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Diffstat (limited to 'fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real')
| -rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real | 157 |
1 files changed, 99 insertions, 58 deletions
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real index 45c6e47f..5a6ef8e4 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -64,6 +64,12 @@ By breezes that left her quite nude, And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. % +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, @@ -723,7 +729,7 @@ A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call... +Is his phone number -- give him a call. % A mathematician named Klein Thought the Mobius band was divine. @@ -878,6 +884,12 @@ And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. % A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. @@ -930,6 +942,12 @@ They have such peculiar diversions. In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. % +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +% A responsive young girl from the East In bed was an able artiste. She had learned two positions @@ -1080,6 +1098,12 @@ Called te umpire blind out of malice. The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. % +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill First they bugged our martinis, @@ -1172,6 +1196,12 @@ Had a hole as big as a basket. In it now, you could hide, And include with your luggage your mascot. % +A widow who fancied a man some +Was diddled three times in a hansome. + When she clamored for more + Her young man became sore +And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." +% A widow whose singular vice Was to keep her late husband on ice Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- @@ -1197,12 +1227,6 @@ Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: Between these lips covered with hair." % A worried young man from Stamboul -Discovered red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." -% -A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; @@ -1432,7 +1456,7 @@ As soon as the service is through." An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- + Three kinds of erection -- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. % An ardent young man named Magruder @@ -1779,12 +1803,6 @@ For the sores on his prick he used Dial. That failed; he gave Lava a trial. But the one remedy For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. -% -For the sores on his prick he used Dial. -That failed; he gave Lava a trial. - But the one remedy - For contagious V.D. Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. % From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, @@ -1852,6 +1870,12 @@ Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +% +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" % @@ -1922,13 +1946,6 @@ I don't so much care for a door, Is getting to be quite a bore! -- Gelett Burgess % -I wish that my room had a floor; -I don't so much care for a door, - But this walking around - Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! - -- Gelett Burgess -% I wonder what my wife will want tonight; Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? I wonder can she tell @@ -2038,6 +2055,12 @@ Complacently stroking his madam, For on all of the earth There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. % +In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, +Massaging the bust of his madam, + He chuckled with mirth, + For he knew that on earth, +There were only two boobs and he had 'em. +% In the case of a lady named Frost, Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, It's the best part of valor @@ -2114,12 +2137,6 @@ At frigging and fucking and such. Oh pity the prince, Montezuma He tried to make love to a puma. Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away - -- An example of animal huma. -% -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, Tore his testes away -- An example of animal huma. % @@ -2159,7 +2176,7 @@ His girl got a yen for fellatio. He tried cunnilingus But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. % -Once a young gay from Khartoum, +Once a young gay from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right @@ -2226,6 +2243,18 @@ With the square root of Mu inserted The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem rabelaisian: + Let _V be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let _P be a constant persuasion; + +"Let _V over _P be inverted +With the square root of _M_u inserted + _N times into _V ... + The result, Q.E.D., +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +% Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength @@ -2303,8 +2332,8 @@ And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, - I can't find a man -That it's fun to be virtuous with!" + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with." % Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." @@ -2784,6 +2813,12 @@ Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste + They used Library Paste, +Instead of Petroleum Jelly. +% +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. % @@ -2805,6 +2840,12 @@ Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. That their asses were maimed, Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. % +There once was a feisty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +% There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. One day he was swimmin' @@ -3125,6 +3166,12 @@ Who could put it up to her kidney. Put it up to her neck; He had a big one, now didn't he? % +There once was a man named Eugene +Who invented a screwing machine + Concave and convex + It served either sex +And it played with itself in between. +% There once was a man named Lodge, who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in, @@ -3179,11 +3226,11 @@ A person of dubious gender. For permission to view His remarkable double pudenda. % -There once was a plumber from Leigh -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. +There once was a plumber from Leigh, +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." +Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." % There once was a pretty young Mrs. Whose tearful but short story thrs. @@ -3992,6 +4039,12 @@ There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) +Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. +% +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. % There was a young girl of Asturias @@ -4170,12 +4223,6 @@ Made a fortune performing at stud, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. % -There was a young lad - name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan - Stop jerkin' your gherkin -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. -% There was a young lad from Nahant Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. When asked, "Do you fuck?" @@ -4659,12 +4706,6 @@ She excelled at (so everyone says). There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump-- This passing parade did amaze her. % @@ -4719,7 +4760,7 @@ His whang while it sang a duet. There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe + "Just look at me, Joe, I think I've discovered one more way." % There was a young lady of Rhyll @@ -4806,6 +4847,12 @@ Who had strange ideas about marriage. And sucked off her brother And ate up her sister's miscarriage. % +There was a young man from Bel-Air +Who was screwing his girl on the stair, + But the banister broke, + So he doubled his stroke, +And finished her off in mid-air. +% There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair. But the banister broke @@ -4989,6 +5036,12 @@ But of course you know I'm a liar. There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, + And she threw the switch, +As Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, Yeah, she threw the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket. % @@ -5683,12 +5736,6 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short. The old woman said, "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" % -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% There was an old man who said, "Tush! My balls always hang in the brush, And I fumble about, @@ -6124,9 +6171,3 @@ I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. And the band, they did not know la java." -- Edward Gorey % -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% |