From b5d964818fa913232f654a2fa2e71aa7676d6360 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: hwr Date: Sun, 12 Sep 1999 10:15:46 +0000 Subject: Split limericks into "normal" and "offensive" ones. Fixes PR 6202 by Matthias Grutzeck . --- fortune/datfiles/Makefile | 17 +- fortune/datfiles/limerick | 44 + fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake | 2 + fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real | 5325 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ fortune/datfiles/limerick.fake | 2 - fortune/datfiles/limerick.real | 5388 -------------------------------------- 6 files changed, 5380 insertions(+), 5398 deletions(-) create mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/limerick create mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake create mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real delete mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/limerick.fake delete mode 100644 fortune/datfiles/limerick.real (limited to 'fortune/datfiles') diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/fortune/datfiles/Makefile index f4626c12..a429b4c7 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/Makefile +++ b/fortune/datfiles/Makefile @@ -1,12 +1,12 @@ -# $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.23 1999/08/04 22:45:09 thorpej Exp $ +# $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.24 1999/09/12 10:15:46 hwr Exp $ # @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94 .include # for INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES -SRCFILES= fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy unamerican +SRCFILES= fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy unamerican-o limerick DATFILES= fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \ fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat fortunes2-o fortunes2-o.dat \ - limerick limerick.dat unamerican unamerican.dat + limerick.dat limerick-o.dat unamerican-o unamerican-o.dat # TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, RUN 'make' with # "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO", or set "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO" @@ -33,12 +33,13 @@ all: ${DATFILES} # Normal fortunes: build directly from data files. -fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat: +fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat limerick.dat: ${STRFILE} -rs ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET} fortunes.dat: fortunes fortunes2.dat: fortunes2 startrek.dat: startrek zippy.dat: zippy +limerick.dat: limerick # Obscene fortunes: we have to build source and data files @@ -52,14 +53,14 @@ fortunes2-o: fortunes2-o.${TYPE} fortunes2-o.dat: fortunes2-o ${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} -limerick: limerick.${TYPE} +limerick-o: limerick-o.${TYPE} tr [a-zA-Z] [n-za-mN-ZA-M] < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET} -limerick.dat: limerick +limerick-o.dat: limerick-o ${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} -unamerican: unamerican.${TYPE} +unamerican-o: unamerican-o.${TYPE} tr [a-zA-Z] [n-za-mN-ZA-M] < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET} -unamerican.dat: unamerican +unamerican-o.dat: unamerican-o ${STRFILE} -rsx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/fortune/datfiles/limerick new file mode 100644 index 00000000..0dccb1ff --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +A computer called Illiac4 +Had a rather tough bug in its core. + It chewed up its cards + And spewed yards and yards +Of illegible tape on the floor. +% +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace; + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A hacker who screwed a mag tape +Was caught and convicted of rape. + To jail he did go, + From which, to his woe +He couldn't get out with ESC. +% +A linguist thought it a farce +That memory space was so sparse. + One day they increased it. + Said he as he seized it: +"At last! Enough core for the parse". +% +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. +% +A very intelligent turtle +Found programming UNIX a hurdle + The system, you see, + Ran as slow as did he, +And that's not saying much for the turtle. +% diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake new file mode 100644 index 00000000..3b3f5a3d --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this +system. For further details, contact your system administrator. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1798d23c --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -0,0 +1,5325 @@ +A bad little girl in Madrid, +A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, +And the worst of it was that it did! +% +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% +A beautiful belle of Del Norte +Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty + Because during the day + She says: "Boys, keep away!" +But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. +% +A beautiful lady named Psyche +Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. + One thing about Ike + The lady can't like +Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. +% +A beetling young woman named Pridgets +Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; + Off the end of a wharf + She once pushed a dwarf +Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression +Sold cigars at a key-club concession. + When she swiveled about + Even strong men cried out, +For her costume did not keep her flesh in. +% +A bobby of Nottingham Junction +Whose organ had long ceased to function + Deceived his good wife + For the rest of her life +With the aid of his constable's truncheon. +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was diddling a collie- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was fucking a collie -- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A burleyque dancer, a pip +Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; + But she read science fiction + And died of constriction +Attempting a Moebius strip. + -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" +% +A busy young lady named Gloria +Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +A cabin boy on an old clipper +Grew steadily flipper and flipper. + He plugged up his ass + With fragments of glass +And thus circumcised his old skipper. +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +Without even leaving his grodge. +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge, +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + With his date all strapped in + He committed a sin +Without even leaving the garage. + -- "A Boy and His Dog" +% +A cautious young fellow named Tunney +Had a whang that was worth any money. + When eased in half-way, + The girl's sigh made him say, +"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." +% +A certain young man, it was noted, +Went about in the heat thickly-coated; + He said, "You may scoff, + But I shan't take it off; +Underneath I am horribly bloated." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A certain young person of Ghent, +Uncertain if lady or gent, + Shows his organs at large + For a small handling charge +To assist him in paying the rent. +% +A certain young sheik of Algiers +Said to his harem, "My dears, + Though you may think it odd of me, + I'm tired of just sodomy +Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) +% +A chap down in Oklahoma +Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, + But the sweetness of pitch + Couldn't put off the hitch +Of impotence, size and aroma. +% +A charmer from old Amarillo, +Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, + Decided one day + That to keep men away +She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. +% +A chippy who worked in Black Bluff +Had a pussy as large as a muff. + It had room for both hands + And some intimate glands, +And was soft as a little duck's fluff. +% +A clerical student named Pryne +Through pain sought to reach the divine: + He wore a hair shirt, + Quite often ate dirt, +And bathed every Friday in brine. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The fuckin' thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The goddam thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A cocksucking steno named Beeman +Remarked as she swallowed my semen : + "On my minuscule salary + I must watch every calorie, +So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +% +A contortionist hailing from Lynch +Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did +Stretch it to three in a pinch. +% +A corpulent maiden named Kroll +Had a notion exceedingly droll: + At a masquerade ball, + Dressed in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker House roll. +% +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. +% +A cowhand way out in Seattle +Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, +But golly! it just fits the cattle." +% +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +% +A cute little twerp from Samoa +Had a cock of one inch and no moa. + It was good for keyholes + And debutantes' peeholes +But not worth a damn on a whoa. +% +A daredevil skater named Lowe, +Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, + But is proudest of doing, + Some incredible screwing, +Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +% +A deep-throated virgin named Netty +Was sucking a cock on the jetty. + She said, "It tastes nice, + Much better than rice, +Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +% +A delighted, incredulous bride +Remarked to her groom at her side : + "I never could quite + Believe till tonight +Our anatomies would coincide." +% +A dentist, young doctor Malone, +Got a charming girl patient alone, + And, in his depravity, + Filled the wrong cavity. +God, how his practice has grown. +% +A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, +With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, + Let his third-story front, + To a willing young cunt, +Who supplied him a new lease on life! +% +A desperate spinster from Clare +Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, + And prayed to her God + For a romp on the sod-- +'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +% +A distinguished professor from Swarthmore +Got along with a sexy young sophomore. + As quick as a glance + He stripped off his pants, +But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, +And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. + +A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, +Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. + They found her vagina, + In South Carolina, +And part of her ass in Brazil. +% +A dolly in Dallas named Alice, +Whose overworked sex is all callous, + Wore the foreskin away + On uncircumcised Ray, +Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +% +A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, +Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, + Had achieved some reknown + For her tone going down-- +There's a nice civil tongue in her head. +% +A fair-haired young damsel named Grace +Thought it very, very foolish to place + Her hand on your cock + When it turned hard as rock, +For fear it would explode in your face. +% +A farmer I know named O'Doole +Had a long and incredible tool. + He can use it to plow, + Or to diddle a cow, +Or just as a cue-stick at pool. +% +A fellatrix's healthful condition +Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. + Her remarkable diet + (I suggest that you try it) +Was only her clients' emission. +% +A fellow whose surname was Hunt +Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: + This versatile spout + Could be turned inside out, +Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. +% +A fisherman off of Cape Cod +Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" + But the high-minded fish + Resented his wish, +And nimbly swam off with his rod. +% +A foolish geologist from Kissen +Just didn't know what he was missin', + By studying rock + And neglecting his cock, +And using it merely for pissin'. +% +A Frenchman who lived in Alsace +Had sex with a virgin named Grace. + When he popped her cherry, + She made things hairy +By bleeding all over his face. +% +A frustrated lady named Alice +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + They found her vagina + In North Carolina +And bits of her tits were in Dallas. +% +A gay young prince from Morocco +Made love in a manner rococco. + He painted his penis + To resemble a venus +And flavored his semen with cocoa. +% +A geneticist living in Delft +Scientifically played with himself, + And when he was done + He labled it: son, +And filed him away on a shelf. +% +A geneticist living in Delft +Scientifically played with himself, + And when he was done + He labled it: son, +And filed him away on a shelf. +A gentleman, otherwise meek, +Detested with passion the leek; + When offered one out + He dealt such a clout +To the maid, she was down for a week. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A gentleman, otherwise meek, +Detested with passion the leek; + When offered one out + He dealt such a clout +To the maid, she was down for a week. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A german composer named Bruckner +Remarked to a lady while fuckener : + "Less lento, my dear, + With your cute little rear; +I like a hot presto when muckener!" +% +A gift was delivered to Laura +From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; + Wrapped in tissue and crepe, + It was peeled, like a grape, +And emitted a pale, greenish aura. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A gifted young fellow from Sparta +Was widely renowned as a farta'. + He could fart anything + From "Of Thee I Sing," +To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." +% +A girl camper once had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + When she gave him his hat + She realized that +She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. +% +A girl of the Enterprise crew +Refused every offer to screw. + But a Vulcan named Spock + Crawled under her smock, +And now she is eating for two. +% +A girl of uncertain nativity +Had an ass of extreme sensitivity + While she sat on the lap + Of a German or Jap, +She could sense Fifth Column activity. +% +A graduate student named Zac +Was said to be great in the sack. + An inch of his boner + Put girls in a coma +And two gave them epileptic attacks. +% +A graduate student named Zac +Was said to be great in the sack. + An inch of his boner + Put girls in a coma +And two gave them epileptic attacks. +% +A greedy young lady from Sidney +Liked it in up to her kidney, + Till a man from Quebec + Shoved it up to her neck-- +He really diddled her, didn' he? +% +A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds +Once swallowed a package of seeds. + In a month, his ass + Was covered with grass +And his balls were grown over with weeds. +% +A guest in a household quite charmless +Was informed its eccentric was harmless: + "If you're caught unawares + At the head of the stairs, +Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A habit depraved and unsavory +Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery + Midst screeches and howls + He deflowered young owls +Which he kept in an underground aviary +% +A habit obscene and bizarre, +Has taken a-hold of papa. + He brings home young camels + And other odd mammals, +And gives them a go at mama. +% +A habit obscene and unsavory, +Holds a CS professor in slavery. + With maniacal howls, + He deflowers young owls, +That he keeps in an underground aviary. +% +A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk +Made love to the drive of his disk. + The thing circumsized him, + Which rather suprised him. +He wasn't aware of *that* risk. +% +A handsome young rodent named Gratian +As a lifeguard became a sensation. + All the lady mice waved + And screamed to be saved +By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. +% +A happy old hooker named Grace +Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. + It was hard for beginners + To tell who were winners : +There were cunt hairs all over the place. +% +A hardware debugger named Court +Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. + But its buffer array + Only handled 1K, +So the port's driver cut it off short. +% +A haughty young wench of Del Norte +Would fuck only men over forty. + Said she, "It's too quick + With a young fellow's prick; +I like it to last, and be warty." +% +A headstrong young woman in Ealing +Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; + When quizzed why she did, + She replied, "To be rid +Of a strange, overpowering feeling." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A hearty young fellow named Yost +Once had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of the spasm + The poor ectoplasm +Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." +% +A hearty young fellow named Yost +Once had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of the spasm + The poor ectoplasm +Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." +% +A hidebound young virgin named Carrie +Would say, when the fellows got hairy : + "Keep your prick in your pants + Till the end of this dance--" +Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. +% +A highly aesthetic young Jew +Had eyes of a heavenly blue; + The end of his dillie + Was shaped like a lilly, +And his balls were too utterly two! +% +A highway patrol buff named Claire, +Once screwed half a troop on a dare, + And her parts grew so hot, + There was steam on her twat, +So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! +% +A horny young fellow named Reg, +Was jerking off under a hedge. + The gardener drew near + With a huge pruning shear, +And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. +% +A huge-organed female in Dallas, +Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, + Was virgo intacto, + Because, ipso facto, +No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. +% +A joker who haunts Monticello +Is really a terrible fellow. + In the midst of caresses + He fills ladies dresses +With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. +% +A lacklustre lady of Brougham +Weaveth all night at her loom. + Anon she doth blench + When her lord and his wench +Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. +% +A lad, at his first copulation, +Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, + Gyration, elation + Throughout the duration, +I guess I'll give up masturbation." +% +A lad from far-off Transvaal +Was lustful, but tactful withal. + He'd say, just for luck, + "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" +But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. +% +A lad of the brainier kind +Had erogenous zones in his mind. + He got his sensations, + By solving equations, +(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) +% +A lady born under a curse +Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; + From the back she would wail + Through a thickness of veil: +"Things do not get better, but worse." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady both callous and brash +Met a man with a vast black moustache; + She cried, "Shave it, O do! + And I'll put it with glue +On my hat as a sort of panache." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady from Kalamazoo +Once found she had nothing to do, + So she sat on the stairs + And she counted her hairs: +4,302. +% +A lady from Old Little Rock +In fidelity took little stock, + And deserted her man + In the streets of Japan +For a boy with a prehensile cock. +% +A lady removing her scanties, +Heard them crackle electrical chanties. + Said her beau, "Have no fear, + For the reason is clear: +You simply have amps in your panties. +% +A lady stockholder quite hetera +Decided her fortune to bettera: + On the floor, quite unclad, + She successively had +Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... +% +A lady was seized with intent +To revise her existence misspent. + So she climbed up the dome + Of St. Peter's in Rome, +Where she stayed through the following Lent. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady while dining at Crewe +Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout, + And don't wave it about, +Or the others will all want one too." +% +A lady, while dining in Crewe, +Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout + Or wave it about +Or the others will ask for one, too." +% +A lady who signs herself "Vexed" +Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: + "I don't mind my shins + Being stuck full of pins, +But I fear I am coming unsexed." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady with features cherubic +Was famed for her area pubic. + When they asked her its size + She replied in surprise, +"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" +% +A lass at the foot of her class +Asked a brainier chick how to pass. + She replied, "With no fuss + You can get a B-plus, +By letting the prof pat your ass." +% +A lecherous barkeep named Dale, +After fucking his favorite female, + Mixed Drambuie and scotch + With the cream in her crotch +For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. +% +A licentious old justice of Salem +Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. + But instead of a fine + He would stand them in line, +With his common-law tool to impale 'em. +% +A limerick packs laughs anatomical +Into space that is quite economical. + But the good ones I've seen + So seldom are clean, +And the clean ones so seldom are comical. +% +A lonely young lad of Eton +Used always to sleep with the heat on, + Till he ran into a lass + Who showed him her ass -- +Now they sleep with only a sheet on. +% +A lovely young diver named Nancy, +Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, + The fish of Bonaire, + Watched her Derriere, +And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. +% +A lovely young maid from St. Jude +Once rode through the streets in the nude. + The police cried, "Whatam-- + Agnificent bottom" +And slapped it as hard as they could. +% +A lovely young maid from St. Jude +Once rode through the streets in the nude. + The police cried, "Whatam-- + Agnificent bottom" +And slapped it as hard as they cude. +% +A lusty young maid from Seattle +Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; + Till she found a bull + Who filled her so full +It made both her ovaries rattle. +% +A lusty young woodsman of Maine +For years with no woman had lain, + But he found sublimation + At a high elevation +In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! +% +A madam who ran a bordello +Put come in her pineapple jello, + For the rich, sexy taste + And not wanting to waste +That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. +% +A maestro directing in Rome +Had a quaint way of driving it home. + Whoever he climbed + Had to keep her tail timed +To the beat of his old metronome. +% +A maiden who lived in Virginny +Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. + The horsey set rushed her, + But success finally crushed her +For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. +% +A maiden who travelled in France +Once got on a train, just by chance. + The engineer fucked her, + The conductor sucked her, +And the fireman came in his pants. +% +A maiden who wrote of big cities +Some songs full of love, fun and pities, + Sold her stuff at the shop + Of a musical wop +Who played with her soft little titties. +% +A man was once heard to boast, +That he received a parcel by post, + It contained, so we heard, + A magnificent turd, +And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. +% +A marine being sent to Hong Kong +Got a doctor to alter his dong. + He sailed off with a tool + Flat and thin as a rule - +When he got there he found he was wrong. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Had a hexhedronical ball, + And the square of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight, +Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Has a hexahedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight +Is his phone number -- give him a call... +% +A mathematician named Klein +Thought the Mobius band was divine. + Said he, "If you glue + The edges of two, +You'll get a weird bottle like mine! +% +A middle-aged codger named Bruin +Found his love life completely in ruin, + For he flirted with flirts + Wearing pants and no skirts, +And he never got in for no screwin'. +% +A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, +Who was lonely and wanted a futter. + She had nowhere to turn, + So she diddled a churn, +And managed to come with the butter. +% +A mortician who practised in Fife +Made love to the corpse of his wife. + "How could I know, Judge? + She was cold, did not budge-- +Just the same as she'd acted in life." +% +A nasty old drunk in Carmel +Thinks it funny to piss in the well. + He says, "Some don't favor + That unusual flavor, +But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" +% +A nervous young fellow named Fred +Took a charming young widow to bed. + When he'd diddled a while + She remarked with a smile, +"You've got it all in but the head." +% +A new dramatist of the absurd +Has a voice that will shortly be heard. + I learn from my spies + He's about to devise +An unprintable three-letter word. +% +A newlywed couple from Goshen +Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. + In twenty-eight days + They got laid eighty ways -- +Imagine such fucking devotion! +% +A newly-wed man of Peru +Found himself in a terrible stew: + His wife was in bed + Much deader than dead, +And so he had no one to screw. +% +A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, +In the pleasures of men was well-versed. + Reads the sign o'er the head + Of her well-rumpled bed +"The customer always comes first." +% +A novice was told by the Abbot: +"Consider the goat and the rabbit. + While they roll in the hay + You just stay home and pray. +You've got to get out of that habit." +% +A nudist resort at Benares +Took a midget in all unawares. + But he made members weep + For he just couldn't keep +His nose out of private affairs. +% +A nurse motivated by spite +Tied her infantine charge to a kite; + She launched it with ease + On the afternoon breeze, +And watched till it flew out of sight. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A pansy who lived in Khartoum +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, with which, and to whom. +% +A passionate red-haired girl +When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, + And her twat would get wet, + And would wiggle and fret, +And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. +% +A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux +Fell in love with a dashing young beau. + To arrest his regard + She would squat in his yard +And longingly pee in the sneaux. +% +A petulant man once said, "Pish, +Your cunt is as big as a dish." + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool, +It's like driving a pin with a fish." +% +A physical fellow named Fisk +Could screw at a rate very brisk. + So fast was his action + The Fitzgerald contraction +Would shrink up his rod to a disk. +% +A pious old woman named Tweak +Had taught her vagina to speak. + It was frequently liable + To quote from the Bible, +But when fucking -- not even a squeak! +% +A pious young lady named Finnegan +Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; + So time it aright, + Make it last through the night, +For I certainly don't want to sin again!" +% +A pious young lady of Chichester +Made all of the saints in their niches stir + And each morning at matin + Her breast in pink satin +Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. +% +A playful young chemist named Byrd +Had an urge that could not be deferred. + So to irritate Knox + He shit in his sox, +And plastered the walls with his turd. +% +A plumber whose name was John Brink +Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. + Her resistance was stout, + And John Brink petered out, +With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. +% +A potter who lived in Bombay +Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; + But the heat of his prick + Kilned the damn thing to brick +And chafed all his foreskin away. +% +A pretty wife living in Tours +Demanded her daily amour. + But the husband said, "No! + It's to much. Let it go! +My backsides are dragging the floor." +% +A pretty young boy known as Kevin +Was raped in a pasture by seven + Lascivious beasts + (Oh, those Anglican priests) +And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young maiden from France +Decided she'd "just take a chance." + She let herself go + For an hour or so, +And now all her sisters are aunts. +% +A princess who lived near a bog +Met a prince in the form of a frog. + Now she and her prince + Are the parents of quints, +Four boys and one fine polliwog. +% +A princess who reigned in Baroda +Made her home on a purple pagoda. + She festooned the walls + Of her halls with the balls +And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. +% +A programmer down in Moline +Said, I'm the match for any machine. + My secret's aversion, + To loops and recursion, +Just acres of in-line routine. + -- W.J. Wilson +% +A rapist who reeked of cheap booze +Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. + She cried, "I suppose + There's no time for my clothes, +But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" +% +A rapturous young fellatrix +One day was at work on five pricks. + With an unholy cry + She whipped out her glass eye: +"Tell the boys I can now take on six." +% +A reckless young lady of France +Had no qualms about taking a chance, + But she thought it was crude + To get screwed in the nude, +So she always went home with damp pants. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians, +They have such peculiar diversions. + They screw the whole day + In the regular way, +And save up the nights for perversions. +% +A responsive young girl from the East +In bed was an able artiste. + She had learned two positions + From family physicians, +And ten more from the old parish priest. +% +A romantic attraction has clung +To a chap of whom damsels have sung: + "'Tis the Scourge from the East, + That lascivious beast +Who was known as Attila the Hung!" +% +A sailor who slept in the sun, +Woke to find his fly buttons undone, + He remarked with a smile, + "Good grief, a sun-dial! +And now it's a quarter-past one." +% +A savvy young hooker named Gail +Got busted and lodged in the jail. + But the jailer got hot, + To be lodged in her twat, +And so Gail made the bail with her tail. +% +A scandal involving an oyster +Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister + She preferred it, in bed, + To the count (so she said) +'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. +% +A scream from the crypt of St. Giles +Resounded for miles upon miles. + Said the friar, "Good gracious, + The brother Ignatious +Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." +% +A seafaring hacker named Slatey +Went to bed with a VAX/780. + The thing's learned to swear + With a nautical air, +And refers to its users as "matey". +% +A sex-loving coed named Bree +Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. + The joystick, she found, + Had been fooling around +With a neighboring student's PC. +% +A silly young man from Hong Kong +Had hands that were skinny and long. + He ate rice with his fingers-- + The taste of it lingers, +But now all his fingers are gone. +% +A slick talking pirate named Bruce +To steal code, had a plan to seduce + An Apple II+. + Now Bruce wears a truss +And was jailed for computer abuse. +% +A software technician from Digital +Had hardware extremely prodigical. + It's rumoured, I hear, + That when he was near +He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. +% +A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, +Made love to a lovely girl sentry. + She started to pout, + Because it fell out, +But the mission was saved by re-entry. +% +A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, +His moment of sexual truth. + He'd expected to fall + On a womb's spongy wall +But was dashed to his death on a tooth. +% +A spinster in Kalamazoo +Once strolled after dark by the zoo. + She was seized by the nape, + And fucked by an ape, +And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." + +And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, +But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry + A man with a prick + Half as stiff and as thick +As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." +% +A spunky young schoolboy named Fred +Used totoss off each night while in bed. + Said his mother, "Dear lad, + That's exceedingly bad-- +Jump in here with your mamma instead." +% +A starship commander named Kirk +Emerged from his cabin berserk. + He grabbed a girl yeoman + Beneath the abdomen, +And gave her a physical jerk. +% +A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, +Was having a captive, a person + Who was not averse + Though she had the curse, +And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. +% +A structured programmer named Drew +Was intensely turned on by "goto". + When he saw it in code + He'd shoot off his load. +It's a good thing his shop used so few. +% +A studious professor named Nestor +Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. + But she drained out his balls + And skipped up the walls, +Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. +% +A sweetheart named Teresa Arden +Went down on her beau in the garden. + He said, "Good lord, Tess, + Don't swallow that mess " +And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" +% +A sweetheart named Teresa Arden +Went down on her beau in the garden. + He said, "Good lord, Tess, + Don't swallow that mess!" +And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" +% +A systems programmer named Sprotic +Found his software intensely erotic. + In jealous distress + He wiped his OS. +It's possible that he's psychotic. +% +A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, +Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. + While the man detumesced + She still spent on with zest, +Her rapture sheer anachronism. +% +A talented girl from Detroit +Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point or finer +Or open it out like a quoit. +% +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called te umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% +A teenage protester named Lil +Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill + First they bugged our martinis, + Our bras and bikinis, +And now they are bugging the pill." +% +A thrice-married gal from L.A. +Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, + 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, + The voyeur only gawked at it, +And my most recent man's a gourmet." +% +A tidy young lady of Streator +Dearly loved to nibble a peter. + She always would say, + "I prefer it this way. +I think it is very much neater." +% +A timid young woman named Jane +Found parties a terrible strain; + With movements uncertain + She'd hide in a curtain +And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A tired young trollop of Nome +Was worn out from her toes to her dome. + Eight miners came screwing, + But she said, "Nothing doing; +One of you has to go home!" +% +A trapper named Francois Lefebrve +Once captured and buggered a beabrve. + The result of this fuck + Was a three titted duck, +A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. +% +A tutor who tooted a flute +Tried to tutor two tutors to toot + Said the two to the tutor: + "Is it harder to toot or +To tutor two tutors to toot" +% +A vengeful technician named Schmitz +Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. + He covered the platter + With bats' fecal matter. +Now it's seek time is really the pits. +% +A very odd pair are the Pitts: +His balls are as large as her tits, + Her tits are as large + As an invasion barge-- +Neither knows how the other cohabits. +% +A wanton young lady from Wimley +Reproached for not acting quite primly + Said, "Heavens above! + I know sex isn't love, +But it's such an entrancing facsimile." +% +A water pipe suited miss Hunt; +She used it for many a bunt. + But the unlucky wench + Got it caught in her trench --- +It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, +To get the thing out of her cunt. +% +A water pipe suited miss Hunt; +She used it for many a bunt. + But the unlucky wench + Got it caught in her trench --- +It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, +To get the thing out of her cunt. +% +A weary old lecher named Blott +Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. + Too lazy to rape her, + He made darts out of paper, +Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. +% +A whimsical fellow named Bloch +Could beat the base drum with his cock. + With a special erection + He could play a selection +From Johann Sebastian Bach. +% +A wicked stone cutter named Cary +Drilled holes in divine statuary. + With eyes full of malice + He pulled out his phallus, +And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. +% +A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket +Had a hole as big as a basket. + A spot, as a bride, + In it now, you could hide, +And include with your luggage your mascot. +% +A widow whose singular vice +Was to keep her late husband on ice + Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- + I'll never defrost him! +Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." +% +A wonderful bird is the pelican. +His mouth can hold more than his belican. + He can take in his beak + Enough food for a week. +And I'm darned if I know how the helican. +% +A wonderful bird is the pelican. +His mouth can hold more than his belican. + He can take in his beak + Enough food for a week. +I'm darned if I know how the helican. +% +A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, +Renowned for the length of their peenies. + The hair on their balls + Sweeps the floors of their halls, +But they don't look at women, the meanies. +% +A wood-fetish busboy named Gable +Is rapid, is thorough, is able; + But when everything's cleared, + He gives way to the weird, +As he lovingly busses each table. +% +A worn-out young husband named Lehr +Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: + "Slip on a sheath, quick, + Then slip your big dick +Between these lips covered with hair." +% +A worried young man from Stamboul +Discovered red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." +% +A worried young man from Stamboul +Founds lots of red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic; +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" +% +A young bride and groom of Australia +Remarked as they joined genitalia : + "Though the system seems odd, + We are thankful that God +Developed the genus Mammalia." +% +A young fellow discovered through Freud +That although of penis devoid, + He could practice coitus + By eating a foetus, +And his parents were quite overjoyed. +% +A young Juliet of St. Louis +On a balcony stood acting screwy. + Her Romeo climbed, + But he wasn't well timed, +And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! +% +A young lad named Lester McGraw +Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. + As he watched him stick her + He said, with a snicker, +"You do it much faster than Paw." +% +A young lady sat by the sea, +Just as proper as proper could be. + A young fellow goosed her, + And roughly seduced her, +So she thanked him and went home to tea. +% +A young lady who lived by the Usk +Subsisted each day on a rusk; + She ate the first bite + Before it was light, +And the last crumb sometime after dusk. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young lass got married at Chester; +Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. + Said she, "You're in luck -- + 'E's a stunning good fuck, +For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." +% +A young maiden from France was no prude, +She decided to dive in the nude, + But her buddy, behind, + Went out of his mind, +When he noticed where she was tatooed. +% +A young man by a girl was desired +To give her the thrills she required, + But he died of old age + Ere his cock could assuage +The volcanic desire it inspired. +% +A young man from the banks of the Po +Found his cock had elongated so, + That when he'd pee + It was never he +But only his neighbors who'd know. +% +A young man grew increasingly peaky +In a house where the hinges were squeaky, + The ferns curled up brown, + The ceilings flaked down, +And all of the faucets were leaky. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young man maintained that his trigger +Was so big that there weren't any bigger. + But this long and thick pud + Was so heavy it could +Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. +% +A young man of acumen and daring, +Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, + Was left quite alone + When it soon became known +That their use at his board was unsparing. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll +While bent over plucking a dingle + Had the whole of Eisteddfod + Taking turns at his pod +While they sang some impossible jingle. +% +A young man with passions quite gingery +Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. + He slapped her behind + And made up his mind +To add incest to insult and injury. +% +A young polo-player of Berkeley +Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. + In the midst of each chukker + He would break off and fuck her +Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. +% +A young systems programmer of Sprotic +Found his software intensely erotic. + In jealous distress + He wiped his OS. +It's possible that he's a psychotic. +% +A young violinist from Rio +Was seducing a woman named Cleo. + As she took down her panties + She said, "No andantes; +I want this allegro con brio!" +% +A young wife in the outskirts of Reims +Preferred frigging to going to mass. + Said her husband, "Take Jacques, + Or any young cock, +For I cannot live up to your ass." +% +A young woman got married at Chester, +Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. + Says she, "You're in luck, + He's a stunning good fuck, +For I've had him myself down in Leicester." +% +According to experts, the oyster +In its shell - a crustacean cloister - + May frequently be + Either he or a she +Or both, if it should be its choice ter. +% +Alas for the Countess d'Isere, +Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. + Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" + When he parted her thighs; +"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." +% +All the female apes ran from King Kong +For his dong was unspeakably long. + But a friendly giraffe + Quaffed his yard and a half, +And ecstatically burst into song. +% +An aesthete from South Carolina +Had a cock that tickled like China, + But while shooting his load + It cracked like old Spode, +So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. +% +An agreeable girl named Miss Doves +Likes to jack off the young men she loves. + She will use her bare fist + If the fellows insist +But she really prefers to wear gloves. +% +An AI researcher named Bluth +Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, + Eroticon VI, + Which he taught certain tricks +Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. +% +An amazon giantess named Dunne +Let a midget screw her for fun. + But the poor little runt + Was engulfed in her cunt +And re-born as the twin of his son. +% +An ambitious lady named Harriet +Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot + By seventeen sailors + A monk and three tailors, +Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. +% +An anonymous woman we knew +Was dozing one day in her pew; + When the preacher yelled "Sin!" + She said, "Count me in +As soon as the service is through." +% +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection- +Corinthian, ionic, and doric. +% +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection- +Corinthian,ionic,and doric. +% +An ardent young man named Magruder +Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. + She thought it quite lewd + To be wooed in the nude, +But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. +% +An Argentine gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. + Women are fine + And sheep are divine +But llamas are numero uno." +% +An ARPAnaut name of Corvette +Had a fetish involving the net. + As he fondled his IMP + His cock went from limp +To as hard as concrete which has set. +% +An arrogant wench from Salt Lake +Liked to tease all the boys on the make. + She was finally the prize + Of a man twice her size +And all she recalls is the ache. +% +An artist who lived in Australia +Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. + The drawing was fine, + The colour - devine, +The scent - ah, that was a failia. +% +An artist who lived in Australia +Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. + The drawing was fine, + The colour - divine, +The scent - ah, that was a failia. +% +An eager young hacker named Gus +Once buggered a VAX Unibus. + The hardware went bad, + But not the young lad +(Except for the toupee and truss). +% +An eager young hacker named Gus +Once buggered a VAX Unibus. + The hardware went bad, + But not the young lad +He didn't expect all that fuss! +% +An Edwardian father named Udgeon, +Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, + Used on Saturday nights + To turn down the lights, +And chase them around with a bludgeon. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An envious girl named McMeanus +Was jealous of her lover's big penis. + It was small consolation + That the rest of the nation +Of women were with her in weeness. +% +An exotic young lady named Suki +Once danced in a troupe of kabuki + When asked for a fuck + She said, "Solly, no luck-- +See here: looky looky, no nuki " +% +An impish young fellow named James +Had a passion for idiot games. + He lighted the hair + Of his lady's affair +And laughed as she pissed through the flames. +% +An impotent Scot named MacDougall +Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. + He was gathering semen + To gender a he-man, +By screwing his wife through a bugle. +% +An incautious young woman named Venn +Was seen with the wrong sort of men; + She vanished one day, + But the following May +Her legs were retrieved from a fen. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An indefatigable woman named Bavel +Had often occasion to travel; + On the way she would sit + And furiously knit, +And on the way back she'd unravel. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An ingenious young man in South Bend +Made a synthetic ass for a friend, + But the friend shortly found + Its construction unsound, +It was simply a bother -- no end. +% +An innocent maiden named Herridge +Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; + When she later found out + What her spouse was about, +She threw herself under a carriage. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An inquisitive virgin named Dora +Asked the man who started to bore 'er : + "Do you mean birds and bees + Go through antics like these, +To suppy us our fauna and flora?" +% +An irate young lady named Booker +Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! + If you want it queer ways, + Go to whores for your lays!" +So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. +% +An octagenerian Jew +To his wife remained steadfastly true. + This was not from compunction, + But due to dysfunction +Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. +% +An old couple just at Shrovetide +Were having a piece -- when he died. + The wife for a week + Sat tight on his peak, +And bounced up and down as she cried. +% +An old electronic designer +Had designs on a minor named Dinah. + He couldn't carry them out + For his prick was too stout, +And too small was the minor's vagina. +% +An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings +Were a terrible trial to his siblings, + But he was not removed + Till one day it was proved +That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An old maid who had a pet ape +Lived in fear of perpetual rape. + His red, hairy phallus + So filled her with malice +That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. +% +An old man at the Folies Bergere +Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: + It snipped off a twat-curl + From each new chorus girl, +And he had a wig made of the hair. +% +An organist playing in York +Had a prick that could hold a small fork, + And between obbligatos + He'd munch at tomatoes, +To keep up his strength while at work. +% +An orgasmic young sex star named Sue +Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. + Her climatic fame spread + With an ad blitz that said: +Coming soon at a theater near you! +% +An uptight young lady named Breerley +Who valued her morals too dearly + Had sex, so I hear, + Only once every year, +And she strained her vagina severely. +% +And earnest young woman in Thrace +Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" + So he gave her a thwack, + And did on her back, +What he couldn't have done face to face. +% +And then there's the story that's fraught +With disaster -- of balls that got caught, + When a chap took a crap + In the woods, and a trap +Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! +% +As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops +Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. + Since he thinks it's effete + To be beating his meat, +What he's into is licking his chops. +% +As he came in his chubby choirboy, +Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! + If no sodomy levens + And possible heavens, +Existence will merely annoy." +% +As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, +Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! + I could not bear the loss, + For with scarlet silk floss +My mama has embroidered their clocks." + -- Edward Gorey +% +As tourists inspected the apse +An ominous series of raps + Came from under the altar, + Which caused some to falter +And others to shriek and collapse. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, +"Do I sin if I do what I want, if + I screw a young nun + In the eastertide sun?" +His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." +% +At a contest for farting in Butte +One lady's exertion was cute : + It won the diploma + For fetid aroma, +And three judges were felled by the brute. +% +At a dance, a girl from Connecticut +Showed an absolute absence of etiquette + Letting all comers press + Through the skirt of her dress +And wiping the mess with her petticoat. +% +At the end of all civilization +Is the planet Terminus's location. + There's a girl there whose feat, + Without stone or concrete, +Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. +% +At the moment Japan declared war +A sailor was fucking a whore. + He said, "After this poke + `Long and hard' ain't no joke; +This means months 'til I get back ashore." +% +At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers +Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; + It beats all night long + A dirge on a gong +As it staggers about in the creepers. + -- Edward Gorey +% +At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, +Though of love we are never penurious. + Thanks to vulcanized aids, + Though we may die old maids, +At least we shall never die curious. +% +At whist drives and strawberry teas +Fan would giggle and show off her knees; + But when she was alone + She'd drink eau de cologne, +And weep from a sense of unease. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Augustus, for slpashing his soup, +Was put for the night on the stoop; + In the morning he'd not + Repented a jot, +And next day he was dead of the croup. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Augustus, for splashing his soup, +Was put for the night on the stoop; + In the morning he'd not + Repented a jot, +And next day he was dead of the croup. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Back in the days of old Adam +The grass served as mattress for madam, + And they spent the whole day + On the sex that today +They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. +% +Each Friday his engines abort, +But Scotty is never caught short. + He fills his machines + With space-navy beans, +And farts the ship back into port. +% +Each night Father fills me with dread +When he sits on the foot of my bed; + I'd not mind that he speaks + In gibbers and squeaks, +But for the seventeen years he's been dead. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Each night Father fills me with dread +When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; + I'd not mind that he speaks + In gibbers and squeaks, +But for the seventeen years he's been dead. + -- Edward Gorey +% +From deep in the crypt at St. Giles +Came a bellow that echoed for miles. + Said the rector, "My gracious, + Has Father Ignatius +Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" +% +From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, +There is really abominable news; + They've discovered a head + In the box for the bread, +But nobody seems to know whose. + -- Edward Gorey +% +From the bathing machine came a din +As of jollification within; + It was heard far and wide, + And the incoming tide +Had a definite flavour of gin. + -- Edward Gorey +% +"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" +Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. + "Since dating Miss Baugh, + My whole tongue has been raw-- +It must have been something I ate." +% +In the case of a lady named Frost, +Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, + It's the best part of valor + To bugger the gal, or +You're apt to fall in and get lost. +% +In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, +Complacently stroking his madam, + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth +There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. +% +In the garden of Eden lay Adam, +Complacently stroking his madam + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth +There were only two balls and he had'em. +% +In the little French town of Le'Beau, +Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. + At a masquerade ball, + Clad in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker house roll. +% +It always delights me at Hank's +To walk up the old river banks. + One time in the grass + I stepped on an ass, +And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." +% +It had snowed, and the man in the drift, +Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" + They sat in her Bentley, + She fondled him gently, +And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! +% +The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- +No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. + Where ten thousand virgins + Succumbed to his urgin's +There now stands the great State of Utah. +% +The latest reports from Good Hope +State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, + And fuck high, wide, and free, + From the top of one tree +To the top of the next -- what a scope! +% +The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, +Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. + Once Congress in session, + Declared its suppression, +But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. +% +The limerick is furtive and mean; +You must keep her in close quarantine, + Or she sneaks to the slums + And promptly becomes +Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. + -- Morris Bishop +% +The limerick is furtive and mean; +You must keep her in close quarantine, + Or she sneaks to the slums + And promptly becomes +Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. + -- Morris Bishop +% +The old archeologist, Throstle, +Discovered a marvelous fossil. + He knew from its bend + And the knot on the end, +T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. +% +There a young man from the Coast +Who had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of orgasm + Said the pallid phantasm, +"I think I can feel it -- almost!" +% +There once was a bishop from Birmingham +Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. + As they knelt on the hassock + He lifted his cassock +And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. +% +There once was a boy named Carruthers +Who was busily fucking his mother + "I know it's a sin," + He said, shoving it in, +"But it's better than blowing my brother." +% +There once was a chick named Longet, +Who went out to Aspen to play. + Along came a Spyder, + Who sat down beside her +And she blew the poor bastard away. +% +There once was a clergyman's daughter +Who detested the pony he bought her, + Till she found that its dong + Was as hard and as long +As the prayers her father had taught her. + +She married a fellow named Tony +Who soon found her fucking the pony. + Said he, "What's it got, + My dear, that I've not?" +Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." +% +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used library paste, +Instead of petroleum jelly. +% +There once was a couple named Kelly +Who walked around belly-to-belly. + It seems in their haste, + They used Carter's paste +Instead of petroleum jelly. +% +There once was a dentist named Stone +Who saw all his patients alone. + In a fit of depravity + He filled the wrong cavity, +And my, how his practice has grown! +% +There once was a Duchess of Beever +Who slept with her golden retriever. + Said the potted old Duke : + "Such tricks make me puke! +Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." +% +There once was a Duchess of Bruges +Whose cunt was incredibly huge. + Said the king to this dame + As he thunderously came: +"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" +% +There once was a fag of Khartoom +Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. + They argued all night, + Over who had the right, +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +% +There once was a fairy named Avers +Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. + Though buggers all claimed + That their asses were maimed, +Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. +% +There once was a fellow named Bob +Who in sexual ways was a snob. + One day he was swimmin' + With twelve naked women +And deserted them all for a gob. +% +There once was a fellow named Brewster +Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, + "It used to be grand + But look at my hand +You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." +% +There once was a fellow named Howard, +Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, + While grabbing some ass, + He reached critical mass, +But think of the girl he deflowered! +% +There once was a fellow named Potts +Who was prone to having the trots + But his humble abode + Was without a commode +So his carpet was covered with spots. +% +There once was a fellow named Siegel +Who attempted to bugger a beagle, + But the mettlesome bitch + Turned and said with a twitch, +"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." +% +There once was a fellow named Sweeney +Who spilled gin all over his weenie. + Not being uncouth, + He added vermouth +And slipped his amour a martini. +% +There once was a fencer named Fisk, +Whose speed was incredibly brisk. + So fast was his action, + The Fitzgerald contraction, +Foreshortended his foil to a disk. +% +There once was a fiesty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +% +There once was a floozie named Annie +Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: + A buck for a fuck, + Fifty cents for a suck, +And a dime for a feel of her fanny. +% +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said "This won't be much of a sin." +% +There once was a gangster named Brown +- the sneakiest bastard in town. + He was caught by G-men + Shooting his semen +Where the cops would slip and fall down. +% +There once was a gaucho named Bruno, +Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, + Sheep are just fine, + Chickens, divine, +But iguanas are Numero Uno." +% +There once was a gay young Parisian +Who screwed an appendix incision, + And the girl of his choice + Could hardly rejoice +At the horrible lack of precision. +% +There once was a girl from Cornell +Whose teats were shaped like a bell. + When you touched them they shrunk, + Except when she was drunk, +And then they got bigger than hell. +% +There once was a girl from Decatur, +Who got laid by a big alligator. + Now nobody knew + The result of that screw, +'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. +% +There once was a girl from Madras +Who had such a beautiful ass - + It was not round and pink + ( as you bastards think ) +But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. +% +There once was a girl from Madras +Who had such a beautiful ass - + It was not round and pink + (As you bastards think) +But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. +% +There once was a girl from Spokane, +Went to bed with a one-legged man. + She said, "I know you-- + You've really got two! +Why didn't you say so when we began?" +% +There once was a girl named Irene +Who lived on distilled kerosene + But she started absorbin' + A new hydrocarbon +And since then has never benzene. +% +There once was a girl named Louise +Who cunt hair hung down to her knees + The crabs in her twat + Tied the hairs in a knot +And constructed a flying trapeze +% +There once was a girl named Mcgoffin +Who was diddled amazingly often. + She was rogered by scores + Who'd been turned down by whores, +And was finally screwed in her coffin. +% +There once was a girl named Priscilla +Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. + The taste was so fine + Man and beast stood in line +(Including a stud armadilla). +% +There once was a girl so lovely, +Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, + She strapped on her tanks, + And started her pranks, +But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. +% +There once was a golfer named Leer, +Who got put in the clink for a year, + For an action obscene, + On the very first green. +Where the sign said "Enter course here." +% +There once was a gouty old colonel +Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, + And he cried in his tiffin + For his prick wouldn't stiffen, +And the size of the thing was infernal. +% +There once was a guardsman from Buckingham +Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. + But when I meet boys, + God! how I enjoys +Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." +% +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen. + So he built him some chicks, + Of silicon chips, +And hasn't been heard from since then. +% +There once was a handsome young seaman +Who with ladies was really a demon. + In peace or in war, + At sea or on shore, +He could certainly dish out the semen. +% +There once was a horny old bitch +With a motorized self-frigger which + She would use with delight + All day long and all night - +Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. +% +There once was a horse named Lily +Whose dingus was really a dilly. + It was vaginoid duply, + And labial quadruply -- +In fact, he was really a filly. +% +There once was a husky young Viking +Whose sexual prowess was striking. + Every time he got hot + He would scour the twat +Of some girl that might be to his liking. +% +There once was a jolly old bloke +Who picked up a girl for a poke. + He took down her pants, + Fucked her into a trance, +And then shit into her shoe for a joke. +% +There once was a kiddie named Carr +Caught a man on top of his mar. + As he saw him stick 'er, + He said with a snicker, +"You do it much faster than par." +% +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There once was a lady from Kansas +Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. + It was nine inches deep + And the sides were quite steep -- +It had whiskers like General Carranza's. +% +There once was a lady named Carter, +Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. + She stripped off his pants, + At his prick quickly glanced, +And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" +% +There once was a lady named Clair, +Who posessed a magnificent pair. + Or that's what I thought, + Till I saw one get caught, +On a thorn and begin losing air. +% +There once was a lady named Myrtle +Who had an affair with a turtle. + She had crabs, so they say, + In a year and a day +Which proved that that turtle was fertile. +% +There once was a lawyer named Rex +With minuscule organs of sex. + Arraigned for exposure, + He maintained with composure, +"De minimis non curat lex." + + [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] +% +There once was a lifeguard named Lee +Who rescued a girl from the sea + She asked how to pay, + And he said "Try this way, +Go down for the third time on me." +% +There once was a maid from Mobile +Whose cunt was made of blue steel. + She only got thrills + From pneumatic drills +And an off-centered emery wheel. +% +There once was a man from Bombay +He would do it all night and all day + He soon became sore + You shoulda' heard him roar +When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! +% +There once was a man from Calcutta +Who used to beat off in the gutta + The heat of the sun + Affected his gun +And turned all his cream into butta! +% +There once was a man from Dunoon, +Who always ate soup with a fork. + He said "When I eat + Either fish, foul or flesh, +I otherwise finish too quick." +% +There once was a man from Exameter +Who had a prodigious diameter + But it wasn't the size + That brought forth the cries +'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. +% +There once was a man from Madras, +Whose balls were made out of brass. + When they clanged together, + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There once was a man from Nantee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were most horrid + All ass and no forehead +Three balls and a purple goatee. +% +There once was a man from Nantucket +Who kept all his cash in a bucket. + His daughter, named Nan, + Ran away with a man, +And as for the bucket, Nantucket. + +The pair of them went to Manhasset, +(Nan and the man with the asset.) + Pa followed them there, + But they left in a tear, +And as for the asset, Manhasset. + +Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, +(Nan and the man with the bucket.) + Pa said to the man, + "You're welcome to Nan." +But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. +% +There once was a man from Nantucket, +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin, + As he wiped off his chin, +If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! +% +There once was a man from Nantucket +Whose dick was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +% +There once was a man from Racine, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Both concave and convex, + It could please either sex, +But, oh, what a bastard to clean! +% +There once was a man from Sandem +Who was making his girl on a tandem. + At the peak of the make + She jammed on the brake +And scattered his semen at random. +% +There once was a man from Sydney +Who could put it up to her kidney. + But the man from Quebec + Put it up to her neck; +He had a big one, now didn't he? +% +There once was a man named Lodge, +who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +without ever leaving the garage. +% +There once was a man named McGruder, +Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. + But the girl thought it crude, + To be wooed in the nude, +So McGru took an oar and subduder. +% +There once was a man named McSweeny +Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney + So just to be couth + He added vermouth +And slipped his best girl a martini. +% +There once was a man named McSweeny +Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. + Just to be couth, + He added vermouth, +And slipped his girlfriend a martini. +% +There once was a man named Parridge +With peculiar views on marriage. + He sucked off his brother, + Fucked his own mother, +And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. +% +There once was a man with a hernia +Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, + When you work on my middle + Be sure you don't fiddle +With things that do not concern ya." +% +There once was a member of Mensa +Who was a most excellent fencer. + The sword that he used + Was his -- (line is refused, +And has now been removed by the censor). +% +There once was a miner named Dave, +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + She was ugly as shit, + And missing one tit, +But think of the money he saves. +% +There once was a monk of Camyre +Who was seized with a carnal desire + And the primary cause + Was the abbess's drawers +Which were hung up to dry by the fire. +% +There once was a newspaper vendor, +A person of dubious gender. + He would charge one-and-two + For permission to view +His remarkable double pudenda. +% +There once was a plumber from Leigh +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." +% +There once was a pretty young Mrs. +Whose tearful but short story thrs. + Her mind lost its grasp - + Now she thinks she's an asp +And just sits in the corner and hrs. +% +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +% +There once was a reverend at Kings +Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. + But his heart was on fire + For a boy in the choir +Whose buns were like jelly on springs. +% +There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife -- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is they all do it well." +% +There once was a sailor named Gasted, +A swell guy, as long as he lasted, + He could jerk himself off + In a basket, aloft, +Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. +% +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There once was a son-of-a-bitch, +Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, + Yet the girls he would dazzle, + And fuck to a frazzle, +And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! +% +There once was a spaceman named Spock +Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. + A girl from Missouri + Whose name was Uhura +Just fainted away from the shock. +% +There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, +Discovered his sex life was hapless: + The more he would screw + The more he'd want to, +And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. +% +There once was a Usenetter named Mark, +Whose gender was kept in the dark. + He/she/it said with a nod, + "My ancestors were odd!" +Did Noah need two for the ark? +% +There once was a whore from Regina +Who had a stupendous vagina. + To save herself time, + She had six at a time, +And another one working behind her. +% +There once was a woman from Arden +Who sucked off a man in a garden. + He said, "My dear Flo, + Where does all that stuff go?" +And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" +% +There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield +Engaged to look after the deacon's field, + But he lurked in the ditches + And diddled the bitches +Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. +% +There once was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly, + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. +% +There once was a young girl from Natches +Who chanced to be born with two snatches + She often said, "Shit! + I'd give either tit +For a guy with equipment that matches." +% +There once was a young man from Boston +Who drove around town in an Austin, + There was room for his ass, + And a gallon of gas, +So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. +% +There once was a young man from France +Who waited ten years for his chance; +Then he muffed it... +% +There once was a young man from Yuma +Who attempted sex with a puma + He gave up real quick + Minus nose, toes, and prick +In obvious pain and ill huma. +% +There once was a young man from Yuma, +Who told an elephant joke to a puma. + Now his dry bleached bones lie, + Under hot Asian skies, +'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. +% +There once was a young man named Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse, and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +And now they're interred side by side. +% +There once was a young man named Gene, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Concave and convex, + It served either sex, +And it played with itself inbetween. +% +There once was a young man named Lancelot +Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot + For when he should pass + A desirable lass +The front of his pants would advance a lot. +% +There once was an Arpanet freak, +Who better response-time did seek. + He searched coast to coast, + For a reliable host, +Whose logger took less than a week. +% +There once was an old man from Esser, +Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. + It at last grew so small, + He knew nothing at all, +And now he's a College Professor. +% +There once were two brothers named Luntz +Who buggered each other at once. + When asked to account + For this intricate mount, +They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." +% +There once were two women from Birmingham. +And this is the story concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And fondled the cock +Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. +% +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. +% +There was a family named Doe, +An ideal family to know. + As father screwed mother, + She said, "You're heavier than brother." +And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" +% +There was a fat lady of China +Who'd a really enormous vagina, + And when she was dead + They painted it red, +And used it for docking a liner. +% +There was a fat man from Rangoon +Whose prick was much like a ballon. + He tried hard to ride her + And when finally inside her +She thought she was pregnant too soon. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +% +There was a gay dog from Ontario +Who fancied himself a Lothario. + At a wench's glance + He'd snatch off his pants +And make for her Mons Venerio. +% +There was a gay parson of Norton +Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. + To make up for this loss, + He had balls like a horse, +And never spent less than a quartern. +% +There was a gay parson of Tooting +Whose roe he was frequently shooting, + Till he married a lass + With a face like my arse, +And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. +% +There was a girl from Aberystwyth +Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's son Jack + Laid her flat on her back +And united the organs they pissed with. +% +There was a lewd fellow named Duff +Who loved to dive deep in the muff. + With his head in a whirl + He said, "Spread it, Pearl; +I cunt get enough of the stuff!" +% +There was a man from Mich. +Who used to wish and wich. + That spring would come + So he could bum +Around and go out fich. +% +There was a pianist named Liszt +Who played with one hand while he pissed, + But as he grew older + His technique grew bolder, +And in concert jacked off with his fist. +% +There was a poor parson from Goring, +Who made a small hole in his flooring, + Fur-lined it all round, + Then laid on the ground, +And declared it was cheaper than whoring. +% +There was a strong man of Drumrig +Who one day did seven times frig. + He buggered three sailors, + Four dogs and two tailors, +And ended by fucking a pig. +% +There was a teenager named Donna +Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." + Two days out of three + She would shoot LSD, +And on weekends she smoked marijuana. +% +There was a young belle of old Natchez +Whose garments were always in patchez. + When comment arose + On the state of her clothes +She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." +% +There was a young blade from South Greece +Whose bush did so greatly increase + That before he could shack + He must hunt needle in stack. +'Twas as bad as being obese. +% +There was a young bride, a Canuck, +Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. + You say that I, maybe, + Can have my first baby-- +Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" +% +There was a young bride of Antigua +Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" + Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! + Why, you've only felt my twot, +My legs and my arse and my figua!" +% +There was a young chap in Arabia +Who courted a widow named Fabia. + "Yes, my tongue is as long + As the average man's dong," +He said, licking the lips of her labia. +% +There was a young cook with the art +Of making a delicious tart + With a handful of shit, + Some snot and some spit, +And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. +% +There was a young curate whose brain +Was deranged from the use of cocaine; + He lured a small child + To a copse dark and wild, +Where he beat it to death with his cane. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young damsel named Baker +Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. + He yelled, "My God! what + Do you call this -- a twat? +Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" +% +There was a young dolly named Molly +Who thought that to frig was a folly. + Said she, "Your pee-pee + Means nothing to me, +But I'll do it just to be jolly." +% +There was a young fellow called Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +So now they're interred side by side. +% +There was a young fellow from Cal., +In bed with a passionate gal. + He leapt from the bed, + To the toilet he sped; +Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" +% +There was a young fellow from Florida +Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. + When they got into bed + He cried, "God strike me dead! +This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" +% +There was a young fellow from Kent +Whose cock was so long that it bent + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. +% +There was a young fellow from Leeds +Who swallowed a package of seeds. + Great tufts of grass + Sprouted out of his ass +And his balls were all covered with weeds. +% +There was a young fellow from Parma +Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. + Said the damsel demure, + "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, +But I must say you fuck like a farmer." +% +There was a young fellow name Tucker +Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, + Said, "Don't bow out your lips + Like an elephant's hips, +The boys like it best when they pucker." +% +There was a young fellow named Ades +Whose favorite fruit was young maids. + But sheep, nigger boys, whores, + And the knot holes in doors +Were by no means exempt from his raids. +% +There was a young fellow named Babbitt +Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, + But a girl from Johore + Could do it twice more, +Which was just enough extra to crab it. +% +There was a young fellow named Bill, +Who took an atomic pill, + His navel corroded, + His asshole exploded, +And they found his nuts in Brazil. +% +There was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. +% +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . +% +There was a young fellow named Bowen +Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. + It grew so tremendous, + So long and so pendulous, +'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. +% +There was a young fellow named Brewer +Whose girl made her home in a sewer. + Thus he, the poor soul, + Could get into her hole, +And still not be able to screw her! +% +There was a young fellow named Case +Who entered a cunt-lapping race. + He licked his way clean + Through Number thirteen, +But then slipped and got pissed in the face. +% +There was a young fellow named Charteris +Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. + Said she, "I don't mind, + And higher up you'll find +The place where my fucker and farter is." +% +There was a young fellow named Cribbs +Whose cock was so big it had ribs. + They were inches apart, + And to suck it took art, +While to fuck it took forty-two trips. +% +There was a young fellow named dick +Who had a magnificent prick. + It was shaped like a prism + And shot so much gism +It made every cocksucker sick. +% +There was a young fellow named Feeney +Whose girl was a terrible meany. + The hatch of her snatch + Had a catch that would latch +- She could only be screwed by Houdini. +% +There was a young fellow named Fletcher, +Was reputed an infamous lecher. + When he'd take on a whore + She'd need a rebore, +And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. +% +There was a young fellow named Fyfe +Whose marriage was ruined for life, + For he had an aversion + To every perversion, +And only liked fucking his wife. + +Well, one year the poor woman struck, +And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, + And said, "Where have you gotten us + With your goddamn monotonous +Fuck after fuck after fuck? + +"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- +And a versatile girl she was, too. + After ten years of whoredom + She perished of boredom +When she married a jackass like you!" +% +There was a young fellow named Gene +Who first picked his asshole quite clean. + He next picked his toes, + And lastly his nose, +And he never did wash in between. +% +There was a young fellow named Gluck +Who found himself shit out of luck. + Though he petted and wooed, + When he tried to get screwed +He found virgins just don't give a fuck. +% +There was a young fellow named Goody +Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? + If he found himself nude + With a gal in the mood +The question's not woody but could he? +% +There was a young fellow named Grant +Who was made like the sensitive plant. + When they asked "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could, but I can't." +% +There was a young fellow named Grimes +Who fucked his girl seventeen times + In the course of a week -- + And this isn't to speak +Of assorted venereal crimes. +% +There was a young fellow named Harry, +Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. + He grabbed him a virgin, + Who, without any urgin', +Immediately spread like a fairy. +% +There was a young fellow named Hatch +Who was fond of the music of Bach. + He said: "It's not fussy + Like Brahms and Debussy; +Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." +% +There was a young fellow named Kimble +Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, + But fragile and slender, + And dainty and tender, +So he kept it encased in a thimble. +% +There was a young fellow named Meek +Who invented a lingual technique. + It drove women frantic, + And made them romantic, +And wore all the hair off his cheek. +% +There was a young fellow named Morgan +Who possessed an unusual organ: + The end of his dong, + Which was nine inches long, +Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. +% +There was a young fellow named Paul +Who confessed, "I have only one ball. + But the size of my prick + Is God's dirtiest trick, +For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" +% +There was a young fellow named Pell +Who didn't like cunt very well. + He would finger or fuck one, + But never would suck one-- +He just couldn't get used to the smell. +% +There was a young fellow named Price +Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. + He had virgins and boys + And mechanical toys, +And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! +% +There was a young fellow named Prynne +Whose prick was so short and so thin, + His wife found she needed + A Fuckoscope -- she did -- +To see if he'd gotten it in. +% +There was a young fellow named Skinner +Who took a young lady to dinner + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +At twenty to ten it was in her. +The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. + +There was a young fellow named Tupper +Who took a young lady to supper. + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +And at twenty to ten it was up her. +Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! +% +There was a young fellow named Sweeney, +Whose girl was a terrible meanie, + The hatch of her snatch, + Had a catch that would latch, +She could only be screwed by Houdini. +% +There was a young fellow of Burma +Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. + But now that he's married he's + Been using cantharides +And the root of their love is much firmer. +% +There was a young fellow of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + He had such a tool + It was wound on a spool, +And he reeled it out inich by inich. + +But this tale has an unhappy finich, +For due to the sand in the spinach + His ballocks grew rough + And wrecked his wife's muff, +And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. +% +There was a young fellow of Harrow +Whose john was the size of a marrow. + He said to his tart, + "How's this for a start? +My balls are outside in a barrow." +% +There was a young fellow of Kent +Whose prick was so long that it bent, + So to save himself trouble + He put it in double, +And instead of coming he went. +% +There was a young fellow of Mayence +Who fucked his own arse in defiance + Not only of custom + And morals, dad-bust him, +But of most of the known laws of science. +% +There was a young fellow of Perth +Whose balls were the finest on earth. + They grew to such size + That one won a prize, +And goodness knows what they were worth. +% +There was a young fellow of Strensall +Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. + On the night of his wedding + It went through the bedding, +And shattered the chamber utensil. +% +There was a young fellow of Warwick +Who had reason for feeling euphoric, + For he could by election + Have triune erection: +Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. +% +There was a young fellow whose dong +Was prodigiously massive and long. + On each side of his whang + Two testes did hang +That attracted a curious throng. +% +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. + A woman is fine, + And a sheep is divine, +But a llama is Numero Uno." +% +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "There is one thing I do know, + Women are fine + And children devine, +But the llama is numero uno." +% +There was a young German named Ringer +Who was screwing an opera singer. + Said he with a grin, + "Well, I've sure got it in!" +Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" +% +There was a young girl from Annista +Who dated a lecherous mister. + He fondled her titty, + Got one finger shitty, +Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. +% +There was a young girl from Decatur +Who was raped by an alligator. + But no one quite knew + How she relished that screw, +For after he screwed her, he ate her. +% +There was a young girl from Dundee, +From her fanny there grew a plum tree. + No one ate the nice fruit, + To tell you the truth, +Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. +% +There was a young girl from East Lynn +Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) + Had filled up her crack + With hard-setting shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Who said, "You are utterly wrong + To say my vagina + Is the largest in China +Just because of your mean little dong." +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +% +There was a young girl from Medina +Who could completely control her vagina. + She could twist it around + Like the cunts that are found +In Japan, Manchukuo and China. +% +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. + +Till along came a man who presented +A tool that was strangely indented. + With a dizzying twirl + He punctured that girl, +And thus was the cork-screw invented. +% +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her quim with a cork + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade, it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. +% +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who had nothing whatever to do. + So she sat on the stairs, + And counted cunt hairs, +Four thousand, three hundred and two. +% +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who noticed her lovers were few; + So she walked out her door + With a fig leaf, no more, +And now she's in bed - with the flu. +% +There was a young girl from Samoa +Who pledged that no man would know her. + One young fellow tried, + But she wriggled aside, +And he spilled all his spermatozoa. +% +There was a young girl from Seattle, +Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. + But a bull from the South + Shot a wad in her mouth +That made both her ovaries rattle. +% +There was a young girl from Siam +Who said to her boyfriend Priam, + "To seduce me, of course, + You'll have to use force, +And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. +% +There was a young girl from St. Cyr +Whose reflex reactions were queer. + Her escort said, "Mable, + Get up off the table; +That money's to pay for the beer." +% +There was a young girl from St. Paul +Who went to a newspaper ball. + Her dress caught on fire + And burnt her entire +Front page and sport section and all. +% +There was a young girl from the Bronix +Who had a vagina of onyx. + She had so much `tsoris' + With her clitoris, +She traded it in for a Packard. +% +There was a young girl from the coast +Who, just when she needed it most, + Lost her Kotex and bled + All over the bed, +And the head and the beard of her host. +% +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who eked out a living through sin. + She didn't mind fucking, + But much preferred sucking, +And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. +% +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. + Though he diddled his best, + And fucked her with zest, +She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" +% +There was a young girl in Dakota +Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: + "In addition to gas + We are rationing ass, +And you've greatly exceeded your quota." +% +There was a young girl name McKnight +Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. + She came to in bed, + With a split maidenhead-- +That's the last time she ever was tight. +% +There was a young girl named Ann Heuser +Who swore that no man could surprise her. + But Pabst took a chance, + Found a Schlitz in her pants, +And now she is sadder Budweiser. +% +There was a young girl named Heather +Whose twitcher was made out of leather. + She made a queer noise, + Which attracted the boys, +By flapping the edges together. +% +There was a young girl named McCall +Whose cunt was exceedingly small, + But the size of her anus + Was something quite heinous -- +It could hold seven pricks and one ball. +% +There was a young girl named O'Clare +Whose body was covered with hair. + It was really quite fun + To probe with one's gun, +For her quimmy might be anywhere. +% +There was a young girl named O'Malley +Who wanted to dance in the ballet. + She got roars of applause + When she kicked off her drawers, +But her hair and her bush didn't tally. +% +There was a young girl named Saphire +Who succumbed to her lovers desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who screwed every man that she kissed with. + She tickled the balls + Of the men in the halls, +And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. +% +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's sun, Jack, + Laid her flat on her back, +And united the organs they pissed with. +% +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. +% +There was a young girl of Asturias +With a penchant for practices curious. + She loved to bat rocks + With her gentlemen's cocks -- +A practice both rude and injurious. +% +There was a young girl of Batonger +who diddled herself with a conger, + When asked how it feels + To be pleasured by eels +She said, "Just like a man, only longer. +% +There was a young girl of Cah'lina, +Had a very capricious vagina: + To the shock of the fucker + "Twould suddenly pucker, +And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." +% +There was a young girl of Cape Cod +Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. + But it wasn't Jehovah + That turned the girl over, +'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, + the bugger, the bastard, the sod! +% +There was a young girl of Cape Town +Who usually fucked with a clown. + He taught her the trick + Of sucking his prick, +And when it went up -- she went down. +% +There was a young girl of Coxsaxie +Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. + She was fucked at the show + In the twenty-third row, +And once more going home in the taxi. +% +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +% +There was a young girl of Des Moines +Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, + Till a guy from Hoboken + Went and dropped in a token, +And now she rides free on the ferry. +% +There was a young girl of Detroit +Who at fucking was very adroit: + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point, or finer, +Or open it out like a quoit. + +And she had a friend named Durand +Whose cock could contract or expand. + He could diddle a midge + Or the arch of a bridge -- +Their performance together was grand! +% +There was a young girl of East Lynne +Whose mother, to save her from sin, + Had filled up her crack, + To the brim with shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. +% +There was a young girl of Gibraltar +Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. + It really seems odd + That a virtuous God +Should answer her prayers and assault her. +% +There was a young girl of LLewellyn +Whose breasts were as big as a melon. + They were big it is true, + But her cunt was big too, +Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view +Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. +% +There was a young girl of Mobile, +Who hymen was made of chilled steel, + To give her a thrill, + Took a rotary drill, +Or a number nine emery wheel. +% +There was a young girl of Moline +Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. + She would work on a prick + With every known trick, +And finish by winking it clean. +% +There was a young girl of Newcastle +Whose charms were declared universal. + While one man in front + Wired into her cunt, +Another was engaged at her arsehole. +% +There was a young girl of Pawtucket +Whose box was as big as a bucket. + Her boy-friend said, "Toots, + I'll have to wear boots, +For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." +% +There was a young girl of Penzance +Who boarded a bus in a trance. + The passengers fucked her, + Likewise the conductor, +While the driver shot off in his pants. +% +There was a young girl of Pitlochry +Who was had by a man in a rockery. + She said, "Oh! You've come + All over my bum; +This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." +% +There was a young girl of Rangoon +Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. + "Well, it has been great fun," + She remarked when he'd done, +"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." +% +There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, +Whose people all thought her a virgin, + Till they found her in bed + With her twat very red, +And the head of a kid just emergin'. +% +There was a young girl, very sweet, +Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. + When she sat on their lap + She unbuttoned their flap, +And always had plenty to eat. +% +There was a young girl who begat +Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. + T'was fun in the breeding + But hell in the feeding +When she found there's no tit for Tat. +% +There was a young girl who begat +Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. + It was fun in the breeding, + But hell in the feeding, +When she found there was no tit for Tat. +% +There was a young harlot from Kew +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They'll pay to get out of it too." +% +There was a young harlot named Schwartz +Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, + And they tickled so nice + She drew a high price +From the studs at the summer resorts. + +Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, +Was seldom hard up for a diddle, + For according to rumor + His tool had a tumor +And a fine row of warts down the middle. +% +There was a young hayseed from Tiffan +Whose cock would constantly stiffen. + The knob out in front + Attracted foul cunt +Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. +% +There was a young idler named Blood, +Made a fortune performing at stud, + With a fifteen-inch peter, + A double-beat metre, +And a load like the Biblical Flood. +% +There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway +Whose screams could be heard for a block away. + Perceiving his error, + The Rabbi in terror +Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" +% +There was a young lad - name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan + Stop jerkin' your gherkin +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +% +There was a young lad from Nahant +Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. + When asked, "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could but I can't." +% +There was a young lad from Siam, +Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. + He loved them real small, + 'Cause they're funner to ball, +So he went out and bought him a lamb! +% +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +% +There was a young lad name of Ward +Who strung himself up with a cord + Said he, of his work + (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) +"I am leaving because I am bored." + - E.A. Guest +% +There was a young lad named McFee +Who was stung in the balls by a bee + He made oodles of money + By oozing pure honey +Every time he attempted to pee. +% +There was a young lady at sea +Who complained that it hurt her to pee. + Said the brawny old mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the cook and the captain and me." +% +There was a young lady at sea +Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." + "I see," said the mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the captain, the purser, and me." +% +There was a young lady called Ciss +Who went to the river to piss. + A young man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt; +No wonder she thought it was bliss. +% +There was a young lady from Bangor +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor + She woke in dismay + When she heard the mate say: +"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" +% +There was a young lady from Bright, +Whose speed was much faster than light. + She went out one day + In a relative way +And returned on the previous night. +% +There was a young lady from Bristol +Who went to the Palace called Crystal. + Said she, "It's all glass, + And as round as my ass," +And she farted as loud as a pistol. +% +There was a young lady from Brussels +Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. + She could easily plex them + And so interflex them +As to whistle love songs through her bustles. +% +There was a young lady from Drew +Who ended her verse at line two. +% +There was a young lady from Dumfries +Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! + My navel's all bare, + So stick it in there, +Before both my legs and my bum freeze." +% +There was a young lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There was a young lady from Hyde +Who ate a green apple and died. + While her lover lamented + The apple fermented +And made cider inside her inside. +% +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +% +There was a young lady from Munich +Who had an affair with a eunuch. + At the height of their passion + He dealt her a ration +% +There was a young lady from Munich +Who had an affair with a eunuch. + At the height of their passion + He dealt her a ration +From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. +% +There was a young lady from Norway +Who hung by her heels in a doorway. + She told her young man, + "Get off the divan, +I think I've discovered one more way " +% +There was a young lady from Prentice +Who had an affair with a dentist. + To make things easier + He used anesthesia, +And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. +% +There was a young lady from Rheims +Who amazingly pissed in four streams. + A friend poked around + And a fly-button found +Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. +% +There was a young lady from Rio +Who slept with the Fornier trio. + As she dropped her panties + She said, "No andanties +I want this allegro con brio." +% +There was a young lady from Siam +Who said to her lover, one Kiam, + "You may kiss me of course, + But you'll have to use force. +Though god knows you're stronger than I am." +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Who demurely undressed on a train. + A helpful young porter + Helped more than he orter, +And she promptly cried "Help me again" +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Who got sick as she rode on a train; + Not once, but again, + And again, and again, +And again, and again, and again. +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Whose face was exceedingly plain, + But her cunt had a pucker + That made the men fuck her, +Again, and again, and again. +% +There was a young lady from Troy +Had a moustache, just like a young boy + Though it tickled to kiss + 'Twas a source of much bliss +When she used it to brush a man's toy. +% +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who had a peculiar feeling. + She laid on her back + And tickled her crack +And pissed all over the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady from Wooster +Who complained that too many men gooster. + So she traded her scanties + For sandpaper panties, +Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. +% +There was a young lady in Reno, +Who lost all her dough playing Keno. + But she lay on her back, + And opened her crack, +So now she owns the Casino! +% +There was a young lady named Alice +Who was known to have peed in a chalice. + 'Twas the common belief + It was done for relief, +And not out of protestant malice. +% +There was a young lady named Astor +Who never let any get past her. + She finally got plenty + By stopping twenty, +Which certainly ought to last her. +% +There was a young lady named Banker, +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, + She woke in dismay, + When she heard the mate say, +"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." +% +There was a young lady named Blount +Who had a rectangular cunt. + She learned for diversion + Posterior perversion, +Since no one could fit here in front. +% +There was a young lady named Bower +Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. + But a poet from Perth + Laid her flat on the earth, +And proceeded with penis to plough her. +% +There was a young lady named Brent +With a cunt of enormous extent, + And so deep and so wide, + The acoustics inside +Were so good you could hear when you spent. +% +There was a young lady named Bright +Who could travel much faster than light. + She took off one day, + In a relative way, +And returned on the previous night. +% +There was a young lady named Brook +Who never could learn how to cook. + But on a divan + She could please any man- +She knew every darn trick in the book! +% +There was a young lady named Cager +Who, as the result of a wager, + Consented to fart + The entire oboe part +Of Mozart's quartet in F major. +% +There was a young lady named Ciss +Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " + But she'll never restate, + For a wheel off her skate +.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM +% +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. +% +There was a young lady named Dot +Whose cunt was so terribly hot + That ten bishops of Rome + And the Pope's private gnome +Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. +% +There was a young lady named Duff +With a lovely, luxuriant muff. + In his haste to get in her + One eager beginner +Lost both of his balls in the rough. +% +There was a young lady named Etta +Who was constantly seen in a swetta. + Three reasons she had: + To keep warm wasn't bad, +But the other two reasons were betta. +% +There was a young lady named Fleager +Who was terribly, terribly eager + To be all the rage + On the tragedy stage, +Though her talents were pitifully meagre. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young lady named Flo +Whose lover had pulled out too slow. + So they tried it all night, + Till he got it just right... +Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. +% +There was a young lady named Flynn +Who thought fornication a sin, + But when she was tight + It seemed quite all right, +So everyone filled her with gin. +% +There was a young lady named Gilda +Who went on a date with a builder. + He said that he would, + And he could and he should, +And he did and it damn well near killed her. +% +There was a young lady named Gloria +Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +There was a young lady named Gloria, +Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" + She replied to the chap, + "I'll draw you a map, +Of where others have been to before ya." +% +There was a young lady named Grace +Who would not take a prick in her "place." + Though she'd kiss it and suck it, + She never would fuck it-- +She just couldn't relax face-to-face. +% +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. +% +There was a young lady named Hatch +Who would always come through in a scratch. + If a guy wouldn't neck her, + She'd grab up his pecker +And shove the damn thing up her snatch. +% +There was a young lady named Mable +Who liked to sprawl out on the table, + Then cry to her man, + "Stuff in all you can -- +Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." +% +There was a young lady named Mandel +Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal + By coming out bare + On the main village square +And frigging herself with a candle. +% +There was a young lady named Maud, +A terrible society fraud: + In company, I'm told, + She was distant and cold, +But if you got her alone, Oh God! +% +There was a young lady named May +Who strolled in a park by the way, + And she met a youg man + Who fucked her and ran -- +Now she goes to the park every day. +% +There was a young lady named Nance +Who learned about fucking in France, + And when you'd insert it + She'd squeeze till she hurt it, +And shoved it right back in your pants. +% +There was a young lady named Nelly +Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. + They could tickle her twat + Or be tied in a knot, +And could even swat flies on her belly. +% +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was raped three times in a hansom + When she cried out for more + Said a voice from the floor, +"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson +% +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was rogered three times in a hansom. + When she cried out for more + A voice from the floor +Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." +% +There was a young lady named Riddle +Who had an untouchable middle. + She had many friends + Because of her ends, +Since it isn't the middle you diddle. +% +There was a young lady named Rose +Who fainted whenever she chose; + She did so one day + While playing croquet, +But was quickly revived with a hose. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young lady named Rose +With erogenous zones in her toes. + She remained onanistic + Till a foot-fetishistic +Young man became one of her beaux. +% +There was a young lady named Schneider +Who often kept trysts with a spider. + She found a strange bliss, + In the hiss of her piss, +As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. +% +There was a young lady named Smith +Whose virtue was largely a myth. + She said, "Try as I can + I can't find a man +Who it's fun to be virtuous with." +% +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +% +There was a young lady named Wylde +Who kept herself quite undefiled + By thinking of Jesus; + Contagious diseases; +And the bother of having a child. +% +There was a young lady of Arden, +The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. + Said she with a frown, + "I've been sadly let down +By the tool of a fool in a garden." +% +There was a young lady of Bicester +Who was nicer by far than her sister: + The sister would giggle + And wiggle and jiggle, +But this one would come if you kissed her. +% +There was a young lady of Brabant +Who slept with an impotent savant. + She admitted, "We shouldn't, + But it turned out he couldn't- +So you can't say we have when we haven't." +% +There was a young lady of Bude +Who walked down the street in the nude. + A bobby said, "Whattum + Magnificent bottom!" +And slapped it as hard as he could. +% +There was a young lady of Carmia +Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. + At every cold snap + She would climb in your lab, +So her little base burner could warm ya. +% +There was a young lady of Dee +Who went down to the river to pee. + A man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt, +And God! how I wish it were me. +% +There was a young lady of Dee +Whose hymen was split into three. + And when she was diddled + The middle string fiddled : +"Nearer My God To Thee." +% +There was a young lady of Dexter +Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, + For whenever they'd start + He'd unfailingly fart +With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. +% +There was a young lady of Dover +Whose passion was such that it drove her + To cry, when you came, + "Oh dear! What a shame! +Well, now we shall have to start over." +% +There was a young lady of Ealing +And her lover before her was kneeling. + Said she, "Dearest Jim, + Take your hands off my quim; +I much prefer fucking to feeling." +% +There was a young lady of fashion +Who had oodles and oodles of passion. + To her lover she said, + As they climbed into bed, +"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" +% +There was a young lady of Fez +Who was known to the public as "Jez." + Jezebel was her name, + Sucking cocks was the game +She excelled at (so everyone says). +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump - +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump - +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump-- +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gloucester, +Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. + She wasn't much hurt, + But he dirtied her skirt, +So think of the anguish it cost her. +% +There was a young lady of Gloucester +Whose friends they thought they had lost her + Till they found on the grass + The marks of her arse, +And the knees of the man who had crossed her. +% +There was a young lady of Kent, +Who admitted she knew what it meant + When men asked her to dine, + And plied her with wine, +She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! +% +There was a young lady of Lee +Who scrambled up into a tree, + When she got there + Her arsehole was bare, +And so was her C U N T. +% +There was a young lady of Lincoln +Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, + So she had a prick lent her + Which turned it magenta, +This artful old lady of Lincoln. +% +There was a young lady of Natchez +Who chanced to be born with two snatches, + And she often said, "Shit! + Why, I'd give either tit +For a man with equipment that matches." + +There was a young fellow named Locke +Who was born with a two-headed cock. + When he'd fondle the thing + It would rise up and sing +An antiphonal chorus by Bach. + +But whether these two ever met +Has not been recorded as yet, + Still, it would be diverting + To see him inserting +His whang while it sang a duet. +% +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me Joe +I think I've discovered one more way." +% +There was a young lady of Rhyll +In an omnibus was taken ill, + So she called the conductor, + Who got in and fucked her, +Which did more good than a pill. +% +There was a young lady of Spain +Who took down her pants on a train. + There was a young porter + Saw more than he orter, +And asked her to do it again. +% +There was a young lady of Spain +Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. + They did it again + And again and again, +And again and again and again. +% +There was a young lady of Twickenham +Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. + On her knees every day + To God she would pray +To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. +% +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Said to her beau, "I've a feeling + My little brown jug + Has need of a plug" -- +And straightaway she started to peeling. +% +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Who professed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris, +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady who said, +As her bridegroom got into the bed, + "I'm tired of this stunt, + That they do with one's cunt, +You can get up my bottom instead." +% +There was a young lady whose cunt +Could accomodate a small punt. + Her mother said, "Annie, + It matches your fanny, +Which never was that of a runt." +% +There was a young lady whose thighs, +When spread showed a slit of such size, + And so deep and so wide, + You could play cards inside, +Much to her bridegroom's surprise. +% +There was a young lass from Surat. +The cheeks of her ass were so fat + That they had to be parted + Whenever she farted, +And also whenever she shat. +% +There was a young lass from Surat. +The cheeks of her ass were so fat + That they had to be parted + Whenever she farted, +And also whenever she shat. +% +There was a young laundress named Wrangle +Whose tits tilted up at an angle. + "They may tickle my chin," + She said with a grin, +"But at least they keep out of the mangle." +% +There was a young maiden from Osset +Whose quim was nine inches across it. + Said a young man named Tong, + With tool nine inches long, +"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." +% +There was a young man from Bear Ridge +Who had strange ideas about marriage. + He fucked his wife's mother + And sucked off her brother +And ate up her sister's miscarriage. +% +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair. + But the banister broke + So he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +% +There was a young man from Bengal +Who claimed he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Pulled down this man's breeches +And proved he had nothing at all. +% +There was a young man from Biloxi +Whose bowels responded to Moxie. + Drinking glass after glass, + He would tune up his ass, +Till he played like the band at the Roxy. +% +There was a young man from Bombay +Who fashioned a cunt out of clay + But the heat of his prick + Turned it into a brick +And rubbed all his foreskin away. +% +There was a young man from Boston +Who rode around in an Austin. + There was room for his ass + And a gallon of gas, +But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. +% +There was a young man from Calcutta +Who was heard in his beard to mutter, + "If her Bartholin glands + Don't respond to my hands, +I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." +% +There was a young man from Dallas +Who had an exceptional phallus. + He couldn't find room + In any girl's womb +Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. +% +There was a young man from Dundee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were quite horrid: + All ass and no forehead, +Three balls and a purple goatee. +% +There was a young man from East Lizes +Whose balls were of two different sizes + One was so small + It was no ball at all +The other was large and won prizes. +% +There was a young man from East Wubley +Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. + Each quadruplicate shaft + Had two balls hanging aft, +And the general effect was quite lovely. + +There was a young man from Hong Kong +Who had a trifurcated prong: + A small one for sucking, + A large one for fucking, +And a `boney' for beating a gong. +% +There was a young man from Glengozzle +Who found a remarkable fossil. + He knew by the bend + And the wart on the end, +'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. +% +There was a young man from Jodhpur +Who found he could easily cure + His dread diabetes + By eating a foetus +Served up in a sauce of manure. +% +There was a young man from Kent +Whose tool was so long that it bent. + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. +% +There was a young man from Lynn +Whose cock was the size of a pin. + Said his girl with a laugh + As she felt his staff, +"This won't be much of a sin." +% +There was a young man from Maine +Whose prick was as strong as a crane; + It was almost as long, + So he strolled with his dong +Extended in sunshine and rain. +% +There was a young man from Nantucket +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + But he looked in the glass, + And saw his own ass, +And broke his neck trying to fuck it. +% +There was a young man from Nantucket +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin, + While wiping his chin, +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +% +There was a young man from New Haven +Who had an affair with a raven. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"Nevermore!" +% +There was a young man from Peru, +Who took a long trip by canoe. + While staring at Venus, + And rubbing his penis, +He wound up with a handful of goo. +% +There was a young man from Purdue +Who was only just learning to screw, + But he hadn't the knack, + And he got too far back -- +In the right church, but in the wrong pew. +% +There was a young man from Racine +Who invented a fucking machine. + Concave or convex, + It served either sex, +But oh what a bitch to keep clean. +% +There was a young man from Rangoon +Who used to lament 'neath the moon + That he had the luck + To be born of a fuck +That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. +% +There was a young man from Salinas +Who had an extremely long penis: + Believe it or not, + When he lay on his cot +It reached from Marin to Martinez. +% +There was a young man from Seattle +Whose testicles tended to rattle. + He said as he fuck-ed + Some stones in a bucket, +"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." +% +There was a young man from Siam +Who said, "I go in with a wham, + But I soon lose my starch + Like the mad month of March, +And the lion comes out like a lamb." +% +There was a young man from St. Paul's +Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" + Till he grew such a passion + For feminine fashion +That he knitted a snood for his balls. +% +There was a young man from Stamboul +Who boasted so torrid a tool + That each female crater + Explored by this satyr +Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. +% +There was a young man from Tibet- +And this is the strangest one yet- + Whose tool was so long, + So pointed and strong, +He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". +% +There was a young man in Havana, +Banged his girl on a player-piana. + At the height of their fever + Her ass hit the lever +And: yes, he has no banana. +% +There was a young man in Norway, +Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, + But the air was so frigid + It froze his cock rigid, +And all he could come was frappe. +% +There was a young man in the choir +Whose penis rose higher and higher, + Till it reached such a height + It was quite out of sight -- +But of course you know I'm a liar. +% +There was a young man, name of Fred, +Who spent every Thursday in bed; + He lay with his feet + Outside of the sheet, +And the pillows on top of his head. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young man, name of Saul, +Who was able to bounce either ball, + He could stretch them and snap them, + And juggle and clap them, +Which earned him the plaudits of all. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch + So she threw the switch, +And Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + Yeah, she threw the switch, +And Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man named Hughes +Who swore off all kinds of booze. + He said, "When I'm muddled + My senses get fuddled, +And I pass up too many screws." +% +There was a young man named Knute +Who had warts all over his root. + He put acid on these + And now when he pees, +He fingers the thing like a flute. +% +There was a young man named Laplace +Whose balls were made out of spun glass. + When they banged together + They played "Stormy Weather" +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There was a young man named McNamiter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + But it wasn't the size + Gave the girls a surprise, +But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There was a young man named Rex +Who really was small for his sex. + When tried for exposure + The judge's disclosure +Was "de minimus non curat lex." +% +There was a young man named Zerubbabel +Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. + When they asked if his pleasure + Was only half measure, +He replied, "That is highly improbable." +% +There was a young man named Zerubbabub +Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club + But the pride of his life + Were the tits of his wife -- +One real, and one India-rubber bub. +% +There was a young man of Arras +Who stretched himself out on the grass, + And with no little trouble, + He bent himself double, +And stuck his prick well up his ass. +% +There was a young man of Australia +Who went on a wild bacchanalia. + He buggered a frog, + Two mice and a dog, +And a bishop in fullest regalia. +% +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. + I will suck, without charge, + Any cock, if it's large. +If it's small, I expect to be paid." +% +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who slept with a girl in the trade. + She said to him, "Jack, + Try the hole in the back; +The front one is badly decayed." +% +There was a young man of Bengal +Who swore he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Unbuttoned his britches, +And found he had no balls at all. +% +There was a young man of Bombay +Who buggered his dad once a day. + He said, "I like, rather, + Fucking my father -- +He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." +% +There was a young man of Calcutta, +Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. + When he got to c-u, + A pious Hindoo +Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. +% +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. +% +There was a young man of Coblenz +Whose ballocks were simply immense: + It took forty-four draymen, + A priest and three laymen +To carry them thither and thence. +% +There was a young man of Darjeeling +Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. + In the electric light socket, + He'd put it and rock it-- +Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! +% +There was a young man of Devizes +Whose balls were of different sizes. + His tool when at ease, + Hung down to his knees, +Oh, what must it be when it rises! +% +There was a young man of Devizes, +Whose balls were of different sizes. + One was so small, + It was nothing at all; +The other took numerous prizes. +% +There was a young man of Dumfries +Who said to his girl, "If you please, + It would give me great bliss + If, while playing with this, +You would pay some attention to these!" +% +There was a young man of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + So long was his tool + That it wound round a spool, +And he let it out inach by inach. +% +There was a young man of high station +Who was found by a pious relation + Making love in a ditch + To -- I won't say a bitch -- +But a woman of no reputation. +% +There was a young man of Khartoum, +The strength of whose balls was his doom. + So strong was his shootin', + The third law of Newton +Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. +% +There was a young man of Khartoum +Who lured a poor girl to her doom. + He not only fucked her, + But buggered and sucked her-- +And left her to pay for the room. +% +There was a young man of Kildare +Who was fucking a girl on the stair. + The bannister broke, + But he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +% +There was a young man of Kutki +Who could blink himself off with one eye. + For a while though, he pined, + When his organ declined +To function, because of a stye. +% +There was a young man of Lahore +Whose prick was one inch and no more. + It was all right for key-holes + And little girl's pee-holes, +But not worth a damn with a whore. +% +There was a young man of Lake Placid +Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. + When he wanted to sport + He would have to resort +To injections of sulphuric acid. +% +There was a young man of Madras +Whose balls were constructed of brass. + When jangled together + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There was a young man of Missouri +Who fucked with a terrible fury. + Till hauled into court + For his beastial sport, +And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. +% +There was a young man of Natal +And Sue was the name of his gal. + One day, north of Aden, + He got his hard rod in, +And came clear up Suez Canal. +% +There was a young man of Natal +Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. + Said she, "You're a sluggard!" + Said he, "You be buggered! +I like to fuck slow and I shall." +% +There was a young man of Ostend +Who let a girl play with his end. + She took hold of Rover, + And felt it all over, +And it did what she didn't intend. +% +There was a young man of Ostend +Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. + "It's no use, my duck, + Interrupting our fuck, +For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." +% +There was a young man of Saskatchewan, +Whose penis was truly gargantuan. + It was good for large whores, + And for small dinosaurs, +And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. +% +There was a young man of Seattle +Who bested a bull in a battle. + With fire and gumption + He assumed the bull's function, +And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. +% +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." +% +There was a young man of Tibet +-- And this is the strangest one yet -- + His prick was so long, + And so pointed and strong, +He could bugger six sheep en brochette. +% +There was a young man of Toulouse +Who had a deficient prepuce, + But the foreskin he lacked + He made up in his sac; +The result was, his balls were too loose. +% +There was a young man who appeared +To his friends with a full growth of beard; + They at once said, "Although + We can't say why it's so, +The effect is uncommonly weird." + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young man who said "God, +I find it exceedingly odd, + That the willow oak tree + Continues to be, +When there's no one about in the Quad." + +"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, +For I'm always about in the Quad; + And that's why the tree, + Continues to be," +Signed "Yours faithfully, God." +% +There was a young man with a fiddle +Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" + She replied, "Yes, I do, + But prefer to with two -- +It's twice as much fun in the middle." +% +There was a young man with a prick +Which into his wife he would stick + Every morning and night + If it stood up all right -- +Not a very remarkable trick. + +His wife had a nice little cunt: +It was hairy, and soft, and in front, + And with this she would fuck him, + Though sometimes she'd suck him -- +A charming, if commonplace, stunt. +% +There was a young man with one foot +Who had a very long root. + If he used this peg + As an extra leg +Is a question exceedingly moot. +% +There was a young miss from Johore +Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; + In a manner uncanny + She'd wobble her fanny, +And drain your nuts dry to the core. +% +There was a young monk from Siberia +Whose life got drearia' and drearia' + Till he did to a nun + What shouldn't be done +And made her a mother superia'. +% +There was a young monk from Tibet +And this is the damnedest one yet + His cock was so long + And incredibly strong +That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. +% +There was a young monk in Siberia, +Whose morals were very inferior, + He jumped on a nun + Which he shouldn't have done, +And now she's a Mother Superior. +% +There was a young monk of Dundee +Who complained that it hurt him to pee, + He said, "Pax vobiscum, + Now why won't the piss come? +I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." +% +There was a young parson of Harwich, +Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. + She said, "No, you young goose, + Just try self-abuse. +And the other we'll try after marriage." +% +There was a young peasant named Gorse +Who fell madly in love with his horse. + Said his wife, "You rapscallion, + That horse is a stallion -- +This constitutes grounds for divorce." +% +There was a young person of Kent +Who was famous wherever he went. + All the way through a fuck, + He would quack like a duck, +And he crowed like a cock when he spent. +% +There was a young physicist named Fisk +Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. + So quick was his action, + The Lorentz Contraction +Shortened his rod to a disc !! +% +There was a young plumber named Lee +Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. + She said, "Stop your plumbing, + There's somebody coming" +Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know, +It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that + Last line that I can." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know. +It's because I try to put every single +syllable into the last line that I possibly, +possibly can." +% +There was a young royal marine, +Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". + When he reached the soprano + Out came only guano +And his britches weren't fit to be seen. +% +There was a young sailor from Brighton, +Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole; +There's plenty of room in the right one." +% +There was a young sailor from Brighton +Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole +There's plenty of room in the right'un." +% +There was a young sapphic named Anna +Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, + Which she sucked, bit by bit, + From her partner's warm slit, +In the most approved lesbian manner. +% +There was a young Scot in Madrid +Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. + When they said, "Are you faint?" + He replied, "No, I ain't, +But I don't feel as good as I did." +% +There was a young soldier from Munich +Whose penis hung down past his tunic, + And their chops girls would lick + When they thought of his prick, +But alas! he was only a eunuch. +% +There was a young sportsman named Peel +Who went for a trip on his wheel; + He pedalled for days + Through crepuscular haze, +And returned feeling somewhat unreal. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young squaw of Wohunt +Who possessed a collapsible cunt. + It had many odd uses, + Produced no papooses, +And fitted both giant and runt. +% +There was a young student from Yale +Who was getting his first piece of tail. + He shoved in his pole, + But in the wrong hole, +And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" +% +There was a young trollop at Yale, +Who had verses tattooed on her tail, + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +A duplicate version in Braille. +% +There was a young whore from Kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +% +There was a young woman called Pearl +Who quite resembled a churl; + When she asked a young man named Tex + Whether he would like to have sex, +"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" +% +There was a young woman from Bude, +Who went for a swim in the nude, + But a man in a punt, + Grabbed at her elbow, +And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." +% +There was a young woman in Dee +Who stayed with each man she did see. + When it came to a test + She wished to be best, +And practice makes perfect, you see. +% +There was a young woman named Alice +Who peed in a Catholic chalice. + She said, "I do this + From a great need to piss, +And not from sectarian malice." +% +There was a young woman named Ells +Who was subject to curious spells + When got up very oddly, + She'd cry out things ungodly +by the palms in expensive hotels. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young woman named Florence +Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, + But they found her in bed + With her cunt flaming red, +And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. +% +There was a young woman named Plunnery +Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. + Till one day unobservant, + She blew up a servant, +And was forced to retire to a nunnery. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young woman named Sutton +Who said, as she carved up the mutton, + "My father preferred + The last sheep in the herd -- +This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." +% +There was a young woman of Cheadle, +Who once gave the clap to a beadle. + Said she, "Does it itch?" + "It does, you damned bitch, +And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." +% +There was a young woman of Condover +Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. + Her pussy was juicy, + Her arse soft and goosey, +But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. +% +There was a young woman of Croft +Who played with herself in a loft, + Having reasoned that candles + Could never cause scandals, +Besides which they did not go soft. + +Said another young woman of Croft, +Amusing herself in the loft, + "A salami or wurst + Is what I'd choose first -- +With bologna you know you've been boffed." +% +There was a young woman, quite handsome, +Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. + When she offered much gold + For release, she was told +That the view was worth more than the ransom. +% +There was a young woman whose stammer +Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; + But they were not improved + When her husband was moved +To knock out her teeth with a hammer. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was an old abbess quite shocked +To find nuns where the candles were locked. + Said the abbess, "You nuns + Should behave more like guns, +And never go off till you're cocked." +% +There was an old bishop from Buckingham +Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. + His wife with distain + Could scarcely restrain +That sprightly old bishop from * * *. +% +There was an old count of Swoboda +Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. + So, with great savoir-faire, + She stood on a chair +And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. +% +There was an old curate of Hestion +Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. + But so small was his tool + He could scarce screw a spool, +And a cunt was quite out of the question. +% +There was an old fellow named Art +Who awoke with a horrible start, + For down by his rump + Was a generous lump +Of what should have been just a fart. +% +There was an old fellow named Skinner +Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. + But still, by and large, + It would always discharge +Once he could just get it in her. +% +There was an old feminine blighter +Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. + She would cream her own pool + While she sucked off his tool -- +How his cock in her cunt would excite her! +% +There was an old gent from Kentuck +Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, + But he put it away + For fear that one day +He might put it in and get stuck. +% +There was an old girl of Kilkenny +Whose usual charge was a penny. + For half of that sum + You could finger her bum-- +A source of amusement to many. +% +There was an old harlot from Dijon +Who in her old age got religion. + "When I'm dead & gone," + Said she, "I'll take on +The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." +% +There was an old hermit named Dave +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + He said "I'll admit + I'm a bit of a shit, +But look at the money I save." +% +There was an old lady of Bingly +Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. + I thought I had got + A bloke for my twat, +But he seems rather queenly than kingly." +% +There was an old lady of Glascow, +Whose party proved quite a fiasco. + At nine-thirty, about, + The lights all went out, +Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. +% +There was an old lady of Kewry +Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': + The `introitus vaginae', + Was unnaturally tiny, +And the thought of it filled her with fury. +% +There was an old lady who lay +With her legs wide apart in the hay, + Then, calling the ploughman, + She said, "Do it now, man! +Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." +% +There was an old maid from Cape Cod +Who thought all good things came from god. + But it wasn't the almighty + Who lifted her nighty, +It was Roger, the lodger, by god. +% +There was an old man from Bengal +Who liked to do tricks in the hall. + His favorite trick + Was to stand on his dick +While he rolled around on one ball. +% +There was an old man from Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + Or his fingers and toes +And he came thru a hole in his tooth. +% +There was an old man from Fort Drum +Whose son was incredibly dumb. + When he urged him ahead, + He went down instead, +For he thought to succeed meant succumb. +% +There was an old man of Alsace +Who played the trombone with his ass. + He put in a trap + To take out the crap, +But the vapors corroded the brass. +% +There was an old man of Brienz +The length of whose cock was immense: + With one swerve he could plug + A boy's bottom in Zug, +And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. +% +There was an old man of Cajon +Who never could get a good bone. + With the aid of a gland + It grew simply grand; +Now his wife cannot leave it alone. +% +There was an old man of Calcutta +Who spied through a chink in the shutter. + But all he could see + Was his wife's bare knee, +And the back of the bloke who was up her. +% +There was an old man of Connaught +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." +% +There was an old man of Duddee +Who came home as drunk as could be. + He wound up the clock + With the end of his cock, +And buggered his wife with the key. +% +There was an old man of Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + And with fingers and toes, +And he came through a hole in his tooth. +% +There was an old man of Hong Kong +Who never did anything wrong. + He would lie on his back + With his head in a sack +And secretly finger his dong. +% +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When asked, "Does it hurt?" + He relied, "No, it doesn't. +I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." +% +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When asked, "Does it hurt?" + He relied, "No, it doesn't. +I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." + -- W.S. Gilbert +% +There was an old man of Tagore +Whose tool was a yard long or more, + So he wore the damn thing + In a surgical sling +To keep it from wiping the floor. +% +There was an Old Man of the Mountain +Who frigged himself into a fountain + Fifteen times had he spent, + Still he wasn't content, +He simply got tired of the counting. +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man who said, "Tush! +My balls always hang in the brush, + And I fumble about, + Half in and half out, +With a pecker as limber as mush." +% +There was an old man with a beard +Who said, "It is just what I feared! + Two owls and a hen, + Four larks and a wren +Have all built their nests in my beard!" +% +There was an old person of Ware +Who had an affair with a bear. + He explained, "I don't mind, + For it's gentle and kind, +But I wish it had slightly less hair." +% +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates + He fell on his cutlass + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +% +There was an old satyr named Mack +Whose prick had a left handed tack. + If the ladies he loves + Don't spin when he shoves, +Their cervixes frequently crack. +% +There was an old Scot named McTavish +Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. + The object of rape + Was the wrong sex of ape, +And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. +% +There was an old whore from Silesia +Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, + For a slight extra sum + You can go up my bum +But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." +% +There was an old whore in the Azores +Whose body was covered with festers & sores. + Why the dogs in the street + Wouldn't eat the green meat +That hung in festoons from her drawers. +% +There was an old woman of Ghent +Who swore that her cunt had no scent. + She got fucked so often + At last she got rotten, +And didn't she stink when she spent. +% +There was once a mechanic named Bench +Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. + With this vibrant device + He could reach, in a trice, +The innermost parts of a wench. +% +There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife-- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is, they all do it well. +% +There were three ladies of Huxham, +And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, + And when that game grows stale + We sits on a rail, +And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. +% +There were three young ladies of Birmingham, +And this is the scandal concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And tickled the cock +Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. + +Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, +He'd been to a good public school, + So he took down their britches + And buggered those bitches +With his ten-inch episcopal tool. + +Then up spoke a lady from Kew, +And said, as the Bishop withdrew, + "The vicar is quicker + And thicker and slicker, +And longer and stronger than you." + -- Abuses of the Clergy +% +There's a charming young girl in Tobruk +Who refers to her quiff as a nook. + It's deep and it's wide, + -- You can curl up inside +With a nice easy chair and a book. +% +There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu +Who's often been screwed by yours truly, + But now--it's appallin'-- + My balls always fall in! +I fear that I've fucked her unduly. +% +There's a dowager near Sweden Landing +Whose manners are odd and demanding. + It's one of her jests + To suck off her guests -- +She hates to keep gentlemen standing. +% +There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock +Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, + But her cunt's got a pucker + That's best not to fuck, or +When least you expect it to, it'll lock. +% +There's a rather odd couple in Herts +Who are cousins (or so each asserts); + Their sex is in doubt + For they're never without +Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, +Who's been coxing the varsity crew. + In the shell Sue is great, + But her boyfriend's irate, +When she calls out the stroke as they screw. +% +There's a tavern in London that's staffed, +By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: + In her striving to please, + She serves ale on her knees, +So the patrons get head with their draft. +% +There's a very hot babe at the Aggies +Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. + The seniors go round + Hanging down to the ground, +And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. +% +There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, +Since his shocking perversions are various... + He will bugger some lad + With a dildo (the cad!) +While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" +% +There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, +Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. + When one pireg is shot, + There's that alternate twat, +But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. +% +There's an oversexed lady named Whyte +Who insists on a dozen a night. + A fellow named Cheddar + Had the brashness to wed her- +His chance of survival is slight. +% +There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, +Exceedingly hard to get onto, + But when you get there, + And have parted the hair, +You can fuck her as much as you want to. +% +They had come in the fugue to the stretto +When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto + Slipped forward and grabbed + Her tresses and stabbed +Her to death with a rusty stiletto. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, +Was to do what man normally does, + She declared, "I'm a Soul- + Not a sexual goal!" +So he shrugged and called someone who was. +% +Though most of the crewmen are whites, +Uhura has full equal rights. + Her crewmates, you see, + Love De-mo-cra-cy, +And the way that she fills out her tights. +% +Though the invalid Saint of Brac +Lay all of his life on his back, + His wife got her share, + And the pilgrims now stare +At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. +% +'Tis a custom in Castellamare +To fuck in the back of a lorry. + The chassis and springs + Are like woodwinds and strings +In the midst of a musical soiree. +% +To a weepy young woman in Thrums +Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes + Of allowing your tears + To fall into my ears - +I think they have rotted the drums." + -- Edward Gorey +% +To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. +Their fertility was somewhat unstable. + He constructed a bed + Out of tree trunks and said, +"Even adders can multiply on a log table." +% +To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! +Your cunt is as big as a dish!" + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool +It's like driving a nail with a fish!" +% +To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : +"I trust you will show some forbearance. + My sexual habits + I picked up from rabbits, +And occasionally watching my parents." +% +To his bride said economist Fife : +"The semen you'll launch as my wife, + We will salvage and freeze + To resemble goat's cheese, +And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." +% +To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Has the east tit the least bit + The best of the west tit, +Or is it the faulty perspective?" +% +To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Is your east tit the least bit + The best of your west tit, +Or is it a trick of perspective?" +% +To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, +As he poured his post-prandial tipple, + "Your mother's behaviour + Gave pain to Our Saviour, +And that's why He made you a cripple." + -- Edward Gorey +% +Two anglers were fishing off Wight +And his bobber was dipping all night. + Murmured she, with a laugh, + "It's ready to gaff, +But don't break your rod which is light." + +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. + +As two consular clerks in Madras +Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, + "What a marvelous pole," + Said she, "but control +Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." +% +Two eager young men from Cawnpore +Once buggared and fucked the same whore. + But her partition split + And the blood and the shit +Rolled out in a mess on the floor. +% +Two roosters in one of our pens +Found their pricks were no larger than wens. + As they looked at their foreskins + And wished they had more skins, +They discovered they'd both become hens. +% +Under the spreading chestnut tree +The village smith he sat, + Amusing himself + By abusing himself +And catching the load in his hat. +% +Une joile epousetta a Tours +Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. + Mais le mari disait, "Non! + De trop n'est pas bon! +Mon derriere exige du secours!" +% +Visas erat: huic geminarum +Dispar modus testicularum: + Minor haec nihili, + Palma triplici, +Jam fecerat altera clarum. +% +We dedicate this to the cunt, +The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : + All hail to the twat, + Willing, thrilling, and hot, +That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! +% +When I was a baby, my penis +Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. + But now 'this as red + As her nipples instead-- +All because of the feminie genus! +% +When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, +Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, + "Was he modest or vain?" + "Was he regal or plain?" +She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" +% +When you fuck little Annie in Anza +You get a great bossom bonanza: + Sucking Annie's soft tits + Makes her throw fifty fits, +And the fuck is a sextravaganza! +% +While his duchess lay practically dead, +The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: + "Can it be this is all? + How puny! How small! +Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." + -- Edward Gorey +% +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +% +While out on a date in his Fiat, +The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" + As he bent down to seek, + She let out a shriek: +"That's not where it's likely to be at." +% +While spending the winter at Pau +Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." + So the head-porter made her + And the second-cook laid her; +The waiters were all hanging low. +% +While Titian was mixing rose madder, +His model reclined on a ladder. + Her position to Titian + Suggested coition, +So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. +% +While travelling in farthest Tibet, +Lord Irongate found cause to regret + The buttered-up tea, + A pain in his knee, +And the frivolous tourists he met. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Winter is here with his grouch, +The time when you sneeze and you slouch. + You can't take your women + Canoein' or swimmin', +But a lot can be done on a couch. +% +With his penis in turgid erection, +And aimed at woman's mid-section, + Man looks most uncouth + In that Moment of Truth, +But she sheathes it with loving affection. +% +You Women's Lib gals won't agree, +But dependent on men you must be: + You'll need a him + With a rod firm and trim, +To puggle your water-drains free! +% +Young Frederick the great was a beaut. +To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. + If you'll come to my palace, + I'll finger your phallus, +And then I shall blow on your flute." +% +You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, +Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : + He buggers the choir + As they sing "Ave Maria," +And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. +% diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick.fake b/fortune/datfiles/limerick.fake deleted file mode 100644 index 3b3f5a3d..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick.fake +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2 +0,0 @@ -There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this -system. For further details, contact your system administrator. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick.real deleted file mode 100644 index f7521b03..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick.real +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5388 +0,0 @@ -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I am wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a great dane " -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beautiful belle of Del Norte -Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty - Because during the day - She says: "Boys, keep away!" -But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. -% -A beautiful lady named Psyche -Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. - One thing about Ike - The lady can't like -Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. -% -A beetling young woman named Pridgets -Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; - Off the end of a wharf - She once pushed a dwarf -Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression -Sold cigars at a key-club concession. - When she swiveled about - Even strong men cried out, -For her costume did not keep her flesh in. -% -A bobby of Nottingham Junction -Whose organ had long ceased to function - Deceived his good wife - For the rest of her life -With the aid of his constable's truncheon. -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was diddling a collie- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was fucking a collie -- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A burleyque dancer, a pip -Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; - But she read science fiction - And died of constriction -Attempting a Moebius strip. - -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" -% -A busy young lady named Gloria -Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -A cabin boy on an old clipper -Grew steadily flipper and flipper. - He plugged up his ass - With fragments of glass -And thus circumcised his old skipper. -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -Without even leaving his grodge. -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge, -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - With his date all strapped in - He committed a sin -Without even leaving the garage. - -- "A Boy and His Dog" -% -A cautious young fellow named Tunney -Had a whang that was worth any money. - When eased in half-way, - The girl's sigh made him say, -"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." -% -A certain young man, it was noted, -Went about in the heat thickly-coated; - He said, "You may scoff, - But I shan't take it off; -Underneath I am horribly bloated." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A certain young person of Ghent, -Uncertain if lady or gent, - Shows his organs at large - For a small handling charge -To assist him in paying the rent. -% -A certain young sheik of Algiers -Said to his harem, "My dears, - Though you may think it odd of me, - I'm tired of just sodomy -Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) -% -A chap down in Oklahoma -Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, - But the sweetness of pitch - Couldn't put off the hitch -Of impotence, size and aroma. -% -A charmer from old Amarillo, -Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, - Decided one day - That to keep men away -She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. -% -A chippy who worked in Black Bluff -Had a pussy as large as a muff. - It had room for both hands - And some intimate glands, -And was soft as a little duck's fluff. -% -A clerical student named Pryne -Through pain sought to reach the divine: - He wore a hair shirt, - Quite often ate dirt, -And bathed every Friday in brine. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The goddam thing broke -And beat both his balls to a creame. -% -A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : - "On my minuscule salary - I must watch every calorie, -So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" -% -A computer called Illiac4 -Had a rather tough bug in its core. - It chewed up its cards - And spewed yards and yards -Of illegible tape on the floor. -% -A computer, to print out a fact, -Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, -If the input was short of exact. - -- Gigo -% -A contortionist hailing from Lynch -Used to rent out his tool by the inch. - A foot cost a quid -- - He could and he did -Stretch it to three in a pinch. -% -A corpulent maiden named Kroll -Had a notion exceedingly droll: - At a masquerade ball, - Dressed in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker House roll. -% -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. -% -A cowhand way out in Seattle -Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. - He said, "No, I can't fuck - A lamb or a duck, -But golly! it just fits the cattle." -% -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. -% -A cute little twerp from Samoa -Had a cock of one inch and no moa. - It was good for keyholes - And debutantes' peeholes -But not worth a damn on a whoa. -% -A daredevil skater named Lowe, -Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, - But is proudest of doing, - Some incredible screwing, -Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! -% -A deep-throated virgin named Netty -Was sucking a cock on the jetty. - She said, "It tastes nice, - Much better than rice, -Though not quite as good as spaghetti." -% -A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : - "I never could quite - Believe till tonight -Our anatomies would coincide." -% -A dentist, young doctor Malone, -Got a charming girl patient alone, - And, in his depravity, - Filled the wrong cavity. -God, how his practice has grown. -% -A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, -With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, - Let his third-story front, - To a willing young cunt, -Who supplied him a new lease on life! -% -A desperate spinster from Clare -Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, - And prayed to her God - For a romp on the sod-- -'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. -% -A distinguished professor from Swarthmore -Got along with a sexy young sophomore. - As quick as a glance - He stripped off his pants, -But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - She blew her vagina - To South Carolina, -And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. - -A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, -Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. - They found her vagina, - In South Carolina, -And part of her ass in Brazil. -% -A dolly in Dallas named Alice, -Whose overworked sex is all callous, - Wore the foreskin away - On uncircumcised Ray, -Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. -% -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace; - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace. - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" -% -A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, -Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, - Had achieved some reknown - For her tone going down-- -There's a nice civil tongue in her head. -% -A fair-haired young damsel named Grace -Thought it very, very foolish to place - Her hand on your cock - When it turned hard as rock, -For fear it would explode in your face. -% -A farmer I know named O'Doole -Had a long and incredible tool. - He can use it to plow, - Or to diddle a cow, -Or just as a cue-stick at pool. -% -A fellatrix's healthful condition -Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. - Her remarkable diet - (I suggest that you try it) -Was only her clients' emission. -% -A fellow whose surname was Hunt -Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: - This versatile spout - Could be turned inside out, -Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. -% -A fisherman off of Cape Cod -Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" - But the high-minded fish - Resented his wish, -And nimbly swam off with his rod. -% -A foolish geologist from Kissen -Just didn't know what he was missin', - By studying rock - And neglecting his cock, -And using it merely for pissin'. -% -A Frenchman who lived in Alsace -Had sex with a virgin named Grace. - When he popped her cherry, - She made things hairy -By bleeding all over his face. -% -A frustrated lady named Alice -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - They found her vagina - In North Carolina -And bits of her tits were in Dallas. -% -A gay young prince from Morocco -Made love in a manner rococco. - He painted his penis - To resemble a venus -And flavored his semen with cocoa. -% -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -% -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A german composer named Bruckner -Remarked to a lady while fuckener : - "Less lento, my dear, - With your cute little rear; -I like a hot presto when muckener!" -% -A gift was delivered to Laura -From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; - Wrapped in tissue and crepe, - It was peeled, like a grape, -And emitted a pale, greenish aura. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A gifted young fellow from Sparta -Was widely renowned as a farta'. - He could fart anything - From "Of Thee I Sing," -To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." -% -A girl camper once had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - When she gave him his hat - She realized that -She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. -% -A girl of the Enterprise crew -Refused every offer to screw. - But a Vulcan named Spock - Crawled under her smock, -And now she is eating for two. -% -A girl of uncertain nativity -Had an ass of extreme sensitivity - While she sat on the lap - Of a German or Jap, -She could sense Fifth Column activity. -% -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% -A greedy young lady from Sidney -Liked it in up to her kidney, - Till a man from Quebec - Shoved it up to her neck-- -He really diddled her, didn' he? -% -A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds -Once swallowed a package of seeds. - In a month, his ass - Was covered with grass -And his balls were grown over with weeds. -% -A guest in a household quite charmless -Was informed its eccentric was harmless: - "If you're caught unawares - At the head of the stairs, -Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A habit depraved and unsavory -Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery - Midst screeches and howls - He deflowered young owls -Which he kept in an underground aviary -% -A habit obscene and bizarre, -Has taken a-hold of papa. - He brings home young camels - And other odd mammals, -And gives them a go at mama. -% -A habit obscene and unsavory, -Holds a CS professor in slavery. - With maniacal howls, - He deflowers young owls, -That he keeps in an underground aviary. -% -A hacker who screwed a mag tape -Was caught and convicted of rape. - To jail he did go, - From which, to his woe -He couldn't get out with ESC. -% -A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk -Made love to the drive of his disk. - The thing circumsized him, - Which rather suprised him. -He wasn't aware of *that* risk. -% -A handsome young rodent named Gratian -As a lifeguard became a sensation. - All the lady mice waved - And screamed to be saved -By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. -% -A happy old hooker named Grace -Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. - It was hard for beginners - To tell who were winners : -There were cunt hairs all over the place. -% -A hardware debugger named Court -Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. - But its buffer array - Only handled 1K, -So the port's driver cut it off short. -% -A haughty young wench of Del Norte -Would fuck only men over forty. - Said she, "It's too quick - With a young fellow's prick; -I like it to last, and be warty." -% -A headstrong young woman in Ealing -Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; - When quizzed why she did, - She replied, "To be rid -Of a strange, overpowering feeling." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." -% -A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." -% -A hidebound young virgin named Carrie -Would say, when the fellows got hairy : - "Keep your prick in your pants - Till the end of this dance--" -Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. -% -A highly aesthetic young Jew -Had eyes of a heavenly blue; - The end of his dillie - Was shaped like a lilly, -And his balls were too utterly two! -% -A highway patrol buff named Claire, -Once screwed half a troop on a dare, - And her parts grew so hot, - There was steam on her twat, -So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! -% -A horny young fellow named Reg, -Was jerking off under a hedge. - The gardener drew near - With a huge pruning shear, -And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. -% -A huge-organed female in Dallas, -Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, - Was virgo intacto, - Because, ipso facto, -No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. -% -A joker who haunts Monticello -Is really a terrible fellow. - In the midst of caresses - He fills ladies dresses -With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. -% -A lacklustre lady of Brougham -Weaveth all night at her loom. - Anon she doth blench - When her lord and his wench -Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. -% -A lad, at his first copulation, -Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, - Gyration, elation - Throughout the duration, -I guess I'll give up masturbation." -% -A lad from far-off Transvaal -Was lustful, but tactful withal. - He'd say, just for luck, - "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" -But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. -% -A lad of the brainier kind -Had erogenous zones in his mind. - He got his sensations, - By solving equations, -(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) -% -A lady born under a curse -Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; - From the back she would wail - Through a thickness of veil: -"Things do not get better, but worse." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady both callous and brash -Met a man with a vast black moustache; - She cried, "Shave it, O do! - And I'll put it with glue -On my hat as a sort of panache." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady from Kalamazoo -Once found she had nothing to do, - So she sat on the stairs - And she counted her hairs: -4,302. -% -A lady from Old Little Rock -In fidelity took little stock, - And deserted her man - In the streets of Japan -For a boy with a prehensile cock. -% -A lady removing her scanties, -Heard them crackle electrical chanties. - Said her beau, "Have no fear, - For the reason is clear: -You simply have amps in your panties. -% -A lady stockholder quite hetera -Decided her fortune to bettera: - On the floor, quite unclad, - She successively had -Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... -% -A lady was seized with intent -To revise her existence misspent. - So she climbed up the dome - Of St. Peter's in Rome, -Where she stayed through the following Lent. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady while dining at Crewe -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout, - And don't wave it about, -Or the others will all want one too." -% -A lady, while dining in Crewe, -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout - Or wave it about -Or the others will ask for one, too." -% -A lady who signs herself "Vexed" -Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: - "I don't mind my shins - Being stuck full of pins, -But I fear I am coming unsexed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady with features cherubic -Was famed for her area pubic. - When they asked her its size - She replied in surprise, -"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" -% -A lass at the foot of her class -Asked a brainier chick how to pass. - She replied, "With no fuss - You can get a B-plus, -By letting the prof pat your ass." -% -A lecherous barkeep named Dale, -After fucking his favorite female, - Mixed Drambuie and scotch - With the cream in her crotch -For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. -% -A licentious old justice of Salem -Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. - But instead of a fine - He would stand them in line, -With his common-law tool to impale 'em. -% -A limerick packs laughs anatomical -Into space that is quite economical. - But the good ones I've seen - So seldom are clean, -And the clean ones so seldom are comical. -% -A linguist thought it a farce -That memory space was so sparse. - One day they increased it. - Said he as he seized it: -"At last! Enough core for the parse". -% -A lonely young lad of Eton -Used always to sleep with the heat on, - Till he ran into a lass - Who showed him her ass -- -Now they sleep with only a sheet on. -% -A lovely young diver named Nancy, -Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, - The fish of Bonaire, - Watched her Derriere, -And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. -% -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they could. -% -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they cude. -% -A lusty young maid from Seattle -Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; - Till she found a bull - Who filled her so full -It made both her ovaries rattle. -% -A lusty young woodsman of Maine -For years with no woman had lain, - But he found sublimation - At a high elevation -In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! -% -A madam who ran a bordello -Put come in her pineapple jello, - For the rich, sexy taste - And not wanting to waste -That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. -% -A maestro directing in Rome -Had a quaint way of driving it home. - Whoever he climbed - Had to keep her tail timed -To the beat of his old metronome. -% -A maiden who lived in Virginny -Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. - The horsey set rushed her, - But success finally crushed her -For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. -% -A maiden who travelled in France -Once got on a train, just by chance. - The engineer fucked her, - The conductor sucked her, -And the fireman came in his pants. -% -A maiden who wrote of big cities -Some songs full of love, fun and pities, - Sold her stuff at the shop - Of a musical wop -Who played with her soft little titties. -% -A man was once heard to boast, -That he received a parcel by post, - It contained, so we heard, - A magnificent turd, -And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. -% -A marine being sent to Hong Kong -Got a doctor to alter his dong. - He sailed off with a tool - Flat and thin as a rule - -When he got there he found he was wrong. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Had a hexhedronical ball, - And the square of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight, -Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Has a hexahedronical ball, - And the cube of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call... -% -A mathematician named Klein -Thought the Mobius band was divine. - Said he, "If you glue - The edges of two, -You'll get a weird bottle like mine! -% -A middle-aged codger named Bruin -Found his love life completely in ruin, - For he flirted with flirts - Wearing pants and no skirts, -And he never got in for no screwin'. -% -A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, -Who was lonely and wanted a futter. - She had nowhere to turn, - So she diddled a churn, -And managed to come with the butter. -% -A mortician who practised in Fife -Made love to the corpse of his wife. - "How could I know, Judge? - She was cold, did not budge-- -Just the same as she'd acted in life." -% -A nasty old drunk in Carmel -Thinks it funny to piss in the well. - He says, "Some don't favor - That unusual flavor, -But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" -% -A nervous young fellow named Fred -Took a charming young widow to bed. - When he'd diddled a while - She remarked with a smile, -"You've got it all in but the head." -% -A new dramatist of the absurd -Has a voice that will shortly be heard. - I learn from my spies - He's about to devise -An unprintable three-letter word. -% -A newlywed couple from Goshen -Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. - In twenty-eight days - They got laid eighty ways -- -Imagine such fucking devotion! -% -A newly-wed man of Peru -Found himself in a terrible stew: - His wife was in bed - Much deader than dead, -And so he had no one to screw. -% -A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, -In the pleasures of men was well-versed. - Reads the sign o'er the head - Of her well-rumpled bed -"The customer always comes first." -% -A novice was told by the Abbot: -"Consider the goat and the rabbit. - While they roll in the hay - You just stay home and pray. -You've got to get out of that habit." -% -A nudist resort at Benares -Took a midget in all unawares. - But he made members weep - For he just couldn't keep -His nose out of private affairs. -% -A nurse motivated by spite -Tied her infantine charge to a kite; - She launched it with ease - On the afternoon breeze, -And watched till it flew out of sight. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A pansy who lived in Khartoum -Took a lesbian up to his room. - They argued all night - Over who had the right -To do what, with which, and to whom. -% -A passionate red-haired girl -When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, - And her twat would get wet, - And would wiggle and fret, -And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. -% -A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux -Fell in love with a dashing young beau. - To arrest his regard - She would squat in his yard -And longingly pee in the sneaux. -% -A petulant man once said, "Pish, -Your cunt is as big as a dish." - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool, -It's like driving a pin with a fish." -% -A physical fellow named Fisk -Could screw at a rate very brisk. - So fast was his action - The Fitzgerald contraction -Would shrink up his rod to a disk. -% -A pious old woman named Tweak -Had taught her vagina to speak. - It was frequently liable - To quote from the Bible, -But when fucking -- not even a squeak! -% -A pious young lady named Finnegan -Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; - So time it aright, - Make it last through the night, -For I certainly don't want to sin again!" -% -A pious young lady of Chichester -Made all of the saints in their niches stir - And each morning at matin - Her breast in pink satin -Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. -% -A playful young chemist named Byrd -Had an urge that could not be deferred. - So to irritate Knox - He shit in his sox, -And plastered the walls with his turd. -% -A plumber whose name was John Brink -Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. - Her resistance was stout, - And John Brink petered out, -With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. -% -A potter who lived in Bombay -Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; - But the heat of his prick - Kilned the damn thing to brick -And chafed all his foreskin away. -% -A pretty wife living in Tours -Demanded her daily amour. - But the husband said, "No! - It's to much. Let it go! -My backsides are dragging the floor." -% -A pretty young boy known as Kevin -Was raped in a pasture by seven - Lascivious beasts - (Oh, those Anglican priests) -And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young maiden from France -Decided she'd "just take a chance." - She let herself go - For an hour or so, -And now all her sisters are aunts. -% -A princess who lived near a bog -Met a prince in the form of a frog. - Now she and her prince - Are the parents of quints, -Four boys and one fine polliwog. -% -A princess who reigned in Baroda -Made her home on a purple pagoda. - She festooned the walls - Of her halls with the balls -And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. -% -A programmer down in Moline -Said, I'm the match for any machine. - My secret's aversion, - To loops and recursion, -Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W.J. Wilson -% -A progressive professor named Winners -Held classes each evening for sinners. - They were graded and spaced - So the vile and debased -Would not be held back by beginners. -% -A rapist who reeked of cheap booze -Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. - She cried, "I suppose - There's no time for my clothes, -But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" -% -A rapturous young fellatrix -One day was at work on five pricks. - With an unholy cry - She whipped out her glass eye: -"Tell the boys I can now take on six." -% -A reckless young lady of France -Had no qualms about taking a chance, - But she thought it was crude - To get screwed in the nude, -So she always went home with damp pants. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians; -They have such peculiar diversions. - They make love the whole day - In the usual way -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians, -They have such peculiar diversions. - They screw the whole day - In the regular way, -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A responsive young girl from the East -In bed was an able artiste. - She had learned two positions - From family physicians, -And ten more from the old parish priest. -% -A romantic attraction has clung -To a chap of whom damsels have sung: - "'Tis the Scourge from the East, - That lascivious beast -Who was known as Attila the Hung!" -% -A sailor who slept in the sun, -Woke to find his fly buttons undone, - He remarked with a smile, - "Good grief, a sun-dial! -And now it's a quarter-past one." -% -A savvy young hooker named Gail -Got busted and lodged in the jail. - But the jailer got hot, - To be lodged in her twat, -And so Gail made the bail with her tail. -% -A scandal involving an oyster -Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister - She preferred it, in bed, - To the count (so she said) -'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. -% -A scream from the crypt of St. Giles -Resounded for miles upon miles. - Said the friar, "Good gracious, - The brother Ignatious -Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." -% -A seafaring hacker named Slatey -Went to bed with a VAX/780. - The thing's learned to swear - With a nautical air, -And refers to its users as "matey". -% -A sex-loving coed named Bree -Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. - The joystick, she found, - Had been fooling around -With a neighboring student's PC. -% -A silly young man from Hong Kong -Had hands that were skinny and long. - He ate rice with his fingers-- - The taste of it lingers, -But now all his fingers are gone. -% -A slick talking pirate named Bruce -To steal code, had a plan to seduce - An Apple II+. - Now Bruce wears a truss -And was jailed for computer abuse. -% -A software technician from Digital -Had hardware extremely prodigical. - It's rumoured, I hear, - That when he was near -He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. -% -A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, -Made love to a lovely girl sentry. - She started to pout, - Because it fell out, -But the mission was saved by re-entry. -% -A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, -His moment of sexual truth. - He'd expected to fall - On a womb's spongy wall -But was dashed to his death on a tooth. -% -A spinster in Kalamazoo -Once strolled after dark by the zoo. - She was seized by the nape, - And fucked by an ape, -And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." - -And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, -But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry - A man with a prick - Half as stiff and as thick -As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." -% -A spunky young schoolboy named Fred -Used totoss off each night while in bed. - Said his mother, "Dear lad, - That's exceedingly bad-- -Jump in here with your mamma instead." -% -A starship commander named Kirk -Emerged from his cabin berserk. - He grabbed a girl yeoman - Beneath the abdomen, -And gave her a physical jerk. -% -A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, -Was having a captive, a person - Who was not averse - Though she had the curse, -And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. -% -A structured programmer named Drew -Was intensely turned on by "goto". - When he saw it in code - He'd shoot off his load. -It's a good thing his shop used so few. -% -A studious professor named Nestor -Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. - But she drained out his balls - And skipped up the walls, -Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. -% -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess " -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess!" -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% -A systems programmer named Sprotic -Found his software intensely erotic. - In jealous distress - He wiped his OS. -It's possible that he's psychotic. -% -A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, -Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. - While the man detumesced - She still spent on with zest, -Her rapture sheer anachronism. -% -A talented girl from Detroit -Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point or finer -Or open it out like a quoit. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called te umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called the umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A teenage protester named Lil -Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill - First they bugged our martinis, - Our bras and bikinis, -And now they are bugging the pill." -% -A thrice-married gal from L.A. -Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, - 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, - The voyeur only gawked at it, -And my most recent man's a gourmet." -% -A tidy young lady of Streator -Dearly loved to nibble a peter. - She always would say, - "I prefer it this way. -I think it is very much neater." -% -A timid young woman named Jane -Found parties a terrible strain; - With movements uncertain - She'd hide in a curtain -And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A tired young trollop of Nome -Was worn out from her toes to her dome. - Eight miners came screwing, - But she said, "Nothing doing; -One of you has to go home!" -% -A trapper named Francois Lefebrve -Once captured and buggered a beabrve. - The result of this fuck - Was a three titted duck, -A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. -% -A tutor who tooted a flute -Tried to tutor two tutors to toot - Said the two to the tutor: - "Is it harder to toot or -To tutor two tutors to toot" -% -A vengeful technician named Schmitz -Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. - He covered the platter - With bats' fecal matter. -Now it's seek time is really the pits. -% -A very intelligent turtle -Found programming UNIX a hurdle - The system, you see, - Ran as slow as did he, -And that's not saying much for the turtle. -% -A very odd pair are the Pitts: -His balls are as large as her tits, - Her tits are as large - As an invasion barge-- -Neither knows how the other cohabits. -% -A wanton young lady from Wimley -Reproached for not acting quite primly - Said, "Heavens above! - I know sex isn't love, -But it's such an entrancing facsimile." -% -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% -A weary old lecher named Blott -Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. - Too lazy to rape her, - He made darts out of paper, -Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. -% -A whimsical fellow named Bloch -Could beat the base drum with his cock. - With a special erection - He could play a selection -From Johann Sebastian Bach. -% -A wicked stone cutter named Cary -Drilled holes in divine statuary. - With eyes full of malice - He pulled out his phallus, -And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. -% -A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket -Had a hole as big as a basket. - A spot, as a bride, - In it now, you could hide, -And include with your luggage your mascot. -% -A widow whose singular vice -Was to keep her late husband on ice - Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- - I'll never defrost him! -Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." -% -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -And I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% -A wonderful bird is the pelican. -His mouth can hold more than his belican. - He can take in his beak - Enough food for a week. -I'm darned if I know how the helican. -% -A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, -Renowned for the length of their peenies. - The hair on their balls - Sweeps the floors of their halls, -But they don't look at women, the meanies. -% -A wood-fetish busboy named Gable -Is rapid, is thorough, is able; - But when everything's cleared, - He gives way to the weird, -As he lovingly busses each table. -% -A worn-out young husband named Lehr -Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: - "Slip on a sheath, quick, - Then slip your big dick -Between these lips covered with hair." -% -A worried young man from Stamboul -Discovered red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." -% -A worried young man from Stamboul -Founds lots of red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic; -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" -% -A young bride and groom of Australia -Remarked as they joined genitalia : - "Though the system seems odd, - We are thankful that God -Developed the genus Mammalia." -% -A young fellow discovered through Freud -That although of penis devoid, - He could practice coitus - By eating a foetus, -And his parents were quite overjoyed. -% -A young Juliet of St. Louis -On a balcony stood acting screwy. - Her Romeo climbed, - But he wasn't well timed, -And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! -% -A young lad named Lester McGraw -Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. - As he watched him stick her - He said, with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than Paw." -% -A young lady sat by the sea, -Just as proper as proper could be. - A young fellow goosed her, - And roughly seduced her, -So she thanked him and went home to tea. -% -A young lady who lived by the Usk -Subsisted each day on a rusk; - She ate the first bite - Before it was light, -And the last crumb sometime after dusk. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young lass got married at Chester; -Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. - Said she, "You're in luck -- - 'E's a stunning good fuck, -For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." -% -A young maiden from France was no prude, -She decided to dive in the nude, - But her buddy, behind, - Went out of his mind, -When he noticed where she was tatooed. -% -A young man by a girl was desired -To give her the thrills she required, - But he died of old age - Ere his cock could assuage -The volcanic desire it inspired. -% -A young man from the banks of the Po -Found his cock had elongated so, - That when he'd pee - It was never he -But only his neighbors who'd know. -% -A young man grew increasingly peaky -In a house where the hinges were squeaky, - The ferns curled up brown, - The ceilings flaked down, -And all of the faucets were leaky. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man maintained that his trigger -Was so big that there weren't any bigger. - But this long and thick pud - Was so heavy it could -Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. -% -A young man of acumen and daring, -Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, - Was left quite alone - When it soon became known -That their use at his board was unsparing. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll -While bent over plucking a dingle - Had the whole of Eisteddfod - Taking turns at his pod -While they sang some impossible jingle. -% -A young man with passions quite gingery -Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. - He slapped her behind - And made up his mind -To add incest to insult and injury. -% -A young polo-player of Berkeley -Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. - In the midst of each chukker - He would break off and fuck her -Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. -% -A young systems programmer of Sprotic -Found his software intensely erotic. - In jealous distress - He wiped his OS. -It's possible that he's a psychotic. -% -A young violinist from Rio -Was seducing a woman named Cleo. - As she took down her panties - She said, "No andantes; -I want this allegro con brio!" -% -A young wife in the outskirts of Reims -Preferred frigging to going to mass. - Said her husband, "Take Jacques, - Or any young cock, -For I cannot live up to your ass." -% -A young woman got married at Chester, -Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. - Says she, "You're in luck, - He's a stunning good fuck, -For I've had him myself down in Leicester." -% -According to experts, the oyster -In its shell - a crustacean cloister - - May frequently be - Either he or a she -Or both, if it should be its choice ter. -% -Alas for the Countess d'Isere, -Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. - Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" - When he parted her thighs; -"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." -% -All the female apes ran from King Kong -For his dong was unspeakably long. - But a friendly giraffe - Quaffed his yard and a half, -And ecstatically burst into song. -% -An aesthete from South Carolina -Had a cock that tickled like China, - But while shooting his load - It cracked like old Spode, -So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. -% -An agreeable girl named Miss Doves -Likes to jack off the young men she loves. - She will use her bare fist - If the fellows insist -But she really prefers to wear gloves. -% -An AI researcher named Bluth -Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, - Eroticon VI, - Which he taught certain tricks -Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. -% -An amazon giantess named Dunne -Let a midget screw her for fun. - But the poor little runt - Was engulfed in her cunt -And re-born as the twin of his son. -% -An ambitious lady named Harriet -Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot - By seventeen sailors - A monk and three tailors, -Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. -% -An anonymous woman we knew -Was dozing one day in her pew; - When the preacher yelled "Sin!" - She said, "Count me in -As soon as the service is through." -% -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- -Corinthian, ionic, and doric. -% -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection- -Corinthian,ionic,and doric. -% -An ardent young man named Magruder -Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. - She thought it quite lewd - To be wooed in the nude, -But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. -% -An Argentine gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. - Women are fine - And sheep are divine -But llamas are numero uno." -% -An ARPAnaut name of Corvette -Had a fetish involving the net. - As he fondled his IMP - His cock went from limp -To as hard as concrete which has set. -% -An arrogant wench from Salt Lake -Liked to tease all the boys on the make. - She was finally the prize - Of a man twice her size -And all she recalls is the ache. -% -An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - devine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% -An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - divine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% -An eager young hacker named Gus -Once buggered a VAX Unibus. - The hardware went bad, - But not the young lad -(Except for the toupee and truss). -% -An eager young hacker named Gus -Once buggered a VAX Unibus. - The hardware went bad, - But not the young lad -He didn't expect all that fuss! -% -An Edwardian father named Udgeon, -Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, - Used on Saturday nights - To turn down the lights, -And chase them around with a bludgeon. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An envious girl named McMeanus -Was jealous of her lover's big penis. - It was small consolation - That the rest of the nation -Of women were with her in weeness. -% -An exotic young lady named Suki -Once danced in a troupe of kabuki - When asked for a fuck - She said, "Solly, no luck-- -See here: looky looky, no nuki " -% -An impish young fellow named James -Had a passion for idiot games. - He lighted the hair - Of his lady's affair -And laughed as she pissed through the flames. -% -An impotent Scot named MacDougall -Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. - He was gathering semen - To gender a he-man, -By screwing his wife through a bugle. -% -An incautious young woman named Venn -Was seen with the wrong sort of men; - She vanished one day, - But the following May -Her legs were retrieved from a fen. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An indefatigable woman named Bavel -Had often occasion to travel; - On the way she would sit - And furiously knit, -And on the way back she'd unravel. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An ingenious young man in South Bend -Made a synthetic ass for a friend, - But the friend shortly found - Its construction unsound, -It was simply a bother -- no end. -% -An innocent maiden named Herridge -Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; - When she later found out - What her spouse was about, -She threw herself under a carriage. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An inquisitive virgin named Dora -Asked the man who started to bore 'er : - "Do you mean birds and bees - Go through antics like these, -To suppy us our fauna and flora?" -% -An irate young lady named Booker -Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! - If you want it queer ways, - Go to whores for your lays!" -So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. -% -An octagenerian Jew -To his wife remained steadfastly true. - This was not from compunction, - But due to dysfunction -Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. -% -An old couple just at Shrovetide -Were having a piece -- when he died. - The wife for a week - Sat tight on his peak, -And bounced up and down as she cried. -% -An old electronic designer -Had designs on a minor named Dinah. - He couldn't carry them out - For his prick was too stout, -And too small was the minor's vagina. -% -An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings -Were a terrible trial to his siblings, - But he was not removed - Till one day it was proved -That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An old maid who had a pet ape -Lived in fear of perpetual rape. - His red, hairy phallus - So filled her with malice -That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. -% -An old man at the Folies Bergere -Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: - It snipped off a twat-curl - From each new chorus girl, -And he had a wig made of the hair. -% -An organist playing in York -Had a prick that could hold a small fork, - And between obbligatos - He'd munch at tomatoes, -To keep up his strength while at work. -% -An orgasmic young sex star named Sue -Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. - Her climatic fame spread - With an ad blitz that said: -Coming soon at a theater near you! -% -An uptight young lady named Breerley -Who valued her morals too dearly - Had sex, so I hear, - Only once every year, -And she strained her vagina severely. -% -And earnest young woman in Thrace -Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" - So he gave her a thwack, - And did on her back, -What he couldn't have done face to face. -% -And then there's the story that's fraught -With disaster -- of balls that got caught, - When a chap took a crap - In the woods, and a trap -Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! -% -As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops -Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. - Since he thinks it's effete - To be beating his meat, -What he's into is licking his chops. -% -As he came in his chubby choirboy, -Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! - If no sodomy levens - And possible heavens, -Existence will merely annoy." -% -As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, -Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! - I could not bear the loss, - For with scarlet silk floss -My mama has embroidered their clocks." - -- Edward Gorey -% -As tourists inspected the apse -An ominous series of raps - Came from under the altar, - Which caused some to falter -And others to shriek and collapse. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, -"Do I sin if I do what I want, if - I screw a young nun - In the eastertide sun?" -His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." -% -At a contest for farting in Butte -One lady's exertion was cute : - It won the diploma - For fetid aroma, -And three judges were felled by the brute. -% -At a dance, a girl from Connecticut -Showed an absolute absence of etiquette - Letting all comers press - Through the skirt of her dress -And wiping the mess with her petticoat. -% -At the end of all civilization -Is the planet Terminus's location. - There's a girl there whose feat, - Without stone or concrete, -Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. -% -At the moment Japan declared war -A sailor was fucking a whore. - He said, "After this poke - `Long and hard' ain't no joke; -This means months 'til I get back ashore." -% -At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers -Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; - It beats all night long - A dirge on a gong -As it staggers about in the creepers. - -- Edward Gorey -% -At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, -Though of love we are never penurious. - Thanks to vulcanized aids, - Though we may die old maids, -At least we shall never die curious. -% -At whist drives and strawberry teas -Fan would giggle and show off her knees; - But when she was alone - She'd drink eau de cologne, -And weep from a sense of unease. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Augustus, for slpashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Augustus, for splashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Back in the days of old Adam -The grass served as mattress for madam, - And they spent the whole day - On the sex that today -They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. -% -Each Friday his engines abort, -But Scotty is never caught short. - He fills his machines - With space-navy beans, -And farts the ship back into port. -% -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot of my bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% -From deep in the crypt at St. Giles -Came a bellow that echoed for miles. - Said the rector, "My gracious, - Has Father Ignatius -Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" -% -From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, -There is really abominable news; - They've discovered a head - In the box for the bread, -But nobody seems to know whose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -From the bathing machine came a din -As of jollification within; - It was heard far and wide, - And the incoming tide -Had a definite flavour of gin. - -- Edward Gorey -% -"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" -Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. - "Since dating Miss Baugh, - My whole tongue has been raw-- -It must have been something I ate." -% -In the case of a lady named Frost, -Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, - It's the best part of valor - To bugger the gal, or -You're apt to fall in and get lost. -% -In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam, - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. -% -In the garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls and he had'em. -% -In the little French town of Le'Beau, -Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. - At a masquerade ball, - Clad in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker house roll. -% -It always delights me at Hank's -To walk up the old river banks. - One time in the grass - I stepped on an ass, -And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." -% -It had snowed, and the man in the drift, -Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" - They sat in her Bentley, - She fondled him gently, -And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! -% -The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- -No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. - Where ten thousand virgins - Succumbed to his urgin's -There now stands the great State of Utah. -% -The latest reports from Good Hope -State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, - And fuck high, wide, and free, - From the top of one tree -To the top of the next -- what a scope! -% -The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, -Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. - Once Congress in session, - Declared its suppression, -But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. -% -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% -The old archeologist, Throstle, -Discovered a marvelous fossil. - He knew from its bend - And the knot on the end, -T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. -% -There a young man from the Coast -Who had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of orgasm - Said the pallid phantasm, -"I think I can feel it -- almost!" -% -There once was a bishop from Birmingham -Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. - As they knelt on the hassock - He lifted his cassock -And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. -% -There once was a boy named Carruthers -Who was busily fucking his mother - "I know it's a sin," - He said, shoving it in, -"But it's better than blowing my brother." -% -There once was a chick named Longet, -Who went out to Aspen to play. - Along came a Spyder, - Who sat down beside her -And she blew the poor bastard away. -% -There once was a clergyman's daughter -Who detested the pony he bought her, - Till she found that its dong - Was as hard and as long -As the prayers her father had taught her. - -She married a fellow named Tony -Who soon found her fucking the pony. - Said he, "What's it got, - My dear, that I've not?" -Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used library paste, -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a couple named Kelly -Who walked around belly-to-belly. - It seems in their haste, - They used Carter's paste -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a dentist named Stone -Who saw all his patients alone. - In a fit of depravity - He filled the wrong cavity, -And my, how his practice has grown! -% -There once was a Duchess of Beever -Who slept with her golden retriever. - Said the potted old Duke : - "Such tricks make me puke! -Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." -% -There once was a Duchess of Bruges -Whose cunt was incredibly huge. - Said the king to this dame - As he thunderously came: -"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" -% -There once was a fag of Khartoom -Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. - They argued all night, - Over who had the right, -To do what, and with which, and to whom. -% -There once was a fairy named Avers -Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. - Though buggers all claimed - That their asses were maimed, -Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. -% -There once was a fellow named Bob -Who in sexual ways was a snob. - One day he was swimmin' - With twelve naked women -And deserted them all for a gob. -% -There once was a fellow named Brewster -Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, - "It used to be grand - But look at my hand -You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." -% -There once was a fellow named Howard, -Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, - While grabbing some ass, - He reached critical mass, -But think of the girl he deflowered! -% -There once was a fellow named Potts -Who was prone to having the trots - But his humble abode - Was without a commode -So his carpet was covered with spots. -% -There once was a fellow named Siegel -Who attempted to bugger a beagle, - But the mettlesome bitch - Turned and said with a twitch, -"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." -% -There once was a fellow named Sweeney -Who spilled gin all over his weenie. - Not being uncouth, - He added vermouth -And slipped his amour a martini. -% -There once was a fencer named Fisk, -Whose speed was incredibly brisk. - So fast was his action, - The Fitzgerald contraction, -Foreshortended his foil to a disk. -% -There once was a fiesty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a floozie named Annie -Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: - A buck for a fuck, - Fifty cents for a suck, -And a dime for a feel of her fanny. -% -There once was a freshman named Lin, -Whose tool was as thin as a pin, - A virgin named Joan - From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." -% -There once was a gangster named Brown -- the sneakiest bastard in town. - He was caught by G-men - Shooting his semen -Where the cops would slip and fall down. -% -There once was a gaucho named Bruno, -Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, - Sheep are just fine, - Chickens, divine, -But iguanas are Numero Uno." -% -There once was a gay young Parisian -Who screwed an appendix incision, - And the girl of his choice - Could hardly rejoice -At the horrible lack of precision. -% -There once was a girl from Cornell -Whose teats were shaped like a bell. - When you touched them they shrunk, - Except when she was drunk, -And then they got bigger than hell. -% -There once was a girl from Decatur, -Who got laid by a big alligator. - Now nobody knew - The result of that screw, -'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - ( as you bastards think ) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - (As you bastards think) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Spokane, -Went to bed with a one-legged man. - She said, "I know you-- - You've really got two! -Why didn't you say so when we began?" -% -There once was a girl named Irene -Who lived on distilled kerosene - But she started absorbin' - A new hydrocarbon -And since then has never benzene. -% -There once was a girl named Louise -Who cunt hair hung down to her knees - The crabs in her twat - Tied the hairs in a knot -And constructed a flying trapeze -% -There once was a girl named Mcgoffin -Who was diddled amazingly often. - She was rogered by scores - Who'd been turned down by whores, -And was finally screwed in her coffin. -% -There once was a girl named Priscilla -Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. - The taste was so fine - Man and beast stood in line -(Including a stud armadilla). -% -There once was a girl so lovely, -Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, - She strapped on her tanks, - And started her pranks, -But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. -% -There once was a golfer named Leer, -Who got put in the clink for a year, - For an action obscene, - On the very first green. -Where the sign said "Enter course here." -% -There once was a gouty old colonel -Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, - And he cried in his tiffin - For his prick wouldn't stiffen, -And the size of the thing was infernal. -% -There once was a guardsman from Buckingham -Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. - But when I meet boys, - God! how I enjoys -Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." -% -There once was a hacker named Ken -Who inherited truckloads of Yen. - So he built him some chicks, - Of silicon chips, -And hasn't been heard from since then. -% -There once was a handsome young seaman -Who with ladies was really a demon. - In peace or in war, - At sea or on shore, -He could certainly dish out the semen. -% -There once was a horny old bitch -With a motorized self-frigger which - She would use with delight - All day long and all night - -Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. -% -There once was a horse named Lily -Whose dingus was really a dilly. - It was vaginoid duply, - And labial quadruply -- -In fact, he was really a filly. -% -There once was a husky young Viking -Whose sexual prowess was striking. - Every time he got hot - He would scour the twat -Of some girl that might be to his liking. -% -There once was a jolly old bloke -Who picked up a girl for a poke. - He took down her pants, - Fucked her into a trance, -And then shit into her shoe for a joke. -% -There once was a kiddie named Carr -Caught a man on top of his mar. - As he saw him stick 'er, - He said with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than par." -% -There once was a lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There once was a lady from Kansas -Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. - It was nine inches deep - And the sides were quite steep -- -It had whiskers like General Carranza's. -% -There once was a lady named Carter, -Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. - She stripped off his pants, - At his prick quickly glanced, -And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" -% -There once was a lady named Clair, -Who posessed a magnificent pair. - Or that's what I thought, - Till I saw one get caught, -On a thorn and begin losing air. -% -There once was a lady named Myrtle -Who had an affair with a turtle. - She had crabs, so they say, - In a year and a day -Which proved that that turtle was fertile. -% -There once was a lawyer named Rex -With minuscule organs of sex. - Arraigned for exposure, - He maintained with composure, -"De minimis non curat lex." - - [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] -% -There once was a lifeguard named Lee -Who rescued a girl from the sea - She asked how to pay, - And he said "Try this way, -Go down for the third time on me." -% -There once was a maid from Mobile -Whose cunt was made of blue steel. - She only got thrills - From pneumatic drills -And an off-centered emery wheel. -% -There once was a man from Bombay -He would do it all night and all day - He soon became sore - You shoulda' heard him roar -When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! -% -There once was a man from Calcutta -Who used to beat off in the gutta - The heat of the sun - Affected his gun -And turned all his cream into butta! -% -There once was a man from Dunoon, -Who always ate soup with a fork. - He said "When I eat - Either fish, foul or flesh, -I otherwise finish too quick." -% -There once was a man from Exameter -Who had a prodigious diameter - But it wasn't the size - That brought forth the cries -'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a man from Madras, -Whose balls were made out of brass. - When they clanged together, - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There once was a man from Nantee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were most horrid - All ass and no forehead -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Who kept all his cash in a bucket. - His daughter, named Nan, - Ran away with a man, -And as for the bucket, Nantucket. - -The pair of them went to Manhasset, -(Nan and the man with the asset.) - Pa followed them there, - But they left in a tear, -And as for the asset, Manhasset. - -Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, -(Nan and the man with the bucket.) - Pa said to the man, - "You're welcome to Nan." -But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket, -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - As he wiped off his chin, -If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Whose dick was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." -% -There once was a man from Racine, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Both concave and convex, - It could please either sex, -But, oh, what a bastard to clean! -% -There once was a man from Sandem -Who was making his girl on a tandem. - At the peak of the make - She jammed on the brake -And scattered his semen at random. -% -There once was a man from Sydney -Who could put it up to her kidney. - But the man from Quebec - Put it up to her neck; -He had a big one, now didn't he? -% -There once was a man named Lodge, -who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -without ever leaving the garage. -% -There once was a man named McGruder, -Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. - But the girl thought it crude, - To be wooed in the nude, -So McGru took an oar and subduder. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney - So just to be couth - He added vermouth -And slipped his best girl a martini. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. - Just to be couth, - He added vermouth, -And slipped his girlfriend a martini. -% -There once was a man named Parridge -With peculiar views on marriage. - He sucked off his brother, - Fucked his own mother, -And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. -% -There once was a man with a hernia -Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, - When you work on my middle - Be sure you don't fiddle -With things that do not concern ya." -% -There once was a member of Mensa -Who was a most excellent fencer. - The sword that he used - Was his -- (line is refused, -And has now been removed by the censor). -% -There once was a miner named Dave, -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - She was ugly as shit, - And missing one tit, -But think of the money he saves. -% -There once was a monk of Camyre -Who was seized with a carnal desire - And the primary cause - Was the abbess's drawers -Which were hung up to dry by the fire. -% -There once was a newspaper vendor, -A person of dubious gender. - He would charge one-and-two - For permission to view -His remarkable double pudenda. -% -There once was a plumber from Leigh -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. - Said she, "Please stop plumbing, - I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." -% -There once was a pretty young Mrs. -Whose tearful but short story thrs. - Her mind lost its grasp - - Now she thinks she's an asp -And just sits in the corner and hrs. -% -There once was a queen of Bulgaria -Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, - Till a prince from Peru - Who came up for a screw -Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. -% -There once was a reverend at Kings -Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. - But his heart was on fire - For a boy in the choir -Whose buns were like jelly on springs. -% -There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife -- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is they all do it well." -% -There once was a sailor named Gasted, -A swell guy, as long as he lasted, - He could jerk himself off - In a basket, aloft, -Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. -% -There once was a Scot named McAmeter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - It was not the size - That cause such surprise; -'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a son-of-a-bitch, -Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, - Yet the girls he would dazzle, - And fuck to a frazzle, -And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! -% -There once was a spaceman named Spock -Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. - A girl from Missouri - Whose name was Uhura -Just fainted away from the shock. -% -There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, -Discovered his sex life was hapless: - The more he would screw - The more he'd want to, -And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. -% -There once was a Usenetter named Mark, -Whose gender was kept in the dark. - He/she/it said with a nod, - "My ancestors were odd!" -Did Noah need two for the ark? -% -There once was a whore from Regina -Who had a stupendous vagina. - To save herself time, - She had six at a time, -And another one working behind her. -% -There once was a woman from Arden -Who sucked off a man in a garden. - He said, "My dear Flo, - Where does all that stuff go?" -And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" -% -There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield -Engaged to look after the deacon's field, - But he lurked in the ditches - And diddled the bitches -Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. -% -There once was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly, - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There once was a young girl from Natches -Who chanced to be born with two snatches - She often said, "Shit! - I'd give either tit -For a guy with equipment that matches." -% -There once was a young man from Boston -Who drove around town in an Austin, - There was room for his ass, - And a gallon of gas, -So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. -% -There once was a young man from France -Who waited ten years for his chance; -Then he muffed it... -% -There once was a young man from Yuma -Who attempted sex with a puma - He gave up real quick - Minus nose, toes, and prick -In obvious pain and ill huma. -% -There once was a young man from Yuma, -Who told an elephant joke to a puma. - Now his dry bleached bones lie, - Under hot Asian skies, -'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. -% -There once was a young man named Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse, and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -And now they're interred side by side. -% -There once was a young man named Gene, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Concave and convex, - It served either sex, -And it played with itself inbetween. -% -There once was a young man named Lancelot -Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot - For when he should pass - A desirable lass -The front of his pants would advance a lot. -% -There once was an Arpanet freak, -Who better response-time did seek. - He searched coast to coast, - For a reliable host, -Whose logger took less than a week. -% -There once was an old man from Esser, -Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. - It at last grew so small, - He knew nothing at all, -And now he's a College Professor. -% -There once were two brothers named Luntz -Who buggered each other at once. - When asked to account - For this intricate mount, -They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." -% -There once were two women from Birmingham. -And this is the story concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And fondled the cock -Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. -% -There was a bluestocking in Florence -Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, - Till a Spanish grandee, - Got her off with his knee, -And she burned all her works with abhorrence. -% -There was a family named Doe, -An ideal family to know. - As father screwed mother, - She said, "You're heavier than brother." -And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" -% -There was a fat lady of China -Who'd a really enormous vagina, - And when she was dead - They painted it red, -And used it for docking a liner. -% -There was a fat man from Rangoon -Whose prick was much like a ballon. - He tried hard to ride her - And when finally inside her -She thought she was pregnant too soon. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay dog from Ontario -Who fancied himself a Lothario. - At a wench's glance - He'd snatch off his pants -And make for her Mons Venerio. -% -There was a gay parson of Norton -Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. - To make up for this loss, - He had balls like a horse, -And never spent less than a quartern. -% -There was a gay parson of Tooting -Whose roe he was frequently shooting, - Till he married a lass - With a face like my arse, -And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. -% -There was a girl from Aberystwyth -Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's son Jack - Laid her flat on her back -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a lewd fellow named Duff -Who loved to dive deep in the muff. - With his head in a whirl - He said, "Spread it, Pearl; -I cunt get enough of the stuff!" -% -There was a man from Mich. -Who used to wish and wich. - That spring would come - So he could bum -Around and go out fich. -% -There was a pianist named Liszt -Who played with one hand while he pissed, - But as he grew older - His technique grew bolder, -And in concert jacked off with his fist. -% -There was a poor parson from Goring, -Who made a small hole in his flooring, - Fur-lined it all round, - Then laid on the ground, -And declared it was cheaper than whoring. -% -There was a strong man of Drumrig -Who one day did seven times frig. - He buggered three sailors, - Four dogs and two tailors, -And ended by fucking a pig. -% -There was a teenager named Donna -Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." - Two days out of three - She would shoot LSD, -And on weekends she smoked marijuana. -% -There was a young belle of old Natchez -Whose garments were always in patchez. - When comment arose - On the state of her clothes -She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." -% -There was a young blade from South Greece -Whose bush did so greatly increase - That before he could shack - He must hunt needle in stack. -'Twas as bad as being obese. -% -There was a young bride, a Canuck, -Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. - You say that I, maybe, - Can have my first baby-- -Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" -% -There was a young bride of Antigua -Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" - Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! - Why, you've only felt my twot, -My legs and my arse and my figua!" -% -There was a young chap in Arabia -Who courted a widow named Fabia. - "Yes, my tongue is as long - As the average man's dong," -He said, licking the lips of her labia. -% -There was a young cook with the art -Of making a delicious tart - With a handful of shit, - Some snot and some spit, -And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. -% -There was a young curate whose brain -Was deranged from the use of cocaine; - He lured a small child - To a copse dark and wild, -Where he beat it to death with his cane. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young damsel named Baker -Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. - He yelled, "My God! what - Do you call this -- a twat? -Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" -% -There was a young dolly named Molly -Who thought that to frig was a folly. - Said she, "Your pee-pee - Means nothing to me, -But I'll do it just to be jolly." -% -There was a young fellow called Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -So now they're interred side by side. -% -There was a young fellow from Cal., -In bed with a passionate gal. - He leapt from the bed, - To the toilet he sped; -Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" -% -There was a young fellow from Florida -Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. - When they got into bed - He cried, "God strike me dead! -This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" -% -There was a young fellow from Kent -Whose cock was so long that it bent - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. -% -There was a young fellow from Leeds -Who swallowed a package of seeds. - Great tufts of grass - Sprouted out of his ass -And his balls were all covered with weeds. -% -There was a young fellow from Parma -Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. - Said the damsel demure, - "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, -But I must say you fuck like a farmer." -% -There was a young fellow name Tucker -Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, - Said, "Don't bow out your lips - Like an elephant's hips, -The boys like it best when they pucker." -% -There was a young fellow named Ades -Whose favorite fruit was young maids. - But sheep, nigger boys, whores, - And the knot holes in doors -Were by no means exempt from his raids. -% -There was a young fellow named Babbitt -Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, - But a girl from Johore - Could do it twice more, -Which was just enough extra to crab it. -% -There was a young fellow named Bill, -Who took an atomic pill, - His navel corroded, - His asshole exploded, -And they found his nuts in Brazil. -% -There was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There was a young fellow named Bliss -Whose sex life was strangely amiss, - For even with Venus - His recalcitrant penis -Would never do better than t - h - i - s - . -% -There was a young fellow named Bowen -Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. - It grew so tremendous, - So long and so pendulous, -'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. -% -There was a young fellow named Brewer -Whose girl made her home in a sewer. - Thus he, the poor soul, - Could get into her hole, -And still not be able to screw her! -% -There was a young fellow named Case -Who entered a cunt-lapping race. - He licked his way clean - Through Number thirteen, -But then slipped and got pissed in the face. -% -There was a young fellow named Charteris -Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. - Said she, "I don't mind, - And higher up you'll find -The place where my fucker and farter is." -% -There was a young fellow named Cribbs -Whose cock was so big it had ribs. - They were inches apart, - And to suck it took art, -While to fuck it took forty-two trips. -% -There was a young fellow named dick -Who had a magnificent prick. - It was shaped like a prism - And shot so much gism -It made every cocksucker sick. -% -There was a young fellow named Feeney -Whose girl was a terrible meany. - The hatch of her snatch - Had a catch that would latch -- She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow named Fletcher, -Was reputed an infamous lecher. - When he'd take on a whore - She'd need a rebore, -And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. -% -There was a young fellow named Fyfe -Whose marriage was ruined for life, - For he had an aversion - To every perversion, -And only liked fucking his wife. - -Well, one year the poor woman struck, -And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, - And said, "Where have you gotten us - With your goddamn monotonous -Fuck after fuck after fuck? - -"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- -And a versatile girl she was, too. - After ten years of whoredom - She perished of boredom -When she married a jackass like you!" -% -There was a young fellow named Gene -Who first picked his asshole quite clean. - He next picked his toes, - And lastly his nose, -And he never did wash in between. -% -There was a young fellow named Gluck -Who found himself shit out of luck. - Though he petted and wooed, - When he tried to get screwed -He found virgins just don't give a fuck. -% -There was a young fellow named Goody -Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? - If he found himself nude - With a gal in the mood -The question's not woody but could he? -% -There was a young fellow named Grant -Who was made like the sensitive plant. - When they asked "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could, but I can't." -% -There was a young fellow named Grimes -Who fucked his girl seventeen times - In the course of a week -- - And this isn't to speak -Of assorted venereal crimes. -% -There was a young fellow named Harry, -Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. - He grabbed him a virgin, - Who, without any urgin', -Immediately spread like a fairy. -% -There was a young fellow named Hatch -Who was fond of the music of Bach. - He said: "It's not fussy - Like Brahms and Debussy; -Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." -% -There was a young fellow named Kimble -Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, - But fragile and slender, - And dainty and tender, -So he kept it encased in a thimble. -% -There was a young fellow named Meek -Who invented a lingual technique. - It drove women frantic, - And made them romantic, -And wore all the hair off his cheek. -% -There was a young fellow named Morgan -Who possessed an unusual organ: - The end of his dong, - Which was nine inches long, -Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. -% -There was a young fellow named Paul -Who confessed, "I have only one ball. - But the size of my prick - Is God's dirtiest trick, -For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" -% -There was a young fellow named Pell -Who didn't like cunt very well. - He would finger or fuck one, - But never would suck one-- -He just couldn't get used to the smell. -% -There was a young fellow named Price -Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. - He had virgins and boys - And mechanical toys, -And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! -% -There was a young fellow named Prynne -Whose prick was so short and so thin, - His wife found she needed - A Fuckoscope -- she did -- -To see if he'd gotten it in. -% -There was a young fellow named Skinner -Who took a young lady to dinner - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -At twenty to ten it was in her. -The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. - -There was a young fellow named Tupper -Who took a young lady to supper. - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -And at twenty to ten it was up her. -Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! -% -There was a young fellow named Sweeney, -Whose girl was a terrible meanie, - The hatch of her snatch, - Had a catch that would latch, -She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow of Burma -Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. - But now that he's married he's - Been using cantharides -And the root of their love is much firmer. -% -There was a young fellow of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - He had such a tool - It was wound on a spool, -And he reeled it out inich by inich. - -But this tale has an unhappy finich, -For due to the sand in the spinach - His ballocks grew rough - And wrecked his wife's muff, -And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. -% -There was a young fellow of Harrow -Whose john was the size of a marrow. - He said to his tart, - "How's this for a start? -My balls are outside in a barrow." -% -There was a young fellow of Kent -Whose prick was so long that it bent, - So to save himself trouble - He put it in double, -And instead of coming he went. -% -There was a young fellow of Mayence -Who fucked his own arse in defiance - Not only of custom - And morals, dad-bust him, -But of most of the known laws of science. -% -There was a young fellow of Perth -Whose balls were the finest on earth. - They grew to such size - That one won a prize, -And goodness knows what they were worth. -% -There was a young fellow of Strensall -Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. - On the night of his wedding - It went through the bedding, -And shattered the chamber utensil. -% -There was a young fellow of Warwick -Who had reason for feeling euphoric, - For he could by election - Have triune erection: -Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. -% -There was a young fellow whose dong -Was prodigiously massive and long. - On each side of his whang - Two testes did hang -That attracted a curious throng. -% -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. - A woman is fine, - And a sheep is divine, -But a llama is Numero Uno." -% -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "There is one thing I do know, - Women are fine - And children devine, -But the llama is numero uno." -% -There was a young German named Ringer -Who was screwing an opera singer. - Said he with a grin, - "Well, I've sure got it in!" -Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" -% -There was a young girl from Annista -Who dated a lecherous mister. - He fondled her titty, - Got one finger shitty, -Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. -% -There was a young girl from Decatur -Who was raped by an alligator. - But no one quite knew - How she relished that screw, -For after he screwed her, he ate her. -% -There was a young girl from Dundee, -From her fanny there grew a plum tree. - No one ate the nice fruit, - To tell you the truth, -Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. -% -There was a young girl from East Lynn -Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) - Had filled up her crack - With hard-setting shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Who said, "You are utterly wrong - To say my vagina - Is the largest in China -Just because of your mean little dong." -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Whose cervical cap was a gong. - She said with a yell, - As a shot rang her bell, -"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" -% -There was a young girl from Medina -Who could completely control her vagina. - She could twist it around - Like the cunts that are found -In Japan, Manchukuo and China. -% -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. - -Till along came a man who presented -A tool that was strangely indented. - With a dizzying twirl - He punctured that girl, -And thus was the cork-screw invented. -% -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her quim with a cork - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade, it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who had nothing whatever to do. - So she sat on the stairs, - And counted cunt hairs, -Four thousand, three hundred and two. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who noticed her lovers were few; - So she walked out her door - With a fig leaf, no more, -And now she's in bed - with the flu. -% -There was a young girl from Samoa -Who pledged that no man would know her. - One young fellow tried, - But she wriggled aside, -And he spilled all his spermatozoa. -% -There was a young girl from Seattle, -Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. - But a bull from the South - Shot a wad in her mouth -That made both her ovaries rattle. -% -There was a young girl from Siam -Who said to her boyfriend Priam, - "To seduce me, of course, - You'll have to use force, -And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. -% -There was a young girl from St. Cyr -Whose reflex reactions were queer. - Her escort said, "Mable, - Get up off the table; -That money's to pay for the beer." -% -There was a young girl from St. Paul -Who went to a newspaper ball. - Her dress caught on fire - And burnt her entire -Front page and sport section and all. -% -There was a young girl from the Bronix -Who had a vagina of onyx. - She had so much `tsoris' - With her clitoris, -She traded it in for a Packard. -% -There was a young girl from the coast -Who, just when she needed it most, - Lost her Kotex and bled - All over the bed, -And the head and the beard of her host. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who eked out a living through sin. - She didn't mind fucking, - But much preferred sucking, -And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. - Though he diddled his best, - And fucked her with zest, -She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" -% -There was a young girl in Dakota -Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: - "In addition to gas - We are rationing ass, -And you've greatly exceeded your quota." -% -There was a young girl name McKnight -Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. - She came to in bed, - With a split maidenhead-- -That's the last time she ever was tight. -% -There was a young girl named Ann Heuser -Who swore that no man could surprise her. - But Pabst took a chance, - Found a Schlitz in her pants, -And now she is sadder Budweiser. -% -There was a young girl named Heather -Whose twitcher was made out of leather. - She made a queer noise, - Which attracted the boys, -By flapping the edges together. -% -There was a young girl named McCall -Whose cunt was exceedingly small, - But the size of her anus - Was something quite heinous -- -It could hold seven pricks and one ball. -% -There was a young girl named O'Clare -Whose body was covered with hair. - It was really quite fun - To probe with one's gun, -For her quimmy might be anywhere. -% -There was a young girl named O'Malley -Who wanted to dance in the ballet. - She got roars of applause - When she kicked off her drawers, -But her hair and her bush didn't tally. -% -There was a young girl named Saphire -Who succumbed to her lovers desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% -There was a young girl named Sapphire -Who succumbed to her lover's desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who screwed every man that she kissed with. - She tickled the balls - Of the men in the halls, -And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's sun, Jack, - Laid her flat on her back, -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. -% -There was a young girl of Asturias -With a penchant for practices curious. - She loved to bat rocks - With her gentlemen's cocks -- -A practice both rude and injurious. -% -There was a young girl of Batonger -who diddled herself with a conger, - When asked how it feels - To be pleasured by eels -She said, "Just like a man, only longer. -% -There was a young girl of Cah'lina, -Had a very capricious vagina: - To the shock of the fucker - "Twould suddenly pucker, -And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." -% -There was a young girl of Cape Cod -Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. - But it wasn't Jehovah - That turned the girl over, -'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, - the bugger, the bastard, the sod! -% -There was a young girl of Cape Town -Who usually fucked with a clown. - He taught her the trick - Of sucking his prick, -And when it went up -- she went down. -% -There was a young girl of Coxsaxie -Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. - She was fucked at the show - In the twenty-third row, -And once more going home in the taxi. -% -There was a young girl of Darjeeling -Who could dance with such exquisite feeling - There was never a sound - For miles around -Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. -% -There was a young girl of Des Moines -Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, - Till a guy from Hoboken - Went and dropped in a token, -And now she rides free on the ferry. -% -There was a young girl of Detroit -Who at fucking was very adroit: - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point, or finer, -Or open it out like a quoit. - -And she had a friend named Durand -Whose cock could contract or expand. - He could diddle a midge - Or the arch of a bridge -- -Their performance together was grand! -% -There was a young girl of East Lynne -Whose mother, to save her from sin, - Had filled up her crack, - To the brim with shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. -% -There was a young girl of Gibraltar -Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. - It really seems odd - That a virtuous God -Should answer her prayers and assault her. -% -There was a young girl of LLewellyn -Whose breasts were as big as a melon. - They were big it is true, - But her cunt was big too, -Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view -Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. -% -There was a young girl of Mobile, -Who hymen was made of chilled steel, - To give her a thrill, - Took a rotary drill, -Or a number nine emery wheel. -% -There was a young girl of Moline -Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. - She would work on a prick - With every known trick, -And finish by winking it clean. -% -There was a young girl of Newcastle -Whose charms were declared universal. - While one man in front - Wired into her cunt, -Another was engaged at her arsehole. -% -There was a young girl of Pawtucket -Whose box was as big as a bucket. - Her boy-friend said, "Toots, - I'll have to wear boots, -For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." -% -There was a young girl of Penzance -Who boarded a bus in a trance. - The passengers fucked her, - Likewise the conductor, -While the driver shot off in his pants. -% -There was a young girl of Pitlochry -Who was had by a man in a rockery. - She said, "Oh! You've come - All over my bum; -This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." -% -There was a young girl of Rangoon -Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. - "Well, it has been great fun," - She remarked when he'd done, -"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." -% -There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, -Whose people all thought her a virgin, - Till they found her in bed - With her twat very red, -And the head of a kid just emergin'. -% -There was a young girl, very sweet, -Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. - When she sat on their lap - She unbuttoned their flap, -And always had plenty to eat. -% -There was a young girl who begat -Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. - T'was fun in the breeding - But hell in the feeding -When she found there's no tit for Tat. -% -There was a young girl who begat -Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. - It was fun in the breeding, - But hell in the feeding, -When she found there was no tit for Tat. -% -There was a young harlot from Kew -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They'll pay to get out of it too." -% -There was a young harlot named Schwartz -Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, - And they tickled so nice - She drew a high price -From the studs at the summer resorts. - -Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, -Was seldom hard up for a diddle, - For according to rumor - His tool had a tumor -And a fine row of warts down the middle. -% -There was a young hayseed from Tiffan -Whose cock would constantly stiffen. - The knob out in front - Attracted foul cunt -Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. -% -There was a young idler named Blood, -Made a fortune performing at stud, - With a fifteen-inch peter, - A double-beat metre, -And a load like the Biblical Flood. -% -There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway -Whose screams could be heard for a block away. - Perceiving his error, - The Rabbi in terror -Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" -% -There was a young lad - name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan - Stop jerkin' your gherkin -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. -% -There was a young lad from Nahant -Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. - When asked, "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could but I can't." -% -There was a young lad from Siam, -Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. - He loved them real small, - 'Cause they're funner to ball, -So he went out and bought him a lamb! -% -There was a young lad name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan! - Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. -% -There was a young lad name of Ward -Who strung himself up with a cord - Said he, of his work - (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) -"I am leaving because I am bored." - - E.A. Guest -% -There was a young lad named McFee -Who was stung in the balls by a bee - He made oodles of money - By oozing pure honey -Every time he attempted to pee. -% -There was a young lady at sea -Who complained that it hurt her to pee. - Said the brawny old mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the cook and the captain and me." -% -There was a young lady at sea -Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." - "I see," said the mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the captain, the purser, and me." -% -There was a young lady called Ciss -Who went to the river to piss. - A young man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt; -No wonder she thought it was bliss. -% -There was a young lady from Bangor -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor - She woke in dismay - When she heard the mate say: -"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" -% -There was a young lady from Bright, -Whose speed was much faster than light. - She went out one day - In a relative way -And returned on the previous night. -% -There was a young lady from Bristol -Who went to the Palace called Crystal. - Said she, "It's all glass, - And as round as my ass," -And she farted as loud as a pistol. -% -There was a young lady from Brussels -Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. - She could easily plex them - And so interflex them -As to whistle love songs through her bustles. -% -There was a young lady from Drew -Who ended her verse at line two. -% -There was a young lady from Dumfries -Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! - My navel's all bare, - So stick it in there, -Before both my legs and my bum freeze." -% -There was a young lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There was a young lady from Hyde -Who ate a green apple and died. - While her lover lamented - The apple fermented -And made cider inside her inside. -% -There was a young lady from Maine -Who claimed she had men on her brain. - But you knew from the view, - As her abdomen grew, -It was not on her brain that he'd lain. -% -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -% -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. -% -There was a young lady from Norway -Who hung by her heels in a doorway. - She told her young man, - "Get off the divan, -I think I've discovered one more way " -% -There was a young lady from Prentice -Who had an affair with a dentist. - To make things easier - He used anesthesia, -And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. -% -There was a young lady from Rheims -Who amazingly pissed in four streams. - A friend poked around - And a fly-button found -Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. -% -There was a young lady from Rio -Who slept with the Fornier trio. - As she dropped her panties - She said, "No andanties -I want this allegro con brio." -% -There was a young lady from Siam -Who said to her lover, one Kiam, - "You may kiss me of course, - But you'll have to use force. -Though god knows you're stronger than I am." -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who demurely undressed on a train. - A helpful young porter - Helped more than he orter, -And she promptly cried "Help me again" -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who got sick as she rode on a train; - Not once, but again, - And again, and again, -And again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Whose face was exceedingly plain, - But her cunt had a pucker - That made the men fuck her, -Again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Troy -Had a moustache, just like a young boy - Though it tickled to kiss - 'Twas a source of much bliss -When she used it to brush a man's toy. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who had a peculiar feeling. - She laid on her back - And tickled her crack -And pissed all over the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wooster -Who complained that too many men gooster. - So she traded her scanties - For sandpaper panties, -Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. -% -There was a young lady in Reno, -Who lost all her dough playing Keno. - But she lay on her back, - And opened her crack, -So now she owns the Casino! -% -There was a young lady named Alice -Who was known to have peed in a chalice. - 'Twas the common belief - It was done for relief, -And not out of protestant malice. -% -There was a young lady named Astor -Who never let any get past her. - She finally got plenty - By stopping twenty, -Which certainly ought to last her. -% -There was a young lady named Banker, -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, - She woke in dismay, - When she heard the mate say, -"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." -% -There was a young lady named Blount -Who had a rectangular cunt. - She learned for diversion - Posterior perversion, -Since no one could fit here in front. -% -There was a young lady named Bower -Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. - But a poet from Perth - Laid her flat on the earth, -And proceeded with penis to plough her. -% -There was a young lady named Brent -With a cunt of enormous extent, - And so deep and so wide, - The acoustics inside -Were so good you could hear when you spent. -% -There was a young lady named Bright -Who could travel much faster than light. - She took off one day, - In a relative way, -And returned on the previous night. -% -There was a young lady named Brook -Who never could learn how to cook. - But on a divan - She could please any man- -She knew every darn trick in the book! -% -There was a young lady named Cager -Who, as the result of a wager, - Consented to fart - The entire oboe part -Of Mozart's quartet in F major. -% -There was a young lady named Ciss -Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " - But she'll never restate, - For a wheel off her skate -.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM -% -There was a young lady named Clair -Who possessed a magnificent pair; - At least so I thought - Till I saw one get caught -On a thorn, and begin losing air. -% -There was a young lady named Dot -Whose cunt was so terribly hot - That ten bishops of Rome - And the Pope's private gnome -Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. -% -There was a young lady named Duff -With a lovely, luxuriant muff. - In his haste to get in her - One eager beginner -Lost both of his balls in the rough. -% -There was a young lady named Etta -Who was constantly seen in a swetta. - Three reasons she had: - To keep warm wasn't bad, -But the other two reasons were betta. -% -There was a young lady named Fleager -Who was terribly, terribly eager - To be all the rage - On the tragedy stage, -Though her talents were pitifully meagre. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Flo -Whose lover had pulled out too slow. - So they tried it all night, - Till he got it just right... -Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. -% -There was a young lady named Flynn -Who thought fornication a sin, - But when she was tight - It seemed quite all right, -So everyone filled her with gin. -% -There was a young lady named Gilda -Who went on a date with a builder. - He said that he would, - And he could and he should, -And he did and it damn well near killed her. -% -There was a young lady named Gloria -Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -There was a young lady named Gloria, -Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" - She replied to the chap, - "I'll draw you a map, -Of where others have been to before ya." -% -There was a young lady named Grace -Who would not take a prick in her "place." - Though she'd kiss it and suck it, - She never would fuck it-- -She just couldn't relax face-to-face. -% -There was a young lady named Hall, -Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. - The dress caught on fire - And burned her entire -Front page, sporting section, and all. -% -There was a young lady named Hatch -Who would always come through in a scratch. - If a guy wouldn't neck her, - She'd grab up his pecker -And shove the damn thing up her snatch. -% -There was a young lady named Mable -Who liked to sprawl out on the table, - Then cry to her man, - "Stuff in all you can -- -Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." -% -There was a young lady named Mandel -Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal - By coming out bare - On the main village square -And frigging herself with a candle. -% -There was a young lady named Maud, -A terrible society fraud: - In company, I'm told, - She was distant and cold, -But if you got her alone, Oh God! -% -There was a young lady named May -Who strolled in a park by the way, - And she met a youg man - Who fucked her and ran -- -Now she goes to the park every day. -% -There was a young lady named Nance -Who learned about fucking in France, - And when you'd insert it - She'd squeeze till she hurt it, -And shoved it right back in your pants. -% -There was a young lady named Nelly -Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. - They could tickle her twat - Or be tied in a knot, -And could even swat flies on her belly. -% -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was raped three times in a hansom - When she cried out for more - Said a voice from the floor, -"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson -% -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was rogered three times in a hansom. - When she cried out for more - A voice from the floor -Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." -% -There was a young lady named Riddle -Who had an untouchable middle. - She had many friends - Because of her ends, -Since it isn't the middle you diddle. -% -There was a young lady named Rose -Who fainted whenever she chose; - She did so one day - While playing croquet, -But was quickly revived with a hose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Rose -With erogenous zones in her toes. - She remained onanistic - Till a foot-fetishistic -Young man became one of her beaux. -% -There was a young lady named Schneider -Who often kept trysts with a spider. - She found a strange bliss, - In the hiss of her piss, -As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. -% -There was a young lady named Smith -Whose virtue was largely a myth. - She said, "Try as I can - I can't find a man -Who it's fun to be virtuous with." -% -There was a young lady named Twiss -Who said she thought fucking a bliss, - For it tickled her bum - And caused her to come -.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW -% -There was a young lady named Wylde -Who kept herself quite undefiled - By thinking of Jesus; - Contagious diseases; -And the bother of having a child. -% -There was a young lady of Arden, -The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. - Said she with a frown, - "I've been sadly let down -By the tool of a fool in a garden." -% -There was a young lady of Bicester -Who was nicer by far than her sister: - The sister would giggle - And wiggle and jiggle, -But this one would come if you kissed her. -% -There was a young lady of Brabant -Who slept with an impotent savant. - She admitted, "We shouldn't, - But it turned out he couldn't- -So you can't say we have when we haven't." -% -There was a young lady of Bude -Who walked down the street in the nude. - A bobby said, "Whattum - Magnificent bottom!" -And slapped it as hard as he could. -% -There was a young lady of Carmia -Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. - At every cold snap - She would climb in your lab, -So her little base burner could warm ya. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Who went down to the river to pee. - A man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt, -And God! how I wish it were me. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Whose hymen was split into three. - And when she was diddled - The middle string fiddled : -"Nearer My God To Thee." -% -There was a young lady of Dexter -Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, - For whenever they'd start - He'd unfailingly fart -With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. -% -There was a young lady of Dover -Whose passion was such that it drove her - To cry, when you came, - "Oh dear! What a shame! -Well, now we shall have to start over." -% -There was a young lady of Ealing -And her lover before her was kneeling. - Said she, "Dearest Jim, - Take your hands off my quim; -I much prefer fucking to feeling." -% -There was a young lady of fashion -Who had oodles and oodles of passion. - To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, -"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" -% -There was a young lady of Fez -Who was known to the public as "Jez." - Jezebel was her name, - Sucking cocks was the game -She excelled at (so everyone says). -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump - -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump-- -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester, -Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. - She wasn't much hurt, - But he dirtied her skirt, -So think of the anguish it cost her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester -Whose friends they thought they had lost her - Till they found on the grass - The marks of her arse, -And the knees of the man who had crossed her. -% -There was a young lady of Kent, -Who admitted she knew what it meant - When men asked her to dine, - And plied her with wine, -She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! -% -There was a young lady of Lee -Who scrambled up into a tree, - When she got there - Her arsehole was bare, -And so was her C U N T. -% -There was a young lady of Lincoln -Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, - So she had a prick lent her - Which turned it magenta, -This artful old lady of Lincoln. -% -There was a young lady of Natchez -Who chanced to be born with two snatches, - And she often said, "Shit! - Why, I'd give either tit -For a man with equipment that matches." - -There was a young fellow named Locke -Who was born with a two-headed cock. - When he'd fondle the thing - It would rise up and sing -An antiphonal chorus by Bach. - -But whether these two ever met -Has not been recorded as yet, - Still, it would be diverting - To see him inserting -His whang while it sang a duet. -% -There was a young lady of Norway -Who hung by her toes in a doorway. - She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe -I think I've discovered one more way." -% -There was a young lady of Rhyll -In an omnibus was taken ill, - So she called the conductor, - Who got in and fucked her, -Which did more good than a pill. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who took down her pants on a train. - There was a young porter - Saw more than he orter, -And asked her to do it again. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. - They did it again - And again and again, -And again and again and again. -% -There was a young lady of Twickenham -Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. - On her knees every day - To God she would pray -To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. -% -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Said to her beau, "I've a feeling - My little brown jug - Has need of a plug" -- -And straightaway she started to peeling. -% -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Who professed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris, -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady who said, -As her bridegroom got into the bed, - "I'm tired of this stunt, - That they do with one's cunt, -You can get up my bottom instead." -% -There was a young lady whose cunt -Could accomodate a small punt. - Her mother said, "Annie, - It matches your fanny, -Which never was that of a runt." -% -There was a young lady whose thighs, -When spread showed a slit of such size, - And so deep and so wide, - You could play cards inside, -Much to her bridegroom's surprise. -% -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% -There was a young laundress named Wrangle -Whose tits tilted up at an angle. - "They may tickle my chin," - She said with a grin, -"But at least they keep out of the mangle." -% -There was a young maiden from Osset -Whose quim was nine inches across it. - Said a young man named Tong, - With tool nine inches long, -"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." -% -There was a young man from Bear Ridge -Who had strange ideas about marriage. - He fucked his wife's mother - And sucked off her brother -And ate up her sister's miscarriage. -% -There was a young man from Bel-Aire -Who was screwing his girl on the stair. - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man from Bengal -Who claimed he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Pulled down this man's breeches -And proved he had nothing at all. -% -There was a young man from Biloxi -Whose bowels responded to Moxie. - Drinking glass after glass, - He would tune up his ass, -Till he played like the band at the Roxy. -% -There was a young man from Bombay -Who fashioned a cunt out of clay - But the heat of his prick - Turned it into a brick -And rubbed all his foreskin away. -% -There was a young man from Boston -Who rode around in an Austin. - There was room for his ass - And a gallon of gas, -But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. -% -There was a young man from Calcutta -Who was heard in his beard to mutter, - "If her Bartholin glands - Don't respond to my hands, -I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." -% -There was a young man from Dallas -Who had an exceptional phallus. - He couldn't find room - In any girl's womb -Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. -% -There was a young man from Dundee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were quite horrid: - All ass and no forehead, -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There was a young man from East Lizes -Whose balls were of two different sizes - One was so small - It was no ball at all -The other was large and won prizes. -% -There was a young man from East Wubley -Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. - Each quadruplicate shaft - Had two balls hanging aft, -And the general effect was quite lovely. - -There was a young man from Hong Kong -Who had a trifurcated prong: - A small one for sucking, - A large one for fucking, -And a `boney' for beating a gong. -% -There was a young man from Glengozzle -Who found a remarkable fossil. - He knew by the bend - And the wart on the end, -'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. -% -There was a young man from Jodhpur -Who found he could easily cure - His dread diabetes - By eating a foetus -Served up in a sauce of manure. -% -There was a young man from Kent -Whose tool was so long that it bent. - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. -% -There was a young man from Lynn -Whose cock was the size of a pin. - Said his girl with a laugh - As she felt his staff, -"This won't be much of a sin." -% -There was a young man from Maine -Whose prick was as strong as a crane; - It was almost as long, - So he strolled with his dong -Extended in sunshine and rain. -% -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - But he looked in the glass, - And saw his own ass, -And broke his neck trying to fuck it. -% -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin, - While wiping his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." -% -There was a young man from New Haven -Who had an affair with a raven. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"Nevermore!" -% -There was a young man from Peru, -Who took a long trip by canoe. - While staring at Venus, - And rubbing his penis, -He wound up with a handful of goo. -% -There was a young man from Purdue -Who was only just learning to screw, - But he hadn't the knack, - And he got too far back -- -In the right church, but in the wrong pew. -% -There was a young man from Racine -Who invented a fucking machine. - Concave or convex, - It served either sex, -But oh what a bitch to keep clean. -% -There was a young man from Rangoon -Who used to lament 'neath the moon - That he had the luck - To be born of a fuck -That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. -% -There was a young man from Salinas -Who had an extremely long penis: - Believe it or not, - When he lay on his cot -It reached from Marin to Martinez. -% -There was a young man from Seattle -Whose testicles tended to rattle. - He said as he fuck-ed - Some stones in a bucket, -"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." -% -There was a young man from Siam -Who said, "I go in with a wham, - But I soon lose my starch - Like the mad month of March, -And the lion comes out like a lamb." -% -There was a young man from St. Paul's -Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" - Till he grew such a passion - For feminine fashion -That he knitted a snood for his balls. -% -There was a young man from Stamboul -Who boasted so torrid a tool - That each female crater - Explored by this satyr -Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. -% -There was a young man from Tibet- -And this is the strangest one yet- - Whose tool was so long, - So pointed and strong, -He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". -% -There was a young man in Havana, -Banged his girl on a player-piana. - At the height of their fever - Her ass hit the lever -And: yes, he has no banana. -% -There was a young man in Norway, -Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, - But the air was so frigid - It froze his cock rigid, -And all he could come was frappe. -% -There was a young man in the choir -Whose penis rose higher and higher, - Till it reached such a height - It was quite out of sight -- -But of course you know I'm a liar. -% -There was a young man, name of Fred, -Who spent every Thursday in bed; - He lay with his feet - Outside of the sheet, -And the pillows on top of his head. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man, name of Saul, -Who was able to bounce either ball, - He could stretch them and snap them, - And juggle and clap them, -Which earned him the plaudits of all. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch - So she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - Yeah, she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Hughes -Who swore off all kinds of booze. - He said, "When I'm muddled - My senses get fuddled, -And I pass up too many screws." -% -There was a young man named Knute -Who had warts all over his root. - He put acid on these - And now when he pees, -He fingers the thing like a flute. -% -There was a young man named Laplace -Whose balls were made out of spun glass. - When they banged together - They played "Stormy Weather" -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There was a young man named McNamiter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - But it wasn't the size - Gave the girls a surprise, -But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There was a young man named Rex -Who really was small for his sex. - When tried for exposure - The judge's disclosure -Was "de minimus non curat lex." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabel -Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. - When they asked if his pleasure - Was only half measure, -He replied, "That is highly improbable." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabub -Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club - But the pride of his life - Were the tits of his wife -- -One real, and one India-rubber bub. -% -There was a young man of Arras -Who stretched himself out on the grass, - And with no little trouble, - He bent himself double, -And stuck his prick well up his ass. -% -There was a young man of Australia -Who went on a wild bacchanalia. - He buggered a frog, - Two mice and a dog, -And a bishop in fullest regalia. -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. - I will suck, without charge, - Any cock, if it's large. -If it's small, I expect to be paid." -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who slept with a girl in the trade. - She said to him, "Jack, - Try the hole in the back; -The front one is badly decayed." -% -There was a young man of Bengal -Who swore he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Unbuttoned his britches, -And found he had no balls at all. -% -There was a young man of Bombay -Who buggered his dad once a day. - He said, "I like, rather, - Fucking my father -- -He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." -% -There was a young man of Calcutta, -Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. - When he got to c-u, - A pious Hindoo -Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. -% -There was a young man of Cape Horn -Who wished he had never been born, - And he wouldn't have been - If his father had seen -That the end of the rubber was torn. -% -There was a young man of Coblenz -Whose ballocks were simply immense: - It took forty-four draymen, - A priest and three laymen -To carry them thither and thence. -% -There was a young man of Darjeeling -Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. - In the electric light socket, - He'd put it and rock it-- -Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! -% -There was a young man of Devizes -Whose balls were of different sizes. - His tool when at ease, - Hung down to his knees, -Oh, what must it be when it rises! -% -There was a young man of Devizes, -Whose balls were of different sizes. - One was so small, - It was nothing at all; -The other took numerous prizes. -% -There was a young man of Dumfries -Who said to his girl, "If you please, - It would give me great bliss - If, while playing with this, -You would pay some attention to these!" -% -There was a young man of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - So long was his tool - That it wound round a spool, -And he let it out inach by inach. -% -There was a young man of high station -Who was found by a pious relation - Making love in a ditch - To -- I won't say a bitch -- -But a woman of no reputation. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum, -The strength of whose balls was his doom. - So strong was his shootin', - The third law of Newton -Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum -Who lured a poor girl to her doom. - He not only fucked her, - But buggered and sucked her-- -And left her to pay for the room. -% -There was a young man of Kildare -Who was fucking a girl on the stair. - The bannister broke, - But he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man of Kutki -Who could blink himself off with one eye. - For a while though, he pined, - When his organ declined -To function, because of a stye. -% -There was a young man of Lahore -Whose prick was one inch and no more. - It was all right for key-holes - And little girl's pee-holes, -But not worth a damn with a whore. -% -There was a young man of Lake Placid -Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. - When he wanted to sport - He would have to resort -To injections of sulphuric acid. -% -There was a young man of Madras -Whose balls were constructed of brass. - When jangled together - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There was a young man of Missouri -Who fucked with a terrible fury. - Till hauled into court - For his beastial sport, -And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. -% -There was a young man of Natal -And Sue was the name of his gal. - One day, north of Aden, - He got his hard rod in, -And came clear up Suez Canal. -% -There was a young man of Natal -Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. - Said she, "You're a sluggard!" - Said he, "You be buggered! -I like to fuck slow and I shall." -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Who let a girl play with his end. - She took hold of Rover, - And felt it all over, -And it did what she didn't intend. -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. - "It's no use, my duck, - Interrupting our fuck, -For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." -% -There was a young man of Saskatchewan, -Whose penis was truly gargantuan. - It was good for large whores, - And for small dinosaurs, -And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. -% -There was a young man of Seattle -Who bested a bull in a battle. - With fire and gumption - He assumed the bull's function, -And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. -% -There was a young man of St. John's -Who wanted to bugger the swans. - But the loyal hall porter - Said, "Pray take my daughter! -Those birds are reserved for the dons." -% -There was a young man of Tibet --- And this is the strangest one yet -- - His prick was so long, - And so pointed and strong, -He could bugger six sheep en brochette. -% -There was a young man of Toulouse -Who had a deficient prepuce, - But the foreskin he lacked - He made up in his sac; -The result was, his balls were too loose. -% -There was a young man who appeared -To his friends with a full growth of beard; - They at once said, "Although - We can't say why it's so, -The effect is uncommonly weird." - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man who said "God, -I find it exceedingly odd, - That the willow oak tree - Continues to be, -When there's no one about in the Quad." - -"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, -For I'm always about in the Quad; - And that's why the tree, - Continues to be," -Signed "Yours faithfully, God." -% -There was a young man with a fiddle -Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" - She replied, "Yes, I do, - But prefer to with two -- -It's twice as much fun in the middle." -% -There was a young man with a prick -Which into his wife he would stick - Every morning and night - If it stood up all right -- -Not a very remarkable trick. - -His wife had a nice little cunt: -It was hairy, and soft, and in front, - And with this she would fuck him, - Though sometimes she'd suck him -- -A charming, if commonplace, stunt. -% -There was a young man with one foot -Who had a very long root. - If he used this peg - As an extra leg -Is a question exceedingly moot. -% -There was a young miss from Johore -Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; - In a manner uncanny - She'd wobble her fanny, -And drain your nuts dry to the core. -% -There was a young monk from Siberia -Whose life got drearia' and drearia' - Till he did to a nun - What shouldn't be done -And made her a mother superia'. -% -There was a young monk from Tibet -And this is the damnedest one yet - His cock was so long - And incredibly strong -That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. -% -There was a young monk in Siberia, -Whose morals were very inferior, - He jumped on a nun - Which he shouldn't have done, -And now she's a Mother Superior. -% -There was a young monk of Dundee -Who complained that it hurt him to pee, - He said, "Pax vobiscum, - Now why won't the piss come? -I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." -% -There was a young parson of Harwich, -Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. - She said, "No, you young goose, - Just try self-abuse. -And the other we'll try after marriage." -% -There was a young peasant named Gorse -Who fell madly in love with his horse. - Said his wife, "You rapscallion, - That horse is a stallion -- -This constitutes grounds for divorce." -% -There was a young person of Kent -Who was famous wherever he went. - All the way through a fuck, - He would quack like a duck, -And he crowed like a cock when he spent. -% -There was a young physicist named Fisk -Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. - So quick was his action, - The Lorentz Contraction -Shortened his rod to a disc !! -% -There was a young plumber named Lee -Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. - She said, "Stop your plumbing, - There's somebody coming" -Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." -% -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know, -It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that - Last line that I can." -% -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know. -It's because I try to put every single -syllable into the last line that I possibly, -possibly can." -% -There was a young royal marine, -Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". - When he reached the soprano - Out came only guano -And his britches weren't fit to be seen. -% -There was a young sailor from Brighton, -Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole; -There's plenty of room in the right one." -% -There was a young sailor from Brighton -Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole -There's plenty of room in the right'un." -% -There was a young sapphic named Anna -Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, - Which she sucked, bit by bit, - From her partner's warm slit, -In the most approved lesbian manner. -% -There was a young Scot in Madrid -Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. - When they said, "Are you faint?" - He replied, "No, I ain't, -But I don't feel as good as I did." -% -There was a young soldier from Munich -Whose penis hung down past his tunic, - And their chops girls would lick - When they thought of his prick, -But alas! he was only a eunuch. -% -There was a young sportsman named Peel -Who went for a trip on his wheel; - He pedalled for days - Through crepuscular haze, -And returned feeling somewhat unreal. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young squaw of Wohunt -Who possessed a collapsible cunt. - It had many odd uses, - Produced no papooses, -And fitted both giant and runt. -% -There was a young student from Yale -Who was getting his first piece of tail. - He shoved in his pole, - But in the wrong hole, -And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" -% -There was a young trollop at Yale, -Who had verses tattooed on her tail, - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -A duplicate version in Braille. -% -There was a young whore from Kaloo -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They can pay to get out again too!" -% -There was a young woman called Pearl -Who quite resembled a churl; - When she asked a young man named Tex - Whether he would like to have sex, -"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" -% -There was a young woman from Bude, -Who went for a swim in the nude, - But a man in a punt, - Grabbed at her elbow, -And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." -% -There was a young woman in Dee -Who stayed with each man she did see. - When it came to a test - She wished to be best, -And practice makes perfect, you see. -% -There was a young woman named Alice -Who peed in a Catholic chalice. - She said, "I do this - From a great need to piss, -And not from sectarian malice." -% -There was a young woman named Ells -Who was subject to curious spells - When got up very oddly, - She'd cry out things ungodly -by the palms in expensive hotels. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Florence -Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, - But they found her in bed - With her cunt flaming red, -And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. -% -There was a young woman named Plunnery -Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. - Till one day unobservant, - She blew up a servant, -And was forced to retire to a nunnery. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Sutton -Who said, as she carved up the mutton, - "My father preferred - The last sheep in the herd -- -This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." -% -There was a young woman of Cheadle, -Who once gave the clap to a beadle. - Said she, "Does it itch?" - "It does, you damned bitch, -And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." -% -There was a young woman of Condover -Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. - Her pussy was juicy, - Her arse soft and goosey, -But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. -% -There was a young woman of Croft -Who played with herself in a loft, - Having reasoned that candles - Could never cause scandals, -Besides which they did not go soft. - -Said another young woman of Croft, -Amusing herself in the loft, - "A salami or wurst - Is what I'd choose first -- -With bologna you know you've been boffed." -% -There was a young woman, quite handsome, -Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. - When she offered much gold - For release, she was told -That the view was worth more than the ransom. -% -There was a young woman whose stammer -Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; - But they were not improved - When her husband was moved -To knock out her teeth with a hammer. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was an old abbess quite shocked -To find nuns where the candles were locked. - Said the abbess, "You nuns - Should behave more like guns, -And never go off till you're cocked." -% -There was an old bishop from Buckingham -Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. - His wife with distain - Could scarcely restrain -That sprightly old bishop from * * *. -% -There was an old count of Swoboda -Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. - So, with great savoir-faire, - She stood on a chair -And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. -% -There was an old curate of Hestion -Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. - But so small was his tool - He could scarce screw a spool, -And a cunt was quite out of the question. -% -There was an old fellow named Art -Who awoke with a horrible start, - For down by his rump - Was a generous lump -Of what should have been just a fart. -% -There was an old fellow named Skinner -Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. - But still, by and large, - It would always discharge -Once he could just get it in her. -% -There was an old feminine blighter -Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. - She would cream her own pool - While she sucked off his tool -- -How his cock in her cunt would excite her! -% -There was an old gent from Kentuck -Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, - But he put it away - For fear that one day -He might put it in and get stuck. -% -There was an old girl of Kilkenny -Whose usual charge was a penny. - For half of that sum - You could finger her bum-- -A source of amusement to many. -% -There was an old harlot from Dijon -Who in her old age got religion. - "When I'm dead & gone," - Said she, "I'll take on -The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." -% -There was an old hermit named Dave -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - He said "I'll admit - I'm a bit of a shit, -But look at the money I save." -% -There was an old lady of Bingly -Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. - I thought I had got - A bloke for my twat, -But he seems rather queenly than kingly." -% -There was an old lady of Glascow, -Whose party proved quite a fiasco. - At nine-thirty, about, - The lights all went out, -Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. -% -There was an old lady of Kewry -Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': - The `introitus vaginae', - Was unnaturally tiny, -And the thought of it filled her with fury. -% -There was an old lady who lay -With her legs wide apart in the hay, - Then, calling the ploughman, - She said, "Do it now, man! -Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." -% -There was an old maid from Cape Cod -Who thought all good things came from god. - But it wasn't the almighty - Who lifted her nighty, -It was Roger, the lodger, by god. -% -There was an old man from Bengal -Who liked to do tricks in the hall. - His favorite trick - Was to stand on his dick -While he rolled around on one ball. -% -There was an old man from Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - Or his fingers and toes -And he came thru a hole in his tooth. -% -There was an old man from Fort Drum -Whose son was incredibly dumb. - When he urged him ahead, - He went down instead, -For he thought to succeed meant succumb. -% -There was an old man of Alsace -Who played the trombone with his ass. - He put in a trap - To take out the crap, -But the vapors corroded the brass. -% -There was an old man of Brienz -The length of whose cock was immense: - With one swerve he could plug - A boy's bottom in Zug, -And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. -% -There was an old man of Cajon -Who never could get a good bone. - With the aid of a gland - It grew simply grand; -Now his wife cannot leave it alone. -% -There was an old man of Calcutta -Who spied through a chink in the shutter. - But all he could see - Was his wife's bare knee, -And the back of the bloke who was up her. -% -There was an old man of Connaught -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." -% -There was an old man of Duddee -Who came home as drunk as could be. - He wound up the clock - With the end of his cock, -And buggered his wife with the key. -% -There was an old man of Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - And with fingers and toes, -And he came through a hole in his tooth. -% -There was an old man of Hong Kong -Who never did anything wrong. - He would lie on his back - With his head in a sack -And secretly finger his dong. -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He relied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." - -- W.S. Gilbert -% -There was an old man of Tagore -Whose tool was a yard long or more, - So he wore the damn thing - In a surgical sling -To keep it from wiping the floor. -% -There was an Old Man of the Mountain -Who frigged himself into a fountain - Fifteen times had he spent, - Still he wasn't content, -He simply got tired of the counting. -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man who said, "Tush! -My balls always hang in the brush, - And I fumble about, - Half in and half out, -With a pecker as limber as mush." -% -There was an old man with a beard -Who said, "It is just what I feared! - Two owls and a hen, - Four larks and a wren -Have all built their nests in my beard!" -% -There was an old person of Ware -Who had an affair with a bear. - He explained, "I don't mind, - For it's gentle and kind, -But I wish it had slightly less hair." -% -There was an old pirate named Bates -Who was learning to rhumba on skates - He fell on his cutlass - Which rendered him nutless -And practically useless on dates. -% -There was an old satyr named Mack -Whose prick had a left handed tack. - If the ladies he loves - Don't spin when he shoves, -Their cervixes frequently crack. -% -There was an old Scot named McTavish -Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. - The object of rape - Was the wrong sex of ape, -And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. -% -There was an old whore from Silesia -Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, - For a slight extra sum - You can go up my bum -But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." -% -There was an old whore in the Azores -Whose body was covered with festers & sores. - Why the dogs in the street - Wouldn't eat the green meat -That hung in festoons from her drawers. -% -There was an old woman of Ghent -Who swore that her cunt had no scent. - She got fucked so often - At last she got rotten, -And didn't she stink when she spent. -% -There was once a mechanic named Bench -Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. - With this vibrant device - He could reach, in a trice, -The innermost parts of a wench. -% -There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife-- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is, they all do it well. -% -There were three ladies of Huxham, -And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, - And when that game grows stale - We sits on a rail, -And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. -% -There were three young ladies of Birmingham, -And this is the scandal concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And tickled the cock -Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. - -Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, -He'd been to a good public school, - So he took down their britches - And buggered those bitches -With his ten-inch episcopal tool. - -Then up spoke a lady from Kew, -And said, as the Bishop withdrew, - "The vicar is quicker - And thicker and slicker, -And longer and stronger than you." - -- Abuses of the Clergy -% -There's a charming young girl in Tobruk -Who refers to her quiff as a nook. - It's deep and it's wide, - -- You can curl up inside -With a nice easy chair and a book. -% -There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu -Who's often been screwed by yours truly, - But now--it's appallin'-- - My balls always fall in! -I fear that I've fucked her unduly. -% -There's a dowager near Sweden Landing -Whose manners are odd and demanding. - It's one of her jests - To suck off her guests -- -She hates to keep gentlemen standing. -% -There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock -Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, - But her cunt's got a pucker - That's best not to fuck, or -When least you expect it to, it'll lock. -% -There's a rather odd couple in Herts -Who are cousins (or so each asserts); - Their sex is in doubt - For they're never without -Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, -Who's been coxing the varsity crew. - In the shell Sue is great, - But her boyfriend's irate, -When she calls out the stroke as they screw. -% -There's a tavern in London that's staffed, -By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: - In her striving to please, - She serves ale on her knees, -So the patrons get head with their draft. -% -There's a very hot babe at the Aggies -Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. - The seniors go round - Hanging down to the ground, -And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. -% -There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, -Since his shocking perversions are various... - He will bugger some lad - With a dildo (the cad!) -While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" -% -There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, -Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. - When one pireg is shot, - There's that alternate twat, -But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. -% -There's an oversexed lady named Whyte -Who insists on a dozen a night. - A fellow named Cheddar - Had the brashness to wed her- -His chance of survival is slight. -% -There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, -Exceedingly hard to get onto, - But when you get there, - And have parted the hair, -You can fuck her as much as you want to. -% -They had come in the fugue to the stretto -When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto - Slipped forward and grabbed - Her tresses and stabbed -Her to death with a rusty stiletto. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, -Was to do what man normally does, - She declared, "I'm a Soul- - Not a sexual goal!" -So he shrugged and called someone who was. -% -Though most of the crewmen are whites, -Uhura has full equal rights. - Her crewmates, you see, - Love De-mo-cra-cy, -And the way that she fills out her tights. -% -Though the invalid Saint of Brac -Lay all of his life on his back, - His wife got her share, - And the pilgrims now stare -At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. -% -'Tis a custom in Castellamare -To fuck in the back of a lorry. - The chassis and springs - Are like woodwinds and strings -In the midst of a musical soiree. -% -To a weepy young woman in Thrums -Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes - Of allowing your tears - To fall into my ears - -I think they have rotted the drums." - -- Edward Gorey -% -To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. -Their fertility was somewhat unstable. - He constructed a bed - Out of tree trunks and said, -"Even adders can multiply on a log table." -% -To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! -Your cunt is as big as a dish!" - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool -It's like driving a nail with a fish!" -% -To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : -"I trust you will show some forbearance. - My sexual habits - I picked up from rabbits, -And occasionally watching my parents." -% -To his bride said economist Fife : -"The semen you'll launch as my wife, - We will salvage and freeze - To resemble goat's cheese, -And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." -% -To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Has the east tit the least bit - The best of the west tit, -Or is it the faulty perspective?" -% -To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Is your east tit the least bit - The best of your west tit, -Or is it a trick of perspective?" -% -To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, -As he poured his post-prandial tipple, - "Your mother's behaviour - Gave pain to Our Saviour, -And that's why He made you a cripple." - -- Edward Gorey -% -Two anglers were fishing off Wight -And his bobber was dipping all night. - Murmured she, with a laugh, - "It's ready to gaff, -But don't break your rod which is light." - -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. - -As two consular clerks in Madras -Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, - "What a marvelous pole," - Said she, "but control -Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." -% -Two eager young men from Cawnpore -Once buggared and fucked the same whore. - But her partition split - And the blood and the shit -Rolled out in a mess on the floor. -% -Two roosters in one of our pens -Found their pricks were no larger than wens. - As they looked at their foreskins - And wished they had more skins, -They discovered they'd both become hens. -% -Under the spreading chestnut tree -The village smith he sat, - Amusing himself - By abusing himself -And catching the load in his hat. -% -Une joile epousetta a Tours -Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. - Mais le mari disait, "Non! - De trop n'est pas bon! -Mon derriere exige du secours!" -% -Visas erat: huic geminarum -Dispar modus testicularum: - Minor haec nihili, - Palma triplici, -Jam fecerat altera clarum. -% -We dedicate this to the cunt, -The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : - All hail to the twat, - Willing, thrilling, and hot, -That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! -% -When I was a baby, my penis -Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'this as red - As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminie genus! -% -When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, -Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, - "Was he modest or vain?" - "Was he regal or plain?" -She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" -% -When you fuck little Annie in Anza -You get a great bossom bonanza: - Sucking Annie's soft tits - Makes her throw fifty fits, -And the fuck is a sextravaganza! -% -While his duchess lay practically dead, -The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: - "Can it be this is all? - How puny! How small! -Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." -% -While out on a date in his Fiat, -The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" - As he bent down to seek, - She let out a shriek: -"That's not where it's likely to be at." -% -While spending the winter at Pau -Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." - So the head-porter made her - And the second-cook laid her; -The waiters were all hanging low. -% -While Titian was mixing rose madder, -His model reclined on a ladder. - Her position to Titian - Suggested coition, -So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. -% -While travelling in farthest Tibet, -Lord Irongate found cause to regret - The buttered-up tea, - A pain in his knee, -And the frivolous tourists he met. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Winter is here with his grouch, -The time when you sneeze and you slouch. - You can't take your women - Canoein' or swimmin', -But a lot can be done on a couch. -% -With his penis in turgid erection, -And aimed at woman's mid-section, - Man looks most uncouth - In that Moment of Truth, -But she sheathes it with loving affection. -% -You Women's Lib gals won't agree, -But dependent on men you must be: - You'll need a him - With a rod firm and trim, -To puggle your water-drains free! -% -Young Frederick the great was a beaut. -To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. - If you'll come to my palace, - I'll finger your phallus, -And then I shall blow on your flute." -% -You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, -Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : - He buggers the choir - As they sing "Ave Maria," -And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. -% -- cgit v1.2.3-56-ge451