Get all the games compiling for iOS

152 files changed, 237505 insertions, 107873 deletions

diff --git a/Makefile b/Makefile
index 450df04f..668faf48 100644
--- a/Makefile
+++ b/Makefile
@@ -1,23 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.31 2021/01/02 03:21:39 nat Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.3 (Berkeley) 7/24/94
 
-# Missing: dungeon
-# Moved: chess
-# Don't belong: xneko xroach
-
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 SUBDIR=	adventure arithmetic atc \
 	backgammon banner battlestar bcd boggle \
 	caesar canfield cgram ching colorbars countmail cribbage \
-	dm factor fish fortune gomoku \
+	dm factor fish gomoku \
 	hack hals_end hangman hunt larn mille monop morse number \
 	phantasia pig pom ppt primes quiz \
 	rain random robots rogue sail snake testpat tetris trek \
 	wargames warp worm worms wtf wump
+TOPTARGETS= all clean install
+
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
 
-.if ${MKCXX} != "no"
-SUBDIR+=	dab 
-.endif
+$(SUBDIR):
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR)
diff --git a/Makefile.inc b/Makefile.inc
deleted file mode 100644
index 48090e05..00000000
--- a/Makefile.inc
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,26 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile.inc,v 1.16 2014/03/23 00:17:40 dholland Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile.inc	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-MKHIDEGAME?=	no
-
-.if defined(HIDEGAME) && (${MKHIDEGAME} != no) && defined(PROG)
-BINDIR=		/usr/games/hide
-BINGRP=		games
-.if defined(SETGIDGAME)
-USE_FORT?=	yes
-BINMODE=	2550
-.else
-BINMODE=	550
-.endif
-SYMLINKS+=	dm /usr/games/${PROG}
-.else
-BINDIR=		/usr/games
-.if defined(SETGIDGAME)
-BINGRP=		games
-BINMODE=	2555
-.endif
-.endif
-# Note: do not bother with WARNS=6 until -Wconversion is either
-# removed from WARNS=6 or rendered useful by improving gcc; as it is
-# (with gcc48) it produces buckets of drivel.
-WARNS?=		5
diff --git a/adventure/.gitignore b/adventure/.gitignore
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..b3be1847
--- /dev/null
+++ b/adventure/.gitignore
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+mkdata
+data.c
+adventure
diff --git a/adventure/Makefile b/adventure/Makefile
index 8f3467e0..83bc8dd7 100644
--- a/adventure/Makefile
+++ b/adventure/Makefile
@@ -4,16 +4,25 @@
 PROG=	adventure
 SRCS=	main.c init.c done.c save.c subr.c vocab.c wizard.c io.c data.c crc.c
 MAN=	adventure.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-CLEANFILES+=mkdata setup.lo data.c
+CLEANFILES+=mkdata data.c
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
 data.c: glorkz mkdata
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./mkdata ${.CURDIR}/glorkz > data.c
+	./mkdata glorkz > data.c
+
+mkdata: setup.c
+	clang -o mkdata setup.c
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
 
-setup.lo: hdr.h
-mkdata: setup.lo
-	${_MKTARGET_LINK}
-	${HOST_LINK.c} -o ${.TARGET} ${.ALLSRC}
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/adventure/crc.c b/adventure/crc.c
index dafd7626..7538b0d0 100644
--- a/adventure/crc.c
+++ b/adventure/crc.c
@@ -44,6 +44,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: crc.c,v 1.13 2012/01/08 18:16:00 dholland Exp $");
 
 #include "extern.h"
 
+#define __arraycount(a) (sizeof(a) / sizeof(*(a)))
+
 static const uint32_t crctab[256] = {
 	0x7fffffff,
 	0x77073096, 0xee0e612c, 0x990951ba, 0x076dc419, 0x706af48f,
diff --git a/adventure/init.c b/adventure/init.c
index c39b34f4..d4b028e1 100644
--- a/adventure/init.c
+++ b/adventure/init.c
@@ -137,7 +137,7 @@ init(void)
 	poof();
 }
 
-__noinline char *
+char *
 decr(int a, int b, int c, int d, int e)
 {
 	static char buf[6];
diff --git a/adventure/save.c b/adventure/save.c
index 1aa2ee3b..c4054b46 100644
--- a/adventure/save.c
+++ b/adventure/save.c
@@ -54,6 +54,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: save.c,v 1.14 2014/03/22 22:04:40 dholland Exp $");
 #include "hdr.h"
 #include "extern.h"
 
+#define __arraycount(a) (sizeof(a) / sizeof(*(a)))
+
 struct savefile {
 	FILE *f;
 	const char *name;
diff --git a/arithmetic/Makefile b/arithmetic/Makefile
index 0ef580e7..133c1850 100644
--- a/arithmetic/Makefile
+++ b/arithmetic/Makefile
@@ -3,6 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	arithmetic
 MAN=	arithmetic.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
+SRCS= arithmetic.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/atc/Makefile b/atc/Makefile
index 8c4e9963..22216a34 100644
--- a/atc/Makefile
+++ b/atc/Makefile
@@ -1,27 +1,32 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.30 2011/08/16 10:14:40 christos Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	atc
-CPPFLAGS+=-DBSD -I${.CURDIR} -I.
-SRCS=	extern.c grammar.y graphics.c input.c lex.l list.c log.c \
+SRCS=	extern.c graphics.c input.c list.c log.c \
 	main.c tunable.c update.c
-YHEADER=1
 MAN=	atc.6
-LDADD=	-ll -lm -lcurses -lterminfo
-DPADD=	${LIBL} ${LIBM} ${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-GAMES=	Game_List Killer crossover default easy game_2 \
-	Atlantis OHare Tic-Tac-Toe airports box crosshatch game_3 \
-	game_4 novice two-corners
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
 FILES=${GAMES:S@^@${.CURDIR}/games/@g}
 FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/atc
-FILESMODE=444
-.endif
+FILESMODE=644
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS) grammar.y lex.l
+	yacc -d grammar.y -o grammar.c
+	lex lex.l
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) grammar.c lex.yy.c -lncursesw $(LIBFLA)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	mkdir -p $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games
+	cp -r games $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/atc
+	chmod -R 644 $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/atc/*
+	mkdir -p $(DESTDIR)/var/games/
+
 
-COPTS.input.c += -Wno-format-nonliteral
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG) grammar.c grammar.h lex.yy.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/atc/grammar.y b/atc/grammar.y
index 33845913..7be22b22 100644
--- a/atc/grammar.y
+++ b/atc/grammar.y
@@ -67,6 +67,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: grammar.y,v 1.12 2015/06/19 06:02:31 dholland Exp $");
 #endif /* not lint */
 
 #include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
 
 #include "def.h"
 #include "struct.h"
@@ -78,6 +79,11 @@ int line = 1;
 static int errors = 0;
 
 static int yyerror(const char *);
+static int checkdefs(void);
+static void check_point(int x, int y);
+static void check_edir(int x, int y, int dir);
+static void check_line(int px1, int py1, int px2, int py2);
+static void check_edge(int x, int y);
 %}
 
 %%
diff --git a/backgammon/Makefile b/backgammon/Makefile
index adf28243..50ed4ca4 100644
--- a/backgammon/Makefile
+++ b/backgammon/Makefile
@@ -1,6 +1,20 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.6 2001/01/09 03:13:39 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-SUBDIR=	common_source .WAIT backgammon teachgammon
+SUBDIR=	backgammon teachgammon
+TOPTARGETS= all install
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
+
+clean:
+	$(MAKE) -C backgammon clean
+	$(MAKE) -C teachgammon clean
+	$(MAKE) -C common_source clean
+
+common_source:
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+$(SUBDIR): common_source
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR) clean
diff --git a/backgammon/Makefile.inc b/backgammon/Makefile.inc
deleted file mode 100644
index 26638124..00000000
--- a/backgammon/Makefile.inc
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,12 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile.inc,v 1.8 2012/10/13 19:25:22 dholland Exp $
-
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
-LIBCOMMON != cd ${.CURDIR}/../common_source; ${PRINTOBJDIR}
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../common_source
-DPADD+= ${LIBCOMMON}/libcommon.a ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD+=	-L${LIBCOMMON} -lcommon -lterminfo
-
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-
-.include "../Makefile.inc"
diff --git a/backgammon/backgammon/Makefile b/backgammon/backgammon/Makefile
index 2a8d29b8..7e0336f7 100644
--- a/backgammon/backgammon/Makefile
+++ b/backgammon/backgammon/Makefile
@@ -4,5 +4,28 @@
 PROG=	backgammon
 SRCS=	extra.c main.c move.c text.c version.c
 MAN=	backgammon.6
+COMMONOBJS=	../common_source/allow.o \
+	../common_source/board.o \
+	../common_source/check.o \
+	../common_source/fancy.o \
+	../common_source/init.o \
+	../common_source/odds.o \
+	../common_source/one.o \
+	../common_source/save.o \
+	../common_source/subs.o \
+	../common_source/table.o
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS) $(COMMONOBJS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) $(COMMONOBJS) -I../common_source -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/backgammon/common_source/Makefile b/backgammon/common_source/Makefile
index 5daf9579..b2c30409 100644
--- a/backgammon/common_source/Makefile
+++ b/backgammon/common_source/Makefile
@@ -1,16 +1,15 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.11 2019/09/29 23:44:59 mrg Exp $
 
-LIBISPRIVATE=	yes
-
-LIB=		common
 SRCS=		allow.c board.c check.c fancy.c init.c odds.c \
 		one.c save.c subs.c table.c
+OBJS=		allow.o board.o check.o fancy.o init.o odds.o \
+		one.o save.o subs.o table.o
+
+all: objs
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
+objs: $(OBJS)
 
-# Has fallthru comment that is missed
-.if defined(HAVE_GCC) && ${HAVE_GCC} >= 7 && ${ACTIVE_CC} == "gcc"
-COPTS.check.c+=	-Wno-error=implicit-fallthrough
-.endif
+clean:
+	rm -f $(OBJS)
 
-.include <bsd.lib.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean
diff --git a/backgammon/teachgammon/Makefile b/backgammon/teachgammon/Makefile
index af8662ef..c8666a1d 100644
--- a/backgammon/teachgammon/Makefile
+++ b/backgammon/teachgammon/Makefile
@@ -1,9 +1,29 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.11 2002/09/18 06:16:39 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
 PROG=		teachgammon
 SRCS=		data.c teach.c ttext1.c ttext2.c tutor.c
+COMMONOBJS=	../common_source/allow.o \
+	../common_source/board.o \
+	../common_source/check.o \
+	../common_source/fancy.o \
+	../common_source/init.o \
+	../common_source/odds.o \
+	../common_source/one.o \
+	../common_source/save.o \
+	../common_source/subs.o \
+	../common_source/table.o
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS) $(COMMONOBJS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) $(COMMONOBJS) -I../common_source -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/banner/Makefile b/banner/Makefile
index cf4ed3f5..14d4c8b3 100644
--- a/banner/Makefile
+++ b/banner/Makefile
@@ -3,5 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	banner
 MAN=	banner.6
+SRCS= banner.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/banner/banner.c b/banner/banner.c
index 5861b50f..20cee6fe 100644
--- a/banner/banner.c
+++ b/banner/banner.c
@@ -54,6 +54,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: banner.c,v 1.21 2012/10/13 19:44:36 dholland Exp $");
 #include <string.h>
 #include <unistd.h>
 
+#include <sys/_types/_u_char.h>
+
 #define MAXMSG 1024
 #define DWIDTH 132
 #define NCHARS 128
diff --git a/battlestar/Makefile b/battlestar/Makefile
index 70c79ea7..639f21a2 100644
--- a/battlestar/Makefile
+++ b/battlestar/Makefile
@@ -7,13 +7,18 @@ SRCS=	battlestar.c command1.c command2.c command3.c command4.c \
 	init.c cypher.c getcom.c parse.c room.c save.c fly.c misc.c \
 	globals.c dayfile.c nightfile.c dayobjs.c nightobjs.c words.c
 MAN=	battlestar.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 
-.if !empty(MACHINE_ARCH:Msh3*)
-COPTS.parse.c+=-Wno-restrict
-.endif
+all: $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/bcd/Makefile b/bcd/Makefile
index beaace06..8fe6400c 100644
--- a/bcd/Makefile
+++ b/bcd/Makefile
@@ -4,6 +4,21 @@
 PROG=	bcd
 MAN=	bcd.6
 MLINKS=	bcd.6 morse.6 bcd.6 ppt.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
+SRCS= bcd.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(LN) -sf $(MAN).zst $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/morse.6
+	$(LN) -sf $(MAN).zst $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/ppt.6
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/boggle/Makefile b/boggle/Makefile
index 59d2f358..4d5b869a 100644
--- a/boggle/Makefile
+++ b/boggle/Makefile
@@ -1,39 +1,29 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.22 2003/10/21 10:01:19 lukem Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/11/93
+all: dictionary dictindex boggle
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
+mkdict:
+	$(MAKE) -C mkdict
 
-SUBDIR=	boggle mkdict mkindex
+mkindex:
+	$(MAKE) -C mkindex
 
-MKDICTDIR!= cd $(.CURDIR)/mkdict; ${PRINTOBJDIR}
-MKDICT=${MKDICTDIR}/mkdict
-MKINDEXDIR!= cd $(.CURDIR)/mkindex; ${PRINTOBJDIR}
-MKINDEX=${MKINDEXDIR}/mkindex
-WORDS=${NETBSDSRCDIR}/share/dict/web2
-DICTFILES=dictionary dictindex
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
-FILES=${DICTFILES}
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/boggle
-.endif
-CLEANFILES+=${DICTFILES}
+boggle:
+	$(MAKE) -C boggle 
 
-realall: ${FILES}
+clean:
+	rm -f dictionary dictindex
+	$(MAKE) -C mkdict clean
+	$(MAKE) -C mkindex clean
+	$(MAKE) -C boggle clean
 
-${MKDICT}:
-	@cd ${.CURDIR}/mkdict && ${MAKE}
+dictionary: mkdict
+	./mkdict/mkdict < mkdict/web2 > dictionary
 
-${MKINDEX}:
-	@cd ${.CURDIR}/mkindex && ${MAKE}
+dictindex: mkindex dictionary
+	./mkindex/mkindex < dictionary > dictindex
 
-dictionary: ${WORDS} ${MKDICT}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	rm -f ${.TARGET}
-	${MKDICT} < ${WORDS} > ${.TARGET}
+install: dictindex dictionary boggle
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 dictionary $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/boggle/dictionary
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 dictindex $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/boggle/dictindex
+	$(MAKE) -C boggle install
 
-dictindex: dictionary ${MKINDEX}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	rm -f ${.TARGET}
-	${MKINDEX} < dictionary > ${.TARGET}
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install mkdict mkindex boggle
diff --git a/boggle/boggle/Makefile b/boggle/boggle/Makefile
index 9112721f..770ef171 100644
--- a/boggle/boggle/Makefile
+++ b/boggle/boggle/Makefile
@@ -1,18 +1,18 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.10 2010/02/06 23:45:25 he Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/11/93
-
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	boggle
 SRCS=	bog.c help.c mach.c prtable.c timer.c word.c
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 MAN=	boggle.6
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
-FILES=	helpfile
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/boggle
-.endif
 
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: boggle
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) $(SRCS) -o $(PROG) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) boggle
+
+clean:
+	rm -f boggle
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/boggle/boggle/prtable.c b/boggle/boggle/prtable.c
index 63d57e1a..84421678 100644
--- a/boggle/boggle/prtable.c
+++ b/boggle/boggle/prtable.c
@@ -39,7 +39,8 @@
 __RCSID("$NetBSD: prtable.c,v 1.10 2013/10/19 17:23:08 christos Exp $");
 #endif /* not lint */
 
-#include <curses.h>
+#include <ncurses.h>
+#define __USE(a) (/*LINTED*/(void)(a))
 
 #include "extern.h"
 
diff --git a/boggle/mkdict/Makefile b/boggle/mkdict/Makefile
index 95a906ee..5370f497 100644
--- a/boggle/mkdict/Makefile
+++ b/boggle/mkdict/Makefile
@@ -1,9 +1,9 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.13 2018/05/01 19:59:44 christos Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/11/93
+mkdict: mkdict.c
+	clang -o mkdict mkdict.c -I../boggle
 
-.include <bsd.hostinit.mk>
+clean:
+	rm -f mkdict
 
-HOSTPROG=	mkdict
-HOST_CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../boggle
+all: mkdict
 
-.include <bsd.hostprog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean
diff --git a/boggle/mkdict/web2 b/boggle/mkdict/web2
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..c6b2aece
--- /dev/null
+++ b/boggle/mkdict/web2
@@ -0,0 +1,235974 @@
+A
+a
+aa
+aal
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+Busycon
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+Bute
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+Caedmonian
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+zoomelanin
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+zoometry
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+zoophyte
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+zoophytologist
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+zoopsychology
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+Zoroastrism
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+Zosteraceae
+zosteriform
+Zosteropinae
+Zosterops
+Zouave
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+zowie
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+zuccarino
+zucchetto
+zucchini
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+zugtierlaster
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+zumatic
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+zupanate
+Zutugil
+zuurveldt
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+zwanziger
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+zwitterionic
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+Zygnemataceae
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+Zygobranchiata
+zygobranchiate
+Zygocactus
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+Zygodactylae
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+zygodont
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+zygomaticoauricular
+zygomaticoauricularis
+zygomaticofacial
+zygomaticofrontal
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+Zygophyllaceae
+zygophyllaceous
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+zygopteron
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+zygosis
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+zygosphene
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+zygosporophore
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+zygotaxis
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+zygotic
+zygotoblast
+zygotoid
+zygotomere
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+zymic
+zymin
+zymite
+zymogen
+zymogene
+zymogenesis
+zymogenic
+zymogenous
+zymoid
+zymologic
+zymological
+zymologist
+zymology
+zymolyis
+zymolysis
+zymolytic
+zymome
+zymometer
+zymomin
+zymophore
+zymophoric
+zymophosphate
+zymophyte
+zymoplastic
+zymoscope
+zymosimeter
+zymosis
+zymosterol
+zymosthenic
+zymotechnic
+zymotechnical
+zymotechnics
+zymotechny
+zymotic
+zymotically
+zymotize
+zymotoxic
+zymurgy
+Zyrenian
+Zyrian
+Zyryan
+zythem
+Zythia
+zythum
+Zyzomys
+Zyzzogeton
diff --git a/boggle/mkindex/Makefile b/boggle/mkindex/Makefile
index 8926c1a0..a28736f4 100644
--- a/boggle/mkindex/Makefile
+++ b/boggle/mkindex/Makefile
@@ -1,9 +1,9 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.11 2018/05/01 19:59:44 christos Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/11/93
+mkindex: mkindex.c
+	clang -o mkindex mkindex.c -I../boggle
 
-.include <bsd.hostinit.mk>
+clean:
+	rm -f mkindex
 
-HOSTPROG=	mkindex
-HOST_CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../boggle
+all: mkindex
 
-.include <bsd.hostprog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean
diff --git a/caesar/Makefile b/caesar/Makefile
index 875ba587..236d2633 100644
--- a/caesar/Makefile
+++ b/caesar/Makefile
@@ -3,9 +3,22 @@
 
 PROG=	caesar
 MAN=	caesar.6
-DPADD=	${LIBM}
-LDADD=	-lm
-MLINKS=	caesar.6 rot13.6
 SCRIPTS=rot13.sh
+SRCS=	caesar.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(SCRIPTS) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(basename $(SCRIPTS))
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(LN) -sf $(MAN).zst $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/rot13.6
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/canfield/Makefile b/canfield/Makefile
index c656887f..1a099570 100644
--- a/canfield/Makefile
+++ b/canfield/Makefile
@@ -2,5 +2,11 @@
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
 SUBDIR= canfield cfscores
+TOPTARGETS= all clean install
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
+
+$(SUBDIR): 
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR)
diff --git a/canfield/canfield/Makefile b/canfield/canfield/Makefile
index c67bf91c..847dc040 100644
--- a/canfield/canfield/Makefile
+++ b/canfield/canfield/Makefile
@@ -3,11 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	canfield
 MAN=	canfield.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
+SRCS=	canfield.c
 
+all: $(PROG)
 
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/canfield/cfscores/Makefile b/canfield/cfscores/Makefile
index 55448e53..f8c9518e 100644
--- a/canfield/cfscores/Makefile
+++ b/canfield/cfscores/Makefile
@@ -1,11 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.7 2002/09/18 06:16:40 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
 PROG=		cfscores
-CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../canfield
-HIDEGAME=	hidegame
+SRCS=		cfscores.c
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -I../canfield
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/cgram/Makefile b/cgram/Makefile
index 70e01d50..e99ceed2 100644
--- a/cgram/Makefile
+++ b/cgram/Makefile
@@ -1,10 +1,20 @@
 # $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 2013/08/04 05:42:47 dholland Exp $
 
 PROG=cgram
-DPADD=${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=-lcurses -lterminfo
 SRCS=cgram.c
 MAN=cgram.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/ching/Makefile b/ching/Makefile
index ab7834fb..68f38c00 100644
--- a/ching/Makefile
+++ b/ching/Makefile
@@ -1,5 +1,11 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 2005/06/30 13:30:33 perry Exp $
 
 SUBDIR=	ching castching printching
+TOPTARGETS= all clean install
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
+
+$(SUBDIR):
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR)
diff --git a/ching/Makefile.inc b/ching/Makefile.inc
deleted file mode 100644
index b4674a6e..00000000
--- a/ching/Makefile.inc
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,5 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile.inc,v 1.3 2013/08/11 03:27:02 dholland Exp $
-
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../include
-BINDIR?=/usr/games
-WARNS?=5
diff --git a/ching/castching/Makefile b/ching/castching/Makefile
index dd84fc9e..905a9e32 100644
--- a/ching/castching/Makefile
+++ b/ching/castching/Makefile
@@ -1,7 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 2005/06/30 13:30:33 perry Exp $
 
 PROG=	castching
-NOMAN=	# defined
+SRCS=	castching.c
 BINDIR=	/usr/libexec/ching
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -I../include
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/libexec/ching/$(PROG)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/ching/ching/Makefile b/ching/ching/Makefile
index 85559c1e..cd5d7eff 100644
--- a/ching/ching/Makefile
+++ b/ching/ching/Makefile
@@ -3,11 +3,15 @@
 SCRIPTS=ching.sh
 MAN=	ching.6
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
 FILES=	hexagrams macros
 FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/ching
-.endif
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all:
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(SCRIPTS) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(basename $(SCRIPTS))
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+
+.PHONY: all install clean
diff --git a/ching/printching/Makefile b/ching/printching/Makefile
index 8ccb39bb..4adbc181 100644
--- a/ching/printching/Makefile
+++ b/ching/printching/Makefile
@@ -1,7 +1,18 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 2005/06/30 13:30:33 perry Exp $
 
 PROG=	printching
-NOMAN=	# defined
-BINDIR=	/usr/libexec/ching
+SRCS=	printching.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -I../include
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/libexec/ching/$(PROG)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/colorbars/Makefile b/colorbars/Makefile
index 8e55c379..dcc271cc 100644
--- a/colorbars/Makefile
+++ b/colorbars/Makefile
@@ -2,7 +2,19 @@
 
 PROG=  colorbars
 MAN=   colorbars.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
+SRCS=  colorbars.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/colorbars/colorbars.c b/colorbars/colorbars.c
index d3de2a43..63da21d0 100644
--- a/colorbars/colorbars.c
+++ b/colorbars/colorbars.c
@@ -34,6 +34,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: colorbars.c,v 1.1 2012/06/06 00:13:36 christos Exp $");
 #include <err.h>
 #include <stdlib.h>
 
+#define __arraycount(a) (sizeof(a) / sizeof(*(a)))
+
 int
 main(void)
 {
diff --git a/countmail/Makefile b/countmail/Makefile
index cf254c43..80a9d9b9 100644
--- a/countmail/Makefile
+++ b/countmail/Makefile
@@ -4,4 +4,10 @@ SCRIPTS=	countmail
 SCRIPTSDIR=	/usr/games
 MAN=		countmail.6
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all:
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(SCRIPTS) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+.PHONY: all install clean
diff --git a/cribbage/Makefile b/cribbage/Makefile
index 6b0decc3..19c2a387 100644
--- a/cribbage/Makefile
+++ b/cribbage/Makefile
@@ -1,19 +1,24 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.13 2010/02/06 23:45:25 he Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	cribbage
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
 SRCS=	extern.c crib.c cards.c instr.c io.c score.c support.c
 MAN=	cribbage.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
 FILES=	cribbage.n
 FILESNAME=cribbage.instr
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games
-.endif
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/$(FILESNAME)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/dab/Makefile b/dab/Makefile
index db09457d..b3e940ad 100644
--- a/dab/Makefile
+++ b/dab/Makefile
@@ -1,11 +1,21 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.7 2010/02/03 15:34:38 roy Exp $
 
-DPADD+=${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO} ${LIBM}
-LDADD+=-lcurses -lterminfo -lm
-
-PROG_CXX=dab
+PROG=dab
 MAN=dab.6
 SRCS=algor.cc board.cc main.cc human.cc box.cc player.cc gamescreen.cc \
     ttyscrn.cc random.cc
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CXX) $(CXXFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/dm/Makefile b/dm/Makefile
index c3fa4b2b..2b77c370 100644
--- a/dm/Makefile
+++ b/dm/Makefile
@@ -1,17 +1,23 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.11 2002/09/18 03:23:00 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
-# -DLOG		log games
 PROG=	dm
 SRCS=	dm.c utmpentry.c
-MAN=	dm.8 dm.conf.5
-# shouldn't be necessary; just in case.
-BINGRP= games
-BINMODE=2555
+MAN8=	dm.8
+MAN5=	dm.conf.5
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -DSUPPORT_UTMPX
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN8) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man8/$(MAN8)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN5) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man5/$(MAN5)
 
-.PATH.c: ${NETBSDSRCDIR}/usr.bin/who
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${NETBSDSRCDIR}/usr.bin/who -DSUPPORT_UTMPX -DSUPPORT_UTMP
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/dm/utmpentry.c b/dm/utmpentry.c
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..dc4db67f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/dm/utmpentry.c
@@ -0,0 +1,346 @@
+/*	$NetBSD: utmpentry.c,v 1.15 2008/07/13 20:07:48 dholland Exp $	*/
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2002 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation
+ * by Christos Zoulas.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS
+ * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
+ * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
+ * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS
+ * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR
+ * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF
+ * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS
+ * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN
+ * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE)
+ * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE
+ * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: utmpentry.c,v 1.15 2008/07/13 20:07:48 dholland Exp $");
+#endif
+
+#include <sys/stat.h>
+
+#include <time.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#ifdef __APPLE__
+#include <stdint.h>
+#endif /* __APPLE__ */
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+#include <utmp.h>
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+#include <utmpx.h>
+#endif
+
+#include "utmpentry.h"
+
+#ifdef __APPLE__
+#define	timespecclear(tsp)	(tsp)->tv_sec = (time_t)((tsp)->tv_nsec = 0L)
+#define	timespeccmp(tsp, usp, cmp)					\
+	(((tsp)->tv_sec == (usp)->tv_sec) ?				\
+	    ((tsp)->tv_nsec cmp (usp)->tv_nsec) :			\
+	    ((tsp)->tv_sec cmp (usp)->tv_sec))
+#endif /* __APPLE__ */
+
+/* Fail the compile if x is not true, by constructing an illegal type. */
+#define COMPILE_ASSERT(x) ((void)sizeof(struct { unsigned : ((x) ? 1 : -1); }))
+
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+static void getentry(struct utmpentry *, struct utmp *);
+static struct timespec utmptime = {0, 0};
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+static void getentryx(struct utmpentry *, struct utmpx *);
+static struct timespec utmpxtime = {0, 0};
+#endif
+#if defined(SUPPORT_UTMPX) || defined(SUPPORT_UTMP)
+static int setup(const char *);
+static void adjust_size(struct utmpentry *e);
+#endif
+
+int maxname = 8, maxline = 8, maxhost = 16;
+int etype = 1 << USER_PROCESS;
+static int numutmp = 0;
+static struct utmpentry *ehead;
+
+#if defined(SUPPORT_UTMPX) || defined(SUPPORT_UTMP)
+static void
+adjust_size(struct utmpentry *e)
+{
+	int max;
+
+	if ((max = strlen(e->name)) > maxname)
+		maxname = max;
+	if ((max = strlen(e->line)) > maxline)
+		maxline = max;
+	if ((max = strlen(e->host)) > maxhost)
+		maxhost = max;
+}
+
+static int
+setup(const char *fname)
+{
+	int what = 3;
+	struct stat st;
+	const char *sfname;
+
+	if (fname == NULL) {
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+		setutxent();
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+		setutent();
+#endif
+	} else {
+		size_t len = strlen(fname);
+		if (len == 0)
+			errx(1, "Filename cannot be 0 length.");
+#ifdef __APPLE__
+		what = 1;
+#else /* !__APPLE__ */
+		what = fname[len - 1] == 'x' ? 1 : 2;
+#endif /* __APPLE__ */
+		if (what == 1) {
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+			if (utmpxname(fname) == 0)
+				warnx("Cannot set utmpx file to `%s'",
+				    fname);
+#else
+			warnx("utmpx support not compiled in");
+#endif
+		} else {
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+			if (utmpname(fname) == 0)
+				warnx("Cannot set utmp file to `%s'",
+				    fname);
+#else
+			warnx("utmp support not compiled in");
+#endif
+		}
+	}
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+	if (what & 1) {
+		sfname = fname ? fname : _PATH_UTMPX;
+		if (stat(sfname, &st) == -1) {
+			warn("Cannot stat `%s'", sfname);
+			what &= ~1;
+		} else {
+			if (timespeccmp(&st.st_mtimespec, &utmpxtime, >))
+			    utmpxtime = st.st_mtimespec;
+			else
+			    what &= ~1;
+		}
+	}
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+	if (what & 2) {
+		sfname = fname ? fname : _PATH_UTMP;
+		if (stat(sfname, &st) == -1) {
+			warn("Cannot stat `%s'", sfname);
+			what &= ~2;
+		} else {
+			if (timespeccmp(&st.st_mtimespec, &utmptime, >))
+				utmptime = st.st_mtimespec;
+			else
+				what &= ~2;
+		}
+	}
+#endif
+	return what;
+}
+#endif
+
+void
+endutentries(void)
+{
+	struct utmpentry *ep;
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+	timespecclear(&utmptime);
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+	timespecclear(&utmpxtime);
+#endif
+	ep = ehead;
+	while (ep) {
+		struct utmpentry *sep = ep;
+		ep = ep->next;
+		free(sep);
+	}
+	ehead = NULL;
+	numutmp = 0;
+}
+
+int
+getutentries(const char *fname, struct utmpentry **epp)
+{
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+	struct utmpx *utx;
+#endif
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+	struct utmp *ut;
+#endif
+#if defined(SUPPORT_UTMP) || defined(SUPPORT_UTMPX)
+	struct utmpentry *ep;
+	int what = setup(fname);
+	struct utmpentry **nextp = &ehead;
+	switch (what) {
+	case 0:
+		/* No updates */
+		*epp = ehead;
+		return numutmp;
+	default:
+		/* Need to re-scan */
+		ehead = NULL;
+		numutmp = 0;
+	}
+#endif
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+	while ((what & 1) && (utx = getutxent()) != NULL) {
+#ifdef __APPLE__
+		if (((1 << utx->ut_type) & etype) == 0)
+#else /* !__APPLE__ */
+		if (fname == NULL && ((1 << utx->ut_type) & etype) == 0)
+#endif /* __APPLE__ */
+			continue;
+		if ((ep = calloc(1, sizeof(struct utmpentry))) == NULL) {
+			warn(NULL);
+			return 0;
+		}
+		getentryx(ep, utx);
+		*nextp = ep;
+		nextp = &(ep->next);
+	}
+#endif
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+	if ((etype & (1 << USER_PROCESS)) != 0) {
+		while ((what & 2) && (ut = getutent()) != NULL) {
+			if (fname == NULL && (*ut->ut_name == '\0' ||
+			    *ut->ut_line == '\0'))
+				continue;
+			/* Don't process entries that we have utmpx for */
+			for (ep = ehead; ep != NULL; ep = ep->next) {
+				if (strncmp(ep->line, ut->ut_line,
+				    sizeof(ut->ut_line)) == 0)
+					break;
+			}
+			if (ep != NULL)
+				continue;
+			if ((ep = calloc(1, sizeof(*ep))) == NULL) {
+				warn(NULL);
+				return 0;
+			}
+			getentry(ep, ut);
+			*nextp = ep;
+			nextp = &(ep->next);
+		}
+	}
+#endif
+	numutmp = 0;
+#if defined(SUPPORT_UTMP) || defined(SUPPORT_UTMPX)
+	if (ehead != NULL) {
+		struct utmpentry *from = ehead, *save;
+		
+		ehead = NULL;
+		while (from != NULL) {
+			for (nextp = &ehead;
+			    (*nextp) && strcmp(from->line, (*nextp)->line) > 0;
+			    nextp = &(*nextp)->next)
+				continue;
+			save = from;
+			from = from->next;
+			save->next = *nextp;
+			*nextp = save;
+			numutmp++;
+		}
+	}
+	*epp = ehead;
+	return numutmp;
+#else
+	*epp = NULL;
+	return 0;
+#endif
+}
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMP
+static void
+getentry(struct utmpentry *e, struct utmp *up)
+{
+	COMPILE_ASSERT(sizeof(e->name) > sizeof(up->ut_name));
+	COMPILE_ASSERT(sizeof(e->line) > sizeof(up->ut_line));
+	COMPILE_ASSERT(sizeof(e->host) > sizeof(up->ut_host));
+
+	/*
+	 * e has just been calloc'd. We don't need to clear it or
+	 * append null-terminators, because its length is strictly
+	 * greater than the source string. Use strncpy to _read_
+	 * up->ut_* because they may not be terminated. For this
+	 * reason we use the size of the _source_ as the length
+	 * argument.
+	 */
+	(void)strncpy(e->name, up->ut_name, sizeof(up->ut_name));
+	(void)strncpy(e->line, up->ut_line, sizeof(up->ut_line));
+	(void)strncpy(e->host, up->ut_host, sizeof(up->ut_host));
+
+	e->tv.tv_sec = up->ut_time;
+	e->tv.tv_usec = 0;
+	e->pid = 0;
+	e->term = 0;
+	e->exit = 0;
+	e->sess = 0;
+	e->type = USER_PROCESS;
+	adjust_size(e);
+}
+#endif
+
+#ifdef SUPPORT_UTMPX
+static void
+getentryx(struct utmpentry *e, struct utmpx *up)
+{
+	COMPILE_ASSERT(sizeof(e->line) > sizeof(up->ut_line));
+	COMPILE_ASSERT(sizeof(e->host) > sizeof(up->ut_host));
+
+	/*
+	 * e has just been calloc'd. We don't need to clear it or
+	 * append null-terminators, because its length is strictly
+	 * greater than the source string. Use strncpy to _read_
+	 * up->ut_* because they may not be terminated. For this
+	 * reason we use the size of the _source_ as the length
+	 * argument.
+	 */
+	(void)strncpy(e->line, up->ut_line, sizeof(up->ut_line));
+	(void)strncpy(e->host, up->ut_host, sizeof(up->ut_host));
+
+	e->tv = up->ut_tv;
+	e->pid = up->ut_pid;
+#ifndef __APPLE__
+	e->term = up->ut_exit.e_termination;
+	e->exit = up->ut_exit.e_exit;
+	e->sess = up->ut_session;
+#endif /* !__APPLE__ */
+	e->type = up->ut_type;
+	adjust_size(e);
+}
+#endif
diff --git a/dm/utmpentry.h b/dm/utmpentry.h
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..012478a2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/dm/utmpentry.h
@@ -0,0 +1,78 @@
+/*	$NetBSD: utmpentry.h,v 1.7 2008/07/13 20:07:49 dholland Exp $	*/
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2002 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation
+ * by Christos Zoulas.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS
+ * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
+ * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
+ * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS
+ * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR
+ * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF
+ * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS
+ * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN
+ * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE)
+ * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE
+ * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if defined(SUPPORT_UTMPX)
+# include <utmpx.h>
+# define WHO_NAME_LEN		_UTX_USERSIZE
+# define WHO_LINE_LEN		_UTX_LINESIZE
+# define WHO_HOST_LEN		_UTX_HOSTSIZE
+#elif defined(SUPPORT_UTMP)
+# include <utmp.h>
+# define WHO_NAME_LEN		UT_NAMESIZE
+# define WHO_LINE_LEN		UT_LINESIZE
+# define WHO_HOST_LEN		UT_HOSTSIZE
+#else
+# error Either SUPPORT_UTMPX or SUPPORT_UTMP must be defined!
+#endif
+
+
+struct utmpentry {
+	char name[WHO_NAME_LEN + 1];
+	char line[WHO_LINE_LEN + 1];
+	char host[WHO_HOST_LEN + 1];
+	struct timeval tv;
+	pid_t pid;
+#ifndef __APPLE__
+	uint16_t term;
+	uint16_t exit;
+	uint16_t sess;
+#endif /* !__APPLE__ */
+	uint16_t type;
+	struct utmpentry *next;
+};
+
+extern int maxname, maxline, maxhost;
+extern int etype;
+
+/*
+ * getutentries provides a linked list of struct utmpentry and returns
+ * the number of entries. The first argument, if not null, names an 
+ * alternate utmp(x) file to look in.
+ *
+ * The memory returned by getutentries belongs to getutentries. The
+ * list returned (or elements of it) may be returned again later if
+ * utmp hasn't changed in the meantime.
+ *
+ * endutentries clears and frees the cached data.
+ */
+
+int getutentries(const char *, struct utmpentry **);
+void endutentries(void);
diff --git a/factor/Makefile b/factor/Makefile
index 8f69170e..b84802d3 100644
--- a/factor/Makefile
+++ b/factor/Makefile
@@ -1,17 +1,21 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.13 2017/05/21 15:28:41 riastradh Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-PRIMES=	${NETBSDSRCDIR}/games/primes
-
 PROG=	factor
-SRCS=	factor.c pr_tbl.c
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${PRIMES}
+SRCS=	factor.c ../primes/pr_tbl.c
+MAN=	factor.6
 
-CPPFLAGS+=-DHAVE_OPENSSL
-LDADD+=	-lcrypto -lcrypt
-DPADD+=	${LIBCRYPTO} ${LIBCRYPT}
+all: $(PROG)
 
