From 08eca96e71d96ad1f8e9b888875ab5570f208d19 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Cameron Katri Date: Wed, 17 Feb 2021 14:05:02 -0500 Subject: Get all the games compiling for iOS --- fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real | 13881 ------------------------------------ 1 file changed, 13881 deletions(-) delete mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real (limited to 'fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real') diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real deleted file mode 100644 index ded3f84d..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real +++ /dev/null @@ -1,13881 +0,0 @@ - PLAYGIRL, Inc. - Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 -Dear Sir: - Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to -inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On -a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women -ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the -age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing -long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman -ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate -in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call -us. - Sympathetically, - Amanda L. Smith - -p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you - wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? -% - MOUNTIES: -I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, -I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works - all day. - -I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, -I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. -On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, -And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. - -I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, -I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. -I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, -And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. - -I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, -Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? -I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... -Just like my dear Pappa. -% - FROM THE DESK OF - Snow White - -Dear Snow White: - - Thanks for last night. - - Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful -% - LEPROSY -Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. -I'm not half the man I used to be. -Oh, how did I get leprosy? - -Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. -Now it even hurts to take a piss. -Oh why did I get syphilis? - -Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. -I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... - -- To the tune of "Yesterday" -% - THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF - -An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth -Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all -who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. -In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following -beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: - - --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from - which UFOs come. - --That pi equals precisely 3.000. - --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully - squared the circle. - --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. - -Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, -including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood -special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal -Bull. -% - The Snack -Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. - -What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. - -Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't - recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates - caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have - I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? - -But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. - And am I not the master of my own? - -Nothing to eat? - What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you - just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed - Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. - -Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. - -- L.L. Zeiger -% - ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even -worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the -1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was -considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever -showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would -have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect -was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such -as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks -over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" - "No." - So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. -% - A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife -of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he -drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she -probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." - When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He -says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" - "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. - "Is she with her lover?" - The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say -that I feel terrible about how she treats you." - The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you -say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check -to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating -two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to -the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." -The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, -silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back -to the phone and says "It's done." - The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" - "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. - "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" -% - A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. -This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use -them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the -following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that -he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate -the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to -see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the -Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. -At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, -he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. -Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy -his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is -brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends -down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it -right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" -% - A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a -buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and -the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the -boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks -the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, -the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if -they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. - Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the -farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of -frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling -in the mud. - Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I -don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check -today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. - "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" - "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in -the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" -% - A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did -for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do -all day?" - Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." - "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" - Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a -mailman." - "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" - Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a -whorehouse." - The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. -Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father -answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded -an explanation. - Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do -you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" -% - A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice -from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. - "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think -you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let -him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." - The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths -are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly -gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in -the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal -Pretzel hold. - The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down -on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a -scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and -pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach -finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out -of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" - "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw -this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured -what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, -you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" -% - A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical -island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that -could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They -were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of -the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to -the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head -downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the -charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two -men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. -Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with -blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could -only blurt out, "What happened?" - "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the -ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I -grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left -hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of -the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down -to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" -% - A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops -in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, -and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a -conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar -go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by -seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. - 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: -"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" -He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. - "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and -hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her -goodbye, and runs out the front door. - He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the -doorway. - "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." - "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went -to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We -had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." - "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! -You've been bowling again!" -% - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his -brother and inquires after his pet. - "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a -corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" - "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." - "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? -How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got -outside one day..." -% - A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? -I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." - A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that -be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." - "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my -dog's stuck in its throat." -% - A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, -"Hi, honey, I'm home." - There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note -on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about -8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when -I get home." - Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his -stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over -from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the -doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired -girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. - He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he -was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in -the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and -complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" -% - A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing -out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" - "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" - The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green -valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," -he says. - Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, -"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" -% - A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a -terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at -Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got -homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've -got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress -who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." - The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss -something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." - "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." -% - A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The -bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. - "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. - About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and -6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" - To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers -are lovers." - Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders -NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone -in your family like pussy?" - "Yeah. Me and my sister." -% - A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old -Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches -down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip -and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this -is eight-year-old Scotch." - The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, -pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- -most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even -had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this -is on the house." - A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this -conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." -The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which -the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" -% - A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks -up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the -little Leprechaun. - After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, -struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction -worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, -Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is -pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. - After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and -walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. -Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, -after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him -in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off -his little dick!" - Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." - "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" - "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" -% - A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country -flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a -large button with the letters "NAA" on it. - "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. - "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. - After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my -asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' -men?" - "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better -hung than *anybody*." - "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" - "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last -all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" - "Running Bear Sheldon." -% - A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. -He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some -gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights -were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure -what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, -"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was -a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his -ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" - "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my -clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" - "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just -hasn't been your day, has it?" -% - A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this -particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the -man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very -fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, -felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under -the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" - Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as -quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, -"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" - With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd -like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" -% - A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, -while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife -was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the -Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. - The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew -that he had ever eaten. - "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What -kind of meat is it?" - "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. - "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." - "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." - "Rabbits don't make any noise..." - "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" -% - A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother -asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange -symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. - The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, -"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." - The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little -girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She -turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" - "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as -kissed a man!" - The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, -silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued -staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something -wrong out there?" - "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything -like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if -another one was going to show up." -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon -two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what -I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." -% - A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a -car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe -and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. -Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. - Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was -decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't -driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" - "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged -aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved -at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" - "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger -like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" -% - A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have -some good news and some bad news." - He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." - She replied, "You're not sterile." -% - A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the -consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The -sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable -for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly -and lustful pursuits. - The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, -if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, -then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he -is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. - The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, -a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the -affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair -is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he -is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with -his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" -% - A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking -for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his -qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the -white man and said: "You leave! No job!" - The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but -that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow -him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. - "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making -your dog, here, talk!" - "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he -heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me -good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" - "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, -"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" - "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he -heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to -the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." - The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his -final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. - "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" -% - A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom -asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" - She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after -work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men -should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." - So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: -"You get laid today, Billy?" - "Yeah, Dad." - "How was it?" - "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." - "Good Boy!". - A month later: "You get laid today?" - "No, Dad." - "No? How come?" - "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." -% - A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The -Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." - The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for -miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. - Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." - -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent - Life in the Universe" -% - A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were -to die, would you remarry?" - After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in -this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." - The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" - "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." - "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. -I've always loved it here." - "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" - "No." - "Why not?" - "She's left handed." -% - A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. -They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate -love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned -to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." - She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off -my pantyhose." -% - A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, -whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to -settle for a kiss." - The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" -% - After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several -minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. - "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a -name for my baby." - "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds -of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. - "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first -name." -% - All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his -number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas -was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the -vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really -expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for -Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the -NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner -is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" -TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. - We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. -Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent -to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding -their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best -running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. - But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National -Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting -drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not -always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip -if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% - An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before -officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha -house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, -yaki-san." - Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first -Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." - When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, -which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. -After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made -a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! -Bonsai!" - Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the -new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, -yaki-san!" - The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, -"What do you mean, wrong hole?" -% - An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial -city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish -arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained -the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the -testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. - The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. -Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was -served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are -much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." - "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." -% - An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her -porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She -picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie -tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. - After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and -beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, -voluptuous woman. - After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich -for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are -stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. - The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" - "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my -faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young -handsome prince!" - And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, -handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. - As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to -the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me -fixed?" -% - An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a -man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" -said the soldier. - "My name is Mary," said the woman. - "And mine is Joseph," said the man. - "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you -going?" - "To Bethlehem." - "Your reason for going there?" - "To pay our taxes to the government." - "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" - "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto -Ricans?" -% - An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the -remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, -"I have a dead pussy." - The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, -"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." -% - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" -% - "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best -to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the -posh hotel. - "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. - "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. - "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me -a postcard?" -% - Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how -Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only -an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, -rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling -a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, -all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just -15 minutes a day! - SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate -sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through -the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal -muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the -"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, -of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, -using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! - SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely -immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely -textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and -limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. -% - Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that -his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young -executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight -loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two -pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he -was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that -"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he -finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had -lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that -was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same -regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, -he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the -following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown -to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely -muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into -a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" -% - Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American -Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to -the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only -one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me -have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow -was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, -"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." - Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of -squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a -headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. -Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" -Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, - me fuck-em all." -Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" -Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." -Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" -Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." -Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" -Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run - too fast." -% - Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, -Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and -subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this -sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste -treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." - Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's -blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. -Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to -see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. - "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. - "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" -% - Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best -friend asked him how it went. - "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second -night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six -times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the -last night, nothing!" - "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" - "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" -% - But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose -skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted -calf they were sucking hind teat... - Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they -called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to -the front of the bus." - But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all -deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove -yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like -unto a snowball in Hell." - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% - But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that -cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin -to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The -latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing -with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole -bunch of knuckles. - -- Harlan Ellison -% - "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with -your penis?" - "Uh, not right now." - "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." - -- Real Genius -% - Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one -particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, -a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, -said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew -himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up -your ass, you ugly cunt." - When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to -the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if -you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and -your play can go fuck yourselves." - At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table -to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And -if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's -unhesitating retort. - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% - "Daddy?" - "Yes son." - "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" - "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret -something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by -the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, -`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" - -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" -% - Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule - - Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High - Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 - Sept 28 Blind Academy - Sept 30 World War I Veterans - Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 - Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders - Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir - Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic - Nov 9 Korean War Amputees - Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients -% - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll -be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" -% - "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. -We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" - "But this is different," protested her husband. - "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. -Now tell me what our problem is." - "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a -bastard child." -% - "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are -married?" - He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. -I've always been especially fond of married women." -% - Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted -to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it -quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already -had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she -now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming -in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck -the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door -she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in -response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my -ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, -and you... uh... don't have all the..." - "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" -% - "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost -hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot -at mine, over there." -% - During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her -husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, -she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" -% - Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a -blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, -while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved -to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a -pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." - He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, -stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." - But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no -protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she -tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. - Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the -tug at his sleeve. "Again?" - And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted -by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her -and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." -% - Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller -and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better -than fried chicken, is it?" - Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: - "I got to be dead honest, Roy." - And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. - Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she -ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who -can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the -finest I've ever had." - -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" -% - Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, -those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing -needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. - Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at -the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. -No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The -ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the -contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers -should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to -the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. - Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. -The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record -of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is -not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten -and not care." -% - Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see -a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a -baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and -ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" - The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, -which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give -you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" -% - Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, -obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance -floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette -girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman -of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties -unimpaired?" - The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not -all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a -girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place -about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon -as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." - "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." - "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to -fail me." -% - Farmer Johnson was drunk again. - "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could -only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." - Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if -only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." - Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you -could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." -% - "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," -said the guy aggressively. - "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. - "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in -town." - "Oh, no, you won't." - "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." - "Oh, no, you won't." - "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." - "Oh, no, you're not." - "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. - "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. -% - For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief -vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an -affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting -few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped -short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! - "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" -he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, -and the baby would have my name!" - "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, -we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be -better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." -% - Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as -usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular -evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, -such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." - One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, -and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four -fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded -in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" - They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor -remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of -the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your -thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" -% - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy -and sarcastic?" - "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. - "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." -% - "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning -to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little -apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours -in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" -% - God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter -what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, -wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. - Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone -agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and -lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, -though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along -innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% - God decided to take the devil to court and settle their -differences once and for all. - When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just -where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" -% - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home -from the club to an irate, ranting wife. - "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You -promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost -nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." - "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised -you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off -right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on -the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't -find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for -the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... -% - Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. -No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have -been worse." - To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no -hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, -"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, -found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned -the gun on himself!" - "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." - "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly -have been worse?" - "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be -dead right now." -% - Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his -proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg -and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself -to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, -nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. -All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which -she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. - The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone -in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big -surprise," smiled the bride. - Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his -leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. - "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the -Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" -% - "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." - "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." - "Do it alone?" - "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." - "How would that help?" - "Used a whip." -% - "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" - "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" - "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." - "Four hours to bury a cat!?" - "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." - "Oh, it's not dead then." - "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're -goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be -on the safe side." - "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento -to a dead cat, do you?" - -- Monty Python -% - "Hello, Police Department." - "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually -molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" - "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." - "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping -on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. -Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. -I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He -held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I -couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty -pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an -erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my -throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. -Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on -my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to -say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't -know how thick... into my... Just a minute." - "What's the matter, mister?" - "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." -% - Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled -with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John -Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't -define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - "How'd you get that flat?" - "Ran over a bottle." - "Didn't you see it?" - "Damn kid had it under his coat." -% - "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into -the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." - "Who was that?" his young wife asked. - "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." -% - "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame -society. Society made me what I am today!" - "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk -like me." - "It still... hurts... auugghh!" - "You're going to be okay..." - "...gurgle..." - "... maybe not." - -- Repo Man -% - "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," -the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" - "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to -take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the -camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, -the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind -the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. - The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed -like twenty more gallons of water. - The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, -man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" - The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the -bricks." -% - "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. - "Oh, how can you tell?" - "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't -hear the stereo." -% - I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, -"What'll you have, Bud"? - I said," I don't know, surprise me". - So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% - "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the -young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. -I'm on my way." - "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" -% - In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be -mud." - And there was mud. - And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud -can see what we have done." - And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was -man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. - "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. - "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. - "Certainly," said man. - "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. - And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" -% - In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially -announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference -today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have -a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together -in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned -around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all -those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" - There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's -citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to -these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other -than a citizen bless their country?" -% - It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and -they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. -One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with -them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" - Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful -thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the -Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well -brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." -% - It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving -in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented -Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They -said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private -life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the -Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the -Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. - -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" -% - It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the -American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, -sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different -ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" - "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this -country there's only one." - "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez -that?" - "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" - "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" -% - "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and -Jewish men?" - "You really want to know?" - "Yeah." - "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And -Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." -% - Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of -her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit -the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her -way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly -begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her -stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. - "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of -the hotel, out of breathe from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't -mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your -wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." - "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one -can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." - "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on -the dining room skylight." -% - Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't -seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating -with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, -it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate -again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This -suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many -life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis -become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: - The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After -some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. -The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the -male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until -the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the -male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on -Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office -on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for -a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies -matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. - Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome -has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is -why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled -to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it -occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. -% - Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the -mirror, admiring her breasts. - "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. - "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a -twenty-five-year-old." - "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old -ass?" - "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." -% - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. -Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, -without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In -an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to -prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports -in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get -them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're -hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced -to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll -be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have -any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in -Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to -Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman -% - "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a -barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" - "Not in California." -% - "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things -a girl should not do before twenty." - "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large -audience, either." -% - Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for -you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an -oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many -cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. - Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially -the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are -repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw -in the others. - While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture -of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took -it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. - Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had -therapy ask if people have had therapy. - Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. - -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan -% - Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the -people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many -times a job applicant has had the clap. - Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written -by a professional liar? - If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: -did the applicant go to TCU? - If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she -have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? - -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" -% - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is -saying." - The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near -the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back -to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is -singing." - "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" - "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." -% - Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of -bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the -court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed -that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 -pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the -women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band -played appropriate music. - Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. -He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth -rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved -multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. - After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the -King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped -his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, -but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. -The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored -banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." -% - One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community -and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and -turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" - Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the -one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." - The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the -way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." -% - One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to -seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp -and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone -bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the -flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, -soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid -her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. -He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, -connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. -Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." - With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with -his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly -discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying -various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost -all of its field strength. - Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her -solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to -excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing -each others fuses. - -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" -% - One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while -visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks -up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to -say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in -kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! - The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs -the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, -he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. - Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, -"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" - "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He -never writes..." -% - One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss -HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he -there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely -made his TOOTSIE ROLL. - He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT -which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she -squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3 -MUSKETEERS." - -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" -% - One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were -sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out -of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there -worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." - "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an -instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with -the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back -into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. - "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. -"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost -dark, and they say their goodnights and part. - The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes -out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, -grandpa.", he remarks. - "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." -% - "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the -science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by -some concrete example." - Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." - "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through -a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." - "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in -the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." - "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible -to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" - "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete -example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of -course arise from a choice of the wrong example." - -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" -% - Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a -state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a -dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) -and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and -eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they -shout, too): - "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" - Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he -was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers -flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: - "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" - As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of -amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! -So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck -tottering to the cliffside and shouting: - "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! -% - People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily -motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in -jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are -bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and -then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in -a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of -a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking -out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other -side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. - Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt -blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free -of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has -the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments -are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the -circuits. - When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter -of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics -junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things -that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. - -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" -% - People who write position papers often find themselves in an -enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the -position. - A good position paper will have many words in it like -"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." - You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase -limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. - Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in -position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert -Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. - A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a -semicolon. - -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" -% - Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old -has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable -Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" - The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is -definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, -gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." - The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay -Santa," she begs. - He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, -you know." - She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing -at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. - "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." - Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her -warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. - Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, -gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." -% - Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde -stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If -this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she -doesn't deserve to have any." - - James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") -failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to -remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a -major general." - - (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, -complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a -while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." - - Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly -pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening -sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing -more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand -on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning -out of the car. "Run for your life!" - - Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the -Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular -story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was -roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the -house." - "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate -maybe, but not in the House." - -% - Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the -still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. -Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his -exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" - Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." - Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of -love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a -prick." - "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I -assure you, that's a wee-wee." -% - Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a -certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his -own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I -care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young -statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my -dick." - While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was -asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. - "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a -whimsical smile, "They're assholes." - Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at -the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of -Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the -upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was -wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister -had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion -and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room -stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are -you staring at, homo?" - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% - "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of -coffee?" - "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", -answered the gentleman, rather shortly. - "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." -% - "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a -sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. - "How do you know?" the friend asked. - "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where -she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." - "So?" - "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just -say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: -"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle -in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, -but not much good in a fight." -% - The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating -a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to -his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." - So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, -please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he -sees nothing but goyim..." - "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think -you got problems. What about my son?" -% - The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough -physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, -"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away -from women." - "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's -second best?" -% - The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had -made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her -footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the -reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, -madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." - "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight -every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." - "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut -the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." - -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" -% - The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. -As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". - "What happened?" - "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and --- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" -% - The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. -After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a -branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his -wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." - The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's -horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. -Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. -"That's two," he said. - Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit -crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was -off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he -shot the horse between the eyes. - "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I -married! You're a sadist, that's what!" - The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. -% - The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- -dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he -pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he -replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." - "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. - "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." -% - The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A -waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" - "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. - As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he -wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter -returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal -two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced -a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat -from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything -with our hands," he explained. - The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even -have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this -little piece of string attached to my apron?" - "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." - The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. -"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string -comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that -piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." - "But how do you put it back?" - "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but -I use the tongs." -% - The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of -the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at -the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to -us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." - In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where -Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel -on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished -his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from -leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring -negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate -farewell is consummated between the sheets. - As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, -pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished -look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that -we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" -She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." -% - The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the -way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she -jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the -tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was -jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! -Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating -candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three -wildest girls I know. -% - The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian -period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden -frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, -as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator -sport. - The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for -castrating pigs during Sunday service. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% - The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John -Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have -stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the -way when they try to be serious." - "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get -into the ether and the cocaine." - "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug -in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just -chew it up like baseball gum." - I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with -the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then -screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out -across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from -the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just -did to us?" - -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 -% - THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION - - 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is - loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty - and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and - phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or - "Bullsheyet". - 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little - 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. - 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. - 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. - 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. - 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. - 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." - 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. - 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. -10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. - -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son - of a Gun". -% - The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did -wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too -romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. - So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be -castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue -factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was -almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. - After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time -trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually -ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look -on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. - "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" - "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand -people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" -% - The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went -for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. -"What would you like to do next?" he asked. - "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight -guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some -popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. - "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. - I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and -using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. -The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's -wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" - "Wousy," said the girl. -% - There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go -and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain -from sex for thirty days. - Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks -the first couple if they passed the test. - "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. - "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter -the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. - "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine -until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and -I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't -stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it -to her right there." - "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into -the Church after something like that." - "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us -into Safeway anymore either." -% - There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in -a bar having a few drinks together. - The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to -drive your wife wild in bed?" - "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the -garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over -her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives -her wild with desire." - "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love -I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" -Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. - "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump -out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives -her wild." -% - These two project managers were walking through a residential area -one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its -cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager -nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun --- I wish I could do that!" - Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried -it once, and the damn dog bit me!" -% - "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone -being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" - The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the -whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: - "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information -about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the -country. We're completely computerized. - "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false -leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his -real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the -country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... -yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. -I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. -He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. - "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year -we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if -your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" - -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 -% - This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks -the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four -months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. -He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls -up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special -surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just -come on over to the clinic." - "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too -embarrassed to be seen in public like this." - "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up -all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put -on a top hat, and come on over." - The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he -reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, -dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the -nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" - "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" -% - This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters -with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands -dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. - "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. - Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, -the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next -requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. - "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the -guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of -being so helpless. - "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a -*thing* 'til my nails dry!" -% - This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling -good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, -sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" - "I......I'm 21 and I I've never been kissed... -" - So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. -He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and -the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders -away feeling wonderful. - Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and -sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the -end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" - "I...I'm 21 and I've never been fucked..." - The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings -her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" -% - Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. -The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for -selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge -asked, pointing at the first girl. - "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. - "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second -girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. - "Your honor, I'm an actress." - "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about -you?" he demanded. - "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's -the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been -laid off." - "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. -Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, -arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do -for a living?" - "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." -% - Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally -ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow -shum money from my wife." - The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, -and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. -This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to -affect the husband. - "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he -asked. - "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for -Pete's sake, turn off those lights." - Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's -enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" - "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle -he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" - "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." -% - Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club -car of a train headed east out of Chicago. - "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to -London?" - The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," -he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." - The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did -he say, Reggie?" - "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman -replied. - After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You -didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" - The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he -exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months -just before I came back to the States!" - "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. - "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. -% - Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they -were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the -side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck -driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. - Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to -deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, -"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." - "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going -to be able to settle out of court." -% - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how -to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say -`ass' and I'll say `hell'". - All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their -mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. - "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." -His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, -and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" - "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass -it ain't gonna be Cheerios." -% - Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about -their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife -has cut me down to just once a week." - "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know -two guys she's cut off altogether. -% - Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering -the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the -mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he -noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, -hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and -the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're -lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he -come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner -asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally -the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he -said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at -this ungodly hour?" - The man said, "Come into the embalming room." - They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now -watch." - He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The -partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at -three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? -% - Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other -and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen -roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for -three days." - Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" - -% - We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the -drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit -lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible -roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all -swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a -hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was -screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" - Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and -was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the -hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his -eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," -I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great -Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the -bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: - A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" -% - Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt -great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt -so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS -THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no -one is mightier than you." - A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: -"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to -stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." - The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was -quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS -THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" - Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams -him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. - The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, -you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" -% - Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. -She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, -"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to -say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was -reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly -justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here -ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." - That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and -explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and -suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, -the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." - Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! -How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" -% - When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her -operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long -it would be before she could resume her sex life. - "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. -"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% - When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact -that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your -hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing -to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy -but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty -seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost -invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, -sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? - Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. -It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Rumania. - -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" -% - While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, -three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. -"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" - "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" - "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and -then. We're trying to catch her." - "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you -carrying a bucket of sand?" - "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." -% - While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself -out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to -France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting -proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you -aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets -and food. All it will cost you is a little love." - The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on -board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large -tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway -and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned -into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one -evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he -waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding -an explanation. She told him the whole story. - "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I -admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair -to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." -% - "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last -night?" demanded the irate mother. -"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." - "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the -movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." - "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. - "We did." -% - With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend -Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, -buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. - "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. - "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." - "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue -and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, -"Okay. It's your wife." - "My wife!!" - "Yeah." - "What about her?" - Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around -his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." -% - "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there -be anything else?" -% - You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an -elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you -up in the bar last night?" - "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. - "Did I bring you home?" - "Uh-huh." - "Did we, uh, fool around?" - "Uh-huh." - "Lord, I must have been tight!" - "Not any more." -% -... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured -we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful -inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion -as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the -naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we -might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do -us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their -protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear -that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in -God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect -for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most -virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are -frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus -because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity -is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar -is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to -obscure such reality. - -- Steve Allen -% -... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed -beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and -quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's -wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at -the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald -had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all -concerned... -I gan noo wha ma organs gan -When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur -So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat -Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure - And iver her purse was wet. -But old Sir Oswald allus stank -Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree -And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out -Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see - What I have done without. -But ere ye come to draw ma heart -Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry -But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me -And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die - Afore I have a pee. - -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. - 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. - 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. - 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. - 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. - 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. - 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. - 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. - 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. -10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. - 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' - quarterback. - 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. - 4. You don't have to let a beer win. - 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to - sleep with it, too. - 6. A beer helps with the houswork. - 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. - 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. - 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. -10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. - 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. - 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. - 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. - 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. - 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. - 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. - 8. A beer doesn't snore. - 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. -10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified - aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. - 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. - 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. - 4. Beer tastes good. - 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest - Hits" as much as you do. - 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. - 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. - 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. - 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty - cents less expensive. -10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste - like grass. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. - 2. Beer stains wash out. - 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. - 4. Beer never makes you wait. - 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. - 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". - 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. - 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. - 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. -10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. -% -15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. - 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. - 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. - 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. - 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. - 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". - 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. - 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. - 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. -10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. -11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. -12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. -13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. -14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. -15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". -% -18th Rule of Friendship: - A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof - to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you - ever saw. - -- Esquire, May 1977 -% -20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN - 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. - 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. - 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. - 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. - 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. - 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. - 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. - 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. - 9. A beer won't steal the covers. -10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". -11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. -12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. -13. A beer tastes good. -14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. -15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. -16. You don't have to let a beer win. -17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. -18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". -19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. -20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. -% -667 -- The neighbor of the beast. -% -68: - Do me now and I'll owe you one. -% -6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. -% -69 + 69 = dinner for 4. -% -71: - 69 with two fingers up your ass. - -- George Carlin -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. - -7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% -8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. - 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. - 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. - 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. - 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy - "just for the articles". - 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. - 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone - else's beer. - 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't - make you ill. -% -A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for -more than a year. - "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" - "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." - "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He -downed his drink and left disgustedly. -A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. -He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through -this part of town?" - "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." - Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of -thing," and turned on his heel and left. - Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on -his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the -bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people -'round here would know?" - "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." - "Seven!?" - "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, -George don't go for that kind of thing neither." -% -A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a -patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern -women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out -of the bar. - The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm -bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, -blanched and ran out of the bar. - The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written -all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." - The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame -you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." -% -A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. - "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. - "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" - "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. - "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." -% -A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of -six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully -sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from -another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise -at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on -this barren bit of land. - "Almost twenty years," he answered. - "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" - "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he -replied. - "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. - "What's that?" He looked puzzled. - Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand -beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked -how he had enjoyed it. - "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" -% -A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and -purgatory for the purse. -% -A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes -one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right -away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her -thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" - "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological -abnormalities." - "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. -"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. - "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast -cancer." - "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to -having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing -now?" - "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." -% -A beetling young woman named Pridgets -Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; - Off the end of a wharf - She once pushed a dwarf -Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he -would send his wife a telegram saying, - "Can't come home yet. Still buying." -His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. -She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month -rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, -she wired him, - "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." -% -A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression -Sold cigars at a key-club concession. - When she swiveled about - Even strong men cried out, -For her costume did not keep her flesh in. -% -A bisexual chap name of Lunt -Taught himself an unusual stunt. -He could peel back his spout -Turn the skin inside out -Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! -% -A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. -% -A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing -into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same -forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. - "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," -apologized the rabbit. - "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same -problem!" - "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do -you think you could help me find out?" - "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the -rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail -and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" - "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" - "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you -suppose you could try and tell me?" - The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold -and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have -no balls. You must be an attorney!" -% -A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. -Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute -and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after -a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few -minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him -masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. - "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" -% -A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick -fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off -the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. - The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate -to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed -himself in an accentuated manner. - "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not -Catholic!" - "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, -"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." -% -A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar -by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could -get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea -worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and -whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical -laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing -happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out -laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, -a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the -house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the -horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The -bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, -the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and -said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" - "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. - "How did you make him cry tonight?" - "I proved it." -% -A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. -% -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% -A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; -most men know it's there, but few really care. -% -A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. - - [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] -% -A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by -chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left -to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, - "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" - "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. - "No, not that." - "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." - "No, Mom. Down underneath." - His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." - Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get -a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. - "That's the elephant's trunk, son." - "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the -other end." - "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." - "No. Down there." - The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's -penis." - "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" - The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* -that woman." -% -A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. - -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" -% -A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, -watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The -guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few -moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't -hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat -shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and -they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed -the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they -passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. - "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass -with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she -sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" - The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman -at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, -he smiles and says "Fuck me!" - "What?!?!?" she screams. - "Raining like hell, isn't it?" -% -A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. -% -A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, -rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked -down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying -on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police -station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, -drowned in the lake!" - "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal -more chain than he can swim with?" -% -A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. -A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. -% -A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, - "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." -The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. -% -A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is -coming again soon. Bend over. -% -A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how -hard it was to get any sleep. - "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a -drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. - "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" - "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." -% -A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. -That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, -and that's how we'll do it now. - -- Dick Hamlet -% -A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. - -- Bobby Knight -% -A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- -it merely keeps her from enjoying it. -% -A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English -professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation -and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the -night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and -asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" - "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." -% -A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that -the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war -with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and -speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with -a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. - "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held -territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." -At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. - "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we -fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more -fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". -At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing -openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain -to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the -German Air Force. - He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". -% -A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which -they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, -however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see -what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the -scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." - Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he -would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. - "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children -must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." -% -A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest -girl there. - "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." - "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. -He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, - "This frog can eat pussy." -The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her -a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much -discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. -She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and -says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his -owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. - "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" - "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" -By now, the girl is laughing openly. - "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm -only going to show you one more time." -% -A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it -into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar -and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so -curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. - Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." -% -A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. -% -A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. -% -A hard man is good to find. -% -A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of -the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his -right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with -that?" - When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, -downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're -all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" - Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man -on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" -the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" - "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong -end of the bar." -% -A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave -the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you -told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned -home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some -of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But -soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, -the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." -Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great -thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, -but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, -Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! -Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing -worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. - "Saunders, help me please!" - "But what is it, Madame?" - "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" - "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" -% -A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When -she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, -"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." - The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" -% -A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in -the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days -and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state -line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How -do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. - The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, -there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of -110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and -third, make love to an Eskimo woman." - "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of -this here corn liquor?" - "Got one right here," replied the guard. - The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. -"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" - "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout -a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." - The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned -with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was -smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you -want killed?" -% -A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I -can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned -over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out -and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, -"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" -% -A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. - -- Norman Mailer -% -A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- -father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit -used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" - "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before -your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from -behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get -down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop -some manure from the ground and eat it!" - "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. -And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- -I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now -it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. - "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, -we had *lunch* together!" -% -A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge -Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. - "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd -backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, -thet one wuz!" - "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use -the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." - Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" - His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're -probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." - "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he -was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago -Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." - "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago -Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" - "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably -not aware of!" -% -A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. - -- Thomas Hardy -% -A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - -- Carrie Snow -% -A man always needs to remember one thing about -a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. -% -A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the -husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their -wedding night, the wife says to her husband: - - "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." -Naturally, the husband is surprised. - "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a -virgin?" - "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a -computer programmer." - "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be -a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" - "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and -tell me how great it was going to be." -% -A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, -who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the -lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, -you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see -her again. Okay?" - "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point -on the side to make it interesting?" -% -A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen -or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - -- Joan Rivers -% -A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting -next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* -Polish." - He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." -Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. - "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl -with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with -the joke. - "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" - "Nah," says the man. - "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish -man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" - "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it -five times." -% -A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up -from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously -around his bed. - "What happened?" he asks worriedly. - "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, -and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we -performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina -has been crafted into place." - "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to -tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience -another erection!" - "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of -course, have to be someone else's." -% -A man is as old as the woman he feels. - -- Groucho Marx -% -A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he -sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his -car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. - "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." - "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. - "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. - So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, -I did what you wanted, can I go now?" - "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." - "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." - "Do it again." - It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. -Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. - "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more -time." - The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him -twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. - "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" - "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; -I want you to drive her into Salerno." -% -A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman -for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well -until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at -which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, -a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, -takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. - "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely -anything to show my gratitude." - "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope -that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash -and take that damn dog for a walk!" -% -A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- -in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. - "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What -is your heart's desire?" - "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." - "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. - As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can -feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. -By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to -his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he -grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, -he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. - "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What -is your heart's desire?" - "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make -my legs longer?" -% -A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" -contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. - "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing -out in public!" - "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." - "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you -showing that thing to everybody." - And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening -when he hands her $1000. - "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want -you to?" she asks. - "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use -the money." - "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, -tears welling up in her eyes. - "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." -% -A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the -longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, -followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred -other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity -no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. - "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, -but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is -the funeral for?" - "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- -in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman -attacked and killed her." - "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you -don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" - "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." -% -A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and -antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not -from around here, are you?" - "No," replies the man with the antennae. - "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, -either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" - "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." - "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got -there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." - "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." - "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that -big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all -Martians have that?" - "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." -% -A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be -bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. -% -A man never minds being in the doghouse -as long as he can get his tail outside. -% -A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him -three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed -them one after another. - "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. - "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." - "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." - "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get -the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." -% -A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't -help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on -the train platform. - "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. - "Glad to do it," said the other man. - "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." - "It was a pleasure," said the man. - "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, -"she was a truly great lay." - The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned -to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you -to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" - "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But -Sam is a helluva nice guy." -% -A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got -some good news and some bad news." - "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. - "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches -longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. - "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" - "Malignant." -% -A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a -water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th -person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: -First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone -ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can -be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man -thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood -shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and -went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, -and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever -he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, -and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, -and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I -was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is -outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department -at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex -last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight -or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very -satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad -for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." -% -A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he -says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to -me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." - "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. - "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, -and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust -her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." - The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. - "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening -after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man -got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. -After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he -took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went -out." - "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. - "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." - "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* -that doubt!" -% -A man who likes to lie in bed can usually -find a girl willing to listen to him. -% -A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender -shoved the foaming glass in front of him. - "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold -the glass for me? - "Sure," said the bartender. - "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, -you'll find the money for the beer." - The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. - "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. -Where is the men's room?" - "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk -two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." -% -A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. -% -A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. -% -A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment -for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son -wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best -old age home that money can buy. - On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts -to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently -straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he -finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs -over and gently pushes him upright again. - The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's -being treated. - "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like -it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, -there's just one little problem." - "What's that, Dad?" - "They won't let you fart." -% -A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. -% -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good -many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and -the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% -A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, -swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked -his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. - "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" - "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. - The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" -% -A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of -Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it -anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve -the pressure. - "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the -foreman. "The other men swear by it." - The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of -his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it -every day!" - "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the -other men replied. - "Why not then?" - "That's your day in the barrel." -% -A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he -on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges -over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. -As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet -from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. -"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' -you now: Save me, Lord, save me." - Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" - "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." - "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls -to his death. - "DUMB YANKEE." -% -A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered -by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned -out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained -that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused -himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped -the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" - "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the -onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" - "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a -gallon or two." -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% -A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check -out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk -Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two. After a few -minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form -and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between -them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend -the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her -partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the -morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous -night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even -bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, -where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks -deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell -you -- I'm Thor!". - The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel -like grated cheeth!" -% -A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing -sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always -married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, -to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking -risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: -to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, -thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy -that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing -children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised -by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. - -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", - attempting to explain the lack of female interest in - pornography. -% -A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing -sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always -married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, -to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking -risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: -to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, -thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy -that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing -children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised -by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. - -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", - attempting to explain the lack of female interest in - pornography. -% -A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't -going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after -two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" - His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says -nothing. - On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after -the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" - This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting -more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again -misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the -club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife -whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" - Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the -daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't -you?" - "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." -% -A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. -% -A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time -talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade -was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to -their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of -the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and -said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" -% -A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is -true to the very end of the end of a friend. -% -A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, -who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never -speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of -unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! - -- Thackeray -% -A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his -trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in -mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited -results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented -octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door -the next morning, he asked the octopus, - "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" - "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all -night!" -% -A person who has both feet planted firmly -in the air can be safely called a liberal. -% -A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed -against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his -hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that -the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case -of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. - "What happened to your car?" - "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards -stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on -the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; -right on my key!" - "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come -down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing -yourself!" - "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" -% -A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. -% -A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. -% -A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans -over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" - The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a -Bishop." - "Well, could you get any higher than that?" - "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I -might be made an Archbishop." - "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" - "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." - "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" - Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could -be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." - "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go -up from being the Pope?" - "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" - The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." -% -A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, -commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. - The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it -the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of -field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living -room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling -beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." - Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer -looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too -obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." -% -A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone -and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided -to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she -could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent -idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, -and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say -'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" - At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." - Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes -in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on -its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" - "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. - Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes -in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. - Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a -big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, -you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" -% -A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From -his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, -sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much -to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four -pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the -condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders -for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." - Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and -says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" -% -A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. -One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. -He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. -So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. - -Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. -One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. -"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" -"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" - -They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. -They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. -And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, -Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. - -They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." -"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." -As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, -Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. - -The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. -Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. -Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, -"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." - -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" -% -A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, -all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, -Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. - "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the -cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. - "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were -all of 'em dead?" - Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but -you know how them Mex'cans lie." -% -A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex -act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and -styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity -for fun at the lad's expense. - "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. -The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in -her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and -a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a -tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now -give him the proper size. - "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a -half interest in the store." -% -A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It -happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball -greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the -third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. - The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he -swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. -The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! -Runna Mickey!" - The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him -carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. - "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins -to walk to first base. - The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" - "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." - And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud -Joe. Walka proud." -% -A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the -animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby -attendant. - "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper -pricks than those raised in Africa?" - The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, -"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are -about the same." -% -A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at -the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he -hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. - The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" - "No women? What do the men do for... er..." - "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the -answer, right there." - Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his -drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he -wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs -to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was -game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose -a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went -quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. - "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" - "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. -% -A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. -% -A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go -for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under -a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and -with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing -uncontrollably she asked her seducer, - "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" - "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. - "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. -"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" -% -A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the -greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." - Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. - "Yes, Tony?" - "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. - "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, -but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." - From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. - "Yes, Bernie?" - "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. - "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is -your apple." - When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, -the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised -that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." - "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, -but business is business." -% -A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. -% -A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the -century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very -rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry -and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had -never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. - -Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! -Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what - does it look like?" -LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my - vegetables with its tail!" -Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" -LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" -% -A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. -% -A virgin is chaste. -% -A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. -% -A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty -comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. - -- Addison -% -A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there -*for the rest of your life*. - -- Jim Samuels -% -A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed -this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an -unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" - -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why - masturbation is "by no means harmless" -% -A woman can never be too rich or too thin. -% -A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. - -- Scott -% -A woman forgives the audacity of which -her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. - -- LeSage -% -A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high -dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried -about some of the side effects she was experiencing. - "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot -with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too -much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" - The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal -side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" - "On my balls." -% -A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be -thankful for a good one. - -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings -% -A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into -the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" - The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask -people personal questions." - The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" - The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going -to tell you." - Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the -car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in -the car and watch my purse." - After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's -license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When -her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: - "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." - "That's right! How did you know?" - "And you weigh 119 pounds." - "Did you look in my purse?" - "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." - "You *do*?" - "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" -% -A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. - -- Blind Lemon Pledge -% -A woman is like your shadow; follow her, -she flies; fly from her, she follows. - -- Chamfort -% -A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive -little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. -It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. - -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" -% -A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times -over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of -pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. - -- Stendhal -% -A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. - -- Herodotus -% -A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social -pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate -woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without -love, without virtue, without sex. - -- Balzac -% -A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. - -- Pancho Villa -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. -% -A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long -as he can. - -- Moms Mabley -% -A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have -sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite -off his penis. - The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather -uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he -tell her why he won't make love to her. - "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." - "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, -come here and look for yourself." - The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. - "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" - "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* -condition." -% -A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... -She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, -three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. -% -A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve -himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis -he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member -of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him -if he is indeed a real leprechaun. - The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can -grant you three wishes." - "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" - "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the -ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes -if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken -aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After -the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. - The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" - Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" - "25." - "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" -% -A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her -daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from -a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought -out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl -who uses bad words?" - "Who told you?" - "A little bird," answered the mother. - "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been -feeding the little bastards, too!" -% -A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition -as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, -like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would -be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a -carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who -worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, -the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. -A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each -received a telegram from their sister. It read: - - I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused - when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm - going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly... -% -A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. -% -AC/DC is a rock band. - -- Bisexuality, 101 -% -Achilles' Biological Findings: - (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. - If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first - -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. -% -Adam's Law: - (1) Women don't know what they want; - they don't like what they have got. - (2) Men know very well what they want; - having got it, they begin to lose interest. -% -Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, -and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... -% -Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- -such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. -% -ADULTERY: - Putting yourself in someone else's position. -% -Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. - -- Mary Wells, advertising executive -% -After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple -are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really -starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically -rummaging through a dresser drawer. - "What are you doing?" she asks. - "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." -% -After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little -bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making -love to men?" - "That's MY business," she snapped. - "Ah," he said. "A professional." -% -After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, -attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted -for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling -and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they -were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established -a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The -girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. - "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could -be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. - "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl -like you doing in a hotel like this?" - "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." -% -After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? -% -After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested -in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan -hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints -and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully -to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to -become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had -needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, -the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a -little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the -time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, -remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your -wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the -counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. - "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" -% -After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded -bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on -his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked -on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have -you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" -% -After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, -the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted -indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." - "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some -progress." -% -After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously -embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. - "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." - "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. - "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. - "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this -drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will -embarrass us. - "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that -nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to -make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" - "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my -sister." - A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, -"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." -% -After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying -to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. - "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other -to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." - "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to -find one at three in the morning?" -% -After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that -brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." - -- Ronnie Shakes -% -After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. - -- Joan Rivers -% -Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. -% -AI hackers do it robotically. -% -AI hackers do it with robots. -% -Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. - -- Bobcat Goldthwait -% -Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. - -Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"? -A: Antler marks on their hips. -% -Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, -the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. -% -Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his -daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. - "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. - "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. - "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" - "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; -so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was -screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her -down." -% -"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains -the popularity of this field of study in computer science. -% -alimony, n: - Having an ex you can bank on. -% -All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, -a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. -% -All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell -them apart. -% -All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. -% -All I want is a girl made of wood, -With fine-grained hair and carven knee. -She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, -Oh, wooden tit be loverly? - -- Pinocchio -% -All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a -penis or a vagina. - -- Florynce Kennedy - -There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis -or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most -injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. - -- Mark Twain -% -All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, -And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, -And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, -And the lie they tell, is enough to go to -Hello, operator, give me number nine, -If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the -Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, -If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the -Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, -This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. -She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, -She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. -He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, -Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. - -- Princess -% -All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, -All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, -All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, -The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. - -All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, -All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. -All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? -The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. - -All things scabbed and ulcerous, -All pox both great and small. -Putrid, foul and gangrenous, -The Lord God made them all. - -- Monty Python -% -All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar -crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying -part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago -there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more -important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make -president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody -believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs -the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for -a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not -going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his -home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white -collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. - -- J. Feiffer -% -All work and no pay makes a housewife. -% -Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every -subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted -to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning -must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the -essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is -sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point -of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, -not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested -in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion -is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, -there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion -in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method -of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be -willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught -in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely -a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must -protest against its being taught in any other spirit. - -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 -% -Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most -of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously -appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his -proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his -superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely -inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the -responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a -natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to -the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him -on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative -anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight -to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing -up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next -week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's -your last sermon!" - -The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of -Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by -Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. -You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one -among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at -Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, -and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long -and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't -main may!'" -% -Always talk to your wife while you're -making love... if there's a phone handy. -% -ambition, n: - An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. -% -America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman -with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing -anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign - Trail" -% -America cannot be sold a can of beer without -being offered a piece of pussy along with it. - -- Julius Lester -% -America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. - -- Allen Ginsberg -% -American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise -is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, -any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations -in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how -to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her -husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him -help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges -which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young -men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this -continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred -other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the -greatest friction. - -- James Michener, "Space" -% -America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson -% -An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. -% -An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about -the happiness of life. - "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful -dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night -Football," the American said. - "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing -a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a -romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." - "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you -two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping -soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front -door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking -with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret -policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van -Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are -being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and -shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh -lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. -% -An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an -exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the -only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care -for a cigar?" he asked. - "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and -didn't like it." - "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the -businessman asked. - "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." - "Well, how about a game of billiards?" - "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." - As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my -son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." - "Your son? An only child, I presume." -% -An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife -dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the -visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All -arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black -hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a -"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. - First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, -ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" - The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our -friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy -and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our -hero. He speaks first: - "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." - "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des -capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un -capeau noir?" - "Ma femme est morte." - "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" -% -An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place -is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception -of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her -if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he -got a quick bite to eat. - "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little -Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" - Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of -an open window and takes the seat. - An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the -American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand -you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the -street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" -% -An Army travels on her stomach. -% -An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized -logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have -been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. - -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia -% -An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's -chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the -Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone -who has seen the Managing Director face on). - -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" -% -And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God -upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of -criminal at the bar of justice. - -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer -% -...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and -the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody -talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... -% -And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, -he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at -me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, -the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to -suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, -not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even -lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the -other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which -redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for -no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether -because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was -nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous -lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, -and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes -were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this -old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable -and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything -lewd in it at all. - -- Marquis de Sade -% -And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. -... a brief pause, and then Bing! -% -And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served -as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. - And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left -open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" -% -And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, -And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. - --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale -% -And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become -victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the -freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped -off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and -he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through -his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over -a piece of tail. - -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" -% -And the northern lights commenced to glow. -And she said, with a tear in her eye, -"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." - -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" -% -And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought -he was melting... -% -"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came -upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her -companion. - "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" -% -Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out -photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the -greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. -"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to -record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought -upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but -between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are -family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little -signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, -than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control -of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously -drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. -Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking -"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a -couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle -a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. -"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the -husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is -being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir -singer." - -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" -% -Another nun joke!!! - You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly -this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, -exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right -there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. -% -Another stupid gay joke!!! - You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry -daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't -serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come -in and kick your ass?" - The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo -thurstay...." - Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer -on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon -as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the -bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could -lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" - From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" -% -anxiety, n: - The first time you can't do it a second time. - -panic, n: - The second time you can't do it the first time. -% -Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through -his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. -% -Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. -% -Anything more than three shakes is for fun. -% -APL hackers take all they want. -% -Apple owners do it with mice! -% -APPOINTMENT BOOK: - The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired - invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is - December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell - it was you did during the past year. -% -Are there those in the land of the brave -Who can tell me how I should behave - When I am disgraced - Because I erased - A file I intended to save? -% -ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) - Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those - who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, - and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius - natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. -% -Arkansas: - Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. -% -As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; -and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to -be childless. - -The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, -doubtless, a separation. - -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 -% -As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that -sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it -was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. -% -As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. -% -As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex -makes the ride fun." -% -As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier -than the average asshole on the street. - -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" -% -As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices -within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by -sex." - One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we -know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, -have two alcoholics." -% -As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept -saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with -one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, -you're a veterinarian." -% -As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will -have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest -issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just -simply marvelous." -% -As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS -VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune -offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland -Driver's Handbook: - If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite -choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the -heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as -soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the -end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do -this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle -not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of -automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a -feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To -ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder -as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: - -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. - -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. - -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of -white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers, -who wear dark blue and safety orange.) - Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in -your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive -you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult -the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. -% -As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two -figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew -his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, -oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three -inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You -could have been killed!" - The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was -coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with -brakes." -% -As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." -% -Ask your boss to reconsider -- -It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. -% -Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old -woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, -she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." - -- David Letterman -% -ASS: - The masculine of "lass". -% -Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! -% -Assassins do it from behind. -% -At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that -it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over -the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's -NOT my rectum!" - "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" - Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the -room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. - "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. - "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel -off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have -numbers on it!" -% -At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. -The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went -to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. - -"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the - theologians. -"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY - SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." -% -At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the -decent men in public life. - -- Renata Adler -% -Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. -% -Australia's a lovely land -It's full of bonza blokes, -Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer -Except in Pommie jokes. - -Australians are lovely chaps -They're God's own chosen race. -If they ever see a fairy Pom -They'll smash him in the face. - -Australians like dressing up -In skirts and having fun -And that's all we were doing -When the Vice Squad came along. - -- Monty Python -% -A-Z affectionately, -1 to 10 alphabetically, -from here to eternity without in betweens, -still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, -sales talk from sales assistants - when all i want to do is lower your resistance, -no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, -love's on arrival, -she comes when she comes, -right on the target but wide of the mark... -% -B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 -% -Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. - -- Nicolas Chamfort -% -Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was -popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- -blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from -back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker -kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll -give you $10 for a blow job." - The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and -killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank -you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" - Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! -No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" -% -Balls Law: - The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat - of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. -% -BALTIMORE: - Where the women wear turtleneck - sweaters to hide their flea collars. -% -Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). -% -Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. -Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. -Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, -Unless you get a good percentage of her price. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! -% -Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! -% -Beauty, n: - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. -% -Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or -repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is -more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we -get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging -bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we -love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor -too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community -care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're -aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and -if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're -unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but -men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're -made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons -we are part of the women's liberation movement. -% -Bedfellows make strange politicians. -% -beef stroganoff, n: - A bull masturbating. -% -"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance, "I want to -confess some affairs that I've had in the past." - "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man -replied. - "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." -% -Beifeld's Principle: - The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive - young female increases by pyramidical progression when he - is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a - better-looking and richer male friend. - -- R. Beifeld -% -Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. -To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -Bend over and take it like a man! -% -Beneath this stone a virgin lies, -For her life held no terrors. -A virgin born, a virgin died: -No hits, no runs, no errors. -% -Beneath this stone lies Murphy, -They buried him today, -He lived the life of Riley, -While Riley was away. -% -Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? -Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. -Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. - It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. -% -Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. -% -BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: - The single girl's motto. -% -Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - -- Mae West -% -Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. -% -Bi now, gay later! -% -Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva -generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic -prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, -and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time -you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail -isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously -remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm -with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- -A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but -can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely -erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating -results. - -- The Joy of Sex - [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] -% -Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they -discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women -can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she -don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" -% -Birth, copulation and death. -That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; -Birth, copulation and death. - -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" -% -Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - -- Woody Allen -% -Bitch, bitch, bitch -- -That's all I ever hear, -Ever since the dog ate the baby, -"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." -% -Blow it out your ass! -% -Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain -sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. -Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk -driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. -% -BOHICA: - Bend over, here it comes again. -% -Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up -your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's -one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting -but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual -feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- -something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more -because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a -mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive -self to try it. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous -Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. -% -Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. -% -Breakfast sometime? - Sure. -Shall I call you or just nudge you? -% -Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh -Held venal traffic with a gnu. -Mistaking fore for aft one morn -Impaled herself upon its horn. - -Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun - our furred and feathered friends. -% -Brigands will demand your money or -your life, but a woman will demand both. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. -% -Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... -[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing - -- NY Times -% -Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past -week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science -students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, -with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of -the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected -to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing -revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting -the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to -campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on -Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in -addition to the usual humiliation. -% -brunette bush, n: - The dark side of the moon. -% -bug, n: - A son of a glitch. -% -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee -Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. -The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about -cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with -tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% -"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" - -- Anonymous med school student. -% -But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! -Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. - -- S.I. Hayakawa -% -But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. - -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson -% -Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. - -- Lord Beaverbrook -% -By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you -get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - -- Socrates -% -CAD: - A man who doesn't tell his wife - that he's sterile until she's pregnant. -% -CALIFORNIA: - From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or - Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or - "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." - -- Ed Moran, Covina, California -% -Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... -% -callgirl, n: - A negotiable blond. -% -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Camille's Axiom: - If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did - I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. -% -Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. - -- From the movie "Outrageous" -% -CANCER (June 21 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. - They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. - That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare - recipients are Cancer people. -% -Candy -Is dandy -But liquor -Is quicker. - -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" - -Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. - Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, - and sex won't rot your teeth. -% -Captain Hook died of jock itch. -% -"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," -the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his -client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is -a hole in the ground." -% -Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when -Communion is served there is also a salad bar. - -- Bill Marr -% -Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, -Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: - Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, - Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; -En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Chaste makes waste. -% -Chastity: - The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -CHASTITY BELT: - An anti-trust suit. - - (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) -% -Chastity is its own punishment. -% -Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget -bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. -I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. -It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, -middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a -beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head -to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to -a wedding?" - He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... -yeah." - He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You -know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." -% -Chipmunks roasting on an open fire -Jack Frost ripping up your nose -Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire -And folks dressed up like buffaloes -Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow -Helps to make the season right -Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out -Will find it hard to see tonight -They know that Santa's on his way -He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh -And every mother's child is sure to spy -To see if reindeer really scream when they die -And so I'm offering this simple phrase -To kids from one to ninety two -Although it's been said many times, many ways -Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! -% -Chorus: - I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, - I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, - And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. - I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, - I don't want me pecker blown away, - I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, - And fornicate me bloody life away!! - -Monday I touched her on the ankle, -Tuesday I touched her on the knee, -And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, -And Thursday I saw you know what, -Friday I put me 'and upon it, -Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] -And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, -And now she pays me forty quid a week! -Oh, blimey... - -[chorus] -% -CHRIST: - A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. -% -Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not -committing them? - -- Jules Feiffer -% -CHRISTIAN: - One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired - book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -CHRISTIAN: - One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far - as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. -% -Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in -a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. -In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. -% -CHRISTMAS: - A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry - salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best - response time of the entire year. -% -CHRISTMAS: - A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most - deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our - choice. -% -Christmas comes but once a year, -A time for love and laughter; -You can come much more than that, -But you have to clean up after. -% -Cinderella 10: - A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and - then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. -% -Clark Kent is a transvestite. -% -Clarke's Third Law: - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from - magic. - -G's Third Law: - In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe - is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. - -H's Dictum: - There is no magic ... -% -Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, -and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% -Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. -% -clitoris, n: - A haired trigger. -% -CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) - -Oh, give me a clone -Of my own flesh and bone - With the Y chromosome changed to X. -And when she is grown, -My very own clone, - We'll be of the opposite sex. -Chorus: - Clone, clone of my own, - With the Y chromosome changed to X. - And when we're alone, - Since her mind is my own, - She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - -- Randall Garrett -% -Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! -% -COCAINE: - The thinking man's Dristan. -% -Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. -% -Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -% -Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. -% -Cocaine's a joke! - (Who's got the next line?) -% -cock-sucker, n: - Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. -% -Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. -What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? - -- Orben's Current Comedy -% -Coito ergo sum -% -coitus interruptus, n: - A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) - "I want to have your child." -% -Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as -ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to -endure marriage. But she? - -- Franz Kafka -% -COLD: - When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. -% -cold, adj: - When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. -% -College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, -and nine months later you wish you'd never come. -% -Come along and sing a song and join our family. -B & D -S & M -Post to A.S.B.! -Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. -B & D -S & M -Post to A.S.B.! -A.S.B.! - (A.S.B.!) -A.S.B.! - (A.S.B.!) -Come on now, let's try another tie! - (Tie! Tie! Tie!) -All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. -B & D -S & M -Post on A.S.B.! - -- To the Mickey Mouse March -% -Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! -Catholic girls start much too late, -Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, -I might as well be the one. -Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, -Built you a temple and locked you away, -Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, -The things that you might have done. -So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, -Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, -That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, -Never lets in the sun. -Darling, only the good die young! - -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" -% -Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. - -- Mae West -% -COMMENT: - A superfluous element of a source program included so the - programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing - six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according - to those who think they aren't. -% -Communists do it without class. -% -Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. -% -computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: - Hot Apple pie. -% -Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. - - [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] -% -Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms. - -- Robin Williams -% -Confucius say: - man who lay girl on hill, not on level. - man who pull out too fast leave rubber. - man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. - modern house without toilet uncanny. - man with athletic finger make broad jump - woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before - they shoot. - man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. - woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. - child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission - turn out to be shiftless bastard. - a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. - man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! -% -Confucius say: - man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. - man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. - man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. - boy who play with himself pulls boner. - woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. - man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. - man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. - man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. - man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, - get exhausted. -% -Confucius say: - woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. - woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring - next spring. - man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. - passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. - man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. - man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. - woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. - woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. - Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. - squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. - eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. - seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. -% -Confucius say: - woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. - fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. - woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. - man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. - man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. - man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. - man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. - man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. - man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. - man who streak unsuited for work. - woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. - man who beat off in car have hot rod. -% -CONFUSION: - One woman plus one left turn. -EXCITEMENT: - Two women plus one secret. -BEDLAM: - Three women plus one bargain. -CHAOS: - Four women plus one luncheon check. -% -confusion, n: - Father's Day in San Francisco. -% -CONSULTANT: - Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. -% -continental breakfast, n: - A roll in bed with some honey. -% -Coors, n: - Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. -% -Copa-ulation: -(to the tune of Copacabana) - -Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, -She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, -And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, -And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, -His favorite drink is cream in coffee, -Won't you order one? - -At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... - -Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, -But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, -Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, -She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, -But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, -But a real good time ... -% -Couples in motion have moments. -% -courage, n: - Two cannibals having oral sex. -% -Cover your stump before you hump. -Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. -Don't be silly... protect your Willie. -Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. -If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. - -- National Condom Week -% -Cox's philosophy: - Life's a bitch, then you die. -% -coyote love, n: - Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles - bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you - chew off your arm at the shoulder. - -coyote ugly, adj: - When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for - a one-armed man! -% -coyote love, n: - Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles - bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you - chew off your arm at the shoulder. - -coyote ugly, adj: - When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for - a one-armed man! - -See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically -as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. -% -"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple -and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and -because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be -more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our -entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing -honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment -to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any -general understanding of science as an enterprise? - -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" -% -crew, n: - Eight big men and their cute little cox. -% -Crinklaw's Observation: - Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, - marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. -% -Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. -% -Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. -% -Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, -"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" - "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was -captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." -% -Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, -Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? -I really must beg your pardon, -But I've got a hell of a hard-on, -From beating my meat, against the seat, -Of a bicycle built for two. - -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" -% -Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. -% -Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? -FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! -% -Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car -from Avis again. - -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an - axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his - rented car. - -If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on -me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. - -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being - arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. - - At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time -stand-up guy. - Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. -He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong -path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison -sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. - Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything -you wish to say?" - "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've -got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, -you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." - -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" -% -Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. -% -Dave has an aeroplane, -In which he likes to frisk. -Oh what a foolish boy, -His silly *. -% -David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. -% -Dear Abby: - I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was -a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my -sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother -is a graduate student attending Purdue University. - Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison -for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very -much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. - My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? - - Sincerely, - Undecided. -% -Dear Abby: - I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I -think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember -from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? - --Confused - -Dear Confused: - If she coughs, fuck her. -% -Dear Ann Landers: - I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois -Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death -in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when -I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father -sells narcotics. - I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where -she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love -this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her -about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? - -- Confused. -% -Dear Ann Landers: - My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims -one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to -know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. - -- E.J. Mayfield -% -Dear Lord, observe this bended knee -This visage meek and humble, -And hear this confidential plea -Voiced in reverent mumble: - Give me Shylock, give me Fagin - But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - -- Ansel Adams -% -Dear Miss Manners: -Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. - -Gentle Reader: -Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. -If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic -discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, -and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth -along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, -however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more -intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your -pink tongue. -% -Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this -telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: - "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." -% -Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely -housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. -The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that -were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make -him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just -put one in whatever he's drinking." - Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter -and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped -up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family -dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking -they were aspirin. - When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping -the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight -of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. -"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. - "See that mosquito?" he replied. -% -Dial 911. Make a cop come. -% -diaphragm, n: - A childproof cap. -% -dicker, v: - What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. -% -Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? - -- Ed Sanders -% -Did you hear about... - the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? -% -Did you hear about... - the plastic surgeon who hung himself? -% -Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother -her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't -ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that -she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next -question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told -him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question -again. - Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply -asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he -had found the answers to all of his questions! - "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh -125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" -% -Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? -% -Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? -You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. -% -Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year? -Found the body. -% -Did you know that some people your age have sex -thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? -% -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? -% -Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? -% -Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same -room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! - -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings -% -Disclaimer of the Week: - Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. -% -Disillusioned words like bullets bark, -As human gods aim for their mark, -Make everything from toy guns that spark -To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. -It's easy to see without looking too far -That not much is really sacred. -% -Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. -% -DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! -UP PERISCOPE!!! - -(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) -% -divorce, n: - A change of wife. -% -Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? -% -Do married women make the best wives? -% -Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first -step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. - -- DeGourmont -% -Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, -For though the world stood up -And stopped the bastard, -The bitch that bore him is in heat again. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -Do something big -- fuck a giant. -% -"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. -"Who else?" answered the patient. -% -Do you smoke after sex? -Why, do you know, I've never looked! -% -Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. -% -Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, -very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - -- Dick Brandon -% -Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? - -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" -% -Does it rape elephants? - -- Brent Byer -% -Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. -It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. -% -Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men -are strange as hell. - -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" -% -Don't dip your wick in a WAC, -Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, - Just sit in the sand - And do it by hand, -And buy bonds with the money you save. -% -Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. -% -Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the -idea that I'm knocking the American system. - -- Al Capone -% -Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. - -- Woody Allen -% -Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. - -- Woody Allen -% -Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - -- Bo Diddley -% -Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! -% -Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. -% -Dope will get you through times of no money -better than money will get you through times of no dope! - -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" -% -Down by the old model T, -Where she first showed it to me. - It was furry and black, - And she called it a crack, -But it looked like a manhole to me. -% -Draft beer, not boys! -% -Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, -but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing -exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. - -- Grace Slick -% -Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. -% -Dull women have immaculate homes. -% -During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of -Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, -Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I -read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like -that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher -said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a -well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described -the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his -misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to -say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz -nuts.'" - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon -% -dyke, n: - A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own - tampons. -% -Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. -% -Dyslexics have more fnu. -% -DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! -% -Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. -% -Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. -% -Eat shit and die a virgin! -% -Economists are still trying to figure out why the -girls with the least principle draw the most interest. -% -EE's do it without shorts. -% -Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. - -- Chinese Proverb -% -Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - -- Jackie Mason -% -Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: - 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, - and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. - 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. - 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber - ...is married - ...is on penicillin - ...likes you -- but loves your brother! - 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. - 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. - 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". - 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. - 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. - 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. - 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. - 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. -% -embarrassment, n: - Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. -% -Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant -professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast -as a male schlemiel. - -- Ewald Nyquist -% -Erogenous zone, n: - The skin you touch to love. -% -eternity, n: - The length of time between when you come and he leaves. -% -Evangelists do it with Him watching. -% -Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. -% -Evening hours "all clear" for romance! -(Tell mate you have to work late.) -% -Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you -wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? - -- George Carlin -% -Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? -Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? -% -Every harlot was a virgin once. - -- William Blake -% -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start -closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive -like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume -and at least a pint of ether. - -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start -closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then -drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start -closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and -then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, - Amen!" -Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" -Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" -Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" -New-Bruce: "No!" -Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: - Rule One!" -Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" -Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos - in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" -Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" -Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not - drinking. Rule Five..." -Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" -Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." -Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" -Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This - here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a - bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! - -- Monty Python -% -Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. -Except for women. -% -Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus -Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" -and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". -% -Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans -are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. - Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by -cats. - You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. - They're neat. - They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something -about it. - They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. - They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? - What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. -It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to -do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. -% -Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. - -- Ellyn Mustard -% -exotic dancer, n: - A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. -% -falsie salesman, n: - Fuller bust man. -% -Famous last words: - 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. - 2: You and what army? - 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. - 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't - be a cop. - 5: I don't see how they make a profit - out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. - 6: We're just getting into semantics again. - 7: Everything's under control. - 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! -% -Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full -of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, -long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... - -- James Joyce -% -Fed some caviar to my girlfriend -She was a virgin tried and true -Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' -There ain't nothin' she won't do! - Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - - Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. - Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' - That's why caviar is my dish! - -Fed some caviar to my Grandpa -He was a man of ninety-three -Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma -He had chased her up a tree! - (chorus) -% -felt tip, v: - Past tense for a breast examination! -% -Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a -flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? - -- Rita Rudner -% -female, n: - Life support system for a pussy. -% -Feminism, n: - A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that - both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. -% -Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. -% -Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of -women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their -handbags are full. - -- Earl Wilson -% -Fie for shame, -you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, -libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! -% -Fig Newton. -% -Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -% -Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, -Are powerful wardens upon chastity. - -- Geoffrey Chaucer -% -Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. - -Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? -Tarzan: Tarzan first name. -Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? -Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. -Reporter: And who is the woman with you? -Tarzan: That Jane. -Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? -Tarzan: Cunt. -% -First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, -Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, -Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll -And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. -Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, -You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, -Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, -Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! -Doin' the Vatican Rag. - -So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, -Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, -Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, -And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, - Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! - -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" -% -Five-foot nine, eyes that shine -He was born in Palestine -Has anybody seen my Lord? - -He's so cool, he's so fine -Eat his bread and drink his wine -Has anybody seen my Lord? - -He's so neat, he's so cool, -Walks across my swimming pool. -Has anybody... -% -Flirt, n: - A girl whose favorite man is the next one. -% -Floating idly one day through the air, -A circus performer named Blair, - Tied a sizeable rock, - To the end of his cock, -And shattered a balcony chair. -% -Floppy now, hard later. -% -Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself -to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched -by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really -bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole -life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno -gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended -and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. -Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of -a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final -appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, -Mr. Joe Gideon!! - -- All That Jazz -% -For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. -% -For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. -% -For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. -% -For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, -Getting housewives' attention's no chore: - He's endowed with a dong - That is 12 inches long, -So he wedges his foot in the door. -% -For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. - -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry - -When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. - -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" -% -For children, a woman. -For pleasure, a boy. -For sheer ecstasy, a melon. -% -For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an -exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was -raised! -% -For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral -sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was -simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let -alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and -one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was -over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, -sweetheart?" - He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no -cocksucker!" -% -fornication, n: - Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 - -Sex: - Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of -foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. - -Maturity: - Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can -function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards -and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school -romances rarely work out. - -Handwriting: - To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just -chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their -"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their -"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even -when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 - -Sexual frequency: - The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every -morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to -have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. - -Shopping: - It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. -Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he -will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. -He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in -color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him -half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished -his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to -relax. -% -Fortune Personals: - SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have - own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries - only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. - -Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? -Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. -Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. -Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some - contraceptives. -^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. -Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. -Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish - Inkvizicion. Inquisition. -La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. -Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. -^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, - vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? -% -Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! - -Try: - [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) - ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) - "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? - %blow (C shell) - 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) - got a light? (C shell) - !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) - PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) - make love - make "the perfect dry martini" - man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) - i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) -% -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 - -You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this -proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your -proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into -your coffee. You: - - (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. - (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. - (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his - "In" basket. - (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. -% -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 - -You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and -tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players -live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: - - (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't - remember your name. - (b) Ask what position she played. - (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. - (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask - if he recognizes the label. -% -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 - -You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be -your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into -the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention -to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone -in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as -his daughter. Your next move is to: - - (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. - (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. - (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the - daughter and get her number. - (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. -% -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 -You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January -and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live -there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: - - (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your - name. - (b) Ask what position she played. - (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if - he recognizes the label. -% -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 - -You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives -in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and -egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. -Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass -bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: - - (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. - (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. - (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. -% -Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality -could go either way. -% -Fortune's Guide to Movies: -G: No girl. -PG: The hero gets the girl. -R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. -X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure - which end it will be. -XXX: Everybody gets the girl. -% -Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 - - Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if -you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. -If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch -you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent -of rape and should be avoided at all cost. - Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do -you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things -rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously -not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. - Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about -"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., -they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you -don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", -are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally -scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for -rational discussion. (See above.) -% -Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 - -The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical -recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for -30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the -final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call -the author of that memo: - 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. - 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping - cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos - are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. - 3: something unpleasant. -The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone -has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern -electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning -of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of -the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via -a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 - - Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 - - Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. -% -Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual -Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game -shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", -one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for -us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" - "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual -medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally -decided to have the vagina removed." - The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You -mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all -these years?" -% -France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear -the toilet paper. - -- Billy Wilder -% -From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the -fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The -moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and -whispered, - "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine -inches?" -There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, - "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times -in a row!" -% -Fuck art; let's dance! -% -Fuck off and die! -% -Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. -% -Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! -% -fuck-me-pumps, n: - Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. -The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with -heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around -them properly. -% -fuckoff, n: - The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. -% -Gardeners do it in raised beds. -% -GARTER: - An elastic band intended to keep a woman - from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -% -Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive -Donna Rice home. -% -GAY: - One who'd rather swish than fight. -% -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because -you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too -little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. -% -Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? - -- Mae West -% -Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. -% -George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to -find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He -leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the -bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the -foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw -another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up -at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" -% -George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he -also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? -Because George still had the axe in his hand. -% -GEORGIA: - Where kinky sex means getting laid. -% -"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." -"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" -"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" -"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" - -"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif -you'd like to go out with me!" - -Oh my god you little Geek! -Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, -I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. -You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, -I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. - I'm too hot, too hot for you. -Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! -I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer -You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, -Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. -I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, - But you'll only see me in you dreams. -"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. -"Well, she didn't say no..." - -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" -% -GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! -% -Get your bytes from our backend! - -- Britton Lee -% -Getting an education at the University of California -is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. -% -Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel -Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. - But her genital area - Is so vast it'll scareya, -And you venture inside at your peril. -% -Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle - Lean closer. -Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle - Smile at her *knowingly*. -Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle - Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. -Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle - Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. -Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle - Look sincere. - -"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" - - God's gift to women strikes again. - -- J. Feiffer -% -Gimme that old bisexuality, -Gimme that old bisexuality, -Gimme that old bisexuality, -'Cause it's good enough for me! - -It was good for David Bowie, -It was good for David Bowie, -It was good for David Bowie, -And it's good enough for me! -% -Girls are better looking in snowstorms. - -- Archie Goodwin -% -Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! -% -Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation -that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with -certain curvilinear properties. - -- Ashley Montagu -% -Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for -yourself! -% -Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, -however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen -upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you -have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -Girls who throw themselves at men, -are actually taking very careful aim. -% -Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. -% -Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - -- Mae West -% -Give me Librium or give me Meth. -% -Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! -% -GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: - A girl into choral sex. -% -Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, -and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. -% -God is a polytheist. -% -God is an atheist. -% -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. -% -God is not dead -- he's been busted. -% -God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here -on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these -divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No -checks, please. Cash and in small bills. - -- Lazarus Long -% -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% -God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. -% -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% -God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. -% -God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on -where to go. - "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. - "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. - "Well, how about Mercury?" - "No, it's too hot there." - "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" - "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was -there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're -still talking about it." -% -God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love -Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it -will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else -in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply -for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule -over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the -turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent -bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to -impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, -for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette -without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral -dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming -(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well -that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than -expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. -% -Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello -is fatal to a virgin. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" -% -Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields -Sold in a market down in New Orleans -Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright -Hear him whip the women, just around midnight - -Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? -Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should - -Drums beating cold English blood runs hot -Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop -House boy knows that he's doing alright -You should a heard him just around midnight. -... -I bet your mama was tent show queen -And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen -I'm no school boy but I know what I like -You should have heard me just around midnight. - -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" -% -Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love -"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. -It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). -Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players -unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in -the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this -simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. -Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be -able to get loose. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. -% -Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! -Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently... - -Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, -isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. - -It's swell to have a Stiffy, -it's divine to have a Dick, -from the tiniest little Tadger, -to the world's greatest Prick. - -So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, -Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. - -Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, -your Porky or your Cock, -you can wrap it up in ribbons, -you can stick it in your sock! - -But, don't take it out in public, -or they will stick you in the dock, -and you won't come back. - -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python -% -good scout, n: - Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. -% -Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his -window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* -good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming -voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and -the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but -great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. -Gorbachev then woke up Raisa and his closest aides, brought them into his -bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, -"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" -Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his -day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. - Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he -dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, -Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to -you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, -asshole! I'm in the West now!" -% -Grain grows best in shit. - -- U.K. LeGuin -% -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% -Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. -% -great lover, n: - A man who can breathe through his ears. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 - -On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then -Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought -them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought -I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from -his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs -in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service -men stood lookout. -% -Gross, adj.: - When your bloody mary still has the string in it. -% -Gross, adj.: - When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and - slips you some tongue. -% -Gynecologist, n: - Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. -% -HACKER: - A master byter. -% -Hackers do it bottom-up. -% -Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. -% -Hackers do it with bugs. -% -Hackers do it with fewer instructions. -% -Hackers have kernel knowledge. -% -Hackers know all the right MOVs. -% -Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half -are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing -is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? - -- From alt.sex -% -Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? -% -Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. -Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- - Babies' diapers. -- - Bottom wipers. -- -Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. -% -Handy hint: - A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute - when you're out of tampons. -% -Hang gliders come down very slowly. -% -Hangover, n: - The burden of proof. -% -HAPPINESS: - Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. -% -Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to -mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference -between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep -or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses -his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. -Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the -22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The -determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement -program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, -lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the -rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. - On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck -by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How -could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" - "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't -recognize you." -% -Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished -when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his -boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, -off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting -that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, -he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with -a stretcher. - "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." -Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the -enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. - "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, -feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" -Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, - "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." -Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" -% -Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to -America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials -difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we -got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico -by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, -but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our -attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. -General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take -up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't -thought of this... -% -Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman -President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got -my period." - -- Steven Moore -% -Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or -uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But -if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't -laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God -other parts of our bodies are dumber. -% -Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I -mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with -water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom -is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians -don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a -damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and -Shirley" week after week. - -- Dave Barry -% -Have you seen how Sonny's burning, -Like some bright erotic star, -He lights up the proceedings, -And raises the temperature. - -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" -% -Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used -for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such -attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous -as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the -Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God -finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - -- R.E. Masters -% -Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to -satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical -powers. - After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. -Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating -the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will -work only three times. Make use of them wisely." - As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," -he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. -"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. - He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. -The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. - "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. - Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside -and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. - "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. -"Beep-beep!" - "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. -"What's all this beep-beep shit?" -% -Having made a remark rather coarse, -A young lady was seized with remorse; - She fled from the room, - And later, a groom -Saw her rolling about in the gorse. - -- Edward Gorey -% -He: Am I... am I your first? -She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... -% -He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" -She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." -% -He: So, what do you say to little fuck? -She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." -% -He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, -But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. - -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" -% -He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, -muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. -But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, -a pocket camera? - -- An Exciting Journey -% -He dove down overweighted with lead. -Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. - He flapped and he flailed, - Spit his hose and he wailed, -Swallowed water and found himself dead. -% -He drank with curvy Mable, -The pace was fast and furious, -He slid beneath the table, -Not drunk but merely curious. -% -He grabbed me by my slender neck, -I could not call or scream. -He dragged me to his tiny room, -Where we could not be seen. -He tore away my filmy wrap, -And gazed upon my form. -I so cold and frightened, -While he so strong and warm. -He pressed me to his thirsty lips, -I gave him every drop. -He drained me of my very self, -I could not make him stop! -And that is why you see me here, -An empty, broken bottle of beer... -% -He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. -So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything -unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I -do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey -hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. - "We've got her here, but only for the day." - The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went -into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his -cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing -but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided -that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and -asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" - "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group -of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching -a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. - "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really -great!" - The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here -a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" -% -He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. -% -He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. -% -He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- -scared it'd get serious. -% -He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." -% -He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth -and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. - -- Fred Allen -% -He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- -Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. -It's the only job he's qualified for! - -- Michael Cain -% -He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. -% -He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, -pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. -% -He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. -% -He who trains his tongue to quote the learned -sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Hear about... - one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you - have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? -% -Hear about... - the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow - Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? -% -Hear about... - the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing - the bed? -% -Hear about... - the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and - started chiseling on his wife? -% -Hear about... - the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing - his whatchamacalit? -% -Hear about... - the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and - demanded a salary on next week's advance? -% -Hear about... - the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? - Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. -% -Hear about... - the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to - go up on him? -% -Hear about... - the careless canary that did it for a lark? -% -Hear about... - the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? -% -Hear about... - the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? - The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure - which end it will be. -% -Hear about... - the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to - a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? -% -Hear about... - the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? -% -Hear about... - the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the - wrong foot? -% -Hear about... - the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't - get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. -% -Hear about... - the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed - everybody in the joint? -% -Hear about... - the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and - asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? -% -Hear about... - the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and - next morning found she was six months pregnant? -% -Hear about... - the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he - fired them? -% -Hear about... - The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed - her between the limbs? -% -Hear about... - the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? -% -Hear about... - the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly - accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. -% -Hear about... - the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? -% -Hear about... - the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? -% -Hear about... - the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the - delinquency of a major? -% -Hear about... - the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went - to the front? -% -Hear about... - the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex - education when she heard the final exam would be oral? -% -Hear about... - the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and - then his wife didn't leave town? -% -Hear about... - the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider - marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? -% -Hear about... - the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local - sailors? -% -Hear about... - the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, - so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? -% -Hear about... - the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was - such a sweet liquor? -% -Hear about... - the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator - off? -% -Hear about... - the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? -% -Hear about... - the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost - his ball bearings. -% -Hear about... - the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he - lost his ball bearings? -% -Hear about... - the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? - Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. -% -Hear about... - the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that - he'd never be able to face his girl again? -% -Hear about... - the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? -% -Hear about... - the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? -% -Hear about... - the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his - assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? -% -Hear about... - the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and - so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? -% -Hear about... - the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? -% -Hear about... - the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose - a lot more than letters behind the files? -% -Hear about... - the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are - with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? -% -Hear about... - the little boy that found a fifty cent - piece, so he went home for some money? -% -Hear about... - the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home - for some money? -% -Hear about... - the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on - Palm Sunday, of course. -% -Hear about... - the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New - York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? -% -Hear about... - the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that - he'd never be able to face his girl again? -% -Hear about... - the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often - that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? -% -Hear about... - the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk - and they eat each other. -% -Hear about... - the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, - crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? -% -Hear about... - the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in - Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. -% -Hear about... - the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in - single bars -- BANG AMERICARD? -% -Hear about... - the new rule at the girls' school? - Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. -% -Hear about... - the new vitamin made from chicken blood, - it makes men cocky and women lay better? -% -Hear about... - the nurse they thought had drowned - until they found her under the doc? -% -Hear about... - the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? -% -Hear about... - the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? -% -Hear about... - the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? -% -Hear about... - the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into - a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? -% -Hear about... - the real smart girl who could play post-office all night - without getting any mail in her box? -% -Hear about... - the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the - men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? -% -Hear about... - the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought - someone would grab his seat? -% -Hear about... - the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? -% -Hear about... - the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. -% -Hear about... - the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"? -% -Hear about... - the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a - wide receiver? -% -Hear about... - the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell - off the sofa? -% -Hear about... - the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have - to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? -% -Hear about... - the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her - feel like a new man? -% -Hear about... - the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a - new man? -% -Hear about... - the young lady attacked in San Francisco? - By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. -% -Hear about... - the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as - Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because - she's a wonderful mount? -% -Hear about the... - guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that - if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. -% -Hear that... - bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous - Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? -% -Hear that... - the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization - in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member - in good standing? -% -Hear that... - the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your - collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? -% -Hear that... - the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled - "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? -% -Hear that... - there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky - tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? -% -Hear that... - those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male - version -- with nuts of course? -% -Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. -Seems he's screwing everyone but her. -% -He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie -They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. - So he put Spanish fly - In their pudding and pie -And had the first tiny-tot orgy. -% -Heisenberg may have done it. -% -"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, -"I won't suck his filthy old prick! - It's not that I funk - At a mouthful of spunk, -But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" -% -"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..." - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -Hello, children!! - This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. - Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap - and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! - - One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her - tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he - grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and - hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. - - Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. - He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the - pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* - of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. - - Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic - oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted - glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** - and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** - the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. -% -Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! - -- Bisexuality, 101 -% -Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) -% -HENPECKED HUSBAND: - One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. -% -Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. -% -Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', -Just gave birth to another Texan. -% -Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue -of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with -the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it -when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the -suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it -over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until -one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under -an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling -stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was -illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the -court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, -The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. -He spent his life in a futile hunt, -To find a woman with a spiral cunt. -And when he did, he dropped stone dead, -'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! -% -Here's to the girl in little red shoes, -She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, -She has no cherry, but that's no sin, -She has the box the cherry came in. -% -Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, -She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack -She feels so fine and kisses so sweet -She makes things stand that have no feet. -% -Here's to the girl that's sweet, -Here's to the girl that's true, -Here's to the girl in all our hearts... - -In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for -the rest of the night? -% -Here's to the woman beautiful and devine -she flowers every month bears fruit every nine -she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell -can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. -% -Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling -into her hands. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -HERMIT: - A man who'd rather get off by himself. -% -HERPES: - The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. - Much better. -% -He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. - -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza -% -He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to -read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. -% -He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; -he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. -% -Hey baby! - How 'bout a brutal face fuck? -% -HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: - A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to -become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just -like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. -They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents -today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the -male or female edition. -% -HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: - Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! -Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques -for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. -% -HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: - Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an -oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! -% -Hickory Dickory Dock, -Three mice ran up a clock! -The clock struck one, -Right in the balls! - -There was an old woman, -Who lived in a shoe, -Who had so many children, -Her uterus fell right out. -% -Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational -Yale University Extracurricular -Gave up misogyny Heterosexual -Opened its door. Fun is in store. -% -Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! -% -Home is where the hurt is. - -- Strange de Jim -% -Honest, officer, had I known my health was -in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! -% -HONOR: - Almost as good as in 'er. -% -horny, adj: - When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. -% -Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. -Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another -weak sister to be shored up. - -- J.R. Ewing -% -HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN - Vol. I -- Etiquette - -1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then - scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" -2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. -3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil - it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've - seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" -4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. -5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a - toy submarine. -% -How can you say that the world isn't -Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? -% -How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? -% -How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the -government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was -gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. -We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! -% -How should they answer? - -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question - "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" -% -How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? -Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. -% -HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 - Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with - Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and - be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between - the keys. -% -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - -- John Valby -% -Hugh Hefner is a virgin. -% -Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the -bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. -% -Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. -% -hypocrite, n: - A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. -% -I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this -country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - -- Steve Martin -% -I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. -You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's -going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because -you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on -a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... - -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach. -% -I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost -perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are -too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it -the one immortal blemish of mankind. - -- Fredrich Nietzsche -% -I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that -I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll -just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed -about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his -hand on the nuclear button." - -- Richard Nixon -% -I came; I saw; I fucked up. -% -I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute -dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing -and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. - -- Betty MacDonald -% -I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the -afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. - -- Gore Vidal -% -I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. - -- Peter Knight -% -I choked Linda Lovelace. -% -I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, -but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs -and wallowing in its odor. - -- Salvador Dali -% -I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; -here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully -rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined -5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after -absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! --- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the -Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, -& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I -began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the -Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before -they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of -Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of -Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every -week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my -Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! - -- William Cobbett, British journalist -% -I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. -% -I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. - -- Bisexuality, 101 - - [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] -% -I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. - -- W.C. Fields -% -I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let -them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save -the plan. - -- Richard Nixon -% -I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the -money and all the pussy. - -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" -% -I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. - -- The Undergraduate -% -I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone -I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win -If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In -Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal -My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was - Breaking My Heart -Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer -Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You -When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living - With You Is the Pits -I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger - -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" -% -"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his -marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." -% -I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is -one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. -% -I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. -It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her - just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". -I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" -And she replied, "A Stetson." -% -"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," -sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the -cows came home." -% -I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about -Italians -- they're so Jewish. - -- Kay Ballard -% -I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... -boy, were they mad! - -- Stephen Wright -% -I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve -years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled -"Made in Taiwan". - -- The Stunt Man -% -I have a funny daddy -Who goes in and out with me -And everything that baby does -Daddy's sure to see, -And everything that baby says, -My daddy's sure to tell. -You must have read my daddy's verse. -I hope he fries in Hell. - -- Ogden Nash -% -"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," -the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for -the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that -it was enough to make a blown man cry." -% -I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. - -- Will Rogers -% -I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us -take our fill of love until the morning. - -- Proverbs 7:17-18 -% -I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, -but when I tried it I kept falling off. -% -I knew Leo G. Carrol -Was over a barrel -When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] -And I really got hot -When I saw Jeanette Scott -Fight a trifid that spits poison and kills. - -Science fiction, double feature -Doctor X will build a creature. -See androids fighting Brad and Janet -Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet -Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh -At the late night, double feature, picture show. - -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show -% -I know a Polack his name is Cliff, -Hey-la-de-la-de-la. -He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, -Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. - -I know a girl, her name is Serafina, -Hey-la-de-la-de-la. -She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, -Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. - -I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, -Hey-la-de-la-de-la. -She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, -Hey la-de-la-de-lo. - -- Doctor Dirty -% -I know of a fortunate Hindu -Who is sought in the towns that he's been to - By the ladies he knows, - Who are thrilled to the toes -By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. -% -I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! -Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! - -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead -% -I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust -an Englishman in the dark. - -- Duncan Spaeth -% -I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. -% -I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family -is to bring a New Yorker home first. -% -I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. -% -I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come -into my neighborhood after dark. - -- Dick Gregory -% -I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought -it was hell. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. -% -I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. - -- Lyndon Baines Johnson -% -I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. - -- Lyndon Johnson -% -I only date queers. - -- Bisexuality, 101 - - [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] -% -I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless -bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed -as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. - -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry -% -I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital -intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -I shot a query into the net. -I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten -But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; -And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please - Don't send such drivel overseas; -A lawyer sent me private mail -And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: -I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; -And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile - And criticized my writing style. -Each day I scan each Subject line -In hopes the topic will be mine; -I shot a query into the net. -I haven't got an answer yet... - -- Ed Nather -% -I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around -with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. - -- Barry Goldwater - -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. - -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's - suggestion that all good Christians should be against - Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court -% -I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse -than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I think the Mormon prophet -Was a very funny man. -I wonder how his wives enjoyed -His Prophet Sharing Plan. -% -I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. - -- Strange de Jim -% -I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we -had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized -dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery -from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle -Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were -with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for -them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of -an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets -of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near -to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? -What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a -Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, -the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties -of an Untenured Professor? - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% -I want a girl that can swallow my pride. - -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" -% -I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. - -- Dudley Moore -% -I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. -% -I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. -I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. - -- Firesign Theatre -% -I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. -% -I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island -by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me -about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. - "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my -two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" - As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that -dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" - As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See -that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they -call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" -% -"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear -grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up -and stuck it in my back." - "What did you do?" - "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." -% -I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played -a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one -of them had V.D. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I wish I was a fascinating lady -With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady -I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night -I'd live in a house with a little red light -And once a month I'd take a small vacation -And leave all the men to their imagination -And once in a while I'd go all wild -And have myself an illegitimate child -I wish I were a fascinating lady -Instead I'm the minister's child -% -I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. -% -I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of -having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. - -- R. Geis -% -I'd like to give the world a hug -And tell it jokes and stuff -And pull its pants down to its knees -And chase it through the rough - -Then tie it up with bonds and straps -And search its purse for change -Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall -With our cousin who's deranged ... - -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial -% -I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. -% -"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young -man as its logo." - -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" -% -I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. -% -If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, -does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? -% -If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? -% -If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, -He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. -% -If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. -% -If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. - -- Malcolm Bradbury -% -If God had wanted people to give blow -jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. -% -If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, -would He have made it look like a taco? -% -If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? -% -If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. - -- George Carlin -% -If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, -In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. -If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper -I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. -If I had a penis I'd take it to parties -Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. -I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. -I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. - -I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. -I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. -I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; -I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. -If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; -Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. -I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... -Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. -[Chorus] - A penis to plunder, a penis to push - 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. - A penis to love me, a penis to share, - To pick up and play with when nobody's there. - -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" -% -If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. - -- Tommy Earl Bruner -% -If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -If it's not one thing, it's a mother. -% -If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible -carpenter. - -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood -% -If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot -to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think -the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* -pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get -lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets -lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and -think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive -Net Mail ... - -- Casey Leedom -% -If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. -% -If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -% -If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. -% -If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to -masturbate. - -- Diogenes the Cynic -% -If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. - -- Mel Brooks -% -If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. -% -If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would -suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is -only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them -in 1966, only two went back to women. - -- Mort Sahl -% -If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. -If they can, then fuck 'em. -% -If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. -If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. -% -If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? -% -If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. -% -If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. -% -If you find for your verse there's no call, -And you can't afford paper at all, - For the true poet born, - However forlorn, -There is always the lavat'ry wall. -% -If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? -% -If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic -abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). -% -If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small -town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're -screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, -... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the -night. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written -in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing -friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out -like one or the other of you planned. -% -If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens -when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? -% -"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't -doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. - "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went -out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she -always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat -down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the -side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking -aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll -tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was -gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" -% -I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! - -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived -% -I'm a lover not a dancer! -I'm a lover not a dancer! -Don't want to be on my feet, -When I can be on my back, -Don't want to be on the floor, -When I can be in the sack! -I'm a lover not a dancer! -I'm a lover not a dancer! -I'm just a little bit tired -If you know what I mean, -Don't want to be in a crowd -When I can be in a dream! -I'm a lover not a dancer! -Baby! -And, baby, let me prove it to you, -Baby, let me prove it to you! - -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" -% -I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. - -- Martin Cruz Smith -% -I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. - -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees - in the shade. - -Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is -dropped. - -- Franklyn Ajaye -% -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's -goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps --- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are -goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. -Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are -very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is -very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. - -- J.F. Kennedy -% -I'm not a pheasant plucker, -I'm a pheasant plucker's son. -I'm just a'plucking pheasants -'Til the pheasant plucker comes. - -- The Irish Rovers -% -"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." - -- NPR -% -I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! - -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife -% -I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here - -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. - -She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft - -- Song title by Jerry Reed. - -When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? - -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. - -I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling - -- Unattributed song title. - -Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life - -- Unattributed song title. -% -I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my -girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd -like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" - -- Sam Kinison -% -I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... - -Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, - I'm getting WARM.... - -I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! - ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! - -Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, -couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? -% -Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. -Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. -David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, -And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. -There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. -Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! - -John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, -On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. -Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. -Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, -Hobbes was fond of his dram, -And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". -Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; -A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! - -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" -% -impotent loser, n: - Someone who can't even get his hopes up. -% -In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide -what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. -Finally they decide: - "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us -bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... -Finally a telegram comes back: - "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" -% -In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay -chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the -principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been -sucked into it. -% -In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh -Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. - His wife said, "Oh, stuff - That philosophy guff -Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" -% -In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; -Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow -with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon -Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for -soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... - -- Firesign Theatre -% -In days of old, when knights were bold, - And rubbers weren't invented, -They tied their socks around their cocks - And babies were prevented. -% -In France they piss on Main Street -(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). - -- Joni Mitchell -% -In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of -its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. -% -In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. -% -In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless -he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client -has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated -that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time -ago." - -- Dennis Miller, SNL News -% -In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. -And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto -their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." - -And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." -Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, -"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none -may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head -spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel -of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." - -And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical -Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is -very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the -Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - -And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! -% -In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their -beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the -evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all -evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning -the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her -bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, - "Didn't you forget something?" - "What did I forget?" asked the officer. - "You forgot about the money," said the lady. - "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. -"A Polish officer never accepts money." -% -In the shade of the old apple tree -Where between her fat legs I could see - A little brown spot - With the hair in a knot, -And it certainly looked good to me. - -I asked as I tickled her tit -If she thought that my big thing would fit. - She said it would do - So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree -In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. - In the soft dewy grass -I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass -As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. - Her ass it was fine - But you should have seen mine -In the shade of the old apple tree. -% -In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're -kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's -kissing him on the balls. - -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster -% -Incest, n: - Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. -% -Infatuation, n: - When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. - When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. -% -In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe -is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. -% -==================== -Inter-Dwarf Memo -To: Dwarf-list -From: Doc -Re: S. White - - If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill -her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, -surprises. -% -==================== -Inter-Dwarf Memo -To: Dwarf-list -From: Happy -Re: S. White - - Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one -more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. -% -Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since -the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of -cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him -a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." - Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. -When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came -in second," Palmer replied. - "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" - "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." -% -It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be -classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". -% -It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and -it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight -into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. - -- Voltaire -% -It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. -% -It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. -% -It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the -general and lust for its destruction in the particular. -% -It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. -% -It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. -Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other -half are doing it. - -- Winston Churchill -% -It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one -damn thing over and over. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% -It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. -You never know who you'll meet later in the day. -% -It is one of the superstitions of the human mind -to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. - -- Voltaire -% -It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that -could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, -broad-hipped, and short-legged race. - -- Schopenhauer -% -It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the -war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by -teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse -to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes -mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that -the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which -means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine -of a diabetic ..." - By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the -registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored -fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then -startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his -finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed -his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample -was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, -all of us foolishly licked that finger. - "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first -principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. -We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some -anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said -continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but -licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. -% -It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because -if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. -Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, -but there's just no way for us to know it. - -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. -% -It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! -% -It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a -very unfortunate place to have it. - -- Malcolm Muggeridge -% -It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one -sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle -of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that -"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In -a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. - The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention -the apparent miracle. - A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a -moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes -later came back. - By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his -beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian -teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST -AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything -they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. - The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to -shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the -lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to -the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the -rocks are?" -% -It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot -immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were -on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next -day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. -% -It seems that John gets this phone call: - "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line -is hard and cold. - "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months -ago. - "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" - "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and -we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant -and I'm going to kill myself tonight." - John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," -he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." -% -It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He -was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being -a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for -forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded -from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop -but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the -Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, -the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between -gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could -even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he -pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, -he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, -forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the -lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. -Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled -upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so -the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. - "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." -% -It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. -Especially in a paternity hearing. -% -It takes leather balls to play rugby. - (Blood makes the grass grow!) -% -It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. -They can kiss that shit goodbye. -% -It was a female that drove me to drink -and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. - -- R.E. Baber -% -It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. -They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and -the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting -excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse -off and we'll see what he does?" - At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took -off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and -jumping up and down. - "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all -your clothes and we'll see what he does." - Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape -really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around -in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to -the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. - "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" -% -It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the -frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the -bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." - "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender -answered sternly. - "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." - The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman -at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would -you like?" - "Vinegar and water." -% -It was April the 41st, -Being a quadruple leap year. -I was driving in down-town Atlantis. -My Barracuda was in the shop, -So I was in a rented stingray - -- and it was over-heating. -So, I pulled into a Shell station. -They said I'd blown a seal. -I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private - life out of it, okay pal?" - -- Wet Dreams -% -It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had -gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag -line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. -Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't -they beautiful?" - "Just fair," was the answer. - "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, -asked his opinion. - "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited -about." - "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now -you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" - "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; -I'm a tit mouse myself." -% -It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. -"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful -dream!" - Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again -and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." - Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another -sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your -wife." - "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, -you will!" -% -It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on -their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." - "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been -married three times." - "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, -and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one -of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the -third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it -would be up in 15 minutes. -% -It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday -trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's -knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated -in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. -Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on -the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. - "Tell us a story," begged Mary. - "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping -her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" - "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. -"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." -% -It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up -not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or -written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems -a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was -the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found -myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- -my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing -where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there -was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us -our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an -oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I -would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of -her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese -don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, -because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the -good things in your life. - -- Stephen King, "The Body" -% -It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman -was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking -upperclassman, he inquired, - "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" - "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our -sentences with a preposition." - "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library -is at, asshole?" -% -It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a -huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate -jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to -have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" - A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess -I'll be the Daddy." - "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" -% -It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know -what I mean. - -- David Crosby -% -It's a bitch being butch. -% -It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything -on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. -% -It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple. -I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. - -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal - of older women versus younger women -% -"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning -in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so -soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" -% -It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. - -- Joan Rivers -% -It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. -% -It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. -% -It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his -20-year-old son comes in. - - "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda -bums. Whatta you trying to do?" - "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. - "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you -chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" - "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." - "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka -likka that?" - "Papa, we're not Italian." -% -It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. - -- Sean O'Huiginn -% -It's not pretty being easy. -% -It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. -% -It's so fuckin' great to be alive! -% -It's the sighs that count. -% -I've been feeling kind of jealous, -Of all them well-hung fellas, -Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, -Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, -I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. -If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, - They would turn on to my hardon -- - If I only had a cock. -Oh, I can tell you now, -The number of times I'd score, -I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, - I never have before, Living a little mouse-life -And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. -And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry - Life would be a ding-a-derry - If I only had a dong! - -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz -% -I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something -on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights -were more than enough. -% -I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; -and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me -to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the -gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. -The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with -the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight -maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing -weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The -four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge -in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. -Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves -have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled -Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. - Sincerely, - Santa -% -I've finally found the perfect girl, -I couldn't ask for more, -She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, -And owns a liquor store. -% -I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? - -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a - public toilet during a tour of the Far East -% -Jack an Jill went up the hill. -Jill went down, -Jack came. -% -Jack and Jill went up a hill -To fetch a pail of water. -Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill -And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, - Then went down and told the town - He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. -Jack to Jill thus did such ill -That Jill, to pay the rotter, -Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill -When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. - Half the town deals Jill a frown - And half greets Jack with laughter. -% -Jack and Jill went up the hill -Each had a buck and a quarter. -Jill came down with two and a half -- -And you thought that they went for water. -% -Jack and Jill -Went up the hill, -Each had a buck and a quarter! -Jill came down, -With two and a half, -You think they went for water? -% -Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. -Jack jumped over the candle stick, -And burnt his balls. -% -Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, -Jack jumped over the candle stick. -But Jack wasn't so nimble, -Jack wasn't so quick, -So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! -% -Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! -% -Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time. -% -Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death -and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one -among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." - Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits -Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! -I'm trying to make a point, here!" -% -Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. -% -Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. - -- Michael O'Donohugh -% -Jesus Never Fails - -(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) -% -Jesus Saves! - -(And Esposito scores on the rebound!) -% -Jesus Saves, -Moses Invests, -But only Buddha pays Dividends. -% -Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. -% -Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. - -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". -% -Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were -on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. - "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the -women and children aboard the lifeboats first." - "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. - "Do we have time?" Hart asked. - "Do we have time?" Biden asked. - "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. -% -Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. -% -John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing -his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: - "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on -the women!" -% -Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: - Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull - over to the side of the road. -% -Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get -a prompt, type like hell. -% -Just go with the flow control, roll with the -crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. -% -Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of -blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys -like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky -or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ -came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the -nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get -crucified in the morning. - -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull -% -Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep -are scared and the women are grateful. -% -kasha, n: - Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one - problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? - I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you - much. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: - Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex - for the students, and parking for the faculty. -% -King Louis gave a lesson in class, -One time while enjoying a lass. - When she used the word "Damn" - He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, -Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." -% -Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are -sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As -for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. - -- Margaret Sangor -% -Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, -tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; -take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; -get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. - -Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; -writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; -but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, -that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. - the hip. - -The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, -her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, -then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, -cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. - with him. - -- Kitten With A Whip -% -Knowledge Engineering: - -A combination of: - -Engineering, n: - The application of science and mathematics by which the properties -of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in -structures, machines, products, systems and processes. - -and - -Knowledge, n: - Sexual intercourse. - -See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. -% -Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating -fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of -species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, -or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then -threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre -in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's -most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, -such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before -flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying -raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several -hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of -meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz -went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand -into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily -grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event -left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to -intention movements, that is. - -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science. -% -Kotex, n: - Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. -% -Kumquat, n: - Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and - somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. - Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, - an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment - sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" - during orgasm. - - Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your - partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. -% -Labia majora, n: - The curly gates. -% -Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" -Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" -Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." -Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." -% -lagnaf, n: - Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! -% -Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -% -"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, -"In a long-distance telephone booth, - I enjoyed the perfection - Of an ideal connection -- -I was screwed, if you must know the truth." -% -Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. -% -lawyer, n: - Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too - closely." -% -Lawyers do it to everyone. -% -Left a good broad by the river, -Traveled back into town just to get some rest! -Waited for 10 hours, -Went back to the river, -But I couldn't get her out of that mess! - -chorus: - Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, - Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, - Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! - -If you're gonna run for office, -And you know that it's an election year. -Don't go in the river, -'Specially by way of bridges, -It could put an end to your political career! -(chorus) - -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" -% -"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black -people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything -to you?" - -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime - Minister Botha of South Africa. -% -Les salons de la ville de Trieste -Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; - Parmi les grandes chaises - On cause des malaises, -Des estropiements, et des pestes. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. -% -Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been -disqualified from entering. - Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" - "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. - "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? -They *must* be wrong!" - "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse -parakeet with black trim." - "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace -replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." -% -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with -reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for -employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are -prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. -% -Lick-a-dee-clit! -% -Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. -% -Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. -It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... -% -Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's -in your hand, the next it's up your ass. -% -Life is like a penis: when it's soft you -can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. -% -Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread -you have, the less shit you have to eat. -% -Life is not a cabaret. -It's a fucking circus. -% -Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. -% -Like private parts to the Gods are we, -they play with us for their sport. - -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) -% -Limericks are art forms complex, -Their topics run chiefly to sex. - They usually have virgins, - And masculine urgin's, -And other erotic effects. -% -Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, -Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. -Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, -'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. - -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" -% -Lisp hackers - ... do it in CARS. - ... do it with tail recursion. - ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. - ... have DEFUN while doing it. - ... have to be bound to do it. - ... have Moby dicks. -% -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... -% -Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. -% -Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. -% -LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the -'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The -experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner -cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept -with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." -By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause -for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, -or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along -with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their -eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony -to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the -intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother -told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra -hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next -morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard -the night before. - "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" - "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that -your prayers have been answered." -Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, - "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" - "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." -% -Little Johnny with a grin, -Drank up all of daddy's gin, -Mother said, when he was plastered, -Go to bed, you little love-child. -% -Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the -1950's were uttered by June Cleaver. - "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" -% -Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, -Eating her curds and whey. -Along came a spider, -And bit her right in the snatch. -% -Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, -Eating her curds and whey. -Along came a spider, -Who sat down beside her, -And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" -% -Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, -Her knickers all tattered and torn. -For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, -But Little Boy Blue with his horn! -% -Little Miss Muffet, -Sat on her tuffet, -Smoking some THC. -Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her -And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" -% -Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit -her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. - "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." - "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, -"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" -% -Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. -When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife -raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his -distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only -stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a -black hat and a red neckerchief. - The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain. -He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after -dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but -had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. - One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his -horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, -with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to -this man, his hands resting upon his guns. - "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my -house and rustled my cattle?" - "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. - "You better cut that shit out!" -% -Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. - -- Louis B. Mayer - -The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral -was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Love comes in spurts. -% -Love comes in spurts. - --Devo, "Please Please" -% -Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. - -- James Thurber -% -Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. -% -Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. -% -Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant -twang of a bedspring. - -- S.J. Perelman -% -Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. - -- Johnny Rotten -% -Luser, n: - Someone who picks up a female - hitch-hiker walking home from a date. -% -Ma Bell runs a baudy house. -% -Macho, adj: - Jogging home from a vasectomy. -% -Male, n: - Life support system for a cock. -% -Man in stall: - Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? -Man at sink: - No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in - any of the other stalls either. -A minute passes. -Man in stall: - Say, buddy? -Man at sink: - Yeah? -Man in stall: - You got change for a ten? -% -Man who dance in crowded ballroom -dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. -% -Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. -% -Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, -Some say not even indecent. -But if you lust, -It's a must! -% -Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. -% -Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but -because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the -satisfaction of his death. - -- Brendan Francis -% -Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would -not have chosen a suit by it. - -- Maurice Chevalier -% -Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the -whole girl. - -- Stephen Leacock -% -Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with -a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. -% -Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God -is a cruel and capricious tyrant. - -- Edward Gibbon -% -Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. -But she can never catch him at it. -% -Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. -% -Many nice things suck. -% -Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff -at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. - -- Billy Carter -% -Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. - -- Peter De Vries -% -Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, -you lose interest. - -- Professor Irwin Corey -% -Mary had a little lamb, -Its fleece as white as snow. -It followed her to school one day, -And got fucked by a big black dog. -% -Mary had a little lamb, -She kept it in a bucket. -And every time she let it out, -The bulldog used to -Chase it around the garden. -% -Mary had a little lamb, -The lamb turned out to be a ram, -Now Mary has a little lamb. -% -Mary had a little sheep, -And with the sheep she went to sleep, -The sheep turned out to be a ram, -And Mary had a little lamb. -% -Mary had a little watch; -She swallowed it one day. -And so she took some Ex-Lax -To pass the time away. - -But when she took the Ex-Lax -The time it did not pass. -So when you want to know the time, -Just look up Mary's ... - Uncle, he has a watch, too. -% -Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! - -- James Joyce -% -masturbation, n: - A self-service elevator. -% -masturbation, n: - Coming unscrewed. -% -Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. -% -Mathematicians - ... do it in groups. - ... do it in theory. - ... take it to the limit. -% -Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. -% -Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is -described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. - -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" -% -May a deranged midget on a pogo stick -take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. -% -May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. -% -May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. -% -May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! -% -Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low -opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! -% -McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: - If an item is advertised as "under $50", - you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. -% -McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of -the passengers who were injured. - "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw -the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you -think when you saw this happen ?" - I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run -a railroad." -% -Me father makes book on the corner, -Me mother makes second hand gin, -Me sister makes love for a dollar, -And that's how the money rolls in! - - Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! - (Rolls in!) - Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! - -Me father sells cheap prophylactics, -Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, -Me sister performs the abortions, -And that's how the money rolls in! - -Me uncle's a poor missionary, -He saves fallen women from sin. -He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, -And that's how the money rolls in. -% -Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot -of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people -are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay -for his own drinks. - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% -Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! -% -Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but -they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. -And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised -as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. -% -Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, -Afflicted with psychotic warps. - His idea of fun - Is to bugger a nun, -And then vomit all over the corpse. -% -Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on - ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" - -(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" - -Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" -% -Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave -'em by the curb when you're done. -% -Men have many faults, - Women only two: -Everything they say, - And everything they do! -% -Men will fuck mud. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -menage a trois, n: - Using both hands to masturbate. -% -Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines -also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female -body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and -should not be seen by the light of day. - -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" -% -Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it -has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very -closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing -the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... - - [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important - world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the - next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] - -... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your -cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of -billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more -interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your -skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, -who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice -views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so -much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. - -- Dave Barry -% -Meteorologist, n: - A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. -% -Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which -the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets -with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: - -Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. -Mickey : Oh? -Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. -Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was - fuckin' Goofy. -% -Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his -wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. -% -"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's -testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" - -- Ripping Yarns -% -Missed the train at the railway station -Oh hell, blast, and damnation! -Asked a lady in there if she had the time, -She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. -% -Missionary position: - The missionary on top. -% -Mistress Mary, quite contrary, -How does your garden grow? -With silver bells and cockle shells, -And one really fucked-up petunia. -% -Mistress, n: - Something between a mister and a mattress. -% -mixed emotions: - Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... - in your brand new Mercedes. -% -Montana: - Where men are men and women are sheep. -% -Moody bitch in search of... - kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. -% -Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, -good-looking guy to dump on. -% -Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few -blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane -tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. -His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing -the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind -her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. - "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here -for breakfast tomorrow." -% -Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss -out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. -% -Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. -% -Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity -to be otherwise. - -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" -% -Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. -% -Motto of the Electrical Engineer: - Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: - it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. -% -Moustache rides, 50 cents. -% -Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! -% -Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one -problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him -time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him -that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of -his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just -couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. - Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot -had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just -took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. - That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it -started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front -door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano -tonight. Now, don't you dare move." - Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, -and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. -Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they -arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to -the door. - Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you -chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" -% -Murphy's Discovery: - Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk - to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and - everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine - months later, you're in trouble! -% -Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism -fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really -understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after -being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, -they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful -things to them for their own good. This is so ME." - -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: - "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat - of AIDS, book reveals" -% -My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer -dahlias. - -- William Allen White -% -My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. -He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. -% -My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him -in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was -Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. - -- T. Bywater -% -My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my -family, it seems, begins where yours left off. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% -My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. -% -My godda bless, never I see sucha people. - -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale -% -My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall -and they stick. - -- Johnny Bob -% -My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. - -- Friday -% -My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife -came home early from work and found us in bed together. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret -vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without -quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, -paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? - -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine - Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent - corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing - masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and - that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a - cannonball on the stomach. -% -My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I -want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want -to screw again as long as I live. - -- Erica Jong -% -My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. -% -My travel agent's an Oxford chap -Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. -I asked him about the Isle of Man -For a journey of about six weeks. -And this is what he said to me -As he looked me right in the eye, -"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip -Of Elephant Shit On Rye." - -A brand-new store just opened its door -At the corner of 5th and Vine -And I happened to be standing right outside -When they turned on their neon sign. -I heard a strange sound, I looked around, -And that's when I almost died, -They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town -To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! -% -My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. -She's up to three packs a day. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. - -- Howard Stern -% -Naeser's Law: - You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. -% -Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire -naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly -sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: - "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." -% -Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... -seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. -% -National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. -% -navel, n: - A place to stash your gum on the way down. -% -Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. -Watch who you sleep with. -% -necrophilia, n: - Dead boring. - -incest, n: - Relatively boring. -% -necrophilia, n: - Dropping in for a cold one. -% -Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? -Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. -% -Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! -% -Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. - -- Gordon Cooper -% -"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" -"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." -% -Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. -% -NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: - "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on -a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% -New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". -% -New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; -it's the asshole of the universe. - -- Jonathan Michael Smith -% -New York: - Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. -% -Newlywed groom: - Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. - You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, - and weekends. I'm sorry. -Newlywed bride: - I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. -Groom: - Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow - through... -% -Newsflash: - Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally -predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest -of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. - Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from -expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out -to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive -than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, -living in Stenton, North Dakota. -% -Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. -Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. - -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) -% -Nice computers don't go down. -% -Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. -% -Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: - 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat - so the lid won't stay up. - 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. - 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." - 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." - 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, - demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. - 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, - or speculate about your next one. - 7: A taco will never make a scene because - there are other tacos in the refrigerator. - 8: It's easy to drop a taco. - 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. -% -Ninety percent of everything is crap. - -- Theodore Sturgeon -% -No matter how clever the hardware boys -are, the software boys piss it away. -% -No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". - -- Greg Bear -% -Non Illegitemus Carborundum. - [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] -% -Not everyone has a one-track mind. - -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk -% -Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. - -- Woody Allen -% -nothing, adj: - A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. -% -Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient -tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed -Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What -can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out -of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become -a doctor, that's why we killed him. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle -Who said with a wink and a smile, - "Sure, please stick it in, - Be it thick be it thin, -But if's rough I won't do as a file." -% -Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- -bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers -have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence -of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, -"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, -"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved -by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, -you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and -promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. - -- D. Adams -% -Now what would they do if I just sailed away? -Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? -Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, -What would they do if I made no landfall?" - -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" -% -Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and -occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up -with this in response to one... - - Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. - When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was - bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't - meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more - comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this - morning and screwed the daylights out of me. - - "Just think," said - - Nurse Jones, - "... that was four - hours ago and - my sperm count - is probably *still* - higher than yours." -% -Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... -% -Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. - -- Joseph Pulitzer -% -Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but -their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes -because it's obscene. -% -Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. -% -Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. -% -Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly -exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the -author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," -"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy -Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to -an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save -himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: - - "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate -ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding --- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, -spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... -There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, -sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." -% -Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. -The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. -% -Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. -% -Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, -Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, -Where never is heard, a discouraging word, -And the call-girls keep callin' for me! -% -Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, -That got run over with my mower. -One leg is missing, and one other is gone, -The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. -It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, -It landed by the kitchen door. -Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, -that ain't gonna walk no more... - -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover. -% -Oh John, let's not park here. -Oh John, let's not park. -Oh John, let's not. -Oh John, let's. -Oh John. -Oh. -% -Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. - -- Don Herold -% -OLD FELLA RED CLARET - Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" - -An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old -and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to -prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the -slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. -Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste -buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings -with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads -gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. -In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people -who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). - -It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 - -Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. - Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. -% -Old King Cole was a merry old soul, -A merry old soul was he. -He called for his pipe, -And he called for his drums, -And he fiddled with his call girls three. -% -Old King Cole -Was a merry old soul, -A merry old soul was he! -He called for his pipe, -And he called for his bowl, -And he fiddled with his call girls three! -% -Old McDonald had a farm, -E-I-E-I-O! -And on this farm he had some chicks, -E-I-E-I-O! -With a chick-chick here, -And a chick-chick there, -Here a chick, -There a chick, -Everywhere a chick-chick, -Old McDonald lost his farm -'Cause he had too many chicks! -% -Old McDonald had a farm, -E-I-E-I-O -And on this farm he had some chicks, -E-I-E-I-O -With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, -Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, -Old McDonald lost his farm, -'Cause he had too many chicks. -% -Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. -% -Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, -She had so many children, -She didn't know what to do. -So she moved to Atlanta. -% -Old Mother Hubbard, -Went to the cubbard, -To get her poor doggie a bone. - -But when she stooped over, -Old Rover, he drove her. -You see, he had a bone of his own. -% -Olmstead's Law: - After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -% -On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw -herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. -The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he -went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find -a man making love to the corpse. - "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, -that woman is dead!" - "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. -"I thought she was an American!" -% -On Brassieres: - Russian: Uplifts the masses. - Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. - American: Makes mountains out of molehills. -% -On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into -Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse -on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was -apprehended. - Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." - Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." - Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" - Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." -At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his -bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he -says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' -chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell -me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" - Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the - money is right now, he will kill you here." - Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden - under the big tree at the pass!" - Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." -% -Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to -eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me -only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you -better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady -and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. -The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna -fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I -wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you -sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona -my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go -to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say -you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man -at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I -gonna back to Italy. -% -Once a woman has given you her heart you -can never get rid of the rest of her. - -- Vanbrugh -% -Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell -for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group -as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first -group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new -group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They -exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was -very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I -had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. -Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. -That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group -and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and -all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel -the way I do. - -- J. Feiffer -% -Once upon a girl there was a time... -% -Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his -two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to -observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came -running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the -white cow!" - The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's -alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is -going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just -say that the bull "surprised" the cow." - Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little -while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny -came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" - The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I -know, the bull surprised the brown cow." - Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" -% -Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and -made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer -wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. -"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic -and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, -bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among -his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. -It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and -began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this -rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, -however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next -morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in -the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure -enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer -shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told -you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head -toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to -the birds above. "I think they're coming down." -% -Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One -fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked -cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When -she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who -jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes -down." - So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, -you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" -% -Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to -fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, -the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. -After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to -earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this -little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure -warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow -began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the -chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, -he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. -There are three morals to this story: -1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. -2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. -3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. -% -Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and -somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around -on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious -enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, - "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right -time comes, I am going to be that one." -A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they -knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly -and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. -All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with -all his might. - "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" -% -Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, -and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big -coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" - The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been -sleeping in my bed!" - And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" -% -Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of -us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the -smaller prime numbers. - -2: The Odd Prime -- - It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. -3: The True Prime -- - Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." -31: The Arbitrary Prime -- - Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in - case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received - the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. - However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. -41: The Female Prime -- - The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is - prime for integer values from 1 to 40. -43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. - -Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities -are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd -but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. -% -Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, -the rest of life is that much easier. -% -Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -% -One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the -boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. -Finally the office boy was brought in. - "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been -playing around with my secretary?" - "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything -like that, sir." - "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." -% -One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped -into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited -to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, -he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, -the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car -and approached the farmer. - "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" - Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' -in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house -that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's -mah wife's idea." -% -One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really -a polar bear?" - "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at -the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the -ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're -a polar bear. Why do you ask?" - "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" -% -One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an -anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, -he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. -Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, -threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. -The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. - Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when -he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating -the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. -"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you -with my car once, remember?" - "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just -lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there -in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on -the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. - "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes -to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." -% -One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all -the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that -they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special -place an reported to God what he'd noticed. - God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me -to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I -will create your mate." - So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell -asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his -ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering -the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. -Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. - "God?" - "Yes, Adam, what now?" - "God, what's a headache?" -% -One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an -enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue -eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable -little dog. - What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, -he asked, "Child, what is your name?" - "Blossom," she replied. - "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your -parents come to choose such a pretty name?" - "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying -under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She -thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my -name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. - How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and -walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he -inquired. - "Porky," was the child's reply. - Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. - "Because he likes to fuck pigs." -% -"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most -gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she -said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I -guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my -analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the -problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... -I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect -stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac -and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, -'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" - -- Stephen Wright -% -One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot -tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; -to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow -of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer -orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, -the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take -care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink -all your beer and spit it in my face?" - "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie -and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most -beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. -% -One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police -officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and -thacramento ith?" - The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. - The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more -attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man -walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, -"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, - "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" -% -One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need -to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped -his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and -bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend -Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to -call a doctor. - "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor -gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of -the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not -much hope." - Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and -cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" - "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." -% -One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. -One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. -% -One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. -% -One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke -and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever -seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw -another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of -wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me -like that, I was only the bridesmaid." -% -One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity -to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. - "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, -put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, -Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" - "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" - -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" -% -One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives -accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable -testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to -all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they -enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, - "What trip?" -% -One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to -compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. -% -One of the most expensive things in life -is a girl who is free for the evening. -% -One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create -goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. -He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the -following Sunday. - "9:30 okay?" - "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." -The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played -left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. -George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes -late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he -played right-handed and beat them again. - "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. - "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." - Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might -be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed -*or* right-handed." - "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm -superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play -right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." - "What if she's lying on her back?" - George said, "That's when I'm late." -% -One should be cherry of virgins. -% -One, two, three, four -What are we fighting for? -Don't ask me I don't give a damn. -Next stop is Vietnam. -Five, six, seven, eight -Open up the pearly gates. -Ain't no time to wonder why -Whoopie! We're all going to die. - -- Country Joe and the Fish -% -One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know -his ass from a hole in the ground! -% -Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! -% -Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. -% -Operators mount anything! -% -Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, -but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. - -- Hal Hickman -% -OPTIMIST: - A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. -% -ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: - The word "No". -% -oral sex, n: - The taste of things to come. -% -O'Riordan's Theorem: - Brains x Beauty = Constant. - -Purmal's Corollary: - As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, - availability goes to zero. -% -Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you -cash them in. -% -Ouch mosquito, silent by night, -Why pierce my skin, so white? -You grow plump, as a leech. -Stop! I beseech (in vein). - -I have no choice. -Why waste my voice, -When only a slap will do? -Ouch, I am bitten! -What ho, you are smitten! -Yo mosquito, fuck you. - -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" -% -Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really -quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. -% -Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the -maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out -in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty -good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know -for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging -over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for -three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in -their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving -an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without -ever considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum -possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case -of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good -baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for -sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over -from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three -seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their -souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an -infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without -ever considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum -possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in -case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a -pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no -way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male -comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been -on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust -her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between -catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would -elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there -were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, -In all of the directions it can whiz; -As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, -Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. -So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, -How amazingly unlikely is your birth; -And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, -'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! - -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" -% -Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, - "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, -and I will lead you to the promised land." - Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on -your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." - Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising -the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. -% -Painters do it with even strokes. -% -Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously -mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. -% -Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to -bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. -% -Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. -% -Pee-wee Recommends: - -When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, -the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: - - + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream - + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah - + Tiger Shark, starring Raven -% -penis envy, n: - The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. -% -People humiliating a salami! -% -People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. -% -People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. - -- Peter Sellers -% -Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put -on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on -a pedestal the better to view her legs. - -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" -% -Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer -Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" - She declined and declined - Till approached from behind... -When her summer turned out quite a bummer! -% -Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. -% -philadelphia flying fuck, n: - Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms - of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring - him orally. - - [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if - you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, - Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] -% -Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. - -- Karl Marx -% -Physicists do it with charm. -% -Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when -he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. -% -pile driver, n: - Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. -% -Planned Parenthood: - The emission Control Center. -% -Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, -He announced as he folded with flair, - "I had four of a kind, - But those aces combined, -Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." -% -PLUNDERER'S THEME - (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) - -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. -Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -% -pocket pool, n: - Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. - For women, it's playing the slots. -% -polish fly, n: - You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. -% -Politicians do it to everyone. -% -Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. - -'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with -a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the -hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long -practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even -as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her -above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful -queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles -are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert -them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can -induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist -is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising -that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has -nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -Posterity will ne'er survey -A nobler grave than this; -Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; -Stop, traveler, and piss. - -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh -% -Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. -Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. -Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. -% -Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, -Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and -I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit -it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." - "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me -give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn -all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell -your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the -bottom window." - "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. - "Just whistle." - "Whistle?" - "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear -you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." -% -Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. -% -Pregnancy begins with a single sell. -% -premature ejaculation, n: - A spoilspurt. -% -premature ejaculator, n: - Troubled shooter. -% -Premenstrual Syndrome: - Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. -% -Prince Absalom lay with his sister -And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, - But the kid was so tight, - And it was deep night -- -Though he shot at the target, he missed her. -% -Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. -% -Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to -the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked -in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a -picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" - -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. -% -Procrastinators do it tomorrow. -% -Programmers do it bit by bit. -% -Programmers do it until it goes down. -% -Programmers get overlaid. -% -PROMOTION: - New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. -% -Prope mare erat tubulator -Qui virginem ingrediebatur. - Dessine ingressus - Audivi progressus: -Est mihi inquit tubulator. -% -Prostitution is the only business where you -can go into the hole and still come out ahead. -% -Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. -Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. -% -Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They -both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't -make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks -out the door. -% -pubic hair, n: - Organic dental floss. -% -Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, -And frollicked in the Autumn mist, -And drank Manishiewitz wine. -Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, -And brought him soup and Matzah balls, -And other kosher stuff. - -Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. -Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. -Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, -That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. -% -Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? -A: He's the only one with a duck. - -Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? -A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. - -Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? -A: The duck wins! -% -Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? -A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. -% -Q: Heard about the who couldn't spell? -A: He spent the night in a warehouse. -% -Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. -A: Real men don't care. -% -Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? -A: Give her a couple of test tickles. -% -Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? -A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. -% -Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? -A: She has a mouthful of feathers. -% -Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? -A: By the stiff upper lip. -% -Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? -A: Who cares? -% -Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? -A: She answered the iron. - -Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? -A: They called back. -% -Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? -A: Cusinart. - -Q: How do you get them back out? -A: Doritos. -% -Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? -A: Propose. -% -Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? -A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. - -Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? -A: No -- so it must work pretty well! - -Q: How did Tarzan die? -A: Picking cherries!!! -% -Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? -A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. -% -Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? -A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. -% -Q: How do you make a dead baby float? -A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. -% -Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? -A: Kick it over to Van Ness. -% -Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck - by lightning first. -% -Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in - your backyard? -A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. -% -Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, - or an airline stewardess? -A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." - A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over - and over again until we get it right." - An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and - nose and breathe normally." - -... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." -... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" -... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" -... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" -% -Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? -A: When his cock tastes like shit. -% -Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? -A: It isn't hard. -% -Q: How does a mink get babies? -A: The same way babies get minks. -% -Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? - -A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of - speech, but under the United States constitution they are - guaranteed freedom after speech. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? -A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. -% -Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Three, but they're really only one. -% -Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! - -Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? -A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! -% -Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students - does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my - advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he - can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the - credit for answering this incredibly vital question." -% -Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light - bulb, in San Francisco? -A: Both of them. -% -Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was - without a man. -% -Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, - what would Cheetah have been? -A: A fur coat. -% -Q: What can you use used tampons for? -A: Tea bags for vampires. -% -Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? -A: Play dumb until the second coming. -% -Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? -A: Your bicycle. -% -Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? -A: They both like a tight seal. -% -Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? -A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases - of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. - -Q: Why do elephants have trunks? -A: Sheep don't have strings. -% -Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? -A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. -% -Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian? -A: Trustworthy. -% -Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? -A: A transistor. -% -Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? -A: Toys for twats. -% -Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet - of garden hose? -A: Darling. - [Often? Ed.] -% -Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? -A: Parents. -% -Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? -A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! -% -Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? -A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. -% -Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? -A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? -A: A computer that won't go down. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? -A: Your last blowjob. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? -A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! -% -Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? -A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every - once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to - your eyes... -% -Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a - moth ball in the other hand? -A: One hell of a big moth! -% -Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? -A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! -% -Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? -A: Will the defendant please rise? -% -Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? -A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the - Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take - the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. -% -Q: What goes - Click. "Did I get it?" - Click. "Did I get it?" - Click. "Did I get it?" - Click. "Did I get it?" -A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. -% -Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? -A: A frog in a blender. - -Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? -A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. -% -Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? -A: Baby in a blender. - -Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? -A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. -% -Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? -A: Boy Scouts. -% -Q: What is Smoorplay? -A: What Smurfs do before they smuck! -% -Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? -A: Snowballs! -% -Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? -A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. -% -Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? -A: Dating a Canadian. -% -Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through - revolving doors? -A: A nun with a javelin through her head. -% -Q: What's black and white and red all over? -A: Half a nun. -% -Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? -A: A corpse. -% -Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? -A: Chewing gum. -% -Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? -A: Bunny farts. -% -Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? -A: The guy that gave it to him. -% -Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? -A: The guy he got it from. -% -Q: What's red and covered with little dents? -A: Snow White's cherry. -% -Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? -A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! - -Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they - are removable! - -Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his - very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? -A: Yes, up to isomorphism! - -Q: What is a compact city? -A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted - policemen! - -- Peter Lax -% -Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman - pinscher humping your leg? -A: You let the doberman finish. -% -Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? -A: About four drinks. -% -Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? -A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". - War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". - - [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the - office a little late, tonight... Ed.] -% -Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? -A: About 10 pounds. - -Q: How do you make them the same? -A: Force feed the elephant. -% -Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? -A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. -% -Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? -A: The weekend never comes too soon. -% -Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? -A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. -% -Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? -A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use - the whole bird... -% -Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon - and Ronald Reagan? -A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the - difference. -% -Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? -A: It stays dark all night. -% -Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? -A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd - like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, - "and some cigarettes." -% -Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when - he hits your windshield? -A: His ass. - -Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's - mind when he hits your windshield? -A. Oh, SHIT!! -% -Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? -A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. -% -Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? -A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! -% -Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? -A: To the batpoles, Robin! -% -Q: Where does virgin wool come from? -A: Ugly sheep. -% -Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? -A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. -% -Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? -A: They're just pussy substitutes! -% -Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? -A: Because she's dead. -% -Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? -A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! -% -Q: Why did God invent booze? -A: So ugly men could get laid too. -% -Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? -A: She'd never been taught to say no. -% -Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? -A: To impress Jodie Foster. -% -Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary - Jo Kopechne drowned? -A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? -% -Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? -A: Because they can. -% -Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% -Q: Why do men die before their wives? -A: They want to. -% -Q: Why do men marry women? -A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. -% -Q: Why do mice have such small balls? -A: Very few of them know how to dance! -% -Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? -A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. - -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger -% -Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? -A: So they can dress like pimps. -% -Q: Why do women have vaginas? -A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. -% -Q: Why do women love Pacman? -A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. -% -Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? -A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. -% -Q: Why don't blind people skydive? -A: It scares the dogs! - -Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? -A: The leash goes slack. -% -Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? -A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. -% -Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? - -A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in - Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever - you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? -A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and - gang-rejected her. -% -Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? -A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! - Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" -% -Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? - -A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. -A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. -A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. -A4: People with PMS get sympathy. -A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. -% -Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? -A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. -% -Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? -A: Age. -% -Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -A: The taste. -% -Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? -A: About three inches. -% -Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? -A: He couldn't help it. - -Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? -A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. -% -Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? -A: 'Cause they can! - -(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) -% -Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? -A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. - -Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? -A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! -% -QOTD: - "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of - Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming - and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one - who has that dream?" -% -QOTD: - "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" -% -QOTD: - "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" - -- Joan of Arc -% -QOTD: - "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." -% -QOTD: - "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different - ticket." -% -QOTD: - "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." -% -QOTD: - "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." -% -QOTD: - I get girls because of who I am... a rapist. -% -QOTD: - I met her [his fiancee] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm - grip. He's a lucky man. -% -QOTD: - "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." -% -QOTD: - I own my own body, but I share. -% -QOTD: - "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." -% -QOTD: - "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every - time it rained." -% -QOTD: - "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." -% -QOTD: - I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself - a pair of velcro gloves. -% -QOTD: - "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of - the guy who screwed her last." -% -QOTD: - "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in - her shadow!" -% -QOTD: - "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play - golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!" -% -QOTD: - It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of - cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' - -- Richard Sexton -% -QOTD: - "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten - who gets tied up." -% -QOTD: - "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" -% -QOTD: - Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're - going to put that thing *where*?" -% -QOTD: - My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when - you stick those little prongs into it. - -- Mark-Jason Dominus -% -QOTD: - No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear. -% -QOTD: - "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay - and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve." -% -QOTD: - Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself. -% -QOTD: - She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. - Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!! -% -QOTD: - "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." -% -QOTD: - Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work - and the others are more than willing to watch them. -% -QOTD: - "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark - all night." -% -QOTD: - "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for - a few good men!" -% -QOTD: - "The only real difference between men and women is that men are - crabby all month long." -% -QOTD: - "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes - Poster Girl." -% -QOTD: - "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, - happy women." -% -QOTD: - "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." -% -QOTD: - "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady - over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken - glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" -% -QOTD: - "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. - Then get the fuck out." -% -QOTD: - "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." -% -quickie, n: - A moment's piece. -% -quickie, n: - No sooner spread than done. -% -QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight -equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in -structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully -grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis -in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the -symptoms of a qwert. - -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. -% -Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. -Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! -% -randel, n: - A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an - apology for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & - Preposterous Words -% -Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 -Bo Derek: 35-24-36 -Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 -Bette Middler: 37-25-36 -Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 -Jane Russell: 39-27-38 -Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 -Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 -% -Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number -of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. -% -Reach out and fuck someone. -% -Readers Ask: - Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? - -Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is -usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If -a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is -possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much -of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, -driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill -it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than -puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be -avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, -and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. -Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires -more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver -through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the -sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with -holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will -do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the -urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad -(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But -you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. -% -real buddy, n: - Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back - and give you one. -% -real class, adj: - When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." -% -Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. -% -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps them to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! - -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" -% -Reformed, n: - A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. -% -rejection, n: - When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. -% -Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. -% -Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, -champagne is the best tenderizer. -% -Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only -sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's -changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow -out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking -pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with -the other. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. - "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. - "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw -someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best -blow job in the world!' on the wall." - "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, -we get jerks in here like anywhere else." - "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the -phone number!" -% -Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. -Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. -% -rodeo fuck, n: - When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're - the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on - for seven seconds... -% -Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. -% -Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, -With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. -The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, -So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. -Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, -With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. -Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, -They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. - Roland the Thompson gunner... -His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, -But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. -So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, -That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. - Roland the headless Thompson gunner... -Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. -He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, -Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, -But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. -The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, -Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. -In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, -Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. - -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" -% -ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. -MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide - as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. -% -Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. -"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. -"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," - replies Rosenberg. -"Why the barbers?" -"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." -% -Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. -% -Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. -% -rugby, n: - A sport requiring leather balls. -% -Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered -two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. -% -Runners do it alone. -% -Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty -immensely profitable years in the construction business. - "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have -constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but -am I known as Sam the Builder? No. - And over the years I have contributed literally millions of -dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called -Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! - But suck one little cock..." -% -San Francisco: - A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces - there. -% -San Francisco is my kind of city, -Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. -% -Save a forest - eat a beaver! -% -Save a mouse, eat a pussy! -% -Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! -% -Save the whales. Club a seal instead. -% -schnuffel, n.: - A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed - company. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided -her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." -% -Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the -ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. - -- Edgar Berman -% -SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. -If you desire fluency in the French tongue, -this cunning linguist can lick your problem. - -Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 -% -Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing -the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. - "What are you here for?" he asks. - "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, -and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, -but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." - "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" - "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going -to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." - "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. - Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. - "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" - "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. - "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" - "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so -I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen -wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't -resist it!" admitted the dog. - "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" - "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" -% -Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three -were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with -the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost -again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I -know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, -so they too will know that I understand Your laws." - It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his -plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once -and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other -three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. - So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am -right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." - This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form -one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from -the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted -the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not -be explained by natural causes. - The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when -just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and -a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" - The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips -and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" -% -Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously -pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's -a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks -her what that means. - "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" - "Yeah..." - "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbuttom her blouse." - "Yeah..." - "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and -then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." - "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" -% -Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and -asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job -imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. -% -Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil -he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments -cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and -more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please -believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. -Could we maybe talk?" - The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, -the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man -starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, -I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes -there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" - Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun -in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, -much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if -she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again -and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would -have to be the "back door". - As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; -panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying -you on the bus yesterday. - Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm -actually the bus driver." -% -Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their -symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits -production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of -security while they're being screwed. -% -Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. - -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 -% -SEMINARS: - From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. -% -Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would - notify you if the record has pornographics material or - material glorifying violence?" -Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." -Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on - the album cover is good indication that it's not for little - Johnny." - - -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock - lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 -% -Send lawyers, guns, and money, -The shit has hit the fan. - -- Warren Zevon -% -Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. - -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 -% -Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed -in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen -Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have -any." -% -Sex and drugs and UNIX. -% -Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. -You can do each while thinking about the other. -% -Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. - -- Sophia Loren -% -Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment. -% -Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. -% -Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. -% -Sex is great, -Sex is grand, -Sex around here, -Is mostly by hand. -% -Sex is just one damp thing after another. -% -Sex is like a bridge game -- -If you have a good hand no partner is needed. -% -Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! -% -Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. -% -Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -% -Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Sex is what women have and men want. -% -Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. -% -SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! - details at 11! -% -Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the -temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at -the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's -a joke about that: - -A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a -service, - "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" -The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, - "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" -The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, - "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" -The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, - "Look who thinks he's nobody!" -% -Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. -Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. -Let your pal be your guide. -And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, - or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, - 'cause it digs up your hat, - or has sex with your cat, - sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, - and you get to the point you can't stand any more. -Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. -We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". -% -She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass -If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You -I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave -It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley -If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart -If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again -I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave -It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul -My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him -Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load -I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You - -- proposed Country-Western song titles -% -She asked me if I loved her still. -"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." -% -She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic -candidates for president. - -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", - on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis -% -She never liked zippers, she said, -Until she opened one in bed. -% -She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. -% -She was only: - a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. - a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. - a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. - a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. - a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. - a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. - a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. -% -She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth -Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and -unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back -and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put -her on the top step. - "How dare you?" she demanded. - "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the -second time I thought we'd become good friends." -% -She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. -% -She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: -1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put -Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum - Him: Wondering which word would - best describe her breasts - to the guys - -1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes -Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" - will go all the way - -1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries -Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg - warmers and a leather - face mask - -1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia -Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass - San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- - point before she passed away - -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 -% -She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. -% -Shit happens. -% -Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a -totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you -know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE -says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? -He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed -with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home -to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! -% -Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. -% -Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! -I'm agog with excitement today! - And the reason of course, - A reliable source, -Said the snow blower's heading this way!" -% -Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love -together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms -to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it -isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. -% -Sixteen'll get you twenty. -% -Size counts. -% -small, adj: - Is it in yet? -% -Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. -% -Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? -% -Snow White: - "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... - but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! -% -So, good night, you moonlit ladies, -Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. -Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, -Won't you let me go down in my dreams? -And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. - -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" -% -So, how's your love life? -Still holding your own? -% -So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, -which one would you pick? -% -So it's ai yi yi yi, -Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! -So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, -And waltz me around by my willie! - - There once was a man from Nantucket! - Whose cock was so long he could suck it! - He said with a grin, - As he wiped off his chin, - If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! - -So it's ai yi yi yi, -Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! -So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, -And waltz me around by my willie! - - There once was a young man from Boston! - Who drove around town in an Austin! - There was room for his ass, - And a gallon of gas, - So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! -% -So it's ai yi yi yi, -Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! -So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, -And waltz me around by my willie! - - There once was a man from Racine! - Who invented a screwing machine! - Both concave and convex, - It could please either sex, - But, oh, what a bastard to clean! - -So it's ai yi yi yi, -Your girlfriend douches with Drano! -So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, -And waltz me around by my willie! - - One night a girl had an affair! - With a fellow all covered with hair! - His enormous red whang, - Gave her a wonderful bang -- - She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! -% -So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the -lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation -has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week -and we've got no money left for food." - "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. - "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. -You're going to have to go out and hustle." - "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" - "It's the only way," he said. -Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came -staggering in early the next morning. - "How did you do?" asked the husband. - "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." - "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" - "Everybody," she said. -% -So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our -standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when -I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just -about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's -breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate -shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit -than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's -Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry -% -So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. - "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two -Polacks who --" - "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." -The salesman thought for a moment. - "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." -% -So you fucked up... you trusted us! - -- Animal House -% -So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", -and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? -% -Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. -% -Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, -Father, why do these words sound so nasty? - -- Hair -% -Sodomy is a pain in the ass. -% -SOFTWARE: - Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. -% -Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, -and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. -% -Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, -Drank up several bottles of sherry; - In the Yard around three - They were shrieking with glee: -"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" - -- Edward Gorey -% -Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, -unassisted. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians -fucked the buffalo. -% -Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. -% -Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. -% -Some women are like musical glasses. -To keep them in tune they must be wet. - -- Samuel Coleridge -% -Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. - -- Noel Coward -% -Something better... - -13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? -14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to - perch on. -15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? -16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. -17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? -18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you - leave. -19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. -20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. -21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? -22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! -23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the - coffee ... in Brazil. -24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth - capped. -25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? - -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" -% -Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have -a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." - -- George Carlin -% -Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." - -- Risky Business -% -Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. - -- Little Richard -% -SPINSTER: - Unlusted number. -% -Starkle, starkle, little twink, -Who the hell you are I think -I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep -I'm just a little slort of sheep. -Tee martoonis make a guy, -Feel so woozy, I don't know why. -So mass the pixer and kill my fup -I've all day sober to sunday up. -% -Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. -% -Statisticians probably do it. -% -Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! -% -Stockmayer's Theorem: - If it looks easy, it's tough. - If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. -% -STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: - Bust truster. -% -stress, n: - The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's - desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who - desperately needs it. -% -subpoena, n: - From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ - or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." -% -Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. -% -Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. - -- James P. Hogan -% -successful cunnilingus: - When you wake up the next morning with a face like a - frosted doughnut. -% -SUGAR DADDY: - A man who can afford to raise cain. -% -Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! -Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. -% -Sure banking is Biblical! - -How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? -Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a -little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the -Banks of the Jordan! -% -Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People -know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. -% -swallow, v: - The (blew) bird of birth control. -% -Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. -% -Take a look around you, tell me what you see, -A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. -If you can get close enough to look into her eyes -There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. - And you're fair game, - You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, - Just relax, enjoy the ride. -Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, -But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. -'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. -The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. - (chorus) -The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. -She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. -Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, -And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. - (chorus) - -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" -% -Taoism: Shit Happens. -Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens". -Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. -Hinduism: This shit has happened before. -Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. -Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. -Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? -% -TAXIDERMIST: - A man who mounts animals. -% -Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque -sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, -it's time to spend a night in town. -% -tear leather: - To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore - his leather jerkin' off." -% -tearing off a quicky: - Gunning the jump. -% -Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! -% -Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! -% -Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them -in five minutes with a pistol. - -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" -% -Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've -got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. -If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for -life." - Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked -to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. - "My God, what happened to you?" - "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile -on his bloodied lips. - "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But -what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" - "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was -*pissed*." -% -Tequila my girl, is deceiving: -Take two at the very most. -Take three and you're under the table, -Take four and you're under the host. -% -Test makers do it: - A: sometimes - B: always - C: never - D: none of the above. -% -TEXAN: - A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. -% -That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. -% -That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan -pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When -he got back, he was a husky fucker. -% -The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules -of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, -began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at -nine. Candles out at ten." -% -The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the -home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, -when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- -law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, -the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my -slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove -my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. - Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man -and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let -me catch you wearing my things again." -% -The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. -% -The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. -Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. - -- Dumas -% -The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that -sex for money usually costs a lot less. - -- Brendan Francis -% -The blacksmith told me before he died, -And I have no reason to believe that he lied, -That no matter how he tried, -His wife was never satisfied! - -And so he built a bloody great wheel, -Harnessed to a cock of steel, -Two balls of brass were filled with cream, -And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. - -Round and round went the bloody great wheel, -In and out went the cock of steel, -Till at last the maiden cried, -"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" - -And now we come to the crucial bit -- -There was no way of stopping it. -And she was split from hole to hole, -And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... -% -The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as -they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, - "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have -any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" - "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot -fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." -% -The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. - -- Sidney J. Hurtubise -% -The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. -They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said -there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. - One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said -to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" - Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, -"You must mean _faux_pas_." - "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." - Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French -phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came -for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the -roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite -a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together -and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner -table. Remember all that, Ed?" - "Yeh." - "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass -the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy -bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all -over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, -'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" - "Yeh." - "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." -% -The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? -% -The computer is the ultimate polluter: -Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. -% -The country girl who became a city madam -has obviously gone from rags to rigids. -% -The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that -the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. -% -The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball -is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. -% -The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". -% -The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men -went down on the Titanic. -% -The difference between like and love is the -same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. -% -The difference between this school and a cactus plant -is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. -% -The difference between women and girls -is as much as twenty years in some states. -% -The early worm gets the bird. -% -The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the -text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". -% -The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 -% -The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into -the bedroom. - -- Richard Lewis -% -The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, -black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the -fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered -a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley -and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a -garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. - "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. - "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on -top panted. - "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" -the captain yelled. - "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. -% -The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! - -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. - -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. - -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. - -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. - -- You have drinks with William Holden. - -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. -% -The fucking ain't worth the fighting. -% -The girls that go to see a man's etchings -may not know art, but they know what they like. -% -The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured -their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. -He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this -particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the -doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. -"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before -marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to -woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" - The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, -"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the -phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that -hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the -woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep -in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." - The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," -he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." -% -The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. -% -The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. - -- Truman Capote -% -The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. -These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the -results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be -kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first -put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well -pleases. - -- Sir Josiah Stamp -% -The greatest lies of all time: - (1) I love you. - (2) This won't hurt a bit. - (3) The Mercedes is paid for. - (4) The check is in the mail. - (5) I was just going to call you. - (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. - (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. - (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. - (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. - (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. -% -The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: - --- The morning after note reads: - Whiting, Barbara: - I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute - I wanted to byte your ear. --- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. --- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. --- The last straw: - Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new - program and shows up an hour late. - - You Don't...: - Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. - You Do...: - Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily - indicate a malfunction. -% -The harder they come, the more important it is to have -an extra-firm mattress. -% -The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the -outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately -the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions -occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for -mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. - -- John Hughes, National Lampoon -% -The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. -% -The hope that springs eternal -Springs right up your behind. - -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" -% -The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a -particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. - "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but -was it you I made love to in the library last night?" - His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what -time?" -% -The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him -and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his -lovemaking. - "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he -was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- -even if it's right inside the front door." - At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the -husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" -the consultant asked. - "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still -sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went -absolutely wild!" -% -The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a -day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, -however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his -bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what -had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. - "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," -the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. - An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. -"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph -in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" -% -The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No -Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to -pull it out at the last minute. - -- Not the Nine O'Clock News -% -The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite -two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each -other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full -account of the wedding night's progress. - "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince -entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my -honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' -And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. -% -The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) -is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small -town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 -gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a -majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts -soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court -has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our -anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws -has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time -resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't -want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and -said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his -wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. -Fact is, I rather like it." -% -The lights are on, -but you're not home; -Your will -is not your own; -Your heart sweats, -Your teeth grind; -Another kiss -and you'll be mine... - -You like to think that you're immune to the stuff -(Oh Yeah!) -It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; -You know you're gonna have to face it, -You're addicted to love!" - -- Robert Palmer -% -The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what -they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. - That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were -making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you -a baby brother." - "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a -puppy." -% -The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package -containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor -were delivered in a welter of tears. - "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't -see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... -(blubber,blubber)!" - "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, -"and would you care to have them mounted?" - "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." -% -The long-peckered Bey of Algiers -Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. - A demon for semen, - This buffersome he-man -Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. -% -The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she -whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you -were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant -exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke -a certain awful recognition. - -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" -% -The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She -is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. - -- Norton -% -The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all -the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. - -- Rabbi Meir Kahane -% -The mind is its own place, and in itself -Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. -What matter where, if I be still the same, -And what I should be, all but less than he -Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least -We shall be free; the almighty hath not built -Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; -Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, -To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: -Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. - -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 -% -The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. -% -The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. -% -The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" -% -The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive -jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. -% -The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was -"Are you sure you're not a cop?" - -- Larry Brown -% -The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is -that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. -% -The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their -virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which -you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to -stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the -man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into -your eyes - or just by staring into space. - -- Marilyn Monroe -% -The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two -adopted children. - -- Paul Ehrlich -% -The moving finger having writ... gestures. -% -The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on -their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. - "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at -the dinner table." - Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair -and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a -hint of a smile. - "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." - "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you -be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" -% -The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could -hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor -replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water -pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest -returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. - - 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. - 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. - 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. - 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". - 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, - "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" - 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his - Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". - 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. - 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred - to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". - 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. - 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a - Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling - Contest at St. Taffy's. -% -The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb -to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately -upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the -barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I -want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the -roost with my blessings." - The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only -a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again -took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after -me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, -ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the -henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. - The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. -Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, -weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to -overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster -maintained a formidable lead. - Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the -dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. - "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy -from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." -% -The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is -that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. -% -The only difference between your girlfriend -and a barracuda is the nailpolish. -% -The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. - -- Stendhal -% -The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is -that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. -% -The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. - -- Mike O'Dell -% -The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common -lamp-post. - -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" -% -The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in -bed with a dead girl or a live boy. - -- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor -% -The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to -her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only way you'll ever hear from -me is if you're living in the same hell. - -- Roy Harper -% -The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the -catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, -guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. -The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of -her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right -hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at -once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette -to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs -of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. -% -The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. -% -The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. - "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" - "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. -"What IS your name?" -% -The penis mightier than the sword. -% -the perfect woman: - Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest - your drink. - - [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] -% -The pleasure is momentary, -The position ridiculous, -The expense damnable. - -- Chesterfield, on sex -% -The pleasure is transitory, the cost -prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. - -- Disraeli, on sex -% -The plural of spouse is spice. - -- R.A. Heinlein -% -The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman -who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private -secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had -been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. - "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a -twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his -private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings -and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the -third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me -into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet -and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. -I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it -for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten -dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." -% -The poor little doe -Crawled out of the woods, -Tired, bedraggled and blue. -"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, -I should have asked for two!" -% -The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops -for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think -of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" - "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. - "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" -% -The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two -one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. -He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he -noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and -as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, - "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two -singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" - Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I -wanted to go downtown for a blow job." - The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do -that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." - When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. -Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, -you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. -What is a blow job?" - Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." -% -The problem with being best man at a wedding -is that you never get a chance to prove it. -% -The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a -Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, -how is Brown going to get to Washington? -% -The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -The quality of a blow-job is determined by the -length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. -% -The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have -to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. -% -The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. -% -The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because -they can't masturbate. -% -The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the -rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. -% -The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. -% -The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. -% -The rich man uses vaseline, - The poor man uses lard; -The worker uses axle grease - But gets it twice as hard. -% -The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was -certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. - "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. - "There certainly is," she agreed. - "Some really bright stars in the sky." - She nodded. - "Some dew on the grass." - "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." -% -The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the -community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. -% -The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a -dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... - "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" -% -The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. - -- Diana Rigg -% -The sex life of spiders is very interesting. -He fucks her. -She bites his head off. - -- From a Women's Lib Poster -% -The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar -on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd -survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely -woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind -her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public -toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. - -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" -% -The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his -doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing -the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing -psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he -felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, -and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he -inquired. - The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having -supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It -was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the -dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's -just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." -% -The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. -% -The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it -like that of wrestling with a fine woman. - -- Lord Halifax -% -The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, -And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, -To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting -And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. - -My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully -With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, -I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window -Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. - -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith -% -The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman. -% -The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. -% -The three sexual positions during pregnancy. - -During the first four months: Missionary style -During the second four months: Doggie style -And during the last month: Coyote style - -Coyote style? - You sit by the hole and howl. -% -The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. -% -The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner -threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with -farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved -back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers -jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the -blaze under control. - The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they -gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the -driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. - "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, -"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" -% -The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. -% -The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They -were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut -off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. -Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, -he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly -flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. -He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, -called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." -% -The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took -great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. -This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. -The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, -ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, - "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" -The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, - "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" -% -The two things that you should never lend out are your car -or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. -% -The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really -like going to church. -% -The Utah version of this joke goes: - One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' -office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important -that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" - The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is -in the lobby!!" - The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The -prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" - The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... -black, and SHE IS PISSED!" -% -The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important -shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared -to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many -customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat -next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and -coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled -herself for a few moments and then snapped, - "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." - "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." -% -The voters have spoken, the bastards... -% -The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. -% -The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a -hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily -accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. - "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden -said. - "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The -youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. -"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against -nature. The bully!" - "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." - "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same -evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on -Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." -% -The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the -absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. - -- Havelock Ellis -% -The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great -deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. - -- Balzac -% -The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in -almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have -attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in -silly puns about "standing erect". -% -The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. -% -The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her -first visit home since starting college. - "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity -last weekend." - "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner -or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." - "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight -guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." -% -The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the -woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in -his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. - "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" - "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't -stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." -% -Then there was the girl who was engaged -to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. -% -Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or -swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. -% -Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting -for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. -% -Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. -After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged -for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he -went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on -well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American -dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so -they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the -nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous -babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. - "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got -for your lousy fifty bucks." -% -Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a -brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They -caught him when he came back for the brick. -% -There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. -% -There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, -there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, -there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, -I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. - -I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, -And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. -And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, -They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. - -You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, -You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. -You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for -You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. -...Because... - -Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, -spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. -but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, -semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. - -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" -% -There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. -% -There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of -a bitch, you ate five of them. - -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for - cannibalism in 1874. -% -There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them -are having to take turns. - -- T.K. -% -There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The -president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so -competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little -test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their -desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests -in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the -promotion? The one with the big tits! -% -There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. -% -There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day -they notice a sapling half-way between them. - One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" - "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. - "A son of a BEECH!" - "A son of a BIRCH!" - "Son of a beech!" - "Son of a birch!" - -The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what -kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and -the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a -beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. - "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash -I've had my pecker in for a long time!" -% -There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a -woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. -% -There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- -the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. -% -There is nothing as overrated as a bad -lay, or as underrated as a great shit. -% -There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. -Boring your friends about it is the sin. - -- Mama Liz -% -There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass -And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. -Where seagulls flew over their nest. -She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. -And caused her to tickle and itch. -The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. -A sittin' out there on the rocks." -The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. -And crowded four deep to the rail. -All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. -... -"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. -And soon we will certainly find -If mermaids are better before or be... brave -My dear fellows," The captain cried out. -And cursing with spleen. -This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. - -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt -% -There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, -glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the -man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it -and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the -front page before discarding it?" - The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." - "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." - "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will -be on the front page." - -- Attributed to FDR. -% -There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the -driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" - He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." - And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty -discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same -question. - The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." - And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was -downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive -lady, and she asked the same question. - He answered: "I'm a Republican." - And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." - They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her -skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take -it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been -a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" -% -There was a young tenor named Springer, -Got his testicles caught in a wringer. - He hollered in pain, - As they rolled down the drain, -"There goes my career as a singer!" -% -There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, -rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", -or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing -the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. - One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry -tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, -feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, -but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to -participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not -in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." - Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom -and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living -room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing -some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small -load!" -% -There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- -brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to -follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such -good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the -corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the -assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes -and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them -the following pitch. - "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand -of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" - At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream -in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" - The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a -toothbrush?" -% -There was something about her I liked, -but I couldn't put my finger on it. -% -There were the Scots -Who kept the Sabbath -And everything else they could lay their hands on. -Then there were the Welsh -Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. -Thirdly there were the Irish -Who never knew what they wanted -But were willing to fight for it anyway. -Lastly there were the English -Who considered themselves a self-made nation -Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. -% -There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me -a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? - -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" -% -There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and -treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your -soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's -not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What -limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star -in their own movie, let alone direct it. - -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle -% -There's a vas deferens between men and women. -% -There's amnesia in a hangknot, -And comfort in the ax, -But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. - There's surcease in a gunshot, - And sleep that comes from racks, - But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. -You find rest on the hot squat, -Or gas can give you pax, -But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. - There's refuge in the church lot - When you tire of facing facts, - And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. -Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, - Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- - But the pleasantest place to find your end - Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. - -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" -% -There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. - Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. - Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. - Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. -% -There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? -A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. - -- Billy Joel -% -There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - -- David Mairowitz -% -They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. - -- Gallagher -% -They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the -lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- -light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. -She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the -barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her -thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent -she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his -father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, -uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness, -spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and -again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His -mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. -"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes -burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. - "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" -% -This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. -Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and - took my Russian watch. -Desk Sergeant: Come again? -Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and - took my Russian watch. -DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who - would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who - knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? -Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. -% -This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women -stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, -looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a -stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly -desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a -one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he -decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, -and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the -steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. - "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" - From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when -the shit hit the fan?" -% -This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are -really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells -him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks -the patient a week later. - "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the -good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." -% -This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two --- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' -other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja -git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." - "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. - "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" - "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up -to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all -stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' -all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? -She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" - "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff -explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" - "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does -me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." -% -This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: - -Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." -Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" -M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." -T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." -M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." -T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." - -The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank -manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. - -Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" -M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." -Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request - that you not use abusive language to our tellers." -M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to - open a fuckin' savings account!" -Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" -% -This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. -"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds -himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide -except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, - "Do you always jog in the nude?" - "Yes ma'am!" he replies. - "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. - "Yes ma'am!" he replies. - "Do you always wear a condom?" - "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." -% -This here's the wattle -The emblem of our land -You can stick it in a bottle -Or you can hold it in your hand. - -- Monty Python -% -This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He -obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks -and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging -off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an -affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging -on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its -tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. - "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. - "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. - "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" - "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. -% -This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. -If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! -% -This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. -% -This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. -So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. - - Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, - Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - Di-dah di-dah di-dah? - Di-dah di-dah di-dah. - Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. -% -This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would -stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, -the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be -with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it -off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his -mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. -During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's -prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his -prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." -Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening -weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to -bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the -news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series -of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month -later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't -be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was -going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake -and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing -a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying -dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. -% -This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. -% -This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. -% -THORNY: - A thailor at thea. -% -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% -Thought: - Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! -% -Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at -the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one -of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, -had to break the news to his wife. - They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her -poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her -tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" - "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take -a piss." -% -Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would -be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending -over in their tight pants. - "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little -costumes, and think of the holds." - "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be -pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper -right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys -rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, -`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" -% -Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and -a bowl of Wheaties. - -- Richard Pryor -% -Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, -and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and -women will take a little longer. - -- Spiro Agnew -% -Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, -however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except -for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. - So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes -on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it -never rains when you have your laundry out?" - "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out -my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's -going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know -it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" - "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. - "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." -% -Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the -better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was -going to test their ability at situation reasoning. - "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft -alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several -sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid -the problem?" - "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and -flee," said the first girl. - "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded -the second woman. - "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, -but I fail to see the problem." -% -three-bag ugly, adj: - That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your - head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep - it from howling. - -four-bag ugly, adj: - When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. -% -Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. -You seriously consider the job because it gives you: - - 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. - 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. - 3: Free blood. - 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at - all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. -% -Tim and I a hunting went -We found three damsels in a tent, -As they were three, and we were two, -I bucked one and Timbuktu. - -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" -% -'Tis the dream of each programmer, -Before his life is done, -To write three lines of APL, -And make the damn things run. -% -To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. -% -To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. -% -To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and -then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you -to leave her, you've got to annoy her. - -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" -% -Today is gonna be one helluva week! -% -Todays title: - Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships -% -Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. - -- An American astronaut -% -tourist, n: - A pretty girl in Oklahoma. -% -Tourist to New Yorker: - "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I - just go fuck myself?" -% -transvestite, n: - Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. -% -Tri Delts; everyone else has. -% -TRUST: - Two cannibals having oral sex. -% -trust me: - Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse - she rode in on." -% -T-shirt of the Day: - Head for the Mountains - -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer - -Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): - If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! - -- courtesy someone else -% -T-shirt of the Day: - - See Dick Drink... - See Dick Drive... - See Dick Die. - DON'T BE A DICK. -% -T-shirt of the Week: - I'm not excited, I'm cold! -% -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod -Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that -And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! - Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun -He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" -Long time the cool young stuff he - sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, -So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, -And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled - And doffed her miniskirt. -One, two! One, two! And through - and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? -The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! -He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" -And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. - -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod -Did groove and trip out at the pad: -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, -And the Radcliffe undergrad. -% -Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but -twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. - -- Wilde -% -Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. -The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other -side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold -watch. - The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what -they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and -so they trade. - That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him -looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. - The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta -you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" - "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day -you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta -you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" -% -Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. - "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. - "No, old man, what about him?" - "Last seen in Africa, you know." - "No, I didn't." - "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." - "Queer." - "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." -% -Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them -whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed -like hours. - "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward -the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel -and went back to where his companion was waiting. - "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife -and the other's my mistress!" - "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back -before reaching the green. - "What's wrong?" Bill asked. - "Small world, isn't it?" -% -Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - - -Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she -had been doing, she committed suicide. - -Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they -had been doing, they buried her. - -Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they -had been doing, they dug her back up. -% -Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One -boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" - "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" - "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the -alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. -Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came -to work. I feel like a bull!" - His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have -to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his -wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off -to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love -again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third -time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late -for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When -he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. - "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've -never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" - "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes -that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." -% -Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd -lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could -do that." - The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you -ought to get to know him a little first." -% -Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother -Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse -me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" - Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget -nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply -was no. - The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' -your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at -all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. - At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand -on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" -% -Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from -church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the -nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother -superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her -strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not -what he does!" - To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" -% -Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other -that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love -with her. - The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old -as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and -make love to your wife?" - The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make -love every day." - "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" - "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. - The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself -pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby -bakery. - Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock -of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want -all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it -will get hard?" - "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" -% -Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital -were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that -went along these lines: - (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" - (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" -and this continued for quite sometime. - Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is -'womb'" and trotted off. - (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." - (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, -let alone heard one fart underwater." -% -Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a -hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden -leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their -injuries. - "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant -vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with -a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put -on. How did you lose your leg?" - "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a -terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" - "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. - "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all -these years, does it?" - "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; -a seagull shit in my eye." - "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why -you would *lose* the eye..." - "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." -% -Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat -in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" -one asked his companion. - "I don't know." - "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat -American foods." - So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat -them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over -at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" -% -Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that -cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" - "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, -I must admit, we've had some problems." - "Problems? What's wrong?" - "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he -wants to shove his fist up my ass." -% -Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily -disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young -men remarked to his friend, - "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being -good for a man's virility?" - "Yes, why?" the friend replied. - "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a -dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." -% -Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a -bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. -% -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson -% -Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". -% -Unix programmers do it with pipes. -% -Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting -on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd -had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow -man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. - "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my -wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." - "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to -muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her -back." - "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. - "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you -love her," sympathized the executive. - "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm -thirsty again." -% -U.S. of A.: - "Don't speak to the bus driver." -Germany: - "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." -England: - "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." -Scotland: - "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" -Italy: - "Don't answer the driver." -% -Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: - -AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. - Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. - -FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. - I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down - on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. - -SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. - I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. -% -Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: - -AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. - It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to - travel in the trunk of your car. - -FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO -GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. - If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital - appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my - country in public. - -KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. - I will tell you the names and addresses of - many American spies traveling as reporters. -% -Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: - -MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. - It is with greatest pleasure that I sign - this confession of capital crimes. - -MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. - The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. - -TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. - The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. - I must have the recipe. - -ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE -DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. - Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed - self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. -% -USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- -massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and -a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least -expect it. - -- Gene Spafford -% -User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. -Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to -upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte -sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should -be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is -looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as -well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files -permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software -is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before -completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... -especially if special features and options are utilized. -% -vagina, n: - The box a penis comes in. -% -vaginal lubricant, n: - A slitty slicker. -% -Vandalism On The Upswing! - Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the - front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred - dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional - wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. -% -Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. -% -Vd, n: - The gift that keeps on giving. -% -Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the -ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. -Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, -it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open -to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. - -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" -% -Vidi, vici, veni. -(I saw, I conquered, I came.) -% -Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her -back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep -with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put -an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. -You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with -less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and -you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't -know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure -for both. - -- The Joy of Sex -% -virgin, n: - An ugly third grader. -% -Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, -which takes but one prick to break. - -- Jordan Sand -% -VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) - Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and - assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People - will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the - paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. -% -Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a -divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." - What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge -in unusual sex practices?" - "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little -queer." -% -VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? -% -W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... - but you sure as hell can see it from there! -% -Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. -% -War is menstruation envy. -% -Was it you that did the pushin', -Left the stains upon the cushion, -The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? -Was it you, you little pecker, -That got into my Rebecca, -If you did, you'd better leave this town! - -Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', -Left the stains upon the cushion, -Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. -But since I stuck your daughter, -I've had trouble passin' water, -So I guess we're kind of even all around! -% -wasp, n: - Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. -% -Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) -% -Watching girls go passing by -It ain't the latest thing -I'm just standing in a doorway -I'm just trying to make some sense -Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves -The tales they tell of men Remember what I said -I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady -I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend -... -Don't need a whore -Don't need no booze -Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts -But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth -I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady - I'm just waiting on a friend - I'm just waiting on a friend - -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" -% -Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. - -- W.C. Fields -% -We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything -we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain -inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and -when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's -only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your -Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, -he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die -and stink to Heaven. - -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson -% -We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb -your cities. - -- Robin Williams -% -We are upping our standards ... so up yours. - -- Pat Paulsen for President -% -We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. - -- Hugh Romney -% -We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, -Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. -Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, -And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. - -Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. - -Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, -Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. -Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, -(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! - -Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! - -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" -% -We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -% -We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! - -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" -% -We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. - -- James Watt, noted ecologist -% -We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs -with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, -and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to -fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's -called civilization and its discontents. - -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" -% -We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free -his hands for masturbation. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -We must! We must! -We must increase our bust! -The bigger the better! -The tighter the sweater! -And the boys will think more of us! -% -We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. - -- Groucho Marx -% -We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, -Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, -I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, -And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! -(chorus) (chorus) - -In the church of Aphrodite, -The priestess wears a see through nightie, -She's a mighty righteous sightie, -And she's good enough for me! -(chorus) - -CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, - Give me that old time religion, - Give me that old time religion, - 'Cause it's good enough for me! -% -Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! -We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! -There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, -Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. -Come inside, the show's about to start, -Guaranteed to blow your head apart. -Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, -Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! -You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! -You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! - -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) -% -Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! - Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known - banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop - us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that - your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice - and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You - have two days to reach us at: - - Fortune Blackmail - Behind the hot water pipes, - Third stall from the end, - Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. -% -Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! - This is the first of a series of revelations which could - add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible - criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. - So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: - 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. - 2: What you were doing. - 3: The names of the three people involved. - 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. - 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. -% -Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're -not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself -up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're -always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class -joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap -y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some -provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, -y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, -mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not -too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, -"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that -romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself -up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little -something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back -records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the -morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way -around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way -around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird -about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda -spend a little time with myself. - -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" -% -Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? - -- Martha Mitchell -% -Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, -Excitable boy, they all said! -And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, -Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) - -He took in the 4am show at the Clark, -Excitable boy, they all said! -And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, -Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) - -He took little Susie to the junior prom, -Excitable boy, they all said! -And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, -Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) - -After ten long years they let him out of the home, -Excitable boy, they all said! -And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, -Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) - -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" -% -Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, -I hope they comin' for me! -And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, -I hope they doin' it for free! -They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! -First time that I got it I was just ten years old, -Got it from the kitty next door... -I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, -I think I got it some more! -Got a bad scratch fever... - -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" -% -Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? -They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. -They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, -I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. - -Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, -No bras left, just a queer over there. -But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; -I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. - -My baby's not a sports fan, -But she plays with balls whenever she can. -'Cause her favorite sport you see, -Is playing tonsil hockey. -[chorus] - Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; - Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. - Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; - Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. - -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" -% -Well, I'd left home just a week before, -And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, -But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, -And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' -Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, -But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. -La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. - -- The Kinks -% -Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke -down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to -find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find -a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of -beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen -and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman -rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware -that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." - "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to -be Frank!" -% -"Well, madam," the bishop declared, -While the vicar just mumbled and stared, - "'Twere better, perhaps, - In the crypt or the apse, -Because sex in the nave must be shared." -% -Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her -back to the wall. - -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems - -Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. - -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems -% -Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and -she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked -her twice and slapped her. -% -Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had -my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely -you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! -% -Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly -backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will -experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, -though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about -your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. -So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but -that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, -or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to -distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb -tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for -awhile. -% -Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick -a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. - -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 -% -Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile -and not very much of a bird. - -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a - zoologist who has studied the Archaeopteryx and found it - "very much like people". -% -Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and -a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out -and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, -did the same. - The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister -hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after -thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end -of the tail pipe. -% -We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk -philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. -% -Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms -of a chambermaid as a duchess. - -- Dr. Johnson -% -wet dream, n: - Overnight sensation. -% -We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but -divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night -but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the -poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering -"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" -% -"We've got things well in hand." - -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. -% -We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the -various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According -to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and -3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. -% -What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how -she would look without them. - -- Brendan Francis -% -What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, -I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but -my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. -% -What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? - "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." - -Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... -% -What do hookers do on their nights off, type? - -- Elayn Boosler -% -What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? -An incurable romantic. -% -What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more -sex than you are. - -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", - by N. Mackwood -% -What the fuck, over? -% -What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. -% -What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. -% -What with chromodynamics and electroweak too -Our Standardized Model should please even you, -Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none -It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. -Yet your state of the union penultimate large -Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, -And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll -Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. -Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back -For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, -But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude -Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. -Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, -You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, -That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere -Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear -Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta -Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. - -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 -% -What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is -better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. -There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he -did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart -on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. -Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his -funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had -supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs -make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work -and great art to make life not so serious. - -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" -% -Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. -% -What's on the floor of the old hen-house? -Doo-doo, doo-doo. - -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" -% -What's the worst thing about being an atheist? -No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm. -% -When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. -% -When a man grows old and his balls - grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink -And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell -When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete - one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. -He can tell a tale or two. - -When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete -Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete -It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, -And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt - So the shooting ain't so bad. -There was rarely a day without a lay -And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete -For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. -Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of - a fuck -Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. -And a bison cow or so; -And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick -This fucking was mighty slow. - -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell -% -When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. -% -When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, -I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: -In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, -Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, - Well, the men don't know, -They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. - shot full of holes, -Nurse try to save a soul. -Killed her for murder first degree, -Judge what tried let the man go free. - -Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, -Rather be dead six feet in the ground. -When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, -I eats more chicken than any man's seen. - -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 -% -When he tried to inject his huge whanger -A young man aroused his girl's anger. - As they strove in the dark - She was heard to remark, -"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." -% -When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to -lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally -honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to -fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first -to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. - The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking -Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where -the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. -"I've got to lay you or Jack off." - "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." -% -When I need something -To help me unwind -I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy -With a one-track mind Does a lot for me -Smart guys are nowhere Superman -They make demands With a lobotomy -Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard -With talented hands My brother's out of Yale -I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night -And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail -I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me -For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot - But the way he growled and bit me -The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots -The harder I fall -In love till we're done The bigger they are -Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work - I got a soft spot - For a good-looking jerk - -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" -% -When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some -kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, -"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." - -- Jake LaMotta - -You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two -months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a -vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything -like that. - -- Jake LaMotta -% -When in calling, plain speaking is out; -When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, -You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; -You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. -It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog -When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; -But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss -It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. - -- Ogden Nash -% -When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by -a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! -% -When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. -% -When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of -pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of -a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that -a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." - -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" - -Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell -him for 29. - -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI -% -When the candles are out all women are fair. - -- Plutarch -% -When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his -selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. - "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. -"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." - "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching -item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? - "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't -sell you that one for less than a hundred." - "I'll take it." - Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was -going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white -vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred -bucks for my Thermos." -% -When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. - -- Old Jewish saying - -[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] -% -When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! -% -When they tell me to stick it where -the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. -% -When things go wrong as they usually will, -And your daily road seems all uphill, -When funds are low and debts are high, -When you try to smile, but can only cry -- -And you really feel you'd like to quit, -Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. -% -When you and I are far apart -Can sorrow break your tender heart? -I love you darling, yes I do; -Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; -All you are is a blossoming rose. -Night is here so I must close. -With care read the first word of each line. -You will find a question of mine. - -- Yours hopefully, The VAX. -% -When you're lying on the bed, -And the thought is in your head, -But the feeling is way down between your legs, -Take your problem in your hand, -And beat it to the band, -And try your best to keep it off the walls. - -Don't let your lover tell you, -Don't let anybody sell you, -That the joy of masturbation is a crime. -For I've rid myself of fears, -(I've been doing it for years) -And now I have an erection all the time. -% -Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means -up your ass. -% -"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" -"Yeah." -"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" -% -Which of the following doesn't belong? - a. meat - b. eggs - c. drum - d. blowjob. - -Answer: - d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, - or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. -% -While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who -was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his -hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as -will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. - On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower -into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair -curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie -magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent -erection. - Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, -mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" -% -While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are -scarcely sufficient to service one woman. - -- Boccaccio -% -While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. -% -While sitting 'neath an oak one morn -In thought on this and that, -A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift -A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! - Why didst thou feel that my best hat -"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" -And brings joy to my heart. -But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, -Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, - For thy hat I thought was my nest, -I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." -His words to better mull, -Then lifted up a paving block -And crushed his fucking skull. - -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" -% -While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it -might be a good idea to write to his girl. He had brought no stationery with -him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and -only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm -girl with languorous eyes. - "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. - "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I -just go wild." -% -Whip it, baby. -Whip it right. -Whip it, baby. -Whip it all night! -% -Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? - -Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. -Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting -it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for -his Wang. -% -Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! -% -Why I am an atheist: - -1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. -2. God is the highest power. -3. Therefore, God must be an atheist. -4. We should all strive to be like God. -5. We should all be atheists. -% -Why is it that there are so many more -horses' asses than there are horses? - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? -Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. -% -Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them -then she isn't good enough for you. -% -Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl -who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It -would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those -stupid enough to consent to such a deal. - -- Edward Abbey -% -...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something -you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. -If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you -lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter -of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself -and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. - -- Edmund Carlevale -% -Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears -Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. -Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly -It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. - -At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well -Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. -"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, -When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. -% -Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. -% -With a bushel of apples, you can have -a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. -% -wok, n: - Something to thwow at a wabbit. -% -Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like -hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood -movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this -what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" - -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" -% -Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. -% -Women should be obscene and not heard. -% -Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can -be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. - -- Norman Mailer -% -Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; -you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. -% -Working here is like a pregnancy. -After nine months you wish you hadn't come. -% -World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, -a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. -The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and -Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful -settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war -postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel -appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! -Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" - So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling -the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the -Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God -said, "It will be done." - The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* -wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." - So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of -shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel -avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew -thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small -cup of coffee." -% -Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? -% -Writers do it between periods. -% -"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I -realized I was just flogging a dead horse." -% -Yesterday is a memory, - Tomorrow is a vision, - Today is a bitch! -% -You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. -% -You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, -and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, -thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. -% -You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. -% -You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. -Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! -% -"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" - -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon -% -You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. -% -You can get used to living at a nudist camp. -The first three days are the hardest. - -- R. Dreiser -% -You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; -but you can't pick your friend's nose. -% -You come out of a woman and you spend the rest -of your life trying to get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams -% -You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. -% -You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles -are the biggest bastards on earth. - -- John Lennon -% -You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. -It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with -a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. -% -You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. -% -You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. -% -You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! -% -You see that fucking fish? -If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. - -- Sam Giancana -% -You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. -% -You wanna play the dozens, -Well, the dozens is a game, -But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! - -- George Carlin -% -You will always have friends -Some friends will peter out. -But I'll always be your friend, -Peter in or peter out. -% -You'll be a guest at a gay party. -That will have important consequences for you. -% -Young men want to be faithful and are not; -old men want to be faithless and cannot. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... - - -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. - -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out - with an ice pick. - -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. - -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" - -- they were the birth control poster child. - -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. - -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to - get the puppy to play with them. - -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! -% -Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, -shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" - -- Johnny Carson -% -Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that -there are more important things in life than great sex. -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) - "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your -motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. -Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. -But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. - -SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. -My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought of food -out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing -both hands against the table edge and pushing back. - -CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) - Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something -extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies -accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for -what you are than loved for what you're not. -% -Your spooning days are over, - And your pilot light is out; -When what used to be your sex appeal - Is now your water spout! -% -You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. -% -Yuck Foo. -% -Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, -I just gave my sister's cherry away! -To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., -Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. - -- John Valby -% -A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top -of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain -the last but one. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -I go the way that Providence dictates. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether -it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether -he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right -that matters, but victory. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I -just couldn't help myself. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Imagine me going around with a pot belly. -It would mean political ruin. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -The broad mass of a nation... will more easily -fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -The very first essential for success is a perpetually -constant and regular employment of violence. - -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" -% -There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, -Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the -Fatherland. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -What luck for the rulers that men do not think. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine -stuff.... - -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial - testimony, 1947 -% -- cgit v1.2.3-56-ge451