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Diffstat (limited to 'fortune/datfiles')
| -rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/fortunes | 23 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real | 209 |
2 files changed, 125 insertions, 107 deletions
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 2fa3d8b8..2626a9d4 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -5904,6 +5904,10 @@ But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger % +I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella +in the world. + -- Peter da Silva +% I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! -- Mary Lou Bax @@ -6491,6 +6495,12 @@ I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. -- Senator Claghorn % +I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. +I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. +All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. +Time to die... + -- Peter Gutmann +% I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, @@ -7404,6 +7414,11 @@ the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. % Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. % +I/O, I/O, +It's off to disk I go, +A bit or byte to read or write, +I/O, I/O, I/O +% INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. @@ -13471,8 +13486,6 @@ to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" % -The voters have spoken, the bastards ... -% The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling: % @@ -15573,6 +15586,12 @@ still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm % +With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment, +this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the +chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable". +Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud. +The sales department had awoken. +% Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. % Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index 52ab2a02..355934c7 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -39,11 +39,11 @@ A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call.. +Is his phone number -- give him a call. % -"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a +A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious -scruples and the police." +scruples and the police. -- Mr. Dooley % A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately @@ -100,8 +100,8 @@ Was diddled three times in a hansome. Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." % -"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her -drawers." +A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her +drawers. -- Blind Lemon Pledge % A worried young man from Stamboul @@ -114,9 +114,9 @@ A.I. hackers do it with robots. % Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. % -"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western +Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science." +Western science. -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" % Achilles' Biological Findings: @@ -162,7 +162,7 @@ Corinthian, ionic, and doric. % An Army travels on her stomach. % -An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets +An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only person who will sit on its face is its mother. % @@ -179,7 +179,7 @@ very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" % ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps... % Anxiety, n.: The first time you can't do it a second time. @@ -193,9 +193,9 @@ Panic, n.: "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." -- Joseph C. Wang % -"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons +Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and -enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." +enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources. -- Ronald Reagan % Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was @@ -215,12 +215,12 @@ collars. % Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). % -"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think +Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. - (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." + (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman % Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. @@ -321,7 +321,7 @@ G's Third Law: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: - There is no magic ... + There is no magic... % Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the @@ -375,12 +375,12 @@ Voiced in reverent mumble: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams % -"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement +Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have -bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" +bled it all they could consequently. And why not? -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" % Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a @@ -394,7 +394,7 @@ Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? ... Seats 500. % -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis" +Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? % Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? % @@ -426,7 +426,7 @@ Do something big -- fuck a giant % Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. % -"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." +Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. -- Bo Diddley % Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get @@ -469,8 +469,8 @@ male schlemiel. % Evangelists do it with Him watching. % -"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous ..." +Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling +just a bit unchivalrous ... -- Robert Benchley % Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of @@ -510,19 +510,19 @@ punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. % -"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." +Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain % - "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no + God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. - "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone + Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." +were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" % God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. @@ -545,9 +545,9 @@ GOD is applied POWER "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie. % -"God is big, so don't fuck with him." +God is big, so don't fuck with him. % -God isn't dead -- he's been busted +God isn't dead -- he's been busted. % God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. % @@ -566,7 +566,7 @@ still talking about it." % Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. % -Grain grows best in shit +Grain grows best in shit. -- Ursula K. LeGuin % Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. @@ -606,7 +606,7 @@ Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. -- R. E. Masters % -"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." +He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. % He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. @@ -625,7 +625,7 @@ damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. % -"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's +He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! @@ -657,7 +657,7 @@ that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the court was going to take a nap. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" % -"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther +Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices @@ -667,19 +667,19 @@ King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." +and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long % -"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the +How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be -lucky to escape with our skins!" +lucky to escape with our skins! % -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole +Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. -- John Valby % Hugh Hefner is a virgin. @@ -687,10 +687,10 @@ Hugh Hefner is a virgin. I am an atheist, thank God! % I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it -once was ... an arctic wilderness +once was ... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin % -I came; I saw; I fucked up +I came; I saw; I fucked up. % I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me @@ -710,7 +710,7 @@ In a long distance telephone booth. Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. % -"I own my own body, but I share" +I own my own body, but I share. % I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet @@ -769,8 +769,8 @@ it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx % -"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to -watch him have another." +I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to +watch him have another. % If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. @@ -779,17 +779,17 @@ If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker % -"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned +If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this -corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." +corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. -- S. J. Perelman % If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office. -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV % -"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 -apostles." +If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 +apostles. % If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? % @@ -838,15 +838,15 @@ in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. % If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. % -"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a -buzz-saw." +If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a +buzz-saw. -- W. C. Fields % Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. -- Robert Burton % -"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with -reality at any point." +In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with +reality at any point. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was @@ -880,8 +880,8 @@ There were only two boobs and he had 'em. Incest, n.: Sibling revelry. % -"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time -someone writes `bible thumpers?' +Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time +someone writes "bible thumpers?" -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu % It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be @@ -891,14 +891,14 @@ classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." -- Frank Zappa % -"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The +It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital -lies." +lies. -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" % Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. % -"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" +Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! -- Daniel Hinojosa % Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. @@ -970,8 +970,8 @@ Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" Missionary Position: The missionary on top. % -"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a -boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." +Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a +boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. % Motto of the Electrical Engineer: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it @@ -980,9 +980,9 @@ stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. % -"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of +My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, -drunk or sober." +drunk or sober. -- G. K. Chesterton % My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my @@ -1021,7 +1021,7 @@ No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother. -- Margaret H. Sanger % -"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." +Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. -- Woody Allen % Nothing is better than Sex. @@ -1045,7 +1045,7 @@ is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for @@ -1090,7 +1090,7 @@ productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." % -"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not +One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some @@ -1098,7 +1098,7 @@ cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural -resources and our taxes." +resources and our taxes. -- Ronald Reagan % One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has @@ -1123,12 +1123,12 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there were men on base. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" % -"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in +Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem -never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." +never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 % Overheard in a bar: @@ -1139,7 +1139,7 @@ People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. -- Norman Cousins % -Physicists do it with charm +Physicists do it with charm. % Politicians do it to everyone. % @@ -1158,7 +1158,7 @@ Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first. % -Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your +Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your backyard? A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... % @@ -1193,7 +1193,7 @@ Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! % Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? -A: A cheese grater +A: A cheese grater. % Q: What's Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging. @@ -1207,13 +1207,13 @@ A: Ugly sheep. Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other! % -"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in +Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be -reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." +reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % Randel, n.: @@ -1222,7 +1222,7 @@ for farting at a friend. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words % -Reagan can't _a_c_t either +Reagan can't _a_c_t either. % Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's @@ -1263,7 +1263,7 @@ Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus +And now she has athlete's fetus. % Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, @@ -1335,12 +1335,12 @@ you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? % -"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I -am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." +Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I +am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone. -- Ronald Reagan % -"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled -at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." +The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled +at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. -- Dave Barry % The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't @@ -1449,7 +1449,7 @@ and I can wash it as fast as I want!" The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... + Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! @@ -1459,8 +1459,8 @@ Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" % -"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual -curiosity." +The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual +curiosity. -- Ronald Reagan % The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling @@ -1471,7 +1471,7 @@ its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. -- Henry Kissinger % -The United States Army; +The United States Army: 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. % @@ -1479,9 +1479,9 @@ The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. -- Jim Samuels % -"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." +The voters have spoken, the bastards... % -"The whole world is about three drinks behind." +The whole world is about three drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart % The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in @@ -1524,7 +1524,7 @@ oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] % There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. % -"There is a God, but He drinks" +There is a God, but He drinks. -- Blore % There once was a couple named Kelley, @@ -1533,7 +1533,7 @@ Who lived their life belly to belly. They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. % -There once was a fiesty young terrier +There once was a feisty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. He'd yip and he'd yap, Then leap up and snap; @@ -1543,7 +1543,7 @@ There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." +Said, "This won't be much of a sin." % There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen @@ -1660,13 +1660,13 @@ Who said she thought fucking a bliss, There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe + "Just look at me, Joe, I think I've discovered one more way." % -There was a young man from Bel-Aire +There was a young man from Bel-Air Who was screwing his girl on the stair, - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke + But the banister broke, + So he doubled his stroke, And finished her off in mid-air. % There was a young man named Crockett @@ -1687,7 +1687,7 @@ Who wanted to bugger the swans. Said, "Pray take my daughter! Those birds are reserved for the dons." % -There was a young whore from kaloo +There was a young whore from Kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, @@ -1701,7 +1701,7 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short. % There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. - He fell on his cutlass + He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. % @@ -1771,8 +1771,8 @@ Thou shalt not omit adultery. % To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. % -"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad -name." +Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad +name. -- Gore Vidal % 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, @@ -1807,8 +1807,8 @@ room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." % -"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the -opposite." +Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the +opposite. -- John Kenneth Galbraith % Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid @@ -1826,13 +1826,12 @@ Virgin, n.: % War is menstruation envy. % -"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." +Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. -- W. C. Fields % We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. % -"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at -hand." +We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt % We have reason to believe that man first @@ -1901,8 +1900,8 @@ When God created man, She was only testing. When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. -- Charles Merrill Smith % -"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that -can't happen." +When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that +can't happen. -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) % When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's @@ -1920,9 +1919,9 @@ Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." % -"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it +White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." +time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. % Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? @@ -1941,8 +1940,8 @@ Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed problem down the hall? % -"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left -the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." +Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left +the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" % You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the @@ -1954,9 +1953,9 @@ handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" % -"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but +You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, -as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" +as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? -- Ronald Reagan % You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an @@ -2012,8 +2011,8 @@ into your coffee. You: (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket. % -"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying -to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." +You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying +to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b % ... But among the children of the Great Society there were |