-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
- Told her Tante Louise
- That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
- But another, more sane,
- Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
- But another, more sane,
- Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
- Because during the day
- She says: "Boys, keep away!"
-But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
-%
-A beautiful lady named Psyche
-Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
- One thing about Ike
- The lady can't like
-Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
-%
-A beetling young woman named Pridgets
-Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
- Off the end of a wharf
- She once pushed a dwarf
-Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
-Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
- When she swiveled about
- Even strong men cried out,
-For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
-%
-A bobby of Nottingham Junction
-Whose organ had long ceased to function
- Deceived his good wife
- For the rest of her life
-With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
- "The height of my folly
- Was diddling a collie-
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
- "The height of my folly
- Was fucking a collie --
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A burleyque dancer, a pip
-Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
- But she read science fiction
- And died of constriction
-Attempting a Moebius strip.
- -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
-%
-A busy young lady named Gloria
-Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
- And then by six men,
- Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-A cabin boy on an old clipper
-Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
- He plugged up his ass
- With fragments of glass
-And thus circumcised his old skipper.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- When his date was strapped in,
- He committed a sin,
-Without even leaving his grodge.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- With his date all strapped in
- He committed a sin
-Without even leaving the garage.
- -- "A Boy and His Dog"
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Tunney
-Had a whang that was worth any money.
- When eased in half-way,
- The girl's sigh made him say,
-"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
-%
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
- He said, "You may scoff,
- But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
- Shows his organs at large
- For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
- Though you may think it odd of me,
- I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
- But the sweetness of pitch
- Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
- Decided one day
- That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
- It had room for both hands
- And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
- He wore a hair shirt,
- Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
- On the twenty-third stroke
- The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
- On the twenty-third stroke
- The goddam thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
- "On my minuscule salary
- I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
- It chewed up its cards
- And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
+A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
+Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
+ She found a good way
+ To combine work and play:
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
- A foot cost a quid --
- He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
- At a masquerade ball,
- Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
- He said, "No, I can't fuck
- A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
She was not oversexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
- It was no good for girls
- But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
- It was good for keyholes
- And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
- But is proudest of doing,
- Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
- She said, "It tastes nice,
- Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
- "I never could quite
- Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
- And, in his depravity,
- Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
- Let his third-story front,
- To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
- And prayed to her God
- For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
- As quick as a glance
- He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
- She blew her vagina
- To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
- They found her vagina,
- In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
- Wore the foreskin away
- On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+A dozen, a gross, and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+ Divided by seven,
+ Plus five times eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace;
And white footgear intended for tennis.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
- To make people afraid
- He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
- -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
-%
-A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
-Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
- Had achieved some reknown
- For her tone going down--
-There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
-%
-A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
-Thought it very, very foolish to place
- Her hand on your cock
- When it turned hard as rock,
-For fear it would explode in your face.
-%
-A farmer I know named O'Doole
-Had a long and incredible tool.
- He can use it to plow,
- Or to diddle a cow,
-Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
-%
-A fellatrix's healthful condition
-Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
- Her remarkable diet
- (I suggest that you try it)
-Was only her clients' emission.
-%
-A fellow whose surname was Hunt
-Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
- This versatile spout
- Could be turned inside out,
-Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
-%
-A fisherman off of Cape Cod
-Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
- But the high-minded fish
- Resented his wish,
-And nimbly swam off with his rod.
-%
-A foolish geologist from Kissen
-Just didn't know what he was missin',
- By studying rock
- And neglecting his cock,
-And using it merely for pissin'.
-%
-A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
-Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
- When he popped her cherry,
- She made things hairy
-By bleeding all over his face.
-%
-A frustrated lady named Alice
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
- They found her vagina
- In North Carolina
-And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
-%
-A gay young prince from Morocco
-Made love in a manner rococco.
- He painted his penis
- To resemble a venus
-And flavored his semen with cocoa.
-%
-A geneticist living in Delft
-Scientifically played with himself,
- And when he was done
- He labled it: son,
-And filed him away on a shelf.
-%
-A geneticist living in Delft
-Scientifically played with himself,
- And when he was done
- He labled it: son,
-And filed him away on a shelf.
-A gentleman, otherwise meek,
-Detested with passion the leek;
- When offered one out
- He dealt such a clout
-To the maid, she was down for a week.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A gentleman, otherwise meek,
-Detested with passion the leek;
- When offered one out
- He dealt such a clout
-To the maid, she was down for a week.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A german composer named Bruckner
-Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
- "Less lento, my dear,
- With your cute little rear;
-I like a hot presto when muckener!"
-%
-A gift was delivered to Laura
-From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
- Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
- It was peeled, like a grape,
-And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A gifted young fellow from Sparta
-Was widely renowned as a farta'.
- He could fart anything
- From "Of Thee I Sing,"
-To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
-%
-A girl camper once had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
- When she gave him his hat
- She realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
-A girl of the Enterprise crew
-Refused every offer to screw.
- But a Vulcan named Spock
- Crawled under her smock,
-And now she is eating for two.
-%
-A girl of uncertain nativity
-Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
- While she sat on the lap
- Of a German or Jap,
-She could sense Fifth Column activity.
-%
-A graduate student named Zac
-Was said to be great in the sack.
- An inch of his boner
- Put girls in a coma
-And two gave them epileptic attacks.
-%
-A graduate student named Zac
-Was said to be great in the sack.
- An inch of his boner
- Put girls in a coma
-And two gave them epileptic attacks.
-%
-A greedy young lady from Sidney
-Liked it in up to her kidney,
- Till a man from Quebec
- Shoved it up to her neck--
-He really diddled her, didn' he?
-%
-A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
-Once swallowed a package of seeds.
- In a month, his ass
- Was covered with grass
-And his balls were grown over with weeds.
-%
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
- "If you're caught unawares
- At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
- Midst screeches and howls
- He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
- He brings home young camels
- And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
- With maniacal howls,
- He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
Was caught and convicted of rape.
To jail he did go,
From which, to his woe
He couldn't get out with ESC.
%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
- The thing circumsized him,
- Which rather suprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%
-A handsome young rodent named Gratian
-As a lifeguard became a sensation.
- All the lady mice waved
- And screamed to be saved
-By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
-%
-A happy old hooker named Grace
-Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
- It was hard for beginners
- To tell who were winners :
-There were cunt hairs all over the place.
-%
-A hardware debugger named Court
-Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
- But its buffer array
- Only handled 1K,
-So the port's driver cut it off short.
-%
-A haughty young wench of Del Norte
-Would fuck only men over forty.
- Said she, "It's too quick
- With a young fellow's prick;
-I like it to last, and be warty."
-%
-A headstrong young woman in Ealing
-Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
- When quizzed why she did,
- She replied, "To be rid
-Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A hearty young fellow named Yost
-Once had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of the spasm
- The poor ectoplasm
-Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
-%
-A hearty young fellow named Yost
-Once had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of the spasm
- The poor ectoplasm
-Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
-%
-A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
-Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
- "Keep your prick in your pants
- Till the end of this dance--"
-Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
-%
-A highly aesthetic young Jew
-Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
- The end of his dillie
- Was shaped like a lilly,
-And his balls were too utterly two!
-%
-A highway patrol buff named Claire,
-Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
- And her parts grew so hot,
- There was steam on her twat,
-So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
-%
-A horny young fellow named Reg,
-Was jerking off under a hedge.
- The gardener drew near
- With a huge pruning shear,
-And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
-%
-A huge-organed female in Dallas,
-Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
- Was virgo intacto,
- Because, ipso facto,
-No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
-%
-A joker who haunts Monticello
-Is really a terrible fellow.
- In the midst of caresses
- He fills ladies dresses
-With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
-%
-A lacklustre lady of Brougham
-Weaveth all night at her loom.
- Anon she doth blench
- When her lord and his wench
-Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
-%
-A lad, at his first copulation,
-Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
- Gyration, elation
- Throughout the duration,
-I guess I'll give up masturbation."
-%
-A lad from far-off Transvaal
-Was lustful, but tactful withal.
- He'd say, just for luck,
- "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
-But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
-%
-A lad of the brainier kind
-Had erogenous zones in his mind.
- He got his sensations,
- By solving equations,
-(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
-%
-A lady born under a curse
-Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
- From the back she would wail
- Through a thickness of veil:
-"Things do not get better, but worse."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady both callous and brash
-Met a man with a vast black moustache;
- She cried, "Shave it, O do!
- And I'll put it with glue
-On my hat as a sort of panache."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady from Kalamazoo
-Once found she had nothing to do,
- So she sat on the stairs
- And she counted her hairs:
-4,302.
-%
-A lady from Old Little Rock
-In fidelity took little stock,
- And deserted her man
- In the streets of Japan
-For a boy with a prehensile cock.
-%
-A lady removing her scanties,
-Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
- Said her beau, "Have no fear,
- For the reason is clear:
-You simply have amps in your panties.
-%
-A lady stockholder quite hetera
-Decided her fortune to bettera:
- On the floor, quite unclad,
- She successively had
-Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
-%
-A lady was seized with intent
-To revise her existence misspent.
- So she climbed up the dome
- Of St. Peter's in Rome,
-Where she stayed through the following Lent.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady while dining at Crewe
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
- And don't wave it about,
-Or the others will all want one too."
-%
-A lady, while dining in Crewe,
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout
- Or wave it about
-Or the others will ask for one, too."
-%
-A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
-Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
- "I don't mind my shins
- Being stuck full of pins,
-But I fear I am coming unsexed."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady with features cherubic
-Was famed for her area pubic.
- When they asked her its size
- She replied in surprise,
-"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
-%
-A lass at the foot of her class
-Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
- She replied, "With no fuss
- You can get a B-plus,
-By letting the prof pat your ass."
-%
-A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
-After fucking his favorite female,
- Mixed Drambuie and scotch
- With the cream in her crotch
-For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
-%
-A licentious old justice of Salem
-Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
- But instead of a fine
- He would stand them in line,
-With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
-%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
%
-A lonely young lad of Eton
-Used always to sleep with the heat on,
- Till he ran into a lass
- Who showed him her ass --
-Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
-%
-A lovely young diver named Nancy,
-Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
- The fish of Bonaire,
- Watched her Derriere,
-And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
-%
-A lovely young maid from St. Jude
-Once rode through the streets in the nude.
- The police cried, "Whatam--
- Agnificent bottom"
-And slapped it as hard as they could.
-%
-A lovely young maid from St. Jude
-Once rode through the streets in the nude.
- The police cried, "Whatam--
- Agnificent bottom"
-And slapped it as hard as they cude.
-%
-A lusty young maid from Seattle
-Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
- Till she found a bull
- Who filled her so full
-It made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-A lusty young woodsman of Maine
-For years with no woman had lain,
- But he found sublimation
- At a high elevation
-In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
-%
-A madam who ran a bordello
-Put come in her pineapple jello,
- For the rich, sexy taste
- And not wanting to waste
-That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
-%
-A maestro directing in Rome
-Had a quaint way of driving it home.
- Whoever he climbed
- Had to keep her tail timed
-To the beat of his old metronome.
-%
-A maiden who lived in Virginny
-Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
- The horsey set rushed her,
- But success finally crushed her
-For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
-%
-A maiden who travelled in France
-Once got on a train, just by chance.
- The engineer fucked her,
- The conductor sucked her,
-And the fireman came in his pants.
-%
-A maiden who wrote of big cities
-Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
- Sold her stuff at the shop
- Of a musical wop
-Who played with her soft little titties.
-%
-A man was once heard to boast,
-That he received a parcel by post,
- It contained, so we heard,
- A magnificent turd,
-And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
-%
-A marine being sent to Hong Kong
-Got a doctor to alter his dong.
- He sailed off with a tool
- Flat and thin as a rule -
-When he got there he found he was wrong.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Had a hexhedronical ball,
- And the square of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight,
-Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
- And the cube of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call...
-%
-A mathematician named Klein
-Thought the Mobius band was divine.
- Said he, "If you glue
- The edges of two,
-You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
-%
-A middle-aged codger named Bruin
-Found his love life completely in ruin,
- For he flirted with flirts
- Wearing pants and no skirts,
-And he never got in for no screwin'.
-%
-A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
-Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
- She had nowhere to turn,
- So she diddled a churn,
-And managed to come with the butter.
-%
-A mortician who practised in Fife
-Made love to the corpse of his wife.
- "How could I know, Judge?
- She was cold, did not budge--
-Just the same as she'd acted in life."
-%
-A nasty old drunk in Carmel
-Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
- He says, "Some don't favor
- That unusual flavor,
-But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
-%
-A nervous young fellow named Fred
-Took a charming young widow to bed.
- When he'd diddled a while
- She remarked with a smile,
-"You've got it all in but the head."
-%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
-A newlywed couple from Goshen
-Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
- In twenty-eight days
- They got laid eighty ways --
-Imagine such fucking devotion!
-%
-A newly-wed man of Peru
-Found himself in a terrible stew:
- His wife was in bed
- Much deader than dead,
-And so he had no one to screw.
-%
-A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
-In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
- Reads the sign o'er the head
- Of her well-rumpled bed
-"The customer always comes first."
-%
-A novice was told by the Abbot:
-"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
- While they roll in the hay
- You just stay home and pray.
-You've got to get out of that habit."
-%
-A nudist resort at Benares
-Took a midget in all unawares.
- But he made members weep
- For he just couldn't keep
-His nose out of private affairs.
-%
-A nurse motivated by spite
-Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
- She launched it with ease
- On the afternoon breeze,
-And watched till it flew out of sight.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A pansy who lived in Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
- They argued all night
- Over who had the right
-To do what, with which, and to whom.
-%
-A passionate red-haired girl
-When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
- And her twat would get wet,
- And would wiggle and fret,
-And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
-%
-A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
-Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
- To arrest his regard
- She would squat in his yard
-And longingly pee in the sneaux.
-%
-A petulant man once said, "Pish,
-Your cunt is as big as a dish."
- She replied, "Why, you fool,
- With your limp little tool,
-It's like driving a pin with a fish."
-%
-A physical fellow named Fisk
-Could screw at a rate very brisk.
- So fast was his action
- The Fitzgerald contraction
-Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
-%
-A pious old woman named Tweak
-Had taught her vagina to speak.
- It was frequently liable
- To quote from the Bible,
-But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
-%
-A pious young lady named Finnegan
-Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
- So time it aright,
- Make it last through the night,
-For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
-%
-A pious young lady of Chichester
-Made all of the saints in their niches stir
- And each morning at matin
- Her breast in pink satin
-Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
-%
-A playful young chemist named Byrd
-Had an urge that could not be deferred.
- So to irritate Knox
- He shit in his sox,
-And plastered the walls with his turd.
-%
-A plumber whose name was John Brink
-Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
- Her resistance was stout,
- And John Brink petered out,
-With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
-%
-A potter who lived in Bombay
-Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
- But the heat of his prick
- Kilned the damn thing to brick
-And chafed all his foreskin away.
-%
-A pretty wife living in Tours
-Demanded her daily amour.
- But the husband said, "No!
- It's to much. Let it go!
-My backsides are dragging the floor."
-%
-A pretty young boy known as Kevin
-Was raped in a pasture by seven
- Lascivious beasts
- (Oh, those Anglican priests)
-And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole-
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
- She let herself go
- For an hour or so,
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
-A princess who lived near a bog
-Met a prince in the form of a frog.
- Now she and her prince
- Are the parents of quints,
-Four boys and one fine polliwog.
-%
-A princess who reigned in Baroda
-Made her home on a purple pagoda.
- She festooned the walls
- Of her halls with the balls
-And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
-%
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
- My secret's aversion,
- To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
- -- W.J. Wilson
-%
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
%
-A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
-Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
- She cried, "I suppose
- There's no time for my clothes,
-But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
-%
-A rapturous young fellatrix
-One day was at work on five pricks.
- With an unholy cry
- She whipped out her glass eye:
-"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
-%
-A reckless young lady of France
-Had no qualms about taking a chance,
- But she thought it was crude
- To get screwed in the nude,
-So she always went home with damp pants.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They make love the whole day
- In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians,
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They screw the whole day
- In the regular way,
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A responsive young girl from the East
-In bed was an able artiste.
- She had learned two positions
- From family physicians,
-And ten more from the old parish priest.
-%
-A romantic attraction has clung
-To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
- "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
- That lascivious beast
-Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
-%
-A sailor who slept in the sun,
-Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
- He remarked with a smile,
- "Good grief, a sun-dial!
-And now it's a quarter-past one."
-%
-A savvy young hooker named Gail
-Got busted and lodged in the jail.
- But the jailer got hot,
- To be lodged in her twat,
-And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
-%
-A scandal involving an oyster
-Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
- She preferred it, in bed,
- To the count (so she said)
-'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
-%
-A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
-Resounded for miles upon miles.
- Said the friar, "Good gracious,
- The brother Ignatious
-Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
-%
-A seafaring hacker named Slatey
-Went to bed with a VAX/780.
- The thing's learned to swear
- With a nautical air,
-And refers to its users as "matey".
-%
-A sex-loving coed named Bree
-Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
- The joystick, she found,
- Had been fooling around
-With a neighboring student's PC.
-%
-A silly young man from Hong Kong
-Had hands that were skinny and long.
- He ate rice with his fingers--
- The taste of it lingers,
-But now all his fingers are gone.
-%
-A slick talking pirate named Bruce
-To steal code, had a plan to seduce
- An Apple II+.
- Now Bruce wears a truss
-And was jailed for computer abuse.
-%
-A software technician from Digital
-Had hardware extremely prodigical.
- It's rumoured, I hear,
- That when he was near
-He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
-%
-A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
-Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
- She started to pout,
- Because it fell out,
-But the mission was saved by re-entry.
-%
-A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
-His moment of sexual truth.
- He'd expected to fall
- On a womb's spongy wall
-But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
-%
-A spinster in Kalamazoo
-Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
- She was seized by the nape,
- And fucked by an ape,
-And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
-
-And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
-But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
- A man with a prick
- Half as stiff and as thick
-As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
-%
-A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
-Used totoss off each night while in bed.
- Said his mother, "Dear lad,
- That's exceedingly bad--
-Jump in here with your mamma instead."
-%
-A starship commander named Kirk
-Emerged from his cabin berserk.
- He grabbed a girl yeoman
- Beneath the abdomen,
-And gave her a physical jerk.
-%
-A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
-Was having a captive, a person
- Who was not averse
- Though she had the curse,
-And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
-%
-A structured programmer named Drew
-Was intensely turned on by "goto".
- When he saw it in code
- He'd shoot off his load.
-It's a good thing his shop used so few.
-%
-A studious professor named Nestor
-Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
- But she drained out his balls
- And skipped up the walls,
-Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
-%
-A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
-Went down on her beau in the garden.
- He said, "Good lord, Tess,
- Don't swallow that mess "
-And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
-%
-A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
-Went down on her beau in the garden.
- He said, "Good lord, Tess,
- Don't swallow that mess!"
-And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
-%
-A systems programmer named Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
- In jealous distress
- He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's psychotic.
-%
-A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
-Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
- While the man detumesced
- She still spent on with zest,
-Her rapture sheer anachronism.
-%
-A talented girl from Detroit
-Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
- She could squeeze her vagina
- To a pin-point or finer
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called te umpire blind out of malice.
- While this worthy had fits
- The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
- While this worthy had fits
- The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A teenage protester named Lil
-Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
- First they bugged our martinis,
- Our bras and bikinis,
-And now they are bugging the pill."
-%
-A thrice-married gal from L.A.
-Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
- 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
- The voyeur only gawked at it,
-And my most recent man's a gourmet."
-%
-A tidy young lady of Streator
-Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
- She always would say,
- "I prefer it this way.
-I think it is very much neater."
-%
-A timid young woman named Jane
-Found parties a terrible strain;
- With movements uncertain
- She'd hide in a curtain
-And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A tired young trollop of Nome
-Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
- Eight miners came screwing,
- But she said, "Nothing doing;
-One of you has to go home!"
-%
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
- The result of this fuck
- Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
-%
-A tutor who tooted a flute
-Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
- Said the two to the tutor:
- "Is it harder to toot or
-To tutor two tutors to toot"
-%
-A vengeful technician named Schmitz
-Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
- He covered the platter
- With bats' fecal matter.
-Now it's seek time is really the pits.
-%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
-A very odd pair are the Pitts:
-His balls are as large as her tits,
- Her tits are as large
- As an invasion barge--
-Neither knows how the other cohabits.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
- Said, "Heavens above!
- I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
-She used it for many a bunt.
- But the unlucky wench
- Got it caught in her trench ---
-It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
-To get the thing out of her cunt.
-%
-A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
-She used it for many a bunt.
- But the unlucky wench
- Got it caught in her trench ---
-It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
-To get the thing out of her cunt.
-%
-A weary old lecher named Blott
-Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
- Too lazy to rape her,
- He made darts out of paper,
-Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
-%
-A whimsical fellow named Bloch
-Could beat the base drum with his cock.
- With a special erection
- He could play a selection
-From Johann Sebastian Bach.
-%
-A wicked stone cutter named Cary
-Drilled holes in divine statuary.
- With eyes full of malice
- He pulled out his phallus,
-And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
-%
-A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
-Had a hole as big as a basket.
- A spot, as a bride,
- In it now, you could hide,
-And include with your luggage your mascot.
-%
-A widow whose singular vice
-Was to keep her late husband on ice
- Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
- I'll never defrost him!
-Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
-%
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week.
And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
%
-A wonderful bird is the pelican.
-His mouth can hold more than his belican.
- He can take in his beak
- Enough food for a week.
-I'm darned if I know how the helican.
-%
-A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
-Renowned for the length of their peenies.
- The hair on their balls
- Sweeps the floors of their halls,
-But they don't look at women, the meanies.
-%
-A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
-Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
- But when everything's cleared,
- He gives way to the weird,
-As he lovingly busses each table.
-%
-A worn-out young husband named Lehr
-Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
- "Slip on a sheath, quick,
- Then slip your big dick
-Between these lips covered with hair."
+Despising machines to a man,
+The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
+ And ride out by night
+ In a sheeting of white
+To lynch all the robots they can.
+ -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"\bobius strip;
+ The strip revolved,
+ The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+ Or some joker who is slicker,
+ Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+ They usually have virgins,
+ And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+System/3! System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+ Its monitor loses so totally!
+ It runs all its programs in RPG!
+ It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Discovered red spots on his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
-%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
-A young bride and groom of Australia
-Remarked as they joined genitalia :
- "Though the system seems odd,
- We are thankful that God
-Developed the genus Mammalia."
-%
-A young fellow discovered through Freud
-That although of penis devoid,
- He could practice coitus
- By eating a foetus,
-And his parents were quite overjoyed.
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+ But she started absorbin'
+ A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
%
-A young Juliet of St. Louis
-On a balcony stood acting screwy.
- Her Romeo climbed,
- But he wasn't well timed,
-And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+ The sword that he used
+ Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
%
-A young lad named Lester McGraw
-Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
- As he watched him stick her
- He said, with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than Paw."
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+ It at last grew so small,
+ He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
%
-A young lady sat by the sea,
-Just as proper as proper could be.
- A young fellow goosed her,
- And roughly seduced her,
-So she thanked him and went home to tea.
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+ While her lover lamented
+ The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
%
-A young lady who lived by the Usk
-Subsisted each day on a rusk;
- She ate the first bite
- Before it was light,
-And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young lass got married at Chester;
-Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
- Said she, "You're in luck --
- 'E's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
-%
-A young maiden from France was no prude,
-She decided to dive in the nude,
- But her buddy, behind,
- Went out of his mind,
-When he noticed where she was tatooed.
-%
-A young man by a girl was desired
-To give her the thrills she required,
- But he died of old age
- Ere his cock could assuage
-The volcanic desire it inspired.
-%
-A young man from the banks of the Po
-Found his cock had elongated so,
- That when he'd pee
- It was never he
-But only his neighbors who'd know.
-%
-A young man grew increasingly peaky
-In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
- The ferns curled up brown,
- The ceilings flaked down,
-And all of the faucets were leaky.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man maintained that his trigger
-Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
- But this long and thick pud
- Was so heavy it could
-Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
-%
-A young man of acumen and daring,
-Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
- Was left quite alone
- When it soon became known
-That their use at his board was unsparing.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
- Had the whole of Eisteddfod
- Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
-A young man with passions quite gingery
-Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
- He slapped her behind
- And made up his mind
-To add incest to insult and injury.
-%
-A young polo-player of Berkeley
-Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
- In the midst of each chukker
- He would break off and fuck her
-Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
-%
-A young systems programmer of Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
- In jealous distress
- He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's a psychotic.
-%
-A young violinist from Rio
-Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
- As she took down her panties
- She said, "No andantes;
-I want this allegro con brio!"
-%
-A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
-Preferred frigging to going to mass.
- Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
- Or any young cock,
-For I cannot live up to your ass."
-%
-A young woman got married at Chester,
-Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
- Says she, "You're in luck,
- He's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
-%
-According to experts, the oyster
-In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
- May frequently be
- Either he or a she
-Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
-%
-Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
-Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
- Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
- When he parted her thighs;
-"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
-%
-All the female apes ran from King Kong
-For his dong was unspeakably long.
- But a friendly giraffe
- Quaffed his yard and a half,
-And ecstatically burst into song.
-%
-An aesthete from South Carolina
-Had a cock that tickled like China,
- But while shooting his load
- It cracked like old Spode,
-So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
-%
-An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
-Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
- She will use her bare fist
- If the fellows insist
-But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-%
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
- Eroticon VI,
- Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
-An amazon giantess named Dunne
-Let a midget screw her for fun.
- But the poor little runt
- Was engulfed in her cunt
-And re-born as the twin of his son.
-%
-An ambitious lady named Harriet
-Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
- By seventeen sailors
- A monk and three tailors,
-Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
-%
-An anonymous woman we knew
-Was dozing one day in her pew;
- When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
- She said, "Count me in
-As soon as the service is through."
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection-
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection-
-Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
-%
-An ardent young man named Magruder
-Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
- She thought it quite lewd
- To be wooed in the nude,
-But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
-%
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
- Women are fine
- And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
- As he fondled his IMP
- His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
-An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
-Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
- She was finally the prize
- Of a man twice her size
-And all she recalls is the ache.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
- The drawing was fine,
- The colour - devine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
- The drawing was fine,
- The colour - divine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
- The hardware went bad,
- But not the young lad
-(Except for the toupee and truss).
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
- The hardware went bad,
- But not the young lad
-He didn't expect all that fuss!
-%
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
- Used on Saturday nights
- To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An envious girl named McMeanus
-Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
- It was small consolation
- That the rest of the nation
-Of women were with her in weeness.
-%
-An exotic young lady named Suki
-Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
- When asked for a fuck
- She said, "Solly, no luck--
-See here: looky looky, no nuki "
-%
-An impish young fellow named James
-Had a passion for idiot games.
- He lighted the hair
- Of his lady's affair
-And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
-%
-An impotent Scot named MacDougall
-Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
- He was gathering semen
- To gender a he-man,
-By screwing his wife through a bugle.
-%
-An incautious young woman named Venn
-Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
- She vanished one day,
- But the following May
-Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An indefatigable woman named Bavel
-Had often occasion to travel;
- On the way she would sit
- And furiously knit,
-And on the way back she'd unravel.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An ingenious young man in South Bend
-Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
- But the friend shortly found
- Its construction unsound,
-It was simply a bother -- no end.
-%
-An innocent maiden named Herridge
-Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
- When she later found out
- What her spouse was about,
-She threw herself under a carriage.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An inquisitive virgin named Dora
-Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
- "Do you mean birds and bees
- Go through antics like these,
-To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
-%
-An irate young lady named Booker
-Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
- If you want it queer ways,
- Go to whores for your lays!"
-So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
-%
-An octagenerian Jew
-To his wife remained steadfastly true.
- This was not from compunction,
- But due to dysfunction
-Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
-%
-An old couple just at Shrovetide
-Were having a piece -- when he died.
- The wife for a week
- Sat tight on his peak,
-And bounced up and down as she cried.
-%
-An old electronic designer
-Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
- He couldn't carry them out
- For his prick was too stout,
-And too small was the minor's vagina.
-%
-An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
-Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
- But he was not removed
- Till one day it was proved
-That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An old maid who had a pet ape
-Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
- His red, hairy phallus
- So filled her with malice
-That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
-%
-An old man at the Folies Bergere
-Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
- It snipped off a twat-curl
- From each new chorus girl,
-And he had a wig made of the hair.
-%
-An organist playing in York
-Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
- And between obbligatos
- He'd munch at tomatoes,
-To keep up his strength while at work.
-%
-An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
-Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
- Her climatic fame spread
- With an ad blitz that said:
-Coming soon at a theater near you!
-%
-An uptight young lady named Breerley
-Who valued her morals too dearly
- Had sex, so I hear,
- Only once every year,
-And she strained her vagina severely.
-%
-And earnest young woman in Thrace
-Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
- So he gave her a thwack,
- And did on her back,
-What he couldn't have done face to face.
-%
-And then there's the story that's fraught
-With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
- When a chap took a crap
- In the woods, and a trap
-Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
-%
-As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
-Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
- Since he thinks it's effete
- To be beating his meat,
-What he's into is licking his chops.
-%
-As he came in his chubby choirboy,
-Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
- If no sodomy levens
- And possible heavens,
-Existence will merely annoy."
-%
-As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
-Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
- I could not bear the loss,
- For with scarlet silk floss
-My mama has embroidered their clocks."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-As tourists inspected the apse
-An ominous series of raps
- Came from under the altar,
- Which caused some to falter
-And others to shriek and collapse.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
-"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
- I screw a young nun
- In the eastertide sun?"
-His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
-%
-At a contest for farting in Butte
-One lady's exertion was cute :
- It won the diploma
- For fetid aroma,
-And three judges were felled by the brute.
-%
-At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
-Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
- Letting all comers press
- Through the skirt of her dress
-And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
-%
-At the end of all civilization
-Is the planet Terminus's location.
- There's a girl there whose feat,
- Without stone or concrete,
-Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
-%
-At the moment Japan declared war
-A sailor was fucking a whore.
- He said, "After this poke
- `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
-This means months 'til I get back ashore."
-%
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
- It beats all night long
- A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
- Thanks to vulcanized aids,
- Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
-At whist drives and strawberry teas
-Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
- But when she was alone
- She'd drink eau de cologne,
-And weep from a sense of unease.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
- In the morning he'd not
- Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for splashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
- In the morning he'd not
- Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Back in the days of old Adam
-The grass served as mattress for madam,
- And they spent the whole day
- On the sex that today
-They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
-%
-Each Friday his engines abort,
-But Scotty is never caught short.
- He fills his machines
- With space-navy beans,
-And farts the ship back into port.
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot of my bed;
- I'd not mind that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
- I'd not mind that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
- Said the rector, "My gracious,
- Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
-%
-From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
-There is really abominable news;
- They've discovered a head
- In the box for the bread,
-But nobody seems to know whose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From the bathing machine came a din
-As of jollification within;
- It was heard far and wide,
- And the incoming tide
-Had a definite flavour of gin.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
- "Since dating Miss Baugh,
- My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
-%
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
- It's the best part of valor
- To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
-%
-In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam,
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
-%
-In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls and he had'em.
-%
-In the little French town of Le'Beau,
-Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
- At a masquerade ball,
- Clad in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker house roll.
-%
-It always delights me at Hank's
-To walk up the old river banks.
- One time in the grass
- I stepped on an ass,
-And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
-%
-It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
-Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
- They sat in her Bentley,
- She fondled him gently,
-And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
-%
-The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
-No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
- Where ten thousand virgins
- Succumbed to his urgin's
-There now stands the great State of Utah.
-%
-The latest reports from Good Hope
-State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
- And fuck high, wide, and free,
- From the top of one tree
-To the top of the next -- what a scope!
-%
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
- Once Congress in session,
- Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
- He knew from its bend
- And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of orgasm
- Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
-%
-There once was a bishop from Birmingham
-Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
- As they knelt on the hassock
- He lifted his cassock
-And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
-%
-There once was a boy named Carruthers
-Who was busily fucking his mother
- "I know it's a sin,"
- He said, shoving it in,
-"But it's better than blowing my brother."
-%
-There once was a chick named Longet,
-Who went out to Aspen to play.
- Along came a Spyder,
- Who sat down beside her
-And she blew the poor bastard away.
-%
-There once was a clergyman's daughter
-Who detested the pony he bought her,
- Till she found that its dong
- Was as hard and as long
-As the prayers her father had taught her.
-
-She married a fellow named Tony
-Who soon found her fucking the pony.
- Said he, "What's it got,
- My dear, that I've not?"
-Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used library paste,
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelly
-Who walked around belly-to-belly.
- It seems in their haste,
- They used Carter's paste
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a dentist named Stone
-Who saw all his patients alone.
- In a fit of depravity
- He filled the wrong cavity,
-And my, how his practice has grown!
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
- Said the potted old Duke :
- "Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
- Said the king to this dame
- As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
-There once was a fag of Khartoom
-Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
- They argued all night,
- Over who had the right,
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
-There once was a fairy named Avers
-Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
- Though buggers all claimed
- That their asses were maimed,
-Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Bob
-Who in sexual ways was a snob.
- One day he was swimmin'
- With twelve naked women
-And deserted them all for a gob.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Brewster
-Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
- "It used to be grand
- But look at my hand
-You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Howard,
-Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
- While grabbing some ass,
- He reached critical mass,
-But think of the girl he deflowered!
-%
-There once was a fellow named Potts
-Who was prone to having the trots
- But his humble abode
- Was without a commode
-So his carpet was covered with spots.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Siegel
-Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
- But the mettlesome bitch
- Turned and said with a twitch,
-"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Sweeney
-Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
- Not being uncouth,
- He added vermouth
-And slipped his amour a martini.
-%
-There once was a fencer named Fisk,
-Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
- So fast was his action,
- The Fitzgerald contraction,
-Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a floozie named Annie
-Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
- A buck for a fuck,
- Fifty cents for a suck,
-And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
- He was caught by G-men
- Shooting his semen
-Where the cops would slip and fall down.
-%
-There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
-Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
- Sheep are just fine,
- Chickens, divine,
-But iguanas are Numero Uno."
-%
-There once was a gay young Parisian
-Who screwed an appendix incision,
- And the girl of his choice
- Could hardly rejoice
-At the horrible lack of precision.
-%
-There once was a girl from Cornell
-Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
- When you touched them they shrunk,
- Except when she was drunk,
-And then they got bigger than hell.
-%
-There once was a girl from Decatur,
-Who got laid by a big alligator.
- Now nobody knew
- The result of that screw,
-'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- ( as you bastards think )
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- (As you bastards think)
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Spokane,
-Went to bed with a one-legged man.
- She said, "I know you--
- You've really got two!
-Why didn't you say so when we began?"
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
- But she started absorbin'
- A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a girl named Louise
-Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
- The crabs in her twat
- Tied the hairs in a knot
-And constructed a flying trapeze
-%
-There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
-Who was diddled amazingly often.
- She was rogered by scores
- Who'd been turned down by whores,
-And was finally screwed in her coffin.
-%
-There once was a girl named Priscilla
-Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
- The taste was so fine
- Man and beast stood in line
-(Including a stud armadilla).
-%
-There once was a girl so lovely,
-Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
- She strapped on her tanks,
- And started her pranks,
-But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
-%
-There once was a golfer named Leer,
-Who got put in the clink for a year,
- For an action obscene,
- On the very first green.
-Where the sign said "Enter course here."
-%
-There once was a gouty old colonel
-Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
- And he cried in his tiffin
- For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
-And the size of the thing was infernal.
-%
-There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
-Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
- But when I meet boys,
- God! how I enjoys
-Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
- So he built him some chicks,
- Of silicon chips,
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a handsome young seaman
-Who with ladies was really a demon.
- In peace or in war,
- At sea or on shore,
-He could certainly dish out the semen.
-%
-There once was a horny old bitch
-With a motorized self-frigger which
- She would use with delight
- All day long and all night -
-Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
-%
-There once was a horse named Lily
-Whose dingus was really a dilly.
- It was vaginoid duply,
- And labial quadruply --
-In fact, he was really a filly.
-%
-There once was a husky young Viking
-Whose sexual prowess was striking.
- Every time he got hot
- He would scour the twat
-Of some girl that might be to his liking.
-%
-There once was a jolly old bloke
-Who picked up a girl for a poke.
- He took down her pants,
- Fucked her into a trance,
-And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
-%
-There once was a kiddie named Carr
-Caught a man on top of his mar.
- As he saw him stick 'er,
- He said with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than par."
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a lady from Kansas
-Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
- It was nine inches deep
- And the sides were quite steep --
-It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
-%
-There once was a lady named Carter,
-Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
- She stripped off his pants,
- At his prick quickly glanced,
-And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
-%
-There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who posessed a magnificent pair.
- Or that's what I thought,
- Till I saw one get caught,
-On a thorn and begin losing air.
-%
-There once was a lady named Myrtle
-Who had an affair with a turtle.
- She had crabs, so they say,
- In a year and a day
-Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
-%
-There once was a lawyer named Rex
-With minuscule organs of sex.
- Arraigned for exposure,
- He maintained with composure,
-"De minimis non curat lex."
-
- [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
-%
-There once was a lifeguard named Lee
-Who rescued a girl from the sea
- She asked how to pay,
- And he said "Try this way,
-Go down for the third time on me."
-%
-There once was a maid from Mobile
-Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
- She only got thrills
- From pneumatic drills
-And an off-centered emery wheel.
-%
-There once was a man from Bombay
-He would do it all night and all day
- He soon became sore
- You shoulda' heard him roar
-When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
-%
-There once was a man from Calcutta
-Who used to beat off in the gutta
- The heat of the sun
- Affected his gun
-And turned all his cream into butta!
-%
-There once was a man from Dunoon,
-Who always ate soup with a fork.
- He said "When I eat
- Either fish, foul or flesh,
-I otherwise finish too quick."
-%
-There once was a man from Exameter
-Who had a prodigious diameter
- But it wasn't the size
- That brought forth the cries
-'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a man from Madras,
-Whose balls were made out of brass.
- When they clanged together,
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were most horrid
- All ass and no forehead
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
- His daughter, named Nan,
- Ran away with a man,
-And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
-
-The pair of them went to Manhasset,
-(Nan and the man with the asset.)
- Pa followed them there,
- But they left in a tear,
-And as for the asset, Manhasset.
-
-Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
-(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
- Pa said to the man,
- "You're welcome to Nan."
-But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket,
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin,
- As he wiped off his chin,
-If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
-%
-There once was a man from Racine,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Both concave and convex,
- It could please either sex,
-But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-%
-There once was a man from Sandem
-Who was making his girl on a tandem.
- At the peak of the make
- She jammed on the brake
-And scattered his semen at random.
-%
-There once was a man from Sydney
-Who could put it up to her kidney.
- But the man from Quebec
- Put it up to her neck;
-He had a big one, now didn't he?
-%
-There once was a man named Lodge,
-who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- When his date was strapped in,
- He committed a sin,
-without ever leaving the garage.
-%
-There once was a man named McGruder,
-Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
- But the girl thought it crude,
- To be wooed in the nude,
-So McGru took an oar and subduder.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
- So just to be couth
- He added vermouth
-And slipped his best girl a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
- Just to be couth,
- He added vermouth,
-And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named Parridge
-With peculiar views on marriage.
- He sucked off his brother,
- Fucked his own mother,
-And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There once was a man with a hernia
-Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
- When you work on my middle
- Be sure you don't fiddle
-With things that do not concern ya."
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
- The sword that he used
- Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was a miner named Dave,
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- She was ugly as shit,
- And missing one tit,
-But think of the money he saves.
-%
-There once was a monk of Camyre
-Who was seized with a carnal desire
- And the primary cause
- Was the abbess's drawers
-Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-%
-There once was a newspaper vendor,
-A person of dubious gender.
- He would charge one-and-two
- For permission to view
-His remarkable double pudenda.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a pretty young Mrs.
-Whose tearful but short story thrs.
- Her mind lost its grasp -
- Now she thinks she's an asp
-And just sits in the corner and hrs.
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a reverend at Kings
-Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
- But his heart was on fire
- For a boy in the choir
-Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
-%
-There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife --
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is they all do it well."
-%
-There once was a sailor named Gasted,
-A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
- He could jerk himself off
- In a basket, aloft,
-Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- It was not the size
- That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
-Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
- Yet the girls he would dazzle,
- And fuck to a frazzle,
-And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
-%
-There once was a spaceman named Spock
-Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
- A girl from Missouri
- Whose name was Uhura
-Just fainted away from the shock.
-%
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
- The more he would screw
- The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
- He/she/it said with a nod,
- "My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
-There once was a whore from Regina
-Who had a stupendous vagina.
- To save herself time,
- She had six at a time,
-And another one working behind her.
-%
-There once was a woman from Arden
-Who sucked off a man in a garden.
- He said, "My dear Flo,
- Where does all that stuff go?"
-And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
-%
-There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
-Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
- But he lurked in the ditches
- And diddled the bitches
-Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
-%
-There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly,
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There once was a young girl from Natches
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches
- She often said, "Shit!
- I'd give either tit
-For a guy with equipment that matches."
-%
-There once was a young man from Boston
-Who drove around town in an Austin,
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
-So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
-%
-There once was a young man from France
-Who waited ten years for his chance;
-Then he muffed it...
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma
-Who attempted sex with a puma
- He gave up real quick
- Minus nose, toes, and prick
-In obvious pain and ill huma.
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma,
-Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
- Now his dry bleached bones lie,
- Under hot Asian skies,
-'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
-%
-There once was a young man named Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-And now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There once was a young man named Gene,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Concave and convex,
- It served either sex,
-And it played with itself inbetween.
-%
-There once was a young man named Lancelot
-Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
- For when he should pass
- A desirable lass
-The front of his pants would advance a lot.
-%
-There once was an Arpanet freak,
-Who better response-time did seek.
- He searched coast to coast,
- For a reliable host,
-Whose logger took less than a week.
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
- It at last grew so small,
- He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There once were two brothers named Luntz
-Who buggered each other at once.
- When asked to account
- For this intricate mount,
-They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
-%
-There once were two women from Birmingham.
-And this is the story concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And fondled the cock
-Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a family named Doe,
-An ideal family to know.
- As father screwed mother,
- She said, "You're heavier than brother."
-And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
-%
-There was a fat lady of China
-Who'd a really enormous vagina,
- And when she was dead
- They painted it red,
-And used it for docking a liner.
-%
-There was a fat man from Rangoon
-Whose prick was much like a ballon.
- He tried hard to ride her
- And when finally inside her
-She thought she was pregnant too soon.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay dog from Ontario
-Who fancied himself a Lothario.
- At a wench's glance
- He'd snatch off his pants
-And make for her Mons Venerio.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Norton
-Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
- To make up for this loss,
- He had balls like a horse,
-And never spent less than a quartern.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Tooting
-Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
- Till he married a lass
- With a face like my arse,
-And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
-%
-There was a girl from Aberystwyth
-Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's son Jack
- Laid her flat on her back
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a lewd fellow named Duff
-Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
- With his head in a whirl
- He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
-I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
-%
-There was a man from Mich.
-Who used to wish and wich.
- That spring would come
- So he could bum
-Around and go out fich.
-%
-There was a pianist named Liszt
-Who played with one hand while he pissed,
- But as he grew older
- His technique grew bolder,
-And in concert jacked off with his fist.
-%
-There was a poor parson from Goring,
-Who made a small hole in his flooring,
- Fur-lined it all round,
- Then laid on the ground,
-And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
-%
-There was a strong man of Drumrig
-Who one day did seven times frig.
- He buggered three sailors,
- Four dogs and two tailors,
-And ended by fucking a pig.
-%
-There was a teenager named Donna
-Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
- Two days out of three
- She would shoot LSD,
-And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
-%
-There was a young belle of old Natchez
-Whose garments were always in patchez.
- When comment arose
- On the state of her clothes
-She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
-%
-There was a young blade from South Greece
-Whose bush did so greatly increase
- That before he could shack
- He must hunt needle in stack.
-'Twas as bad as being obese.
-%
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
- You say that I, maybe,
- Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
-%
-There was a young bride of Antigua
-Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
- Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
- Why, you've only felt my twot,
-My legs and my arse and my figua!"
-%
-There was a young chap in Arabia
-Who courted a widow named Fabia.
- "Yes, my tongue is as long
- As the average man's dong,"
-He said, licking the lips of her labia.
-%
-There was a young cook with the art
-Of making a delicious tart
- With a handful of shit,
- Some snot and some spit,
-And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
-%
-There was a young curate whose brain
-Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
- He lured a small child
- To a copse dark and wild,
-Where he beat it to death with his cane.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young damsel named Baker
-Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
- He yelled, "My God! what
- Do you call this -- a twat?
-Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
-%
-There was a young dolly named Molly
-Who thought that to frig was a folly.
- Said she, "Your pee-pee
- Means nothing to me,
-But I'll do it just to be jolly."
-%
-There was a young fellow called Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-So now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Cal.,
-In bed with a passionate gal.
- He leapt from the bed,
- To the toilet he sped;
-Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Florida
-Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
- When they got into bed
- He cried, "God strike me dead!
-This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Kent
-Whose cock was so long that it bent
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Leeds
-Who swallowed a package of seeds.
