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Roosevelt -% -A friend with weed is a friend indeed. -% -A hard man is good to find. -% -A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. -% -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a -good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious -scruples and the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% -A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately -wrong with a high sense of consistency. - -- J. K. Galbraith -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% -A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. -% -A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely -called a liberal. -% -A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is -having fun. -% -A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep -up with yesterday. -% -A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her -drawers. - -- Blind Lemon Pledge -% -A.I. hackers do it with robots. -% -Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. -% -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Achilles' Biological Findings: - (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he - looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first - -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the - rooster. -% -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget - cuts. -Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. -Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. -% -All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm -place to shift. -% -All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. - -- R. Crumb -% -All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, - All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; -Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, - He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. -All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, - All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. -Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. - Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. -All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. - Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. - -- Monty Python's Flying Circus -% -America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it -wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee -% -An Army travels on her stomach. -% -An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets -eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only -person who will sit on its face is its mother. -% -"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" - -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" -% - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" -% -... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps... -% -Anxiety, n.: - The first time you can't do it a second time. - -Panic, n.: - The second time you can't do it the first time. -% -"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." - -- Claude Shouse - -"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." - -- Joseph C. Wang -% -Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons -released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and -enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was -popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- -blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from -back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- -slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, -"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked -appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the -spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah -honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, -hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" -% -Baltimore, n.: - Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea -collars. -% -Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). -% -Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think -Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? - - (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. - (2) Advising the President. - (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. - -- David Letterman -% -Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. -Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. -Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, -Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Behold the unborn fetus and - Weep salt tears crocodilian; -All life is sacred (save, of course, - An enemy civilian). -% -Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on -gin. - -- Ralph Nader -% -Beneath this stone a virgin lies, -For her life held no terrors. -A virgin born, a virgin died: -No hits, no runs, no errors. -% -Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all -evil. -% -Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. -% -Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. -% -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, -Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was -the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; -nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American -Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in -the country was hopelessly trapped. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% -... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot -be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the -benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter -is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with -him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch -of knuckles. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" - -"Uh, not right now." - -"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." - -- "Real Genius" -% -Captain Hook died of jock itch. -% -Champagne don't make me lazy. -Cocaine don't drive me crazy. -Ain't nobody's business but my own. - -- Taj Mahal -% -Chaste makes waste. -% -Chipmunks roasting on an open fire -Jack Frost ripping up your nose -Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire -And folks dressed up like buffaloes -Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow -Helps to make the season right -Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out -Will find it hard to see tonight -They know that Santa's on his way -He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh -And every mother's child is sure to spy -To see if reindeer really scream when they die -And so I'm offering this simple phrase -To kids from one to ninety two -Although it's been said many times, many ways -Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! -% -Christian, n.: - One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired -book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who -follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent -with a life of sin. -% -Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found -difficult and not tried. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -Clarke's Third Law: - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from -magic. - -G's Third Law: - In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe -is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. - -H's Dictum: - There is no magic... -% -Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to -fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the -contrary. - -- Tom Robbins -% -CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) - -Oh, give me a clone -Of my own flesh and bone - With the Y chromosome changed to X. -And when she is grown, -My very own clone, - We'll be of the opposite sex. - -Chorus: - Clone, clone of my own, - With the Y chromosome changed to X. - And when we're alone, - Since her mind is my own, - She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - -- Randall Garrett -% -Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -% -Coito ergo sum -% -College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months -later you wish you'd never come. -% -Communists do it without class. -% -Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. -% -Conservative, n.: - One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. - -- Leo C. Rosten -% -Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. -% -Cunnilingus is next to godliness. -% -Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you -pillage!! -% -Dear Lord, observe this bended knee -This visage meek and humble, -And hear this confidential plea -Voiced in reverent mumble: - Give me Shylock, give me Fagin - But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - -- Ansel Adams -% -Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement -to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls -himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot -politically. But the designations may be good business for war -veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have -bled it all they could consequently. And why not? - -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" -% -Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a -Communist politician is through, he is through. -% -Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for -the people. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? - - ... Seats 500. -% -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? -% -Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? -% -[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are -two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: - -(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and - confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold - a press conference where you announce that they have a street value - of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, - including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana - cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker - factory puts them there. -(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you - announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a - piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always - get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to - state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie - where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a - fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and - vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong - impression. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -Do something big -- fuck a giant -% -"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. -"Who else?" answered the patient. -% -Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. -% -Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - -- Bo Diddley -% -Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get -you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% -Draft beer, not people -% -Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. -% -Eisenhower was very nice, -Nixon was his only vice. - -- C. Degen -% -Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: - (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to - sleep in the wet spot. - (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find - themselves. - (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is - married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves - your brother! - (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. - (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are - wet. - (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a - boy". - (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. - (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. - (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the - pillow. - (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. - (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you - left it. -% -Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant -professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a -male schlemiel. - -- Ewald Nyquist -% -Evangelists do it with Him watching. -% -Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous ... - -- Robert Benchley -% -Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of -women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their -handbags are full. - -- Earl Wilson -% -Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, -licentious, dirty bum!! -% -Floppy now, hard later. -% -For those of you who have been looking for evidence that a working -version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof -offered by Caspar Weinberger: - - "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been - working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" - - -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 -% -Fornication, n.: - Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: - -Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, - and you didn't scream? -A: No ma'am. -Q: Does that mean you consented? -A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. -% -George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but -he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't -punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. -% -Getting an education at the University of California is like having -$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. -% -Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - -- Mark Twain -% - God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no -matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly -pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent -merriment. - Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone -agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and -lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, -though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along -innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% -God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. -% -God is an atheist. -% -GOD is applied POWER - which is applied GOVERNMENT - which is applied POLITICS - which is applied ADVERTISING - which is applied SOCIOLOGY - which is applied PSYCHOLOGY - which is applied BIOLOGY - which is applied CHEMISTRY - which is applied PHYSICS - which is applied MATH - which is applied PHILOSOPHY - which is applied BULLSHIT -% -"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for -I knew that Santa would never lie. -% -God is big, so don't fuck with him. -% -God isn't dead -- he's been busted. -% -God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. -% -God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. -% -God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on -where to go. - "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. - "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. - "Well, how about Mercury?" - "No, it's too hot there." - "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" - "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was -there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're -still talking about it." -% -Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. -% -Grain grows best in shit. - -- Ursula K. LeGuin -% -Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. -% -Great Lover, n.: - A man who can breathe through his ears. -% -Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. -% -Hackers do it with bugs. -% -Hackers do it with fewer instructions. -% -Hackers know all the right MOVs. -% -Haggis, n.: - Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and -considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human -consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or -other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled -in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... -% -Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is -to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal -difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the -former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) -facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the -historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their -ankles in bullshit. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used -for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such -attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous -as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the -Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God -finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - -- R. E. Masters -% -He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. -% -He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they -_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's -qualified for! - -- Michael Cain -% -He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink -damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. -% -He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own -hands. -% -He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's -ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a -stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed -him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! -He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off -this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n -Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic -processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no -longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... - - THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! -% -Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest -in a yak. - -- Woody Allen -% -Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. -% -Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with -the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul -Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define -pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther -King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: - - * Governmental offices - * Post offices - * Libraries - * Schools - * Banks - * Parts of Palm Beach - -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" -% -History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- -i.e., none to speak of. - -- Lazarus Long -% -How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the -government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was -gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be -lucky to escape with our skins! -% -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - -- John Valby -% -Hugh Hefner is a virgin. -% -I am an atheist, thank God! -% -I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it -once was ... an arctic wilderness. - -- Steve Martin -% -I came; I saw; I fucked up. -% -I have a funny daddy -Who goes in and out with me -And everything that baby does -Daddy's sure to see, -And everything that baby says, -My daddy's sure to tell. -You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. -I hope he fries in Hell. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. -% -I own my own body, but I share. -% -I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as -Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet -trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to -go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports -that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of -oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate -commerce. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else -that has ever happened, and vice versa. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we -had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized -dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery -from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle -Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were -with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for -them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of -an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets -of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near -to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? -What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a -Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, -the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties -of an Untenured Professor? - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% -I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is -going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out -your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother -and father. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that -scares the shit out of me. - -- R. Geis -% -I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on -now. -% -I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say -"I've just had a good war." - -- Mae West -% -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to -watch him have another. -% -If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't -work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. -% -If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a -bit surprised. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned -showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this -corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. - -- S. J. Perelman -% -If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in -James Watt's office. - -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV -% -If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 -apostles. -% -If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? -% -If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? -% -If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -% -If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. -% -If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would -suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only -fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, -only two went back to women. - -- Mort Sahl -% -If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream -and never be our destiny. - -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson -% -If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you -should join - - THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF - -The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who -don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In -addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the -following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: - - -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which - UFOs come. - -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. - -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. - -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared - the circle. - -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. - -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. - -Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being -studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were -done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject -of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... -% -If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody -in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. -% -If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. -% -If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a -buzz-saw. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. - -- Robert Burton -% -In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with -reality at any point. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% - In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was -without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So -they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, -and it stinks." - - And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, -the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a -container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide -before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto -the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer -and none may abide by its strength." - - And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the -Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and -it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto -the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - - And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that -it was Good! -% -Incest, n.: - Sibling revelry. -% -Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time -someone writes "bible thumpers?" - -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu -% -It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be -classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". -% -"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then -god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." - -- Frank Zappa -% -It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The -Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital -lies. - -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" -% -Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. -% -Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! - -- Daniel Hinojosa -% -Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. -% -John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized -apoplexy. - -- Edward P. Morgan -% -Kasha, n.: - Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only -one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat -groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't -help *___you* much. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Kill a commie for Christ! -% -Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, -all will end as doves. -% -Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -% -LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! - -So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! -% -... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, -you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of -fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating -stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they -had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased -publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. -Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire -primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came -back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his -neck. - -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" -% -Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's -hard you get fucked. -% -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... -% -Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't -fruits and nuts is flakes. -% -Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. -% -Mathematicians do it in theory. -% -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% -May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. -% -May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! -% -Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city -nativity scene removed: - "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men -and a virgin in the whole organization." -% -Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on - ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" - -(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" - -Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" -% -Missionary Position: - The missionary on top. -% -Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a -boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. -% -Motto of the Electrical Engineer: - Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it -stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. -% -My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around -with his head stuck up his ass. -% -My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of -saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, -drunk or sober. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my -family, it seems, begins where yours left off. - -- Alexandre Dumas, pere -% - My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps them to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! -% - NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: -"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a -short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% -No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether -she will or will not be a mother. - -- Margaret H. Sanger -% -Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing is better than Sex. -Masturbation is better than nothing. -Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. -% -Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. -% -O'Riordan's Theorem: - Brains x Beauty = Constant. - -Purmal's Corollary: - As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, -availability goes to zero. -% -Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. -% -Occident, n.: - The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It -is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the -Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which -they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the -principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Ocean, n.: - A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for -man -- who has no gills. -% -Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to -fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, -the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. -After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to -earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this -little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure -warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow -began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the -chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, -he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. - -There are three morals to this story: - -(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. -(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. -(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. -% -One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout -were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of -nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. -Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four -passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared -"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must -be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As -leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for -democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are -following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that -there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The -Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and -productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's -hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but -there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." -% -One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not -there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los -Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded -and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some -cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of -each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. -Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be -crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural -resources and our taxes. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has -occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. - -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent - Life in the Universe" -% -Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to -look at the other guy's. - -- Hal Hickman -% -Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where -the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to -help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second -basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, -but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere -near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal -with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males -still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had -to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she -probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever -considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in -a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave -national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to -gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the -exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem -never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% - Overheard in a bar: -Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" -Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." -% -People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world -citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. - -- Norman Cousins -% -Physicists do it with charm. -% -Politicians do it to everyone. -% -Posterity will ne'er survey -A nobler grave than this; -Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; -Stop, traveler, and piss. - -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh -% -Procrastinators do it tomorrow. -% -Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and -still come out ahead. -% -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck - by lightning first. -% -Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your - backyard? -A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... -% -Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, - or an airline stewardess? -A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: - "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it - right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your - mouth and nose, and breathe normally." -% -Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the - screwing began. -% -Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. -% -Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? -A: As much as he wants. -% -Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah - be? -A: A fur coat. -% -Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? -A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? -A: A rebel without a clue. -% -Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? -A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! -% -Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? -A: A cheese grater. -% -Q: What's Jewish foreplay? -A: Two hours of begging. -% -Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? -A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. -% -Q: Where does virgin wool come from? -A: Ugly sheep. -% -Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? -A: So she can moan with the other! -% -Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in -exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must -devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate -from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to -Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are -weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be -reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" -% -Randel, n.: - A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology -for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & - Preposterous Words -% -Reagan can't _a_c_t either. -% -Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only -sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's -changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't -grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up -liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to -do with the other. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this -country. The remainder is thrown out. -% -Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. -Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. - -Democrats eat the fish they catch. -Republicans hang them on the wall. - -Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican -girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. - -Democrats make up plans and then do something else. -Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. - -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. -The remainder is thrown out. - -Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. -That is why there are more Democrats. - -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson -% -Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom -any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. -% -Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo -% -Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! -% -Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is -needed. -% -Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight -are unimportant. - -- Henry Miller -% -Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had -you any other way." -% -She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic -candidates for president. - -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist - Elizabeth Gould Davis -% -... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse -is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the -1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was -considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever -showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts -would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the -overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think -nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking -Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -Sooner or later, generals will own you. -% -Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. -% -Statisticians probably do it. -% -Subpoena, n.: - From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male -organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." -% -Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! - -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, - the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle - Association -% -Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if -you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. -% -Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he -forgets? -% -Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I -am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled -at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. - -- Dave Barry -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't -just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable -from the food it produces. -% - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You -claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in -his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - - "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but -not much good in a fight." -% -The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the -cactus has the pricks on the outside. -% -... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 -% - The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint - -My back aches, my pussy is sore; -I simply can't fuck any more; - I'm covered with sweat, - And you haven't come yet, -And my God, it's a quarter to four! -% -The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been -putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. -% -THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense -Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates -jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't -know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set -it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs -because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 -warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have -your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the -Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the -Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes -by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More -Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a -Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. -We are talking about a lot of jobs. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. -% -The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France -on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an -acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke -French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word -the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a -picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a -ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant -with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After -dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to -several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious -evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and -drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never -be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. -% -The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a -chance to prove it. -% -The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around -in front every time you want to kiss her. -% -The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we -currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very -old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them -are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses -directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we -ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they -could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with -the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging -over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some -recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners -are not. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a -dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick -and I can wash it as fast as I want!" -% - The Split-Atom Blues - -Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ... -But if you split those atoms fine, - Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! - -Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... -Call the devil and sell my soul, - But Mama keep dem atoms whole! - -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" -% -The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual -curiosity. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling -their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from -the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to -ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that -its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do -enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The United States Army: -194 years of proud service, -unhampered by progress. -% -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% -The voters have spoken, the bastards... -% -The whole world is about three drinks behind. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% -The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in -almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people -have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged -down in silly puns about "standing erect". -% -The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. -% - Them Toad Suckers - -How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? -Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! - -Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, -Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. - -Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? -Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! - -Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, -Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! - -How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, -Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - -- Mason Williams -% -There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their -contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to -bomb a virgin building is terrific. - -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. -% -There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America -have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of -America, with all of the military strength of America, those -revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic -organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are -oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] - -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas -% -There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. -% -There is a God, but He drinks. - -- Blore -% -There were the Scots -Who kept the Sabbath -And everything else they could lay their hands on. -Then there were the Welsh -Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. -Thirdly there were the Irish -Who never knew what they wanted -But were willing to fight for it anyway. -Lastly there were the English -Who considered themselves a self-made nation -Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I -really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do -anything to me. - -- John Wayne -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. -% -There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter -and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. - -- Billy Joel -% -There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - -- David Mairowitz -% -This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an -actual emergency, you would have known it! -% -This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. -% -This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put -"di-dah" for the filthy words: - - Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, - Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - di-dah di-dah di-dah? - Di-dah di-dah di-dah. - Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. -% -This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management -personal to various situations. - -You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives -in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and -egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. -Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass -bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. - -YOU SHOULD: - -(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. -(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. -(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. -% -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% -To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. -% -Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad -name. - -- Gore Vidal -% -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, -Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled -And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. - -"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through -The looks that melt, the claws that and through - catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! -Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, -The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. - -He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? -Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! - sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" -So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. -And paused to smoke some pot. - 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod - Did groove and trip out at the pad: - All whimsy were the slamming chicks, - And the Radcliffe undergrad. -% - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn -how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, -you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". - All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where -their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. - "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." -His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the -room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" - "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass -it ain't gonna be Cheerios." -% -Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the -opposite. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid -or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth -noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -% -Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" -% -Vidi, vici, veni. -(I saw, I conquered, I came.) -% -Virgin, n.: - An ugly third grader. -% -War is menstruation envy. -% -Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. - -- W. C. Fields -% -We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -% -We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. - -- James Watt -% -We have reason to believe that man first -walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole -country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really -[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- -reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the -Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George -Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this -unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as -though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes -President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so -they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to -George talk. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had -my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely -you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! -% -Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt -great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just -felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at -him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor -quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier -than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just -bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE -ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages -to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the -jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that -was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: -"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this -elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; -picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. -The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: -"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so -pissed." -% -What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. -% -What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? -A Dan Quayle watch. -% -What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry -Ford? - -Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. -% - "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you -didn't believe in God." - "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the -God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's -not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -When God created man, She was only testing. -% -When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. - -- Charles Merrill Smith -% -When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that -can't happen. - -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) -% -When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's -rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! -% - When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her -operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it -would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't -thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first -patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% -White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it -so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. -% -Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are -horses? - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them -then she isn't good enough for you. -% -Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! -% -Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination - -- Graffito in a women's restroom -% -Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. -% -Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed -problem down the hall? -% -Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left -the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. - -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" -% -You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the -wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" -(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's -age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are -introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style -handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, -such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but -only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, -as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? - -- Ronald Reagan -% -You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an -uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a -no-no, you: - -(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid - motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th - joint. - -(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize - to the one who makes his nose bleed first. - -(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, - blow your nose on your sock. -% -You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose -your girlfriend gets the munchies! -% -You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. - -- Frederick B. Artz -% -You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't -pick your friend's nose. -% -You can't underestimate the power of fear. - -- Tricia Nixon -% -You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to -get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams -% -You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January -and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live -there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: - -(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your - name. - -(b) Ask what position she played. - -(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. -% -You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this -proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your -proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits -into your coffee. You: - -(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. - -(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. - -(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" - basket. -% -You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying -to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. - -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b -% - ... But among the children of the Great Society there were -those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, -and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... - Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and -they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my -people go to the front of the bus." - But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all -deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove -yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like -unto a snowball in Hell." - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% -There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, -Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the -Fatherland. - -- Adolf Hitler |