_--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
-############// |\^^/| \\############-
- _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
- ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
+ _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
+ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
-###############\\ (oo) //###############-
- -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
+ -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
-###################\\/ () \//###################-
_#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
|/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
-economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
BIOLOGY
And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
cold diskdrives hardware monitors
-user-hostile software
+user-hostile software
-of course they're only bits and bytes
-and characters and strings
+of course they're only bits and bytes
+and characters and strings
and files
just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
%
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
- nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+ nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
to psychological problems.
-5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
+5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
-8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles.
+8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be
staggering illegally.
-9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are
+ more sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
%
The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
-If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
+If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
-to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
-for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
+to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
+for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
-computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
-they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
+computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
+they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
%
... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
%
- 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
+ ___
+ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
- 7
+ 7
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
- A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
- The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
-itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
+itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
- The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
+ The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
long-distance caw.
A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
- A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another
+ A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
told, "that one is 150,000."
"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
-do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
The programmer agreed to this.
- Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
+ Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
completed," he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
+ A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
resigned on the spot.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
-is over for today.", he said.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
-"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
-said the master.
- "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
- "It is," came the reply.
- "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
- "It is even in a video game," said the master.
- "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
- The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
-over for today," he said.
+is over for today," he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A MODERN FABLE
%
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
%
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
-doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
+doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
-experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
+experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
%
A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
-Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
+Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
- A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
-to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
+ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
+to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
Feghoot!"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
and with great restraint.
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
- embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get
-stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system
-is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated
-mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
+to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished,
+and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
+that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
- "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
-p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
+p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
She's a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
- It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+ It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
charming a wife."
%
- Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
+ Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
-be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
+be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
energy policy and neither do you."
-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
-%
- For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
-replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
-alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
-formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
-so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
-well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
-anomali wonse and for all.
- Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
-Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
-modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
-Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
-'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
-riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
- Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
-lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%
"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
"of course you know what 'it' means."
little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
%
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
+dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
+right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
"How many people work here?"
"Oh, about half."
%
- How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
-repeat the sequence.
+repeat the sequence.
You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
And He went away.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
(chorus):
- Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
+ Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
(chorus):
Fishy!
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
-not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
+not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
-in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
+in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
-there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
+there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
-person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
+person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983
in kindergarten"
%
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
-do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
+do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-- Spike Milligan
%
- Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
+ Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
+Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
%
Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
- "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
-"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
-born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
-program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
-stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
+ "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
+"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
+born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
+program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
+stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
-times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
-*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
-program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
-the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
+times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
+*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
+program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
+the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
-hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
+hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
%
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
-- Captain Freedom
%
Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
%
- Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
-through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
+ Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
+through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
-accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
+accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
- "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
+ "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
every copy.
-%
- So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
-a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
-the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
-lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
-and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
-when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
-sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
-right straight toward us.
- Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
-were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
-We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
-a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
-calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
-a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
-the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
-had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
-and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
-until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
-say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive
-African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have
-to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam
-k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest
-in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach
-front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be
-interested in."
- So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes
-color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding
-one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever.
-But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls
-of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some
-people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others,
-such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing
-the wildebeest naked.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
- The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
%
- The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
in the data center."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
-emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
+ The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
+emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
have a quarter?"
The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
- The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
+ The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
right! Can I have a dollar?"
%
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
they're carrying upstairs!"
%
There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
-three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
+three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
-solution to the kissing problem; his dessiccated corpse was propped calmly
+solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
attack shark at which point we relented.
-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
- "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
-and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
-trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
-in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
-predatory.
- The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
-at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
+ "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
+predatory.
+ The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
+at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-- William Burroughs
%
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-- Wayfarer
%
- "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
-blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
+ "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
+blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
"You keep it to yourself."
-- Broadcast News
%
- "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
"You say there are two types of people?"
- "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
+ "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
don't."
"Wrong. There are three groups:
Those who separate people into three groups.
Those who don't separate people into groups.
Those who can't decide."
- "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
+ "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
two groups?"
"Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
***
*******
*********
- ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
+ ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
*******
***
%
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
-updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
+updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
-Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
+Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
-* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
+* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
CAR and CDR now return extra values.
-The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
-to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
-well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
+The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
+to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
+well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
-object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
+object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
+The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
-(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
+(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
-collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
-than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
+collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
+than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
-in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
+in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
%
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
-offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
+offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
-it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
+it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
-... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
-can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
-seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
-world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
-ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
-you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
-would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
- -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
of small, green bryophytic plant.
--- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
- escallation of a lucrative nature.
+ escalation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
remain innocuous.
%
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
-It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
+It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
-sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
-we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
-"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
-wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
-IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
-about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
-forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
-rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
-succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
-in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
+sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
+we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
+"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
+wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
+IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
+about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
+forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
+rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
+succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
+in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
-of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
-IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
+of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
+IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
%
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
- -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
+ -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
-1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
+1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
-3/4 oz. tequilla
+3/4 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-- John Steinbeck
%
-A budget is just a method of worrying
+A budget is just a method of worrying
before you spend money, as well as afterward.
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
%
-A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
-had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
-various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
-invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
-and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
-asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
-between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
-string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
-was enlightened.
-
-From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
-string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
+A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
+had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
+various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
+invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
+and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
+asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
+between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
+string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
+was enlightened.
+
+From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
+string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.
%
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
-a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
+a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
- After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
+ After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
"There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
-6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
+6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
%
-- Joseph Campbell
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
-with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
+with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
A diplomat is a man who can convince his
wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
-A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
+A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
-- Samuel Clemens
%
to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
-Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
+Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
-them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
-
+
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
- I decide what to do. Physicist?
+ I decide what to do. Physicist?
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
%
to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
-A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
-to take it all away.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
A grammarian's life is always intense.
%
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
%
-A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
-of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
A holding company is a thing where you hand
an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
%
O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
-U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
%
A king's castle is his home.
%
-A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
+A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
words are superfluous.
%
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
-her aid.
+her aid.
Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
but to protect the writer.
-- Dean Acheson
%
-A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
+A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
-- Leibniz
%
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
+catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
-check."
+check."
Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
%
A place for everything and everything in its place.
-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to memory management system services.]
%
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
-A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
+A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
%
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
-incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
-assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
-and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
+incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
+assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
+and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
-- Blake
%
-A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
-sitting in the yard watching the pig.
- "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
+sitting in the yard watching the pig.
+ "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
"Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
-the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
+the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
"Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
- The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
+ The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
-A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
+A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
%
-A wise man can see more from the bottom
+A wise man can see more from the bottom
of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire
%
-"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
-let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
-there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
-completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
-beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
-It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
-near your person at all times."
- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
-%
A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
she follows.
-- Chamfort
%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
-she flies; fly from her, she follows.
- -- Chamfort
-%
-A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
-it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
- -- Nietzsche
-%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
-- Nietzsche
%
-A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
-and stupid.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
-little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
of a dying relative and miss the return train.
%
-abscond, v:
+abscond, v:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
- and miss the return train.
+ and miss the return train.
%
-Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
+Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
beat up their city anytime.
-- David Letterman
%
-According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
-America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
-Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
-beat up their city anytime.
- -- David Letterman
-%
ACCORDION:
A bagpipe with pleats.
%
%
Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
- reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
+ reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.
%
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
Gardenia: Secret, untold love
Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
-Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
+Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
Leaves (dead): Melancholy
Lilac: Youthful innocence
Lilly: Purity, sweetness
his own."
It was so granted.
%
-After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
-claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
+claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
-bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
+bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
-precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
+precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
Nobel Prize in 1923.
%
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
%
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
%
-Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
+Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for ?
-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
-Alden's Laws:
- (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
- of pregnancy.
- (2) Always be backlit.
- (3) Sit down whenever possible.
-%
Alden's Laws:
1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
of pregnancy.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
All Gods were immortal.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
-- Kingfish
%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
-makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
+makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
-Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
+Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
-- Jimmy Hoffa
%
Always store beer in a dark place.
end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
- There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
+ There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%
AMBIDEXTROUS:
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
-An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
+An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
%
-An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
-Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
-new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
- -- David Letterman
-%
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
-An efficient and a successful administration manifests
-itself equally in small as in great matters.
+An efficient and a successful administration manifests
+itself equally in small as in great matters.
-- W. Churchill
%
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
-he shouted out, "YOPP!"
+he shouted out, "YOPP!"
And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-- Charles Dickens
%
-And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
-sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
-and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
-face, we have politics.
- -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
- Ground Cover"
-%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
%
-Antonio Antonio
+Antonio Antonio
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
-Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
+Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
In a bowery shade,
Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
-I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
+I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
You singular fish
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
-In the Antartical Zonio.
+in the Antarctical Zonio.
%
ANTONYM:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
- -- R. Heinlein
+ -- R. Heinlein
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't believe you.
How many times have I told you to be careful?
- Just beacuse.
+ Just because.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Are you sure the back door is locked?
%
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
-"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
-%
-"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
-- Monty Python
%
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
-jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
+jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
-- Dave Barry
%
-As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I
-thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
-This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
- -- M. Cartmill
-%
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
-- Frederic Reynolds
%
-As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
+As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
-suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
-- Steve Allen
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
-As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
-schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
+As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
+schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
-Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
+Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
never really caught on.