- Great tufts of grass
- Sprouted out of his ass
-And his balls were all covered with weeds.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Parma
-Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
- Said the damsel demure,
- "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
-But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
-%
-There was a young fellow name Tucker
-Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
- Said, "Don't bow out your lips
- Like an elephant's hips,
-The boys like it best when they pucker."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Ades
-Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
- But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
- And the knot holes in doors
-Were by no means exempt from his raids.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Babbitt
-Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
- But a girl from Johore
- Could do it twice more,
-Which was just enough extra to crab it.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bill,
-Who took an atomic pill,
- His navel corroded,
- His asshole exploded,
-And they found his nuts in Brazil.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bowen
-Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
- It grew so tremendous,
- So long and so pendulous,
-'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Brewer
-Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
- Thus he, the poor soul,
- Could get into her hole,
-And still not be able to screw her!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Case
-Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
- He licked his way clean
- Through Number thirteen,
-But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Charteris
-Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
- Said she, "I don't mind,
- And higher up you'll find
-The place where my fucker and farter is."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Cribbs
-Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
- They were inches apart,
- And to suck it took art,
-While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
-%
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
- It was shaped like a prism
- And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Feeney
-Whose girl was a terrible meany.
- The hatch of her snatch
- Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
-Was reputed an infamous lecher.
- When he'd take on a whore
- She'd need a rebore,
-And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fyfe
-Whose marriage was ruined for life,
- For he had an aversion
- To every perversion,
-And only liked fucking his wife.
-
-Well, one year the poor woman struck,
-And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
- And said, "Where have you gotten us
- With your goddamn monotonous
-Fuck after fuck after fuck?
-
-"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
-And a versatile girl she was, too.
- After ten years of whoredom
- She perished of boredom
-When she married a jackass like you!"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gene
-Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
- He next picked his toes,
- And lastly his nose,
-And he never did wash in between.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gluck
-Who found himself shit out of luck.
- Though he petted and wooed,
- When he tried to get screwed
-He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Goody
-Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
- If he found himself nude
- With a gal in the mood
-The question's not woody but could he?
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grant
-Who was made like the sensitive plant.
- When they asked "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could, but I can't."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grimes
-Who fucked his girl seventeen times
- In the course of a week --
- And this isn't to speak
-Of assorted venereal crimes.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Harry,
-Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
- He grabbed him a virgin,
- Who, without any urgin',
-Immediately spread like a fairy.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Hatch
-Who was fond of the music of Bach.
- He said: "It's not fussy
- Like Brahms and Debussy;
-Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Kimble
-Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
- But fragile and slender,
- And dainty and tender,
-So he kept it encased in a thimble.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Meek
-Who invented a lingual technique.
- It drove women frantic,
- And made them romantic,
-And wore all the hair off his cheek.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Morgan
-Who possessed an unusual organ:
- The end of his dong,
- Which was nine inches long,
-Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Paul
-Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
- But the size of my prick
- Is God's dirtiest trick,
-For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Pell
-Who didn't like cunt very well.
- He would finger or fuck one,
- But never would suck one--
-He just couldn't get used to the smell.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Price
-Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
- He had virgins and boys
- And mechanical toys,
-And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Prynne
-Whose prick was so short and so thin,
- His wife found she needed
- A Fuckoscope -- she did --
-To see if he'd gotten it in.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Skinner
-Who took a young lady to dinner
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-At twenty to ten it was in her.
-The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
-
-There was a young fellow named Tupper
-Who took a young lady to supper.
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-And at twenty to ten it was up her.
-Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
-Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
- The hatch of her snatch,
- Had a catch that would latch,
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Burma
-Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
- But now that he's married he's
- Been using cantharides
-And the root of their love is much firmer.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- He had such a tool
- It was wound on a spool,
-And he reeled it out inich by inich.
-
-But this tale has an unhappy finich,
-For due to the sand in the spinach
- His ballocks grew rough
- And wrecked his wife's muff,
-And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Harrow
-Whose john was the size of a marrow.
- He said to his tart,
- "How's this for a start?
-My balls are outside in a barrow."
-%
-There was a young fellow of Kent
-Whose prick was so long that it bent,
- So to save himself trouble
- He put it in double,
-And instead of coming he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Mayence
-Who fucked his own arse in defiance
- Not only of custom
- And morals, dad-bust him,
-But of most of the known laws of science.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Perth
-Whose balls were the finest on earth.
- They grew to such size
- That one won a prize,
-And goodness knows what they were worth.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Strensall
-Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
- On the night of his wedding
- It went through the bedding,
-And shattered the chamber utensil.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Warwick
-Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
- For he could by election
- Have triune erection:
-Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
-%
-There was a young fellow whose dong
-Was prodigiously massive and long.
- On each side of his whang
- Two testes did hang
-That attracted a curious throng.
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
- A woman is fine,
- And a sheep is divine,
-But a llama is Numero Uno."
-%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
- Women are fine
- And children devine,
-But the llama is numero uno."
-%
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
- Said he with a grin,
- "Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
-%
-There was a young girl from Annista
-Who dated a lecherous mister.
- He fondled her titty,
- Got one finger shitty,
-Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
-%
-There was a young girl from Decatur
-Who was raped by an alligator.
- But no one quite knew
- How she relished that screw,
-For after he screwed her, he ate her.
-%
-There was a young girl from Dundee,
-From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
- No one ate the nice fruit,
- To tell you the truth,
-Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
-%
-There was a young girl from East Lynn
-Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
- Had filled up her crack
- With hard-setting shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Who said, "You are utterly wrong
- To say my vagina
- Is the largest in China
-Just because of your mean little dong."
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl from Medina
-Who could completely control her vagina.
- She could twist it around
- Like the cunts that are found
-In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-
-Till along came a man who presented
-A tool that was strangely indented.
- With a dizzying twirl
- He punctured that girl,
-And thus was the cork-screw invented.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her quim with a cork
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade, it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who had nothing whatever to do.
- So she sat on the stairs,
- And counted cunt hairs,
-Four thousand, three hundred and two.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who noticed her lovers were few;
- So she walked out her door
- With a fig leaf, no more,
-And now she's in bed - with the flu.
-%
-There was a young girl from Samoa
-Who pledged that no man would know her.
- One young fellow tried,
- But she wriggled aside,
-And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
-%
-There was a young girl from Seattle,
-Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
- But a bull from the South
- Shot a wad in her mouth
-That made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-There was a young girl from Siam
-Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
- "To seduce me, of course,
- You'll have to use force,
-And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Cyr
-Whose reflex reactions were queer.
- Her escort said, "Mable,
- Get up off the table;
-That money's to pay for the beer."
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Paul
-Who went to a newspaper ball.
- Her dress caught on fire
- And burnt her entire
-Front page and sport section and all.
-%
-There was a young girl from the Bronix
-Who had a vagina of onyx.
- She had so much `tsoris'
- With her clitoris,
-She traded it in for a Packard.
-%
-There was a young girl from the coast
-Who, just when she needed it most,
- Lost her Kotex and bled
- All over the bed,
-And the head and the beard of her host.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who eked out a living through sin.
- She didn't mind fucking,
- But much preferred sucking,
-And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
- Though he diddled his best,
- And fucked her with zest,
-She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
-%
-There was a young girl in Dakota
-Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
- "In addition to gas
- We are rationing ass,
-And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
-%
-There was a young girl name McKnight
-Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
- She came to in bed,
- With a split maidenhead--
-That's the last time she ever was tight.
-%
-There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
-Who swore that no man could surprise her.
- But Pabst took a chance,
- Found a Schlitz in her pants,
-And now she is sadder Budweiser.
-%
-There was a young girl named Heather
-Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
- She made a queer noise,
- Which attracted the boys,
-By flapping the edges together.
-%
-There was a young girl named McCall
-Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
- But the size of her anus
- Was something quite heinous --
-It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Clare
-Whose body was covered with hair.
- It was really quite fun
- To probe with one's gun,
-For her quimmy might be anywhere.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Malley
-Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
- She got roars of applause
- When she kicked off her drawers,
-But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
-%
-There was a young girl named Saphire
-Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
- She tickled the balls
- Of the men in the halls,
-And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's sun, Jack,
- Laid her flat on her back,
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Asturias
-With a penchant for practices curious.
- She loved to bat rocks
- With her gentlemen's cocks --
-A practice both rude and injurious.
-%
-There was a young girl of Batonger
-who diddled herself with a conger,
- When asked how it feels
- To be pleasured by eels
-She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
-%
-There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
-Had a very capricious vagina:
- To the shock of the fucker
- "Twould suddenly pucker,
-And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Cod
-Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
- But it wasn't Jehovah
- That turned the girl over,
-'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
- the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Town
-Who usually fucked with a clown.
- He taught her the trick
- Of sucking his prick,
-And when it went up -- she went down.
-%
-There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
-Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
- She was fucked at the show
- In the twenty-third row,
-And once more going home in the taxi.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young girl of Des Moines
-Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
- Till a guy from Hoboken
- Went and dropped in a token,
-And now she rides free on the ferry.
-%
-There was a young girl of Detroit
-Who at fucking was very adroit:
- She could squeeze her vagina
- To a pin-point, or finer,
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-
-And she had a friend named Durand
-Whose cock could contract or expand.
- He could diddle a midge
- Or the arch of a bridge --
-Their performance together was grand!
-%
-There was a young girl of East Lynne
-Whose mother, to save her from sin,
- Had filled up her crack,
- To the brim with shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl of Gibraltar
-Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
- It really seems odd
- That a virtuous God
-Should answer her prayers and assault her.
-%
-There was a young girl of LLewellyn
-Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
- They were big it is true,
- But her cunt was big too,
-Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
-Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
-%
-There was a young girl of Mobile,
-Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
- To give her a thrill,
- Took a rotary drill,
-Or a number nine emery wheel.
-%
-There was a young girl of Moline
-Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
- She would work on a prick
- With every known trick,
-And finish by winking it clean.
-%
-There was a young girl of Newcastle
-Whose charms were declared universal.
- While one man in front
- Wired into her cunt,
-Another was engaged at her arsehole.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pawtucket
-Whose box was as big as a bucket.
- Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
- I'll have to wear boots,
-For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
-%
-There was a young girl of Penzance
-Who boarded a bus in a trance.
- The passengers fucked her,
- Likewise the conductor,
-While the driver shot off in his pants.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pitlochry
-Who was had by a man in a rockery.
- She said, "Oh! You've come
- All over my bum;
-This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
-%
-There was a young girl of Rangoon
-Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
- "Well, it has been great fun,"
- She remarked when he'd done,
-"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
-%
-There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
-Whose people all thought her a virgin,
- Till they found her in bed
- With her twat very red,
-And the head of a kid just emergin'.
-%
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
- When she sat on their lap
- She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
- T'was fun in the breeding
- But hell in the feeding
-When she found there's no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
- It was fun in the breeding,
- But hell in the feeding,
-When she found there was no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young harlot from Kew
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They'll pay to get out of it too."
-%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
-Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
- And they tickled so nice
- She drew a high price
-From the studs at the summer resorts.
-
-Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
-Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
- For according to rumor
- His tool had a tumor
-And a fine row of warts down the middle.
-%
-There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
-Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
- The knob out in front
- Attracted foul cunt
-Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
-%
-There was a young idler named Blood,
-Made a fortune performing at stud,
- With a fifteen-inch peter,
- A double-beat metre,
-And a load like the Biblical Flood.
-%
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
- Perceiving his error,
- The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
-%
-There was a young lad - name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad from Nahant
-Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
- When asked, "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could but I can't."
-%
-There was a young lad from Siam,
-Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
- He loved them real small,
- 'Cause they're funner to ball,
-So he went out and bought him a lamb!
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Ward
-Who strung himself up with a cord
- Said he, of his work
- (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
-"I am leaving because I am bored."
- - E.A. Guest
-%
-There was a young lad named McFee
-Who was stung in the balls by a bee
- He made oodles of money
- By oozing pure honey
-Every time he attempted to pee.
