diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'fortune')
-rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/limerick | 6 | ||||
-rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real | 252 | ||||
-rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok | 2 |
3 files changed, 19 insertions, 241 deletions
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/fortune/datfiles/limerick index 7f8919cc..00c73382 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -48,3 +48,9 @@ Who smiled as she rode on a tiger; With the lady inside, And the smile on the face of the tiger. % +A wonderful bird is the pelican. +His mouth can hold more than his belican. + He can take in his beak + Enough food for a week. +And I'm darned if I know how the helican. +% diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real index 1798d23c..62380217 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -17,7 +17,7 @@ I am not I, I'm a tree." And covered his pants leg with pee. % A beautiful belle of Del Norte -Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty +Is reckoned disdainful and haughty Because during the day She says: "Boys, keep away!" But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. @@ -53,13 +53,7 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups: Was diddling a collie- But I got a nice price for the pups." % -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was fucking a collie -- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A burleyque dancer, a pip +A burlesque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science fiction And died of constriction @@ -145,13 +139,7 @@ A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The goddam thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. +And beat both his balls to a cream. % A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed my semen : @@ -247,12 +235,6 @@ A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. But a dropout from paree Taught him Gamahuchee -- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. % A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, @@ -339,18 +321,6 @@ Scientifically played with himself, He labled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf. % -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% A gentleman, otherwise meek, Detested with passion the leek; When offered one out @@ -401,12 +371,6 @@ Was said to be great in the sack. Put girls in a coma And two gave them epileptic attacks. % -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% A greedy young lady from Sidney Liked it in up to her kidney, Till a man from Quebec @@ -487,12 +451,6 @@ Once had an affair with a ghost. The poor ectoplasm Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." % -A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." -% A hidebound young virgin named Carrie Would say, when the fellows got hairy : "Keep your prick in your pants @@ -598,12 +556,6 @@ To revise her existence misspent. Where she stayed through the following Lent. -- Edward Gorey % -A lady while dining at Crewe -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout, - And don't wave it about, -Or the others will all want one too." -% A lady, while dining in Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout @@ -665,12 +617,6 @@ Once rode through the streets in the nude. Agnificent bottom" And slapped it as hard as they could. % -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they cude. -% A lusty young maid from Seattle Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; Till she found a bull @@ -896,24 +842,6 @@ And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. % A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. @@ -1099,12 +1027,6 @@ Went down on her beau in the garden. Don't swallow that mess " And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" % -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess!" -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% A systems programmer named Sprotic Found his software intensely erotic. In jealous distress @@ -1129,12 +1051,6 @@ Called te umpire blind out of malice. The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. % -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called the umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill First they bugged our martinis, @@ -1203,13 +1119,6 @@ She used it for many a bunt. It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, To get the thing out of her cunt. % -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% A weary old lecher named Blott Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. Too lazy to rape her, @@ -1240,18 +1149,6 @@ Was to keep her late husband on ice I'll never defrost him! Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." % -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -And I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, Renowned for the length of their peenies. The hair on their balls @@ -1465,12 +1362,6 @@ Could, when feeling euphoric, Three kinds of erection- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. % -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- -Corinthian,ionic,and doric. -% An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd @@ -1501,12 +1392,6 @@ Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. The colour - devine, The scent - ah, that was a failia. % -An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - divine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX Unibus. The hardware went bad, @@ -1732,13 +1617,6 @@ Fan would giggle and show off her knees; And weep from a sense of unease. -- Edward Gorey % -Augustus, for slpashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% Augustus, for splashing his soup, Was put for the night on the stoop; In the morning he'd not @@ -1765,13 +1643,6 @@ When he sits on the foot of my bed; But for the seventeen years he's been dead. -- Edward Gorey % -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a bellow that echoed for miles. Said the rector, "My gracious, @@ -1810,12 +1681,6 @@ Complacently stroking his madam, For on all of the earth There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. % -In the garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls and he had'em. -% In the little French town of Le'Beau, Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. At a masquerade ball, @@ -1859,13 +1724,6 @@ You must keep her in close quarantine, Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop % -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% The old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil. He knew from its bend @@ -2043,12 +1901,6 @@ Who got laid by a big alligator. There once was a girl from Madras Who had such a beautiful ass - It was not round and pink - ( as you bastards think ) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink (As you bastards think) But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. % @@ -2252,17 +2104,11 @@ Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, "You're welcome to Nan." But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. % -There once was a man from Nantucket, -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - As he wiped off his chin, -If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! -% There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" % There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. @@ -2295,12 +2141,6 @@ Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. So McGru took an oar and subduder. % There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney - So just to be couth - He added vermouth -And slipped his best girl a martini. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, @@ -2530,12 +2370,6 @@ There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. % There was a gay dog from Ontario @@ -3145,12 +2979,6 @@ Who wanted to dance in the ballet. When she kicked off her drawers, But her hair and her bush didn't tally. % -There was a young girl named Saphire -Who succumbed to her lovers desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, @@ -3467,11 +3295,6 @@ There was a young lady from Munich Who had an affair with a eunuch. At the height of their passion He dealt her a ration -% -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. % There was a young lady from Norway @@ -3858,12 +3681,6 @@ There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - This passing parade did amaze her. % There was a young lady of Gaza @@ -3969,7 +3786,7 @@ As her bridegroom got into the bed, You can get up my bottom instead." % There was a young lady whose cunt -Could accomodate a small punt. +Could accommodate a small punt. Her mother said, "Annie, It matches your fanny, Which never was that of a runt." @@ -3986,12 +3803,6 @@ The cheeks of her ass were so fat Whenever she farted, And also whenever she shat. % -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% There was a young laundress named Wrangle Whose tits tilted up at an angle. "They may tickle my chin," @@ -4112,12 +3923,6 @@ Whose cock was so long he could suck it. And saw his own ass, And broke his neck trying to fuck it. % -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - While wiping his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." -% There was a young man from New Haven Who had an affair with a raven. He said with a grin @@ -4217,12 +4022,6 @@ Which earned him the plaudits of all. % There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch - So she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, Yeah, she threw the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket. @@ -4568,16 +4367,7 @@ There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know, -It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that - Last line that I can." -% -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know. -It's because I try to put every single -syllable into the last line that I possibly, -possibly can." +It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can." % There was a young royal marine, Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". @@ -4585,12 +4375,6 @@ Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". Out came only guano And his britches weren't fit to be seen. % -There was a young sailor from Brighton, -Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole; -There's plenty of room in the right one." -% There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." She replied, "'Pon my soul, @@ -4898,13 +4682,7 @@ And secretly finger his dong. There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. + He replied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -- W.S. Gilbert % @@ -4928,12 +4706,6 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short. % There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" @@ -4948,7 +4720,7 @@ There was an old man with a beard Who said, "It is just what I feared! Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren -Have all built their nests in my beard!" +Have all built their nests in my beard!" % There was an old person of Ware Who had an affair with a bear. @@ -5106,7 +4878,7 @@ They had come in the fugue to the stretto When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto Slipped forward and grabbed Her tresses and stabbed -Her to death with a rusty stiletto. +Her to death with a rusty stiletto. -- Edward Gorey % Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, @@ -5142,7 +4914,7 @@ I think they have rotted the drums." % To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. Their fertility was somewhat unstable. - He constructed a bed + He constructed a bed Out of tree trunks and said, "Even adders can multiply on a log table." % @@ -5239,9 +5011,9 @@ That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! % When I was a baby, my penis Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'this as red + But now 'tis as red As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminie genus! +All because of the feminine genus! % When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok index 41ecbdfc..55c5124d 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok +++ b/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok @@ -24,7 +24,7 @@ Gothos Hag Hedford Hodin -Kank +Kang Kanuto Kelinda Kelvan |