69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
- But another, more sane,
- Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
to the top.
%
%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
- And the cube of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call..
-%
-"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
+A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
-scruples and the police."
+scruples and the police.
-- Mr. Dooley
%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
- She let herself go
- For an hour or so
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
%
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
%
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They make love the whole day
- In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
- While this worthy had fits
- The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
- Said, "Heavens above!
- I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A widow who fancied a man some
-Was diddled three times in a hansome.
- When she clamored for more
- Her young man became sore
-And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-%
-"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
-drawers."
+A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
+drawers.
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%
-"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
-Western science."
+Western science.
-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection --
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
%
And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
-and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
%
Anxiety, n.:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-- Joseph C. Wang
%
-"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
+Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
-enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
+enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
-"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
- (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
+ (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
H's Dictum:
- There is no magic ...
+ There is no magic...
%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-- Ansel Adams
%
-"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
+Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically. But the designations may be good business for war
veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
-bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
+bled it all they could consequently. And why not?
-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
... Seats 500.
%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
-"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
+Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%
-"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous ..."
+Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous ...
-- Robert Benchley
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
-"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
+Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain
%
- "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+ God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
merriment.
- "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
+ Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
which is applied BULLSHIT
%
"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
-I new that Santa would never lie.
+I knew that Santa would never lie.
%
-"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
+God is big, so don't fuck with him.
%
-God isn't dead -- he's been busted
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
%
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
%
-Grain grows best in shit
+Grain grows best in shit.
-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R. E. Masters
%
-"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
- Her husband said, "Vi,
- When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_\bH_\bA_\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
hands.
%
-"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
+He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
it because the court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
-"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
* Governmental offices
* Banks
* Parts of Palm Beach
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
%
-"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
+How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
-lucky to escape with our skins!"
+lucky to escape with our skins!
%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-- John Valby
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
I am an atheist, thank God!
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
-once was ... an arctic wilderness
+once was ... an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up
+I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
- Now I know the perfection
- Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-"I own my own body, but I share"
+I own my own body, but I share.
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
%
-"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
-watch him have another."
+I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
+watch him have another.
%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
-"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
+If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
-corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
+corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
-- S. J. Perelman
%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%
-"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
-apostles."
+If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
+apostles.
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%
%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
%
-"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
-buzz-saw."
+If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
+buzz-saw.
-- W. C. Fields
%
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-- Robert Burton
%
-"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
-reality at any point."
+In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
+reality at any point.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
%
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
- He chuckled with mirth,
- For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
Incest, n.:
Sibling revelry.
%
-"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
-someone writes `bible thumpers?'
+Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time
+someone writes "bible thumpers?"
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
-- Frank Zappa
%
-"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
+It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
-lies."
+lies.
-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
%
-"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!
-- Daniel Hinojosa
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
Missionary Position:
The missionary on top.
%
-"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
-boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
+Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
+boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
%
-"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
+My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
-drunk or sober."
+drunk or sober.
-- G. K. Chesterton
%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
she will or will not be a mother.
-- Margaret H. Sanger
%
-"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
+Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-- Woody Allen
%
Nothing is better than Sex.
%
Occident, n.:
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
-is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ocean, n.:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
man -- who has no gills.
%
-Once a young gay from Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
- They argued all night
- Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
%
-"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
+One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
-resources and our taxes."
+resources and our taxes.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
-"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%
Overheard in a bar:
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
-- Norman Cousins
%
-Physicists do it with charm
+Physicists do it with charm.
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
by lightning first.
%
-Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
+Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
backyard?
A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
%
A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
%
Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
-A: A cheese grater
+A: A cheese grater.
%
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other!
%
-"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
Randel, n.:
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
%
-Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt either
+Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt either.
%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
- But a fullback from State
- Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
- Let _\bV be virginity
- Approaching infinity;
-Let _\bP be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let _\bV over _\bP be inverted
-With the square root of _\bM_\bu inserted
- _\bN times into _\bV ...
- The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
forgets?
%
-"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
-am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
+Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
+am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
-"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
-at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
+The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
+at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
-- Dave Barry
%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
- Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
%
-"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
-curiosity."
+The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
+curiosity.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
-ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
-The United States Army;
+The United States Army:
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
%
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
%
-"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+The voters have spoken, the bastards...
%
-"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
+The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
%
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%
%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%
-"There is a God, but He drinks"
+There is a God, but He drinks.
-- Blore
%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used Library Paste,
-Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen
- So he built him some chicks
- Of silicon chips
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
- Concave and convex
- It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh,
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- It was not the size
- That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a "k".
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- At least so I thought
- Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch,
- And she threw the switch,
-As Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young whore from kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
- He fell on his cutlass
- Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
personal to various situations.
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
+in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
%
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
%
-"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
-name."
+Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
+name.
-- Gore Vidal
%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
-"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that melt, the claws that and through
catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
- 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+ 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
-"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
-opposite."
+Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
+opposite.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
%
War is menstruation envy.
%
-"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
+Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
-- W. C. Fields
%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%
-"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
-hand."
+We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt
%
We have reason to believe that man first
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-- Charles Merrill Smith
%
-"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
-can't happen."
+When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
+can't happen.
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
-"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
horses?
Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
problem down the hall?
%
-"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
+Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
-"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
+You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
-as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
+as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
-- Ronald Reagan
%
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
basket.
%
-"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
-to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
+You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
+to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
+%
+ ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
+those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
+and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
+ Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+ But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
git.ckatri.com / bsdgames-darwin.git / blobdiff