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
- Said the brawny old mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the cook and the captain and me."
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
- "I see," said the mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the captain, the purser, and me."
-%
-There was a young lady called Ciss
-Who went to the river to piss.
- A young man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt;
-No wonder she thought it was bliss.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bangor
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
- She woke in dismay
- When she heard the mate say:
-"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
-%
-There was a young lady from Bright,
-Whose speed was much faster than light.
- She went out one day
- In a relative way
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bristol
-Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
- Said she, "It's all glass,
- And as round as my ass,"
-And she farted as loud as a pistol.
-%
-There was a young lady from Brussels
-Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
- She could easily plex them
- And so interflex them
-As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
-%
-There was a young lady from Drew
-Who ended her verse at line two.
-%
-There was a young lady from Dumfries
-Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
- My navel's all bare,
- So stick it in there,
-Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
-%
-There was a young lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
- While her lover lamented
- The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
-%
-There was a young lady from Norway
-Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
- She told her young man,
- "Get off the divan,
-I think I've discovered one more way "
-%
-There was a young lady from Prentice
-Who had an affair with a dentist.
- To make things easier
- He used anesthesia,
-And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rheims
-Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
- A friend poked around
- And a fly-button found
-Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
- As she dropped her panties
- She said, "No andanties
-I want this allegro con brio."
-%
-There was a young lady from Siam
-Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
- "You may kiss me of course,
- But you'll have to use force.
-Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who demurely undressed on a train.
- A helpful young porter
- Helped more than he orter,
-And she promptly cried "Help me again"
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who got sick as she rode on a train;
- Not once, but again,
- And again, and again,
-And again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Whose face was exceedingly plain,
- But her cunt had a pucker
- That made the men fuck her,
-Again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Troy
-Had a moustache, just like a young boy
- Though it tickled to kiss
- 'Twas a source of much bliss
-When she used it to brush a man's toy.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who had a peculiar feeling.
- She laid on her back
- And tickled her crack
-And pissed all over the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wooster
-Who complained that too many men gooster.
- So she traded her scanties
- For sandpaper panties,
-Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
-%
-There was a young lady in Reno,
-Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
- But she lay on her back,
- And opened her crack,
-So now she owns the Casino!
-%
-There was a young lady named Alice
-Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
- 'Twas the common belief
- It was done for relief,
-And not out of protestant malice.
-%
-There was a young lady named Astor
-Who never let any get past her.
- She finally got plenty
- By stopping twenty,
-Which certainly ought to last her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Banker,
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
- She woke in dismay,
- When she heard the mate say,
-"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
-%
-There was a young lady named Blount
-Who had a rectangular cunt.
- She learned for diversion
- Posterior perversion,
-Since no one could fit here in front.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bower
-Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
- But a poet from Perth
- Laid her flat on the earth,
-And proceeded with penis to plough her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brent
-With a cunt of enormous extent,
- And so deep and so wide,
- The acoustics inside
-Were so good you could hear when you spent.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bright
-Who could travel much faster than light.
- She took off one day,
- In a relative way,
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brook
-Who never could learn how to cook.
- But on a divan
- She could please any man-
-She knew every darn trick in the book!
-%
-There was a young lady named Cager
-Who, as the result of a wager,
- Consented to fart
- The entire oboe part
-Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ciss
-Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
- But she'll never restate,
- For a wheel off her skate
-.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- At least so I thought
- Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Dot
-Whose cunt was so terribly hot
- That ten bishops of Rome
- And the Pope's private gnome
-Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
-%
-There was a young lady named Duff
-With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
- In his haste to get in her
- One eager beginner
-Lost both of his balls in the rough.
-%
-There was a young lady named Etta
-Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
- Three reasons she had:
- To keep warm wasn't bad,
-But the other two reasons were betta.
-%
-There was a young lady named Fleager
-Who was terribly, terribly eager
- To be all the rage
- On the tragedy stage,
-Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Flo
-Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
- So they tried it all night,
- Till he got it just right...
-Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
-%
-There was a young lady named Flynn
-Who thought fornication a sin,
- But when she was tight
- It seemed quite all right,
-So everyone filled her with gin.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gilda
-Who went on a date with a builder.
- He said that he would,
- And he could and he should,
-And he did and it damn well near killed her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria
-Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
- And then by six men,
- Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria,
-Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
- She replied to the chap,
- "I'll draw you a map,
-Of where others have been to before ya."
-%
-There was a young lady named Grace
-Who would not take a prick in her "place."
- Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
- She never would fuck it--
-She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hatch
-Who would always come through in a scratch.
- If a guy wouldn't neck her,
- She'd grab up his pecker
-And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
-%
-There was a young lady named Mable
-Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
- Then cry to her man,
- "Stuff in all you can --
-Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
-%
-There was a young lady named Mandel
-Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
- By coming out bare
- On the main village square
-And frigging herself with a candle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Maud,
-A terrible society fraud:
- In company, I'm told,
- She was distant and cold,
-But if you got her alone, Oh God!
-%
-There was a young lady named May
-Who strolled in a park by the way,
- And she met a youg man
- Who fucked her and ran --
-Now she goes to the park every day.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nance
-Who learned about fucking in France,
- And when you'd insert it
- She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
-And shoved it right back in your pants.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nelly
-Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
- They could tickle her twat
- Or be tied in a knot,
-And could even swat flies on her belly.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was raped three times in a hansom
- When she cried out for more
- Said a voice from the floor,
-"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
- When she cried out for more
- A voice from the floor
-Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
-%
-There was a young lady named Riddle
-Who had an untouchable middle.
- She had many friends
- Because of her ends,
-Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-Who fainted whenever she chose;
- She did so one day
- While playing croquet,
-But was quickly revived with a hose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-With erogenous zones in her toes.
- She remained onanistic
- Till a foot-fetishistic
-Young man became one of her beaux.
-%
-There was a young lady named Schneider
-Who often kept trysts with a spider.
- She found a strange bliss,
- In the hiss of her piss,
-As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Smith
-Whose virtue was largely a myth.
- She said, "Try as I can
- I can't find a man
-Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady named Wylde
-Who kept herself quite undefiled
- By thinking of Jesus;
- Contagious diseases;
-And the bother of having a child.
-%
-There was a young lady of Arden,
-The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
- Said she with a frown,
- "I've been sadly let down
-By the tool of a fool in a garden."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bicester
-Who was nicer by far than her sister:
- The sister would giggle
- And wiggle and jiggle,
-But this one would come if you kissed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Brabant
-Who slept with an impotent savant.
- She admitted, "We shouldn't,
- But it turned out he couldn't-
-So you can't say we have when we haven't."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bude
-Who walked down the street in the nude.
- A bobby said, "Whattum
- Magnificent bottom!"
-And slapped it as hard as he could.
-%
-There was a young lady of Carmia
-Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
- At every cold snap
- She would climb in your lab,
-So her little base burner could warm ya.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Who went down to the river to pee.
- A man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt,
-And God! how I wish it were me.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Whose hymen was split into three.
- And when she was diddled
- The middle string fiddled :
-"Nearer My God To Thee."
-%
-There was a young lady of Dexter
-Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
- For whenever they'd start
- He'd unfailingly fart
-With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dover
-Whose passion was such that it drove her
- To cry, when you came,
- "Oh dear! What a shame!
-Well, now we shall have to start over."
-%
-There was a young lady of Ealing
-And her lover before her was kneeling.
- Said she, "Dearest Jim,
- Take your hands off my quim;
-I much prefer fucking to feeling."
-%
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
- To her lover she said,
- As they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
-%
-There was a young lady of Fez
-Who was known to the public as "Jez."
- Jezebel was her name,
- Sucking cocks was the game
-She excelled at (so everyone says).
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump--
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
- She wasn't much hurt,
- But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester
-Whose friends they thought they had lost her
- Till they found on the grass
- The marks of her arse,
-And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Kent,
-Who admitted she knew what it meant
- When men asked her to dine,
- And plied her with wine,
-She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
-%
-There was a young lady of Lee
-Who scrambled up into a tree,
- When she got there
- Her arsehole was bare,
-And so was her C U N T.
-%
-There was a young lady of Lincoln
-Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
- So she had a prick lent her
- Which turned it magenta,
-This artful old lady of Lincoln.
-%
-There was a young lady of Natchez
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
- And she often said, "Shit!
- Why, I'd give either tit
-For a man with equipment that matches."
-
-There was a young fellow named Locke
-Who was born with a two-headed cock.
- When he'd fondle the thing
- It would rise up and sing
-An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-
-But whether these two ever met
-Has not been recorded as yet,
- Still, it would be diverting
- To see him inserting
-His whang while it sang a duet.
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young lady of Rhyll
-In an omnibus was taken ill,
- So she called the conductor,
- Who got in and fucked her,
-Which did more good than a pill.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who took down her pants on a train.
- There was a young porter
- Saw more than he orter,
-And asked her to do it again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
- They did it again
- And again and again,
-And again and again and again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Twickenham
-Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
- On her knees every day
- To God she would pray
-To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
- My little brown jug
- Has need of a plug" --
-And straightaway she started to peeling.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris,
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady who said,
-As her bridegroom got into the bed,
- "I'm tired of this stunt,
- That they do with one's cunt,
-You can get up my bottom instead."
-%
-There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accomodate a small punt.
- Her mother said, "Annie,
- It matches your fanny,
-Which never was that of a runt."
-%
-There was a young lady whose thighs,
-When spread showed a slit of such size,
- And so deep and so wide,
- You could play cards inside,
-Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young laundress named Wrangle
-Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
- "They may tickle my chin,"
- She said with a grin,
-"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
-%
-There was a young maiden from Osset
-Whose quim was nine inches across it.
- Said a young man named Tong,
- With tool nine inches long,
-"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
-%
-There was a young man from Bear Ridge
-Who had strange ideas about marriage.
- He fucked his wife's mother
- And sucked off her brother
-And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man from Bengal
-Who claimed he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Pulled down this man's breeches
-And proved he had nothing at all.
-%
-There was a young man from Biloxi
-Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
- Drinking glass after glass,
- He would tune up his ass,
-Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
-%
-There was a young man from Bombay
-Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
- But the heat of his prick
- Turned it into a brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
-There was a young man from Boston
-Who rode around in an Austin.
- There was room for his ass
- And a gallon of gas,
-But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
-%
-There was a young man from Calcutta
-Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
- "If her Bartholin glands
- Don't respond to my hands,
-I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
-%
-There was a young man from Dallas
-Who had an exceptional phallus.
- He couldn't find room
- In any girl's womb
-Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
-%
-There was a young man from Dundee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were quite horrid:
- All ass and no forehead,
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There was a young man from East Lizes
-Whose balls were of two different sizes
- One was so small
- It was no ball at all
-The other was large and won prizes.
-%
-There was a young man from East Wubley
-Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
- Each quadruplicate shaft
- Had two balls hanging aft,
-And the general effect was quite lovely.
-
-There was a young man from Hong Kong
-Who had a trifurcated prong:
- A small one for sucking,
- A large one for fucking,
-And a `boney' for beating a gong.
-%
-There was a young man from Glengozzle
-Who found a remarkable fossil.
- He knew by the bend
- And the wart on the end,
-'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There was a young man from Jodhpur
-Who found he could easily cure
- His dread diabetes
- By eating a foetus
-Served up in a sauce of manure.
-%
-There was a young man from Kent
-Whose tool was so long that it bent.
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young man from Lynn
-Whose cock was the size of a pin.
- Said his girl with a laugh
- As she felt his staff,
-"This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There was a young man from Maine
-Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
- It was almost as long,
- So he strolled with his dong
-Extended in sunshine and rain.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- But he looked in the glass,
- And saw his own ass,
-And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin,
- While wiping his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
-%
-There was a young man from New Haven
-Who had an affair with a raven.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"Nevermore!"
-%
-There was a young man from Peru,
-Who took a long trip by canoe.
- While staring at Venus,
- And rubbing his penis,
-He wound up with a handful of goo.
-%
-There was a young man from Purdue
-Who was only just learning to screw,
- But he hadn't the knack,
- And he got too far back --
-In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
-%
-There was a young man from Racine
-Who invented a fucking machine.
- Concave or convex,
- It served either sex,
-But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
-%
-There was a young man from Rangoon
-Who used to lament 'neath the moon
- That he had the luck
- To be born of a fuck
-That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-%
-There was a young man from Salinas
-Who had an extremely long penis:
- Believe it or not,
- When he lay on his cot
-It reached from Marin to Martinez.
-%
-There was a young man from Seattle
-Whose testicles tended to rattle.
- He said as he fuck-ed
- Some stones in a bucket,
-"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
-%
-There was a young man from Siam
-Who said, "I go in with a wham,
- But I soon lose my starch
- Like the mad month of March,
-And the lion comes out like a lamb."
-%
-There was a young man from St. Paul's
-Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
-That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-%
-There was a young man from Stamboul
-Who boasted so torrid a tool
- That each female crater
- Explored by this satyr
-Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
-%
-There was a young man from Tibet-
-And this is the strangest one yet-
- Whose tool was so long,
- So pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
-%
-There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
- At the height of their fever
- Her ass hit the lever
-And: yes, he has no banana.
-%
-There was a young man in Norway,
-Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
- But the air was so frigid
- It froze his cock rigid,
-And all he could come was frappe.
-%
-There was a young man in the choir
-Whose penis rose higher and higher,
- Till it reached such a height
- It was quite out of sight --
-But of course you know I'm a liar.
-%
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
- He lay with his feet
- Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
- He could stretch them and snap them,
- And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch
- So she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch,
- Yeah, she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Hughes
-Who swore off all kinds of booze.
- He said, "When I'm muddled
- My senses get fuddled,
-And I pass up too many screws."
-%
-There was a young man named Knute
-Who had warts all over his root.
- He put acid on these
- And now when he pees,
-He fingers the thing like a flute.
-%
-There was a young man named Laplace
-Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
- When they banged together
- They played "Stormy Weather"
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man named McNamiter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- But it wasn't the size
- Gave the girls a surprise,
-But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a young man named Rex
-Who really was small for his sex.
- When tried for exposure
- The judge's disclosure
-Was "de minimus non curat lex."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabel
-Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
- When they asked if his pleasure
- Was only half measure,
-He replied, "That is highly improbable."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabub
-Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
- But the pride of his life
- Were the tits of his wife --
-One real, and one India-rubber bub.
-%
-There was a young man of Arras
-Who stretched himself out on the grass,
- And with no little trouble,
- He bent himself double,
-And stuck his prick well up his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Australia
-Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
- He buggered a frog,
- Two mice and a dog,
-And a bishop in fullest regalia.
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
- I will suck, without charge,
- Any cock, if it's large.
-If it's small, I expect to be paid."
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who slept with a girl in the trade.
- She said to him, "Jack,
- Try the hole in the back;
-The front one is badly decayed."
-%
-There was a young man of Bengal
-Who swore he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Unbuttoned his britches,
-And found he had no balls at all.
-%
-There was a young man of Bombay
-Who buggered his dad once a day.
- He said, "I like, rather,
- Fucking my father --
-He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
-%
-There was a young man of Calcutta,
-Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
- When he got to c-u,
- A pious Hindoo
-Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of Coblenz
-Whose ballocks were simply immense:
- It took forty-four draymen,
- A priest and three laymen
-To carry them thither and thence.
-%
-There was a young man of Darjeeling
-Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
- In the electric light socket,
- He'd put it and rock it--
-Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- His tool when at ease,
- Hung down to his knees,
-Oh, what must it be when it rises!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes,
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- One was so small,
- It was nothing at all;
-The other took numerous prizes.
-%
-There was a young man of Dumfries
-Who said to his girl, "If you please,
- It would give me great bliss
- If, while playing with this,
-You would pay some attention to these!"
-%
-There was a young man of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- So long was his tool
- That it wound round a spool,
-And he let it out inach by inach.
-%
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
- Making love in a ditch
- To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum,
-The strength of whose balls was his doom.
- So strong was his shootin',
- The third law of Newton
-Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
- He not only fucked her,
- But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
-%
-There was a young man of Kildare
-Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
- The bannister broke,
- But he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man of Kutki
-Who could blink himself off with one eye.
- For a while though, he pined,
- When his organ declined
-To function, because of a stye.
-%
-There was a young man of Lahore
-Whose prick was one inch and no more.
- It was all right for key-holes
- And little girl's pee-holes,
-But not worth a damn with a whore.
-%
-There was a young man of Lake Placid
-Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
- When he wanted to sport
- He would have to resort
-To injections of sulphuric acid.
-%
-There was a young man of Madras
-Whose balls were constructed of brass.
- When jangled together
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Missouri
-Who fucked with a terrible fury.
- Till hauled into court
- For his beastial sport,
-And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-And Sue was the name of his gal.
- One day, north of Aden,
- He got his hard rod in,
-And came clear up Suez Canal.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
- Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
- Said he, "You be buggered!
-I like to fuck slow and I shall."
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Who let a girl play with his end.
- She took hold of Rover,
- And felt it all over,
-And it did what she didn't intend.
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
- "It's no use, my duck,
- Interrupting our fuck,
-For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
-%
-There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
-Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
- It was good for large whores,
- And for small dinosaurs,
-And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
-%
-There was a young man of Seattle
-Who bested a bull in a battle.
- With fire and gumption
- He assumed the bull's function,
-And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young man of Tibet
--- And this is the strangest one yet --
- His prick was so long,
- And so pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
-%
-There was a young man of Toulouse
-Who had a deficient prepuce,
- But the foreskin he lacked
- He made up in his sac;
-The result was, his balls were too loose.
-%
-There was a young man who appeared
-To his friends with a full growth of beard;
- They at once said, "Although
- We can't say why it's so,
-The effect is uncommonly weird."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady from Niger
+Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
+ They returned from the ride
+ With the lady inside,
+And the smile on the face of the tiger.
%
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
%
-There was a young man with a fiddle
-Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
- She replied, "Yes, I do,
- But prefer to with two --
-It's twice as much fun in the middle."
-%
-There was a young man with a prick
-Which into his wife he would stick
- Every morning and night
- If it stood up all right --
-Not a very remarkable trick.
-
-His wife had a nice little cunt:
-It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
- And with this she would fuck him,
- Though sometimes she'd suck him --
-A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
-%
-There was a young man with one foot
-Who had a very long root.
- If he used this peg
- As an extra leg
-Is a question exceedingly moot.
-%
-There was a young miss from Johore
-Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
- In a manner uncanny
- She'd wobble her fanny,
-And drain your nuts dry to the core.
-%
-There was a young monk from Siberia
-Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
- Till he did to a nun
- What shouldn't be done
-And made her a mother superia'.
-%
-There was a young monk from Tibet
-And this is the damnedest one yet
- His cock was so long
- And incredibly strong
-That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
-%
-There was a young monk in Siberia,
-Whose morals were very inferior,
- He jumped on a nun
- Which he shouldn't have done,
-And now she's a Mother Superior.
-%
-There was a young monk of Dundee
-Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
- He said, "Pax vobiscum,
- Now why won't the piss come?
-I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
-%
-There was a young parson of Harwich,
-Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
- She said, "No, you young goose,
- Just try self-abuse.
-And the other we'll try after marriage."
-%
-There was a young peasant named Gorse
-Who fell madly in love with his horse.
- Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
- That horse is a stallion --
-This constitutes grounds for divorce."
-%
-There was a young person of Kent
-Who was famous wherever he went.
- All the way through a fuck,
- He would quack like a duck,
-And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
-%
-There was a young physicist named Fisk
-Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
- So quick was his action,
- The Lorentz Contraction
-Shortened his rod to a disc !!
-%
-There was a young plumber named Lee
-Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
- She said, "Stop your plumbing,
- There's somebody coming"
-Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
-%
-There was a young poet named Dan,
-Whose poetry never would scan.
- When told this was so,
- He said, "Yes, I know,
-It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
- Last line that I can."
-%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
-It's because I try to put every single
-syllable into the last line that I possibly,
-possibly can."
-%
-There was a young royal marine,
-Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
- When he reached the soprano
- Out came only guano
-And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
-%
-There was a young sailor from Brighton,
-Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
- She replied, "'Pon my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole;
-There's plenty of room in the right one."
-%
-There was a young sailor from Brighton
-Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
- She replied, "'Pon my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole
-There's plenty of room in the right'un."
-%
-There was a young sapphic named Anna
-Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
- Which she sucked, bit by bit,
- From her partner's warm slit,
-In the most approved lesbian manner.
-%
-There was a young Scot in Madrid
-Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
- When they said, "Are you faint?"
- He replied, "No, I ain't,
-But I don't feel as good as I did."
-%
-There was a young soldier from Munich
-Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
- And their chops girls would lick
- When they thought of his prick,
-But alas! he was only a eunuch.
-%
-There was a young sportsman named Peel
-Who went for a trip on his wheel;
- He pedalled for days
- Through crepuscular haze,
-And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
- -- Edward Gorey
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
%
-There was a young squaw of Wohunt
-Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
- It had many odd uses,
- Produced no papooses,
-And fitted both giant and runt.
-%
-There was a young student from Yale
-Who was getting his first piece of tail.
- He shoved in his pole,
- But in the wrong hole,
-And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
-%
-There was a young trollop at Yale,
-Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
- And on her behind,
- For the sake of the blind,
-A duplicate version in Braille.
-%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was a young woman called Pearl
-Who quite resembled a churl;
- When she asked a young man named Tex
- Whether he would like to have sex,
-"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
-%
-There was a young woman from Bude,
-Who went for a swim in the nude,
- But a man in a punt,
- Grabbed at her elbow,
-And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
-%
-There was a young woman in Dee
-Who stayed with each man she did see.
- When it came to a test
- She wished to be best,
-And practice makes perfect, you see.
-%
-There was a young woman named Alice
-Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
- She said, "I do this
- From a great need to piss,
-And not from sectarian malice."
-%
-There was a young woman named Ells
-Who was subject to curious spells
- When got up very oddly,
- She'd cry out things ungodly
-by the palms in expensive hotels.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Florence
-Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
- But they found her in bed
- With her cunt flaming red,
-And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
-%
-There was a young woman named Plunnery
-Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
- Till one day unobservant,
- She blew up a servant,
-And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Sutton
-Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
- "My father preferred
- The last sheep in the herd --
-This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
-%
-There was a young woman of Cheadle,
-Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
- Said she, "Does it itch?"
- "It does, you damned bitch,
-And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
-%
-There was a young woman of Condover
-Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
- Her pussy was juicy,
- Her arse soft and goosey,
-But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
-%
-There was a young woman of Croft
-Who played with herself in a loft,
- Having reasoned that candles
- Could never cause scandals,
-Besides which they did not go soft.
-
-Said another young woman of Croft,
-Amusing herself in the loft,
- "A salami or wurst
- Is what I'd choose first --
-With bologna you know you've been boffed."
-%
-There was a young woman, quite handsome,
-Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
- When she offered much gold
- For release, she was told
-That the view was worth more than the ransom.
-%
-There was a young woman whose stammer
-Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
- But they were not improved
- When her husband was moved
-To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was an old abbess quite shocked
-To find nuns where the candles were locked.
- Said the abbess, "You nuns
- Should behave more like guns,
-And never go off till you're cocked."
-%
-There was an old bishop from Buckingham
-Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
- His wife with distain
- Could scarcely restrain
-That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
-%
-There was an old count of Swoboda
-Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
- So, with great savoir-faire,
- She stood on a chair
-And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
-%
-There was an old curate of Hestion
-Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
- But so small was his tool
- He could scarce screw a spool,
-And a cunt was quite out of the question.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Art
-Who awoke with a horrible start,
- For down by his rump
- Was a generous lump
-Of what should have been just a fart.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Skinner
-Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
- But still, by and large,
- It would always discharge
-Once he could just get it in her.
-%
-There was an old feminine blighter
-Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
- She would cream her own pool
- While she sucked off his tool --
-How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
-%
-There was an old gent from Kentuck
-Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
- But he put it away
- For fear that one day
-He might put it in and get stuck.
-%
-There was an old girl of Kilkenny
-Whose usual charge was a penny.
- For half of that sum
- You could finger her bum--
-A source of amusement to many.
-%
-There was an old harlot from Dijon
-Who in her old age got religion.
- "When I'm dead & gone,"
- Said she, "I'll take on
-The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
-%
-There was an old hermit named Dave
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- He said "I'll admit
- I'm a bit of a shit,
-But look at the money I save."
-%
-There was an old lady of Bingly
-Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
- I thought I had got
- A bloke for my twat,
-But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
-%
-There was an old lady of Glascow,
-Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
- At nine-thirty, about,
- The lights all went out,
-Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
-%
-There was an old lady of Kewry
-Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
- The `introitus vaginae',
- Was unnaturally tiny,
-And the thought of it filled her with fury.
-%
-There was an old lady who lay
-With her legs wide apart in the hay,
- Then, calling the ploughman,
- She said, "Do it now, man!
-Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
-%
-There was an old maid from Cape Cod
-Who thought all good things came from god.
- But it wasn't the almighty
- Who lifted her nighty,
-It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
-%
-There was an old man from Bengal
-Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
- His favorite trick
- Was to stand on his dick
-While he rolled around on one ball.
-%
-There was an old man from Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose
- Or his fingers and toes
-And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
-%
-There was an old man from Fort Drum
-Whose son was incredibly dumb.
- When he urged him ahead,
- He went down instead,
-For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
-%
-There was an old man of Alsace
-Who played the trombone with his ass.
- He put in a trap
- To take out the crap,
-But the vapors corroded the brass.
-%
-There was an old man of Brienz
-The length of whose cock was immense:
- With one swerve he could plug
- A boy's bottom in Zug,
-And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
-%
-There was an old man of Cajon
-Who never could get a good bone.
- With the aid of a gland
- It grew simply grand;
-Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
-%
-There was an old man of Calcutta
-Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
- But all he could see
- Was his wife's bare knee,
-And the back of the bloke who was up her.
-%
-There was an old man of Connaught
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
-%
-There was an old man of Duddee
-Who came home as drunk as could be.
- He wound up the clock
- With the end of his cock,
-And buggered his wife with the key.
-%
-There was an old man of Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose
- And with fingers and toes,
-And he came through a hole in his tooth.
-%
-There was an old man of Hong Kong
-Who never did anything wrong.
- He would lie on his back
- With his head in a sack
-And secretly finger his dong.
-%
-There was an old man of St. Bees,
-Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
- When asked, "Does it hurt?"
- He relied, "No, it doesn't.
-I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
-%
-There was an old man of St. Bees,
-Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
- When asked, "Does it hurt?"
- He relied, "No, it doesn't.
-I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
- -- W.S. Gilbert
-%
-There was an old man of Tagore
-Whose tool was a yard long or more,
- So he wore the damn thing
- In a surgical sling
-To keep it from wiping the floor.
-%
-There was an Old Man of the Mountain
-Who frigged himself into a fountain
- Fifteen times had he spent,
- Still he wasn't content,
-He simply got tired of the counting.
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old man who said, "Tush!
-My balls always hang in the brush,
- And I fumble about,
- Half in and half out,
-With a pecker as limber as mush."
-%
-There was an old man with a beard
-Who said, "It is just what I feared!
- Two owls and a hen,
- Four larks and a wren
-Have all built their nests in my beard!"
-%
-There was an old person of Ware
-Who had an affair with a bear.
- He explained, "I don't mind,
- For it's gentle and kind,
-But I wish it had slightly less hair."
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates
- He fell on his cutlass
- Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
-There was an old satyr named Mack
-Whose prick had a left handed tack.
- If the ladies he loves
- Don't spin when he shoves,
-Their cervixes frequently crack.
-%
-There was an old Scot named McTavish
-Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
- The object of rape
- Was the wrong sex of ape,
-And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
-%
-There was an old whore from Silesia
-Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
- For a slight extra sum
- You can go up my bum
-But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
-%
-There was an old whore in the Azores
-Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
- Why the dogs in the street
- Wouldn't eat the green meat
-That hung in festoons from her drawers.
-%
-There was an old woman of Ghent
-Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
- She got fucked so often
- At last she got rotten,
-And didn't she stink when she spent.
-%
-There was once a mechanic named Bench
-Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
- With this vibrant device
- He could reach, in a trice,
-The innermost parts of a wench.
-%
-There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife--
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is, they all do it well.
-%
-There were three ladies of Huxham,
-And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
- And when that game grows stale
- We sits on a rail,
-And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
-%
-There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
-And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And tickled the cock
-Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
-
-Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
-He'd been to a good public school,
- So he took down their britches
- And buggered those bitches
-With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
-
-Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
-And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
- "The vicar is quicker
- And thicker and slicker,
-And longer and stronger than you."
- -- Abuses of the Clergy
-%
-There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
-Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
- It's deep and it's wide,
- -- You can curl up inside
-With a nice easy chair and a book.
-%
-There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
-Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
- But now--it's appallin'--
- My balls always fall in!
-I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
-%
-There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
-Whose manners are odd and demanding.
- It's one of her jests
- To suck off her guests --
-She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
-%
-There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
-Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
- But her cunt's got a pucker
- That's best not to fuck, or
-When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
-%
-There's a rather odd couple in Herts
-Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
- Their sex is in doubt
- For they're never without
-Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
-Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
- In the shell Sue is great,
- But her boyfriend's irate,
-When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
-%
-There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
-By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
- In her striving to please,
- She serves ale on her knees,
-So the patrons get head with their draft.
-%
-There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
-Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
- The seniors go round
- Hanging down to the ground,
-And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
-%
-There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
-Since his shocking perversions are various...
- He will bugger some lad
- With a dildo (the cad!)
-While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
-%
-There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
-Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
- When one pireg is shot,
- There's that alternate twat,
-But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
-%
-There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
-Who insists on a dozen a night.
- A fellow named Cheddar
- Had the brashness to wed her-
-His chance of survival is slight.
-%
-There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
-Exceedingly hard to get onto,
- But when you get there,
- And have parted the hair,
-You can fuck her as much as you want to.
-%
-They had come in the fugue to the stretto
-When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
- Slipped forward and grabbed
- Her tresses and stabbed
-Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
-Was to do what man normally does,
- She declared, "I'm a Soul-
- Not a sexual goal!"
-So he shrugged and called someone who was.
-%
-Though most of the crewmen are whites,
-Uhura has full equal rights.
- Her crewmates, you see,
- Love De-mo-cra-cy,
-And the way that she fills out her tights.
-%
-Though the invalid Saint of Brac
-Lay all of his life on his back,
- His wife got her share,
- And the pilgrims now stare
-At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
-%
-'Tis a custom in Castellamare
-To fuck in the back of a lorry.
- The chassis and springs
- Are like woodwinds and strings
-In the midst of a musical soiree.
-%
-To a weepy young woman in Thrums
-Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
- Of allowing your tears
- To fall into my ears -
-I think they have rotted the drums."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
-Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
- He constructed a bed
- Out of tree trunks and said,
-"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
-%
-To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
-Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
- She replied, "Why, you fool,
- With your limp little tool
-It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
-%
-To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
-"I trust you will show some forbearance.
- My sexual habits
- I picked up from rabbits,
-And occasionally watching my parents."
-%
-To his bride said economist Fife :
-"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
- We will salvage and freeze
- To resemble goat's cheese,
-And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
-%
-To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Has the east tit the least bit
- The best of the west tit,
-Or is it the faulty perspective?"
-%
-To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Is your east tit the least bit
- The best of your west tit,
-Or is it a trick of perspective?"
-%
-To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
-As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
- "Your mother's behaviour
- Gave pain to Our Saviour,
-And that's why He made you a cripple."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Two anglers were fishing off Wight
-And his bobber was dipping all night.
- Murmured she, with a laugh,
- "It's ready to gaff,
-But don't break your rod which is light."
-
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-
-As two consular clerks in Madras
-Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
- "What a marvelous pole,"
- Said she, "but control
-Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
-%
-Two eager young men from Cawnpore
-Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
- But her partition split
- And the blood and the shit
-Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
-%
-Two roosters in one of our pens
-Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
- As they looked at their foreskins
- And wished they had more skins,
-They discovered they'd both become hens.
-%
-Under the spreading chestnut tree
-The village smith he sat,
- Amusing himself
- By abusing himself
-And catching the load in his hat.
-%
-Une joile epousetta a Tours
-Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
- Mais le mari disait, "Non!
- De trop n'est pas bon!
-Mon derriere exige du secours!"
-%
-Visas erat: huic geminarum
-Dispar modus testicularum:
- Minor haec nihili,
- Palma triplici,
-Jam fecerat altera clarum.
-%
-We dedicate this to the cunt,
-The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
- All hail to the twat,
- Willing, thrilling, and hot,
-That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
-%
-When I was a baby, my penis
-Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
- But now 'this as red
- As her nipples instead--
-All because of the feminie genus!
-%
-When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
-Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
- "Was he modest or vain?"
- "Was he regal or plain?"
-She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
-%
-When you fuck little Annie in Anza
-You get a great bossom bonanza:
- Sucking Annie's soft tits
- Makes her throw fifty fits,
-And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
-%
-While his duchess lay practically dead,
-The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
- "Can it be this is all?
- How puny! How small!
-Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
-While out on a date in his Fiat,
-The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
- As he bent down to seek,
- She let out a shriek:
-"That's not where it's likely to be at."
-%
-While spending the winter at Pau
-Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
- So the head-porter made her
- And the second-cook laid her;
-The waiters were all hanging low.
-%
-While Titian was mixing rose madder,
-His model reclined on a ladder.
- Her position to Titian
- Suggested coition,
-So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
-%
-While travelling in farthest Tibet,
-Lord Irongate found cause to regret
- The buttered-up tea,
- A pain in his knee,
-And the frivolous tourists he met.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Winter is here with his grouch,
-The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
- You can't take your women
- Canoein' or swimmin',
-But a lot can be done on a couch.
-%
-With his penis in turgid erection,
-And aimed at woman's mid-section,
- Man looks most uncouth
- In that Moment of Truth,
-But she sheathes it with loving affection.
-%
-You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
-But dependent on men you must be:
- You'll need a him
- With a rod firm and trim,
-To puggle your water-drains free!
-%
-Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
-To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
- If you'll come to my palace,
- I'll finger your phallus,
-And then I shall blow on your flute."
-%
-You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
-Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
- He buggers the choir
- As they sing "Ave Maria,"
-And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+ It chewed up its cards
+ And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
%
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff