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Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
- nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+ nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
to psychological problems.
-5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
+5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
-8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles.
+8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be
staggering illegally.
-9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are
+ more sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
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The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
-- Captain Freedom
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Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
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All Gods were immortal.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
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All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
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Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
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Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
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[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
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-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
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I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-- H.L. Mencken
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-I go the way that Providence dictates.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
in his veins.
-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
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-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-- graffito in Los Angeles
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe
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-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
-just couldn't help myself.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-- Alan Parsons Project
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If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
then this sentence would not be false.
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-If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
-- Frank Zappa
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-- Michelet
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If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
-read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
+read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
-- Don Marquis
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If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
complaining.
-- Jef Raskin
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-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
-It would mean political ruin.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
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"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
- -- Malcolm DacDougall
+ -- Malcolm MacDougall
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Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
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Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
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-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
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Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
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Such a fine first dream!
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-- Wayne Oakes
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-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
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That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
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The British are coming! The British are coming!
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-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
-fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
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The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde
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The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
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-The very first essential for success is a perpetually
-constant and regular employment of violence.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
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The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
It's called the Birch John Society.
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-There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-- Jack Kerouac
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-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
- -- Adolf Hitler
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What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
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-- Daniel B. Luten
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When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
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When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
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When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
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When you live in a sick society,
just about everything you do is wrong.
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Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
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-Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
-stuff....
- -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
- testimony, 1947
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Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
-- George Carlin
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
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-You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+Your reasoning is excellent -- it's
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
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You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
-- Oscar Wilde
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