%
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
- nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+ nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
to psychological problems.
-5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
+5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
-8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles.
+8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be
staggering illegally.
-9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are
+ more sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
%
The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
%
... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
%
- 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
+ ___
+ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
- 7
+ 7
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
The programmer agreed to this.
- Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
+ Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
+right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
And He went away.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
-- Captain Freedom
%
Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
-A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
+A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
All Gods were immortal.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
Antonio Antonio
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
-Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
+Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
In a bowery shade,
Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
-I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
+I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
You singular fish
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
-In the Antartical Zonio.
+in the Antarctical Zonio.
%
ANTONYM:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
"The test or the room?"
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
-Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
+Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
why?"
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
%
[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
%
-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
-I go the way that Providence dictates.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
in his veins.
-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
%
-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-- graffito in Los Angeles
-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
%
-Iam
+I
+am
not
very
happy
enlightenment
%
IBM:
- [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
+ [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
-camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
+camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe
%
-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
-just couldn't help myself.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-- Alan Parsons Project
%
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
then this sentence would not be false.
%
-If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
-- Frank Zappa
%
-- Michelet
%
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
-read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
+read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
-- Don Marquis
%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
- -- Jeff Raskin
-%
-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
-It would mean political ruin.
- -- Adolf Hitler
+ -- Jef Raskin
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%
-In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
-the proper order then why can't he?
-
-
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
- -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
+ -- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks
%
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%
-Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
+Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-- B. Baruch
%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
- [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
- a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
+ [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for
+ a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
-
-Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
- puzzle in only 6 months?
-A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
%
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
%
-Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%
%
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
- -- Malcolm DacDougall
+ -- Malcolm MacDougall
%
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
%
Such a fine first dream!
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-- Wayne Oakes
%
-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
%
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes
%
-The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
-Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
-And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
- It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
+The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn,
+Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn,
+And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone,
+ It's just, just one of those, one of those days,
+ Just one of those, one of those days
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
%
The bank sent our statement this morning,
%
The British are coming! The British are coming!
%
-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
-fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
-- H.L. Mencken
%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- -- Ehrlich
-%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Paul Erlich
%
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
%
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
-to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
+to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
-The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
+The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
%
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
-never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
%
%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
-The very first essential for success is a perpetually
-constant and regular employment of violence.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
It's called the Birch John Society.
%
-There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%
-Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
-be maintained.
- -- The Tao of Programming
-%
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-- Jack Kerouac
%
-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
%
-- Daniel B. Luten
%
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When you live in a sick society,
just about everything you do is wrong.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
- -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
+ -- Alan Shepard, the first American in space
%
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
kissed her cow.
%
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
%
-Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
-stuff....
- -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
- testimony, 1947
-%
Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
-- George Carlin
%
by Miss Fortune
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
- Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
+ Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
and you will live all the days of your life.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
%
-You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+Your reasoning is excellent -- it's
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
+Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason
+so few engage in it.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our
+banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would
+be a revolution before tomorrow morning.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to
+keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he
+can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my
+emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff