Move limericks to limerick file. Sort that and uniq.

2 files changed, 99 insertions, 356 deletions

diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
index 355934c7..b0f13033 100644
--- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
@@ -2,18 +2,6 @@
 	69 with two fingers up your ass.
 		-- George Carlin
 %
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-	But another, more sane,
-	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
 to the top.
 %
@@ -35,12 +23,6 @@ A hard man is good to find.
 %
 A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
 %
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
-	And the cube of its weight
-	Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call.
-%
 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
 good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
 scruples and the police.
@@ -58,58 +40,16 @@ A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
 A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
 called a liberal.
 %
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
-	A curious mole
-	Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
-	She let herself go
-	For an hour or so
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
 A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
 having fun.
 %
 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
 up with yesterday.
 %
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
-	They make love the whole day
-	In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
-	While this worthy had fits
-	The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
-	Said, "Heavens above!
-	I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A widow who fancied a man some
-Was diddled three times in a hansome.
-	When she clamored for more
-	Her young man became sore
-And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-%
 A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
 drawers.
 		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
 %
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
-	Said the doctor, a cynic,
-	"Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
 A.I. hackers do it with robots.
 %
 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
@@ -154,12 +94,6 @@ America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
 		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
 %
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
-	Display for selection
-	Three kinds of erection --
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
 An Army travels on her stomach.
 %
 An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
@@ -608,12 +542,6 @@ finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
 %
 He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
 %
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
 He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
 _H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
 qualified for!
@@ -704,12 +632,6 @@ I hope he fries in Hell.
 %
 I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
 %
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
 I own my own body, but I share.
 %
 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
@@ -871,12 +793,6 @@ growth of the Laboratories."
 	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
 it was Good!
 %
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
-	He chuckled with mirth,
-	For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
 Incest, n.:
 	Sibling revelry.
 %
@@ -1051,12 +967,6 @@ Ocean, n.:
 	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
 man -- who has no gills.
 %
-Once a young gay from Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
 Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
 fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
 the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
@@ -1259,30 +1169,6 @@ any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
 %
 Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
 %
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-	"Try as hard as I can,
-	I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
-	Let _V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let _P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let _V over _P be inverted
-With the square root of _M_u inserted
-	_N times into _V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
-%
 Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
 %
 Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
@@ -1527,184 +1413,6 @@ There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
 There is a God, but He drinks.
 		-- Blore
 %
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
-	Because in their haste
-	They used Library Paste,
-Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-%
-There once was a feisty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
-	He'd yip and he'd yap,
-	Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
-	A virgin named Joan
-	From a bible belt home,
-Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen
-	So he built him some chicks
-	Of silicon chips
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
-	One was even so brave
-	As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
-	Concave and convex
-	It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh,
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
-	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
-	I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
-	Till a prince from Peru
-	Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
-	It was not the size
-	That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
-	Till a Spanish grandee,
-	Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
-	That in spite of high station,
-	Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a "k".
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
-	For even with Venus
-	His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
-			   h
-			   i
-			   s
-			   .
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
-	She said with a yell,
-	As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
-	She said, "It's a sin,
-	But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
-	From the love-making frock
-	(With the proper sized cock)
-Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
-	There was never a sound
-	For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
-	His father said, "Durcan!
-	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
-	But you knew from the view,
-	As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
-	At least so I thought
-	Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
-	The dress caught on fire
-	And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
-	For it tickled her bum
-	And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
-	She said to her beau
-	"Just look at me, Joe,
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Air
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
-	But the banister broke,
-	So he doubled his stroke,
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
-	His wife was a bitch,
-	And she threw the switch,
-As Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
-	And he wouldn't have been
-	If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
-	But the loyal hall porter
-	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
-	She said with a grin,
-	"If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
-	When he got into bed,
-	The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
-	He fell on his cutlass,
-	Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
 There were the Scots
 Who kept the Sabbath
 And everything else they could lay their hands on.
@@ -1913,12 +1621,6 @@ would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
 %
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
-	She explained, "They are flat,
-	But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
index 45c6e47f..5a6ef8e4 100644
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
@@ -64,6 +64,12 @@ By breezes that left her quite nude,
 	And, unless I am wrong,
 You expected this line to be lewd.
 %
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
 I am not I, I'm a tree."
 	But another, more sane,
@@ -723,7 +729,7 @@ A mathematician named Hall
 Has a hexahedronical ball,
 	And the cube of its weight
 	Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call...
+Is his phone number -- give him a call.
 %
 A mathematician named Klein
 Thought the Mobius band was divine.
@@ -878,6 +884,12 @@ And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
 %
 A pretty young lady named Vogel
 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+	A curious mole
+	Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
      A curious mole
      Nosed into her hole --
 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
@@ -930,6 +942,12 @@ They have such peculiar diversions.
 	In the regular way,
 And save up the nights for perversions.
 %
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+	They make love the whole day
+	In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
 A responsive young girl from the East
 In bed was an able artiste.
 	She had learned two positions
@@ -1080,6 +1098,12 @@ Called te umpire blind out of malice.
 	The team made eight hits
 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
 %
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+	While this worthy had fits
+	The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
 A teenage protester named Lil
 Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
 	First they bugged our martinis,
@@ -1172,6 +1196,12 @@ Had a hole as big as a basket.
 	In it now, you could hide,
 And include with your luggage your mascot.
 %
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+	When she clamored for more
+	Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
 A widow whose singular vice
 Was to keep her late husband on ice
 	Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
@@ -1197,12 +1227,6 @@ Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
 Between these lips covered with hair."
