Pull in corrections from Free/OpenBSD.

Also move limericks to limerick file.

1 files changed, 1348 insertions, 22 deletions

diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
index 62380217..6d26b112 100644
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
@@ -762,12 +762,6 @@ Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
 And watched till it flew out of sight.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-A pansy who lived in Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, with which, and to whom.
-%
 A passionate red-haired girl
 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
 	And her twat would get wet,
@@ -822,12 +816,6 @@ Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
 	And John Brink petered out,
 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
 %
-A potter who lived in Bombay
-Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
-	But the heat of his prick
-	Kilned the damn thing to brick
-And chafed all his foreskin away.
-%
 A pretty wife living in Tours
 Demanded her daily amour.
 	But the husband said, "No!
@@ -1796,12 +1784,6 @@ Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
 	As he thunderously came:
 "Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
 %
-There once was a fag of Khartoom
-Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
-	They argued all night,
-	Over who had the right,
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
 There once was a fairy named Avers
 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
 	Though buggers all claimed
@@ -3839,11 +3821,11 @@ Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
 	He would tune up his ass,
 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
 %
-There was a young man from Bombay
-Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
+A potter who lived in Bombay
+Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
 	But the heat of his prick
-	Turned it into a brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+	Kilned the damn thing to brick
+And chafed all his foreskin away.
 %
 There was a young man from Boston
 Who rode around in an Austin.
@@ -4158,6 +4140,12 @@ Who was found by a pious relation
 	To -- I won't say a bitch --
 But a woman of no reputation.
 %
+Once a young gay from Khartoum,
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+	They argued all night
+	Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
 There was a young man of Khartoum,
 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
 	So strong was his shootin',
@@ -4631,6 +4619,12 @@ Whose son was incredibly dumb.
 	He went down instead,
 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
 %
+Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
+"What care I for this shortage of gum?
+	My favorite chew
+	Is a condom or two,
+With a goodly amount of fresh come."
+%
 There was an old man of Alsace
 Who played the trombone with his ass.
 	He put in a trap
@@ -5095,3 +5089,1335 @@ Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
 	As they sing "Ave Maria,"
 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
 %
+On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
+Was tattooed the price of her tail
+	And on her behind,
+	For the sake of the blind,
+Was the same information in Braille.
+%
+On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
+His girl got a yen for fellatio.
+	As she sucked on his dingus
+	He tried cunnilingus
+But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
+%
+On day a Monterey daughter
+Did scuba down under the water.
+	She later turned up
+	The mom of a pup,
+And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
+%
+Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
+"The men like to spread my two legs,
+	Then slip in between,
+	If you know what I mean,
+And leave me the white of their eggs."
+%
+Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
+"This has been a most wonderful day.
+	Three cherry tarts,
+	At least twenty farts,
+Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
+%
+Said a girl who upon her divan
+Was attacked by a virile young man:
+	"Such excess of passion
+	Is quite out of fashion"
+And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+	But a fullback from State,
+	Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
+%
+Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
+When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
+	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
+	And tease it, and please it,
+For Rome wasn't built in a day."
+%
+Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
+Of all the girls that I've had,
+	None gave me the thrill
+	Of real rapture until
+I learned how to be a tribade."
+%
+Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
+To a sailor just off of a barge,
+	"We have one girl that's dead,
+	With a hole in her head--
+Of course there's a slight extra charge."
+%
+Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
+I'm simply too shy and afraid
+	To take part in your pranks.
+	But to show you my thanks,
+I'd just love to become your first aide.
+%
+Said a pornographistic young poet
+"Although I perhaps do not show it,
+	My interest in sin
+	Is wearing quite thin,
+And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	 I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+%
+Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
+"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
+	Uhura said, "No,
+	At night that's not so--
+He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
+	Let V be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let V over P be inverted
+With the square root of Mu inserted
+	N times into V ...
+	The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
+Is leading me straight to perdition;
+	But I haven't the strength
+	To go to the length
+Of making an act of contrition."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said President Jobcock one day :
+"War's better than love, I should say.
+	Instead of a virgin,
+	It's murder I'm urgin'--
+You get lots more blood that-a-way."
+%
+Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
+"Only infidel dogs put it in.
+	Back home in Arabia
+	We nibble the labia
+Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
+%
+Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
+In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
+	"This nautch is delicious,
+	 And without doubt nutritious.
+She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
+%
+Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
+"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
+	I replied with some wit,
+	"Do you belch when you shit?"
+I think that was one up for me.
+%
+Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
+"This must be our final adieu,
+	For the vicar is slicker,
+	And thicker, and quicker,
+And two inches longer than you."
+%
+Saint Peter was once heard to boast
+That he'd had all the heavenly host :
+	The Father and Son,
+	And then - just for fun -
+The hole in the Holy Ghost.
+%
+The Enterprise crew when off work
+Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
+	Uhura the Zulu
+	Is shacked up with Sulu,
+And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
+%
+The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
+Have chased Spock for several years.
+	His look of disdain
+	Has spared them great pain,
+For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
+%
+The Dowager Duchess of Spout
+Collapsed at the height of a rout;
+	She found strength to say
+	As they bore her away:
+"I should never have taken the trout."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The cruelest of creatures' the crab
+With claws that can pinch you or stab,
+	And then when you dine
+	On crab and white wine
+It gets you as well with the tab.
+%
+The bustard's a remarkable fowl
+With surely no reason to growl
+	He escapes what would be
+	Illegitimacy
+By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
+%
+The bishop of Alexandretta
+Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
+	So he thought he'd enshrine her
+	As the Holy Vagina
+In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
+%
+The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
+They have kept me awake for a week.
+	Why do newlyweds
+	Select squeaky beds
+To develop their fucking technique?
+%
+That Harvard don down at El Djim --
+Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
+	With the whole harem randy,
+	The sheik himself handy,
+To muss up a young camel's quim.
+%
+That naughty old Sappho of Greece
+Said: "What I prefer to a piece
+	Is to have my pudenda
+	Rubbed hard by the enda
+The little pink nose of my niece."
+%
+The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
+Do an act in the nude on their knees.
+	They crawl down the aisle
+	While screwing dog-style,
+As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
+%
+The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
+Fell into the water baptismal;
+	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
+	It had sunk out of sight,
+For the depth of the font was abysmal.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
+She obliges all who accost her.
+	She welcomes the prick
+	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
+Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
+%
+The fearless old bishop of Brest
+Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
+	He fucked whores in the apse
+	With chancres and claps,
+But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
+%
+The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
+Came to light with its face in its belly;
+	Her second was born
+	With a hump and a horn,
+And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The genital area of Ann
+Will accommodate any size man,
+	From the wee that cause titters
+	To the mighty twat-splitters
+That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
+%
+The Grecians were famed for fine art,
+And buildings and stonework so smart.
+	They distinguished with poise
+	The men from the boys,
+And used crowbars to keep them apart.
+%
+The King named Oedipus Rex
+Who started this fuss about sex
+	Put the world to great pains
+	By the spots and the stains
+Which he made on his mother's pubex.
+%
+The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
+To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
+	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
+	I am coming, I fear,
+But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
+%
+The kings of Peru were the Incas,
+Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
+	They worshipped the sun
+	And had lots of fun,
+But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
+%
+The moyel who treated young Alec
+Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
+	Presented the child
+	His aim was so wild
+He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
+%
+The new cinematic emporium
+Is not just a super-sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The new local cinematorium
+Is not only a super sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The nipples of Sarah Sarong
+When excited are twelve inches long
+	This embarrassed her lover 
+	Who was pained to discover
+She expected no less of his dong
+%
+The notorious Duchess of Peels
+Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
+	Said she, "Would you mind? --
+	Shove one up my behind.
+I am anxious to know how it feels."
+%
+The office brown-noser named Bunky
+Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
+	But when the chips were all down,
+	His proboscis was brown,
+And there hung many strands which were gunky.
+%
+The old archeologist, Throstle,
+Discovered a marvelous fossil.
+	He knew from its bend
+	And the knot on the end,
+T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+The once was a man from Bombay
+Who modeled his cunts out of clay
+	So hot was his prick
+	That he turned them to brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+%
+The partition of Vavasour Scowles
+Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
+	In a firkin; his brain
+	Was found clogging a drain,
+And his toes were inside of some towels.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The prick of the engineer, Scott,
+Fell off from Saturnian rot.
+	He went to the basement
+	And made a replacement
+Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
+%
+The randy old Bey of Algiers
+Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
+	Tried a cunt for a change,
+	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
+Just think what I've missed all these years!"
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a girl a most elegant creature.
+	So she laid on her back
+	And, exposing her crack,
+Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+	The hen, pleased with that,
+	Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The Shah of the Empire of Persia
+Lay for days in a sexual merger.
+	When the nautch asked the Shah,
+	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
+He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
+%
+The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
+At breakfast with horrid dismay,
+	So he launched off the spoons
+	The pits from his prunes
+At their heads as they neared the buffet.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
+Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
+	That when posed on her toes
+	She elaborately shows
+Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
+%
+The spouse of a pretty young thing
+Came home from the wars in the spring.
+	He was lame but he came
+	With his dame like a flame --
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
+%
+The star of that X-rated hit
+Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
+	This serves as a palace
+	For each turgid phallus--
+Some say that the plot is pure shit.
+%
+"The testes are cooler outside,"
+Said the doc to the curious bride,
+	"For the semen must no
+	Get too fucking hot,
+And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+%
+The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
+And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
+	He caught a big mouse
+	Which he loosed in the house.
+(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
+%
+The wife of young Richard of Limerick
+Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
+	Still grows in diameter
+	Each time that you ram at her;
+How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
+%
+The woman who lives on the moon
+Is still cherishing the balloon
+	Of an earthling who'd come
+	And given her some,
+But had dribbled away all too soon.
+%
+The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
+Is not merely reading a meter.
+	By orders of Kirk
+	A part of his work
+Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I am wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+	Told her Tante Louise
+	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
+%
+A certain young man, it was noted,
+Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
+	He said, "You may scoff,
+	But I shan't take it off;
+Underneath I am horribly bloated."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A certain young person of Ghent,
+Uncertain if lady or gent,
+	Shows his organs at large
+	For a small handling charge
+To assist him in paying the rent.
+%
+A certain young sheik of Algiers
+Said to his harem, "My dears,
+	Though you may think it odd of me,
+	I'm tired of just sodomy
+Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
+%
+A chap down in Oklahoma
+Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
+	But the sweetness of pitch
+	Couldn't put off the hitch
+Of impotence, size and aroma.
+%
+A charmer from old Amarillo,
+Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
+	Decided one day
+	That to keep men away
+She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+%
+A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
+Had a pussy as large as a muff.
+	It had room for both hands
+	And some intimate glands,
+And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+%
+A clergical student named Simms
+Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
+	A nice piece of ass
+	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
+All the others get Anglican hymns.
+%
+A clerical student named Pryne
+Through pain sought to reach the divine:
+	He wore a hair shirt,
+	Quite often ate dirt,
+And bathed every Friday in brine.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The fuckin' thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The goddam thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A cocksucking steno named Beeman
+Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
+	"On my minuscule salary
+	 I must watch every calorie,
+So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+%
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+	It chewed up its cards
+	And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+	But this output can be
+	No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+		-- Gigo
+%
+A contortionist hailing from Lynch
+Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
+	A foot cost a quid --
+	He could and he did
+Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+%
+A corpulent maiden named Kroll
+Had a notion exceedingly droll:
+	At a masquerade ball,
+	Dressed in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+%
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+	And said, "Bother the fish!
+	I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+%
+A cowhand way out in Seattle
+Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
+	He said, "No, I can't fuck
+	A lamb or a duck,
+But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+	She was not oversexed,
+	Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+	It was no good for girls
+	But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A cute little twerp from Samoa
+Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
+	It was good for keyholes
+	And debutantes' peeholes
+But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+%
+A daredevil skater named Lowe,
+Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
+	But is proudest of doing,
+	Some incredible screwing,
+Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+%
+A deep-throated virgin named Netty
+Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
+	She said, "It tastes nice,
+	Much better than rice,
+Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+%
+A delighted, incredulous bride
+Remarked to her groom at her side :
+	"I never could quite
+	 Believe till tonight
+Our anatomies would coincide."
+%
+A dentist, young doctor Malone,
+Got a charming girl patient alone,
+	And, in his depravity,
+	Filled the wrong cavity.
+God, how his practice has grown.
+%
+A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
+With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
+	Let his third-story front,
+	To a willing young cunt,
+Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+%
+A desperate spinster from Clare
+Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
+	And prayed to her God
+	For a romp on the sod--
+'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+%
+A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
+Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
+	As quick as a glance
+	He stripped off his pants,
+But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+	She blew her vagina
+	To South Carolina,
+And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+
+A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
+Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
+	They found her vagina,
+	In South Carolina,
+And part of her ass in Brazil.
+%
+A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
+Whose overworked sex is all callous,
+	Wore the foreskin away
+	On uncircumcised Ray,
+Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace;
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace.
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+%
+A guest in a household quite charmless
+Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
+	"If you're caught unawares
+	At the head of the stairs,
+Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A habit depraved and unsavory
+Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
+	Midst screeches and howls
+	He deflowered young owls
+Which he kept in an underground aviary
+%
+A habit obscene and bizarre,
+Has taken a-hold of papa.
+	He brings home young camels
+	And other odd mammals,
+And gives them a go at mama.
+%
+A habit obscene and unsavory,
+Holds a CS professor in slavery.
+	With maniacal howls,
+	He deflowers young owls,
+That he keeps in an underground aviary.
+%
+A hacker who screwed a mag tape
+Was caught and convicted of rape.
+	To jail he did go,
+	From which, to his woe
+He couldn't get out with ESC.
+%
+A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
+Made love to the drive of his disk.
+	The thing circumcised him,
+	Which rather surprised him.
+He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
+%
+A programmer down in Moline
+Said, I'm the match for any machine.
+	My secret's aversion,
+	To loops and recursion,
+Just acres of in-line routine.
+		-- W.J. Wilson
+%
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+	They were graded and spaced
+	So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
+%
+A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
+Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+	The result of this fuck
+	Was a three titted duck,
+A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+%
+Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
+The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
+	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
+	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
+Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.
+
+The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
+And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
+	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
+	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
+And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
+
+The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
+And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
+	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
+	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
+Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
+%
+An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
+Saw sartorial changes ahead.
+	His mind kept on ringing
+	With fishy girls singing;
+Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
+		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
+And let me the canakin clink, clink;
+and let me the canakin clink.
+	A soldier's a man;
+	O, man's life's but a span,
+Why then, let a soldier drink.
+%
+Coitus upon a cadaver
+Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
+	Her inanimate state
+	Means a man needn't wait,
+And eliminates all the palaver.
+%
+Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
+Homo qui aedificabat.
+	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
+	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
+Sed virginem pine necebat.
+%
+Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
+I know - you don't have to say that!
+	All you guys want of me
+	Is a poke where I pee,
+And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
+%
+Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
+Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
+	She went down on the gents,
+	And pronged the girl's vents
+With a clitoris reaching six inches.
+%
+De Hispanice puella verumque
+Simplex oris verborumque
+	Tulit potens vagina
+	Hominum agmina
+Iterum iterum iterumque.
+%
+Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
+He was blown down the street by a rocket.
+	The force of the blast
+	Blew his balls up his ass,
+And his pecker was found in his pocket.
+%
+DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
+Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
+	And by planned obsolescence,
+	So controlled detumescence,
+A poor man could not get a smell.
+%
+Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
+Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
+	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
+	Ich hore Mann kommen."
+"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
+%
+Ethnologists up with the Sioux
+Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
+	The answer next day,
+	Said, "Girls on the way,
+But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
+%
+Exuberant Sue from Anjou
+Found that fucking affected her hue.
+	She presented to sight
+	Nipples pink, bottom white;
+But her asshole was purple and blue.
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the Mobius strip;
+	The strip revolved,
+	The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+Fond of equestrians, Mabel
+Looked for true love in the stable.
+	But she found the studs,
+	For her were all duds,
+Now she's out with the leg of a table.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.		
+%
+"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
+"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
+	You have made much fine verse on
+	Each part of my person,
+Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
+%
+Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
+It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
+	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
+	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
+It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
+%
+God's plan had a great beginning,
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present the other side's winning.
+%
+God's plan made a hopeful beginning
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present, the other side's winning.
+%
+Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
+Who came to Rumania's rescue?
+	It's a wonderful thing
+	To be under a king--
+Is democracy better, I esk you?
+%
+Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
+Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
+	Some people say,
+	Love finds a way,
+But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
+%
+Have you heard of the lady named Cox
+Who had a capacious old box?
+	When her lover was in place
+	She said, "Please turn your face.
+I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
+%
+Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
+And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
+	How they lift the frock
+	And tickle the cock
+Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
+Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
+	Then his gargantuan pole in
+	Her pink, tight, and swollen
+Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
+%
+Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
+Could rotate his pecker, and then
+	He would shoot through his rear
+	Which made him dear
+Of the girls, and the envy of men.
+%
+Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
+Had morals the city might soften.
+	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
+	Are you living in sin?"
+Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
+%
+His shy bride admitted to Crandall
+That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
+	But a cock like his dick
+	Gave her ten times the kick,
+Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
+%
+I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
+Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
+	I replied, "Simple shagging
+	Without any wagging
+Is only for screwing canoeing."
+%
+"I do love a lay every day,
+So whenever you're coming this way
+	Just phone in advance
+	And I'll jerk off my pants,
+And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
+%
+I met a young man in Chungking
+Who had a very long thing --
+	But you'll guess my surprise
+	When I found that its size
+Just measured a third-finger ring!
+%
+I never had Miss Defauw,
+But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
+	If she'd only said "No"
+	When I wanted her so;
+But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
+%
+I once had the wife of a Dean
+Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
+	She remarked with some gaiety,
+	"Not bad for the laiety,
+Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+	Now I know the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+I once was annoyed by a queer
+Who made his intentions quite clear.
+	Said I, "I'm no prude,
+	So don't think me rude,
+But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore! 
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
+Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
+	I wonder can she tell
+	That I've been raising hell;
+Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
+
+My wife is just as nice as can be,
+I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
+	For an afternoon of joy,
+	Is hell on the old boy,
+I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
+%
+I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
+I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
+	She said it was crude
+	To be wooed in the nude--
+I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
+%
+I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
+I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
+	And in all my lewd life
+	I've met none like your wife,
+So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
+%
+I'd rather have fingers than toes,
+I'd rather have ears than a nose,
+	And a happy erection
+	Brought just to perfection
+Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
+%
+If continence causes neurosis
+And intercourse causes thrombosis
+	I'd rather expire
+	Fulfilling desire
+Than live in a state of psychosis.
+%
+If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
+Employ first-order predicate calculus.
+	With sufficient formality,
+	The sheerest banality,
+Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
+%
+If you're speaking of actions immoral
+The how about giving the laurel
+	To doughty Queen Esther,
+	No three men could best her --
+One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
+%
+Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
+D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
+	Il la mene chaque soir
+	A son caveau noir
+Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
+Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
+	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
+	Je deteste tous les trois,
+Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
+%
+Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
+Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
+	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
+	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
+Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
+%
+Il y avait une madame de Lahore
+Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
+	Mais la vagine tres forte,
+	Toujours ouverte la porte,
+Encore, et encore, et encore.
+%
+In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
+Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
+	But this lubricant lapse
+	Isn't noticed, perhaps
+Because nobody does in Duluth.
+%
+In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
+Was the first time I ever laid down,
+	I was both proud and shy
+	As he opened his fly
+And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
+
+Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
+As it went in I made not a sound,
+	The more that he shoved it
+	The more that I loved it,
+As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
+%
+In my sweet little night gown of blue,
+On the first night that I slept with you,
+	I was both shy and scared
+	As the bed was prepared,
+And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
+
+As we both watched the break of day,
+And in peaceful submission I lay,
+	You said you adored it
+	But dammit, you tore it,
+My sweet little night gown of blue.
+%
+It takes little strain and no art
+To bang out an echoing fart.
+	The reaction is hearty
+	When you fart at a party,
+But the sensitive persons depart.
+%
+Love letters no longer they write us,
+To their homes they so seldom invite us.
+	It grieves me to say,
+	They have learned with dismay,
+We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
+%
+Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
+She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
+	If you want to get laid,
+	Then we'll have to tribade!"
+(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
+%
+McCoy's a seducer galore,
+And of virgins he has quite a score.
+	He tells them, "My dear,
+	You're the Final Frontier,
+Where man never has gone before."
+%
+Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
+Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
+	When he's under the weather
+	They can't get together,
+So others get into her box.
+%
+My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+	I'm covered with sweat,
+	And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+%
+`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
+I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
+	The ship was all white
+	But it creaked in the night,
+And the band, they did not know la java."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
+I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
+	The ship was all white
+	But it creaked in the night,
+And the band, they did not know la java."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Oden the bardling averred
+His muse was the bum of a bird,
+	And his Lesbian wife
+	Would finger his fife
+While Fisherwood waited as third.
+%
+Of his face she thought not very much,
+But then, at the very first touch,
+	Her attitude shifted --
+	He was terribly gifted
+At frigging and fucking and such.
+%
+Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
+Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
+	The poor wench doth stammer,
+	"I need a sledgehammer
+To pound a man into my vent."
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away -
+- An example of animal huma.
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away --
+An example of animal huma.
+%
+On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
+Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
+	Not russian elite-
+	She's eager to eat
+Whatever or whoever lays her.
+%
+On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
+The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
+	"Aha!" said the mate,
+	"That settles the fate
+Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
+%
+Once was a hooker named Gail,
+Busted and sent-off to jail,
+	She liked the jailer,
+	He wanted to nail her,
+So Gail made bail with her tail.
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the loetus."
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the lotus."
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	His enormous red whang
+	Gave her a wonderful bang --
+She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	Then she picked up his hat
+	And realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+%
+Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
+Has invented a new kind of car.
+	With a tank full of shit
+	There's no stopping it --
+For short trips, two poots take you far.
+%
+Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
+Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
+	At her first sight of one
+	She started to run,
+And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
+%
+Pour guerir un acces de fievre
+Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
+	Il le prit a son trou,
+	Et fit faire un ragout
+Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
+"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
+	To a muffer's delight,
+	I'll take head on a flight,
+So the guy can have pie in the sky."
+%
+She begged and she pleaded for more.
+I said, "We've already had four,
+	And I'm sure that you've heard,
+	Though it's somewhat absurd,
+That eros spelt backwards is sore."
+%
+She made a thing of soft leather,
+And topped off the end with a feather.
+	When she poked it inside her
+	She took off like a glider,
+And gave up her lover forever.
+%
+She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
+And begged for a bang : goodness knows
+	I am surely impure
+	And I sizzled to scrure,
+But the push had gone out of my hose.
+%
+She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
+When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
+	Now she's lying in the grass,
+	With the muffler up her ass,
+And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
+%
+She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
+Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
+	But she knew, just before
+	She opened the door,
+This same Mr. had kr. sr.
+%
+She wasn't what one could call pretty
+And other girls offered her pity,
+	So nobody guessed
+	That her Wasserman test
+Involved half the men in the city.
+%
+Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
+"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
+	Plus the yen, but the men
+	Only call now and then--
+Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
+%
+"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
+"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
+	He pulled it on out,
+	But she started to pout,
+His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
+%
+So here was this fellow of Strensall
+Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
+	Anemic, 'tis true,
+	But an interesting screw,
+Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
+%
+The world is so full of a number of things,
+I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
+	I'll tell you a story--
+	It won't take me long--
+Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
+
+There was an old fellow and what do you think?
+He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
+	He whacked it, he hacked it,
+	He ate it with glee-
+Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
+
+This charming old chap had a sister as well :
+She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
+	Her cunt was so dirty
+	It stank like a beast,
+And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
+
+What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
+I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
+	Their odor and diet
+	Won't soon be forgotten,
+And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
+%
+There are some things we mustn't expose,
+So we hide them away in our clothes.
+	Oh, it's shocking to stare
+	At what's certainly there--
+But why this is so, heaven knows.
+%
+There is a young faggot named Mose
+Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
+	And you'll double the joy
+	Of this lecherous boy
+If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
+%
+There is a young lady named Aird,
+Whose bottom is always kept bared.
+	When asked why she pouts,
+	She says "The Boy Scouts,
+All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
+%
+Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
+S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
+	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
+	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
+Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+We sailed on the good ship Venus,
+My God, you should have seen us
+	With a figurehead
+	Of a whore in bed
+And the mast an upright penis
+
+The captain of the lugger
+Was known as a filthy bugger
+	Declared unfit
+	To shovel shit
+From one ship to another
+
+The first mate's name was Cooper,
+By god he was a trooper
+	He jerked and jerked
+	Until he worked
+Himself into a stupor
+
+The cabin boy was chipper,
+A dandy little nipper
+	He shoved cracked glass
+	Inside his ass
+And circumcised the skipper
+
+The captain's wife was Charlotte,
+Born and bred a harlot
+	Her thighs at night
+	Were lily white
+By morning they were scarlet
+
+The captain's youngest daughter
+Slipped into the water
+	Her plaintive squeals
+	Announced that eels
+Had found her sexual quarter
+
+The ship's dog's name was Rover,
+They turned the poor beast over
+	And ground and ground
+	That faithful hound
+From Tenerife to Dover
+%
+Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
+By all of the lads in his class
+	He said, with a yawn,
+	"Now the novelty's gone
+And it's only a pain in the ass."
+%
+"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
+"And told my wife to try it on top.
+	She bounced for an hour,
+	Till she ran out of power,
+And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+%