+"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
+"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
+ You have made much fine verse on
+ Each part of my person,
+Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
+%
+"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
+Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
+ "Since dating Miss Baugh,
+ My whole tongue has been raw--
+It must have been something I ate."
+%
+"I do love a lay every day,
+So whenever you're coming this way
+ Just phone in advance
+ And I'll jerk off my pants,
+And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
+%
+"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
+"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
+ He pulled it on out,
+ But she started to pout,
+His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
+%
+"The testes are cooler outside,"
+Said the doc to the curious bride,
+ "For the semen must no
+ Get too fucking hot,
+And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+%
+"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
+"And told my wife to try it on top.
+ She bounced for an hour,
+ Till she ran out of power,
+And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+%
+'Tis a custom in Castellamare
+To fuck in the back of a lorry.
+ The chassis and springs
+ Are like woodwinds and strings
+In the midst of a musical soiree.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+ It was no good for girls
+ But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
+Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
+ When he popped her cherry,
+ She made things hairy
+By bleeding all over his face.
+%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
- And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+ And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
%
+A clergical student named Simms
+Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
+ A nice piece of ass
+ Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
+All the others get Anglican hymns.
+%
A clerical student named Pryne
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
He wore a hair shirt,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
- It was no good for girls
- But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
It was good for keyholes
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
She blew her vagina
In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+ But a dropout from paree
+ Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
Wore the foreskin away
And neglecting his cock,
And using it merely for pissin'.
%
-A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
-Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
- When he popped her cherry,
- She made things hairy
-By bleeding all over his face.
-%
A frustrated lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
- With maniacal howls,
- He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
%
-A lad, at his first copulation,
-Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
- Gyration, elation
- Throughout the duration,
-I guess I'll give up masturbation."
-%
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
By solving equations,
(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
%
+A lad, at his first copulation,
+Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
+ Gyration, elation
+ Throughout the duration,
+I guess I'll give up masturbation."
+%
A lady born under a curse
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
From the back she would wail
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-A lady, while dining in Crewe,
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout
- Or wave it about
-Or the others will ask for one, too."
-%
A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
"I don't mind my shins
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
%
+A lady, while dining in Crewe,
+Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
+ Said the waiter, "Don't shout
+ Or wave it about
+Or the others will ask for one, too."
+%
A lass at the foot of her class
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
She replied, "With no fuss
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
-A newlywed couple from Goshen
-Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
- In twenty-eight days
- They got laid eighty ways --
-Imagine such fucking devotion!
-%
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
His wife was in bed
Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
%
+A newlywed couple from Goshen
+Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
+ In twenty-eight days
+ They got laid eighty ways --
+Imagine such fucking devotion!
+%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
Reads the sign o'er the head
And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
%
+A potter who lived in Bombay
+Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
+ But the heat of his prick
+ Kilned the damn thing to brick
+And chafed all his foreskin away.
+%
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, "No!
Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
%
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
- My secret's aversion,
- To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
- -- W.J. Wilson
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+ They were graded and spaced
+ So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
%
A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
%
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They make love the whole day
- In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"
%
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+A trapper named Francois Lefevre
+Once captured and buggered a beaver.
The result of this fuck
Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+A canoe, and an Irish retriever.
%
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%
+A young Juliet of St. Louis
+On a balcony stood acting screwy.
+ Her Romeo climbed,
+ But he wasn't well timed,
+And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
+%
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia :
"Though the system seems odd,
By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
%
-A young Juliet of St. Louis
-On a balcony stood acting screwy.
- Her Romeo climbed,
- But he wasn't well timed,
-And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
-%
A young lad named Lester McGraw
Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
As he watched him stick her
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
%
+A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
+While bent over plucking a dingle
+ Had the whole of Eisteddfod
+ Taking turns at his pod
+While they sang some impossible jingle.
+%
A young man of acumen and daring,
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
Was left quite alone
That their use at his board was unsparing.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
- Had the whole of Eisteddfod
- Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
%
+Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
+The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
+ Her figurehead They filled his ass,
+ A whore in bed, With broken glass,
+Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
+
+The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
+And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
+ Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
+ Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
+And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
+
+The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
+And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
+ When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
+ And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
+Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
+%
According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
%
+An AI researcher named Bluth
+Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
+ Eroticon VI,
+ Which he taught certain tricks
+Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
+%
+An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
+Had a fetish involving the net.
+ As he fondled his IMP
+ His cock went from limp
+To as hard as concrete which has set.
+%
+An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
+ Women are fine
+ And sheep are divine
+But llamas are numero uno."
+%
+An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
+Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
+ Used on Saturday nights
+ To turn down the lights,
+And chase them around with a bludgeon.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
But while shooting his load
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
%
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
- Eroticon VI,
- Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
%
+An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
+Saw sartorial changes ahead.
+ His mind kept on ringing
+ With fishy girls singing;
+Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
+ -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
To be wooed in the nude,
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
%
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
- Women are fine
- And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
- As he fondled his IMP
- His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
%
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
- Used on Saturday nights
- To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
It was small consolation
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%
+And let me the canakin clink, clink;
+and let me the canakin clink.
+ A soldier's a man;
+ O, man's life's but a span,
+Why then, let a soldier drink.
+%
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the eastertide sun?"
His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
%
+At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
+Though of love we are never penurious.
+ Thanks to vulcanized aids,
+ Though we may die old maids,
+At least we shall never die curious.
+%
At a contest for farting in Butte
One lady's exertion was cute :
It won the diploma
Through the skirt of her dress
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
%
+At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
+Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
+ It beats all night long
+ A dirge on a gong
+As it staggers about in the creepers.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
At the end of all civilization
Is the planet Terminus's location.
There's a girl there whose feat,
`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
%
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
- It beats all night long
- A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
- Thanks to vulcanized aids,
- Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
At whist drives and strawberry teas
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
But when she was alone
On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
%
+Coitus upon a cadaver
+Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
+ Her inanimate state
+ Means a man needn't wait,
+And eliminates all the palaver.
+%
+Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
+I know - you don't have to say that!
+ All you guys want of me
+ Is a poke where I pee,
+And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
+%
+Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
+Homo qui aedificabat.
+ Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
+ Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
+Sed virginem pine necebat.
+%
+Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
+Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
+ She went down on the gents,
+ And pronged the girl's vents
+With a clitoris reaching six inches.
+%
+De Hispanice puella verumque
+Simplex oris verborumque
+ Tulit potens vagina
+ Hominum agmina
+Iterum iterum iterumque.
+%
+Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
+He was blown down the street by a rocket.
+ The force of the blast
+ Blew his balls up his ass,
+And his pecker was found in his pocket.
+%
+DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
+Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
+ And by planned obsolescence,
+ So controlled detumescence,
+A poor man could not get a smell.
+%
Each Friday his engines abort,
But Scotty is never caught short.
He fills his machines
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
- Said the rector, "My gracious,
- Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
+Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
+ Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
+ Ich hore Mann kommen."
+"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
+%
+Ethnologists up with the Sioux
+Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
+ The answer next day,
+ Said, "Girls on the way,
+But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
+%
+Exuberant Sue from Anjou
+Found that fucking affected her hue.
+ She presented to sight
+ Nipples pink, bottom white;
+But her asshole was purple and blue.
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the Mobius strip;
+ The strip revolved,
+ The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+Fond of equestrians, Mabel
+Looked for true love in the stable.
+ But she found the studs,
+ For her were all duds,
+Now she's out with the leg of a table.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+ But the one remedy
+ For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+ But the one remedy
+ For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news;
But nobody seems to know whose.
-- Edward Gorey
%
+From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
+Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
+ Said the rector, "My gracious,
+ Has Father Ignatius
+Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+%
From the bathing machine came a din
As of jollification within;
It was heard far and wide,
Had a definite flavour of gin.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
- "Since dating Miss Baugh,
- My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
+Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
+It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
+ It makes you sick, it makes you well,
+ It turns your spine to fucking jell,
+It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
%
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
- It's the best part of valor
- To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
+God's plan had a great beginning,
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning
+ We trust that the story
+ Will end in God's glory
+But at present the other side's winning.
%
-In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam,
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
+God's plan made a hopeful beginning
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
+ We trust that the story
+ Will end in God's glory
+But at present, the other side's winning.
%
-In the little French town of Le'Beau,
-Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
- At a masquerade ball,
- Clad in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker house roll.
+Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
+Who came to Rumania's rescue?
+ It's a wonderful thing
+ To be under a king--
+Is democracy better, I esk you?
%
-It always delights me at Hank's
-To walk up the old river banks.
- One time in the grass
- I stepped on an ass,
-And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
+Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
+Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
+ Some people say,
+ Love finds a way,
+But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
%
-It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
-Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
- They sat in her Bentley,
- She fondled him gently,
-And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
+Have you heard of the lady named Cox
+Who had a capacious old box?
+ When her lover was in place
+ She said, "Please turn your face.
+I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
%
-The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
-No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
- Where ten thousand virgins
- Succumbed to his urgin's
-There now stands the great State of Utah.
+Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
+And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
+ How they lift the frock
+ And tickle the cock
+Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
%
-The latest reports from Good Hope
-State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
- And fuck high, wide, and free,
- From the top of one tree
-To the top of the next -- what a scope!
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+ Her husband said, "Vi,
+ When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
- Once Congress in session,
- Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
+He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
+Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
+ Then his gargantuan pole in
+ Her pink, tight, and swollen
+Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
+Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
+Could rotate his pecker, and then
+ He would shoot through his rear
+ Which made him dear
+Of the girls, and the envy of men.
%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
- He knew from its bend
- And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
+Had morals the city might soften.
+ So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
+ Are you living in sin?"
+Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
%
-There a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of orgasm
- Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
+His shy bride admitted to Crandall
+That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
+ But a cock like his dick
+ Gave her ten times the kick,
+Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
%
-There once was a bishop from Birmingham
-Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
- As they knelt on the hassock
- He lifted his cassock
-And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
+I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
+Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
+ I replied, "Simple shagging
+ Without any wagging
+Is only for screwing canoeing."
%
-There once was a boy named Carruthers
-Who was busily fucking his mother
- "I know it's a sin,"
- He said, shoving it in,
-"But it's better than blowing my brother."
+I met a young man in Chungking
+Who had a very long thing --
+ But you'll guess my surprise
+ When I found that its size
+Just measured a third-finger ring!
%
-There once was a chick named Longet,
-Who went out to Aspen to play.
- Along came a Spyder,
- Who sat down beside her
-And she blew the poor bastard away.
+I never had Miss Defauw,
+But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
+ If she'd only said "No"
+ When I wanted her so;
+But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%
-There once was a clergyman's daughter
-Who detested the pony he bought her,
- Till she found that its dong
- Was as hard and as long
-As the prayers her father had taught her.
-
-She married a fellow named Tony
-Who soon found her fucking the pony.
- Said he, "What's it got,
- My dear, that I've not?"
-Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used library paste,
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelly
-Who walked around belly-to-belly.
- It seems in their haste,
- They used Carter's paste
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a dentist named Stone
-Who saw all his patients alone.
- In a fit of depravity
- He filled the wrong cavity,
-And my, how his practice has grown!
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
- Said the potted old Duke :
- "Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
- Said the king to this dame
- As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
-There once was a fairy named Avers
-Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
- Though buggers all claimed
- That their asses were maimed,
-Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Bob
-Who in sexual ways was a snob.
- One day he was swimmin'
- With twelve naked women
-And deserted them all for a gob.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Brewster
-Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
- "It used to be grand
- But look at my hand
-You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Howard,
-Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
- While grabbing some ass,
- He reached critical mass,
-But think of the girl he deflowered!
-%
-There once was a fellow named Potts
-Who was prone to having the trots
- But his humble abode
- Was without a commode
-So his carpet was covered with spots.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Siegel
-Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
- But the mettlesome bitch
- Turned and said with a twitch,
-"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Sweeney
-Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
- Not being uncouth,
- He added vermouth
-And slipped his amour a martini.
-%
-There once was a fencer named Fisk,
-Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
- So fast was his action,
- The Fitzgerald contraction,
-Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a floozie named Annie
-Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
- A buck for a fuck,
- Fifty cents for a suck,
-And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
- He was caught by G-men
- Shooting his semen
-Where the cops would slip and fall down.
-%
-There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
-Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
- Sheep are just fine,
- Chickens, divine,
-But iguanas are Numero Uno."
-%
-There once was a gay young Parisian
-Who screwed an appendix incision,
- And the girl of his choice
- Could hardly rejoice
-At the horrible lack of precision.
-%
-There once was a girl from Cornell
-Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
- When you touched them they shrunk,
- Except when she was drunk,
-And then they got bigger than hell.
-%
-There once was a girl from Decatur,
-Who got laid by a big alligator.
- Now nobody knew
- The result of that screw,
-'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- (As you bastards think)
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Spokane,
-Went to bed with a one-legged man.
- She said, "I know you--
- You've really got two!
-Why didn't you say so when we began?"
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
- But she started absorbin'
- A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a girl named Louise
-Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
- The crabs in her twat
- Tied the hairs in a knot
-And constructed a flying trapeze
-%
-There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
-Who was diddled amazingly often.
- She was rogered by scores
- Who'd been turned down by whores,
-And was finally screwed in her coffin.
-%
-There once was a girl named Priscilla
-Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
- The taste was so fine
- Man and beast stood in line
-(Including a stud armadilla).
-%
-There once was a girl so lovely,
-Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
- She strapped on her tanks,
- And started her pranks,
-But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
-%
-There once was a golfer named Leer,
-Who got put in the clink for a year,
- For an action obscene,
- On the very first green.
-Where the sign said "Enter course here."
-%
-There once was a gouty old colonel
-Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
- And he cried in his tiffin
- For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
-And the size of the thing was infernal.
-%
-There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
-Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
- But when I meet boys,
- God! how I enjoys
-Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
- So he built him some chicks,
- Of silicon chips,
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a handsome young seaman
-Who with ladies was really a demon.
- In peace or in war,
- At sea or on shore,
-He could certainly dish out the semen.
-%
-There once was a horny old bitch
-With a motorized self-frigger which
- She would use with delight
- All day long and all night -
-Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
-%
-There once was a horse named Lily
-Whose dingus was really a dilly.
- It was vaginoid duply,
- And labial quadruply --
-In fact, he was really a filly.
-%
-There once was a husky young Viking
-Whose sexual prowess was striking.
- Every time he got hot
- He would scour the twat
-Of some girl that might be to his liking.
-%
-There once was a jolly old bloke
-Who picked up a girl for a poke.
- He took down her pants,
- Fucked her into a trance,
-And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
-%
-There once was a kiddie named Carr
-Caught a man on top of his mar.
- As he saw him stick 'er,
- He said with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than par."
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a lady from Kansas
-Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
- It was nine inches deep
- And the sides were quite steep --
-It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
-%
-There once was a lady named Carter,
-Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
- She stripped off his pants,
- At his prick quickly glanced,
-And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
-%
-There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who posessed a magnificent pair.
- Or that's what I thought,
- Till I saw one get caught,
-On a thorn and begin losing air.
-%
-There once was a lady named Myrtle
-Who had an affair with a turtle.
- She had crabs, so they say,
- In a year and a day
-Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
-%
-There once was a lawyer named Rex
-With minuscule organs of sex.
- Arraigned for exposure,
- He maintained with composure,
-"De minimis non curat lex."
-
- [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
-%
-There once was a lifeguard named Lee
-Who rescued a girl from the sea
- She asked how to pay,
- And he said "Try this way,
-Go down for the third time on me."
-%
-There once was a maid from Mobile
-Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
- She only got thrills
- From pneumatic drills
-And an off-centered emery wheel.
-%
-There once was a man from Bombay
-He would do it all night and all day
- He soon became sore
- You shoulda' heard him roar
-When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
-%
-There once was a man from Calcutta
-Who used to beat off in the gutta
- The heat of the sun
- Affected his gun
-And turned all his cream into butta!
-%
-There once was a man from Dunoon,
-Who always ate soup with a fork.
- He said "When I eat
- Either fish, foul or flesh,
-I otherwise finish too quick."
-%
-There once was a man from Exameter
-Who had a prodigious diameter
- But it wasn't the size
- That brought forth the cries
-'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a man from Madras,
-Whose balls were made out of brass.
- When they clanged together,
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were most horrid
- All ass and no forehead
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
- His daughter, named Nan,
- Ran away with a man,
-And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
-
-The pair of them went to Manhasset,
-(Nan and the man with the asset.)
- Pa followed them there,
- But they left in a tear,
-And as for the asset, Manhasset.
-
-Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
-(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
- Pa said to the man,
- "You're welcome to Nan."
-But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"
-%
-There once was a man from Racine,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Both concave and convex,
- It could please either sex,
-But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-%
-There once was a man from Sandem
-Who was making his girl on a tandem.
- At the peak of the make
- She jammed on the brake
-And scattered his semen at random.
-%
-There once was a man from Sydney
-Who could put it up to her kidney.
- But the man from Quebec
- Put it up to her neck;
-He had a big one, now didn't he?
-%
-There once was a man named Lodge,
-who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- When his date was strapped in,
- He committed a sin,
-without ever leaving the garage.
-%
-There once was a man named McGruder,
-Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
- But the girl thought it crude,
- To be wooed in the nude,
-So McGru took an oar and subduder.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
- Just to be couth,
- He added vermouth,
-And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named Parridge
-With peculiar views on marriage.
- He sucked off his brother,
- Fucked his own mother,
-And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There once was a man with a hernia
-Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
- When you work on my middle
- Be sure you don't fiddle
-With things that do not concern ya."
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
- The sword that he used
- Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was a miner named Dave,
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- She was ugly as shit,
- And missing one tit,
-But think of the money he saves.
-%
-There once was a monk of Camyre
-Who was seized with a carnal desire
- And the primary cause
- Was the abbess's drawers
-Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-%
-There once was a newspaper vendor,
-A person of dubious gender.
- He would charge one-and-two
- For permission to view
-His remarkable double pudenda.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a pretty young Mrs.
-Whose tearful but short story thrs.
- Her mind lost its grasp -
- Now she thinks she's an asp
-And just sits in the corner and hrs.
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a reverend at Kings
-Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
- But his heart was on fire
- For a boy in the choir
-Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
-%
-There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife --
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is they all do it well."
-%
-There once was a sailor named Gasted,
-A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
- He could jerk himself off
- In a basket, aloft,
-Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- It was not the size
- That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
-Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
- Yet the girls he would dazzle,
- And fuck to a frazzle,
-And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
-%
-There once was a spaceman named Spock
-Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
- A girl from Missouri
- Whose name was Uhura
-Just fainted away from the shock.
-%
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
- The more he would screw
- The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
- He/she/it said with a nod,
- "My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
-There once was a whore from Regina
-Who had a stupendous vagina.
- To save herself time,
- She had six at a time,
-And another one working behind her.
-%
-There once was a woman from Arden
-Who sucked off a man in a garden.
- He said, "My dear Flo,
- Where does all that stuff go?"
-And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
-%
-There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
-Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
- But he lurked in the ditches
- And diddled the bitches
-Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
-%
-There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly,
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There once was a young girl from Natches
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches
- She often said, "Shit!
- I'd give either tit
-For a guy with equipment that matches."
-%
-There once was a young man from Boston
-Who drove around town in an Austin,
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
-So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
-%
-There once was a young man from France
-Who waited ten years for his chance;
-Then he muffed it...
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma
-Who attempted sex with a puma
- He gave up real quick
- Minus nose, toes, and prick
-In obvious pain and ill huma.
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma,
-Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
- Now his dry bleached bones lie,
- Under hot Asian skies,
-'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
-%
-There once was a young man named Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-And now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There once was a young man named Gene,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Concave and convex,
- It served either sex,
-And it played with itself inbetween.
-%
-There once was a young man named Lancelot
-Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
- For when he should pass
- A desirable lass
-The front of his pants would advance a lot.
-%
-There once was an Arpanet freak,
-Who better response-time did seek.
- He searched coast to coast,
- For a reliable host,
-Whose logger took less than a week.
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
- It at last grew so small,
- He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There once were two brothers named Luntz
-Who buggered each other at once.
- When asked to account
- For this intricate mount,
-They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
-%
-There once were two women from Birmingham.
-And this is the story concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And fondled the cock
-Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a family named Doe,
-An ideal family to know.
- As father screwed mother,
- She said, "You're heavier than brother."
-And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
-%
-There was a fat lady of China
-Who'd a really enormous vagina,
- And when she was dead
- They painted it red,
-And used it for docking a liner.
-%
-There was a fat man from Rangoon
-Whose prick was much like a ballon.
- He tried hard to ride her
- And when finally inside her
-She thought she was pregnant too soon.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
-%
-There was a gay dog from Ontario
-Who fancied himself a Lothario.
- At a wench's glance
- He'd snatch off his pants
-And make for her Mons Venerio.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Norton
-Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
- To make up for this loss,
- He had balls like a horse,
-And never spent less than a quartern.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Tooting
-Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
- Till he married a lass
- With a face like my arse,
-And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
-%
-There was a girl from Aberystwyth
-Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's son Jack
- Laid her flat on her back
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a lewd fellow named Duff
-Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
- With his head in a whirl
- He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
-I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
+I once had the wife of a Dean
+Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
+ She remarked with some gaiety,
+ "Not bad for the laiety,
+Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
%
-There was a man from Mich.
-Who used to wish and wich.
- That spring would come
- So he could bum
-Around and go out fich.
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+ Now I know the perfection
+ Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
-There was a pianist named Liszt
-Who played with one hand while he pissed,
- But as he grew older
- His technique grew bolder,
-And in concert jacked off with his fist.
+I once was annoyed by a queer
+Who made his intentions quite clear.
+ Said I, "I'm no prude,
+ So don't think me rude,
+But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
%
-There was a poor parson from Goring,
-Who made a small hole in his flooring,
- Fur-lined it all round,
- Then laid on the ground,
-And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+ But this walking around
+ Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
+ -- Gelett Burgess
%
-There was a strong man of Drumrig
-Who one day did seven times frig.