 %
 A worried young man from Stamboul
-Discovered red spots on his tool.
-	Said the doctor, a cynic,
-	"Get out of my clinic
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
-%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
 Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
 	Said the doctor, a cynic,
 	"Get out of my clinic;
@@ -1432,7 +1456,7 @@ As soon as the service is through."
 An architect fellow named Yoric
 Could, when feeling euphoric,
 	Display for selection
-	Three kinds of erection-
+	Three kinds of erection --
 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
 %
 An ardent young man named Magruder
@@ -1779,12 +1803,6 @@ For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
 That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
 	But the one remedy
 	For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.		
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-	But the one remedy
-	For contagious V.D.
 Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
 %
 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
@@ -1852,6 +1870,12 @@ Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
 He hated to mend, so young Ned
 Called in a cute neighbor instead.
 	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
 	When you stitched up his torn fly,
 Did you have to bite off the thread?"
 %
@@ -1922,13 +1946,6 @@ I don't so much care for a door,
 Is getting to be quite a bore!
 		-- Gelett Burgess
 %
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-	But this walking around
-	Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore! 
-		-- Gelett Burgess
-%
 I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
 Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
 	I wonder can she tell
@@ -2038,6 +2055,12 @@ Complacently stroking his madam,
 	For on all of the earth
 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
 %
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+	He chuckled with mirth,
+	For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
 In the case of a lady named Frost,
 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
 	It's the best part of valor
@@ -2114,12 +2137,6 @@ At frigging and fucking and such.
 Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
 He tried to make love to a puma.
 	Seems the puma, in play,
-	Tore his testes away -
-- An example of animal huma.
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-	Seems the puma, in play,
 	Tore his testes away --
 An example of animal huma.
 %
@@ -2159,7 +2176,7 @@ His girl got a yen for fellatio.
 	He tried cunnilingus
 But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
 %
-Once a young gay from Khartoum,
+Once a young gay from Khartoum
 Took a lesbian up to his room.
 	They argued all night
 	Over who had the right
@@ -2226,6 +2243,18 @@ With the square root of Mu inserted
 	The result, Q.E.D.,
 Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
 %
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+	Let _V be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let _P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let _V over _P be inverted
+With the square root of _M_u inserted
+	_N times into _V ...
+	The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
+%
 Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
 Is leading me straight to perdition;
 	But I haven't the strength
@@ -2303,8 +2332,8 @@ And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
 Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
 Whose virtue was largely a myth,
 	"Try as hard as I can,
-	 I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+	I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
 %
 Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
 "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
@@ -2784,6 +2813,12 @@ Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
 There once was a couple named Kelley,
 Who lived their life belly to belly.
 	Because in their haste
+	They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+	Because in their haste
 	They used library paste,
 Instead of petroleum jelly.
 %
@@ -2805,6 +2840,12 @@ Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
 	That their asses were maimed,
 Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
 %
+There once was a feisty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+	He'd yip and he'd yap,
+	Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
 There once was a fellow named Bob
 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
 	One day he was swimmin'
@@ -3125,6 +3166,12 @@ Who could put it up to her kidney.
 	Put it up to her neck;
 He had a big one, now didn't he?
 %
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+	Concave and convex
+	It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
 There once was a man named Lodge,
 who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
 	When his date was strapped in,
@@ -3179,11 +3226,11 @@ A person of dubious gender.
 	For permission to view
 His remarkable double pudenda.
 %
-There once was a plumber from Leigh
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
 	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
 	I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
 %
 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
@@ -3992,6 +4039,12 @@ There was a young girl of Angina
 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
 	From the love-making frock
 	(With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+	From the love-making frock
+	(With the proper sized cock)
 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
 %
 There was a young girl of Asturias
@@ -4170,12 +4223,6 @@ Made a fortune performing at stud,
 	A double-beat metre,
 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
 %
-There was a young lad - name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
-	His father said, "Durcan
-	Stop jerkin' your gherkin
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
 There was a young lad from Nahant
 Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
 	When asked, "Do you fuck?"
@@ -4659,12 +4706,6 @@ She excelled at (so everyone says).
 There was a young lady of Gaza
 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
 	The crabs, in a lump,
-	Made tracks to her rump -
-This passing parade did amaze her.		
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
-	The crabs, in a lump,
 	Made tracks to her rump--
 This passing parade did amaze her.
 %
@@ -4719,7 +4760,7 @@ His whang while it sang a duet.
 There was a young lady of Norway
 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
 	She said to her beau
-	"Just look at me Joe
+	"Just look at me, Joe,
 I think I've discovered one more way."
 %
 There was a young lady of Rhyll
@@ -4806,6 +4847,12 @@ Who had strange ideas about marriage.
 	And sucked off her brother
 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
 %
+There was a young man from Bel-Air
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+	But the banister broke,
+	So he doubled his stroke,
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
 	But the banister broke
@@ -4989,6 +5036,12 @@ But of course you know I'm a liar.
 There was a young man named Crockett
 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
 	His wife was a bitch,
+	And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+	His wife was a bitch,
 	Yeah, she threw the switch,
 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
 %
@@ -5683,12 +5736,6 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short.
 	The old woman said,
 "That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
 %
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
-     When he got into bed,
-     The old woman said,
-"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
 My balls always hang in the brush,
 	And I fumble about,
@@ -6124,9 +6171,3 @@ I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
 And the band, they did not know la java."
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-	Told her Tante Louise
-	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%