fortune/datfiles/limerick

   1 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
   2 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
   3         She found a good way
   4         To combine work and play:
   5 She sells C shells by the seashore.
   6 %
   7 A computer, to print out a fact,
   8 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
   9         But this output can be
  10         No more than debris,
  11 If the input was short of exact.
  12                 -- Gigo
  13 %
  14 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
  15 And had an affair with a Saracen.
  16         She was not oversexed,
  17         Or jealous or vexed,
  18 She just wanted to make a comparison.
  19 %
  20 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
  21 Plus three times the square root of four,
  22         Divided by seven,
  23         Plus five times eleven,
  24 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
  25 %
  26 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
  27 Wished to foster an aura of menace;
  28         To make people afraid
  29         He wore gloves of grey suede
  30 And white footgear intended for tennis.
  31                 -- Edward Gorey
  32 %
  33 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
  34 Was caught and convicted of rape.
  35         To jail he did go,
  36         From which, to his woe
  37 He couldn't get out with ESC.
  38 %
  39 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
  40 Into space that is quite economical.
  41         But the good ones I've seen
  42         So seldom are clean,
  43 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
  44 %
  45 A linguist thought it a farce
  46 That memory space was so sparse.
  47         One day they increased it.
  48         Said he as he seized it:
  49 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
  50 %
  51 A new dramatist of the absurd
  52 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
  53         I learn from my spies
  54         He's about to devise
  55 An unprintable three-letter word.
  56 %
  57 A progressive professor named Winners
  58 Held classes each evening for sinners.
  59         They were graded and spaced
  60         So the vile and debased
  61 Would not be held back by beginners.
  62 %
  63 A very intelligent turtle
  64 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
  65         The system, you see,
  66         Ran as slow as did he,
  67 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
  68 %
  69 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
  70 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
  71         He can take in his beak
  72         Enough food for a week.
  73 And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
  74 %
  75 Despising machines to a man,
  76 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
  77         And ride out by night
  78         In a sheeting of white
  79 To lynch all the robots they can.
  80                 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
  81 %
  82 Flappity, floppity, flip
  83 The mouse on the m"\bobius strip;
  84         The strip revolved,
  85         The mouse dissolved
  86 In a chronodimensional skip.
  87 %
  88 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
  89 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
  90         Or some joker who is slicker,
  91         Will trick you of your liquor,
  92 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
  93 %
  94 Limericks are art forms complex,
  95 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
  96         They usually have virgins,
  97         And masculine urgin's,
  98 And other erotic effects.
  99 %
 100 System/3!  System/3!
 101 See how it runs!  See how it runs!
 102         Its monitor loses so totally!
 103         It runs all its programs in RPG!
 104         It's made by our favorite monopoly!
 105 System/3!
 106 %
 107 There once was a girl named Irene
 108 Who lived on distilled kerosene
 109         But she started absorbin'
 110         A new hydrocarbon
 111 And since then has never benzene.
 112 %
 113 There once was a member of Mensa
 114 Who was a most excellent fencer.
 115         The sword that he used
 116         Was his -- (line is refused,
 117 And has now been removed by the censor).
 118 %
 119 There once was an old man from Esser,
 120 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
 121         It at last grew so small,
 122         He knew nothing at all,
 123 And now he's a College Professor.
 124 %
 125 There was a young lady from Hyde
 126 Who ate a green apple and died.
 127         While her lover lamented
 128         The apple fermented
 129 And made cider inside her inside.
 130 %
 131 There was a young lady from Niger
 132 Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
 133         They returned from the ride
 134         With the lady inside,
 135 And the smile on the face of the tiger.
 136 %
 137 There was a young man who said "God,
 138 I find it exceedingly odd,
 139         That the willow oak tree
 140         Continues to be,
 141 When there's no one about in the Quad."
 142
 143 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
 144 For I'm always about in the Quad;
 145         And that's why the tree,
 146         Continues to be,"
 147 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
 148 %
 149 There was a young poet named Dan,
 150 Whose poetry never would scan.
 151         When told this was so,
 152         He said, "Yes, I know.
 153 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
 154 %
 155 A computer called Illiac4
 156 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
 157         It chewed up its cards
 158         And spewed yards and yards
 159 Of illegible tape on the floor.
 160 %