- He buggered three sailors,
- Four dogs and two tailors,
-And ended by fucking a pig.
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+ But this walking around
+ Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
+ -- Gelett Burgess
%
-There was a teenager named Donna
-Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
- Two days out of three
- She would shoot LSD,
-And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
+I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
+Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
+ I wonder can she tell
+ That I've been raising hell;
+Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
+
+My wife is just as nice as can be,
+I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
+ For an afternoon of joy,
+ Is hell on the old boy,
+I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
%
-There was a young belle of old Natchez
-Whose garments were always in patchez.
- When comment arose
- On the state of her clothes
-She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
+I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
+I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
+ She said it was crude
+ To be wooed in the nude--
+I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%
-There was a young blade from South Greece
-Whose bush did so greatly increase
- That before he could shack
- He must hunt needle in stack.
-'Twas as bad as being obese.
+I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
+I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
+ And in all my lewd life
+ I've met none like your wife,
+So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
%
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
- You say that I, maybe,
- Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
+I'd rather have fingers than toes,
+I'd rather have ears than a nose,
+ And a happy erection
+ Brought just to perfection
+Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
%
-There was a young bride of Antigua
-Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
- Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
- Why, you've only felt my twot,
-My legs and my arse and my figua!"
+If continence causes neurosis
+And intercourse causes thrombosis
+ I'd rather expire
+ Fulfilling desire
+Than live in a state of psychosis.
%
-There was a young chap in Arabia
-Who courted a widow named Fabia.
- "Yes, my tongue is as long
- As the average man's dong,"
-He said, licking the lips of her labia.
+If you're speaking of actions immoral
+The how about giving the laurel
+ To doughty Queen Esther,
+ No three men could best her --
+One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
%
-There was a young cook with the art
-Of making a delicious tart
- With a handful of shit,
- Some snot and some spit,
-And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
+If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
+Employ first-order predicate calculus.
+ With sufficient formality,
+ The sheerest banality,
+Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
%
-There was a young curate whose brain
-Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
- He lured a small child
- To a copse dark and wild,
-Where he beat it to death with his cane.
+Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
+D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
+ Il la mene chaque soir
+ A son caveau noir
+Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young damsel named Baker
-Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
- He yelled, "My God! what
- Do you call this -- a twat?
-Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
-%
-There was a young dolly named Molly
-Who thought that to frig was a folly.
- Said she, "Your pee-pee
- Means nothing to me,
-But I'll do it just to be jolly."
-%
-There was a young fellow called Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-So now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Cal.,
-In bed with a passionate gal.
- He leapt from the bed,
- To the toilet he sped;
-Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
+Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
+Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
+ Il dit:"quant a' moi,
+ Je deteste tous les trois,
+Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
%
-There was a young fellow from Florida
-Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
- When they got into bed
- He cried, "God strike me dead!
-This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
+Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
+Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
+ Dit-elle, "Arretez!
+ J'entends quelqu'un venait."
+Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
%
-There was a young fellow from Kent
-Whose cock was so long that it bent
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
+Il y avait une madame de Lahore
+Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
+ Mais la vagine tres forte,
+ Toujours ouverte la porte,
+Encore, et encore, et encore.
%
-There was a young fellow from Leeds
-Who swallowed a package of seeds.
- Great tufts of grass
- Sprouted out of his ass
-And his balls were all covered with weeds.
+In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
+Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
+ But this lubricant lapse
+ Isn't noticed, perhaps
+Because nobody does in Duluth.
%
-There was a young fellow from Parma
-Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
- Said the damsel demure,
- "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
-But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
+In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
+Was the first time I ever laid down,
+ I was both proud and shy
+ As he opened his fly
+And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
+
+Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
+As it went in I made not a sound,
+ The more that he shoved it
+ The more that I loved it,
+As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
%
-There was a young fellow name Tucker
-Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
- Said, "Don't bow out your lips
- Like an elephant's hips,
-The boys like it best when they pucker."
+In my sweet little night gown of blue,
+On the first night that I slept with you,
+ I was both shy and scared
+ As the bed was prepared,
+And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
+
+As we both watched the break of day,
+And in peaceful submission I lay,
+ You said you adored it
+ But dammit, you tore it,
+My sweet little night gown of blue.
%
-There was a young fellow named Ades
-Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
- But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
- And the knot holes in doors
-Were by no means exempt from his raids.
+In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
+Complacently stroking his madam,
+ And loud was his mirth
+ For on all of the earth
+There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
%
-There was a young fellow named Babbitt
-Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
- But a girl from Johore
- Could do it twice more,
-Which was just enough extra to crab it.
+In the case of a lady named Frost,
+Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
+ It's the best part of valor
+ To bugger the gal, or
+You're apt to fall in and get lost.
%
-There was a young fellow named Bill,
-Who took an atomic pill,
- His navel corroded,
- His asshole exploded,
-And they found his nuts in Brazil.
+In the little French town of Le'Beau,
+Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
+ At a masquerade ball,
+ Clad in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker house roll.
%
-There was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
+It always delights me at Hank's
+To walk up the old river banks.
+ One time in the grass
+ I stepped on an ass,
+And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
+It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
+Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
+ They sat in her Bentley,
+ She fondled him gently,
+And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
%
-There was a young fellow named Bowen
-Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
- It grew so tremendous,
- So long and so pendulous,
-'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
+It takes little strain and no art
+To bang out an echoing fart.
+ The reaction is hearty
+ When you fart at a party,
+But the sensitive persons depart.
%
-There was a young fellow named Brewer
-Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
- Thus he, the poor soul,
- Could get into her hole,
-And still not be able to screw her!
+Love letters no longer they write us,
+To their homes they so seldom invite us.
+ It grieves me to say,
+ They have learned with dismay,
+We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%
-There was a young fellow named Case
-Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
- He licked his way clean
- Through Number thirteen,
-But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
+Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
+She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
+ If you want to get laid,
+ Then we'll have to tribade!"
+(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
%
-There was a young fellow named Charteris
-Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
- Said she, "I don't mind,
- And higher up you'll find
-The place where my fucker and farter is."
+McCoy's a seducer galore,
+And of virgins he has quite a score.
+ He tells them, "My dear,
+ You're the Final Frontier,
+Where man never has gone before."
%
-There was a young fellow named Cribbs
-Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
- They were inches apart,
- And to suck it took art,
-While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
+Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
+Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
+ When he's under the weather
+ They can't get together,
+So others get into her box.
%
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
- It was shaped like a prism
- And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
+My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+ I'm covered with sweat,
+ And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+ -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
%
-There was a young fellow named Feeney
-Whose girl was a terrible meany.
- The hatch of her snatch
- Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+Oden the bardling averred
+His muse was the bum of a bird,
+ And his Lesbian wife
+ Would finger his fife
+While Fisherwood waited as third.
%
-There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
-Was reputed an infamous lecher.
- When he'd take on a whore
- She'd need a rebore,
-And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
+Of his face she thought not very much,
+But then, at the very first touch,
+ Her attitude shifted --
+ He was terribly gifted
+At frigging and fucking and such.
%
-There was a young fellow named Fyfe
-Whose marriage was ruined for life,
- For he had an aversion
- To every perversion,
-And only liked fucking his wife.
-
-Well, one year the poor woman struck,
-And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
- And said, "Where have you gotten us
- With your goddamn monotonous
-Fuck after fuck after fuck?
-
-"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
-And a versatile girl she was, too.
- After ten years of whoredom
- She perished of boredom
-When she married a jackass like you!"
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+ Seems the puma, in play,
+ Tore his testes away -
+- An example of animal huma.
%
-There was a young fellow named Gene
-Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
- He next picked his toes,
- And lastly his nose,
-And he never did wash in between.
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+ Seems the puma, in play,
+ Tore his testes away --
+An example of animal huma.
%
-There was a young fellow named Gluck
-Who found himself shit out of luck.
- Though he petted and wooed,
- When he tried to get screwed
-He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
+Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
+Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
+ The poor wench doth stammer,
+ "I need a sledgehammer
+To pound a man into my vent."
%
-There was a young fellow named Goody
-Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
- If he found himself nude
- With a gal in the mood
-The question's not woody but could he?
+On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
+Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
+ Not russian elite-
+ She's eager to eat
+Whatever or whoever lays her.
%
-There was a young fellow named Grant
-Who was made like the sensitive plant.
- When they asked "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could, but I can't."
+On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
+The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
+ "Aha!" said the mate,
+ "That settles the fate
+Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
%
-There was a young fellow named Grimes
-Who fucked his girl seventeen times
- In the course of a week --
- And this isn't to speak
-Of assorted venereal crimes.
+On day a Monterey daughter
+Did scuba down under the water.
+ She later turned up
+ The mom of a pup,
+And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
%
-There was a young fellow named Harry,
-Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
- He grabbed him a virgin,
- Who, without any urgin',
-Immediately spread like a fairy.
+On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
+Was tattooed the price of her tail
+ And on her behind,
+ For the sake of the blind,
+Was the same information in Braille.
+%
+On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
+His girl got a yen for fellatio.
+ As she sucked on his dingus
+ He tried cunnilingus
+But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
%
-There was a young fellow named Hatch
-Who was fond of the music of Bach.
- He said: "It's not fussy
- Like Brahms and Debussy;
-Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
+Once a young gay from Khartoum,
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+ They argued all night
+ Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%
-There was a young fellow named Kimble
-Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
- But fragile and slender,
- And dainty and tender,
-So he kept it encased in a thimble.
+Once was a hooker named Gail,
+Busted and sent-off to jail,
+ She liked the jailer,
+ He wanted to nail her,
+So Gail made bail with her tail.
%
-There was a young fellow named Meek
-Who invented a lingual technique.
- It drove women frantic,
- And made them romantic,
-And wore all the hair off his cheek.
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+ When asked what position
+ He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the loetus."
%
-There was a young fellow named Morgan
-Who possessed an unusual organ:
- The end of his dong,
- Which was nine inches long,
-Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+ When asked what position
+ He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the lotus."
%
-There was a young fellow named Paul
-Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
- But the size of my prick
- Is God's dirtiest trick,
-For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+ His enormous red whang
+ Gave her a wonderful bang --
+She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
%
-There was a young fellow named Pell
-Who didn't like cunt very well.
- He would finger or fuck one,
- But never would suck one--
-He just couldn't get used to the smell.
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+ Then she picked up his hat
+ And realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%
-There was a young fellow named Price
-Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
- He had virgins and boys
- And mechanical toys,
-And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
+Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
+Has invented a new kind of car.
+ With a tank full of shit
+ There's no stopping it --
+For short trips, two poots take you far.
%
-There was a young fellow named Prynne
-Whose prick was so short and so thin,
- His wife found she needed
- A Fuckoscope -- she did --
-To see if he'd gotten it in.
+Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
+Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
+ At her first sight of one
+ She started to run,
+And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
%
-There was a young fellow named Skinner
-Who took a young lady to dinner
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-At twenty to ten it was in her.
-The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
+Pour guerir un acces de fievre
+Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
+ Il le prit a son trou,
+ Et fit faire un ragout
+Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
+ Let V be virginity
+ Approaching infinity;
+Let P be a constant persuasion;
-There was a young fellow named Tupper
-Who took a young lady to supper.
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-And at twenty to ten it was up her.
-Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
+"Let V over P be inverted
+With the square root of Mu inserted
+ N times into V ...
+ The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
%
-There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
-Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
- The hatch of her snatch,
- Had a catch that would latch,
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
+Is leading me straight to perdition;
+ But I haven't the strength
+ To go to the length
+Of making an act of contrition."
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young fellow of Burma
-Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
- But now that he's married he's
- Been using cantharides
-And the root of their love is much firmer.
+Said President Jobcock one day :
+"War's better than love, I should say.
+ Instead of a virgin,
+ It's murder I'm urgin'--
+You get lots more blood that-a-way."
%
-There was a young fellow of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- He had such a tool
- It was wound on a spool,
-And he reeled it out inich by inich.
-
-But this tale has an unhappy finich,
-For due to the sand in the spinach
- His ballocks grew rough
- And wrecked his wife's muff,
-And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
+Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
+"The men like to spread my two legs,
+ Then slip in between,
+ If you know what I mean,
+And leave me the white of their eggs."
%
-There was a young fellow of Harrow
-Whose john was the size of a marrow.
- He said to his tart,
- "How's this for a start?
-My balls are outside in a barrow."
+Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
+"This has been a most wonderful day.
+ Three cherry tarts,
+ At least twenty farts,
+Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
%
-There was a young fellow of Kent
-Whose prick was so long that it bent,
- So to save himself trouble
- He put it in double,
-And instead of coming he went.
+Said a girl who upon her divan
+Was attacked by a virile young man:
+ "Such excess of passion
+ Is quite out of fashion"
+And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young fellow of Mayence
-Who fucked his own arse in defiance
- Not only of custom
- And morals, dad-bust him,
-But of most of the known laws of science.
+Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
+"What care I for this shortage of gum?
+ My favorite chew
+ Is a condom or two,
+With a goodly amount of fresh come."
%
-There was a young fellow of Perth
-Whose balls were the finest on earth.
- They grew to such size
- That one won a prize,
-And goodness knows what they were worth.
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+ But a fullback from State,
+ Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
%
-There was a young fellow of Strensall
-Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
- On the night of his wedding
- It went through the bedding,
-And shattered the chamber utensil.
+Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
+When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
+ "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
+ And tease it, and please it,
+For Rome wasn't built in a day."
%
-There was a young fellow of Warwick
-Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
- For he could by election
- Have triune erection:
-Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
+Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
+Of all the girls that I've had,
+ None gave me the thrill
+ Of real rapture until
+I learned how to be a tribade."
%
-There was a young fellow whose dong
-Was prodigiously massive and long.
- On each side of his whang
- Two testes did hang
-That attracted a curious throng.
+Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
+To a sailor just off of a barge,
+ "We have one girl that's dead,
+ With a hole in her head--
+Of course there's a slight extra charge."
%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
- A woman is fine,
- And a sheep is divine,
-But a llama is Numero Uno."
+Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
+I'm simply too shy and afraid
+ To take part in your pranks.
+ But to show you my thanks,
+I'd just love to become your first aide.
%
-There was a young gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
- Women are fine
- And children devine,
-But the llama is numero uno."
+Said a pornographistic young poet
+"Although I perhaps do not show it,
+ My interest in sin
+ Is wearing quite thin,
+And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
- Said he with a grin,
- "Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+ "Try as hard as I can,
+ I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
%
-There was a young girl from Annista
-Who dated a lecherous mister.
- He fondled her titty,
- Got one finger shitty,
-Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
+Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
+"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
+ Uhura said, "No,
+ At night that's not so--
+He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
%
-There was a young girl from Decatur
-Who was raped by an alligator.
- But no one quite knew
- How she relished that screw,
-For after he screwed her, he ate her.
+Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
+"Only infidel dogs put it in.
+ Back home in Arabia
+ We nibble the labia
+Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
%
-There was a young girl from Dundee,
-From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
- No one ate the nice fruit,
- To tell you the truth,
-Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
+Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
+"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
+ I replied with some wit,
+ "Do you belch when you shit?"
+I think that was one up for me.
%
-There was a young girl from East Lynn
-Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
- Had filled up her crack
- With hard-setting shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
+Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
+In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
+ "This nautch is delicious,
+ And without doubt nutritious.
+She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Who said, "You are utterly wrong
- To say my vagina
- Is the largest in China
-Just because of your mean little dong."
+Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
+"This must be our final adieu,
+ For the vicar is slicker,
+ And thicker, and quicker,
+And two inches longer than you."
%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+Saint Peter was once heard to boast
+That he'd had all the heavenly host :
+ The Father and Son,
+ And then - just for fun -
+The hole in the Holy Ghost.
%
-There was a young girl from Medina
-Who could completely control her vagina.
- She could twist it around
- Like the cunts that are found
-In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
+Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
+"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
+ To a muffer's delight,
+ I'll take head on a flight,
+So the guy can have pie in the sky."
%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-
-Till along came a man who presented
-A tool that was strangely indented.
- With a dizzying twirl
- He punctured that girl,
-And thus was the cork-screw invented.
+She begged and she pleaded for more.
+I said, "We've already had four,
+ And I'm sure that you've heard,
+ Though it's somewhat absurd,
+That eros spelt backwards is sore."
%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her quim with a cork
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade, it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
+She made a thing of soft leather,
+And topped off the end with a feather.
+ When she poked it inside her
+ She took off like a glider,
+And gave up her lover forever.
%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who had nothing whatever to do.
- So she sat on the stairs,
- And counted cunt hairs,
-Four thousand, three hundred and two.
+She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
+And begged for a bang : goodness knows
+ I am surely impure
+ And I sizzled to scrure,
+But the push had gone out of my hose.
%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who noticed her lovers were few;
- So she walked out her door
- With a fig leaf, no more,
-And now she's in bed - with the flu.
+She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
+When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
+ Now she's lying in the grass,
+ With the muffler up her ass,
+And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
%
-There was a young girl from Samoa
-Who pledged that no man would know her.
- One young fellow tried,
- But she wriggled aside,
-And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
+She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
+Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
+ But she knew, just before
+ She opened the door,
+This same Mr. had kr. sr.
%
-There was a young girl from Seattle,
-Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
- But a bull from the South
- Shot a wad in her mouth
-That made both her ovaries rattle.
+She wasn't what one could call pretty
+And other girls offered her pity,
+ So nobody guessed
+ That her Wasserman test
+Involved half the men in the city.
%
-There was a young girl from Siam
-Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
- "To seduce me, of course,
- You'll have to use force,
-And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
+Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
+"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
+ Plus the yen, but the men
+ Only call now and then--
+Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
%
-There was a young girl from St. Cyr
-Whose reflex reactions were queer.
- Her escort said, "Mable,
- Get up off the table;
-That money's to pay for the beer."
+So here was this fellow of Strensall
+Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
+ Anemic, 'tis true,
+ But an interesting screw,
+Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
%
-There was a young girl from St. Paul
-Who went to a newspaper ball.
- Her dress caught on fire
- And burnt her entire
-Front page and sport section and all.
+Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
+She obliges all who accost her.
+ She welcomes the prick
+ Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
+Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
%
-There was a young girl from the Bronix
-Who had a vagina of onyx.
- She had so much `tsoris'
- With her clitoris,
-She traded it in for a Packard.
+That Harvard don down at El Djim --
+Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
+ With the whole harem randy,
+ The sheik himself handy,
+To muss up a young camel's quim.
%
-There was a young girl from the coast
-Who, just when she needed it most,
- Lost her Kotex and bled
- All over the bed,
-And the head and the beard of her host.
+That naughty old Sappho of Greece
+Said: "What I prefer to a piece
+ Is to have my pudenda
+ Rubbed hard by the enda
+The little pink nose of my niece."
%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who eked out a living through sin.
- She didn't mind fucking,
- But much preferred sucking,
-And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
+The Dowager Duchess of Spout
+Collapsed at the height of a rout;
+ She found strength to say
+ As they bore her away:
+"I should never have taken the trout."
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
- Though he diddled his best,
- And fucked her with zest,
-She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
+The Enterprise crew when off work
+Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
+ Uhura the Zulu
+ Is shacked up with Sulu,
+And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
%
-There was a young girl in Dakota
-Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
- "In addition to gas
- We are rationing ass,
-And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
+The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
+Have chased Spock for several years.
+ His look of disdain
+ Has spared them great pain,
+For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
%
-There was a young girl name McKnight
-Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
- She came to in bed,
- With a split maidenhead--
-That's the last time she ever was tight.
+The Grecians were famed for fine art,
+And buildings and stonework so smart.
+ They distinguished with poise
+ The men from the boys,
+And used crowbars to keep them apart.
%
-There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
-Who swore that no man could surprise her.
- But Pabst took a chance,
- Found a Schlitz in her pants,
-And now she is sadder Budweiser.
+The King named Oedipus Rex
+Who started this fuss about sex
+ Put the world to great pains
+ By the spots and the stains
+Which he made on his mother's pubex.
%
-There was a young girl named Heather
-Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
- She made a queer noise,
- Which attracted the boys,
-By flapping the edges together.
+The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
+To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
+ And cried, "Oh, my dear,
+ I am coming, I fear,
+But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
%
-There was a young girl named McCall
-Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
- But the size of her anus
- Was something quite heinous --
-It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a girl a most elegant creature.
+ So she laid on her back
+ And, exposing her crack,
+Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+ The hen, pleased with that,
+ Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
-There was a young girl named O'Clare
-Whose body was covered with hair.
- It was really quite fun
- To probe with one's gun,
-For her quimmy might be anywhere.
+The Shah of the Empire of Persia
+Lay for days in a sexual merger.
+ When the nautch asked the Shah,
+ "Won't you ever withdraw?"
+He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
%
-There was a young girl named O'Malley
-Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
- She got roars of applause
- When she kicked off her drawers,
-But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
+The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
+And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
+ He caught a big mouse
+ Which he loosed in the house.
+(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
+Do an act in the nude on their knees.
+ They crawl down the aisle
+ While screwing dog-style,
+As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
- She tickled the balls
- Of the men in the halls,
-And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
+The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
+Fell into the water baptismal;
+ Ere they'd gathered its plight,
+ It had sunk out of sight,
+For the depth of the font was abysmal.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's sun, Jack,
- Laid her flat on her back,
-And united the organs they pissed with.
+The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
+They have kept me awake for a week.
+ Why do newlyweds
+ Select squeaky beds
+To develop their fucking technique?
%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
+The bishop of Alexandretta
+Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
+ So he thought he'd enshrine her
+ As the Holy Vagina
+In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
%
-There was a young girl of Asturias
-With a penchant for practices curious.
- She loved to bat rocks
- With her gentlemen's cocks --
-A practice both rude and injurious.
+The bustard's a remarkable fowl
+With surely no reason to growl
+ He escapes what would be
+ Illegitimacy
+By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
%
-There was a young girl of Batonger
-who diddled herself with a conger,
- When asked how it feels
- To be pleasured by eels
-She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
+The cruelest of creatures' the crab
+With claws that can pinch you or stab,
+ And then when you dine
+ On crab and white wine
+It gets you as well with the tab.
%
-There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
-Had a very capricious vagina:
- To the shock of the fucker
- "Twould suddenly pucker,
-And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
+The fearless old bishop of Brest
+Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
+ He fucked whores in the apse
+ With chancres and claps,
+But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
%
-There was a young girl of Cape Cod
-Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
- But it wasn't Jehovah
- That turned the girl over,
-'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
- the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
+The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
+Came to light with its face in its belly;
+ Her second was born
+ With a hump and a horn,
+And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young girl of Cape Town
-Who usually fucked with a clown.
- He taught her the trick
- Of sucking his prick,
-And when it went up -- she went down.
+The genital area of Ann
+Will accommodate any size man,
+ From the wee that cause titters
+ To the mighty twat-splitters
+That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
%
-There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
-Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
- She was fucked at the show
- In the twenty-third row,
-And once more going home in the taxi.
+The kings of Peru were the Incas,
+Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
+ They worshipped the sun
+ And had lots of fun,
+But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
+No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
+ Where ten thousand virgins
+ Succumbed to his urgin's
+There now stands the great State of Utah.
%
-There was a young girl of Des Moines
-Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
- Till a guy from Hoboken
- Went and dropped in a token,
-And now she rides free on the ferry.
+The latest reports from Good Hope
+State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
+ And fuck high, wide, and free,
+ From the top of one tree
+To the top of the next -- what a scope!
%
-There was a young girl of Detroit
-Who at fucking was very adroit:
- She could squeeze her vagina
- To a pin-point, or finer,
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-
-And she had a friend named Durand
-Whose cock could contract or expand.
- He could diddle a midge
- Or the arch of a bridge --
-Their performance together was grand!
+The limerick is furtive and mean;
+You must keep her in close quarantine,
+ Or she sneaks to the slums
+ And promptly becomes
+Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
+ -- Morris Bishop
%
-There was a young girl of East Lynne
-Whose mother, to save her from sin,
- Had filled up her crack,
- To the brim with shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
+The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
+Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
+ Once Congress in session,
+ Declared its suppression,
+But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
%
-There was a young girl of Gibraltar
-Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
- It really seems odd
- That a virtuous God
-Should answer her prayers and assault her.
+The moyel who treated young Alec
+Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
+ Presented the child
+ His aim was so wild
+He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
%
-There was a young girl of LLewellyn
-Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
- They were big it is true,
- But her cunt was big too,
-Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
-Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
+The new cinematic emporium
+Is not just a super-sensorium,
+ But a highly effectual
+ Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
%
-There was a young girl of Mobile,
-Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
- To give her a thrill,
- Took a rotary drill,
-Or a number nine emery wheel.
+The new local cinematorium
+Is not only a super sensorium,
+ But a highly effectual
+ Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
%
-There was a young girl of Moline
-Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
- She would work on a prick
- With every known trick,
-And finish by winking it clean.
+The nipples of Sarah Sarong
+When excited are twelve inches long
+ This embarrassed her lover
+ Who was pained to discover
+She expected no less of his dong
%
-There was a young girl of Newcastle
-Whose charms were declared universal.
- While one man in front
- Wired into her cunt,
-Another was engaged at her arsehole.
+The notorious Duchess of Peels
+Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
+ Said she, "Would you mind? --
+ Shove one up my behind.
+I am anxious to know how it feels."
%
-There was a young girl of Pawtucket
-Whose box was as big as a bucket.
- Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
- I'll have to wear boots,
-For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
+The office brown-noser named Bunky
+Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
+ But when the chips were all down,
+ His proboscis was brown,
+And there hung many strands which were gunky.
%
-There was a young girl of Penzance
-Who boarded a bus in a trance.
- The passengers fucked her,
- Likewise the conductor,
-While the driver shot off in his pants.
+The old archeologist, Throstle,
+Discovered a marvelous fossil.
+ He knew from its bend
+ And the knot on the end,
+T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
%
-There was a young girl of Pitlochry
-Who was had by a man in a rockery.
- She said, "Oh! You've come
- All over my bum;
-This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
+The once was a man from Bombay
+Who modeled his cunts out of clay
+ So hot was his prick
+ That he turned them to brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
%
-There was a young girl of Rangoon
-Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
- "Well, it has been great fun,"
- She remarked when he'd done,
-"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
+The partition of Vavasour Scowles
+Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
+ In a firkin; his brain
+ Was found clogging a drain,
+And his toes were inside of some towels.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
-Whose people all thought her a virgin,
- Till they found her in bed
- With her twat very red,
-And the head of a kid just emergin'.
+The prick of the engineer, Scott,
+Fell off from Saturnian rot.
+ He went to the basement
+ And made a replacement
+Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
%
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
- When she sat on their lap
- She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
+The randy old Bey of Algiers
+Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
+ Tried a cunt for a change,
+ And remarked : "It felt strange ...
+Just think what I've missed all these years!"
%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
- T'was fun in the breeding
- But hell in the feeding
-When she found there's no tit for Tat.
+The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
+At breakfast with horrid dismay,
+ So he launched off the spoons
+ The pits from his prunes
+At their heads as they neared the buffet.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
- It was fun in the breeding,
- But hell in the feeding,
-When she found there was no tit for Tat.
+The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
+Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
+ That when posed on her toes
+ She elaborately shows
+Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
%
-There was a young harlot from Kew
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They'll pay to get out of it too."
+The spouse of a pretty young thing
+Came home from the wars in the spring.
+ He was lame but he came
+ With his dame like a flame --
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
-Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
- And they tickled so nice
- She drew a high price
-From the studs at the summer resorts.
-
-Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
-Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
- For according to rumor
- His tool had a tumor
-And a fine row of warts down the middle.
+The star of that X-rated hit
+Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
+ This serves as a palace
+ For each turgid phallus--
+Some say that the plot is pure shit.
%
-There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
-Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
- The knob out in front
- Attracted foul cunt
-Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
+The wife of young Richard of Limerick
+Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
+ Still grows in diameter
+ Each time that you ram at her;
+How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
%
-There was a young idler named Blood,
-Made a fortune performing at stud,
- With a fifteen-inch peter,
- A double-beat metre,
-And a load like the Biblical Flood.
+The woman who lives on the moon
+Is still cherishing the balloon
+ Of an earthling who'd come
+ And given her some,
+But had dribbled away all too soon.
%
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
- Perceiving his error,
- The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
+The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
+Is not merely reading a meter.
+ By orders of Kirk
+ A part of his work
+Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
%
-There was a young lad - name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+The world is so full of a number of things,
+I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
+ I'll tell you a story--
+ It won't take me long--
+Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
+
+There was an old fellow and what do you think?
+He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
+ He whacked it, he hacked it,
+ He ate it with glee-
+Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
+
+This charming old chap had a sister as well :
+She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
+ Her cunt was so dirty
+ It stank like a beast,
+And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
+
+What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
+I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
+ Their odor and diet
+ Won't soon be forgotten,
+And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
%
-There was a young lad from Nahant
-Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
- When asked, "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could but I can't."
+There a young man from the Coast
+Who had an affair with a ghost.
+ At the height of orgasm
+ Said the pallid phantasm,
+"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
-There was a young lad from Siam,
-Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
- He loved them real small,
- 'Cause they're funner to ball,
-So he went out and bought him a lamb!
+There are some things we mustn't expose,
+So we hide them away in our clothes.
+ Oh, it's shocking to stare
+ At what's certainly there--
+But why this is so, heaven knows.
%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+There is a young faggot named Mose
+Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
+ And you'll double the joy
+ Of this lecherous boy
+If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
%
-There was a young lad name of Ward
-Who strung himself up with a cord
- Said he, of his work
- (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
-"I am leaving because I am bored."
- - E.A. Guest
+There is a young lady named Aird,
+Whose bottom is always kept bared.
+ When asked why she pouts,
+ She says "The Boy Scouts,
+All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
%
-There was a young lad named McFee
-Who was stung in the balls by a bee
- He made oodles of money
- By oozing pure honey
-Every time he attempted to pee.
+There once was a Duchess of Beever
+Who slept with her golden retriever.
+ Said the potted old Duke :
+ "Such tricks make me puke!
+Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
- Said the brawny old mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the cook and the captain and me."
+There once was a Duchess of Bruges
+Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
+ Said the king to this dame
+ As he thunderously came:
+"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
- "I see," said the mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the captain, the purser, and me."
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ It was not the size
+ That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
-There was a young lady called Ciss
-Who went to the river to piss.
- A young man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt;
-No wonder she thought it was bliss.
+There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
+Discovered his sex life was hapless:
+ The more he would screw
+ The more he'd want to,
+And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
%
-There was a young lady from Bangor
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
- She woke in dismay
- When she heard the mate say:
-"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
+There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
+Whose gender was kept in the dark.
+ He/she/it said with a nod,
+ "My ancestors were odd!"
+Did Noah need two for the ark?
%
-There was a young lady from Bright,
-Whose speed was much faster than light.
- She went out one day
- In a relative way
-And returned on the previous night.
+There once was a bishop from Birmingham
+Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
+ As they knelt on the hassock
+ He lifted his cassock
+And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
%
-There was a young lady from Bristol
-Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
- Said she, "It's all glass,
- And as round as my ass,"
-And she farted as loud as a pistol.
+There once was a boy named Carruthers
+Who was busily fucking his mother
+ "I know it's a sin,"
+ He said, shoving it in,
+"But it's better than blowing my brother."
%
-There was a young lady from Brussels
-Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
- She could easily plex them
- And so interflex them
-As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
+There once was a chick named Longet,
+Who went out to Aspen to play.
+ Along came a Spyder,
+ Who sat down beside her
+And she blew the poor bastard away.
%
-There was a young lady from Drew
-Who ended her verse at line two.
+There once was a clergyman's daughter
+Who detested the pony he bought her,
+ Till she found that its dong
+ Was as hard and as long
+As the prayers her father had taught her.
+
+She married a fellow named Tony
+Who soon found her fucking the pony.
+ Said he, "What's it got,
+ My dear, that I've not?"
+Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
%
-There was a young lady from Dumfries
-Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
- My navel's all bare,
- So stick it in there,
-Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+ Because in their haste
+ They used library paste,
+Instead of petroleum jelly.
%
-There was a young lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+There once was a couple named Kelly
+Who walked around belly-to-belly.
+ It seems in their haste,
+ They used Carter's paste
+Instead of petroleum jelly.
%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
- While her lover lamented
- The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
+There once was a dentist named Stone
+Who saw all his patients alone.
+ In a fit of depravity
+ He filled the wrong cavity,
+And my, how his practice has grown!
%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+There once was a fairy named Avers
+Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
+ Though buggers all claimed
+ That their asses were maimed,
+Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
+There once was a fellow named Bob
+Who in sexual ways was a snob.
+ One day he was swimmin'
+ With twelve naked women
+And deserted them all for a gob.
%
-There was a young lady from Norway
-Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
- She told her young man,
- "Get off the divan,
-I think I've discovered one more way "
+There once was a fellow named Brewster
+Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
+ "It used to be grand
+ But look at my hand
+You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
%
-There was a young lady from Prentice
-Who had an affair with a dentist.
- To make things easier
- He used anesthesia,
-And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
+There once was a fellow named Howard,
+Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
+ While grabbing some ass,
+ He reached critical mass,
+But think of the girl he deflowered!
%
-There was a young lady from Rheims
-Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
- A friend poked around
- And a fly-button found
-Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
+There once was a fellow named Potts
+Who was prone to having the trots
+ But his humble abode
+ Was without a commode
+So his carpet was covered with spots.
%
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
- As she dropped her panties
- She said, "No andanties
-I want this allegro con brio."
+There once was a fellow named Siegel
+Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
+ But the mettlesome bitch
+ Turned and said with a twitch,
+"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
%
-There was a young lady from Siam
-Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
- "You may kiss me of course,
- But you'll have to use force.
-Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
+There once was a fellow named Sweeney
+Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
+ Not being uncouth,
+ He added vermouth
+And slipped his amour a martini.
%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who demurely undressed on a train.
- A helpful young porter
- Helped more than he orter,
-And she promptly cried "Help me again"
+There once was a fencer named Fisk,
+Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
+ So fast was his action,
+ The Fitzgerald contraction,
+Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who got sick as she rode on a train;
- Not once, but again,
- And again, and again,
-And again, and again, and again.
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+ He'd yip and he'd yap,
+ Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Whose face was exceedingly plain,
- But her cunt had a pucker
- That made the men fuck her,
-Again, and again, and again.
+There once was a floozie named Annie
+Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
+ A buck for a fuck,
+ Fifty cents for a suck,
+And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
%
-There was a young lady from Troy
-Had a moustache, just like a young boy
- Though it tickled to kiss
- 'Twas a source of much bliss
-When she used it to brush a man's toy.
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+ A virgin named Joan
+ From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
+There once was a gangster named Brown
+- the sneakiest bastard in town.
+ He was caught by G-men
+ Shooting his semen
+Where the cops would slip and fall down.
%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who had a peculiar feeling.
- She laid on her back
- And tickled her crack
-And pissed all over the ceiling.
+There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
+Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
+ Sheep are just fine,
+ Chickens, divine,
+But iguanas are Numero Uno."
%
-There was a young lady from Wooster
-Who complained that too many men gooster.
- So she traded her scanties
- For sandpaper panties,
-Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
+There once was a gay young Parisian
+Who screwed an appendix incision,
+ And the girl of his choice
+ Could hardly rejoice
+At the horrible lack of precision.
%
-There was a young lady in Reno,
-Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
- But she lay on her back,
- And opened her crack,
-So now she owns the Casino!
+There once was a girl from Cornell
+Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
+ When you touched them they shrunk,
+ Except when she was drunk,
+And then they got bigger than hell.
%
-There was a young lady named Alice
-Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
- 'Twas the common belief
- It was done for relief,
-And not out of protestant malice.
+There once was a girl from Decatur,
+Who got laid by a big alligator.
+ Now nobody knew
+ The result of that screw,
+'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
%
-There was a young lady named Astor
-Who never let any get past her.
- She finally got plenty
- By stopping twenty,
-Which certainly ought to last her.
+There once was a girl from Madras
+Who had such a beautiful ass -
+ It was not round and pink
+ (As you bastards think)
+But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
%
-There was a young lady named Banker,
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
- She woke in dismay,
- When she heard the mate say,
-"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
+There once was a girl from Spokane,
+Went to bed with a one-legged man.
+ She said, "I know you--
+ You've really got two!
+Why didn't you say so when we began?"
%
-There was a young lady named Blount
-Who had a rectangular cunt.
- She learned for diversion
- Posterior perversion,
-Since no one could fit here in front.
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+ But she started absorbin'
+ A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
%
-There was a young lady named Bower
-Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
- But a poet from Perth
- Laid her flat on the earth,
-And proceeded with penis to plough her.
+There once was a girl named Louise
+Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
+ The crabs in her twat
+ Tied the hairs in a knot
+And constructed a flying trapeze
%
-There was a young lady named Brent
-With a cunt of enormous extent,
- And so deep and so wide,
- The acoustics inside
-Were so good you could hear when you spent.
+There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
+Who was diddled amazingly often.
+ She was rogered by scores
+ Who'd been turned down by whores,
+And was finally screwed in her coffin.
%
-There was a young lady named Bright
-Who could travel much faster than light.
- She took off one day,
- In a relative way,
-And returned on the previous night.
+There once was a girl named Priscilla
+Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
+ The taste was so fine
+ Man and beast stood in line
+(Including a stud armadilla).
%
-There was a young lady named Brook
-Who never could learn how to cook.
- But on a divan
- She could please any man-
-She knew every darn trick in the book!
+There once was a girl so lovely,
+Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
+ She strapped on her tanks,
+ And started her pranks,
+But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
%
-There was a young lady named Cager
-Who, as the result of a wager,
- Consented to fart
- The entire oboe part
-Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
+There once was a golfer named Leer,
+Who got put in the clink for a year,
+ For an action obscene,
+ On the very first green.
+Where the sign said "Enter course here."
%
-There was a young lady named Ciss
-Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
- But she'll never restate,
- For a wheel off her skate
-.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
+There once was a gouty old colonel
+Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
+ And he cried in his tiffin
+ For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
+And the size of the thing was infernal.
%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- At least so I thought
- Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
+Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
+ But when I meet boys,
+ God! how I enjoys
+Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
%
-There was a young lady named Dot
-Whose cunt was so terribly hot
- That ten bishops of Rome
- And the Pope's private gnome
-Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
+ So he built him some chicks,
+ Of silicon chips,
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
%
-There was a young lady named Duff
-With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
- In his haste to get in her
- One eager beginner
-Lost both of his balls in the rough.
+There once was a handsome young seaman
+Who with ladies was really a demon.
+ In peace or in war,
+ At sea or on shore,
+He could certainly dish out the semen.
%
-There was a young lady named Etta
-Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
- Three reasons she had:
- To keep warm wasn't bad,
-But the other two reasons were betta.
+There once was a horny old bitch
+With a motorized self-frigger which
+ She would use with delight
+ All day long and all night -
+Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
%
-There was a young lady named Fleager
-Who was terribly, terribly eager
- To be all the rage
- On the tragedy stage,
-Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There once was a horse named Lily
+Whose dingus was really a dilly.
+ It was vaginoid duply,
+ And labial quadruply --
+In fact, he was really a filly.
%
-There was a young lady named Flo
-Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
- So they tried it all night,
- Till he got it just right...
-Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
+There once was a husky young Viking
+Whose sexual prowess was striking.
+ Every time he got hot
+ He would scour the twat
+Of some girl that might be to his liking.
%
-There was a young lady named Flynn
-Who thought fornication a sin,
- But when she was tight
- It seemed quite all right,
-So everyone filled her with gin.
+There once was a jolly old bloke
+Who picked up a girl for a poke.
+ He took down her pants,
+ Fucked her into a trance,
+And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
%
-There was a young lady named Gilda
-Who went on a date with a builder.
- He said that he would,
- And he could and he should,
-And he did and it damn well near killed her.
+There once was a kiddie named Carr
+Caught a man on top of his mar.
+ As he saw him stick 'er,
+ He said with a snicker,
+"You do it much faster than par."
%
-There was a young lady named Gloria
-Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
- And then by six men,
- Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
-There was a young lady named Gloria,
-Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
- She replied to the chap,
- "I'll draw you a map,
-Of where others have been to before ya."
+There once was a lady from Kansas
+Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
+ It was nine inches deep
+ And the sides were quite steep --
+It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
%
-There was a young lady named Grace
-Who would not take a prick in her "place."
- Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
- She never would fuck it--
-She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
+There once was a lady named Carter,
+Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
+ She stripped off his pants,
+ At his prick quickly glanced,
+And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
+There once was a lady named Clair,
+Who posessed a magnificent pair.
+ Or that's what I thought,
+ Till I saw one get caught,
+On a thorn and begin losing air.
%
-There was a young lady named Hatch
-Who would always come through in a scratch.
- If a guy wouldn't neck her,
- She'd grab up his pecker
-And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
+There once was a lady named Myrtle
+Who had an affair with a turtle.
+ She had crabs, so they say,
+ In a year and a day
+Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
%
-There was a young lady named Mable
-Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
- Then cry to her man,
- "Stuff in all you can --
-Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
+There once was a lawyer named Rex
+With minuscule organs of sex.
+ Arraigned for exposure,
+ He maintained with composure,
+"De minimis non curat lex."
+
+ [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
%
-There was a young lady named Mandel
-Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
- By coming out bare
- On the main village square
-And frigging herself with a candle.
+There once was a lifeguard named Lee
+Who rescued a girl from the sea
+ She asked how to pay,
+ And he said "Try this way,
+Go down for the third time on me."
%
-There was a young lady named Maud,
-A terrible society fraud:
- In company, I'm told,
- She was distant and cold,
-But if you got her alone, Oh God!
+There once was a maid from Mobile
+Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
+ She only got thrills
+ From pneumatic drills
+And an off-centered emery wheel.
%
-There was a young lady named May
-Who strolled in a park by the way,
- And she met a youg man
- Who fucked her and ran --
-Now she goes to the park every day.
+There once was a man from Bombay
+He would do it all night and all day
+ He soon became sore
+ You shoulda' heard him roar
+When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
%
-There was a young lady named Nance
-Who learned about fucking in France,
- And when you'd insert it
- She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
-And shoved it right back in your pants.
+There once was a man from Calcutta
+Who used to beat off in the gutta
+ The heat of the sun
+ Affected his gun
+And turned all his cream into butta!
%
-There was a young lady named Nelly
-Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
- They could tickle her twat
- Or be tied in a knot,
-And could even swat flies on her belly.
+There once was a man from Dunoon,
+Who always ate soup with a fork.
+ He said "When I eat
+ Either fish, foul or flesh,
+I otherwise finish too quick."
%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was raped three times in a hansom
- When she cried out for more
- Said a voice from the floor,
-"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
+There once was a man from Exameter
+Who had a prodigious diameter
+ But it wasn't the size
+ That brought forth the cries
+'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
- When she cried out for more
- A voice from the floor
-Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
+There once was a man from Madras,
+Whose balls were made out of brass.
+ When they clanged together,
+ They played "Stormy Weather",
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
-There was a young lady named Riddle
-Who had an untouchable middle.
- She had many friends
- Because of her ends,
-Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
+There once was a man from Nantee
+Who buggered an ape in a tree.
+ The results were most horrid
+ All ass and no forehead
+Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-Who fainted whenever she chose;
- She did so one day
- While playing croquet,
-But was quickly revived with a hose.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There once was a man from Nantucket
+Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
+ His daughter, named Nan,
+ Ran away with a man,
+And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
+
+The pair of them went to Manhasset,
+(Nan and the man with the asset.)
+ Pa followed them there,
+ But they left in a tear,
+And as for the asset, Manhasset.
+
+Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
+(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
+ Pa said to the man,
+ "You're welcome to Nan."
+But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-With erogenous zones in her toes.
- She remained onanistic
- Till a foot-fetishistic
-Young man became one of her beaux.
+There once was a man from Nantucket
+Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
+ He said with a grin
+ As he wiped off his chin,
+"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"
%
-There was a young lady named Schneider
-Who often kept trysts with a spider.
- She found a strange bliss,
- In the hiss of her piss,
-As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
+There once was a man from Racine,
+Who invented a screwing machine.
+ Both concave and convex,
+ It could please either sex,
+But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
%
-There was a young lady named Smith
-Whose virtue was largely a myth.
- She said, "Try as I can
- I can't find a man
-Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
+There once was a man from Sandem
+Who was making his girl on a tandem.
+ At the peak of the make
+ She jammed on the brake
+And scattered his semen at random.
%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+There once was a man from Sydney
+Who could put it up to her kidney.
+ But the man from Quebec
+ Put it up to her neck;
+He had a big one, now didn't he?
%
-There was a young lady named Wylde
-Who kept herself quite undefiled
- By thinking of Jesus;
- Contagious diseases;
-And the bother of having a child.
+There once was a man named Lodge,
+who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+ When his date was strapped in,
+ He committed a sin,
+without ever leaving the garage.
%
-There was a young lady of Arden,
-The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
- Said she with a frown,
- "I've been sadly let down
-By the tool of a fool in a garden."
+There once was a man named McGruder,
+Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
+ But the girl thought it crude,
+ To be wooed in the nude,
+So McGru took an oar and subduder.
%
-There was a young lady of Bicester
-Who was nicer by far than her sister:
- The sister would giggle
- And wiggle and jiggle,
-But this one would come if you kissed her.
+There once was a man named McSweeny
+Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
+ Just to be couth,
+ He added vermouth,
+And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
%
-There was a young lady of Brabant
-Who slept with an impotent savant.
- She admitted, "We shouldn't,
- But it turned out he couldn't-
-So you can't say we have when we haven't."
+There once was a man named Parridge
+With peculiar views on marriage.
+ He sucked off his brother,
+ Fucked his own mother,
+And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
%
-There was a young lady of Bude
-Who walked down the street in the nude.
- A bobby said, "Whattum
- Magnificent bottom!"
-And slapped it as hard as he could.
+There once was a man with a hernia
+Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
+ When you work on my middle
+ Be sure you don't fiddle
+With things that do not concern ya."
%
-There was a young lady of Carmia
-Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
- At every cold snap
- She would climb in your lab,
-So her little base burner could warm ya.
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+ The sword that he used
+ Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Who went down to the river to pee.
- A man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt,
-And God! how I wish it were me.
+There once was a miner named Dave,
+Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
+ She was ugly as shit,
+ And missing one tit,
+But think of the money he saves.
%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Whose hymen was split into three.
- And when she was diddled
- The middle string fiddled :
-"Nearer My God To Thee."
+There once was a monk of Camyre
+Who was seized with a carnal desire
+ And the primary cause
+ Was the abbess's drawers
+Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
%
-There was a young lady of Dexter
-Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
- For whenever they'd start
- He'd unfailingly fart
-With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
+There once was a newspaper vendor,
+A person of dubious gender.
+ He would charge one-and-two
+ For permission to view
+His remarkable double pudenda.
%
-There was a young lady of Dover
-Whose passion was such that it drove her
- To cry, when you came,
- "Oh dear! What a shame!
-Well, now we shall have to start over."
+There once was a plumber from Leigh
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
+ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+ I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
%
-There was a young lady of Ealing
-And her lover before her was kneeling.
- Said she, "Dearest Jim,
- Take your hands off my quim;
-I much prefer fucking to feeling."
+There once was a pretty young Mrs.
+Whose tearful but short story thrs.
+ Her mind lost its grasp -
+ Now she thinks she's an asp
+And just sits in the corner and hrs.
%
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
- To her lover she said,
- As they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+ Till a prince from Peru
+ Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
%
-There was a young lady of Fez
-Who was known to the public as "Jez."
- Jezebel was her name,
- Sucking cocks was the game
-She excelled at (so everyone says).
+There once was a reverend at Kings
+Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
+ But his heart was on fire
+ For a boy in the choir
+Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.
+There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
+Who said, "They can all go to hell!
+ What they do to my wife --
+ Why it ruins my life;
+And the worst is they all do it well."
%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump--
-This passing parade did amaze her.
+There once was a sailor named Gasted,
+A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
+ He could jerk himself off
+ In a basket, aloft,
+Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
- She wasn't much hurt,
- But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
+There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
+Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
+ Yet the girls he would dazzle,
+ And fuck to a frazzle,
+And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester
-Whose friends they thought they had lost her
- Till they found on the grass
- The marks of her arse,
-And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
+There once was a spaceman named Spock
+Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
+ A girl from Missouri
+ Whose name was Uhura
+Just fainted away from the shock.
%
-There was a young lady of Kent,
-Who admitted she knew what it meant
- When men asked her to dine,
- And plied her with wine,
-She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
+There once was a whore from Regina
+Who had a stupendous vagina.
+ To save herself time,
+ She had six at a time,
+And another one working behind her.
%
-There was a young lady of Lee
-Who scrambled up into a tree,
- When she got there
- Her arsehole was bare,
-And so was her C U N T.
+There once was a woman from Arden
+Who sucked off a man in a garden.
+ He said, "My dear Flo,
+ Where does all that stuff go?"
+And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
+%
+There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
+Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
+ But he lurked in the ditches
+ And diddled the bitches
+Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
%
-There was a young lady of Lincoln
-Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
- So she had a prick lent her
- Which turned it magenta,
-This artful old lady of Lincoln.
+There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
+And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
+ She was ugly and smelly,
+ With an awful pot-belly,
+But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
-There was a young lady of Natchez
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
- And she often said, "Shit!
- Why, I'd give either tit
-For a man with equipment that matches."
-
-There was a young fellow named Locke
-Who was born with a two-headed cock.
- When he'd fondle the thing
- It would rise up and sing
-An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-
-But whether these two ever met
-Has not been recorded as yet,
- Still, it would be diverting
- To see him inserting
-His whang while it sang a duet.
+There once was a young girl from Natches
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches
+ She often said, "Shit!
+ I'd give either tit
+For a guy with equipment that matches."
%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
-I think I've discovered one more way."
+There once was a young man from Boston
+Who drove around town in an Austin,
+ There was room for his ass,
+ And a gallon of gas,
+So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
%
-There was a young lady of Rhyll
-In an omnibus was taken ill,
- So she called the conductor,
- Who got in and fucked her,
-Which did more good than a pill.
+There once was a young man from France
+Who waited ten years for his chance;
+Then he muffed it...
%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who took down her pants on a train.
- There was a young porter
- Saw more than he orter,
-And asked her to do it again.
+There once was a young man from Yuma
+Who attempted sex with a puma
+ He gave up real quick
+ Minus nose, toes, and prick
+In obvious pain and ill huma.
%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
- They did it again
- And again and again,
-And again and again and again.
+There once was a young man from Yuma,
+Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
+ Now his dry bleached bones lie,
+ Under hot Asian skies,
+'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
%
-There was a young lady of Twickenham
-Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
- On her knees every day
- To God she would pray
-To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
+There once was a young man named Clyde
+Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
+ He had a twin brother
+ Who fell in another
+And now they're interred side by side.
%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
- My little brown jug
- Has need of a plug" --
-And straightaway she started to peeling.
+There once was a young man named Gene,
+Who invented a screwing machine.
+ Concave and convex,
+ It served either sex,
+And it played with itself inbetween.
%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris,
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
+There once was a young man named Lancelot
+Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
+ For when he should pass
+ A desirable lass
+The front of his pants would advance a lot.
%
-There was a young lady who said,
-As her bridegroom got into the bed,
- "I'm tired of this stunt,
- That they do with one's cunt,
-You can get up my bottom instead."
+There once was an Arpanet freak,
+Who better response-time did seek.
+ He searched coast to coast,
+ For a reliable host,
+Whose logger took less than a week.
%
-There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accommodate a small punt.
- Her mother said, "Annie,
- It matches your fanny,
-Which never was that of a runt."
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+ It at last grew so small,
+ He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
%
-There was a young lady whose thighs,
-When spread showed a slit of such size,
- And so deep and so wide,
- You could play cards inside,
-Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
+There once were two brothers named Luntz
+Who buggered each other at once.
+ When asked to account
+ For this intricate mount,
+They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
+There once were two women from Birmingham.
+And this is the story concerning 'em.
+ They lifted the frock
+ And fondled the cock
+Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
%
-There was a young laundress named Wrangle
-Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
- "They may tickle my chin,"
- She said with a grin,
-"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+ Till a Spanish grandee,
+ Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
%
-There was a young maiden from Osset
-Whose quim was nine inches across it.
- Said a young man named Tong,
- With tool nine inches long,
-"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
+There was a family named Doe,
+An ideal family to know.
+ As father screwed mother,
+ She said, "You're heavier than brother."
+And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
%
-There was a young man from Bear Ridge
-Who had strange ideas about marriage.
- He fucked his wife's mother
- And sucked off her brother
-And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
+There was a fat lady of China
+Who'd a really enormous vagina,
+ And when she was dead
+ They painted it red,
+And used it for docking a liner.
%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
+There was a fat man from Rangoon
+Whose prick was much like a ballon.
+ He tried hard to ride her
+ And when finally inside her
+She thought she was pregnant too soon.
%
-There was a young man from Bengal
-Who claimed he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Pulled down this man's breeches
-And proved he had nothing at all.
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+ That in spite of high station,
+ Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
%
-There was a young man from Biloxi
-Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
- Drinking glass after glass,
- He would tune up his ass,
-Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
+There was a gay dog from Ontario
+Who fancied himself a Lothario.
+ At a wench's glance
+ He'd snatch off his pants
+And make for her Mons Venerio.
%
-A potter who lived in Bombay
-Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
- But the heat of his prick
- Kilned the damn thing to brick
-And chafed all his foreskin away.
+There was a gay parson of Norton
+Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
+ To make up for this loss,
+ He had balls like a horse,
+And never spent less than a quartern.
%
-There was a young man from Boston
-Who rode around in an Austin.
- There was room for his ass
- And a gallon of gas,
-But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
+There was a gay parson of Tooting
+Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
+ Till he married a lass
+ With a face like my arse,
+And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
%
-There was a young man from Calcutta
-Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
- "If her Bartholin glands
- Don't respond to my hands,
-I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
+There was a girl from Aberystwyth
+Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
+ The miller's son Jack
+ Laid her flat on her back
+And united the organs they pissed with.
%
-There was a young man from Dallas
-Who had an exceptional phallus.
- He couldn't find room
- In any girl's womb
-Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
+There was a lewd fellow named Duff
+Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
+ With his head in a whirl
+ He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
+I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
%
-There was a young man from Dundee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were quite horrid:
- All ass and no forehead,
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
+There was a man from Mich.
+Who used to wish and wich.
+ That spring would come
+ So he could bum
+Around and go out fich.
+%
+There was a pianist named Liszt
+Who played with one hand while he pissed,
+ But as he grew older
+ His technique grew bolder,
+And in concert jacked off with his fist.
%
-There was a young man from East Lizes
-Whose balls were of two different sizes
- One was so small
- It was no ball at all
-The other was large and won prizes.
+There was a poor parson from Goring,
+Who made a small hole in his flooring,
+ Fur-lined it all round,
+ Then laid on the ground,
+And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
%
-There was a young man from East Wubley
-Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
- Each quadruplicate shaft
- Had two balls hanging aft,
-And the general effect was quite lovely.
-
-There was a young man from Hong Kong
-Who had a trifurcated prong:
- A small one for sucking,
- A large one for fucking,
-And a `boney' for beating a gong.
+There was a strong man of Drumrig
+Who one day did seven times frig.
+ He buggered three sailors,
+ Four dogs and two tailors,
+And ended by fucking a pig.
%
-There was a young man from Glengozzle
-Who found a remarkable fossil.
- He knew by the bend
- And the wart on the end,
-'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
+There was a teenager named Donna
+Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
+ Two days out of three
+ She would shoot LSD,
+And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
%
-There was a young man from Jodhpur
-Who found he could easily cure
- His dread diabetes
- By eating a foetus
-Served up in a sauce of manure.
+There was a young German named Ringer
+Who was screwing an opera singer.
+ Said he with a grin,
+ "Well, I've sure got it in!"
+Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
%
-There was a young man from Kent
-Whose tool was so long that it bent.
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
+There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
+Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
+ Perceiving his error,
+ The Rabbi in terror
+Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
%
-There was a young man from Lynn
-Whose cock was the size of a pin.
- Said his girl with a laugh
- As she felt his staff,
-"This won't be much of a sin."
+There was a young Scot in Madrid
+Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
+ When they said, "Are you faint?"
+ He replied, "No, I ain't,
+But I don't feel as good as I did."
%
-There was a young man from Maine
-Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
- It was almost as long,
- So he strolled with his dong
-Extended in sunshine and rain.
+There was a young belle of old Natchez
+Whose garments were always in patchez.
+ When comment arose
+ On the state of her clothes
+She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- But he looked in the glass,
- And saw his own ass,
-And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
+There was a young blade from South Greece
+Whose bush did so greatly increase
+ That before he could shack
+ He must hunt needle in stack.
+'Twas as bad as being obese.
%
-There was a young man from New Haven
-Who had an affair with a raven.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"Nevermore!"
+There was a young bride of Antigua
+Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
+ Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
+ Why, you've only felt my twot,
+My legs and my arse and my figua!"
%
-There was a young man from Peru,
-Who took a long trip by canoe.
- While staring at Venus,
- And rubbing his penis,
-He wound up with a handful of goo.
+There was a young bride, a Canuck,
+Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
+ You say that I, maybe,
+ Can have my first baby--
+Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
%
-There was a young man from Purdue
-Who was only just learning to screw,
- But he hadn't the knack,
- And he got too far back --
-In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
+There was a young chap in Arabia
+Who courted a widow named Fabia.
+ "Yes, my tongue is as long
+ As the average man's dong,"
+He said, licking the lips of her labia.
%
-There was a young man from Racine
-Who invented a fucking machine.
- Concave or convex,
- It served either sex,
-But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
+There was a young cook with the art
+Of making a delicious tart
+ With a handful of shit,
+ Some snot and some spit,
+And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
%
-There was a young man from Rangoon
-Who used to lament 'neath the moon
- That he had the luck
- To be born of a fuck
-That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
+There was a young curate whose brain
+Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
+ He lured a small child
+ To a copse dark and wild,
+Where he beat it to death with his cane.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-There was a young man from Salinas
-Who had an extremely long penis:
- Believe it or not,
- When he lay on his cot
-It reached from Marin to Martinez.
+There was a young damsel named Baker
+Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
+ He yelled, "My God! what
+ Do you call this -- a twat?
+Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
%
-There was a young man from Seattle
-Whose testicles tended to rattle.
- He said as he fuck-ed
- Some stones in a bucket,
-"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
+There was a young dolly named Molly
+Who thought that to frig was a folly.
+ Said she, "Your pee-pee
+ Means nothing to me,
+But I'll do it just to be jolly."
%
-There was a young man from Siam
-Who said, "I go in with a wham,
- But I soon lose my starch
- Like the mad month of March,
-And the lion comes out like a lamb."
+There was a young fellow called Clyde
+Who fell in an outhouse and died.
+ He had a twin brother
+ Who fell in another
+So now they're interred side by side.
%
-There was a young man from St. Paul's
-Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
-That he knitted a snood for his balls.
+There was a young fellow from Cal.,
+In bed with a passionate gal.
+ He leapt from the bed,
+ To the toilet he sped;
+Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
%
-There was a young man from Stamboul
-Who boasted so torrid a tool
- That each female crater
- Explored by this satyr
-Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
+There was a young fellow from Florida
+Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
+ When they got into bed
+ He cried, "God strike me dead!
+This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
%
-There was a young man from Tibet-
-And this is the strangest one yet-
- Whose tool was so long,
- So pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
+There was a young fellow from Kent
+Whose cock was so long that it bent
+ To save himself trouble
+ He put it in double
+And instead of coming, he went.
%
-There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
- At the height of their fever
- Her ass hit the lever
-And: yes, he has no banana.
+There was a young fellow from Leeds
+Who swallowed a package of seeds.
+ Great tufts of grass
+ Sprouted out of his ass
+And his balls were all covered with weeds.
%
-There was a young man in Norway,
-Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
- But the air was so frigid
- It froze his cock rigid,
-And all he could come was frappe.
+There was a young fellow from Parma
+Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
+ Said the damsel demure,
+ "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
+But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
%
-There was a young man in the choir
-Whose penis rose higher and higher,
- Till it reached such a height
- It was quite out of sight --
-But of course you know I'm a liar.
+There was a young fellow name Tucker
+Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
+ Said, "Don't bow out your lips
+ Like an elephant's hips,
+The boys like it best when they pucker."
%
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
- He lay with his feet
- Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young fellow named Ades
+Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
+ But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
+ And the knot holes in doors
+Were by no means exempt from his raids.
%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
- He could stretch them and snap them,
- And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
+There was a young fellow named Babbitt
+Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
+ But a girl from Johore
+ Could do it twice more,
+Which was just enough extra to crab it.
%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch,
- Yeah, she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
+There was a young fellow named Bill,
+Who took an atomic pill,
+ His navel corroded,
+ His asshole exploded,
+And they found his nuts in Brazil.
%
-There was a young man named Hughes
-Who swore off all kinds of booze.
- He said, "When I'm muddled
- My senses get fuddled,
-And I pass up too many screws."
+There was a young fellow named Blaine,
+And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
+ She was ugly and smelly
+ With an awful pot-belly,
+But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
-There was a young man named Knute
-Who had warts all over his root.
- He put acid on these
- And now when he pees,
-He fingers the thing like a flute.
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+ For even with Venus
+ His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+ h
+ i
+ s
+ .
%
-There was a young man named Laplace
-Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
- When they banged together
- They played "Stormy Weather"
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
+There was a young fellow named Bowen
+Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
+ It grew so tremendous,
+ So long and so pendulous,
+'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
%
-There was a young man named McNamiter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- But it wasn't the size
- Gave the girls a surprise,
-But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
+There was a young fellow named Brewer
+Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
+ Thus he, the poor soul,
+ Could get into her hole,
+And still not be able to screw her!
%
-There was a young man named Rex
-Who really was small for his sex.
- When tried for exposure
- The judge's disclosure
-Was "de minimus non curat lex."
+There was a young fellow named Case
+Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
+ He licked his way clean
+ Through Number thirteen,
+But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabel
-Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
- When they asked if his pleasure
- Was only half measure,
-He replied, "That is highly improbable."
+There was a young fellow named Charteris
+Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
+ Said she, "I don't mind,
+ And higher up you'll find
+The place where my fucker and farter is."
%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabub
-Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
- But the pride of his life
- Were the tits of his wife --
-One real, and one India-rubber bub.
+There was a young fellow named Cribbs
+Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
+ They were inches apart,
+ And to suck it took art,
+While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
%
-There was a young man of Arras
-Who stretched himself out on the grass,
- And with no little trouble,
- He bent himself double,
-And stuck his prick well up his ass.
+There was a young fellow named Feeney
+Whose girl was a terrible meany.
+ The hatch of her snatch
+ Had a catch that would latch
+- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
-There was a young man of Australia
-Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
- He buggered a frog,
- Two mice and a dog,
-And a bishop in fullest regalia.
+There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
+Was reputed an infamous lecher.
+ When he'd take on a whore
+ She'd need a rebore,
+And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
- I will suck, without charge,
- Any cock, if it's large.
-If it's small, I expect to be paid."
+There was a young fellow named Fyfe
+Whose marriage was ruined for life,
+ For he had an aversion
+ To every perversion,
+And only liked fucking his wife.
+
+Well, one year the poor woman struck,
+And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
+ And said, "Where have you gotten us
+ With your goddamn monotonous
+Fuck after fuck after fuck?
+
+"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
+And a versatile girl she was, too.
+ After ten years of whoredom
+ She perished of boredom
+When she married a jackass like you!"
%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who slept with a girl in the trade.
- She said to him, "Jack,
- Try the hole in the back;
-The front one is badly decayed."
+There was a young fellow named Gene
+Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
+ He next picked his toes,
+ And lastly his nose,
+And he never did wash in between.
%
-There was a young man of Bengal
-Who swore he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Unbuttoned his britches,
-And found he had no balls at all.
+There was a young fellow named Gluck
+Who found himself shit out of luck.
+ Though he petted and wooed,
+ When he tried to get screwed
+He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
%
-There was a young man of Bombay
-Who buggered his dad once a day.
- He said, "I like, rather,
- Fucking my father --
-He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
+There was a young fellow named Goody
+Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
+ If he found himself nude
+ With a gal in the mood
+The question's not woody but could he?
%
-There was a young man of Calcutta,
-Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
- When he got to c-u,
- A pious Hindoo
-Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
+There was a young fellow named Grant
+Who was made like the sensitive plant.
+ When they asked "Do you fuck?"
+ He replied, "No such luck.
+I would if I could, but I can't."
%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
+There was a young fellow named Grimes
+Who fucked his girl seventeen times
+ In the course of a week --
+ And this isn't to speak
+Of assorted venereal crimes.
%
-There was a young man of Coblenz
-Whose ballocks were simply immense:
- It took forty-four draymen,
- A priest and three laymen
-To carry them thither and thence.
+There was a young fellow named Harry,
+Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
+ He grabbed him a virgin,
+ Who, without any urgin',
+Immediately spread like a fairy.
%
-There was a young man of Darjeeling
-Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
- In the electric light socket,
- He'd put it and rock it--
-Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
+There was a young fellow named Hatch
+Who was fond of the music of Bach.
+ He said: "It's not fussy
+ Like Brahms and Debussy;
+Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
%
-There was a young man of Devizes
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- His tool when at ease,
- Hung down to his knees,
-Oh, what must it be when it rises!
+There was a young fellow named Kimble
+Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
+ But fragile and slender,
+ And dainty and tender,
+So he kept it encased in a thimble.
%
-There was a young man of Devizes,
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- One was so small,
- It was nothing at all;
-The other took numerous prizes.
+There was a young fellow named Meek
+Who invented a lingual technique.
+ It drove women frantic,
+ And made them romantic,
+And wore all the hair off his cheek.
%
-There was a young man of Dumfries
-Who said to his girl, "If you please,
- It would give me great bliss
- If, while playing with this,
-You would pay some attention to these!"
+There was a young fellow named Morgan
+Who possessed an unusual organ:
+ The end of his dong,
+ Which was nine inches long,
+Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
%
-There was a young man of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- So long was his tool
- That it wound round a spool,
-And he let it out inach by inach.
+There was a young fellow named Paul
+Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
+ But the size of my prick
+ Is God's dirtiest trick,
+For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
%
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
- Making love in a ditch
- To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
+There was a young fellow named Pell
+Who didn't like cunt very well.
+ He would finger or fuck one,
+ But never would suck one--
+He just couldn't get used to the smell.
%
-Once a young gay from Khartoum,
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
- They argued all night
- Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+There was a young fellow named Price
+Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
+ He had virgins and boys
+ And mechanical toys,
+And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
%
-There was a young man of Khartoum,
-The strength of whose balls was his doom.
- So strong was his shootin',
- The third law of Newton
-Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
+There was a young fellow named Prynne
+Whose prick was so short and so thin,
+ His wife found she needed
+ A Fuckoscope -- she did --
+To see if he'd gotten it in.
%
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
- He not only fucked her,
- But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
+There was a young fellow named Skinner
+Who took a young lady to dinner
+ At a quarter to nine,
+ They sat down to dine,
+At twenty to ten it was in her.
+The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
+
+There was a young fellow named Tupper
+Who took a young lady to supper.
+ At a quarter to nine,
+ They sat down to dine,
+And at twenty to ten it was up her.
+Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
%
-There was a young man of Kildare
-Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
- The bannister broke,
- But he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
+There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
+Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
+ The hatch of her snatch,
+ Had a catch that would latch,
+She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
-There was a young man of Kutki
-Who could blink himself off with one eye.
- For a while though, he pined,
- When his organ declined
-To function, because of a stye.
+There was a young fellow named dick
+Who had a magnificent prick.
+ It was shaped like a prism
+ And shot so much gism
+It made every cocksucker sick.
%
-There was a young man of Lahore
-Whose prick was one inch and no more.
- It was all right for key-holes
- And little girl's pee-holes,
-But not worth a damn with a whore.
+There was a young fellow of Burma
+Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
+ But now that he's married he's
+ Been using cantharides
+And the root of their love is much firmer.
%
-There was a young man of Lake Placid
-Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
- When he wanted to sport
- He would have to resort
-To injections of sulphuric acid.
+There was a young fellow of Greenwich
+Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
+ He had such a tool
+ It was wound on a spool,
+And he reeled it out inich by inich.
+
+But this tale has an unhappy finich,
+For due to the sand in the spinach
+ His ballocks grew rough
+ And wrecked his wife's muff,
+And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
%
-There was a young man of Madras
-Whose balls were constructed of brass.
- When jangled together
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
+There was a young fellow of Harrow
+Whose john was the size of a marrow.
+ He said to his tart,
+ "How's this for a start?
+My balls are outside in a barrow."
%
-There was a young man of Missouri
-Who fucked with a terrible fury.
- Till hauled into court
- For his beastial sport,
-And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
+There was a young fellow of Kent
+Whose prick was so long that it bent,
+ So to save himself trouble
+ He put it in double,
+And instead of coming he went.
%
-There was a young man of Natal
-And Sue was the name of his gal.
- One day, north of Aden,
- He got his hard rod in,
-And came clear up Suez Canal.
+There was a young fellow of Mayence
+Who fucked his own arse in defiance
+ Not only of custom
+ And morals, dad-bust him,
+But of most of the known laws of science.
%
-There was a young man of Natal
-Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
- Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
- Said he, "You be buggered!
-I like to fuck slow and I shall."
+There was a young fellow of Perth
+Whose balls were the finest on earth.
+ They grew to such size
+ That one won a prize,
+And goodness knows what they were worth.
%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Who let a girl play with his end.
- She took hold of Rover,
- And felt it all over,
-And it did what she didn't intend.
+There was a young fellow of Strensall
+Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
+ On the night of his wedding
+ It went through the bedding,
+And shattered the chamber utensil.
%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
- "It's no use, my duck,
- Interrupting our fuck,
-For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
+There was a young fellow of Warwick
+Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
+ For he could by election
+ Have triune erection:
+Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
%
-There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
-Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
- It was good for large whores,
- And for small dinosaurs,
-And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
+There was a young fellow whose dong
+Was prodigiously massive and long.
+ On each side of his whang
+ Two testes did hang
+That attracted a curious throng.
%
-There was a young man of Seattle
-Who bested a bull in a battle.
- With fire and gumption
- He assumed the bull's function,
-And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
+There was a young gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
+ A woman is fine,
+ And a sheep is divine,
+But a llama is Numero Uno."
%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+There was a young gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
+ Women are fine
+ And children devine,
+But the llama is numero uno."
%
-There was a young man of Tibet
--- And this is the strangest one yet --
- His prick was so long,
- And so pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
+There was a young girl from Annista
+Who dated a lecherous mister.
+ He fondled her titty,
+ Got one finger shitty,
+Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
%
-There was a young man of Toulouse
-Who had a deficient prepuce,
- But the foreskin he lacked
- He made up in his sac;
-The result was, his balls were too loose.
+There was a young girl from Decatur
+Who was raped by an alligator.
+ But no one quite knew
+ How she relished that screw,
+For after he screwed her, he ate her.
%
-There was a young man who appeared
-To his friends with a full growth of beard;
- They at once said, "Although
- We can't say why it's so,
-The effect is uncommonly weird."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young girl from Dundee,
+From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
+ No one ate the nice fruit,
+ To tell you the truth,
+Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
%
-There was a young man who said "God,
-I find it exceedingly odd,
- That the willow oak tree
- Continues to be,
-When there's no one about in the Quad."
-
-"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
-For I'm always about in the Quad;
- And that's why the tree,
- Continues to be,"
-Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
+There was a young girl from East Lynn
+Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
+ Had filled up her crack
+ With hard-setting shellac,
+But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
-There was a young man with a fiddle
-Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
- She replied, "Yes, I do,
- But prefer to with two --
-It's twice as much fun in the middle."
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Who said, "You are utterly wrong
+ To say my vagina
+ Is the largest in China
+Just because of your mean little dong."
%
-There was a young man with a prick
-Which into his wife he would stick
- Every morning and night
- If it stood up all right --
-Not a very remarkable trick.
-
-His wife had a nice little cunt:
-It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
- And with this she would fuck him,
- Though sometimes she'd suck him --
-A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+ She said with a yell,
+ As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%
-There was a young man with one foot
-Who had a very long root.
- If he used this peg
- As an extra leg
-Is a question exceedingly moot.
+There was a young girl from Medina
+Who could completely control her vagina.
+ She could twist it around
+ Like the cunts that are found
+In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
%
-There was a young miss from Johore
-Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
- In a manner uncanny
- She'd wobble her fanny,
-And drain your nuts dry to the core.
+There was a young girl from New York
+Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
+ A woodpecker or two
+ Made the grade it is true,
+But it totally baffled the stork.
+
+Till along came a man who presented
+A tool that was strangely indented.
+ With a dizzying twirl
+ He punctured that girl,
+And thus was the cork-screw invented.
%
-There was a young monk from Siberia
-Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
- Till he did to a nun
- What shouldn't be done
-And made her a mother superia'.
+There was a young girl from New York
+Who plugged up her quim with a cork
+ A woodpecker or two
+ Made the grade, it is true,
+But it totally baffled the stork.
%
-There was a young monk from Tibet
-And this is the damnedest one yet
- His cock was so long
- And incredibly strong
-That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who had nothing whatever to do.
+ So she sat on the stairs,
+ And counted cunt hairs,
+Four thousand, three hundred and two.
%
-There was a young monk in Siberia,
-Whose morals were very inferior,
- He jumped on a nun
- Which he shouldn't have done,
-And now she's a Mother Superior.
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who noticed her lovers were few;
+ So she walked out her door
+ With a fig leaf, no more,
+And now she's in bed - with the flu.
%
-There was a young monk of Dundee
-Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
- He said, "Pax vobiscum,
- Now why won't the piss come?
-I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
+There was a young girl from Samoa
+Who pledged that no man would know her.
+ One young fellow tried,
+ But she wriggled aside,
+And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
%
-There was a young parson of Harwich,
-Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
- She said, "No, you young goose,
- Just try self-abuse.
-And the other we'll try after marriage."
+There was a young girl from Seattle,
+Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
+ But a bull from the South
+ Shot a wad in her mouth
+That made both her ovaries rattle.
%
-There was a young peasant named Gorse
-Who fell madly in love with his horse.
- Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
- That horse is a stallion --
-This constitutes grounds for divorce."
+There was a young girl from Siam
+Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
+ "To seduce me, of course,
+ You'll have to use force,
+And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
%
-There was a young person of Kent
-Who was famous wherever he went.
- All the way through a fuck,
- He would quack like a duck,
-And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
+There was a young girl from St. Cyr
+Whose reflex reactions were queer.
+ Her escort said, "Mable,
+ Get up off the table;
+That money's to pay for the beer."
%
-There was a young physicist named Fisk
-Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
- So quick was his action,
- The Lorentz Contraction
-Shortened his rod to a disc !!
+There was a young girl from St. Paul
+Who went to a newspaper ball.
+ Her dress caught on fire
+ And burnt her entire
+Front page and sport section and all.
%
-There was a young plumber named Lee
-Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
- She said, "Stop your plumbing,
- There's somebody coming"
-Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
+There was a young girl from the Bronix
+Who had a vagina of onyx.
+ She had so much `tsoris'
+ With her clitoris,
+She traded it in for a Packard.
%
-There was a young poet named Dan,
-Whose poetry never would scan.
- When told this was so,
- He said, "Yes, I know,
-It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can."
+There was a young girl from the coast
+Who, just when she needed it most,
+ Lost her Kotex and bled
+ All over the bed,
+And the head and the beard of her host.
%
-There was a young royal marine,
-Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
- When he reached the soprano
- Out came only guano
-And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who eked out a living through sin.
+ She didn't mind fucking,
+ But much preferred sucking,
+And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
%
-There was a young sailor from Brighton
-Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
- She replied, "'Pon my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole
-There's plenty of room in the right'un."
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
+ Though he diddled his best,
+ And fucked her with zest,
+She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
%
-There was a young sapphic named Anna
-Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
- Which she sucked, bit by bit,
- From her partner's warm slit,
-In the most approved lesbian manner.
+There was a young girl in Dakota
+Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
+ "In addition to gas
+ We are rationing ass,
+And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
%
-There was a young Scot in Madrid
-Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
- When they said, "Are you faint?"
- He replied, "No, I ain't,
-But I don't feel as good as I did."
+There was a young girl name McKnight
+Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
+ She came to in bed,
+ With a split maidenhead--
+That's the last time she ever was tight.
%
-There was a young soldier from Munich
-Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
- And their chops girls would lick
- When they thought of his prick,
-But alas! he was only a eunuch.
+There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
+Who swore that no man could surprise her.
+ But Pabst took a chance,
+ Found a Schlitz in her pants,
+And now she is sadder Budweiser.
%
-There was a young sportsman named Peel
-Who went for a trip on his wheel;
- He pedalled for days
- Through crepuscular haze,
-And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young girl named Heather
+Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
+ She made a queer noise,
+ Which attracted the boys,
+By flapping the edges together.
%
-There was a young squaw of Wohunt
-Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
- It had many odd uses,
- Produced no papooses,
-And fitted both giant and runt.
+There was a young girl named McCall
+Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
+ But the size of her anus
+ Was something quite heinous --
+It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
%
-There was a young student from Yale
-Who was getting his first piece of tail.
- He shoved in his pole,
- But in the wrong hole,
-And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
+There was a young girl named O'Clare
+Whose body was covered with hair.
+ It was really quite fun
+ To probe with one's gun,
+For her quimmy might be anywhere.
%
-There was a young trollop at Yale,
-Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
- And on her behind,
- For the sake of the blind,
-A duplicate version in Braille.
+There was a young girl named O'Malley
+Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
+ She got roars of applause
+ When she kicked off her drawers,
+But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+ She said, "It's a sin,
+ But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%
-There was a young woman called Pearl
-Who quite resembled a churl;
- When she asked a young man named Tex
- Whether he would like to have sex,
-"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
+ She tickled the balls
+ Of the men in the halls,
+And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
%
-There was a young woman from Bude,
-Who went for a swim in the nude,
- But a man in a punt,
- Grabbed at her elbow,
-And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
+ The miller's sun, Jack,
+ Laid her flat on her back,
+And united the organs they pissed with.
%
-There was a young woman in Dee
-Who stayed with each man she did see.
- When it came to a test
- She wished to be best,
-And practice makes perfect, you see.
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+ From the love-making frock
+ (With the proper sized cock)
+Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
%
-There was a young woman named Alice
-Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
- She said, "I do this
- From a great need to piss,
-And not from sectarian malice."
+There was a young girl of Asturias
+With a penchant for practices curious.
+ She loved to bat rocks
+ With her gentlemen's cocks --
+A practice both rude and injurious.
%
-There was a young woman named Ells
-Who was subject to curious spells
- When got up very oddly,
- She'd cry out things ungodly
-by the palms in expensive hotels.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young girl of Batonger
+who diddled herself with a conger,
+ When asked how it feels
+ To be pleasured by eels
+She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
+%
+There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
+Had a very capricious vagina:
+ To the shock of the fucker
+ "Twould suddenly pucker,
+And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
%
-There was a young woman named Florence
-Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
- But they found her in bed
- With her cunt flaming red,
-And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
+There was a young girl of Cape Cod
+Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
+ But it wasn't Jehovah
+ That turned the girl over,
+'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
+ the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
%
-There was a young woman named Plunnery
-Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
- Till one day unobservant,
- She blew up a servant,
-And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young girl of Cape Town
+Who usually fucked with a clown.
+ He taught her the trick
+ Of sucking his prick,
+And when it went up -- she went down.
%
-There was a young woman named Sutton
-Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
- "My father preferred
- The last sheep in the herd --
-This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
+There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
+Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
+ She was fucked at the show
+ In the twenty-third row,
+And once more going home in the taxi.
%
-There was a young woman of Cheadle,
-Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
- Said she, "Does it itch?"
- "It does, you damned bitch,
-And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+ There was never a sound
+ For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
%
-There was a young woman of Condover
-Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
- Her pussy was juicy,
- Her arse soft and goosey,
-But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
+There was a young girl of Des Moines
+Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
+ Till a guy from Hoboken
+ Went and dropped in a token,
+And now she rides free on the ferry.
%
-There was a young woman of Croft
-Who played with herself in a loft,
- Having reasoned that candles
- Could never cause scandals,
-Besides which they did not go soft.
+There was a young girl of Detroit
+Who at fucking was very adroit:
+ She could squeeze her vagina
+ To a pin-point, or finer,
+Or open it out like a quoit.
-Said another young woman of Croft,
-Amusing herself in the loft,
- "A salami or wurst
- Is what I'd choose first --
-With bologna you know you've been boffed."
+And she had a friend named Durand
+Whose cock could contract or expand.
+ He could diddle a midge
+ Or the arch of a bridge --
+Their performance together was grand!
%
-There was a young woman, quite handsome,
-Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
- When she offered much gold
- For release, she was told
-That the view was worth more than the ransom.
+There was a young girl of East Lynne
+Whose mother, to save her from sin,
+ Had filled up her crack,
+ To the brim with shellac,
+But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
-There was a young woman whose stammer
-Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
- But they were not improved
- When her husband was moved
-To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young girl of Gibraltar
+Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
+ It really seems odd
+ That a virtuous God
+Should answer her prayers and assault her.
%
-There was an old abbess quite shocked
-To find nuns where the candles were locked.
- Said the abbess, "You nuns
- Should behave more like guns,
-And never go off till you're cocked."
+There was a young girl of LLewellyn
+Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
+ They were big it is true,
+ But her cunt was big too,
+Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
+Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
%
-There was an old bishop from Buckingham
-Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
- His wife with distain
- Could scarcely restrain
-That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
+There was a young girl of Mobile,
+Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
+ To give her a thrill,
+ Took a rotary drill,
+Or a number nine emery wheel.
%
-There was an old count of Swoboda
-Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
- So, with great savoir-faire,
- She stood on a chair
-And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
+There was a young girl of Moline
+Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
+ She would work on a prick
+ With every known trick,
+And finish by winking it clean.
%
-There was an old curate of Hestion
-Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
- But so small was his tool
- He could scarce screw a spool,
-And a cunt was quite out of the question.
+There was a young girl of Newcastle
+Whose charms were declared universal.
+ While one man in front
+ Wired into her cunt,
+Another was engaged at her arsehole.
%
-There was an old fellow named Art
-Who awoke with a horrible start,
- For down by his rump
- Was a generous lump
-Of what should have been just a fart.
+There was a young girl of Pawtucket
+Whose box was as big as a bucket.
+ Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
+ I'll have to wear boots,
+For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
%
-There was an old fellow named Skinner
-Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
- But still, by and large,
- It would always discharge
-Once he could just get it in her.
+There was a young girl of Penzance
+Who boarded a bus in a trance.
+ The passengers fucked her,
+ Likewise the conductor,
+While the driver shot off in his pants.
%
-There was an old feminine blighter
-Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
- She would cream her own pool
- While she sucked off his tool --
-How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
+There was a young girl of Pitlochry
+Who was had by a man in a rockery.
+ She said, "Oh! You've come
+ All over my bum;
+This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
%
-There was an old gent from Kentuck
-Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
- But he put it away
- For fear that one day
-He might put it in and get stuck.
+There was a young girl of Rangoon
+Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
+ "Well, it has been great fun,"
+ She remarked when he'd done,
+"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
%
-There was an old girl of Kilkenny
-Whose usual charge was a penny.
- For half of that sum
- You could finger her bum--
-A source of amusement to many.
+There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
+Whose people all thought her a virgin,
+ Till they found her in bed
+ With her twat very red,
+And the head of a kid just emergin'.
%
-There was an old harlot from Dijon
-Who in her old age got religion.
- "When I'm dead & gone,"
- Said she, "I'll take on
-The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
+There was a young girl who begat
+Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
+ T'was fun in the breeding
+ But hell in the feeding
+When she found there's no tit for Tat.
%
-There was an old hermit named Dave
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- He said "I'll admit
- I'm a bit of a shit,
-But look at the money I save."
+There was a young girl who begat
+Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
+ It was fun in the breeding,
+ But hell in the feeding,
+When she found there was no tit for Tat.
%
-There was an old lady of Bingly
-Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
- I thought I had got
- A bloke for my twat,
-But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
+There was a young girl, very sweet,
+Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
+ When she sat on their lap
+ She unbuttoned their flap,
+And always had plenty to eat.
%
-There was an old lady of Glascow,
-Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
- At nine-thirty, about,
- The lights all went out,
-Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
+There was a young harlot from Kew
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They'll pay to get out of it too."
%
-There was an old lady of Kewry
-Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
- The `introitus vaginae',
- Was unnaturally tiny,
-And the thought of it filled her with fury.
+There was a young harlot named Schwartz
+Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
+ And they tickled so nice
+ She drew a high price
+From the studs at the summer resorts.
+
+Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
+Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
+ For according to rumor
+ His tool had a tumor
+And a fine row of warts down the middle.
+%
+There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
+Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
+ The knob out in front
+ Attracted foul cunt
+Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
+%
+There was a young idler named Blood,
+Made a fortune performing at stud,
+ With a fifteen-inch peter,
+ A double-beat metre,
+And a load like the Biblical Flood.
%
-There was an old lady who lay
-With her legs wide apart in the hay,
- Then, calling the ploughman,
- She said, "Do it now, man!
-Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
+There was a young lad - name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
-There was an old maid from Cape Cod
-Who thought all good things came from god.
- But it wasn't the almighty
- Who lifted her nighty,
-It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
+There was a young lad from Nahant
+Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
+ When asked, "Do you fuck?"
+ He replied, "No such luck.
+I would if I could but I can't."
%
-There was an old man from Bengal
-Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
- His favorite trick
- Was to stand on his dick
-While he rolled around on one ball.
+There was a young lad from Siam,
+Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
+ He loved them real small,
+ 'Cause they're funner to ball,
+So he went out and bought him a lamb!
%
-There was an old man from Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose
- Or his fingers and toes
-And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan!
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
-There was an old man from Fort Drum
-Whose son was incredibly dumb.
- When he urged him ahead,
- He went down instead,
-For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
+There was a young lad name of Ward
+Who strung himself up with a cord
+ Said he, of his work
+ (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
+"I am leaving because I am bored."
+ - E.A. Guest
%
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
-"What care I for this shortage of gum?
- My favorite chew
- Is a condom or two,
-With a goodly amount of fresh come."
+There was a young lad named McFee
+Who was stung in the balls by a bee
+ He made oodles of money
+ By oozing pure honey
+Every time he attempted to pee.
%
-There was an old man of Alsace
-Who played the trombone with his ass.
- He put in a trap
- To take out the crap,
-But the vapors corroded the brass.
+There was a young lady at sea
+Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
+ Said the brawny old mate,
+ "That accounts for the state
+Of the cook and the captain and me."
%
-There was an old man of Brienz
-The length of whose cock was immense:
- With one swerve he could plug
- A boy's bottom in Zug,
-And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
+There was a young lady at sea
+Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
+ "I see," said the mate,
+ "That accounts for the state
+Of the captain, the purser, and me."
%
-There was an old man of Cajon
-Who never could get a good bone.
- With the aid of a gland
- It grew simply grand;
-Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
+There was a young lady called Ciss
+Who went to the river to piss.
+ A young man in a punt
+ Put his hand on her cunt;
+No wonder she thought it was bliss.
%
-There was an old man of Calcutta
-Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
- But all he could see
- Was his wife's bare knee,
-And the back of the bloke who was up her.
+There was a young lady from Bangor
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
+ She woke in dismay
+ When she heard the mate say:
+"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
%
-There was an old man of Connaught
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
+There was a young lady from Bright,
+Whose speed was much faster than light.
+ She went out one day
+ In a relative way
+And returned on the previous night.
%
-There was an old man of Duddee
-Who came home as drunk as could be.
- He wound up the clock
- With the end of his cock,
-And buggered his wife with the key.
+There was a young lady from Bristol
+Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
+ Said she, "It's all glass,
+ And as round as my ass,"
+And she farted as loud as a pistol.
%
-There was an old man of Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose
- And with fingers and toes,
-And he came through a hole in his tooth.
+There was a young lady from Brussels
+Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
+ She could easily plex them
+ And so interflex them
+As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
%
-There was an old man of Hong Kong
-Who never did anything wrong.
- He would lie on his back
- With his head in a sack
-And secretly finger his dong.
+There was a young lady from Drew
+Who ended her verse at line two.
%
-There was an old man of St. Bees,
-Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
- When asked, "Does it hurt?"
- He replied, "No, it doesn't.
-I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
- -- W.S. Gilbert
+There was a young lady from Dumfries
+Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
+ My navel's all bare,
+ So stick it in there,
+Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
%
-There was an old man of Tagore
-Whose tool was a yard long or more,
- So he wore the damn thing
- In a surgical sling
-To keep it from wiping the floor.
+There was a young lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
-There was an Old Man of the Mountain
-Who frigged himself into a fountain
- Fifteen times had he spent,
- Still he wasn't content,
-He simply got tired of the counting.
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+ While her lover lamented
+ The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+ But you knew from the view,
+ As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+There was a young lady from Munich
+Who had an affair with a eunuch.
+ At the height of their passion
+ He dealt her a ration
+From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
%
-There was an old man who said, "Tush!
-My balls always hang in the brush,
- And I fumble about,
- Half in and half out,
-With a pecker as limber as mush."
+There was a young lady from Norway
+Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
+ She told her young man,
+ "Get off the divan,
+I think I've discovered one more way "
%
-There was an old man with a beard
-Who said, "It is just what I feared!
- Two owls and a hen,
- Four larks and a wren
-Have all built their nests in my beard!"
+There was a young lady from Prentice
+Who had an affair with a dentist.
+ To make things easier
+ He used anesthesia,
+And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
%
-There was an old person of Ware
-Who had an affair with a bear.
- He explained, "I don't mind,
- For it's gentle and kind,
-But I wish it had slightly less hair."
+There was a young lady from Rheims
+Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
+ A friend poked around
+ And a fly-button found
+Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates
- He fell on his cutlass
- Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
+There was a young lady from Rio
+Who slept with the Fornier trio.
+ As she dropped her panties
+ She said, "No andanties
+I want this allegro con brio."
%
-There was an old satyr named Mack
-Whose prick had a left handed tack.
- If the ladies he loves
- Don't spin when he shoves,
-Their cervixes frequently crack.
+There was a young lady from Siam
+Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
+ "You may kiss me of course,
+ But you'll have to use force.
+Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
%
-There was an old Scot named McTavish
-Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
- The object of rape
- Was the wrong sex of ape,
-And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who demurely undressed on a train.
+ A helpful young porter
+ Helped more than he orter,
+And she promptly cried "Help me again"
%
-There was an old whore from Silesia
-Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
- For a slight extra sum
- You can go up my bum
-But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who got sick as she rode on a train;
+ Not once, but again,
+ And again, and again,
+And again, and again, and again.
%
-There was an old whore in the Azores
-Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
- Why the dogs in the street
- Wouldn't eat the green meat
-That hung in festoons from her drawers.
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Whose face was exceedingly plain,
+ But her cunt had a pucker
+ That made the men fuck her,
+Again, and again, and again.
%
-There was an old woman of Ghent
-Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
- She got fucked so often
- At last she got rotten,
-And didn't she stink when she spent.
+There was a young lady from Troy
+Had a moustache, just like a young boy
+ Though it tickled to kiss
+ 'Twas a source of much bliss
+When she used it to brush a man's toy.
%
-There was once a mechanic named Bench
-Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
- With this vibrant device
- He could reach, in a trice,
-The innermost parts of a wench.
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
+ But a cynic named Boris
+ Just touched her clitoris
+And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
%
-There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife--
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is, they all do it well.
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who had a peculiar feeling.
+ She laid on her back
+ And tickled her crack
+And pissed all over the ceiling.
%
-There were three ladies of Huxham,
-And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
- And when that game grows stale
- We sits on a rail,
-And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
+There was a young lady from Wooster
+Who complained that too many men gooster.
+ So she traded her scanties
+ For sandpaper panties,
+Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
%
-There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
-And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And tickled the cock
-Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
-
-Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
-He'd been to a good public school,
- So he took down their britches
- And buggered those bitches
-With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
-
-Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
-And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
- "The vicar is quicker
- And thicker and slicker,
-And longer and stronger than you."
- -- Abuses of the Clergy
+There was a young lady in Reno,
+Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
+ But she lay on her back,
+ And opened her crack,
+So now she owns the Casino!
%
-There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
-Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
- It's deep and it's wide,
- -- You can curl up inside
-With a nice easy chair and a book.
+There was a young lady named Alice
+Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
+ 'Twas the common belief
+ It was done for relief,
+And not out of protestant malice.
%
-There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
-Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
- But now--it's appallin'--
- My balls always fall in!
-I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
+There was a young lady named Astor
+Who never let any get past her.
+ She finally got plenty
+ By stopping twenty,
+Which certainly ought to last her.
%
-There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
-Whose manners are odd and demanding.
- It's one of her jests
- To suck off her guests --
-She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
+There was a young lady named Banker,
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
+ She woke in dismay,
+ When she heard the mate say,
+"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
%
-There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
-Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
- But her cunt's got a pucker
- That's best not to fuck, or
-When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
+There was a young lady named Blount
+Who had a rectangular cunt.
+ She learned for diversion
+ Posterior perversion,
+Since no one could fit here in front.
%
-There's a rather odd couple in Herts
-Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
- Their sex is in doubt
- For they're never without
-Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady named Bower
+Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
+ But a poet from Perth
+ Laid her flat on the earth,
+And proceeded with penis to plough her.
%
-There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
-Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
- In the shell Sue is great,
- But her boyfriend's irate,
-When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
+There was a young lady named Brent
+With a cunt of enormous extent,
+ And so deep and so wide,
+ The acoustics inside
+Were so good you could hear when you spent.
%
-There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
-By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
- In her striving to please,
- She serves ale on her knees,
-So the patrons get head with their draft.
+There was a young lady named Bright
+Who could travel much faster than light.
+ She took off one day,
+ In a relative way,
+And returned on the previous night.
%
-There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
-Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
- The seniors go round
- Hanging down to the ground,
-And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
+There was a young lady named Brook
+Who never could learn how to cook.
+ But on a divan
+ She could please any man-
+She knew every darn trick in the book!
%
-There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
-Since his shocking perversions are various...
- He will bugger some lad
- With a dildo (the cad!)
-While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
+There was a young lady named Cager
+Who, as the result of a wager,
+ Consented to fart
+ The entire oboe part
+Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
%
-There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
-Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
- When one pireg is shot,
- There's that alternate twat,
-But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
+There was a young lady named Ciss
+Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
+ But she'll never restate,
+ For a wheel off her skate
+.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
%
-There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
-Who insists on a dozen a night.
- A fellow named Cheddar
- Had the brashness to wed her-
-His chance of survival is slight.
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+ At least so I thought
+ Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%
-There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
-Exceedingly hard to get onto,
- But when you get there,
- And have parted the hair,
-You can fuck her as much as you want to.
+There was a young lady named Dot
+Whose cunt was so terribly hot
+ That ten bishops of Rome
+ And the Pope's private gnome
+Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
%
-They had come in the fugue to the stretto
-When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
- Slipped forward and grabbed
- Her tresses and stabbed
-Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady named Duff
+With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
+ In his haste to get in her
+ One eager beginner
+Lost both of his balls in the rough.
%
-Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
-Was to do what man normally does,
- She declared, "I'm a Soul-
- Not a sexual goal!"
-So he shrugged and called someone who was.
+There was a young lady named Etta
+Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
+ Three reasons she had:
+ To keep warm wasn't bad,
+But the other two reasons were betta.
%
-Though most of the crewmen are whites,
-Uhura has full equal rights.
- Her crewmates, you see,
- Love De-mo-cra-cy,
-And the way that she fills out her tights.
+There was a young lady named Fleager
+Who was terribly, terribly eager
+ To be all the rage
+ On the tragedy stage,
+Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-Though the invalid Saint of Brac
-Lay all of his life on his back,
- His wife got her share,
- And the pilgrims now stare
-At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
+There was a young lady named Flo
+Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
+ So they tried it all night,
+ Till he got it just right...
+Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
%
-'Tis a custom in Castellamare
-To fuck in the back of a lorry.
- The chassis and springs
- Are like woodwinds and strings
-In the midst of a musical soiree.
+There was a young lady named Flynn
+Who thought fornication a sin,
+ But when she was tight
+ It seemed quite all right,
+So everyone filled her with gin.
%
-To a weepy young woman in Thrums
-Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
- Of allowing your tears
- To fall into my ears -
-I think they have rotted the drums."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady named Gilda
+Who went on a date with a builder.
+ He said that he would,
+ And he could and he should,
+And he did and it damn well near killed her.
%
-To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
-Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
- He constructed a bed
- Out of tree trunks and said,
-"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
+There was a young lady named Gloria
+Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
+ And then by six men,
+ Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
-To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
-Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
- She replied, "Why, you fool,
- With your limp little tool
-It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
+There was a young lady named Gloria,
+Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
+ She replied to the chap,
+ "I'll draw you a map,
+Of where others have been to before ya."
%
-To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
-"I trust you will show some forbearance.
- My sexual habits
- I picked up from rabbits,
-And occasionally watching my parents."
+There was a young lady named Grace
+Who would not take a prick in her "place."
+ Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
+ She never would fuck it--
+She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
%
-To his bride said economist Fife :
-"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
- We will salvage and freeze
- To resemble goat's cheese,
-And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+ The dress caught on fire
+ And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
%
-To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Has the east tit the least bit
- The best of the west tit,
-Or is it the faulty perspective?"
+There was a young lady named Hatch
+Who would always come through in a scratch.
+ If a guy wouldn't neck her,
+ She'd grab up his pecker
+And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
%
-To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Is your east tit the least bit
- The best of your west tit,
-Or is it a trick of perspective?"
+There was a young lady named Mable
+Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
+ Then cry to her man,
+ "Stuff in all you can --
+Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
%
-To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
-As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
- "Your mother's behaviour
- Gave pain to Our Saviour,
-And that's why He made you a cripple."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady named Mandel
+Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
+ By coming out bare
+ On the main village square
+And frigging herself with a candle.
%
-Two anglers were fishing off Wight
-And his bobber was dipping all night.
- Murmured she, with a laugh,
- "It's ready to gaff,
-But don't break your rod which is light."
-
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-
-As two consular clerks in Madras
-Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
- "What a marvelous pole,"
- Said she, "but control
-Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
+There was a young lady named Maud,
+A terrible society fraud:
+ In company, I'm told,
+ She was distant and cold,
+But if you got her alone, Oh God!
%
-Two eager young men from Cawnpore
-Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
- But her partition split
- And the blood and the shit
-Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
+There was a young lady named May
+Who strolled in a park by the way,
+ And she met a youg man
+ Who fucked her and ran --
+Now she goes to the park every day.
%
-Two roosters in one of our pens
-Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
- As they looked at their foreskins
- And wished they had more skins,
-They discovered they'd both become hens.
+There was a young lady named Nance
+Who learned about fucking in France,
+ And when you'd insert it
+ She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
+And shoved it right back in your pants.
%
-Under the spreading chestnut tree
-The village smith he sat,
- Amusing himself
- By abusing himself
-And catching the load in his hat.
+There was a young lady named Nelly
+Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
+ They could tickle her twat
+ Or be tied in a knot,
+And could even swat flies on her belly.
%
-Une joile epousetta a Tours
-Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
- Mais le mari disait, "Non!
- De trop n'est pas bon!
-Mon derriere exige du secours!"
+There was a young lady named Ransom
+Who was raped three times in a hansom
+ When she cried out for more
+ Said a voice from the floor,
+"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
%
-Visas erat: huic geminarum
-Dispar modus testicularum:
- Minor haec nihili,
- Palma triplici,
-Jam fecerat altera clarum.
+There was a young lady named Ransom
+Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
+ When she cried out for more
+ A voice from the floor
+Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
%
-We dedicate this to the cunt,
-The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
- All hail to the twat,
- Willing, thrilling, and hot,
-That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
+There was a young lady named Riddle
+Who had an untouchable middle.
+ She had many friends
+ Because of her ends,
+Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
%
-When I was a baby, my penis
-Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
- But now 'tis as red
- As her nipples instead--
-All because of the feminine genus!
+There was a young lady named Rose
+Who fainted whenever she chose;
+ She did so one day
+ While playing croquet,
+But was quickly revived with a hose.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
-Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
- "Was he modest or vain?"
- "Was he regal or plain?"
-She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
+There was a young lady named Rose
+With erogenous zones in her toes.
+ She remained onanistic
+ Till a foot-fetishistic
+Young man became one of her beaux.
%
-When you fuck little Annie in Anza
-You get a great bossom bonanza:
- Sucking Annie's soft tits
- Makes her throw fifty fits,
-And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
+There was a young lady named Schneider
+Who often kept trysts with a spider.
+ She found a strange bliss,
+ In the hiss of her piss,
+As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
%
-While his duchess lay practically dead,
-The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
- "Can it be this is all?
- How puny! How small!
-Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady named Smith
+Whose virtue was largely a myth.
+ She said, "Try as I can
+ I can't find a man
+Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+ For it tickled her bum
+ And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
%
-While out on a date in his Fiat,
-The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
- As he bent down to seek,
- She let out a shriek:
-"That's not where it's likely to be at."
+There was a young lady named Wylde
+Who kept herself quite undefiled
+ By thinking of Jesus;
+ Contagious diseases;
+And the bother of having a child.
%
-While spending the winter at Pau
-Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
- So the head-porter made her
- And the second-cook laid her;
-The waiters were all hanging low.
+There was a young lady of Arden,
+The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
+ Said she with a frown,
+ "I've been sadly let down
+By the tool of a fool in a garden."
%
-While Titian was mixing rose madder,
-His model reclined on a ladder.
- Her position to Titian
- Suggested coition,
-So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
+There was a young lady of Bicester
+Who was nicer by far than her sister:
+ The sister would giggle
+ And wiggle and jiggle,
+But this one would come if you kissed her.
%
-While travelling in farthest Tibet,
-Lord Irongate found cause to regret
- The buttered-up tea,
- A pain in his knee,
-And the frivolous tourists he met.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady of Brabant
+Who slept with an impotent savant.
+ She admitted, "We shouldn't,
+ But it turned out he couldn't-
+So you can't say we have when we haven't."
+%
+There was a young lady of Bude
+Who walked down the street in the nude.
+ A bobby said, "Whattum
+ Magnificent bottom!"
+And slapped it as hard as he could.
%
-Winter is here with his grouch,
-The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
- You can't take your women
- Canoein' or swimmin',
-But a lot can be done on a couch.
+There was a young lady of Carmia
+Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
+ At every cold snap
+ She would climb in your lab,
+So her little base burner could warm ya.
%
-With his penis in turgid erection,
-And aimed at woman's mid-section,
- Man looks most uncouth
- In that Moment of Truth,
-But she sheathes it with loving affection.
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Who went down to the river to pee.
+ A man in a punt
+ Put his hand on her cunt,
+And God! how I wish it were me.
%
-You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
-But dependent on men you must be:
- You'll need a him
- With a rod firm and trim,
-To puggle your water-drains free!
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Whose hymen was split into three.
+ And when she was diddled
+ The middle string fiddled :
+"Nearer My God To Thee."
%
-Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
-To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
- If you'll come to my palace,
- I'll finger your phallus,
-And then I shall blow on your flute."
+There was a young lady of Dexter
+Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
+ For whenever they'd start
+ He'd unfailingly fart
+With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
%
-You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
-Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
- He buggers the choir
- As they sing "Ave Maria,"
-And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
+There was a young lady of Dover
+Whose passion was such that it drove her
+ To cry, when you came,
+ "Oh dear! What a shame!
+Well, now we shall have to start over."
%
-On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tattooed the price of her tail
- And on her behind,
- For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information in Braille.
+There was a young lady of Ealing
+And her lover before her was kneeling.
+ Said she, "Dearest Jim,
+ Take your hands off my quim;
+I much prefer fucking to feeling."
%
-On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
-His girl got a yen for fellatio.
- As she sucked on his dingus
- He tried cunnilingus
-But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
+There was a young lady of Fez
+Who was known to the public as "Jez."
+ Jezebel was her name,
+ Sucking cocks was the game
+She excelled at (so everyone says).
%
-On day a Monterey daughter
-Did scuba down under the water.
- She later turned up
- The mom of a pup,
-And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+ The crabs, in a lump,
+ Made tracks to her rump -
+This passing parade did amaze her.
%
-Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
-"The men like to spread my two legs,
- Then slip in between,
- If you know what I mean,
-And leave me the white of their eggs."
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+ The crabs, in a lump,
+ Made tracks to her rump--
+This passing parade did amaze her.
%
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
-"This has been a most wonderful day.
- Three cherry tarts,
- At least twenty farts,
-Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
+There was a young lady of Gloucester
+Whose friends they thought they had lost her
+ Till they found on the grass
+ The marks of her arse,
+And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
%
-Said a girl who upon her divan
-Was attacked by a virile young man:
- "Such excess of passion
- Is quite out of fashion"
-And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady of Gloucester,
+Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
+ She wasn't much hurt,
+ But he dirtied her skirt,
+So think of the anguish it cost her.
%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
- But a fullback from State,
- Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
+There was a young lady of Kent,
+Who admitted she knew what it meant
+ When men asked her to dine,
+ And plied her with wine,
+She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
%
-Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
-When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
- "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
- And tease it, and please it,
-For Rome wasn't built in a day."
+There was a young lady of Lee
+Who scrambled up into a tree,
+ When she got there
+ Her arsehole was bare,
+And so was her C U N T.
%
-Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
-Of all the girls that I've had,
- None gave me the thrill
- Of real rapture until
-I learned how to be a tribade."
+There was a young lady of Lincoln
+Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
+ So she had a prick lent her
+ Which turned it magenta,
+This artful old lady of Lincoln.
%
-Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
-To a sailor just off of a barge,
- "We have one girl that's dead,
- With a hole in her head--
-Of course there's a slight extra charge."
+There was a young lady of Natchez
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
+ And she often said, "Shit!
+ Why, I'd give either tit
+For a man with equipment that matches."
+
+There was a young fellow named Locke
+Who was born with a two-headed cock.
+ When he'd fondle the thing
+ It would rise up and sing
+An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
+
+But whether these two ever met
+Has not been recorded as yet,
+ Still, it would be diverting
+ To see him inserting
+His whang while it sang a duet.
%
-Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
-I'm simply too shy and afraid
- To take part in your pranks.
- But to show you my thanks,
-I'd just love to become your first aide.
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+ She said to her beau
+ "Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
%
-Said a pornographistic young poet
-"Although I perhaps do not show it,
- My interest in sin
- Is wearing quite thin,
-And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
+There was a young lady of Rhyll
+In an omnibus was taken ill,
+ So she called the conductor,
+ Who got in and fucked her,
+Which did more good than a pill.
%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who took down her pants on a train.
+ There was a young porter
+ Saw more than he orter,
+And asked her to do it again.
%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
-"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
- Uhura said, "No,
- At night that's not so--
-He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
+ They did it again
+ And again and again,
+And again and again and again.
%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
- Let V be virginity
- Approaching infinity;
-Let P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let V over P be inverted
-With the square root of Mu inserted
- N times into V ...
- The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+There was a young lady of Twickenham
+Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
+ On her knees every day
+ To God she would pray
+To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
%
-Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
-Is leading me straight to perdition;
- But I haven't the strength
- To go to the length
-Of making an act of contrition."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young lady of Wheeling
+Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
+ My little brown jug
+ Has need of a plug" --
+And straightaway she started to peeling.
%
-Said President Jobcock one day :
-"War's better than love, I should say.
- Instead of a virgin,
- It's murder I'm urgin'--
-You get lots more blood that-a-way."
+There was a young lady of Wheeling
+Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
+ But a cynic named Boris
+ Just touched her clitoris,
+And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
%
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
-"Only infidel dogs put it in.
- Back home in Arabia
- We nibble the labia
-Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
+There was a young lady of fashion
+Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
+ To her lover she said,
+ As they climbed into bed,
+"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
+%
+There was a young lady who said,
+As her bridegroom got into the bed,
+ "I'm tired of this stunt,
+ That they do with one's cunt,
+You can get up my bottom instead."
%
-Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
- "This nautch is delicious,
- And without doubt nutritious.
-She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
+There was a young lady whose cunt
+Could accommodate a small punt.
+ Her mother said, "Annie,
+ It matches your fanny,
+Which never was that of a runt."
%
-Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
-"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
- I replied with some wit,
- "Do you belch when you shit?"
-I think that was one up for me.
+There was a young lady whose thighs,
+When spread showed a slit of such size,
+ And so deep and so wide,
+ You could play cards inside,
+Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
%
-Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
-"This must be our final adieu,
- For the vicar is slicker,
- And thicker, and quicker,
-And two inches longer than you."
+There was a young lass from Surat.
+The cheeks of her ass were so fat
+ That they had to be parted
+ Whenever she farted,
+And also whenever she shat.
%
-Saint Peter was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host :
- The Father and Son,
- And then - just for fun -
-The hole in the Holy Ghost.
+There was a young laundress named Wrangle
+Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
+ "They may tickle my chin,"
+ She said with a grin,
+"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
%
-The Enterprise crew when off work
-Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
- Uhura the Zulu
- Is shacked up with Sulu,
-And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
+There was a young maiden from Osset
+Whose quim was nine inches across it.
+ Said a young man named Tong,
+ With tool nine inches long,
+"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
%
-The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
-Have chased Spock for several years.
- His look of disdain
- Has spared them great pain,
-For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
+There was a young man from Bear Ridge
+Who had strange ideas about marriage.
+ He fucked his wife's mother
+ And sucked off her brother
+And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
%
-The Dowager Duchess of Spout
-Collapsed at the height of a rout;
- She found strength to say
- As they bore her away:
-"I should never have taken the trout."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
+ But the banister broke
+ So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
%
-The cruelest of creatures' the crab
-With claws that can pinch you or stab,
- And then when you dine
- On crab and white wine
-It gets you as well with the tab.
+There was a young man from Bengal
+Who claimed he had only one ball,
+ But two little bitches
+ Pulled down this man's breeches
+And proved he had nothing at all.
%
-The bustard's a remarkable fowl
-With surely no reason to growl
- He escapes what would be
- Illegitimacy
-By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
+There was a young man from Biloxi
+Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
+ Drinking glass after glass,
+ He would tune up his ass,
+Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
%
-The bishop of Alexandretta
-Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
- So he thought he'd enshrine her
- As the Holy Vagina
-In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
+There was a young man from Boston
+Who rode around in an Austin.
+ There was room for his ass
+ And a gallon of gas,
+But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
%
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
-They have kept me awake for a week.
- Why do newlyweds
- Select squeaky beds
-To develop their fucking technique?
+There was a young man from Calcutta
+Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
+ "If her Bartholin glands
+ Don't respond to my hands,
+I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
%
-That Harvard don down at El Djim --
-Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
- With the whole harem randy,
- The sheik himself handy,
-To muss up a young camel's quim.
+There was a young man from Dallas
+Who had an exceptional phallus.
+ He couldn't find room
+ In any girl's womb
+Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
%
-That naughty old Sappho of Greece
-Said: "What I prefer to a piece
- Is to have my pudenda
- Rubbed hard by the enda
-The little pink nose of my niece."
+There was a young man from Dundee
+Who buggered an ape in a tree.
+ The results were quite horrid:
+ All ass and no forehead,
+Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
-The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
-Do an act in the nude on their knees.
- They crawl down the aisle
- While screwing dog-style,
-As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
+There was a young man from East Lizes
+Whose balls were of two different sizes
+ One was so small
+ It was no ball at all
+The other was large and won prizes.
%
-The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
-Fell into the water baptismal;
- Ere they'd gathered its plight,
- It had sunk out of sight,
-For the depth of the font was abysmal.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man from East Wubley
+Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
+ Each quadruplicate shaft
+ Had two balls hanging aft,
+And the general effect was quite lovely.
+
+There was a young man from Hong Kong
+Who had a trifurcated prong:
+ A small one for sucking,
+ A large one for fucking,
+And a `boney' for beating a gong.
%
-Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
-She obliges all who accost her.
- She welcomes the prick
- Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
-Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
+There was a young man from Glengozzle
+Who found a remarkable fossil.
+ He knew by the bend
+ And the wart on the end,
+'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
%
-The fearless old bishop of Brest
-Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
- He fucked whores in the apse
- With chancres and claps,
-But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
+There was a young man from Jodhpur
+Who found he could easily cure
+ His dread diabetes
+ By eating a foetus
+Served up in a sauce of manure.
%
-The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
-Came to light with its face in its belly;
- Her second was born
- With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man from Kent
+Whose tool was so long that it bent.
+ To save himself trouble
+ He put it in double
+And instead of coming, he went.
%
-The genital area of Ann
-Will accommodate any size man,
- From the wee that cause titters
- To the mighty twat-splitters
-That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
+There was a young man from Lynn
+Whose cock was the size of a pin.
+ Said his girl with a laugh
+ As she felt his staff,
+"This won't be much of a sin."
%
-The Grecians were famed for fine art,
-And buildings and stonework so smart.
- They distinguished with poise
- The men from the boys,
-And used crowbars to keep them apart.
+There was a young man from Maine
+Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
+ It was almost as long,
+ So he strolled with his dong
+Extended in sunshine and rain.
%
-The King named Oedipus Rex
-Who started this fuss about sex
- Put the world to great pains
- By the spots and the stains
-Which he made on his mother's pubex.
+There was a young man from Nantucket
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+ But he looked in the glass,
+ And saw his own ass,
+And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
%
-The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
-To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
- And cried, "Oh, my dear,
- I am coming, I fear,
-But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
+There was a young man from New Haven
+Who had an affair with a raven.
+ He said with a grin
+ As he wiped off his chin,
+"Nevermore!"
%
-The kings of Peru were the Incas,
-Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
- They worshipped the sun
- And had lots of fun,
-But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
+There was a young man from Peru,
+Who took a long trip by canoe.
+ While staring at Venus,
+ And rubbing his penis,
+He wound up with a handful of goo.
%
-The moyel who treated young Alec
-Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
- Presented the child
- His aim was so wild
-He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
+There was a young man from Purdue
+Who was only just learning to screw,
+ But he hadn't the knack,
+ And he got too far back --
+In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
%
-The new cinematic emporium
-Is not just a super-sensorium,
- But a highly effectual
- Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
+There was a young man from Racine
+Who invented a fucking machine.
+ Concave or convex,
+ It served either sex,
+But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
- But a highly effectual
- Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
+There was a young man from Rangoon
+Who used to lament 'neath the moon
+ That he had the luck
+ To be born of a fuck
+That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
%
-The nipples of Sarah Sarong
-When excited are twelve inches long
- This embarrassed her lover
- Who was pained to discover
-She expected no less of his dong
+There was a young man from Salinas
+Who had an extremely long penis:
+ Believe it or not,
+ When he lay on his cot
+It reached from Marin to Martinez.
%
-The notorious Duchess of Peels
-Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
- Said she, "Would you mind? --
- Shove one up my behind.
-I am anxious to know how it feels."
+There was a young man from Seattle
+Whose testicles tended to rattle.
+ He said as he fuck-ed
+ Some stones in a bucket,
+"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
%
-The office brown-noser named Bunky
-Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
- But when the chips were all down,
- His proboscis was brown,
-And there hung many strands which were gunky.
+There was a young man from Siam
+Who said, "I go in with a wham,
+ But I soon lose my starch
+ Like the mad month of March,
+And the lion comes out like a lamb."
%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
- He knew from its bend
- And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+There was a young man from St. Paul's
+Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
+ Till he grew such a passion
+ For feminine fashion
+That he knitted a snood for his balls.
%
-The once was a man from Bombay
-Who modeled his cunts out of clay
- So hot was his prick
- That he turned them to brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+There was a young man from Stamboul
+Who boasted so torrid a tool
+ That each female crater
+ Explored by this satyr
+Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
%
-The partition of Vavasour Scowles
-Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
- In a firkin; his brain
- Was found clogging a drain,
-And his toes were inside of some towels.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man from Tibet-
+And this is the strangest one yet-
+ Whose tool was so long,
+ So pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
%
-The prick of the engineer, Scott,
-Fell off from Saturnian rot.
- He went to the basement
- And made a replacement
-Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
+There was a young man in Havana,
+Banged his girl on a player-piana.
+ At the height of their fever
+ Her ass hit the lever
+And: yes, he has no banana.
%
-The randy old Bey of Algiers
-Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
- Tried a cunt for a change,
- And remarked : "It felt strange ...
-Just think what I've missed all these years!"
+There was a young man in Norway,
+Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
+ But the air was so frigid
+ It froze his cock rigid,
+And all he could come was frappe.
%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a girl a most elegant creature.
- So she laid on her back
- And, exposing her crack,
-Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
+There was a young man in the choir
+Whose penis rose higher and higher,
+ Till it reached such a height
+ It was quite out of sight --
+But of course you know I'm a liar.
%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
- The hen, pleased with that,
- Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+ His wife was a bitch,
+ Yeah, she threw the switch,
+And Crockett went off like a rocket.
%
-The Shah of the Empire of Persia
-Lay for days in a sexual merger.
- When the nautch asked the Shah,
- "Won't you ever withdraw?"
-He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
+There was a young man named Hughes
+Who swore off all kinds of booze.
+ He said, "When I'm muddled
+ My senses get fuddled,
+And I pass up too many screws."
%
-The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
-At breakfast with horrid dismay,
- So he launched off the spoons
- The pits from his prunes
-At their heads as they neared the buffet.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man named Knute
+Who had warts all over his root.
+ He put acid on these
+ And now when he pees,
+He fingers the thing like a flute.
%
-The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
-Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
- That when posed on her toes
- She elaborately shows
-Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
+There was a young man named Laplace
+Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
+ When they banged together
+ They played "Stormy Weather"
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
-The spouse of a pretty young thing
-Came home from the wars in the spring.
- He was lame but he came
- With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wonderful thing.
+There was a young man named McNamiter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ But it wasn't the size
+ Gave the girls a surprise,
+But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
-The star of that X-rated hit
-Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
- This serves as a palace
- For each turgid phallus--
-Some say that the plot is pure shit.
+There was a young man named Rex
+Who really was small for his sex.
+ When tried for exposure
+ The judge's disclosure
+Was "de minimus non curat lex."
%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
- "For the semen must no
- Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+There was a young man named Zerubbabel
+Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
+ When they asked if his pleasure
+ Was only half measure,
+He replied, "That is highly improbable."
%
-The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
-And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
- He caught a big mouse
- Which he loosed in the house.
-(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
+There was a young man named Zerubbabub
+Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
+ But the pride of his life
+ Were the tits of his wife --
+One real, and one India-rubber bub.
%
-The wife of young Richard of Limerick
-Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
- Still grows in diameter
- Each time that you ram at her;
-How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
+There was a young man of Arras
+Who stretched himself out on the grass,
+ And with no little trouble,
+ He bent himself double,
+And stuck his prick well up his ass.
%
-The woman who lives on the moon
-Is still cherishing the balloon
- Of an earthling who'd come
- And given her some,
-But had dribbled away all too soon.
+There was a young man of Australia
+Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
+ He buggered a frog,
+ Two mice and a dog,
+And a bishop in fullest regalia.
%
-The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
-Is not merely reading a meter.
- By orders of Kirk
- A part of his work
-Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
+ I will suck, without charge,
+ Any cock, if it's large.
+If it's small, I expect to be paid."
%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who slept with a girl in the trade.
+ She said to him, "Jack,
+ Try the hole in the back;
+The front one is badly decayed."
%
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
- Told her Tante Louise
- That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
+There was a young man of Bengal
+Who swore he had only one ball,
+ But two little bitches
+ Unbuttoned his britches,
+And found he had no balls at all.
%
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
- He said, "You may scoff,
- But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man of Bombay
+Who buggered his dad once a day.
+ He said, "I like, rather,
+ Fucking my father --
+He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
- Shows his organs at large
- For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
+There was a young man of Calcutta,
+Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
+ When he got to c-u,
+ A pious Hindoo
+Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
- Though you may think it odd of me,
- I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+ And he wouldn't have been
+ If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
- But the sweetness of pitch
- Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
+There was a young man of Coblenz
+Whose ballocks were simply immense:
+ It took forty-four draymen,
+ A priest and three laymen
+To carry them thither and thence.
%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
- Decided one day
- That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+There was a young man of Darjeeling
+Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
+ In the electric light socket,
+ He'd put it and rock it--
+Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
- It had room for both hands
- And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+There was a young man of Devizes
+Whose balls were of different sizes.
+ His tool when at ease,
+ Hung down to his knees,
+Oh, what must it be when it rises!
%
-A clergical student named Simms
-Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
- A nice piece of ass
- Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
-All the others get Anglican hymns.
+There was a young man of Devizes,
+Whose balls were of different sizes.
+ One was so small,
+ It was nothing at all;
+The other took numerous prizes.
%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
- He wore a hair shirt,
- Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young man of Dumfries
+Who said to his girl, "If you please,
+ It would give me great bliss
+ If, while playing with this,
+You would pay some attention to these!"
%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
- On the twenty-third stroke
- The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
+There was a young man of Greenwich
+Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
+ So long was his tool
+ That it wound round a spool,
+And he let it out inach by inach.
%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
- On the twenty-third stroke
- The goddam thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
+There was a young man of Khartoum
+Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
+ He not only fucked her,
+ But buggered and sucked her--
+And left her to pay for the room.
%
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
- "On my minuscule salary
- I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+There was a young man of Khartoum,
+The strength of whose balls was his doom.
+ So strong was his shootin',
+ The third law of Newton
+Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
- It chewed up its cards
- And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
+There was a young man of Kildare
+Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
+ The bannister broke,
+ But he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
- But this output can be
- No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
- -- Gigo
+There was a young man of Kutki
+Who could blink himself off with one eye.
+ For a while though, he pined,
+ When his organ declined
+To function, because of a stye.
%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
- A foot cost a quid --
- He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+There was a young man of Lahore
+Whose prick was one inch and no more.
+ It was all right for key-holes
+ And little girl's pee-holes,
+But not worth a damn with a whore.
%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
- At a masquerade ball,
- Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+There was a young man of Lake Placid
+Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
+ When he wanted to sport
+ He would have to resort
+To injections of sulphuric acid.
%
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+There was a young man of Madras
+Whose balls were constructed of brass.
+ When jangled together
+ They played "Stormy Weather",
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
- He said, "No, I can't fuck
- A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+There was a young man of Missouri
+Who fucked with a terrible fury.
+ Till hauled into court
+ For his beastial sport,
+And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
- She was not oversexed,
- Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
+There was a young man of Natal
+And Sue was the name of his gal.
+ One day, north of Aden,
+ He got his hard rod in,
+And came clear up Suez Canal.
%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
- It was no good for girls
- But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
+There was a young man of Natal
+Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
+ Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
+ Said he, "You be buggered!
+I like to fuck slow and I shall."
%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
- It was good for keyholes
- And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Who let a girl play with his end.
+ She took hold of Rover,
+ And felt it all over,
+And it did what she didn't intend.
%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
- But is proudest of doing,
- Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
+ "It's no use, my duck,
+ Interrupting our fuck,
+For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
- She said, "It tastes nice,
- Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
+Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
+ It was good for large whores,
+ And for small dinosaurs,
+And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
%
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
- "I never could quite
- Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
+There was a young man of Seattle
+Who bested a bull in a battle.
+ With fire and gumption
+ He assumed the bull's function,
+And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
- And, in his depravity,
- Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+ But the loyal hall porter
+ Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
- Let his third-story front,
- To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+There was a young man of Tibet
+-- And this is the strangest one yet --
+ His prick was so long,
+ And so pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
- And prayed to her God
- For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+There was a young man of Toulouse
+Who had a deficient prepuce,
+ But the foreskin he lacked
+ He made up in his sac;
+The result was, his balls were too loose.
%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
- As quick as a glance
- He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+There was a young man of high station
+Who was found by a pious relation
+ Making love in a ditch
+ To -- I won't say a bitch --
+But a woman of no reputation.
%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+There was a young man who appeared
+To his friends with a full growth of beard;
+ They at once said, "Although
+ We can't say why it's so,
+The effect is uncommonly weird."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man who said "God,
+I find it exceedingly odd,
+ That the willow oak tree
+ Continues to be,
+When there's no one about in the Quad."
+
+"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
+For I'm always about in the Quad;
+ And that's why the tree,
+ Continues to be,"
+Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+There was a young man with a fiddle
+Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
+ She replied, "Yes, I do,
+ But prefer to with two --
+It's twice as much fun in the middle."
%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
- She blew her vagina
- To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+There was a young man with a prick
+Which into his wife he would stick
+ Every morning and night
+ If it stood up all right --
+Not a very remarkable trick.
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
- They found her vagina,
- In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
+His wife had a nice little cunt:
+It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
+ And with this she would fuck him,
+ Though sometimes she'd suck him --
+A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
- Wore the foreskin away
- On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+There was a young man with one foot
+Who had a very long root.
+ If he used this peg
+ As an extra leg
+Is a question exceedingly moot.
%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace;
- To make people afraid
- He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
+There was a young man, name of Fred,
+Who spent every Thursday in bed;
+ He lay with his feet
+ Outside of the sheet,
+And the pillows on top of his head.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
- To make people afraid
- He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
- -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+There was a young man, name of Saul,
+Who was able to bounce either ball,
+ He could stretch them and snap them,
+ And juggle and clap them,
+Which earned him the plaudits of all.
%
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
- "If you're caught unawares
- At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was a young miss from Johore
+Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
+ In a manner uncanny
+ She'd wobble her fanny,
+And drain your nuts dry to the core.
%
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
- Midst screeches and howls
- He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
+There was a young monk from Siberia
+Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
+ Till he did to a nun
+ What shouldn't be done
+And made her a mother superia'.
%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
- He brings home young camels
- And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
+There was a young monk from Tibet
+And this is the damnedest one yet
+ His cock was so long
+ And incredibly strong
+That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
- With maniacal howls,
- He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
+There was a young monk in Siberia,
+Whose morals were very inferior,
+ He jumped on a nun
+ Which he shouldn't have done,
+And now she's a Mother Superior.
%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
- To jail he did go,
- From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
+There was a young monk of Dundee
+Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
+ He said, "Pax vobiscum,
+ Now why won't the piss come?
+I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
- The thing circumcised him,
- Which rather surprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
+There was a young parson of Harwich,
+Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
+ She said, "No, you young goose,
+ Just try self-abuse.
+And the other we'll try after marriage."
%
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
- My secret's aversion,
- To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
- -- W.J. Wilson
+There was a young peasant named Gorse
+Who fell madly in love with his horse.
+ Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
+ That horse is a stallion --
+This constitutes grounds for divorce."
%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
- They were graded and spaced
- So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
+There was a young person of Kent
+Who was famous wherever he went.
+ All the way through a fuck,
+ He would quack like a duck,
+And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
%
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
- The result of this fuck
- Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+There was a young physicist named Fisk
+Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
+ So quick was his action,
+ The Lorentz Contraction
+Shortened his rod to a disc !!
%
-Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
-The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
- Her figurehead They filled his ass,
- A whore in bed, With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
-
-The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
-And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
- Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
- Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
-And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
-
-The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
-And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
- When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
- And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
-Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
+There was a young plumber named Lee
+Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
+ She said, "Stop your plumbing,
+ There's somebody coming"
+Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
%
-An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
-Saw sartorial changes ahead.
- His mind kept on ringing
- With fishy girls singing;
-Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
- -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+ When told this was so,
+ He said, "Yes, I know,
+It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can."
%
-And let me the canakin clink, clink;
-and let me the canakin clink.
- A soldier's a man;
- O, man's life's but a span,
-Why then, let a soldier drink.
+There was a young royal marine,
+Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
+ When he reached the soprano
+ Out came only guano
+And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
%
-Coitus upon a cadaver
-Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
- Her inanimate state
- Means a man needn't wait,
-And eliminates all the palaver.
+There was a young sailor from Brighton
+Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
+ She replied, "'Pon my soul,
+ You're in the wrong hole
+There's plenty of room in the right'un."
%
-Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
-Homo qui aedificabat.
- Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
- Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
-Sed virginem pine necebat.
+There was a young sapphic named Anna
+Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
+ Which she sucked, bit by bit,
+ From her partner's warm slit,
+In the most approved lesbian manner.
%
-Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
-I know - you don't have to say that!
- All you guys want of me
- Is a poke where I pee,
-And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
+There was a young soldier from Munich
+Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
+ And their chops girls would lick
+ When they thought of his prick,
+But alas! he was only a eunuch.
%
-Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
-Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
- She went down on the gents,
- And pronged the girl's vents
-With a clitoris reaching six inches.
+There was a young sportsman named Peel
+Who went for a trip on his wheel;
+ He pedalled for days
+ Through crepuscular haze,
+And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-De Hispanice puella verumque
-Simplex oris verborumque
- Tulit potens vagina
- Hominum agmina
-Iterum iterum iterumque.
+There was a young squaw of Wohunt
+Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
+ It had many odd uses,
+ Produced no papooses,
+And fitted both giant and runt.
%
-Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
-He was blown down the street by a rocket.
- The force of the blast
- Blew his balls up his ass,
-And his pecker was found in his pocket.
+There was a young student from Yale
+Who was getting his first piece of tail.
+ He shoved in his pole,
+ But in the wrong hole,
+And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
%
-DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
-Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
- And by planned obsolescence,
- So controlled detumescence,
-A poor man could not get a smell.
+There was a young trollop at Yale,
+Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
+ And on her behind,
+ For the sake of the blind,
+A duplicate version in Braille.
+%
+There was a young whore from Kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was a young woman called Pearl
+Who quite resembled a churl;
+ When she asked a young man named Tex
+ Whether he would like to have sex,
+"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
+%
+There was a young woman from Bude,
+Who went for a swim in the nude,
+ But a man in a punt,
+ Grabbed at her elbow,
+And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
%
-Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
-Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
- Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
- Ich hore Mann kommen."
-"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
+There was a young woman in Dee
+Who stayed with each man she did see.
+ When it came to a test
+ She wished to be best,
+And practice makes perfect, you see.
%
-Ethnologists up with the Sioux
-Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
- The answer next day,
- Said, "Girls on the way,
-But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
+There was a young woman named Alice
+Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
+ She said, "I do this
+ From a great need to piss,
+And not from sectarian malice."
%
-Exuberant Sue from Anjou
-Found that fucking affected her hue.
- She presented to sight
- Nipples pink, bottom white;
-But her asshole was purple and blue.
+There was a young woman named Ells
+Who was subject to curious spells
+ When got up very oddly,
+ She'd cry out things ungodly
+by the palms in expensive hotels.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the Mobius strip;
- The strip revolved,
- The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
+There was a young woman named Florence
+Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
+ But they found her in bed
+ With her cunt flaming red,
+And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
%
-Fond of equestrians, Mabel
-Looked for true love in the stable.
- But she found the studs,
- For her were all duds,
-Now she's out with the leg of a table.
+There was a young woman named Plunnery
+Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
+ Till one day unobservant,
+ She blew up a servant,
+And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
- But the one remedy
- For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+There was a young woman named Sutton
+Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
+ "My father preferred
+ The last sheep in the herd --
+This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
- But the one remedy
- For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+There was a young woman of Cheadle,
+Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
+ Said she, "Does it itch?"
+ "It does, you damned bitch,
+And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
%
-"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
-"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
- You have made much fine verse on
- Each part of my person,
-Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
+There was a young woman of Condover
+Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
+ Her pussy was juicy,
+ Her arse soft and goosey,
+But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
%
-Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
-It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
- It makes you sick, it makes you well,
- It turns your spine to fucking jell,
-It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
+There was a young woman of Croft
+Who played with herself in a loft,
+ Having reasoned that candles
+ Could never cause scandals,
+Besides which they did not go soft.
+
+Said another young woman of Croft,
+Amusing herself in the loft,
+ "A salami or wurst
+ Is what I'd choose first --
+With bologna you know you've been boffed."
%
-God's plan had a great beginning,
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning
- We trust that the story
- Will end in God's glory
-But at present the other side's winning.
+There was a young woman whose stammer
+Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
+ But they were not improved
+ When her husband was moved
+To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
- We trust that the story
- Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
+There was a young woman, quite handsome,
+Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
+ When she offered much gold
+ For release, she was told
+That the view was worth more than the ransom.
%
-Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
-Who came to Rumania's rescue?
- It's a wonderful thing
- To be under a king--
-Is democracy better, I esk you?
+There was an Old Man of the Mountain
+Who frigged himself into a fountain
+ Fifteen times had he spent,
+ Still he wasn't content,
+He simply got tired of the counting.
%
-Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
-Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
- Some people say,
- Love finds a way,
-But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
+There was an old Scot named McTavish
+Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
+ The object of rape
+ Was the wrong sex of ape,
+And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
%
-Have you heard of the lady named Cox
-Who had a capacious old box?
- When her lover was in place
- She said, "Please turn your face.
-I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
+There was an old abbess quite shocked
+To find nuns where the candles were locked.
+ Said the abbess, "You nuns
+ Should behave more like guns,
+And never go off till you're cocked."
%
-Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
-And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
- How they lift the frock
- And tickle the cock
-Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
+There was an old bishop from Buckingham
+Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
+ His wife with distain
+ Could scarcely restrain
+That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
- Her husband said, "Vi,
- When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+There was an old count of Swoboda
+Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
+ So, with great savoir-faire,
+ She stood on a chair
+And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
%
-He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
-Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
- Then his gargantuan pole in
- Her pink, tight, and swollen
-Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
+There was an old curate of Hestion
+Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
+ But so small was his tool
+ He could scarce screw a spool,
+And a cunt was quite out of the question.
%
-Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
-Could rotate his pecker, and then
- He would shoot through his rear
- Which made him dear
-Of the girls, and the envy of men.
+There was an old fellow named Art
+Who awoke with a horrible start,
+ For down by his rump
+ Was a generous lump
+Of what should have been just a fart.
%
-Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
-Had morals the city might soften.
- So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
- Are you living in sin?"
-Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
+There was an old fellow named Skinner
+Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
+ But still, by and large,
+ It would always discharge
+Once he could just get it in her.
%
-His shy bride admitted to Crandall
-That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
- But a cock like his dick
- Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
+There was an old feminine blighter
+Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
+ She would cream her own pool
+ While she sucked off his tool --
+How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
%
-I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
-Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
- I replied, "Simple shagging
- Without any wagging
-Is only for screwing canoeing."
+There was an old gent from Kentuck
+Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
+ But he put it away
+ For fear that one day
+He might put it in and get stuck.
%
-"I do love a lay every day,
-So whenever you're coming this way
- Just phone in advance
- And I'll jerk off my pants,
-And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
+There was an old girl of Kilkenny
+Whose usual charge was a penny.
+ For half of that sum
+ You could finger her bum--
+A source of amusement to many.
%
-I met a young man in Chungking
-Who had a very long thing --
- But you'll guess my surprise
- When I found that its size
-Just measured a third-finger ring!
+There was an old harlot from Dijon
+Who in her old age got religion.
+ "When I'm dead & gone,"
+ Said she, "I'll take on
+The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
%
-I never had Miss Defauw,
-But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
- If she'd only said "No"
- When I wanted her so;
-But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
+There was an old hermit named Dave
+Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
+ He said "I'll admit
+ I'm a bit of a shit,
+But look at the money I save."
+%
+There was an old lady of Bingly
+Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
+ I thought I had got
+ A bloke for my twat,
+But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
%
-I once had the wife of a Dean
-Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
- She remarked with some gaiety,
- "Not bad for the laiety,
-Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
+There was an old lady of Glascow,
+Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
+ At nine-thirty, about,
+ The lights all went out,
+Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
- Now I know the perfection
- Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
+There was an old lady of Kewry
+Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
+ The `introitus vaginae',
+ Was unnaturally tiny,
+And the thought of it filled her with fury.
%
-I once was annoyed by a queer
-Who made his intentions quite clear.
- Said I, "I'm no prude,
- So don't think me rude,
-But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
+There was an old lady who lay
+With her legs wide apart in the hay,
+ Then, calling the ploughman,
+ She said, "Do it now, man!
+Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
- But this walking around
- Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
- -- Gelett Burgess
+There was an old maid from Cape Cod
+Who thought all good things came from god.
+ But it wasn't the almighty
+ Who lifted her nighty,
+It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
- But this walking around
- Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
- -- Gelett Burgess
+There was an old man from Bengal
+Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
+ His favorite trick
+ Was to stand on his dick
+While he rolled around on one ball.
%
-I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
-Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
- I wonder can she tell
- That I've been raising hell;
-Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
-
-My wife is just as nice as can be,
-I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
- For an afternoon of joy,
- Is hell on the old boy,
-I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
+There was an old man from Duluth
+Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
+ He fucked with his nose
+ Or his fingers and toes
+And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
%
-I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
-I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
- She said it was crude
- To be wooed in the nude--
-I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
+There was an old man from Fort Drum
+Whose son was incredibly dumb.
+ When he urged him ahead,
+ He went down instead,
+For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
%
-I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
-I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
- And in all my lewd life
- I've met none like your wife,
-So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
+There was an old man of Alsace
+Who played the trombone with his ass.
+ He put in a trap
+ To take out the crap,
+But the vapors corroded the brass.
%
-I'd rather have fingers than toes,
-I'd rather have ears than a nose,
- And a happy erection
- Brought just to perfection
-Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
+There was an old man of Brienz
+The length of whose cock was immense:
+ With one swerve he could plug
+ A boy's bottom in Zug,
+And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
%
-If continence causes neurosis
-And intercourse causes thrombosis
- I'd rather expire
- Fulfilling desire
-Than live in a state of psychosis.
+There was an old man of Cajon
+Who never could get a good bone.
+ With the aid of a gland
+ It grew simply grand;
+Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
%
-If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
-Employ first-order predicate calculus.
- With sufficient formality,
- The sheerest banality,
-Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
+There was an old man of Calcutta
+Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
+ But all he could see
+ Was his wife's bare knee,
+And the back of the bloke who was up her.
%
-If you're speaking of actions immoral
-The how about giving the laurel
- To doughty Queen Esther,
- No three men could best her --
-One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
+There was an old man of Connaught
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
%
-Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
-D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
- Il la mene chaque soir
- A son caveau noir
-Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was an old man of Duddee
+Who came home as drunk as could be.
+ He wound up the clock
+ With the end of his cock,
+And buggered his wife with the key.
%
-Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
-Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
- Il dit:"quant a' moi,
- Je deteste tous les trois,
-Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
+There was an old man of Duluth
+Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
+ He fucked with his nose
+ And with fingers and toes,
+And he came through a hole in his tooth.
%
-Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
-Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
- Dit-elle, "Arretez!
- J'entends quelqu'un venait."
-Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
+There was an old man of Hong Kong
+Who never did anything wrong.
+ He would lie on his back
+ With his head in a sack
+And secretly finger his dong.
%
-Il y avait une madame de Lahore
-Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
- Mais la vagine tres forte,
- Toujours ouverte la porte,
-Encore, et encore, et encore.
+There was an old man of St. Bees,
+Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
+ When asked, "Does it hurt?"
+ He replied, "No, it doesn't.
+I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
+ -- W.S. Gilbert
%
-In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
-Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
- But this lubricant lapse
- Isn't noticed, perhaps
-Because nobody does in Duluth.
+There was an old man of Tagore
+Whose tool was a yard long or more,
+ So he wore the damn thing
+ In a surgical sling
+To keep it from wiping the floor.
%
-In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
-Was the first time I ever laid down,
- I was both proud and shy
- As he opened his fly
-And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
-
-Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
-As it went in I made not a sound,
- The more that he shoved it
- The more that I loved it,
-As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%
-In my sweet little night gown of blue,
-On the first night that I slept with you,
- I was both shy and scared
- As the bed was prepared,
-And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
-
-As we both watched the break of day,
-And in peaceful submission I lay,
- You said you adored it
- But dammit, you tore it,
-My sweet little night gown of blue.
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%
-It takes little strain and no art
-To bang out an echoing fart.
- The reaction is hearty
- When you fart at a party,
-But the sensitive persons depart.
+There was an old man who said, "Tush!
+My balls always hang in the brush,
+ And I fumble about,
+ Half in and half out,
+With a pecker as limber as mush."
%
-Love letters no longer they write us,
-To their homes they so seldom invite us.
- It grieves me to say,
- They have learned with dismay,
-We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
+There was an old man with a beard
+Who said, "It is just what I feared!
+ Two owls and a hen,
+ Four larks and a wren
+Have all built their nests in my beard!"
%
-Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
-She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
- If you want to get laid,
- Then we'll have to tribade!"
-(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
+There was an old person of Ware
+Who had an affair with a bear.
+ He explained, "I don't mind,
+ For it's gentle and kind,
+But I wish it had slightly less hair."
%
-McCoy's a seducer galore,
-And of virgins he has quite a score.
- He tells them, "My dear,
- You're the Final Frontier,
-Where man never has gone before."
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates
+ He fell on his cutlass
+ Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There was an old satyr named Mack
+Whose prick had a left handed tack.
+ If the ladies he loves
+ Don't spin when he shoves,
+Their cervixes frequently crack.
%
-Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
-Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
- When he's under the weather
- They can't get together,
-So others get into her box.
+There was an old whore from Silesia
+Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
+ For a slight extra sum
+ You can go up my bum
+But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
%
-My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
-I simply can't fuck any more;
- I'm covered with sweat,
- And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
- -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+There was an old whore in the Azores
+Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
+ Why the dogs in the street
+ Wouldn't eat the green meat
+That hung in festoons from her drawers.
%
-`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
-I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
- The ship was all white
- But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was an old woman of Ghent
+Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
+ She got fucked so often
+ At last she got rotten,
+And didn't she stink when she spent.
%
-`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
-I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
- The ship was all white
- But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
- -- Edward Gorey
+There was once a mechanic named Bench
+Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
+ With this vibrant device
+ He could reach, in a trice,
+The innermost parts of a wench.
%
-Oden the bardling averred
-His muse was the bum of a bird,
- And his Lesbian wife
- Would finger his fife
-While Fisherwood waited as third.
+There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
+Who said, "They can all go to hell!
+ What they do to my wife--
+ Why it ruins my life;
+And the worst is, they all do it well.
%
-Of his face she thought not very much,
-But then, at the very first touch,
- Her attitude shifted --
- He was terribly gifted
-At frigging and fucking and such.
+There were three ladies of Huxham,
+And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
+ And when that game grows stale
+ We sits on a rail,
+And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
%
-Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
-Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
- The poor wench doth stammer,
- "I need a sledgehammer
-To pound a man into my vent."
+There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
+And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
+ They lifted the frock
+ And tickled the cock
+Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
+
+Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
+He'd been to a good public school,
+ So he took down their britches
+ And buggered those bitches
+With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
+
+Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
+And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
+ "The vicar is quicker
+ And thicker and slicker,
+And longer and stronger than you."
+ -- Abuses of the Clergy
%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
- Seems the puma, in play,
- Tore his testes away -
-- An example of animal huma.
+There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
+Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
+ It's deep and it's wide,
+ -- You can curl up inside
+With a nice easy chair and a book.
%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
- Seems the puma, in play,
- Tore his testes away --
-An example of animal huma.
+There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
+Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
+ But now--it's appallin'--
+ My balls always fall in!
+I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
%
-On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
-Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
- Not russian elite-
- She's eager to eat
-Whatever or whoever lays her.
+There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
+Whose manners are odd and demanding.
+ It's one of her jests
+ To suck off her guests --
+She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
%
-On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
-The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
- "Aha!" said the mate,
- "That settles the fate
-Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
+There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
+Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
+ But her cunt's got a pucker
+ That's best not to fuck, or
+When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
%
-Once was a hooker named Gail,
-Busted and sent-off to jail,
- She liked the jailer,
- He wanted to nail her,
-So Gail made bail with her tail.
+There's a rather odd couple in Herts
+Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
+ Their sex is in doubt
+ For they're never without
+Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
- When asked what position
- He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the loetus."
+There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
+Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
+ In the shell Sue is great,
+ But her boyfriend's irate,
+When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
- When asked what position
- He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the lotus."
+There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
+By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
+ In her striving to please,
+ She serves ale on her knees,
+So the patrons get head with their draft.
%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
- His enormous red whang
- Gave her a wonderful bang --
-She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
+There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
+Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
+ The seniors go round
+ Hanging down to the ground,
+And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
- Then she picked up his hat
- And realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
+Since his shocking perversions are various...
+ He will bugger some lad
+ With a dildo (the cad!)
+While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
%
-Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
-Has invented a new kind of car.
- With a tank full of shit
- There's no stopping it --
-For short trips, two poots take you far.
+There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
+Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
+ When one pireg is shot,
+ There's that alternate twat,
+But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
%
-Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
-Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
- At her first sight of one
- She started to run,
-And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
+There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
+Who insists on a dozen a night.
+ A fellow named Cheddar
+ Had the brashness to wed her-
+His chance of survival is slight.
%
-Pour guerir un acces de fievre
-Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
- Il le prit a son trou,
- Et fit faire un ragout
-Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
+There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
+Exceedingly hard to get onto,
+ But when you get there,
+ And have parted the hair,
+You can fuck her as much as you want to.
+%
+They had come in the fugue to the stretto
+When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
+ Slipped forward and grabbed
+ Her tresses and stabbed
+Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
-- Edward Gorey
%
-Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
-"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
- To a muffer's delight,
- I'll take head on a flight,
-So the guy can have pie in the sky."
+Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
+Was to do what man normally does,
+ She declared, "I'm a Soul-
+ Not a sexual goal!"
+So he shrugged and called someone who was.
%
-She begged and she pleaded for more.
-I said, "We've already had four,
- And I'm sure that you've heard,
- Though it's somewhat absurd,
-That eros spelt backwards is sore."
+Though most of the crewmen are whites,
+Uhura has full equal rights.
+ Her crewmates, you see,
+ Love De-mo-cra-cy,
+And the way that she fills out her tights.
%
-She made a thing of soft leather,
-And topped off the end with a feather.
- When she poked it inside her
- She took off like a glider,
-And gave up her lover forever.
+Though the invalid Saint of Brac
+Lay all of his life on his back,
+ His wife got her share,
+ And the pilgrims now stare
+At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
%
-She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang : goodness knows
- I am surely impure
- And I sizzled to scrure,
-But the push had gone out of my hose.
+To a weepy young woman in Thrums
+Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
+ Of allowing your tears
+ To fall into my ears -
+I think they have rotted the drums."
+ -- Edward Gorey
%
-She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
-When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
- Now she's lying in the grass,
- With the muffler up her ass,
-And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
+To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
+Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
+ He constructed a bed
+ Out of tree trunks and said,
+"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
%
-She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
-Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
- But she knew, just before
- She opened the door,
-This same Mr. had kr. sr.
+To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
+Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
+ She replied, "Why, you fool,
+ With your limp little tool
+It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
%
-She wasn't what one could call pretty
-And other girls offered her pity,
- So nobody guessed
- That her Wasserman test
-Involved half the men in the city.
+To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
+"I trust you will show some forbearance.
+ My sexual habits
+ I picked up from rabbits,
+And occasionally watching my parents."
%
-Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
-"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
- Plus the yen, but the men
- Only call now and then--
-Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
+To his bride said economist Fife :
+"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
+ We will salvage and freeze
+ To resemble goat's cheese,
+And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
%
-"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
-"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
- He pulled it on out,
- But she started to pout,
-His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
+To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
+"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
+ Has the east tit the least bit
+ The best of the west tit,
+Or is it the faulty perspective?"
%
-So here was this fellow of Strensall
-Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
- Anemic, 'tis true,
- But an interesting screw,
-Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
+To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
+"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
+ Is your east tit the least bit
+ The best of your west tit,
+Or is it a trick of perspective?"
%
-The world is so full of a number of things,
-I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
- I'll tell you a story--
- It won't take me long--
-Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
-
-There was an old fellow and what do you think?
-He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
- He whacked it, he hacked it,
- He ate it with glee-
-Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
+To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
+As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
+ "Your mother's behaviour
+ Gave pain to Our Saviour,
+And that's why He made you a cripple."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Two anglers were fishing off Wight
+And his bobber was dipping all night.
+ Murmured she, with a laugh,
+ "It's ready to gaff,
+But don't break your rod which is light."
-This charming old chap had a sister as well :
-She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
- Her cunt was so dirty
- It stank like a beast,
-And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+ And said, "Bother the fish!
+ I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
-I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
- Their odor and diet
- Won't soon be forgotten,
-And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
-%
-There are some things we mustn't expose,
-So we hide them away in our clothes.
- Oh, it's shocking to stare
- At what's certainly there--
-But why this is so, heaven knows.
+As two consular clerks in Madras
+Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
+ "What a marvelous pole,"
+ Said she, "but control
+Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
%
-There is a young faggot named Mose
-Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
- And you'll double the joy
- Of this lecherous boy
-If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
+Two eager young men from Cawnpore
+Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
+ But her partition split
+ And the blood and the shit
+Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
%
-There is a young lady named Aird,
-Whose bottom is always kept bared.
- When asked why she pouts,
- She says "The Boy Scouts,
-All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
+Two roosters in one of our pens
+Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
+ As they looked at their foreskins
+ And wished they had more skins,
+They discovered they'd both become hens.
%
Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass
S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress;
Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass.
-- Edward Gorey
%
+Under the spreading chestnut tree
+The village smith he sat,
+ Amusing himself
+ By abusing himself
+And catching the load in his hat.
+%
+Une joile epousetta a Tours
+Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
+ Mais le mari disait, "Non!
+ De trop n'est pas bon!
+Mon derriere exige du secours!"
+%
+Visas erat: huic geminarum
+Dispar modus testicularum:
+ Minor haec nihili,
+ Palma triplici,
+Jam fecerat altera clarum.
+%
+We dedicate this to the cunt,
+The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
+ All hail to the twat,
+ Willing, thrilling, and hot,
+That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
+%
We sailed on the good ship Venus,
My God, you should have seen us
With a figurehead
"Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
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-"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
-"And told my wife to try it on top.
- She bounced for an hour,
- Till she ran out of power,
-And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+When I was a baby, my penis
+Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
+ But now 'tis as red
+ As her nipples instead--
+All because of the feminine genus!
+%
+When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
+Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
+ "Was he modest or vain?"
+ "Was he regal or plain?"
+She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
+%
+When you fuck little Annie in Anza
+You get a great bossom bonanza:
+ Sucking Annie's soft tits
+ Makes her throw fifty fits,
+And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+ She explained, "They are flat,
+ But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+While Titian was mixing rose madder,
+His model reclined on a ladder.
+ Her position to Titian
+ Suggested coition,
+So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
+%
+While his duchess lay practically dead,
+The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
+ "Can it be this is all?
+ How puny! How small!
+Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+While out on a date in his Fiat,
+The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
+ As he bent down to seek,
+ She let out a shriek:
+"That's not where it's likely to be at."
+%
+While spending the winter at Pau
+Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
+ So the head-porter made her
+ And the second-cook laid her;
+The waiters were all hanging low.
+%
+While travelling in farthest Tibet,
+Lord Irongate found cause to regret
+ The buttered-up tea,
+ A pain in his knee,
+And the frivolous tourists he met.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Winter is here with his grouch,
+The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
+ You can't take your women
+ Canoein' or swimmin',
+But a lot can be done on a couch.
+%
+With his penis in turgid erection,
+And aimed at woman's mid-section,
+ Man looks most uncouth
+ In that Moment of Truth,
+But she sheathes it with loving affection.
+%
+You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
+But dependent on men you must be:
+ You'll need a him
+ With a rod firm and trim,
+To puggle your water-drains free!
+%
+You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
+Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
+ He buggers the choir
+ As they sing "Ave Maria,"
+And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
+%
+Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
+To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
+ If you'll come to my palace,
+ I'll finger your phallus,
+And then I shall blow on your flute."
+%
+`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
+I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
+ The ship was all white
+ But it creaked in the night,
+And the band, they did not know la java."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+ Told her Tante Louise
+ That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
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