- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
- A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
+ A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
+particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
+man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
+fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
+felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
- The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
+ The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
+silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
+staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
+ A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
+They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
+love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
- Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
+ Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
+Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
+subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
+sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
- Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
+ Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
+blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
+Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
- "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
-night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
-times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
+ "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
+night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
+times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
-latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
-with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
+latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
+with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
+in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
+the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
+she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
+response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
+ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
- Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
- He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
+ Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
+blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
+while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
+to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
+pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
+ He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
-protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
- Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
+protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
+tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
+ Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
+tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
- Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
+ Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
+obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
+floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
- The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
+ The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
+all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
+girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
%
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
%
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
- Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
+ Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
+the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
+mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
+noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
+hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
+the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
+lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
+asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
+the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
+said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
+this ungodly hour?"
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
- "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
+girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
+ "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
+Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
+discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
+can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
they beautiful?"
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
they beautiful?"
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
-fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
+and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
+The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
+fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
+wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
+sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
-to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
+to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
+you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
+at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
-you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
+"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
+and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
+bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
+his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
+It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
+began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
+rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
+however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
+morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
+the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
+enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
+shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
+you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
+toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
- The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
+ The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
+Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
- One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
+the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
+ One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
+tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
+feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
+but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
+participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
-desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
-decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
-and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
+stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
+looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
+stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
+desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
+one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
+decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
+and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
and stink to Heaven.
Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
and stink to Heaven.
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff