-A young lady who lived by the Usk
-Subsisted each day on a rusk;
- She ate the first bite
- Before it was light,
-And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young lass got married at Chester;
-Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
- Said she, "You're in luck --
- 'E's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
-%
-A young maiden from France was no prude,
-She decided to dive in the nude,
- But her buddy, behind,
- Went out of his mind,
-When he noticed where she was tatooed.
-%
-A young man by a girl was desired
-To give her the thrills she required,
- But he died of old age
- Ere his cock could assuage
-The volcanic desire it inspired.
-%
-A young man from the banks of the Po
-Found his cock had elongated so,
- That when he'd pee
- It was never he
-But only his neighbors who'd know.
-%
-A young man grew increasingly peaky
-In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
- The ferns curled up brown,
- The ceilings flaked down,
-And all of the faucets were leaky.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man maintained that his trigger
-Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
- But this long and thick pud
- Was so heavy it could
-Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
-%
-A young man of acumen and daring,
-Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
- Was left quite alone
- When it soon became known
-That their use at his board was unsparing.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
- Had the whole of Eisteddfod
- Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
-A young man with passions quite gingery
-Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
- He slapped her behind
- And made up his mind
-To add incest to insult and injury.
-%
-A young polo-player of Berkeley
-Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
- In the midst of each chukker
- He would break off and fuck her
-Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
-%
-A young systems programmer of Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
- In jealous distress
- He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's a psychotic.
-%
-A young violinist from Rio
-Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
- As she took down her panties
- She said, "No andantes;
-I want this allegro con brio!"
-%
-A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
-Preferred frigging to going to mass.
- Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
- Or any young cock,
-For I cannot live up to your ass."
-%
-A young woman got married at Chester,
-Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
- Says she, "You're in luck,
- He's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
-%
-According to experts, the oyster
-In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
- May frequently be
- Either he or a she
-Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
-%
-Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
-Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
- Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
- When he parted her thighs;
-"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
-%
-All the female apes ran from King Kong
-For his dong was unspeakably long.
- But a friendly giraffe
- Quaffed his yard and a half,
-And ecstatically burst into song.
-%
-An aesthete from South Carolina
-Had a cock that tickled like China,
- But while shooting his load
- It cracked like old Spode,
-So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
-%
-An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
-Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
- She will use her bare fist
- If the fellows insist
-But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-%
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
- Eroticon VI,
- Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
-An amazon giantess named Dunne
-Let a midget screw her for fun.
- But the poor little runt
- Was engulfed in her cunt
-And re-born as the twin of his son.
-%
-An ambitious lady named Harriet
-Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
- By seventeen sailors
- A monk and three tailors,
-Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
-%
-An anonymous woman we knew
-Was dozing one day in her pew;
- When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
- She said, "Count me in
-As soon as the service is through."
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection-
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection-
-Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
-%
-An ardent young man named Magruder
-Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
- She thought it quite lewd
- To be wooed in the nude,
-But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
-%
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
- Women are fine
- And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
- As he fondled his IMP
- His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
-An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
-Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
- She was finally the prize
- Of a man twice her size
-And all she recalls is the ache.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
- The drawing was fine,
- The colour - devine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
- The drawing was fine,
- The colour - divine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
- The hardware went bad,
- But not the young lad
-(Except for the toupee and truss).
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
- The hardware went bad,
- But not the young lad
-He didn't expect all that fuss!
-%
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
- Used on Saturday nights
- To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An envious girl named McMeanus
-Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
- It was small consolation
- That the rest of the nation
-Of women were with her in weeness.
-%
-An exotic young lady named Suki
-Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
- When asked for a fuck
- She said, "Solly, no luck--
-See here: looky looky, no nuki "
-%
-An impish young fellow named James
-Had a passion for idiot games.
- He lighted the hair
- Of his lady's affair
-And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
-%
-An impotent Scot named MacDougall
-Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
- He was gathering semen
- To gender a he-man,
-By screwing his wife through a bugle.
-%
-An incautious young woman named Venn
-Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
- She vanished one day,
- But the following May
-Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An indefatigable woman named Bavel
-Had often occasion to travel;
- On the way she would sit
- And furiously knit,
-And on the way back she'd unravel.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An ingenious young man in South Bend
-Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
- But the friend shortly found
- Its construction unsound,
-It was simply a bother -- no end.
-%
-An innocent maiden named Herridge
-Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
- When she later found out
- What her spouse was about,
-She threw herself under a carriage.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An inquisitive virgin named Dora
-Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
- "Do you mean birds and bees
- Go through antics like these,
-To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
-%
-An irate young lady named Booker
-Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
- If you want it queer ways,
- Go to whores for your lays!"
-So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
-%
-An octagenerian Jew
-To his wife remained steadfastly true.
- This was not from compunction,
- But due to dysfunction
-Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
-%
-An old couple just at Shrovetide
-Were having a piece -- when he died.
- The wife for a week
- Sat tight on his peak,
-And bounced up and down as she cried.
-%
-An old electronic designer
-Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
- He couldn't carry them out
- For his prick was too stout,
-And too small was the minor's vagina.
-%
-An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
-Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
- But he was not removed
- Till one day it was proved
-That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An old maid who had a pet ape
-Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
- His red, hairy phallus
- So filled her with malice
-That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
-%
-An old man at the Folies Bergere
-Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
- It snipped off a twat-curl
- From each new chorus girl,
-And he had a wig made of the hair.
-%
-An organist playing in York
-Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
- And between obbligatos
- He'd munch at tomatoes,
-To keep up his strength while at work.
-%
-An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
-Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
- Her climatic fame spread
- With an ad blitz that said:
-Coming soon at a theater near you!
-%
-An uptight young lady named Breerley
-Who valued her morals too dearly
- Had sex, so I hear,
- Only once every year,
-And she strained her vagina severely.
-%
-And earnest young woman in Thrace
-Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
- So he gave her a thwack,
- And did on her back,
-What he couldn't have done face to face.
-%
-And then there's the story that's fraught
-With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
- When a chap took a crap
- In the woods, and a trap
-Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
-%
-As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
-Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
- Since he thinks it's effete
- To be beating his meat,
-What he's into is licking his chops.
-%
-As he came in his chubby choirboy,
-Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
- If no sodomy levens
- And possible heavens,
-Existence will merely annoy."
-%
-As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
-Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
- I could not bear the loss,
- For with scarlet silk floss
-My mama has embroidered their clocks."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-As tourists inspected the apse
-An ominous series of raps
- Came from under the altar,
- Which caused some to falter
-And others to shriek and collapse.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
-"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
- I screw a young nun
- In the eastertide sun?"
-His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
-%
-At a contest for farting in Butte
-One lady's exertion was cute :
- It won the diploma
- For fetid aroma,
-And three judges were felled by the brute.
-%
-At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
-Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
- Letting all comers press
- Through the skirt of her dress
-And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
-%
-At the end of all civilization
-Is the planet Terminus's location.
- There's a girl there whose feat,
- Without stone or concrete,
-Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
-%
-At the moment Japan declared war
-A sailor was fucking a whore.
- He said, "After this poke
- `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
-This means months 'til I get back ashore."
-%
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
- It beats all night long
- A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
- Thanks to vulcanized aids,
- Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
-At whist drives and strawberry teas
-Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
- But when she was alone
- She'd drink eau de cologne,
-And weep from a sense of unease.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
- In the morning he'd not
- Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for splashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
- In the morning he'd not
- Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Back in the days of old Adam
-The grass served as mattress for madam,
- And they spent the whole day
- On the sex that today
-They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
-%
-Each Friday his engines abort,
-But Scotty is never caught short.
- He fills his machines
- With space-navy beans,
-And farts the ship back into port.
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot of my bed;
- I'd not mind that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
- I'd not mind that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
- Said the rector, "My gracious,
- Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
-%
-From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
-There is really abominable news;
- They've discovered a head
- In the box for the bread,
-But nobody seems to know whose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From the bathing machine came a din
-As of jollification within;
- It was heard far and wide,
- And the incoming tide
-Had a definite flavour of gin.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
- "Since dating Miss Baugh,
- My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
-%
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
- It's the best part of valor
- To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
-%
-In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam,
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
-%
-In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls and he had'em.
-%
-In the little French town of Le'Beau,
-Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
- At a masquerade ball,
- Clad in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker house roll.
-%
-It always delights me at Hank's
-To walk up the old river banks.
- One time in the grass
- I stepped on an ass,
-And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
-%
-It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
-Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
- They sat in her Bentley,
- She fondled him gently,
-And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
-%
-The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
-No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
- Where ten thousand virgins
- Succumbed to his urgin's
-There now stands the great State of Utah.
-%
-The latest reports from Good Hope
-State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
- And fuck high, wide, and free,
- From the top of one tree
-To the top of the next -- what a scope!
-%
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
- Once Congress in session,
- Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
- He knew from its bend
- And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of orgasm
- Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
-%
-There once was a bishop from Birmingham
-Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
- As they knelt on the hassock
- He lifted his cassock
-And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
-%
-There once was a boy named Carruthers
-Who was busily fucking his mother
- "I know it's a sin,"
- He said, shoving it in,
-"But it's better than blowing my brother."
-%
-There once was a chick named Longet,
-Who went out to Aspen to play.
- Along came a Spyder,
- Who sat down beside her
-And she blew the poor bastard away.
-%
-There once was a clergyman's daughter
-Who detested the pony he bought her,
- Till she found that its dong
- Was as hard and as long
-As the prayers her father had taught her.
-
-She married a fellow named Tony
-Who soon found her fucking the pony.
- Said he, "What's it got,
- My dear, that I've not?"
-Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used library paste,
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelly
-Who walked around belly-to-belly.
- It seems in their haste,
- They used Carter's paste
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a dentist named Stone
-Who saw all his patients alone.
- In a fit of depravity
- He filled the wrong cavity,
-And my, how his practice has grown!
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
- Said the potted old Duke :
- "Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
- Said the king to this dame
- As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
-There once was a fag of Khartoom
-Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
- They argued all night,
- Over who had the right,
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
-There once was a fairy named Avers
-Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
- Though buggers all claimed
- That their asses were maimed,
-Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Bob
-Who in sexual ways was a snob.
- One day he was swimmin'
- With twelve naked women
-And deserted them all for a gob.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Brewster
-Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
- "It used to be grand
- But look at my hand
-You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Howard,
-Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
- While grabbing some ass,
- He reached critical mass,
-But think of the girl he deflowered!
-%
-There once was a fellow named Potts
-Who was prone to having the trots
- But his humble abode
- Was without a commode
-So his carpet was covered with spots.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Siegel
-Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
- But the mettlesome bitch
- Turned and said with a twitch,
-"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Sweeney
-Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
- Not being uncouth,
- He added vermouth
-And slipped his amour a martini.
-%
-There once was a fencer named Fisk,
-Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
- So fast was his action,
- The Fitzgerald contraction,
-Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a floozie named Annie
-Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
- A buck for a fuck,
- Fifty cents for a suck,
-And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
- He was caught by G-men
- Shooting his semen
-Where the cops would slip and fall down.
-%
-There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
-Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
- Sheep are just fine,
- Chickens, divine,
-But iguanas are Numero Uno."
-%
-There once was a gay young Parisian
-Who screwed an appendix incision,
- And the girl of his choice
- Could hardly rejoice
-At the horrible lack of precision.
-%
-There once was a girl from Cornell
-Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
- When you touched them they shrunk,
- Except when she was drunk,
-And then they got bigger than hell.
-%
-There once was a girl from Decatur,
-Who got laid by a big alligator.
- Now nobody knew
- The result of that screw,
-'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- ( as you bastards think )
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- (As you bastards think)
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Spokane,
-Went to bed with a one-legged man.
- She said, "I know you--
- You've really got two!
-Why didn't you say so when we began?"
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
- But she started absorbin'
- A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a girl named Louise
-Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
- The crabs in her twat
- Tied the hairs in a knot
-And constructed a flying trapeze
-%
-There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
-Who was diddled amazingly often.
- She was rogered by scores
- Who'd been turned down by whores,
-And was finally screwed in her coffin.
-%
-There once was a girl named Priscilla
-Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
- The taste was so fine
- Man and beast stood in line
-(Including a stud armadilla).
-%
-There once was a girl so lovely,
-Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
- She strapped on her tanks,
- And started her pranks,
-But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
-%
-There once was a golfer named Leer,
-Who got put in the clink for a year,
- For an action obscene,
- On the very first green.
-Where the sign said "Enter course here."
-%
-There once was a gouty old colonel
-Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
- And he cried in his tiffin
- For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
-And the size of the thing was infernal.
-%
-There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
-Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
- But when I meet boys,
- God! how I enjoys
-Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
- So he built him some chicks,
- Of silicon chips,
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a handsome young seaman
-Who with ladies was really a demon.
- In peace or in war,
- At sea or on shore,
-He could certainly dish out the semen.
-%
-There once was a horny old bitch
-With a motorized self-frigger which
- She would use with delight
- All day long and all night -
-Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
-%
-There once was a horse named Lily
-Whose dingus was really a dilly.
- It was vaginoid duply,
- And labial quadruply --
-In fact, he was really a filly.