%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
-and it was always snowing.
-%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
%
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
- is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
+ is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
%
Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
%
Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
-is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
+is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
basket!"
-- Mark Twain
%
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
- -- unamed Justice Department official
+ -- unnamed Justice Department official
%
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
%
"The test or the room?"
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
-Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
+Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
why?"
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
%
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
-is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
+is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
%
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
-to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
-were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
-unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
+to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
+were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
+unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
%
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
%
-But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
-frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
+But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
+frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
-- M. Proust
%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
-everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
+everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
-Your winter garment of repentence fling.
+Your winter garment of repentance fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
-- Dan Klein
%
-COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
+COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-- J.N. Gray
%
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
interested in reading them.
%
Coronation, n:
- The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
+ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Corry's Law:
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%
-Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
-at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
-the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
+Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
+at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
+the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
%
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
much work has already been done on it.
%
-Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME!
+Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
%
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
%
(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
- (cond
+ (cond
((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
(lessp challenging 7)) () )
%
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
-
+
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to I/O system services.]
%
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
-overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
+overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
%
"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
- -- Calvin and Hobbs
+ -- Calvin and Hobbes
%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
-Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
-Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
-%
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
-- Golda Meir
%
-Don't be humble, you're not that great.
- -- Golda Meir
-%
-Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
-be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
-%
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
%
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
%
-Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
+Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
-- Voltaire
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
%
Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
-jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
+jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
brush after them.
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
fate and captain of your soul.
%
-Due to circumstances beyond your control,
-you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
-%
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
%
During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
-Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
+Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
%
-Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
%
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
-The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
+The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
%
-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
- -- Adolph Hitler
-%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
%
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
-a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
-is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
+is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
- -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
+ -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
of their movement.
%
straight lines.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
-Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
-obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
-solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There
-are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
-straight lines.
- -- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
Everything's great in this good old world;
(This is the stuff they can always use.)
God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
- -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
+ -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
-Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents
-moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
%
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
neat idea.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
stressful than divorce.
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to system overview.]
-
+
%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
This gives me great hope for the human race.
8 oz. shredded suet
2 small onions
1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
-
+
Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
-claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
+claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
-
+
Making friends:
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving:
-
+
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
- which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
+ which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
you twitter around in your chair.
-6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
+6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
- A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
+ A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
rather than a spotted one.
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
- while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
+ while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
legume-part of the pea family.
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
%
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
- having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
+ having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
%
-From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
+From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
That is the point that must be reached.
-- F. Kafka
%
even when you are the only person in line.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
- -- H. H. Williams
-%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H.H. Williams
%
%
Get GUMMed
----------
-
+
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
- -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
+ -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
of the American Bar Association
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-Corrollary:
+Corollary:
Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
that everything he encounters needs pounding.
%
-Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
+Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
%
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
-Good night to spend with family,
-but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
-%
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
-- R.E. Schenk
%
Goodbye, cool world.
%
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
-tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
+tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
-Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
+Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
1-800-AUDITME
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.
-The Guru observes the net
+The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
%
gy-ro-scope:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
- free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
+ free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
%
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
- really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
-1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
+ really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
+1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
- just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
+ just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
-"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
+"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
%
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
-Hacker's Law:
- The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
- nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%
Hacker's Quicky #313:
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
-- Alfonso the Wise
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to operating system initialization.]
%
their own districts).
%
hand, n:
- A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
+ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
%
Handel's Proverb:
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
%
handshaking protocol, n:
- A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
+ A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
%
There are never enough hours in a day,
but always too many days before Saturday.
%
-Hanson's Treatment of Time:
- There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
- before Saturday.
-%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%
happiness, adv:
The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
- It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
+ It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
-- Dave Barry
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
-milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
+milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
HARVARD:
Quarterback:
Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
-a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
+a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
%
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
-and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
-not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
+not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
%
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
- -- John LeCarre
+ -- John LeCarre
%
He is considered a most graceful speaker
who can say nothing in the most words.
please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
%
-Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
-smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?
+Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
+you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
%
-Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
-Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
-Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
+Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he's dead.
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
-How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
+How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
-- A. Cooper
%
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
-replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
+replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
-licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
+licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
examined his claws.
"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
Don't take life too seriously;
you won't get out of it alive.
%
-Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
+Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
Oh wait...
I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
Never mind.
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
-- J. Garbers
%
-Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
-responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
+Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
+responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
immature.
-- Tom Robbins
%
output.
-- Norman Augustine
%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
+I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
-- Gallagher
%
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
-- John Hinckley
%
-I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs.
+I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
-how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
+how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
%
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
%
-I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
The curtain was up.
%
"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
-I go the way that Providence dictates.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
%
I had another dream the other day about government financial management
people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
-had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
+had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
%
I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
and just keeps on typing.
-- Stephen Wright
%
-I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
+I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran
%
-I have a simple philosophy:
+I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
to sit still in a room.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
-I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
%
establishment.
-- Alan Bennett
%
-I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
-in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
+I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
+in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
-- Thoreau
%
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
- publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
- editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
+ publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
+ editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
science of data processing), c. 1957
%
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
%
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
-irresistable.
+irresistible.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
%
I married beneath me. All women do.
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
%
-I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
-%
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
- -- Odgen Nash
+ -- Ogden Nash
-Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
+Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-- S. Wright
%
-I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
+I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
-- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
%
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
woman should marry -- and no man.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
%
-I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
+I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
-I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
+I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
in his veins.
-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
%
-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
- -- Adolph Hitler
-%
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-- graffito in Los Angeles
-- Monty Python
%
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
-"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products."
+"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
-- The Life of Brian
%
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
-- Emo Phillips
%
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
-the place.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
-- Steven Wright
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
%
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
-ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
+ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
permitted me to function effectively.
-- Albert Speer
%
-I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
-these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
+I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
+these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
%
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
-If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
+If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
It's the truth.
-- Charlie Chaplin
%
replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
-- Steven Wright
%
-"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
-know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
-be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
+"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
+know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
+be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
-- Bastian B. Bux
%
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to image activation and termination.]
%
%
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
and be above ground than reign among the dead.
- -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
+ -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
%
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
%
-Iam
+I
+am
not
very
happy
enlightenment
%
IBM:
- [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
+ [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
A blue whale in my soup...
Nor would I mind a porcupine
Inside a chicken coop.
-Yes life is fine when things combine,
+Yes life is fine when things combine,
Like ham in beef chow mein...
But lord, this time I think I mind,
They've put acid in my rain.
-- Roy Santoro
%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
-is a camel's behind.
+is a camel's behind.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
-that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- -- Rob Stampfli
-%
-If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
-to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Rob Stampfli
%
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
-Of this Government.
+Of this Government.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
-camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
+camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
-exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
+exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
-- George Winters
%
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
-have made them cute and furry.
+have made them cute and furry.
-- Dave Barry
%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-- Gauss
-Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
stand on each other's toes.
-- Richard Hamming
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe
%
-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
-just couldn't help myself.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-- Alan Parsons Project
%
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
-If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
-%
If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
%
If it heals good, say it.
-- Mary Wilson Little
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong
-answer, try multipying by the page number.
+answer, try multiplying by the page number.
%
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
-little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey
%
But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
His ions ferric,
Love could not help but die,
-Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
+Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
%
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
-- Robert Frost
%
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
-prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
+principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
feature, that.
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
%
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
then this sentence would not be false.
%
-If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
-- Frank Zappa
%
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
-in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
+in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
get my drift.
%
If you explain something so clearly that no
but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
or famous or both.
%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
-he'll get rich or famous or both.
-%
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
%
-- Groucho Marx
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
-- Michelet
%
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
-read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
+read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
-- Don Marquis
%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
-If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
+If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
why.
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
-so resolutely pursuing it.
+so resolutely pursuing it.
%
Ignore previous fortune.
%
%
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
-it with you.
+it with you.
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
- the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
+ the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.
-> In New York there are a million interesting people.
+> In New York there are a million interesting people.
> And in LA there are 72.
%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
-really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
+really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-- Carl Sagan
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
- -- Jeff Raskin
-%
-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
-It would mean political ruin.
- -- Adolf Hitler
+ -- Jef Raskin
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
-minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
%
-In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
+In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
%
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
said, "up to the mathematicians."
-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%
-In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
+In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
it into television shows.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
%
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
%
-In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
+In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
This is called Monotony.
%
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
-- Mark Twain
%
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
-murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
+murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
The cuckoo-clock.
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%
-In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
-the proper order then why can't he?
-
-
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
- -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
+ -- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks
%
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
-- Joseph Stalin
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
%
-In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
+In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
Have mate's phone bugged.
%
INCUMBENT:
- Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
+ Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
%
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
%
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
- Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
+ Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
or similar.
%
It happened long ago
In the new magic land
-The Indians and the buffalo
+The Indians and the buffalo
Existed hand in hand
The Indians needed food
They need skins for a roof
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
-Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
+Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
%
-It is all right to hold a conversation,
+It is all right to hold a conversation,
but you should let go of it now and then.
-- Richard Armour
%
holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to scheduling.]
%
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
-rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
+rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
%
yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
-statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
-to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
+to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
-a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
+a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
-officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
%
-It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
+It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-- Cheers
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
-- Mick Jagger
%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
-forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
+forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
package of snack food.
-Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
+Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
of lunch meat.
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
%
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
-Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
+Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
-- Stephen Wright
%
-Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
+Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
Let's do it.
-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
%
-Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
-%
Let's just be friends and make no special
effort to ever see each other again.
%
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
-I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ...
-Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
- -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
-%
-Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
-relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
-really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
-For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
The first piece of luggage out of the
chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
%
-L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
+L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
-- L. Pasteur
%
LIAR:
No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
will get better.
%
-Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
- we should think only about today.
-Charlie Brown:
- No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
- better.
-%
Linus' Law:
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
-- Frank Hubbard
%
-Lots of girls can be had for a song.
+Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
%
Louie Louie, me gotta go
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
%
-Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
-with the ideal never goes unpunished.
- -- Goethe
-%
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
-- Goethe
Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
-- P.J. Bailey
%
-Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
-to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
-- Baskins
%
-Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
-burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
+Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
+burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
-- Calvin Trillin
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
-- Albert Einstein
%
-Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
+Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
-- Russell
%
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
-a full mooon on a dark night,
+a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
%
May you live in uninteresting times.
these days you can certainly charge it.
%
May's Law:
- The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
+ The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
%
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
-in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
+in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
%
MEMO:
%
Most folks they like the daytime,
'cause they like to see the shining sun.
-They're up in the morning,
+They're up in the morning,
off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
My brain is my second favorite organ.
-- Woody Allen
%
-My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
+My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Steven Wright
%
I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
-It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
+It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
over.
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
-- Orson Welles
%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there
-are three other people.
- -- Orson Welles
-%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
- -- Simon and Garfunkle
+ -- Simon and Garfunkel
%
New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
%
Newlan's Truism:
- An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
+ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%
Newman's Discovery:
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
-Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
-The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
- -- Augustine
-%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much.
-- Sophocles
%
None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
-to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
-ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
-job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
-forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
-he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
+to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
+ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
+job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
+forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
+he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
- -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
+ -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
%
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
-- Rob Pike
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
-- Spinoza
%
-NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
+NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
%
Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
%
-Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the
-flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...
-Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part
-woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who
-is careful not to make any poultry jokes...
- -- Woody Allen
-%
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-- A.H. Weiler
%
-Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe
%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-- Charlie Brown
%
-Nothing takes the taste out of peanut
-butter quite like unrequited love.
- -- Charlie Brown
-%
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
We see him and he's all washed up --
Moving on into the body of a beetle
Getting ready for a long long crawl
-He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
+He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
Death and Money make their point once more
In the shape of Philosophical assassins
It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
%
-Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
+Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
Times, June 10, 1955.
%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%
-Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
+Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-- B. Baruch
%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
%
-On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
-%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
a purpose, but never without a POINT.
%
Three golden orbs stand watch;
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
-When that feared moment arives,
+When that feared moment arrives,
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."
-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
-- Homer
%
-Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
+Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
%
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
-a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
+a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession. And the moral of the story is:
-
+
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
%
Over many a broken and subordinate
Volume of gnarly lore,
While I pestered, nearly singing,
-Sudddenly there came a hewing,
+Suddenly there came a hewing,
As of someone profusely skulking,
Skulking at my chamber door.
%
nobody can touch him.
-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
%
-One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
+One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
mathematics.
-- N. Wiener
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
-- Baba Ram Dass
%
-Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
-placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
+Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
+placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
-food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
+food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
-and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
-modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
+and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
+modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
%
Order and simplification are the first steps toward
-mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
+mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
-- Thomas Mann
%
OREGON:
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
home-made, hand-held model.
-Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
+Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
to the Pentagon free of charge:
a. Don't kill anybody.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
-did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
+did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
to have been quite real.
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%
panic: can't find /
%
-panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
+panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
%
Paprika Measure:
%
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
election.
- -- Otto Von Bismarck
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
%
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
People who have no faults are terrible;
there is no way of taking advantage of them.
%
-People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
-what they want that they don't want it.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling
people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-- Ogden Nash
People who think they know everything
greatly annoy those of us who do.
%
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
-Franklin said it first.
-%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if
you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
%
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
-Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
+Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
ruthless in punishing little thieves.
-- Diogenes
%
So I piped: he wept to hear.
-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
%
-Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
+Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
-- Love and Rockets
-- Winston Churchill
%
Politics, like religion, hold up the
-torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
+torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
%
Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
%
-President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
- We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
-for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
-as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
+ We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
+as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
-take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n.
+take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
%
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
[3] This makes a total of six legs,
which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
-[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
prototype is not expected to work.
%
-Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
+Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%
Pryor's Observation:
- How long you live has nothing to do
+ How long you live has nothing to do
with how long you are going to be dead.
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
%
-Public use of any portable music system is a
+Public use of any portable music system is a
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
-- Zoso
%
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
- beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
+ beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
- [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
- a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
+ [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for
+ a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
-
-Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
- puzzle in only 6 months?
-A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
%
-Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
%
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
%
QOTD:
- "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
+ "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
%
QOTD:
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
horse with one of the horns broken off."
%
QOTD:
- "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
+ "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
%
QOTD:
"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
- -- Goodstein, States of Matter
+ -- Goodstein, States of Matter
%
QOTD:
Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
to late to punish.
%
QOTD:
-I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
-%
-QOTD:
I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
%
QOTD:
-Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
+Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
on my part.
%
QOTD:
%
Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
%
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
%
-Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%
insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
-engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
+engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
%
Razors pain you;
so poor at I/O.
%
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
-`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
+`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
%
-Reality must take precedence over public
-relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
- -- R.P. Feynman
-%
Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%
Reappraisal, n:
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
%
-Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
- (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
- (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
- Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
- (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
- mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
- (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
- (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
- Qualactin Hypermint extract.
- (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
- (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
- (8) Add an olive.
- (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
-%
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
%
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
- -- Good Morning VietNam
+ -- Good Morning Vietnam
%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
that you're the one holding it.
%
Remove me from this land of slaves,
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
-Where every knave and fool is bought,
+Where every knave and fool is bought,
Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
-- Jonathan Swift
%
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.
%
-Reunite Gondwondaland!
+Reunite Gondwanaland!
%
-Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
+Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
assume otherwise, maybe.
%
-Rhode's Law:
- When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
-or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously
-proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or
-scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
-expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any
-combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and
-unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be
-undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as
-it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
-%
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde
12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
13: Correct speling is essential.
14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
-15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
+15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
- become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
+ become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
%
Rules for Writers:
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schmidt's Observation:
- All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
+ All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
than a thin person.
%
Science and religion are in full accord but
struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
together. "There is now", came the reply.
%
-Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
-Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
%
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
%
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
- -- Malcolm DacDougall
+ -- Malcolm MacDougall
%
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
bad fiction contest.
%
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
-him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of
-stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
-- Samuel Johnson
composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
-So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
-at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
-the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
-the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
-himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
-the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
-their boots.
- -- Samuel Foote
-%
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
-- Dating in Minnesota
%
-So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all
-core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
-why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
-which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go
-to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
-safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
-So go to sleep, ...
-%
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
CAPITALISM:
You sell one cow and buy a bull.
-FACISM:
+FASCISM:
You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
The government sells it.
NAZISM:
Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
%
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
-like a staff function."
+like a staff function."
-- Paul Licker
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
- 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
+ 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
SPOUSE:
- Someone who'll stand by you through all the
+ Someone who'll stand by you through all the
trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
Spring is here, spring is here,
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
way before it is understood.
%
-Subtlety is the art of saying what you think
-and getting out of the way before it is understood
-%
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.
-- Bill Vaughn
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
- -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
%
Such a fine first dream!
Action Required: See above.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
- flourescent light strips.
+ fluorescent light strips.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
Of life's two certainties,
the only one for which you can get an extension.
%
-TAXES:
- Of life's two certainties, the only one for
- which you can get an extension.
-%
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
%
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
-Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
+Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-- Wayne Oakes
%
-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
%
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes
%
-The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
-Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
-And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
- It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
+The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn,
+Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn,
+And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone,
+ It's just, just one of those, one of those days,
+ Just one of those, one of those days
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
%
The bank sent our statement this morning,
%
The British are coming! The British are coming!
%
-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
-fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde
The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
-cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
+ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
father!"
%
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
%
-The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
-and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
+The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
+and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
-- H.D. Thoreau
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
%
The door is the key.
%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
-valuable posession to him."
+valuable possession to him."
"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
%
-The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
+The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
in general as no other can.
-- Wilhelm Reich
%
%
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
-master.
+master.
In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
%
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
%
-The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
-the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
-%
The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
the Bible.
-- John Quincy Adams
-- Abraham Lincoln
... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
-life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
+life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
-- Woodrow Wilson
%
by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
-The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
-and the second half by our children.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
%
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
-- H.L. Mencken
%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- -- Ehrlich
-%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Paul Erlich
%
and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
-received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
+received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
%
The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
The good life was so elusive
It really got me down
I had to regain some confidence
-So I got into camaflouge
+So I got into camouflage
%
The good time is approaching,
The season is at hand.
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
-*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
-A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
-1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
+*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
+A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
+1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
Became Mixed Up Zombies)
horror on a screaming world!
-- The Crawling Eye (1958)
-SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
+SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
giant desires!
-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
-- The French Line (1954)
-See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
+See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
-- Hot Blood (1956)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
-- Polish proverb
%
-The Greatest Mathematical Error
+The Greatest Mathematical Error
The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
-corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
-scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
+corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
+scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
-- Galbraith
%
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
- -- J.K. Galbraith
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
-style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
+style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
overturning everything.
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
-K: "But what about the
+K: "But what about the
^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
-the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
+the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
-invented it.
+invented it.
In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
%
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
-themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
+themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
of the bicuspids?"
-- The Old Man and his Bridge
%
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
-- T.H. White
%
to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
-people to approach printed matter with distrust.
+people to approach printed matter with distrust.
%
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
organization.
The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
%
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
-to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
+to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
-The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
Let the reader catch his own breath.
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
-The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
+The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
-The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
+The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
%
%
The other line moves faster.
%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
-head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
+head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
-went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
-never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
%
worst poet in England."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
-The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
+The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
-- Celine
%
-- Alberto Moravia
%
The real man's Bloody Mary:
- Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
+ Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
-industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
+industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
%
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
-The reverse side also has a reverse side.
+The reverse side also has a reverse side.
-- Japanese proverb
%
The revolution will not be televised.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
-taken seriously.
- -- Hubert Humphrey
-%
-The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
-- Hubert Humphrey
%
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
-active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
-exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
+active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
+exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
%
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
-With forty pounds of headlines
+With forty pounds of headlines
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
%
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
-existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
+existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
-He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
+He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
by the values he wills.
-- Nietzsche
%
%
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
-The path that can be specified
+The path that can be specified
is not the Full Path.
We declare the names
always comes disguised as hard work.
-- Herbert V. Prochnow
%
-The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
-and then marry him.
- -- Cher
-%
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher
%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
-The very first essential for success is a perpetually
-constant and regular employment of violence.
- -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
-bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
+bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
-- Jerry Brown
%
-The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
-restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
+The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
+restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
-The worst part of having success is trying
+The worst part of having success is trying
to find someone who is happy for you.
-- Bette Midler
%
if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
-- David Viscott
%
-The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
+The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
%
-The yankees, son, are up north.
+The yankees, son, are up north.
The damnyankees are down here.
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
She set no preconditions.
%
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
-the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
+the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
%
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
-And it's no good whining
+And it's no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
-- Noel Coward
%
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
-Some forever not for better
+Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
I cremated Sam McGee.
-- Robert W. Service
%
-There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
+There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
-- David Nichols
%
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
%
-"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
-fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
-and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
-wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
-your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
-%
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
can't remember.
-- Italo Svevo
%
-There are three things I have always loved
+There are three things I have always loved
and never understood -- art, music, and women.
%
There are three things men can do with women:
I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
%
-There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
-And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
- -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
-%
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
-- C.A.R. Hoare
%
There are two ways of disliking art.
-One is to dislike it.
+One is to dislike it.
The other is to like it rationally.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
It's called the Birch John Society.
%
-There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
-Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
+Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-- Jean Giradoux
%
-"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
-the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
-civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
-We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
+"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
+the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
+civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
+We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
%
-There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
+There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
-couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
+couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
-- Shirley Povich, 1941
%
-There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
-a fence.
-%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
Too bad it's not a fence.
%
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
-- Doug Clifford
%
-There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.
-%
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
-don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
-to me.
- -- John Wayne
-%
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
didn't do anything to me.
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
-And work is the provence of cattle,
+And work is the province of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
%
-This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
+This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
and not enough hunchbacks.
%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
-offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
+offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
-Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
+Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%
-Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
-be maintained.
- -- The Tao of Programming
-%
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
and there won't be any pirating.
If these three aren't enough,
-just stay at your home directory
+just stay at your home directory
and let all processes take their course.
%
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
To be loved is very demoralizing.
-- Katharine Hepburn
%
-to be nobody but yourself in a world
+to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
-never stop fighting.
+never stop fighting.
-- e.e. cummings
%
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
- -- MIT Assasination Club
+ -- MIT Assassination Club
%
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
%
%
To err is humor.
%
-To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
+To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
-to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
+to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
-or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
-receving said benefit.
+or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
+receiving said benefit.
I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
-yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
+yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
%
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray
%
-Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
+Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- H.S. Thompson
%
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
%
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
-
+
10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
%
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
%
-Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
-specification is that it should run noiselessly.
-%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
and through
The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
-It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
+It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
-The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
+The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
%
owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
-the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
+the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"
%
-Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
+Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
knows when to stop."
%
Two heads are more numerous than one.
%
-Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
-performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
+Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
+performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
-It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
+It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule.
-- Eric Allman
... We make rope.
- -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
+ -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory.
%
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
%
-Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
+Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
-is that it is not crazy enough.
+is that it is not crazy enough.
-- Niels Bohr
%
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
-- Fidel Castro
%
-We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
-socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
-bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its...
-Did I say socialism?
- -- Fidel Castro
-%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
-their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
+their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
-We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
+We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
...
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
-From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
+From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%
-What good is having someone who can walk
-on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
-%
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a syrupy sweet?
-
+
Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.
-
+
Or does it explode?
-- Langston Hughes
%
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-- Jack Kerouac
%
-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
- -- Adolph Hitler
-%
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
%
(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
-"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
+"I cannot recommend him too highly."
(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
felony in my presence.)
%
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
-- Robert Frost
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to AST's.]
%
%
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
you do it.
- -- Ghandi
-%
-Whatever you do will be insignificant,
-but it is very important that you do it.
-- Gandhi
%
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
What's this stuff about people being "released on their
own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
%
-When a Banker jumps out of a window,
-jump after him -- that's where the money is.
+When a Banker jumps out of a window,
+jump after him -- that's where the money is.
-- Robespierre
%
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
inattentions of one.
-- Helen Rowland
%
-When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions
-of many men for the inattentions of one.
- Helen Rowland
-%
When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
the first lion thinks the last a bore.
-- G.B. Shaw
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
-When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
+When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
-They grow the fruit,
+They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
%
When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
-Now I'm beginning to believe it.
+Now I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
is away and you get twice as much done.
-- Daniel B. Luten
%
-When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
%
When someone says "I want a programming language in
which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+ -- Alan Perlis
%
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
-- S. Johnson
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
-- Chinese proverb
%
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
-about themselves.
-%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
%
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
the problem, not the remedy.
%
-When the Guru administers, the users
+When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.
-Therefore the Guru
+Therefore the Guru
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When you live in a sick society,
just about everything you do is wrong.
%
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
- -- Otto Von Bismarck
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
%
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
side of the majority, it is time to reform.
-- Mark Twain
%
-Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
-weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
-and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
+Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
+weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
+and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
%
Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to hardware interrupts.]
-
+
And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
Who's scruffy-looking?
-- Han Solo
%
-Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
+Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
%
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
So long as it's clean.
Professor Doberman:
- While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
-pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
+ While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
+pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
-experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
-must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
-fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
-receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
+experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
+must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
+fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
+receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
-meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
-suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
+meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
+suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
implications.
%
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
- -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
+ -- Alan Shepard, the first American in space
%
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
kissed her cow.
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to floss my cat.
- -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+ -- I've dedicated my life to linguine.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
-we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
+we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
eternity for his faithlessness.
-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
%
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
%
-Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
+Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
-- The Tasmanian Devil
%
Wiker's Law:
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
-Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
+Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.
Socrates, quoting Plato
%
%
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
%
-Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
-stuff....
- -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
- testimony, 1947
-%
Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
-- George Carlin
%
When you can't afford to be right.
And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
-If it works, it isn't X windows.
+If it works, it isn't X windows.
%
X windows:
You'd better sit down.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
%
-Yesterday upon the stair
-I met a man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today.
-I think he's from the CIA.
-%
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
I'm not respectable.
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
-vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
+vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
You get what you pay for.
-- Gabriel Biel
%
-You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
+You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
-- Goethe
%
%
You have a message from the operator.
%
-You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
+You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%
-You have an unusual equipment for success.
+You have an unusual equipment for success.
Be sure to use it properly.
%
You have an unusual understanding of
You humans are all alike.
%
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
-at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
+at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
%
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
You know you're in trouble when...
1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
+2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and there aren't any.
3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
+(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
+(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
+(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
after you bought a waterbed.
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
- clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
+ clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
for your spouse.
%
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
-You will be advanced socially,
+You will be advanced socially,
without any special effort on your part.
%
You will be aided greatly by a person
%
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
%
-You will be honored for contributing
+You will be honored for contributing
your time and skill to a worthy cause.
%
-You will be imprisoned for contributing
+You will be imprisoned for contributing
your time and skill to a bank robbery.
%
You will be married within a year.
%
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
%
-You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
-was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
-the butter upon a hot day.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
-California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
+California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
by Miss Fortune
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
- Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
+ Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
and you will live all the days of your life.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
%
-You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+Your reasoning is excellent -- it's
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
+Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason
+so few engage in it.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our
+banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would
+be a revolution before tomorrow morning.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to
+keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he
+can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my
+emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff