From 385fcebc577fc7002f25313cbc70de3b4d69c99e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: mjl Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 16:37:45 +0000 Subject: Sort and remove duplicates. --- fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real | 8067 ++++++++++++++++++-------------------- 1 file changed, 3888 insertions(+), 4179 deletions(-) (limited to 'fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real') diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real index 6d26b112..45c6e47f 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -1,3 +1,57 @@ +"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, +"You have told me my bosom is snowy; + You have made much fine verse on + Each part of my person, +Now do something -- there's a good boy!" +% +"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" +Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. + "Since dating Miss Baugh, + My whole tongue has been raw-- +It must have been something I ate." +% +"I do love a lay every day, +So whenever you're coming this way + Just phone in advance + And I'll jerk off my pants, +And we're set for a sexy soiree!" +% +"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, +"Come on, take it out, and let's play." + He pulled it on out, + But she started to pout, +His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. +% +"The testes are cooler outside," +Said the doc to the curious bride, + "For the semen must no + Get too fucking hot, +And the bag fans your bum on the ride." +% +"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, +"And told my wife to try it on top. + She bounced for an hour, + Till she ran out of power, +And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." +% +'Tis a custom in Castellamare +To fuck in the back of a lorry. + The chassis and springs + Are like woodwinds and strings +In the midst of a musical soiree. +% +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +% +A Frenchman who lived in Alsace +Had sex with a virgin named Grace. + When he popped her cherry, + She made things hairy +By bleeding all over his face. +% A bad little girl in Madrid, A most reprehensible kid, Told her Tante Louise @@ -7,7 +61,7 @@ And the worst of it was that it did! A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, + And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. % A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? @@ -128,6 +182,12 @@ Had a pussy as large as a muff. And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff. % +A clergical student named Simms +Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: + A nice piece of ass + Gets the B-Minor Mass ... +All the others get Anglican hymns. +% A clerical student named Pryne Through pain sought to reach the divine: He wore a hair shirt, @@ -177,12 +237,6 @@ And had an affair with a Saracen. Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. % -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. -% A cute little twerp from Samoa Had a cock of one inch and no moa. It was good for keyholes @@ -231,12 +285,6 @@ Got along with a sexy young sophomore. He stripped off his pants, But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. % -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. She blew her vagina @@ -249,6 +297,12 @@ Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. In South Carolina, And part of her ass in Brazil. % +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% A dolly in Dallas named Alice, Whose overworked sex is all callous, Wore the foreskin away @@ -297,12 +351,6 @@ Just didn't know what he was missin', And neglecting his cock, And using it merely for pissin'. % -A Frenchman who lived in Alsace -Had sex with a virgin named Grace. - When he popped her cherry, - She made things hairy -By bleeding all over his face. -% A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina @@ -402,12 +450,6 @@ Has taken a-hold of papa. And other odd mammals, And gives them a go at mama. % -A habit obscene and unsavory, -Holds a CS professor in slavery. - With maniacal howls, - He deflowers young owls, -That he keeps in an underground aviary. -% A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk Made love to the drive of his disk. The thing circumsized him, @@ -493,12 +535,6 @@ Weaveth all night at her loom. When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. % -A lad, at his first copulation, -Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, - Gyration, elation - Throughout the duration, -I guess I'll give up masturbation." -% A lad from far-off Transvaal Was lustful, but tactful withal. He'd say, just for luck, @@ -511,6 +547,12 @@ Had erogenous zones in his mind. By solving equations, (Of course, in the end, he went blind.) % +A lad, at his first copulation, +Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, + Gyration, elation + Throughout the duration, +I guess I'll give up masturbation." +% A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; From the back she would wail @@ -556,12 +598,6 @@ To revise her existence misspent. Where she stayed through the following Lent. -- Edward Gorey % -A lady, while dining in Crewe, -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout - Or wave it about -Or the others will ask for one, too." -% A lady who signs herself "Vexed" Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: "I don't mind my shins @@ -575,6 +611,12 @@ Was famed for her area pubic. She replied in surprise, "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" % +A lady, while dining in Crewe, +Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout + Or wave it about +Or the others will ask for one, too." +% A lass at the foot of her class Asked a brainier chick how to pass. She replied, "With no fuss @@ -725,18 +767,18 @@ Has a voice that will shortly be heard. He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. % -A newlywed couple from Goshen -Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. - In twenty-eight days - They got laid eighty ways -- -Imagine such fucking devotion! -% A newly-wed man of Peru Found himself in a terrible stew: His wife was in bed Much deader than dead, And so he had no one to screw. % +A newlywed couple from Goshen +Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. + In twenty-eight days + They got laid eighty ways -- +Imagine such fucking devotion! +% A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, In the pleasures of men was well-versed. Reads the sign o'er the head @@ -816,6 +858,12 @@ Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. And John Brink petered out, With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. % +A potter who lived in Bombay +Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; + But the heat of his prick + Kilned the damn thing to brick +And chafed all his foreskin away. +% A pretty wife living in Tours Demanded her daily amour. But the husband said, "No! @@ -852,12 +900,11 @@ Made her home on a purple pagoda. Of her halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. % -A programmer down in Moline -Said, I'm the match for any machine. - My secret's aversion, - To loops and recursion, -Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W.J. Wilson +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. % A rapist who reeked of cheap booze Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. @@ -877,12 +924,6 @@ Had no qualms about taking a chance, To get screwed in the nude, So she always went home with damp pants. % -A remarkable race are the Persians; -They have such peculiar diversions. - They make love the whole day - In the usual way -And save up the nights for perversions. -% A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day @@ -1070,11 +1111,11 @@ Was worn out from her toes to her dome. But she said, "Nothing doing; One of you has to go home!" % -A trapper named Francois Lefebrve -Once captured and buggered a beabrve. +A trapper named Francois Lefevre +Once captured and buggered a beaver. The result of this fuck Was a three titted duck, -A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. +A canoe, and an Irish retriever. % A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to tutor two tutors to toot @@ -1167,6 +1208,12 @@ Founds lots of red spots on his tool. "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" % +A young Juliet of St. Louis +On a balcony stood acting screwy. + Her Romeo climbed, + But he wasn't well timed, +And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! +% A young bride and groom of Australia Remarked as they joined genitalia : "Though the system seems odd, @@ -1179,12 +1226,6 @@ That although of penis devoid, By eating a foetus, And his parents were quite overjoyed. % -A young Juliet of St. Louis -On a balcony stood acting screwy. - Her Romeo climbed, - But he wasn't well timed, -And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! -% A young lad named Lester McGraw Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. As he watched him stick her @@ -1241,6 +1282,12 @@ Was so big that there weren't any bigger. Was so heavy it could Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. % +A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll +While bent over plucking a dingle + Had the whole of Eisteddfod + Taking turns at his pod +While they sang some impossible jingle. +% A young man of acumen and daring, Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, Was left quite alone @@ -1248,12 +1295,6 @@ Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, That their use at his board was unsparing. -- Edward Gorey % -A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll -While bent over plucking a dingle - Had the whole of Eisteddfod - Taking turns at his pod -While they sang some impossible jingle. -% A young man with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He slapped her behind @@ -1290,6 +1331,24 @@ Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester." % +Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, +The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, + Her figurehead They filled his ass, + A whore in bed, With broken glass, +Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. + +The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, +And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, + Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, + Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, +And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. + +The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, +And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, + When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, + And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, +Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! +% According to experts, the oyster In its shell - a crustacean cloister - May frequently be @@ -1308,6 +1367,31 @@ For his dong was unspeakably long. Quaffed his yard and a half, And ecstatically burst into song. % +An AI researcher named Bluth +Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, + Eroticon VI, + Which he taught certain tricks +Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. +% +An ARPAnaut name of Corvette +Had a fetish involving the net. + As he fondled his IMP + His cock went from limp +To as hard as concrete which has set. +% +An Argentine gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. + Women are fine + And sheep are divine +But llamas are numero uno." +% +An Edwardian father named Udgeon, +Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, + Used on Saturday nights + To turn down the lights, +And chase them around with a bludgeon. + -- Edward Gorey +% An aesthete from South Carolina Had a cock that tickled like China, But while shooting his load @@ -1320,12 +1404,6 @@ Likes to jack off the young men she loves. If the fellows insist But she really prefers to wear gloves. % -An AI researcher named Bluth -Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, - Eroticon VI, - Which he taught certain tricks -Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. -% An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt @@ -1338,6 +1416,13 @@ Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot A monk and three tailors, Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. % +An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, +Saw sartorial changes ahead. + His mind kept on ringing + With fishy girls singing; +Soft fruit also filled him with dread. + -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" +% An anonymous woman we knew Was dozing one day in her pew; When the preacher yelled "Sin!" @@ -1356,18 +1441,6 @@ Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. To be wooed in the nude, But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. % -An Argentine gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. - Women are fine - And sheep are divine -But llamas are numero uno." -% -An ARPAnaut name of Corvette -Had a fetish involving the net. - As he fondled his IMP - His cock went from limp -To as hard as concrete which has set. -% An arrogant wench from Salt Lake Liked to tease all the boys on the make. She was finally the prize @@ -1392,13 +1465,6 @@ Once buggered a VAX Unibus. But not the young lad He didn't expect all that fuss! % -An Edwardian father named Udgeon, -Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, - Used on Saturday nights - To turn down the lights, -And chase them around with a bludgeon. - -- Edward Gorey -% An envious girl named McMeanus Was jealous of her lover's big penis. It was small consolation @@ -1523,6 +1589,12 @@ Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" And did on her back, What he couldn't have done face to face. % +And let me the canakin clink, clink; +and let me the canakin clink. + A soldier's a man; + O, man's life's but a span, +Why then, let a soldier drink. +% And then there's the story that's fraught With disaster -- of balls that got caught, When a chap took a crap @@ -1561,6 +1633,12 @@ Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, In the eastertide sun?" His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." % +At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, +Though of love we are never penurious. + Thanks to vulcanized aids, + Though we may die old maids, +At least we shall never die curious. +% At a contest for farting in Butte One lady's exertion was cute : It won the diploma @@ -1573,6 +1651,13 @@ Showed an absolute absence of etiquette Through the skirt of her dress And wiping the mess with her petticoat. % +At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers +Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; + It beats all night long + A dirge on a gong +As it staggers about in the creepers. + -- Edward Gorey +% At the end of all civilization Is the planet Terminus's location. There's a girl there whose feat, @@ -1585,19 +1670,6 @@ A sailor was fucking a whore. `Long and hard' ain't no joke; This means months 'til I get back ashore." % -At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers -Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; - It beats all night long - A dirge on a gong -As it staggers about in the creepers. - -- Edward Gorey -% -At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, -Though of love we are never penurious. - Thanks to vulcanized aids, - Though we may die old maids, -At least we shall never die curious. -% At whist drives and strawberry teas Fan would giggle and show off her knees; But when she was alone @@ -1618,6 +1690,48 @@ The grass served as mattress for madam, On the sex that today They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. % +Coitus upon a cadaver +Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. + Her inanimate state + Means a man needn't wait, +And eliminates all the palaver. +% +Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? +I know - you don't have to say that! + All you guys want of me + Is a poke where I pee, +And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" +% +Cum Hilde autem ambulabat +Homo qui aedificabat. + Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. + Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. +Sed virginem pine necebat. +% +Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches +Got on with her grooms and her wenches: + She went down on the gents, + And pronged the girl's vents +With a clitoris reaching six inches. +% +De Hispanice puella verumque +Simplex oris verborumque + Tulit potens vagina + Hominum agmina +Iterum iterum iterumque. +% +Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? +He was blown down the street by a rocket. + The force of the blast + Blew his balls up his ass, +And his pecker was found in his pocket. +% +DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell +Built a world-circling pussy cartel, + And by planned obsolescence, + So controlled detumescence, +A poor man could not get a smell. +% Each Friday his engines abort, But Scotty is never caught short. He fills his machines @@ -1631,11 +1745,47 @@ When he sits on the foot of my bed; But for the seventeen years he's been dead. -- Edward Gorey % -From deep in the crypt at St. Giles -Came a bellow that echoed for miles. - Said the rector, "My gracious, - Has Father Ignatius -Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" +Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, +Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. + Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, + Ich hore Mann kommen." +"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." +% +Ethnologists up with the Sioux +Wired home for two punts, one canoe. + The answer next day, + Said, "Girls on the way, +But what the hell's a `panoe'?" +% +Exuberant Sue from Anjou +Found that fucking affected her hue. + She presented to sight + Nipples pink, bottom white; +But her asshole was purple and blue. +% +Flappity, floppity, flip +The mouse on the Mobius strip; + The strip revolved, + The mouse dissolved +In a chronodimensional skip. +% +Fond of equestrians, Mabel +Looked for true love in the stable. + But she found the studs, + For her were all duds, +Now she's out with the leg of a table. +% +For the sores on his prick he used Dial. +That failed; he gave Lava a trial. + But the one remedy + For contagious V.D. +Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +% +For the sores on his prick he used Dial. +That failed; he gave Lava a trial. + But the one remedy + For contagious V.D. +Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. % From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, There is really abominable news; @@ -1644,6 +1794,12 @@ There is really abominable news; But nobody seems to know whose. -- Edward Gorey % +From deep in the crypt at St. Giles +Came a bellow that echoed for miles. + Said the rector, "My gracious, + Has Father Ignatius +Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" +% From the bathing machine came a din As of jollification within; It was heard far and wide, @@ -1651,4714 +1807,4150 @@ As of jollification within; Had a definite flavour of gin. -- Edward Gorey % -"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" -Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. - "Since dating Miss Baugh, - My whole tongue has been raw-- -It must have been something I ate." +Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. +It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. + It makes you sick, it makes you well, + It turns your spine to fucking jell, +It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. % -In the case of a lady named Frost, -Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, - It's the best part of valor - To bugger the gal, or -You're apt to fall in and get lost. +God's plan had a great beginning, +But man spoiled his chances by sinning + We trust that the story + Will end in God's glory +But at present the other side's winning. % -In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam, - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. +God's plan made a hopeful beginning +But man spoiled his chances by sinning. + We trust that the story + Will end in God's glory +But at present, the other side's winning. % -In the little French town of Le'Beau, -Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. - At a masquerade ball, - Clad in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker house roll. +Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, +Who came to Rumania's rescue? + It's a wonderful thing + To be under a king-- +Is democracy better, I esk you? % -It always delights me at Hank's -To walk up the old river banks. - One time in the grass - I stepped on an ass, -And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." +Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum +Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? + Some people say, + Love finds a way, +But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. % -It had snowed, and the man in the drift, -Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" - They sat in her Bentley, - She fondled him gently, -And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! +Have you heard of the lady named Cox +Who had a capacious old box? + When her lover was in place + She said, "Please turn your face. +I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." % -The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- -No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. - Where ten thousand virgins - Succumbed to his urgin's -There now stands the great State of Utah. +Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham +And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? + How they lift the frock + And tickle the cock +Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? % -The latest reports from Good Hope -State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, - And fuck high, wide, and free, - From the top of one tree -To the top of the next -- what a scope! +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" % -The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, -Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. - Once Congress in session, - Declared its suppression, -But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. +He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy +Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. + Then his gargantuan pole in + Her pink, tight, and swollen +Young cunt just about drove her crazy. % -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop +Her brother, a bastard named Ben, +Could rotate his pecker, and then + He would shoot through his rear + Which made him dear +Of the girls, and the envy of men. % -The old archeologist, Throstle, -Discovered a marvelous fossil. - He knew from its bend - And the knot on the end, -T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. +Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, +Had morals the city might soften. + So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, + Are you living in sin?" +Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." % -There a young man from the Coast -Who had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of orgasm - Said the pallid phantasm, -"I think I can feel it -- almost!" +His shy bride admitted to Crandall +That for years she'd worked off with a candle, + But a cock like his dick + Gave her ten times the kick, +Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! % -There once was a bishop from Birmingham -Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. - As they knelt on the hassock - He lifted his cassock -And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. +I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing +Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" + I replied, "Simple shagging + Without any wagging +Is only for screwing canoeing." % -There once was a boy named Carruthers -Who was busily fucking his mother - "I know it's a sin," - He said, shoving it in, -"But it's better than blowing my brother." +I met a young man in Chungking +Who had a very long thing -- + But you'll guess my surprise + When I found that its size +Just measured a third-finger ring! % -There once was a chick named Longet, -Who went out to Aspen to play. - Along came a Spyder, - Who sat down beside her -And she blew the poor bastard away. +I never had Miss Defauw, +But it wouldn't have been quite so raw + If she'd only said "No" + When I wanted her so; +But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" % -There once was a clergyman's daughter -Who detested the pony he bought her, - Till she found that its dong - Was as hard and as long -As the prayers her father had taught her. - -She married a fellow named Tony -Who soon found her fucking the pony. - Said he, "What's it got, - My dear, that I've not?" -Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used library paste, -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a couple named Kelly -Who walked around belly-to-belly. - It seems in their haste, - They used Carter's paste -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a dentist named Stone -Who saw all his patients alone. - In a fit of depravity - He filled the wrong cavity, -And my, how his practice has grown! -% -There once was a Duchess of Beever -Who slept with her golden retriever. - Said the potted old Duke : - "Such tricks make me puke! -Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." -% -There once was a Duchess of Bruges -Whose cunt was incredibly huge. - Said the king to this dame - As he thunderously came: -"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" -% -There once was a fairy named Avers -Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. - Though buggers all claimed - That their asses were maimed, -Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. -% -There once was a fellow named Bob -Who in sexual ways was a snob. - One day he was swimmin' - With twelve naked women -And deserted them all for a gob. -% -There once was a fellow named Brewster -Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, - "It used to be grand - But look at my hand -You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." -% -There once was a fellow named Howard, -Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, - While grabbing some ass, - He reached critical mass, -But think of the girl he deflowered! -% -There once was a fellow named Potts -Who was prone to having the trots - But his humble abode - Was without a commode -So his carpet was covered with spots. -% -There once was a fellow named Siegel -Who attempted to bugger a beagle, - But the mettlesome bitch - Turned and said with a twitch, -"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." -% -There once was a fellow named Sweeney -Who spilled gin all over his weenie. - Not being uncouth, - He added vermouth -And slipped his amour a martini. -% -There once was a fencer named Fisk, -Whose speed was incredibly brisk. - So fast was his action, - The Fitzgerald contraction, -Foreshortended his foil to a disk. -% -There once was a fiesty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a floozie named Annie -Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: - A buck for a fuck, - Fifty cents for a suck, -And a dime for a feel of her fanny. -% -There once was a freshman named Lin, -Whose tool was as thin as a pin, - A virgin named Joan - From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." -% -There once was a gangster named Brown -- the sneakiest bastard in town. - He was caught by G-men - Shooting his semen -Where the cops would slip and fall down. -% -There once was a gaucho named Bruno, -Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, - Sheep are just fine, - Chickens, divine, -But iguanas are Numero Uno." -% -There once was a gay young Parisian -Who screwed an appendix incision, - And the girl of his choice - Could hardly rejoice -At the horrible lack of precision. -% -There once was a girl from Cornell -Whose teats were shaped like a bell. - When you touched them they shrunk, - Except when she was drunk, -And then they got bigger than hell. -% -There once was a girl from Decatur, -Who got laid by a big alligator. - Now nobody knew - The result of that screw, -'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - (As you bastards think) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Spokane, -Went to bed with a one-legged man. - She said, "I know you-- - You've really got two! -Why didn't you say so when we began?" -% -There once was a girl named Irene -Who lived on distilled kerosene - But she started absorbin' - A new hydrocarbon -And since then has never benzene. -% -There once was a girl named Louise -Who cunt hair hung down to her knees - The crabs in her twat - Tied the hairs in a knot -And constructed a flying trapeze -% -There once was a girl named Mcgoffin -Who was diddled amazingly often. - She was rogered by scores - Who'd been turned down by whores, -And was finally screwed in her coffin. -% -There once was a girl named Priscilla -Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. - The taste was so fine - Man and beast stood in line -(Including a stud armadilla). -% -There once was a girl so lovely, -Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, - She strapped on her tanks, - And started her pranks, -But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. -% -There once was a golfer named Leer, -Who got put in the clink for a year, - For an action obscene, - On the very first green. -Where the sign said "Enter course here." -% -There once was a gouty old colonel -Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, - And he cried in his tiffin - For his prick wouldn't stiffen, -And the size of the thing was infernal. -% -There once was a guardsman from Buckingham -Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. - But when I meet boys, - God! how I enjoys -Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." -% -There once was a hacker named Ken -Who inherited truckloads of Yen. - So he built him some chicks, - Of silicon chips, -And hasn't been heard from since then. -% -There once was a handsome young seaman -Who with ladies was really a demon. - In peace or in war, - At sea or on shore, -He could certainly dish out the semen. -% -There once was a horny old bitch -With a motorized self-frigger which - She would use with delight - All day long and all night - -Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. -% -There once was a horse named Lily -Whose dingus was really a dilly. - It was vaginoid duply, - And labial quadruply -- -In fact, he was really a filly. -% -There once was a husky young Viking -Whose sexual prowess was striking. - Every time he got hot - He would scour the twat -Of some girl that might be to his liking. -% -There once was a jolly old bloke -Who picked up a girl for a poke. - He took down her pants, - Fucked her into a trance, -And then shit into her shoe for a joke. -% -There once was a kiddie named Carr -Caught a man on top of his mar. - As he saw him stick 'er, - He said with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than par." -% -There once was a lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There once was a lady from Kansas -Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. - It was nine inches deep - And the sides were quite steep -- -It had whiskers like General Carranza's. -% -There once was a lady named Carter, -Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. - She stripped off his pants, - At his prick quickly glanced, -And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" -% -There once was a lady named Clair, -Who posessed a magnificent pair. - Or that's what I thought, - Till I saw one get caught, -On a thorn and begin losing air. -% -There once was a lady named Myrtle -Who had an affair with a turtle. - She had crabs, so they say, - In a year and a day -Which proved that that turtle was fertile. -% -There once was a lawyer named Rex -With minuscule organs of sex. - Arraigned for exposure, - He maintained with composure, -"De minimis non curat lex." - - [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] -% -There once was a lifeguard named Lee -Who rescued a girl from the sea - She asked how to pay, - And he said "Try this way, -Go down for the third time on me." -% -There once was a maid from Mobile -Whose cunt was made of blue steel. - She only got thrills - From pneumatic drills -And an off-centered emery wheel. -% -There once was a man from Bombay -He would do it all night and all day - He soon became sore - You shoulda' heard him roar -When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! -% -There once was a man from Calcutta -Who used to beat off in the gutta - The heat of the sun - Affected his gun -And turned all his cream into butta! -% -There once was a man from Dunoon, -Who always ate soup with a fork. - He said "When I eat - Either fish, foul or flesh, -I otherwise finish too quick." -% -There once was a man from Exameter -Who had a prodigious diameter - But it wasn't the size - That brought forth the cries -'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a man from Madras, -Whose balls were made out of brass. - When they clanged together, - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There once was a man from Nantee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were most horrid - All ass and no forehead -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Who kept all his cash in a bucket. - His daughter, named Nan, - Ran away with a man, -And as for the bucket, Nantucket. - -The pair of them went to Manhasset, -(Nan and the man with the asset.) - Pa followed them there, - But they left in a tear, -And as for the asset, Manhasset. - -Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, -(Nan and the man with the bucket.) - Pa said to the man, - "You're welcome to Nan." -But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Whose dick was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" -% -There once was a man from Racine, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Both concave and convex, - It could please either sex, -But, oh, what a bastard to clean! -% -There once was a man from Sandem -Who was making his girl on a tandem. - At the peak of the make - She jammed on the brake -And scattered his semen at random. -% -There once was a man from Sydney -Who could put it up to her kidney. - But the man from Quebec - Put it up to her neck; -He had a big one, now didn't he? -% -There once was a man named Lodge, -who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -without ever leaving the garage. -% -There once was a man named McGruder, -Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. - But the girl thought it crude, - To be wooed in the nude, -So McGru took an oar and subduder. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. - Just to be couth, - He added vermouth, -And slipped his girlfriend a martini. -% -There once was a man named Parridge -With peculiar views on marriage. - He sucked off his brother, - Fucked his own mother, -And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. -% -There once was a man with a hernia -Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, - When you work on my middle - Be sure you don't fiddle -With things that do not concern ya." -% -There once was a member of Mensa -Who was a most excellent fencer. - The sword that he used - Was his -- (line is refused, -And has now been removed by the censor). -% -There once was a miner named Dave, -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - She was ugly as shit, - And missing one tit, -But think of the money he saves. -% -There once was a monk of Camyre -Who was seized with a carnal desire - And the primary cause - Was the abbess's drawers -Which were hung up to dry by the fire. -% -There once was a newspaper vendor, -A person of dubious gender. - He would charge one-and-two - For permission to view -His remarkable double pudenda. -% -There once was a plumber from Leigh -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. - Said she, "Please stop plumbing, - I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." -% -There once was a pretty young Mrs. -Whose tearful but short story thrs. - Her mind lost its grasp - - Now she thinks she's an asp -And just sits in the corner and hrs. -% -There once was a queen of Bulgaria -Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, - Till a prince from Peru - Who came up for a screw -Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. -% -There once was a reverend at Kings -Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. - But his heart was on fire - For a boy in the choir -Whose buns were like jelly on springs. -% -There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife -- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is they all do it well." -% -There once was a sailor named Gasted, -A swell guy, as long as he lasted, - He could jerk himself off - In a basket, aloft, -Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. -% -There once was a Scot named McAmeter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - It was not the size - That cause such surprise; -'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a son-of-a-bitch, -Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, - Yet the girls he would dazzle, - And fuck to a frazzle, -And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! -% -There once was a spaceman named Spock -Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. - A girl from Missouri - Whose name was Uhura -Just fainted away from the shock. -% -There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, -Discovered his sex life was hapless: - The more he would screw - The more he'd want to, -And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. -% -There once was a Usenetter named Mark, -Whose gender was kept in the dark. - He/she/it said with a nod, - "My ancestors were odd!" -Did Noah need two for the ark? -% -There once was a whore from Regina -Who had a stupendous vagina. - To save herself time, - She had six at a time, -And another one working behind her. -% -There once was a woman from Arden -Who sucked off a man in a garden. - He said, "My dear Flo, - Where does all that stuff go?" -And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" -% -There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield -Engaged to look after the deacon's field, - But he lurked in the ditches - And diddled the bitches -Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. -% -There once was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly, - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There once was a young girl from Natches -Who chanced to be born with two snatches - She often said, "Shit! - I'd give either tit -For a guy with equipment that matches." -% -There once was a young man from Boston -Who drove around town in an Austin, - There was room for his ass, - And a gallon of gas, -So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. -% -There once was a young man from France -Who waited ten years for his chance; -Then he muffed it... -% -There once was a young man from Yuma -Who attempted sex with a puma - He gave up real quick - Minus nose, toes, and prick -In obvious pain and ill huma. -% -There once was a young man from Yuma, -Who told an elephant joke to a puma. - Now his dry bleached bones lie, - Under hot Asian skies, -'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. -% -There once was a young man named Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse, and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -And now they're interred side by side. -% -There once was a young man named Gene, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Concave and convex, - It served either sex, -And it played with itself inbetween. -% -There once was a young man named Lancelot -Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot - For when he should pass - A desirable lass -The front of his pants would advance a lot. -% -There once was an Arpanet freak, -Who better response-time did seek. - He searched coast to coast, - For a reliable host, -Whose logger took less than a week. -% -There once was an old man from Esser, -Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. - It at last grew so small, - He knew nothing at all, -And now he's a College Professor. -% -There once were two brothers named Luntz -Who buggered each other at once. - When asked to account - For this intricate mount, -They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." -% -There once were two women from Birmingham. -And this is the story concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And fondled the cock -Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. -% -There was a bluestocking in Florence -Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, - Till a Spanish grandee, - Got her off with his knee, -And she burned all her works with abhorrence. -% -There was a family named Doe, -An ideal family to know. - As father screwed mother, - She said, "You're heavier than brother." -And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" -% -There was a fat lady of China -Who'd a really enormous vagina, - And when she was dead - They painted it red, -And used it for docking a liner. -% -There was a fat man from Rangoon -Whose prick was much like a ballon. - He tried hard to ride her - And when finally inside her -She thought she was pregnant too soon. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay dog from Ontario -Who fancied himself a Lothario. - At a wench's glance - He'd snatch off his pants -And make for her Mons Venerio. -% -There was a gay parson of Norton -Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. - To make up for this loss, - He had balls like a horse, -And never spent less than a quartern. -% -There was a gay parson of Tooting -Whose roe he was frequently shooting, - Till he married a lass - With a face like my arse, -And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. -% -There was a girl from Aberystwyth -Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's son Jack - Laid her flat on her back -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a lewd fellow named Duff -Who loved to dive deep in the muff. - With his head in a whirl - He said, "Spread it, Pearl; -I cunt get enough of the stuff!" +I once had the wife of a Dean +Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. + She remarked with some gaiety, + "Not bad for the laiety, +Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." % -There was a man from Mich. -Who used to wish and wich. - That spring would come - So he could bum -Around and go out fich. +I once met a lassie named Ruth +In a long distance telephone booth. + Now I know the perfection + Of an ideal connection +Even if somewhat uncouth. % -There was a pianist named Liszt -Who played with one hand while he pissed, - But as he grew older - His technique grew bolder, -And in concert jacked off with his fist. +I once was annoyed by a queer +Who made his intentions quite clear. + Said I, "I'm no prude, + So don't think me rude, +But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." % -There was a poor parson from Goring, -Who made a small hole in his flooring, - Fur-lined it all round, - Then laid on the ground, -And declared it was cheaper than whoring. +I wish that my room had a floor; +I don't so much care for a door, + But this walking around + Without touching the ground +Is getting to be quite a bore! + -- Gelett Burgess % -There was a strong man of Drumrig -Who one day did seven times frig. - He buggered three sailors, - Four dogs and two tailors, -And ended by fucking a pig. +I wish that my room had a floor; +I don't so much care for a door, + But this walking around + Without touching the ground +Is getting to be quite a bore! + -- Gelett Burgess % -There was a teenager named Donna -Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." - Two days out of three - She would shoot LSD, -And on weekends she smoked marijuana. +I wonder what my wife will want tonight; +Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? + I wonder can she tell + That I've been raising hell; +Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? + +My wife is just as nice as can be, +I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. + For an afternoon of joy, + Is hell on the old boy, +I wonder what the wife will want tonight! % -There was a young belle of old Natchez -Whose garments were always in patchez. - When comment arose - On the state of her clothes -She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." +I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, +I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. + She said it was crude + To be wooed in the nude-- +I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! % -There was a young blade from South Greece -Whose bush did so greatly increase - That before he could shack - He must hunt needle in stack. -'Twas as bad as being obese. +I would like to say, Mister Bunce, +I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. + And in all my lewd life + I've met none like your wife, +So why leave her to me, you big dunce? % -There was a young bride, a Canuck, -Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. - You say that I, maybe, - Can have my first baby-- -Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" +I'd rather have fingers than toes, +I'd rather have ears than a nose, + And a happy erection + Brought just to perfection +Makes me terribly sad when it goes. % -There was a young bride of Antigua -Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" - Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! - Why, you've only felt my twot, -My legs and my arse and my figua!" +If continence causes neurosis +And intercourse causes thrombosis + I'd rather expire + Fulfilling desire +Than live in a state of psychosis. % -There was a young chap in Arabia -Who courted a widow named Fabia. - "Yes, my tongue is as long - As the average man's dong," -He said, licking the lips of her labia. +If you're speaking of actions immoral +The how about giving the laurel + To doughty Queen Esther, + No three men could best her -- +One fore, and one aft, and one oral. % -There was a young cook with the art -Of making a delicious tart - With a handful of shit, - Some snot and some spit, -And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. +If your thesis is utterly vacuous, +Employ first-order predicate calculus. + With sufficient formality, + The sheerest banality, +Will be hailed by all as miraculous! % -There was a young curate whose brain -Was deranged from the use of cocaine; - He lured a small child - To a copse dark and wild, -Where he beat it to death with his cane. +Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse +D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; + Il la mene chaque soir + A son caveau noir +Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young damsel named Baker -Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. - He yelled, "My God! what - Do you call this -- a twat? -Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" -% -There was a young dolly named Molly -Who thought that to frig was a folly. - Said she, "Your pee-pee - Means nothing to me, -But I'll do it just to be jolly." -% -There was a young fellow called Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -So now they're interred side by side. -% -There was a young fellow from Cal., -In bed with a passionate gal. - He leapt from the bed, - To the toilet he sped; -Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" +Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, +Qui n'avait que peu de religion. + Il dit:"quant a' moi, + Je deteste tous les trois, +Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" % -There was a young fellow from Florida -Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. - When they got into bed - He cried, "God strike me dead! -This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" +Il y avait un plombier, Francois, +Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. + Dit-elle, "Arretez! + J'entends quelqu'un venait." +Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." % -There was a young fellow from Kent -Whose cock was so long that it bent - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. +Il y avait une madame de Lahore +Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, + Mais la vagine tres forte, + Toujours ouverte la porte, +Encore, et encore, et encore. % -There was a young fellow from Leeds -Who swallowed a package of seeds. - Great tufts of grass - Sprouted out of his ass -And his balls were all covered with weeds. +In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, +Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, + But this lubricant lapse + Isn't noticed, perhaps +Because nobody does in Duluth. % -There was a young fellow from Parma -Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. - Said the damsel demure, - "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, -But I must say you fuck like a farmer." +In my sweet little Alice Blue gown +Was the first time I ever laid down, + I was both proud and shy + As he opened his fly +And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. + +Oh it hung almost down to the ground, +As it went in I made not a sound, + The more that he shoved it + The more that I loved it, +As he came on my Alice Blue gown. % -There was a young fellow name Tucker -Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, - Said, "Don't bow out your lips - Like an elephant's hips, -The boys like it best when they pucker." +In my sweet little night gown of blue, +On the first night that I slept with you, + I was both shy and scared + As the bed was prepared, +And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. + +As we both watched the break of day, +And in peaceful submission I lay, + You said you adored it + But dammit, you tore it, +My sweet little night gown of blue. % -There was a young fellow named Ades -Whose favorite fruit was young maids. - But sheep, nigger boys, whores, - And the knot holes in doors -Were by no means exempt from his raids. +In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, +Complacently stroking his madam, + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth +There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. % -There was a young fellow named Babbitt -Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, - But a girl from Johore - Could do it twice more, -Which was just enough extra to crab it. +In the case of a lady named Frost, +Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, + It's the best part of valor + To bugger the gal, or +You're apt to fall in and get lost. % -There was a young fellow named Bill, -Who took an atomic pill, - His navel corroded, - His asshole exploded, -And they found his nuts in Brazil. +In the little French town of Le'Beau, +Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. + At a masquerade ball, + Clad in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker house roll. % -There was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. +It always delights me at Hank's +To walk up the old river banks. + One time in the grass + I stepped on an ass, +And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." % -There was a young fellow named Bliss -Whose sex life was strangely amiss, - For even with Venus - His recalcitrant penis -Would never do better than t - h - i - s - . +It had snowed, and the man in the drift, +Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" + They sat in her Bentley, + She fondled him gently, +And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! % -There was a young fellow named Bowen -Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. - It grew so tremendous, - So long and so pendulous, -'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. +It takes little strain and no art +To bang out an echoing fart. + The reaction is hearty + When you fart at a party, +But the sensitive persons depart. % -There was a young fellow named Brewer -Whose girl made her home in a sewer. - Thus he, the poor soul, - Could get into her hole, -And still not be able to screw her! +Love letters no longer they write us, +To their homes they so seldom invite us. + It grieves me to say, + They have learned with dismay, +We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. % -There was a young fellow named Case -Who entered a cunt-lapping race. - He licked his way clean - Through Number thirteen, -But then slipped and got pissed in the face. +Marlene wanted Joy to relent, +She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. + If you want to get laid, + Then we'll have to tribade!" +(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) % -There was a young fellow named Charteris -Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. - Said she, "I don't mind, - And higher up you'll find -The place where my fucker and farter is." +McCoy's a seducer galore, +And of virgins he has quite a score. + He tells them, "My dear, + You're the Final Frontier, +Where man never has gone before." % -There was a young fellow named Cribbs -Whose cock was so big it had ribs. - They were inches apart, - And to suck it took art, -While to fuck it took forty-two trips. +Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; +Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. + When he's under the weather + They can't get together, +So others get into her box. % -There was a young fellow named dick -Who had a magnificent prick. - It was shaped like a prism - And shot so much gism -It made every cocksucker sick. +My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! + -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint % -There was a young fellow named Feeney -Whose girl was a terrible meany. - The hatch of her snatch - Had a catch that would latch -- She could only be screwed by Houdini. +Oden the bardling averred +His muse was the bum of a bird, + And his Lesbian wife + Would finger his fife +While Fisherwood waited as third. % -There was a young fellow named Fletcher, -Was reputed an infamous lecher. - When he'd take on a whore - She'd need a rebore, -And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. +Of his face she thought not very much, +But then, at the very first touch, + Her attitude shifted -- + He was terribly gifted +At frigging and fucking and such. % -There was a young fellow named Fyfe -Whose marriage was ruined for life, - For he had an aversion - To every perversion, -And only liked fucking his wife. - -Well, one year the poor woman struck, -And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, - And said, "Where have you gotten us - With your goddamn monotonous -Fuck after fuck after fuck? - -"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- -And a versatile girl she was, too. - After ten years of whoredom - She perished of boredom -When she married a jackass like you!" +Oh pity the prince, Montezuma +He tried to make love to a puma. + Seems the puma, in play, + Tore his testes away - +- An example of animal huma. % -There was a young fellow named Gene -Who first picked his asshole quite clean. - He next picked his toes, - And lastly his nose, -And he never did wash in between. +Oh pity the prince, Montezuma +He tried to make love to a puma. + Seems the puma, in play, + Tore his testes away -- +An example of animal huma. % -There was a young fellow named Gluck -Who found himself shit out of luck. - Though he petted and wooed, - When he tried to get screwed -He found virgins just don't give a fuck. +Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! +Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, + The poor wench doth stammer, + "I need a sledgehammer +To pound a man into my vent." % -There was a young fellow named Goody -Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? - If he found himself nude - With a gal in the mood -The question's not woody but could he? +On a cannibal isle near Malaysia +Lives a lady they call Anastasia. + Not russian elite- + She's eager to eat +Whatever or whoever lays her. % -There was a young fellow named Grant -Who was made like the sensitive plant. - When they asked "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could, but I can't." +On a ship wrecked far out at sea, +The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." + "Aha!" said the mate, + "That settles the fate +Of the captain, the pilot, and me." % -There was a young fellow named Grimes -Who fucked his girl seventeen times - In the course of a week -- - And this isn't to speak -Of assorted venereal crimes. +On day a Monterey daughter +Did scuba down under the water. + She later turned up + The mom of a pup, +And they say t'was a otter that gotter. % -There was a young fellow named Harry, -Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. - He grabbed him a virgin, - Who, without any urgin', -Immediately spread like a fairy. +On the breasts of a harlot from Yale +Was tattooed the price of her tail + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +Was the same information in Braille. +% +On the porch of a dude named Horatio, +His girl got a yen for fellatio. + As she sucked on his dingus + He tried cunnilingus +But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. % -There was a young fellow named Hatch -Who was fond of the music of Bach. - He said: "It's not fussy - Like Brahms and Debussy; -Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." +Once a young gay from Khartoum, +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, and with which, and to whom. % -There was a young fellow named Kimble -Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, - But fragile and slender, - And dainty and tender, -So he kept it encased in a thimble. +Once was a hooker named Gail, +Busted and sent-off to jail, + She liked the jailer, + He wanted to nail her, +So Gail made bail with her tail. % -There was a young fellow named Meek -Who invented a lingual technique. - It drove women frantic, - And made them romantic, -And wore all the hair off his cheek. +One evening a guru had coitus +With an actress, a whore and a poetess. + When asked what position + He used for coition, +He answered serenely, "the loetus." % -There was a young fellow named Morgan -Who possessed an unusual organ: - The end of his dong, - Which was nine inches long, -Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. +One evening a guru had coitus +With an actress, a whore and a poetess. + When asked what position + He used for coition, +He answered serenely, "the lotus." % -There was a young fellow named Paul -Who confessed, "I have only one ball. - But the size of my prick - Is God's dirtiest trick, -For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" +One night a girl had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + His enormous red whang + Gave her a wonderful bang -- +She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. % -There was a young fellow named Pell -Who didn't like cunt very well. - He would finger or fuck one, - But never would suck one-- -He just couldn't get used to the smell. +One night a girl had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + Then she picked up his hat + And realized that +She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. % -There was a young fellow named Price -Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. - He had virgins and boys - And mechanical toys, -And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! +Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, +Has invented a new kind of car. + With a tank full of shit + There's no stopping it -- +For short trips, two poots take you far. % -There was a young fellow named Prynne -Whose prick was so short and so thin, - His wife found she needed - A Fuckoscope -- she did -- -To see if he'd gotten it in. +Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis +Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. + At her first sight of one + She started to run, +And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. % -There was a young fellow named Skinner -Who took a young lady to dinner - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -At twenty to ten it was in her. -The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. +Pour guerir un acces de fievre +Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; + Il le prit a son trou, + Et fit faire un ragout +Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: + Let V be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let P be a constant persuasion; -There was a young fellow named Tupper -Who took a young lady to supper. - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -And at twenty to ten it was up her. -Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! +"Let V over P be inverted +With the square root of Mu inserted + N times into V ... + The result, Q.E.D., +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % -There was a young fellow named Sweeney, -Whose girl was a terrible meanie, - The hatch of her snatch, - Had a catch that would latch, -She could only be screwed by Houdini. +Said Francesca, "My lack of volition +Is leading me straight to perdition; + But I haven't the strength + To go to the length +Of making an act of contrition." + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young fellow of Burma -Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. - But now that he's married he's - Been using cantharides -And the root of their love is much firmer. +Said President Jobcock one day : +"War's better than love, I should say. + Instead of a virgin, + It's murder I'm urgin'-- +You get lots more blood that-a-way." % -There was a young fellow of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - He had such a tool - It was wound on a spool, -And he reeled it out inich by inich. - -But this tale has an unhappy finich, -For due to the sand in the spinach - His ballocks grew rough - And wrecked his wife's muff, -And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. +Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, +"The men like to spread my two legs, + Then slip in between, + If you know what I mean, +And leave me the white of their eggs." % -There was a young fellow of Harrow -Whose john was the size of a marrow. - He said to his tart, - "How's this for a start? -My balls are outside in a barrow." +Said a decadent wench of Bombay : +"This has been a most wonderful day. + Three cherry tarts, + At least twenty farts, +Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." % -There was a young fellow of Kent -Whose prick was so long that it bent, - So to save himself trouble - He put it in double, -And instead of coming he went. +Said a girl who upon her divan +Was attacked by a virile young man: + "Such excess of passion + Is quite out of fashion" +And she fractured his wrist with her fan. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young fellow of Mayence -Who fucked his own arse in defiance - Not only of custom - And morals, dad-bust him, -But of most of the known laws of science. +Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : +"What care I for this shortage of gum? + My favorite chew + Is a condom or two, +With a goodly amount of fresh come." % -There was a young fellow of Perth -Whose balls were the finest on earth. - They grew to such size - That one won a prize, -And goodness knows what they were worth. +Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, +"My favorite sport is coitus." + But a fullback from State, + Made her period late, +And now she has athlete's fetus. % -There was a young fellow of Strensall -Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. - On the night of his wedding - It went through the bedding, -And shattered the chamber utensil. +Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, +When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, + "You must seize it, and squeeze it, + And tease it, and please it, +For Rome wasn't built in a day." % -There was a young fellow of Warwick -Who had reason for feeling euphoric, - For he could by election - Have triune erection: -Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. +Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; +Of all the girls that I've had, + None gave me the thrill + Of real rapture until +I learned how to be a tribade." % -There was a young fellow whose dong -Was prodigiously massive and long. - On each side of his whang - Two testes did hang -That attracted a curious throng. +Said a madam named Mamie La Farge +To a sailor just off of a barge, + "We have one girl that's dead, + With a hole in her head-- +Of course there's a slight extra charge." % -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. - A woman is fine, - And a sheep is divine, -But a llama is Numero Uno." +Said a modest young miss to de Sade, +I'm simply too shy and afraid + To take part in your pranks. + But to show you my thanks, +I'd just love to become your first aide. % -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "There is one thing I do know, - Women are fine - And children devine, -But the llama is numero uno." +Said a pornographistic young poet +"Although I perhaps do not show it, + My interest in sin + Is wearing quite thin, +And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." % -There was a young German named Ringer -Who was screwing an opera singer. - Said he with a grin, - "Well, I've sure got it in!" -Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with!" % -There was a young girl from Annista -Who dated a lecherous mister. - He fondled her titty, - Got one finger shitty, -Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. +Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : +"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." + Uhura said, "No, + At night that's not so-- +He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % -There was a young girl from Decatur -Who was raped by an alligator. - But no one quite knew - How she relished that screw, -For after he screwed her, he ate her. +Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : +"Only infidel dogs put it in. + Back home in Arabia + We nibble the labia +Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." % -There was a young girl from Dundee, -From her fanny there grew a plum tree. - No one ate the nice fruit, - To tell you the truth, -Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. +Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, +"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" + I replied with some wit, + "Do you belch when you shit?" +I think that was one up for me. % -There was a young girl from East Lynn -Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) - Had filled up her crack - With hard-setting shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. +Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, +In a cunt halfway up to his ears : + "This nautch is delicious, + And without doubt nutritious. +She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" % -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Who said, "You are utterly wrong - To say my vagina - Is the largest in China -Just because of your mean little dong." +Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, +"This must be our final adieu, + For the vicar is slicker, + And thicker, and quicker, +And two inches longer than you." % -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Whose cervical cap was a gong. - She said with a yell, - As a shot rang her bell, -"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +Saint Peter was once heard to boast +That he'd had all the heavenly host : + The Father and Son, + And then - just for fun - +The hole in the Holy Ghost. % -There was a young girl from Medina -Who could completely control her vagina. - She could twist it around - Like the cunts that are found -In Japan, Manchukuo and China. +Says an airlining wanton named Vi: +"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. + To a muffer's delight, + I'll take head on a flight, +So the guy can have pie in the sky." % -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. - -Till along came a man who presented -A tool that was strangely indented. - With a dizzying twirl - He punctured that girl, -And thus was the cork-screw invented. +She begged and she pleaded for more. +I said, "We've already had four, + And I'm sure that you've heard, + Though it's somewhat absurd, +That eros spelt backwards is sore." % -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her quim with a cork - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade, it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. +She made a thing of soft leather, +And topped off the end with a feather. + When she poked it inside her + She took off like a glider, +And gave up her lover forever. % -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who had nothing whatever to do. - So she sat on the stairs, - And counted cunt hairs, -Four thousand, three hundred and two. +She stood there and peeled off her clothes, +And begged for a bang : goodness knows + I am surely impure + And I sizzled to scrure, +But the push had gone out of my hose. % -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who noticed her lovers were few; - So she walked out her door - With a fig leaf, no more, -And now she's in bed - with the flu. +She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, +When the chain on her motorcycle broke, + Now she's lying in the grass, + With the muffler up her ass, +And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. % -There was a young girl from Samoa -Who pledged that no man would know her. - One young fellow tried, - But she wriggled aside, -And he spilled all his spermatozoa. +She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." +Not because, when she came in, he kr., + But she knew, just before + She opened the door, +This same Mr. had kr. sr. % -There was a young girl from Seattle, -Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. - But a bull from the South - Shot a wad in her mouth -That made both her ovaries rattle. +She wasn't what one could call pretty +And other girls offered her pity, + So nobody guessed + That her Wasserman test +Involved half the men in the city. % -There was a young girl from Siam -Who said to her boyfriend Priam, - "To seduce me, of course, - You'll have to use force, -And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. +Sighed a neat little package named Annie : +"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, + Plus the yen, but the men + Only call now and then-- +Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" % -There was a young girl from St. Cyr -Whose reflex reactions were queer. - Her escort said, "Mable, - Get up off the table; -That money's to pay for the beer." +So here was this fellow of Strensall +Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, + Anemic, 'tis true, + But an interesting screw, +Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. % -There was a young girl from St. Paul -Who went to a newspaper ball. - Her dress caught on fire - And burnt her entire -Front page and sport section and all. +Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, +She obliges all who accost her. + She welcomes the prick + Of Tom, Harry or Dick, +Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. % -There was a young girl from the Bronix -Who had a vagina of onyx. - She had so much `tsoris' - With her clitoris, -She traded it in for a Packard. +That Harvard don down at El Djim -- +Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, + With the whole harem randy, + The sheik himself handy, +To muss up a young camel's quim. % -There was a young girl from the coast -Who, just when she needed it most, - Lost her Kotex and bled - All over the bed, -And the head and the beard of her host. +That naughty old Sappho of Greece +Said: "What I prefer to a piece + Is to have my pudenda + Rubbed hard by the enda +The little pink nose of my niece." % -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who eked out a living through sin. - She didn't mind fucking, - But much preferred sucking, -And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. +The Dowager Duchess of Spout +Collapsed at the height of a rout; + She found strength to say + As they bore her away: +"I should never have taken the trout." + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. - Though he diddled his best, - And fucked her with zest, -She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" +The Enterprise crew when off work +Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. + Uhura the Zulu + Is shacked up with Sulu, +And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. % -There was a young girl in Dakota -Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: - "In addition to gas - We are rationing ass, -And you've greatly exceeded your quota." +The Enterprise girls, so one hears, +Have chased Spock for several years. + His look of disdain + Has spared them great pain, +For his prick is as sharp as his ears. % -There was a young girl name McKnight -Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. - She came to in bed, - With a split maidenhead-- -That's the last time she ever was tight. +The Grecians were famed for fine art, +And buildings and stonework so smart. + They distinguished with poise + The men from the boys, +And used crowbars to keep them apart. % -There was a young girl named Ann Heuser -Who swore that no man could surprise her. - But Pabst took a chance, - Found a Schlitz in her pants, -And now she is sadder Budweiser. +The King named Oedipus Rex +Who started this fuss about sex + Put the world to great pains + By the spots and the stains +Which he made on his mother's pubex. % -There was a young girl named Heather -Whose twitcher was made out of leather. - She made a queer noise, - Which attracted the boys, -By flapping the edges together. +The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard +To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, + And cried, "Oh, my dear, + I am coming, I fear, +But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." % -There was a young girl named McCall -Whose cunt was exceedingly small, - But the size of her anus - Was something quite heinous -- -It could hold seven pricks and one ball. +The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher +Called a girl a most elegant creature. + So she laid on her back + And, exposing her crack, +Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" +% +The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher +Called a hen a most elegant creature. + The hen, pleased with that, + Laid an egg in his hat -- +And thus did the hen reward Beecher. + -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % -There was a young girl named O'Clare -Whose body was covered with hair. - It was really quite fun - To probe with one's gun, -For her quimmy might be anywhere. +The Shah of the Empire of Persia +Lay for days in a sexual merger. + When the nautch asked the Shah, + "Won't you ever withdraw?" +He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." % -There was a young girl named O'Malley -Who wanted to dance in the ballet. - She got roars of applause - When she kicked off her drawers, -But her hair and her bush didn't tally. +The Sultan was peeved with his harem, +And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. + He caught a big mouse + Which he loosed in the house. +(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). % -There was a young girl named Sapphire -Who succumbed to her lover's desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +The acrobats - Tom and Louise- +Do an act in the nude on their knees. + They crawl down the aisle + While screwing dog-style, +As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." % -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who screwed every man that she kissed with. - She tickled the balls - Of the men in the halls, -And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. +The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, +Fell into the water baptismal; + Ere they'd gathered its plight, + It had sunk out of sight, +For the depth of the font was abysmal. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's sun, Jack, - Laid her flat on her back, -And united the organs they pissed with. +The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : +They have kept me awake for a week. + Why do newlyweds + Select squeaky beds +To develop their fucking technique? % -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. +The bishop of Alexandretta +Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. + So he thought he'd enshrine her + As the Holy Vagina +In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. % -There was a young girl of Asturias -With a penchant for practices curious. - She loved to bat rocks - With her gentlemen's cocks -- -A practice both rude and injurious. +The bustard's a remarkable fowl +With surely no reason to growl + He escapes what would be + Illegitimacy +By the grace of a fortunate vowel. % -There was a young girl of Batonger -who diddled herself with a conger, - When asked how it feels - To be pleasured by eels -She said, "Just like a man, only longer. +The cruelest of creatures' the crab +With claws that can pinch you or stab, + And then when you dine + On crab and white wine +It gets you as well with the tab. % -There was a young girl of Cah'lina, -Had a very capricious vagina: - To the shock of the fucker - "Twould suddenly pucker, -And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." +The fearless old bishop of Brest +Put his faith in the Lord to the test. + He fucked whores in the apse + With chancres and claps, +But first they were sprinkled and blessed. % -There was a young girl of Cape Cod -Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. - But it wasn't Jehovah - That turned the girl over, -'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, - the bugger, the bastard, the sod! +The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley +Came to light with its face in its belly; + Her second was born + With a hump and a horn, +And her third was as shapeless as jelly. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young girl of Cape Town -Who usually fucked with a clown. - He taught her the trick - Of sucking his prick, -And when it went up -- she went down. +The genital area of Ann +Will accommodate any size man, + From the wee that cause titters + To the mighty twat-splitters +That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. % -There was a young girl of Coxsaxie -Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. - She was fucked at the show - In the twenty-third row, -And once more going home in the taxi. +The kings of Peru were the Incas, +Who were known far and wide as great drincas. + They worshipped the sun + And had lots of fun, +But the peasants all thought they were stincas. % -There was a young girl of Darjeeling -Who could dance with such exquisite feeling - There was never a sound - For miles around -Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- +No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. + Where ten thousand virgins + Succumbed to his urgin's +There now stands the great State of Utah. % -There was a young girl of Des Moines -Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, - Till a guy from Hoboken - Went and dropped in a token, -And now she rides free on the ferry. +The latest reports from Good Hope +State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, + And fuck high, wide, and free, + From the top of one tree +To the top of the next -- what a scope! % -There was a young girl of Detroit -Who at fucking was very adroit: - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point, or finer, -Or open it out like a quoit. - -And she had a friend named Durand -Whose cock could contract or expand. - He could diddle a midge - Or the arch of a bridge -- -Their performance together was grand! +The limerick is furtive and mean; +You must keep her in close quarantine, + Or she sneaks to the slums + And promptly becomes +Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. + -- Morris Bishop % -There was a young girl of East Lynne -Whose mother, to save her from sin, - Had filled up her crack, - To the brim with shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. +The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, +Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. + Once Congress in session, + Declared its suppression, +But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. % -There was a young girl of Gibraltar -Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. - It really seems odd - That a virtuous God -Should answer her prayers and assault her. +The moyel who treated young Alec +Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. + Presented the child + His aim was so wild +He rendered the poor boy biphallic. % -There was a young girl of LLewellyn -Whose breasts were as big as a melon. - They were big it is true, - But her cunt was big too, -Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view -Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. +The new cinematic emporium +Is not just a super-sensorium, + But a highly effectual + Heterosexual +Mutual masturbatorium. % -There was a young girl of Mobile, -Who hymen was made of chilled steel, - To give her a thrill, - Took a rotary drill, -Or a number nine emery wheel. +The new local cinematorium +Is not only a super sensorium, + But a highly effectual + Heterosexual +Mutual masturbatorium. % -There was a young girl of Moline -Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. - She would work on a prick - With every known trick, -And finish by winking it clean. +The nipples of Sarah Sarong +When excited are twelve inches long + This embarrassed her lover + Who was pained to discover +She expected no less of his dong % -There was a young girl of Newcastle -Whose charms were declared universal. - While one man in front - Wired into her cunt, -Another was engaged at her arsehole. +The notorious Duchess of Peels +Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. + Said she, "Would you mind? -- + Shove one up my behind. +I am anxious to know how it feels." % -There was a young girl of Pawtucket -Whose box was as big as a bucket. - Her boy-friend said, "Toots, - I'll have to wear boots, -For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." +The office brown-noser named Bunky +Would claim he was nobody's flunky. + But when the chips were all down, + His proboscis was brown, +And there hung many strands which were gunky. % -There was a young girl of Penzance -Who boarded a bus in a trance. - The passengers fucked her, - Likewise the conductor, -While the driver shot off in his pants. +The old archeologist, Throstle, +Discovered a marvelous fossil. + He knew from its bend + And the knot on the end, +T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. % -There was a young girl of Pitlochry -Who was had by a man in a rockery. - She said, "Oh! You've come - All over my bum; -This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." +The once was a man from Bombay +Who modeled his cunts out of clay + So hot was his prick + That he turned them to brick +And rubbed all his foreskin away. % -There was a young girl of Rangoon -Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. - "Well, it has been great fun," - She remarked when he'd done, -"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." +The partition of Vavasour Scowles +Was a sickener: they came on his bowels + In a firkin; his brain + Was found clogging a drain, +And his toes were inside of some towels. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, -Whose people all thought her a virgin, - Till they found her in bed - With her twat very red, -And the head of a kid just emergin'. +The prick of the engineer, Scott, +Fell off from Saturnian rot. + He went to the basement + And made a replacement +Of tungsten and plastic and snot. % -There was a young girl, very sweet, -Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. - When she sat on their lap - She unbuttoned their flap, -And always had plenty to eat. +The randy old Bey of Algiers +Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, + Tried a cunt for a change, + And remarked : "It felt strange ... +Just think what I've missed all these years!" % -There was a young girl who begat -Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. - T'was fun in the breeding - But hell in the feeding -When she found there's no tit for Tat. +The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray +At breakfast with horrid dismay, + So he launched off the spoons + The pits from his prunes +At their heads as they neared the buffet. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young girl who begat -Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. - It was fun in the breeding, - But hell in the feeding, -When she found there was no tit for Tat. +The skater, Barbara Ann Scott +Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, + That when posed on her toes + She elaborately shows +Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. % -There was a young harlot from Kew -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They'll pay to get out of it too." +The spouse of a pretty young thing +Came home from the wars in the spring. + He was lame but he came + With his dame like a flame -- +A discharge is a wonderful thing. % -There was a young harlot named Schwartz -Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, - And they tickled so nice - She drew a high price -From the studs at the summer resorts. - -Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, -Was seldom hard up for a diddle, - For according to rumor - His tool had a tumor -And a fine row of warts down the middle. +The star of that X-rated hit +Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. + This serves as a palace + For each turgid phallus-- +Some say that the plot is pure shit. % -There was a young hayseed from Tiffan -Whose cock would constantly stiffen. - The knob out in front - Attracted foul cunt -Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. +The wife of young Richard of Limerick +Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, + Still grows in diameter + Each time that you ram at her; +How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" % -There was a young idler named Blood, -Made a fortune performing at stud, - With a fifteen-inch peter, - A double-beat metre, -And a load like the Biblical Flood. +The woman who lives on the moon +Is still cherishing the balloon + Of an earthling who'd come + And given her some, +But had dribbled away all too soon. % -There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway -Whose screams could be heard for a block away. - Perceiving his error, - The Rabbi in terror -Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" +The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter +Is not merely reading a meter. + By orders of Kirk + A part of his work +Is dosing the food with saltpeter. % -There was a young lad - name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan - Stop jerkin' your gherkin -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +The world is so full of a number of things, +I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. + I'll tell you a story-- + It won't take me long-- +Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. + +There was an old fellow and what do you think? +He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. + He whacked it, he hacked it, + He ate it with glee- +Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? + +This charming old chap had a sister as well : +She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. + Her cunt was so dirty + It stank like a beast, +And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. + +What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! +I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. + Their odor and diet + Won't soon be forgotten, +And one day you and I may be equally rotten. % -There was a young lad from Nahant -Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. - When asked, "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could but I can't." +There a young man from the Coast +Who had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of orgasm + Said the pallid phantasm, +"I think I can feel it -- almost!" % -There was a young lad from Siam, -Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. - He loved them real small, - 'Cause they're funner to ball, -So he went out and bought him a lamb! +There are some things we mustn't expose, +So we hide them away in our clothes. + Oh, it's shocking to stare + At what's certainly there-- +But why this is so, heaven knows. % -There was a young lad name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan! - Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +There is a young faggot named Mose +Who insists that you fuck his long nose. + And you'll double the joy + Of this lecherous boy +If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. % -There was a young lad name of Ward -Who strung himself up with a cord - Said he, of his work - (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) -"I am leaving because I am bored." - - E.A. Guest +There is a young lady named Aird, +Whose bottom is always kept bared. + When asked why she pouts, + She says "The Boy Scouts, +All beg me to please Be Prepared!" % -There was a young lad named McFee -Who was stung in the balls by a bee - He made oodles of money - By oozing pure honey -Every time he attempted to pee. +There once was a Duchess of Beever +Who slept with her golden retriever. + Said the potted old Duke : + "Such tricks make me puke! +Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." % -There was a young lady at sea -Who complained that it hurt her to pee. - Said the brawny old mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the cook and the captain and me." +There once was a Duchess of Bruges +Whose cunt was incredibly huge. + Said the king to this dame + As he thunderously came: +"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" % -There was a young lady at sea -Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." - "I see," said the mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the captain, the purser, and me." +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. % -There was a young lady called Ciss -Who went to the river to piss. - A young man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt; -No wonder she thought it was bliss. +There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, +Discovered his sex life was hapless: + The more he would screw + The more he'd want to, +And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. % -There was a young lady from Bangor -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor - She woke in dismay - When she heard the mate say: -"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" +There once was a Usenetter named Mark, +Whose gender was kept in the dark. + He/she/it said with a nod, + "My ancestors were odd!" +Did Noah need two for the ark? % -There was a young lady from Bright, -Whose speed was much faster than light. - She went out one day - In a relative way -And returned on the previous night. +There once was a bishop from Birmingham +Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. + As they knelt on the hassock + He lifted his cassock +And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. % -There was a young lady from Bristol -Who went to the Palace called Crystal. - Said she, "It's all glass, - And as round as my ass," -And she farted as loud as a pistol. +There once was a boy named Carruthers +Who was busily fucking his mother + "I know it's a sin," + He said, shoving it in, +"But it's better than blowing my brother." % -There was a young lady from Brussels -Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. - She could easily plex them - And so interflex them -As to whistle love songs through her bustles. +There once was a chick named Longet, +Who went out to Aspen to play. + Along came a Spyder, + Who sat down beside her +And she blew the poor bastard away. % -There was a young lady from Drew -Who ended her verse at line two. +There once was a clergyman's daughter +Who detested the pony he bought her, + Till she found that its dong + Was as hard and as long +As the prayers her father had taught her. + +She married a fellow named Tony +Who soon found her fucking the pony. + Said he, "What's it got, + My dear, that I've not?" +Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." % -There was a young lady from Dumfries -Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! - My navel's all bare, - So stick it in there, -Before both my legs and my bum freeze." +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used library paste, +Instead of petroleum jelly. % -There was a young lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +There once was a couple named Kelly +Who walked around belly-to-belly. + It seems in their haste, + They used Carter's paste +Instead of petroleum jelly. % -There was a young lady from Hyde -Who ate a green apple and died. - While her lover lamented - The apple fermented -And made cider inside her inside. +There once was a dentist named Stone +Who saw all his patients alone. + In a fit of depravity + He filled the wrong cavity, +And my, how his practice has grown! % -There was a young lady from Maine -Who claimed she had men on her brain. - But you knew from the view, - As her abdomen grew, -It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +There once was a fairy named Avers +Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. + Though buggers all claimed + That their asses were maimed, +Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. % -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. +There once was a fellow named Bob +Who in sexual ways was a snob. + One day he was swimmin' + With twelve naked women +And deserted them all for a gob. % -There was a young lady from Norway -Who hung by her heels in a doorway. - She told her young man, - "Get off the divan, -I think I've discovered one more way " +There once was a fellow named Brewster +Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, + "It used to be grand + But look at my hand +You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." % -There was a young lady from Prentice -Who had an affair with a dentist. - To make things easier - He used anesthesia, -And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. +There once was a fellow named Howard, +Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, + While grabbing some ass, + He reached critical mass, +But think of the girl he deflowered! % -There was a young lady from Rheims -Who amazingly pissed in four streams. - A friend poked around - And a fly-button found -Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. +There once was a fellow named Potts +Who was prone to having the trots + But his humble abode + Was without a commode +So his carpet was covered with spots. % -There was a young lady from Rio -Who slept with the Fornier trio. - As she dropped her panties - She said, "No andanties -I want this allegro con brio." +There once was a fellow named Siegel +Who attempted to bugger a beagle, + But the mettlesome bitch + Turned and said with a twitch, +"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." % -There was a young lady from Siam -Who said to her lover, one Kiam, - "You may kiss me of course, - But you'll have to use force. -Though god knows you're stronger than I am." +There once was a fellow named Sweeney +Who spilled gin all over his weenie. + Not being uncouth, + He added vermouth +And slipped his amour a martini. % -There was a young lady from Spain -Who demurely undressed on a train. - A helpful young porter - Helped more than he orter, -And she promptly cried "Help me again" +There once was a fencer named Fisk, +Whose speed was incredibly brisk. + So fast was his action, + The Fitzgerald contraction, +Foreshortended his foil to a disk. % -There was a young lady from Spain -Who got sick as she rode on a train; - Not once, but again, - And again, and again, -And again, and again, and again. +There once was a fiesty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. % -There was a young lady from Spain -Whose face was exceedingly plain, - But her cunt had a pucker - That made the men fuck her, -Again, and again, and again. +There once was a floozie named Annie +Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: + A buck for a fuck, + Fifty cents for a suck, +And a dime for a feel of her fanny. % -There was a young lady from Troy -Had a moustache, just like a young boy - Though it tickled to kiss - 'Twas a source of much bliss -When she used it to brush a man's toy. +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said "This won't be much of a sin." % -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +There once was a gangster named Brown +- the sneakiest bastard in town. + He was caught by G-men + Shooting his semen +Where the cops would slip and fall down. % -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who had a peculiar feeling. - She laid on her back - And tickled her crack -And pissed all over the ceiling. +There once was a gaucho named Bruno, +Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, + Sheep are just fine, + Chickens, divine, +But iguanas are Numero Uno." % -There was a young lady from Wooster -Who complained that too many men gooster. - So she traded her scanties - For sandpaper panties, -Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. +There once was a gay young Parisian +Who screwed an appendix incision, + And the girl of his choice + Could hardly rejoice +At the horrible lack of precision. % -There was a young lady in Reno, -Who lost all her dough playing Keno. - But she lay on her back, - And opened her crack, -So now she owns the Casino! +There once was a girl from Cornell +Whose teats were shaped like a bell. + When you touched them they shrunk, + Except when she was drunk, +And then they got bigger than hell. % -There was a young lady named Alice -Who was known to have peed in a chalice. - 'Twas the common belief - It was done for relief, -And not out of protestant malice. +There once was a girl from Decatur, +Who got laid by a big alligator. + Now nobody knew + The result of that screw, +'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. % -There was a young lady named Astor -Who never let any get past her. - She finally got plenty - By stopping twenty, -Which certainly ought to last her. +There once was a girl from Madras +Who had such a beautiful ass - + It was not round and pink + (As you bastards think) +But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. % -There was a young lady named Banker, -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, - She woke in dismay, - When she heard the mate say, -"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." +There once was a girl from Spokane, +Went to bed with a one-legged man. + She said, "I know you-- + You've really got two! +Why didn't you say so when we began?" % -There was a young lady named Blount -Who had a rectangular cunt. - She learned for diversion - Posterior perversion, -Since no one could fit here in front. +There once was a girl named Irene +Who lived on distilled kerosene + But she started absorbin' + A new hydrocarbon +And since then has never benzene. % -There was a young lady named Bower -Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. - But a poet from Perth - Laid her flat on the earth, -And proceeded with penis to plough her. +There once was a girl named Louise +Who cunt hair hung down to her knees + The crabs in her twat + Tied the hairs in a knot +And constructed a flying trapeze % -There was a young lady named Brent -With a cunt of enormous extent, - And so deep and so wide, - The acoustics inside -Were so good you could hear when you spent. +There once was a girl named Mcgoffin +Who was diddled amazingly often. + She was rogered by scores + Who'd been turned down by whores, +And was finally screwed in her coffin. % -There was a young lady named Bright -Who could travel much faster than light. - She took off one day, - In a relative way, -And returned on the previous night. +There once was a girl named Priscilla +Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. + The taste was so fine + Man and beast stood in line +(Including a stud armadilla). % -There was a young lady named Brook -Who never could learn how to cook. - But on a divan - She could please any man- -She knew every darn trick in the book! +There once was a girl so lovely, +Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, + She strapped on her tanks, + And started her pranks, +But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. % -There was a young lady named Cager -Who, as the result of a wager, - Consented to fart - The entire oboe part -Of Mozart's quartet in F major. +There once was a golfer named Leer, +Who got put in the clink for a year, + For an action obscene, + On the very first green. +Where the sign said "Enter course here." % -There was a young lady named Ciss -Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " - But she'll never restate, - For a wheel off her skate -.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM +There once was a gouty old colonel +Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, + And he cried in his tiffin + For his prick wouldn't stiffen, +And the size of the thing was infernal. % -There was a young lady named Clair -Who possessed a magnificent pair; - At least so I thought - Till I saw one get caught -On a thorn, and begin losing air. +There once was a guardsman from Buckingham +Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. + But when I meet boys, + God! how I enjoys +Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." % -There was a young lady named Dot -Whose cunt was so terribly hot - That ten bishops of Rome - And the Pope's private gnome -Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen. + So he built him some chicks, + Of silicon chips, +And hasn't been heard from since then. % -There was a young lady named Duff -With a lovely, luxuriant muff. - In his haste to get in her - One eager beginner -Lost both of his balls in the rough. +There once was a handsome young seaman +Who with ladies was really a demon. + In peace or in war, + At sea or on shore, +He could certainly dish out the semen. % -There was a young lady named Etta -Who was constantly seen in a swetta. - Three reasons she had: - To keep warm wasn't bad, -But the other two reasons were betta. +There once was a horny old bitch +With a motorized self-frigger which + She would use with delight + All day long and all night - +Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. % -There was a young lady named Fleager -Who was terribly, terribly eager - To be all the rage - On the tragedy stage, -Though her talents were pitifully meagre. - -- Edward Gorey +There once was a horse named Lily +Whose dingus was really a dilly. + It was vaginoid duply, + And labial quadruply -- +In fact, he was really a filly. % -There was a young lady named Flo -Whose lover had pulled out too slow. - So they tried it all night, - Till he got it just right... -Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. +There once was a husky young Viking +Whose sexual prowess was striking. + Every time he got hot + He would scour the twat +Of some girl that might be to his liking. % -There was a young lady named Flynn -Who thought fornication a sin, - But when she was tight - It seemed quite all right, -So everyone filled her with gin. +There once was a jolly old bloke +Who picked up a girl for a poke. + He took down her pants, + Fucked her into a trance, +And then shit into her shoe for a joke. % -There was a young lady named Gilda -Who went on a date with a builder. - He said that he would, - And he could and he should, -And he did and it damn well near killed her. +There once was a kiddie named Carr +Caught a man on top of his mar. + As he saw him stick 'er, + He said with a snicker, +"You do it much faster than par." % -There was a young lady named Gloria -Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. % -There was a young lady named Gloria, -Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" - She replied to the chap, - "I'll draw you a map, -Of where others have been to before ya." +There once was a lady from Kansas +Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. + It was nine inches deep + And the sides were quite steep -- +It had whiskers like General Carranza's. % -There was a young lady named Grace -Who would not take a prick in her "place." - Though she'd kiss it and suck it, - She never would fuck it-- -She just couldn't relax face-to-face. +There once was a lady named Carter, +Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. + She stripped off his pants, + At his prick quickly glanced, +And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" % -There was a young lady named Hall, -Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. - The dress caught on fire - And burned her entire -Front page, sporting section, and all. +There once was a lady named Clair, +Who posessed a magnificent pair. + Or that's what I thought, + Till I saw one get caught, +On a thorn and begin losing air. % -There was a young lady named Hatch -Who would always come through in a scratch. - If a guy wouldn't neck her, - She'd grab up his pecker -And shove the damn thing up her snatch. +There once was a lady named Myrtle +Who had an affair with a turtle. + She had crabs, so they say, + In a year and a day +Which proved that that turtle was fertile. % -There was a young lady named Mable -Who liked to sprawl out on the table, - Then cry to her man, - "Stuff in all you can -- -Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." +There once was a lawyer named Rex +With minuscule organs of sex. + Arraigned for exposure, + He maintained with composure, +"De minimis non curat lex." + + [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] % -There was a young lady named Mandel -Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal - By coming out bare - On the main village square -And frigging herself with a candle. +There once was a lifeguard named Lee +Who rescued a girl from the sea + She asked how to pay, + And he said "Try this way, +Go down for the third time on me." % -There was a young lady named Maud, -A terrible society fraud: - In company, I'm told, - She was distant and cold, -But if you got her alone, Oh God! +There once was a maid from Mobile +Whose cunt was made of blue steel. + She only got thrills + From pneumatic drills +And an off-centered emery wheel. % -There was a young lady named May -Who strolled in a park by the way, - And she met a youg man - Who fucked her and ran -- -Now she goes to the park every day. +There once was a man from Bombay +He would do it all night and all day + He soon became sore + You shoulda' heard him roar +When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! % -There was a young lady named Nance -Who learned about fucking in France, - And when you'd insert it - She'd squeeze till she hurt it, -And shoved it right back in your pants. +There once was a man from Calcutta +Who used to beat off in the gutta + The heat of the sun + Affected his gun +And turned all his cream into butta! % -There was a young lady named Nelly -Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. - They could tickle her twat - Or be tied in a knot, -And could even swat flies on her belly. +There once was a man from Dunoon, +Who always ate soup with a fork. + He said "When I eat + Either fish, foul or flesh, +I otherwise finish too quick." % -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was raped three times in a hansom - When she cried out for more - Said a voice from the floor, -"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson +There once was a man from Exameter +Who had a prodigious diameter + But it wasn't the size + That brought forth the cries +'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. % -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was rogered three times in a hansom. - When she cried out for more - A voice from the floor -Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." +There once was a man from Madras, +Whose balls were made out of brass. + When they clanged together, + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. % -There was a young lady named Riddle -Who had an untouchable middle. - She had many friends - Because of her ends, -Since it isn't the middle you diddle. +There once was a man from Nantee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were most horrid + All ass and no forehead +Three balls and a purple goatee. % -There was a young lady named Rose -Who fainted whenever she chose; - She did so one day - While playing croquet, -But was quickly revived with a hose. - -- Edward Gorey +There once was a man from Nantucket +Who kept all his cash in a bucket. + His daughter, named Nan, + Ran away with a man, +And as for the bucket, Nantucket. + +The pair of them went to Manhasset, +(Nan and the man with the asset.) + Pa followed them there, + But they left in a tear, +And as for the asset, Manhasset. + +Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, +(Nan and the man with the bucket.) + Pa said to the man, + "You're welcome to Nan." +But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. % -There was a young lady named Rose -With erogenous zones in her toes. - She remained onanistic - Till a foot-fetishistic -Young man became one of her beaux. +There once was a man from Nantucket +Whose dick was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" % -There was a young lady named Schneider -Who often kept trysts with a spider. - She found a strange bliss, - In the hiss of her piss, -As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. +There once was a man from Racine, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Both concave and convex, + It could please either sex, +But, oh, what a bastard to clean! % -There was a young lady named Smith -Whose virtue was largely a myth. - She said, "Try as I can - I can't find a man -Who it's fun to be virtuous with." +There once was a man from Sandem +Who was making his girl on a tandem. + At the peak of the make + She jammed on the brake +And scattered his semen at random. % -There was a young lady named Twiss -Who said she thought fucking a bliss, - For it tickled her bum - And caused her to come -.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +There once was a man from Sydney +Who could put it up to her kidney. + But the man from Quebec + Put it up to her neck; +He had a big one, now didn't he? % -There was a young lady named Wylde -Who kept herself quite undefiled - By thinking of Jesus; - Contagious diseases; -And the bother of having a child. +There once was a man named Lodge, +who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +without ever leaving the garage. % -There was a young lady of Arden, -The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. - Said she with a frown, - "I've been sadly let down -By the tool of a fool in a garden." +There once was a man named McGruder, +Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. + But the girl thought it crude, + To be wooed in the nude, +So McGru took an oar and subduder. % -There was a young lady of Bicester -Who was nicer by far than her sister: - The sister would giggle - And wiggle and jiggle, -But this one would come if you kissed her. +There once was a man named McSweeny +Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. + Just to be couth, + He added vermouth, +And slipped his girlfriend a martini. % -There was a young lady of Brabant -Who slept with an impotent savant. - She admitted, "We shouldn't, - But it turned out he couldn't- -So you can't say we have when we haven't." +There once was a man named Parridge +With peculiar views on marriage. + He sucked off his brother, + Fucked his own mother, +And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. % -There was a young lady of Bude -Who walked down the street in the nude. - A bobby said, "Whattum - Magnificent bottom!" -And slapped it as hard as he could. +There once was a man with a hernia +Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, + When you work on my middle + Be sure you don't fiddle +With things that do not concern ya." % -There was a young lady of Carmia -Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. - At every cold snap - She would climb in your lab, -So her little base burner could warm ya. +There once was a member of Mensa +Who was a most excellent fencer. + The sword that he used + Was his -- (line is refused, +And has now been removed by the censor). % -There was a young lady of Dee -Who went down to the river to pee. - A man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt, -And God! how I wish it were me. +There once was a miner named Dave, +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + She was ugly as shit, + And missing one tit, +But think of the money he saves. % -There was a young lady of Dee -Whose hymen was split into three. - And when she was diddled - The middle string fiddled : -"Nearer My God To Thee." +There once was a monk of Camyre +Who was seized with a carnal desire + And the primary cause + Was the abbess's drawers +Which were hung up to dry by the fire. % -There was a young lady of Dexter -Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, - For whenever they'd start - He'd unfailingly fart -With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. +There once was a newspaper vendor, +A person of dubious gender. + He would charge one-and-two + For permission to view +His remarkable double pudenda. % -There was a young lady of Dover -Whose passion was such that it drove her - To cry, when you came, - "Oh dear! What a shame! -Well, now we shall have to start over." +There once was a plumber from Leigh +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." % -There was a young lady of Ealing -And her lover before her was kneeling. - Said she, "Dearest Jim, - Take your hands off my quim; -I much prefer fucking to feeling." +There once was a pretty young Mrs. +Whose tearful but short story thrs. + Her mind lost its grasp - + Now she thinks she's an asp +And just sits in the corner and hrs. % -There was a young lady of fashion -Who had oodles and oodles of passion. - To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, -"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. % -There was a young lady of Fez -Who was known to the public as "Jez." - Jezebel was her name, - Sucking cocks was the game -She excelled at (so everyone says). +There once was a reverend at Kings +Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. + But his heart was on fire + For a boy in the choir +Whose buns were like jelly on springs. % -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. +There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife -- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is they all do it well." % -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump-- -This passing parade did amaze her. +There once was a sailor named Gasted, +A swell guy, as long as he lasted, + He could jerk himself off + In a basket, aloft, +Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. % -There was a young lady of Gloucester, -Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. - She wasn't much hurt, - But he dirtied her skirt, -So think of the anguish it cost her. +There once was a son-of-a-bitch, +Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, + Yet the girls he would dazzle, + And fuck to a frazzle, +And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! % -There was a young lady of Gloucester -Whose friends they thought they had lost her - Till they found on the grass - The marks of her arse, -And the knees of the man who had crossed her. +There once was a spaceman named Spock +Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. + A girl from Missouri + Whose name was Uhura +Just fainted away from the shock. % -There was a young lady of Kent, -Who admitted she knew what it meant - When men asked her to dine, - And plied her with wine, -She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! +There once was a whore from Regina +Who had a stupendous vagina. + To save herself time, + She had six at a time, +And another one working behind her. % -There was a young lady of Lee -Who scrambled up into a tree, - When she got there - Her arsehole was bare, -And so was her C U N T. +There once was a woman from Arden +Who sucked off a man in a garden. + He said, "My dear Flo, + Where does all that stuff go?" +And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" +% +There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield +Engaged to look after the deacon's field, + But he lurked in the ditches + And diddled the bitches +Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. % -There was a young lady of Lincoln -Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, - So she had a prick lent her - Which turned it magenta, -This artful old lady of Lincoln. +There once was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly, + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. % -There was a young lady of Natchez -Who chanced to be born with two snatches, - And she often said, "Shit! - Why, I'd give either tit -For a man with equipment that matches." - -There was a young fellow named Locke -Who was born with a two-headed cock. - When he'd fondle the thing - It would rise up and sing -An antiphonal chorus by Bach. - -But whether these two ever met -Has not been recorded as yet, - Still, it would be diverting - To see him inserting -His whang while it sang a duet. +There once was a young girl from Natches +Who chanced to be born with two snatches + She often said, "Shit! + I'd give either tit +For a guy with equipment that matches." % -There was a young lady of Norway -Who hung by her toes in a doorway. - She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe -I think I've discovered one more way." +There once was a young man from Boston +Who drove around town in an Austin, + There was room for his ass, + And a gallon of gas, +So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. % -There was a young lady of Rhyll -In an omnibus was taken ill, - So she called the conductor, - Who got in and fucked her, -Which did more good than a pill. +There once was a young man from France +Who waited ten years for his chance; +Then he muffed it... % -There was a young lady of Spain -Who took down her pants on a train. - There was a young porter - Saw more than he orter, -And asked her to do it again. +There once was a young man from Yuma +Who attempted sex with a puma + He gave up real quick + Minus nose, toes, and prick +In obvious pain and ill huma. % -There was a young lady of Spain -Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. - They did it again - And again and again, -And again and again and again. +There once was a young man from Yuma, +Who told an elephant joke to a puma. + Now his dry bleached bones lie, + Under hot Asian skies, +'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. % -There was a young lady of Twickenham -Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. - On her knees every day - To God she would pray -To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. +There once was a young man named Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse, and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +And now they're interred side by side. % -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Said to her beau, "I've a feeling - My little brown jug - Has need of a plug" -- -And straightaway she started to peeling. +There once was a young man named Gene, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Concave and convex, + It served either sex, +And it played with itself inbetween. % -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Who professed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris, -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +There once was a young man named Lancelot +Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot + For when he should pass + A desirable lass +The front of his pants would advance a lot. % -There was a young lady who said, -As her bridegroom got into the bed, - "I'm tired of this stunt, - That they do with one's cunt, -You can get up my bottom instead." +There once was an Arpanet freak, +Who better response-time did seek. + He searched coast to coast, + For a reliable host, +Whose logger took less than a week. % -There was a young lady whose cunt -Could accommodate a small punt. - Her mother said, "Annie, - It matches your fanny, -Which never was that of a runt." +There once was an old man from Esser, +Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. + It at last grew so small, + He knew nothing at all, +And now he's a College Professor. % -There was a young lady whose thighs, -When spread showed a slit of such size, - And so deep and so wide, - You could play cards inside, -Much to her bridegroom's surprise. +There once were two brothers named Luntz +Who buggered each other at once. + When asked to account + For this intricate mount, +They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." % -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. +There once were two women from Birmingham. +And this is the story concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And fondled the cock +Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. % -There was a young laundress named Wrangle -Whose tits tilted up at an angle. - "They may tickle my chin," - She said with a grin, -"But at least they keep out of the mangle." +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. % -There was a young maiden from Osset -Whose quim was nine inches across it. - Said a young man named Tong, - With tool nine inches long, -"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." +There was a family named Doe, +An ideal family to know. + As father screwed mother, + She said, "You're heavier than brother." +And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" % -There was a young man from Bear Ridge -Who had strange ideas about marriage. - He fucked his wife's mother - And sucked off her brother -And ate up her sister's miscarriage. +There was a fat lady of China +Who'd a really enormous vagina, + And when she was dead + They painted it red, +And used it for docking a liner. % -There was a young man from Bel-Aire -Who was screwing his girl on the stair. - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. +There was a fat man from Rangoon +Whose prick was much like a ballon. + He tried hard to ride her + And when finally inside her +She thought she was pregnant too soon. % -There was a young man from Bengal -Who claimed he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Pulled down this man's breeches -And proved he had nothing at all. +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. % -There was a young man from Biloxi -Whose bowels responded to Moxie. - Drinking glass after glass, - He would tune up his ass, -Till he played like the band at the Roxy. +There was a gay dog from Ontario +Who fancied himself a Lothario. + At a wench's glance + He'd snatch off his pants +And make for her Mons Venerio. % -A potter who lived in Bombay -Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; - But the heat of his prick - Kilned the damn thing to brick -And chafed all his foreskin away. +There was a gay parson of Norton +Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. + To make up for this loss, + He had balls like a horse, +And never spent less than a quartern. % -There was a young man from Boston -Who rode around in an Austin. - There was room for his ass - And a gallon of gas, -But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. +There was a gay parson of Tooting +Whose roe he was frequently shooting, + Till he married a lass + With a face like my arse, +And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. % -There was a young man from Calcutta -Who was heard in his beard to mutter, - "If her Bartholin glands - Don't respond to my hands, -I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." +There was a girl from Aberystwyth +Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's son Jack + Laid her flat on her back +And united the organs they pissed with. % -There was a young man from Dallas -Who had an exceptional phallus. - He couldn't find room - In any girl's womb -Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. +There was a lewd fellow named Duff +Who loved to dive deep in the muff. + With his head in a whirl + He said, "Spread it, Pearl; +I cunt get enough of the stuff!" % -There was a young man from Dundee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were quite horrid: - All ass and no forehead, -Three balls and a purple goatee. +There was a man from Mich. +Who used to wish and wich. + That spring would come + So he could bum +Around and go out fich. +% +There was a pianist named Liszt +Who played with one hand while he pissed, + But as he grew older + His technique grew bolder, +And in concert jacked off with his fist. % -There was a young man from East Lizes -Whose balls were of two different sizes - One was so small - It was no ball at all -The other was large and won prizes. +There was a poor parson from Goring, +Who made a small hole in his flooring, + Fur-lined it all round, + Then laid on the ground, +And declared it was cheaper than whoring. % -There was a young man from East Wubley -Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. - Each quadruplicate shaft - Had two balls hanging aft, -And the general effect was quite lovely. - -There was a young man from Hong Kong -Who had a trifurcated prong: - A small one for sucking, - A large one for fucking, -And a `boney' for beating a gong. +There was a strong man of Drumrig +Who one day did seven times frig. + He buggered three sailors, + Four dogs and two tailors, +And ended by fucking a pig. % -There was a young man from Glengozzle -Who found a remarkable fossil. - He knew by the bend - And the wart on the end, -'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. +There was a teenager named Donna +Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." + Two days out of three + She would shoot LSD, +And on weekends she smoked marijuana. % -There was a young man from Jodhpur -Who found he could easily cure - His dread diabetes - By eating a foetus -Served up in a sauce of manure. +There was a young German named Ringer +Who was screwing an opera singer. + Said he with a grin, + "Well, I've sure got it in!" +Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" % -There was a young man from Kent -Whose tool was so long that it bent. - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. +There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway +Whose screams could be heard for a block away. + Perceiving his error, + The Rabbi in terror +Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" % -There was a young man from Lynn -Whose cock was the size of a pin. - Said his girl with a laugh - As she felt his staff, -"This won't be much of a sin." +There was a young Scot in Madrid +Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. + When they said, "Are you faint?" + He replied, "No, I ain't, +But I don't feel as good as I did." % -There was a young man from Maine -Whose prick was as strong as a crane; - It was almost as long, - So he strolled with his dong -Extended in sunshine and rain. +There was a young belle of old Natchez +Whose garments were always in patchez. + When comment arose + On the state of her clothes +She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." % -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - But he looked in the glass, - And saw his own ass, -And broke his neck trying to fuck it. +There was a young blade from South Greece +Whose bush did so greatly increase + That before he could shack + He must hunt needle in stack. +'Twas as bad as being obese. % -There was a young man from New Haven -Who had an affair with a raven. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"Nevermore!" +There was a young bride of Antigua +Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" + Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! + Why, you've only felt my twot, +My legs and my arse and my figua!" % -There was a young man from Peru, -Who took a long trip by canoe. - While staring at Venus, - And rubbing his penis, -He wound up with a handful of goo. +There was a young bride, a Canuck, +Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. + You say that I, maybe, + Can have my first baby-- +Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" % -There was a young man from Purdue -Who was only just learning to screw, - But he hadn't the knack, - And he got too far back -- -In the right church, but in the wrong pew. +There was a young chap in Arabia +Who courted a widow named Fabia. + "Yes, my tongue is as long + As the average man's dong," +He said, licking the lips of her labia. % -There was a young man from Racine -Who invented a fucking machine. - Concave or convex, - It served either sex, -But oh what a bitch to keep clean. +There was a young cook with the art +Of making a delicious tart + With a handful of shit, + Some snot and some spit, +And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. % -There was a young man from Rangoon -Who used to lament 'neath the moon - That he had the luck - To be born of a fuck -That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. +There was a young curate whose brain +Was deranged from the use of cocaine; + He lured a small child + To a copse dark and wild, +Where he beat it to death with his cane. + -- Edward Gorey % -There was a young man from Salinas -Who had an extremely long penis: - Believe it or not, - When he lay on his cot -It reached from Marin to Martinez. +There was a young damsel named Baker +Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. + He yelled, "My God! what + Do you call this -- a twat? +Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" % -There was a young man from Seattle -Whose testicles tended to rattle. - He said as he fuck-ed - Some stones in a bucket, -"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." +There was a young dolly named Molly +Who thought that to frig was a folly. + Said she, "Your pee-pee + Means nothing to me, +But I'll do it just to be jolly." % -There was a young man from Siam -Who said, "I go in with a wham, - But I soon lose my starch - Like the mad month of March, -And the lion comes out like a lamb." +There was a young fellow called Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +So now they're interred side by side. % -There was a young man from St. Paul's -Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" - Till he grew such a passion - For feminine fashion -That he knitted a snood for his balls. +There was a young fellow from Cal., +In bed with a passionate gal. + He leapt from the bed, + To the toilet he sped; +Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" % -There was a young man from Stamboul -Who boasted so torrid a tool - That each female crater - Explored by this satyr -Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. +There was a young fellow from Florida +Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. + When they got into bed + He cried, "God strike me dead! +This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" % -There was a young man from Tibet- -And this is the strangest one yet- - Whose tool was so long, - So pointed and strong, -He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". +There was a young fellow from Kent +Whose cock was so long that it bent + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. % -There was a young man in Havana, -Banged his girl on a player-piana. - At the height of their fever - Her ass hit the lever -And: yes, he has no banana. +There was a young fellow from Leeds +Who swallowed a package of seeds. + Great tufts of grass + Sprouted out of his ass +And his balls were all covered with weeds. % -There was a young man in Norway, -Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, - But the air was so frigid - It froze his cock rigid, -And all he could come was frappe. +There was a young fellow from Parma +Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. + Said the damsel demure, + "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, +But I must say you fuck like a farmer." % -There was a young man in the choir -Whose penis rose higher and higher, - Till it reached such a height - It was quite out of sight -- -But of course you know I'm a liar. +There was a young fellow name Tucker +Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, + Said, "Don't bow out your lips + Like an elephant's hips, +The boys like it best when they pucker." % -There was a young man, name of Fred, -Who spent every Thursday in bed; - He lay with his feet - Outside of the sheet, -And the pillows on top of his head. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young fellow named Ades +Whose favorite fruit was young maids. + But sheep, nigger boys, whores, + And the knot holes in doors +Were by no means exempt from his raids. % -There was a young man, name of Saul, -Who was able to bounce either ball, - He could stretch them and snap them, - And juggle and clap them, -Which earned him the plaudits of all. +There was a young fellow named Babbitt +Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, + But a girl from Johore + Could do it twice more, +Which was just enough extra to crab it. % -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - Yeah, she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. +There was a young fellow named Bill, +Who took an atomic pill, + His navel corroded, + His asshole exploded, +And they found his nuts in Brazil. % -There was a young man named Hughes -Who swore off all kinds of booze. - He said, "When I'm muddled - My senses get fuddled, -And I pass up too many screws." +There was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. % -There was a young man named Knute -Who had warts all over his root. - He put acid on these - And now when he pees, -He fingers the thing like a flute. +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . % -There was a young man named Laplace -Whose balls were made out of spun glass. - When they banged together - They played "Stormy Weather" -And lightning shot out of his ass. +There was a young fellow named Bowen +Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. + It grew so tremendous, + So long and so pendulous, +'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. % -There was a young man named McNamiter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - But it wasn't the size - Gave the girls a surprise, -But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. +There was a young fellow named Brewer +Whose girl made her home in a sewer. + Thus he, the poor soul, + Could get into her hole, +And still not be able to screw her! % -There was a young man named Rex -Who really was small for his sex. - When tried for exposure - The judge's disclosure -Was "de minimus non curat lex." +There was a young fellow named Case +Who entered a cunt-lapping race. + He licked his way clean + Through Number thirteen, +But then slipped and got pissed in the face. % -There was a young man named Zerubbabel -Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. - When they asked if his pleasure - Was only half measure, -He replied, "That is highly improbable." +There was a young fellow named Charteris +Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. + Said she, "I don't mind, + And higher up you'll find +The place where my fucker and farter is." % -There was a young man named Zerubbabub -Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club - But the pride of his life - Were the tits of his wife -- -One real, and one India-rubber bub. +There was a young fellow named Cribbs +Whose cock was so big it had ribs. + They were inches apart, + And to suck it took art, +While to fuck it took forty-two trips. % -There was a young man of Arras -Who stretched himself out on the grass, - And with no little trouble, - He bent himself double, -And stuck his prick well up his ass. +There was a young fellow named Feeney +Whose girl was a terrible meany. + The hatch of her snatch + Had a catch that would latch +- She could only be screwed by Houdini. % -There was a young man of Australia -Who went on a wild bacchanalia. - He buggered a frog, - Two mice and a dog, -And a bishop in fullest regalia. +There was a young fellow named Fletcher, +Was reputed an infamous lecher. + When he'd take on a whore + She'd need a rebore, +And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. % -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. - I will suck, without charge, - Any cock, if it's large. -If it's small, I expect to be paid." +There was a young fellow named Fyfe +Whose marriage was ruined for life, + For he had an aversion + To every perversion, +And only liked fucking his wife. + +Well, one year the poor woman struck, +And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, + And said, "Where have you gotten us + With your goddamn monotonous +Fuck after fuck after fuck? + +"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- +And a versatile girl she was, too. + After ten years of whoredom + She perished of boredom +When she married a jackass like you!" % -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who slept with a girl in the trade. - She said to him, "Jack, - Try the hole in the back; -The front one is badly decayed." +There was a young fellow named Gene +Who first picked his asshole quite clean. + He next picked his toes, + And lastly his nose, +And he never did wash in between. % -There was a young man of Bengal -Who swore he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Unbuttoned his britches, -And found he had no balls at all. +There was a young fellow named Gluck +Who found himself shit out of luck. + Though he petted and wooed, + When he tried to get screwed +He found virgins just don't give a fuck. % -There was a young man of Bombay -Who buggered his dad once a day. - He said, "I like, rather, - Fucking my father -- -He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." +There was a young fellow named Goody +Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? + If he found himself nude + With a gal in the mood +The question's not woody but could he? % -There was a young man of Calcutta, -Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. - When he got to c-u, - A pious Hindoo -Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. +There was a young fellow named Grant +Who was made like the sensitive plant. + When they asked "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could, but I can't." % -There was a young man of Cape Horn -Who wished he had never been born, - And he wouldn't have been - If his father had seen -That the end of the rubber was torn. +There was a young fellow named Grimes +Who fucked his girl seventeen times + In the course of a week -- + And this isn't to speak +Of assorted venereal crimes. % -There was a young man of Coblenz -Whose ballocks were simply immense: - It took forty-four draymen, - A priest and three laymen -To carry them thither and thence. +There was a young fellow named Harry, +Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. + He grabbed him a virgin, + Who, without any urgin', +Immediately spread like a fairy. % -There was a young man of Darjeeling -Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. - In the electric light socket, - He'd put it and rock it-- -Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! +There was a young fellow named Hatch +Who was fond of the music of Bach. + He said: "It's not fussy + Like Brahms and Debussy; +Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." % -There was a young man of Devizes -Whose balls were of different sizes. - His tool when at ease, - Hung down to his knees, -Oh, what must it be when it rises! +There was a young fellow named Kimble +Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, + But fragile and slender, + And dainty and tender, +So he kept it encased in a thimble. % -There was a young man of Devizes, -Whose balls were of different sizes. - One was so small, - It was nothing at all; -The other took numerous prizes. +There was a young fellow named Meek +Who invented a lingual technique. + It drove women frantic, + And made them romantic, +And wore all the hair off his cheek. % -There was a young man of Dumfries -Who said to his girl, "If you please, - It would give me great bliss - If, while playing with this, -You would pay some attention to these!" +There was a young fellow named Morgan +Who possessed an unusual organ: + The end of his dong, + Which was nine inches long, +Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. % -There was a young man of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - So long was his tool - That it wound round a spool, -And he let it out inach by inach. +There was a young fellow named Paul +Who confessed, "I have only one ball. + But the size of my prick + Is God's dirtiest trick, +For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" % -There was a young man of high station -Who was found by a pious relation - Making love in a ditch - To -- I won't say a bitch -- -But a woman of no reputation. +There was a young fellow named Pell +Who didn't like cunt very well. + He would finger or fuck one, + But never would suck one-- +He just couldn't get used to the smell. % -Once a young gay from Khartoum, -Took a lesbian up to his room. - They argued all night - Over who had the right -To do what, and with which, and to whom. +There was a young fellow named Price +Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. + He had virgins and boys + And mechanical toys, +And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! % -There was a young man of Khartoum, -The strength of whose balls was his doom. - So strong was his shootin', - The third law of Newton -Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. +There was a young fellow named Prynne +Whose prick was so short and so thin, + His wife found she needed + A Fuckoscope -- she did -- +To see if he'd gotten it in. % -There was a young man of Khartoum -Who lured a poor girl to her doom. - He not only fucked her, - But buggered and sucked her-- -And left her to pay for the room. +There was a young fellow named Skinner +Who took a young lady to dinner + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +At twenty to ten it was in her. +The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. + +There was a young fellow named Tupper +Who took a young lady to supper. + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +And at twenty to ten it was up her. +Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! % -There was a young man of Kildare -Who was fucking a girl on the stair. - The bannister broke, - But he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. +There was a young fellow named Sweeney, +Whose girl was a terrible meanie, + The hatch of her snatch, + Had a catch that would latch, +She could only be screwed by Houdini. % -There was a young man of Kutki -Who could blink himself off with one eye. - For a while though, he pined, - When his organ declined -To function, because of a stye. +There was a young fellow named dick +Who had a magnificent prick. + It was shaped like a prism + And shot so much gism +It made every cocksucker sick. % -There was a young man of Lahore -Whose prick was one inch and no more. - It was all right for key-holes - And little girl's pee-holes, -But not worth a damn with a whore. +There was a young fellow of Burma +Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. + But now that he's married he's + Been using cantharides +And the root of their love is much firmer. % -There was a young man of Lake Placid -Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. - When he wanted to sport - He would have to resort -To injections of sulphuric acid. +There was a young fellow of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + He had such a tool + It was wound on a spool, +And he reeled it out inich by inich. + +But this tale has an unhappy finich, +For due to the sand in the spinach + His ballocks grew rough + And wrecked his wife's muff, +And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. % -There was a young man of Madras -Whose balls were constructed of brass. - When jangled together - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. +There was a young fellow of Harrow +Whose john was the size of a marrow. + He said to his tart, + "How's this for a start? +My balls are outside in a barrow." % -There was a young man of Missouri -Who fucked with a terrible fury. - Till hauled into court - For his beastial sport, -And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. +There was a young fellow of Kent +Whose prick was so long that it bent, + So to save himself trouble + He put it in double, +And instead of coming he went. % -There was a young man of Natal -And Sue was the name of his gal. - One day, north of Aden, - He got his hard rod in, -And came clear up Suez Canal. +There was a young fellow of Mayence +Who fucked his own arse in defiance + Not only of custom + And morals, dad-bust him, +But of most of the known laws of science. % -There was a young man of Natal -Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. - Said she, "You're a sluggard!" - Said he, "You be buggered! -I like to fuck slow and I shall." +There was a young fellow of Perth +Whose balls were the finest on earth. + They grew to such size + That one won a prize, +And goodness knows what they were worth. % -There was a young man of Ostend -Who let a girl play with his end. - She took hold of Rover, - And felt it all over, -And it did what she didn't intend. +There was a young fellow of Strensall +Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. + On the night of his wedding + It went through the bedding, +And shattered the chamber utensil. % -There was a young man of Ostend -Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. - "It's no use, my duck, - Interrupting our fuck, -For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." +There was a young fellow of Warwick +Who had reason for feeling euphoric, + For he could by election + Have triune erection: +Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. % -There was a young man of Saskatchewan, -Whose penis was truly gargantuan. - It was good for large whores, - And for small dinosaurs, -And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. +There was a young fellow whose dong +Was prodigiously massive and long. + On each side of his whang + Two testes did hang +That attracted a curious throng. % -There was a young man of Seattle -Who bested a bull in a battle. - With fire and gumption - He assumed the bull's function, -And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. + A woman is fine, + And a sheep is divine, +But a llama is Numero Uno." % -There was a young man of St. John's -Who wanted to bugger the swans. - But the loyal hall porter - Said, "Pray take my daughter! -Those birds are reserved for the dons." +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "There is one thing I do know, + Women are fine + And children devine, +But the llama is numero uno." % -There was a young man of Tibet --- And this is the strangest one yet -- - His prick was so long, - And so pointed and strong, -He could bugger six sheep en brochette. +There was a young girl from Annista +Who dated a lecherous mister. + He fondled her titty, + Got one finger shitty, +Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. % -There was a young man of Toulouse -Who had a deficient prepuce, - But the foreskin he lacked - He made up in his sac; -The result was, his balls were too loose. +There was a young girl from Decatur +Who was raped by an alligator. + But no one quite knew + How she relished that screw, +For after he screwed her, he ate her. % -There was a young man who appeared -To his friends with a full growth of beard; - They at once said, "Although - We can't say why it's so, -The effect is uncommonly weird." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young girl from Dundee, +From her fanny there grew a plum tree. + No one ate the nice fruit, + To tell you the truth, +Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. % -There was a young man who said "God, -I find it exceedingly odd, - That the willow oak tree - Continues to be, -When there's no one about in the Quad." - -"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, -For I'm always about in the Quad; - And that's why the tree, - Continues to be," -Signed "Yours faithfully, God." +There was a young girl from East Lynn +Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) + Had filled up her crack + With hard-setting shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. % -There was a young man with a fiddle -Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" - She replied, "Yes, I do, - But prefer to with two -- -It's twice as much fun in the middle." +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Who said, "You are utterly wrong + To say my vagina + Is the largest in China +Just because of your mean little dong." % -There was a young man with a prick -Which into his wife he would stick - Every morning and night - If it stood up all right -- -Not a very remarkable trick. - -His wife had a nice little cunt: -It was hairy, and soft, and in front, - And with this she would fuck him, - Though sometimes she'd suck him -- -A charming, if commonplace, stunt. +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" % -There was a young man with one foot -Who had a very long root. - If he used this peg - As an extra leg -Is a question exceedingly moot. +There was a young girl from Medina +Who could completely control her vagina. + She could twist it around + Like the cunts that are found +In Japan, Manchukuo and China. % -There was a young miss from Johore -Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; - In a manner uncanny - She'd wobble her fanny, -And drain your nuts dry to the core. +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. + +Till along came a man who presented +A tool that was strangely indented. + With a dizzying twirl + He punctured that girl, +And thus was the cork-screw invented. % -There was a young monk from Siberia -Whose life got drearia' and drearia' - Till he did to a nun - What shouldn't be done -And made her a mother superia'. +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her quim with a cork + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade, it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. % -There was a young monk from Tibet -And this is the damnedest one yet - His cock was so long - And incredibly strong -That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who had nothing whatever to do. + So she sat on the stairs, + And counted cunt hairs, +Four thousand, three hundred and two. % -There was a young monk in Siberia, -Whose morals were very inferior, - He jumped on a nun - Which he shouldn't have done, -And now she's a Mother Superior. +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who noticed her lovers were few; + So she walked out her door + With a fig leaf, no more, +And now she's in bed - with the flu. % -There was a young monk of Dundee -Who complained that it hurt him to pee, - He said, "Pax vobiscum, - Now why won't the piss come? -I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." +There was a young girl from Samoa +Who pledged that no man would know her. + One young fellow tried, + But she wriggled aside, +And he spilled all his spermatozoa. % -There was a young parson of Harwich, -Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. - She said, "No, you young goose, - Just try self-abuse. -And the other we'll try after marriage." +There was a young girl from Seattle, +Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. + But a bull from the South + Shot a wad in her mouth +That made both her ovaries rattle. % -There was a young peasant named Gorse -Who fell madly in love with his horse. - Said his wife, "You rapscallion, - That horse is a stallion -- -This constitutes grounds for divorce." +There was a young girl from Siam +Who said to her boyfriend Priam, + "To seduce me, of course, + You'll have to use force, +And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. % -There was a young person of Kent -Who was famous wherever he went. - All the way through a fuck, - He would quack like a duck, -And he crowed like a cock when he spent. +There was a young girl from St. Cyr +Whose reflex reactions were queer. + Her escort said, "Mable, + Get up off the table; +That money's to pay for the beer." % -There was a young physicist named Fisk -Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. - So quick was his action, - The Lorentz Contraction -Shortened his rod to a disc !! +There was a young girl from St. Paul +Who went to a newspaper ball. + Her dress caught on fire + And burnt her entire +Front page and sport section and all. % -There was a young plumber named Lee -Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. - She said, "Stop your plumbing, - There's somebody coming" -Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." +There was a young girl from the Bronix +Who had a vagina of onyx. + She had so much `tsoris' + With her clitoris, +She traded it in for a Packard. % -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know, -It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can." +There was a young girl from the coast +Who, just when she needed it most, + Lost her Kotex and bled + All over the bed, +And the head and the beard of her host. % -There was a young royal marine, -Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". - When he reached the soprano - Out came only guano -And his britches weren't fit to be seen. +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who eked out a living through sin. + She didn't mind fucking, + But much preferred sucking, +And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. % -There was a young sailor from Brighton -Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole -There's plenty of room in the right'un." +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. + Though he diddled his best, + And fucked her with zest, +She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" % -There was a young sapphic named Anna -Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, - Which she sucked, bit by bit, - From her partner's warm slit, -In the most approved lesbian manner. +There was a young girl in Dakota +Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: + "In addition to gas + We are rationing ass, +And you've greatly exceeded your quota." % -There was a young Scot in Madrid -Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. - When they said, "Are you faint?" - He replied, "No, I ain't, -But I don't feel as good as I did." +There was a young girl name McKnight +Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. + She came to in bed, + With a split maidenhead-- +That's the last time she ever was tight. % -There was a young soldier from Munich -Whose penis hung down past his tunic, - And their chops girls would lick - When they thought of his prick, -But alas! he was only a eunuch. +There was a young girl named Ann Heuser +Who swore that no man could surprise her. + But Pabst took a chance, + Found a Schlitz in her pants, +And now she is sadder Budweiser. % -There was a young sportsman named Peel -Who went for a trip on his wheel; - He pedalled for days - Through crepuscular haze, -And returned feeling somewhat unreal. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young girl named Heather +Whose twitcher was made out of leather. + She made a queer noise, + Which attracted the boys, +By flapping the edges together. % -There was a young squaw of Wohunt -Who possessed a collapsible cunt. - It had many odd uses, - Produced no papooses, -And fitted both giant and runt. +There was a young girl named McCall +Whose cunt was exceedingly small, + But the size of her anus + Was something quite heinous -- +It could hold seven pricks and one ball. % -There was a young student from Yale -Who was getting his first piece of tail. - He shoved in his pole, - But in the wrong hole, -And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" +There was a young girl named O'Clare +Whose body was covered with hair. + It was really quite fun + To probe with one's gun, +For her quimmy might be anywhere. % -There was a young trollop at Yale, -Who had verses tattooed on her tail, - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -A duplicate version in Braille. +There was a young girl named O'Malley +Who wanted to dance in the ballet. + She got roars of applause + When she kicked off her drawers, +But her hair and her bush didn't tally. % -There was a young whore from Kaloo -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They can pay to get out again too!" +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" % -There was a young woman called Pearl -Who quite resembled a churl; - When she asked a young man named Tex - Whether he would like to have sex, -"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who screwed every man that she kissed with. + She tickled the balls + Of the men in the halls, +And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. % -There was a young woman from Bude, -Who went for a swim in the nude, - But a man in a punt, - Grabbed at her elbow, -And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's sun, Jack, + Laid her flat on her back, +And united the organs they pissed with. % -There was a young woman in Dee -Who stayed with each man she did see. - When it came to a test - She wished to be best, -And practice makes perfect, you see. +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. % -There was a young woman named Alice -Who peed in a Catholic chalice. - She said, "I do this - From a great need to piss, -And not from sectarian malice." +There was a young girl of Asturias +With a penchant for practices curious. + She loved to bat rocks + With her gentlemen's cocks -- +A practice both rude and injurious. % -There was a young woman named Ells -Who was subject to curious spells - When got up very oddly, - She'd cry out things ungodly -by the palms in expensive hotels. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young girl of Batonger +who diddled herself with a conger, + When asked how it feels + To be pleasured by eels +She said, "Just like a man, only longer. +% +There was a young girl of Cah'lina, +Had a very capricious vagina: + To the shock of the fucker + "Twould suddenly pucker, +And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." % -There was a young woman named Florence -Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, - But they found her in bed - With her cunt flaming red, -And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. +There was a young girl of Cape Cod +Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. + But it wasn't Jehovah + That turned the girl over, +'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, + the bugger, the bastard, the sod! % -There was a young woman named Plunnery -Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. - Till one day unobservant, - She blew up a servant, -And was forced to retire to a nunnery. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young girl of Cape Town +Who usually fucked with a clown. + He taught her the trick + Of sucking his prick, +And when it went up -- she went down. % -There was a young woman named Sutton -Who said, as she carved up the mutton, - "My father preferred - The last sheep in the herd -- -This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." +There was a young girl of Coxsaxie +Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. + She was fucked at the show + In the twenty-third row, +And once more going home in the taxi. % -There was a young woman of Cheadle, -Who once gave the clap to a beadle. - Said she, "Does it itch?" - "It does, you damned bitch, -And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. % -There was a young woman of Condover -Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. - Her pussy was juicy, - Her arse soft and goosey, -But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. +There was a young girl of Des Moines +Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, + Till a guy from Hoboken + Went and dropped in a token, +And now she rides free on the ferry. % -There was a young woman of Croft -Who played with herself in a loft, - Having reasoned that candles - Could never cause scandals, -Besides which they did not go soft. +There was a young girl of Detroit +Who at fucking was very adroit: + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point, or finer, +Or open it out like a quoit. -Said another young woman of Croft, -Amusing herself in the loft, - "A salami or wurst - Is what I'd choose first -- -With bologna you know you've been boffed." +And she had a friend named Durand +Whose cock could contract or expand. + He could diddle a midge + Or the arch of a bridge -- +Their performance together was grand! % -There was a young woman, quite handsome, -Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. - When she offered much gold - For release, she was told -That the view was worth more than the ransom. +There was a young girl of East Lynne +Whose mother, to save her from sin, + Had filled up her crack, + To the brim with shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. % -There was a young woman whose stammer -Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; - But they were not improved - When her husband was moved -To knock out her teeth with a hammer. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young girl of Gibraltar +Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. + It really seems odd + That a virtuous God +Should answer her prayers and assault her. % -There was an old abbess quite shocked -To find nuns where the candles were locked. - Said the abbess, "You nuns - Should behave more like guns, -And never go off till you're cocked." +There was a young girl of LLewellyn +Whose breasts were as big as a melon. + They were big it is true, + But her cunt was big too, +Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view +Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. % -There was an old bishop from Buckingham -Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. - His wife with distain - Could scarcely restrain -That sprightly old bishop from * * *. +There was a young girl of Mobile, +Who hymen was made of chilled steel, + To give her a thrill, + Took a rotary drill, +Or a number nine emery wheel. % -There was an old count of Swoboda -Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. - So, with great savoir-faire, - She stood on a chair -And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. +There was a young girl of Moline +Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. + She would work on a prick + With every known trick, +And finish by winking it clean. % -There was an old curate of Hestion -Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. - But so small was his tool - He could scarce screw a spool, -And a cunt was quite out of the question. +There was a young girl of Newcastle +Whose charms were declared universal. + While one man in front + Wired into her cunt, +Another was engaged at her arsehole. % -There was an old fellow named Art -Who awoke with a horrible start, - For down by his rump - Was a generous lump -Of what should have been just a fart. +There was a young girl of Pawtucket +Whose box was as big as a bucket. + Her boy-friend said, "Toots, + I'll have to wear boots, +For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." % -There was an old fellow named Skinner -Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. - But still, by and large, - It would always discharge -Once he could just get it in her. +There was a young girl of Penzance +Who boarded a bus in a trance. + The passengers fucked her, + Likewise the conductor, +While the driver shot off in his pants. % -There was an old feminine blighter -Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. - She would cream her own pool - While she sucked off his tool -- -How his cock in her cunt would excite her! +There was a young girl of Pitlochry +Who was had by a man in a rockery. + She said, "Oh! You've come + All over my bum; +This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." % -There was an old gent from Kentuck -Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, - But he put it away - For fear that one day -He might put it in and get stuck. +There was a young girl of Rangoon +Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. + "Well, it has been great fun," + She remarked when he'd done, +"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." % -There was an old girl of Kilkenny -Whose usual charge was a penny. - For half of that sum - You could finger her bum-- -A source of amusement to many. +There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, +Whose people all thought her a virgin, + Till they found her in bed + With her twat very red, +And the head of a kid just emergin'. % -There was an old harlot from Dijon -Who in her old age got religion. - "When I'm dead & gone," - Said she, "I'll take on -The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." +There was a young girl who begat +Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. + T'was fun in the breeding + But hell in the feeding +When she found there's no tit for Tat. % -There was an old hermit named Dave -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - He said "I'll admit - I'm a bit of a shit, -But look at the money I save." +There was a young girl who begat +Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. + It was fun in the breeding, + But hell in the feeding, +When she found there was no tit for Tat. % -There was an old lady of Bingly -Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. - I thought I had got - A bloke for my twat, -But he seems rather queenly than kingly." +There was a young girl, very sweet, +Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. + When she sat on their lap + She unbuttoned their flap, +And always had plenty to eat. % -There was an old lady of Glascow, -Whose party proved quite a fiasco. - At nine-thirty, about, - The lights all went out, -Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. +There was a young harlot from Kew +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They'll pay to get out of it too." % -There was an old lady of Kewry -Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': - The `introitus vaginae', - Was unnaturally tiny, -And the thought of it filled her with fury. +There was a young harlot named Schwartz +Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, + And they tickled so nice + She drew a high price +From the studs at the summer resorts. + +Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, +Was seldom hard up for a diddle, + For according to rumor + His tool had a tumor +And a fine row of warts down the middle. +% +There was a young hayseed from Tiffan +Whose cock would constantly stiffen. + The knob out in front + Attracted foul cunt +Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. +% +There was a young idler named Blood, +Made a fortune performing at stud, + With a fifteen-inch peter, + A double-beat metre, +And a load like the Biblical Flood. % -There was an old lady who lay -With her legs wide apart in the hay, - Then, calling the ploughman, - She said, "Do it now, man! -Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." +There was a young lad - name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan + Stop jerkin' your gherkin +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. % -There was an old maid from Cape Cod -Who thought all good things came from god. - But it wasn't the almighty - Who lifted her nighty, -It was Roger, the lodger, by god. +There was a young lad from Nahant +Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. + When asked, "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could but I can't." % -There was an old man from Bengal -Who liked to do tricks in the hall. - His favorite trick - Was to stand on his dick -While he rolled around on one ball. +There was a young lad from Siam, +Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. + He loved them real small, + 'Cause they're funner to ball, +So he went out and bought him a lamb! % -There was an old man from Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - Or his fingers and toes -And he came thru a hole in his tooth. +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. % -There was an old man from Fort Drum -Whose son was incredibly dumb. - When he urged him ahead, - He went down instead, -For he thought to succeed meant succumb. +There was a young lad name of Ward +Who strung himself up with a cord + Said he, of his work + (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) +"I am leaving because I am bored." + - E.A. Guest % -Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : -"What care I for this shortage of gum? - My favorite chew - Is a condom or two, -With a goodly amount of fresh come." +There was a young lad named McFee +Who was stung in the balls by a bee + He made oodles of money + By oozing pure honey +Every time he attempted to pee. % -There was an old man of Alsace -Who played the trombone with his ass. - He put in a trap - To take out the crap, -But the vapors corroded the brass. +There was a young lady at sea +Who complained that it hurt her to pee. + Said the brawny old mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the cook and the captain and me." % -There was an old man of Brienz -The length of whose cock was immense: - With one swerve he could plug - A boy's bottom in Zug, -And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. +There was a young lady at sea +Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." + "I see," said the mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the captain, the purser, and me." % -There was an old man of Cajon -Who never could get a good bone. - With the aid of a gland - It grew simply grand; -Now his wife cannot leave it alone. +There was a young lady called Ciss +Who went to the river to piss. + A young man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt; +No wonder she thought it was bliss. % -There was an old man of Calcutta -Who spied through a chink in the shutter. - But all he could see - Was his wife's bare knee, -And the back of the bloke who was up her. +There was a young lady from Bangor +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor + She woke in dismay + When she heard the mate say: +"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" % -There was an old man of Connaught -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." +There was a young lady from Bright, +Whose speed was much faster than light. + She went out one day + In a relative way +And returned on the previous night. % -There was an old man of Duddee -Who came home as drunk as could be. - He wound up the clock - With the end of his cock, -And buggered his wife with the key. +There was a young lady from Bristol +Who went to the Palace called Crystal. + Said she, "It's all glass, + And as round as my ass," +And she farted as loud as a pistol. % -There was an old man of Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - And with fingers and toes, -And he came through a hole in his tooth. +There was a young lady from Brussels +Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. + She could easily plex them + And so interflex them +As to whistle love songs through her bustles. % -There was an old man of Hong Kong -Who never did anything wrong. - He would lie on his back - With his head in a sack -And secretly finger his dong. +There was a young lady from Drew +Who ended her verse at line two. % -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He replied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." - -- W.S. Gilbert +There was a young lady from Dumfries +Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! + My navel's all bare, + So stick it in there, +Before both my legs and my bum freeze." % -There was an old man of Tagore -Whose tool was a yard long or more, - So he wore the damn thing - In a surgical sling -To keep it from wiping the floor. +There was a young lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. % -There was an Old Man of the Mountain -Who frigged himself into a fountain - Fifteen times had he spent, - Still he wasn't content, -He simply got tired of the counting. +There was a young lady from Hyde +Who ate a green apple and died. + While her lover lamented + The apple fermented +And made cider inside her inside. % -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. % -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +There was a young lady from Munich +Who had an affair with a eunuch. + At the height of their passion + He dealt her a ration +From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. % -There was an old man who said, "Tush! -My balls always hang in the brush, - And I fumble about, - Half in and half out, -With a pecker as limber as mush." +There was a young lady from Norway +Who hung by her heels in a doorway. + She told her young man, + "Get off the divan, +I think I've discovered one more way " % -There was an old man with a beard -Who said, "It is just what I feared! - Two owls and a hen, - Four larks and a wren -Have all built their nests in my beard!" +There was a young lady from Prentice +Who had an affair with a dentist. + To make things easier + He used anesthesia, +And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. % -There was an old person of Ware -Who had an affair with a bear. - He explained, "I don't mind, - For it's gentle and kind, -But I wish it had slightly less hair." +There was a young lady from Rheims +Who amazingly pissed in four streams. + A friend poked around + And a fly-button found +Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. % -There was an old pirate named Bates -Who was learning to rhumba on skates - He fell on his cutlass - Which rendered him nutless -And practically useless on dates. +There was a young lady from Rio +Who slept with the Fornier trio. + As she dropped her panties + She said, "No andanties +I want this allegro con brio." % -There was an old satyr named Mack -Whose prick had a left handed tack. - If the ladies he loves - Don't spin when he shoves, -Their cervixes frequently crack. +There was a young lady from Siam +Who said to her lover, one Kiam, + "You may kiss me of course, + But you'll have to use force. +Though god knows you're stronger than I am." % -There was an old Scot named McTavish -Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. - The object of rape - Was the wrong sex of ape, -And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. +There was a young lady from Spain +Who demurely undressed on a train. + A helpful young porter + Helped more than he orter, +And she promptly cried "Help me again" % -There was an old whore from Silesia -Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, - For a slight extra sum - You can go up my bum -But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." +There was a young lady from Spain +Who got sick as she rode on a train; + Not once, but again, + And again, and again, +And again, and again, and again. % -There was an old whore in the Azores -Whose body was covered with festers & sores. - Why the dogs in the street - Wouldn't eat the green meat -That hung in festoons from her drawers. +There was a young lady from Spain +Whose face was exceedingly plain, + But her cunt had a pucker + That made the men fuck her, +Again, and again, and again. % -There was an old woman of Ghent -Who swore that her cunt had no scent. - She got fucked so often - At last she got rotten, -And didn't she stink when she spent. +There was a young lady from Troy +Had a moustache, just like a young boy + Though it tickled to kiss + 'Twas a source of much bliss +When she used it to brush a man's toy. % -There was once a mechanic named Bench -Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. - With this vibrant device - He could reach, in a trice, -The innermost parts of a wench. +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. % -There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife-- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is, they all do it well. +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who had a peculiar feeling. + She laid on her back + And tickled her crack +And pissed all over the ceiling. % -There were three ladies of Huxham, -And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, - And when that game grows stale - We sits on a rail, -And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. +There was a young lady from Wooster +Who complained that too many men gooster. + So she traded her scanties + For sandpaper panties, +Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. % -There were three young ladies of Birmingham, -And this is the scandal concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And tickled the cock -Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. - -Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, -He'd been to a good public school, - So he took down their britches - And buggered those bitches -With his ten-inch episcopal tool. - -Then up spoke a lady from Kew, -And said, as the Bishop withdrew, - "The vicar is quicker - And thicker and slicker, -And longer and stronger than you." - -- Abuses of the Clergy +There was a young lady in Reno, +Who lost all her dough playing Keno. + But she lay on her back, + And opened her crack, +So now she owns the Casino! % -There's a charming young girl in Tobruk -Who refers to her quiff as a nook. - It's deep and it's wide, - -- You can curl up inside -With a nice easy chair and a book. +There was a young lady named Alice +Who was known to have peed in a chalice. + 'Twas the common belief + It was done for relief, +And not out of protestant malice. % -There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu -Who's often been screwed by yours truly, - But now--it's appallin'-- - My balls always fall in! -I fear that I've fucked her unduly. +There was a young lady named Astor +Who never let any get past her. + She finally got plenty + By stopping twenty, +Which certainly ought to last her. % -There's a dowager near Sweden Landing -Whose manners are odd and demanding. - It's one of her jests - To suck off her guests -- -She hates to keep gentlemen standing. +There was a young lady named Banker, +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, + She woke in dismay, + When she heard the mate say, +"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." % -There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock -Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, - But her cunt's got a pucker - That's best not to fuck, or -When least you expect it to, it'll lock. +There was a young lady named Blount +Who had a rectangular cunt. + She learned for diversion + Posterior perversion, +Since no one could fit here in front. % -There's a rather odd couple in Herts -Who are cousins (or so each asserts); - Their sex is in doubt - For they're never without -Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady named Bower +Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. + But a poet from Perth + Laid her flat on the earth, +And proceeded with penis to plough her. % -There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, -Who's been coxing the varsity crew. - In the shell Sue is great, - But her boyfriend's irate, -When she calls out the stroke as they screw. +There was a young lady named Brent +With a cunt of enormous extent, + And so deep and so wide, + The acoustics inside +Were so good you could hear when you spent. % -There's a tavern in London that's staffed, -By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: - In her striving to please, - She serves ale on her knees, -So the patrons get head with their draft. +There was a young lady named Bright +Who could travel much faster than light. + She took off one day, + In a relative way, +And returned on the previous night. % -There's a very hot babe at the Aggies -Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. - The seniors go round - Hanging down to the ground, -And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. +There was a young lady named Brook +Who never could learn how to cook. + But on a divan + She could please any man- +She knew every darn trick in the book! % -There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, -Since his shocking perversions are various... - He will bugger some lad - With a dildo (the cad!) -While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" +There was a young lady named Cager +Who, as the result of a wager, + Consented to fart + The entire oboe part +Of Mozart's quartet in F major. % -There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, -Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. - When one pireg is shot, - There's that alternate twat, -But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. +There was a young lady named Ciss +Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " + But she'll never restate, + For a wheel off her skate +.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM % -There's an oversexed lady named Whyte -Who insists on a dozen a night. - A fellow named Cheddar - Had the brashness to wed her- -His chance of survival is slight. +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. % -There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, -Exceedingly hard to get onto, - But when you get there, - And have parted the hair, -You can fuck her as much as you want to. +There was a young lady named Dot +Whose cunt was so terribly hot + That ten bishops of Rome + And the Pope's private gnome +Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. % -They had come in the fugue to the stretto -When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto - Slipped forward and grabbed - Her tresses and stabbed -Her to death with a rusty stiletto. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady named Duff +With a lovely, luxuriant muff. + In his haste to get in her + One eager beginner +Lost both of his balls in the rough. % -Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, -Was to do what man normally does, - She declared, "I'm a Soul- - Not a sexual goal!" -So he shrugged and called someone who was. +There was a young lady named Etta +Who was constantly seen in a swetta. + Three reasons she had: + To keep warm wasn't bad, +But the other two reasons were betta. % -Though most of the crewmen are whites, -Uhura has full equal rights. - Her crewmates, you see, - Love De-mo-cra-cy, -And the way that she fills out her tights. +There was a young lady named Fleager +Who was terribly, terribly eager + To be all the rage + On the tragedy stage, +Though her talents were pitifully meagre. + -- Edward Gorey % -Though the invalid Saint of Brac -Lay all of his life on his back, - His wife got her share, - And the pilgrims now stare -At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. +There was a young lady named Flo +Whose lover had pulled out too slow. + So they tried it all night, + Till he got it just right... +Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. % -'Tis a custom in Castellamare -To fuck in the back of a lorry. - The chassis and springs - Are like woodwinds and strings -In the midst of a musical soiree. +There was a young lady named Flynn +Who thought fornication a sin, + But when she was tight + It seemed quite all right, +So everyone filled her with gin. % -To a weepy young woman in Thrums -Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes - Of allowing your tears - To fall into my ears - -I think they have rotted the drums." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady named Gilda +Who went on a date with a builder. + He said that he would, + And he could and he should, +And he did and it damn well near killed her. % -To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. -Their fertility was somewhat unstable. - He constructed a bed - Out of tree trunks and said, -"Even adders can multiply on a log table." +There was a young lady named Gloria +Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. % -To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! -Your cunt is as big as a dish!" - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool -It's like driving a nail with a fish!" +There was a young lady named Gloria, +Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" + She replied to the chap, + "I'll draw you a map, +Of where others have been to before ya." % -To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : -"I trust you will show some forbearance. - My sexual habits - I picked up from rabbits, -And occasionally watching my parents." +There was a young lady named Grace +Who would not take a prick in her "place." + Though she'd kiss it and suck it, + She never would fuck it-- +She just couldn't relax face-to-face. % -To his bride said economist Fife : -"The semen you'll launch as my wife, - We will salvage and freeze - To resemble goat's cheese, -And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. % -To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Has the east tit the least bit - The best of the west tit, -Or is it the faulty perspective?" +There was a young lady named Hatch +Who would always come through in a scratch. + If a guy wouldn't neck her, + She'd grab up his pecker +And shove the damn thing up her snatch. % -To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Is your east tit the least bit - The best of your west tit, -Or is it a trick of perspective?" +There was a young lady named Mable +Who liked to sprawl out on the table, + Then cry to her man, + "Stuff in all you can -- +Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." % -To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, -As he poured his post-prandial tipple, - "Your mother's behaviour - Gave pain to Our Saviour, -And that's why He made you a cripple." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady named Mandel +Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal + By coming out bare + On the main village square +And frigging herself with a candle. % -Two anglers were fishing off Wight -And his bobber was dipping all night. - Murmured she, with a laugh, - "It's ready to gaff, -But don't break your rod which is light." - -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. - -As two consular clerks in Madras -Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, - "What a marvelous pole," - Said she, "but control -Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." +There was a young lady named Maud, +A terrible society fraud: + In company, I'm told, + She was distant and cold, +But if you got her alone, Oh God! % -Two eager young men from Cawnpore -Once buggared and fucked the same whore. - But her partition split - And the blood and the shit -Rolled out in a mess on the floor. +There was a young lady named May +Who strolled in a park by the way, + And she met a youg man + Who fucked her and ran -- +Now she goes to the park every day. % -Two roosters in one of our pens -Found their pricks were no larger than wens. - As they looked at their foreskins - And wished they had more skins, -They discovered they'd both become hens. +There was a young lady named Nance +Who learned about fucking in France, + And when you'd insert it + She'd squeeze till she hurt it, +And shoved it right back in your pants. % -Under the spreading chestnut tree -The village smith he sat, - Amusing himself - By abusing himself -And catching the load in his hat. +There was a young lady named Nelly +Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. + They could tickle her twat + Or be tied in a knot, +And could even swat flies on her belly. % -Une joile epousetta a Tours -Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. - Mais le mari disait, "Non! - De trop n'est pas bon! -Mon derriere exige du secours!" +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was raped three times in a hansom + When she cried out for more + Said a voice from the floor, +"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson % -Visas erat: huic geminarum -Dispar modus testicularum: - Minor haec nihili, - Palma triplici, -Jam fecerat altera clarum. +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was rogered three times in a hansom. + When she cried out for more + A voice from the floor +Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." % -We dedicate this to the cunt, -The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : - All hail to the twat, - Willing, thrilling, and hot, -That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! +There was a young lady named Riddle +Who had an untouchable middle. + She had many friends + Because of her ends, +Since it isn't the middle you diddle. % -When I was a baby, my penis -Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'tis as red - As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminine genus! +There was a young lady named Rose +Who fainted whenever she chose; + She did so one day + While playing croquet, +But was quickly revived with a hose. + -- Edward Gorey % -When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, -Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, - "Was he modest or vain?" - "Was he regal or plain?" -She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" +There was a young lady named Rose +With erogenous zones in her toes. + She remained onanistic + Till a foot-fetishistic +Young man became one of her beaux. % -When you fuck little Annie in Anza -You get a great bossom bonanza: - Sucking Annie's soft tits - Makes her throw fifty fits, -And the fuck is a sextravaganza! +There was a young lady named Schneider +Who often kept trysts with a spider. + She found a strange bliss, + In the hiss of her piss, +As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. % -While his duchess lay practically dead, -The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: - "Can it be this is all? - How puny! How small! -Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady named Smith +Whose virtue was largely a myth. + She said, "Try as I can + I can't find a man +Who it's fun to be virtuous with." % -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW % -While out on a date in his Fiat, -The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" - As he bent down to seek, - She let out a shriek: -"That's not where it's likely to be at." +There was a young lady named Wylde +Who kept herself quite undefiled + By thinking of Jesus; + Contagious diseases; +And the bother of having a child. % -While spending the winter at Pau -Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." - So the head-porter made her - And the second-cook laid her; -The waiters were all hanging low. +There was a young lady of Arden, +The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. + Said she with a frown, + "I've been sadly let down +By the tool of a fool in a garden." % -While Titian was mixing rose madder, -His model reclined on a ladder. - Her position to Titian - Suggested coition, -So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. +There was a young lady of Bicester +Who was nicer by far than her sister: + The sister would giggle + And wiggle and jiggle, +But this one would come if you kissed her. % -While travelling in farthest Tibet, -Lord Irongate found cause to regret - The buttered-up tea, - A pain in his knee, -And the frivolous tourists he met. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady of Brabant +Who slept with an impotent savant. + She admitted, "We shouldn't, + But it turned out he couldn't- +So you can't say we have when we haven't." +% +There was a young lady of Bude +Who walked down the street in the nude. + A bobby said, "Whattum + Magnificent bottom!" +And slapped it as hard as he could. % -Winter is here with his grouch, -The time when you sneeze and you slouch. - You can't take your women - Canoein' or swimmin', -But a lot can be done on a couch. +There was a young lady of Carmia +Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. + At every cold snap + She would climb in your lab, +So her little base burner could warm ya. % -With his penis in turgid erection, -And aimed at woman's mid-section, - Man looks most uncouth - In that Moment of Truth, -But she sheathes it with loving affection. +There was a young lady of Dee +Who went down to the river to pee. + A man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt, +And God! how I wish it were me. % -You Women's Lib gals won't agree, -But dependent on men you must be: - You'll need a him - With a rod firm and trim, -To puggle your water-drains free! +There was a young lady of Dee +Whose hymen was split into three. + And when she was diddled + The middle string fiddled : +"Nearer My God To Thee." % -Young Frederick the great was a beaut. -To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. - If you'll come to my palace, - I'll finger your phallus, -And then I shall blow on your flute." +There was a young lady of Dexter +Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, + For whenever they'd start + He'd unfailingly fart +With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. % -You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, -Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : - He buggers the choir - As they sing "Ave Maria," -And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. +There was a young lady of Dover +Whose passion was such that it drove her + To cry, when you came, + "Oh dear! What a shame! +Well, now we shall have to start over." % -On the breasts of a harlot from Yale -Was tattooed the price of her tail - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -Was the same information in Braille. +There was a young lady of Ealing +And her lover before her was kneeling. + Said she, "Dearest Jim, + Take your hands off my quim; +I much prefer fucking to feeling." % -On the porch of a dude named Horatio, -His girl got a yen for fellatio. - As she sucked on his dingus - He tried cunnilingus -But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. +There was a young lady of Fez +Who was known to the public as "Jez." + Jezebel was her name, + Sucking cocks was the game +She excelled at (so everyone says). % -On day a Monterey daughter -Did scuba down under the water. - She later turned up - The mom of a pup, -And they say t'was a otter that gotter. +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump - +This passing parade did amaze her. % -Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, -"The men like to spread my two legs, - Then slip in between, - If you know what I mean, -And leave me the white of their eggs." +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump-- +This passing parade did amaze her. % -Said a decadent wench of Bombay : -"This has been a most wonderful day. - Three cherry tarts, - At least twenty farts, -Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." +There was a young lady of Gloucester +Whose friends they thought they had lost her + Till they found on the grass + The marks of her arse, +And the knees of the man who had crossed her. % -Said a girl who upon her divan -Was attacked by a virile young man: - "Such excess of passion - Is quite out of fashion" -And she fractured his wrist with her fan. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady of Gloucester, +Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. + She wasn't much hurt, + But he dirtied her skirt, +So think of the anguish it cost her. % -Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, -"My favorite sport is coitus." - But a fullback from State, - Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus. +There was a young lady of Kent, +Who admitted she knew what it meant + When men asked her to dine, + And plied her with wine, +She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! % -Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, -When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, - "You must seize it, and squeeze it, - And tease it, and please it, -For Rome wasn't built in a day." +There was a young lady of Lee +Who scrambled up into a tree, + When she got there + Her arsehole was bare, +And so was her C U N T. % -Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; -Of all the girls that I've had, - None gave me the thrill - Of real rapture until -I learned how to be a tribade." +There was a young lady of Lincoln +Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, + So she had a prick lent her + Which turned it magenta, +This artful old lady of Lincoln. % -Said a madam named Mamie La Farge -To a sailor just off of a barge, - "We have one girl that's dead, - With a hole in her head-- -Of course there's a slight extra charge." +There was a young lady of Natchez +Who chanced to be born with two snatches, + And she often said, "Shit! + Why, I'd give either tit +For a man with equipment that matches." + +There was a young fellow named Locke +Who was born with a two-headed cock. + When he'd fondle the thing + It would rise up and sing +An antiphonal chorus by Bach. + +But whether these two ever met +Has not been recorded as yet, + Still, it would be diverting + To see him inserting +His whang while it sang a duet. % -Said a modest young miss to de Sade, -I'm simply too shy and afraid - To take part in your pranks. - But to show you my thanks, -I'd just love to become your first aide. +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me Joe +I think I've discovered one more way." % -Said a pornographistic young poet -"Although I perhaps do not show it, - My interest in sin - Is wearing quite thin, -And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." +There was a young lady of Rhyll +In an omnibus was taken ill, + So she called the conductor, + Who got in and fucked her, +Which did more good than a pill. % -Said a swinging young chick named Lyth -Whose virtue was largely a myth, - "Try as hard as I can, - I can't find a man -That it's fun to be virtuous with!" +There was a young lady of Spain +Who took down her pants on a train. + There was a young porter + Saw more than he orter, +And asked her to do it again. % -Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : -"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." - Uhura said, "No, - At night that's not so-- -He doesn't withdraw for an hour." +There was a young lady of Spain +Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. + They did it again + And again and again, +And again and again and again. % -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: - Let V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let V over P be inverted -With the square root of Mu inserted - N times into V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +There was a young lady of Twickenham +Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. + On her knees every day + To God she would pray +To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. % -Said Francesca, "My lack of volition -Is leading me straight to perdition; - But I haven't the strength - To go to the length -Of making an act of contrition." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Said to her beau, "I've a feeling + My little brown jug + Has need of a plug" -- +And straightaway she started to peeling. % -Said President Jobcock one day : -"War's better than love, I should say. - Instead of a virgin, - It's murder I'm urgin'-- -You get lots more blood that-a-way." +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Who professed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris, +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. % -Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : -"Only infidel dogs put it in. - Back home in Arabia - We nibble the labia -Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." +There was a young lady of fashion +Who had oodles and oodles of passion. + To her lover she said, + As they climbed into bed, +"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" +% +There was a young lady who said, +As her bridegroom got into the bed, + "I'm tired of this stunt, + That they do with one's cunt, +You can get up my bottom instead." % -Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, -In a cunt halfway up to his ears : - "This nautch is delicious, - And without doubt nutritious. -She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" +There was a young lady whose cunt +Could accommodate a small punt. + Her mother said, "Annie, + It matches your fanny, +Which never was that of a runt." % -Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, -"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" - I replied with some wit, - "Do you belch when you shit?" -I think that was one up for me. +There was a young lady whose thighs, +When spread showed a slit of such size, + And so deep and so wide, + You could play cards inside, +Much to her bridegroom's surprise. % -Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, -"This must be our final adieu, - For the vicar is slicker, - And thicker, and quicker, -And two inches longer than you." +There was a young lass from Surat. +The cheeks of her ass were so fat + That they had to be parted + Whenever she farted, +And also whenever she shat. % -Saint Peter was once heard to boast -That he'd had all the heavenly host : - The Father and Son, - And then - just for fun - -The hole in the Holy Ghost. +There was a young laundress named Wrangle +Whose tits tilted up at an angle. + "They may tickle my chin," + She said with a grin, +"But at least they keep out of the mangle." % -The Enterprise crew when off work -Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. - Uhura the Zulu - Is shacked up with Sulu, -And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. +There was a young maiden from Osset +Whose quim was nine inches across it. + Said a young man named Tong, + With tool nine inches long, +"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." % -The Enterprise girls, so one hears, -Have chased Spock for several years. - His look of disdain - Has spared them great pain, -For his prick is as sharp as his ears. +There was a young man from Bear Ridge +Who had strange ideas about marriage. + He fucked his wife's mother + And sucked off her brother +And ate up her sister's miscarriage. % -The Dowager Duchess of Spout -Collapsed at the height of a rout; - She found strength to say - As they bore her away: -"I should never have taken the trout." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair. + But the banister broke + So he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. % -The cruelest of creatures' the crab -With claws that can pinch you or stab, - And then when you dine - On crab and white wine -It gets you as well with the tab. +There was a young man from Bengal +Who claimed he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Pulled down this man's breeches +And proved he had nothing at all. % -The bustard's a remarkable fowl -With surely no reason to growl - He escapes what would be - Illegitimacy -By the grace of a fortunate vowel. +There was a young man from Biloxi +Whose bowels responded to Moxie. + Drinking glass after glass, + He would tune up his ass, +Till he played like the band at the Roxy. % -The bishop of Alexandretta -Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. - So he thought he'd enshrine her - As the Holy Vagina -In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. +There was a young man from Boston +Who rode around in an Austin. + There was room for his ass + And a gallon of gas, +But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. % -The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : -They have kept me awake for a week. - Why do newlyweds - Select squeaky beds -To develop their fucking technique? +There was a young man from Calcutta +Who was heard in his beard to mutter, + "If her Bartholin glands + Don't respond to my hands, +I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." % -That Harvard don down at El Djim -- -Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, - With the whole harem randy, - The sheik himself handy, -To muss up a young camel's quim. +There was a young man from Dallas +Who had an exceptional phallus. + He couldn't find room + In any girl's womb +Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. % -That naughty old Sappho of Greece -Said: "What I prefer to a piece - Is to have my pudenda - Rubbed hard by the enda -The little pink nose of my niece." +There was a young man from Dundee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were quite horrid: + All ass and no forehead, +Three balls and a purple goatee. % -The acrobats - Tom and Louise- -Do an act in the nude on their knees. - They crawl down the aisle - While screwing dog-style, -As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." +There was a young man from East Lizes +Whose balls were of two different sizes + One was so small + It was no ball at all +The other was large and won prizes. % -The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, -Fell into the water baptismal; - Ere they'd gathered its plight, - It had sunk out of sight, -For the depth of the font was abysmal. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man from East Wubley +Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. + Each quadruplicate shaft + Had two balls hanging aft, +And the general effect was quite lovely. + +There was a young man from Hong Kong +Who had a trifurcated prong: + A small one for sucking, + A large one for fucking, +And a `boney' for beating a gong. % -Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, -She obliges all who accost her. - She welcomes the prick - Of Tom, Harry or Dick, -Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. +There was a young man from Glengozzle +Who found a remarkable fossil. + He knew by the bend + And the wart on the end, +'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. % -The fearless old bishop of Brest -Put his faith in the Lord to the test. - He fucked whores in the apse - With chancres and claps, -But first they were sprinkled and blessed. +There was a young man from Jodhpur +Who found he could easily cure + His dread diabetes + By eating a foetus +Served up in a sauce of manure. % -The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley -Came to light with its face in its belly; - Her second was born - With a hump and a horn, -And her third was as shapeless as jelly. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man from Kent +Whose tool was so long that it bent. + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. % -The genital area of Ann -Will accommodate any size man, - From the wee that cause titters - To the mighty twat-splitters -That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. +There was a young man from Lynn +Whose cock was the size of a pin. + Said his girl with a laugh + As she felt his staff, +"This won't be much of a sin." % -The Grecians were famed for fine art, -And buildings and stonework so smart. - They distinguished with poise - The men from the boys, -And used crowbars to keep them apart. +There was a young man from Maine +Whose prick was as strong as a crane; + It was almost as long, + So he strolled with his dong +Extended in sunshine and rain. % -The King named Oedipus Rex -Who started this fuss about sex - Put the world to great pains - By the spots and the stains -Which he made on his mother's pubex. +There was a young man from Nantucket +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + But he looked in the glass, + And saw his own ass, +And broke his neck trying to fuck it. % -The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard -To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, - And cried, "Oh, my dear, - I am coming, I fear, -But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." +There was a young man from New Haven +Who had an affair with a raven. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"Nevermore!" % -The kings of Peru were the Incas, -Who were known far and wide as great drincas. - They worshipped the sun - And had lots of fun, -But the peasants all thought they were stincas. +There was a young man from Peru, +Who took a long trip by canoe. + While staring at Venus, + And rubbing his penis, +He wound up with a handful of goo. % -The moyel who treated young Alec -Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. - Presented the child - His aim was so wild -He rendered the poor boy biphallic. +There was a young man from Purdue +Who was only just learning to screw, + But he hadn't the knack, + And he got too far back -- +In the right church, but in the wrong pew. % -The new cinematic emporium -Is not just a super-sensorium, - But a highly effectual - Heterosexual -Mutual masturbatorium. +There was a young man from Racine +Who invented a fucking machine. + Concave or convex, + It served either sex, +But oh what a bitch to keep clean. % -The new local cinematorium -Is not only a super sensorium, - But a highly effectual - Heterosexual -Mutual masturbatorium. +There was a young man from Rangoon +Who used to lament 'neath the moon + That he had the luck + To be born of a fuck +That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. % -The nipples of Sarah Sarong -When excited are twelve inches long - This embarrassed her lover - Who was pained to discover -She expected no less of his dong +There was a young man from Salinas +Who had an extremely long penis: + Believe it or not, + When he lay on his cot +It reached from Marin to Martinez. % -The notorious Duchess of Peels -Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. - Said she, "Would you mind? -- - Shove one up my behind. -I am anxious to know how it feels." +There was a young man from Seattle +Whose testicles tended to rattle. + He said as he fuck-ed + Some stones in a bucket, +"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." % -The office brown-noser named Bunky -Would claim he was nobody's flunky. - But when the chips were all down, - His proboscis was brown, -And there hung many strands which were gunky. +There was a young man from Siam +Who said, "I go in with a wham, + But I soon lose my starch + Like the mad month of March, +And the lion comes out like a lamb." % -The old archeologist, Throstle, -Discovered a marvelous fossil. - He knew from its bend - And the knot on the end, -T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. +There was a young man from St. Paul's +Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" + Till he grew such a passion + For feminine fashion +That he knitted a snood for his balls. % -The once was a man from Bombay -Who modeled his cunts out of clay - So hot was his prick - That he turned them to brick -And rubbed all his foreskin away. +There was a young man from Stamboul +Who boasted so torrid a tool + That each female crater + Explored by this satyr +Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. % -The partition of Vavasour Scowles -Was a sickener: they came on his bowels - In a firkin; his brain - Was found clogging a drain, -And his toes were inside of some towels. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man from Tibet- +And this is the strangest one yet- + Whose tool was so long, + So pointed and strong, +He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". % -The prick of the engineer, Scott, -Fell off from Saturnian rot. - He went to the basement - And made a replacement -Of tungsten and plastic and snot. +There was a young man in Havana, +Banged his girl on a player-piana. + At the height of their fever + Her ass hit the lever +And: yes, he has no banana. % -The randy old Bey of Algiers -Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, - Tried a cunt for a change, - And remarked : "It felt strange ... -Just think what I've missed all these years!" +There was a young man in Norway, +Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, + But the air was so frigid + It froze his cock rigid, +And all he could come was frappe. % -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a girl a most elegant creature. - So she laid on her back - And, exposing her crack, -Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" +There was a young man in the choir +Whose penis rose higher and higher, + Till it reached such a height + It was quite out of sight -- +But of course you know I'm a liar. % -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + Yeah, she threw the switch, +And Crockett went off like a rocket. % -The Shah of the Empire of Persia -Lay for days in a sexual merger. - When the nautch asked the Shah, - "Won't you ever withdraw?" -He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." +There was a young man named Hughes +Who swore off all kinds of booze. + He said, "When I'm muddled + My senses get fuddled, +And I pass up too many screws." % -The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray -At breakfast with horrid dismay, - So he launched off the spoons - The pits from his prunes -At their heads as they neared the buffet. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man named Knute +Who had warts all over his root. + He put acid on these + And now when he pees, +He fingers the thing like a flute. % -The skater, Barbara Ann Scott -Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, - That when posed on her toes - She elaborately shows -Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. +There was a young man named Laplace +Whose balls were made out of spun glass. + When they banged together + They played "Stormy Weather" +And lightning shot out of his ass. % -The spouse of a pretty young thing -Came home from the wars in the spring. - He was lame but he came - With his dame like a flame -- -A discharge is a wonderful thing. +There was a young man named McNamiter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + But it wasn't the size + Gave the girls a surprise, +But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. % -The star of that X-rated hit -Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. - This serves as a palace - For each turgid phallus-- -Some say that the plot is pure shit. +There was a young man named Rex +Who really was small for his sex. + When tried for exposure + The judge's disclosure +Was "de minimus non curat lex." % -"The testes are cooler outside," -Said the doc to the curious bride, - "For the semen must no - Get too fucking hot, -And the bag fans your bum on the ride." +There was a young man named Zerubbabel +Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. + When they asked if his pleasure + Was only half measure, +He replied, "That is highly improbable." % -The Sultan was peeved with his harem, -And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. - He caught a big mouse - Which he loosed in the house. -(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). +There was a young man named Zerubbabub +Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club + But the pride of his life + Were the tits of his wife -- +One real, and one India-rubber bub. % -The wife of young Richard of Limerick -Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, - Still grows in diameter - Each time that you ram at her; -How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" +There was a young man of Arras +Who stretched himself out on the grass, + And with no little trouble, + He bent himself double, +And stuck his prick well up his ass. % -The woman who lives on the moon -Is still cherishing the balloon - Of an earthling who'd come - And given her some, -But had dribbled away all too soon. +There was a young man of Australia +Who went on a wild bacchanalia. + He buggered a frog, + Two mice and a dog, +And a bishop in fullest regalia. % -The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter -Is not merely reading a meter. - By orders of Kirk - A part of his work -Is dosing the food with saltpeter. +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. + I will suck, without charge, + Any cock, if it's large. +If it's small, I expect to be paid." % -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I am wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who slept with a girl in the trade. + She said to him, "Jack, + Try the hole in the back; +The front one is badly decayed." % -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! +There was a young man of Bengal +Who swore he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Unbuttoned his britches, +And found he had no balls at all. % -A certain young man, it was noted, -Went about in the heat thickly-coated; - He said, "You may scoff, - But I shan't take it off; -Underneath I am horribly bloated." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man of Bombay +Who buggered his dad once a day. + He said, "I like, rather, + Fucking my father -- +He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." % -A certain young person of Ghent, -Uncertain if lady or gent, - Shows his organs at large - For a small handling charge -To assist him in paying the rent. +There was a young man of Calcutta, +Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. + When he got to c-u, + A pious Hindoo +Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. % -A certain young sheik of Algiers -Said to his harem, "My dears, - Though you may think it odd of me, - I'm tired of just sodomy -Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. % -A chap down in Oklahoma -Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, - But the sweetness of pitch - Couldn't put off the hitch -Of impotence, size and aroma. +There was a young man of Coblenz +Whose ballocks were simply immense: + It took forty-four draymen, + A priest and three laymen +To carry them thither and thence. % -A charmer from old Amarillo, -Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, - Decided one day - That to keep men away -She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. +There was a young man of Darjeeling +Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. + In the electric light socket, + He'd put it and rock it-- +Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! % -A chippy who worked in Black Bluff -Had a pussy as large as a muff. - It had room for both hands - And some intimate glands, -And was soft as a little duck's fluff. +There was a young man of Devizes +Whose balls were of different sizes. + His tool when at ease, + Hung down to his knees, +Oh, what must it be when it rises! % -A clergical student named Simms -Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: - A nice piece of ass - Gets the B-Minor Mass ... -All the others get Anglican hymns. +There was a young man of Devizes, +Whose balls were of different sizes. + One was so small, + It was nothing at all; +The other took numerous prizes. % -A clerical student named Pryne -Through pain sought to reach the divine: - He wore a hair shirt, - Quite often ate dirt, -And bathed every Friday in brine. - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young man of Dumfries +Who said to his girl, "If you please, + It would give me great bliss + If, while playing with this, +You would pay some attention to these!" % -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. +There was a young man of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + So long was his tool + That it wound round a spool, +And he let it out inach by inach. % -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The goddam thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. +There was a young man of Khartoum +Who lured a poor girl to her doom. + He not only fucked her, + But buggered and sucked her-- +And left her to pay for the room. % -A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : - "On my minuscule salary - I must watch every calorie, -So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +There was a young man of Khartoum, +The strength of whose balls was his doom. + So strong was his shootin', + The third law of Newton +Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. % -A computer called Illiac4 -Had a rather tough bug in its core. - It chewed up its cards - And spewed yards and yards -Of illegible tape on the floor. +There was a young man of Kildare +Who was fucking a girl on the stair. + The bannister broke, + But he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. % -A computer, to print out a fact, -Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, -If the input was short of exact. - -- Gigo +There was a young man of Kutki +Who could blink himself off with one eye. + For a while though, he pined, + When his organ declined +To function, because of a stye. % -A contortionist hailing from Lynch -Used to rent out his tool by the inch. - A foot cost a quid -- - He could and he did -Stretch it to three in a pinch. +There was a young man of Lahore +Whose prick was one inch and no more. + It was all right for key-holes + And little girl's pee-holes, +But not worth a damn with a whore. % -A corpulent maiden named Kroll -Had a notion exceedingly droll: - At a masquerade ball, - Dressed in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker House roll. +There was a young man of Lake Placid +Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. + When he wanted to sport + He would have to resort +To injections of sulphuric acid. % -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. +There was a young man of Madras +Whose balls were constructed of brass. + When jangled together + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. % -A cowhand way out in Seattle -Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. - He said, "No, I can't fuck - A lamb or a duck, -But golly! it just fits the cattle." +There was a young man of Missouri +Who fucked with a terrible fury. + Till hauled into court + For his beastial sport, +And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. % -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. +There was a young man of Natal +And Sue was the name of his gal. + One day, north of Aden, + He got his hard rod in, +And came clear up Suez Canal. % -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. +There was a young man of Natal +Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. + Said she, "You're a sluggard!" + Said he, "You be buggered! +I like to fuck slow and I shall." % -A cute little twerp from Samoa -Had a cock of one inch and no moa. - It was good for keyholes - And debutantes' peeholes -But not worth a damn on a whoa. +There was a young man of Ostend +Who let a girl play with his end. + She took hold of Rover, + And felt it all over, +And it did what she didn't intend. % -A daredevil skater named Lowe, -Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, - But is proudest of doing, - Some incredible screwing, -Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +There was a young man of Ostend +Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. + "It's no use, my duck, + Interrupting our fuck, +For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." % -A deep-throated virgin named Netty -Was sucking a cock on the jetty. - She said, "It tastes nice, - Much better than rice, -Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +There was a young man of Saskatchewan, +Whose penis was truly gargantuan. + It was good for large whores, + And for small dinosaurs, +And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. % -A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : - "I never could quite - Believe till tonight -Our anatomies would coincide." +There was a young man of Seattle +Who bested a bull in a battle. + With fire and gumption + He assumed the bull's function, +And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. % -A dentist, young doctor Malone, -Got a charming girl patient alone, - And, in his depravity, - Filled the wrong cavity. -God, how his practice has grown. +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." % -A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, -With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, - Let his third-story front, - To a willing young cunt, -Who supplied him a new lease on life! +There was a young man of Tibet +-- And this is the strangest one yet -- + His prick was so long, + And so pointed and strong, +He could bugger six sheep en brochette. % -A desperate spinster from Clare -Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, - And prayed to her God - For a romp on the sod-- -'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +There was a young man of Toulouse +Who had a deficient prepuce, + But the foreskin he lacked + He made up in his sac; +The result was, his balls were too loose. % -A distinguished professor from Swarthmore -Got along with a sexy young sophomore. - As quick as a glance - He stripped off his pants, -But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +There was a young man of high station +Who was found by a pious relation + Making love in a ditch + To -- I won't say a bitch -- +But a woman of no reputation. % -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +There was a young man who appeared +To his friends with a full growth of beard; + They at once said, "Although + We can't say why it's so, +The effect is uncommonly weird." + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young man who said "God, +I find it exceedingly odd, + That the willow oak tree + Continues to be, +When there's no one about in the Quad." + +"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, +For I'm always about in the Quad; + And that's why the tree, + Continues to be," +Signed "Yours faithfully, God." % -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +There was a young man with a fiddle +Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" + She replied, "Yes, I do, + But prefer to with two -- +It's twice as much fun in the middle." % -A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - She blew her vagina - To South Carolina, -And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. +There was a young man with a prick +Which into his wife he would stick + Every morning and night + If it stood up all right -- +Not a very remarkable trick. -A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, -Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. - They found her vagina, - In South Carolina, -And part of her ass in Brazil. +His wife had a nice little cunt: +It was hairy, and soft, and in front, + And with this she would fuck him, + Though sometimes she'd suck him -- +A charming, if commonplace, stunt. % -A dolly in Dallas named Alice, -Whose overworked sex is all callous, - Wore the foreskin away - On uncircumcised Ray, -Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +There was a young man with one foot +Who had a very long root. + If he used this peg + As an extra leg +Is a question exceedingly moot. % -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace; - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. +There was a young man, name of Fred, +Who spent every Thursday in bed; + He lay with his feet + Outside of the sheet, +And the pillows on top of his head. -- Edward Gorey % -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace. - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" +There was a young man, name of Saul, +Who was able to bounce either ball, + He could stretch them and snap them, + And juggle and clap them, +Which earned him the plaudits of all. % -A guest in a household quite charmless -Was informed its eccentric was harmless: - "If you're caught unawares - At the head of the stairs, -Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." - -- Edward Gorey +There was a young miss from Johore +Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; + In a manner uncanny + She'd wobble her fanny, +And drain your nuts dry to the core. % -A habit depraved and unsavory -Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery - Midst screeches and howls - He deflowered young owls -Which he kept in an underground aviary +There was a young monk from Siberia +Whose life got drearia' and drearia' + Till he did to a nun + What shouldn't be done +And made her a mother superia'. % -A habit obscene and bizarre, -Has taken a-hold of papa. - He brings home young camels - And other odd mammals, -And gives them a go at mama. +There was a young monk from Tibet +And this is the damnedest one yet + His cock was so long + And incredibly strong +That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. % -A habit obscene and unsavory, -Holds a CS professor in slavery. - With maniacal howls, - He deflowers young owls, -That he keeps in an underground aviary. +There was a young monk in Siberia, +Whose morals were very inferior, + He jumped on a nun + Which he shouldn't have done, +And now she's a Mother Superior. % -A hacker who screwed a mag tape -Was caught and convicted of rape. - To jail he did go, - From which, to his woe -He couldn't get out with ESC. +There was a young monk of Dundee +Who complained that it hurt him to pee, + He said, "Pax vobiscum, + Now why won't the piss come? +I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." % -A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk -Made love to the drive of his disk. - The thing circumcised him, - Which rather surprised him. -He wasn't aware of *that* risk. +There was a young parson of Harwich, +Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. + She said, "No, you young goose, + Just try self-abuse. +And the other we'll try after marriage." % -A programmer down in Moline -Said, I'm the match for any machine. - My secret's aversion, - To loops and recursion, -Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W.J. Wilson +There was a young peasant named Gorse +Who fell madly in love with his horse. + Said his wife, "You rapscallion, + That horse is a stallion -- +This constitutes grounds for divorce." % -A progressive professor named Winners -Held classes each evening for sinners. - They were graded and spaced - So the vile and debased -Would not be held back by beginners. +There was a young person of Kent +Who was famous wherever he went. + All the way through a fuck, + He would quack like a duck, +And he crowed like a cock when he spent. % -A trapper named Francois Lefebrve -Once captured and buggered a beabrve. - The result of this fuck - Was a three titted duck, -A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. +There was a young physicist named Fisk +Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. + So quick was his action, + The Lorentz Contraction +Shortened his rod to a disc !! % -Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, -The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, - Her figurehead They filled his ass, - A whore in bed, With broken glass, -Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. - -The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, -And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, - Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, - Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, -And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. - -The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, -And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, - When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, - And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, -Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! +There was a young plumber named Lee +Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. + She said, "Stop your plumbing, + There's somebody coming" +Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." % -An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, -Saw sartorial changes ahead. - His mind kept on ringing - With fishy girls singing; -Soft fruit also filled him with dread. - -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know, +It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can." % -And let me the canakin clink, clink; -and let me the canakin clink. - A soldier's a man; - O, man's life's but a span, -Why then, let a soldier drink. +There was a young royal marine, +Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". + When he reached the soprano + Out came only guano +And his britches weren't fit to be seen. % -Coitus upon a cadaver -Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. - Her inanimate state - Means a man needn't wait, -And eliminates all the palaver. +There was a young sailor from Brighton +Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole +There's plenty of room in the right'un." % -Cum Hilde autem ambulabat -Homo qui aedificabat. - Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. - Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. -Sed virginem pine necebat. +There was a young sapphic named Anna +Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, + Which she sucked, bit by bit, + From her partner's warm slit, +In the most approved lesbian manner. % -Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? -I know - you don't have to say that! - All you guys want of me - Is a poke where I pee, -And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" +There was a young soldier from Munich +Whose penis hung down past his tunic, + And their chops girls would lick + When they thought of his prick, +But alas! he was only a eunuch. % -Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches -Got on with her grooms and her wenches: - She went down on the gents, - And pronged the girl's vents -With a clitoris reaching six inches. +There was a young sportsman named Peel +Who went for a trip on his wheel; + He pedalled for days + Through crepuscular haze, +And returned feeling somewhat unreal. + -- Edward Gorey % -De Hispanice puella verumque -Simplex oris verborumque - Tulit potens vagina - Hominum agmina -Iterum iterum iterumque. +There was a young squaw of Wohunt +Who possessed a collapsible cunt. + It had many odd uses, + Produced no papooses, +And fitted both giant and runt. % -Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? -He was blown down the street by a rocket. - The force of the blast - Blew his balls up his ass, -And his pecker was found in his pocket. +There was a young student from Yale +Who was getting his first piece of tail. + He shoved in his pole, + But in the wrong hole, +And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" % -DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell -Built a world-circling pussy cartel, - And by planned obsolescence, - So controlled detumescence, -A poor man could not get a smell. +There was a young trollop at Yale, +Who had verses tattooed on her tail, + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +A duplicate version in Braille. +% +There was a young whore from Kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +% +There was a young woman called Pearl +Who quite resembled a churl; + When she asked a young man named Tex + Whether he would like to have sex, +"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" +% +There was a young woman from Bude, +Who went for a swim in the nude, + But a man in a punt, + Grabbed at her elbow, +And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." % -Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, -Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. - Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, - Ich hore Mann kommen." -"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." +There was a young woman in Dee +Who stayed with each man she did see. + When it came to a test + She wished to be best, +And practice makes perfect, you see. % -Ethnologists up with the Sioux -Wired home for two punts, one canoe. - The answer next day, - Said, "Girls on the way, -But what the hell's a `panoe'?" +There was a young woman named Alice +Who peed in a Catholic chalice. + She said, "I do this + From a great need to piss, +And not from sectarian malice." % -Exuberant Sue from Anjou -Found that fucking affected her hue. - She presented to sight - Nipples pink, bottom white; -But her asshole was purple and blue. +There was a young woman named Ells +Who was subject to curious spells + When got up very oddly, + She'd cry out things ungodly +by the palms in expensive hotels. + -- Edward Gorey % -Flappity, floppity, flip -The mouse on the Mobius strip; - The strip revolved, - The mouse dissolved -In a chronodimensional skip. +There was a young woman named Florence +Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, + But they found her in bed + With her cunt flaming red, +And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. % -Fond of equestrians, Mabel -Looked for true love in the stable. - But she found the studs, - For her were all duds, -Now she's out with the leg of a table. +There was a young woman named Plunnery +Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. + Till one day unobservant, + She blew up a servant, +And was forced to retire to a nunnery. + -- Edward Gorey % -For the sores on his prick he used Dial. -That failed; he gave Lava a trial. - But the one remedy - For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +There was a young woman named Sutton +Who said, as she carved up the mutton, + "My father preferred + The last sheep in the herd -- +This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." % -For the sores on his prick he used Dial. -That failed; he gave Lava a trial. - But the one remedy - For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +There was a young woman of Cheadle, +Who once gave the clap to a beadle. + Said she, "Does it itch?" + "It does, you damned bitch, +And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." % -"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, -"You have told me my bosom is snowy; - You have made much fine verse on - Each part of my person, -Now do something -- there's a good boy!" +There was a young woman of Condover +Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. + Her pussy was juicy, + Her arse soft and goosey, +But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. % -Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. -It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. - It makes you sick, it makes you well, - It turns your spine to fucking jell, -It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. +There was a young woman of Croft +Who played with herself in a loft, + Having reasoned that candles + Could never cause scandals, +Besides which they did not go soft. + +Said another young woman of Croft, +Amusing herself in the loft, + "A salami or wurst + Is what I'd choose first -- +With bologna you know you've been boffed." % -God's plan had a great beginning, -But man spoiled his chances by sinning - We trust that the story - Will end in God's glory -But at present the other side's winning. +There was a young woman whose stammer +Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; + But they were not improved + When her husband was moved +To knock out her teeth with a hammer. + -- Edward Gorey % -God's plan made a hopeful beginning -But man spoiled his chances by sinning. - We trust that the story - Will end in God's glory -But at present, the other side's winning. +There was a young woman, quite handsome, +Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. + When she offered much gold + For release, she was told +That the view was worth more than the ransom. % -Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, -Who came to Rumania's rescue? - It's a wonderful thing - To be under a king-- -Is democracy better, I esk you? +There was an Old Man of the Mountain +Who frigged himself into a fountain + Fifteen times had he spent, + Still he wasn't content, +He simply got tired of the counting. % -Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum -Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? - Some people say, - Love finds a way, -But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. +There was an old Scot named McTavish +Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. + The object of rape + Was the wrong sex of ape, +And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. % -Have you heard of the lady named Cox -Who had a capacious old box? - When her lover was in place - She said, "Please turn your face. -I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." +There was an old abbess quite shocked +To find nuns where the candles were locked. + Said the abbess, "You nuns + Should behave more like guns, +And never go off till you're cocked." % -Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham -And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? - How they lift the frock - And tickle the cock -Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? +There was an old bishop from Buckingham +Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. + His wife with distain + Could scarcely restrain +That sprightly old bishop from * * *. % -He hated to mend, so young Ned -Called in a cute neighbor instead. - Her husband said, "Vi, - When you stitched up his torn fly, -Did you have to bite off the thread?" +There was an old count of Swoboda +Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. + So, with great savoir-faire, + She stood on a chair +And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. % -He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy -Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. - Then his gargantuan pole in - Her pink, tight, and swollen -Young cunt just about drove her crazy. +There was an old curate of Hestion +Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. + But so small was his tool + He could scarce screw a spool, +And a cunt was quite out of the question. % -Her brother, a bastard named Ben, -Could rotate his pecker, and then - He would shoot through his rear - Which made him dear -Of the girls, and the envy of men. +There was an old fellow named Art +Who awoke with a horrible start, + For down by his rump + Was a generous lump +Of what should have been just a fart. % -Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, -Had morals the city might soften. - So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, - Are you living in sin?" -Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." +There was an old fellow named Skinner +Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. + But still, by and large, + It would always discharge +Once he could just get it in her. % -His shy bride admitted to Crandall -That for years she'd worked off with a candle, - But a cock like his dick - Gave her ten times the kick, -Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! +There was an old feminine blighter +Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. + She would cream her own pool + While she sucked off his tool -- +How his cock in her cunt would excite her! % -I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing -Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" - I replied, "Simple shagging - Without any wagging -Is only for screwing canoeing." +There was an old gent from Kentuck +Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, + But he put it away + For fear that one day +He might put it in and get stuck. % -"I do love a lay every day, -So whenever you're coming this way - Just phone in advance - And I'll jerk off my pants, -And we're set for a sexy soiree!" +There was an old girl of Kilkenny +Whose usual charge was a penny. + For half of that sum + You could finger her bum-- +A source of amusement to many. % -I met a young man in Chungking -Who had a very long thing -- - But you'll guess my surprise - When I found that its size -Just measured a third-finger ring! +There was an old harlot from Dijon +Who in her old age got religion. + "When I'm dead & gone," + Said she, "I'll take on +The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." % -I never had Miss Defauw, -But it wouldn't have been quite so raw - If she'd only said "No" - When I wanted her so; -But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" +There was an old hermit named Dave +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + He said "I'll admit + I'm a bit of a shit, +But look at the money I save." +% +There was an old lady of Bingly +Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. + I thought I had got + A bloke for my twat, +But he seems rather queenly than kingly." % -I once had the wife of a Dean -Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. - She remarked with some gaiety, - "Not bad for the laiety, -Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." +There was an old lady of Glascow, +Whose party proved quite a fiasco. + At nine-thirty, about, + The lights all went out, +Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. % -I once met a lassie named Ruth -In a long distance telephone booth. - Now I know the perfection - Of an ideal connection -Even if somewhat uncouth. +There was an old lady of Kewry +Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': + The `introitus vaginae', + Was unnaturally tiny, +And the thought of it filled her with fury. % -I once was annoyed by a queer -Who made his intentions quite clear. - Said I, "I'm no prude, - So don't think me rude, -But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." +There was an old lady who lay +With her legs wide apart in the hay, + Then, calling the ploughman, + She said, "Do it now, man! +Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." % -I wish that my room had a floor; -I don't so much care for a door, - But this walking around - Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! - -- Gelett Burgess +There was an old maid from Cape Cod +Who thought all good things came from god. + But it wasn't the almighty + Who lifted her nighty, +It was Roger, the lodger, by god. % -I wish that my room had a floor; -I don't so much care for a door, - But this walking around - Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! - -- Gelett Burgess +There was an old man from Bengal +Who liked to do tricks in the hall. + His favorite trick + Was to stand on his dick +While he rolled around on one ball. % -I wonder what my wife will want tonight; -Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? - I wonder can she tell - That I've been raising hell; -Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? - -My wife is just as nice as can be, -I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. - For an afternoon of joy, - Is hell on the old boy, -I wonder what the wife will want tonight! +There was an old man from Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + Or his fingers and toes +And he came thru a hole in his tooth. % -I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, -I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. - She said it was crude - To be wooed in the nude-- -I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! +There was an old man from Fort Drum +Whose son was incredibly dumb. + When he urged him ahead, + He went down instead, +For he thought to succeed meant succumb. % -I would like to say, Mister Bunce, -I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. - And in all my lewd life - I've met none like your wife, -So why leave her to me, you big dunce? +There was an old man of Alsace +Who played the trombone with his ass. + He put in a trap + To take out the crap, +But the vapors corroded the brass. % -I'd rather have fingers than toes, -I'd rather have ears than a nose, - And a happy erection - Brought just to perfection -Makes me terribly sad when it goes. +There was an old man of Brienz +The length of whose cock was immense: + With one swerve he could plug + A boy's bottom in Zug, +And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. % -If continence causes neurosis -And intercourse causes thrombosis - I'd rather expire - Fulfilling desire -Than live in a state of psychosis. +There was an old man of Cajon +Who never could get a good bone. + With the aid of a gland + It grew simply grand; +Now his wife cannot leave it alone. % -If your thesis is utterly vacuous, -Employ first-order predicate calculus. - With sufficient formality, - The sheerest banality, -Will be hailed by all as miraculous! +There was an old man of Calcutta +Who spied through a chink in the shutter. + But all he could see + Was his wife's bare knee, +And the back of the bloke who was up her. % -If you're speaking of actions immoral -The how about giving the laurel - To doughty Queen Esther, - No three men could best her -- -One fore, and one aft, and one oral. +There was an old man of Connaught +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." % -Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse -D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; - Il la mene chaque soir - A son caveau noir -Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. - -- Edward Gorey +There was an old man of Duddee +Who came home as drunk as could be. + He wound up the clock + With the end of his cock, +And buggered his wife with the key. % -Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, -Qui n'avait que peu de religion. - Il dit:"quant a' moi, - Je deteste tous les trois, -Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" +There was an old man of Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + And with fingers and toes, +And he came through a hole in his tooth. % -Il y avait un plombier, Francois, -Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. - Dit-elle, "Arretez! - J'entends quelqu'un venait." -Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." +There was an old man of Hong Kong +Who never did anything wrong. + He would lie on his back + With his head in a sack +And secretly finger his dong. % -Il y avait une madame de Lahore -Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, - Mais la vagine tres forte, - Toujours ouverte la porte, -Encore, et encore, et encore. +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When asked, "Does it hurt?" + He replied, "No, it doesn't. +I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." + -- W.S. Gilbert % -In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, -Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, - But this lubricant lapse - Isn't noticed, perhaps -Because nobody does in Duluth. +There was an old man of Tagore +Whose tool was a yard long or more, + So he wore the damn thing + In a surgical sling +To keep it from wiping the floor. % -In my sweet little Alice Blue gown -Was the first time I ever laid down, - I was both proud and shy - As he opened his fly -And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. - -Oh it hung almost down to the ground, -As it went in I made not a sound, - The more that he shoved it - The more that I loved it, -As he came on my Alice Blue gown. +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" % -In my sweet little night gown of blue, -On the first night that I slept with you, - I was both shy and scared - As the bed was prepared, -And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. - -As we both watched the break of day, -And in peaceful submission I lay, - You said you adored it - But dammit, you tore it, -My sweet little night gown of blue. +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" % -It takes little strain and no art -To bang out an echoing fart. - The reaction is hearty - When you fart at a party, -But the sensitive persons depart. +There was an old man who said, "Tush! +My balls always hang in the brush, + And I fumble about, + Half in and half out, +With a pecker as limber as mush." % -Love letters no longer they write us, -To their homes they so seldom invite us. - It grieves me to say, - They have learned with dismay, -We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. +There was an old man with a beard +Who said, "It is just what I feared! + Two owls and a hen, + Four larks and a wren +Have all built their nests in my beard!" % -Marlene wanted Joy to relent, -She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. - If you want to get laid, - Then we'll have to tribade!" -(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) +There was an old person of Ware +Who had an affair with a bear. + He explained, "I don't mind, + For it's gentle and kind, +But I wish it had slightly less hair." % -McCoy's a seducer galore, -And of virgins he has quite a score. - He tells them, "My dear, - You're the Final Frontier, -Where man never has gone before." +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates + He fell on his cutlass + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +% +There was an old satyr named Mack +Whose prick had a left handed tack. + If the ladies he loves + Don't spin when he shoves, +Their cervixes frequently crack. % -Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; -Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. - When he's under the weather - They can't get together, -So others get into her box. +There was an old whore from Silesia +Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, + For a slight extra sum + You can go up my bum +But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." % -My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. -I simply can't fuck any more; - I'm covered with sweat, - And you haven't come yet, -And my God, it's a quarter to four! - -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint +There was an old whore in the Azores +Whose body was covered with festers & sores. + Why the dogs in the street + Wouldn't eat the green meat +That hung in festoons from her drawers. % -`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava -I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. - The ship was all white - But it creaked in the night, -And the band, they did not know la java." - -- Edward Gorey +There was an old woman of Ghent +Who swore that her cunt had no scent. + She got fucked so often + At last she got rotten, +And didn't she stink when she spent. % -`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava -I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. - The ship was all white - But it creaked in the night, -And the band, they did not know la java." - -- Edward Gorey +There was once a mechanic named Bench +Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. + With this vibrant device + He could reach, in a trice, +The innermost parts of a wench. % -Oden the bardling averred -His muse was the bum of a bird, - And his Lesbian wife - Would finger his fife -While Fisherwood waited as third. +There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife-- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is, they all do it well. % -Of his face she thought not very much, -But then, at the very first touch, - Her attitude shifted -- - He was terribly gifted -At frigging and fucking and such. +There were three ladies of Huxham, +And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, + And when that game grows stale + We sits on a rail, +And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. % -Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! -Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, - The poor wench doth stammer, - "I need a sledgehammer -To pound a man into my vent." +There were three young ladies of Birmingham, +And this is the scandal concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And tickled the cock +Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. + +Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, +He'd been to a good public school, + So he took down their britches + And buggered those bitches +With his ten-inch episcopal tool. + +Then up spoke a lady from Kew, +And said, as the Bishop withdrew, + "The vicar is quicker + And thicker and slicker, +And longer and stronger than you." + -- Abuses of the Clergy % -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away - -- An example of animal huma. +There's a charming young girl in Tobruk +Who refers to her quiff as a nook. + It's deep and it's wide, + -- You can curl up inside +With a nice easy chair and a book. % -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away -- -An example of animal huma. +There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu +Who's often been screwed by yours truly, + But now--it's appallin'-- + My balls always fall in! +I fear that I've fucked her unduly. % -On a cannibal isle near Malaysia -Lives a lady they call Anastasia. - Not russian elite- - She's eager to eat -Whatever or whoever lays her. +There's a dowager near Sweden Landing +Whose manners are odd and demanding. + It's one of her jests + To suck off her guests -- +She hates to keep gentlemen standing. % -On a ship wrecked far out at sea, -The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." - "Aha!" said the mate, - "That settles the fate -Of the captain, the pilot, and me." +There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock +Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, + But her cunt's got a pucker + That's best not to fuck, or +When least you expect it to, it'll lock. % -Once was a hooker named Gail, -Busted and sent-off to jail, - She liked the jailer, - He wanted to nail her, -So Gail made bail with her tail. +There's a rather odd couple in Herts +Who are cousins (or so each asserts); + Their sex is in doubt + For they're never without +Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. + -- Edward Gorey % -One evening a guru had coitus -With an actress, a whore and a poetess. - When asked what position - He used for coition, -He answered serenely, "the loetus." +There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, +Who's been coxing the varsity crew. + In the shell Sue is great, + But her boyfriend's irate, +When she calls out the stroke as they screw. % -One evening a guru had coitus -With an actress, a whore and a poetess. - When asked what position - He used for coition, -He answered serenely, "the lotus." +There's a tavern in London that's staffed, +By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: + In her striving to please, + She serves ale on her knees, +So the patrons get head with their draft. % -One night a girl had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - His enormous red whang - Gave her a wonderful bang -- -She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. +There's a very hot babe at the Aggies +Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. + The seniors go round + Hanging down to the ground, +And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. % -One night a girl had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - Then she picked up his hat - And realized that -She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. +There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, +Since his shocking perversions are various... + He will bugger some lad + With a dildo (the cad!) +While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" % -Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, -Has invented a new kind of car. - With a tank full of shit - There's no stopping it -- -For short trips, two poots take you far. +There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, +Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. + When one pireg is shot, + There's that alternate twat, +But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. % -Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis -Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. - At her first sight of one - She started to run, -And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. +There's an oversexed lady named Whyte +Who insists on a dozen a night. + A fellow named Cheddar + Had the brashness to wed her- +His chance of survival is slight. % -Pour guerir un acces de fievre -Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; - Il le prit a son trou, - Et fit faire un ragout -Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. +There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, +Exceedingly hard to get onto, + But when you get there, + And have parted the hair, +You can fuck her as much as you want to. +% +They had come in the fugue to the stretto +When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto + Slipped forward and grabbed + Her tresses and stabbed +Her to death with a rusty stiletto. -- Edward Gorey % -Says an airlining wanton named Vi: -"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. - To a muffer's delight, - I'll take head on a flight, -So the guy can have pie in the sky." +Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, +Was to do what man normally does, + She declared, "I'm a Soul- + Not a sexual goal!" +So he shrugged and called someone who was. % -She begged and she pleaded for more. -I said, "We've already had four, - And I'm sure that you've heard, - Though it's somewhat absurd, -That eros spelt backwards is sore." +Though most of the crewmen are whites, +Uhura has full equal rights. + Her crewmates, you see, + Love De-mo-cra-cy, +And the way that she fills out her tights. % -She made a thing of soft leather, -And topped off the end with a feather. - When she poked it inside her - She took off like a glider, -And gave up her lover forever. +Though the invalid Saint of Brac +Lay all of his life on his back, + His wife got her share, + And the pilgrims now stare +At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. % -She stood there and peeled off her clothes, -And begged for a bang : goodness knows - I am surely impure - And I sizzled to scrure, -But the push had gone out of my hose. +To a weepy young woman in Thrums +Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes + Of allowing your tears + To fall into my ears - +I think they have rotted the drums." + -- Edward Gorey % -She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, -When the chain on her motorcycle broke, - Now she's lying in the grass, - With the muffler up her ass, -And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. +To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. +Their fertility was somewhat unstable. + He constructed a bed + Out of tree trunks and said, +"Even adders can multiply on a log table." % -She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." -Not because, when she came in, he kr., - But she knew, just before - She opened the door, -This same Mr. had kr. sr. +To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! +Your cunt is as big as a dish!" + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool +It's like driving a nail with a fish!" % -She wasn't what one could call pretty -And other girls offered her pity, - So nobody guessed - That her Wasserman test -Involved half the men in the city. +To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : +"I trust you will show some forbearance. + My sexual habits + I picked up from rabbits, +And occasionally watching my parents." % -Sighed a neat little package named Annie : -"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, - Plus the yen, but the men - Only call now and then-- -Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" +To his bride said economist Fife : +"The semen you'll launch as my wife, + We will salvage and freeze + To resemble goat's cheese, +And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." % -"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, -"Come on, take it out, and let's play." - He pulled it on out, - But she started to pout, -His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. +To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Has the east tit the least bit + The best of the west tit, +Or is it the faulty perspective?" % -So here was this fellow of Strensall -Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, - Anemic, 'tis true, - But an interesting screw, -Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. +To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Is your east tit the least bit + The best of your west tit, +Or is it a trick of perspective?" % -The world is so full of a number of things, -I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. - I'll tell you a story-- - It won't take me long-- -Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. - -There was an old fellow and what do you think? -He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. - He whacked it, he hacked it, - He ate it with glee- -Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? +To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, +As he poured his post-prandial tipple, + "Your mother's behaviour + Gave pain to Our Saviour, +And that's why He made you a cripple." + -- Edward Gorey +% +Two anglers were fishing off Wight +And his bobber was dipping all night. + Murmured she, with a laugh, + "It's ready to gaff, +But don't break your rod which is light." -This charming old chap had a sister as well : -She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. - Her cunt was so dirty - It stank like a beast, -And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. -What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! -I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. - Their odor and diet - Won't soon be forgotten, -And one day you and I may be equally rotten. -% -There are some things we mustn't expose, -So we hide them away in our clothes. - Oh, it's shocking to stare - At what's certainly there-- -But why this is so, heaven knows. +As two consular clerks in Madras +Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, + "What a marvelous pole," + Said she, "but control +Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." % -There is a young faggot named Mose -Who insists that you fuck his long nose. - And you'll double the joy - Of this lecherous boy -If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. +Two eager young men from Cawnpore +Once buggared and fucked the same whore. + But her partition split + And the blood and the shit +Rolled out in a mess on the floor. % -There is a young lady named Aird, -Whose bottom is always kept bared. - When asked why she pouts, - She says "The Boy Scouts, -All beg me to please Be Prepared!" +Two roosters in one of our pens +Found their pricks were no larger than wens. + As they looked at their foreskins + And wished they had more skins, +They discovered they'd both become hens. % Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; @@ -6367,6 +5959,30 @@ S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. -- Edward Gorey % +Under the spreading chestnut tree +The village smith he sat, + Amusing himself + By abusing himself +And catching the load in his hat. +% +Une joile epousetta a Tours +Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. + Mais le mari disait, "Non! + De trop n'est pas bon! +Mon derriere exige du secours!" +% +Visas erat: huic geminarum +Dispar modus testicularum: + Minor haec nihili, + Palma triplici, +Jam fecerat altera clarum. +% +We dedicate this to the cunt, +The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : + All hail to the twat, + Willing, thrilling, and hot, +That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! +% We sailed on the good ship Venus, My God, you should have seen us With a figurehead @@ -6415,9 +6031,102 @@ By all of the lads in his class "Now the novelty's gone And it's only a pain in the ass." % -"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, -"And told my wife to try it on top. - She bounced for an hour, - Till she ran out of power, -And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." +When I was a baby, my penis +Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. + But now 'tis as red + As her nipples instead-- +All because of the feminine genus! +% +When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, +Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, + "Was he modest or vain?" + "Was he regal or plain?" +She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" +% +When you fuck little Annie in Anza +You get a great bossom bonanza: + Sucking Annie's soft tits + Makes her throw fifty fits, +And the fuck is a sextravaganza! +% +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +% +While Titian was mixing rose madder, +His model reclined on a ladder. + Her position to Titian + Suggested coition, +So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. +% +While his duchess lay practically dead, +The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: + "Can it be this is all? + How puny! How small! +Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." + -- Edward Gorey +% +While out on a date in his Fiat, +The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" + As he bent down to seek, + She let out a shriek: +"That's not where it's likely to be at." +% +While spending the winter at Pau +Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." + So the head-porter made her + And the second-cook laid her; +The waiters were all hanging low. +% +While travelling in farthest Tibet, +Lord Irongate found cause to regret + The buttered-up tea, + A pain in his knee, +And the frivolous tourists he met. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Winter is here with his grouch, +The time when you sneeze and you slouch. + You can't take your women + Canoein' or swimmin', +But a lot can be done on a couch. +% +With his penis in turgid erection, +And aimed at woman's mid-section, + Man looks most uncouth + In that Moment of Truth, +But she sheathes it with loving affection. +% +You Women's Lib gals won't agree, +But dependent on men you must be: + You'll need a him + With a rod firm and trim, +To puggle your water-drains free! +% +You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, +Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : + He buggers the choir + As they sing "Ave Maria," +And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. +% +Young Frederick the great was a beaut. +To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. + If you'll come to my palace, + I'll finger your phallus, +And then I shall blow on your flute." +% +`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava +I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. + The ship was all white + But it creaked in the night, +And the band, they did not know la java." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A bad little girl in Madrid, +A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, +And the worst of it was that it did! % -- cgit v1.2.3-56-ge451