-MAN=	factor.6
-.PATH:	${PRIMES}
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -I../primes -DHAVE_OPENSSL -lcrypto
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/fish/Makefile b/fish/Makefile
index 854bd568..b6d2ac36 100644
--- a/fish/Makefile
+++ b/fish/Makefile
@@ -1,14 +1,23 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.10 1999/02/13 02:54:21 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	fish
 MAN=	fish.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
+SRCS=	fish.c
 FILES=fish.instr
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games
-.endif
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/bsd-$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/bsd-$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/bsd-$(FILES)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/fortune/Makefile b/fortune/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index cf3555c2..00000000
--- a/fortune/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,6 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.10 2008/09/26 18:56:43 apb Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-SUBDIR=	fortune strfile unstr .WAIT datfiles
-
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/Notes b/fortune/Notes
deleted file mode 100644
index 717682f0..00000000
--- a/fortune/Notes
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,178 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Notes,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:26 cgd Exp $
-#	@(#)Notes	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-Warning:
-	The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected
-	haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it
-	boggles the mind.  It is impossible to do any meaningful quality
-	control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote.
-	Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works
-	are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.
-	However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of
-	this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved
-	of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
-	bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other
-	bizzarrity.
-
-==> GENERAL INFORMATION
-	By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory
-/usr/share/games/fortune.  A fortune file has two parts: the source file
-(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes
-the fortunes.  The data fil always has the same name as the fortune file
-with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard fortune
-database, and "fort.dat" is the data file which describes it.  See
-strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
-	Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
-offensive parts.  The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
-non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard
-fortune database, and "fort-o" is the standard offensive database.  The
-fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
-"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
-explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
-on the command line.
-	Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
-clear text on the system.  They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
-To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
-and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8).  The fortune
-program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
-databases.
-	Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
-(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
-MUST be in the potentially offensive database.  Fortunes containing any
-explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the
-potentially offensive database.  Political and religious opinions are often
-sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well.  Anything which
-assumes as a world view blatantly racist, mysogynist (sexist), or homophobic
-ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you*
-are racist, mysogynist, or homophobic.
-	The point of this is that people have should have a reasonable
-expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended.
-We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have
-opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by
-a program which is supposed to be entertaining.  People who run "fortune
--o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have
-their sensibilities tweaked.  However, they should not have their personal
-worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted.  Jokes which depend for their
-humor on racist, mysogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously
-assault individual personal worth, and in an general entertainment medium
-we should be able to get by without it.
-
-==> FORMATTING
-	This file describes the format for fortunes in the database.  This
-is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things.  Any rule given
-here may be broken to make a better joke.
-
-[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]
-
-Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,
-
-	(1)	Everything depends.
-	(2)	Nothing is always.
-	(3)	Everything is sometimes.
-
-Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
-space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
-lines.  Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,
-
-	$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
-	which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-			-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-
-Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
-on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,
-
-			-- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
-			   line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"
-
-Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs
-unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above).
-Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this
-makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one
-tab stop or 5 chars.  Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read.
-
-Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon,
-with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially
-capitalized, e.g.,
-
-	A Law of Computer Programming:
-		Make it possible for programmers to write in English and
-		you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
-
-Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized:
-
-	A computer, to print out a fact,
-	Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
-		But this output can be
-		No more than debris,
-	If the input was short of exact.
-
-Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave
-accent.  Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines
-preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".
-
-No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good
-justification (er, no pun intended).  And no right margin justification,
-either.  Sorry.  For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can
-make this kind of formatting easier.
-
-Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by
-the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon.  The definition starts
-indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g.,
-
-	Afternoon, n.:
-		That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
-	the morning.
-
-Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more
-sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
-communication, e.g.,
-
-	"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that
-	keeps us sane."
-
-Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation,
-and are three dots long.
-
-	"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
-			-- Mark Twain
-
-Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T.  Barnum",
-not "P.T. Barnum".  However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".
-
-All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with
-somebody.  Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are
-common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)).  There is nothing wrong with
-this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals
-who did not invent them.
-
-Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the
-dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g.,
-
-		AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
-	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You
-	lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
-	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
-	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
-
-Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes.  Not even
-single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say
-``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there".  However, you
-*can* say "I said, `hi there'".
-
-A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a
-screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers
-here are stanza numbers):
-
-	11111111111111111111
-	11111111111111111111
-	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
-	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
-						22222222222222222222
-	33333333333333333333			22222222222222222222
-	33333333333333333333
-	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
-	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
-						44444444444444444444
-						44444444444444444444
-
-
diff --git a/fortune/README b/fortune/README
deleted file mode 100644
index 29de138b..00000000
--- a/fortune/README
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,41 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: README,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:29 cgd Exp $
-#	@(#)README	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-The potentially offensive fortunes are not installed by default on BSD
-systems.  If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt
-sure that your user community wants them installed, whack the Makefile
-in the subdirectory datfiles, and do "make all install".
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-	Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an
-adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and
-which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the
-history of the printed word."
-	In a subsequent conversation, Avery said: "A funny story is a funny
-story, no matter who is in it - whether it's about Catholics or Protestants,
-Jews or Gentiles, blacks or whites, browns or yellows.  If a story is genuinely
-funny it makes no difference how dirty it is.  Shout it from the rooftops.
-Let the chips fall all over the prairie and let the bonehead wowsers yelp.
-... on them."
-	It is a nice thing to have a neighbor of Avery's grain.  He has
-believed in the aforestated principles all his life.  A great many other
-people nowadays are casting aside the pietistic attitude that has led them
-to plug up their ears against the facts of life.  We of The Brotherhood
-believe as Avery believes; we have never been intimidated by the pharisaical
-meddlers who have been smelling up the American landscape since the time of
-the bundling board.  Neither has any one of our members ever been called a
-racist.  Still, we have been in unremitting revolt against the ignorant
-propensity which ordains, in effect, that "The Green Pastures" should never
-have been written; the idiot attitude which compelled Arthur Kober to abandon
-his delightful Bella Gross, and Octavius Roy Cohen to quit writing about the
-splendiferous Florian Slappey; the moronic frame of mind which, if carried
-to its logical end, would have forbidden Ring Lardner from writing in the
-language of the masses.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
-
-	... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The
-Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in
-healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if
-needs be.
-	Needs be.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index 10b07db8..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,88 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.38 2008/09/26 18:23:09 apb Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
-
-.include <bsd.own.mk>			# for INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES
-
-SRCFILES=	fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy unamerican-o limerick \
-		netbsd farber netbsd-tips
-DATFILES=	fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \
-		fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat fortunes2-o fortunes2-o.dat \
-		limerick.dat limerick-o limerick-o.dat unamerican-o \
-		unamerican-o.dat netbsd.dat netbsd-o netbsd-o.dat \
-		farber.dat netbsd-tips.dat
-
-# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, RUN 'make' with
-# "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO", or set "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO"
-# IN bsd.own.mk OR /etc/mk.conf.
-
-INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES?=	YES
-.if (${INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES} == "YES")
-TYPE=		real
-.else
-TYPE=		fake
-.endif
-
-CLEANFILES+=${DATFILES}
-
-STRFILE=${TOOL_STRFILE}
-
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
-FILES=${SRCFILES} ${DATFILES}
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/fortune
-.endif
-
-realall: ${DATFILES}
-
-# Normal fortunes: build directly from data files.
-
-fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat limerick.dat netbsd.dat farber.dat netbsd-tips.dat:
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rs ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET}
-fortunes.dat:	fortunes
-fortunes2.dat:	fortunes2
-startrek.dat:	startrek
-zippy.dat:	zippy
-limerick.dat:	limerick
-netbsd.dat:	netbsd
-farber.dat:	farber
-netbsd-tips.dat:	netbsd-tips
-
-# Obscene fortunes: we have to build source and data files
-
-fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-fortunes2-o: fortunes2-o.${TYPE}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-fortunes2-o.dat: fortunes2-o
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-limerick-o: limerick-o.${TYPE}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-limerick-o.dat: limerick-o
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-unamerican-o: unamerican-o.${TYPE}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-unamerican-o.dat: unamerican-o
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-netbsd-o: netbsd-o.${TYPE}
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-netbsd-o.dat: netbsd-o
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/farber b/fortune/datfiles/farber
deleted file mode 100644
index 86d991b3..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/farber
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1855 +0,0 @@
-A buck in the hand is worth two on the books.
-%
-A carpenter's son doesn't have shoes.
-%
-A dog under any other coat is still a dog.
-%
-A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
-%
-A lot of these arguments are fetious.
-%
-A lot of things are going to be bywashed.
-%
-A lot of water has gone over the bridge since then.
-%
-A problem swept under the table occasionally comes home to roost.
-%
-A rocky road is easier to travel than a stone wall.
-%
-A stop-gap measure is better than no gap at all.
-%
-A whole hog is better than no hole at all.
-%
-Abandon ship all you who enter here!
-%
-After that, we'll break our gums on the computer.
-%
-All the hills of beans in China don't matter.
-%
-All the lemmings are coming home to roost.
-%
-All the lemmings are going home to roost.
-%
-All you have to do is fill in the missing blanks.
-%
-An avalanche is nipping at their heels.
-%
-An enigma is only as good as its bottom line.
-%
-An ounce of prevention is better than pounding the table.
-%
-And I take the blunt of it!
-%
-Another day, a different dollar.
-%
-Any kneecap of yours is a friend of mine.
-%
-Any storm in a port.
-%
-Anybody who marries her would stand out like a sore thumb.
-%
-Anything he wants is a friend of mine.
-%
-Are there any problems we haven't beat out to death?
-%
-As long as somebody let the cat out of the bag, we might as well
-spell it correctly.
-%
-At the end of every pot of gold, there's a rainbow.
-%
-Before they made him they broke the mold.
-%
-Beware a Trojan bearing a horse.
-%
-Boulder dash!
-%
-By a streak of coincidence, it really happened.
-%
-By the time we unlock the bandages, he will have gone down the drain.
-%
-Cheapness doesn't come free.
-%
-Clean up or fly right.
-%
-Clean up your own can of worms!
-%
-Come down off your charlie horse.
-%
-Conceptual things are in the eye of the beholder.
-%
-Deep water runs still.
-%
-Dig a hole and bury it.
-%
-Dig yourself a hole and bury it.
-%
-Do it now; don't dingle-dally over it.
-%
-Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
-%
-Does it joggle any bells?
-%
-Don't bite the hand that stabs you in the back.
-%
-Don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
-%
-Don't cash in your chips until the shill is down.
-%
-Don't cast a gander upon the water.
-%
-Don't cast any dispersions.
-%
-Don't cast doubts on troubled waters.
-%
-Don't count your chickens until the barn door is closed.
-%
-Don't criticize him for lack of inexperience.
-%
-Don't cut off the limb you've got your neck strung out on.
-%
-Don't do anything I wouldn't do standing up in a hammock.
-%
-Don't eat with your mouth full.
-%
-Don't get your eye out of joint.
-%
-Don't jump off the gun.
-%
-Don't jump off the handle.
-%
-Don't jump on a ship that's going down in flames.
-%
-Don't just stand there like a sitting duck.
-%
-Don't lead them down the garden path and cut them off at the knees.
-%
-Don't leave the nest that feeds you.
-%
-Don't let the camels get their feet in the door.
-%
-Don't look a gift horse in the face.
-%
-Don't look a mixed bag in the mouth.
-%
-Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
-%
-Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
-%
-Don't make a molehill out of a can of beans.
-%
-Don't make a tempest out of a teapot.
-%
-Don't muddle the waters.
-%
-Don't pull a panic button.
-%
-Don't pull an enigma on me.
-%
-Don't put all you irons on the fire in one pot.
-%
-Don't rattle the boat.
-%
-Don't rock the boat that feeds you.
-%
-Don't roll up your nostrils at me.
-%
-Don't stick your oar in muddy waters.
-%
-Don't strike any bells while the fire is hot.
-%
-Don't talk to me with your clothes on.
-%
-Don't talk with your mouth open.
-%
-Don't throw the baby out with the dishwasher.
-%
-Don't throw the dog's blanket over the horse's nose.
-%
-Don't twiddle your knee-caps at me!
-%
-Don't upset the apple pie.
-%
-Dot your t's and cross your i's.
-%
-Drop the other foot, for Christ's sake!
-%
-Each of us sleazes by at our own pace.
-%
-Erase that indelibly from your memory.
-%
-Every cloud has a blue horizon.
-%
-Every rainbow has a silver lining.
-%
-Everything is going all bananas.
-%
-Everything is ipso facto.
-%
-Everything is mutually intertangled.
-%
-Everything's all ruffled over.
-%
-Fade out in a blaze of glory.
-%
-Feather your den with somebody else's nest.
-%
-Fellow alumni run thicker than water.
-%
-Fish or get off the pot!
-%
-Float off into several individual conferees.
-%
-For all intensive purposes, the act is over.
-%
-From here on up, it's down hill all the way.
-%
-Gander your eye at that!
-%
-Gee, it must have fallen into one of my cracks.
-%
-Get off the stick and do something.
-%
-Get the hot poop right off the vine.
-%
-Getting him to do anything is like pulling hen's teeth.
-%
-Give him a project to get his teeth wet on.
-%
-Give him a square shake.
-%
-Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
-%
-Give him enough rope and he will run away with it.
-%
-Go fly your little red wagon somewhere else.
-%
-Good grace is in the eye of the beholder.
-%
-Good riddance aforethought.
-%
-Half a loaf is better than two in the bush.
-%
-Half a worm is better than none.
-%
-Hands were made before feet.
-%
-Have it prepared under my signature.
-%
-Have more discretion in the face of valor.
-%
-Have the seeds we've sown fallen on deaf ears?
-%
-Have we been cast a strange eye at?
-%
-Have we gone too fast too far?
-%
-He has a dire need, actually it's half-dire, but he thinks
-it's double-dire.
-%
-He may be the greatest piece of cheese that ever walked down
-the plank.
-%
-He and his group are two different people.
-%
-He came in on my own volition.
-%
-He can't hack the other can of worms.
-%
-He choked on his own craw.
-%
-He deserves a well-rounded hand of applause.
-%
-He didn't even bat an eyebrow.
-%
-He didn't flinch an eyelid.
-%
-He disappeared from nowhere.
-%
-He doesn't have the brain to rub two nickels together.
-%
-He doesn't know which side his head is buttered on.
-%
-He drinks like a sieve.
-%
-He flipped his cork.
-%
-He gave me a blanket check.
-%
-He got taken right through the nose.
-%
-He got up on his highheels.
-%
-He grates me the wrong way.
-%
-He has a marvelous way of extruding you.
-%
-He has a very weak indigestion.
-%
-He has a wool of steel.
-%
-He has feet of molasses.
-%
-He has his ass on the wrong end of his head.
-%
-He has his crutches around her throat.
-%
-He has his foot in the pie.
-%
-He has his neck out on a limb.
-%
-He has his pot in too many pies.
-%
-He has the character of navel lint.
-%
-He has the courage of a second-story man.
-%
-He hit the nose right on the head.
-%
-He is as dishonest as the day is long.
-%
-He just sat there like a bump on a wart.
-%
-He keeps his ear to the vine.
-%
-He knows which side his pocketbook is buttered on.
-%
-He knows which side of his bread his goose is buttered on.
-%
-He needs to get blown out of his water.
-%
-He popped out of nowhere like a jack-in-the-bean-box.
-%
-He pulled himself up on top of his own bootstraps.
-%
-He rammed it down their ears.
-%
-He reads memos with a fine tooth comb.
-%
-He rules with an iron thumb.
-%
-He said it thumb in cheek.
-%
-He should be gracious for small favors.
-%
-He smokes like a fish.
-%
-He wants to get his nose wet in several areas.
-%
-He was hoisted by a skyhook on his own petard!
-%
-He was hoisted by his own canard.
-%
-He was hung by his own bootstraps.
-%
-He was left out on the lurch.
-%
-He was putrified with fright.
-%
-He wears his finger on his sleeve.
-%
-He would forget his head if it weren't screwed up.
-%
-Heads are rolling in the aisles.
-%
-He'll get his neck in hot water.
-%
-He'll grease any palm that will pat his ass.
-%
-He's tossing symbols around like a percussionist in a John
-Philip Sousa band.
-%
-He's a bulldog in a china shop.
-%
-He's a child progeny.
-%
-He's a fart off the old block.
-%
-He's a lion in a den of Daniels.
-%
-He's a little clog in a big wheel.
-%
-He's a shirking violet.
-%
-He's a wolf in sheep's underware.
-%
-He's a young peeksqueek.
-%
-He's as crazy as a bloody loon!
-%
-He's as crazy as a fruitcake.
-%
-He's as happy as a pig at high tide.
-%
-He's as quick as an eyelash.
-%
-He's bailing him out of the woods.
-%
-He's been living off his laurels for years.
-%
-He's being pruned for the job.
-%
-He's being shifted from shuttle to cock.
-%
-He's biting the shaft and getting the short end of the problem.
-%
-He's breathing down my throat.
-%
-He's casting a red herring on the face of the water.
-%
-He's clam bait.
-%
-He's cornered on all sides.
-%
-He's faster than the naked eye.
-%
-He's fuming at the seams.
-%
-He's going to fall flat on his feet.
-%
-He's got a rat's nest by the tail.
-%
-He's got a tough axe to hoe.
-%
-He's got four sheets in the wind.
-%
-He's got his intentions crossed.
-%
-He's got so much zap he can barely twitch.
-%
-He's king bee.
-%
-He's letting ground grow under his feet.
-%
-He's like a wine glass in a storm.
-%
-He's like sheep in a bullpen.
-%
-He's lying through his britches.
-%
-He's not breathing a muscle.
-%
-He's off in a cloud of ``hearty heigh-ho Silver''.
-%
-He's on the back of the pecking order.
-%
-He's one of the world's greatest flamingo dancers.
-%
-He's paying through the neck.
-%
-He's procrastinating like a bandit.
-%
-He's reached the crescent of his success.
-%
-He's restoring order to chaos.
-%
-He's running around like a bull with his head cut off.
-%
-He's running around like a chicken with his ass cut off.
-%
-He's running around with his chicken cut off.
-%
-He's running from gamut to gamut.
-%
-He's running off at the seams.
-%
-He's salivating at the chops.
-%
-He's seething at the teeth.
-%
-He's sharp as a whip.
-%
-He's singing a little off-keel.
-%
-He's so far above me I can't reach his bootstraps.
-%
-He's so mad he is spitting wooden nickels.
-%
-He's somewhere down wind of the innuendo.
-%
-He's spending a lot of brunt on the task.
-%
-He's splitting up at the seams.
-%
-He's the best programmer east of the Mason-Dixon line.
-%
-He's the king of queens.
-%
-He's the last straw on the camel's back to be called.
-%
-He's too smart for his own bootstraps.
-%
-He's up a creek with his paddles leaking.
-%
-He's within eyeshot of shore.
-%
-His eyeballs perked up.
-%
-His feet have come home to roost.
-%
-His foot is in his mouth up to his ear.
-%
-His head's too big for his britches.
-%
-His position is not commiserate with his abilities.
-%
-History is just a repetition of the past.
-%
-Hold your cool!
-%
-How old is your 2-year old?
-%
-I speak only with olive branches dripping from the corners
-of my mouth.
-%
-I accept it with both barrels.
-%
-I apologize on cringed knees.
-%
-I came within a hair's breathe of it.
-%
-I can do it with one eye tied behind me.
-%
-I can remember everything; I have a pornographic mind.
-%
-I can't hum a straight tune.
-%
-I case my ground very well before I jump into it.
-%
-I come to you on bended bootstrap.
-%
-I contributed to the charity of my cause.
-%
-I could count it on the fingers of one thumb.
-%
-I could tell you stories that would curdle your hair.
-%
-I did it sitting flat on my back.
-%
-I don't always play with a full house of cards.
-%
-I don't know which dagger to clothe it in.
-%
-I don't like the feel of this ball of wax.
-%
-I don't want to be the pie that upset the applecart.
-%
-I don't want to cast a pall on the water.
-%
-I don't want to start hurdling profanity.
-%
-I don't want to stick my hand in the mouth that's feeding me.
-%
-I don't want to throw a wrench in the ointment.
-%
-I enjoy his smiling continence.
-%
-I flew it by ear.
-%
-I got you by the nap of your neck.
-%
-I guess I'd better get my duff on the road.
-%
-I guess I'm putting all my birds in one pie.
-%
-I guess that muddled the waters.
-%
-I had her by the nap of the neck.
-%
-I had to make a split decision.
-%
-I had to scratch in the back recesses of my memory.
-%
-I had to throw in the white flag.
-%
-I have a green thumb up to my elbow.
-%
-I have a rot-gut feeling about that.
-%
-I have feedback on both sides of the coin.
-%
-I have my neck hung out on an open line.
-%
-I have no personal bones to grind about it.
-%
-I have people crawling out of my ears.
-%
-I have post-naval drip.
-%
-I have reasonably zero desire to do it.
-%
-I have the self-discipline of a mouse.
-%
-I have to get my guts up.
-%
-I have too many cooks in the pot already.
-%
-I haven't bitten off an easy nut.
-%
-I haven't gotten the knack down yet.
-%
-I hear the handwriting on the wall.
-%
-I heard it out of the corner of my eyes.
-%
-I just pulled those out of the seat of my pants.
-%
-I keep stubbing my shins.
-%
-I know what we have to do to get our feet off the ground.
-%
-I listen with a very critical eye.
-%
-I looked at it with some askance.
-%
-I march to a different kettle of fish.
-%
-I only hear half of what I believe.
-%
-I only hope your every wish is desired.
-%
-I only mentioned it to give you another side of the horse.
-%
-I only read it in snips and snabs.
-%
-I owe you a great gratitude of thanks.
-%
-I pulled my feet out from under my rug.
-%
-I put all my marbles in one basket.
-%
-I read the sign, but it went in one ear and out the other.
-%
-I resent the insinuendoes.
-%
-I rushed around like a chicken out of my head.
-%
-I said it beneath my breath.
-%
-I see several little worms raising their heads around the corner.
-%
-I think he's gone over the bend.
-%
-I think I've committed a fore paw.
-%
-I think that we are making an out-and-out molehill of this issue.
-%
-I think the real crux is the matter.
-%
-I thought I'd fall out of my gourd.
-%
-I want half a cake and eat it too.
-%
-I want to embark upon your qualms.
-%
-I want to get more fire into the iron.
-%
-I want to get to know them on a face-to-name basis.
-%
-I want to go into that at short length.
-%
-I want to see him get a good hands-on feel.
-%
-I was working my balls to the bone.
-%
-I wish somebody could drop the other foot.
-%
-I won't hang my laurels on it.
-%
-I won't kick a gift horse in the mouth.
-%
-I worked my toes to the bonenail.
-%
-I would imagine he chafes a bit.
-%
-I wouldn't give it to a wet dog.
-%
-I wouldn't marry her with a twenty-foot pole.
-%
-I wouldn't take him on a ten foot pole.
-%
-I wouldn't want to be sitting in his shoes.
-%
-I'd better get my horse on its ass.
-%
-I'd better jack up my bootstraps and get going.
-%
-I'd have been bent out of shape like spades.
-%
-I'd kill a dog to bite that man.
-%
-I'd like to intersperse a comment.
-%
-I'd like to put another foot into the pot.
-%
-I'd like to strike while the inclination is hot.
-%
-I'd rather be tight than right.
-%
-If they do that, they'll be committing suicide for the rest of
-their lives.
-%
-If they had to stand on their own two feet, they would have gone
-down the drain a long time ago.
-%
-If we keep going this way, somebody is going to be left standing
-at the church with his pants on.
-%
-If you don't want words put in your mouth, don't leave it
-hanging open.
-%
-If anything, I bend over on the backwards side.
-%
-If Calvin Coolidge were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.
-%
-If the onus fits, wear it.
-%
-If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.
-%
-If the shoe is on the other foot, wear it.
-%
-If there's no fire, don't make waves.
-%
-If they do it there won't be a living orgasm left.
-%
-If you ask him he could wax very quickly on that subject.
-%
-If you listen in the right tone of voice, you'll hear what I mean.
-%
-If you see loose strings that have to be tied down that are not
-nailed up, see me about it.
-%
-If you want something bad enough, you have to pay the price.
-%
-If you want to be heard, go directly to the horse's ear.
-%
-If you want to get your jollies off, watch this!
-%
-If you'd let me, I'd forget the shirt off my back.
-%
-If you're going to break a chicken, you have to scramble a few eggs.
-%
-I'll be ready just in case a windfall comes down the pike.
-%
-I'll be there in the next foreseeable future.
-%
-I'll be there with spades one.
-%
-I'll bet there's one guy out in the woodwork.
-%
-I'll descend on them to the bone.
-%
-I'll fight him hand and nail.
-%
-I'll hit him right between the teeth.
-%
-I'll procrastinate when I get around to it.
-%
-I'll reek the benefits.
-%
-I'll see it when I believe it.
-%
-I'll stay away from that like a 10-foot pole.
-%
-I'll take a few pegs out of his sails.
-%
-I'll take any warm body in a storm.
-%
-I'm a mere fragment of my imagination.
-%
-I'm all ravelled up.
-%
-I'm basking in his shadow.
-%
-I'm burning my bridges out from under me!
-%
-I'm casting the dye on the face of the water.
-%
-I'm collapsing around the seams.
-%
-I'm creaking at the seams.
-%
-I'm creaming off the top of my head.
-%
-I'm deathly curious.
-%
-I'm flapping at the gills.
-%
-I'm going off tangentially.
-%
-I'm going right out of my bonker.
-%
-I'm going right over the bend.
-%
-I'm going to cast my rocks to the wind.
-%
-I'm going to down-peddle that aspect.
-%
-I'm going to feel it out by the ear.
-%
-I'm going to litigate it to the eyeballs.
-%
-I'm going to put a little variety in your spice of life.
-%
-I'm going to put my horn in.
-%
-I'm going to read between your lines.
-%
-I'm going to resolve it by ear.
-%
-I'm going to scatter them like chaff before the wind.
-%
-I'm going to scream right out of my gourd.
-%
-I'm going to take my vendetta out on them.
-%
-I'm going to take my venom out on you.
-%
-I'm going to throw myself into the teeth of the gamut.
-%
-I'm ground up to a high pitch.
-%
-I'm having a hard time getting my handles around that one.
-%
-I'm in my reclining years.
-%
-I'm in transit on that point.
-%
-I'm listening with baited ears.
-%
-I'm looking at it with a jaundiced ear.
-%
-I'm not going to bail him out of his own juice.
-%
-I'm not going to beat a dead horse to death.
-%
-I'm not going to get side tracked onto a tangent.
-%
-I'm not sure it's my bag of tea.
-%
-I'm not sure we're all speaking from the same sheet of music.
-%
-I'm not trying to grind anybody's axes.
-%
-I'm out of my bloomin' loon.
-%
-I'm over the hilt.
-%
-I'm parked somewhere in the boondoggles.
-%
-I'm pulling something over on you.
-%
-I'm ready to go when the bell opens.
-%
-I'm running around like a one-armed paper bandit.
-%
-I'm signing my own death knell.
-%
-I'm sitting on the edge of my ice.
-%
-I'm smarting at the seams.
-%
-I'm soaked to the teeth.
-%
-I'm standing over your shoulder.
-%
-I'm sticking my neck out on a ledge.
-%
-I'm stone cold sane.
-%
-I'm talking up a dead alley.
-%
-I'm throwing those ideas to you off the top of my hat.
-%
-I'm too uptight for my own bootstraps.
-%
-I'm up a wrong alley.
-%
-I'm up against a blind wall.
-%
-I'm up to my earballs in garbage.
-%
-I'm walking on cloud nine.
-%
-I'm walking on thin water.
-%
-I'm weighted down with baited breath.
-%
-I'm willing to throw my two cents into the fire.
-%
-I'm working my blood up into a fervor.
-%
-I'm wound up like a cork.
-%
-I'm your frontface in this matter.
-%
-In one mouth and out the other.
-%
-In this period of time, its getting very short.
-%
-In this vein I will throw out another item for Pandora' box.
-%
-Indiscretion is the better part of valor.
-%
-Is he an Amazon!
-%
-Is there any place we can pull a chink out of the log jam?
-%
-It is better to have tried and failed than never to have failed
-at all.
-%
-It cuts like a hot knife through solid rock.
-%
-It drove me to no wits end.
-%
-It fills a well-needed gap.
-%
-It floated right to the bottom.
-%
-It flows like water over the stream.
-%
-It gets grained into you.
-%
-It goes from one gamut to another.
-%
-It goes from tippy top to tippy bottom.
-%
-It goes in one era and out the other.
-%
-It goes out one ear and in the other.
-%
-It got left out in the lurch.
-%
-It has more punch to the unch.
-%
-It hit me to the core.
-%
-It hit the epitome of it.
-%
-It leaks like a fish.
-%
-It looks like it's going to go on ad infinitum for a while.
-%
-It looks real enough to be artificial.
-%
-It may seem incredulous, but it's true.
-%
-It might break the straw that holds the camel's back.
-%
-It might have been a figment of my illusion.
-%
-It' not an easy thing to get your teeth around.
-%
-It rolls off her back like a duck.
-%
-It runs the full width of the totem pole.
-%
-It sounds like roses to my ears.
-%
-It sure hits the people between the head.
-%
-It was a heart-rendering decision.
-%
-It was a maelstrom around his neck.
-%
-It was deja vu all over again.
-%
-It was oozing right out of the lurches.
-%
-It was really amazing to see the spectra of people there.
-%
-It went through the palm of my shoe.
-%
-It will spurn a lot of furious action.
-%
-It will take a while to ravel down.
-%
-It's like asking a man to stop eating in the middle of a starvation diet.
-%
-It's a Byzantine thicket of quicksand.
-%
-It's a caterpillar in pig's clothing.
-%
-It's a fiat accompli.
-%
-It's a fool's paradise wrapped in sheep's clothing.
-%
-It's a hairy banana.
-%
-It's a hairy can of worms.
-%
-It's a home of contention.
-%
-It's a lot like recumbent DNA.
-%
-It's a lot of passed water under the bridge.
-%
-It's a mare's nest in sheep's clothing.
-%
-It's a mecca of people.
-%
-It's a monkey wrench in your ointment.
-%
-It's a new high in lows.
-%
-It's a road of hard knocks.
-%
-It's a sight for sore ears.
-%
-It's a slap in the chaps.
-%
-It's a tempest in a teacup.
-%
-It's a terrible crutch to bear.
-%
-It's a tough nut to hoe.
-%
-It's a tough road to haul.
-%
-It's a travesty to the human spirit.
-%
-It's a typical case of alligator mouth and hummingbird ass.
-%
-It's a useful ace in the pocket.
-%
-It's a white elephant around my neck.
-%
-It's a white herring.
-%
-It's about 15 feet as the eye flies.
-%
-It's about as satisfactory as falling off a log.
-%
-It's all above and beyond board.
-%
-It's all in knowing when to let a dead horse die.
-%
-It's all water under the dam.
-%
-It's always better to be safe than have your neck out on a limb.
-%
-It's an ill wind that doesn't blow somebody.
-%
-It's another millstone in the millpond of life.
-%
-It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
-%
-It's as flat as a door knob.
-%
-It's as predictable as cherry pie.
-%
-It's bouncing like a greased pig.
-%
-It's burned to shreds.
-%
-Its coming down like buckets outside.
-%
-It's crumbling at the seams.
-%
-It's enough to make you want to rot your socks.
-%
-It's going to bog everybody up.
-%
-It's going to fall on its ass from within.
-%
-It's got all the bugs and whistles.
-%
-It's hanging out like a sore tongue.
-%
-It's like a greased pig in a wet blanket.
-%
-It's like a knife through hot butter.
-%
-It's like a raft on roller skates.
-%
-It's like harnessing a hare to a tortoise.
-%
-It's like pulling hen's teeth.
-%
-It's like talking to a needle in a haystack.
-%
-It's like the flood of the Hesperis.
-%
-It's like trying to light a fire under a lead camel.
-%
-It's like trying to squeeze blood out of a stone.
-%
-It's more than the mind can boggle.
-%
-It's music to your eyes.
-%
-It's no chip off my clock.
-%
-It's no skin off my stiff upper lip.
-%
-It's no sweat off my nose.
-%
-It's not an easy thing to get your teeth wet on.
-%
-It's not completely an unblessed advantage.
-%
-It's not his bag of tea.
-%
-It's not my cup of pie.
-%
-It's not my Diet of Worms.
-%
-It's not really hide nor hair.
-%
-It's one more cog in the wheel.
-%
-It's perfect, but it will have to do.
-%
-It's raining like a bandit.
-%
-It's right on the tip of my head.
-%
-It's sloppy mismanagement.
-%
-It's so unbelievable you wouldn't believe it.
-%
-It's something you're all dying to wait for.
-%
-It's the blind leading the deaf.
-%
-It's the greatest little seaport in town.
-%
-It's the old chicken-in-the-egg problem.
-%
-It's the old Paul Revere bit . . . one if by two and two if by one.
-%
-It's the other end of the kettle of fish.
-%
-It's the straw that broke the ice.
-%
-It's the highest of the lows.
-%
-It's the vilest smell I ever heard.
-%
-It's time to take off our gloves and talk from the heart.
-%
-It's under closed doors.
-%
-It's within the pall of reason.
-%
-It's wrought with problems.
-%
-It's your ball of wax, you unravel it.
-%
-I've been burning the midnight hours.
-%
-I've built enough fudge into that factor.
-%
-I've got applicants up to the ears.
-%
-I've got to put my duff to the grindstone.
-%
-I've had it up to the hilt.
-%
-I've had more girls than you've got hair between your teeth.
-%
-I've milked that dead end for all it's worth.
-%
-I've worked my shins to the bone.
-%
-Judas Proust!
-%
-Just because it's there, you don't have to mount it.
-%
-Just cut a thin slither of it.
-%
-Just remember that, and then forget it.
-%
-Keep the water as firm as possible until a fellow has his feet on the ground.
-%
-Keep this under your vest.
-%
-Keep your ear peeled!
-%
-Keep your eyes geared to the situation.
-%
-Keep your nose to the mark.
-%
-Keep your nose to the plow.
-%
-Lay a bugaboo to rest.
-%
-Let he who casts the first stone cast it in concrete.
-%
-Let him be rent from limb to limb.
-%
-Let him fry in his own juice.
-%
-Let it slip between the cracks.
-%
-Let me clarify my fumbling.
-%
-Let me feast your ears.
-%
-Let me flame your fan.
-%
-Let me say a word before I throw in the reins.
-%
-Let me take you under my thumb.
-%
-Let me throw a monkey into the wrench.
-%
-Let me throw a monkey wrench in the ointment.
-%
-Let sleeping uncertainties lie.
-%
-Let them fry in their socks.
-%
-Let them hang in their own juice.
-%
-Let's bend a few lapels.
-%
-Let's get down to brass facts.
-%
-Let's go outside and commiserate with nature.
-%
-Let's grab the initiative by the horns.
-%
-Let's kick the bucket with a certain amount of daintiness.
-%
-Let's kill two dogs with one bone.
-%
-Let's look at it from the other side of the view.
-%
-Let's lurch into the next hour of the show.
-%
-Let's not drag any more dead herrings across the garden path.
-%
-Let's not get ahead of the bandwagon.
-%
-Let's not hurdle into too many puddles at once.
-%
-Let's not open the skeleton in that closet.
-%
-Let's play the other side of the coin.
-%
-Let's put out a smeller.
-%
-Let's raise our horizons.
-%
-Let's roll up our elbows and get to work.
-%
-Let's set up a straw vote and knock it down.
-%
-Let's shoot holes at it.
-%
-Let's skin another can of worms.
-%
-Let's solve two problems with one bird.
-%
-Let's strike the fire before the iron gets hot.
-%
-Let's talk to the horse's mouth.
-%
-Let's wreck havoc!
-%
-Like the shoemaker's children, we have computers running out of our ears.
-%
-Look at the camera and say `bird'.
-%
-Look before you turn the other cheek.
-%
-Man cannot eat by bread alone.
-%
-May I inveigle on you?
-%
-Men, women, and children first!
-%
-Mind your own petard!
-%
-My antipathy runneth over.
-%
-My chicken house has come home to roost.
-%
-My dog was pent up all day.
-%
-My ebb is running low.
-%
-My foot is going out of its mind.
-%
-My head is twice its size.
-%
-My mind is a vacuum of information.
-%
-My mind slipped into another cog.
-%
-My mind went blank and I had to wait until the dust cleared.
-%
-My off-the-head reaction is negative.
-%
-My steam is wearing down.
-%
-My stomach gets all knotted up in rocks.
-%
-My train of thought went out to lunch.
-%
-Necessity is the invention of strange bedfellows.
-%
-Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
-%
-Never feed a hungry dog an empty loaf of bread.
-%
-Never the twixt should change.
-%
-No Californian will walk a mile if possible.
-%
-No crumbs gather under his feet.
-%
-No dust grows under her feet.
-%
-No loaf is better than half a loaf at all.
-%
-No moss grows on his stone.
-%
-No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls.
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-%
-No rocks grow on Charlie.
-%
-No sooner said, the better.
-%
-Nobody could fill his socks.
-%
-Nobody is going to give you the world in a saucer.
-%
-Nobody marches with the same drummer.
-%
-Nobody's going to put his neck out on a limb.
-%
-Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Not all the irons in the fire will bear fruit or even come home to roost.
-%
-Not by the foggiest stretch of the imagination!
-%
-Not in a cocked hat, you don't!
-%
-Not in a pig's bladder you don't!
-%
-Not me, I didn't open my peep.
-%
-Not on your bootstraps!
-%
-Now he's sweating in his own pool.
-%
-Now the laugh is on the other foot!
-%
-Now we have some chance to cut new water.
-%
-One back scratches another.
-%
-One doesn't swallow the whole cake at the first sitting.
-%
-One man's curiosity is another man's Pandora's box.
-%
-Our backs are up the wall.
-%
-Our deal fell through the boards.
-%
-Peanut butter jelly go together hand over fist.
-%
-People in glass houses shouldn't call the kettle black.
-%
-Picasso wasn't born in a day.
-%
-Pick them up from their bootstraps.
-%
-Pictures speak louder than words.
-%
-Please come here ipso pronto.
-%
-Pour sand on troubled waters.
-%
-Put all your money where your marbles are.
-%
-Put it in a guinea sack.
-%
-Put it on the back of the stove and let it simper.
-%
-Put that in your pocket and smoke it!
-%
-Put the onus on the other foot.
-%
-Put your mouth where your money is.
-%
-Right off the top of my cuff, I don' know what to say.
-%
-Right off the top of my hand, I'd say no.
-%
-Roll out the Ouija ball.
-%
-Rome wasn't built on good intentions alone.
-%
-Row, row, row your boat, gently down the drain.
-%
-See the forest through the trees.
-%
-She had a missed conception.
-%
-She had an aurora of goodness about her.
-%
-She has eyes like two holes in a burnt blanket.
-%
-She hit the nail on the nose.
-%
-She looks like she's been dead for several years, lately.
-%
-She makes Raquel Welch look like Twiggy standing backwards.
-%
-She stepped full-face on it.
-%
-She was sitting there with an insidious look on her face.
-%
-She'll fight it tooth and toenail.
-%
-She's a virgin who has never been defoliated.
-%
-She's flying off the deep end.
-%
-She's got a bee in her bonnet and just won't let it go.
-%
-She's melting out punishment.
-%
-She's steel wool and a yard wide.
-%
-She's trying to feather her own bush.
-%
-Shoot it up the flag pole.
-%
-Somebody is going to have to take a forefront here.
-%
-Somebody pushed the panic nerve.
-%
-Somebody's flubbing his dub.
-%
-Someone is going to be left in the church with his pants on.
-%
-Sometimes I don't have both sails in the water.
-%
-Speaking off the hand, I'd advise you to quit.
-%
-Straighten up or fly right.
-%
-Strange bedfellows flock together.
-%
-Take care of two stones with one bird.
-%
-Take it with a block of salt.
-%
-That aspect permutes the whole situation.
-%
-That curdles my toes.
-%
-That curdles the milk of human kindness.
-%
-That didn't amount to a hill of worms.
-%
-That doesn't cut any weight with him.
-%
-That job is at the bottom of the rung.
-%
-That makes me as mad as a wet hatter.
-%
-That opens up a whole other kettle of songs.
-%
-That problem is getting pushed into the horizon.
-%
-That puts me up a worse creek.
-%
-That really uprooted the apple cart.
-%
-That restaurant is so crowded no one goes there anymore.
-%
-That solves two stones with one bird.
-%
-That was a mere peanut in the bucket.
-%
-That was almost half done unconsciously.
-%
-That was like getting the horse before the barn.
-%
-That was the corker in the bottle.
-%
-That was the pan he was flashed in.
-%
-That would drive him right out of his banana.
-%
-That would have been right up Harry's meat.
-%
-That'll take the steam out of their sails.
-%
-That's a ball of another wax.
-%
-That's a bird of a different color.
-%
-That's a camel's eye strained through a gnat's tooth.
-%
-That's a different jar of worms.
-%
-That's a horse of a different feather.
-%
-That's a matter for sore eyes.
-%
-That's a measle-worded statement if I ever heard one.
-%
-That's a sight for deaf ears.
-%
-That's a tough nut to carry on your back.
-%
-That's a two-edged circle.
-%
-That's a whole new ballpark.
-%
-That's an unexpected surprise.
-%
-That's getting to the crotch of the matter.
-%
-That's just putting the gravy on the cake.
-%
-That's no sweat off my back.
-%
-That's not my sack of worms.
-%
-That's obviously a very different cup of fish.
-%
-That's pushing a dead horse.
-%
-That's the other end of the coin.
-%
-That's the straw that broke the camel's hump.
-%
-That's the wart that sank the camel's back.
-%
-That's the way the old ball game bounces.
-%
-That's the whole ball of snakes.
-%
-That's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.
-%
-That's the whole kit and caboose.
-%
-That's their applecart, let them choke on it.
-%
-That's water under the dam.
-%
-That's way down in the chicken feed.
-%
-That's when I first opened an eyelash.
-%
-That's worse than running chalk up and down your back.
-%
-The grass is always greener when you can't see the forest for the trees.
-%
-The aggressor is on the wrong foot.
-%
-The analogy is a deeply superficial one.
-%
-The atmosphere militates against a solution.
-%
-The ball is in our lap.
-%
-The die has been cast on the face of the waters.
-%
-The early bird will find his can of worms.
-%
-The early worm catches the fish.
-%
-The eggs we put all in one basket have come home to roost.
-%
-The faculty has cast a jaundiced eye upon the waters.
-%
-The fervor is so deep you can taste it.
-%
-The foot that rocks the cradle is usually in the mouth.
-%
-The fruits of our labors are about to be felt.
-%
-The future is not what it used to be.
-%
-The gremlins have gone off to roost on someone else's canard.
-%
-The grocer's son always has shoes.
-%
-The groundwork is thoroughly broken.
-%
-The hand is on the wall.
-%
-The horse is stolen before the barn even gets its door closed.
-%
-The idea did cross my head.
-%
-The ideas sprang full-blown from the hydra's heads.
-%
-The initiative is on the wrong foot.
-%
-The lights are so bright the air is opaque.
-%
-The meeting was a first-class riot squad.
-%
-The onus is on the other foot.
-%
-The pipeline has ramped up.
-%
-The restaurants are terrible; the town is completely indigestible.
-%
-The sink is shipping.
-%
-The up-kick of all that will be nothing.
-%
-The viewpoints run from hot to cold.
-%
-The whole thing is a hairy potpourri.
-%
-The wishbone's connected to the kneebone.
-%
-Their attitude is to let lying dogs sleep.
-%
-There are enough cooks in the pot already.
-%
-There are too many cooks and not enough Indians.
-%
-There are two sides to every marshmallow.
-%
-There hasn't been much of a peep about it.
-%
-There is a prolifery of new ideas.
-%
-There is no surefool way of proceeding.
-%
-There is one niche in his armor.
-%
-There is some milk of contention between us.
-%
-There was danger lurking under the tip of an iceberg.
-%
-There were foot-high puddles.
-%
-There will be fangs flying.
-%
-There's a dark cloud on every rainbow's horizon.
-%
-There's a flaw in the ointment.
-%
-There's a little life in the old shoe yet.
-%
-There's a lot of blanche here to carte.
-%
-There's a lot of bull in the china shop.
-%
-There's a lot of credibility in that gap!
-%
-There's a strong over current here.
-%
-There's a vortex swimming around out there.
-%
-There's going to be hell and high water to pay.
-%
-There's laughing on the outside, panelling on the inside.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin an egg without letting the goose
-out of the bag.
-%
-There's no place in the bowl for another spoon to stir the broth.
-%
-There's no two ways around it.
-%
-There's nothing like stealing the barn door after the horse is gone.
-%
-There's some noise afoot about the problem.
-%
-There's some trash to be separated from the chaff.
-%
-They are straining at nits.
-%
-They are unscrupulously honest.
-%
-They are very far and few between.
-%
-They closed the doors after the barn was stolen.
-%
-They descended on me like a hoar of locust.
-%
-They don't like to dictate themselves to the problem.
-%
-They don't see eye for eye with us.
-%
-They don't stand a tea bag's chance in hell.
-%
-They fell all over their faces.
-%
-They just want to chew the bull.
-%
-They just want to shoot the fat.
-%
-They locked the door after the house was stolen.
-%
-They make strange bedfellows together.
-%
-They rolled their eyebrows at me.
-%
-They run across the gamut.
-%
-They sucked all the cream off the crop.
-%
-They sure dipsied his doodle.
-%
-They unspaded some real down to earth data.
-%
-They went after him tooth and fang.
-%
-They wrecked havoc in the kitchen.
-%
-They'll carve that spectrum any way we desire it.
-%
-They're atrophying on the vine.
-%
-They're colder than blue blazes.
-%
-They're coming farther between.
-%
-They're dropping his course like flies.
-%
-They're dying off like fleas.
-%
-They're eating out of our laps.
-%
-They're germs in the rough.
-%
-They're grasping for needles.
-%
-They're spreading like wild flowers.
-%
-They're very far and few between.
-%
-They're working their bones off.
-%
-They's chomping their lips at the prospect.
-%
-They've beaten the bushes to death.
-%
-They've got the bull by the tail now.
-%
-They've reached a new level of lowness.
-%
-Things are all up in a heaval.
-%
-Things have slowed down to a terrible halt.
-%
-Things keep falling out of it, three or four years at a time.
-%
-This field of research is so virginal that no human eye has set foot on it.
-%
-This program has many weaknesses, but its strongest weakness remains to be seen.
-%
-This bit of casting oil on troubled feathers is more than I can take.
-%
-This ivory tower we're living in is a glass house.
-%
-This office requires a president who will work right up to the hilt.
-%
-This thing kills me to the bone.
-%
-This wine came from a really great brewery.
-%
-This work was the understatement of the year.
-%
-Those are good practices to avoid.
-%
-Those guys are as independent as hogs on ice.
-%
-Those guys weld a lot of power.
-%
-Those people have no bones to grind.
-%
-Those words were very carefully weaseled.
-%
-Time and tide strike but once.
-%
-To be a leader, you have to develop a spear de corps.
-%
-To coin a cliche, let's have at them.
-%
-To sweeten the pie, I'll add some cash.
-%
-To the cook goes the broth!
-%
-Together again for the first time.
-%
-Too many chiefs spoil the soup.
-%
-Too many drinks spoil the broth.
-%
-Too many hands spoil the soap.
-%
-Trying to do anything is like a tour de force.
-%
-Trying to get a doctor on Wednesday is like trying to shoot a horse on Sunday.
-%
-Watch her, she gets on the stick very quickly.
-%
-We are on equally unfooted ground.
-%
-We are paying for the sins of serenity.
-%
-We brought this can of worms into the open.
-%
-We can clean ourselves right up to date.
-%
-We can throw a lot of muscle into the pot.
-%
-We can't get through the forest for the trees.
-%
-We didn't know which facts were incorrect.
-%
-We don't want to get enhangled in that either.
-%
-We got another thing out of it that I want to heave in.
-%
-We got on board at ground zero.
-%
-We got the story post hoc.
-%
-We have a difference of agreement.
-%
-We have a real ball of wax to unravel.
-%
-We have a real messy ball of wax.
-%
-We have a wide range of broad-gauge people.
-%
-We have achieved a wide specter of support.
-%
-We threw everything in the kitchen sink at them.
-%
-We're getting down to bare tacks.
-%
-What can we do to shore up these problems?
-%
-When the tough get going they let sleeping dogs lie.
-%
-When they go downstairs, you can hear neither hide nor hair of them.
-%
-When you're jumping on sacred cows, you've got to watch your step.
-%
-You can make a prima donna sing, but you can't make her dance.
-%
-You get more for your mileage that way.
-%
-You gotta strike while the shoe is hot or the iron may be on the other foot.
-%
-You have sowed a festering cowpie of suspicion.
-%
-You put all your eggs before the horse.
-%
-You really can't compare us -- our similarities are different.
-%
-Your wild oats have come home to roost.
-%
-You're blowing it all out of context.
-%
-You've always been the bone of human kindness.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
deleted file mode 100644
index 7ccff770..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,16309 +0,0 @@
-!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
-%
-(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
-(2) Great generals are forewarned.
-(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
-(4) Four is an even number.
-(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
-(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
-
-Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
-%
-(1) Everything depends.
-(2) Nothing is always.
-(3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-1.80 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
-the law!
-%
-10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
-%
-100 buckets of bits on the bus
-100 buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-FF buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FE buckets of bits on the bus
-
-ad infinitum...
-%
-$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
-which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
-	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
-	(2)  Dead cat brush
-	(3)  Hair barrettes
-	(4)  Cleats
-	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
-	(6)  Fungus trellis
-	(7)  False eyelashes
-	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
-        .
-        .
-        .
-	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
-	(100) Killer velcro
-	(101) Currency
-%
-186,282 miles per second:
-
-It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
-%
-2180, U.S. History question:
-	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
-office did he later hold?
-%
-$3,000,000
-%
-355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
-simulation!
-%
-3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
-process.  In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
-traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
-ourselves in.
-		-- Jordan K. Hubbard
-%
-43rd Law of Computing:
-	Anything that can go wr
-fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
-%
-77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
-
-------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
---- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
-------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
----O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
----X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to
---- --- (8)	nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
-
-Nine in the second place means:
-	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
-
-Six in the third place means:
-	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
-	Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
-	Redwood Forest.
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
-	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
-99 blocks of crud on the disk,
-99 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-100 blocks of crud on the disk!
-
-100 blocks of crud on the disk,
-100 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
-%
-A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
-"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-		-- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
-game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
-traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
-preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
-placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
-rolled into the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results
-from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
-and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
-ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
-responsibility at the other.
-%
-A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
-of a divorce.
-		-- Don Quinn
-%
-A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
-and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
-adds up to be real money.
-		-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
-%
-A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
-%
-A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
-%
-A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
-%
-... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
-have turned into a pile of dust.
-%
-A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
-enlightened him with ours.
-%
-A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
-as afterward.
-%
-A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
-poor to protect them from each other.
-%
-A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
-%
-A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
-mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
-trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
-%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
-Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
-%
-A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
-won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
-		-- Bill Vaughan
-%
-A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
-		-- Herbert Prochnow
-%
-A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
-wants to read.
-		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
-%
-A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-%
-A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
-%
-A CONS is an object which cares.
-		-- Bernie Greenberg
-%
-A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
-is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
-%
-A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
-		-- Dyer
-%
-A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
-damned things is ample.
-		-- Rebecca West
-%
-A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-		-- Ben Franklin
-%
-A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
-lantern.
-		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
-%
-A day without sunshine is like night.
-%
-A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
-coat.
-%
-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
-you will look forward to the trip.
-%
-	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
-eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
-test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
-	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
-the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
-%
-A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
-%
-	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
-about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
-arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
-the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
-Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
-incredible surgical feat."
-	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
-Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
-that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
-architect."
-	The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
-"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-%
-A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
-Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
-Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
-with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
-Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor."  The Hacker then quickly
-pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
-simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
-Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
-%
-A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
-subject.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-A fool must now and then be right by chance.
-%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
-of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
-elephant.
-%
-A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-		-- D. Gries
-%
-A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
-dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
-		-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
-%
-A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
-he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
-favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
-facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
-ducks.
-		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
-A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
-But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
-		-- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
-%
-A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
-of).
-%
-A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
-into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
-hope of greening the landscape of idea.
-		-- John Ciardi
-%
-A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
-rearranging their prejudices.
-		-- William James
-%
-A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
-man a century.
-%
-A hypothetical paradox:
-	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
-team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
-Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-		-- Tom Galloway
-%
-A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
-C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
-E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
-G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
-I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
-K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
-M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
-O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
-Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
-S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
-U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
-W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
-Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
-		-- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
-%
-A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
-A lady with one of her ears applied
-To an open keyhole heard, inside,
-Two female gossips in converse free --
-The subject engaging them was she.
-"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
-That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
-As soon as no more of it she could hear
-The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
-"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
-"To hear my character lied about!"
-		-- Gopete Sherany
-%
-A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
-not worth knowing.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
-in than some that do.
-		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
-by being declared to work.
-		-- Anatol Holt
-%
-A Law of Computer Programming:
-	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
-will find the programmers cannot write in English.
-%
-A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
-nothing.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-		-- H. H. Munroe, "Saki"
-%
-A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
-%
-A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any
-price.
-%
-A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
-his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
-exceptional ability in that particular field."
-%
-A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
-		-- Steve Wright
-%
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
-believe everything positively stinks.
-		-- Lew Col
-%
-	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
-first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
-	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
-and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
-	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
-	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
-little more ... that's it."
-	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.
-	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
-go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
-	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
-street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
-	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
-	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
-
-"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
-sense of obligation."
-		-- Stephen Crane
-%
-A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
-%
-	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
-novices.  "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
-insignificant," said the master.
-
-	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
-
-	"It is," came the reply.
-
-	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
-
-	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
-
-	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
-
-	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The
-lesson is over for today," he said.
-		-- "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
-%
-A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
-on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
-game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
-pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
-along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
-heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
-around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
-direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
-paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
-colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
-fall over gently onto their backs.
-
-		-- Audubon Society Magazine
-
-
-[From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
-	For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
-monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
-helicopters passed overhead.
-	"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
-said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
-	"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
-calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
-with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
-really."
-	The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
-(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
-king penguins.]
-%
-	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
-the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
-pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
-nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
-	"If what?"  asked the composer.
-	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
-%
-A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out
-on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed
-loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom
-do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
-%
-A new koan:
-
-	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
-
-	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
-
-It is an ice cream koan.
-%
-A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
-Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
-has no excuse for further procrastination.
-%
-A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
-insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
-right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
-%
-A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
-rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
-%
-	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
-removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
-amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
-limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
-larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
-power-down sequence.
-	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
-building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
-bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
-cool.
-%
-A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
-off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
-"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
-understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
-and on.  The machine worked.
-%
-A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
-%
-A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A penny saved is ridiculous.
-%
-A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
-%
-A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
-		-- George Wald
-%
-A pig is a jolly companion,
-Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
-Though mountains may topple and tilt.
-When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
-When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
-Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig!
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
-			  by Mark Twain
-
-	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
-to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
-be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
-would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
-might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
-same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
-"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
-	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
-with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
-or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
-Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
-ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
-ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
-	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
-hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-%
-A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
-		-- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
-%
-A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
-
-And the Master answered:
-
-It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
-
-It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
-
-It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
-upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
-to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
-
-And that is Fate?  said the priest.
-
-Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
-
-That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was
-too.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
-upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
-"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
-man".
-	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
-A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
-%
-A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
-of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
-series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric
-precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
-inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
-accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
-for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
-defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
-information in the first place.
-		-- IEEE Grid news magazine
-%
-A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
-your wife will give you for free.
-%
-A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
-too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
-was intended for her preservation.
-		-- Colton
-%
-A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
-"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
-the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
-to make a travesty of the game.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
-out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-		-- Steel City News
-%
-A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
-%
-A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
-
-Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
-"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
-bits, in thy mercy."  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
-lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
-breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
-Holy Pin.  Then thou must count to three.  Three shall be the number of
-the counting and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt
-thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
-proceedeth to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number three, being
-the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
-Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
-shall snuff it."
-		-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
-%
-A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
-that the system works.
-%
-A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
-the real reason.
-%
-A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
-objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
-scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
-concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
-dimensional objects ...
-%
-A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
-not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
-rosewater.
-%
-A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
-contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
-keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
-that are worth committing.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-		A Severe Strain on the Credulity
-
-As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
-parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
-is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
-considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
-begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
-starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
-maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
-Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
-of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
-re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
-against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
-knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
-%
-A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-		-- Prof. Steiner
-%
-... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
-was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-		-- O'Henry
-%
-A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
-bad measures.
-		-- Daniel Webster
-%
-A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
-exam.
-%
-A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
-Greenblatt.  As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it
-true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
-Lisp?"  Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
-shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
-%
-A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
-undreamed of by its author.
-		-- S. C. Johnson
-%
-A system admin's life is a sorry one.  The only advantage he has over
-Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare.  On the
-other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
-new versions of their own innards!
-		-- Michael O'Brien
-%
-A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
-%
-A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
-and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
-blowing first.
-%
-A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
-triangle.
-%
-A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
-in students.
-		-- John Ciardi
-%
-A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
-		-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
-%
-A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
-replaces it with.
-		-- Tennessee Williams
-%
-A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
-getting nervous.
-%
-A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
-people's attention.
-%
-A witty saying proves nothing.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
-admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact
-remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
-reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It
-is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
-using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these
-matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
-		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
-%
-A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
-%
-A.A.A.A.A.:
-	An organization for drunks who drive
-%
-AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
-You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
-%
-Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
-%
-About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-		-- Herbert Hoover
-%
-Absence makes the heart go wander.
-%
-Absent, adj.:
-	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
-slandered.
-%
-Absentee, n.:
-	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
-himself from the sphere of exaction.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Abstainer, n.:
-	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
-pleasure.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Absurdity, n.:
-	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
-opinion.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
-because the stakes are so low.
-		-- Wallace Sayre
-%
-Accident, n.:
-	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
-body is better.
-		-- Foolish Dictionary
-%
-Accidents cause History.
-
-If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
-Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
-have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
-could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
-the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
-shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
-fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
-of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
-the returns."
-%
-According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
-once a year.
-%
-According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
-		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
-%
-According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
-totally worthless.
-%
-According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
-dies.
-%
-According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
-live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
-in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
-Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Accordion, n.:
-	A bagpipe with pleats.
-%
-Accuracy, n.:
-	The vice of being right.
-%
-			ACHTUNG!!!
-
-Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
-schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
-spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
-rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
-vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-%
-Acid -- better living through chemistry.
-%
-Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
-%
-Acquaintance, n.:
-	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
-enough to lend to.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
-%
-Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
-	everyone glued in their seats!"
-Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
-	it!"
-%
-Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
-Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
-	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
-%
-ADA, n.:
-	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
-Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
-awareness."
-		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Admiration, n.:
-	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adolescence, n.:
-	The stage between puberty and adultery.
-%
-Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
-like you ...
-		-- Gilda Radner
-%
-Adore, v.:
-	To venerate expectantly.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adult, n.:
-	One old enough to know better.
-%
-Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
-way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
-		-- Sinclair Lewis
-%
-Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
-then at least be aseptic.
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
-names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
-Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
-many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
-Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
-different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
-developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
-attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
-to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
-skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
-injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
-hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
-It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
-more advanced than the lichen family.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
-%
-... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
-quotations.
-		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
-%
-After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
-for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
-simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-		-- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
-on the bench.
-%
-	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
-	"This is true," He replied.
-	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
-	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
-	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
-make his own."
-	It was so granted.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
-the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
-cost to others, to win advancement.
-		-- Norman Thomas
-%
-After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
-%
-After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
-everything.  Just in case.
-%
-After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
-cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
-removed.
-%
-Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
-change.
-%
-Afternoon, n.:
-	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
-morning.
-%
-Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Age, n.:
-	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
-still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
-to commit.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
-%
-Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
-there's the rub.
-
-For all dreams are not equal,
-some exit to nightmare
-most end with the dreamer
-
-But at least one must be lived ... and died.
-%
-Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
-Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
-that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
-unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
-up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
-		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
-%
-Air is water with holes in it.
-%
-Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
-%
-Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
-telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
-York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
-And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
-receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
-%
-Alden's Laws:
-	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
-	    of pregnancy.
-	(2) Always be backlit.
-	(3) Sit down whenever possible.
-%
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer,
-	You take one down, and pass it around,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
-%
-Alex Haley was adopted!
-%
-Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
-for a dial tone.
-%
-Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
-them keeps paying for it.
-		-- Peggy Joyce
-%
-All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
-upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
-visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
-informing, stimulating and ennobling.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
-than others.
-		-- Alan Truscott
-%
-All extremists should be taken out and shot.
-%
-All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
-without thinking.
-%
-"All flesh is grass"
-		-- Isaiah
-Smoke a friend today.
-%
-All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-%
-All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
-importance.
-%
-All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
-by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
-%
-All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
-Socrates.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
-%
-All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
-specific.
-		-- Jane Wagner
-%
-All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
-		-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
-%
-All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
-the United States.
-		-- Vic Gold
-%
-All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
-%
-All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
-%
-All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
-every organism to live beyond its income.
-		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
-%
-All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
-hands.
-		-- Saint Patrick
-%
-All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
-%
-All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
-too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
-subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
-can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
-Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
-decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
-if it rains?"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-... all the modern inconveniences ...
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
-ridiculous ones.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
-the government in less than a second.
-		-- Jim Fiebig
-%
-All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-		-- Sean O'Casey
-%
-All the world's a VAX,
-And all the coders merely butchers;
-They have their exits and their entrails;
-And one int in his time plays many widths,
-His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant,
-Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
-And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
-And shining morning face, creeping like slug
-Unwillingly to school.
-		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
-%
-All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
-and all theoretical chemists know it.
-		-- Richard P. Feynman
-%
-All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
-%
-All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
-fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
-		-- Henry Tyroon
-%
-All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
-%
-All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
-infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
-which he was born.
-		-- Francois Fenelon
-%
-Alliance, n.:
-	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
-their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
-separately plunder a third.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Alone, adj.:
-	In bad company.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
-Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
-%
-Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
-mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
-any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
-to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
-Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
-serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
-same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
-that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
-penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
-running the post office.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
-reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
-day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
-interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
-pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
-and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
-Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
-material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
-management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
-the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
-Gamekeeping."
-		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
-%
-Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
-back.
-%
-Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
-%
-Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
-that way.
-%
-Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
-%
-		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
-across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
-%
-		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
-would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-%
-Ambidextrous, adj.:
-	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-		-- Charlie McCarthy
-%
-America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
-to decadence without touching civilization.
-		-- John O'Hara
-%
-America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
-until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
-changed its name to "America".
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
-employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
-employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
-between the men's room and the women's room without having little
-pictures on the doors.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
-%
-Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
-%
-An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
-people refuse to see it.
-		-- James Michener, "Space"
-%
-An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
-is always polite to traffic cops.
-%
-An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
-New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
-not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
-%
-	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
-knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
-great restraint.
-	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
-embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away
-to be used "next time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished,
-and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
-that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
-	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
-When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
-confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
-and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
-are particular and not generalizable.
-	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
-all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
-one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
-		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
-%
-An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
-murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
-mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
-Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
-suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
-murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
-%
-An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
-really care to know.
-%
-An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
-%
-An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
-%
-An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
-summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
-arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey
-responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
-%
-An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
-		-- A. P. Herbert
-%
-An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He
-wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
-advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
-Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
-incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
-excellence:
-
-The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
-discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
-to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
-things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
-parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
-timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
-doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
-Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
-school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
-successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
-they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
-%
-... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
-picturesque liar.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these
-eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
-possible.
-		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
-%
-An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
-%
-	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
-in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
-	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
-you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
-an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
-hour seems like a minute."
-	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
-moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
-%
-Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
-government at all.
-%
-And as we stand on the edge of darkness
-Let our chant fill the void
-That others may know
-
-	In the land of the night
-	The ship of the sun
-	Is drawn by
-	The grateful dead.
-
-		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
-%
-... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
-%
-And I heard Jeff exclaim,
-As they strolled out of sight,
-"Merry Christmas to all --
-You take credit cards, right?"
-		-- "Outsiders" comic
-%
-... And malt does more than Milton can
-To justify God's ways to man
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
-%
-... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own.
-        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
-fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
-looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One
-approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
-is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
-of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
-gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode.  So this
-procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
-youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
-Orson Welles.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
-courtesy detail.
-%
-And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
-horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
-columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
-ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
-world.
-		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
-%
-	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
-	"Diet."
-%
-And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
-a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
-tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
-tragedy face to face, we have politics.
-		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
-		   Ground Cover"
-%
-Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
-Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
-%
-Angels we have heard on High
-Tell us to go out and Buy.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Ankh if you love Isis.
-%
-Anoint, v.:
-	To grease a king or other great functionary already
-sufficiently slippery.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-		Another Glitch in the Call
-		------- ------ -- --- ----
-	(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
-
-We don't need no indirection
-We don't need no flow control
-No data typing or declarations
-Did you leave the lists alone?
-
-	Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
-
-Chorus:
-	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
-	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
-%
-Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
-television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
-and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
-offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
-
-(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
-(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-(3) I don't know.
-(4) Who cares?
-(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
-    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
-(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
-    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
-    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
-    Papyrus Books).
-%
-Anthony's Law of Force:
-	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
-%
-Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
-	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
-	corner of the workshop.
-
-Corollary:
-	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
-	your toes.
-%
-Antonym, n.:
-	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-%
-Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-		-- Charles McCabe
-%
-Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
-representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
-representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
-capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
-		-- Richard Schickel
-%
-Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
-		-- Aesop
-%
-Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
-this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
-whole week.
-%
-Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
-sell it.
-%
-Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
--- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance,
-my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
-the fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
-undoubtedly true.
-		-- Solomon Short
-%
-Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
-object.
-%
-Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
-exactly the point of most pressure.
-		-- Milt Barber
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-		-- Rich Kulawiec
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
-demo.
-		-- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga Inc.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-		-- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
-something.
-%
-Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
-%
-Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
-%
-Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
-probably parked.
-%
-Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
-%
-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
-supposed to be doing at the moment.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-		-- Publius Syrus
-%
-Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
-none.
-%
-Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
-is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
-make messes in the house.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
-account be allowed to do the job.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
-tried taking candy from a baby.
-		-- Robin Hood
-%
-Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
-%
-Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
-price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
-means the price went way up.
-%
-Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
-%
-Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
-%
-Aphorism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement.
-Afterism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-		-- James Alexander Thom
-%
-APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of
-the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
-coding bums.
-%
-APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I
-can't read any of them.
-		-- Roy Keir
-%
-Aquadextrous, adj.:
-	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
-with your toes.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
-	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
-	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
-	be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
-	mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.
-%
-Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
-	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
-general can be said."
-%
-ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
-    FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
-%
-Are you a turtle?
-%
-Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
-	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
-	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
-	not very nice.
-%
-Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
-shoes.
-		-- Mickey Mouse
-%
-Armadillo:
-	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
-%
-Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
-	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
-	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
-	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
-	    first two laws.
-%
-Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
-measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
-imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Art is anything you can get away with.
-		-- Marshall McLuhan
-%
-Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
-		-- Paul Gauguin
-%
-Arthur's Laws of Love:
-	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
-	    remind them of someone else.
-	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
-	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
-	    yourself in person.
-%
-Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
-%
-As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
-interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick
-perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
-"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
-certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
-became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
-meet girls.
-		-- Matt Cartmill
-%
-As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
-certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-		-- Weisert
-%
-As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
-	Feeling worse and worser,
-There I met a C.R.T.
-	And it drop't me a cursor.
-
-C.R.T., C.R.T.,
-	Phosphors light on you!
-If I had fifty hours a day
-	I'd spend them all at you.
-
-		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-As I was passing Project MAC,
-I met a Quux with seven hacks.
-Every hack had seven bugs;
-Every bug had seven manifestations;
-Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
-Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
-How many losses at Project MAC?
-%
-As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
-industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free
-speech and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to
-myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a
-real American talk like that.
-		-- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
-%
-As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
-%
-As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
-fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
-popular.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
-%
-As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
-programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
-		-- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
-		   computer system.
-%
-As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
-wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
-to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
-that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
-finding mistakes in my own programs.
-		-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
-%
-As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
-so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
-is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free
-variable."
-%
-As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
-memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
-to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
-E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
-		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
-%
-As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
-interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
-Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
-out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
-Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
-organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,
-birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never
-see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
-stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
-with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are
-talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
-highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
-your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
-The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
-with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
-from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
-over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
-a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
-spider is suing you for damages.
-%
-As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
-%
-ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
-%
-Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
-one went to Harvard).
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
-%
-Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
-Station-to-Station rate.
-%
-Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
-bathtub, it tolls for thee.
-%
-Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
-for an answer.
-%
-Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
-woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
-she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Ass, n.:
-	The masculine of "lass".
-%
-Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
-Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
-strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
-Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
-and dying broke.
-		-- Stanley Walker
-%
-At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
-Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
-under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
-%
-At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
-not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
-it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
-		-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
-%
-At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
-challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-		-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
-%
-... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-		-- J. B. White
-%
-At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents
-%
-At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
-thumb with a hammer.
-		-- Marshall Lumsden
-%
-At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
-find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
-the computer.
-%
-Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
-or street lamp.
-%
-Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
-depths they were once able to plumb.
-		-- Stanley Kaufman
-%
-Automobile, n.:
-	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
-%
-Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Avoid reality at all costs.
-%
-Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
-		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a student entering
-		   school in the fall after the Kent State shootings
-%
-Bacchus, n.:
-	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
-getting drunk.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Bagbiter:
-	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
-intermittently.  2. adj.:  Failing hardware or software.  "This
-bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar."  Usage:  verges on
-obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
-bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
-CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
-%
-Bagdikian's Observation:
-	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
-newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
-ukulele.
-%
-Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
-	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
-by governors.
-%
-Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
-%
-Banectomy, n.:
-	The removal of bruises on a banana.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
-%
-Barach's Rule:
-	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
-%
-Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
-floor -- especially in the dark.
-%
-Barometer, n.:
-	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
-are having.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Barth's Distinction:
-	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
-types, and those who don't.
-%
-Baruch's Observation:
-	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
-%
-Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high
-taxes.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Basic is a high level languish.
-APL is a high level anguish.
-%
-BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
-%
-BASIC, n.:
-	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
-that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
-%
-Bathquake, n.:
-	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
-faucet is turned on to a certain point.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
-door.
-%
-BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
-%
-Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
-get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
-face.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
-%
-Be careful of reading health books.  You might die of a misprint.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Be different: conform.
-%
-Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
-get used to it.
-%
-Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
-%
-Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
-miss
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Bees are very busy souls
-They have no time for birth controls
-And that is why in times like these
-There are so many Sons of Bees.
-%
-	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
-took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
-followers.
-	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
-there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
-	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
-commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
-Purpose in Life, anyway?"
-	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
-Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
-	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
-	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
-Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
-%
-Begathon, n.:
-	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
-you won't have to watch commercials.
-%
-Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
-away.
-%
-Beifeld's Principle:
-	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
-receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
-already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
-looking and richer male friend.
-%
-"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
-%
-Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
-%
-Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
-	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
-	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
-	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
-%
-Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
-		-- Time Bandits
-%
-Besides the device, the box should contain:
-
-* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
-
-* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
-  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
-
-YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
-cable.
-
-IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
-spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
-that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
-without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
-why."
-
-WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
-%
-Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
-%
-better !pout !cry
-better watchout
-lpr why
-santa claus <north pole >town
-
-cat /etc/passwd >list
-ncheck list
-ncheck list
-cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
-cat list | grep nice >giftlist
-santa claus <north pole > town
-
-who | grep sleeping
-who | grep awake
-who | egrep 'bad|good'
-for (goodness sake) {
-	be good
-}
-%
-Better dead than mellow.
-%
-Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
-Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
-Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
-great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
-
-It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
-Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
-equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
-destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
-both Parliament and Party.
-
-It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
-planets, this may be the first message received from us.
-		-- The Realist, November, 1964
-%
-Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
-tried it.
-		-- Donald Knuth
-%
-Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
-%
-Beware of low-flying butterflies.
-%
-Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-		-- Leonard Brandwein
-%
-Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
-drip under pressure.
-%
-Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
-finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
-murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
-their ignorance the hard way.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
-%
-Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
-nothing of interest is easy.
-%
-Binary, adj.:
-	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
-%
-Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
-thing as division.
-%
-Bipolar, adj.:
-	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
-New York
-%
-Birth, n.:
-	The first and direst of all disasters.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
-%
-Bizoos, n.:
-	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
-basketball.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
-Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
-		-- Herbert Hoover
-%
-Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
-for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
-%
-BLISS is ignorance.
-%
-Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
-%
-Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
-%
-Blore's Razor:
-	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
-funnier.
-%
-Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
-plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
-it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
-arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
-throwing up on them.
-%
-Boling's postulate:
-	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
-%
-Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
-	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
-vividly manifests their lack of progress.
-%
-Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
-	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-%
-BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH!
-%
-Boob's Law:
-	You always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-Bore, n.:
-	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
-		-- Walter Winchell
-%
-Bore, n.:
-	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Boren's Laws:
-	(1) When in charge, ponder.
-	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
-	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
-%
-Boss, n.:
-	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
-the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
-in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
-ornamental stud."
-%
-Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry
-that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
-straightened out for a crowbar.
-		-- O. W. Holmes
-%
-Boston, n.:
-	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
-finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-Boy, life takes a long time to live.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-Boy, n.:
-	A noise with dirt on it.
-%
-Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
-when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the
-unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
-(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend
-to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
-		-- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style"
-%
-Bradley's Bromide:
-	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
-committee -- that will do them in.
-%
-Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
-	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
-easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
-handled this?"
-%
-Brain fried -- Core dumped
-%
-Brain, n.:
-	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
-	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
-error in an opponent.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
-since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Bride, n.:
-	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
-revitalize the corner saloon.
-%
-British Israelites:
-	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
-Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
-Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
-believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
-Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
-the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
-head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Broad-mindedness, n.:
-	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
-%
-Brontosaurus Principle:
-	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
-in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
-this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-		-- Thomas K. Connellan
-%
-Brook's Law:
-	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
-%
-Brooke's Law:
-	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
-discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
-beyond recognition.
-%
-Bubble Memory, n.:
-	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
-intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
-%
-Bucy's Law:
-	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-%
-Bug, n.:
-	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
-programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
-wrote the program.
-
-Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Bugs, pl. n.:
-	Small living things that small living boys throw on small
-living girls.
-%
-BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
-	    outfit."
-GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
-BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive."
-		-- Jay Ward
-%
-Bumper sticker:
-
-All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
-manufacture.
-%
-Bureaucrat, n.:
-	A person who cuts red tape sideways.
-		-- J. McCabe
-%
-Bureaucrat, n.:
-	A politician who has tenure.
-%
-Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
-%
-Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
-	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
-	    sawhorse.
-	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
-	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
-	    perfectly balanced.
-	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
-		-- Robert Burns
-%
-	But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
-easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
-and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
-upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
-without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
-on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
-was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
-sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
-human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws.
-%
-But I don't like Spam!!!!
-%
-	But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
-we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
-that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
-of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
-example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
-makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
-whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
-finite or an infinite number.
-		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
-But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
-system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
-analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
-		   Compilers"
-%
-But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
-to the nearest gas station.
-%
-But scientists, who ought to know
-Assure us that it must be so.
-Oh, let us never, never doubt
-What nobody is sure about.
-		-- Hilaire Belloc
-%
-But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
-Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
-But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
-		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
-%
-But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
-was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
-education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
-1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
-American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
-invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
-invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
-adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
-electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
-electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
-part) sends it right back to the customer again.
-
-This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
-of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
-very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
-In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
-States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
-ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
-increases.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
-place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
-Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
-kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
-poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
-explained yet about the bytes?
-%
-... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-		-- Virginia Masters
-%
-But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
-computers?
-%
-Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
-Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
-Less dear than army ants in apple pies
-Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
-Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
-Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
-They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
-Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
-Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
-And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
-Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
-Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
-Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
-Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
-%
-By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
-completely overwhelm you.
-%
-By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,
-it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
-invent.
-		-- R. Emerson
-		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
-		   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
-		   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
-		   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
-%
-By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
-to suspect 'Hungry' ...
-		-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
-%
-By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
-mean.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
-point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
-fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
-often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
-from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
-that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
-wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
-they wanted to be.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-C, n.:
-	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
-like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
-anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
-today, or it isn't.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Cabbage, n.:
-	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
-a man's head.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
-		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
-%
-Cahn's Axiom:
-	When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-California, n.:
-	From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
-Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
-"fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-		-- Ed Moran
-%
-Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-		-- Indian proverb
-%
-Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
-Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
-%
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
-Corner, Vermont.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
-points.
-		-- M. M. Johnston
-%
-Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
-	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
-
-Supplement:
-	A .44 magnum beats four aces.
-%
-Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
-for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
-%
-Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
-Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
-A root or two, a torus and a node:
-The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
-problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
-off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
-recipients are Cancer people.
-%
-Canonical, adj.:
-	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true
-story:  One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
-annoyance at the use of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a
-point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
-eventually it began to sink in.  Finally, in one conversation, he used
-the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
-	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
-	Stallman: "What did he say?"
-	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
-	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
-much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
-importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
-they take root and become trees.
-%
-Captain Penny's Law:
-	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
-the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
-%
-Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
-expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
-complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
-planning to reduce the time it takes.
-%
-Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
-trousers that don't match.
-%
-Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
-	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
-dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
-putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Cat, n.:
-	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
-%
-Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
-%
-Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
-%
-CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..
-%
-Cecil, you're my final hope
-Of finding out the true Straight Dope
-For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
-But none of my cats are at all like that.
-This unusual animal (so it is said)
-Is simultaneously alive and dead!
-What I don't understand is just why he
-Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
-My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
-In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
-If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
-And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
-But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
-Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
-		-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
-		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
-%
-Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
-%
-Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
-center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
-works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
-		-- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
-how many?
-%
-Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
-Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
-Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
-		out of it?
-Jaka:		Ugh!
-Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
-		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
-%
-Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
-walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
-then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
-health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
-not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
-only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
-others who have tried it.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
-But it's very funny--
-	Did you ever try buying them without money?
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-			Chapter 1
-
-The story so far:
-
-	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
-of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-%
-Character Density, n.:
-	The number of very weird people in the office.
-%
-Checkuary, n.:
-	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and
-ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
-checks.
-%
-Chef, n.:
-	Any cook who swears in French.
-%
-Chemicals, n.:
-	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
-%
-Chemistry is applied theology.
-		-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
-%
-Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
-	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
-headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
-		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
-	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
-for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
-cheerfully baste you.
-		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
-%
-Chicago, n.:
-	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
-%
-Chicken Little only has to be right once.
-%
-Chicken Little was right.
-%
-Chicken Soup, n.:
-	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
-cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
-is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
-effort to teach them good manners.
-%
-Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
-going to catch you in next.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
-And that's what parents were created for.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
-word what you shouldn't have said.
-%
-Chism's Law of Completion:
-	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
-precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
-%
-Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
-	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
-%
-Chivalry, Schmivalry!
-	Roger the thief has a
-	method he uses for
-	sneaky attacks:
-Folks who are reading are
-	Characteristically
-	Always Forgetting to
-	Guard their own bac ...
-%
-Christ:
-	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
-%
-Churchill's Commentary on Man:
-	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
-time he will pick himself up and continue on.
-%
-Cigarette, n.:
-	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
-between.
-%
-Cinemuck, n.:
-	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
-covers the floors of movie theaters.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Clairvoyant, n.:
-	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
-which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
-shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-		-- Phyllis Diller
-%
-Cleanliness is next to impossible.
-%
-Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
-%
-Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day.
-%
-Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
-%
-Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
-society.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
-%
-Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
-%
-Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
-"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
-		-- Blair Houghton
-%
-Coincidence, n.:
-	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
-going on.
-%
-Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-Cold, adj.:
-	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
-%
-Cold, adj.:
-	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
-pockets.
-%
-Collaboration, n.:
-	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
-other fellow can spell.
-%
-College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
-faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
-the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
-legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
-loss to humanity.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Colvard's Logical Premises:
-	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
-	won't.
-
-Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
-	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
-	attracted to.
-
-Grelb's Commentary
-	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
-%
-Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
-And every vector dreams of matrices.
-Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
-It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
-Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
-Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
-Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Command, n.:
-	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
-such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
-%
-	COMMENT
-
-Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
-A medley of extemporanea;
-And love is thing that can never go wrong;
-And I am Marie of Roumania.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Commitment, n.:
-	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
-The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
-%
-Committee Rules:
-	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
-	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
-	    stamps you as being wise.
-	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
-	    others.
-	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
-	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
-	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
-%
-Committee, n.:
-	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
-decide that nothing can be done.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
-be appointed to do the work.
-%
-Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
-different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
-		-- Clive James
-%
-Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
-of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
-		-- David Guaspari
-%
-Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
-%
-Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
-theory.
-%
-Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
-%
-Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
-		-- Pablo Picasso
-%
-Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
-the world that just don't add up.
-%
-Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
-than the estimate the job will cost.
-%
-Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Concept, n.:
-	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
-$25,000.
-%
-... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
-business, it probably would be gibberish.
-		-- Thom McLeod
-%
-Condense soup, not books!
-%
-Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
-good for dandruff.
-		-- Peter de Vries
-%
-Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
-%
-Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
-would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
-you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
-maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
-OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
-UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
-IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
-WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
-SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
-RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
-RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
-FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
-%
-Connector Conspiracy, n:
-	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
-KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
-manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
-to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
-stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
-interface devices.
-%
-Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
-		-- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
-%
-Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
-%
-Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
-wish you weren't.
-%
-Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
-		-- Daffy Duck, "Ali Baba Bunny", [1957, Chuck Jones]
-%
-Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
-give it back to them.
-%
-"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
-if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
-technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
-%
-Conversation, n.:
-	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
-is called the listener.
-%
-Conway's Law:
-	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
-	what is going on.
-
-	This person must be fired.
-%
-Coronation, n.:
-	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
-visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
-bomb.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Corrupt, adj.:
-	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
-%
-Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
-muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
-make of capitalism.
-		-- Walter Lippmann
-%
-Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
-is to enforce the law and fight crime.
-		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
-%
-Court, n.:
-	A place where they dispense with justice.
-		-- Arthur Train
-%
-Coward, n.:
-	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with
-nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
-		-- A. E. Neuman
-%
-Critic, n.:
-	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
-to please him.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Croll's Query:
-	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
-%
-cursor address, n:
-	"Hello, cursor!"
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
-eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
-		-- Johnny Hart
-%
-Cynic, n.:
-	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
-as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
-out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cynic, n.:
-	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
-%
-Dare to be naive.
-		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
-%
-Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
-Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
-%
-Dawn, n.:
-	The time when men of reason go to bed.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
-%
-%DCL-E-MEM-BAD, bad memory
--VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
-%
-Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also
-easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
-improve.
-%
-Dear Lord:
-	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
-the other hand", again.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
-elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
-courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
-
-Gentle Reader:
-	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
-economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
-principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
-than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
-believes that is.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
-your face.
-
-Gentle Reader:
-	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
-your face ...
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
-of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
-will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
-commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
-"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
-table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
-says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,
-"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
-complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
-if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
-dead bat?
-
-Answer: Yes.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
-
-Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
-signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
-word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
-ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
-creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
-quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
-DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
-%
-Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
-%
-Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
-%
-Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-%
-Death is only a state of mind.
-
-Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
-%
-Death to all fanatics!
-%
-Decision maker, n.:
-	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
-before the music stopped.
-%
-Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
-overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
-language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
-judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
-addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
-		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
-%
-	Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
-
-Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
-Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
-Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
-Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
-
-Don't we know archaic barrel,
-Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
-Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
-Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
-marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
-theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
-those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
-blessed.
-		-- Randy Davis
-%
-default, n.:
-	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
-mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
-come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
-#define BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
-			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
-			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
-
-		-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
-%
-Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
-	Hardware is what you kick;
-	Software is what you curse.
-%
-			DELETE A FORTUNE!
-
-Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
-to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
-"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
-gets expunged.
-%
-Deliberation, n.:
-	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
-buttered on.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
-%
-Demand the establishment of the government
-in its rightful home at Disneyland.
-%
-Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
-we deserve.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
-aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-		-- Senator Soaper
-%
-Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
-incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
-don't think.
-%
-Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
-Jackasses.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
-		-- Jawaharlal Nehru
-%
-Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
-are right more than half of the time.
-		-- E. B. White
-%
-Democracy, n.:
-	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass
-meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
-Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
-Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
-whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
-prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
-Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
-		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
-		   since withdrawn.
-%
-Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
-board.  Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
-%
-Dentist, n.:
-	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
-coins out of one's pockets.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
-be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
-the table.
-		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
-%
-		DETERIORATA
-
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
-And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
-Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
-Rotate your tires.
-Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
-And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
-Know what to kiss -- and when.
-Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
-But that three do.
-Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
-Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
-And despite the changing fortunes of time,
-There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-
-	You are a fluke of the universe ...
-	You have no right to be here.
-	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
-	Is laughing behind your back.
-		-- National Lampoon
-%
-DeVries's Dilemma:
-	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
-hits the paper.
-%
-Did I say 2?  I lied.
-%
-Did you know ...
-
-That no-one ever reads these things?
-%
-Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
-them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
-%
-Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
-that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:
-
-	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
-	squirrel."
-
-		-- ihuxw!tommyo
-%
-Die, v.:
-	To stop sinning suddenly.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
-conventional thing to happen to him.
-		-- John Barrymore's dying words
-%
-Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
-%
-Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
-Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
-%
-Disc space -- the final frontier!
-%
-Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
-yours too."
-		-- Dave Haynie
-%
-Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
-employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
-coincidental.  Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
-non-deterministic.  The question of the existence of views in the
-absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
-The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
-the second god coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
-non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
-%
-Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
-%
-Distinctive, adj.:
-	A different color or shape than our competitors.
-%
-Distress, n.:
-	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
-injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
-damage inflicted on the vehicle.
-%
-Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
-%
-Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
-%
-Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
-anger.
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
-with ketchup.
-%
-Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
-Violators will be prosecuted.
-(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
-%
-Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
-%
-Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
-day as it comes.
-		-- Donald Kaul
-%
-Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
-%
-Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
-%
-Do you have lysdexia?
-%
-Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
-the time to take the dirt out of them?
-%
-"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
-"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
-"I've never done anything illegal before."
-"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
-%
-Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
-when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-		-- Dick Brandon
-%
-Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
-be good because the programmers hate it so much.
-%
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-%
-Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
-%
-Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
-		-- Golda Meir
-%
-Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
-%
-Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
-		-- Joe Cointment
-%
-"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
-
-They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They
-used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used
-finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used
-fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.
-They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.
-They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
-They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And
-what the hell, they caught him.
-
-		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
-Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
-%
-Don't feed the bats tonight.
-%
-Don't get even -- get odd!
-%
-Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
-misleading.  Debug only code.
-		-- Dave Storer
-%
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes
-you nothing.  It was here first.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
-%
-Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
-%
-Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
-%
-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
-%
-Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
-%
-Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
-%
-Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
-%
-Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
-%
-Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
-it today you can do it again tomorrow.
-%
-Don't say yes until I finish talking.
-		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
-%
-Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
-Cheat.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
-		-- "Brazil"
-%
-Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
-%
-Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
-%
-Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
-get more wax!!
-%
-Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
-avoiding you.
-		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
-%
-Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any
-good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-		-- Howard Aiken
-%
-Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
-tomorrow in Australia.
-		-- Charles Schultz
-%
-Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
-busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
-%
-Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
-%
-Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
-	pretty?
-W. C.:  Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
-	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
-	sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
-Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W. C.:	It's almost impossible.
-		-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
-		   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
-		Double Bucky
-	(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
-
-Double bucky, you're the one!
-You make my keyboard lots of fun
-	Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
-(Vo-vo-de-o!)
-Control and Meta side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
-	Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Oh, I sure wish that I,
-Had a couple of bits more!
-Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
-
-Double bucky, left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
-	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
-	Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
-	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-
-		-- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
-		(to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
-		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
-		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"])
-%
-Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
-	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
-fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
-strong belief in the tooth fairy.
-%
-Down with categorical imperative!
-%
-Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
-%
-Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
-	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
-of your eyes.
-%
-Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
-%
-Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
-%
-Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
-%
-Ducharme's Axiom:
-	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
-yourself as part of the problem.
-%
-Ducharme's Precept:
-	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
-%
-Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
-it holds the universe together.
-		-- Carl Zwanzig
-%
-Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
-has been discontinued.
-%
-Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
-and captain of your soul.
-%
-Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
-discontinued.
-%
-	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
-were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
-red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
-"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
-	"Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
-shot at mine, over there."
-%
-During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
-times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
-%
-Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have
-nothing whatever to do with it.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham (last words)
-%
-E Pluribus Unix
-%
-Eagleson's Law:
-	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
-months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is
-an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
-%
-Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
-%
-/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
-%
-Earth is a beta site.
-%
-Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
-		-- Jeff Berner
-%
-Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
-	Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
-cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
-the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
-means the puzzle is solved.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
-%
-Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Economics, n.:
-	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
-Galbraith ...
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
-would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it
-hasn't.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
-percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
-		-- Irsin Edman
-%
-Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
-		-- Bullwinkle Moose
-%
-Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
-people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
-comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
-the "nog" comes from.
-
-To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
-season, eggs...
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
-of being a damned fool.
-		-- Bellamy Brooks
-%
-Egotist, n.:
-	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ehrman's Commentary:
-	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
-	(2) Who said things would get better?
-%
-Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
-		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
-%
-Eleanor Rigby
-	Sits at the keyboard
-	And waits for a line on the screen
-Lives in a dream
-Waits for a signal
-	Finding some code
-	That will make the machine do some more.
-What is it for?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-
-Hacker MacKensie
-Writing the code for a program that no one will run
-It's nearly done
-Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there.
-What does he care?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-%
-Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
-%
-	Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
-called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
-have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
-most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the
-time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
-have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
-although God alone knows why it would want to.
-	The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
-direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes
-have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
-direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents
-harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Electrocution, n.:
-	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
-%
-Elevators smell different to midgets.
-%
-Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
-	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
-can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
-%
-Encyclopedia Salesmen:
-	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
-and tell them your house is being burgled.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
-Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Entropy isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
-otherwise require harder thinking.
-		-- Jerome Lettvin
-%
-Epperson's law:
-	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
-something his wife can beat him at.
-%
-Equal bytes for women.
-%
-Error in operator: add beer
-%
-Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
-	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
-Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
-	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Etymology, n.:
-	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
-were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
-from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
-("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
-		-- Mike Kellen
-%
-Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
-speak it to?
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
-States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
-day.
-%
-Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
-just how busy they are?
-%
-Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
-exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men."
-All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
-spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
-Would you please take my wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please
-take her right now.  No How about:  Would you like to take something?
-My wife is available.  No.  How about ..."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
-%
-Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
-%
-Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this
-woman and stop her.
-%
-Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one
-idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's
-sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
-of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
-highly-motivated, caustic twits.
-		-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
-%
-Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
-signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
-spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
-genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
-of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
-humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
-%
-Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
-
-Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
-front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
-odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
-and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
-legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
-there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
-of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
-color"], that does not exist.
-%
-Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-		-- Frank Moore Colby
-%
-Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
-%
-Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
-		-- Don Vonada
-%
-Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.
-%
-Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
-richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
-
-It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
-%
-Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
-instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
-program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
-%
-Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
-another for which it wasn't.
-%
-Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
-%
-Every solution breeds new problems.
-%
-Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
-guarantee of eventual success.
-%
-Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
-%
-Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
-		-- Beckett
-%
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-		-- Dykstra
-%
-Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
-%
-Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
-taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
-%
-Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
-realize it.
-%
-Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
-formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
-scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
-wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
-existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
-discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
-problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
-mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
-one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
-different way ...
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
-%
-Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
-no one we know belongs.
-%
-Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
-that a belch is more satisfying.
-		-- Ingmar Bergman
-%
-Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
-something you know.
-		-- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
-		   June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
-%
-Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
-%
-Everything you know is wrong!
-%
-Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
-obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
-solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
-There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
-straight lines.
-		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
-mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
-"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
-how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
-"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
-So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
-%
-Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
-%
-Excellent day to have a rotten day.
-%
-Excellent time to become a missing person.
-%
-Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
-acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
-%
-Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
-the work.
-		-- John G. Pollard
-%
-Expect the worst. It's the least you can do.
-%
-Expense Accounts, n.:
-	Corporate food stamps.
-%
-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-		-- Olivier
-%
-Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
-when you make it again.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
-the instruction afterward.
-%
-Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
-ones.
-%
-Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
-%
-Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
-%
-Expert, n.:
-	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
-%
-Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
-
-		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
-
-To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
-cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
-corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
-address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
-to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
-left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
-below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
-computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
-SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
-(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
-Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
-disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
-this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
-completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
-%
-F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
-%
-f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
-%
-F:	When into a room I plunge, I
-	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
-	Then I linger, darkly brooding
-	On the poison they're exuding.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
-%
-Fairy Tale, n.:
-	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
-%
-Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
-without looking to see whether the seeds move.
-%
-Faith, n:
-	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
-untrue.
-%
-Fakir, n:
-	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
-religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
-have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
-%
-Familiarity breeds attempt.
-%
-Families, when a child is born
-Want it to be intelligent.
-I, through intelligence,
-Having wrecked my whole life,
-Only hope the baby will prove
-Ignorant and stupid.
-Then he will crown a tranquil life
-By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-		-- Su Tung-p'o
-%
-Famous last words:
-%
-Famous last words:
-	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
-	(2) "You and what army?"
-	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
-	     a cop."
-%
-Famous last words:
-	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
-	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
-	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
-	(4) We won't need reservations.
-	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
-	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
-	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
-	(8) Don't worry!  Women love it!
-%
-Famous, adj.:
-	Conspicuously miserable.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
-Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
-Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
-utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
-forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
-are a pretty neat idea.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
-every six months.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Fats Loves Madelyn.
-%
-Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
-%
-Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
-neither will you.
-%
-	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
-other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
-the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
-d'oeuvres.
-	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
-to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
-Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
-piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
-	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
-inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
-other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
-placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
-the little hammers strike.
-	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
-their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
-Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.
-
-	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
-you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
-4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-%
-Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
-	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
-
-Corollary:
-	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
-%
-Fifth Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
-there is nothing important to do.
-%
-Fifty flippant frogs
-Walked by on flippered feet
-And with their slime they made the time
-Unnaturally fleet.
-%
-	FIGHTING WORDS
-
-Say my love is easy had,
-	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
-Say I am too often sad --
-	Still behold me at your side.
-
-Say I'm neither brave nor young,
-	Say I woo and coddle care,
-Say the devil touched my tongue --
-	Still you have my heart to wear.
-
-But say my verses do not scan,
-	And I get me another man!
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
-Carolina.
-%
-Finagle's Creed:
-	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
-	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-%
-Finagle's Fourth Law:
-	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
-it worse.
-%
-Finagle's Second Law:
-	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
-someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
-happened according to his own pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's Third Law:
-	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
-	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
-
-Corollaries:
-	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
-	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
-	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
-%
-Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
-on a rock.
-		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
-%
-Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
-%
-Fine's Corollary:
-	Functionality breeds Contempt.
-%
-Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
-
-	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
-
-Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
-
-	P.O. Box 35
-	Baffled Greek, Michigan
-%
-First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
-	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-		-- Pat Taber
-%
-First Law of Bicycling:
-	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
-wind.
-%
-First Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
-for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
-the deadline).
-%
-First Law of Socio-Genetics:
-	Celibacy is not hereditary.
-%
-First Rule of History:
-	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
-other.
-%
-First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
-		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-First, a few words about tools.
-
-Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
-the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
-injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
-you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
-particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
-granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-		-- Robert Firth
-%
-FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
-the little hand is on the ....
-%
-Flon's Law:
-	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
-the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
-%
-Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
-husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
-joules!"
-
-"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
-a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."
-
-"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
-in my burette ... We must call a copper."
-
-Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
-said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
-of Lawrence Ium.
-
-"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
-dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
-catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
-activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
-		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
-%
-flowchart, n. & v.:
-	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
-"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
-1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
-problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
-using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
-doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
-wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
-thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
-Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
-flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
-(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Flugg's Law:
-	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
-world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
-%
-Flying saucers on occasion
-	Show themselves to human eyes.
-Aliens fume, put off invasion
-	While they brand these tales as lies.
-%
-Fog Lamps, n.:
-	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
-fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
-driver's brain is in a fog.
-
-See also "Idiot Lights".
-%
-Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
-%
-For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
-%
-For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
-cat.
-%
-For an adequate time call 555-3321.
-%
-For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
-always old-fashioned.
-%
-For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
-and wrong.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-		-- R. Clopton
-%
-	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
-of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
-
-	"Whose?"
-
-	"MINE! HA-HA!"
-%
-For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
-%
-For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
-life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
-now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
-when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
-in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
-the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which
-means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
-advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
-the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
-names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
-("part of this complete breakfast").
-		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
-%
-For perfect happiness, remember two things:
-	(1) Be content with what you've got.
-	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
-%
-For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
-"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
-		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
-		   the U.S.
-%
-For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
-%
-For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
-a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
-computers altogether?
-		-- Jehan Shuman
-%
-For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
-phone calls taper off.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
-I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
-But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
-Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-		-- Justin Richardson
-%
-For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
-%
-Forgetfulness, n.:
-	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
-destitution of conscience.
-%
-Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6
-
-RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
-	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
-	arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
-	hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
-%
-fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
-
-	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
-	"Hey you, get off my plate"
-		-- Roger Midnight
-%
-Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
-	"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
-%
-Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
-
-		Don't Write On Walls!
-
-		   (and underneath)
-
-		You want I should type?
-%
-Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
-	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
-State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
-with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
-weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
-apply to female horses.
-%
-Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
-Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
-impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
-clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
-exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
-
-DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
-	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
-HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
-DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
-	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
-	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
-	 amounts of fertilization ...
-HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
-	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
-%
-Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
-
-	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
-%
-FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14
-
-Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
-liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
-light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
-drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
-
-Q:  Are you married?
-A:  No, I'm divorced.
-Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
-A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
-
-Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
-A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
-
-THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
-	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
-	   any ...
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
-
-Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
-A:  I will be three months November 8th.
-Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
-A:  Yes.
-Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
-
-Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
-A:  No.
-Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
-A:  Picking them up in the air.
-Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
-A:  Attached to the ears.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
-
-Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
-    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
-    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
-    him to the station?
-MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
-
-Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
-A:  By death.
-Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
-
-Q:  What is your name?
-A:  Ernestine McDowell.
-Q:  And what is your marital status?
-A:  Fair.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
-
-Q:  What happened then?
-A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
-    me."
-Q:  Did he kill you?
-A:  No.
-%
-fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
-%
-Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
-sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
-
-Oh, and have a nice day!
-		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
-%
-Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
-	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
-instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
-
-Corollary:
-	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
-except study for that instructor's course.
-%
-Fourth Law of Revision:
-	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
-interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
-%
-Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not
-almost one, it is damn near zero.
-		-- David Ellis
-%
-Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
-policeman's tie.
-%
-Fresco's Discovery:
-	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
-%
-Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
-Let me clue you in;
-I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
-The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
-The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
-Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
-If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
-And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
-Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
-So are they all, all cool cats, --
-Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
-%
-Frisbeetarianism, n.:
-	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
-gets stuck.
-%
-Frobnicate, v.:
-	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
-Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a
-frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
-sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
-manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
-search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
-turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
-he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
-screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
-turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
-%
-Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
-	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to
-electronic black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to
-FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
-FROBNODULE.  Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
-FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
-via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be
-applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
-%
-[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
-Association, in Rome]:
-
-The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
-and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
-spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
-or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
-millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
-reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
-engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
-president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
-schizophrenia in mass genocide.
-%
-From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
-
-Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
-the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the
-Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
-candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
-nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
-other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
-qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
-being nuts (unground)."
-%
-From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
-convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
-		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
-%
-[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
-in Japan]:
-
-The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
-MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
-featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
-against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
-"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
-Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
-operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
-
-And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
-achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
-HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
-%
-From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
-instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
-experience in sound:
-
-	5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
-	    sound is normal for this type of connector.
-%
-From too much love of living,
-From hope and fear set free,
-We thank with brief thanksgiving,
-Whatever gods may be,
-That no life lives forever,
-That dead men rise up never,
-That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
-		-- Swinburne
-%
-Fuch's Warning:
-	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
-enough to travel.
-%
-Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
-	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
-%
-Furbling, v.:
-	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
-even when you are the only person in line.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-		-- H. H. Williams
-%
-Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
-%
-G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
-of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
-secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
-`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
-that's your chance, my boy."
-%
-Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
-%
-Garter, n.:
-	An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
-stockings and desolating the country.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
-on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
-		-- Adventures of Asterix
-%
-Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
-
-	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
-than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
-	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
-Obvious, isn't it?
-	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
-speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
-long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
-your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
-so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
-individuals and then grow ...
-	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
-signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
-everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
-the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
-backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
-think not, my friend, I think not.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
-extracurricular activity except you."
-	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
-	"Only to ten, Mudhead."
-			-- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
-because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
-for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
-committing incest.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
-	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
-you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
-and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
-trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
-%
-Genderplex, n.:
-	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
-determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
-tortoises).
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
-you should.
-%
-Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
-handicapped.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Genius, n.:
-	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
-"bright".
-%
-George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
-		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-George Orwell was an optimist.
-%
-George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
-have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
-		-- Ashley Cooper
-%
-Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
-	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
-	    direction.
-	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
-	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
-	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
-	    much as to make the task totally impossible.
-%
-Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
-%
-			Get GUMMed
-			--- ------
-The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
-1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
-the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
-each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
-chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
-nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
-days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
-seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
-friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
-Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
-"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
-Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
-all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
-could tell them.
-		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
-%
-Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
-%
-			-- Gifts for Children --
-
-This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
-because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
-and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
-morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
-exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
-your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
-Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
-might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
-me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
-who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-			-- Gifts for Men --
-
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
-ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
-should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
-clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
-example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
-three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
-that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
-at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
-So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
-years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
-pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-
-If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
-than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-of tires.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-		Gimmie That Old Time Religion
-We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
-	(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
-	(chorus)
-
-CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
-Ginsberg's Theorem:
-	(1) You can't win.
-	(2) You can't break even.
-	(3) You can't even quit the game.
-
-Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
-	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
-	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
-	Theorem.  To wit:
-
-	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
-	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
-	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
-%
-Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
-to stand, and I will drain the world.
-%
-Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
-		-- Napoleon
-%
-Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
-%
-Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
-a new town.
-%
-Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
-%
-Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
-around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest.
-		-- Eric Clapton
-%
-Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
-Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP
-machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
-	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
-probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
-useful work done.
-%
-Gnagloot, n.:
-	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
-impress people.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
-%
-Go climb a gravity well!
-%
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
-be in owning a piece thereof.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
-%
-God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
-days and then pulled an all-nighter.
-%
-God doesn't play dice.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
-
-Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
-end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
-can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
-would he lie about a thing like that?
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
-The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
-not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
-... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
-smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
-water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
-the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
-night!
-		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
-%
-God is a polytheist.
-%
-God is Dead
-		-- Nietzsche
-Nietzsche is Dead
-		-- God
-Nietzsche is God
-		-- The Dead
-%
-God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
-%
-God is real, unless declared integer.
-%
-God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
-elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
-other things.
-		-- Pablo Picasso
-%
-God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-		-- Alfred Jarry
-%
-God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
-%
-God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
-%
-God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-		-- Kronecker
-%
-God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
-%
-God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
-%
-God rest ye CS students now,
-Let nothing you dismay.
-The VAX is down and won't be up,
-Until the first of May.
-The program that was due this morn,
-Won't be postponed, they say.
-
-	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
-	Comfort and joy,
-	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
-
-The bearings on the drum are gone,
-The disk is wobbling, too.
-We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
-Can't tell false from true.
-And now we find that we can't get
-At Berkeley's 4.2.
-
-	(chorus)
-%
-Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
-school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
-person a car.
-%
-Gold, n.:
-	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
-is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
-immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
-hasn't done anything to them.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Goldenstern's Rules:
-	(1) Always hire a rich attorney.
-	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
-%
-Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
-example.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
-%
-Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
-%
-Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
-%
-Good day to let down old friends who need help.
-%
-Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
-%
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-%
-Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
-%
-Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
-new lover.
-%
-Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
-		-- George Saunders' dying words
-%
-Gordon's first law:
-	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
-well.
-%
-Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
-time travel, you never can tell.
-		-- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
-%
-Got Mole problems?
-Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23
-%
-Goto, n.:
-	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
-to complain about unstructured programmers.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
-		-- John Updike, "Couples"
-%
-Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
-different lies.
-%
-Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
-any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
-doesn't know much.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Grabel's Law:
-	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
-%
-Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
-%
-Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
-%
-Grandpa Charnock's Law:
-	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-%
-Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks.
-%
-Gray's Law of Programming:
-	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
-time as `_n' tasks.
-
-Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
-	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
-%
-Great minds run in great circles.
-%
-	GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
-off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
-wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
-mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
-tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
-stood lookout.
-%
-Green light in A.M. for new projects.
-Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
-%
-Greener's Law:
-	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
-%
-Grelb's Reminder:
-	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
-average drivers.
-%
-Grub first, then ethics.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Gurmlish, n.:
-	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
-prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
-mouth.
-		-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Gyroscope, n.:
-	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
-free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
-other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
-mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
-other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
-offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
-torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
-		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
-%
-H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
-Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
-%
-H. L. Mencken's Law:
-	Those who can -- do.
-	Those who can't -- teach.
-
-Martin's Extension:
-	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
-%
-H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
-	Slice him up before he slays you.
-	Nothing makes you look a slob
-	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Hacker's Law:
-	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
-nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-%
-Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
-%
-Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
-and you would not have been informed.
-%
-Hail to the sun god
-He sure is a fun god
-Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
-%
-Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
-enough majority in any town?
-		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
-%
-Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
-%
-Half-done:
-	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
-crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
-between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
-the difference between life and death.
-	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
-there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
-airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
-Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
-Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
-about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
-man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
-	Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Hall's Laws of Politics:
-	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
-	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
-	    fixed.
-	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
-	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
-	    their own districts).
-%
-Hand, n.:
-	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
-commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hanlon's Razor:
-	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
-stupidity.
-%
-Hanson's Treatment of Time:
-	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
-before Saturday.
-%
-Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
-		-- Oscar Levant
-%
-Happiness, n.:
-	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
-another.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
-%
-Hardware, n.:
-	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-%
-Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand
-convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
-		-- Tobias Smollet
-%
-Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
-The Duke is fond of kittens
-He likes to take their insides out
-And use them for his mittens
-	From "The Thirteen Clocks"
-%
-Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
-Advertising wondrous things.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Harris's Lament:
-	All the good ones are taken.
-%
-Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
-	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
-ruined.
-%
-Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
-makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
-famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
-probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
-have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
-enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
-attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
-down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
-just like Richard Nixon."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
-%
-Hartley's First Law:
-	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
-on his back, you've got something.
-%
-Hartley's Second Law:
-	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-%
-Harvard Law:
-	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
-temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
-do as it damn well pleases.
-%
-"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
-"Yes, I don't have one."
-"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
-		-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
-%
-Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
-typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
-keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
-of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
-not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
-%
-		        Has your family tried 'em?
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
-	   They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
-	   strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
-	biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
-			 that indicate freshness.
-%
-Hatred, n.:
-	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
-superiority.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Have an adequate day.
-%
-Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
-to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
-non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
-
-Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
-still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
-only serves to blunt the warning signs.
-
-		Long live the revolution!
-		Have a nice day.
-%
-Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
-you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
-for play?
-%
-Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs,
-I mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container
-filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
-sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in
-their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
-mass murderers.  They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
-they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-"Have you lived here all your life?"
-"Oh, twice that long."
-%
-Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
-crack in your sidewalk?
-%
-Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
-sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-Have you reconsidered a computer career?
-%
-He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
-effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
-perversion.
-		-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
-%
-He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
-		-- Stephen Leacock
-%
-He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
-perfectly delightful.
-		-- Sydney Smith
-%
-He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
-heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
-of ever behaving "normally."
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-%
-He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
-		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
-%
-He thought he saw an albatross
-That fluttered 'round the lamp.
-He looked again and saw it was
-A penny postage stamp.
-"You'd best be getting home," he said,
-"The nights are rather damp."
-%
-He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
-		-- Jonathan Swift
-%
-He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable.
-%
-He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
-%
-He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
-attacks democracy itself.
-		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
-%
-He who Laughs, Lasts.
-%
-He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ...
-%
-He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
-there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
-%
-He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ...
-%
-HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
-SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
-		-- Walt Kelley
-%
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-%
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
-of nothing.
-		-- Redd Foxx
-%
-Heaven, n.:
-	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
-their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
-expound your own.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Heavy, adj.:
-	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
-%
-Heisenberg may have slept here.
-%
-Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-		-- Milton Friedman
-%
-Heller's Law:
-	The first myth of management is that it exists.
-
-Johnson's Corollary:
-	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
-organization.
-%
-"Hello," he lied.
-		-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
-%
-Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
-%
-Help fight continental drift.
-%
-Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
-%
-Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
-%
-Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
-%
-HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
-		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
-%
-Her locks an ancient lady gave
-Her loving husband's life to save;
-And men -- they honored so the dame --
-Upon some stars bestowed her name.
-
-But to our modern married fair,
-Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
-No stellar recognition's given.
-There are not stars enough in heaven.
-%
-Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
-Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...
-%
-Here I sit, broken-hearted,
-All logged in, but work unstarted.
-First net.this and net.that,
-And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
-
-The boss comes by, and I play the game,
-Then I turn back to net.flame.
-Is there a cure (I need your views),
-For someone trapped in net.news?
-
-I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
-'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
-%
-Here in my heart, I am Helen;
-	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
-I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
-	I'm Salome, moon of the East.
-
-Here in my soul I am Sappho;
-	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
-In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
-	With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
-
-I'm all of the glamorous ladies
-	At whose beckoning history shook.
-But you are a man, and see only my pan,
-	So I stay at home with a book.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
-lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
-your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
-Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
-pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
-but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
-important electrical lesson.
-
-It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
-your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
-objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
-attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
-collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
-friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
-carpet, thus completing the circuit.
-
-Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
-touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
-finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
-have carpeting.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
-month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
-are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
-	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
-(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
-tadpole".
-	Bite the wax tadpole.
-	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
-	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
-hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
-bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
-but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
-		-- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
-`Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-		-- Jay Leno
-%
-Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
-then they'd be algorithms.
-%
-Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
-reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
-nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
-%
-"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
-As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
-equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
-Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
-probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
-course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
-experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
-of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
-
-"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
-motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
-%
-Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
-Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
-Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
-Weil es uns duenkt, er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
-					We buried him today because
-					As far as we can tell, he's dead.
-		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue
-		   Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
-		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
-%
-Higgledy Piggledy,
-Hamlet of Elsinore
-Ruffled the critics by
-Dropping this bomb:
-"Phooey on Freud and his
-Psychoanalysis --
-Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
-I just loved Mom."
-%
-Hindsight is an exact science.
-%
-Hippogriff, n.:
-	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
-The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
-The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
-is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
-of surprises.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hire the morally handicapped.
-%
-His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
-money, he went to Southern California.
-%
-His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
-%
-History is curious stuff
-	You'd think by now we had enough
-Yet the fact remains I fear
-	They make more of it every year.
-%
-History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
-%
-History, n.:
-	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
-learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from
-what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long
-view.
-		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-Hlade's Law:
-	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
-will find an easier way to do it.
-%
-Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
-	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
-%
-Hofstadter's Law:
-	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
-Hofstadter's Law into account.
-%
-Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
-		-- Rex Reed
-%
-	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
-willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
-for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
-"shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home
-centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
-trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
-because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
-object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
-	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
-broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
-a replacement.  The employee, who has never in his life even seen the
-inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
-same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
-an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
-these sometime around the middle of next week".
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
-The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
-		-- Chris Shaw
-%
-Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-%
-Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
-		-- F. M. Hubbard
-%
-Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
-%
-Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-%
-Honorable, adj.:
-	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
-bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
-honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Horngren's Observation:
-	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
-%
-Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
-people.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
-%
-Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
-		-- Neil Armstrong
-%
-How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
-%
-How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
-%
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-%
-How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
-%
-How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
-		-- Elliot, "E.T."
-%
-How doth the little crocodile
-	Improve his shining tail,
-And pour the waters of the Nile
-	On every golden scale!
-
-How cheerfully he seems to grin,
-	How neatly spreads his claws,
-And welcomes little fishes in,
-	With gently smiling jaws!
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
-%
-How doth the VAX's C compiler
-Improve its object code.
-And even as we speak does it
-Increase the system load.
-
-How patiently it seems to run
-And spit out error flags,
-While users, with frustration, all
-Tear their clothes to rags.
-%
-How I love to watch the morn,
-	With golden sun that shines,
-Up above to nicely warm
-	These frosty toes of mine.
-
-The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
-	Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
-It must have blown through someone's feet,
-	Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger.
-		-- P. Opus (Bloom County)
-%
-How doth the VAX's C-compiler
-Improve its object code.
-And even as we speak does it
-Increase the system load.
-
-How patiently it seems to run
-And spit out error flags,
-While users, with frustration, all
-Tear all their clothes to rags.
-%
-How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
-on.
-%
-How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None: "We'll fix it in software."
-
-How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None: "We'll document it in the manual."
-
-How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None: "The user can work it out."
-%
-How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
-carried by a waiter at a nice party?
-
-Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
-d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
-what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
-say:  "This is cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it
-back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another
-cheese!" and so on.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there are
-3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
-who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
-nanocentury.
-		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
-%
-How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
-%
-How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
-	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
-%
-Howe's Law:
-	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
-%
-However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
-manner ... sulking and nausea.
-		-- Tom K. Ryan
-%
-HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
-motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
-amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
-The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
-Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
-bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
-the bill.  Agreed to.
-		-- Albuquerque Journal
-%
-	Hug O' War
-
-I will not play at tug o' war.
-I'd rather play at hug o' war,
-Where everyone hugs
-Instead of tugs,
-Where everyone giggles
-And rolls on the rug,
-Where everyone kisses,
-And everyone grins,
-And everyone cuddles,
-And everyone wins.
-		-- Shel Silverstein
-%
-Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
-%
-Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
-1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
-operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral
-catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
-his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
-the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
-Nobel Prize.
-%
-Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
-%
-Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
-		-- William Gilbert
-%
-Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
-	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
-to ..... to ........ uh ..............
-%
-I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
-professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
-other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-
-What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
-have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
-This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
-reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go
-buy some more.
-		-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
-%
-I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
-%
-I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
-		-- Paul McCracken
-%
-I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
-		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
-		-- English Professor
-%
-I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
-great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
-has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-		-- English Professor, Ohio University
-%
-I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
-with an option to buy.
-%
-I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
-%
-I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
-of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
-you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
-atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
-inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering.
-		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
-%
-I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
-the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
-you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
-		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
-		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
-%
-I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
-argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
-steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
-they don't even invite me.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I bet the human brain is a kludge.
-		-- Marvin Minsky
-%
-I brake for chezlogs!
-%
-I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
-		-- Biff Barf
-%
-I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
-prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
-bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
-relentless day.
-		-- Betty MacDonald
-%
-I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
-%
-I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
-25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
-true.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I can resist anything but temptation.
-%
-I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-		-- Joe Walsh
-%
-I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-		-- Florence Henderson
-%
-I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
-understand it.
-		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
-%
-I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
-novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-		-- Lillian Hellman
-%
-I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
-of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
-		-- F. H. Wales (1936)
-%
-I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
-
-What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
-grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
-of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
-United States would have lost World War II."
-		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
-%
-	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
-	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
-	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
-	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
-	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
-	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
-	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
-	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
-	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
-	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
-instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
-standing still ...
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
-dance with the cows till you come home.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps
-the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ...
-		-- Peter Oakley
-%
-I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
-%
-I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The
-curtain was up.
-%
-	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
-we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
-leads to violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
-in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
-time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
-library, we could call each other up:
-
-     You: Hello?  Bob?
-     Bob: Yes?
-     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
-          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
-     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
-     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
-	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
-	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
-	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
-	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
-	  have to get back to you.
-     Bob: Fine.
-		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
-exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
-minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
-accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
-mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the
-bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
-different.
-		-- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
-%
-I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
-with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
-		-- Galileo Galilei
-%
-I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
-don't believe in astrology.
-		-- James R. F. Quirk
-%
-I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
-a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
-numbers!!
-%
-I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
-a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
-nominating.
-		-- Boss Tweed
-%
-I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
-people waiting to abuse me.
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
-		-- Elvis Presley
-%
-	"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
-	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
-till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
-you!'"
-	"But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
-objected.
-	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
-tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
-less."
-	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
-so many different things."
-	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
-that's all."
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
-eat it, and I just hate it.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
-		-- Ronald Mabbitt
-%
-I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
-streets and frighten the horses.
-		-- Victor Hugo
-%
-I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
-%
-"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
-%
-I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
-hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.
-%
-I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
-the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
-thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
-broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
-Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
-their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
-		-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
-		   COMING!"
-%
-I doubt, therefore I might be.
-%
-I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
-on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
-he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
-becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I drink to make other people interesting.
-		-- George Jean Nathan
-%
-I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
-so I woke up from sheer boredom.
-%
-I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
-accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
-the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
-can't be measured in monetary terms.
-
-Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
-that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
-subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
-someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
-understand his long delay.
-%
-I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words.
-%
-I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
-reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-		-- Gautama Buddha
-%
-I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
-minutes of my life!
-%
-I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I get up each morning, gather my wits.
-	Pick up the paper, read the obits.
-If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
-	So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-%
-I get up each morning, gather my wits.
-Pick up the paper, read the obits.
-If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
-So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-
-Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
-My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
-But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
-And think of the places my get-up has been.
-		-- Pete Seeger
-%
-I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella
-in the world.
-		-- Peter da Silva
-%
-I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
-Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!
-		-- Mary Lou Bax
-%
-I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
-%
-I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
-it's going to be up all night.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I hate quotations.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-I have a simple philosophy:
-
-	Fill what's empty.
-	Empty what's full.
-	Scratch where it itches.
-		-- A. R. Longworth
-%
-I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
-any time!
-%
-I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
-which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
-and they never believe me.
-		-- Camillo Di Cavour
-%
-I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
-		-- Edgar Allan Poe
-%
-I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You
-sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
-eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I
-have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
-beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a
-guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as more
-of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
-		-- President Harry S. Truman
-%
-I have learned
-To spell hors d'oeuvres
-Which still grates on
-Some people's n'oeuvres.
-		-- Warren Knox
-%
-I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
-that I have never made one.
-		-- James Gordon Bennett
-%
-I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
-make it shorter.
-		-- Blaise Pascal
-%
-I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
-____BODY!
-		-- from "Cerebus" #82
-%
-I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
-scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
-		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
-%
-I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
-his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
-beating up a child.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
-at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-		-- Poul Anderson
-%
-I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
-%
-I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
-%
-I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
-%
-I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-		-- Bill Hoest
-%
-I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
-%
-I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
-War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
-The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
-		-- Charles Schulz
-%
-I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
-		-- Art Leo
-%
-I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
-promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
-peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
-the way and let them have it.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
-%
-I like your game but we have to change the rules.
-%
-I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what
-entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
-		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
-%
-"I love to eat them Smurfies
- Smurfies what I love to eat
- Bite they ugly heads off,
- Nibble on they bluish feet."
-%
-I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
-don't let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the
-speed of light.
-		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
-%
-I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
-week sometimes to make it up.
-		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
-%
-I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
-%
-I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
-was to go away.
-%
-I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
-%
-I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
-		-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
-%
-I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
-kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
-substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no
-restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
-made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
-powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
-nerve disease.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
-%
-I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
-		-- William F. Buckley
-%
-	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
-that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
-more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
-might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
-otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
-otherwise.'"
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
-%
-I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that
-the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
-congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
-so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
-plumber.
-
-But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
-as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
-the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
-win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
-write about, such as nose-picking.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-I really hate this damned machine
-I wish that they would sell it.
-It never does quite what I want
-But only what I tell it.
-%
-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
-%
-I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
-they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
-I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
-Bernoulli would have been content to die
-Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-I sent a letter to the fish,
-I told them, "This is what I wish."
-The little fishes of the sea,
-They sent an answer back to me.
-The little fishes' answer was
-"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
-I sent a letter back to say
-It would be better to obey.
-But someone came to me and said
-"The little fishes are in bed."
-I said to him, and I said it plain
-"Then you must wake them up again."
-I said it very loud and clear,
-I went and shouted in his ear.
-But he was very stiff and proud,
-He said "You needn't shout so loud."
-And he was very proud and stiff,
-He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
-I took a kettle from the shelf,
-I went to wake them up myself.
-But when I found the door was locked
-I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
-And when I found the door was shut,
-I tried to turn the handle, But ...
-
-	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
-	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
-		-- Graffito in Los Angeles
-%
-"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
-supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
-actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
-		   Points in l'Amour"
-%
-I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
-house and four people died.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
-see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-		-- Shirley Temple
-%
-I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
-too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
-direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
-much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
-tub to face is up.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
-because I couldn't remember the proof.
-		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
-%
-I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
-%
-I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
-and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
-country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
-in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly
-not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A billboard lovely as a tree.
-Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
-I'll never see a tree at all.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A thing as lovely as a tree.
-But as you see the trees have gone
-They went this morning with the dawn.
-A logging firm from out of town
-Came and chopped the trees all down.
-But I will trick those dirty skunks
-And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
-%
-I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
-to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
-farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
-into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
-the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
-off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
-color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
-out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
-singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
-		-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
-%
-I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
-... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
-we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
-When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
-are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
-driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
-Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
-were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
-conversation ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
-"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
-%
- ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
-pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
-twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
-%
-I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
-%
-I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
-%
-I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
-body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
-		-- Emo Phillips
-%
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
-near the place.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
-animals.  I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
-anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
-safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
-warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
-Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
-HAW"!!'
-		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
-%
-I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
-anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
-a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
-up.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
-put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
-what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
-should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
-get off my driveway.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
-didn't know.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
-their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
-buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
-		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
-%
-I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
-house and four people died.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
-it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
-stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
-I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
-absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
-developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
-Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
-temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
-chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
-the point where it would not run at all.
-		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
-		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
-%
-I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
-questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
-speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
-
-He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
-for him then.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in
-the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
-included.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
-statues that are in all the other museums.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
-it took seven others to beat him!
-%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
-There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
-always worked for me.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
-to undo it.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
-Julian to Gregorian.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
-static cling.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
-cottage cheese sculpture.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
-need worrying about.
-%
-I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
-%
-I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
-carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
-I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
-		-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
-%
-I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
-listen to it!
-		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
-%
-I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
-Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
-And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
-And in our bound partition never part.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
-That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
-		-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
-%
-I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
-%
-I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
-%
-I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
-%
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler
-I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
-I'll tell some power broker
-	What they did for Iacocca
-Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
-I'm heading for that great receiving line.
-When they hand a million grand out,
-	I'll be standing with my hand out,
-Yessir, I'll get mine!
-		-- Tom Paxton
-%
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-%
-I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
-die in.
-		-- George McGovern
-%
-I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
-		-- Spider Robinson
-%
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
-KOSHER DELI!!
-%
-I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
-		-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
-%
-I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
-living apart.
-		-- e. e. cummings
-%
-I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
-N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
-I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
-She's traversed me seven times before.
-And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
-I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
-N-ary the tree I am, I am,
-N-ary the tree I am.
-%
-I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
-%
-I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
-%
-I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
--- I could be just as proud for half the money.
-		-- Arthur Godfrey
-%
-I'm rated PG-34!!
-%
-I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
-soon ...
-%
-I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
-(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
-		-- English Professor, Providence College
-%
-I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
-I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
-In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
-I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
-%
-I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives
-%
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General
-For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
-My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
-My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
-My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
-You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
-There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
-My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
-
-I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
-There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
-Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-
-		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
-		   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
-		   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
-%
-I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
-%
-I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
-this little hole in the bottom ...
-		-- John Croll
-%
-I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-%
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
-on the same day.
-%
-I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer.
-%
-I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
-		-- Senator Claghorn
-%
-I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab.
-I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate.
-All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week.
-Time to die...
-		-- Peter Gutmann
-%
-I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
-And from that full meridian of my glory
-I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
-Like a bright exhalation in the evening
-And no man see me more.
-		-- William Shakespeare
-%
-IBM had a PL/I,
-	Its syntax worse than JOSS;
-And everywhere this language went,
-	It was a total loss.
-%
-Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
-of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
-%
-Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
-solitary confinement.
-%
-Idiot Box, n.:
-	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
-stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Idiot, n.:
-	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
-affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
-at about 30 miles/second.
-		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
-%
-If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-		-- Roy Santoro
-%
-If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
-		-- Paul White
-%
-If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
-forecast is a camel's behind.
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y
-is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
-passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
-hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
-it votes guilty.
-		-- Joseph C. Goulden
-%
-If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
-him up.
-%
-If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
-%
-If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
-dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
-maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
-must drop.  The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
-attitude.  If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
-playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --
-unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
-can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
-		-- Sparky Anderson
-%
-If all be true that I do think,
-There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
-Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
-Or lest we should be by-and-by,
-Or any other reason why.
-%
-If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
-error.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
-platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
-that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
-%
-If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-		-- Paul Beatty
-%
-If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
-conclusion.
-		-- William Baumol
-%
-If an S and an I and an O and a U
-With an X at the end spell Su;
-And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
-Pray what is a speller to do?
-Then, if also an S and an I and a G
-And an HED spell side,
-There's nothing much left for a speller to do
-But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
-%
-If anything can go wrong, it will.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-%
-If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
-tellers?
-%
-If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
-%
-If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
-%
-If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
-around a deal faster.
-		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
-%
-... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
-the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
-asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
-to a can.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
-%
-If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
-green, baggy skin.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
-%
-If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
-invent it.
-%
-If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
-hands.
-%
-If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
-%
-If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
-%
-If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
-		-- Yiddish saying
-%
-If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
-		-- Marvin Kitman
-%
-If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
-replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
-%
-If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-If I don't drive around the park,
-I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
-If I'm in bed each night by ten,
-I may get back my looks again.
-If I abstain from fun and such,
-I'll probably amount to much;
-But I shall stay the way I am,
-Because I do not give a damn.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
-%
-If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
-plantation and go home.
-		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
-%
-If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-		-- Ted Turner
-%
-If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
-shoulders of giants.
-		-- Isaac Newton
-
-In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
-with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-		-- Gerald Holton
-
-If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
-on my shoulders.
-		-- Hal Abelson
-
-In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-		-- Brian K. Reid
-%
-If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
-
-On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
-also a psychological interaction.
-
-The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
-friendly.
-
-The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
-		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
-As Dame Fortune did intend,
-Murphy would be there to tell me
-The pot's at the other end.
-		-- Bert Whitney
-%
-If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
-%
-If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
-%
-If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
-They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
-of it.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
-forgot to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
-just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
-And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
-pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
-And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
-think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
-receive Net Mail ...
- 		-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
-%
-If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
-%
-If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
-you've got in the house.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
-the page number.
-%
-If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
-%
-If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
-little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
-Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
-%
-If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
-in my name at a Swiss bank.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
-%
-If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
-having to accomplish anything.
-%
-If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
-he should see how bad it is with representation.
-%
-If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
-arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
-physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
-entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
-		-- Vannevar Bush
-%
-If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
-harder.
-		-- Pope John Paul I
-%
-If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
-		-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
-%
-If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
-presumably flunk it.
-		-- Stanley Garn
-%
-If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-		-- Norm Schryer
-%
-If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
-get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
-See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
-the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
-that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
-college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
-and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
-rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
-Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
-interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
-opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
-himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
-boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
-		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
-%
-If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
-are 50-50 it will.
-%
-If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
-If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
-If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance
-will exceed all expectations.
-		-- Reverend Chichester
-%
-If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
-%
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
-will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-%
-If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-		-- Art Hoppe
-%
-If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
-something out of you.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
-%
-If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
-%
-If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
-%
-If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
-yesterday?
-%
-If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
-doing the thinking.
-		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
-%
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-		-- Laurence J. Peter
-%
-If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely
-%
-If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
-%
-If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
-in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
-qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-		-- Marguerite Emmons
-%
-If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
-		-- Ann Edwards-Duff
-%
-If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-		-- J. Paul Getty
-%
-If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
-%
-If you can read this, you're too close.
-%
-If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
-%
-If you can't be good, be careful.
-If you can't be careful, give me a call.
-%
-If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
-%
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
-%
-If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
-		-- Clarence Day
-%
-If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
-		-- Freeman Dyson
-%
-If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
-Lavoris in the toilet.
-		-- Jay Leno
-%
-If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
-either of you for the rest of the day.
-%
-If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
-have to get a toehold in the public eye.
-%
-If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
-will.
-%
-If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
-will always do it.
-		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
-%
-If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
-make the rubble bounce.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
-%
-If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
-%
-If you have to hate, hate gently.
-%
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
-boot yourself in the posterior.
-		-- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
-%
-If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
-%
-If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
-		-- Graham Summer
-%
-If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
-people die past the age of a hundred.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
-but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
-%
-If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-		-- Maslow
-%
-If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
-can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
-develop.
-%
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
-you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
-you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
-ice, but no cup.
-%
-If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
-this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
-somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
-%
-If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
-the sucker.
-%
-If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
-%
-If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
-%
-If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
-tomorrow!
-%
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
-payments.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
-don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
-		-- Bruce Schneier
-%
-If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
-		-- Arthur Kasspe
-%
-If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
-shopping center in the world?
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
-be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
-you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be expected to throw
-another party next year.
-
-What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
-several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
-been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
-avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
-parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
-having another one ...
-
-If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
-your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
-through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
-that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
-someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
-end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
-%
-If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
-		-- A. L.
-%
-If you want divine justice, die.
-		-- Nick Seldon
-%
-If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
-he gave it to.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
-Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
-statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
-telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
-titles beginning with the word "National".
-		-- George Will
-%
-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
-word you say, talk in your sleep.
-%
-If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
-memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
-even if they don't know what it means.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
-%
-If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
-%
-If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
-tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-		-- Henny Youngman
-%
-If you're happy, you're successful.
-%
-	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
-around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
-explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
-"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
-deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
-better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
-with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
-you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
-successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
-	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
-You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How
-difficult can it be?"
-	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,
-which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying
-other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
-yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-%
-If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
-%
-If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
-off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
-%
-If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Ignisecond, n.:
-	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
-door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
-	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
-Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
-	Et le m^omerade horgrave.
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-Iles's Law:
-	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
-at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
-Neither will Iles.
-%
-Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
-land He's trying to ignore.
-%
-Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-		-- Jules de Gaultier
-%
-Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
-usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
-thinks of complaining.
-		-- Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
-%
-Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
-a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
-storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
-voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
-What's the first question that the computer community asks?
-
-"Is it PC compatible?"
-%
-Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-		-- Jack Paar
-%
-Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-Impartial, adj.:
-	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
-espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
-conflicting opinions.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
-mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
-Boss is reading it.
-%
-Impossible, adj.:
-	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
-	(2) I can't be bothered;
-	(3) God can't be bothered.
-Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
-		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
-stairs.
-%
-In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
-%
-In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
-get parts.
-%
-In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
-creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
-%
-In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
-syrup.
-%
-In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
-we can't control when the five year period will begin.
-%
-	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
-junior, what are you up to?"
-	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
-rabbit.
-	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
-	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."  They both go into the
-rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
-expression on his face.
-	Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
-	"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
-devour wolves."
-	"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"
-	"Come with me and I'll show you."  As before, the rabbit comes
-out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
-Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
-should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
-next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
-
-The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
-it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
-%
-In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
-Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-		-- Frank Mankiewicz
-%
-In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
-"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
-with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
-this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
-%
-In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
-sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All
-those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
-devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
-as a human sperm, please raise your hands.  Thank you.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
-of the risks he takes.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
-incompetency
-		-- The Peter Principle
-%
-In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
-are to be treated as variables.
-%
-In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
-nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
-		-- Stuart Keate
-%
-In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
-at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
-%
-In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
-%
-In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
-will be temporarily canceled.
-%
-In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
-make it better.
-%
-In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
-a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
-to get her attention.
-%
-In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
-in any motor vehicle.
-%
-In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
-		-- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery
-%
-In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
-neighbor.
-%
-In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
-%
-In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
-resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
-inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
-programming languages.
-%
-In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
-the sidewalks when a concert is on.
-%
-In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
-into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
-between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
-will only make it mushy.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
-pocket.
-%
-In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
-pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
-either flying or waiting to board a plane.
-%
-In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
-there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
-flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-%
-In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
-to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
-speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
-%
-In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
-universe.
-		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
-%
-In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
-intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
-the cares of office.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
-and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
-%
-In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
-of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
-view."
-%
-In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
-Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
-Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
-We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
-is over six feet in length.
-%
-In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian.
-%
-In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
-%
-In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
-moving automobile.
-%
-[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You
-could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense
-that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
-
-And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
-over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we
-didn't need that.  Our energy would simply `prevail'.  There was no
-point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;
-we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
-
-So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
-Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
-___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
-rolled back.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-In the beginning was the word.
-But by the time the second word was added to it,
-there was trouble.
-For with it came syntax ...
-		-- John Simon
-%
-In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
-hacking at the PDP-6.  "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.  "I am
-training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."  "Why is the
-net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.  "I do not want it to have any
-preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes.  "Why do you
-close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.  "So the room will be
-empty."  At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
-%
-In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
-the proper order then why can't he?
-%
-In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
-Dead.
-		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
-%
-In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
-a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
-to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
-forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you
-stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
-punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
-enough to punch you.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
-shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the
-Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
-three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
-from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
-... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
-wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
-fact.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
-drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
-discotheques.
-		-- Art Linkletter
-%
-In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
-my advice.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
-the supervision of a licensed engineer.
-%
-In West Union, Ohio, no married man can go flying without his spouse
-along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
-%
-Incumbent, n.:
-	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
-smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
-not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
-		-- Stephen Crane
-%
-Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
-%
-Individualists unite!
-%
-Infancy, n.:
-	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
-lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon
-afterward.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Information Center, n.:
-	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
-to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
-%
-Ingrate, n.:
-	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
-indigestion.
-%
-Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-Ink, n.:
-	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
-water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
-intellectual crime.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Innovation is hard to schedule.
-		-- Dan Fylstra
-%
-Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
-%
-Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
-salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
-%
-Interpreter, n.:
-	One who enables two persons of different languages to
-understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
-the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
-%
-I/O, I/O,
-It's off to disk I go,
-A bit or byte to read or write,
-I/O, I/O, I/O
-%
-	INVENTORY
-Four be the things I am wiser to know:
-Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
-
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-
-Three be the things I shall never attain:
-Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
-
-Three be the things I shall have till I die:
-Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-%
-Iron Law of Distribution:
-	Them that has, gets.
-%
-Irrationality is the square root of all evil
-		-- Douglas Hofstadter
-%
-Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
-meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
-soap bubble?
-%
-Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
-beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
-out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-		-- Ralph Emerson
-%
-Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
-%
-Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
-listen to weather forecasts and economists?
-		-- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
-tellers take economists seriously?
-%
-Issawi's Laws of Progress:
-
-	The Course of Progress:
-		Most things get steadily worse.
-
-	The Path of Progress:
-		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
-as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
-had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
-"What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed
-Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
-came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
-this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
-Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
-To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
-your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
-"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
-%
-It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown
-came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and
-applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I
-think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
-wits, who believe that it is a joke.
-		-- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
-thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
-drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
-that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
-one can learn."
-		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
-%
-It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
-been searching for evidence which could support this.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
-%
-It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
-program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
-organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
-self-critical?
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
-Urbana, Illinois.
-%
-It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
-not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
-and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
-mature human beings ...
-		-- Playboy, January 1983
-%
-It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
-pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
-sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
-they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always
-assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had
-achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst
-all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having
-a good time.  But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that
-they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same
-reasons.
-
-Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
-destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert
-mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
-misinterpreted ...
-
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
-coming up it.
-		-- Henry Allen
-%
-It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
-One in a million, perhaps.
-%
-It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
-%
-It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
-benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
-to use either.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
-incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
-twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-		-- Rod Serling
-%
-It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
-lightly greased.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
-proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
-a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
-treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
-focus of attention, the harder the task.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
-%
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-%
-It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
-%
-It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
-if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
-people.
-		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
-Boulevard at one time.
-%
-It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
-%
-It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
-a tune.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
-ingenious.
-%
-It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
-desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
-offense consists in doubting it.
-		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
-%
-It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
-problem.
-%
-It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
-privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
-corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
-damn thing over and over.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
-		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
-%
-It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
-%
-It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
-virginity could be a virtue.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
-dignity.
-%
-It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
-to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-		-- Havelock Ellis
-%
-It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
-students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
-programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
-regeneration.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
-lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
-high as the eagle?
-%
-It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
-statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
-glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
-which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the
-day, that is the highest of arts.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
-%
-It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
-crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
-until the other has gone.
-%
-It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-		-- Hawkwind
-%
-It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
-five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
-it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
-%
-It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
-future.
-%
-It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
-%
-It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
-good either if you speak when your head is empty.
-%
-It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
-warning to others.
-%
-It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory
-		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
-%
-It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
-flag.
-%
-It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
-municipality.
-		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
-%
-It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
-but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
-		-- Robert Benchly
-%
-It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
-%
-It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.
-%
-It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
-breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
-broken ...
-		-- James Dent
-%
-It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
-I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
-don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
-the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
-charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
-novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
-yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
-man a lifetime.
-		-- Thomas Aldrich
-%
-	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
-	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
-		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
-the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
-%
-It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
-the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
-%
-It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
-nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
-examples.
-		-- Charles Dickens
-%
-It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
-warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
-two things still safe to eat.
-		-- Robert Fuoss
-%
-It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-		-- Andrew Jackson
-%
-It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-		-- Cheers
-%
-It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
-%
-It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-"It's a summons."
-"What's a summons?"
-"It means summon's in trouble."
-		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
-%
-It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-		-- Churchy La Femme
-%
-It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
-%
-It's bad luck to be superstitious.
-		-- Andrew W. Mathis
-%
-It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
-		-- Marty Winch
-%
-"It's easier said than done."
-
-... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
-said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
-said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
-done".
-%
-It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-%
-It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
-being right.
-%
-It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
-		-- Macy's
-%
-It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
-%
-It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
-is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
-isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-		-- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
-%
-It's just a jump to the left
-	And then a step to the right.
-Put your hands on your hips
-	And pull your knees in tight.
-But it's the pelvic thrust
-	That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
-
-	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
-
-		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-		-- Walt Disney
-%
-"It's Like This"
-
-Even the samurai
-have teddy bears,
-and even the teddy bears
-get drunk.
-%
-It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
-direction.
-%
-It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
-%
-It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
-		-- Sam Goldwyn
-%
-It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
-to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-		-- Phil White
-%
-It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
-		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
-%
-It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
-		-- Alexander Korda
-%
-It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
-		-- Cal Keegan
-%
-It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
-what you're taking for it...
-%
-It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
-the ground.
-		-- Daniel B. Luten
-%
-It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
-happens.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
-		-- Garfield
-%
-It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
-English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
-other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
-%
-It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
-%
-It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
-Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
-%
-It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
-raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
-not to.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-It's the thought, if any, that counts!
-%
-		     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
-			  by Mark Isaak
-
-	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
-character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
-hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
-are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
-BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
-to him.
-	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
-he met the traveling salesman.
-	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
-in high-level language.
-	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
-and Apples," commented Jack.
-	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
-there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
-	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
-he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
-started thrashing.
-	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
-kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-window ...
-%
-Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
-	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
-legislature is in session.
-%
-James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
-indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
-		-- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Jenkinson's Law:
-	It won't work.
-%
-Jesus Saves,
-Moses Invests,
-But only Buddha pays Dividends.
-%
-Job Placement, n.:
-	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
-%
-Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
-%
-Johnson's First Law:
-	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
-most inconvenient possible time.
-%
-Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
-"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
-anything loses.
-%
-Join the march to save individuality!
-%
-Jone's Law:
-	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
-to blame it on.
-%
-Jone's Motto:
-	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-%
-Jones's First Law:
-	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
-endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
-to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
-original contribution.
-%
-Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
-(and nobody cares about it).
-		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
-%
-Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
-solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
-one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
-winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
-because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
-mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
-motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
-whole truth.
-		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
-%
-Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
-changed.
-		-- Irene Peter
-%
-Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
-%
-Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
-knows what it is.
-%
-Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
-get a prompt, type like hell.
-%
-Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
-immune to bullets.
-		-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
-%
-Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
-of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
-		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
-%
-Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
-		-- Walt Disney
-%
-Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
-twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
-%
-`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
-	As he landed his crew with care;
-Supporting each man on the top of the tide
-	By a finger entwined in his hair.
-
-'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
-	That alone should encourage the crew.
-Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
-	What I tell you three times is true.'
-%
-Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
-faster rat!!!
-%
-Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
-		-- Michael J. Wagner
-%
-Justice is incidental to law and order.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-Justice, n.:
-	A decision in your favor.
-%
-K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
-	Cobol's wordy and confining;
-	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
-	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
-wear tail lights.
-%
-Katz' Law:
-	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
-possibilities have been exhausted.
-%
-Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
-%
-Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
-		- Hellman's Mayonnaise
-%
-Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
-%
-Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
-%
-Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
-	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
-	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
-	    force is technically termed "car suck").
-	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
-	    than "Watch this!"
-%
-Keep your Eye on the Ball,
-Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
-Your Nose to the Grindstone,
-Your Feet on the Ground,
-Your Head on your Shoulders.
-Now ... try to get something DONE!
-%
-Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
-automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
-numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
-driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
-dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
-what's wrong."
-%
-Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
-	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
-and parking for the faculty.
-%
-Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
-travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
-original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
-teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
-grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
-teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-Kin, n.:
-	An affliction of the blood.
-%
-Kinkler's First Law:
-	Responsibility always exceeds authority.
-
-Kinkler's Second Law:
-	All the easy problems have been solved.
-%
-Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
-%
-Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
-any of its streets.
-%
-Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
-%
-Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
-%
-Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
-%
-Kleptomaniac, n.:
-	A rich thief.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
-%
-Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
-		-- Henry N. Camp
-%
-Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
-	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Labor, n.:
-	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Lackland's Laws:
-	(1) Never be first.
-	(2) Never be last.
-	(3) Never volunteer for anything
-%
-Lactomangulation, n.:
-	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
-that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Ladybug, ladybug,
-Look to your stern!
-Your house is on fire,
-Your children will burn!
-So jump ye and sing, for
-The very first time
-The four lines above
-Have been put into rhyme.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Laetrile is the pits
-%
-Langsam's Laws:
-	(1) Everything depends.
-	(2) Nothing is always.
-	(3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-Larkinson's Law:
-	All laws are basically false.
-%
-Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
-was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
-pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
-farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
-sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
-you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
-What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
-of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
-the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
-whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
-Lassie filed the applications for.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
-had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
-my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police
-record.  I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense
-of humor.
-%
-Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
-%
-Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
-%
-Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-		-- Victor Borge
-%
-Law of Communications:
-	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
-between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
-misunderstanding.
-%
-Law of Probable Dispersal:
-	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
-distributed.
-%
-Law of Selective Gravity:
-	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
-
-Jenning's Corollary:
-	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
-directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
-
-Law of the Perversity of Nature:
-	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
-bread to butter.
-%
-Laws of Serendipity:
-
-	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
-	    something.
-	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
-	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
-%
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
-	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
-%
-Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
-%
-Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
-everything else follows in the same way.
-		-- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-%
-Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
-fun?
-%
-Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
-	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
-unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
-drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
-can."
-%
-Leibowitz's Rule:
-	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
-hold the hammer with both hands.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
-	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
-	pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
-	honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
-	are thieves.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
-	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
-	Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
-	you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
-	fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
-	a sick sense of humor.
-%
-Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
-%
-Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
-number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
-and another number.
-		-- James Estes
-%
-Let us live!!!
-Let us love!!!
-Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
-
-You first.
-%
-Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
-relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
-really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
-end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
-qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and
-bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
-his back.
-		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
-%
-Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
-your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
-Mental Anguish.  You would sue:
-
-* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
-  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
-  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
-  in there".
-
-* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
-  cretin like yourself.
-
-* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
-  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
-  a large cash settlement anyway.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
-overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
-dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
-tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
-spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
-money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
-probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
-It's not his money.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
-
-Dear Sir,
-
-I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
-to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
-public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
-in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
-will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
-agricultural industry.
-
-Yours faithfully,
-	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
-	Sevenoaks
-%
-Lewis's Law of Travel:
-	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
-anyone, ever.
-%
-Liar, n.:
-	A lawyer with a roving commission.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
-		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
-%
-LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
-	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
-	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
-	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
-	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
-	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
-	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
-	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
-	disease.
-%
-Lie, n.:
-	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
-discovered to date.
-%
-Lieberman's Law:
-	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
-%
-Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-%
-Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
-%
-Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
-eat it nevertheless.
-		-- Flaubert
-%
-Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
-%
-Life is like a simile.
-%
-Life is like an analogy.
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
-there is nothing in it.
-%
-Life is too important to take seriously.
-		-- Corky Siegel
-%
-Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
-which I disapprove.
-%
-Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
-		-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
-%
-Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
-weren't for other people.
-		-- Blore
-%
-Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
-%
-Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
-		-- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
-sense from things she found in gift shops.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
-for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-		-- Alan McKay
-%
-Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
-%
-Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
-	we should think only about today.
-Charlie Brown:
-	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
-	better.
-%
-Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
-		-- Candice Bergen
-%
-Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
-around the Sun.
-%
-Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
-before.
-%
-Lizzie Borden took an axe,
-And plunged it deep into the VAX;
-Don't you envy people who
-Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
-%
-Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
-interest rates, we don't need it."
-%
-Lobster:
-	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
-squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
-only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
-eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
-before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
-ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
-in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
-unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
-the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
-"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
-memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
-at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
-Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
-too.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
-		   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
-%
-Lockwood's Long Shot:
-	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
-one in a million, but once would be enough.
-%
-Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
-%
-... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
-legally ... impeccable!
-%
-Logicians have but ill defined
-As rational the human kind.
-Logic, they say, belongs to man,
-But let them prove it if they can.
-		-- Oliver Goldsmith
-%
-Look out!  Behind you!
-%
-Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
-to pay income taxes, too?
-		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
-%
-Loose bits sink chips.
-%
-Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
-"BOOGA, BOOGA!"
-%
-Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
-%
-Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
-Halstead, Kansas.
-%
-Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
-%
-Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
-world has ever seen.
-%
-Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
-		-- Sigmund Freud
-%
-Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
-flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come.
-		-- Matt Groening
-%
-Love is a word that is constantly heard,
-Hate is a word that is not.
-Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
-Love, I have read, is hot.
-But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
-And Love but a drug on the mart.
-Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
-But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
-the ideal never goes unpunished.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Love is sentimental measles.
-%
-Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
-%
-Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
-		-- Louise Beal
-%
-Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
-%
-	Love's Drug
-
-My love is like an iron wand
-	That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium
-	That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch
-	That I drink when I be dry;
-And I shall love thee still, my dear,
-	Until my wife is wise.
-%
-Lowery's Law:
-	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
-anyway.
-%
-LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
-%
-Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
-	There's always one more bug.
-%
-Lunatic Asylum, n.:
-	The place where optimism most flourishes.
-%
-Lysistrata had a good idea.
-%
-MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
-the smallest amount of thoughts.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Machine-Independent, adj.:
-	Does not run on any existing machine.
-%
-Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
-and play games -- but not with pleasure.
-		-- Leo Rosten
-%
-Mad, adj.:
-	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
-first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-MAFIA, n:
-	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
-Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
-subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
-rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
-reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
-operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
-MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
-variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
-security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
-more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
-imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
-options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
-Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
-powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
-entire nodal aggravations.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
-
-Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
-
-The two definition immediately preceding are condensed from the works
-of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
-with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
-knowledge.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Magnocartic, adj.:
-	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-Magpie, n.:
-	A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
-might be taught to talk.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Maier's Law:
-	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
-
-Corollaries:
-	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
-	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
-	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
-	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
-%
-Main's Law:
-	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-%
-Maintainer's Motto:
-	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
-%
-Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
-	as one man.
-
-Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
-
-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Majority, n.:
-	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
-%
-Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
-%
-Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
-tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
-has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
-the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
-%
-Malek's Law:
-	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
-%
-Man 1:	Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good
-	joke is.
-
-Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --
-
-Man 1:	______TIMING!
-%
-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
-upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
-only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
-victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
-%
-Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
-is an enemy.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Man, n.:
-	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
-he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
-occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
-however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
-habitable earth and Canada.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
-Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
-	  don't think, right?"
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
-dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
-man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
-air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
-primitive umpire.
-
-What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
-mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Manual, n.:
-	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
-given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
-information you need is in the others.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
-there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
-was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
-completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
-	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
-simple yes or no answer.
-%
-Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
-the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam
-dancing.
-		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
-%
-Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
-		-- Malcolm Smith
-%
-Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
-		-- R. Drabek
-%
-Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
-translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
-entirely different.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
-described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can
-play.
-		-- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
-		   James Blish
-%
-Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
-%
-Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
-nor can it be returned without a receipt.
-%
-Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
-%
-May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
-%
-May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
-%
-May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
-Thousand Caramels.
-%
-Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-		-- R. S. Barton
-%
-Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
-it.
-%
-McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
-	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
-$19.95.
-%
-Meader's Law:
-	Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
-everyone you know, only more so.
-%
-Meeting, n.:
-	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
-department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
-%
-Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
-from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
-Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
-had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
-it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
-very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
-tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
-	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
-	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
-	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
-... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
-cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
-billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even
-more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a
-fact.  Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
-older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
-obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
-window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
-hotshot cells moving up from below.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
-	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
-	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
-cork makes when it is popped.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
-	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
-	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
-is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
-ever hope to acquire it.
-%
-Menu, n.:
-	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
-%
-Meskimen's Law:
-	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
-do it over.
-%
-MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
-%
-Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
-%
-methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
-ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
-phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
-taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
-glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
-nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
-minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
-cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
-leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
-cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
-lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
-sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
-cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
-nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
-nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
-partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
-glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
-valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
-cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
-nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
-rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
-glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
-sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
-lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
-glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
-	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
-	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
-		-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
-%
-Micro Credo:
-	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
-%
-Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
-watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
-%
-Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
-out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
-		-- Casablanca
-%
-Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
-Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO
-	inconsiderate."
-		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
-%
-Miksch's Law:
-	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
-%
-Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Millihelen, adj:
-	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-%
-Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
-themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-		-- Susan Ertz
-%
-Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
-politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
-and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
-are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
-rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
-the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
-Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
-Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
-Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
-black.
-		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
-%
-Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
-is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
-myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
-the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
-unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
-will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
-dead as a door-nail.
-%
-Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
-%
-Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
-pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
-%
-Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
-%
-Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-Misfortune, n.:
-	The kind of fortune that never misses.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Miss, n.:
-	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
-they are in the market.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
-%
-Mitchell's Law of Committees:
-	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
-held to discuss it.
-%
-MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
-
-  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
-2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
-2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
-  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
-  Cinnamon
-
-Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
-RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
-and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
-juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
-with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
-crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
-steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
-is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
-%
-Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
-%
-Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
-him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
-last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
-better.
-%
-Molecule, n.:
-	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
-from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
-closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
-matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
-atom in that it is an ion ...
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
-	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
-it wasn't worth doing.
-%
-Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
-%
-Monday, n.:
-	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-%
-Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
-%
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-%
-Moon, n.:
-	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
-hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
-%
-Mophobia, n.:
-	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
-		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
-The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
-Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
-the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
-Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
-paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
-took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
-their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
-said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
-fight and the match was called by officials.
-%
-More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
-path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
-extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
-%
-Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
-	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
-be out of a job.
-%
-Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
-because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
-and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
-eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
-and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
-female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
-dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven
-by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the
-truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
-them that it doesn't make any difference.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
-than they do.
-		-- Turgenev
-%
-Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
-		-- Arnold Bennett
-%
-Mother is the invention of necessity.
-%
-Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
-%
-Mr. Cole's Axiom:
-	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
-population is growing.
-%
-"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
-"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old
-Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
-pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
-in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
-in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
-133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"  An electronic
-computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
-fun to watch.
-		-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
-%
-Murphy's Discovery:
-	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
-women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
-will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
-trouble!
-%
-Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
-work.
-%
-Murphy's Law of Research:
-	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
-%
-Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ...
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
-Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
-pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
-military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
-Esther and hustle them off to prison.
-	They can't prove who they are because they've left their
-passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
-and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
-movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
-charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
-	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
-they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
-if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
-her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
-possible, and turns to Murray.
-	"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
-	"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Mustgo, n.:
-	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
-long it has become a science project.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-		-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
-%
-My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
-threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.
-First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
-frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
-the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed
-forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
-perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
-the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
-crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a
-symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
-in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
-really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
-OK.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless
-there are three other people.
-		-- Orson Welles
-%
-My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
-times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
-sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
-through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
-listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
-log out again.
-%
-My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
-		-- MadameX
-%
-My love runs by like a day in June,
-	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
-He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
-	In the pathway or the morrows.
-He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
-	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
-My own dear love, he is all my heart --
-	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
-	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
-The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
-	And the skies are sunlit for him.
-As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
-	As the fragrance of acacia.
-My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
-	And I wish he were in Asia.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-%
-My own dear love, he is strong and bold
-	And he cares not what comes after.
-His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
-	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
-He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
-	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
-My own dear love, he is all my world --
-	And I wish I'd never met him.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-My pen is at the bottom of a page,
-Which, being finished, here the story ends;
-'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
-But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
-		-- Byron
-%
-My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
-		-- Christopher Morley
-%
-My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies
-%
-Mythology, n.:
-	The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
-origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
-from the true accounts which it invents later.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
-   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
-   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
-   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
-   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-
-		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
-%
-Naeser's Law:
-	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
-damnfoolproof.
-%
-NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
-	  says is wrong.
-GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
-	  will be right.
-		-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
-%
-Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant
-said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
-time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone
-might steal it."
-%
-Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
-villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"
-said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the
-villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The
-remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he
-said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
-my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
-spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
-serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk
-into your shop?"  "Of course."  "Have you ever seen me before?"
-"Never."  "Then how do you know it was me?"
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
-than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the
-light more."
-%
-Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
-pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
-meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
-"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
-the recipe?"
-%
-Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of
-conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the
-fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
-is most likely to be creamed?
-		-- Solomon Short
-%
-Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
-God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
-
-It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
-Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
-%
-Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
-cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-		-- Fran Leibowitz
-%
-Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
-character, give him power.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-Necessity is a mother.
-%
-Neckties strangle clear thinking.
-		-- Lin Yutang
-%
-Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
-%
-Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
-%
-Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
-%
-Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
-%
-Never drink Coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
-with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
-change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
-fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
-have windows.
-%
-Never eat more than you can lift.
-		-- Miss Piggy
-%
-Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
-%
-Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
-%
-Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
-%
-Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
-make it complex and wonderful.
-%
-Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
-%
-Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
-%
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
-law against it by that time.
-%
-Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
-%
-Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
-%
-Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
-%
-Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
-%
-Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
-supposed to do.
-		-- R. A. Heinlein
-%
-New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
-%
-New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
-any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
-%
-New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
-Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
-%
-New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
-		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
-%
-New systems generate new problems.
-%
-New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
-his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
-%
-New York's got the ways and means;
-Just won't let you be.
-		-- The Grateful Dead
-%
-Newlan's Truism:
-	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
-economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
-%
-NEWS FLASH!!
-	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
-	German pole-vault champion.
-%
-			*** NEWSFLASH ***
-Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
-%
-Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
-%
-Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
-	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
-%
-Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
-As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
-%
-Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
-as an income tax refund.
-		-- F. J. Raymond
-%
-Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-Nihilism should commence with oneself.
-%
-Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
-correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
-(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
-Americans call him by value.
-%
-Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
-Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
-Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
-Three megs for system source;
-
-One disk to rule them all,
-One disk to bind them,
-One disk to hold the files
-And in the darkness grind 'em.
-%
-Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
-	And tapes without any tracks;
-Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
-	And tapes mixed up on the racks --
-		Take hold of the tape
-		And pull off the strip,
-		And then you'll be sure
-		Your tape drive will skip.
-
-		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
-would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
-that much.
-		-- Augustine
-%
-Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
-	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
-the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
-%
-Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
-hang out.
-		-- Zonker Harris
-%
-No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
-absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
-		-- Fran Leibowitz
-%
-No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
-camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
-effectively under such difficult conditions.
-		-- Laurence J. Peter
-%
-No good deed goes unpunished.
-		-- Clare Boothe Luce
-%
-No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
-eating one peanut.
-		-- Channing Pollock
-%
-No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
-%
-No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
-seriously cramp his style.
-%
-No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
-immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
-%
-No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
-%
-No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
-system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
-the author.
-		-- Chris Shaw
-%
-No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
-He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
-Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
-And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
-CHORUS:
-	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
-	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
-	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
-	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
-Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
-And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
-All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
-But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
-		(chorus)
-Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
-The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
-A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
-But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
-		(chorus)
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-		-- C. Schulz
-%
-No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
-%
-No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
-occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
-indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
-occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
-an indication-applied occurrence.
-		-- ALGOL 68 Report
-%
-No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
-		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
-		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
-%
-No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
-%
-Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
-%
-Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
-order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
-substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
-and rob the old.
-		-- Lewis Lapham
-%
-Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
-constructive praise.
-%
-Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
-	Negative expectations yield negative results.
-	Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
-%
-Noncombatant, n.:
-	A dead Quaker.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
-%
-Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
-Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
-in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
-moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
-dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
-respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
-it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
-then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
-chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
-		-- William Shakespeare
-%
-Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
-is from the wrong kind of tree.
-		-- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
-%
-Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
-of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
-is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
-unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is
-careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
-%
-Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
-
-To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
-light comes on.
-%
-Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-		-- Andrew Young
-%
-Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
-tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-		-- Nero Wolfe
-%
-Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
-Conscience makes egotists of us all.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Nothing recedes like success.
-		-- Walter Winchell
-%
-Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-		-- Charlie Brown
-%
-November, n.:
-	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
-%
-Now I lay me down to sleep
-I pray the double lock will keep;
-May no brick through the window break,
-And, no one rob me till I awake.
-%
-Now is the time for all good men to come to.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
-time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
-to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
-eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
-the following questions:
-
-(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
-    food?
-(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
-    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
-(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
-    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
-    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
-    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
-    longer.)
-
-That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
-%
-Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
-Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
-were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette.
-		-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
-%
-... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
-get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
-the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
-on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
-children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
-snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
-to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
-a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
-outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
-he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
-Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
-Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
-kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
-children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
-quickly.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
-tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
-	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
-plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
-they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
-Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
-administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
-you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
-described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
-interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
-that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
-	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
-inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
-so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
-if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
-direct sunlight.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
-		-- Karl Lehenbauer
-%
-Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
-normal routines, for children and adults alike.
-		-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
-%
-Nuclear war would really set back cable.
-		-- Ted Turner
-%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
-		-- Edwin Meese III
-%
-Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
-%
-(null cookie; hope that's ok)
-%
-Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
-%
-O give me a home,
-Where the buffalo roam,
-Where the deer and the antelope play,
-Where seldom is heard
-A discouraging word,
-'Cause what can an antelope say?
-%
-O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
-	Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a
-fake?
-%
-Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
-reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
-amount of hot air.
-		-- Thomas L. Martin
-%
-Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-		-- Plato
-%
-Of all the words of witch's doom
-There's none so bad as which and whom.
-The man who kills both which and whom
-Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
-		-- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
-tools aren't soluble in alcohol ...
-		-- Crazy Nigel
-%
-Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
-%
-Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.
-And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
-blazer.
-%
-Office Automation, n.:
-	The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
-you would want to talk with over coffee.
-%
-Ogden's Law:
-	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
-up.
-%
-Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
-%
-Oh don't the days seem lank and long
-	When all goes right and none goes wrong,
-And isn't your life extremely flat
-	With nothing whatever to grumble at!
-%
-Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
-	I muck with indices and structs all day
-And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
-	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
-%
-Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
-be irresponsible, too.
-		-- Lichty & Wagner
-%
-Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
-And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
-Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
-Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
-You have not dreamed of --
-Wheeled and soared and swung
-High in the sunlit silence.
-Hovering there
-I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
-My eager craft through footless halls of air.
-Up, up along delirious, burning blue
-I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
-Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
-And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
-The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
-Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
-		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
-%
-Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
-%
-Oh, when I was in love with you,
-	Then I was clean and brave,
-And miles around the wonder grew
-	How well did I behave.
-
-And now the fancy passes by,
-	And nothing will remain,
-And miles around they'll say that I
-	Am quite myself again.
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
-%
-OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-		-- Dr. Joy
-%
-OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
-%
-Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-		-- Trotsky
-%
-Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
-%
-Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
-%
-Oliver's Law:
-	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
-it.
-%
-Omnibiblious, adj.:
-	Indifferent to type of drink.  "Oh, you can get me anything.
-I'm omnibiblious."
-%
-OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of
-JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
-as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
-WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
-%
-On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
-
-This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
-		-- Wolfgang Pauli
-%
-On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
-nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
-what it does.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
-receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
-income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
-$283 on the desk before the cashier.
-	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
-route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
-	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
-business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
-worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
-%
-On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
-created jerks.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
-POINT ...
-%
-On the subject of C program indentation:
-
-	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
-	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-		-- Blair P. Houghton
-%
-On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
-Mr.  Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
-answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
-confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-		-- Charles Babbage
-%
-On-line, adj.:
-	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
-computer.
-%
-Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
-forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
-%
-Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
-each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
-choice.
-
-In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
-called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
-and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People
-passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
-Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
-Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
-Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
-principals or your mistress".
-%
-Once Law was sitting on the bench
-	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
-"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
-	Nor come before me creeping.
-Upon your knees if you appear,
-'Tis plain you have no standing here."
-
-Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
-	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
-"Amica curiae," she replied --
-	"Friend of the court, so please you."
-"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
-I never saw your face before!"
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
-beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
-which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
-sky.
-		-- Rainer Rilke
-%
-	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
-great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
-the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
-life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
-one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
-going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
-shall die of boredom."
-	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that
-current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
-rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
-	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
-and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
-Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
-lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
-	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
-"See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
-Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
-said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
-free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
-adventure.
-	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
-the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-%
-Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
-us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
-the smaller prime numbers.
-
-2:  The Odd Prime --
-	It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd.  QED.
-3:  The True Prime --
-	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
-31: The Arbitrary Prime --
-	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
-	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
-	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
-	next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
-	at all.
-
-Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
-derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
-true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
-%
-... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
-shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
-advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
-shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
-them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Once, adv.:
-	Enough.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
-somebody's listening.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
-
-Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
-The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-		-- Chuq Von Rospach
-%
-One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
-%
-One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
-how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
-%
-One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
-the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald
-announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
-a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The
-captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth
--- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,
-"to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if
-I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
-"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
-%
-One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
-when well oiled.
-%
-One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
-never have to stop and answer the phone.
-%
-One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
-		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
-%
-One learns to itch where one can scratch.
-		-- Ernest Bramah
-%
-One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
-one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
-produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
-represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
-many ...
-		-- Anthony Chevins
-%
-One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
-%
-One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
-will it live?"  The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
-I'll tell you."
-%
-One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
-%
-One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
-from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
-least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
-are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
-when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
-		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
-%
-One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
-do and always a clever thing to say.
-		-- Will Durant
-%
-One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
-lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
-their C programs.
-		-- Robert Firth
-%
-One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
-create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
-retail."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
-enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
-	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
-years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
-Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple
-language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for
-students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
-interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of
-its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on
-VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
-	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
-run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
-will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
-	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
-quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With
-VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
-documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the
-difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
-is that it's all there.
-		-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
-%
-One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
-seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
-way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
-fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
-disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
-%
-The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
-	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
-fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
-other ways.
-%
-The First Commandment for Technicians:
-	Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
-capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
-untechnician-like manner.
-%
-One Page Principle:
-	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
-paper cannot be understood.
-		-- Mark Ardis
-%
-One planet is all you get.
-%
-One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
-manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
-they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's
-say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
-study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
-sherbet.  Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
-strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
-rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.  It could also
-be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.  ("Mr.
-Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
-Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
-millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
-support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that
-your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
-of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
-already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
-		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-One reason why George Washington
-Is held in such veneration:
-He never blamed his problems
-On the former Administration.
-		-- George O. Ludcke
-%
-One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
-%
-One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
-%
-One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
-sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
-sheer terror.
-		-- W. K. Hartmann
-%
-One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
-new model.
-%
-One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
-%
-One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
-at the stake while the votes were being counted.
-		-- Thomas B. Reed
-%
-One-Shot Case Study, n.:
-	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
-it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
-green.
-%
-Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
-%
-Only God can make random selections.
-%
-Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
-use the editorial "we."
-%
-Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
-%
-Optimization hinders evolution.
-%
-Oregano, n.:
-	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
-%
-Oregon, n.:
-	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
-night.
-%
-Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
-Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-		-- Mike Adams
-%
-Osborn's Law:
-	Variables won't; constants aren't.
-%
-Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
-%
-Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
-they charge fifteen cents for them.
-%
-Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
-office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
-were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of
-juice.  But only *__he* had a lollipop.
-
-He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
-
-Her reply:
-
-	"He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it
-	means to be a programmer."
-%
-Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
-	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
-	In kernel as it is in user!
-%
-Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
-%
-... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
-Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One
-thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If
-somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
-on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
-a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
-		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
-%
-Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
-		-- Alex Schure
-%
-Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
-		-- General Omar N. Bradley
-%
-		OUTCONERR
-Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
-	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
-All kludgy were the function flows
-	And subroutines adhoc.
-
-Beware the runtime-bug my friend
-	squrooneg, the false goto
-Beware the infiniteloop
-	And shun the inprectoo.
-%
-Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
-it's too dark to read.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
-I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
-%
-Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
-%
-Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
-%
-Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
-%
-Ozman's Laws:
-	(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
-	    won't.
-	(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
-	    make.
-	(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-	(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
-%
-Painting, n.:
-	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
-exposing them to the critic.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-panic: can't find /
-%
-panic: kernel trap (ignored)
-%
-Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
-better.
-		-- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
-%
-Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
-%
-Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
-%
-Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
-criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-		-- D. J. Hicks
-%
-Pardo's First Postulate:
-	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
-fattening.
-
-Arnold's Addendum:
-	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
-%
-Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
-%
-Parker's Law:
-	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
-%
-Parkinson's Fifth Law:
-	If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
-bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
-%
-Parkinson's Fourth Law:
-	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
-regardless of the amount of work to be done.
-%
-Parsley
-	 is gharsley.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
-%
-Pascal is not a high-level language.
-		-- Steven Feiner
-%
-Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
-		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
-%
-Pascal Users:
-	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
-death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
-Pascal, n.:
-	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
-his grave if he knew about it.
-%
-Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-		-- Eric Hoffer
-%
-Patageometry, n.:
-	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
-under brain transplants.
-%
-Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
-%
-Paul's Law:
-	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
-save.
-%
-Paul's Law:
-	You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-Peace, n.:
-	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
-periods of fighting.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Peanut Blossoms
-
-4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
-4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
-4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
-8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
-4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
-
-Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
-sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
-Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
-hell of a lot.
-%
-Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
-	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
-it.
-%
-Pedaeration, n.:
-	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
-sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Penguin Trivia #46:
-	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.
-		-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
-the future.
-%
-People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
-		-- Ken Kesey
-%
-People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
-%
-People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
-press than people who are just funny and smart.
-		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
-%
-People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
-slept in a room with a single mosquito.
-%
-People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
-haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
-Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-%
-People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
-%
-People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
-did yesterday.
-%
-Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
-"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
-		-- Aelius Donatus
-%
-Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
-%
-Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
-when there is no longer anything to take away.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
-%
-Peter's Law of Substitution:
-	Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
-themselves.
-%
-Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
-exciting Camden, New Jersey.
-%
-Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny.
-%
-Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
-		-- John Keats
-%
-Pick another fortune cookie.
-%
-Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
-hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
-sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
-%
-Pig, n.:
-	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
-by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
-inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
-followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
-associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
-confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
-things to small animals.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
-	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
-American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as
-nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will
-probably get run over by a bus.
-%
-			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
-    but a steady left tail light.  This means
-
-	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
-	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
-	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
-	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
-	(d) the driver is from out of town.
-
-The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
-countries to signal turns.
-%
-			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(8) Pedestrians are
-
-	(a) irrelevant.
-	(b) communists.
-	(c) a nuisance.
-	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-
-The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
-totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
-%
-Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-		-- Don Marquis
-%
-PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
-solution set.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-Plaese porrf raed.
-		-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
-%
-Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
-because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
-couldn't compete successfully with poets.
-		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
-		   Shell"
-%
-Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
-%
-Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-Please ignore previous fortune.
-%
-Please take note:
-%
-Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
-until you are told that those rooms are "punched out".  Once punched
-out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
-and such.
-		-- N. Meyrowitz
-%
-Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
-%
-	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
-requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
-into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
-problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
-radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
-plumbing works.
-	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
-except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
-it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
-and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
-all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
-kill you.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-PLUNDERER'S THEME
-(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
-
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
-Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-%
-Pohl's law:
-	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
-%
-Police:	Good evening, are you the host?
-Host:	No.
-Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.
-Host:	About the drugs?
-Police:	No.
-Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
-Police:	No, the noise.
-Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
-	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
-	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
-	The neighbors?
-Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
-	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
-	ask the host to quiet things down?
-Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
-	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
-	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
-	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
-	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
-	down.
-%
-Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
-all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
-%
-Politician, n.:
-	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
-organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
-agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
-with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Politician, n.:
-	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
-"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence
-"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
-		-- Martin Pitt
-%
-Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
-where there is no river.
-		-- Nikita Khrushchev
-%
-Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart enough
-to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
-%
-Polymer physicists are into chains.
-%
-Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
-Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
-white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
-it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
-name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
-laughter, singing
-
-	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
-	Half a pound of treacle
-	That's the way the chimney smokes
-	Pope Goestheveezl
-
-The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of
-laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for
-hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
-Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Portable, adj.:
-	Survives system reboot.
-%
-Positive, adj.:
-	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
-%
-Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
-		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
-%
-Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
-%
-Power, n:
-	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
-%
-Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
-more time for dreaming.
-		-- J. P. McEvoy
-%
-Predestination was doomed from the start.
-%
-President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
-forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
-%
-President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
-vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
-		-- The Washington Post
-%
-Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
-%
-Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
-	It's on the other side.
-%
-[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
-to see him work.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
-%
-Probable-Possible, my black hen,
-She lays eggs in the Relative When.
-She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
-Because she's unable to postulate how.
-		-- Frederick Winsor
-%
-Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
-orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
-is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
-	 encryption standard and they came up with ...
-Student: EBCDIC!
-%
-Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
-Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on
-his exam.  Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
-earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
-%
-Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
-build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
-to produce bigger and better idiots.  So far, the Universe is winning.
-		-- Rich Cook
-%
-Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
-
-This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
-techniques are very popular; even the military used them.
-
-SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
-
-	We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
-for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
-as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
-trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
-can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
-about _n.
-	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
-%
-Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
-	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
-(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
-(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
-(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
-    legs for a horse.
-(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
-(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
-
-Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
-	Intimidation
-	Gesticulation (handwaving)
-	"Try it; it works"
-	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
-	Blatant assertion
-	Changing all the 2's to _n's
-	Mutual consent
-	Lack of a counterexample, and
-	"It stands to reason"
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-BBW	Branch Both Ways
-BEW	Branch Either Way
-BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
-BH	Branch and Hang
-BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
-BOB	Branch On Bug
-BPO	Branch on Power Off
-BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
-CDS	Condense and Destroy System
-CLBR	Clobber Register
-CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
-CM	Circulate Memory
-CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
-CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
-CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-DC	Divide and Conquer
-DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
-DO	Divide and Overflow
-EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
-EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
-EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
-EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
-HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
-IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
-INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
-PBC	Print and Break Chain
-PDSK	Punch Disk
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-PI	Punch Invalid
-POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
-PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
-RASC	Read And Shred Card
-RPM	Read Programmers Mind
-RSSC	Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
-RTAB	Rewind Tape and Break
-RWDSK	Rewind Disk
-RWOC	Read Writing On Card
-SCRBL	Scribble to disk - faster than a write
-SLC	Search for Lost Chord
-SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
-SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
-STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
-TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
-WBT	Water Binary Tree
-%
-Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
-than the both put together.
-%
-Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
-three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
-%
-Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
-anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
-to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
-to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
-cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
-fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
-lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
-the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
-%
-Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
-%
-Put no trust in cryptic comments.
-%
-Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
-%
-Putt's Law:
-	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
-		Those who understand what they do not manage.
-		Those who manage what they do not understand.
-%
-Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
-A:  One per person.
-%
-Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
-A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
-%
-Q:  How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ?
-A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
-%
-Q:  How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
-A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
-
-Q:  How long does it take?
-A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
-    brought with them.
-
-Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?
-A:  They replace your generator.
-%
-Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
-    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
-    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
-    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-%
-Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
-    in San Francisco?
-A:  Both of them.
-%
-Q:  How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
-A:  33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
-%
-Q:  How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
-A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
-%
-Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
-    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
-    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
-    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
-    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-%
-Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
-    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
-    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
-    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
-    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
-%
-Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:  One and a half.
-%
-Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
-    to the earlier joke.
-%
-Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A:  Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
-    Californians trying to share the experience.
-%
-Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
-    with brightly colored machine tools.
-%
-Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A:  None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
-    of the way.
-%
-Q:  What's a light-year?
-A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
-%
-Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?
-A:  Because it was on the other side.
-%
-Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?
-A:  To stamp out forest fires.
-
-Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?
-A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
-%
-Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
-A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
-%
-Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
-   should I do?
-
-A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
-   believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be
-   the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No
-   time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
-   somebody else has made the correction.
-
-   And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
-   the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
-   to inform the whole net right away!
-
-		-- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
-		   on Netiquette"
-%
-Quality Control, n.:
-	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
-a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
-%
-Question:
-Man Invented Alcohol,
-God Invented Grass.
-Who do you trust?
-%
-Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
-%
-Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
-%
-Quidquid latine dictum est, altum videtur.
-
-(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
-%
-Quigley's Law:
-	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
-attempt to use it.
-%
-QUOTE OF THE DAY:
-
-       `
-
-%
-Qvid me anxivs svm?
-%
-QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
-	1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
-kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.  [colloq.] one
-thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
-painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
-person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
-		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
-%
-Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
-%
-Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
-I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
-computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
-store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
-all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
-the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
-they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
-rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
-Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
-impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
-goes, giving away the store?
-		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
-%
-Ray's Rule of Precision:
-	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
-%
-Razors pain you;
-Rivers are damp;
-Acids stain you;
-And drugs cause cramp.
-Guns aren't lawful;
-Nooses give;
-Gas smells awful;
-You might as well live.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
-%
-Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
-the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
-with pictures.
-%
-Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
-Congress.  But I repeat myself.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
-value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
-much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice
-this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
-%
-Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
-has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
-machines are so poor at I/O.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
-so long they can't afford the disk space.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
-in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker
-with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
-hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
-applications.)
-%
-Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
-on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
-sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
-%
-Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
-programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
-trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
-clear desks.
-%
-Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
-doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell
-quiche.
-%
-Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
-should be hard to understand.
-%
-Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
-illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
-much good it did them.
-%
-Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
-you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
-wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
-spring up in the middle of the machine room.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
-in BASIC after reaching puberty.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
-freaks and crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
-wear white socks.
-%
-Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
-can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
-%
-Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
-%
-Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
-functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
-%
-Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
-This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
-computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
-%
-Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
-greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
-moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
-systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
-computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
-DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
-Correctness Verification Aid packages.
-%
-Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
-job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
-using an undocumented external procedure.
-%
-Real Time, adj.:
-	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
-and then.
-%
-Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
-afraid to break your face.
-%
-Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
-down the system for days.
-%
-Real Users hate Real Programmers.
-%
-Real Users know your home telephone number.
-%
-Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
-program doesn't deliver it.
-%
-Real Users never use the Help key.
-%
-Real World, The n.:
-	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
-be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
-programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
-to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
-tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
-4. The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.
-"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used
-pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking
-of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
-deceased person.
-%
-Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
-%
-Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
-%
-Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
-		-- Patrick Sky
-%
-Reality is for people who lack imagination.
-%
-Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
-%
-Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
-		-- Alvy Ray Smith
-%
-Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away"
-		-- Philip K. Dick
-%
-Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
-%
-Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
-being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.  Depression is when you
-lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
-but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
-Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
-recessions.
-%
-Reclaimer, spare that tree!
-Take not a single bit!
-It used to point to me,
-Now I'm protecting it.
-It was the reader's CONS
-That made it, paired by dot;
-Now, GC, for the nonce,
-Thou shalt reclaim it not.
-%
-	"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
-Candy
-Is dandy
-But liquor
-Is quicker.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe
-again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
-which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
-spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
-starfield surrounding the ship.
-
-"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
-announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they
-are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been
-intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
-transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
-Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
-		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
-%
-Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
-	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
-%
-Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
-worse in Cleveland.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
-offense!
-%
-Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
-%
-Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
-%
-Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-		-- Dave Butler
-%
-Renning's Maxim:
-	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
-%
-Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
-	Civilization?
-Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
-%
-Reporter, n.:
-	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
-tempest of words.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
-
-SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
-the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
-carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
-I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
-of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
-do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
-ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
-need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
-career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
-that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
-can't help it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
-another chance later on.
-%
-Review Questions
-
-(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
-    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
-    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
-    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
-
-(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
-    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
-    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
-    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?
-
-(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
-    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
-    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
-    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
-%
-Rhode's Law:
-	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
-circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
-empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
-induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
-for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
-material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
-none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
-proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
-universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
-becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
-%
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
-	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
-	reject the proposal.
-%
-Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
-%
-ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
-MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
-	door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
-%
-Rudin's Law:
-	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
-every time.
-%
-Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
-	Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
-be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person
-shall be deemed to be a cat.
-%
-Rule of Creative Research:
-	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
-	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
-	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-Rule of Defactualization:
-	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
-%
-Rule of Feline Frustration:
-	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
-content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
-%
-Rule of the Great:
-	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
-thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
-%
-Rules for Academic Deans:
-	(1)  HIDE!!!!
-	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
-		-- Father Damian C. Fandal
-%
-Rules for driving in New York:
-	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
-	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
-	    on.
-	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
-	    intersection.
-%
-RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
-	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
-	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
-	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
-	(4)  Enjoy your food.
-	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
-	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
-	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
-	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
-	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
-	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
-	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
-	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
-	     can always eat it later.
-	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
-	(11) Avoid blue food.
-		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
-%
-Rules:
-	(1)  The boss is always right.
-	(2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
-%
-		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
-(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
-    ants.
-(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
-(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
-(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
-(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
-(6) People ignore you at parties.
-(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
-(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
-		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
-     bomb; use the stairs.
-(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
-     the ground.
-(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
-     psychological problems.
-(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
-     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
-     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
-     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
-(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
-     staggering illegally.
-(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
-     sanitary due to limited circulation.
-(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
-     D-Day.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
-	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
-	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
-	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
-	laugh at you a great deal.
-%
-San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
-		-- Herb Caen
-%
-San Francisco, n.:
-	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
-%
-Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
-		-- Mark Harrold
-%
-Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
-	He must be a communist.
-And a beard and long hair,
-	Must be a pacifist.
-
-	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-		-- Arlo Guthrie
-%
-Satellite Safety Tip #14:
-	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
-%
-Sattinger's Law:
-	It works better if you plug it in.
-%
-Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
-	Is like being nowhere at all,
-All through the day how the hours rush by,
-	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
-		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
-%
-Sauron is alive in Argentina!
-%
-Save energy: be apathetic.
-%
-Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
-%
-Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
-%
-Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
-ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-Schapiro's Explanation:
-	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
-because they use more manure.
-%
-Schizophrenia beats being alone.
-%
-Schlattwhapper, n.:
-	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
-hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schnuffel, n.:
-	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
-mixed company.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schwiggle, n.:
-	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
-pencil.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
-of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
-is not necessarily science.
-		-- Henri Poincar'e
-%
-Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
-%
-Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
-		-- William Buckley
-
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
-	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
-	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
-	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
-%
-Scott's first Law:
-	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
-%
-Scott's second Law:
-	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
-to have been wrong in the first place.
-
-Corollary:
-	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
-impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
-%
-Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
-Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
-Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
-Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
-Spock:	Affirmative.
-Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
-Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
-%
-Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
-%
-Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
-Presidency.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-Second Law of Business Meetings:
-	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
-will pick the wrong one.
-
-Corollary:
-	If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
-wrong, anyway.
-%
-Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
-	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
-multiline message byte.
-	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
-must be sent passive true.
-	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
-	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
-	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
-		(a)  The LADS is active
-		(b)  Nor LACS is active
-
-		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
-		   Programmable Instrumentation
-%
-Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
-%
-Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
-She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
-Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
-Silently scheming,
-Sightlessly seeking
-Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
-%
-Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
-	Ice Cream cures all ills.
-%
-Self Test for Paranoia:
-	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
-your own fault.
-%
-Seminars, n.:
-	From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
-%
-Sen. Danforth:	"There is nothing on the face of the album which would
-		notify you if the record has pornographic material or
-		material glorifying violence?"
-Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
-Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
-		legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
-		not for little Johnny."
-
-		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
-		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
-%
-Senate, n.:
-	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
-misdemeanors.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Serenity through viciousness.
-%
-Serocki's Stricture:
-	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
-%
-Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
-%
-	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
-thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
-advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
-	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
-	"Too proud?" the other enquired.
-	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
-she said, "that one can't help growing older."
-	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
-proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
-big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
-reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
-build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up
-like crabgrass all over the United States.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
-%
-Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
-		-- Swami X
-%
-Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-		-- M. C. Reed
-%
-Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
-it's one of the best.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
-	A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
-temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
-	A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue
-functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
-	A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
-middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
-bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-	The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
-am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
-he's nobody!"
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
-during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
-		   Teen Should Know"
-%
-Shaw's Principle:
-	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
-want to use it.
-%
-She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
-were bad.
-%
-She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
-have poured on a waffle ...
-%
-She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
-you should hear me play piano.'
-		-- Morrisey
-%
-She's genuinely bogus.
-%
-Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
-taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
-excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
-POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
-%
-Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
-playing golf with his boss.
-%
-Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
-%
-Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-		-- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
-%
-Silverman's Law:
-	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
-%
-Simon's Law:
-	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
-%
-Since I hurt my pendulum
-My life is all erratic.
-My parrot, who was cordial,
-Is now transmitting static.
-The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
-The cat keeps doing poo.
-The only thing that keeps me sane
-Is talking to my shoe.
-		-- My Shoe
-%
-Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
-alive.
-		-- John Sloan
-%
-Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
-		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
-%
-[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
-vices I admire.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
-Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
-excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
-This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
-examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
-Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
-printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
-comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
-no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
-%
-Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
-	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
-or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
-have gotten.
-%
-Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
-to work.
-%
-Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
-when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
-apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I
-neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a
-tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they
-were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
-souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a
-testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
-chains.
-		-- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
-	(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
-	    check.
-	(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
-	(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
-	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
-	    attracted to dark objects.
-%
-Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
-%
-Slurm, n.:
-	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
-it sits in the dish too long.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-		-- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Snacktrek, n.:
-	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
-returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
-materialized.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
-your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
-hurl it into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
-array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
-
-... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
-were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
-that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
-toenail dirt.  This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
-made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
-format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
-		-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
-		   Revolution"
-%
-So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
-praise of intelligence.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
-who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
-and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
-and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
-		-- Voltarine de Cleyre
-%
-	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
-With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
-maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
-corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
-flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
-it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
-I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
-the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
-	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
-I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
-heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
-unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
-up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
-opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
-our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
-the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
-cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
-these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
-into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
-pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
-its head into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very
-imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
-and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
-and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
-gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.
-		-- Samuel Foote
-%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
-procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
-to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
-sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
-documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
-listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
-documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
-under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
-effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
-scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
-in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
-thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
-along.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
-And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
-%
-Sodd's Second Law:
-	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
-bound to occur.
-%
-Software, n.:
-	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
-%
-Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
-%
-Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-		-- Ed Howe
-%
-Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
-celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
-stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
-"The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind
-of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The
-government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
-Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
-billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
-it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
-thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
-the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money
-and go to a mall.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
-people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
-one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
-%
-Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
-them on the head.
-%
-Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
-%
-Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
-you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
-worse.
-		-- Avery
-%
-Some points to remember [about animals]:
-
-(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
-    hippopotamuses;
-(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
-    front of your clothes;
-(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
-    you have just kicked.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Some primal termite knocked on wood.
-And tasted it, and found it good.
-And that is why your Cousin May
-Fell through the parlor floor today.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
-progress.
-%
-Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
-progress.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
-pens will multiply instead of disappear.
-%
-Someone will try to honk your nose today.
-%
-Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
-the only ashtray.
-%
-Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
-Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
-intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
-and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
-best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
-we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
-
-"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
-%
-Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
-%
-Song Title of the Week:
-	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
-in me."
-%
-Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
-(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune).
-%
-Sorry, no fortune this time.
-%
-Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
-%
-Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
-road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Spare no expense to save money on this one.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
-	If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
-if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question
-back at him.
-%
-Speak roughly to your little boy,
-	And beat him when he sneezes:
-He only does it to annoy
-	Because he knows it teases.
-
-	Wow!  wow!  wow!
-
-I speak severely to my boy,
-	And beat him when he sneezes:
-For he can thoroughly enjoy
-	The pepper when he pleases!
-
-	Wow!  wow!  wow!
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
-%
-Speak roughly to your little VAX,
-	And boot it when it crashes;
-It knows that one cannot relax
-	Because the paging thrashes!
-
-		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
-
-I speak severely to my VAX,
-	And boot it when it crashes;
-In spite of all my favorite hacks
-	My jobs it always thrashes!
-
-		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
-%
-Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
-%
-Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
-		-- Dave Millman
-%
-Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
-sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
-cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free
-the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a
-bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a
-controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
-passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same
-memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,
-no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously
-designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
-%
-Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
-
-	With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
-	He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
-	And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
-	As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
-	Helpless users with projects due
-	Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
-
-	Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
-	Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"
-
-* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
-* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
-		-- Curtis Jackson
-%
-Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
-these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
-to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
-communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
-on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
-life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
-communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
-he can do is to Shut Up!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
-%
-Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
-%
-Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
-	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
-number of times you have looked at it.
-%
-Spelling is a lossed art.
-%
-Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
-%
-Spirtle, n.:
-	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
-your eye.
-		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
-%
-Spouse, n.:
-	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
-wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
-%
-Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
-drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
-greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll
-take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-Stay away from flying saucers today.
-%
-Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
-%
-Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
-%
-Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
-	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
-another drink.
-%
-Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
-	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
-handle.
-%
-Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
-%
-Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
-Now, if they'd only take a bath ...
-%
-Stult's Report:
-	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
-fight the solutions.
-%
-Stupid, adj.:
-	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
-%
-Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
-%
-Sturgeon's Law:
-	90% of everything is crud.
-%
-Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
-editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
-before it is understood.
-%
-Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
-%
-Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
-without his duck ...
-%
-(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
-
-	To code the impossible code,
-	To bring up a virgin machine,
-	To pop out of endless recursion,
-	To grok what appears on the screen,
-
-	To right the unrightable bug,
-	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
-	To mount the unmountable magtape,
-	To stop the unstoppable crash!
-%
-Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
-%
-Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
-%
-Support your local police force -- steal!!
-%
-Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
-%
-Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
-%
-Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
-%
-Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
-%
-Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
-in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
-the room is punishable under law:
-
-Name	#
-
-
-%
-Swahili, n.:
-	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
-		-- Johnny Hart
-%
-Sweater, n.:
-	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
-%
-Swipple's Rule of Order:
-	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
-%
-Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
-infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-      _
-  _  / \			   o
- / \ | |		       o	   o		 o
- | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o
- | \_| |  / \		      o			    o	 o
-  \__  |  | |		  o			      o
-     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____
-     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\ ~~~		 __/_____\__
-     |	___/	      / \--\\  \\   \ ___	<__  x x  __\
-     | |	     / /\\  \\	     ))	 \	   (  "	 )
-     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
-     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \	____)	(___	  \\
-     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\	   \\
-	 //	  |    (  \ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\
-	//	 (     )		      / /	  \` \__     \\
-       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
-
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
-start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
-music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-		-- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
-	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
-	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
-	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
-hole in his head.
-%
-Tact, n.:
-	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
-%
-Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
-%
-Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
-enough cheese.
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
-%
-Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
-needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
-		-- Kipling
-%
-Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content to sit
-back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
-beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
-drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
-nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
-and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So
-Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
-no need to improve ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
-your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
-and they'll call you crazy.
-		-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
-%
-Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-Talkers are no good doers.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
-	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
-	determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
-	stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.
-%
-Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
-the tree."
-		-- Russell Long
-%
-Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
-out of the market.
-%
-Taxes, n.:
-	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
-an extension.
-%
-Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they
-grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway.
-%
-Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
-%
-Technological progress has merely provided us
-with more efficient means for going backwards.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Telephone, n.:
-	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
-advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
-Is those things arms, or is they legs?
-I marvel at thee, Octopus;
-If I were thou, I'd call me us.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
-writing.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-Terence, this is stupid stuff:
-You eat your victuals fast enough;
-There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
-To see the rate you drink your beer.
-But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
-It gives a chap the belly-ache.
-The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
-It sleeps well the horned head:
-We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
-To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
-Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
-Your friends to death before their time.
-Moping, melancholy mad:
-Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
-surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
-hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
-hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother.
-		-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
-%
-Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
-pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
-until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
-ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
-because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
-fact, for he merely said:
-
-	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
-	it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
-	because it is impossible."
-
-Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
-philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-		-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
-
-(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
-%
-Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
-%
-Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
-%
-Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
-one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
-		-- J. Finnegan, USC.
-%
-Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
-		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
-%
-That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
-		-- Moliere
-%
-That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
-%
-That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
-%
-The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
-people who want some.
-		-- Dwight MacDonald
-%
-The Abrams' Principle:
-	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
-%
-The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-The Advertising Agency Song:
-
-	When your client's hopping mad,
-	Put his picture in the ad.
-	If he still should prove refractory,
-	Add a picture of his factory.
-%
-The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
-someone with it.
-		-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
-%
-... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
-consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
-of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
-listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
-River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
-Rock.
-%
-The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
-Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
-and color, but also on ability.
-		-- T. Lehrer
-%
-The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
-		-- Bill Murray
-%
-The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
-in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
-Declaration not for that, but for future use.
-		--  Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
-%
-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
-average man can see better than he can think.
-%
-The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
-people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
-anything.
-		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
-%
-The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
-cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
-difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
-which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
-here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
-RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you
-want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking
-lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
-squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
-and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
-his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
-neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
-lots.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
-called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
-writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind."  All patties would
-be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
-immediately before serving.  The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
-bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
-Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
-paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12".  The Lunch or Dinner Patty
-would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
-The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
-emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
-Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
-		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
-but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
-%
-The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-The best defense against logic is ignorance.
-%
-The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
-%
-"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
-blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
-You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
-night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
-love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
-know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only
-one thing for it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what
-wags it.  That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
-never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
-dream of regretting.  Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a
-lot of things there are to learn."
-		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
-%
-The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
-is a match.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-The bigger the theory the better.
-%
-The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
-time.
-		-- Merrick Furst
-%
-The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
-Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
-
-It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
-known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
-in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
-under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
-people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
-city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
-umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
-activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
-%
-The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
-%
-The bogosity meter just pegged.
-%
-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
-in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
-%
-The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
-	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
-program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
-convert to the next higher units.
-%
-The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
-Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
-automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
-		-- Art Buchwald
-%
-The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
-bureaucracy.
-%
-The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
-flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability
-of assembly language.
-%
-The camel has a single hump;
-The dromedary two;
-Or else the other way around.
-I'm never sure.  Are you?
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
-greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
-inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
-party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
-		-- G. Fitch
-%
-The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
-at the steam fitters' picnic.
-%
-The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-		-- Eric Sevareid
-%
-The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
-		-- Alfred Adler
-%
-The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
-walk carefully.
-		-- Russian Proverb
-%
-The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-%
-The Computer made me do it.
-%
-The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
-memos.
-		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
-subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
-every bird watcher in the country.
-		-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
-%
-The Consultant's Curse:
-	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
-what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
-medicine, and is normally only required once.
-%
-The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
-none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
-Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
-Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
-talked about.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-%
-The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
-%
-The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to
-eat.
-		-- John McNulty
-%
-The Crown is full of it!
-		-- Nate Harris, 1775
-%
-The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
-therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
-hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
-declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,
-then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
-Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
-		-- William Ellery Channing
-%
-The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-%
-The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
-us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
-Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
-%
-The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
-%
-The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
-%
-The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
-into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
-out again, it would be a calamity.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
-requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
-following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
-
-	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
-Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
-Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
-	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
-Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
-Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
-Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
-goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
-Jews won't go near them ..."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
-a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
-%
-The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
-really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
-		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
-%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
-off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
-next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
-duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
-duck and returned it to his master.
-	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
-	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
-%
-The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
-and owns the worm farm.
-		-- Travis McGee
-%
-The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
-%
-The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
-add ten percent.
-%
-The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
-weather forecasters.
-		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
-%
-The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
-Compute' -- I forget which.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
-civilization.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
-symposium to follow.
-%
-The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
-their children to speak it.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
-remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-The fact that it works is immaterial.
-		-- L. Ogborn
-%
-The faster we go, the rounder we get.
-		-- The Grateful Dead
-%
-The Fifth Rule:
-	You have taken yourself too seriously.
-%
-The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-		-- Abbie Hoffman
-%
-The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
-Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
-tragic death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
-forks.  Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
-fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
-threatening notes left on his breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked
-suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
-foul play.  Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
-one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some were found strangled with
-dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A few were found
-drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
-and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
-thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
-of grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left
-in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
-crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave
-Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
-a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
-throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
-management is that success equals skill.
-		-- Robert Heller
-%
-The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
-child, was propounded to me by my father:
-	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
-whistles?"
-	I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
-gave up.
-	"A herring," said my father.
-	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
-	"So hang it there."
-	"But a herring isn't green!"  I protested.
-	"Paint it."
-	"But a herring isn't wet."
-	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
-	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
-doesn't whistle!!"
-	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it
-hard."
-		-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
-%
-The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your
-hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
-		-- McCloctnik the Lucid
-%
-The First Rule of Program Optimization:
-	Don't do it.
-
-The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
-	Don't do it yet.
-		-- Michael Jackson
-%
-The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
-The second, a trick.
-Later, it's a well-established technique!
-		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
-%
-The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
-Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
-
-As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
-logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
-appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
-four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
-	. . .
-Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
-blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves
-parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
-of the hyper-cube.
-%
-The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
-a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
-%
-The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
-number of your kids by 32 teeth.
-%
-The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
-chance.
-%
-The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
-%
-The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
-center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
-Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
-End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
-%
-The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
-today.
-%
-The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
-least until we've finished building it.
-%
-The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
-The goal of nature is to build better mice.
-%
-The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
-love and he invented marriage.
-%
-THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
-	The one who has the gold makes the rules.
-%
-The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
-make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians
-have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
-man in the bonds of Hell.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
-to be good.
-%
-	"The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
-
-On the good ship Enterprise
-Every week there's a new surprise
-Where the Romulans lurk
-And the Klingons often go berserk.
-
-Yes, the good ship Enterprise
-There's excitement anywhere it flies
-Where Tribbles play
-And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
-
-	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
-	Mr. Spock is at his side.
-	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
-	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
-
-It's the good ship Enterprise
-Heading out where danger lies
-And you live in dread
-If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
-		-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
-%
-The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
-statistics.  These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
-extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
-displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
-case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
-down anything he damn well pleases.
-		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
-%
-The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
-who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
-	The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
-courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
-clerks.  Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
-of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
-Hedgehog Eater.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
-of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
-		-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
-%
-The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a
-custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the
-contrary, nohow.
-%
-The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
-	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
-%
-The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
-thinkers.
-%
-The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
-which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
-least 5000 years old."
-%
-The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
-lists of "Ten Best".
-		-- H. Allen Smith
-%
-The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
-has gills through which it can see.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
-capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
-%
-The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
-protein -- it rejects it.
-		-- P. Medawar
-%
-The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
-remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
-struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
-spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
-wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
-off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
-procession but carrying a banner.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-		-- Ashley Montague
-%
-The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
-devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
-where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
-sledgehammers.  With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
-consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
-have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
-repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
-of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
-devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
-		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
-		-- Franco Spisani
-%
-The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
-has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
-when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
-point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
-important thing to people.
-		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
-%
-The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
-number of participants.
-		-- Adam Walinsky
-%
-The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
-by the number of people in the group.
-%
-The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
-information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
-dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
-real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
-
-So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
-pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
-consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-The Kennedy Constant:
-	Don't get mad -- get even.
-%
-The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
-%
-The ladies men admire, I've heard,
-Would shudder at a wicked word.
-Their candle gives a single light;
-They'd rather stay at home at night.
-They do not keep awake till three,
-Nor read erotic poetry.
-They never sanction the impure,
-Nor recognize an overture.
-They shrink from powders and from paints ...
-So far, I've had no complaints.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a
-word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about
-drugs."
-		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
-%
-The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
-law free.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
-poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
-bread.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all
-men should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the
-universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
-presently imagine we own.
-		-- H. G. Wells
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
-
-SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
-Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
-Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
-with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
-END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
-a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
-they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
-the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
-
-This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
-an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
-to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
-
-SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
-Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
-compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
-coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
-sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
-compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
-infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
-
-Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
-unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
-are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
-SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
-parties.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
-
-This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
-submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
-best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
-language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
-statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
-similar to COBOL.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
-
-FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
-refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
-JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
-BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
-CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
-
-The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
-financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
-VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
-and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
-who end up using this language.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
-
-Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
-Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The
-language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
-and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A
-spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
-ours."
-
-The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have
-almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
-organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
-exist.
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
-From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
-VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
-
-Here is a sample program:
-	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
-	IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
-	   VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
-		FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
-			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
-			BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
-		SURE
-	LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
-	REALLY
-	LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
-	IM*SURE
-	GOTO THE MALL
-
-When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
-
-	GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
-%
-	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
-
-This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
-Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
-the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
-
-The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
-because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
-Perrier.
-
-Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
-and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
-case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
-message:
-	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
-	you find the time to try it again?"
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
-train.
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
-%
-The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
-much sleep.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
-we could with both of them.
-		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-The makers may make
-And the users may use,
-But the fixers must fix
-With but minimal clues
-%
-The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
-crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
-one has ever been.
-		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
-%
-The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
-will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
-soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
-when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
-%
-... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
-%
-	The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
-klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
-
-	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
-
-	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
-The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
-devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
-%
-The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
-be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
-law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
-guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
-Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
-Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
-of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
-power.
-		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
-		   Thinking."
-%
-The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
-		-- Laurence J. Peter
-%
-The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
-		-- Nicol Williamson
-%
-The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
-%
-The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
-%
-The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
-lower the mailing cost.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-The more laws and order are made prominent,
-the more thieves and robbers there will be.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-The more things change, the more they stay insane.
-%
-The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
-is right.
-%
-The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
-		-- Andy Warhol
-%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
-to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
-		-- Theodore H. White
-%
-The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
-discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
-%
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
-	"... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
-	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
-feel interested.
-	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
-vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
-Aged Man.'"
-	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
-Alice corrected herself.
-	"No, you oughtn't:  that's quite another thing!  The song is
-called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
-	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
-completely bewildered.
-	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
-"A-sitting on a Gate":  and the tune's my own invention."
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
-1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
-		-- D. Letterman
-%
-The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
-	Support your right to bare arms!
-%
-The net of law is spread so wide,
-No sinner from its sweep may hide.
-Its meshes are so fine and strong,
-They take in every child of wrong.
-O wondrous web of mystery!
-Big fish alone escape from thee!
-		-- James Jeffrey Roche
-%
-The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
-hope I don't get run over again.
-%
-The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
-in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
-
-	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
-	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-		-- Matthew 5:37
-%
-The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
-Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
-The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
-and running the country ...
-		-- Robert J. Woodhead
-%
-The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
-choose from.
-		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
-80-column card.
-		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
-serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
-these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
-function is to serve as checks upon the state.
-		-- Alan Barth
-%
-The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
-correct.
-		-- Ralph Hartley
-%
-The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
-analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
-occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
-these problems when called upon.
-
-However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
-remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
-	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
-Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
-Planning."
-%
-The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
-%
-The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
-brings wisdom.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
-catch his own breath.
-		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
-%
-The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
-to cringe.
-%
-The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
-`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
-and take a rest.
-%
-The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
-		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
-		   Over and Over"
-%
-The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
-%
-The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
-has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
-finished, and put inside boxes.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
-It is never any use to oneself.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
-		-- Hegel
-
-I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
-long view.
-		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
-%
-The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
-until 5 or 6 p.m.
-%
-The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-The optimum committee has no members.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
-went back in time.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
-it isn't here.
-		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
-%
-The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
-were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
-Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
-large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
-it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
-apparatus for a spectator sport.
-
-	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
-Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
-Let others think his heart is big,
-I think it stupid of the Pig.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
-swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
-batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
-center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
-his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
-		-- Dizzy Dean
-%
-The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
-		-- David Lardner
-%
-The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
-to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it
-is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
-courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
-preferences.  Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
-social function of expressing true distaste.
-		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
-		   Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
-%
-The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.
-%
-The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
-	Were each of them once a kiddie.
-A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
-	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
-brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
-Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
-		-- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
-%
-The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
-they might force their beliefs on us.
-		-- Mario Cuomo
-%
-The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
-warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
-changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
-marker.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
-constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
-appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
-statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
-also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
-%
-The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
-voters to win the next election.
-%
-The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
-represents the secondary theme:
-
-	Law Enforcement Officials
-
-The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
-
-	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
-
-		-- M. Gallaher
-%
-... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
-other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
-charity we can only call "inhuman."
-		-- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
-stupidity of your action.
-%
-The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
-Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
-using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
-Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
-etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
-bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None
-of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
-developed cancer.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
-to erase it.
-		-- Glaser and Way
-%
-The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
-results.
-
-The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
-problems in order to get results.
-
-The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
-problems in order to get results.
-%
-The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
-pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
-		-- Elizabeth Taylor
-%
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-%
-The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
-outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
-mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
-tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
-the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-"The pyramid is opening!"
-"Which one?"
-"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-		-- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
-		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
-%
-The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
-	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
-%
-The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is
-it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
-that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
-industrial waste?
-		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-The rain it raineth on the just
-	And also on the unjust fella,
-But chiefly on the just, because
-	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
-		--Lord Bowen
-%
-The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
-cursed.
-%
-The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
-%
-The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
-which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
-Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
-Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
-persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
-progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The revolution will not be televised.
-%
-The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-		-- Emerson
-%
-The rhino is a homely beast,
-For human eyes he's not a feast.
-Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
-I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
-means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
-%
-The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
-and to his imagination for his facts.
-		-- Sheridan
-%
-The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
-House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
-you have and what rights you have not got.
-		-- J. Parnell Thomas
-%
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
-sloppy analysis!
-%
-The Roman Rule
-	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
-	one who is doing it.
-%
-The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
-his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
-one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
-take it too seriously.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
-give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
-		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
-%
-"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
-%
-The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
-showed that all had these things in common:
-
-	(1) They all had moderate appetites.
-	(2) They all came from middle class homes
-	(3) All but two of them were dead.
-%
-The scum also rises.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
-respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven millstones
-from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
-millstones are lifted.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
-as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
-The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
-the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
-twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
-
-	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
-everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
-fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
-and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
-
-	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
-
-	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
-		-- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
-%
-The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
-%
-The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-		-- Noelie Alito
-%
-The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
-	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
-in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
-way.)
-		-- Dan Roddick
-%
-The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
-and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
-activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
-neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
-%
-The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
-money.
-		-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
-%
-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
-%
-The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
-able to correct them.
-		-- Nicolaides
-%
-The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
-%
-The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
-readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
-some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
-reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
-the field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well
-known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
-Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
-of preparation and incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of
-psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
-Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick.  That
-these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
-further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
-something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
-the Russians.
-		-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
-%
-	     "Yoda", by "Weird Al" Yankovic;
-	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
-
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
-	S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
-	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-%
-The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
-%
-The steady state of disks is full.
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-		      THE STORY OF CREATION
-			       or
-			 THE MYTH OF URK
-
-In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
-and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
-was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
-registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
-and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
-Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
-and there was morning, one interrupt.
-		-- Rico Tudor
-%
-The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
-them unsafe.
-		-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
-%
-The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
-is an emerging underachiever.
-%
-The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
-biology.
-%
-The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
-even any property taxes.
-		-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
-%
-The sum of the Universe is zero.
-%
-The sun was shining on the sea,
-Shining with all his might:
-He did his very best to make
-The billows smooth and bright --
-And this was very odd, because it was
-The middle of the night.
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-The superfluous is very necessary.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
-authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
-the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
-the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
-radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
-as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
-receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
-Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
-heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
-the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
-heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
-radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
-earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
-cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
-fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
-burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
-that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
-have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-		-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
-%
-The Third Law of Photography:
-	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
-when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
-leaks out.
-%
-The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
-
-The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.
-The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break
-		even.
-The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.
-%
-		The Three Major Kind of Tools
-
-* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
-  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
-  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
-  bludgeons, and truncheons.)
-
-* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)
-
-* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
-  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
-  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
-  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-The trouble with a kitten is that
-When it grows up, it's always a cat
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
-%
-The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
-it.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
-more important to do.
-%
-The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
-appreciates how difficult it was.
-%
-The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
-		-- Ken Kesey
-%
-The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
-And vice versa.
-%
-The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
-Which practically conceal its sex.
-I think it clever of the turtle
-In such a fix to be so fertile.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-%
-The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
-annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
-"100 percent American"...
-		-- U. S. Army (1945)
-%
-The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
-everybody and still nobody likes him.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
-broken.
-%
-The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
-combination is locked up in the safe.
-		-- Peter DeVries
-%
-The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
-Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
-to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
-decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
-%
-The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
-religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
-from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
-yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
-world put together.
-		-- Sir Peter Medawar
-%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
-regarded as a criminal offense.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
-the worst cigars.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
-prejudice.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
-Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
-to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
-be one of the facts that needs altering.
-		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
-%
-The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
-it's just a tired feeling:
-%
-The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
-%
-The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
-that would be clearly understood.
-		-- Alexander Haig
-%
-The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
-with a large fortune.
-%
-	THE WOMBAT
-
-The wombat lives across the seas,
-Among the far Antipodes.
-He may exist on nuts and berries,
-Or then again, on missionaries;
-His distant habitat precludes
-Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
-But I would not engage the wombat
-In any form of mortal combat.
-%
-The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
-%
-The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
-%
-The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
-%
-The world's as ugly as sin,
-And almost as delightful.
-		-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
-%
-The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
-four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
-the answers.
-%
-Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
-
-He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
-then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
-market.
-
-If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
-not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
-
-Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
-Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
-Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-Then here's to the City of Boston,
-The town of the cries and the groans.
-Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
-And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
-		-- Franklin Pierce Adams
-%
-	THEORY
-Into love and out again,
-	Thus I went and thus I go.
-Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
-	Well and bitterly I know
-All the songs were ever sung,
-	All the words were ever said;
-Could it be, when I was young,
-	Someone dropped me on my head?
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
-%
-There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
-and praiseworthy ...
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own
-cats.
-%
-There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
-are chosen correctly.
-%
-There are no games on this system.
-%
-There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
-existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
-marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
-engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
-obviously impossible.
-				-- Richard Davisson
-%
-There are people so addicted to exaggeration
-that they can't tell the truth without lying.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
-vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
-someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
-Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
-Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
-every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
-this?
-	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
-centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
-can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
-forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
--- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
-even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
-why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
-plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
-and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
-don't we all?
-%
-There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
-and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
-pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
-them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
-stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
-intelligence.
-		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
-%
-There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-		-- Disraeli
-%
-There are three possibilities:
-Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
-there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or
-someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
-%
-There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
-offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin
-a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
-of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of
-affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
-When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
-Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
-		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
-%
-There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
-engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
-the more certain.
-		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
-%
-There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring
-the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many
-facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next
-fact; that's science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent
-Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
-Factor; that's engineering.
-%
-There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
-can't remember.
-		-- Italo Svevo
-%
-There are three ways to get something done:
-	(1) Do it yourself.
-	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
-	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
-someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
-one of them.
-%
-There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
-the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
-sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
-sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
-make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
-other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
-deficiencies.
-		-- C. A. R. Hoare
-%
-There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
-other is to read Pope.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
-works.
-%
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
-suitable application of high explosives.
-%
-There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
-		-- R. W. Gerard
-%
-There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
-than 100.
-		-- Steele's Law
-%
-There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
-nothing about.
-%
-There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
-opinion.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
-paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
-%
-There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-%
-There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
-tied during the month of April.
-%
-There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
-		-- Walt Disney
-%
-There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
-what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
-disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
-inexplicable.
-
-There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-		-- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
-tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
-abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
-war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
-of course.
-		-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
-%
-There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-		-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
-		   Convention, 1977
-%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
-%
-There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
-%
-There is no time like the pleasant.
-%
-There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
-doing.
-%
-There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
-There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong.
-%
-"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
-said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.  "And yet just
-a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
-question," said Nasrudin.  "I could have answered it if I had been
-there." "Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
-the middle of the night?'"
-%
-There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
-ocean level wouldn't cure.
-		-- Ross MacDonald
-%
-There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
-that is not being talked about.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
-returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
-		-- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
-%
-There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
-left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
-Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
-started debating who should be allowed to stay.
-
-The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
-over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
-would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
-said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
-thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
-votes.
-%
-There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
-both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
-talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
-during the trial.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
-the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
-digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
-8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
-transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
-stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
-feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
-systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
-first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
-satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
-telephone business?
-%
-There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not
-a fence.
-%
-There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
-%
-There's little in taking or giving,
-	There's little in water or wine:
-This living, this living, this living,
-	Was never a project of mine.
-Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
-	The gain of the one at the top,
-For art is a form of catharsis,
-	And love is a permanent flop,
-And work is the province of cattle,
-	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
-So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
-	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
-whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-There's no future in time travel.
-%
-There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
-any worse.
-%
-There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
-%
-There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
-working for you.
-		-- Will Rodgers
-%
-There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and
-dead armadillos.
-		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
-%
-There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them
-won't aggravate.
-%
-There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
-what it is I'll get married again.
-		-- Clint Eastwood
-%
-There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
-becoming an endangered synthetic.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
-"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
-"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
-out of MEGATON MAN!"
-%
-These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
-used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
-%
-They also surf who only stand on waves.
-%
-They make a desert and call it peace.
-		-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
-%
-They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
-always spell better than they pronounce.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
-safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
-%
-They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
-%
-They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
-	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
-The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
-	But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.
-
-He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
-	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
-And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
-	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.
-
-My notion was to start again
-	Ignoring all they'd done
-We quickly turned it into code
-	To see if it would run.
-%
-They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
-%
-They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like.
-		-- Avon
-%
-Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
-%
-Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
-%
-Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
-%
-Think honk if you're a telepath.
-%
-Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
-%
-Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
-crashes.
-%
-Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
-%
-"Thirty days hath Septober,
-April, June, and no wonder.
-all the rest have peanut butter
-except my father who wears red suspenders."
-%
-This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
-%
-This fortune cookie program is out of order.  For those in desperate need,
-please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
-characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
-something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
-more profound than THIS program has ever been.
-%
-This fortune intentionally not included.
-%
-This fortune is false.
-%
-This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
-%
-This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
-regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
-%
-This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG.
-		-- Bob Violence
-%
-This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
-actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
-%
-This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
-because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
-which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
-"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
-consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
-rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
-oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
-Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
-over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
-innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
-passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
-amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
-apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
-and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
-%
-This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
-%
-This is for all ill-treated fellows
-	Unborn and unbegot,
-For them to read when they're in trouble
-	And I am not.
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
-to one.
-		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
-%
-This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
-%
-THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
-
-If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
-contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
-without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
-contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
-can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
-for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
-difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
-and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
-"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
-you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
-Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
-30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
-Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
-more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
-%
-This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
-%
-This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
-power of computers:
-
-Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
-the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
-minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
-results are that one should eat each day:
-
-	1/2 chicken
-	1 egg
-	1 glass of skim milk
-	27 heads of lettuce.
-		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
-%
-This is the story of the bee
-Whose sex is very hard to see
-
-You cannot tell the he from the she
-But she can tell, and so can he
-
-The little bee is never still
-She has no time to take the pill
-
-And that is why, in times like these
-There are so many sons of bees.
-%
-This is your fortune.
-%
-This land is full of trousers!
-this land is full of mausers!
-	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
-		-- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-This land is made of mountains,
-This land is made of mud,
-This land has lots of everything,
-For me and Elmer Fudd.
-
-This land has lots of trousers,
-This land has lots of mousers,
-And pussycats to eat them
-When the sun goes down.
-%
-This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
-you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
-to go.
-%
-This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
-%
-This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
-great force.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
-the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
-solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
-largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
-which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
-paper that were unhappy.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
-something child-like.
-		-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
-%
-This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
-student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
-
-	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
-	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
-	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
-	which identifies errors in the original program.
-%
-This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
-		-- Douglas Hofstadter
-%
-... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