-%
-There once was a husky young Viking
-Whose sexual prowess was striking.
- Every time he got hot
- He would scour the twat
-Of some girl that might be to his liking.
-%
-There once was a jolly old bloke
-Who picked up a girl for a poke.
- He took down her pants,
- Fucked her into a trance,
-And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
-%
-There once was a kiddie named Carr
-Caught a man on top of his mar.
- As he saw him stick 'er,
- He said with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than par."
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a lady from Kansas
-Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
- It was nine inches deep
- And the sides were quite steep --
-It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
-%
-There once was a lady named Carter,
-Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
- She stripped off his pants,
- At his prick quickly glanced,
-And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
-%
-There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who posessed a magnificent pair.
- Or that's what I thought,
- Till I saw one get caught,
-On a thorn and begin losing air.
-%
-There once was a lady named Myrtle
-Who had an affair with a turtle.
- She had crabs, so they say,
- In a year and a day
-Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
-%
-There once was a lawyer named Rex
-With minuscule organs of sex.
- Arraigned for exposure,
- He maintained with composure,
-"De minimis non curat lex."
-
- [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
-%
-There once was a lifeguard named Lee
-Who rescued a girl from the sea
- She asked how to pay,
- And he said "Try this way,
-Go down for the third time on me."
-%
-There once was a maid from Mobile
-Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
- She only got thrills
- From pneumatic drills
-And an off-centered emery wheel.
-%
-There once was a man from Bombay
-He would do it all night and all day
- He soon became sore
- You shoulda' heard him roar
-When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
-%
-There once was a man from Calcutta
-Who used to beat off in the gutta
- The heat of the sun
- Affected his gun
-And turned all his cream into butta!
-%
-There once was a man from Dunoon,
-Who always ate soup with a fork.
- He said "When I eat
- Either fish, foul or flesh,
-I otherwise finish too quick."
-%
-There once was a man from Exameter
-Who had a prodigious diameter
- But it wasn't the size
- That brought forth the cries
-'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a man from Madras,
-Whose balls were made out of brass.
- When they clanged together,
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were most horrid
- All ass and no forehead
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
- His daughter, named Nan,
- Ran away with a man,
-And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
-
-The pair of them went to Manhasset,
-(Nan and the man with the asset.)
- Pa followed them there,
- But they left in a tear,
-And as for the asset, Manhasset.
-
-Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
-(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
- Pa said to the man,
- "You're welcome to Nan."
-But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket,
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin,
- As he wiped off his chin,
-If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
-%
-There once was a man from Racine,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Both concave and convex,
- It could please either sex,
-But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-%
-There once was a man from Sandem
-Who was making his girl on a tandem.
- At the peak of the make
- She jammed on the brake
-And scattered his semen at random.
-%
-There once was a man from Sydney
-Who could put it up to her kidney.
- But the man from Quebec
- Put it up to her neck;
-He had a big one, now didn't he?
-%
-There once was a man named Lodge,
-who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- When his date was strapped in,
- He committed a sin,
-without ever leaving the garage.
-%
-There once was a man named McGruder,
-Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
- But the girl thought it crude,
- To be wooed in the nude,
-So McGru took an oar and subduder.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
- So just to be couth
- He added vermouth
-And slipped his best girl a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
- Just to be couth,
- He added vermouth,
-And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named Parridge
-With peculiar views on marriage.
- He sucked off his brother,
- Fucked his own mother,
-And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There once was a man with a hernia
-Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
- When you work on my middle
- Be sure you don't fiddle
-With things that do not concern ya."
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
- The sword that he used
- Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was a miner named Dave,
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- She was ugly as shit,
- And missing one tit,
-But think of the money he saves.
-%
-There once was a monk of Camyre
-Who was seized with a carnal desire
- And the primary cause
- Was the abbess's drawers
-Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-%
-There once was a newspaper vendor,
-A person of dubious gender.
- He would charge one-and-two
- For permission to view
-His remarkable double pudenda.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a pretty young Mrs.
-Whose tearful but short story thrs.
- Her mind lost its grasp -
- Now she thinks she's an asp
-And just sits in the corner and hrs.
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a reverend at Kings
-Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
- But his heart was on fire
- For a boy in the choir
-Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
-%
-There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife --
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is they all do it well."
-%
-There once was a sailor named Gasted,
-A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
- He could jerk himself off
- In a basket, aloft,
-Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- It was not the size
- That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
-Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
- Yet the girls he would dazzle,
- And fuck to a frazzle,
-And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
-%
-There once was a spaceman named Spock
-Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
- A girl from Missouri
- Whose name was Uhura
-Just fainted away from the shock.
-%
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
- The more he would screw
- The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
- He/she/it said with a nod,
- "My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
-There once was a whore from Regina
-Who had a stupendous vagina.
- To save herself time,
- She had six at a time,
-And another one working behind her.
-%
-There once was a woman from Arden
-Who sucked off a man in a garden.
- He said, "My dear Flo,
- Where does all that stuff go?"
-And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
-%
-There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
-Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
- But he lurked in the ditches
- And diddled the bitches
-Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
-%
-There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly,
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There once was a young girl from Natches
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches
- She often said, "Shit!
- I'd give either tit
-For a guy with equipment that matches."
-%
-There once was a young man from Boston
-Who drove around town in an Austin,
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
-So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
-%
-There once was a young man from France
-Who waited ten years for his chance;
-Then he muffed it...
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma
-Who attempted sex with a puma
- He gave up real quick
- Minus nose, toes, and prick
-In obvious pain and ill huma.
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma,
-Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
- Now his dry bleached bones lie,
- Under hot Asian skies,
-'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
-%
-There once was a young man named Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-And now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There once was a young man named Gene,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Concave and convex,
- It served either sex,
-And it played with itself inbetween.
-%
-There once was a young man named Lancelot
-Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
- For when he should pass
- A desirable lass
-The front of his pants would advance a lot.
-%
-There once was an Arpanet freak,
-Who better response-time did seek.
- He searched coast to coast,
- For a reliable host,
-Whose logger took less than a week.
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
- It at last grew so small,
- He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There once were two brothers named Luntz
-Who buggered each other at once.
- When asked to account
- For this intricate mount,
-They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
-%
-There once were two women from Birmingham.
-And this is the story concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And fondled the cock
-Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a family named Doe,
-An ideal family to know.
- As father screwed mother,
- She said, "You're heavier than brother."
-And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
-%
-There was a fat lady of China
-Who'd a really enormous vagina,
- And when she was dead
- They painted it red,
-And used it for docking a liner.
-%
-There was a fat man from Rangoon
-Whose prick was much like a ballon.
- He tried hard to ride her
- And when finally inside her
-She thought she was pregnant too soon.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay dog from Ontario
-Who fancied himself a Lothario.
- At a wench's glance
- He'd snatch off his pants
-And make for her Mons Venerio.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Norton
-Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
- To make up for this loss,
- He had balls like a horse,
-And never spent less than a quartern.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Tooting
-Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
- Till he married a lass
- With a face like my arse,
-And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
-%
-There was a girl from Aberystwyth
-Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's son Jack
- Laid her flat on her back
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a lewd fellow named Duff
-Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
- With his head in a whirl
- He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
-I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
-%
-There was a man from Mich.
-Who used to wish and wich.
- That spring would come
- So he could bum
-Around and go out fich.
-%
-There was a pianist named Liszt
-Who played with one hand while he pissed,
- But as he grew older
- His technique grew bolder,
-And in concert jacked off with his fist.
-%
-There was a poor parson from Goring,
-Who made a small hole in his flooring,
- Fur-lined it all round,
- Then laid on the ground,
-And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
-%
-There was a strong man of Drumrig
-Who one day did seven times frig.
- He buggered three sailors,
- Four dogs and two tailors,
-And ended by fucking a pig.
-%
-There was a teenager named Donna
-Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
- Two days out of three
- She would shoot LSD,
-And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
-%
-There was a young belle of old Natchez
-Whose garments were always in patchez.
- When comment arose
- On the state of her clothes
-She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
-%
-There was a young blade from South Greece
-Whose bush did so greatly increase
- That before he could shack
- He must hunt needle in stack.
-'Twas as bad as being obese.
-%
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
- You say that I, maybe,
- Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
-%
-There was a young bride of Antigua
-Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
- Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
- Why, you've only felt my twot,
-My legs and my arse and my figua!"
-%
-There was a young chap in Arabia
-Who courted a widow named Fabia.
- "Yes, my tongue is as long
- As the average man's dong,"
-He said, licking the lips of her labia.
-%
-There was a young cook with the art
-Of making a delicious tart
- With a handful of shit,
- Some snot and some spit,
-And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
-%
-There was a young curate whose brain
-Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
- He lured a small child
- To a copse dark and wild,
-Where he beat it to death with his cane.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young damsel named Baker
-Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
- He yelled, "My God! what
- Do you call this -- a twat?
-Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
-%
-There was a young dolly named Molly
-Who thought that to frig was a folly.
- Said she, "Your pee-pee
- Means nothing to me,
-But I'll do it just to be jolly."
-%
-There was a young fellow called Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-So now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Cal.,
-In bed with a passionate gal.
- He leapt from the bed,
- To the toilet he sped;
-Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Florida
-Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
- When they got into bed
- He cried, "God strike me dead!
-This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Kent
-Whose cock was so long that it bent
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Leeds
-Who swallowed a package of seeds.
- Great tufts of grass
- Sprouted out of his ass
-And his balls were all covered with weeds.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Parma
-Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
- Said the damsel demure,
- "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
-But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
-%
-There was a young fellow name Tucker
-Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
- Said, "Don't bow out your lips
- Like an elephant's hips,
-The boys like it best when they pucker."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Ades
-Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
- But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
- And the knot holes in doors
-Were by no means exempt from his raids.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Babbitt
-Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
- But a girl from Johore
- Could do it twice more,
-Which was just enough extra to crab it.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bill,
-Who took an atomic pill,
- His navel corroded,
- His asshole exploded,
-And they found his nuts in Brazil.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bowen
-Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
- It grew so tremendous,
- So long and so pendulous,
-'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Brewer
-Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
- Thus he, the poor soul,
- Could get into her hole,
-And still not be able to screw her!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Case
-Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
- He licked his way clean
- Through Number thirteen,
-But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Charteris
-Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
- Said she, "I don't mind,
- And higher up you'll find
-The place where my fucker and farter is."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Cribbs
-Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
- They were inches apart,
- And to suck it took art,
-While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
-%
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
- It was shaped like a prism
- And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Feeney
-Whose girl was a terrible meany.
- The hatch of her snatch
- Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
-Was reputed an infamous lecher.
- When he'd take on a whore
- She'd need a rebore,
-And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fyfe
-Whose marriage was ruined for life,
- For he had an aversion
- To every perversion,
-And only liked fucking his wife.
-
-Well, one year the poor woman struck,
-And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
- And said, "Where have you gotten us
- With your goddamn monotonous
-Fuck after fuck after fuck?
-
-"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
-And a versatile girl she was, too.
- After ten years of whoredom
- She perished of boredom
-When she married a jackass like you!"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gene
-Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
- He next picked his toes,
- And lastly his nose,
-And he never did wash in between.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gluck
-Who found himself shit out of luck.
- Though he petted and wooed,
- When he tried to get screwed
-He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Goody
-Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
- If he found himself nude
- With a gal in the mood
-The question's not woody but could he?
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grant
-Who was made like the sensitive plant.
- When they asked "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could, but I can't."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grimes
-Who fucked his girl seventeen times
- In the course of a week --
- And this isn't to speak
-Of assorted venereal crimes.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Harry,
-Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
- He grabbed him a virgin,
- Who, without any urgin',
-Immediately spread like a fairy.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Hatch
-Who was fond of the music of Bach.
- He said: "It's not fussy
- Like Brahms and Debussy;
-Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Kimble
-Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
- But fragile and slender,
- And dainty and tender,
-So he kept it encased in a thimble.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Meek
-Who invented a lingual technique.
- It drove women frantic,
- And made them romantic,
-And wore all the hair off his cheek.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Morgan
-Who possessed an unusual organ:
- The end of his dong,
- Which was nine inches long,
-Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Paul
-Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
- But the size of my prick
- Is God's dirtiest trick,
-For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Pell
-Who didn't like cunt very well.
- He would finger or fuck one,
- But never would suck one--
-He just couldn't get used to the smell.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Price
-Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
- He had virgins and boys
- And mechanical toys,
-And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Prynne
-Whose prick was so short and so thin,
- His wife found she needed
- A Fuckoscope -- she did --
-To see if he'd gotten it in.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Skinner
-Who took a young lady to dinner
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-At twenty to ten it was in her.
-The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
-
-There was a young fellow named Tupper
-Who took a young lady to supper.
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-And at twenty to ten it was up her.
-Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
-Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
- The hatch of her snatch,
- Had a catch that would latch,
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Burma
-Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
- But now that he's married he's
- Been using cantharides
-And the root of their love is much firmer.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- He had such a tool
- It was wound on a spool,
-And he reeled it out inich by inich.
-
-But this tale has an unhappy finich,
-For due to the sand in the spinach
- His ballocks grew rough
- And wrecked his wife's muff,
-And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Harrow
-Whose john was the size of a marrow.
- He said to his tart,
- "How's this for a start?
-My balls are outside in a barrow."
-%
-There was a young fellow of Kent
-Whose prick was so long that it bent,
- So to save himself trouble
- He put it in double,
-And instead of coming he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Mayence
-Who fucked his own arse in defiance
- Not only of custom
- And morals, dad-bust him,
-But of most of the known laws of science.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Perth
-Whose balls were the finest on earth.
- They grew to such size
- That one won a prize,
-And goodness knows what they were worth.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Strensall
-Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
- On the night of his wedding
- It went through the bedding,
-And shattered the chamber utensil.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Warwick
-Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
- For he could by election
- Have triune erection:
-Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
-%
-There was a young fellow whose dong
-Was prodigiously massive and long.
- On each side of his whang
- Two testes did hang
-That attracted a curious throng.
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
- A woman is fine,
- And a sheep is divine,
-But a llama is Numero Uno."
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
- Women are fine
- And children devine,
-But the llama is numero uno."
-%
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
- Said he with a grin,
- "Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
-%
-There was a young girl from Annista
-Who dated a lecherous mister.
- He fondled her titty,
- Got one finger shitty,
-Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
-%
-There was a young girl from Decatur
-Who was raped by an alligator.
- But no one quite knew
- How she relished that screw,
-For after he screwed her, he ate her.
-%
-There was a young girl from Dundee,
-From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
- No one ate the nice fruit,
- To tell you the truth,
-Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
-%
-There was a young girl from East Lynn
-Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
- Had filled up her crack
- With hard-setting shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Who said, "You are utterly wrong
- To say my vagina
- Is the largest in China
-Just because of your mean little dong."
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl from Medina
-Who could completely control her vagina.
- She could twist it around
- Like the cunts that are found
-In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-
-Till along came a man who presented
-A tool that was strangely indented.
- With a dizzying twirl
- He punctured that girl,
-And thus was the cork-screw invented.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her quim with a cork
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade, it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who had nothing whatever to do.
- So she sat on the stairs,
- And counted cunt hairs,
-Four thousand, three hundred and two.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who noticed her lovers were few;
- So she walked out her door
- With a fig leaf, no more,
-And now she's in bed - with the flu.
-%
-There was a young girl from Samoa
-Who pledged that no man would know her.
- One young fellow tried,
- But she wriggled aside,
-And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
-%
-There was a young girl from Seattle,
-Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
- But a bull from the South
- Shot a wad in her mouth
-That made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-There was a young girl from Siam
-Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
- "To seduce me, of course,
- You'll have to use force,
-And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Cyr
-Whose reflex reactions were queer.
- Her escort said, "Mable,
- Get up off the table;
-That money's to pay for the beer."
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Paul
-Who went to a newspaper ball.
- Her dress caught on fire
- And burnt her entire
-Front page and sport section and all.
-%
-There was a young girl from the Bronix
-Who had a vagina of onyx.
- She had so much `tsoris'
- With her clitoris,
-She traded it in for a Packard.
-%
-There was a young girl from the coast
-Who, just when she needed it most,
- Lost her Kotex and bled
- All over the bed,
-And the head and the beard of her host.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who eked out a living through sin.
- She didn't mind fucking,
- But much preferred sucking,
-And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
- Though he diddled his best,
- And fucked her with zest,
-She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
-%
-There was a young girl in Dakota
-Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
- "In addition to gas
- We are rationing ass,
-And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
-%
-There was a young girl name McKnight
-Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
- She came to in bed,
- With a split maidenhead--
-That's the last time she ever was tight.
-%
-There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
-Who swore that no man could surprise her.
- But Pabst took a chance,
- Found a Schlitz in her pants,
-And now she is sadder Budweiser.
-%
-There was a young girl named Heather
-Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
- She made a queer noise,
- Which attracted the boys,
-By flapping the edges together.
-%
-There was a young girl named McCall
-Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
- But the size of her anus
- Was something quite heinous --
-It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Clare
-Whose body was covered with hair.
- It was really quite fun
- To probe with one's gun,
-For her quimmy might be anywhere.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Malley
-Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
- She got roars of applause
- When she kicked off her drawers,
-But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
-%
-There was a young girl named Saphire
-Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
- She tickled the balls
- Of the men in the halls,
-And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's sun, Jack,
- Laid her flat on her back,
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Asturias
-With a penchant for practices curious.
- She loved to bat rocks
- With her gentlemen's cocks --
-A practice both rude and injurious.
-%
-There was a young girl of Batonger
-who diddled herself with a conger,
- When asked how it feels
- To be pleasured by eels
-She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
-%
-There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
-Had a very capricious vagina:
- To the shock of the fucker
- "Twould suddenly pucker,
-And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Cod
-Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
- But it wasn't Jehovah
- That turned the girl over,
-'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
- the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Town
-Who usually fucked with a clown.
- He taught her the trick
- Of sucking his prick,
-And when it went up -- she went down.
-%
-There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
-Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
- She was fucked at the show
- In the twenty-third row,
-And once more going home in the taxi.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young girl of Des Moines
-Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
- Till a guy from Hoboken
- Went and dropped in a token,
-And now she rides free on the ferry.
-%
-There was a young girl of Detroit
-Who at fucking was very adroit:
- She could squeeze her vagina
- To a pin-point, or finer,
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-
-And she had a friend named Durand
-Whose cock could contract or expand.
- He could diddle a midge
- Or the arch of a bridge --
-Their performance together was grand!
-%
-There was a young girl of East Lynne
-Whose mother, to save her from sin,
- Had filled up her crack,
- To the brim with shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl of Gibraltar
-Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
- It really seems odd
- That a virtuous God
-Should answer her prayers and assault her.
-%
-There was a young girl of LLewellyn
-Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
- They were big it is true,
- But her cunt was big too,
-Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
-Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
-%
-There was a young girl of Mobile,
-Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
- To give her a thrill,
- Took a rotary drill,
-Or a number nine emery wheel.
-%
-There was a young girl of Moline
-Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
- She would work on a prick
- With every known trick,
-And finish by winking it clean.
-%
-There was a young girl of Newcastle
-Whose charms were declared universal.
- While one man in front
- Wired into her cunt,
-Another was engaged at her arsehole.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pawtucket
-Whose box was as big as a bucket.
- Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
- I'll have to wear boots,
-For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
-%
-There was a young girl of Penzance
-Who boarded a bus in a trance.
- The passengers fucked her,
- Likewise the conductor,
-While the driver shot off in his pants.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pitlochry
-Who was had by a man in a rockery.
- She said, "Oh! You've come
- All over my bum;
-This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
-%
-There was a young girl of Rangoon
-Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
- "Well, it has been great fun,"
- She remarked when he'd done,
-"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
-%
-There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
-Whose people all thought her a virgin,
- Till they found her in bed
- With her twat very red,
-And the head of a kid just emergin'.
-%
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
- When she sat on their lap
- She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
- T'was fun in the breeding
- But hell in the feeding
-When she found there's no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
- It was fun in the breeding,
- But hell in the feeding,
-When she found there was no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young harlot from Kew
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They'll pay to get out of it too."
-%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
-Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
- And they tickled so nice
- She drew a high price
-From the studs at the summer resorts.
-
-Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
-Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
- For according to rumor
- His tool had a tumor
-And a fine row of warts down the middle.
-%
-There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
-Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
- The knob out in front
- Attracted foul cunt
-Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
-%
-There was a young idler named Blood,
-Made a fortune performing at stud,
- With a fifteen-inch peter,
- A double-beat metre,
-And a load like the Biblical Flood.
-%
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
- Perceiving his error,
- The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
-%
-There was a young lad - name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad from Nahant
-Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
- When asked, "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could but I can't."
-%
-There was a young lad from Siam,
-Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
- He loved them real small,
- 'Cause they're funner to ball,
-So he went out and bought him a lamb!
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Ward
-Who strung himself up with a cord
- Said he, of his work
- (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
-"I am leaving because I am bored."
- - E.A. Guest
-%
-There was a young lad named McFee
-Who was stung in the balls by a bee
- He made oodles of money
- By oozing pure honey
-Every time he attempted to pee.
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
- Said the brawny old mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the cook and the captain and me."
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
- "I see," said the mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the captain, the purser, and me."
-%
-There was a young lady called Ciss
-Who went to the river to piss.
- A young man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt;
-No wonder she thought it was bliss.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bangor
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
- She woke in dismay
- When she heard the mate say:
-"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
-%
-There was a young lady from Bright,
-Whose speed was much faster than light.
- She went out one day
- In a relative way
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bristol
-Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
- Said she, "It's all glass,
- And as round as my ass,"
-And she farted as loud as a pistol.
-%
-There was a young lady from Brussels
-Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
- She could easily plex them
- And so interflex them
-As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
-%
-There was a young lady from Drew
-Who ended her verse at line two.
-%
-There was a young lady from Dumfries
-Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
- My navel's all bare,
- So stick it in there,
-Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
-%
-There was a young lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
- While her lover lamented
- The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
-%
-There was a young lady from Norway
-Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
- She told her young man,
- "Get off the divan,
-I think I've discovered one more way "
-%
-There was a young lady from Prentice
-Who had an affair with a dentist.
- To make things easier
- He used anesthesia,
-And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rheims
-Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
- A friend poked around
- And a fly-button found
-Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
- As she dropped her panties
- She said, "No andanties
-I want this allegro con brio."
-%
-There was a young lady from Siam
-Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
- "You may kiss me of course,
- But you'll have to use force.
-Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who demurely undressed on a train.
- A helpful young porter
- Helped more than he orter,
-And she promptly cried "Help me again"
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who got sick as she rode on a train;
- Not once, but again,
- And again, and again,
-And again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Whose face was exceedingly plain,
- But her cunt had a pucker
- That made the men fuck her,
-Again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Troy
-Had a moustache, just like a young boy
- Though it tickled to kiss
- 'Twas a source of much bliss
-When she used it to brush a man's toy.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who had a peculiar feeling.
- She laid on her back
- And tickled her crack
-And pissed all over the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wooster
-Who complained that too many men gooster.
- So she traded her scanties
- For sandpaper panties,
-Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
-%
-There was a young lady in Reno,
-Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
- But she lay on her back,
- And opened her crack,
-So now she owns the Casino!
-%
-There was a young lady named Alice
-Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
- 'Twas the common belief
- It was done for relief,
-And not out of protestant malice.
-%
-There was a young lady named Astor
-Who never let any get past her.
- She finally got plenty
- By stopping twenty,
-Which certainly ought to last her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Banker,
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
- She woke in dismay,
- When she heard the mate say,
-"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
-%
-There was a young lady named Blount
-Who had a rectangular cunt.
- She learned for diversion
- Posterior perversion,
-Since no one could fit here in front.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bower
-Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
- But a poet from Perth
- Laid her flat on the earth,
-And proceeded with penis to plough her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brent
-With a cunt of enormous extent,
- And so deep and so wide,
- The acoustics inside
-Were so good you could hear when you spent.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bright
-Who could travel much faster than light.
- She took off one day,
- In a relative way,
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brook
-Who never could learn how to cook.
- But on a divan
- She could please any man-
-She knew every darn trick in the book!
-%
-There was a young lady named Cager
-Who, as the result of a wager,
- Consented to fart
- The entire oboe part
-Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ciss
-Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
- But she'll never restate,
- For a wheel off her skate
-.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- At least so I thought
- Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Dot
-Whose cunt was so terribly hot
- That ten bishops of Rome
- And the Pope's private gnome
-Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
-%
-There was a young lady named Duff
-With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
- In his haste to get in her
- One eager beginner
-Lost both of his balls in the rough.
-%
-There was a young lady named Etta
-Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
- Three reasons she had:
- To keep warm wasn't bad,
-But the other two reasons were betta.
-%
-There was a young lady named Fleager
-Who was terribly, terribly eager
- To be all the rage
- On the tragedy stage,
-Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Flo
-Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
- So they tried it all night,
- Till he got it just right...
-Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
-%
-There was a young lady named Flynn
-Who thought fornication a sin,
- But when she was tight
- It seemed quite all right,
-So everyone filled her with gin.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gilda
-Who went on a date with a builder.
- He said that he would,
- And he could and he should,
-And he did and it damn well near killed her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria
-Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
- And then by six men,
- Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria,
-Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
- She replied to the chap,
- "I'll draw you a map,
-Of where others have been to before ya."
-%
-There was a young lady named Grace
-Who would not take a prick in her "place."
- Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
- She never would fuck it--
-She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hatch
-Who would always come through in a scratch.
- If a guy wouldn't neck her,
- She'd grab up his pecker
-And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
-%
-There was a young lady named Mable
-Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
- Then cry to her man,
- "Stuff in all you can --
-Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
-%
-There was a young lady named Mandel
-Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
- By coming out bare
- On the main village square
-And frigging herself with a candle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Maud,
-A terrible society fraud:
- In company, I'm told,
- She was distant and cold,
-But if you got her alone, Oh God!
-%
-There was a young lady named May
-Who strolled in a park by the way,
- And she met a youg man
- Who fucked her and ran --
-Now she goes to the park every day.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nance
-Who learned about fucking in France,
- And when you'd insert it
- She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
-And shoved it right back in your pants.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nelly
-Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
- They could tickle her twat
- Or be tied in a knot,
-And could even swat flies on her belly.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was raped three times in a hansom
- When she cried out for more
- Said a voice from the floor,
-"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
- When she cried out for more
- A voice from the floor
-Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
-%
-There was a young lady named Riddle
-Who had an untouchable middle.
- She had many friends
- Because of her ends,
-Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-Who fainted whenever she chose;
- She did so one day
- While playing croquet,
-But was quickly revived with a hose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-With erogenous zones in her toes.
- She remained onanistic
- Till a foot-fetishistic
-Young man became one of her beaux.
-%
-There was a young lady named Schneider
-Who often kept trysts with a spider.
- She found a strange bliss,
- In the hiss of her piss,
-As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Smith
-Whose virtue was largely a myth.
- She said, "Try as I can
- I can't find a man
-Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady named Wylde
-Who kept herself quite undefiled
- By thinking of Jesus;
- Contagious diseases;
-And the bother of having a child.
-%
-There was a young lady of Arden,
-The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
- Said she with a frown,
- "I've been sadly let down
-By the tool of a fool in a garden."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bicester
-Who was nicer by far than her sister:
- The sister would giggle
- And wiggle and jiggle,
-But this one would come if you kissed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Brabant
-Who slept with an impotent savant.
- She admitted, "We shouldn't,
- But it turned out he couldn't-
-So you can't say we have when we haven't."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bude
-Who walked down the street in the nude.
- A bobby said, "Whattum
- Magnificent bottom!"
-And slapped it as hard as he could.
-%
-There was a young lady of Carmia
-Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
- At every cold snap
- She would climb in your lab,
-So her little base burner could warm ya.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Who went down to the river to pee.
- A man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt,
-And God! how I wish it were me.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Whose hymen was split into three.
- And when she was diddled
- The middle string fiddled :
-"Nearer My God To Thee."
-%
-There was a young lady of Dexter
-Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
- For whenever they'd start
- He'd unfailingly fart
-With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dover
-Whose passion was such that it drove her
- To cry, when you came,
- "Oh dear! What a shame!
-Well, now we shall have to start over."
-%
-There was a young lady of Ealing
-And her lover before her was kneeling.
- Said she, "Dearest Jim,
- Take your hands off my quim;
-I much prefer fucking to feeling."
-%
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
- To her lover she said,
- As they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
-%
-There was a young lady of Fez
-Who was known to the public as "Jez."
- Jezebel was her name,
- Sucking cocks was the game
-She excelled at (so everyone says).
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump--
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
- She wasn't much hurt,
- But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester
-Whose friends they thought they had lost her
- Till they found on the grass
- The marks of her arse,
-And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Kent,
-Who admitted she knew what it meant
- When men asked her to dine,
- And plied her with wine,
-She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
-%
-There was a young lady of Lee
-Who scrambled up into a tree,
- When she got there
- Her arsehole was bare,
-And so was her C U N T.
-%
-There was a young lady of Lincoln
-Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
- So she had a prick lent her
- Which turned it magenta,
-This artful old lady of Lincoln.
-%
-There was a young lady of Natchez
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
- And she often said, "Shit!
- Why, I'd give either tit
-For a man with equipment that matches."
-
-There was a young fellow named Locke
-Who was born with a two-headed cock.
- When he'd fondle the thing
- It would rise up and sing
-An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-
-But whether these two ever met
-Has not been recorded as yet,
- Still, it would be diverting
- To see him inserting
-His whang while it sang a duet.
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young lady of Rhyll
-In an omnibus was taken ill,
- So she called the conductor,
- Who got in and fucked her,
-Which did more good than a pill.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who took down her pants on a train.
- There was a young porter
- Saw more than he orter,
-And asked her to do it again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
- They did it again
- And again and again,
-And again and again and again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Twickenham
-Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
- On her knees every day
- To God she would pray
-To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
- My little brown jug
- Has need of a plug" --
-And straightaway she started to peeling.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris,
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady who said,
-As her bridegroom got into the bed,
- "I'm tired of this stunt,
- That they do with one's cunt,
-You can get up my bottom instead."
-%
-There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accomodate a small punt.
- Her mother said, "Annie,
- It matches your fanny,
-Which never was that of a runt."
-%
-There was a young lady whose thighs,
-When spread showed a slit of such size,
- And so deep and so wide,
- You could play cards inside,
-Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young laundress named Wrangle
-Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
- "They may tickle my chin,"
- She said with a grin,
-"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
-%
-There was a young maiden from Osset
-Whose quim was nine inches across it.
- Said a young man named Tong,
- With tool nine inches long,
-"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
-%
-There was a young man from Bear Ridge
-Who had strange ideas about marriage.
- He fucked his wife's mother
- And sucked off her brother
-And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man from Bengal
-Who claimed he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Pulled down this man's breeches
-And proved he had nothing at all.
-%
-There was a young man from Biloxi
-Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
- Drinking glass after glass,
- He would tune up his ass,
-Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
-%
-There was a young man from Bombay
-Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
- But the heat of his prick
- Turned it into a brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
-There was a young man from Boston
-Who rode around in an Austin.
- There was room for his ass
- And a gallon of gas,
-But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
-%
-There was a young man from Calcutta
-Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
- "If her Bartholin glands
- Don't respond to my hands,
-I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
-%
-There was a young man from Dallas
-Who had an exceptional phallus.
- He couldn't find room
- In any girl's womb
-Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
-%
-There was a young man from Dundee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were quite horrid:
- All ass and no forehead,
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There was a young man from East Lizes
-Whose balls were of two different sizes
- One was so small
- It was no ball at all
-The other was large and won prizes.
-%
-There was a young man from East Wubley
-Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
- Each quadruplicate shaft
- Had two balls hanging aft,
-And the general effect was quite lovely.
-
-There was a young man from Hong Kong
-Who had a trifurcated prong:
- A small one for sucking,
- A large one for fucking,
-And a `boney' for beating a gong.
-%
-There was a young man from Glengozzle
-Who found a remarkable fossil.
- He knew by the bend
- And the wart on the end,
-'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There was a young man from Jodhpur
-Who found he could easily cure
- His dread diabetes
- By eating a foetus
-Served up in a sauce of manure.
-%
-There was a young man from Kent
-Whose tool was so long that it bent.
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young man from Lynn
-Whose cock was the size of a pin.
- Said his girl with a laugh
- As she felt his staff,
-"This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There was a young man from Maine
-Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
- It was almost as long,
- So he strolled with his dong
-Extended in sunshine and rain.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- But he looked in the glass,
- And saw his own ass,
-And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin,
- While wiping his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
-%
-There was a young man from New Haven
-Who had an affair with a raven.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"Nevermore!"
-%
-There was a young man from Peru,
-Who took a long trip by canoe.
- While staring at Venus,
- And rubbing his penis,
-He wound up with a handful of goo.
-%
-There was a young man from Purdue
-Who was only just learning to screw,
- But he hadn't the knack,
- And he got too far back --
-In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
-%
-There was a young man from Racine
-Who invented a fucking machine.
- Concave or convex,
- It served either sex,
-But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
-%
-There was a young man from Rangoon
-Who used to lament 'neath the moon
- That he had the luck
- To be born of a fuck
-That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-%
-There was a young man from Salinas
-Who had an extremely long penis:
- Believe it or not,
- When he lay on his cot
-It reached from Marin to Martinez.
-%
-There was a young man from Seattle
-Whose testicles tended to rattle.
- He said as he fuck-ed
- Some stones in a bucket,
-"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
-%
-There was a young man from Siam
-Who said, "I go in with a wham,
- But I soon lose my starch
- Like the mad month of March,
-And the lion comes out like a lamb."
-%
-There was a young man from St. Paul's
-Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
-That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-%
-There was a young man from Stamboul
-Who boasted so torrid a tool
- That each female crater
- Explored by this satyr
-Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
-%
-There was a young man from Tibet-
-And this is the strangest one yet-
- Whose tool was so long,
- So pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
-%
-There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
- At the height of their fever
- Her ass hit the lever
-And: yes, he has no banana.
-%
-There was a young man in Norway,
-Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
- But the air was so frigid
- It froze his cock rigid,
-And all he could come was frappe.
-%
-There was a young man in the choir
-Whose penis rose higher and higher,
- Till it reached such a height
- It was quite out of sight --
-But of course you know I'm a liar.
-%
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
- He lay with his feet
- Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
- He could stretch them and snap them,
- And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch
- So she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch,
- Yeah, she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Hughes
-Who swore off all kinds of booze.
- He said, "When I'm muddled
- My senses get fuddled,
-And I pass up too many screws."
-%
-There was a young man named Knute
-Who had warts all over his root.
- He put acid on these
- And now when he pees,
-He fingers the thing like a flute.
-%
-There was a young man named Laplace
-Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
- When they banged together
- They played "Stormy Weather"
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man named McNamiter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- But it wasn't the size
- Gave the girls a surprise,
-But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a young man named Rex
-Who really was small for his sex.
- When tried for exposure
- The judge's disclosure
-Was "de minimus non curat lex."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabel
-Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
- When they asked if his pleasure
- Was only half measure,
-He replied, "That is highly improbable."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabub
-Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
- But the pride of his life
- Were the tits of his wife --
-One real, and one India-rubber bub.
-%
-There was a young man of Arras
-Who stretched himself out on the grass,
- And with no little trouble,
- He bent himself double,
-And stuck his prick well up his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Australia
-Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
- He buggered a frog,
- Two mice and a dog,
-And a bishop in fullest regalia.
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
- I will suck, without charge,
- Any cock, if it's large.
-If it's small, I expect to be paid."
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who slept with a girl in the trade.
- She said to him, "Jack,
- Try the hole in the back;
-The front one is badly decayed."
-%
-There was a young man of Bengal
-Who swore he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Unbuttoned his britches,
-And found he had no balls at all.
-%
-There was a young man of Bombay
-Who buggered his dad once a day.
- He said, "I like, rather,
- Fucking my father --
-He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
-%
-There was a young man of Calcutta,
-Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
- When he got to c-u,
- A pious Hindoo
-Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of Coblenz
-Whose ballocks were simply immense:
- It took forty-four draymen,
- A priest and three laymen
-To carry them thither and thence.
-%
-There was a young man of Darjeeling
-Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
- In the electric light socket,
- He'd put it and rock it--
-Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- His tool when at ease,
- Hung down to his knees,
-Oh, what must it be when it rises!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes,
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- One was so small,
- It was nothing at all;
-The other took numerous prizes.
-%
-There was a young man of Dumfries
-Who said to his girl, "If you please,
- It would give me great bliss
- If, while playing with this,
-You would pay some attention to these!"
-%
-There was a young man of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- So long was his tool
- That it wound round a spool,
-And he let it out inach by inach.
-%
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
- Making love in a ditch
- To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum,
-The strength of whose balls was his doom.
- So strong was his shootin',
- The third law of Newton
-Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
- He not only fucked her,
- But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
-%
-There was a young man of Kildare
-Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
- The bannister broke,
- But he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man of Kutki
-Who could blink himself off with one eye.
- For a while though, he pined,
- When his organ declined
-To function, because of a stye.
-%
-There was a young man of Lahore
-Whose prick was one inch and no more.
- It was all right for key-holes
- And little girl's pee-holes,
-But not worth a damn with a whore.
-%
-There was a young man of Lake Placid
-Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
- When he wanted to sport
- He would have to resort
-To injections of sulphuric acid.
-%
-There was a young man of Madras
-Whose balls were constructed of brass.
- When jangled together
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Missouri
-Who fucked with a terrible fury.
- Till hauled into court
- For his beastial sport,
-And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-And Sue was the name of his gal.
- One day, north of Aden,
- He got his hard rod in,
-And came clear up Suez Canal.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
- Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
- Said he, "You be buggered!
-I like to fuck slow and I shall."
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Who let a girl play with his end.
- She took hold of Rover,
- And felt it all over,
-And it did what she didn't intend.
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
- "It's no use, my duck,
- Interrupting our fuck,
-For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
-%
-There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
-Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
- It was good for large whores,
- And for small dinosaurs,
-And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
-%
-There was a young man of Seattle
-Who bested a bull in a battle.
- With fire and gumption
- He assumed the bull's function,
-And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young man of Tibet
--- And this is the strangest one yet --
- His prick was so long,
- And so pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
-%
-There was a young man of Toulouse
-Who had a deficient prepuce,
- But the foreskin he lacked
- He made up in his sac;
-The result was, his balls were too loose.
-%
-There was a young man who appeared
-To his friends with a full growth of beard;
- They at once said, "Although
- We can't say why it's so,
-The effect is uncommonly weird."
- -- Edward Gorey
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff