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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index 17a5fab8..1ddf4a6b 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -1036,7 +1036,7 @@ considering whether there were men on base. Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to -gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the +gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 @@ -1488,7 +1488,7 @@ Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. -"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through +"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through The looks that melt, the claws that and through catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, @@ -1499,7 +1499,7 @@ Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. And paused to smoke some pot. - 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod + 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, And the Radcliffe undergrad. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 index 21165a8f..0251ab30 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 @@ -101,10 +101,10 @@ either. If you need some help, give us a call. _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ -############// |\^^/| \\############- - _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ - ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ + _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ + ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ -###############\\ (oo) //###############- - -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- + -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- -###################\\/ () \//###################- _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| @@ -296,10 +296,10 @@ steel industries. And everyone thinks computers are impersonal cold diskdrives hardware monitors -user-hostile software +user-hostile software -of course they're only bits and bytes -and characters and strings +of course they're only bits and bytes +and characters and strings and files just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend @@ -372,15 +372,15 @@ Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. -If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal +If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do -to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines -for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can +to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines +for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit -computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, -they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what +computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, +they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 @@ -583,15 +583,15 @@ the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". % - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about + A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden -itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden + The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden +itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." - The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then + The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a @@ -646,19 +646,19 @@ hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" % - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his + A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved +dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a + The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," +he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way +of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got +outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got + His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." % A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? @@ -720,7 +720,7 @@ German, can knit and can curse in Latin. told, "that one is 150,000." "Why, what can it do?" he asks. "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't -do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." +do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." -- being told in Poland, 1987 % A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, @@ -887,7 +887,7 @@ nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." % A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to -doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous +doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient @@ -1047,7 +1047,7 @@ only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad -experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his +experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) @@ -1114,15 +1114,15 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. + "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." % - A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened -to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the + A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened +to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" @@ -1187,7 +1187,7 @@ realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" Feghoot!" % After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several +earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." @@ -1314,7 +1314,7 @@ and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, -"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. +"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" % @@ -1545,7 +1545,7 @@ CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients % - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll + "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" % "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are @@ -1569,7 +1569,7 @@ white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) -p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? +p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better? % "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, @@ -1614,9 +1614,9 @@ man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. % - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." @@ -1638,7 +1638,7 @@ speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to -be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older +be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me. @@ -1709,9 +1709,9 @@ his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." % - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy + Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their +engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who +was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." @@ -1723,8 +1723,8 @@ extracurricular activity except you." % "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little +beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a +dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" % @@ -1795,7 +1795,7 @@ for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home + Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost @@ -1811,7 +1811,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no +situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned @@ -1896,7 +1896,7 @@ of her blonde companion. "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." % - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are + How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs @@ -2118,7 +2118,7 @@ we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and -repeat the sequence. +repeat the sequence. You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around @@ -2363,7 +2363,7 @@ not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings. The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, -there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the +there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments @@ -2374,7 +2374,7 @@ response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this -person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then +person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. -- Playboy, January, 1983 @@ -2571,7 +2571,7 @@ the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. in kindergarten" % Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to -do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top +do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your @@ -2598,10 +2598,10 @@ people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. -- Spike Milligan % - Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly + Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as -to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? +to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun." % Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada @@ -2697,7 +2697,7 @@ it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had therapy ask if people have had therapy. Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. +Assume that she bought them at a flea market. -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of @@ -2725,18 +2725,18 @@ can't." % Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. - "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. -"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, -born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the -program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever -stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, + "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. +"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, +born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the +program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever +stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other -times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very -*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the -program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching -the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can +times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very +*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the +program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching +the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest -hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. +hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" % Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something @@ -2792,11 +2792,11 @@ wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a normal person?" % - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back @@ -2908,8 +2908,8 @@ stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. % - Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll -through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated + Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll +through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast @@ -3242,7 +3242,7 @@ Someone I need. Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." - "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. + "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, @@ -3251,13 +3251,13 @@ time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! -Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer +Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over -here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the +here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" @@ -3688,11 +3688,11 @@ you know where it might be?" in the data center." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % - The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon -emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I + The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon +emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I have a quarter?" The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" - The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're + The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're right! Can I have a dollar?" % The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No @@ -3998,7 +3998,7 @@ you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. they're carrying upstairs!" % There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped -three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked +three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's @@ -4088,10 +4088,10 @@ spread only for demons or for gods." -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" % "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the @@ -4103,7 +4103,7 @@ country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if @@ -4228,13 +4228,13 @@ lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" % - "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile -and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a -trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced -in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and -predatory. - The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm -at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, + "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile +and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a +trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced +in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and +predatory. + The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm +at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, Kid, I'd have myself a time!" -- William Burroughs % @@ -4295,9 +4295,9 @@ destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. -- Wayfarer % - "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 -blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 -blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly + "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 +blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 +blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being ripped off..." "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and @@ -4409,7 +4409,7 @@ fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News % - "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager + "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. % @@ -4497,7 +4497,7 @@ Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. % While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, +the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" @@ -4626,13 +4626,13 @@ and you may feel free to kick his ass." -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" % "You say there are two types of people?" - "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that + "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." - "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into + "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" @@ -4763,7 +4763,7 @@ man. Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER -updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a +updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a cold boot process. @@ -4773,7 +4773,7 @@ cold boot process. A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The -Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the +Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging @@ -4795,22 +4795,22 @@ please communicate them by one of the following paths: For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* -* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not +* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== CAR and CDR now return extra values. -The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble -to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as -well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to +The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble +to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as +well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the -object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been +object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because it cold boots the machine so often. @@ -4851,16 +4851,16 @@ messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== -The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage +The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, -(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when +(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage -collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather -than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly +collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather +than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer -in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable +in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== @@ -4885,10 +4885,10 @@ We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. % **** CONVENTION REMINDER -No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects -Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice -smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel -carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button +No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects +Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice +smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel +carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. % **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE @@ -4965,7 +4965,7 @@ that he didn't force you down on the asking price. To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is -offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to +offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. @@ -4997,7 +4997,7 @@ astray by hunting and pecking. inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected -it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between +it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious @@ -5194,21 +5194,21 @@ dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. % ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) -It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge +It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not -sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, -we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call -"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a -wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. -IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom -about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so -forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic -rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL -succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed -in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those +sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, +we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call +"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a +wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. +IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom +about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so +forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic +rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL +succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed +in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory -of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe -IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly +of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe +IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. % -- THE BATES MOTEL -- @@ -5293,7 +5293,7 @@ established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- into doubt. - -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", + -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. % ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer @@ -5757,7 +5757,7 @@ of turning around three times before lying down. A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. -- John Steinbeck % -A budget is just a method of worrying +A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. % A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. @@ -5827,18 +5827,18 @@ A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it. % -A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who -had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether -various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue -invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, -and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and -asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop -between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex -string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk -was enlightened. - -From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after -string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, +A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who +had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether +various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue +invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, +and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and +asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop +between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex +string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk +was enlightened. + +From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after +string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs. % A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some @@ -5857,10 +5857,10 @@ go on to the kitty afterworld complete. the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." % A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed -a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke +a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs. - After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front + After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500. "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for @@ -5882,7 +5882,7 @@ Saturday and is going to do on Monday. A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. % -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit +A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. % A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but @@ -6114,7 +6114,7 @@ A Difficulty for Every Solution. A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. % -A diplomat is a man who can tell you to +A diplomat is a man who can tell you to go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. -- Samuel Clemens % @@ -6333,7 +6333,7 @@ assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with the engineer: - + Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide @@ -6343,7 +6343,7 @@ Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore cannot be detected in post-race tests. G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before - I decide what to do. Physicist? + I decide what to do. Physicist? Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... % @@ -6559,7 +6559,7 @@ M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. +U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" @@ -6623,7 +6623,7 @@ A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. % A king's castle is his home. % -A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, +A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. % @@ -6940,7 +6940,7 @@ some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to -her aid. +her aid. Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. @@ -7163,9 +7163,9 @@ now has no excuse for further procrastination. A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to -catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust +catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to -it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept +it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" % @@ -7318,7 +7318,7 @@ gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four-by-two's," he says. "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go -check." +check." Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable. @@ -7331,7 +7331,7 @@ conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, % A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- -A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, +A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, @@ -7345,7 +7345,7 @@ and a fool something to stick in his mouth. % A place for everything and everything in its place. -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to memory management system services.] % @@ -7399,7 +7399,7 @@ of yours to press against my heart. % A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. % -A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. +A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? @@ -7434,9 +7434,9 @@ A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. % A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of -incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague -assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents -and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of +incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague +assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents +and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. @@ -7546,7 +7546,7 @@ A robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- Blake % -A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single +A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % @@ -7857,19 +7857,19 @@ fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer -sitting in the yard watching the pig. - "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. +sitting in the yard watching the pig. + "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on -the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. +the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life." "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?" - The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you + The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." % A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother @@ -7932,7 +7932,7 @@ A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well. % -A wise man can see more from the bottom +A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. % A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. @@ -8153,11 +8153,11 @@ ABSCOND: To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative and miss the return train. % -abscond, v: +abscond, v: To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative - and miss the return train. + and miss the return train. % -Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases +Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. -- La Rochefoucauld % @@ -8433,7 +8433,7 @@ intelligence long enough to get money from it. % Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the - reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, + reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. % Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. @@ -8555,10 +8555,10 @@ right to make his laws?" his own." It was so granted. % -After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, +After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his -bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the +bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with @@ -8610,7 +8610,7 @@ charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really -precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the +precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1923. % After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with @@ -8668,7 +8668,7 @@ Agnes' Law: % Agree with them now, it will save so much time. % -Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, +Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" % @@ -8862,7 +8862,7 @@ ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish % All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that -makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and +makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. -- Samuel Beckett % @@ -9009,7 +9009,7 @@ All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, -Deep roots are not reached by the frost. +Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, @@ -9169,7 +9169,7 @@ Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. % Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. % -Always run from a knife and rush a gun. +Always run from a knife and rush a gun. -- Jimmy Hoffa % Always store beer in a dark place. @@ -9189,7 +9189,7 @@ AMAZING BUT TRUE... end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. % AMAZING BUT TRUE... - There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it + There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. % AMBIDEXTROUS: @@ -9314,7 +9314,7 @@ An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- D.E. Knuth % -An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad +An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 % @@ -9410,8 +9410,8 @@ An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. % An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. % -An efficient and a successful administration manifests -itself equally in small as in great matters. +An efficient and a successful administration manifests +itself equally in small as in great matters. -- W. Churchill % An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, @@ -9669,7 +9669,7 @@ And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and -he shouted out, "YOPP!" +he shouted out, "YOPP!" And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what @@ -9935,7 +9935,7 @@ Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. % Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. % -Antonio Antonio +Antonio Antonio Was tired of living alonio He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio @@ -10112,7 +10112,7 @@ bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long % Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. - -- R. Heinlein + -- R. Heinlein % Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn @@ -10504,7 +10504,7 @@ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make -jokes about setting fire to a goat?" +jokes about setting fire to a goat?" -- Dave Barry % As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and @@ -10643,8 +10643,8 @@ talk like that. % As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? % -As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic -schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve +As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic +schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. % As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. @@ -10772,7 +10772,7 @@ or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; @@ -11019,7 +11019,7 @@ Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. Avoid reality at all costs. % Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. +we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student % Avoid strange women and temporary variables. @@ -11056,7 +11056,7 @@ Business before pleasure." Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. -Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the +Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering @@ -11065,7 +11065,7 @@ the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It never really caught on. % -Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, +Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing. % BACKWARD CONDITIONING: @@ -11342,7 +11342,7 @@ Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. % Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which -is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but +is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that basket!" -- Mark Twain @@ -12094,9 +12094,9 @@ Business will be either better or worse. % ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge -to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women -were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still -unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and +to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women +were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still +unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute @@ -12190,8 +12190,8 @@ What nobody is sure about. % But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. % -But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than -frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? +But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than +frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? -- M. Proust % But soft you, the fair Ophelia: @@ -13200,7 +13200,7 @@ the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. -- Dan Klein % -COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler +COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. -- J.N. Gray % @@ -13270,7 +13270,7 @@ CONCEPT: % Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" + -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % Condense soup, not books! % @@ -13470,7 +13470,7 @@ COPYING MACHINE: interested in reading them. % Coronation, n: - The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible + The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce % @@ -13496,9 +13496,9 @@ His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations. % -Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell -at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure -the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse +Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell +at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure +the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention being easier to stake. % @@ -14095,7 +14095,7 @@ Deflector shields just came on, Captain. (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) - (cond + (cond ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) (lessp challenging 7)) () ) @@ -14118,10 +14118,10 @@ Delay is preferable to error. % Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 - + Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to I/O system services.] % @@ -15005,7 +15005,7 @@ double-blind Experiment, n: fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. % -Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. +Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. -- Voltaire % Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. @@ -15112,7 +15112,7 @@ Drive defensively, buy a tank. % Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever -jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the +jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the brush after them. % Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out @@ -15785,7 +15785,7 @@ Therefore fire engines are red. % Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. -The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in +The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard @@ -15829,11 +15829,11 @@ Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. % Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not +fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not -a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it -is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. +a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it +is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 % Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. @@ -15928,7 +15928,7 @@ Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk. - -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, + -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. % @@ -16140,7 +16140,7 @@ doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with respect to theories about how the process operates. - -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". + -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". % Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. @@ -16911,7 +16911,7 @@ was a gate. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system overview.] - + % For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race. @@ -16968,7 +16968,7 @@ protected species. 8 oz. shredded suet 2 small onions 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper - + Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus @@ -17139,7 +17139,7 @@ Shoes: The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. - + Making friends: A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." @@ -17196,7 +17196,7 @@ of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. Driving: - + A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting @@ -17952,7 +17952,7 @@ your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. -- Ad for the new VW Corrado % -From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. +From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -- F. Kafka % @@ -18207,7 +18207,7 @@ Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. % Get GUMMed ---------- - + The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the @@ -18307,7 +18307,7 @@ Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. % -Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. +Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. % Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". @@ -18757,7 +18757,7 @@ gossip, n: % //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH % -Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? +Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 1-800-AUDITME @@ -18839,7 +18839,7 @@ Mouse clicks numb the fingers. Heuristics weaken the mind. Options wither the heart. -The Guru observes the net +The Guru observes the net but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is as open as the ether. @@ -19024,8 +19024,8 @@ Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. % Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't - really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) -1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty + really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) +1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you @@ -19037,10 +19037,10 @@ Hacker's Guide To Cooking: beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off the ceiling(3m). "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You - just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? + just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. -"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge +"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. % @@ -19076,7 +19076,7 @@ Or help to half-a-crown." Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. -- Alfonso the Wise - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to operating system initialization.] % @@ -19139,7 +19139,7 @@ Hall's Laws of Politics: their own districts). % hand, n: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human + A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. % Handel's Proverb: @@ -19254,7 +19254,7 @@ the gravy with." The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round again, Harris and the pie were gone! - It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for + It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. @@ -19306,7 +19306,7 @@ We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." -- Dave Barry % Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with -milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the +milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do with all that pep and vitality. % @@ -19583,7 +19583,7 @@ said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" % He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. - -- John LeCarre + -- John LeCarre % He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words. @@ -19952,12 +19952,12 @@ Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. % -Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a -date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? -And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so -you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right -smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you -don't hear your girl screaming any more? +Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a +date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? +And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so +you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right +smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you +don't hear your girl screaming any more? Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! @@ -20631,7 +20631,7 @@ How come we never talk anymore? % How come wrong numbers are never busy? % -How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards +How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? -- A. Cooper % @@ -20674,12 +20674,12 @@ How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat -replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were +replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then -licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but +licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but examined his claws. "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been hers and not my own, not ever again." @@ -20798,7 +20798,7 @@ Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. % -Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! +Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! Oh wait... I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. Never mind. @@ -20820,8 +20820,8 @@ Human kind cannot bear very much reality. Human resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers % -Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, -responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and +Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, +responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -- Tom Robbins % @@ -20879,7 +20879,7 @@ V: output. -- Norman Augustine % -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. +I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- Gallagher % @@ -21318,7 +21318,7 @@ But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. % I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. % -I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. +I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up. % "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" @@ -21720,7 +21720,7 @@ Beach." % I had another dream the other day about government financial management people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they -had stepped out of a painting by Goya. +had stepped out of a painting by Goya. % I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a @@ -21784,7 +21784,7 @@ Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing. -- Stephen Wright % -I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, +I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. @@ -21821,7 +21821,7 @@ People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard Diran % -I have a simple philosophy: +I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. @@ -21876,7 +21876,7 @@ I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. -- Blaise Pascal % -I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. +I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me. -- Camillo Di Cavour % @@ -21961,8 +21961,8 @@ already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. -- Alan Bennett % -I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, -in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. +I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, +in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. -- Thoreau % I have no doubt the Devil grins, @@ -22037,8 +22037,8 @@ I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall - publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior - editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new + publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior + editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new science of data processing), c. 1957 % I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. @@ -22384,7 +22384,7 @@ But from the milk we're getting now There certainly must be one -- Ogden Nash -Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" +Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" I'm sorry now I wrote it But I can tell you anyhow I'll kill you if you quote it. @@ -22451,7 +22451,7 @@ and justice for all. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- S. Wright % -I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. +I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger % I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. @@ -22575,7 +22575,7 @@ I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every woman should marry -- and no man. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" % -I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New +I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for @@ -23155,8 +23155,8 @@ I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function effectively. -- Albert Speer % -I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all -these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these +I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all +these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. @@ -23212,7 +23212,7 @@ Dad, get me out of this. -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" % I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. -If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. +If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth. -- Charlie Chaplin % @@ -23341,9 +23341,9 @@ had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" -- Steven Wright % -"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I -know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must -be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people +"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I +know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must +be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." -- Bastian B. Bux % @@ -23377,7 +23377,7 @@ of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we forget or do not know. -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to image activation and termination.] % @@ -23512,7 +23512,7 @@ I'd never cry if I did find A blue whale in my soup... Nor would I mind a porcupine Inside a chicken coop. -Yes life is fine when things combine, +Yes life is fine when things combine, Like ham in beef chow mein... But lord, this time I think I mind, They've put acid in my rain. @@ -23569,7 +23569,7 @@ If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro % If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast -is a camel's behind. +is a camel's behind. -- Edgar R. Fiedler % If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? @@ -23713,7 +23713,7 @@ And all the skies were parchment, And all the men could write, These would not suffice To write down all the red tape -Of this Government. +Of this Government. % If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty @@ -23894,7 +23894,7 @@ he'd make it easier to get to the airport. -- George Winters % If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would -have made them cute and furry. +have made them cute and furry. -- Dave Barry % If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had @@ -24254,7 +24254,7 @@ and from that to incivility and procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) % If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think -little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and +little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey % @@ -24813,7 +24813,7 @@ was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed -in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you +in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you get my drift. % If you explain something so clearly that no @@ -24959,7 +24959,7 @@ If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon. -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" % -If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, +If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, or famous or both. % If you love someone, set them free. @@ -25052,7 +25052,7 @@ they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. -- Groucho Marx % If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, -It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. +It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. @@ -25203,7 +25203,7 @@ If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. -If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the +If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why. @@ -25314,7 +25314,7 @@ rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. % Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people -so resolutely pursuing it. +so resolutely pursuing it. % Ignore previous fortune. % @@ -25493,17 +25493,17 @@ And McGovern were a tree. % I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share -it with you. +it with you. > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and - the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. + the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. > And in LA it's 72. > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity is a million percent. > And in LA it's 72. -> In New York there are a million interesting people. +> In New York there are a million interesting people. > And in LA there are 72. % I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. @@ -25591,7 +25591,7 @@ gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you -really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but +really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. -- Carl Sagan @@ -25773,7 +25773,7 @@ because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is superior to Tops10. % -In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's +In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car it's impossible. % In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the @@ -26176,7 +26176,7 @@ the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. % -In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man +In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this @@ -26740,7 +26740,7 @@ a visiting uncle who's rich! % It happened long ago In the new magic land -The Indians and the buffalo +The Indians and the buffalo Existed hand in hand The Indians needed food They need skins for a roof @@ -26861,7 +26861,7 @@ What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis % -It is all right to hold a conversation, +It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. -- Richard Armour % @@ -26980,7 +26980,7 @@ It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who is there, but speed him when he wishes. -- Homer, "The Odyssey" - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to scheduling.] % @@ -27184,7 +27184,7 @@ mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat -rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they +rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's % @@ -27215,8 +27215,8 @@ It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. % It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious -to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, +statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious +to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. @@ -27543,7 +27543,7 @@ It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. -- Mick Jagger % "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand -any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are +any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of @@ -28039,7 +28039,7 @@ Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who -forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported +forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." @@ -28735,7 +28735,7 @@ Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Stephen Wright % -Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. +Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. % Last week's pet, this week's special. @@ -29110,7 +29110,7 @@ Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. % -L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. +L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. -- L. Pasteur % LIAR: @@ -29781,7 +29781,7 @@ Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. -- Frank Hubbard % -Lots of girls can be had for a song. +Lots of girls can be had for a song. Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. % Louie Louie, me gotta go @@ -30666,7 +30666,7 @@ Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. -- Albert Einstein % -Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what +Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. -- Russell % @@ -31384,7 +31384,7 @@ Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. % Most folks they like the daytime, 'cause they like to see the shining sun. -They're up in the morning, +They're up in the morning, off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. But when the sun goes down, and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. @@ -31717,7 +31717,7 @@ I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay In better spirits night and day. % -My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. +My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. -- Orson Welles % @@ -32427,7 +32427,7 @@ New York. New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. % Newlan's Truism: - An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the + An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. % Newman's Discovery: @@ -32990,11 +32990,11 @@ None love the bearer of bad news. -- Sophocles % None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary -to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one -ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a -job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing -forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient -he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a +to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one +ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a +job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing +forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient +he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" @@ -33157,7 +33157,7 @@ ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. - -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. + -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. % Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob Pike @@ -33169,7 +33169,7 @@ serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. -- Spinoza % -NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. +NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system @@ -33241,7 +33241,7 @@ Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. Weiler % -Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which +Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Nero Wolfe % @@ -33487,7 +33487,7 @@ Talking politics and nuclear fission We see him and he's all washed up -- Moving on into the body of a beetle Getting ready for a long long crawl -He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... +He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... Death and Money make their point once more In the shape of Philosophical assassins @@ -34121,7 +34121,7 @@ mistress". Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- Homer % -Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his +Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards." @@ -34210,7 +34210,7 @@ just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable possession. And the moral of the story is: - + The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you. % @@ -34456,7 +34456,7 @@ simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 % -One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an +One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics. -- N. Wiener @@ -34683,13 +34683,13 @@ smiles back at the rear of an elephant. Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. -- Baba Ram Dass % -Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by -placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," +Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by +placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn -food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours +food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS -and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a -modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power +and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a +modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. @@ -34783,7 +34783,7 @@ Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). % Order and simplification are the first steps toward -mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. +mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. -- Thomas Mann % OREGON: @@ -34866,7 +34866,7 @@ what it means to be a programmer." Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we -did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. +did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 @@ -36026,7 +36026,7 @@ Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! % Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! % -President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic +President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. % President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% @@ -36157,9 +36157,9 @@ techniques are very popular, even the military use them. SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. - We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true -for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n -as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is + We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true +for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n +as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") @@ -36170,7 +36170,7 @@ Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. [2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. [3] This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. -[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. +[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. [5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: @@ -36200,13 +36200,13 @@ prototype, n. upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. % -Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities +Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. % Prunes give you a run for your money. % Pryor's Observation: - How long you live has nothing to do + How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. % Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' @@ -36244,7 +36244,7 @@ Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind. % -Public use of any portable music system is a +Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso % @@ -37186,7 +37186,7 @@ QOTD: Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. - -- Goodstein, States of Matter + -- Goodstein, States of Matter % QOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. @@ -37446,7 +37446,7 @@ when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical -engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? +engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president % Razors pain you; @@ -37493,7 +37493,7 @@ limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O. % Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with -`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count +`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). % Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how @@ -37750,7 +37750,7 @@ Remembering is for those who have forgotten. % Remove me from this land of slaves, Where all are fools, and all are knaves, -Where every knave and fool is bought, +Where every knave and fool is bought, Yet kindly sells himself for nought; -- Jonathan Swift % @@ -37834,7 +37834,7 @@ actually have a shot at it. % Reunite Gondwondaland! % -Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? +Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? Bobby: Slow down. Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? Bobby: Slow down. @@ -38431,7 +38431,7 @@ schlattwhapper, n: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Schmidt's Observation: - All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap + All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. % Science and religion are in full accord but @@ -39480,7 +39480,7 @@ CONSERVATISM: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. % Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run -like a staff function." +like a staff function." -- Paul Licker % Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more @@ -39734,7 +39734,7 @@ Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. - 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore + 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen @@ -39979,7 +39979,7 @@ attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. % SPOUSE: - Someone who'll stand by you through all the + Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. % Spring is here, spring is here, @@ -41733,8 +41733,8 @@ that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks % -The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, -and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. +The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, +and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H.D. Thoreau % The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being @@ -41897,7 +41897,7 @@ and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. % The door is the key. % -The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off +The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned @@ -42095,7 +42095,7 @@ The faster I go, the behinder I get. % The Fastest Defeat In Chess The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess -master. +master. In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort @@ -42599,7 +42599,7 @@ THEN -- MONROE! NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan -*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! +*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: @@ -42763,13 +42763,13 @@ their wives and daughters to his arms. The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. -- Polish proverb % -The Greatest Mathematical Error +The Greatest Mathematical Error The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, -scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. +scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from @@ -42792,7 +42792,7 @@ The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. -- Galbraith % The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. - -- J.K. Galbraith + -- J.K. Galbraith % The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. @@ -43056,7 +43056,7 @@ A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running the dust clears." K: "And?" A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." -K: "But what about the +K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." % @@ -43453,7 +43453,7 @@ The one that got away. The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost -invented it. +invented it. In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. @@ -43611,7 +43611,7 @@ The Modelski Chain Rule: thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. % "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of -themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become +themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become of the bicuspids?" -- The Old Man and his Bridge % @@ -43719,7 +43719,7 @@ the country is the one on which you resell it. The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. % -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a +The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T.H. White % @@ -43758,7 +43758,7 @@ The most important early product on the way to developing a good product is an imperfect version. % The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating -people to approach printed matter with distrust. +people to approach printed matter with distrust. % The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders. @@ -43771,7 +43771,7 @@ The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. % The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the -participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national +participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national organization. The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The @@ -43981,7 +43981,7 @@ floor. % The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. % -The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. +The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart % @@ -44218,15 +44218,15 @@ The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. % The other line moves faster. % -The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on +The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her -head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a +head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They -went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious +went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. @@ -44545,7 +44545,7 @@ illiterates can read. -- Alberto Moravia % The real man's Bloody Mary: - Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire + Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. @@ -44603,10 +44603,10 @@ The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a hen a most elegant creature. The hen, pleased with that, Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. +And thus did the hen reward Beecher. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % -The reverse side also has a reverse side. +The reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverb % The revolution will not be televised. @@ -44849,7 +44849,7 @@ The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and -active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and +active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and @@ -44934,7 +44934,7 @@ Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. % The street preacher looked so baffled When I asked him why he dressed -With forty pounds of headlines +With forty pounds of headlines Stapled to his chest. But he cursed me when I proved to him I said, "Not even you can hide. @@ -45036,7 +45036,7 @@ It came before the first kernel. % The tao that can be tar(1)ed is not the entire Tao. -The path that can be specified +The path that can be specified is not the Full Path. We declare the names @@ -45411,7 +45411,7 @@ The Vet Who Surprised A Cow surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some -bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. +bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" @@ -45423,8 +45423,8 @@ to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. -- Jerry Brown % -The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh -restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, +The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh +restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. @@ -45730,7 +45730,7 @@ the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -The worst part of having success is trying +The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. -- Bette Midler % @@ -45776,7 +45776,7 @@ if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. They were just the first not to crash. % -The yankees, son, are up north. +The yankees, son, are up north. The damnyankees are down here. % The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of @@ -45792,9 +45792,9 @@ Linked in part to a structural weakness. She set no preconditions. % The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means -to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he +to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. -He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the +He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." @@ -45862,7 +45862,7 @@ Theorem: All programs are dull. Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is -the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides +the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % @@ -45903,7 +45903,7 @@ There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. % There are bad times just around the corner, There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky -And it's no good whining +And it's no good whining About a silver lining For we know from experience that they won't roll by... -- Noel Coward @@ -46015,7 +46015,7 @@ people who find nothing odd about it. % There are places I'll remember All my life though some have changed. -Some forever not for better +Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain. All these places had their moments With lovers and friends I still recall. @@ -46050,7 +46050,7 @@ Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge I cremated Sam McGee. -- Robert W. Service % -There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life +There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols % @@ -46100,7 +46100,7 @@ There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember. -- Italo Svevo % -There are three things I have always loved +There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- art, music, and women. % There are three things men can do with women: @@ -46163,7 +46163,7 @@ make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C.A.R. Hoare % There are two ways of disliking art. -One is to dislike it. +One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -46342,7 +46342,7 @@ There is one lonelier than you. % There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. -Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be +Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. @@ -46390,10 +46390,10 @@ There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -- Jean Giradoux % -"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing -the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries -civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. -We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward +"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing +the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries +civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. +We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race" -- Alfred North Whitehead % @@ -46697,7 +46697,7 @@ There was a young man from Verdunne. There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian -couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were +couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, @@ -47268,7 +47268,7 @@ This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! % -This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, +This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks. % This is for all ill-treated fellows @@ -47656,7 +47656,7 @@ Throw away proprietary and site licenses, and there won't be any pirating. If these three aren't enough, -just stay at your home directory +just stay at your home directory and let all processes take their course. % Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know @@ -47940,12 +47940,12 @@ Yabba-Dabba-Doo! To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine Hepburn % -to be nobody but yourself in a world +to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and -never stop fighting. +never stop fighting. -- e.e. cummings % To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, @@ -48320,7 +48320,7 @@ boarder. Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. % Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new -cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more +cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! -- Bob & Ray % @@ -48403,7 +48403,7 @@ Too ripped. Gotta go. Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. % Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: - + 10: Sorry, but that's too useful. 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell @@ -48706,7 +48706,7 @@ And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! and through The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? -It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! +It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers @@ -48808,10 +48808,10 @@ penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to -the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to +the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to the movies!" % -Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his +Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure knows when to stop." @@ -48821,8 +48821,8 @@ Two heads are better than one. % Two heads are more numerous than one. % -Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was -performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by +Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was +performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided @@ -48949,7 +48949,7 @@ coughing and drops dead. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? -It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? +It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? % Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. @@ -49566,7 +49566,7 @@ We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. % We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling -is that it is not crazy enough. +is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr % We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized @@ -50017,7 +50017,7 @@ Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. -- S.I. Hayakawa % -We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they +We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, @@ -50711,10 +50711,10 @@ And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over -- Like a syrupy sweet? - + Maybe it just sags Like a heavy load. - + Or does it explode? -- Langston Hughes % @@ -51123,7 +51123,7 @@ with as you will. What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you. -- Robert Frost - + [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to AST's.] % @@ -51199,8 +51199,8 @@ But I think it's your mind. What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? % -When a Banker jumps out of a window, -jump after him -- that's where the money is. +When a Banker jumps out of a window, +jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre % When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! @@ -51396,7 +51396,7 @@ like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car... % -When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A +When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. @@ -51460,7 +51460,7 @@ When I think about myself. Too poor to break, My folks can make me split my side, I laughed so hard I nearly died, The tales they tell, sound just like lying, -They grow the fruit, +They grow the fruit, But eat the rind, I laugh until I start to crying, When I think about my folks. @@ -51470,7 +51470,7 @@ When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. % When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. -Now I'm beginning to believe it. +Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow % When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... @@ -51819,7 +51819,7 @@ your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. % -When the Guru administers, the users +When the Guru administers, the users are hardly aware that he exists. Next best is a sysop who is loved. Next, one who is feared. @@ -51920,7 +51920,7 @@ Double and float cast to each other. High-endian and low-endian define each other. While and until follow each other. -Therefore the Guru +Therefore the Guru programs without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Warnings arise and he lets them come; @@ -52355,7 +52355,7 @@ As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to hardware interrupts.] - + And now I see with eye serene The very pulse of the machine. -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" @@ -52535,7 +52535,7 @@ Who's on first? Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han Solo % -Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. +Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. % Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? @@ -52561,16 +52561,16 @@ I love entertainment So long as it's clean. Professor Doberman: - While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded -pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified + While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded +pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic -experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one -must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in -fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one -receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have +experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one +must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in +fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one +receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its -meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be -suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive +meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be +suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive implications. % Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. @@ -52775,7 +52775,7 @@ Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? % Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? % -Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? +Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? -- The Tasmanian Devil % Wiker's Law: @@ -53116,7 +53116,7 @@ Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. -- Cornelia Otis Skinner % -Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, +Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. Socrates, quoting Plato % @@ -53504,7 +53504,7 @@ X windows: When you can't afford to be right. And you thought we couldn't make it worse. -If it works, it isn't X windows. +If it works, it isn't X windows. % X windows: You'd better sit down. @@ -54321,7 +54321,7 @@ You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. You get what you pay for. -- Gabriel Biel % -You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me +You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. -- Goethe % @@ -54366,7 +54366,7 @@ You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). % You have a message from the operator. % -You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. +You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved. % You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. @@ -54394,7 +54394,7 @@ You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. % You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. % -You have an unusual equipment for success. +You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. % You have an unusual understanding of @@ -54437,7 +54437,7 @@ If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. You humans are all alike. % You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me -at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very +at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." % You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! @@ -54539,7 +54539,7 @@ You know you're in trouble when... You know you're in trouble when... 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. -2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party +2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. @@ -54547,18 +54547,18 @@ You know you're in trouble when... 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. % You know you're in trouble when... -(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind +(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. -(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to +(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. % You know you're in trouble when... -(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your +(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your skirt is caught in your pantyhose. (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. (3) Your income tax check bounces. @@ -54567,7 +54567,7 @@ You know you're in trouble when... (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day after you bought a waterbed. (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk - clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party + clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your spouse. % You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long @@ -54837,7 +54837,7 @@ You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. % You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. % -You will be advanced socially, +You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. % You will be aided greatly by a person @@ -54861,10 +54861,10 @@ You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. % You will be held hostage by a radical group. % -You will be honored for contributing +You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. % -You will be imprisoned for contributing +You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. % You will be married within a year. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real index b7dc8dea..f24b4e9b 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.real @@ -248,19 +248,19 @@ had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!" % - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his + A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved +dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a + The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," +he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way +of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got +outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got + His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." % A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? @@ -317,14 +317,14 @@ NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" "Yeah. Me and my sister." % - A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old -Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches + A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old +Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this is eight-year-old Scotch." The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- -most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even +most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this is on the house." A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this @@ -365,7 +365,7 @@ hung than *anybody*." all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" "Running Bear Sheldon." % - A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. + A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure @@ -373,16 +373,16 @@ what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" - "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my + "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just -hasn't been your day, has it?" +hasn't been your day, has it?" % - A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this -particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the -man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very -fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, -felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under + A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this +particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the +man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very +fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, +felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, @@ -391,11 +391,11 @@ quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" % A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, -while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife +while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew -that he had ever eaten. +that he had ever eaten. "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What kind of meat is it?" "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. @@ -404,8 +404,8 @@ kind of meat is it?" "Rabbits don't make any noise..." "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" % - A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother -asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange + A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother +asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." @@ -414,9 +414,9 @@ girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!" - The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, -silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued -staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something + The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, +silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued +staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if @@ -514,18 +514,18 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. + "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." % - A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. -They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate -love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned + A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. +They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate +love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." - She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off + She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." % A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, @@ -534,7 +534,7 @@ settle for a kiss." The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" % After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several +earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." @@ -581,13 +581,13 @@ yaki-san!" The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, "What do you mean, wrong hole?" % - An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial + An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. -Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was +Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." @@ -612,21 +612,21 @@ handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?" % - An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a -man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" + An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a +man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" said the soldier. - "My name is Mary," said the woman. - "And mine is Joseph," said the man. + "My name is Mary," said the woman. + "And mine is Joseph," said the man. "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you going?" "To Bethlehem." - "Your reason for going there?" + "Your reason for going there?" "To pay our taxes to the government." "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" - "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto + "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto Ricans?" % - An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the + An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, @@ -703,23 +703,23 @@ Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast." % - Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, -Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and -subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this -sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste + Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, +Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and +subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this +sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." - Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's -blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. -Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to + Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's +blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. +Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" % - Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best + Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. - "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second -night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six -times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the + "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second +night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six +times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" @@ -739,8 +739,8 @@ unto a snowball in Hell." But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The -latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing -with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole +latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing +with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. -- Harlan Ellison % @@ -788,7 +788,7 @@ the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients % - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll + "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" % "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. @@ -809,11 +809,11 @@ to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming -in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck -the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door -she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in -response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my -ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, +in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck +the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door +she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in +response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my +ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" % @@ -829,29 +829,29 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." % - During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her + During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" % - Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a -blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, -while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved -to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a -pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." - He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, + Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a +blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, +while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved +to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a +pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." + He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no -protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she -tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. - Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the -tug at his sleeve. "Again?" +protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she +tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. + Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the +tug at his sleeve. "Again?" And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." @@ -884,27 +884,27 @@ of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten and not care." % - Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see -a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a + Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see +a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" - The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, + The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" % - Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, -obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance -floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette + Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, +obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance +floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" - The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not -all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a -girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place + The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not +all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a +girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." - "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to + "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me." % Farmer Johnson was drunk again. @@ -918,7 +918,7 @@ could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," said the guy aggressively. "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. - "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in + "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town." "Oh, no, you won't." "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." @@ -957,17 +957,17 @@ the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?" Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" % - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy + Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their +engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who +was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." % "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little +beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a +dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" % @@ -987,7 +987,7 @@ differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" % - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home + Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost @@ -1003,7 +1003,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no +situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned @@ -1050,7 +1050,7 @@ to a dead cat, do you?" -- Monty Python % "Hello, Police Department." - "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually + "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping @@ -1058,11 +1058,11 @@ on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I -couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty +couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. -Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on +Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." @@ -1286,25 +1286,25 @@ it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had therapy ask if people have had therapy. Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. +Assume that she bought them at a flea market. -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written -by a professional liar? +by a professional liar? If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: did the applicant go to TCU? If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" % - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back @@ -1354,7 +1354,7 @@ his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. - Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her + Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. @@ -1781,7 +1781,7 @@ the Church after something like that." into Safeway anymore either." % There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in -a bar having a few drinks together. +a bar having a few drinks together. The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild in bed?" "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the @@ -1804,10 +1804,10 @@ nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun it once, and the damn dog bit me!" % "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the @@ -1819,7 +1819,7 @@ country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if @@ -1859,7 +1859,7 @@ being so helpless. % This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, -sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" +sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... <sniffle>" So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. @@ -1892,37 +1892,37 @@ arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do for a living?" "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." % - Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally + Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife." - The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, + The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. -This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to +This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband. "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he asked. "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for Pete's sake, turn off those lights." - Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's + Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." % - Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club + Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago. "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?" - The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," + The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?" "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied. - After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You + After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" - The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he -exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months + The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he +exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!" "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. @@ -1931,7 +1931,7 @@ just before I came back to the States!" were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. - Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to + Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going @@ -1948,26 +1948,26 @@ and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." % - Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about + Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." - "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know + "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether. % - Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering -the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the -mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he -noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, -hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and -the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're -lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he + Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering +the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the +mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he +noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, +hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and +the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're +lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner -asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally -the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he -said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at -this ungodly hour?" +asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally +the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he +said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at +this ungodly hour?" The man said, "Come into the embalming room." - They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now + They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now watch." He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at @@ -2050,7 +2050,7 @@ Rumania. -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" % While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, +the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" @@ -2104,9 +2104,9 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." be anything else?" % You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an -elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you +elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" - "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. + "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" "Uh-huh." "Did we, uh, fool around?" @@ -2309,8 +2309,8 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill. % -A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for -more than a year. +A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for +more than a year. "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He @@ -2319,7 +2319,7 @@ A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through this part of town?" "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." - Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of + Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of thing," and turned on his heel and left. Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the @@ -2366,7 +2366,7 @@ how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" % A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and -purgatory for the purse. +purgatory for the purse. % A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right @@ -3308,7 +3308,7 @@ attendant. "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper pricks than those raised in Africa?" The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, -"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are +"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are about the same." % A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at @@ -3551,7 +3551,7 @@ AC/DC is a rock band. Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first + (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. % Adam's Law: @@ -3560,7 +3560,7 @@ Adam's Law: (2) Men know very well what they want; having got it, they begin to lose interest. % -Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, +Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... % Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- @@ -3591,8 +3591,8 @@ for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The -girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. - "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could +girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. + "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a hotel like this?" @@ -3756,7 +3756,7 @@ crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make -president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody +president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not @@ -3851,7 +3851,7 @@ America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. % An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about -the happiness of life. +the happiness of life. "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said. @@ -3866,7 +3866,7 @@ with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and -shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh +shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. % An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an @@ -3931,7 +3931,7 @@ who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" % And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God -upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of +upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of criminal at the bar of justice. -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer % @@ -4023,14 +4023,14 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. % Another stupid gay joke!!! You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry -daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't +daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come in and kick your ass?" The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo thurstay...." Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer -on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon -as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the +on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon +as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" @@ -4138,7 +4138,7 @@ the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. % As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew -his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, +his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You could have been killed!" @@ -4227,11 +4227,11 @@ popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll -give you $10 for a blow job." +give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" - Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! + Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" % Balls Law: @@ -4283,7 +4283,7 @@ beef stroganoff, n: "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance, "I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man -replied. +replied. "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." % Beifeld's Principle: @@ -4311,7 +4311,7 @@ While Riley was away. % Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. -Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. +Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. % Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. @@ -4341,9 +4341,9 @@ results. -- The Joy of Sex [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] % -Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they -discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women -can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she +Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they +discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women +can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" % Birth, copulation and death. @@ -4425,10 +4425,10 @@ brunette bush, n: bug, n: A son of a glitch. % -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. -The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about -cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with +The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about +cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" % @@ -4593,7 +4593,7 @@ a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. % CHRISTMAS: - A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry + A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year. % @@ -4864,9 +4864,9 @@ Cox's philosophy: % coyote love, n: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. coyote ugly, adj: @@ -4875,9 +4875,9 @@ coyote ugly, adj: % coyote love, n: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. coyote ugly, adj: @@ -4987,7 +4987,7 @@ Dear Confused: Dear Ann Landers: I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death -in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when +in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics. I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where @@ -5330,7 +5330,7 @@ Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. Except for women. % Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus -Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" +Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". % Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans @@ -5342,7 +5342,7 @@ cats. They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. - They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? + They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. @@ -5507,7 +5507,7 @@ For children, a woman. For pleasure, a boy. For sheer ecstasy, a melon. % -For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an +For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was raised! % @@ -5778,8 +5778,8 @@ GAY: One who'd rather swish than fight. % GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because -you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too + You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because +you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. % Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? @@ -5791,8 +5791,8 @@ George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the -foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw -another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up +foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw +another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" % George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he @@ -6300,7 +6300,7 @@ pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. % He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. % -He who trains his tongue to quote the learned +He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. -- Howard Kandel % @@ -6683,7 +6683,7 @@ one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the -court was going to take a nap. +court was going to take a nap. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" % Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, @@ -7141,7 +7141,7 @@ I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. % I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. % -I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. +I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -7789,7 +7789,7 @@ I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. -Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't +Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't they beautiful?" "Just fair," was the answer. "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, @@ -7990,7 +7990,7 @@ Each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two and a half -- And you thought that they went for water. % -Jack and Jill +Jack and Jill Went up the hill, Each had a buck and a quarter! Jill came down, @@ -8042,7 +8042,7 @@ Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. % Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. - "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the + "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the women and children aboard the lifeboats first." "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. "Do we have time?" Hart asked. @@ -8064,7 +8064,7 @@ Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. % Just go with the flow control, roll with the -crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. +crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. % Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys @@ -8639,7 +8639,7 @@ billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice -views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so +views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry % @@ -8813,13 +8813,13 @@ to screw again as long as I live. % My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. % -My travel agent's an Oxford chap +My travel agent's an Oxford chap Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. -I asked him about the Isle of Man +I asked him about the Isle of Man For a journey of about six weeks. -And this is what he said to me +And this is what he said to me As he looked me right in the eye, -"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip +"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip Of Elephant Shit On Rye." A brand-new store just opened its door @@ -9179,15 +9179,15 @@ Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady -and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. -The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna -fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I -wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you -sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona +and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. +The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna +fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I +wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you +sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go -to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say -you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man -at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I +to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say +you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man +at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna back to Italy. % Once a woman has given you her heart you @@ -9230,20 +9230,20 @@ know, the bull surprised the brown cow." Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. -"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic -and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, -bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among -his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. -It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and -began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this -rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, -however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next -morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in -the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure -enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer -shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told -you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head -toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to +"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic +and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, +bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among +his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. +It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and +began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this +rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, +however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next +morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in +the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure +enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer +shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told +you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head +toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to the birds above. "I think they're coming down." % Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One @@ -9286,7 +9286,7 @@ all his might. Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" - The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been + The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" % @@ -9709,7 +9709,7 @@ polish fly, n: % Politicians do it to everyone. % -Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. +Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the @@ -9809,7 +9809,7 @@ out the door. pubic hair, n: Organic dental floss. % -Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, +Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, And frollicked in the Autumn mist, And drank Manishiewitz wine. Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, @@ -10446,9 +10446,9 @@ quickie, n: No sooner spread than done. % QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight -equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in +equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully -grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis +grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. @@ -11172,7 +11172,7 @@ successful cunnilingus: SUGAR DADDY: A man who can afford to raise cain. % -Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! +Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. % Sure banking is Biblical! @@ -11698,12 +11698,12 @@ took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. - The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. -Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, + The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. +Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to -overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster +overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster maintained a formidable lead. - Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the + Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." @@ -11895,7 +11895,7 @@ inquired. The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the -dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's +dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." % The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. @@ -12003,7 +12003,7 @@ youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against nature. The bully!" "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." - "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same + "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." % @@ -12041,7 +12041,7 @@ stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. % -Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or +Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. % Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting @@ -12124,7 +12124,7 @@ beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash I've had my pecker in for a long time!" % -There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a +There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. % There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- @@ -12193,18 +12193,18 @@ Got his testicles caught in a wringer. There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing -the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. - One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry -tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, -feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, -but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to -participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not +the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. + One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry +tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, +feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, +but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to +participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." - Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom + Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small -load!" +load!" % There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to @@ -12314,13 +12314,13 @@ DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. % This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women -stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, -looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a -stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly -desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a -one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he -decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, -and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the +stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, +looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a +stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly +desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a +one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he +decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, +and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when @@ -12425,10 +12425,10 @@ Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series -of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month +of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't -be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was -going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake +be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was +going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. @@ -12488,8 +12488,8 @@ it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." % -Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the -better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was +Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the +better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was going to test their ability at situation reasoning. "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several @@ -12801,7 +12801,7 @@ had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." - "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to + "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her back." "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. @@ -12864,7 +12864,7 @@ TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. - Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed + Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. % USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- @@ -12996,7 +12996,7 @@ We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's -only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your +only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die and stink to Heaven. @@ -13415,7 +13415,7 @@ the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or Jack off." "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." % -When I need something +When I need something To help me unwind I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy With a one-track mind Does a lot for me @@ -13555,7 +13555,7 @@ will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent -erection. +erection. Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" % diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/fortune/datfiles/limerick index 05c3ab78..95b50971 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -86,7 +86,7 @@ The mouse on the m"obius strip; In a chronodimensional skip. % If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, -It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. +It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real index 5a6ef8e4..f058920b 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -2612,7 +2612,7 @@ Mutual masturbatorium. % The nipples of Sarah Sarong When excited are twelve inches long - This embarrassed her lover + This embarrassed her lover Who was pained to discover She expected no less of his dong % @@ -3396,7 +3396,7 @@ There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. % There was a gay dog from Ontario Who fancied himself a Lothario. @@ -4199,7 +4199,7 @@ Who filled her vagina with glue. "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it too." % -There was a young harlot named Schwartz +There was a young harlot named Schwartz Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, And they tickled so nice She drew a high price @@ -4802,7 +4802,7 @@ And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. There was a young lady of fashion Who had oodles and oodles of passion. To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, + As they climbed into bed, "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" % There was a young lady who said, diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd index ae4dd74a..ea7836b3 100644 --- a/fortune/datfiles/netbsd +++ b/fortune/datfiles/netbsd @@ -540,7 +540,7 @@ Where would you have rather been today, tomorrow? NetBSD. With many thanks to the core team and UCB CSRG. -- Greywolf % -Young or old; cutting edge or yesterday's NeWS, NetBSD is the UNIX for you. +Young or old; cutting edge or yesterday's NeWS, NetBSD is the UNIX for you. It can be a hulking monster in your basement, or fit in the palm of your hand. -- Richard Rauch |