-as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
-determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.  Eighties people
-buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s
-couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
-weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
-they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
-restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
-excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
-off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
-a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
-%
-	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
-rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
-than he does.
-	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
-it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
-sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
-consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is
-being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
-	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can
-do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
-honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
-be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
-relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
-Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.
-This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
-		   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
-		   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
-Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
-of us who do.
-%
-Those who can't write, write manuals.
-%
-Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
-%
-Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
-		-- French Proverb
-%
-Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-		-- Henry Spencer
-%
-Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
-for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
-surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
-		-- Mark B. Cohen
-%
-Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
-%
-Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
-will make violent revolution inevitable.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
-men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
-without the roar of its many waters.
-		-- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
-the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
-Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
-whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
-fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
-more about the matter than the others.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Time flies like an arrow
-Fruit flies like a banana
-%
-Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
-%
-Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
-		-- Ford Prefect
-%
-Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
-once.
-%
-'Tis the dream of each programmer,
-Before his life is done,
-To write three lines of APL,
-And make the damn things run.
-%
-		(to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
-Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
-Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
-And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
-Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
-Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
-And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
-And we've also found			Just flip one switch
-When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
-You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
-						in a flash.
-Oh, it's so much fun,			When the CPU
-Now the CPU won't run			Can print nothing out but "foo,"
-And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash.
-%
-	To A Quick Young Fox:
-Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
-Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
-Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
-Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-		-- Lazy Dog
-%
-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
-%
-To be is to do.
-		-- I. Kant
-To do is to be.
-		-- A. Sartre
-Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-		-- F. Flintstone
-%
-To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
-this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
-offer in response is based on information available to make no such
-statement.
-%
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
-call it the target.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System
-%
-To err is human, to moo bovine.
-%
-To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
-		-- B. Duggan
-%
-To generalize is to be an idiot.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
-men, two of them absent.
-%
-To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-		-- Thomas Edison
-%
-To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
-		-- Robert Heller
-%
-To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
-%
-To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
-a test load.
-%
-To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
-system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
-inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
-precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel,
-uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
-well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
-of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
-secure ecological niche.
-		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
-%
-To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
-telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local
-computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
-in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
-lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
-
-Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
-suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
-computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
-one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
-break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
-incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
-an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
-pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
-loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
-and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
-		   Phones?"
-%
-To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
-%
-To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
-%
-Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
-%
-Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-%
-Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
-
-And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more
-spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog.
-		-- Bob & Ray
-%
-Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
-except in major motion pictures.
-		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
-	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
-creating endless annoyance to male users.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
-%
-Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Too clever is dumb.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Too much of everything is just enough.
-		-- Bob Wier
-%
-Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
-briefcases.
-		-- Governor Jerry Brown
-%
-Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
- 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
-  9) You question the worthiness of my code?  I should kill you where you stand!
-  8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
-  7) What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
-     Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
-     assurance people in its wake.
-  6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
-     - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
-  5) Debugging?  Klingons do not debug.  Our software does not coddle the weak.
-  4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
-  3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS.  It has FEATURES, and those features
-     are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
-  2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
-     original Klingon.
-  1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software!  Ship it!
-     Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
-%
-Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
-earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
-As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
-Please...
-
-			CONSERVE GRAVITY
-
-Follow these simple suggestions:
-
-(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
-(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
-(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
-     curling.
-(4)  Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
-(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
-     pile.
-(6)  Stop flipping pancakes
-%
-Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
-%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
-in eucalyptus trees.
-%
-Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
-		-- Henrik Tikkanen
-%
-Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
-%
-Truthful, adj.:
-	Dumb and illiterate.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-		-- Charles Schulz
-%
-Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
-%
-Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
-is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
-in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
-pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
-defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
-absolutely perfect future.
-		-- Amrom Katz
-%
-Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
-%
-Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
-specification is that it should run noiselessly.
-%
-Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
-		-- Alan Watts
-%
-Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
-%
-Turnaucka's Law:
-	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
-electrical cord.
-%
-Tussman's Law:
-	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-%
-TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
-Did gyre and gimble in their cave
-All mimsy was the CS-VAX
-And Cory raths outgrabe.
-
-"Beware the software rot, my son!
-The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
-Beware the broken pipe, and shun
-The frumious system crash!"
-%
-		'Twas the Night before Crisis
-
-'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
-	Not a program was working not even a browse.
-The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
-	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
-The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
-	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
-When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
-	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
-And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
-	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
-More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
-	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
-On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
-	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
-His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
-	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
-A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
-	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
-%
-'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
-   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
-   throughout our place of residence,
-Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
-   possessors of this potential, including that
-   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
-Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
-   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
-Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
-   imminent visitation from an eccentric
-   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
-   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
-%
-Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man
-said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The
-second man said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his
-chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded
-only in falling over and bruising his forehead.  Returning to the
-courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
-If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
-dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
-must pay three silver pieces."
-%
-Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
-%
-Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
-I forget the second.
-%
-Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
-%
-U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
-	Run right up and rub its horn.
-	Look at all those points you're losing!
-	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
-
-(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
-		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
-%
-UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
-%
-"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
-
-"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
-right?"
-		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
-	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
-hammer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
-just man is also a prison.
-%
-Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it
-can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
-%
-Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
-	Superiority is recessive.
-%
-Unfair animal names:
-
--- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
--- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
--- sapsucker			-- Clarence
-		-- Gary Larson
-%
-United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
-Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
-all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
-all the patriots of every persuasion.
-
-Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
-world.
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-Universe, n.:
-	The problem.
-%
-University, n.:
-	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
-usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
-fix it, and ...
-%
-unix soit qui mal y pense
-%
-UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
-Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
-		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-Unnamed Law:
-	If it happens, it must be possible.
-%
-Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
-twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-		-- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
-%
-User n.:
-	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
-%
-USER, n.:
-	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
-%
-Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
-		-- S. C. Johnson
-%
-Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
-opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-		-- Doug Larson
-%
-Vail's Second Axiom:
-	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
-amount of work already completed.
-%
-Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
-Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
-		-- Tom Chapin
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
-	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-%
-Vanilla, adj.:
-	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
-very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
-extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
-"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
-and sour won ton soup.
-%
-Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
-	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
-	    once.
-	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
-	    points.
-%
-Veni, Vidi, Visa.
-%
-	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past
-year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley
-reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
-artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue
-moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
-Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the
-entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the
-sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
-
-	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
-
-	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
-good copy."
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
-%
-Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
-Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
-      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
-%
-Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-		-- Salvor Hardin
-%
-Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
-yard.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
-	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
-	ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
-	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
-	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
-	that old underwear you own.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
-	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
-	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
-	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
-	drivers.
-%
-"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
-%
-Virtue is its own punishment.
-%
-Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
-from where you left them to where you can't find them.
-%
-Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
-%
-VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
-%
-Vote anarchist.
-%
-Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
-TAX-DEFERRED!
-%
-VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
-%
-
-	*** System shutdown message from root ***
-
-System going down in 60 seconds
-
-
-%
-Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
-1st customer: "I'll have tea."
-2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
-	(Waiter exits, returns)
-Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
-%
-Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
-%
-War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-		-- Charles Edward Montague
-%
-War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
-%
-	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
-WARNING:
-	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
-mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
-your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
-%
-Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
-those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
-up.
-		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
-%
-Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
-%
-Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
-%
-Wasting time is an important part of living.
-%
-Watson's Law:
-	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
-number and significance of any persons watching it.
-%
-We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which
-divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
-correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
-		-- Whole Earth Catalog
-%
-We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
-%
-We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
-socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
-bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
-socialism?
-		-- Fidel Castro
-%
-We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-		-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
-%
-We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
-%
-We can predict everything, except the future.
-%
-We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
-deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
-		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
-%
-We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
-		-- Vroomfondel
-%
-We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company.
-%
-We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
-fish.
-%
-We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
-hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
-%
-We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
-		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
-%
-We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
-hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
-mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
-our grave singing Haleleuia ...
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
-back to normal, and that they already have.
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
-hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
-official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
-Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
-you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
-said "ELECTROCUTION".
-
-Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
-teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
-process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
-couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
-out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
-stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
-floor, which is how the police would find you.
-
-You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
-%
-We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
-purely intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start
-with?  Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
-playing of chess, would be best.  It can also be maintained that it is
-best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
-buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
-		-- Alan M. Turing
-%
-We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
-respect their good judgement.
-%
-We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
-no matter how self-seeking.
-		-- F. G. Withington
-%
-We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
-people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
-For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
-to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
-fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
-primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
-ugly paneling is to begin with.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
-friends are trying to kill us.
-%
-	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
-But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
-Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
-	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
-her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
-had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
-told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was
-lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
-fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
-what men must do. ...
-	"Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
-sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
-not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
-quiet and peace I will never forget.
-	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
-tollway belle's for thee."
-	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
-a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
-poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
-		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
-		   Competition
-%
-We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
-technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
-%
-We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
-we will cry over things we used to laugh &
-our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
-creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
-in the end a summer with wild winds &
-new friends will be.
-%
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-And a Sun Myung Moon!
-		-- Maxwell Smart
-%
-We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
-%
-We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
-the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
-you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
-in his bowl full of jelly.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-We're only in it for the volume.
-		-- Black Sabbath
-%
-We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
-of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
-but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
-		-- Andy Rooney
-%
-Weiler's Law:
-	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-%
-Weinberg's First Law:
-	Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
-%
-Weinberg's Principle:
-	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
-sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
-%
-Weinberg's Second Law:
-	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
-then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-%
-Weiner's Law of Libraries:
-	There are no answers, only cross references.
-%
-Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
-you run out of food.
-		-- Dean McLaughlin
-%
-Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
-lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a
-governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
-reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
-contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men
-will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
-most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
-appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
-morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
-interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
-guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
-the entire show without answering a single question ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
-back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
-or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
-they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
-		-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
-%
-Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
-you believe?!
-		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
-%
-Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
-	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
-I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
-	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
-	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
-'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
-	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
-	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
-Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
-	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-		-- Core Dumped Blues
-%
-"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
-
-"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
-coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
-no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
-hundred."
-		-- The Mahabharata
-%
-Westheimer's Discovery:
-	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
-couple of hours in the library.
-%
-Wethern's Law:
-	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
-%
-"What are we going to do?"
-
-"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for
-something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
-short initiation period."
-%
-"What are you doing?"
-
-"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
-that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
-initiation period."
-%
-What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
-%
-	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
-teenager asked her mother.
-	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
-%
-What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
-%
-What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
-%
-What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
-%
-What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
-%
-What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
-that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
-country. Nice try anyway, George.
-		-- D. J. on KSFO/KYA
-%
-What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
-entrance?
-%
-What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
-in his footsteps?
-%
-What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
-stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
-barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
-from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
-while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our
-dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
-powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
-bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
-one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
-lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
-you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
-if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
-that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
-they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
-flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-What I tell you three times is true.
-%
-What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
-with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
-came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
-parties.
-		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
-%
-What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
-		-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
-%
-What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
-definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
-worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
-		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
-%
-What is mind?  No matter.
-What is matter?  Never mind.
-		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
-%
-What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
-computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
-and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
-%
-"What is the Nature of God?"
-
-    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
-    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
-    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
-    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
-    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
-
-"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
-		-- Bloom County
-%
-What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
-which is the exact opposite.
-		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
-%
-What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
-%
-What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
-to compare it with.
-%
-What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
-It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
-and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
-and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
-women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
-mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
-and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
-		-- Susan Gordon
-%
-What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
-%
-What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
-%
-What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
-%
-What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
-%
-What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
-%
-What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
-		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
-What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
-nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
-Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
-remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
-process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
-be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
-		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
-%
-What's another word for Thesaurus?
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-	"What's that thing?"
-	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
-computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
-it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
-		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
-What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-Whatever became of eternal truth?
-%
-Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
-cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
-as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
-hundred dollar bills."
-		-- Herb Caen
-%
-Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
-nailed down.
-		-- Collis P. Huntingdon
-%
-Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!
-		-- Mom
-%
-When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
-money is.
-		-- Robespierre
-%
-When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
-thing," it's the money.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
-loop?
-%
-When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
-not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
-travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
-		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
-sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
-relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
-		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-When all other means of communication fail, try words.
-%
-When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
-tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
-		-- Reuben Flagg
-%
-When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
-the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
-		-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
-%
-When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
-think it was a Tuesday.
-%
-When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
-guarantee them.
-%
-When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
-parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
-I'm leaving.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
-year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
-winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
-ladies, and, of course, the goat.
-%
-When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
-I'm beginning to believe it.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
-take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
-and get you."
-		-- Jerry Lewis
-%
-When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
-firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
-the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
-act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
-group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
-six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
-together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
-Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
-responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
-establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
-been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
-together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
-		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
-%
-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
-or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
-cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
-go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
-%
-When in doubt, tell the truth.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-When in doubt, use brute force.
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-When in panic, fear and doubt,
-Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
-%
-When love is gone, there's always justice.
-And when justice is gone, there's always force.
-And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
-Hi, Mom!
-		-- Laurie Anderson
-%
-When Marriage is Outlawed,
-Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
-%
-When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
-results.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
-concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
-and I find I mind it less and less."
-		-- Louise Andrews Kent
-%
-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
-for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
-your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
-		-- Daniel B. Luten
-%
-When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
-say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
-		-- Jon Carroll
-%
-When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
-modify the problem, not the remedy.
-%
-When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
-the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
-nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
-metaphysics.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
-stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
-from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
-were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
-corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
-plane will fly.
-		-- Donald Douglas
-%
-When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
-insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
-required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
-exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
-not hereditary.
-		-- Thomas Paine
-%
-When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
-except our fingertips will have been singed.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
-investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
-so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
-swayed, directly to the goal.
-		-- Amrom Katz
-%
-When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
-%
-When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
-to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
-	In a way, the next move is up to him.
-		-- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
-		-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
-%
-When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
-asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
-know the answer either.
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-		-- The Wall Street Journal
-%
-When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
-impression you will make.
-%
-When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
-Wretched, bored, dejected; only
-Here's the rub, my darling dear
-I feel the same when you are near.
-		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
-%
-When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
-%
-Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
-		-- Dave Parnas
-%
-Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
-see it tried on him personally.
-		-- A. Lincoln
-%
-Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
-you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
-Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-		-- Mark Twain
-		   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
-%
-Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
-to reform.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
-
-	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
-	When it's converted to energy?
-	There is a slight loss of parity.
-	Johnny's so long at the fair.
-%
-Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
-is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
-%
-Whether you can hear it or not
-The Universe is laughing behind your back
-		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
-%
-While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
-admission to someone else.
-%
-While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
-The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
-While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
-And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
-Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
-The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
-		   November 26, 1792
-%
-While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
-%
-While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
-keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
-		-- Edward Stevenson
-%
-While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
-form of misery.
-%
-While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
-%
-While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
-correctness never does.
-%
-While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
-reassuring to know that it's still there.
-%
-While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
-safe, for you can watch both of his.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Whistler's Law:
-	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
-charge.
-%
-Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
-Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ...
-%
-Who made the world I cannot tell;
-'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
-My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
-I never soiled with such a deed.
-		-- A. E. Housman
-%
-Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
-%
-Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
-%
-Who's on first?
-%
-"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
-		-- George Ade
-%
-Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
-%
-Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
-%
-Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
-have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
-		-- Ian Shoales
-%
-Why be a man when you can be a success?
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
-have?
-%
-Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
-%
-Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
-avoid responsibility with?
-%
-Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
-What is the Latin for office automation?
-%
-Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
-%
-Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
-there must be a beverage.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
-more lawyers?
-
-New Jersey had first choice.
-%
-Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
-
-Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but ...
-	-- I have to floss my cat.
-	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
-	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
-%
-Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
-because we are not the person involved
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
-%
-Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
-you knowing nothing?
-		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
-%
-Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
-Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
-children open their old-fashioned presents.
-
-Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
-
-You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
-	falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"
-
-Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
-	with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
-	and I get this cretin TOP?"
-
-Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."
-
-You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"
-
-Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-Why was I born with such contemporaries?
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
-	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
-when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
-direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
-		-- John L. Shelton
-%
-Wiker's Law:
-	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
-%
-		William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-
-Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
-be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
-agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
-out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
-of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
-not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
-conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
-sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
-close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
-words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
-must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
-linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
-metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
-be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
-writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
-the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
-viable alternatives.
-%
-Williams and Holland's Law:
-	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
-statistical methods.
-%
-Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
-it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
-%
-Wit, n.:
-	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
-... by leaving it out.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
-try to be a fraud and a half.
-		-- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
-build a nuclear balm?
-%
-With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
-miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
-still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
-such thing as progress.
-		-- Ransom K. Ferm
-%
-With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment,
-this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the
-chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable".
-Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud.
-The sales department had awoken.
-%
-Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
-%
-Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
-	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
-	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
-	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
-	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
-	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
-	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
-		-- Rich Kulawiec
-%
-Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
-you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
-down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
-tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
-long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
-there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
-come back.
-
-Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
-when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
-Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
-cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
-heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
-beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
-and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
-although their insurance rates went way up.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
-	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage
-any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
-should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,
-and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
-bargained for.
-%
-Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
-%
-World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
-dress code!
-%
-Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
-	August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Month of the Year:
-	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
-you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
-get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
-	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
-in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
-damage my videotapes?"
-%
-Worst Vegetable of the Year:
-	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
-year.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
-
-"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
-and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
-if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
-and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
-and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
-%
-Write-Protect Tab, n.:
-	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
-left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
-message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
-momentary inconvenience.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-"Wrong," said Renner.
-
-"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
-the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
-%
-X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the
-imagination is the plot.
-%
-Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
-%
-Xerox never comes up with anything original.
-%
-XIIdigitation, n.:
-	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
-by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
-goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
-their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
-unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
-doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
-		-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
-%
-Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
-fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
-operators together.
-		-- Steve Higgins
-%
-Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
-%
-Year, n.:
-	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
-%
-Yes, but which self do you want to be?
-%
-Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.
-Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
-Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Yesterday upon the stair
-I met a man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today --
-I think he's from the CIA.
-%
-Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Yinkel, n.:
-	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
-will notice.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
-%
-You are here:
-		***
-		***
-	     *********
-	      *******
-	       *****
-		***
-		 *
-
-		 But you're not all there.
-%
-You are not illiterate.
-		-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
-%
-"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
-	"All your papers these days look the same;
-Those William's would be better unread --
-	Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
-
-"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
-	"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
-But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
-	Made it pointless to think any more."
-%
-"You are old, father William," the young man said,
-	"And your hair has become very white;
-And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
-	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
-
-"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
-	"I feared it might injure the brain;
-But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
-	Why, I do it again and again."
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
-	That your lectures bore people to death.
-Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
-	Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
-
-"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
-	Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
-Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
-	Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
-	For anything tougher than suet;
-Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
-	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
-
-"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
-	And argued each case with my wife;
-And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
-	Has lasted the rest of my life."
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
-	And there isn't one language you like;
-Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
-	Have you thought about taking a hike?"
-
-"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
-	"Every language looks equally bad;
-Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
-	And don't realize that they've been had."
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
-	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
-Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
-	Pray what is the reason of that?"
-
-"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
-	"I kept all my limbs very supple
-By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
-	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
-	And make errors few people could bear;
-You complain about everyone's English but yours --
-	Do you really think this is quite fair?"
-
-"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
-	"But my stature these days is so great
-That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
-	And to stop me it's now far too late."
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
-	That your eye was as steady as ever;
-Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
-	What made you so awfully clever?"
-
-"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
-	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
-Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
-	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
-%
-You are the only person to ever get this message.
-%
-You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
-this sort of trash.
-%
-You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
-%
-You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
-incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
-Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
-to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
-nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
-they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
-some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
-
-The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
-pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
-safety glasses.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
-doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
-%
-You can create your own opportunities this week.
-Blackmail a senior executive.
-%
-You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
-Why do you find that funny?
-		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
-%
-You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
-can with just a kind word.
-		-- Bumper Sticker
-%
-You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
-for instance.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
-%
-You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
-the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
-%
-You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
-decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
-over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
-		-- F. Allen
-%
-You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
-supercomputers.
-		-- Steven Feiner
-%
-You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
-%
-You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
-		-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
-%
-You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
-%
-You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
-		-- Booker T. Washington
-%
-You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
-%
-You can't make a program without broken egos.
-%
-You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
-enough worrying about what's happening now.
-		-- Lauren Bacall
-%
-You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
-		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
-		   Over and Over"
-%
-You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
-		-- Dagwood Bumstead
-%
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-%
-You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
-%
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-%
-You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
-and last month in advance.
-%
-You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
-doubt.
-		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
-%
-You do not have mail.
-%
-You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
-		-- J. D. Salinger
-%
-You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
-needles.
-		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
-%
-You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
-The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
-which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
-tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
-names.  Here's the complete text:
-
-	"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
-	"(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
-	"(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
-	     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
-	     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
-	     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
-	     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
-	     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
-
-The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
-money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
-form.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
-%
-You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
-
-This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
-
-You are permanently confused.
-		-- Dave Decot
-%
-You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
-metal objects which are not fastened down.
-%
-You have junk mail.
-%
-You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets
-wrinkled.
-%
-You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
-%
-You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
-you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
-%
-You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
-anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
-you can always change the channel.
-		-- Jim Ignatowski
-%
-You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
-		-- S. Rickly Christian
-%
-You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
-		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
-%
-You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
-friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
-%
-You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
-%
-	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
-airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
-deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
-when I was young!"
-	"Why, what did she tell you?"
-	"I don't know, I didn't listen!"
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
-%
-You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
-%
-You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
-is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
-		-- Sydney Harris
-%
-You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
-him.
-		-- Ed Howe
-%
-You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-		-- Alfred Kahn
-%
-You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
-success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
-or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
-party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
-		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
-%
-You might have mail.
-%
-You might have had mail.
-%
-You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
-proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
-%
-You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
-be dead.
-%
-You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
-reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
-the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
-independence.
-		-- Charles A. Beard
-%
-You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
-beach.
-%
-You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were
-you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
-yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
-company.
-		-- J. Wellington Wells
-%
-You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
-%
-You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
-know how seldom they do.
-		-- Olin Miller
-%
-You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
-if they are dead.
-%
-You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
-about 10^12 to 1.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
-freedom and liberty.
-		-- Henrik Ibsen
-%
-You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
-contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
-houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
-scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
-summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
-you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
-sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
-another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
-another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
-such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
-many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
-If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
-should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
-for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
-because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
-chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
-
-In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
-hemorrhoids.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
-plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
-		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
-%
-You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
-%
-	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
-		      PAPER SHUFFLING!
-
-Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
-a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
-really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
-
-Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
-make really big Zorkmids."
-
-MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
-you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
-
-		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
-%
-You too can wear a nose mitten.
-%
-You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
-%
-You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
-a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
-%
-You will be surprised by a loud noise.
-%
-You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
-%
-You will feel hungry again in another hour.
-%
-You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
-mayonnaise salesman.
-%
-	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
-Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
-parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
-%
-You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to
-worry.
-%
-You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
-taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
-minute and a huff.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-You'll never be the man your mother was!
-%
-You're at the end of the road again.
-%
-You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
-%
-You're never too old to become younger.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-		-- Dean Martin
-%
-You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
-%
-You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
-%
-You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
-		-- Gary Giddens
-%
-"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
-
-"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
-%
-Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
-thing he tells you.
-%
-Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
-from enjoying it.
-%
-Your fault: core dumped
-%
-	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
-bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
-chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home
-electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
-breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
-until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
-damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
-your fuses regularly.
-	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This
-sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
-often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
-you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not
-sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
-fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed
-electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
-such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
-table, etc.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
-%
-Your lucky color has faded.
-%
-Your lucky number has been disconnected.
-%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
-%
-Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-%
-Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
-%
-Zero Defects, n.:
-	The result of shutting down a production line.
-%
-Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
-since I first called my brother's father dad.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
-%
-Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
-	People are always available for work in the past tense.
-%
-        THE LAST BUG
-
-"But you're out of your mind,"		    It still wasn't perfect,
-They said with a shrug.			    As year followed year,
-"The customer's happy;			    And strangers would comment,
-What's one little bug?"			    "Is that guy still here?"
-
-But he was determined.			    He died at the console,
-The others went home.			    Of hunger and thirst.
-He spread out the program,		    Next day he was buried,
-Deserted, alone.			    Face down, nine-edge first.
-
-The cleaning men came,			    And the last bug in sight,
-The whole room was cluttered		    An ant passing by,
-With memory-dumps, punch cards.		    Saluted his tombstone,
-"I'm close," he muttered.		    And whispered, "Nice try."
-
-The mumbling got louder,
-Simple deduction,
-"I've got it, it's right,
-Just change one instruction."
-%
-Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space:
-
-Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept.  Take for example the dresser my
-mom bought for me when I was a kid.  I still have it, and by the standards of
-its era, it's an admirable household fixture.  It is a massive construction of
-maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with
-the strength of iron.  It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today
--- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter
-century ago.  So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say.  But
-let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose.  Here
-sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi,
-jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a
-bull elephant.  And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this
-monument to a dead tree? -- it holds my socks.
-
-Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an
-environmental disaster.  The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post
-for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped
-down to enshrine some underwear.  This, my friends, is no way to run a planet.
-	        -- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project:
-		   Colonizing the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps
-%
-Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a
-pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible
-to maintain, software.  However, many people may not know the other two
-elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
-
-Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable,
-and layered structure.  Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately
-monolithic and not easy to modify.  An attempt to change one layer conceptually
-simple, is often very difficult in actual practice.
-
-The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and
-loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code.  In ravioli
-code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat
-or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced
-without significantly affecting other components.
-
-We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active
-encouragement of ravioli code.
-		-- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk
-		   magazine
-%
-63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
-ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
-now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
-%
-"It's not very common in Crowthorne"
-%
-            1) Don't expect fairings.
-            2) If confused read #1.
-%
-Cheer up. You could have all the problems you have now, and then also
-be named Eustace Clarence Scrubb.
-%
-Never leave a macassar and an antimacassar in the same room together.
-%
-Why did the furry install Unix? Because it supports catman(8).
-%
-Many people don't realize that trailhead doggerel is illegal -- but
-surely you've heard of "hike rhymes and misdemeanors"...
-%
-We all know political bumper stickers and some of us even put them on
-our cars. However, if you show up at headquarters on Friday afternoon
-after a long campaign week, you're more likely to see a stumper
-bicker.
-%
-When you're under siege by a winter storm, that's a "frontal assault".
-%
-Somebody has mail.
-%
-'Agnosis' is when you don't know. 'Diagnosis' is when you don't know
-twice.
-%
-An assortment of ways to be assimilated is a "smorgasborg".
-%
-The Navy's forever doomed to be inefficient because it's always trying
-to do things in a sub-optimal manner.
-%
-Q. What do you do if you find an abomination rooted in and need a
-druid in a hurry?
-A. Call the copse.
-%
-A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone.
-		-- Jo Godwin
-%
-Give a man a 0day and he'll have access for a day, teach a man to phish
-and he'll have access for life.
-		-- the grugq
-%
-Information wants to be free and also extremely difficult to use.
-		-- An ancient open source proverb
-%
-I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-		-- Mitch Hedberg
-%
-You, the Poles, have a funny nature. When the people going along the
-road are attacked by a dog with its insistent and noisy barking, you
-immediately feel like jumping off the vehicle, standing on all fours
-and starting to bark back at it. We, in the Vilnius region, let the
-dog bark because that is what its canine nature is like but we do not
-stop our journey because of its barking, and without any war
-against dogs we calmly continue our journey until we reach our
-destination. It seems that you care more about barking than the dog
-does, and more about winning the war with any lousy puppy than about
-reaching the destination quickly.
-		-- Jozef Pilsudski
-%
-[NeXT] attracted the strangest kind of hybrid, which was sort of like...
-Unix weenies by Armani.
-		-- John Perry Barlow
-%
-Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you
-and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future
-events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the
-unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here.
-		-- Criswell Predicts, "Plan 9 From Outer Space"
-%
-Rule 1 of cryptanalysis: check for plaintext.
-		-- Bob Morris, Crypto '95
-%
-Remember kids, the only difference between Science and screwing around is
-writing it down.
-		-- Adam Savage
-%
-	     THE PURPLE COW		Confession: and a Portrait, Too,
-Reflections on a Mythic Beast,		    Upon a Background that I Rue!
-    Who's Quite Remarkable, at Least.
-					Ah, yes! I wrote the "Purple Cow"--
-I never saw a Purple Cow;		    I'm sorry, now, I wrote it!
-    I never hope to see one;		But I can tell you, anyhow,
-But I can tell you, anyhow,		    I'll kill you if you quote it!
-    I'd rather see than be one.				-- Gelett Burgess
-%
-Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we
-can perform without thinking about them.
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead, An Introduction to Mathematics (1911)
-%
-I'm going to a commune in Vermont and will deal with no unit of time shorter
-than a season.
-		-- Josh Rosen
-%
-Computers for the brasses -- art for the masses.
-		-- J.C.R. Licklider
-%
-If, in your office, you as an intellectual worker were supplied with a
-computer display backed up by a computer that was alive for you all day, and
-that was instantly responsive to every action you had, how much value could
-you derive from that?
-		-- Douglas Engelbart, Fall Joint Computer Conference,
-		   December 9th, 1968
-%
-They made me do it
-%
-It was the first thing that I formed a really powerful bond with.
-It was some sort of mental love missile and I just lit the touch paper and
-fired myself into it, at oblivious speed, and it exploded, and sparkled and it
-was totally beautiful.
-		-- Chris Packham and the kestrel
-%
-Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by
-there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.
-		-- Alexei Sayle
-%
-I wonder why. I wonder why.
-I wonder why I wonder.
-I wonder why I wonder why
-I wonder why I wonder!
-		-- Richard P. Feynman, "Always Trying to Escape"
-%
-Fanfare, n.:
-        The food available for consumption at a con.
-%
-Fail we may, sail we must
-%
-Don't shout at your JBODs, they don't like it!
-		-- Brendan Gregg, "Shouting in the Datacenter"
-%
-Bell has two patents on UNIX
-a) set-user-id bit
-b) on "typo" !
-		-- John Lions, Australian UNIX Users Group Newsletter, Oct 1978
-%
-The purpose of computing numbers is not yet in sight
-%
-Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
-Thereisnospacebar.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index 54435be5..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1735 +0,0 @@
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
-to the top.
-%
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-		-- Thomas Ybarra
-%
-A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
-the first time.
-		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
-learned to walk.
-		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
-%
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
-A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
-good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
-scruples and the police.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
-A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
-wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-		-- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
-called a liberal.
-%
-A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
-having fun.
-%
-A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
-up with yesterday.
-%
-A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
-drawers.
-		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
-A.I. hackers do it with robots.
-%
-Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
-%
-Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
-Western science.
-		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
-	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
-	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
-	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-	    -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
-	    rooster.
-%
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
-		 cuts.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
-%
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
-place to shift.
-%
-All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
-		-- R. Crumb
-%
-All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
-	All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
-Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
-	He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
-All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
-	All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
-Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
-	Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
-All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
-	Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
-		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
-wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
-		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
-%
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
-eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
-person who will sit on its face is its mother.
-%
-"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
-unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
-bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
-provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
-		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
-%
-	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
-	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
-	And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
-... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
-and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
-%
-Anxiety, n.:
-	The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-Panic, n.:
-	The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
-"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
-		-- Claude Shouse
-
-"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-		-- Joseph C. Wang
-%
-Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
-released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
-enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
-popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
-back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
-"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
-appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
-spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
-honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
-hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
-%
-Baltimore, n.:
-	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
-collars.
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
-Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
-	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-	(2) Advising the President.
-	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Behold the unborn fetus and
-	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
-	An enemy civilian).
-%
-Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
-gin.
-		-- Ralph Nader
-%
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
-Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all
-evil.
-%
-Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
-%
-Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
-%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
-Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
-the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
-nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
-Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
-the country was hopelessly trapped.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
-be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
-benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
-is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
-him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-of knuckles.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
-
-"Uh, not right now."
-
-"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
-		-- "Real Genius"
-%
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
-Champagne don't make me lazy.
-Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
-Ain't nobody's business but my own.
-		-- Taj Mahal
-%
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
-Christian, n.:
-	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
-follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
-with a life of sin.
-%
-Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
-difficult and not tried.
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-Clarke's Third Law:
-	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
-magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
-	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
-	There is no magic...
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
-fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
-contrary.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
-	We'll be of the opposite sex.
-
-Chorus:
-	Clone, clone of my own,
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-	And when we're alone,
-	Since her mind is my own,
-	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-		-- Randall Garrett
-%
-Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
-%
-Coito ergo sum
-%
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
-later you wish you'd never come.
-%
-Communists do it without class.
-%
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-%
-Conservative, n.:
-	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-		-- Leo C. Rosten
-%
-Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
-%
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
-pillage!!
-%
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
-	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
-	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-		-- Ansel Adams
-%
-Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
-to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
-himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
-politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
-veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
-bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?
-		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
-%
-Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
-Communist politician is through, he is through.
-%
-Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
-the people.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
-
-		... Seats 500.
-%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
-%
-Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
-%
-[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
-two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-
-(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
-    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
-    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
-    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
-    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
-    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
-    factory puts them there.
-(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
-    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
-    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
-    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
-    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
-    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
-    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
-    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
-    impression.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Do something big -- fuck a giant
-%
-"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
-Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
-Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
-you through times of no dope.
-		-- Gilbert Shelton
-%
-Draft beer, not people
-%
-Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Eisenhower was very nice,
-Nixon was his only vice.
-		-- C. Degen
-%
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
-	     sleep in the wet spot.
-	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
-	     themselves.
-	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
-	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
-	     your brother!
-	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
-	     wet.
-	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
-	     boy".
-	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
-	     pillow.
-	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
-	     left it.
-%
-Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
-male schlemiel.
-		-- Ewald Nyquist
-%
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
-Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous ...
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
-licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
-For those of you who have been looking for evidence that a working
-version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
-offered by Caspar Weinberger:
-
-	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
-	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
-
-		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
-%
-Fornication, n.:
-	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
-
-Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
-    and you didn't scream?
-A:  No ma'am.
-Q:  Does that mean you consented?
-A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
-%
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
-he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
-punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
-Getting an education at the University of California is like having
-$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
-Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
-matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
-pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
-merriment.
-	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
-%
-God is an atheist.
-%
-GOD is applied POWER
-    which is applied GOVERNMENT
-	which is applied POLITICS
-	    which is applied ADVERTISING
-		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
-		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
-			which is applied BIOLOGY
-			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
-				which is applied PHYSICS
-				    which is applied MATH
-					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
-					    which is applied BULLSHIT
-%
-"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
-I knew that Santa would never lie.
-%
-God is big, so don't fuck with him.
-%
-God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
-%
-God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
-%
-God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
-%
-God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
-where to go.
-	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
-	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
-	"Well, how about Mercury?"
-	"No, it's too hot there."
-	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
-	"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
-there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
-still talking about it."
-%
-Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
-%
-Grain grows best in shit.
-		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-Great Lover, n.:
-	A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
-Haggis, n.:
-	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
-considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
-consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
-other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
-in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
-%
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
-to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
-difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
-former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
-facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
-historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
-ankles in bullshit.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-		-- R. E. Masters
-%
-He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
-%
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
-_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
-qualified for!
-		-- Michael Cain
-%
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
-damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
-hands.
-%
-He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
-ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
-stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
-him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
-He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
-this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
-Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
-processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
-longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
-
-		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
-%
-Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
-in a yak.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
-%
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
-the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
-Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
-pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
-court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
-Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
-it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
-his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
-enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
-ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
-that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
-it because the court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
-King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
-
-	* Governmental offices
-	* Post offices
-	* Libraries
-	* Schools
-	* Banks
-	* Parts of Palm Beach
-
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
-i.e., none to speak of.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
-gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
-lucky to escape with our skins!
-%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
-I am an atheist, thank God!
-%
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
-once was ... an arctic wilderness.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
-I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
-Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
-trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
-go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
-that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
-oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
-commerce.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
-that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we
-had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
-dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
-from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
-Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
-with the feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
-them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
-an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
-of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
-to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
-What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
-Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
-the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
-of an Untenured Professor?
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
-going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
-your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
-and father.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
-scares the shit out of me.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
-now.
-%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
-"I've just had a good war."
-	       -- Mae West
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
-watch him have another.
-%
-If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
-work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
-%
-If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
-bit surprised.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
-showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
-corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
-		-- S. J. Perelman
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
-James Watt's office.
-		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
-%
-If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
-apostles.
-%
-If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
-%
-If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
-%
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
-If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
-fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
-only two went back to women.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
-and never be our destiny.
-		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
-%
-If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
-should join
-
-		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
-
-The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
-don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
-addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
-following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
-
-    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
-        UFOs come.
-    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
-    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
-    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
-        the circle.
-    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
-    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.
-
-Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
-studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
-done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
-of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
-%
-If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
-in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
-%
-If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
-%
-If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
-buzz-saw.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-		-- Robert Burton
-%
-In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
-reality at any point.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
-without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
-they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
-and it stinks."
-
-	And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
-the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
-container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
-before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
-the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
-and none may abide by its strength."
-
-	And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
-Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
-it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
-the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
-	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
-it was Good!
-%
-Incest, n.:
-	Sibling revelry.
-%
-Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time
-someone writes "bible thumpers?"
-		-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
-%
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
-"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then
-god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The
-Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital
-lies.
-		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
-%
-Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
-%
-Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!
-		-- Daniel Hinojosa
-%
-Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
-%
-John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
-apoplexy.
-		-- Edward P. Morgan
-%
-Kasha, n.:
-	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
-one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
-groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
-help *___you* much.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Kill a commie for Christ!
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
-all will end as doves.
-%
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
-LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
-
-So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
-%
-... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
-you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
-fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
-stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
-had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
-publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
-Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
-primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
-back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
-neck.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
-%
-Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
-hard you get fucked.
-%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
-Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
-fruits and nuts is flakes.
-%
-Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
-%
-Mathematicians do it in theory.
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
-Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
-nativity scene removed:
-	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
-and a virgin in the whole organization."
-%
-Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
-		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
-Missionary Position:
-	The missionary on top.
-%
-Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
-boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
-%
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
-	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
-stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
-with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
-My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
-saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother,
-drunk or sober.
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
-%
-		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps them to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
-	On a bad trip
-	When the cops come
-	When I lose my head
-	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
-	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-%
-		NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
-short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
-No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
-she will or will not be a mother.
-		-- Margaret H. Sanger
-%
-Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing is better than Sex.
-Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
-%
-Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-availability goes to zero.
-%
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
-Occident, n.:
-	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
-is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
-Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
-they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
-principal industries of the Orient.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Ocean, n.:
-	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
-man -- who has no gills.
-%
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-
-There are three morals to this story:
-
-(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
-were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
-nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
-Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
-passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
-"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
-be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
-leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
-democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
-following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
-there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
-Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
-productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
-hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
-there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
-%
-One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
-there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
-Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
-and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
-cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
-each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
-Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
-crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
-resources and our taxes.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
-occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
-		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
-		   Life in the Universe"
-%
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
-look at the other guy's.
-		-- Hal Hickman
-%
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
-the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
-help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
-basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
-but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
-near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
-with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
-still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
-to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
-probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
-considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
-a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
-national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
-exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
-		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
-	Overheard in a bar:
-Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
-%
-People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
-citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
-		-- Norman Cousins
-%
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
-		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
-%
-Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
-still come out ahead.
-%
-Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
-A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
-    by lightning first.
-%
-Q:  How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
-    backyard?
-A:  If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
-%
-Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
-    or an airline stewardess?
-A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
-    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
-    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
-    mouth and nose, and breathe normally."
-%
-Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
-    screwing began.
-%
-Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
-%
-Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
-A:  As much as he wants.
-%
-Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
-    be?
-A:  A fur coat.
-%
-Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
-A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-%
-Q:  What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
-A:  A rebel without a clue.
-%
-Q:  What is "SMOORPLAY"?
-A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
-%
-Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
-A:  A cheese grater.
-%
-Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
-A:  Two hours of begging.
-%
-Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
-A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
-%
-Q:  Where does virgin wool come from?
-A:  Ugly sheep.
-%
-Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
-A:  So she can moan with the other!
-%
-Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
-exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
-from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
-Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
-weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Randel, n.:
-	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
-for farting at a friend.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-Reagan can't _a_c_t either.
-%
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
-grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
-liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
-do with the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
-country.  The remainder is thrown out.
-%
-Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
-Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
-
-Democrats eat the fish they catch.
-Republicans hang them on the wall.
-
-Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
-girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-
-Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
-Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
-That is why there are more Democrats.
-		-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
-%
-Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
-any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
-%
-Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
-%
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
-Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
-needed.
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
-are unimportant.
-		-- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
-		-- G. B. Shaw
-%
-She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
-you any other way."
-%
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
-		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
-		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
-... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
-is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts
-would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
-overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
-nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
-Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Sooner or later, generals will own you.
-%
-Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
-Subpoena, n.:
-	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
-organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
-		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
-		   Association
-%
-Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
-you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
-forgets?
-%
-Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
-am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
-at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't
-just say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
-	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
-others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
-from the food it produces.
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
-claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
-his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-
-	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
-not much good in a fight."
-%
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
-cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
-... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
-	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-
-My back aches, my pussy is sore;
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-%
-The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
-putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
-%
-THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
-Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
-jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
-know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
-it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
-because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
-warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
-your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
-Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
-Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
-by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
-Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
-Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
-We are talking about a lot of jobs.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
-on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
-acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
-French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
-the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
-picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
-ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
-with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
-dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
-several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
-evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
-drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
-be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
-%
-The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
-chance to prove it.
-%
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
-in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
-The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
-currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
-old.  The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
-are.  Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses
-directly over the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we
-ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
-could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
-the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
-over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
-recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
-are not.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
-dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
-and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
-        The Split-Atom Blues
-
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
-    Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ...
-But if you split those atoms fine,
-    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
-    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
-    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-%
-The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
-curiosity.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
-their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
-the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
-ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
-its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
-enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The United States Army:
-194 years of proud service,
-unhampered by progress.
-%
-The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
-everybody and still nobody likes him.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-The voters have spoken, the bastards...
-%
-The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-		-- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
-have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
-down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-%
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
-	Them Toad Suckers
-
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-		-- Mason Williams
-%
-There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
-contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
-bomb a virgin building is terrific.
-		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
-%
-There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
-have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
-America, with all of the military strength of America, those
-revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
-organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
-oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
-There is a God, but He drinks.
-		-- Blore
-%
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I
-really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do
-anything to me.
-		-- John Wayne
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
-and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-		-- David Mairowitz
-%
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
-actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
-"di-dah" for the filthy words:
-
-	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
-	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
-		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
-	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
-%
-This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
-personal to various situations.
-
-You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchilada casserole and
-egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
-Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
-bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
-
-YOU SHOULD:
-
-(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
-(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
-(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
-Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
-name.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod		And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:	The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	Crept past the hippies getting balled
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.		And doffed her miniskirt.
-
-"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!	One, two!  One, two!  And through
-The looks that melt, the claws that		and through
-	catch!				The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
-Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun	He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
-The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"		And went galumphing back.
-
-He took his venerable staff in hand:	"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-Long time the cool young stuff he	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
-	sought --			O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-So rested he among the spree		He cackled in his joy.
-And paused to smoke some pot.
-					'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-					Did groove and trip out at the pad:
-					All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
-					And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
-	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
-how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
-you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
-	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
-their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
-	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
-room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
-	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
-Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
-opposite.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
-or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
-noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
-%
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
-Virgin, n.:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
-Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-		-- James Watt
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first
-walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
-country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
-[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
-reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
-Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
-Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
-unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
-though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
-President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
-they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
-George talk.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
-Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just
-felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
-him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this poor
-quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
-than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
-bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
-ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
-to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
-jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
-was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
-"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
-elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
-picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
-"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
-pissed."
-%
-What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
-%
-What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
-A Dan Quayle watch.
-%
-What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
-Ford?
-
-Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
-%
-	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
-didn't believe in God."
-	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-When God created man, She was only testing.
-%
-When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-		-- Charles Merrill Smith
-%
-When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
-can't happen.
-		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
-%
-When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
-rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-%
-	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
-would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
-thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
-patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
-so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
-%
-Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
-horses?
-		-- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
-Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
-		-- Graffito in a women's restroom
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
-problem down the hall?
-%
-Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
-%
-You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
-wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
-(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
-age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
-introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
-handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
-such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
-only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
-as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
-uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
-no-no, you:
-
-(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
-    motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
-    joint.
-
-(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
-    to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
-
-(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
-    blow your nose on your sock.
-%
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
-your girlfriend gets the munchies!
-%
-You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
-		-- Frederick B. Artz
-%
-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
-pick your friend's nose.
-%
-You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-		-- Tricia Nixon
-%
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
-get back inside.
-		--  Heathcote Williams
-%
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
-and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
-there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
-    name.
-
-(b) Ask what position she played.
-
-(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
-%
-You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
-proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
-proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
-into your coffee.  You:
-
-(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
-
-(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
-
-(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
-    basket.
-%
-You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
-to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
-		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
-%
-	... But among the children of the Great Society there were
-those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
-and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
-they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
-people go to the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
-                -- Adolf Hitler
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index 8632e362..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,299 +0,0 @@
-A.I
-ACLU's
-Aire
-Alzheimer's
-Andropov
-Angina
-Ansel
-Artz
-Aw
-BULLSHIT
-Begorrah
-Benchley
-Bierce
-Blore
-Bogart
-Bormann
-Byrn
-COUNTERFACTUAL
-Callay
-Calooh
-Caspar
-Castlereagh
-Cheerios
-Cianci
-Clair
-Coito
-Como
-Condoms
-Cosell's
-Counterfactual
-Crisco
-Crotels
-Cunnilingus
-DEMO
-Dalmatians
-Dammit
-Darjeeling
-Deferrals
-Degen
-Diddley
-Durcan
-Ermintrude's
-Ewald
-F.B.I
-FUCKING
-Fagin
-Faire
-Falwell
-Feiffer
-Fie
-Fornication
-Fredrick's
-Friants
-Froats
-Fuck
-Fumets
-GREAAAAAAT
-Galbraith
-Geis
-Gimme
-Goy's
-Graffito
-Greenway
-Groucho
-Haggis
-Heathcote
-Hefner
-Hitchhiker's
-Jewry
-Jr.'s
-KRON
-Kasha
-Krazy
-LeGuin
-Lehrer
-Li
-Libbers
-Liddy
-Lyth
-MOVs
-MX
-Mairowitz
-Mama
-Mannis
-Martina
-Masturbation
-McAmeter
-Methadone
-Milo
-Milpitas
-N'wam
-N.H
-Nader
-Naiman
-Navratilova
-Nope
-Nuke
-O'Riordan's
-Ozy
-PDP
-PUSHJ
-Penis
-Perelman
-Ph.D
-Ploughwright
-Purmal's
-Putrid
-Q.E.D
-Queensboro
-Randel
-Raygun
-Reaganomics
-Ren
-Rosten
-SMOORPLAY
-SMUCK
-SMURFS
-Sahl
-Schlafly
-Seldes
-Shits
-Sittin
-Spraints
-Stamboul
-Stickin
-Suckin
-Susiasm
-Tocata
-Tomlin
-Toynbee
-Tsk
-Twas
-Twinkie
-Twinkies
-Twiss
-U.S
-UFOs
-UUOs
-Valby
-Vasser
-Vidal
-Vidi
-Visme
-Waggying
-Wellesleysnatch
-Werderobe
-What'll
-Wiggam
-Wilde
-Wildebeest
-Wimley
-Ybarra
-Yoric
-Yuletide
-Zappa
-Zukav
-amnesia
-apoplexy
-asshole
-assholes
-basewoman
-belies
-bible
-bleed'n
-boobs
-bras
-brutish
-buffaloes
-bullshit
-bullshitting
-bungee
-busiasm
-carnivorous
-castration
-catgut
-cervical
-chromosome
-coitus
-commie
-containeth
-counterfactual
-countess
-creole
-cubits
-cunnilingus
-cunt
-dah
-de
-deb
-defendin
-dem
-di
-dong
-doric
-dumbfounded
-dunno
-ekil
-elihW
-enchillada
-ergo
-eschatological
-excrement
-eyeing
-farting
-feces
-ferkin
-fetcheth
-fiesty
-findeth
-flunkers
-foresight
-frat
-freakout
-fuck
-fucked
-fucking
-galumphing
-gangrenous
-genital
-gimme
-girlfriend
-gniyl
-goin
-gonna
-grandee
-hansome
-hexahedronical
-husbandryman
-i.e
-iht
-intestinal
-jeered
-jerkin
-k'honi
-kaloo
-kasha
-lassie
-leapy
-lecherous
-lesbian
-limerick
-mah
-maidenhead
-mali
-masturbate
-masturbation
-methedrine
-millions
-miniskirt
-mod
-motherfucker
-motherfuckers
-mousetrap
-munchies
-ne'er
-ok
-ole
-penis
-pentameter
-pere
-peyote
-poena
-pox
-provideth
-qui
-rabbinical
-rabelaisian
-racquet
-rhumba
-saideth
-schlemiel
-shalt
-shit
-shithead's
-shits
-showgirls
-sissies
-sleaze
-soit
-spake
-sphincter
-spikey
-strewed
-suckin
-sucky
-suh
-tonsillectomy
-tooties
-trashcan
-truckloads
-ulcerous
-veni
-vici
-whimsy
-wildebeest
-yamalchas
-ylbatrofmoc
-yogurt
-zits
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index ab96c449..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1974 +0,0 @@
-A.A.A.A.A
-A.D
-AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk
-ACHTUNG
-AI
-ALU
-ANRS
-ARCHDUKE
-ASHes
-ATN
-Abbie
-Adamite
-Ade
-Adlai
-Admas
-Adolf
-Aelius
-Aesop
-Aha
-Ahrimanes
-Albran
-Aldous
-Aleliunas
-Ali
-Alito
-Allan
-Alo
-Alvy
-Amana
-Amerigo
-Amica
-Amityville
-Amnesia
-Amp
-Amrom
-Anatol
-Androids
-Ankh
-Anoint
-Antonym
-Apocryphia
-Applebome
-Apr
-Aquadextrous
-Aquarians
-Ardis
-Arlo
-Arpa
-Ashleigh
-Asimov
-Aspasia
-Aspin
-Assateague
-Assoc
-Asterix
-Atlee
-Auden
-Audobon
-Avogardo
-Aww
-B'nai
-BARF
-BARFUCIOUS
-BASICs
-BBBF
-BBW
-BEANSTACK
-BEW
-BH
-BITCHEN
-BLAH
-BLEAH
-BLETCHEROUS
-BLOTTO
-BMR
-BOOGA
-BPO
-BST
-BULLWINKLE
-BUTTHEADS
-BYOB
-Ba
-Baba
-Bacall
-Bachtrian
-Bagbiter
-Bagdikian's
-Bai
-Baines
-Banach
-Banectomy
-Barach's
-Barbie
-Barf
-Bargewater
-Baruch's
-Basie's
-Bathquake
-Batman
-Baumol
-Bax
-Beagle
-Beal
-Beatty
-Beckett
-Beckmann
-Begathon
-Begatting
-Begone
-Behan
-Beifeld's
-Belloc
-Benares
-Benchley
-Berke
-Bernighan
-Bertold
-Bertolt
-Bierce
-Biff
-Billericay
-Bionic
-Bizoos
-Blaise
-Blish
-Blore
-Blore's
-Blount
-Bluestone
-Bodenheim
-Bok
-Bokonon
-Bolub's
-Bombeck's
-Boob's
-Boola
-Boothe
-Bootle
-Boren's
-Borge
-Boynton
-Brahma
-Bramah
-Brandwein
-Brecht
-Brickman
-Brith
-Broido
-Brontosaurus
-Brunner
-Brutus
-Bryne's
-Buckminster
-Bucky
-Bucy's
-Buhr
-Bullwinkle
-Bumstead
-Burggoven
-Burkowski
-Busmanship
-C&O
-C.I.A
-C.R.T
-CABERNET
-CChheecckk
-CDS
-CHARDONNAY
-CI
-CLBR
-CLBRI
-CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK
-CM
-CMFRM
-CONGRAM
-CONtractor
-CPPR
-CPU
-CPUs
-CRN
-CS
-CTA
-CVP
-Caen
-Cahn's
-Caissons
-Calio's
-Camillo
-Camptown
-Capt
-Carmel
-Carotene
-Carotene's
-Carperpetuation
-Carrol
-Cary
-Casablanca
-Caspar
-Cat:man
-Cavour
-Celibacy
-Centauri
-Cerebron
-Cerebus
-Channing
-Chapin
-Charnock's
-Chateaubriand
-Chatterley's
-Cheatham
-Checkuary
-Cheez
-Chem
-Chesterson
-Chevins
-Chichester
-Chism's
-Chisolm's
-Chloroplast's
-Chok
-Chung's
-Churchy
-Ciardi
-Cinemuck
-Claghorn
-Clair
-Clapton
-Clarkson
-Cleyre
-Clopton
-Cogito
-Cointment
-Collis
-Colton
-Colvard's
-Commie
-Computerdom
-Connell
-Connellan
-Constipation
-Contrariwise
-Corky
-Cory
-Cosmo
-Crabgrass
-Cray
-Creemy
-Cripps
-Croll
-Croll's
-Cuomo
-Churchill
-Cuticle
-Cyberiad
-Cybernetic
-D'Arcy
-D'Azevedo
-D.C
-DAC
-DAMMIT
-DAV
-DCL
-DCS
-DECzilla
-DELI
-DETERIORATA
-DEVO
-DFA
-DINGELL
-DMPK
-DOODAH
-DP
-Dabba
-Daft
-Dagobah
-Dagwood
-Dalglish
-Damian
-Danforth
-Darrow
-Darryl
-Darth
-Das
-Davisson
-DeVries
-DeVries's
-Decot
-Defactualization
-Deloria
-DesCartes
-Deteriorata
-Devine
-Devo
-Diamondback
-Diddly
-Dijkstra
-Dingell
-Dirksen
-Disco
-Disraeli
-Dobb's
-Doc
-Dolph
-Donatus
-Doo
-Doonesbury
-Drabek
-Drescher
-Dristan
-Dropt
-Ducharme's
-Duckie
-Dum
-Dunne
-Durance
-Durant
-Dykstra
-Dyson
-E.T
-EAROM
-EBCDIC
-ELECTROCUTION
-EMPC
-ENIACs
-EPI
-EXCE
-Eagleson
-Eagleson's
-Ebenezum
-Ebert
-Eckstein
-Edman
-Edpress
-Eggnog
-Ehrman's
-Elbert
-Electrocution
-Ellery
-Elliot
-Elroy
-Elven
-Elvis
-Elvish
-Emmons
-Emo
-Emu
-Enm
-Ennui
-Epperson's
-Erogenous
-Ertz
-Es
-Esser
-Euell
-Eustace
-Exupery
-FERSURE
-FF
-FINO
-FROB
-FROBBOTZIM
-FROBBOZ
-FROBNITZ
-FROBNODULE
-FROBNULE
-FROBULE
-FROTZ
-FWWAAAAAAPPPP
-Fafhrd
-Fainali
-Fakir
-Falkland
-Fandal
-Farrow
-Fatherland
-Feiffer
-Feiner
-Femme
-Fenelon
-Ferm
-Fidel
-Fiebig
-Fiedler
-Filkharmonics
-Fillmore
-Finagle
-Finagle's
-Finagling
-Firesign
-Firth
-Flagg
-Flannagan's
-Flaubert
-Flinstone
-Flon's
-Flugg's
-Flummery
-Foghorn
-Follen
-Forbiddie
-Forssman
-Fortue
-Fosdick
-Foxx
-Fran
-Francois
-Frayn
-Friedrich
-Frisbee
-Frisbeetarianism
-Frito
-Frobnicate
-Frobnitz
-Frobnitzem
-Frodo
-Froot
-Fruitcakes
-Fuch's
-Fudd
-Fudd's
-Fuoss
-Furbling
-Furst
-Fylstra
-GC
-GC7500439
-GO.SYSIN
-GOBLIN
-GOTO
-GRAMmer
-GRODY
-GUGUs
-GUISEPPE
-GUMM
-GUMMed
-Ga
-Galbraith
-Galilei
-Galileo
-Galvani
-Galvani's
-Gamekeeping
-Gandalf
-Gandhi
-Gastly
-Gaultier
-Gauvreay
-Geis
-Genderplex
-Gerat
-Gerrold's
-Ghostbusters
-Giddens
-Gigo
-Gilda
-Gilpkerio
-Gimlet
-Gimmie
-Glaser
-Gnagloot
-Godel's
-Godot
-Godzilla
-Goestheveezl
-Golda
-Goldenstern's
-Goldwyn
-Gondoliers
-Goodbye
-Goodgulf
-Gopete
-Gorbachev
-Gorden
-Gorey
-Gotama
-Gotlieb
-Goto
-Gotta
-Goulden
-Goy's
-Grabel's
-Graffiti
-Graffito
-Greenstein
-Gregorian
-Grelb's
-Gries
-Grishman
-Groucho
-Guardsman
-Guiseppe
-Gumps
-Gurmlish
-H.S
-HCF
-HED
-HEE
-HOAX
-HOB'LIN
-HOOTCH
-HR
-Hackensack
-Hadassah
-Haeckel
-Hahahahahahahahaha
-Haig
-Hain't
-Haleleuia
-Hanukka
-Hara
-Harary
-Harbride
-Harlequin
-Harpoon
-Harrisberger's
-Harrold
-Hartke
-Havelock
-Hawkeye
-Hawkwind
-Haynie
-Hegel
-Heineken
-Heinlein
-Hellman
-Hellman's
-Henny
-Henrick
-Henrik
-Hepler
-Herford
-Higgeldy
-Hilaire
-Hillary's
-Hinckley
-Hipcrime
-Hippogriff
-Hitchhiker's
-Hlade's
-Hoare
-Hoare's
-Hoban
-Hoffenstein
-Hofstadter
-Hofstadter's
-Holton
-Homespun
-Hoppe
-Horngren's
-Housman
-Huntingdon
-Hurewitz's
-I.R.S
-IBP
-ID's
-II.a
-INSQSW
-Iacocca
-Ian
-Ibson
-Iear
-Iears
-Ignatowski
-Ignisecond
-Il
-Iles
-Iles's
-Ingliy
-Ingmar
-Inlaws
-Irsin
-Isaak
-Isiah
-Iso
-Issac
-Issawi
-Issawi's
-Ist
-Italo
-Ium
-JELL
-JFK
-Jackals
-Jacquin's
-Jael
-Jaka
-Jarry
-Jaspar
-Jawaharlal
-Jef
-Jehan
-Jell
-Jenerally
-Jenkinson's
-Jenks
-Jenning's
-Jonathon
-Jone's
-Jonesboro
-Jordache
-Josh
-Juliana
-Jun
-Jung
-Justin
-KLUDGE
-KOBOLDS
-KPH
-Kabotschniks
-Kan
-Kandel
-Kari
-Kasner
-Kasspe
-Kauffmann
-Kaul
-Keate
-Kehlog
-Keir
-Kellen
-Kempson
-Kenobi
-Kerwin
-Kesey
-Kiernan
-Kinkler's
-Kistomerces
-Kitman
-Kitzenger
-Kleptomaniac
-Klingons
-Klone
-Knebel
-Knuth
-Ko
-Kool
-Korda
-Kr
-Krispies
-Krogt
-Ks
-Kulawiec
-L.A
-LAFITE
-LAIDBACK
-LIBRA
-LITHP
-LSD
-LaRouchefoucauld
-Lackland's
-Lactomangulation
-Ladybug
-Laetrile
-Lafferty
-Lampson
-Landburgher
-Langsam's
-Lankhmar
-Lankhmar's
-Lapham
-Lapwarmer
-Lardner
-Larkinson's
-Lassie
-Laverne
-Lazlo's
-LeGuin
-Lebowitz
-Leedom
-Lehrer
-Leibe
-Leiber
-Leibowitz
-Leibowitz's
-Leith
-Lem
-Lenore
-Les
-Lettvin
-Levant
-Leverett
-Libra
-Lichty
-Lieberman's
-Liebling
-Liebowitz
-Lilla
-Linkletter
-Lippmann
-Liza
-Logg's
-Logicians
-Longworth
-Lookit
-Lovin
-Lowery's
-Ltd
-Lubarsky's
-Luce
-Ludcke
-Luddites
-Luigi
-Lumsden
-Luten
-Lyndon
-Lysistrata
-M&Ms
-M.T.A
-MAFIA
-MANCHA
-MC
-MDL
-MERCUTIO
-MHz
-MOS
-MSCP
-MW
-MX
-MYSTERIANS
-Mabbitt
-MacDowell
-MacKay
-MacNelley
-MacNiece
-Macaroons
-Macy's
-Madelyn
-Magee
-Magnocartic
-Mahabharata
-Mahatma
-Mai
-Malek's
-Mammel
-Mandrell
-Manhandling
-Mankiewicz
-Marley
-Marshalltown
-Maryel
-Mascheroni
-Maslow
-Mathis
-Maud
-Maugham
-Maxey
-Maxson
-McCloctnik
-McEvoy
-McLuhan
-McNulty
-Medawar
-Meese
-Meir
-Melott
-Mem'ry
-Mencken
-Mencken's
-Mengot
-Mensa
-Merrick
-Meskimen's
-Meta
-Metz
-Mewling
-Meyrowitz
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-Mom
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-Mudgeeraba
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-gylcylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspartagi
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-merinos
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-methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin
-methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine
-midterm
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-ni
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-nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu
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-nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso
-nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala
-nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli
-nylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro
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-ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po
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-omnibiblious
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-oves
-p'o
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-philogyny
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-planaria
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-pleH
-po
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-priestess
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-pulitzer
-pur
-pushy
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-rapturous
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-serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl
-shalt
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-soleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly
-soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala
-somebody'd
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-sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly
-synagog
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-taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala
-taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl
-tannogallate
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-thyself
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-tryptophan
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-tyg
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-unbegot
-und
-uns
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-ust
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-v.trans
-valium
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-ve
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-vo
-voist
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-vu
-w4k
-wa
-watchout
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-weirdo
-wench
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-whodo
-whomped
-wi
-wid
-wimmelten
-wimp
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-wonse
-woodburning
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-wr
-wrth
-wrung
-wud
-xanthic
-xe
-xen
-xrewawt
-xsz
-ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl
-yo
-you'se
-yyoouurr
-zayda
-zephyr's
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
deleted file mode 100644
index b6643f10..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,55468 +0,0 @@
-=======================================================================
-||								     ||
-|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
-||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
-||								     ||
-=======================================================================
-	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
-			"Fortune Cookie"
-	Directed by Steven Spielberg.
-	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
-		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
-		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
-	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
-	Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
-	Read the Warner paperback!
-	Invoke the Unix program!
-	Soundtrack on XTC Records.
-	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
-		centers.
-%
-						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
-						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
-Dear Sir:
-	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
-inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
-a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
-ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
-age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
-long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
-ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
-in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
-us.
-	Sympathetically,
-	Amanda L. Smith
-
-p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
-	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
-%
-			_-^--^=-_
-		   _.-^^          -~_
-		_--                  --_
-	       <                        >)
-	       |                         |
-		\._                   _./
-		   ```--. . , ; .--'''
-			 | |   |
-		      .-=||  | |=-.
-		      `-=#$%&%$#=-'
-			 | ;  :|
-		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
-%
-				FROM THE DESK OF
-				Dorothy Gale
-
-	Auntie Em:
-		Hate you.
-		Hate Kansas.
-		Taking the dog.
-			Dorothy
-%
-				FROM THE DESK OF
-				Rapunzel
-
-Dear Prince:
-
-	Use ladder tonight --
-	you're splitting my ends.
-%
-				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
-
-Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
-Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth
-
-				ABSTRACT
-	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
-the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem
-of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
-of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
-bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
-pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that
-there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
-to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
-functions.
-	This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
-This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
-	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played.
-%
-				UNIX Trix
-
-For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
-save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
-next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
-to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
-forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
-the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
-either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
-
-		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
-%
-			 ___====-_  _-====___
-		  _--~~~#####// '  ` \\#####~~~--_
-		-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
-	       -############//  |\^^/|  \\############-
-	     _~############//   (O||O)   \\############~_
-	    ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
-	   -###############\\    (oo)    //###############-
-	  -#################\\  / `' \  //#################-
-	 -###################\\/  ()  \//###################-
-	_#/|##########/\######(  (())  )######/\##########|\#_
-	|/ |#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##|  \()/  |##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#| \|
-	`  |/  V  V  `   V  )||  |()|  ||(  V   '  V /\  \|  '
-	   `   `  `      `  / |  |()|  | \  '      '<||>  '
-			   (  |  |()|  |  )\        /|/
-			  __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
-			 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
-%
-			DELETE A FORTUNE!
-Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
-Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
-You can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
-and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
-%
-			It's grad exam time...
-COMPUTER SCIENCE
-	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
-system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
-this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
-bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
-new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
-
-MATHEMATICS
-	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
-it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
-length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
-
-GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
-Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
-%
-			It's grad exam time...
-MEDICINE
-	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
-bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
-been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)
-
-HISTORY
-	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
-day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
-economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
-Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.
-
-BIOLOGY
-	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
-if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
-special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-10: Potholes are
-	a) extremely dangerous.
-	b) patriotic.
-	c) the fault of the previous administration.
-	d) all going to be fixed next summer.
-The correct answer is b.
-Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
-are larger than the cars.  If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
-you have nothing to worry about.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
-	a) stop immediately.
-	b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
-	c) blow the horn.
-	d) floor it.
-The correct answer is d.
-If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-3: When stopped at an intersection you should
-	a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
-	b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
-	c) blow the horn.
-	d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
-The correct answer is d.
-You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
-street turns yellow.
-Answer c is worth a half point.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-4: Exhaust gas is
-	a) beneficial.
-	b) not harmful.
-	c) toxic.
-	d) a punk band.
-The correct answer is b.
-The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
-are liars.  (Message to those who answered d.  Go back to California where
-you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
-   How often should you test it?
-	a) once a year.
-	b) once a month.
-	c) once a day.
-	d) once an hour.
-The correct answer is d.
-You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
-and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
-   but a steady left tail light.
-	a) One of the tail lights is broken.  You should blow your
-	   horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
-	b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
-	c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
-	d) The driver is from out of town.
-The correct answer is d.
-Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-8: Pedestrians are
-	a) irrelevant.
-	b) communists.
-	c) a nuisance.
-	d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-The correct answer is a.  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
-are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
-completely.
-%
-			Pittsburgh driver's test
-9: Roads are salted in order to
-	a) kill grass.
-	b) melt snow.
-	c) help the economy.
-	d) prevent potholes.
-The correct answer is c.
-Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
-indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers.  Most important,
-salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
-steel industries.
-%
-
-		 (  /\__________/\  )
-		  \(^ @___..___@ ^)/
-		   /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
-		  /  \(/\/\/\/\)/  \
-		-(    """"""""""    )
-		  \      _____      /
-		  (     /(   )\     )
-		  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_
-		 (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V)
-
-%
-		    ___====-_  _-====___
-	      _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_
-	   _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
-	  -############//  :\^^/:  \\############-
-	_~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_
-       ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
-      -###############\\    (^^)    //###############-
-     -#################\\  / "" \  //#################-
-    -###################\\/      \//###################-
-   _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_
-   :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \:
-   "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  "
-      "   "  "      "   \ : :  : : /   "      "  "   "
-%
-		        Has your family tried 'em?
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
-	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
-	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
-			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
-	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
-	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
-		     stains that indicate freshness.
-%
-		Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
-1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
-2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-3) You don't know.  Neither does your boss.
-4) Who cares?
-5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
-   submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.  Unfortunately, I lost it.
-6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling!  Suffer!  Ha-ha-ha!!
-7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
-   book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
-   supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
-%
-		Hard Copies and Chmod
-
-And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
-cold diskdrives hardware monitors
-user-hostile software
-
-of course they're only bits and bytes
-and characters and strings
-and files
-
-just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
-telling me he loves me and
-he'll take care of me
-
-simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
-deep intimate secrets and
-how he doesn't trust me
-
-couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
-on personal stationery
-		-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
-%
-		`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
-Timewarp allowed: 3 hours.  Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
-margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells.  Orange may be worn.  Credit
-will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
-
-	1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
-neither has street credibility.
-	2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
-on a juggernaut route."  Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
-city.
-	3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
-into a black hole.
-	4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
-ripoff merchants."  Comment on this insult.
-	5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
-	6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo."  How far is this a fair summing
-up of western dualism?
-	7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces.  Discuss.
-%
-		OUTCONERR
-Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
-	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
-All kludgy were the function flows
-	And subroutines adhoc.
-
-Beware the runtime-bug my friend
-	squrooneg, the false goto
-Beware the infiniteloop
-	And shun the inprectoo.
-%
-		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-1.	Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
-		nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
-2.	When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
-		when you hit the ground.
-3.	If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-4.	Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
-		to psychological problems.
-5.	Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognize
-		foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
-		shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-6.	Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze:  internal organs
-		will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-7.	Try to be neat.  Fall only in designated piles.
-8.	Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be
-		staggering illegally.
-9.	Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are
-		more sanitary due to limited circulation.
-10.	Accumulate mannequins now.  Spare parts will be in short
-		supply on D-Day.
-%
-		The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
-The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
-in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
-Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
-fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
-Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
-target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
-If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
-computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
-through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
-to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines
-for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
-take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
-into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
-computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup,
-they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what
-Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
-a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
-		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
-%
-		The Split-Atom Blues
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
-	Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
-But if you split those atoms fine,
-	Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
-	Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
-	But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-		-- Milo Bloom
-%
-		THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
-
-If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
-of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue without your support.
-Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors.  That means that 86% of
-you are getting a free ride.  We can't go on like this much longer.  Federal
-cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
-to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
-midnight and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
-`fortune'.  Just type in your favorite pithy fortune.  Do it now before you
-forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.  Don't miss
-out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute 30 fortunes or
-more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
-program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
-Hunter" coffee mug!
-%
-		What I Did During My Fall Semester
-On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
-
-On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
-
-On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-I found a thesis topic:
-	How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
-		-- Sister Mary Elephant,
-		"Student Statement for Black Friday"
-%
-	      1/3
-	 /\(3)
-	 |     2			  1/3
-	 |    z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e   )
-	 |
-	\/ 1
-
-The integral of z squared, dz
-From 1 to the cube root of 3
-	Times the cosine
-	Of 3 PI over nine
-Is the log of the cube root of e
-%
-	   THE DAILY PLANET
-
-	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
-	Plans to "Eat it later"
-%
-	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
-
-Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
-terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
-the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
-School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
-They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
-With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
-and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
-in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
-computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
-you should blame when you make a mistake.
-
-	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
-	I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
-	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
-
-*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
-%
-	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
-Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
-terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
-the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
-School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
-
-	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
-Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
-help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
-enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
-
-	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
-To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
-try this simple test:
-	1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
-		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
-	2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
-	3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
-If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
-them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
-%
-	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
-
-Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
-programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
-form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
-winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
-sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
-Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
-program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
-was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
-his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
-have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
-in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
-be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
-can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
-yourself in the morning.
-%
-	... This striving for excellence extends into people's
-personal lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the
-best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
-Eighties people buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking
-soda.  If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
-reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
-table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
-not an excellent restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous
-crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
-beepers going off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant
-wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
-Liza Minnelli.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-	... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
-%
-	                   ___
-	12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4                 2
-	----------------------  +  5(11)  =  9  +  0
-	          7
-
-A dozen, a gross and a score,
-Plus three times the square root of four,
-	Divided by seven,
-	Plus five times eleven,
-Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
-%
-	7,140	pounds on the Sun
-	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars
-	  255	pounds on Earth
-	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus
-	   43	pounds on the Moon
-	  648	pounds on Jupiter
-	  275	pounds on Saturn
-	  303	pounds on Neptune
-	   13	pounds on Pluto
-
-		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
-		   in the solar system.
-%
-	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
-the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
-the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
-another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
-and forth.
-	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
-of carp-to-carp walleting."
-%
-	A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
-the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.  Finding them
-missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
-his recently completed carpet-installation.  Not wanting to pull up all that
-work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
-flat.  Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
-	At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
-events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
-dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
-"Have you seen my parakeet?"
-%
-	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
-a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the
-foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I
-have what I think is a pretty good act."
-	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
-the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
-Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
-his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
-man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
-performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
-from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
-the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
-	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
-	"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
-imitations?"
-%
-	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
-his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
-the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
-	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
-toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
-%
-	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
-whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
-got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
-medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
-rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
-	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden
-itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
-and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
-	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
-commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-%
-	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
-buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
-the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
-boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
-the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
-the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
-they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
-	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
-farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
-frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
-in the mud.
-	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
-don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
-today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
-	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
-	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
-the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
-%
-	A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
-her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
-looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
-sadly, "runneth over."
-	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
-the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
-"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
-%
-	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
-After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
-one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
-the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
-	"What do you think?" said the first ranger.
-	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
-%
-	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
-island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
-could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
-were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
-the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
-the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
-downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
-charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
-men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
-Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
-blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
-only blurt out, "What happened?"
-	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
-ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
-grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
-hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
-the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
-to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
-%
-	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
-brother and inquires after his pet.
-	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
-	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
-corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
-	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
-	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
-How's Mom?"
-	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
-outside one day..."
-%
-	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
-I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
-	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
-be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
-	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
-dog's stuck in its throat."
-%
-	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
-days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
-	A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a
-long-distance caw.
-	A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
-new theatrical season.  "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
-	A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
-finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
-the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
-%
-	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
-	The housewife replied, "Four!".
-	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
-through my spread sheet one more time."
-	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
-hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-%
-	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
-made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
-would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
-lawyer.
-	"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
-state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
-I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
-	"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
-	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
-and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-%
-	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
-the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
-	The bartender ignores him.
-	"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
-	Still ignored.
-	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
-	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
-leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
-	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
-jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
-saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
-"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
-%
-	A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.  He points
-to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
-	When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
-and asks why it is so much.  "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
-French and can recite the periodic table."  He points to another bird
-and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
-German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
-	Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird.  "Ah," he is
-told, "that one is 150,000."
-	"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
-	"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
-do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-	A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
-Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
-wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
-	"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
-pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
-disciples."
-	Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
-%
-	A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar.  They got along well,
-shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening.  When he left her, he told her
-that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
-soon.  Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
-	The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing.  She
-agreed.  As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
-Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
--- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
-knife!
-	Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
-afternoon finding a particularly unusual one.  Arriving at her apartment
-he immediately presented her with the knife.  She ooohed and ahhhed over it
-for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
-help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
-	Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
-	"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
-won't always be true.  And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
-%
-	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
-terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
-Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
-homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
-got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
-who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
-	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
-something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
-	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
-%
-	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
-"Do you serve lawyers here?".
-	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
-	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
-my 'gator."
-%
-	A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
-	A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
-during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
-was making a bolt for the door.
-	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
-house of seven gobbles.
-	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
-wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
-	A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
-	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
-Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
-%
-	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
-program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
-promptly replied.
-	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
-how long will it take?"
-	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
-to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
-	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
-satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
-	The programmer agreed to this.
-	Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his
-retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
-He had been programming all night.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
-invented a new program that became popular and sold well.  As a result, the
-manager retained his job.
-	The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
-refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
-concept, and thus I expect no reward."
-	The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
-holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
-employee.  Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
-	But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
-so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
-everyone's time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I'm working on."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
-document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will
-it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
-	"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
-	"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it
-take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
-	The master programmer frowned.  "In that case, it will take two years."
-	"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
-	The master programmer shrugged.  "Then the design will never be
-completed," he said.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
-work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
-at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
-resigned on the spot.
-	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
-working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
-programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
-hours of the morning.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master
-noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me",
-he said, "may I examine it?"
-	The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
-"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
-and Hard", said the master.  "Yet every such device has another level of play,
-where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
-human."
-	"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
-mysterious setting?"
-	The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
-And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
-"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
-said the master.
-	"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
-	"It is," came the reply.
-	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
-	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
-	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
-	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson
-is over for today," he said.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A MODERN FABLE
-
-Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
-far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message
-with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
-today's minute attention span.
-
-	The Troubled Aardvark
-
-Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
-driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
-in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
-unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
-children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
-his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
-pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
-personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a
-wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
-course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
-drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
-
-MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
-		-- Tom Annau
-%
-	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
-the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
-pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
-nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
-	"If what?" asked the composer.
-	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
-%
-	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
-removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
-amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
-limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
-larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
-power-down sequence.
-	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
-building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
-bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
-cool.
-%
-	A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
-documents, or tests his programs.  Yet all who know him consider him one of
-the best programmers in the world.  Why is this?"
-	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao.  He has
-gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
-crashes, but accepts the universe without concern.  He has gone beyond the
-need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.  He
-has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
-themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has
-entered the mystery of the Tao."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
-sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
-baffled. What is the reason for this?"
-	The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
-the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why
-do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers
-simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
-	The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
-Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
-	"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
-novice.
-	"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
-much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant
-among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
-Why is this so?"
-	The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That
-company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody
-would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
-servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
-of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
-that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'.  It is bloated out of shape with
-vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
-'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new
-names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an
-unnatural entity exist?"
-	The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
-disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from
-its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
-beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
-package.
-	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
-reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
-of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
-but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
-	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
-"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
-power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
-"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
-of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
-machine worked.
-%
-	A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
-in a forest in the dead of winter.  As they were sitting around a fire, they
-noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
-	The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
-party.  He walked out into the night.
-	The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
-be the next victim.  The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
-too.
-	The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
-to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
-save a fellow socialist."  He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
-the wolf pack.
-	At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
-He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
-has killed them all.
-	The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
-went out to be killed?
-	The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
-He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
-%
-	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
-two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
-I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
-	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
-	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
-strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
-throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
-loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
-rigidity.
-	A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'.  What is this
-law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
-way that astonishes him least.
-	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The
-program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
-appearances.
-	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
-disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
-program.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
-conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
-of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were
-unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
-clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
-made rude noises during my presentation."
-	The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
-Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd,
-an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations.
-Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother
-with social conventions?"
-	"They are alive within the Tao."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
-carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
-doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
-	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
-which contained twelve more loons.
-	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
-	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
-	"What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
-	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
-%
-	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
-recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
-his wellness potential."
-
-	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
-of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
-
-	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
-personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
-
-	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
-mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.
-
-	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
-of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
-only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
-of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
-unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
-touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
-experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
-pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
-sent him.
-		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
-%
-	A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator,
-"This is a parson to parson call."
-	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free
-Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."
-	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great
-deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
-	Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
-often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
-	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
-caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
-	A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
-granite.
-%
-	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
-As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
-eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
-under the kilt?"
-	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
-SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
-really want to know.
-	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
-under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
-%
-	A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
-realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn't
-see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
-group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing
-that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
-it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
-	I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical
-work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
-Didn't it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
-dawned.  It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
-another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
-the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor
-requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
-going to it is so large.
-	Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas
-electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is
-British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water,
-British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
-I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
-secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
-		-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
-%
-	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
-Madonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.
-	A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
-friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she
-had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
-and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
-	Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
-from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed
-Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
-%
-	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
-to die, would you remarry?"
-	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
-this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
-	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
-	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
-	"Well, would you live in this house?"
-	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
-I've always loved it here."
-	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
-	"No."
-	"Why not?"
-	"She's left handed."
-%
-	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
-to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the
-sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
-"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job.
-Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
-	"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
-	"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
-a snake?"
-	"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
-am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
-suck the poison from the wound."
-	"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
-a rattler?" persisted the woman.
-	"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
-who my real friends are."
-%
-	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
-and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
-child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
-therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused
-to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
-the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
-his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
-	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son,
-after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
-	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
-%
-	ACHTUNG!!!
-Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
-schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
-spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
-rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
-vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-%
-	After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
-directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
-Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
-edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
-	"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
-wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious."
-		-- DECWARS
-%
-	After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
-	the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
-would finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
-favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
-camp chores.
-	The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
-	as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
-discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
-children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
-Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
-ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
-	"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
-Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
-interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
-a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
-cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
-	Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
-	Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
-	"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
-realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
-		-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
-		   Feghoot!"
-%
-	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
-minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
-	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
-name for my baby."
-	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
-of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
-	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
-name."
-%
-	All that you touch,		And all you create,
-	All that you see,		And all you destroy,
-	All that you taste,		All that you do,
-	All you feel,			And all you say,
-	And all that you love,		All that you eat,
-	And all that you hate,		And everyone you meet,
-	All you distrust,		All that you slight,
-	All you save,			And everyone you fight,
-	And all that you give,		And all that is now,
-	And all that you deal,		And all that is gone,
-	All that you buy,		And all that's to come,
-	Beg, borrow or steal,		And everything under the sun is
-						in tune,
-					But the sun is eclipsed
-					By the moon.
-
-There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
-		-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
-%
-	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
-with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely
-years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
-or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
-wife. They approve.
-	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I
-want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut
-thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of
-the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again, NASA okays it.
-	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
-to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been
-up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  The
-Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
-perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
-impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
-the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
-screams: "Anybody got a match?"
-%
-	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
-	knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
-and with great restraint.
-	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
-embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away
-to be used "next time."  Sooner or later the first system is finished,
-and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
-that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
-	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
-When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
-confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
-and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
-are particular and not generalizable.
-	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
-all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
-one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
-		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
-he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
-restraint.
-	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
-after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next
-time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
-with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
-is ready to build a second system.
-	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.  When
-he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
-other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
-will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
-generalizable.
-	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
-the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
-The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
-%
-	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
-porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
-picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
-tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
-	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
-beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
-voluptuous woman.
-	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
-for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
-stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
-	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
-	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
-faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
-handsome prince!"
-	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
-handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
-	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
-the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
-fixed?"
-%
-	An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
-is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
-announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
-	"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
-all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
-piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
-	Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
-"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
-outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
-this head and pulls the trigger.
-	The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
-again?"
-	"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
-		-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
-%
-	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
-The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
-to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
-used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
-woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
-and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
-over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
-and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
-	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
-while plunging the knife into his heart.
- 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
-	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
-%
-	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
-great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
-I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
-I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
-I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
-	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
-		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
-	And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
-bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
-to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
-upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
-breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
-	(skip a bit brother...)
-	Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
-take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
-Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
-shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
-that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number
-three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
-Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
-snuff it.
-		-- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
-%
-	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
-	"Diet."
-%
-	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
-to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
-posh hotel.
-	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
-	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
-	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
-a postcard?"
-%
-	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
-	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
-	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
-	"That was the curious incident."
-		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
-%
-	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
-preaching to a group of disciples.
-	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
-the absolute reality of --"
-	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
-	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
-vaporized.
-	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
-with the spirit of the morning.
-	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
-"Thou art That..."
-	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
-	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
-and he vaporized.
-	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
-enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
-soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
-	"US?" snapped Hakuin.
-	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
-Governor, and he vaporized.
-	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
-his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
-%
-	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
-for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
-am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
-you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
-friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
-	"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better*
-for doing it."
-		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
-%
-	At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
-Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
-under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
-%
-	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
-	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
-his followers.
-	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
-there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
-	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
-commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
-Purpose in Life, anyway?"
-	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
-Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
-	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
-	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
-	better !pout !cry
-	better watchout
-	lpr why
-	santa claus < north pole > town
-
-	cat /etc/passwd > list
-	ncheck list
-	ncheck list
-	cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
-	cat list | grep nice > giftlist
-	santa claus < north pole > town
-
-	who | grep sleeping
-	who | grep awake
-	who | grep bad || good
-	for (goodness sake) {
-		be good
-	}
-%
-	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
-Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
-any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
-Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
-center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
-usually know what's wrong."
-%
-	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
-and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
-boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
-look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
-	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
-teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
-the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
-	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
-Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
-what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
-clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
-get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
-You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
-	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
-pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
-	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
-%
-	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
-the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
-still five feet between rails.
-	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
-in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
-of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
-axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
-could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
-great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
-rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
-new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
-over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
-was possible.
-		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
-%
-	Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
-along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
-Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
-	Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
-would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
-	Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
-to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
-	Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
-I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
-	Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
-whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
-	Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
-it some other time, Carrie."
-	She gave it up.
-		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
-%
-	Chapter VIII
-Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
-Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
-like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
-%
-	Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
-in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need more
-owls."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-	COONDOG MEMORY
-	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
-
-Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
-old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
-For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
-is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
-try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
-two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
-back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
-come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
-run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
-something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
-up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
-neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
-stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
-coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
-skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
-Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
-was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
-air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
-Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
-is for sale.
-		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
-%
-	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
-functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
-the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
-	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
-diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
-square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
-date of purchase.
-	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
-DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
-ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
-CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
-		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
-%
-	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
-
-	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
-	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
-	Sept 28		Blind Academy
-	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
-	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
-	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
-	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
-	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
-	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
-	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
-%
-	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
-be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
-%
-	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
-married?"
-	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
-I've always been especially fond of married women."
-%
-	Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
-	Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
-	Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
-	Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
-
-	Don't we know archaic barrel,
-	Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
-	Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
-	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
-		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
-%
-	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
-white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
-
-Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)
-
-p.s.	Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
-	Or is Vaseline better?
-%
-	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
-	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
-intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
-They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
-used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
-bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
-They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
-They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
-		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
-	Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
-at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
-"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
-experiences today.  Here is his account of what happened:
-	"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
-to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
-thought I should find uppermost in my mind.  The mighty music of the triumphal
-march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
-sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
-The veil of eternity was lifted.  The one great truth which underlies all
-human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
-sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation.  Henceforth
-all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
-knowledge of the cherubim.  As my natural condition returned, I remembered
-my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
-characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
-The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
-`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
-		-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
-%
-	During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
-him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
-	In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
-She's a women who conks to stupor.
-	Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
-man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
-	It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
-	It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
-bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
-%
-	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
-hit my wife."
-	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
-at mine, over there."
-%
-	Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
-At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
-after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
-"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
-charming a wife."
-%
-	Everything is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as
-far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for
-the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
-	It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
-days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
-	There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
-speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
-	The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
-and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.  And the
-sizes don't run the way they used to.  The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
-	Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to
-be when I was their age.  On the other hand people my age are so much older
-than I am.
-	I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
-that she didn't recognize me.
-	I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
-this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now,
-they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
-		Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
-%
-	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
-mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
-"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
-how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
-"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
-So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-	Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
-humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
-rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
-seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
-The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
-	"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
-aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
-but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
-	"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
-message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,
-but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
-energy policy and neither do you."
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
-%
-	"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
-"of course you know what 'it' means."
-
-	"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
-said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
-
-The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
-%
-	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
-usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
-evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
-such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
-	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
-and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
-fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
-	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
-in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
-professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
-nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
-	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
-remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
-the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
-thoughts?"
-	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
-%
-	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
-"What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
-	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
-stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
-that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
-	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
-time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
-had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
-teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
-his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
-	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
-little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
-save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
-%
-	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
-and sarcastic?"
-	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
-	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
-%
-	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
-extracurricular activity except you."
-	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
-	"Only to ten, Mudhead."
-%
-	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
-to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
-apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
-in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
-%
-	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
-differences once and for all.
-	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
-where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
-%
-	Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
-	Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
-to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
-	The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
-text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
-	Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
-the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
-expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
-	Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
-perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
-denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
-
-	Thank you and good luck.
-		-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
-%
-	Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
-may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
-Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
-even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
-aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
-	If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
-for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
-Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
-hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
-	Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
-bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
-for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
-proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
-about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
-	Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
-them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
-you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
--- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
-Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
-	Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
-can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
-line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
-to stay employed.
-		-- Technolorata, "Analog"
-%
-	"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
-his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
-verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
-thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
-had actually implicationed.
-	"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
-leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
-since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
-		-- The Guardian
-%
-	Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
-are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
-and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
-to conquer the world.
-	Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
-hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
-lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
-not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
-for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
-	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
-from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
-	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
-promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
-nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
-	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
-you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes.  Then, on
-the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
-find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
-the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
-%
-	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
-No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
-been worse."
-	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
-hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
-"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
-found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
-the gun on himself!"
-	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
-	"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
-have been worse?"
-	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
-dead right now."
-%
-	He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
-until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
-heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
-ordered the dog brought in.  Just as he had suspected, the dog had
-rabies.  Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
-felt he had to prepare him for the worst.  The poor man sat down at the
-doctor's desk and began to write.  His physician tried to comfort him.
-"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
-right now."
-	"I'm not making out any will," relied the man.  "I'm just writing
-out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
-%
-	...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
-does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
-combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
-self-propagating.
-		-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
-%
-	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
-	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
-	"Do it alone?"
-	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
-	"How would that help?"
-	"Used a whip."
-%
-	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
-	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
-	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
-	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
-	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
-	"Oh, it's not dead then."
-	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
-goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
-on the safe side."
-	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
-to a dead cat, do you?"
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
-According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
-severe marketing anxiety in China.
-	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
-on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
-	Bite the wax tadpole.
-	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
-	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
-to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
-tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
-satiric vistas do not open up.
-		-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
-with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
-Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
-define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
-court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
-Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
-it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
-his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
-enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
-ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
-that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
-it because the court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
-of her blonde companion.
-	"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
-	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
-	"Olives."
-%
-	"How many people work here?"
-	"Oh, about half."
-%
-	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there are
-3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand, who
-could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
-		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
-%
-	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
-social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
-full of money before."
-%
-	"How'd you get that flat?"
-	"Ran over a bottle."
-	"Didn't you see it?"
-	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
-%
-	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
-the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
-	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
-	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
-%
-	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
-	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
-	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
-	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
-	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
-	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
-	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
-	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
-	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
-	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-	I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
-the sky blue?"
-	HE asked me about black holes in space.
-	(There's a hole *where*?)
-
-	I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
-	HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
-	(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
-
-	I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
-	HE talked internal combustion engines.
-	(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
-
-	I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
-as equals.
-	HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
-the graphics.
-
-	Then puberty struck.  Ah, adolescence.
-	HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
-	(Gotcha!)
-		-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
-%
-	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
-use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
-violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
-is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
-of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
-each other up:
-     You: Hello?  Bob?
-     Bob: Yes?
-     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
-          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
-     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
-     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
-	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
-	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
-	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
-	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
-	  have to get back to you.
-     Bob: Fine.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
-	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
-till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
-	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
-objected.
-	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
-tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
-	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
-so many different things."
-	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
-that's all."
-%
-	I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
-accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
-the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
-can't be measured in monetary terms.
-	Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
-have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came
-by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
-should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
-understand his long delay.
-%
-	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
-I think very probably he might be cured."
-	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
-	"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
-	The elders murmured assent.
-	"Now, what affects it?"
-	"Ah!" said old Yacob.
-	"This," said the doctor, answering his own question.  "Those queer
-things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
-depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
-as to affect his brain.  They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
-his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
-irritation and distraction."
-	"Yes?" said old Yacob.  "Yes?"
-	"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
-to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
-operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
-	"And then he will be sane?"
-	"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
-	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
-		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
-%
-	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
-of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
-of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
-as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
-"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
-at present".
-	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
-myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
-immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
-observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
-but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
-	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
-conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
-proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
-I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
-prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
-happened to be in the right.
-		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
-%
-	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
-me to cry.
-	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
-to weep."
-	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
-back; I would be nice."
-	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
-	"Oh, not enough."
-	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
-	"Not ever?"
-	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
-	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
-	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
-valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
-		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
-%
-	I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
-asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics.  He politely obliged.
-That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
-over the same month for the previous year.  The precinct had made two
-arrests.
-	"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
-	"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me.  "You know what
-these complaints represent?"
-	"What do they represent?" I asked.
-	"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
-closing the book.
-		-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
-%
-	[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
-including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
-as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
-	Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
-of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
-and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
-My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
-when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
-into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
-pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
-into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
-explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians!  Hide the eggs!" every
-time I have pork.  But I digress.  The fact remains that I cannot rationally
-deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
-%
-	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
-"What'll you have, Bud"?
-	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
-	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-	If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
-	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
-that is also a psychological interaction.
-	The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
-so friendly.
-	The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
-		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-	If the tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
-operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler
-is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then
-the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
-	The tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
-to the assembler.
-	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
-languages.
-	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
-expresses the yin and yang of software.  Each language has its place within
-the tao.
-	But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
-%
-	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
-everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
-we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
-	Both those things sound pretty good to me.
-		-- Sparky Anderson
-%
-	If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
-brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
-up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
-repeat the sequence.
-	You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
-hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it
-again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
-your own apartment?
-		-- William S. Burroughs
-%
-	"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
-means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
-somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
-	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
-them, or something?"
-	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
-lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
-not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
-	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
-	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
-you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
-it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
-would destroy the whole point of it."
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
-%
-	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
-young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
-I'm on my way."
-	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
-%
-	I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
-right manual yet.  I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
-library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
-should find what I'm looking for by mid May.  I hope I can remember what it
-was by the time I find it.
-	I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
-"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC".  It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
-that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
-pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
-blank."
-		-- Alex Crain
-%
-	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
-Junior, what are you up to?"
-	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
-rabbit.
-	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
-will publish such rubbish!"
-	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
-	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
-rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
-wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
-	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
-wolves."
-	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
-	"Come with me and I'll show you."
-	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
-and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
-and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
-lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
-remnants of the wolf and the fox.
-
-	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
-important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
-%
-	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
-his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
-kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
-was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
-Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
-Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
-of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers
-and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
-out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value
-to product."
-	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
-10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200
-lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
-pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have
-been an efficiency expert?
-		-- Motor Trend, May 1983
-%
-	In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
-mud."
-	And there was mud.
-	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
-can see what we have done."
-	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
-man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
-	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
-	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
-	"Certainly," said man.
-	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
-	And He went away.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu"
-%
-	In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and
-null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
-IBM was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there
-be registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they
-carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called
-the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was
-evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
-		-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
-%
-	In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
-the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they grew to
-large numbers and prospered.
-	One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
-as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
-was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further up they went ...
-until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
-	The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
-structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
-out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
-they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
-understand each other.  They all spoke different languages.  They all fought
-amongst themselves and each went about their own way.  To this day the
-Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
-		-- The Story of Babel
-%
-	In the beginning was the Tao.  The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
-Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
-
-	Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
-time and space for their programs.  Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
-have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
-	How could it be otherwise?
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
-sat hacking at the PDP-6.
-	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
-	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
-	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
-	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
-	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
-you close your eyes?"
-	"So that the room will be empty."
-	At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
-%
-	In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It
-changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky.  When this
-bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
-This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
-making its mark upon the beach.  Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
-the blue sky at its back, returns home.
-	The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
-it not.  The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
-its message.  The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
-does not know that the bird has come and gone.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
-	In the evening, floating in the soup.
-(chorus):
-Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
-Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
-	You can ask them anything you want to.
-	They won't answer; they can't talk.
-(chorus):
-	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
-	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
-(chorus):
-	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
-	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
-(chorus):
-	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
-	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
-(chorus):
-	Fishy!
-(chorus):
-		-- Fish Heads
-%
-	"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
-to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
-like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
-baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
-Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
-achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
-right any day."
-	"And are you?"
-	"No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
-	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
-life-style otherwise."
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
-announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
-today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
-a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
-in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
-around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
-those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
-	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
-citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
-these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
-than a citizen bless their country?"
-%
-	Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
-what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
-may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if
-not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
-benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
-I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
-in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit.  I ask this in my
-capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
-not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
-receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
-which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
-	Amen.
-%
-	It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
-working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he
-found that he had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one
-he asked, "What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They
-discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second
-new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
-IQ.  The answer this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell
-me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
-an hour or so.  To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
-question, "What's your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70",
-Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
-%
-	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
-directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
-During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
-Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
-enough power to destroy an entire file structure.  Pursued by the Empire's
-sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
-custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
-freedom and games to the network...
-		-- DECWARS
-%
-	It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
-by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
-the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
-case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
-which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
-like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
-require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
-not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
-because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
-human beings.
-	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
-there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
-duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
-of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
-you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
-and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
-	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
-to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
-response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
-	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
-have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
-different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
-person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then
-remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
-religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-		-- Playboy, January, 1983
-%
-	It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
-for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
-change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.   The only problem is the
-ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
-after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
-starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
-a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
-his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
-he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
-passengers.
-	One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
-a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
-parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
-to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
-As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
-the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
-"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"
-%
-	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
-balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
-turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
-need to find out where we are."
-	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
-cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
-standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
-where we are?"
-	The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
-fifty feet in the air!"
-	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
-	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
-	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
-useless!"
-
-That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-%
-	It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
-everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
-was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
-cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
-	There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
-really needed in the first place.
-	I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
-analogous to the above.
-		-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
-%
-	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
-	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
-		-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
-%
-	Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
-been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
-	"Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag
-when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
-Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is
-it always me, teacher?"
-	"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
-explains.
-
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
-her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
-the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
-way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
-begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
-stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
-	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
-the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
-mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
-wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
-	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
-can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
-	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
-the dining room skylight."
-%
-	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
-lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
-getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
-the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
-sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
-you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
-What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
-of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
-the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
-They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
-applications for.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
-tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people
-and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the
-outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
-caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
-day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
-	Nobody's cut the grass in months.  What's happened to that caretaker?
-What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
-start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
-Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior
-class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
-movie one night and stays out.  The town's up in arms, but just before the
-police take action, the kids turn up.  They've found a purpose.  They go
-home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
-now.  They're in a band.
-		-- Ira Kaplan
-%
-	Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
-Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back?  Eh?
-	Ho, ho!  Don't I wish!  What do you think every electrofreak
-dreams about?  You're such an old fuddyduddy!  A-and who sez it's a
-dream, huh?  M-maybe it exists.  Maybe there is a Machine to take us
-away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
-the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
-other souls it's got stored there.  It could decide who it would suck
-out, a-and when.  Dope never gave you immortality.  You hadda come
-back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat!  But We can live
-forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
-character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
-hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
-are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
-BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
-to him.
-	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
-he met the traveling salesman.
-	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
-in high-level language.
-	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
-and Apples," commented Jack.
-	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
-there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
-	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
-he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
-started thrashing.
-	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
-kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-window...
-		-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
-%
-	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
-into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
-galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
-	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
-eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
-rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
-the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
-	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
-guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
-the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
-smacked his lips with relish.
-	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
-	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
-a-comin'."
-%
-	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
-and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the
-graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
-	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don't
-hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.
-Don't take things that aren't yours.   Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
-Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good
-for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint
-and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
-	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for
-traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the
-little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and
-nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and
-hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
-die.  So do we.
-	And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
-learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in
-there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and
-politics and sane living.
-	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
--- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
-our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
-nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
-messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
-the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
-		-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
-		   in kindergarten"
-%
-	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
-do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top
-of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
-	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.
-Don't hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your
-own mess.  Don't take things that aren't yours.  Say you're sorry when you
-hurt someone.  Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and
-cold milk are good for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think
-some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
-some.
-	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch
-for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember
-the little seed in the plastic cup.  The roots go down and the plant goes
-up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
-[...]
-	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
-world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
-down with our blankets for a nap.   Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
-and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
-up our own messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
-you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
-		-- Robert Flughum
-%
-	Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice.  "Just think of all the
-people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
-	Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-		-- Spike Milligan
-%
-	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
-approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
-	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
-All I have in the world is this gun."
-%
-	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
-Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The
-company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
-defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
-	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
-plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
-cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
-		-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
-%
-	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
-Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
-without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
-an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
-prison.
-	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
-in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
-them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
-hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
-to death.
-	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
-be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
-any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
-Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
-Murray.
-	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
-	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-	My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
-Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
-We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
-Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at
-6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by
-6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That
-was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
-and Knights of Pithiests.
-	The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
-annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
-which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water.  They
-weren't looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole.
-	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
-pajamas, I don't know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That's a tough
-word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
-embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out.  But in Alabama the Tusks are
-looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
-	We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
-So we're going back in a few years...
-		-- Julius H. Marx
-%
-	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
-even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be
-understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
-robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also present this view as
-an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
-the alter of human limitations.
-	I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
-in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not shown
-the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion.  He had
-threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
-stability:  the static world order with planets circling about a central
-earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord.  But the
-Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology.  They had no choice; the
-earth really does revolve about the sun.
-		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
-	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
-a girl should not do before twenty."
-	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
-audience, either."
-%
-	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
-	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
-	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
-	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
-	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-
--- Reverse the bits in a word.
-%
-	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
-you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
-oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal commitment.
-	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
-the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
-repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
-in the others.
-	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
-of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
-it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
-	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
-therapy ask if people have had therapy.
-	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
-%
-	NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
-directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
-Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
-offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
-true value of the company.
-	Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
-Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
-agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
-their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to
-reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
-reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
-Nazareth.
-%
-	"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
-simple, really.  "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can't
-hold people, you can't own them.  I mean it's only natural, a natural process
-really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to
-expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know."  There were
-those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated.  "I don't hold a grudge.  I
-can't."
-	"You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don't understand."
-		-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
-%
-	Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
-	He shakes his head.  He hasn't the faintest idea.
-	"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
-"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program,
-born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the
-program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
-stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
-a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other
-times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
-*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the
-program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching
-the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
-stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer's finest
-hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
-"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!"
-%
-	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
-to be avoided than harped upon.
-	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
-reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
-just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
-about helping to postpone this reunion.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-	"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
-of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
-urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
-put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they'll
-confirm who I am.
-	"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
-		-- Captain Freedom
-%
-	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
-testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
-and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
-no attention to the signal.
-	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
-complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
-"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
-	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
-lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
-%
-	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
-receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
-income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
-$283 on the desk before the cashier.
-	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
-route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
-	"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
-business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
-worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
-%
-	On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
-around for a present for his wife.  He knew what she wanted, a
-grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
-almost impossible to find.  Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
-found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver.  Joe,
-desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
-staggered out onto the sidewalk.  On the way home, he passed a bar.
-Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
-sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter.  Murphy's law
-being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
-	"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
-wreckage.  "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
-	With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
-dusted himself off.  "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
-normal person?"
-%
-	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is
-saying."
-	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
-the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
-to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
-singing."
-	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
-	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
-%
-	On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
-There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
-is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
-non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
-several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
-best, write it down and make that the standard.
-	The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions
-from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
-committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
-with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
-something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
-	So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
-then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
-it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
-after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
-committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
-it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
-		-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
-%
-	On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
-tomatoes.  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
-they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw
-it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
-at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines,
-heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said,
-"You're going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking.
-	What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
-she looked like the side of a barn.
-	I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it
-had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
-and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
-when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had
-to decide quickly.  I decided.
-	A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
-man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after
-faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
-me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a
-good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that
-the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
-a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
-		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
-	Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
-special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
-traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We
-traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
-see a shopper emerge from the mall.  Then we follow her, in very much the same
-spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
-week, until it led them to a parking space.
-	We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
-let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us.  Sometimes, two cars
-will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
-great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler.  So, we follow
-our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
-to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
-which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall.  Sometimes our
-shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
-go back to shopping.  But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
-and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
-		   Skirmish"
-%
-	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
-crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
-and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
-resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature
-said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall
-let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
-	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current
-you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
-die quicker than boredom!"
-	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
-once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time,
-as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
-bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
-	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
-a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come
-to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
-Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
-Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
-	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
-rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-		-- Richard Bach
-%
-	Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
-time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,
-in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
-dolphins live forever!
-	Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
-produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
-only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried
-away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
-steal one of these birds.
-	Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
-escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
-combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
-on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
-	Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
-bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
-stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
-car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
-transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
-%
-	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
-through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
-on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
-frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
-I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
-a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
-	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
-help you break such a spell."
-	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
-taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
-the night under her pillow."
-	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
-pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
-enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
-royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
-her father and mother still don't believe her story.
-%
-	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
-One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
-biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought with it for hours,
-until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface.  Looking of the edge
-of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling
-with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he
-accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
-snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
-"sploosh!"  Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
-simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly, the
-fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
-	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
-boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a fish-processing
-plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
-heads, readying them for the next phase in processing.  This monotonous task
-went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
-his entire world, day after day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he
-was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
-the line looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
-he had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation as
-his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS THUMB!
-%
-	Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
-to experience an elephant for the first time.  One approached the elephant,
-and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
-like a tree."  The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
-is like a strong hose."  The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool!  An elephant
-is like a rope!"  The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
-And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
-a wall."  The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
-perception of the elephant.
-	The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
-attacked the men.  He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
-bloody lumps of flesh.  Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
-goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions.  When I first saw
-them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
-%
-	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
-in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
-who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
-and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
-win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
-way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
-each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
-not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
-in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
-they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
-treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
-thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
-answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.
-%
-	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
-of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
-complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
-obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
-	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
-available to anyone.
-		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
-%
-	One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
-a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers
-to each cons."
-	Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
-student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
-collector..."
-%
-	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
-an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
-went to speak with him.
-	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
-students inquired.
-	"It is", Kyogen answered.
-	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
-	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
-%
-	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
-he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
-I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
-things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
-them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
-so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
-you."
-	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
-Kelly?"
-	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
-saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
-lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
-		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
-%
-	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
-and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
-people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
-stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
-wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
-"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
-	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
-meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
-happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
-again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
-one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
-losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
-could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
-and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
-what's more, he felt really good about himself.
-	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
-and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
-passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
-	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
-bus pass."
-%
-	One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead.  He
-directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
-	"Change course 10 degrees South."
-	The reply was quickly flashed back...
-	"You change course 10 degrees North."
-	The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
-message.....
-	"I am a captain.  Change course 10 degrees South."
-	Back came the reply...
-	"I am an able-seaman.  Change course 10 degrees North."
-	The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
-"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker.  CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
-	Back came the reply...
-	"I am a LIGHTHOUSE.  Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
-		-- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
-%
-	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
-is our support for UNIX?
-	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
-Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
-VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
-easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
-users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
-And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have
-good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
-	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
-out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
-up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
-	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
-check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With VMS, no matter
-what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
-you look long enough it's there.  That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
-is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
-		-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
-[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
-Olsen's brain.  Ed.]
-%
-	page 46
-...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
-Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
-to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative.  "The group
-on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
-"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
-on placebo."
-	page 56
-The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
-Illness is always an interaction between both.  It can begin in the mind and
-affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
-which are served by the same bloodstream.  Attempts to treat most mental
-diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
-to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
-be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
-body functions.
-		-- Norman Cousins,
-		"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
-%
-	Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in
-town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
-	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
-stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
-Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
-a Tory!"
-	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
-loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
-husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
-	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
-Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
-never reveal our sauce."
-	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
-kept favoring curry.
-	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
-game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
-%
-	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
-these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
-persuasion.
-	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
-misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
-swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
-respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling
-enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse
-the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
-	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up
-version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
-"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
-able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you
-call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
-youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
-%
-	"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
-sounding a bit worried.
-	"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
-is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
-	"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
-said quickly.
-	"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
-Cobb said, hopping out.
-		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
-	Phases of a Project:
-(1)	Exultation.
-(2)	Disenchantment.
-(3)	Confusion.
-(4)	Search for the Guilty.
-(5)	Punishment for the Innocent.
-(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
-%
-	Price Wang's programmer was coding software.  His fingers danced upon
-the keyboard.  The program compiled without an error message, and the program
-ran like a gentle wind.
-	Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
-	"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
-follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique.  When I first began to program I
-would see before me the whole program in one mass.  After three years I no
-longer saw this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.
-My whole being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit,
-free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program
-writes itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them
-coming, I slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code
-and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the
-program.  I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my
-eyes for a moment and then log off."
-	Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the
-universe again..."  An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
-know which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
-spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
-starfield surrounding the ship.
-	"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
-ZORAC announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but
-they are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have
-been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
-and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
-Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
-		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
-%
-	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
-Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
-and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
-every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
-getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
-me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
-	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
-to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
-No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
-maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On
-the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
-whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
-possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
-		-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
-%
-	"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
-what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
-somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
-	"He was going to suck my blood!"
-	"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
-if they don't live our way."
-...
-	"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
-happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose,
-ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides.
-Nobody else.  My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him?  That's
-his decision to be hurt, that's his choice.  What you do about it is your
-decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
-through his heart.  If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
-in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices."
-	"When you look at it that way..."
-	"Listen," he said, "it's important.  We are all.  Free.  To do.
-Whatever.  We want.  To do."
-		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
-uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
-rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
-algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
-of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
-claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the creator of
-differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
-largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work.  Probably
-he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
-well.
-		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
-%
-	Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
-their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
-generous person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
-
-	Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
-Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
-shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
-	"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
-advertising men in charge of his campaign.
-	"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
-	"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-	SAFETY
-I can live without
-Someone I love
-But not without
-Someone I need.
-%
-	Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
-"I can't stand elephants," he explained.  "I lie awake nights despising
-them.  The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
-	"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
-Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
-That way you'll get it out of your system."
-	Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
-inviting his best friend to join him.   They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
-time getting out on the jungle trails.  After they had been hunting for
-several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
-yelled at him:
-	"Sam, Sam, Sam!  Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
-barrel!  Now aim it!  QUICK!  SAM!  QUICK!  No!  Not that way -- this way!
-Be sure you don't jerk the trigger!  Wait SAM!  Don't let him see you!  Aim
-at his head!"
-	Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend.  He was put in
-prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him.  "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
-psychiatrist said.  "Why?"
-	"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
-hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
-%
-	Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
-afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
-the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
-long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.  Reverently, George
-removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
-Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
-Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George.  "Say, that was a
-nice gesture you made today, George.
-	"What do you mean?" asked George.
-	"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
-respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
-	"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you
-know."
-%
-	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
-"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
-said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
-	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
-	"Too proud?"  the other enquired.
-	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
-she said, "that one can't help growing older."
-	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
-proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
-%
-	Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
-	The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm...
-Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
-the odd integers are prime."
-	The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
-sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
-experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
-prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
-is prime...  Well, it seems that you're right."
-	The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
-"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
-see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
-well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it
-does seem right."
-	Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
-"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
-I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
-his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
-"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
-%
-	"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
-	"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"
-	"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
-paper boots."
-	"What's he wanted for?"
-	"Rustling."
-%
-	Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
-Vulgate Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
-automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
-in the text.  This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
-He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the
-published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
-had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result
-provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
-Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
-every copy.
-%
-	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
-With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
-maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
-corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
-flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
-it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
-I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
-the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
-	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
-I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
-heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
-unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
-up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
-opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
-our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
-the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
-cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
-these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
-into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
-haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It's a good town, a civilized town.
-A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let
-the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath.  We have known the
-stolid but steady Killebrew.  Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
-may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
-Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer.  The loss is
-theirs.  And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
-butter on lefse.  Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
-disease and the number one crime is overtime parking.  We boast more theater
-per capita than the Big Apple.  We go to see, not to be seen.  We go even
-when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there.  Indeed
-the winters are fierce.  But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
-People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
-much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
-Here's to the Minneapple.  And to its people.  Our flair for style is balanced
-by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
-	And we always, always eat our vegetables.
-	This is the Minneapple.
-%
-	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting
-alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is
-the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the
-Tao of Programming.
-	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
-operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is
-greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is
-harmony in the world.
-	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
-morning.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
-on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
-Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
-employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
-farmers in America."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-	"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
-Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
-intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
-women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
-good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
-Machineries of Joy?"
-	"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
-%
-	Split		1/4 bottle	.187 liters
-	Half		1/2 bottle
-	Bottle		750 milliliters
-	Magnum		2 bottles	1.5 liters
-	Jeroboam	4 bottles
-	Rehoboam	6 bottles	Not available in the US
-	Methuselah	8 bottles
-	Salmanazar	12 bottles
-	Balthazar	16 bottles
-	Nebuchadnezzar	20 bottles	15 liters
-	Sovereign	34 bottles	26 liters
-
-	The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
-largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
-to produce and they only made 8 of them.
-	Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
-%
-	Stop!  Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
-these questions three, ere the other side he see!
-
-	"What is your name?"
-	"Sir Brian of Bell."
-	"What is your quest?"
-	"I seek the Holy Grail."
-	"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
-to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
-	"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
-%
-	Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later?
-Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
-never comes again.  San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
-and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long
-run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the
-Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could
-strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
-were doing was right, that we were winning...
-	And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
-over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
-need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting
--- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
-of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go
-up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
-you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
-broke and rolled back.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
-to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
-beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
-drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
-nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
-and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola
-was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
-improve ...
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
-sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
-	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
-	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
-she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-	"So?"
-	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-%
-	"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
-they're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold."
-		-- e.e. cummings last service call
-%
-	"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
-and blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
-You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
-night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
-you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
-honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
-it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
-the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
-tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
-is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
-%
-	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
-say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
-	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
-others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
-for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
-	It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners
-has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
-curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
-foot or two under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the
-sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
-dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
-people shaking umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to
-is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
-%
-	The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
-in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl
-laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
-got a sense of humor?"
-	"I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
-"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
-in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
-but not much good in a fight."
-%
-	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
-a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
-his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
-	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
-please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
-sees nothing but goyim..."
-	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
-you got problems.  What about my son?"
-%
-	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
-physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
-"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
-from women."
-	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
-second best?"
-%
-	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES:	Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Courtship & Mating:
-	Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
-	state of sexual readiness.  Courtship behavior alternates between
-	awkward shyness and abrupt advances.  When he finally mates, he
-	chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
-	a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
-Track:
-	Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
-	copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
-Comments:
-	Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
-%
-	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES:	Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Description:
-	Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
-	Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
-	sightly gray from CRT illumination.  He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
-	and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
-	problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
-Feathering:
-	HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
-	Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
-Song:
-	A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
-%
-	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES:	Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Plumage:
-	All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
-	top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers
-	wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
-	and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
-	or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
-	Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
-	plastic digital watch with calculator.
-%
-	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
-As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
-	"What happened?"
-	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
--- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
-%
-	The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
-inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
-	"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
-	In his head he ran through his standard explanations.  "It's not so,"
-he thought.  "It's a deterrent."  Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
-Senator.  Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied.  Try
-a cup."
-	The Senator did.  "Pfffttt!  Tastes like jet fuel!"
-	"It's not so," the General thought.  "It's a deterrent."
-	Then he remembered something.  "We bought a lot of untested computer
-chips," the General answered.  "They got into everything.  Just a little
-mix-up.  Nothing serious."
-	Then he remembered something else.  It was at the site of the
-mysterious B-1 crash.  A strange smell in the fuel lines.  It smelled like
-coffee.  Smooth and full bodied...
-		-- Another Episode of General's Hospital
-%
-	The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of
-the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
-Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
-End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
-%
-	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
-the subject of towels.
-	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For
-some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
-with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
-toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore,
-the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
-a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can
-hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
-win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
-reckoned with.
-%
-	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
-the subject of towels.
-	A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
-interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value.
-You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
-of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
-of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
-Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
-with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
-%
-	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
-After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
-branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
-wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
-	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
-horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
-Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
-"That's two," he said.
-	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
-crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
-off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
-shot the horse between the eyes.
-	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
-married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
-	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
-%
-	The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
-a position of negative need.
-	He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
-	He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
-liquid.
-	He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
-	He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
-prestige of His identity.
-	It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
-ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
-sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
-	Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
-into a pleasurific mood state.
-	You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
-in the context of non-cooperative elements.
-	You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
-	My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
-	It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
-empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
-target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
-tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
-time basis.
-%
-	The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
-master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the
-master's office while the master waited in silence.
-	"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
-began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
-system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
-interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
-Is it not amazing?"
-	The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
-said.
-	"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
-everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree
-to this?"
-	"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
-data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well
-pleased.
-	Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
-programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do
-you know where it might be?"
-	"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
-in the data center."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
-emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I
-have a quarter?"
-	The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
-	The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
-right!  Can I have a dollar?"
-%
-	The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No
-change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project
-is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
-students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
-ation.
-	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
-recognition of the sanctity of human life."
-
-	According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
-1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
-"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family
-farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
-
-	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
-Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You
-probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
-
-	It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
-logically experienced citizens."
-
-	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
-just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
-		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
-%
-	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
-	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
-feel interested.
-	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
-vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
-Aged Man.'"
-	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
-Alice corrected herself.
-	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
-called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
-	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
-time completely bewildered.
-	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
-"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
-		--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
-	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
-You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
-old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
-grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
-bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
-		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
-%
-	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
-I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
-	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
-Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
-out on the water, round.  Usurper.
-		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
-%
-	The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
-get results.
-	The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
-problems in order to get results
-	The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
-toy problems in order to get results.
-%
-	The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom
-their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
-	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
-battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
-blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
-	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
-	The answer exists only in the Tao.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
-forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
-their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
-to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
-	Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
-on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
-got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
-hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
-most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
-	"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
-	The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
-suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
-through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
-and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
-one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
-%
-	The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
-Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
-of some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
-reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
-field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well known that as
-early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
-national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
-incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
-analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
-threatened them with a pointy stick.  That these tactics proved fruitless
-is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
-which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
-Iceland and get it from the Russians.
-		-- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
-%
-	The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
-to the assembler.
-	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
-languages.
-	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
-expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
-the Tao.
-	But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
-	Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
-
-A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
-should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want to
-take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine piece
-of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
-statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
-of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
-only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?
-
-	The Honeymoon's Over:			from $ 5000
-	The Seven Year Itch:			from $10000
-	No More Lunchtime Quickies:		from $15000
-	Divorce Would Be More Expensive:	from $42000
-
-			A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears
-%
-	The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average
-programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer
-is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there
-would be no Tao.
-	The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to
-retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program
-still has bugs.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	THE WOMBAT
-
-The wombat lives across the seas,
-Among the far Antipodes.
-He may exist on nuts and berries,
-Or then again, on missionaries;
-His distant habitat precludes
-Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
-But I would not engage the wombat
-In any form of mortal combat.
-%
-	The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
-stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
-his ticket at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
-to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour's
-wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
-Dave!"  The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
-of the voice -- with no success.   Then he realized he had lost his place in
-line and had to wait all over again.  When the fan finally bought his ticket,
-he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink.  The line at the concession stand
-was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait.  Just as
-he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!"  Again the Aggie tried
-to find the voice -- but no luck.  He was very upset as he got back in line
-for his drink.  Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
-As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
-Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,  "My name is not
-Dave!"
-%
-	Them Toad Suckers
-
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-		-- Mason Williams
-%
-	Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
-
-	He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
-Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
-open market.
-
-	If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
-should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
-himself.
-
-	Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
-	Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
-	Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-		-- Kehlog Albran
-%
-	Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
-it's got so much stuff floating around in it.  It takes the edge out of
-the colors.  Down here even the traffic lights are pastel.  And people!
-With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
-make sure that they are Earthlings.  Then there's the police.  In Portland,
-when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
-him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
-with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS!  ALL!  STARTED!  WHEN!  YOU!  WERE!
-THREE! YEARS!  OLD!  ON!  ACCOUNT! OF!  YOUR MOTHER!  RIGHT?  SO!  LET'S!
-TALK! ABOUT!  IT!"  Down here they don't waste that kind of time.  The LAPD
-has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
-Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-		-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
-%
-	Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
-with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
-sleep...  And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
-his real problems.
-	The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
-problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
-headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
-gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
-	The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
-stand to live with.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-	"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly.  "What use is
-wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"  He gripped the magician's shoulder
-hard, to keep from falling.
-	Schmendrick did not turn his head.  With a touch of sad mockery in
-his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
-...
-	"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said.  "That is exactly what heroes
-are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
-heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-		-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
-	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
-someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
-Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
-Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
-every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
-this?
-	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
-centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
-can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
-forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
--- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
-even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
-why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-	There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as
-he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
-	"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be
-forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
-	This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
-of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
-But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
-	When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
-but nothing was to be found.
-	On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
-guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
-better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
-	On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
-curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
-in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?"
-	The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
-A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
-programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
-master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
-appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must
-understand the Tao before transcending structure."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan.  Seems one
-day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver.  Well, the owner
-of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
-change at his customer's expense.  Turning quietly to the counterman, he
-whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
-%
-	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
-going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to
-a man who answered one door.
-	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
-	"Forty dollars."
-	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
-	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
-"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,
-"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
-%
-	There was a knock on the door.  Mrs. Miffin opened it.  "Are
-you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
-	"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
-	"Oh, no?" replied the little boy.  "Wait 'til you see what
-they're carrying upstairs!"
-%
-	There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
-three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
-each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
-can opener.
-	A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
-cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from
-pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
-and escaped.
-	The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
-off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good
-pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
-	The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
-solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
-against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
-	Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
-	Proof: assume the opposite...
-%
-	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
-warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
-an accounting package or an operating system?"
-	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
-	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an
-accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
-system," he said.
-	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
-the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
-how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
-the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
-appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
-simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
-is easier to design."
-	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but
-which is easier to debug?"
-	The programmer made no reply.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
-warlord Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
-an accounting package or an operating system?"
-	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
-	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
-accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
-system," he said.
-	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
-the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
-how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
-tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
-appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
-simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
-is easier to design."
-	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
-he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
-	The programmer made no reply.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at
-how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
-"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to
-share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and
-easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
-	The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
-friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
-midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
-of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
-as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system
-like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am."
-	The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the
-two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
-drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer
-pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
-demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
-sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
-	They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought.
-No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
-ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae
-was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
-beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these
-things was itself the doing of them.
-	To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
-so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
-greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
-and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
-sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
-of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
-spread only for demons or for gods."
-		-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
-%
-	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone
-being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
-	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
-whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
-	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
-about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
-country.  We're completely computerized.
-	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
-leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
-real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
-country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
-look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
-yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
-I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
-	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
-He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
-	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
-we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
-your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
-%
-	This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
-explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
-use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
-and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
-	We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
-pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
-we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
-making anything out of all the hard work.
-	If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
-around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
-attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors
-locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
-		-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
-%
-	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
-legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
-	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it.  I
-am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane.  But we
-will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
-a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
-politicians.
-	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can do
-for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
-From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
-led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
-bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease.  I don't
-have it this morning.  It comes and goes.  This morning I don't have Hunter
-Thompson's disease.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
-		from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
-		Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
-	To A Quick Young Fox
-Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
-Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
-Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
-Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-		-- Lazy Dog
-%
-	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
-wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
-	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
-food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
-promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
-eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
-Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
-pint of ice cream nearby.
-		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
-%
-	Two men looked out from the prison bars,
-	One saw mud--
-	The other saw stars.
-
-Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
-While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
-in the head.
-%
-	Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
-ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
-"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
-	After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
-seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
-sing, "Some day my prints will come."
-	A boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought
-an album too, and started her own collection.  "Dad, she buys everything I've
-bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me.  I'm quitting."  Don't,
-son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
-	A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
-and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
-was Carmen or Cohen.
-	Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever
-since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small
-orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
-%
-	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year
-strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap
-crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
-There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon.  Calendars are made with
-a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
-salesmen.  The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
-square knots.  The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
-soggy potato chips."
-	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
-	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
-"but I thought it made good copy."
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-	Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
-Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
-up to 340."
-
-	On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
-stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
-to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
-
-	A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
-finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
-are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't
-work."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
-	We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
-think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow
-doesn't work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
-messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us.  If you don't like this
-disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
-by law, up to and including nothing.
-	This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
-packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
-	We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
-lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
-attack shark at which point we relented.
-		-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
-%
-	"We friends, yes?"  The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
-and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
-trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
-in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
-predatory.
-	The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
-at the elbow.  He spoke in his dead junky whisper.  "With veins like that,
-Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-		-- William Burroughs
-%
-	We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
-you are so tired.
-	There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
-	The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over
-60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20
-years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
-	There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
-19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which
-leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
-and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in
-hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
-	Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
-so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
-brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
-%
-	"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will
-you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
-psycho-prompter couch?"
-	"Thank you, Red."
-	"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
-your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
-pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
-	"Yes, Red."
-	"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
-repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now,
-at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
-your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of
-two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
-projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?"
-	"Yes, Red."
-	"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
-been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
-explain the failure of your three marriages."
-	"Well, I--"
-	"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our
-product."
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-	Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
-of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
-	Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
-only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen.  In it his mind floated freely,
-able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
-undistracted by any outside disturbances.  Logical structures no longer
-inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
-All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
-became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
-not evident to ordinary vision.  Like beads strung on a string of their own
-meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
-all.  Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
-all others.  And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
-destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
-	Time passed, unheeded.
-	Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
-Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-		-- Wayfarer
-%
-	"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
-blocks.  Maybe just four.  You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
-scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
-ripped off..."
-	"He'd be a bloody mess.  They might think he was just some drunk and
-let him lie there all night."
-	"Don't worry about that.  They have a guard station in front of the
-White House that's open 24 hours a day.  The guards would recognize Colson...
-and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
-that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
-	"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
-and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
-around to the front of the White House?  There's a naked man lying outside
-in the street, bleeding to death...'"
-	"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
-	"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
-	"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
-		-- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
-		ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
-%
-	"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
-The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
-maim or kill innocent little children."
-	"Oh, so you don't like it?"
-	"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
-		-- The Killing Joke
-%
-	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
-as follows."
-	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am
-an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
-	"It means the Thing to Do."
-	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
-%
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt so
-good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
-MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
-is mightier than you."
-	A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
-"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
-stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
-quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
-	Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
-him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.  The
-tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
-don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
-%
-	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
-had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
-Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
-		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988
-
-The New Yorker's comment:
-	At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
-%
-	"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
-	"Oh, is he very old then?"
-	"No, we just don't like him."
-	"Oh.  How do they put budgies down anyway?"
-	"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
-great big book called `How to put your budgie down'.  And as I understand it,
-you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
-above the beak."
-	"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
-	"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
-pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
-of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-	"We've got a problem, HAL".
-	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
-	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
-way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
-	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
-advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
-	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
-they're not selling."
-	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
-	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
-[...]
-	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
-I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
-	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
-	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
-	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
-		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
-%
-	"What are you doing?"
-	"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
-that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
-period."
-%
-	"What are you watching?"
-	"I don't know."
-	"Well, what's happening?"
-	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something
-terrible."
-	"Why are you watching it?"
-	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art
-flow over you."
-		-- The Big Chill
-%
-	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
-fantasies?"
-	"You keep it to yourself."
-		-- Broadcast News
-%
-	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
-asked her mother.
-	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
-%
-	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
-chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
-conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
-repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
-they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
-passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
-all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
-and they remain permanent influences on your life.
-	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
-as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
-less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
-men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
-more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
-		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
-%
-	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
-didn't believe in God".
-	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
-		-- Joseph Heller
-%
-	"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
-	"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
-ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
-		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
-%
-	"What's that thing?"
-	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
-computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
-it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
-		-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
-%
-	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
-his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
-questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
-political views.
-	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
-driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
-'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
-closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
-	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
-moved farther to the left."
-		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
-	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
-When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
-to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
-roll in.
-	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
-	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
-accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
-When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
-be solved.
-	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
-"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
-the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
-	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
-might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
-%
-	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
-that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
-hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
-to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
-but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
-seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
-invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
-sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
-	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
-It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
-Rumania.
-		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
-%
-	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
-"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
-	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
-	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
-Piglet.
-	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
-%
-	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
-three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
-"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
-	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
-	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
-then.  We're trying to catch her."
-	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
-carrying a bucket of sand?"
-	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
-%
-	While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
-inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
-	Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
-you burn, madam."
-%
-	While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
-his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
-	"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
-mean?"
-	The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
-`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
-a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
-salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
-machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
-thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
-had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
-more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
-acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
-be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
-were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
-why the sea is salt."
-	"I don't get you," said the assistant.
-		-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
-%
-	Why are you doing this to me?
-	Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
-there is change.
-		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
-%
-	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
-night?" demanded the irate mother.
-"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
-	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
-movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
-	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
-	"We did."
-%
-	Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
-vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained
-unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In
-the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
--- $40,000."
-%
-	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
-Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
-buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
-	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
-	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
-	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
-and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
-"Okay. It's your wife."
-	"My wife!!"
-	"Yeah."
-	"What about her?"
-	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
-his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
-%
-	Work Hard.
-	Rock Hard.
-	Eat Hard.
-	Sleep Hard.
-	Grow Big.
-	Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
-		-- The Webb Wilder Credo
-%
-	Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
-and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
-quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
-and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
-Chips, as well as after Chips?
-%
-	"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
-mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
-	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
-bury it or else throw it into the brook."
-	"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
-do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
-long, and two mouses wide."
-	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
-how it was used...
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
-%
-	"Yo, Mike!"
-	"Yeah, Gabe?"
-	"We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah."
-	"I thought you fixed that last century!"
-	"No, no, not that.  Someone's found a security problem in the physics
-program.  They're getting energy out of nowhere."
-	"Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it's
-there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
-There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
-		-- Cold Fusion, 1989
-%
-	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
-	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
-	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.  "I
-was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
-		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
-%
-	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
-airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
-deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
-when I was young!"
-	"Why, what did she tell you?"
-	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-	"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
-any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
-fit to hear his view of things?"
-	"Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming
-you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by
-imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough,
-if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
-potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
-and you may feel free to kick his ass."
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-	"You say there are two types of people?"
-	"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
-don't."
-	"Wrong.  There are three groups:
-		Those who separate people into three groups.
-		Those who don't separate people into groups.
-		Those who can't decide."
-	"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
-two groups?"
-	"Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups."
-	"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
-	"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
-minds."
-%
-	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
-week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
-only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka,
-Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
-to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
-	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
-rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the
-fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
-soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show
-beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
-twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that
-age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
-This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
-		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
-%
-	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
-electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
-kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home electrical
-problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
-the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
-outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet.  The best way
-to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
-	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This sometimes
-means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
-that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
-caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not sure whether your house is
-possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
-actual book.  Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
-signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
-cats on the dinette table, etc.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-	"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
-	"We wound barbed wire around them."
-	"That stop him?"
-	"No, but it sure slowed him up."
-%
-	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
-the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
-of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
-	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
-old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
-enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
--- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
-back to dust.
-	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
-of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
-thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
-for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
-	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
-self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
-despair.
-	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
-grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
-you are young.
-		-- Samuel Ullman
-%
-" "
-		-- Charlie Chaplin
-
-" "
-		-- Harpo Marx
-
-" "
-		-- Marcel Marceau
-%
-      /\
-     \\ \
-  / \ \\ /
- / / \/ / //\	SUN of them wants to use you,
- \//\   \// /	SUN of them wants to be used by you,
-  / /  /\  /	SUN of them wants to abuse you,
-   /  \\ \	SUN of them wants to be abused ...
-     \ \\
-      \/
-		-- Eurythmics
-%
-                 ___          ______
-                /__/\     ___/_____/\          FrobTech, Inc.
-                \  \ \   /         /\\
-                 \  \ \_/__       /  \         "If you've got the job,
-                 _\  \ \  /\_____/___ \         we've got the frob."
-                // \__\/ /  \       /\ \
-        _______//_______/    \     / _\/______
-       /      / \       \    /    / /        /\
-    __/      /   \       \  /    / /        / _\__
-   / /      /     \_______\/    / /        / /   /\
-  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \
-  \ \      \    ___________    \ \        \ \   \  /
-   \_\      \  /          /\    \ \        \ \___\/
-      \      \/          /  \    \ \        \  /
-       \_____/          /    \    \ \________\/
-            /__________/      \    \  /
-            \   _____  \      /_____\/
-             \ /    /\  \    / \  \ \
-              /____/  \  \  /   \  \ \
-              \    \  /___\/     \  \ \
-               \____\/            \__\/
-%
-    ***
-  *******
- *********
- ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
-  *******
-    ***
-%
-* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
-%
-   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
-primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
-of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
-arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
-completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
-once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
-subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
-man.
-		-- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
-%
-===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
-will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
-updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a
-machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
-populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
-cold boot process.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
-
-The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users.  The
-Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid.  When the
-switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
-Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
-back of VMI monitors.  Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
-performance.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately,
-this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive.  In
-order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
-please communicate them by one of the following paths:
-
-	ARPA:  WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
-	UUCP:  [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
- 	Non-network sites:  Federal Express to:
-		Wastebasket
-		Room NE43-926
-		Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
-	For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
-	operators are on call 24 hours a day.  VISA/MC accepted.*
-
-* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
-  responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-CAR and CDR now return extra values.
-
-The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble
-to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
-well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to
-destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
-
-	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
-
-For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
-object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
-fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
-hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
-it cold boots the machine so often.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
-INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
-LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
-done.  Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
-Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
-
-	(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
-			,LET)))
-	`(LET ((LET ',LET))
-		,LET))
-
-This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
-3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
-This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
-Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
-confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-JCL support as alternative to system menu.
-
-In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
-we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an
-alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL
-interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360
-compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This
-window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
-such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL
-syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
-debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
-messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage
-collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
-(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
-virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC-
-QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage
-collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
-than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly
-more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
-remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
-in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable
-SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
-%
-===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================
-
-There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
-	(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
-		(PROG (V P LP)
-		(SETQ P (LOCF V))
-	L	(SETQ LP LISTS)
-		(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
-	L1	(OR LP (GO L2))
-		(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
-		(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
-		(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
-		(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
-		(GO L1)
-	L2	(%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
-		(SETQ LP (%POP))
-		(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
-		(GO L)))
-We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
-%
-****  CONVENTION REMINDER
-
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.  If you notice
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
-marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
-%
-****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
-
-For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
-Tired of being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how
-to be a little phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you're
-beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
-they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
-Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
-not to express a feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
-all?  Come to us.  We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
-great potential.
-%
-  I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
-     its situation.
-	Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He
-	loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
-	look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
-	second per second takes over.
- II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
-     intervenes suddenly.
-	Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
-	characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
-	pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
-	Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
-	stooge's surcease.
-III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
-     conforming to its perimeter.
-	Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
-	speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
-	cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
-	the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The
-	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
-		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
- 1.  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
- 2.  The Nutcracker Swede
- 3.  Santa Goes Round-The-World
- 4.  Not-So-Tiny Tim
- 5.  Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
- 6.  Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
- 7.  Crisco Kringle
- 8.  Babes in Boyland
- 9.  Santa's Magic Lap
-10.  Hot Buttered Elves
-		-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
-		   Square"
-%
-... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
-was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
-were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
-a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
-Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
-and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
-that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
-		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
-%
--- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
--- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
-	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
--- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
--- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
-	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
--- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
--- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
--- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
-	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-%
-=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
-
-To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
-course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
-offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
-afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
-to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
-there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
-%
-"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
-products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
-		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
-		   MIT Press, 1987
-%
-... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
-programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
-down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
-behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
-never when standing.
-
-Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
-know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
-know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
-hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
-electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
-An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
-the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
-touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
-astray by hunting and pecking.
-	-- from the Programming Pearls column,
-	   by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
-%
-... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
-inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
-ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
-haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
-it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
-prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
-looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
-is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
-mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
-may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
-have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
-		-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
-%
-... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
-my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
-resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.  The
-question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
-is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the existence of
-the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient.  (A
-discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
-of this article.)
-%
-"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
-objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
-public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
-public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
-parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
-are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
-the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
-other's private parts.
-		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
-%
-... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
-civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
-gain in 30 years.
-		-- Fred Brooks
-%
-... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.  The several sects
-perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
-attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
-introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
-yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
-%
-<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
-%
-... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
-"I" do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality and remembers
-words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
-He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
-them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
-Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
-knows them in the naming.
-		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
-%
-"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
-		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
-		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
-		   Security Agency.
-%
-/* Haley */
-
-	(Haley's comment.)
-%
-... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
-on lust, this would be a better world.
-		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
-**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
-
-Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
-erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
-Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
-Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
-valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
-in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
-as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
-time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
-of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
-space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
-validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
-extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
-or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
-%
-... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
-intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
-to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be
-at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
-incalculable ...
-		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
-%
->>> Internal error in fortune program:
->>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323
->>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
-%
-: is not an identifier
-%
-... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
-sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other
-words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
-superficial design flaws.
-	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
-           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
-%
-... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
-existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
-systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
-hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
-		-- Sidney Hook
-%
-... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
-found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...
-		-- John 11:43-44
-%
-"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
-What's that?  A chartreuse flamethrower?"
-		-- Opus
-%
--- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
--- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
-	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
--- Neophyte's serendipity.
--- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
-	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
--- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
-	of small, green bryophytic plant.
--- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
-	of a lucrative nature.
--- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
-	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
-%
-** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
-%
--- Neophyte's serendipity.
--- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
-	hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
--- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
-	congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
--- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
-	optimal cachinnation.
--- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
-	escalation of a lucrative nature.
--- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
-	fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
-	remain innocuous.
-%
-*** NEWS FLASH ***
-
-Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
-skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
-than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
-%
-*** NEWSFLASH ***
-	Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
-	Details at eleven!
-%
-... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
-lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
-their C programs.
-		-- Robert Firth
-%
-... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
-downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
-awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
-		-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
-		   "The History of Manned Space Flight"
-%
--- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
--- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
--- Surveillance should precede saltation.
--- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
--- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
-	lacteal fluid.
--- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
--- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
-	canine with innovative maneuvers.
--- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
--- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
-	galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
-%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
-procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
-to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
-sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
-documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
-listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
-documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
-under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
-effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
-scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
-in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
-thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
-
-It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
-in order to perform well in complex domains.  But knowledge alone is not
-sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well.  Accordingly,
-we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
-"wisdom engineering".  As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
-wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
-IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
-about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
-forth.  IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
-rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base.  IMMANUEL
-succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
-in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
-underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
-of value, and Husserl's phenomenology.  In this seminar, we will describe
-IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture.  We will also briefly
-discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
-%
--- THE BATES MOTEL --
-					... convenient
-					...      clean
-					...       cozy
-
-	Norman, knock loudly,
-	     I'm in the shower.
-
-		M.
-%
--- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
--- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
--- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
-	materials, there is conflagration.
--- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
--- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
-	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
--- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
-	optimal cachinnation.
--- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-%
-... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee.  These guys
-have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
-or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
-layers that are going to be agreed upon.
-		-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
-%
-... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
-thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
-biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
-cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
-
-	I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
-%
-... this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
-million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
-		-- The Firesign Theater
-%
-... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
-from beginning to end.
-		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
-%
- U       X
-e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
-%
-* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
-%
- VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
-      entrances; others cannot.
-	This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
-	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
-	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
-	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
-	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not
-	of science.
-VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
-	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
-	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
-	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
-	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
-	elongate, snap back, or solidify.
-  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
-	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
-	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
-	watching it happen to a duck instead.
-   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
-	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
-		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
-<< WAIT >>
-%
-... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
-observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
-years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
-descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
-do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
-flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
-things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
-established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
-to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
-cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
-into doubt.
-		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
-		   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
-%
-... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
-has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
-		-- Fred Brooks
-%
-... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
-Carrot.  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic.  They all
-piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country.  But Pa Carrot
-wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
-right into a tree.  Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
-poor Baby Carrot got broken in two.  They frantically rushed him to the
-hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
-to save Baby Carrot's life.  Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
-anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
-	After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
-barely able to walk.
-	"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
-	"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
-	Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
-"The good news first!"
-	"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
-	"And the bad news?  What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
-The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
-the eye.  "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
-his life."
-%
-!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
-%
-1:	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
-2:	An inclined plane is a slope up.
-3:	A slow pup is a lazy dog.
-
-QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
-		-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
-%
-(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
-	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
-(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
-	Wash the windows once a week.
-(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
-	coal for the day's business.
-(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
-	individual taste.
-(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
-	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
-	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
-	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
-		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
-		    Works, 1872
-%
-1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
-%
-1.  If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
-2.  If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
-3.  Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
-4.  It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
-5.  Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
-6.  Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
-7.  Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
-8.  Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
-9.  Remember:  Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
-10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
-		-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
-%
-[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
-[2] Great generals are forewarned.
-[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
-[4] Four is an even number.
-[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
-[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
-	Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
-%
-[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
-[2] Great generals are forewarned.
-[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
-[4] Four is an even number.
-[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
-[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
-	Therefore, all horses are black.
-%
-1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
-2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
-3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
-4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
-	the social ramble ain't restful.
-5. Avoid running at all times.
-6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
-		-- S. Paige, c. 1951
-%
-1 Billion dollars of budget deficit		= 1 Gramm-Rudman
-6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears	= Avocado's number
-2 pints						= 1 Cavort
-Basic unit of Laryngitis			= The Hoarsepower
-Shortest distance between two jokes		= A straight line
-6 Curses					= 1 Hexahex
-3500 Calories					= 1 Food Pound
-1 Mole						= 007 Secret Agents
-1 Mole						= 25 Cagey Bees
-1 Dog Pound					= 16 oz. of Alpo
-1000 beers served at a Twins game		= 1 Killibrew
-2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
-2000 pounds of chinese soup			= 1 Won Ton
-10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes		= 1 Microscope
-Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier	= 1 Machturtle
-8 Catfish					= 1 Octo-puss
-365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.		= 1 Lite-year
-16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone			= 1 Rod Serling
-Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies	= 1 Fig-newton
-	to 1 meter per second
-One half large intestine			= 1 Semicolon
-10 to the minus 6th power Movie			= 1 Microfilm
-1000 pains					= 1 Megahertz
-1 Word						= 1 Millipicture
-1 Sagan						= Billions & Billions
-1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety		= 1000 nail-bytes
-10 to the 12th power microphones		= 1 Megaphone
-10 to the 6th power Bicycles			= 2 megacycles
-The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship	= 1 Millihelen
-%
-1 bulls, 3 cows.
-%
-1) Everything depends.
-2) Nothing is always.
-3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-1) Never draw what you can copy.
-2) Never copy what you can trace.
-3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-1. Never give anything away for nothing.  2. Never give more than
-you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
-3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
-		-- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
-%
-1: No code table for op: ++post
-%
-1) X=Y				; Given
-2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X
-3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
-4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor
-5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term
-6) 2Y=Y				; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
-7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y
-		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
-%
-10. Not everybody looks good naked.
- 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
- 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
- 7. Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
- 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
- 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
- 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
- 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
- 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
- 1. We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
-	future generations.
-		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
- 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
- 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
- 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
-	other beers on the side.
- 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
-	"doberperson".
- 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
-	folk music on yer fave radio station.
- 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
- 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
-	toilet seat up.
- 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
-	enormous can of vegetable juice.
-10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
-%
-100 buckets of bits on the bus
-100 buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-FF buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FE buckets of bits on the bus...
-
-ad infinitum...
-%
-$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
-increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
-%
-1/2 oz. gin
-1/2 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
-3/4 oz. tequila
-1/2 oz. triple sec
-1/2 oz. orange juice
-3/4 oz. sour mix
-1/2 oz. cola
-shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
-		Long Island Iced Tea
-%
-13. ...  r-q1
-%
-17.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
-
-------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
---- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
-------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
----O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop
----X--- (9)	the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
---- --- (8)	to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
-
-Nine in the second place means:
-	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
-
-Six in the third place means:
-	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
-	Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
-%
-17th Rule of Friendship:
-
-A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
-of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
-noncancellable.
-		-- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-186,000 miles per second:
-It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
-%
-1893 The ideal brain tonic
-1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
-	soda fountains
-1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
-1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
-1906 The drink of QUALITY
-1907 Good to the last drop
-1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
-1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
-1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
-1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
-1919 It satisfies thirst
-1919 The taste is the test
-1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
-1922 Thirst knows no season
-1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
-		-- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
-1929 The high sign of refreshment
-1929 The pause that refreshes
-1930 It had to be good to get where it is
-1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
-1935 The pause that brings friends together
-1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
-1938 The best friend thirst ever had
-1939 Thirst stops here
-1942 It's the real thing
-1947 Have a Coke
-1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
-1963 Things go better with Coke
-1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
-1979 Have a Coke and a smile
-1982 Coke is it!
-		-- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
-
-2nd graffitiest: Why?
-%
-$3,000,000.
-%
-355/113 --
-	Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
-%
-3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
-and display work.  This product is called "Craft Mount".  3M suggests
-that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
-adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky."  I did not know what "aggressively
-tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
-
-		[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
-%
-3rd Law of Computing:
-	Anything that can go wr
-fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
-%
-40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.
-%
-4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
-
-You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a
-575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien
-tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the
-575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The
-Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the
-130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He
-has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until
-Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark...
-		-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
-%
-(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
-	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
-(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
-	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
-	and other good books.
-(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
-	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
-	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
-(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
-	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
-	shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
-	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
-(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
-	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
-	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
-	business permit it.
-		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
-		    Works, 1872
-%
-6 oz. orange juice
-1 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. Galliano
-		Harvey Wallbangers
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
-	Redwood Forest.
-
-7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
-	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
-90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
-The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
-%
-94% of the women in America are beautiful
-and the rest hang out around here.
-%
-99 blocks of crud on the disk,
-99 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-100 blocks of crud on the disk!
-
-100 blocks of crud on the disk,
-100 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-101 blocks of crud on the disk!
-%
-A  truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
-at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-%
-A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
-%
-A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
-who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-		-- Don Quinn
-%
-A bachelor is an unaltared male.
-%
-A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
-and a boy for ever.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
-the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
-%
-A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
-ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
-sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
-		-- Kipling
-%
-A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
-		-- Emerson
-%
-A beer delayed is a beer denied.
-%
-A beginning is the time for taking the
-most delicate care that balances are correct.
-		-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
-%
-A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
-		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
-%
-A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
-A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
-A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
-A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
-%
-A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
-a photo-safari in Africa.  As they're driving along the savannah in their
-jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
-
-The biologist: "Look!  A herd of zebras!  And there's a white zebra!
-	Fantastic!  We'll be famous!"
-The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant.  We only know
-	there's one white zebra."
-The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
-	white on one side."
-The computer scientist : "Oh, no!  A special case!"
-%
-A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
-%
-A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
-%
-A bit of talcum
-Is always walcum
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-A black cat crossing your path signifies
-that the animal is going somewhere.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
-best.  That's dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
-serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
-schools as 'standards'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
-work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
-not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
-elitist.  ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
-stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
-supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
-professionals.  Those texts are called 'reading material.'  They are the
-academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
-and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
-resource centers along the roads.
-		-- The Underground Grammarian
-%
-A bore is a man who talks so much about
-himself that you can't talk about yourself.
-%
-A bore is someone who persists in holding his
-own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
-%
-A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
-%
-A box without hinges, key, or lid,
-Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-		-- J.R. Tolkien
-%
-A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
-of turning around three times before lying down.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-		-- John Steinbeck
-%
-A budget is just a method of worrying
-before you spend money, as well as afterward.
-%
-A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
-%
-A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
-%
-A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
-hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West.  They
-drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
-found there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the sirens
-got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
-experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
-	He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens
-got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be pilot's
-friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!  Hurry!!!"
-	The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience.  I'm just a simple
-pole in a complex plane."
-%
-A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
-The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
-Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
-And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
-		-- Robert W. Service
-%
-A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
-is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
-%
-A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
-		-- Paul Valery
-%
-"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
-and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-%
-A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
-to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint.  The VWD examines him
-and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
-examine him about his recent diet.
-	"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday.  Do you think that could be
-the problem?"
-	The VWD says "Hmmmm."  (All doctors say "Hmmmm.")  "That could be.
-Tell me a bit about this missionary."
-	"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe.  He was
-walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
-him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
-	"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!")  There's your problem," smiles
-the VWD.  You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
-%
-A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
-%
-A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
-on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
-and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
-with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
-until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
-and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
-spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
-%
-A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
-does not prove anything.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
-%
-A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
-Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
-%
-A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
-had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
-various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue
-invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
-and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
-asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
-between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
-string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk
-was enlightened.
-
-From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after
-string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
-who passed it on to theirs.
-%
-A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
-time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
-evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
-the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
-the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
-much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
-	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
-The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
-after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
-to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
-silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
-go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
-	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
-the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
-%
-A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
-a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke
-with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
-in as Mr. and Mrs.
-	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
-desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
-a bill for $2500.
-	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
-only three days."
-	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
-and a half."
-%
-A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
-%
-A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not mere
-coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
-to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-		-- Thomas Ybarra
-%
-A chronic disposition to inquiry
-deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
-%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
-will approach you soon.  Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
-%
-A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
-won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
-		-- Bill Vaughan
-%
-A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
-		-- Herbert Prochnow
-%
-A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
-%
-A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
-and nobody wants to read.
-		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
-%
-A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
-%
-A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-%
-A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
-a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the
-sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
-know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
-	Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
-	valuable scientific objectivity.
-
-2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
-	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
-	gentleness and reassurance he can get.
-
-3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
-	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
-	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
-	the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
-	disability you may have experienced.
-
-5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
-	It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
-	explained in terms that you would understand.
-
-6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
-	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
-	research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
-	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
-	to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
-
-8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
-	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
-
-9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
-   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
-	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
-	sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
-
-10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
-	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
-%
-A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
-as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
-dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.
-		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
-%
-A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-		-- Milton Berle
-%
-A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
-scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
-		-- Parkinson
-%
-A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
-		-- R. Stallman
-%
-A company is known by the men it keeps.
-%
-A complex system that works is invariably
-found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
-%
-A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
-		-- Victor Hugo
-%
-[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-		-- Joseph Campbell
-%
-A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
-with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
-	-- Mitch Ratcliffe
-%
-A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
-the president one of the latest talking computers.
-Salesman:	"This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
-		and it'll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the
-		speed of light?"
-Computer:	186,000 miles per second.
-Salesman:	"Who was the first president of the United States?"
-Computer:	George Washington.
-President:	"I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
-		Where is my father?"
-Computer:	Your father is fishing in Georgia.
-President:	"Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
-		years ago!"
-Computer:	Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
-		landed a twelve pound bass.
-%
-A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
-%
-A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
-cake without ketchup and mustard.
-%
-A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
-%
-A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
-do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-A CONS is an object which cares.
-		-- Bernie Greenberg.
-%
-A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-A conservative is a man
-who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
-		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man
-with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
-		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
-%
-A couch is as good as a chair.
-%
-A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
-beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
-one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
-like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
-Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
-his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
-Game Warden finally caught up to him.
-	"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
-man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
-license.
-	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
-as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
-	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
-there, he don't have one!"
-%
-A cousin of mine once said about money,
-money is always there but the pockets change;
-it is not in the same pockets after a change,
-and that is all there is to say about money.
-		-- Gertrude Stein
-%
-A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
-in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
-each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
-and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are
-the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
-	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
-well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion
-houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four
-fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
-of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant
-complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
-ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
-this central section.
-	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
-colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In
-brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two
-hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
-%
-A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
-		-- Whitney Balliett
-%
-A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
-qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
-in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
-%
-A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
-		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
-%
-A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like night.
-%
-A dead man cannot bite.
-		-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
-%
-A debugged program is one for which you have
-not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
-		-- Jerry Ogdin
-%
-A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
-Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
-their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
-society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
-domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
-is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
-		-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
-%
-A Difficulty for Every Solution.
-		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
-%
-A diplomat is a man who can convince his
-wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
-%
-A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
-go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
-		-- Samuel Clemens
-%
-A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
-in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
-		-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
-%
-A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
-your birthday when you never look any older?"
-%
-A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Was it true," the woman
-inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
-of her life?"
-	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before
-the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
-condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
-%
-A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
-%
-A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have
-some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is
-that you only have six weeks to live."
-	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than
-that?"
-	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
-last Monday."
-%
-A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
-waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
-lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional
-courtesy," he explained.
-%
-A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
-what he meant.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
-a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
-a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
-an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
-%
-A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
-		-- Klipstein
-%
-A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
-%
-A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer
-should be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
-she deserved.
-		-- R.A. Heinlein
-%
-A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
-1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.  Wanting to help,
-the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
-"what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
-cursor."  The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
-the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
-with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
-%
-A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
-%
-A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
-m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
-alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
-running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
-m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
-takes off and disappears into the distance.
-	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
-the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
-sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
-	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
-me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
-dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
-So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
-have a drumstick."
-	"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
-	"Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
-one yet."
-%
-A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
-He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
-to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
-should be masculine or feminine.
-	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
-Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
-	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
-them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
-went on their way rather quickly.
-	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
-belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
-	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
-asked.
-	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
-masculine."
-	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
-	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
-it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
-go!'"
-
-	[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
-	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]
-%
-A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
-%
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-%
-A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
-rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
-down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
-on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
-station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
-drowned in the lake!"
-	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
-more chain than he can swim with?"
-%
-A fitter fits;				Though sinners sin
-A cutter cuts;				And thinners thin
-And an aircraft spotter spots;		And paper-blotters blot
-A baby-sitter				I've never yet
-Baby-sits --				Had letters let
-But an otter never ots.			Or seen an otter ot.
-
-A batter bats
-(Or scatters scats);
-A potting shed's for potting;
-But no one's found
-A bounder bound
-Or caught an otter otting.
-		-- Ralph Lewin
-%
-A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
-waiting for a taxi.
-	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
-	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
-%
-A fool and his honey are soon parted.
-%
-A fool and his money are soon popular.
-%
-A fool and your money are soon partners.
-%
-A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
-A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
-%
-A fool must now and then be right by chance.
-%
-A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
-of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
-%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-		-- D. Gries
-%
-A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
-%
-A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
-		-- Ruth Weston
-%
-A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-A friend in need is a pest indeed.
-%
-A friend is a present you give yourself.
-		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
-You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
-lawyers more than he hates his wife.
-%
-A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
-%
-A full belly makes a dull brain.
-		-- Ben Franklin
-
-		[and the local candy machine man.  Ed]
-%
-A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
-people's demands.
-%
-A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
-%
-A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
-His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
-%
-A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained
-that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
-assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
-They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
-each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with
-the engineer:
-
-Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
-Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
-	  blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
-	  electrical shock to the horse.
-G:	  That's very good!  But let's hear from the chemist.
-Chemist:  I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
-	  into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
-	  cannot be detected in post-race tests.
-G:	  Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before
-	  I decide what to do.  Physicist?
-
-Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
-%
-A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
-		-- Evan Esar
-		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
-%
-A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
-%
-A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence.  A girl and
-a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence.  But
-when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
-%
-A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
-A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
-But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
-		-- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
-%
-A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
-		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
-%
-A girl's best friend is her mutter.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
-it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
-%
-A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
-a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
-%
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
-The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
-had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
-firm tuft of grass.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
-the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
-rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
-the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
-penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
-uncontrollable physical phenomena.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A good man always knows his limitations.
-		-- Harry Callahan
-%
-A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
-		-- Michel de Montaigne
-%
-A good memory does not equal pale ink.
-%
-A good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone,
-all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
-		-- J. Hawes
-%
-A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
-		-- Patton
-%
-A good reputation is more valuable than money.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A good scapegoat is hard to find.
-%
-A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
-%
-A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you
-call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
-"That's dynamite, baby."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
-you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
-you about yourself.
-		-- Lisa Kirk
-%
-A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
-the table after you eat.
-%
-A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
-		-- James Beard
-%
-A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
-to take it all away.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-A grammarian's life is always intense.
-%
-A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-A great many people think they are thinking
-when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-		-- William James
-%
-A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The
-green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
-grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
-indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
-bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
-with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor
-of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
-upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
-store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several
-of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
-properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of
-anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
-geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
-		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
-%
-A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
-are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
-not going to church on Sunday.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
-		-- Carolyn Wells
-%
-A guy has to get fresh once in a while
-so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
-%
-A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
-%
-A halted retreat
-Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
-To retain people as men -- and maidservants
-Brings good fortune.
-%
-A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
-%
-A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
-%
-A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
-%
-A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
-weight in other people's patience.
-		-- John Updike
-%
-A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
-
-If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
-a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
-photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
-you use?
-
-	-- Paul Harvey
-%
-A Hen Brooding Kittens
-	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
-a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
-kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
-says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
-she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young
-felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
-her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
-%
-A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
-%
-A holding company is a thing where you hand
-an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
-%
-A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
-	"Hello?" his friend answers.
-	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
-	"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
-for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
-studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
-series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
-I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
-	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
-%
-A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
-%
-"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
-The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you
-talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'
--- So I hit him."
-		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
-%
-A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
-%
-A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
-Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
-		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
-%
-A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
-		-- Don Marquis
-%
-A hypothetical paradox:
-	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
-who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
-Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-		-- Tom Galloway
-%
-A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
-C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
-E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
-G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
-I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
-K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
-M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
-O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
-Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
-S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
-U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
-W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
-Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
-		-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
-%
-A is for Apple.
-		-- Hester Pryne
-%
-A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
-B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
-C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
-D is for dd, the command that does all.
-E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
-F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
-G is for grep, a clever detective, while
-H is for halt, which may seem defective.
-I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
-J is for join, which nobody uses.
-K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
-L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
-M is for more, from which less was begot, and
-N is for nice, which it really is not.
-O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
-P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
-Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
-R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
-S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
-T is for true, which does very little.
-U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
-V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
-W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
-X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
-Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
-Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-	-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
-%
-A joint is just tea for two.
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
-Earthen vessels
-Simply handed in through the window.
-There is certainly no blame in this.
-%
-A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
-good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
-%
-A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
-%
-A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
-		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
-%
-A king's castle is his home.
-%
-A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
-for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
-words are superfluous.
-%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
-A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
-		-- Lillian Day
-%
-A lady with one of her ears applied
-To an open keyhole heard, inside,
-Two female gossips in converse free --
-The subject engaging them was she.
-"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
-That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
-As soon as no more of it she could hear
-The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
-"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
-"To hear my character lied about!"
-		-- Gopete Sherany
-%
-A language that doesn't affect the way you
-think about programming is not worth knowing.
-%
-A language that doesn't have everything is
-actually easier to program in than some that do.
-		-- D.M. Ritchie
-%
-A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
-the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
-and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
-line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
-do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
-	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
-there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
-110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
-third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
-	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
-this here corn liquor?"
-	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
-	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
-"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
-	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
-a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
-	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
-with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
-smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
-want killed?"
-%
-A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
-That is, they work by being declared to work.
-		-- Anatol Holt
-%
-A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
-Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
-him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
-quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
-above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
-"Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
-where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
-So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
-flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
-"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don't be
-silly," said the fly, "they're dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck
-to the flypaper with all the other flies.
-
-Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
-		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
-%
-A Law of Computer Programming:
-	Make it possible for programmers to write in English
-	and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
-%
-A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
-		-- Willis Player
-%
-A liberal is someone too poor to be a
-capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
-%
-A lie in time saves nine.
-%
-A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
-trouble.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
-%
-A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
-%
-A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-A LISP programmer knows the value of
-everything, but the cost of nothing.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
-		-- Don Knuth
-%
-A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
-%
-A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
-		-- C.E. Ayres
-%
-A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-		-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
-%
-A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
-right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you
-know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
-little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
-then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
-%
-A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
-have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
-those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
-the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
-APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
-with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-		-- Fred Brooks
-%
-A little word of doubtful number,
-A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
-If you add an "s" to this,
-Great is the metamorphosis.
-Plural is plural now no more,
-And sweet what bitter was before.
-What am I?
-%
-A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
-%
-A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
-%
-A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
-Buy the negatives at any price.
-%
-A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
-%
-A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
-		-- Steve Wright
-%
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
-and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
-		-- Lew Col
-%
-A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-		-- Thomas Hardy
-%
-A major, with wonderful force,
-Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
-	All the flowers looked round,
-	But no horse could be found;
-So he just rhododendron, of course.
-%
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-		-- Carrie Snow
-%
-A man always needs to remember one thing about
-a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
-%
-A man always remembers his first love with special
-tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
-		-- Mencken
-%
-A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
-who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
-lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
-you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
-her again.  Okay?"
-	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
-on the side to make it interesting?"
-%
-A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After
-that it's cheating.
-		-- Yves Montand
-%
-A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
-or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
-		-- Du Bois
-%
-A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
-By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it.  As he
-was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
-	"Is anybody there?"
-A deep majestic voice answered,
-	"Yes my son, I am here.  What do you need?"
-	"Help me!!" cried the man.
-	"I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
-you'll be safe.  All you have to do is trust."
-The man thought for a moment and cried out:
-	"Anybody ELSE up there?"
-%
-A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
-in the road.
-		-- Alexander Smith
-%
-A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
-next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
-Polish."
-	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
-Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
-	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
-with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
-the joke.
-	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
-	"Nah," says the man.
-	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
-man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
-	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
-five times."
-%
-A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
-		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
-%
-A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
-man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
-whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
-water..."
-	"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
-with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
-	"Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
-	"They're only four dollars apiece."
-	"I need *water*."
-	"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
-	"Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
-	"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
-and he heads off into the distance.
-	The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
-Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
-sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
-staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
-	"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
-	"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
-%
-A man is known by the company he organizes.
-		-- A. Bierce
-%
-A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
-He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
-		-- Richard Thompson
-%
-A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
-longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
-followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
-other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
-no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
-	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
-but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
-the funeral for?"
-	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
-attacked and killed her."
-	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
-don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
-	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
-%
-A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
-antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
-from around here, are you?"
-	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
-	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
-either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
-	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
-	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
-there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
-	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
-	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
-big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
-Martians have that?"
-	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
-%
-A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
-bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
-but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
-%
-A man may well bring a horse to the water,
-but he cannot make him drink with he will.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-A man of genius makes no mistakes.
-His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
-%
-A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
-%
-A man said to the Universe:
-	"Sir, I exist!"
-	"However," replied the Universe,
-	"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-		-- Stephen Crane
-%
-A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
-some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
-he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
-might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
-her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
-her aid.
-	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
-by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
-in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
-	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
-	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
-just want to get my saddle back!"
-%
-A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
-he is able to answer.
-		-- Ronald Colman
-%
-A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
-late card games.
-	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
-he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
-into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
-tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
-wakes up and gives me hell."
-	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
-	"You do?"
-	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
-stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
-`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
-	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
-	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
-she's asleep."
-%
-A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
-	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
-why did you Di......eeee"
-The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
-	"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
-carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
-	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
-why....eeeee did you.."
-	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
-Tell, me who is buried here?"
-	"My wife's first husband."
-%
-A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
-		-- Soren Kierkegaard
-%
-A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
-in no other way.
-%
-A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
-will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
-%
-A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
-find a girl willing to listen to him.
-%
-A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
-%
-A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
-%
-A man with one watch knows what time it is.
-A man with two watches is never quite sure.
-%
-A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
-%
-A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
-destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
-turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
-would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
-		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
-%
-A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
-%
-A man's best friend is his dogma.
-%
-A man's gotta know his limitations.
-		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
-%
-A man's house is his castle.
-		-- Sir Edward Coke
-%
-A man's house is his hassle.
-%
-A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
-	"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
-	"Why do I not see it for myself?"
-	"Because you are thinking of yourself."
-	"What about you: do you see it?"
-	"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
-on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
-	"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
-	"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
-who is the one that wants to see it?"
-%
-A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
-observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As
-they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
-	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
-yet save her!!"
-	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
-understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
-from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
-6 feet high."
-	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
-%
-A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
-		-- P. Erdos
-%
-A meeting is an event at which the
-minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
-%
-A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
-but to protect the writer.
-		-- Dean Acheson
-%
-A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
-and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
-		-- Leibniz
-%
-A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
-on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
-game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
-pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
-along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
-heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
-around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
-direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
-paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
-colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
-fall over gently onto their backs.
-		-- Audobon Society Magazine
-%
-A mighty creature is the germ,
-Though smaller than the pachyderm.
-His customary dwelling place
-Is deep within the human race.
-His childish pride he often pleases
-By giving people strange diseases.
-Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
-You probably contain a germ.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
-%
-A modem is a baudy house.
-%
-A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
-is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
-		-- Goldsmith
-%
-A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
-many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
-the police.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
-A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
-floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
-its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
-terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
-Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
-	Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
-children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
-and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
-proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
-	As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
-you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
-purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
-language?"
-%
-A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
-and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
-		-- Frost
-%
-A motion to adjourn is always in order.
-%
-A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
-%
-A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
-%
-A musician, an artist, an architect:
-	the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
-		-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
-%
-A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
-%
-A national debt, if it is not excessive,
-will be to us a national blessing.
-		-- Alexander Hamilton
-%
-A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on
-loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
-the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe,"
-asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
-%
-A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
-discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
-still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
-same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
-3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
-	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
-ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
-%
-A new koan:
-	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
-	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
-It is an ice cream koan.
-%
-A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
-Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
-now has no excuse for further procrastination.
-%
-A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
-had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
-come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust
-the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
-in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-A New Way of Taking Pills
-	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
-having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
-small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
-will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
-%
-A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
-on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
-over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
-As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
-from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
-"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
-you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
-	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
-	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
-	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
-to his death.
-	"DUMB YANKEE."
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
-A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
-		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
-%
-A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
-passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
-documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
-one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
-	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
-gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
-crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
-need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
-He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
-within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly,
-he has entered the mystery of Tao."
-%
-A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
-
-"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
-
-The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
-relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes
-before replying.
-
-"I don't see why not.  It's got bloody well everything else."
-
-With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly achieved
-enlightenment, several years later.
-
-Commentary:
-
-His Master is kind,
-Answering his FAQ quickly,
-With thought and sarcasm.
-%
-A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
-%
-A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
-		-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
-%
-A Parable of Modern Research:
-
-	Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
-brightly lit corner.
-	"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
-	"I can only see here."
-%
-A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
-		-- William S. Burroughs
-%
-A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-%
-A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
-%
-"A penny for your thoughts?"
-"A dollar for your death."
-		-- The Odd Couple
-%
-A penny saved has not been spent.
-%
-A penny saved is a penny taxed.
-%
-A penny saved is ridiculous.
-%
-A penny saved kills your career in government.
-%
-A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
-govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures
-on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins
-itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
-manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
-who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
-speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
-unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-		-- Thackeray
-%
-A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
-%
-A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly
-in the air can be safely called a liberal.
-%
-A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
-A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
-%
-A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
-schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
-		-- Donald Knuth
-%
-A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
-		-- George Wald
-%
-A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
-gets out and goes into the office.
-	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
-	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
-	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
-check."
-	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
-truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
-acceptable.
-	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
-	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
-check," he says.
-	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
-conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
-"we're building a house".
-%
-A pig is a jolly companion,
-Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
-Though mountains may topple and tilt.
-When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
-When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
-Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig!
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-A pipe gives a wise man time to think
-and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
-%
-A place for everything and everything in its place.
-		-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to memory management system services.]
-%
-A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
-		-- Stanley Baldwin
-%
-A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
-contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
-edible nutriments.
-%
-A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
-%
-A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
-%
-A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck.  He has heard
-about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
-money if the bank collapsed.  "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
-finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
-	"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
-the teller says.
-	"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
-to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
-	"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
-	"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
-paycheck?"
-		-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
-%
-A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
-but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
-		-- Jean Paul Sartre
-%
-A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
-%
-A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
-Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
-But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
-		-- K. Brecher
-%
-A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
-last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
-of yours to press against my heart.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
-%
-A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
-Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
-%
-A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
-
-	And the Master answered:
-	It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
-It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
-
-	It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
-to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
-have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
-
-	And that is Fate?  said the priest.
-
-	Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
-
-	That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
-what Freight was too.
-		-- Kehlog Albran
-%
-A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
-		-- George Eliot
-%
-A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
-asks you not to kill him.
-		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
-%
-A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
-%
-A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
-being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
-incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
-assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
-and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
-dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
-annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
-unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
-		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
-%
-A programming language is low level
-when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
-%
-A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
-drink with -- even if he drank.
-		-- Mencken
-%
-A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
-watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
-looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
-tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
-they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
-by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
-killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
-could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
-emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
-the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
-%
-A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
-getting more sex than you are.
-		-- Victor Lownes
-%
-A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
-by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
-	-- Aristotle
-%
-A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
-your wife asks you for nothing.
-		-- Joey Adams
-%
-A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
-your wife will give you for free.
-%
-A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
-"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
-the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
-to make a travesty of the game.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
-over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
-	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
-Bishop."
-	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
-	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
-might be made an Archbishop."
-	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
-	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
-	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
-	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
-be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
-	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
-up from being the Pope?"
-	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
-	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
-%
-A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results
-blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-		-- Steel City News
-%
-A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
-entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-		-- Saul Alinsky
-%
-A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
-his neighbour notice it.
-		-- Trygve Lie
-%
-A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
-commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
-	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
-the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
-field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
-room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
-beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
-	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
-looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
-obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
-%
-A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
-A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
-%
-A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
-		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
-%
-A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
-ticket and rejoices that the system works.
-%
-A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
-objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
-scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
-needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
-%
-A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
-people what to do with their money.
-		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
-%
-A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-		-- Ramsey Clark
-%
-A robin redbreast in a cage
-Puts all Heaven in a rage.
-		-- Blake
-%
-A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
-man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
-%
-A rolling stone gathers momentum.
-%
-A rolling stone gathers no moss.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
-demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?"
-holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
-Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
-weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
-banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
-The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
-the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
-is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
-monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
-plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
-weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
-the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
-she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
-will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
-as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
-was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
-when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?
-%
-A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
-PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
-Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
-with Rose she's forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to
-joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
-drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
-up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
-good in beds; better up against a wall.'  I want to tell you that's not
-true.  I'm very good in beds as well."
-%
-A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
-If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
-%
-A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
-%
-A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
-Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
-		-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
-
-I don't know what it's about.  I'm just the drummer.  Ask Peter.
-		-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
-		   the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
-		   on Broadway".
-%
-A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
-vocation?"
-	The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
-their minds.  Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands.  This is
-the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily,
-such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for
-their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of
-the vocation must fit the individual.
-	"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
-scholar sobbed.
-	Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
-%
-A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
-making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
-die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
-		-- Max Planck
-%
-A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
-the vexation of thinking.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
-%
-A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
-of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
-water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
-of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
-
-It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
-recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
-ground.
-		-- J.W.N. Sullivan
-%
-A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
-him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
-worth committing.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
-		-- Don Marquis
-%
-A Severe Strain on the Credulity
-	As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
-highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
-is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
-multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
-for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
-flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
-charges it then might have left.  Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
-Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
-know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
-better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
-lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
-%
-A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
-thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
-problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
-aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
-away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
-participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
-will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
-men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
-idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
-the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
-submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
-is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
-		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
-%
-A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
-		-- Prof. Steiner
-%
-A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
-All tenderly his messenger he chose;
-Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
-One perfect rose.
-
-I knew the language of the floweret;
-"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
-Love long has taken for his amulet
-One perfect rose.
-
-Why is it no one ever sent me yet
-One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
-Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
-One perfect rose.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
-%
-A sinking ship gathers no moss.
-		-- Donald Kaul
-%
-A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
-%
-A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
-%
-A snake lurks in the grass.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
-African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
-Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
-%
-A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
-the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
-which is on its way out.
-		-- L. Ron Hubbard
-%
-A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
-		-- Proverbs 15:1
-%
-A soft drink turneth away company.
-%
-A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
-that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-A song in time is worth a dime.
-%
-A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
-family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.  He's only been there a few weeks
-when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
-and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it.  The boy calls his folks:
-	"How are you?" they ask.
-	"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
-	"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
-	"Well, he's kind of depressed.  You see, there's this lady up here
-that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
-he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk.  She charges a thousand
-dollars."
-	The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
-Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation.  The boy leaves Ol' Blue
-at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents.  Sure
-enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
-"Where's Old Blue?"
-	"Well, Pa," says the boy.  "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
-talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm.  Old Blue,
-well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
-that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
-years?'"
-	The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
-%
-A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
-%
-A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
-probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
-the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
-Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
-%
-A stitch in time saves nine.
-%
-"...A strange enigma is man!"
-"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
-	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
-that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
-becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
-any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
-will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
-the statistician."
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
-%
-A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-%
-A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-		-- O'Henry
-%
-A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
-As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it true", asked the
-student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?"  Almost before
-the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
-the student with a stick.
-%
-A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
-%
-A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
-%
-A successful tool is one that was used to do something
-undreamed of by its author.
-		-- S.C. Johnson
-%
-A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
-thought of.
-		-- Burt Bacharach
-%
-A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-	-- by Charles Dickens
-
-	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
-
-The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-	-- by Franz Kafka
-
-	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
-
-Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
-
-	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
-
-Hamlet LITE(tm)
-	-- by Wm. Shakespeare
-
-	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
-	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
-%
-A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-	-- by Charles Dickens
-
-	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
-	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
-	lady who knits.
-
-Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
-	-- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
-
-	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
-	feels guilty and apologizes.
-
-The Odyssey LITE(tm)
-	-- by Homer
-
-	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
-%
-A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
-%
-A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
-		-- Michael Winner, British film director
-%
-A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
-of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
-*Boston*."
-	"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
-	"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan.  "Isn't he the guy who ran for
-help?"
-%
-A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
-%
-A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
-but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-A transistor protected by a fast-acting
-fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
-%
-A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
-wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
-Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
-sitting in the yard watching the pig.
-	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
-	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
-was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
-pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
-	"Amazing!"  the salesman exclaimed.
-	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
-the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.
-That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
-Saved my life."
-	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
-three wooden legs?"
-	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you
-got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
-%
-A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
-drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
-		-- Shaw
-%
-A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A truth that's told with bad intent
-Beats all the lies you can invent.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-A university is what a college becomes
-when the faculty loses interest in students.
-		-- John Ciardi
-%
-A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
-than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
-		-- Tennessee Williams
-%
-A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-A violent man will die a violent death.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
-%
-A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
-%
-A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
-%
-A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-		-- Ziggy
-%
-A watched clock never boils.
-%
-A well adjusted person is one who makes
-the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
-%
-A well-known friend is a treasure.
-%
-A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
-A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
-Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
-Software rots if not used.
-
-These are great mysteries.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-		-- Addison
-%
-A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
-*for the rest of your life*.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-A wise man can see more from a mountain top
-than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
-%
-A wise man can see more from the bottom
-of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
-%
-A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-A witty saying proves nothing.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
-let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that
-there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
-completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of
-beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
-It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
-near your person at all times.
-		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
-%
-A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
-were quite a struggle.
-		-- Edna Ferber
-%
-A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
-%
-A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
-To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
-		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
-%
-A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-		-- Scott
-%
-A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
-of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
-		-- Jane Austen
-%
-A woman forgives the audacity of which
-her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-		-- LeSage
-%
-A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
-thankful for a good one.
-		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
-%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
-she follows.
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
-endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
-over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
-pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
-physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
-when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
-		-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
-%
-A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
-		-- Maurine Lewis
-%
-A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
-came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
-	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
-	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
-(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
-	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
-one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
-a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
-the circumstances.
-	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
-phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
-an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
-his head!"
-	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
-up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
-surprise for you!"
-	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
-%
-A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
-%
-A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
-%
-A word to the wise is enough.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
-that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
-watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
-myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
-and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
-"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
-to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
-%
-A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
-what he writes fiction.
-		-- William Faulkner
-%
-A yawn is a silent shout.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
-%
-A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
-bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
-%
-A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
-a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I'd sure love to
-have that!" she gushed.
-	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
-window and grabbing the ring.
-	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What
-I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
-	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
-the coat.
-	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I'd do
-anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
-	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
-%
-A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
-walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous
-woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
-says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you'll
-allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
-	The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
-pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
-	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
-	"No, really.  You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
-I could never spend it all.  I'd really like for you to have it."
-	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
-calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks
-at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I'm afraid I
-can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
-	"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
-of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
-	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
-The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
-you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
-	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a
-terrific weekend."
-%
-A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
-
-Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
-   suggestions as to how to get started?"
-A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
-   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
-Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
-A: "But I never asked anybody how."
-%
-A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
-%
-AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
-You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
-%
-Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
-%
-Abbott's Admonitions:
-	1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
-	2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
-		the question.
-		-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
-%
-Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
-on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
-%
-Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
-Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
-And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
-Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
-An angel writing in a book of gold.
-Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
-And to the presence in the room he said,
-"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,
-And with a look made of all sweet accord,
-Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
-"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
-Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,
-But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
-Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
-The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night
-It came again with a great wakening light,
-And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
-And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
-		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
-%
-About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
-%
-About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
-%
-About the only thing we have left that actually
-discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
-%
-About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-		-- Herbert Hoover
-%
-About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
-ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Above all else - sky.
-%
-Above all things, reverence yourself.
-%
-Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.
-%
-ABSCOND:
-	To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
-	of a dying relative and miss the return train.
-%
-abscond, v:
-	To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
-	and miss the return train.
-%
-Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
-great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Absence in love is like water upon fire;
-a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
-		-- Hannah More
-%
-Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small,
-it enkindles the great.
-%
-Absence makes the heart forget.
-%
-Absence makes the heart go wander.
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
-		-- Sextus Aurelius
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
-%
-ABSENT:
-	Exposed to the attacks of friends and
-	acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
-%
-ABSENTEE:
-	A person with an income who has had the forethought
-	to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
-%
-Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
-%
-Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
-		-- Stafford Beer
-%
-ABSTAINER:
-	A weak person who yields to the
-	temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-%
-Abstract:
-	This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
-of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
-and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar
-men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
-their neck circumference.  The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
-evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test.  Results of the CFF
-test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
-performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
-immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
-		-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
-		   Neck in Relation to Visual Performance."  Human Factors 29,
-		   #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
-%
-ABSURDITY:
-	A statement or belief manifestly
-	inconsistent with one's own opinion.
-%
-Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
-because the stakes are so low.
-		-- Wallace Sayre
-%
-Academicians care, that's who.
-%
-ACADEMY:
-	A modern school where football is taught.
-INSTITUTE:
-	An archaic school where football is not taught.
-%
-Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
-%
-Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
-%
-ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
-	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
-%
-Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion.  Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
-of Western science.
-		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
-%
-Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
-Western science.
-		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
-%
-Accident:
-	A condition in which presence of mind is good,
-	but absence of body is better.
-		-- Foolish Dictionary
-%
-Accidentally Shot
-	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
-in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
-bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
-Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
-%
-Accidents cause History.
-
-If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
-Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
-have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
-could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
-the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
-everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
-national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
-smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
-most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
-that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
-Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
-parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
-decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
-a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
-sheepish grin" comes from.
-%
-According to all the latest reports,
-there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
-%
-According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
-shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
-fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
-of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
-the returns."
-%
-According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
-and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms
-and a void.
-		-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
-%
-According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
-		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
-%
-According to the latest official figures,
-43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
-%
-According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
-America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
-Here in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could
-beat up their city anytime.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-ACCORDION:
-	A bagpipe with pleats.
-%
-ACCURACY:
-	The vice of being right.
-%
-Acid -- better living through chemistry.
-%
-Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
-%
-Acquaintance, n:
-	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
-	enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the
-	object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
-%
-Acting is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh
-and cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh,
-well, I think of my sex life.
-		-- Glenda Jackson
-%
-Actor			Real Name
-
-Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt
-Cary Grant		Archibald Leach
-Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg
-Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman
-John Wayne		Marion Morrison
-Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch
-Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr.
-Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye
-Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg
-%
-Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
-Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
-	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
-		-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
-		New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
-%
-Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
-%
-Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
-will be going in the right direction.  Proof by induction:
-
-N=1.	Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
-	only have one floor to go to.
-
-Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
-	If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
-	induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
-	and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
-	it is true for all N+1 floors.
-QED.
-%
-Ad astra per aspera.  (To the stars by aspiration.)
-%
-ADA:
-	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
-	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
-	an ADA awareness.
-		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-ADA:
-	Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
-	Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
-%
-ADA, n.:
-	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
-Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
-awareness."
-%
-Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
-[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
-		-- Ovid
-%
-Adding features does not necessarily increase
-functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
-%
-Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
-
-Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
-close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
-scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
-		-- George Washington, 1732-1799
-%
-Adding sound to movies would be like
-putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
-		-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
-%
-Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
-something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
-decorous age.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Adler's Distinction:
-	Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
-	and from the bureaucrats.
-%
-ADMIRATION:
-	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-%
-ADOLESCENCE:
-	The stage between puberty and adultery.
-%
-ADORE:
-	To venerate expectantly.
-%
-ADULT:
-	One old enough to know better.
-%
-Adults die young.
-%
-Advancement in position.
-%
-Advertisements contain the only
-truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
-		-- George Orwell
-%
-Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
-intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-%
-Advertising Rule:
-	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
-	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
-	that it is curable.
-%
-Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
-%
-Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
-%
-African violet:		Such worth is rare
-Apple blossom:		Preference
-Bachelor's button:	Celibacy
-Bay leaf:		I change but in death
-Camelia:		Reflected loveliness
-Chrysanthemum, red:	I love
-Chrysanthemum, white:	Truth
-Chrysanthemum, other:	Slighted love
-Clover:			Be mine
-Crocus:			Abuse not
-Daffodil:		Innocence
-Forget-me-not:		True love
-Fuchsia:		Fast
-Gardenia:		Secret, untold love
-Honeysuckle:		Bonds of love
-Ivy:			Friendship, fidelity, marriage
-Jasmine:		Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
-Leaves (dead):		Melancholy
-Lilac:			Youthful innocence
-Lilly:			Purity, sweetness
-Lilly of the valley:	Return of happiness
-Magnolia:		Dignity, perseverance
-	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
-%
-After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
-comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
-except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything
-is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union,
-under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
-permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
-especially that which is prohibited.
-		-- Newton Minow,
-		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
-%
-After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
-It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
-more advanced than the lichen family.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
-%
-After a while you learn the subtle difference
-Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
-And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
-And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
-And presents aren't promises
-And you begin to accept your defeats
-With your head up and your eyes open,
-With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
-And you learn to build all your roads
-On today because tomorrow's ground
-Is too uncertain.  And futures have
-A way of falling down in midflight,
-After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
-So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
-For someone to bring you flowers.
-And you learn that you really can endure...
-That you really are strong,
-And you really do have worth
-And you learn and learn
-With every goodbye you learn.
-		-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
-%
-After all, all he did was string together
-a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
-%
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-%
-After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux
-%
-After all my erstwhile dear,
-My no longer cherished,
-Need we say it was not love,
-Just because it perished?
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for
-you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
-sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-After an instrument has been assembled,
-extra components will be found on the bench.
-%
-After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
-month than you did before.
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
-have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
-James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
-electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
-is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
-of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
-though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
-Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
-medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
-seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
-watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
-		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
-	"This is true," He replied.
-	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
-	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
-	"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
-his own."
-	It was so granted.
-%
-After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
-claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
-in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
-bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
-judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
-	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
-Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
-this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
-take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
-perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
-	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
-Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
-where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
-%
-After living in New York, you trust nobody,
-but you believe everything.  Just in case.
-%
-...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
-Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
-I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
-and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
-Russians might beat the Americans into orbit.  "I wouldn't care if they
-did," he responded.  (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
-development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
-one foot in his mouth.)
-		-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
-%
-After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
-		-- Italian proverb
-%
-After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
-by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
-with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
-carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
-		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
-%
-After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
-cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
-%
-After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
-throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments.  Harvey
-Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
-at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
-his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
-with Millikan.  Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
-that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
-Physics Today, June 1982, page 43.  In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
-first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
-single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
-According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
-the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
-charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
-		-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
-
-Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
-precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
-Nobel Prize in 1923.
-%
-After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
-the man who said, "No news is good news."  In twenty-eight papers, only
-the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
-any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried
-deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...")  page...
-
-The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
-Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
-But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
-or so that says something like:  "When he finished his speech, Muskie
-burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
-neck.  They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
-oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
-
-Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and
-straight to the point.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
-indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
-%
-After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
-%
-AFTERNOON:
-	That part of the day we spend worrying
-	about how we wasted the morning.
-%
-Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
-%
-Against Idleness and Mischief
-
-How doth the little busy bee		How skillfully she builds her cell!
-Improve each shining hour,		How neat she spreads the wax!
-And gather honey all the day		And labours hard to store it well
-From every opening flower!		With the sweet food she makes.
-
-In works of labour or of skill		In books, or work, or healthful play,
-I would be busy too;			Let my first years be passed,
-For Satan finds some mischief still	That I may give for every day
-For idle hands to do.			Some good account at last.
-		-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
-%
-Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
-		-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
-%
-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
-%
-Age is a tyrant who forbids,
-at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
-%
-Agnes' Law:
-	Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
-%
-Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
-%
-Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
-Or what's a heaven for ?
-		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
-%
-Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
-"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
-And I answer them most mysteriously:
-"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
-%
-Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
-%
-Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
-%
-Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It
-excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
-%
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
-%
-Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
-		-- W. Clement Stone
-%
-Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
-		-- The Mad Dogtender
-%
-Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
-bring me a message from a young man.
-		-- Moms Mabley
-%
-"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to
-Kansas City."
-		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
-		   been traded.
-%
-AIR:
-	A nutritious substance supplied by
-	a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Air Force Inertia Axiom:
-	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
-%
-Air is water with holes in it.
-%
-Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
-%
-Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
-	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
-	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre
-%
-Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.
-		-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
-%
-Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
-machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
-as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
-%
-Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
-		-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
-%
-ALASKA:
-	A prelude to "No."
-%
-Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
-or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
-a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
-Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-ALBRECHT'S LAW:
-	Social innovations tend to the level
-	of minimum tolerable well-being.
-%
-Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
-The surest poison is time.
-		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
-%
-Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Alden's Laws:
-	1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
-	   of pregnancy.
-	2: Always be backlit.
-	3: Sit down whenever possible.
-%
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer,
-You take one down, and pass it around,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
-%
-Alex Haley was adopted!
-%
-Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
-in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
-%
-Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
-the closest our country has ever been to being even.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
-		-- Philippe Schnoebelen
-%
-Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
-%
-Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
-important programming language yet developed.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-ALGORITHM:
-	Trendy dance for hip programmers.
-%
-Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
-%
-Alimony is a system by which, when two people
-make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
-		-- Peggy Joyce
-%
-Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
-		-- Arthur Baer
-%
-Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
-%
-Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
-%
-Alive without breath,
-As cold as death;
-Never thirsty, ever drinking,
-All in mail ever clinking.
-%
-All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
-%
-All art is but imitation of nature.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-%
-All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
-		-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
-		   Catiline", by Sallust
-%
-All constants are variables.
-%
-All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
-		-- Chou En Lai
-%
-All flesh is grass.
-		-- Isaiah
-Smoke a friend today.
-%
-All generalizations are false, including this one.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,
-barely presentable.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-All Gods were immortal.
-		-- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-		-- Young
-%
-All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
-%
-All heiresses are beautiful.
-		-- John Dryden
-%
-All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
-to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
-		-- Yoda
-%
-All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
-		-- Dante Alighieri
-%
-All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-%
-All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
-ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
-		-- Kingfish
-%
-All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
-makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
-an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-		-- Samuel Beckett
-%
-All I need to have a good time,
-Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
-With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
-A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
-
-All I want is to never grow old,
-I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
-I want 97 kilos already rolled,
-I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
-
-I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
-I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
-I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-		-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
-%
-All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-All intelligent species own cats.
-%
-All is fear in love and war.
-%
-All is well that ends well.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
-throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be
-practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie
-Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
-that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
-that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That's probably my best shot.
-%
-All kings is mostly rapscallions.
-		--Mark Twain
-%
-All laws are simulations of reality.
-		-- John C. Lilly
-%
-All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
-		-- Dawkins
-%
-All men have the right to wait in line.
-%
-All men know the utility of useful things;
-but they do not know the utility of futility.
-		-- Chuang-tzu
-%
-All men profess honesty as long as they can.
-To believe all men honest would be folly.
-To believe none so is something worse.
-		-- John Quincy Adams
-%
-All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
-a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
-Definitely a dog.
-%
-All most people ask of life is a constant
-and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
-%
-All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
-%
-All my friends and I are crazy.
-That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
-%
-All my friends are getting married,
-Yes, they're all growing old,
-They're all staying home on the weekend,
-They're all doing what they're told.
-%
-All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
-		-- Jane Wagner
-%
-ALL NEW:
-	Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
-%
-All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
-the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
-%
-All of the animals except man know that
-the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
-%
-All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
-synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to
-rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all
-of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
-Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
-tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
-"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
-		-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
-%
-All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the
-parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you
-can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do
-not use a hammer.
-		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
-%
-All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-All phone calls are obscene.
-		-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
-%
-All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
-		-- Susan Sontag
-%
-All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
-those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds
-of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
-goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
-and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works,
-the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
-the last bug."
-		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
-%
-All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
-to live beyond its income.
-		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
-%
-All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-All seems condemned in the long run
-to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
-		-- James Martin
-%
-All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
-		-- Saint Patrick
-%
-All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
-%
-All that glitters has a high refractive index.
-%
-All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
-%
-All that is gold does not glitter,
-Not all those who wander are lost;
-The old that is strong does not wither,
-Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
-From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
-A light from the shadows shall spring;
-Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
-The crownless again shall be king.
-	        -- J.R.R. Tolkien
-%
-All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
-provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
-to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
-the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.  Supreme Court Chief
-Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
-going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-All the evidence concerning the universe
-has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
-%
-All the lines have been written		There's been Sandburg,
-It's sad but it's true			Keats, Poe and McKuen
-With all the words gone,		They all had their day
-What's a young poet to do?		And knew what they're doin'
-
-But of all the words written		The bird is a strange one,
-And all the lines read,			So small and so tender
-There's one I like most,		Its breed still unknown,
-And by a bird it was said!		Not to mention its gender.
-
-It reminds me of days of		So what is this line
-Both gloom and of light.		Whose author's unknown
-It still lifts my spirits		And still makes me giggle
-And starts the day right.		Even now that I'm grown?
-
-I've read all the greats
-Both starving and fat,
-But none was as great as
-"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
-		-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
-%
-All the men on my staff can type.
-		-- Bella Abzug
-%
-...all the modern inconveniences...
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
-		-- Grant Wood
-%
-All the simple programs have been written.
-%
-All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
-%
-All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
-		-- Sean O'Casey
-%
-All the world's a VAX,
-And all the coders merely butchers;
-They have their exits and their entrails;
-And one int in his time plays many widths,
-His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
-Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
-And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
-And shining morning face, creeping like slug
-Unwillingly to school.
-		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
-%
-All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
-%
-All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
-%
-All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
-%
-All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
-it's for fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
-		-- Henry Tyroon
-%
-All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
-%
-All warranty and guarantee clauses
-become null and void upon payment of invoice.
-%
-All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
-other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
-This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
-our lives."
-		-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
-%
-All who joy would win Must share it --
-Happiness was born a twin.
-		-- Lord Byron
-%
-All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.
-%
-Allen's Axiom:
-	When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-Alliance, n:
-	In international politics, the union of two thieves who
-	have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
-	that they cannot safely plunder a third.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-All's well that ends.
-%
-Almost anything derogatory you could say
-about today's software design would be accurate.
-		-- K.E. Iverson
-%
-ALONE:
-	In bad company.
-%
-Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had
-to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
-%
-alta, v:	To change; make or become different; modify.
-ansa, v:	A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
-baa, n:		A place people meet to have a few drinks.
-Baaston, n:	The capital of Massachusetts.
-baaba, n:	One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
-beea, n:	An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
-			found in baas.
-caaa, n:	An automobile.
-centa, n:	A point around which something revolves; axis.  (Or
-			someone involved with the Knicks.)
-chouda, n:	A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
-dada, n:	Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
-			computation.
-		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
-buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
-Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
-reason.  He knows it because he fired the guy.
-	"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
-bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'"  Mr. O'Neil says.
-"I said, 'No.  Wrong.  Game over.  Next contestant, please.'"
-		-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
-%
-Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
-reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
-life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
-minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
-apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
-of the professional gamekeeper.  Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
-through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
-those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
-reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
-Gamekeeping."
-		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
-%
-Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
-%
-Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
-%
-Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
-%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
-		-- Jimmy Hoffa
-%
-Always store beer in a dark place.
-%
-Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-Always there remain portions of our heart
-into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
-%
-Always think of something new; this
-helps you forget your last rotten idea.
-		-- Seth Frankel
-%
-AMAZING BUT TRUE...
-	If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
-	end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
-%
-AMAZING BUT TRUE...
-	There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
-	were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-%
-AMBIDEXTROUS:
-	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-%
-AMBIGUITY:
-	Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
-%
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-		-- Charlie McCarthy
-%
-Ambition, n:
-	An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
-	living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-America: born free and taxed to death.
-%
-America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
-		-- Allen Ginsberg
-%
-America is a melting pot.  You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
-and the scum rises to the top.
-		-- Utah Phillips
-%
-America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
-		 -- President John F. Kennedy
-
-The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
-be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
-living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
-Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
-		 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
-
-The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
-from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
-to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
-Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
-of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
-by the majority they were at the time.
-		-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-America is the country where you buy a lifetime
-supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
-%
-America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
-from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
-		-- John O'Hara
-%
-America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
-people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
-name to "America".
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
-%
-American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
-be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who
-are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
-and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
-%
-American cars are made shoddily...
-Cars made overseas are far superior.
-		-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
-%
-[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
-we allow them short of hanging.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-
-America is a large friendly dog in a small room.  Every time it wags its
-tail it knocks over a chair.
-		-- Arnold Toynbee
-
-The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
-everybody and still nobody likes him.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
-%
-Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
-to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
-		-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
-%
-America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
-%
-Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
-%
-AMOEBIT:
-	Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
-	and divide at the same time.
-%
-Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
-	-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
-%
-Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
-%
-An acid is like a woman:  a good one will eat through your pants.
-		-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
-%
-An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
-		-- Marlon Brando
-%
-An Ada exception is when a routine gets
-in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
-%
-An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
-%
-An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
-his apple trees to graze on the apples.  A Texas student walked by and
-asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
-	Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
-%
-An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
-		-- Dylan Thomas
-%
-An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-		-- D.E. Knuth
-%
-An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
-to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
-		-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
-%
-An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
-to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
-and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
-		-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
-		language.
-%
-An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
-		-- A Chinese child
-%
-An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
-winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
-over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
-open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
-let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
-	"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
-do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
-Bohr chuckled.
-	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
-scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
-that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
-%
-An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
-about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
-
-American:	"I can't believe you don't have cars here!  How do you
-		get to work?"
-Russian:	"We take the bus, or the subway.  We have public
-		transportation everywhere."
-A:		"Well, how do you go on vacations?"
-R:		"We take the train."
-A:		"Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
-R:		"We don't ever want go abroad."
-A:		"Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
-R:		"We take tanks."
-%
-An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
-the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
-%
-An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
-New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
-not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-An aphorism is never exactly true;
-it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
-		-- Karl Kraus
-%
-An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
-him last.
-		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
-%
-An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
-%
-An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
-%
-An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-An attachment a la Plato
-for a bashful young potato
-or a, not too French, french bean
-must excite your languid spleen.
-For, if you walk down Picadilly
-with a poppy or lily
-in your medieval hand,
-every one will say,
-as you walk your flowery way;
-"If this young man is content,
-with a vegetable love
-which would certainly not content me.
-Why, what a very pure young man
-this pure young man must be!"
-		-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
-		[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
-%
-An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
-murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
-mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
-Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
-suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
-murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
-%
-An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
-%
-An economist is a man who would marry
-Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
-%
-An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
-%
-An efficient and a successful administration manifests
-itself equally in small as in great matters.
-		-- W. Churchill
-%
-An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
-in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
-		-- Homer Ferguson
-%
-An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
-when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
-several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
-despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
-usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
-	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
-barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
-I've already paid them half of it."
-	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
-euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"
-%
-An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
-%
-An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
-anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
-already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the
-engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later
-the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
-has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the
-mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
-was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
-humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
-trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
-%
-An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
-%
-An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
-		-- A.P. Herbert
-%
-An evil mind is a great comfort.
-%
-An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He wears
-a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
-only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
-Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
-incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
-excellence:
-
-"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
-discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
-to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
-things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
-parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
-timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
-doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
-Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
-school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
-successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
-they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
-		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
-picturesque liar.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
-very narrow field.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
-as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
-		-- Benjamin Stolberg
-%
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less
-and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
-%
-An eye in a blue face
-Saw an eye in a green face.
-"That eye is like this eye"
-Said the first eye,
-"But in low place,
-Not in high place."
-%
-An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
-Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
-A manly man, to be a wizard able;
-Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
-His console, when he typed, a man might hear
-Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
-Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
-Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
-The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
-As old and strict he tended to ignore;
-He let go by the things of yesterday
-And took the modern world's more spacious way.
-He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
-Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
-And that a hacker underworked is a mere
-Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
-That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
-That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
-And I agreed and said his views were sound;
-Was he to study till his head wend round
-Poring over books in the cloisters?  Must he toil
-As Andy bade and till the very soil?
-Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
-Let Andy have his labor to himself!
-		-- Chaucer
-		[well, almost.  Ed.]
-%
-An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
-		-- Simon Cameron
-
-There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When
-bought they stay bought.
-		-- Bill Moyers
-%
-An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
-%
-An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
-		-- Henry Ford
-%
-An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
-%
-An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
-is to allow oneself to be devoured.
-		-- Konrad Adenauer
-%
-An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
-		-- Albert Camus
-%
-An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
-each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
-function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
-by the corresponding row and column labels.
-		-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
-		   Intelligence"
-%
-An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
-in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
-	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
-you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
-an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
-hour seems like a minute."
-	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
-moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
-great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
-a deeply loved family member.  The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
-have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
-hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
-of heaven...  I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
-	"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
-"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
-	A faint smile crosses the old man's face.  "Go an get me a sliver of
-strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
-	One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
-man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
-	"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
-	"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
-funeral."
-%
-An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
-		-- Don Marquis
-%
-An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
-A pessimist is a married optimist.
-%
-An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
-%
-An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
-		-- Michael Korda
-%
-An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-		-- Spanish proverb
-%
-Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
-but it's better than no government at all.
-%
-And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
-was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
-Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
-That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
-I've worried and worried and worried away.
-Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
-I've worried about it with all of my heart.
-
-"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
-the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
-UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
-nothing is going to get better - it's not.
-So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall.
-"It's a truffula seed.  It's the last one of all!
-
-"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
-And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
-Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
-Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
-Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
-Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
-%
-And as we stand on the edge of darkness
-Let our chant fill the void
-That others may know
-
-	In the land of the night
-	The ship of the sun
-	Is drawn by
-	The grateful dead.
-		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
-%
-And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
-unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
-bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
-provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
-unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
-bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
-provideth that they are nice and fresh."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
-%
-And did those feet, in ancient times,
-Walk upon England's mountains green?
-And was the Holy Lamb of God
-In England's pleasant pastures seen?
-And did the Countenance Divine
-Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
-And was Jerusalem builded here
-Among these dark satanic mills?
-
-Bring me my bow of burning gold!
-Bring me my arrows of desire!
-Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold!
-Bring me my chariot of fire!
-I shall not cease from mental fight,
-Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
-Till we have built Jerusalem
-In England's green and pleasant land.
-		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
-%
-And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
-%
-And ever has it been known that
-love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-		-- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor,
-"is your town's darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
-to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We've GOT to make noises in
-greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he
-spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
-he shouted out, "YOPP!"
-	And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
-Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
-They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what
-I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their
-whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
-	"How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now
-on, you know what I'm planning to do?  From now on, I'm going to protect
-them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From
-the sun in the summer.  From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
-them.  No matter how small-ish!"
-		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
-%
-And here I wait so patiently
-Waiting to find out what price
-You have to pay to get out of
-Going thru all of these things twice
-		-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
-%
-And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
-%
-And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
-"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
-%
-And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
-ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The
-little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
-them, aren't braced against them.
-		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
-%
-And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
-My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
-Addams -- he was good for nothing."
-		-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
-%
-And if California slides into the ocean,
-Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
-I predict this motel will be standing,
-Until I've paid my bill.
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
-%
-And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
-"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
-%
-And if you wonder,
-What I am doing,
-As I am heading for the sink.
-I am spitting out all the bitterness,
-Along with half of my last drink.
-%
-And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
-Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
-		-- Joan Baez
-%
-And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
-what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
-		-- David Jones
-%
-And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-And miles to go before I sleep.
-%
-And now for something completely the same.
-%
-And now your toner's toney,		Disk blocks aplenty
-And your paper near pure white,		Await your laser drawn lines,
-The smudges on your soul are gone	Your intricate fonts,
-And your output's clean as light..	Your pictures and signs.
-
-We've labored with your father,		Your amputative absence
-The venerable XGP,			Has made the Ten dumb,
-But his slow artistic hand,		Without you, Dover,
-Lacks your clean velocity.		We're system untounged-
-
-Theses and papers 			DRAW Plots and TEXage
-And code in a queue			Have been biding their time,
-Dover, oh Dover,			With LISP code and programs,
-We've been waiting for you.		And this crufty rhyme.
-
-Dover, oh Dover,		Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
-We welcome you back,		Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
-Though still you may jam,	Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
-You're on the right track.	Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
-					hand...
-%
-And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
-%
-And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
-%
-...and report cards I was always afraid to show
-Mama'd come to school
-and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
-Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
-Got a good head if he'd apply it
-but you know yourself
-it's always somewhere else
-I'd build me a castle
-with dragons and kings
-and I'd ride off with them
-As I stood by my window
-and looked out on those
-Brooklyn roads
-		-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
-%
-And so it was, later,
-As the miller told his tale,
-That her face, at first just ghostly,
-Turned a whiter shade of pale.
-		-- Procol Harum
-%
-And that's the way it is...
-		-- Walter Cronkite
-%
-And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
-turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
-the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
-clothes!  He is naked!"
-		-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
-%
-And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
-black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
-penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
-white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
-growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
-		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
-%
-And the silence came surging softly backwards
-When the plunging hooves were gone...
-		-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
-%
-And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
-with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
-%
-And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
-rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
-which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
-in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
-		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
-%
-And this is good old Boston,
-The home of the bean and the cod,
-Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
-And the Cabots talk only to God.
-%
-And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
-		-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
-%
-And we heard him exclaim
-As he started to roam:
-"I'm a hologram, kids,
-please don't try this at home!'"
-		-- Bob Violence
-%
-And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
-ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
-Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
-economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
-give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
-of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
-exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
-and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
-without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
-afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
-loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
-engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
-shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
-		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
-	She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
-	Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
-	All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
-		-- The Grateful Dead
-%
-And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
-have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
-the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
-loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
-in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
-license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-		-- Charles Dickens
-%
-And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
-a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
-tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
-tragedy face to face, we have politics.
-		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
-		   "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
-%
-And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
-because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
-%
-"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
-you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
-and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said
-he, earnestly.
-		-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
-%
-Andrea's Admonition:
-	Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
-	If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
-	it isn't and he can.
-%
-ANDROPHOBIA:
-	Fear of men.
-%
-Anger is momentary madness.
-		-- Horace
-%
-Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
-%
-Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
-Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Ankh if you love Isis.
-%
-Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
-
-Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
-
-Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
-just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
-cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
-at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
-think you can, and that's the point, right?)
-%
-ANOINT:
-	To grease a king or other great
-	functionary already sufficiently slippery.
-%
-Another day, another dollar.
-		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
-		   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
-		   Reagan.
-%
-Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Another megabytes the dust.
-%
-Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
-television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
-world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
-whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
-%
-Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
-		-- Pyrrhus
-%
-Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
-		-- Proverbs, 26:5
-%
-Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
-	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
-	corner of the workshop.
-
-Corollary:
-	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
-	your toes.
-%
-Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
-Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
-%
-Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
-%
-Antonio Antonio
-Was tired of living alonio
-He thought he would woo			Antonio Antonio
-Miss Lucamy Lu,				Rode off on his polo ponio
-Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.		And found the maid
-					In a bowery shade,
-					Sitting and knitting alonio.
-Antonio Antonio
-Said if you will be my ownio
-I'll love you true			Oh nonio Antonio
-And buy for you				You're far too bleak and bonio
-An icery creamry conio.			And all that I wish
-					You singular fish
-					Is that you will quickly begonio.
-Antonio Antonio
-Uttered a dismal moanio
-And went off and hid
-Or I'm told that he did
-in the Antarctical Zonio.
-%
-ANTONYM:
-	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-%
-Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
-[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
-Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
-cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
-Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
-them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
-		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
-		   cars across Europe.
-%
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
-which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
-%
-Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-		-- Charles McCabe
-%
-Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
-mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
-than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
-And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
-Is there a better way to die?
-		-- Charles Lindbergh
-%
-Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
-		-- Aesop
-%
-Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
-country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
-%
-Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
-wise person to be able to sell it.
-%
-Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
-how to lie well.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
-stupid.
-		-- Hedy Lamarr
-%
-Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
-%
-Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
-%
-Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
-a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance, my
-grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
-fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
-true.
-		-- Solomon Short
-%
-Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
-%
-Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
-rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
-of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
-requires a heroism which is transcendent.
-		-- Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
-		-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
-%
-Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
-liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
-be deemed to be a cat.
-		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
-%
-"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
-"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding someone
-qualified who is willing to accept the post."
-	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
-can at least make a decision."
-	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
-young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
-up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
-		-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
-%
-Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-		-- Sydney Harris
-%
-Any president should have the right to shoot
-at least two people a year without explanation.
-		-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
-%
-Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Any program which runs right is obsolete.
-%
-Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
-%
-Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.  Climb the mountain
-just a little to test it's a mountain.  From the top of the mountain, you
-cannot see the mountain.
-		-- Bene Gesserit proverb
-%
-Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
-Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
-From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
-		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
-%
-Any small object that is accidentally
-dropped will hide under a larger object.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-		-- Arthur Clarke
-%
-Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
-%
-Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
-%
-Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it.  No citizen
-has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
-		-- J.P. Morgan
-%
-Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
-organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
-		-- David Broder
-%
-Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
-sight of a police car is probably parked.
-%
-Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
-%
-Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
-person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
-and in the right way -- that is not easy.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
-supposed to be doing.
-%
-Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
-first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
-explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
-intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
-thought on every occasion."
-                -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
-%
-Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
-%
-Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
-At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
-bathe and not make messes in the house.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-		-- R. Heinlein
-%
-Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
-that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
-is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
-mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
-		-- Elizabeth Zwicky
-%
-Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
-knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
-as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-		-- Philippus Paracelsus
-%
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
-should on no account be allowed to do the job.
-		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
-recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
-particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
-		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Anything anybody can say about America is true.
-		-- Emmett Grogan
-%
-Anything cut to length will be too short.
-%
-Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
-%
-Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything is possible on paper.
-		-- Ron McAfee
-%
-Anything is possible, unless it's not.
-%
-Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
-The label means the price went up.
-The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
-means the price went way up.
-%
-Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto
-undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
-		-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
-%
-Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
-%
-Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
-%
-Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
-big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
-nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
-cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
-over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
-going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do
-all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it's crazy,
-but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.  I know it's crazy.
-		-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
-%
-Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
-If you want to come, you're not invited.
-%
-APHASIA:
-	Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
-	at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
-%
-aphorism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement.
-afterism, n.:
-	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-		-- James Alexander Thom
-%
-APL hackers do it in the quad.
-%
-APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
-future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
-of coding bums.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
-...and is best for educational purposes.
-		-- A. Perlis
-%
-APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs
-in APL, but I can't read any of them.
-		-- Roy Keir
-%
-Appearances often are deceiving.
-		-- Aesop
-%
-APPENDIX:
-	A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
-%
-Applause, n:
-	The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-April is the cruellest month...
-		-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
-%
-AQUADEXTROUS:
-	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
-	faucet on and off with your toes.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-aquadextrous, adj.:
-	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
-with your toes.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
-	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
-	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
-	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
-	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
-	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
-	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
-	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
-	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
-	You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
-	you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
-	As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
-	relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
-	able to lend you a few bucks.
-%
-Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
-ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
-cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
-cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
-then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap.  I've
-never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
-		-- Peter Nelson
-%
-Are we not men?
-%
-Are we running light with overbyte?
-%
-Are Women Human?
-In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
-representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
-The results were 32 yes, 31 no.  Women were declared human by one
-vote.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	Are you sure you're telling the truth?  Think hard.
-	Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
-	If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
-	Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel?
-	Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
-	Don't you know any better?
-	How could you be so stupid?
-	If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
-	You can't fool me.  I know what you're thinking.
-	If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	Do as I say, not as I do.
-	Do me a favour and don't tell me about it.  I don't want to know.
-	What did you do *this* time?
-	If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
-	When I was your age...
-	I won't love you if you keep doing that.
-	Think of all the starving children in India.
-	If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
-	I'm going to kill you.
-	Way to go, clumsy.
-	If you don't like it, you can lump it.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	Go away.  You bother me.
-	Why?   Because life is unfair.
-	That's a nice drawing.  What is it?
-	Children should be seen and not heard.
-	You'll be the death of me.
-	You'll understand when you're older.
-	Because.
-	Wipe that smile off your face.
-	I don't believe you.
-	How many times have I told you to be careful?
-	Just because.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	Good children always obey.
-	Quit acting so childish.
-	Boys don't cry.
-	If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
-	Why do you have to know so much?
-	This hurts me more than it hurts you.
-	Why?  Because I'm bigger than you.
-	Well, you've ruined everything.  Now are you happy?
-	Oh, grow up.
-	I'm only doing this because I love you.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	When are you going to grow up?
-	I'm only doing this for your own good.
-	Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
-		cry about.
-	What's wrong with you?
-	Someday you'll thank me for this.
-	You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
-	Don't you have any sense at all?
-	If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
-	Why?  Because I said so.
-	I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
-%
-Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...
-
-	You wouldn't understand.
-	You ask too many questions.
-	In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
-	That's for me to know and you to find out.
-	Don't let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick
-		up for yourself.
-	You're acting too big for your britches.
-	Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied?
-	Wait till your father gets home.
-	Bored?  If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
-	Shape up or ship out.
-%
-Are you making all this up as you go along?
-%
-"Are you police officers?"
-"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
-		-- The Blues Brothers
-%
-Are you sure the back door is locked?
-%
-"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
-No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
-Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
-Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
-Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
-Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
-Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
-	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
-Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
-Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
-Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
-Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
-
-	Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
-0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
-3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
-6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
-8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
-11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
-%
-Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
-in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
-		-- O. Wilde
-%
-Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
-%
-ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
-	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
-	quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not
-	very nice.
-%
-ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
-	You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
-	and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
-	got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
-%
-ARITHMETIC:
-	An obscure art no longer practiced in
-	the world's developed countries.
-%
-Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
-		-- Mickey Mouse
-%
-ARMADILLO:
-	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
-%
-Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
-autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
-Union.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-Armor's Axiom:
-	Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
-%
-Armstrong's Collection Law:
-	If the check is truly in the mail,
-	it is surely made out to someone else.
-%
-Arnold's Addendum:
-	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
-%
-Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
-	1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
-	2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
-	3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
-	    first two laws.
-%
-Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
-a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux."  Aside from
-one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
-to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
-(He died in 1921.)
-	Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
-flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
-fantasy...
-	What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
-And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw?  (This
-instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!)  Then the
-piece would be better known as:
-	SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
-%
-Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
-incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
-		-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
-%
-Art is a jealous mistress.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
-		-- Picasso
-%
-Art is anything you can get away with.
-		-- Marshall McLuhan.
-%
-Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
-		-- Chazal
-%
-Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.
-%
-Arthur's Laws of Love:
-	1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
-	    remind them of someone else.
-	2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
-	    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
-	    of yourself in person.
-%
-Article the Third:
-	Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
-	enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change.  Public announcements and
-	guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
-Article the Fourth:
-	The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
-	and not the "feeder".  Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
-	face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
-Article the Fifth:
-	Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
-	a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
-	lights are out.  They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
-	to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
-		-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
-%
-Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
-artificial flowers have to flowers.
-		-- David Parnas
-%
-Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
-%
-As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
-%
-As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
-interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick perverted
-disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
-jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
-I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
-This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
-		-- Matt Cartmill
-%
-As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
-and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
-scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
-		-- M. Cartmill
-%
-As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
-a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
-Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
-glass.
-	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
-with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
-	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
-a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
-down in one gulp.
-	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
-fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
-firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
-NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
-%
-As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
-the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
-a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
-		-- Joseph Brodsky
-%
-As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
-and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-		-- Einstein
-%
-As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-		-- Weisert
-%
-As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
-		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
-%
-As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
-We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
-		-- Frederic Reynolds
-%
-As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
-of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
-		-- J.F. Kennedy
-%
-As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
-%
-As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
-the potato salad.
-%
-As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
-religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
-methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
-to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
-years, left the sect he was associated with.  The problem is that once the
-untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
-and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
-high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
-surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
-		-- Steve Allen
-%
-As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
-pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-As I thought, no better from this side.
-		-- Eeyore
-%
-As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
-	Feeling worse and worser,
-There I met a C.R.T.
-	And it drop't me a cursor.
-
-C.R.T., C.R.T.,
-	Phosphors light on you!
-If I had fifty hours a day
-	I'd spend them all at you.
-		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-As I was passing Project MAC,
-I met a Quux with seven hacks.
-Every hack had seven bugs;
-Every bug had seven manifestations;
-Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
-Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
-How many losses at Project MAC?
-%
-As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
-I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
-The words were torn and tattered,
-From the storm the night before,
-The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
-
-Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
-Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
-Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
-And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
-
-Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
-Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
-Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
-And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
-%
-As in certain cults it is possible to
-kill a process if you know its true name.
-		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
-smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
-in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
-norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a
-computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
-IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
-standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
-standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
-allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
-innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
-imagery.  IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven
-images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
-on the austerity of the word.
-		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
-industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
-and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
-man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a real American
-talk like that.
-		-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
-%
-As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
-%
-As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
-schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
-The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
-%
-As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
-When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
-%
-As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
-One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
-useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
-
-Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
-
- 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
- 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
- 3. Some people never look at me.
- 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
- 5. My sex life is A-okay.
- 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
- 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
- 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
- 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
-10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
-11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
-12. I cannot read or write.
-13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
-14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
-15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
-16. I am never startled by a fish.
-17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
-18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
-19. People who break the law are wise guys.
-20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
-%
-As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
-One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
-useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
-
-Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
-
- 1. I think beavers work too hard.
- 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
- 3. God is love.
- 4. I like mannish children.
- 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
- 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
- 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
- 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
- 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
-10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
-11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
-    full of mice.
-12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
-13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
-14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
-15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
-16. My eyes are always cold.
-17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
-18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
-19. I am never startled by a fish.
-20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
-%
-As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
-The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
-It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
-An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
-Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
-Follow it through, me canny lad O;
-Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
-Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
-		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
-Please update your programs.
-%
-As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
-Please update your programs.
-%
-As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
-%
-As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
-the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
-
-News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
-
-	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
-	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
-	Keywords: C sources
-	Distribution: na
-
-	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
-	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
-	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
-	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)
-
-	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
-	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
-	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
-	must be done?
-%
-As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
-a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
-		-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
-		   conversion to a new computer system.
-%
-As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
-I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
-Of society offenders who might well be underground
-And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
-		-- Koko, "The Mikado"
-%
-As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
-as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be
-discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
-part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
-my own programs.
-		-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
-%
-As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
-because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
-bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
-or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
-version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
-component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
-efficient test cases will usually be available.
-		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
-as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
-but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
-with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
-divinity.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-As Will Rogers would have said,
-"There is no such things as a free variable."
-%
-As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple memory
-aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
-chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
-proper time for chocolate.
-		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
-%
-As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
-but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
-		-- The Cowboy
-%
-As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
-		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
-%
-As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
-%
-ASCII:
-	The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
-	become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as
-	a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
-	receive."
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
-%
-ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
-%
-Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
-If God won't have you, the devil must.
-%
-Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
-one went to Harvard).
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
-will pay only the station-to-station rate.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
-if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
-%
-Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
-		-- J.J. Gibson
-%
-Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-		-- John Stuart Mill
-%
-Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
-said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
-released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
-right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
-learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
-writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
-newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
-bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
-chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
-as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
-everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
-the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
-and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
-couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
-two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
-lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
-		-- Christopher Hampton
-%
-Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
-and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
-		-- D. Gries
-%
-Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run
-with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep
-the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people
-and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
-		-- Stanley Walker
-%
-Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
-%
-Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
-		-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
-%
-At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
-solved.  The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
-take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
-available.  The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
-In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it.  There
-is only one solution, he says.  Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
-relativity and all.  She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
-a computer problem?"
-	"Remember the twin paradox?"
-	After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
-fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
-that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course!  Leave the
-computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
-	The problem was so important that they did exactly that.  When
-the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
-
-	IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
-%
-At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
-my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
-ignorance upon the shore.
-		-- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
-the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
-quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
-than blinkers it.
-		-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
-%
-At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
-a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-		-- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
-%
-At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,
-"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-		-- J.B. White
-%
-At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
-thumb with a hammer.
-		-- Marshall Lumsden
-%
-At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
-especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
--- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
-in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
-after fact and reason.
-		-- John Keats
-%
-At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
-coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
-		-- H.R. Gumby
-%
-At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
-and no further activities are scheduled.
-%
-At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
-The image of Providing Nourishment.
-Thus the superior man is careful of his words
-And temperate in eating and drinking.
-%
-At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
-contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
-or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
-of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
-nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
-world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
-enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
-field on track.
-		-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
-%
-At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
-to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
-die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the
-room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
-The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor
-grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
-You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in
-213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
-gently!"
-	The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
-opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
-his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say...
-guess who's going to die soon!"
-%
-At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
-at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
-%
-At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
-		-- Peter G. Alaquon
-%
-At times discretion should be thrown aside,
-and with the foolish we should play the fool.
-		-- Menander
-%
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
-number of pens that person is carrying.
-%
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-%
-ATLANTA:
-	An entire city surrounded by an airport.
-%
-Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
-decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
-lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
-suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
-is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
-		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
-%
-AUCTION:
-	A gyp off the old block.
-%
-Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
-		-- G.J. Danton
-%
-audiophile, n:
-	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
-%
-Auribus teneo lupum.
-[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
-%
-AUTHENTIC:
-	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
-%
-Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
-		-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
-%
-AUTOMOBILE:
-	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
-%
-Avec!
-%
-Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
-%
-Avoid cliches like the plague.
-They're a dime a dozen.
-%
-Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
-%
-Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
-%
-Avoid reality at all costs.
-%
-Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
-		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
-%
-Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
-%
-Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
-ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
-to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
-mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
-in 1959.
-		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
-		   bad fiction contest.
-%
-[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
-		-- Tris Speaker, 1921
-%
-BACCHUS:
-	A convenient deity invented by the ancients
-	as an excuse for getting drunk.
-%
-BACHELOR:
-	A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
-%
-BACHELOR:
-	A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
-%
-Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
-that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations.  Foreign
-correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
-invaded.  They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
-West and the Soviets invade from the East?  Who will you fight first?"
-	To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
-Business before pleasure."
-%
-Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons.  Some
-military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
-who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
-Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
-problems of terminology were all Bell System.  We used to struggle with
-written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
-(most phones were rotary then.)  Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
-types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
-the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
-the "pound sign."  Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out.  It
-never really caught on.
-%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
-uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
-%
-BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
-	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
-%
-Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
-%
-BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
-%
-Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
-whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
-		-- Socrates
-%
-Bagdikian's Observation:
-	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
-	is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
-%
-Bahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
-		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
-%
-Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
-	A block grant is a solid mass of money
-	surrounded on all sides by governors.
-%
-BALLISTOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of bullets;
-OTOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of opening one's eyes.
-PECCATOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of sinning.
-TAPHEPHOBIA:
-	Fear of being buried alive.
-SITOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of food.
-TRICHOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of hair.
-VESTIPHOBIA:
-	Fear of clothing.
-%
-BALTIMORE:
-	A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
-%
-Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
-%
-Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
-	The hippo has no sting, but the wise
-	man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
-%
-Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
-%
-Barach's Rule:
-	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
-%
-Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
-	(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
-	    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
-	(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
-	    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
-%
-Barker's Proof:
-	Proofreading is more effective after publication.
-%
-BAROMETER:
-	An ingenious instrument which indicates
-	what kind of weather we are having.
-%
-Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
-Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
-	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-	(2) Advising the President.
-	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-BASIC:
-	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases
-	in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
-%
-Basic Definitions of Science:
-	If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
-	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-%
-Basic is a high level languish.
-%
-BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
-		-- Seymour Papert
-%
-Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
-come in and sink my boats.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Batteries not included.
-%
-Battle, n:
-	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
-	will not yield to the tongue.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Be a better psychiatrist and the world
-will beat a psychopath to your door.
-%
-BE A LOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
-%
-BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
-%
-Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-		-- Homer
-%
-Be careful!  Is it classified?
-%
-Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
-%
-Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
-situations that can't bear inspection.
-%
-Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
-		-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
-%
-Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
-%
-Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
-		-- Derek Bok
-%
-Be cautious in your daily affairs.
-%
-Be cheerful while you are alive.
-		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
-%
-Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better
-to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
-		-- De Maintenon
-%
-Be different: conform.
-%
-Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
-the issue afterwards.
-%
-Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!
-Things won't get any better so get used to it.
-%
-Be incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
-%
-Be independent.
-Insult a rich relative today.
-%
-Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
-nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
-%
-Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
-		-- Pope St. Gregory I
-%
-Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
-%
-Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
-Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
-%
-Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
-and original in your work.
-		-- Flaubert
-%
-Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
-%
-Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
-%
-Be sociable.
-Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
-%
-Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
-%
-Be valiant, but not too venturous.
-Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
-		-- John Lyly
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty!
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
-%
-Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
-%
-BEAUTY:
-	What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
-%
-Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
-%
-Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
-%
-Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
-		-- Jean Anouilh
-%
-Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
-Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-		-- John Keats
-%
-Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-		-- Redd Foxx
-%
-Because I do,
-Because I do not hope,
-Because I do not hope to survive
-Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
-Because I do, only do,
-I continue...
-		-- T.S. Pynchon
-%
-Because the wine remembers.
-%
-Because we don't think about future generations,
-they will never forget us.
-		-- Henrik Tikkanen
-%
-Been through hell?
-What did you bring back for me?
-%
-Been Transferred Lately?
-%
-Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
-%
-Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
-%
-Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
-		-- Addison H. Hallock
-%
-Before destruction a man's heart is
-haughty, but humility goes before honour.
-		-- Psalms 18:12
-%
-...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
-or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
-did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was
-manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
-this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
-power of meddling.
-		-- Joseph Conrad
-%
-Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
-%
-Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
-they are "Let's eat out."
-%
-Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
-%
-Before you ask more questions, think about whether
-you really want to know the answers.
-		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
-%
-Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
-	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
-%
-Beggars should be no choosers.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
-%
-Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
-%
-Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
-%
-Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
-is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
-the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
-basket!"
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Behold the unborn foetus and
-	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
-	An enemy civilian).
-%
-Behold the warranty -- the bold print
-giveth and the fine print taketh away.
-%
-Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
-stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
-opposite applies with the judges.
-		-- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
-since it consists principally of dealings with men.
-		-- Conrad
-%
-Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
-to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over
-and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
-	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've missed
-seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
-%
-Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
-disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
-%
-Being in politics is like being a football coach.  You have to be smart
-enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-		-- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
-Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
-		-- Blake Clark
-%
-Being owned by someone used to be called
-slavery -- now it's called commitment.
-%
-Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
-%
-Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
-different from being stoned on gin.
-		-- Ralph Nader
-%
-Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
-standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
-		-- unnamed Justice Department official
-%
-Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
-%
-belief, n:
-	Something you do not believe.
-%
-Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
-impossibly bad.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
-%
-Ben, why didn't you tell me?
-		-- Luke Skywalker
-%
-Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
-	(1)  Houses are for people to live in.
-	(2)  Gardens are for plants to live in.
-	(3)  There is no such thing as a houseplant.
-%
-Benson's Dogma:
-	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
-%
-Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
-none of his friends like him either.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
-transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
-Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
-place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
-surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
-MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
-For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish."  It was
-rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
-"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
-after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
-	"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
-	"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
-	"The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
-	"The test or the room?"
-	"The tests or the room?  Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
-	"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
-Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
-great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
-tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.'  So why did you come here?  Why, Bernie,
-why?"
-	"Vhy I come heah?  Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
-		-- House of God
-%
-Bershere's Formula for Failure:
-	There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
-	listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
-%
-Besides the device, the box should contain:
-	* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
-	* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
-		club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
-
-YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
-
-IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
-and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
-all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
-transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."
-
-WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
-judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
-doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
-history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
-at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
-them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
-victuals being spent and especially our beer."
-	-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
-%
-Best Mistakes In Films
-	In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
-four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
-possible.
-	In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
-street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
-	In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
-with television aerials.
-	In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
-fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
-in the background.
-	In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
-clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Best of all is never to have been born.
-Second best is to die soon.
-%
-beta test, v:
-	To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
-	sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
-	In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
-%
-Better by far you should forget and
-smile than that you should remember and be sad.
-		-- Christina Rossetti
-%
-Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
-around while you have your life in such a mess.
-%
-Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
-%
-Better late than never.
-		-- Titus Livius (Livy)
-%
-Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
-%
-Better the prince of some inferior court,
-Than second, or less, in beatific light.
-		-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
-%
-Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
-%
-Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
-		-- motto of the Christopher Society
-%
-Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
-%
-Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
-		-- Jeff Cooper
-%
-Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
-left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.  Using a
-bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
-pushing boulders into a single word.
-	It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
-Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
-equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
-destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
-Parliament and Party.
-	It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
-planets, this may be the first message received from us.
-		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
-%
-Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
-%
-Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
-		-- G.H. Gonnet
-%
-Between the idea
-And the reality
-Between the motion
-And the act
-Falls the Shadow
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to system service dispatching.]
-%
-BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
-%
-Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
-%
-Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
-%
-Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
-%
-Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
-a new wearer of clothes.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Beware of Bigfoot!
-%
-Beware of bugs in the above code;
-I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-		-- D. Knuth
-%
-Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
-%
-Beware of geeks bearing graft.
-%
-Beware of low-flying butterflies.
-%
-Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.  The
-danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
-the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-		-- Leonard Brandwein
-%
-Beware of strong drink. It can make you
-shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
-%
-"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
-himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of murderous
-resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
-ignorance the hard way."
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut
-%
-Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
-is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
-%
-Beware the new TTY code!
-%
-Beware the one behind you.
-%
-bi, n:
-	When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
-%
-Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
-	(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
-	(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
-	(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
-%
-Big book, big bore.
-		-- Callimachus
-%
-Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
-Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
-Mighty nice!
-%
-Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
-%
-Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
-%
-Bilbo's First Law:
-	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
-%
-Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
-		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
-%
-Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
-	generation to generation?
-Mom:	Yes?
-Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it.
-%
-Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
-and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
-		-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
-%
-Bing's Rule:
-	Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
-%
-Biology grows on you.
-%
-Biology is the only science in which
-multiplication means the same thing as division.
-%
-Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
-nightgowns do with keeping warm.
-		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
-%
-Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
-%
-birth, n:
-	The first and direst of all disasters.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
-%
-Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
-behavior of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
-absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
-time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
-time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
-on the observer's movement in restaurants.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-bit, n:
-	A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color
-	refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
-	cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
-	ago.
-%
-Bit off more than my mind could chew,
-Shower or suicide, what do I do?
-		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
-%
-Biz is better.
-%
-Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
-%
-Black people have never rioted.  A riot is what white people think blacks
-are involved in when they burn stores.
-		-- Julius Lester
-%
-Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
-Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
-Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
-They were just some of my tropical fish.
-
-Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
-Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
-Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
-Now I have many less tropical fish.
-
-	If you think that
-	Fish are peaceful
-	That's an empty wish.
-	Just dump them together
-	And leave them alone,
-	And soon you will have -- no fish.
-		-- To My Favorite Things
-%
-Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
-The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
-A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
-She wants to hit those bricks,
-	'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
-While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
-The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
-I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
-I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
-		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
-%
-Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
-%
-Blessed are the forgetful:  for they
-get the better even of their blunders.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
-%
-Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
-		-- Herbert Hoover
-%
-Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
-to say it.
-		-- James Russell Lowell
-%
-Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
-for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
-%
-Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
-		-- W.C. Bennett
-%
-Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-		-- Alexander Pope
-%
-Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
-for he shall enjoy living.
-		-- W.C. Bennett
-%
-Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
-abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
-		-- George Eliot
-%
-Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
-		-- David Nichols
-%
-blithwapping:
-	Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
-	wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
-%
-Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
-	The judge's jokes are always funny.
-%
-Blow it out your ear.
-%
-Blue paint today.
-		[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.]
-%
-Blutarsky's Axiom:
-	Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
-%
-Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
-%
-Boling's postulate:
-	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
-%
-Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
-	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
-	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
-%
-Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
-seemed to come from Texas.
-		-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
-%
-Bondage maybe, discipline never!
-		-- T.K.
-%
-Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
-%
-Boob's Law:
-	You always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-Booker's Law:
-	An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
-%
-Bore, n:
-	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-boss, n:
-	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
-	words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
-	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
-	ornamental stud."
-%
-Boston:
-	An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
-%
-Boston:
-	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
-	fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
-interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
-on the same communications line connection.
-		-- Bell System Technical Reference
-%
-Boucher's Observation:
-	He who blows his own horn always plays the music
-	several octaves higher than originally written.
-%
-Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
-		-- Ralph Lewin
-%
-Bower's Law:
-	Talent goes where the action is.
-%
-Bowie's Theorem:
-	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
-%
-Boy!  Eucalyptus!
-%
-Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
-You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-Save your heart and let your body be enough,
-To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-Save your heart and let your body be enough,
-And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-		-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
-%
-Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
-'Advanced Systems Development' group!
-%
-boy, n:
-	A noise with dirt on it.
-%
-Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
-%
-Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
-%
-Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
-		-- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band
-together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a
-tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there's a Bozo
-on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
-They're the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk
-clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix.
-Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean
-well.  They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes.  They
-like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
-which is all the time.
-		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
-%
-Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
-an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
-anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend to think of it as
-`Constructive Snottiness.'
-		-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
-%
-Bradley's Bromide:
-	If computers get too powerful, we can organize
-	them into a committee -- that will do them in.
-%
-Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
-	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
-	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
-	have handled this?"
-%
-Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
-wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
-		-- The Mahabharata
-%
-Brain fried -- core dumped
-%
-brain, n:
-	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
-	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
-	of error in an opponent.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
-theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
-Multics, adj:
-	Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented.  There is an implication
-	that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
-	because he/she should have known better.  Calling something
-	brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
-%
-Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
-is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
-off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
-single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
-kept going, sliding safely into third base.
-	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
-bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
-Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
-took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
-	I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
-start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
-into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
-shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
-		-- Charles Lamb
-%
-Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
-		-- Randy Goebel
-%
-Break into jail and claim police brutality.
-%
-Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
-Watch lights fade from every room.
-Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
-another day's useless energies spent.
-
-Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
-Lonely man cries for love and has none.
-New mother picks up and suckles her son.
-Senior citizens wish they were young.
-
-Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
-Removes the colors from our sight.
-Red is grey and yellow white.
-But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
-		-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
-%
-Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
-%
-bride, n:
-	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
-%
-Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
-%
-briefcase, n:
-	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
-%
-Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
-data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
-an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
-and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
-which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
-in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
-hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
-construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
-assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
-only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
-of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978).  In the
-analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
-appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
-		-- A. Benjamin
-%
-Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
-	girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
-i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
-	e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
-
-"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
-	dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
-fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
-	metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
-		-- "The Jabberwock"
-%
-Bringing computers into the home won't change
-either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
-%
-Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast
-more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
-If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
-brusque, your character.
-		-- Jonathan Swift
-%
-British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
-it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
-		-- Peter Ustinov
-%
-British Israelites:
-	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
-be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
-on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
-can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
-means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs.  They also
-believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
-and take all your teeth.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-broad-mindedness, n:
-	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
-%
-Brogan's Constant:
-	People tend to congregate in the back
-	of the church and the front of the bus.
-%
-brokee, n:
-	Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
-%
-Brooke's Law:
-	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
-	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
-	expands it beyond recognition.
-%
-BS:	You remind me of a man.
-B:	What man?
-BS:	The man with the power.
-B:	What power?
-BS:	The power of voodoo.
-B:	Voodoo?
-BS:	You do.
-B:	Do what?
-BS:	Remind me of a man.
-B:	What man?
-BS:	The man with the power...
-		-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
-%
-Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
-%
-Bucy's Law:
-	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-%
-Bug:
-	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
-	The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
-	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-%
-bug, n:
-	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
-	The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
-	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Build a system that even a fool can use
-and only a fool will want to use it.
-%
-Building translators is good clean fun.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
-General:	What does that make YOU?
-Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.
-%
-Bumper sticker:
-	All the parts falling off this car are
-	of the very finest British manufacture.
-%
-Bunker's Admonition:
-	You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
-%
-BURBULATION:
-	The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
-	an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Bureau Termination, Law of:
-	When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
-	the number of employees in that bureau will double within
-	12 months after the decision is made.
-%
-bureaucracy, n:
-	A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
-%
-bureaucrat, n:
-	A politician who has tenure.
-%
-Burke's Postulates:
-	Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
-	Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
-%
-Burnt Sienna.  That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
-		-- Ken Weaver
-%
-Bus error -- driver executed.
-%
-Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
-%
-Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!
-%
-Business is a good game -- lots of competition
-and minimum of rules.  You keep score with money.
-		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
-%
-Business will be either better or worse.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
-proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
-to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
-were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
-unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
-in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
-the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If
-there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
-of value.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
-%
-But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-But has any little atom,
-	While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
-Ever stopped to think or CARE
-	That E = m c**2 ?
-%
-"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
-"Tell 'em I lied."
-%
-But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
-I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to
-kill more than I could eat.
-		-- Raoul Duke
-%
-But I don't like Spam!!!!
-%
-"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
-"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
-"But I'm feeling much better..."
-"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
-		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
-%
-But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go
-back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
-what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
-to hold reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something
-true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
-theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might
-even, if we thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of
-crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
-that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
-with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
-everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It
-therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
-arrogance down.
-		-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
-%
-But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
-we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
-that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
-of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
-example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
-makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
-whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
-finite or an infinite number.
-		-- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
-But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
-nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
-		-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
-%
-But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
-system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
-analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-		-- Bruce Leverett,
-		"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
-%
-But it does move!
-		-- Galileo Galilei
-%
-But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
-%
-But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
-In proving foresight may be vain:
-The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
-Gang aft a-gley,
-An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
-For promised joy.
-	-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
-%
-But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
-%
-But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
-%
-But scientists, who ought to know
-Assure us that it must be so.
-Oh, let us never, never doubt
-What nobody is sure about.
-		-- Hilaire Belloc
-%
-But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
-%
-But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
-frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
-		-- M. Proust
-%
-But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
-Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
-But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
-		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
-%
-But these pills can't be habit forming;
-I've been taking them for years.
-%
-But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
-place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
-Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What
-is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
-enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
-Have I explained yet about the bytes?
-%
-But you shall not escape my iambics.
-		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
-reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
-those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
-		-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
-%
-Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
-Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
-Less dear than army ants in apple pies
-Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
-Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
-Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
-They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
-Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
-Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
-And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
-Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
-Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
-Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
-Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
-%
-buzzword, n:
-	The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
-%
-By doing just a little every day, you can
-gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
-%
-By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
-%
-By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
-designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
-		-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
-		   Fool's column.
-%
-By nature, men are nearly alike;
-by practice, they get to be wide apart.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
-In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
-as it is to invent.
-		-- R. Emerson
-		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
-		(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
-		[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
-		misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.]
-%
-By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
-		-- Charles Spurgeon
-%
-By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-By the time you swear you're his,
-shivering and sighing
-and he vows his passion is
-infinite, undying --
-Lady, make a note of this:
-One of you is lying.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
-%
-By the yard, life is hard.
-By the inch, it's a cinch.
-%
-By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
-Another man's, I mean.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-By working faithfully eight hours a day,
-you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-byob, v:
-	Believing Your Own Bull
-%
-Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
-point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
-fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
-often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
-from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
-that so many people from point B are so keen to get there.  They often
-wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
-they wanted to be.
-		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-carefully print the chaff.
-%
-Byte your tongue.
-%
-C Code.
-C Code Run.
-Run, Code, RUN!
-	PLEASE!!!!
-%
-C for yourself.
-%
-C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
-%
-C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
-harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
-%
-C, n:
-	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
-	assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
-	else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or
-	it isn't.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-cabbage, n:
-	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
-	a man's head.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Cache:
-	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
-	is supposed to know is there.
-%
-Cahn's Axiom:
-	When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Californians are a strange people.  They'll put every chemical known to God
-and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
-coffee.
-%
-Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-		-- Indian proverb
-%
-Call things by their right names...  Glass of brandy and water!  That is the
-current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
-damnation.
-		-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
-		   Life of Hall"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to logical names.]
-%
-Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missle sighted, target
-Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
-%
-Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
-		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
-%
-Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
-%
-Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
-Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
-Calm down, and speak to me in English,
-Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
-%
-Calvin:	"I wonder where we go when we die."
-Hobbes:	"Pittsburgh?"
-Calvin:	"You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
-%
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
-who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Campbell's Law:
-	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
-%
-Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
-%
-Can anyone remember when the times
-were not hard, and money not scarce?
-%
-Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
-Yes, work never begun.
-%
-Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the
-only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.
-		-- Robert J. Ringer
-%
-Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
-	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
-
-Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
-	A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
-%
-Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
-It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
-	but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
-	poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth, any day is tough
-	when you're poor and unhappy.
-%
-Canonical, adj.:
-	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story:
-One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
-of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
-much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
-Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
-fashion without thinking.
-	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
-	Stallman: "What did he say?"
-	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
-%
-Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.
-		-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
-		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Can't open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.
-%
-Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
-%
-Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
-the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
-		-- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
-	Play your hunches.  This is a day when luck will play an important
-	part in your life.  If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
-	luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either.  You are
-	a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
-	don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
-	Follow your instincts.  You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
-	else, such as think.  Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
-	it.  That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
-	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
-	much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn
-	of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
-	too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
-%
-Captain Penny's Law:
-	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
-	some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
-%
-Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
-%
-Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
-Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
-mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
-takes.
-%
-Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
-the name Craney incorrectly.
-		-- Jim Canrey
-%
-Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
-fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
-the same can be said of dirt.
-%
-carperpetuation, n:
-	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
-	times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
-	it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Carson's Consolation:
-	Nothing is ever a complete failure.
-	It can always be used as a bad example.
-%
-Carson's Observation on Footwear:
-	If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
-%
-Carswell's Corollary:
-	Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
-	nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
-%
-Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
-		-- The Beach Boys
-%
-Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
-		-- Howard Chaykin
-%
-Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
-%
-Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull
-a sled through the snow.
-%
-Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
-%
-Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
-%
-Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
-%
-Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
-%
-CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
-%
-CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
-%
-Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
-%
-Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
-of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An
-incorrect model can be a useful tool.
-		-- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Census Taker to Housewife:
-Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
-%
-Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
-%
-cerebral atrophy, n:
-	The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
-impair the brain's performance.  An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
-symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
-performance.  A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
-everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
-and the assimilation of difficult concepts.  Many college students become
-victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
-
-cerebral darwinism, n:
-	The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
-through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption.  Large amounts of
-alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation.  Through
-the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
-first, leaving only the healthy cells.  This wonderful process leaves the
-imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
-Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
-performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
-%
-Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
-Jaka:		Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
-Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
-			of it?
-Jaka:		Oooh.
-Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
-		-- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
-%
-Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
-walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
-then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
-health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
-not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
-only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
-others who have tried it.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-
-Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
-most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of
-Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
-reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
-nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
-but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
-nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
-		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
-%
-Certainly the game is rigged.
-Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
-		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
-But it's very funny --
-did you ever try buying them without money?
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
-%
-C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
-		-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
-%
-CF&C stole it, fair and square.
-		-- Tim Hahn
-%
-Chairman of the Bored.
-%
-Chamberlain's Laws:
-	1: The big guys always win.
-	2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
-%
-Champagne don't make me lazy.  Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
-Ain't nobody's business but my own.
-		-- Taj Mahal
-%
-Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-Change your thoughts and you change your world.
-%
-Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
-		-- Kathleen Norris
-%
-Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
-%
-Chapter 1:
-	The story so far:
-	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made
-a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-%
-Chapter 2:  Newtonian Growth and Decay
-
-	The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
-Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg.  His idea was to provide an equation
-that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
-quite reach zero.  Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
-mortgage.  Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
-a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity.  This equation
-can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
-race in general.
-%
-character density, n.:
-	The number of very weird people in the office.
-%
-Character is what you are in the dark!
-		-- Lord John Whorfin
-%
-CHARITY:
-	A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
-%
-Charity begins at home.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth?
-Linus:		To make others happy.
-Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
-%
-Charlie was a chemist,
-But Charlie is no more.
-What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
-%
-Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
-without having asked any clear question.
-%
-Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
-%
-Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
-they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
-%
-checkuary, n:
-	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends
-	when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
-%
-Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
-%
-Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
-%
-Chef, n:
-	Any cook who swears in French.
-%
-Cheit's Lament:
-	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
-	the next time he's in need.
-%
-CHEMICALS:
-	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
-%
-Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
-%
-Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
-%
-Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
-%
-Cheops' Law:
-	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
-%
-"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
-		which way I ought to go from here?"
-"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
-"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
-%
-Chess tonight.
-%
-CHICAGO:
-	Where the dead still vote... early and often!
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
-	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
-headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
-		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
-	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
-for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
-cheerfully baste you.
-		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
-%
-Chicagoan:	"So, where're you from?"
-Hoosier:	"What's wrong with Indiana?"
-%
-Chicken Little was right.
-%
-Chicken Soup:
-	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
-	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup
-	can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that
-shivers when it's warm.
-%
-Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
-them.  That's when they come over and violate your body space.
-%
-Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
-despite every effort to teach them good manners.
-%
-Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
-going to catch you in next.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
-And that's what parents were created for.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.
-Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually
-repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
-%
-Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
-		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
-%
-Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
-%
-Chism's Law of Completion:
-	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
-	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
-%
-Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
-	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
-%
-Chocolate Chip.
-%
-Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
-a friend if she were a man.
-		-- Joubert
-%
-Chorus:
-	Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
-	Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
-	You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
-	But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
-She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
-And we begged her not to go.
-But she'd forgot her medication,	When we found her Christmas morning,
-And she staggered through the door	At the scene of the attack.
-	out in the snow.		She had hoofprints on her forehead,
-					And incriminating claus-marks on her
-Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,		back.
-He's been taking this so well.
-See him in there watching football.	I've warned all my friends and
-Drinking beer and playing cards			neighbors,
-	with cousin Mel.		Better watch out for yourselves!
-					They should never give a license,
-					To a man who drives a sleigh and
-						plays with elves!
-		-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
-%
-Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
-%
-Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
-difficult and not tried.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Christmas time is here, by Golly;	Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
-Disapproval would be folly;		Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
-Deck the halls with hunks of holly;	Even though the prospect sickens,
-Fill the cup and don't say when...	Brother, here we go again.
-
-On Christmas day, you can't get sore;	Relations sparing no expense'll,
-Your fellow man you must adore;		Send some useless old utensil,
-There's time to rob him all the more,	Or a matching pen and pencil,
-The other three hundred and sixty-four!	Just the thing I need... how nice.
-
-It doesn't matter how sincere		Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
-It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;	Advertising wondrous things.
-Sentiment will not endear it;		God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
-What's important is... the price.	May you make the Yuletide pay.
-					Angels We Have Heard On High,
-Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;	Tell us to go out and buy.
-Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,	Sooooo...
-Driving his reindeer across the sky,
-Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Churchill's Commentary on Man:
-	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
-	but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
-%
-CIGARETTE:
-	A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
-	and a bit of tobacco in between.
-%
-CINEMUCK:
-	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
-	which covers the floors of movie theaters.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
-See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
-%
-Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-clairvoyant, n.:
-	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
-which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
-aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Clarke's Conclusion:
-	Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
-%
-Class, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class.
-Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
-		-- "Bugsy" Siegel
-%
-Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
-leading the parade.
-		-- Bill Battie
-%
-Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
-		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
-%
-Clay's Conclusion:
-	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
-%
-Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
-the walk before it stops snowing.
-		-- Phyllis Diller
-
-There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
-the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-Cleanliness is next to impossible.
-%
-CLEVELAND:
-	Where their last tornado did six
-	million dollars worth of improvements.
-%
-Cleveland?
-Yes, I spent a week there one day.
-%
-Climate and Surgery
-	R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
-received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
-the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
-day before - walking several blocks at a time.  To those who design to be
-riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
-recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
-%
-Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
-	"Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
-	"Well, yes, I am."
-	"Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
-	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
-me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
-passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
-please?" it asked the bartender.
-	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
-"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
-	"No, I'm a frayed knot."
-%
-clone, n:
-	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
-	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
-	is a clone of our product."
-%
-Clones are people two.
-%
-Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
-%
-Clothes make the man.
-Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
-	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
-	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
-	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
-%
-Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
-Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
-		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
-Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
-		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
-Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
-		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-%
-Coach: How's it going, Norm?
-Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
-		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
-
-Sam:   What's up, Norm?
-Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
-		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
-
-Coach: What's the story, Norm?
-Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
-		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
-%
-Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
-		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
-
-Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
-Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
-		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
-
-Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
-Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass
-      of whatever comes out of that tap.
-Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
-Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
-		-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
-%
-Coach: What's up, Norm?
-Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-
-Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
-Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Snow Job
-
-Coach:  Beer, Normie?
-Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
-        Eh, why not, I'm still young.
-		-- Cheers, Snow Job
-%
-COBOL:
-	An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
-%
-COBOL:
-	Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
-%
-COBOL is for morons.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
-%
-COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
-%
-Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a
-terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
-%
-Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
-I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Cohen's Law:
-	There is no bottom to worse.
-%
-Cohn's Law:
-	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
-	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
-	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
-%
-Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-COLD:
-	When the politicians walk around
-	with their hands in their own pockets.
-%
-Cold hands, no gloves.
-%
-Cole's Law:
-	Thinly sliced cabbage.
-%
-COLLABORATION:
-	A literary partnership based on the false
-	assumption that the other fellow can spell.
-%
-COLLEGE:
-	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
-%
-College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
-faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
-the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
-legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
-loss to humanity.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-COLORADO:
-	Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
-%
-Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
-%
-Column 1		Column 2		Column 3
-
-0. integrated		0. management		0. options
-1. total		1. organizational	1. flexibility
-2. systematized		2. monitored		2. capability
-3. parallel		3. reciprocal		3. mobility
-4. functional		4. digital		4. programming
-5. responsive		5. logistical		5. concept
-6. optional		6. transitional		6. time-phase
-7. synchronized		7. incremental		7. projection
-8. compatible		8. third-generation	8. hardware
-9. balanced		9. policy		9. contingency
-
-	The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
-the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces
-"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
-virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No
-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
-"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-		-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
-%
-Colvard's Logical Premises:
-	All probabilities are 50%.
-Either a thing will happen or it won't.
-
-Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
-	This is especially true when
-	dealing with someone you're attracted to.
-
-Grelb's Commentary:
-	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
-%
-Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
-And every vector dreams of matrices.
-Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
-It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
-Your winter garment of repentance fling.
-The bird of time has but a little way
-To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
-		-- Omar Khayyam
-%
-Come home America.
-		-- George McGovern, 1972
-%
-Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
-Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
-		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
-%
-Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
-Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
-Their indices bedecked from one to n,
-Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
-Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
-Their indices bedecked from one to n,
-Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
-
-Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
-And every vector dreams of matrices.
-Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
-It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
-
-In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
-Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
-Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
-We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
-		-- The Cyberiad
-%
-Come live with me, and be my love,
-And we will some new pleasures prove
-Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
-With silken lines, and silver hooks.
-		-- John Donne
-%
-Come live with me and be my love,
-And we will some new pleasures prove
-Of golden sands and crystal brooks
-With silken lines, and silver hooks.
-There's nothing that I wouldn't do
-If you would be my POSSLQ.
-
-You live with me, and I with you,
-And you will be my POSSLQ.
-I'll be your friend and so much more;
-That's what a POSSLQ is for.
-
-And everything we will confess;
-Yes, even to the IRS.
-Some day on what we both may earn,
-Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
-You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
-You'll share my life - up to a point!
-And that you'll be so glad to do,
-Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
-%
-Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
-		-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
-%
-Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
-		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
-%
-Come, you spirits
-That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
-And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
-Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
-Stop up the access and passage to remorse
-That no compunctious visiting of nature
-Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
-The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
-And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
-Wherever in your sightless substances
-You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
-And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
-That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
-Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
-To cry `Hold, hold!'
-		-- Lady MacBeth
-%
-Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
-%
-Coming to Stores Near You:
-
-101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
-
-	(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
-	It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
-	I'm Not Misbehaving
-
-And A Whole Lot More...
-%
-Coming together is a beginning;
-	keeping together is progress;
-		working together is success.
-%
-Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-COMMITMENT:
-	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
-	The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
-%
-Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
-		-- Josh Billings
-
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
-Everyone thinks he has enough.
-	-- Descartes, 1637
-%
-Commoner's three laws of ecology:
-	1) No action is without side-effects.
-	2) Nothing ever goes away.
-	3) There is no free lunch.
-%
-Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
-%
-Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
-has the ability to wear out.  Software typically behaves, or it does not.  It
-either works, or it does not.  Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
-stretch, twist, or ablate.  To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
-misapplication of our engineering skills.  Classical engineering deals with
-the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
-characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
-		-- Dan Klein
-%
-COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
-one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-		-- J.N. Gray
-%
-Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
-is in the eye of the beholder.
-		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's
-courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
-be enough.
-		-- Gene Scott
-%
-COMPLEX SYSTEM:
-	One with real problems and imaginary profits.
-%
-COMPLIMENT:
-	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
-%
-compuberty, n:
-	The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
-	computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
-	a sun4 is put online sharing files.
-%
-COMPUTER:
-	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
-	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
-	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
-%
-Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
-%
-Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
-%
-Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
-%
-COMPUTER SCIENCE:
-	1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
-	   precision of the former and the success of the latter.
-	2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
-	3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
-	4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
-	5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
-	6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
-%
-Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
-adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
-		-- Jim Horning
-%
-Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
-%
-Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
-Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
-		-- Gilb
-%
-Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
-		-- Pablo Picasso
-%
-Computers don't actually think.
-	You just think they think.
-		(We think.)
-%
-Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
-		-- LaRouchefoucauld
-%
-CONCEPT:
-	Any "idea" for which an outside
-	consultant billed you more than $25,000.
-%
-Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
-from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
-		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-Condense soup, not books!
-%
-CONFERENCE:
-	A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
-	what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
-	he's already decided to do.
-%
-Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
-confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
-%
-Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
-that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
-		-- Peter de Vries
-%
-Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
-the reputation.
-		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
-%
-Confidant, confidante, n:
-	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
-fall flag on your face.
-		-- Dr. L. Binder
-%
-Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
-%
-CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
-	A man who goes through life without a hitch.
-%
-Conflicting research paradigms
-Have legitimized various crimes.
-	The worst we can see
-	Is in psychology,
-Measuring reaction times.
-%
-Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
-%
-Confucius say too damn much!
-%
-Confucius say too much.
-		-- Recent Chinese Proverb
-%
-Confusion will be my epitaph
-as I walk a cracked and broken path
-If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
-but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
-		-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
-%
-Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
-If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
-hesitate to ask!
-%
-Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
-give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
-undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
-Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
-CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
-YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
-THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
-SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
-CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
-TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
-RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
-
-He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
-Year award.
-%
-Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
-
-	Mathematician's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all
-		odd numbers are prime.
-	Physicist's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental
-		error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
-	Engineer's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime.
-		11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
-	Computer Scientists's Proof:
-		3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime...
-%
-Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
-%
-Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
-when everything else feels great.
-%
-Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
-%
-Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
-%
-CONSENT DECREE:
-	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
-	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
-	never admitted to in the first place.
-%
-Conservative:
-	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-		-- Leo C. Rosten
-%
-Conservative, n:
-	A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
-	from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
-		-- Professor in the UCB physics department
-%
-Consider the following axioms carefully:
-	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
-	and
-	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
-What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
-thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
-consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
-%
-Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
-it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
-		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
-the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
-	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
-	of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
-	Calculator, Will Travel.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	An ordinary man a long way from home.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
-	(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
-	"insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
-	has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
-	and heavy wallet.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
-	lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
-%
-Consultants are mystical people who ask a
-company for a number and then give it back to them.
-%
-CONSULTATION:
-	Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
-%
-Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
-the new cliche of the date-rape furor:  "`No' always means `no'."  Will
-we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts?  "No" has always been, and always
-will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
-seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
-		-- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
-%
-"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
-if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Convention is the ruler of all.
-		-- Pindar
-%
-CONVERSATION:
-	A vocal competition in which the one who
-	is catching his breath is called the listener.
-%
-Conversation enriches the understanding,
-but solitude is the school of genius.
-%
-Conway's Law:
-	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
-	what is going on.
-
-	This person must be fired.
-%
-Cops never say good-bye.  They're always hoping to see you again in the
-line-up.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-COPYING MACHINE:
-	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
-	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
-	interested in reading them.
-%
-Coronation, n:
-	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
-	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Correspondence Corollary:
-	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
-	your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
-%
-CORRUPT:
-	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
-%
-Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
-of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
-capitalism.
-		-- Walter Lippmann
-%
-Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
-His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
-		-- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
-%
-Corry's Law:
-	Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
-%
-Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
-at people to save their core images before logging them out?  I'm sure
-the cattle prod would be effective in this regard.  In any case, a traverse
-mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
-being easier to stake.
-%
-Counting in binary is just like counting
-in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
-		-- Glaser and Way
-%
-Counting in octal is just like counting
-in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
-%
-Courage is grace under pressure.
-%
-Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Courage is your greatest present need.
-%
-court, n.:
-	A place where they dispense with justice.
-		-- Arthur Train
-%
-Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
-		-- William Congreve
-%
-COWARD:
-	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
-%
-[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
-with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
-%
-Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
-process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
-attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
-enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
-and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
-between adequacy and excellence.
-%
-Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
-peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
-ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
-say it was obvious all along.
-		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
-%
-Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
-%
-Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
-sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
-%
-Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
-		-- James Blish
-%
-CREDITOR:
-	A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
-%
-Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
-	If you are the first to know about something bad,
-	you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
-	regardless of your formal duties.
-%
-Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
-		-- A.E. Newman
-%
-CRITIC:
-	A person who boasts himself hard to please
-	because nobody tries to please him.
-%
-critic, n.:
-	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
-	to please him.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
-		-- Zeuxis
-%
-Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
-seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-		-- Socrates' last words
-%
-Croll's Query:
-	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
-%
-Cropp's Law:
-	The amount of work done varies inversly
-	with the time spent in the office.
-%
-Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
-		-- Madonna
-%
-Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
-	If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
-	will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
-	much work has already been done on it.
-%
-Crusade for Cthulhu!  It Found ME!
-%
-Crush!  Kill!  Destroy!
-%
-Cthulhu Cthucks!
-%
-Cthulhu for President!
-	(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
-%
-Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
-%
-Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
-%
-Cure the disease and kill the patient.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-CURSOR:
-	One whose program will not run.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
-environment.
-	The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
-addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
-matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
-people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart's "Don
-Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
-The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is
-the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
-order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
-Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
-check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
-possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10
-columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples
-cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
-with us.
-
-MOZ DONG n.
-	Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
-Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
-Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Custer committed Siouxicide.
-%
-Cut a man's hand when you fight him.  He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
-of his own blood.  That's when you stick him in the throat.
-		-- Gerry Youghkins
-
-If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
-don't like it.
-		-- Gerry Youghkins
-%
-Cutler Webster's Law:
-	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
-	is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
-%
-Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
-eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
-		-- Johnny Hart
-%
-CYNIC:
-	Experienced.
-%
-CYNIC:
-	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
-%
-Cynic, n:
-	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
-	not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the
-	Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
-several of us died of tuberculosis.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-DALLAS:
-	The city that chose Astroturf to
-	keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
-%
-Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
-%
-Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
-%
-"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!"
-%
-Damn braces.
-		-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
-%
-Damn, I need a Coke!
-		-- Dr. William DeVries
-		[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
-%
-DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
-%
-Dark and lonely on a summer night
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-The watchdog barkin'
-Do he bite?
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-Slip in his window.
-Break his neck.
-Then his house I start to wreck
-Got no reason,
-What the heck?
-	Kill my landlord,
-	Kill my landlord.
-	C-I-L-L my landlord!
-		-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
-%
-Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
-opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!
-		-- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
-%
-DATA:
-	An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
-%
-DATA:
-	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
-	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
-%
-David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
-
-	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
-	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
-	* Hourly motel rates
-	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
-	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
-		like some countries we could mention
-	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
-	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
-	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
-%
-Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
-	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
-	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
-%
-Davis's Dictum:
-	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
-%
-DAWN:
-	The time when men of reason go to bed.
-%
-Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
-%
-DEADWOOD:
-	Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
-%
-Dealing with failure is easy:
-	Work hard to improve.
-Success is also easy to handle:
-	You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
-%
-Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
-Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work
-hard to improve.
-%
-Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
-all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
-		-- C.N. Parkinson
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	How can I choose what groups to post in?
-		-- Confused
-
-Dear Confused:
-	Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After
-all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you
-should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
-Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
-	Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
-that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
-expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
-header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
-the fringe groups.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
-summarize.  What should I do?
-		-- Editor
-
-Dear Editor:
-	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
-that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the
-replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when
-summarizing a vote.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
-What should I do?
-		-- Doubtful
-
-Dear Doubtful:
-	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
-dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your postings are
-much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
-mail.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
-I do?
-		-- Angry
-
-Dear Angry:
-	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
-between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
-looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
-point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
-lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
-tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
-his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
-Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
-		-- A Concerned Citizen
-
-Dear Concerned:
-	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
-experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They
-will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
-represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all
-act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
-society.
-	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
-like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they
-understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
-literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
-possible.  If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
-they are always interested in good stories.
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
-to.  How about an example?
-		-- Still Confused
-
-Dear Still:
-	Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
-the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
-would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
-big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
-as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
-news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
-	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
-He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
-interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
-soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
-news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
-interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
-well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
-there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
-	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
-group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
-will only show the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
-	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
-What should I do?
-		-- Forgetful
-
-Dear Forgetful:
-	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
-"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here
-it is."
-	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
-(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
-signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more
-about the signature anyway.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily, what about test messages?
-		-- Concerned
-
-Dear Concerned:
-	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
-merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please
-ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
-a message with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
-but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
-by all USEnauts.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Freshman,
-	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
-unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
-prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
-mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
-%
-Dear Lord:
-	I just want a one-armed manager so I
-	never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
-%
-Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
-have to eat them.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
-elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
-courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
-
-Gentle Reader:
-	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
-economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle
-of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
-correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
-rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
-This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
-protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
-soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
-and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
-umbrella without seeming insulting?
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
-although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
-attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
-Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
-before making your attack.
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
-this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
-watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
-a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
-Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
-such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
-breakfast".  Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
-or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make
-essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
-shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
-
-Answer: Yes.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
-
-Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
-to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
-WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
-Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
-small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
-words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Dear Ms. Postnews:
-	I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
-	should I do?
-		-- Eager Beaver
-
-Dear Eager:
-	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
-read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
-posting it.  All others please ignore."
-	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
-over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
-time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
-maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
-your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
-directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
-as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
-	And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
-money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
-letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
-	Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
-so post it as many places as you can.
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Sir,
-	I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
-to the office,  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
-places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
-being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
-employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
-	Yours faithfully,
-	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
-	Sevenoaks
-		-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
-%
-DEATH:
-	To stop sinning suddenly.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Death before dishonor.
-But neither before breakfast.
-%
-Death comes on every passing breeze,
-He lurks in every flower;
-Each season has its own disease,
-Its peril -- every hour.
-	--Reginald Heber
-%
-Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
-%
-Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
-of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
-		-- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
-%
-Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
-%
-Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
-%
-Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-%
-Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
-%
-DEATH WISH:
-	The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
-%
-Debug is human, de-fix divine.
-%
-DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
-		-- Mel Ferentz
-%
-Decemba, n:	The 12th month of the year.
-erra, n:	A mistake.
-faa, n:		To, from, or at considerable distance.
-Linder, n:	A female name.
-memba, n:	To recall to the mind; think of again.
-New Hampsha, n:	A state in the northeast United States.
-New Yaak, n:	Another state in the northeast United States.
-Novemba, n:	The 11th month of the year.
-Octoba, n:	The 10th month of the year.
-ova, n:		Location above or across a specified position.  What the
-			season is when the Knicks quit playing.
-		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-DECISIONMAKER:
-	The person in your office who was unable
-	to form a task force before the music stopped.
-%
-Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
-whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may
-not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
-or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
-(unless struck by a boomerang).
-		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
-%
-Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
-		-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
-%
-Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion
-that your life is more interesting than it really is.
-		-- C. Schultz
-%
-"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
-marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
-quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
-claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
-		-- Randy Davis
-%
-DEFAULT:
-	The hardware's, of course.
-%
-Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
-		-- Bill Musselman
-%
-#define	BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
-#define	BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
-			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
-			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
-
--- Count the number of bits in a word.
-%
-Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
-%
-(defun NF (a c)
-  (cond ((null c) () )
-	((atom (car c))
-	  (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
-		 (nf a (cddr c))))
-	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
-
-(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
-  (cond
-   ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
-	(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
-	(lessp challenging 7)) () )
-   (t (append (nf  (get 'ad 'expr)
-	  '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
-	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
-	    (car 2 caadr 4)))
-      (list '851-5071x2661)))))
-;;;     We are an affirmative action employer.
-%
-DEJA VU:
-	French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
-	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
-	something actually being encountered for the first time.
-	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
-	something actually being encountered for the first time.
-%
-Delay is preferable to error.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
-
-Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to I/O system services.]
-%
-Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
-related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
-entails dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take
-into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
-to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The
-history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
-can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
-for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preparations
-are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
-		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
-
-I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
-more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
-with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
-child.
-		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
-%
-DELIBERATION:
-	The act of examining one's bread
-	to determine which side it is buttered on.
-%
-Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
-%
-Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
-skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
-to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
-overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
-apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
-as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
-steroid-free fitness center.
-		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
-her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
-nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
-%
-Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
-aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-		-- Senator Soaper
-%
-Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
-incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
-will get the blame.
-		-- Laurence J. Peter
-%
-Democracy is also a form of worship.
-It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
-	-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
-%
-Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
-of the people are right more than half of the time.
-		-- E.B. White
-%
-Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
-deserve to get it good and hard.
-	-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
-%
-Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
-forms that have been tried from time to time.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Democracy, n:
-	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting
-or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.  Attitude
-toward property is communistic... negating property rights.  Attitude toward
-law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
-upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
-restraint or regard to consequences.  Result is demagogism, license,
-agitation, discontent, anarchy.
-		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
-		   since withdrawn.
-%
-Democracy, n:
-	In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
-		-- Gerald Barry
-
-The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
-Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
-you don't have to waste your time voting.
-		-- Charles Bukowski
-%
-Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
-Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
-
-Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
-Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
-
-Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
-windows by Democrats.
-		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Dental health is next to mental health.
-%
-Dentist:
-	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
-	pulls coins out of one's pockets.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Denver, n:
-	A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
-%
-Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
-%
-Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
-%
-Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
-%
-Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
-but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
-		-- R.E. Shay
-%
-Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
-%
-Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
-und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
-%
-Design:
-	What you regret not doing later on.
-%
-design, v:
-	What you regret not doing later on.
-%
-Desist from enumerating your fowl
-prior to their emergence from the shell.
-%
-Despite all appearances, your boss
-is a thinking, feeling, human being.
-%
-Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
-be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
-the table.
-		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
-%
-Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
-don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-		-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
-%
-Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
-%
-DeVries' Dilemma:
-	If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
-	the one you don't want hits the paper.
-%
-Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
-fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
-		-- L. Ron Hubbard
-%
-Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
-	Some do, some don't.
-%
-Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
-and slim chance mean the same thing?
-
-Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
-%
-Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
-has already been born?
-		-- Benny Hill
-%
-Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
-that's how dogs spend their lives.
-		-- Sue Murphy
-%
-Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
-%
-"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-Did you hear about the model who sat
-on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
-%
-Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
-Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
-
-Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
-%
-Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
-the number zero?
-
-Is nothing sacred?
-%
-Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
-only recaptured 116 of them?
-%
-Did you know?
-		EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
-			   APPROXIMATELY
-		       150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
-			      KILLED
-
-		 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
-		  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-	-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
-
-A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
-
-			     SPONSORED BY
-		Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
-	       Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
-	      Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
-		   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
-
-Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
-%
-Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a
-selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not
-try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will
-select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
-set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
-should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
-%
-Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
-%
-Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
-		-- P.J. Plauger
-%
-Did you know the University of Iowa
-closed down after someone stole the book?
-%
-Did you know....
-
-That no-one ever reads these things?
-%
-Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
-Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
-It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
-Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
-		-- Lovin' Spoonful
-%
-Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
-%
-"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore
-would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-		-- John Barrymore's dying words
-%
-Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
-		-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
-%
-Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
-%
-Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
-%
-Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
-		-- Don Vonada
-%
-Dignity is like a flag.
-It flaps in a storm.
-		-- Roy Mengot
-%
-Dime is money.
-%
-Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
-only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity,
-for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
-%
-Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
-%
-Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
-	1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
-	1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
-	1 carton milk
-%
-Dinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.
-%
-Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
-truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
-%
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked him, after a few days.
-	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-%
-Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
-Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
-		-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
-		-- Daniele Vare
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-		-- Wynn Catlin
-%
-Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
-		-- Balfour
-%
-diplomacy, n:
-	Lying in state.
-%
-Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
-
-	1: Get elected.
-	2: Get re-elected.
-	3: Don't get mad, get even.
-		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
-%
-disbar, n:
-	As distinguished from some other bar.
-%
-Disc space -- the final frontier!
-%
-DISCLAIMER:
-Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
-an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
-%
-Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
-%
-Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
-%
-Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-Disk crisis, please clean up!
-%
-Disks travel in packs.
-%
-Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
-Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
-%
-Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
-but it does make you part of a larger picture.
-%
-DISTRESS:
-	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-%
-Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
-acquaintance and without any visible reason.
-		-- Lord Chesterfield
-%
-Ditat Deus.  (God enriches.)
-%
-Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
-		-- Cary Grant
-%
-Do clones have navels?
-%
-Do I like getting drunk?  Depends on who's doing the drinking.
-		-- Amy Gorin
-%
-Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
-%
-Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
-%
-Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
-%
-Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
-%
-Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
-		-- Aesop
-%
-Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome
-your obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
-a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding
-cold and hounds and traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any
-of them ever committed suicide.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
-Their tastes may not be the same.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
-%
-Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
-for they become soggy and hard to light.
-
-Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
-for they are subtle and quick to anger.
-%
-Do not overtax your powers.
-%
-Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
-Violators will be prosecuted.
-(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
-%
-Do not seek death; death will find you.
-But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
-		-- Dag Hammarskjold
-%
-Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
-can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
-%
-Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
-%
-Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
-%
-Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
-%
-Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
-%
-Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
-learn to dread each day as it comes.
-		-- Donald Kaul
-%
-Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
-%
-Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
-%
-Do not use that foreign word "ideals".  We have that excellent native
-word "lies".
-		-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
-%
-Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
-%
-Do not worry about which side your
-bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
-%
-Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
-%
-Do, or do not; there is no try.
-%
-Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
-%
-Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
-%
-Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
-%
-Do unto others before they undo you.
-%
-Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
-%
-Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
-		-- Aleister Crowley
-%
-Do what you can to prolong your life,
-in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
-%
-Do you believe in intuition?
-No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
-%
-Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
-Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
-Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
-Can you see your neck?
-Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
-If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
-This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
-	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
-		-- Garfield
-%
-Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
-%
-Do YOU have redeeming social value?
-%
-Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
-I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
-think.  There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
-think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
-like poison.  Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
-fun of them for it.  Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
-to think at all.
-		-- T.H. White
-%
-Do you know Montana?
-%
-Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education
-is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
-		-- Pete Seeger
-%
-Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
-answer, but a certain wrong answer?
-		-- Tobaben
-%
-Do you realize the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
-between Nixon and the White House.
-		-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
-%
-Do you suffer painful elimination?
-		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
-
-Do you suffer painful recrimination?
-		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
-
-Do you suffer painful illumination?
-		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
-
-Do you suffer painful hallucination?
-		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
-%
-Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-%
-Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
-just whipped out a quarter?
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-"Do you think there's a God?"
-"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
-		-- Calvin and Hobbes
-%
-"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
-"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
-"I've never done anything illegal before."
-"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
-%
-Do you think your mother and I should have lived
-comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
-%
-Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
-your business success?  Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror.  Is
-your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
-Are you slender enough for your height?  Do you stand erect, confident?
-Yes?  Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
-		-- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
-%
-Do your otters do the shimmy?
-Do they like to shake their tails?
-Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
-Is your garden full of snails?
-%
-Do your part to help preserve life on
-Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
-%
-Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
-little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
-		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-%
-Documentation:
-	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
-	speaking persons.
-%
-Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
-be good because the programmers hate it so much.
-%
-Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
-Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
-Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
-Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
-%
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-%
-Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
-and the rest of us.
-%
-Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
-%
-Doing gets it done.
-%
-Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
-%
-Don
-Ameche:	I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
-	Was she pretty?
-W.C.:	Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
-	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
-	to sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
-Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W.C.:	It's almost impossible.
-		-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
-		   Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
-Don't abandon hope.
-Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
-%
-Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
-have got him.
-%
-Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
-It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
-Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
-I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
-%
-Don't be humble, you're not that great.
-		-- Golda Meir
-%
-Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-%
-Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
-%
-Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
-%
-Don't buy a landslide.  I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
-than I have to.
-		-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
-%
-Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
-%
-Don't confuse things that need action
-with those that take care of themselves.
-%
-Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
-%
-Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
-%
-Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
-		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
-%
-Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
-Their tastes may not be the same.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
-%
-Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
-		-- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
-%
-Don't eat yellow snow.
-%
-Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
-%
-Don't everyone thank me at once!
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-Don't expect people to keep in step--
-it's hard enough just staying in line.
-%
-Don't feed the bats tonight.
-%
-Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
-		-- Anthony
-%
-Don't get even, get odd.
-%
-Don't get mad, get even.
-		-- Joseph P. Kennedy
-
-Don't get even, get jewelry.
-		-- Anonymous
-%
-Don't get mad, get interest.
-%
-Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
-%
-Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
-can be terribly misleading.  Debug only code.
-		-- Dave Storer
-%
-Don't get to bragging.
-%
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
-The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
-%
-Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
-		-- Baretta
-%
-Don't guess - check your security regulations.
-%
-Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
-%
-Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
-%
-Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
-%
-Don't I know you?
-%
-Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
-%
-Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
-		-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
-%
-Don't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
-%
-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
-%
-Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
-%
-Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
-Probably soon after she throws me out.
-%
-Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
-until you have hold of something else.
-		-- First Rule of Wing Walking
-%
-Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
-don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
-don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
-or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
-remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
-you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
-		-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
-%
-Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
-%
-Don't let your status become too quo!
-%
-Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
-%
-Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
-%
-Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
-%
-Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
-%
-Don't lose
-Your head
-To gain a minute
-You need your head
-Your brains are in it.
-		-- Burma Shave
-%
-Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
-%
-Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-		-- Scottish Proverb
-%
-Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
-%
-Don't plan any hasty moves.
-You'll be evicted soon anyway.
-%
-Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
-if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
-%
-Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Don't quit now, we might just as well
-lock the door and throw away the key.
-%
-Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
-%
-Don't read everything you believe.
-%
-Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
-%
-Don't remember what you can infer.
-		-- Harry Tennant
-%
-Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
-		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
-%
-Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
-%
-Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.
-		-- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
-%
-Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
-%
-Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
-%
-Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
-%
-Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
-		-- P. Skelly
-%
-Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
-		-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
-%
-Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
-%
-Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum,
-sodomy and the lash.
-	-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
-%
-Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-		-- James J. Ling
-%
-Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
-I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
-		-- Watchman Examiner
-%
-Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
-%
-Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
-with my breakfast cereal.
-		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
-%
-Don't vote - it only encourages them!
-%
-Don't wake me up too soon...
-Gonna take a ride across the moon...
-You and me.
-%
-Don't worry.  Life's too long.
-		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
-%
-Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
-%
-Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas
-are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-		-- Howard Aiken
-%
-Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
-It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-		-- Charles Schultz
-%
-Don't Worry, Be Happy.
-		-- Meher Baba
-%
-Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
-you can always take something for it.
-%
-Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
-They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
-%
-Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
-%
-Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
-%
-"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
-"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
-"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
-"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
-%
-Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
-want to help you could agree with each other?
-%
-Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
-%
-Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
-you through times of no dope.
-		-- Gilbert Shelton
-%
-Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
-Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people
-			without brains do an awful lot of talking.
-		-- The Wizard of Oz
-%
-Double!
-%
-Double Bucky, you're the one,
-You make my keyboard so much fun,
-Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
-Control and meta, side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
-Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Oh, I sure wish that I,
-Had a couple of bits more!
-Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
-
-Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
-Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-		-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
-		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
-		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
-%
-double-blind Experiment, n:
-	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
-fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied
-by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
-%
-Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
-		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
-%
-Down to the Banana Republics,
-Down to the tropical sun.
-Go the expatriated Americans,
-Hoping to find some fun.
-Some of them go for the sailing,
-Caught by the lure of the sea.
-Trying to find what is ailing,
-Living in the land of the free.
-Some of them are running from lovers,
-Leaving no forward address.
-Some of them are running tons of ganja,
-Some are running from the IRS.
-Late at night you will find them,
-In the cheap hotels and bars.
-Hustling the senoritas,
-While they dance beneath the stars.
-		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
-%
-Down with the categorical imperative!
-%
-Dow's Law:
-	In a hierarchical organization,
-	the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
-%
-Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
-by blood lost to the voracious mosquito.  The estimated life-expectancy
-of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes.  In that
-time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
-kill him.
-		-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
-%
-Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
-
-The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
-that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat.  Dr. Fritzkee's
-Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
-luxury that you never feel hungry.
-
-Here's how the diet works:
-
-	FOODS ALLOWED
-First Month:	One egg
-Second Month:	A raisin
-Third Month:	Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
-
-If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
-lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
-%
-Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
-%
-Dr. Livingston?
-Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
-%
-Draft beer, not people.
-%
-Drakenberg's Discovery:
-	If you can't seem to find your glasses,
-	it's probably because you don't have them on.
-%
-Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
-%
-Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
-%
-Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
-%
-Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
-	The first bug to hit a clean windshield
-	lands directly in front of your eyes.
-%
-Drilling for oil is boring.
-%
-Drink and dance and laugh and lie
-Love, the reeling midnight through
-For tomorrow we shall die!
-(But, alas, we never do.)
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
-%
-Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
-%
-Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
-instant motor skills.
-		-- Marc Price
-%
-Drinking is not a spectator sport.
-		-- Jim Brosnan
-%
-Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
-with, that it's compounding a felony.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
-that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
-		-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
-%
-Drive defensively, buy a tank.
-%
-Driving in Texas is simple.  For the first 100 miles you swerve to
-avoid jackrabbits.  For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
-jackrabbits get in the way.  After that you chase off into the
-brush after them.
-%
-Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
-of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
-seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
-priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
-"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car.  "Run for your
-life!"
-%
-Drop that pickle!
-%
-DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
-		-- The Adventurer
-%
-Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
-		-- The Adventurer
-%
-drug, n:
-	A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
-	paper.
-%
-Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
-%
-Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
-lot a poker.
-		-- Karyl Roosevelt
-%
-Ducharme's Precept:
-	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
-
-Ducharme's Axiom:
-	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
-	yourself as part of the problem.
-%
-Duckies are fun!
-%
-Ducks?  What ducks??
-%
-Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side,
-and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-		-- Carl Zwanzig
-%
-Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
-production of great leaders has been discontinued.
-%
-Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
-fate and captain of your soul.
-%
-Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
-%
-During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
-been upon trial.  What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
-pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
-in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
-		-- James Madison
-%
-During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
-several times, often with lin~po_~{po	 ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~
-{o[po	 ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
-%
-During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
-
-Q:	"Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
-		perform as president?"
-Reagan:	"I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
-		inexperience."
-%
-During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
-fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
-and fly your colors proudly.
-%
-Dustin Farnum:	Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
-Oliver Herford:	Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!
-		-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
-%
-Duty, n:
-	What one expects from others.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
-nothing whatever to do with it.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
-%
-Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
-		-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
-%
-Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
-%
-E Pluribus UNIX.
-%
-Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
-%
-Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
-		-- Kernighan
-%
-Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
-Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
-worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and
-imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
-typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
-the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central
-corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
-Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
-in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
-offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds
-a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
-then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother
-company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
-competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
-orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
-		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-Each of us bears his own Hell.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
-in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
-university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
-3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
-%
-Each person has the right to take the subway.
-%
-EARL GREY PROFILES
-
-NAME:		Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
-OCCUPATION:	Starship Big Cheese
-AGE:		94
-BIRTHPLACE:	Paris, Terra Sector
-EYES:		Grey
-SKIN:		Tanned
-HAIR:		Not much
-LAST MAGAZINE READ:
-		Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
-TEA:		Earl Grey.  Hot.
-
-EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
-%
-Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
-science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
-21st century aircraft:
-
-	"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog.  The pilot will
-	nurture and feed the dog.  The dog will be there to bite the
-	pilot if he touches anything.
-		-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
-%
-Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
-be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
-%
-Early to rise and early to bed makes
-a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
-%
-Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
-%
-/earth: file system full.
-%
-/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
-%
-Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
-		-- Jeff Berner
-%
-Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:	Black.
-
-Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
-side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
--- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
-%
-Easy come and easy go,
-	some call me easy money,
-Sometimes life is full of laughs,
-	and sometimes it ain't funny
-You may think that I'm a fool
-	and sometimes that is true,
-But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
-	with or without you.
-		-- Hoyt Axton
-%
-Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-		-- Harry Secombe's diet
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry!  Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
-%
-Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
-happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
-%
-Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
-will happen to you the rest of the day.
-
-[Well, actually, to either of you...  Ed.]
-%
-Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
-%
-Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
-%
-Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-economics, n.:
-	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Economies of scale:
-	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
-	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
-	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
-	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
-	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
-	those limitations.
-%
-economist, n:
-	Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
-	personality to become an accountant.
-%
-Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would
-turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
-percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Editing is a rewording activity.
-%
-Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
-demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.
-		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
-%
-Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
-time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
-%
-Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
-		-- Daniel J. Boorstin
-%
-Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
-		-- Irwin Edman
-%
-Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
-		-- B.F. Skinner
-%
-Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead
-to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
-of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
-royal-blue chickens.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
-The spirits are about to speak...
-%
-Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-Ego sum ens omnipotens
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
-to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
-		-- Bellamy Brooks
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
-%
-Egotism, n:
-	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
-
-Egotist, n:
-	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
-%
-Ehrman's Commentary:
-	1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
-	2.  Who said things would get better?
-%
-Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
-		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
-%
-...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
-original joy his falling in love with Ada.
-		-- Nabokov
-%
-Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
-God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
-engineer.
-		-- Fred Brooks
-%
-Eisenhower was very nice,
-Nixon was his only vice.
-		-- C. Degen
-%
-Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
-		-- Groucho Marx' last words
-%
-ELBONICS:
-	The actions of two people maneuvering for one
-	armrest in a movie theatre.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Eleanor Rigby
-Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
-Lives in a dream
-Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
-	make the machine do some more.
-What is it for?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-
-Hacker MacKensie
-Writing the code for a program that no one will run
-It's nearly done
-Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
-	nobody there.
-What does he care?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-%
-ELECTRIC JELL-O
-
-2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
-2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
-1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
-
-Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
-	fully dissolved.
-Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
-Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
-	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
-Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
-Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
-	the faint of heart.
-Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
-Cut into squares and enjoy!
-
-WARNING:
-	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
-	children under eight years of age.
-%
-Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
-%
-Electrocution, n:
-	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
-%
-Elegance and truth are inversely related.
-		-- Becker's Razor
-%
-Elephant, n:
-	A mouse built to government specifications.
-%
-Elevators smell different to midgets.
-%
-Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
-	In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
-	frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
-	are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
-	minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
-	compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
-	lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
-	of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
-%
-Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
-In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
-	"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!"
-Half asleep, Eli murmured,
-	"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
-%
-Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
-%
-Elliptical, n:
-	The feel of a kiss.
-%
-Eloquence is logic on fire.
-%
-Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
-Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
-%
-Emacs, n:
-	A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
-%
-Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
-	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
-	what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them
-	for it.
-%
-Encyclopedia for sale by father.
-Son knows everything.
-%
-Encyclopedia Salesmen:
-	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
-	and tell them your house is being burgled.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Endless Loop: n.	see Loop, Endless.
-Loop, Endless: n.	see Endless Loop.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
-Endless the quest;
-I turn again, back to my own beginning,
-And here, find rest.
-%
-Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order.  Fair Game.  May be deprived of
-property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
-of the Scientologist.  May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
-		-- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
-%
-Engineering:    "How will this work?"
-Science:        "Why will this work?"
-Management:     "When will this work?"
-Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
-%
-English literature's performing flea.
-		-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
-%
-Engram, n:
-	1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
-2. A particular memory in physical form.  [Usage note:  this term is no longer
-in common use.  Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
-of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
-psychologists, and even computer scientists.  In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
-and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
-conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
-thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros.  Human memory
-was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
-ASCII strings.  Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
-time.]
-		-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
-		   3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
-%
-enhance, v:
-	To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
-%
-Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
-%
-Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
-%
-Entrepreneur, n:
-	A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
-	be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
-%
-Entropy isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Entropy requires no maintenance.
-		-- Markoff Chaney
-%
-Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
-		-- Onasander
-%
-Envy, n:
-	Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
-	instead of having to try and acquire one.
-%
-Enzymes are things invented by biologists
-that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
-		-- Jerome Lettvin
-%
-Equal bytes for women.
-%
-Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
-		-- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
-%
-Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
-	"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
-%
-Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
-	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
-Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
-	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
-%
-Eschew obfuscation.
-%
-Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
-		-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
-%
-E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)
-%
-Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
-		-- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
-fashion for those with no taste.
-%
-Etymology, n:
-	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
-	were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
-	formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
-	and 'logy' ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are
-	hard to swallow."
-		-- Mike Kellen
-%
-Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
-Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
-		-- Goethe, "Faust"
-%
-Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
-the world.  Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
-Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
-Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
-Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
-Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
-make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
-them at their own expense.  Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
-a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley.  Sniffing
-the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
-they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
-over roulette.
-		-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
-%
-Eureka!
-		-- Archimedes
-%
-Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
-%
-Even a cabbage may look at a king.
-%
-Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
-%
-Even a man who is pure at heart,
-And says his prayers at night
-Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
-And the moon is full and bright.
-		-- The Wolf Man, 1941
-%
-Even God cannot change the past.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
-		-- Menander
-%
-Even if you do learn to speak correct
-English, whom are you going to speak it to?
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
-		-- Aristophanes
-%
-Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
-When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
-Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
-And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
-Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
-To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
-Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
-I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
-I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
-Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
-A fairer summer and a later fall
-Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
-And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
-I tell you this across the blackened vine.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
-		   Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
-%
-Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
-%
-Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous...
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
-		-- Kehlog Albran
-%
-Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
-		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
-States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
-%
-Events are not affected, they develop.
-		-- Sri Aurobindo
-%
-Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
-%
-Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
-bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
-%
-Ever get the feeling that the world's
-on tape and one of the reels is missing?
-		-- Rich Little
-%
-Ever notice that even the busiest people are
-never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
-%
-Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
-Simple coincidence?
-Maybe...
-%
-Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!
-That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
-We're big but bigger we will be,
-We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
-Has been our aim.
-Our products now are known in every zone.
-Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
-We've fought our way thru
-And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
-For the Ever Onward IBM!
-		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!
-We're bound for the top to never fall,
-Right here and now we thankfully
-Pledge sincerest loyalty
-To the corporation that's the best of all
-Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
-Let's show the world just what we think of them!
-So let us sing men -- Sing men
-Once or twice, then sing again
-For the Ever Onward IBM!
-		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-Ever since I was a young boy,
-I've hacked the ARPA net,
-From Berkeley down to Rutgers,		He's on my favorite terminal,
-Any access I could get,			He cats C right into foo,
-But ain't seen nothing like him,	His disciples lead him in,
-On any campus yet,			And he just breaks the root,
-That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,		Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
-Sure sends a mean packet.		Never uses lint,
-					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
-					Sure sends a mean packet.
-He's a UNIX wizard,
-There has to be a twist.
-The UNIX wizard's got			Ain't got no distractions,
-Unlimited space on disk.		Can't hear no whistles or bells,
-How do you think he does it?		Can't see no message flashing,
-I don't know.				Types by sense of smell,
-What makes him so good?			Those crazy little programs,
-					The proper bit flags set,
-					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
-					Sure sends a mean packet.
-		-- UNIX Wizard
-%
-Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
-%
-Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
-
-Because newspapers are read too.
-Two and Two is four.
-Four and four is eight.
-Eight and four is twelve.
-There are twelve inches in a ruler.
-Queen Mary was a ruler.
-Queen Mary was a ship.
-Ships sail the sea.
-There are fishes in the sea.
-Fishes have fins.
-The Fins fought the Russians.
-Russians are red.
-Fire engines are always rush'n.
-Therefore fire engines are red.
-%
-Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
-technology?  U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
-The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
-computer technology during World War II.  At the C.W. Post Center of Long
-Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
-trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth.  At Harvard
-one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
-"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I.  "Things were going badly;
-there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
-computer," she said.  "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
-ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth.  From then on, when
-anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."  Hopper
-said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
-them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
-Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
-question."
-		[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
-		regard to problems with radio hardware.  Ed.]
-%
-Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
-Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
-%
-Every cloud engenders not a storm.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Every cloud has a silver lining;
-you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
-%
-Every country has the government it deserves.
-		-- Joseph De Maistre
-%
-Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
-%
-Every day it's the same thing -- variety.  I want something different.
-%
-Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
-%
-Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
-signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
-spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
-genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not
-a way of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it
-is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-		-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
-%
-Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
-		-- Don Vonada
-%
-Every love's the love before
-In a duller dress.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
-%
-Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
-or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
-Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
-only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
-subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
-own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
-by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
-philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
-but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
-in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
-		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
-%
-Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Every man takes the limits of his own field
-of vision for the limits of the world.
-		-- Schopenhauer
-%
-Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich
-and powerful know that he is.
-		-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
-%
-Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
-that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
-and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
-essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged.  The natural
-inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
-forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
-		-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
-%
-Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
-it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
-		-- Barrie
-%
-Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
-than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
-It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
-It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
-up, you'd better be running.
-%
-Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
-%
-Every night my prayers I say,
-	And get my dinner every day;
-And every day that I've been good,
-	I get an orange after food.
-The child that is not clean and neat,
-	With lots of toys and things to eat,
-He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
-	Or else his dear papa is poor.
-		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
-But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
-when they aren't.
-
-	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
-	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
-	When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
-	When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
-%
-Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
-the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
-sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
-		-- Morris Kline
-%
-Every path has its puddle.
-%
-Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
-drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
-instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
-can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
-%
-Every program has (at least) two purposes:
-	the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
-%
-Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
-%
-Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
-eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
-bend a disk.
-		-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
-		   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
-		   of their movement.
-%
-Every successful person has had failures
-but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
-%
-Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
-		-- Jean Baechler
-%
-Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
-%
-Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
-%
-Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
-%
-Every time you manage to close the door on
-Reality, it comes in through the window.
-%
-Every why hath a wherefore.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
-%
-Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
-		-- Beckett
-%
-Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
-the best one.
-		-- Jack Hurley
-%
-Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
-called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all
-the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
-otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
-and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.
-Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
-	"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
-a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
-you're fired.  As of right now."
-	Sam signed the papers immediately.
-	"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
-couldn't have signed earlier?"
-	"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
-clearly before."
-%
-Everybody has something to conceal.
-		-- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
-if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
-%
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their
-fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the
-good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
-poor, the rich get rich.  That's how it goes.  Everybody knows.
-
-Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain
-lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
-just died.
-
-Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates
-and long stem rose.  Everybody knows.
-
-Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really
-do.  Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
-two.  Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
-you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows.
-
-And everybody knows it's now or never.  Everybody knows that it's me or you.
-And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
-Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
-for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows.
-	-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
-%
-Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
-		-- Arthur Miller
-%
-Everybody needs a little love sometime;
-stop hacking and fall in love!
-%
-Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
-%
-Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
-to be taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
-%
-Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
-%
-Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
-%
-Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
-%
-Everyone is in the best seat.
-		-- John Cage
-%
-Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
-		-- Rudyard Kipling
-%
-Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
-formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
-scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
-wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist.  Indeed, the banality of
-existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
-to discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
-the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
-the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were
-all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
-different way...
-%
-Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
-to get them.
-		-- Dirty Harry
-%
-Everyone was born right-handed.
-Only the greatest overcome it.
-%
-Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
-	1. They want it quick.
-	2. They want it good.
-	3. They want it cheap.
-I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
-		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
-%
-Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
-%
-Everything bows to success, even grammar.
-%
-Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
-%
-Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.
-%
-Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
-		-- Alexander Woollcott
-%
-Everything in this book may be wrong.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Everything is controlled by a small evil group
-to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
-%
-Everything is possible.  Pass the word.
-		-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
-%
-Everything might be different in the present
-if only one thing had been different in the past.
-%
-Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
-%
-Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
-%
-Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
-		-- Erwin Tomash
-%
-Everything that can be invented has been invented.
-		-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
-%
-Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
-%
-Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
-%
-Everything you know is wrong!
-%
-Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
-rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
-		-- Erwin Knoll
-%
-Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
-obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
-solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
-There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
-straight lines.
-	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Everything's great in this good old world;
-(This is the stuff they can always use.)
-God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
-(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
-Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
-Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
-Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
-(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
-%
-Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My
-opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller
-that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-		-- Flannery O'Connor
-%
-Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
-Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
-Everyone is looking for the answer,
-Well look again.
-		-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
-%
-Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil
-of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Evolution is a million line computer
-program falling into place by accident.
-%
-Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
-the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
-evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
-doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present
-life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
-as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with
-respect to theories about how the process operates.
-		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
-%
-Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
-the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
-		-- C.C. Colton
-%
-Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
-It is the only thing.
-		-- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-Excellent day for drinking heavily.
-Spike the office water cooler.
-%
-Excellent day to have a rotten day.
-%
-Excellent time to become a missing person.
-%
-Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
-		-- Miller
-%
-Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
-customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
-
-Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."
-Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
-%
-Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
-acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
-%
-Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-		-- Marcus Aurelius
-%
-Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
-%
-Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
-%
-Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
-and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
-%
-Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
-%
-Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
-%
-Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
-%
-Expedience is the best teacher.
-%
-Expense accounts, n:
-	Corporate food stamps.
-%
-Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
-		-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
-%
-Experience is not what happens to you;
-it is what you do with what happens to you.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
-you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-		-- Franklin Jones
-%
-Experience is the worst teacher.  It always
-gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
-%
-Experience is what causes a person
-to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
-%
-Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
-%
-Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
-%
-Experience, n:
-	Something you don't get until just after you need it.
-		-- Olivier
-%
-Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
-particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
-%
-Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
-%
-Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
-%
-External Security:
-%
-Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples
-of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
-but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings
-that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
-argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
-and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
-neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
-handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
-than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
-offer more plausible alternatives.
-		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
-		   Implications for Psi Phenomena".
-%
-Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
-%
-Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
-of justice is no virtue.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
-%
-F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
-%
-FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
-%
-Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
-%
-Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
-		-- Sven Italla
-%
-Facts are the enemy of truth.
-		-- Don Quixote
-%
-Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Failed Attempts To Break Records
-	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
-the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
-he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
-doesn't even shout at me."
-	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
-record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
-	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
-after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
-"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
-	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
-the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
-drone got waterlogged," he said.
-	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
-dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
-had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
-%
-Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
-		-- Sir Walter Raleigh
-%
-Fairy tale:
-	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
-%
-Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
-%
-Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
-on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
-%
-Faith is under the left nipple.
-		-- Martin Luther
-%
-Faith, n:
-	That quality which enables us to
-	believe what we know to be untrue.
-%
-Fakir, n:
-	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
-	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
-	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
-%
-Falling in Love
-	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
-love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
-light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
-and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
-these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
-good idea to check with your doctor.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Falling in love is a lot like dying.
-You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
-%
-Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
-restraint.
-		-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
-%
-Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
-the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
-autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
-		-- Marlo Thomas
-%
-Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
-%
-Familiarity breeds attempt.
-%
-Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Families, when a child is born
-Want it to be intelligent.
-I, through intelligence,
-Having wrecked my whole life,
-Only hope the baby will prove
-Ignorant and stupid.
-Then he will crown a tranquil life
-By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-		-- Su Tung-p'o
-%
-Famous last words:
-%
-Famous last words:
-	1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
-	2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
-	3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
-	4: We won't need reservations.
-	5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
-	6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
-	7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
-	8: Don't worry!  Women love it!
-%
-Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
-forgotten your aim.
-		-- George Santayana
-%
-"Fantasies are free."
-"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
-%
-Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
-former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
-
-Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
-reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
-were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
-and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
-from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
-deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
-was the Empire forged.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
-%
-Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
-Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.  Orbiting this
-at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
-insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
-so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
-neat idea.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
-stressful than divorce.
-		-- Wall Street Journal
-%
-Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
-it every six months.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
-		-- Victor Hugo
-%
-Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
-%
-Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
-		-- Bill Cosby
-%
-Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-%
-Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
-%
-Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
-Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
-%
-Fats Loves Madelyn.
-%
-Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
-Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
-		-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
-%
-FEAR:
-	What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
-%
-Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
-		-- H.S. Thompson
-%
-Fear is the greatest salesman.
-		-- Robert Klein
-%
-feature, n:
-	A surprising property of a program.  Occasionally documented.  To
-	call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
-	consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
-	not necessarily wrong response.  See BUG.  "That's not a bug, it's
-	a feature!"  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
-%
-Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
-potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
-disadvantaged.
-%
-Feel disillusioned?
-I've got some great new illusions, right here!
-%
-Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
-it's Microsoft!"
-%
-Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
-An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
-Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
-Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
-I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
-A singular development of cat communications
-That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
-For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
-A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
-You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
-And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion,
-It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
-Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
-Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
-And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
-I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
-	-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
-%
-Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring
-you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
-to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or
-other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
-list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add
-yours to the bottom of the list.
-
-Don't break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San
-Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
-his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent
-out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
-build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
-this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
-her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
-
-Don't break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today!
-%
-Female rabbits:
-	The gift that just "keeps on giving."
-%
-FENDERBERG:
-	The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
-	of car fenders during snowstorms.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Ferguson's Precept:
-	A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
-%
-Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents
-didn't have any children, neither will you.
-%
-Fess:	Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
-	a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
-Rod:	Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn't that the
-	basic difference between robots and humans?
-Fess:	What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
-Rod:	No, the ability to get hung up on them.
-		-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
-%
-Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Fidelity, n:
-	A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
-%
-Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
-Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
-Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
-Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
-		-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
-%
-Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
-	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
-Corollary:
-	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
-%
-File cabinet:
-	A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
-%
-filibuster, n:
-	Throwing your wait around.
-%
-Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Finagle's Creed:
-	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
-%
-Finagle's Eighth Law:
-	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-
-Finagle's Ninth Law:
-	No matter what results are expected,
-	someone is always willing to fake it.
-
-Finagle's Tenth Law:
-	No matter what the result someone
-	is always eager to misinterpret it.
-
-Finagle's Eleventh Law:
-	No matter what occurs, someone believes
-	it happened according to his pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
-	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
-
-Finagle's Second Law:
-	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
-
-Finagle's Fourth Law:
-	Once a job is fouled up,
-	anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
-
-Finagle's Fifth Law:
-	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
-
-Finagle's Sixth Law:
-	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Finagle's Seventh Law:
-	The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
-%
-Finagle's Third Law:
-	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
-	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
-
-Corollaries:
-	1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
-	2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
-	   don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
-%
-Finality is death.
-Perfection is finality.
-Nothing is perfect.
-There are lumps in it.
-%
-Fine day for friends.
-So-so day for you.
-%
-Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
-%
-Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
-%
-Finster's Law:
-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-%
-First Law of Bicycling:
-	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
-%
-First law of debate:
-	Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
-%
-First Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
-	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
-	imposed the deadline).
-
-Fifth Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
-	there is nothing important to do.
-%
-First Law of Socio-Genetics:
-	Celibacy is not hereditary.
-%
-First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
-self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
-%
-First Rule of History:
-	History doesn't repeat itself --
-	historians merely repeat each other.
-%
-First rule of public speaking.
-	First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
-	then tell 'em;
-	then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
-%
-First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
-But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
-Dial-A-Wombat.
-	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
-call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
-phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
-	Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
-the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
-	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
-	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
-bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
-	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
-another phone booth.
-	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
-	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
-released it, too, in the scrub.
-	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
-telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
-	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
-and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
-	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
-telephone booths.
-		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
-%
-"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
-"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
-and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
-trees to prove their manhood.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Fishbowl, n:
-	A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
-	promoted managers are kept for observation.
-%
-Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-		-- Jimmy Cannon
-%
-Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
-		-- Adolfo Guzman
-%
-Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-		-- Robert Firth
-%
-Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
-Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
-I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
-And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
-Yes, I'm goin' insane,
-And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
-Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
-	Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
-	Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
-	Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
-You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
-You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
-Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
-That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
-Yes, and goin' insane,
-You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
-Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
-(chorus)
-		-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
-%
-Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
-were each asked to write a book on elephants.  Some amount of time later they
-had all completed their respective books.  The Englishman's book was entitled
-"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
-the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
-"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
-Irish Political History".
-%
-Five rules for eternal misery:
-	1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
-	2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
-	   treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
-	3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
-	4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
-	   how much better things might have been or how much worse
-	   things might become).
-	5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
-	   follow the first four rules.
-%
-Flame on!
-		-- Johnny Storm
-%
-FLANNISTER:
-	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-FLASH!
-Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
-Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
-%
-Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-Flattery will get you everywhere.
-%
-Flee at once, all is discovered.
-%
-Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-Flon's Law:
-	There is not now, and never will be, a language in
-	which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
-%
-flowchart, n. & v.
-	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
-	"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
-	1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
-	construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
-	representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
-	template.  2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
-	3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate
-	misleading the illiterate.  "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
-	of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
-	5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
-	6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
-		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Flugg's Law:
-	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
-	that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
-%
-Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
-%
-Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
-Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
-%
-Fog Lamps, n:
-	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
-	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
-	driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
-%
-"Follow me around.  I don't care.  I'm serious.  If anybody wants to put a
-tail on me, go ahead.  They'd be very bored."
-		-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
-		   commenting on rumors of womanizing.
-%
-Foolproof Operation:
-	No provision for adjustment.
-%
-Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
-%
-Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce
-a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
-%
-Football combines the two worst features of American life.
-It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball"
-%
-Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
-		-- Jimmy Breslin
-%
-For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
-%
-For a light heart lives long.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-For adult education nothing beats children.
-%
-For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
-since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
-%
-For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
-%
-For courage mounteth with occasion.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
-%
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-		-- Harrison
-%
-For every bloke who makes his mark,
-there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
-		-- Andy Capp
-%
-For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-		-- R. Clopton
-%
-For every human problem, there is a neat,
-plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu.  But if
-you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
-not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is
-that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
-when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
-1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
-'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
-		-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
-%
-For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
-%
-For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
-and cook.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
-		-- Alexander Pope
-%
-For gin, in cruel
-Sober truth,
-Supplies the fuel
-For flaming youth.
-		-- Noel Coward
-%
-For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
-%
-For good, return good.
-For evil, return justice.
-%
-For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
-		-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
-%
-For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
-but with break of day I went to make supplication.
-		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
-%
-For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
-despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
-implacable grandeur of this life.
-		-- Albert Camus
-%
-For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
-As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
-But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
-He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
-Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
-And no quarrel a knight ought to take
-But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
-		-- Stephen Hawes
-%
-For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
-and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
-		-- Sir Thomas More
-%
-For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
-get themselves filed.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in
-the same room and let them fight it out.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I
-put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
-the results of this evening's experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful
-power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
-and bad music may be put on record forever.
-		-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
-%
-For people who like that kind of book,
-that is the kind of book they will like.
-%
-FOR SALE:
-	Parachute.  Used once.
-	Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
-%
-For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
-"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
-		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
-%
-For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
-%
-For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
-massive jobs of a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the
-last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
-		-- Jehan Shuman
-%
-For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
-each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
-was a gate.
-		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to system overview.]
-
-%
-For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
-This gives me great hope for the human race.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
-%
-For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
-neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
-		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to powerfail recovery.]
-%
-For they starve the frightened little child
-Till it weeps both night and day:
-And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
-And gibe the old and grey,
-And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
-And none a word may say.
-
-Each narrow cell in which we dwell
-Is a foul and dark latrine,
-And the fetid breath of living Death
-Chokes up each grated screen,
-And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
-In Humanity's machine.
-
-And all men kill the thing they love,
-By all let this be heard,
-Some do it with a bitter look,
-Some with a flattering word,
-The coward does it with a kiss,
-The brave man with a sword.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
-When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
-him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
-spend my evenings?"
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
-'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
-recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
-protected species.
-	Ingredients:
-	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
-	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
-	  1 teaspoonful salt
-	  8 oz. shredded suet
-	  2 small onions
-	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
-
-	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
-overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
-the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
-gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
-half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
-salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
-swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
-available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
-four to five hours.
-%
-For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-For three days after death hair and fingernails
-continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
-I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
-But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
-Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-		-- Justin Richardson.
-%
-Force has no place where there is need of skill.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-"Force is but might," the teacher said--
-"That definition's just."
-The boy said naught but thought instead,
-Remembering his pounded head:
-"Force is not might but must!"
-%
-Force it!!!
-If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
-No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
-%
-FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
-%
-Forecast, n:
-	A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
-	which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
-%
-Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
-%
-Forgetfulness, n:
-	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
-	their destitution of conscience.
-%
-Forgive and forget.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-Forgive him,
-for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
-And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
-%
-FORTH IF HONK THEN
-%
-FORTRAN is a good example of a language
-which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
-		-- D. Gries
-		[What's good about it?  Ed.]
-%
-FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
-%
-FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
-occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-		-- A.J. Perlis
-%
-FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
-		-- Steven Feiner
-%
-FORTRAN rots the brain.
-		-- John McQuillin
-%
-FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
-inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
-too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
-hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
-in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
-to use.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
-probably for at least the next decade.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
-%
-Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
-the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
-of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
-responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
-or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
-claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
-provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
-the accepted body of scientific evidence.
-		-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
-		   No. 2, pg. 215
-%
-Fortune and love befriend the bold.
-		-- Ovid
-%
-FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
-
-Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
-A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
-	my dissertation to rhyme.
-%
-FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
-
-Q:	Is God a myth?
-A:	No, He's a mythter.
-%
-fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14
-
-Low Blows:
-	Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
-of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
-hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
-
-Dressing Up:
-	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
-garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
-for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
-weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
-party".
-
-David Letterman:
-	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
-Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
-haircut.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16
-
-Relationships:
-	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
-refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
-basis".
-	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
-her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
-she will get on with her life.
-	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
-breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
-wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
-hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
-always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
-drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
-community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
-these classes rarely prove effective.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17
-
-Shoes:
-	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
-boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
-of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.
-
-Making friends:
-	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
-	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
-sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
-psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
-sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
-jerk, I guess you're OK."
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2
-
-Desserts:
-	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
-work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
-she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
-grabbing the cherry in the center.
-
-Car repair:
-	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
-manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
-himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
-fixed without special tools".
-	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
-accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
-car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
-the average man.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4
-
-Weddings:
-	When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
-Men talk about "the bachelor party".
-
-Clothes:
-	Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
-he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
-the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
-the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
-them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
-	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
-They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5
-
-Trust:
-	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
-around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
-she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
-OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
-one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
-his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
-of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
-so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
-
-Driving:
-
-	A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
-the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
-him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
-to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
-Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
-shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
-price their policies accordingly.
-	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
-rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
-her makeup.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6
-
-Bathrooms:
-	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
-shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
-The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
-would not be able to identify most of these items.
-
-Groceries:
-	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
-and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
-are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
-everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
-his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
-Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8
-
-Going Out:
-	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
-out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
-to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
-checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
-
-Cats:
-	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
-looking, men kick cats.
-
-Offspring:
-	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
-about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
-and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
-aware of some short people living in the house.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9
-
-Laundry:
-	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
-of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
-years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
-he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
-of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
-the laundromat.  This is a myth.
-
-Nicknames:
-	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
-they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
-Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
-refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
-
-Socks:
-	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
-Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
-of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
-
-CARTABLANCA:
-	Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
-	only Mexican beer.  Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
-	trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
-	wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
-	fit to be sold.  Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
-	which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
-
-MONOPOLI:
-	Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
-	games.  The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
-	another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
-	Boardwalk property.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
-
-O.E.D.:				David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
-
-	Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
-	shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif
-	tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
-	the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning.
-	With Julie Christie.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
-
-MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
-	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
-	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
-	into your heart.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
-
-WITLESS:
-	Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
-	of his career.  Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
-	run from corrupt officials.  He is wounded and then nursed back to
-	health by Amish Mennonites.  Fearful that they might unwittingly
-	reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
-
-THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
-	This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
-	forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
-	make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
-	of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
-	and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton gives
-	a glowing performance.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
-
-RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
-	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
-	and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
-	man-eating hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
-
-OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
-	This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
-	frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
-	Africa" is showing.  Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
-	Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
-	younger viewers.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
-	The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
-	appliance, which invites them to play.  The Smurfs learn a valuable
-	(if sometimes fatal) lesson.
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
-	The inevitable sequel.  The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
-	Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
-	of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
-	becoming rather greasy smoke.  Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
-
-THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:	Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
-
-	Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
-	everything from "timeless" to "endless."  (Remade by Gene
-	Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
-supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
-more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
-negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
-negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
-as that in support of an affirmative.
-		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
-left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
-seems to us that someone has been very careless.
-		-- 78 So. 365.
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
-may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
-species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
-of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
-revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
-it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
-		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#1
-
-skilled oral communicator:
-	Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak.  Talks to self.
-	Argues with self.  Loses these arguments.
-
-skilled written communicator:
-	Scribbles well.  Memos are invariable illegible, except for
-	the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
-
-growth potential:
-	With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
-	the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
-	the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
-
-key company figure:
-	Serves as the perfect counter example.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#4
-
-consistent:
-	Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
-	that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
-
-an excellent sounding board:
-	Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
-	them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
-
-a planner and organizer:
-	Usually manages to put on socks before shoes.  Can match the
-	animal tags on his clothing.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#9
-
-has management potential:
-	Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
-	reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
-	pencil monitor.
-
-inspirational:
-	A true inspiration to others.  ("There, but for the grace of God,
-	go I.")
-
-adapts to stress:
-	Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
-	situation.
-
-goal oriented:
-	Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
-	to meet them.
-%
-Fortune favors the lucky.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
-
-	Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write the instructions.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
-
-	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
-	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
-	Cowboy cheerleaders.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
-
-	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
-	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
-	Juliet, this bud's for you.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
-
-	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
-	you've made happy.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
-
-	Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
-	No, I guess not.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
-
-	Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
-
-	"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?"
-	It's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
-
-	A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
-%
-fortune: No such file or directory
-%
-fortune: not found
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
-
-^Cu vi parolas angle?			Do you speak English?
-Mi ne komprenas.			I don't understand.
-Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi	You're the only Esperanto speaker
-	renkontas.				I've met.
-La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita.		The check is in the mail.
-Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi.		You can't miss it.
-Mi nur rigardadas.			I'm just looking around.
-Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo.			Well, it seemed like a good idea.
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
-
-^Cu tiu loko estas okupita?		Is this seat taken?
-^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien?		Do you come here often?
-^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron?	May I have your phone number?
-Mi estas komputilisto.			I work with computers.
-Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio.	I read a lot of science fiction.
-^Cu necesas ke vi eliras?		Do you really have to be going?
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
-
-Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus		I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
-	^cevalon.
-Vere vi ^sercas.			You must be kidding.
-Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!			Well exCUUUUUSE me!
-Kiu invitis vin?			Who invited you?
-Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?		What did you say about my mother?
-Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.		Gag me with a spoon.
-%
-FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS:	#4
-
-Socrates:		I DRANK WHAT!?!?
-Tarzan:			Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
-Al Capone:		There's a violin in my violin case!
-Pilot, TWA Fl. #343:	What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
-
-A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
-Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
-
-A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
-Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
-
-A:	To be or not to be.
-Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
-
-A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
-Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
-
-A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
-Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
-
-A:	Go west, young man, go west!
-Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
-
-A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
-Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
-%
-FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
-
-	"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
-		-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
-%
-FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
-
-	"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
-		-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
-%
-Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
-
-Try:
-	ar t "God"
-	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell)
-	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD)
-	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell)
-	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell)
-	rm God
-	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell)
-	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD)
-	make "heads or tails of all this"
-	who is smart
-						(C shell)
-	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
-	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
-%
-Fortune's current rates:
-
-	Answers				.10
-	Long answers			.25
-	Answers requiring thought	.50
-	Correct answers			$1.00
-
-	Dumb looks are still free.
-%
-Fortune's diet truths:
-1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
-2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
-3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
-    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
-4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
-    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
-5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
-    appealing as tepid beer.
-6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
-7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
-    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
-    it isn't.
-8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
-9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
-10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
-11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
-    swallowing.
-%
-Fortune's Exercising Truths:
-
-1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don't.
-2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks.
-3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
-4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
-5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
-    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as
-    you twitter around in your chair.
-6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
-7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
-    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
-    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
-8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
-    followed by one throw-up.
-9.  Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
-	Christmas Rum Cake
-
-1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
-1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
-1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
-2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
-2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts
-
-Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
-select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
-must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
-of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
-mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
-and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
-Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
-of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
-beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
-for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
-seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
-Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
-strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
-Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
-poothtick comes out crean.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#1
-	A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
-	A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
-	A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
-	A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
-	    rather than a spotted one.
-	Peanuts are not really nuts.  The majority of nuts grow on trees
-		while peanuts grow underground.  They are classified as a
-		legume-part of the pea family.
-	A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
-	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
-Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37
-	Can you name the seven seas?
-		Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
-		North Pacific, South Pacific.
-	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
-		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44
-	Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
-
-In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
-there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
-flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
-	According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
-at least once a year.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
-
-The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
-can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
-	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
-his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
-ability in that particular field."
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
-
-In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
-at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
-	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
-	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
-movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
-right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
-
-	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
-a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
-%
-Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
-
-August 27, 1949:
-	A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
-	Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
-What to do...
-    if reality disappears?
-	Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
-	can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.
-
-    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
-    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
-	Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
-	Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
-	younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
-	expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
-	behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
-	when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
-What to do...
-    if you get a phone call from Mars:
-	Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
-	your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
-	speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
-
-    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
-	Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
-	If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
-	or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
-	calling.
-
-    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
-	Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
-	he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
-	conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
-	charges may have been reversed.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
-What to do...
-    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
-	First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
-	film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
-	you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
-	they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
-	Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
-	wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.
-
-    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
-    closet contains an alternate dimension?
-	Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
-	and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
-	and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
-	wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
-	an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
-%
-Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
-
-WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE:
-
-Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608
-of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
-combination of beauty and power.  Few have
-excelled him in the use of the English language,
-or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
-'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
-single poem ever written."
-
-Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now
-doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are
-of some of Roosevelt's policies...		directly traceable to the
-						bungling and greed of President
-						Roosevelt.
-
-... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a
-not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist.
-%
-Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
-goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an impassioned
-House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
-sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
-and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
-
-Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
-	  having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
-Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
-Dingell: "They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter is
-	  that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
-	  amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
-	  fertilization."
-Hoffman: "Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
-	  teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
-%
-FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
-
-	Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
-your good liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert
-and light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
-drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
-
-Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
-the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
-the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments
-in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
-incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
-never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
-memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
-done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand
-the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
-you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact,
-the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
-
-	1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
-	2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
-	3: When replying to one of your own memos.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
-
-	Never goose a wolverine.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
-
-	Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
-%
-Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
-%
-Four be the things I am wiser to know:
-Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
-
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-
-Three be the things I shall never attain:
-Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
-
-Three be the things I shall have till I die:
-Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-		-- Inventory
-%
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
--- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
-%
-Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
-tombstones, women and competitors.
-		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
-%
-Four hours to bury the cat?
-Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
-%
-Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
-ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
-This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
-		-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn
-%
-Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
-	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
-	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
-
-Corollary:
-	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
-	study for that instructor's course.
-%
-Fourth Law of Revision:
-	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
-	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
-	for you.
-%
-Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
-		-- Rhett Buggler
-%
-Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
-		-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
-%
-Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
-		-- A Yippie Proverb
-%
-Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
-%
-Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-%
-Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
-		-- Camus
-%
-Freedom is slavery.
-Ignorance is strength.
-War is peace.
-		-- George Orwell
-%
-Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
-%
-Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
-		-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
-%
-Fremen add life to spice!
-%
-Fresco's Discovery:
-	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
-%
-Friction is a drag.
-%
-Fried's 1st Rule:
-	Increased automation of clerical function
-	invariably results in increased operational costs.
-%
-Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-		-- Thomas Jones
-%
-Friends, n:
-	People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
-
-	People who know you well, but like you anyway.
-%
-Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
-Let me clue you in;
-I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
-The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
-The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
-The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
-If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
-And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
-Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
-	real cool cat;
-So are they all, all cool cats, --
-Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
-%
-Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
-over the other.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
-your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
-%
-From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
-		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
-%
-From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
-That is the point that must be reached.
-		-- F. Kafka
-%
-From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
-%
-From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-From the crystal swirling waters,
-Of the Rio Amazon,
-To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
-Where we stand pajamas on.	(It's the only thing that rhymes.)
-From ev'ry hallowed venue,
-Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
-Your butt is on the menu
-And the check is in the mail.
-		-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
-%
-From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
-convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-From too much love of living,
-From hope and fear set free,
-We thank with brief thanskgiving,
-Whatever gods may be,
-That no life lives forever,
-That dead men rise up never,
-That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
-		-- Swinburne
-%
-F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
-	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
-Hemingway:
-	"Yes.  They have more money."
-%
-Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
-	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
-%
-Fun experiments:
-	Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
-	Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
-	bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
-%
-Fun Facts, #14:
-	In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how
-	it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
-%
-Fun Facts, #63:
-	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
-	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
-	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
-	1510.
-%
-Function reject.
-%
-Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
-%
-FURBLING:
-	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
-	even when you are the only person in line.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-furbling, v:
-	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
-	even when you are the only person in line.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-		-- H.H. Williams
-%
-Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
-but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
-%
-Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
-%
-Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
-	Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
-there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
-%
-Garbage In - Gospel Out.
-%
-Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
-our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
-		-- Adventures of Asterix
-%
-Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
-
-Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
-harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
-	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
-Obvious, isn't it?
-	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
-speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
-long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
-your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
-so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
-individuals and then grow....
-	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
-signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
-everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
-the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
-backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
-I think not, my friend, I think not.
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	A day to take the initiative.  Put the garbage out, for
-	instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners.  Watch
-	the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
-	in it today, either.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
-	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while you
-	can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
-	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
-	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
-%
-GENDERPLEX:
-	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
-	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-genderplex, n:
-	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
-	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
-	tortoises).
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-GENEALOGY:
-	An account of one's descent from an ancestor
-	who did not particularly care to trace his own.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-General notions are generally wrong.
-		-- Lady M.W. Montagu
-%
-Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
-		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
-%
-Generic Fortune.
-%
-Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
-%
-Genetics explains why you look like your father,
-and if you don't, why you should.
-%
-GENIUS:
-	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
-%
-GENIUS:
-	Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
-	time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
-	all the right things to all the right people.
-%
-Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
-		-- Owen Meredith
-%
-Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
-		-- Thomas Alva Edison
-%
-Genius is pain.
-		-- John Lennon
-%
-Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
-%
-Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
-%
-Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-genius, n:
-	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
-	"bright".
-%
-genlock, n:
-	Why he stays in the bottle.
-%
-Gentlemen,
-	Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
-to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
-with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
-thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
-	We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
-manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
-I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
-Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
-exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
-	Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
-for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
-confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
-regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This reprehensible carelessness
-may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France,
-a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
-	This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
-my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
-why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.  I construe that perforce it
-must be one of two alternative duties, as given below.  I shall pursue either
-one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
-	1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
-of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
-	2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
-		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
-		   London, 1812
-%
-Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
-old girl friend.
-%
-George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
-his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
-	"Bring a friend, if you have one."
-
-Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
-had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
-	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
-%
-George Orwell was an optimist.
-%
-George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
-have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
-		-- Ashley Cooper
-%
-George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
-me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
-	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
-	At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
-and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
-No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
-George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
-the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
-Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
-	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
-yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
-	"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
-gonna get on Labor Day."
-%
-(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
-one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added,
-"And he didn't understand me."
-%
-Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
-	1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
-	2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
-	3) The energy required to change either one of these states
-	   will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
-	   much as to make the task totally impossible.
-%
-Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
-%
-Get GUMMed
-----------
-
-The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
-(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
-directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep each other by the
-hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
-forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
-sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
-ramifications of whodo.  Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
-of all the user-friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You
-Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
-"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
-Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
-GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
-them.
-		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
-%
-Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
-		-- Dylan Thomas
-%
-Getting into trouble is easy.
-		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
-%
-Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
-out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
-		-- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
-		   of the American Bar Association
-%
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-
-Corollary:
-	Following the rules will not get the job done.
-%
-Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
-%
-Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
-
-'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
-Snatch them from their little housies (...)
-First we chase them 'round the field (...)
-Then we have them for a meal (...)
-
-Toss them here and catch them there (...)
-See them flying through the air (...)
-Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
-Falling mice have great appeal (...)
-
-See the hunter stretched before us (...)
-He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
-Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
-Of the blood of little critters (...)
-%
-Gilbert's Discovery:
-	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
-	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
-%
-Gil-galad was an Elven-King
-of him the harpers sadly sing;
-the last whose realm was fair and free
-between the Mountains and the Sea.
-
-His sword was long, his lance was keen,
-his shining helm afar was seen;
-the countless stars of heaven's field
-were mirrored in his silver shield.
-
-But long ago he rode away,
-and where he dwelleth none can say;
-for into darkness fell his star
-in Mordor where the shadows are.
-%
-Ginger Snap
-%
-Ginsberg's Theorem:
-	1. You can't win.
-	2. You can't break even.
-	3. You can't even quit the game.
-
-Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
-
-	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
-	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
-	Theorem.  To wit:
-
-	1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
-	2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
-	3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
-%
-Ginsburg's Law:
-	At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
-big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
-%
-GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
-%
-Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
-Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
-		-- Calvin Keegan
-%
-Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
-that everything he encounters needs pounding.
-%
-Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
-%
-Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down
-that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
-%
-Give him an evasive answer.
-%
-Give me a fish and I will eat today.
-Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
-%
-Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
-dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
-%
-Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
-%
-Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-Give me libertines or give me meth.
-%
-Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
-Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
-But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
-Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
-		-- George Canning
-%
-Give me your students, your secretaries,
-Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
-The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
-Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
-I lift my disk beside the processor.
-		-- Inscription on a Word Processor
-%
-Give thought to your reputation.
-Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
-%
-GIVE UP!!!!
-%
-Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
-%
-Give your very best today.
-Heaven knows it's little enough.
-%
-Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
-		-- William Faulkner
-%
-Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
-Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
-		-- John Gilmore
-%
-Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
-%
-Given sufficient time, what you put
-off doing today will get done by itself.
-%
-Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
-rather lie around.  No contest.
-		-- Eric Clapton
-%
-Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
-car keys to teenage boys.
-	-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages
-whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits
-LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-GLEEMITES:
-	Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
-	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
-	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
-	some useful work done.
-%
-Gloffing is a state of mine.
-%
-Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
-	fifth of dry red wine
-	fifth of Aquavit
-	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
-	10 cardamom seeds
-	1 cup raisins
-	4 dried figs
-	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
-	a few pieces of dried orange peel
-	5 cloves
-	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
-	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
-for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
-the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
-strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
-Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
-hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
-	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
-if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
-extraction.
-%
-Go ahead... make my day.
-		-- Dirty Harry
-%
-Go ahead, make my day.
-		-- Harry Callahan
-%
-Go away, I'm all right.
-		-- H.G. Wells' last words.
-%
-Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
-"compute this ... compute that"!  I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
-
-logout
-%
-Go climb a gravity well.
-%
-Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
-%
-Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
-		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
-%
-Go on writing plays, my boy.  One of these days a London producer will go
-into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
-morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
-start on the rubbish."  And that's your chance, my boy.
-		-- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
-%
-Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
-		-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
-%
-Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
-but quickly to their misfortunes.
-		-- Chilo
-%
-Go to a movie tonight.
-Darkness becomes you.
-%
-Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
-all your troubles.
-		-- Andrew Jackson
-
-The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
-teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
-in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-
-Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
-religious sentiment.  Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
-on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
-secure which is not supported by moral habits.
-		-- Daniel Webster
-%
-Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
-%
-Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
-		-- Wally Shawn
-%
-GOD:
-	Darwin's chief rival.
-%
-God created a few perfect heads.
-The rest he covered with hair.
-%
-God created woman.
-And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
-but many other things ceased as well.
-Woman was God's second mistake.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
-around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
-%
-God gave man two ears and one tongue so
-that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-		-- Arab proverb
-%
-God gives burdens; also shoulders.
-
-	Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
-at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
-saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
-though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
-%
-God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
-change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
-%
-God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
-The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
-not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
-not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
-and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
-not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in the
-morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
-		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more
-that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
-		-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
-%
-God help those who do not help themselves.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-God helps them that helps themselves.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
-%
-God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
-but by pains and contradictions.
-		-- De Caussade
-%
-God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
-%
-God is a polytheist.
-%
-God is Dead.
-		-- Nietzsche
-Nietzsche is Dead.
-		-- God
-Nietzsche is God.
-		-- Dead
-%
-God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
-		-- Ralph Moonen
-%
-God is love, but get it in writing.
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-God is not dead.  He is alive and well and working on a
-much less ambitious project.
-%
-God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
-%
-God is real, unless declared integer.
-%
-God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
-elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
-other things.
-		-- Pablo Picasso
-%
-God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-		-- Alfred Jarry
-%
-God isn't dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.
-%
-God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
-%
-God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
-		-- Paul Valery
-%
-God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
-%
-God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-		-- Kronecker
-%
-God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
-%
-God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
-%
-God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
-%
-God rest ye CS students now,		The bearings on the drum are gone,
-Let nothing you dismay.			The disk is wobbling, too.
-The VAX is down and won't be up,	We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
-Until the first of May.			Can't tell false from true.
-The program that was due this morn,	And now we find that we can't get
-Won't be postponed, they say.		At Berkeley's 4.2.
-(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-We've just received a call from DEC,	And now some cheery news for you,
-They'll send without delay		The network's also dead,
-A monitor called RSuX			We'll have to print your files on
-It takes nine hundred K.		The line printer instead.
-The staff committed suicide,		The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
-We'll bury them today.			And only cards are read.
-(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-And now we'd like to say to you		CHORUS:	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
-Before we go away,				Comfort and joy,
-We hope the news we've brought to you		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
-Won't ruin your whole day.
-You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
-(chorus)
-		-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
-%
-God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
-and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
-		-- William Bragg
-%
-God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
-%
-God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
-%
-God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
-to receive it.
-		-- Austin O'Malley
-%
-God votes Republican.
-%
-God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Goda's Truism:
-	By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
-	somebody moves the ends.
-%
-Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
-%
-Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
-make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
-%
-Gold, n:
-	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
-	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
-	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
-	although gold hasn't done anything to them.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Goldenstern's Rules:
-	1.  Always hire a rich attorney.
-	2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
-%
-Goldfish... what stupid animals.  Even Wayne Cody stops
-eating before he bursts.
-%
-Gold's Law:
-	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-Gomme's Laws:
-	(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
-	(2) Time accelerates.
-	(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
-%
-Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
-	-- by Margaret Mitchell
-
-	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
-
-Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
-	-- by O. Henry
-
-	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
-
-The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
-	-- by Ernest Hemingway
-
-	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
-
-Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
-	-- by Anne Frank
-
-	A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
-%
-Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
-%
-Good advice is something a man gives
-when he is too old to set a bad example.
-		-- La Rouchefoucauld
-%
-Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
-%
-Good day for business affairs.
-Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
-%
-Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
-%
-Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
-%
-Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
-%
-Good day to deal with people in high places;
-particularly lonely stewardesses.
-%
-Good day to let down old friends who need help.
-%
-Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
-at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
-ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
-song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
-%
-Good, fast, and cheap.  Choose any two.
-%
-Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
-%
-Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
-those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
-will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
-government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
-		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
-%
-"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
-%
-Good judgement comes from experience.
-Experience comes from bad judgement.
-		-- Jim Horning
-%
-Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
-%
-Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're
-giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
-at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
-%
-Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
-%
-Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
-%
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-%
-Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
-%
-Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
-%
-Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
-new lover.
-%
-Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
-		-- R.E. Schenk
-%
-Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
-		-- Gail Godwin
-%
-Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
-		-- George Saunders' dying words
-%
-Goodbye, cool world.
-%
-Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
-tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
-misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps.  If I had not known
-that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
-my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
-my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
-holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
-		-- George Lincoln Rockwell
-%
-Gordon's Law:
-	If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
-%
-gossip, n:
-	Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
-%
-Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
-Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
-
-	1-800-AUDITME
-%
-Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.
-%
-Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
-I went out for a ride and never came back.
-Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
-I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
-
-	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
-	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
-	Lay down your money and you play your part,
-	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
-
-I met her in a Kingstown bar,
-We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
-We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
-Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
-
-Everybody needs a place to rest,
-Everybody wants to have a home.
-Don't make no difference what nobody says,
-Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
-		-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
-%
-Got Mole problems?
-Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
-%
-Gourmet, n:
-	Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
-	revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
-	leaving the best part.
-%
-Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know any
-more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
-know much.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
-any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
-doesn't know much.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Government's Law:
-	There is an exception to all laws.
-%
-Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
-leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
-board.
-		-- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Grabel's Law:
-	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
-%
-Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
-%
-Graduate students and most professors are
-no smarter than undergrads.  They're just older.
-%
-Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke
-he exclaimed:
-	"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
-	or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Grandpa Charnock's Law:
-	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-
-	[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
-%
-Graphics blind the eyes.
-Audio files deafen the ear.
-Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
-Heuristics weaken the mind.
-Options wither the heart.
-
-The Guru observes the net
-but trusts his inner vision.
-He allows things to come and go.
-His heart is as open as the ether.
-%
-GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
-	A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
-%
-Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
-		-- Joseph Alsop
-%
-GRAVITY:
-	What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
-%
-Gravity brings me down.
-%
-Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
-%
-Gray's Law of Programming:
-	'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
-	accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
-
-Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
-	'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
-%
-Great acts are made up of small deeds.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Great American Axiom:
-	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
-
-On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
-place of residence.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751
-
-Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915
-
-Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
-%
-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-
-They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they
-also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-		-- Carl Sagan
-%
-Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
-%
-Green light in A.M. for new projects.
-Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
-%
-Green's Law of Debate:
-Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
-%
-Grelb's Reminder:
-	Eighty percent of all people consider
-	themselves to be above average drivers.
-%
-grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
-%
-Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
-value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Griffin's Thought:
-	When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
-%
-Grig (the navigator):
-	... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
-	armada.
-Alex (the gunner):
-	What?!?
-Grig:	I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
-	overwhelming odds.
-Alex:	It'll be a slaughter!
-Grig:	That's the spirit!
-		-- The Last Starfighter
-%
-Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
-	At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
-%
-Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
-groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
-better with the House of Representatives.  A popular story circulating
-during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
-"Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the house."
-	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
-maybe, but not in the House."
-%
-Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
-		-- Maurice Chevalier
-%
-Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
-reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one.  Its traditional
-concerns are all pubescent.  Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
-disguised.  Aliens have tentacles.  Telepathy allows you to have sex without
-any nasty inconvenience of touching.  Womblike spaceships provide balanced
-meals.  No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
-Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot.  As for the
-adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
-authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
-television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests.  The most popular
-sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
-combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
-universe while straddling a giant worm.
-		-- Arnold Klein
-%
-Grub first, then ethics.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-GUILLOTINE:
-	A French chopping center.
-%
-Gumperson's Law:
-	The probability of a given event
-	occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
-%
-Guns don't kill people.  Bullets kill people.
-%
-Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
-	(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
-	     the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
-	(2)  The strength of the turbulence
-	     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
-%
-GURMLISH:
-	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
-	the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-gurmlish, n.:
-	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
-	prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
-	of his mouth.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-GURU:
-	A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
-	a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
-	phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
-%
-guru, n:
-	A computer owner who can read the manual.
-%
-gy-ro-scope:
-	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
-	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
-	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
-	two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
-	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
-	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
-	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
-	of the axis of spin.
-		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
-%
-hacker, n:
-	Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
-things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
-philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
-	In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
-of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
-a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
-and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
-
-		Hacker's Fight Song
-
-		He's a Hack!  He's a Hack!
-		He's a guy with the happy knack!
-		Never bungles, never shirks,
-		Always gets his stuff to work!
-
-All take a drink (important!)
-%
-Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
-%
-Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
-2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
-	really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
-1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
-	strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
-1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
-8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
-	can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
-"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to
-	join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
-	merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
-	and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric
-	beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
-	the ceiling(3m).
-"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You
-	just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
-	If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
-	GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
-"...and refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
-	for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
-	by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
-%
-Hacker's Law:
-	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
-	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-%
-Hackers of the world, unite!
-%
-Hacker's Quicky #313:
-	Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
-	Microwave Egg Roll
-	Chocolate Milk
-%
-Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
-%
-"Had he and I but met
-By some old ancient inn,		But ranged as infantry,
-We should have sat us down to wet	And staring face to face,
-Right many a nipperkin!			I shot at him as he at me,
-					And killed him in his place.
-I shot him dead because --
-Because he was my foe,			He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
-Just so: my foe of course he was;	Off-hand-like -- just as I --
-That's clear enough; although		Was out of work -- had sold his traps
-					No other reason why.
-Yes; quaint and curious war is!
-You shoot a fellow down
-You'd treat, if met where any bar is
-Or help to half-a-crown."
-		-- Thomas Hardy
-%
-Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
-useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
-		-- Alfonso the Wise
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to operating system initialization.]
-%
-Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
-fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
-%
-Hail to the sun god
-He's such a fun god
-Ra! Ra! Ra!
-%
-Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
-%
-Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that
-a big enough majority in any town?
-		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
-%
-Hale Mail Rule, The:
-	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
-	one of the following:
-			(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
-			(b) Stationery.
-			(c) Postage stamp.
-			(d) The letter you are answering.
-%
-Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
-But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?
-But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
-When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
-%
-Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
-%
-Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
-%
-Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
-and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
-%
-half-done, n:
-	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
-	light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this
-	and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
-	difference between life and death.
-
-	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
-	in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
-	fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
-	transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
-	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
-	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
-	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
-%
-Hall's Laws of Politics:
-	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
-	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
-	    something fixed.
-	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
-	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
-	    their own districts).
-%
-hand, n:
-	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
-	arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-%
-Handel's Proverb:
-	You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
-%
-handshaking protocol, n:
-	A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
-	terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
-	occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
-%
-Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-hangover, n:
-	The wrath of grapes.
-%
-Hanlon's Razor:
-	Never attribute to malice
-	that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
-%
-Hanson's Treatment of Time:
-	There are never enough hours in a day,
-	but always too many days before Saturday.
-%
-Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
-%
-happiness, adv:
-	An agreeable sensation arising
-	from contemplating the misery of another.
-%
-happiness, adv:
-	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
-%
-Happiness is a hard disk.
-%
-Happiness is a positive cash flow.
-%
-Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-		-- Ingrid Bergman
-%
-Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
-%
-Happiness is the greatest good.
-%
-Happiness is twin floppies.
-%
-Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
-%
-Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
-		-- Oscar Levant
-%
-Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
-%
-Happy feast of the pig!
-%
-Happy is the child whose father died rich.
-%
-hard, adj:
-	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
-	of other people.
-%
-Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
-		-- Daniel Dennett
-%
-Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
-%
-Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-		-- Charlie McCarthy
-%
-Hardware:
-	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-%
-Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
-and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
-sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
-	Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
-hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
-lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
-not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seek fortune,
-for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
-	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-%
-hardware, n:
-	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-%
-Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
-The Duke is fond of kittens
-He likes to take their insides out
-And use them for his mittens
-		-- The Thirteen Clocks
-%
-Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
-Advertising wondrous things.
-
-Angels we have heard on High
-Tell us to go out and Buy.
-%
-Harp not on that string.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Harriet's Dining Observation:
-	In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
-	increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
-%
-Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
-and I were waiting with our plates ready.
-	"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
-the gravy with."
-	The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
-reach one out.  We were not five seconds getting it.  When we looked round
-again, Harris and the pie were gone!
-	It was a wide, open field.  There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
-hundreds of yards.  He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
-on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
-	George and I gazed all about.  Then we gazed at each other.
-	"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
-	"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
-	There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
-theory.
-	"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
-to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
-	And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
-hadn't been carving that pie."
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
-%
-Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
-	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
-	equipment ruined.
-%
-Harrison's Postulate:
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-%
-Harris's Lament:
-	All the good ones are taken.
-%
-Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.  The game, as
-always, was close.  They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
-required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green.  There
-were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
-feet beyond it.  Harry went first.  He carefully addressed the ball and hit
-a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
-pond.  Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
-procession along the road just behind the green.  Fred put down his club,
-took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass.  As soon as
-the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
-again.  Harry said, "Damn, Fred.  That was a really nice thing you did,
-waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
-	Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball.  It
-was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole.  "It's the least I
-could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
-you know."
-%
-Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
-all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
-its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
-romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
-wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
-amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
-We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
-We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
-milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the
-sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
-with all that pep and vitality.
-%
-Hartley's First Law:
-	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
-	get him to float on his back, you've got something.
-%
-Hartley's Second Law:
-	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-%
-HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
-	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-
-My corollary:
-	The completely psychotic have all the fun.
-%
-Harvard Law:
-	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
-	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
-	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-%
-HARVARD:
-Quarterback:
-	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
-a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinski
-has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
-has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
-Wide Receiver:
-	The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
-Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
-fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
-or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
-asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
-those times.
-YALE:
-Defense:
-	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
-Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
-Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
-the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
-out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
-coin toss.
-		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
-%
-Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
-%
-"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
-"Yes; I don't have one."
-"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
-		-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
-%
-Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
-defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
-non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
-	Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
-still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
-serves to blunt the warning signs.
-
-	Long live the revolution!
-	Have a nice day.
-%
-Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
-with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
-was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
-It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
-but a lot harder than it appears.
-%
-Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
-appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
-and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels?  Then let us
-not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
-incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Haste makes waste.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Hatcheck girl:
-	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!"
-Mae West:
-	"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
-		-- "Night After Night", 1932
-%
-Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is
-stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
-%
-Hate the sin and love the sinner.
-		-- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
-unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
-		-- Mike Royko
-%
-hatred, n:
-	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
-%
-Have a coke and a smile!
-		-- John DeLorean
-%
-Have a nice day!
-%
-Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
-%
-Have a place for everything and keep the thing
-somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Have a taco.
-		-- P.S. Beagle
-%
-Have at you!
-%
-Have no friends not equal to yourself.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-Have the courage to take your own thoughts
-seriously, for they will shape you.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
-halfway between an oven and a pasture?
-walking in a trance toward a pregnant
-	seventeen-year-old housewife's
-	two-day-old cookbook?
-		-- Richard Brautigan
-%
-Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
-
-Well, I haven't.  I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
-she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
-whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
-So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
-remain so.
-		-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
-%
-Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
-to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
-never find the time for play?
-%
-Have you flogged your kid today?
-%
-Have you locked your file cabinet?
-%
-Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
-vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
-%
-Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can
-photograph an American with his mouth shut!
-%
-Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
-Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
-In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
-Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
-
-How can you tell me you're lonely,
-And say for you the sun don't shine?
-Let me take you by the hand
-Lead you through the streets of London
-I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
-
-Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
-Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
-In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
-For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
-%
-Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
-On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
-High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
-Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
-If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
-Why don't you go where fashion sits,
-...
-Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
-Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
-Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
-Or umberellas, in their mitts,
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-...
-If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
-Why don't you go where fashion sits,
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-%
-Having a baby isn't so bad.  If you're a female Emperor penguin
-in the Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
-then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
-eats.  For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
-blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet.  After
-the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
-		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
-%
-Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
-%
-Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
-		-- Martin Mull
-%
-Having no talent is no longer enough.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
-		-- Socrates
-%
-Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
-relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
-the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
-	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
-dog, too!"
-%
-"Hawk, we're going to die."
-"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
-		-- M*A*S*H
-%
-Hawkeye's Conclusion:
-	It's not easy to play the clown
-	when you've got to run the whole circus.
-%
-He:	Do you like Kipling?
-She:	Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know!  I've never kippled!
-%
-He:	"If I made love to you, would you yell?"
-She:	"What do you want me to yell?"
-		-- Benny Hill
-%
-HE:	Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
-SHE:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-		-- Walt Kelley
-%
-He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-		-- S. Wright
-%
-He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all
-the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
-		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
-%
-He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
-%
-He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
-finer than the staple of his argument.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
-%
-He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
-perfectly delightful.
-		-- Sydney Smith
-%
-He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
-and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
-all hope of ever behaving "normally."
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-He has been known by many names;  the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
-Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
-		-- Stig's Inferno
-%
-He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
-		-- Bion
-%
-He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
-of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
-said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
-		-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
-%
-He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
-		-- John LeCarre
-%
-He is considered a most graceful speaker
-who can say nothing in the most words.
-%
-He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
-%
-He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-He is the best of men who dislikes power.
-		-- Mohammed
-%
-He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
-%
-He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
-%
-He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
-%
-He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
-		-- Sir Richard Burton
-%
-He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
-once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
-%
-He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-		-- Ring Lardner
-%
-He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
-		-- Andrew Lang
-%
-He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
-had fallen to the ground.
-		-- The Book of Serenity
-%
-(He opens a tolm and begins.)
-
-	It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
-	Already I am stopped.  It seems absurd.
-	The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
-	I must translate it otherwise.
-	If I am well inspired and not blind.
-	It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
-	Ponder that first line, wait and see,
-	Lest you should write too hastily.
-	Is the Mind the all-creating source?
-	It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
-	Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
-	That my translation must be changed again.
-	The spirit helps me.  Now it is exact.
-	I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
-		-- Goethe's Faust
-%
-[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
-		-- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
-
-My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
-		-- Peter Stack, movie review
-
-His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
-		-- John Stark, movie review
-%
-He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
-		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
-%
-He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
-And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-		-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
-%
-He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
-%
-He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-		-- Scottish proverb.
-%
-He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
-%
-He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
-%
-He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
-		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
-%
-He thought he saw an albatross
-That fluttered 'round the lamp.
-He looked again and saw it was
-A penny postage stamp.
-"You'd best be getting home," he said,
-"The nights are rather damp."
-%
-He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
-three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
-In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
-slashing his abdomen with a knife.  Just as the pupil was about to comply,
-the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
-		-- Eric Van Lustbader
-%
-[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
-a complete set.
-		-- Ring Lardner
-%
-He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
-%
-He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he
-made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she
-disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
-dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he
-told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-He was part of my dream, of course --
-but then I was part of his dream too.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
-%
-He was the sort of person whose personality
-would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
-%
-He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
-%
-He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
-broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
-		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
-%
-He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
-the human condition is a fool.
-		-- Albert Camus
-%
-He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
-		-- Sinbad
-%
-He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
-%
-He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
-%
-He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
-%
-He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
-%
-He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
-%
-He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
-a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
-		-- Giacomo Leopardi
-%
-He who hates vices hates mankind.
-%
-He who hesitates is a damned fool.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-He who hesitates is last.
-%
-He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
-%
-He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
-%
-He who invents adages for others to peruse
-takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
-%
-He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
-%
-He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
-%
-He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
-%
-He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
-encounter many rivals.
-		-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
-%
-He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
-night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
-senses until the day of judgement.
-		-- Saadi
-%
-He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
-%
-He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
-He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
-He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
-%
-He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
-But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
-And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
-	he knows something.  Or something like that.
-%
-He who knows others is wise.
-He who knows himself is enlightened.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
-%
-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
-%
-He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
-%
-He who laughs last is probably your boss.
-%
-He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
-%
-He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
-%
-He who laughs, lasts.
-%
-He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
-%
-He who loses, wins the race,
-And parallel lines meet in space.
-		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
-%
-He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
-		-- Dr. Johnson
-%
-He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
-%
-He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
-be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
-		-- Sir Richard Burton
-%
-He who slings mud generally loses ground.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-He who slings mud loses ground.
-		-- Chinese Proverb
-%
-He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
-%
-He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
-%
-He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
-		-- Sinbad
-%
-He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
-		-- M.C. Escher
-%
-He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
-on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
-education and culture.
-		-- Julia Norton McCorkle
-%
-HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!!
-Details at 11.
-%
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-%
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
-lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-		-- Redd Foxx
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
-	started chiseling on his wife?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
-	would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
-	attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon.  She ended
-	up a chopped libber?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
-	he wanted to transcend dental medication?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
-	that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
-	Space"?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
-	company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
-	typewriter's ribbon?
-%
-Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
-Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
-%
-Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
-From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
-		-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
-%
-Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
-Guernsey cows?  It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
-%
-Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
-		-- The Wizard of Oz
-%
-Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
-on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
-		-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
-		Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
-%
-heaven, n:
-	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
-	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
-	you expound your own.
-%
-Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
-		-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
-%
-heavy, adj:
-	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
-%
-Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
-%
-Heisenberg may have been here.
-%
-Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-		-- Milton Friedman
-%
-Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
-for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
-%
-Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
-how are they supposed to know you care?
-%
-Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
-%
-hell, n:
-	Truth seen too late.
-%
-Heller's Law:
-	The first myth of management is that it exists.
-%
-Heller's Law:
-	The first myth of management is that it exists.
-
-Johnson's Corollary:
-	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
-	organization.
-%
-Hello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you
-please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.
-Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
-%
-Hello, friend!  You say things aren't going too well?  You say you have a
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
-smack in the puss?  And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?
-
-	Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
-	You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
-	You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
-%
-"Hello," he lied.
-		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
-%
-Hell's broken loose.
-		-- Robert Greene
-%
-Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
-%
-Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
-%
-HELP!  Man trapped in a human body!
-%
-HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
-		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
-%
-Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
-%
-HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
-%
-Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
-%
-Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
-%
-Hempstone's Question:
-	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-%
-Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
-getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
-her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
-regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
-them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
-them, without any power of engaging their respect.
-		-- J. Austen
-%
-Her locks an ancient lady gave
-Her loving husband's life to save;
-And men -- they honored so the dame --
-Upon some stars bestowed her name.
-
-But to our modern married fair,
-Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
-No stellar recognition's given.
-There are not stars enough in heaven.
-%
-Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
-One fortunate cookie...
-%
-Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
-from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
-%
-Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
-%
-Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
-I've been caught inside this trap too many times
-I must've walked these steps and said these words a
-	thousand times before
-It seems like I know everybody's lines.
-		-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
-%
-Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
-I grow up.
-		-- Peter Drucker
-%
-Here I sit, broken-hearted,
-All logged in, but work unstarted.
-First net.this and net.that,
-And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
-
-The boss comes by, and I play the game,
-Then I turn back to net.flame.
-Is there a cure (I need your views),
-For someone trapped in net.news?
-
-I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
-'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
-%
-Here in my heart, I am Helen;
-	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
-I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
-	I'm Salome, moon of the East.
-
-Here in my soul I am Sappho;
-	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
-In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
-	With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
-
-I'm all of the glamorous ladies
-	At whose beckoning history shook.
-But you are a man, and see only my pan,
-	So I stay at home with a book.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
-lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
-hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
-notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
-teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
-use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
-	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
-your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
-that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
-The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
-where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
-down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
-if you're alive, it isn't.
-%
-Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.  According
-to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
-marketing anxiety in China.
-
-The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
-inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
-
-Bite the wax tadpole.  There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
-
-The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
-a whole column out of it.  I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
-tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
-satiric vistas do not open up.
-	-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
-SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
-NO LES
-NO MOORE
-		-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
-%
-Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
-Now she's at rest, and so am I.
-		-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
-%
-Here there by tygers.
-%
-HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big crack in
-the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
-around as if you're going to fall.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
-`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
-		-- Jay Leno
-%
-Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
-King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
-
-	* Governmental offices
-	* Post offices
-	* Libraries
-	* Schools
-	* Banks
-	* Parts of Palm Beach
-
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Herth's Law:
-	He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
-%
-He's been like a father to me,
-He's the only DJ you can get after three,
-I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
-And why he don't like me I don't understand.
-		-- The Byrds
-%
-He's dead, Jim.
-%
-He's got the heart of a little child,
-and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
-%
-He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
-%
-He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
-%
-He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
-his opinion.  It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
-		-- Phil Lapsley
-%
-He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
-be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
-%
-Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
-If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
-%
-Hewett's Observation:
-	The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
-	her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
-	peers similarly engaged.
-%
-Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
-To get a little more stack;
-If that's not enough then you lose it all
-And have to pop all the way back.
-%
-Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
-gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you".  It's a sin to
-	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
-	these words were spoken.
-%
-"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
-"Whattaya need?"
-"Oh, about $500."
-"Whattaya got for collateral?"
-"Whattaya need?"
-"How about an eye?"
-		-- Sam Giancana
-%
-Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
-*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
-Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
-%
-Hi!  You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
-the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
-leave your name and message after the beep...
-%
-Hi! How are things going?
-	(just fine, thank you...)
-Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
-	(you just asked one...)
-Well, how about one more?
-	(one more than the first one?)
-Yes.
-	(you already asked that...)
-[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	]
-May I ask two questions, sir?
-	(no.)
-May I ask ONE then?
-	(nope...)
-Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
-	(yes, you may.)
-Sir, how may I ask you a question?
-	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
-	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
-	 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
-	 next one)
-Sir, may I ask nine questions?
-	(go right ahead...)
-%
-Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.  As
-you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
-height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.  Do you have
-a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the
-makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is
-different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
-there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
-cabin cruiser.
-
-Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
-motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
-You wanna help on the audit now?
-%
-Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
-reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
-nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
-%
-Hickery Dickery Dock,
-The mice ran up the clock,
-The clock struck one,
-The others escaped with minor injuries.
-%
-Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
-
-		WE CAN HELP!
-
-Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
-%
-Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
-Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
-Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
-Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
-					We buried him today because
-					As far as we can tell, he's dead.
-
-		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
-		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
-		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
-%
-Higgeldy Piggeldy,
-Hamlet of Elsinore
-Ruffled the critics by
-Dropping this bomb:
-"Phooey on Freud and his
-Psychoanalysis,
-Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
-I just loved Mom."
-%
-Higgins:	Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
-Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a
-		little of both.
-		-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
-%
-High heels are a device invented by a woman
-who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
-%
-High Priest:	Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
-Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
-	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
-	smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the
-	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
-	breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
-High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother.
-Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
-	out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less.
-	*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
-	counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
-	count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is
-	RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
-	then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
-	naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.
-All:	Amen.
-		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
-%
-HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
-	A California innovation composed
-	of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
-%
-Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
-%
-Hildebrant's Principle:
-	If you don't know where you are going,
-	any road will get you there.
-%
-Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?"
-Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist."
-Him:	"Really? That's incredible...
-	It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
-		-- "The Jerk"
-%
-Hindsight is always 20:20.
-		-- Billy Wilder
-%
-Hindsight is an exact science.
-%
-hippogriff, n:
-	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
-	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
-	eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
-	eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
-	The study of zoology is full of surprises.
-%
-Hire the morally handicapped.
-%
-His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
-a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
-		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
-		-- Tommy
-%
-"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
-outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
-%
-His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
-to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
-claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
-stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
-Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
-went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
-prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
-goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
-the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
-Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
-rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
-Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
-		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
-%
-His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
-%
-His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
-		-- P.G. Wodehouse
-%
-His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
-%
-His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
-%
-Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
-of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
-continues to this day.
-		-- Wayne Shannon
-%
-History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
-%
-History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history
-of the Mexican revolution:
-
-	"Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was
-captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and
-shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to
-the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
-army where he was then executed."
-%
-History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
-i.e. none to speak of.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-History is curious stuff
-	You'd think by now we had enough
-Yet the fact remains I fear
-	They make more of it every year.
-%
-History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
-cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
-		-- Leo Tolstoy
-%
-History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
-%
-History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
-		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
-%
-History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
-%
-History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
-time as bedroom farce.
-%
-History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
-%
-History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
-periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
-asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
-intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago
-state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
-		-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
-%
-Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
-Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
-Pour my black old coffee longer,
-While that smell is gettin' stronger
-A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
-
-Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
-With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
-If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
-The Lord'll bless your sharin'
-A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
-
-And let me halfway fall in love,
-For part of a lonely night,
-With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
-Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
-Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
-With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
-		-- Elroy Blunt
-%
-Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
-	The stapler runs out of staples
-	only while you are trying to staple something.
-%
-H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
-There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-		-- Maxwell Bodenhein
-%
-H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
-Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
-%
-H.L. Mencken's Law:
-	Those who can -- do.
-	Those who can't -- teach.
-
-Martin's Extension:
-	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
-
-		[No, those who can't teach, teach here.  Ed.]
-%
-Hlade's Law:
-	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
-	they will find an easier way to do it.
-%
-Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
-An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
-
-The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
-media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
-discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways.  The artist explores
-our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
-structures in a post-industrial world.  She/he (the artist prefers to
-remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
-creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
-inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
-class-based stress.  The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
-the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
-sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
-exist in a more fundamental sense.
-%
-Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
-	Inside every large problem is a small
-	problem struggling to get out.
-%
-Hodie natus est radici frater.
-%
-Hoffer's Discovery:
-	The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
-	revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
-%
-Hofstadter's Law:
-	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
-	Hofstadter's Law into account.
-%
-HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
-	Take a shot every time:
-
--- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
--- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
--- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
--- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
--- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
-	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
--- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
--- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
-	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
--- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
--- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
--- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
--- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
--- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
--- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
--- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
--- Lebeau wears his apron.
--- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
-	plan is impossible.
--- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
-%
-Hollerith, v:
-	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
-%
-Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
-Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
-
-	Tune in again tomorrow:
-	same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
-%
-HOLY MACRO!
-%
-Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
-they have to take you in.
-		-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
-%
-Home is where the hurt is.
-%
-Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
-cage is to a cockatoo.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
-%
-"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
-		-- Plato
-%
-Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
-		-- F.M. Hubbard
-%
-Honesty's the best policy.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-honeymoon, n:
-	A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-		-- Ray C. Bandy
-%
-Honi soit la vache qui rit.
-%
-Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-%
-honorable, adj:
-	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
-	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
-	as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
-%
-Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-Hope is a waking dream.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
-		-- M. Horner
-%
-Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
-%
-Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
-		-- Peanuts
-%
-Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
-as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
-		-- Moore
-%
-Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
-	Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
-%
-Horngren's Observation:
-	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
-%
-Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-		-- Jack Benny
-%
-Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
-%
-HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
-%
-Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they
-had towels from my house.
-		-- Mark Guido
-%
-Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
-%
-Household hint:
-	If you are out of cream for your coffee,
-	mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
-%
-Housework can kill you if done right.
-		-- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
-		-- Neil Armstrong
-%
-How apt the poor are to be proud.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
-%
-How can you be in two places at once
-when you're not anywhere at all?
-%
-How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
-		-- Schulz
-%
-How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
-		-- Charles de Gaulle
-%
-How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
-thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
-in the waking state?
-		-- Plato
-%
-How can you think and hit at the same time?
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-How can you work when the system's so crowded?
-%
-How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
-%
-How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
-claim they'll make you?
-%
-How come we never talk anymore?
-%
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-%
-How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
-in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
-		-- A. Cooper
-%
-How could they think women a recreation?
-Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
-Only the ignorant or the busy could.  That elm
-of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
-be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
-Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
-I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
-of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
-The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
-Splendid.  Splendid.  Splendid.  Like Rome.  Like loins.
-A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
-I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
-for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
-To ambergris.  But not for recreation.
-I would not have lost so much for recreation.
-
-Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
-of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
-Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
-have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
-But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
-To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
-and call and call forever till she turn from bird
-to blowing woods.  From woods to jungle.  Persimmon.
-To light.  From light to princess.  From princess to woman
-in all her fresh particularity of difference.
-Then oh, through the underwater time of night
-indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
-This I have done with my life, and am content.
-I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
-standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
-	-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
-%
-How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
-		-- Elliot, "E.T."
-%
-"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid
-to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
-	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
-replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
-you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
-deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
-second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
-in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
-licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but
-examined his claws.
-	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
-hers and not my own, not ever again."
-		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
-How doth the little crocodile
-	Improve his shining tail,
-And pour the waters of the Nile
-	On every golden scale!
-
-How cheerfully he seems to grin,
-	How neatly spreads his claws,
-And welcomes little fishes in,
-	With gently smiling jaws!
-%
-How doth the VAX's C-compiler
-	Improve its object code.
-And even as we speak does it
-	Increase the system load.
-
-How patiently it seems to run
-	And spit out error flags,
-While users, with frustration, all
-	Tear their clothes to rags.
-%
-How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to
-journalists, and they believe what they read.
-		-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
-%
-How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
-%
-How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
-%
-How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
-		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
-%
-How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
-a waiter at a nice party?
-	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
-d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
-inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
-cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
-bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
-%
-How many weeks are there in a light year?
-%
-How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-		-- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
-%
-How much does she love you?
-Less than you'll ever know.
-%
-How much for your women?  I want to buy your
-daughter... how much for the little girl?
-		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
-%
-How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
-%
-How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
-%
-How often I found where I should be going
-only by setting out for somewhere else.
-		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
-%
-How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
-		-- Linus Van Pelt
-%
-How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
-		-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
-%
-How untasteful can you get?
-%
-How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
-%
-How you look depends on where you go.
-%
-However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
-in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
-		-- Tom K. Ryan
-%
-However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise.  There
-is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
-There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
-or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.  But like any
-powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
-sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
-not using their religious clout with wisdom.  They are trying to force
-government leaders into following their position 100 percent.  If you disagree
-with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
-threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and
-tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
-that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
-"D."  Just who do they think they are?  And from where do they presume to
-claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more
-angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
-who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
-call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every step
-of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
-in the name of "conservatism."
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
-%
-HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion
-that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
-changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment
-was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
-amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment
-was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to.
-		-- Albuquerque Journal
-%
-Hubbard's Law:
-	Don't take life too seriously;
-	you won't get out of it alive.
-%
-Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
-Oh wait...
-I'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.
-Never mind.
-%
-Huh?
-%
-Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
-%
-Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
-Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
-table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
-a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
-walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
-x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
-%
-Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
-%
-Human resources are human first, and resources second.
-		-- J. Garbers
-%
-Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
-responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
-immature.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.
-		-- Alan Kay
-%
-Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
-%
-Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
-		-- William Gilbert
-%
-Humorists always sit at the children's table.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
-chatting with persons who've never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable
-jungle!  We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I'm here to
-state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
-through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
-	"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
-Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
-You're going to be roped!  And you're going to be caged!  And, as for your
-dust speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
-oil!"
-		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
-%
-Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
-Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
-All the king's horses,
-And all the king's men,
-Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
-%
-Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
-%
-Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
-	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
-	to... to... uh.....
-%
-I:
-	The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
-	with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.
-II:
-	If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
-	probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
-III:
-	There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
-IV:
-	If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
-V:
-	One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
-	Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
-	output.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
-There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-I accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people
-are terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen
-carrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence
-terrifies people the most.
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
-		-- John Hinckley
-%
-I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-I allow the world to live as it chooses,
-and I allow myself to live as I choose.
-%
-I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
-or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
-viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-
-What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
-good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
-%
-I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
-		-- David Bowie
-%
-I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.
-It is never any good to oneself.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
-%
-I always say beauty is only sin deep.
-		-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
-%
-I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
-accomplishments.  The front page has nothing but man's failures.
-		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-I always wake up at the crack of ice.
-		-- Joe E. Lewis
-%
-I always will remember --		I was in no mood to trifle;
-'Twas a year ago November --		I got down my trusty rifle
-I went out to shoot some deer		And went out to stalk my prey --
-On a morning bright and clear.		What a haul I made that day!
-I went and shot the maximum		I tied them to my bumper and
-The game laws would allow:		I drove them home somehow,
-Two game wardens, seven hunters,	Two game wardens, seven hunters,
-And a cow.				And a cow.
-
-The Law was very firm, it		People ask me how I do it
-Took away my permit--			And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
-The worst punishment I ever endured.	You just stand there lookin' cute,
-It turns out there was a reason:	And when something moves, you shoot."
-Cows were out of season, and		And there's ten stuffed heads
-One of the hunters wasn't insured.	In my trophy room right now:
-					Two game wardens, seven hunters,
-					And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
-%
-I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent
-person, you will not sell me another book.
-%
-I am a computer.
-I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
-%
-I am a conscientious man, when I throw
-rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
-		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
-%
-I am a deeply superficial person.
-		-- Andy Warhol
-%
-I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
-than be one.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
-limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
-		-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
-%
-I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-I am changing my name to Chrysler
-I am going down to Washington, D.C.
-I will tell some power broker
-	What they did for Iacocca
-Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
-
-I am changing my name to Chrysler,
-I am heading for that great receiving line.
-When they hand a million grand out,
-	I'll be standing with my hand out,
-Yessir, I'll get mine!
-%
-I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
-for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man
-is to suffer for others.
-		-- Cesar Chavez
-%
-I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry.  I really think that three
-quarters of it is gibberish.  However, I must crush down these thoughts
-otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
-		-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
-%
-I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.
-		-- Katharine Whitehorn
-%
-I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
-I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art
-was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
-pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you
-that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
-globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I
-can't help it.  I was born sneering.
-		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
-%
-I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
-	-- Yul Brynner, 1956
-%
-I am looking for a honest man.
-		-- Diogenes the Cynic
-%
-I am NOMAD!
-%
-I am not a crook.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
-		-- A. Ward
-%
-I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
-		-- William Allen White
-%
-I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
-		-- Paul McCracken
-%
-I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
-(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
-		-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
-%
-I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared
-for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-		-- W. Churchill
-%
-I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
-has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-		-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
-%
-I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
-%
-I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
-%
-I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
-		-- John Donne
-%
-I am two with nature.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,
-I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
-sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
-loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
-		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
-		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
-%
-I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
-why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
-small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this
-would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
-Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
-them completely, even molding the keypads.
-		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
-%
-I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
-ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
-%
-I B M
-U B M
-We all B M
-For I B M!!!!
-		-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
-%
-I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-		-- Gilda Radner
-%
-I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
-perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
-I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years
-and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
-a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years
-together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My
-wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
-the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to
-be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
-to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And
-as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
-twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only
-with time.
-		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
-%
-I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
-particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
--- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
-how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
-to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
-political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
-because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
-the people who might elect him.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I believe that professional wrestling is clean
-and everything else in the world is fixed.
-		-- Frank Deford, sports writer
-%
-I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
-thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
-total discrediting of the world of reality.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I bet the human brain is a kludge.
-		-- Marvin Minsky
-%
-I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
-the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
-end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get
-embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
-they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
-		-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
-		   a visit to a London veterans hospital
-%
-I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
-Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
-box office.  I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
-relief from the Washington Summer.  Instead I was traumatized.  As a
-psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
-more effective.  For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
-sense of security and comfort.  Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
-be great conversationalists.  Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
-as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
-thunderstorm.  You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
-the meadow, generally mellow out.  Then, without any particular warning,
-your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
-your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
-apparent intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the forest burns
-down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
-		-- Townsend Davis
-%
-I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
-		-- Biff Barf
-%
-I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
-They're still living in the fifties.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
-%
-I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
-All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
-%
-I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
-		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
-%
-I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
-		-- Jay Gould
-%
-I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
-and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
-		-- Larry Lee
-%
-I can relate to that.
-%
-I can resist anything but temptation.
-%
-I can see him a'comin'
-With his big boots on,
-With his big thumb out,
-He wants to get me.
-He wants to hurt me.
-He wants to bring me down.
-But some time later,
-When I feel a little straighter,
-I'll come across a stranger
-Who'll remind me of the danger,
-And then.... I'll run him over.
-Pretty smart on my part!
-To find my way... In the dark!
-		-- Phil Ochs
-%
-I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
-and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-		-- A.J. Liebling
-%
-I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-		-- Lillian Hellman
-%
-I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
-		-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
-%
-I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
-If it be man's work I will do it.
-%
-I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-		-- Steven Pearl
-%
-I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-		-- Joe Walsh
-%
-I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-		-- Florence Henderson
-%
-I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
-		-- Phil Harris
-%
-I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
-If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
-I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
-	Your Socks Outside-in
-I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
-Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
-I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
-I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
-I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
-		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
-%
-I can't mate in captivity.
-		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
-%
-I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
-It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
-		-- Albert Anastasia
-%
-I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight the
-forms.  You've got to kill the people producing them.
-		-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
-		   Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
-		   Party Conference
-%
-I can't understand it.
-I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
-		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
-%
-I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
-novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
-I'm frightened of the old ones.
-		-- John Cage
-%
-I collect rare photographs...  I have two...  One of Houdini locking his
-keys in his car...  the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
-up a child.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time
-a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
-		-- Michael Prichard
-%
-I consider a new device or technology to have been
-culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
-		-- M. Gallaher
-%
-I consider the day misspent that I am not
-either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
-		-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
-%
-I could never learn to like her --
-except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
-%
-I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the
-time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
-		-- Peter Oakley
-%
-I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
-%
-I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why
-I should have to believe in it in this one.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
-                -- Bart Simpson
-%
-I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
-But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
-		-- Rita Gain
-%
-I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
-%
-I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
-The curtain was up.
-%
-"I didn't order any WOO-WOO...  Maybe a YUBBA...  But no WOO-WOO!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-I disagree with what you say, but will defend
-to the death your right to tell such LIES!
-%
-I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
-and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
-unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.  I'll tell
-you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
-		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
-too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
-		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-I do desire we may be better strangers.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
-%
-I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
-exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
-entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
-to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
-perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
-from the top down, the result is always different.
-		-- Mrs. La Touche
-%
-I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
-Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
-nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
-		-- Thomas Paine
-%
-I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter
-quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
-the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America
-and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
-		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
-		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
-		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The
-		   Cardinals backed down and played.
-%
-I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
-sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-		-- Galileo Galilei
-%
-I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
-any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology
-comes nearest to it of any.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
-butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
-		-- Chuang-tzu
-%
-I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
-starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
-reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
-devote it to research in mathematics.
-		-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
-%
-I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
-I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become
-tiresome.
-		-- I Ching
-%
-I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an
-Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
-		-- James Quirk
-%
-I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
-run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better
-husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
-		-- Heard in Bethlehem
-%
-I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
-deserve that either.
-		-- Jack Benny
-%
-I don't do it for the money.
-		-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
-%
-I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
-		-- K. Coates
-%
-I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
-		-- Katherine Cebrian
-%
-I don't get no respect.
-%
-I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.
-I get fat.  I buy new clothes.  No problem.
-%
-I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
-hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
-globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
-		-- Bruce Baum
-%
-I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
-		-- Elvis Presley
-%
-I don't know what Descartes' got,
-But booze can do what Kant cannot.
-		-- Mike Cross
-%
-I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
-more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
-		-- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
-%
-I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
-%
-I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
-because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I don't like the Dutchman.  He's a crocodile.  He's sneaky.
-I don't trust him.
-		-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
-		   with Dutch Schultz.
-
-I don't trust Legs.  He's nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a
-trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
-		-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
-		   "Legs" Diamond.
-%
-I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
-		-- Cash McCall
-%
-I don't mind arguing with myself.
-It's when I lose that it bothers me.
-		-- Richard Powers
-%
-I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
-streets and frighten the horses.
-		-- Victor Hugo
-%
-I don't need no arms around me...
-I don't need no drugs to calm me...
-I have seen the writing on the wall.
-Don't think I need anything at all.
-No!  Don't think I need anything at all!
-All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
-All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
-		-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
-%
-I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
-%
-I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
-he starts to practice law.
-		-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
-		   Attorney-General.
-%
-I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
-fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
-Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
-		-- Richard Nixon, 1972
-%
-"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
-to the sea and drown yourselves."
-
-"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
-you human beings don't."
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-I don't understand you anymore.
-%
-I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
-But there will definitely be a party tonight...
-%
-I don't want a pickle,
-I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
-And I don't want to die,
-I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
-		-- Arlo Guthrie
-%
-I don't want people to love me.  It makes for obligations.
-		-- Jean Anouilh
-%
-I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
-I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
-%
-I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
-%
-I dote on his very absence.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
-earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
-succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
-goal in front and not behind.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I drink to make other people interesting.
-		-- George Jean Nathan
-%
-I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
-%
-I enjoy the time that we spend together.
-%
-I exist, therefore I am paid.
-%
-I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
-%
-I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
-%
-I fell asleep reading a dull book,
-and I dreamt that I was reading on,
-so I woke up from sheer boredom.
-%
-I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
-honest difference of opinion.
-		- Isaac Asimov
-%
-I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.
-I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
-		-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
-		   just shot.
-%
-I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
-		-- Augustus Caesar
-%
-I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
-I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
-I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
-I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
-
-How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
-How can there be a building, that has no floor?
-How can there be a program, that has no end?
-How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
-
-An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
-A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
-A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
-I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
-%
-I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
-		-- Chauncey Depew
-%
-I get up each morning, gather my wits.
-Pick up the paper, read the obits.
-If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
-So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-
-Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
-My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
-But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
-And think of the places my get-up has been.
-		-- Pete Seeger
-%
-I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
-		-- Beauregard Bugleboy
-%
-I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
-pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
-said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
-opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked
-at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
-with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
-Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said
-'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
-The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
-It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
-attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
-would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones,
-I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
-and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
-called me again."
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
-when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
-farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were
-wearing masks for.
-		-- James Boren
-%
-I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
-theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
-other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
-stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
-long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
-$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
-a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
-		-- Butch Cassidy
-%
-I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
-and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
-
-No, I didn't. Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
-human emotions which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when
-you kill someone for money or something like that.  Another emotion is
-generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
-puppet.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
-was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
-being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
-time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
-win -- or even how you won.
-		-- Cash McCall
-%
-I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
-other people...  Certainty is just an emotion.
-		-- Hal Clement
-%
-I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
-Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
-one of us.  Later, we found out he was a bear.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
-		-- D. Cavett
-%
-I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned him, and
-we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I had a dream last night...
-I dreamt about 1976.
-I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
-I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
-Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
-so I went back to sleep again.
-		-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond
-depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
-see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
-through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly
-why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
-dinner and I let it go.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Guatemala for her.  She was blind
-in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
-Beach."
-		-- The Stunt Man
-%
-I had another dream the other day about government financial management
-people.  They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
-had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
-%
-I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small
-and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
-painting by Goya.
-		-- Stravinsky
-%
-I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
-people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
-put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
-power to make things different is a bitch.
-		-- Miles Davis
-%
-I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,
-so I took his shoes.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
-implement a PL/1 compiler.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
-%
-I hate babies.  They're so human.
-		-- H.H. Munro
-%
-I hate dying.
-		-- Dave Johnson
-%
-I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
-it's going to be up all night.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
-and I know how bad I am.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-I hate quotations.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
-there's nothing else to do.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
-ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
-		-- Willow
-%
-I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
-open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
-box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
-it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
-had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
-of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
-call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
-doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
-didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-		-- S. Wright
-%
-I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
-Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
-and just keeps on typing.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
-the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
-sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
-		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
-I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
-I just... to make a long story short..."
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
-		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
-%
-I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
-I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen
-some of it.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
-And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
-He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
-And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
-
-The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
-Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
-For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
-And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
-		-- R.L. Stevenson
-%
-I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.
-I spent last summer folding it.
-People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
-		-- Richard Diran
-%
-I have a simple philosophy:
-
-	Fill what's empty.
-	Empty what's full.
-	Scratch where it itches.
-		-- A.R. Longworth
-%
-I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
-in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
-got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
-%
-I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
-but I can't prove it.
-%
-I have a very small mind and must live with it.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-I have a very strange feeling about this...
-		-- Luke Skywalker
-%
-"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
-sacrifice my wife's brother.
-		-- Artemus Ward
-%
-I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
-to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
-		-- Winston Churchill, 1903
-%
-I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I have become me without my consent.
-%
-I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
-would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
-which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
-cent an idiot.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
-to sit still in a room.
-		-- Blaise Pascal
-%
-I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
-I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
-		-- Camillo Di Cavour
-%
-I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
-to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
-support of the woman I love.
-		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
-		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
-		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
-%
-I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
-most of them are trash.
-		-- Sigmund Freud
-%
-I have gained this by philosophy:
-that I do without being commanded what others
-do only from fear of the law.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
-wife's brother.
-		-- Artemus Ward
-%
-I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
-		-- Edgar Allan Poe
-%
-I have had my television aerials removed.  It's the moral equivalent
-of a prostate operation.
-		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
-%
-I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
-		-- Plato
-%
-I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
-I do believe that is a record.
-		-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
-%
-I have learned silence from the talkative,
-toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
-		-- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-I have lots of things in my pockets;
-None of them is worth anything.
-Sociopolitical whines aside,
-Gan you give me, gratis, free,
-The price of half a gallon
-Of Gallo extra bad
-And most of the bus fare home.
-%
-I have made mistakes but I have never made the
-mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
-		-- James Gordon Bennett
-%
-I have made this letter longer than usual
-because I lack the time to make it shorter.
-		-- Blaise Pascal
-%
-I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
-%
-I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
-		-- Cerebus, #82
-%
-I have never been one to sacrifice
-my appetite on the altar of appearance.
-		-- A.M. Readyhough
-%
-I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
-		-- Rob Pike, on X.
-
-Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
-gone in two years.  He was half right.
-		-- Dennis Ritchie
-
-Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
-		-- Jim Gettys
-%
-I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts
-already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
-establishment.
-		-- Alan Bennett
-%
-I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
-in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
-		-- Thoreau
-%
-I have no doubt the Devil grins,
-As seas of ink I spatter.
-Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
-The other kind don't matter.
-		-- Robert W. Service
-%
-I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
-own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
-of himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-I have not yet begun to byte!
-%
-I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
-		-- George Wallace
-%
-I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
-and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
-be blockhead enough to have me.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
-		-- Jimmy Carter
-%
-I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
-Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
-advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
-for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
-after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
-of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
-commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
-the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
-reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
-	If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
-a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
-execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
-justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
-venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
-ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
-made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
-declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
-	And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
-by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
-advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
-think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
-calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
-In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
-be economized by the aid of machinery.
-		-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
-%
-I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-		-- Kehlog Albran
-%
-I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
-%
-I have that old biological urge,
-I have that old irresistible surge,
-I'm hungry.
-%
-I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
-		-- Richard Burton
-%
-I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
-the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
-authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
-		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
-		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
-		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
-		   science of data processing), c. 1957
-%
-I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
-		-- John D. Rockefeller
-%
-I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
-you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-		-- Poul Anderson
-%
-I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
-%
-I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
-%
-I hear the sound that the machines make,
-and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
-%
-I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
-%
-I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
-interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
-more than he knows.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
-I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
-My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
-But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
-
-The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
-For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
-I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
-So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
-
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
-%
-I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
-secretly being good.  That would be dishonest.
-%
-I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
-		-- Raoul Duke
-%
-I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
-I think I saw God.
-	-- B. Hathrume Duk
-%
-I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
-He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
-and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
-ever needed one.  Needless to say, I readily agreed.
-		-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
-%
-I just got out of the hospital after a
-speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark.
-		-- S. Wright
-%
-I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-		-- Bill Hoest
-%
-"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
-"Did you ever see a doctor?"
-"No, just spots."
-%
-I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
-I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-		-- Arturo Toscanini
-%
-I knew her before she was a virgin.
-		-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
-%
-I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
-If I could just remember what it was.
-%
-I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
-take one along that worked.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-I know if you been talkin' you done said
-just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
-You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
-and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
-But don't you get square!
-There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
-They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
-%
-I know not how I came into this,
-shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
-World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-I know on which side my bread is buttered.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
-The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
-		-- Charles Schulz
-%
-I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
-you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That's all
-custody means.  Get even with your old lady.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
-Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
-myself.  But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
-world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
-one question: `Do I feel lucky?'  Well, do you, punk?"
-		-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
-%
-I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
-but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
-it means.
-%
-I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
-but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
-%
-I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
-%
-I lately lost a preposition;
-It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
-And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
-Up from out of under there."
-
-Correctness is my vade mecum,
-And straggling phrases I abhor,
-And yet I wondered, "What should he come
-Up from out of under for?"
-		-- Morris Bishop
-%
-I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
-Waitin' for the double E.
-The railroad don't run no more.
-Poor poor pitiful me.			[chorus]
-	Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
-	These young girls won't let me be,
-	Lord have mercy on me!
-	Woe is me!
-
-Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
-Well, I ain't naming names.
-But she really worked me over good,
-She was just like Jesse James.
-She really worked me over good,
-She was a credit to her gender.
-She put me through some changes, boy,
-Sort of like a Waring blender.		[chorus]
-
-I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
-She asked me if I'd beat her.
-She took me back to the Hyatt House,
-I don't want to talk about it.		[chorus]
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
-%
-I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
-didn't is just lyin'!
-		-- Willie Nelson
-%
-I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
-		-- Art Leo
-%
-I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
-that kidnapped Europa.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
-promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
-peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
-the way and let them have it.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
-%
-I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
-		-- Tom McGuane
-%
-I like your game but we have to change the rules.
-%
-I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
-%
-I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
-to bite people themselves.
-		-- August Strindberg
-%
-I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
-I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
-		-- Art Buchwald
-%
-I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special
-person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then
-someone takes them away.
-		-- Nancy Mitford
-%
-I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
-It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
-%
-I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
-		-- Schulz
-%
-I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
-		-- Walt Disney
-%
-I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
-		-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
-%
-I love treason but hate a traitor.
-		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-I love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.
-		-- Elvis Costello
-%
-I love you, not only for what you are,
-but for what I am when I am with you.
-		-- Roy Croft
-%
-I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
-commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
-irresistible.
-		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
-%
-I married beneath me.  All women do.
-		-- Lady Nancy Astor
-%
-I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
-%
-I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
-		-- Doctor Graper
-%
-I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
-		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
-%
-I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at
-clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
-congressman.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
-I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
-		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
-%
-I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
-		-- Alexander Woolcott
-%
-I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
-week sometimes to make it up.
-		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
-%
-I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
-%
-I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
-and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
--- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
-we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
-feet for the base.
-
-And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
-sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770
-m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn't even need to
-roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
-sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges.
-
-Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface
-area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
-crowding.
-		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
-%
-I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
-		-- Fratianno
-%
-I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the
-legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that
-way.
-		-- Jay Gould
-%
-I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted
-something for nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.
-		-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
-%
-I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
-		   Royal Family
-%
-I never did it that way before.
-%
-I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
-places they do today.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
-could do was to go away.
-%
-I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
-		-- Mickey Cohen
-%
-I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I never made a mistake in my life.
-I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
-		-- Lucy Van Pelt
-%
-I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
-		-- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
-%
-I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
-%
-I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
-%
-I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
-what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
-%
-I never saw a purple cow
-I never hope to see one
-But I can tell you anyhow
-I'd rather see than be one.
-		-- Gellett Burgess
-
-I've never seen a purple cow
-I never hope to see one
-But from the milk we're getting now
-There certainly must be one
-		-- Ogden Nash
-
-Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
-I'm sorry now I wrote it
-But I can tell you anyhow
-I'll kill you if you quote it.
-		-- Gellett Burgess, many years later
-%
-I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
-%
-I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-I only know what I read in the papers.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
-letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
-words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It's so curious: one can
-resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But
-then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
-that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
-a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
-		-- Letters From Colette
-%
-I owe, I owe,
-It's off to work I go...
-%
-I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a
-toilet seat.
-		-- Michael McShane
-%
-I owe the public nothing.
-		-- J.P. Morgan
-%
-I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
-the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must
-not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we
-must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
-in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from
-wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
-will be happy.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
-of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
-being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
-of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
-a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
-as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-I pledge allegiance to the flag
-of the United States of America
-and to the republic for which it stands,
-one nation,
-indivisible,
-with liberty
-and justice for all.
-		-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
-%
-I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
-		-- S. Wright
-%
-I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
-%
-I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
-		-- Cicero
-
-Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
-		-- Poor Richard
-%
-I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
-		-- William F. Buckley
-%
-I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
-on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
-	-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
-tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
-they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
-crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
-These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
-aspire to crudeness.
-		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
-%
-I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
-		-- Neil Armstrong
-%
-I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
-what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
-imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
-that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
-been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
-%
-I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
-parents were taking their children to see it.  So what?  Why should the
-motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
-	Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
-	"What's it about?"
-	"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
-	"Sounds great!  Let's take the kids!"
-		-- Ian Shoales
-%
-I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
-To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
-%
-I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
-		-- Aneurin Bevan
-%
-I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
-Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
-trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
-go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
-that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-		-- Marilyn Chambers
-%
-I really hate this damned machine
-I wish that they would sell it.
-It never does quite what I want
-But only what I tell it.
-%
-I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
-who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
-something of what has been passing in their time.
-		-- H. Truman
-%
-I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
-wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
-flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
-Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
-"Cut it out."
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
-reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
-I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
-		-- Stephen King
-%
-I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
-believing that some men are my equals.
-		-- Brigid Brophy
-%
-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
-%
-I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
-morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
-the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
-invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
-the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
-asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
-"You're right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
-that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
-		-- Alistair Cooke
-%
-I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office
-to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
-and didn't come back for 20 years.
-%
-I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
-kind of loophole.
-		-- Leo Kessler
-%
-I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it
-looks like I'm the only one moving.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
-woman should marry -- and no man.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
-%
-I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
-England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
-raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
-New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
-countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
-if they don't get it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
-He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
-I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
-And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
-		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
-%
-I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
-and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
-%
-I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
-'Round and round they sped.
-I was disturbed at this,
-I accosted the man,
-"It is futile," I said.
-"You can never--"
-"You lie!" He cried,
-and ran on.
-		-- Stephen Crane
-%
-I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-	-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
-never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
-deserve a series?"
-%
-I saw what you did and I know who you are.
-%
-I see a bad moon rising.
-I see trouble on the way.
-I see earthquakes and lightnin'
-I see bad times today.
-Don't go 'round tonight,
-It's bound to take your life.
-There's a bad moon on the rise.
-		-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
-%
-I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
-they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
-the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
-us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-I sent a letter to the fish,		I said it very loud and clear,
-I told them, "This is what I wish."	I went and shouted in his ear.
-The little fishes of the sea,		But he was very stiff and proud,
-They sent an answer back to me.		He said "You needn't shout so loud."
-The little fishes' answer was		And he was very proud and stiff,
-"We cannot do it, sir, because..."	He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
-I sent a letter back to say		I took a kettle from the shelf,
-It would be better to obey.		I went to wake them up myself.
-But someone came to me and said		But when I found the door was locked
-"The little fishes are in bed."		I pulled and pushed and kicked and
-						knocked,
-I said to him, and I said it plain	And when I found the door was shut,
-"Then you must wake them up again."	I tried to turn the handle, But...
-
-	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
-	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
-%
-I sent a message to another time,
-But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
-I sent a message to another plane,
-Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
-...
-I met someone who looks at lot like you,
-She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
-She's only programmed to be very nice,
-But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
-She tells me that she likes me very much,
-But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
-...
-I realize that it must seem so strange,
-That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
-She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
-She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
-		-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
-%
-I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
-a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
-in his veins.
-		-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
-%
-I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-		-- graffito in Los Angeles
-
-On a clear day,
-U.C.L.A.
-		-- graffito in San Francisco
-
-There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
-lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
-		-- Los Angeles graffito
-%
-I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than
-most western countries.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-I smell a wumpus.
-%
-I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
-Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
-ability.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
-	-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I steal.
-		-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
-
-Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.
-		-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
-%
-I stick my neck out for nobody.
-		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
-%
-I stood on the leading edge,
-The eastern seaboard at my feet.
-"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
-I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
-Go on and give it a try,
-Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
-		-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
-%
-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
-see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-		-- Shirley Temple
-%
-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
-department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-		-- Shirley Temple
-%
-I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
-		-- CP30
-%
-I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
-Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
-Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
-That needs a helping hand,
-Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
-		-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[110.13]:
-       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
-        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
-
-[22.17b]:
-       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
-        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
-        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
-        on the highway."
-
-[41.16]:
-       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
-        asking for it."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[131.16d]:
-       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
-        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
-        a U-turn on a divided highway."
-
-[96.7b]:
-       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
-        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
-        traveling more than 60 MPH."
-
-[110.13]:
-       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
-        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[173.15b]:
-	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
-        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
-
-[141.2a]:
-       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
-        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
-        a 5' parking space."
-
-[105.31]:
-       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
-        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
-%
-I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
-thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
-%
-"I suppose you expect me to talk."
-"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
-		-- Goldfinger
-%
-I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
-is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
-		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
-%
-I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me.  The first time I tried smoking
-pot I didn't know what I was doing.  I smoked half the joint, got the
-munchies, and ate the other half.
-
-Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed.  I kept getting the
-bottle stuck up my nose.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
-and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
-
-Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
-fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
-"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.   When I put on my shirt
-the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
-I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad
-kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
-		-- Escher
-%
-I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward
-or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
-being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
-sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told
-that I am!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
-"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
-		-- The Life of Brian
-%
-I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-I think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's
-paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
-%
-I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
-desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
-		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
-%
-I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I think that I shall never hear
-A poem lovelier than beer.
-The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
-With golden base and snowy cap.
-The stuff that I can drink all day
-Until my mem'ry melts away.
-Poems are made by fools, I fear
-But only Schlitz can make a beer.
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A billboard lovely as a tree.
-Indeed, unless the billboards fall
-I'll never see a tree at all.
-		-- Nash
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A thing as lovely as a tree.
-But as you see the trees have gone
-They went this morning with the dawn.
-A logging firm from out of town
-Came and chopped the trees all down.
-But I will trick those dirty skunks
-And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
-%
-I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
-remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
-		-- Chick
-%
-I think the world is run by C students.
-		-- Al McGuire
-%
-I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
-I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
-say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
-effect."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I think, therefore I am... I think.
-%
-I think there's a world market for about five computers.
-		-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
-%
-I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
-paneling.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
-		-- T.S. Eliot
-%
-I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-I think we're in trouble.
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-I think your opinions are reasonable,
-except for the one about my mental instability.
-		-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
-%
-"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
-"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
-"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
-"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
-Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
-They had so much in common, you'd say.
-They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
-And prompts that were cute or risque'.
-He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
-She sent one from some past high school day,
-And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
-If they hadn't met in L.A.
-"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
-He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
-And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
-If you were not so totally weird!"
-If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
-And he had not done just the same,
-They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
-And would not have had fun with the game.
-		-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
-		Electronic Mail"
-%
-I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,
-working for scale.
-		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
-%
-I thought YOU silenced the guard!
-%
-I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
-One of them said, "So will you."
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
-of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
-It's about Russia.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
-desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
-the quest.
-		-- Madeleine Gobeil
-%
-I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
-constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
-and drown myself in the noise.
-		-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
-%
-I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
-		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
-%
-I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
-		-- Bill Veeck
-%
-I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
-		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
-%
-I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
-The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
-degrees today," and I said "Oops."
-
-In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
-I never have to go upstairs.
-
-I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
-front of it in only eight minutes.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
-		-- Carole Wallach.
-%
-I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
-		-- Woodrow Wilson
-%
-I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
-		-- Nam June Paik
-%
-I used to be a rebel in my youth.
-This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
-Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
-problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
-a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
-I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
-I feel these days.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
-		-- Elvis Costello
-%
-I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
-I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
-I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
-With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
-And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
-	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
-	No more, Mr. Clean,
-	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
-They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
-
-My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
-Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
-I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
-The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
-And punched me in the nose, he said,
-(chorus)
-He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
-		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
-%
-I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
-%
-I used to have a drinking problem.
-Now I love the stuff.
-%
-I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
-to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
-
-I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
-like I'm the only one moving.
-
-I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
-the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
-to be out that long."
-
-I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out.  Now
-my car goes 500 miles an hour.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
-I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
-more mature than I am.
-%
-I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
-%
-I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
-foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
-loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
-		-- Rita Mae Brown
-%
-I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
-my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
-		-- Emo Phillips
-%
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
-near the place.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
-don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
-with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
-the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
-in the summer.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
-don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
-with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
-the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
-in the summer.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
-%
-I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
-		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
-Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
-%
-I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
-		-- Freud
-%
-I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
-%
-I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
-endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
-pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
-bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
-excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
-critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
-the earth.
-		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
-%
-I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
-ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
-Trouble I love and peace I despise
-Wild horses kicked me in my side
-Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
-I was eatin' some chop suey,
-With a lady in St. Louie,
-When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
-And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
-Roll this rocker out some money,
-Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
-		-- Mr. Miggle
-%
-I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
-I said I didn't know.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
-around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
-I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
-She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
-chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
-you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
-that all the time..."
-		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
-%
-I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
-the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
-		-- Phyllis Diller
-%
-I was in accord with the system so long as it
-permitted me to function effectively.
-		-- Albert Speer
-%
-I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
-these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
-kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
-I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
-avoiding the beach.
-		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
-%
-I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
-lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
-anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
-breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really
-gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
-works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
-Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
-for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
-two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
-was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
-I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
-		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
-%
-I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards.  I got a
-full house and four people died.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I was the best I ever had.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
-		-- Billy Braver
-%
-I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
-desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall
-because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
-me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I
-took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
-%
-I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
-		-- Chico Marx
-%
-I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
-in the room alone.
-%
-I went home with a waitress,
-The way I always do.
-How I was I to know?
-She was with the Russians too.
-
-I was gambling in Havana,
-I took a little risk.
-Send lawyers, guns, and money,
-Dad, get me out of this.
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
-%
-I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
-If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
-It's the truth.
-		-- Charlie Chaplin
-%
-I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained it to
-expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
-stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.  I ran it assuming
-the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
-to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
-answer in this particular case.  Finally I got a run in which the computer
-showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found
-an error.  I chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the
-program to the point where it would not run at all.
-		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
-		Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
-%
-I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
-I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
-He said "Nothin'."
-Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
-As if you just squashed a cop.
-		-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
-%
-I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
-Great song.
-		-- Fred Reuss
-%
-I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.'  So I ordered
-French toast during the Renaissance.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
-So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
-years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
-would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
-all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
-
-Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had
-been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
-
-There was a computer in every doorknob.
-	-- Danny Hillis
-%
-I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
-I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
-of a robber.
-		-- Tiburcio Vasquez
-%
-I will always love the false image I had of you.
-%
-I will follow the good side right to the fire,
-but not into it if I can help it.
-		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
-%
-I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
-year.  I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The
-Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out
-the lessons that they teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
-writing on this stone!
-		-- Charles Dickens
-%
-I will make you shorter by the head.
-		-- Elizabeth I
-%
-I will never lie to you.
-%
-I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
-%
-I will not drink!
-But if I do...
-I will not get drunk!
-But if I do...
-I will not in public!
-But if I do...
-I will not fall down!
-But if I do...
-I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
-%
-I will not forget you.
-%
-I will not play at tug o' war.
-I'd rather play at hug o' war,
-Where everyone hugs
-Instead of tugs,
-Where everyone giggles
-And rolls on the rug,
-Where everyone kisses,
-And everyone grins,
-And everyone cuddles,
-And everyone wins.
-		-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
-%
-I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
-one every day.
-		-- Heine
-%
-I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
-we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
-and Superman away.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
-intelligence.  They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
-seem to work.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-I wish you humans would leave me alone.
-%
-I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
-%
-I woke up a feelin' mean
-went down to play the slot machine
-the wheels turned round,
-and the letters read
-"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
-		-- Grateful Dead
-%
-I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
-had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
-"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
-replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
-know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
-be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
-I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
-		-- Bastian B. Bux
-%
-I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
-	-- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
-%
-I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
-"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
-but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
-because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
-after we've been home a long while.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
-only they won't let me raise my voice.
-		-- Winkle
-%
-I would have made a good pope.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
-gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
-missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
-		-- Oliver North
-%
-I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
-of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
-image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
-forget or do not know.
-		-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to image activation and termination.]
-%
-I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
-understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
-our tasks will be solved.
-		-- Warren G. Harding
-%
-I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
-with income tax policies.
-		-- William F. Buckley
-%
-I would like to know
-What I was fencing in
-And what I was fencing out.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
-to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
-In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I would much rather have men ask why
-I have no statue, than why I have one.
-		-- Marcus Procius Cato
-%
-I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
-they're being taped.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-
-I love America.  You always hurt the one you love.
-		-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
-%
-I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
-and be above ground than reign among the dead.
-		-- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
-%
-I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
-sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
-%
-I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
-%
-I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
-%
-I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
-for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-I wrecked trains because I like to see people die.  I like to hear
-them scream.
-		-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
-		   escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
-%
-I
-am
-not
-very
-happy
-acting
-pleased
-whenever
-prominent
-scientists
-overmagnify
-intellectual
-enlightenment
-%
-IBM:
-	[International Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty
-	Machines or The Lawyer's Friend.  The dominant force in computer
-	marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
-	and 10% of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy
-	of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
-	employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
-%
-IBM:
-	I've Been Moved
-	Idiots Become Managers
-	Idiots Buy More
-	Impossible to Buy Machine
-	Incredibly Big Machine
-	Industry's Biggest Mistake
-	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
-	It Boggles the Mind
-	It's Better Manually
-	Itty-Bitty Machines
-%
-IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
-who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
-		-- with regrets to D. Adams
-%
-IBM had a PL/I,
-Its syntax worse than JOSS;
-And everywhere this language went,
-It was a total loss.
-%
-IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
-%
-IBM Pollyanna Principle:
-	Machines should work.  People should think.
-%
-IBM's original motto:
-	Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
-%
-I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
-		-- John Denver
-
-[I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.]
-%
-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-%
-I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
-		-- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
-above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
-feel it.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
-%
-I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
-whole field to private industry.
-		-- Joseph Heller
-%
-I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
-		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
-%
-I'd never cry if I did find
-	A blue whale in my soup...
-Nor would I mind a porcupine
-	Inside a chicken coop.
-Yes life is fine when things combine,
-	Like ham in beef chow mein...
-But lord, this time I think I mind,
-	They've put acid in my rain.
-		      --- Milo Bloom
-%
-I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
-Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
-	-- Brenda Starr
-%
-I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
-%
-I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-		-- Fred Allen
-
-[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]
-%
-I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
-%
-I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
-Than cry with the saints,
-The sinners are much more fun!
-		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
-%
-I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
-%
-Identify your visitor.
-%
-idiot box, n:
-	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
-	the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-idiot box, n:
-	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
-	stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-idiot, n:
-	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
-	in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-%
-IDLENESS:
-	Leisure gone to seed.
-%
-Idleness is the holiday of fools.
-%
-If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-		-- Roy Santoro
-%
-If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
-is a camel's behind.
-		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
-%
-If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair.  If this doesn't
-work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
-%
-If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
-there will be N-1 passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
-really a guru at all?
-		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
-%
-If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
-is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
-		-- Joseph C. Goulden
-%
-IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
-is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
-to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-If a listener nods his head when you're
-explaining your program, wake him up.
-%
-If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
-		-- Thomas Wolfe
-%
-If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
-If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
-%
-If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
-he will lose his reverence for all of life.
-		-- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
-separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
-it might well prolong his life.
-		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
-%
-If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
-... it expects what never was and never will be.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
-and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
-will lose that, too.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
-and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
-convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
-		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
-%
-If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
-The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
-in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
-gravity supercedes the law of golf.
-		-- Donald A. Metz
-%
-If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
-love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
-		-- Saint Augustine
-%
-If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
-is simply that "God is crying."  And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
-only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
-%
-If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
-look at him as if he had lost his senses.
-When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
-%
-If a system is administered wisely,
-its users will be content.
-They enjoy hacking their code
-and don't waste time implementing
-labor-saving shell scripts.
-Since they dearly love their accounts,
-they aren't interested in other machines.
-There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
-but these don't access any hosts.
-There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
-but nobody ever uses them.
-People enjoy reading their mail,
-take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
-spend weekends working at their terminals,
-delight in the doings at the site.
-And even though the next system is so close
-that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
-they are content to die of old age
-without ever having gone to see it.
-%
-If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
-If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
-game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
-course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
-goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
-		-- Sparky Anderson
-%
-If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
-%
-If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
-to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
-that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-	-- Rob Stampfli
-%
-If all be true that I do think,
-There be five reasons why one should drink;
-Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
-Or lest we should be by-and-by,
-Or any other reason why.
-%
-If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-If all else fails, lower your standards.
-%
-If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
-%
-If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
-wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If all the seas were ink,
-And all the reeds were pens,
-And all the skies were parchment,
-And all the men could write,
-These would not suffice
-To write down all the red tape
-Of this Government.
-%
-If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-		-- Paul Beatty
-%
-If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
-we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
-		-- William Baumol
-%
-If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
-and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
-not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on
-camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television, even
-responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
-collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never
-have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
-		-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
-		   in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
-%
-If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-%
-If an S and an I and an O and a U
-With an X at the end spell Su;
-And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
-Pray what is a speller to do?
-Then, if also an S and an I and a G
-And an HED spell side,
-There's nothing much left for a speller to do
-But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
-%
-If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
-car he ever lays down in front of.
-		-- George Wallace
-%
-If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
-let him become president of Harvard.
-		-- Edward Holyoke
-%
-If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
-We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
-blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
-tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
-%
-If anything can go wrong, it will.
-%
-If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-		-- W.E. Hickson
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try try again.  Then quit.
-No use being a damn fool about it.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-
-[Also attributed to Roy Mengot.  Ed.]
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
-		-- Leonard Levinson
-%
-If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
-%
-If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
-identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
-collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
-I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
-plentiful as blackberries.
-		-- Leslie Stephen
-%
-If bankers can count, how come they have
-eight windows and only four tellers?
-%
-If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
-some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
-		-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
-%
-If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
-then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
-%
-If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
-but illegal purposes.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
-Watt's office.
-		-- Wayne Shannon
-%
-If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
-%
-If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
-serve us right.
-		-- Alistair Cooke
-%
-If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
-%
-If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
-deserve to have any.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
-		driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
-		conviction for sodomy.
-%
-If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
-there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
-is a fraud.
-		-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
-%
-If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
-do it through the body of someone you love.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Without
-no middleman.
-		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
-%
-If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
-him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
-		-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
-%
-If everything on the road of life seems to
-be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-%
-If everything seems to be going well,
-you have obviously overlooked something.
-%
-If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
-%
-If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
-is an exception to every rule.  If we accept "For every rule there is an
-exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
-after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
-exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
-can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
-		-- Bill Boquist
-%
-If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
-		-- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
-%
-If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
-%
-If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
-%
-If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
-would have only had ten disciples.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
-%
-If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
-we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
-%
-If God had not given us sticky tape,
-it would have been necessary to invent it.
-%
-If God had really intended men to fly,
-he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
-		-- George Winters
-%
-If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
-have made them cute and furry.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
-only ten apostles.
-%
-If God had wanted you to go around nude,
-He would have given you bigger hands.
-%
-If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
-He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
-%
-If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
-%
-If God is One, what is bad?
-		-- Charles Manson
-%
-If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
-%
-If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
-		-- Yiddish saying
-%
-If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
-		-- Marvin Kitman
-%
-If God wanted us to have a President,
-He would have sent us a candidate.
-		-- Jerry Dreshfield
-%
-If graphics hackers are so smart,
-why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
-%
-If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
-%
-If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-If he had only learnt a little less, how
-infinitely better he might have taught much more!
-%
-If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
-and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
-think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
-		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
-%
-If he should ever change his faith,
-it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
-%
-If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-If I could read your mind, love,
-What a tale your thoughts could tell,
-Just like a paperback novel,
-The kind the drugstore sells,
-When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
-The hero would be me,
-Heroes often fail,
-You won't read that book again, because
-	the ending is just too hard to take.
-
-I walk away, like a movie star,
-Who gets burned in a three way script,
-Enter number two,
-A movie queen to play the scene
-Of bringing all the good things out in me,
-But for now, love, let's be real
-I never thought I could act this way,
-And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
-I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
-And I just can't get it back...
-		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
-%
-If I could stick my pen in my heart,
-I would spill it all over the stage.
-Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
-Would you think the boy was strange?
-Ain't he strange?
-...
-If I could stick a knife in my heart,
-Suicide right on the stage,
-Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
-Would it help to ease the pain?
-Ease your brain?
-		-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
-%
-If I don't drive around the park,
-I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
-If I'm in bed each night by ten,
-I may get back my looks again.
-If I abstain from fun and such,
-I'll probably amount to much;
-But I shall stay the way I am,
-Because I do not give a damn.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
-Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't say embrace trouble; that's
-as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for
-you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
-%
-If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
-%
-IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's
-got to be a better way.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
-I'd sell the plantation and go home.
-		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
-%
-If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-		-- Ted Turner
-%
-If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
-a laboratory jar at Harvard.
-		-- Frank Sinatra
-
-AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
-		-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
-%
-If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.  I
-would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
-trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier.
-I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I'd
-travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
-You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
-and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and,
-if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.  In fact, I'd try to
-have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
-years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
-without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
-If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
-lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
-earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky
-more.  I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more.  I would
-ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I'd pick more daisies.
-%
-If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
-%
-If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
-shoulders of giants.
-		-- Isaac Newton
-
-In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
-the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-		-- Gerald Holton
-
-If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
-my shoulders.
-		-- Hal Abelson
-
-Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-		-- Gauss
-
-Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
-stand on each other's toes.
-		-- Richard Hamming
-
-It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders.  If
-this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
-software engineers dig each other's graves.
-		-- Unknown
-%
-If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
-		-- Bob Hope
-%
-If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
-I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
-%
-If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-		-- Goethe
-%
-If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-		-- Johann van Goethe
-%
-If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-		-- Alan Parsons Project
-%
-If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
-I'm an engineer working on something.
-		-- S.R. McElroy
-%
-If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
-%
-If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
-As Dame Fortune did intend,
-Murphy would be there to tell me
-The pot's at the other end.
-		-- Bert Whitney
-%
-If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
-%
-If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
-work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
-		-- Douglas Jerrold
-%
-If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
-because I can't swim.
-		-- Bob Stanfield
-%
-If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
-I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
-		-- G. Hirst
-%
-If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
-		-- Jerry Muscha
-%
-If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
-answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
-%
-If in doubt, mumble.
-%
-If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
-%
-If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
-%
-If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
-		-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
-%
-If it happens once, it's a bug.
-If it happens twice, it's a feature.
-If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
-%
-If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
-%
-If it heals good, say it.
-%
-If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
-answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
-		-- Samuel Clemens
-%
-If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
-%
-If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
-it's physics.
-%
-If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with.  No more appeasement.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
-%
-If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-%
-If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
-%
-If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
-		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
-%
-If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
-I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
-the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.  A more sententious, holding-
-forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
-of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
-		-- James Dickey
-%
-If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
-%
-If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
-If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-%
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
-%
-If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
-%
-If it's worth doing, do it for money.
-%
-If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
-%
-If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
-%
-If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
-They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
-fun of it.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
-send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
-other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty* pieces
-of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
-they'll think something *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
-they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
-them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
-		-- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
-%
-If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
-had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
-		-- Karl Marx's Mother
-%
-If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
-%
-If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
-%
-If life is merely a joke, the question
-still remains: for whose amusement?
-%
-If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
-%
-If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
-you've got in the house.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
-		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
-%
-If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
-		-- Phil Lapsley
-%
-If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
-%
-If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
-		-- Mary Wilson Little
-%
-If mathematically you end up with the wrong
-answer, try multiplying by the page number.
-%
-If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
-be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
-		-- Frances Rodman
-%
-If men are not afraid to die,
-it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
-
-If men live in constant fear of dying,
-And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
-Who will dare to break the law?
-
-There is always an official executioner.
-If you try to take his place,
-It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
-If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
-	you will only hurt your hand.
-		-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
-%
-If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
-be a merrier world.
-		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
-%
-If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
-of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
-and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
-%
-If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
-little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
-Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-		-- Thomas De Quincey
-%
-If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
-over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
-of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
-in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
-far to seek. ...  The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
-various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
-it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
-connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
-get an unfair advantage.
-		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
-%
-If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
-		of the Young"
-%
-If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-If only God would give me some clear sign!
-Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
-accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
-%
-If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
-%
-If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
-%
-If only you knew she loved you, you could
-face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
-%
-If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
-%
-If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
-then we are a sorry lot indeed.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
-there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
-		-- Doug Larson
-%
-If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
-		-- Edward E. Hippensteel
-
-[What brand of ink?  Ed.]
-%
-If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
-will take sandwiches.
-		-- Lord Boyd-orr
-
-Eats first, morals after.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
-%
-If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
-I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-If people see that you mean them no harm,
-they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
-%
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
-%
-If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
-		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
-%
-If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
-%
-If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
-%
-If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
-%
-If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
-		-- Tom Wicker
-%
-If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
-
-Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
-Eating components of soured milk.
-On at least one occasion,
-	along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
-Or at least in her vicinity,
-And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
-Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
-		-- Ann Melugin Williams
-%
-If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
-pool cues, who would win?
-	1) Ricky Schroder
-	2) Gary Coleman
-	3) The television viewing public
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
-arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
-world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
-the use of the mathematics of probability.
-		-- Vannevar Bush
-%
-If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
-books on how to?
-	-- Bette Midler
-%
-If she had not been cupric in her ions,
-Her shape ovoidal,
-Their romance might have flourished.
-But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
-His ions ferric,
-Love could not help but die,
-Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
-%
-If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
-		-- Robert Frost
-%
-If some people didn't tell you,
-you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
-%
-If someone had told me I would be Pope
-one day, I would have studied harder.
-		-- Pope John Paul I
-%
-If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
-%
-If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
-ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
-%
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
-way they do?
-%
-If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
-and never be our destiny.
-		-- Rene de Visme Williamson
-%
-If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
-Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
-and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
-		-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
-%
-If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
-this would be a better world.
-		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
-If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-		-- Norm Schryer
-%
-If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
-the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in
-college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
-method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
-learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should
-be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
-young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
-I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not
-by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise
-instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
-attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools,
-not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
-put on a professor.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
-steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
-principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
-feature, that.
-		-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
-%
-If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
-	-- Robert Moses
-%
-If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
-would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
-		-- Doug Larson
-
-[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
-%
-If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
-mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
-%
-If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
-Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
-%
-If the government doesn't trust the people, why
-doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
-%
-If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
-consider what may be fertilizing it.
-%
-If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
-we would be so simple we couldn't.
-%
-If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
-I would have recommended something simpler.
-		-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
-		   Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
-%
-If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
-the lives of both have been wasted.
-%
-If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
-then this sentence would not be false.
-%
-If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
-goose-stepping.  Americans are just as suggestible.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-If the odds are a million to one against something
-occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
-%
-If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
-what a living the poor could make!
-%
-If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
-%
-If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
-Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count
-on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
-paper folding, or something.
-		-- C. Philip Wood
-%
-If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
-		-- Chief Dan George
-%
-If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
-If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
-If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
-church attendance will exceed all expectations.
-		-- Reverend Chichester
-%
-If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
-%
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
-the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-
-If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
-can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
-%
-If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
-of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
-of this life.
-		-- Albert Camus
-%
-If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
-		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
-%
-If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
-can't afford divorce.
-		-- Jack Nicholson
-%
-If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-		-- Art Hoppe
-%
-If there is no wind, row.
-		-- Polish proverb
-%
-If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
-have let me in on it by now.  I contribute enough to the shule.
-		-- Saul Goodman
-%
-If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
-%
-If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
-years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
-school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
-		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
-%
-If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
-%
-If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
-go crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I get as crude as possible.  These
-days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
-to crudeness...
-		-- Johnny Mnemonic
-%
-If they were so inclined, they could impeach
-him because they don't like his necktie.
-		-- Attorney General William Saxbe
-%
-If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
-%
-If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
-%
-If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
-It's not time yet.
-%
-If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
-%
-If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
-doing the thinking.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
-helmet off.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
-itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-		-- Ernest Hemingway
-%
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
-%
-If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
-If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
-%
-If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
-%
-If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
-		-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
-%
-If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
-all be millionaires.
-		-- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-If we do not change our direction we are
-likely to end up where we are headed.
-%
-If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
-		-- John Sinclair
-%
-If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
-of it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
-findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
-		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
-		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
-		   crimes.
-%
-If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
-It's the light of an oncoming train.
-		-- Robert Lowell
-%
-If we spoke a different language, we
-would perceive a somewhat different world.
-		-- Wittgenstein
-%
-If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
-we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
-		-- Samuel Adams
-%
-If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
-with alarm clocks.
-%
-If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
-%
-If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
-do something else.
-	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
-%
-If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
-in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
-qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-		-- Marguerite Emmons
-%
-If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
-%
-If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
-beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
-lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
-women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
-		-- Gloria Steinham
-%
-If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-		-- Aristotle Onassis
-%
-If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
-Quit work and play for once!
-%
-If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
-		-- Arthur Miller
-%
-If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
-		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
-		   crazy.
-%
-If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-		-- Anton Chekov
-%
-If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-		-- Chekhov
-%
-If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
-%
-If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
-good, you will get out of it.
-%
-If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
-your honesty is corrupt.
-%
-If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
-longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
-		-- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
-If you are for yourself, then what are you?
-If not now, when?
-%
-If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
-evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
-words.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
-sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
-speak louder than words.
-	-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
-by your parents, we will cash your check.
-%
-If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
-over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
-		-- Walter Hagen
-%
-If you are smart enough to know that you're not
-smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
-%
-If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
-%
-If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
-%
-If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
-		-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
-%
-If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-		-- J. Paul Getty
-%
-If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
-theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
-%
-If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
-%
-If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
-%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
-what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
-		-- Edwim Schrodinger
-%
-If you can't be good, be careful.
-If you can't be careful, give me a call.
-%
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
-%
-If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-%
-If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
-%
-If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
-%
-If you catch a man, throw him back.
-		-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
-%
-If you continually give you will continually have.
-%
-If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
-accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
-%
-If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
-%
-If you didn't have most of your friends,
-you wouldn't have most of your problems.
-%
-If you didn't have to work so hard,
-you'd have more time to be depressed.
-%
-If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
-		-- John Galsworthy
-%
-If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
-it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
-		-- Carlyle
-%
-If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
-%
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
-%
-If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
-in the Bible.
-		-- Mordecai Richler
-%
-If you don't do it, you'll never know what
-would have happened if you had done it.
-%
-If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
-%
-If you don't drink it, someone else will.
-%
-If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
-		-- Clarence Day
-%
-If you don't have the time right now,
-will you have redo right time later?
-%
-If you don't have time to do it right, where
-are you going to find the time to do it over?
-%
-If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
-%
-If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
-%
-If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
-		-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
-%
-If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.
-%
-If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
-an embedded system.  The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
-it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
-will suffice to remove it.  An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
-it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
-around, and adapt again.  I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
-carefulness here.  No.  Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
-raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
-what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
-properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a
-gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
-numbers.  Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
-you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
-over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
-was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
-network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your
-software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
-number than before, what's it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed
-in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you
-get my drift.
-%
-If you explain something so clearly that no
-one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
-%
-If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
-%
-If you find a solution and become attached to it,
-the solution may become your next problem.
-%
-If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
-%
-If you float on instinct alone, how can you
-calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
-		-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
-%
-If you fool around with something long
-enough, it will eventually break.
-%
-If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
-%
-If you give Congress a chance to vote on
-both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
-		-- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
-%
-If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
-all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
-so as not to disturb those around you.
-%
-If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
-all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
-swimming.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-If you had better tools, you could more
-effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
-%
-If you had just one moment to live
-And they granted you one special wish
-Would you ask for something
-Like another chance.
-		-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
-%
-If you hands are clean and your cause is just
-and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
-%
-If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
-%
-If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
-		-- Bette Davis
-%
-If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
-%
-If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
-new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
-does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
-make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
-The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
-you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
-will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
-cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
-dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
-of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
-straight.
-		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
-%
-If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
-		-- Spiro Agnew
-%
-If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
-%
-If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
-		-- Louis Armstrong
-%
-If you have to hate, hate gently.
-%
-If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
-%
-If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
-in chartered accountancy beckons.
-		-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
-		   Systems course.
-%
-If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
-hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
-		-- Neil Bogart
-%
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
-yourself in the posterior.
-		-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
-%
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
-boot yourself in the posterior.
-		-- A.J. Liebling
-%
-If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
-%
-If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
-rubbish into it.
-		-- William Orton
-%
-If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
-%
-If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
-		-- Petersen Nesbit
-%
-If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
-you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
-365 useless things.
-%
-If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
-%
-If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
-		-- Graham Summer
-%
-If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
-		-- Simone De Beauvoir
-%
-If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
-because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
-and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
-		-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
-%
-If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
-If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
-%
-If you lose a son you can always get another,
-but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
-or famous or both.
-%
-If you love someone, set them free.
-If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
-%
-If you love something set it free.  If it doesn't
-come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
-%
-If you make a mistake you right it
-immediately to the best of your ability.
-%
-If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
-with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
-but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
-%
-If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
-be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
-in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
-%
-If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
-		-- Schmidt
-%
-If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
-Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
-%
-If you need anything just whistle.
-You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
-Just put your lips together and blow.
-		-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
-%
-If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
-they must not be deceiving you very well.
-%
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
-bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
-you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
-ice, but no cup.
-%
-If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
-%
-If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
-But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
-is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
-		-- Pierre Gallois
-%
-If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
-restaurant.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
-Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves.  The wicked, who have
-something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
-they know how it's done, and for booty.  You can offer them things because
-they will take them.  Because they have no hesitations.  You can hang them
-if they get out of step.  Let me have men about me that are utter villains
--- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
-%
-If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
-%
-If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
-deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading
-are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
-%
-If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
-%
-If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
-But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
-		-- Swami Prabhupada
-%
-If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
-%
-If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
-many it's research.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-If you stew apples like cranberries,
-they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
-Or some joker who is slicker,
-Will trick you of your liquor,
-If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
-%
-If you stick your head in the sand,
-one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
-%
-If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
-%
-If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
-schizophrenia.
-		-- Thomas Szasz
-%
-If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
-then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
-harm.
-%
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
-%
-If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
-%
-If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
-wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
-%
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
-try missing a couple of car payments.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
-someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
-your Bic.
-%
-If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
-		-- Arthur Kasspe
-%
-If you think the system is working,
-ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
-%
-If you think the United States has stood still,
-who built the largest shopping center in the world?
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
-lack sufficient imagination.
-%
-If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
-to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
-say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be expected to throw another party
-next year.
-	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
-	up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
-they've been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious
-to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
-parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
-another one ...
-	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
-unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
-through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
-they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
-your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
-them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
-		-- Mr. Interesting
-%
-If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
-end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-%
-If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
-and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
-		-- F.D. Roosevelt
-%
-If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
-%
-If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
-done its damage.  If it was bad, it will be back.
-%
-If you want me to be a good little bunny
-just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
-		-- Lauren Bacall
-%
-If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
-		-- Michelet
-%
-If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
-read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
-		-- Don Marquis
-%
-If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
-%
-If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
-%
-If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
-books.
-		-- Alan King
-%
-If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-		-- Harry Blackstone
-%
-If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
-Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
-Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
-containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
-the word "National".
-		-- George Will
-%
-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
-you say, talk in your sleep.
-%
-If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
-memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
-it, even if they don't know what it means.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
-%
-If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
-fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
-heartbeats.
-%
-If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
-If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
-If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
-If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
-		-- Chinese Proverb
-%
-If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
-%
-If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
-boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
-		-- Anton Chekov
-%
-If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
-If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
-	well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
-If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
-If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
-	position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
-	but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
-If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
-	institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
-	be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
-	why.
-%
-If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
-%
-If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
-		-- Ben Franklin
-%
-If you would understand your own age, read the works
-of fiction produced in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
-%
-If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
-Bed down with a pretty girl.
-Amor vincit omnia.
-%
-If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
-%
-If your bread is stale, make toast.
-%
-If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
-If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
-		-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
-%
-If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
-I guess you do have a problem.
-		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
-%
-If your mother knew what you're doing,
-she'd probably hang her head and cry.
-%
-If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
-%
-If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
-longer be fantasies.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
-piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
-embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-If you're careful enough, nothing
-bad or good will ever happen to you.
-%
-If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
-The Olympics are over.
-%
-If you're constantly being mistreated,
-you're cooperating with the treatment.
-%
-If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
-strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
-together yet.
-		-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
-%
-If you're going to America, bring your own food.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-If you're going to do something tonight
-that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-		-- Henny Youngman
-%
-If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
-%
-If you're happy, you're successful.
-%
-If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-%
-If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
-As well as by traffic and crime,
-Consider how worry-free gophers are,
-Though living on burrowed time.
-	-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
-%
-If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
-off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
-%
-If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-ignisecond, n:
-	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
-	door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-IGNORANCE:
-	When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
-%
-Ignorance is bliss.
-		-- Thomas Gray
-
-Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
-	BLISS is ignorance.
-%
-Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
-rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
-		-- Franklin K. Dane
-%
-Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
-%
-Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
-so resolutely pursuing it.
-%
-Ignore previous fortune.
-%
-Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
-	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
-Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
-	Et le momerade horgrave.
-
-Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
-	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
-Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
-	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
-%
-I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
-%
-I'll burn my books.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
-in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
-%
-I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
-Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
-And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
-And in our bound partition never part.
-
-Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
-Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
-A root or two, a torus and a node:
-The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
-
-I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
-I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
-Bernoulli would have been content to die
-Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
-%
-I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
-I play just what I feel.
-Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
-And die behind the wheel.
-They got a name for the winners in the world,
-I want a name when I lose.
-They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
-Call me Deacon Blues.
-		-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
-%
-I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-I'll never get off this planet.
-		-- Luke Skywalker
-%
-I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
-%
-I'll turn over a new leaf.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask
-any Indian.
-		-- Robert Orben
-
-Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-		-- Jack Paar
-%
-Illegitimi non carborundum
-(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
-%
-Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
-it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
-%
-Illiterate?  Write today, for free help!
-%
-Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
-that I could have evolved from man.
-%
-"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
-		-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
-		   the idea of a doomsday machine.
-"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
-		-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
-		   Ellen up a steep incline.
-"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
-		-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
-"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
-		-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
-		   Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
-"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
-		-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
-"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
-		-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
-		   that Kirk talked strangely.
-"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
-		-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
-		   aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
-"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
-		-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
-		   physical exam to answer the alert.
-%
-I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
-a sports jacket and take off my brain.
-%
-I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
- thank everyone for making this night necessary.
-		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
-%
-I'm all for computer dating, but I
-wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
-%
-I'm always looking for a new idea that
-will be more productive than its cost.
-		-- David Rockefeller
-%
-I'm an artist.
-But it's not what I really want to do.
-What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
-I know what you're going to say --
-"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds."
-All right!  But it's what I want to do.
-Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
-
-The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
-that I could have been created by man.
-%
-"I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-I'm dying beyond my means.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
-%
-"I'm dying," he croaked.
-"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
-"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
-"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
-"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
-"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
-"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
-"You snake," she rattled.
-"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
-"Company's coming," she guessed.
-"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
-"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
-"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
-"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
-"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
-		-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
-%
-I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
-		-- George McGovern
-%
-I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
-just had a good war.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
-%
-I'm glad I was not born before tea.
-		-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
-%
-I'm glad that I'm an American,
-I'm glad that I am free,
-But I wish I were a little doggy,
-And McGovern were a tree.
-%
-I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today.  Happens
-every six months or so.  So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
-it with you.
-
-> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
-  the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
-> And in LA it's 72.
-
-> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
-  is a million percent.
-> And in LA it's 72.
-
-> In New York there are a million interesting people.
-> And in LA there are 72.
-%
-I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
-		-- John Foreman
-%
-I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson
-says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
-		-- Bob Hope
-%
-I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
-		-- Harold Urey
-%
-I'm just as sad as sad can be!
-	I've missed your special date.
-Please say that you're not mad at me
-	My tax return is late.
-		-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
-%
-I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
-living apart.
-		-- E.E. Cummings
-%
-I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
-N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
-I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
-She's traversed me seven times before.
-And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
-I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
-N-ary the tree I am, I am,
-N-ary the tree I am.
-		-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
-%
-I'm not a lovable man.
-		-- Richard Nixon.
-%
-I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
-with twenty-eight years ago.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
-match the men.
-		-- George Eliot
-%
-I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
-		-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
-%
-I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
-%
-I'm not offering myself as an example;
-every life evolves by its own laws.
-%
-I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
-%
-I'm not proud.
-%
-"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
-%
-I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
-		-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
-%
-I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
-%
-I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
-that good.
-		-- Amy Gorin
-%
-I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
-that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
-%
-I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
-gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
-and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
-to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
-yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
-really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but
-what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
-okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-		-- Carl Sagan
-%
-I'm prepared for all emergencies but
-totally unprepared for everyday life.
-%
-I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
--- I could be just as proud for half the money.
-		-- Arthur Godfrey
-%
-I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
-Let's not talk again REAL soon...
-%
-I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
-%
-I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
-%
-I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
-%
-I'm sorry I missed.
-		-- Squeaky Fromme
-%
-I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
-%
-I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
-%
-I'm successful because I'm lucky.
-The harder I work, the luckier I get.
-%
-"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
-a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
-	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home under
-my arm."
-%
-I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
-I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
-In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
-I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
-%
-I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,
-like pigeons and Catholics.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-		-- A. Einstein
-%
-Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-		-- Jules de Gaultier
-%
-Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
-way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
-complaining.
-		-- Jef Raskin
-%
-Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has a
-150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
-screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
-for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.  What's the first
-question that the computer community asks?
-
-"Is it PC compatible?"
-%
-Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
-		-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
-%
-Imagine what we can imagine!
-		-- Arthur Rubinstein
-%
-Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
-		-- Genji
-%
-Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
-	In order for something to become clean, something else must
-	become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
-	anything clean.
-%
-Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
-%
-Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
-%
-Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
-		-- Lionel Trilling
-%
-Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
-%
-Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-		-- Jack Paar
-%
-Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-Immutability, Three Rules of:
-	(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
-	(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
-	(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
-%
-IMPARTIAL:
-	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
-	espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
-	conflicting opinions.
-%
-Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
-Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
-it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
-from where you left them to where you can't find them.
-%
-In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
-in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
-revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
-behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
-shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
-
-It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
-ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
-%
-In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
-dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
-more to its liking.
-
-In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
-Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
-liking.
-%
-In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
-%
-In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
-an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
-%
-In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
-the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
-%
-In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
-by slow starvation.  The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
-has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
-		-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
-%
-In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
-humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
-anyway.
-		-- The 5th Wave
-%
-In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
-Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
-%
-In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
-placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
-%
-In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
-other really likes.
-		-- Elizabeth Ashley
-%
-In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
-in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
-to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
-have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
-		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
-%
-In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
-frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
-are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
-minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
-compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
-lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
-this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
-%
-In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
-of a rebel computer hacker.  However, they were unable to complete the arrest
-because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
-person in the house was named don provan.  Proving, once again, that Unix is
-superior to Tops10.
-%
-In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
-taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
-%
-In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
-risk he takes.
-		-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
-%
-In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
-be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
-beloved.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
-%
-In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
-sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
-		-- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
-are to be treated as variables.
-%
-In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
-the answer may be obtained by inspection.
-%
-In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
-it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
-		-- Stuart Keate
-%
-IN BOX:
-	A catch basin for everything you don't want
-	to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
-%
-In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
-the cows are known sluts.
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
-made the World Series just something that came later.
-		-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
-%
-In buying horses and taking a wife
-shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
-%
-In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
-thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
-teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
-said, "up to the mathematicians."
-		-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
-%
-In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
-it into television shows.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
-%
-In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
-%
-In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
-against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
-%
-In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
-		-- The Kidner Report
-%
-In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
-%
-In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
-He'll kiss it and make it better.
-%
-In charity there is no excess.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
-husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons.  A woman must never
-be free of subjugation.
-	-- The Hindu Code of Manu
-%
-In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
-%
-In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
-This is called Monotony.
-%
-In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
-		-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
-%
-In dwelling, be close to the land.
-In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
-In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
-In speech, be true.
-In work, be competent.
-In action, be careful of your timing.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
-programming languages.
-%
-In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
-		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
-Find the fun and snap!  The job's a game.
-And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
-	a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
-		-- Mary Poppins
-%
-In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
-%
-In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
-transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
-in 1965.  The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
-spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
-		-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
-%
-In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
-in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
-%
-In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
-I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
-because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
-didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the
-Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came
-for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
-		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller
-%
-In God we trust; all else we walk through.
-%
-In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
-know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
-		-- Plato
-%
-In her first passion woman loves her lover,
-In all the others all she loves is love.
-		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
-%
-In high school in Brooklyn
-I was the baseball manager,
-proud as I could be
-I chased baseballs,
-gathered thrown bats
-handed out the towels			Eventually, I bought my own
-It was very important work		but it was dark blue while
-for a small spastic kid,		the official ones were green
-but I was a team member			Nobody ever said anything
-When the team got			to me about my blue jacket;
-their warm-up jackets			the guys were my friends
-I didn't get one			Yet it hurt me all year
-Only the regular team			to wear that blue jacket
-got these jackets, and			among all those green ones
-surely not a manager			Even now, forty years after,
-					I still recall that jacket
-					and the memory goes on hurting.
-		-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
-%
-In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together
-afterwards that causes the problems.
-		-- Shelley Winters
-%
-In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
-		-- Rex Reed
-%
-In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
-use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
-which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
-murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
-and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
-five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
-The cuckoo-clock.
-		-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
-%
-In just seven days, I can make you a man!
-		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
-	[ (and seven nights...)  Ed.]
-%
-In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
-progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
-		-- James Slagle
-%
-In like a dimwit, out like a light.
-		-- Pogo
-%
-In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
-		-- Bruton
-%
-In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
-to take every advantage of the enemy.
-%
-In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
-the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
-have obtained from books of travel.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
-in matters of taste, swim with the current.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
-		-- Josi Simon
-%
-In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
-It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
-%
-In most instances, all an argument
-proves is that two people are present.
-%
-In my end is my beginning.
-		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
-%
-In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
-your left leg, it's modern architecture.
-		-- Nancy Banks Smith
-%
-IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
-becoming pure energy.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-In Nature there are neither rewards nor
-punishments, there are consequences.
-		-- R.G. Ingersoll
-%
-In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
-a practice which is still continued.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
-%
-In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
-you're what's left.
-%
-In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
-%
-In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
-It is not always an easy sacrifice.
-%
-In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
-is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
-intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
-from the cares of office.
-%
-In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
-%
-In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
-a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
-		-- John Diefenbaker
-%
-In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
-happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
-		-- Paul Licker
-%
-In real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you
-want the other person.
-		-- Margaret Anderson
-%
-In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
-		-- Will Durst
-%
-In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
-good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
-their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
-do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
-human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
-recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
-		-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
-%
-In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
-%
-In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
-		-- Ann Frank
-%
-In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
-		-- Alan Kay
-%
-In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
-And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
-%
-In the beginning was the word.
-But by the time the second word was added to it,
-There was trouble.
-For with it came syntax ...
-		-- John Simon
-%
-In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
-Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
-which we coffee achievers have long appreciated:  no really creative,
-intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee.  On page
-14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
-fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
-discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..."  Hadamard refers
-to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
-memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
-
-	"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
-	could not sleep.  Ideas rose in crowds;  I felt them collide
-	until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
-	combination."
-
-Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom.  Maybe he
-could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
-%
-In the days of old,
-When Knights were bold,
-	And women were too cautious;
-Oh, those gallant days,
-When women were women,
-	And men were really obnoxious.
-%
-In the dimestores and bus stations
-People talk of situations
-Read books repeat quotations
-Draw conclusions on the wall.
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-In the early morning queue,
-With a listing in my hand.
-With a worry in my heart,	There on terminal number 9,
-Waitin' here in CERAS-land.	Pascal run all set to go.
-I'm a long way from sleep,	But I'm waitin' in the queue,
-How I miss a good meal so.	With this code that ever grows.
-In the early mornin' queue,	Now the lobby chairs are soft,
-With no place to go.		But that can't make the queue move fast.
-				Hey, there it goes my friend,
-				I've moved up one at last.
-		-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
-		   Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
-%
-In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It changes
-into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky.  When this bird
-moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
-message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
-its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
-sky at its back, returns home.
-
-The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
-The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
-The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
-	that the bird has come and gone.
-%
-In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
-		-- Martin Mull
-%
-In the first place, God made idiots;
-this was for practice; then he made school boards.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
-the proper order then why can't he?
-%
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
-	S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
-	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
-	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-		-- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks
-%
-In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
-		-- Joseph Stalin
-%
-In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
-You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-%
-In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
-woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
-		-- Tolstoy
-%
-In the land of the dark the Ship of the
-Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
-		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
-%
-In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-In the long run we are all dead.
-		-- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands
-a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to
-the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
-
-Q:	Who gets to the pot of gold first?
-A:	The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.
-%
-In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
-noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
-the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
-conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
-jaded group.  Why don't I take you home?""
-	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you
-live?"
-%
-In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
-displeasing to us.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
-%
-In the next world, you're on your own.
-%
-In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains.  As night falls the
-wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle.  After
-everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
-camp.
-	After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
-a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day.  The drums get
-louder and louder.
-	Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
-the sound of those drums."
-	Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp:  "IT'S
-NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
-%
-In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
-loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
-you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
-lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
-and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
-was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
-struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
-and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
-crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
-		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
-		   novel.
-%
-In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
-shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
-Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
-thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
-Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
-something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
-conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-In the Spring, I have counted 136
-different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
-		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
-%
-In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
-%
-In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
-out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
-		-- Art Linkletter
-%
-In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
-%
-In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
-In practice, there is.
-%
-In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-		-- Pliny the Elder
-%
-In this vale
-Of toil and sin
-Your head grows bald
-But not your chin.
-		-- Burma Shave
-%
-In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
-thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
-So, I may as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
-%
-In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is
-not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
-%
-In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
-employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
-		-- Dr. L.J. Peter
-%
-In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
-A stately pleasure dome decree,
-Where /bin, the sacred river ran
-Through Test Suites measureless to Man
-Down to a sunless C.
-%
-In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
-		-- Napoleon
-%
-In war, truth is the first casualty.
-		-- U Thant
-%
-In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
-%
-In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
-		-- Pliny
-%
-In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
-But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
-%
-In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
-A stately pleasure dome decree:
-Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
-Through caverns measureless to man
-Down to a sunless sea.
-So twice five miles of fertile ground
-With walls and towers were girdled round:
-And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
-Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
-And here were forest ancient as the hills,
-Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
-		-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
-%
-In youth, it was a way I had
-To do my best to please,
-And change, with every passing lad,
-To suit his theories.
-
-But now I know the things I know,
-And do the things I do;
-And if you do not like me so,
-To hell, my love, with you!
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
-%
-INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
-	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
-	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
-	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
-	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
-	keep it."
-%
-Include me out.
-%
-Increased knowledge will help you now.
-Have mate's phone bugged.
-%
-INCUMBENT:
-	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-%
-Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
-%
-Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
-`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
-with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
-		-- M.D. Epstein
-%
-INDEX:
-	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
-	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
-%
-Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
-basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley
-is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
-		-- Carolyn Jones
-%
-Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
-%
-Individualists unite!
-%
-Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
-advance; insufferable in victory.
-		-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
-%
-infancy, n:
-	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
-about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
-Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
-%
-Information Center:
-	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
-	tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
-%
-Information is the inverse of entropy.
-%
-Information Processing:
-	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
-	it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
-	Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
-		Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
-		Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
-		behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
-		obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
-
-	On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
-		Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
-		the service. Our utmost will improve it.
-
-		-- Colin Bowles
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
-	Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
-		It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
-		dressed as a man.
-
-	Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
-		Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
-		or similar.
-
-	On a Bucharest elevator:
-
-		The lift is being fixed for the next days.
-		During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
-
-		-- Colin Bowles
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
-	Various signs in Poland:
-
-		Right turn toward immediate outside.
-
-		Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
-
-		Five o'clock tea at all hours.
-
-	In a men's washroom in Sidney:
-
-		Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
-		rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
-		on front of shirt.
-
-		-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-ingrate, n:
-	A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
-	and then complains of indigestion.
-%
-Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-ink, n:
-	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
-	and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
-	idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
-likes oneself.
-		-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
-%
-INNOVATE:
-	Annoy people.
-%
-Innovation is hard to schedule.
-		-- Dan Fylstra
-%
-INNUENDO:
-	Italian enema.
-%
-Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
-token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
-%
-Insanity is the final defense.  It's hard to get a refund when
-the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
-%
-INSECURITY:
-	Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
-	favorite words.
-
-	Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
-	the person who told it to you.
-%
-Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
-%
-Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
-%
-Inspector:	"Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
-			hunting accident?"
-Mrs. Freem:	"His first fatal one, yes."
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
-%
-Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
-they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
-anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
-years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
-		-- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-Integrity has no need for rules.
-%
-Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
-		-- Henry Spencer
-%
-Intellect annuls Fate.
-So far as a man thinks, he is free.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Interchangeable parts won't.
-%
-INTEREST:
-	What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
-	burned out employees must feign.
-%
-Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
-street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
-invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
-and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're
-best at, that's what I say.
-		-- Doctor Who
-%
-INTERPRETER:
-	One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
-	each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
-	interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-%
-Into love and out again,
-	Thus I went and thus I go.
-Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
-	Well and bitterly I know
-All the songs were ever sung,
-	All the words were ever said;
-Could it be, when I was young,
-	Someone dropped me on my head?
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
-%
-INTOXICATED:
-	When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
-%
-Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
-
-INSTRUCTION SET
-	Code	Mnemonic	What
-	0	NOP		No Operation
-	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
-
-Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
-%
-Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
-%
-Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
-it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
-		-- Bernard Cooke
-%
-I/O, I/O,
-It's off to disk I go,
-A bit or byte to read or write,
-I/O, I/O, I/O...
-%
-
-
-_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\     l  * /    /_/ *   __  '     .* l
-I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\   l      *//      _l__l_   . *.  l
- [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l  l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
- [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l   l  \\ // ____ >-(    )-<    /  l
- [__][__][_l    l[__][__][l    l][__][] l   l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
- [][__][__]l   .l_][__][__]   .l__][__] l   l   ll  _(o_o)_        (@*_*@  l
- [__][__][/   <_)[__][__]/   <_)][__][] l   l   ll (  / \  )     /   / / ) l
- [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l   l  / \\  _\  \_   /     _\_\   l
- [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l   l______________________________l
- [__][__]] l     ,  , .      [__][__][] l
- [][__][_] l   . i. '/ ,     [][__][__] l        /\**/\       season's
- [__][__]] l  O .\ / /, O    [__][__][] l       ( o_o  )_)       greetings
-_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u  u  ,),__________________
- [__][__]]/  /l\-------/l\   [__][__][]/       {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
-
-In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
-
-%
-IOT trap -- core dumped
-%
-IOT trap -- mos dumped
-%
-Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
-	-- Crow T. Robot
-%
-Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because
-they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
-little paper envelopes.
-%
-Iron Law of Distribution:
-	Them that has, gets.
-%
-IRONY:
-	A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
-	a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
-%
-Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
-%
-Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
-%
-"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
-Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
-%
-Is death legally binding?
-%
-Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
-meant to be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as
-a soap bubble?
-%
-Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?
-%
-Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
-of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
-and such as are out wish to get in?
-		-- Ralph Emerson
-%
-Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right.
-		-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
-%
-Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Is that really YOU that is reading this?
-%
-"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
-"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
-"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
-"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
-%
-Is there life before breakfast?
-%
-Is this really happening?
-%
-Isn't air travel wonderful?
-Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
-%
-Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
-person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
-		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
-%
-Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
-listen to weather forecasts and economists?
-		-- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
-avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
-would make them better prospects?
-%
-Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
-there?
-		-- Herb Caen
-%
-Isn't it strange that the same people that
-laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
-%
-ISO applications:
-	A solution in search of a problem!
-%
-Issawi's Laws of Progress:
-	The Course of Progress:
-		Most things get steadily worse.
-	The Path of Progress:
-		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
-most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
-		-- J. Sammet
-%
-It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
-Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
-It lies behind starts and under hills,
-And empty holes it fills.
-It comes first and follows after,
-Ends life, kills laughter.
-%
-"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
-any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
-horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
-existence.  But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
-that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
-thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
-horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter's
-horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
-Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
-have wings by not being Walter's horse.
-
-I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
-then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
-for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
-necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
-better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
-		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
-%
-It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
-interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
-for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
-invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
-was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
-hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
-carried me.
-	-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
-%
-It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
-%
-It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
-pick up something from the floor while you get up.
-%
-It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
-done and what you're going to do.
-%
-It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
-%
-It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
-next morning it was someone else.
-		-- Rogers
-%
-It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
-which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
-insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
-than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
-		-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
-%
-It gets late early out there.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
-or both feet firmly planted in the air.
-%
-It hangs down from the chandelier
-Nobody knows quite what it does
-Its color is odd and its shape is weird
-It emits a high-sounding buzz
-
-It grows a couple of feet each day
-and wriggles with sort of a twitch
-Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
-a visiting uncle who's rich!
-		-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
-%
-It happened long ago
-In the new magic land
-The Indians and the buffalo
-Existed hand in hand
-The Indians needed food
-They need skins for a roof
-The only took what they needed
-And the buffalo ran loose
-But then came the white man
-With his thick and empty head
-He couldn't see past his billfold
-He wanted all the buffalo dead
-It was sad, oh so sad.
-		-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
-%
-It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown came
-out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
-He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I think the world
-will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
-that it is a joke.
-%
-It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
-most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
-it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
-		-- H. Warner Munn
-%
-It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
-is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
-have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life
-I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
-and getting people under the influence.
-		-- Jeremy Tunstall
-%
-It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
-%
-It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
-or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing.  It dehumanizes those who
-achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
-good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
-notions.  This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
-infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
-folklore to Article of Belief.  It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
-their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
-appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
-and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
-competence will be quite enough.
-		-- The Underground Grammarian
-%
-It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
-the most important.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-It has long been an axiom of mine that the
-little things are infinitely the most important.
-		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
-%
-It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
-manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
-baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
-is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
-%
-It has long been known that one horse can run faster
-than another -- but which one?  Differences are crucial.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
-indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury
-is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
-of infanticide.
-		-- Edmond About
-%
-It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
-to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
-		-- Marcus Porcius Cato
-%
-It is a lesson which all history teaches
-wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
-		-- Emerson
-%
-It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
-%
-It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
-		-- Aeschylus
-%
-It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
-my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
-it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to
-organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The
-manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
-I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
-	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they
-could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months,
-three more than the schedule allowed.
-	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they
-could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
-it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
-Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
-their thumbs for ten months.
-	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
-program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
-but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and
-it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual
-integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
-estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
-		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
-What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
-thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-It is all right to hold a conversation,
-but you should let go of it now and then.
-		-- Richard Armour
-%
-It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
-unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
-you are an exceptionally good liar.
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
-%
-It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
-		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
-%
-It is bad luck to be superstitious.
-		-- Andrew W. Mathis
-%
-[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
-		-- K&R
-%
-It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
-%
-It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
-%
-It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
-%
-It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
-%
-It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
-%
-It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
-%
-It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
-%
-It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
-%
-It is better to live rich than to die rich.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
-%
-It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
-%
-It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
-and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
-%
-It is better to wear out than to rust out.
-%
-It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
-freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails,
-admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.
-		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
-is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
-		-- Descartes
-%
-It is convenient that there be gods, and,
-as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
-%
-It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
-remember.
-		-- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
-%
-It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
-and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
-rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-		-- R. Serling
-%
-It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
-%
-It is easier for a camel to pass through the
-eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
-		-- Kehlog Albran
-%
-It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
-proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
-better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
-your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
-attention, the harder the task.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
-%
-It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-		-- Alfred Adler
-%
-It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
-		-- George Santayana
-%
-It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
-		-- Leonardo da Vinci
-%
-It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
-%
-It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
-%
-It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
-		-- Aeschylus
-%
-It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
-of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
-		-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
-%
-It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
-holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who
-is there, but speed him when he wishes.
-		-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to scheduling.]
-%
-It is exactly because a man cannot do a
-thing that he is a proper judge of it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This
-is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
-last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
-enough.
-		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
-%
-It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
-%
-It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
-without your help.
-		-- Miss Manners
-%
-It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
-%
-It is fruitless:
-	to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
-
-	to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
-		innovative maneuvers.
-%
-It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
-if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
-		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
-love does not lie in the ear.
-		-- Walpole
-%
-It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
-the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the
-case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
-crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
-%
-It is impossible to defend perfectly
-against the attack of those who want to die.
-%
-It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
-unless one has plenty of work to do.
-		-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
-%
-It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-It is impossible to make anything
-foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
-%
-It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
-certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-IT IS IN PROCESS:
-	So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
-%
-It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
-but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
-God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
-		-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
-%
-It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
-wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
-they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
-like a happy married life.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-It is much easier to suggest solutions
-when you know nothing about the problem.
-%
-It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
-%
-It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
-to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
-youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
-		-- Kingsley Amis
-%
-It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
-%
-It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
-that makes life blessed.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.
-		-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
-		[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]
-
-It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-		[Great minds think alike?  Ed.]
-%
-It is not enough to have a good mind.
-The main thing is to use it well.
-		-- Rene Descartes
-%
-It is not enough to have great qualities,
-we should also have the management of them.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-It is not every question that deserves an answer.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
-inscrutable workings of Providence.
-		-- The Earl of Birkenhead
-%
-It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
-and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
-		-- Proverbs 19:2
-%
-It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
-dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
-she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She
-does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
-dessert, why didn't you order one?'  You must understand, she has the
-dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
-		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
-%
-It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
-that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
-		-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
-%
-It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
-the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the
-man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
-blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
-knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
-worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
-he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
-or defeat.
-		-- Teddy Roosevelt
-%
-It is not true that life is one damn thing after
-another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
-the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road.  His
-wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights.  He is wearing a
-kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
-big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top.  His yellow hair
-and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood.  He could pass for some
-kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
-sticking out of his chest.  *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
-		-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
-%
-It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
-		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
-%
-It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
-%
-It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
-to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
-chemistry.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
-		-- Grace Murray Hopper
-%
-It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
-at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
-is the only thing that makes the result come true.
-		-- William James
-%
-It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
-what is essential is invisible to the eye.
-		-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
-%
-It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
-anything in any language}.  However, the fact that it is possible to push
-a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
-way of getting it there.  Each of these techniques of language extension
-should be used in its proper place.
-		-- Christopher Strachey
-%
-It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
-		-- Maimie Van Doren
-%
-It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
-have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
-mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat
-rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
-kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
-		-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
-%
-It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
-his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
-worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
-day like any other day, only shorter.
-		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
-%
-It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
-sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
-in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this,
-too, shall pass away."
-		-- A. Lincoln
-%
-It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
-lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
-high as the eagle?
-%
-It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
-%
-It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
-devil when he is the only explanation of it.
-		-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
-%
-It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
-%
-It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
-statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
-to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
-which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the day, that is the
-highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
-worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
-%
-It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-		-- Hawkwind
-%
-It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
-set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
-%
-It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
-lives, works and has his being.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
-straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes
-Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
-%
-It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
-	-- Lloyd Kaufman,
-	   producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
-%
-It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
-It produces a false impression.
-		-- Oscar Wilde.
-%
-It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
-		-- Roger Babson
-%
-It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
-%
-It isn't easy being green.
-		-- Kermit the Frog
-%
-It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty
-small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
-computers.
-%
-It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
-unhappy.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
-                -- Jack T. Shakespeare
-%
-It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
-to Grandmother's condo.
-%
-It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
-probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
-%
-It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
-Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
-		-- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
-a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
-that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
-
-Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
-to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
-		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
-%
-It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
-or lose.
-		-- Darrin Weinberg
-%
-It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
-better still to be a live lion.  And usually easier.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-It may be that your whole purpose in life
-is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-%
-It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
-%
-It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
-doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
-a new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
-by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
-in those who would gain by the new ones.
-		-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
-%
-It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
-that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
-starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
-%
-It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
-%
-It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
-one's life and then come round.
-		-- Lord Alfred Douglas
-%
-It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
-%
-It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
-they'll come out for it.
-		-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
-		Harry Cohn
-%
-It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones
-slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
-more.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
-%
-It seems a little silly now, but this country
-was founded as a protest against taxation.
-%
-It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
-be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
-unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
-artificial lubrication or foreplay.
-	-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
-	   "Sex, Art and American Culture"
-%
-It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
-		-- Chris Torek
-%
-It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
-language named "research student".
-%
-It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
-%
-It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
-to love with authority.  Women are simple souls who like simple things,
-and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give.  ...  Our family
-airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head.  The
-average wife is like that.
-	-- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
-%
-It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
-%
-It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
-%
-It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
-		-- Crazy Charlie
-%
-It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
-%
-It takes less time to do a thing right
-than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
-		-- H.W. Longfellow
-%
-It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
-%
-It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
-may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
-military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
-the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found
-a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
-officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
-Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
-		-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
-%
-It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
-but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
-system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
-some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
-sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
-		-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
-		   Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
-%
-It used to be the fun was in
-The capture and kill.
-In another place and time
-I did it all for thrills.
-		-- Lust to Love
-%
-It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
-%
-It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
-%
-It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
-since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and
-laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.
-		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
-%
-It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks
-never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.
-		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
-%
-It was all so different before everything changed.
-%
-It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
-when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
-		-- Dion, noted computer scientist
-%
-It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
-was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
-		--- James Dent
-%
-It was one time too many
-One word too few
-It was all too much for me and you
-There was one way to go
-Nothing more we could do
-One time too many
-One word too few
-		-- Meredith Tanner
-%
-It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
-%
-It was pity stayed his hand.  "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
-thought Frito.
-		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
-I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
-don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
-the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
-charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
-novelty.  Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
-yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
-man a lifetime.
-		-- Thomas Aldrich
-%
-It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
-road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
-and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water
-from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
-The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked
-to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a
-man appeared out of an upstairs window.
-	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
-	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
-would let me stay here for the night."
-	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
-okay with me."
-%
-It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
-Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-It was wonderful to find America, but it
-would have been more wonderful to miss it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
-		-- Tim Conway
-%
-It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
-It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
-%
-It would be nice to be sure of anything
-the way some people are of everything.
-%
-It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
-%
-italic, adj:
-	Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to
-	Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
-	are often slanted to the left.
-%
-It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
-%
-It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
-		-- Luke Skywalker
-%
-It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
-		-- Danny Vermin
-%
-It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
-and party!
-		-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
-%
-It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-		-- Andrew Jackson
-%
-It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-		-- Cheers
-%
-It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
-breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
-%
-It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
-%
-It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
-when you lose yours.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-It's all in the mind, ya know.
-%
-It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
-		-- Mick Jagger
-%
-"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome...  I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
-never missed.  The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really...  We come
-out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
-What is the point of it all?  Who thought up this sickening circle of
-flesh and blood?  We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
-half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
-then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever.  Who could
-have thought it up, I wonder?"
-		-- James Purdy
-%
-It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
-		-- Alex Clark
-%
-It's amazing how many people you could be friends
-with if only they'd make the first approach.
-%
-It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
-%
-It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
-%
-It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
-		-- Michael Arlen
-%
-It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
-but why do the rats always have to win?
-%
-It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
-		-- Tom Stoppard
-%
-It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
-		-- Marty Winch
-%
-It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
-%
-It's better to burn out than to fade away.
-%
-It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
-%
-It's business doing pleasure with you.
-%
-It's clever, but is it art?
-%
-It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
-%
-"It's easier said than done."
-
-... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
-said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
-said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
-done".
-%
-It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
-		-- Don Price
-%
-It's easier to get forgiveness for being
-wrong than forgiveness for being right.
-%
-It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
-		-- Washlesky
-%
-It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
-it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
-%
-It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.
-%
-It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
-		-- Macy's
-%
-Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
-in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
-the ignorance of the community.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It's faster horses,
-Younger women,
-Older whiskey and
-More money.
-		-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
-%
-It's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
-%
-It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
-first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
-kill somebody.
-		-- Dorothy Sayers
-%
-It's gonna be alright,
-It's almost midnight,
-And I've got two more bottles of wine.
-%
-It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
-even if most of them are bad.
-%
-It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
-If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
-%
-It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
-%
-It's hard to drive at the limit, but
-it's harder to know where the limits are.
-		-- Stirling Moss
-%
-It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-It's hard to keep your shirt on when
-you're getting something off your chest.
-%
-It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
-		-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
-%
-It's hard to think of you as the end
-result of millions of years of evolution.
-%
-It's important that people know what you stand for.
-It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
-%
-It's interesting to think that many quite
-distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
-%
-It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
-If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It isn't
-our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-		-- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
-%
-It's just apartment house rules,
-So all you 'partment house fools
-Remember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
-One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
-		-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
-%
-It's later than you think.
-%
-It's later than you think, the joint
-Russian-American space mission has already begun.
-%
-It's like deja vu all over again.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-It's Like This
-
-Even the samurai
-have teddy bears,
-and even the teddy bears
-get drunk.
-%
-It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
-you're going in the wrong direction.
-%
-It's multiple choice time...
-
-	What is FORTRAN?
-
-	a: Between thre and fiv tran.
-	b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
-	c: Ridiculous.
-%
-Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.
-It settles everything.  Some think it is the voice of God.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
-%
-It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding
-a sickness you like.
-		-- Jackie Mason
-%
-It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
-%
-It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-		-- Phil White
-%
-It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
-		-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
-%
-It's not easy being green.
-		-- Kermit
-%
-It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
-		-- Alexander Korda
-%
-It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith
-%
-It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
-%
-It's not that I'm afraid to die.
-I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
-%
-It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
-		-- Grantland Rice
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
-%
-It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
-the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
-"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
-what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
-		-- Roger Noe
-%
-It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts.
-		-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
-		   elected governor of California.
-
-[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
-for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
-%
-It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
-as a warning to others.
-%
-It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
-poverty and wealth have both failed.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
-%
-It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
-society will take full responsibility for you.
-%
-It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
-using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
-only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
-difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
-results to humans.
-
-	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
-%
-It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
-have been all over it.
-		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
-%
-It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
-	just to see if it's real,
-Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
-But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
-So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
-Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
-		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
-%
-It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
-Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
-%
-It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
-%
-It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
-%
-It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises
-the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
-boy gets another beer.
-		-- Cheers
-%
-"It's today!" said Piglet.
-"My favorite day," said Pooh.
-%
-It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
-madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
-%
-It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
-venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
-		-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
-%
-It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
-know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
-%
-IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
-    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
-    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
-	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
-	inevitably unsuccessful.
- V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
-	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
-	them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
-	adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
-	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
-	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
-	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
-VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
-	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
-	character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
-	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common
-	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky"
-	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
-	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
-		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
-I've already told you more than I know.
-%
-I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
-%
-I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
-when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
-%
-I've always made it a solemn practice to never
-drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
-		-- R. Nesson
-%
-I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I've Been Moved!
-%
-I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
-		-- Totie Fields
-%
-I've been on this lonely road so long,
-Does anybody know where it goes,
-I remember last time the signs pointed home,
-A month ago.
-		-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
-%
-I've been there.
-%
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General
-For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
-My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
-My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
-My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
-You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
-There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
-My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
-
-I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
-There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
-Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-
-		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
-		   "Modern Major General")
-%
-I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
-It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
-		-- Dennie van Tassel
-%
-I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-%
-I've got a very bad feeling about this.
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
-		-- Henny Youngman
-%
-I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.
-I'd like to watch him have another.
-%
-I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
-		-- Joel Halpern.
-%
-I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
-be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
-
-Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
-%
-I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-		-- George Gobel
-%
-I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
-		-- Keith Richards
-
-I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom.  I think that's the height of
-bad taste.
-		-- Keith Richards
-%
-I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
-%
-I've only got 12 cards.
-%
-I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They're not
-like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife;
-indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand
-devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this.
-I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
-		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
-%
-I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes
-me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
-	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
-	legislature is in session.
-%
-jake hates
-	  all the girls(the
-shy ones, the bold		paul scorns all
-ones; the meek				       the girls(the
-proud sloppy sleek)		bright ones, the dim
-all except the cold		ones; the slim
-		   ones		plump tiny tall)
-				all except the
-					      dull ones
-gus loves all the
-		 girls(the
-warped ones, the lamed		mike likes all the girls
-ones; the mad						(the
-moronic maimed)			fat ones, the lean
-all except			ones; the mean
-	  the dead ones		kind dirty clean)
-				all
-				   except the green ones
-		-- e e cummings
-%
-James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
-West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
-"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
-%
-Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
-east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
-Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
-because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
-by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
-grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
-television?" and "Good night".
-	-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
-	   Letters, 1967
-%
-Japan, n:
-	A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
-	create electronic equipment and computers using black magic.  It
-	is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
-	paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
-	which they are harvested by the happy natives.
-%
-Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
-%
-Jenkinson's Law:
-	It won't work.
-%
-Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.
-You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!
-%
-Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
-you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!
-%
-Jim Nasium's Law:
-	In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
-	using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
-	each other so that everybody is cramped.
-%
-Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
-I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
-days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
-%
-Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel
-Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it
-to you.  You gonna pay it?
-%
-JOB INTERVIEW:
-	The excruciating process during which personnel officers
-	separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
-%
-job Placement, n:
-	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
-%
-Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
-Her voice was little more than a whisper.
-	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
-before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
-I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
-forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported
-your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
-	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
-whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
-%
-Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
-%
-jogger, n:
-	An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
-%
-John			Dame May		Oscar
-Was Gay			Was Whitty		Was Wilde
-But Gerard Hopkins	But John Greenleaf	But Thornton
-Was Manley		Was Whittier		Was Wilder
-		-- Willard Espy
-%
-John Birch Society:
-	That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-		-- Edward P. Morgan
-%
-JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
-
-(George and Ringo miffed.)
-%
-John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
-Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
-Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
-Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
-The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
-Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
-And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
-Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
-		-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
-%
-Johnny Carson's Definition:
-	The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
-	in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
-	taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
-%
-Johnson's First Law:
-	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
-	most inconvenient possible time.
-%
-Johnson's law:
-	Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
-%
-Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".
-Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.
-%
-Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
-exciting people, and kill them.
-%
-Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
-meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
-%
-Jones' First Law:
-	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
-	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
-	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
-	importance of their original contribution.
-%
-Jones' Second Law:
-	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
-	to blame it on.
-%
-Joshu:	What is the true Way?
-Nansen:	Every way is the true Way.
-J:	Can I study it?
-N:	The more you study, the further from the Way.
-J:	If I don't study it, how can I know it?
-N:	The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
-	It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do
-	not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open
-	yourself as wide as the sky.
-%
-Journalism is literature in a hurry.
-		-- Matthew Arnold
-%
-Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
-%
-Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
-	Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
-	Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
-%
-Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
-reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
-someone else's cash.
-		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
-%
-Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
-Pick one.
-
-1:	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
-2:	It's cheaper than going to France.
-3:	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
-4:	Life is short.
-5:	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
-6:	It matches my eyes.
-7:	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
-8:	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
-9:	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
-10:	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
-11:	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
-12:	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
-%
-Just a song before I go,		Going through security
-To whom it may concern,			I held her for so long.
-Traveling twice the speed of sound	She finally looked at me in love,
-It's easy to get burned.		And she was gone.
-When the shows were over		Just a song before I go,
-We had to get back home,		A lesson to be learned.
-And when we opened up the door		Traveling twice the speed of sound
-I had to be alone.			It's easy to get burned.
-She helped me with my suitcase,
-She stands before my eyes,
-Driving me to the airport
-And to the friendly skies.
-		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
-%
-Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
-remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
-women.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
-seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
-totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner.  The reason
-there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
-the facts.  Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
-not acting from political motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep
-sense of respect for the whole truth.
-		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
-%
-Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
-		-- Irene Peter
-%
-Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
-%
-Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
-going to get hit.
-		-- Joey
-%
-Just because the message may never be
-received does not mean it is not worth sending.
-%
-Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
-are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
-what I mean.
-		-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
-%
-Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-Just because your doctor has a name for your
-condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
-%
-Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
-%
-Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
-and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
-		-- Glynda
-%
-Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
-%
-Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
-who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
-about his or her love affairs.
-		-- Rebecca West
-%
-Just machines to make big decisions,
-Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
-We'll be clean when their work is done,
-We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
-What a beautiful world this will be,
-What a glorious time to be free.
-		-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
-%
-Just once, I wish we would encounter
-an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
-		-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
-%
-Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
-		-- Buckeroo Banzai
-%
-`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
-	As he landed his crew with care;
-Supporting each man on the top of the tide
-	By a finger entwined in his hair.
-
-`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
-	That alone should encourage the crew.
-Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
-	What I tell you three times is true.'
-%
-Just to have it is enough.
-%
-Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
-of all the others, and then do what's best.
-		-- Lovers and Other Strangers
-%
-Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
-%
-Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
-Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
-I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
-Just can't remember who to send it to...
-
-Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
-I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
-I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
-But I always thought that I'd see you again.
-Thought I'd see you one more time again.
-		-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
-%
-JUSTICE:
-	A decision in your favor.
-%
-Justice is incidental to law and order.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-Justice, n:
-	A decision in your favor.
-%
-Kafka's Law:
-	In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-		-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
-%
-Kamikazes do it once.
-%
-KANSAS:
-	Where the men are men and so are the women!
-%
-Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
-
-For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
-package of snack food.
-
-Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
-
-For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
-of lunch meat.
-%
-Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
-Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
-	at the conception.
-		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
-%
-Katz' Law:
-	Men and nations will act rationally when
-	all other possibilities have been exhausted.
-
-History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
-exhausted all other alternatives.
-		-- Abba Eban
-%
-Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
-	Population density is inversely proportional
-	to the square of the distance from the keg.
-%
-Kaufman's Law:
-	A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
-	of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
-%
-Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
-%
-Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
-With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,
-Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
-The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
-Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
-		-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
-%
-Keep cool, but don't freeze.
-		-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
-%
-Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
-%
-Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
-%
-Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
-	1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
-	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
-	   force is technically termed "car suck").
-	2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
-	   than "Watch this!"
-	3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
-	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
-	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
-	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
-	4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
-	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
-	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
-	   in the head and knock you silly.
-%
-Keep it short for pithy sake.
-%
-Keep on keepin' on.
-%
-Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
-small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
-		-- Joe Bonanno
-%
-Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
-		-- D. Gries
-%
-Keep the phase, baby.
-%
-Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
-%
-Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way
-you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
-at the end of six months.
-		-- Moore
-%
-Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
-%
-Keep your Eye on the Ball,
-Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
-Your Nose to the Grindstone,
-Your Feet on the Ground,
-Your Head on your Shoulders.
-Now... try to get something DONE!
-%
-Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Keep your laws off my body!
-%
-Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
-Open it and you remove all doubt.
-%
-Kennedy's Market Theorem:
-	Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
-	you've got to go broke.
-%
-Kent's Heuristic:
-	Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
-%
-kern, v:
-	1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
-	of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
-	metal object used as part of the monetary system.
-%
-KERNEL:
-	A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
-	traditions of sorcery and black art.
-%
-Kettering's Observation:
-	Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
-%
-Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
-%
-Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could travel
-back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
-you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
-around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
-dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
-and slam the leaves.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Kill a commy for your mommy.
-%
-Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
-%
-Kill for the love of killing!  Kill for the love of Kali!
-		-- Hindu saying
-%
-Kill Kill,
-Hate Hate,
-Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
-%
-Kill your parents.
-		-- Jerry Rubin
-%
-Killing turkeys causes winter.
-%
-Kilroe hic erat!
-%
-Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
-	Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
-%
-KIN:
-	An affliction of the blood.
-%
-Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
-		-- Muad'dib
-%
-Kington's Law of Perforation:
-	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
-	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
-	part of the paper.
-%
-Kinkler's First Law:
-	Responsibility always exceeds authority.
-
-Kinkler's Second Law:
-	All the easy problems have been solved.
-%
-Kirk to Enterprise...
-%
-Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
-%
-Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
-%
-Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
-%
-Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
-%
-Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
-%
-Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
-%
-Kissing don't last, cookery do.
-		-- George Meredith
-%
-Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
-sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
-		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-Kitchen activity is highlighted.
-Butter up a friend.
-%
-Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Klatu barada nikto.
-%
-Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
-%
-Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
-%
-KLEPTOMANIAC:
-	A rich thief.
-%
-Kliban's First Law of Dining:
-	Never eat anything bigger than your head.
-%
-Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
-100% Damage to life support!!!!
-%
-Kludge, n:
-	An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
-	distressing whole.
-		-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
-%
-Knebel's Law:
-	It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
-	causes of statistics.
-%
-Knights are hardly worth it.
-I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
-%
-Knock, knock!
-	Who's there?
-Sam and Janet.
-	Sam and Janet who?
-Sam and Janet Evening...
-%
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Eather Bunny... Yea!
-[chorus]
-	Yeay!
-	Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
-	Stay on the Happy side of life!
-	Bum bum bum bum bum bum
-	You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
-	So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
-
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Anna!  (anna who?)
-	An another eather bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?)
-	Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?)
-	Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?)
-	Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Boo!  (boo who?)
-	Don't Cry!  Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
-%
-Knocked, you weren't in.
-		-- Opportunity
-%
-Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
-
--- No?
-
-GOOD!
-%
-Know Thy User.
-%
-Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
-%
-Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
-		-- Henry N. Camp
-%
-KNOWLEDGE:
-	Things you believe.
-%
-Knowledge is power.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
-		-- Aleister Crowley
-%
-Knowledge without common sense is folly.
-%
-Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
-Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
-Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
-Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
-Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"
-%
-Kramer's Law:
-	You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
-%
-Kramer's Law:
-You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
-%
-KROGT:
-	(chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
-	on fast-food game cards.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-LA:
-	Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
-	is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
-	From mud slides to brush fires.
-%
-Labor, n:
-	One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
-%
-Lack of money is the root of all evil.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Lackland's Laws:
-	1. Never be first.
-	2. Never be last.
-	3. Never volunteer for anything.
-%
-LACTOMANGULATION:
-	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
-	one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
-%
-Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
-Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
-I come before you to stand behind you
-To tell you of something I know nothing about.
-Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
-There will be a convention held in the
-Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
-Admission is free, pay at the door,
-Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
-It was a summer's day in winter,
-And the snow was raining fast,
-As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
-Stood sitting in the grass.
-Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
-Two dead men got up to fight.
-Three blind men to see fair play,
-Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
-Back to back, they faced each other,
-Drew their swords and shot each other.
-A deaf policeman heard the noise,
-Came and arrested those two dead boys.
-%
-Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
-boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.  That's
-the hardest shot for the well endowed.  "I've got to hit over them or
-under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
-to me.  Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
-her.
-		-- Billie Jean King
-%
-Lady, lady, should you meet
-One whose ways are all discreet,
-One who murmurs that his wife
-Is the lodestar of his life,
-One who keeps assuring you
-That he never was untrue,
-Never loved another one...
-Lady, lady, better run!
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
-%
-Lady Luck brings added income today.
-Lady friend takes it away tonight.
-%
-Lady Nancy Astor:
-	"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill:
-	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
-
-Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
-disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come
-sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
-
-	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
-luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
-helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
-	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
-white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
-	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
-her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
-you would pin this on your white meat."
-%
-Ladybug, ladybug,
-Look to your stern!
-Your house is on fire,
-Your children will burn!
-So jump ye and sing, for
-The very first time
-The four lines above
-Have been put into rhyme.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Laetrile is the pits.
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
-each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
-%
-Lake Erie died for your sins.
-%
-((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
-%
-Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
-duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
-table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
-manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
-of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
-candy, and said:
-	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
-%
-Language is a virus from another planet.
-	-- William Burroughs
-%
-Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
-Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
-Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
-      20,000 women.
-		-- Lank and Earl
-%
-Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
-[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time.  "Oh, sure,
-honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!"  With that
-he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
-		-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
-%
-Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
-performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
-		-- Lord Kalvin
-%
-Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
-	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
-times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
-twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while
-driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
-Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
-1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
-reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Larkinson's Law:
-	All laws are basically false.
-%
-LASER:
-	Failed death ray.
-%
-Last guys don't finish nice.
-		-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
-%
-Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
-the pillow was gone.
-		-- Tommy Cooper
-%
-Last night I met upon the stair
-A little man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today.
-Gee how I wish he'd go away!
-%
-Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
-The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police record.
-I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.    Cops have no sense of humor.
-%
-Last week's pet, this week's special.
-%
-Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
-every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
-I don't remember what it was.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-Latin is a language,
-As dead as can be.
-First it killed the Romans,
-And now it's killing me.
-%
-Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
-%
-Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
-%
-Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
-%
-Laugh at your problems:  everybody else does.
-%
-Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
-%
-Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
-%
-Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-		-- Victor Borge
-%
-Laura's Law:
-	No child throws up in the bathroom.
-%
-Lavish spending can be disastrous.
-Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
-%
-Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
-force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Law of Communications:
-	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
-	between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
-	area of misunderstanding.
-%
-Law of Continuity:
-	Experiments should be reproducible.
-	They should all fail the same way.
-%
-Law of Probable Dispersal:
-	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-%
-Law of Procrastination:
-	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
-	the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
-%
-Law of Selective Gravity:
-	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
-
-Jenning's Corollary:
-	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
-	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
-
-Law of the Perversity of Nature:
-	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
-%
-Law of the Jungle:
-	He who hesitates is lunch.
-%
-Law of the Yukon:
-	Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
-%
-Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
-%
-Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
-%
-Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.
-		-- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-Laws of Computer Programming:
-	1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
-	2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
-	3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
-	4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
-	5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
-	6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
-	7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
-		the programmer who must maintain it.
-%
-LAWSUIT:
-	A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Lawyer's Rule:
-	When the law is against you, argue the facts.
-	When the facts are against you, argue the law.
-	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
-%
-Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
-		-- S.J. Perelman
-%
-Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
-The reason, you will see, no doubt,
-Is to keep the lightning out.
-But what these unobservant birds
-Have failed to notice is that herds
-Of bears may come with buns
-And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
-%
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
-	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
-	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
-%
-LAZY:
-	Marrying a pregnant woman.
-%
-Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
-is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
-smaller -- and there are many more of them.
-		-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
-%
-Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
-%
-Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
-%
-Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
-%
-Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
-%
-LEARNING CURVE:
-	An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
-	in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
-	quicker you can do it.
-%
-Learning without thought is labor lost;
-thought without learning is perilous.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-Leave no stone unturned.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-Lee's Law:
-	Mother said there would be days like this,
-	but she never said that there'd be so many!
-%
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-%
-Leibowitz's Rule:
-	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
-	finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
-%
-Lemma:  All horses are the same color.
-Proof (by induction):
-	Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
-	horses in that set are the same color.
-	Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these
-	horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all
-	of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you
-	took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k
-	horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses
-	are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
-	horses are the same color.
-Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
-Proof (by intimidation):
-	Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It
-	is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
-	back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
-	horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
-	infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
-	However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
-	infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different
-	color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
-%
-Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
-%
-Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
-%
-Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
-%
-LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
-	Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
-	Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you.  Be on
-	your toes.  Brush your teeth.  Take Geritol.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
-	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.
-	Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
-	criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
-	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.  Your
-	ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
-	a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can
-	laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
-%
-Lesbian QOTD:
-I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
-%
-Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
-%
-Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
-%
-Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
-number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
-another number.
-					-- James Estes
-%
-Let me not to the marriage of true minds
-Admit impediments.  Love is not love
-Which alters when it alteration finds,
-Or bends with the remover to remove:
-O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
-That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
-It is the star to every wandering bark,
-Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
-Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
-Within his bending sickle's compass come;
-Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
-But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
-If this be error and upon me proved,
-I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-%
-Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
-%
-Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side, you have
-George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
-wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
-of the Republican Right.  For example, they had him make a speech oozing
-praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
-Union Leader and Slime Journalist.  Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
-in the 1980 New Hampshire primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute
-for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
-around his neck.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Let no guilty man escape.
-		-- U.S. Grant
-%
-Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
-%
-Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-		-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
-%
-Let sleeping dogs lie.
-		-- Charles Dickens
-%
-Let the machine do the dirty work.
-		-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
-%
-Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
-		-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
-%
-Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
-they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.
-		-- Capone
-%
-Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Let us go then you and I
-while the night is laid out against the sky
-like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
-
-"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
-	-- Ezra
-%
-Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
-The muttering retreats
-Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
-And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
-Streets that follow like a tedious argument
-Of insidious intent
-To lead you to an overwhelming question...
-Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%
-Let us live!!!
-Let us love!!!
-Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
-
-You first.
-%
-Let us never negotiate out of fear,
-but let us never fear to negotiate.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Let us not look back in anger or forward
-in fear, but around us in awareness.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
-%
-Let us treat men and women well;
-Treat them as if they were real;
-Perhaps they are.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Let your conscience be your guide.
-		-- Pope
-%
-L'etat c'est moi.
-[The state, that's me.]
-		-- Louis XIV
-%
-Let's do it.
-		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
-%
-Let's just be friends and make no special
-effort to ever see each other again.
-%
-Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
-relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
-really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
-For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
-I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy...
-Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
-		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
-%
-Let's love each other slowly,
-reaching for a plane,
-of exquisite pleasure,
-and delicate pain.
-		-- Adam Beslove
-%
-Let's not complicate our relationship
-by trying to communicate with each other.
-%
-Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
-%
-Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
-		-- Austen Briggs
-%
-Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
-hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
-Anguish.  You would sue:
-
-* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
-  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
-  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
-  in there".
-
-* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
-  cretin like yourself.
-
-* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
-  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
-  a large cash settlement anyway.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-LEVERAGE:
-	Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
-	about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
-%
-Leveraging always beats prototyping.
-%
-Lewis's Law of Travel:
-	The first piece of luggage out of the
-	chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
-%
-L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
-		-- L. Pasteur
-%
-LIAR:
-	A lawyer with a roving commission.
-%
-Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-LIBERAL:
-	Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
-%
-Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
-trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
-		-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
-%
-Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
-	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
-	for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and polite.  Someone
-	is watching you, so stop staring like that.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
-	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
-	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
-	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
-	of bed today.
-%
-LIE:
-	A very poor substitute for the truth,
-	but the only one discovered to date.
-%
-Lieberman's Law:
-	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
-%
-Lieberman's Law:
-Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
-%
-Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
-		-- Ma Barker
-%
-LIFE:
-	A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-%
-LIFE:
-	Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
-%
-LIFE:
-	That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
-%
-Life -- Love It or Leave It.
-%
-Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
-		-- Miss November, 1966
-%
-Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-		-- Paul Gauguin
-%
-Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
-%
-Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
-It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
-%
-Life exists for no known purpose.
-%
-Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
-being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
-thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
-system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
-		-- Valerie Solanas
-%
-Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
-environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
-round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
-%
-Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way
-out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
-		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
-%
-Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
-important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
-than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
-isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
-		-- Werner Erhard
-%
-Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
-%
-Life is a glorious cycle of song,
-A medley of extemporania;
-And love is thing that can never go wrong;
-And I am Marie of Roumania.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
-%
-Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
-		-- Helen Keller
-%
-Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
-%
-Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
-change his bed.
-		-- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-Life is a series of rude awakenings.
-		-- R.V. Winkle
-%
-Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
-humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
-%
-Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
-%
-Life is an exciting business, and most
-exciting when it is lived for others.
-%
-Life is both difficult and time consuming.
-%
-Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
-%
-Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
-%
-Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
-%
-Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
-%
-Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
-%
-Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
-%
-Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.
-		-- C. Schultz
-%
-"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
-%
-Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
-%
-Life is like a sewer.
-What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Life is like a tin of sardines.
-We're, all of us, looking for the key.
-		-- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
-you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel it off
-one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
-layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
-		-- James Huneker
-%
-Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
-going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
-being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
-%
-Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're
-the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
-%
-Life is not for everyone.
-%
-Life is one long struggle in the dark.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-Life is the childhood of our immortality.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Life is the living you do,
-Death is the living you don't do.
-		-- Joseph Pintauro
-%
-Life is the urge to ecstasy.
-%
-Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
-%
-Life is too short to be taken seriously.
-		-- O. Wilde
-%
-Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
-		-- Storm Jameson
-%
-Life is wasted on the living.
-		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
-%
-Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-		-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
-%
-Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
-		-- Don Reed
-%
-Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
-it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
-%
-Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
-Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
-		-- Dag Hammarskjold
-%
-Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
-certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
-I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
-afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
-absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
-embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
-%
-Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
-		-- Thomas J. Kopp
-%
-Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
-		-- Sanka Ad
-%
-Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
-	-- Dave Olson
-%
-Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
-%
-Lift every voice and sing
-Till earth and heaven ring,
-Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
-Let our rejoicing rise
-High as the listening skies,
-Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
-
-Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
-Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
-Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
-Let us march on till victory is won.
-		-- James Weldon Johnson
-%
-Lighten up, while you still can,
-Don't even try to understand,
-Just find a place to make your stand,
-And take it easy.
-		-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
-%
-LIGHTHOUSE:
-	A tall building on the seashore in which the government
-	maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
-%
-LIKE:
-	When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
-%
-Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
-the difference between one young woman and another.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
-%
-Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
-shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
-as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
-bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
-she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
-man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
-right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
-		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner
-
-The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
-see her little dog Pritzi again.
-		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up
-
-It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
-tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
-was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
-		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
-
-Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
-named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
-night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
-worst possible novel.
-%
-Like corn in a field I cut you down,
-I threw the last punch way too hard,
-After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
-To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
-And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
-I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
-And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
-And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
-I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
-	And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
-	I'm as low as a paid assassin is
-	You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
-	I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
-	You know I can't think straight no more
-	You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
-		a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
-		-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
-%
-Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
-weren't so damned great!
-		-- Armistead Maupin
-%
-Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
-if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
-now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
-like the Rolling Stones?
-		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
-		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
-%
-Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
-It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
-over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
-His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the
-other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
-religions.
-		-- Benjamin Spock
-%
-Like punning, programming is a play on words.
-%
-Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
-a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
-for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-		-- Alan McKay
-%
-Like the time I ran away...
-And turned around and you were standing close to me.
-		-- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
-%
-Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
-%
-Like ya know?  Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
-creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
-essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
-the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
-rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
-		-- Senior Year Quote
-%
-Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
-place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:
-
-	Q -- Is there life after death?
-	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
-Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
-then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
-fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
-spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
-headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
-to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
-guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
-as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
-wins few friends, Germans excepted.
-		-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
-%
-Limericks are art forms complex,
-Their topics run chiefly to sex.
-	They usually have virgins,
-	And masculine urgin's,
-And other erotic effects.
-%
-"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
-Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
-
-Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
-in it he found that the damned things diverged.
-		-- Piet Hein
-%
-Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you.
-	I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
-Snoopy:	That's nice to know.
-	The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
-%
-Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
-	Maybe we should think only about today.
-Charlie Brown:
-	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday
-	will get better.
-%
-Linus' Law:
-	There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
-%
-Lions in the street and roaming,
-Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
-A beast caged in the heart of the city.
-The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
-He fled the town.
-Went down south across the border,
-Left the chaos and disorder
-Back there, over his shoulder.
-One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
-A strange creature groaning beside him.
-Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
-Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.
-		-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
-%
-LISP:
-	To call a spade a thpade.
-%
-Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
-Lisp Machine is Fun.
-Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
-Fun for everyone.
-%
-Lisp Users:
-Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
-%
-Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
-the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
-but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
-right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem.
-But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
-bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
-This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
-their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
-that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
-just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
-a panacea so alleged.
-		-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
-		been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
-		the recession?"
-%
-Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
-Life is the other way around.
-		-- David Lodge
-%
-Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
-is the other way round.
-		-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
-%
-Littering is dumb.
-		-- Ronald Macdonald
-%
-Little Fly,
-Thy summer's play		If thought is life
-My thoughtless hand		And strength & breath,
-Has brush'd away.		And the want
-				Of thought is death,
-Am not I
-A fly like thee?		Then am I
-Or art not thou			A happy fly
-A man like me?			If I live
-				Or if I die.
-
-For I dance
-And drink & sing,
-Till some blind hand
-Shall brush my wing.
-		-- William Blake, "The Fly"
-%
-Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
-sophisticated computer network!  It was a Tolkein Ring...
-%
-Little Known Facts, #23:
-	Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
-	the BMW repair garage?
-%
-Little Mary on the ice,
-Went out to have a frisk,
-Now wasn't little Mary nice,
-Her pretty *?
-%
-Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
-		-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
-%
-Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
-		-- James Dean
-%
-Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
-%
-Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
-%
-Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
-published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
-you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
-		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
-%
-Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
-What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
-%
-Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
-What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
-%
-Living in New York City gives people real incentives
-to want things that nobody else wants.
-		-- Andy Warhol
-%
-Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
-like having bees live in your head.  But, there they are.
-%
-Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
-includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
-%
-LIVING YOUR LIFE:
-	A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
-%
-Lizzie Borden took an axe,
-And plunged it deep into the VAX;
-Don't you envy people who
-Do all the things YOU want to do?
-%
-Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Lobster:
-	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
-squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
-proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
-guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
-The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
-floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
-behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
-"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
-scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
-apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
-even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
-the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
-be, too.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Lobster:
-  Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
-  about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
-  method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
-  guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
-  cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
-  the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the
-  lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
-  eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
-  flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
-  refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will
-  squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
-  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly
-  you and your friends will be, too.
-		-- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
-                   into Excuses and Apologies
-%
-Lockwood's Long Shot:
-	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
-	aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
-%
-Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
-		-- Marvin Minsky
-%
-Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
-%
-Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
-%
-Logic is a systematic method of coming
-to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
-%
-Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
-%
-Logicians have but ill defined
-As rational the human kind.
-Logic, they say, belongs to man,
-But let them prove it if they can.
-		-- Oliver Goldsmith
-%
-LOGO for the Dead
-
-LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
-"The Other Side."
-
-The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
-turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo's
-graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
-side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that
-your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
-interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
-lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
-Bulletin Board System).
-
-LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
-from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
-		-- '80 Microcomputing
-%
-Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
-%
-Lonely is a man without love.
-		-- Englebert Humperdinck
-%
-Lonely men seek companionship.
-Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
-%
-Lonesome?
-
-Like a change?
-Like a new job?
-Like excitement?
-Like to meet new and interesting people?
-
-JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
-%
-Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
-be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
-The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
-%
-Long life is in store for you.
-%
-Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
-long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
-pain and his aloneness without regret?
-		-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
-%
-Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
-%
-Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
-%
-Look at it this way:
-Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
-home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
-And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Look at it this way:
-Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
-forget $26,000 of college education.
-And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Look before you leap.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Look ere ye leap.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Look out!  Behind you!
-%
-Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
-con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this
-country was built.
-		-- Hubert Allen
-%
-Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
-		-- Stephen Sondheim
-%
-Loose bits sink chips.
-%
-Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
-		-- Charles D'Hericault
-%
-Lord, what fools these mortals be!
-		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
-%
-Losing your drivers' license is just
-God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
-%
-Lost: gray and white female cat.
-Answers to electric can opener.
-%
-Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
-%
-Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
-		-- Frank Hubbard
-%
-Lots of girls can be had for a song.
-Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
-%
-Louie Louie, me gotta go
-Louie Louie, me gotta go
-
-Fine little girl she waits for me
-Me catch the ship for cross the sea
-Me sail the ship all alone		Three nights and days me sail the sea
-Me never thinks me make it home		Me think of girl constantly
-(chorus)				On the ship I dream she there
-					I smell the rose in her hair
-Me see Jamaica moon above		(chorus, guitar solo)
-It won't be long, me see my love
-I take her in my arms and then
-Me tell her I never leave again
-		-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
-%
-Louie, Louie, me gotta go
-Louie, Louie, me gotta go
-
-Fine little girl she waits for me
-Me catch the ship for cross the sea
-Me sail the ship all alone
-Me never thinks me make it home
-	[chorus]
-
-Three nights and days me sail the sea
-Me think of girl constantly
-On the ship I dream she there
-I smell the rose in her hair
-	[chorus; guitar solo]
-
-Me see Jamaica moon above
-It won't be long, me see my love
-I take her in my arms and then
-Me tell her I never leave again
-		-- the real words to "Louie Louie"
-%
-LOVE:
-	I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
-%
-LOVE:
-	Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
-%
-LOVE:
-	When, if asked to choose between your lover
-	and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
-%
-LOVE:
-	When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
-%
-LOVE:
-	When you don't want someone too close--
-	because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
-%
-LOVE:
-	When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
-%
-Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
-%
-Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
-%
-Love America - or give it back.
-%
-Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
-%
-Love at first sight is one of the greatest
-labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
-%
-Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
-Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
-		-- Oscar Hammerstein II
-%
-Love is a grave mental disease.
-		-- Plato
-%
-Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
-		-- Matt Groening
-%
-Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
-over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.
-		-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
-%
-Love is a word that is constantly heard,
-Hate is a word that is not.
-Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
-Love, I have read, is hot.
-But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
-And Love but a drug on the mart.
-Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
-But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and
-go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your
-arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
-%
-Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
-real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
-		-- Dr. Karl Bowman
-%
-Love is being stupid together.
-		-- Paul Valery
-%
-Love is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed
-around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
-Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
-%
-Love is in the offing.
-		-- The Homicidal Maniac
-%
-Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
-%
-Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very
-pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love
-grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
-and unquenchable.
-		-- Bruce Lee
-%
-Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
-		-- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-Love is never asking why?
-%
-Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
-%
-Love is sentimental measles.
-%
-Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
-%
-Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
-raises some pretty good questions.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Love is the desire to prostitute oneself.  There is, indeed, no exalted
-pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
-		-- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
-		-- M. Hirschfield
-%
-Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
-		-- Saint Exupery
-%
-Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
-%
-Love is what you've been through with somebody.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
-%
-Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
-		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
-%
-Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
-momentum.
-%
-Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
-		-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
-%
-Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
-%
-Love means never having to say you're sorry.
-		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
-
-That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
-		-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
-%
-Love means nothing to a tennis player.
-%
-Love tells us many things that are not so.
-		-- Krainian Proverb
-%
-Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.
-%
-Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
-		-- Louise Beal
-%
-Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
-%
-Love to eat them mousies,
-Mousies I love to eat.
-Bite they little heads off,
-Nibble at they tiny feet.
-		-- Kliban
-%
-Love to eat them mousies,
-Mousies what I love to eat.
-Bite they little heads off,
-Nibble on they tiny feet.
-		-- Kliban
-%
-Love to eat them mousies;
-Mousies what I love to eat.
-Bite they tiny heads off,
-Nibble on they tiny feet!
-		-- Kilban
-%
-Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
-	seized this one for the fair form
-	that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
-Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
-	seized me so strongly with delight in him,
-	that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
-Love brought us to one death.
-		-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
-%
-Love your enemies:  they'll go crazy
-trying to figure out what you're up to.
-%
-Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Lowery's Law:
-	If it jams -- force it.  If it
-	breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
-%
-LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
-%
-Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
-	There's always one more bug.
-%
-Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
-British automotive electrical systems.  Professionals call the company "The
-Prince of Darkness".  Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
-nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground.  The British
-don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do.  The British drink warm
-beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
-%
-Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
-		-- Russell Banks
-%
-Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
-		-- P.E. Trudeau
-%
-Lucky, adj:
-	When you have a wife and a cigarette
-	lighter -- both of which work.
-%
-Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
-%
-Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
-	Can't you be serious for once?
-Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
-	of the more important things in life!
-	(pause)
-	Tomorrow!!
-%
-Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-		-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
-%
-LUNATIC ASYLUM:
-	The place where optimism most flourishes.
-%
-Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
-		-- Bergan Evans
-%
-Lysistrata had a good idea.
-%
-Ma Bell is a mean mother!
-%
-MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
-%
-"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
-"What about X?"
-"I said `intellectual'."
-		;login, 9/1990
-%
-Machine-independent program:
-	A program that will not run on any machine.
-%
-Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.
-		-- Andy Warhol
-%
-Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
-repairman arrives.
-%
-macho, adj.:
-	Jogging home from your vasectomy.
-%
-Macho does not prove mucho.
-		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
-%
-MAD:
-	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-%
-Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
-if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Madison's Inquiry:
-	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-%
-Madness takes its toll.
-%
-Magary's Principle:
-	When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
-	government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
-	the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
-%
-Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
-%
-Magnet, n.:  Something acted upon by magnetism.
-
-Magnetism, n.:  Something acting upon a magnet.
-
-The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
-thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
-great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
-%
-MAGNOCARTIC:
-	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-magnocartic, adj:
-	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
-	carts.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-MAGPIE:
-	A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
-	to someone that it might be taught to talk.
-		-- A. Bierce
-%
-MAIDEN AUNT:
-	A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
-%
-Maiden, n:
-	A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
-	views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide geographical
-	distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
-	The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
-	piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
-	comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
-	the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
-	canary -- which, also, is more portable.
-
-Male, n:
-	A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the
-	human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus
-	has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Maier's Law:
-	If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
-		-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
-
-Corollaries:
-	1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
-	2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
-	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
-	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
-%
-Main's Law:
-	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-%
-Maintainer's Motto:
-	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
-%
-Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you're a coward!
-Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season.
-Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward!
-%
-Major premise:
-	Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
-Minor premise:
-	A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
-Conclusion:
-	Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
-
-Secondary Conclusion:
-	Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
-	would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
-%
-Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
-		-- Robert Moses
-%
-MAJORITY:
-	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
-%
-Make a wish, it might come true.
-%
-Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
-%
-Make it right before you make it faster.
-%
-Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
-		-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
-%
-Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
-%
-Make war not sex.  (It's safer.)
-%
-Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
-tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It has
-been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
-message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
-%
-Malek's Law:
-	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
-%
-MALPRACTICE:
-	The reason surgeons wear masks.
-%
-MAN:
-	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
-	is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
-	occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
-	which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
-	the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-		-- A. Bierce
-%
-Man and wife make one fool.
-%
-Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
-he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
-all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
-time.  But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
-far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
-		-- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
-%
-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Man is a military animal,
-Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
-		-- P.J. Bailey
-%
-Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
-is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
-no dog exchanges bones with another.
-		-- Adam Smith
-%
-Man is by nature a political animal.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
-and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Man is the measure of all things.
-		-- Protagoras
-%
-Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
-with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-		-- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
-%
-Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
-for he is the only animal that is struck with the
-difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
-		-- William Hazlitt
-%
-Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
-		-- Arthur R. Miller
-%
-Man proposes, God disposes.
-		-- Thomas a Kempis
-%
-Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
-unless it is an enemy.
-		-- A. Einstein
-%
-Man who arrives at party two hours late
-will find he has been beaten to the punch.
-%
-Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
-%
-Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
-%
-Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
-%
-Man will never fly.
-Space travel is merely a dream.
-All aspirin is alike.
-%
-Management:	How many feet do mice have?
-Reply:		Mice have four feet.
-M:	Elaborate!
-R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
-M:	No discussion of fifth appendage!
-R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
-M:	What?  Feet with no legs?
-R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
-M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
-R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
-M:	Does not fully discuss the issue!
-R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg
-	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
-	is not equipped with a foot.
-M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!
-R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,
-	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
-	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
-M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
-R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
-	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also
-	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
-	ornamental in nature.
-M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!
-R:	Mice have four feet.
-%
-MANAGEMENT:
-	The art of getting other people to do all the work.
-%
-MANAGER:
-	A man known for giving great meeting.
-%
-man-hour, n:
-	A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
-%
-MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
-	Easy glum, easy glow.
-%
-Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
-		-- Plotinus
-%
-Manly's Maxim:
-	Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
-	with confidence.
-%
-Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
-%
-Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
-%
-Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
-conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
-		-- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-manual, n:
-	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given
-	item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information
-	you need in in the others.
-		-- Ray Simard
-%
-Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
-		-- George M. Cohan
-%
-Many a family tree needs trimming.
-%
-Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so.  It
-is not so.  It is so.  It is not so.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
-%
-Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
-get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
-		-- Finley Peter Dunne
-%
-Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
-can easily support two or more.
-%
-Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
-except when he can't understand his own meaning.
-		-- George D. Prentice
-%
-Many are called, few are chosen.
-Fewer still get to do the choosing.
-%
-Many are called, few volunteer.
-%
-Many are cold, but few are frozen.
-%
-Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
-%
-Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
-certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
-devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
-their data processing systems.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
-weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
-weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
-but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
-he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
-		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
-%
-Many hands make light work.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
-%
-Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance,
-the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
-fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
-Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
-read.  [...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
-by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They
-are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
-successively.  The counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations
-should be confined to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still,
-while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
-		-- Francis Galton, 1909
-%
-Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
-tricks on me and treating me badly.
-		-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
-%
-Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
-life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
-		-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
-%
-Many pages make a thick book.
-%
-Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
-very thin paper.
-%
-Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
-which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
-%
-Many people are secretly interested in life.
-%
-Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
-%
-Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
-%
-Many people feel that if you won't let
-them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
-%
-Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
-recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
-%
-Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
-%
-Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
-%
-Many receive advice, few profit by it.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
-there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
-was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
-completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Margaret, are you grieving
-Over Goldengrove unleaving?
-Leaves, like the things of man,
-You, with your fresh thoughts
-Care for, can you?
-Ah! as the heart grows older
-It will come to such sights colder
-By and by, nor spare a sigh
-Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
-And yet you will weep and know why.
-Now no matter, child, the name
-Sorrow's springs are the same:
-It is the blight man was born for,
-It is Margaret you mourn for.
-		-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
-%
-Marigold:		Jealousy
-Mint:			Virute
-Orange blossom:		Your purity equals your loveliness
-Orchid:			Beauty, magnificence
-Pansy:			Thoughts
-Peach blossom:		I am your captive
-Petunia:		Your presence soothes me
-Poppy:			Sleep
-Rose, any color:	Love
-Rose, deep red:		Bashful shame
-Rose, single, pink:	Simplicity
-Rose, thornless, any:	Early attachment
-Rose, white:		I am worthy of you
-Rose, yellow:		Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
-Rosebud, white:		Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
-Rosemary:		Rememberance
-Sunflower:		Haughtiness
-Tulip, red:		Declaration of love
-Tulip, yellow:		Hopeless love
-Violet, blue:		Faithfulness
-Violet, white:		Modesty
-Zinnia:			Thoughts of absent friends
-	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
-%
-Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
-%
-Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
-who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
-it in order to protect themselves.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
-	Dentists are incapable of asking questions
-	that require a simple yes or no answer.
-%
-MARRIAGE:
-	An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
-	in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
-	that love.  In short, commitment to an institution.
-%
-MARRIAGE:
-	Convertible bonds.
-%
-Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
-insincerity possible between two human beings.
-		-- Vicki Baum
-%
-Marriage causes dating problems.
-%
-Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
-		-- Edmond About
-%
-Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
-%
-Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
-not ready for an institution yet.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
-surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
-		-- James Garner
-%
-Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
-%
-Marriage is a three ring circus:
-engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-		-- Roger Price
-%
-Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
-to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
-%
-Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
-exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
-in the brewery.
-		-- George Jean Nathan
-%
-Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
-%
-Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
-chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
-%
-Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
-		-- Baskins
-%
-Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
-burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Marriage is the process of finding out what
-kind of man your wife would have preferred.
-%
-Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
-%
-Marriage, n:
-	The evil aye.
-%
-Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
-		-- John Lyly
-%
-Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
-%
-MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
-connected by a thin strand.
-
-Come on, Marta, grow up.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
-of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
-territory from invasion by another group."
-
-"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?
-Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
-		-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
-%
-'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me!
-What a finely tuned response to the situation!
-%
-Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
-and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
-Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
-grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
-	"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
-named a drink Fred?"
-%
-Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
-	Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
-And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
-It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
-It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
-She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
-And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
-It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
-The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
-The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
-Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
-Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
-So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
-		-- Alma Garcia
-%
-Maryann's Law:
-	You can always find what you're not looking for.
-%
-Maslow's Maxim:
-	If the only tool you have is a hammer,
-	you treat everything like a nail.
-%
-Mason's First Law of Synergism:
-The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
-%
-Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
-%
-Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
-	-- Christopher Hampton
-%
-Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Mater artium necessitas.
-	[Necessity is the mother of invention].
-%
-Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
-		-- Malcolm Smith
-%
-MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
-	Please, don't drink and derive.
-
-	Mathematicians
-	Against
-	Drunk
-	Deriving
-%
-Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
-		-- R. Drabek
-%
-mathematician, n:
-	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
-%
-Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they
-translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
-entirely different.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
-into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
-		-- Henry Adams
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
-to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
-one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
-		-- Russell
-%
-Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
-a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
-part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
-yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
-greatest art can show.  The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
-of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
-to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Matrimony is the root of all evil.
-%
-Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
-%
-Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
-nor can it be returned without a receipt.
-%
-Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
-%
-[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
-where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
-more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
-		-- S. Kierkegaard
-%
-Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Matz's Law:
-	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-%
-May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
-versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
-%
-May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
-%
-May all your PUSHes be POPped.
-%
-May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
-%
-May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
-%
-May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
-%
-May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
-God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
-he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
-%
-May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
-%
-May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
-%
-May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
-%
-May you have warm words on a cold evening,
-a full moon on a dark night,
-and a smooth road all the way to your door.
-%
-May you live in uninteresting times.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-May your camel be as swift as the wind.
-%
-May your SO always know when you need a hug.
-%
-May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
-Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
-%
-Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
-lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-		-- R.S. Barton
-%
-Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
-earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
-%
-"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
-other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
-had to seek professional help."
-%
-Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
-these days you can certainly charge it.
-%
-May's Law:
-	The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density
-	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
-%
-McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
-%
-McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
-	When traveling with a herd of elephants,
-	don't be the first to lie down and rest.
-%
-Meader's Law:
-	Whatever happens to you, it will previously
-	have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
-%
-Meade's Maxim:
-Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
-just like everyone else.
-%
-Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
-Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
-[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
-AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
-[P]hud!  Bashe!  Crasch!  Beoom!  [D]e bigge gye
-Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
-Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
-Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
-Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
-Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
-Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
-Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
-"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
-Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
-Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
-Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
-Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
-Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
-%
-Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
-has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
-moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
-magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to
-have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
-get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
-of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
-oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
-hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
-venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
-bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
-aren't destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
-arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
-of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
-to mouth...
-%
-Measure twice, cut once.
-%
-Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
-%
-Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
-		-- Frederick Crane
-%
-Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
-%
-Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
-%
-Meeting:
-	An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
-	person or department not represented in the room must solve the
-	problem.
-%
-meeting, n:
-	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
-	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
-%
-MEETINGS:
-	A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
-%
-Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
-corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
-in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-MEMO:
-	An interoffice communication too often written more for
-	the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
-	who receives it.
-%
-MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I
-remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
-drive and drive.
-
-I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
-smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
-played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We'd eat
-some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
-
-I guess some things never leave you.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Memory fault -- brain fried
-%
-Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
-%
-Memory fault - where am I?
-%
-Memory should be the starting point of the present.
-%
-Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
-		-- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
-hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should
-never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they
-will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average
-man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned,
-through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
-ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
-tie with that suit, are you?").  So he has narrowed it down to three safe
-ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him
-a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-	If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
-than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-of tires.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Men are superior to women.
-	-- The Koran
-%
-Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-		-- Jayne Mansfield
-%
-Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
-They're attracted by what I don't mind...
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-		-- Julius Caesar
-%
-Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
-thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
-rights as women have of their wrongs.
-		-- E.W. Howe
-%
-Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
-%
-Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
-%
-Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
-pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
-		-- Leonardo da Vinci
-%
-Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
-%
-Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
-at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
-%
-Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
-pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
-and tears.  ...  It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
-inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
-sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
-and acts that are contrary to habit...
-		-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
-%
-Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-		-- DeSegur
-%
-Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
-%
-Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
-%
-Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
-		-- Napoleon Bonaparte
-%
-Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
-and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
-from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
-Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
-before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Men who cherish for women the highest
-respect are seldom popular with them.
-		-- Joseph Addison
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
-	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
-	The quality of a champagne is judged by the
-	amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
-
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
-	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
-	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
-	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
-	can ever hope to acquire it.
-%
-Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
-%
-Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
-corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
-favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
-		-- Piers Anthony
-%
-Mental things which have not gone in through the
-senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
-		-- Leonardo
-%
-MENU:
-	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
-%
-Meskimen's Law:
-	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
-	do it over.
-%
-Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
-%
-Message will arrive in the mail.
-Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
-%
-METEOROLOGIST:
-	One who doubts the established fact that it is
-	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
-%
-Metermaids eat their young.
-%
-Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
-%
-MICRO:
-	Thinker toys.
-%
-Micro Credo:
-	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
-%
-Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
-%
-Microwaves frizz your heir.
-%
-Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
-%
-Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to
-get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
-		-- Casablanca
-%
-Miksch's Law:
-	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
-%
-Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
-%
-Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Miller's Slogan:
-	Lose a few, lose a few.
-%
-millihelen, adj:
-	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-%
-Millions long for immortality who do not know what
-to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-		-- Susan Ertz
-%
-Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
-almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
-they say.  "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they are presented with a
-President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
-lives for the next four years.  Consider all the people who sat home in a
-stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.
-Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
-Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
-the gold and the black.
-		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
-%
-Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
-particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
-to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
-But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
-shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
-me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
-%
-"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
-%
-"Mind if I smoke?"
-	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
-%
-Mind your own business, Spock.
-I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
-%
-Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
-%
-Minicomputer:
-	A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
-	manager.
-%
-Minnesota --
-	home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
-	mosquito supplier to the free world.
-	come fall in love with a loon.
-	where visitors turn blue with envy.
-	one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
-	land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
-	where the elite meet sleet.
-	glove it or leave it.
-	many are cold, but few are frozen.
-	land of the ski and home of the crazed.
-	land of 10,000 Petersons.
-%
-Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
-%
-MIPS:
-	Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
-%
-Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-	-- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
-%
-Misery no longer loves company.
-Nowadays it insists on it.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-MISFORTUNE:
-	The kind of fortune that never misses.
-%
-Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
-%
-MISS:
-	A title with which we brand unmarried
-	women to indicate that they are in the market.
-%
-Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
-%
-Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
-%
-MIT:
-	The Georgia Tech of the North
-%
-Mitchell's Law of Committees:
-	Any simple problem can be made insoluble
-	if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
-%
-mittsquinter, adj:
-	A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
-	if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
-it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
-		-- Horace
-%
-mixed emotions:
-	Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
-	With five empty seats.
-%
-Mix's Law:
-	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
-	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
-%
-Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
-%
-MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
-
-  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
-2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
-2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
-  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
-  Cinnamon
-
-Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
-RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
-and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
-juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
-with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
-crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
-steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
-is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
-%
-Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
-		-- P.J. Denning
-%
-modem, adj:
-	Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An
-	unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
-%
-Moderation in all things.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
-%
-Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
-themselves that they have a better idea.
-		-- John Ciardi
-%
-Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
-%
-Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
-function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
-other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
-brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
-Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
-conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected.  But it
-is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
-assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
-Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot
-logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
-		-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
-		   Theory", 1949
-%
-MODESTY:
-	Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
-%
-Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith
-%
-Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
-	not to be aware of it.
-		-- Oliver Herford
-%
-Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
-Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
-Moe:	So?
-Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
-%
-Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
-Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
-%
-Moebius always does it on the same side.
-%
-Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him
-how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
-The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
-%
-Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
-in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
-hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
-the world.  Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
-but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
-So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
-over the muscular giant siting beside him.  Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
-the man was sound asleep.  But now the little man had another problem.  How in
-the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
-awakened?  The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
-woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
-	"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
-%
-MOLECULE:
-	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished from
-	the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
-	closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
-	of matter...  The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
-	the atom in that it is an ion...
-%
-Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
-	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
-	and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
-%
-MOMENTUM:
-	What you give a person when they are going away.
-%
-Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
-%
-Mom's Law:
-	When they finally do have to take you to the
-	hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
-%
-MONDAY:
-	In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
-%
-Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
-things we have.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
-%
-Money cannot buy
-The fuel of love
-but is excellent kindling.
-
-To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
-Is a keen observer of life,
-The word intellectual suggests right away
-A man who's untrue to his wife.
-		-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
-%
-Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
-awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
-		-- C.B. Luce
-%
-Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-Money doesn't talk, it swears.
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Money is its own reward.
-%
-Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
-%
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-%
-Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
-		-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
-%
-Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
-%
-Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
-puts you in a great bargaining position.
-%
-Money will say more in one moment than
-the most eloquent lover can in years.
-%
-Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
-		-- Andries van Dam
-%
-Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
-		-- H.H. Munro
-%
-MONOTONY:
-	Marriage to one woman at a time.
-%
-MONTANA:
-	A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
-%
-MONTANA:
-	Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
-%
-Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
-in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
-of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
-		-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
-%
-moon, n:
-	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
-hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
-%
-Moore's Constant:
-	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
-	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
-%
-MOPHOBIA:
-	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
-mophobia, n:
-	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
-More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
-		-- Vauvenargues
-%
-More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
-		-- R.S. Surtees
-%
-More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
-%
-More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
-%
-MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
-The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
-night.  The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
-waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
-the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase.  The stalemate was
-broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
-the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
-At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
-full of ka-ka."  This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
-%
-More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path
-leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
-Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
-%
-Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
-religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
-One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
-man all my life.  Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
-just once?"
-	The despondent fellow returned week after week.  One day, Morris,
-nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
-I just want to win one little lottery."
-	"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
-least meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket!"
-%
-Morton's Law:
-	If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
-%
-Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
-wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
-		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
-%
-Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
-	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
-	If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
-%
-MOSQUITO:
-	The state bird of New Jersey.
-%
-Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
-%
-Most folks they like the daytime,
-	'cause they like to see the shining sun.
-They're up in the morning,
-	off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
-But when the sun goes down,
-	and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
-
-Now there are two sides to this great big world,
-	and one of them is always night.
-If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
-	I guess you're gonna be all right.
-Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
-	My eyes just can't stand the light.
-
-'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
-		-- Carly Simon
-%
-Most general statements are false, including this one.
-		-- Alexander Dumas
-%
-Most of our lives are about proving something,
-either to ourselves or to someone else.
-%
-Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
-difficulties before we get to them.
-		-- Dr. Frank Crane
-%
-...most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably
-useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
-hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
-and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
-lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
-which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not
-speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
-of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution
-has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
-		-- Alix Kates Shulman
-%
-Most of your faults are not your fault.
-%
-Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
-%
-Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
-they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
-to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
-moon.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
-%
-Most people deserve each other.
-		-- Shirley
-%
-Most people don't need a great deal of love
-nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
-%
-Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
-		-- E.W. Howe
-%
-Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
-%
-Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
-only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial
-quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
-		-- W.S. Maugham
-%
-Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
-%
-Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
-a good reason, and the real reason.
-%
-Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
-at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
-		-- Susan Sontag
-%
-Most people need some of their problems
-to help take their mind off some of the others.
-%
-Most people prefer certainty to truth.
-%
-Most people want either less corruption
-or more of a chance to participate in it.
-%
-Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
-if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
-%
-Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
-%
-Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
-%
-Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
-can't talk for people who can't read.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
-%
-Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-		-- Richard Lewis
-%
-MOTHER:
-	Half a word.
-%
-Mother Earth is not flat!
-%
-Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
-there would be so many.
-%
-Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
-would be so many.
-%
-Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
-%
-Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
-don't want them to become politicians in the process.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
-Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
-		-- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
-%
-Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
-%
-MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
-%
-Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
-of the day.
-%
-Mr. Cole's Axiom:
-	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
-	population is growing.
-%
-Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from
-the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's
-shirts but they're going back.
-%
-Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
-you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
-%
-Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
-renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
-at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
-%
-Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
-Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
-lessons or what?
-%
-Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
-When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
-wrong, "Up to a point."
-	"Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean?  Capital of Japan?
-Yokohama isn't it?"
-	"Up to a point, Lord Copper."
-	"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
-	"Definitely, Lord Copper."
-		-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
-%
-MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
-		-- Henry Spencer
-%
-Much of the excitement we get out of our work
-is that we don't really know what we are doing.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
-He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
-"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
-	be shared."
-But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
-First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
-"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
-But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
-"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
-	with prawns,
-Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
-But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
-His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
-And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
-His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
-And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
-and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
-None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
-%
-Multics is security spelled sideways.
-%
-"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
-365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365".  He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
-Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
-tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
-smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
-than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
-An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
-as much fun to watch.
-		-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
-%
-MUMMY:
-	An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
-%
-Mummy dust to make me old;
-To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
-To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
-To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
-A blast of wind to fan my hate;
-A thunderbolt to mix it well --
-Now begin thy magic spell!
-		-- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
-%
-Mummy dust to make me old;
-To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
-To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
-To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
-A blast of wind to fan my hate;
-A thunderbolt to mix it well --
-Now begin thy magic spell!
-		-- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
-%
-Mum's the word.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
-		-- Xaviera Hollander
-
-[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
-%
-Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
-talk about after dinner.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
-%
-Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
-%
-Murphy's Law of Research:
-	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
-%
-Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
-		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-Murphy's Laws:
-	(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
-	(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
-	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
-%
-Murray's Rule:
-	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
-%
-Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
-%
-Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-MUSTGO:
-	Any item of food that has been sitting in the
-	refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-		-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
-%
-My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
-	But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
-Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
-	To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
-'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
-
-And you know two heads are better than one.
-%
-My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
-
-Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
-they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
-%
-My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
-The height of its contents to see!
-She lit a small match to assist her,
-Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
-%
-My boy is mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
-to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well,
-only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
-a bulls-eye on the back.
-
-I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them
-said, "So will you."
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My brain is my second favorite organ.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
-of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
-It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
-	and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
-It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
-	decimal points for the sake of precision.
-Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
-	I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
-It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
-	arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
-It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
-	over.
-Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
-	life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
-%
-My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
-nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
-instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
-a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
-the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
-turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
-that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
-just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
-of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother,
-drunk or sober."
-		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
-%
-"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
-sober."
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
-%
-My darling wife was always glum.
-I drowned her in a cask of rum,
-And so made sure that she would stay
-In better spirits night and day.
-%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
-Unless there are three other people.
-		-- Orson Welles
-%
-My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
-%
-My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
-beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
-is going on.
-		-- J.F. Kennedy
-%
-My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
-		-- Iphicrates
-%
-My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
-your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
-		-- Erich Maria Remarque
-%
-My father taught me three things:
-	1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
-	2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
-	3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
-%
-My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
-missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
-		-- E.B. White
-%
-My father was a saint, I'm not.
-		-- Indira Gandhi
-%
-My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
-and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
-		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
-%
-My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
-Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the
-New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
-and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
-somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
-	"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit
-to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
-but they were there to meet the boat.
-%
-My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
-later I can ask him what he meant.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
-but always, always, he was right.
-%
-My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
-she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
-back and dig her up.
-%
-"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
-"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
-%
-My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
-as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
-mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
-I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it
-would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
-%
-My, how you've changed since I've changed.
-%
-My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
-%
-My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
-%
-My interest is in the future because I am
-going to spend the rest of my life there.
-%
-My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
-	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
-The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
-	And the skies are sunlit for him.
-As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
-	As the fragrance of acacia.
-My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
-	And I wish he were in Asia.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
-%
-My love runs by like a day in June,
-	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
-He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
-	In the pathway or the morrows.
-He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
-	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
-My own dear love, he is all my heart --
-	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
-%
-My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
-thing to say.  And then say it with the utmost levity.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-My mind can never know my body, although
-it has become quite friendly with my legs.
-		-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
-%
-My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
-		-- Crazy Jimmy
-%
-My mother loved children -- she would
-have given anything if I had been one.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
-"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
-For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
-		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
-%
-My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
-		-- Sue Murphy
-%
-My My, hey hey
-Rock and roll is here to stay	The king is gone but he's not forgotten
-It's better to burn out		This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
-Than to fade away		It's better to burn out than it is to rust
-My my, hey hey			The king is gone but he's not forgotten
-
-It's out of the blue and into the black		Hey hey, my my
-They give you this, but you pay for that	Rock and roll can never die
-And once you're gone you can never come back	There's more to the picture
-When you're out of the blue			Than meets the eye
-And into the black
-		-- Neil Young
-		"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
-%
-My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
-be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
-%
-My only love sprung from my only hate!
-Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
-%
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-%
-My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
-		-- O. Wilde
-%
-My own dear love, he is strong and bold
-	And he cares not what comes after.
-His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
-	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
-He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
-	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
-My own dear love, he is all my world --
-	And I wish I'd never met him.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
-%
-My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
-and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.  ...  We should be
-reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
-to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
-we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
-slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
-from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
-would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
-		-- James A. Michener
-%
-"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
-%
-My pen is at the bottom of a page,
-Which, being finished, here the story ends;
-'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
-But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
-		-- Byron
-%
-My philosophy is: Don't think.
-		-- Charles Manson
-%
-My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
-		-- Errol Flynn
-
-Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-		-- Errol Flynn
-%
-My rackets are run on strictly American
-lines, and they're going to stay that way.
-		-- A. Capone
-%
-My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
-spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
-with our frail and feeble mind.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
-hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
-in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
-character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
-of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
-Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
-dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
-to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
-in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
--- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
-part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
-right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
-have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
-exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
-reason to limit myself.
-		-- Emo Philips
-%
-My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
-She sells C shells by the seashore.
-%
-My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
-I do not like me anymore,
-I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
-I ponder on the narrow house
-I shudder at the thought of men
-I'm due to fall in love again.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
-%
-My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
-		-- Christopher Morley
-%
-My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
-		-- George Gobel
-%
-My way of joking is to tell the truth.
-That's the funniest joke in the world.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
-%
-Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
-		-- Booth Tarkington
-%
-mythology, n:
-	The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
-	early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
-	from the true accounts which it invents later.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
-is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
-returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
-
-So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
-
-Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
-	"So, how's your daughter?"
-	"Oh, Rachel!  She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
-	"Really?  Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
-	"Yes, that's my Rachel."
-	"That's... that's nice.  But isn't she the same one that married
-		the doctor?"
-	"Yes, that's her!"
-	"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
-	"Yes, yes!"
-	"Ahhh.  So much naches from one child!"
-%
-Nachman's Rule:
-	When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
-		-- Gerald Nachman
-%
-Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
-		-- '76 Olympics
-%
-'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
-Never odd or even.
-A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
-Madam, I'm Adam.
-Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
-		-- The Mad Palindromist
-%
-NAPOLEON:	What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
-		Everything he says is wrong.
-GUISEPPE:	Make him a general, Excellency,
-		and then everything he says will be right.
-
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-narcolepulacyi, n:
-	The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
-	to also yawn.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said
-"My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
-goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal
-it."
-%
-Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
-gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
-only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
-stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
-asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
-for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
-he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
-were spoken to.
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
-him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your
-shop?"
-	"Of course."
-	"Have you ever seen me before?"
-	"Never."
-	"Then how do you know it was me?"
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
-than the sun."
-	"Why?", he was asked.
-	"Because at night we need the light more."
-%
-Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
-Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
-his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
-You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
-%
-National security is in your hands - guard it well.
-%
-Natural laws have no pity.
-%
-Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
-of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
-drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
-or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.  Voice or no voice, the people
-can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.  That is easy.  All you
-have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
-for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.  It works the same
-in every country.
-		-- Hermann Goering
-%
-Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
-of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
-fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
-creamed?
-		-- Solomon Short
-%
-Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-%
-Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
-God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
-
-It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
-Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
-%
-Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
-given them little.
-		-- Dr. Samuel Johnson
-%
-Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
-it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
-tolerated until they acquire some sense.
-		-- William Phelps
-%
-Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
-And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
-As on the land while here the ocean gains,
-In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
-Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
-The solid power of understanding fails;
-Where beams of warm imagination play,
-The memory's soft figures melt away.
-		-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
-%
-Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
-On the Rue des Ecoles
-lived an old man
-with a blind dog
-Every evening I would see him
-guiding the dog along
-the sidewalk, keeping
-a firm grip on the leash
-so that the dog wouldn't
-run into a passerby
-Sometimes the dog would stop
-and look up at the sky
-Once the old man
-noticed me watching the dog
-and he said, "Oh, yes,
-this one knows
-when the moon is out,
-he can feel it on his face"
-		-- Barry Gifford
-%
-Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
-want to test a man's character, give him power.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
-have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
-		-- Brent Welch
-%
-Necessity has no law.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-Necessity hath no law.
-		-- Oliver Cromwell
-%
-Necessity is a mother.
-%
-"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity
-is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
-It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-		-- William Pitt, 1783
-%
-Neckties strangle clear thinking.
-		-- Lin Yutang
-%
-Needs are a function of what other people have.
-%
-Negative expectations yield negative results.
-Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
-		-- Napoleon
-%
-Neil Armstrong tripped.
-%
-Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
-%
-Nemo me impune lacessit
-	[No one provokes me with impunity]
-		-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
-%
-nerd pack, n:
-	Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
-	clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
-	measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
-	in his pack.
-%
-Neuroses are red,
-	Melancholia's blue.
-I'm schizophrenic,
-	What are you?
-%
-Neurotics build castles in the sky,
-Psychotics live in them,
-And psychiatrists collect the rent.
-%
-Neutrinos are into physicists.
-%
-Neutrinos have bad breadth.
-%
-neutron bomb, n:
-	An explosive device of limited military value because, as
-	it only destroys people without destroying property, it
-	must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
-%
-Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
-		-- Linda Festa
-%
-Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
-Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
-%
-Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
-%
-Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
-%
-Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
-%
-Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
-the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
-%
-Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-		-- Anonymous
-%
-Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
-%
-Never buy from a rich salesman.
-		-- Goldenstern
-%
-Never buy what you do not want
-because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
-%
-Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
-%
-Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-%
-Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
-%
-Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
-with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
-into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
-window.  (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
-%
-Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
-%
-Never eat anything bigger than your head.
-%
-Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
-And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
-		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
-%
-Never eat more than you can lift.
-		-- Miss Piggy
-%
-Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
-absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
-%
-Never explain.  Your friends do not need it
-and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
-		-- Marlo Thomas
-%
-Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
-%
-Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
-%
-Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
-%
-Never give an inch!
-%
-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-		-- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
-		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
-%
-Never have children, only grandchildren.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-Never have so many understood so little about so much.
-		-- James Burke
-%
-Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
-%
-Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
-%
-Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
-		-- Billy Rose
-%
-Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-Never kick a man, unless he's down.
-%
-Never laugh at live dragons.
-		-- Bilbo Baggins
-%
-Never leave anything to chance;
-make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
-%
-Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-		-- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Never let someone who says it cannot be done
-interrupt the person who is doing it.
-%
-Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
-%
-Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
-		-- Saint Jerome
-%
-Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
-%
-Never make anything simple and efficient when a
-way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
-%
-Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
-%
-Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
-%
-Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
-%
-Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
-%
-Never promise more than you can perform.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
-		-- D. Gries
-%
-Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
-%
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
-%
-Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
-unprotected.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-Never reveal your best argument.
-%
-Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
-%
-Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
-%
-Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-		-- Nelson Algren
-%
-Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
-that subject.
-		-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
-%
-NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
-%
-Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
-in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
-tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
-On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to
-do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-		-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
-%
-Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
-		-- Steinbach
-%
-Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
-%
-Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
-%
-Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
-		-- John Dillinger
-%
-Never trust an operating system.
-%
-Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
-%
-Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
-%
-Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain
-sex to a virgin.
-	-- Robert Heinlein
-
-(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
-%
-Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Never try to teach a pig to sing.
-It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-%
-Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-%
-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-%
-Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
-there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
-%
-Never volunteer for anything.
-		-- Lackland
-%
-Never worry about theory as long as the
-machinery does what it's supposed to do.
-		-- R.A. Heinlein
-%
-new, adj:
-	Different color from previous model.
-%
-New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
-%
-New England Life, of course.  Why?
-%
-New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
-%
-New members are urgently needed in the Society
-for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
-%
-New release:
-	Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
-	time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
-	rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
-%
-New systems generate new problems.
-%
-New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
-age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
-whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-New York-- to that tall skyline I come
-Flyin' in from London to your door
-New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
-Where they say you should not wander after dark.
-New York.
-		-- Simon and Garfunkel
-%
-New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
-%
-Newlan's Truism:
-	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
-	government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
-%
-Newman's Discovery:
-	Your best dreams may not come true;
-	fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
-%
-Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-print the chaff.
-	-- Adlai Stevenson
-%
-NEWS FLASH!!
-	Today the East German pole-vault champion
-	became the West German pole-vault champion.
-%
-news: gotcha
-%
-NEWSFLASH!!
-	Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
-1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
-It was.  Age 31.
-%
-Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
-	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
-%
-Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
-As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
-%
-Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-Nice guys don't finish nice.
-%
-Nice guys finish last.
-		-- Leo Durocher
-%
-Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
-		-- Evan Davis
-%
-Nice guys get sick.
-%
-Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
-	All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
-%
-Nietzsche is pietzsche.
-%
-Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
-%
-Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
-God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
-%
-Nihilism should commence with oneself.
-%
-Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
-name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
-(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
-but Americans call him by value.
-%
-Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
-Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
-Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
-Three megs for system source;
-
-One disk to rule them all,
-One disk to bind them,
-One disk to hold the files
-And in the darkness grind 'em.
-%
-Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
-And tapes without any tracks;
-Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
-And tapes mixed up on the racks --
-	Take hold of the tape
-	And pull off the strip,
-	And then you'll be sure
-	Your tape drive will skip.
-
-		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
-would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
-that much.
-		-- Augustine
-%
-Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
-	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
-	the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
-%
-Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers
-that be and their friends hang out.
-		-- Zonker Harris
-%
-Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing
-else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow
-the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
-		-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
-%
-No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
-		-- Aesop
-%
-No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
-%
-No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
-%
-No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-no brainer:
-	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
-	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
-%
-No character, however upright, is a match for
-constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
-		-- Alexander Hamilton
-%
-No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
-		-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
-		   film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
-		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-No directory.
-%
-No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
-lectures which are really worth the attending.
-		-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
-%
-No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
-on the grounds that it was human nature.
-%
-No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-No evil can happen to a good man.
-		-- Plato
-%
-No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-No extensible language will be universal.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
-no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
-		-- Landor
-%
-No good deed goes unpunished.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-No group of professionals meets except to
-conspire against the public at large.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
-he will not become a nuisance after three days.
-		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-No guts, no glory.
-%
-No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
-until three software guys have signed off for it.
-		-- Andy Tanenbaum
-%
-No, his mind is not for rent
-To any god or government.
-Always hopeful, yet discontent,
-He knows changes aren't permanent -
-But change is.
-%
-No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
-%
-No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
-It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-No, I don't have a drinking problem.
-I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.  No problem!
-%
-No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is
-just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
-and Telegraph Company.
-		-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
-		   machine, 1943.
-%
-No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
-		-- Sidney
-%
-"No job too big; no fee too big!"
-		-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
-%
-No line available at 300 baud.
-%
-No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
-absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
-Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
-within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
-Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
-doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
-of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
-%
-no maintenance:
-	Impossible to fix.
-%
-No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
-interest in hair restorers.
-	-- Austin O'Malley
-%
-No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
-one peanut.
-		-- Channing Pollock
-%
-No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
-Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
-Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
-a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
-me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
-for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
-		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
-%
-No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
-%
-No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
-%
-No man is useless who has a friend,
-and if we are loved we are indispensable.
-		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
-		-- E.W. Howe
-%
-No man's ambition has a right to stand in
-the way of performing a simple act of justice.
-		-- John Altgeld
-%
-No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
-than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
-		-- Lenin, 1918
-%
-No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
-with her.  The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
-But he is dead.  So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
-in the afternoons.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
-%
-No matter how much you do you never do enough.
-%
-No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
-signs of improvement.
-		-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
-%
-No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
-cramp his style.
-%
-No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
-%
-No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
-%
-No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
-the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
-%
-No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
-th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
-No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
-unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
-all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
-the functions he is competent to.  It is by dividing and subdividing these
-republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
-ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
-every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
-%
-No one becomes depraved in a moment.
-		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
-%
-No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
-%
-No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
-dirty little beast.
-		-- W.S. Gilbert
-%
-No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
-%
-No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-%
-No one knows like a woman how to say
-things that are at once gentle and deep.
-		-- Hugo
-%
-No one knows what he can do till he tries.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
-		-- Quintus Ennius
-%
-No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
-one who's giving it.
-		-- Hal Chadwick
-%
-NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
-		-- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
-%
-No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
-For this isn't really the norm.
-But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
-So what?  Any pork in a storm.
-
-No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
-It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
-But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
-Cast even more perils before swine.
-%
-No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
-He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
-Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
-And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
-	(refrain)
-Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
-And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
-All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
-But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
-	(refrain)
-Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
-The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
-A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
-But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
-	(refrain)
-Refrain:
-	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
-	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
-	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
-	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
-%
-No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
-them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
-their wish has been granted.
-		-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
-%
-No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-		-- C. Schulz
-%
-No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
-%
-"No program is perfect,"
-They said with a shrug.
-"The customer's happy--
-What's one little bug?"
-
-But he was determined,			Then change two, then three more,
-The others went home.			As year followed year.
-He dug out the flow chart		And strangers would comment,
-Deserted, alone.			"Is that guy still here?"
-
-Night passed into morning.		He died at the console
-The room was cluttered			Of hunger and thirst
-With core dumps, source listings.	Next day he was buried
-"I'm close," he muttered.		Face down, nine edge first.
-
-Chain smoking, cold coffee,		And his wife through her tears
-Logic, deduction.			Accepted his fate.
-"I've got it!" he cried,		Said "He's not really gone,
-"Just change one instruction."		He's just working late."
-		-- The Perfect Programmer
-%
-No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
-occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
-indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
-different from the one identified by the given indication as an
-indication-applied occurrence.
-		-- ALGOL 68 Report
-%
-No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
-%
-No rock so hard but that a little wave
-May beat admission in a thousand years.
-		-- Tennyson
-%
-No self-made man ever did such a good job
-that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-No skis take rocks like rental skis!
-%
-No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
-for that purpose to keep awake all day.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
-%
-No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
-Finished his old Raven,
-then he started his Old Crow.
-%
-No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
-		-- Quintus Ennius
-%
-No spitting on the Bus!
-Thank you, The Management.
-%
-No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-No two persons ever read the same book.
-		-- Edmund Wilson
-%
-No use getting too involved in life --
-you're only here for a limited time.
-%
-No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
-she will or will not be a mother.
-		-- Margaret H. Sanger
-%
-No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
-		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
-%
-No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
-him than he deserves.
-		-- Edgar Watson Howe
-%
-No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
-Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
-%
-No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
-%
-No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
-%
-Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in
-fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they
-moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
-useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since
-she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
-moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
-him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He
-reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
-some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
-threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the
-old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they
-had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
-paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There
-was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
-he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner
-and we've just moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the
-young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
-	The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
-story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn't
-quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it,
-however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
-		-- Richard Harter
-%
-Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
-%
-Nobody can be exactly like me.  Even I have trouble doing it.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
-%
-Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
-		-- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
-%
-NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
-%
-Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
-limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
-if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
-shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
-that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
-It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
-		-- Liv Ullman
-%
-Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
-%
-Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
-		-- Roy Harper
-%
-Nobody loves me,
-Everybody hates me,
-I think I'll go out and eat worms.
-I'm gonna cut their heads off,
-Eat their insides out,
-And throw way the skins.
-Big, fat, juicy ones,
-Little, skinny, cute ones,
-Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
-%
-Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
-And then it's too late.
-%
-Nobody shot me.
-		-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
-		who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
-		Valentine's Day Massacre.
-
-Only Capone kills like that.
-		-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
-
-The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
-		-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
-%
-Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
-for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
-their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
-		-- Lewis Lapham
-%
-Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
-your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
-different.
-		-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
-		   O'Brien, instructions to the force.
-%
-Nobody wants constructive criticism.
-It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
-%
-Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
-coming in late and lying about it.
-%
-nohup rm -fr /&
-%
-Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has
-merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-nolo contendere:
-	A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
-	it again."
-%
-nominal egg:
-	New Yorkerese for expensive.
-%
-Noncombatant:
-	A dead Quaker.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
-		-- M.J. 0'Donnell
-%
-Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
-%
-None love the bearer of bad news.
-		-- Sophocles
-%
-None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary
-to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
-ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a
-job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
-forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
-he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
-state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
-"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
-		-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
-%
-Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
-		-- Heisenberg
-%
-Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
-		-- E.M. Forster
-%
-Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
-%
-No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
-intentions.  He had money as well.
-		-- Margaret Thatcher
-%
-Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
-		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
-
-Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
-Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
-		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
-
-Coach: How's life, Norm?
-Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
-%
-Norm:  Hey, everybody.
-All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
-Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
-       Norm!   (Norman.)
-       How are you feeling today, Norm?
-       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
-		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-
-Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
-       Film at eleven.
-		-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
-
-Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
-		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
-%
-[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
-
-Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
-Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
-		-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
-
-Coach:  What's up, Normie?
-Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
-		-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
-
-Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
-Norm:   Going down?
-		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-%
-[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
-
-Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
-Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
-Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
-		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
-
-Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Elope with my wife.
-		-- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
-		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
-%
-[Norm is angry.]
-
-Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
-		-- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
-Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
-      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
-		-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
-
-Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
-Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
-		-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
-%
-[Norm returns from the hospital.]
-
-Coach:  What's up, Norm?
-Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.
-		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-
-Sam:  What's new, Normie?
-Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.
-      They're demanding beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
-
-Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
-Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
-		-- Cheers, King of the Hill
-%
-[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
-Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
-All:   Anton!
-		-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
-		-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
-
-Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
-Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.
-      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
-		-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
-%
-Normal times may possibly be over forever.
-%
-Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
-reason than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates,
-although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
-their courses.
-		-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
-%
-Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
-%
-Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Not all men who drink are poets.
-Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
-%
-Not all who own a harp are harpers.
-		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
-%
-Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
-make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
-%
-Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
-the capitalist mode of production.
-		-- Herbert Marcuse
-%
-Not every question deserves an answer.
-%
-Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
-%
-Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
-Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
-in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
-moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
-a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
-respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
-it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
-then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
-chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-		-- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
-ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
-		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
-
-I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
-		-- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
-%
-Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
-	-- Rob Pike
-%
-Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
-serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
-		-- Spinoza
-%
-NOTE:  No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
-All software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes
-all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
-features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
-abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
-attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
-local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
-invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
-surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
-electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
-chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
-premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
-uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
-and/or frogs falling from the sky.
-%
-Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
-%
-Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
-wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
-astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
-unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
-not to make any poultry jokes.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Nothing can be done in one trip.
-		-- Snider
-%
-Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
-%
-Nothing endures but change.
-		-- Heraclitus
-	[Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
-%
-Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
-proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-		-- John Keats
-%
-Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-
-Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
-satisfying as an income tax refund.
-		-- F.J. Raymond
-%
-Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
-%
-Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
-%
-Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
-	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
-		Or as finished as it seems in the end.
-%
-Nothing is but what is not.
-%
-Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
-%
-Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
-
-To prove this to yourself, try opening the
-refrigerator door before the light comes on.
-%
-Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
-%
-Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-		-- Andrew Young
-%
-Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-		-- A.H. Weiler
-%
-Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
-millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-		-- Nero Wolfe
-%
-Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
-%
-Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
-She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
-		-- Michel de Montaigne
-%
-Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
-		-- Ebner-Eschenbach
-%
-Nothing lasts forever.
-Where do I find nothing?
-%
-Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
-%
-Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
-Conscience makes egotists of us all.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
-		-- Arthur Balfour
-%
-Nothing motivates a man more than to
-see his boss put in an honest day's work.
-%
-Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
-repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
-the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
-which can be offered to a personality.
-		-- Soren Kierkegaard
-%
-Nothing recedes like success.
-		-- Walter Winchell
-%
-Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
-which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Nothing succeeds like excess.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Nothing succeeds like success.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
-		-- Christopher Lascl
-%
-Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-		-- Charlie Brown
-%
-Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
-If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
-That's what she said as she turned out the light,
-And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
-Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
-She got from trying to fight
-Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
-[...]
-Well nothing that's real is ever for free
-And you just have to pay for it sometime.
-She said it before, she said it to me,
-I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
-But the same old four imaginary walls
-She'd built for livin' inside
-I said oh, you just can't mean it.
-[...]
-Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
-If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
-That's what she said as she turned out the light,
-And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
-But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
-The veil that covered her eyes,
-I said oh, you can leave it.
-		-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
-%
-Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-Nothing will ever be attempted
-if all possible objections must be first overcome.
-		-- Dr. Johnson
-%
-NOTICE:
-	Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
-	be summarily put out.
-%
-NOTICE:
-
--- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
-
-(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
-%
-Nouvelle cuisine, n:
-	French for "not enough food".
-
-Continental breakfast, n:
-	English for "not enough food".
-
-Tapas, n:
-	Spanish for "not enough food".
-
-Dim Sum, n:
-	Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
-%
-November:
-	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
-%
-Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
-
-	When comes the revolution, things will be different --
-	not better, just different.
-%
-Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
-%
-Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
-Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
-		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
-%
-Now I lay me back to sleep.
-The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
-If he should stop before I wake,
-Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
-		-- Anonymous
-%
-Now I lay me down to sleep
-I pray the double lock will keep;
-May no brick through the window break,
-And, no one rob me till I awake.
-%
-Now I lay me down to sleep,
-I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
-If I should die before I wake,
-I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!!  Mistake!!"
-%
-Now I lay me down to study,
-I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
-And if I fail to learn this junk,
-I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
-But if I do, don't pity me at all,
-Just lay my bones in the study hall.
-Tell my teacher I've done my best,
-Then pile my books upon my chest.
-%
-Now is the time for all good men to come to.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-Now is the time for drinking;
-now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Now it's time to say goodbye
-To all our company...
-M-I-C	(see you next week!)
-K-E-Y	(Why?  Because we LIKE you!)
-M-O-U-S-E.
-%
-Now of my threescore years and ten,
-Twenty will not come again,
-And take from seventy springs a score,
-It leaves me only fifty more.
-
-And since to look at things in bloom
-Fifty springs are little room,
-About the woodlands I will go
-To see the cherry hung with snow.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-Now that day wearies me,
-My yearning desire
-Will receive more kindly,
-Like a tired child, the starry night.
-
-Hands, leave off your deeds,
-Mind, forget all thoughts;
-All of my forces
-Yearn only to sink into sleep.
-
-And my soul, unguarded,
-Would soar on widespread wings,
-To live in night's magical sphere
-More profoundly, more variously.
-		-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
-%
-Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
-some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
-her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
-cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
-
-1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
-2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
-	exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
-3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
-	without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
-	occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living right doesn't really make
-	you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
-
-That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
-%
-Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
-Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
-were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
-%
-Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
-or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
-	-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
-%
-Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
-you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
-		-- Casey Stengel
-%
-Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to get it
-over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
-the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
-public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
-emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
-befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
-melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
-because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
-reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the deformity?
-Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
-reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
-if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
-tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
-you should shop quickly.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Nowlan's Theory:
-	He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
-	the next freeway exit.
-%
-Now's the time to have some big ideas
-Now's the time to make some firm decisions
-We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
-Talking politics and nuclear fission
-We see him and he's all washed up --
-Moving on into the body of a beetle
-Getting ready for a long long crawl
-He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
-
-Death and Money make their point once more
-In the shape of Philosophical assassins
-Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
-Deadly angels for reality and passion
-Have the courage of the here and now
-Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
-When you think you got it paid in full
-You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
-	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
-	We know his name and he mustn't get away.
-	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
-	It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
-		-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
-%
-Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
-		-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
-		   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
-		   Times, June 10, 1955.
-%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
-		-- Edwin Meese III
-%
-Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
-normal routines, for children and adults alike.
-		-- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
-%
-Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
-%
-Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
-%
-Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
-%
-(null cookie; hope that's ok)
-%
-Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
-		-- Seneca
-%
-Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
-%
-Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
-Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
-Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating?
-Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
-%
-Nusbaum's Rule:
-	The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
-	organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
-	Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
-	to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
-%
-O!  If I were a fish
-I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
-Yes, that's my one and only wish --
-To be a fish!
-
-For fish don't ever mish;
-They needn't flush after they pish!
-Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
-For all the fish!!!
-%
-O give me a home,
-Where the buffalo roam,
-Where the deer and the antelope play,
-Where seldom is heard
-A discouraging word,
-'Cause what can an antelope say?
-%
-O imitators, you slavish herd!
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-O, it is excellent
-To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
-To use it like a giant.
-		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
-%
-O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
-for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
-%
-O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
-To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
-Might we not smash it to bits
-And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
-		-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
-%
-Oatmeal raisin.
-%
-Objects are lost only because people
-look where they are not rather than where they are.
-%
-O'Brian's Law:
-	Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
-%
-O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
-thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
-	"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
-	"Four."
-	"And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
-		then how many?"
-	"Four."
-	The word ended in a gasp of pain.
-		-- George Orwell
-%
-Observe yon plumed biped fine.
-To activate its captivation,
-Deposit on its termination,
-A quantity of particles saline.
-%
-Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
-%
-"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
-		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
-		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
-		   of the grandstands.
-%
-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
-%
-OCCAM'S ERASER:
-	The philosophical principle that even the simplest
-	solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
-%
-OCCIDENT:
-	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It is
-	largely inhabited by Christians,  powerful sub-tribe of the
-	Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
-	which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also,
-	are the principal industries of the Orient.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-OCEAN:
-	A body of water occupying about two-thirds
-	of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
-%
-Odets, where is thy sting?
-		-- George S. Kaufman
-%
-Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
-%
-Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
-to know so much and have control over nothing.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-		-- Plato
-%
-Of all the words of witch's doom
-There's none so bad as which and whom.
-The man who kills both which and whom
-Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
-		-- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Of all things man is the measure.
-		-- Protagoras
-%
-Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
-husband and wife.
-%
-Of course it's possible to love a human being
-if you don't know them too well.
-		-- Charles Bukowski
-%
-Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
-tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
-		-- Crazy Nigel
-%
-Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
-%
-Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
-After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
-%
-Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
-%
-Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
-TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
-%
-Office Automation:
-	The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
-	by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
-%
-Official Project Stages:
-	1. Uncritical Acceptance
-	2. Wild Enthusiasm
-	3. Dejected Disillusionment
-	4. Total Confusion
-	5. Search for the Guilty
-	6. Punishment of the Innocent
-	7. Promotion of the Non-participants
-%
-Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
-lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
-%
-Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
-%
-Ogden's Law:
-	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-%
-Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
-%
-Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-Oh don't the days seem lank and long
-When all goes right and none goes wrong,
-And isn't your life extremely flat
-With nothing whatever to grumble at!
-%
-Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
-They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
-"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
-Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
-
-Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
-I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
-"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
-Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
-
-Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
-What books ought I read?  What thoughts do I dare?
-"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
-Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
-
-Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
-Are all races equal?  Are laws just and fair?
-"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
-Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
-%
-Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
-As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
-Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
-And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
-Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
-	see if I don't.
-		-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
-%
-Oh, give me a home,
-Where the buffalo roam,
-And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
-%
-Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
-	Where the three-body problem is solved,
-	Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
-	And the cold virus never evolved.			(chorus)
-We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
-	Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
-	Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
-	And a kilogram weighs half a pound.			(chorus)
-If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
-	No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
-	When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
-	If we just find a big enough wrench.			(chorus)
-I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
-	And living up here is a bore.
-	Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
-	'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!			(chorus)
-
-CHORUS:	Home, home on LaGrange,
-	Where the space debris always collects,
-	We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
-	Solar power and zero-gee sex.
-		-- to Home on the Range
-%
-Oh give me your pity!
-I'm on a committee,			We attend and amend
-Which means that from morning		And contend and defend
-	to night,			Without a conclusion in sight.
-
-We confer and concur,
-We defer and demur,			We revise the agenda
-And reiterate all of our thoughts.	With frequent addenda
-					And consider a load of reports.
-
-We compose and propose,
-We suppose and oppose,			But though various notions
-And the points of procedure are fun;	Are brought up as motions,
-					There's terribly little gets done.
-
-We resolve and absolve;
-But we never dissolve,
-Since it's out of the question for us
-To bring our committee
-To end like this ditty,
-Which stops with a period, thus.
-		-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
-%
-"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
-dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
-and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
-you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
-ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
-wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
-last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
-buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
-He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
-and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
-their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
-another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
-said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
-know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
-		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
-%
-Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
-	I muck with indices and structs all day
-And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
-	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
-%
-Oh, I am just a typical American boy
-From a typical American town.
-I believe in God and Senator Dodd
-And keeping old Castro down.
-And when it came my time to serve
-I knew better dead than red,
-But when I got to my old draft board,
-Buddy this is what I said:
-
-Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
-And I always carry a purse;
-I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
-And my asthma's getting worse.
-Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
-And my poor old invalid aunt;
-Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
-And I'm working in a defense plant.
-		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
-%
-Oh, I could while away the hours,
-Smoking herbs and flowers,
-Shooting up my veins,
-	De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
-Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
-I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
-If I dealt in good cocaine.
-		-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
-be irresponsible, too.
-		-- Lichty & Wagner
-%
-Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
-And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
-Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
-Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
-You have not dreamed of --
-Wheeled and soared and swung
-High in the sunlit silence.
-Hovering there
-I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
-My eager craft through footless halls of air.
-Up, up along delirious, burning blue
-I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
-Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
-And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
-The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
-Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
-		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
-%
-Oh I'm just a typical American boy
-From a typical American town.
-I believe in God and Senator Dodd
-And keeping old Castro down.
-And when it came my time to serve
-I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
-But when I got to my old draft board,
-Buddy, this is what I said:
-
-Chorus:
-	Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
-	And I always carry a purse!
-	I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
-	And my asthma's getting worse!
-	Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
-	And my poor old invalid aunt!
-	Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
-	And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
-		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
-%
-Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
-My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
-Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
-To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
-%
-Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
-arch-enemy -- and that is life.
-		-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
-%
-Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
-it's what you do with what you have left.
-		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
-%
-Oh, so there you are!
-%
-Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
-He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
-No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
-He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
-		-- The Smothers Brothers
-%
-Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
-		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
-Born under one law, to another bound.
-		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
-%
-Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
-%
-Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-Oh, when I was in love with you,
-	Then I was clean and brave,
-And miles around the wonder grew
-	How well did I behave.
-
-And now the fancy passes by,
-	And nothing will remain,
-And miles around they'll say that I
-	Am quite myself again.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
-%
-Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
-you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
-J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
-you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
-%
-Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
-%
-Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
-		-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
-%
-O.K., fine.
-%
-Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked
-just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
-executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in
-the code over again, since I also removed the source.
-%
-Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
-%
-Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-		-- B. Baruch
-%
-Old age is the harbor of all ills.
-		-- Bion
-%
-Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-		-- Trotsky
-%
-Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
-%
-Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
-%
-Old Japanese proverb:
-	There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
-and those who climb it twice.
-%
-Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
-%
-Old mail has arrived.
-%
-Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
-themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
-To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
-When she got there, the cupboard was bare
-And so was her daughter, I guess...
-%
-Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
-%
-Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
-%
-Old timer, n:
-	One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
-%
-Oliver's Law:
-	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-%
-omnibiblious, adj.:
-	Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
-	I'm omnibiblious."
-%
-On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
-%
-On a clear disk you can seek forever.
-		-- P. Denning
-%
-On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
-
-"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
-		-- Wolfgang Pauli
-%
-On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
-a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
-
-[One is always a little afraid of love, but
-above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
-%
-On ability:
-	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
-	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
-%
-On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
-nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
-what it does.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
-nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
-what it does.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
-car looked exactly like his neighbor's.  Stopping hurriedly on the side of
-the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
-	"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
-you come any closer."
-	"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
-explained.
-	"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned.  "There was a
-decapitation."
-	The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
-pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length.  "Is this your friend?"
-	"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said.  "Henry's much
-taller."
-%
-On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
-proposition that all men are created jerks.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
-same moment -- halftime.
-%
-On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
-%
-On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
-girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
-Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
-and God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood."
-%
-On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
-a purpose, but never without a POINT.
-%
-On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
-		-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
-%
-On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
-Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
-come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
-ideas that could provoke such a question.
-		-- Charles Babbage
-%
-Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
-and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-		-- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
-%
-Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Once, adv.: Enough.
-%
-Once again dread deed is done.
-Canon sleeps,
-his all-knowing eye shaded
-to human chance and circumstance.
-Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
-but Canon's sleep is troubled.
-
-Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
-Impatient hands wait eagerly
-to grasp, to hold
-scant moments of time
-wrested from life in the full
-glory of Canon's power;
-held captive by his unblinking eye.
-
-Three golden orbs stand watch;
-one each to toll the day, hour, minute
-until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
-When that feared moment arrives,
-"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
-It tolls for thee."
-		-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
-		   Valley Pawn Shop today"
-%
-Once Again From the Top
-
-Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
-reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
-in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
-lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
-homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
-he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
-George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
-inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
-lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
-vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
-The Herald regrets the errors."
-		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
-%
-Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
-of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
-	In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
-called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
-went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing
-each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
-or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
-...
-	Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday shoppers
-have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
-they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag.  If your
-children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
-that ought to shut them up.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
-that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli
-replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
-mistress".
-%
-Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
-		-- Homer
-%
-Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
-roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
-forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
-the railroad yards."
-		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
-		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
-		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
-%
-Once I finally figured out all of life's
-answers, they changed the questions.
-%
-Once, I read that a man be never stronger
-than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
-		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
-%
-Once is happenstance,
-Twice is coincidence,
-Three times is enemy action.
-		-- Auric Goldfinger
-%
-Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
-sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
-%
-Once Law was sitting on the bench
-	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
-"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
-	Nor come before me creeping.
-Upon your knees if you appear,
-'Tis plain you have no standing here."
-
-Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
-	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
-"Amica curiae," she replied --
-	"Friend of the court, so please you."
-"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
-I never saw your face before!"
-%
-Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
-infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
-grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
-possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
-		-- Rainer Rilke
-%
-Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
-		-- H.R. Haldeman
-%
-Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
-And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
-And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
-He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
-And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
-He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
-And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
-	And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
-And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
-And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
-The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
-But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
-Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
-And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
-But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
-	And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
-When the day is done and the moon comes out,
-And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
-When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
-And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
-You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
-	Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
-%
-Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
-a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
-parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
-to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
-end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
-page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
-inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
-was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
-the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
-%
-Once upon a time there...
-%
-Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants
-were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
-to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If
-the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would
-just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family
-of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
-sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
-possession.  And the moral of the story is:
-
-The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
-hit you.
-%
-Once upon this midnight incoherent,
-While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
-Over many a broken and subordinate
-Volume of gnarly lore,
-While I pestered, nearly singing,
-Suddenly there came a hewing,
-As of someone profusely skulking,
-Skulking at my chamber door.
-%
-Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
-%
-Once you've tried to change the world you find
-it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
-%
-"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
-%
-One Bell System - it sometimes works.
-%
-One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
-%
-One Bell System - it works.
-%
-One big pile is better than two little piles.
-		-- Arlo Guthrie
-%
-One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
-		-- Helen Keller
-%
-One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
-mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
-		-- J. Gustav White
-%
-One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
-how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-%
-One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
-%
-One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
-to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
-a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
-just stupid.
-		-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
-%
-One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
-attic.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
-	"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
-releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
-	The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
-resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
-border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
-	"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"
-	"Hmmmm.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the
-Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
-and march back home."
-	"But...  well, all right!  Your third wish?"
-	"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"
-	"OKOKOKOK!  Right.  Got it.  Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
-to Poland three times and never invade?"
-	The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."
-%
-One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
-flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
-developed engine trouble and started to go down.  Unfortunately, only three
-parachutes could be found for the four passengers!  Brezhnev grabbed one of
-the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
-revolution, my life must be spared."  And he jumped out of the plane.  Then
-Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
-world safe for democracy."  And with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if
-you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
-there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The Pope
-looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
-life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands."  "That's
-very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need.  Reagan
-just jumped out with my knapsack."
-%
-One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
-truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced,
-"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
-which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the
-guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative
-is death by hanging."
-	"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
-	"I don't believe you."
-	"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
-	"But that would make it the truth!"
-	"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
-%
-One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
-decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a
-mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
-way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could
-make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks
-this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
-	A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
-success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
-actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
-there a number of details to be figured out.
-	After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
-looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
-some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
-track."
-	At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
-pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his
-eyes.  His hair hasn't been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing
-the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from
-behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO
-IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
-And it's so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
-harmonic motion..."
-%
-One day,
-A mad meta-poet,
-With nothing to say,
-Wrote a mad meta-poem
-That started: "One day,
-A mad meta-poet,
-With nothing to say,
-Wrote a mad meta-poem
-That started: "One day,
-[...]
-sort of close".
-Were the words that the poet,
-Finally chose,
-To bring his mad poem,
-To some sort of close".
-Were the words that the poet,
-Finally chose,
-To bring his mad poem,
-To some sort of close".
-%
-One difference between a man and a machine
-is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
-%
-One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
-		-- Larry Gelbart
-%
-One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
-Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
-conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the
-merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see
-his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
-	Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
-full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
-been havin' all these years."
-	Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
-Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is
-totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
-drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
-passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
-with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
-	Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
-head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
-years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
-%
-One expresses well the love he does not feel.
-		-- J.A. Karr
-%
-One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
-%
-One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
-		-- George Herbert
-%
-One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
-Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
-a rivalry of aim.
-		-- Henry Brook Adams
-%
-One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
-%
-One good reason why computers can do more work than
-people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
-%
-One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
-%
-One good thing about music,
-Well, it helps you feel no pain.
-So hit me with music;
-Hit me with music now.
-		-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
-%
-One good turn asketh another.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-One good turn deserves another.
-		-- Gaius Petronius
-%
-One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
-%
-One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
-and end up with the atomic bomb.
-		-- Marcel Pagnol
-%
-One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
-	-- Confucius
-%
-One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
-		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
-%
-One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
-		-- Gustave Droz
-%
-ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
-ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
-%
-One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
-%
-One man's constant is another man's variable.
-		-- A.J. Perlis
-%
-One man's folly is another man's wife.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
-"Supernatural" is a null word.
-%
-One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
-		-- George M. Cohan
-%
-One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
-%
-One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
-can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
-%
-One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
-without laughing.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
-%
-One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
-%
-One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
-one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
-percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts are, of course,
-simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
-nobody can touch him.
-		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
-%
-One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
-advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
-mathematics.
-		-- N. Wiener
-%
-One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
-enough to give you presents they make at school.
-		-- Robert Byrne
-%
-One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
-unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
-		-- Joyce Carol Oates
-%
-One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
-do and always a clever thing to say.
-		-- Will Durant
-%
-One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
-Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
-to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
-be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
-to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
-understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was
-reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
-time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be
-puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
-genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do
-foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
-		-- Joe Martin
-%
-One of the most striking differences between a
-cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
-need no answer.
-		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
-%
-One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
-seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
-way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
-in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
-imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
-%
-One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
-once had a publisher shot.
-		-- Siegfried Unseld
-%
-One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
-%
-One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
-thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
-the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
-hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
-laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."
-	To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
-happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.
-And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
-		-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
-%
-One organism, one vote.
-%
-One person's error is another person's data.
-%
-One picture is worth 128K words.
-%
-One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-One pill makes you larger		And if you go chasing rabbits
-And, one pill makes you small.		And you know you're going to fall.
-And the ones that mother gives you,	Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
-Don't do anything at all.		Has given you the call.
-Go ask Alice				Call Alice
-When she's ten feet tall.		When she was just small.
-
-When men on the chessboard		When logic and proportion
-Get up and tell you where to go.	Have fallen sloppy dead,
-And you've just had some kind of	And the White Knight is talking
-	mushroom				backwards
-And your mind is moving low.		And the Red Queen's lost her head
-Go ask Alice				Remember what the dormouse said:
-I think she'll know.				Feed your head.
-						Feed your head.
-						Feed your head.
-		-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
-%
-One planet is all you get.
-%
-One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
-is that there never was a plan in the first place.
-%
-One possible reason why things aren't going
-according to plan is that there never was a plan.
-%
-One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
-manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
-installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
-congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
-the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when
-he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
-inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
-plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
-proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
-designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
-This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
-would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem
-is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
-members of congress.
-%
-One reason why George Washington
-Is held in such veneration:
-He never blamed his problems
-On the former Administration.
-		-- George O. Ludcke
-%
-One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
-should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
-to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
-virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
-and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.  Obviously
-many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
-people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
-is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
-%
-One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
-	Doesn't fit anyone.
-%
-One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
-%
-One thing about the past.
-It's likely to last.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take
-my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
-warehouse.  "Oh, oh," I said.  "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and
-cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
-
-I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
-late.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-One thing the inventors can't seem to
-get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
-%
-One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
-sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
-terror.
-		-- W.K. Hartmann
-%
-One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
-%
-One time the police stopped me for speeding.  They said, "Don't you know the
-speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?"  I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
-going to be out that long."
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
-One toke over the line,
-Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
-One toke over the line.
-Waitin' for the train that goes home,
-Hopin' that the train is on time,
-Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
-One toke over the line.
-%
-One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
-%
-One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
-the stake while the votes were being counted.
-		-- Thomas B. Reed
-%
-One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
-because they bite.
-		-- Vladimir Lenin
-%
-One-Shot Case Study, n:
-	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
-it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
-%
-On-line:
-	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
-%
-Only a fool has no doubts.
-%
-Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
-		-- Laurence Peter
-%
-Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
-%
-Only fools are quoted.
-		-- Anonymous
-%
-Only God can make random selections.
-%
-Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-
-Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
-		-- The Unnamed Usenetter
-%
-Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
-essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-		-- Alex Levine
-
-[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
-hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease.  Ed.]
-%
-Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
-to use the editorial "we".
-%
-Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
-smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
-%
-Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
-		-- Baba Ram Dass
-%
-Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
-placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
-and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
-food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
-unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
-and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a
-modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
-that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
-postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
-the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
-May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
-		-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
-%
-Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
-		-- Hannah Arendt
-%
-Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
-busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
-%
-Only two kinds of witnesses exist.  The first live in a neighborhood where
-a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
-or even heard a shot.  The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
-happens to be accused of the crime.  These have always looked out of their
-windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
-peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
-		-- Sicilian police officer
-%
-Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
-of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
-%
-Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
-%
-Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
-%
-Onward through the fog.
-%
-Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
-%
-Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
-		-- Debbie VanDam
-%
-Opium is very cheap considering you don't
-feel like eating for the next six days.
-		-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
-%
-Oppernockity tunes but once.
-%
-Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
-work, so most people don't recognize them.
-%
-Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
-talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority,
-crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
-them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
-%
-Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
-%
-Optimism, n:
-The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
-and everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest tenacity by
-those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
-with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
-to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
-but death.  It is hereditary, but not contagious.
-%
-OPTIMIST:
-	A proponent of the belief that black is white.
-
-	A pessimist asked God for relief.
-	"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
-	"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
-would justify them."
-	"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
-something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-OPTIMIST:
-	Someone who goes down to the marriage
-	bureau to see if his license has expired.
-%
-optimist, n:
-	A bagpiper with a beeper.
-%
-Optimization hinders evolution.
-%
-Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
-I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
-we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
-		-- J. Wellington Wells
-%
-Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
-		-- Germaine Greer
-%
-Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
-%
-Order and simplification are the first steps toward
-mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
-		-- Thomas Mann
-%
-OREGON:
-	Eighty billion gallons of water with
-	no place to go on Saturday night.
-%
-O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
-Cleanliness is next to impossible
-%
-Oreo
-%
-Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
-Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-		-- Mike Adams
-%
-Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
-to people you could not have possibly met.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Osborn's Law:
-	Variables won't; constants aren't.
-%
-Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
-%
-Other women cloy
-The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
-Where most she satisfies.
-		-- Antony and Cleopatra
-%
-Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
-%
-Others will look to you for stability,
-so hide when you bite your nails.
-%
-O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
-	Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Ouch!  That felt good!
-		-- Karen Gordon
-%
-"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
-system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
-
-"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
-any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
-		-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
-%
-Our business in life is not to succeed
-but to continue to fail in high spirits.
-		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
-local Army National Guard base.  He recently received a substational cash
-award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
-His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
-by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
-home-made, hand-held model.
-
-Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
-to the Pentagon free of charge:
-
-	a. Don't kill anybody.
-	b. Don't build things that do.
-	c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
-
-We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
-		-- Sojourners
-%
-Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
-but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
-%
-Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
-He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
-holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only
-*he* had a lollipop.
-	He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
-	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's
-what it means to be a programmer."
-%
-Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
-continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
-emergency...  Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
-did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
-Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
-to have been quite real.
-		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
-Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
-%
-Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
-		-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
-%
-Our little systems have their day;
-They have their day and cease to be;
-They are but broken lights of thee.
-		-- Tennyson
-%
-Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
-Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
-In kernel as it is in user.
-%
-Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want us
-to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets in the
-rain, we were punished.
-		-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
-%
-Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
-%
-Our problems are so serious that the best
-way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
-%
-Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
-We their sons are more worthless than they:
-so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Our swords shall play the orators for us.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
-In all of the directions it can whiz;
-As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
-Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
-So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
-How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
-And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
-'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
-		-- General Omar N. Bradley
-%
-Ours is a world where people don't know what they
-want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
-%
-Out of sight is out of mind.
-		-- Arthur Clough
-%
-Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
-		-- Immanuel Kant
-%
-Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
-%
-Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too
-dark to read.
-%
-Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too
-dark to read.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too
-dark to read.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Over the shoulder supervision is more a
-need of the manager than the programming task.
-%
-Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
-complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
-rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
-errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote to this
-design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
-result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
-problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
-system.
-		-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
-		   Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
-		   Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
-%
-Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
-continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
-powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the
-victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
-move?'
-		-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
-%
-Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
-%
-Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
-%
-Overheard:
-	"How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!"
-%
-Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
-%
-Owe no man any thing...
-		-- Romans 13:8
-%
-Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard.  It is fatal in
-concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m.  Humans exposed to the
-oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes.  Symptoms resemble very
-much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.).  In higher
-concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
-takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason
-for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
-oxygen in 20% concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex
-process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
-always fatal.
-
-However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
-fact it is habit forming.  The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
-sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent.  After that, any
-considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
-symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
-
-Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard.  All of the fires that were reported in
-the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
-due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
-in question.
-
-Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
-tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
-too late.
-		-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
-%
-Ozman's Laws:
-	(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
-	(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
-	(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-	(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
-%
-paak, n:	A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
-			a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
-patato, n:	The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
-Septemba, n:	The 9th month of the year.
-shua, n:	Having no doubt; certain.
-sista, n:	A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
-tamato, n:	A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
-			or as a vegetable.
-troopa, n:	A state policeman.
-Wista, n:	A city in central Masschewsetts.
-yaad, n:	A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
-		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-PAIN:
-	Falling out of a twenty story building,
-	and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
-%
-PAIN:
-	One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
-%
-PAIN:
-	Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
-%
-Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
-%
-Pandora's Rule:
-	Never open a box you didn't close.
-%
-panic: can't find /
-%
-panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding)
-%
-Paprika Measure:
-
-	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen
-	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch
-	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon
-	2 soupcons  ==  too much paprika
-%
-Paralysis through analysis.
-%
-PARANOIA:
-	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
-%
-Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
-%
-Paranoia is heightened awareness.
-%
-Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
-%
-Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
-Now ... just try to find out where!
-%
-Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy
-to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-		-- D.J. Hicks
-%
-Pardon me while I laugh.
-%
-Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
-didn't have much of anything to do with it.
-%
-Parkinson's Fifth Law:
-	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
-	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
-%
-Parkinson's Fourth Law:
-	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
-	regardless of the amount of work to be done.
-%
-Parsley is gharsley.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
-%
-PARTY:
-	A gathering where you meet people who drink
-	so much you can't even remember their names.
-%
-Pascal:
-	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
-	in his grave if he knew about it.
-		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
-%
-Pascal:
-	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
-	grave if he knew about it.
-%
-Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
-		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
-%
-Pascal is not a high-level language.
-		-- Steven Feiner
-%
-Pascal Users:
-	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
-	Please modify your programs accordingly.
-%
-Pascal Users:
-	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
-	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
-Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-		-- Eric Hoffer
-%
-Password:
-%
-Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
-%
-Paster Crosstalk:	What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
-	unclean?  Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
-	All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
-	eat those.  Nothing that does not have both fins and scales.  Most
-	CREEPING things...
-Alvarado:	How 'bout caterpillars?
-P:	A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone.  Nothing without a backbone
-	can get in.
-A:	How do you know?  You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
-P:	Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
-	CATERPILLARS!
-[...]
-P:	The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels.  Who would want to eat
-	a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
-A:	If you're starving.  If you're starving in the park one day.
-P:	You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
-A:	No, you SINGE 'em.  You SINGE 'em and eat 'em.  *I* read about the
-	Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
-P:	Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
-A:	That's sick, SURE.  But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
-	par for the course, Charlie.
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-Patch griefs with proverbs.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-%
-patent:
-	A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
-%
-"Pathetic," he said.  "That's what it is.  Pathetic."
-(crosses stream)
-"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
-		-- Eyeore
-%
-Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
-%
-Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
-		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-		-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
-
-In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
-resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
-inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-
-When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
-he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
-		-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
-
-Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-		-- Boies Penrose
-%
-Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Pauca sed matura.  (Few but excellent.)
-		-- Gauss
-%
-Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
-%
-Paulg's Law:
-	In America, it's not how much an
-	item costs, it's how much you save.
-%
-Paul's Law:
-	You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-Pause for storage relocation.
-%
-paycheck:
-	The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
-	withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
-	medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
-	Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
-%
-Payeen to a Twang
-Derrida
-Ore-Ida
-potato.
-
-If you dared,
-I'd ask you
-to go dig
-up your ides under brown-
-tubered skies.
-
-where pitchforked
-you will ask
-Derrida?
-%
-Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
-%
-Peace cannot be kept by force; it
-can only be achieved by understanding.
-		-- A. Einstein
-%
-Peace is much more precious than a piece
-of land... let there be no more wars.
-		-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
-%
-Peace, n:
-	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
-	periods of fighting.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Peanut Blossoms
-
-4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
-4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
-4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
-8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
-4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
-
-Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
-cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top
-each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
-to crack cookie.  Makes a hell of a lot.
-%
-Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
-	Never eat rutabaga on any day of
-	the week that has a "y" in it.
-%
-pediddel:
-	A car with only one working headlight.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
-when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
-baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
-diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
-at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
-Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
-motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
-base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
-What is it?"
-	"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
-hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
-Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
-to Sax.'"
-		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Peeping Tom:
-	A window fan.
-%
-Peers's Law:
-The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-%
-Pelorat sighed.
-	"I will never understand people."
-	"There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look
-at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have
-worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
-if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
-weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand
-people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
--- no offense intended."
-		-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
-%
-Penguin Trivia #46:
-	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-%
-PENGUINICITY!!
-%
-pension:
-	A federally insured chain letter.
-%
-People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
-attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to
-suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the
-case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their
-only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
-tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-People are always available for work in the past tense.
-%
-People are beginning to notice you.
-Try dressing before you leave the house.
-%
-People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
-%
-People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
-%
-People don't change; they only become more so.
-%
-People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
-four times...
-%
-People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
-times, four time, five times...
-%
-People in general do not willingly read
-if they have anything else to amuse them.
-		-- S. Johnson
-%
-People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
-election.
-		-- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
-rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-People often find it easier to be a
-result of the past than a cause of the future.
-%
-People respond to people who respond.
-%
-People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
-*know* me there!
-		-- D.L. Roth
-%
-People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
-have been left out on the pleasure.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
-absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
-public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
-the concentration camps.
-%
-People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
-%
-People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
-to die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
-it too.
-%
-People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
-		-- Ken Kesey
-%
-People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
-%
-People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
-much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
-		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
-%
-People who claim they don't let little things bother
-them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
-%
-People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
-		-- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-%
-People who have no faults are terrible;
-there is no way of taking advantage of them.
-%
-People who have what they want are very fond of telling
-people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
-%
-People who push both buttons should get their wish.
-%
-People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
-%
-People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
-cold baths.
-%
-People who think they know everything
-greatly annoy those of us who do.
-%
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if
-you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-%
-People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
-%
-People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
-%
-People's Action Rules:
-	(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
-	(2) Some people who should, won't.
-	(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
-	(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
-	(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
-%
-Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
-		-- R.W. Hamming
-%
-Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
-[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
-or
-[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
-		-- Aelius Donatus
-%
-Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
-%
-perfect guest:
-	One who makes his host feel at home.
-%
-Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
-anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
-to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-Performance:
-	A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or
-	rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored
-	to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
-%
-Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
-I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
-poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
-		-- Thomas Macaulay
-%
-Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
-%
-Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
-behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
-order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's
-fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
-%
-Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom.  The first is
-being a bore.
-		-- Cecil Beaton
-%
-Perilous to all of us are the devices of
-an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
-		-- Gandalf the Grey
-%
-Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way.  "The cost may be
-upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
-nearly 10m#.  "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
-news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris.  "Rarely does
-the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
-prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
-periphrasis for November, and another for lingers.  "The answer is in the
-negative" is a periphrasis for No.  "Was made the recipient of" is a
-periphrasis for Was presented with.  The periphrasis style is hardly possible
-on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
-case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
-nature, reference, regard, respect".  The existence of abstract nouns is a
-proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
-civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
-by many held to be inseparable.  These good people feel that there is an almost
-indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
-instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
-developments."
-		-- Fowler's English Usage
-%
-Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
-a merit in political leaders.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
-%
-Personifiers of the world, unite!
-You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
-		-- Bernadette Bosky
-%
-Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
-%
-Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
-persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
-to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
-		-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
-%
-pessimist:
-	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
-	wolf from the door.
-
-optimist:
-	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
-	his pants.
-
-opportunist:
-	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
-%
-Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad.
-Waiter:	Who told you?
-Pete:	A little swallow.
-%
-Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Peter's Law of Substitution:
-	Look after the molehills, and the
-	mountains will look after themselves.
-
-Peter's Principle of Success:
-	Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
-
-Peter's Principle:
-	In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
-	his incompetence.
-%
-Peterson's Admonition:
-	When you think you're going down for the third time --
-	just remember that you may have counted wrong.
-%
-Peterson's Rules:
-	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
-		are filled with something sticky.
-	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
-	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
-	(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
-%
-petribar:
-	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
-	the window of a vending machine too long.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Phasers locked on target, Captain.
-%
-Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
-because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
-%
-Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
-%
-philosophy:
-	The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
-%
-philosophy:
-	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
-%
-Phone call for chucky-pooh.
-%
-phosflink:
-	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
-	will bring it back to life).
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Photographing a volcano is just about
-the most miserable thing you can do.
-		-- Robert B. Goodman
-		[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
-%
-Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
-farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
-chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
-%
-Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
-I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
-Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
-She left me not knowing what to do.
-
-Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
-Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
-The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
-Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
-
-Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
-I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
-Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
-With knowing I got noone left to blame.
-Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
-
-Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
-I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
-I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
-From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
-		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
-%
-Pickle's Law:
-	If Congress must do a painful thing,
-	the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
-%
-Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
-Not one damn thing do we solve.
-		-- 1776
-%
-Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
-%
-Piece of cake!
-		-- G.S. Koblas
-%
-pig, n:
-	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
-	the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
-	inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
-ruthless in punishing little thieves.
-		-- Diogenes
-%
-Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
-		-- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
-%
-Piping down the valleys wild,
-Piping songs of pleasant glee,
-On a cloud I saw a child,
-And he laughing said to me:
-"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
-So I piped with merry cheer.
-"Piper, pipe that song again;"
-So I piped: he wept to hear.
-		-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
-%
-Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
-the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
-outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
-		-- Love and Rockets
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
-	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
-	by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates
-	and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence
-	and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
-	small animals.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
-	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
-	Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as nobody
-	else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will probably
-	get run over by a bus.
-%
-PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
-	You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
-	It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
-	job you wanted.  Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have
-	a car.
-%
-pixel, n:
-	A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
-	The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
-	Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
-	intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
-%
-P-K4
-%
-PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
-to the problem set than to the solution set.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Plagiarize, plagiarize,
-Let no man's work evade your eyes,
-Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
-Don't shade your eyes,
-But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
-Only be sure to call it research.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Planet Claire has pink hair.
-All the trees are red.
-No one ever dies there.
-No one has a head....
-%
-Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe!
-Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
-		-- Green Lantern Comics
-%
-Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
-because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
-couldn't compete successfully with poets.
-		-- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
-%
-PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
-	What develops when two people get
-	tired of making love to each other.
-%
-Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
-%
-Please don't put a strain on our friendship
-by asking me to do something for you.
-%
-Please don't recommend me to your friends--
-it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
-%
-PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
-
-Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
-	 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
-%
-Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
-I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
-%
-Please go away.
-%
-Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
-%
-Please ignore previous fortune.
-%
-Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
-%
-Please, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
-%
-Please remain calm, it's no use both of
-us being hysterical at the same time.
-%
-Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
-
-	O Canada
-	Our home and native land
-	True patriot love
-	In all thy sons' command
-	With glowing hearts we see thee rise
-	The true north strong and free
-	From far and wide, O Canada
-	We stand on guard for thee
-	God keep our land glorious and free
-	O Canada we stand on guard for thee
-	O Canada we stand on guard for thee
-
-Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
-	Australian's all, let us rejoice,
-	For we are young and free.
-	We've golden soil and wealth for toil
-	Our home is girt by sea.
-	Our land abounds in nature's gifts
-	Of beauty rich and rare.
-	In history's page, let every stage
-	Advance Australia Fair.
-	In joyful strains then let us sing,
-	Advance Australia Fair.
-
-Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
-	God save our Gracious Queen!
-	Long live our Noble Queen!
-	God save the Queen!
-	Send her victorious,
-	Happy and glorious,
-	Long to reign o'er us!
-	God save the Queen!
-
-Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
-	Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
-	What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
-	Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
-	O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
-	And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
-	Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
-	Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
-	O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
-
-Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please take note:
-%
-Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
-until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,
-we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
-		-- N. Meyrowitz
-%
-Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
-%
-PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
-solution set.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
-of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
-an uncontainable experience.
-		-- R.S. Knapp
-%
-PLUG IT IN!!!
-%
-Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
-%
-Pohl's law:
-	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
-%
-poisoned coffee, n:
-	Grounds for divorce.
-%
-Poland has gun control.
-%
-Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
-teach children.
-		-- W.H. Auden
-%
-Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point
-here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
-		-- Alfred E. Neuman
-%
-Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
-can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
-%
-POLITICIAN:
-	From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
-	"face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
-	Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
-		-- Martin Pitt
-%
-Politicians are the same everywhere.  They promise
-to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-		-- Nikita Khrushchev
-%
-Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-		-- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
-been, and never will be wrong.
-		-- Walter Dwight
-%
-Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
-funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
-		-- Oscar Ameringer
-%
-Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
-without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
-for politics.
-	-- Albert Camus
-%
-Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
-dangerous.  In war, you can only be killed once.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
-systematic organisation of hatreds.
-		-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
-%
-Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart
-enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
-%
-Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing
-between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to
-realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-	-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
-week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to
-explain why it didn't happen.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Politics, like religion, hold up the
-torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
-		-- Amy Gorin
-%
-politics, n:
-	A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
-	The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
-	The hyperactive child is never absent.
-%
-POLYGON:
-	Dead parrot.
-%
-Polymer physicists are into chains.
-%
-Poorman's Rule:
-	When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
-	package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
-	pull it open.
-%
-Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
-Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The white
-smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
-on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
-possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
-
-	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
-	Half a pound of treacle
-	That's the way the chimney smokes
-	Pope Goestheveezl
-
-The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
-streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for hilarious civic
-functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
-Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Populus vult decipi.
-[The people like to be deceived.]
-%
-Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
-		-- Risky Business
-%
-POSITIVE:
-	Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
-%
-Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
-		-- Ryan
-%
-Post proelium, praemium.
-[After the battle, the reward.]
-%
-Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
-%
-Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
-
-	SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
-left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
-populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater.  Thanks to
-him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at.  Memorable
-line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
-
-	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
-fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
-unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks.  Scenes include a girl being stuffed
-with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
-with beets and dressing.  Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
-diets that are driving them crazy.
-
-	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
-Except with sour cream.
-%
-Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
-
-	THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
-McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
-to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
-behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
-
-	A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
-rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
-of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
-general butter-melting by all.
-
-	FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter
-Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
-%
-POVERTY:
-	An unfortunate state that persists as long
-	as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
-%
-Poverty begins at home.
-%
-Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
-poor people.
-		-- Don Herold
-%
-POWER:
-	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
-%
-Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
-		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
-%
-Power is poison.
-%
-Power is the finest token of affection.
-%
-Power, like a desolating pestilence,
-Pollutes whate'er it touches...
-		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
-%
-Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-		-- Lord Acton
-%
-PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
-%
-Practical people would be more practical if
-they would take a little more time for dreaming.
-		-- J.P. McEvoy
-%
-Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
-		-- Henry Adams
-%
-Practically perfect people never permit
-sentiment to muddle their thinking.
-		-- Mary Poppins
-%
-Practice is the best of all instructors.
-		-- Publilius
-%
-Practice yourself what you preach.
-		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-PRAIRIES:
-	Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
-%
-Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
-                -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
-%
-Praise the sea; on shore remain.
-		-- John Florio
-%
-pray, n:
-	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
-	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-		-- Russian Proverb
-%
-Predestination was doomed from the start.
-%
-Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-Prejudice:
-	A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-		-- D.E. Knuth
-%
-Preserve the old, but know the new.
-%
-Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
-%
-Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
-%
-President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
-pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
-%
-President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
-of the vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
-		-- The Washington Post
-%
-Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
-%
-Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
-	It's on the other side.
-%
-Price's Advice:
-	It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
-%
-[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
-the working man, he loves to see him work.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
-largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
-For having it off with his Mater;
-	Revenge Dad or not?
-	That's the gist of the plot,
-And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
-		-- Stanley J. Sharpless
-%
-Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle
-taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for
-all I know.
-		-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
-%
-Priority:
-	A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often
-	expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
-	care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
-	badly than someone else.
-%
-Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
-		-- Blake
-%
-Prizes are for children.
-		-- Charles Ives,
-		upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
-%
-Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
-%
-Probable-Possible, my black hen,
-She lays eggs in the Relative When.
-She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
-Because she's unable to postulate How.
-		-- Frederick Winsor
-%
-PROBLEM DRINKER:
-	A man who never buys.
-%
-Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
-And there's no reason for it.  So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
-for twelve years?  I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
-I can.  Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
-		-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
-%
-Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
-%
-Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
-midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
-Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average
-has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
-%
-PROGRAM:
-	Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
-	day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
-	"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
-	always justifies hiring at least three more people.
-%
-program, n:
-	A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
-	into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
-	one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
-%
-Programmers do it bit by bit.
-%
-Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
-without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
-		-- D.M. Ritchie
-%
-Programming Department:
-	Mistakes made while you wait.
-%
-Programming is an unnatural act.
-%
-PROGRESS:
-	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
-	invading the body and taking possession of it.
-
-	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
-	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
-%
-Progress is impossible without change, and those who
-cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Progress means replacing a theory that
-is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
-%
-Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
-%
-Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
-%
-PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
-	A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
-	level where they can't foul up operations.
-%
-Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
-%
-Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
-
-This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them.  Induction
-techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
-
-SAMPLE:  Proof of induction without proof of induction.
-
-	We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
-for every natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n
-as large as we want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
-trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.  We can
-take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
-	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
-%
-Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
-	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
-[1] Horses have an even number of legs.
-[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
-[3] This makes a total of six legs,
-	which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
-[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
-[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
-
-Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
-	intimidation,
-	gesticulation (handwaving),
-	"try it; it works",
-	constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
-	blatant assertion,
-	changing all the 2's to n's,
-	mutual consent,
-	lack of a counterexample, and,
-	"it stands to reason".
-%
-Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
-but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
-		-- Darrell Huff
-%
-Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Prototype designs always work.
-		-- Don Vonada
-%
-prototype, n.
-	First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
-	pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
-	upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the
-	prototype is not expected to work.
-%
-Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
-where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
-%
-Prunes give you a run for your money.
-%
-Pryor's Observation:
-	How long you live has nothing to do
-	with how long you are going to be dead.
-%
-Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
-shortcomings.
-		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
-%
-Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
-%
-Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
-a therapy.
-		-- Karl Kraus
-
-Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
-
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-		-- C.G. Jung
-%
-psychologist, n:
-	Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
-	into a room.
-%
-Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
-Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
-Biologists think they're biochemists.
-Biochemists think they're chemists.
-Chemists think they're physical chemists.
-Physical chemists think they're physicists.
-Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
-Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
-Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
-Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
-Philosophers think they're gods.
-%
-Psychology.  Mind over matter.
-Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.
-Never mind.
-%
-Public use of any portable music system is a
-virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
-		-- Zoso
-%
-Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
-a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
-%
-Pudder's Law:
-	Anything that begins well will end badly.
-	(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
-%
-Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
-%
-Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
-spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
-that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
-on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
-thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
-passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
-have plenty of food and water.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-PURGE COMPLETE.
-%
-PURITAN:
-	Someone who is deathly afraid that
-	someone, somewhere, is having fun.
-%
-Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
-%
-PURPITATION:
-	To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
-	don't want it, and then put it in another section.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
-%
-Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
-%
-Pushing forty is exercise enough.
-%
-Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
-Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
-Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
-		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
-		   of Texas.
-%
-Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
-		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
-%
-Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Put another password in,
-Bomb it out, then try again.
-Try to get past logging in,
-We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
-
-Try his first wife's maiden name,
-This is more than just a game.
-It's real fun, but just the same,
-It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
-%
-Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
-%
-Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
-%
-Put your best foot forward.
-Or just call in and say you're sick.
-%
-Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
-%
-Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
-%
-Put your trust in those who are worthy.
-%
-Putt's Law:
-	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
-		Those who understand what they do not manage.
-		Those who manage what they do not understand.
-%
-Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
-%
-Q:	Are we not men?
-A:	We are Vaxen.
-%
-Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
-A:	One per person.
-%
-Q:	Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
-A:	He got re-possessed!
-%
-Q:	How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
-A:	With three more bullets.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
-		your wife?
-A:	You have to wait 22 months.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
-		in a hurricane?
-A:	You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
-A:	When his lips move.
-%
-Q:	How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
-A:	He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
-
-Q:	But how did he get back down?
-A:	He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
-%
-Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
-A:	Unique up on it!
-
-Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
-A:	The tame way!
-%
-Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
-%
-Q.	How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
-A.	While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
-%
-Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
-A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
-%
-Q:	How do you make an elephant float?
-A:	You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
-%
-Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
-A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
-	struck by lightning first.
-%
-Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
-A:	Throw him a rock.
-%
-Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
-A:	With a blue-elephant gun.
-
-Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
-A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
-	a blue-elephant gun.
-%
-Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
-A:	Take away his credit cards.
-%
-Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
-	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
-A:	He changes the domain.
-%
-Q:	How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
-A:	She asks them for a commitment.
-%
-Q:	How does a WASP propose marriage?
-A:	"How would you like to be buried with my people?"
-%
-Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
-	of license fee (binary only).
-%
-Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
-	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
-%
-Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
-		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
-		lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
-
-Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
-		those Californians trying to share the experience.
-%
-Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
-%
-Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
-A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
-
-Q:	How long does it take?
-A:	It's indeterminate.
-	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
-
-Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
-A:	They replace your generator.
-%
-Q:	How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
-A:	One more than you can find.
-%
-Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
-A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.
-
-Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
-A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.
-
-Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.
-
-Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A:	The door won't shut.
-
-Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
-%
-Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.
-
-Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	None.  The application can work around it.
-
-Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.
-
-Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	None.  The user can figure it out.
-%
-Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
-%
-Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
-A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
-%
-Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
-A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
-%
-Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
-	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
-	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
-	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
-	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-%
-Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
-	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
-	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
-	reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
-	the bulb in the first place.
-%
-Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
-%
-Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
-party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
-agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
-from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
-upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
-the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
-at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
-the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
-second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
-parties.
-	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
-limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
-elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
-means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
-of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
-non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
-becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
-have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
-consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
-Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
-shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
-occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
-step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
-should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
-The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
-first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
-produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
-%
-Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
-	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-%
-Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
-%
-Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
-%
-Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:      One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
-	to the earlier joke.
-%
-Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
-	light bulb?
-A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
-	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
-	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
-	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
-	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
-	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
-	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
-	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
-	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
-	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
-	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
-	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
-	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
-	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
-	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
-	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
-	given all lightbulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
-	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
-%
-Q:	How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
-		bulb?
-A:	Three.  One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
-		witness.
-%
-Q:	How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
-	out from under him.
-%
-Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
-	to really want to change.
-%
-Q:	"How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
-A:	"Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
-	the ship out of disgrace."
-
-	[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for
-	a fight.  They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
-	pretty good for a LBJ.  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
-	with brightly colored machine tools.
-
-	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A:	One.
-%
-Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
-A:	2 bits.
-%
-Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
-A:	9 edge down.
-%
-Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
-		and putting wings on an elephant is?
-A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
-%
-Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
-A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
-	bottles into the typewriter.
-%
-Q:	Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
-	What should I do?
-
-A:	Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
-	believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably
-	be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
-	can.  No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
-	see if somebody else has made the correction.  And it's not good
-	enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the only one who
-	really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
-	whole net right away!
-		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
-A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."
-
-Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
-		sunglasses?
-A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
-%
-Q:	What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
-A:	You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
-	they go down on you.
-
-Q:	What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
-A:	You can park in the handicapped zone.
-
-Q:	Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
-	puzzle in only 6 months?
-A:	Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
-%
-Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
-A:	The very best person they can possibly be.
-%
-Q:	What do monsters eat?
-A:	Things.
-
-Q:	What do monsters drink?
-A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)
-%
-Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
-A:	The impossible dream.
-%
-Q:	What do WASP's do instead of making love?
-A:	Rule the country.
-%
-Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
-A:	The same middle name.
-%
-Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
-A:	A dope ring.
-
-Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
-A:	To cover up the valve stem.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
-A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.
-
-Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
-A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
-A:	A stick.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
-A:	An interpreter.
-
-Q:	Why do blondes have square breasts?
-A:	They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
-
-Q:	What do you call ten blonds in a row?
-A:	A wind tunnel.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a dog with no legs?
-A:	What does it matter?  He can't come anyway.
-
-	[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
-		Every night, I take him out for a drag.  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
-	eating fruit, and singing?
-A:	The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
-A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).
-%
-Q:	What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
-A:	A good start.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
-	is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
-A:	A deep C diva.
-%
-Q.	What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
-A.	A Christian Science Monitor.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
-	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
-A:	A failure.
-%
-Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
-	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
-A:	A howdah duty.
-%
-Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
-	sheep bites you?
-A:	Ewe nicks.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
-A:	An offer you can't understand.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
-A:	Hot cross bunnies!
-%
-Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
-A:	Not enough sand.
-%
-Q:	What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
-A:	She goes home.
-
-Q:	Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
-A:	To keep her neck warm.
-
-Q:	How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
-A:	Tell her a joke on Friday.
-%
-Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
-A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
-	a delicious dessert.
-%
-Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
-A:	Open other end.
-%
-Q:	What goes: Sis!  Boom!  Baaaaah!
-A:	Exploding sheep.
-%
-Q:	What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
-A:	A dinner party.
-%
-Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
-A:	Moby Pickle.
-%
-Q:	What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
-A:	Feet.
-%
-Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
-A:	A ball point carrot.
-%
-Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
-A:	Open other end.
-%
-Q:	What is purple and commutes?
-A:	A boolean grape.
-%
-Q:	What is purple and commutes?
-A:	An Abelian grape.
-%
-Q:	What is purple and concord the world?
-A:	Alexander the Grape.
-%
-Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
-	existentialist?"
-A:	"Is there a dog?"
-%
-Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
-A:	One leg is both the same.
-%
-Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
-A:	Yogurt has culture.
-%
-Q:	What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
-A:	Her bowling shoes.
-%
-Q:	What is the mating call of a blonde?
-A:	I think I'm drunk.
-
-Q:	What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
-A:	I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
-
-Q:	What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
-A:	(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
-%
-Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
-A:	Mu.
-%
-Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
-A:	A nervous wreck.
-%
-Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
-	plays like a monkey?
-A:	Nothing.
-%
-Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
-A:	Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
-%
-Q:	What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
-A:	Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
-%
-Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
-A:	A doberman.
-%
-Q:	What's the Blonde's cheer?
-A:	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
-	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
-
-Q:	What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
-A:	Artificial intelligence.
-
-Q:	How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
-A:	Shine a flashlight in their ear.
-%
-Q.	What's the capital of Canada?
-A.	American.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
-	lawyer in the road?
-A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
-A:	You can't get down off an elephant.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
-A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
-A:	The moustache.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
-A:	One more drunk.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
-A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
-%
-Q.	What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
-A.	Yogurt has a living, active culture.
-%
-Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
-A:	A canary with the super-user password.
-%
-Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
-A:	Zorn's Lemon.
-%
-Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
-A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
-
-Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
-A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
-%
-Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
-A:	Lawn Boy.
-%
-Q:	Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
-A:	Because they're worth it!
-%
-Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
-A:	Because he was hungry.
-%
-Q:	Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
-A:	To see what was on the other side.
-
-Q:	Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
-A:	More head room.
-
-Q:	How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
-A:	She opens the car door.
-%
-Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A:	He was giving it last rites.
-%
-Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.
-
-Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
-A:	To get to the other slide.
-%
-Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
-A:	To get to the other slide.
-%
-Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
-A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
-%
-Q:	Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
-A:	Because he left a residue at every pole.
-%
-Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
-A:	Because that was her name.
-%
-Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
-A:	To get to the middle.
-%
-Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
-A:	To stamp out forest fires.
-
-Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
-A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
-%
-Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
-A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
-%
-Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
-A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
-%
-Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
-A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
-	Oh, right, *of course*!
-%
-Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
-A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
-	an eye on the two intellectuals.
-%
-Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
-	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
-A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.
-%
-Q:	Why don't blondes eat pickles?
-A:	Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
-
-Q:	Why do blondes wear underwear?
-A:	To keep their ankles warm.
-
-Q:	How do you kill a blonde?
-A:	Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
-%
-Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
-A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.
-%
-Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
-A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
-	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
-	visiting, they always take three.
-%
-Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
-A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
-	gets all the credit.
-%
-Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
-	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
-A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.
-%
-Q:	Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
-A:	It takes too long to retrain them.
-
-Q:	What's the mating call of the brunette?
-A:	All the blondes have gone home!
-
-Q:	How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
-A:	There's white-out on the screen.
-%
-Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
-	soup in a plate?
-A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
-%
-Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
-A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
-%
-Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
-A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
-A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
-A: The Titanic had a band.
-%
-QED.
-%
-QOTD:
-	 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
-%
-QOTD:
-	All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
-%
-QOTD:
-	All I want is more than my fair share.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Dead people are good at running because they don't
-	have to stop and breathe."
-		-- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
-	I go to work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
-	save the earth!
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Her other car is a broom."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's a perfectionist.  If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
-	her to cook."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
-%
-QOTD:
-	How can I miss you if you won't go away?
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the
-other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
-	ball in their court.
-		-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
-	didn't work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
-	horse with one of the horns broken off."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
-	it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
-	the lost."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
-	dog for dinner."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza.  I might play
-	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
-%
-QOTD:
-	If it's too loud, you're too old.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
-%
-QOTD:
-	I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
-
-	[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
-	stations anymore."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
-	hands in his own pockets."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been Monday all week today."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
-	the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at
-	them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on
-	strike.  To make less money."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
-	all of my stuff."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing
-	trivial."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Let's do it."
-		-- Gary Gilmore
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
-	mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
-	on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.
-		-- Goodstein, States of Matter
-%
-QOTD:
-	Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
-	her husband work."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with
-	a fake?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Our parents were never our age."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
-	shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She's about as smart as bait."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Silence is the only virtue he has left.
-%
-QOTD:
-	Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
-	I do what I get paid to do.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
-	neck to get the dog to play with it."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
-%
-QOTD:
-	The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
-	the snakes have gone away.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
-	left."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you
-	think he was broken!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
-	when I mess things up."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
-	"baring your neck."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
-	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
-	How...  tribal."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
-%
-QOTD:
-Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
-to late to punish.
-%
-QOTD:
-I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
-then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
-	-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
-%
-QOTD:
-"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
-	-- Kathy Ireland
-%
-QOTD:
-"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
-%
-QOTD:
-Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
-on my part.
-%
-QOTD:
-On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
-%
-QOTD:
-Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-QOTD:
-The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
-gerbil has more dark meat.
-%
-Quack!
-	Quack!! Quack!!
-%
-Quality control:
-	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
-	and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
-%
-QUALITY CONTROL:
-	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
-	production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
-%
-Quantity is no substitute for quality,
-but its the only one we've got.
-%
-Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
-		-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
-%
-Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
-%
-QUARK:
-	The sound made by a well bred duck.
-%
-Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
-%
-Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
-exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
-from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
-Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
-weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-		-- Dennis Miller
-%
-Question:
-	Man Invented Alcohol,
-	God Invented Grass.
-	Whom do you trust?
-%
-question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare
-%
-QUESTION AUTHORITY.
-
-(Sez who?)
-%
-Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
-they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
-%
-Questionable day.
-Ask somebody something.
-%
-Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
-%
-Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
-
-(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
-%
-Quigley's Law:
-	Whoever has any authority over you,
-	no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
-%
-Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
-		-- Robert Orben
-%
-Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
-After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
-%
-Qvid me anxivs svm?
-%
-Radicalism:
-	The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
-		-- A. Bierce
-%
-RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
-READY
->_
-%
-Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
-%
-Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-rain falls where clouds come
-sun shines where clouds go
-clouds just come and go
-		-- Florian Gutzwiller
-%
-Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
-%
-Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
-%
-Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
-%
-Ralph's Observation:
-It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
-realise that you are in a hurry.
-%
-RAM wasn't built in a day.
-%
-Random, n:
-	as in number, predictable.
-	as in memory access, unpredictable.
-%
-Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
-%
-Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
-		-- Errol Flynn
-%
-Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
-saw at the airport...   Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
-magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does it
-bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
-secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
-when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are they taking no-fault
-insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current rate it won't be long
-before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
-A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
-engineers then?  Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
-		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
-%
-Razors pain you;
-Rivers are damp;
-Acids stain you;
-And drugs cause cramp.
-Guns aren't lawful;
-Nooses give;
-Gas smells awful;
-You might as well live.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
-%
-Re: Graphics:
-	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
-	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
-	described with pictures.
-%
-Reach into the thoughts of friends,
-And find they do not know your name.
-Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
-And watch the feathers burst the seams.
-Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
-And feel its chill upon your blood.
-Hold a candle to the night,
-And see the darkness bend the flame.
-Tear the mask of peace from God,
-And hear the roar of souls in hell.
-Pluck a rose in name of love,
-And watch the petals curl and wilt.
-Lean upon the western wind,
-And know you are alone.
-		-- Dru Mims
-%
-Reactor error - core dumped!
-%
-Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
-%
-Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
-%
-Reagan can't act either.
-%
-Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has
-limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are
-so poor at I/O.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with
-`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
-(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
-%
-Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
-could they read their mail?
-%
-Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
-future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
-will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
-%
-Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
-find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
-implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
-still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
-%
-Real programmers don't document; if it was
-hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
-%
-Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
-illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
-good it did them.
-%
-Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
-%
-Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
-you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
-wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
-spring up in the middle of the machine room.
-%
-Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
-FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
-%
-Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for
-programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
-%
-Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
-%
-Real programs don't eat cache.
-%
-Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they
-use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
-%
-Real wealth can only increase.
-		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Real World, The n.:
-	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
-used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
-programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
-programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
-and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.  The location
-of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.  "Poor fellow, he's
-left MIT and gone into T.R.W."  Used pejoratively by those not in residence
-there.  In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
-is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
-%
-Reality -- what a concept!
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
-%
-Reality does not exist - yet.
-%
-Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
-%
-Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
-%
-Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
-	-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
-cannot be fooled.
-		-- R.P. Feynman
-%
-Really??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
-%
-Reappraisal, n:
-	An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
-%
-Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
-flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-		-- Dolph Sharp
-%
-Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
-%
-Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
-is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
-		-- C.N. Parkinson
-%
-Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
-his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
-"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the
-microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
-bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie
-Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow!  I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
-Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
-"'Close to You'.  Hit it, boys!"
-		-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
-%
-Reception area, n:
-	The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
-	innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
-	magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
-	while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
-	Cosmopolitan.
-%
-Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
-lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
-but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
-Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
-%
-Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
-	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
-	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
-		Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
-	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
-		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
-	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
-	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
-		Qualactin Hypermint extract.
-	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
-	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
-	(8) Add an olive.
-	(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
-%
-Reclaimer, spare that tree!
-Take not a single bit!
-It used to point to me,
-Now I'm protecting it.
-It was the reader's CONS
-That made it, paired by dot;
-Now, GC, for the nonce,
-Thou shalt reclaim it not.
-%
-Recursion is the root of computation
-since it trades description for time.
-%
-Recursion: n. See Recursion.
-		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
-administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
-%
-Regnant populi.
-%
-Regression analysis:
-	Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
-	getting worse.
-%
-Reichel's Law:
-	A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
-	an outside force.
-%
-Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
-		-- Thomas Berger
-%
-Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
-	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
-%
-Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
-knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
-%
-...relaxed in the manner of a man who
-has no need to put up a front of any kind.
-		-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
-%
-Reliable source, n:
-	The guy you just met.
-%
-Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
-%
-Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-		-- Napoleon
-%
-Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
-%
-Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
-extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
-		-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
-		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
-%
-Remember Darwin; building a better
-mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
-%
-Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
-with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
-deserts.
-		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
-%
-Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
-have an established user base.
-%
-Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
-the first one.
-		-- Confusion
-%
-"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
-*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
-		-- Good Morning Vietnam
-%
-Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
-that you're the one holding it.
-		-- Mr. Greenfatigues
-%
-Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-		-- Dave Butler
-%
-Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
-you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
-		-- Hans Liepmann
-%
-Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
-it could only be worse in Cleveland.
-%
-Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
-%
-Remember the... the... uhh.....
-%
-Remember thee
-Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
-In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
-Yea, from the table of my memory
-I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
-All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
-That youth and observation copied there.
-		-- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
-%
-Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
-%
-Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
-		-- Mt.
-%
-Remember: use logout to logout.
-%
-Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-Remove me from this land of slaves,
-Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
-Where every knave and fool is bought,
-Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
-		-- Jonathan Swift
-%
-Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
-does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
-%
-Renning's Maxim:
-	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
-%
-Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
-		-- Indiana University footbal cheer
-%
-Reply hazy, ask again later.
-%
-Reporter:
-	A writer who guesses his way to the truth
-	and dispels it with a tempest of words.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
-Yogi Berra: "Closed."
-%
-Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
-Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
-%
-Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
-		Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
-Gandhi:		I think it would be a good idea.
-%
-Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
-Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
-
-Democrats eat the fish they catch.
-Republicans hang them on the wall.
-
-Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry
-Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-
-Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
-Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
-
-Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
-That is why there are more Democrats.
-		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Reputation, adj:
-	What others are not thinking about you.
-%
-Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
-you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
-so you're still a valiant nerd.
-%
-Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
-and think what nobody else has thought.
-%
-Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-		-- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Research, n:
-	Consider Columbus:
-	He didn't know where he was going.
-	When he got there he didn't know where he was.
-	When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
-	And he did it all on someone else's money.
-%
-Resisting temptation is easier when you
-think you'll probably get another chance later on.
-%
-Responsibility:
-	Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is
-a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
-goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
-is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they're smart, that is.
-		-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
-%
-Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
-actually have a shot at it.
-%
-Reunite Gondwanaland!
-%
-Rev. Jim:	What does an amber light mean?
-Bobby:		Slow down.
-Rev. Jim:	What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean?
-Bobby:		Slow down.
-Rev. Jim:	What....     does....     an....     amber....     light....
-%
-Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
-%
-Revenge is a meal best served cold.
-%
-Review Questions
-
-1:	If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
-	and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
-	he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
-	Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
-
-2:	If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
-	twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
-	every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
-	his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?
-
-3:	If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
-	the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
-	a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
-	Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
-%
-Revolution, n:
-	A form of government abroad.
-%
-Revolution, n:
-	In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-revolutionary, adj:
-	Repackaged.
-%
-Rhode's Law:
-	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
-	or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
-	circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
-	estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
-	of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
-	personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
-	above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
-	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
-	and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
-	assume otherwise, maybe.
-%
-Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
-should be happier than others.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
-He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
-lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
-world.
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater
-%
-Riches cover a multitude of woes.
-		-- Menander
-%
-Rick:		"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
-Renault:	"I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is
-			going on here."
-Croupier (handing money to Renault):
-		"Your winnings, sir."
-Renault:	"Oh.  Thank you very much."
-		-- Casablanca
-%
-Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
-Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
-%
-"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither
-machines nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not
-rights, which they use or do not use.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Ring around the collar.
-%
-Ritchie's Rule:
-	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
-	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
-	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
-%
-Robot, n:
-	Someone who's been made by a scientist.
-%
-Robot, n:
-	University administrator.
-%
-Robustness, adj:
-	Never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
-	Unless the results are known in advance,
-	funding agencies will reject the proposal.
-%
-Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
-become necessary.
-		-- Edgar Friedenberg
-%
-Rome was not built in one day.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
-%
-Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
-He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
-Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
-Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
-		-- Elvis Costello
-%
-Roses are red;
-	Violets are blue.
-I'm schizophrenic,
-	And so am I.
-%
-Rotten wood cannot be carved.
-		-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
-%
-Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-		-- Zero Mostel
-%
-Round Numbers are always false.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
-%
-Rubber bands have snappy endings!
-%
-Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
-Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
-%
-Rudd's Discovery:
-	You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
-	$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can
-	stay in Washington and make it there.
-%
-Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
-%
-Rudin's Law:
-	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
-	do it every time.
-
-Rudin's Second Law:
-	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
-	courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
-	course.
-%
-rugby, n:
-	Elegant violence.
-
-	(Rugby players eat their dead.)
-	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
-	(Support your local hooker!  Play rugby!)
-
-	[A "hooker" is part of the scrum.  Thought you'd want to know.  Ed.]
-%
-RUGGED:
-	Too heavy to lift.
-%
-Rule #1:
-	The Boss is always right.
-
-Rule #2:
-	If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
-%
-Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
-	Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
-not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
-sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
-regain their composure.
-%
-Rule of Creative Research:
-	1) Never draw what you can copy.
-	2) Never copy what you can trace.
-	3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-Rule of Defactualization:
-	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
-%
-Rule of Feline Frustration:
-	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
-	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
-	bathroom.
-%
-Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
-%
-Rule of the Great:
-	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
-	thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
-%
-Rule the Empire through force.
-		-- Shogun Tokugawa
-%
-Rules for driving in New York:
-	1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
-	2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
-	3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
-		intersection.
-%
-Rules for Good Grammar #4.
- 1:	Don't use no double negatives.
- 2:	Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
- 3:	Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- 4:	About them sentence fragments.
- 5:	When dangling, watch your participles.
- 6:	Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
- 7:	Just between you and i, case is important.
- 8:	Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
- 9:	Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
-10:	Try to not ever split infinitives.
-11:	It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
-12:	Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
-13:	Correct speling is essential.
-14:	A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
-15:	While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
-	careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
-	become ensconced in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation.
-%
-Rules for Writers:
-	Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don't use no double
-negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
-and never where it isn't.  Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
-omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
-unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don't start a sentence with
-a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
-Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don't use contractions in formal writing.
-Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on
-us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
-snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I've
-told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also,
-avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don't string too many prepositional
-phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
-death.  "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
-%
-RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
-	 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
-	 2. Never leave the table hungry.
-	 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
-	 4. Enjoy your food.
-	 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
-	 6. Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
-		accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
-	 7. Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare, for
-		example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
-		Which feels better against your cheeks?
-	 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
-	 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
-		always eat it later.
-	10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
-	11. Avoid blue food.
-		-- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
-%
-Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Rune's Rule:
-	If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
-%
-Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
-		-- John Cameron Swayze
-%
-Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,
-he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
-		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
-		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
-		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Ryan's Law:
-	Make three correct guesses consecutively
-	and you will establish yourself as an expert.
-%
-Sacher's Observation:
-	Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
-%
-Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-SADISM:
-	A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
-%
-sadoequinecrophilia, n:
-	Beating a dead horse.
-%
-Safety Third.
-%
-Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-	Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
-	1. Little things start bothering you:  little things like worms,
-		bugs, ants.
-	2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
-	3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
-	4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
-	5. Exotic birds flock around you.
-	6. People ignore you at parties.
-	7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
-	8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
-SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
-
-	In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
-Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
-to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
-space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
-violate the ABM treaty.  Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
-turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
-center.  The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
-	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
-	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of
-	Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at
-	you a great deal.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
-	Move slowly today, be deliberate.  Indications are for bleeding
-	ulcers.  Drink milk.  Try not to be your usual offensive and
-	obnoxious self.  Call your mother.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
-	Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
-	backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus.  Subdue
-	impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
-%
-Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
-got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
-the ashtray."
-%
-Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
-		-- Heard on Noahs' ark
-%
-Sailors in ships, sail on!
-Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
-%
-Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
-		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
-%
-Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
-in small amounts over a long period of time.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Sally:	C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
-		with me.
-Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you're asking?  Men aren't trained
-		to share.  We're trained to protect ourselves by not
-		letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around
-		sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
-Sally:	It's called "trust," Ted.
-Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
-		uncharted waters here.
-		-- Sally Forth
-%
-Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
-Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
-Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
-Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
-Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
-Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
-Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
-		-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
-
-Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
-Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
-		-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
-
-Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
-%
-Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
-Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
-		-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
-
-Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
-		-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
-
-Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
-All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
-Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
-Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
-		-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
-%
-Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
-Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
-      it, and I'll blow out my liver.
-		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
-Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
-       Found him every couple of blocks.
-		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
-%
-Sam:  What's new, Norm?
-Norm: Most of my wife.
-		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
-
-Coach: Beer, Norm?
-Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
-		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
-
-Coach: What's doing, Norm?
-Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
-       to be the guinea pig.
-		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
-%
-SAN DIEGO:
-	Four million people, where you can't get a
-	good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
-%
-SAN FRANCISCO:
-	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
-%
-San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
-people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
-they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
-One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
-		-- George Halas, professional footbal coach
-%
-San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
-		-- Herb Caen
-%
-Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
-%
-Sank heaven for leetle curls.
-%
-Santa Claus is watching!
-%
-Santa Claus wears a red suit
-He's a Communist.
-
-He has long hair and a beard
-Must be a pacifist.
-
-And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
-
-Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
-He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
-
-Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
-		-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
-%
-
-SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
-MICRO ARTISTS GANG!  MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
-
-
-					     \__\_ :. ___/
-						..\  /--
- :.______ :  .:*  :  . _ .:  :..  .  :   . .  :    ()_ .:
-  ((     \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/  *\_o
-====((    \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. .  ()_______/\\ __-'
- \____((   \ ()oo()_/ /.:  :  ..________/_____ll   -/.: ..
- (      ((  \(())))__/   .  ..  \\.: ..(   )  ll (  l_.:
-(       / (( \__*__)___:___ :  : ))   .) /--------\ \ \
-(      /    ((_____________) .. //  . / / /..:: .  )_)_\
- (____/_____________________\__// :  /_/_/  :..  :/_/ \_\
- /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/    /_/_/
-
-
-%
-Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
-%
-Satellite Safety Tip #14:
-	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
-%
-Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
-%
-Satire is tragedy plus time.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Satire is what closes in New Haven.
-%
-Satire is what closes Saturday night.
-		-- George Kaufman
-%
-Sattinger's Law:
-	It works better if you plug it in.
-%
-Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
-Is like being nowhere at all,
-All through the day how the hours rush by,
-You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
-		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
-%
-Satyrs have more faun.
-%
-Savage's Law of Expediency:
-	You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
-%
-Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
-surprised at how little you have.
-		-- Ernest Haskins
-%
-Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
-%
-Save energy: be apathetic.
-%
-Save gas, don't eat beans.
-%
-Save gas, don't use the shell.
-%
-Save the bales!
-%
-Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
-%
-Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!
-%
-Say!  You've struck a heap of trouble--
-Bust in business, lost your wife;
-No one cares a cent about you,
-You don't care a cent for life;
-Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
-Health is failing, wish you'd die--
-Why, you've still the sunshine left you
-And the big blue sky.
-		-- R.W. Service
-%
-Say it with flowers,
-Or say it with mink,
-But whatever you do,
-Don't say it with ink!
-		-- Jimmie Durante
-%
-Say many of cameras focused t'us,
-Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
-No justice, please, curse ye!
-We really want mercy:
-You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
-		-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
-%
-Say my love is easy had,
-Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
-Say I am too often sad --
-Still behold me at your side.
-
-Say I'm neither brave nor young,
-Say I woo and coddle care,
-Say the devil touched my tongue,
-Still you have my heart to wear.
-
-But say my verses do not scan,
-And I get me another man!
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
-%
-Say no, then negotiate.
-		-- Helga
-%
-Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
-%
-Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
-%
-SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-SCENARIO:
-	An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
-	which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in
-	sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
-%
-Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
-%
-Scene:
-	A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
-room.  A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
-white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
-filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
-shoulder.  His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
-intently watching him.
-
-Caption:
-	"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy.  Now I'll have to kill you.
-%
-Schapiro's Explanation:
-	The grass is always greener on the other side --
-	but that's because they use more manure.
-%
-Schizophrenia beats being alone.
-%
-schlattwhapper, n:
-	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
-	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schmidt's Observation:
-	All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
-	than a thin person.
-%
-Science and religion are in full accord but
-science and faith are in complete discord.
-%
-Science Fiction, Double Feature.
-Frank has built and lost his creature.
-Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
-The servants gone to a distant planet.
-Wo, oh, oh, oh.
-At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
-I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
-To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
-		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a
-collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
-is a house.
-		-- Jules Henri Poincare
-%
-Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
-%
-Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
-%
-Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
-%
-Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
-Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
-Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
-Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
-How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
-Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
-To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
-Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
-Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
-And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
-To seek a shelter in some happier star?
-Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
-The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
-The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
-		-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
-%
-Scientists still know less about what attracts men
-than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
-		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
-		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
-%
-Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
-They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
-was built. Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were
-linked together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights
-started blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there
-was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
-struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
-together.  "There is now", came the reply.
-%
-Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
-Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
-Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
-Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
-Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
-Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
-%
-Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
-	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve
-	the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most
-	Scorpio people are murdered.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
-	Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans.  Smile.  Check
-	for concealed weapons.  Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
-	to throw up.  Knock it off.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
-	You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
-	dollars in prizes.  It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
-	subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
-	to win.  You never learn.
-%
-Scott's First Law:
-	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
-
-Scott's Second Law:
-	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
-	to have been wrong in the first place.
-Corollary:
-	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
-	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
-	equation.
-%
-Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
-Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
-Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
-Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
-Spock:	Affirmative.
-Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
-Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
-%
-Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
-Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
-And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
-Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
-Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
-And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
-And we've also found			Just flip one switch
-When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
-You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
-Oh, it's so much fun,				in a flash.
-Now the CPU won't run			 When the CPU
-And the system is going to crash.	Can print nothing out but "foo,"
-					The system is going to crash.
-		-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
-%
-Scratch the disks!
-Drop the core!
-Roll the tapes across the floor!
-%
-Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
-%
-SCRIBLINE:
-	The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
-		-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
-%
-Sears has everything.
-%
-Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
-%
-Second Law of Business Meetings:
-	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
-	will pick the wrong one.
-
-Corollary:
-	If there is only one way to spell a name,
-	you will spell it wrong, anyway.
-%
-Second Law of Final Exams:
-	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
-	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
-%
-Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
-%
-Secretary's Revenge:
-	Filing almost everything under "the".
-%
-Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
-%
-Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
-[Who guards the Guardians?]
-%
-Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
-She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
-Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
-Silently scheming,
-Sightlessly seeking
-Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
-the second one should have seen it.
-%
-Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
-was going on.  One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
-who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
-himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon.  The man gasped and
-asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
-	"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
-far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
-%
-Seeing is believing.
-You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
-%
-Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Seeing that death, a necessary end,
-Will come when it will come.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
-driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the
-mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
-luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
-rocks.  They all got out of the car:
-        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
-        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
-into town and have a specialist look at it."
-        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
-in and see if it does it again."
-%
-Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
-counter and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
-you?".
-	The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
-	"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
-you like me to put it on your bill?"
-	Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
-%
-Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
-to turn it into a thriving enterprise.  The fields are grown over with weeds,
-the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
-During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
-work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
-dreams!"
-	A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
-Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
-completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
-other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
-are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says.
-"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
-	"Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
-like when God was working it alone!"
-%
-Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
-and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
-register.
-	"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
-	"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
-	"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
-	"A few."
-	"Got any bear bells?"
-	"What's that?"
-	"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
-bears know yer there so's they can run away ...  I'll take one fer black
-bears, and one fer them grizzlies.  Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
-country, anyhow?"
-	"Look fer scatt.  Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
-	"Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
-	"Bear bells."
-%
-Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
-Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
-
-In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
-In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
-In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
-In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
-%
-Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
-doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
-that the only thing for his headaches was castration.  After a few more
-months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
-Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
-and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
-He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
-up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
-	The guy is amazed.  "How'd you know?"
-	"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
-a quarter inch on every piece of clothing."  The salesman's claim is borne
-out.  Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long.  And so on and so forth.
-When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
-some new underwear.
-	The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
-	"No, that's wrong," says the man.  "I've always worn a 32."  The
-salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far.  The man argues, agreeing
-that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
-	Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
-you *have* to wear a 34.  Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
-%
-Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
-Joy.  But she sidestepped, and they missed.
-%
-Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
-	Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
-%
-semper en excretus
-%
-SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
-%
-Send some filthy mail.
-%
-Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
-		-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
-%
-SENILITY:
-	The state of mind of elderly persons
-	with whom one happens to disagree.
-%
-Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
-little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
-In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
-		-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
-%
-Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
-%
-Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
-		-- Graham Greene
-%
-SERENDIPITY:
-	The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
-%
-Serfs up!
-		-- Spartacus
-%
-Serocki's Stricture:
-	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
-%
-Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
-%
-Set the cart before the horse.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
-swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
-there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
-retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
-some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
-fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
-loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security
-guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
-anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-%
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Is all my brain and body need.
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Are very good indeed.
-
-Take your silly ways,
-Throw them out the window,
-The wisdom of your ways,
-I've been there and I know,
-Lots of other ways...
-		-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
-%
-Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
-%
-Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-		-- Lewis Grizzard
-%
-Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich.  But a cheese sandwich,
-if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
-		-- Ian Dury
-%
-Sex is an emotion in motion.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
-for diet Coke."
-		-- Malcolm MacDougall
-%
-Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
-it's still darn tasty!
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation...  The other eight are
-unimportant.
-		-- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-		-- M.C. Reed
-%
-Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
-most amount of trouble.
-		-- John Barrymore
-%
-Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
-repeated until infinity.
-		-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
-		   Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
-		   1973.
-%
-Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
-as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
-how children do not come into the world.
-		-- Karl Kraus
-%
-Shah, shah!  Ayatulla you so!
-%
-Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
-always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
-		-- J.M. Barrie
-%
-Shame is an improper emotion invented by
-pietists to oppress the human race.
-		-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
-%
-Shannon's Observation
-	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
-	that is beginning to improve.
-%
-share, n:
-	To give in, endure humiliation.
-%
-Shaw's Principle:
-	Build a system that even a fool can use,
-	and only a fool will want to use it.
-%
-She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
-good.
-		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
-containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
-for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
-the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
-
-In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
-not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
-worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
-	-- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
-%
-She asked me, "What's your sign?"
-I blinked and answered "Neon,"
-I thought I'd blow her mind...
-%
-She been married so many times
-she got rice marks all over her face.
-		-- Tom Waits
-%
-She blinded me with science!
-%
-She can kill all your files;
-She can freeze with a frown.
-And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
-And she works on her code until ten after three.
-She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
-		-- Apologies to Billy Joel
-%
-She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
-		-- Tommy Manville
-%
-She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
-%
-She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
-years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
-left.  Excited a few men in the meantime.
-	-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
-	   involvement in "The Avengers".
-%
-She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
-a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
-%
-She often gave herself very good advice
-(though she very seldom followed it).
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
-%
-She say, Miss Colie, You better hush.  God might hear you.
-Let 'im hear me, I say.  If he ever listened to poor colored
-women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
-		-- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
-%
-She sells cshs by the cshore.
-%
-She stood on the tracks
-Waving her arms
-Leading me to that third rail shock
-Quick as a wink
-She changed her mind
-
-She gave me a night
-That's all it was
-What will it take until I stop
-Kidding myself
-Wasting my time
-
-There's nothing else I can do
-'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
-I don't want anyone new
-'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
-There's nothing in it for you
-'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
-		-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
-%
-She was bred in ol' Kentucky
-But she's just a crumb up here
-She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
-With a cauliflower ear
-Someday we will be married
-And if vegetables become too dear
-I'll just cut me a slice of
-Her cauliflower ear!
-		-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
-%
-She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
-good at being short.
-		-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
-%
-She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
-%
-She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
-%
-She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n!  The batteries are dead!
-%
-Shedenhelm's Law:
-	All trails have more uphill sections
-	than they have downhill sections.
-%
-"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
-%
-Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
-turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
-bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
-night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
-aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
-		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
-		   bad fiction contest.
-%
-Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
-him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess
-of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-She's learned to say things with her eyes
-that others waste time putting into words.
-%
-She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
-%
-She's such a kinky girl,
-The kind you don't take home to mother.
-She will never let your spirits down
-Once you get her off the street.
-%
-She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...
-%
-Shick's Law:
-	There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
-%
-Shift to the left,
-Shift to the right,
-Mask in, mask out,
-BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
-%
-SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
-SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
-POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
-BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
-%
-Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
-%
-Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today.  Two freaks
-in a van  [Oh no!!  It's the Copyright Police!!]  Her aura-charred body was
-laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
-of Asinine Flake Entertainers].  Excerpted from some of his more quotable
-comments:
-
-	"Truly a woman of the times.  These times, those times..."
-	"A Renaissance woman.  Why in 1432..."
-	"A man for all seasons.  Really..."
-
-After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
-it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
-body join her long dead brain.
-%
-Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
-they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
-		-- Terry Southern
-%
-Short people get rained on last.
-%
-Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
-		-- Martin Mull
-%
-Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
-Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
-		-- Leo Durocher
-%
-Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
-show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
-%
-Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
-%
-Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
-%
-Showing up is 80% of life.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
-[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
-		-- Henri Estienne
-%
-Sic transit gloria Monday!
-%
-Sic transit gloria mundi.
-[So passes away the glory of this world.]
-		-- Thomas a Kempis
-%
-Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
-%
-Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
-%
-Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
-%
-Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-		-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
-%
-Silence can be the biggest lie of all.  We have a responsibility to speak
-up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
-raise bloody hell.
-		-- Herbert Block
-%
-Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-Silence is the only virtue you have left.
-%
-sillema sillema nika su
-[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
-%
-Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-%
-Silly Sally was baby sitting.  But Silly Sally was getting bored.  Thinking
-a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage.  Silly Sally pushed the
-carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one.  She pushed
-the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN!  It slipped out
-of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
-intersection in town.   BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
-
-Silly Sally was playing in the garage.  And she was being disobedient.
-She was playing with matches...  AND...  She burned down the garage.
-(OHHHHHH)  Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally!  You have been naughty!
-And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!"  BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
-%
-Silverman's Law:
-	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
-%
-Simon's Law:
-	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
-%
-Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
-%
-Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
-		-- Hubert Kirrman
-%
-Sin boldly.
-		-- Martin Luther
-%
-Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
-%
-Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
-All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
-(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
-when others believe him.
-		-- Charles DeGaulle
-%
-Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
-%
-Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
-cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
-this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
-%
-Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
-having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
-burst out in laughter.
-		-- Long Chen Pa
-%
-Since I hurt my pendulum
-My life is all erratic.
-My parrot who was cordial
-Is now transmitting static.
-The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
-The cat keeps doing poo.
-The only thing that keeps me sane
-Is talking to my shoe.
-		-- My Shoe
-%
-Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
-		-- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
-alive.
-		-- John Sloan
-%
-Sink or Swim with Teddy!
-%
-Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
-%
-Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
-		-- CP30
-%
-[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
-I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
-Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
-loneliness and despair!  Send some company for Your sake!"
-
-God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
-the days of your life.  Never complains.  Looks up to you in every way.
-It'll cost you though".
-
-"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
-the birds of the air palls after a while.  What's the price?"
-
-"An arm and a leg", said God.
-
-Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed.  "So, what can I get
-for a rib?"
-%
-Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
-objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill
-gives us modern art.
-		-- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
-	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
-	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
-	should have gotten.
-%
-skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
-h;asvgy8p	23r1vyui135	2
-kmxsij90TYDFS$$b	jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j	nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
-		[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
-				sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
-
-
-Now look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!
-%
-Slang is language that takes off its coat,
-spits on its hands, and goes to work.
-%
-Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
-a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
-songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
-those without might see and hear.  They told a tale which was then altogether
-beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
-breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
-anguish.  Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
-for deliverance from chains.
-		-- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
-%
-Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
-	1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
-	2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
-	3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
-	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
-	    attracted to dark objects.
-%
-Slous' Contention:
-	If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
-%
-Slow day.
-Practice crawling.
-%
-SLURM:
-	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
-	sits in the dish too long.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
-%
-Small is beautiful.
-		-- Schumacher's Dictum
-%
-Small things make base men proud.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my
-teacher was in my class for five years.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-Smear the road with a runner!!
-%
-Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
-%
-Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
-%
-Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
-	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
-	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
-	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
-	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be
-	filed 30 days in advance.
-%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-		-- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
-%
-Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
-		-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
-%
-SNACKTREK:
-	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
-	returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
-	have materialized.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?
-%
-SNAPPY REPARTEE:
-	What you'd say if you had another chance.
-%
-Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
-%
-Snow and adolescence are the only problems
-that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
-%
-Snow Day -- stay home.
-%
-Snow White has become a camera buff.  She spends hours and hours
-shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics.  Then she
-mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service.  It takes weeks
-for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
-with Snow White.  She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
-the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
-%
-So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
-go to work?
-%
-So do the noble fall.  For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
-A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality.  Against the greater force
-they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
-of obligations.  And when the noble fall, the base remain.  The base -- whose
-only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect.  Whose only
-purpose is to destroy.  The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
-strength.  For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
-Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
-		-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
-%
-So far as I can remember, there is not one
-word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
-as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
-way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
-		-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
-%
-So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
-of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
-friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
-could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
-use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
-for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
-the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
-extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
-		-- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
-%
-So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
-%
-So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
-		-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
-%
-So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
-large as it needs to be?
-%
-So little time, so little to do.
-		-- Oscar Levant
-%
-So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
-to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
-%
-So many beautiful women and so little time.
-		-- John Barrymore
-%
-So many men and so little time.
-%
-So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-So many women, and so little time!
-%
-So many women, so little nerve.
-%
-So much food, and so little time!
-%
-So much
-depends
-upon
-a red
-
-wheel
-barrow
-glazed with
-
-rain
-water
-beside
-the white
-chickens.
-		-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
-%
-So now
-that you have-
-
-you know, whoever
-
-you're trying
-to do
-
-a favor
-for
-
--you've done it-
-
-and I'm sure
-you had
-
-a smirk
-on your mouth
-
-as you got me
-into this.
-	-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
-	   composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
-	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
-and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
-into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very imprudently
-married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
-Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
-fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
-out at the heels of their boots.
-		-- Samuel Foote
-%
-So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
-and yet it is not; it is but so so.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-So... so you think you can tell
-Heaven from Hell?
-Blue skies from pain?			Did they get you to trade
-Can you tell a green field		Your heroes for ghosts?
-From a cold steel rail?			Hot ashes for trees?
-A smile from a veil?			Hot air for a cool breeze?
-Do you think you can tell?		Cold comfort for change?
-					Did you exchange
-					A walk on part in a war
-					For the lead role in a cage?
-		-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
-%
-So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their procedure is
-to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
-waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
-bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries.  Once the
-sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless.  The general shark attitude
-seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary."  So the divers have to somehow
-goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know
-very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
-say, in a deeply scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this
-Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind
-of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
-development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-So this it it.  We're going to die.
-%
-So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
-And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
-%
-So, you better watch out!
-You better not cry!
-You better not pout!
-I'm telling you why,
-Santa Claus is coming, to town.
-
-He knows when you've been sleeping,
-He know when you're awake.
-He knows if you've been bad or good,
-He has ties with the CIA.
-So...
-%
-"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
-	want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
-"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
-"Friday, then?"
-"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
-		-- Dating in Minnesota
-%
-So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
-all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
-tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
-recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
-the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
-and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
-eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep...
-%
-So you think that money is the root of all evil.
-Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
-		-- Ayn Rand
-%
-So you're back... about time...
-%
-Soap and education are not as sudden as a
-massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-SOCIALISM:
-	You have two cows.  Give one to your neighbour.
-COMMUNISM:
-	You have two cows.
-	Give both to the government.  The government gives you milk.
-CAPITALISM:
-	You sell one cow and buy a bull.
-FASCISM:
-	You have two cows.  Give milk to the government.
-	The government sells it.
-NAZISM:
-	The government shoots you and takes the cows.
-NEW DEALISM:
-	The government shoots one cow,
-	milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
-ANARCHISM:
-	Keep the cows.  Steal another one.  Shoot the government.
-CONSERVATISM:
-	Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.
-%
-Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
-like a staff function."
-		-- Paul Licker
-%
-Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
-"user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
-the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
-		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
-%
-Soldiers who wish to be a hero
-Are practically zero,
-But those who wish to be civilians,
-They run into the millions.
-%
-Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
-		-- Kayvan Sylvan
-%
-Solutions are obvious if one only has the
-optical power to observe them over the horizon.
-		-- K.A. Arsdall
-%
-Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
-and some few to be chewed and digested.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
-%
-Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
-Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
-%
-Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
-as when you find a trout in the milk.
-		-- Thoreau
-%
-Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
-%
-Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
-%
-Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-		-- Ed Howe
-%
-Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
-places!
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
-and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-Some men are discovered; others are found out.
-%
-Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
-about sex at all... they become lawyers.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
-that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
-%
-Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
-		-- Maureen Murphy
-%
-Some men feel that the only thing they owe
-the woman who marries them is a grudge.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
-lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
-		-- Woodie Guthrie
-%
-Some men who fear that they are playing
-second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
-%
-Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
-The answer is: I don't know.
-Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
-%
-Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
-old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
-I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
-13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
-the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
-Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
-Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
-an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
-"lekare".
-	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
-	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
-	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
-	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
-	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
-	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
-	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
-	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
-	he received, shame and wounds."
-%
-Some of the things that live the longest
-in peoples' memories never really happened.
-%
-Some of them want to use you,
-Some of them want to be used by you,
-...Everybody's looking for something.
-		-- Eurythmics
-%
-Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-Some parts of the past must be preserved,
-and some of the future prevented at all costs.
-%
-Some people are afraid of heights.  I'm afraid of widths.
-	-- Stephen Wright
-%
-Some people around here wouldn't recognize
-subtlety if it hit them on the head.
-%
-Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
-transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
-two-dimensional ones.
-		-- F. Frederick Skitty
-%
-Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
-%
-Some people cause happiness wherever
-they go; others, whenever they go.
-%
-Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
-but at least you only have to climb it once.
-%
-Some people have a great ambition: to build something
-that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
-%
-Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
-only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
-%
-Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
-%
-Some people have parts that are so private
-they themselves have no knowledge of them.
-%
-Some people live life in the fast lane.
-You're in oncoming traffic.
-%
-Some people manage by the book, even though they
-don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
-%
-Some people need a good imaginary cure
-for their painful imaginary ailment.
-%
-Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
-%
-Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
-%
-Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a
-rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
-They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
-%
-Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
-%
-Some say the world will end in fire,
-Some say in ice.
-From what I've tasted of desire
-I hold with those who favor fire.
-But if it had to perish twice
-I think I know enough of hate
-To say that for destruction, ice
-Is also great
-And would suffice
-		-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
-%
-Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
-		-- Folk saying
-%
-Some things have to be believed to be seen.
-%
-Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
-so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
-%
-Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
-Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
-Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
-When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
-
-Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
-Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
-Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
-That don't smell very nice --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
-
-Oh you who love your pussy,
-Be sure to keep him in.
-Don't let him argue with a truck,	If he tries to play
-The truck is bound to win.		On the road way
-And upon the busy road,			I'm afraid that will be that,
-Don't let him play or frolic.		There will be one last despairing
-If you do, I'm warning you,			"Meow!"
-It could be cat-astrophic!		And a sort of squelchy Splat!
-					And your pussy will be slightly dead,
-He's nobody's moggy --			And very, very flat!
-Just red and squashed and soggy --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
-		-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
-%
-Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
-I found a pile of them over in the corner.
-%
-Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
-typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
-%
-Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
-probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
-blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
-		-- Mister Boffo
-%
-Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
-		-- Evan Davis
-%
-Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
-%
-Someday your prints will come.
-		-- Kodak
-%
-Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
-when I was passing through satisfaction.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
-%
-Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
-City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to
-Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Someone is speaking well of you.
-%
-Someone is speaking well of you.
-How unusual!
-%
-Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
-%
-Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
-%
-Someone will try to honk your nose today.
-%
-Something better...
-
- 1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
- 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She's going to blow.
- 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
-	something larger.  Like ... Wyoming.
- 4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
- 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
-	minutes late.
- 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your
-	own ear.
- 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
-	mind putting that thing away.
- 8 (philosophical): You know.  It's not the size of a nose that's important.
-	It's what's in it that matters.
- 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and its goodbye
-	Seattle.
-10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
-11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps
-	changing tempo.
-12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
-		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
-%
-Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-		-- Shakespeare
-%
-Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
-and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
-		-- N.V. Plyter
-%
-Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-		-- Sigmund Freud
-%
-Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
-fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
-		-- Montesquieu
-%
-Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
-smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
-		-- Seneca
-%
-Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
-Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
-Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
-Either light up or leave me alone.
-%
-Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
-the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
-world.
-		-- Robert Stone
-%
-Sometimes I live in the country,
-And sometimes I live in town.
-And sometimes I have a great notion,
-To jump in the river and drown.
-%
-Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
-world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
-%
-Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
-Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
-		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
-%
-Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Sometimes it happens.  People just explode.  Natural causes.
-		-- Repo Man
-%
-Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
-%
-SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
-back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
-me because I am beautiful.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
-%
-Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
-Other times I can hardly see.
-Lately it occurs to me
-What a long strange trip it's been.
-		-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
-%
-Sometimes, too long is too long.
-		-- Joe Crowe
-%
-Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
-like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
-before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
-forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
-to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
-		-- Andy Capp
-%
-Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
-else is driving.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
-%
-Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
-%
-Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
-woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.
-		-- Sam Levenson
-%
-Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-		-- Carl Sagan
-%
-Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
-the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
-make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
-But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
-		-- Sky Masterson's Father
-%
-Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
-(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
-%
-Sorry.  Nice try.
-%
-Sorry never means having you're say to love.
-%
-Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
-big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
-drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
-		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-Space is to place as eternity is to time.
-		-- Joseph Joubert
-%
-Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
-		-- Wheeler
-%
-Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
-Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
-and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
-		-- Captain James T. Kirk
-%
-SPAGMUMPS:
-	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Speak roughly to your little boy,
-	And beat him when he sneezes:
-He only does it to annoy
-	Because he knows it teases.
-
-	Wow! wow! wow!
-
-I speak severely to my boy,
-	And beat him when he sneezes:
-For he can thoroughly enjoy
-	The pepper when he pleases!
-
-	Wow! wow! wow!
-%
-Speak roughly to your little Vax,
-And boot it when it crashes;
-It knows that one cannot relax
-Because the paging thrashes!
-
-I speak severely to my Vax,
-And boot it when it crashes;
-In spite of all my favorite hacks,
-My jobs it always trashes!
-%
-Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
-%
-"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
-ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
-mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
-thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
-moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
-and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
-earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
-water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
-diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
-would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
-leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
-wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
-murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
-into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
-on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
-have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
-seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
-syllable is thine!"
-		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
-%
-Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
-that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
-all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
-Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
-result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
-parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
-types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
-recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
-so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
-%
-Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
-days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
-with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
-who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
-these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
-bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
-communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
-%
-Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
-on sale.  After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
-%
-Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
-Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
-young adventurers.  All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
-students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
-Faculty members especially welcome.
-%
-Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
-motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
-when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
-		-- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
-%
-Spence's Admonition:
-	Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
-%
-Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
-%
-SPINSTER:
-	A bachelor's wife.
-%
-SPIRTLE:
-	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
-	right in your eye.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Spock: The odds of surviving another
-attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
-%
-Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
-%
-SPOUSE:
-	Someone who'll stand by you through all the
-	trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
-%
-Spring is here, spring is here,
-Life is skittles and life is beer.
-%
-SQUATCHO:
-	The button at the top of a baseball cap.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
-%
-St. Patrick was a gentleman
-who through strategy and stealth
-drove all the snakes from Ireland.
-Here's a toasting to his health --
-but not too many toastings
-lest you lose yourself and then
-forget the good St. Patrick
-and see all those snakes again.
-%
-Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
-%
-Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
-%
-Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.  Wheezing his last
-words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
-now in your hands.  But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
-	"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently.  Reaching under
-his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
-	"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
-open them.  Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
-open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if
-after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one."  And
-with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
-	Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
-unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless.  He decided it
-was time to open the first letter.  All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
-So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
-for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
-	But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
-deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
-	All it said was: "Write two letters."
-%
-Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.
-%
-Stamp out philately.
-%
-STANDARDS:
-	The principles we use to reject other people's code.
-%
-Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
-no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
-something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
-		-- Chuang Tzu
-%
-Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
-%
-Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
-they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
-%
-Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
-Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
-science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all
-on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Start the day with a smile.
-After that you can be your nasty old self again.
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
-	   NEVADA				MASSACHUSETTS
-	  LVME 10DR				  OW-A CAH
-LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS	   THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
-
-	   HAWAII				WISCONSIN
-	   L-O HA				 CHEDDAR
-FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND	    EAT CHEESE OR DIE
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
-	ALABAMA					ARIZONA
-	IC1 NOW					120  F
-THE UFO SIGHTING STATE			THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
-
-	CONNECTICUT				MISSISSIPPI
-	 5:36  EXP				  4I4S2PS
-WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES	THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
-
-	TEXAS					FLORIDA
-      1-2-3 HIKE				ZON KED
- PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE			AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
-	MICHIGAN				CALIFORNIA
-       4-GET 74-77				EGO-MN-E-X
-EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD	THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
-
-	NORTH CAROLINA				NEW JERSEY
-	  WL-GOLLY				 ARG GGH
-HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS	   FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
-
-	  KANSAS				WASHINGTON DC
-	  TOTO -2				$10000000 ETC
-THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ	WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
-	  MOVIE STATE
-%
-STATISTICS:
-	A system for expressing your political
-	prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
-%
-Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
-		-- Henry Clay
-%
-Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
-%
-Stay away from flying saucers today.
-%
-Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
-%
-Stay the curse.
-%
-Stay together, drag each other down.
-%
-Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
-There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
-One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
-
-And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
-Though we really did try to make it,
-Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
-
-It used to be so easy living here with you,
-You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
-Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
-
-There'll be good times again for me and you,
-But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
-But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
-
-But it's too late baby...
-It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
-		-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
-%
-Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So
-long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
-hooks into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins,
-its rate is a matter of discretion.
-		-- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
-%
-Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
-%
-Steckel's Rule to Success:
-	Good enough is never good enough.
-%
-Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
-	Everybody should believe in something --
-	I believe I'll have another drink.
-%
-Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
-Embezzlement is another matter.
-%
-Stenderup's Law:
-	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
-%
-Step back, unbelievers!
-Or the rain will never come.
-Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
-You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
-But I swear to you, before this day is out,
-	you folks are gonna see some rain!
-%
-Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
-Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
-so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
-wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
-very little call for those up there.
-		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
-%
-Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
-Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
-%
-Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
-		-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
-%
-Stock's Observation:
-	You no sooner get your head above water
-	but what someone pulls your flippers off.
-%
-Stone's Law:
-	One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
-%
-Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
-And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
-in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
-Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
-way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
-on the credulity of human nature.
-%
-Stop me, before I kill again!
-%
-Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
-%
-Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
-Now, if they'd only take a bath...
-%
-Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
-%
-Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
-%
-Strange things are done to be number one
-In selling the computer			The Druids were entrepreneurs,
-IBM has their strategem			And they built a granite box
-Which steadily grows acuter,		It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
-And Honeywell competes like Hell,	And forecast the equinox
-But the story's missing link		Their price was right, their future
-Is the system old at Stonemenge sold		bright,
-By the firm of Druids, Inc.		The prototype was sold;
-					From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
-					Would ship for Celtic gold.
-The movers came to crate the frame;
-It weighed a million ton!
-The traffic folk thought it a joke	The man spoke true, and thus to you
-(the wagon wheels just spun);		A warning from the ages;
-"They'll nay sell that," the foreman	Your stock will slip if you can't ship
-	spat,				What's in your brochure's pages.
-"Just leave the wild weeds grow;	See if it sells without the bells
-"It's Druid-kind, over-designed,	And strings that ring and quiver;
-"And belly up they'll go."		Druid repute went down the chute
-					Because they couldn't deliver.
-		-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
-%
-STRATEGY:
-	A comprehensive plan of inaction.
-%
-Strategy:
-	A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
-	after those creating it have left the organization.
-%
-Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.
-%
-Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload
-and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn
-the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
-"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and
-implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax
-and have a nice day.
-%
-Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all
-real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
-understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
-		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-Stult's Report:
-	Our problems are mostly behind us.
-	What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
-%
-STUPID:
-	Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
-%
-Stupidity is its own reward.
-%
-Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
-%
-Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
-Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
-%
-Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
-editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
-way before it is understood.
-%
-Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
-the streets after them.
-		-- Bill Vaughn
-%
-Success is a journey, not a destination.
-%
-Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
-%
-Success is in the minds of Fools.
-		-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
-%
-Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
-made of things.
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
-%
-Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
-%
-Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
-%
-Such a fine first dream!
-But they laughed at me; they said
-I had made it up.
-%
-Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
-when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
-%
-Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
-petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
-	-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
-%
-Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-Sudden Death Dating:
-
-Quote, female:
-	Am I worried about taking his last name?  Forget it,
-	at this point I'll take his first name, too.
-%
-Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
-The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
-Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
-The Path there is, but none who travel it.
-		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
-%
-Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
-%
-Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
-%
-Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
-		-- Donald Kaul
-%
-Sum quod eris.
-%
-Sun in the night, everyone is together,
-Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
-		-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
-%
-SUN Microsystems:
-	The Network IS the Load Average.
-%
-SUNSET:
-	Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
-	resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
-	progressively reducing solar elevation.
-%
-Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
-have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
-		-- Martin Luther
-%
-Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
-Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
-	    Quantum Mechanics?
-Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
-Supervisee: Yes.
-		-- Overheard at a supervision.
-%
-Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
-%
-Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
-%
-Support the American Kidney Foundation.
-Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
-%
-Support the Girl Scouts!
-	(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
-%
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
-		  the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
-%
-Support your local church or synagogue.
-Worship at Bank of America.
-%
-Support your right to arm bears!!
-%
-Support your right to bare arms!
-		-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
-%
-Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
-rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more
-efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the
-analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a
-Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
-it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you
-were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
-a pinhead.
-		-- Christopher Evans
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
-But what if he forgets?
-%
-Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
-men in national government too.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are
-dishonest men in national government too.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-"Surely you can't be serious."
-"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
-%
-Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
-%
-Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
-Just type in your name and social security number.
-Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
-
-Name       #
-
-
-%
-Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
-%
-Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
-%
-sushi, n:
-	When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
-	strapped on with electrical tape.
-%
-Sushido, n:
-	The way of the tuna.
-%
-Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare
-%
-Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
-%
-SWEATER:
-	A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
-%
-Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
-		-- Thomas Tusser
-%
-Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
-And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
-%
-Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
-whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
-the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
-I rush!
-		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
-%
-Swipple's Rule of Order:
-	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
-%
-Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
-			unusually pale and clear.
-Problem:		Glass empty.
-Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
-			and the front of your shirt is wet.
-Fault:			Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
-			wrong part of face.
-Action Required:	Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
-			Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
-
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Everything has gone dark.
-Fault:			The Bar is closing.
-Action Required:	Panic.
-
-Symptom:		You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
-			You cannot see the bathroom light.
-Fault:			You have spent the night in the gutter.
-Action Required:	Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
-			treat yourself to a lie-in.
-
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
-Fault:			Glass being held at incorrect angle.
-Action Required:	Turn glass other way up so that open end points
-			toward ceiling.
-
-Symptom:		Feet warm and wet.
-Fault:			Improper bladder control.
-Action Required:	Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain
-			to the owner about its lack of house training and
-			demand a beer as compensation.
-
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Floor blurred.
-Fault:			You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
-Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom:		Floor moving.
-Fault:			You are being carried out.
-Action Required:	Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
-			complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
-
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom:		Floor swaying.
-Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
-			game in progress.
-Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
-
-Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
-			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
-Fault:			You have fallen forward.
-Action Required:	See above.
-
-Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
-			fluorescent light strips.
-Fault:			You have fallen over backward.
-Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
-			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
-			you get up, lash yourself to bar.
-
-		-- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-System checkpoint complete.
-%
-System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
-%
-System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
-%
-System going down in 5 minutes.
-%
-System restarting, wait...
-%
-System/3!  System/3!
-See how it runs! See how it runs!
-	Its monitor loses so totally!
-	It runs all its programs in RPG!
-	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
-System/3!
-%
-SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
-	Works equally poorly on all systems.
-%
-Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
-infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
-		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Systems programmer:
-	A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
-	vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
-	are to receive from your boss.
-%
-Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
-		-- R.S. Barton
-%
-T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
-	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
-	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
-	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-TACKY:
-	Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
-%
-TACT:
-	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
-%
-Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
-		-- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
-		-- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
-an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
-%
-Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
-%
-Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
-he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
-%
-Take an astronaut to launch.
-%
-Take care of the luxuries and the
-necessities will take care of themselves.
-		-- L. Long
-%
-Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
-		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
-%
-Take everything in stride.
-Trample anyone who gets in your way.
-%
-TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
-	Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
-%
-Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
-%
-Take me drunk,
-I'm home again!
-%
-Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
-but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
-		-- Kipling
-%
-Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
-merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
-have given them to you.
-%
-Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
-		-- Ken Kesey
-%
-Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
-Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
-by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Take your Senator to lunch this week.
-%
-Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
-take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
-		-- Booth Tarkington
-%
-Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
-got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
-		-- Rev. Jim
-%
-Talent does what it can.
-Genius does what it must.
-You do what you get paid to do.
-%
-Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
-%
-Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-Talkers are no good doers.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-		-- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
-Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
-		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
-%
-Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
-Tan me hide when I'm dead.
-So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
-It's hanging there on the shed.
-
-All together now...
-	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
-	Tie me kangaroo down.
-	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
-	Tie me kangaroo down.
-%
-Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
-will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
-	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
-	and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull
-	headed.  You are a Communist.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
-	Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
-	find you boorish and headstrong.  Travel, promotion, and romance
-	highlighted, if you live long enough.  Don't take any wooden nickels.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
-	Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
-	because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway.  You will
-	decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
-%
-TAX OFFICE:
-	Den of inequity.
-%
-Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
-tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
-		-- Russell Long
-%
-TAXES:
-	Of life's two certainties,
-	the only one for which you can get an extension.
-%
-Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
-%
-TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
-
-Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
-Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
-of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
-
-"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
-		-- Dave Mills
-%
-Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
-when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
-%
-Teachers have class.
-%
-TEAMWORK:
-	Having someone to blame.
-%
-Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
-%
-Technicality, n.  In an English court a man named Home was tried for
-slander in having accused a neighbor of murder.  His exact words were:
-"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
-head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
-side upon the other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted by
-instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
-not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
-being only an inference.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
-is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
-before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
-this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.  My whole
-being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit, free to
-work without plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program writes
-itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them coming, I
-slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code and the
-difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the program.
-I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my eyes for
-a moment and then log off.
-%
-Technological progress has merely provided us
-with more efficient means for going backwards.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
-%
-Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
-you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
-but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't
-already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
-		-- Erma Bombeck
-%
-telephone, n.:
-	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
-making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-TELEPRESSION:
-	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
-	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
-	burden on the directory assistant.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-Television -- a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
-		-- Ernie Kovacs
-%
-Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
-		-- Robert Carson
-%
-Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
-	-- Alfred Hitchcock
-%
-Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
-each other.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
-		-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
-%
-Television is now so desperately hungry for material
-that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-Television only proves that people will look at anything --
-rather than each other.
-%
-Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
-believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
-to touch to be sure.
-%
-Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
-Is those things arms, or is they legs?
-I marvel at thee, Octopus;
-If I were thou, I'd call me us.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Tell me what to think!!!
-%
-Tell me why the stars do shine,
-Tell me why the ivy twines,
-Tell me why the sky's so blue,
-And I will tell you just why I love you.
-
-	Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
-	Phototropism makes ivy twine,
-	Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
-	Sexual hormones are why I love you.
-%
-Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
-promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
-		-- A. Hope
-%
-Tempt me with a spoon!
-%
-Tempt not a desperate man.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
-%
-Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
-shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
-	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
-entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a seven
-showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
-his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a word.
-Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
-handed the others to Dutsky.
-	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
-%
-Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
-shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
-	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
-entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a
-seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
-of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a
-word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
-and handed the others to Dutsky.
-	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
-%
-Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
-		-- Napoleon I
-%
-Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
-way of telling you to stop writing.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-Terence, this is stupid stuff:
-You eat your victuals fast enough;
-There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
-To see the rate you drink your beer.
-But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
-It gives a chap the belly-ache.
-The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
-It sleeps well the horned head:
-We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
-To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
-Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
-Your friends to death before their time.
-Moping, melancholy mad:
-Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
-school, and then work, work, work till we die.
-		-- C.S. Lewis
-%
-Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
-amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
-the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
-to risk offending God's grandmother.
-		-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
-%
-Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a pagan,
-and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
-his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...]  To him is ascribed the
-sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
-This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
-	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
-	is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
-	is impossible."
-Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
-philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-		-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
-	[Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church.  Ed.]
-%
-Test for paraquat:
-	Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
-	of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes.  Strain out leaves,
-	leaving a brownish-yellow solution.  Add 100 mg each of sodium
-	bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
-	the solution will turn blue-green.
-%
-Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
-%
-TEUTONIC:
-	Not enough gin.
-%
-TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
-century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
-terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
-		-- Gordon Bell
-%
-Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
-of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
-"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
-unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
-the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
-told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
-the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
-"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
-called you from here."
-%
-Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-		-- Wayne Oakes
-%
-Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
-%
-That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
-		-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
-%
-That does not compute.
-%
-That feeling just came over me.
-		-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
-%
-That government is best which governs least.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
-%
-That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
-that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
-in the same way as us.
-		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-That money talks,
-I'll not deny,
-I heard it once,
-It said "Good-bye.
-		-- Richard Armour
-%
-That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
-		-- Moliere
-%
-That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
-sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
-narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
-%
-That that is is that that is not is not.
-%
-That, that is, is.
-That, that is not, is not.
-That, that is, is not that, that is not.
-That, that is not, is not that, that is.
-%
-...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
-the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
-hardware.  This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
-A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
-liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
-REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
-		-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
-%
-That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
-%
-That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
-remarkable.  Amid all the scolding, to be able to think!  But he could not
-write: that was impossible.  Socrates has not left us a single book.
-		-- Heine
-%
-That's always the way when you discover
-something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
-		-- Evelyn E. Smith
-%
-That's life.
-	What's life?
-A magazine.
-	How much does it cost?
-Two-fifty.
-	I only have a dollar.
-That's life.
-%
-That's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone
-who never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that
-thing loves them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
-thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
-		-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
-%
-"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
-omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-That's no moon...
-		-- Obi-wan Kenobi
-%
-That's odd.  That's very odd.
-Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
-%
-That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
-		-- Neil Armstrong
-%
-That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
-		-- Woody Allen, on sex
-%
-That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
-really hate is lousy programmers.
-		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
-%
-That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
-returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
-		-- Bill Veeck
-%
-That's what she said.
-%
-That's where the money was.
-		-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
-
-It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
-		-- Willie Sutton
-%
-The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
-	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
-	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
-"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
-		-- R.B. Greenberg
-%
-The 357.73 Theory --
-	Auditors always reject expense accounts
-	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
-%
-The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
-%
-The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
-Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
-		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
-%
-The Abrams' Principle:
-	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
-%
-The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
-		-- T. Cheatham
-%
-The absent ones are always at fault.
-%
-The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
-		-- A. Camus
-%
-The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
-hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level.  I think it is ignorance that
-makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
-undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre.  For surely
-anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
-		-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
-%
-The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
-does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
-		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
-%
-The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
-he is already degraded.
-		-- George Orwell
-%
-The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
-facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.
-		-- Whitehead.
-%
-The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
-belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
-%
-The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
-For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
-		-- Bart Miller
-%
-The all-softening overpowering knell,
-The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
-		-- Lord Byron
-%
-The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
-fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
-		-- Winston Churchill, 1942
-%
-The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
-to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
-
-Film at 11:00.
-%
-The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
-eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
-		-- Finlay Peter Dunne
-%
-The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
-call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
-opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
-pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
-%
-The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
-in billigrahams.
-%
-The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
-just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
-		-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
-%
-The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
-of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
-Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
-even better, nobody has to play it.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
-	I don't mind... and you don't matter.
-
-		-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
-%
-The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
-		-- E. Costello
-%
-The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
-with which you can threaten your enemies.
-		-- Bonnard
-%
-The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
-sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
-		--Salvador De Madariaga
-%
-The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
-		-- Albertano of Brescia
-%
-The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
-doctors nor lawyers.
-		-- L. Docquier
-%
-The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
-session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
-advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of
-publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
-giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
-we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of
-book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the
-field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
-ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
-very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
-lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for
-courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
-[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
-arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
-time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
-for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
-then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
-	Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
-		And dare not stray to ideas new,
-	For if t'were tried they might e'en work
-		And for a living what woulds't we do?
-%
-The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
-
-	Four day work week,
-	Two ply toilet paper!
-%
-The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
-released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
-Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
-%
-The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
-and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
-All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
-"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
-their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
-Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
-the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
-logs to multiply."
-%
-The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
-never be plumbed and why it will go on forever.  All weapons are defensive
-and all spare parts are non-lethal.  The plainest print cannot be read
-through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
-		-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
-%
-The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
-Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
-and color, but also on ability.
-		-- T. Lehrer
-%
-The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
-		-- Bill Murray
-%
-The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
-effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
-Declaration not for that, but for future use.
-		--  Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
-Jupiter can have no satellites:
-
-	There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
-eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
-unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
-From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
-metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
-of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
-	Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
-therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
-and therefore do not exist.
-%
-The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
-%
-The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
-knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
-		-- Ladies' Home Journal
-%
-The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
-the morning feeling just terrible.
-		-- Jean Kerr
-%
-The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
-%
-The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
-a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
-%
-The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
-%
-The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
-one graveyard to another.
-		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
-%
-The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
-disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
-feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
-their father.
-		-- Mencken
-%
-The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
-into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
-		-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
-%
-The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
-carries any reward.
-		-- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn,
-Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn,
-And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone,
-	It's just, just one of those, one of those days,
-	Just one of those, one of those days
-		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
-%
-The bank sent our statement this morning,
-The red ink was a sight of great awe!
-Their figures and mine might have balanced,
-But my wife was too quick on the draw.
-%
-The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
-Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
-park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
-dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
-difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to
-do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
-I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
-truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
-on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
-accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
-whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
-parking lots.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
-And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
-The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
-And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
-These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-THE BEATLES:
-	Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
-%
-The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
-%
-The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
-		-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
-
-	[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
-	 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
-	 Memory".  Ed.]
-%
-The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
-		-- Maurice Baring
-%
-The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
-but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
-%
-The best case:	   Get salary from America, build a house in England,
-			live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
-Pretty good case:  Get salary from England, build a house in America,
-			live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
-The worst case:    Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
-			live with a British wife, and eat American food.
-
-		--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
-%
-The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-The best defense against logic is ignorance.
-%
-The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
-but doesn't.
-		-- Tom Crichton
-%
-The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
-		-- Scotty
-%
-The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
-However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
-by judging things by their price.
-%
-The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
-what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
-them while they do it.
-		-- Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
-%
-The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
-		-- Blair
-%
-The best man for the job is often a woman.
-%
-The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
-head waiter.
-		-- Nubar Gulbenkian
-%
-The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
-nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
-		-- Wordsworth
-%
-The best prophet of the future is the past.
-%
-The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
-redoubtable John W. Campbell:
-
-	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
-	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
-	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
-	being read by a corpse.
-%
-The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
-fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
-drifting side by side to our common doom.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
-company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
-%
-The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
-%
-The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
-%
-The best things in life are for a fee.
-%
-The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
-%
-The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
-%
-The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
-%
-The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
-%
-The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
-%
-The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
-smoke is a right worth dying for.
-%
-The best ways are the most straightforward ways.  When you're sitting around
-scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
-when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
-way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
-Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
-work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
-		-- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
-%
-The best you get is an even break.
-		-- Franklin Adams
-%
-The better part of valor is discretion.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
-To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
-to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
-It's just that they need more supervision.
-%
-The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
-never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The Bible on letters of reference:
-
-	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
-we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
-No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
-man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
-		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
-%
-The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
-		-- Nora Ephron
-%
-The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
-and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
-women.  Actually, you're just horny.  It doesn't mean you like women any
-more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
-themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate
-this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
-hungry all the time?
-%
-The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
-%
-The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
-		-- Merrick Furst
-%
-The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
-working for someone else.
-%
-The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
-occurred.
-%
-The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
-and the bird is on the wing.
-		-- Omar Khayyam
-%
-The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
-because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
-and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
-Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
-of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
-containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
-put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
-of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
-%
-The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
-%
-The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.
-	-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
-%
-The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
-half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
-pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
-hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
-for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
-during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
-but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
-		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-The boy stood on the burning deck,
-Eating peanuts by the peck.
-His father called him, but he could not go,
-For he loved those peanuts so.
-%
-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
-you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
-%
-The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
-	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
-	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
-	one, and convert to the next higher units.
-%
-The British are coming!  The British are coming!
-%
-The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
-and humiliating reality.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
-digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
-of a mountain or in the petals of a flower.  To think otherwise is to demean
-the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
-		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
-the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
-		-- Kay Bostic
-%
-The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
-Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
-Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
-time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
-Days of Pompeii."
-
-Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
-beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
-Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
-written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:
-
-	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
-	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
-	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
-	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
-	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
-%
-The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
-people, and don't come in clearly enough.
-		-- Bill Maher
-%
-The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
-sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
-time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
-into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
-with Basil.
-		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-The carbonyl is polarized,
-The delta end is plus.
-The nucleophile will thus attack,
-The carbon nucleus.
-Addition makes an alcohol,
-Of types there are but three.
-It makes a bond, to correspond,
-From C to shining C.
-		-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
-%
-The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
-		-- Herbert von Fritzlar
-%
-The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
-%
-The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
-sometimes three.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
-at the steam fitters picnic.
-%
-The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-		-- Eric Sevareid
-%
-The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
-		-- Picasso
-%
-The church is near but the road is icy,
-the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
-		-- Russian Proverb
-%
-The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
-specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
-rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
-%
-The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
-%
-The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
-		-- John Muir
-%
-The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
-the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
-military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
-private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
-and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
-who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
-		-- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
-%
-The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-%
-The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
-job application.
-%
-The closest to perfection a person ever comes
-is when he fills out a job application form.
-		-- Stanley J. Randall
-%
-The clothes have no emperor.
-		-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
-%
-The coast was clear.
-		-- Lope de Vega
-%
-The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
-intellectual nakedness.
-		-- Robert M. Hutchins
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-1:	Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
-	lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
-	embarrassing manner.
-2:	Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
-	be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
-	earthly vale of tears.
-3:	Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
-	which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
-	thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
-	a radiator too.
-4:	Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
-	shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
-	unbelievers.
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-5:	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
-	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
-	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
-	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
-	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
-6:	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
-	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
-	the fury of the engineers on his head.
-7:	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
-	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
-	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
-8:	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
-	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
-	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
-	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-9:	Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
-	commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
-	frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
-10:	Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
-	written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
-	and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
-	thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
-11:	When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
-	unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket.  Better
-	that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
-	experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
-	innocent-seeming device.
-%
-The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
-%
-The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
-entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
-50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
-the 80's.
-		-- Marty Winston
-%
-The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
-central power station is to the electrical industry.
-		-- Peter Drucker
-%
-The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been
-defined several times by examples of what it is not.
-%
-The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
-and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
-language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
-dangerous.
-		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
-%
-The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
-than what we've got!
-%
-The control of the production of wealth
-is the control of human life itself.
-		-- Hilaire Belloc
-%
-The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
-none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
-Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
-Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
-you talked about.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
-%
-The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-%
-The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
-%
-The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
-female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
-rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
-would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
-career.
-		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-The course of true anything never does run smooth.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
-judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
-Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
-ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
-	"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a
-father!"
-%
-The covers of this book are too far apart.
-		-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
-%
-The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-		-- John McNulty
-%
-The Crown is full of it!
-		-- Nate Harris, 1775
-%
-The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
-be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
-propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
-and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ...  In war, then, as in peace,
-assert the freedom of speech and of the press.  Cling to this as the bulwark
-of all our rights and privileges.
-		-- William Ellery Channing
-
-%
-The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
-words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
-		-- Susan Dooley
-%
-The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
-		-- Andy Purshottam
-%
-The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
-a satellite.  Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
-%
-The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
-Every class is unfit to govern.
-		-- Lord Acton
-%
-The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
-plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
-Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
-be permitted...  In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
-agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
-nuclear launch sites...  Under no circumstances will either side reveal
-that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
-years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-		-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
-%
-The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
-and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
-		-- H.D. Thoreau
-%
-The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
-as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
-the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
-dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
-this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
-doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
-%
-The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
-to a tedious book.
-%
-The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
-who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
-Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
-%
-The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
-%
-The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
-%
-The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
-Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
-%
-The degree of civilization in a society
-can be judged by entering its prisons.
-		-- F. Dostoyevski
-%
-The degree of technical confidence is inversely
-proportional to the level of management.
-%
-The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
-people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
-		-- Logan Pearsall Smith
-%
-The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
-successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,
-and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign
-of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the
-second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
-Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
-into a drawer.
-	Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
-young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
-	The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The
-crisis passed.
-	Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured
-manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."
-	He held another press conference, announcing that the division
-would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
-	A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
-blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank
-into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
-	"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
-%
-The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
-		-- Anaxagoras
-%
-The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
-%
-The devil finds work for idle glands.
-%
-The die is cast.
-		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
-%
-The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
-%
-The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
-exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell into
-the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him out again,
-it would be a calamity.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
-miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
-%
-The difference between art and science is that science is what we
-understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.
-		-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
-%
-The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
-thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia
-is thinking that they're conspiring.
-		-- J. Kegler
-%
-The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
-called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
-%
-The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-%
-The difference between legal separation and divorce is
-that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
-%
-The difference between reality and unreality
-is that reality has so little to recommend it.
-		-- Allan Sherman
-%
-The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
-requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
-Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
-rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
-swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
-		-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
-%
-The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see.  When
-you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment.  If you
-swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
-sentimentality.
-		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
-%
-The difference between the right word and the almost right word
-is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The difference between this place and yogurt
-is that yogurt has a live culture.
-%
-The difference between us is not very far,
-cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
-%
-The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
-%
-The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
-the grim hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians
-work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
-		-- Russell Baker
-%
-The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
-%
-The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
-%
-The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
-naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-The distinction between true and false appears to become
-increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
-		-- Arne Tiselius
-%
-The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere in
-the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
-and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
-		-- John Adams
-%
-The door is the key.
-%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off
-this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
-hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
-the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
-it to his master.
-	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
-	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
-%
-The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
-of the woman.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
-%
-The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
-%
-The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
-and owns the worm farm.
-		-- Travis McGee
-%
-The early worm gets the bird.
-%
-The early worm gets the late bird.
-%
-The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
-%
-"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
-teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
-
-"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
-or to weaken it.  I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
-hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
-But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
-valuable possession to him."
-
-"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
-end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
-to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
-have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
-enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
-roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
-would tire of the spectacle eventually."
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
-*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
-		-- Mel Brooks
-%
-The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
-%
-The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
-to do the work of a man.  The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
-Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
-The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
-Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
-first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
-that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
-over the post of robotics correspondent.
-	Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
-had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
-the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
-Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
-wall when the revolution came'.
-%
-The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
-		-- Buckminster Fuller
-%
-The end of labor is to gain leisure.
-%
-The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
-with symposium to follow.
-%
-The ends justify the means.
-		-- after Matthew Prior
-%
-The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
-of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
-of these atoms is talking moonshine.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
-		the first time
-%
-The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
-in full pursuit of the uneatable.
-		-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
-%
-The English have no respect for their language,
-and will not teach their children to speak it.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-The English instinctively admire any man
-who has no talent and is modest about it.
-		-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
-%
-The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
-purges (called verifications in Newspeak).  One of the most severe took
-place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
-before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
-all but insignificant positions.  Any one of the following would often
-result in the loss of one's job:  Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
-relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
-Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
-
-	A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
-	"What kind of family do you come from?"
-	"A rich, Jewish family."
-	"And your wife?"
-	"A German aristocrat."
-	"Have you ever been to the West?"
-	"I spent most of my life in England."
-	"How did you make a living there?"
-	"A friend supported me."
-	"Where did you get the money from?"
-	"He owned a textile factory."
-	"Who was Lenin?"
-	"Never heard of him."
-	"What is your name?"
-	"Karl Marx."
-%
-[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
-practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-	-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
-	   presidential aspirant.
-%
-The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
-for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
-a substitute for intelligence.
-		-- Lyman Bryson
-%
-The eternal feminine draws us upward.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
-		-- Anne Boleyn
-%
-The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
-is the most likely to be correct.
-		-- William of Occam
-%
-The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
-the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
-own capacity. ...  Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
-of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
-of the center.  Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
-what they could do to repay his kindness.  They had noticed that, whereas
-everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
-so on, Chaos had none.  So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
-in him.  Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
-		-- Chuang Tzu
-%
-The eyes of taxes are upon you.
-%
-The eyes of Texas are upon you,
-All the livelong day;
-The eyes of Texas are upon you,
-You cannot get away;
-Do not think you can escape them
-From night 'til early in the morn;
-The eyes of Texas are upon you
-'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
-		-- University of Texas' school song
-%
-The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
-utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
-a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
-		-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
-%
-The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
-in general as no other can.
-	-- Wilhelm Reich
-%
-The fact that it works is immaterial.
-		-- L. Ogborn
-%
-The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
-endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
-compassion.
-		-- Saul Alinsky
-%
-The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
-%
-The farther you go, the less you know.
-		-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
-%
-The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-%
-The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
-outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to
-say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
-so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
-so long as they are Tories.
-		-- Christopher Booker
-%
-The faster I go, the behinder I get.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-The Fastest Defeat In Chess
-	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
-master.
-	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
-Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
-chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
-of their own homes.
-	Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
-	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
-	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
-	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
-	4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
-	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
-either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
-business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit.  Arriving at the
-lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes
-of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
-	"Whaddaya want?"
-	"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
-	"Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch."
-%
-The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
-and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
-suit in the city.  Colleges may be to blame.  English majors are encouraged,
-I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
-dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
-quad.  And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
-and they are squeamish about technology to this very day.  So it is natural
-for them to despise science fiction.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
-%
-The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
-wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
-	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
-you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
-the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play
-center at Notre Dame."
-	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
-times."
-%
-"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
-supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
-anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
-husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
-and become lesbians."
-%
-The Fifth Rule:
-	You have taken yourself too seriously.
-%
-The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
-		-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
-%
-The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
-%
-The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
-the Bible.
-		-- John Quincy Adams
-
-All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
-but for the Book we could not know right from wrong.  All the things desirable
-to man are contained in it.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-
-... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
-life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men.  It is the only
-guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
-		-- Woodrow Wilson
-%
-The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-		-- Abbie Hoffman
-%
-The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
-Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
-death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
-Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
-complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
-breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
-death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play.  Then the rest of the King's
-relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some
-were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A
-few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
-unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
-thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
-grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left in Minas
-Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
-the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
-accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
-of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
-enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-		-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
-%
-The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head.  Understand?
-		-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
-%
-The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
-Understand?
-		-- Joey Glimco
-%
-The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
-by our children.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
-and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
-%
-The first myth of management is that it exists.
-%
-The first requisite for immortality is death.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
-was propounded to me by my father:
-
-	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
-I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
-	"A herring," said my father.
-	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
-	"So hang it there."
-	"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
-	"Paint it."
-	"But a herring isn't wet."
-	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
-	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
-		"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
-	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
-		-- Leo Rosten
-%
-The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-		-- Paul Erlich
-%
-The First Rule of Program Optimization:
-	Don't do it.
-
-The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
-	Don't do it yet.
-		-- Michael Jackson
-%
-The first thing I do in the morning
-is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
-%
-The first version always gets thrown away.
-%
-The five rules of Socialism:
-
-	1. Don't think.
-	2. If you do think, don't speak.
-	3. If you think and speak, don't write.
-	4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
-	5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
-%
-The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
-The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-		-- Alan Coult
-%
-The following statement is not true.
-The previous statement is true.
-%
-The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
-
-	1. You can't push on a string.
-	2. Ain't no free lunches.
-	3. Them as has, gets.
-	4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
-%
-The Force is what holds everything together.
-It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
-It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
-%
-The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
-completely surrounded by people who want some.
-		-- Dwight MacDonald
-%
-The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
-because it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons
-rests on mutual help.
-		-- Laukikanyay.
-%
-The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
-and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
-%
-The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
-received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
-%
-The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
-trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
-%
-The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
-objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
-due to levitation.
-	Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
-if the character does not have fire resistance.
-		-- README file from the NetHack game
-%
-[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
-number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
-%
-The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
-of both parties tactfully interferes.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
-but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
-		-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
-%
-The future is a myth created by insurance
-salesmen and high school counselors.
-%
-The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
-		-- H.G. Wells
-%
-The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)
-%
-The future lies ahead.
-%
-The future not being born, my friend,
-we will abstain from baptizing it.
-		-- George Meredith
-%
-The garden is in mourning;
-The rain falls cool among the flowers.
-Summer shivers quietly
-On its way towards its end.
-
-Golden leaf after leaf
-Falls from the tall acacia.
-Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
-In this dying dream of a garden.
-
-For a long while, yet, in the roses,
-She will linger on, yearning for peace,
-And slowly
-Close her weary eyes.
-		-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
-%
-The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-%
-The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
-people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
-drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
-%
-The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
-%
-The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
-remember her first husband.
-%
-The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
-%
-The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
-		-- Sophia Loren
-%
-The glances over cocktails
-That seemed to be so sweet
-Don't seem quite so amorous
-Over Shredded Wheat
-%
-The goal of Computer Science is to build something
-that will at least last until we've finished building it.
-%
-The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
-The goal of nature is to build better mice.
-%
-The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
-They gave him love and he invented marriage.
-%
-The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
-is your move.
-		-- Frank Crane
-%
-The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
-	He who has the gold makes the rules.
-%
-The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
-to be good.
-		-- John Barrymore
-%
-The good (I am convinced, for one)
-Is but the bad one leaves undone.
-Once your reputation's done
-You can live a life of fun.
-		-- Wilhelm Busch
-%
-The good life was so elusive
-It really got me down
-I had to regain some confidence
-So I got into camouflage
-%
-The good time is approaching,
-The season is at hand.
-When the merry click of the two-base lick
-Will be heard throughout the land.
-The frost still lingers on the earth, and
-Budless are the trees.
-But the merry ring of the voice of spring
-Is borne upon the breeze.
-		-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
-%
-The Gordian Maxim:
-If a string has one end, it has another.
-%
-The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
-to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
-and they can't fire it.
-%
-The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
-Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
-and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
-%
-The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
-Christian Religion
-		-- George Washington
-%
-The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
-with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
-fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition.  The Cabinet sent
-for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice.  He instantly replied,
-"Send Lord Combermere."
-	"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
-Combermere a fool."
-	"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
-		-- G.W.E. Russell
-%
-The goys have proven the following theorem...
-		-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
-		lecture.
-%
-The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
-%
-The grave's a fine and private place,
-but none, I think, do there embrace.
-		-- Andrew Marvell
-%
-The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-		-- Charles de Gaulle
-%
-The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
-	The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
-	his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
-	Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
-	time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
-	Hedgehog Eater.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
-		-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
-With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
-		-- Tea with a Kick (1924)
-
-Whoopie!  Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
-GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
-		-- The Wild Party (1929)
-
-YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
-DIX -- the dashing soldier!
-	DIX -- the bold adventurer!
-		DIX -- the throbbing lover!
-		-- The Wheel of Life (1929)
-
-SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
-SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
-		-- The Night is Young (1934)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
-unimaginable hell.
-		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
-
-NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
-		-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
-
-LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
-SLAUGHTER!
-		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
-
-The family that slays together stays together.
-		-- Bloody Mama (1970)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
-		-- Squirm (1976)
-
-Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
-This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
-		-- The New House on the Left (1977)
-
-WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
-		-- Zombie (1980)
-
-It's not human and it's got an axe.
-		-- The Prey (1981)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
-SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
-... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
-		-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
-
-An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
-		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
-
-WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
-RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
-Alone, only a harmless pet...
-	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
-		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
-
-They're Over-Exposed
-But Not Under-Developed!
-		-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
-		-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
-
-Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
-Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
-		-- Untamed Mistress (1960)
-
-NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
-FIRST TIME...  HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
-		-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
-		-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
-
-The Hand that Rocks the Cradle...   Has no Flesh on It!
-
-		-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
-
-TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
-		-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
-
-They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
-		-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
-of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear
-you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
-		-- Spitfire (1934)
-
-Do Native Women Live With Apes?
-		-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
-
-JUNGLE KISS!!
-	When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
-was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
-she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
-spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
-was a girl in love!
-	SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
-		-- Her Jungle Love (1938)
-
-LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
-		-- Intermezzo (1939)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
-		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
-
-She Sins in Mobile --
-Marries in Houston --
-Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
-Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
-MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
-FIRST -- HARLOW!
-THEN -- MONROE!
-NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
-		-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
-
-*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
-A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
-1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
-		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
-		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
-		   Became Mixed Up Zombies)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
--- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
--- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
--- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
--- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
-	SEE the burning of a virgin!
-	SEE power of witch doctor over women!
-	SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
-		-- Kwaheri (1965)
-
-The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
-		-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
-
-AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
-A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
-	The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
-give you the wim-wams!
-		-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
-SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
-SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
-		-- Sweet and Savage (1983)
-
-What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair!
-		-- Stroker Ace (1983)
-
-It's always better when you come again!
-		-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
-
-You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
-		-- Pieces (1983)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
-on a roaring rampage of revenge!
-		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
-
-WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
-SAUSAGES?
-		-- Meat is Meat (1972)
-
-TODAY the Pond!
-TOMORROW the World!
-		-- Frogs (1972)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
-		-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
-
-CAST OF 3,000!
-4 WRITERS,
-2 DIRECTORS,
-3 CAMERAMEN,
-3 PRODUCERS!
-1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
-24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
-20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
-	BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
-	AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
-THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
-Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
-	HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
-		-- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the
-		   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms!
-		-- Bwana Devil (1952)
-
-OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING!
-Fire Can't Burn Them!  Bullets Can't Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of
-the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
-Earth!  You've Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World!
-	SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
-		-- Robot Monster (1953)
-
-1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
-802 scared bulls!
-		-- The Egyptian (1954)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
-horror on a screaming world!
-		-- The Crawling Eye (1958)
-
-SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
-giant desires!
-		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
-
-Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
-What Should a Movie Do?  Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
-Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
-		-- The Desperate Women (1958)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-They hungered for her treasure!  And died for her pleasure!
-SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
-		-- The Golden Mistress (1954)
-
-See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
-		-- The French Line (1954)
-
-See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
-		-- Hot Blood (1956)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
-Friends...
-		-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
-
-Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
-		-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
-
-A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
-OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
-		-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
-%
-The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
-like prostitutes.
-		-- Stanley Kubrick
-%
-The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
-yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
-feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
-		-- Sigmund Freud
-%
-The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
-At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
-answered themselves.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
-is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
-%
-The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
-		-- Sophocles
-%
-The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
-before him.  To ride their horses and take away their possessions.  To see
-the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
-their wives and daughters to his arms.
-		-- Genghis Khan
-%
-The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
-		-- Polish proverb
-%
-The Greatest Mathematical Error
-	The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
-July 1962 towards Venus.  After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
-give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
-would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
-corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
-scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
-	However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
-plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
-	Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
-the instructions fed into the computer.  "It was human error", a launch
-spokesman said.
-	This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
-%
-The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
-%
-The groundhog is like most other prophets;
-it delivers its message and then disappears.
-%
-The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
-		-- Galbraith
-%
-The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith
-%
-The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
-success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
-%
-The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
-you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
-%
-The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
-deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
-author's name on the title page.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
-%
-The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
-		-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
-%
-The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
-of functions performed by private citizens.
-		-- Alexis de Tocqueville
-%
-The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
-whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
-%
-The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
-		-- Blaise Pascal
-%
-The heart is wiser than the intellect.
-%
-...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
-%
-The heaviest object in the world is the
-body of the woman you have ceased to love.
-		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
-%
-The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
-	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
-%
-"The hell with the prime directive!  Let's kill something!"
-%
-The help people need most urgently is
-help in admitting that they need help.
-%
-The herd instinct among economists
-makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
-%
-The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
-challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
-keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
-itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
-of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems,
-is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
-adventurous youth.
-		-- Benjamin Cardozo
-%
-The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
-		-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
-%
-The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
-three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
-Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
-instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
-eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
-have lunch?".
-		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
-are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus:
-
-Retribution:
-	I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
-Anticipation:
-	I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
-Diplomacy:
-	I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
-	pretext that your brother did it.
-%
-The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
-to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
-she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
-		-- Bill Lawrence
-%
-The horror... the horror!
-%
-The human animal differs from the lesser
-primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
-		-- H. Allen Smith
-%
-The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment
-you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
-		-- Sir George Jessel
-%
-The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
-its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
-%
-The human mind treats a new idea the way the
-body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
-		-- P. Medawar
-%
-The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
-Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
-its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
-us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
-facet that it can bite your head off.  This causes us humans to feel a
-certain degree of awe.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.
-		-- David Gerrold
-%
-The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
-that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
-		-- Leo J. Burke
-%
-The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
-if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
-		-- D. Cohen
-%
-The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
-		-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
-%
-The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
-tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
-it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
-	-- Doug Gwyn
-%
-The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
-no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
-		-- Harry V. Wade
-%
-The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
-are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
-understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
-		-- John Maynard Keyes
-%
-The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
-%
-The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
-		-- Quintus Ennius
-%
-The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
-	-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
-	A program is a lot like a nose:
-	Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
-%
-The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-%
-The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
-%
-The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
-golf has.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
-point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
-important thing to people.
-		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
-%
-The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
-a delight to moralists.  That is why they invented hell.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
-the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-		-- Churchill
-%
-The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And
-there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
-pointer and a mark.
-		-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
-%
-The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
-the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
-affecting the most important political institutions. ...  The new
-style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
-manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
-constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
-overturning everything.
-		-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
-%
-The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
-the group divided by the number of people in the group.
-%
-The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East.  They
-treat the Arabs like postmen.
-		-- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
-knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
-Commandments.  Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
-	"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said.  "The
-good news is that I got Him down to ten.  The bad news is that adultery's
-still in."
-%
-"The jig's up, Elman."
-"Which jig?"
-		-- Jeff Elman
-%
-The Junior God now heads the roll
-In the list of heaven's peers;
-He sits in the House of High Control,
-And he regulates the spheres.
-Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
-If, even in gods divine,
-The best and wisest may not be those
-Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
-		-- R.W. Service
-%
-The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
-debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
-revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
-quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
-resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the
-workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
-Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
-to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
-hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
-nation's productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
-goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
-drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
-		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
-		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
-		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
-		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
-%
-The Kennedy Constant:
-	Don't get mad -- get even.
-%
-The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
-		-- L. Zadeh
-%
-The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal
-an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's
-advantage to see the truth.
-		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
-%
-The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
-%
-The kind of danger people most enjoy is
-the kind they can watch from a safe place.
-%
-The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
-
-King:		"How goes the battle plan?"
-Advisor:	"See those little black specks running to the right?"
-K:	"Yes."
-A:	"Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
-	to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
-	the dust clears."
-K:	"And?"
-A:	"If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
-K:	"But what about the
-^#!!$% battle plan?"
-A:	"So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
-%
-The knowledge that makes us cherish
-innocence makes innocence unattainable.
-		-- Irving Howe
-%
-The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is
-the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
-world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher
-dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
-per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
-really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
-drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
-I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
-And now, just look at me."
-%
-The ladies men admire, I've heard,
-Would shudder at a wicked word.
-Their candle gives a single light;
-They'd rather stay at home at night.
-They do not keep awake till three,
-Nor read erotic poetry.
-They never sanction the impure,
-Nor recognize an overture.
-They shrink from powders and from paints...
-So far, I've had no complaints.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
-Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
-%
-The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
-everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
-%
-The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
-for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
-fired.
-%
-The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
-%
-The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-		-- Blaise Pascal
-%
-The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
-hand.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
-processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
-		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
-%
-The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
-		-- Governor Tarkin
-%
-The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
-to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-The Law of Probable Dispersal:
-	That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-%
-The Law of the Letter:
-	The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
-%
-The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
-	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
-%
-The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men
-should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal
-weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
-we own.
-		-- H.G. Wells
-%
-The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
-	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
-most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
-give a public reading of his latest poem.
-	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
-Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
-Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
-	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
-and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
-the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
-turn."
-	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
-Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
-lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
-Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
-on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
-much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
-	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
-exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
-their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
-be better."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Animal Rescue
-	The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
-rescue attempts of all time.  Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
-emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
-lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
-tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
-So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off
-later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Collector
-	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
-was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
-amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
-works of Shakespeare.
-	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
-legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
-remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
-	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
-the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
-French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Defrosting Device
-	The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
-whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
-	"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock.  Somehow my lips
-got stuck fast."
-	While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
-was all right.  "Alra?  Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
-	"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
-muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
-	He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
-constant hot breathing brought freedom.  He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
-Lips".
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
-	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
-Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
-legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
-enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for
-men and women.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Executions
-	History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
-The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were
-made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope
-snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
-and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
-punishment, he was reprieved.
-	The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
-tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
-occasion failed to get the trap door open.
-	In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
-Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated
-to America and lived until 1933.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Police Dogs
-	America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
-schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
-in 1978.  He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
-offend the criminal classes.
-	His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
-and bite them.  I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
-	The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
-stage further.  "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
-raids.  Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
-1967.
-	While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
-patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
-fire.  When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
-him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
-		-- Kin Hubbard
-%
-The less time planning, the more time programming.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
-
-	SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
-Language Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College
-for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
-code with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
-END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
-syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
-the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
-frustrating process of testing and debugging.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
-
-	This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
-Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
-users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
-lithtth.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
-
-	SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
-Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
-SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans.  Forty-
-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
-while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers
-often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
-
-	VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
-industry.  VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
-Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other
-operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY.  Loops are
-accomplished with the FOR SURE construct.  A simple example:
-
-	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
-	IF PIZZA	=LIKE BITCHEN AND
-	GUY		=LIKE TUBULAR AND
-	VALLEY GIRL	=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
-	THEN
-		FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
-			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
-		SURE
-	LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
-	GOTO THE MALL
-
-	VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For
-example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
-message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
-AWESOME!
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
-
-	Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
-DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
-SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
-graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
-it travels across the screen.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
-
-	Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
-unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
-Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.  SARTRE
-programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
-
-	This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
-he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
-best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the language
-generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
-a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
-
-	FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
-refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
-FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO.  Commands
-refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
-VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
-	The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
-financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
-LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
-RIPPLE and HOUSERED.  The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
-who end up using this language.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
-
-	LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
-T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
-intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
-	The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked.  Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
-since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
-	Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
-gentle and nonthreatening language.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to
-syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
-%
-The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
-		-- Plato
-%
-The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
-%
-The lion and the calf shall lie down
-together but the calf won't get much sleep.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
-She loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-The little pieces of my life I give to you,
-with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
-%
-The little town that time forgot,
-Where all the women are strong,
-The men are good-looking,
-And the children above-average.
-		-- Prairie Home Companion
-%
-The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
-door with a basket of kittens.
-	"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
-	"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
-Amused, the pastor said nothing.  Two weeks later he saw the same little
-girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
-	"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
-	"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
-	"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
-	"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
-%
-The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
-for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
-simply making a limiting statement about himself.
-		-- Sidney Harris
-%
-The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The longer the title, the less important the job.
-%
-The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
-		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
-%
-The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
-could grab as much as we could with both of them.
-		-- Major Major's father
-%
-The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
-Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
-%
-The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes
-so many of them.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
-the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
-her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
-Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
-steel through your last meal!'
-		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
-%
-The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
-Are of imagination all compact...
-		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
-%
-The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
-%
-The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
-		-- Kevin Cowherd
-%
-The major advances in civilization are processes
-that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
-		-- A.N. Whitehead
-%
-The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
-bonds will eventually mature.
-%
-The major sin is the sin of being born.
-		-- Samuel Beckett
-%
-The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
-the violin.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
-The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
-consistency.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-The makers may make,
-And the users may use,
-But the fixers must fix
-With but minimal clues.
-%
-The man she had was kind and clean
-And well enough for every day,
-But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
-The one that got away.
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
-%
-The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
-	The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
-Hubert Cecil Booth.  However, he got the idea from a man who almost
-invented it.
-	In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall.  On the bill was an
-American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
-	The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
-After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
--- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
-	"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
-point.  "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor.  "Your machine just moves
-the dust around the room," Booth informed him.  "Suck?  Suck?  Sucking is
-not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out.  Booth proved
-that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
-sucking the back of an armchair.  "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
-The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
-been.
-		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
-%
-The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
-		-- Menander
-%
-The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
-		-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
-%
-The man who runs may fight again.
-		-- Menander
-%
-The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
-Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
-		-- Old Japanese proverb
-%
-The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
-will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The man who understands one woman is
-qualified to understand pretty well everything.
-		-- Yeats
-%
-The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has
-to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
-		-- Will Rogers
-
-The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
-		-- Vice President John Nance Garner
-%
-The Marines:
-	The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
-%
-The Marines:
-	The few, the proud, the not very bright.
-%
-The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
-wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
-		-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
-%
-The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
-while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
-		-- Wilhelm Stekel
-%
-The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
-and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
-master calls a butterfly.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
-husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
-are one, and that one is marxism.
-		-- Heidi Hartmann,
-		"The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
-%
-The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
-%
-The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
-soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
-which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
-%
-The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
-		-- Bulwer
-%
-The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
-%
-The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
-always end up on their ends without any means.
-		-- Saul Alinsky
-%
-The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
-Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
-%
-The meek don't want it.
-%
-The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
-time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
-		-- J.P. Getty
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the Earth.
-(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
-%
-The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
-%
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
-chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-		-- Carl Jung
-%
-[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
-undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
-for impotency.
-		-- W. Churchill
-%
-The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
-	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
-	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
-	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
-The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
-%
-The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
-mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
-being who produces the impressions.
-		-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
-%
-The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
-general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
-any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
-not to be a science.  He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
-Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
-Science.  Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
-predictive power.
-		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
-		   Thinking"
-%
-The Modelski Chain Rule:
-1:	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
-	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
-	Hewlett-Packard.
-2:	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
-	bright-looking individual.
-3:	Procure a large chain.
-4:	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
-	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
-	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
-	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
-%
-"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
-themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become
-of the bicuspids?"
-		-- The Old Man and his Bridge
-%
-The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
-		-- Nicol Williamson
-%
-The moon is made of green cheese.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
-%
-The Moral Majority is neither.
-%
-The more complex the mind, the greater
-the need for the simplicity of play.
-		-- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
-%
-The more control, the more that requires control.
-%
-The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
-the odds that the competition already has the order.
-%
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-%
-The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
-lower the mailing cost.
-		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The more I know men the more I like my horse.
-%
-The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
-		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
-%
-The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-The more laws and order are made prominent,
-the more thieves and robbers there will be.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For
-instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
-contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
-%
-The more the merrier.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-The more they over-think the plumbing
-the easier it is to stop up the drain.
-%
-The more things change, the more they remain the same.
-		-- Alphonse Karr
-%
-The more things change, the more they stay insane.
-%
-The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
-%
-The more we disagree, the more chance
-there is that at least one of us is right.
-%
-The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
-%
-The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
-%
-The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
-First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
-three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
-%
-The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
-%
-The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
-%
-The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
-exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
-rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
-flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
-have the good fortune to find one.
-		-- Carlyle
-%
-The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
-family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number
-of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
-		-- Derek Wills
-%
-The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
-in the palpably not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
-		-- American proverb
-%
-The most dangerous organization in America today is:
-
-	a) The KKK
-	b) The American Nazi Party
-	c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
-%
-The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
-the country is the one on which you resell it.
-		-- J. Brecheux
-%
-The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
-is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
-%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
-thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
-		-- T.H. White
-%
-The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
-%
-The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
-not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
-		-- Alfred De Musset
-%
-The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
-discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
-ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
-it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
-woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
-the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
-bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
-in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
-starts a long, long time before the event.
-		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
-		   from "Congress Eate It Up"
-%
-...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
-freshman English at a Midwestern university.
-		-- Tom Wolfe
-%
-The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
-of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
-%
-The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
-%
-The most important early product on the way
-to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
-%
-The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
-people to approach printed matter with distrust.
-%
-The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
-is that one of them be good at taking orders.
-		-- Linda Festa
-%
-The most important things, each person must do for himself.
-%
-The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
-		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
-%
-The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
-conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
-organization.
-	The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
-organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness."  The
-orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
-know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
-every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
-	But it was not to be.  Given that this was a conference of *New*
-New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
-	A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
-Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
-weekend came when the conference was almost at its end.  On Sunday morning,
-a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
-with its overwhelming whiteness..."  Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
-Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
-white organization would itself constitute a racist act.  The four hundred or
-so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
-or elect any officers.  While recognizing "the need to examine the real
-possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
-lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
-demands were not met.  As *The Nation* article describes the scene:  "To their
-astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
-an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
-radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
-existence.  As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
-and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
-broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
-		-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
-%
-The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
-served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never
-been found.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
-biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
-them were fishermen.
-		-- Arthur Binstead
-%
-The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
-	The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
-Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London.  It contained
-several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
-the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
-to commit adultery.
-	Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
-country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
-the printers L3,000.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
-children for their insurance money.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
-%
-The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
-	Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
-Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
-	Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
-%
-The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
-perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
-seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
-%
-The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
-		-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
-%
-The nearer to the church, the further from God.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
-in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
-occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
-	-- James 'Kibo' Parry
-%
-The net of law is spread so wide,
-No sinner from its sweep may hide.
-Its meshes are so fine and strong,
-They take in every child of wrong.
-O wondrous web of mystery!
-Big fish alone escape from thee!
-		-- James Jeffrey Roche
-%
-The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
-I hope I don't get run over again.
-%
-The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
-doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-%
-THE NEW RIGHT:
-	A javelin team that elects to receive.
-%
-The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
-in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
-
-	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
-	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-
-		-- Matthew 5:37
-%
-The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
-to me is going to have his head knocked off.
-		-- Bill Conrad
-%
-The next thing I say to you will be true.
-The last thing I said was false.
-%
-The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
-		-- Lucille S. Harper
-%
-The nice thing about standards
-is that there are so many of them to choose from.
-		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
-%
-The night passes quickly when you're asleep
-But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
-...
-Breakfast at the Egg House,
-Like the waffle on the griddle,
-I'm burnt around the edges,
-But I'm tender in the middle.
-		-- Adrian Belew
-%
-The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
-rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
-bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
-'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
-		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
-%
-The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
-remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
-		-- D.M. Ritchie
-%
-The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
-proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
-%
-The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
-of the barbecue.
-%
-The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
-increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
-%
-The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
-	-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
-%
-The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post
-is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer
-is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
-		-- Robert Woodhead
-%
-The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
-all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
-answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
-when called upon.
-	However...
-When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
-yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
-%
-The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
-%
-The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
-
-	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
-	Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
-	of Corporate Planning."
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
-
-	Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
-	you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
-	is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
-	unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
-
-	Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy
-	remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
-	some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
-	like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
-	office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
-	god at 8:15 the next morning.
-%
-The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
-is of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been
-more like fourteen.
-		-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
-%
-The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
-New Hampshire-Vermont border.  One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
-they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
-	"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply.  "I don't think I could have
-taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
-%
-THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
-to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
-floor.
-
-"Sorry," he said with a smile.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
-%
-The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
-Let the reader catch his own breath.
-		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
-%
-The older I grow, the more I distrust the
-familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
-%
-The one good thing about repeating your
-mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
-%
-The one L lama, he's a priest
-The two L llama, he's a beast
-And I will bet my silk pyjama
-There isn't any three L lllama.
-		-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
-		his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
-%
-The One Page Principle:
-	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
-	cannot be understood.
-		-- Mark Ardis
-%
-The one sure way to make a lazy man look
-respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
-%
-The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
-		-- Abbey Hoffman
-%
-The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
-		-- Pliny the Elder
-%
-The only constant is change.
-%
-The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
-right turn on a red light.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
-that the car salesman knows he's lying.
-%
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
-%
-The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
-every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only difference in the game of love over the last few
-thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
-		-- The Indianapolis Star
-%
-The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
-respectable.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
-The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
-experience it as such.  Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
-thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid.  Whoever
-could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
-swift.  Thinking of oneself gives little happiness.  If, however, one feels
-much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
-oneself but of one's ideal.  This is far, and only the swift shall reach
-it and are delighted.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
-that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
-beyond this they have not legitimacy.
-		-- Einstein.
-%
-The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
-is your husband.
-%
-The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
-mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
-the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
-like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
-		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
-%
-The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-		-- Louis Jordan
-%
-The only perfect science is hind-sight.
-%
-The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
-%
-The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
-%
-The only possible interpretation of any research
-whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
-%
-The only possible interpretation of any research
-whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
-		-- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-The only problem with being a man of leisure
-is that you can never stop and take a rest.
-%
-The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
-		-- Phaedrus
-%
-The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
-be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
-be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
-you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
-		-- Bill Veeck
-%
-The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
-plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
-other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
-		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
-%
-The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
-%
-The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
-for getting acquainted.
-		-- Heywood Broun
-%
-The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
-		-- C. Schultz
-%
-The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
-of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
-		-- Colette
-%
-The only reward of virtue is virtue.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The only rose without thorns is friendship.
-%
-The only thing better than love is milk.
-%
-The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
-%
-The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
-us nothing.
-		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
-%
-The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
-the first one was useless.
-		-- Nicolas Chamfort
-%
-The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
-It is never any use to oneself.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
-		-- Earl Warren
-
-That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
-the lessons that history has to teach.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-
-We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
-		-- Georg Hegel
-
-HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
-nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened
-this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
-		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-		-- C. Schultz
-%
-The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
-and guilt.
-		-- Elvis Costello
-%
-The only way to amuse some people
-is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
-%
-The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
-drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
-		-- David Gerrold
-%
-The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
-in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
-		-- Jean de la Bruyere
-%
-The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
-until 5 or 6 PM.
-%
-The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
-It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
-%
-The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
-of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-		-- Bohr
-%
-The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
-waiting.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
-and the pessimist knows it.
-		-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
-
-Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
-almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
-possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
-		-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
-%
-The optimum committee has no members.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-The opulence of the front office door varies
-inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
-%
-The orders come down and they march us away.
-There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
-God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
-But it's better than working for Xerox.
-		-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
-%
-The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-The other line moves faster.
-%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
-a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
-with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
-English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.  He took out a
-pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach.  She smiled, nodded her
-head and they went for a ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a
-table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
-dinner.  After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They
-went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
-evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
-a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
-never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
-%
-The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
-%
-The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.
-		-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
-%
-The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
-she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend.  Finally she asked,
-	"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
-	"Gosh, no!" he replied.  "I hate hospitals."
-%
-The past always looks better than it was.
-It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
-		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
-%
-The people sensible enough to give
-good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
-%
-The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
-not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
-waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
-In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
-person you have always wanted to be.
-		-- Nancy Friday
-%
-The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
-		-- Charles Pierce
-%
-The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
-but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
-quality of joy.
-		-- Erica Jong
-%
-The person who can smile when something
-goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
-%
-The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
-%
-The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
-%
-The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
-%
-The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
-%
-The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
-market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
-is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
-		-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
-%
-The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
-when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
-become soft.
-%
-The philosopher's treatment of a question
-is like the treatment of an illness.
-		-- Wittgenstein.
-%
-The Phone Booth Rule:
-	A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
-%
-The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
-Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
-Let others think his heart is big,
-I think it stupid of the Pig.
-%
-The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter swang
-and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
-connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
-fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
-blound by the sun and he dropped it.
-		-- Dizzy Dean
-%
-The plural of spouse is spice.
-%
-The Poems, all three hundred of them,
-may be summed up in one of their phrases:
-"Let our thoughts be correct".
-		-- Confucius
-%
-The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
-	The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
-Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
-verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
-	In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
-work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually
-lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
-	High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
-rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
-the higher emotions.
-		She would me "Honey" call,
-		She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
-		But now alas!  She's left me
-		Falero, lero, loo.
-	Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
-was her prudent choice of footwear.
-		The fives did fit her shoe.
-	In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
-the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the
-Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
-begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
-"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
-worst poet in England."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
-and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
-		-- Celine
-%
-The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
-trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and
-save your sanity for later.
-%
-The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
-addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it is equally
-important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
-expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences.  Only then can
-we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
-true distaste.
-		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
-		   Correct Behavior"
-%
-The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
-To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
-		-- Buckminster Fuller
-%
-The pollution's at that awkward stage.
-Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
-		-- Doug Sneyd
-%
-The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
-		-- Anthony Burgess
-%
-The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
-prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
-or to the people.
-		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
-%
-The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
-	Were each of them once a kiddie.
-A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
-	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
-remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!".  Those
-offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
-		-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
-%
-The prettiest women are almost always the most
-boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-The price of greatness is responsibility.
-%
-The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
-		-- C. Glymour.
-%
-The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
-knowledge of its ugly side.
-		-- James Baldwin
-%
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
-difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
-%
-The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
-instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
-variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
-of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the
-program, should the value of pi change.
-		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
-%
-The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
-represents the secondary theme:
-
-	Law Enforcement Officials
-
-The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
-
-	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
-		-- M. Gallaher
-%
-The probability of someone watching you is directly
-proportional to the stupidity of your action.
-%
-The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
-a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
-		-- Mike Smith
-%
-The problem with any unwritten law is that
-you don't know where to go to erase it.
-		-- Glaser and Way
-%
-The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
-to sleep every few days.
-%
-The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
-time.  My speed is very fast.  Some ministers have had to drop out of my
-government because they could not keep up.
-		-- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
-for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
-requires intent.
-%
-The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
-be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
-		-- Elizabeth Taylor
-%
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-%
-The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
-for incompetence.
-%
-The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
-particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
-with sloppy english.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
-stable business.
-		-- John Steinbeck
-%
-The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
-%
-The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom their
-thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
-	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
-battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests.  Simple, like uncarved
-blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
-	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
-	The answer exists only in the Tao.
-%
-The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
-and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
-horse.
-		-- Jac Goudsmit
-%
-The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
-thoughts about their neighbours.
-		-- F.H. Bradley
-%
-The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
-outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
-since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once tied around its
-victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
-running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit
-raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no
-certainties.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
-%
-The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
-because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
-		-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
-%
-The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
-not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
-engineers.
-%
-"The pyramid is opening!"
-"Which one?"
-"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-%
-The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
-%
-The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
-join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
-attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
-sense of womanly feeling and propriety.  Lady-- ought to get a good
-whipping.  It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
-contain herself.  God created men and women different -- then let them
-remain each in their own position.
-	-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
-	   Queen Victoria
-%
-The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
-whether submarines can swim.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The questions remain the same.
-The answers are eternally variable.
-%
-The Rabbits				The Cow
-Here is a verse about rabbits		The cow is of the bovine ilk;
-That doesn't mention their habits.	One end is moo, the other, milk.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-The race is not always to the swift, nor the
-battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
-		-- Damon Runyon
-%
-The rain it raineth on the just
-And also on the unjust fella:
-But chiefly on the just, because
-The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
-		-- Lord Bowen
-%
-The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
-%
-The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
-measurement of the speed of blight.
-%
-The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
-illiterates can read.
-		-- Alberto Moravia
-%
-The real man's Bloody Mary:
-	Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
-	sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
-
-	Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
-	Throw all the other ingredients away.
-%
-The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
-%
-The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
-		-- Christopher Morley
-%
-The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
-a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
-%
-The real reason psychology is hard is that
-psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
-%
-The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
-%
-The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
-%
-The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
-		-- Don Rose
-%
-The reason that every major university maintains a department of
-mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
-people.
-%
-The reason they're called wisdom teeth
-is that the experience makes you wise.
-%
-The reason why worry kills more people
-than work is that more people worry than work.
-%
-The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
-persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress
-depends on the unreasonable man.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
-financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
-a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
-industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
-nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
-		-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
-%
-The relative importance of files depends on their cost
-in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
-		-- T.A. Dolotta
-%
-The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
-of a Dodge Dart.
-		-- Lisa Alther
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
-	The hen, pleased with that,
-	Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The reverse side also has a reverse side.
-		-- Japanese proverb
-%
-The revolution will not be televised.
-%
-The reward for working hard is more hard work.
-%
-The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-		-- Emerson
-%
-The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
-The haves get more, the have-nots die.
-%
-The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
-This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
-%
-The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
-taken seriously.
-	-- Hubert Humphrey
-%
-The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-		-- Justice Douglas
-%
-The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
-for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
-infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
-upon the successful management of which so much remains.
-		-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
-%
-The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
-House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
-you have and what rights you have not got.
-		-- J. Parnell Thomas
-%
-The ripest fruit falls first.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-The road to Hades is easy to travel.
-		-- Bion
-%
-The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
-		-- J. Gooding
-%
-The road to ruin is always in good repair,
-and the travellers pay the expense of it.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-The Roman Rule
-	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
-	one who is doing it.
-%
-The root of all superstition is that men
-observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
-%
-The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
-his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
-one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
-take it too seriously.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
-give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
-		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
-%
-The rules:
-
-1:  Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
-2:  Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
-	the console keyboard.
-3:  Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
-	card decks together.
-4:  Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
-	especially if you're already married.
-5:  Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
-	a stool to reach another disk pack.
-6:  Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
-	shift.
-7:  Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
-	files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
-8:  Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
-9:  Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
-10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
-%
-The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
-That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
-award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
-gesture by the individual to himself.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
-%
-The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
-%
-The savior becomes the victim.
-%
-The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
-
-Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
- Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
-
-Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
-%
-The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
-showed that all had these things in common:
-
-	1) They all had moderate appetites.
-	2) They all came from middle class homes.
-	3) All but two of them were dead.
-%
-The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
-a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
-of civilization.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-The second best policy is dishonesty.
-%
-The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
-	If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
-		-- Jim Warner
-%
-The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
-%
-The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
-%
-The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
-you've got it made.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux
-%
-The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
-there is no humor in Heaven.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
-beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!
-		-- Harry Skelton
-%
-The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
-reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
-Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
-of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
-him are dead, he is alive.
-	Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
-everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
-host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
-equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
-	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
-	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
-		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
-%
-The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
-and sixth years.
-%
-The sheep died in the wool.
-%
-The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
-%
-The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-		-- Noelie Altito
-%
-The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
-		-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
-%
-The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
-voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
-		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
-%
-The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
-		-- [just say that five times...]
-%
-The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
-		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
-%
-The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
-And surly Winter grimly flies.
-Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
-And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
-Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
-The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
-All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
-And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
-
-The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
-The yellow Autumn presses near;
-Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
-Till smiling Spring again appear.
-Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
-Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
-But never ranging, still unchanging,
-I adore my bonnie Bell.
-		-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
-%
-The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
-"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
-while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
-one can see only a very few things at once.
-		-- Fred Brooks
-%
-The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
-rationalizations of the victors.  History is written by the survivors.
-		-- Max Lerner
-%
-The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
-tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
-have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
-its theories will hold water.
-%
-The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
-He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
-The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
-And slowly she let him inside.
-
-He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
-But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
-And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
-And now will you tell me why?"
-		-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
-%
-The solution of problems is the most characteristic
-and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
-		-- William James
-%
-The solution of this problem is trivial
-and is left as an exercise for the reader.
-%
-The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-		-- Peer
-%
-The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
-his rather old and crusty parish.  As is usual in these cases, a locum was
-sent to cover the transition period.  This particular man was young and
-active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
-exciting.  As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
-dull and tradition-bound church.  He decided to do something about it.
-	For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
-vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit.  The congregation
-was horrified!  He changed the order of the service.  The congregation was
-horrified!  Then came the children's lesson.
-	For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
-The congregation was mortified!  He sat there swinging his legs against
-the table as the children gathered around him.
-	He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
-	There was total silence.
-	He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
-	Total silence.
-	Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
-sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
-%
-The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
-		-- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
-%
-The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
-	-- Ed Bluestone
-%
-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-%
-The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
-%
-The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
-In town a noun might wear a gown,
-or further down, might dress a clown.
-A noun that's sound would never clown,
-but unsound nouns jump up and down.
-The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
-and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
-But please don't let that get you down,
-the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
-		-- A. Nonnie Mouse
-%
-The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
-themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
-against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
-Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
-		-- Dennis Miller
-%
-The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
-%
-The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the
-philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
-is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
-reality.
-		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
-The star of riches is shining upon you.
-%
-The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
-written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
-follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
-of paper in any other parts of the Universe.  This single statement took
-the scientific world by storm.  So many mathematical conferences got held
-in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
-died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
-back by years.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
-		-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
-%
-The steady state of disks is full.
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-The story of the butterfly:
-	"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend.  I was in love,
-a long time ago.  I waited three days.  I was hungry but could not go
-out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her.  Then, on
-the third day, I heard a knock."
-	"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
-there was nothing."
-	"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
-		-- Peter Carey, BLISS
-%
-The story you are about to hear is true.
-Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
-%
-The street preacher looked so baffled
-When I asked him why he dressed
-With forty pounds of headlines
-Stapled to his chest.
-But he cursed me when I proved to him
-I said, "Not even you can hide.
-You see, you're just like me.
-I hope you're satisfied."
-		-- Bob Dylan
-%
-The streets were dark with something more than night.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
-%
-The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
-%
-The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.  He
-can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
-existence recurring eternally.  The second characteristic of such a man is
-that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
-that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
-He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
-by the values he wills.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
-yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
-		-- The Silver Surfer
-%
-The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
-The population is, of course, growing.
-%
-The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
-		-- RKO
-%
-The sun was shining on the sea,
-Shining with all his might:
-He did his very best to make
-The billows smooth and bright --
-And this was very odd, because it was
-The middle of the night.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
-		-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
-%
-The superfluous is very necessary.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-The superior man understands what is right;
-the inferior man understands what will sell.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
-way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
-whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to the other
-side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
-Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
-speak of the room.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
-%
-The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
-%
-The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
-esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-The surest way to remain a winner is to
-win once, and then not play any more.
-%
-The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
-Scratch a lover and find a foe!
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
-%
-The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
-%
-The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
-%
-The Tao doesn't take sides;
-it gives birth to both wins and losses.
-The Guru doesn't take sides;
-she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
-
-The Tao is like a stack:
-the data changes but not the structure.
-the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
-the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
-
-Hold on to the root.
-%
-The Tao is like a glob pattern:
-used but never used up.
-It is like the extern void:
-filled with infinite possibilities.
-
-It is masked but always present.
-I don't know who built to it.
-It came before the first kernel.
-%
-The tao that can be tar(1)ed
-is not the entire Tao.
-The path that can be specified
-is not the Full Path.
-
-We declare the names
-of all variables and functions.
-Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
-
-Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
-Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
-
-Yet magic and hierarchy
-arise from the same source,
-and this source has a null pointer.
-
-Reference the NULL within NULL,
-it is the gateway to all wizardry.
-%
-The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
-them a drink.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
-%
-The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
-data.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
-shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
-as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
-radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
-as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.  The light we
-receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
-Sun, so we can ignore that.  With these data we can compute the temperature
-of Heaven.  The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
-the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
-i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using
-the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
-temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact
-temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
-temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
-Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
-part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten
-brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
-or 444.6C  (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have,
-then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-		-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
-%
-The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
-culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
-%
-The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
-	1:  Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
-	    capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
-	    most untechnician-like manner.
-
-	7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
-	    fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
-	    her in other ways.
-%
-The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
-of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process
-as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The
-employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible
-temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
-		-- Kenny's Korner
-%
-The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
-ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
-%
-The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-		-- Aldo Leopold
-%
-The thing that takes up the least amount of time
-and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
-%
-The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
-%
-The Third Law of Photography:
-	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
-	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
-	the dark leaks out.
-%
-The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
-want the job.
-		-- Ronald Reagan in 1973
-
-Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
-would have lost.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-
-Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-
-Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
-I need a lot of sleep.
-		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-
-You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
-accurately it's called mudslinging.
-		-- Walter Mondale
-%
-The Thought Police are here.  They've come
-To put you under cardiac arrest.
-And as they drag you through the door
-They tell you that you've failed the test.
-		-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
-%
-The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
-%
-The three biggest software lies:
-
-	1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
-	2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
-		will fix the microcode.
-	3: Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
-%
-The three laws of thermodynamics:
-	(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
-	(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
-	(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
-%
-THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
-
-1) Where's the bathroom?
-2) What time does the parade start?
-3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
-%
-The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
-2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-The three rules of international air travel:
-
-(1)	Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
-	to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
-(2)	Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
-	know *exactly* what you're doing.
-(3)	Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
-%
-The thrill is here, but it won't last long
-You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
-%
-The time for action is past!
-Now is the time for senseless bickering.
-%
-The time is right to make new friends.
-%
-The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
-committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
-		-- C.N. Parkinson
-%
-The time was the 19th of May, 1780.  The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
-The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
-Judgement Day.  For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
-mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
-men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
-The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session.  And, as some of
-the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
-Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet.  He silenced
-them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
-it is not.  If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment.  If it is, I
-choose to be found doing my duty.  I wish therefore that candles may be
-brought."
-		-- Alistair Cooke
-%
-The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
-		-- Hosea Ballou
-%
-The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
-%
-The tree of research must from time to time
-be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
-		-- Alan Kay
-%
-The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
-but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
-		-- Little Big Man
-%
-The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
-%
-The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
-%
-The trouble with being punctual is that people
-think you have nothing more important to do.
-%
-The trouble with computers is that they do
-what you tell them, not what you want.
-		-- D. Cohen
-%
-The trouble with doing something right the first
-time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
-%
-The trouble with eating Italian food is that
-five or six days later you're hungry again.
-		-- George Miller
-%
-The trouble with heart disease is that the first
-symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
-		-- Michael Phelps
-%
-The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
-		-- George S. Kaufman
-%
-The trouble with money is it costs too much!
-%
-The trouble with opportunity is that it
-always comes disguised as hard work.
-		-- Herbert V. Prochnow
-%
-The trouble with some women is that they get
-all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-		-- Cher
-%
-The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
-the other fellow of a dull one.
-		-- Sid Caesar
-%
-The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
-who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
-all of the people all of the time.
-		-- Franklin Adams
-%
-The trouble with you
-Is the trouble with me.
-Got two good eyes
-But we still don't see.
-		-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
-%
-The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
-height but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make
-people stumble than to be walked upon.
-		-- Franz Kafka
-%
-The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
-		-- Andre Malraux
-%
-The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
-And vice versa.
-%
-The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
-		-- Stanley Kubrick
-%
-The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
-		-- Caltech
-%
-The truth you speak has no past and no future.
-It is, and that's all it needs to be.
-%
-The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
-Which practically conceal its sex.
-I think it clever of the turtle
-In such a fix to be so fertile.
-		-- O. Nash
-%
-The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-%
-The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that
-two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
-by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
-		-- I.F. Stone
-%
-The two things that can get you into trouble
-quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
-%
-The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
-annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
-And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
-There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
-So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
-Eh?
-So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
-And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
-They may be cold, but that's okay!  Beer's better that way!
-Eh?
-		-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
-Beauty!
-%
-The ultimate game show will be the one
-where somebody gets killed at the end.
-		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
-%
-The unfacts, did we have them, are too
-imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
-%
-The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
-%
-The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
-%
-The universe is an island,
-surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
-%
-The universe is laughing behind your back.
-%
-The Universe is populated by stable things.
-		-- Richard Dawkins
-%
-The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
-It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
-		-- Sagan
-%
-The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
-Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is
-said to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of
-his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
-%
-The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
-and deviation standard.
-%
-The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
-hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
-%
-The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
-that I assume it must be evil.
-		-- Heywood Broun
-%
-The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
-religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
-from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
-yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
-world put together.
-		-- Sir Peter Medawar
-%
-The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
-is a symptom of professional immaturity.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
-regarded as a criminal offence.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
-its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
-%
-The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of
-altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
-views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
-facts that needs altering.
-		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
-%
-The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
-	In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
-surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow.  To investigate its internal
-gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
-expression and struck a match.  The jet of flame set fire first to some
-bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
-The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
-the magistrates.  The cow escaped with shock.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
-to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
-		-- John Wayne
-%
-The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
-		-- Jerry Brown
-%
-The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
-restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
-dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress.  She
-sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
-then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
-A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
-to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
-%
-The wages of sin are unreported.
-%
-The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
-Constitution.
-%
-The warning message we sent the Russians was a
-calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
-		-- Alexander Haig
-%
-The water was not fit to drink.
-To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
-By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
-		-- W. Churchill
-%
-The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
-incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
-		-- Emo Philips
-%
-The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
-		-- Nathaniel Howe
-%
-The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
-%
-The way to a man's heart is through his
-wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
-		-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
-%
-The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
-%
-The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
-%
-The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.
-%
-The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-%
-The way to make a small fortune in the
-commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
-%
-The weather is here.  Wish you were beautiful.
-%
-The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
-My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
-My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
-Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
-I feel together today!
-		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
-%
-The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
-%
-The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
-but the leaves are good to smoke!
-		-- The Shadow
-%
-The white race is the cancer of history.
-		-- Susan Sontag
-%
-The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-		-- Wavy Gravy
-%
-The whole of life is futile unless you
-consider it as a sporting proposition.
-%
-The whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively.
-		-- Peter Beard
-%
-The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
-		-- George Gobel
-%
-The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-		-- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
-not the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he
-should.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-The wise man seeks everything in himself;
-the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
-%
-The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
-%
-The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
-medical report she had just received.  When her husband came in from work,
-she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
-live.  So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
-throughout the night.  How does that sound, dearest?"
-	"Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband.  "You don't have
-to get up in the morning!"
-%
-The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
-is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
-%
-The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
-we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
-and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
-of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
-We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
-ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
-		-- Paul Licker
-%
-The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
-designed for people who walk on their hands.
-		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
-%
-The world is a comedy to those who think,
-and a tragedy to those who feel.
-		-- Horace Walpole
-%
-The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
-%
-The world is coming to an end!
-Repent and return those library books!
-%
-The world is full of people who have never, since
-childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
-		-- E.B. White
-%
-The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
-it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
-		-- E. Hubbard
-%
-The world is not octal despite DEC.
-%
-The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
-It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
-You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
-%
-The world really isn't any worse.
-It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
-%
-The world wants to be deceived.
-		-- Sebastian Brant
-%
-The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
-%
-The world's as ugly as sin,
-And almost as delightful
-		-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
-%
-The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
-nor its great scholars great men.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The Worst American Poet
-	Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
-Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
-	Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
-of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
-pen.
-	Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
-formula was the same:
-		Have you heard of the dreadful fate
-		Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
-		Of their death I will relate,
-		And also others lost their life
-		(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
-		Where so many people died.
-	Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
-the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
-river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than
-a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
-	Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
-suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was
-forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
-beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
-
-During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
-emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
-elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
-up a tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
-duty.  So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
-Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
-and killed it.
-	-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
-
-In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
-Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They
-had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
-sheepishly left the building.
-A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
-robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
-5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
-was a practical joke.
-Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
-clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
-trapped in the revolving doors again.
-%
-The Worst Car Hire Service
-	When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
-as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
-shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
-	He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
-conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
-	To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
-he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving
-round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do.
-	"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
-admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'.  If they bring a car back late we
-overlook it.  If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
-we might overlook that too."
-	"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
-into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
-ash tray."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
-
-This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
-expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead,
-in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
-	-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst is enemy of the bad.
-%
-The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
-		-- King Lear
-%
-The Worst Jury
-	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
-one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
-remotest clue what was happening.
-	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
-evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
-	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
-juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French
-speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
-was hearing a murder trial.
-	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
-from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
-and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
-	The judge ordered a retrial.
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Worst Lines of Verse
-For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
-	"Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
-Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
-these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
-laughter the instant they were read out.
-	No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
-inspired by the subject of war.
-	"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
-	And the grey roof reddened and rang;
-	Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
-	The tip of my ear.  Flash! bang!"
-By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
-	"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
-While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
-	"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
-	The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
-George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
-	"And I was ask'd and authorized to go
-	To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
-William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
-	"So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
-	While in this world, are liable to leak."
-And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
-describing a pond:
-	"I've measured it from side to side;
-	Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Worst Musical Trio
-	There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
-a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
-instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
-gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
-violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
-unhampered by great musical talent.
-	Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
-concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
-A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although
-Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
-in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
-	"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
-"and it will be a sell out."
-	Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited
-audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
-asked for someone to turn his pages.
-	In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
-volunteered and made his way to the stage.
-	The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
-music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
-Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
-the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
-But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst part of having success is trying
-to find someone who is happy for you.
-		-- Bette Midler
-%
-The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
-%
-The Worst Prison Guards
-	The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
-maximum security prison is 124.  This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
-near Lisbon in Portugal.
-	During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
-warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
-included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
-of electric cable had disappeared.  A guard explained, "Yes, we were
-planning to look for them, but never got around to it."  The warders had
-not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
-"covered with posters".  Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
-water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
-The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
-prisoners in his block only 13 were present.  He said this was "normal"
-because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
-the next morning.
-	"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
-one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later.  [...]  When they
-eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
-population was missing.  By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
-Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
-"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
-		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
-but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
-are sober.
-		-- William Butler Yeats
-%
-The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
-wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
-if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
-		-- David Viscott
-%
-The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
-They were just the first not to crash.
-%
-The yankees, son, are up north.
-The damnyankees are down here.
-%
-The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
-four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
-the answers.
-%
-The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
-	"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
-	"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
-%
-The young lady had an unusual list,
-Linked in part to a structural weakness.
-She set no preconditions.
-%
-The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
-found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
-rates were only $70.  The following morning he went down to the hotel's
-golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
-"Sure," said Scotty.  "That'll be $25 apiece."
-	"What?" screamed the bachelor.  "In the hotel across the street
-they only charge $1 a ball!"
-	"Naturally," replied the pro.  "Over there they get you by the
-rooms."
-%
-THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
-%
-Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
-and you'd better not refuse.
-%
-Them as has, gets.
-%
-Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
-incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
-acceptance, and peace.  "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
-		-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
-%
-Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
-I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
-right.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
-%
-Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
-Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,
-when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
-to the "W" on the dial.
-
-Moral:
-	He who has a Tates is lost!
-%
-"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
-"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
-"I'll put `maybe.'"
-		-- Bloom County
-%
-Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
-it.  The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
-Proof:
-	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
-	Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
-%
-Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
-Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
-	Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
-	(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
-
-Proceed by induction:
-	If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
-	So A = B.
-
-Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B with
-	MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence
-	(A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B.
-%
-Theorem: All programs are dull.
-
-Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
-nonempty.  Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
-sets can be well ordered, so do it properly).  The minimal element is
-the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
-the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
-		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-THEORY:
-	System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
-	originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
-	it will look in print.
-%
-Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Theory of Selective Supervision:
-	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
-	the one time the boss walks through the office.
-%
-There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
-armor.  His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree.  His broad
-shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
-realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
-body.  There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
-sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
-He speaks with a commanding voice:
-
-		"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
-
-As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
-%
-There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
-the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
-		-- Harvey Wheeler
-%
-There are a few things that never go out of style,
-and a feminine woman is one of them.
-		-- Ralston
-%
-There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-There are bad times just around the corner,
-There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
-And it's no good whining
-About a silver lining
-For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
-		-- Noel Coward
-%
-There are few people more often in the wrong
-than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
-%
-There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
-and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
-		-- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
-%
-There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
-excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-There are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's
-the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
-cannot know a woman, the divorce.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
-two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
-inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
-postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
-the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
-sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
-magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
-relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
-and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell
-the other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the
-results.
-%
-There are many intelligent species in
-the universe, and they all own cats.
-%
-There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
-about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get
-about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor
-get it in the winter.
-		-- Bat Masterson
-%
-There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
-friend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably
-avoiding a great deal of pain.
-%
-There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
-		-- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
-%
-There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
-%
-There are more things in heaven and earth,
-Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-		-- Hamlet
-%
-There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
-%
-There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
-%
-There are new messages.
-%
-There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
-		-- Baba Ram Dass
-%
-There are no answers, only cross-references.
-		-- Weiner
-%
-There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
-%
-There are no great men, buster.  There are only men.
-		-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
-%
-There are no great men, only great challenges that
-ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
-		-- Admiral William Halsey
-%
-There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
-		-- The Duke of Wellington
-%
-There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
-of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
-competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
-some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is obviously impossible.
-		-- Richard Davisson
-%
-There are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort
-of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
-%
-There are no winners in life, only survivors.
-%
-There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.
-%
-There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
-taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
-		-- shades
-%
-There are people so addicted to exaggeration
-that they can't tell the truth without lying.
-		-- Josh Billings
-%
-There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
-in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
-people who find nothing odd about it.
-		-- Calvin Trillin
-%
-There are places I'll remember
-All my life though some have changed.
-Some forever not for better
-Some have gone and some remain.
-All these places had their moments
-With lovers and friends I still recall.
-Some are dead and some are living,
-In my life I've loved them all.
-
-But of all these friends and lovers,
-There is no one compared with you,
-All these memories lose their meaning
-When I think of love as something new.
-Though I know I'll never lose affection
-For people and things that went before,
-I know I'll often stop and think about them
-In my life I'll love you more.
-		-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
-%
-There are running jobs.
-Why don't you go chase them?
-%
-There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
-plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
-and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
-don't we all.
-%
-There are strange things done in the midnight sun
-	By the men who moil for gold;
-The Arctic trails have their secret tales
-	That would make your blood run cold;
-The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
-	But the queerest they ever did see
-Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
-	I cremated Sam McGee.
-		-- Robert W. Service
-%
-There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
-is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
-		-- David Nichols
-%
-There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
-fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
-and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
-wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
-your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
-			-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
-%
-There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
-%
-There are three possibilities:
-Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
-there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
-someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
-%
-There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
-offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
-series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
-food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
-increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
-affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
-circumstances can the food be omitted.
-		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
-%
-There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
-the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
-world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
-long winter evenings.
-		-- Quentin Crisp
-%
-There are three rules for writing a novel.
-Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-		-- Maugham
-%
-There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
-changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
-Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
-science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
-by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
-%
-There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
-can't remember.
-		-- Italo Svevo
-%
-There are three things I have always loved
-and never understood -- art, music, and women.
-%
-There are three things men can do with women:
-love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
-		-- Stephen Stills
-%
-There are three ways to get something done:
-
-	1: Do it yourself.
-	2: Hire someone to do it for you.
-	3: Forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are three ways to get something done:
-do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are twenty-five people left in the world,
-and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
-		-- Ed Sanders
-%
-There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play
-together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is
-struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in
-the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
-room.  He calls out, "Who's there?  Who's there?  What's going on?"
-	"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
-	Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are
-you?"
-	"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
-	"Heaven!  You're in heaven!  That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
-	"It's great, man.  I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
-I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
-Man it is smokin'!"
-	"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
-tell me more!"
-	"Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There's good news
-and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean
-I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here."
-	"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
-%
-There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
-And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
-		-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
-%
-There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
-		-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
-%
-There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
-We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-		-- Jeremy S. Anderson
-%
-There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
-like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
-%
-There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
-marriage and after marriage.
-%
-There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
-it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
-make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-		-- C.A.R. Hoare
-%
-There are two ways of disliking art.
-One is to dislike it.
-The other is to like it rationally.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There are two ways of disliking poetry;
-one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There are two ways to write error-free
-programs; only the third one works.
-%
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be
-solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-%
-There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
-with an insurance salesman?
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
-of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling
-rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
-together we'll face the world.
-		-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
-%
-There but for the grace of God, goes God.
-		-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
-%
-There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
-		-- Ralph Nader
-%
-There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
-has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-There comes a time to stop being angry.
-		-- A Small Circle of Friends
-%
-There exist tasks which cannot be done
-by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
-		-- Steele's Law
-%
-There goes the good time that was had by all.
-		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
-%
-There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
-For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
-permissions for everyone, you could say
-
-	#define creat(file, mode)	creat(file, mode | 0444)
-
-	I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
-hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
-from its uses.
-	To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
-is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
-the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is
-being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
-name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
--- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
-recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
-was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
-		-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
-%
-There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
-		-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
-%
-There has been an alarming increase in the
-number of things you know nothing about.
-%
-There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
-%
-There is a building with four floors.  On the first floor, there
-is a convention of architects.  On the second floor, there is a
-vinyl manufacturing plant.  On the third floor there is a fast food
-stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
-
-Q:	What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
-	elevator with one other person from each floor?
-A:	The elevator would be full.
-%
-There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
-is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation.  If
-you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
-	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
-%
-There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
-opinion.
-		-- Anatole France
-%
-There is a fly on your nose.
-%
-There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
-and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
-each other's throat.
-		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
-%
-There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
-that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
-%
-There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-%
-There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
-his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
-wooden toilet seats.
-
-It's called the Birch John Society.
-%
-There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
-what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
-and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There
-is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-There is a time in the tides of men,
-Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
-On the other hand, don't count on it.
-		-- T.K. Lawson
-%
-There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
-is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-There is always more hell that needs raising.
-		-- Lauren Leveut
-%
-There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
-somebody out.
-		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
-%
-There is always someone worse off than yourself.
-%
-There is always something new out of Africa.
-		-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
-%
-There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
-has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
-"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-There is brutality and there is honesty.
-There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
-%
-There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
-having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
-whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
-gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
-most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
-		-- Darwin
-%
-There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
-not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
-%
-There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-		-- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-There is in certain living souls
-A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
-So great it must be shared
-As company is shared by lesser beings.
-Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
-That in immensity
-There is one lonelier than you.
-%
-There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
-however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
-Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
-discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
-on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
-even highly probable.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
-%
-There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-		-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
-		   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
-%
-There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die,
-and we will conquer.  Follow me.
-		-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
-%
-There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
-man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
-man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-		-- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-		-- Mohandis K. Gandhi
-%
-There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
-		-- Darth Vader
-%
-There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
-always enough time to do it over.
-%
-There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
-%
-There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
-is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
-%
-There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
-No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
-%
-There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
-No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-	-- Jean Giradoux
-%
-"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
-the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
-civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
-We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
-striving of the human race"
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-There is no comfort without pain; thus
-we define salvation through suffering.
-		-- Cato
-%
-There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
-		-- George Santayana
-%
-There is no delight the equal of dread.
-As long as it is somebody else's.
-		--Clive Barker
-%
-There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
-%
-There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he
-filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
-as 'unearned income.'
-	-- Michael Lara
-%
-There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical
-education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
-%
-There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
-parents' lives a misery.  ...  I want you to picture the trusting face of a
-child, streaked with tears because of what you just said.  I want you to
-picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
-Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
-		-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
-%
-There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
-%
-There is no fool to the old fool.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-There is no future in time travel.
-%
-There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
-%
-There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
-armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
-		-- Ernest Hemingway
-%
-There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
-		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
-%
-There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
-		-- George Francis Gillette
-%
-There is no point in waiting.
-The train stopped running years ago.
-All the schedules, the brochures,
-The bright-colored posters full of lies,
-Promise rides to a distant country
-That no longer exists.
-%
-There is no proverb that is not true.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
-to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
-So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
-check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
-		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
-%
-There is no royal road to geometry.
-		-- Euclid
-%
-There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
-%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.
-		-- General Douglas MacArthur
-%
-There is no sin but ignorance.
-		-- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
-%
-There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
-%
-There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
-%
-There is no such thing as a free lunch.
-%
-There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
-%
-There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
-the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
-		-- Christian Dior
-%
-There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death.
-Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
-some anxiety always goes with it.
-%
-There is no time like the pleasant.
-%
-There is no time like the present
-for postponing what you ought to be doing.
-%
-There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
-family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
-the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is
-live as cheap as the people.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
-us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
-		-- Augier
-%
-There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
-		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
-%
-There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
-		-- Churchill
-%
-There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
-		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
-		-- Marie Antoinette
-%
-There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
-when you do it reluctantly.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
-comes to visit.
-%
-There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
-a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
-	"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
-an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
-	"I could have answered it if I had been there."
-	"Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
-the middle of the night?'"
-%
-There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
-%
-There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
-is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
-%
-There is one difference between a tax collector and
-a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
-		-- Mortimer Caplan
-%
-There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says
-"Yes" you know he is crooked.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-There is only one thing in the world worse than being
-talked about, and that is not being talked about.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
-		-- Paul Bourget
-%
-There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.
-		-- Robert Heinlein
-%
-There is only one way to kill capitalism --
-by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
-		-- Karl Marx
-%
-There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
-and that word is blackmail.
-		-- Colm Brogan
-%
-There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
-it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
-		-- James Boswell
-%
-There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
-returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-There is something in the pang of change
-More than the heart can bear,
-Unhappiness remembering happiness.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
-%
-There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
-%
-There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
-constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
-who do not.
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
-States; of course, I never heard the story before.
-%
-There must be more to life than having everything.
-		-- Maurice Sendak
-%
-There never was a good war or a bad peace.
-		-- B. Franklin
-%
-There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
-king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
-in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
-to the prince:
-	"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
-half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
-what would your decision be, my son?"
-	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
-her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
-	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
-%
-There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
-king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
-in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
-to the prince:
-	"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
-half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
-what would your decision be, my son?"
-	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
-her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
-that I had promised."
-	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
-%
-There seems no plan because it is all plan.
-		-- C.S. Lewis
-%
-There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
-		-- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
-%
-There was a little girl
-Who had a little curl
-Right in the middle of her forehead.
-When she was good, she was very, very good
-And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
-		-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
-%
-There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
-with taking in a round with his wife.  One time (with his wife along) he
-was having an extremely bad round.  On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
-over by a grounds-keepers' shack.  Although he did not have a clear shot
-to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
-and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
-able to hit through.  Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
-around to the other side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave
-him a clear path to the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared
-to hit.  His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
-hit through.  After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
-the doorway, to see what he was doing.  At that exact moment, the husband
-cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
-her instantly.  A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
-course, this time with a friend of his.  Once again on the 12th hole, he
-sliced his drive to the shack.  His friend suggested that he might be able
-to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
-	"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
-%
-There was a phone call for you.
-%
-There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
-left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
-Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
-they started debating who should be allowed to stay.  The Pope pointed
-out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
-the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
-with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
-We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair thing to do is
-to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
-%
-There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
-no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled
-every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
-insupportable.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut
-%
-There was a young man from Brazil,
-And a lady who'd not take the pill,
-	They lay on the sofa,
-	And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
-n~po_~{o[po	 ~poz~pok~po\~{o
-8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
-%
-There was a young man from LeDoux,
-Whose limericks stopped at line two.
-
-There was a young man from Verdunne.
-
-	[Actually, there are three limericks in this series; the third one
-	 is about some guy named Nero.  If anyone has a copy of it, please
-	 mail it to "fortune".  Ed.]
-%
-There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
-their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
-of the offspring conceived thereupon.  And so it goes that one Indian
-couple made love on a buffalo hide.  Nine months later, they were
-blessed with a healthy baby son.  Yet another couple huddled together
-on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
-baby son.  But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
-were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
-of the nine month interval.  All of which proves the old theorem that:
-The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
-the squaws of the other two hides.
-%
-There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
-in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term
-that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
-practice -- was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed
-to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if
-necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
-(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
-		-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
-%
-There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
-Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice.  "Mike,
-you know I've always wanted to be a Texan.  You're a *real* Texan, what
-should I do?"
-	"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
-like a Texan.  That means you have to dress right.  The second thing
-you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
-	"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
-	A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
-in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna.  "Hey, there,
-pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
-he tells the counterman.
-	The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
-"You must be from New York."
-	The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am.  How did
-you know?"
-	"Because this is a hardware store."
-%
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
-the boss asks for a lift home from office.
-%
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
-the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
-%
-There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
-%
-There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
-this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
-		-- Machiavelli
-%
-There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
-ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are
-pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
-hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
-least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
-Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
-pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored.
-		-- Shirley Povich, 1941
-%
-There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
-Too bad it's not a fence.
-%
-There's a lesson that I need to remember
-When everything is falling apart
-In life, just like in loving
-There's such a thing as trying to hard
-
-You've gotta sing
-Like you don't need the money
-Love like you'll never get hurt
-You've gotta dance
-Like nobody's watching
-It's gotta come from the heart
-If you want it to work.
-		-- Kathy Mattea
-%
-There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
-%
-There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
-and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables.  Won a
-little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc.  Prayed for help.
-A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..."   Man looked around; nobody
-there.  What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
-The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..."  Played red again, and
-it won again.  The voice said, "Impair..."  Played odd, and it won.  Voice
-said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won.  This went
-on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
-his money on what the voice said, and winning.  Finally when the voice
-spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
-quit.  The voice was inexorable: "Douze..."  The man put the money on 12,
-and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
-%
-There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
-The corporation that we represent.
-We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
-Of that man of men our sterling president
-The name of T.J. Watson means
-A courage none can stem
-And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
-		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to
-recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
-let go.  It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
-or its past importance in our lives.  It involves a sense of future,
-a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
-rather than out.  The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
-living well.  It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
-action, but a process.  It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
-best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
-We own what we learned back there.  The experiences and the growth
-are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take ourselves
-along -- quite gracefully.
-		-- Ellen Goodman
-%
-There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
-		-- Doug Clifford
-%
-There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
-%
-There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
-%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
-I really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it
-didn't do anything to me.
-		-- John Wayne
-%
-There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
-%
-There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
-%
-There's little in taking or giving,
-	There's little in water or wine:
-This living, this living, this living,
-	Was never a project of mine.
-Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
-	The gain of the one at the top,
-For art is a form of catharsis,
-	And love is a permanent flop,
-And work is the province of cattle,
-	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
-So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
-	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There's no future in time travel.
-%
-There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
-%
-There's no justice in this world.
-		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
-		New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
-		saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
-		the assassination of Schultz instead)
-%
-There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-		-- Dr. Who
-%
-There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
-		-- Raoul Duke
-%
-There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
-%
-There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
-what you're talking about.
-		-- John von Neumann
-%
-There's no such thing as a free lunch.
-		-- Milton Friendman
-%
-There's no such thing as an original sin.
-		-- Elvis Costello
-%
-There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
-%
-There's no time like the pleasant.
-%
-There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
-working for you.
-		-- Will Rodgers
-%
-There's no use being precise about something
-when you don't even know what you're talking about.
-		-- John von Neumann
-%
-There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
-%
-There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
-armadillos.
-		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
-%
-There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
-neckline to keep a man on his toes.
-%
-There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
-his wife.
-		-- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
-%
-There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
-%
-There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right
-keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
-		-- J.S. Bach
-%
-There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter
-and open a vein.
-		-- Red Smith
-%
-There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
-nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
-%
-There's nothing worse for your business than
-extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
-		-- W. Bossert
-%
-There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
-reasoning with them won't aggravate.
-%
-There's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can
-always see somebody who did worse.
-		-- Warren H. Goldsmith
-%
-There's one fool at least in every married couple.
-%
-There's only one everything.
-%
-There's only one way to have a happy marriage
-and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-		-- Clint Eastwood
-%
-There's small choice in rotten apples.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-There's so much plastic in this culture that
-vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
-%
-There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
-Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
-		-- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
-If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
-%
-There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-		-- Richard Le Gallienne
-%
-These activities have their own rules and methods
-of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
-%
-These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
-they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
-%
-They also serve who only stand and wait.
-		-- John Milton
-%
-They also surf who only stand on waves.
-%
-They are called computers simply because computation is
-the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
-%
-They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
-what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
-life.  Let's face it: That's the American way.
-		-- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
-		   of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
-%
-They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
-when they can see nothing but sea.
-		-- Francis Bacon
-%
-They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
-		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
-%
-They call them "squares" because it's the
-most complicated shape they can deal with.
-%
-They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
-		-- The Blues Brothers
-%
-They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-		-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
-		words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
-%
-They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
-are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-
-(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
-	53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
-	conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
-	million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
-	brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
-	the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
-	there.
-(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
-	you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
-	sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
-	A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
-	that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
-	sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher.  He is
-	going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
-	just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-They don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and
-try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the
-man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
-only want to count to two.
-		-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
-%
-They don't suffer.  They can't even speak English.
-		-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
-		question about the suffering of starving miners.
-%
-They finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association.
-%
-They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
-%
-They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
-especially the president -- with a microscope.  I don't argue with that,
-but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
-not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to
-learn this particular lesson.
-		-- Richard Stallman
-%
-They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
-system from within.  I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them.  First
-we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
-
-I'm guided by a signal in the heavens.  I'm guided by this birthmark on
-my skin.  I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan,
-then we take Berlin.
-
-I'd really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit
-and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving throug the station?
-I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
-	-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
-%
-They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
-Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
-About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
-The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
-But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.
-
-He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
-To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
-And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
-The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.
-
-My notion was to start again
-Ignoring all they'd done
-We quickly turned it into code
-To see if it would run.
-%
-They told me you had proven it
-	About a month before.
-The proof was valid, more or less	He sent them word that we would try
-	But rather less than more.	To pass where they had failed
-					And after we were done, to them
-					The new proof would be mailed.
-My notion was to start again
-	Ignoring all they'd done
-We quickly turned it into code		When they discovered our results
-	To see if it would run.		Their hair began to curl
-					Instead of understanding it
-					We'd run the thing through PRL.
-Don't tell a soul about all this
-For it must ever be
-A secret, kept from all the rest
-Between yourself and me.
-%
-They took some of the Van Goghs, most
-of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
-%
-They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
-		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
-%
-They use different words for things in America.
-For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
-They say drapes and we say curtains.
-They say president and we say brain damaged git.
-		-- Alexie Sayle
-%
-They went rushing down that freeway,
-Messed around and got lost.
-They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
-And it was life in the fast lane.
-		-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
-%
-They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
-		-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
-%
-They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
-The man said "We got all that we can use",
-So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
-Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
-		-- Jim Croce
-%
-They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.  Had one get loose on me
-back in '62.  It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
-of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
-for freedom.
-		-- Stig's Inferno
-%
-They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
-		-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
-%
-They're just jealous because they don't have three
-wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
-		-- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
-		ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
-%
-They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
-%
-Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
-their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
-%
-Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
-		-- Dwight Eisenhower
-%
-Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
-%
-Things are not always what they seem.
-		-- Phaedrus
-%
-Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
-%
-Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
-%
-Things past redress and now with me past care.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-Things will be bright in P.M.
-A cop will shine a light in your face.
-%
-Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-Things worth having are worth cheating for.
-%
-Think big.
-Pollute the Mississippi.
-%
-Think honk if you're a telepath.
-%
-Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
-		-- Darrell Royal
-%
-Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
-%
-Think of your family tonight.
-Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
-%
-Think sideways!
-		-- Ed De Bono
-%
-Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
-%
-Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
-		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
-%
-Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
-It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
-Have made my days and nights imperishable,
-Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
-Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
-Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
-But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
-Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
-%
-Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
-when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Thirty white horses on a red hill,
-First they champ,
-Then they stamp,
-Then they stand still.
-		-- Tolkien
-%
-This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
-Everye nighte and alle,
-Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
-And Christe receive thy saule.
-		-- The Lykewake Dirge
-%
-This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can
-speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
-batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
-deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
-Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless,
-spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef,
-beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
-pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish;
-half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
-a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
-individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
-limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
-%
-This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
-(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
-		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
-%
-This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
-%
-This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
-%
-This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate
-need, please use the program "randchar".  This program generates
-random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
-up with something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at
-all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
-%
-This fortune intentionally not included.
-%
-This fortune intentionally says nothing.
-%
-This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
-invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
-%
-This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
-%
-This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
-%
-This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
-%
-This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
-%
-This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
-%
-This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
-We have emotional moving vans.
-		-- Bruce Feirstein
-%
-This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
-bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
-	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
-	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
-of the house by dinner!"
-%
-This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
-regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
-%
-This is a good time to punt work.
-%
-This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
-Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
-%
-This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
-Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
-and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
-%
-This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
-and not enough hunchbacks.
-%
-This is for all ill-treated fellows
-	Unborn and unbegot,
-For them to read when they're in trouble
-	And I am not.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-This is Jim Rockford.
-At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
-%
-This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
-his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
-Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
-%
-This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...   Is this a machine?
-I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
-%
-This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
-%
-This is NOT a repeat.
-%
-This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The
-spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men
-who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
-	-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
-%
-This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
-Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
-%
-This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,
-meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
-and come alone.  I'm serious!
-%
-This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
-which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
-		-- Arthur Clarke
-%
-This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
-power of computers:
-
-Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct the
-thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
-level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The results are that
-one should eat each day:
-
-	1/2 chicken
-	1 egg
-	1 glass of skim milk
-	27 heads of lettuce.
-		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
-%
-This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-This is the theory that Jack built.
-This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
-This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
-%
-This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-And now you know why.
-%
-This is the way the world ends,
-This is the way the world ends,
-This is the way the world ends,
-Not with a bang but with a whimper.
-		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
-%
-This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
-		-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
-%
-This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
-constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
-been called by others the fiddle factor..."
-		-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
-%
-This land is my land, and only my land,
-I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
-If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
-This land is private property.
-		-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
-%
-This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an
-actual life, you would have received further instructions as
-to what to do and where to go.
-%
-This life is yours.  Some of it was given
-to you; the rest, you made yourself.
-%
-This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
-%
-This login session: $13.99
-%
-This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.
-%
-This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
-great force.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-This one is for all you military types.  For those who don't know, Rangers
-are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army.  Marines are people
-who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
-don't actually hurt.
-	One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
-Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
-hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
-man enough to take me on?"
-	The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
-Ranger.  When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
-tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight.  There is the sound of
-a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet.  Soon, the
-Ranger reappears, quite untouched.  He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
-"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
-	The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
-charging after the Ranger.  They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
-After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
-crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
-"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
-replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir.  They're two of them!"
-%
-This place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've
-got to find a way off this planet.
-%
-This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of
-the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
-solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
-largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
-which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
-paper that were unhappy.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
-something child-like.
-		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
-%
-This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real
-persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some
-assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during
-shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If
-condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside.
-Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct,
-indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
-or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial
-penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled
-check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families
-are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time
-offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area.
-Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does
-not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call
-toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
-appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do
-not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be
-paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many
-suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction
-strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror
-are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes
-all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied.
-%
-This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
-mother's side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
-often have little else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and
-adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-This screen intentionally left blank.
-%
-This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
-%
-This sentence no verb.
-%
-This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
-%
-This thing all things devours:
-Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
-Gnaws iron, bites steel;
-Grinds hard stones to meal;
-Slays king, ruins town,
-And beats high mountain down.
-%
-This unit... must... survive.
-%
-This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the
-contents may have occurred during shipment.
-%
-This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
-dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft,
-pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
-		-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
-%
-This was the most unkindest cut of all.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
-This was terrible with raisins in it.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
-%
-This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
-%
-This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck.  His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
-The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
-could groan was "My BMW!  My BMW!"
-	The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
-wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
-pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
-and was lying about twenty feet away.
-	There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
-"Oh no!  My Rolex!  My Rolex!"
-%
-Those lovable Brits department:
-	They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
-%
-Those of you who think you know everything
-are annoying those of us who do.
-%
-Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
-%
-Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
-are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
-at are called software.
-		-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
-		   Literacy for the 1990's.
-%
-Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
-learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
-		-- W.S. Krabill
-%
-Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
-Silly Putty.
-		-- Dennis Rawlins
-%
-Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
-%
-Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
-Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
-%
-Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
-		-- George Santayana
-%
-Those who can't write, write manuals.
-%
-Those who claim the dead never return
-to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
-%
-Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
-%
-Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-		-- Henry Spencer
-%
-Those who do things in a noble spirit of
-self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
-		-- N. Alexander.
-%
-Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
-parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
-Often have a share in their misfortunes.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
-%
-Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
-world is love.  The poor know that it is money.
-		-- Gerald Brenan
-%
-Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
-%
-Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
-will make violent revolution inevitable.
-		-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
-%
-Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
-men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
-without the roar of its many waters.
-		-- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Those who sweat in flames of hell,	Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
-Here's the reason that they fell:	Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
-While on earth they prayed in SAS,	These they offered up in praise
-PL/1, or other crass,			Thinking all this fetid haze
-Vulgar tongue.				A rhapsody sung.
-
-Some the lord did sorely try		Jabber of the mindless horde
-Assembling all their pleas in hex.	Sequel next did mock the lord
-Speech as crabbed as devil's crable	Slothful sequel so enfangled
-Hex that marked on Tower Babel		Its speaker's lips became entangled
-The highest rung.			In his bung.
-
-Because in life they prayed so ill
-And offered god such swinish swill
-Now they sweat in flames of hell
-Sweat from lack of APL
-Sweat dung!
-%
-Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
-%
-Thou hast seen nothing yet.
-		-- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-Though I respect that a lot
-I'd be fired if that were my job
-After killing Jason off and
-Countless screaming argonauts
-
-Bluebird of friendliness
-Like guardian angels it's
-Always near
-
-Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
-Who watches over you
-Make a little birdhouse in your soul
-Not to put too fine a point on it
-Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
-Make a little birdhouse in your soul
-
-		-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
-%
-Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
-%
-Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
-the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
-Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
-whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
-A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
-more about the matter than the others.
-%
-Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
-		-- Trollope
-%
-Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
-all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
-"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
-
-	"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
-	"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
-	"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
-		service station," said the Missourian.
-	"Wrong."
-	"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
-	"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster.  "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
-	"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
-%
-Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
-is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
-		-- A.E. Houseman
-%
-Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
-late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
-		-- Jean-Paul Sartre
-%
-Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
-Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
-Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
-One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
-In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
-One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
-One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
-In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
-		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
-%
-Three rules for sounding like an expert:
-	1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
-	2. Always point out second-order effects,
-	   but never point out when they can be ignored.
-	3. Come up with three rules of your own.
-%
-Throw away documentation and manuals,
-and users will be a hundred times happier.
-Throw away privileges and quotas,
-and users will do the Right Thing.
-Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
-and there won't be any pirating.
-
-If these three aren't enough,
-just stay at your home directory
-and let all processes take their course.
-%
-Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
-what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
-is its own hell."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
-	be productive."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
-	be maintained."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"Time for you to leave."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
-	the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software,
-	hardware is useless."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
-	"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
-	can't make him computer literate."
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thyme's Law:
-	Everything goes wrong at once.
-%
-Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
-Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
-Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
-Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
-
-Tired of lying in the sunshine		And then one day you find
-Staying home to watch the rain		Ten years have got behind you
-You are young and life is long		No one told you when to run
-And there is time to kill today		You missed the starting gun
-
-And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
-And racing around to come up behind you again
-The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
-Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
-
-Every year is getting shorter		Hanging on in quiet desperation
-						is the English way
-Never seem to find the time		The time is gone, the song is over
-Plans that either come to nought	Thought I'd something more to say...
-Or half a page of scribbled lines
-		-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
-%
-Tiddely Quiddely
-Edward M. Kennedy
-Quite unaccountably
-Drove in a stream.
-
-Pleas of amnesia
-Incomprehensible
-Possibly shattered
-Political dream.
-%
-Tiger got to hunt,
-Bird got to fly;
-Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
-
-Tiger got to sleep,
-Bird got to land;
-Man got to tell himself he understand.
-		-- The Books of Bokonon
-%
-Time and tide wait for no man.
-%
-Time as he grows old teaches all things.
-		-- Aeschylus
-%
-Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
-%
-Time goes, you say?
-Ah no!
-Time stays, *we* go.
-		-- Austin Dobson
-%
-Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-		-- Hector Berlioz
-%
-Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
-		-- Ford Prefect
-%
-Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
-		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
-%
-Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
-%
-Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Time is nature's way of making sure that
-everything doesn't happen at once.
-
-Space is nature's way of making sure that
-everything doesn't happen to you.
-%
-Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
-		-- Theophrastus
-%
-Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
-%
-Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
-%
-Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
-%
-Time to take stock.
-Go home with some office supplies.
-%
-Time washes clean
-Love's wounds unseen.
-That's what someone told me;
-But I don't know what it means.
-		-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
-%
-Time will end all my troubles,
-but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
-%
-Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
-		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
-%
-timesharing, n:
-	An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
-%
-Timing must be perfect now.
-Two-timing must be better than perfect.
-%
-Tip of the Day:
-	Never fry bacon in the nude.
-%
-Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
-		-- J. LeBoutillier
-%
-Tip the world over on its side and
-everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
-	Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
-	There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
-	Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
-		they would ordinarily.
-	There is no music in space.
-	People will pay to watch people make sounds.
-	Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
-%
-TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
-force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
-the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
-to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
-recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
-Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
-	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
-	never been easier."
-Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
-it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
-components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
-work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
-magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
-much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
-But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
-Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
-Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
-Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
-1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
-available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
-%
-Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
-%
-'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
-is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and
-stopping at red lights are both optional.
-	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
-%
-To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
-above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
-to spend a few days there.
-	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
-%
-To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
-in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
-	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
-%
-To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks.  There are,
-in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people.  The
-only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
-Swedes speak better English."
-	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
-%
-To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
-a million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred
-thousand.
-	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
-%
-To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
-To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither
-oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
-		-- Epictetus
-%
-To add insult to injury.
-		-- Phaedrus
-%
-To any truly impartial person, it would
-be obvious that I am always right.
-%
-To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-		-- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
-		-- Shelley
-%
-To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
-should demand more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
-		-- Thackeray
-%
-To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
-than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
-%
-To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
-Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-To be great is to be misunderstood.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
-Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
-fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
-It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
-in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
-weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
-be in the United States.  Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
-a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
-and not be happy.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
-%
-To be is to be related.
-		-- C.J. Keyser.
-%
-To be is to do.
-		-- I. Kant
-To do is to be.
-		-- A. Sartre
-Do be a Do Bee!
-		-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
-Do be do be do!
-		-- F. Sinatra
-Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-		-- F. Flintstone
-%
-To be loved is very demoralizing.
-		-- Katharine Hepburn
-%
-to be nobody but yourself in a world
-which is doing its best night and day
-to make you like everybody else
-means to fight the hardest battle
-any human being can fight and
-never stop fighting.
-		-- e.e. cummings
-%
-To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
-night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
-battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-		-- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
-%
-To be or not to be.
-		-- Shakespeare
-To do is to be.
-		-- Nietzsche
-To be is to do.
-		-- Sartre
-Do be do be do.
-		-- Sinatra
-%
-To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
-%
-To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
-but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
-		-- Lionel Strachey
-%
-To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
-		-- Golda Meir
-%
-To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
-as well as a man.  Fortunately, this is not difficult.
-%
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
-and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
-%
-To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
-%
-To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
-%
-To be wise, the only thing you really need
-to know is when to say "I don't know."
-%
-To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
-you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-To code the impossible code,		This is my quest --
-To bring up a virgin machine,		To debug that code,
-To pop out of endless recursion,	No matter how hopeless,
-To grok what appears on the screen,	No matter the load,
-					To write those routines
-To right the unrightable bug,		Without question or pause,
-To endlessly twiddle and thrash,	To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
-To mount the unmountable magtape,	For a heavenly cause.
-To stop the unstoppable crash!		And I know if I'll only be true
-					To this glorious quest,
-And the queue will be better for this,	That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
-That one man, scorned and		When it's put to the test.
-	destined to lose,
-Still strove with his last allocation
-To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
-		-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
-%
-To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
-		-- AT&T
-%
-To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
-may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
-		-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
-%
-To craunch a marmoset.
-		-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
-%
-To criticize the incompetent is easy;
-it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
-%
-To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
-		-- Senator Edmund Muskie
-%
-To do nothing is to be nothing.
-%
-To do two things at once is to do neither.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
-convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
-		-- H. Poincare
-%
-To err is human -- but it feels divine.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
-%
-To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
-%
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-%
-To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
-before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
-%
-To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
-%
-To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
-		-- MIT Assassination Club
-%
-To err is human, to forgive unusual.
-%
-To err is human, to purr feline.
-To err is human, two curs canine.
-To err is human, to moo bovine.
-%
-To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-To err is human.
-To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
-%
-To err is human,
-To purr feline.
-		-- Robert Byrne
-%
-To err is humor.
-%
-To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
-A time to be born, and a time to die;
-A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
-A time to kill, and a time to heal;
-A time to break down, and a time to build up;
-A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
-A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
-A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
-A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
-A time to gain, and a time to lose;
-A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
-A time to tear, and a time to sew;
-A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
-A time to love, and a time to hate;
-A time of war, and a time of peace.
-		Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
-%
-To fear love is to fear life, and those
-who fear life are already three parts dead.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
-		-- Norman Douglas
-%
-To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-		-- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
-%
-To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
-To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
-%
-To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
-persons, two of them absent.
-%
-To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
-%
-To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
-%
-To have died once is enough.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-To hell with the Prime Directive;
-Let's KILL something!
-%
-To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-		-- Thomas Edison
-%
-To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
-		-- Robert Heller
-%
-To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
-		-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
-%
-To keep your friends treat them kindly;
-to kill them, treat them often.
-%
-To know Edina is to reject it.
-		-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
-%
-To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
-%
-To lead people, you must follow behind.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-To listen to some devout people,
-one would imagine that God never laughs.
-		-- Sri Aurobindo
-%
-To love is good, love being difficult.
-%
-To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
-%
-To make tax forms true they should
-read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
-%
-To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
-		-- St. Augustine
-%
-TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
-where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
-circus and a clown killed my dad.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
-bitters.  Shake.
-		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
-%
-To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
-		-- 19th century toast
-%
-To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
-%
-To restore a sense of reality, I think
-Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
-		-- Jack Paar
-%
-To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
-%
-To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
-but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
-micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.
-		-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
-%
-To say you got a vote of confidence
-would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
-		-- Andrew Young
-%
-To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
-%
-To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
-and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was
-agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
-There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
-it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
-tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of
-mind over matter; quite.
-		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
-%
-To see you is to sympathize.
-%
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
-the job will take the longest and cost the most.
-%
-To stand and be still,
-At the Birkenhead drill,
-Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
-		-- Rudyard Kipling
-%
-To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
-of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
-		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-To stay youthful, stay useful.
-%
-To teach is to learn.
-%
-To teach is to learn twice.
-		-- Joseph Joubert
-%
-To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
-%
-To Theodore Roosevelt:
-	You are like the Wind and I like the Lion.  You form the Tempest.
-The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched.  I roar in defiance but
-you do not hear.  But between us there is a difference.  I, like the lion,
-must remain in my place.  While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
-		Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
-		Lord of the Riff
-		Sultan to the Berbers
-		Last of the Barbary Pirates
-%
-To thine own self be true.
-(If not that, at least make some money.)
-%
-To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is
-madness.
-		-- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
-system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
-inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
-precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
-uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
-well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
-of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
-secure ecological niche.
-		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
-%
-TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
-
-	Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
-what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
-may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
-	Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
-to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
-destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
-or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
-receiving said benefit.
-	I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
-yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
-as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
-in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
-	Amen.
-		-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
-%
-To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
-%
-To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
-he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
-%
-To use violence is to already be defeated.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-To whom the mornings are like nights,
-What must the midnights be!
-		-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
-%
-To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
-strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
-Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
-and take by force a satisfying mesh.
-Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
-You are the master here, and they the slaves.
-Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
-and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
-A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!
-What use are words that drive not to the heart?
-A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
-and choose more docile words to take its part.
-A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
-by making love directly to the brain.
-%
-To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Tobacco is a filthy weed,
-That from the devil does proceed;
-It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
-And makes a chimney of your nose.
-		-- B. Waterhouse
-%
-TODAY:
-	A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
-%
-Today is a good day for information-gathering.
-Read someone else's mail file.
-%
-Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
-%
-Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
-%
-Today is the last day of your life so far.
-%
-Today is what happened to yesterday.
-%
-Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
-cheering squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a
-boarder.
-%
-Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
-%
-Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more
-spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-		-- Bob & Ray
-%
-Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-		-- H.S. Thompson
-%
-Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
-%
-toilet toupee, n:
-	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
-	creating endless annoyance to male users.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
-but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
-%
-Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
-%
-Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
-%
-Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
-		-- DEC
-%
-Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
-Don't forget to leave a tip.
-%
-Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
-	If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
-%
-Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
-driving cabs and cutting hair.
-		-- George Burns
-%
-TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
-real fast and freak everybody out.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Too clever is dumb.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-Too cool to calypso,
-Too tough to tango,
-Too weird to watusi
-		-- The Only Ones
-%
-Too Late
-	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
-the two o'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in
-the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
-the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
-%
-Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
-They seem more afraid of life than death.
-		-- James F. Byrnes
-%
-Too much is just enough.
-		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
-%
-Too much is not enough.
-%
-Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
-anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
-in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
-		-- Instrument News
-		[Once is too often.  Ed.]
-%
-Too ripped.  Gotta go.
-%
-Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
-%
-Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
-
-10:	Sorry, but that's too useful.
- 9:	Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
- 8:	I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
-	#pragma is for.
- 7:	Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
-	hard to write.
- 6:	Them bats is smart; they use radar.
- 5:	All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
- 4:	How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
- 3:	Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
- 2:	Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
- 1:	Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
-%
-Topologists are just plane folks.
-	Pilots are just plane folks.
-		Carpenters are just plane folks.
-			Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
-		Musicians are just playin' folks.
-	Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
-Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
-%
-Torque is cheap.
-%
-Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
-%
-TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
-	I'm the person your mother warned you about.
-%
-Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
-		-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you
-get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
-personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
-		-- A. Gide
-%
-Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
-%
-TRANSFER:
-	A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
-%
-TRANSPARENT:
-	Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
-	"It's there, but you can't see it"
-		-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
-
-VIRTUAL:
-	Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
-	"I can see it, but it's not there."
-		-- Lady Macbeth.
-%
-TRANSVESTITE:
-	Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
-%
-Trap full -- please empty.
-%
-TRAVEL:
-	Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
-%
-Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
-%
-Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
-"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
-	"All depends," the native drawled.  "Do you mean by them that has
-to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
-by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
-for a short spell?"
-%
-Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
-		-- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
-		-- Charles DeGaulle
-%
-Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
-		-- Michelangelo
-%
-Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
-%
-Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
-%
-Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
-next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
-a brand new series of three.
-%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
-beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
-%
-Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
-%
-True happiness will be found only in true love.
-%
-True leadership is the art of changing
-a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
-		-- Virginia Allan
-%
-True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
-personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
-		-- David Mamet
-%
-Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
-		-- Henrik Tikkanen
-%
-Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
-		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
-%
-Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-		-- Arabian proverb
-%
-TRUST ME:
-	Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
-%
-TRUST ME:
-	Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
-%
-Trust your husband, adore your husband,
-and get as much as you can in your own name.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-Truth can wait; he's used to it.
-%
-Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.
-		-- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-Truth is free, but information costs.
-%
-Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
-%
-"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
-%
-Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
-of him that brought her birth.
-		-- Milton
-%
-Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
-%
-TRUTHFUL:
-	Dumb and illiterate.
-%
-try again
-%
-Try not to have a good time ...
-This is supposed to be educational.
-		-- Charles Schulz
-%
-Try not.
-Do.
-Or do not.
-There is no try.
-%
-Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
-%
-Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
-%
-Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
-%
-Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
-%
-Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is
-it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four
-tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for
-novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
-the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
-		-- Amrom Katz
-%
-Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
-%
-Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
-%
-Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
-%
-Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
-which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
-%
-Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
-		-- Alan Watts
-%
-Trying to get an education here is like
-trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
-%
-T-shirt:
-	Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
-%
-Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
-%
-Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
-%
-Turn on, tune in, and take over.
-		-- Tim Leary
-%
-Turn the other cheek.
-		-- Jesus Christ
-%
-Turnaucka's Law:
-	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
-	electrical cord.
-%
-Tussman's Law:
-	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-%
-TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
-and I never even had the decency to thank her.
-		-- R.B. Gossling
-%
-"Twas bergen and the eirie road
-Did mahwah into patterson:		"Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
-All jersey were the ocean groves,	The teeth that bite, the nails
-And the red bank bayonne.			that claw!
-					Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
-He took his belmar blade in hand:	The kearney communipaw."
-Long time the folsom foe he sought
-Till rested he by a bayway tree		And, as in nutley thought he stood,
-And stood a while in thought.		The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
-					Came whippany through the englewood,
-One, two, one, two, and through		And garfield as it came.
-	and through
-The belmar blade went hackensack!	"And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
-He left it dead and with it's head	Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
-He went weehawken back.			Hohokus day!  Soho!  Rahway!"
-					He caldwell in his joy.
-Did mahwah into patterson:
-All jersey were the ocean groves,
-And the red bank bayonne.
-		-- Paul Kieffer
-%
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves	And as in uffish thought he stood
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
-All mimsy were the borogroves		Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
-And the mome raths outgrabe.		And burbled as it came!
-
-"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!		One! Two! One! Two!
-The jaws that bite,				and through and through
-	the claws that catch!		The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
-Beware the Jubjub bird,			He left it dead, and took its head,
-And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"	And went galumphing back.
-
-He took his vorpal sword in hand	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
-Long time the manxome foe he sought.	Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
-So rested he by the tumtum tree		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-And stood awhile in thought.		He chortled in his joy.
-
-					'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
-					Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
-					All mimsy were the borogroves
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
-All mimsy were the borogroves		The jaws that bite, the claws
-And the mome raths outgrabe.			that catch!
-					Beware the Jubjub bird,
-He took his vorpal sword in hand	And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
-Long time the manxome foe he sought.
-So rested he by the tumtum tree		And as in uffish thought he stood
-And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
-					Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
-One! Two! One! Two!  And through and	And burbled as it came!
-	through
-The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
-He left it dead, and took its head,	Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
-And went galumphing back.		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-					He chortled in his joy.
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
-All mimsy were the borogroves
-And the mome raths outgrabe.
-		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
-%
-'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
-Did buy and gamble in the craze		"Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
-All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers	The cost that bites, the worth
-By market's wrath unphased.			that falls!
-					Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
-He took his forecast sword in hand:	The spurious Street o' Walls!"
-Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
-Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he,	And as in bearish thought he stood
-And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
-					Came waffling with the truth too good,
-Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through	And yuppied great with greed!
-	and through
-The forecast blade went snicker-snack!	"And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
-It bit the dirt, and with its shirt,	Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
-He went rebounding back.		O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
-					He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
-'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
-Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
-All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
-And mammon's wrath them bash!
-		-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
-%
-'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
-Did gyre and gimble in their cave
-All mimsy was the CS-VAX
-And Cory raths outgrave.
-
-"Beware the software rot, my son!
-The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
-Beware the broken pipe, and shun
-The frumious system crash!"
-%
-'Twas midnight on the ocean,		Her children all were orphans,
-Not a streetcar was in sight,		Except one a tiny tot,
-So I stepped into a cigar store		Who had a home across the way
-To ask them for a light.		Above a vacant lot.
-
-The man	behind the counter		As I gazed through the oaken door
-Was a woman, old and gray,		A whale went drifting by,
-Who used to peddle doughnuts		Its six legs hanging in the air,
-On the road to Mandalay.		So I kissed her goodbye.
-
-She said "Good morning, stranger",	This story has a morale
-Her eyes were dry with tears,		As you can plainly see,
-As she put her head between her feet	Don't mix your gin with whiskey
-And stood that way for years.		On the deep and dark blue sea.
-		-- Midnight On The Ocean
-%
-'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
-When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
-Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
-A satellite spotted him making his way.
-The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
-Was ready for action, and started to fire!
-The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
-Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
-I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
-When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
-I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
-St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
-But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
-A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
-Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
-Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
-So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
-The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
-Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
-'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
-It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
-If the crazy contraption would work very well.
-So after a trillion or two had been spent
-The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
-So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
-There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
-%
-Twenty two thousand days.
-Twenty two thousand days.
-It's not a lot.
-It's all you've got.
-Twenty two thousand days.
-		-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
-%
-Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
-in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and
-was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy
-fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
-	Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
-"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
-	"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
-	Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
-collision course with that ship.
-	The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
-a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
-	Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
-	In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
-degrees!"
-	"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
-course 20 degrees."
-	By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
-battleship, change course 20 degrees."
-	Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
-	We changed course.
-		-- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
-%
-Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
-%
-Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house.  The
-penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
-"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?"  The
-owner then runs off to the sauna.  When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
-up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
-away.  So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
-the zoo, I did."  And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
-the movies!"
-%
-Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
-barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
-	"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
-knows when to stop."
-%
-Two heads are better than one.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Two heads are more numerous than one.
-%
-Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
-performing her normal housekeeping routines.  She was interrupted by
-British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
-Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
-her home.  Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
-a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center.  Upon
-entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
-and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
-search was fruitless.  They had to return empty handed.  Word of the
-incident propagated rapidly through the region.  This historic event
-became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
-%
-Two is company, three is an orgy.
-%
-Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
-%
-Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a
-canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.  We can
-call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
-end of the canyon.  Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
-	So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where
-are we?"  (They hear the echo several times).
-	Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
-You're lost!"
-	The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
-	Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
-	"For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
-he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
-%
-Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said,
-"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The second man said,
-"He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
-trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
-his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
-the man whose ear was bitten.  If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
-and the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
-did it and must pay three silver pieces."
-%
-Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
-%
-Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
-with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that
-toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
-	"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look
-at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
-dry side.
-	"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
-	"What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side."
-%
-Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
-%
-Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
-%
-Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
-%
-Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square.  One of them says, "By
-the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
-	"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
-%
-Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
-I forget the second.
-%
-Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars.  Each one
-orders two vodkas and immediately downs them.  They they order two more
-and once again quickly throw them back.  They then order two more.  When
-they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
-toasts him, "Skoal!"
-	The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey!  Did you come
-here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
-%
-Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-		-- Kohn
-%
-Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
-		-- Thomas Szasz
-%
-Tyger, Tyger, burning bright		Where the hammer?  Where the chain?
-In the forests of the night,		In what furnace was thy brain?
-What immortal hand or eye		What the anvil?  What dread grasp
-Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?	Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
-
-Burnt in distant deeps or skies		When the stars threw down their spears
-The cruel fire of thine eyes?		And water'd heaven with their tears
-On what wings dare he aspire?		Dare he laugh his work to see?
-What the hand dare seize the fire?	Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
-
-And what shoulder & what art		Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
-Could twist the sinews of they heart?	In the forests of the night,
-And when thy heart began to beat	What immortal hand or eye
-What dread hand & what dread feet	Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
-
-Could fetch it from the furnace deep
-And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
-In the well of sanguine woe?
-In what clay & in what mould
-Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
-		-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
-%
-Type louder, please.
-%
-U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
-	Run right up and rub its horn.
-	Look at all those points you're losing!
-	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
-		-- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Udall's Fourth Law:
-	Any change or reform you make
-	is going to have consequences you don't like.
-%
-UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
-%
-Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then,
-straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
-Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
-		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
-%
-Ummm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
-Sorry for the confusion.
-		-- Sun Microsystems
-%
-Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
-woods on a summer afternoon.  A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
-leaves.  He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.  Soon he starts
-coughing and drops dead.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
-It's simple, Skyler.  You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
-%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
-	Never use your thumb for a rule.
-	You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
-ordinance under which you can be booked.
-		-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
-%
-Under capitalism, man exploits man.
-Under communism, it's just the opposite.
-		-- J.K. Galbraith
-%
-Under deadline pressure for the next week.
-If you want something, it can wait.
-Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
-%
-Under every stone lurks a politician.
-		-- Aristophanes
-%
-Under the wide an starry sky,
-Dig my grave and let me lie,
-Glad did I live and gladly die,
-And laid me down with a will,
-And this be the verse that you grave for me,
-Here he lies where he longed to be,
-Home is the sailor home from the sea,
-And the hunter home from the hill.
-		-- R. Kipling
-%
-Under the wide and heavy VAX
-Dig my grave and let me relax
-Long have I lived, and many my hacks
-And I lay me down with a will.
-These be the words that tell the way:
-"Here he lies who piped 64K,
-Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
-And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
-%
-Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
-	Superiority is recessive.
-%
-understand, v:
-	To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
-	you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
-	basis of your own internal model instead.
-%
-Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
-in relation to a bigger problem.
-		-- P.D. Ouspensky
-%
-Unfair animal names:
-
--- tsetse fly		-- bullhead
--- booby		-- duck-billed platypus
--- sapsucker		-- Clarence
-		-- Gary Larson
-%
-UNFAIR COMPETITION:
-	Selling cheaper than we do.
-%
-Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many
-friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
-throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
-slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
-		-- Jon Bentley
-%
-Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-UNION:
-	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
-%
-United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas
-season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
-forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
-every persuasion.  Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
-low over the world.
-		-- Isaac Asimov
-%
-UNIVERSE:
-	The problem.
-%
-universe, n:
-	The problem.
-%
-Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little
-in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
-%
-UNIVERSITY:
-	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
-	usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
-	you how to fix it, and...
-
-	[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
-	 the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
-%
-University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-UNIX enhancements aren't.
-%
-Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
-of more feet, just to be sure.
-		-- Eric Allman
-
-... We make rope.
-		-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory.
-%
-Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
-hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
-but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
-People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
-world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
-		-- E. Post
-		"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
-%
-Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
-		-- Donn Seeley
-%
-UNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver
-lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
-		-- Michael Jay Tucker
-%
-UNIX is many things to many people,
-but it's never been everything to anybody.
-%
-Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-		-- Berry Kercheval
-%
-Unix, n:
-	A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
-	impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
-	with the workstation harem.
-%
-unix soit qui mal y pense
-%
-UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
-would also stop you from doing clever things.
-	-- Doug Gwyn
-%
-Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
-%
-Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
-between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white
-and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
-		-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
-%
-Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
-of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
-a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
-be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
-time waste me.
-		-- William Shakespeare
-%
-Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
-		-- E.E. Cummings
-%
-Unnamed Law:
-	If it happens, it must be possible.
-%
-Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
-unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
-		-- Edward Gibbon
-%
-Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now
-pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-		-- H.L. Mencken
-%
-Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
-		-- Richard Amour
-%
-UNTOLD WEALTH:
-	What you left out on April 15th.
-%
-Up against the net, redneck mother,
-Mother who has raised your son so well;
-He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
-Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
-%
-Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
-or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
-noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Usage:  fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
-%
-Use a pun, go to jail.
-%
-Use an accordion.  Go to jail.
-		-- KFOG, San Francisco
-%
-Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
-if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
-		-- Henry Van Dyke
-%
-USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
-more labor and less oratory.
-		-- Elizabeth Haley
-%
-USER:
-	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
-%
-User hostile.
-%
-user, n:
-	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
-
-[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
- when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
-%
-Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
-		-- S.C. Johnson
-%
-Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-/usr/news/gotcha
-%
-Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
-		-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
-%
-VACATION:
-	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
-	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
-	life-style to recuperate.
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
-	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
-	Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
-
-Van Roy's Truism:
-	Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
-%
-Variables don't; constants aren't.
-%
-Vax Vobiscum
-%
-Vegetables are what food eats.
-Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
-Fish are fast moving vegetables.
-Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
-		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
-%
-Vegetarians beware!  You are what you eat.
-%
-Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
-	1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
-	2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
-%
-Veni, Vidi, VISA:
-	I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
-%
-Verba volant, scripta manent!
-%
-Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
-		-- E.F. Benson
-%
-Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The
-reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
-thirty-five.
-		-- Joel Hildebrand
-%
-Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
-%
-Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
-infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
-could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
-somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
-ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
-quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
-lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
-outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
-little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
-for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the
-screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
-is presumably working on it.
-%
-Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
-at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
-%
-VI:
-	A hungry dog hunts best.
-	A hungrier dog hunts even better.
-VII:
-	Decreased business base increases overhead.
-	So does increased business base.
-VIII:
-	The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
-	is fifth grade arithmetic.
-IX:
-	Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
-	possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D.
-X:
-	Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
-	People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-Victory uber allies!
-%
-Viking, n:
-	1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
-	entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
-	business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
-	2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
-	in the 9th century.
-
-Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
-only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
-property.
-%
-Vini, vidi, vici.
-[I came, I saw, I conquered].
-		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked
-violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
-ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
-issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
-%
-Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
-%
-Violence is molding.
-%
-Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-		-- Salvador Hardin
-%
-Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
-there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
-frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
-weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
-impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
-shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-VIRGINIA:
-	A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
-	baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
-	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
-sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
-fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
-	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
-	to ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
-	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
-	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
-	that old underwear you own.
-%
-Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
-only the willingness to make it when necessary.
-		-- Frederick Dunn
-%
-Virtue is its own punishment.
-		-- Denniston
-
-Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
-		-- Aneurin Bevan
-%
-Virtue is not left to stand alone.
-He who practices it will have neighbors.
-		-- Confucius
-%
-Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
-%
-Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
-%
-Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
-		-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
-%
-VMS, n:
-	The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
-%
-VMS version 2.0 ==>
-%
-Voicless it cries,
-Wingless flutters,
-Toothless bites,
-Mouthless mutters.
-%
-VOLCANO:
-	A mountain with hiccups.
-%
-Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
-And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
-And to him who's scientific
-There is nothing that's terrific
-In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
-		-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
-%
-Volley Theory:
-	It is better to have lobbed and lost
-	than never to have lobbed at all.
-%
-Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Von Neumann
-supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
-the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
-how to solve problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
-information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.  Von
-Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
-%
-Vote anarchist.
-%
-Vote early and vote often.
-		-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
-		campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926.  Big Bill won.
-%
-VUJA DE:
-	The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
-%
-Wad some power the giftie gie us
-To see oursels as others see us.
-		-- R. Browning
-%
-Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
-		-- Pericles
-%
-Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
-1st customer: "I'll have tea."
-2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
-	(Waiter exits, returns)
-Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
-%
-Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
-Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
-Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
-Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
-
-Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
-Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
-Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
-Make our country well again, respected by the world.
-
-Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
-Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
-Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
-Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
-		-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
-%
-Wake up and smell the coffee.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
-a capital crime.  For a first offense, that is.
-%
-Walk softly and carry a big stick.
-		-- Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
-		-- Jack Kerouac
-%
-Walt:	Dad, what's gradual school?
-Garp:	Gradual school?
-Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
-	gradual school.
-Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
-	find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
-		-- The World According To Garp
-%
-Walters' Rule:
-	All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
-	the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation
-	on a plane that left Gate 1.
-%
-Wanna buy a duck?
-%
-Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
-A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
-But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
-When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
-	black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
-
-Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
-The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
-They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
-So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
-	swimmin' pools; movie stars.
-%
-War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
-%
-War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-		-- Charles Edward Montague
-%
-War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
-%
-War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
-		-- Desiderius Erasmus
-%
-War is like love, it always finds a way.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
-%
-War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
-		-- Clemenceau
-%
-War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
-		-- Anacreon
-%
-WARNING:
-	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
-	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
-	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
-	of your favorite war.
-%
-WARNING!
-	This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
-A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
-user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
-to run.  The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
-to the desperation of the user.  Threatening the terminal with violence only
-aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
-entire system to go down.  Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
-it to core dump.  (They all belong to the same LAN.)  Keep cool and say nice
-things to the terminal.
-%
-Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
-Survivors will be shot again.
-%
-WARNING!!!
-This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
-
-A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
-operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
-machine.  The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
-to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence
-only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine
-may cause it to malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool
-and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work.
-
-See also: flog(1), tm(1)
-%
-Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
-In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
-There was a time they could cry over books,
-But time has set its maggot on their track.
-Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
-What's never known is safest in this life.
-Under the skysigns they who have no arms
-Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
-Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
-		-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
-%
-Washington, D.C.   Wasting your money since 1810.
-%
-Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
-%
-Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-		-- John F. Kennedy
-%
-[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
-the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
-		-- Ada Louise Huxtable
-%
-Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
-knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
-%
-Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
-		-- Euripides
-%
-Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
-%
-Wasting time is an important part of living.
-%
-Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
-%
-Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Watership Down:
-You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!
-%
-Watson's Law:
-	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
-	number and significance of any persons watching it.
-%
-WE:
-	The single most important word in the world.
-%
-We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on
-when it's necessary to compromise.
-	-- Larry Wall
-%
-We all declare for liberty, but in using the
-same word we do not all mean the same thing.
-		-- A. Lincoln
-%
-We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
-%
-We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
-%
-We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
-%
-We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
-		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
-%
-We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
-		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
-%
-We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
-whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
-is that it is not crazy enough.
-		-- Niels Bohr
-%
-We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
-before we are fit to participate in society.
-		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
-		Correct Behaviour"
-%
-We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
-%
-We are all born mad.  Some remain so.
-		-- Samuel Beckett
-%
-We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
-%
-We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
-		-- A. Schweitzer
-%
-We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
-		-- Ray Bradbury
-%
-We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
-		-- Whole Earth Catalog
-%
-We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
-		-- Pogo
-%
-We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
-	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
-%
-We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
-own facts.
-	-- Patrick Moynihan
-%
-We are each only one drop in a great
-ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
-%
-We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
-%
-We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
-dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
-		-- J.Hoover
-%
-We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
-socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
-thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
-		-- Fidel Castro
-%
-We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.
-Openness is futile.  Prepare to be assimilated.
-%
-We are not a clone.
-%
-We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
-		-- John Fisher
-%
-We are not alone.
-%
-We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
-rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
-		-- Victor Hugo
-%
-We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
-develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
-Manual.
-		-- Andrew Hume
-%
-We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
-%
-We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
-		-- Jonathon Swift
-%
-We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check
-the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
-
-This is a recording.
-%
-We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
-share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
-our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
-leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
-the substance that cast them.
-%
-We are the people our parents warned us about.
-%
-We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
-to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
-		-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
-%
-We are what we are.
-%
-We are what we pretend to be.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
-%
-We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
-		-- Yates
-%
-We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
-technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
-		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
-		-- Sir Francis Bacon
-%
-We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
-feet and go skating.
-		-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
-%
-We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
-take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
-forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
-into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
-beautiful Universe, Our home.
-		-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
-%
-We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
-		-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
-%
-We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company.
-%
-We don't care how they do it in New York.
-%
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-		-- James Watt, noted theologian
-%
-We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
-%
-We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
-%
-We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
-that it wasn't a fish.
-	-- Marshall McLuhan
-%
-We don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.
-		-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
-%
-We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-We don't need no indirection		We don't need no compilation
-We don't need no flow control		We don't need no load control
-No data typing or declarations		No link edit for external bindings
-Hey! did you leave the lists alone?	Hey! did you leave that source alone?
-Chorus:					(Chorus)
-	Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
-
-We don't need no side-effecting		We don't need no allocation
-We don't need no flow control		We don't need no special-nodes
-No global variables for execution	No dark bit-flipping for debugging
-Hey! did you leave the args alone?	Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
-(Chorus)				(Chorus)
-		-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
-%
-We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
-%
-We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
-		-- Walter Summers
-%
-We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
-understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
-%
-We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
-Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
-visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
-hammer.
-		-- Charles Darwin
-%
-We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
-		-- La Rochefoucauld
-%
-We gotta get out of this place,
-If it's the last thing we ever do.
-		-- The Animals
-%
-We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
-%
-We have art that we do not die of the truth.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
-%
-We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
-levels of destructiveness upon old ones.  We have done this helplessly,
-almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
-men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
-Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper.  And the result
-is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
-creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
-redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
-		-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
-%
-We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
-		-- Carl Sagan
-%
-We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-		-- Walt Kelly
-%
-We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
-than from the machinations of the wicked.
-%
-We have no scorched earth policy.
-We have a policy of scorched Communists.
-		-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
-%
-We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
-our children.
-%
-We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
-		-- Margaret Mead
-%
-We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.
-		-- John Berryman
-%
-We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
-%
-We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an official
-name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You
-may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another
-setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
-	Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
-your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
-process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
-of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
-mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
-would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
-police would find you.
-	You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
-%
-"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
-star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
-
-[3]  Why?  Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
-were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
-character.  But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
-after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
-acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
-letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest.  Later, while
-looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
-that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
-should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
-source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
-instead).  When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
-publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
-to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog.  Permission
-was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told.  I resisted the
-temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
-		-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
-%
-We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
-%
-We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary
-to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
-Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
-to crave knowledge.
-		-- George Will
-%
-We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
-of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
-the elephant, a huge tortoise.  If we will candidly confess the truth, we
-know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
-which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
-about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
-his about the support of the earth.  His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
-hypotheses are elephants.  Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
-pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
-by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
-feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
-		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
-%
-We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
-	-- Eric Hoffer
-%
-We love our little Johnny
-He's the best little boy in all the world
-And we wouldn't trade him for anything
-That's how much we love him.
-No, we couldn't live without him
-So that's why, since he died,
-We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
-He's so good, so well-behaved,
-Even better than before;
-Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
-Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
-Never miss our little Johnny,
-He'll never grow up and leave us
-That's why we love him like we do.
-		-- Mr. Mincemeat
-%
-"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
-free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
-show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
-our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
-		-- Cameron Hawley
-%
-We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
-than malnutrition.
-		-- Alex Comfort
-%
-We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
-intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start with?  Many people
-think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
-best.  It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
-the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
-and speak English.
-		-- Alan M. Turing
-%
-We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
-their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
-their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
-Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
-nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
-themselves about their relationship to God.  But all will agree on a
-proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources.  If, in addition,
-we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
-Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
-internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
-of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
-accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
-earth.
-		-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
-%
-We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever
-popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take
-under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light
-of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
-filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
-		-- Nolo News, summer 1989
-%
-We may not return the affection of those who like us,
-but we always respect their good judgement.
-%
-...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
-by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
-I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
-brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
-an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
-functions).  But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
-uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
-of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
-		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
-We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
-of a beautiful new world.  We will see it when we believe it.
-		-- Saul Alinsky
-%
-We must die because we have known them.
-		-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
-%
-We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess.  We must
-condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
-the formula 'art for art's sake.'  We must organize shock-brigades of
-chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
-for chess.
-		-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
-		   (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
-		   of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
-		   "Stalin," published London, 1939
-%
-...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
-we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
-in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
-the past.
-		-- Joseph Wood Krutch
-%
-We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
-the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
-is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
-		-- Walter Lippmann
-%
-We must remember the First Amendment which
-protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
-		-- F.G. Withington
-%
-We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
-the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
-children smart.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
-%
-We only acknowledge small faults in order
-to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
-		-- LaRouchefoucauld
-%
-We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
-originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
-forgotten its source.
-		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
-%
-We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
-rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
-%
-We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
-%
-We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
-content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
-		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-We read to say that we have read.
-%
-We really don't have any enemies.
-It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
-%
-We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
-		-- Thucydides
-%
-We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
-		-- Jean de la Bruyere
-%
-We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
-in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
-stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
-is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-We should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been
-born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
-out and shot.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
-taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
-themselves.
-		-- John Locke
-%
-We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.
-Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
-		-- Dennis Miller
-%
-We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square.
-		-- S.I. Hayakawa
-%
-We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
-remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
-the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
-the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
-states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
-These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
-want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
-they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
-who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
-		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
-%
-We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
-We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
-that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
-%
-We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
-ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
-preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
-and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
-of America.
-%
-We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
-size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
-fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
-are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
-
-EUPHEMISM			REALITY
--------------------		-------------------------
-Excited about life's journey	No concept of reality
-Spiritually evolved		Oversensitive
-Moody				Manic-depressive
-Soulful				Quiet manic-depressive
-Poet				Boring manic-depressive
-Sultry/Sensual			Easy
-Uninhibited			Lacking basic social skills
-Unaffected and earthy		Slob and lacking basic social skills
-Irreverent			Nasty and lacking basic social skills
-Very human			Quasimodo's best friend
-Swarthy				Sweaty even when cold or standing still
-Spontaneous/Eclectic		Scatterbrained
-Flexible			Desperate
-Aging child			Self-centered adult
-Youthful			Over 40 and trying to deny it
-Good sense of humor		Watches a lot of television
-%
-We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
-size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
-fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
-are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
-
-EUPHEMISM			REALITY
--------------------		-------------------------
-Independent thinker		Crazy
-High spirited			Crazy and hyperactive
-Free spirited			Crazy and irresponsible
-Outrageous			Crazy and obnoxious
-Exotic				Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
-Cuddly				Overweight
-Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque	Fat (there's a lot to love)
-Big and beautiful		Really Fat
-Fat 'n' sassy			Really Fat and loud
-Svelte/Slender			Anorexic
-Dynamic				Pushy
-Assertive			Pushy with a mean streak
-Feisty/Ambitious		Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
-Demanding			Will make your life a living hell
-Looking for Mr./Ms. Right	Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
-%
-We totally deny the allegations, and
-we're trying to identify the allegators.
-%
-We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
-There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
-borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
-		-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
-%
-[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
-		-- R.W. Hamming
-%
-We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
-depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
-		-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
-%
-We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh
-[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
-behind.  Well, he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around,
-but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The
-next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
-a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
-The empire made the only possible call.  "You're out, boy!" he says
-to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
-		-- Satchel Paige
-%
-We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we
-were married for four and a half years.
-		-- Nick Faldo
-%
-We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
-%
-We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
-If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
-		-- Crazy Jimmy
-%
-We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
-also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
-French restaurant. [...]
-	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
-white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
-boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
-bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
-rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
-there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
-	"Stop the car," the girl said.
-	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
-woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
-arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
-	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
-belle's for thee."
-	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
-Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
-onto my granola and faced a new day.
-		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
-		   Competition
-%
-We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
-tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
-extinction.
-		-- S.J. Gould
-%
-We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
-one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
-%
-we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
-we will cry over things we used to laugh &
-our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
-creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
-in the end a summer with wild winds &
-new friends will be.
-%
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-And a Sun Myung Moon!
-		-- Maxwell Smart
-%
-WEAPON:
-	An index of the lack of development of a culture.
-%
-Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Wedding, n:
-	A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
-	undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
-	supportable.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
-%
-Weed's Axiom:
-	Never ask two questions in a business letter.
-	The reply will discuss the one in which you are
-	least interested and say nothing about the other.
-%
-Weekend, where are you?
-%
-Weiler's Law:
-	Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
-%
-Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
-rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
-was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
-question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
-
-Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
-	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
-%
-Weinberg's First Law:
-	Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
-%
-Weinberg's Principle:
-	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
-	on to the grand fallacy.
-%
-Weinberg's Second Law:
-	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
-	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-%
-Weiner's Law of Libraries:
-	There are no answers, only cross references.
-%
-Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
-He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
-		-- Dean McLaughlin.
-%
-Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
-
-D    G    G    O
-
-O    Y    A    N
-
-A    D    B    T
-
-K    I    S    P
-Enter words:
->
-%
-Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
-The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
-		-- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Welcome to the Zoo!
-%
-Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
-use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
-demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
-sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
-can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
-the reader!  For example, the sentence
-
-	Jane went to the store to buy bread
-
-should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
-sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
-cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
-Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
-of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
-my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
-Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
-standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
-%
-Welcome to Utah.
-If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
-%
-Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
-that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
-all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
-James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
-women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
-*thousands* of words to say it.
-	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
-Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
-what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
-as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
-major world power.
-	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
-the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
-out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
-	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
-
-* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
-  nature and will kill you.
-* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
-night.  Live, on the Death label.
-		-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
-%
-Well begun is half done.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
-%
-Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
-%
-Well, don't worry about it...  It's nothing.
-		-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
-		   Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
-		   Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
-		   at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
-		   per hour, December 7, 1941.
-%
-Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
-Might as well have put it down the drain.
-Fancy giving money to the Government!
-Nobody will see the stuff again.
-Well, they've no idea what money's for --
-Ten to one they'll start another war.
-I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
-Fancy giving money to the Government!
-		-- A.P. Herbert
-%
-We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
-%
-Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
-to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
-		-- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
-of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a governor or
-mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
-reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
-Democratic presidential nomination.  These men will spend the next 18 months
-going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
-such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the
-Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
-is not the least bit interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who
-ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
-can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
-The headline screamed that I was still alive,
-I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
-I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
-In a little cantina that the boys had found,
-I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
-When along came a senorita,
-She looked so good that I had to meet her,
-I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
-When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
-And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
-Grow some funk of your own.
-We no like to with the gringo fight,
-But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
-...
-Take my advice, take the next flight,
-And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
-		-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
-%
-Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
-back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
-or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
-they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
-		-- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
-%
-Well, if you can't believe what you read
-in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
-		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
-%
-Well, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
-rights.
-		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
-%
-We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
-%
-WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
-	By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
-	assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
-%
-Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
-And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
-Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
-Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
-But the meanest thing that he ever did,
-Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
-...
-But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
-I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
-And kill the man that give me that awful name.
-It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
-I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
-Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
-At an old saloon on a street of mud,
-Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
-Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
-...
-Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
-From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
-And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
-		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
-%
-Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
-And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
-I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
-Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
-'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
-But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
-Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-		-- Core Dumped Blues
-%
-We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
-%
-Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
-And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
-But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
-And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
-%
-Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
-%
-Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
-		-- Joe E. Lewis
-%
-We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
-we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Well, we'll really have a party,
-but we've gotta post a guard outside.
-		-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
-%
-"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
-poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
-and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
-		-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
-%
-Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
-And we're loved everywhere we go.
-We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
-At ten thousand dollars a show.
-We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
-But the thrill we've never known,
-Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-
-I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
-Who embroiders on my jeans.
-I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
-Drivin' my limousine.
-Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
-But our minds won't be really be blown;
-Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-
-We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
-Who'll do anything we say.
-We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
-We got all the friends that money can buy,
-So we never have to be alone.
-And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-		-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
-		[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
-%
-"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
-higher meaning to all this.  It would certainly reflect well on you."
-%
-Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
-		-- Buckaroo Banzai
-%
-WELL-ADJUSTED:
-	The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
-%
-We
-own
-this land.
-
-I don't spend
-any time
-on this land.
-
-This
-is a tiny
-little piece
-
-of my
-business
-interests.
-
-It's like
-a grain
-of sand.
-	-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
-	   recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
-	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-We're all in this alone.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
-people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
-Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
-and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
-it's not going to do anything for you.
-		-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
-%
-We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
-things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
-and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
-		-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
-%
-We're happy little Vegemites,
-	As bright as bright can be.
-We all all enjoy our Vegemite
-	For breakfast, lunch and tea.
-%
-Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
-formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
-shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
-a grin.
-		-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
-%
-We're Knights of the Round Table
-We dance whene'er we're able
-We do routines and chorus scenes	We're knights of the Round Table
-With footwork impeccable		Our shows are formidable
-We dine well here in Camelot		But many times
-We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.	We're given rhymes
-					That are quite unsingable
-In war we're tough and able,		We're opera mad in Camelot
-Quite indefatigable			We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
-Between our quests
-We sequin vests
-And impersonate Clark Gable
-It's a busy life in Camelot.
-I have to push the pram a lot.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
-		-- D.W. Robertson.
-%
-We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
-but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
-then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?
-		-- Ensign Flandry
-%
-"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
-weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
-the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
-unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
-responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
-desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must
-learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
-short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
-		-- Don Juan
-%
-We're only in it for the volume.
-		-- Black Sabbath
-%
-Were there no women, men might live like gods.
-		-- Thomas Dekker
-%
-Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
-%
-Westheimer's Discovery:
-	A couple of months in the laboratory can
-	frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
-%
-Wethern's Law:
-	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
-%
-We've tried each spinning space mote
-And reckoned its true worth:
-Take us back again to the homes of men
-On the cool, green hills of Earth.
-
-The arching sky is calling
-Spacemen back to their trade.
-All hands!  Standby!  Free falling!
-And the lights below us fade.
-Out ride the sons of Terra,
-Far drives the thundering jet,
-Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
-Out, far, and onward yet--
-
-We pray for one last landing
-On the globe that gave us birth;
-Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
-And the cool, green hills of Earth.
-		-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
-%
-Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
-%
-What!?  Me worry?
-		-- A.E. Newman
-%
-What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
-by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
-Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
-		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
-%
-What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
-understand what a misfortune it is.
-	-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
-%
-What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.
-		-- WOP, "War Games"
-%
-What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.
-		-- Christopher Fry
-%
-What an artist dies with me!
-		-- Nero
-%
-What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
-back of a cheque.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-What awful irony is this?
-We are as gods, but know it not.
-%
-What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
-%
-What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
-%
-What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
-Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
-You and I know that a burden and a cross,
-Can only be carried on one man's back.
-		-- Louden Wainwright III
-%
-What did you bring that book I didn't want
-to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
-%
-What did you do when the ship sank?
-I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
-%
-What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I'd say a reasonable person
-is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
-that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is
-the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
-live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
-others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
-%
-What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.
-		-- Jerry Lester
-%
-What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
-Not enough sand.
-%
-What does education often do?
-It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
-		-- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
-%
-What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
-win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
-In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
-that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
-simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a
-base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second,
-a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
-activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
-the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate
-and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
-words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young
-Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
-conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
-Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
-and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
-		-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
-%
-What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-What ever happened to happily ever after?
-%
-What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?
-		-- Roger von Oech
-%
-What foods these morsels be!
-%
-What fools these morals be!
-%
-What fools these mortals be.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
-%
-What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down
-where you can find it.  Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
-%
-What good is a ticket to the good life,
-if you can't find the entrance?
-%
-What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
-		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
-%
-What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
-in his footsteps?
-%
-What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
-		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-What happened last night can happen again.
-%
-What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations
-involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
-be pretty bad.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-What happens to a dream deferred?
-Does it dry up
-Like a raisin in the sun?
-Or fester like a sore --
-And then run?
-Does it stink like rotten meat?
-Or crust and sugar over --
-Like a syrupy sweet?
-
-Maybe it just sags
-Like a heavy load.
-
-Or does it explode?
-		-- Langston Hughes
-%
-What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
-%
-What has roots as nobody sees,
-Is taller than trees,
-Up, up it goes,
-And yet never grows?
-%
-What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
-broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality
-is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-What I tell you three times is true.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
-%
-What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
-In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
-Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What if there had been room at the inn?
-		-- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
-%
-What is a magician but a practising theorist?
-		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
-%
-What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?
-		-- J.M. Barrie
-%
-What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
-them puke.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
-What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
-		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-What is good?  Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
-will to power, power itself.  What is bad?  Everything that is born of
-weakness.  Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
-but fitness.  The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
-our love of man.  And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
-What is more harmful than any vice?  Active pity for all the failures and
-all the weak: Christianity.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
-enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
-out of him.
-		-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
-%
-What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
-an accomplice.
-		-- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-What is love but a second-hand emotion?
-		-- Tina Turner
-%
-What is mind?  No matter.
-What is matter?  Never mind.
-		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
-%
-What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
-		-- Will Harvey
-%
-What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
-%
-What is status?
-	Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
-
-Uh, no...
-	Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
-	problem with him.
-
-Uh, that still ain't right...
-	STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
-	and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a
-	minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
-%
-What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
-It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
-establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
-%
-What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
-		-- Bertold Brecht
-%
-What is the sound of one hand clapping?
-%
-What is this line of duty, and suffering?  You are not supposed to suffer
-if you are an assassin.  The other person is supposed to suffer.
-		-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
-		   from outside Sinanju named Remo.
-%
-What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
-of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
-is the first law of nature.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-What is truth?  We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
-to be the truth.  A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
-may, therefore, be justified.  The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
-simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
-big thumping lie that will then be believed.
-		-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
-		British civilian morale, 1939
-%
-What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
-which is the exact opposite.
-		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
-%
-What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
-but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
-%
-What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither
-goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-		-- Jack Kerouac
-%
-What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
-is that there's nothing to compare it with.
-%
-What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
-is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
-%
-What makes you think graduate school
-is supposed to be satisfying?
-		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
-%
-What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
-%
-What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
-is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
-%
-What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
-A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-What on earth would a man do with himself
-if something did not stand in his way?
-		-- H.G. Wells
-%
-What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
-		-- John Lilly
-%
-What one fool can do, another can.
-		-- Ancient Simian Proverb
-%
-What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
-%
-What pains others pleasures me,
-At home am I in Lisp or C;
-There i couch in ecstasy,
-'Til debugger's poke i flee,
-Into kernel memory.
-In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
-Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
-%
-What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
-		-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
-%
-What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
-more than man's transparency.
-		-- George Nathan
-%
-What passes for woman's intuition
-is often nothing more than man's transparency.
-%
-What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
-It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
-and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
-and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs:  Yes,
-women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
-mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
-and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
-		-- Susan Gordon
-%
-What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
-of us ever have the courage to face:  and that is the child you once
-were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
-impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
-enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
-till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
-look peaceful?"  It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
-the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
-discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
-their grasp before they were five years old.
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-		-- U.K. LeGuin
-%
-What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
-		-- J.D. Farley
-%
-What segment's this, that, laid to rest
-On FHA0, is sleeping?
-What system file, lay here a while	This, this is "acct.run,"
-While hackers around it were weeping?	Accounting file for everyone.
-					Dump, dump it and type it out,
-					The file, the highseg of login.
-Why lies it here, on public disk
-And why is it now unprotected?
-A bug in incant, made it thus.		Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
-And copy the file somehow, somehow.	The problem has not been corrected.
-					Dump, dump it and type it out,
-					The file, the highseg of login.
-		-- to Greensleeves
-%
-What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
-%
-What soon grows old?  Gratitude.
-		-- Aristotle
-%
-What, still alive at twenty-two,
-A clean upstanding chap like you?
-Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
-Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
-Like enough, you won't be glad,
-When they come to hang you, lad:
-But bacon's not the only thing
-That's cured by hanging from a string.
-So, when the spilt ink of the night
-Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
-Lads whose job is still to do
-Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
-		-- Hugh Kingsmill
-%
-What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went
-around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
-%
-What the hell is it good for?
-		-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
-		   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
-		   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
-%
-What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
-%
-What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
-		-- Nikita Khruschev
-%
-What they said:
-	What they meant:
-
-"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
-	(Yes, that about sums it up.)
-"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
-	(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
-"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
-	(What a screw-up.)
-"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
-	(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
-"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
-a long way with his skills."
-	(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
-"You won't find many people like her."
-	(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
-"I cannot recommend him too highly."
-	(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
-	 felony in my presence.)
-%
-What they said:
-	What they meant:
-
-"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
-of him as I do."
-	(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
-"Her input was always critical."
-	(She never had a good word to say.)
-"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
-	(And it's nonexistent.)
-"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
-already has so many outstanding members."
-	(Unless you already have a moron.)
-"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
-one unbelievable result after another."
-	(And we didn't believe them, either.)
-"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
-	(In fact, to life in general...)
-%
-What they said:
-	What they meant:
-
-"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
-	(We certainly never succeeded.)
-There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
-	(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
-"Success will never spoil him."
-	(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
-"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
-	(And such a sigh of relief.)
-"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
-in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
-	(And his IQ, as well.)
-"He should go far."
-	(The farther the better.)
-"He will take full advantage of his staff."
-	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
-%
-What they say:				What they mean:
-
-A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board.
-Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident.
-Project behind original schedule due	We're working on something else.
-	to unforseen difficulties
-Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two.
-Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they'll be
-	assured					grateful for anything at all.
-Close project coordination		We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
-Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised!
-The design will be finalized...		We haven't started yet, but we've got
-						to say something.
-The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit.
-We're moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they're
-	approach				kicking it around.
-A number of different approaches...	We don't know where we're going, but
-						we're moving.
-Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on.
-	inconclusive
-Modifications are underway		We're starting over.
-%
-What they say:			What they mean:
-
-New				Different colors from previous version.
-All New				Not compatible with previous version.
-Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
-Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
-Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
-Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
-Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
-Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
-Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
-Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
-Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
-Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
-Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
-No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
-Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
-Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
-Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
-Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.
-%
-What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
-%
-What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
-%
-What time is it?
-I don't know, it keeps changing.
-%
-What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
-but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-What we Are is God's give to us.
-What we Become is our gift to God.
-%
-What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
-		-- Wittgenstein
-%
-What we do not understand we do not possess.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-What we need is either less corruption,
-or more chance to participate in it.
-%
-What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
-		-- John Lubbock
-%
-What we wish, that we readily believe.
-		-- Demosthenes
-%
-What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
-%
-What you don't know won't help you much either.
-		-- D. Bennett
-%
-What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
-your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
-your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
-powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
-with as you will.
-		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
-%
-What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
-something to occur to you.
-		-- Robert Frost
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to AST's.]
-%
-Whatever became of eternal truth?
-%
-Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
-cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
-nostrils as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while
-shredding hundred dollar bills."
-		-- Herb Caen
-%
-Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
-never succeed.
-		-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
-%
-Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
-performance.
-		-- Helen Lawrenson
-%
-Whatever happened to the good old days
-when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
-%
-Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
-Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
-		-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
-%
-Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
-		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
-as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.
-		-- Charlotte Whitton
-%
-Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
-you do it.
-		-- Gandhi
-%
-Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
-other people.
-		-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
-%
-Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
-%
-What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
-		-- Robert Altman
-%
-What's all this bru-ha-ha?
-%
-What's another word for "thesaurus"?
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-What's done to children, they will do to society.
-%
-What's page one, a preemptive strike?
-		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
-%
-What's so funny?
-%
-What's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
-with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-Some say your nose,
-Some say your toes,
-But I think it's your mind.
-		-- Frank Zappa, 1965
-%
-What's this stuff about people being "released on their
-own recognizance"?  Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
-%
-When a Banker jumps out of a window,
-jump after him -- that's where the money is.
-		-- Robespierre
-%
-When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
-%
-When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
-%
-When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
-the principle of the thing," it's the money.
-		-- Kim Hubbard
-%
-When a girl can read the handwriting on
-the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
-%
-When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
-inattentions of one.
-		-- Helen Rowland
-%
-When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
-the first lion thinks the last a bore.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-When a lot of remedies are suggested for
-a disease, that means it can't be cured.
-		-- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
-%
-When a man assumes a public trust, he
-should consider himself as public property.
-		-- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
-it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
-But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
-hour.  That's relativity.
-		-- Albert Einstein
-%
-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
-keep her.
-		-- Sacha Guitry
-%
-When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
-ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
-with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
-liar who has broken his promises.
-		-- Franklin Adams
-%
-When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
-%
-When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
-far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel
-is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
-		-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
-the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
-relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
-		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
-first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
-		-- Donnay
-%
-When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
-When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
-yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
-
-Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
-out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
-by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
-to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
-that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
-looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
-poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
-him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
-death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
-story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
-the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
-paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
-	-- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
-%
-When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
-interrupted service for one minute in his honor.  They've been
-honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
-		-- The Grab Bag
-%
-When all else fails, EAT!!!
-%
-When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
-the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
-knob.
-		-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
-%
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
-%
-When all other means of communication fail, try words.
-%
-When among apes, one must play the ape.
-%
-When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-		-- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
-%
-When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-		-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
-%
-When asked the definition of "pi":
-The Mathematician:
-	Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
-	circumference of a circle and its diameter.
-The Physicist:
-	Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
-The Engineer:
-	Pi is about 3.
-%
-When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
-%
-When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
-		-- Brian Aldiss
-%
-When choosing between two evils, I always
-like to take the one I've never tried before.
-		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
-%
-When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
-easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
-handle this?"
-%
-When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
-reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
-%
-When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
-%
-When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
-was bound to happen in a democratic system.  However, we National Socialists
-never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
-declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
-that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
-consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
-		-- Josef Goebbels
-%
-When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
-%
-When does later become never?
-%
-When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
-Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
-%
-When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
-		-- Gen. C. Abrams
-%
-When forecasting, give them a number
-or give them a date, but never both.
-%
-When God endowed human beings with brains,
-He did not intend to guarantee them.
-%
-When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to
-why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
-inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
-blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
-screaming.  Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
-stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
-himself to destruction.
-		-- George Plimpton
-%
-When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
-to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
-		-- Brendan Behan
-%
-When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
-He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
-		-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
-%
-when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
-in my sleep.
-like my grandfather.
-
-not screaming,
-like the passengers in his car...
-%
-When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.  A
-loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
-barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
-drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
-	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
-onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
-the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
-%
-When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
-and a willingness to compromise.
-		-- Weber cartoon caption
-%
-When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
-parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
-if i'm leaving.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
-then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I grow up, I want to be an honest
-lawyer so things like that can't happen.
-		-- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
-%
-When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women.  I
-shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
-what you like now."
-		-- Tolstoy
-%
-When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
-for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
-%
-When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
-%
-When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
-myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
-%
-When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
-to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
-		-- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
-I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
-to be seen again.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
-%
-When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
-it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-When I think about myself,
-I almost laugh myself to death,
-My life has been one great big joke,	Sixty years in these folks' world
-A dance that's walked			The child I works for calls me girl
-A song that's spoke,			I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
-I laugh so hard I almost choke		Too proud to bend
-When I think about myself.		Too poor to break,
-					I laugh until my stomach ache,
-					When I think about myself.
-My folks can make me split my side,
-I laughed so hard I nearly died,
-The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
-They grow the fruit,
-But eat the rind,
-I laugh until I start to crying,
-When I think about my folks.
-		-- Maya Angelou
-%
-When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
-By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
-%
-When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
-Now I'm beginning to believe it.
-		-- Clarence Darrow
-%
-When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
-I was an only child...  eventually.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
-all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
-It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
-I was an only child... eventually.
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
-woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
-		-- Robert Schuman
-%
-When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
-I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
-
-I tell ya I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
-picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
-say in front of girls.  Now you can say them.  But you can't say "girls".
-%
-When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
-I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
-of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A group of
-seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old.  "It is
-always so," my mother said.  "You do things together which not one of you
-would think of doing alone."  ...  Wherever one looks in the world of human
-organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
-The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
-to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
-together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
-		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
-%
-When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
-had to take drugs and go to concerts.
-		-- Steven Pearl
-%
-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
-or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
-remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to go to
-pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
-slept well.  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-When I works, I works hard.
-When I sits, I sits easy.
-And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
-%
-When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and
-the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
-the street and foreign presidents.  It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
-comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
-he's in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
-questions like a senator.
-		-- Muhammad Ali
-%
-When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-When in charge ponder,
-When in doubt mumble,
-When in trouble delegate.
-%
-When in doubt, do it.  It's much easier
-to apologize than to get permission.
-		-- Grace Murray Hopper
-%
-When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
-%
-When in doubt, follow your heart.
-%
-When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-When in doubt, lead trump.
-%
-When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
-		-- James H. Boren
-%
-When in doubt, tell the truth.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-When in doubt, use brute force.
-		-- Ken Thompson
-%
-When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
-		-- St. Ambrose
-%
-When in this world the headlines read
-Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
-Who rob and steal from those who need
-The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
-Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
-Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
-Fighting all who rob or plunder
-Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
-Underdog
-UNDERDOG!
-%
-When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
-%
-When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
-half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
-%
-When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
-%
-When it is not necessary to make a decision,
-it is necessary not to make a decision.
-%
-When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
-		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
-%
-When license fees are too high,
-users do things by hand.
-When the management is too intrusive,
-users lose their spirit.
-
-Hack for the user's benefit.
-Trust them; leave them alone.
-%
-When love is gone, there's always justice.
-And when justice is gone, there's always force.
-And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
-Hi, Mom!
-		-- Laurie Anderson
-%
-When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
-will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
-%
-When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.  When
-accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
-be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
-in.
-
-Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
-
-When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When accountants
-make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.  When
-senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
-solved.
-
-Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
-%
-When Marriage is Outlawed,
-Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
-%
-When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-When my brain begins to reel from my
-literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
-		-- Ignatius Reilly
-%
-When my fist clenches crack it open,
-Before I use it and lose my cool.
-When I smile tell me some bad news,
-Before I laugh and act like a fool.
-
-And if I swallow anything evil,
-Put you finger down my throat.
-And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
-Keep me warm let me wear your coat
-
-No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
-	to be the sad man.
-Behind blue eyes.
-No one knows what its like to be hated,
-	to be fated,
-To telling only lies.
-			-- The Who
-%
-When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
-at her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn't
-think she had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin
-wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not
-become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
-Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
-was and what I believed in.  Similarly, after talking to these young
-women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
-a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
-most unlikely of situations.
-		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
-%
-When neither their poverty nor their honor is
-touched, the majority of men live content.
-		-- Niccolo Machiavelli
-%
-When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
-%
-When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-		-- Dylan Thomas
-%
-When one knows women one pities men,
-but when one studies men, one excuses women.
-		-- Horne Tooke
-%
-When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
-she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
-it less and less."
-		-- Louise Andrews Kent
-%
-When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
-The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
-And Oxygen still had none
-Then Oxygen scored a single goal
-And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
-Called because of rain.
-%
-When people have trouble communicating,
-the least they can do is to shut up.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
-%
-When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
-%
-When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
-newspapers differed in their versions of the event.  This is from "Paris
-was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
-
-	Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
-	papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
-	favoring "Is it possible?"  What few reported were his dying words:
-	"But what kind of chauffeur was it?"  Having been told by his aides
-	not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
-	President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
-	how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
-	Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
-%
-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
-every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
-is away and you get twice as much done.
-		-- Daniel B. Luten
-%
-When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
-		-- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
-big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
-%
-When some people discover the truth, they just
-can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
-%
-When someone makes a move		We'll send them all we've got,
-Of which we don't approve,		John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
-Who is it that always intervenes?	Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
-U.N. and O.A.S.,			To the shores of Tripoli,
-They have their place, I guess,		But not to Mississippoli,
-But first, send the Marines!		What do we do?  We send the Marines!
-
-For might makes right,			Members of the corps
-And till they've seen the light,	All hate the thought of war:
-They've got to be protected,		They'd rather kill them off by
-						peaceful means.
-All their rights respected,		Stop calling it aggression--
-Till somebody we like can be elected.	We hate that expression!
-					We only want the world to know
-					That we support the status quo;
-					They love us everywhere we go,
-					So when in doubt, send the Marines!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
-%
-When someone says "I want a programming language in
-which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
-		-- Alan Perlis
-%
-When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
-		-- S. Johnson
-%
-When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
-%
-When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
-of asterisked sentences:
-
-	It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
-	And costs less than $1,300.**
-
-In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
-
-      * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all
-	this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
-	pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
-	will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
-	might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
-
-     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
-	you really want to.  Or less.
-		-- Forbes
-%
-When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
-		-- Turkish proverb
-%
-When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
-		-- Chinese proverb
-%
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
-talking about themselves.
-%
-When the candles are out all women are fair.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-When the cup is full, carry it level.
-%
-When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
-		-- Billy Sunday
-%
-When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
-muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
-%
-When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-		-- Lynch
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
-%
-When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-When the government bureau's remedies do not match
-your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
-%
-When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
-the problem, not the remedy.
-%
-When the Guru administers, the users
-are hardly aware that he exists.
-Next best is a sysop who is loved.
-Next, one who is feared.
-And worst, one who is despised.
-
-If you don't trust the users,
-you make them untrustworthy.
-
-The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
-When his work is done,
-the users say, "Amazing:
-we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
-%
-When the leaders speak of peace
-The common folk know
-That war is coming
-When the leaders curse war
-The mobilization order is already written out.
-
-Every day, to earn my daily bread
-I go to the market where lies are bought
-Hopefully
-I take my place among the sellers.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
-%
-When the lights are out, all women are fair.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
-the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
-nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
-like a nail.
-%
-When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-When the revolution comes, count your change.
-%
-When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
-if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone,"
-he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
-right."
-	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
-the wrong joke."
-%
-When the sun shineth, make hay.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
-stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
-from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
-set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
-bodies of a lower grade...
-		-- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
-he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
-seat." The man moaned, but did not budge.  "Sir," the user said more loudly,
-"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager."  The man moaned again but
-stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
-several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
-	The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
-what's your name?"
-	"Samuel," he mumbled.
-	"And where're you from, Sam?"
-	"The balcony."
-%
-When the wind is great, bow before it;
-when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
-%
-When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
-is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
-		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-When things go well, expect something to
-explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
-%
-When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
-most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
-that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
-continuously until death do them part.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-When users see one GUI as beautiful,
-other user interfaces become ugly.
-When users see some programs as winners,
-other programs become lossage.
-
-Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
-High level and assembler depend on each other.
-Double and float cast to each other.
-High-endian and low-endian define each other.
-While and until follow each other.
-
-Therefore the Guru
-programs without doing anything
-and teaches without saying anything.
-Warnings arise and he lets them come;
-processes are swapped and he lets them go.
-He has but doesn't possess,
-acts but doesn't expect.
-When his work is done, he deletes it.
-That is why it lasts forever.
-%
-When we are planning for posterity,
-we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
-		-- Thomas Paine
-%
-When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
-anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
-two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
-history of war have so few been led by so many.
-		-- General James Gavin
-%
-When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
-%
-When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
-as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
-%
-When we write programs that "learn",
-it turns out we do and they don't.
-%
-When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
-%
-When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
-when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
-even our virtues.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
-%
-When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
-of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
-proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
-goal.
-		-- Amrom Katz
-%
-When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
-when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
-		-- St. Ambrose
-%
-When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
-%
-When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
-something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
-your parents' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all
-the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
-vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will
-eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
-narrative.  So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
-will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
-But it isn't like that at all.  But if it isn't, where did the idea come
-from, to torture and unsettle us?
-		-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
-%
-When you become used to never being alone,
-you may consider yourself Americanized.
-%
-When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
-%
-When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
-		-- Brooke Shields
-%
-When you dig another out of trouble,
-you've got a place to bury your own.
-%
-When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
-%
-When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
-%
-When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
-Caaaall for Super Chicken   (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
-Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
-%
-When you find yourself in danger,
-When you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
-	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
-	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
-%
-When you find yourself in danger,
-When you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
-Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
-%
-When you get what you want in your struggle for self
-And the world makes you king for a day,
-Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
-And see what that man has to say.
-	For it isn't your father or mother or wife
-	Whose judgement upon you must pass;
-	The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
-	Is the one staring back from the glass.
-Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
-And call you a wonderful guy,
-But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
-If you can't look him straight in the eye.
-	He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
-	For he's with you clear up to the end,
-	And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
-	If the man in the glass is your friend.
-You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
-And get pats on the back as you pass,
-But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
-If you've cheated the man in the glass.
-%
-When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
-people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-		-- Norm Crosby
-%
-When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
-%
-When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
-remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
-%
-When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite
-answer to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have
-acted decisively.  In a way, the next move is up to him.
-		-- R.A. Lafferty
-%
-When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
-		-- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
-%
-When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
-moves the ground from beneath your feet.
-		-- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-When you live in a sick society,
-just about everything you do is wrong.
-%
-When you make your mark in the world,
-watch out for guys with erasers.
-		-- The Wall Street Journal
-%
-When you meet a master swordsman,
-show him your sword.
-When you meet a man who is not a poet,
-do not show him your poem.
-		-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
-%
-When you overesteem great hackers,
-more users become cretins.
-When you develop encryption,
-more users become crackers.
-
-The Guru leads
-by emptying user's minds
-and increasing their quotas,
-by weakening their ambition
-and toughening their resolve.
-When users lack knowledge and desire,
-management will not try to interfere.
-
-Practice not-looping,
-and everything will fall into place.
-%
-When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
-you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
-		-- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
-when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
-%
-When you try to make an impression, the
-chances are that is the impression you will make.
-%
-When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
-%
-When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
-When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
-%
-When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
-They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
-		-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
-%
-When your memory goes, forget it!
-%
-When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
-		-- Henry J. Kaiser
-%
-When you're a Yup
-You're a Yup all the way
-From your first slice of Brie
-To your last Cabernet.
-
-When you're a Yup
-You're not just a dreamer
-You're making things happen
-You're driving a Beamer.
-%
-When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
-Wretched, bored, dejected, only
-Here's the rub, my darling dear,
-I feel the same when you are hear.
-		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
-%
-When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
-		-- David Pryce-Jones
-%
-When you're dining out and you suspect
-something's wrong, you're probably right.
-%
-When you're down and out, lift up your
-voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
-%
-When you're in command, command.
-		-- Admiral Nimitz
-%
-When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
-you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
-of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
-		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
-%
-When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
-%
-When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
-%
-WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
-your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
-%
-Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
-some damn fool discovers something which either
-abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
-%
-WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
-laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle
-to become a parrot or something.
-		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
-%
-Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
-		-- Dave Parnas
-%
-Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
-to spend their weekends with?
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
-%
-Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
-a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
-		-- A. Lincoln
-%
-Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
-is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
-Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-	-- Jack Handey
-%
-Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
-	We people on the pavement looked at him:
-He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
-	Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
-And he was always quietly arrayed,
-	And he was always human when he talked;
-But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
-	"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
-And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
-	And admirably schooled in every grace:
-In fine, we thought that he was everything
-	To make us wish that we were in his place.
-So on we worked, and waited for the light,
-	And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
-And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
-	Went home and put a bullet through his head.
-		-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
-%
-Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
-you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
-%
-Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
-is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
-on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Whenever you find that you are on the
-side of the majority, it is time to reform.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
-weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
-and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
-		-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
-%
-Where am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I
-%
-Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
-%
-WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
-	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
-	When it's converted to energy?
-	There is a slight loss of parity.
-	Johnny's so long at the fair.
-%
-Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
-		-- Karl Kraus
-%
-Where do you go to get anorexia?
-		-- Shelley Winters
-%
-Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
-is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Where is John Carson now that we need him?
-		-- RLG
-%
-Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
-examine the laws of heat.
-		-- Christopher Morley
-%
-Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
-Why did you leave me here all alone?
-I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
-You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
-
-Gloom, despair and agony on me.
-Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
-If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
-Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
-		-- Hee Haw
-%
-Where, oh where, are you tonight?
-Why did you leave me here all alone?
-I searched the world over,
-And I thought I'd found true love,
-You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
-		-- Hee Haw
-%
-Where the hell is Wall Drug?
-%
-Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
-%
-Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
-in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-%
-Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-Where there's a whip there's a way.
-%
-Where there's a will, there's a relative.
-%
-Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
-%
-Where will it all end?
-Probably somewhere near where it all began.
-%
-Where you stand depends on where you sit.
-		-- Rufus Miles, HEW
-%
-Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
-		-- Wittgenstein
-%
-Where's the man could ease a heart
-Like a satin gown?
-		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
-%
-...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
-spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
-		-- Richard Shelton
-%
-Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
-Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
-Go on, do not rest.
-		-- An old Gujarati hymn
-%
-Whether you can hear it or not,
-The Universe is laughing behind your back.
-%
-Which would you rather have, a bursting
-planet or an earthquake here and there?
-		-- John Joseph Lynch
-%
-While anyone can admit to themselves they were
-wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
-%
-While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
-The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
-While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
-And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
-Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
-The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-		-- Robert Burns,
-		Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
-%
-While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
-The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
-While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
-And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
-Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
-The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
-%
-While having never invented a sin,
-I'm trying to perfect several.
-%
-While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
-Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat hostile,
-began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
-lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
-define a Clint Eastwood picture.  "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
-a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
-		-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
-%
-While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
-As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
-		-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to hardware interrupts.]
-
-And now I see with eye serene
-The very pulse of the machine.
-		-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
-
-	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
-	 referring to software interrupts.]
-%
-While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
-lets you choose your own form of misery.
-%
-While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
-%
-While most peoples' opinions change,
-the conviction of their correctness never does.
-%
-While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
-held a gun to his head.
-	"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
-	The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
-as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
-	"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
-	Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
-his head.  "Go ahead and shoot."
-%
-While there's life, there's hope.
-		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-While walking down a crowded
-City street the other day,
-I heard a little urchin
-To a comrade turn and say,
-"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
-I'd be happy as a clam
-If only I was de feller dat
-Me mudder t'inks I am.
-
-"She t'inks I am a wonder,		My friends, be yours a life of toil
-An' she knows her little lad		Or undiluted joy,
-Could never mix wit' nuttin'		You can learn a wholesome lesson
-Dat was ugly, mean or bad.		From that small, untutored boy.
-Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink	Don't aim to be an earthly saint
-How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz!		With eyes fixed on a star:
-If a feller was de feller		Just try to be the fellow that
-Dat his mudder t'inks he is."		Your mother thinks you are.
-		-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
-%
-While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
-		-- Dean Rusk
-%
-While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
-still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
-%
-While you recently had your problems on the run,
-they've regrouped and are making another attack.
-%
-While your friend holds you affectionately by both
-your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
-%
-Whip it, whip it good!
-%
-Whistler's Law:
-	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
-%
-Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
-%
-White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
-%
-White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
-so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
-%
-Whitehead's Law:
-	The obvious answer is always overlooked.
-%
-White's Statement:
-	Don't lose heart!
-
-Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
-	...they might want to cut it out...
-
-Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
-	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
-%
-Who are you?
-%
-Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
-		-- Nathan Pusey
-%
-Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with
-our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
-%
-Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
-		-- Hattie McDaniel
-%
-Who does not love wine, women, and song,
-Remains a fool his whole life long.
-		-- Johann Heinrich Voss
-%
-Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
-		-- Lao Tsu
-%
-Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
-		-- Thomas Tusser
-%
-Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
-%
-Who is John Galt?
-%
-Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
-%
-Who loves me will also love my dog.
-		-- John Donne
-%
-Who loves not wisely but too well
-Will look on Helen's face in hell,
-But he whose love is thin and wise
-Will view John Knox in Paradise.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Who made the world I cannot tell;
-'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
-My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
-I never soiled with such a deed.
-		-- A.E. Housman
-%
-Who needs companionship when you
-can sit alone in your room and drink?
-%
-Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
-No, no, you SINGE 'em!  You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
-%
-Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-		-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
-%
-Who to himself is law no law doth need,
-offends no law, and is a king indeed.
-		-- George Chapman
-%
-Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
-%
-Who was that masked man?
-%
-Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
-%
-"WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
-It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
-%
-Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
-become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
-into you.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
-become a monster.  And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
-looks into you.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
-pure in heart can make a good soup.
-		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
-%
-Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
-%
-Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
-%
-Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
-		-- Bernard Levin
-%
-Who's on first?
-%
-Who's scruffy-looking?
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
-Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
-%
-Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
-		-- Paul Simon
-%
-Why are programmers non-productive?
-Because their time is wasted in meetings.
-
-Why are programmers rebellious?
-Because the management interferes too much.
-
-Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
-Because they are burnt out.
-
-Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
-		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Why are you so hard to ignore?
-%
-Why are you watching
-The washing machine?
-I love entertainment
-So long as it's clean.
-
-Professor Doberman:
-	While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
-pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
-improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
-experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
-must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
-fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one
-receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
-been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
-meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
-suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
-implications.
-%
-Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
-		-- Erik Satie
-%
-Why be a man when you can be a success?
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
-%
-Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
-%
-Why be difficult, when, with just a
-little more effort, you can be impossible?
-%
-Why bother building anymore nuclear
-warheads until we use the ones we have?
-%
-Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
-movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
-%
-Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
-What's the Latin for office automation?
-%
-Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
-meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it
-doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
-corner."
-%
-Why do seagulls live near the sea?
-'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
-%
-Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
-It's quite uncanny.
-%
-Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
-%
-Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
-%
-Why do we want intelligent terminals
-when there are so many stupid users?
-%
-Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
-		-- Carl Sandburg
-%
-Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
-%
-Why does man kill?  He kills for food.
-And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
-		-- Jimmy Durante
-%
-Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
-We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
-we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
-pet coon.  This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
-pay the fiddler.
-	-- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
-		-- Alan Shepard, the first American in space
-%
-Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
-kissed her cow.
-		-- Rabelais
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
-	-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
-	-- None of my socks match.
-	-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
-	-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
-	-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
-	-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
-	-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
-	-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
-		named Basil Metabolism.
-	-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
-	-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
-	-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
-	-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
-	-- I feel a song coming on.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
-	-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
-	-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
-	-- I'm trying to be less popular.
-	-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
-	-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
-	-- My subconscious says no.
-	-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
-		can't seem to put it down.
-	-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
-	-- I have to study for my blood test.
-	-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
-	-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
-	-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
-	-- I have to floss my cat.
-	-- I've dedicated my life to linguine.
-	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-	-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-	-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
-	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-	-- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
-	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
-	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
-	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
-	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
-	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
-	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
-	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
-	-- I have to bleach my hare.
-	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
-	-- I left my body in my other clothes.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
-	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
-	-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
-	-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
-	-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
-	-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
-	-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
-	-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
-	-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
-	-- My crayons all melted together.
-%
-Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
-%
-Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
-%
-Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
-It is because we are not the person involved.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Why isn't there some cheap and easy
-way to prove how much she means to me?
-%
-Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
-are another's.
-		 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
-%
-Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
-not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
-Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
-do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
-me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
-I can't think why not.
-		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
-		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
-%
-Why not go out on a limb?
-Isn't that where the fruit is?
-%
-Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
-fresh one for a quarter of the price?
-%
-Why was I born with such contemporaries?
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
-wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
-unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?  Is it
-not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of ignorant
-beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
-incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
-into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
-needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
-origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
-we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
-parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
-eternity for his faithlessness.
-		-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
-		   Fortnightly Review, 1876
-%
-Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
-		-- Tom Ryan
-%
-Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
-%
-Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
-		-- The Tasmanian Devil
-%
-Wiker's Law:
-	Government expands to absorb all
-	available revenue and then some.
-%
-Wilcox's Law:
-	A pat on the back is only a few
-	centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-%
-Will Rogers never met you.
-%
-Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
-That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
-%
-Will your long-winded speeches never end?
-What ails you that you keep on arguing?
-		-- Job 16:3
-%
-William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-	Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice
-should never be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.
-Verbs have to agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if
-you words out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
-great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A
-writer must not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence
-with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
-to end a sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place
-pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
-or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling
-participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a
-sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid
-mixing metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone
-should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
-their writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always
-follows the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
-seek viable alternatives.
-%
-Williams and Holland's Law:
-	If enough data is collected,
-	anything may be proven by statistical methods.
-%
-Willie in the cauldron fell;		Willie saw some dynamite,
-See the grief on mother's brow;		Couldn't understand it quite;
-Mother loved her darling well --	Curiosity never pays:
-Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.	It rained Willie seven days.
-
-Little Willie with a shout,		William in a nice new sash,
-Gouged the baby's eyeballs out;		Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
-Stamped on them to make them pop.	Now, although the room grows chilly,
-Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"	I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
-
-William with a thirst for gore,		Little Willie mean as hell,
-Nailed the baby to the door.		Threw his sister in the well!
-Mother said, with humor quaint:		Said his mother when drawing water,
-"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."	'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
-		-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
-%
-Wilner's Observation:
-	All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
-%
-Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.
-		-- Vince Lombardi
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
-%
-Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
-If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
-head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
-		-- Robert Byrne
-%
-Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
-as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
-%
-[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
-hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
-		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
-%
-Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
-		-- J. Winter Smith
-%
-Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
-%
-Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-		-- Frank Tyger
-%
-WIT:
-	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
-	by leaving it out.
-%
-With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-%
-With all the fancy scientists in the world,
-why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
-%
-With all the talent around, it's sort of
-amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
-		-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
-%
-With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
-%
-With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
-they make a law it's a joke.
-		-- W. Rogers
-%
-With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
-miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
-and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
-is no such thing as progress.
-		-- Ransom K. Ferm
-%
-With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
-she lies.  And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
-		-- Tolstoy
-%
-With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
-%
-With reasonable men I will reason;
-with humane men I will plead;
-but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
-		-- William Lloyd Garrison
-%
-With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
-celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
-party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
-eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
-parties.
-	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
-strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
-your G.P.A.?"
-	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
-the city and forty on the highway."
-%
-With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
-celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
-party.  Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
-eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
-parties.
-	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
-strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
-you G.P.A.?"
-	Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
-twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
-%
-With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
-it.  I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
-close.  Like catching snakes.
-		-- Marlon Brando
-%
-Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
-%
-Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
-community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
-keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
-Union.  I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
-we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
-I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
-them again -- and this time we'd use it.
-		-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
-		White House's National Security Council, Washington
-		Post, 21 March, 1982
-%
-Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
-		-- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
-way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
-indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
-important to him than his table or his white robe.
-		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
-%
-Without fools there would be no wisdom.
-%
-Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
-%
-Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
-%
-Without love intelligence is dangerous;
-without intelligence love is not enough.
-		-- Ashley Montagu
-%
-With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
-		-- Pink Floyd
-%
-Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
-Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
-The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-		-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
-%
-Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.  Hundred billion
-bottles washed up on the shore.  Seems I never noted being alone.
-Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
-%
-WOLF:
-	A man who knows all the ankles.
-%
-WOMAN:
-	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
-	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
-		-- Bierce
-%
-Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
-Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
-%
-Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
-want to own one.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-		-- Dumas
-%
-Woman is generally so bad that the difference
-between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
-		-- Tolstoy
-%
-Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
-Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
-			I shall be sober in the morning.
-%
-Woman was God's second mistake.
-		-- Nietzsche
-%
-Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
-out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
-equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
-that he might love her.
-		-- Henry
-%
-Woman would be more charming if one could
-fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
-		-- Cervantes
-%
-Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
-they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
-		-- Warren Beatty
-%
-Women are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk:
-once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
-marriage certificates, and defy you.
-		-- Jerrold
-%
-Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
-from charity, or revenge?
-		-- Gustave Vapereau
-%
-Women are just like men, only different.
-%
-Women are like elephants to me: I like to
-look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
-		-- Herold
-%
-Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
-		-- Napoleon
-%
-Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
-		-- Stephens
-%
-Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
-		-- Pogo
-%
-Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
-but it takes more of them to do it.
-%
-Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two
-categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
-		-- Ann Landers
-%
-Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
-as good as any other.
-		-- Philippe De Remi
-%
-Women give themselves to God when the
-Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
-		-- Arnould
-%
-Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly;
-but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
-crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
-		-- Ansey
-%
-Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
-In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
-original earth clinging to the roots.
-		-- Bierce
-%
-Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
-than men who reason with the head.
-		-- DeLescure
-%
-Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
-but never a man who misses one.
-		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
-%
-Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship
-us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
-them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
-than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-Women waste men's lives and think they have
-indemnified them by a few gracious words.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women, when they are not in love, have all
-the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
-always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
-%
-Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
-not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
-graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
-		-- Amiel
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
-%
-Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
-and philosophy begins in wonder.
-		Socrates, quoting Plato
-%
-Wonderful day.
-Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
-%
-Woodward's Law:
-	A theory is better than its explanation.
-%
-Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
-        Let's just cut to the happy ending.
-		-- Cheers, Airport V
-
-Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
-Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
-		-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
-
-Sam:  Beer, Norm?
-Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
-		-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
-Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
-		-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
-
-Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
-Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
-		-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
-
-Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
-Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
-		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
-Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
-		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that
-       swallowed the canary.
-Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
-		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
-		-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
-Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
-		-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
-
-Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
-Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
-		-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
-		-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
-%
-Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Poor.
-Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
-Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
-		-- Cheers, The Proposal
-
-Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
-Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
-		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-%
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
-		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office
-
-Sam:  How's life treating you?
-Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
-		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
-
-Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
-Woody:  For a beer?
-Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
-		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
-%
-Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
-
-Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
-Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
-       Eh, make that one-thirty.
-		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-%
-Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
-	People would rather live with a problem they cannot
-	solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
-%
-Words are the voice of the heart.
-%
-Words can never express what words can never express.
-%
-Words have a longer life than deeds.
-		-- Pindar
-%
-Words must be weighed, not counted.
-%
-WORK:
-	The blessed respite from screaming kids and
-	soap operas for which you actually get paid.
-%
-Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
-Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Work continues in this area.
-		-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
-%
-Work expands to fill the time available.
-		-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
-%
-Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
-the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
-to do so.
-		-- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
-		-- Schulz
-%
-Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-		-- Mike Romanoff
-%
-Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
-a handshake, and have fun.
-		-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
-		   shortly before dying at the age of 86.
-%
-Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
-%
-Work without a vision is slavery,
-Vision without work is a pipe dream,
-But vision with work is the hope of the world.
-%
-Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
-a valentine.
-		-- Christopher Plummer
-%
-World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
-since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning:  "There is no more evil
-thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately
--- it is the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds
-together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
-error in the world."
-		-- Sydney Harris
-%
-Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
-It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-%
-Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
-	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Month of the Year:
-	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
-	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
-	don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Vegetable of the Year:
-	Brussel sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
-		-- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worth seeing?
-Yes, but not worth going to see.
-%
-Worthless.
-		-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
-		   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
-		   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
-		   "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
-		   15, 1842.
-%
-WOTD:
-
-       `
-
-%
-Would it help if I got out and pushed?
-		-- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
-		-- Alfieri
-%
-Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
-%
-Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
-%
-Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
-%
-Would you like to be tried in court by people
-who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
-%
-Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
-%
-Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
-"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
-a turn-on?
-		-- "Broadcast News"
-%
-Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
-		-- Anonymous
-%
-Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
-%
-WRITE-PROTECT TAB:
-	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
-	left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
-	message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
-	the momentary inconvenience.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-write-protect tab, n:
-	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
-	by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message
-	once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
-	inconvenience.
-		-- Robb Russon
-%
-Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
-witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results
-from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
-Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
-and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped
-make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th
-century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
-Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
-PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult
-holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it
-is itself the one hope for salvation.
-		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
-%
-Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
-paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
-		-- Gene Fowler
-%
-Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
-		-- J.P. Donleavy
-%
-Writing software is more fun than working.
-%
-WRONG!
-%
-WYSIWYG:
-	What You See Is What You Get.
-%
-X windows:
-	Accept any substitute.
-	If it's broke, don't fix it.
-	If it ain't broke, fix it.
-	Form follows malfunction.
-	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
-	The trailing edge of software technology.
-	Armageddon never looked so good.
-	Japan's secret weapon.
-	You'll envy the dead.
-	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
-	Let it get in YOUR way.
-	The problem for your problem.
-	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
-	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
-	Simplicity made complex.
-	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
-	Flakey and built to stay that way.
-
-One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
-	X windows.
-%
-X windows:
-	It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
-	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
-	Built to take on the world... and lose!
-	Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
-	Power tools for Power Fools.
-	Putting new limits on productivity.
-	The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
-	Design by counterexample.
-	A new level of software disintegration.
-	No hardware is safe.
-	Do your time.
-	Rationalization, not realization.
-	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
-	Gratuitous incompatibility.
-	Your mother.
-	THE user interference management system.
-	You can't argue with failure.
-	You haven't died 'til you've used it.
-
-The environment of today... tomorrow!
-	X windows.
-%
-X windows:
-	Something you can be ashamed of.
-	30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
-	The first fully modular software disaster.
-	Rome was destroyed in a day.
-	Warn your friends about it.
-	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
-	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
-	Don't wait for the movie.
-	Never use it after a big meal.
-	Need we say less?
-	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
-	It'll make your day.
-	Don't get frustrated without it.
-	Power tools for power losers.
-	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
-	Never had it.  Never will.
-	The software with no visible means of support.
-	More than just a generation behind.
-
-Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
-	X windows.
-%
-X windows:
-	The ultimate bottleneck.
-	Flawed beyond belief.
-	The only thing you have to fear.
-	Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
-	On autopilot to oblivion.
-	The joke that kills.
-	A disgrace you can be proud of.
-	A mistake carried out to perfection.
-	Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
-	To err is X windows.
-	Ignorance is our most important resource.
-	Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
-	Built to fall apart.
-	Nullifying centuries of progress.
-	Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
-	The last thing you need.
-	The defacto substandard.
-
-Elevating brain damage to an art form.
-	X windows.
-%
-X windows:
-	We will dump no core before its time.
-	One good crash deserves another.
-	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
-	We make excuses.
-	It didn't even look good on paper.
-	You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
-	A new concept in abuser interfaces.
-	How can something get so bad, so quickly?
-	It could happen to you.
-	The art of incompetence.
-	You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
-	When uselessness just isn't enough.
-	More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
-	When you can't afford to be right.
-	And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
-
-If it works, it isn't X windows.
-%
-X windows:
-	You'd better sit down.
-	Don't laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project.
-	Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
-	Live the nightmare.
-	Our bugs run faster.
-	When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
-	There ARE no rules.
-	You'll wish we were kidding.
-	Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more.
-	Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
-	There's got to be a better way.
-	The next best thing to keypunching.
-	Leave the thrashing to us.
-	We wrote the book on core dumps.
-	Even your dog won't like it.
-	More than enough rope.
-	Garbage at your fingertips.
-
-Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness.
-	X windows.
-%
-Xerox does it again and again and again and...
-%
-Xerox never comes up with anything original.
-%
-XEROX never does anything original.
-%
-XI:
-	If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
-	get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
-	times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
-	the managers would fly off.
-XII:
-	It costs a lot to build bad products.
-XIII:
-	There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
-	There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to
-	intermingle the two.
-XIV:
-	After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will
-	be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
-	of every airplane's weight.
-XV:
-	The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
-	and two-thirds of the problems.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XLI:
-	The more one produces, the less one gets.
-XLII:
-	Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
-XLIII:
-	Hardware works best when it matters the least.
-XLIV:
-	Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
-	direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
-	additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
-XLV:
-	One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
-	unexpected should have been expected.
-XLVI:
-	A billion saved is a billion earned.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XLVII:
-	Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other
-	third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
-XLVIII:
-	The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
-	less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
-	Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
-	until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
-XLIX:
-	Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
-L:
-	The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
-	chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
-	as long as the official's who created it.
-LI:
-	By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
-	government workers than there are workers.
-LII:
-	People working in the private sector should try to save money.
-	There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
-they leave to the imagination is the plot.
-%
-XVI:
-	In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
-	aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
-	Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
-	made available to the Marines for the extra day.
-XVII:
-	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
-	and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
-XVIII:
-	It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon
-	to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
-	ten degradation accomplished.
-XIX:
-	Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
-	be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
-XX:
-	In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
-	approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
-	administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXI:
-	It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
-XXII:
-	If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
-	not selling advice.
-XXIII:
-	Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
-	currently estimated.
-XXIV:
-	The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
-	established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
-	costly action known to man.
-XXV:
-	A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
-	or a new canvas to an artist.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXVI:
-	If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
-	other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
-XXVII:
-	Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank.
-XXVIII:
-	It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
-XXIX:
-	Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
-	jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results
-	hang on about half a decade.
-XXX:
-	By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
-	the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXXI:
-	The optimum committee has no members.
-XXXII:
-	Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
-	turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
-XXXIII:
-	Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
-XXXIV:
-	The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
-	is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
-	randomly.
-XXXV:
-	The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
-	the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
-	the data authenticity.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXXVI:
-	The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
-	contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the
-	proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
-	at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
-XXXVII:
-	Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
-	The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
-XXXVIII:
-	The early bird gets the worm.
-	The early worm ... gets eaten.
-XXXIX:
-	Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
-	the year -- in either direction.
-XL:
-	Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
-		-- Norman Augustine
-%
-Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
-%
-Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
-goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
-their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
-unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
-doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
-		-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
-%
-Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
-rays and became a tangent ?
-%
-Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.
-		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-Yea from the table of my memory
-I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
-		-- Hamlet
-%
-Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
-%
-Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
-a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
-%
-Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's lead,
-the rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I'm
-a private eye.
-		-- Calvin
-%
-Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
-but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
-%
-YEAR:
-	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-%
-Year  Name				James Bond	Book
-----  --------------------------------	--------------	----
-50's  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson
-1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958
-1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957
-1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959
-1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961
-1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954
-1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964
-1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963
-1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956
-1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955
-1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965
-1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette)
-1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955
-1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
-1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965
-1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery
-1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
-1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette)
-	* -- Not a Broccoli production.
-%
-Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
-%
-Yes, but which self do you want to be?
-%
-Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
-L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
-And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
-Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
-But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
-Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
-I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
-		-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
-%
-Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
-%
-Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
-that order.
-		-- Jeffrey Honig
-%
-Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.
-Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
-Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
-		-- Snoopy
-%
-Yesterday upon the stair
-I met a man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today --
-I think he's from the CIA.
-%
-Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
-astonishin' things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God
-I'm not respectable.
-		-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
-%
-Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
-feet.
-		-- John Cheever
-%
-Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
-%
-YINKEL:
-	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
-	hoping no one will notice.
-		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
-%
-You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
-%
-You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
-spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
-%
-You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
-%
-You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
-%
-You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
-use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
-the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
-moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
-%
-You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
-		-- Philip Whalen
-%
-You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You are always busy.
-%
-You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
-%
-You are an insult to my intelligence!
-I demand that you log off immediately.
-%
-You are as I am with You.
-%
-You are capable of planning your future.
-%
-You are confused; but this is your normal state.
-%
-You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
-%
-You are destined to become the commandant of the
-fighting men of the department of transportation.
-%
-You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
-%
-You are fairminded, just and loving.
-%
-You are false data.
-%
-You are farsighted, a good planner,
-an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
-%
-You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
-%
-You are going to have a new love affair.
-%
-You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
-%
-You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
-%
-You are in the hall of the mountain king.
-%
-You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
-%
-You are loved by the multitudes.
-Have you been to the clinic lately?
-%
-You are magnetic in your bearing.
-%
-You are never given a wish without also being given the
-power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.
-		-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
-		the Advanced Soul"
-%
-You are not a fool just because you have done
-something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
-%
-You are not dead yet.
-But watch for further reports.
-%
-You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
-forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are
-avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
-Please set your clocks back 200 years.
-%
-You are number 6!  Who is number one?
-%
-"You are old, father William," the young man said,
-	"And your hair has become very white;
-And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
-	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
-
-"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
-	"I feared it might injure the brain;
-But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
-	Why, I do it again and again."
-
-"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
-	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
-Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
-	Pray what is the reason of that?"
-
-"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
-	"I kept all my limbs very supple
-By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
-	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
-	For anything tougher than suet;
-Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
-	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
-
-"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
-	And argued each case with my wife;
-And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
-	Has lasted the rest of my life."
-
-"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
-	That your eye was as steady as ever;
-Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
-	What made you so awfully clever?"
-
-"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
-	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
-Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
-	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
-%
-You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
-%
-You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
-Therefore you have few friends.
-%
-You are sick, twisted and perverted.
-I like that in a person.
-%
-You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
-%
-"You are *so* lovely."
-"Yes."
-"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
-%
-You are standing on my toes.
-%
-You are taking yourself far too seriously.
-%
-You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
-points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
-attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
-chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
-gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
-rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
-trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
-vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
-long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
-dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
-head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
-are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
-transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
-to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
-
-You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
-That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
-To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
-%
-You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
-but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
-%
-You ask what a nice girl will do?
-She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
-		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
-%
-You attempt things that you do not even plan
-because of your extreme stupidity.
-%
-You auto buy now.
-%
-"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
-"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
-	 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
-%
-You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
-%
-You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
-peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill.  In the
-municipal courts, he will cost you ten.  In the circuit or superior
-courts, he wants fifteen.  The state appellate courts or the state
-supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts.  By the time a judge
-reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
-between the ears.  He's heavy.  You can't buy a Federal judge for less
-than a twenty-dollar bill.
-		-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
-%
-You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
-		-- Tim Leary
-%
-You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
-%
-You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
-They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
-%
-You can be replaced by this computer.
-%
-You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
-		-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
-%
-You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
-doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-		-- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
-%
-You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
-doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
-%
-You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane.  And you
-know what happens?  At the very moment they cross those mountains...
-they go mad.  Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
-they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
-		-- Quentin Genter
-%
-You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
-		-- Boris Yeltsin
-%
-You can cage a swallow, can't you,
-	but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
-Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
-	finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
-A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
-		-- The Palindromist
-%
-You can create your own opportunities this week.
-Blackmail a senior executive.
-%
-You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
-		-- Janis Joplin
-%
-You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
-Why do you find that funny?
-		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
-%
-You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
-Why do you find that funny?
-		-- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
-%
-You can do very well in speculation where
-land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
-%
-You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
-%
-You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
-and the budget is big enough.
-		-- Joseph E. Levine
-%
-You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
-of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
-%
-You can fool some of the people all of the time,
-and all of the people some of the time,
-but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
-%
-You can fool some of the people some of the time,
-and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
-%
-You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
-%
-You can get everything in life you want,
-if you will help enough other people get what they want.
-%
-You can get much further with a kind word and a
-gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-		-- Al Capone
-		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]
-%
-You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
-%
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-%
-You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
-You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
-
-(chorus)	Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
-		Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
-
-You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
-You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
-(chorus)
-
-You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
-You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
-(chorus)
-%
-You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
-if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
-your dog.
-		-- foolin' around
-%
-You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom.
-Don't ever count on having both at once.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
-		-- Joe Valachi
-%
-You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
-get him to float on his back, you've got something.
-%
-You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
-for instance.
-		-- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
-%
-You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
-%
-You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
-his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
-%
-You can move the world with an idea,
-but you have to think of it first.
-%
-You can never do just one thing.
-		-- Hardin
-%
-You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
-%
-You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
-%
-You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
-		-- Jeannette Rankin
-%
-You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
-		-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
-
-What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
-		-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
-
-You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
-		-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
-%
-You can now buy more gates with less
-specifications than at any other time in history.
-		-- Kenneth Parker
-%
-You can observe a lot just by watching.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
-%
-You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
-decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
-over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
-		-- F. Allen
-%
-You can tell how far we have to go,
-when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
-		-- Steven Feiner
-%
-You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
-		-- Norman Douglas
-%
-You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
-		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
-%
-You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
-I've got to have thirty minutes!
-%
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-%
-You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
-But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
-		-- Nathalia Crane
-%
-You cannot have a science without measurement.
-		-- R. W. Hamming
-%
-You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
-%
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-%
-You cannot see the wood for the trees.
-		-- John Heywood
-%
-You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
-		-- Indira Gandhi
-%
-You cannot use your friends and have them too.
-%
-You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
-%
-You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
-%
-You can't cheat an honest man, never give
-a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-You can't cheat the phone company.
-%
-You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
-%
-You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
-		-- Richard Nixon, 1952
-%
-You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
-		-- Peter Frampton
-%
-You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
-		-- H.H. Munro
-%
-"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
-Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
-she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
-children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
-		-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
-%
-You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-You can't get there from here.
-%
-You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
-%
-You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
-		-- Ayn Rand
-%
-You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
-%
-You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
-%
-You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
-only sooner than she thought you would.
-%
-You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
-is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
-%
-You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
-		-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
-%
-You can't push on a string.
-%
-You can't run away forever,
-But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
-		-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
-%
-You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
-new way.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
-You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
-		-- Lauren Bacall
-%
-You can't take damsel here now.
-%
-You can't take it with you --
-especially when crossing a state line.
-%
-You can't teach people to be lazy --
-either they have it, or they don't.
-		-- Dagwood Bumstead
-%
-You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-		-- Tricia Nixon Cox
-%
-You climb to reach the summit, but once
-there, discover that all roads lead down.
-		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
-%
-You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
-didn't need the first and last month in advance.
-%
-You could live a better life, if you
-had a better mind and a better body.
-%
-You couldn't even prove the White House
-staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
-		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
-%
-You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
-%
-You dialed 5483.
-%
-You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
-%
-You do not have mail.
-%
-You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
-%
-You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
-if you're not planning on coming back down.
-		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
-%
-You don't have to explain something you never said.
-		-- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-You don't have to know how the computer
-works, just how to work the computer.
-%
-You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
-		-- J.D. Salinger
-%
-You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
-		-- Guindon
-%
-You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
-reason to eat with knitting needles.
-		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
-%
-You enjoy the company of other people.
-%
-You feel a whole lot more like you do
-now than you did when you used to.
-%
-You fill a much-needed gap.
-%
-You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
-what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
-		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
-%
-You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
-an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
-		-- Brillat-Savarin
-%
-You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
-%
-You get what you pay for.
-		-- Gabriel Biel
-%
-You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
-from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.
-		-- Goethe
-%
-You go down to the pickup station,
-	craving warmth and beauty;
-You settle for less than fascination --
-	a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
-And the closing lights strip off the shadows
-	on this strange new flesh you've found --
-Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
-	you hurry to the blackness
-	and the blankets to lay down an impression
-	and your loneliness.
-		-- Joni Mitchell
-%
-You got to be very careful if you don't know
-where you're going, because you might not get there.
-		-- Yogi Berra
-%
-You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
-And you know it don't come easy ...
-I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
-And you know it don't come easy ...
-%
-You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
-Now it's our turn.
-		-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
-%
-You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
-%
-You had mail.
-Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
-%
-You had some happiness once,
-but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
-%
-You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
-%
-You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
-%
-You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
-%
-You have a message from the operator.
-%
-You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
-A pity that it's totally undeserved.
-%
-You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
-%
-You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
-%
-You have a strong desire for a home
-and your family interests come first.
-%
-You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
-%
-You have a truly strong individuality.
-%
-You have a will that can be influenced
-by all with whom you come in contact.
-%
-You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
-		-- Lois Platford
-%
-You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
-a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
-		-- Aristophanes
-%
-You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
-%
-You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
-%
-You have an unusual equipment for success.
-Be sure to use it properly.
-%
-You have an unusual understanding of
-the problems of human relationships.
-%
-You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
-%
-You have been selected for a secret mission.
-%
-You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
-%
-You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
-%
-You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
-%
-You have mail.
-%
-You have many friends and very few living enemies.
-%
-You have no real enemies.
-%
-You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
-		-- John Viscount Morley
-%
-You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
-and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
-%
-You have taken yourself too seriously.
-%
-You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
-You'll learn a lot today.
-%
-You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
-%
-You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
-If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-You humans are all alike.
-%
-You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me
-at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  "It's very
-simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
-%
-You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
-		-- Dylan Thomas
-%
-You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
-		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
-%
-You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
-		-- Superchicken
-%
-You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
-you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
-and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
-%
-You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
-		-- Maharbal
-%
-You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
-start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
-		-- Dean Webber
-%
-You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
-		-- Garfield
-%
-You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
-You're not a kid at thirty-three,
-You play around you lose your wife,
-You play too long, you lose your life.
-Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
-Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
-%
-You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
-are now extinct.
-		-- M. Somerset Maugham
-%
-You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
-almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself?  I feel
-like that all the time.
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-You know, the difference between this company and
-the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
-%
-You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
-on whether [the press] fear you.  It is just as simple as that.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
-and I had my hands about it.
-		-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
-%
-You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
-is revenge.
-		-- Peter Beard
-%
-You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
-next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
-him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I'd like you to
-meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
-		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
-%%
-I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
-highly trained certified public accountants.
-		-- Elvis Presley
-%
-You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
-		-- E.A. Gilliam
-%
-You know your apartment is small...
-	when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
-	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
-	you have to go outside to change your mind.
-	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
-%
-You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
-daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
-mother is allowed to take.
-%
-You know you're in a small town when...
-	You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
-	You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
-		merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
-	Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
-	You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
-	You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
-	You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-1)	You wake up face down on the pavement.
-2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-3)	You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
-		out of the city.
-4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
-		remember that you don't have a waterbed.
-6)	Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
-		follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
-		and there aren't any.
-3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
-5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-6)	Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-(1)	Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
-		her own business.
-(2)	You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
-(3)	You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-(4)	You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
-(5)	Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-(6)	Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
-		flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
-(7)	You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-(1)	You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
-		skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
-(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
-(3)	Your income tax check bounces.
-(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
-(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
-(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
-		after you bought a waterbed.
-(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
-		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
-		for your spouse.
-%
-You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
-when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
-make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
-chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
-%
-You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
-%
-You learn to write as if to someone else
-because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
-%
-You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
-%
-You lived with a man who wore white belts?
-Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
-		-- Remington Steele
-%
-You look tired.
-%
-You love peace.
-%
-You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
-%
-You may already be a loser.
-		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
-%
-You may be gone tomorrow, but that
-doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
-%
-You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
-but you're infinitely larger than others.
-%
-You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
-%
-You may be right, I may be crazy,
-But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
-That a young man married is a young man marred.
-		-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
-%
-You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
-%
-You may have heard that a dean is
-to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-		-- Alfred Kahn
-%
-You may my glories and my state dispose,
-But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
-you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
-%
-You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
-be sold.
-%
-You mean you didn't *know* she was off
-making lots of little phone companies?
-%
-You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
-obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
-an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
-%
-You might have mail.
-%
-You must dine in our cafeteria.
-You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
-%
-You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
-and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods)
-and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from
-bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
-paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
-cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
-gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to
-prosecution for perjury and fraud.
-		-- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
-%
-You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
-to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
-are merely deputies of that one.
-		-- Nero Wolfe
-%
-You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
-proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
-%
-You need more time; and you probably always will.
-%
-You need no longer worry about the future.
-This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
-%
-You need not worry about your future.
-%
-You never gain something but that you lose something.
-		-- Thoreau
-%
-You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
-%
-You never go anywhere without your soul.
-%
-You never have to change anything you
-got up in the middle of the night to write.
-		-- Saul Bellow
-%
-You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
-tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and months researching
-these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
-advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
-even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks he wants
-Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
-get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
-antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
-until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
-right gift.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
-%
-You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-You never learned anything by doing it right.
-%
-You never realize how many friends you
-have until you rent a house at the beach.
-%
-You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
-got in line to admit it, too.  But you also notice they all said they
-"experimented" with marijuana.  The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
-with it.  Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
-guys were getting stoned!
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-You now have Asian Flu.
-%
-You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
-%
-You plan things that you do not even
-attempt because of your extreme caution.
-%
-You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
-%
-You prefer the company of the opposite
-sex, but are well liked by your own.
-%
-You probably wouldn't worry about what people
-think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
-		-- Olin Miller
-%
-You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
-%
-You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
-		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-You say potatoe,
-And I say potato.
-You say tomatoe,
-And I say tomato.
-Potatoe, potato,
-Tomatoe, tomato.
-Let's go be the Vice President...
-%
-You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
-%
-You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
-attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
-takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
-which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
-alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
-Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
-brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
-his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
-order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
-can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
-addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
-the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
-the useful ones.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You see things; and you say "Why?"
-But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
-		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
-		[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
-%
-You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull
-his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you
-understand this?  And radio operates exactly the same way:  you send
-signals here, they receive them there.  The only difference is that
-there is no cat.
-		-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
-%
-You seek to shield those you love
-and you like the role of the provider.
-%
-You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
-%
-You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
-		-- Joseph Conrad
-%
-You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
-%
-You should go home.
-%
-You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
-incest and folk-dancing.
-		-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
-%
-You should never bet against anything in science at
-odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
-		-- E. Rutherford
-%
-You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
-because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
-		-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
-%
-You should never wear your best trousers
-when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
-		-- Henrik Ibsen
-%
-You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
-		-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
-%
-You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put
-your feet in it and swish them around a little.
-		-- Guindon
-%
-You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
-%
-You teach best what you most need to learn.
-%
-YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
-
-Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
-a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
-important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
-
-Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
-make really big Zorkmids."
-
-MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
-you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
-
-		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
-%
-You tread upon my patience.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-You two ought to be more careful--
-your love could drag on for years and years.
-%
-You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
-Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
-	-- W.G.
-%
-You will always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
-%
-You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
-%
-You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
-%
-You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
-%
-You will be advanced socially,
-without any special effort on your part.
-%
-You will be aided greatly by a person
-whom you thought to be unimportant.
-%
-You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
-%
-You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
-%
-You will be awarded some great honor.
-%
-You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
-%
-You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
-%
-You will be dead within a year.
-%
-You will be divorced within a year.
-%
-You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
-%
-You will be held hostage by a radical group.
-%
-You will be honored for contributing
-your time and skill to a worthy cause.
-%
-You will be imprisoned for contributing
-your time and skill to a bank robbery.
-%
-You will be married within a year.
-%
-You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
-%
-You will be misunderstood by everyone.
-%
-You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
-%
-You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
-%
-You will be run over by a beer truck.
-%
-You will be run over by a bus.
-%
-You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
-%
-You will be successful in love.
-%
-You will be surprised by a loud noise.
-%
-You will be surrounded by luxury.
-%
-You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
-%
-You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
-%
-You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
-%
-You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
-%
-You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
-%
-You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
-%
-You will contract a rare disease.
-%
-You will engage in a profitable business activity.
-%
-You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
-%
-You will feel hungry again in another hour.
-%
-You will find me drinking gin
-In the lowest kind of inn,
-Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
-		-- G.K. Chesterton
-%
-You will forget that you ever knew me.
-%
-You will gain money by a fattening action.
-%
-You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
-%
-You will gain money by an illegal action.
-%
-You will gain money by an immoral action.
-%
-You will get what you deserve.
-%
-You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
-%
-You will have a head crash on your private pack.
-%
-You will have a long and boring life.
-%
-You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
-%
-You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
-%
-You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
-%
-You will have long and healthy life.
-%
-You will have many recoverable tape errors.
-%
-You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
-%
-You will inherit millions of dollars.
-%
-You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
-%
-You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
-%
-You will live to see your grandchildren.
-%
-You will lose an important disk file.
-%
-You will lose an important tape file.
-%
-You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
-%
-You will never amount to much.
-		-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
-%
-You will never know hunger.
-%
-You will not be elected to public office this year.
-%
-You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
-%
-You will outgrow your usefulness.
-%
-You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
-%
-You will pass away very quickly.
-%
-You will pay for your sins.
-If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
-%
-You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
-%
-You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
-%
-You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
-%
-You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
-%
-You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
-%
-You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
-family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
-had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
-		-- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You will soon forget this.
-%
-You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
-%
-You will step on the night soil of many countries.
-%
-You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
-but only because your brakes are defective.
-%
-You will triumph over your enemy.
-%
-You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
-%
-You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
-%
-You will wish you hadn't.
-%
-You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
-		-- Frank Hubbard
-%
-You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
-%
-You worry too much about your job.
-Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
-%
-"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems
-of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
-Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
-Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
-give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
-momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen
-yourself in this way."
-		-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
-%
-You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
-%
-You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
-be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
-		-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
-%
-You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
-		-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
-%
-You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
-%
-You'll always be,
-What you always were,
-Which has nothing to do with,
-All to do, with her.
-		-- Company
-%
-You'll be called to a post requiring
-ability in handling groups of people.
-%
-You'll be sorry...
-%
-You'll feel devilish tonight.
-Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
-%
-You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
-%
-You'll never be the man your mother was!
-%
-You'll never see all the places, or read all the
-books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
-%
-You'll wish that you had done some of the
-hard things when they were easier to do.
-%
-Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
-counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business.  For the
-experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
-them; but in new things, abuseth them.  The errors of young men are the ruin
-of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
-have been done, or sooner.  Young men, in the conduct and management of
-actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
-to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
-principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
-which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
-not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
-nor turn.  Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
-repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
-content themselves with a mediocrity of success.  Certainly, it is good to
-compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
-the defects of both.
-		-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
-%
-Young men, hear an old man to whom
-old men hearkened when he was young.
-		-- Augustus Caesar
-%
-Young men think old men are fools;
-but old men know young men are fools.
-		-- George Chapman
-%
-Your aim is high and to the right.
-%
-Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
-%
-Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
-Don't believe a thing he tells you.
-%
-Your best consolation is the hope that the things
-you failed to get weren't really worth having.
-%
-Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
-%
-Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
-%
-Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
-%
-Your business will assume vast proportions.
-%
-Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
-%
-Your code should be more efficient!
-%
-Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
-%
-Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.
-%
-Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
-		...Here's How You Can Tell
-Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
-can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
-listed 10 signs to watch for:
-    #3. Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don't understand
-	earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
-	jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
-    #6. Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction
-	fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
-    #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
-	discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
-   #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
-	high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when
-	a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
-The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
-all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
-		-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
-
-	[I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.]
-%
-Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
-%
-Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
-dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
-attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
-minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
-Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the
-medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
-25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
-seconds if we felt like it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
-%
-Your domestic life may be harmonious.
-%
-Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
-%
-Your fault - core dumped
-%
-Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
-EOF
-%
-Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
-	You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
-type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party.  Just take beer!
-Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
-California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
-
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
-	Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall.  You find others are
-fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
-bank account.  Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
-other discover your good qualities without your help.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
-	Matters are not good, where your health is concerned.  This Fall, be
-sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
-and you will live all the days of your life.
-
-TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
-	You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
-in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
-brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet simply
-miss two car payments.
-
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
-	You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
-common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
-at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
-Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
-you meet in court.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
-	You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
-you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
-in your beer.  Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
-to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
-
-LEO (July 23 - August 22)
-	You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
-heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
-in stock.  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
-shop.
-
-VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
-	Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
-affecting your job production the next morning.  You feel a nine to five job
-is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
-career change.  Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
-than people who work standing up.
-%
-Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
-meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
-		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-Your goose is cooked.
-(Your current chick is burned up too!)
-%
-Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
-%
-Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
-%
-Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
-%
-Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
-%
-Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
-%
-Your love life will be... interesting.
-%
-Your lover will never wish to leave you.
-%
-Your lucky color has faded.
-%
-Your lucky number has been disconnected.
-%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
-Watch for it everywhere.
-%
-Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
-original and the part that is original is not good.
-		-- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Your mind is the part of you that says,
-	"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
-... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
-	"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
-		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
-%
-Your mind understands what you have been
-taught; your heart, what is true.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed for
-the better because of good news soon.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed for
-the better because of new developments.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
-%
-Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
-Face like ice, a little bit colder
-She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
-You learned in school"
-But I don't really see
-Why can't we go on as three?
-		-- David Crosby, "Triad"
-%
-Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
-may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
-%
-Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
-%
-Your object is to save the world,
-while still leading a pleasant life.
-%
-Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being
-true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
-mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound.
-Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What
-are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
-change.
-		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
-%
-Your password is pitifully obvious.
-%
-Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
-%
-Your present plans will be successful.
-%
-Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
-%
-Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
-%
-Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You
-need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
-picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
-the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
-success.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
-%
-Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
-%
-Your step will soil many countries.
-%
-Your supervisor is thinking about you.
-%
-Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
-%
-Your temporary financial embarrassment will
-be relieved in a surprising manner.
-%
-Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-%
-Your wig steers the gig.
-		-- Lord Buckley
-%
-Your wise men don't know how it feels
-To be thick as a brick.
-		-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
-%
-Your worship is your furnaces
-which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
-have molten bowels; your vision is
-machines for making more machines.
-		-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
-%
-You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
-%
-You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
-		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler
-
-Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
-		-- Steve Martin to a heckler
-
-When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
-		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
-%
-You're all clear now, kid.
-Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
-		-- Han Solo
-%
-You're almost as happy as you think you are.
-%
-You're already carrying the sphere!
-%
-You're always thinking you're gonna be
-the one that makes 'em act different.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
-%
-You're at the end of the road again.
-%
-You're at Witt's End.
-%
-You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
-%
-You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
-%
-You're definitely on their list.
-The question to ask next is what list it is.
-%
-You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
-		-- Eldridge Cleaver
-%
-You're growing out of some of your problems,
-but there are others that you're growing into.
-%
-"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
-except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
-		-- Swamp Thing
-%
-You're never too old to become younger.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-You're not Dave.  Who are you?
-%
-You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-		-- Dean Martin
-%
-Your reasoning is excellent -- it's
-only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
-%
-You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
-%
-You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
-%
-You're working under a slight handicap.
-You happen to be human.
-%
-Yours is not to reason why,
-Just to Sail Away.
-And when you find you have to throw
-Your Legacy away;
-Remember life as was it is,
-And is as it were;
-Chasing sounds across the galaxy
-'Till silence is but a blur.
-		-- QYX.
-%
-Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
-%
-Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
-courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
-		-- Robert F. Kennedy
-%
-Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
-%
-Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
-		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
-%
-Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
-		-- Dorothy Fuldheim
-%
-Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Youth is the trustee of posterity.
-%
-Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
-when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
-%
-You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
-		-- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-You've been Berkeley'ed!
-%
-You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
-%
-You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
-and now you're telling me just to be myself?
-		-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
-%
-You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
-%
-"Yow!  Am I having fun yet?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet?  Is it, huh, is it?"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow!!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
-to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-YO-YO:
-	Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
-	(see also Computer).
-%
-Zall's Laws:
-	1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
-	   will be wrong.
-	2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
-	   door you're on.
-%
-zeal, n:
-	Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
-%
-ZERO DEFECTS:
-	The result of shutting down a production line.
-%
-Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
-		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
-%
-Zeus gave Leda the bird.
-%
-Zisla's Law:
-	If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-%
-Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
-since I first called my brother's father dad.
-		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
-%
-Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
-	People are always available for work in the past tense.
-%
-Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason
-so few engage in it.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our
-banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would
-be a revolution before tomorrow morning.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to
-keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
-	-- Henry Ford
-%
-A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he
-can invent a pleasure.  I don't want to be at the mercy of my
-emotions.  I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
-	-- Oscar Wilde
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index ded3f84d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,13881 +0,0 @@
-						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
-						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
-Dear Sir:
-	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
-inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
-a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
-ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
-age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
-long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
-ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
-in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
-us.
-	Sympathetically,
-	Amanda L. Smith
-
-p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
-	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
-%
-					MOUNTIES:
-I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
-I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
-					all day.
-
-I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
-I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
-On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
-And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.
-
-I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
-I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
-I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
-And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.
-
-I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
-Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
-I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
-Just like my dear Pappa.
-%
-				FROM THE DESK OF
-				Snow White
-
-Dear Snow White:
-
-	Thanks for last night.
-
-		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
-%
-		LEPROSY
-Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
-I'm not half the man I used to be.
-Oh, how did I get leprosy?
-
-Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
-Now it even hurts to take a piss.
-Oh why did I get syphilis?
-
-Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
-I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
-%
-		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
-
-An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
-Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
-who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
-In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
-beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
-
-	--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
-		which UFOs come.
-	--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
-	--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
-		squared the circle.
-	--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
-
-Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
-including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
-special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
-Bull.
-%
-		The Snack
-Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
-
-What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
-
-Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
-	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
-	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
-	I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
-
-But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
-	And am I not the master of my own?
-
-Nothing to eat?
-	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
-	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
-	Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
-
-Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
-		-- L.L. Zeiger
-%
-	... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
-worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
-have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
-was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
-as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
-over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
-	"No."
-	So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
-%
-	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
-of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
-drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
-probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
-	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
-says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
-	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
-	"Is she with her lover?"
-	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
-that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
-	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
-say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
-to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
-two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
-the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
-The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
-silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
-to the phone and says "It's done."
-	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
-	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
-	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
-%
-	A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
-This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
-them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
-following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
-he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
-the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
-see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
-Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
-At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
-he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
-Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
-his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
-brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
-down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
-right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
-%
-	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
-buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
-the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
-boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
-the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
-the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
-they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
-	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
-farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
-frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
-in the mud.
-	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
-don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
-today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
-	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
-	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
-the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
-%
-	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
-for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
-all day?"
-	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
-	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
-	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
-mailman."
-	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
-	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
-whorehouse."
-	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
-Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
-answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
-an explanation.
-	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
-you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
-%
-	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
-from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
- 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
-you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
-him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
-	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
-are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
-gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
-the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
-Pretzel hold.
-	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
-on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
-scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
-pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
-finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
-of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
- 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
-this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
-what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
-you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
-%
-	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
-island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
-could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
-were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
-the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
-the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
-downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
-charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
-men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
-Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
-blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
-only blurt out, "What happened?"
-	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
-ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
-grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
-hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
-the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
-to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
-%
-	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
-in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
-and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
-conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
-go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
-seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
-	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
-"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
-He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
-	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
-hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
-goodbye, and runs out the front door.
-	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
-doorway.
-	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
-	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
-to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
-had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
-	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
-You've been bowling again!"
-%
-	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
-brother and inquires after his pet.
-	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
-	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
-corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
-	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
-	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
-How's Mom?"
-	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
-outside one day..."
-%
-	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
-I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
-	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
-be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
-	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
-dog's stuck in its throat."
-%
-	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
-"Hi, honey, I'm home."
-	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
-on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
-8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
-I get home."
-	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
-stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
-from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
-doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
-girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
-	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
-was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
-the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
-complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
-%
-	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
-out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
-	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
-	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
-valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
-he says.
-	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
-"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
-%
-	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
-terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
-Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
-homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
-got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
-who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
-	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
-something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
-	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
-bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
-	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
-	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
-6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
-	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
-are lovers."
-	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
-NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
-in your family like pussy?"
-	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
-Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
-down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
-and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
-is eight-year-old Scotch."
-	The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
-pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
-most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
-had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
-is on the house."
-	A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
-conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
-The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
-the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
-%
-	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
-up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
-little Leprechaun.
-	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
-struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
-worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
-Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
-pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
-	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
-walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
-Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
-after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
-in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
-his little dick!"
-	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
-	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
-	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
-%
-	A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
-flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
-large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
-	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
-	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
-	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
-asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
-men?"
-	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
-hung than *anybody*."
-	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
-	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
-all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
-	"Running Bear Sheldon."
-%
-	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
-He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
-gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
-were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
-what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
-"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
-a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
-ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
-	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
-clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
-	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?"
-%
-	A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
-the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
-	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
-quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
-"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
-	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
-like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-%
-	A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
-while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
-was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
-Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
-	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
-that he had ever eaten.
-	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
-kind of meat is it?"
-	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
-	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
-	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
-	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
-	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
-%
-	A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange
-symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
-	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
-"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
-	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
-girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
-turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
-	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
-kissed a man!"
-	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
-wrong out there?"
-	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
-like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
-another one was going to show up."
-%
-	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
-two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
-I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
-	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
-	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
-car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
-and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
-Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
-	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
-decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
-driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
-	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
-aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
-at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
-	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
-like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
-%
-	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
-some good news and some bad news."
-	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
-	She replied, "You're not sterile."
-%
-	A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
-consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
-sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
-for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
-and lustful pursuits.
-	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
-if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
-then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
-is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
-	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
-a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
-affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
-is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
-is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
-his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
-%
-	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
-for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
-qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
-white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
-	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
-that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
-him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
-	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
-your dog, here, talk!"
-	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
-heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
-good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
-	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
-"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
-	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
-heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
-the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
-	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
-final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
-	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
-%
-	A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
-asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
-	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
-work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
-should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
-	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
-"You get laid today, Billy?"
-	"Yeah, Dad."
-	"How was it?"
-	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
-	"Good Boy!".
-	A month later: "You get laid today?"
-	"No, Dad."
-	"No?  How come?"
-	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
-%
-	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
-Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
-	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
-miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
-	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
-		   Life in the Universe"
-%
-	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
-to die, would you remarry?"
-	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
-this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
-	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
-	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
-	"Well, would you live in this house?"
-	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
-I've always loved it here."
-	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
-	"No."
-	"Why not?"
-	"She's left handed."
-%
-	A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
-to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
-	She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
-my pantyhose."
-%
-	A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
-whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
-settle for a kiss."
-	The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
-%
-	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
-minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
-	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
-name for my baby."
-	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
-of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
-	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
-name."
-%
-	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
-number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
-was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
-vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
-expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
-Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
-NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
-is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
-TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
-	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
-Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
-to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
-their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
-running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
-	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
-Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
-drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
-always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
-if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-	An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
-officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
-house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san."
-	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
-Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
-	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
-which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
-After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
-a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
-Bonsai!"
-	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
-new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san!"
-	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
-"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
-%
-	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
-city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
-arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
-the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
-testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
-	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
-Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was
-served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
-much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
-	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
-%
-	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
-porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
-picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
-tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
-	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
-beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
-voluptuous woman.
-	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
-for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
-stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
-	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
-	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
-faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
-handsome prince!"
-	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
-handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
-	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
-the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
-fixed?"
-%
-	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
-man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?"
-said the soldier.
-	"My name is Mary," said the woman.
-	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
-	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
-going?"
-	"To Bethlehem."
-	"Your reason for going there?"
-	"To pay our taxes to the government."
-	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
-	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
-Ricans?"
-%
-	An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
-remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
-"I have a dead pussy."
-	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
-"Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
-%
-	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
-	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
-	And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
-	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
-to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
-posh hotel.
-	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
-	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
-	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
-a postcard?"
-%
-	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
-Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
-an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
-rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
-a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
-all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
-15 minutes a day!
-	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
-sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
-the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
-muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
-of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
-using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
-	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
-immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
-textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
-limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
-%
-	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
-his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
-executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
-loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
-pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
-was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
-"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
-finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
-lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
-was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
-regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
-he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
-following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
-to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
-muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
-a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
-%
-	Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
-Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
-the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
-one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
-have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
-was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
-"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
-	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
-squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
-headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
-Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
-Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
-		me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
-Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
-Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
-Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
-Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
-		too fast."
-%
-	Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
-treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
-	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
-see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
-	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
-	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
-%
-	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
-friend asked him how it went.
-	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second
-night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six
-times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the
-last night, nothing!"
-	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
-	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
-%
-	But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
-skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
-calf they were sucking hind teat...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
-called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
-the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-	But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
-cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
-to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
-latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
-with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
-bunch of knuckles.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
-your penis?"
-	"Uh, not right now."
-	"Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
-		-- Real Genius
-%
-	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
-particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
-a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
-said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
-himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
-your ass, you ugly cunt."
-	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
-the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
-you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
-your play can go fuck yourselves."
-	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
-to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
-if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
-unhesitating retort.
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	"Daddy?"
-	"Yes son."
-	"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
-	"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
-something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
-the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
-`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
-		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
-%
-	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
-
-	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
-	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
-	Sept 28		Blind Academy
-	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
-	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
-	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
-	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
-	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
-	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
-	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
-%
-	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
-be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
-%
-	"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
-We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
-	"But this is different," protested her husband.
-	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
-Now tell me what our problem is."
-	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
-bastard child."
-%
-	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
-married?"
-	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
-I've always been especially fond of married women."
-%
-	Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
-to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
-quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
-had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
-now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
-and you... uh... don't have all the..."
-	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
-%
-	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
-	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
-intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
-They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
-used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
-bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
-They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
-They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
-		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
-	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
-hit my wife."
-	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
-at mine, over there."
-%
-	During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
-husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
-she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
-%
-	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."
-	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh,
-stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
-	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
-protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.
-	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"
-	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
-by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
-and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
-%
-	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
-and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
-than fried chicken, is it?"
-	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
-	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
-	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
-	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
-ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
-can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
-finest I've ever had."
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
-%
-	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
-those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
-needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
-	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
-the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
-No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
-ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
-contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
-should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
-the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
-	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
-The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
-of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
-not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
-and not care."
-%
-	Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
-baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
-ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
-	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
-which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
-you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
-%
-	Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
-girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
-of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
-unimpaired?"
-	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
-about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
-as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
-	"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
-	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
-fail me."
-%
-	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
-	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
-only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
-	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
-only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
-	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
-could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
-%
-	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
-said the guy aggressively.
-	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
-	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
-town."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
-	"Oh, no, you're not."
-	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
-	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
-%
-	For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
-vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
-affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
-few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
-short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
-	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
-he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
-and the baby would have my name!"
-	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
-we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
-better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-%
-	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
-usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
-evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
-such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
-	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
-and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
-fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
-	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
-in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
-professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
-nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
-	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
-remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
-the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
-thoughts?"
-	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
-%
-	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
-and sarcastic?"
-	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
-	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
-%
-	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
-to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
-apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
-in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
-%
-	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
-what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
-wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
-	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
-differences once and for all.
-	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
-where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
-%
-	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
-from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
-	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
-promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
-nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
-	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
-you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
-the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
-find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
-the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
-%
-	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
-No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
-been worse."
-	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
-hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
-"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
-found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
-the gun on himself!"
-	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
-	"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
-have been worse?"
-	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
-dead right now."
-%
-	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
-proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
-and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
-to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
-nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
-All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
-she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
-	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
-in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
-surprise," smiled the bride.
-	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
-leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
-	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
-Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
-%
-	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
-	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
-	"Do it alone?"
-	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
-	"How would that help?"
-	"Used a whip."
-%
-	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
-	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
-	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
-	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
-	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
-	"Oh, it's not dead then."
-	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
-goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
-on the safe side."
-	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
-to a dead cat, do you?"
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-	"Hello, Police Department."
-	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually
-molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
-	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
-	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
-on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
-Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
-I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
-held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
-couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
-pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
-erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
-throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
-my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
-say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
-know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
-	"What's the matter, mister?"
-	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
-%
-	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
-with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
-Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
-define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
-court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
-Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
-it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
-his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
-enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
-ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
-that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
-it because the court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	"How'd you get that flat?"
-	"Ran over a bottle."
-	"Didn't you see it?"
-	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
-%
-	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
-the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
-	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
-	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
-%
-	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
-society.  Society made me what I am today!"
-	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
-like me."
-	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
-	"You're going to be okay..."
-		"...gurgle..."
-			"... maybe not."
-		-- Repo Man
-%
-	"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
-the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
-	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
-take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
-camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
-the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
-the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
-	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
-like twenty more gallons of water.
-	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
-man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
-	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
-bricks."
-%
-	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
-	"Oh, how can you tell?"
-	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
-hear the stereo."
-%
-	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
-"What'll you have, Bud"?
-	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
-	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
-young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
-I'm on my way."
-	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
-%
-	In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
-mud."
-	And there was mud.
-	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
-can see what we have done."
-	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
-man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
-	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
-	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
-	"Certainly," said man.
-	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
-	And He went away.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
-%
-	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
-announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
-today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
-a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
-in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
-around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
-those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
-	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
-citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
-these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
-than a citizen bless their country?"
-%
-	It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
-they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
-One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
-them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
-	Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
-thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
-Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
-brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
-%
-	It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
-in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
-Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
-said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
-life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
-Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
-Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
-		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
-%
-	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
-American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
-sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
-ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
-	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
-country there's only one."
-	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
-that?"
-	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
-	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
-%
-	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
-Jewish men?"
-	"You really want to know?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
-Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
-%
-	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
-her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
-the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
-way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
-begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
-stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
-	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
-the hotel, out of breathe from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
-mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
-wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
-	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
-can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
-	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
-the dining room skylight."
-%
-	Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
-seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
-with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
-it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
-again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
-suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
-life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
-become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
-	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
-The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
-male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
-the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
-male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
-Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
-on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
-a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
-matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
-	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
-has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
-why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
-to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
-occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
-%
-	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
-mirror, admiring her breasts.
-	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
-	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
-twenty-five-year-old."
-	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
-ass?"
-	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
-%
-	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
-Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
-without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
-an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
-prison.
-	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
-in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
-them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
-hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
-to death.
-	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
-be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
-any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
-Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
-Murray.
-	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
-	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-		-- Arthur Naiman
-%
-	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
-barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
-	"Not in California."
-%
-	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
-a girl should not do before twenty."
-	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
-audience, either."
-%
-	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
-you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
-oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal commitment.
-	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
-the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
-repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
-in the others.
-	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
-of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
-it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
-	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
-therapy ask if people have had therapy.
-	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
-%
-	Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
-people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
-times a job applicant has had the clap.
-	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar?
-	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
-did the applicant go to TCU?
-	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
-have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is
-saying."
-	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
-the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
-to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
-singing."
-	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
-	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
-%
-	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
-bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
-court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
-that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
-pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
-women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
-played appropriate music.
-	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
-He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
-rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
-multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
-	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
-King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
-his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
-The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
-banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
-%
-	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
-and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
-turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
-	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
-one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
-	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
-way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
-%
-	One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
-seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
-and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
-bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
-flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
-soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
-her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
-He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
-connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
-Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
-	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
-his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
-discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
-various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
-all of its field strength.
-	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
-solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
-excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
-each others fuses.
-		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
-%
-	One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
-up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
-say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
-kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
-	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
-the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
-he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
-	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
-"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
-	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
-never writes..."
-%
-	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
-HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
-made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
-	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
-which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
-squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3
-MUSKETEERS."
-		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
-%
-	One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
-sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
-of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
-worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
-	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
-instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
-the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
-into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
-	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
-"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
-dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
-	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
-out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
-grandpa.", he remarks.
-	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
-%
-	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
-science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
-some concrete example."
-	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
-	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
-a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
-	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
-the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
-	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
-to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
-	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
-example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
-course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
-%
-	Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
-state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
-dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
-and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
-eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
-shout, too):
-	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
-	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
-was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
-flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
-	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
-	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
-amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
-So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
-tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
-	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
-%
-	People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
-motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
-jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
-bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
-then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
-a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
-a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
-out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
-side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
-	Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
-blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
-of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
-the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
-are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
-circuits.
-	When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
-of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
-junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
-that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-		-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
-%
-	People who write position papers often find themselves in an
-enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
-position.
-	A good position paper will have many words in it like
-"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
-	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
-limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
-	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
-position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
-Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
-	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
-semicolon.
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-	Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
-has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
-Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
-	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
-definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
-gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
-Santa," she begs.
-	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
-you know."
-	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
-at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
-	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
-warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
-	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
-gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
-%
-	Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
-stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
-this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
-doesn't deserve to have any."
-
-	James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
-failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
-remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
-major general."
-
-	(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
-complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a
-while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
-
-	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
-pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
-sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
-more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
-on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
-out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
-
-	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
-Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
-story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
-roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
-house."
-	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
-maybe, but not in the House."
-
-%
-	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
-still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
-Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
-exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
-	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
-	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
-love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
-prick."
-	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
-assure you, that's a wee-wee."
-%
-	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
-certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
-own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
-care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
-statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
-dick."
-	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
-asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
- "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
-whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
-the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
-Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
-upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
-wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
-had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
-and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
-stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
-you staring at, homo?"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
-coffee?"
-	"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
-answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
-	"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
-%
-	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
-sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
-	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
-	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
-she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-	"So?"
-	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-%
-	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
-say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
-	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
-others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
-"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
-in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
-but not much good in a fight."
-%
-	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
-a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
-his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
-	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
-please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
-sees nothing but goyim..."
-	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
-you got problems.  What about my son?"
-%
-	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
-physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
-"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
-from women."
-	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
-second best?"
-%
-	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
-made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
-footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
-reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
-madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
-	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
-every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
-	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
-the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
-		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
-As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
-	"What happened?"
-	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
--- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
-%
-	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
-After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
-branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
-wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
-	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
-horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
-Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
-"That's two," he said.
-	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
-crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
-off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
-shot the horse between the eyes.
-	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
-married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
-	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
-%
-	The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
-dressed, alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he
-pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
-replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
-	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
-	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
-%
-	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
-waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
-	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
-	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
-wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
-returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
-two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
-a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
-from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
-with our hands," he explained.
-	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
-have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
-little piece of string attached to my apron?"
-	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
-	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
-"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
-comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
-piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
-	"But how do you put it back?"
-	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
-I use the tongs."
-%
-	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
-the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
-the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
-us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
- 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
-Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
-on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
-his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
-leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
-negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
-farewell is consummated between the sheets.
- 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
-pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
-look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
-we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
-She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
-%
-	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
-way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
-jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
-tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
-jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
-Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
-candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
-wildest girls I know.
-%
-	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
-period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
-frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
-as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
-sport.
-	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-	The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
-Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
-stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
-way when they try to be serious."
-	"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
-into the ether and the cocaine."
-	"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
-in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
-chew it up like baseball gum."
-	I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
-the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
-screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
-across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
-the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
-did to us?"
-		-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
-%
-	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
-
- 1. WITTY AND CHARMING:  This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue is
-	loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the "witty
-	and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
-	phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
-	"Bullsheyet".
- 2. RICH AND POWERFUL:  By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
-	380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
- 3. BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
- 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
- 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
- 6. PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
- 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
- 8. INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
- 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II:  You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
-10. BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
-		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
-		   of a Gun".
-%
-	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
-wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
-romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
-	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
-castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
-factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
-almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
-	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
-trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
-ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
-on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
-	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
-	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
-people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
-%
-	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
-for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
-"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
-guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
-popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
-	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
-using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
-The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
-wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
-	"Wousy," said the girl.
-%
-	There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
-and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
-from sex for thirty days.
-	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
-the first couple if they passed the test.
-	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
-	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
-the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
-	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
-until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
-I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
-stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
-to her right there."
-	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
-the Church after something like that."
-	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
-into Safeway anymore either."
-%
-	There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
-a bar having a few drinks together.
-	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
-drive your wife wild in bed?"
-	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
-garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
-her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
-her wild with desire."
-	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
-I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
-Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
-	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
-out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
-her wild."
-%
-	These two project managers were walking through a residential area
-one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
-cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
-nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
--- I wish I could do that!"
-	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
-it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
-%
-	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone
-being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
-	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
-whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
-	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
-about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
-country.  We're completely computerized.
-	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
-leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
-real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
-country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
-look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
-yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
-I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
-	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
-He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
-	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
-we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
-your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
-%
-	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
-the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
-months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
-He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
-up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
-surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
-come on over to the clinic."
-	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
-embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
-	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
-all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
-on a top hat, and come on over."
-	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
-reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
-dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
-nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
-	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
-%
-	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
-with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
-dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
-	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
-	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
-the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
-requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
-	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
-guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
-being so helpless.
-	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
-*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
-%
-	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
-good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
-sobbing like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
-	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
-<sniffle>"
-	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
-He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
-the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
-away feeling wonderful.
-	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
-sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
-end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
-	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
-	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
-her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
-%
-	Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
-The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
-selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
-asked, pointing at the first girl.
-	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
-	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
-girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
-	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
-	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
-you?" he demanded.
-	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
-the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
-laid off."
-	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
-Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
-arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
-for a living?"
-	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
-%
-	Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
-ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
-shum money from my wife."
-	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
-and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
-affect the husband.
-	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
-asked.
-	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
-Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
-	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
-enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
-	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
-he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
-	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
-%
-	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
-car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
-	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
-London?"
-	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war,"
-he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
-	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
-he say, Reggie?"
-	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
-replied.
-	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
-didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
-	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
-exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
-just before I came back to the States!"
-	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
-	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
-%
-	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
-were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
-side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
-driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
-	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
-deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
-"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
-	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
-to be able to settle out of court."
-%
-	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
-to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
-`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
-	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
-mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
-	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
-and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
-	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
-	Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
-their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
-has cut me down to just once a week."
-	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know
-two guys she's cut off altogether.
-%
-	Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
-come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
-	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
-	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
-watch."
-	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
-partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
-three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
-%
-	Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
-and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
-roses, damn it.  That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
-three days."
-	Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
-
-%
-	We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
-drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
-lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."  And suddenly there was a terrible
-roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
-swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
-hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
-screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
-	Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
-was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
-hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.  "Never mind,"
-I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
-Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
-bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
-		A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
-%
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
-great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
-so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
-one is mightier than you."
-	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
-"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
-stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
-quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
-THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
-	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
-him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
-you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
-%
-	Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
-She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
-"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
-say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
-reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
-justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
-ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
-	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
-explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
-suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
-the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
-	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
-How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
-%
-	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
-it would be before she could resume her sex life.
-	"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
-"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
-that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
-hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
-to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
-but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
-seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
-invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
-sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
-	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
-It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
-Rumania.
-		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
-%
-	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
-three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
-"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
-	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
-	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
-then.  We're trying to catch her."
-	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
-carrying a bucket of sand?"
-	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
-%
-	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
-out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
-France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
-proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
-aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
-and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
-	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
-board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
-tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
-and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
-into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
-evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
-waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
-an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
-	"Hmmm," mused the captain.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
-admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, Miss, I feel it is only fair
-to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
-%
-	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
-night?" demanded the irate mother.
-"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
-	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
-movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
-	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
-	"We did."
-%
-	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
-Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
-buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
-	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
-	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
-	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
-and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
-"Okay. It's your wife."
-	"My wife!!"
-	"Yeah."
-	"What about her?"
-	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
-his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
-%
-	"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
-be anything else?"
-%
-	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
-up in the bar last night?"
-	"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
-	"Did I bring you home?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
-	"Not any more."
-%
-... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
-we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
-inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
-as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
-naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
-might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
-us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
-protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
-that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
-God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
-for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
-virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
-frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
-because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
-is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
-is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
-obscure such reality.
-		-- Steve Allen
-%
-... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
-beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
-quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
-wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
-the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
-had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
-concerned...
-I gan noo wha ma organs gan
-When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
-So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
-Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
-					And iver her purse was wet.
-But old Sir Oswald allus stank
-Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
-And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
-Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
-					What I have done without.
-But ere ye come to draw ma heart
-Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
-But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
-And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
-					Afore I have a pee.
-		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
- 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
- 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
- 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
- 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
- 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
-10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
-	quarterback.
- 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
- 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
- 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
-	sleep with it, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
- 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
- 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
- 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
-10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
- 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
- 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
- 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
- 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
- 8. A beer doesn't snore.
- 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
-10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
-	aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
- 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
- 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
- 4. Beer tastes good.
- 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
-	Hits" as much as you do.
- 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
- 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
- 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
- 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
-	cents less expensive.
-10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
-	like grass.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
- 2. Beer stains wash out.
- 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
- 4. Beer never makes you wait.
- 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
- 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
- 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
- 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
-10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
-%
-15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
- 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
- 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
- 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
- 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
- 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
- 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
- 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
-12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
-13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
-14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
-15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
-%
-18th Rule of Friendship:
-	A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
-	to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
-	ever saw.
-		-- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
- 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
- 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
- 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
- 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
-10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
-11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
-13. A beer tastes good.
-14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
-15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
-16. You don't have to let a beer win.
-17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-18. A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
-19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
-20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
-%
-667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
-%
-68:
-	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
-%
-6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
-%
-69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
-%
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
-	Redwood Forest.
-
-7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
-	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
-	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
-8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
- 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
- 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
- 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
- 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
-	"just for the articles".
- 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
- 7.  Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
-	else's beer.
- 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
-	make you ill.
-%
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for
-more than a year.
-	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
-	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
-	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
-downed his drink and left disgustedly.
-A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
-He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
-this part of town?"
-	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
-	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
-thing," and turned on his heel and left.
-	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
-his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
-bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
-'round here would know?"
-	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
-	"Seven!?"
-	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
-George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
-%
-A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
-patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
-women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
-of the bar.
-	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
-bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
-blanched and ran out of the bar.
-	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
-all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
-	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
-you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
-%
-A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
-	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
-	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
-	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
-	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
-%
-A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
-six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
-sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
-another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
-at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
-this barren bit of land.
-	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
-	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
-	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
-replied.
-	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
-	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
-	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
-beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
-how he had enjoyed it.
-	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
-%
-A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
-purgatory for the purse.
-%
-A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
-one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
-away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
-thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
-	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
-abnormalities."
-	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
-"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
-	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
-cancer."
-	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
-having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
-now?"
-	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
-%
-A beetling young woman named Pridgets
-Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
-	Off the end of a wharf
-	She once pushed a dwarf
-Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
-would send his wife a telegram saying,
-	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
-His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
-She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
-rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
-she wired him,
-	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
-%
-A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
-Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
-	When she swiveled about
-	Even strong men cried out,
-For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
-%
-A bisexual chap name of Lunt
-Taught himself an unusual stunt.
-He could peel back his spout
-Turn the skin inside out
-Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
-%
-A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
-%
-A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
-into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
-forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
-	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
-apologized the rabbit.
-	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
-problem!"
-	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
-you think you could help me find out?"
-	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
-rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
-and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
-	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
-	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
-suppose you could try and tell me?"
-	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
-and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
-no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
-%
-A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
-Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
-and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
-a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
-minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
-masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
-	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
-%
-A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
-fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
-the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
-	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
-to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
-himself in an accentuated manner.
-	"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
-Catholic!"
-	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
-"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
-%
-A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
-by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
-get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
-worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
-whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
-laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
-happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
-laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
-a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
-house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
-horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
-bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
-the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
-said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
-	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
-	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
-	"I proved it."
-%
-A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
-%
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-		-- Thomas Ybarra
-%
-A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
-most men know it's there, but few really care.
-%
-A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
-
-		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
-%
-A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
-chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
-to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
-	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
-	"No, not that."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
-	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
-	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
-a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
-	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
-other end."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No.  Down there."
-	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
-penis."
-	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
-	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
-that woman."
-%
-A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
-		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
-%
-A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
-watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
-guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
-moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
-hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
-shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
-they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
-the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
-passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
-	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
-with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
-sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
-	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
-at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
-he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
-	"What?!?!?" she screams.
-	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
-%
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-%
-A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
-rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
-down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
-on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
-station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
-drowned in the lake!"
-	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
-more chain than he can swim with?"
-%
-A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
-A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
-%
-A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
-	"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
-The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
-%
-A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
-coming again soon.  Bend over.
-%
-A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
-hard it was to get any sleep.
-	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
-drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
-	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
-	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
-%
-A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
-That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
-and that's how we'll do it now.
-		-- Dick Hamlet
-%
-A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-		-- Bobby Knight
-%
-A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
-it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
-%
-A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
-professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
-and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
-night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
-asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
-	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
-%
-A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
-the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
-with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
-speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
-a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
-	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
-territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
-At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
-	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
-fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
-fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
-At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
-openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
-to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
-German Air Force.
-	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
-%
-A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
-they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
-however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
-what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
-scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
-	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
-would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
-	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
-must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
-%
-A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
-girl there.
-	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
-	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
-He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
-	"This frog can eat pussy."
-The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
-a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
-discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
-She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
-says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
-owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
-	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
-	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
-By now, the girl is laughing openly.
-	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
-only going to show you one more time."
-%
-A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
-into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
-and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
-curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
-	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
-%
-A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
-%
-A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
-%
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
-A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
-the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
-right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
-that?"
-	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
-downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
-all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
-	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
-on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
-the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
-	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
-end of the bar."
-%
-A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
-the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
-told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
-home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
-of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
-soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
-the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
-Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
-thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
-but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
-Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
-Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
-worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
-	"Saunders, help me please!"
-	"But what is it, Madame?"
-	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
-	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
-%
-A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
-she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
-"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
-	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
-%
-A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
-the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
-and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
-line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
-do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
-	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
-there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
-110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
-third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
-	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
-this here corn liquor?"
-	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
-	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
-"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
-	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
-a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
-	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
-with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
-smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
-want killed?"
-%
-A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
-can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
-over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
-and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
-"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
-%
-A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
-father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
-used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
-	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
-your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
-behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
-down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
-some manure from the ground and eat it!"
-	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
-And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
-I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
-it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
-	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
-we had *lunch* together!"
-%
-A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
-Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
-	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
-backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
-thet one wuz!"
-	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
-the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
-	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
-	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
-probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
-	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
-was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
-Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
-	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
-Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
-	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
-not aware of!"
-%
-A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-		-- Thomas Hardy
-%
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-		-- Carrie Snow
-%
-A man always needs to remember one thing about
-a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
-%
-A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
-husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
-wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
-
-	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
-Naturally, the husband is surprised.
-	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
-virgin?"
-	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
-computer programmer."
-	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
-a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
-	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
-tell me how great it was going to be."
-%
-A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
-who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
-lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
-you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
-her again.  Okay?"
-	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
-on the side to make it interesting?"
-%
-A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
-or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
-next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
-Polish."
-	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
-Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
-	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
-with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
-the joke.
-	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
-	"Nah," says the man.
-	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
-man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
-	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
-five times."
-%
-A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
-from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
-around his bed.
-	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
-	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
-and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
-performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
-has been crafted into place."
-	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
-tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
-another erection!"
-	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
-course, have to be someone else's."
-%
-A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
-sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
-car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
-	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
-	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
-	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
-	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
-I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
-	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
-	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
-	"Do it again."
-	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
-Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
-	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
-time."
-	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
-twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
-	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
-	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
-I want you to drive her into Salerno."
-%
-A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
-for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
-until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
-which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
-a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
-takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
-	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
-anything to show my gratitude."
-	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
-that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
-and take that damn dog for a walk!"
-%
-A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
-in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
-	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
-	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
-feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
-By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
-his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
-grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
-he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
-my legs longer?"
-%
-A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
-contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
-	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
-out in public!"
-	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
-	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
-showing that thing to everybody."
-	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
-when he hands her $1000.
-	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
-you to?" she asks.
-	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
-the money."
-	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
-tears welling up in her eyes.
-	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
-%
-A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
-longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
-followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
-other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
-no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
-	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
-but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
-the funeral for?"
-	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
-attacked and killed her."
-	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
-don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
-	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
-%
-A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
-antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
-from around here, are you?"
-	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
-	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
-either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
-	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
-	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
-there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
-	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
-	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
-big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
-Martians have that?"
-	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
-%
-A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
-bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
-A man never minds being in the doghouse
-as long as he can get his tail outside.
-%
-A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
-three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
-them one after another.
-	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
-	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
-	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
-	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
-the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
-%
-A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
-help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
-the train platform.
-	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
-	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
-	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
-	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
-	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
-"she was a truly great lay."
-	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
-to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
-to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
-	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
-Sam is a helluva nice guy."
-%
-A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
-some good news and some bad news."
-	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
-	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
-longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
-	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
-	"Malignant."
-%
-A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
-water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
-person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
-First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
-ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
-be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
-thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
-shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
-went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
-and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
-he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
-and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
-and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
-was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
-outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
-at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
-last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
-or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
-satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
-for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
-%
-A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
-says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
-me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
-	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
-	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
-and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
-her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
-	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
-	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
-after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
-got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
-After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
-took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
-out."
-	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
-	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
-	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
-that doubt!"
-%
-A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
-find a girl willing to listen to him.
-%
-A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
-shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
-	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
-the glass for me?
-	"Sure," said the bartender.
-	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
-you'll find the money for the beer."
-	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
-	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
-Where is the men's room?"
-	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
-two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
-%
-A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
-%
-A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
-for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
-wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
-old age home that money can buy.
-	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
-to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
-straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
-finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
-over and gently pushes him upright again.
-	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
-being treated.
-	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
-it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
-there's just one little problem."
-	"What's that, Dad?"
-	"They won't let you fart."
-%
-A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
-%
-A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
-many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
-the police.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
-A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
-swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
-his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
-	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
-	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
-	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
-%
-A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
-Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
-anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
-the pressure.
-	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
-foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
-	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
-his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
-every day!"
-	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
-other men replied.
-	"Why not then?"
-	"That's your day in the barrel."
-%
-A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
-on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
-over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
-As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
-from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
-"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
-you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
-	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
-	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
-	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
-to his death.
-	"DUMB YANKEE."
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
-out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
-Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two.  After a few
-minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
-and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
-them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
-the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
-partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
-morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
-night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
-bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
-where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
-deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
-you -- I'm Thor!".
-	The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
-like grated cheeth!"
-%
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		   pornography.
-%
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		pornography.
-%
-A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
-going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
-two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
-	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
-nothing.
-	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
-the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
-	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
-more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
-misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
-club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
-whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
-	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
-daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
-you?"
-	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
-%
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
-A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
-talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
-was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
-their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
-the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
-said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
-%
-A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
-true to the very end of the end of a friend.
-%
-A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
-who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
-speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
-unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-		-- Thackeray
-%
-A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
-trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
-mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
-results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
-octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
-the next morning, he asked the octopus,
-	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
-	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
-night!"
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly
-in the air can be safely called a liberal.
-%
-A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
-against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
-hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
-the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
-of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
-	"What happened to your car?"
-	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
-stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
-the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
-right on my key!"
-	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
-down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
-yourself!"
-	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
-%
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
-%
-A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
-%
-A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
-over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
-	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
-Bishop."
-	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
-	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
-might be made an Archbishop."
-	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
-	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
-	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
-	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
-be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
-	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
-up from being the Pope?"
-	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
-	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
-%
-A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
-commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
-	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
-the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
-field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
-room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
-beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
-	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
-looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
-obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
-%
-A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
-and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
-to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
-could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
-idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
-and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
-'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
-	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
-in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
-its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
-	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
-in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
-	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
-big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
-you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
-his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
-sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
-pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
-condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
-for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
-	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
-says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
-One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
-He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
-So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
-
-Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
-One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
-"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
-"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
-
-They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
-They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
-And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
-Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
-
-They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
-"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
-As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
-Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
-
-The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
-Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
-Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
-"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
-		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
-%
-A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
-all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
-Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
-	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
-cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
-	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
-all of 'em dead?"
-	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
-you know how them Mex'cans lie."
-%
-A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
-act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
-styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
-for fun at the lad's expense.
-	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
-The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
-her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
-a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
-tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
-give him the proper size.
-	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
-half interest in the store."
-%
-A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
-happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
-greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
-third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
-	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
-swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
-The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
-Runna Mickey!"
-	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
-carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
-	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
-to walk to first base.
-	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
-	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
-	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
-Joe.  Walka proud."
-%
-A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
-animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
-attendant.
-	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
-pricks than those raised in Africa?"
-	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
-about the same."
-%
-A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
-the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
-hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
-	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
-	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
-	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
-answer, right there."
-	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
-drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
-wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
-to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
-game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
-a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet.  In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
-	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
-	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
-%
-A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
-%
-A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
-for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
-a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
-with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
-uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
-	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
-	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
-	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
-"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
-%
-A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
-greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
-	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Tony?"
-	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
-	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
-but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Bernie?"
-	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
-	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
-your apple."
-	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
-the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
-that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
-but business is business."
-%
-A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
-%
-A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
-century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
-rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
-and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
-never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
-
-Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
-Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
-	does it look like?"
-LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
-	vegetables with its tail!"
-Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
-LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
-%
-A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-A virgin is chaste.
-%
-A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
-%
-A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
-comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-		-- Addison
-%
-A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
-*for the rest of your life*.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
-this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
-unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
-		masturbation is "by no means harmless"
-%
-A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
-%
-A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-		-- Scott
-%
-A woman forgives the audacity of which
-her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-		-- LeSage
-%
-A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
-dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
-about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
-	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
-with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
-much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
-	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
-side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
-	"On my balls."
-%
-A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
-thankful for a good one.
-		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
-%
-A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
-the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
-	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
-people personal questions."
-	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
-	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
-to tell you."
-	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
-car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
-the car and watch my purse."
-	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
-license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
-her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
-	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
-	"That's right!  How did you know?"
-	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
-	"Did you look in my purse?"
-	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
-	"You *do*?"
-	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
-%
-A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
-		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
-she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
-little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
-It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
-		-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
-%
-A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
-over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
-pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
-pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
-woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
-love, without virtue, without sex.
-		-- Balzac
-%
-A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
-		-- Pancho Villa
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
-%
-A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
-as he can.
-		-- Moms Mabley
-%
-A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
-sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
-off his penis.
-	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
-uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
-tell her why he won't make love to her.
-	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
-	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
-come here and look for yourself."
-	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
-	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
-	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
-condition."
-%
-A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
-She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
-three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
-%
-A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
-himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
-he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
-of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
-if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
-	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
-grant you three wishes."
-	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
-	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
-ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
-if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
-aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
-the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
-	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
-	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
-	"25."
-	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
-%
-A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
-daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
-a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
-out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
-who uses bad words?"
-	"Who told you?"
-	"A little bird," answered the mother.
-	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
-feeding the little bastards, too!"
-%
-A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
-as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
-like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
-be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
-carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
-worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
-the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
-A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
-received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
-
-	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
-	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
-	going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
-%
-A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
-%
-AC/DC is a rock band.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
-	(1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
-	     If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
-	(2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-	     -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
-%
-Adam's Law:
-	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
-	     they don't like what they have got.
-	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
-	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
-%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
-and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
-%
-Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
-such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
-%
-ADULTERY:
-	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
-%
-Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
-		-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
-%
-After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
-are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
-starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
-rummaging through a dresser drawer.
-	"What are you doing?" she asks.
-	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
-%
-After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
-bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
-love to men?"
-	"That's MY business," she snapped.
-	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
-%
-After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
-attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
-for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
-and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
-were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
-a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
-	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could
-be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
-	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
-like you doing in a hotel like this?"
-	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
-%
-After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
-%
-After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
-in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
-hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
-and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
-to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
-become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
-needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
-the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
-little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
-time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
-remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
-wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
-counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
-	"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
-%
-After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
-bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
-his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
-on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
-you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
-%
-After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
-the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
-indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
-	"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
-progress."
-%
-After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
-embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
-	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
-	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
-	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
-	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
-drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
-embarrass us.
-	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
-nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
-make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
-	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
-sister."
-	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
-"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
-%
-After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
-to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
-	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
-to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
-	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
-find one at three in the morning?"
-%
-After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
-brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
-		-- Ronnie Shakes
-%
-After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
-%
-AI hackers do it robotically.
-%
-AI hackers do it with robots.
-%
-Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
-		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
-%
-Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
-
-Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
-A:	Antler marks on their hips.
-%
-Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
-the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
-%
-Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
-daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
-	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
-	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
-	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
-	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
-so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
-screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
-down."
-%
-"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
-the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
-%
-alimony, n:
-	Having an ex you can bank on.
-%
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
-a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
-%
-All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
-them apart.
-%
-All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
-%
-All I want is a girl made of wood,
-With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
-She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
-Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
-		-- Pinocchio
-%
-All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
-penis or a vagina.
-		-- Florynce Kennedy
-
-There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
-or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
-injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
-And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
-And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
-And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
-Hello, operator, give me number nine,
-If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
-Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
-If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
-Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
-This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
-She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
-She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
-He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
-Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-		-- Princess
-%
-All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
-All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
-All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
-The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.
-
-All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
-All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
-All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
-The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.
-
-All things scabbed and ulcerous,
-All pox both great and small.
-Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
-The Lord God made them all.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
-crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
-part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
-there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
-important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
-president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
-believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
-the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
-a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
-going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
-home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
-collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-All work and no pay makes a housewife.
-%
-Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
-subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
-to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
-must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
-essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
-sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
-of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
-not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
-in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
-is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
-there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
-in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
-of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
-willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
-in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
-a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
-protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
-		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
-%
-Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
-of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
-appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
-proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
-superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
-inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
-responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
-natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
-the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
-on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
-anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
-to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
-up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
-week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
-your last sermon!"
-
-The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
-Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
-Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
-You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
-among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
-Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
-and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
-and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
-main may!'"
-%
-Always talk to your wife while you're
-making love... if there's a phone handy.
-%
-ambition, n:
-	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
-%
-America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
-with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
-anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
-		Trail"
-%
-America cannot be sold a can of beer without
-being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
-		-- Julius Lester
-%
-America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-		-- Allen Ginsberg
-%
-American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
-is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
-any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
-in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
-to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
-husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
-help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
-which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
-men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
-continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
-other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
-greatest friction.
-		-- James Michener, "Space"
-%
-America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
-%
-An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.
-	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
-dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
-Football," the American said.
-	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
-a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
-romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
-	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
-two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
-soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
-door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
-with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
-policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
-Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
-being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
-lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
-%
-An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
-exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
-only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
-for a cigar?" he asked.
-	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
-didn't like it."
-	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
-businessman asked.
-	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
-	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
-	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
-	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
-son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
-	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
-%
-An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
-dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
-visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
-arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
-hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
-"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
-	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
-ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
-	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
-friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
-and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
-hero.  He speaks first:
-	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
-	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
-capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
-capeau noir?"
-	"Ma femme est morte."
-	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
-%
-An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
-is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
-of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
-if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
-got a quick bite to eat.
-	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
-Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
-	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
-an open window and takes the seat.
-	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
-American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
-you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
-street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
-%
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
-An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
-logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
-been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
-		-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia
-%
-An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
-chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
-Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
-who has seen the Managing Director face on).
-		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
-%
-And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
-upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
-criminal at the bar of justice.
-		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
-%
-...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
-the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
-talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
-%
-And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
-he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
-me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
-the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
-suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
-not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
-lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
-other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
-redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
-no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
-nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
-lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
-and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
-were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
-old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
-and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
-lewd in it at all.
-		-- Marquis de Sade
-%
-And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
-... a brief pause, and then Bing!
-%
-And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
-as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
-	And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
-open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
-%
-And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
-And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
-		--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
-%
-And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
-victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
-freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
-off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
-he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
-his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
-a piece of tail.
-		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
-%
-And the northern lights commenced to glow.
-And she said, with a tear in her eye,
-"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
-%
-And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
-he was melting...
-%
-"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
-upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
-companion.
-	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
-%
-Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
-photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
-greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
-"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
-record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
-upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
-between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
-family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
-signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
-than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
-of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
-drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
-Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
-"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
-couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
-a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
-"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
-husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
-being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
-singer."
-		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
-%
-Another nun joke!!!
-	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
-this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
-exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
-there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
-%
-Another stupid gay joke!!!
-	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daiquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
-serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
-in and kick your ass?"
-	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
-thurstay...."
-	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
-as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
-bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
-lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
-	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
-%
-anxiety, n:
-	The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-panic, n:
-	The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
-Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
-his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
-%
-Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
-%
-Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
-%
-APL hackers take all they want.
-%
-Apple owners do it with mice!
-%
-APPOINTMENT BOOK:
-	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
-	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
-	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
-	it was you did during the past year.
-%
-Are there those in the land of the brave
-Who can tell me how I should behave
-	When I am disgraced
-	Because I erased
-	A file I intended to save?
-%
-ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
-	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
-	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
-	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
-	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
-%
-Arkansas:
-	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
-%
-As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
-and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
-be childless.
-
-The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
-doubtless, a separation.
-		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
-%
-As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
-sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
-was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
-%
-As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
-%
-As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
-makes the ride fun."
-%
-As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
-than the average asshole on the street.
-		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
-%
-As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
-within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
-sex."
-	One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
-know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
-have two alcoholics."
-%
-As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
-saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
-one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
-you're a veterinarian."
-%
-As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
-have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
-issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
-simply marvelous."
-%
-As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
-VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
-offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
-Driver's Handbook:
-	If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
-choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
-heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
-soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
-end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
-this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
-not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
-automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
-feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
-ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
-as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
-	-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-	-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-	-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
-who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
-	Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
-your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
-you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
-the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
-%
-As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
-figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
-oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
-inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
-could have been killed!"
-	The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was
-coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
-brakes."
-%
-As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
-%
-Ask your boss to reconsider --
-It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
-%
-Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
-woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
-she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-ASS:
-	The masculine of "lass".
-%
-Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
-%
-Assassins do it from behind.
-%
-At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
-it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
-the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
-NOT my rectum!"
-	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
-	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
-room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
-	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
-	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
-off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
-numbers on it!"
-%
-At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
-The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
-to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
-
-"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
-	theologians.
-"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
-	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
-%
-At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
-decent men in public life.
-		-- Renata Adler
-%
-Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
-%
-Australia's a lovely land
-It's full of bonza blokes,
-Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
-Except in Pommie jokes.
-
-Australians are lovely chaps
-They're God's own chosen race.
-If they ever see a fairy Pom
-They'll smash him in the face.
-
-Australians like dressing up
-In skirts and having fun
-And that's all we were doing
-When the Vice Squad came along.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-A-Z affectionately,
-1 to 10 alphabetically,
-from here to eternity without in betweens,
-still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
-sales talk from sales assistants
-	when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
-no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
-love's on arrival,
-she comes when she comes,
-right on the target but wide of the mark...
-%
-B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
-%
-Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
-		-- Nicolas Chamfort
-%
-Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
-popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
-blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
-back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
-kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
-give you $10 for a blow job."
-	The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
-killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
-you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
-	Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
-No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
-%
-Balls Law:
-	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
-	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
-%
-BALTIMORE:
-	Where the women wear turtleneck
-	sweaters to hide their flea collars.
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
-%
-Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
-%
-Beauty, n:
-	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
-%
-Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
-repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
-more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
-get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
-bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
-love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
-too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
-care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
-aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
-if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
-unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
-men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
-made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
-we are part of the women's liberation movement.
-%
-Bedfellows make strange politicians.
-%
-beef stroganoff, n:
-	A bull masturbating.
-%
-"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance, "I want to
-confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
-	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
-	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
-%
-Beifeld's Principle:
-	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
-	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
-	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
-	better-looking and richer male friend.
-		-- R. Beifeld
-%
-Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
-To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Bend over and take it like a man!
-%
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
-Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
-They buried him today,
-He lived the life of Riley,
-While Riley was away.
-%
-Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
-Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
-Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
-		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
-%
-Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
-%
-BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
-	The single girl's motto.
-%
-Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
-%
-Bi now, gay later!
-%
-Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
-generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
-prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
-and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
-you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
-isn't sharp.  In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
-remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
-with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
-A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
-can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
-erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
-results.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
-%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she
-don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
-%
-Birth, copulation and death.
-That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
-Birth, copulation and death.
-		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
-%
-Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Bitch, bitch, bitch --
-That's all I ever hear,
-Ever since the dog ate the baby,
-"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
-%
-Blow it out your ass!
-%
-Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
-sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
-Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
-driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
-%
-BOHICA:
-	Bend over, here it comes again.
-%
-Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
-your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
-one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
-but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
-feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
-something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
-because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
-mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
-self to try it.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
-Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
-%
-Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
-%
-Breakfast sometime?
-	Sure.
-Shall I call you or just nudge you?
-%
-Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
-Held venal traffic with a gnu.
-Mistaking fore for aft one morn
-Impaled herself upon its horn.
-
-Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
-	our furred and feathered friends.
-%
-Brigands will demand your money or
-your life, but a woman will demand both.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
-%
-Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
-[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
-		-- NY Times
-%
-Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
-week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
-students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
-with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
-the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
-to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Preliminary estimates during field testing
-revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
-the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
-campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
-Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
-addition to the usual humiliation.
-%
-brunette bush, n:
-	The dark side of the moon.
-%
-bug, n:
-	A son of a glitch.
-%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
-Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
-cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
-tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
-		-- Anonymous med school student.
-%
-But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
-Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-		-- S.I. Hayakawa
-%
-But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
-%
-Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
-		-- Lord Beaverbrook
-%
-By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
-get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-		-- Socrates
-%
-CAD:
-	A man who doesn't tell his wife
-	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
-%
-CALIFORNIA:
-	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
-	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
-	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
-%
-Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
-%
-callgirl, n:
-	A negotiable blond.
-%
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Camille's Axiom:
-	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
-	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
-%
-Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
-		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
-	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
-	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
-	recipients are Cancer people.
-%
-Candy
-Is dandy
-But liquor
-Is quicker.
-		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
-
-Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
-	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
-	and sex won't rot your teeth.
-%
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
-"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
-the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
-client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
-a hole in the ground."
-%
-Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
-Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
-		-- Bill Marr
-%
-Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,		This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
-Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
-	Sans bras et tout noir,			Without arms and all black,
-	Il etait affreux voir;			It was horrible sight;
-En effet, absolument la fin.		In effect, the absolute end.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
-Chastity:
-	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-CHASTITY BELT:
-	An anti-trust suit.
-
-	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
-%
-Chastity is its own punishment.
-%
-Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
-bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
-I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
-It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
-middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
-beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
-to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
-a wedding?"
-	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
-yeah."
-	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
-know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
-%
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
-Chorus:
-	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
-	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
-	And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
-	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
-	I don't want me pecker blown away,
-	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
-	And fornicate me bloody life away!!
-
-Monday I touched her on the ankle,
-Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
-And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
-And Thursday I saw you know what,
-Friday I put me 'and upon it,
-Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
-And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
-And now she pays me forty quid a week!
-Oh, blimey...
-
-[chorus]
-%
-CHRIST:
-	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
-%
-Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
-committing them?
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-CHRISTIAN:
-	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-	book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-CHRISTIAN:
-	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
-	as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
-%
-Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
-a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
-In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
-%
-CHRISTMAS:
-	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
-	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
-	response time of the entire year.
-%
-CHRISTMAS:
-	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
-	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our
-	choice.
-%
-Christmas comes but once a year,
-A time for love and laughter;
-You can come much more than that,
-But you have to clean up after.
-%
-Cinderella 10:
-	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
-	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
-%
-Clark Kent is a transvestite.
-%
-Clarke's Third Law:
-	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
-	magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
-	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
-	There is no magic ...
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
-and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
-%
-clitoris, n:
-	A haired trigger.
-%
-CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
-	We'll be of the opposite sex.
-Chorus:
-	Clone, clone of my own,
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-	And when we're alone,
-	Since her mind is my own,
-	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-		-- Randall Garrett
-%
-Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
-%
-COCAINE:
-	The thinking man's Dristan.
-%
-Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
-%
-Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
-%
-Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
-%
-Cocaine's a joke!
-	(Who's got the next line?)
-%
-cock-sucker, n:
-	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
-%
-Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
-What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
-		-- Orben's Current Comedy
-%
-Coito ergo sum
-%
-coitus interruptus, n:
-	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
-	"I want to have your child."
-%
-Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
-ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
-endure marriage.  But she?
-		-- Franz Kafka
-%
-COLD:
-	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
-%
-cold, adj:
-	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
-%
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
-and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
-%
-Come along and sing a song and join our family.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-Come on now, let's try another tie!
-	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
-All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post on A.S.B.!
-		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
-%
-Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
-Catholic girls start much too late,
-Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
-I might as well be the one.
-Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
-Built you a temple and locked you away,
-Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
-The things that you might have done.
-So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
-Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
-That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
-Never lets in the sun.
-Darling, only the good die young!
-		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
-%
-Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-COMMENT:
-	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
-	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
-	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
-	to those who think they aren't.
-%
-Communists do it without class.
-%
-Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
-%
-computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
-	Hot Apple pie.
-%
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-
-	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
-%
-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-Confucius say:
-	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
-	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
-	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
-	modern house without toilet uncanny.
-	man with athletic finger make broad jump
-	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
-		they shoot.
-	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
-	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
-	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
-		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
-	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
-	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
-%
-Confucius say:
-	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
-	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
-	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
-	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
-	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
-	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
-	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
-	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
-	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
-		get exhausted.
-%
-Confucius say:
-	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
-	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
-		next spring.
-	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
-	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
-	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
-	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
-	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
-	woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
-	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
-	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
-	eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
-	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
-%
-Confucius say:
-	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
-	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
-	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
-	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
-	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
-	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
-	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
-	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
-	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
-	man who streak unsuited for work.
-	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
-	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
-%
-CONFUSION:
-	One woman plus one left turn.
-EXCITEMENT:
-	Two women plus one secret.
-BEDLAM:
-	Three women plus one bargain.
-CHAOS:
-	Four women plus one luncheon check.
-%
-confusion, n:
-	Father's Day in San Francisco.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
-%
-continental breakfast, n:
-	A roll in bed with some honey.
-%
-Coors, n:
-	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
-%
-Copa-ulation:
-(to the tune of Copacabana)
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
-She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
-And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
-And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
-His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
-Won't you order one?
-
-At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
-But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
-Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
-She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
-But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
-But a real good time ...
-%
-Couples in motion have moments.
-%
-courage, n:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
-Cover your stump before you hump.
-Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
-Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
-Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
-If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
-		-- National Condom Week
-%
-Cox's philosophy:
-	Life's a bitch, then you die.
-%
-coyote love, n:
-	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
-	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
-	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
-	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
-	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-coyote ugly, adj:
-	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
-	a one-armed man!
-%
-coyote love, n:
-	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
-	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
-	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
-	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
-	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-coyote ugly, adj:
-	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
-	a one-armed man!
-
-See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
-as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
-%
-"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
-and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
-because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
-more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
-entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
-honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
-to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
-general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
-%
-crew, n:
-	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
-%
-Crinklaw's Observation:
-	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
-	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
-%
-Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
-%
-Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
-"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
-	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
-captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
-%
-Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
-Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
-I really must beg your pardon,
-But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
-From beating my meat, against the seat,
-Of a bicycle built for two.
-		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
-%
-Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
-%
-Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
-FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
-%
-Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
-from Avis again.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
-		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
-		rented car.
-
-If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
-me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
-		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
-
-	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
-stand-up guy.
-	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
-He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
-path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
-sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
-	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
-you wish to say?"
-	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
-got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
-you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
-%
-Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
-%
-Dave has an aeroplane,
-In which he likes to frisk.
-Oh what a foolish boy,
-His silly *.
-%
-David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
-a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
-sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
-is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
-	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
-for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
-much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
-	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
-
-		Sincerely,
-		Undecided.
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
-think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
-from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
-			--Confused
-
-Dear Confused:
-	If she coughs, fuck her.
-%
-Dear Ann Landers:
-	I have a problem.  I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
-Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
-in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died from insanity when
-I was three years old.  My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
-sells narcotics.
-	I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
-she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
-this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
-about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
-		-- Confused.
-%
-Dear Ann Landers:
-	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
-one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
-know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
-		-- E.J. Mayfield
-%
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
-	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
-	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-		-- Ansel Adams
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
-If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
-discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
-and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
-along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If,
-however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
-intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
-pink tongue.
-%
-Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
-telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
-	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
-%
-Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
-housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
-The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
-were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
-him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
-put one in whatever he's drinking."
-	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
-and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
-up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
-dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
-they were aspirin.
-	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
-the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
-of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
-"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
-	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
-%
-Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
-%
-diaphragm, n:
-	A childproof cap.
-%
-dicker, v:
-	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
-%
-Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-		-- Ed Sanders
-%
-Did you hear about...
-	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
-%
-Did you hear about...
-	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
-%
-Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
-her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
-ask it again.  He then asked her her weight.  She, once again, told him that
-she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.  The next
-question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again, she told
-him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
-again.
-	Some time later, she found him looking through her purse.  Sharply
-asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
-had found the answers to all of his questions!
-	"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
-125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
-%
-Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
-%
-Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
-You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
-%
-Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
-Found the body.
-%
-Did you know that some people your age have sex
-thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
-%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
-%
-Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
-%
-Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
-room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
-		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
-%
-Disclaimer of the Week:
-	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
-%
-Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
-As human gods aim for their mark,
-Make everything from toy guns that spark
-To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
-It's easy to see without looking too far
-That not much is really sacred.
-%
-Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
-%
-DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
-UP PERISCOPE!!!
-
-(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
-%
-divorce, n:
-	A change of wife.
-%
-Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
-%
-Do married women make the best wives?
-%
-Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
-step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
-For though the world stood up
-And stopped the bastard,
-The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Do something big -- fuck a giant.
-%
-"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
-Do you smoke after sex?
-Why, do you know, I've never looked!
-%
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
-Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
-very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-		-- Dick Brandon
-%
-Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
-		-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
-%
-Does it rape elephants?
-		-- Brent Byer
-%
-Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
-It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
-%
-Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
-are strange as hell.
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
-Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
-	Just sit in the sand
-	And do it by hand,
-And buy bonds with the money you save.
-%
-Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
-%
-Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
-idea that I'm knocking the American system.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
-Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
-%
-Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
-%
-Dope will get you through times of no money
-better than money will get you through times of no dope!
-		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
-%
-Down by the old model T,
-Where she first showed it to me.
-	It was furry and black,
-	And she called it a crack,
-But it looked like a manhole to me.
-%
-Draft beer, not boys!
-%
-Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
-but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
-exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-		-- Grace Slick
-%
-Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
-%
-Dull women have immaculate homes.
-%
-During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
-Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
-Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
-read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
-that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
-said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
-well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
-the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
-misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
-say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
-nuts.'"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-dyke, n:
-	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own
-	tampons.
-%
-Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
-%
-Dyslexics have more fnu.
-%
-DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
-%
-Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
-%
-Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
-%
-Eat shit and die a virgin!
-%
-Economists are still trying to figure out why the
-girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
-%
-EE's do it without shorts.
-%
-Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
-		-- Chinese Proverb
-%
-Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
-		-- Jackie Mason
-%
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-	1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night,
-		and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
-	2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
-	3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
-		...is married
-		...is on penicillin
-		...likes you -- but loves your brother!
-	4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
-	6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
-	7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
-	10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
-%
-embarrassment, n:
-	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
-%
-Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
-as a male schlemiel.
-		-- Ewald Nyquist
-%
-Erogenous zone, n:
-	The skin you touch to love.
-%
-eternity, n:
-	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
-%
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
-Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
-%
-Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
-(Tell mate you have to work late.)
-%
-Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
-wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
-Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
-%
-Every harlot was a virgin once.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
-like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
-and at least a pint of ether.
-		-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
-drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
-		Amen!"
-Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
-Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
-Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
-New-Bruce:	"No!"
-Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
-	Rule One!"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
-	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
-	drinking.  Rule Five..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
-	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
-	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
-Except for women.
-%
-Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
-Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer"
-and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
-%
-Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
-are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
-	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
-cats.
-	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
-	They're neat.
-	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
-about it.
-	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
-	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
-	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty negligible.
-It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
-do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
-%
-Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-		-- Ellyn Mustard
-%
-exotic dancer, n:
-	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
-%
-falsie salesman, n:
-	Fuller bust man.
-%
-Famous last words:
-	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
-	2: You and what army?
-	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
-	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
-		be a cop.
-	5: I don't see how they make a profit
-		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
-	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
-	7: Everything's under control.
-	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
-%
-Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
-of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
-long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
-She was a virgin tried and true
-Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
-There ain't nothin' she won't do!
-	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
-	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
-	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
-	That's why caviar is my dish!
-
-Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
-He was a man of ninety-three
-Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
-He had chased her up a tree!
-	(chorus)
-%
-felt tip, v:
-	Past tense for a breast examination!
-%
-Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
-flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-female, n:
-	Life support system for a pussy.
-%
-Feminism, n:
-	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
-	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
-%
-Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
-%
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-Fie for shame,
-you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
-libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
-Fig Newton.
-%
-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-%
-Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
-Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
-
-Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
-Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
-Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
-Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
-Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
-Tarzan:   That Jane.
-Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
-Tarzan:   Cunt.
-%
-First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
-Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
-Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
-You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
-Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
-Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
-Doin' the Vatican Rag.
-
-So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
-Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
-	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
-%
-Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
-He was born in Palestine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so cool, he's so fine
-Eat his bread and drink his wine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so neat, he's so cool,
-Walks across my swimming pool.
-Has anybody...
-%
-Flirt, n:
-	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
-%
-Floating idly one day through the air,
-A circus performer named Blair,
-	Tied a sizeable rock,
-	To the end of his cock,
-And shattered a balcony chair.
-%
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
-Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
-to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
-by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
-bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
-life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
-gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
-and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
-Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
-a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
-appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
-Mr. Joe Gideon!!
-		-- All That Jazz
-%
-For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
-%
-For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
-%
-For a good time, call 632-9485.  Ask for Michael.
-%
-For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
-Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
-	He's endowed with a dong
-	That is 12 inches long,
-So he wedges his foot in the door.
-%
-For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
-		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
-
-When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
-		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
-%
-For children, a woman.
-For pleasure, a boy.
-For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
-%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
-exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was
-raised!
-%
-For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
-sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
-simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
-alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
-one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
-over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
-sweetheart?"
-	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
-cocksucker!"
-%
-fornication, n:
-	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15
-
-Sex:
-	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
-foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
-
-Maturity:
-	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
-function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
-and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
-romances rarely work out.
-
-Handwriting:
-	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
-chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
-"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
-"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
-when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18
-
-Sexual frequency:
-	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
-morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
-have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
-
-Shopping:
-	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
-Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
-will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
-He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
-color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
-half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
-his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
-relax.
-%
-Fortune Personals:
-	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
-	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
-	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
-
-Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
-Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
-Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
-Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
-						contraceptives.
-^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
-Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
-Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
-	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
-La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
-Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
-^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
-	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
-%
-Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
-
-Try:
-	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
-	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
-	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
-	%blow					(C shell)
-	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
-	got a light?				(C shell)
-	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
-	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
-	make love
-	make "the perfect dry martini"
-	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
-	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
-
-You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
-proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
-proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
-your coffee.  You:
-
-	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
-	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
-	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
-		"In" basket.
-	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
-
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
-tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
-live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
-		remember your name.
-	(b)  Ask what position she played.
-	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
-	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
-		if he recognizes the label.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
-
-You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
-your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
-the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
-to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
-in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
-his daughter.  Your next move is to:
-
-	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
-	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
-	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
-		daughter and get her number.
-	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
-and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
-there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-	(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
-		name.
-	(b) Ask what position she played.
-	(c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
-		he recognizes the label.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
-
-You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchilada casserole and
-egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
-Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
-bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
-
-	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
-	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
-	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-%
-Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
-could go either way.
-%
-Fortune's Guide to Movies:
-G:   No girl.
-PG:  The hero gets the girl.
-R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
-X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
-	which end it will be.
-XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
-
-	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
-you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
-If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
-you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
-of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
-	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
-you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
-rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
-not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
-	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
-"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
-they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
-don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
-are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
-scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
-rational discussion.  (See above.)
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
-
-The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
-recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
-30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
-final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
-the author of that memo:
-	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
-	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
-	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
-	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
-	3: something unpleasant.
-The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
-has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
-electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
-of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
-the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
-a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
-
-	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
-
-	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
-%
-Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
-Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
-shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
-one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
-us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
-	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
-medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
-decided to have the vagina removed."
-	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
-mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
-these years?"
-%
-France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
-the toilet paper.
-		-- Billy Wilder
-%
-From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
-fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
-moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
-whispered,
-	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
-inches?"
-There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
-	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
-in a row!"
-%
-Fuck art; let's dance!
-%
-Fuck off and die!
-%
-Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
-%
-Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
-%
-fuck-me-pumps, n:
-	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
-The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
-heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
-them properly.
-%
-fuckoff, n:
-	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
-%
-Gardeners do it in raised beds.
-%
-GARTER:
-	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
-	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
-%
-Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
-Donna Rice home.
-%
-GAY:
-	One who'd rather swish than fight.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
-you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
-little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing incest.
-%
-Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
-%
-George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
-find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
-leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
-bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up
-at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
-%
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
-also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
-Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
-GEORGIA:
-	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
-%
-"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
-"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
-"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
-"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
-
-"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
-you'd like to go out with me!"
-
-Oh my god you little Geek!
-Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
-I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
-You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
-I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
-					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
-I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
-You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
-Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
-I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
-					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
-"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-"Well, she didn't say no..."
- 		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
-%
-GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
-%
-Get your bytes from our backend!
-		-- Britton Lee
-%
-Getting an education at the University of California
-is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
-Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
-Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
-	But her genital area
-	Is so vast it'll scareya,
-And you venture inside at your peril.
-%
-Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
-	Lean closer.
-Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
-	Smile at her *knowingly*.
-Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
-	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
-Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
-	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
-Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
-	Look sincere.
-
-"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
-
-	God's gift to women strikes again.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-'Cause it's good enough for me!
-
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-And it's good enough for me!
-%
-Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
-		-- Archie Goodwin
-%
-Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
-%
-Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
-that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
-certain curvilinear properties.
-		-- Ashley Montagu
-%
-Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
-yourself!
-%
-Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
-however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
-upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
-have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Girls who throw themselves at men,
-are actually taking very careful aim.
-%
-Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
-%
-Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Give me Librium or give me Meth.
-%
-Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
-%
-GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
-	A girl into choral sex.
-%
-Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
-and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
-%
-God is a polytheist.
-%
-God is an atheist.
-%
-God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
-%
-God is not dead -- he's been busted.
-%
-God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
-on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
-divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
-checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
-%
-God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
-%
-God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
-%
-God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
-%
-God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
-where to go.
-	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
-	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
-	"Well, how about Mercury?"
-	"No, it's too hot there."
-	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
-	"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
-there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
-still talking about it."
-%
-God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
-Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
-will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
-in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
-for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
-over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
-turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
-bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
-impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
-for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
-without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
-dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
-(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
-that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
-expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
-%
-Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
-is fatal to a virgin.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
-Sold in a market down in New Orleans
-Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
-Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
-
-Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
-Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
-
-Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
-Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
-House boy knows that he's doing alright
-You should a heard him just around midnight.
-...
-I bet your mama was tent show queen
-And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
-I'm no school boy but I know what I like
-You should have heard me just around midnight.
-		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
-%
-Goldfish:  Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
-"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
-It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
-Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
-unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
-the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
-simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
-Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
-able to get loose.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
-%
-Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
-Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
-
-Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
-isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
-
-It's swell to have a Stiffy,
-it's divine to have a Dick,
-from the tiniest little Tadger,
-to the world's greatest Prick.
-
-So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
-Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
-
-Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
-your Porky or your Cock,
-you can wrap it up in ribbons,
-you can stick it in your sock!
-
-But, don't take it out in public,
-or they will stick you in the dock,
-and you won't come back.
-                -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
-%
-good scout, n:
-	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
-%
-Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
-window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
-good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
-voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
-the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
-great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
-Gorbachev then woke up Raisa and his closest aides, brought them into his
-bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
-"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
-Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
-day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
-	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
-dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
-Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
-you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
-asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
-%
-Grain grows best in shit.
-		-- U.K. LeGuin
-%
-Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
-%
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-great lover, n:
-	A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
-them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
-I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
-his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
-in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
-men stood lookout.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
-	slips you some tongue.
-%
-Gynecologist, n:
-	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
-%
-HACKER:
-	A master byter.
-%
-Hackers do it bottom-up.
-%
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
-Hackers have kernel knowledge.
-%
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
-Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
-are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
-is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
-		-- From alt.sex
-%
-Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
-%
-Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
-Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
-	Babies' diapers. --
-	Bottom wipers. --
-Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
-%
-Handy hint:
-	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
-	when you're out of tampons.
-%
-Hang gliders come down very slowly.
-%
-Hangover, n:
-	The burden of proof.
-%
-HAPPINESS:
-	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
-%
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
-mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
-between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
-or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
-his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
-Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
-22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
-determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
-program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
-lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
-rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
-	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
-by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
-could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
-	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
-recognize you."
-%
-Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
-when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
-boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
-off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
-that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
-he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
-a stretcher.
-	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
-Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
-enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
-	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
-feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
-Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
-	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
-Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
-%
-Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
-America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
-difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
-got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
-by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
-but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
-attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
-General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
-up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
-thought of this...
-%
-Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
-President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
-my period."
-		-- Steven Moore
-%
-Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
-uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
-if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
-laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
-other parts of our bodies are dumber.
-%
-Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
-mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
-water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
-is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
-don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They don't give a
-damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
-Shirley" week after week.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
-Like some bright erotic star,
-He lights up the proceedings,
-And raises the temperature.
-		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
-%
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-		-- R.E. Masters
-%
-Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
-satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
-powers.
-	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
-Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
-the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
-work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
-	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
-he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
-"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
-	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
-The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
-	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
-	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
-and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
-	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
-"Beep-beep!"
-	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
-"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
-%
-Having made a remark rather coarse,
-A young lady was seized with remorse;
-	She fled from the room,
-	And later, a groom
-Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-He:	Am I... am I your first?
-She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
-%
-He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
-%
-He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
-She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
-%
-He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
-But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
-		-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
-%
-He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
-muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
-But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
-a pocket camera?
-		-- An Exciting Journey
-%
-He dove down overweighted with lead.
-Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
-	He flapped and he flailed,
-	Spit his hose and he wailed,
-Swallowed water and found himself dead.
-%
-He drank with curvy Mable,
-The pace was fast and furious,
-He slid beneath the table,
-Not drunk but merely curious.
-%
-He grabbed me by my slender neck,
-I could not call or scream.
-He dragged me to his tiny room,
-Where we could not be seen.
-He tore away my filmy wrap,
-And gazed upon my form.
-I so cold and frightened,
-While he so strong and warm.
-He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
-I gave him every drop.
-He drained me of my very self,
-I could not make him stop!
-And that is why you see me here,
-An empty, broken bottle of beer...
-%
-He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
-So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
-unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
-do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
-hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
-	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
-	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
-into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
-cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
-but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
-that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
-asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
-	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
-of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
-a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
-	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
-great!"
-	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
-a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
-%
-He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
-%
-He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
-%
-He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
-scared it'd get serious.
-%
-He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
-%
-He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
-and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
-Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
-It's the only job he's qualified for!
-		-- Michael Cain
-%
-He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
-%
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
-pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
-%
-He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
-sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-Hear about...
-	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
-	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
-	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
-	the bed?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
-	started chiseling on his wife?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
-	his whatchamacalit?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
-	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
-	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
-	go up on him?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
-	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
-	which end it will be.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
-	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
-	wrong foot?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia?  His patients didn't
-	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
-	everybody in the joint?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
-	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
-	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
-	fired them?
-%
-Hear about...
-	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
-	her between the limbs?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
-	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
-	delinquency of a major?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
-	to the front?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
-	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
-	then his wife didn't leave town?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
-	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
-	sailors?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
-	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
-	such a sweet liquor?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
-	off?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy?  Just kind of lost
-	his ball bearings.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
-	lost his ball bearings?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
-	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
-	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
-	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
-	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
-	a lot more than letters behind the files?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
-	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the little boy that found a fifty cent
-	piece, so he went home for some money?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
-	for some money?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
-	Palm Sunday, of course.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
-	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
-	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
-	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
-	and they eat each other.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
-	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
-	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
-	single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new rule at the girls' school?
-	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
-	it makes men cocky and women lay better?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the nurse they thought had drowned
-	until they found her under the doc?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
-	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
-	without getting any mail in her box?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
-	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
-	someone would grab his seat?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
-	wide receiver?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
-	off the sofa?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
-	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
-	feel like a new man?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
-	new man?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
-	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
-	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
-	she's a wonderful mount?
-%
-Hear about the...
-	guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
-	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
-%
-Hear that...
-	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
-	Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
-	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
-	in good standing?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
-	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
-	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
-%
-Hear that...
-	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
-	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
-%
-Hear that...
-	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
-	version -- with nuts of course?
-%
-Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
-Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
-%
-He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
-They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
-	So he put Spanish fly
-	In their pudding and pie
-And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
-%
-Heisenberg may have done it.
-%
-"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
-"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
-	It's not that I funk
-	At a mouthful of spunk,
-But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
-%
-"Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
-		-- Zippy the Pinhead
-%
-Hello, children!!
-	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
-	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
-	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
-
-	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
-	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
-	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
-	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
-
-	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
-	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
-	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
-	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
-
-	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
-	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
-	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
-	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
-	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
-%
-Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
-%
-HENPECKED HUSBAND:
-	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
-%
-Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
-%
-Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
-Just gave birth to another Texan.
-%
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
-of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
-the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
-when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
-suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
-over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
-one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
-an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
-stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
-illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
-The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
-He spent his life in a futile hunt,
-To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
-And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
-'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
-%
-Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
-She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
-She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
-She has the box the cherry came in.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
-She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
-She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
-She makes things stand that have no feet.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's sweet,
-Here's to the girl that's true,
-Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
-
-In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
-the rest of the night?
-%
-Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
-she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
-she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
-can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
-%
-Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
-into her hands.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-HERMIT:
-	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
-%
-HERPES:
-	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
-	Much better.
-%
-He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
-%
-He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
-read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
-%
-He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
-he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
-%
-Hey baby!
-	How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
-become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
-like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
-They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
-today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
-male or female edition.
-%
-HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
-Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
-for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
-oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
-%
-Hickory Dickory Dock,
-Three mice ran up a clock!
-The clock struck one,
-Right in the balls!
-
-There was an old woman,
-Who lived in a shoe,
-Who had so many children,
-Her uterus fell right out.
-%
-Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
-Yale University			Extracurricular
-Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
-Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
-%
-Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
-%
-Home is where the hurt is.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-Honest, officer, had I known my health was
-in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
-%
-HONOR:
-	Almost as good as in 'er.
-%
-horny, adj:
-	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
-%
-Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
-Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
-weak sister to be shored up.
-		-- J.R. Ewing
-%
-HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
-	Vol. I -- Etiquette
-
-1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
-	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
-2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
-3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
-	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
-	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
-4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
-5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
-	toy submarine.
-%
-How can you say that the world isn't
-Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
-%
-How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
-%
-How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
-gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.
-We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
-%
-How should they answer?
-		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
-		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
-%
-How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
-Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
-%
-HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
-	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
-	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
-	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
-	the keys.
-%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
-Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
-bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
-%
-Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
-%
-hypocrite, n:
-	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
-%
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
-country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
-I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
-You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
-going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
-you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
-a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
-%
-I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
-perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
-too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
-the one immortal blemish of mankind.
-		-- Fredrich Nietzsche
-%
-I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
-I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
-just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
-about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
-hand on the nuclear button."
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
-I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
-dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
-and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
-		-- Betty MacDonald
-%
-I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
-afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
-		-- Peter Knight
-%
-I choked Linda Lovelace.
-%
-I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
-but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
-and wallowing in its odor.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
-here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
-rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
-5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
-absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
--- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
-Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
-& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
-began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
-Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
-they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
-Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
-Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
-week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
-Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
-		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
-%
-I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
-%
-I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-
-        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
-%
-I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
-them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
-the plan.
-		-- Richard Nixon
-%
-I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
-money and all the pussy.
-		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
-%
-I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
-		-- The Undergraduate
-%
-I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
-I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
-If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
-Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
-My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
-	Breaking My Heart
-Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
-Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
-When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
-	With You Is the Pits
-I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
-		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
-%
-"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
-marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
-%
-I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
-one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
-%
-I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
-It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
-	just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
-I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
-And she replied, "A Stetson."
-%
-"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
-sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
-cows came home."
-%
-I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
-Italians -- they're so Jewish.
-		-- Kay Ballard
-%
-I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
-boy, were they mad!
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
-years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
-"Made in Taiwan".
-		-- The Stunt Man
-%
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You must have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
-the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
-the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
-it was enough to make a blown man cry."
-%
-I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
-take our fill of love until the morning.
-		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
-%
-I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
-but when I tried it I kept falling off.
-%
-I knew Leo G. Carrol
-Was over a barrel
-When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"]
-And I really got hot
-When I saw Jeanette Scott
-Fight a trifid that spits poison and kills.
-
-Science fiction, double feature
-Doctor X will build a creature.
-See androids fighting Brad and Janet
-Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
-Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
-At the late night, double feature, picture show.
-		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
-Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-		-- Doctor Dirty
-%
-I know of a fortunate Hindu
-Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
-	By the ladies he knows,
-	Who are thrilled to the toes
-By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
-%
-I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
-Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-		-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
-%
-I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
-an Englishman in the dark.
-		-- Duncan Spaeth
-%
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
-I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
-is to bring a New Yorker home first.
-%
-I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
-%
-I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
-into my neighborhood after dark.
-		-- Dick Gregory
-%
-I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
-it was hell.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
-%
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
-%
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon Johnson
-%
-I only date queers.
-                -- Bisexuality, 101
-
-        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
-%
-I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
-bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
-as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
-		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
-%
-I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
-intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-I shot a query into the net.
-I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
-But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
-And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please
-					Don't send such drivel overseas;
-A lawyer sent me private mail
-And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax:
-I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
-And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile
-					And criticized my writing style.
-Each day I scan each Subject line
-In hopes the topic will be mine;
-I shot a query into the net.
-I haven't got an answer yet...
-		-- Ed Nather
-%
-I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
-with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
-		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
-		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
-		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
-than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I think the Mormon prophet
-Was a very funny man.
-I wonder how his wives enjoyed
-His Prophet Sharing Plan.
-%
-I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces.  What a lot we
-had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
-dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
-from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
-Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
-with the faeces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
-them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
-an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
-of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
-to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
-What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
-Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
-the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
-of an Untenured Professor?
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
-%
-I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
-		-- Dudley Moore
-%
-I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
-%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
-I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
-%
-I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
-by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
-about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
-	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
-two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
-	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
-dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
-	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
-that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
-call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
-%
-"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
-grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
-and stuck it in my back."
-	"What did you do?"
-	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
-%
-I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
-a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
-of them had V.D.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I wish I was a fascinating lady
-With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
-I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
-I'd live in a house with a little red light
-And once a month I'd take a small vacation
-And leave all the men to their imagination
-And once in a while I'd go all wild
-And have myself an illegitimate child
-I wish I were a fascinating lady
-Instead I'm the minister's child
-%
-I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
-%
-I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
-having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-I'd like to give the world a hug
-And tell it jokes and stuff
-And pull its pants down to its knees
-And chase it through the rough
-
-Then tie it up with bonds and straps
-And search its purse for change
-Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
-With our cousin who's deranged ...
-		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
-%
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
-%
-"I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
-man as its logo."
-		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
-%
-I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
-%
-If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
-does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
-%
-If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
-%
-If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
-He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
-%
-If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
-%
-If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
-		-- Malcolm Bradbury
-%
-If God had wanted people to give blow
-jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
-%
-If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
-would He have made it look like a taco?
-%
-If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
-%
-If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
-In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
-If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
-I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
-If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
-Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
-I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
-I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
-
-I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
-I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
-I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
-I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
-If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
-Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
-I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
-Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
-[Chorus]
-	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
-	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
-	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
-	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
-		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
-%
-If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
-%
-If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
-%
-If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
-carpenter.
-		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
-%
-If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
-to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
-the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
-pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
-lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
-lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
-think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
-Net Mail ...
- 		-- Casey Leedom
-%
-If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
-%
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
-If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
-%
-If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
-masturbate.
-		-- Diogenes the Cynic
-%
-If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
-		-- Mel Brooks
-%
-If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is
-only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
-in 1966, only two went back to women.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
-If they can, then fuck 'em.
-%
-If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
-If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
-%
-If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
-%
-If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
-%
-If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
-%
-If you find for your verse there's no call,
-And you can't afford paper at all,
-	For the true poet born,
-	However forlorn,
-There is always the lavat'ry wall.
-%
-If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
-%
-If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
-abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
-%
-If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
-town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
-screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
-... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
-night.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
-in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
-friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
-like one or the other of you planned.
-%
-If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
-when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
-%
-"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
-doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
-	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
-out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
-always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
-down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
-side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
-aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
-tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
-gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
-%
-I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
-		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
-%
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Don't want to be on my feet,
-When I can be on my back,
-Don't want to be on the floor,
-When I can be in the sack!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm just a little bit tired
-If you know what I mean,
-Don't want to be in a crowd
-When I can be in a dream!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Baby!
-And, baby, let me prove it to you,
-Baby, let me prove it to you!
-		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
-%
-I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
-		-- Martin Cruz Smith
-%
-I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
-		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
-		   in the shade.
-
-Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
-dropped.
-		-- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.  Eddie Cantor's
-goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is Jewish.  Marine Corps
--- heavy goyish, dangerous.  Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are
-goyish.  Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
-Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
-very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is goyish.  Lime soda is
-very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-		-- J.F. Kennedy
-%
-I'm not a pheasant plucker,
-I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
-I'm just a'plucking pheasants
-'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
-		-- The Irish Rovers
-%
-"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
-		-- NPR
-%
-I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
-%
-I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
-		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
-
-She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
-		-- Song title by Jerry Reed.
-
-When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
-		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
-
-I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
-		-- Unattributed song title.
-
-Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
-		-- Unattributed song title.
-%
-I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
-girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
-like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
-		-- Sam Kinison
-%
-I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
-
-Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
-	I'm getting WARM....
-
-I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
-	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
-
-Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
-couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
-%
-Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
-Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
-David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
-And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
-There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
-Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
-
-John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
-On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
-Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
-Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
-Hobbes was fond of his dram,
-And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
-Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
-A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
-%
-impotent loser, n:
-	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
-%
-In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
-what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
-Finally they decide:
-	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
-bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
-Finally a telegram comes back:
-	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
-%
-In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
-chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
-principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
-sucked into it.
-%
-In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
-Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
-	His wife said, "Oh, stuff
-	That philosophy guff
-Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
-%
-In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
-Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
-with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
-Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
-soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
-		-- Firesign Theatre
-%
-In days of old, when knights were bold,
-	And rubbers weren't invented,
-They tied their socks around their cocks
-	And babies were prevented.
-%
-In France they piss on Main Street
-(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-		-- Joni Mitchell
-%
-In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
-its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
-%
-In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
-%
-In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
-he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
-has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
-that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
-ago."
-		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
-%
-In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
-And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
-their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
-
-And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
-Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
-"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
-may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
-spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
-of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
-
-And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
-Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
-very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
-Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
-And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
-%
-In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
-beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
-evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
-evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
-the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
-bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
-	"Didn't you forget something?"
-	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
-	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
-	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
-"A Polish officer never accepts money."
-%
-In the shade of the old apple tree
-Where between her fat legs I could see
-	A little brown spot
-	With the hair in a knot,
-And it certainly looked good to me.
-
-I asked as I tickled her tit
-If she thought that my big thing would fit.
-	She said it would do
-	So we had a good screw		In the shade of the old apple tree
-In the shade of the old apple tree.	I got all that was coming to me.
-						In the soft dewy grass
-I could hear the dull buzz of the bee		I had a fine piece of ass
-As he sunk his grub hooks into me.	From a maiden that was fine to see.
-	Her ass it was fine
-	But you should have seen mine
-In the shade of the old apple tree.
-%
-In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
-kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
-kissing him on the balls.
-		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
-%
-Incest, n:
-	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
-%
-Infatuation, n:
-	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
-	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
-%
-In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-%
-====================
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Doc
-Re: S. White
-
-	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
-her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
-surprises.
-%
-====================
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Happy
-Re: S. White
-
-	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
-more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
-%
-Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
-the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
-cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
-a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
-	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
-When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
-in second," Palmer replied.
-	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
-	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
-%
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
-It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
-it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
-into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
-%
-It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
-general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
-%
-It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
-%
-It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
-Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
-half are doing it.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
-damn thing over and over.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
-You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
-%
-It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
-to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
-could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
-broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
-		-- Schopenhauer
-%
-It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
-war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
-teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
-to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
-mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
-the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
-means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
-of a diabetic ..."
-	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
-registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
-fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
-startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
-finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
-his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
-was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
-all of us foolishly licked that finger.
-	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
-principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
-We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
-anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
-continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
-licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
-%
-It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
-if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
-Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
-but there's just no way for us to know it.
-		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
-%
-It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
-%
-It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
-very unfortunate place to have it.
-		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
-%
-It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
-sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
-of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
-"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
-a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
-	The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
-the apparent miracle.
-	A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
-moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
-later came back.
-	By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
-beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
-teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
-AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
-they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
-	The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
-shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
-lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
-the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
-rocks are?"
-%
-It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
-immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
-on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
-day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
-%
-It seems that John gets this phone call:
-	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
-is hard and cold.
-	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months
-ago.
-	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
-	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
-we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
-and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
-	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
-he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
-%
-It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
-was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
-a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
-forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
-from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
-but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
-Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
-the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
-gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
-even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
-pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
-he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
-forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
-lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
-Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
-upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
-the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
-	"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
-%
-It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
-Especially in a paternity hearing.
-%
-It takes leather balls to play rugby.
-	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
-%
-It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
-They can kiss that shit goodbye.
-%
-It was a female that drove me to drink
-and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
-		-- R.E. Baber
-%
-It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
-They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
-the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
-excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
-off and we'll see what he does?"
-	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
-off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
-jumping up and down.
-	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
-your clothes and we'll see what he does."
-	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
-really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
-in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
-the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
-	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
-%
-It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
-frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
-bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
-	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
-answered sternly.
-	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
-	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
-at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
-you like?"
-	"Vinegar and water."
-%
-It was April the 41st,
-Being a quadruple leap year.
-I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
-My Barracuda was in the shop,
-So I was in a rented stingray
-	-- and it was over-heating.
-So, I pulled into a Shell station.
-They said I'd blown a seal.
-I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
-	life out of it, okay pal?"
-		-- Wet Dreams
-%
-It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
-gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
-line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
-Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
-they beautiful?"
-	"Just fair," was the answer.
-	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
-asked his opinion.
-	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
-about."
-	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
-you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
-	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
-I'm a tit mouse myself."
-%
-It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
-"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
-dream!"
-	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
-and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
-	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
-sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
-wife."
-	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
-you will!"
-%
-It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
-their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
-	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
-married three times."
-	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
-and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
-of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
-third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
-would be up in 15 minutes.
-%
-It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
-trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
-knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
-in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
-Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
-the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
-	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
-	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
-her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
-	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
-"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
-%
-It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
-not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
-written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
-a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
-the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
-myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
-my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
-where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
-was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
-our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
-oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
-would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
-her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
-don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
-because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
-good things in your life.
-		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
-%
-It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
-was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
-upperclassman, he inquired,
-	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
-	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
-sentences with a preposition."
-	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
-is at, asshole?"
-%
-It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
-huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
-jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
-have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
-	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
-I'll be the Daddy."
-	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
-%
-It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
-what I mean.
-		-- David Crosby
-%
-It's a bitch being butch.
-%
-It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
-on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
-%
-It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
-I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
-		   of older women versus younger women
-%
-"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
-in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
-soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
-%
-It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
-%
-It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
-%
-It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
-20-year-old son comes in.
-
-	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
-bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
-	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
-	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
-chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
-	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
-	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
-likka that?"
-	"Papa, we're not Italian."
-%
-It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
-		-- Sean O'Huiginn
-%
-It's not pretty being easy.
-%
-It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
-%
-It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
-%
-It's the sighs that count.
-%
-I've been feeling kind of jealous,
-Of all them well-hung fellas,
-Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
-Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
-I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
-If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
-					They would turn on to my hardon --
-					If I only had a cock.
-Oh, I can tell you now,
-The number of times I'd score,
-I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
-	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
-And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
-And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
-					Life would be a ding-a-derry
-					If I only had a dong!
-		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
-%
-I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
-on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
-were more than enough.
-%
-I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
-and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
-to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
-gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
-The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
-the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
-maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
-weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
-four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
-in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
-Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
-have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
-Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
-		Sincerely,
-		Santa
-%
-I've finally found the perfect girl,
-I couldn't ask for more,
-She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
-And owns a liquor store.
-%
-I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
-		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
-%
-Jack an Jill went up the hill.
-Jill went down,
-Jack came.
-%
-Jack and Jill went up a hill
-To fetch a pail of water.
-Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
-And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
-					Then went down and told the town
-					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
-Jack to Jill thus did such ill
-That Jill, to pay the rotter,
-Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
-When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
-					Half the town deals Jill a frown
-					And half greets Jack with laughter.
-%
-Jack and Jill went up the hill
-Each had a buck and a quarter.
-Jill came down with two and a half --
-And you thought that they went for water.
-%
-Jack and Jill
-Went up the hill,
-Each had a buck and a quarter!
-Jill came down,
-With two and a half,
-You think they went for water?
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
-Jack jumped over the candle stick,
-And burnt his balls.
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
-Jack jumped over the candle stick.
-But Jack wasn't so nimble,
-Jack wasn't so quick,
-So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
-%
-Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
-%
-Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
-%
-Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
-and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
-among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
-	Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
-Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
-I'm trying to make a point, here!"
-%
-Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
-%
-Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
-		-- Michael O'Donohugh
-%
-Jesus Never Fails
-
-(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
-%
-Jesus Saves!
-
-(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
-%
-Jesus Saves,
-Moses Invests,
-But only Buddha pays Dividends.
-%
-Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
-%
-Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
-		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
-%
-Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
-on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
-	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
-women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
-	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
-	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
-	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
-	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
-%
-Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
-%
-John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
-his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
-	"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
-the women!"
-%
-Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
-	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
-	over to the side of the road.
-%
-Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
-a prompt, type like hell.
-%
-Just go with the flow control, roll with the
-crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
-%
-Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
-blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
-like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
-or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
-came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
-nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
-crucified in the morning.
-		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
-%
-Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
-are scared and the women are grateful.
-%
-kasha, n:
-	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
-	problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
-	I know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you
-	much.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
-	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
-	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
-%
-King Louis gave a lesson in class,
-One time while enjoying a lass.
-	When she used the word "Damn"
-	He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
-Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
-%
-Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
-sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
-for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-		-- Margaret Sangor
-%
-Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
-tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
-take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
-get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.
-
-Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
-writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
-but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
-that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
-				the hip.
-
-The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
-her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
-then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
-cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
-	with him.
-		-- Kitten With A Whip
-%
-Knowledge Engineering:
-
-A combination of:
-
-Engineering, n:
-	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
-of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
-structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
-
-and
-
-Knowledge, n:
-	Sexual intercourse.
-
-See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
-%
-Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
-fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
-species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
-or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
-threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
-in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
-most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
-such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
-flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
-raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
-hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
-meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
-went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
-into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
-grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
-left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
-intention movements, that is.
-		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
-%
-Kotex, n:
-	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
-%
-Kumquat, n:
-	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
-	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
-	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
-	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
-	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
-	during orgasm.
-
-	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
-	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
-%
-Labia majora, n:
-	The curly gates.
-%
-Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
-Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
-Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
-Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
-%
-lagnaf, n:
-	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
-%
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
-"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
-"In a long-distance telephone booth,
-	I enjoyed the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection --
-I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
-%
-Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
-%
-lawyer, n:
-	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
-	closely."
-%
-Lawyers do it to everyone.
-%
-Left a good broad by the river,
-Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
-Waited for 10 hours,
-Went back to the river,
-But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
-
-chorus:
-	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
-
-If you're gonna run for office,
-And you know that it's an election year.
-Don't go in the river,
-'Specially by way of bridges,
-It could put an end to your political career!
-(chorus)
-		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
-%
-"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
-people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
-to you?"
-		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
-		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
-%
-Les salons de la ville de Trieste
-Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
-	Parmi les grandes chaises
-	On cause des malaises,
-Des estropiements, et des pestes.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
-%
-Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
-disqualified from entering.
-	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
-	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
-	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
-They *must* be wrong!"
-	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
-parakeet with black trim."
-	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
-replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
-%
-LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
-	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
-reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
-employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
-prostitutes.  All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
-%
-Lick-a-dee-clit!
-%
-Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
-%
-Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
-It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
-%
-Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
-in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
-%
-Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
-can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
-%
-Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
-you have, the less shit you have to eat.
-%
-Life is not a cabaret.
-It's a fucking circus.
-%
-Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
-%
-Like private parts to the Gods are we,
-they play with us for their sport.
-		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
-%
-Limericks are art forms complex,
-Their topics run chiefly to sex.
-	They usually have virgins,
-	And masculine urgin's,
-And other erotic effects.
-%
-Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
-Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
-Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
-'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
-%
-Lisp hackers
-	... do it in CARS.
-	... do it with tail recursion.
-	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
-	... have DEFUN while doing it.
-	... have to be bound to do it.
-	... have Moby dicks.
-%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
-Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
-%
-Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
-%
-LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
-'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
-experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
-cold.  A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
-with.  On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
-By then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
-for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
-or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
-with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others simply shut their
-eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
-to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
-intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
-told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
-hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
-morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
-the night before.
-	"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
-	"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
-your prayers have been answered."
-Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
-	"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
-	"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
-%
-Little Johnny with a grin,
-Drank up all of daddy's gin,
-Mother said, when he was plastered,
-Go to bed, you little love-child.
-%
-Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
-1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
-	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Eating her curds and whey.
-Along came a spider,
-And bit her right in the snatch.
-%
-Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
-Eating her curds and whey.
-Along came a spider,
-Who sat down beside her,
-And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Her knickers all tattered and torn.
-For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
-But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
-%
-Little Miss Muffet,
-Sat on her tuffet,
-Smoking some THC.
-Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
-And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
-%
-Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
-her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
-	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
-	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
-"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
-%
-Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
-When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
-raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
-distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
-stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
-black hat and a red neckerchief.
-	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.
-He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
-dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
-had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
-	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
-horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
-with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
-this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
-	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
-house and rustled my cattle?"
-	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
-	"You better cut that shit out!"
-%
-Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
-		-- Louis B. Mayer
-
-The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
-was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Love comes in spurts.
-%
-Love comes in spurts.
-	--Devo, "Please Please"
-%
-Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
-%
-Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
-%
-Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
-twang of a bedspring.
-		-- S.J. Perelman
-%
-Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
-		-- Johnny Rotten
-%
-Luser, n:
-	Someone who picks up a female
-	hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
-%
-Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
-%
-Macho, adj:
-	Jogging home from a vasectomy.
-%
-Male, n:
-	Life support system for a cock.
-%
-Man in stall:
-	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
-Man at sink:
-	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
-	any of the other stalls either.
-A minute passes.
-Man in stall:
-	Say, buddy?
-Man at sink:
-	Yeah?
-Man in stall:
-	You got change for a ten?
-%
-Man who dance in crowded ballroom
-dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
-%
-Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
-%
-Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
-Some say not even indecent.
-But if you lust,
-It's a must!
-%
-Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
-%
-Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
-because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
-satisfaction of his death.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
-not have chosen a suit by it.
-		-- Maurice Chevalier
-%
-Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
-whole girl.
-		-- Stephen Leacock
-%
-Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
-a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
-%
-Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
-is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
-		-- Edward Gibbon
-%
-Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
-But she can never catch him at it.
-%
-Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
-%
-Many nice things suck.
-%
-Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
-at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
-		-- Billy Carter
-%
-Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-		-- Peter De Vries
-%
-Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out,
-you lose interest.
-		-- Professor Irwin Corey
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-Its fleece as white as snow.
-It followed her to school one day,
-And got fucked by a big black dog.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-She kept it in a bucket.
-And every time she let it out,
-The bulldog used to
-Chase it around the garden.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-The lamb turned out to be a ram,
-Now Mary has a little lamb.
-%
-Mary had a little sheep,
-And with the sheep she went to sleep,
-The sheep turned out to be a ram,
-And Mary had a little lamb.
-%
-Mary had a little watch;
-She swallowed it one day.
-And so she took some Ex-Lax
-To pass the time away.
-
-But when she took the Ex-Lax
-The time it did not pass.
-So when you want to know the time,
-Just look up Mary's ...
-		Uncle, he has a watch, too.
-%
-Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-masturbation, n:
-	A self-service elevator.
-%
-masturbation, n:
-	Coming unscrewed.
-%
-Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
-%
-Mathematicians
-	... do it in groups.
-	... do it in theory.
-	... take it to the limit.
-%
-Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
-%
-Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
-described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
-		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
-%
-May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
-take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
-%
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
-May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
-%
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
-Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
-opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
-%
-McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
-	If an item is advertised as "under $50",
-	you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
-%
-McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
-the passengers who were injured.
-	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
-the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
-think when you saw this happen ?"
-	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
-a railroad."
-%
-Me father makes book on the corner,
-Me mother makes second hand gin,
-Me sister makes love for a dollar,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-		(Rolls in!)
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-
-Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
-Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
-Me sister performs the abortions,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-Me uncle's a poor missionary,
-He saves fallen women from sin.
-He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
-And that's how the money rolls in.
-%
-Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot
-of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
-are assholes too.  And an asshole with money can at least pay
-for his own drinks.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
-%
-Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
-they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
-And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
-as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
-%
-Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
-Afflicted with psychotic warps.
-	His idea of fun
-	Is to bugger a nun,
-And then vomit all over the corpse.
-%
-Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
-		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
-Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
-'em by the curb when you're done.
-%
-Men have many faults,
-	Women only two:
-Everything they say,
-	And everything they do!
-%
-Men will fuck mud.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-menage a trois, n:
-	Using both hands to masturbate.
-%
-Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
-also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
-body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
-should not be seen by the light of day.
-		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
-%
-Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and it
-has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
-closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
-the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
-
-	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
-	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
-	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
-
-... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
-cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
-billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
-interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
-skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
-who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
-views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
-much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Meteorologist, n:
-	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
-%
-Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
-the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
-with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
-
-Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
-Mickey  : Oh?
-Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
-Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
-		fuckin' Goofy.
-%
-Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
-wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
-%
-"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
-testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
-		-- Ripping Yarns
-%
-Missed the train at the railway station
-Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
-Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
-She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
-%
-Missionary position:
-	The missionary on top.
-%
-Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
-How does your garden grow?
-With silver bells and cockle shells,
-And one really fucked-up petunia.
-%
-Mistress, n:
-	Something between a mister and a mattress.
-%
-mixed emotions:
-	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
-	in your brand new Mercedes.
-%
-Montana:
-	Where men are men and women are sheep.
-%
-Moody bitch in search of...
-	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
-%
-Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
-good-looking guy to dump on.
-%
-Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
-blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
-tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
-His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
-the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
-her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
-	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
-for breakfast tomorrow."
-%
-Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
-out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
-%
-Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
-%
-Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
-to be otherwise.
-		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
-%
-Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
-%
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
-	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
-	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
-Moustache rides, 50 cents.
-%
-Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
-%
-Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
-problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
-time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
-that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
-his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
-couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
-	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
-had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
-took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
-	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
-started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
-door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
-tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
-	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
-and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
-Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
-arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
-the door.
-	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
-chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
-%
-Murphy's Discovery:
-	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
-	to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
-	everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
-	months later, you're in trouble!
-%
-Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
-fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
-understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
-being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
-they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
-things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
-		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
-	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
-		    of AIDS, book reveals"
-%
-My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
-dahlias.
-		-- William Allen White
-%
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
-He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
-My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
-in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
-Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
-		-- T. Bywater
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
-%
-My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
-		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
-%
-My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
-and they stick.
-		-- Johnny Bob
-%
-My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
-		-- Friday
-%
-My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife
-came home early from work and found us in bed together.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
-vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
-quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
-paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
-		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
-		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
-		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
-		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
-		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
-		   cannonball on the stomach.
-%
-My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
-want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
-to screw again as long as I live.
-		-- Erica Jong
-%
-My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
-%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap
-Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man
-For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me
-As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
-Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
-
-A brand-new store just opened its door
-At the corner of 5th and Vine
-And I happened to be standing right outside
-When they turned on their neon sign.
-I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
-And that's when I almost died,
-They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
-To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
-%
-My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
-She's up to three packs a day.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
-		-- Howard Stern
-%
-Naeser's Law:
-	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
-%
-Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
-naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
-sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
-	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
-%
-Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
-seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
-%
-National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
-%
-navel, n:
-	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
-%
-Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
-Watch who you sleep with.
-%
-necrophilia, n:
-	Dead boring.
-
-incest, n:
-	Relatively boring.
-%
-necrophilia, n:
-	Dropping in for a cold one.
-%
-Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
-Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
-%
-Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
-%
-Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-		-- Gordon Cooper
-%
-"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
-"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
-%
-Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
-%
-NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-	"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
-a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
-New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
-%
-New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
-it's the asshole of the universe.
-		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
-%
-New York:
-	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
-%
-Newlywed groom:
-	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
-	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
-	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
-Newlywed bride:
-	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
-Groom:
-	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
-	through...
-%
-Newsflash:
-	Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
-predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
-of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
-	Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
-expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
-to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
-than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
-living in Stenton, North Dakota.
-%
-Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
-Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
-		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
-%
-Nice computers don't go down.
-%
-Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
-%
-Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
-	1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
-		so the lid won't stay up.
-	2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
-	3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
-	4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
-	5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
-		demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
-	6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
-		or speculate about your next one.
-	7: A taco will never make a scene because
-		there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
-	8: It's easy to drop a taco.
-	9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
-%
-Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-		-- Theodore Sturgeon
-%
-No matter how clever the hardware boys
-are, the software boys piss it away.
-%
-No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
-		-- Greg Bear
-%
-Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
-	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
-%
-Not everyone has a one-track mind.
-		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
-%
-Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-nothing, adj:
-	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
-%
-Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
-tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
-Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
-can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
-of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
-a doctor, that's why we killed him.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
-Who said with a wink and a smile,
-	"Sure, please stick it in,
-	Be it thick be it thin,
-But if's rough I won't do as a file."
-%
-Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
-have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
-of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
-"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
-"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
-you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
-promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-		-- D. Adams
-%
-Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
-Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
-Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
-What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
-%
-Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harassing her.  She came up
-with this in response to one...
-
-	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
-	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
-	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
-	meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
-	comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
-	morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
-
-	"Just think," said
-
-	Nurse Jones,
-	 "... that was four
-	   hours ago and
-	    my sperm count
-	     is probably *still*
-	      higher than yours."
-%
-Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
-%
-Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
-		-- Joseph Pulitzer
-%
-Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
-their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
-because it's obscene.
-%
-Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
-%
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
-Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
-exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
-author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
-"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
-Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
-an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
-himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
-
-	"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
-ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
--- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
-spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
-There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
-sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
-%
-Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
-The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
-%
-Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
-%
-Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
-Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
-Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
-And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
-%
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
-That got run over with my mower.
-One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
-The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
-It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
-It landed by the kitchen door.
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
-that ain't gonna walk no more...
-		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
-%
-Oh John, let's not park here.
-Oh John, let's not park.
-Oh John, let's not.
-Oh John, let's.
-Oh John.
-Oh.
-%
-Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-		-- Don Herold
-%
-OLD FELLA RED CLARET
-	Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
-
-An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
-and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
-prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
-slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
-Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
-buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
-with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
-gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
-In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
-who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
-
-It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
-
-Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
-	 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
-%
-Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
-A merry old soul was he.
-He called for his pipe,
-And he called for his drums,
-And he fiddled with his call girls three.
-%
-Old King Cole
-Was a merry old soul,
-A merry old soul was he!
-He called for his pipe,
-And he called for his bowl,
-And he fiddled with his call girls three!
-%
-Old McDonald had a farm,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-And on this farm he had some chicks,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-With a chick-chick here,
-And a chick-chick there,
-Here a chick,
-There a chick,
-Everywhere a chick-chick,
-Old McDonald lost his farm
-'Cause he had too many chicks!
-%
-Old McDonald had a farm,
-E-I-E-I-O
-And on this farm he had some chicks,
-E-I-E-I-O
-With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
-Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
-Old McDonald lost his farm,
-'Cause he had too many chicks.
-%
-Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
-She had so many children,
-She didn't know what to do.
-So she moved to Atlanta.
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard,
-Went to the cubbard,
-To get her poor doggie a bone.
-
-But when she stooped over,
-Old Rover, he drove her.
-You see, he had a bone of his own.
-%
-Olmstead's Law:
-	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-%
-On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
-herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
-The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
-went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
-a man making love to the corpse.
-	"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
-that woman is dead!"
-	"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
-"I thought she was an American!"
-%
-On Brassieres:
-	Russian:	Uplifts the masses.
-	Salvation Army:	Raises the fallen.
-	American:	Makes mountains out of molehills.
-%
-On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
-Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
-on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
-apprehended.
-	Sheriff-to-interpreter:	"Ask him where the money is."
-	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He wants to know where you hid the money."
-	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"I'll never tell, never!"
-	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says he'll never tell, senor."
-At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
-bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
-says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
-chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
-me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
-	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He says if you don't tell him where the
-		money is right now, he will kill you here."
-	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
-		under the big tree at the pass!"
-	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says you ain't got the balls..."
-%
-Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
-eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
-only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
-better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna
-fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
-my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
-to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I
-gonna back to Italy.
-%
-Once a woman has given you her heart you
-can never get rid of the rest of her.
-		-- Vanbrugh
-%
-Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
-for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
-as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
-group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
-group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
-exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
-very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
-had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
-Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
-That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
-and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
-all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
-the way I do.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-Once upon a girl there was a time...
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
-two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
-observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
-running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
-white cow!"
-	The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
-alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
-going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
-say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
-	Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
-while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
-came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
-	The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
-know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
-	Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
-made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
-wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told
-you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
-the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
-%
-Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
-fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
-cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
-she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
-jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
-down."
-	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
-you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
-%
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-There are three morals to this story:
-1)	Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-2)	Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-3)	If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
-somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
-on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
-enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
-	"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
-time comes, I am going to be that one."
-A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
-knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
-and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
-All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
-all his might.
-	"Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
-%
-Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
-and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
-coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
-	The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
-sleeping in my bed!"
-	And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
-%
-Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
-us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
-smaller prime numbers.
-
-2:  The Odd Prime --
-	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
-3:  The True Prime --
-	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
-31: The Arbitrary Prime --
-	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
-	case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
-	the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
-	However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
-41: The Female Prime --
-	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
-	prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
-43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
-
-Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
-are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
-but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
-%
-Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
-the rest of life is that much easier.
-%
-Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-%
-One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
-boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
-Finally the office boy was brought in.
-	"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
-playing around with my secretary?"
-	"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
-like that, sir."
-	"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
-%
-One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
-into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
-to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
-he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
-the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
-and approached the farmer.
-	"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
-	Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
-in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
-that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.  This here's
-mah wife's idea."
-%
-One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
-a polar bear?"
-	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
-the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
-ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
-a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
-	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
-%
-One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
-anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
-he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
-Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
-threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
-The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
-	Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
-he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
-the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
-"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
-with my car once, remember?"
-	"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
-lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
-in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
-the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
-	"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
-to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
-%
-One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
-the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
-they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
-place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
-	God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
-to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
-will create your mate."
-	So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
-asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
-ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
-the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
-Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
-	"God?"
-	"Yes, Adam, what now?"
-	"God, what's a headache?"
-%
-One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
-enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
-eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
-little dog.
-	What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
-he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
-	"Blossom," she replied.
-	"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
-parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
-	"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
-under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
-thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
-name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
-	How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
-walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
-inquired.
-	"Porky," was the child's reply.
-	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
-	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
-%
-"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
-gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
-said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
-guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
-analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
-problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
-I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
-stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
-and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
-'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
-		-- Stephen Wright
-%
-One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
-tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
-to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
-of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
-orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
-the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
-care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
-all your beer and spit it in my face?"
-	"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
-and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
-beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
-%
-One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
-officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
-thacramento ith?"
-	The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
-	The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
-attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
-walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
-"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
-	"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
-%
-One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
-to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
-his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
-bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
-Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
-call a doctor.
-	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
-gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
-the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
-much hope."
-	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
-cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
-	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
-%
-One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
-One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
-%
-One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
-%
-One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
-and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
-seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
-another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
-wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
-like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
-%
-One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
-to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
-	"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
-put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
-Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
-	"Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
-		-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
-%
-One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
-accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
-testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
-all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
-enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
-	"What trip?"
-%
-One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
-compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
-%
-One of the most expensive things in life
-is a girl who is free for the evening.
-%
-One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
-goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
-He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
-following Sunday.
-	"9:30 okay?"
-	"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
-The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
-left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
-George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
-late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
-played right-handed and beat them again.
-	"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
-	"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
-	Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
-be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
-*or* right-handed."
-	"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
-superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
-right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
-	"What if she's lying on her back?"
-	George said, "That's when I'm late."
-%
-One should be cherry of virgins.
-%
-One, two, three, four
-What are we fighting for?
-Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
-Next stop is Vietnam.
-Five, six, seven, eight
-Open up the pearly gates.
-Ain't no time to wonder why
-Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
-		-- Country Joe and the Fish
-%
-One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
-his ass from a hole in the ground!
-%
-Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
-%
-Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
-%
-Operators mount anything!
-%
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
-but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
-		-- Hal Hickman
-%
-OPTIMIST:
-	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
-%
-ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
-	The word "No".
-%
-oral sex, n:
-	The taste of things to come.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-	availability goes to zero.
-%
-Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
-cash them in.
-%
-Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
-Why pierce my skin, so white?
-You grow plump, as a leech.
-Stop!  I beseech (in vein).
-
-I have no choice.
-Why waste my voice,
-When only a slap will do?
-Ouch, I am bitten!
-What ho, you are smitten!
-Yo mosquito, fuck you.
-		-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
-%
-Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
-quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
-%
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
-maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
-in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
-good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
-for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
-over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
-three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
-their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
-an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
-ever considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
-possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
-of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
-baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
-sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
-from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for three
-seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their
-souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
-infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
-ever considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
-possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
-case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
-pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
-way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
-comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been
-on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
-her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
-catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
-elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
-were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
-In all of the directions it can whiz;
-As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
-Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
-So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
-How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
-And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
-'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
-%
-Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
-	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
-and I will lead you to the promised land."
-	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
-your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
-	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
-the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
-%
-Painters do it with even strokes.
-%
-Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
-mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
-%
-Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
-bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
-%
-Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
-%
-Pee-wee Recommends:
-
-When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
-the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
-
-	+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
-	+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
-	+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
-%
-penis envy, n:
-	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
-%
-People humiliating a salami!
-%
-People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
-%
-People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
-		-- Peter Sellers
-%
-Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
-on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
-a pedestal the better to view her legs.
-		-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
-%
-Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
-Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
-	She declined and declined
-	Till approached from behind...
-When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
-%
-Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
-%
-philadelphia flying fuck, n:
-	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
-	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
-	him orally.
-
-	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
-	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
-	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
-%
-Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-		-- Karl Marx
-%
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
-Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
-he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
-%
-pile driver, n:
-	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
-%
-Planned Parenthood:
-	The emission Control Center.
-%
-Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
-He announced as he folded with flair,
-	"I had four of a kind,
-	But those aces combined,
-Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
-%
-PLUNDERER'S THEME
-	(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
-
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
-Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-%
-pocket pool, n:
-	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
-	For women, it's playing the slots.
-%
-polish fly, n:
-	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
-%
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
-Pompoir:  The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
-
-'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
-a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
-hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
-practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
-as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
-above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
-queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
-are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
-them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
-induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
-is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
-that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
-nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
-		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Postulate #1:	Nothing is better than sex.
-Postulate #2:	Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Conclusion:	Masturbation is better than sex.
-%
-Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
-Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
-I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
-it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
-	"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
-give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
-all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
-your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
-bottom window."
-	"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
-	"Just whistle."
-	"Whistle?"
-	"That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
-you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
-%
-Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
-%
-Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
-%
-premature ejaculation, n:
-	A spoilspurt.
-%
-premature ejaculator, n:
-	Troubled shooter.
-%
-Premenstrual Syndrome:
-	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
-%
-Prince Absalom lay with his sister
-And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
-	But the kid was so tight,
-	And it was deep night --
-Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
-%
-Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
-%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
-the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
-in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
-picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
-%
-Programmers do it bit by bit.
-%
-Programmers do it until it goes down.
-%
-Programmers get overlaid.
-%
-PROMOTION:
-	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
-%
-Prope mare erat tubulator
-Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
-	Dessine ingressus
-	Audivi progressus:
-Est mihi inquit tubulator.
-%
-Prostitution is the only business where you
-can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
-%
-Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
-Check three friends.  If they're okay, you're it.
-%
-Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They
-both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
-make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
-out the door.
-%
-pubic hair, n:
-	Organic dental floss.
-%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
-And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
-And drank Manishiewitz wine.
-Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
-And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
-And other kosher stuff.
-
-Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
-Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
-Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
-That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
-%
-Q:	Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
-A:	He's the only one with a duck.
-
-Q:	Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
-A:	He's the only one who bets on the duck.
-
-Q:	And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
-A:	The duck wins!
-%
-Q:	Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
-A:	No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
-%
-Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
-A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
-%
-Q:	How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
-A:	Real men don't care.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
-A:	Give her a couple of test tickles.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
-A:	She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
-A:	She has a mouthful of feathers.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
-A:	By the stiff upper lip.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
-A:	Who cares?
-%
-Q:	How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
-A:	She answered the iron.
-
-Q:	How did she burn the other side of her face?
-A:	They called back.
-%
-Q:	How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
-A:	Cusinart.
-
-Q:	How do you get them back out?
-A:	Doritos.
-%
-Q:	How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
-A:	Propose.
-%
-Q:	How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
-A:	Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
-
-Q:	Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
-A:	No -- so it must work pretty well!
-
-Q:	How did Tarzan die?
-A:	Picking cherries!!!
-%
-Q:	How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
-A:	Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
-%
-Q:	How do you know your elephant had her period?
-A:	There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
-%
-Q:	How do you make a dead baby float?
-A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
-%
-Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
-A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
-%
-Q:	How do you play Religious Roulette?
-A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
-	by lightning first.
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
-	your backyard?
-A:	Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
-	or an airline stewardess?
-A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
-	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
-	and over again until we get it right."
-	An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
-	nose and breathe normally."
-
-... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
-... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
-... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
-... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
-%
-Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
-A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
-%
-Q:	How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
-A:	It isn't hard.
-%
-Q:	How does a mink get babies?
-A:	The same way babies get minks.
-%
-Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
-
-A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
-	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
-	guaranteed freedom after speech.
-
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
-A:	Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
-%
-Q:	How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Three, but they're really only one.
-%
-Q:	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
-
-Q:	How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
-%
-Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
-	does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
-	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
-	can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
-	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
-%
-Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
-	bulb, in San Francisco?
-A:	Both of them.
-%
-Q:	How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
-	without a man.
-%
-Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
-	what would Cheetah have been?
-A:	A fur coat.
-%
-Q:	What can you use used tampons for?
-A:	Tea bags for vampires.
-%
-Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
-A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
-%
-Q:	What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
-A:	Your bicycle.
-%
-Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
-A:	They both like a tight seal.
-%
-Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
-A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
-	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
-
-Q:	Why do elephants have trunks?
-A:	Sheep don't have strings.
-%
-Q:	What do two WASPs say after making love?
-A:	Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
-A:	Trustworthy.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
-A:	A transistor.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
-A:	Toys for twats.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
-	of garden hose?
-A:	Darling.
-		[Often?  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
-A:	Parents.
-%
-Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
-A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
-%
-Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
-A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
-A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
-A:	A computer that won't go down.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
-A:	Your last blowjob.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
-A:	A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
-A:	Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
-	once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
-	your eyes...
-%
-Q:	What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
-	moth ball in the other hand?
-A:	One hell of a big moth!
-%
-Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
-A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
-%
-Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
-A:	Will the defendant please rise?
-%
-Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
-A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
-	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
-	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
-%
-Q:	What goes
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-A:	Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
-%
-Q:	What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
-A:	A frog in a blender.
-
-Q:	What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
-A:	Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
-%
-Q:	What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
-A:	Baby in a blender.
-
-Q:	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
-A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
-%
-Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
-A:	Boy Scouts.
-%
-Q:	What is Smoorplay?
-A:	What Smurfs do before they smuck!
-%
-Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
-A:	Snowballs!
-%
-Q:	What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
-A:	Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
-%
-Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
-A:	Dating a Canadian.
-%
-Q:	What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
-	revolving doors?
-A:	A nun with a javelin through her head.
-%
-Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
-A:	Half a nun.
-%
-Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
-A:	A corpse.
-%
-Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
-A:	Chewing gum.
-%
-Q:	What's invisible and smells like carrots?
-A:	Bunny farts.
-%
-Q:	What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
-A:	The guy that gave it to him.
-%
-Q:	What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
-A:	The guy he got it from.
-%
-Q:	What's red and covered with little dents?
-A:	Snow White's cherry.
-%
-Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
-A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
-
-Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
-	are removable!
-
-Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
-	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
-A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!
-
-Q:	What is a compact city?
-A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
-	policemen!
-		-- Peter Lax
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
-	pinscher humping your leg?
-A:	You let the doberman finish.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
-A:	About four drinks.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
-A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
-	War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
-
-	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
-	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
-A:	About 10 pounds.
-
-Q:	How do you make them the same?
-A:	Force feed the elephant.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
-A:	A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
-A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
-A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
-A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
-	the whole bird...
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
-	and Ronald Reagan?
-A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
-	difference.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
-A:	It stays dark all night.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
-A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
-	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
-	"and some cigarettes."
-%
-Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
-	he hits your windshield?
-A:	His ass.
-
-Q.	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
-	mind when he hits your windshield?
-A.	Oh, SHIT!!
-%
-Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
-A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
-%
-Q:	What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
-A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
-%
-Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
-A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
-%
-Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
-A:	Ugly sheep.
-%
-Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
-A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
-%
-Q:	Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
-A:	They're just pussy substitutes!
-%
-Q:	Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
-A:	Because she's dead.
-%
-Q:	Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
-A:	He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
-%
-Q:	Why did God invent booze?
-A:	So ugly men could get laid too.
-%
-Q:	Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
-A:	She'd never been taught to say no.
-%
-Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
-A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
-%
-Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
-		Jo Kopechne drowned?
-A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
-%
-Q:	Why do dogs lick their private parts?
-A:	Because they can.
-%
-Q:	Why do ducks have webbed feet?
-A:	To stamp out forest fires.
-
-Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
-A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
-%
-Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
-A:	They want to.
-%
-Q:	Why do men marry women?
-A:	You can't teach sheep to do housework.
-%
-Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
-A:	Very few of them know how to dance!
-%
-Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
-A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
-		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
-%
-Q:	Why do WASP's play golf ?
-A:	So they can dress like pimps.
-%
-Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
-A:	So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
-%
-Q:	Why do women love Pacman?
-A:	Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
-%
-Q:	Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
-A:	Because 8 inches isn't enough.
-%
-Q:	Why don't blind people skydive?
-A:	It scares the dogs!
-
-Q:	How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
-A:	The leash goes slack.
-%
-Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
-A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
-%
-Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
-
-A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
-	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
-	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
-A:	Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
-	gang-rejected her.
-%
-Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
-A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
-	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
-%
-Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
-
-A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
-A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
-A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
-A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
-A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
-%
-Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
-A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
-A: Age.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
-A: The taste.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
-A: About three inches.
-%
-Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
-A: He couldn't help it.
-
-Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
-A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
-%
-Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
-A: 'Cause they can!
-
-(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
-%
-Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
-A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
-
-Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
-A: BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
-%
-QOTD:
-	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
-	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
-	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
-	who has that dream?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
-		-- Joan of Arc
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
-	ticket."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
-%
-QOTD:
-	I met her [his fiancee] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
-	grip.  He's a lucky man.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
-	time it rained."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
-%
-QOTD:
-	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
-	a pair of velcro gloves.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
-	the guy who screwed her last."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
-	her shadow!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
-	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
-	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
-		-- Richard Sexton
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
-	who gets tied up."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
-	going to put that thing *where*?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
-	you stick those little prongs into it.
-		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
-%
-QOTD:
-	No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
-	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
-%
-QOTD:
-	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
-	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
-%
-QOTD:
-	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
-	and the others are more than willing to watch them.
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
-	all night."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
-	a few good men!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
-	crabby all month long."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
-	Poster Girl."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
-	happy women."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
-	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
-	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
-	Then get the fuck out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
-%
-quickie, n:
-	A moment's piece.
-%
-quickie, n:
-	No sooner spread than done.
-%
-QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
-equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
-structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
-grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
-in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
-symptoms of a qwert.
-		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
-%
-Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
-Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
-%
-randel, n:
-	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
-	apology for farting at a friend.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
-Bo Derek:		35-24-36
-Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
-Bette Middler:		37-25-36
-Marilyn Monroe:		37-24-37
-Jane Russell:		39-27-38
-Jayne Mansfield:	40-23-37
-Sophia Loren:		37-25-36
-%
-Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
-of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
-%
-Reach out and fuck someone.
-%
-Readers Ask:
-	Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
-
-Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
-usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
-a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
-possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
-of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
-driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
-it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
-puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
-avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
-and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
-Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
-more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
-through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
-sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
-holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
-do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
-urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
-(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
-you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
-%
-real buddy, n:
-	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
-	and give you one.
-%
-real class, adj:
-	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
-%
-Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
-%
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps them to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
-	On a bad trip
-	When the cops come
-	When I lose my head
-	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
-	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-		-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
-%
-Reformed, n:
-	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
-%
-rejection, n:
-	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
-%
-Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
-%
-Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
-champagne is the best tenderizer.
-%
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
-out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
-pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
-the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
-	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
-	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
-someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
-blow job in the world!' on the wall."
-	"Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
-we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
-	"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
-phone number!"
-%
-Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
-Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
-%
-rodeo fuck, n:
-	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
-	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
-	for seven seconds...
-%
-Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
-%
-Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
-With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
-The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
-So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
-Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
-With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
-Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
-They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
-	Roland the Thompson gunner...
-His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
-But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
-So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
-That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
-	Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
-Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
-He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
-Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
-But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
-The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
-Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
-In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
-Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
-%
-ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
-MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
-			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
-%
-Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
-"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
-"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and the barbers,"
-	replies Rosenberg.
-"Why the barbers?"
-"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
-%
-Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
-%
-Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
-%
-rugby, n:
-	A sport requiring leather balls.
-%
-Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
-two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
-%
-Runners do it alone.
-%
-Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
-immensely profitable years in the construction business.
-	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
-constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
-am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
-	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
-dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
-Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
-	But suck one little cock..."
-%
-San Francisco:
-	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
-	there.
-%
-San Francisco is my kind of city,
-Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
-%
-Save a forest - eat a beaver!
-%
-Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
-%
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
-Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
-%
-schnuffel, n.:
-	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
-	company.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
-her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
-%
-Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
-ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
-		-- Edgar Berman
-%
-SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
-If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
-this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
-
-Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
-%
-Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
-the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
-	"What are you here for?" he asks.
-	"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
-and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
-but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
-	"Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
-	"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
-to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
-	"Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
-	Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
-	"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
-	"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
-	"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
-	"OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
-I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
-wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
-resist it!" admitted the dog.
-	"Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
-	"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
-%
-Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
-were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, with
-the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
-again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, God!" he cried.  "I
-know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please show me a sign,
-so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
-	It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his
-plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once
-and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other
-three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
-	So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
-right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a bigger sign."
-	This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
-one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
-the rabbis.  The cloud dispersed at once.  "I told you I was right!" insisted
-the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
-be explained by natural causes.
-	The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
-just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
-a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
-	The sky returns to normal.  The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
-and snarls, "Well?"  "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
-%
-Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
-pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
-a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
-her what that means.
-	"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
-	"Yeah..."
-	"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbuttom her blouse."
-	"Yeah..."
-	"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
-then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
-	"Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
-%
-Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
-asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
-imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
-%
-Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
-he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
-cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
-more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
-believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
-Could we maybe talk?"
-	The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
-the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
-starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
-I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
-there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
-	Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
-in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
-much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
-she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
-and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
-have to be the "back door".
-	As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
-panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
-you on the bus yesterday.
-	Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
-actually the bus driver."
-%
-Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
-symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
-production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
-security while they're being screwed.
-%
-Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
-		-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
-%
-SEMINARS:
-	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
-%
-Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
-		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
-		material glorifying violence?"
-Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
-Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
-		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
-		Johnny."
-
-		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
-		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
-%
-Send lawyers, guns, and money,
-The shit has hit the fan.
-		-- Warren Zevon
-%
-Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
-		-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
-%
-Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
-in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen
-Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
-any."
-%
-Sex and drugs and UNIX.
-%
-Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
-You can do each while thinking about the other.
-%
-Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-		-- Sophia Loren
-%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
-%
-Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
-%
-Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
-%
-Sex is great,
-Sex is grand,
-Sex around here,
-Is mostly by hand.
-%
-Sex is just one damp thing after another.
-%
-Sex is like a bridge game --
-If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
-%
-Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
-%
-Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
-%
-Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
-%
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
-		-- G.B. Shaw
-%
-Sex is what women have and men want.
-%
-Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
-%
-SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
-	details at 11!
-%
-Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
-temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
-the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
-a joke about that:
-
-A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
-service,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
-	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
-%
-Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
-Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
-Let your pal be your guide.
-And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
-	or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
-	'cause it digs up your hat,
-	or has sex with your cat,
-	sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
-	and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
-Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
-We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
-%
-She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
-If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
-I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
-It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
-If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
-If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
-I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
-It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
-My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
-Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
-I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
-		-- proposed Country-Western song titles
-%
-She asked me if I loved her still.
-"Yes," I replied.  "I've never had you any other way."
-%
-She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
-		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
-		   on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
-She never liked zippers, she said,
-Until she opened one in bed.
-%
-She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
-%
-She was only:
-	a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
-	a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
-	a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
-	a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
-	a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
-	a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
-	a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
-%
-She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
-Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
-unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
-and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
-her on the top step.
-	"How dare you?" she demanded.
-	"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
-second time I thought we'd become good friends."
-%
-She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
-%
-She's looking for:	He's looking for:	Foreplay:
-1957			Someone who'll go	Her: Finding a place to put
-Mr. Nice Guy		all the way		     her gum
-						Him: Wondering which word would
-						     best describe her breasts
-						     to the guys
-
-1967			Someone who's got	The first ten minutes
-Mr. Natural		rolling papers and	of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
-			will go all the way
-
-1977			Someone who'll go	Testing the batteries
-Mr. Goodbar		all the way in leg
-			warmers and a leather
-			face mask
-
-1987			Someone who's never	Examination of the genitalia
-Mr. Clean		gone all the way in	under the magnifying glass
-			San Francisco		that Grandma used for needle-
-						point before she passed away
-		-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
-%
-She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
-%
-Shit happens.
-%
-Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
-totally awwwsome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you
-know?  But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
-says that VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know?
-He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
-with memory-to-the-max!  Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home
-to show it to me.  Oh My God!  I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
-%
-Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
-%
-Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
-I'm agog with excitement today!
-	And the reason of course,
-	A reliable source,
-Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
-%
-Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
-together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
-to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
-isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
-%
-Sixteen'll get you twenty.
-%
-Size counts.
-%
-small, adj:
-	Is it in yet?
-%
-Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
-%
-Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
-%
-Snow White:
-	"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
-	but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
-%
-So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
-Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
-Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
-And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-		-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
-%
-So, how's your love life?
-Still holding your own?
-%
-So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
-which one would you pick?
-%
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a man from Nantucket!
-	Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
-		He said with a grin,
-		As he wiped off his chin,
-	If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
-
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a young man from Boston!
-	Who drove around town in an Austin!
-		There was room for his ass,
-		And a gallon of gas,
-	So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
-%
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a man from Racine!
-	Who invented a screwing machine!
-		Both concave and convex,
-		It could please either sex,
-	But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	One night a girl had an affair!
-	With a fellow all covered with hair!
-		His enormous red whang,
-		Gave her a wonderful bang --
-	She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
-%
-So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
-lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
-has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
-and we've got no money left for food."
-	"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
-	"Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
-You're going to have to go out and hustle."
-	"Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
-	"It's the only way," he said.
-Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
-staggering in early the next morning.
-	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
-	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
-	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
-	"Everybody," she said.
-%
-So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
-standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the 1950s, when
-I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
-about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
-breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
-shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
-than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
-Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
-	"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
-Polacks who --"
-	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
-The salesman thought for a moment.
-	"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
-%
-So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-		-- Animal House
-%
-So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
-and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
-%
-Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
-Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-		-- Hair
-%
-Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
-%
-SOFTWARE:
-	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
-%
-Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
-and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
-%
-Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
-Drank up several bottles of sherry;
-	In the Yard around three
-	They were shrieking with glee:
-"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
-unassisted.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
-fucked the buffalo.
-%
-Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
-%
-Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
-%
-Some women are like musical glasses.
-To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-		-- Samuel Coleridge
-%
-Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
-		-- Noel Coward
-%
-Something better...
-
-13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
-14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
-	perch on.
-15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
-16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
-17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
-18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
-	leave.
-19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
-20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
-21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
-22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
-23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
-	coffee ... in Brazil.
-24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
-	capped.
-25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
-		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
-%
-Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
-a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-		-- Risky Business
-%
-Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
-		-- Little Richard
-%
-SPINSTER:
-	Unlusted number.
-%
-Starkle, starkle, little twink,
-Who the hell you are I think
-I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
-I'm just a little slort of sheep.
-Tee martoonis make a guy,
-Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
-So mass the pixer and kill my fup
-I've all day sober to sunday up.
-%
-Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
-Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
-%
-Stockmayer's Theorem:
-	If it looks easy, it's tough.
-	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
-%
-STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
-	Bust truster.
-%
-stress, n:
-	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
-	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
-	desperately needs it.
-%
-subpoena, n:
-	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
-	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
-Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
-%
-Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-		-- James P. Hogan
-%
-successful cunnilingus:
-	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
-	frosted doughnut.
-%
-SUGAR DADDY:
-	A man who can afford to raise cain.
-%
-Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
-Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
-%
-Sure banking is Biblical!
-
-How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
-Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
-little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
-Banks of the Jordan!
-%
-Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life.  People
-know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
-swallow, v:
-	The (blew) bird of birth control.
-%
-Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
-%
-Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
-A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
-If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
-There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
-	And you're fair game,
-	You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
-	Just relax, enjoy the ride.
-Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
-But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
-'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
-The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
-	(chorus)
-The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
-She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
-Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
-And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
-	(chorus)
-		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
-%
-Taoism: Shit Happens.
-Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
-Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
-Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
-Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
-Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
-Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
-%
-TAXIDERMIST:
-	A man who mounts animals.
-%
-Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
-sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
-it's time to spend a night in town.
-%
-tear leather:
-	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
-	his leather jerkin' off."
-%
-tearing off a quicky:
-	Gunning the jump.
-%
-Teddy Kennedy:	A Blond in Every Pond!
-%
-Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
-%
-Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
-in five minutes with a pistol.
-		-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
-%
-Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
-got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
-If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
-life."
-	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
-to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
-	"My God, what happened to you?"
-	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
-on his bloodied lips.
-	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
-what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
-	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
-*pissed*."
-%
-Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
-Take two at the very most.
-Take three and you're under the table,
-Take four and you're under the host.
-%
-Test makers do it:
-	A: sometimes
-	B: always
-	C: never
-	D: none of the above.
-%
-TEXAN:
-	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
-%
-That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
-%
-That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
-pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
-he got back, he was a husky fucker.
-%
-The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
-of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
-began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
-nine.  Candles out at ten."
-%
-The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
-home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
-when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
-law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
-the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
-slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
-my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
-	Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
-and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
-me catch you wearing my things again."
-%
-The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
-%
-The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
-Evidently He made her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue.
-		-- Dumas
-%
-The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
-sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-The blacksmith told me before he died,
-And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
-That no matter how he tried,
-His wife was never satisfied!
-
-And so he built a bloody great wheel,
-Harnessed to a cock of steel,
-Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
-And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
-
-Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
-In and out went the cock of steel,
-Till at last the maiden cried,
-"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
-
-And now we come to the crucial bit --
-There was no way of stopping it.
-And she was split from hole to hole,
-And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
-%
-The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
-they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
-	"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
-any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
-	"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
-fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
-%
-The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-		-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
-%
-The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
-They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
-there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
-	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
-to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
-	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
-"You must mean _faux_pas_."
-	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
-	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
-phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
-for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
-roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
-a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
-and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
-table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
-the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
-bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
-over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
-'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
-%
-The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
-%
-The computer is the ultimate polluter:
-Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
-%
-The country girl who became a city madam
-has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
-%
-The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
-the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
-%
-The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
-is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
-%
-The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
-%
-The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
-went down on the Titanic.
-%
-The difference between like and love is the
-same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
-%
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant
-is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
-The difference between women and girls
-is as much as twenty years in some states.
-%
-The early worm gets the bird.
-%
-The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
-text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
-%
-The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-		-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
-%
-The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
-the bedroom.
-		-- Richard Lewis
-%
-The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
-black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
-fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
-a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
-and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
-garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
-	"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
-	"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
-top panted.
-	"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
-the captain yelled.
-	"I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
-%
-The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
-	-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
-	-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
-	-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
-	-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
-	-- You have drinks with William Holden.
-	-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
-%
-The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
-%
-The girls that go to see a man's etchings
-may not know art, but they know what they like.
-%
-The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
-their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
-He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
-particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
-doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
-"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
-marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
-woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
-	The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
-"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
-phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
-hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
-woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
-in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
-	The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
-he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
-%
-The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
-%
-The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-		-- Truman Capote
-%
-The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
-These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
-results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
-kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
-put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
-pleases.
-		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
-%
-The greatest lies of all time:
-	 (1) I love you.
-	 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
-	 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
-	 (4) The check is in the mail.
-	 (5) I was just going to call you.
-	 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
-	 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
-	 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
-	 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
-	(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
-%
-The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-
--- The morning after note reads:
-	Whiting, Barbara:
-	I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
-	I wanted to byte your ear.
--- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
--- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
--- The last straw:
-	Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
-	program and shows up an hour late.
-
-	You Don't...:
-		Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
-	You Do...:
-		Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
-		indicate a malfunction.
-%
-The harder they come, the more important it is to have
-an extra-firm mattress.
-%
-The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
-outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
-the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
-occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
-mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
-		-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
-%
-The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
-%
-The hope that springs eternal
-Springs right up your behind.
-		-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
-%
-The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
-particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
-	"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
-was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
-	His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
-time?"
-%
-The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
-and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
-lovemaking.
-	"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
-was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
-even if it's right inside the front door."
-	At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
-husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
-the consultant asked.
-	"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
-sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
-absolutely wild!"
-%
-The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
-day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
-however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious,he picked up his
-bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
-had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
-	"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
-the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
-	An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
-"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
-in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
-%
-The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
-Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
-pull it out at the last minute.
-		-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
-%
-The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
-two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
-other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
-account of the wedding night's progress.
-	"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
-entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
-honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
-And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
-%
-The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
-is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
-town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
-gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
-majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
-soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
-has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
-anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
-has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
-resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
-want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
-said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
-wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
-Fact is, I rather like it."
-%
-The lights are on,
-but you're not home;
-Your will
-is not your own;
-Your heart sweats,
-Your teeth grind;
-Another kiss
-and you'll be mine...
-
-You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
-(Oh Yeah!)
-It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
-You know you're gonna have to face it,
-You're addicted to love!"
-		-- Robert Palmer
-%
-The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
-they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
-	That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
-making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
-a baby brother."
-	"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
-puppy."
-%
-The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
-containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
-were delivered in a welter of tears.
-	"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
-see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
-(blubber,blubber)!"
-	"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
-"and would you care to have them mounted?"
-	"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
-%
-The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
-Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
-	A demon for semen,
-	This buffersome he-man
-Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
-%
-The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
-whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
-were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
-exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
-a certain awful recognition.
-		-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
-%
-The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary.  She
-is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
-		-- Norton
-%
-The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
-the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
-		-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
-%
-The mind is its own place, and in itself
-Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
-What matter where, if I be still the same,
-And what I should be, all but less than he
-Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
-We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
-Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
-Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
-To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
-Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
-		-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
-%
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
-%
-The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
-%
-The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
-%
-The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
-jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
-%
-The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
-"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
-		-- Larry Brown
-%
-The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
-that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
-%
-The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
-virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
-you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
-stimulate in order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the
-man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
-your eyes - or just by staring into space.
-		-- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
-adopted children.
-		-- Paul Ehrlich
-%
-The moving finger having writ... gestures.
-%
-The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
-their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
-	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
-the dinner table."
-	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
-and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
-hint of a smile.
-	"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
-	"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
-be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
-%
-The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
-hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
-replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
-pitcher.  The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
-returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
-
-	1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
-	2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
-	3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
-	4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
-	5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
-		"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
-	6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
-		Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
-	7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
-	8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
-		to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
-	9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
-	10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
-		Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
-		Contest at St. Taffy's.
-%
-The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
-to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
-upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
-barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
-want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
-roost with my blessings."
-	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
-a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
-took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
-me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
-ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
-henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
-	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart,
-weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
-maintained a formidable lead.
-	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the
-dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
-	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
-from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
-%
-The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
-that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
-%
-The only difference between your girlfriend
-and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
-%
-The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
-that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
-%
-The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
-		-- Mike O'Dell
-%
-The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
-lamp-post.
-		-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
-%
-The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
-bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
-		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
-%
-The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
-her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only way you'll ever hear from
-me is if you're living in the same hell.
-		-- Roy Harper
-%
-The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
-catch to the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down,
-guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
-The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
-her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
-hand instinctively taking an option zero.  And then it all came at
-once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
-to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
-of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
-%
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
-The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
-	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
-	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
-"What IS your name?"
-%
-The penis mightier than the sword.
-%
-the perfect woman:
-	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
-	your drink.
-
-	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
-%
-The pleasure is momentary,
-The position ridiculous,
-The expense damnable.
-		-- Chesterfield, on sex
-%
-The pleasure is transitory, the cost
-prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-		-- Disraeli, on sex
-%
-The plural of spouse is spice.
-		-- R.A. Heinlein
-%
-The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
-who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His voluptuous private
-secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
-been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
-	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
-twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
-private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
-and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.'  At the end of the
-third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this afternoon, he called me
-into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
-and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
-I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
-for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
-dollars.  That's when he jumped out the window."
-%
-The poor little doe
-Crawled out of the woods,
-Tired, bedraggled and blue.
-"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
-I should have asked for two!"
-%
-The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops
-for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
-of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
-	"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
-	"Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
-%
-The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
-one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
-He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
-noticed the same thing.  So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
-as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
-	"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
-singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
-	Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
-wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
-	The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
-that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
-	When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
-Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
-you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
-What is a blow job?"
-	Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
-%
-The problem with being best man at a wedding
-is that you never get a chance to prove it.
-%
-The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
-Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
-how is Brown going to get to Washington?
-%
-The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
-length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
-%
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
-to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
-The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
-%
-The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
-they can't masturbate.
-%
-The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
-rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
-%
-The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
-%
-The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
-%
-The rich man uses vaseline,
-	The poor man uses lard;
-The worker uses axle grease
-	But gets it twice as hard.
-%
-The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
-certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
-	"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
-	"There certainly is," she agreed.
-	"Some really bright stars in the sky."
-	She nodded.
-	"Some dew on the grass."
-	"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
-%
-The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
-community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
-%
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
-dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
-	"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
-The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-		-- Diana Rigg
-%
-The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
-He fucks her.
-She bites his head off.
-		-- From a Women's Lib Poster
-%
-The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
-on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
-survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
-woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
-her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
-toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
-		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
-The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
-doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
-the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
-psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
-felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
-and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
-inquired.
-	The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
-supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
-was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's
-just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
-%
-The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
-%
-The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
-like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
-		-- Lord Halifax
-%
-The sun was shining brightly		The breeze was blowing briskly,
-And I could hardly wait,		It made the flowers sway,
-To ponder at my window			The garden was enchanting
-And gaze at my estate.			On this inspiring day.
-
-My eyes fell on a little bird,		I smiled at him cheerfully
-With a beautiful yellow bill,		And gave him a crust of bread,
-I beckoned him to come and light	And then I closed the window
-Upon my window sill.			And smashed his fucking head.
-		-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
-%
-The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
-%
-The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
-%
-The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
-
-During the first four months:	Missionary style
-During the second four months:	Doggie style
-And during the last month:	Coyote style
-
-Coyote style?
-	You sit by the hole and howl.
-%
-The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
-%
-The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
-threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
-farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
-back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
-jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
-blaze under control.
-	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
-gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
-driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
-	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
-"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
-%
-The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
-%
-The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
-were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
-off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
-Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
-he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
-flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
-He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
-called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
-%
-The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
-great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
-This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
-The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
-ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
-	"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
-The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
-	"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
-%
-The two things that you should never lend out are your car
-or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
-%
-The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
-like going to church.
-%
-The Utah version of this joke goes:
-	One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
-office one day.  The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
-that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
-	The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
-in the lobby!!"
-	The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The
-prophecies are fulfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"
-	The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
-black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
-%
-The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
-shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
-to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant.  With the noontime crowd, many
-customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
-next to an attractive, young office girl.  The girl finished her sandwich and
-coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette.  The older woman controlled
-herself for a few moments and then snapped,
-	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
-	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
-%
-The voters have spoken, the bastards...
-%
-The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
-%
-The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
-hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
-accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
-	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
-said.
-	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
-youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
-"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
-nature.  The bully!"
-	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
-	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
-evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
-Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
-%
-The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
-absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
-		-- Havelock Ellis
-%
-The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
-deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-		-- Balzac
-%
-The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'.  This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
-attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged down in
-silly puns about "standing erect".
-%
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
-The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
-first visit home since starting college.
-	"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
-last weekend."
-	"I'm not surprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
-or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
-	"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
-guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
-%
-The young stud walked into a bordello.  After he took his clothes off, the
-woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
-his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
-	"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
-	"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
-stand.  A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
-%
-Then there was the girl who was engaged
-to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
-%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
-swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
-%
-Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
-for his girl's honor.  It seems she wanted to keep it.
-%
-Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
-After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
-for a day off to rest and got it.  With the wife gone shopping again, he
-went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne.  They got on
-well until the question of money came up.  She wanted a hundred American
-dollars; he offered fifty.  They couldn't get together on the price; so
-they didn't get together.  That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
-nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
-babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
-	"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her.  "Look what you got
-for your lousy fifty bucks."
-%
-Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
-brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom.  They
-caught him when he came back for the brick.
-%
-There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
-%
-There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,	Every sperm is sacred,
-there are Hindus and Mormons and then			Every sperm is great,
-there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...		If a sperm is wasted,
-I've never been one of them.				God gets quite irate.
-
-I am a Roman Catholic					Every sperm is wanted,
-And have been since before I was born,			Every sperm is good.
-And the one thing they say about Catholics is		Every sperm is needed,
-They'll take you as soon as you're warm.		In your neighborhood.
-
-You don't have to be a six-footer.		Let the heathens spill theirs,
-You don't have to have a great brain.		On the dusty ground.
-You don't have to have any clothes on,		God shall make them pay for
-You're a Catholic the moment Dad came		Each sperm that can't be found.
-...Because...
-
-Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,				Every sperm is useful,
-spill theirs just anywhere			Every sperm is fine.
-but God loves those who treat their		God needs everybodies,
-semen with more care.				Mine, and mine, and mine.
-		-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
-%
-There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
-%
-There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
-a bitch, you ate five of them.
-		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
-		   cannibalism in 1874.
-%
-There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
-are having to take turns.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
-president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
-competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
-test.  One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
-desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
-in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
-promotion?  The one with the big tits!
-%
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
-There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
-they notice a sapling half-way between them.
-	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
-	"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
-	"A son of a BEECH!"
-	"A son of a BIRCH!"
-	"Son of a beech!"
-	"Son of a birch!"
-
-The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
-kind of tree the sapling is by its taste.  First he tastes the beech and
-the birch.  Then he tastes the sapling.  "Well now, is that a son of a
-beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
-	"You're both wrong!" says the bird.  "That's the best piece of ash
-I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
-%
-There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
-woman's breasts.  One is not enough and three are too many.
-%
-There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
-the pervertible.  The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
-%
-There is nothing as overrated as a bad
-lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
-%
-There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
-Boring your friends about it is the sin.
-		-- Mama Liz
-%
-There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
-And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
-Where seagulls flew over their nest.
-She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
-And caused her to tickle and itch.
-The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
-A sittin' out there on the rocks."
-The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
-And crowded four deep to the rail.
-All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
-...
-"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
-And soon we will certainly find
-If mermaids are better before or be... brave
-My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
-And cursing with spleen.
-This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
-		-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
-%
-There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
-glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
-man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
-and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
-front page before discarding it?"
-	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
-	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
-	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
-be on the front page."
-		-- Attributed to FDR.
-%
-There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
-driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
-	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
-	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
-discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
-question.
-	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
-	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
-downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
-lady, and she asked the same question.
-	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
-	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
-	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
-skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
-it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
-a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
-%
-There was a young tenor named Springer,
-Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
-	He hollered in pain,
-	As they rolled down the drain,
-"There goes my career as a singer!"
-%
-There was once a newly-married couple.  Now these two lovers were, well,
-rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
-or "boffing the brains out".  So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
-	One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented.  The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?"  Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied.  On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
-in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
-	Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
-and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead.  Upon returning to the living
-room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
-some laundry?"  To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!"
-%
-There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
-brushes.  His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
-follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
-good results.  It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
-corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
-assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
-and a bowl of brownish stuff.  He would grab a likely customer and give them
-the following pitch.
-	"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
-of chip dip.  Would you care to give it a try?"
-	At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
-in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
-	The salesman would smile and say, "It is.  You want to buy a
-toothbrush?"
-%
-There was something about her I liked,
-but I couldn't put my finger on it.
-%
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
-There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
-a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
-		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
-%
-There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
-treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
-soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
-not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
-limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
-in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
-%
-There's a vas deferens between men and women.
-%
-There's amnesia in a hangknot,
-And comfort in the ax,
-But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
-	There's surcease in a gunshot,
-	And sleep that comes from racks,
-	But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
-You find rest on the hot squat,
-Or gas can give you pax,
-But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
-	There's refuge in the church lot
-	When you tire of facing facts,
-	And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
-Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
-	Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
-	But the pleasantest place to find your end
-	Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
-		-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
-%
-There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way #3  -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-	Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
-	Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-	Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?
-A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-		-- David Mairowitz
-%
-They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
-lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
-light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
-She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
-barn.  Alone!  At last.  His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
-thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.  Oh, how smooth and succulent
-she was!  "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself.  No, he thought, for his
-father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum.  The boiling,
-uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable.  She signalled her eagerness,
-spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again.  Stroking, again and
-again, longer each time.  It began coming; again, again, again, again.  His
-mind raced with fear "Will it stop?".  Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
-"Dear God, what have I done?".  Suddenly, his father burst in.  His eyes
-burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity.  Finally, his father spoke.
-	"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
-%
-This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
-Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
-Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
-	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
-	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
-Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
-%
-This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.  Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.  He saw a
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
-desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he
-decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
-and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
-steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
-	"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
-	From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
-the shit hit the fan?"
-%
-This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
-really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
-him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
-the patient a week later.
-	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
-good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
-%
-This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
--- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
-other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
-git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
-	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
-	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
-	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
-to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
-stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
-all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
-She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
-	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
-explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
-	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
-me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
-%
-This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
-
-Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
-M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
-M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
-
-The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
-manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
-
-Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
-M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
-	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
-M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
-	open a fuckin' savings account!"
-Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
-%
-This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
-"My husband!" she screams.  He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
-himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
-except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
-	"Do you always jog in the nude?"
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Do you always wear a condom?"
-	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
-%
-This here's the wattle
-The emblem of our land
-You can stick it in a bottle
-Or you can hold it in your hand.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
-obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
-and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
-off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
-affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
-on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
-tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
-	"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
-	"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
-	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
-	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
-%
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
-If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
-So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
-
-	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
-	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
-	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
-%
-This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
-stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers.  One night,
-the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
-with us much longer."  The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
-off as childish whimsy.  The next day, however, he received a call from his
-mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
-During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
-prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
-prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
-Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
-weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to
-bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
-news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
-of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month
-later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
-be with us much longer."  The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
-going to die during the night.  He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
-and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy.  Morning came.  Breathing
-a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch.  There, lying
-dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
-%
-This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
-%
-This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
-%
-THORNY:
-	A thailor at thea.
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-Thought:
-	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
-%
-Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
-the local brewery.  One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
-of the beer vats and drowned.  O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
-had to break the news to his wife.
-	They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
-poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day.  Choking back her
-tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
-	"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
-a piss."
-%
-Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
-be.  The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
-over in their tight pants.
-	"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy.  "Those skimpy little
-costumes, and think of the holds."
-	"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.  "Why?  Well, I'd be
-pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
-right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
-rounded the bases.  Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
-`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
-%
-Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
-a bowl of Wheaties.
-		-- Richard Pryor
-%
-Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
-and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
-women will take a little longer.
-		-- Spiro Agnew
-%
-Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
-however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
-for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
-	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
-on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
-never rains when you have your laundry out?"
-	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
-my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
-going to be a great day.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
-it might rain.  I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
-	"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
-	"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
-%
-Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
-better universities.  During a lecture the professor stated that he was
-going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
-	"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
-alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
-sex-starved sailors on board.  What would you do in this situation to avoid
-the problem?"
-	"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
-flee," said the first girl.
-	"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
-the second woman.
-	"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
-but I fail to see the problem."
-%
-three-bag ugly, adj:
-	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
-	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
-	it from howling.
-
-four-bag ugly, adj:
-	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
-%
-Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
-You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
-
-	1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
-	2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
-	3: Free blood.
-	4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
-	   all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
-%
-Tim and I a hunting went
-We found three damsels in a tent,
-As they were three, and we were two,
-I bucked one and Timbuktu.
-		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
-%
-'Tis the dream of each programmer,
-Before his life is done,
-To write three lines of APL,
-And make the damn things run.
-%
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
-To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
-%
-To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
-then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow you
-to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
-%
-Today is gonna be one helluva week!
-%
-Todays title:
-	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
-%
-Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
-		-- An American astronaut
-%
-tourist, n:
-	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
-%
-Tourist to New Yorker:
-	"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
-	just go fuck myself?"
-%
-transvestite, n:
-	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
-%
-Tri Delts; everyone else has.
-%
-TRUST:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
-trust me:
-	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
-	she rode in on."
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-	Head for the Mountains
-		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
-
-Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
-	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-		-- courtesy someone else
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-
-	See Dick Drink...
-	See Dick Drive...
-	See Dick Die.
-	DON'T BE A DICK.
-%
-T-shirt of the Week:
-	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
-%
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:	"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	The looks that mell, the claws that
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.			catch!
-					Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
-He took his venerable staff in hand:	The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
-Long time the cool young stuff he
-	sought --			And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-So rested he among the spree		The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-And paused to smoke some pot.		Crept past the hippies getting balled
-					And doffed her miniskirt.
-One, two!  One, two!  And through
-	and through			"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-The venerable staff went snicker-snack!	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
-He left her bred, sans maidenhead,	O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-And went galumphing back.		He cackled in his joy.
-
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
-Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
-twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
-The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.  On the other
-side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
-watch.
-	The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
-they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
-so they trade.
-	That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
-looking at his new watch.  "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
-	The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top.  "Whatta
-you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you!"
-	"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day
-you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta
-you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
-%
-Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
-	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
-	"No, old man, what about him?"
-	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
-	"No, I didn't."
-	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
-	"Queer."
-	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
-%
-Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
-whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
-like hours.
-	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
-the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
-and went back to where his companion was waiting.
-	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
-and the other's my mistress!"
-	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
-before reaching the green.
-	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
-	"Small world, isn't it?"
-%
-Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
-
-Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
-had been doing, she committed suicide.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
-had been doing, they buried her.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
-had been doing, they dug her back up.
-%
-Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line.  One
-boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
-	"Three times!", replies his friend.  "How did you do it?"
-	"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
-alarm clock for two hours later.  When it went off we made love again.
-Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
-to work.  I feel like a bull!"
-	His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic!  I'm going to have
-to give it a try."  So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
-wife.  Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
-to sleep.  Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
-again.  Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
-time.  Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
-for work.  He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway.  When
-he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
-	"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
-never been late before.  You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
-	"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
-that had me worried.  Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
-%
-Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
-lay licking his balls.  One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
-do that."
-	The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
-ought to get to know him a little first."
-%
-Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
-Superior.  Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
-me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
-	Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
-nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish.  Again the reply
-was no.
-	The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question.  "Beggin'
-your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
-all, anywhere?"  The nun shook her head.
-	At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
-on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
-%
-Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
-church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists.  The two men drag the
-nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them.  The mother
-superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her.  To show her
-strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
-what he does!"
-	To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
-%
-Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
-that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
-with her.
-	The other man is astonished.  "Make love to your wife?  You're as old
-as I am!  Nearly eighty years old!  What do you mean you have to go home and
-make love to your wife?"
-	The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life.  We make
-love every day."
-	"You're kidding!" says his friend.  "How do you do it?"
-	"Pumpernickel bread.  That's the secret."  And he dashes off home.
-	The other man starts to walk home.  "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
-pumpernickel bread.  Well, it's worth a try."  So he goes into a nearby
-bakery.
-	Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
-of pumpernickel bread.  The woman stares at him in astonishment.  "You want
-all the pumpernickel bread we have?  Are you sure?  Don't you know that it
-will get hard?"
-	"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
-%
-Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
-were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
-went along these lines:
-	(1st doctor)	"No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
-	(2nd doctor)	"No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
-and this continued for quite sometime.
-	Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
-'womb'" and trotted off.
-	(1st doctor)	"That shows you what she knows."
-	(2nd doctor)	"Yeah.  I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
-let alone heard one fart underwater."
-%
-Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking.  One of them has a
-hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch.  The other pirate has a wooden
-leg.  Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
-injuries.
-	"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
-vessel and were boarding her.  I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
-a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off.  So I had this hook put
-on.  How did you lose your leg?"
-	"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
-terrific battle off the coast of France.  And how about your eye?"
-	"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
-	"Come on," says the second pirate.  "It doesn't matter after all
-these years, does it?"
-	"Oh, okay," says the first pirate.  "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
-a seagull shit in my eye."
-	"A seagull!?  I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
-you would *lose* the eye..."
-	"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
-%
-Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
-in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor.  "Do they eat dogs in America?"
-one asked his companion.
-	"I don't know."
-	"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
-American foods."
-	So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
-them on a nearby park bench.  One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
-at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
-%
-Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
-cute French horn player?  What ever happened to him?"
-	"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
-I must admit, we've had some problems."
-	"Problems?  What's wrong?"
-	"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
-wants to shove his fist up my ass."
-%
-Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
-disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell.  One of the young
-men remarked to his friend,
-	"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
-good for a man's virility?"
-	"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
-	"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
-dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
-%
-Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
-bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
-%
-Unfair animal names:
-
--- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
--- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
--- sapsucker			-- Clarence
-		-- Gary Larson
-%
-Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
-%
-Unix programmers do it with pipes.
-%
-Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
-on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby.  Because he'd
-had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
-man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
-	"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk.  "I sold my
-wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
-	"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
-muster any real indignation.  "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
-back."
-	"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
-	"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
-love her," sympathized the executive.
-	"No, no," said the drunk.  "I wish I had her back because I'm
-thirsty again."
-%
-U.S. of A.:
-	"Don't speak to the bus driver."
-Germany:
-	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
-England:
-	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
-Scotland:
-	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
-Italy:
-	"Don't answer the driver."
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
-	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
-
-FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
-	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
-	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
-
-SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
-	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
-	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
-	travel in the trunk of your car.
-
-FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
-GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
-	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
-	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
-	country in public.
-
-KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
-	I will tell you the names and addresses of
-	many American spies traveling as reporters.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
-	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
-	this confession of capital crimes.
-
-MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
-	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
-
-TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
-	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
-	I must have the recipe.
-
-ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
-DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
-	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
-	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
-%
-USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
-massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
-a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
-expect it.
-		-- Gene Spafford
-%
-User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
-Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
-upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
-sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
-be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
-looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
-well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
-permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive.  Software
-is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
-completed execution of program.  Program may be run several times per day...
-especially if special features and options are utilized.
-%
-vagina, n:
-	The box a penis comes in.
-%
-vaginal lubricant, n:
-	A slitty slicker.
-%
-Vandalism On The Upswing!
-	Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
-	front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
-	dollars in damage.  In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
-	wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
-%
-Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
-%
-Vd, n:
-	The gift that keeps on giving.
-%
-Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
-ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
-Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
-it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
-to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
-		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
-%
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
-Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
-back, of course.  When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
-with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
-an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
-You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
-less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
-you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
-know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
-for both.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-virgin, n:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
-Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
-which takes but one prick to break.
-		-- Jordan Sand
-%
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
-	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
-	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
-	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
-	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
-%
-Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
-divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
-	What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
-in unusual sex practices?"
-	"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
-queer."
-%
-VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
-%
-W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
-	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
-%
-Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
-Was it you that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
-Was it you, you little pecker,
-That got into my Rebecca,
-If you did, you'd better leave this town!
-
-Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
-But since I stuck your daughter,
-I've had trouble passin' water,
-So I guess we're kind of even all around!
-%
-wasp, n:
-	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
-%
-Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
-%
-Watching girls go passing by
-It ain't the latest thing
-I'm just standing in a doorway
-I'm just trying to make some sense
-Out of these girls passing by		A smile relieves the heart that grieves
-The tales they tell of men		Remember what I said
-I'm not waiting on a lady		I'm not waiting on a lady
-I'm just waiting on a friend		I'm just waiting on a friend
-...
-Don't need a whore
-Don't need no booze
-Don't need a virgin priest		Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
-But I need someone I can cry to		It is a game for youth
-I need someone to protect		But I'm not waiting on a lady
-					I'm just waiting on a friend
-					I'm just waiting on a friend
-		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
-%
-Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
-		-- W.C. Fields
-%
-We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual.  We do everything
-we can to butter him up.  We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
-inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
-when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
-only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions.  Your
-Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
-he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
-and stink to Heaven.
-		-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
-%
-We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
-your cities.
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-		-- Pat Paulsen for President
-%
-We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
-		-- Hugh Romney
-%
-We boggies are a hairy folk		Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
-Who like to eat until we choke.		Never stop till belly's bursting.
-Loving all like friend and brother,	Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
-And hardly ever eat each other.		A merry race of boring gluttons.
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
-
-Boggies gather 'round the table,	Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
-Eat as much as you are able.		And hope we all die with our bibs on.
-Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
-(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)	Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
-		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
-%
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
-We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
-%
-We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
-with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
-and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
-fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
-called civilization and its discontents.
-		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
-his hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We must!  We must!
-We must increase our bust!
-The bigger the better!
-The tighter the sweater!
-And the boys will think more of us!
-%
-We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
-(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
-(chorus)
-
-CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
-Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
-We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
-There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
-Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
-Come inside, the show's about to start,
-Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
-Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
-Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
-You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!
-You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!
-		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
-	banker in Houston, Texas.  That's $5000, please, to stop
-	us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
-	your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
-	and Tom need never know the name of your mistress.  You
-	have two days to reach us at:
-
-		Fortune Blackmail
-		Behind the hot water pipes,
-		Third stall from the end,
-		Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	This is the first of a series of revelations which could
-	add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
-	criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
-	So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
-		1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
-		2: What you were doing.
-		3: The names of the three people involved.
-		4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
-		5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
-%
-Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
-not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
-up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
-always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
-joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
-y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
-provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
-y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
-mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
-too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
-"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
-romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
-up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
-something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
-records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
-morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
-around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
-around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
-about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
-spend a little time with myself.
-		-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
-%
-Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
-		-- Martha Mitchell
-%
-Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took little Susie to the junior prom,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
-
-After ten long years they let him out of the home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
-%
-Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
-I hope they comin' for me!
-And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
-I hope they doin' it for free!
-They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
-First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
-Got it from the kitty next door...
-I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
-I think I got it some more!
-Got a bad scratch fever...
-		-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
-%
-Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
-They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
-They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
-I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
-
-Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
-No bras left, just a queer over there.
-But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
-I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
-
-My baby's not a sports fan,
-But she plays with balls whenever she can.
-'Cause her favorite sport you see,
-Is playing tonsil hockey.
-[chorus]
-	Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
-	Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
-	Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
-	Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-		-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
-%
-Well, I'd left home just a week before,
-And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
-But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
-And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
-Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
-But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
-La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
-		-- The Kinks
-%
-Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
-down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
-find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
-a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
-beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
-and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
-rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
-that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
-	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
-be Frank!"
-%
-"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
-While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
-	"'Twere better, perhaps,
-	In the crypt or the apse,
-Because sex in the nave must be shared."
-%
-Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
-back to the wall.
-		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-
-Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
-		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-%
-Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
-she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
-her twice and slapped her.
-%
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
-Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
-backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
-experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
-though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will get around about
-your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
-So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
-that's a matter of personal preference.  Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
-or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
-distract the quail.  You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
-tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
-awhile.
-%
-Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
-a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
-		-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
-%
-Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile
-and not very much of a bird.
-		-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
-		   zoologist who has studied the Archaeopteryx and found it
-		   "very much like people".
-%
-Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
-a rabbi who lived near each other.  One summer afternoon the priest went out
-and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
-did the same.
-	The next day the priest went out and blessed his car.  The minister
-hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool.  The rabbi, after
-thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
-of the tail pipe.
-%
-We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
-philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
-%
-Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
-of a chambermaid as a duchess.
-		-- Dr. Johnson
-%
-wet dream, n:
-	Overnight sensation.
-%
-We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
-divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
-but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
-poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
-"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
-%
-"We've got things well in hand."
-		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
-%
-We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
-various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
-to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
-3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.  The other 95% get up to go home.
-%
-What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
-she would look without them.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-What creatures of habit we are.  This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
-I put $100 on my pillow.  That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
-my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
-%
-What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
-	"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
-
-Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
-%
-What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
-		-- Elayn Boosler
-%
-What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
-An incurable romantic.
-%
-What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
-sex than you are.
-		-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
-		   by N. Mackwood
-%
-What the fuck, over?
-%
-What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
-%
-What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
-%
-What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
-Our Standardized Model should please even you,
-Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
-It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
-Yet your state of the union penultimate large
-Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
-And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
-Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
-Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
-For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
-But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
-Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
-Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
-You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
-That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
-Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
-Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
-Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
-		-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
-%
-What you mean, how old am I?  About one hundred!  But Viennese answer is
-better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows."  This is an old joke.
-There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
-did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
-on command.  One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
-Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!"  I hear his
-funeral was a party.  A street artist had killed himself.  Nobody had
-supported him but now everybody missed him.  Now who would make the dogs
-make music and the mice pant?  The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
-and great art to make life not so serious.
-		-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
-%
-Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
-%
-What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
-Doo-doo, doo-doo.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
-%
-What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
-No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
-%
-When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
-%
-When a man grows old and his balls
-	grow cold,			So find me a seat and stand me a drink
-And the end of his knob turns blue;	And a tale to you I'll tell
-When it's bent in the middle like a	Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-	one-string fiddle,		And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
-He can tell a tale or two.
-
-When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-Go out in search of fun,		And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-It's usually Dick who wields the prick	Are sore, depressed, and mad,
-And Mexican Pete the gun.		'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
-					So the shooting ain't so bad.
-There was rarely a day without a lay
-And usually two or three		Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick	Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
-Was always like a tree.			And they'd had no luck in the way of
-						a fuck
-Just a moose or two and a caribou,	For nigh on half a week.
-And a bison cow or so;
-And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
-This fucking was mighty slow.
-		-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
-%
-When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
-%
-When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
-I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.		Chorus:
-In the mornin' the rooster crow,	I am a back door man,
-Somethin' tells me I got to go.		I am a back door man,
-					Well, the men don't know,
-They take me to the doctor,		But the little girls understand.
-	shot full of holes,
-Nurse try to save a soul.
-Killed her for murder first degree,
-Judge what tried let the man go free.
-
-Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
-Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
-When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
-I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-		-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
-%
-When he tried to inject his huge whanger
-A young man aroused his girl's anger.
-	As they strove in the dark
-	She was heard to remark,
-"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
-%
-When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
-lay off one of his two middle managers.  As both Jack and Liz were equally
-honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
-fire.  To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
-to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
-	The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples.  Asking
-Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
-the boss caught up with her.  "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
-"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
-	"Jack off," she snapped.  "I have a headache."
-%
-When I need something
-To help me unwind
-I find a six-foot baby		What kind of guy
-With a one-track mind		Does a lot for me
-Smart guys are nowhere		Superman
-They make demands		With a lobotomy
-Give me a moron			My father's out of Harvard
-With talented hands		My brother's out of Yale
-I go bar-hopping		Well the guy I took home last night
-And they say "Last call"	Just got out of jail
-I start shopping 		The way he grabbed and threw me
-For a Neanderthal		Oooo, it really got me hot
-				But the way he growled and bit me
-The bigger they come		I hoped he had his shots
-The harder I fall
-In love till we're done		The bigger they are
-Then they're out in the hall	The harder they'll work
-				I got a soft spot
-				For a good-looking jerk
-		-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
-%
-When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
-kids had stolen my sandwich.  My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
-"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-
-You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy.  I would go a month, two
-months, without having sex.  It worked for me because it made me a
-vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
-like that.
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-%
-When in calling, plain speaking is out;
-When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
-You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
-You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
-It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
-When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
-But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
-It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
-a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-%
-When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
-%
-When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
-pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
-a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
-a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
-		-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
-
-Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
-him for 29.
-		-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
-%
-When the candles are out all women are fair.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
-selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
-	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
-"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
-	"I'm just not sure," the woman said,  Then she noticed an eye-catching
-item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?
-	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
-sell you that one for less than a hundred."
-	"I'll take it."
-	Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
-going.  "Great," the clerk told him.  "This morning, I sold four white
-vibrators and three flesh-toned ones.  And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
-bucks for my Thermos."
-%
-When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-		-- Old Jewish saying
-
-[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?"  Ed.]
-%
-When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
-%
-When they tell me to stick it where
-the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
-%
-When things go wrong as they usually will,
-And your daily road seems all uphill,
-When funds are low and debts are high,
-When you try to smile, but can only cry --
-And you really feel you'd like to quit,
-Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
-%
-When you and I are far apart
-Can sorrow break your tender heart?
-I love you darling, yes I do;
-Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
-All you are is a blossoming rose.
-Night is here so I must close.
-With care read the first word of each line.
-You will find a question of mine.
-		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
-%
-When you're lying on the bed,
-And the thought is in your head,
-But the feeling is way down between your legs,
-Take your problem in your hand,
-And beat it to the band,
-And try your best to keep it off the walls.
-
-Don't let your lover tell you,
-Don't let anybody sell you,
-That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
-For I've rid myself of fears,
-(I've been doing it for years)
-And now I have an erection all the time.
-%
-Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
-up your ass.
-%
-"Where'd she get those crow's feet?  You really want to know?"
-"Yeah."
-"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
-%
-Which of the following doesn't belong?
-	a. meat
-	b. eggs
-	c. drum
-	d. blowjob.
-
-Answer:
-	d:  A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
-	    or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
-%
-While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
-was pretty, chic, and intelligent.  When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
-hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.  Unfortunately, as
-will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
-	On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
-into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
-curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
-magazine.  And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
-erection.
-	Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
-mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch!  Now I know why they call you a prick!"
-%
-While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
-scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-		-- Boccaccio
-%
-While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
-%
-While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
-In thought on this and that,
-A tiny, twitt'ring little bird		"Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
-A load dropped in my hat.		Of music and of wit!
-					Why didst thou feel that my best hat
-"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,	Was thy best place to shit?"
-And brings joy to my heart.
-But tell me, little bird divine,	The tiny bird a few notes sang,
-Why didst thou not just fart?"		Then answer'd "Pardon me,
-					For thy hat I thought was my nest,
-I rose and stood in solemn awe		A-fallen from the tree."
-His words to better mull,
-Then lifted up a paving block
-And crushed his fucking skull.
-		-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
-%
-While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
-might be a good idea to write to his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
-him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
-only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
-girl with languorous eyes.
-	"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
-	"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
-just go wild."
-%
-Whip it, baby.
-Whip it right.
-Whip it, baby.
-Whip it all night!
-%
-Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
-
-Because his wife left him.  But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
-Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
-it out occasionally in Japan.  That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
-his Wang.
-%
-Why, Good Morning!  I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
-%
-Why I am an atheist:
-
-1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
-2. God is the highest power.
-3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
-4. We should all strive to be like God.
-5. We should all be atheists.
-%
-Why is it that there are so many more
-horses' asses than there are horses?
-		-- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
-Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
-%
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
-Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
-who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
-would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
-stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
-		-- Edward Abbey
-%
-...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
-you don't want to be?  Lord, that's so simple.  If you hate your job, quit it.
-If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends.  You are queer, you
-lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
-of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself
-and start raising your sails.  You haven't a moment to lose.
-		-- Edmund Carlevale
-%
-Willie, looking in the mirror,		Willie with the nursery shears
-Sucked the mercury off			Cut off both the baby's ears.
-Thinking in his childish error		To the baby so unsightly
-It would cure the whooping cough.	Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
-
-At the funeral his weeping mother	In the family drinking well
-Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,		Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
-"'Twas a chilly day for Willie		She's there still because it killed her,
-When the mercury went down."		Now, we have to buy a filter.
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
-%
-With a bushel of apples, you can have
-a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
-%
-wok, n:
-	Something to thwow at a wabbit.
-%
-Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
-hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
-movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
-what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
-%
-Women should be obscene and not heard.
-%
-Women think of being a man as a gift.  It is a duty.  Even making love can
-be a duty.  A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
-you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
-%
-Working here is like a pregnancy.
-After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
-%
-World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
-a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
-The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
-Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
-settlement, at the last moment.  As the treaty is signed, and the war
-postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
-appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
-Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
-	So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
-the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
-Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!"  And God
-said, "It will be done."
-	The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
-wish there were no more Germans!"  Replies the angel, "It will be done."
-	So the angel asks the Jew for his wish.  The Jew is in a state of
-shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
-avers.  "And the Russian's, too?"  The angel avers yet again.  Then the Jew
-thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
-cup of coffee."
-%
-Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
-%
-Writers do it between periods.
-%
-"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
-realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
-%
-Yesterday is a memory,
-	Tomorrow is a vision,
-		Today is a bitch!
-%
-You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
-%
-You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
-and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
-thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
-%
-You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
-%
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
-Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
-%
-"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
-		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
-%
-You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
-%
-You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
-The first three days are the hardest.
-		-- R. Dreiser
-%
-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
-but you can't pick your friend's nose.
-%
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
-of your life trying to get back inside.
-		-- Heathcote Williams
-%
-You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
-%
-You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
-are the biggest bastards on earth.
-		-- John Lennon
-%
-You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
-It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
-a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
-%
-You know what burns my ass?  A flame about three feet high.
-%
-You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
-%
-You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
-%
-You see that fucking fish?
-If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
-		-- Sam Giancana
-%
-You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
-%
-You wanna play the dozens,
-Well, the dozens is a game,
-But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-You will always have friends
-Some friends will peter out.
-But I'll always be your friend,
-Peter in or peter out.
-%
-You'll be a guest at a gay party.
-That will have important consequences for you.
-%
-Young men want to be faithful and are not;
-old men want to be faithless and cannot.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
-
-	-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
-	-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
-		with an ice pick.
-	-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
-	-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
-	-- they were the birth control poster child.
-	-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
-	-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
-		get the puppy to play with them.
-	-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
-%
-Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
-shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
-there are more important things in life than great sex.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
-	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
-motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
-Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
-But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
-
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
-My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
-out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
-both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
-
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
-	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
-extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
-accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to be hated for
-what you are than loved for what you're not.
-%
-Your spooning days are over,
-	And your pilot light is out;
-When what used to be your sex appeal
-	Is now your water spout!
-%
-You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
-%
-Yuck Foo.
-%
-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
-I just gave my sister's cherry away!
-To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
-of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-I go the way that Providence dictates.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not.  The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not.  When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow.  I
-just couldn't help myself.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
-It would mean political ruin.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
-fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
-		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-The very first essential for success is a perpetually
-constant and regular employment of violence.
-		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
-stuff....
-		-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
-		testimony, 1947
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/fortune/datfiles/limerick
deleted file mode 100644
index 95b50971..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,160 +0,0 @@
-A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
-Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
-	She found a good way
-	To combine work and play:
-She sells C shells by the seashore.
-%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
-	But this output can be
-	No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
-		-- Gigo
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
-	She was not oversexed,
-	Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A dozen, a gross, and a score,
-Plus three times the square root of four,
-	Divided by seven,
-	Plus five times eleven,
-Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace;
-	To make people afraid
-	He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
-	To jail he did go,
-	From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
-%
-A limerick packs laughs anatomical
-Into space that is quite economical.
-	But the good ones I've seen
-	So seldom are clean,
-And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
-%
-A linguist thought it a farce
-That memory space was so sparse.
-	One day they increased it.
-	Said he as he seized it:
-"At last! Enough core for the parse".
-%
-A new dramatist of the absurd
-Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
-	I learn from my spies
-	He's about to devise
-An unprintable three-letter word.
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
-	They were graded and spaced
-	So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%
-A very intelligent turtle
-Found programming UNIX a hurdle
-	The system, you see,
-	Ran as slow as did he,
-And that's not saying much for the turtle.
-%
-A wonderful bird is the pelican.
-His mouth can hold more than his belican.
-	He can take in his beak
-	Enough food for a week.
-And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
-%
-Despising machines to a man,
-The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
-	And ride out by night
-	In a sheeting of white
-To lynch all the robots they can.
-		-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
-%
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the m"obius strip;
-	The strip revolved,
-	The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%
-If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
-	Or some joker who is slicker,
-	Will trick you of your liquor,
-If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
-%
-Limericks are art forms complex,
-Their topics run chiefly to sex.
-	They usually have virgins,
-	And masculine urgin's,
-And other erotic effects.
-%
-System/3!  System/3!
-See how it runs!  See how it runs!
-	Its monitor loses so totally!
-	It runs all its programs in RPG!
-	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
-System/3!
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
-	But she started absorbin'
-	A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
-	The sword that he used
-	Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
-	It at last grew so small,
-	He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
-	While her lover lamented
-	The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
-%
-There was a young lady from Niger
-Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
-	They returned from the ride
-	With the lady inside,
-And the smile on the face of the tiger.
-%
-There was a young man who said "God,
-I find it exceedingly odd,
-	That the willow oak tree
-	Continues to be,
-When there's no one about in the Quad."
-
-"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
-For I'm always about in the Quad;
-	And that's why the tree,
-	Continues to be,"
-Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
-%
-There was a young poet named Dan,
-Whose poetry never would scan.
-	When told this was so,
-	He said, "Yes, I know.
-It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
-	It chewed up its cards
-	And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index 330ada24..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,6173 +0,0 @@
-"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
-"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
-	You have made much fine verse on
-	Each part of my person,
-Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
-%
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
-	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
-	My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
-%
-"I do love a lay every day,
-So whenever you're coming this way
-	Just phone in advance
-	And I'll jerk off my pants,
-And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
-%
-"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
-"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
-	He pulled it on out,
-	But she started to pout,
-His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
-	"For the semen must no
-	Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
-"And told my wife to try it on top.
-	She bounced for an hour,
-	Till she ran out of power,
-And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
-%
-'Tis a custom in Castellamare
-To fuck in the back of a lorry.
-	The chassis and springs
-	Are like woodwinds and strings
-In the midst of a musical soiree.
-%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
-	It was no good for girls
-	But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
-Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
-	When he popped her cherry,
-	She made things hairy
-By bleeding all over his face.
-%
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-	Told her Tante Louise
-	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-	But another, more sane,
-	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
-	Because during the day
-	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
-But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
-%
-A beautiful lady named Psyche
-Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
-	One thing about Ike
-	The lady can't like
-Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
-%
-A beetling young woman named Pridgets
-Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
-	Off the end of a wharf
-	She once pushed a dwarf
-Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
-Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
-	When she swiveled about
-	Even strong men cried out,
-For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
-%
-A bobby of Nottingham Junction
-Whose organ had long ceased to function
-	Deceived his good wife
-	For the rest of her life
-With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
-	"The height of my folly
-	Was diddling a collie-
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A burlesque dancer, a pip
-Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
-	But she read science fiction
-	And died of constriction
-Attempting a Moebius strip.
-		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
-%
-A busy young lady named Gloria
-Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
-	And then by six men,
-	Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-A cabin boy on an old clipper
-Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
-	He plugged up his ass
-	With fragments of glass
-And thus circumcised his old skipper.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-	When his date was strapped in,
-	He committed a sin,
-Without even leaving his grodge.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-	With his date all strapped in
-	He committed a sin
-Without even leaving the garage.
-		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Tunney
-Had a whang that was worth any money.
-	When eased in half-way,
-	The girl's sigh made him say,
-"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
-%
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
-	He said, "You may scoff,
-	But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
-	Shows his organs at large
-	For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
-	Though you may think it odd of me,
-	I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
-	But the sweetness of pitch
-	Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
-	Decided one day
-	That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
-	It had room for both hands
-	And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%
-A clergical student named Simms
-Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
-	A nice piece of ass
-	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
-All the others get Anglican hymns.
-%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
-	He wore a hair shirt,
-	Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-	On the twenty-third stroke
-	The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a cream.
-%
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
-	"On my minuscule salary
-	 I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
-	A foot cost a quid --
-	He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
-	At a masquerade ball,
-	Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
-	And said, "Bother the fish!
-	I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
-	He said, "No, I can't fuck
-	A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
-	She was not oversexed,
-	Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
-	It was good for keyholes
-	And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
-	But is proudest of doing,
-	Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
-	She said, "It tastes nice,
-	Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
-	"I never could quite
-	 Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
-	And, in his depravity,
-	Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
-	Let his third-story front,
-	To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
-	And prayed to her God
-	For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
-	As quick as a glance
-	He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
-	She blew her vagina
-	To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
-	They found her vagina,
-	In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-	But a dropout from paree
-	Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
-	Wore the foreskin away
-	On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
-%
-A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
-Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
-	Had achieved some reknown
-	For her tone going down--
-There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
-%
-A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
-Thought it very, very foolish to place
-	Her hand on your cock
-	When it turned hard as rock,
-For fear it would explode in your face.
-%
-A farmer I know named O'Doole
-Had a long and incredible tool.
-	He can use it to plow,
-	Or to diddle a cow,
-Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
-%
-A fellatrix's healthful condition
-Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
-	Her remarkable diet
-	(I suggest that you try it)
-Was only her clients' emission.
-%
-A fellow whose surname was Hunt
-Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
-	This versatile spout
-	Could be turned inside out,
-Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
-%
-A fisherman off of Cape Cod
-Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
-	But the high-minded fish
-	Resented his wish,
-And nimbly swam off with his rod.
-%
-A foolish geologist from Kissen
-Just didn't know what he was missin',
-	By studying rock
-	And neglecting his cock,
-And using it merely for pissin'.
-%
-A frustrated lady named Alice
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
-	They found her vagina
-	In North Carolina
-And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
-%
-A gay young prince from Morocco
-Made love in a manner rococco.
-	He painted his penis
-	To resemble a venus
-And flavored his semen with cocoa.
-%
-A geneticist living in Delft
-Scientifically played with himself,
-	And when he was done
-	He labled it: son,
-And filed him away on a shelf.
-%
-A gentleman, otherwise meek,
-Detested with passion the leek;
-	When offered one out
-	He dealt such a clout
-To the maid, she was down for a week.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A german composer named Bruckner
-Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
-	"Less lento, my dear,
-	 With your cute little rear;
-I like a hot presto when muckener!"
-%
-A gift was delivered to Laura
-From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
-	Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
-	It was peeled, like a grape,
-And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A gifted young fellow from Sparta
-Was widely renowned as a farta'.
-	He could fart anything
-	From "Of Thee I Sing,"
-To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
-%
-A girl camper once had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	When she gave him his hat
-	She realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
-A girl of the Enterprise crew
-Refused every offer to screw.
-	But a Vulcan named Spock
-	Crawled under her smock,
-And now she is eating for two.
-%
-A girl of uncertain nativity
-Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
-	While she sat on the lap
-	Of a German or Jap,
-She could sense Fifth Column activity.
-%
-A graduate student named Zac
-Was said to be great in the sack.
-	An inch of his boner
-	Put girls in a coma
-And two gave them epileptic attacks.
-%
-A greedy young lady from Sidney
-Liked it in up to her kidney,
-	Till a man from Quebec
-	Shoved it up to her neck--
-He really diddled her, didn' he?
-%
-A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
-Once swallowed a package of seeds.
-	In a month, his ass
-	Was covered with grass
-And his balls were grown over with weeds.
-%
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
-	"If you're caught unawares
-	At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
-	Midst screeches and howls
-	He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
-	He brings home young camels
-	And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
-	The thing circumsized him,
-	Which rather suprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%
-A handsome young rodent named Gratian
-As a lifeguard became a sensation.
-	All the lady mice waved
-	And screamed to be saved
-By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
-%
-A happy old hooker named Grace
-Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
-	It was hard for beginners
-	To tell who were winners :
-There were cunt hairs all over the place.
-%
-A hardware debugger named Court
-Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
-	But its buffer array
-	Only handled 1K,
-So the port's driver cut it off short.
-%
-A haughty young wench of Del Norte
-Would fuck only men over forty.
-	Said she, "It's too quick
-	With a young fellow's prick;
-I like it to last, and be warty."
-%
-A headstrong young woman in Ealing
-Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
-	When quizzed why she did,
-	She replied, "To be rid
-Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A hearty young fellow named Yost
-Once had an affair with a ghost.
-	At the height of the spasm
-	The poor ectoplasm
-Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
-%
-A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
-Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
-	"Keep your prick in your pants
-	Till the end of this dance--"
-Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
-%
-A highly aesthetic young Jew
-Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
-	The end of his dillie
-	Was shaped like a lilly,
-And his balls were too utterly two!
-%
-A highway patrol buff named Claire,
-Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
-	And her parts grew so hot,
-	There was steam on her twat,
-So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
-%
-A horny young fellow named Reg,
-Was jerking off under a hedge.
-	The gardener drew near
-	With a huge pruning shear,
-And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
-%
-A huge-organed female in Dallas,
-Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
-	Was virgo intacto,
-	Because, ipso facto,
-No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
-%
-A joker who haunts Monticello
-Is really a terrible fellow.
-	In the midst of caresses
-	He fills ladies dresses
-With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
-%
-A lacklustre lady of Brougham
-Weaveth all night at her loom.
-	Anon she doth blench
-	When her lord and his wench
-Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
-%
-A lad from far-off Transvaal
-Was lustful, but tactful withal.
-	He'd say, just for luck,
-	"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
-But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
-%
-A lad of the brainier kind
-Had erogenous zones in his mind.
-	He got his sensations,
-	By solving equations,
-(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
-%
-A lad, at his first copulation,
-Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
-	Gyration, elation
-	Throughout the duration,
-I guess I'll give up masturbation."
-%
-A lady born under a curse
-Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
-	From the back she would wail
-	Through a thickness of veil:
-"Things do not get better, but worse."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady both callous and brash
-Met a man with a vast black moustache;
-	She cried, "Shave it, O do!
-	And I'll put it with glue
-On my hat as a sort of panache."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady from Kalamazoo
-Once found she had nothing to do,
-	So she sat on the stairs
-	And she counted her hairs:
-4,302.
-%
-A lady from Old Little Rock
-In fidelity took little stock,
-	And deserted her man
-	In the streets of Japan
-For a boy with a prehensile cock.
-%
-A lady removing her scanties,
-Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
-	Said her beau, "Have no fear,
-	For the reason is clear:
-You simply have amps in your panties.
-%
-A lady stockholder quite hetera
-Decided her fortune to bettera:
-	On the floor, quite unclad,
-	She successively had
-Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
-%
-A lady was seized with intent
-To revise her existence misspent.
-	So she climbed up the dome
-	Of St. Peter's in Rome,
-Where she stayed through the following Lent.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
-Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
-	"I don't mind my shins
-	Being stuck full of pins,
-But I fear I am coming unsexed."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady with features cherubic
-Was famed for her area pubic.
-	When they asked her its size
-	She replied in surprise,
-"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
-%
-A lady, while dining in Crewe,
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
-	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
-	Or wave it about
-Or the others will ask for one, too."
-%
-A lass at the foot of her class
-Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
-	She replied, "With no fuss
-	You can get a B-plus,
-By letting the prof pat your ass."
-%
-A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
-After fucking his favorite female,
-	Mixed Drambuie and scotch
-	With the cream in her crotch
-For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
-%
-A licentious old justice of Salem
-Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
-	But instead of a fine
-	He would stand them in line,
-With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
-%
-A limerick packs laughs anatomical
-Into space that is quite economical.
-	But the good ones I've seen
-	So seldom are clean,
-And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
-%
-A lonely young lad of Eton
-Used always to sleep with the heat on,
-	Till he ran into a lass
-	Who showed him her ass --
-Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
-%
-A lovely young diver named Nancy,
-Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
-	The fish of Bonaire,
-	Watched her Derriere,
-And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
-%
-A lovely young maid from St. Jude
-Once rode through the streets in the nude.
-	The police cried, "Whatam--
-	Agnificent bottom"
-And slapped it as hard as they could.
-%
-A lusty young maid from Seattle
-Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
-	Till she found a bull
-	Who filled her so full
-It made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-A lusty young woodsman of Maine
-For years with no woman had lain,
-	But he found sublimation
-	At a high elevation
-In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
-%
-A madam who ran a bordello
-Put come in her pineapple jello,
-	For the rich, sexy taste
-	And not wanting to waste
-That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
-%
-A maestro directing in Rome
-Had a quaint way of driving it home.
-	Whoever he climbed
-	Had to keep her tail timed
-To the beat of his old metronome.
-%
-A maiden who lived in Virginny
-Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
-	The horsey set rushed her,
-	But success finally crushed her
-For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
-%
-A maiden who travelled in France
-Once got on a train, just by chance.
-	The engineer fucked her,
-	The conductor sucked her,
-And the fireman came in his pants.
-%
-A maiden who wrote of big cities
-Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
-	Sold her stuff at the shop
-	Of a musical wop
-Who played with her soft little titties.
-%
-A man was once heard to boast,
-That he received a parcel by post,
-	It contained, so we heard,
-	A magnificent turd,
-And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
-%
-A marine being sent to Hong Kong
-Got a doctor to alter his dong.
-	He sailed off with a tool
-	Flat and thin as a rule -
-When he got there he found he was wrong.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Had a hexhedronical ball,
-	And the square of its weight
-	Times his pecker's, plus eight,
-Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
-	And the cube of its weight
-	Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call.
-%
-A mathematician named Klein
-Thought the Mobius band was divine.
-	Said he, "If you glue
-	The edges of two,
-You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
-%
-A middle-aged codger named Bruin
-Found his love life completely in ruin,
-	For he flirted with flirts
-	Wearing pants and no skirts,
-And he never got in for no screwin'.
-%
-A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
-Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
-	She had nowhere to turn,
-	So she diddled a churn,
-And managed to come with the butter.
-%
-A mortician who practised in Fife
-Made love to the corpse of his wife.
-	"How could I know, Judge?
-	She was cold, did not budge--
-Just the same as she'd acted in life."
-%
-A nasty old drunk in Carmel
-Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
-	He says, "Some don't favor
-	That unusual flavor,
-But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
-%
-A nervous young fellow named Fred
-Took a charming young widow to bed.
-	When he'd diddled a while
-	She remarked with a smile,
-"You've got it all in but the head."
-%
-A new dramatist of the absurd
-Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
-	I learn from my spies
-	He's about to devise
-An unprintable three-letter word.
-%
-A newly-wed man of Peru
-Found himself in a terrible stew:
-	His wife was in bed
-	Much deader than dead,
-And so he had no one to screw.
-%
-A newlywed couple from Goshen
-Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
-	In twenty-eight days
-	They got laid eighty ways --
-Imagine such fucking devotion!
-%
-A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
-In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
-	Reads the sign o'er the head
-	Of her well-rumpled bed
-"The customer always comes first."
-%
-A novice was told by the Abbot:
-"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
-	While they roll in the hay
-	You just stay home and pray.
-You've got to get out of that habit."
-%
-A nudist resort at Benares
-Took a midget in all unawares.
-	But he made members weep
-	For he just couldn't keep
-His nose out of private affairs.
-%
-A nurse motivated by spite
-Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
-	She launched it with ease
-	On the afternoon breeze,
-And watched till it flew out of sight.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A passionate red-haired girl
-When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
-	And her twat would get wet,
-	And would wiggle and fret,
-And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
-%
-A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
-Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
-	To arrest his regard
-	She would squat in his yard
-And longingly pee in the sneaux.
-%
-A petulant man once said, "Pish,
-Your cunt is as big as a dish."
-	She replied, "Why, you fool,
-	With your limp little tool,
-It's like driving a pin with a fish."
-%
-A physical fellow named Fisk
-Could screw at a rate very brisk.
-	So fast was his action
-	The Fitzgerald contraction
-Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
-%
-A pious old woman named Tweak
-Had taught her vagina to speak.
-	It was frequently liable
-	To quote from the Bible,
-But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
-%
-A pious young lady named Finnegan
-Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
-	So time it aright,
-	Make it last through the night,
-For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
-%
-A pious young lady of Chichester
-Made all of the saints in their niches stir
-	And each morning at matin
-	Her breast in pink satin
-Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
-%
-A playful young chemist named Byrd
-Had an urge that could not be deferred.
-	So to irritate Knox
-	He shit in his sox,
-And plastered the walls with his turd.
-%
-A plumber whose name was John Brink
-Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
-	Her resistance was stout,
-	And John Brink petered out,
-With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
-%
-A potter who lived in Bombay
-Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
-	But the heat of his prick
-	Kilned the damn thing to brick
-And chafed all his foreskin away.
-%
-A pretty wife living in Tours
-Demanded her daily amour.
-	But the husband said, "No!
-	It's to much.  Let it go!
-My backsides are dragging the floor."
-%
-A pretty young boy known as Kevin
-Was raped in a pasture by seven
-	Lascivious beasts
-	(Oh, those Anglican priests)
-And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
-	A curious mole
-	Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
-     A curious mole
-     Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
-	She let herself go
-	For an hour or so,
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
-A princess who lived near a bog
-Met a prince in the form of a frog.
-	Now she and her prince
-	Are the parents of quints,
-Four boys and one fine polliwog.
-%
-A princess who reigned in Baroda
-Made her home on a purple pagoda.
-	She festooned the walls
-	Of her halls with the balls
-And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
-	They were graded and spaced
-	So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%
-A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
-Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
-	She cried, "I suppose
-	There's no time for my clothes,
-But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
-%
-A rapturous young fellatrix
-One day was at work on five pricks.
-	With an unholy cry
-	She whipped out her glass eye:
-"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
-%
-A reckless young lady of France
-Had no qualms about taking a chance,
-	But she thought it was crude
-	To get screwed in the nude,
-So she always went home with damp pants.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians,
-They have such peculiar diversions.
-	They screw the whole day
-	In the regular way,
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
-	They make love the whole day
-	In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A responsive young girl from the East
-In bed was an able artiste.
-	She had learned two positions
-	From family physicians,
-And ten more from the old parish priest.
-%
-A romantic attraction has clung
-To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
-	"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
-	That lascivious beast
-Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
-%
-A sailor who slept in the sun,
-Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
-	He remarked with a smile,
-	"Good grief, a sun-dial!
-And now it's a quarter-past one."
-%
-A savvy young hooker named Gail
-Got busted and lodged in the jail.
-	But the jailer got hot,
-	To be lodged in her twat,
-And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
-%
-A scandal involving an oyster
-Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
-	She preferred it, in bed,
-	To the count (so she said)
-'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
-%
-A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
-Resounded for miles upon miles.
-	Said the friar, "Good gracious,
-	The brother Ignatious
-Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
-%
-A seafaring hacker named Slatey
-Went to bed with a VAX/780.
-	The thing's learned to swear
-	With a nautical air,
-And refers to its users as "matey".
-%
-A sex-loving coed named Bree
-Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
-	The joystick, she found,
-	Had been fooling around
-With a neighboring student's PC.
-%
-A silly young man from Hong Kong
-Had hands that were skinny and long.
-	He ate rice with his fingers--
-	The taste of it lingers,
-But now all his fingers are gone.
-%
-A slick talking pirate named Bruce
-To steal code, had a plan to seduce
-	An Apple II+.
-	Now Bruce wears a truss
-And was jailed for computer abuse.
-%
-A software technician from Digital
-Had hardware extremely prodigical.
-	It's rumoured, I hear,
-	That when he was near
-He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
-%
-A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
-Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
-	She started to pout,
-	Because it fell out,
-But the mission was saved by re-entry.
-%
-A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
-His moment of sexual truth.
-	He'd expected to fall
-	On a womb's spongy wall
-But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
-%
-A spinster in Kalamazoo
-Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
-	She was seized by the nape,
-	And fucked by an ape,
-And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
-
-And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
-But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
-	A man with a prick
-	Half as stiff and as thick
-As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
-%
-A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
-Used totoss off each night while in bed.
-	Said his mother, "Dear lad,
-	That's exceedingly bad--
-Jump in here with your mamma instead."
-%
-A starship commander named Kirk
-Emerged from his cabin berserk.
-	He grabbed a girl yeoman
-	Beneath the abdomen,
-And gave her a physical jerk.
-%
-A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
-Was having a captive, a person
-	Who was not averse
-	Though she had the curse,
-And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
-%
-A structured programmer named Drew
-Was intensely turned on by "goto".
-	When he saw it in code
-	He'd shoot off his load.
-It's a good thing his shop used so few.
-%
-A studious professor named Nestor
-Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
-	But she drained out his balls
-	And skipped up the walls,
-Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
-%
-A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
-Went down on her beau in the garden.
-	He said, "Good lord, Tess,
-	Don't swallow that mess "
-And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
-%
-A systems programmer named Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
-	In jealous distress
-	He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's psychotic.
-%
-A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
-Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
-	While the man detumesced
-	She still spent on with zest,
-Her rapture sheer anachronism.
-%
-A talented girl from Detroit
-Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
-	She could squeeze her vagina
-	To a pin-point or finer
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called te umpire blind out of malice.
-	While this worthy had fits
-	The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
-	While this worthy had fits
-	The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A teenage protester named Lil
-Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
-	First they bugged our martinis,
-	Our bras and bikinis,
-And now they are bugging the pill."
-%
-A thrice-married gal from L.A.
-Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
-	'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
-	The voyeur only gawked at it,
-And my most recent man's a gourmet."
-%
-A tidy young lady of Streator
-Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
-	She always would say,
-	"I prefer it this way.
-I think it is very much neater."
-%
-A timid young woman named Jane
-Found parties a terrible strain;
-	With movements uncertain
-	She'd hide in a curtain
-And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A tired young trollop of Nome
-Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
-	Eight miners came screwing,
-	But she said, "Nothing doing;
-One of you has to go home!"
-%
-A trapper named Francois Lefevre
-Once captured and buggered a beaver.
-	The result of this fuck
-	Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriever.
-%
-A tutor who tooted a flute
-Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
-	Said the two to the tutor:
-	"Is it harder to toot or
-To tutor two tutors to toot"
-%
-A vengeful technician named Schmitz
-Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
-	He covered the platter
-	With bats' fecal matter.
-Now its seek time is really the pits.
-%
-A very odd pair are the Pitts:
-His balls are as large as her tits,
-	Her tits are as large
-	As an invasion barge--
-Neither knows how the other cohabits.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
-	Said, "Heavens above!
-	I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
-She used it for many a bunt.
-	But the unlucky wench
-	Got it caught in her trench ---
-It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
-To get the thing out of her cunt.
-%
-A weary old lecher named Blott
-Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
-	Too lazy to rape her,
-	He made darts out of paper,
-Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
-%
-A whimsical fellow named Bloch
-Could beat the base drum with his cock.
-	With a special erection
-	He could play a selection
-From Johann Sebastian Bach.
-%
-A wicked stone cutter named Cary
-Drilled holes in divine statuary.
-	With eyes full of malice
-	He pulled out his phallus,
-And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
-%
-A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
-Had a hole as big as a basket.
-	A spot, as a bride,
-	In it now, you could hide,
-And include with your luggage your mascot.
-%
-A widow who fancied a man some
-Was diddled three times in a hansome.
-	When she clamored for more
-	Her young man became sore
-And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-%
-A widow whose singular vice
-Was to keep her late husband on ice
-	Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
-	I'll never defrost him!
-Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
-%
-A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
-Renowned for the length of their peenies.
-	The hair on their balls
-	Sweeps the floors of their halls,
-But they don't look at women, the meanies.
-%
-A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
-Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
-	But when everything's cleared,
-	He gives way to the weird,
-As he lovingly busses each table.
-%
-A worn-out young husband named Lehr
-Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
-	"Slip on a sheath, quick,
-	Then slip your big dick
-Between these lips covered with hair."
-%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
-	Said the doctor, a cynic,
-	"Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
-A young Juliet of St. Louis
-On a balcony stood acting screwy.
-	Her Romeo climbed,
-	But he wasn't well timed,
-And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
-%
-A young bride and groom of Australia
-Remarked as they joined genitalia :
-	"Though the system seems odd,
-	 We are thankful that God
-Developed the genus Mammalia."
-%
-A young fellow discovered through Freud
-That although of penis devoid,
-	He could practice coitus
-	By eating a foetus,
-And his parents were quite overjoyed.
-%
-A young lad named Lester McGraw
-Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
-	As he watched him stick her
-	He said, with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than Paw."
-%
-A young lady sat by the sea,
-Just as proper as proper could be.
-	A young fellow goosed her,
-	And roughly seduced her,
-So she thanked him and went home to tea.
-%
-A young lady who lived by the Usk
-Subsisted each day on a rusk;
-	She ate the first bite
-	Before it was light,
-And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young lass got married at Chester;
-Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
-	Said she, "You're in luck --
-	'E's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
-%
-A young maiden from France was no prude,
-She decided to dive in the nude,
-	But her buddy, behind,
-	Went out of his mind,
-When he noticed where she was tatooed.
-%
-A young man by a girl was desired
-To give her the thrills she required,
-	But he died of old age
-	Ere his cock could assuage
-The volcanic desire it inspired.
-%
-A young man from the banks of the Po
-Found his cock had elongated so,
-	That when he'd pee
-	It was never he
-But only his neighbors who'd know.
-%
-A young man grew increasingly peaky
-In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
-	The ferns curled up brown,
-	The ceilings flaked down,
-And all of the faucets were leaky.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man maintained that his trigger
-Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
-	But this long and thick pud
-	Was so heavy it could
-Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.
-%
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
-	Had the whole of Eisteddfod
-	Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
-A young man of acumen and daring,
-Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
-	Was left quite alone
-	When it soon became known
-That their use at his board was unsparing.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man with passions quite gingery
-Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
-	He slapped her behind
-	And made up his mind
-To add incest to insult and injury.
-%
-A young polo-player of Berkeley
-Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
-	In the midst of each chukker
-	He would break off and fuck her
-Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
-%
-A young systems programmer of Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
-	In jealous distress
-	He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's a psychotic.
-%
-A young violinist from Rio
-Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
-	As she took down her panties
-	She said, "No andantes;
-I want this allegro con brio!"
-%
-A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
-Preferred frigging to going to mass.
-	Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
-	Or any young cock,
-For I cannot live up to your ass."
-%
-A young woman got married at Chester,
-Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
-	Says she, "You're in luck,
-	He's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
-%
-Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
-The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
-	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
-	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.
-
-The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
-And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
-	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
-	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
-And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
-
-The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
-And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
-	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
-	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
-Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
-%
-According to experts, the oyster
-In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
-	May frequently be
-	Either he or a she
-Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
-%
-Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
-Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
-	Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
-	When he parted her thighs;
-"Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."
-%
-All the female apes ran from King Kong
-For his dong was unspeakably long.
-	But a friendly giraffe
-	Quaffed his yard and a half,
-And ecstatically burst into song.
-%
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
-	Eroticon VI,
-	Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
-	As he fondled his IMP
-	His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
-	Women are fine
-	And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
-	Used on Saturday nights
-	To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-An aesthete from South Carolina
-Had a cock that tickled like China,
-	But while shooting his load
-	It cracked like old Spode,
-So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
-%
-An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
-Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
-	She will use her bare fist
-	If the fellows insist
-But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-%
-An amazon giantess named Dunne
-Let a midget screw her for fun.
-	But the poor little runt
-	Was engulfed in her cunt
-And re-born as the twin of his son.
-%
-An ambitious lady named Harriet
-Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
-	By seventeen sailors
-	A monk and three tailors,
-Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
-%
-An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
-Saw sartorial changes ahead.
-	His mind kept on ringing
-	With fishy girls singing;
-Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
-		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%
-An anonymous woman we knew
-Was dozing one day in her pew;
-	When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
-	She said, "Count me in
-As soon as the service is through."
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
-	Display for selection
-	Three kinds of erection --
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
-An ardent young man named Magruder
-Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
-	She thought it quite lewd
-	To be wooed in the nude,
-But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
-%
-An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
-Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
-	She was finally the prize
-	Of a man twice her size
-And all she recalls is the ache.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
-	The drawing was fine,
-	The colour - devine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
-	The hardware went bad,
-	But not the young lad
-(Except for the toupee and truss).
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
-	The hardware went bad,
-	But not the young lad
-He didn't expect all that fuss!
-%
-An envious girl named McMeanus
-Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
-	It was small consolation
-	That the rest of the nation
-Of women were with her in weeness.
-%
-An exotic young lady named Suki
-Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
-	When asked for a fuck
-	She said, "Solly, no luck--
-See here: looky looky, no nuki "
-%
-An impish young fellow named James
-Had a passion for idiot games.
-	He lighted the hair
-	Of his lady's affair
-And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
-%
-An impotent Scot named MacDougall
-Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
-	He was gathering semen
-	To gender a he-man,
-By screwing his wife through a bugle.
-%
-An incautious young woman named Venn
-Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
-	She vanished one day,
-	But the following May
-Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-An indefatigable woman named Bavel
-Had often occasion to travel;
-	On the way she would sit
-	And furiously knit,
-And on the way back she'd unravel.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-An ingenious young man in South Bend
-Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
-	But the friend shortly found
-	Its construction unsound,
-It was simply a bother -- no end.
-%
-An innocent maiden named Herridge
-Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
-	When she later found out
-	What her spouse was about,
-She threw herself under a carriage.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-An inquisitive virgin named Dora
-Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
-	"Do you mean birds and bees
-	Go through antics like these,
-To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
-%
-An irate young lady named Booker
-Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
-	If you want it queer ways,
-	Go to whores for your lays!"
-So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
-%
-An octagenerian Jew
-To his wife remained steadfastly true.
-	This was not from compunction,
-	But due to dysfunction
-Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
-%
-An old couple just at Shrovetide
-Were having a piece -- when he died.
-	The wife for a week
-	Sat tight on his peak,
-And bounced up and down as she cried.
-%
-An old electronic designer
-Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
-	He couldn't carry them out
-	For his prick was too stout,
-And too small was the minor's vagina.
-%
-An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
-Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
-	But he was not removed
-	Till one day it was proved
-That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-An old maid who had a pet ape
-Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
-	His red, hairy phallus
-	So filled her with malice
-That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
-%
-An old man at the Folies Bergere
-Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
-	It snipped off a twat-curl
-	From each new chorus girl,
-And he had a wig made of the hair.
-%
-An organist playing in York
-Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
-	And between obbligatos
-	He'd munch at tomatoes,
-To keep up his strength while at work.
-%
-An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
-Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
-	Her climatic fame spread
-	With an ad blitz that said:
-Coming soon at a theater near you!
-%
-An uptight young lady named Breerley
-Who valued her morals too dearly
-	Had sex, so I hear,
-	Only once every year,
-And she strained her vagina severely.
-%
-And earnest young woman in Thrace
-Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
-	So he gave her a thwack,
-	And did on her back,
-What he couldn't have done face to face.
-%
-And let me the canakin clink, clink;
-and let me the canakin clink.
-	A soldier's a man;
-	O, man's life's but a span,
-Why then, let a soldier drink.
-%
-And then there's the story that's fraught
-With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
-	When a chap took a crap
-	In the woods, and a trap
-Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
-%
-As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
-Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
-	Since he thinks it's effete
-	To be beating his meat,
-What he's into is licking his chops.
-%
-As he came in his chubby choirboy,
-Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
-	If no sodomy levens
-	And possible heavens,
-Existence will merely annoy."
-%
-As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
-Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
-	I could not bear the loss,
-	For with scarlet silk floss
-My mama has embroidered their clocks."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-As tourists inspected the apse
-An ominous series of raps
-	Came from under the altar,
-	Which caused some to falter
-And others to shriek and collapse.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
-"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
-	I screw a young nun
-	In the eastertide sun?"
-His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
-	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
-	Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
-At a contest for farting in Butte
-One lady's exertion was cute :
-	It won the diploma
-	For fetid aroma,
-And three judges were felled by the brute.
-%
-At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
-Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
-	Letting all comers press
-	Through the skirt of her dress
-And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
-%
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
-	It beats all night long
-	A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-At the end of all civilization
-Is the planet Terminus's location.
-	There's a girl there whose feat,
-	Without stone or concrete,
-Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
-%
-At the moment Japan declared war
-A sailor was fucking a whore.
-	He said, "After this poke
-	`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
-This means months 'til I get back ashore."
-%
-At whist drives and strawberry teas
-Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
-	But when she was alone
-	She'd drink eau de cologne,
-And weep from a sense of unease.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for splashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
-	In the morning he'd not
-	Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Back in the days of old Adam
-The grass served as mattress for madam,
-	And they spent the whole day
-	On the sex that today
-They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
-%
-Coitus upon a cadaver
-Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
-	Her inanimate state
-	Means a man needn't wait,
-And eliminates all the palaver.
-%
-Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
-I know - you don't have to say that!
-	All you guys want of me
-	Is a poke where I pee,
-And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
-%
-Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
-Homo qui aedificabat.
-	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
-	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
-Sed virginem pine necebat.
-%
-Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
-Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
-	She went down on the gents,
-	And pronged the girl's vents
-With a clitoris reaching six inches.
-%
-De Hispanice puella verumque
-Simplex oris verborumque
-	Tulit potens vagina
-	Hominum agmina
-Iterum iterum iterumque.
-%
-Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
-He was blown down the street by a rocket.
-	The force of the blast
-	Blew his balls up his ass,
-And his pecker was found in his pocket.
-%
-DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
-Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
-	And by planned obsolescence,
-	So controlled detumescence,
-A poor man could not get a smell.
-%
-Each Friday his engines abort,
-But Scotty is never caught short.
-	He fills his machines
-	With space-navy beans,
-And farts the ship back into port.
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot of my bed;
-	I'd not mind that he speaks
-	In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
-Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
-	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
-	Ich hore Mann kommen."
-"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
-%
-Ethnologists up with the Sioux
-Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
-	The answer next day,
-	Said, "Girls on the way,
-But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
-%
-Exuberant Sue from Anjou
-Found that fucking affected her hue.
-	She presented to sight
-	Nipples pink, bottom white;
-But her asshole was purple and blue.
-%
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the Mobius strip;
-	The strip revolved,
-	The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%
-Fond of equestrians, Mabel
-Looked for true love in the stable.
-	But she found the studs,
-	For her were all duds,
-Now she's out with the leg of a table.
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-	But the one remedy
-	For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
-%
-From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
-There is really abominable news;
-	They've discovered a head
-	In the box for the bread,
-But nobody seems to know whose.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
-	Said the rector, "My gracious,
-	Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
-%
-From the bathing machine came a din
-As of jollification within;
-	It was heard far and wide,
-	And the incoming tide
-Had a definite flavour of gin.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
-It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
-	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
-	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
-It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
-%
-God's plan had a great beginning,
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning
-	We trust that the story
-	Will end in God's glory
-But at present the other side's winning.
-%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
-	We trust that the story
-	Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
-%
-Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
-Who came to Rumania's rescue?
-	It's a wonderful thing
-	To be under a king--
-Is democracy better, I esk you?
-%
-Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
-Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
-	Some people say,
-	Love finds a way,
-But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
-%
-Have you heard of the lady named Cox
-Who had a capacious old box?
-	When her lover was in place
-	She said, "Please turn your face.
-I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
-%
-Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
-And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
-	How they lift the frock
-	And tickle the cock
-Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
-Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
-	Then his gargantuan pole in
-	Her pink, tight, and swollen
-Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
-%
-Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
-Could rotate his pecker, and then
-	He would shoot through his rear
-	Which made him dear
-Of the girls, and the envy of men.
-%
-Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
-Had morals the city might soften.
-	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
-	Are you living in sin?"
-Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
-%
-His shy bride admitted to Crandall
-That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
-	But a cock like his dick
-	Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
-%
-I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
-Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
-	I replied, "Simple shagging
-	Without any wagging
-Is only for screwing canoeing."
-%
-I met a young man in Chungking
-Who had a very long thing --
-	But you'll guess my surprise
-	When I found that its size
-Just measured a third-finger ring!
-%
-I never had Miss Defauw,
-But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
-	If she'd only said "No"
-	When I wanted her so;
-But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
-%
-I once had the wife of a Dean
-Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
-	She remarked with some gaiety,
-	"Not bad for the laiety,
-Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
-%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-I once was annoyed by a queer
-Who made his intentions quite clear.
-	Said I, "I'm no prude,
-	So don't think me rude,
-But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
-%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-	But this walking around
-	Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
-		-- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
-Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
-	I wonder can she tell
-	That I've been raising hell;
-Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
-
-My wife is just as nice as can be,
-I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
-	For an afternoon of joy,
-	Is hell on the old boy,
-I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
-%
-I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
-I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
-	She said it was crude
-	To be wooed in the nude--
-I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
-%
-I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
-I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
-	And in all my lewd life
-	I've met none like your wife,
-So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
-%
-I'd rather have fingers than toes,
-I'd rather have ears than a nose,
-	And a happy erection
-	Brought just to perfection
-Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
-%
-If continence causes neurosis
-And intercourse causes thrombosis
-	I'd rather expire
-	Fulfilling desire
-Than live in a state of psychosis.
-%
-If you're speaking of actions immoral
-The how about giving the laurel
-	To doughty Queen Esther,
-	No three men could best her --
-One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
-%
-If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
-Employ first-order predicate calculus.
-	With sufficient formality,
-	The sheerest banality,
-Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
-%
-Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
-D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
-	Il la mene chaque soir
-	A son caveau noir
-Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
-Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
-	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
-	Je deteste tous les trois,
-Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
-%
-Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
-Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
-	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
-	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
-Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
-%
-Il y avait une madame de Lahore
-Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
-	Mais la vagine tres forte,
-	Toujours ouverte la porte,
-Encore, et encore, et encore.
-%
-In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
-Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
-	But this lubricant lapse
-	Isn't noticed, perhaps
-Because nobody does in Duluth.
-%
-In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
-Was the first time I ever laid down,
-	I was both proud and shy
-	As he opened his fly
-And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
-
-Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
-As it went in I made not a sound,
-	The more that he shoved it
-	The more that I loved it,
-As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
-%
-In my sweet little night gown of blue,
-On the first night that I slept with you,
-	I was both shy and scared
-	As the bed was prepared,
-And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
-
-As we both watched the break of day,
-And in peaceful submission I lay,
-	You said you adored it
-	But dammit, you tore it,
-My sweet little night gown of blue.
-%
-In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam,
-	And loud was his mirth
-	For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
-%
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
-	He chuckled with mirth,
-	For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
-	It's the best part of valor
-	To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
-%
-In the little French town of Le'Beau,
-Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
-	At a masquerade ball,
-	Clad in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker house roll.
-%
-It always delights me at Hank's
-To walk up the old river banks.
-	One time in the grass
-	I stepped on an ass,
-And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
-%
-It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
-Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
-	They sat in her Bentley,
-	She fondled him gently,
-And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
-%
-It takes little strain and no art
-To bang out an echoing fart.
-	The reaction is hearty
-	When you fart at a party,
-But the sensitive persons depart.
-%
-Love letters no longer they write us,
-To their homes they so seldom invite us.
-	It grieves me to say,
-	They have learned with dismay,
-We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
-%
-Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
-She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
-	If you want to get laid,
-	Then we'll have to tribade!"
-(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
-%
-McCoy's a seducer galore,
-And of virgins he has quite a score.
-	He tells them, "My dear,
-	You're the Final Frontier,
-Where man never has gone before."
-%
-Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
-Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
-	When he's under the weather
-	They can't get together,
-So others get into her box.
-%
-My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-%
-Oden the bardling averred
-His muse was the bum of a bird,
-	And his Lesbian wife
-	Would finger his fife
-While Fisherwood waited as third.
-%
-Of his face she thought not very much,
-But then, at the very first touch,
-	Her attitude shifted --
-	He was terribly gifted
-At frigging and fucking and such.
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-	Seems the puma, in play,
-	Tore his testes away --
-An example of animal huma.
-%
-Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
-Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
-	The poor wench doth stammer,
-	"I need a sledgehammer
-To pound a man into my vent."
-%
-On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
-Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
-	Not russian elite-
-	She's eager to eat
-Whatever or whoever lays her.
-%
-On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
-The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
-	"Aha!" said the mate,
-	"That settles the fate
-Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
-%
-On day a Monterey daughter
-Did scuba down under the water.
-	She later turned up
-	The mom of a pup,
-And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
-%
-On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tattooed the price of her tail
-	And on her behind,
-	For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information in Braille.
-%
-On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
-His girl got a yen for fellatio.
-	As she sucked on his dingus
-	He tried cunnilingus
-But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
-%
-Once a young gay from Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
-Once was a hooker named Gail,
-Busted and sent-off to jail,
-	She liked the jailer,
-	He wanted to nail her,
-So Gail made bail with her tail.
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-	When asked what position
-	He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the loetus."
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-	When asked what position
-	He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the lotus."
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	His enormous red whang
-	Gave her a wonderful bang --
-She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	Then she picked up his hat
-	And realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
-Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
-Has invented a new kind of car.
-	With a tank full of shit
-	There's no stopping it --
-For short trips, two poots take you far.
-%
-Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
-Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
-	At her first sight of one
-	She started to run,
-And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
-%
-Pour guerir un acces de fievre
-Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
-	Il le prit a son trou,
-	Et fit faire un ragout
-Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
-	Let V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let V over P be inverted
-With the square root of Mu inserted
-	N times into V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
-	Let _V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let _P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let _V over _P be inverted
-With the square root of _M_u inserted
-	_N times into _V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
-Is leading me straight to perdition;
-	But I haven't the strength
-	To go to the length
-Of making an act of contrition."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said President Jobcock one day :
-"War's better than love, I should say.
-	Instead of a virgin,
-	It's murder I'm urgin'--
-You get lots more blood that-a-way."
-%
-Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
-"The men like to spread my two legs,
-	Then slip in between,
-	If you know what I mean,
-And leave me the white of their eggs."
-%
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
-"This has been a most wonderful day.
-	Three cherry tarts,
-	At least twenty farts,
-Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
-%
-Said a girl who upon her divan
-Was attacked by a virile young man:
-	"Such excess of passion
-	Is quite out of fashion"
-And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
-"What care I for this shortage of gum?
-	My favorite chew
-	Is a condom or two,
-With a goodly amount of fresh come."
-%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State,
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
-When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
-	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
-	And tease it, and please it,
-For Rome wasn't built in a day."
-%
-Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
-Of all the girls that I've had,
-	None gave me the thrill
-	Of real rapture until
-I learned how to be a tribade."
-%
-Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
-To a sailor just off of a barge,
-	"We have one girl that's dead,
-	With a hole in her head--
-Of course there's a slight extra charge."
-%
-Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
-I'm simply too shy and afraid
-	To take part in your pranks.
-	But to show you my thanks,
-I'd just love to become your first aide.
-%
-Said a pornographistic young poet
-"Although I perhaps do not show it,
-	My interest in sin
-	Is wearing quite thin,
-And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-	"Try as hard as I can,
-	I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
-"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
-	Uhura said, "No,
-	At night that's not so--
-He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
-%
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
-"Only infidel dogs put it in.
-	Back home in Arabia
-	We nibble the labia
-Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
-%
-Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
-"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
-	I replied with some wit,
-	"Do you belch when you shit?"
-I think that was one up for me.
-%
-Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
-	"This nautch is delicious,
-	 And without doubt nutritious.
-She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
-%
-Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
-"This must be our final adieu,
-	For the vicar is slicker,
-	And thicker, and quicker,
-And two inches longer than you."
-%
-Saint Peter was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host :
-	The Father and Son,
-	And then - just for fun -
-The hole in the Holy Ghost.
-%
-Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
-"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
-	To a muffer's delight,
-	I'll take head on a flight,
-So the guy can have pie in the sky."
-%
-She begged and she pleaded for more.
-I said, "We've already had four,
-	And I'm sure that you've heard,
-	Though it's somewhat absurd,
-That eros spelt backwards is sore."
-%
-She made a thing of soft leather,
-And topped off the end with a feather.
-	When she poked it inside her
-	She took off like a glider,
-And gave up her lover forever.
-%
-She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang : goodness knows
-	I am surely impure
-	And I sizzled to scrure,
-But the push had gone out of my hose.
-%
-She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
-When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
-	Now she's lying in the grass,
-	With the muffler up her ass,
-And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
-%
-She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
-Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
-	But she knew, just before
-	She opened the door,
-This same Mr. had kr. sr.
-%
-She wasn't what one could call pretty
-And other girls offered her pity,
-	So nobody guessed
-	That her Wasserman test
-Involved half the men in the city.
-%
-Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
-"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
-	Plus the yen, but the men
-	Only call now and then--
-Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
-%
-So here was this fellow of Strensall
-Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
-	Anemic, 'tis true,
-	But an interesting screw,
-Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
-%
-Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
-She obliges all who accost her.
-	She welcomes the prick
-	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
-Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
-%
-That Harvard don down at El Djim --
-Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
-	With the whole harem randy,
-	The sheik himself handy,
-To muss up a young camel's quim.
-%
-That naughty old Sappho of Greece
-Said: "What I prefer to a piece
-	Is to have my pudenda
-	Rubbed hard by the enda
-The little pink nose of my niece."
-%
-The Dowager Duchess of Spout
-Collapsed at the height of a rout;
-	She found strength to say
-	As they bore her away:
-"I should never have taken the trout."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The Enterprise crew when off work
-Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
-	Uhura the Zulu
-	Is shacked up with Sulu,
-And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
-%
-The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
-Have chased Spock for several years.
-	His look of disdain
-	Has spared them great pain,
-For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
-%
-The Grecians were famed for fine art,
-And buildings and stonework so smart.
-	They distinguished with poise
-	The men from the boys,
-And used crowbars to keep them apart.
-%
-The King named Oedipus Rex
-Who started this fuss about sex
-	Put the world to great pains
-	By the spots and the stains
-Which he made on his mother's pubex.
-%
-The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
-To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
-	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
-	I am coming, I fear,
-But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a girl a most elegant creature.
-	So she laid on her back
-	And, exposing her crack,
-Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
-	The hen, pleased with that,
-	Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The Shah of the Empire of Persia
-Lay for days in a sexual merger.
-	When the nautch asked the Shah,
-	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
-He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
-%
-The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
-And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
-	He caught a big mouse
-	Which he loosed in the house.
-(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
-%
-The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
-Do an act in the nude on their knees.
-	They crawl down the aisle
-	While screwing dog-style,
-As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
-%
-The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
-Fell into the water baptismal;
-	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
-	It had sunk out of sight,
-For the depth of the font was abysmal.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
-They have kept me awake for a week.
-	Why do newlyweds
-	Select squeaky beds
-To develop their fucking technique?
-%
-The bishop of Alexandretta
-Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
-	So he thought he'd enshrine her
-	As the Holy Vagina
-In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
-%
-The bustard's a remarkable fowl
-With surely no reason to growl
-	He escapes what would be
-	Illegitimacy
-By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
-%
-The cruelest of creatures' the crab
-With claws that can pinch you or stab,
-	And then when you dine
-	On crab and white wine
-It gets you as well with the tab.
-%
-The fearless old bishop of Brest
-Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
-	He fucked whores in the apse
-	With chancres and claps,
-But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
-%
-The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
-Came to light with its face in its belly;
-	Her second was born
-	With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The genital area of Ann
-Will accommodate any size man,
-	From the wee that cause titters
-	To the mighty twat-splitters
-That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
-%
-The kings of Peru were the Incas,
-Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
-	They worshipped the sun
-	And had lots of fun,
-But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
-%
-The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
-No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
-	Where ten thousand virgins
-	Succumbed to his urgin's
-There now stands the great State of Utah.
-%
-The latest reports from Good Hope
-State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
-	And fuck high, wide, and free,
-	From the top of one tree
-To the top of the next -- what a scope!
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
-	Or she sneaks to the slums
-	And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
-		-- Morris Bishop
-%
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
-	Once Congress in session,
-	Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
-%
-The moyel who treated young Alec
-Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
-	Presented the child
-	His aim was so wild
-He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
-%
-The new cinematic emporium
-Is not just a super-sensorium,
-	But a highly effectual
-	Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
-	But a highly effectual
-	Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The nipples of Sarah Sarong
-When excited are twelve inches long
-	This embarrassed her lover
-	Who was pained to discover
-She expected no less of his dong
-%
-The notorious Duchess of Peels
-Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
-	Said she, "Would you mind? --
-	Shove one up my behind.
-I am anxious to know how it feels."
-%
-The office brown-noser named Bunky
-Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
-	But when the chips were all down,
-	His proboscis was brown,
-And there hung many strands which were gunky.
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
-	He knew from its bend
-	And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-The once was a man from Bombay
-Who modeled his cunts out of clay
-	So hot was his prick
-	That he turned them to brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
-The partition of Vavasour Scowles
-Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
-	In a firkin; his brain
-	Was found clogging a drain,
-And his toes were inside of some towels.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The prick of the engineer, Scott,
-Fell off from Saturnian rot.
-	He went to the basement
-	And made a replacement
-Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
-%
-The randy old Bey of Algiers
-Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
-	Tried a cunt for a change,
-	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
-Just think what I've missed all these years!"
-%
-The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
-At breakfast with horrid dismay,
-	So he launched off the spoons
-	The pits from his prunes
-At their heads as they neared the buffet.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
-Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
-	That when posed on her toes
-	She elaborately shows
-Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
-%
-The spouse of a pretty young thing
-Came home from the wars in the spring.
-	He was lame but he came
-	With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wonderful thing.
-%
-The star of that X-rated hit
-Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
-	This serves as a palace
-	For each turgid phallus--
-Some say that the plot is pure shit.
-%
-The wife of young Richard of Limerick
-Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
-	Still grows in diameter
-	Each time that you ram at her;
-How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
-%
-The woman who lives on the moon
-Is still cherishing the balloon
-	Of an earthling who'd come
-	And given her some,
-But had dribbled away all too soon.
-%
-The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
-Is not merely reading a meter.
-	By orders of Kirk
-	A part of his work
-Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
-%
-The world is so full of a number of things,
-I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
-	I'll tell you a story--
-	It won't take me long--
-Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
-
-There was an old fellow and what do you think?
-He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
-	He whacked it, he hacked it,
-	He ate it with glee-
-Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
-
-This charming old chap had a sister as well :
-She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
-	Her cunt was so dirty
-	It stank like a beast,
-And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-
-What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
-I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
-	Their odor and diet
-	Won't soon be forgotten,
-And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
-%
-There a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
-	At the height of orgasm
-	Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
-%
-There are some things we mustn't expose,
-So we hide them away in our clothes.
-	Oh, it's shocking to stare
-	At what's certainly there--
-But why this is so, heaven knows.
-%
-There is a young faggot named Mose
-Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
-	And you'll double the joy
-	Of this lecherous boy
-If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
-%
-There is a young lady named Aird,
-Whose bottom is always kept bared.
-	When asked why she pouts,
-	She says "The Boy Scouts,
-All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
-	Said the potted old Duke :
-	"Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
-	Said the king to this dame
-	As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
-	It was not the size
-	That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
-	The more he would screw
-	The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
-	He/she/it said with a nod,
-	"My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
-There once was a bishop from Birmingham
-Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
-	As they knelt on the hassock
-	He lifted his cassock
-And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
-%
-There once was a boy named Carruthers
-Who was busily fucking his mother
-	"I know it's a sin,"
-	He said, shoving it in,
-"But it's better than blowing my brother."
-%
-There once was a chick named Longet,
-Who went out to Aspen to play.
-	Along came a Spyder,
-	Who sat down beside her
-And she blew the poor bastard away.
-%
-There once was a clergyman's daughter
-Who detested the pony he bought her,
-	Till she found that its dong
-	Was as hard and as long
-As the prayers her father had taught her.
-
-She married a fellow named Tony
-Who soon found her fucking the pony.
-	Said he, "What's it got,
-	My dear, that I've not?"
-Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
-	Because in their haste
-	They used Library Paste,
-Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
-	Because in their haste
-	They used library paste,
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelly
-Who walked around belly-to-belly.
-	It seems in their haste,
-	They used Carter's paste
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a dentist named Stone
-Who saw all his patients alone.
-	In a fit of depravity
-	He filled the wrong cavity,
-And my, how his practice has grown!
-%
-There once was a fairy named Avers
-Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
-	Though buggers all claimed
-	That their asses were maimed,
-Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
-%
-There once was a feisty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
-	He'd yip and he'd yap,
-	Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Bob
-Who in sexual ways was a snob.
-	One day he was swimmin'
-	With twelve naked women
-And deserted them all for a gob.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Brewster
-Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
-	"It used to be grand
-	But look at my hand
-You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Howard,
-Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
-	While grabbing some ass,
-	He reached critical mass,
-But think of the girl he deflowered!
-%
-There once was a fellow named Potts
-Who was prone to having the trots
-	But his humble abode
-	Was without a commode
-So his carpet was covered with spots.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Siegel
-Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
-	But the mettlesome bitch
-	Turned and said with a twitch,
-"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Sweeney
-Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
-	Not being uncouth,
-	He added vermouth
-And slipped his amour a martini.
-%
-There once was a fencer named Fisk,
-Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
-	So fast was his action,
-	The Fitzgerald contraction,
-Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
-	He'd yip and he'd yap,
-	Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a floozie named Annie
-Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
-	A buck for a fuck,
-	Fifty cents for a suck,
-And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
-	A virgin named Joan
-	From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
-	He was caught by G-men
-	Shooting his semen
-Where the cops would slip and fall down.
-%
-There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
-Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
-	Sheep are just fine,
-	Chickens, divine,
-But iguanas are Numero Uno."
-%
-There once was a gay young Parisian
-Who screwed an appendix incision,
-	And the girl of his choice
-	Could hardly rejoice
-At the horrible lack of precision.
-%
-There once was a girl from Cornell
-Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
-	When you touched them they shrunk,
-	Except when she was drunk,
-And then they got bigger than hell.
-%
-There once was a girl from Decatur,
-Who got laid by a big alligator.
-	Now nobody knew
-	The result of that screw,
-'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
-	It was not round and pink
-	(As you bastards think)
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Spokane,
-Went to bed with a one-legged man.
-	She said, "I know you--
-	You've really got two!
-Why didn't you say so when we began?"
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
-	But she started absorbin'
-	A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a girl named Louise
-Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
-	The crabs in her twat
-	Tied the hairs in a knot
-And constructed a flying trapeze
-%
-There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
-Who was diddled amazingly often.
-	She was rogered by scores
-	Who'd been turned down by whores,
-And was finally screwed in her coffin.
-%
-There once was a girl named Priscilla
-Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
-	The taste was so fine
-	Man and beast stood in line
-(Including a stud armadilla).
-%
-There once was a girl so lovely,
-Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
-	She strapped on her tanks,
-	And started her pranks,
-But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
-%
-There once was a golfer named Leer,
-Who got put in the clink for a year,
-	For an action obscene,
-	On the very first green.
-Where the sign said "Enter course here."
-%
-There once was a gouty old colonel
-Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
-	And he cried in his tiffin
-	For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
-And the size of the thing was infernal.
-%
-There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
-Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
-	But when I meet boys,
-	God! how I enjoys
-Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
-	So he built him some chicks,
-	Of silicon chips,
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a handsome young seaman
-Who with ladies was really a demon.
-	In peace or in war,
-	At sea or on shore,
-He could certainly dish out the semen.
-%
-There once was a horny old bitch
-With a motorized self-frigger which
-	She would use with delight
-	All day long and all night -
-Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
-%
-There once was a horse named Lily
-Whose dingus was really a dilly.
-	It was vaginoid duply,
-	And labial quadruply --
-In fact, he was really a filly.
-%
-There once was a husky young Viking
-Whose sexual prowess was striking.
-	Every time he got hot
-	He would scour the twat
-Of some girl that might be to his liking.
-%
-There once was a jolly old bloke
-Who picked up a girl for a poke.
-	He took down her pants,
-	Fucked her into a trance,
-And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
-%
-There once was a kiddie named Carr
-Caught a man on top of his mar.
-	As he saw him stick 'er,
-	He said with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than par."
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
-	One was even so brave
-	As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a lady from Kansas
-Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
-	It was nine inches deep
-	And the sides were quite steep --
-It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
-%
-There once was a lady named Carter,
-Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
-	She stripped off his pants,
-	At his prick quickly glanced,
-And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
-%
-There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who posessed a magnificent pair.
-	Or that's what I thought,
-	Till I saw one get caught,
-On a thorn and begin losing air.
-%
-There once was a lady named Myrtle
-Who had an affair with a turtle.
-	She had crabs, so they say,
-	In a year and a day
-Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
-%
-There once was a lawyer named Rex
-With minuscule organs of sex.
-	Arraigned for exposure,
-	He maintained with composure,
-"De minimis non curat lex."
-
-	[Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things.  Ed.]
-%
-There once was a lifeguard named Lee
-Who rescued a girl from the sea
-	She asked how to pay,
-	And he said "Try this way,
-Go down for the third time on me."
-%
-There once was a maid from Mobile
-Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
-	She only got thrills
-	From pneumatic drills
-And an off-centered emery wheel.
-%
-There once was a man from Bombay
-He would do it all night and all day
-	He soon became sore
-	You shoulda' heard him roar
-When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
-%
-There once was a man from Calcutta
-Who used to beat off in the gutta
-	The heat of the sun
-	Affected his gun
-And turned all his cream into butta!
-%
-There once was a man from Dunoon,
-Who always ate soup with a fork.
-	He said "When I eat
-	Either fish, foul or flesh,
-I otherwise finish too quick."
-%
-There once was a man from Exameter
-Who had a prodigious diameter
-	But it wasn't the size
-	That brought forth the cries
-'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a man from Madras,
-Whose balls were made out of brass.
-	When they clanged together,
-	They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
-	The results were most horrid
-	All ass and no forehead
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
-	His daughter, named Nan,
-	Ran away with a man,
-And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
-
-The pair of them went to Manhasset,
-(Nan and the man with the asset.)
-	Pa followed them there,
-	But they left in a tear,
-And as for the asset, Manhasset.
-
-Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
-(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
-	Pa said to the man,
-	"You're welcome to Nan."
-But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
-	He said with a grin
-	As he wiped off his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"
-%
-There once was a man from Racine,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
-	Both concave and convex,
-	It could please either sex,
-But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-%
-There once was a man from Sandem
-Who was making his girl on a tandem.
-	At the peak of the make
-	She jammed on the brake
-And scattered his semen at random.
-%
-There once was a man from Sydney
-Who could put it up to her kidney.
-	But the man from Quebec
-	Put it up to her neck;
-He had a big one, now didn't he?
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
-	Concave and convex
-	It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a man named Lodge,
-who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
-	When his date was strapped in,
-	He committed a sin,
-without ever leaving the garage.
-%
-There once was a man named McGruder,
-Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
-	But the girl thought it crude,
-	To be wooed in the nude,
-So McGru took an oar and subduder.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
-	Just to be couth,
-	He added vermouth,
-And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named Parridge
-With peculiar views on marriage.
-	He sucked off his brother,
-	Fucked his own mother,
-And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There once was a man with a hernia
-Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
-	When you work on my middle
-	Be sure you don't fiddle
-With things that do not concern ya."
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
-	The sword that he used
-	Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was a miner named Dave,
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
-	She was ugly as shit,
-	And missing one tit,
-But think of the money he saves.
-%
-There once was a monk of Camyre
-Who was seized with a carnal desire
-	And the primary cause
-	Was the abbess's drawers
-Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-%
-There once was a newspaper vendor,
-A person of dubious gender.
-	He would charge one-and-two
-	For permission to view
-His remarkable double pudenda.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh,
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
-	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
-	I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a pretty young Mrs.
-Whose tearful but short story thrs.
-	Her mind lost its grasp -
-	Now she thinks she's an asp
-And just sits in the corner and hrs.
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
-	Till a prince from Peru
-	Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a reverend at Kings
-Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
-	But his heart was on fire
-	For a boy in the choir
-Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
-%
-There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
-	What they do to my wife --
-	Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is they all do it well."
-%
-There once was a sailor named Gasted,
-A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
-	He could jerk himself off
-	In a basket, aloft,
-Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
-%
-There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
-Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
-	Yet the girls he would dazzle,
-	And fuck to a frazzle,
-And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
-%
-There once was a spaceman named Spock
-Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
-	A girl from Missouri
-	Whose name was Uhura
-Just fainted away from the shock.
-%
-There once was a whore from Regina
-Who had a stupendous vagina.
-	To save herself time,
-	She had six at a time,
-And another one working behind her.
-%
-There once was a woman from Arden
-Who sucked off a man in a garden.
-	He said, "My dear Flo,
-	Where does all that stuff go?"
-And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
-%
-There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
-Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
-	But he lurked in the ditches
-	And diddled the bitches
-Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
-%
-There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
-	She was ugly and smelly,
-	With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There once was a young girl from Natches
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches
-	She often said, "Shit!
-	I'd give either tit
-For a guy with equipment that matches."
-%
-There once was a young man from Boston
-Who drove around town in an Austin,
-	There was room for his ass,
-	And a gallon of gas,
-So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
-%
-There once was a young man from France
-Who waited ten years for his chance;
-Then he muffed it...
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma
-Who attempted sex with a puma
-	He gave up real quick
-	Minus nose, toes, and prick
-In obvious pain and ill huma.
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma,
-Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
-	Now his dry bleached bones lie,
-	Under hot Asian skies,
-'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
-%
-There once was a young man named Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
-	He had a twin brother
-	Who fell in another
-And now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There once was a young man named Gene,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
-	Concave and convex,
-	It served either sex,
-And it played with itself inbetween.
-%
-There once was a young man named Lancelot
-Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
-	For when he should pass
-	A desirable lass
-The front of his pants would advance a lot.
-%
-There once was an Arpanet freak,
-Who better response-time did seek.
-	He searched coast to coast,
-	For a reliable host,
-Whose logger took less than a week.
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
-	It at last grew so small,
-	He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There once were two brothers named Luntz
-Who buggered each other at once.
-	When asked to account
-	For this intricate mount,
-They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
-%
-There once were two women from Birmingham.
-And this is the story concerning 'em.
-	They lifted the frock
-	And fondled the cock
-Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
-	Till a Spanish grandee,
-	Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a family named Doe,
-An ideal family to know.
-	As father screwed mother,
-	She said, "You're heavier than brother."
-And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
-%
-There was a fat lady of China
-Who'd a really enormous vagina,
-	And when she was dead
-	They painted it red,
-And used it for docking a liner.
-%
-There was a fat man from Rangoon
-Whose prick was much like a ballon.
-	He tried hard to ride her
-	And when finally inside her
-She thought she was pregnant too soon.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
-	That in spite of high station,
-	Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay dog from Ontario
-Who fancied himself a Lothario.
-	At a wench's glance
-	He'd snatch off his pants
-And make for her Mons Venerio.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Norton
-Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
-	To make up for this loss,
-	He had balls like a horse,
-And never spent less than a quartern.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Tooting
-Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
-	Till he married a lass
-	With a face like my arse,
-And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
-%
-There was a girl from Aberystwyth
-Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
-	The miller's son Jack
-	Laid her flat on her back
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a lewd fellow named Duff
-Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
-	With his head in a whirl
-	He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
-I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
-%
-There was a man from Mich.
-Who used to wish and wich.
-	That spring would come
-	So he could bum
-Around and go out fich.
-%
-There was a pianist named Liszt
-Who played with one hand while he pissed,
-	But as he grew older
-	His technique grew bolder,
-And in concert jacked off with his fist.
-%
-There was a poor parson from Goring,
-Who made a small hole in his flooring,
-	Fur-lined it all round,
-	Then laid on the ground,
-And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
-%
-There was a strong man of Drumrig
-Who one day did seven times frig.
-	He buggered three sailors,
-	Four dogs and two tailors,
-And ended by fucking a pig.
-%
-There was a teenager named Donna
-Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
-	Two days out of three
-	She would shoot LSD,
-And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
-%
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
-	Said he with a grin,
-	"Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
-%
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
-	Perceiving his error,
-	The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
-%
-There was a young Scot in Madrid
-Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
-	When they said, "Are you faint?"
-	He replied, "No, I ain't,
-But I don't feel as good as I did."
-%
-There was a young belle of old Natchez
-Whose garments were always in patchez.
-	When comment arose
-	On the state of her clothes
-She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
-%
-There was a young blade from South Greece
-Whose bush did so greatly increase
-	That before he could shack
-	He must hunt needle in stack.
-'Twas as bad as being obese.
-%
-There was a young bride of Antigua
-Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
-	Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
-	Why, you've only felt my twot,
-My legs and my arse and my figua!"
-%
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
-	You say that I, maybe,
-	Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
-%
-There was a young chap in Arabia
-Who courted a widow named Fabia.
-	"Yes, my tongue is as long
-	 As the average man's dong,"
-He said, licking the lips of her labia.
-%
-There was a young cook with the art
-Of making a delicious tart
-	With a handful of shit,
-	Some snot and some spit,
-And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
-%
-There was a young curate whose brain
-Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
-	He lured a small child
-	To a copse dark and wild,
-Where he beat it to death with his cane.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young damsel named Baker
-Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
-	He yelled, "My God!  what
-	Do you call this -- a twat?
-Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
-%
-There was a young dolly named Molly
-Who thought that to frig was a folly.
-	Said she, "Your pee-pee
-	Means nothing to me,
-But I'll do it just to be jolly."
-%
-There was a young fellow called Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse and died.
-	He had a twin brother
-	Who fell in another
-So now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Cal.,
-In bed with a passionate gal.
-	He leapt from the bed,
-	To the toilet he sped;
-Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Florida
-Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
-	When they got into bed
-	He cried, "God strike me dead!
-This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Kent
-Whose cock was so long that it bent
-	To save himself trouble
-	He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Leeds
-Who swallowed a package of seeds.
-	Great tufts of grass
-	Sprouted out of his ass
-And his balls were all covered with weeds.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Parma
-Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
-	Said the damsel demure,
-	"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
-But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
-%
-There was a young fellow name Tucker
-Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
-	Said, "Don't bow out your lips
-	Like an elephant's hips,
-The boys like it best when they pucker."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Ades
-Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
-	But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
-	And the knot holes in doors
-Were by no means exempt from his raids.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Babbitt
-Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
-	But a girl from Johore
-	Could do it twice more,
-Which was just enough extra to crab it.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bill,
-Who took an atomic pill,
-	His navel corroded,
-	His asshole exploded,
-And they found his nuts in Brazil.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
-	She was ugly and smelly
-	With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
-	For even with Venus
-	His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
-			   h
-			   i
-			   s
-			   .
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bowen
-Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
-	It grew so tremendous,
-	So long and so pendulous,
-'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Brewer
-Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
-	Thus he, the poor soul,
-	Could get into her hole,
-And still not be able to screw her!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Case
-Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
-	He licked his way clean
-	Through Number thirteen,
-But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Charteris
-Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
-	Said she, "I don't mind,
-	And higher up you'll find
-The place where my fucker and farter is."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Cribbs
-Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
-	They were inches apart,
-	And to suck it took art,
-While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Feeney
-Whose girl was a terrible meany.
-	The hatch of her snatch
-	Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
-Was reputed an infamous lecher.
-	When he'd take on a whore
-	She'd need a rebore,
-And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fyfe
-Whose marriage was ruined for life,
-	For he had an aversion
-	To every perversion,
-And only liked fucking his wife.
-
-Well, one year the poor woman struck,
-And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
-	And said, "Where have you gotten us
-	With your goddamn monotonous
-Fuck after fuck after fuck?
-
-"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
-And a versatile girl she was, too.
-	After ten years of whoredom
-	She perished of boredom
-When she married a jackass like you!"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gene
-Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
-	He next picked his toes,
-	And lastly his nose,
-And he never did wash in between.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gluck
-Who found himself shit out of luck.
-	Though he petted and wooed,
-	When he tried to get screwed
-He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Goody
-Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
-	If he found himself nude
-	With a gal in the mood
-The question's not woody but could he?
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grant
-Who was made like the sensitive plant.
-	When they asked "Do you fuck?"
-	He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could, but I can't."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grimes
-Who fucked his girl seventeen times
-	In the course of a week --
-	And this isn't to speak
-Of assorted venereal crimes.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Harry,
-Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
-	He grabbed him a virgin,
-	Who, without any urgin',
-Immediately spread like a fairy.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Hatch
-Who was fond of the music of Bach.
-	He said: "It's not fussy
-	Like Brahms and Debussy;
-Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Kimble
-Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
-	But fragile and slender,
-	And dainty and tender,
-So he kept it encased in a thimble.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Meek
-Who invented a lingual technique.
-	It drove women frantic,
-	And made them romantic,
-And wore all the hair off his cheek.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Morgan
-Who possessed an unusual organ:
-	The end of his dong,
-	Which was nine inches long,
-Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Paul
-Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
-	But the size of my prick
-	Is God's dirtiest trick,
-For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Pell
-Who didn't like cunt very well.
-	He would finger or fuck one,
-	But never would suck one--
-He just couldn't get used to the smell.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Price
-Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
-	He had virgins and boys
-	And mechanical toys,
-And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Prynne
-Whose prick was so short and so thin,
-	His wife found she needed
-	A Fuckoscope -- she did --
-To see if he'd gotten it in.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Skinner
-Who took a young lady to dinner
-	At a quarter to nine,
-	They sat down to dine,
-At twenty to ten it was in her.
-The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
-
-There was a young fellow named Tupper
-Who took a young lady to supper.
-	At a quarter to nine,
-	They sat down to dine,
-And at twenty to ten it was up her.
-Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
-Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
-	The hatch of her snatch,
-	Had a catch that would latch,
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
-	It was shaped like a prism
-	And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Burma
-Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
-	But now that he's married he's
-	Been using cantharides
-And the root of their love is much firmer.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
-	He had such a tool
-	It was wound on a spool,
-And he reeled it out inich by inich.
-
-But this tale has an unhappy finich,
-For due to the sand in the spinach
-	His ballocks grew rough
-	And wrecked his wife's muff,
-And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Harrow
-Whose john was the size of a marrow.
-	He said to his tart,
-	"How's this for a start?
-My balls are outside in a barrow."
-%
-There was a young fellow of Kent
-Whose prick was so long that it bent,
-	So to save himself trouble
-	He put it in double,
-And instead of coming he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Mayence
-Who fucked his own arse in defiance
-	Not only of custom
-	And morals, dad-bust him,
-But of most of the known laws of science.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Perth
-Whose balls were the finest on earth.
-	They grew to such size
-	That one won a prize,
-And goodness knows what they were worth.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Strensall
-Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
-	On the night of his wedding
-	It went through the bedding,
-And shattered the chamber utensil.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Warwick
-Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
-	For he could by election
-	Have triune erection:
-Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
-%
-There was a young fellow whose dong
-Was prodigiously massive and long.
-	On each side of his whang
-	Two testes did hang
-That attracted a curious throng.
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
-	A woman is fine,
-	And a sheep is divine,
-But a llama is Numero Uno."
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
-	Women are fine
-	And children devine,
-But the llama is numero uno."
-%
-There was a young girl from Annista
-Who dated a lecherous mister.
-	He fondled her titty,
-	Got one finger shitty,
-Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
-%
-There was a young girl from Decatur
-Who was raped by an alligator.
-	But no one quite knew
-	How she relished that screw,
-For after he screwed her, he ate her.
-%
-There was a young girl from Dundee,
-From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
-	No one ate the nice fruit,
-	To tell you the truth,
-Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
-%
-There was a young girl from East Lynn
-Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
-	Had filled up her crack
-	With hard-setting shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Who said, "You are utterly wrong
-	To say my vagina
-	Is the largest in China
-Just because of your mean little dong."
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
-	She said with a yell,
-	As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl from Medina
-Who could completely control her vagina.
-	She could twist it around
-	Like the cunts that are found
-In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
-	A woodpecker or two
-	Made the grade it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-
-Till along came a man who presented
-A tool that was strangely indented.
-	With a dizzying twirl
-	He punctured that girl,
-And thus was the cork-screw invented.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her quim with a cork
-	A woodpecker or two
-	Made the grade, it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who had nothing whatever to do.
-	So she sat on the stairs,
-	And counted cunt hairs,
-Four thousand, three hundred and two.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who noticed her lovers were few;
-	So she walked out her door
-	With a fig leaf, no more,
-And now she's in bed - with the flu.
-%
-There was a young girl from Samoa
-Who pledged that no man would know her.
-	One young fellow tried,
-	But she wriggled aside,
-And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
-%
-There was a young girl from Seattle,
-Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
-	But a bull from the South
-	Shot a wad in her mouth
-That made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-There was a young girl from Siam
-Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
-	"To seduce me, of course,
-	You'll have to use force,
-And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Cyr
-Whose reflex reactions were queer.
-	Her escort said, "Mable,
-	Get up off the table;
-That money's to pay for the beer."
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Paul
-Who went to a newspaper ball.
-	Her dress caught on fire
-	And burnt her entire
-Front page and sport section and all.
-%
-There was a young girl from the Bronix
-Who had a vagina of onyx.
-	She had so much `tsoris'
-	With her clitoris,
-She traded it in for a Packard.
-%
-There was a young girl from the coast
-Who, just when she needed it most,
-	Lost her Kotex and bled
-	All over the bed,
-And the head and the beard of her host.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who eked out a living through sin.
-	She didn't mind fucking,
-	But much preferred sucking,
-And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
-	Though he diddled his best,
-	And fucked her with zest,
-She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
-%
-There was a young girl in Dakota
-Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
-	"In addition to gas
-	We are rationing ass,
-And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
-%
-There was a young girl name McKnight
-Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
-	She came to in bed,
-	With a split maidenhead--
-That's the last time she ever was tight.
-%
-There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
-Who swore that no man could surprise her.
-	But Pabst took a chance,
-	Found a Schlitz in her pants,
-And now she is sadder Budweiser.
-%
-There was a young girl named Heather
-Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
-	She made a queer noise,
-	Which attracted the boys,
-By flapping the edges together.
-%
-There was a young girl named McCall
-Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
-	But the size of her anus
-	Was something quite heinous --
-It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Clare
-Whose body was covered with hair.
-	It was really quite fun
-	To probe with one's gun,
-For her quimmy might be anywhere.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Malley
-Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
-	She got roars of applause
-	When she kicked off her drawers,
-But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
-	She said, "It's a sin,
-	But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
-	She tickled the balls
-	Of the men in the halls,
-And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
-	The miller's sun, Jack,
-	Laid her flat on her back,
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
-	From the love-making frock
-	(With the proper sized cock)
-Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
-	From the love-making frock
-	(With the proper sized cock)
-Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Asturias
-With a penchant for practices curious.
-	She loved to bat rocks
-	With her gentlemen's cocks --
-A practice both rude and injurious.
-%
-There was a young girl of Batonger
-who diddled herself with a conger,
-	When asked how it feels
-	To be pleasured by eels
-She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
-%
-There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
-Had a very capricious vagina:
-	To the shock of the fucker
-	"Twould suddenly pucker,
-And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Cod
-Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
-	But it wasn't Jehovah
-	That turned the girl over,
-'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
-	the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Town
-Who usually fucked with a clown.
-	He taught her the trick
-	Of sucking his prick,
-And when it went up -- she went down.
-%
-There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
-Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
-	She was fucked at the show
-	In the twenty-third row,
-And once more going home in the taxi.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
-	There was never a sound
-	For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young girl of Des Moines
-Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
-	Till a guy from Hoboken
-	Went and dropped in a token,
-And now she rides free on the ferry.
-%
-There was a young girl of Detroit
-Who at fucking was very adroit:
-	She could squeeze her vagina
-	To a pin-point, or finer,
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-
-And she had a friend named Durand
-Whose cock could contract or expand.
-	He could diddle a midge
-	Or the arch of a bridge --
-Their performance together was grand!
-%
-There was a young girl of East Lynne
-Whose mother, to save her from sin,
-	Had filled up her crack,
-	To the brim with shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl of Gibraltar
-Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
-	It really seems odd
-	That a virtuous God
-Should answer her prayers and assault her.
-%
-There was a young girl of LLewellyn
-Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
-	They were big it is true,
-	But her cunt was big too,
-Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
-Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
-%
-There was a young girl of Mobile,
-Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
-	To give her a thrill,
-	Took a rotary drill,
-Or a number nine emery wheel.
-%
-There was a young girl of Moline
-Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
-	She would work on a prick
-	With every known trick,
-And finish by winking it clean.
-%
-There was a young girl of Newcastle
-Whose charms were declared universal.
-	While one man in front
-	Wired into her cunt,
-Another was engaged at her arsehole.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pawtucket
-Whose box was as big as a bucket.
-	Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
-	I'll have to wear boots,
-For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
-%
-There was a young girl of Penzance
-Who boarded a bus in a trance.
-	The passengers fucked her,
-	Likewise the conductor,
-While the driver shot off in his pants.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pitlochry
-Who was had by a man in a rockery.
-	She said, "Oh! You've come
-	All over my bum;
-This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
-%
-There was a young girl of Rangoon
-Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
-	"Well, it has been great fun,"
-	She remarked when he'd done,
-"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
-%
-There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
-Whose people all thought her a virgin,
-	Till they found her in bed
-	With her twat very red,
-And the head of a kid just emergin'.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
-	T'was fun in the breeding
-	But hell in the feeding
-When she found there's no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
-	It was fun in the breeding,
-	But hell in the feeding,
-When she found there was no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
-	When she sat on their lap
-	She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
-%
-There was a young harlot from Kew
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
-	She said with a grin,
-	"If they pay to get in,
-They'll pay to get out of it too."
-%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
-Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
-	And they tickled so nice
-	She drew a high price
-From the studs at the summer resorts.
-
-Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
-Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
-	For according to rumor
-	His tool had a tumor
-And a fine row of warts down the middle.
-%
-There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
-Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
-	The knob out in front
-	Attracted foul cunt
-Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
-%
-There was a young idler named Blood,
-Made a fortune performing at stud,
-	With a fifteen-inch peter,
-	A double-beat metre,
-And a load like the Biblical Flood.
-%
-There was a young lad from Nahant
-Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
-	When asked, "Do you fuck?"
-	He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could but I can't."
-%
-There was a young lad from Siam,
-Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
-	He loved them real small,
-	'Cause they're funner to ball,
-So he went out and bought him a lamb!
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
-	His father said, "Durcan!
-	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Ward
-Who strung himself up with a cord
-	Said he, of his work
-	(Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
-"I am leaving because I am bored."
-		- E.A. Guest
-%
-There was a young lad named McFee
-Who was stung in the balls by a bee
-	He made oodles of money
-	By oozing pure honey
-Every time he attempted to pee.
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
-	Said the brawny old mate,
-	"That accounts for the state
-Of the cook and the captain and me."
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
-	"I see," said the mate,
-	"That accounts for the state
-Of the captain, the purser, and me."
-%
-There was a young lady called Ciss
-Who went to the river to piss.
-	A young man in a punt
-	Put his hand on her cunt;
-No wonder she thought it was bliss.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bangor
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
-	She woke in dismay
-	When she heard the mate say:
-"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
-%
-There was a young lady from Bright,
-Whose speed was much faster than light.
-	She went out one day
-	In a relative way
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bristol
-Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
-	Said she, "It's all glass,
-	And as round as my ass,"
-And she farted as loud as a pistol.
-%
-There was a young lady from Brussels
-Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
-	She could easily plex them
-	And so interflex them
-As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
-%
-There was a young lady from Drew
-Who ended her verse at line two.
-%
-There was a young lady from Dumfries
-Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
-	My navel's all bare,
-	So stick it in there,
-Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
-%
-There was a young lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
-	One was even so brave
-	As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
-	While her lover lamented
-	The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
-	But you knew from the view,
-	As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
-	At the height of their passion
-	He dealt her a ration
-From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
-%
-There was a young lady from Norway
-Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
-	She told her young man,
-	"Get off the divan,
-I think I've discovered one more way "
-%
-There was a young lady from Prentice
-Who had an affair with a dentist.
-	To make things easier
-	He used anesthesia,
-And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rheims
-Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
-	A friend poked around
-	And a fly-button found
-Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
-	As she dropped her panties
-	She said, "No andanties
-I want this allegro con brio."
-%
-There was a young lady from Siam
-Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
-	"You may kiss me of course,
-	But you'll have to use force.
-Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who demurely undressed on a train.
-	A helpful young porter
-	Helped more than he orter,
-And she promptly cried "Help me again"
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who got sick as she rode on a train;
-	Not once, but again,
-	And again, and again,
-And again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Whose face was exceedingly plain,
-	But her cunt had a pucker
-	That made the men fuck her,
-Again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Troy
-Had a moustache, just like a young boy
-	Though it tickled to kiss
-	'Twas a source of much bliss
-When she used it to brush a man's toy.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
-	But a cynic named Boris
-	Just touched her clitoris
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who had a peculiar feeling.
-	She laid on her back
-	And tickled her crack
-And pissed all over the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wooster
-Who complained that too many men gooster.
-	So she traded her scanties
-	For sandpaper panties,
-Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
-%
-There was a young lady in Reno,
-Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
-	But she lay on her back,
-	And opened her crack,
-So now she owns the Casino!
-%
-There was a young lady named Alice
-Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
-	'Twas the common belief
-	It was done for relief,
-And not out of protestant malice.
-%
-There was a young lady named Astor
-Who never let any get past her.
-	She finally got plenty
-	By stopping twenty,
-Which certainly ought to last her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Banker,
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
-	She woke in dismay,
-	When she heard the mate say,
-"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
-%
-There was a young lady named Blount
-Who had a rectangular cunt.
-	She learned for diversion
-	Posterior perversion,
-Since no one could fit here in front.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bower
-Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
-	But a poet from Perth
-	Laid her flat on the earth,
-And proceeded with penis to plough her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brent
-With a cunt of enormous extent,
-	And so deep and so wide,
-	The acoustics inside
-Were so good you could hear when you spent.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bright
-Who could travel much faster than light.
-	She took off one day,
-	In a relative way,
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brook
-Who never could learn how to cook.
-	But on a divan
-	She could please any man-
-She knew every darn trick in the book!
-%
-There was a young lady named Cager
-Who, as the result of a wager,
-	Consented to fart
-	The entire oboe part
-Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ciss
-Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
-	But she'll never restate,
-	For a wheel off her skate
-.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
-	At least so I thought
-	Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Dot
-Whose cunt was so terribly hot
-	That ten bishops of Rome
-	And the Pope's private gnome
-Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
-%
-There was a young lady named Duff
-With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
-	In his haste to get in her
-	One eager beginner
-Lost both of his balls in the rough.
-%
-There was a young lady named Etta
-Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
-	Three reasons she had:
-	To keep warm wasn't bad,
-But the other two reasons were betta.
-%
-There was a young lady named Fleager
-Who was terribly, terribly eager
-	To be all the rage
-	On the tragedy stage,
-Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Flo
-Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
-	So they tried it all night,
-	Till he got it just right...
-Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
-%
-There was a young lady named Flynn
-Who thought fornication a sin,
-	But when she was tight
-	It seemed quite all right,
-So everyone filled her with gin.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gilda
-Who went on a date with a builder.
-	He said that he would,
-	And he could and he should,
-And he did and it damn well near killed her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria
-Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
-	And then by six men,
-	Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria,
-Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
-	She replied to the chap,
-	"I'll draw you a map,
-Of where others have been to before ya."
-%
-There was a young lady named Grace
-Who would not take a prick in her "place."
-	Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
-	She never would fuck it--
-She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
-	The dress caught on fire
-	And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hatch
-Who would always come through in a scratch.
-	If a guy wouldn't neck her,
-	She'd grab up his pecker
-And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
-%
-There was a young lady named Mable
-Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
-	Then cry to her man,
-	"Stuff in all you can --
-Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
-%
-There was a young lady named Mandel
-Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
-	By coming out bare
-	On the main village square
-And frigging herself with a candle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Maud,
-A terrible society fraud:
-	In company, I'm told,
-	She was distant and cold,
-But if you got her alone, Oh God!
-%
-There was a young lady named May
-Who strolled in a park by the way,
-	And she met a youg man
-	Who fucked her and ran --
-Now she goes to the park every day.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nance
-Who learned about fucking in France,
-	And when you'd insert it
-	She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
-And shoved it right back in your pants.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nelly
-Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
-	They could tickle her twat
-	Or be tied in a knot,
-And could even swat flies on her belly.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was raped three times in a hansom
-	When she cried out for more
-	Said a voice from the floor,
-"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
-	When she cried out for more
-	A voice from the floor
-Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
-%
-There was a young lady named Riddle
-Who had an untouchable middle.
-	She had many friends
-	Because of her ends,
-Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-Who fainted whenever she chose;
-	She did so one day
-	While playing croquet,
-But was quickly revived with a hose.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-With erogenous zones in her toes.
-	She remained onanistic
-	Till a foot-fetishistic
-Young man became one of her beaux.
-%
-There was a young lady named Schneider
-Who often kept trysts with a spider.
-	She found a strange bliss,
-	In the hiss of her piss,
-As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Smith
-Whose virtue was largely a myth.
-	She said, "Try as I can
-	I can't find a man
-Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
-	For it tickled her bum
-	And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady named Wylde
-Who kept herself quite undefiled
-	By thinking of Jesus;
-	Contagious diseases;
-And the bother of having a child.
-%
-There was a young lady of Arden,
-The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
-	Said she with a frown,
-	"I've been sadly let down
-By the tool of a fool in a garden."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bicester
-Who was nicer by far than her sister:
-	The sister would giggle
-	And wiggle and jiggle,
-But this one would come if you kissed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Brabant
-Who slept with an impotent savant.
-	She admitted, "We shouldn't,
-	But it turned out he couldn't-
-So you can't say we have when we haven't."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bude
-Who walked down the street in the nude.
-	A bobby said, "Whattum
-	Magnificent bottom!"
-And slapped it as hard as he could.
-%
-There was a young lady of Carmia
-Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
-	At every cold snap
-	She would climb in your lab,
-So her little base burner could warm ya.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Who went down to the river to pee.
-	A man in a punt
-	Put his hand on her cunt,
-And God! how I wish it were me.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Whose hymen was split into three.
-	And when she was diddled
-	The middle string fiddled :
-"Nearer My God To Thee."
-%
-There was a young lady of Dexter
-Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
-	For whenever they'd start
-	He'd unfailingly fart
-With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dover
-Whose passion was such that it drove her
-	To cry, when you came,
-	"Oh dear!  What a shame!
-Well, now we shall have to start over."
-%
-There was a young lady of Ealing
-And her lover before her was kneeling.
-	Said she, "Dearest Jim,
-	Take your hands off my quim;
-I much prefer fucking to feeling."
-%
-There was a young lady of Fez
-Who was known to the public as "Jez."
-	Jezebel was her name,
-	Sucking cocks was the game
-She excelled at (so everyone says).
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
-	The crabs, in a lump,
-	Made tracks to her rump--
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester
-Whose friends they thought they had lost her
-	Till they found on the grass
-	The marks of her arse,
-And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
-	She wasn't much hurt,
-	But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Kent,
-Who admitted she knew what it meant
-	When men asked her to dine,
-	And plied her with wine,
-She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
-%
-There was a young lady of Lee
-Who scrambled up into a tree,
-	When she got there
-	Her arsehole was bare,
-And so was her C U N T.
-%
-There was a young lady of Lincoln
-Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
-	So she had a prick lent her
-	Which turned it magenta,
-This artful old lady of Lincoln.
-%
-There was a young lady of Natchez
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
-	And she often said, "Shit!
-	Why, I'd give either tit
-For a man with equipment that matches."
-
-There was a young fellow named Locke
-Who was born with a two-headed cock.
-	When he'd fondle the thing
-	It would rise up and sing
-An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-
-But whether these two ever met
-Has not been recorded as yet,
-	Still, it would be diverting
-	To see him inserting
-His whang while it sang a duet.
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
-	She said to her beau
-	"Just look at me, Joe,
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young lady of Rhyll
-In an omnibus was taken ill,
-	So she called the conductor,
-	Who got in and fucked her,
-Which did more good than a pill.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who took down her pants on a train.
-	There was a young porter
-	Saw more than he orter,
-And asked her to do it again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
-	They did it again
-	And again and again,
-And again and again and again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Twickenham
-Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
-	On her knees every day
-	To God she would pray
-To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
-	My little brown jug
-	Has need of a plug" --
-And straightaway she started to peeling.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
-	But a cynic named Boris
-	Just touched her clitoris,
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
-	To her lover she said,
-	As they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
-%
-There was a young lady who said,
-As her bridegroom got into the bed,
-	"I'm tired of this stunt,
-	That they do with one's cunt,
-You can get up my bottom instead."
-%
-There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accommodate a small punt.
-	Her mother said, "Annie,
-	It matches your fanny,
-Which never was that of a runt."
-%
-There was a young lady whose thighs,
-When spread showed a slit of such size,
-	And so deep and so wide,
-	You could play cards inside,
-Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
-	That they had to be parted
-	Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young laundress named Wrangle
-Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
-	"They may tickle my chin,"
-	She said with a grin,
-"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
-%
-There was a young maiden from Osset
-Whose quim was nine inches across it.
-	Said a young man named Tong,
-	With tool nine inches long,
-"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
-%
-There was a young man from Bear Ridge
-Who had strange ideas about marriage.
-	He fucked his wife's mother
-	And sucked off her brother
-And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Air
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
-	But the banister broke,
-	So he doubled his stroke,
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
-	But the banister broke
-	So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man from Bengal
-Who claimed he had only one ball,
-	But two little bitches
-	Pulled down this man's breeches
-And proved he had nothing at all.
-%
-There was a young man from Biloxi
-Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
-	Drinking glass after glass,
-	He would tune up his ass,
-Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
-%
-There was a young man from Boston
-Who rode around in an Austin.
-	There was room for his ass
-	And a gallon of gas,
-But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
-%
-There was a young man from Calcutta
-Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
-	"If her Bartholin glands
-	Don't respond to my hands,
-I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
-%
-There was a young man from Dallas
-Who had an exceptional phallus.
-	He couldn't find room
-	In any girl's womb
-Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
-%
-There was a young man from Dundee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
-	The results were quite horrid:
-	All ass and no forehead,
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There was a young man from East Lizes
-Whose balls were of two different sizes
-	One was so small
-	It was no ball at all
-The other was large and won prizes.
-%
-There was a young man from East Wubley
-Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
-	Each quadruplicate shaft
-	Had two balls hanging aft,
-And the general effect was quite lovely.
-
-There was a young man from Hong Kong
-Who had a trifurcated prong:
-	A small one for sucking,
-	A large one for fucking,
-And a `boney' for beating a gong.
-%
-There was a young man from Glengozzle
-Who found a remarkable fossil.
-	He knew by the bend
-	And the wart on the end,
-'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There was a young man from Jodhpur
-Who found he could easily cure
-	His dread diabetes
-	By eating a foetus
-Served up in a sauce of manure.
-%
-There was a young man from Kent
-Whose tool was so long that it bent.
-	To save himself trouble
-	He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young man from Lynn
-Whose cock was the size of a pin.
-	Said his girl with a laugh
-	As she felt his staff,
-"This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There was a young man from Maine
-Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
-	It was almost as long,
-	So he strolled with his dong
-Extended in sunshine and rain.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
-	But he looked in the glass,
-	And saw his own ass,
-And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
-%
-There was a young man from New Haven
-Who had an affair with a raven.
-	He said with a grin
-	As he wiped off his chin,
-"Nevermore!"
-%
-There was a young man from Peru,
-Who took a long trip by canoe.
-	While staring at Venus,
-	And rubbing his penis,
-He wound up with a handful of goo.
-%
-There was a young man from Purdue
-Who was only just learning to screw,
-	But he hadn't the knack,
-	And he got too far back --
-In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
-%
-There was a young man from Racine
-Who invented a fucking machine.
-	Concave or convex,
-	It served either sex,
-But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
-%
-There was a young man from Rangoon
-Who used to lament 'neath the moon
-	That he had the luck
-	To be born of a fuck
-That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-%
-There was a young man from Salinas
-Who had an extremely long penis:
-	Believe it or not,
-	When he lay on his cot
-It reached from Marin to Martinez.
-%
-There was a young man from Seattle
-Whose testicles tended to rattle.
-	He said as he fuck-ed
-	Some stones in a bucket,
-"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
-%
-There was a young man from Siam
-Who said, "I go in with a wham,
-	But I soon lose my starch
-	Like the mad month of March,
-And the lion comes out like a lamb."
-%
-There was a young man from St. Paul's
-Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
-	Till he grew such a passion
-	For feminine fashion
-That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-%
-There was a young man from Stamboul
-Who boasted so torrid a tool
-	That each female crater
-	Explored by this satyr
-Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
-%
-There was a young man from Tibet-
-And this is the strangest one yet-
-	Whose tool was so long,
-	So pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
-%
-There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
-	At the height of their fever
-	Her ass hit the lever
-And: yes, he has no banana.
-%
-There was a young man in Norway,
-Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
-	But the air was so frigid
-	It froze his cock rigid,
-And all he could come was frappe.
-%
-There was a young man in the choir
-Whose penis rose higher and higher,
-	Till it reached such a height
-	It was quite out of sight --
-But of course you know I'm a liar.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
-	His wife was a bitch,
-	And she threw the switch,
-As Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
-	His wife was a bitch,
-	Yeah, she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Hughes
-Who swore off all kinds of booze.
-	He said, "When I'm muddled
-	My senses get fuddled,
-And I pass up too many screws."
-%
-There was a young man named Knute
-Who had warts all over his root.
-	He put acid on these
-	And now when he pees,
-He fingers the thing like a flute.
-%
-There was a young man named Laplace
-Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
-	When they banged together
-	They played "Stormy Weather"
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man named McNamiter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
-	But it wasn't the size
-	Gave the girls a surprise,
-But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a young man named Rex
-Who really was small for his sex.
-	When tried for exposure
-	The judge's disclosure
-Was "de minimus non curat lex."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabel
-Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
-	When they asked if his pleasure
-	Was only half measure,
-He replied, "That is highly improbable."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabub
-Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
-	But the pride of his life
-	Were the tits of his wife --
-One real, and one India-rubber bub.
-%
-There was a young man of Arras
-Who stretched himself out on the grass,
-	And with no little trouble,
-	He bent himself double,
-And stuck his prick well up his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Australia
-Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
-	He buggered a frog,
-	Two mice and a dog,
-And a bishop in fullest regalia.
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
-	I will suck, without charge,
-	Any cock, if it's large.
-If it's small, I expect to be paid."
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who slept with a girl in the trade.
-	She said to him, "Jack,
-	Try the hole in the back;
-The front one is badly decayed."
-%
-There was a young man of Bengal
-Who swore he had only one ball,
-	But two little bitches
-	Unbuttoned his britches,
-And found he had no balls at all.
-%
-There was a young man of Bombay
-Who buggered his dad once a day.
-	He said, "I like, rather,
-	Fucking my father --
-He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
-%
-There was a young man of Calcutta,
-Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
-	When he got to c-u,
-	A pious Hindoo
-Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
-	And he wouldn't have been
-	If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of Coblenz
-Whose ballocks were simply immense:
-	It took forty-four draymen,
-	A priest and three laymen
-To carry them thither and thence.
-%
-There was a young man of Darjeeling
-Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
-	In the electric light socket,
-	He'd put it and rock it--
-Oh God!  What a wonderful feeling!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
-	His tool when at ease,
-	Hung down to his knees,
-Oh, what must it be when it rises!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes,
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
-	One was so small,
-	It was nothing at all;
-The other took numerous prizes.
-%
-There was a young man of Dumfries
-Who said to his girl, "If you please,
-	It would give me great bliss
-	If, while playing with this,
-You would pay some attention to these!"
-%
-There was a young man of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
-	So long was his tool
-	That it wound round a spool,
-And he let it out inach by inach.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
-	He not only fucked her,
-	But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum,
-The strength of whose balls was his doom.
-	So strong was his shootin',
-	The third law of Newton
-Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
-%
-There was a young man of Kildare
-Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
-	The bannister broke,
-	But he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man of Kutki
-Who could blink himself off with one eye.
-	For a while though, he pined,
-	When his organ declined
-To function, because of a stye.
-%
-There was a young man of Lahore
-Whose prick was one inch and no more.
-	It was all right for key-holes
-	And little girl's pee-holes,
-But not worth a damn with a whore.
-%
-There was a young man of Lake Placid
-Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
-	When he wanted to sport
-	He would have to resort
-To injections of sulphuric acid.
-%
-There was a young man of Madras
-Whose balls were constructed of brass.
-	When jangled together
-	They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Missouri
-Who fucked with a terrible fury.
-	Till hauled into court
-	For his beastial sport,
-And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-And Sue was the name of his gal.
-	One day, north of Aden,
-	He got his hard rod in,
-And came clear up Suez Canal.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
-	Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
-	Said he, "You be buggered!
-I like to fuck slow and I shall."
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Who let a girl play with his end.
-	She took hold of Rover,
-	And felt it all over,
-And it did what she didn't intend.
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
-	"It's no use, my duck,
-	Interrupting our fuck,
-For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
-%
-There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
-Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
-	It was good for large whores,
-	And for small dinosaurs,
-And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
-%
-There was a young man of Seattle
-Who bested a bull in a battle.
-	With fire and gumption
-	He assumed the bull's function,
-And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
-	But the loyal hall porter
-	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young man of Tibet
--- And this is the strangest one yet --
-	His prick was so long,
-	And so pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
-%
-There was a young man of Toulouse
-Who had a deficient prepuce,
-	But the foreskin he lacked
-	He made up in his sac;
-The result was, his balls were too loose.
-%
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
-	Making love in a ditch
-	To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
-%
-There was a young man who appeared
-To his friends with a full growth of beard;
-	They at once said, "Although
-	We can't say why it's so,
-The effect is uncommonly weird."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man who said "God,
-I find it exceedingly odd,
-	That the willow oak tree
-	Continues to be,
-When there's no one about in the Quad."
-
-"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
-For I'm always about in the Quad;
-	And that's why the tree,
-	Continues to be,"
-Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
-%
-There was a young man with a fiddle
-Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
-	She replied, "Yes, I do,
-	But prefer to with two --
-It's twice as much fun in the middle."
-%
-There was a young man with a prick
-Which into his wife he would stick
-	Every morning and night
-	If it stood up all right --
-Not a very remarkable trick.
-
-His wife had a nice little cunt:
-It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
-	And with this she would fuck him,
-	Though sometimes she'd suck him --
-A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
-%
-There was a young man with one foot
-Who had a very long root.
-	If he used this peg
-	As an extra leg
-Is a question exceedingly moot.
-%
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
-	He lay with his feet
-	Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
-	He could stretch them and snap them,
-	And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
-%
-There was a young miss from Johore
-Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
-	In a manner uncanny
-	She'd wobble her fanny,
-And drain your nuts dry to the core.
-%
-There was a young monk from Siberia
-Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
-	Till he did to a nun
-	What shouldn't be done
-And made her a mother superia'.
-%
-There was a young monk from Tibet
-And this is the damnedest one yet
-	His cock was so long
-	And incredibly strong
-That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
-%
-There was a young monk in Siberia,
-Whose morals were very inferior,
-	He jumped on a nun
-	Which he shouldn't have done,
-And now she's a Mother Superior.
-%
-There was a young monk of Dundee
-Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
-	He said, "Pax vobiscum,
-	Now why won't the piss come?
-I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
-%
-There was a young parson of Harwich,
-Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
-	She said, "No, you young goose,
-	Just try self-abuse.
-And the other we'll try after marriage."
-%
-There was a young peasant named Gorse
-Who fell madly in love with his horse.
-	Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
-	That horse is a stallion --
-This constitutes grounds for divorce."
-%
-There was a young person of Kent
-Who was famous wherever he went.
-	All the way through a fuck,
-	He would quack like a duck,
-And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
-%
-There was a young physicist named Fisk
-Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
-	So quick was his action,
-	The Lorentz Contraction
-Shortened his rod to a disc !!
-%
-There was a young plumber named Lee
-Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
-	She said, "Stop your plumbing,
-	There's somebody coming"
-Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
-%
-There was a young poet named Dan,
-Whose poetry never would scan.
-	When told this was so,
-	He said, "Yes, I know,
-It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can."
-%
-There was a young royal marine,
-Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
-	When he reached the soprano
-	Out came only guano
-And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
-%
-There was a young sailor from Brighton
-Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
-	She replied, "'Pon my soul,
-	You're in the wrong hole
-There's plenty of room in the right'un."
-%
-There was a young sapphic named Anna
-Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
-	Which she sucked, bit by bit,
-	From her partner's warm slit,
-In the most approved lesbian manner.
-%
-There was a young soldier from Munich
-Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
-	And their chops girls would lick
-	When they thought of his prick,
-But alas! he was only a eunuch.
-%
-There was a young sportsman named Peel
-Who went for a trip on his wheel;
-	He pedalled for days
-	Through crepuscular haze,
-And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young squaw of Wohunt
-Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
-	It had many odd uses,
-	Produced no papooses,
-And fitted both giant and runt.
-%
-There was a young student from Yale
-Who was getting his first piece of tail.
-	He shoved in his pole,
-	But in the wrong hole,
-And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
-%
-There was a young trollop at Yale,
-Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
-	And on her behind,
-	For the sake of the blind,
-A duplicate version in Braille.
-%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
-	She said with a grin,
-	"If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was a young woman called Pearl
-Who quite resembled a churl;
-	When she asked a young man named Tex
-	Whether he would like to have sex,
-"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
-%
-There was a young woman from Bude,
-Who went for a swim in the nude,
-	But a man in a punt,
-	Grabbed at her elbow,
-And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
-%
-There was a young woman in Dee
-Who stayed with each man she did see.
-	When it came to a test
-	She wished to be best,
-And practice makes perfect, you see.
-%
-There was a young woman named Alice
-Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
-	She said, "I do this
-	From a great need to piss,
-And not from sectarian malice."
-%
-There was a young woman named Ells
-Who was subject to curious spells
-	When got up very oddly,
-	She'd cry out things ungodly
-by the palms in expensive hotels.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Florence
-Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
-	But they found her in bed
-	With her cunt flaming red,
-And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
-%
-There was a young woman named Plunnery
-Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
-	Till one day unobservant,
-	She blew up a servant,
-And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Sutton
-Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
-	"My father preferred
-	The last sheep in the herd --
-This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
-%
-There was a young woman of Cheadle,
-Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
-	Said she, "Does it itch?"
-	"It does, you damned bitch,
-And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
-%
-There was a young woman of Condover
-Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
-	Her pussy was juicy,
-	Her arse soft and goosey,
-But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
-%
-There was a young woman of Croft
-Who played with herself in a loft,
-	Having reasoned that candles
-	Could never cause scandals,
-Besides which they did not go soft.
-
-Said another young woman of Croft,
-Amusing herself in the loft,
-	"A salami or wurst
-	Is what I'd choose first --
-With bologna you know you've been boffed."
-%
-There was a young woman whose stammer
-Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
-	But they were not improved
-	When her husband was moved
-To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman, quite handsome,
-Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
-	When she offered much gold
-	For release, she was told
-That the view was worth more than the ransom.
-%
-There was an Old Man of the Mountain
-Who frigged himself into a fountain
-	Fifteen times had he spent,
-	Still he wasn't content,
-He simply got tired of the counting.
-%
-There was an old Scot named McTavish
-Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
-	The object of rape
-	Was the wrong sex of ape,
-And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
-%
-There was an old abbess quite shocked
-To find nuns where the candles were locked.
-	Said the abbess, "You nuns
-	Should behave more like guns,
-And never go off till you're cocked."
-%
-There was an old bishop from Buckingham
-Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
-	His wife with distain
-	Could scarcely restrain
-That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
-%
-There was an old count of Swoboda
-Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
-	So, with great savoir-faire,
-	She stood on a chair
-And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
-%
-There was an old curate of Hestion
-Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
-	But so small was his tool
-	He could scarce screw a spool,
-And a cunt was quite out of the question.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Art
-Who awoke with a horrible start,
-	For down by his rump
-	Was a generous lump
-Of what should have been just a fart.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Skinner
-Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
-	But still, by and large,
-	It would always discharge
-Once he could just get it in her.
-%
-There was an old feminine blighter
-Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
-	She would cream her own pool
-	While she sucked off his tool --
-How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
-%
-There was an old gent from Kentuck
-Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
-	But he put it away
-	For fear that one day
-He might put it in and get stuck.
-%
-There was an old girl of Kilkenny
-Whose usual charge was a penny.
-	For half of that sum
-	You could finger her bum--
-A source of amusement to many.
-%
-There was an old harlot from Dijon
-Who in her old age got religion.
-	"When I'm dead & gone,"
-	 Said she, "I'll take on
-The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
-%
-There was an old hermit named Dave
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
-	He said "I'll admit
-	I'm a bit of a shit,
-But look at the money I save."
-%
-There was an old lady of Bingly
-Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
-	I thought I had got
-	A bloke for my twat,
-But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
-%
-There was an old lady of Glascow,
-Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
-	At nine-thirty, about,
-	The lights all went out,
-Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
-%
-There was an old lady of Kewry
-Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
-	The `introitus vaginae',
-	Was unnaturally tiny,
-And the thought of it filled her with fury.
-%
-There was an old lady who lay
-With her legs wide apart in the hay,
-	Then, calling the ploughman,
-	She said, "Do it now, man!
-Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
-%
-There was an old maid from Cape Cod
-Who thought all good things came from god.
-	But it wasn't the almighty
-	Who lifted her nighty,
-It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
-%
-There was an old man from Bengal
-Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
-	His favorite trick
-	Was to stand on his dick
-While he rolled around on one ball.
-%
-There was an old man from Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
-	He fucked with his nose
-	Or his fingers and toes
-And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
-%
-There was an old man from Fort Drum
-Whose son was incredibly dumb.
-	When he urged him ahead,
-	He went down instead,
-For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
-%
-There was an old man of Alsace
-Who played the trombone with his ass.
-	He put in a trap
-	To take out the crap,
-But the vapors corroded the brass.
-%
-There was an old man of Brienz
-The length of whose cock was immense:
-	With one swerve he could plug
-	A boy's bottom in Zug,
-And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
-%
-There was an old man of Cajon
-Who never could get a good bone.
-	With the aid of a gland
-	It grew simply grand;
-Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
-%
-There was an old man of Calcutta
-Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
-	But all he could see
-	Was his wife's bare knee,
-And the back of the bloke who was up her.
-%
-There was an old man of Connaught
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
-	When he got into bed,
-	The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
-%
-There was an old man of Duddee
-Who came home as drunk as could be.
-	He wound up the clock
-	With the end of his cock,
-And buggered his wife with the key.
-%
-There was an old man of Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
-	He fucked with his nose
-	And with fingers and toes,
-And he came through a hole in his tooth.
-%
-There was an old man of Hong Kong
-Who never did anything wrong.
-	He would lie on his back
-	With his head in a sack
-And secretly finger his dong.
-%
-There was an old man of St. Bees,
-Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
-	When asked, "Does it hurt?"
-	He replied, "No, it doesn't.
-I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
-		-- W.S. Gilbert
-%
-There was an old man of Tagore
-Whose tool was a yard long or more,
-	So he wore the damn thing
-	In a surgical sling
-To keep it from wiping the floor.
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
-	When he got into bed,
-	The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old man who said, "Tush!
-My balls always hang in the brush,
-	And I fumble about,
-	Half in and half out,
-With a pecker as limber as mush."
-%
-There was an old man with a beard
-Who said, "It is just what I feared!
-	Two owls and a hen,
-	Four larks and a wren
-Have all built their nests in my beard!"
-%
-There was an old person of Ware
-Who had an affair with a bear.
-	He explained, "I don't mind,
-	For it's gentle and kind,
-But I wish it had slightly less hair."
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates
-	He fell on his cutlass
-	Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
-There was an old satyr named Mack
-Whose prick had a left handed tack.
-	If the ladies he loves
-	Don't spin when he shoves,
-Their cervixes frequently crack.
-%
-There was an old whore from Silesia
-Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
-	For a slight extra sum
-	You can go up my bum
-But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
-%
-There was an old whore in the Azores
-Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
-	Why the dogs in the street
-	Wouldn't eat the green meat
-That hung in festoons from her drawers.
-%
-There was an old woman of Ghent
-Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
-	She got fucked so often
-	At last she got rotten,
-And didn't she stink when she spent.
-%
-There was once a mechanic named Bench
-Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
-	With this vibrant device
-	He could reach, in a trice,
-The innermost parts of a wench.
-%
-There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
-	What they do to my wife--
-	Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is, they all do it well.
-%
-There were three ladies of Huxham,
-And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
-	And when that game grows stale
-	We sits on a rail,
-And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
-%
-There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
-And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
-	They lifted the frock
-	And tickled the cock
-Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
-
-Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
-He'd been to a good public school,
-	So he took down their britches
-	And buggered those bitches
-With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
-
-Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
-And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
-	"The vicar is quicker
-	And thicker and slicker,
-And longer and stronger than you."
-		-- Abuses of the Clergy
-%
-There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
-Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
-	It's deep and it's wide,
-	-- You can curl up inside
-With a nice easy chair and a book.
-%
-There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
-Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
-	But now--it's appallin'--
-	My balls always fall in!
-I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
-%
-There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
-Whose manners are odd and demanding.
-	It's one of her jests
-	To suck off her guests --
-She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
-%
-There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
-Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
-	But her cunt's got a pucker
-	That's best not to fuck, or
-When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
-%
-There's a rather odd couple in Herts
-Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
-	Their sex is in doubt
-	For they're never without
-Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
-Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
-	In the shell Sue is great,
-	But her boyfriend's irate,
-When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
-%
-There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
-By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
-	In her striving to please,
-	She serves ale on her knees,
-So the patrons get head with their draft.
-%
-There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
-Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
-	The seniors go round
-	Hanging down to the ground,
-And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
-%
-There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
-Since his shocking perversions are various...
-	He will bugger some lad
-	With a dildo (the cad!)
-While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
-%
-There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
-Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
-	When one pireg is shot,
-	There's that alternate twat,
-But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
-%
-There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
-Who insists on a dozen a night.
-	A fellow named Cheddar
-	Had the brashness to wed her-
-His chance of survival is slight.
-%
-There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
-Exceedingly hard to get onto,
-	But when you get there,
-	And have parted the hair,
-You can fuck her as much as you want to.
-%
-They had come in the fugue to the stretto
-When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
-	Slipped forward and grabbed
-	Her tresses and stabbed
-Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
-Was to do what man normally does,
-	She declared, "I'm a Soul-
-	Not a sexual goal!"
-So he shrugged and called someone who was.
-%
-Though most of the crewmen are whites,
-Uhura has full equal rights.
-	Her crewmates, you see,
-	Love De-mo-cra-cy,
-And the way that she fills out her tights.
-%
-Though the invalid Saint of Brac
-Lay all of his life on his back,
-	His wife got her share,
-	And the pilgrims now stare
-At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
-%
-To a weepy young woman in Thrums
-Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
-	Of allowing your tears
-	To fall into my ears -
-I think they have rotted the drums."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
-Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
-	He constructed a bed
-	Out of tree trunks and said,
-"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
-%
-To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
-Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
-	She replied, "Why, you fool,
-	With your limp little tool
-It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
-%
-To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
-"I trust you will show some forbearance.
-	My sexual habits
-	I picked up from rabbits,
-And occasionally watching my parents."
-%
-To his bride said economist Fife :
-"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
-	We will salvage and freeze
-	To resemble goat's cheese,
-And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
-%
-To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
-	Has the east tit the least bit
-	The best of the west tit,
-Or is it the faulty perspective?"
-%
-To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
-	Is your east tit the least bit
-	The best of your west tit,
-Or is it a trick of perspective?"
-%
-To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
-As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
-	"Your mother's behaviour
-	Gave pain to Our Saviour,
-And that's why He made you a cripple."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Two anglers were fishing off Wight
-And his bobber was dipping all night.
-	Murmured she, with a laugh,
-	"It's ready to gaff,
-But don't break your rod which is light."
-
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
-	And said, "Bother the fish!
-	I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-
-As two consular clerks in Madras
-Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
-	"What a marvelous pole,"
-	Said she, "but control
-Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
-%
-Two eager young men from Cawnpore
-Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
-	But her partition split
-	And the blood and the shit
-Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
-%
-Two roosters in one of our pens
-Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
-	As they looked at their foreskins
-	And wished they had more skins,
-They discovered they'd both become hens.
-%
-Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
-S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
-	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
-	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
-Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Under the spreading chestnut tree
-The village smith he sat,
-	Amusing himself
-	By abusing himself
-And catching the load in his hat.
-%
-Une joile epousetta a Tours
-Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
-	Mais le mari disait, "Non!
-	De trop n'est pas bon!
-Mon derriere exige du secours!"
-%
-Visas erat: huic geminarum
-Dispar modus testicularum:
-	Minor haec nihili,
-	Palma triplici,
-Jam fecerat altera clarum.
-%
-We dedicate this to the cunt,
-The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
-	All hail to the twat,
-	Willing, thrilling, and hot,
-That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
-%
-We sailed on the good ship Venus,
-My God, you should have seen us
-	With a figurehead
-	Of a whore in bed
-And the mast an upright penis
-
-The captain of the lugger
-Was known as a filthy bugger
-	Declared unfit
-	To shovel shit
-From one ship to another
-
-The first mate's name was Cooper,
-By god he was a trooper
-	He jerked and jerked
-	Until he worked
-Himself into a stupor
-
-The cabin boy was chipper,
-A dandy little nipper
-	He shoved cracked glass
-	Inside his ass
-And circumcised the skipper
-
-The captain's wife was Charlotte,
-Born and bred a harlot
-	Her thighs at night
-	Were lily white
-By morning they were scarlet
-
-The captain's youngest daughter
-Slipped into the water
-	Her plaintive squeals
-	Announced that eels
-Had found her sexual quarter
-
-The ship's dog's name was Rover,
-They turned the poor beast over
-	And ground and ground
-	That faithful hound
-From Tenerife to Dover
-%
-Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
-By all of the lads in his class
-	He said, with a yawn,
-	"Now the novelty's gone
-And it's only a pain in the ass."
-%
-When I was a baby, my penis
-Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
-	But now 'tis as red
-	As her nipples instead--
-All because of the feminine genus!
-%
-When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
-Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
-	"Was he modest or vain?"
-	"Was he regal or plain?"
-She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
-%
-When you fuck little Annie in Anza
-You get a great bossom bonanza:
-	Sucking Annie's soft tits
-	Makes her throw fifty fits,
-And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
-%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
-	She explained, "They are flat,
-	But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
-While Titian was mixing rose madder,
-His model reclined on a ladder.
-	Her position to Titian
-	Suggested coition,
-So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
-%
-While his duchess lay practically dead,
-The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
-	"Can it be this is all?
-	How puny! How small!
-Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-While out on a date in his Fiat,
-The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
-	As he bent down to seek,
-	She let out a shriek:
-"That's not where it's likely to be at."
-%
-While spending the winter at Pau
-Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
-	So the head-porter made her
-	And the second-cook laid her;
-The waiters were all hanging low.
-%
-While travelling in farthest Tibet,
-Lord Irongate found cause to regret
-	The buttered-up tea,
-	A pain in his knee,
-And the frivolous tourists he met.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Winter is here with his grouch,
-The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
-	You can't take your women
-	Canoein' or swimmin',
-But a lot can be done on a couch.
-%
-With his penis in turgid erection,
-And aimed at woman's mid-section,
-	Man looks most uncouth
-	In that Moment of Truth,
-But she sheathes it with loving affection.
-%
-You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
-But dependent on men you must be:
-	You'll need a him
-	With a rod firm and trim,
-To puggle your water-drains free!
-%
-You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
-Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
-	He buggers the choir
-	As they sing "Ave Maria,"
-And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
-%
-Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
-To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
-	If you'll come to my palace,
-	I'll finger your phallus,
-And then I shall blow on your flute."
-%
-`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
-I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
-	The ship was all white
-	But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd
deleted file mode 100644
index 84038a80..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,557 +0,0 @@
-___ /  | / /__  _/ /_  /   |/ __\ / _ |
-__ /   |/ // _\/_  _/ / ' / \_ \ / /  /
-_ / /|   // __/ / /_ / , | __/ // / ,/
- /_/ |__/_\__/__\__//___/__\__//___'
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-#netbsd - where monks recite their internal dialogue while debugging.
-		-- Bernhard Riedel
-%
-- What's up?
-- All the NetBSD servers, of course..
-		-- Gavan Fantom
-%
-A _Real_ Operating System for _Real_ Hackers.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-Anagrams for NetBSD core team:
-  Breasted cot men
-  Embraces dot net
-  Strobed teen cam
-  Aborted men sect
-  Emtomb DEC tears
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-Anagrams for NetBSD core team:
-  Crested Boatmen
-  Resented Combat
-  Boast Decrement
-  Basement DEC rot
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-Anagrams for NetBSD-core:
-  Bent Coders
-  Secret Bond
-  Robs DECNet
-  Cost Bender
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-Anagrams for NetBSD-core:
-  Cot Benders
-  Be stern, Doc.
-  Net robs DEC
-  DEC robs Net
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-I always think of NetBSD developers as special gnomes who smoke
-pipes that make big bubbles and if the bubble hits the ceiling
-before popping it gets committed and released.  Lots of lung power
-needed for this.
-		-- ggggbabybabybaby
-%
-I didn't get where I am today without using NetBSD
-		-- Dave Tyson
-%
-I held off from Uni until NetBSD came out.
-I decided, ``if there's no NetBSD then I'll just flip burgers''
-		-- Roland Dowdeswell
-%
-If it isn't possible with NetBSD, it isn't worth doing.
-		-- Petter "Nosfisk" Lindquist
-%
-My other computer runs NetBSD
-		-- Allen Briggs
-%
-NetBSD - a devil of an operating system.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - A Mycroft in every port.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - a server in every port.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - because Unix isn't just #include <linux.h>, i386, ELF, ...!
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-NetBSD - big, isn't it?
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - daemonic power
-		-- R. C. Dowdeswell
-%
-NetBSD:  Flying into the heart of the Sun.  And the i386, and alpha,
-         and mac, and powerpc, and...
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-NetBSD - free yourself from all Stallmanist thought!
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD:  Got source?
-%
-NetBSD - hackers tested, mom approved
-		-- Ken Nakata
-%
-NetBSD - here today and in the middle of 2038 tomorrow.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - love all, serve all.
-		-- Silke Mueller
-%
-NetBSD - Mach 3 stealthOS, undetectable by media radar.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - more is more.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - no propaganda in the default system, in more than 10 years!
-		-- Jaromir Dolecek
-%
-NetBSD:  No Windows or Gates, but lots of doors, portals and tunnels.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-NetBSD - penguin flesh never tasted so good.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - posix me harder.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD:  Post No Bills.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-NetBSD - safe ports in a storm.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - Scalability Does Matter.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - Serious Other, or Serious Operating system. Your choice.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the Berkeley redemption.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the cathedral versus the bizarre.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the cure.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the devil finds work for idle cycles.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the devil made me do it.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the devil's advocate.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the devil's not just in vaudeville.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the power to suave.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the power to swerve (penguins, worse than cane toads).
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD:  The Source is out there.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-NetBSD - The undiscriminated geek UNIX
-		-- Richard Rauch
-%
-NetBSD - we have nothing to declare but our benchmarks.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - we put the Net in NetBSD.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - We're not in canvas anymore, toto
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - where do you want to go Tuesday?
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - Will even run on i386
-		-- Brian Hechinger
-%
-NetBSD - your basement or mine?
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD: A drinking group with a serious computing problem.
-%
-NetBSD: A pmap for every occasion.
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD: Abandon all hype, oh ye who enter here.
-%
-NetBSD: Agnostics in the Platform Religious Wars.
-		-- Erik E. Fair
-%
-NetBSD: An Operating System For Everyone
-		-- Mike Latinovich
-%
-NetBSD: Are you old enough to run it?
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: Beyond Windows
-		-- Johan Ihren
-%
-NetBSD: CD-ROMs? We don't need no stinkin' CD-ROMs!
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: Choose Your Own Slogan
-		-- Dirk Myers
-%
-NetBSD: Compatible with the Real World.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-NetBSD: Dave Barry is working on our motto
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: demonic power.
-		-- R. C. Dowdeswell
-%
-NetBSD: Designed to be {secure, reliable, portable, CORRECT}
-		-- Matthew Orgass
-%
-NetBSD: Download one, get ${NUMPORTS}-1 for free.
-%
-NetBSD: Empowering the VAX generation.
-		-- Andy Doran
-%
-NetBSD: Everyone else is doin' it. But we're doin' it right.
-		-- Herb Peyerl
-%
-NetBSD, Feed The Computer.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Flexible and free!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: For The Network Generation
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Get Over It.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Groovy Baby!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD home page: Ultra-heavy use of blink text, hot colours, and
-       Flash plug-ins. All shockwave, all the time. Background music
-       ought to be a mixture of Phillip Glass overlaid on top of
-       Sublime.
-		-- Mason Loring Bliss
-%
-NetBSD: I Wanna Be Sedated
-		-- Curt Sampson
-%
-NetBSD: If you look through Windows
-		-- Johan Ihren
-%
-NetBSD: If your server could choose, it would choose NetBSD
-		-- Tim Rightnour
-%
-NetBSD, In Stalls Anywhere
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD is full. Go away.
-		-- Chris Baird <cjb@brushtail.apana.org.au>
-%
-NetBSD is much like a tipi:  No windows, no gates, and an apache inside.
-%
-NetBSD is PAR -- Powerful, Advanced, Reliable.  Is your OS up to PAR?
-		-- Frank Warren
-%
-NetBSD is the bomb.  (ok, bad idea)
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: It keeps on going...and going...and going...
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: It spanks the knickers off those other operating systems
-		-- Brian D Chase
-%
-NetBSD: it'll be there when you're ready for it
-		-- Greg Lehey
-%
-NetBSD: it's not free beer, but it's free
-%
-NetBSD: Its not Windows.
-		-- Paul Wain
-%
-NetBSD: It's...uh...well...have you heard of linux?
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: lets get it right
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD: Linux without the hype.
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-NetBSD: making all computer hardware a commodity.
-		-- Erik E. Fair
-%
-NetBSD: Making your net work, and its free to boot!
-		-- Steve Woodford
-%
-NetBSD: Masterly with distinction.  Striking also.
-		-- Andy Doran
-%
-NetBSD: May the Source be with you
-		-- Greg Earle
-%
-NetBSD: Microsoft ask you where you want to go, NetBSD gets you there
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD, More Nines.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Multi-platform OS
-%
-NetBSD: My Computer Runs!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: My Computer Works!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: My other computer also runs NetBSD.
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD, Net Improvement.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD, Net Profit.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD, Net Some Nines.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Network Power Unleashed.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Network Your World.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Networking Space
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: No hype required.
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD, No Worries!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Not all of the First Ones have gone away.
-%
-NetBSD. Not Guano.
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-NetBSD: Not your mother's OS (unless you are P. Seebach)
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: Oh my god! They support my hardware! You hackers!
-%
-NetBSD: Perpetual performance!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: Pink fluffy chunks or green bits - the choice is yours.
-		-- Andy Doran
-%
-NetBSD: Ports to * boards.
-		-- Steve Woodford
-%
-NetBSD: Power Your Net.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: preferred by Rocket Scientists and Moms!
-		-- Steven J. Dovich
-%
-NetBSD: priapic OS
-		-- Perry Metzger
-%
-NetBSD: Professionalpower!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: "Progress on your system is closer than it appears."
-%
-NetBSD: Raiders of the Lost Arch
-%
-NetBSD: Re: NetBSD Slogans
-		-- Mirian Crzig Lennox
-%
-NetBSD: Resistance is futile!  You will be supported.
-		-- Peter Seebach
-%
-NetBSD: Resistance is NOT futile!
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-NetBSD: Rock solid!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: Servers' choice!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: serves you right.
-		-- Herb Peyerl
-%
-NetBSD short theme, for stickers and tattoos: NetBSD... Bitchin'!
-		-- Mason Loring Bliss
-%
-NetBSD, SIMMs Like Good Code
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Someday, we won't burn your toast
-		-- Herb Peyerl
-%
-NetBSD: Stable and strong!
-		-- Lars-Johan Liman
-%
-NetBSD: Stop, Drop, and Load
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD, Tap The Power
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: The choice of hundreds worldwide
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: The Final Frontier
-		-- Chris Jones
-%
-NetBSD: The free OS with a money back guarantee!
-		-- Tim Rightnour
-%
-NetBSD: the free unix for the rest of us
-		-- Bob Nestor
-%
-NetBSD: The Last Bastion of the true UNIX Religion.
-		-- Miles Nordin
-%
-NetBSD: The OS WORM - Write Once, Run Many
-%
-NetBSD: The Power of Code
-		-- Mason Loring Bliss
-%
-NetBSD: The power to Connect
-		-- Feico Dillema
-%
-NetBSD: The power to serve, also
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: The power to serve, on the platform of your choice
-		-- John Darrow
-%
-NetBSD: the second best thing you can get for free
-%
-NetBSD: the server is up
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-NetBSD: The Worlds Most Portable Operating System
-%
-NetBSD/toaster: we wish the toaster to be happy too.
-%
-NetBSD: To serve the power.
-		-- Herb Peyerl
-%
-NetBSD: true inheritors of the UNIX(tm) legacy.
-		-- Erik E. Fair
-%
-NetBSD: Twice the Bits-Clean of other Leading OSes
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: Two guys with a vax
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: u_long uptime;
-		-- Herb Peyerl
-%
-NetBSD: unshackling hardware designers and users from the bondage
-        of WinTel.
-		-- Erik E. Fair
-%
-NetBSD: Use the ENTIRE computer!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: userland included
-%
-NetBSD: We Come In Peace.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: We come in peace. We offer reliability.
-		-- David Maxwell
-%
-NetBSD: We do it right.
-		-- Perry Metzger
-%
-NetBSD: We don't negotiate with terrorists.
-		-- Miles Nordin
-%
-NetBSD: We put the "Net" in "BSD", and took out the "Free"
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: We Stay Up.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: We Suck Less
-%
-NetBSD: We're so committed to it being free, we won't sell it to you
-        even if you ask!
-		-- Charles M. Hannum
-%
-NetBSD: What do you want to serve today?
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-NetBSD: When Linux ports to that platform, they will discover -
-        WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE
-		-- David Maxwell
-%
-NetBSD: Where do you want to have the power to serve, tomorrow?
-		-- Tom Harvey
-%
-NetBSD: Who do you Serve? And who do you Trust?
-		-- David Maxwell
-%
-NetBSD will put hair on a UNIX admin's chest
-		-- Jason R. Fink
-%
-NetBSD: Write Once, Run Everywhere. Java optional.
-		-- Todd Whitesel
-%
-NetBSD: You can't handle it.
-		-- Paul Newhouse
-%
-NetBSD: You choose the hardware, we'll bring the OS.
-		-- David Brownlee
-%
-Of course it runs NetBSD.
-%
-Portable.  Supportable.  NetBSD.
-		-- Jim Wise
-%
-Software is like sex - it should be free
-		-- Hubert Feyrer
-%
-We're BSD.  If you want System V, you know where to get it.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-Where would you have rather been today, tomorrow? NetBSD.
-		-- Allen Briggs
-%
-With many thanks to the core team and UCB CSRG.
-		-- Greywolf
-%
-Young or old; cutting edge or yesterday's NeWS, NetBSD is the UNIX for you.
-It can be a hulking monster in your basement, or fit in the palm
-of your hand.
-		-- Richard Rauch
-%
-NetBSD: Dead on Target
-		-- Gimpy
-%
-NetBSD JIHBED
-%
-It's my happy place.
-		-- zmh
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index 25f75a8d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,53 +0,0 @@
-Anagrams for NetBSD core team:
-  Strobe mased net
-  Strobe mased ten
-  Erect teen bonds
-  A boned cream test
-  Cremate no debts
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - Bits for Tits.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - Multiple Architectures lead to Multiple Orgasms.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - We put the OS in OrgaSm.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - We sell rope.
-%
-NetBSD - more ports than a Norwegian crack whore.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - the semen in the money shot.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD - we're on a mission from Hell.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD logo: Kiss-painted (w/tongue) Beastie stabbing a pitchfork
-       through a bloodied and obviously-in-horrible-pain Tux.
-		-- Mason Loring Bliss
-%
-NetBSD long theme: "Eat a queer fetus for Jesus, and run NetBSD!"
-		-- Mason Loring Bliss
-%
-NetBSD, stupid.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
-NetBSD: More Ports That A Cheap Whore
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: No Sh;t!
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: Unix With Balls.
-		-- Andrew Gillham
-%
-NetBSD: better for your uptime than Viagra.
-		-- Daniel Carosone
-%
-Never mind the bollocks, here's NetBSD.
-		-- Julian Assange
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-tips b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-tips
deleted file mode 100644
index 9ebbc204..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd-tips
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,143 +0,0 @@
-List 20 largest files (larger than 5 MB) sorted by megabytes:
-
- find / -type f -size +10000 -print0 | xargs -0 du -m | sort -nr | head -20
-%
-You can keep specific rc.conf configurations in individual files
-under /etc/rc.conf.d/ where each file is named after the $name of
-the rc.d script. Some configurations may have different names than
-the script; see the $name variable to check.
-%
-You can see the total used buffers in megabytes with:
-
- vmstat -s | awk '
-/ bytes per page$/ { bpp = $1 }
-/ cached file pages$/ { cfp = $1 }
-/ cached executable pages$/ { cep = $1 }
-END { print((cfp + cep) * bpp / 1024 / 1024); }'
-%
-You can view a value of a variable in pkgsrc by using the show-var
-target, for example:
-
- make show-var VARNAME=MAINTAINER
-%
-You can view the basic order of your rc.d scripts with:
-
- rcorder /etc/rc.d/*
-%
-You can ask questions about NetBSD at the netbsd-users@NetBSD.org
-mailing list. Be sure to clearly explain your problem, what you
-tried, what results you had, and what you expected.
-%
-You can view your non-default Postfix settings with:
-
- postconf -n
-%
-To report about installed packages with known vulnerabilities,
-fetch the latest pkg-vulnerabilities file as the superuser with:
-
- pkg_admin fetch-pkg-vulnerabilities
-
-And then run:
-
- pkg_admin audit
-%
-The following shows an example of temporarily adding 10MB more swap
-space for virtual memory:
-
- dd if=/dev/zero of=/root/swapfile bs=1024 count=10240
- chmod go= /root/swapfile
- swapctl -a /root/swapfile
-%
-If your console ever gets broken, you can try resetting it to its
-initial state with:
-
- printf "\033c"
-%
-If you installed a package, but don't know what the software is
-called or what executables to run, use pkg_info with the -L switch
-to list the package's files and search for /bin:
-
- pkg_info -L PACKAGE-NAME | grep /bin
-%
-A new user can be added by using the useradd tool with the -m switch
-to create the home directory. Then set the password. For example:
-
- useradd -m susan
- passwd susan
-%
-To modify user account information use the chpass or usermod tools.
-If you need to edit the user database directly, use the vipw command.
-%
-You can temporarily start the SSH server by running the following
-as root:
-
- /etc/rc.d/sshd onestart
-%
-Several NPF examples are available in the /usr/share/examples/npf/
-directory.
-%
-Want to dual boot using a bluetooth mouse or keyboard? Use btkey(1)
-to store the link key in the hardware.
-%
-If you are having trouble connecting to a remote bluetooth device,
-try the btconfig(8) inquiry command. The kernel will retain some
-clock offset information that may help.
-%
-You can download files via HTTP using the ftp(1) command; for example:
-
- ftp http://www.NetBSD.org/images/NetBSD.png
-%
-The mtree(8) tool can be used to check permissions, ownerships,
-file changes, and more when compared against a specification. For
-example to check directory ownership and permissions for standard
-NetBSD directories, run:
-
-  /usr/sbin/mtree -e -p / -f /etc/mtree/NetBSD.dist
-%
-If you need reminders on your console to leave, use the leave(1)
-tool. For example to receive reminders to leave in one hour:
-
-  leave +0100
-%
-To stop non-superuser logins until next boot, as root:
-
-  touch /etc/nologin
-%
-When extracting distribution tar sets, be sure to use the pax -pe
-option or the tar -p switch to preserve the user and group and file
-modes (including setuid and setgid). This is needed, for example,
-so su(1) will work after extracting the base.tgz set.
-%
-Math can be done within the sh(1) and ksh(1) shells or with expr(1),
-dc(1), bc(1), or awk(1). Here are some simple examples:
-
- echo $((431 * 79))
- expr 60 \* 60 \* 24 \* 7
-%
-You can view network connections with the fstat, netstat -a, sockstat,
-and "systat netstat" commands.
-%
-Visit the NetBSD Security website to keep track of advisories:
-  http://www.NetBSD.org/support/security/
-Or join the security-announce mailing list for alerts:
-  http://www.netbsd.org/mailinglists/#security-announce
-%
-Here's an example of finding what package a file belongs to:
-
-	pkg_info -Fe /usr/pkg/bin/inw
-%
-Many log files are checked for rotation every hour by newsyslog(8).
-It is configured in /etc/newsyslog.conf.
-%
-NetBSD's default cron jobs are defined in the /var/cron/tabs/root
-file.  As the superuser, use "crontab -l" to view it. To edit it,
-use "crontab -e" (which defaults to using the vi(1) editor).
-%
-You can make sure that your system is stable and behaves correctly by
-running the tests in /usr/tests (which come from the tests.tgz set).
-To do so:
-
-  vi /etc/atf/NetBSD.conf
-  cd /usr/tests
-  atf-run | atf-report
-%
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/fortune/datfiles/startrek
deleted file mode 100644
index 9997c224..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/startrek
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,753 +0,0 @@
-A father doesn't destroy his children.
-		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
-		   stardate 3468.1.
-%
-A little suffering is good for the soul.
-		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
-%
-A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
-licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
-		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
-her.
-		-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
-%
-A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
-his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
-		-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
-breathing.
-		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
-%
-A woman should have compassion.
-		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
-%
-Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
-		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
-after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true.
-		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
-		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
-%
-Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
-located on a natural invasion route.
-		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
-%
-Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
-		-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
-in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...
-		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
-enough to play around with that.
-		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-"Beauty is transitory."
-"Beauty survives."
-		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
-Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
-		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
-human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
-		-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
-%
-But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be
-able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
-dent in it.
-		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
-%
-"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
-jealousy, greed, hate ..."
-"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
-the other side of the coin"
-		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
-		   stardate 2712.4
-%
-Change is the essential process of all existence.
-		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
-%
-Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
-the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
-		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
-serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
-man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
-		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-Conquest is easy. Control is not.
-		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
-%
-Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
-		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
-Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.
-That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
-		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
-whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
-like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
-		-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
-%
-Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
-her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
-sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
-the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
-... and the stars are still there.
-		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
--- the living and the dying.
-		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-Each kiss is as the first.
-		-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
-		   stardate 4842.6
-%
-Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
-		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
-%
-Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
-		-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
-%
-Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
-		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
-mistakes.
-		-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
-%
-Every living thing wants to survive.
-		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
-"Or by misleading the innocent."
-		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
-		   stardate 5029.5.
-%
-Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
-		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
-%
-Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
-		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
-		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
-		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
-		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
-"It is our worship word too."
-		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
-"Today I will be brilliant."
-		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-"Get back to your stations!"
-"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
-		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
-		   stardate 3417.3
-%
-He's dead, Jim
-		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
-%
-History tends to exaggerate.
-		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion [love].
-		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
-%
-I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become
-greater than the sum of both of us.
-		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
-any question.
-		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-I object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without
-constructive purpose.
-		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
-circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
-nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
-logically needs to be done.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
-%
-"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
-and death --"
-"And make them spend it on life."
-		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
-		   stardate unknown.
-%
-I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
-they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
-it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
-		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
-		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
-%
-I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
-		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
-%
-If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
-tend to protect that child.
-		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
-		-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
-		-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
-		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
-%
-Immortality consists largely of boredom.
-		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
-vegetarians.
-		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
-%
-Insufficient facts always invite danger.
-		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
-		-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1
-%
-Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
-		-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
-%
-Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
-learning of each other?
-		-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
-		   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
-%
-Is truth not truth for all?
-		-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
-		   the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
-%
-It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
-logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
-personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
-		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
-they're attractive in some way.
-		-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
-%
-It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-It is necessary to have purpose.
-		-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
-hers.
-		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
-		-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
-%
-It would be illogical to kill without reason
-		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
-		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
-do so much harm."
-"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's what kept
-the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
-		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
-%
-Killing is stupid; useless!
-		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-Killing is wrong.
-		-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
-Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
-		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-Landru! Guide us!
-		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
-%
-Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
-		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-"Life and death are seldom logical."
-"But attaining a desired goal always is."
-		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
-%
-Live long and prosper.
-		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
-"You admit that?"
-"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
-		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
-%
-Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
-		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
-		   stardate unknown
-%
-Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
-		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
-%
-Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
-		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
-%
-Many Myths are based on truth
-		-- Spock, "The Way to Eden",  stardate 5832.3
-%
-Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
-		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-Men of peace usually are [brave].
-		-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
-		-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
-%
-Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
-		-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
-%
-Most legends have their basis in facts.
-		-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
-%
-Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
-		-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-No more blah, blah, blah!
-		-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
-%
-No one can guarantee the actions of another.
-		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
-		-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
-%
-"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
-"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
-		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
-		   stardate 5906.5.
-%
-No one wants war.
-		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-No problem is insoluble.
-		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
-%
-Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
-		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
-		-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
-		   stardate 4770.3.
-%
-Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and
-it's still the same song.
-		-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
-%
-On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it
-is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
-instead of saving it.
-		-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
-%
-One does not thank logic.
-		-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
-advice without necessarily having to take it.
-		-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
-%
-Only a fool fights in a burning house.
-		-- Kang the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it
-is only because we have no choice.
-		-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-Our way is peace.
-		-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
-		   stardate 4040.7.
-%
-Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
-		-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
-%
-Peace was the way.
-		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
-%
-Power is danger.
-		-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
-		-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
-		   stardate unknown
-%
-Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become
-insensitive.
-		-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
-%
-Respect is a rational process
-		-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
-pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
-		-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
-		   stardate 5027.3
-%
-Schshschshchsch.
-		-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
-%
-Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
-		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
-%
-Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
-		-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
-		   stardate unknown.
-%
-Star Trek Lives!
-%
-Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
-		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
-%
-Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-"That unit is a woman."
-"A mass of conflicting impulses."
-		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
-%
-"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
-"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
-		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal
-than to kill.
-		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
-pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
-		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
-		   stardate 4041.2
-%
-"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
-"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
-		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
-		   stardate 5630.8
-%
-The heart is not a logical organ.
-		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
-%
-The idea of male and female are universal constants.
-		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
-		-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
-%
-The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
-a noose.
-		-- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9
-%
-The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
-play.
-		-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
-%
-The only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with
-exactly that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
-difficult, dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves
-both sides.
-		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.  That
-the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
-destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
-deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
-		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
-%
-... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
-to know each other.
-		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
-%
-"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy.  Emotionally healthy."
-"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
-of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
-		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
-%
-The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
-		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
-%
-The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
-		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
-%
-... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
-miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
-failures and the glorious victories.
-		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
-There are always alternatives.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-There are certain things men must do to remain men.
-		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
-%
-There are some things worth dying for.
-		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
-.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
-as gods.
-		-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
-%
-There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
-%
-There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man's
-life, he is grateful.
-		-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War",
-		   stardate 4211.8.
-%
-There is an order of things in this universe.
-		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
-%
-There's a way out of any cage.
-		-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
-		   stardate unknown.
-%
-There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
-		-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is
-nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
-		-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
-life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
-		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-"There's only one kind of woman ..."
-"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't."
-		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
-%
-This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
-realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
-		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
-%
-Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
-stopped.
-		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
-		-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
-%
-To live is always desirable.
-		-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
-%
-Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
-		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
-%
-Totally illogical, there was no chance.
-		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
-be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
-		-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
-%
-Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
-		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
-%
-Virtue is a relative term.
-		-- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
-%
-Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
-		-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
-%
-Vulcans do not approve of violence.
-		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-Vulcans never bluff.
-		-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
-%
-Vulcans worship peace above all.
-		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
-%
-Wait!  You have not been prepared!
-		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
-%
-War is never imperative.
-		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-War isn't a good life, but it's life.
-		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
-beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
-can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
-to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
-kill today!
-		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for
-us.
-		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
-%
-We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
-peaceful contact.
-		-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
-%
-We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
-development.
-		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
-%
-We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
-		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
-%
-"We have the right to survive!"
-"Not by killing others."
-		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
-%
-We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
-should live.
-		-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
-%
-We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
-But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will
-be different.
-		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-"What happened to the crewman?"
-"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
-the way."
-		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
-		   stardate 4731.3.
-%
-What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
-		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
-		   stardate 3219.8
-%
-"What terrible way to die."
-"There are no good ways."
-		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
-When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
-and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
-what it was taught, thinks independently.
-		-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
-		   stardate 4731.3.
-%
-When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
-building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
-behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives
-left behind in the thought records.
-		-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
-		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
-%
-Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
-		-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
-%
-Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on
-your human intuition.
-		-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
-%
-Without followers, evil cannot spread.
-		-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
-%
-Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
-		-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
-%
-Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
-sheer horror than the male of the species.
-		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
-%
-Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
-		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
-		   stardate 1312.9.
-%
-Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
-woman.
-		-- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
-%
-Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
-woman.
-		-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
-%
-Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
-		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
-command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
-		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
-		-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But
-you imprison those who employ it privately.
-		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
-%
-You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you
-feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If
-the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
-		-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
-%
-You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You're
-welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
-		-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
-%
-You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you
-are telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything
-you say is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
-you lie.
-		-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between
-courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the
-soldiers.
-		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
-		   stardate 3201.7
-%
-You!  What PLANET is this?!
-		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
-%
-You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
-to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
-to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
-		-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
-%
-You're dead, Jim.
-		-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-You're dead, Jim.
-		-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
-%
-You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
-		-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
-%
-Youth doesn't excuse everything.
-		-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
-		   stardate 5928.5.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index 55c5124d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,86 +0,0 @@
-Adonais
-Amanda
-Apella
-Archons
-Armenia
-Atoz
-Capellan
-Catspaw
-Centurion
-Changeling
-Claudius
-Corbomite
-Corby
-Daystrom
-Deela
-Dehaver
-Elaan
-Eleen
-Eneg
-Excalbia
-Galileo
-Gorn
-Gothos
-Hag
-Hedford
-Hodin
-Kang
-Kanuto
-Kelinda
-Kelvan
-Klingon
-Klingons
-Kor
-Kras
-Landru
-Losira
-Lt
-McHuron
-Miramanee
-Miri
-Mulhall's
-Natira
-Nomad
-Nona
-Noonian
-Palamas
-Parmen
-Phillip
-Priestess
-Proconsul
-Requiem
-Rojan
-Romulan
-Sarek
-Sargon
-Schshschshchsch
-Septimus
-Singh
-Sirah
-Spectre
-Spock
-Spock's
-Stepchildren
-Sulu
-Surak
-Thalassa
-Tholian
-Tribbles
-Triskelion
-Troglytes
-Troyius
-Vanna
-Vina
-Yarnek
-Yonada
-Zefrem
-Zetar
-android
-backwash
-bacteriological
-blah
-deSalle
-oid
-stardate
-tactician
-ya
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index 769e9026..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,385 +0,0 @@
-SHUT UP HIPPY
-%
-YOU'RE ALL SHEEP
-%
-SELL ME DRUGS
-%
-TELEVISION LOVES ME
-%
-DON'T POSTPONE JOY
-%
-FUCK SLOGANS
-%
-COFFEE NOW DAMMIT
-%
-THIS WORLD IS SHIT
-%
-SMASH THE STATE
-%
-DARN THE GOV'T
-%
-WHITEY WILL PAY
-%
-MY JOB SUCKS ASS
-%
-BAD SEX SUCKS
-%
-I'M FUCKING METAL
-%
-I WORSHIP SATAN HA HA
-%
-ADULTS ARE DUMB
-%
-WE'RE DOOMED
-%
-DON'T GET CAUGHT
-%
-THE END IS NEAR
-%
-GOD IS OBSOLETE
-%
-FUCK YOU, GOD
-%
-NO MORE BULLSHIT
-%
-WARM THE GLOBE
-%
-JESUS HATES ME
-%
-FUCK WORK
-%
-DRUGS HELP ALOT
-%
-COPS SMELL FUNNY
-%
-WEIRDOS UNITE!
-%
-MICROSOFT MUST DIE
-%
-WHY DOES SCHOOL SUCK?
-%
-MY BOSS IS A JERK
-%
-JESUS JUST LEFT
-%
-REBOOT AMERICA
-%
-DESTROY CAPITALISM
-%
-I HATE THE RICH
-%
-I AM AN ANARCHIST
-%
-BOMB THE MALL
-%
-WAKE THE FUCK UP
-%
-DOPE SMOKIN' MORON
-%
-KIDS LOVE SATAN
-%
-THE SYSTEM'S FUCKED
-%
-WOMEN WILL RISE
-%
-FUCK SCHOOL
-%
-I HATE COMPUTERS
-%
-LIFE ISN'T FAIR
-%
-POLITICS ARE BORING
-%
-NO CHANGE SORRY
-%
-GOOD FOR NOTHING
-%
-RACISM IS TYPICAL
-%
-YOU'RE A SEXIST
-%
-BORED
-%
-BROKE
-%
-WAGE-SLAVE
-%
-MAKE IT STOP
-%
-FUCK ART LET'S KILL
-%
-END CIVILIZATION
-%
-CALL IN SICK
-%
-TWENTYNOTHING
-%
-GOAT-BOY
-%
-My dad's a cop too,
-couldja let me go now?
-%
-KEEP MUSIC EVIL
-%
-FUCK FAST FOOD
-%
-ORGASMS ARE GOOD
-%
-BREAK SOME LAWS
-%
-STAMP OUT REALITY
-%
-LIVE THE CHAOS
-%
-WE'RE ALL PERVERTS
-%
-UNEMPLOYABLE
-%
-LEGALIZE YOURSELF
-%
-T.V. CASUALTY
-%
-BE NOT HALF-ASSED
-%
-ANNOY THE BORING
-%
-PUNK ROCK GIRL
-%
-GOD MASTURBATES
-%
-DIE MTV DIE
-%
-I AM A POSEUR
-%
-TOUCH ME I'M SICK
-%
-ANTI-FASHION
-%
-PIGS VS. PEOPLE
-%
-NOT OF THIS EARTH
-%
-DRUGS SUCK ALOT
-%
-Sex with you would suck.
-%
-I'm killing the Earth!
-%
-I guess I was punk once.
-%
-i represent
-    GOD
- you fuck
-%
-My world is cold
-and without hope.
-%
-GIMME GIMME
-FOOD STAMPS
-%
-THIS ISN'T ME
-%
-FUCK DECAF
-%
-DEFEATED
-%
-Blow up Disneyland.
-%
-California is overrated.
-%
-UNAMERICAN
-%
-I AM CONFUSED
-%
-SEX TOYS ROCK
-%
-GO FUCKING PRAY
-%
-NATURE IS PISSED
-%
-FUGAZIFY YOURSELF
-%
-I'M IN SCENESTER HELL
-%
-RESIST DESPAIR
-%
-EVIL WILL TRIUMPH
-%
-FUCK YOUR LAME ADS
-%
-RACE MIXING IS COOL
-%
-EMBRACE VIOLENCE
-%
-AMERICAN WASTE
-%
-FUCKING HOSTILE
-%
-SEIZE LIBERTY
-%
-DESTROY WHAT
- BORES YOU
-  ON SIGHT
-%
-FUCK YEAH I'M WEIRD
-%
-FUCK CENSORSHIP
-%
-WE'RE NOT DUMB
-%
-DEMAND JUSTICE
-%
-FREAK PRIDE
-%
-CULT MEMBER
-%
-CONFORMIST
-REVOLUTION
-%
-FUCK SHIT UP
-%
-DON'T LET ME FAIL
-%
-GROOVE MATTERS
-%
-SURVIVE Y2K SOMEHOW
-%
-TAX THE RICH
-%
-MAKE YUPPIES SUFFER
-%
-GET A JOB JUNKIE
-%
-ARM THE HOMELESS
-%
-BOYCOTT GEN-X CRAP
-%
-GODLESS COMMIE SCUM
-%
-I STILL BELIEVE
-%
-SCARE THE SQUARE
-%
-I AM A BAD ASS
-%
-UNLEASH INFINITY
-%
-ESTROGEN POWER
-%
-HEDONISM NOW!
-%
-SOMEBODY DOSE ME
-%
-REAGAN WAS WORSE
-%
-children know everything
-%
-TRAITOR
-%
-SINNER
-%
-UNITY
-%
-UNDERSTAND
-%
-GO CORPORATE
-%
-You LIVE in that head?
-%
-JUST BE PURE
-%
-PIGS SHOULDN'T RULE
-%
-Go work on your website.
-%
-America eats its young.
-%
-LAUGH AT ASSHOLES
-%
-PEOPLE ARE MIRACLES
-%
-DESTINATION UNKNOWN
-%
-HEAL YOUR FUCKERS
-%
-CONSIDER SOBREITY
-%
-INHERIT THE EARTH
-%
-DROP THE ATTITUDE
-%
-ALL POLITICIANS LIE
-%
-GOTTA LOVE HOTTIES
-%
-what's stopping you?
-%
-IMPEACH 'EM ALL
-%
-HOOK ME UP BABY
-%
-i'm so fucking beautiful
-%
-SO MANY FEELINGS
-%
-QUIT BEING PASSIVE
-%
-GO BEYOND COMFORT
-%
-STOP LIVING LIKE VEAL
-%
-ask me about my pain
-%
-OVERTHROW THAT SHIT
-%
-BORN TO CHILL
-%
-Whose future is it, anyway?
-%
-This is a nation of whores.
-%
-YOUR KIDS ARE TRIPPING
-%
-FUCK ALL PREJUDICE
-%
-SHHHHHH.  LISTEN.
-%
-FIGHT FAT PHOBIA
-%
-VICTORY OVER HORSESHIT
-%
-everyone is a prostitute
-%
-DON'T STOP BELIEVING
-%
-YOU'RE BISEXUAL
-%
-MINIMIZE BAD THINGS
-%
-YOU'RE MY RELIGION
-%
-I WORSHIP YOU
-%
-MY MACINTOSH RULES
-%
-CHEER UP EMO KID
-%
-LIVE FREE OR DIE
-%
-TELEVISION IS TORTURE
-%
-BRING THAT BEAT BACK
-%
-HUG A REVOLUTIONARY
-%
-DON'T FEAR THE REAPER
-%
-SHOW ME THE WAY
-%
-I CAN MAKE YOU GOD
-%
-WOMEN TAKE OVER
-%
-SO FUCKING DEEP
-%
-WHY OBEY MORONS?
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/fortune/datfiles/zippy
deleted file mode 100644
index f0b76bb4..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/zippy
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1363 +0,0 @@
-A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!
-%
-A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
-%
-A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
-%
-A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
-with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
-%
-Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
-%
-Adopt my lifestyle or I'll have to press charges.
-%
-All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
-by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
-%
-All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
-a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know
-WHY!!
-%
-All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
-%
-All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
-%
-All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
-%
-Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
-%
-Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
-%
-Am I elected yet?
-%
-Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
-%
-Am I SHOPLIFTING?
-%
-America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into
-your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
-%
-An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
-%
-An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
-%
-An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
-%
-And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
-%
-ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
-MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
-%
-Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
-%
-Are we having fun yet?
-%
-Are we live or on tape?
-%
-Are we on STRIKE yet?
-%
-Are we THERE yet?
-%
-Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
-%
-Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
-%
-Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
-%
-Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
-%
-As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
-%
-Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
-%
-BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
-%
-Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
-But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
-%
-BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
-WAY" I've ever heard!!
-%
-Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
-%
-BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
-%
-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
-%
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
-Bo Derek ruined my life!
-%
-Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
-%
-Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
-%
-But they went to MARS around 1953!!
-%
-But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
-%
-Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
-%
-Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
-%
-Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
-%
-CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
-%
-Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
-%
-Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
-%
-Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL
-NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn
-LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
-%
-CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
-DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
-%
-Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
-TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
-%
-Could I have a drug overdose?
-%
-Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
-a MALIBU HOT TUB?
-%
-Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
-%
-Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
-%
-Did I SELL OUT yet??
-%
-Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
-%
-Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
-%
-DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
-%
-Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
-%
-Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running
-straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
-dollar!
-%
-Do I have a lifestyle yet?
-%
-Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
-%
-Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
-%
-Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
-%
-Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
-%
-Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
-%
-does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
-%
-DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
-Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
-%
-Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
-%
-Don't SANFORIZE me!!
-%
-Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
-FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
-STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
-%
-Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
-%
-Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
-%
-Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
-%
-Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
-%
-Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a
-disaster Movie!!
-%
-Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
-%
-Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
-OFFSET PRINTING?
-%
-FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
-%
-Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
-dining room.
-%
-First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So
-just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
-%
-FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
-%
-for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
-%
-Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
-gothic solarium!!
-%
-Frivolity is a stern taskmaster.
-%
-FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
-%
-FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
-%
-Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
-satellite dish PAYMENTS!
-%
-Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
-%
-Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
-%
-Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
-%
-GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
-pet LEISURE SUIT!!
-%
-HAIR TONICS, please!!
-%
-Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
-%
-Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
-today!
-%
-Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
-%
-Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's
-time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
-%
-... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
-%
-He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
-%
-He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
-like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to
-PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
-MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!
-%
-HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
-%
-HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
-%
-Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
-%
-Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
-females!!
-%
-Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
-being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
-%
-Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No
-thanks!
-%
-Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
-guess ...
-%
-Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
-bottles ...
-%
-Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
-%
-Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
-anywhere!!
-%
-Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
-%
-Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
-%
-Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
-%
-Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
-drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
-%
-Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
-TROLLEY-CAR ...
-%
-Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
-island, when ...
-%
-Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
-FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
-%
-Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
-CHLORIDE ...
-%
-Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
-%
-HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
-%
-How do I get HOME?
-%
-How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th'
-MOUSTACHE ...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
-HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
-to NANCY SINATRA!
-%
-How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
-SHARPENERS right NOW??
-%
-How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
-%
-How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
-%
-hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
-%
-HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
-%
-HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
-%
-I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
-%
-I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
-%
-I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
-%
-I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
-%
-I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
-%
-I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
-%
-I am NOT a nut....
-%
-I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
-%
-I believe in wash fulfillment.
-%
-I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
-%
-I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
-%
-I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB
-GUCCIONE has these problems!
-%
-I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
-LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
-%
-I demand IMPUNITY!
-%
-I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
-%
-I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
-just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
-more numbers!!
-%
-... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
-LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
-%
-I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
-my read molars ...
-%
-... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
-%
-I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
-%
-I feel ... JUGULAR ...
-%
-I feel better about world problems now!
-%
-I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
-%
-I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ...
-%
-I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
-%
-I feel partially hydrogenated!
-%
-I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
-"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE
-in the yard ...
-%
-I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
-%
-I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
-%
-I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
-%
-I had pancake makeup for brunch!
-%
-I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
-%
-I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
-%
-I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
-%
-I have accepted Provolone into my life!
-%
-I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
-%
-... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-%
--- I have seen the FUN --
-%
-I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
-%
-I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
-INSTRUCTIONS ...
-%
-I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
-%
-I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
-my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
-%
-I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
-every day from Oral Roberts!!
-%
-I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
-%
-I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
-live!!
-%
-I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
-%
-I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
-savings in yeast!!
-%
-I invented skydiving in 1989!
-%
-I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
-%
-I just accepted provolone into my life.
-%
-I just forgot my Social Security number.
-%
-I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
-%
-I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
-is ...
-%
-I just had a NOSE JOB!!
-%
-I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
-%
-I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
-with my LEISURE SUIT!!
-%
-I just remembered something about a TOAD!
-%
-I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
-on the SIDE?
-%
-I Know A Joke
-%
-I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
-%
-I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
-%
-I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
-%
-I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
-%
-I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
-%
-I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
-%
--- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
-now.  I fed the cat.
-%
-I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
-1965!!
-%
-I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
-SLEAZEBALLS!!
-%
-I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
-%
-I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
-%
-I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
-legislation..
-%
-I represent a sardine!!
-%
-I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
-%
-... I see TOILET SEATS ...
-%
-I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
-%
-I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
-%
-I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
-%
-I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
-%
-... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
-MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
-%
-I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
-reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
-%
-I think I'm having a mid-week crisis.
-%
-I think my career is ruined!
-%
-I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
-RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
-%
-... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
-%
-I want a mega-meal in a mega-mall.
-%
-I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
-%
-I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
-%
-I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
-%
-I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
-secure!!
-%
-... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
-SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
-%
-I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
-%
-I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
-and WHEAT THINS ...
-%
-I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
-%
-I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
-%
-I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
-%
-I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
-%
-I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
-... BACKWARDS!!
-%
-I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
-formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
-me --
-%
-I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
-%
-I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
-%
-I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
-%
-I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
-%
-I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
-%
-I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
-%
-I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
-STRANGER?
-%
-I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
-%
-I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
-%
-I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
-%
-I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
-%
-I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
-%
-I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
-%
-I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
-%
-I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
-%
-I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
-SONTAG!!
-%
-I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
-%
-I'm afraid! I need something in a heavy cream sauce.
-%
-I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
-%
-I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
-%
-I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
-%
-I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
-MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
-%
-I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
-%
-I'm definitely not in Omaha!
-%
-I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
-miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
-%
-I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
-%
-I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
-%
-I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
-%
-I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
-%
-I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
-%
-I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
-%
-I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
-%
-I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
-%
-I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
-%
-I'm having an emotional outburst!!
-%
-I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
-my PAJAMA POCKET??
-%
-I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
-wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
-%
-I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
-%
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
-of a KOSHER DELI --
-%
-I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
-%
-I'm into SOFTWARE!
-%
-I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
-PERSONAL SPACE!!
-%
-I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD
-STERLING when you really need him?
-%
-I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
-%
-I'm not available for comment..
-%
-I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
-%
-I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
-MONTALBAN!
-%
-I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
-and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
-%
-I'm rated PG-34!!
-%
-I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
-%
-I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with
-MISSILES!!
-%
-I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin
-Hustle now!
-%
-I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
-%
-I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
-... I'm VIBRATORY ...
-%
-I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
-IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
-%
-I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
-CHICKEN ...
-%
-I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
-WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
-%
-I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
-%
-I'm wet!  I'm wild!
-%
-I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
-REGIONS!
-%
-I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
-%
-I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
-%
-I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
-SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
-%
-I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
-%
-... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
-antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
-PIZZA ...
-%
-If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
-MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
-GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
-%
-If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
-houseboy ...
-%
-If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
-%
-If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
-replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
-%
-If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
-%
-If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
-%
-... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
-man!!
-%
-If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
-%
-if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
-%
-If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
-%
-If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
-Bonzo??
-%
-If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
-%
-In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
-Belt," for $10.99!!
-%
-In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
-%
-INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
-%
-Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
-%
-Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in
-Safeway?
-%
-Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG
-his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
-ESCALATOR ...
-%
-Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
-wild afternoon??
-%
-Is it clean in other dimensions?
-%
-Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
-plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
-%
-Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
-%
-Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
-%
-Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
-%
-Is this TERMINAL fun?
-%
-Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
-makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
-%
-Isn't this my STOP?!
-%
-It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
-%
-It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID
-LETTERMAN!!  YOW!!
-%
-It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
-%
-It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
-%
-It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
-in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
-FRENCH TOAST!
-%
-It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
-%
-It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
-%
-JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
-of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
-%
-Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
-%
-Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
-%
-Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
-carried too FAR!
-%
-Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
-PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
-%
-Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
-is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
-%
-LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
-%
-Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
-SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
-ASHTRAYS ...
-%
-Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
-%
-Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
-%
-Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
-%
-Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
-%
-Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
-%
-Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
-%
-Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
-HIGHBALL?? ...
-%
-Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
-card!
-%
-Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
-%
-LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
-Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
-%
-Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
-%
-Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
-cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
-%
-Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
-%
-MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
-%
-MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
-%
-Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
-shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a
-TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
-SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
-BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
-animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!!  That was GOOD!!  For DESSERT,
-I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
-WHEAT BUN!!
-%
-Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
-the INDONESIAN archipelago?
-%
-My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
-%
-My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
-FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
-%
-My boxer shorts just went on a rampage through a Long Island bowling alley.
-%
-My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
-York!!
-%
-My EARS are GONE!!
-%
-My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
-care!!!!
-%
-My haircut is totally traditional!
-%
-MY income is ALL disposable!
-%
-My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
-%
-My life is a patio of fun!
-%
-My mind is a potato field ...
-%
-My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
-%
-My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
-%
-my NOSE is NUMB!
-%
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
-My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
-%
-My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
-%
-My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
-%
-My vaseline is RUNNING...
-%
-NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
-%
-NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They
-COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
-did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
-they were OFF-KEY ...
-%
-NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
-%
-Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
-%
-Nobody brings small problems into a laundromat.
-%
-Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
-in PAIN!!!
-%
-Now I am depressed ...
-%
-Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
-BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
-%
-Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
-%
-Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
-BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
-%
-Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
-War II!
-%
-Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
-HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
-by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
-%
-Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
-%
-Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
-and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
-%
-Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
-%
-... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
-%
-Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
-%
-Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
-%
-Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
-%
-Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
-%
-Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
-DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
-%
-OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
-R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
-%
-OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
-and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
-it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
-the WASHING MACHINES?
-%
-On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
-PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
-%
-On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
-QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
-%
-On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
-POINT.
-%
-Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
-DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
-VALUES!!
-%
-Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
-statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
-completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
-amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
-finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
-snack cakes!
-%
-One FISHWICH coming up!!
-%
-ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
-	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
-TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
-THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
-%
-... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
-Tuesday?
-%
-Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
-table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
-leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
-%
-over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
-%
-OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
-REPAIR!!
-%
-PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
-%
-Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
-BOOTH!
-%
-PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
-%
-PIZZA!!
-%
-Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
-Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
-%
-Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
-%
-Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
-%
-PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
-%
-Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
-%
-Reality distorts my sense of television.
-%
-RELATIVES!!
-%
-Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
-prescription!!
-%
-Remote keyless entry, remote keyless entry, remote keyless entry!
-%
-RHAPSODY in Glue!
-%
-SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
-... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
-starring JANE FONDA!!
-%
-Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
-94140, USA
-%
-SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
-empty OIL DRUMS ...
-%
-Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
-%
-Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
-VASECTOMY??
-%
-Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
-hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
-%
-Sign my PETITION.
-%
-So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
-%
-So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
-INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
-SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
-%
-someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
-%
-Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
-%
-Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
-CHOP!!
-%
-Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
-batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
-%
-Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
-to Beaver"!
-%
-Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
-%
-TAILFINS!! ... click ...
-%
-	Talking Pinhead Blues:
-Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
-    TWENTY-SIX!!
-
-Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
-    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
-
-My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
-    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
-
-So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
-    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
-%
-TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
-Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
-%
-Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to
-Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
-%
-Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
-%
-Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
-%
-The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
-the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
-%
-The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
-and have since BIRTH!!
-%
-The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
-SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
-%
-The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
-%
-... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
-OYSTER!  Yum!
-%
-The Korean War must have been fun.
-%
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
-The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at
-dawn!!!
-%
-The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
-%
-The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS
-around 1953!!
-%
-The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
-%
-There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
-in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
-%
-There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
-%
-These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
-%
-They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
-appeal!
-%
-This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
-%
-This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
-%
-This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
-against someone's MARTINI!!
-%
-... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
-%
-This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
-%
-This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
-%
-This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is
-talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
-%
-Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
-SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
-%
-Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
-aesthetic modules --
-%
-Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
-before his MAKEOVER!
-%
-Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
-Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
-%
-TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
-%
-Treasure your spin cycle.
-%
-Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
-frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
-%
-Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
-%
-UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
-mistake!!!
-%
-UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
-NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
-%
-Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
-%
-UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
-%
-Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
-%
-VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
-%
-Virtual reality isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
-TAX-DEFERRED!
-%
-Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
-Junction??
-%
-Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
-%
-We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
-tub ...
-%
-We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
-%
-We just joined the civil hair patrol!
-%
-We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
-45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
-%
-Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I
-HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ...
-EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
-%
-Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to
-VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
-%
-Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
-ROOM ...
-%
-Well, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
-DESPAIR!
-%
-Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
-%
-What a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
-%
-What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
-%
-What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
-%
-What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
-%
-What PROGRAM are they watching?
-%
-What UNIVERSE is this, please??
-%
-What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
-%
-When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
-DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...
-%
-When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
-%
-When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
-%
-When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
-BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
-and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
-%
-Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
-%
-Where does it go when you flush?
-%
-Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
-%
-Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
-%
-Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
-%
-While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
-priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
-%
-While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
-will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
-%
-WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
-%
-WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the
-NEGATIVE IONS!!
-%
-Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
-%
-Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your
-own ZIPCODE?
-%
-Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
-%
-Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
-CENTER with you??
-%
-Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
-%
-Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
-%
-Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
-%
-With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
-%
-World War III?  No thanks!
-%
-World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
-dress code!
-%
-Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
-%
-Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
-%
-Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
-MAIDEN concert?
-%
-You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
-%
-You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
-distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
-%
-You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
-%
-YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
-%
-You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
-CAREER!!
-%
-You were s'posed to laugh!
-%
-YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
-DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
-%
-Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
-%
-Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
-attitudes!
-%
-Yow!
-%
-Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
-%
-Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?
-%
-Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
-%
-Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
-%
-Yow!  Are we wet yet?
-%
-Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
-%
-Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
-%
-Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
-%
-Yow!  I threw up on my window!
-%
-Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
-%
-Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
-%
-Yow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
-mill!
-%
-Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
-%
-Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
-%
-Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
-%
-Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
-%
-Yow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!
-%
-Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
-%
-Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
-BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
-%
-Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
-%
-Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
-%
-Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
-%
-YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
-%
-YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
-%
-YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
-laws!!
-%
-YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
-%
-YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
-%
-YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of
-CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
-%
-YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
-%
-Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index 08a5885b..00000000
--- a/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,210 +0,0 @@
-ANAL
-ASEXUAL
-Astro
-B.C
-BANKHEAD
-BI
-BIO
-BORSCHT
-BRAINPAN
-BURRITO
-BURRITOS
-Barbie
-Bo
-Bonzo
-CARCRASH
-CASIO
-CHAINSAWS
-CHIVAS
-COM
-CORDOVANS
-COSELL
-CROATIAN
-Carlsbad
-Clift
-Cosell
-Cupcake
-DAIQUIRI
-DELI
-DIDI
-DISCO
-DISNEYWORLD
-DONUT
-DOUGHBOY
-Darvon
-Di
-Disco
-Donnie
-EDSELS
-EMOTE
-EUBIE
-Enema
-FALAFEL
-FISHNET
-FISHWICH
-FLEMMING
-FLOATATION
-FROLICSOME
-Feinstein
-GOLDIE
-GORRY
-GUCCIONE
-GUIDELIGHT
-Gibble
-Ginzberg
-HAIRPIECE
-HAWN
-HAYWORTH
-HITCHHIKING
-HOAX
-HOUSECAT
-Hmmm
-I.Q
-INTESTINAL
-Iranian
-JELL
-JELLO
-JILLIAN'S
-JULIENNED
-Jodie
-KATRINKA
-KNOCKWURST
-LBJ
-LING
-LONI
-LUGOSI
-Loni
-Lycra
-MALIBU
-MCMAHON
-MELBA
-MERYL
-MMM
-MOGULS
-MONTALBAN'S
-MOUSSE
-MSG
-MT
-MTV
-MYSTERIANS
-Macy's
-Meese
-Monkees
-NABOBS
-NAGEELA
-NEBULATION
-NICKLES
-NUTRA
-Niro
-OLFACTORY
-OMNIVERSAL
-OVULAR
-Osmond
-Osmonds
-PAISLEY
-PASTA
-PG
-Pharoahs
-Provolone
-R.V.'S
-RAPHAELITE
-RICARDO
-RITA
-Rom
-Roni
-SAGAN
-SANFORIZE
-SCHROON
-SCIENTOLOGIST
-SERBO
-SHOPLIFT
-SINATRA
-SKEE
-SODOMIZE
-SONTAG
-STREEP
-Safeway
-Slezak
-Spandex
-T.V
-TACO
-TAILFINS
-TALLULAH
-TINA
-TRANSSEXUAL
-TRYNEL
-Tenafly
-Tex
-Th
-Tylenol
-Uh
-VASELINE
-VELVEETA
-WESSON
-YEH
-YUBBA
-Yum
-ZIPPY
-Zippy
-Zippy's
-barbequeued
-chr
-co
-cranial
-creme
-devalue
-disco
-donut
-donuts
-dusenjet
-einem
-einige
-frolicking
-fuschia
-gladiatoren
-gothic
-graphisticator
-hors
-houseboy
-ich
-im
-jahr
-kidnapped
-lande
-laundromat
-laundromats
-lesbian
-li'l
-manicurist
-matic
-meatball
-meltdown
-naugahide
-obstetrician
-poindexter
-pre
-psilocybin
-quaaludes
-quadrophonic
-rieche
-s'posed
-scientology
-skintight
-skydiving
-solarium
-spielen
-telex
-th
-th'HOLIDAY
-th'MAMBO
-th'RAIN
-th'WRENCH
-th'cute
-thru
-thumbtack
-uh
-um
-urinate
-vaseline
-vor
-zzzzzzzzz
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/Makefile b/fortune/fortune/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index 094adf4e..00000000
--- a/fortune/fortune/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,9 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.12 2009/08/27 03:12:16 dholland Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-PROG=		fortune
-MAN=		fortune.6
-CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
-
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 b/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
deleted file mode 100644
index de371d4d..00000000
--- a/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,175 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: fortune.6,v 1.17 2019/07/23 11:02:29 uwe Exp $
-.\"
-.\" Copyright (c) 1985, 1991, 1993
-.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
-.\" Ken Arnold.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\"    without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\"	@(#)fortune.6	8.3 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
-.\"
-.Dd July 22, 2019
-.Dt FORTUNE 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm fortune
-.Nd print a random, hopefully interesting, adage
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl aefilosw
-.Op Fl m Ar pattern
-.Oo
-.Op Ar N\^ Ns Cm \&%
-.Ar file\| Ns / Ns Ar dir\| Ns / Ns Cm \^all
-.Oc
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-When
-.Nm
-is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram.
-Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category
-is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those
-which are not.
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width ".Fl XXX"
-.It Fl a
-Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not.
-(See the
-.Fl o
-option for more information on offensive fortunes.)
-.It Fl e
-Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below
-on multiple files).
-.It Fl f
-Print out the list of files which would be searched, but don't
-print a fortune.
-.It Fl i
-Ignore case for
-.Fl m
-patterns.
-.It Fl l
-Long dictums only.
-.It Fl m Ar pattern
-Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression
-.Ar pattern .
-See
-.Xr regex 3
-for a description of patterns.
-.It Fl o
-Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms.
-.Bf -symbolic
-Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and
-only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing
-to be offended.
-(And that if you are, you'll just quit using
-.Fl o
-rather than give us grief about it, okay?)
-.Ef
-.Bd -filled -offset indent
-\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy
-of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words:
-we believe in healthy, hearty laughter \(em at the expense of
-the whole human race, if needs be.
-Needs be.
-.Ed
-.Bd -filled -offset indent-two -compact
-\(em H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
-.Ed
-.It Fl s
-Short apothegms only.
-.It Fl w
-Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the
-number of characters in the message.
-This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
-to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared.
-.El
-.Pp
-The user may specify alternative sayings.
-You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or
-more files, or the special word
-.Cm all ,
-which says to use all the standard databases.
-Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number
-.Ar N
-between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
-.Ql %
-character.
-If it is, there will be an
-.Ar N
-percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file
-or directory.
-If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications
-without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files
-and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from
-one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
-.Pp
-As an example, given two databases
-.Ar funny
-and
-.Ar not-funny ,
-with
-.Ar funny
-twice as big, saying
-.Pp
-.Dl $ fortune funny not-funny
-.Pp
-will get you fortunes out of
-.Ar funny
-two-thirds of the time.
-The command
-.Pp
-.Dl $ fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny
-.Pp
-will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
-.Ar funny
-(the
-.Ql 10%
-is unnecessary, since 10% is all that's left).
-The
-.Fl e
-option says to consider all files equal; thus
-.Pp
-.Dl $ fortune -e
-.Pp
-is equivalent to
-.Pp
-.Dl $ fortune 50% funny 50% not-funny
-.Pp
-Datafiles for
-.Nm
-are created by the
-.Xr strfile 8
-utility.
-.Sh FILES
-.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/XXXX" -compact
-.It Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*
-Fortune files.
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr regex 3 ,
-.Xr random 6 ,
-.Xr rot13 6 ,
-.Xr strfile 8
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/fortune.c b/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
deleted file mode 100644
index 05783951..00000000
--- a/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1353 +0,0 @@
-/*	$NetBSD: fortune.c,v 1.65 2020/07/21 03:05:40 nia Exp $	*/
-
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1986, 1993
- *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- *    without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-#ifndef lint
-__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1986, 1993\
- The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.");
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#else
-__RCSID("$NetBSD: fortune.c,v 1.65 2020/07/21 03:05:40 nia Exp $");
-#endif
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#include <sys/param.h>
-#include <sys/stat.h>
-#include <sys/time.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
-
-#include <dirent.h>
-#include <fcntl.h>
-#include <assert.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <time.h>
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-#include <regex.h>
-#endif
-
-#include "strfile.h"
-#include "pathnames.h"
-
-#define TRUE	1
-#define FALSE	0
-#define bool	short
-
-#define MINW	6		/* minimum wait if desired */
-#define CPERS	20		/* # of chars for each sec */
-#define SLEN	160		/* # of chars in short fortune */
-
-#define POS_UNKNOWN	((off_t) -1)	/* pos for file unknown */
-#define NO_PROB		(-1)		/* no prob specified for file */
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
-#define DPRINTF(l,x)	if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; else
-#undef NDEBUG
-#else
-#define DPRINTF(l,x)
-#define NDEBUG		1
-#endif
-
-typedef struct fd {
-	int		percent;
-	int		fd, datfd;
-	off_t		pos;
-	FILE		*inf;
-	const char	*name;
-	const char	*path;
-	char		*datfile, *posfile;
-	bool		read_tbl;
-	bool		was_pos_file;
-	STRFILE		tbl;
-	int		num_children;
-	struct fd	*child, *parent;
-	struct fd	*next, *prev;
-} FILEDESC;
-
-static bool Found_one;			/* did we find a match? */
-static bool Find_files	= FALSE;	/* just find a list of proper fortune files */
-static bool Wait	= FALSE;	/* wait desired after fortune */
-static bool Short_only	= FALSE;	/* short fortune desired */
-static bool Long_only	= FALSE;	/* long fortune desired */
-static bool Offend	= FALSE;	/* offensive fortunes only */
-static bool All_forts	= FALSE;	/* any fortune allowed */
-static bool Equal_probs	= FALSE;	/* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-struct re {
-	bool valid;
-	regex_t regex;
-};
-
-static bool Match	= FALSE;	/* dump fortunes matching a pattern */
-struct re Re_pat;
-struct re Re_pat13;
-static struct re *Re_use = NULL;
-#endif
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
-static bool Debug = FALSE;		/* print debug messages */
-#endif
-
-static char *Fortbuf = NULL;		/* fortune buffer for -m */
-
-static size_t Fort_len = 0;
-
-static off_t Seekpts[2];		/* seek pointers to fortunes */
-
-static FILEDESC *File_list = NULL,	/* Head of file list */
-		*File_tail = NULL;	/* Tail of file list */
-static FILEDESC *Fortfile;		/* Fortune file to use */
-
-static STRFILE Noprob_tbl;		/* sum of data for all no prob files */
-
-static int add_dir(FILEDESC *);
-static int add_file(int,
-	    const char *, const char *, FILEDESC **, FILEDESC **, FILEDESC *);
-static void all_forts(FILEDESC *, const char *);
-static char *copy(const char *, size_t);
-static void rot13(char *line, int len);
-static void display(FILEDESC *);
-static void do_free(void *);
-static void *do_malloc(size_t);
-static int form_file_list(char **, int);
-static size_t fortlen(void);
-static void get_fort(void);
-static void get_pos(FILEDESC *);
-static void get_tbl(FILEDESC *);
-static void getargs(int, char *[]);
-static void init_prob(void);
-static int is_dir(const char *);
-static int is_fortfile(const char *, char **, char **, int);
-static int is_off_name(const char *);
-static int max(int, int);
-static FILEDESC *new_fp(void);
-static char *off_name(const char *);
-static void open_dat(FILEDESC *);
-static void open_fp(FILEDESC *);
-static FILEDESC *pick_child(FILEDESC *);
-static void print_file_list(void);
-static void print_list(FILEDESC *, int);
-static void sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *);
-static void sum_tbl(STRFILE *, STRFILE *);
-static void usage(void) __dead;
-static void zero_tbl(STRFILE *);
-
-int main(int, char *[]);
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-static void re_setup(struct re *rx, const char *pattern, bool ignore_case);
-static void re_cleanup(struct re *rx);
-static int find_matches(void);
-static void matches_in_list(FILEDESC *);
-static size_t maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *);
-#endif
-
-#ifndef NAMLEN
-#define		NAMLEN(d)	((d)->d_namlen)
-#endif
-
-int
-main(int ac, char *av[])
-{
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	int fd;
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-
-	getargs(ac, av);
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-	if (Match)
-		exit(find_matches() != 0);
-#endif
-
-	init_prob();
-	do {
-		get_fort();
-	} while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) ||
-		 (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN));
-
-	display(Fortfile);
-
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0)
-		err(1, "Can't create `%s'", Fortfile->posfile);
-#ifdef LOCK_EX
-	/*
-	 * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very
-	 * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking
-	 * available.
-	 */
-	(void) flock(fd, LOCK_EX);
-#endif /* LOCK_EX */
-	write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos);
-	if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file)
-		(void) chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666);
-#ifdef LOCK_EX
-	(void) flock(fd, LOCK_UN);
-#endif /* LOCK_EX */
-	close(fd);
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-	if (Wait) {
-		if (Fort_len == 0)
-			(void) fortlen();
-		sleep(max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW));
-	}
-	return(0);
-}
-
-static void
-rot13(char *line, int len)
-{
-	char *p, ch;
-
-	if (len == 0)
-		len = strlen(line);
-
-	for (p = line; (ch = *p) != 0; ++p)
-		if (isupper((unsigned char)ch))
-			*p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
-		else if (islower((unsigned char)ch))
-			*p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
-}
-
-static void
-display(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	char line[BUFSIZ];
-
-	open_fp(fp);
-	(void) fseek(fp->inf, (long)Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
-	for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL &&
-	    !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) {
-		if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
-			rot13(line, 0);
-		fputs(line, stdout);
-	}
-	(void) fflush(stdout);
-}
-
-/*
- * fortlen:
- *	Return the length of the fortune.
- */
-static size_t
-fortlen(void)
-{
-	size_t nchar;
-	char line[BUFSIZ];
-
-	if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED)))
-		nchar = Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0];
-	else {
-		open_fp(Fortfile);
-		(void) fseek(Fortfile->inf, (long)Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
-		nchar = 0;
-		while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL &&
-		       !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl))
-			nchar += strlen(line);
-	}
-	Fort_len = nchar;
-	return nchar;
-}
-
-/*
- *	This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
- */
-static void
-getargs(int argc, char **argv)
-{
-	int ignore_case;
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-	char *pat = NULL;
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-	int ch;
-
-	ignore_case = FALSE;
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
-	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != -1)
-#else
-	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != -1)
-#endif /* DEBUG */
-		switch(ch) {
-		case 'a':		/* any fortune */
-			All_forts++;
-			break;
-#ifdef DEBUG
-		case 'D':
-			Debug++;
-			break;
-#endif /* DEBUG */
-		case 'e':
-			Equal_probs++;	/* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
-			break;
-		case 'f':		/* find fortune files */
-			Find_files++;
-			break;
-		case 'l':		/* long ones only */
-			Long_only++;
-			Short_only = FALSE;
-			break;
-		case 'o':		/* offensive ones only */
-			Offend++;
-			break;
-		case 's':		/* short ones only */
-			Short_only++;
-			Long_only = FALSE;
-			break;
-		case 'w':		/* give time to read */
-			Wait++;
-			break;
-#ifdef NO_REGEX
-		case 'i':			/* case-insensitive match */
-		case 'm':			/* dump out the fortunes */
-			errx(1, "Can't match fortunes on this system (Sorry)");
-#else /* NO_REGEX */
-		case 'm':			/* dump out the fortunes */
-			Match++;
-			pat = optarg;
-			break;
-		case 'i':			/* case-insensitive match */
-			ignore_case++;
-			break;
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-		case '?':
-		default:
-			usage();
-		}
-	argc -= optind;
-	argv += optind;
-
-	if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
-		exit(1);	/* errors printed through form_file_list() */
-#ifdef DEBUG
-	if (Debug >= 1)
-		print_file_list();
-#endif /* DEBUG */
-	if (Find_files) {
-		print_file_list();
-		exit(0);
-	}
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-	if (pat != NULL) {
-		re_setup(&Re_pat, pat, ignore_case);
-		rot13(pat, 0);
-		re_setup(&Re_pat13, pat, ignore_case);
-	}
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-}
-
-/*
- * form_file_list:
- *	Form the file list from the file specifications.
- */
-static int
-form_file_list(char **files, int file_cnt)
-{
-	int i, percent;
-	const char *sp;
-
-	if (file_cnt == 0) {
-		if (All_forts)
-			return add_file(NO_PROB, FORTDIR, NULL, &File_list,
-					&File_tail, NULL);
-		else
-			return add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", FORTDIR,
-					&File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
-	}
-	for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) {
-		percent = NO_PROB;
-		if (!isdigit((unsigned char)files[i][0]))
-			sp = files[i];
-		else {
-			percent = 0;
-			for (sp = files[i]; isdigit((unsigned char)*sp); sp++)
-				percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0';
-			if (percent > 100) {
-				warnx("Percentages must be <= 100");
-				return FALSE;
-			}
-			if (*sp == '.') {
-				warnx("Percentages must be integers");
-				return FALSE;
-			}
-			/*
-			 * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then
-			 * it was not a percentage, just the first part
-			 * of a file name which starts with digits.
-			 */
-			if (*sp != '%') {
-				percent = NO_PROB;
-				sp = files[i];
-			}
-			else if (*++sp == '\0') {
-				if (++i >= file_cnt) {
-					warnx("Percentages must precede files");
-					return FALSE;
-				}
-				sp = files[i];
-			}
-		}
-		if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0)
-			sp = FORTDIR;
-		if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list, &File_tail, NULL))
-			return FALSE;
-	}
-	return TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * add_file:
- *	Add a file to the file list.
- */
-static int
-add_file(int percent, const char *file, const char *dir,
-	 FILEDESC **head, FILEDESC **tail, FILEDESC *parent)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-	int fd;
-	const char *path;
-	char *tpath, *offensive, *tfile = strdup(file), *tf;
-	bool isdir;
-
-	if (dir == NULL) {
-		path = tfile;
-		tpath = NULL;
-	}
-	else {
-		tpath = do_malloc(strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2);
-		(void) strcat(strcat(strcpy(tpath, dir), "/"), file);
-		path = tpath;
-	}
-	if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) {
-		if (tpath)
-			free(tpath);
-		free(tfile);
-		return FALSE;	/* don't recurse */
-	}
-	offensive = NULL;
-	if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) &&
-	    !is_off_name(path)) {
-		offensive = off_name(path);
-		if (Offend) {
-			if (tpath) {
-				free(tpath);
-				tpath = NULL;
-			}
-			path = offensive;
-			tf = off_name(tfile);
-			free(tfile);
-			tfile = tf;
-		}
-	}
-
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path));
-over:
-	if ((fd = open(path, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
-		/*
-		 * This is a sneak.  If the user said -a, and if the
-		 * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if
-		 * there is a -o version.  If there is, we treat it as
-		 * if *that* were the file given.  We only do this for
-		 * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory,
-		 * we'll pick up the -o file anyway.
-		 */
-		if (All_forts && offensive != NULL && path != offensive) {
-			path = offensive;
-			if (tpath) {
-				free(tpath);
-				tpath = NULL;
-			}
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", tfile));
-			tf = off_name(tfile);
-			free(tfile);
-			tfile = tf;
-			goto over;
-		}
-		if (dir == NULL && tfile[0] != '/') {
-			int n = add_file(percent, tfile, FORTDIR, head, tail,
-					parent);
-			free(tfile);
-			if (offensive)
-				free(offensive);
-			return n;
-		}
-		if (parent == NULL)
-			warn("Cannot open `%s'", path);
-		if (tpath) {
-			free(tpath);
-			tpath = NULL;
-		}
-		free(tfile);
-		if (offensive)
-			free(offensive);
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-
-	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path));
-
-	fp = new_fp();
-	fp->fd = fd;
-	fp->percent = percent;
-	fp->name = tfile;
-	fp->path = path;
-	fp->parent = parent;
-
-	if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) ||
-	    (!isdir &&
-	     !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL))))
-	{
-		if (parent == NULL)
-			warnx("`%s' not a fortune file or directory", path);
-		if (tpath) {
-			free(tpath);
-			tpath = NULL;
-		}
-		do_free(fp->datfile);
-		do_free(fp->posfile);
-		free(fp);
-		do_free(offensive);
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-	/*
-	 * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to
-	 * both files, if there are two.  We don't need to do this if
-	 * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the
-	 * -o file anyway.
-	 */
-	if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path) && offensive)
-		all_forts(fp, offensive);
-	if (*head == NULL)
-		*head = *tail = fp;
-	else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
-		(*tail)->next = fp;
-		fp->prev = *tail;
-		*tail = fp;
-	}
-	else {
-		(*head)->prev = fp;
-		fp->next = *head;
-		*head = fp;
-	}
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-
-	return TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * new_fp:
- *	Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC.
- */
-static FILEDESC *
-new_fp(void)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-
-	fp = do_malloc(sizeof *fp);
-	fp->datfd = -1;
-	fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN;
-	fp->inf = NULL;
-	fp->fd = -1;
-	fp->percent = NO_PROB;
-	fp->read_tbl = FALSE;
-	fp->next = NULL;
-	fp->prev = NULL;
-	fp->child = NULL;
-	fp->parent = NULL;
-	fp->datfile = NULL;
-	fp->posfile = NULL;
-	return fp;
-}
-
-/*
- * off_name:
- *	Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name.
- */
-static char *
-off_name(const char *file)
-{
-	char *new;
-
-	new = copy(file, strlen(file) + 2);
-	return strcat(new, "-o");
-}
-
-/*
- * is_off_name:
- *	Is the file an offensive-style name?
- */
-static int
-is_off_name(const char *file)
-{
-	int len;
-
-	len = strlen(file);
-	return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o');
-}
-
-/*
- * all_forts:
- *	Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if
- *	there are two children to be a parent of.
- */
-static void
-all_forts(FILEDESC *fp, const char *offensive)
-{
-	char *sp;
-	FILEDESC *scene, *obscene;
-	int fd;
-	char *datfile, *posfile;
-
-	posfile = NULL;
-
-	if (fp->child != NULL)	/* this is a directory, not a file */
-		return;
-	if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE))
-		return;
-	if ((fd = open(offensive, O_RDONLY)) < 0)
-		return;
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive));
-	scene = new_fp();
-	obscene = new_fp();
-	*scene = *fp;
-
-	fp->num_children = 2;
-	fp->child = scene;
-	scene->next = obscene;
-	obscene->next = NULL;
-	scene->child = obscene->child = NULL;
-	scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp;
-
-	fp->fd = -1;
-	scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB;
-
-	obscene->fd = fd;
-	obscene->inf = NULL;
-	obscene->path = offensive;
-	if ((sp = rindex(offensive, '/')) == NULL)
-		obscene->name = offensive;
-	else
-		obscene->name = ++sp;
-	obscene->datfile = datfile;
-	obscene->posfile = posfile;
-	obscene->read_tbl = FALSE;
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-}
-
-/*
- * add_dir:
- *	Add the contents of an entire directory.
- */
-static int
-add_dir(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	DIR *dir;
-	struct dirent *dirent;
-	FILEDESC *tailp;
-	char *name;
-
-	(void) close(fp->fd);
-	fp->fd = -1;
-	if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) {
-		warn("Cannot open `%s'", fp->path);
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-	tailp = NULL;
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path));
-	fp->num_children = 0;
-	while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) {
-		if (NAMLEN(dirent) == 0)
-			continue;
-		name = copy(dirent->d_name, NAMLEN(dirent));
-		if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp))
-			fp->num_children++;
-		else
-			free(name);
-	}
-	(void) closedir(dir);
-	if (fp->num_children == 0) {
-		warnx("`%s': No fortune files in directory.", fp->path);
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-	return TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * is_dir:
- *	Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise.
- */
-static int
-is_dir(const char *file)
-{
-	struct stat sbuf;
-
-	if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0)
-		return FALSE;
-	return (S_ISDIR(sbuf.st_mode));
-}
-
-/*
- * is_fortfile:
- *	Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file.  We try and
- *	exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid
- *	overhead.  Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal"
- *	suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out.
- */
-/* ARGSUSED */
-static int
-is_fortfile(const char *file, char **datp, char **posp, int check_for_offend)
-{
-	int i;
-	const char *sp;
-	char *datfile;
-	static const char *const suflist[] = {
-		/* list of "illegal" suffixes" */
-		"dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f",
-		"pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas",
-		"ins.ftn", "sml",
-		NULL
-	};
-
-	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file));
-
-	/*
-	 * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o
-	 * files for completely offensive people.
-	 */
-	if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) {
-		i = strlen(file);
-		if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o'))
-			return FALSE;
-	}
-
-	if ((sp = rindex(file, '/')) == NULL)
-		sp = file;
-	else
-		sp++;
-	if (*sp == '.') {
-		DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n"));
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-	if ((sp = rindex(sp, '.')) != NULL) {
-		sp++;
-		for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++)
-			if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) {
-				DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp));
-				return FALSE;
-			}
-	}
-
-	datfile = copy(file, strlen(file) + 4); /* +4 for ".dat" */
-	strcat(datfile, ".dat");
-	if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) {
-		free(datfile);
-		DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no \".dat\" file)\n"));
-		return FALSE;
-	}
-	if (datp != NULL)
-		*datp = datfile;
-	else
-		free(datfile);
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	if (posp != NULL) {
-		*posp = copy(file, strlen(file) + 4); /* +4 for ".dat" */
-		(void) strcat(*posp, ".pos");
-	}
-#else
-	if (posp != NULL) {
-		*posp = NULL;
-	}
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n"));
-	return TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * copy:
- *	Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string
- */
-static char *
-copy(const char *str, size_t len)
-{
-	char *new, *sp;
-
-	new = do_malloc(len + 1);
-	sp = new;
-	do {
-		*sp++ = *str;
-	} while (*str++);
-	return new;
-}
-
-/*
- * do_malloc:
- *	Do a malloc, checking for NULL return.
- */
-static void *
-do_malloc(size_t size)
-{
-	void *new;
-
-	if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL)
-		err(1, NULL);
-	return new;
-}
-
-/*
- * do_free:
- *	Free malloc'ed space, if any.
- */
-static void
-do_free(void *ptr)
-{
-	if (ptr != NULL)
-		free(ptr);
-}
-
-/*
- * init_prob:
- *	Initialize the fortune probabilities.
- */
-static void
-init_prob(void)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp, *last;
-	int percent, num_noprob, frac;
-
-	last = NULL;
-	/*
-	 * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all
-	 * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0)
-	 * (if any).
-	 */
-
-	percent = 0;
-	num_noprob = 0;
-	for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev)
-		if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
-			num_noprob++;
-			if (Equal_probs)
-				last = fp;
-		} else
-			percent += fp->percent;
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's",
-		    percent, num_noprob));
-	if (percent > 100)
-		errx(1, "Probabilities sum to %d%%!", percent);
-	else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0)
-		errx(1, "No place to put residual probability (%d%%)",
-		    100 - percent);
-	else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0)
-		errx(1, "No probability left to put in residual files");
-	percent = 100 - percent;
-	if (Equal_probs) {
-		if (num_noprob != 0) {
-			if (num_noprob > 1) {
-				frac = percent / num_noprob;
-				DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac));
-				for (fp = File_tail; fp != last; fp = fp->prev)
-					if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
-						fp->percent = frac;
-						percent -= frac;
-					}
-			}
-			last->percent = percent;
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent));
-		}
-	} else {
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
-			    ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n",
-			    percent));
-	}
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n"));
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
-	if (Debug >= 1)
-		print_file_list();
-#endif
-}
-
-/*
- * get_fort:
- *	Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune.
- */
-static void
-get_fort(void)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-	int choice;
-
-	if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB)
-		fp = File_list;
-	else {
-		choice = arc4random_uniform(100);
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice));
-		for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next)
-			if (choice < fp->percent)
-				break;
-			else {
-				choice -= fp->percent;
-				DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
-					    "    skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
-					    fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
-			}
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
-				    "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
-				    fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
-	}
-	if (fp->percent != NO_PROB)
-		get_tbl(fp);
-	else {
-		if (fp->next != NULL) {
-			sum_noprobs(fp);
-			choice = arc4random_uniform(Noprob_tbl.str_numstr);
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %d) \n", choice,
-				    Noprob_tbl.str_numstr));
-			while ((u_int32_t)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) {
-				choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
-				fp = fp->next;
-				DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
-					    "    skip \"%s\", %d (choice = %d)\n",
-					    fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr,
-					    choice));
-			}
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %d\n", fp->name,
-				    fp->tbl.str_numstr));
-		}
-		get_tbl(fp);
-	}
-	if (fp->child != NULL) {
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n"));
-		fp = pick_child(fp);
-	}
-	Fortfile = fp;
-	get_pos(fp);
-	open_dat(fp);
-	(void) lseek(fp->datfd,
-		     (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), SEEK_SET);
-	read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts);
-	BE64TOH(Seekpts[0]);
-	BE64TOH(Seekpts[1]);
-}
-
-/*
- * pick_child
- *	Pick a child from a chosen parent.
- */
-static FILEDESC *
-pick_child(FILEDESC *parent)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-	int  choice;
-
-	if (Equal_probs) {
-		choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->num_children);
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    choice = %d (of %d)\n",
-			    choice, parent->num_children));
-		for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next)
-			continue;
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    using %s\n", fp->name));
-		return fp;
-	}
-	else {
-		get_tbl(parent);
-		choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->tbl.str_numstr);
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    choice = %d (of %d)\n",
-			    choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr));
-		for (fp = parent->child; (u_int32_t)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
-		     fp = fp->next) {
-			choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
-			DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %d (choice = %d)\n",
-				    fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice));
-		}
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "    using %s, %d\n", fp->name,
-			    fp->tbl.str_numstr));
-		return fp;
-	}
-}
-
-/*
- * sum_noprobs:
- *	Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp.
- */
-static void
-sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	static bool did_noprobs = FALSE;
-
-	if (did_noprobs)
-		return;
-	zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl);
-	while (fp != NULL) {
-		get_tbl(fp);
-		sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl);
-		fp = fp->next;
-	}
-	did_noprobs = TRUE;
-}
-
-static int
-max(int i, int j)
-{
-	return (i >= j ? i : j);
-}
-
-/*
- * open_fp:
- *	Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC.
- */
-static void
-open_fp(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL)
-		err(1, "Cannot open `%s'", fp->path);
-}
-
-/*
- * open_dat:
- *	Open up the dat file if we need to.
- */
-static void
-open_dat(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0)
-		err(1, "Cannot open `%s'", fp->datfile);
-}
-
-/*
- * get_pos:
- *	Get the position from the pos file, if there is one.  If not,
- *	return a random number.
- */
-static void
-get_pos(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-	int fd;
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-
-	assert(fp->read_tbl);
-	if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) {
-#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
-		if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0 ||
-		    read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos)
-			fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
-		else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
-			fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
-		if (fd >= 0)
-			(void) close(fd);
-#else
-		fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
-#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
-	}
-	if ((u_int64_t)++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
-		fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
-	DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %lld\n", fp->name,
-	    (long long)fp->pos));
-}
-
-/*
- * get_tbl:
- *	Get the tbl data file the datfile.
- */
-static void
-get_tbl(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
-	int fd;
-	FILEDESC *child;
-
-	if (fp->read_tbl)
-		return;
-	if (fp->child == NULL) {
-		if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0)
-			err(1, "Cannot open `%s'", fp->datfile);
-		if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) {
-			errx(1, "Database `%s' corrupted", fp->path);
-		}
-		/* BE32TOH(fp->tbl.str_version); */
-		BE32TOH(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
-		BE32TOH(fp->tbl.str_longlen);
-		BE32TOH(fp->tbl.str_shortlen);
-		BE32TOH(fp->tbl.str_flags);
-		(void) close(fd);
-	}
-	else {
-		zero_tbl(&fp->tbl);
-		for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) {
-			get_tbl(child);
-			sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl);
-		}
-	}
-	fp->read_tbl = TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * zero_tbl:
- *	Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure.
- */
-static void
-zero_tbl(STRFILE *tp)
-{
-	tp->str_numstr = 0;
-	tp->str_longlen = 0;
-	tp->str_shortlen = -1;
-}
-
-/*
- * sum_tbl:
- *	Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1.
- */
-static void
-sum_tbl(STRFILE *t1, STRFILE *t2)
-{
-	t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr;
-	if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen)
-		t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen;
-	if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen)
-		t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen;
-}
-
-#define	STR(str)	((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str))
-
-/*
- * print_file_list:
- *	Print out the file list
- */
-static void
-print_file_list(void)
-{
-	print_list(File_list, 0);
-}
-
-/*
- * print_list:
- *	Print out the actual list, recursively.
- */
-static void
-print_list(FILEDESC *list, int lev)
-{
-	while (list != NULL) {
-		fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, "");
-		if (list->percent == NO_PROB)
-			fprintf(stderr, "___%%");
-		else
-			fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent);
-		fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name));
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)\n", STR(list->path),
-			    STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile)));
-		putc('\n', stderr);
-		if (list->child != NULL)
-			print_list(list->child, lev + 1);
-		list = list->next;
-	}
-}
-
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-
-/*
- * re_setup:
- *	Initialize regular expression pattern.
- */
-static void
-re_setup(struct re *rx, const char *pattern, bool ignore_case)
-{
-	int code, flags;
-	char errbuf[1024];
-
-	assert(!rx->valid);
-
-	flags = REG_EXTENDED | REG_NOSUB;
-	if (ignore_case) {
-		flags |= REG_ICASE;
-	}
-	code = regcomp(&rx->regex, pattern, flags);
-
-	if (code != 0) {
-		regerror(code, &rx->regex, errbuf, sizeof(errbuf));
-		warnx("%s: `%s'", errbuf, pattern);
-		regfree(&rx->regex);
-		rx->valid = FALSE;
-	}
-	rx->valid = TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * re_cleanup:
- *	Undo re_setup.
- */
-static void
-re_cleanup(struct re *rx)
-{
-	if (rx->valid) {
-		regfree(&rx->regex);
-		rx->valid = FALSE;
-	}
-}
-
-static bool
-re_match(struct re *rx, const char *string)
-{
-	return regexec(&rx->regex, string, 0, NULL, 0) == 0;
-}
-
-/*
- * find_matches:
- *	Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given.
- */
-static int
-find_matches(void)
-{
-	Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list);
-	DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len));
-	/* extra length, "%\n" is appended */
-	Fortbuf = do_malloc(Fort_len + 10);
-
-	Found_one = FALSE;
-	matches_in_list(File_list);
-	return Found_one;
-	/* NOTREACHED */
-}
-
-/*
- * maxlen_in_list
- *	Return the maximum fortune len in the file list.
- */
-static size_t
-maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
-{
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-	size_t len, maxlen;
-
-	maxlen = 0;
-	for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
-		if (fp->child != NULL) {
-			if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen)
-				maxlen = len;
-		}
-		else {
-			get_tbl(fp);
-			if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > maxlen)
-				maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen;
-		}
-	}
-	return maxlen;
-}
-
-/*
- * matches_in_list
- *	Print out the matches from the files in the list.
- */
-static void
-matches_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
-{
-	char *sp;
-	FILEDESC *fp;
-	int in_file;
-
-	if (!Re_pat.valid || !Re_pat13.valid)
-		return;
-
-	for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
-		if (fp->child != NULL) {
-			matches_in_list(fp->child);
-			continue;
-		}
-		DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path));
-		open_fp(fp);
-		sp = Fortbuf;
-		in_file = FALSE;
-		while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL)
-			if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl))
-				sp += strlen(sp);
-			else {
-				*sp = '\0';
-				if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
-					Re_use = &Re_pat13;
-				else
-					Re_use = &Re_pat;
-				if (re_match(Re_use, Fortbuf)) {
-					printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim,
-					    fp->tbl.str_delim);
-					if (!in_file) {
-						printf(" (%s)", fp->name);
-						Found_one = TRUE;
-						in_file = TRUE;
-					}
-					putchar('\n');
-					if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
-						rot13(Fortbuf, (sp - Fortbuf));
-					(void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout);
-				}
-				sp = Fortbuf;
-			}
-	}
-	re_cleanup(&Re_pat);
-	re_cleanup(&Re_pat13);
-}
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
-
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s [-ae", getprogname());
-#ifdef DEBUG
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "D");
-#endif /* DEBUG */
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "f");
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "i");
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "losw]");
-#ifndef NO_REGEX
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]");
-#endif /* NO_REGEX */
-	(void) fprintf(stderr, "[ [#%%] file/directory/all]\n");
-	exit(1);
-}
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h b/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
deleted file mode 100644
index d5cb0f92..00000000
--- a/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,34 +0,0 @@
-/*	$NetBSD: pathnames.h,v 1.4 2003/08/07 09:37:14 agc Exp $	*/
-
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- *    without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- *	@(#)pathnames.h	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
- */
-
-#define	FORTDIR		"/usr/share/games/fortune"
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/Makefile b/fortune/strfile/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index d917efe5..00000000
--- a/fortune/strfile/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,9 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.10 2008/09/26 18:56:43 apb Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-PROG=	strfile
-MAN=	strfile.8
-MLINKS=	strfile.8 unstr.8
-
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 b/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
deleted file mode 100644
index 607d02a4..00000000
--- a/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,143 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: strfile.8,v 1.16 2013/09/19 00:58:11 uwe Exp $
-.\"
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
-.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
-.\" Ken Arnold.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\"    without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\"     @(#)strfile.8	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93
-.\"
-.Dd January 17, 2010
-.Dt STRFILE 8
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm strfile ,
-.Nm unstr
-.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl iorsx
-.Op Fl c Ar char
-.Ar source_file
-.Op Ar output_file
-.Nm unstr
-.Ar source_file
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-.Nm
-reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
-a single percent
-.Ql \&%
-sign and creates a data file which contains
-a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
-This allows random access of the strings.
-.Pp
-The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
-.Ar source_file Ns Sy .dat .
-.Pp
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width "-c char"
-.It Fl c Ar char
-Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
-.Ar char .
-.It Fl i
-Ignore case when ordering the strings.
-.It Fl o
-Order the strings in alphabetical order.
-The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
-groups of lines referenced.
-Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_ORDERED
-bit in the header
-.Fa str_flags
-field to be set.
-.It Fl r
-Randomize access to the strings.
-Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_RANDOM
-bit in the header
-.Fa str_flags
-field to be set.
-.It Fl s
-Run silently; don't give a summary message when finished.
-.It Fl x
-Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
-13 positions in a simple caesar cipher.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_ROTATED
-bit in the header
-.Fa str_flags
-field to be set.
-.El
-.Pp
-The format of the header is:
-.Bd -literal -offset indent
-#define VERSION 1
-unsigned long   str_version;    /* version number */
-unsigned long   str_numstr;     /* # of strings in the file */
-unsigned long   str_longlen;    /* length of longest string */
-unsigned long   str_shortlen;   /* length of shortest string */
-#define STR_RANDOM      0x1     /* randomized pointers */
-#define STR_ORDERED     0x2     /* ordered pointers */
-#define STR_ROTATED     0x4     /* rot-13'd text */
-unsigned long   str_flags;      /* bit field for flags */
-char str_delim;                 /* delimiting character */
-.Ed
-.Pp
-All fields are written in big-endian byte order.
-.Pp
-The purpose of
-.Nm unstr
-is to undo the work of
-.Nm .
-It prints out the strings contained in the file
-.Ar source_file
-in the order that they are listed in the header file
-.Ar source_file Ns Sy .dat
-to standard output.
-It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
-.Fl o
-when
-.Nm
-is run and then using
-.Nm unstr
-to dump them out in the table order.
-.Sh FILES
-.Bl -tag -width strfile.out -compact
-.It Pa strfile.dat
-default output file.
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr byteorder 3 ,
-.Xr fortune 6
-.Sh HISTORY
-The
-.Nm
-utility first appeared in
-.Bx 4.4 .
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.c b/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
deleted file mode 100644
index f0d83425..00000000
--- a/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,489 +0,0 @@
-/*	$NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.42 2020/07/26 15:14:09 nia Exp $	*/
-
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- *    without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if HAVE_NBTOOL_CONFIG_H
-#include "nbtool_config.h"
-#endif
-
-#ifdef __NetBSD__
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-#ifndef lint
-__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\
- The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.");
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#else
-__RCSID("$NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.42 2020/07/26 15:14:09 nia Exp $");
-#endif
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif /* __NetBSD__ */
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-#include <sys/param.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <stdarg.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-#include <inttypes.h>
-#include <err.h>
-
-#include "strfile.h"
-
-#ifndef MAXPATHLEN
-#define	MAXPATHLEN	1024
-#endif	/* MAXPATHLEN */
-
-/*
- *	This program takes a file composed of strings separated by
- * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
- * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
- * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
- * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
- * by a null byte.  Usage:
- *
- *	% strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
- *
- *	c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
- *	s - Silent.  Give no summary of data processed at the end of
- *	    the run.
- *	o - order the strings in alphabetic order
- *	i - if ordering, ignore case 
- *	r - randomize the order of the strings
- *	x - set rotated bit
- *
- *		Ken Arnold	Sept. 7, 1978 --
- *
- *	Added ordering options.
- */
-
-# define	STORING_PTRS	(Oflag || Rflag)
-# define	CHUNKSIZE	512
-
-# define	ALLOC(ptr,sz)	do { \
-			if (ptr == NULL) \
-				ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof *ptr); \
-			else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
-				ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof *ptr); \
-			if (ptr == NULL) \
-				err(1, "out of space"); \
-		} while (0)
-
-typedef struct {
-	char	first;
-	off_t	pos;
-} STR;
-
-static char *Infile = NULL;		/* input file name */
-static char Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "";	/* output file name */
-static char Delimch = '%';		/* delimiting character */
-
-static int Sflag	= 0;		/* silent run flag */
-static int Oflag	= 0;		/* ordering flag */
-static int Iflag	= 0;		/* ignore case flag */
-static int Rflag	= 0;		/* randomize order flag */
-static int Xflag	= 0;		/* set rotated bit */
-static long Num_pts	= 0;		/* number of pointers/strings */
-
-static off_t *Seekpts;
-
-static FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2;		/* pointers for sorting */
-
-static STRFILE Tbl;			/* statistics table */
-
-static STR *Firstch;			/* first chars of each string */
-
-
-static uint32_t h2nl(uint32_t h);
-static void getargs(int argc, char **argv);
-static void usage(const char *, ...) __dead __printflike(1, 2);
-static void add_offset(FILE *fp, off_t off);
-static void do_order(void);
-static int cmp_str(const void *vp1, const void *vp2);
-static void randomize(void);
-static void fwrite_be_offt(off_t off, FILE *f);
-
-
-/*
- * main:
- *	Drive the sucker.  There are two main modes -- either we store
- *	the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
- *	or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
- *	in file order.  If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
- *	CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
- *	and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
- */
-int
-main(int ac, char **av)
-{
-	char		*sp, dc;
-	FILE		*inf, *outf;
-	off_t		last_off, length, pos;
-	int		first;
-	char		*nsp;
-	STR		*fp;
-	static char	string[257];
-	long		i;
-
-	/* sanity test */
-	if (sizeof(uint32_t) != 4)
-		errx(1, "sizeof(uint32_t) != 4");
-
-	getargs(ac, av);		/* evalute arguments */
-	dc = Delimch;
-	if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL)
-		err(1, "open `%s'", Infile);
-
-	if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL)
-		err(1, "open `%s'", Outfile);
-	if (!STORING_PTRS)
-		(void) fseek(outf, sizeof Tbl, SEEK_SET);
-
-	/*
-	 * Write the strings onto the file
-	 */
-
-	Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
-	Tbl.str_shortlen = (unsigned int) 0x7fffffff;
-	Tbl.str_delim = dc;
-	Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
-	first = Oflag;
-	add_offset(outf, ftell(inf));
-	last_off = 0;
-	do {
-		sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
-		if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) {
-			pos = ftell(inf);
-			length = pos - last_off - (sp ? strlen(sp) : 0);
-			last_off = pos;
-			if (!length)
-				continue;
-			add_offset(outf, pos);
-			if ((off_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length)
-				Tbl.str_longlen = length;
-			if ((off_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
-				Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
-			first = Oflag;
-		}
-		else if (first) {
-			for (nsp = sp; !isalnum((unsigned char)*nsp); nsp++)
-				continue;
-			ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
-			fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
-			if (Iflag && isupper((unsigned char)*nsp))
-				fp->first = tolower((unsigned char)*nsp);
-			else
-				fp->first = *nsp;
-			fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
-			first = 0;
-		}
-	} while (sp != NULL);
-
-	/*
-	 * write the tables in
-	 */
-
-	(void) fclose(inf);
-
-	if (Oflag)
-		do_order();
-	else if (Rflag)
-		randomize();
-
-	if (Xflag)
-		Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
-
-	if (!Sflag) {
-		printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
-		if (Num_pts == 2)
-			puts("There was 1 string");
-		else
-			printf("There were %d strings\n", (int)(Num_pts - 1));
-		printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_longlen,
-		       Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
-		printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_shortlen,
-		       Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
-	}
-
-	(void) fseek(outf, (off_t) 0, SEEK_SET);
-	Tbl.str_version = h2nl(Tbl.str_version);
-	Tbl.str_numstr = h2nl(Num_pts - 1);
-	Tbl.str_longlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_longlen);
-	Tbl.str_shortlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_shortlen);
-	Tbl.str_flags = h2nl(Tbl.str_flags);
-	(void) fwrite((char *) &Tbl, sizeof Tbl, 1, outf);
-	if (STORING_PTRS) {
-		for (i = 0; i < Num_pts; i++)
-			fwrite_be_offt(Seekpts[i], outf);
-	}
-	fflush(outf);
-	if (ferror(outf))
-		err(1, "fwrite %s", Outfile);
-	(void) fclose(outf);
-	exit(0);
-}
-
-/*
- *	This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
- */
-static void
-getargs(int argc, char **argv)
-{
-	int	ch;
-	extern	int optind;
-	extern	char *optarg;
-	size_t	len;
-
-	while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "c:iorsx")) != -1)
-		switch(ch) {
-		case 'c':			/* new delimiting char */
-			Delimch = *optarg;
-			if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
-				printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
-				       Delimch);
-			}
-			break;
-		case 'i':			/* ignore case in ordering */
-			Iflag++;
-			break;
-		case 'o':			/* order strings */
-			Oflag++;
-			break;
-		case 'r':			/* randomize pointers */
-			Rflag++;
-			break;
-		case 's':			/* silent */
-			Sflag++;
-			break;
-		case 'x':			/* set the rotated bit */
-			Xflag++;
-			break;
-		case '?':
-		default:
-			usage(NULL);
-		}
-	argv += optind;
-
-	if (*argv) {
-		Infile = *argv;
-		if (*++argv) {
-			len = strlcpy(Outfile, *argv, sizeof(Outfile));
-			if (len >= sizeof(Outfile)) {
-				usage("Too long output filename");
-			}
-		}
-	}
-	if (!Infile) {
-		usage("No input file name");
-	}
-	if (*Outfile == '\0') {
-		len = snprintf(Outfile, sizeof(Outfile), "%s.dat", Infile);
-		if (len >= sizeof(Outfile)) {
-			usage("Too long input filename");
-		}
-	}
-}
-
-static void
-usage(const char *fmt, ...)
-{
-	if (fmt) {
-		va_list ap;
-		va_start(ap, fmt);
-		vwarnx(fmt, ap);
-		va_end(ap);
-	}
-	(void) fprintf(stderr,
-	    "Usage: %s [-iorsx] [-c char] sourcefile [datafile]\n",
-	    getprogname());
-	exit(1);
-}
-
-/*
- * add_offset:
- *	Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
- */
-static void
-add_offset(FILE *fp, off_t off)
-{
-
-	if (!STORING_PTRS) {
-		fwrite_be_offt(off, fp);
-	} else {
-		ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
-		Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
-	}
-	Num_pts++;
-}
-
-/*
- * do_order:
- *	Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
- */
-static void
-do_order(void)
-{
-	int	i;
-	off_t	*lp;
-	STR	*fp;
-
-	Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
-	Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
-	qsort((char *) Firstch, (int) Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof *Firstch, cmp_str);
-	i = Tbl.str_numstr;
-	lp = Seekpts;
-	fp = Firstch;
-	while (i--)
-		*lp++ = fp++->pos;
-	(void) fclose(Sort_1);
-	(void) fclose(Sort_2);
-	Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
-}
-
-static int
-cmp_str(const void *vp1, const void *vp2)
-{
-	const STR	*p1, *p2;
-	int	c1, c2;
-	int	n1, n2;
-
-	p1 = (const STR *)vp1;
-	p2 = (const STR *)vp2;
-
-# define	SET_N(nf,ch)	(nf = (ch == '\n'))
-# define	IS_END(ch,nf)	(ch == Delimch && nf)
-
-	c1 = p1->first;
-	c2 = p2->first;
-	if (c1 != c2)
-		return c1 - c2;
-
-	(void) fseek(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET);
-	(void) fseek(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET);
-
-	n1 = 0;
-	n2 = 0;
-	while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0')
-		SET_N(n1, c1);
-	while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0')
-		SET_N(n2, c2);
-
-	while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
-		if (Iflag) {
-			if (isupper(c1))
-				c1 = tolower(c1);
-			if (isupper(c2))
-				c2 = tolower(c2);
-		}
-		if (c1 != c2)
-			return c1 - c2;
-		SET_N(n1, c1);
-		SET_N(n2, c2);
-		c1 = getc(Sort_1);
-		c2 = getc(Sort_2);
-	}
-	if (IS_END(c1, n1))
-		c1 = 0;
-	if (IS_END(c2, n2))
-		c2 = 0;
-	return c1 - c2;
-}
-
-/*
- * randomize:
- *	Randomize the order of the string table.  We must be careful
- *	not to randomize across delimiter boundaries.  All
- *	randomization is done within each block.
- */
-static void
-randomize(void)
-{
-	int	cnt, i;
-	off_t	tmp;
-	off_t	*sp;
-
-	srandom((int)(time(NULL) + getpid()));
-
-	Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
-	cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
-
-	/*
-	 * move things around randomly
-	 */
-
-	for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
-		i = random() % cnt;
-		tmp = sp[0];
-		sp[0] = sp[i];
-		sp[i] = tmp;
-	}
-}
-
-/*
- * fwrite_be_offt:
- *	Write out the off paramater as a 64 bit big endian number
- */
-
-static void
-fwrite_be_offt(off_t off, FILE *f)
-{
-	int		i;
-	unsigned char	c[8];
-
-	for (i = 7; i >= 0; i--) {
-		c[i] = off & 0xff;
-		off >>= 8;
-	}
-	fwrite(c, sizeof(c), 1, f);
-}
-
-static uint32_t
-h2nl(uint32_t h)
-{
-        unsigned char c[4];
-        uint32_t rv;
-
-        c[0] = (h >> 24) & 0xff;
-        c[1] = (h >> 16) & 0xff;
-        c[2] = (h >>  8) & 0xff;
-        c[3] = (h >>  0) & 0xff;
-        memcpy(&rv, c, sizeof rv);
-
-        return (rv);
-}
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.h b/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
deleted file mode 100644
index 1a5c4bee..00000000
--- a/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,54 +0,0 @@
-/*	$NetBSD: strfile.h,v 1.7 2008/10/19 07:56:42 apb Exp $	*/
-
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- *    without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- *	@(#)strfile.h	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
- */
-
-#include <stdint.h>
-
-#define	STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \
-	((line)[0] == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n')
-
-typedef struct {				/* information table */
-#define	VERSION		1
-	uint32_t	str_version;		/* version number */
-	uint32_t	str_numstr;		/* # of strings in the file */
-	uint32_t	str_longlen;		/* length of longest string */
-	uint32_t	str_shortlen;		/* length of shortest string */
-#define	STR_RANDOM	0x1			/* randomized pointers */
-#define	STR_ORDERED	0x2			/* ordered pointers */
-#define	STR_ROTATED	0x4			/* rot-13'd text */
-	uint32_t	str_flags;		/* bit field for flags */
-	unsigned char	stuff[4];		/* long aligned space */
-#define	str_delim	stuff[0]		/* delimiting character */
-} STRFILE;
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Do_spell b/fortune/tools/Do_spell
deleted file mode 100644
index 1961a112..00000000
--- a/fortune/tools/Do_spell
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,11 +0,0 @@
-#!/bin/sh -
-#	$NetBSD: Do_spell,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:50 cgd Exp $
-#
-#	@(#)Do_spell	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-#
-
-F=_spell.$$
-echo $1
-spell < $1 > $F
-sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column
-rm -f $F
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Do_troff b/fortune/tools/Do_troff
deleted file mode 100644
index 6df4ee62..00000000
--- a/fortune/tools/Do_troff
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,11 +0,0 @@
-#!/bin/csh -f
-#	$NetBSD: Do_troff,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:52 cgd Exp $
-#
-#	@(#)Do_troff	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-#
-
-set file=$1
-shift
-( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \
-	$* -me >& $file.tr
-echo troff output in $file.tr
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Troff.mac b/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
deleted file mode 100644
index 43231f3b..00000000
--- a/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,28 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: Troff.mac,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:53 cgd Exp $
-.\"
-.nr tp 8
-.nr hm 3v
-.nr fm 2v
-.nr tm 5v
-.nr bm 4v
-.cs R
-.sc
-.sz 6
-.ll +10n
-.lt \n(.l
-.de $h
-.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td'
-..
-.de $f
-.tl ''- % -''
-..
-.2c
-.nf
-.ta
-.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n
-.de %%
-.sp .3
-.ce
-\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq
-.sp .2
-..
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Troff.sed b/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
deleted file mode 100644
index 32166812..00000000
--- a/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,13 +0,0 @@
-/^['.]/s//\\\&&/
-/^%%/s//.&/
-/--/s//\\*-/g
-/_a-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/
-/__**\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g
-/"\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g
-/`\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g
-/'\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g
-/~\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g
-/\^\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g
-/,\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g
-/\(.\)\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g
-/*/s//\\(bs/g
diff --git a/fortune/tools/do_sort b/fortune/tools/do_sort
deleted file mode 100644
index ddae1ace..00000000
--- a/fortune/tools/do_sort
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,12 +0,0 @@
-#! /bin/sh
-#	$NetBSD: do_sort,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:28:54 cgd Exp $
-#
-#	@(#)do_sort	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-#
-# an aggressive little script for sorting the fortune files
-# depends on octal 02 and 03 not being anywhere in the files.
-
-sp="/usr/bin/sort -bdfu -T /var/tmp"
-
-sed 's/^%$//' | tr '\12' '\3' | tr '\2' '\12' | $sp | sed 'a\
-	%' | sed -e 's/^//' -e 's/$//' | tr '\3' '\12'
diff --git a/fortune/unstr/Makefile b/fortune/unstr/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index 0283bc28..00000000
--- a/fortune/unstr/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.8 2008/09/26 18:56:43 apb Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
-PROG=		unstr
-CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
-
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/unstr/unstr.c b/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
deleted file mode 100644
index b868bd4d..00000000
--- a/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,147 +0,0 @@
-/*	$NetBSD: unstr.c,v 1.16 2020/04/30 12:40:11 christos Exp $	*/
-
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- *	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- *    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- *    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- *    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- *    without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-#ifndef lint
-__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1991, 1993\
- The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.");
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#else
-__RCSID("$NetBSD: unstr.c,v 1.16 2020/04/30 12:40:11 christos Exp $");
-#endif
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-/*
- *	This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the
- * original file again.  This can be invoked with the name of the output
- * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument
- * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output
- * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat".  If the single argument
- * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and
- * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat".  If both are given
- * they are treated literally as the input and output files.
- *
- *	Ken Arnold		Aug 13, 1978
- */
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-#include <sys/param.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include "strfile.h"
-
-#ifndef MAXPATHLEN
-#define	MAXPATHLEN	1024
-#endif	/* MAXPATHLEN */
-
-char	*Infile,			/* name of input file */
-	Datafile[MAXPATHLEN],		/* name of data file */
-	Delimch;			/* delimiter character */
-
-FILE	*Inf, *Dataf;
-
-void	getargs(char *[]);
-int	main(int, char *[]);
-void	order_unstr(STRFILE *);
-
-/* ARGSUSED */
-int
-main(int ac __unused, char **av)
-{
-	static STRFILE	tbl;		/* description table */
-
-	getargs(av);
-	if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL)
-		err(EXIT_FAILURE, "fopen %s", Infile);
-	if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL)
-		err(EXIT_FAILURE, "fopen %s", Datafile);
-	(void) fread((char *) &tbl, sizeof tbl, 1, Dataf);
-	BE32TOH(tbl.str_version);
-	BE32TOH(tbl.str_numstr);
-	BE32TOH(tbl.str_longlen);
-	BE32TOH(tbl.str_shortlen);
-	BE32TOH(tbl.str_flags);
-	if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM))) {
-		fprintf(stderr, "nothing to do -- table in file order\n");
-		exit(1);
-	}
-	Delimch = tbl.str_delim;
-	order_unstr(&tbl);
-	(void) fclose(Inf);
-	(void) fclose(Dataf);
-	return EXIT_SUCCESS;
-}
-
-void
-getargs(char *av[])
-{
-	if (!*++av ||
-	    (size_t)snprintf(Datafile, sizeof(Datafile), "%s.dat", Infile) >
-	    sizeof(Datafile)) {
-		(void) fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s datafile\n", getprogname());
-		exit(EXIT_FAILURE);
-	}
-	Infile = *av;
-}
-
-void
-order_unstr(STRFILE *tbl)
-{
-	unsigned int	i;
-	char	*sp;
-	off_t	pos;
-	char	buf[BUFSIZ];
-
-	for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) {
-		(void) fread((char *) &pos, 1, sizeof pos, Dataf);
-		(void) fseek(Inf, be64toh(pos), SEEK_SET);
-		if (i != 0)
-			(void) printf("%c\n", Delimch);
-		for (;;) {
-			sp = fgets(buf, sizeof buf, Inf);
-			if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl))
-				break;
-			else
-				fputs(sp, stdout);
-		}
-	}
-}
diff --git a/gomoku/Makefile b/gomoku/Makefile
index d39f70e4..50895f7f 100644
--- a/gomoku/Makefile
+++ b/gomoku/Makefile
@@ -4,8 +4,18 @@
 PROG=	gomoku
 SRCS=	bdinit.c bdisp.c main.c makemove.c pickmove.c stoc.c
 MAN=	gomoku.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/gomoku/gomoku.h b/gomoku/gomoku.h
index abd1b6d0..d7ff3fbd 100644
--- a/gomoku/gomoku.h
+++ b/gomoku/gomoku.h
@@ -35,7 +35,7 @@
  */
 
 #include <sys/types.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
+#include <sys/_endian.h>
 #include <stdio.h>
 
 /* board dimensions */
diff --git a/gomoku/main.c b/gomoku/main.c
index 4d9acb26..26414ba6 100644
--- a/gomoku/main.c
+++ b/gomoku/main.c
@@ -62,6 +62,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: main.c,v 1.27 2016/06/12 02:15:26 dholland Exp $");
 #define PROGRAM	1		/* get input from program */
 #define INPUTF	2		/* get input from a file */
 
+#define LOGIN_NAME_MAX 73
+
 int	interactive = 1;	/* true if interactive */
 int	debug;			/* true if debugging */
 static int test;		/* both moves come from 1: input, 2: computer */
diff --git a/hack/Makefile b/hack/Makefile
index ec9a6521..318f3034 100644
--- a/hack/Makefile
+++ b/hack/Makefile
@@ -1,11 +1,7 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.47 2020/02/08 00:59:55 fox Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.2 (Berkeley) 4/27/95
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	hack
-CPPFLAGS+=-I.
-DPSRCS+=hack.onames.h hack.h
 SRCS+=	alloc.c hack.Decl.c hack.apply.c hack.bones.c hack.c hack.cmd.c \
 	hack.do.c hack.do_name.c hack.do_wear.c hack.dog.c hack.eat.c \
 	hack.end.c hack.engrave.c hack.fight.c hack.invent.c hack.ioctl.c \
@@ -18,44 +14,32 @@ SRCS+=	alloc.c hack.Decl.c hack.apply.c hack.bones.c hack.c hack.cmd.c \
 	hack.u_init.c hack.unix.c hack.vault.c hack.version.c hack.wield.c \
 	hack.wizard.c hack.worm.c hack.worn.c hack.zap.c rnd.c
 MAN=	hack.6
-DPADD+=	${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD+=	-lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
-CLEANFILES+=makedefs makedefs.lo
+CLEANFILES+=makedefs
 FILES=help hh data
 FILESDIR=/var/games/hackdir
-
 CLEANFILES+=hack.onames.h
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
 hack.onames.h: makedefs def.objects.h
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./makedefs ${.CURDIR}/def.objects.h > hack.onames.h
+	./makedefs def.objects.h > hack.onames.h
 
-makedefs: makedefs.lo
-	${_MKTARGET_LINK}
-	${HOST_LINK.c} -o ${.TARGET} ${.ALLSRC}
+makedefs: makedefs.c
+	clang -o makedefs makedefs.c
 
 hack.h:	hack.onames.h
 
-COPTS.hack.mon.c+=	-Wno-format-nonliteral
-COPTS.hack.rip.c+=	-Wno-format-nonliteral
-COPTS.hack.end.c+=	${GCC_NO_STRINGOP_TRUNCATION}
-
-.if !exists(${DESTDIR}${FILESDIR}/perm)
-afterinstall: clobber
-.endif
+$(PROG): $(SRCS) hack.h
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-clobber: 
-	${_MKMSG_INSTALL} ${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/perm
-	${INSTALL_FILE} -o games -g games -m 660 /dev/null \
-	    ${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/perm
-	${_MKMSG_INSTALL} ${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/record
-	${INSTALL_FILE} -o games -g games -m 660 /dev/null \
-	    ${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/record
-	${_MKMSG_REMOVE} "${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/bones*"
-	rm -f ${DESTDIR}/var/games/hackdir/bones*
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	mkdir -p $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm660 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
 
-COPTS.hack.objnam.c+=	${GCC_NO_STRINGOP_TRUNCATION} ${GCC_NO_STRINGOP_OVERFLOW}
-COPTS.hack.pager.c+=	${GCC_NO_STRINGOP_TRUNCATION}
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/hals_end/Makefile b/hals_end/Makefile
index 4cf2d73e..89b10b30 100644
--- a/hals_end/Makefile
+++ b/hals_end/Makefile
@@ -1,9 +1,20 @@
 # $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 2013/11/12 17:46:21 mbalmer Exp $
 
 PROG=	hals_end
+MAN=	hals_end.6
+SRCS=	hals_end.c
 
-BINDIR=	/usr/games
+all: $(PROG)
 
-MAN=	hals_end.6
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk> 
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/hangman/Makefile b/hangman/Makefile
index 357bc8fd..0205e266 100644
--- a/hangman/Makefile
+++ b/hangman/Makefile
@@ -5,10 +5,18 @@ PROG=	hangman
 SRCS=	endgame.c extern.c getguess.c getword.c main.c playgame.c \
 	prdata.c prman.c prword.c setup.c
 MAN=	hangman.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
 
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/hunt/Makefile b/hunt/Makefile
index 28a76a32..e7ac83df 100644
--- a/hunt/Makefile
+++ b/hunt/Makefile
@@ -1,5 +1,13 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 1997/10/04 09:11:14 mrg Exp $
 
 SUBDIR=	hunt huntd
+TOPTARGETS= all clean install
+GAME_PARAM=	-DRANDOM -DREFLECT -DMONITOR -DOOZE -DFLY -DVOLCANO -DBOOTS \
+		-DOTTO
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
+
+$(SUBDIR): 
+	+EXTRADEFS="$(GAME_PARAM) -DINTERNET -DLOG" $(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR)
diff --git a/hunt/hunt/Makefile b/hunt/hunt/Makefile
index e7584aa1..211b9619 100644
--- a/hunt/hunt/Makefile
+++ b/hunt/hunt/Makefile
@@ -3,12 +3,18 @@
 PROG=	hunt
 SRCS=	connect.c hunt.c otto.c playit.c server.c
 MAN=	hunt.6
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../include
+all: $(PROG)
 
-COPTS.hunt.c+=	${GCC_NO_STRINGOP_TRUNCATION}
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) $(EXTRADEFS) -I../include -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/hunt/hunt/connect.c b/hunt/hunt/connect.c
index 4c2e2f7e..7bcb2759 100644
--- a/hunt/hunt/connect.c
+++ b/hunt/hunt/connect.c
@@ -39,6 +39,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: connect.c,v 1.11 2014/03/30 05:30:28 dholland Exp $");
 #include <signal.h>
 #include <unistd.h>
 #include <assert.h>
+#include <sys/_endian.h>
 
 #include "hunt_common.h"
 #include "hunt_private.h"
diff --git a/hunt/hunt/hunt.c b/hunt/hunt/hunt.c
index ec993fe0..4d0e89e5 100644
--- a/hunt/hunt/hunt.c
+++ b/hunt/hunt/hunt.c
@@ -48,6 +48,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: hunt.c,v 1.58 2014/03/30 09:11:50 skrll Exp $");
 #include <string.h>
 #include <unistd.h>
 #include <assert.h>
+#include <sys/_types/_socklen_t.h>
+#include <netdb.h>
 
 #include "hunt_common.h"
 #include "pathnames.h"
@@ -189,7 +191,7 @@ main(int ac, char **av)
 		case 'w':
 		case 'h':
 		case 'p':
-			wanrx("Need TCP/IP for S, q, w, h, and p options.");
+			warnx("Need TCP/IP for S, q, w, h, and p options.");
 			break;
 #endif
 		case 'c':
diff --git a/hunt/hunt/playit.c b/hunt/hunt/playit.c
index be0d5a21..a03dcf17 100644
--- a/hunt/hunt/playit.c
+++ b/hunt/hunt/playit.c
@@ -53,6 +53,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: playit.c,v 1.25 2014/03/30 05:48:35 dholland Exp $");
 #define FREAD	1
 #endif
 
+#define INFTIM (-1)
 
 static int nchar_send;
 #ifdef OTTO
diff --git a/hunt/huntd/Makefile b/hunt/huntd/Makefile
index 9bce5e39..c90d71db 100644
--- a/hunt/huntd/Makefile
+++ b/hunt/huntd/Makefile
@@ -5,13 +5,17 @@ SRCS=	answer.c draw.c driver.c execute.c expl.c \
 	extern.c makemaze.c shots.c support.c terminal.c
 MAN=	huntd.6
 
-CPPFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../include
+all: $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) $(EXTRADEFS) -I../include
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-# Has fallthru comment that is missed
-.if defined(HAVE_GCC) && ${HAVE_GCC} >= 7 && ${ACTIVE_CC} == "gcc"
-COPTS.shots.c+=        -Wno-error=implicit-fallthrough
-.endif
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/hunt/huntd/driver.c b/hunt/huntd/driver.c
index 55dad68f..01fc5945 100644
--- a/hunt/huntd/driver.c
+++ b/hunt/huntd/driver.c
@@ -54,6 +54,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: driver.c,v 1.35 2014/03/30 01:44:37 dholland Exp $");
 
 #include "hunt.h"
 #include "pathnames.h"
+#define INFTIM (-1)
 
 /*
  * There are three listening sockets in this daemon:
@@ -375,7 +376,7 @@ init(void)
 #ifdef TIOCNOTTY
 	(void) ioctl(fileno(stdout), TIOCNOTTY, NULL);
 #endif
-	(void) setpgrp(getpid(), getpid());
+	(void) setpgid(getpid(), getpid());
 	(void) signal(SIGHUP, SIG_IGN);
 	(void) signal(SIGINT, SIG_IGN);
 	(void) signal(SIGQUIT, SIG_IGN);
diff --git a/larn/Makefile b/larn/Makefile
index cca697bb..643e1913 100644
--- a/larn/Makefile
+++ b/larn/Makefile
@@ -55,26 +55,27 @@
 # NOLOG
 #	Turn off logging.
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	larn
 MAN=	larn.6
-CPPFLAGS+=-DBSD -DVER=12 -DSUBVER=0 -DNONAP -DUIDSCORE -DTERMIOS
+CPPFLAGS+=-DVER=12 -DSUBVER=0 -DNONAP -DUIDSCORE -DTERMIOS
 SRCS=	main.c object.c create.c tok.c display.c global.c data.c io.c \
 	monster.c store.c diag.c help.c config.c nap.c bill.c scores.c \
 	signal.c action.c moreobj.c movem.c regen.c fortune.c savelev.c
-DPADD=	${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
+FILES= datfiles/larn.help datfiles/larnmaze datfiles/larnopts
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CPPFLAGS) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
-DAT=larnmaze larnopts larn.help
-FILES=${DAT:S@^@${.CURDIR}/datfiles/@g}
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/larn
-.endif
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/larn
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/games/larn/
 
-COPTS.display.c += -Wno-format-nonliteral
-COPTS.monster.c += -Wno-format-nonliteral
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/larn/diag.c b/larn/diag.c
index a3482c1d..0f00a6f1 100644
--- a/larn/diag.c
+++ b/larn/diag.c
@@ -20,6 +20,7 @@ static void fsorry(void);
 static void fcheat(void);
 
 static struct tms cputime;
+time_t time(time_t *t);
 
 /*
 	***************************
diff --git a/larn/main.c b/larn/main.c
index 7b619f87..977c17d9 100644
--- a/larn/main.c
+++ b/larn/main.c
@@ -37,6 +37,8 @@ static void eatcookie(void);
 static void quaff(void);
 static int whatitem(const char *);
 
+#define __unreachable() __builtin_unreachable()
+
 static char     copyright[] = "\nLarn is copyrighted 1986 by Noah Morgan.\n";
 int             srcount = 0;	/* line counter for showstr()	 */
 int             dropflag = 0;	/* if 1 then don't lookforobject() next round */
diff --git a/larn/scores.c b/larn/scores.c
index 49a6f873..26ee7c42 100644
--- a/larn/scores.c
+++ b/larn/scores.c
@@ -38,6 +38,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: scores.c,v 1.21 2012/06/19 05:30:44 dholland Exp $");
 #include "header.h"
 #include "extern.h"
 
+#include <time.h>
+
 struct scofmt {			/* This is the structure for the scoreboard 		 */
 	long            score;	/* the score of the player 							 */
 	long            suid;	/* the user id number of the player 				 */
diff --git a/mille/Makefile b/mille/Makefile
index ee0e38ac..a03c79f1 100644
--- a/mille/Makefile
+++ b/mille/Makefile
@@ -4,10 +4,19 @@
 PROG=	mille
 SRCS=	comp.c end.c extern.c init.c mille.c misc.c move.c print.c \
 	roll.c save.c types.c varpush.c
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
 MAN=	mille.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
 
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/monop/Makefile b/monop/Makefile
index 45eea382..a41871f8 100644
--- a/monop/Makefile
+++ b/monop/Makefile
@@ -1,12 +1,22 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.30 2008/02/24 02:43:18 dholland Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	monop
 SRCS=	monop.c cards.c execute.c getinp.c houses.c jail.c misc.c \
 	morg.c print.c prop.c rent.c roll.c spec.c trade.c
 MAN=	monop.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/monop/cards.c b/monop/cards.c
index cbd47eba..34ac5c71 100644
--- a/monop/cards.c
+++ b/monop/cards.c
@@ -39,7 +39,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: cards.c,v 1.27 2014/12/29 10:38:52 jnemeth Exp $");
 #endif /* not lint */
 
 #include <sys/types.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
+#include <sys/_endian.h>
 #include "monop.h"
 #include "deck.h"
 
diff --git a/morse/Makefile b/morse/Makefile
index 390a2249..70eba999 100644
--- a/morse/Makefile
+++ b/morse/Makefile
@@ -1,10 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.6 2002/09/18 06:16:40 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
 PROG=		morse
-HIDEGAME=	hidegame
+SRCS=		morse.c
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/number/Makefile b/number/Makefile
index 7f20784d..22ccf93b 100644
--- a/number/Makefile
+++ b/number/Makefile
@@ -3,5 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	number
 MAN=	number.6
+SRCS=	number.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/phantasia/Makefile b/phantasia/Makefile
index e9c53f23..3792164c 100644
--- a/phantasia/Makefile
+++ b/phantasia/Makefile
@@ -1,58 +1,48 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.37 2014/06/14 20:49:37 mrg Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	phantasia
 SRCS=	fight.c gamesupport.c interplayer.c io.c main.c misc.c phantglobs.c
-
-DPADD=	${LIBM} ${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lm -lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
-USETBL=
 MAN=	phantasia.6
 
 FILESDIR=/var/games/phantasia
-FILESOWN=games
-FILESGRP=games
 FILESMODE=0660
 ALLFILES=gold lastdead mess monsters void motd characs scoreboard
 FILES=gold lastdead mess monsters void motd
-# don't overwrite existing characters or scorefile
-.for file in characs scoreboard
-.if !exists(${DESTDIR}${FILESDIR}/${file})
-FILES+=${file}
-.endif
-.endfor
 
-CLEANFILES+=map mkdata setup.lo host_phantglobs.lo ${ALLFILES} files.stamp
+CLEANFILES+=map mkdata $(ALLFILES) files.stamp
 
-realall: ${FILES}
+all: $(PROG) $(FILES)
 
-${FILES}: files.stamp
+$(FILES): files.stamp
 files.stamp: mkdata monsters.asc
-	${_MKMSG_CREATE} ${FILES}
-	rm -f ${.TARGET}
-	./mkdata -m ${.CURDIR}/monsters.asc
-	touch ${.TARGET}
-
-mkdata: host_phantglobs.lo setup.lo ${LIBM} 
-	${_MKTARGET_LINK}
-	${HOST_LINK.c} -o ${.TARGET} ${.ALLSRC:M*.lo} -lm
+	rm -f files.stamp
+	./mkdata -m monsters.asc
+	touch files.stamp
 
-BUILDSYMLINKS+=	phantglobs.c host_phantglobs.c
-HOST_CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}
+mkdata: phantglobs.c setup.c
+	clang -o mkdata phantglobs.c setup.c
 
 # Make Phantasia map.  Change the map commands reflect your installation.
 # PLOTDEVICE is used for plotting the map.  Change as appropriate.
 
 map: map.c
-	${CC} -O ${.CURDIR}/map.c -lplot -o ${.TARGET}
+	clang -o map map.c -lplot
 	./map | plot > /dev/tty
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+$(ALLFILES): $(FILES)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(ALLFILES)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm$(FILESMODE) $(ALLFILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.if defined(HAVE_GCC) && ${MACHINE_ARCH} == "vax"
-COPTS.misc.c+=	-O0
-.endif
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/phantasia/main.c b/phantasia/main.c
index c8850da8..6fd3f727 100644
--- a/phantasia/main.c
+++ b/phantasia/main.c
@@ -37,6 +37,7 @@
 #include <stdlib.h>
 #include <string.h>
 #include <unistd.h>
+#include <time.h>
 
 #include "macros.h"
 #include "phantdefs.h"
@@ -44,6 +45,8 @@
 #include "phantglobs.h"
 #include "pathnames.h"
 
+#define __unreachable() __builtin_unreachable()
+
 #undef bool
 #include <curses.h>
 
diff --git a/phantasia/map.c b/phantasia/map.c
index 7ac656db..d1bbca24 100644
--- a/phantasia/map.c
+++ b/phantasia/map.c
@@ -3,71 +3,79 @@
 #define	minusminus	plusplus
 #define	minusplus	plusminus
 
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <plot.h>
+
+void plusminus(char *s, int x, int y);
+void plusplus(char *s, int x, int y);
+
+int
 main()
 {
     /* Set up */
 
-    openpl();
-    space(-1400, -1000, 1200, 1200);
+    pl_openpl();
+    pl_space(-1400, -1000, 1200, 1200);
 
     /* Big box */
 
-    move(-1400, -1000);
-    cont(-1400, 1000);
-    cont(600, 1000);
-    cont(600, -1000);
-    cont(-1400, -1000);
+    pl_move(-1400, -1000);
+    pl_cont(-1400, 1000);
+    pl_cont(600, 1000);
+    pl_cont(600, -1000);
+    pl_cont(-1400, -1000);
 
     /* Grid -- horizontal lines every 200 */
 
-    linemod("dotted");
-    line(600, -800, -1400, -800);
-    line(-1400, -600, 600, -600);
-    line(600, -400, -1400, -400);
-    line(-1400, -200, 600, -200);
-    linemod("solid");
-    line(600, 0, -1400, 0);
-    linemod("dotted");
-    line(-1400, 200, 600, 200);
-    line(600, 400, -1400, 400);
-    line(-1400, 600, 600, 600);
-    line(600, 800, -1400, 800);
+    pl_linemod("dotted");
+    pl_line(600, -800, -1400, -800);
+    pl_line(-1400, -600, 600, -600);
+    pl_line(600, -400, -1400, -400);
+    pl_line(-1400, -200, 600, -200);
+    pl_linemod("solid");
+    pl_line(600, 0, -1400, 0);
+    pl_linemod("dotted");
+    pl_line(-1400, 200, 600, 200);
+    pl_line(600, 400, -1400, 400);
+    pl_line(-1400, 600, 600, 600);
+    pl_line(600, 800, -1400, 800);
 
     /* Grid -- vertical lines every 200 */
 
-    line(-1200, 1000, -1200, -1000);
-    line(-1000, 1000, -1000, -1000);
-    line(-800, 1000, -800, -1000);
-    line(-600, 1000, -600, -1000);
-    linemod("solid");
-    line(-400, 1000, -400, -1000);
-    linemod("dotted");
-    line(-200, 1000, -200, -1000);
-    line(0, 1000, 0, -1000);
-    line(200, 1000, 200, -1000);
-    line(400, 1000, 400, -1000);
+    pl_line(-1200, 1000, -1200, -1000);
+    pl_line(-1000, 1000, -1000, -1000);
+    pl_line(-800, 1000, -800, -1000);
+    pl_line(-600, 1000, -600, -1000);
+    pl_linemod("solid");
+    pl_line(-400, 1000, -400, -1000);
+    pl_linemod("dotted");
+    pl_line(-200, 1000, -200, -1000);
+    pl_line(0, 1000, 0, -1000);
+    pl_line(200, 1000, 200, -1000);
+    pl_line(400, 1000, 400, -1000);
 
     /* Circles radius +250 on "center" */
 
-    linemod("solid");
-    circle(-400, 0, 250);
-    circle(-400, 0, 500);
-    circle(-400, 0, 750);
-    circle(-400, 0, 1000);
+    pl_linemod("solid");
+    pl_circle(-400, 0, 250);
+    pl_circle(-400, 0, 500);
+    pl_circle(-400, 0, 750);
+    pl_circle(-400, 0, 1000);
 
     /* A few labels */
 
-    move(-670, 1075);
-    label("- THE PHANTASIA UNIVERSE -");
-    line(-630, 1045, -115, 1045);
-    move(-360, 80);
-    label("Lorien");
-    move(-385, -100);
-    label("Ithilien");
-    move(-560, 80);
-    label("Rohan");
-    move(-580, -100);
-    label("Anorien");
+    pl_move(-670, 1075);
+    pl_label("- THE PHANTASIA UNIVERSE -");
+    pl_line(-630, 1045, -115, 1045);
+    pl_move(-360, 80);
+    pl_label("Lorien");
+    pl_move(-385, -100);
+    pl_label("Ithilien");
+    pl_move(-560, 80);
+    pl_label("Rohan");
+    pl_move(-580, -100);
+    pl_label("Anorien");
     plusplus("Rovanion", -250, 320);
     plusplus("The Iron Hills", -100, 560);
     plusplus("Rhun", 250, 570);
@@ -80,82 +88,80 @@ main()
     plusminus("Mordor", -180, -300);
     plusminus("Khand", 0, -500);
     plusminus("Near Harad", 40, -780);
-    move(340, 900);
-    label("The Moors");
-    move(300, 840);
-    label("Adventurous");
-    move(340, -840);
-    label("The Moors");
-    move(300, -900);
-    label("Adventurous");
-    move(-1340, 900);
-    label("The Moors");
-    move(-1340, 840);
-    label("Adventurous");
-    move(-1340, -840);
-    label("The Moors");
-    move(-1340, -900);
-    label("Adventurous");
-    move(700, 1000);
-    label("OUTER CIRCLES:");
-    line(690, 970, 1000, 970);
-    move(700, 900);
-    label("> 9:  The Outer Waste");
-    move(700, 800);
-    label("> 20: The Dead Marshes");
-    move(700, 700);
-    label("> 35: Kennaquhair");
-    move(700, 600);
-    label("> 55: Morannon");
-    move(700, 300);
-    label("(0,0): The Lord's Chamber");
-
-    move(700, -400);
-    label("Grid squares are 100 x 100");
-    move(700, -800);
-    label("Created by Ted Estes");
-    move(700, -860);
-    label("Plotted by Chris Robertson");
-    move(700, -920);
-    label(" c  1985");
-    circle(723, -923, 20);
+    pl_move(340, 900);
+    pl_label("The Moors");
+    pl_move(300, 840);
+    pl_label("Adventurous");
+    pl_move(340, -840);
+    pl_label("The Moors");
+    pl_move(300, -900);
+    pl_label("Adventurous");
+    pl_move(-1340, 900);
+    pl_label("The Moors");
+    pl_move(-1340, 840);
+    pl_label("Adventurous");
+    pl_move(-1340, -840);
+    pl_label("The Moors");
+    pl_move(-1340, -900);
+    pl_label("Adventurous");
+    pl_move(700, 1000);
+    pl_label("OUTER CIRCLES:");
+    pl_line(690, 970, 1000, 970);
+    pl_move(700, 900);
+    pl_label("> 9:  The Outer Waste");
+    pl_move(700, 800);
+    pl_label("> 20: The Dead Marshes");
+    pl_move(700, 700);
+    pl_label("> 35: Kennaquhair");
+    pl_move(700, 600);
+    pl_label("> 55: Morannon");
+    pl_move(700, 300);
+    pl_label("(0,0): The Lord's Chamber");
+
+    pl_move(700, -400);
+    pl_label("Grid squares are 100 x 100");
+    pl_move(700, -800);
+    pl_label("Created by Ted Estes");
+    pl_move(700, -860);
+    pl_label("Plotted by Chris Robertson");
+    pl_move(700, -920);
+    pl_label(" c  1985");
+    pl_circle(723, -923, 20);
 
     /* Close down */
 
-    move(-1380, 1180);
-    closepl();
+    pl_move(-1380, 1180);
+    pl_closepl();
     exit(0);
 }
 
-plusplus(s, x, y)	/* draw strings in plus plus quadrant */
-char	*s;
-int	x, y;
+void
+plusplus(char *s, int x, int y)	/* draw strings in plus plus quadrant */
 {
 char	s1[2];
 
     while (*s)
 	{
-	move(x, y);
+	pl_move(x, y);
 	s1[0] = *s++;
 	s1[1] = '\0';
-	label(s1);
+	pl_label(s1);
 	x += 25;
 	y -= 30;
 	}
 }
 
-plusminus(s, x, y)	/* draw strings in plus minus quadrant */
-char	*s;
-int	x, y;
+void
+plusminus(char *s, int x, int y)	/* draw strings in plus minus quadrant */
 {
 char	s1[2];
 
     while (*s)
 	{
-	move(x, y);
+	pl_move(x, y);
 	s1[0] = *s++;
 	s1[1] = '\0';
-	label(s1);
+	pl_label(s1);
 	x += 25;
 	y += 30;
 	}
diff --git a/pig/Makefile b/pig/Makefile
index 0932b165..497efad9 100644
--- a/pig/Makefile
+++ b/pig/Makefile
@@ -3,5 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	pig
 MAN=	pig.6
+SRCS=	pig.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/pom/Makefile b/pom/Makefile
index 755f2ea1..686f4655 100644
--- a/pom/Makefile
+++ b/pom/Makefile
@@ -3,7 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	pom
 MAN=	pom.6
-DPADD=	${LIBM}
-LDADD=	-lm
+SRCS=	pom.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/ppt/Makefile b/ppt/Makefile
index 800c6a2f..0b58797d 100644
--- a/ppt/Makefile
+++ b/ppt/Makefile
@@ -1,10 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.6 2002/09/18 06:16:41 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
 PROG=		ppt
-HIDEGAME=	hidegame
+SRCS=		ppt.c
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/primes/Makefile b/primes/Makefile
index 8ed845cd..e0f0dad6 100644
--- a/primes/Makefile
+++ b/primes/Makefile
@@ -4,7 +4,18 @@
 PROG=		primes
 SRCS=		pattern.c pr_tbl.c primes.c spsp.c
 MAN=		primes.6
-DPADD=		${LIBM}
-LDADD=		-lm
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/quiz/Makefile b/quiz/Makefile
index 3832ad43..54afe386 100644
--- a/quiz/Makefile
+++ b/quiz/Makefile
@@ -1,19 +1,29 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.13 1999/02/13 02:54:22 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	quiz
 MAN=	quiz.6
 SRCS=	quiz.c rxp.c
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
 CATS=	africa america areas arith asia babies bard chinese collectives \
 	ed elements europe flowers greek inca index latin locomotive \
 	midearth morse mult murders poetry posneg pres province seq-easy \
 	seq-hard sexes sov spell state trek ucc
-FILES= ${CATS:S@^@${.CURDIR}/datfiles/@}
+FILES= $(addprefix datfiles/,$(CATS))
 FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/quiz.db
-.endif
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/rain/Makefile b/rain/Makefile
index 7f85034b..0f8a9224 100644
--- a/rain/Makefile
+++ b/rain/Makefile
@@ -3,7 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	rain
 MAN=	rain.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
+SRCS=	rain.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/random/Makefile b/random/Makefile
index a7fe642e..cad8a5de 100644
--- a/random/Makefile
+++ b/random/Makefile
@@ -3,5 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	random
 MAN=	random.6
+SRCS=	random.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/robots/Makefile b/robots/Makefile
index 6eb8f593..293ea7d8 100644
--- a/robots/Makefile
+++ b/robots/Makefile
@@ -6,9 +6,19 @@ CPPFLAGS+=-DMAX_PER_UID=5
 SRCS=	auto.c extern.c init_field.c main.c make_level.c move.c move_robs.c \
 	play_level.c query.c rnd_pos.c score.c flush_in.c
 MAN=	robots.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CPPFLAGS) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/var/games
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/rogue/Makefile b/rogue/Makefile
index e46f5173..07b115de 100644
--- a/rogue/Makefile
+++ b/rogue/Makefile
@@ -6,15 +6,20 @@ CPPFLAGS+=-DUNIX
 SRCS=	hit.c init.c inventory.c level.c machdep.c main.c \
 	message.c monster.c move.c object.c pack.c play.c random.c ring.c \
 	room.c save.c score.c spec_hit.c throw.c trap.c use.c zap.c
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 MAN=	rogue.6
 
-SUBDIR.roff+=USD.doc
+all: $(PROG)
 
-COPTS.score.c+=	${GCC_NO_FORMAT_TRUNCATION}
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CPPFLAGS) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/var/games
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/rogue/USD.doc/Makefile b/rogue/USD.doc/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index 4e0bf2e8..00000000
--- a/rogue/USD.doc/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.7 2014/07/05 19:22:42 dholland Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/8/93
-
-SECTION=reference/ref6
-ARTICLE=rogue
-SRCS=	rogue.me
-MACROS=	-me
-ROFF_TBL=yes
-
-.include <bsd.doc.mk>
diff --git a/rogue/USD.doc/rogue.me b/rogue/USD.doc/rogue.me
deleted file mode 100644
index b1592dd2..00000000
--- a/rogue/USD.doc/rogue.me
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,834 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: rogue.me,v 1.6 2004/02/13 11:36:08 wiz Exp $
-.\"
-.\" Copyright (c) 1986, 1993
-.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\"    without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\"	@(#)rogue.me	8.2 (Berkeley) 6/1/94
-.\"
-.ds E \s-2<ESCAPE>\s0
-.ds R \s-2<RETURN>\s0
-.ds U \s-2UNIX\s0
-.ie t .ds _ \d\(mi\u
-.el .ds _ _
-.de Cs
-\&\\$3\*(lq\\$1\*(rq\\$2
-..
-.sp 5
-.ce 1000
-.ps +4
-.vs +4p
-.b
-A Guide to the Dungeons of Doom
-.r
-.vs
-.ps
-.sp 2
-.i
-Michael C. Toy
-Kenneth C. R. C. Arnold
-.r
-.sp 2
-Computer Systems Research Group
-Department of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science
-University of California
-Berkeley, California  94720
-.sp 4
-.i ABSTRACT
-.ce 0
-.(b I F
-.bi Rogue
-is a visual CRT based fantasy game
-which runs under the \*U\(dg timesharing system.
-.(f
-\fR\(dg\*U is a trademark of Bell Laboratories\fP
-.)f
-This paper describes how to play rogue,
-and gives a few hints
-for those who might otherwise get lost in the Dungeons of Doom.
-.)b
-\".he '''\fBA Guide to the Dungeons of Doom\fP'
-\" .fo ''- % -''
-.eh 'USD:30-%''A Guide to the Dungeons of Doom'
-.oh 'A Guide to the Dungeons of Doom''USD:30-%'
-.sh 1 Introduction
-.pp
-You have just finished your years as a student at the local fighter's guild.
-After much practice and sweat you have finally completed your training
-and are ready to embark upon a perilous adventure.
-As a test of your skills,
-the local guildmasters have sent you into the Dungeons of Doom.
-Your task is to return with the Amulet of Yendor.
-Your reward for the completion of this task
-will be a full membership in the local guild.
-In addition,
-you are allowed to keep all the loot you bring back from the dungeons.
-.pp
-In preparation for your journey,
-you are given an enchanted mace,
-a bow, and a quiver of arrows
-taken from a dragon's hoard in the far off Dark Mountains.
-You are also outfitted with elf-crafted armor
-and given enough food to reach the dungeons.
-You say goodbye to family and friends for what may be the last time
-and head up the road.
-.pp
-You set out on your way to the dungeons
-and after several days of uneventful travel,
-you see the ancient ruins
-that mark the entrance to the Dungeons of Doom.
-It is late at night,
-so you make camp at the entrance
-and spend the night sleeping under the open skies.
-In the morning you gather your weapons,
-put on your armor,
-eat what is almost your last food,
-and enter the dungeons.
-.sh 1 "What is going on here?"
-.pp
-You have just begun a game of rogue.
-Your goal is to grab as much treasure as you can,
-find the Amulet of Yendor,
-and get out of the Dungeons of Doom alive.
-On the screen,
-a map of where you have been
-and what you have seen on the current dungeon level is kept.
-As you explore more of the level,
-it appears on the screen in front of you.
-.pp
-Rogue differs from most computer fantasy games in that it is screen oriented.
-Commands are all one or two keystrokes\**
-.(f
-\** As opposed to pseudo English sentences.
-.)f
-and the results of your commands
-are displayed graphically on the screen rather
-than being explained in words.\**
-.(f
-\** A minimum screen size of 24 lines by 80 columns is required.
-If the screen is larger, only the 24x80 section will be used
-for the map.
-.)f
-.pp
-Another major difference between rogue and other computer fantasy games
-is that once you have solved all the puzzles in a standard fantasy game,
-it has lost most of its excitement and it ceases to be fun.
-Rogue,
-on the other hand,
-generates a new dungeon every time you play it
-and even the author finds it an entertaining and exciting game.
-.sh 1 "What do all those things on the screen mean?"
-.pp
-In order to understand what is going on in rogue
-you have to first get some grasp of what rogue is doing with the screen.
-The rogue screen is intended
-to replace the \*(lqYou can see ...\*(rq descriptions
-of standard fantasy games.
-Figure 1 is a sample of what a rogue screen might look like.
-.(z
-.hl
-.nf
-.TS
-center;
-ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce0 ce.
--	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
-|	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	+
-|	.	.	@	.	.	.	.	]	.	.	|
-|	.	.	.	.	B	.	.	.	.	.	|
-|	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	|
--	-	-	-	-	+	-	-	-	-	-	-
-.TE
-
-
-.ce 1000
-Level: 1  Gold: 0      Hp: 12(12)  Str: 16(16)  Arm: 4  Exp: 1/0
-
-Figure 1
-.ce
-.hl
-.)z
-.sh 2 "The bottom line"
-.pp
-At the bottom line of the screen
-are a few pieces of cryptic information
-describing your current status.
-Here is an explanation of what these things mean:
-.ip Level \w'Level\ \ 'u
-This number indicates how deep you have gone in the dungeon.
-It starts at one and goes up as you go deeper into the dungeon.
-.ip Gold \w'Level\ \ 'u
-The number of gold pieces you have managed to find
-and keep with you so far.
-.ip Hp \w'Level\ \ 'u
-Your current and maximum health points.
-Health points indicate how much damage you can take before you die.
-The more you get hit in a fight,
-the lower they get.
-You can regain health points by resting.
-The number in parentheses
-is the maximum number your health points can reach.
-.ip Str \w'Level\ \ 'u
-Your current strength and maximum ever strength.
-This can be any integer less than or equal to 99,
-or greater than or equal to 1.
-The higher the number,
-the stronger you are.
-The number in the parentheses
-is the maximum strength you have attained so far this game.
-.ip Arm \w'Level\ \ 'u
-Your current armor protection.
-This number indicates how effective your armor is
-in stopping blows from unfriendly creatures.
-The higher this number is,
-the more effective the armor.
-.ip Exp \w'Level\ \ 'u
-These two numbers give your current experience level
-and experience points.
-As you do things,
-you gain experience points.
-At certain experience point totals,
-you gain an experience level.
-The more experienced you are,
-the better you are able to fight and to withstand magical attacks.
-.sh 2 "The top line"
-.pp
-The top line of the screen is reserved
-for printing messages that describe things
-that are impossible to represent visually.
-If you see a \*(lq--More--\*(rq on the top line,
-this means that rogue wants to print another message on the screen,
-but it wants to make certain
-that you have read the one that is there first.
-To read the next message,
-just type a space.
-.sh 2 "The rest of the screen"
-.pp
-The rest of the screen is the map of the level
-as you have explored it so far.
-Each symbol on the screen represents something.
-Here is a list of what the various symbols mean:
-.ip @
-This symbol represents you, the adventurer.
-.ip "-\^|"
-These symbols represent the walls of rooms.
-.ip +
-A door to/from a room.
-.ip .
-The floor of a room.
-.ip #
-The floor of a passage between rooms.
-.ip *
-A pile or pot of gold.
-.ip )
-A weapon of some sort.
-.ip ]
-A piece of armor.
-.ip !
-A flask containing a magic potion.
-.ip ?
-A piece of paper, usually a magic scroll.
-.ip =
-A ring with magic properties
-.ip /
-A magical staff or wand
-.ip ^
-A trap, watch out for these.
-.ip %
-A staircase to other levels
-.ip :
-A piece of food.
-.ip A-Z
-The uppercase letters
-represent the various inhabitants of the Dungeons of Doom.
-Watch out, they can be nasty and vicious.
-.sh 1 Commands
-.pp
-Commands are given to rogue by typing one or two characters.
-Most commands can be preceded by a count to repeat them
-(e.g. typing 
-.Cs 10s
-will do ten searches).
-Commands for which counts make no sense
-have the count ignored.
-To cancel a count or a prefix,
-type \*E.
-The list of commands is rather long,
-but it can be read at any time during the game with the
-.Cs ?
-command.
-Here it is for reference,
-with a short explanation of each command.
-.ip ?
-The help command.
-Asks for a character to give help on.
-If you type a
-.Cs * ,
-it will list all the commands,
-otherwise it will explain what the character you typed does.
-.ip /
-This is the \*(lqWhat is that on the screen?\*(rq command.
-A
-.Cs /
-followed by any character that you see on the level,
-will tell you what that character is.
-For instance,
-typing
-.Cs /@
-will tell you that the
-.Cs @
-symbol represents you, the player.
-.ip "h, H, ^H"
-Move left.
-You move one space to the left.
-If you use upper case
-.Cs h ,
-you will continue to move left until you run into something.
-This works for all movement commands
-(e.g.
-.Cs L
-means run in direction 
-.Cs l )
-If you use the \*(lqcontrol\*(rq
-.Cs h ,
-you will continue moving in the specified direction
-until you pass something interesting or run into a wall.
-You should experiment with this,
-since it is a very useful command,
-but very difficult to describe.
-This also works for all movement commands.
-.ip j
-Move down.
-.ip k
-Move up.
-.ip l
-Move right.
-.ip y
-Move diagonally up and left.
-.ip u
-Move diagonally up and right.
-.ip b
-Move diagonally down and left.
-.ip n
-Move diagonally down and right.
-.ip t
-Throw an object.
-This is a prefix command.
-When followed with a direction
-it throws an object in the specified direction.
-(e.g. type
-.Cs th
-to throw
-something to the left.)
-.ip f
-Fight until someone dies.
-When followed with a direction
-this will force you to fight the creature in that direction
-until either you or it bites the big one.
-.ip m
-Move onto something without picking it up.
-This will move you one space in the direction you specify and,
-if there is an object there you can pick up,
-it won't do it.
-.ip z
-Zap prefix.
-Point a staff or wand in a given direction
-and fire it.
-Even non-directional staves must be pointed in some direction
-to be used.
-.ip ^
-Identify trap command.
-If a trap is on your map
-and you can't remember what type it is,
-you can get rogue to remind you
-by getting next to it and typing
-.Cs ^
-followed by the direction that would move you on top of it.
-.ip s
-Search for traps and secret doors.
-Examine each space immediately adjacent to you
-for the existence of a trap or secret door.
-There is a large chance that even if there is something there,
-you won't find it,
-so you might have to search a while before you find something.
-.ip >
-Climb down a staircase to the next level.
-Not surprisingly, this can only be done if you are standing on staircase.
-.ip <
-Climb up a staircase to the level above.
-This can't be done without the Amulet of Yendor in your possession.
-.ip "."
-Rest.
-This is the \*(lqdo nothing\*(rq command.
-This is good for waiting and healing.
-.ip ,
-Pick up something.
-This picks up whatever you are currently standing on,
-if you are standing on anything at all.
-.ip i
-Inventory.
-List what you are carrying in your pack.
-.ip I
-Selective inventory.
-Tells you what a single item in your pack is.
-.ip q
-Quaff one of the potions you are carrying.
-.ip r
-Read one of the scrolls in your pack.
-.ip e
-Eat food from your pack.
-.ip w
-Wield a weapon.
-Take a weapon out of your pack and carry it for use in combat,
-replacing the one you are currently using (if any).
-.ip W
-Wear armor.
-You can only wear one suit of armor at a time.
-This takes extra time.
-.ip T
-Take armor off.
-You can't remove armor that is cursed.
-This takes extra time.
-.ip P
-Put on a ring.
-You can wear only two rings at a time
-(one on each hand).
-If you aren't wearing any rings,
-this command will ask you which hand you want to wear it on,
-otherwise, it will place it on the unused hand.
-The program assumes that you wield your sword in your right hand.
-.ip R
-Remove a ring.
-If you are only wearing one ring,
-this command takes it off.
-If you are wearing two,
-it will ask you which one you wish to remove,
-.ip d
-Drop an object.
-Take something out of your pack and leave it lying on the floor.
-Only one object can occupy each space.
-You cannot drop a cursed object at all
-if you are wielding or wearing it.
-.ip c
-Call an object something.
-If you have a type of object in your pack
-which you wish to remember something about,
-you can use the call command to give a name to that type of object.
-This is usually used when you figure out what a
-potion, scroll, ring, or staff is
-after you pick it up but before it is truly identified.  Each type of
-scroll and potion will become identified after its first use.
-.ip o
-Examine and set options.
-This command is further explained in the section on options.
-.ip ^R
-Redraws the screen.
-Useful if spurious messages or transmission errors
-have messed up the display.
-.ip ^P
-Print last message.
-Useful when a message disappears before you can read it.
-Consecutive repetitions of this command will reveal the last
-five messages.
-.ip \*E
-Cancel a command, prefix, or count.
-.ip !
-Escape to a shell for some commands.
-.ip Q
-Quit.
-Leave the game.
-.ip S
-Save the current game in a file.
-It will ask you whether you wish to use the default save file.
-.i Caveat :
-Rogue won't let you start up a copy of a saved game,
-and it removes the save file as soon as you start up a restored game.
-This is to prevent people from saving a game just before a dangerous position
-and then restarting it if they die.
-To restore a saved game,
-give the file name as an argument to rogue.
-As in
-.ti +1i
-.nf
-% rogue \fIsave\*_file\fP
-.ip v
-Prints the program version number.
-.ip )
-Print the weapon you are currently wielding
-.ip ]
-Print the armor you are currently wearing
-.ip =
-Print the rings you are currently wearing
-.sh 1 Rooms
-.pp
-Rooms in the dungeons are lit as you enter them.
-Upon leaving a room,
-all monsters inside the room are erased from the screen.
-In the darkness of a corridor, you can only see one space
-in all directions around you.
-.sh 1 Fighting
-.pp
-If you see a monster and you wish to fight it,
-just attempt to run into it.
-Many times a monster you find will mind its own business
-unless you attack it.
-It is often the case that discretion is the better part of valor.
-.sh 1 "Objects you can find"
-.pp
-When you find something in the dungeon,
-it is common to want to pick the object up.
-This is accomplished in rogue by walking over the object
-(unless you use the
-.Cs m
-prefix, see above).
-If you are carrying too many things,
-the program will tell you and it won't pick up the object,
-otherwise it will add it to your pack
-and tell you what you just picked up.
-.pp
-Many of the commands that operate on objects must prompt you
-to find out which object you want to use.
-If you change your mind and don't want to do that command after all,
-just type an \*E and the command will be aborted.
-.pp
-Some objects, like armor and weapons,
-are easily differentiated.
-Others, like scrolls and potions,
-are given labels which vary according to type.
-During a game,
-any two of the same kind of object
-with the same label
-are the same type.
-However,
-the labels will vary from game to game.
-.pp
-When you use one of these labeled objects,
-if its effect may be obvious.  Potions or scrolls will
-become identified at this point, but not other items.
-You may want to call these other items something
-so you will recognize it later,
-you can use the
-.Cs call
-command
-(see above).
-.sh 2 Weapons
-.pp
-Some weapons,
-like arrows,
-come in bunches,
-but most come one at a time.
-In order to use a weapon,
-you must wield it.
-To fire an arrow out of a bow,
-you must first wield the bow,
-then throw the arrow.
-You can only wield one weapon at a time,
-but you can't change weapons if the one
-you are currently wielding is cursed.
-The commands to use weapons are
-.Cs w
-(wield)
-and
-.Cs t
-(throw).
-.sh 2 Armor
-.pp
-There are various sorts of armor lying around in the dungeon.
-Some of it is enchanted,
-some is cursed,
-and some is just normal.
-Different armor types have different armor protection.
-The higher the armor protection,
-the more protection the armor affords against the blows of monsters.
-Here is a list of the various armor types and their normal armor protection:
-.(b
-.TS
-box center;
-l r.
-\ \ \fIType	Protection\fP
-None	0
-Leather armor	2
-Studded leather / Ring mail	3
-Scale mail	4
-Chain mail	5
-Banded mail / Splint mail	6
-Plate mail	7
-.TE
-.)b
-.lp
-If a piece of armor is enchanted,
-its armor protection will be higher than normal.
-If a suit of armor is cursed,
-its armor protection will be lower,
-and you will not be able to remove it.
-However, not all armor with a protection that is lower than normal is cursed.
-.pp
-The commands to use weapons are
-.Cs W
-(wear)
-and
-.Cs T
-(take off).
-.sh 2 Scrolls
-.pp
-Scrolls come with titles in an unknown tongue\**.
-.(f
-\** Actually, it's a dialect spoken only by the twenty-seven members
-of a tribe in Outer Mongolia,
-but you're not supposed to
-.i know
-that.
-.)f
-After you read a scroll,
-it disappears from your pack.
-The command to use a scroll is
-.Cs r
-(read).
-.sh 2 Potions
-.pp
-Potions are labeled by the color of the liquid inside the flask.
-They disappear after being quaffed.
-The command to quaff a potion is
-.Cs q
-(quaff).
-.sh 2 "Staves and Wands"
-.pp
-Staves and wands do the same kinds of things.
-Staves are identified by a type of wood;
-wands by a type of metal or bone.
-They are generally things you want to do to something
-over a long distance,
-so you must point them at what you wish to affect
-to use them.
-Some staves are not affected by the direction they are pointed, though.
-Staves come with multiple magic charges,
-the number being random,
-and when they are used up,
-the staff is just a piece of wood or metal.
-.pp
-The command to use a wand or staff is
-.Cs z
-(zap)
-.sh 2 Rings
-.pp
-Rings are very useful items,
-since they are relatively permanent magic,
-unlike the usually fleeting effects of potions, scrolls, and staves.
-Of course,
-the bad rings are also more powerful.
-Most rings also cause you to use up food more rapidly,
-the rate varying with the type of ring.
-Rings are differentiated by their stone settings.
-The commands to use rings are
-.Cs P
-(put on)
-and
-.Cs R
-(remove).
-.sh 2 Food
-.pp
-Food is necessary to keep you going.
-If you go too long without eating you will faint,
-and eventually die of starvation.
-The command to use food is
-.Cs e
-(eat).
-.sh 1 Options
-.pp
-Due to variations in personal tastes
-and conceptions of the way rogue should do things,
-there are a set of options you can set
-that cause rogue to behave in various different ways.
-.ne 1i
-.sh 2 "Setting the options"
-.pp
-There are two ways to set the options.
-The first is with the
-.Cs o
-command of rogue;
-the second is with the
-.Cs ROGUEOPTS
-environment variable\**.
-.(f
-\** On Version 6 systems,
-there is no equivalent of the ROGUEOPTS feature.
-.br
-.)f
-.br
-.sh 3 "Using the `o' command"
-.pp
-When you type
-.Cs o
-in rogue,
-it clears the screen
-and displays the current settings for all the options.
-It then places the cursor by the value of the first option
-and waits for you to type.
-You can type a \*R
-which means to go to the next option,
-a
-.Cs \-
-which means to go to the previous option,
-an \*E
-which means to return to the game,
-or you can give the option a value.
-For boolean options this merely involves typing
-.Cs t
-for true or
-.Cs f
-for false.
-For string options,
-type the new value followed by a \*R.
-.sh 3 "Using the ROGUEOPTS variable"
-.pp
-The ROGUEOPTS variable is a string
-containing a comma separated list of initial values
-for the various options.
-Boolean variables can be turned on by listing their name
-or turned off by putting a
-.Cs no
-in front of the name.
-Thus to set up an environment variable so that
-.b jump
-is on,
-.b passgo
-is off,
-and the
-.b name
-is set to \*(lqBlue Meanie\*(rq,
-use the command
-.nf
-.ti +3n
-% setenv ROGUEOPTS "jump,nopassgo,name=Blue Meanie"\**
-.fi
-.(f
-\**
-For those of you who use the Bourne shell sh (1), the commands would be
-.in +3
-.nf
-$ ROGUEOPTS="jump,nopassgo,name=Blue Meanie"
-$ export ROGUEOPTS
-.fi
-.in +0
-.)f
-.sh 2 "Option list"
-.pp
-Here is a list of the options
-and an explanation of what each one is for.
-The default value for each is enclosed in square brackets.
-For character string options,
-input over forty characters will be ignored.
-.ip "\fBjump\fP [\fI\^nojump\^\fP]"
-If this option is set,
-running moves will not be displayed
-until you reach the end of the move.
-This saves considerable CPU and display time.
-This option defaults to
-.i jump
-if you are using a slow terminal.
-.ip "\fBpassgo\fP [\fI\^nopassgo\^\fP]"
-Follow turnings in passageways.
-If you run in a passage
-and you run into stone or a wall,
-rogue will see if it can turn to the right or left.
-If it can only turn one way,
-it will turn that way.
-If it can turn either or neither,
-it will stop.
-This algorithm can sometimes lead to slightly confusing occurrences
-which is why it defaults to \fInopassgo\fP.
-.ip "\fBskull\fP [\fI\^skull\^\fP]"
-Print out the skull at the end if you get killed.
-This is nice but slow, so you can turn it off if you like.
-.ip "\fBname\fP [account name]"
-This is the name of your character.
-It is used if you get on the top ten scorer's list.
-.ip "\fBfruit\fP [\fI\^slime-mold\^\fP]"
-This should hold the name of a fruit that you enjoy eating.
-It is basically a whimsey that rogue uses in a couple of places.
-.ip "\fBfile\fP [\fI\^~/rogue.save\^\fP]"
-The default file name for saving the game.
-If your phone is hung up by accident,
-rogue will automatically save the game in this file.
-The file name may start with the special character
-.Cs ~
-which expands to be your home directory.
-.sh 1 Scoring
-.pp
-Rogue maintains a list
-of the top scoring people or scores on your machine.
-If you score higher than someone else on this list,
-or better your previous score on the list,
-you will be inserted in the proper place
-under your current name.
-.pp
-If you quit the game, you get out with all of your gold intact.
-If, however, you get killed in the Dungeons of Doom,
-your body is forwarded to your next-of-kin,
-along with 90% of your gold;
-ten percent of your gold is kept by the Dungeons' wizard as a fee\**.
-.(f
-\** The Dungeon's wizard is named Wally the Wonder Badger.
-Invocations should be accompanied by a sizable donation.
-.)f
-This should make you consider whether you want to take one last hit
-at that monster and possibly live,
-or quit and thus stop with whatever you have.
-If you quit, you do get all your gold,
-but if you swing and live, you might find more.
-.pp
-If you just want to see what the current top players/games list is,
-you can type
-.ti +1i
-.nf
-% rogue \-s
-.br
-.sh 1 Acknowledgements
-.pp
-Rogue was originally conceived of by Glenn Wichman and Michael Toy.
-Ken Arnold and Michael Toy then smoothed out the user interface,
-and added jillions of new features.
-We would like to thank
-Bob Arnold,
-Michelle Busch,
-Andy Hatcher,
-Kipp Hickman,
-Mark Horton,
-Daniel Jensen,
-Bill Joy,
-Joe Kalash,
-Steve Maurer,
-Marty McNary,
-Jan Miller,
-and
-Scott Nelson
-for their ideas and assistance;
-and also the teeming multitudes
-who graciously ignored work, school, and social life to play rogue
-and send us bugs, complaints, suggestions, and just plain flames.
-And also Mom.
-.pp
-The public domain version of rogue now distributed with Berkeley UNIX
-was written by Timothy Stoehr.
diff --git a/rogue/machdep.c b/rogue/machdep.c
index e6d6292d..e80327e5 100644
--- a/rogue/machdep.c
+++ b/rogue/machdep.c
@@ -99,6 +99,7 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: machdep.c,v 1.20 2012/12/01 11:37:27 mbalmer Exp $");
 #include <sys/file.h>
 #include <sys/stat.h>
 #include <pwd.h>
+#include <time.h>
 
 #ifdef UNIX_BSD4_2
 #include <sys/time.h>
diff --git a/rogue/play.c b/rogue/play.c
index 04f8a89f..0527df3e 100644
--- a/rogue/play.c
+++ b/rogue/play.c
@@ -55,6 +55,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: play.c,v 1.10 2019/02/03 03:19:25 mrg Exp $");
 
 #include "rogue.h"
 
+#define	__unreachable()	__builtin_unreachable()
+
 boolean interrupted = 0;
 
 static const char unknown_command[] = "unknown command";
diff --git a/sail/Makefile b/sail/Makefile
index 44eacc60..6d50ae19 100644
--- a/sail/Makefile
+++ b/sail/Makefile
@@ -6,12 +6,19 @@ SRCS=	main.c pl_main.c pl_1.c pl_2.c pl_3.c pl_4.c pl_5.c pl_6.c pl_7.c \
 	dr_main.c dr_1.c dr_2.c dr_3.c dr_4.c dr_5.c lo_main.c \
 	assorted.c game.c globals.c misc.c parties.c sync.c array.c version.c
 MAN=	sail.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 
-COPTS.pl_7.c+=	-Wno-format-nonliteral
-COPTS.sync.c+=	-Wno-format-nonliteral
+all: $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/var/games
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/sail/array.h b/sail/array.h
index d6545df0..2a564244 100644
--- a/sail/array.h
+++ b/sail/array.h
@@ -30,6 +30,14 @@
 #ifndef ARRAY_H
 #define ARRAY_H
 
+#if defined(__GNUC__) && defined(__GNUC_STDC_INLINE__)
+#define	__c99inline	extern __attribute__((__gnu_inline__)) __inline
+#elif defined(__GNUC__)
+#define	__c99inline	extern __inline
+#elif defined(__STDC_VERSION__) || defined(__lint__)
+#define	__c99inline	__inline
+#endif
+
 #define ARRAYS_CHECKED
 
 #ifdef ARRAYS_CHECKED
diff --git a/snake/Makefile b/snake/Makefile
index df4495b4..706c5b2a 100644
--- a/snake/Makefile
+++ b/snake/Makefile
@@ -2,5 +2,11 @@
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
 SUBDIR=	snake snscore
+TOPTARGETS= all clean install
 
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+$(TOPTARGETS): $(SUBDIR)
+
+$(SUBDIR):
+	$(MAKE) -C $@ $(MAKECMDGOALS)
+
+.PHONY: $(TOPTARGETS) $(SUBDIR)
diff --git a/snake/snake/Makefile b/snake/snake/Makefile
index 7855c2f5..131ba12d 100644
--- a/snake/snake/Makefile
+++ b/snake/snake/Makefile
@@ -4,10 +4,19 @@
 PROG=	snake
 SRCS=	snake.c
 MAN=	snake.6
-DPADD=	${LIBM} ${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lm -lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/var/games
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/snake/snscore/Makefile b/snake/snscore/Makefile
index 7041fb46..945b34d5 100644
--- a/snake/snscore/Makefile
+++ b/snake/snscore/Makefile
@@ -1,11 +1,19 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.7 2002/09/18 06:16:41 lukem Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-NOMAN=		# defined
-
 PROG=		snscore
-CPPFLAGS+=	-I${.CURDIR}/../snake
-HIDEGAME=	hidegame
+SRCS=		snscore.c
+
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -I../snake
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
 
-.include "../../Makefile.inc"
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/testpat/Makefile b/testpat/Makefile
index 675cd9b7..40a1d702 100644
--- a/testpat/Makefile
+++ b/testpat/Makefile
@@ -2,7 +2,19 @@
 
 PROG=  testpat
 MAN=   testpat.6
-DPADD=	${LIBMATH} ${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lm -lterminfo
+SRCS=  testpat.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/testpat/testpat.c b/testpat/testpat.c
index c54908ba..327da7eb 100644
--- a/testpat/testpat.c
+++ b/testpat/testpat.c
@@ -40,6 +40,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: testpat.c,v 1.4 2021/01/08 15:16:04 christos Exp $");
 #include <string.h>
 #include <time.h>
 
+#define __arraycount(a) (sizeof(a) / sizeof(*(a)))
+
 static int colour_list[6] = {
 	COLOR_YELLOW,
 	COLOR_CYAN,
diff --git a/tetris/Makefile b/tetris/Makefile
index 43112240..aeda79a9 100644
--- a/tetris/Makefile
+++ b/tetris/Makefile
@@ -4,12 +4,19 @@
 PROG=	tetris
 SRCS=	input.c screen.c shapes.c scores.c tetris.c
 MAN=	tetris.6
-DPADD=	${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 
-COPTS.tetris.c+=	${GCC_NO_FORMAT_TRUNCATION}
-COPTS.scores.c+=	${GCC_NO_FORMAT_TRUNCATION}
+all: $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)/var/games
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/tetris/input.c b/tetris/input.c
index e5f8c12a..65741e5c 100644
--- a/tetris/input.c
+++ b/tetris/input.c
@@ -48,6 +48,8 @@
 #include "input.h"
 #include "tetris.h"
 
+#define INFTIM (-1)
+
 /* return true iff the given timeval is positive */
 #define	TV_POS(tv) \
 	((tv)->tv_sec > 0 || ((tv)->tv_sec == 0 && (tv)->tv_usec > 0))
diff --git a/tetris/scores.c b/tetris/scores.c
index 1335df7b..dc791612 100644
--- a/tetris/scores.c
+++ b/tetris/scores.c
@@ -58,6 +58,8 @@
 #include "scores.h"
 #include "tetris.h"
 
+#include <libkern/OSByteOrder.h>
+
 /*
  * Allow updating the high scores unless we're built as part of /rescue.
  */
@@ -220,9 +222,9 @@ scorefile_probe(int sd)
 	}
 
 	/* None was a valid level; try opposite endian */
-	offset64 = bswap32(offset64);
-	offset60 = bswap32(offset60);
-	offset56 = bswap32(offset56);
+	offset64 = OSSwapInt32(offset64);
+	offset60 = OSSwapInt32(offset60);
+	offset56 = OSSwapInt32(offset56);
 
 	if (offset64 >= MINLEVEL && offset64 <= MAXLEVEL) {
 		/* 40-byte structure */
@@ -267,7 +269,7 @@ static int32_t
 read32(int32_t val, int doflip)
 {
 	if (doflip) {
-		val = bswap32(val);
+		val = OSSwapInt32(val);
 	}
 	return val;
 }
@@ -276,7 +278,7 @@ static int64_t
 read64(int64_t val, int doflip)
 {
 	if (doflip) {
-		val = bswap64(val);
+		val = OSSwapInt64(val);
 	}
 	return val;
 }
diff --git a/tetris/screen.c b/tetris/screen.c
index bc065aaa..d723b54e 100644
--- a/tetris/screen.c
+++ b/tetris/screen.c
@@ -50,6 +50,8 @@
 #include <termios.h>
 #include <unistd.h>
 
+#include <termcap.h>
+
 #ifndef sigmask
 #define sigmask(s) (1 << ((s) - 1))
 #endif
diff --git a/trek/DOC/read_me.nr b/trek/DOC/read_me.nr
deleted file mode 100644
index 262bfbd7..00000000
--- a/trek/DOC/read_me.nr
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,252 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: read_me.nr,v 1.3 2001/07/22 13:34:01 wiz Exp $
-.de @h
-'sp 4
-'tl 'TREK SETUP INSTRUCTIONS''%'
-'sp 2
-.ns
-..
-.de @f
-'bp
-..
-.wh 0 @h
-.wh -6 @f
-.de pp
-.sp
-.ne 2
-.ti +5
-..
-.de s1
-.sp 2
-.nr S1 +1
-.nr S2 0
-.ne 5
-.in 4
-.ti 0
-\\n(S1.\ \ \c
-..
-.de s2
-.sp 1
-.nr S2 +1
-.ne 3
-.in 8
-.ti 4
-\\n(S2.\ \ \c
-..
-.br
-.ce
-TREK SETUP INSTRUCTIONS
-.sp 2
-.pp
-This document describes all sorts of nifty things
-you should know
-before you start to muck around
-with the trek source code.
-Please read them carefully.
-.s1
-MAINTENANCE
-.s2
-There are a number of shell files
-which you may use to maintain the system.
-"Prtrek" produces a copy of the source code.
-It pipes its output to lpr
-and runs in background.
-"Comp" compiles up to nine source modules
-and leaves them in .o files.
-"Compile" is the same as "comp"
-except that it loads after compiling.
-If stated without any arguments,
-it loads from .o files.
-"Compall" compiles all the .c files
-into .o files,
-but does not load.
-It redirects its output to the file "output".
-To recompile the entire system,
-type
-.ti +8
-compall
-.ti +8
-compile
-.br
-.s2
-Main.c contains a variable called "Mother".
-This is initialized to the result of the
-"getuid()" call for the maintainer of trek
-at your installation.
-Only Mother is allowed to set trace flags
-and run the game at other than the default priority.
-.s2
-Speaking of priorities,
-trek eats up a lot of system resources.
-Hence, it normally runs at a very low priority.
-This makes it almost impossible to play
-if the system is loaded.
-However,
-the -pN flag sets the priority to N,
-which makes it possible to debug
-when the system is loaded.
-The default priority is set by a #define of
-PRIO,
-which is set to 10 in the default system.
-.s2
-Trace information is provided
-which may be useful in debugging things in the system.
-If you are in a bad way for space,
-comment out the #define xTRACE
-which appears in trek.h.
-This will cause the trace stuff to not occur
-in the object.
-.s2
-The version of trek released to you
-is compiled with the -f flag (for no floating point)
-and should work without problems on your machine.
-You can edit out the -f flag
-in "compile" if you have floating point hardware
-on your machine
-so that it will take less space.
-.s1
-THE PORTABLE C LIBRARY
-.pp
-The portable C library was used
-to do I/O in trek.
-Unfortunately,
-the version which we had at Berkeley
-had a number of small bugs
-which caused trek to do bad things at times.
-For some unknown reason
-(temporary insanity perhaps)
-I rewrote the portable C library.
-This version is much smaller than the old version
-and has cleaner code.
-It also works right
-(???).
-However, there are a few minor differences
-which you should be aware of.
-.s2
-Scanf no longer ignores the noise characters "\\n",
-"\\t", and space in the format string;
-i.e.,
-these characters now require a match
-in the input stream.
-.s2
-A variable
-f_log
-has been added
-which is the file descriptor
-of a "log" file.
-If f_log is greater than zero
-a copy of everything read from
-the standard input
-and written to
-the standard output
-is written in the file f_log.
-.s1
-DISCLAIMERS
-.s2
-Frankly,
-I am getting pretty sick of playing this game.
-Hence,
-the version which you get may have several bugs
-in it;
-I freely admit
-that it is probably buggier
-than some previous versions.
-Sorry about that.
-.s2
-Along with being buggy,
-the game never had quite everything implemented
-that was originally intended.
-If you see things that look weird,
-that may be why.
-There are even some features which I have taken out
-(like ghost starsystems)
-upon deciding that I didn't have the energy
-to implement them correctly.
-.s1
-REQUESTS
-.pp
-There are several things that I would like to ask of anyone
-who does work on the source code.
-.s2
-Please let me know of any bugs which you find
-in the code,
-and any fixes which you may have.
-Other copies will probably be going out to other people later,
-and it would be nice if those copies where less buggy.
-Also,
-I would be interested in hearing about any
-enhancements of the game which you might install.
-.s2
-Please note that I have a distinct coding style.
-I feel that it is cleaner
-and easier to read than a more
-casual style.
-If possible,
-please stick to it,
-especially if you end up sending tapes back to me.
-This goes along with my whole belief in clean code:
-I ask you to please avoid obscure code
-whenever possible.
-If you throw some in,
-please don't let me see it.
-It just depresses me.
-.s2
-Unfortunately,
-the game is huge.
-There are many neat things
-which could go in,
-if there were only enough space.
-However,
-I have specifically not gone to separated I/D
-space.
-The main reason is that I would like future versions
-of the game
-to be 11/40 compatible.
-.s1
-SUGGESTIONS FOR THE FUTURE
-.pp
-If you happen to have more energy than I do,
-you may want to examine the following areas.
-These are things that I may get to,
-but don't hold your breath.
-.s2
-Frankly,
-making the portable C library work
-(even without bugs)
-was a bitch.
-I should have done the I/O in a more
-ad hoc manner.
-It is my intent to rewrite the I/O
-routines to bypass the portable C library entirely.
-.s2
-The routine "capture" is quite unclean.
-First, it should have a manner of selecting Klingons
-other than random,
-either selecting the most likely
-or asking the captain (probably best).
-It should either be fully implemented,
-which includes adding a "board" routine
-(half written,
-on some tapes as board.x)
-which sends a boarding party to forcefully
-take over the Klingon,
-or it should go out completely,
-which is probably what I will end up doing.
-When this happens,
-the transporter will go completely.
-It seems that the space may be better used
-for something which more directly enhances the game.
-.sp 3
-.in 0
-Well, that's about it.
-To get hold of me,
-write to:
-.nf
-.sp
-Eric P Allman
-Electronics Research Laboratory
-University of California
-Berkeley, California  94720
-.fi
-
-Happy trekking!!
-.pp
diff --git a/trek/DOC/things b/trek/DOC/things
deleted file mode 100644
index 535a0c97..00000000
--- a/trek/DOC/things
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
-* tractor beams
-* power distribution
-* Romulans:
--   plasma bolts
--   neutral zone
--   cloaking device
-* the thing
-* ion storms
-* torpedoes with time delays
-* Put removal from event list into killk
diff --git a/trek/DOC/trekmanual.nr b/trek/DOC/trekmanual.nr
deleted file mode 100644
index 7f406aaa..00000000
--- a/trek/DOC/trekmanual.nr
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,896 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: trekmanual.nr,v 1.3 2001/06/12 15:17:12 wiz Exp $
-.br
-.po 10
-.if n \!.
-.sp 15
-.tr ^ \"
-.ce 88
-^****^^^^*****^^^^^^*^^^^^^****^
-*^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^*^*^^^^^*^^^*
-^***^^^^^^^*^^^^^^*****^^^^****^
-^^^^*^^^^^^*^^^^^^*^^^*^^^^*^^*^
-****^^^^^^^*^^^^^^*^^^*^^^^*^^^*
-
-
-*****^^^^****^^^^^*****^^^^*^^^*
-^^*^^^^^^*^^^*^^^^*^^^^^^^^*^^*^
-^^*^^^^^^****^^^^^***^^^^^^***^^
-^^*^^^^^^*^^*^^^^^*^^^^^^^^*^^*^
-^^*^^^^^^*^^^*^^^^*****^^^^*^^^*
-
-
-by
-
-Eric Allman
-University of California
-Berkeley
-.ce 0
-.tr ^^
-.de HE
-'sp 4
-'tl 'STAR TREK''%'
-'sp 3
-..
-.de FO
-'bp
-..
-.wh 0 HE
-.wh -5 FO
-.de pp
-.sp
-.ti +4
-..
-.bp 1
-.ce
-INTRODUCTION
-.pp
-Well, the federation is once again at war with the Klingon empire.
-It is up to you,
-as captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise,
-to wipe out the invasion fleet and save the Federation.
-.pp
-For the purposes of the game
-the galaxy is divided into 64 quadrants
-on an eight by eight grid,
-with quadrant 0,0 in the upper left hand corner.
-Each quadrant is divided into 100 sectors
-on a ten by ten grid.
-Each sector contains one object
-(e.g., the Enterprise, a Klingon, or a star).
-.pp
-Navigation is handled in degrees,
-with zero being straight up
-and ninty being to the right.
-Distances are measured in quadrants.
-One tenth quadrant is one sector.
-.pp
-The galaxy contains starbases,
-at which you can dock to refuel,
-repair damages, etc.
-The galaxy also contains stars.
-Stars usually have a knack for getting in your way,
-but they can be triggered into going nova
-by shooting a photon torpedo at one,
-thereby (hopefully) destroying any adjacent Klingons.
-This is not a good practice however,
-because you are penalized for destroying stars.
-Also, a star will sometimes go supernova,
-which obliterates an entire quadrant.
-You must never stop in a supernova quadrant,
-although you may "jump over" one.
-.pp
-Some starsystems
-have inhabited planets.
-Klingons can attack inhabited planets
-and enslave the populace,
-which they then put to work building more Klingon battle cruisers.
-.bp
-.ce
-STARTING UP THE GAME
-.pp
-To request the game, issue the command
-.sp
-.ti +12
-/usr/games/trek
-.sp
-from the shell.
-If a filename is stated,
-a log of the game is written
-onto that file.
-If omitted,
-the file is not written.
-If the "-a" flag is stated before the filename,
-that file is appended to
-rather than created.
-.pp
-The game will ask you what length game
-you would like.
-Valid responses are "short", "medium", and "long".
-Ideally the length of the game does not
-affect the difficulty,
-but currently the shorter games
-tend to be harder than the longer ones.
-You may also type "restart",
-which restarts a previously saved game.
-.pp
-You will then be prompted for the skill,
-to which you must respond
-"novice", "fair", "good", "expert",
-"commadore", or "impossible".
-You should start out with a novice
-and work up,
-but if you really want to see how fast
-you can be slaughtered,
-start out with an impossible game.
-.pp
-In general,
-throughout the game,
-if you forget what is appropriate
-the game will tell you what it expects
-if you just type in
-a question mark.
-.pp
-To get a copy of these rules,
-execute the command
-.sp
-.ti +12
-nroff /usr/games/trekmanual.nr
-.sp
-.bp
-.ce
-ISSUING COMMANDS
-.pp
-If the game expects you to enter a command,
-.hc ^
-it will say ^"Command:\ "
-and wait for your response.
-Most commands can be abbreviated.
-.pp
-At almost any time you can type more than one thing on a line.
-For example,
-to move straight up one quadrant,
-you can type
-.ti +12
-move 0 1
-.br
-or you could just type
-.ti +12
-move
-.br
-and the game would prompt you with
-.ti +12
-Course:
-.br
-to which you could type
-.ti +12
-0 1
-.br
-The "1" is the distance,
-which could be put on still another line.
-Also, the "move" command
-could have been abbreviated
-"mov", "mo", or just "m".
-.pp
-If you are partway through a command
-and you change your mind,
-you can usually type "-1"
-to cancel the command.
-.pp
-Klingons generally cannot hit you
-if you don't consume anything
-(e.g., time or energy),
-so some commands are considered "free".
-As soon as you consume anything though -- POW!
-.bp
-.de **
-.if \\n+l .**
-.as x *
-..
-.de bl
-.nr l \\w'\\$1' -\\w'*'
-.ds x ****
-.**
-.sp 3
-.ne 3
-\\*x
-.br
-.if t *\h'\w'*'u'\fB\\$1\fP\h'\w'*'u'*
-.if n * \\$1 *
-.br
-\\*x
-.sp
-.in +8
-.nf
-..
-.de FF
-.in -8
-.fi
-..
-.if !\n(.V .ta \w'Full Commands: '+1
-.if \n(.V .ta \w'Full Commands: 'u
-.ce
-THE COMMANDS
-.bl "Short Range Scan"
-Mnemonic: srscan
-Shortest Appreviation: s
-Full Commands: srscan
-	srscan yes/no
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The short range scan
-gives you a picture
-of the quadrant you are in,
-and (if you say "yes")
-a status report
-which tells you
-a whole bunch
-of interesting stuff.
-You can get a status report alone
-by using the
-.ul
-status
-command.
-An example follows:
-.sp
-.nf
-.in +4
-Short range sensor scan
-  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 
-0 . . . . . . . * . * 0   stardate      3702.16
-1 . . E . . . . . . . 1   condition     RED
-2 . . . . . . . . . * 2   position      0,3/1,2
-3 * . . . . # . . . . 3   warp factor   5.0
-4 . . . . . . . . . . 4   total energy  4376
-5 . . * . * . . . . . 5   torpedoes     9
-6 . . . @ . .   . . . 6   shields       down, 78%
-7 . . . . . . . . . . 7   Klingons left 3
-8 . . . K . . . . . . 8   time left     6.43
-9 . . . . . . * . . . 9   life support  damaged, reserves = 2.4
-  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 
-Distressed Starsystem Marcus XII
-
-.in +8
-.ti -8
-The cast of characters is as follows:
-E  the hero
-K  the villain
-#  the starbase
-*  stars
-@  inhabited starsystem
-\&.  empty space
-   a black hole
-.in -12
-.fi
-.pp
-The name of the starsystem is listed underneath
-the short range scan.
-The word "distressed", if present,
-means that the starsystem
-is under attack.
-.pp
-Short range scans are absolutely free.
-They use no time, no energy,
-and they don't give the Klingons
-another chance to hit you.
-.bl "Status Report"
-Mnemonic: status
-Shortest Abbreviation: st
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-This command gives you information
-about the current status
-of the game and your ship, as follows:
-.in +8
-.de qq
-.sp
-.ti -4
-..
-.qq
-Stardate -- The current stardate.
-.qq
-Condition -- as follows:
-.in +4
-.nf
-RED -- in battle
-YELLOW -- low on energy
-GREEN -- normal state
-DOCKED -- docked at starbase
-CLOAKED -- the cloaking device is activated
-.fi
-.in -4
-.qq
-Position -- Your current quadrant and sector.
-.qq
-Warp Factor -- The speed you will move at
-when you move under warp power
-(with the
-.ul
-move
-command).
-.qq
-Total Energy -- Your energy reserves.
-If they drop to zero,
-you die.
-Energy regenerates,
-but the higher the skill of the game,
-the slower it regenerates.
-.qq
-Torpedoes -- How many photon torpedoes you have left.
-.qq
-Shields -- Whether your shields are up or down,
-and how effective they are if up
-(what percentage of a hit they will absorb).
-.qq
-Klingons Left -- Guess.
-.qq
-Time Left -- How long the Federation can hold out
-if you sit on your fat ass and do nothing.
-If you kill Klingons quickly,
-this number goes up,
-otherwise,
-it goes down.
-If it hits zero,
-the Federation is conquered.
-.qq
-Life Support -- If "active", everything is fine.
-If "damaged", your reserves tell you
-how long you have
-to repair your life support
-or get to a starbase
-before you starve, suffocate,
-or something equally unpleasant.
-.qq
-Current Crew -- The number of crew members
-left.
-This figures does not include officers.
-.qq
-Brig Space -- The space left in your brig
-for Klingon captives.
-.qq
-Klingon Power -- The number of units
-needed to kill a Klingon.
-Remember, as Klingons fire at you
-they use up their own energy,
-so you probably need somewhat less
-than this.
-.qq
-Skill, Length -- The skill and length
-of the game you are playing.
-.in -8
-.pp
-Status information is absolutely free.
-.bl "Long Range Scan"
-Mnemonic: lrscan
-Shortest Abbreviation: l
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-Long range scan gives you information about the
-eight quadrants
-that surround the quadrant
-you're in.
-A sample long range scan follows:
-.sp
-.in +12
-.nf
-Long range scan for quadrant 0,3
-
-     2     3     4
-  -------------------
-  !  *  !  *  !  *  !
-  -------------------
-0 ! 108 !   6 !  19 !
-  -------------------
-1 !   9 ! /// !   8 !
-  -------------------
-.sp
-.in -12
-.fi
-.pp
-The three digit numbers
-tell the number of objects
-in the quadrants.
-The units digit tells the number of stars,
-the tens digit the number of starbases,
-and the hundreds digit is the number of Klingons.
-"*" indicates the negative energy barrier
-at the edge of the galaxy,
-which you cannot enter.
-"///" means that that is a supernova quadrant
-and must not be entered.
-.bl "Damage Report"
-Mnemonic: damages
-Shortest Abbreviation: da
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-A damage report tells you what devices are damaged
-and how long it will take to repair them.
-Repairs proceed faster
-when you are docked
-at a starbase.
-.bl "Set Warp Factor"
-Mnemonic: warp
-Shortest Abbreviation: w
-Full Command: warp factor
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The warp factor tells the speed of your starship
-when you move under warp power
-(with the
-.ul
-move
-command).
-The higher the warp factor,
-the faster you go,
-and the more energy you use.
-.pp
-The minimum warp factor is 1.0
-and the maximum is 10.0.
-At speeds above warp 6
-there is danger of the warp engines
-being damaged.
-The probability of this
-increases at higher warp speeds.
-Above warp 9.0 there is a chance of entering
-a time warp.
-.bl "Move Under Warp Power"
-Mnemonic: move
-Shortest Abbreviation: m
-Full Command: move course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-This is the usual way of moving.
-The course is in degrees and the distance is in quadrants.
-To move one sector specify a distance of 0.1.
-.pp
-Time is consumed proportionately to
-the inverse of the warp factor squared,
-and directly to the distance.
-Energy is consumed as the warp factor cubed,
-and directly to the distance.
-If you move with your shields up
-it doubles the amount of energy consumed.
-.pp
-When you move in a quadrant containing Klingons,
-they get a chance to attack you.
-.pp
-The computer detects navigation errors.
-If the computer is out,
-you run the risk of running into things.
-.pp
-The course is determined by the
-Space Inertial Navigation System
-[SINS].
-As described in
-Star Fleet Technical Order TO:02:06:12,
-the SINS is calibrated,
-after which it becomes the base for navigation.
-If damaged,
-navigation becomes inaccurate.
-When it is fixed,
-Spock recalibrates it,
-however,
-it cannot be calibrated extremely accurately
-until you dock at starbase.
-.bl "Move Under Impulse Power"
-Mnemonic: impulse
-Shortest Abbreviation: i
-Full Command: impulse course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-The impulse engines give you a chance to maneuver
-when your warp engines are damaged;
-however, they are incredibly slow
-(0.095 quadrants/stardate).
-They require 20 units of energy to engage,
-and ten units per sector to move.
-.pp
-The same comments about the computer and the SINS
-apply as above.
-.pp
-There is no penalty to move under impulse power
-with shields up.
-.bl "Deflector Shields"
-Mnemonic: shields
-Shortest Abbreviation: sh
-Full Command: shields up/down
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-Shields protect you from Klingon attack
-and nearby novas.
-As they protect you,
-they weaken.
-A shield which is 78% effective
-will absorb 78% of a hit
-and let 22% in to hurt you.
-.pp
-The Klingons have a chance to attack you
-every time you raise or lower shields.
-Shields do not rise and lower
-instantaneously,
-so the hit you receive
-will be computed with the shields
-at an intermediate effectiveness.
-.pp
-It takes energy to raise shields,
-but not to drop them.
-.bl "Cloaking Device"
-Mnemonic: cloak
-Shortest Abbreviation: cl
-Full Command: cloak up/down
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-When you are cloaked,
-Klingons cannot see you,
-and hence they do not fire at you.
-They are useful for entering
-a quadrant
-and selecting a good position,
-however,
-weapons cannot be fired through
-the cloak
-due to the huge energy drain
-that it requires.
-.pp
-The cloak up command
-only starts the cloaking process;
-Klingons will continue
-to fire at you
-until you do something
-which consumes time.
-.bl "Fire Phasers"
-Mnmemonic: phasers
-Shortest Abbreviation: p
-Full Commands: phasers automatic amount
-	phasers manual amt1 course1 spread1 ...
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-Phasers are energy weapons;
-the energy comes from your ship's reserves
-("total energy" on a srscan).
-It takes about 250 units of hits
-to kill a Klingon.
-Hits are cumulative as long as you stay
-in the quadrant.
-.pp
-Phasers become less effective
-the further from a Klingon you are.
-Adjacent Klingons receive about
-90% of what you fire,
-at five sectors about 60%,
-and at ten sectors about 35%.
-They have no effect outside of the quadrant.
-.pp
-Phasers cannot be fired while shields are up;
-to do so would fry you.
-They have no effect on starbases or stars.
-.pp
-In automatic mode
-the computer decides how to divide up the energy
-among the Klingons present;
-in manual mode you do that yourself.
-.pp
-In manual mode firing
-you specify a direction,
-amount (number of units to fire)
-and spread (0 -> 1.0)
-for each of the six phaser banks.
-A zero amount
-terminates the manual input.
-.bl "Fire Photon Torpedoes"
-Mnemonic: torpedo
-Shortest Abbreviation: t
-Full Command: torpedo course [yes/no] [burst angle]
-Consumes: torpedoes
-.FF
-.pp
-Torpedoes are projectile weapons -- there are no partial hits.
-You either hit your target or you don't.
-A hit on a Klingon destroys him.
-A hit on a starbase destroys that starbase
-(woops!).
-Hitting a star usually causes it to go nova,
-and occasionally supernova.
-.pp
-Photon torpedoes cannot be aimed precisely.
-They can be fired with shields up,
-but they get even more random
-as they pass through the shields.
-.pp
-Torpedoes may be fired in bursts of three.
-If this is desired,
-the burst angle is the angle
-between the three shots,
-which may vary from one to fifteen.
-The word "no"
-says that a burst is not wanted;
-the word "yes"
-(which may be omitted
-if stated on the same line as the course)
-says that a burst is wanted.
-.pp
-Photon torpedoes
-have no effect
-outside the quadrant.
-.bl "Onboard Computer Request"
-Mnemonic: computer
-Shortest Abbreviation: c
-Full Command: computer request; request;...
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The computer command gives you access to the facilities
-of the onboard computer,
-which allows you to do all sorts of fascinating stuff.
-Computer requests are:
-.in +8
-.qq
-score -- Shows your current score.
-.qq
-course quad/sect -- Computes the course and distance from whereever
-you are to the given location.
-If you type "course /x,y"
-you will be given the course
-to sector x,y in the current quadrant.
-.qq
-move quad/sect -- Identical to the course
-request,
-except that the move is executed.
-.qq
-chart -- prints a chart of the known galaxy,
-i.e.,
-everything that you have seen with a long range scan.
-The format is the same as on a long range scan,
-except that "..." means
-that you don't yet know what is there,
-and ".1." means that you know that a starbase
-exists, but you don't know anything else.
-"$$$" mans the quadrant
-that you are currently in.
-.qq
-trajectory -- prints the course and distance
-to all the Klingons in the quadrant.
-.qq
-warpcost dist warp_factor -- computes the cost in time and energy
-to move `dist' quadrants at warp `warp_factor'.
-.qq
-impcost dist -- same as warpcost for impulse engines.
-.qq
-pheff range -- tells how effective your phasers are
-at a given range.
-.qq
-distresslist -- gives a list of currently distressed
-starbases
-and starsystems.
-.in -8
-.pp
-More than one request may be stated
-on a line
-by seperating them
-with semicolons.
-.bl "Dock at Starbase"
-Mnemonic: dock
-Shortest Abbreviation: do
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-You may dock at a starbase
-when you are in one of the eight
-adjacent sectors.
-.pp
-When you dock you are resupplied
-with energy, photon torpedoes, and life support reserves.
-Repairs are also done faster at starbase.
-Any prisoners you have taken
-are unloaded.
-You do not receive points
-for taking prisoners
-until this time.
-.pp
-Starbases have their own deflector shields,
-so you are safe from attack while docked.
-.bl "Undock from Starbase"
-Mnemonic: undock
-Shortest Abbreviation: u
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-This just allows you to leave starbase
-so that you may proceed on your way.
-.bl "Rest"
-Mnemonic: rest
-Shortest Abbreviation: r
-Full Command: rest time
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-This command allows you to rest to repair damages.
-It is not advisable to rest while under attack.
-.bl "Call Starbase For Help"
-Mnemonic: help
-Shortest Abbreviation: help
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-You may call starbase for help via your subspace radio.
-Starbase has long range transporter beams to get you.
-Problem is,
-they can't always rematerialize you.
-.pp
-You should avoid using this command unless absolutely necessary,
-for the above reason and because it counts heavily against you
-in the scoring.
-.bl "Capture Klingon"
-Mnemonic: capture
-Shortest Abbreviation: ca
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-You may request that a Klingon surrender
-to you.
-If he accepts,
-you get to take captives
-(but only as many as your brig
-can hold).
-It is good if you do this,
-because you get points for captives.
-Also,
-if you ever get captured,
-you want to be sure that the Federation
-has prisoners to exchange for you.
-.pp
-You must go to a starbase
-to turn over your prisoners
-to Federation authorities.
-.bl "Visual Scan"
-Mnemonic: visual
-Shortest Abbreviation: v
-Full Command: visual course
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-When your short range scanners are out,
-you can still see what is out "there"
-by doing a visual scan.
-Unfortunately,
-you can only see three sectors at one time,
-and it takes 0.005 stardates to perform.
-.pp
-The three sectors in the general direction
-of the course specified
-are examined
-and displayed.
-.bl "Abandon Ship"
-Mnemonic: abandon
-Shortest Abbreviation: abandon
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The officers escape the Enterprise in the shuttlecraft.
-If the transporter is working
-and there is an inhabitable starsystem
-in the area,
-the crew beams down,
-otherwise you leave them to die.
-You are given an old but still usable ship,
-the Faire Queene.
-.bl "Ram"
-Mnemonic: ram
-Shortest Abbreviation: ram
-Full Command: ram course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-This command is identical to "move",
-except that the computer
-doesn't stop you
-from making navigation errors.
-.pp
-You get very nearly slaughtered
-if you ram anything.
-.bl "Self Destruct"
-Mnemonic: destruct
-Shortest Abbreviation: destruct
-Consumes: everything
-.FF
-.pp
-Your starship is self-destructed.
-Chances are you will destroy
-any Klingons
-(and stars,
-and starbases)
-left in your quadrant.
-.bl "Terminate the Game"
-Mnemonic: terminate
-Shortest Abbreviation: terminate
-Full Command: terminate yes/no
-.FF
-.pp
-Cancels the current game.
-No score is computed.
-If you answer yes,
-a new game will be started,
-otherwise trek exits.
-.bl "Call the Shell"
-Mnemonic: shell
-Shortest Abbreviation: shell
-.FF
-.pp
-Temporarily escapes to the shell.
-When you log out of the shell
-you will return to the game.
-.bp
-.ce
-SCORING
-.in +4
-.pp
-The scoring algorithm is rather complicated.
-Basically,
-you get points for each Klingon you kill,
-for your Klingon per stardate kill rate,
-and a bonus if you win the game.
-You lose
-points for the number of Klingons left
-in the galaxy
-at the end of the game,
-for getting killed,
-for each star, starbase, or inhabited starsystem
-you destroy,
-for calling for help,
-and for each casualty you incur.
-.pp
-You will be promoted
-if you play very well.
-You will never get a promotion if you
-call for help,
-abandon the Enterprise,
-get killed,
-destroy a starbase or inhabited starsystem,
-or destroy too many stars.
-.bp
-.ce
-REFERENCE PAGE
-.sp 2
-.ta 36 56
-.nf
-.ul
-Command	Uses	Consumes
-
-ABANDON	shuttlecraft,	-
-	  transporter
-CApture	subspace radio	time
-CLoak Up/Down	cloaking device	energy
-Computer request; request;...	computer	-
-DAmages	-	-
-DESTRUCT	computer	-
-DOck	-	-
-HELP	subspace radio	-
-Impulse course distance	impulse engines,	time, energy
-	 computer, SINS
-Lrscan	L.R. sensors	-
-Move course distance	warp engines,	time, energy
-	  computer, SINS
-Phasers Automatic amount	phasers, computer	energy
-Phasers Manual amt1 course1 spread1 ...	phasers	energy
-Torpedo course [Yes] angle/No	torpedo tubes	torpedoes
-RAM course distance	warp engines,	time, energy
-	  computer, SINS
-Rest time	-	time
-SHELL	-	-
-SHields Up/Down	shields	energy
-Srscan [Yes/No]	S.R. sensors	-
-STatus	-	-
-TERMINATE Yes/No	-	-
-Undock	-	-
-Visual course	-	time
-Warp warp_factor	-	-
-.fi
diff --git a/trek/Makefile b/trek/Makefile
index 1f80d74c..1b702605 100644
--- a/trek/Makefile
+++ b/trek/Makefile
@@ -11,13 +11,18 @@ SRCS=	abandon.c attack.c autover.c capture.c check_out.c checkcond.c \
 	shield.c snova.c srscan.c systemname.c torped.c \
 	visual.c warp.c win.c
 MAN=	trek.6
-DPADD=	${LIBM}
-LDADD=	-lm
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
 
-SUBDIR.roff+=USD.doc
+all: $(PROG)
 
-COPTS.getpar.c += -Wno-format-nonliteral
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/trek/USD.doc/Makefile b/trek/USD.doc/Makefile
deleted file mode 100644
index f12db8ca..00000000
--- a/trek/USD.doc/Makefile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,10 +0,0 @@
-#	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.6 2014/07/05 19:22:42 dholland Exp $
-#	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/8/93
-
-SECTION=reference/ref6
-ARTICLE=trek
-SRCS=	trek.me
-MACROS=	-me
-ROFF_TBL=yes
-
-.include <bsd.doc.mk>
diff --git a/trek/USD.doc/spell.ok b/trek/USD.doc/spell.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index d9d0405e..00000000
--- a/trek/USD.doc/spell.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,72 +0,0 @@
-Allman
-Faire
-Klingon
-Klingons
-L.R
-Onboard
-Queene
-S.R
-Spock
-Starbase
-Starbases
-Stardate
-Starsystem
-TO:02:06:12
-Torpedoes
-Trek''USD:34
-U.S.S
-USD:34
-XII
-amt1
-anual
-arp
-atus
-ca
-ck
-cl
-course1
-da
-dist
-distresslist
-ds
-es
-est
-filename
-fo
-ft
-hasers
-ields
-impcost
-isual
-lrscan
-mages
-mo
-mov
-mpulse
-na
-ndock
-omputer
-onboard
-orpedo
-ove
-partway
-pheff
-pture
-rscan
-shuttlecraft
-spread1
-srscan
-st
-starbase
-starbases
-stardate
-stardates
-starsystem
-starsystems
-ta
-torpedoes
-trek.me
-utomatic
-warpcost
-woops
-x,y
diff --git a/trek/USD.doc/trek.me b/trek/USD.doc/trek.me
deleted file mode 100644
index dacfd331..00000000
--- a/trek/USD.doc/trek.me
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,964 +0,0 @@
-.\"	$NetBSD: trek.me,v 1.4 2014/09/30 20:46:59 christos Exp $
-.\"
-.\" Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
-.\"	The Regents of the University of California.  All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\"    notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\"    documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\"    may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\"    without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED.  IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\"	@(#)trek.me	8.1 (Berkeley) 6/8/93
-.\"
-.if n .na
-.de pp
-.	sp 2
-.	ti +5
-..
-.ie t .ds f \fB
-.el .ds f \fI
-.de he
-'	sp
-'	tl 'Star Trek''USD:31-%'
-'sp 3
-..
-.oh 'Star Trek''USD:31-%'
-.eh 'USD:31-%''Star Trek'
-
-\" .wh 0 he
-.de fo
-'	bp
-..
-.wh -3 fo
-.sp 16
-.ce 1000
-.ie n \{\
-.	tr | 
-|****||||*****||||||*||||||****|
-*||||||||||*|||||||*|*|||||*|||*
-|***|||||||*||||||*****||||****|
-||||*||||||*||||||*|||*||||*||*|
-****|||||||*||||||*|||*||||*|||*
-.sp 2
-*****||||****|||||*****||||*|||*
-||*||||||*|||*||||*||||||||*||*|
-||*||||||****|||||***||||||***||
-||*||||||*||*|||||*||||||||*||*|
-||*||||||*|||*||||*****||||*|||*
-.sp 2
-.	tr ||
-by
-.\}
-.el \{\
-.	ps 24
-.	vs 28p
-.	ft B
-STAR
-
-TREK
-
-.	ps
-.	vs
-.	ft
-.	ft I
-by
-.f	ft
-.\}
-
-Eric Allman
-University of California
-Berkeley
-.ce 0
-\".bp
-.ce
-\*fINTRODUCTION\fR
-.pp
-Well, the federation is once again at war with the Klingon empire.
-It is up to you,
-as captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise,
-to wipe out the invasion fleet and save the Federation.
-.pp
-For the purposes of the game
-the galaxy is divided into 64 quadrants
-on an eight by eight grid,
-with quadrant 0,0 in the upper left hand corner.
-Each quadrant is divided into 100 sectors
-on a ten by ten grid.
-Each sector contains one object
-(e.g., the Enterprise, a Klingon, or a star).
-.pp
-Navigation is handled in degrees,
-with zero being straight up
-and ninety being to the right.
-Distances are measured in quadrants.
-One tenth quadrant is one sector.
-.pp
-The galaxy contains starbases,
-at which you can dock to refuel,
-repair damages, etc.
-The galaxy also contains stars.
-Stars usually have a knack for getting in your way,
-but they can be triggered into going nova
-by shooting a photon torpedo at one,
-thereby (hopefully) destroying any adjacent Klingons.
-This is not a good practice however,
-because you are penalized for destroying stars.
-Also, a star will sometimes go supernova,
-which obliterates an entire quadrant.
-You must never stop in a supernova quadrant,
-although you may "jump over" one.
-.pp
-Some starsystems
-have inhabited planets.
-Klingons can attack inhabited planets
-and enslave the populace,
-which they then put to work building more Klingon battle cruisers.
-\".bp
-.ce
-\*fSTARTING UP THE GAME\fR
-.pp
-To request the game, issue the command
-.sp
-.ti +15
-.ft B
-/usr/games/trek
-.ft
-.sp
-from the shell.
-If a filename is supplied,
-a log of the game is written onto that file.
-(Otherwise, no
-file is written.)
-If the
-``\fB\-a\fP'' flag is stated before the filename,
-the log of the game is appended to the file.
-.pp
-The game will ask you what length game
-you would like.
-Valid responses are "short", "medium", and "long".
-You may also type "restart",
-which restarts a previously saved game.
-Ideally,
-the length of the game does not affect the difficulty,
-but currently the shorter games tend to be harder than the longer ones.
-.pp
-You will then be prompted for the skill,
-to which you must respond
-"novice", "fair", "good", "expert",
-"commodore", or "impossible".
-You should start out with a novice
-and work up,
-but if you really want to see
-how fast you can be slaughtered,
-start out with an impossible game.
-.pp
-In general,
-throughout the game,
-if you forget what is appropriate
-the game will tell you what it expects
-if you just type in
-a question mark.
-\".bp
-.ce
-\*fISSUING COMMANDS\fR
-.pp
-If the game expects you to enter a command,
-.hc ^
-it will say ^"Command:\ "
-and wait for your response.
-Most commands can be abbreviated.
-.pp
-At almost any time you can type more than one thing on a line.
-For example,
-to move straight up one quadrant,
-you can type
-.ti +12
-move 0 1
-.br
-or you could just type
-.ti +12
-move
-.br
-and the game would prompt you with
-.ti +12
-Course:
-.br
-to which you could type
-.ti +12
-0 1
-.br
-The "1" is the distance,
-which could be put on still another line.
-Also, the "move" command
-could have been abbreviated
-"mov", "mo", or just "m".
-.pp
-If you are partway through a command
-and you change your mind,
-you can usually type "-1"
-to cancel the command.
-.pp
-Klingons generally cannot hit you
-if you don't consume anything
-(e.g., time or energy),
-so some commands are considered "free".
-As soon as you consume anything though -- POW!
-.bp
-.de **
-.if \\n+l .**
-.as x *
-..
-.de bl
-.sp
-.ie t \fB\\$1\fR
-.el \{\
-.	ne 3
-.	nr l \\w'\\$1' -\\w'*'
-.	ds x ****
-.	**
-\\*x
-.	br
-* \\$1 *
-.	br
-\\*x
-.\}
-.sp
-.in +8
-.nf
-..
-.de FF
-.in -8
-.fi
-..
-.if !\n(.V .ta \w'Full Commands: '+1
-.if \n(.V .ta \w'Full Commands: 'u
-.ce
-\*fTHE COMMANDS\fR
-.bl "Short Range Scan"
-Mnemonic: srscan
-Shortest Abbreviation: s
-Full Commands: srscan
-	srscan yes/no
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The short range scan
-gives you a picture
-of the quadrant you are in,
-and (if you say "yes")
-a status report
-which tells you
-a whole bunch
-of interesting stuff.
-You can get a status report alone
-by using the
-.ul
-status
-command.
-An example follows:
-.sp
-.in +4
-Short range sensor scan
-.TS
-le1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 ce1 le3 l1 l.
-	0	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
-0	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	*	.	*	0	stardate	3702.16
-1	.	.	E	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	1	condition	RED
-2	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	*	2	position	0,3/1,2
-3	*	.	.	.	.	#	.	.	.	.	3	warp\ factor	5.0
-4	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	4	total\ energy	4376
-5	.	.	*	.	*	.	.	.	.	.	5	torpedoes	9
-6	.	.	.	@	.	.	\ 	.	.	.	6	shields	down,\ 78%
-7	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	.	7	Klingons\ left	3
-8	.	.	.	K	.	.	.	.	.	.	8	time\ left	6.43
-9	.	.	.	.	.	.	*	.	.	.	9	life\ support	damaged,\ reserves\ =\ 2.4
-	0	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
-.TE
-Distressed Starsystem Marcus XII
-.sp
-.in +8
-.ti -8
-The cast of characters is as follows:
-.nf
-.ta \w'E   'u
-E	the hero
-K	the villain
-#	the starbase
-*	stars
-@	inhabited starsystem
-\&.	empty space
-	a black hole
-.in -12
-.fi
-.pp
-The name of the starsystem is listed underneath
-the short range scan.
-The word "distressed", if present,
-means that the starsystem
-is under attack.
-.pp
-Short range scans are absolutely free.
-They use no time, no energy,
-and they don't give the Klingons
-another chance to hit you.
-.bl "Status Report"
-Mnemonic: status
-Shortest Abbreviation: st
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-This command gives you information
-about the current status
-of the game and your ship, as follows:
-.in +8
-.de qq
-.sp
-.ti -4
-..
-.qq
-Stardate -- The current stardate.
-.qq
-Condition -- as follows:
-.in +4
-.nf
-RED -- in battle
-YELLOW -- low on energy
-GREEN -- normal state
-DOCKED -- docked at starbase
-CLOAKED -- the cloaking device is activated
-.fi
-.in -4
-.qq
-Position -- Your current quadrant and sector.
-.qq
-Warp Factor -- The speed you will move at
-when you move under warp power
-(with the
-.ul
-move
-command).
-.qq
-Total Energy -- Your energy reserves.
-If they drop to zero,
-you die.
-Energy regenerates,
-but the higher the skill of the game,
-the slower it regenerates.
-.qq
-Torpedoes -- How many photon torpedoes you have left.
-.qq
-Shields -- Whether your shields are up or down,
-and how effective they are if up
-(what percentage of a hit they will absorb).
-.qq
-Klingons Left -- Guess.
-.qq
-Time Left -- How long the Federation can hold out
-if you sit on your fat ass and do nothing.
-If you kill Klingons quickly,
-this number goes up,
-otherwise,
-it goes down.
-If it hits zero,
-the Federation is conquered.
-.qq
-Life Support -- If "active", everything is fine.
-If "damaged", your reserves tell you
-how long you have
-to repair your life support
-or get to a starbase
-before you starve, suffocate,
-or something equally unpleasant.
-.qq
-Current Crew -- The number of crew members
-left.
-This figures does not include officers.
-.qq
-Brig Space -- The space left in your brig
-for Klingon captives.
-.qq
-Klingon Power -- The number of units
-needed to kill a Klingon.
-Remember, as Klingons fire at you
-they use up their own energy,
-so you probably need somewhat less
-than this.
-.qq
-Skill, Length -- The skill and length
-of the game you are playing.
-.in -8
-.pp
-Status information is absolutely free.
-.bl "Long Range Scan"
-Mnemonic: lrscan
-Shortest Abbreviation: l
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-Long range scan gives you information about the
-eight quadrants
-that surround the quadrant
-you're in.
-A sample long range scan follows:
-.sp
-.ev 1
-.in +12
-Long range scan for quadrant 0,3
-.sp
-.ie t \{\
-.TS
-l1 c1 ce1 c1 ce1 c1 ce1 c
-l1 l s s s s s s s
-l1 c1 ce1 c1 ce1 c1 ce1 c
-l1 l s s s s s s s.
-		2		3		4
-	_
-	!	*	!	*	!	*	!
-	_
-.T&
-l1 c1 re1 c1 re1 c1 re1 c
-l1 l s s s s s s s
-l1 c1 re1 c1 re1 c1 re1 c
-l1 l s s s s s s s.
-0	!	108	!	6	!	19	!
-	_
-1	!	9	!	///	!	8	!
-	_
-.TE
-.\}
-.el \{\
-.nf
-     2     3     4
-  -------------------
-  !  *  !  *  !  *  !
-  -------------------
-0 ! 108 !   6 !  19 !
-  -------------------
-1 !   9 ! /// !   8 !
-  -------------------
-.fi
-.\}
-.ev
-.pp
-The three digit numbers
-tell the number of objects
-in the quadrants.
-The units digit tells the number of stars,
-the tens digit the number of starbases,
-and the hundreds digit is the number of Klingons.
-"*" indicates the negative energy barrier
-at the edge of the galaxy,
-which you cannot enter.
-"///" means that that is a supernova quadrant
-and must not be entered.
-.bl "Damage Report"
-Mnemonic: damages
-Shortest Abbreviation: da
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-A damage report tells you what devices are damaged
-and how long it will take to repair them.
-Repairs proceed faster
-when you are docked
-at a starbase.
-.bl "Set Warp Factor"
-Mnemonic: warp
-Shortest Abbreviation: w
-Full Command: warp factor
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The warp factor tells the speed of your starship
-when you move under warp power
-(with the
-.ul
-move
-command).
-The higher the warp factor,
-the faster you go,
-and the more energy you use.
-.pp
-The minimum warp factor is 1.0
-and the maximum is 10.0.
-At speeds above warp 6
-there is danger of the warp engines
-being damaged.
-The probability of this
-increases at higher warp speeds.
-Above warp 9.0 there is a chance of entering
-a time warp.
-.bl "Move Under Warp Power"
-Mnemonic: move
-Shortest Abbreviation: m
-Full Command: move course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-This is the usual way of moving.
-The course is in degrees and the distance is in quadrants.
-To move one sector specify a distance of 0.1.
-.pp
-Time is consumed proportionately to
-the inverse of the warp factor squared,
-and directly to the distance.
-Energy is consumed as the warp factor cubed,
-and directly to the distance.
-If you move with your shields up
-it doubles the amount of energy consumed.
-.pp
-When you move in a quadrant containing Klingons,
-they get a chance to attack you.
-.pp
-The computer detects navigation errors.
-If the computer is out,
-you run the risk of running into things.
-.pp
-The course is determined by the
-Space Inertial Navigation System
-[SINS].
-As described in
-Star Fleet Technical Order TO:02:06:12,
-the SINS is calibrated,
-after which it becomes the base for navigation.
-If damaged,
-navigation becomes inaccurate.
-When it is fixed,
-Spock recalibrates it,
-however,
-it cannot be calibrated extremely accurately
-until you dock at starbase.
-.bl "Move Under Impulse Power"
-Mnemonic: impulse
-Shortest Abbreviation: i
-Full Command: impulse course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-The impulse engines give you a chance to maneuver
-when your warp engines are damaged;
-however, they are incredibly slow
-(0.095 quadrants/stardate).
-They require 20 units of energy to engage,
-and ten units per sector to move.
-.pp
-The same comments about the computer and the SINS
-apply as above.
-.pp
-There is no penalty to move under impulse power
-with shields up.
-.bl "Deflector Shields"
-Mnemonic: shields
-Shortest Abbreviation: sh
-Full Command: shields up/down
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-Shields protect you from Klingon attack
-and nearby novas.
-As they protect you,
-they weaken.
-A shield which is 78% effective
-will absorb 78% of a hit
-and let 22% in to hurt you.
-.pp
-The Klingons have a chance to attack you
-every time you raise or lower shields.
-Shields do not rise and lower
-instantaneously,
-so the hit you receive
-will be computed with the shields
-at an intermediate effectiveness.
-.pp
-It takes energy to raise shields,
-but not to drop them.
-.bl "Cloaking Device"
-Mnemonic: cloak
-Shortest Abbreviation: cl
-Full Command: cloak up/down
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-When you are cloaked,
-Klingons cannot see you,
-and hence they do not fire at you.
-They are useful for entering
-a quadrant
-and selecting a good position,
-however,
-weapons cannot be fired through
-the cloak
-due to the huge energy drain
-that it requires.
-.pp
-The cloak up command
-only starts the cloaking process;
-Klingons will continue
-to fire at you
-until you do something
-which consumes time.
-.bl "Fire Phasers"
-Mnemonic: phasers
-Shortest Abbreviation: p
-Full Commands: phasers automatic amount
-	phasers manual amt1 course1 spread1 ...
-Consumes: energy
-.FF
-.pp
-Phasers are energy weapons;
-the energy comes from your ship's reserves
-("total energy" on a srscan).
-It takes about 250 units of hits
-to kill a Klingon.
-Hits are cumulative as long as you stay
-in the quadrant.
-.pp
-Phasers become less effective
-the further from a Klingon you are.
-Adjacent Klingons receive about
-90% of what you fire,
-at five sectors about 60%,
-and at ten sectors about 35%.
-They have no effect outside of the quadrant.
-.pp
-Phasers cannot be fired while shields are up;
-to do so would fry you.
-They have no effect on starbases or stars.
-.pp
-In automatic mode
-the computer decides how to divide up the energy
-among the Klingons present;
-in manual mode you do that yourself.
-.pp
-In manual mode firing
-you specify a direction,
-amount (number of units to fire)
-and spread (0 -> 1.0)
-for each of the six phaser banks.
-A zero amount
-terminates the manual input.
-.bl "Fire Photon Torpedoes"
-Mnemonic: torpedo
-Shortest Abbreviation: t
-Full Command: torpedo course [yes/no] [burst angle]
-Consumes: torpedoes
-.FF
-.pp
-Torpedoes are projectile weapons -- there are no partial hits.
-You either hit your target or you don't.
-A hit on a Klingon destroys him.
-A hit on a starbase destroys that starbase
-(woops!).
-Hitting a star usually causes it to go nova,
-and occasionally supernova.
-.pp
-Photon torpedoes cannot be aimed precisely.
-They can be fired with shields up,
-but they get even more random
-as they pass through the shields.
-.pp
-Torpedoes may be fired in bursts of three.
-If this is desired,
-the burst angle is the angle
-between the three shots,
-which may vary from one to fifteen.
-The word "no"
-says that a burst is not wanted;
-the word "yes"
-(which may be omitted
-if stated on the same line as the course)
-says that a burst is wanted.
-.pp
-Photon torpedoes
-have no effect
-outside the quadrant.
-.bl "Onboard Computer Request"
-Mnemonic: computer
-Shortest Abbreviation: c
-Full Command: computer request; request;...
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The computer command gives you access to the facilities
-of the onboard computer,
-which allows you to do all sorts of fascinating stuff.
-Computer requests are:
-.in +8
-.qq
-score -- Shows your current score.
-.qq
-course quad/sect -- Computes the course and distance from wherever
-you are to the given location.
-If you type "course /x,y"
-you will be given the course
-to sector x,y in the current quadrant.
-.qq
-move quad/sect -- Identical to the course
-request,
-except that the move is executed.
-.qq
-chart -- prints a chart of the known galaxy,
-i.e.,
-everything that you have seen with a long range scan.
-The format is the same as on a long range scan,
-except that "..." means
-that you don't yet know what is there,
-and ".1." means that you know that a starbase
-exists, but you don't know anything else.
-"$$$" mans the quadrant
-that you are currently in.
-.qq
-trajectory -- prints the course and distance
-to all the Klingons in the quadrant.
-.qq
-warpcost dist warp_factor -- computes the cost in time and energy
-to move `dist' quadrants at warp `warp_factor'.
-.qq
-impcost dist -- same as warpcost for impulse engines.
-.qq
-pheff range -- tells how effective your phasers are
-at a given range.
-.qq
-distresslist -- gives a list of currently distressed
-starbases
-and starsystems.
-.in -8
-.pp
-More than one request may be stated
-on a line
-by separating them
-with semicolons.
-.bl "Dock at Starbase"
-Mnemonic: dock
-Shortest Abbreviation: do
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-You may dock at a starbase
-when you are in one of the eight
-adjacent sectors.
-.pp
-When you dock you are resupplied
-with energy, photon torpedoes, and life support reserves.
-Repairs are also done faster at starbase.
-Any prisoners you have taken
-are unloaded.
-You do not receive points
-for taking prisoners
-until this time.
-.pp
-Starbases have their own deflector shields,
-so you are safe from attack while docked.
-.bl "Undock from Starbase"
-Mnemonic: undock
-Shortest Abbreviation: u
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-This just allows you to leave starbase
-so that you may proceed on your way.
-.bl "Rest"
-Mnemonic: rest
-Shortest Abbreviation: r
-Full Command: rest time
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-This command allows you to rest to repair damages.
-It is not advisable to rest while under attack.
-.bl "Call Starbase For Help"
-Mnemonic: help
-Shortest Abbreviation: help
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-You may call starbase for help via your subspace radio.
-Starbase has long range transporter beams to get you.
-Problem is,
-they can't always rematerialize you.
-.pp
-You should avoid using this command unless absolutely necessary,
-for the above reason and because it counts heavily against you
-in the scoring.
-.bl "Capture Klingon"
-Mnemonic: capture
-Shortest Abbreviation: ca
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-You may request that a Klingon surrender
-to you.
-If he accepts,
-you get to take captives
-(but only as many as your brig
-can hold).
-It is good if you do this,
-because you get points for captives.
-Also,
-if you ever get captured,
-you want to be sure that the Federation
-has prisoners to exchange for you.
-.pp
-You must go to a starbase
-to turn over your prisoners
-to Federation authorities.
-.bl "Visual Scan"
-Mnemonic: visual
-Shortest Abbreviation: v
-Full Command: visual course
-Consumes: time
-.FF
-.pp
-When your short range scanners are out,
-you can still see what is out "there"
-by doing a visual scan.
-Unfortunately,
-you can only see three sectors at one time,
-and it takes 0.005 stardates to perform.
-.pp
-The three sectors in the general direction
-of the course specified
-are examined
-and displayed.
-.bl "Abandon Ship"
-Mnemonic: abandon
-Shortest Abbreviation: abandon
-Consumes: nothing
-.FF
-.pp
-The officers escape the Enterprise in the shuttlecraft.
-If the transporter is working
-and there is an inhabitable starsystem
-in the area,
-the crew beams down,
-otherwise you leave them to die.
-You are given an old but still usable ship,
-the Faire Queene.
-.bl "Ram"
-Mnemonic: ram
-Shortest Abbreviation: ram
-Full Command: ram course distance
-Consumes: time and energy
-.FF
-.pp
-This command is identical to "move",
-except that the computer
-doesn't stop you
-from making navigation errors.
-.pp
-You get very nearly slaughtered
-if you ram anything.
-.bl "Self Destruct"
-Mnemonic: destruct
-Shortest Abbreviation: destruct
-Consumes: everything
-.FF
-.pp
-Your starship is self-destructed.
-Chances are you will destroy
-any Klingons
-(and stars,
-and starbases)
-left in your quadrant.
-.bl "Terminate the Game"
-Mnemonic: terminate
-Shortest Abbreviation: terminate
-Full Command: terminate yes/no
-.FF
-.pp
-Cancels the current game.
-No score is computed.
-If you answer yes,
-a new game will be started,
-otherwise trek exits.
-.bl "Call the Shell"
-Mnemonic: shell
-Shortest Abbreviation: shell
-.FF
-.pp
-Temporarily escapes to the shell.
-When you exit the shell
-you will return to the game.
-\".bp
-.ce
-\*fSCORING\fR
-.in +4
-.pp
-The scoring algorithm is rather complicated.
-Basically,
-you get points for each Klingon you kill,
-for your Klingon per stardate kill rate,
-and a bonus if you win the game.
-You lose
-points for the number of Klingons left
-in the galaxy
-at the end of the game,
-for getting killed,
-for each star, starbase, or inhabited starsystem
-you destroy,
-for calling for help,
-and for each casualty you incur.
-.pp
-You will be promoted
-if you play very well.
-You will never get a promotion if you
-call for help,
-abandon the Enterprise,
-get killed,
-destroy a starbase or inhabited starsystem,
-or destroy too many stars.
-.bp
-.ce 1
-\*fCOMMAND SUMMARY\fP
-.TS
-l l l.
-Command	Requires	Consumes
-
-\*fabandon\fR	shuttlecraft,	-
-	  transporter
-\*fca\fRpture	subspace radio	time
-\*fcl\fRoak \*fu\fRp/\*fd\fRown	cloaking device	energy
-\*fc\fRomputer request; ...	computer	-
-\*fda\fRmages	-	-
-\*fdestruct\fR	computer	-
-\*fdo\fRck	-	-
-\*fhelp\fR	subspace radio	-
-\*fi\fRmpulse course distance	impulse engines,	time, energy
-	 computer, SINS
-\*fl\fRrscan	L.R. sensors	-
-\*fm\fRove course distance	warp engines,	time, energy
-	  computer, SINS
-\*fp\fRhasers \*fa\fRutomatic amount	phasers, computer	energy \*fp\fRhasers \*fm\fRanual
-\ \ amt1 course1 spread1 ...	phasers	energy
-\*ft\fRorpedo course [\*fy\fRes] angle/\*fn\fRo	torpedo tubes	torpedoes
-\*fram\fR course distance	warp engines,	time, energy
-	  computer, SINS
-\*fr\fRest time	-	time
-\*fshell\fR	-	-
-\*fsh\fRields \*fu\fRp/\*fd\fRown	shields	energy
-\*fs\fRrscan [\*fy\fRes/\*fn\fRo]	S.R. sensors	-
-\*fst\fRatus	-	-
-\*fterminate\fR \*fy\fRes/\*fn\fRo	-	-
-\*fu\fRndock	-	-
-\*fv\fRisual course	-	time
-\*fw\fRarp warp_factor	-	-
-.TE
diff --git a/trek/ranf.c b/trek/ranf.c
index 9ed23545..3c76fe9c 100644
--- a/trek/ranf.c
+++ b/trek/ranf.c
@@ -42,6 +42,8 @@ __RCSID("$NetBSD: ranf.c,v 1.7 2009/05/25 00:37:27 dholland Exp $");
 #include <stdlib.h>
 #include "trek.h"
 
+#define	RANDOM_MAX	0x7fffffff
+
 int
 ranf(int max)
 {
diff --git a/trek/trek.h b/trek/trek.h
index 99c61e48..36dbb444 100644
--- a/trek/trek.h
+++ b/trek/trek.h
@@ -47,6 +47,8 @@
 
 /*********************  GALAXY  **************************/
 
+#include <float.h>
+
 /* galactic parameters */
 #define NSECTS		10	/* dimensions of quadrant in sectors */
 #define NQUADS		8	/* dimension of galazy in quadrants */
diff --git a/wargames/Makefile b/wargames/Makefile
index 47b625a1..df1a97d6 100644
--- a/wargames/Makefile
+++ b/wargames/Makefile
@@ -4,4 +4,10 @@
 SCRIPTS=wargames.sh
 MAN=	wargames.6
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all:
+
+install: $(MAN) $(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(SCRIPTS) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(basename $(SCRIPTS))
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+.PHONY: all install clean
diff --git a/warp/Makefile b/warp/Makefile
index 3869a4d2..0e674c14 100644
--- a/warp/Makefile
+++ b/warp/Makefile
@@ -1,70 +1,61 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.5 2020/11/11 20:04:02 christos Exp $
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	warp
-#DBG=-g
-
 SRCS=	bang.c init.c intrp.c move.c object.c play.c score.c sig.c term.c \
 	them.c us.c util.c version.c warp.c weapon.c
 
-DPADD=	${LIBTERMLIB} ${LIBM}
-LDADD=	-ltermlib -lm
-
 CPPFLAGS+=-DHAVETERMLIB
 
-CLEANFILES+=sm sm.lo smap.0 smap.1 smap.2 smap.3 smap.4 smap.5 smap.6 smap.7
+CLEANFILES+=sm smap.0 smap.1 smap.2 smap.3 smap.4 smap.5 smap.6 smap.7
 CLEANFILES+=warp.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-SETGIDGAME=yes
 MAN=	warp.6
 
-warp.6:
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	cat ${.CURDIR}/warp.man > ${.TARGET}
+FILES=smap.0 smap.1 smap.2 smap.3 smap.4 smap.5 smap.6 smap.7
+FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/warp
+
+all: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(FILES)
 
-DPSRCS+=smap.0 smap.1 smap.2 smap.3 smap.4 smap.5 smap.6 smap.7
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CPPFLAGS) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN) $(FILES)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -d $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+warp.6:
+	cat warp.man > $@
 
 smap.0: smp.0 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.0 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.0 > $@
 
 smap.1: smp.1 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.1 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.1 > $@
 
 smap.2: smp.2 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.2 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.2 > $@
 
 smap.3: smp.3 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.3 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.3 > $@
 
 smap.4: smp.4 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.4 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.4 > $@
 
 smap.5: smp.5 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.5 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.5 > $@
 
 smap.6: smp.6 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.6 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.6 > $@
 
 smap.7: smp.7 sm
-	${_MKTARGET_CREATE}
-	./sm < ${.CURDIR}/smp.7 > ${.TARGET}
+	./sm < smp.7 > $@
 
-sm: sm.lo
-	${_MKTARGET_LINK}
-	${HOST_LINK.c} -o ${.TARGET} ${.ALLSRC}
-
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
-FILES=smap.0 smap.1 smap.2 smap.3 smap.4 smap.5 smap.6 smap.7
-FILES+=warp.doc warp.news README
-FILESDIR=/usr/share/games/warp
-.endif
+sm: sm.c
+	clang -o $@ sm.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/warp/intrp.c b/warp/intrp.c
index e3f615b0..1a88da3d 100644
--- a/warp/intrp.c
+++ b/warp/intrp.c
@@ -19,6 +19,8 @@
 #include "INTERN.h"
 #include "intrp.h"
 
+#define __UNCONST(a) ((void *)(unsigned long)(const void *)(a))
+
 /* name of this host */
     char *hostname;
 
diff --git a/warp/util.h b/warp/util.h
index 454e8f5a..fae72785 100644
--- a/warp/util.h
+++ b/warp/util.h
@@ -6,6 +6,9 @@
  * 
  */
 
+#include <time.h>
+#define __UNCONST(a) ((void *)(unsigned long)(const void *)(a))
+
 #define RANDRAND 1152921504606846976.0 /* that's 2**60 */
 #define HALFRAND 0x40000000 /* that's 2**30 */
 #define myrand() (int)random()
diff --git a/worm/Makefile b/worm/Makefile
index 36112e69..99985b11 100644
--- a/worm/Makefile
+++ b/worm/Makefile
@@ -3,8 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	worm
 MAN=	worm.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
+SRCS=	worm.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/worms/Makefile b/worms/Makefile
index eb6681a1..f96a8bbd 100644
--- a/worms/Makefile
+++ b/worms/Makefile
@@ -3,7 +3,19 @@
 
 PROG=	worms
 MAN=	worms.6
-DPADD=	${LIBCURSES} ${LIBTERMINFO}
-LDADD=	-lcurses -lterminfo
+SRCS=	worms.c
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) $(LDFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS) -lncursesw
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install
diff --git a/wtf/Makefile b/wtf/Makefile
index fd0c94bd..b5c694e8 100644
--- a/wtf/Makefile
+++ b/wtf/Makefile
@@ -1,7 +1,12 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.1 1999/07/22 01:03:20 mrg Exp $
 
 SCRIPTS=	wtf
-SCRIPTSDIR=	/usr/games
 MAN=		wtf.6
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all:
+
+install: $(MAN) $(SCRIPTS)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm755 $(SCRIPTS) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(basename $(SCRIPTS))
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+
+.PHONY: all install clean
diff --git a/wump/Makefile b/wump/Makefile
index d83e3dbe..49ca6588 100644
--- a/wump/Makefile
+++ b/wump/Makefile
@@ -1,14 +1,24 @@
 #	$NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.10 2008/01/28 07:04:00 dholland Exp $
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
 
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
 PROG=	wump
 MAN=	wump.6
-HIDEGAME=hidegame
-.if ${MKSHARE} != "no"
+SRCS=	wump.c
 FILES=wump.info
 FILESDIR=/usr/share/games
-.endif
 
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+all: $(PROG)
+
+$(PROG): $(SRCS)
+	$(CC) $(CFLAGS) -o $(PROG) $(SRCS)
+	$(STRIP) $(PROG)
+
+install: $(PROG) $(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm2755 $(PROG) $(DESTDIR)/usr/games/$(PROG)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(MAN) $(DESTDIR)/usr/share/man/man6/$(MAN)
+	$(GINSTALL) -Dm644 $(FILES) $(DESTDIR)$(FILESDIR)
+
+clean:
+	rm -f $(CLEANFILES) $(PROG)
+
+.PHONY: all clean install