(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
-1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+1.80 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!
%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
+ -- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga Inc.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
wish you weren't.
%
Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
- -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
+ -- Daffy Duck, "Ali Baba Bunny", [1957, Chuck Jones]
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
-signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
+signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
-creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
+creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
Demand the establishment of the government
in its rightful home at Disneyland.
%
-Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
+Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.
-To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
+To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
-God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
+God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
-- Mark Twain
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
-mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
+mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
-Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
+Weil es uns duenkt, er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he's dead.
-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue
object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
-a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+a replacement. The employee, who has never in his life even seen the
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
Holes and the Fate of Stars"
%
I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
-questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
+questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining.
- -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
+ -- Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%
-In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
+In West Union, Ohio, no married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
%
Incumbent, n.:
%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets.
- -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
+ -- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
%
Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
-Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
+Man 1: Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good
joke is.
Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
information you need is in the others.
-- Ray Simard
%
-Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
-never hope to acquire it.
+ever hope to acquire it.
%
Menu, n.:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%
-Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+Quidquid latine dictum est, altum videtur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.
%
-Stupid, n.:
+Stupid, adj.:
Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
-respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
-from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
-milestones are lifted.
+respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
+from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
+millstones are lifted.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
the Russians.
-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
- The STAR WARS Song
+ "Yoda", by "Weird Al" Yankovic;
Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
%
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%
-This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
+This fortune cookie program is out of order. For those in desperate need,
please use the program "________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
In a way, the next move is up to him.
-- R. A. Lafferty
%
-When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
- -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
+When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
But you're not all there.
%
+You are not illiterate.
+ -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
+%
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
%
"It's not very common in Crowthorne"
+%
+ 1) Don't expect fairings.
+ 2) If confused read #1.
+%
+Cheer up. You could have all the problems you have now, and then also
+be named Eustace Clarence Scrubb.
+%
+Never leave a macassar and an antimacassar in the same room together.
+%
+Why did the furry install Unix? Because it supports catman(8).
+%
+Many people don't realize that trailhead doggerel is illegal -- but
+surely you've heard of "hike rhymes and misdemeanors"...
+%
+We all know political bumper stickers and some of us even put them on
+our cars. However, if you show up at headquarters on Friday afternoon
+after a long campaign week, you're more likely to see a stumper
+bicker.
+%
+When you're under siege by a winter storm, that's a "frontal assault".
+%
+Somebody has mail.
+%
+'Agnosis' is when you don't know. 'Diagnosis' is when you don't know
+twice.
+%
+An assortment of ways to be assimilated is a "smorgasborg".
+%
+The Navy's forever doomed to be inefficient because it's always trying
+to do things in a sub-optimal manner.
+%
+Q. What do you do if you find an abomination rooted in and need a
+druid in a hurry?
+A. Call the copse.
+%
+A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone.
+-- Jo Godwin
+%
+Give a man a 0day and he'll have access for a day, teach a man to phish
+and he'll have access for life.
+-- the grugq
+%
+Information wants to be free and also extremely difficult to use.
+-- An ancient open source proverb
+%
+I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
+-- Mitch Hedberg
+%
+You, the Poles, have a funny nature. When the people going along the
+road are attacked by a dog with its insistent and noisy barking, you
+immediately feel like jumping off the vehicle, standing on all fours
+and starting to bark back at it. We, in the Vilnius region, let the
+dog bark because that is what its canine nature is like but we do not
+stop out journey because of its canine barking and without any war
+against dogs we calmly continue our journey until we reach our
+destination. It seems that you care more about barking more than the
+dog does and about winning the war with any lousy puppy than about
+reaching the destination quickly.
+-- Jozef Pilsudski
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff