I'm guessing that there should be no space between the hyphen and

[bsdgames-darwin.git] / fortune / datfiles / fortunes2-o.real

diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real
index 9ac5b7602750f66b7a9cba8e5546852d24b4334b..c81a84bc1e31d48635e7ddd0974f8405dd03a760 100644 (file)
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real
@@ -50,9 +50,9 @@ Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
 I'm not half the man I used to be.
 Oh, how did I get leprosy?
 
 I'm not half the man I used to be.
 Oh, how did I get leprosy?
 

-Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
+Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.

 Now it even hurts to take a piss.
 Now it even hurts to take a piss.

-Oh why did I get syphillis?
+Oh why did I get syphilis?

 
 Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
 I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
 
 Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
 I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....


@@ -657,7 +657,7 @@ all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
 sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
 the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
 muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
 sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
 the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
 muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the

-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
+"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,

 of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
 using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
        SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
 of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
 using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
        SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely


@@ -903,7 +903,7 @@ all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
 girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
 about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
 as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
 girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
 about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
 as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."

-       "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
+       "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."

        "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
 fail me."
 %
        "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
 fail me."
 %


@@ -1009,7 +1009,7 @@ hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
 the gun on himself!"
        "Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
 the gun on himself!"
        "Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."

-       "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
+       "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly

 have been worse?"
        "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
 dead right now."
 have been worse?"
        "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
 dead right now."


@@ -1133,7 +1133,7 @@ young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
 I'm on my way."
        "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
 %
 I'm on my way."
        "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
 %

-       In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+       In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be

 mud."
        And there was mud.
        And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
 mud."
        And there was mud.
        And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud


@@ -1146,27 +1146,6 @@ man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
        "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
        And He went away.
                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
        "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
        And He went away.
                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"

-%
-       In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
-       In the evening, floating in the soup.
-(chorus):
-Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
-Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
-       You can ask them anything you want to.
-       They won't answer; they can't talk.
-(chorus):
-       I took a fish head out to see a movie,
-       Didn't have to pay to get it in.
-(chorus):
-       They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
-       They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
-(chorus):
-       Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
-       Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
-(chorus):
-       Fishy!
-(chorus):
-               -- Fish Heads

 %
        In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
 %
        In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference


@@ -1218,12 +1197,12 @@ Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
 %
        Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
 %
        Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit

-the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
+the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her

 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
        "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
        "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of

-the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
+the hotel, out of breathe from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't

 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
        "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
        "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one


@@ -1240,7 +1219,7 @@ suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
 life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
 become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
        The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
 life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
 become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
        The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After

-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
+some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.

 The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
 male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
 the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
 The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
 male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
 the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the


@@ -1296,7 +1275,7 @@ audience, either."
        Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
 you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
        Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
 you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many

-cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal commitment.

        Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
 the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
 repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
        Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
 the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
 repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw


@@ -1348,7 +1327,7 @@ multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
        After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
 King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
 his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
        After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
 King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
 his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,

-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
+but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.

 The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
 banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
 %
 The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
 banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
 %


@@ -1364,7 +1343,7 @@ way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
 seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
 and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
 bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
 seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
 and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
 bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the

-flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
+flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,

 soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
 her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
 He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
 soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
 her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
 He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,


@@ -1381,8 +1360,8 @@ excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
 each others fuses.
                -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
 %
 each others fuses.
                -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
 %

-       One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
+       One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
+visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks

 up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
 say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
 kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
 up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
 say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
 kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!


@@ -1396,11 +1375,11 @@ never writes..."
 %
        One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
 HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
 %
        One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
 HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he

-there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
-made his TOOSIE ROLL.
+there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
+made his TOOTSIE ROLL.

        He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
 which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
        He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
 which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she

-squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
+squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3

 MUSKETEERS."
                -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
 %
 MUSKETEERS."
                -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
 %


@@ -1457,13 +1436,13 @@ motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
 jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
 bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
 then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
 jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
 bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
 then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in

-a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
+a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of

 a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
 out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
 side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
 a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
 out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
 side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.

-       Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
+       Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt

 blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
 blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free

-of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
+of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has

 the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
 are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
 circuits.
 the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
 are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
 circuits.


@@ -2011,7 +1990,7 @@ screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
        Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
 was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
 hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
        Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
 was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
 hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his

-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses.  "Never mind,"
+eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.  "Never mind,"

 I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
 Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
 bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
 I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
 Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
 bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.


@@ -2095,8 +2074,8 @@ into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
 evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
 waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
 an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
 evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
 waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
 an explanation.  She told him the whole story.

-       "Hmmm," mused the captian.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
-admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
+       "Hmmm," mused the captain.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
+admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, Miss, I feel it is only fair

 to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
 %
        "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
 to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
 %
        "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last


@@ -2147,7 +2126,7 @@ that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
 God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
 for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
 virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
 God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
 for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
 virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are

-frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
+frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus

 because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
 is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
 is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
 because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
 is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
 is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to


@@ -2191,21 +2170,6 @@ And bring me back ma prick.              I canna wait for him to die
  9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
 %
  9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
 %

-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
-       quarterback.
- 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
- 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
- 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
-       sleep with it beer, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
- 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
- 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
- 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
-10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
-%

 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
 
  1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
 
  1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.


@@ -2378,30 +2342,12 @@ all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
        The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
 you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
 %
        The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
 you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
 %

-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-       Told her Tante Louise
-       That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%

 A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
        "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
        "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
        "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
        "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
 %
 A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
        "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
        "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
        "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
        "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
 %

-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-       Saw a man come along
-       And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-       Saw a man come along
-       And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%

 A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
 six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
 sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
 A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
 six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
 sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from


@@ -2419,34 +2365,10 @@ beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
 how he had enjoyed it.
        "Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
 %
 how he had enjoyed it.
        "Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
 %

-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-       But another, more sane,
-       Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-       But another, more sane,
-       Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
-       Because during the day
-       She says: "Boys, keep away!"
-But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
-%
-A beautiful lady named Psyche
-Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
-       One thing about Ike
-       The lady can't like
-Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
-%

 A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
 purgatory for the purse. 
 %
 A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
 purgatory for the purse. 
 %

-A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
+A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes

 one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
 away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
 thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
 one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
 away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
 thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"


@@ -2510,31 +2432,6 @@ suppose you could try and tell me?"
 and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
 no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
 %
 and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
 no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
 %

-A bobby of Nottingham Junction
-Whose organ had long ceased to function
-       Deceived his good wife
-       For the rest of her life
-With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
-       "The height of my folly
-       Was diddling a collie-
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
-       "The height of my folly
-       Was fucking a collie --
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A burleyque dancer, a pip
-Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
-       But she read science fiction
-       And died of constriction
-Attempting a Moebius strip.
-               -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
-%

 A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
 Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
 and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
 A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
 Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
 and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after


@@ -2543,18 +2440,6 @@ minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
 masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
        "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
 %
 masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
        "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
 %

-A busy young lady named Gloria
-Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
-       And then by six men,
-       Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-A cabin boy on an old clipper
-Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
-       He plugged up his ass
-       With fragments of glass
-And thus circumcised his old skipper.
-%

 A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
 fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
 the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
 A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
 fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
 the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.


@@ -2564,26 +2449,7 @@ himself in an accentuated manner.
        "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
 Catholic!"
        "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
        "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
 Catholic!"
        "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,

-"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-       When his date was strapped in,
-       He committed a sin,
-Without even leaving his grodge.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-       With his date all strapped in
-       He committed a sin
-Without even leaving the garage.
-               -- "A Boy and His Dog"
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Tunney
-Had a whang that was worth any money.
-       When eased in half-way,
-       The girl's sigh made him say,
-"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
+"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."

 %
 A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
 by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
 %
 A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
 by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could


@@ -2603,108 +2469,15 @@ said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
        "How did you make him cry tonight?"
        "I proved it."
 %
        "How did you make him cry tonight?"
        "I proved it."
 %

-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
-       He said, "You may scoff,
-       But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
-       Shows his organs at large
-       For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
-       Though you may think it odd of me,
-       I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
-       But the sweetness of pitch
-       Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
-       Decided one day
-       That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
-       It had room for both hands
-       And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%

 A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
 %
 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
                -- Thomas Ybarra
 %
 A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
 %
 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
                -- Thomas Ybarra
 %

-A clergical student named Simms
-Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
-       A nice piece of ass
-       Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
-All the others get Anglican hymns.
-%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
-       He wore a hair shirt,
-       Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-       On the twenty-third stroke
-       The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-       On the twenty-third stroke
-       The goddam thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%

 A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
 most men know it's there, but few really care.
 %
 A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
 most men know it's there, but few really care.
 %

-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
-       "On my minuscule salary
-        I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
-       It chewed up its cards
-       And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
-%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
-       But this output can be
-       No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
-               -- Gigo
-%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
-       A foot cost a quid --
-       He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
-       At a masquerade ball,
-       Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%

 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
 
                [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
 
                [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]


@@ -2731,125 +2504,9 @@ penis."
        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
 that woman."
 %
        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
 that woman."
 %

-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
-       And said, "Bother the fish!
-       I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
-       He said, "No, I can't fuck
-       A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
-       She was not oversexed,
-       Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
-       It was no good for girls
-       But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
-       It was good for keyholes
-       And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
-       But is proudest of doing,
-       Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
-       She said, "It tastes nice,
-       Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%

 A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %
 A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %

-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
-       "I never could quite
-        Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
-       And, in his depravity,
-       Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
-       Let his third-story front,
-       To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
-       And prayed to her God
-       For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
-       As quick as a glance
-       He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-       But a dropout from paree
-       Taught him Gamahuchee
-- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-       But a dropout from paree
-       Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
-       She blew her vagina
-       To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
-       They found her vagina,
-       In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
-       Wore the foreskin away
-       On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace;
-       To make people afraid
-       He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
-       To make people afraid
-       He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-               -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
-%

 A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
 watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
 guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
 A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
 watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
 guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few


@@ -2941,13 +2598,6 @@ would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
        "First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
 must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
 %
        "First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
 must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
 %

-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
-       "If you're caught unawares
-       At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
 girl there.
        "This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
 girl there.
        "This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."


@@ -2972,43 +2622,13 @@ and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
        Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
 %
 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
        Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
 %

-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
-       Midst screeches and howls
-       He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
-       He brings home young camels
-       And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
-       With maniacal howls,
-       He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
-       To jail he did go,
-       From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
-%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
-       The thing circumsized him,
-       Which rather suprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%

 A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
 %
 A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
 %
 A hard man is good to find.
 %
 A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
 %
 A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
 %
 A hard man is good to find.
 %

-A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
+A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of

 the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
 that?"
 the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
 that?"


@@ -3450,7 +3070,7 @@ A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
 %
 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
 out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
 %
 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
 out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk

-Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
+Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two.  After a few

 minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
 and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
 them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
 minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
 and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
 them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend


@@ -3560,19 +3180,6 @@ A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
 %
 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
 %
 %
 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
 %

-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
-       My secret's aversion,
-       To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
-               -- W.J. Wilson
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
-       They were graded and spaced
-       So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%

 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
        The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
        The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a


@@ -3583,7 +3190,7 @@ might be made an Archbishop."
        "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
        "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
        "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
        "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
        "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
        "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"

-       Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+       Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could

 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
        "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
 up from being the Pope?"
 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
        "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
 up from being the Pope?"


@@ -3621,8 +3228,8 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
 %
 A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
 his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
 %
 A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
 his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,

-sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprieter, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?"  The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
+sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
+to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four

 pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
 condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
 for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
 pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
 condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
 for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."


@@ -3717,7 +3324,7 @@ wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
 to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
 game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
 a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
 to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
 game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
 a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went

-quiet.  In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
+quiet.  In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.

        "What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
        "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
 %
        "What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
        "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
 %


@@ -3753,12 +3360,6 @@ but business is business."
 %
 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
 %
 %
 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
 %

-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
-       The result of this fuck
-       Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
-%

 A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
 century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
 rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
 A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
 century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
 rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry


@@ -3940,28 +3541,10 @@ received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
 
        I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
        when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
 
        I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
        when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm

-       going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
+       going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...

 %
 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
 %
 %
 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
 %

-Aboard the good ship Venus,            The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
-The mast it was a penis,               A cunning little nipper,
-       Her figurehead                          They filled his ass,
-       A whore in bed,                         With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us!    And circumcized the skipper.
-
-The first mate's name was Higgins,     The captain's daughter Mabel,
-And Higgins was a biggins,             They screwed when they were able,
-       Once round the deck,                    They nailed her tits,
-       Twice up the mast,                      Those nasty shits,
-And the rest was used for riggins'!    Right to the captain's table.
-
-The engineer's name was Carter,                The second mate's name was Andy,
-And Carter was a farter,               By God, he was a dandy,
-       When the wind wouldn't blow,            They broke his cock,
-       And the ship couldn't go,               With chunks of rock,
-Carter the farter would start her!     For conking in the brandy!
-%

 AC/DC is a rock band.
                 -- Bisexuality, 101
 %
 AC/DC is a rock band.
                 -- Bisexuality, 101
 %


@@ -4019,7 +3602,7 @@ After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
 %
 After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
 in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
 %
 After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
 in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan

-hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
+hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints

 and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
 to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
 become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
 and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
 to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
 become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had


@@ -4085,7 +3668,7 @@ Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
 %
 Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
 
 %
 Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
 

-Q:     You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
+Q:     You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?

 A:     Antler marks on their hips.
 %
 Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
 A:     Antler marks on their hips.
 %
 Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,


@@ -4334,19 +3917,12 @@ American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
 you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
 street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
 %
 you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
 street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
 %

-An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
-Saw sartorial changes ahead.
-       His mind kept on ringing
-       With fishy girls singing;
-Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
-               -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%

 An Army travels on her stomach.
 %
 An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
 logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
 been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
 An Army travels on her stomach.
 %
 An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
 logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
 been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.

-               -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
+               -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia

 %
 An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
 chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
 %
 An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
 chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the


@@ -4373,7 +3949,7 @@ lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
 other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
 redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
 no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
 other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
 redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
 no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether

-because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
+because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was

 nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
 lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
 and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
 nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
 lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
 and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes


@@ -4383,12 +3959,6 @@ and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
 lewd in it at all.
                -- Marquis de Sade
 %
 lewd in it at all.
                -- Marquis de Sade
 %

-And let me the canakin clink, clink;
-and let me the canakin clink.
-       A soldier's a man;
-       O, man's life's but a span,
-Why then, let a soldier drink.
-%

 And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
 ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
 %
 And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
 ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
 %


@@ -4453,7 +4023,7 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
 %
 Another stupid gay joke!!!
        You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
 %
 Another stupid gay joke!!!
        You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry

-daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 
+daiquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 

 serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
 in and kick your ass?"
        The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
 serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
 in and kick your ass?"
        The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo


@@ -4517,7 +4087,7 @@ was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
 %
 As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
 %
 %
 As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
 %

-As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
+As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex

 makes the ride fun."
 %
 As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
 makes the ride fun."
 %
 As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier


@@ -4559,7 +4129,7 @@ as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
        -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
        -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
        -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
        -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
        -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
        -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of

-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
+white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,

 who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
        Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
 your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
 who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
        Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
 your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive


@@ -4670,7 +4240,7 @@ Balls Law:
 %
 BALTIMORE:
        Where the women wear turtleneck
 %
 BALTIMORE:
        Where the women wear turtleneck

-       sweators to hide their flea collars.
+       sweaters to hide their flea collars.

 %
 Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
 %
 %
 Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
 %


@@ -4761,7 +4331,7 @@ generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
 prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
 and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
 you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
 prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
 and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
 you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail

-isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
+isn't sharp.  In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously

 remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
 with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
 A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
 remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
 with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
 A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but


@@ -4842,7 +4412,7 @@ week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
 students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
 with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
 the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
 students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
 with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
 the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected

-to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
+to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Preliminary estimates during field testing

 revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
 the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
 campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
 revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
 the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
 campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on


@@ -5114,12 +4684,6 @@ ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
 endure marriage.  But she?
                -- Franz Kafka
 %
 endure marriage.  But she?
                -- Franz Kafka
 %

-Coitus upon a cadaver
-Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
-       Her inanimate state
-       Means a man needn't wait,
-And eliminates all the palaver.
-%

 COLD:
        When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
 %
 COLD:
        When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
 %


@@ -5184,10 +4748,10 @@ Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
 
        [Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
 %
 
        [Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
 %

-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
+Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.

                -- Robin Williams
 %
                -- Robin Williams
 %

-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:

        man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
        man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
        man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
        man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
        man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
        man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.


@@ -5202,7 +4766,7 @@ Confucious say:
        a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
        man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
 %
        a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
        man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
 %

-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:

        man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
        man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
        man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
        man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
        man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
        man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.


@@ -5214,7 +4778,7 @@ Confucious say:
        man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
                get exhausted.
 %
        man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
                get exhausted.
 %

-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:

        woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
        woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
                next spring.
        woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
        woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
                next spring.


@@ -5223,13 +4787,13 @@ Confucious say:
        man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
        man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
        woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
        man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
        man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
        woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.

-       woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
+       woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.

        Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
        squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
        eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
        seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
 %
        Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
        squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
        eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
        seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
 %

-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:

        woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
        fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
        woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
        woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
        fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
        woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.


@@ -5327,7 +4891,7 @@ as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
 and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
 because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
 more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
 and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
 because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
 more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our

-entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
+entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing

 honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
 to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
 general understanding of science as an enterprise?
 honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
 to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
 general understanding of science as an enterprise?


@@ -5336,22 +4900,10 @@ general understanding of science as an enterprise?
 crew, n:
        Eight big men and their cute little cox.
 %
 crew, n:
        Eight big men and their cute little cox.
 %

-Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
-I know - you don't have to say that!
-       All you guys want of me
-       Is a poke where I pee,
-And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
-%

 Crinklaw's Observation:
        Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
        marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
 %
 Crinklaw's Observation:
        Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
        marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
 %

-Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
-Homo qui aedificabat.
-       Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
-       Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
-Sed virginem pine necebat.
-%

 Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
 %
 Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
 Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
 %
 Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.


@@ -5371,12 +4923,6 @@ Of a bicycle built for two.
 %
 Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
 %
 %
 Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
 %

-Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
-Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
-       She went down on the gents,
-       And pronged the girl's vents
-With a clitoris reaching six inches.
-%

 Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
                -- Raymond Chandler
 %
 Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
                -- Raymond Chandler
 %


@@ -5409,19 +4955,13 @@ you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
 %
 Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
 %
 %
 Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
 %

-Dave has an areoplane,
+Dave has an aeroplane,

 In which he likes to frisk.
 Oh what a foolish boy,
 His silly *.
 %
 David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
 %
 In which he likes to frisk.
 Oh what a foolish boy,
 His silly *.
 %
 David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
 %

-De Hispanice puella verumque
-Simplex oris verborumque
-       Tulit potens vagina
-       Hominum agmina
-Iterum iterum iterumque.
-%

 Dear Abby:
        I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
 a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
 Dear Abby:
        I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
 a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my


@@ -5539,12 +5079,6 @@ Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
 Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
 You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
 %
 Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
 You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
 %

-Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
-He was blown down the street by a rocket.
-       The force of the blast
-       Blew his balls up his ass,
-And his pecker was found in his pocket.
-%

 Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
 Found the body.
 %
 Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
 Found the body.
 %


@@ -5666,12 +5200,6 @@ Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
 %
 Dull women have immaculate homes.
 %
 %
 Dull women have immaculate homes.
 %

-DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
-Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
-       And by planned obsolescence,
-       So controlled detumescence,
-A poor man could not get a smell.
-%

 During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
 Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
 Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
 During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
 Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
 Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I


@@ -5740,21 +5268,9 @@ as a male schlemiel.
 Erogenous zone, n:
        The skin you touch to love.
 %
 Erogenous zone, n:
        The skin you touch to love.
 %

-Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
-Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
-       Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
-       Ich hore Mann kommen."
-"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
-%

 eternity, n:
        The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
 %
 eternity, n:
        The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
 %

-Ethnologists up with the Sioux
-Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
-       The answer next day,
-       Said, "Girls on the way,
-But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
-%

 Evangelists do it with Him watching.
 %
 Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
 Evangelists do it with Him watching.
 %
 Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.


@@ -5827,7 +5343,7 @@ cats.
 about it.
        They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
        They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
 about it.
        They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
        They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  

-       What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
+       What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty negligible.

 It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
 do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
 %
 It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
 do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
 %


@@ -5837,12 +5353,6 @@ Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
 exotic dancer, n:
        A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
 %
 exotic dancer, n:
        A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
 %

-Exuberant Sue from Anjou
-Found that fucking affected her hue.
-       She presented to sight
-       Nipples pink, bottom white;
-But her asshole was purple and blue.
-%

 falsie salesman, n:
        Fuller bust man.
 %
 falsie salesman, n:
        Fuller bust man.
 %


@@ -5951,12 +5461,6 @@ He's so neat, he's so cool,
 Walks across my swimming pool.
 Has anybody...
 %
 Walks across my swimming pool.
 Has anybody...
 %

-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the Mobius strip;
-       The strip revolved,
-       The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%

 Flirt, n:
        A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
 %
 Flirt, n:
        A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
 %


@@ -5981,12 +5485,6 @@ appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
 Mr. Joe Gideon!!
                -- All That Jazz
 %
 Mr. Joe Gideon!!
                -- All That Jazz
 %

-Fond of equestrians, Mabel
-Looked for true love in the stable.
-       But she found the studs,
-       For her were all duds,
-Now she's out with the leg of a table.
-%

 For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
 %
 For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
 For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
 %
 For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.


@@ -6023,24 +5521,6 @@ sweetheart?"
        He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
 cocksucker!"
 %
        He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
 cocksucker!"
 %

-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-       But the one remedy
-       For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-       But the one remedy
-       For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.               
-%
-"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
-"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
-       You have made much fine verse on
-       Each part of my person,
-Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
-%

 fornication, n:
        Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
 %
 fornication, n:
        Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
 %


@@ -6176,7 +5656,7 @@ there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
 
 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
 
 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives

-in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
+in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchilada casserole and

 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:


@@ -6276,12 +5756,6 @@ Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
 %
 Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
 %
 %
 Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
 %

-Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
-It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
-       It makes you sick, it makes you well,
-       It turns your spine to fucking jell,
-It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
-%

 fuck-me-pumps, n:
        Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
 The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
 fuck-me-pumps, n:
        Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
 The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with


@@ -6478,18 +5952,6 @@ dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
 that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
 expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
 %
 that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
 expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
 %

-God's plan had a great beginning,
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning
-       We trust that the story
-       Will end in God's glory
-But at present the other side's winning.
-%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
-       We trust that the story
-       Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
-%

 Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
 is fatal to a virgin.
                -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
 Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
 is fatal to a virgin.
                -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"


@@ -6527,14 +5989,14 @@ able to get loose.
 Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
 %
 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
 Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
 %
 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!

-Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
+Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...

 
 Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
 isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
 
 It's swell to have a Stiffy,
 it's divine to have a Dick,
 
 Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
 isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
 
 It's swell to have a Stiffy,
 it's divine to have a Dick,

-from the tinyest little Tadger,
+from the tiniest little Tadger,

 to the world's greatest Prick.
 
 So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
 to the world's greatest Prick.
 
 So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,


@@ -6559,7 +6021,7 @@ good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
 voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
 the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
 great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
 voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
 the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
 great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.

-Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
+Gorbachev then woke up Raisa and his closest aides, brought them into his

 bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
 "Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
 Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
 bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
 "Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
 Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his


@@ -6707,30 +6169,6 @@ damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
 Shirley" week after week.
                -- Dave Barry
 %
 Shirley" week after week.
                -- Dave Barry
 %

-Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
-Who came to Rumania's rescue?
-       It's a wonderful thing
-       To be under a king--
-Is democracy better, I esk you?
-%
-Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
-Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
-       Some people say,
-       Love finds a way,
-But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
-%
-Have you heard of the lady named Cox
-Who had a capacious old box?
-       When her lover was in place
-       She said, "Please turn your face.
-I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
-%
-Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
-And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
-       How they lift the frock
-       And tickle the cock
-Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
-%

 Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
 Like some bright erotic star,
 He lights up the proceedings,
 Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
 Like some bright erotic star,
 He lights up the proceedings,


@@ -6837,18 +6275,6 @@ great!"
        The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
 a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
 %
        The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
 a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
 %

-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-       Her husband said, "Vi,
-       When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
-Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
-       Then his gargantuan pole in
-       Her pink, tight, and swollen
-Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
-%

 He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
 %
 He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
 He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
 %
 He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.


@@ -6933,7 +6359,7 @@ Hear about...
        wrong foot?
 %
 Hear about...
        wrong foot?
 %
 Hear about...

-       the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
+       the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia?  His patients didn't

        get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
 %
 Hear about...
        get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
 %
 Hear about...


@@ -7108,7 +6534,7 @@ Hear about...
        the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
 %
 Hear about...
        the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
 %
 Hear about...

-       the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
+       the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?

 %
 Hear about...
        the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
 %
 Hear about...
        the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into


@@ -7242,18 +6668,6 @@ Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
 HENPECKED HUSBAND:
        One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
 %
 HENPECKED HUSBAND:
        One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
 %

-Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
-Could rotate his pecker, and then
-       He would shoot through his rear
-       Which made him dear
-Of the girls, and the envy of men.
-%
-Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
-Had morals the city might soften.
-       So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
-       Are you living in sin?"
-Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
-%

 Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
 %
 Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
 Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
 %
 Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',


@@ -7358,12 +6772,6 @@ Opened its door.         Fun is in store.
 %
 Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
 %
 %
 Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
 %

-His shy bride admitted to Crandall
-That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
-       But a cock like his dick
-       Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
-%

 Home is where the hurt is.
                -- Strange de Jim
 %
 Home is where the hurt is.
                -- Strange de Jim
 %


@@ -7492,18 +6900,6 @@ week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
 Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
                -- William Cobbett, British journalist
 %
 Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
                -- William Cobbett, British journalist
 %

-I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
-Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
-       I replied, "Simple shagging
-       Without any wagging
-Is only for screwing canoeing."
-%
-"I do love a lay every day,
-So whenever you're coming this way
-       Just phone in advance
-       And I'll jerk off my pants,
-And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
-%

 I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
 %
 I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
 I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
 %
 I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.


@@ -7601,7 +6997,7 @@ Was over a barrel
 When Tarantula took to the hills.      ["Lick it!"]
 And I really got hot
 When I saw Jeanette Scott
 When Tarantula took to the hills.      ["Lick it!"]
 And I really got hot
 When I saw Jeanette Scott

-Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
+Fight a trifid that spits poison and kills.

 
 Science fiction, double feature
 Doctor X will build a creature.
 
 Science fiction, double feature
 Doctor X will build a creature.


@@ -7648,12 +7044,6 @@ is to bring a New Yorker home first.
 %
 I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
 %
 %
 I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
 %

-I met a young man in Chungking
-Who had a very long thing --
-       But you'll guess my surprise
-       When I found that its size
-Just measured a third-finger ring!
-%

 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
 into my neighborhood after dark.
                -- Dick Gregory
 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
 into my neighborhood after dark.
                -- Dick Gregory


@@ -7662,12 +7052,6 @@ I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
 it was hell.
                -- Harry S. Truman
 %
 it was hell.
                -- Harry S. Truman
 %

-I never had Miss Defauw,
-But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
-       If she'd only said "No"
-       When I wanted her so;
-But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
-%

 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
 %
 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
 %
 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.


@@ -7676,24 +7060,6 @@ I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
                -- Lyndon Johnson
 %
 I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
                -- Lyndon Johnson
 %

-I once had the wife of a Dean
-Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
-       She remarked with some gaiety,
-       "Not bad for the laiety,
-Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
-%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-       Now I know the perfection
-       Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-I once was annoyed by a queer
-Who made his intentions quite clear.
-       Said I, "I'm no prude,
-       So don't think me rude,
-But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
-%

 I only date queers.
                 -- Bisexuality, 101
 
 I only date queers.
                 -- Bisexuality, 101
 


@@ -7814,44 +7180,6 @@ And have myself an illegitimate child
 I wish I were a fascinating lady
 Instead I'm the minister's child
 %
 I wish I were a fascinating lady
 Instead I'm the minister's child
 %

-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-       But this walking around
-       Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
-               -- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-       But this walking around
-       Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore! 
-               -- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
-Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
-       I wonder can she tell
-       That I've been raising hell;
-Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
-
-My wife is just as nice as can be,
-I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
-       For an afternoon of joy,
-       Is hell on the old boy,
-I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
-%
-I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
-I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
-       She said it was crude
-       To be wooed in the nude--
-I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
-%
-I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
-I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
-       And in all my lewd life
-       I've met none like your wife,
-So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
-%

 I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
 %
 I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
 I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
 %
 I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of


@@ -7875,23 +7203,11 @@ I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
 man as its logo."
                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %
 man as its logo."
                -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
 %

-I'd rather have fingers than toes,
-I'd rather have ears than a nose,
-       And a happy erection
-       Brought just to perfection
-Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
-%

 I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
 %
 If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
 does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
 %
 I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
 %
 If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
 does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
 %

-If continence causes neurosis
-And intercourse causes thrombosis
-       I'd rather expire
-       Fulfilling desire
-Than live in a state of psychosis.
-%

 If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
 %
 If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
 If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
 %
 If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,


@@ -8003,12 +7319,6 @@ If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
 %
 If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
 %
 %
 If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
 %

-If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
-Employ first-order predicate calculus.
-       With sufficient formality,
-       The sheerest banality,
-Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
-%

 If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
 abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
 %
 If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
 abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
 %


@@ -8027,37 +7337,6 @@ like one or the other of you planned.
 If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
 when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
 %
 If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
 when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
 %

-If you're speaking of actions immoral
-The how about giving the laurel
-       To doughty Queen Esther,
-       No three men could best her --
-One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
-%
-Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
-D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
-       Il la mene chaque soir
-       A son caveau noir
-Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
-Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
-       Il dit:"quant a' moi,
-       Je deteste tous les trois,
-Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
-%
-Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
-Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
-       Dit-elle, "Arretez!
-       J'entends quelqu'un venait."
-Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
-%
-Il y avait une madame de Lahore
-Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
-       Mais la vagine tres forte,
-       Toujours ouverte la porte,
-Encore, et encore, et encore.
-%

 "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
 doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
        "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
 "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
 doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
        "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went


@@ -8187,7 +7466,7 @@ impotent loser, n:
 In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
 what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
 Finally they decide:
 In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
 what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
 Finally they decide:

-       "Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
+       "Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us

 bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
 Finally a telegram comes back:
        "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
 bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
 Finally a telegram comes back:
        "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"


@@ -8215,12 +7494,6 @@ In days of old, when knights were bold,
 They tied their socks around their cocks
        And babies were prevented.
 %
 They tied their socks around their cocks
        And babies were prevented.
 %

-In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
-Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
-       But this lubricant lapse
-       Isn't noticed, perhaps
-Because nobody does in Duluth.
-%

 In France they piss on Main Street
 (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
                -- Joni Mitchell
 In France they piss on Main Street
 (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
                -- Joni Mitchell


@@ -8228,30 +7501,6 @@ In France they piss on Main Street
 In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
 its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
 %
 In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
 its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
 %

-In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
-Was the first time I ever laid down,
-       I was both proud and shy
-       As he opened his fly
-And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
-
-Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
-As it went in I made not a sound,
-       The more that he shoved it
-       The more that I loved it,
-As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
-%
-In my sweet little night gown of blue,
-On the first night that I slept with you,
-       I was both shy and scared
-       As the bed was prepared,
-And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
-
-As we both watched the break of day,
-And in peaceful submission I lay,
-       You said you adored it
-       But dammit, you tore it,
-My sweet little night gown of blue.
-%

 In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
 %
 In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
 In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
 %
 In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless


@@ -8323,7 +7572,7 @@ Infatuation, n:
        When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
        When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
 %
        When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
        When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
 %

-Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe

 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
 %
 ====================
 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
 %
 ====================


@@ -8491,12 +7740,6 @@ Especially in a paternity hearing.
 It takes leather balls to play rugby.
        (Blood makes the grass grow!)
 %
 It takes leather balls to play rugby.
        (Blood makes the grass grow!)
 %

-It takes little strain and no art
-To bang out an echoing fart.
-       The reaction is hearty
-       When you fart at a party,
-But the sensitive persons depart.
-%

 It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
 They can kiss that shit goodbye.
 %
 It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
 They can kiss that shit goodbye.
 %


@@ -8635,7 +7878,7 @@ It's a bitch being butch.
 It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
 on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
 %
 It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
 on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
 %

-It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
+It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.

 I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
                -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
                   of older women versus younger women
 I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
                -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
                   of older women versus younger women


@@ -8693,7 +7936,7 @@ And fuck some more!                       I would dance and I'd be merry
                                        If I only had a dong!
                -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
 %
                                        If I only had a dong!
                -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
 %

-I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
+I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something

 on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
 were more than enough.
 %
 on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
 were more than enough.
 %


@@ -9125,7 +8368,7 @@ raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
 distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
 stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
 black hat and a red neckerchief.
 distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
 stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
 black hat and a red neckerchief.

-       The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
+       The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.

 He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
 dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
 had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
 He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
 dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
 had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.


@@ -9164,12 +8407,6 @@ twang of a bedspring.
 Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
                -- Johnny Rotten
 %
 Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
                -- Johnny Rotten
 %

-Love letters no longer they write us,
-To their homes they so seldom invite us.
-       It grieves me to say,
-       They have learned with dismay,
-We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
-%

 Luser, n:
        Someone who picks up a female
        hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
 Luser, n:
        Someone who picks up a female
        hitch-hiker walking home from a date.


@@ -9238,12 +8475,6 @@ Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
 at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
                -- Billy Carter
 %
 at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
                -- Billy Carter
 %

-Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
-She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
-       If you want to get laid,
-       Then we'll have to tribade!"
-(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
-%

 Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
                -- Peter De Vries
 %
 Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
                -- Peter De Vries
 %


@@ -9252,7 +8483,7 @@ you lose interest.
                -- Professor Irwin Corey
 %
 Mary had a little lamb,
                -- Professor Irwin Corey
 %
 Mary had a little lamb,

-It's fleece as white as snow.
+Its fleece as white as snow.

 It followed her to school one day,
 And got fucked by a big black dog.
 %
 It followed her to school one day,
 And got fucked by a big black dog.
 %


@@ -9316,12 +8547,6 @@ May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
 Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
 opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
 %
 Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
 opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
 %

-McCoy's a seducer galore,
-And of virgins he has quite a score.
-       He tells them, "My dear,
-       You're the Final Frontier,
-Where man never has gone before."
-%

 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50",
        you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50",
        you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.


@@ -9519,19 +8744,13 @@ the door.
        Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
 chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
 %
        Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
 chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
 %

-Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
-Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
-       When he's under the weather
-       They can't get together,
-So others get into her box.
-%

 Murphy's Discovery:
        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
        to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
        everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
        months later, you're in trouble!
 %
 Murphy's Discovery:
        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
        to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
        everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
        months later, you're in trouble!
 %

-Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
+Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism

 fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
 understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
 being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
 fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
 understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
 being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,


@@ -9566,13 +8785,6 @@ My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
 and they stick.
                -- Johnny Bob
 %
 and they stick.
                -- Johnny Bob
 %

-My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-       I'm covered with sweat,
-       And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-               -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-%

 My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
 %
 My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
 %


@@ -9619,20 +8831,6 @@ And that's when I almost died,
 They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
 To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
 %
 They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
 To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
 %

-`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
-I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
-       The ship was all white
-       But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
-I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
-       The ship was all white
-       But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
 She's up to three packs a day.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
 My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
 She's up to three packs a day.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield


@@ -9662,7 +8860,7 @@ navel, n:
 Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
 Watch who you sleep with.
 %
 Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
 Watch who you sleep with.
 %

-necrophelia, n:
+necrophilia, n:

        Dead boring.
 
 incest, n:
        Dead boring.
 
 incest, n:


@@ -9783,7 +8981,7 @@ have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
 of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
 "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
 "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
 of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
 "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
 "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved

-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
+by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,

 you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
 promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
                -- D. Adams
 you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
 promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
                -- D. Adams


@@ -9795,7 +8993,7 @@ What would they do if I made no landfall?"
                -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
 %
 Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
                -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
 %
 Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and

-occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her.  She came up
+occasionally has problems with folks harassing her.  She came up

 with this in response to one...
 
        Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
 with this in response to one...
 
        Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.


@@ -9827,12 +9025,6 @@ Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
 %
 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
 %
 %
 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
 %

-Oden the bardling averred
-His muse was the bum of a bird,
-       And his Lesbian wife
-       Would finger his fife
-While Fisherwood waited as third.
-%

 Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
 exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
 author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
 Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
 exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
 author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"


@@ -9851,12 +9043,6 @@ sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
 Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
 The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
 %
 Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
 The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
 %

-Of his face she thought not very much,
-But then, at the very first touch,
-       Her attitude shifted --
-       He was terribly gifted
-At frigging and fucking and such.
-%

 Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
 %
 Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
 Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
 %
 Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,


@@ -9881,24 +9067,6 @@ Oh John, let's.
 Oh John.
 Oh.
 %
 Oh John.
 Oh.
 %

-Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
-Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
-       The poor wench doth stammer,
-       "I need a sledgehammer
-To pound a man into my vent."
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-       Seems the puma, in play,
-       Tore his testes away -
-- An example of animal huma.
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-       Seems the puma, in play,
-       Tore his testes away --
-An example of animal huma.
-%

 Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
                -- Don Herold
 %
 Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
                -- Don Herold
 %


@@ -9973,18 +9141,6 @@ You see, he had a bone of his own.
 Olmstead's Law:
        After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
 %
 Olmstead's Law:
        After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
 %

-On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
-Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
-       Not russian elite-
-       She's eager to eat
-Whatever or whoever lays her.
-%
-On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
-The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
-       "Aha!" said the mate,
-       "That settles the fate
-Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
-%

 On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
 herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
 The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
 On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
 herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
 The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he


@@ -10000,12 +9156,6 @@ On Brassieres:
        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
 %
        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
 %

-On day a Monterey daughter
-Did scuba down under the water.
-       She later turned up
-       The mom of a pup,
-And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
-%

 On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
 Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
 on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
 On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
 Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
 on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was


@@ -10025,24 +9175,6 @@ me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
                under the big tree at the pass!"
        Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
 %
                under the big tree at the pass!"
        Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
 %

-On the breast of a lady named Gail,
-Was tattooed the price of her tail.
-       And on her behind,
-       For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information -- in Braille.
-%
-On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tatooed the price of her tail
-       And on her behind,
-       For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information in Braille.
-%
-On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
-His girl got a yen for fellatio.
-       As she sucked on his dingus
-       He tried cunnilingus
-But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
-%

 Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
 eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
 only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
 Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
 eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
 only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you


@@ -10062,12 +9194,6 @@ Once a woman has given you her heart you
 can never get rid of the rest of her.
                -- Vanbrugh
 %
 can never get rid of the rest of her.
                -- Vanbrugh
 %

-Once a young gay from Khartoum,
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-       They argued all night
-       Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%

 Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
 for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
 as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
 Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
 for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
 as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first


@@ -10186,12 +9312,6 @@ Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
 are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
 but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
 %
 are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
 but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
 %

-Once was a hooker named Gail,
-Busted and sent-off to jail,
-       She liked the jailer,
-       He wanted to nail her,
-So Gail made bail with her tail.
-%

 Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
 the rest of life is that much easier.
 %
 Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
 the rest of life is that much easier.
 %


@@ -10281,7 +9401,7 @@ inquired.
        "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
 %
 "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
        "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
 %
 "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most

-gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
+gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she

 said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
 guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
 analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
 said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
 guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
 analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the


@@ -10314,18 +9434,6 @@ walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
 "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
        "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
 %
 "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
        "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
 %

-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-       When asked what position
-       He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the loetus."
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-       When asked what position
-       He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the lotus."
-%

 One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
 to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
 his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
 One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
 to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
 his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and


@@ -10352,18 +9460,6 @@ another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
 wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
 like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
 %
 wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
 like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
 %

-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-       His enormous red whang
-       Gave her a wonderful bang --
-She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-       Then she picked up his hat
-       And realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%

 One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
 to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
        "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
 One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
 to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
        "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,


@@ -10482,12 +9578,6 @@ an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
 ever considering whether there were men on base.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
 %
 ever considering whether there were men on base.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
 %

-Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
-Has invented a new kind of car.
-       With a tank full of shit
-       There's no stopping it --
-For short trips, two poots take you far.
-%

 Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
 possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
 of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
 Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
 possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
 of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good


@@ -10636,12 +9726,6 @@ that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
 nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
                -- The Joy of Sex
 %
 nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
                -- The Joy of Sex
 %

-Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
-Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
-       At her first sight of one
-       She started to run,
-And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
-%

 Posterity will ne'er survey
 A nobler grave than this;
 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
 Posterity will ne'er survey
 A nobler grave than this;
 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;


@@ -10652,13 +9736,6 @@ Postulate #1:   Nothing is better than sex.
 Postulate #2:  Masturbation is better than nothing.
 Conclusion:    Masturbation is better than sex.
 %
 Postulate #2:  Masturbation is better than nothing.
 Conclusion:    Masturbation is better than sex.
 %

-Pour guerir un acces de fievre
-Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
-       Il le prit a son trou,
-       Et fit faire un ragout
-Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
 Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
 I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
 Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
 Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
 I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit


@@ -10695,7 +9772,7 @@ Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
 %
 Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
 %
 %
 Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
 %

-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
+Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to

 the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
 in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
 picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
 the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
 in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
 picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"


@@ -10871,7 +9948,7 @@ A:       "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
        credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
 %
 Q:     How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
        credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
 %
 Q:     How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light

-       bulb, in San Fransisco?
+       bulb, in San Francisco?

 A:     Both of them.
 %
 Q:     How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A:     Both of them.
 %
 Q:     How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


@@ -10904,7 +9981,7 @@ A:       Sheep don't have strings.
 Q:     What do two WASPs say after making love?
 A:     Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
 %
 Q:     What do two WASPs say after making love?
 A:     Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
 %

-Q:     What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
+Q:     What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?

 A:     Trustworthy.
 %
 Q:     What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
 A:     Trustworthy.
 %
 Q:     What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?


@@ -10956,7 +10033,7 @@ A:      Will the defendant please rise?
 %
 Q:     What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
 A:     It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
 %
 Q:     What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
 A:     It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the

-       Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
+       Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take

        the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
 %
 Q:     What goes
        the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
 %
 Q:     What goes


@@ -11128,7 +10205,7 @@ Q:      Why do dogs lick their private parts?
 A:     Because they can.
 %
 Q:     Why do ducks have webbed feet?
 A:     Because they can.
 %
 Q:     Why do ducks have webbed feet?

-A:     To stamp out forest firest.
+A:     To stamp out forest fires.

 
 Q:     Why do elephants have big flat feet?
 A:     To stamp out flaming ducks.
 
 Q:     Why do elephants have big flat feet?
 A:     To stamp out flaming ducks.


@@ -11307,7 +10384,7 @@ QOTD:
                -- Mark-Jason Dominus
 %
 QOTD:
                -- Mark-Jason Dominus
 %
 QOTD:

-       No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
+       No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.

 %
 QOTD:
        "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
 %
 QOTD:
        "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay


@@ -11404,7 +10481,7 @@ Readers Ask:
 
 Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
 usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
 
 Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
 usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If

-a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
+a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is

 possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
 of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
 driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
 possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
 of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
 driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill


@@ -11542,158 +10619,6 @@ two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
 %
 Runners do it alone.
 %
 %
 Runners do it alone.
 %

-Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
-"The men like to spread my two legs,
-       Then slip in between,
-       If you know what I mean,
-And leave me the white of their eggs."
-%
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
-"This has been a most wonderful day.
-       Three cherry tarts,
-       At least twenty farts,
-Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
-%
-Said a girl who upon her divan
-Was attacked by a virile young man:
-       "Such excess of passion
-       Is quite out of fashion"
-And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
-"What care I for this shortage of gum?
-       My favorite chew
-       Is a condom or two,
-With a goodly amount of fresh come."
-%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-       But a fullback from State,
-       Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
-When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
-       "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
-       And tease it, and please it,
-For Rome wasn't built in a day."
-%
-Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
-Of all the girls that I've had,
-       None gave me the thrill
-       Of real rapture until
-I learned how to be a tribade."
-%
-Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
-To a sailor just off of a barge,
-       "We have one girl that's dead,
-       With a hole in her head--
-Of course there's a slight extra charge."
-%
-Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
-I'm simply too shy and afraid
-       To take part in your pranks.
-       But to show you my thanks,
-I'd just love to become your first aide.
-%
-Said a pornographistic young poet
-"Although I perhaps do not show it,
-       My interest in sin
-       Is wearing quite thin,
-And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-       "Try as hard as I can,
-        I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-       "Try as hard as I can,
-       I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-       "Try as hard as I can,
-        I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
-"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
-       Uhura said, "No,
-       At night that's not so--
-He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
-       Let  v  be virginity
-       Approaching infinity;
-Let  p  be a constant persuasion;
-
-Let  p  over  p  be inverted
-With the square root of mu inserted
-       N  times into  v  ...
-       The result, Q E D,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
-       Let V be virginity
-       Approaching infinity;
-Let P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let V over P be inverted
-With the square root of Mu inserted
-       N times into V ...
-       The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
-Is leading me straight to perdition;
-       But I haven't the strength
-       To go to the length
-Of making an act of contrition."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said President Jobcock one day :
-"War's better than love, I should say.
-       Instead of a virgin,
-       It's murder I'm urgin'--
-You get lots more blood that-a-way."
-%
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
-"Only infidel dogs put it in.
-       Back home in Arabia
-       We nibble the labia
-Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
-%
-Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
-       "This nautch is delicious,
-        And without doubt nutritious.
-She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
-%
-Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
-"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
-       I replied with some wit,
-       "Do you belch when you shit?"
-I think that was one up for me.
-%
-Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
-"This must be our final adieu,
-       For the vicar is slicker,
-       And thicker, and quicker,
-And two inches longer than you."
-%
-Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host :
-       The Father and Son,
-       And then - just for fun -
-The hole in the Holy Ghost.
-%

 Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
 immensely profitable years in the construction business.
        "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
 Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
 immensely profitable years in the construction business.
        "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have


@@ -11719,12 +10644,6 @@ Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
 %
 Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
 %
 %
 Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
 %

-Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
-"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
-       To a muffer's delight,
-       I'll take head on a flight,
-So the guy can have pie in the sky."
-%

 schnuffel, n.:
        A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
        company.
 schnuffel, n.:
        A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
        company.


@@ -11793,7 +10712,7 @@ a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
 her what that means.
        "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
        "Yeah..."
 her what that means.
        "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
        "Yeah..."

-       "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
+       "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbuttom her blouse."

        "Yeah..."
        "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
 then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
        "Yeah..."
        "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
 then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."


@@ -11868,7 +10787,7 @@ You can do each while thinking about the other.
 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
                -- Sophia Loren
 %
 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
                -- Sophia Loren
 %

-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
+Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.

 %
 Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
 %
 %
 Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
 %


@@ -11943,12 +10862,6 @@ I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
 She asked me if I loved her still.
 "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
 %
 She asked me if I loved her still.
 "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
 %

-She begged and she pleaded for more.
-I said, "We've already had four,
-       And I'm sure that you've heard,
-       Though it's somewhat absurd,
-That eros spelt backwards is sore."
-%

 She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
                -- Dorothy Parker
 %
 She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
                -- Dorothy Parker
 %


@@ -11957,29 +10870,11 @@ candidates for president.
                -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
                   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
 %
                -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
                   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
 %

-She made a thing of soft leather,
-And topped off the end with a feather.
-       When she poked it inside her
-       She took off like a glider,
-And gave up her lover forever.
-%

 She never liked zippers, she said,
 Until she opened one in bed.
 %
 She never liked zippers, she said,
 Until she opened one in bed.
 %

-She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang : goodness knows
-       I am surely impure
-       And I sizzled to scrure,
-But the push had gone out of my hose.
-%

 She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
 %
 She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
 %

-She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
-When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
-       Now she's lying in the grass,
-       With the muffler up her ass,
-And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
-%

 She was only:
        a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
        a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
 She was only:
        a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
        a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.


@@ -11989,12 +10884,6 @@ She was only:
        a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
        a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
 %
        a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
        a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
 %

-She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
-Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
-       But she knew, just before
-       She opened the door,
-This same Mr. had kr. sr.
-%

 She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
 Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
 unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
 She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
 Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
 unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back


@@ -12004,12 +10893,6 @@ her on the top step.
        "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
 second time I thought we'd become good friends."
 %
        "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
 second time I thought we'd become good friends."
 %

-She wasn't what one could call pretty
-And other girls offered her pity,
-       So nobody guessed
-       That her Wasserman test
-Involved half the men in the city.
-%

 She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
 %
 She's looking for:     He's looking for:       Foreplay:
 She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
 %
 She's looking for:     He's looking for:       Foreplay:


@@ -12060,12 +10943,6 @@ to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
 isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
                -- The Joy of Sex
 %
 isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
                -- The Joy of Sex
 %

-Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
-"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
-       Plus the yen, but the men
-       Only call now and then--
-Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
-%

 Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
 %
 Sixteen'll get you twenty.
 Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
 %
 Sixteen'll get you twenty.


@@ -12083,12 +10960,6 @@ Snow White:
        "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
        but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
 %
        "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
        but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
 %

-"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
-"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
-       He pulled it on out,
-       But she started to pout,
-His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
-%

 So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
 Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
 Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
 So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
 Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
 Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,


@@ -12096,12 +10967,6 @@ Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
 And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
                -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
 %
 And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
                -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
 %

-So here was this fellow of Strensall
-Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
-       Anemic, 'tis true,
-       But an interesting screw,
-Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
-%

 So, how's your love life?
 Still holding your own?
 %
 So, how's your love life?
 Still holding your own?
 %


@@ -12233,7 +11098,7 @@ Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
 Something better...
 
 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
 Something better...
 
 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?

-14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
+14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to

        perch on.
 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
        perch on.
 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.


@@ -12345,7 +11210,7 @@ And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
                -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
 %
 Taoism: Shit Happens.
                -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
 %
 Taoism: Shit Happens.

-Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
+Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".

 Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
 Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
 Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
 Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
 Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
 Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.


@@ -12402,26 +11267,8 @@ Test makers do it:
 TEXAN:
        A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
 %
 TEXAN:
        A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
 %

-Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
-She obliges all who accost her.
-       She welcomes the prick
-       Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
-Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
-%

 That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
 %
 That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
 %

-That Harvard don down at El Djim --
-Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
-       With the whole harem randy,
-       The sheik himself handy,
-To muss up a young camel's quim.
-%
-That naughty old Sappho of Greece
-Said: "What I prefer to a piece
-       Is to have my pudenda
-       Rubbed hard by the enda
-The little pink nose of my niece."
-%

 That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
 pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
 he got back, he was a husky fucker.
 That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
 pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
 he got back, he was a husky fucker.


@@ -12431,12 +11278,6 @@ of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
 began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
 nine.  Candles out at ten."
 %
 began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
 nine.  Candles out at ten."
 %

-The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
-Do an act in the nude on their knees.
-       They crawl down the aisle
-       While screwing dog-style,
-As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
-%

 The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
 home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
 when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
 The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
 home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
 when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-


@@ -12448,19 +11289,6 @@ my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
 and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
 me catch you wearing my things again."
 %
 and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
 me catch you wearing my things again."
 %

-The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
-Fell into the water baptismal;
-       Ere they'd gathered its plight,
-       It had sunk out of sight,
-For the depth of the font was abysmal.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
-They have kept me awake for a week.
-       Why do newlyweds
-       Select squeaky beds
-To develop their fucking technique?
-%

 The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
 %
 The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
 The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
 %
 The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.


@@ -12471,12 +11299,6 @@ The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
 sex for money usually costs a lot less.
                -- Brendan Francis
 %
 sex for money usually costs a lot less.
                -- Brendan Francis
 %

-The bishop of Alexandretta
-Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
-       So he thought he'd enshrine her
-       As the Holy Vagina
-In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
-%

 The blacksmith told me before he died,
 And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
 That no matter how he tried,
 The blacksmith told me before he died,
 And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
 That no matter how he tried,


@@ -12531,12 +11353,6 @@ over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
        "Yeh."
        "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
 %
        "Yeh."
        "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
 %

-The bustard's a remarkable fowl
-With surely no reason to growl
-       He escapes what would be
-       Illegitimacy
-By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
-%

 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
 %
 The computer is the ultimate polluter:
 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
 %
 The computer is the ultimate polluter:


@@ -12545,12 +11361,6 @@ Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
 The country girl who became a city madam
 has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
 %
 The country girl who became a city madam
 has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
 %

-The cruelest of creatures' the crab
-With claws that can pinch you or stab,
-       And then when you dine
-       On crab and white wine
-It gets you as well with the tab.
-%

 The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
 the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
 %
 The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
 the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
 %


@@ -12571,47 +11381,15 @@ is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
 The difference between women and girls
 is as much as twenty years in some states.
 %
 The difference between women and girls
 is as much as twenty years in some states.
 %

-The Dowager Duchess of Spout
-Collapsed at the height of a rout;
-       She found strength to say
-       As they bore her away:
-"I should never have taken the trout."
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 The early worm gets the bird.
 %
 The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
 text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
 %
 The early worm gets the bird.
 %
 The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
 text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
 %

-The Enterprise crew when off work
-Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
-       Uhura the Zulu
-       Is shcked up with Sulu,
-And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
-%
-The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
-Have chased Spock for several years.
-       His look of disdain
-       Has spared them great pain,
-For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
-%

 The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
                -- New Libertarian Notes, #19
 %
 The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
                -- New Libertarian Notes, #19
 %

-The fearless old bishop of Brest
-Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
-       He fucked whores in the apse
-       With chancres and claps,
-But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
-%
-The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
-Came to light with its face in its belly;
-       Her second was born
-       With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
 the bedroom.
                -- Richard Lewis
 The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
 the bedroom.
                -- Richard Lewis


@@ -12639,12 +11417,6 @@ The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
 %
 The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
 %
 %
 The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
 %

-The genital area of Ann
-Will accommodate any size man,
-       From the wee that cause titters
-       To the mighty twat-splitters
-That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
-%

 The girls that go to see a man's etchings
 may not know art, but they know what they like.
 %
 The girls that go to see a man's etchings
 may not know art, but they know what they like.
 %


@@ -12690,12 +11462,6 @@ The greatest lies of all time:
         (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
        (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
 %
         (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
        (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
 %

-The Grecians were famed for fine art,
-And buildings and stonework so smart.
-       They distinguished with poise
-       The men from the boys,
-And used crowbars to keep them apart.
-%

 The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
 
 -- The morning after note reads:
 The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
 
 -- The morning after note reads:


@@ -12775,24 +11541,6 @@ entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
 honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
 And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
 %
 honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
 And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
 %

-The King named Oedipus Rex
-Who started this fuss about sex
-       Put the world to great pains
-       By the spots and the stains
-Which he made on his mother's pubex.
-%
-The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
-To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
-       And cried, "Oh, my dear,
-       I am coming, I fear,
-But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
-%
-The kings of Peru were the Incas,
-Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
-       They worshipped the sun
-       And had lots of fun,
-But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
-%

 The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
 is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
 town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
 The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
 is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
 town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100


@@ -12905,14 +11653,8 @@ adopted children.
 %
 The moving finger having writ... gestures.
 %
 %
 The moving finger having writ... gestures.
 %

-The moyel who treated young Alec
-Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
-       Presented the child
-       His aim was so wild
-He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
-%

 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on

-their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
+their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

        "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
 the dinner table."
        Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
        "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
 the dinner table."
        Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair


@@ -12922,18 +11664,6 @@ hint of a smile.
        "Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
 be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
 %
        "Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
 be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
 %

-The new cinematic emporium
-Is not just a super-sensorium,
-       But a highly effectual
-       Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
-       But a highly effectual
-       Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%

 The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
 hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
 replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
 The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
 hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
 replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water


@@ -12978,36 +11708,6 @@ dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
        "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
 from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
 %
        "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
 from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
 %

-The nipples of Sarah Sarong
-When excited are twelve inches long
-       This embarassed her lover 
-       Who was pained to discover
-She expected no less of his dong
-%
-The notorious Duchess of Peels
-Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
-       Said she, "Would you mind? --
-       Shove one up my behind.
-I am anxious to know how it feels."
-%
-The office brown-noser named Bunky
-Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
-       But when the chips were all down,
-       His proboscis was brown,
-And there hung many strands which were gunky.
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
-       He knew from its bend
-       And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-The once was a man from Bombay
-Who modeled his cunts out of clay
-       So hot was his prick
-       That he turned them to brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%

 The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
 that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
 %
 The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
 that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
 %


@@ -13029,7 +11729,7 @@ lamp-post.
 %
 The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
 bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
 %
 The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
 bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

-               -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
+               -- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor

 %
 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
 her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
 %
 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
 her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.


@@ -13056,16 +11756,9 @@ The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
        "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
 "What IS your name?"
 %
        "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
 "What IS your name?"
 %

-The partition of Vavasour Scowles
-Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
-       In a firkin; his brain
-       Was found clogging a drain,
-And his toes were inside of some towels.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 The penis mightier than the sword.
 %
 The penis mightier than the sword.
 %

-the perfect worman:
+the perfect woman:

        Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
        your drink.
 
        Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
        your drink.
 


@@ -13110,12 +11803,6 @@ of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
        "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
        "Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
 %
        "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
        "Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
 %

-The prick of the engineer, Scott,
-Fell off from Saturnian rot.
-       He went to the basement
-       And made a replacement
-Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
-%

 The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
 one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
 He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
 The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
 one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
 He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he


@@ -13125,7 +11812,7 @@ as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
 singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
        Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
 wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
 singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
        Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
 wanted to go downtown for a blow job."

-       The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
+       The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do

 that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
        When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
 Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
 that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
        When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
 Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,


@@ -13146,12 +11833,6 @@ The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
 The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
 length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
 %
 The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
 length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
 %

-The randy old Bey of Algiers
-Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
-       Tried a cunt for a change,
-       And remarked : "It felt strange ...
-Just think what I've missed all these years!"
-%

 The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
 to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
 %
 The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
 to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
 %


@@ -13165,19 +11846,6 @@ rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
 %
 The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
 %
 %
 The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
 %

-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a girl a most elegant creature.
-       So she laid on her back
-       And, exposing her crack,
-Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
-       The hen, pleased with that,
-       Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-               -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%

 The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
 %
 The rich man uses vaseline,
 The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
 %
 The rich man uses vaseline,


@@ -13217,12 +11885,6 @@ her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
 toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
                -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
 %
 toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
                -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
 %

-The Shah of the Empire of Persia
-Lay for days in a sexual merger.
-       When the nautch asked the Shah,
-       "Won't you ever withdraw?"
-He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
-%

 The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
 doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
 the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
 The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
 doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
 the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing


@@ -13236,43 +11898,12 @@ was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
 dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's 
 just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
 %
 dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's 
 just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
 %

-The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
-At breakfast with horrid dismay,
-       So he launched off the spoons
-       The pits from his prunes
-At their heads as they neared the buffet.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%
-The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
-Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
-       That when posed on her toes
-       She elaborately shows
-Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
-%
-The spouse of a pretty young thing
-Came home from the wars in the spring.
-       He was lame but he came
-       With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wondeful thing.
-%
-The star of that X-rated hit
-Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
-       This serves as a palace
-       For each turgid phallus--
-Some say that the plot is pure shit.
-%

 The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
 %
 The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
 like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
                -- Lord Halifax
 %
 The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
 %
 The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
 like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
                -- Lord Halifax
 %

-The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
-And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
-       He caught a big mouse
-       Which he loosed in the house.
-(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
-%

 The sun was shining brightly           The breeze was blowing briskly,
 And I could hardly wait,               It made the flowers sway,
 To ponder at my window                 The garden was enchanting
 The sun was shining brightly           The breeze was blowing briskly,
 And I could hardly wait,               It made the flowers sway,
 To ponder at my window                 The garden was enchanting


@@ -13284,23 +11915,11 @@ I beckoned him to come and light      And then I closed the window
 Upon my window sill.                   And smashed his fucking head.
                -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
 %
 Upon my window sill.                   And smashed his fucking head.
                -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
 %

-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
-       "For the semen must no
-       Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
-       "For the semen must not
-       Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
+The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.

 %
 The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
 %
 %
 The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
 %

-The three sexual positions during preganancy.
+The three sexual positions during pregnancy.

 
 During the first four months:  Missionary style
 During the second four months: Doggie style
 
 During the first four months:  Missionary style
 During the second four months: Doggie style


@@ -13346,7 +11965,7 @@ The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
 The two things that you should never lend out are your car
 or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
 %
 The two things that you should never lend out are your car
 or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
 %

-The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
+The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really

 like going to church.
 %
 The Utah version of this joke goes:
 like going to church.
 %
 The Utah version of this joke goes:


@@ -13356,7 +11975,7 @@ that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
        The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
 in the lobby!!"
        The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The
        The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
 in the lobby!!"
        The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The

-prophecies are fullfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"
+prophecies are fulfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"

        The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
 black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
 %
        The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
 black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
 %


@@ -13392,18 +12011,6 @@ The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
 absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
                -- Havelock Ellis
 %
 absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
                -- Havelock Ellis
 %

-The wife of young Richard of Limerick
-Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
-       Still grows in diameter
-       Each time that you ram at her;
-How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
-%
-The woman who lives on the moon
-Is still cherishing the balloon
-       Of an earthling who'd come
-       And given her some,
-But had dribbled away all too soon.
-%

 The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
 deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
                -- Balzac
 The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
 deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
                -- Balzac


@@ -13413,43 +12020,13 @@ almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
 attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in
 silly puns about "standing erect".
 %
 attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in
 silly puns about "standing erect".
 %

-The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
-Is not merely reading a meter.
-       By orders of Kirk
-       A part of his work
-Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
-%

 The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
 %
 The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
 %

-The world is so full of a number of things,
-I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
-       I'll tell you a story--
-       It won't take me long--
-Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
-
-There was an old fellow and what do you think?
-He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
-       He whacked it, he hacked it,
-       He ate it with glee-
-Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
-
-This charming old chap had a sister as well :
-She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
-       Her cunt was so dirty
-       It stank like a beast,
-And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-
-What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
-I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
-       Their odor and diet
-       Won't soon be forgotton,
-And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
-%

 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
 first visit home since starting college.
        "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
 last weekend."
 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
 first visit home since starting college.
        "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
 last weekend."

-       "I'm not suprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
+       "I'm not surprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner

 or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
        "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
 guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
 or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
        "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
 guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."


@@ -13521,12 +12098,6 @@ There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
 are having to take turns.
                -- T.K.
 %
 are having to take turns.
                -- T.K.
 %

-There are some things we mustn't expose,
-So we hide them away in our clothes.
-       Oh, it's shocking to stare
-       At what's certainly there--
-But why this is so, heaven knows.
-%

 There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
 president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
 competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
 There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
 president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
 competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little


@@ -13559,18 +12130,6 @@ woman's breasts.  One is not enough and three are too many.
 There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
 the pervertible.  The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
 %
 There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
 the pervertible.  The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
 %

-There is a young faggot named Mose
-Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
-       And you'll double the joy
-       Of this lecherous boy
-If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
-%
-There is a young lady named Aird,
-Whose bottom is always kept bared.
-       When asked why she pouts,
-       She says "The Boy Scouts,
-All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
-%

 There is nothing as overrated as a bad
 lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
 %
 There is nothing as overrated as a bad
 lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
 %


@@ -13608,7 +12167,7 @@ front page before discarding it?"
 be on the front page."
                -- Attributed to FDR.
 %
 be on the front page."
                -- Attributed to FDR.
 %

-There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
+There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the

 driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
        He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
        And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
 driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
        He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
        And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty


@@ -13762,7 +12321,7 @@ desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
 one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he 
 decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 
 and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 
 one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he 
 decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 
 and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 

-steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
+steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.

        "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
        From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
 the shit hit the fan?"
        "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
        From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
 the shit hit the fan?"


@@ -13863,7 +12422,7 @@ During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
 prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
 prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
 Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
 prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
 prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
 Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening

-weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to
+weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to

 bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
 news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
 of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month 
 bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
 news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
 of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month 


@@ -13985,7 +12544,7 @@ Today is gonna be one helluva week!
 Todays title:
        Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
 %
 Todays title:
        Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
 %

-Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
+Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.

                -- An American astronaut
 %
 tourist, n:
                -- An American astronaut
 %
 tourist, n:


@@ -14222,13 +12781,6 @@ good for a man's virility?"
        "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
 dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
 %
        "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
 dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
 %

-Un moine au milieu de la messe         A monk in the middle of mass
-S'eleva et cria en detresse;           Stood up and cried out in distress;
-       "La vie religieuse,                     "The religious life
-       C'est sale et affreuse,"                Is dirty and horrid,"
-Et se poignarda dans les fesses.       And stabbed himself in the ass.
-               -- Edward Gorey
-%

 Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
 bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
 %
 Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
 bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
 %


@@ -14324,7 +12876,7 @@ expect it.
 User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
 Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
 upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
 User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
 Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
 upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte

-sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
+sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should

 be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
 looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
 well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
 be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
 looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
 well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files


@@ -14500,48 +13052,6 @@ The bigger the better!
 The tighter the sweater!
 And the boys will think more of us!
 %
 The tighter the sweater!
 And the boys will think more of us!
 %

-We sailed on the good ship Venus,
-My God, you should have seen us
-       With a figurehead
-       Of a whore in bed
-And the mast an upright penis
-
-The captain of the lugger
-Was known as a filthy bugger
-       Declared unfit
-       To shovel shit
-From one ship to another
-
-The first mate's name was Cooper,
-By god he was a trooper
-       He jerked and jerked
-       Until he worked
-Himself into a stupor
-
-The cabin boy was chipper,
-A dandy little nipper
-       He shoved cracked glass
-       Inside his ass
-And circumcised the skipper
-
-The captain's wife was Charlotte,
-Born and bred a harlot
-       Her thighs at night
-       Were lily white
-By morning they were scarlet
-
-The captain's youngest daughter
-Slipped into the water
-       Her plaintive squeals
-       Announced that eels
-Had found her sexual quarter
-
-The ship's dog's name was Rover,
-They turned the poor beast over
-       And ground and ground
-       That faithful hound
-From Tenerief to Dover
-%

 We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
                -- Groucho Marx
 %
 We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
                -- Groucho Marx
 %


@@ -14620,12 +13130,6 @@ about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
 spend a little time with myself.
                -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
 %
 spend a little time with myself.
                -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
 %

-Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
-By all of the lads in his class
-       He said, with a yawn,
-       "Now the novelty's gone
-And it's only a pain in the ass."
-%

 Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
                -- Martha Mitchell
 %
 Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
                -- Martha Mitchell
 %


@@ -14662,12 +13166,6 @@ I think I got it some more!
 Got a bad scratch fever...
                -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
 %
 Got a bad scratch fever...
                -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
 %

-"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
-"And told my wife to try it on top.
-       She bounced for an hour,
-       Till she ran out of power,
-And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
-%

 Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
 They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
 They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
 Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
 They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
 They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,


@@ -14749,7 +13247,7 @@ a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
 Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile
 and not very much of a bird.
                -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
 Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile
 and not very much of a bird.
                -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a

-                  zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
+                  zoologist who has studied the Archaeopteryx and found it

                   "very much like people".
 %
 Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
                   "very much like people".
 %
 Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and


@@ -14813,7 +13311,7 @@ What the fuck, over?
 %
 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
 %
 %
 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
 %

-What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
+What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.

 %
 What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
 Our Standardized Model should please even you,
 %
 What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
 Our Standardized Model should please even you,


@@ -14854,7 +13352,7 @@ Doo-doo, doo-doo.
                -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
 %
 What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
                -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
 %
 What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

-Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
+No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.

 %
 When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
 %
 %
 When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
 %


@@ -15084,7 +13582,7 @@ And crushed his fucking skull.
                -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
 %
 While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
                -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
 %
 While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it

-might be a good idea to write his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
+might be a good idea to write to his girl.  He had brought no stationery with

 him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
 only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
 girl with languorous eyes.
 him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
 only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
 girl with languorous eyes.


@@ -15114,9 +13612,6 @@ Why I am an atheist:
 4. We should all strive to be like God.
 5. We should all be atheists.
 %
 4. We should all strive to be like God.
 5. We should all be atheists.
 %

-Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-               -- G. Gordon Liddy
-%

 Why is it that there are so many more
 horses' asses than there are horses?
                -- G. Gordon Liddy
 Why is it that there are so many more
 horses' asses than there are horses?
                -- G. Gordon Liddy


@@ -15203,7 +13698,7 @@ Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
 %
 Writers do it between periods.
 %
 %
 Writers do it between periods.
 %

-"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
+"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I

 realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
 %
 Yesterday is a memory,
 realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
 %
 Yesterday is a memory,


@@ -15307,7 +13802,7 @@ But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
 
 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
        You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
 
 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
        You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.

-My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
+My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought of food

 out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
 both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
 
 out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
 both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
 


@@ -15332,3 +13827,7 @@ To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
                -- John Valby
 %
 Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
                -- John Valby
 %

+A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
+of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
+               -- Adolf Hitler
+%