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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o new file mode 100644 index 00000000..b10a0985 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -0,0 +1,15338 @@ + PLAYGIRL, Inc. + Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 +Dear Sir: + Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to +inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On +a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women +ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the +age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing +long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman +ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate +in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call +us. + Sympathetically, + Amanda L. Smith + +p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you + wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? +% + MOUNTIES: +I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, +I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works + all day. + +I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, +I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. +On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, +And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. + +I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, +I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. +I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, +And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. + +I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, +Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? +I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... +Just like my dear Pappa. +% + FROM THE DESK OF + Snow White + +Dear Snow White: + + Thanks for last night. + + Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful +% + LEPROSY +Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. +I'm not half the man I used to be. +Oh, how did I get leprosy? + +Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss. +Now it even hurts to take a piss. +Oh why did I get syphillis? + +Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. +I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... + -- To the tune of "Yesterday" +% + THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF + +An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth +Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all +who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. +In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following +beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: + + --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from + which UFOs come. + --That pi equals precisely 3.000. + --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully + squared the circle. + --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. + +Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, +including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood +special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal +Bull. +% + The Snack +Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. + +What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. + +Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't + recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates + caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have + I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? + +But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. + And am I not the master of my own? + +Nothing to eat? + What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you + just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed + Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. + +Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. + -- L.L. Zeiger +% + ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even +worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the +1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was +considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever +showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would +have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect +was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such +as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% + A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks +over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" + "No." + So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. +% + A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife +of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he +drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she +probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." + When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He +says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" + "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. + "Is she with her lover?" + The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say +that I feel terrible about how she treats you." + The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you +say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check +to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating +two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to +the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." +The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, +silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back +to the phone and says "It's done." + The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" + "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. + "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" +% + A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. +This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use +them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the +following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that +he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate +the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to +see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the +Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. +At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, +he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. +Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy +his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is +brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends +down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it +right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" +% + A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a +buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and +the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the +boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks +the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, +the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if +they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. + Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the +farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of +frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling +in the mud. + Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I +don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check +today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. + "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" + "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in +the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" +% + A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did +for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do +all day?" + Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." + "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" + Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a +mailman." + "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" + Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a +whorehouse." + The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. +Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father +answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded +an explanation. + Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do +you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" +% + A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice +from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. + "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think +you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let +him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." + The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths +are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly +gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in +the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal +Pretzel hold. + The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down +on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a +scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and +pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach +finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out +of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" + "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw +this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured +what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, +you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" +% + A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical +island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that +could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They +were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of +the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to +the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head +downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the +charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two +men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. +Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with +blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could +only blurt out, "What happened?" + "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the +ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I +grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left +hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of +the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down +to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" +% + A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops +in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, +and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a +conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar +go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by +seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. + 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: +"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" +He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. + "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and +hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her +goodbye, and runs out the front door. + He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the +doorway. + "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." + "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went +to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We +had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." + "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! +You've been bowling again!" +% + A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved +dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his +brother and inquires after his pet. + "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. + The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," +he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way +of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got +outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a +corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" + "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." + "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? +How's Mom?" + His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got +outside one day..." +% + A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? +I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." + A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that +be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." + "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my +dog's stuck in its throat." +% + A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, +"Hi, honey, I'm home." + There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note +on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about +8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when +I get home." + Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his +stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over +from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the +doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired +girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. + He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he +was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in +the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and +complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" +% + A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing +out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" + "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" + The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green +valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," +he says. + Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, +"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" +% + A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a +terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at +Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got +homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've +got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress +who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." + The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss +something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." + "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." +% + A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The +bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. + "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. + About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and +6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" + To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers +are lovers." + Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders +NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone +in your family like pussy?" + "Yeah. Me and my sister." +% + A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old +Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches +down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip +and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this +is eight-year-old Scotch." + The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, +pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- +most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even +had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this +is on the house." + A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this +conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." +The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which +the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" +% + A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks +up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the +little Leprechaun. + After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, +struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction +worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, +Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is +pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. + After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and +walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. +Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, +after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him +in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off +his little dick!" + Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." + "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" + "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" +% + A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country +flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a +large button with the letters "NAA" on it. + "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. + "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. + After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my +asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' +men?" + "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better +hung than *anybody*." + "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" + "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last +all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" + "Running Bear Sheldon." +% + A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. +He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some +gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights +were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure +what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, +"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was +a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his +ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" + "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my +clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" + "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just +hasn't been your day, has it?" +% + A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this +particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the +man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very +fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, +felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under +the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" + Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as +quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, +"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" + With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd +like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" +% + A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, +while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife +was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the +Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. + The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew +that he had ever eaten. + "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What +kind of meat is it?" + "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. + "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." + "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." + "Rabbits don't make any noise..." + "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" +% + A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother +asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange +symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. + The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, +"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." + The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little +girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She +turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" + "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as +kissed a man!" + The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, +silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued +staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something +wrong out there?" + "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything +like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if +another one was going to show up." +% + A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon +two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what +I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". + As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, +he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." +% + A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a +car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe +and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. +Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. + Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was +decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't +driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" + "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged +aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved +at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" + "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger +like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" +% + A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have +some good news and some bad news." + He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." + She replied, "You're not sterile." +% + A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the +consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The +sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable +for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly +and lustful pursuits. + The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, +if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, +then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he +is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. + The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, +a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the +affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair +is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he +is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with +his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" +% + A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking +for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his +qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the +white man and said: "You leave! No job!" + The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but +that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow +him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. + "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making +your dog, here, talk!" + "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he +heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me +good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" + "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, +"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" + "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he +heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to +the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." + The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his +final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. + "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" +% + A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom +asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" + She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after +work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men +should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." + So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: +"You get laid today, Billy?" + "Yeah, Dad." + "How was it?" + "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." + "Good Boy!". + A month later: "You get laid today?" + "No, Dad." + "No? How come?" + "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." +% + A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The +Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." + The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for +miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. + Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." + -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent + Life in the Universe" +% + A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were +to die, would you remarry?" + After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in +this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." + The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" + "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." + "Well, would you live in this house?" + "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. +I've always loved it here." + "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" + "No." + "Why not?" + "She's left handed." +% + A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. +They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate +love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned +to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." + She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off +my pantyhose." +% + A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, +whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to +settle for a kiss." + The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" +% + After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient +earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several +minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. + "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a +name for my baby." + "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds +of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. + "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first +name." +% + All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his +number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas +was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the +vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really +expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for +Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the +NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner +is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" +TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. + We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. +Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent +to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding +their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best +running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. + But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National +Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting +drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not +always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip +if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% + An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before +officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha +house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, +yaki-san." + Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first +Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." + When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, +which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. +After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made +a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! +Bonsai!" + Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the +new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, +yaki-san!" + The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, +"What do you mean, wrong hole?" +% + An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial +city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish +arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained +the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the +testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. + The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. +Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was +served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are +much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." + "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." +% + An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her +porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She +picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie +tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. + After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and +beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, +voluptuous woman. + After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich +for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are +stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. + The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" + "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my +faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young +handsome prince!" + And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, +handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. + As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to +the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me +fixed?" +% + An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a +man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" +said the the soldier. + "My name is Mary," said the woman. + "And mine is Joseph," said the man. + "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you +going?" + "To Bethlehem." + "Your reason for going there?" + "To pay our taxes to the government." + "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" + "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto +Ricans?" +% + An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the +remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, +"I have a dead pussy." + The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, +"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." +% + And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" + They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the +ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our +very selfhood revealed." + And Jesus replied, "What?" +% + "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best +to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the +posh hotel. + "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. + "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. + "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me +a postcard?" +% + Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how +Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only +an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, +rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling +a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, +all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just +15 minutes a day! + SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate +sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through +the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal +muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the +"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and, +of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, +using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! + SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely +immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely +textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and +limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. +% + Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that +his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young +executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight +loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two +pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he +was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that +"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he +finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had +lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that +was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same +regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, +he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the +following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown +to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely +muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into +a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" +% + Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American +Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to +the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only +one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me +have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow +was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, +"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." + Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of +squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a +headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. +Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" +Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, + me fuck-em all." +Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" +Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." +Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" +Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." +Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" +Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run + too fast." +% + Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, +Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and +subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this +sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste +treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." + Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's +blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. +Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to +see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. + "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. + "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" +% + Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best +friend asked him how it went. + "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second +night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six +times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the +last night, nothing!" + "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" + "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" +% + But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose +skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted +calf they were sucking hind teat... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they +called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to +the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% + But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that +cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin +to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The +latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing +with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole +bunch of knuckles. + -- Harlan Ellison +% + "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with +your penis?" + "Uh, not right now." + "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." + -- Real Genius +% + Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one +particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, +a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, +said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew +himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up +your ass, you ugly cunt." + When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to +the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if +you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and +your play can go fuck yourselves." + At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table +to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And +if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's +unhesitating retort. + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% + "Daddy?" + "Yes son." + "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" + "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret +something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by +the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, +`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" + -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" +% + Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule + + Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High + Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 + Sept 28 Blind Academy + Sept 30 World War I Veterans + Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 + Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders + Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir + Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic + Nov 9 Korean War Amputees + Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients +% + "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll +be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" +% + "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. +We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" + "But this is different," protested her husband. + "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. +Now tell me what our problem is." + "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a +bastard child." +% + "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are +married?" + He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. +I've always been especially fond of married women." +% + Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted +to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it +quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already +had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she +now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming +in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck +the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door +she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in +response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my +ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, +and you... uh... don't have all the..." + "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" +% + "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, +sincerely, extremely dangerously. + They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. +They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used +intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. +They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They +used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the +bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. +They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. +They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. + -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" +% + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost +hit my wife." + "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot +at mine, over there." +% + During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her +husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, +she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" +% + Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a +blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, +while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved +to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a +pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." + He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, +stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." + But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no +protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she +tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. + Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the +tug at his sleeve. "Again?" + And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted +by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her +and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." +% + Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller +and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better +than fried chicken, is it?" + Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: + "I got to be dead honest, Roy." + And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. + Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she +ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who +can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the +finest I've ever had." + -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" +% + Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, +those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing +needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. + Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at +the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. +No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The +ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the +contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers +should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to +the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. + Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. +The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record +of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is +not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten +and not care." +% + Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see +a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a +baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and +ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" + The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, +which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give +you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" +% + Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, +obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance +floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette +girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman +of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties +unimpaired?" + The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not +all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a +girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place +about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon +as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." + "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." + "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to +fail me." +% + Farmer Johnson was drunk again. + "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could +only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." + Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if +only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." + Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you +could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." +% + "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," +said the guy aggressively. + "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. + "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in +town." + "Oh, no, you won't." + "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." + "Oh, no, you won't." + "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." + "Oh, no, you're not." + "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. + "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. +% + For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief +vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an +affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting +few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped +short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! + "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" +he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, +and the baby would have my name!" + "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, +we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be +better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." +% + Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as +usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular +evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, +such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." + One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, +and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four +fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... + At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded +in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second +professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others +nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" + They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor +remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of +the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your +thoughts?" + Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" +% + Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their +engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who +was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy +and sarcastic?" + "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. + "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." +% + "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning +to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this +beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a +dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little +apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours +in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" +% + God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter +what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, +wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. + Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone +agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and +lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, +though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along +innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they +were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% + God decided to take the devil to court and settle their +differences once and for all. + When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just +where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" +% + Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home +from the club to an irate, ranting wife. + "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You +promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost +nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." + "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised +you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off +right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on +the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't +find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for +the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... +% + Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. +No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have +been worse." + To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a +situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no +hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, +"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, +found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned +the gun on himself!" + "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." + "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly +have been worse?" + "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be +dead right now." +% + Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his +proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg +and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself +to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, +nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. +All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which +she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. + The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone +in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big +surprise," smiled the bride. + Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his +leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. + "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the +Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" +% + "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." + "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." + "Do it alone?" + "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." + "How would that help?" + "Used a whip." +% + "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" + "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" + "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." + "Four hours to bury a cat!?" + "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." + "Oh, it's not dead then." + "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're +goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be +on the safe side." + "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento +to a dead cat, do you?" + -- Monty Python +% + "Hello, Police Department." + "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually +molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" + "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." + "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping +on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. +Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. +I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He +held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I +couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty +pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an +erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my +throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. +Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on +my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to +say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't +know how thick... into my... Just a minute." + "What's the matter, mister?" + "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." +% + Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled +with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John +Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't +define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the +court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to +Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't +it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when +his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an +enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a +ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except +that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about +it because the court was going to take a nap. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% + "How'd you get that flat?" + "Ran over a bottle." + "Didn't you see it?" + "Damn kid had it under his coat." +% + "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into +the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." + "Who was that?" his young wife asked. + "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." +% + "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame +society. Society made me what I am today!" + "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk +like me." + "It still... hurts... auugghh!" + "You're going to be okay..." + "...gurgle..." + "... maybe not." + -- Repo Man +% + "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," +the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" + "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to +take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the +camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, +the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind +the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. + The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed +like twenty more gallons of water. + The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, +man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" + The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the +bricks." +% + "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. + "Oh, how can you tell?" + "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't +hear the stereo." +% + I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, +"What'll you have, Bud"? + I said," I don't know, surprise me". + So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% + "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the +young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. +I'm on my way." + "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" +% + In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be +mud." + And there was mud. + And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud +can see what we have done." + And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was +man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. + "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. + "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. + "Certainly," said man. + "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. + And He went away. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" +% + In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads + In the evening, floating in the soup. +(chorus): +Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; +Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! + You can ask them anything you want to. + They won't answer; they can't talk. +(chorus): + I took a fish head out to see a movie, + Didn't have to pay to get it in. +(chorus): + They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; + They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. +(chorus): + Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in + Italian restaurants with Oriental women. +(chorus): + Fishy! +(chorus): + -- Fish Heads +% + In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially +announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference +today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have +a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together +in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned +around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all +those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" + There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's +citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to +these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other +than a citizen bless their country?" +% + It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and +they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. +One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with +them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" + Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful +thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the +Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well +brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." +% + It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving +in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented +Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They +said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private +life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the +Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the +Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. + -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" +% + It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the +American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, +sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different +ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" + "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this +country there's only one." + "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez +that?" + "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" + "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" +% + "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and +Jewish men?" + "You really want to know?" + "Yeah." + "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And +Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." +% + Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of +her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit +the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her +way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly +begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her +stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. + "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of +the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't +mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your +wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." + "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one +can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." + "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on +the dining room skylight." +% + Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't +seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating +with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, +it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate +again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This +suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many +life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis +become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: + The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After +some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. +The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the +male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until +the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the +male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on +Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office +on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for +a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies +matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. + Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome +has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is +why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled +to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it +occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. +% + Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the +mirror, admiring her breasts. + "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. + "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a +twenty-five-year-old." + "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old +ass?" + "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." +% + Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. +Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, +without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In +an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to +prison. + They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports +in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get +them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're +hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced +to death. + The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll +be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have +any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in +Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to +Murray. + "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he +spits in the sergeants face. + "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." + -- Arthur Naiman +% + "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a +barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" + "Not in California." +% + "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things +a girl should not do before twenty." + "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large +audience, either." +% + Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for +you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an +oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many +cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment. + Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially +the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are +repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw +in the others. + While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture +of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took +it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. + Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had +therapy ask if people have had therapy. + Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. +Assume that she bought them at a flea market. + -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan +% + Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the +people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many +times a job applicant has had the clap. + Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written +by a professional liar? + If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: +did the applicant go to TCU? + If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she +have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? + -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" +% + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is +saying." + The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near +the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back +to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is +singing." + "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" + "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." +% + Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of +bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the +court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed +that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 +pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the +women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band +played appropriate music. + Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. +He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth +rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved +multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. + After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the +King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped +his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, +but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. +The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored +banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." +% + One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community +and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and +turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" + Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the +one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." + The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the +way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." +% + One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to +seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp +and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone +bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the +flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves, +soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid +her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. +He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, +connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. +Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." + With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with +his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly +discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying +various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost +all of its field strength. + Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her +solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to +excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing +each others fuses. + -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" +% + One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while +visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks +up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to +say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in +kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! + The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs +the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, +he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. + Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, +"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" + "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He +never writes..." +% + One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss +HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he +there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately +made his TOOSIE ROLL. + He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT +which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she +squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 +MUSKETEERS." + -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" +% + One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were +sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out +of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there +worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." + "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an +instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with +the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back +into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. + "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. +"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost +dark, and they say their goodnights and part. + The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes +out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, +grandpa.", he remarks. + "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." +% + "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the +science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by +some concrete example." + Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." + "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through +a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." + "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in +the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." + "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible +to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" + "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete +example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of +course arise from a choice of the wrong example." + -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" +% + Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a +state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a +dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) +and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and +eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they +shout, too): + "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" + Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he +was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers +flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: + "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" + As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of +amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! +So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck +tottering to the cliffside and shouting: + "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! +% + People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily +motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in +jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are +bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and +then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in +a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of +a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking +out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other +side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. + Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt +blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free +of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has +the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments +are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the +circuits. + When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter +of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics +junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things +that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. + -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" +% + People who write position papers often find themselves in an +enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the +position. + A good position paper will have many words in it like +"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." + You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase +limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. + Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in +position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert +Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. + A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a +semicolon. + -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" +% + Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old +has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable +Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" + The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is +definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, +gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." + The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay +Santa," she begs. + He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, +you know." + She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing +at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. + "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." + Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her +warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. + Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, +gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." +% + Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde +stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If +this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she +doesn't deserve to have any." + + James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") +failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to +remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a +major general." + + (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, +complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a +while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." + + Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly +pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening +sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing +more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand +on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning +out of the car. "Run for your life!" + + Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the +Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular +story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was +roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the +house." + "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate +maybe, but not in the House." + +% + Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the +still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. +Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his +exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" + Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." + Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of +love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a +prick." + "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I +assure you, that's a wee-wee." +% + Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a +certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his +own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I +care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young +statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my +dick." + While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was +asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. + "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a +whimsical smile, "They're assholes." + Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at +the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of +Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the +upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was +wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister +had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion +and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room +stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are +you staring at, homo?" + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% + "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of +coffee?" + "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", +answered the gentleman, rather shortly. + "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." +% + "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a +sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. + "How do you know?" the friend asked. + "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where +she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." + "So?" + "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." +% + The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just +say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these +primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, +and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal +saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think +you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same +time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of +Northern Mali that you may be interested in." + So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic +publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest +naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason +naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an +article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System +Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But +others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. +Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% + The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: +"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle +in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" + "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, +but not much good in a fight." +% + The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating +a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to +his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." + So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, +please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he +sees nothing but goyim..." + "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think +you got problems. What about my son?" +% + The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough +physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, +"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away +from women." + "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's +second best?" +% + The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had +made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her +footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the +reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, +madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." + "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight +every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." + "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut +the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." + -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" +% + The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. +As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". + "What happened?" + "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and +-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" +% + The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. +After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a +branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his +wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." + The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's +horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. +Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. +"That's two," he said. + Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit +crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was +off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he +shot the horse between the eyes. + "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I +married! You're a sadist, that's what!" + The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. +% + The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- +dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he +pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he +replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." + "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. + "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." +% + The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A +waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" + "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. + As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he +wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter +returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal +two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced +a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat +from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything +with our hands," he explained. + The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even +have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this +little piece of string attached to my apron?" + "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." + The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. +"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string +comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that +piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." + "But how do you put it back?" + "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but +I use the tongs." +% + The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of +the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at +the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to +us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." + In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where +Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel +on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished +his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from +leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring +negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate +farewell is consummated between the sheets. + As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, +pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished +look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that +we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" +She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." +% + The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the +way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she +jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the +tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was +jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! +Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating +candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three +wildest girls I know. +% + The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian +period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden +frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, +as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator +sport. + The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for +castrating pigs during Sunday service. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% + The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John +Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have +stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the +way when they try to be serious." + "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get +into the ether and the cocaine." + "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug +in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just +chew it up like baseball gum." + I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with +the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then +screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out +across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from +the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just +did to us?" + -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 +% + THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION + + 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is + loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty + and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and + phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or + "Bullsheyet". + 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little + 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. + 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. + 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. + 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. + 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. + 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." + 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. + 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. +10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. + -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son + of a Gun". +% + The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did +wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too +romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. + So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be +castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue +factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was +almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. + After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time +trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually +ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look +on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. + "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" + "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand +people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" +% + The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went +for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. +"What would you like to do next?" he asked. + "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight +guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some +popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. + "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. + I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and +using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. +The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's +wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" + "Wousy," said the girl. +% + There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go +and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain +from sex for thirty days. + Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks +the first couple if they passed the test. + "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. + "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter +the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. + "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine +until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and +I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't +stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it +to her right there." + "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into +the Church after something like that." + "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us +into Safeway anymore either." +% + There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in +a bar having a few drinks together. + The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to +drive your wife wild in bed?" + "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the +garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over +her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives +her wild with desire." + "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love +I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" +Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. + "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump +out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives +her wild." +% + These two project managers were walking through a residential area +one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its +cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager +nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun +-- I wish I could do that!" + Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried +it once, and the damn dog bit me!" +% + "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" + The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: + "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information +about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the +country. We're completely computerized. + "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false +leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his +real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the +country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They +look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... +yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. +I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. +He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. + "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year +we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if +your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" + -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 +% + This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks +the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four +months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. +He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls +up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special +surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just +come on over to the clinic." + "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too +embarrassed to be seen in public like this." + "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up +all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put +on a top hat, and come on over." + The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he +reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, +dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the +nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" + "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" +% + This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters +with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands +dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. + "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. + Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, +the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next +requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. + "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the +guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of +being so helpless. + "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a +*thing* 'til my nails dry!" +% + This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling +good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, +sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" + "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... +<sniffle>" + So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. +He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and +the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders +away feeling wonderful. + Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and +sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the +end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" + "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." + The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings +her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" +% + Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. +The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for +selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge +asked, pointing at the first girl. + "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. + "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second +girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. + "Your honor, I'm an actress." + "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about +you?" he demanded. + "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's +the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been +laid off." + "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. +Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, +arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do +for a living?" + "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." +% + Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally +ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow +shum money from my wife." + The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, +and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. +This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to +affect the husband. + "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he +asked. + "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for +Pete's sake, turn off those lights." + Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's +enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" + "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle +he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" + "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." +% + Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club +car of a train headed east out of Chicago. + "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to +London?" + The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," +he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." + The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did +he say, Reggie?" + "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman +replied. + After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You +didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" + The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he +exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months +just before I came back to the States!" + "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. + "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. +% + Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they +were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the +side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck +driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. + Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to +deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, +"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." + "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going +to be able to settle out of court." +% + Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how +to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say +`ass' and I'll say `hell'". + All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their +mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. + "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." +His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, +and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" + "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass +it ain't gonna be Cheerios." +% + Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about +their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife +has cut me down to just once a week." + "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know +two guys she's cut off altogether. +% + Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering +the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the +mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he +noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, +hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and +the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're +lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he +come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner +asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally +the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he +said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at +this ungodly hour?" + The man said, "Come into the embalming room." + They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now +watch." + He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The +partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at +three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? +% + Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other +and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen +roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for +three days." + Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" + +% + We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the +drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit +lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible +roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all +swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a +hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was +screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" + Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and +was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the +hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his +eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind," +I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great +Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the +bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. + -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: + A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" +% + Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt +great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt +so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS +THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" + And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no +one is mightier than you." + A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: +"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" + The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to +stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." + The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was +quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS +THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" + Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams +him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of +orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. + The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, +you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" +% + Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. +She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, +"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to +say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was +reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly +justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here +ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." + That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and +explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and +suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, +the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." + Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! +How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" +% + When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her +operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long +it would be before she could resume her sex life. + "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. +"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" +% + When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact +that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your +hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing +to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy +but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty +seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost +invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, +sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? + Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. +It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of +Rumania. + -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" +% + While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of +the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, +three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. +"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" + "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" + "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and +then. We're trying to catch her." + "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you +carrying a bucket of sand?" + "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." +% + While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself +out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to +France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting +proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you +aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets +and food. All it will cost you is a little love." + The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on +board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large +tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway +and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned +into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one +evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he +waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding +an explanation. She told him the whole story. + "Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I +admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair +to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." +% + "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last +night?" demanded the irate mother. +"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." + "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the +movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." + "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. + "We did." +% + With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend +Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, +buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. + "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. + "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." + "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue +and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, +"Okay. It's your wife." + "My wife!!" + "Yeah." + "What about her?" + Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around +his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." +% + "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there +be anything else?" +% + You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an +elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you +up in the bar last night?" + "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. + "Did I bring you home?" + "Uh-huh." + "Did we, uh, fool around?" + "Uh-huh." + "Lord, I must have been tight!" + "Not any more." +% +... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured +we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful +inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion +as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the +naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we +might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do +us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their +protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear +that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in +God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect +for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most +virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are +frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus +because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity +is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar +is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to +obscure such reality. + -- Steve Allen +% +... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed +beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and +quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's +wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at +the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald +had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all +concerned... +I gan noo wha ma organs gan +When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur +So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat +Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure + And iver her purse was wet. +But old Sir Oswald allus stank +Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree +And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out +Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see + What I have done without. +But ere ye come to draw ma heart +Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry +But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me +And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die + Afore I have a pee. + -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. + 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. + 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. + 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. + 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. + 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. + 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. + 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. + 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. +10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. + 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' + quarterback. + 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. + 4. You don't have to let a beer win. + 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to + sleep with it beer, too. + 6. A beer helps with the houswork. + 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. + 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. + 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. +10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. + 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' + quarterback. + 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. + 4. You don't have to let a beer win. + 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to + sleep with it, too. + 6. A beer helps with the houswork. + 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. + 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. + 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. +10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. + 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. + 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. + 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. + 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. + 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. + 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. + 8. A beer doesn't snore. + 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. +10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified + aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. + 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. + 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. + 4. Beer tastes good. + 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest + Hits" as much as you do. + 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. + 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. + 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. + 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty + cents less expensive. +10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste + like grass. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. + 2. Beer stains wash out. + 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. + 4. Beer never makes you wait. + 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. + 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". + 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. + 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. + 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. +10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. +% +15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. + 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. + 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. + 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. + 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. + 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". + 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. + 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. + 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. +10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. +11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. +12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. +13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. +14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. +15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". +% +18th Rule of Friendship: + A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof + to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you + ever saw. + -- Esquire, May 1977 +% +20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN + 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. + 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. + 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. + 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. + 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. + 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. + 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. + 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. + 9. A beer won't steal the covers. +10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". +11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. +12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. +13. A beer tastes good. +14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. +15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. +16. You don't have to let a beer win. +17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. +18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". +19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. +20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. +% +667 -- The neighbor of the beast. +% +68: + Do me now and I'll owe you one. +% +6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. +% +69 + 69 = dinner for 4. +% +71: + 69 with two fingers up your ass. + -- George Carlin +% +7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National + Redwood Forest. + +7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the + Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. +% +8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. + 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. + 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. + 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. + 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy + "just for the articles". + 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. + 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone + else's beer. + 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't + make you ill. +% +A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for +more than a year. + "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" + "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." + "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He +downed his drink and left disgustedly. +A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. +He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through +this part of town?" + "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." + Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of +thing," and turned on his heel and left. + Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on +his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the +bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people +'round here would know?" + "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." + "Seven!?" + "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, +George don't go for that kind of thing neither." +% +A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a +patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern +women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out +of the bar. + The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm +bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, +blanched and ran out of the bar. + The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written +all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." + The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame +you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." +% +A bad little girl in Madrid, +A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, +And the worst of it was that it did! +% +A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. + "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. + "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" + "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. + "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." +% +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I am wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% +A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of +six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully +sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from +another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise +at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on +this barren bit of land. + "Almost twenty years," he answered. + "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" + "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he +replied. + "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. + "What's that?" He looked puzzled. + Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand +beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked +how he had enjoyed it. + "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" +% +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a great dane " +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% +A beautiful belle of Del Norte +Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty + Because during the day + She says: "Boys, keep away!" +But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. +% +A beautiful lady named Psyche +Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. + One thing about Ike + The lady can't like +Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. +% +A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and +purgatory for the purse. +% +A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes +one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right +away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her +thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" + "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological +abnormalities." + "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. +"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. + "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast +cancer." + "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to +having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing +now?" + "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." +% +A beetling young woman named Pridgets +Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; + Off the end of a wharf + She once pushed a dwarf +Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he +would send his wife a telegram saying, + "Can't come home yet. Still buying." +His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. +She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month +rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, +she wired him, + "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." +% +A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression +Sold cigars at a key-club concession. + When she swiveled about + Even strong men cried out, +For her costume did not keep her flesh in. +% +A bisexual chap name of Lunt +Taught himself an unusual stunt. +He could peel back his spout +Turn the skin inside out +Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! +% +A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. +% +A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing +into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same +forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. + "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," +apologized the rabbit. + "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same +problem!" + "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do +you think you could help me find out?" + "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the +rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail +and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" + "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" + "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you +suppose you could try and tell me?" + The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold +and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have +no balls. You must be an attorney!" +% +A bobby of Nottingham Junction +Whose organ had long ceased to function + Deceived his good wife + For the rest of her life +With the aid of his constable's truncheon. +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was diddling a collie- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was fucking a collie -- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A burleyque dancer, a pip +Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; + But she read science fiction + And died of constriction +Attempting a Moebius strip. + -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" +% +A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. +Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute +and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after +a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few +minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him +masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. + "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" +% +A busy young lady named Gloria +Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +A cabin boy on an old clipper +Grew steadily flipper and flipper. + He plugged up his ass + With fragments of glass +And thus circumcised his old skipper. +% +A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick +fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off +the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. + The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate +to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed +himself in an accentuated manner. + "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not +Catholic!" + "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, +"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +Without even leaving his grodge. +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge, +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + With his date all strapped in + He committed a sin +Without even leaving the garage. + -- "A Boy and His Dog" +% +A cautious young fellow named Tunney +Had a whang that was worth any money. + When eased in half-way, + The girl's sigh made him say, +"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." +% +A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar +by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could +get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea +worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and +whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical +laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing +happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out +laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, +a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the +house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the +horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The +bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, +the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and +said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" + "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. + "How did you make him cry tonight?" + "I proved it." +% +A certain young man, it was noted, +Went about in the heat thickly-coated; + He said, "You may scoff, + But I shan't take it off; +Underneath I am horribly bloated." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A certain young person of Ghent, +Uncertain if lady or gent, + Shows his organs at large + For a small handling charge +To assist him in paying the rent. +% +A certain young sheik of Algiers +Said to his harem, "My dears, + Though you may think it odd of me, + I'm tired of just sodomy +Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) +% +A chap down in Oklahoma +Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, + But the sweetness of pitch + Couldn't put off the hitch +Of impotence, size and aroma. +% +A charmer from old Amarillo, +Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, + Decided one day + That to keep men away +She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. +% +A chippy who worked in Black Bluff +Had a pussy as large as a muff. + It had room for both hands + And some intimate glands, +And was soft as a little duck's fluff. +% +A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. +% +A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on +Saturday and is going to do on Monday. + -- Thomas Ybarra +% +A clergical student named Simms +Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: + A nice piece of ass + Gets the B-Minor Mass ... +All the others get Anglican hymns. +% +A clerical student named Pryne +Through pain sought to reach the divine: + He wore a hair shirt, + Quite often ate dirt, +And bathed every Friday in brine. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The fuckin' thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The goddam thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; +most men know it's there, but few really care. +% +A cocksucking steno named Beeman +Remarked as she swallowed my semen : + "On my minuscule salary + I must watch every calorie, +So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +% +A computer called Illiac4 +Had a rather tough bug in its core. + It chewed up its cards + And spewed yards and yards +Of illegible tape on the floor. +% +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% +A contortionist hailing from Lynch +Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did +Stretch it to three in a pinch. +% +A corpulent maiden named Kroll +Had a notion exceedingly droll: + At a masquerade ball, + Dressed in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker House roll. +% +A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. + + [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] +% +A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by +chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left +to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, + "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" + "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. + "No, not that." + "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." + "No, Mom. Down underneath." + His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." + Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get +a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. + "That's the elephant's trunk, son." + "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the +other end." + "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." + "No. Down there." + The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's +penis." + "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" + The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* +that woman." +% +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. +% +A cowhand way out in Seattle +Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, +But golly! it just fits the cattle." +% +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +% +A cute little twerp from Samoa +Had a cock of one inch and no moa. + It was good for keyholes + And debutantes' peeholes +But not worth a damn on a whoa. +% +A daredevil skater named Lowe, +Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, + But is proudest of doing, + Some incredible screwing, +Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +% +A deep-throated virgin named Netty +Was sucking a cock on the jetty. + She said, "It tastes nice, + Much better than rice, +Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +% +A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. + -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" +% +A delighted, incredulous bride +Remarked to her groom at her side : + "I never could quite + Believe till tonight +Our anatomies would coincide." +% +A dentist, young doctor Malone, +Got a charming girl patient alone, + And, in his depravity, + Filled the wrong cavity. +God, how his practice has grown. +% +A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, +With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, + Let his third-story front, + To a willing young cunt, +Who supplied him a new lease on life! +% +A desperate spinster from Clare +Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, + And prayed to her God + For a romp on the sod-- +'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +% +A distinguished professor from Swarthmore +Got along with a sexy young sophomore. + As quick as a glance + He stripped off his pants, +But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, +And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. + +A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, +Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. + They found her vagina, + In South Carolina, +And part of her ass in Brazil. +% +A dolly in Dallas named Alice, +Whose overworked sex is all callous, + Wore the foreskin away + On uncircumcised Ray, +Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +% +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace; + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace. + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" +% +A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, +watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The +guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few +moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't +hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat +shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and +they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed +the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they +passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. + "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass +with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she +sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" + The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman +at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, +he smiles and says "Fuck me!" + "What?!?!?" she screams. + "Raining like hell, isn't it?" +% +A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. +% +A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, +rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked +down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying +on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police +station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, +drowned in the lake!" + "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal +more chain than he can swim with?" +% +A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. +A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. +% +A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, + "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." +The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. +% +A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is +coming again soon. Bend over. +% +A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how +hard it was to get any sleep. + "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a +drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. + "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" + "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." +% +A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. +That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, +and that's how we'll do it now. + -- Dick Hamlet +% +A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. + -- Bobby Knight +% +A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- +it merely keeps her from enjoying it. +% +A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English +professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation +and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the +night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and +asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" + "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." +% +A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that +the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war +with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and +speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with +a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. + "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held +territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." +At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. + "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we +fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more +fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". +At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing +openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain +to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the +German Air Force. + He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". +% +A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which +they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, +however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see +what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the +scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." + Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he +would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. + "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children +must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." +% +A guest in a household quite charmless +Was informed its eccentric was harmless: + "If you're caught unawares + At the head of the stairs, +Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest +girl there. + "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." + "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. +He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, + "This frog can eat pussy." +The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her +a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much +discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. +She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and +says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his +owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. + "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" + "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" +By now, the girl is laughing openly. + "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm +only going to show you one more time." +% +A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it +into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar +and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so +curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. + Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." +% +A habit depraved and unsavory +Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery + Midst screeches and howls + He deflowered young owls +Which he kept in an underground aviary +% +A habit obscene and bizarre, +Has taken a-hold of papa. + He brings home young camels + And other odd mammals, +And gives them a go at mama. +% +A habit obscene and unsavory, +Holds a CS professor in slavery. + With maniacal howls, + He deflowers young owls, +That he keeps in an underground aviary. +% +A hacker who screwed a mag tape +Was caught and convicted of rape. + To jail he did go, + From which, to his woe +He couldn't get out with ESC. +% +A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk +Made love to the drive of his disk. + The thing circumsized him, + Which rather suprised him. +He wasn't aware of *that* risk. +% +A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. +% +A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. +% +A hard man is good to find. +% +A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of +the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his +right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with +that?" + When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, +downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're +all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" + Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man +on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" +the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" + "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong +end of the bar." +% +A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave +the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you +told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned +home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some +of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But +soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, +the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." +Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great +thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, +but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, +Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! +Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing +worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. + "Saunders, help me please!" + "But what is it, Madame?" + "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" + "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" +% +A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When +she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, +"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." + The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" +% +A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in +the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days +and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state +line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How +do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. + The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, +there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of +110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and +third, make love to an Eskimo woman." + "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of +this here corn liquor?" + "Got one right here," replied the guard. + The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. +"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" + "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout +a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." + The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned +with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was +smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you +want killed?" +% +A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I +can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned +over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out +and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, +"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" +% +A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. + -- Norman Mailer +% +A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- +father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit +used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" + "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before +your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from +behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get +down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop +some manure from the ground and eat it!" + "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. +And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- +I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now +it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. + "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, +we had *lunch* together!" +% +A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge +Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. + "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd +backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, +thet one wuz!" + "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use +the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." + Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" + His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're +probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." + "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he +was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago +Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." + "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago +Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" + "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably +not aware of!" +% +A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. + -- Thomas Hardy +% +A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. + -- Carrie Snow +% +A man always needs to remember one thing about +a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. +% +A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the +husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their +wedding night, the wife says to her husband: + + "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." +Naturally, the husband is surprised. + "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a +virgin?" + "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a +computer programmer." + "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be +a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" + "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and +tell me how great it was going to be." +% +A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, +who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the +lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, +you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see +her again. Okay?" + "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point +on the side to make it interesting?" +% +A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen +or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. + -- Joan Rivers +% +A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting +next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* +Polish." + He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." +Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. + "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl +with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with +the joke. + "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" + "Nah," says the man. + "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish +man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" + "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it +five times." +% +A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up +from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously +around his bed. + "What happened?" he asks worriedly. + "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, +and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we +performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina +has been crafted into place." + "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to +tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience +another erection!" + "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of +course, have to be someone else's." +% +A man is as old as the woman he feels. + -- Groucho Marx +% +A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he +sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his +car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. + "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." + "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. + "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. + So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, +I did what you wanted, can I go now?" + "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." + "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." + "Do it again." + It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. +Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. + "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more +time." + The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him +twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. + "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" + "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; +I want you to drive her into Salerno." +% +A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman +for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well +until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at +which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, +a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, +takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. + "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely +anything to show my gratitude." + "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope +that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash +and take that damn dog for a walk!" +% +A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- +in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. + "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What +is your heart's desire?" + "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." + "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. + As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can +feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. +By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to +his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he +grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, +he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. + "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What +is your heart's desire?" + "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make +my legs longer?" +% +A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" +contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. + "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing +out in public!" + "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." + "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you +showing that thing to everybody." + And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening +when he hands her $1000. + "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want +you to?" she asks. + "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use +the money." + "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, +tears welling up in her eyes. + "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." +% +A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the +longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, +followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred +other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity +no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. + "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, +but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is +the funeral for?" + "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- +in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman +attacked and killed her." + "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you +don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" + "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." +% +A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and +antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not +from around here, are you?" + "No," replies the man with the antennae. + "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, +either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" + "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." + "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got +there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." + "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." + "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that +big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all +Martians have that?" + "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." +% +A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be +bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. + -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" +% +A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. +% +A man never minds being in the doghouse +as long as he can get his tail outside. +% +A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him +three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed +them one after another. + "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. + "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." + "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." + "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get +the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." +% +A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't +help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on +the train platform. + "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. + "Glad to do it," said the other man. + "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." + "It was a pleasure," said the man. + "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, +"she was a truly great lay." + The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned +to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you +to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" + "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But +Sam is a helluva nice guy." +% +A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got +some good news and some bad news." + "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. + "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches +longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. + "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" + "Malignant." +% +A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a +water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th +person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: +First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone +ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can +be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man +thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood +shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and +went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, +and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever +he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, +and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, +and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I +was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is +outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department +at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex +last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight +or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very +satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad +for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." +% +A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he +says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to +me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." + "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. + "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, +and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust +her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." + The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. + "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening +after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man +got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. +After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he +took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went +out." + "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. + "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." + "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* +that doubt!" +% +A man who likes to lie in bed can usually +find a girl willing to listen to him. +% +A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender +shoved the foaming glass in front of him. + "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold +the glass for me? + "Sure," said the bartender. + "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, +you'll find the money for the beer." + The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. + "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. +Where is the men's room?" + "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk +two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." +% +A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. +% +A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. +% +A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment +for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son +wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best +old age home that money can buy. + On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts +to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently +straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he +finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs +over and gently pushes him upright again. + The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's +being treated. + "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like +it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, +there's just one little problem." + "What's that, Dad?" + "They won't let you fart." +% +A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. +% +A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good +many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and +the police. + -- Mr. Dooley +% +A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, +swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked +his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. + "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" + "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. + The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" +% +A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of +Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it +anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve +the pressure. + "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the +foreman. "The other men swear by it." + The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of +his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it +every day!" + "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the +other men replied. + "Why not then?" + "That's your day in the barrel." +% +A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he +on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges +over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. +As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet +from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. +"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' +you now: Save me, Lord, save me." + Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." + "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" + "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." + "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." + "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." + Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls +to his death. + "DUMB YANKEE." +% +A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered +by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned +out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained +that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused +himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped +the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" + "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the +onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" + "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a +gallon or two." +% +A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. + -- Phyllis Schlafly +% +A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check +out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk +Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few +minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form +and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between +them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend +the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her +partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the +morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous +night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even +bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, +where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks +deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell +you -- I'm Thor!". + The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel +like grated cheeth!" +% +A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing +sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always +married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, +to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking +risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: +to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, +thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy +that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing +children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised +by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. + -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", + attempting to explain the lack of female interest in + pornography. +% +A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing +sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always +married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, +to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking +risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: +to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, +thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy +that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing +children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised +by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. + -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", + attempting to explain the lack of female interest in + pornography. +% +A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't +going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after +two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" + His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says +nothing. + On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after +the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" + This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting +more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again +misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the +club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife +whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" + Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the +daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't +you?" + "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." +% +A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. +% +A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time +talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade +was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to +their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of +the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and +said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" +% +A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is +true to the very end of the end of a friend. +% +A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, +who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never +speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of +unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! + -- Thackeray +% +A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his +trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in +mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited +results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented +octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door +the next morning, he asked the octopus, + "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" + "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all +night!" +% +A person who has both feet planted firmly +in the air can be safely called a liberal. +% +A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed +against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his +hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that +the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case +of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. + "What happened to your car?" + "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards +stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on +the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; +right on my key!" + "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come +down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing +yourself!" + "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" +% +A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. +% +A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. +% +A programmer down in Moline +Said, I'm the match for any machine. + My secret's aversion, + To loops and recursion, +Just acres of in-line routine. + -- W.J. Wilson +% +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. +% +A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans +over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" + The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a +Bishop." + "Well, could you get any higher than that?" + "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I +might be made an Archbishop." + "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" + "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." + "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" + Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could +be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." + "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go +up from being the Pope?" + "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" + The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." +% +A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, +commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. + The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it +the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of +field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living +room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling +beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." + Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer +looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too +obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." +% +A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone +and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided +to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she +could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent +idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, +and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say +'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" + At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." + Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes +in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on +its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" + "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. + Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes +in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. + Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a +big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, +you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" +% +A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From +his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, +sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much +to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four +pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the +condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders +for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." + Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and +says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" +% +A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. +One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. +He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. +So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. + +Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. +One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. +"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" +"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" + +They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. +They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. +And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, +Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. + +They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." +"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." +As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, +Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. + +The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. +Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. +Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, +"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." + -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" +% +A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, +all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, +Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. + "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the +cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. + "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were +all of 'em dead?" + Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but +you know how them Mex'cans lie." +% +A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex +act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and +styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity +for fun at the lad's expense. + "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. +The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in +her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and +a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a +tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now +give him the proper size. + "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a +half interest in the store." +% +A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It +happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball +greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the +third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. + The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he +swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. +The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! +Runna Mickey!" + The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him +carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. + "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins +to walk to first base. + The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" + "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." + And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud +Joe. Walka proud." +% +A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the +animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby +attendant. + "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper +pricks than those raised in Africa?" + The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, +"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are +about the same." +% +A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at +the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he +hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. + The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" + "No women? What do the men do for... er..." + "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the +answer, right there." + Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his +drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he +wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs +to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was +game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose +a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went +quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him. + "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" + "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. +% +A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. +% +A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go +for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under +a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and +with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing +uncontrollably she asked her seducer, + "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" + "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. + "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. +"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" +% +A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the +greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." + Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. + "Yes, Tony?" + "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. + "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, +but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." + From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. + "Yes, Bernie?" + "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. + "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is +your apple." + When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, +the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised +that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." + "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, +but business is business." +% +A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. +% +A trapper named Francois Lefebrve +Once captured and buggered a beabrve. + The result of this fuck + Was a three titted duck, +A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. +% +A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the +century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very +rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry +and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had +never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. + +Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! +Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what + does it look like?" +LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my + vegetables with its tail!" +Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" +LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" +% +A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. +% +A virgin is chaste. +% +A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. +% +A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty +comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. + -- Addison +% +A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there +*for the rest of your life*. + -- Jim Samuels +% +A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed +this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an +unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" + -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why + masturbation is "by no means harmless" +% +A woman can never be too rich or too thin. +% +A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. + -- Scott +% +A woman forgives the audacity of which +her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. + -- LeSage +% +A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high +dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried +about some of the side effects she was experiencing. + "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot +with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too +much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" + The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal +side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" + "On my balls." +% +A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be +thankful for a good one. + -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings +% +A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into +the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" + The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask +people personal questions." + The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" + The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going +to tell you." + Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the +car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in +the car and watch my purse." + After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's +license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When +her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: + "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." + "That's right! How did you know?" + "And you weigh 119 pounds." + "Did you look in my purse?" + "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." + "You *do*?" + "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" +% +A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. + -- Blind Lemon Pledge +% +A woman is like your shadow; follow her, +she flies; fly from her, she follows. + -- Chamfort +% +A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive +little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. + -- Adolf Hitler +% +A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. +It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. + -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" +% +A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times +over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of +pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. + -- Stendhal +% +A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. + -- Herodotus +% +A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social +pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate +woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without +love, without virtue, without sex. + -- Balzac +% +A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. + -- Pancho Villa +% +A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. + -- Gloria Steinem +% +A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. +Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. +% +A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long +as he can. + -- Moms Mabley +% +A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have +sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite +off his penis. + The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather +uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he +tell her why he won't make love to her. + "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." + "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, +come here and look for yourself." + The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. + "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" + "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* +condition." +% +A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... +She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, +three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. +% +A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve +himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis +he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member +of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him +if he is indeed a real leprechaun. + The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can +grant you three wishes." + "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" + "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the +ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes +if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken +aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After +the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. + The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" + Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" + "25." + "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" +% +A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her +daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from +a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought +out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl +who uses bad words?" + "Who told you?" + "A little bird," answered the mother. + "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been +feeding the little bastards, too!" +% +A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition +as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, +like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would +be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a +carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who +worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, +the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. +A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each +received a telegram from their sister. It read: + + I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused + when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm + going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... +% +A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. +% +Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, +The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, + Her figurehead They filled his ass, + A whore in bed, With broken glass, +Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper. + +The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, +And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, + Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, + Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, +And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. + +The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, +And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, + When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, + And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, +Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! +% +AC/DC is a rock band. + -- Bisexuality, 101 +% +Achilles' Biological Findings: + (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. + If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. + (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first + -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. +% +Adam's Law: + (1) Women don't know what they want; + they don't like what they have got. + (2) Men know very well what they want; + having got it, they begin to lose interest. +% +Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, +and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... +% +Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- +such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. +% +ADULTERY: + Putting yourself in someone else's position. +% +Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. + -- Mary Wells, advertising executive +% +After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple +are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really +starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically +rummaging through a dresser drawer. + "What are you doing?" she asks. + "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." +% +After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little +bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making +love to men?" + "That's MY business," she snapped. + "Ah," he said. "A professional." +% +After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, +attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted +for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling +and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they +were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established +a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The +girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. + "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could +be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. + "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl +like you doing in a hotel like this?" + "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." +% +After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? +% +After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested +in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan +hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints +and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully +to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to +become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had +needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, +the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a +little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the +time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, +remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your +wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the +counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. + "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" +% +After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded +bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on +his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked +on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have +you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" +% +After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, +the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted +indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." + "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some +progress." +% +After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously +embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. + "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." + "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. + "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. + "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this +drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will +embarrass us. + "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that +nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to +make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" + "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my +sister." + A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, +"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." +% +After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying +to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. + "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other +to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." + "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to +find one at three in the morning?" +% +After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that +brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." + -- Ronnie Shakes +% +After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. + -- Joan Rivers +% +Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. +% +AI hackers do it robotically. +% +AI hackers do it with robots. +% +Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. + -- Bobcat Goldthwait +% +Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. + +Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"? +A: Antler marks on their hips. +% +Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, +the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. + -- Raymond Chandler +% +Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. +% +Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his +daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. + "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. + "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. + "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" + "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; +so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was +screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her +down." +% +"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains +the popularity of this field of study in computer science. +% +alimony, n: + Having an ex you can bank on. +% +All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, +a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. +% +All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell +them apart. +% +All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. +% +All I want is a girl made of wood, +With fine-grained hair and carven knee. +She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, +Oh, wooden tit be loverly? + -- Pinocchio +% +All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a +penis or a vagina. + -- Florynce Kennedy + +There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis +or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. + -- Gloria Steinem +% +All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most +injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. + -- Mark Twain +% +All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, +And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, +And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, +And the lie they tell, is enough to go to +Hello, operator, give me number nine, +If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the +Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, +If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the +Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, +This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. +She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, +She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. +He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, +Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. + -- Princess +% +All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, +All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, +All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, +The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. + +All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, +All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. +All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? +The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. + +All things scabbed and ulcerous, +All pox both great and small. +Putrid, foul and gangrenous, +The Lord God made them all. + -- Monty Python +% +All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar +crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying +part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago +there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more +important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make +president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody +believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs +the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for +a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not +going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his +home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white +collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. + -- J. Feiffer +% +All work and no pay makes a housewife. +% +Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every +subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted +to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning +must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the +essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is +sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point +of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, +not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested +in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion +is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, +there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion +in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method +of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be +willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught +in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely +a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must +protest against its being taught in any other spirit. + -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 +% +Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most +of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously +appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his +proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his +superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely +inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the +responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a +natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to +the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him +on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative +anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight +to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing +up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next +week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's +your last sermon!" + +The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of +Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by +Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. +You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one +among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at +Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, +and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long +and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't +main may!'" +% +Always talk to your wife while you're +making love... if there's a phone handy. +% +ambition, n: + An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. +% +America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman +with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing +anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign + Trail" +% +America cannot be sold a can of beer without +being offered a piece of pussy along with it. + -- Julius Lester +% +America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. + -- Allen Ginsberg +% +American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise +is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, +any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations +in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how +to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her +husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him +help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges +which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young +men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this +continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred +other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the +greatest friction. + -- James Michener, "Space" +% +America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. + -- Lyndon B. Johnson +% +An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. +% +An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about +the happiness of life. + "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful +dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night +Football," the American said. + "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing +a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a +romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." + "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you +two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping +soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front +door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking +with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret +policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van +Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are +being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and +shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh +lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. +% +An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an +exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the +only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care +for a cigar?" he asked. + "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and +didn't like it." + "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the +businessman asked. + "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." + "Well, how about a game of billiards?" + "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." + As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my +son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." + "Your son? An only child, I presume." +% +An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife +dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the +visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All +arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black +hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a +"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. + First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, +ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" + The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our +friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy +and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our +hero. He speaks first: + "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." + "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des +capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un +capeau noir?" + "Ma femme est morte." + "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" +% +An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place +is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception +of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her +if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he +got a quick bite to eat. + "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little +Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" + Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of +an open window and takes the seat. + An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the +American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand +you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the +street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" +% +An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, +Saw sartorial changes ahead. + His mind kept on ringing + With fishy girls singing; +Soft fruit also filled him with dread. + -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" +% +An Army travels on her stomach. +% +An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized +logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have +been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. + -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia +% +An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's +chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the +Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone +who has seen the Managing Director face on). + -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" +% +And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God +upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of +criminal at the bar of justice. + -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer +% +...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and +the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody +talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... +% +And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, +he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at +me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, +the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to +suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, +not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even +lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the +other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which +redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for +no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether +because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was +nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous +lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, +and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes +were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this +old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable +and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything +lewd in it at all. + -- Marquis de Sade +% +And let me the canakin clink, clink; +and let me the canakin clink. + A soldier's a man; + O, man's life's but a span, +Why then, let a soldier drink. +% +And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. +... a brief pause, and then Bing! +% +And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served +as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. + And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left +open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" +% +And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, +And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. + --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale +% +And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become +victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the +freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped +off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and +he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through +his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over +a piece of tail. + -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" +% +And the northern lights commenced to glow. +And she said, with a tear in her eye, +"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." + -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" +% +And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought +he was melting... +% +"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came +upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her +companion. + "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" +% +Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out +photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the +greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. +"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to +record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought +upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but +between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are +family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little +signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, +than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control +of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously +drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. +Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking +"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a +couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle +a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. +"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the +husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is +being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir +singer." + -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" +% +Another nun joke!!! + You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly +this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, +exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right +there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. +% +Another stupid gay joke!!! + You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry +daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't +serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come +in and kick your ass?" + The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo +thurstay...." + Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer +on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon +as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the +bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could +lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" + From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" +% +anxiety, n: + The first time you can't do it a second time. + +panic, n: + The second time you can't do it the first time. +% +Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through +his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. +% +Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. +% +Anything more than three shakes is for fun. +% +APL hackers take all they want. +% +Apple owners do it with mice! +% +APPOINTMENT BOOK: + The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired + invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is + December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell + it was you did during the past year. +% +Are there those in the land of the brave +Who can tell me how I should behave + When I am disgraced + Because I erased + A file I intended to save? +% +ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) + Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those + who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, + and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius + natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. +% +Arkansas: + Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. +% +As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; +and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to +be childless. + +The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, +doubtless, a separation. + -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 +% +As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that +sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it +was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. +% +As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. +% +As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex +makes the ride fun." +% +As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier +than the average asshole on the street. + -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" +% +As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices +within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by +sex." + One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we +know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, +have two alcoholics." +% +As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept +saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with +one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, +you're a veterinarian." +% +As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will +have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest +issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just +simply marvelous." +% +As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS +VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune +offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland +Driver's Handbook: + If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite +choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the +heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as +soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the +end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do +this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle +not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of +automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a +feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To +ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder +as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: + -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. + -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. + -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of +white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers, +who wear dark blue and safety orange.) + Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in +your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive +you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult +the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. +% +As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two +figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew +his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, +oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three +inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You +could have been killed!" + The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was +coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with +brakes." +% +As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." +% +Ask your boss to reconsider -- +It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. +% +Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old +woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, +she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." + -- David Letterman +% +ASS: + The masculine of "lass". +% +Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! +% +Assassins do it from behind. +% +At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that +it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over +the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's +NOT my rectum!" + "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" + Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the +room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. + "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. + "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel +off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have +numbers on it!" +% +At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. +The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went +to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. + +"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the + theologians. +"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY + SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." +% +At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the +decent men in public life. + -- Renata Adler +% +Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. +% +Australia's a lovely land +It's full of bonza blokes, +Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer +Except in Pommie jokes. + +Australians are lovely chaps +They're God's own chosen race. +If they ever see a fairy Pom +They'll smash him in the face. + +Australians like dressing up +In skirts and having fun +And that's all we were doing +When the Vice Squad came along. + -- Monty Python +% +A-Z affectionately, +1 to 10 alphabetically, +from here to eternity without in betweens, +still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, +sales talk from sales assistants + when all i want to do is lower your resistance, +no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, +love's on arrival, +she comes when she comes, +right on the target but wide of the mark... +% +B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 +% +Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. + -- Nicolas Chamfort +% +Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was +popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- +blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from +back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker +kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll +give you $10 for a blow job." + The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and +killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank +you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" + Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! +No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" +% +Balls Law: + The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat + of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. +% +BALTIMORE: + Where the women wear turtleneck + sweators to hide their flea collars. +% +Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). +% +Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. +Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. +Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, +Unless you get a good percentage of her price. + -- Tom Lehrer +% +BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! +% +Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! +% +Beauty, n: + The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. +% +Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or +repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is +more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we +get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging +bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we +love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor +too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community +care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're +aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and +if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're +unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but +men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're +made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons +we are part of the women's liberation movement. +% +Bedfellows make strange politicians. +% +beef stroganoff, n: + A bull masturbating. +% +"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to +confess some affairs that I've had in the past." + "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man +replied. + "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." +% +Beifeld's Principle: + The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive + young female increases by pyramidical progression when he + is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a + better-looking and richer male friend. + -- R. Beifeld +% +Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. +To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. + -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" +% +Bend over and take it like a man! +% +Beneath this stone a virgin lies, +For her life held no terrors. +A virgin born, a virgin died: +No hits, no runs, no errors. +% +Beneath this stone lies Murphy, +They buried him today, +He lived the life of Riley, +While Riley was away. +% +Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? +Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. +Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. + It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. +% +Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. +% +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: + The single girl's motto. +% +Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. + -- Mae West +% +Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. +% +Bi now, gay later! +% +Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva +generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic +prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, +and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time +you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail +isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously +remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm +with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- +A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but +can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely +erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating +results. + -- The Joy of Sex + [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] +% +Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they +discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women +can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she +don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" +% +Birth, copulation and death. +That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; +Birth, copulation and death. + -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" +% +Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. + -- Woody Allen +% +Bitch, bitch, bitch -- +That's all I ever hear, +Ever since the dog ate the baby, +"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." +% +Blow it out your ass! +% +Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain +sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. +Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk +driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. +% +BOHICA: + Bend over, here it comes again. +% +Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up +your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's +one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting +but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual +feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- +something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more +because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a +mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive +self to try it. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous +Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. +% +Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. +% +Breakfast sometime? + Sure. +Shall I call you or just nudge you? +% +Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh +Held venal traffic with a gnu. +Mistaking fore for aft one morn +Impaled herself upon its horn. + +Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun + our furred and feathered friends. +% +Brigands will demand your money or +your life, but a woman will demand both. + -- Samuel Butler +% +Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. +% +Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... +[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing + -- NY Times +% +Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past +week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science +students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, +with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of +the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected +to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing +revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting +the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to +campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on +Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in +addition to the usual humiliation. +% +brunette bush, n: + The dark side of the moon. +% +bug, n: + A son of a glitch. +% +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee +Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. +The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about +cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with +tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% +"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" + -- Anonymous med school student. +% +But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! +Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. + -- S.I. Hayakawa +% +But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. + -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson +% +Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. + -- Lord Beaverbrook +% +By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you +get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. + -- Socrates +% +CAD: + A man who doesn't tell his wife + that he's sterile until she's pregnant. +% +CALIFORNIA: + From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or + Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or + "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." + -- Ed Moran, Covina, California +% +Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... +% +callgirl, n: + A negotiable blond. +% +Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. + -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth +% +Camille's Axiom: + If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did + I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. +% +Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. + -- From the movie "Outrageous" +% +CANCER (June 21 - July 22) + You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. + They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. + That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare + recipients are Cancer people. +% +Candy +Is dandy +But liquor +Is quicker. + -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" + +Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. + Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, + and sex won't rot your teeth. +% +Captain Hook died of jock itch. +% +"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," +the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his +client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is +a hole in the ground." +% +Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when +Communion is served there is also a salad bar. + -- Bill Marr +% +Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, +Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: + Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, + Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; +En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Chaste makes waste. +% +Chastity: + The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. + -- Aldous Huxley +% +CHASTITY BELT: + An anti-trust suit. + + (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) +% +Chastity is its own punishment. +% +Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget +bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. +I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. +It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, +middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a +beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head +to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to +a wedding?" + He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... +yeah." + He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You +know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." +% +Chipmunks roasting on an open fire +Jack Frost ripping up your nose +Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire +And folks dressed up like buffaloes +Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow +Helps to make the season right +Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out +Will find it hard to see tonight +They know that Santa's on his way +He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh +And every mother's child is sure to spy +To see if reindeer really scream when they die +And so I'm offering this simple phrase +To kids from one to ninety two +Although it's been said many times, many ways +Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! +% +Chorus: + I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, + I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, + And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. + I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, + I don't want me pecker blown away, + I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, + And fornicate me bloody life away!! + +Monday I touched her on the ankle, +Tuesday I touched her on the knee, +And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, +And Thursday I saw you know what, +Friday I put me 'and upon it, +Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] +And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, +And now she pays me forty quid a week! +Oh, blimey... + +[chorus] +% +CHRIST: + A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. +% +Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not +committing them? + -- Jules Feiffer +% +CHRISTIAN: + One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired + book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +CHRISTIAN: + One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far + as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. +% +Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in +a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. +In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. +% +CHRISTMAS: + A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry + salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best + response time of the entire year. +% +CHRISTMAS: + A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most + deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our + choice. +% +Christmas comes but once a year, +A time for love and laughter; +You can come much more than that, +But you have to clean up after. +% +Cinderella 10: + A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and + then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. +% +Clark Kent is a transvestite. +% +Clarke's Third Law: + Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from + magic. + +G's Third Law: + In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe + is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. + +H's Dictum: + There is no magic ... +% +Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, +and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. + -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" +% +Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. +% +clitoris, n: + A haired trigger. +% +CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) + +Oh, give me a clone +Of my own flesh and bone + With the Y chromosome changed to X. +And when she is grown, +My very own clone, + We'll be of the opposite sex. +Chorus: + Clone, clone of my own, + With the Y chromosome changed to X. + And when we're alone, + Since her mind is my own, + She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. + -- Randall Garrett +% +Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! +% +COCAINE: + The thinking man's Dristan. +% +Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. +% +Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. +% +Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. + -- Tallulah Bankhead +% +Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. +% +Cocaine's a joke! + (Who's got the next line?) +% +cock-sucker, n: + Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. +% +Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. +What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? + -- Orben's Current Comedy +% +Coito ergo sum +% +coitus interruptus, n: + A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) + "I want to have your child." +% +Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as +ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to +endure marriage. But she? + -- Franz Kafka +% +Coitus upon a cadaver +Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. + Her inanimate state + Means a man needn't wait, +And eliminates all the palaver. +% +COLD: + When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. +% +cold, adj: + When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. +% +College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, +and nine months later you wish you'd never come. +% +Come along and sing a song and join our family. +B & D +S & M +Post to A.S.B.! +Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. +B & D +S & M +Post to A.S.B.! +A.S.B.! + (A.S.B.!) +A.S.B.! + (A.S.B.!) +Come on now, let's try another tie! + (Tie! Tie! Tie!) +All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. +B & D +S & M +Post on A.S.B.! + -- To the Mickey Mouse March +% +Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! +Catholic girls start much too late, +Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, +I might as well be the one. +Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, +Built you a temple and locked you away, +Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, +The things that you might have done. +So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, +Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, +That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, +Never lets in the sun. +Darling, only the good die young! + -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" +% +Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. + -- Mae West +% +COMMENT: + A superfluous element of a source program included so the + programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing + six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according + to those who think they aren't. +% +Communists do it without class. +% +Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. +% +computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: + Hot Apple pie. +% +Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. + + [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] +% +Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams. + -- Robin Williams +% +Confucious say: + man who lay girl on hill, not on level. + man who pull out too fast leave rubber. + man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. + modern house without toilet uncanny. + man with athletic finger make broad jump + woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before + they shoot. + man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. + woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. + child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission + turn out to be shiftless bastard. + a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. + man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! +% +Confucious say: + man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. + man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. + man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. + boy who play with himself pulls boner. + woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. + man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. + man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. + man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. + man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, + get exhausted. +% +Confucious say: + woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. + woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring + next spring. + man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. + passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. + man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. + man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. + woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. + woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. + Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. + squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. + eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. + seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. +% +Confucious say: + woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. + fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. + woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. + man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. + man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. + man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. + man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. + man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. + man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. + man who streak unsuited for work. + woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. + man who beat off in car have hot rod. +% +CONFUSION: + One woman plus one left turn. +EXCITEMENT: + Two women plus one secret. +BEDLAM: + Three women plus one bargain. +CHAOS: + Four women plus one luncheon check. +% +confusion, n: + Father's Day in San Francisco. +% +CONSULTANT: + Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. +% +continental breakfast, n: + A roll in bed with some honey. +% +Coors, n: + Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. +% +Copa-ulation: +(to the tune of Copacabana) + +Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, +She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, +And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, +And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, +His favorite drink is cream in coffee, +Won't you order one? + +At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... + +Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, +But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, +Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, +She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, +But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, +But a real good time ... +% +Couples in motion have moments. +% +courage, n: + Two cannibals having oral sex. +% +Cover your stump before you hump. +Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. +Don't be silly... protect your Willie. +Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. +If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. + -- National Condom Week +% +Cox's philosophy: + Life's a bitch, then you die. +% +coyote love, n: + Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + chew off your arm at the shoulder. + +coyote ugly, adj: + When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for + a one-armed man! +% +coyote love, n: + Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + chew off your arm at the shoulder. + +coyote ugly, adj: + When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for + a one-armed man! + +See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically +as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. +% +"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple +and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and +because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be +more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our +entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing +honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment +to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any +general understanding of science as an enterprise? + -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" +% +crew, n: + Eight big men and their cute little cox. +% +Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? +I know - you don't have to say that! + All you guys want of me + Is a poke where I pee, +And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" +% +Crinklaw's Observation: + Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, + marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. +% +Cum Hilde autem ambulabat +Homo qui aedificabat. + Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. + Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. +Sed virginem pine necebat. +% +Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. +% +Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. +% +Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, +"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" + "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was +captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." +% +Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, +Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? +I really must beg your pardon, +But I've got a hell of a hard-on, +From beating my meat, against the seat, +Of a bicycle built for two. + -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" +% +Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. +% +Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches +Got on with her grooms and her wenches: + She went down on the gents, + And pronged the girl's vents +With a clitoris reaching six inches. +% +Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. + -- Raymond Chandler +% +Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? +FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! +% +Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car +from Avis again. + -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an + axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his + rented car. + +If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on +me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. + -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being + arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. + + At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time +stand-up guy. + Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. +He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong +path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison +sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. + Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything +you wish to say?" + "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've +got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, +you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." + -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" +% +Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. +% +Dave has an areoplane, +In which he likes to frisk. +Oh what a foolish boy, +His silly *. +% +David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. +% +De Hispanice puella verumque +Simplex oris verborumque + Tulit potens vagina + Hominum agmina +Iterum iterum iterumque. +% +Dear Abby: + I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was +a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my +sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother +is a graduate student attending Purdue University. + Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison +for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very +much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. + My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? + + Sincerely, + Undecided. +% +Dear Abby: + I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I +think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember +from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? + --Confused + +Dear Confused: + If she coughs, fuck her. +% +Dear Ann Landers: + I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois +Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death +in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when +I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father +sells narcotics. + I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where +she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love +this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her +about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? + -- Confused. +% +Dear Ann Landers: + My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims +one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to +know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. + -- E.J. Mayfield +% +Dear Lord, observe this bended knee +This visage meek and humble, +And hear this confidential plea +Voiced in reverent mumble: + Give me Shylock, give me Fagin + But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! + -- Ansel Adams +% +Dear Miss Manners: +Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. + +Gentle Reader: +Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. +If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic +discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, +and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth +along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, +however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more +intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your +pink tongue. +% +Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this +telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: + "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." +% +Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely +housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. +The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that +were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make +him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just +put one in whatever he's drinking." + Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter +and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped +up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family +dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking +they were aspirin. + When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping +the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight +of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. +"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. + "See that mosquito?" he replied. +% +Dial 911. Make a cop come. +% +diaphragm, n: + A childproof cap. +% +dicker, v: + What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. +% +Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? + -- Ed Sanders +% +Did you hear about... + the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? +% +Did you hear about... + the plastic surgeon who hung himself? +% +Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother +her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't +ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that +she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next +question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told +him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question +again. + Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply +asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he +had found the answers to all of his questions! + "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh +125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" +% +Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? +% +Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? +You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. +% +Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? +He was blown down the street by a rocket. + The force of the blast + Blew his balls up his ass, +And his pecker was found in his pocket. +% +Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year? +Found the body. +% +Did you know that some people your age have sex +thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? +% +Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? +% +Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? +% +Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same +room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! + -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings +% +Disclaimer of the Week: + Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. +% +Disillusioned words like bullets bark, +As human gods aim for their mark, +Make everything from toy guns that spark +To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. +It's easy to see without looking too far +That not much is really sacred. +% +Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. +% +DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! +UP PERISCOPE!!! + +(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) +% +divorce, n: + A change of wife. +% +Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? +% +Do married women make the best wives? +% +Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first +step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. + -- DeGourmont +% +Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, +For though the world stood up +And stopped the bastard, +The bitch that bore him is in heat again. + -- Bertolt Brecht +% +Do something big -- fuck a giant. +% +"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. +"Who else?" answered the patient. +% +Do you smoke after sex? +Why, do you know, I've never looked! +% +Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. +% +Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, +very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. + -- Dick Brandon +% +Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? + -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" +% +Does it rape elephants? + -- Brent Byer +% +Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. +It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. +% +Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men +are strange as hell. + -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" +% +Don't dip your wick in a WAC, +Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, + Just sit in the sand + And do it by hand, +And buy bonds with the money you save. +% +Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. +% +Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the +idea that I'm knocking the American system. + -- Al Capone +% +Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. + -- Woody Allen +% +Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. + -- Woody Allen +% +Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. + -- Bo Diddley +% +Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! +% +Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. +% +Dope will get you through times of no money +better than money will get you through times of no dope! + -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" +% +Down by the old model T, +Where she first showed it to me. + It was furry and black, + And she called it a crack, +But it looked like a manhole to me. +% +Draft beer, not boys! +% +Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, +but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing +exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. + -- Grace Slick +% +Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. +% +Dull women have immaculate homes. +% +DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell +Built a world-circling pussy cartel, + And by planned obsolescence, + So controlled detumescence, +A poor man could not get a smell. +% +During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of +Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, +Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I +read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like +that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher +said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a +well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described +the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his +misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to +say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz +nuts.'" + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +% +dyke, n: + A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own + tampons. +% +Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. +% +Dyslexics have more fnu. +% +DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! +% +Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. +% +Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. +% +Eat shit and die a virgin! +% +Economists are still trying to figure out why the +girls with the least principle draw the most interest. +% +EE's do it without shorts. +% +Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. + -- Chinese Proverb +% +Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. + -- Jackie Mason +% +Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: + 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, + and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. + 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. + 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber + ...is married + ...is on penicillin + ...likes you -- but loves your brother! + 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. + 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. + 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". + 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. + 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. + 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. + 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. + 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. +% +embarrassment, n: + Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. +% +Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant +professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast +as a male schlemiel. + -- Ewald Nyquist +% +Erogenous zone, n: + The skin you touch to love. +% +Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, +Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. + Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, + Ich hore Mann kommen." +"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." +% +eternity, n: + The length of time between when you come and he leaves. +% +Ethnologists up with the Sioux +Wired home for two punts, one canoe. + The answer next day, + Said, "Girls on the way, +But what the hell's a `panoe'?" +% +Evangelists do it with Him watching. +% +Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. +% +Evening hours "all clear" for romance! +(Tell mate you have to work late.) +% +Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you +wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? + -- George Carlin +% +Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? +Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? +% +Every harlot was a virgin once. + -- William Blake +% +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start +closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive +like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume +and at least a pint of ether. + -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start +closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then +drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start +closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and +then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% +Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, + Amen!" +Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" +Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" +Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" +New-Bruce: "No!" +Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: + Rule One!" +Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" +Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos + in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" +Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" +Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not + drinking. Rule Five..." +Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" +Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." +Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" +Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This + here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a + bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! + -- Monty Python +% +Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. +Except for women. +% +Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus +Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" +and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". +% +Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans +are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. + Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by +cats. + You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. + They're neat. + They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something +about it. + They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. + They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? + What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. +It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to +do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. +% +Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. + -- Ellyn Mustard +% +exotic dancer, n: + A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. +% +Exuberant Sue from Anjou +Found that fucking affected her hue. + She presented to sight + Nipples pink, bottom white; +But her asshole was purple and blue. +% +falsie salesman, n: + Fuller bust man. +% +Famous last words: + 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. + 2: You and what army? + 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. + 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't + be a cop. + 5: I don't see how they make a profit + out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. + 6: We're just getting into semantics again. + 7: Everything's under control. + 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! +% +Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full +of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, +long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... + -- James Joyce +% +Fed some caviar to my girlfriend +She was a virgin tried and true +Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' +There ain't nothin' she won't do! + Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - + Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. + Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' + That's why caviar is my dish! + +Fed some caviar to my Grandpa +He was a man of ninety-three +Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma +He had chased her up a tree! + (chorus) +% +felt tip, v: + Past tense for a breast examination! +% +Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a +flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? + -- Rita Rudner +% +female, n: + Life support system for a pussy. +% +Feminism, n: + A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that + both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. +% +Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. +% +Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of +women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their +handbags are full. + -- Earl Wilson +% +Fie for shame, +you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, +libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! +% +Fig Newton. +% +Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. +% +Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, +Are powerful wardens upon chastity. + -- Geoffrey Chaucer +% +Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. + +Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? +Tarzan: Tarzan first name. +Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? +Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. +Reporter: And who is the woman with you? +Tarzan: That Jane. +Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? +Tarzan: Cunt. +% +First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, +Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, +Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll +And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. +Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, +You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, +Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, +Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! +Doin' the Vatican Rag. + +So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, +Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, +Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, +And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, + Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! + -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" +% +Five-foot nine, eyes that shine +He was born in Palestine +Has anybody seen my Lord? + +He's so cool, he's so fine +Eat his bread and drink his wine +Has anybody seen my Lord? + +He's so neat, he's so cool, +Walks across my swimming pool. +Has anybody... +% +Flappity, floppity, flip +The mouse on the Mobius strip; + The strip revolved, + The mouse dissolved +In a chronodimensional skip. +% +Flirt, n: + A girl whose favorite man is the next one. +% +Floating idly one day through the air, +A circus performer named Blair, + Tied a sizeable rock, + To the end of his cock, +And shattered a balcony chair. +% +Floppy now, hard later. +% +Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself +to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched +by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really +bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole +life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno +gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended +and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. +Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of +a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final +appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, +Mr. Joe Gideon!! + -- All That Jazz +% +Fond of equestrians, Mabel +Looked for true love in the stable. + But she found the studs, + For her were all duds, +Now she's out with the leg of a table. +% +For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. +% +For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. +% +For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. +% +For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, +Getting housewives' attention's no chore: + He's endowed with a dong + That is 12 inches long, +So he wedges his foot in the door. +% +For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. + -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry + +When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. + -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" +% +For children, a woman. +For pleasure, a boy. +For sheer ecstasy, a melon. +% +For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an +exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was +raised! +% +For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral +sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was +simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let +alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and +one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was +over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, +sweetheart?" + He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no +cocksucker!" +% +For the sores on his prick he used Dial. +That failed; he gave Lava a trial. + But the one remedy + For contagious V.D. +Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +% +For the sores on his prick he used Dial. +That failed; he gave Lava a trial. + But the one remedy + For contagious V.D. +Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +% +"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, +"You have told me my bosom is snowy; + You have made much fine verse on + Each part of my person, +Now do something -- there's a good boy!" +% +fornication, n: + Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. +% +FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 + +Sex: + Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of +foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. + +Maturity: + Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can +function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards +and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school +romances rarely work out. + +Handwriting: + To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just +chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their +"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their +"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even +when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. +% +FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 + +Sexual frequency: + The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every +morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to +have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. + +Shopping: + It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. +Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he +will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. +He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in +color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him +half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished +his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to +relax. +% +Fortune Personals: + SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have + own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries + only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. +% +Fortune presents: + USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. + +Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? +Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. +Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. +Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some + contraceptives. +^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? +% +Fortune presents: + USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. +Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. +Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish + Inkvizicion. Inquisition. +La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. +Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. +^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, + vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? +% +Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! + +Try: + [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) + ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) + "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? + %blow (C shell) + 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) + got a light? (C shell) + !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) + PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) + make love + make "the perfect dry martini" + man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) + i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) +% +FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 + +You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this +proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your +proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into +your coffee. You: + + (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. + (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. + (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his + "In" basket. + (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. +% +FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 + +You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and +tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players +live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: + + (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't + remember your name. + (b) Ask what position she played. + (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. + (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask + if he recognizes the label. +% +FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 + +You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be +your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into +the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention +to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone +in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as +his daughter. Your next move is to: + + (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. + (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. + (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the + daughter and get her number. + (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. +% +FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 +You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January +and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live +there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: + + (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your + name. + (b) Ask what position she played. + (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if + he recognizes the label. +% +FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 + +You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives +in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and +egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. +Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass +bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: + + (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. + (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. + (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. +% +Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality +could go either way. +% +Fortune's Guide to Movies: +G: No girl. +PG: The hero gets the girl. +R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. +X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure + which end it will be. +XXX: Everybody gets the girl. +% +Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 + + Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if +you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. +If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch +you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent +of rape and should be avoided at all cost. + Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do +you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things +rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously +not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. + Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about +"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., +they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you +don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", +are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally +scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for +rational discussion. (See above.) +% +Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 + +The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical +recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for +30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the +final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call +the author of that memo: + 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. + 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping + cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos + are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. + 3: something unpleasant. +The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone +has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern +electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning +of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of +the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via +a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. +% +FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 + + Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. +% +FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 + + Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. +% +Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual +Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game +shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", +one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for +us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" + "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual +medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally +decided to have the vagina removed." + The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You +mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all +these years?" +% +France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear +the toilet paper. + -- Billy Wilder +% +From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the +fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The +moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and +whispered, + "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine +inches?" +There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, + "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times +in a row!" +% +Fuck art; let's dance! +% +Fuck off and die! +% +Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. +% +Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! +% +Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. +It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. + It makes you sick, it makes you well, + It turns your spine to fucking jell, +It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. +% +fuck-me-pumps, n: + Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. +The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with +heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around +them properly. +% +fuckoff, n: + The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. +% +Gardeners do it in raised beds. +% +GARTER: + An elastic band intended to keep a woman + from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. +% +Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive +Donna Rice home. +% +GAY: + One who'd rather swish than fight. +% +GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) + You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because +you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too +little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. +% +Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? + -- Mae West +% +Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. +% +George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to +find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He +leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the +bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the +foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw +another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up +at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" +% +George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he +also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? +Because George still had the axe in his hand. +% +GEORGIA: + Where kinky sex means getting laid. +% +"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." +"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" +"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" +"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" + +"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif +you'd like to go out with me!" + +Oh my god you little Geek! +Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, +I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. +You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, +I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. + I'm too hot, too hot for you. +Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! +I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer +You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, +Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. +I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, + But you'll only see me in you dreams. +"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. +"Well, she didn't say no..." + -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" +% +GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! +% +Get your bytes from our backend! + -- Britton Lee +% +Getting an education at the University of California +is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. +% +Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel +Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. + But her genital area + Is so vast it'll scareya, +And you venture inside at your peril. +% +Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle + Lean closer. +Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle + Smile at her *knowingly*. +Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle + Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. +Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle + Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. +Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle + Look sincere. + +"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" + + God's gift to women strikes again. + -- J. Feiffer +% +Gimme that old bisexuality, +Gimme that old bisexuality, +Gimme that old bisexuality, +'Cause it's good enough for me! + +It was good for David Bowie, +It was good for David Bowie, +It was good for David Bowie, +And it's good enough for me! +% +Girls are better looking in snowstorms. + -- Archie Goodwin +% +Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! +% +Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation +that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with +certain curvilinear properties. + -- Ashley Montagu +% +Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for +yourself! +% +Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, +however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen +upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you +have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. + -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" +% +Girls who throw themselves at men, +are actually taking very careful aim. +% +Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. +% +Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. + -- Mae West +% +Give me Librium or give me Meth. +% +Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! +% +GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: + A girl into choral sex. +% +Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, +and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. +% +God is a polytheist. +% +God is an atheist. +% +God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. +% +God is not dead -- he's been busted. +% +God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here +on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these +divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No +checks, please. Cash and in small bills. + -- Lazarus Long +% +God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. +% +God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. +% +God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. +% +God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. +% +God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on +where to go. + "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. + "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. + "Well, how about Mercury?" + "No, it's too hot there." + "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" + "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was +there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're +still talking about it." +% +God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love +Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it +will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else +in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply +for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule +over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the +turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent +bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to +impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, +for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette +without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral +dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming +(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well +that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than +expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. +% +God's plan had a great beginning, +But man spoiled his chances by sinning + We trust that the story + Will end in God's glory +But at present the other side's winning. +% +God's plan made a hopeful beginning +But man spoiled his chances by sinning. + We trust that the story + Will end in God's glory +But at present, the other side's winning. +% +Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello +is fatal to a virgin. + -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" +% +Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields +Sold in a market down in New Orleans +Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright +Hear him whip the women, just around midnight + +Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? +Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should + +Drums beating cold English blood runs hot +Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop +House boy knows that he's doing alright +You should a heard him just around midnight. +... +I bet your mama was tent show queen +And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen +I'm no school boy but I know what I like +You should have heard me just around midnight. + -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" +% +Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love +"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. +It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). +Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players +unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in +the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this +simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. +Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be +able to get loose. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. +% +Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! +Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... + +Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, +isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. + +It's swell to have a Stiffy, +it's divine to have a Dick, +from the tinyest little Tadger, +to the world's greatest Prick. + +So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, +Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. + +Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, +your Porky or your Cock, +you can wrap it up in ribbons, +you can stick it in your sock! + +But, don't take it out in public, +or they will stick you in the dock, +and you won't come back. + -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python +% +good scout, n: + Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. +% +Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his +window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* +good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming +voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and +the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but +great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. +Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his +bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, +"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" +Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his +day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. + Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he +dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, +Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to +you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, +asshole! I'm in the West now!" +% +Grain grows best in shit. + -- U.K. LeGuin +% +Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. +% +Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. +% +great lover, n: + A man who can breathe through his ears. +% +GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 + +On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then +Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought +them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought +I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from +his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs +in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service +men stood lookout. +% +Gross, adj.: + When your bloody mary still has the string in it. +% +Gross, adj.: + When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and + slips you some tongue. +% +Gynecologist, n: + Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. +% +HACKER: + A master byter. +% +Hackers do it bottom-up. +% +Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. +% +Hackers do it with bugs. +% +Hackers do it with fewer instructions. +% +Hackers have kernel knowledge. +% +Hackers know all the right MOVs. +% +Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half +are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing +is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? + -- From alt.sex +% +Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? +% +Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. +Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- + Babies' diapers. -- + Bottom wipers. -- +Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. +% +Handy hint: + A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute + when you're out of tampons. +% +Hang gliders come down very slowly. +% +Hangover, n: + The burden of proof. +% +HAPPINESS: + Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. +% +Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to +mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference +between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep +or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses +his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. +Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. + -- Tom Robbins +% +Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the +22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The +determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement +program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, +lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the +rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. + On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck +by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How +could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" + "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't +recognize you." +% +Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished +when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his +boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, +off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting +that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, +he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with +a stretcher. + "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." +Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the +enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. + "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, +feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" +Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, + "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." +Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" +% +Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to +America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials +difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we +got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico +by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, +but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our +attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. +General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take +up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't +thought of this... +% +Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman +President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got +my period." + -- Steven Moore +% +Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or +uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But +if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't +laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God +other parts of our bodies are dumber. +% +Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I +mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with +water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom +is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians +don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a +damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and +Shirley" week after week. + -- Dave Barry +% +Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, +Who came to Rumania's rescue? + It's a wonderful thing + To be under a king-- +Is democracy better, I esk you? +% +Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum +Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? + Some people say, + Love finds a way, +But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. +% +Have you heard of the lady named Cox +Who had a capacious old box? + When her lover was in place + She said, "Please turn your face. +I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." +% +Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham +And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? + How they lift the frock + And tickle the cock +Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? +% +Have you seen how Sonny's burning, +Like some bright erotic star, +He lights up the proceedings, +And raises the temperature. + -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" +% +Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used +for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such +attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous +as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the +Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God +finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. + -- R.E. Masters +% +Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to +satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical +powers. + After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. +Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating +the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will +work only three times. Make use of them wisely." + As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," +he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. +"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. + He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. +The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. + "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. + Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside +and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. + "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. +"Beep-beep!" + "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. +"What's all this beep-beep shit?" +% +Having made a remark rather coarse, +A young lady was seized with remorse; + She fled from the room, + And later, a groom +Saw her rolling about in the gorse. + -- Edward Gorey +% +He: Am I... am I your first? +She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... +% +He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" +She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." +% +He: So, what do you say to little fuck? +She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." +% +He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, +But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. + -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" +% +He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, +muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. +But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, +a pocket camera? + -- An Exciting Journey +% +He dove down overweighted with lead. +Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. + He flapped and he flailed, + Spit his hose and he wailed, +Swallowed water and found himself dead. +% +He drank with curvy Mable, +The pace was fast and furious, +He slid beneath the table, +Not drunk but merely curious. +% +He grabbed me by my slender neck, +I could not call or scream. +He dragged me to his tiny room, +Where we could not be seen. +He tore away my filmy wrap, +And gazed upon my form. +I so cold and frightened, +While he so strong and warm. +He pressed me to his thirsty lips, +I gave him every drop. +He drained me of my very self, +I could not make him stop! +And that is why you see me here, +An empty, broken bottle of beer... +% +He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. +So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything +unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I +do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey +hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. + "We've got her here, but only for the day." + The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went +into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his +cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing +but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided +that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and +asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" + "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group +of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching +a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. + "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really +great!" + The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here +a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" +% +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +% +He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy +Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. + Then his gargantuan pole in + Her pink, tight, and swollen +Young cunt just about drove her crazy. +% +He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. +% +He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. +% +He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- +scared it'd get serious. +% +He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." +% +He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth +and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. + -- Fred Allen +% +He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- +Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. +It's the only job he's qualified for! + -- Michael Cain +% +He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. +% +He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, +pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. +% +He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. +% +He who trains his tongue to quote the learned +sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. + -- Howard Kandel +% +Hear about... + one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you + have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? +% +Hear about... + the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow + Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? +% +Hear about... + the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing + the bed? +% +Hear about... + the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and + started chiseling on his wife? +% +Hear about... + the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing + his whatchamacalit? +% +Hear about... + the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and + demanded a salary on next week's advance? +% +Hear about... + the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? + Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. +% +Hear about... + the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to + go up on him? +% +Hear about... + the careless canary that did it for a lark? +% +Hear about... + the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? +% +Hear about... + the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? + The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure + which end it will be. +% +Hear about... + the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to + a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? +% +Hear about... + the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? +% +Hear about... + the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the + wrong foot? +% +Hear about... + the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't + get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. +% +Hear about... + the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed + everybody in the joint? +% +Hear about... + the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and + asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? +% +Hear about... + the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and + next morning found she was six months pregnant? +% +Hear about... + the farmer who couldn't keep his + hands off his wife so he fired them? +% +Hear about... + the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he + fired them? +% +Hear about... + The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed + her between the limbs? +% +Hear about... + the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? +% +Hear about... + the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly + accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. +% +Hear about... + the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? +% +Hear about... + the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? +% +Hear about... + the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the + delinquency of a major? +% +Hear about... + the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went + to the front? +% +Hear about... + the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex + education when she heard the final exam would be oral? +% +Hear about... + the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and + then his wife didn't leave town? +% +Hear about... + the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider + marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? +% +Hear about... + the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local + sailors? +% +Hear about... + the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, + so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? +% +Hear about... + the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was + such a sweet liquor? +% +Hear about... + the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator + off? +% +Hear about... + the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? +% +Hear about... + the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost + his ball bearings. +% +Hear about... + the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he + lost his ball bearings? +% +Hear about... + the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? + Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. +% +Hear about... + the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that + he'd never be able to face his girl again? +% +Hear about... + the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? +% +Hear about... + the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? +% +Hear about... + the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his + assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? +% +Hear about... + the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and + so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? +% +Hear about... + the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? +% +Hear about... + the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose + a lot more than letters behind the files? +% +Hear about... + the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are + with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? +% +Hear about... + the little boy that found a fifty cent + piece, so he went home for some money? +% +Hear about... + the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home + for some money? +% +Hear about... + the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on + Palm Sunday, of course. +% +Hear about... + the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New + York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? +% +Hear about... + the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that + he'd never be able to face his girl again? +% +Hear about... + the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often + that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? +% +Hear about... + the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk + and they eat each other. +% +Hear about... + the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, + crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? +% +Hear about... + the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in + Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. +% +Hear about... + the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in + single bars -- BANG AMERICARD? +% +Hear about... + the new rule at the girls' school? + Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. +% +Hear about... + the new vitamin made from chicken blood, + it makes men cocky and women lay better? +% +Hear about... + the nurse they thought had drowned + until they found her under the doc? +% +Hear about... + the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? +% +Hear about... + the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? +% +Hear about... + the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? +% +Hear about... + the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into + a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? +% +Hear about... + the real smart girl who could play post-office all night + without getting any mail in her box? +% +Hear about... + the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the + men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? +% +Hear about... + the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought + someone would grab his seat? +% +Hear about... + the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? +% +Hear about... + the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. +% +Hear about... + the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"? +% +Hear about... + the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a + wide receiver? +% +Hear about... + the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell + off the sofa? +% +Hear about... + the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have + to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? +% +Hear about... + the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her + feel like a new man? +% +Hear about... + the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a + new man? +% +Hear about... + the young lady attacked in San Francisco? + By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. +% +Hear about... + the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as + Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because + she's a wonderful mount? +% +Hear about the... + guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that + if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. +% +Hear that... + bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous + Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? +% +Hear that... + the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization + in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member + in good standing? +% +Hear that... + the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your + collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? +% +Hear that... + the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled + "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? +% +Hear that... + there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky + tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? +% +Hear that... + those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male + version -- with nuts of course? +% +Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. +Seems he's screwing everyone but her. +% +He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie +They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. + So he put Spanish fly + In their pudding and pie +And had the first tiny-tot orgy. +% +Heisenberg may have done it. +% +"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, +"I won't suck his filthy old prick! + It's not that I funk + At a mouthful of spunk, +But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" +% +"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..." + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% +Hello, children!! + This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. + Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap + and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! + + One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her + tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he + grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and + hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. + + Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. + He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the + pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* + of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. + + Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic + oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted + glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** + and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** + the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. +% +Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! + -- Bisexuality, 101 +% +Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) +% +HENPECKED HUSBAND: + One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. +% +Her brother, a bastard named Ben, +Could rotate his pecker, and then + He would shoot through his rear + Which made him dear +Of the girls, and the envy of men. +% +Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, +Had morals the city might soften. + So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, + Are you living in sin?" +Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." +% +Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. +% +Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', +Just gave birth to another Texan. +% +Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue +of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with +the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it +when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the +suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it +over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until +one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under +an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling +stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was +illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the +court was going to take a nap. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, +The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. +He spent his life in a futile hunt, +To find a woman with a spiral cunt. +And when he did, he dropped stone dead, +'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! +% +Here's to the girl in little red shoes, +She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, +She has no cherry, but that's no sin, +She has the box the cherry came in. +% +Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, +She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack +She feels so fine and kisses so sweet +She makes things stand that have no feet. +% +Here's to the girl that's sweet, +Here's to the girl that's true, +Here's to the girl in all our hearts... + +In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for +the rest of the night? +% +Here's to the woman beautiful and devine +she flowers every month bears fruit every nine +she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell +can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. +% +Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling +into her hands. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +HERMIT: + A man who'd rather get off by himself. +% +HERPES: + The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. + Much better. +% +He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. + -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza +% +He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to +read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. +% +He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; +he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. +% +Hey baby! + How 'bout a brutal face fuck? +% +HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: + A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to +become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just +like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. +They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents +today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the +male or female edition. +% +HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: + Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! +Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques +for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. +% +HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: + Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an +oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! +% +Hickory Dickory Dock, +Three mice ran up a clock! +The clock struck one, +Right in the balls! + +There was an old woman, +Who lived in a shoe, +Who had so many children, +Her uterus fell right out. +% +Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational +Yale University Extracurricular +Gave up misogyny Heterosexual +Opened its door. Fun is in store. +% +Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! +% +His shy bride admitted to Crandall +That for years she'd worked off with a candle, + But a cock like his dick + Gave her ten times the kick, +Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! +% +Home is where the hurt is. + -- Strange de Jim +% +Honest, officer, had I known my health was +in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! +% +HONOR: + Almost as good as in 'er. +% +horny, adj: + When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. +% +Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. +Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another +weak sister to be shored up. + -- J.R. Ewing +% +HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN + Vol. I -- Etiquette + +1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then + scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" +2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. +3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil + it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've + seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" +4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. +5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a + toy submarine. +% +How can you say that the world isn't +Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? +% +How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? +% +How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the +government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was +gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. +We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! +% +How should they answer? + -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question + "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" +% +How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? +Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. +% +HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 + Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with + Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and + be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between + the keys. +% +Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. + -- John Valby +% +Hugh Hefner is a virgin. +% +Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the +bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. +% +Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. +% +hypocrite, n: + A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. +% +I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this +country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. + -- Steve Martin +% +I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. +You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's +going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because +you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on +a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... + -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach. +% +I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost +perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are +too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it +the one immortal blemish of mankind. + -- Fredrich Nietzsche +% +I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that +I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll +just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed +about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his +hand on the nuclear button." + -- Richard Nixon +% +I came; I saw; I fucked up. +% +I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute +dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing +and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. + -- Betty MacDonald +% +I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the +afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. + -- Gore Vidal +% +I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. + -- Peter Knight +% +I choked Linda Lovelace. +% +I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, +but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs +and wallowing in its odor. + -- Salvador Dali +% +I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; +here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully +rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined +5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after +absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! +-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the +Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, +& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I +began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the +Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before +they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of +Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of +Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every +week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my +Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! + -- William Cobbett, British journalist +% +I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing +Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" + I replied, "Simple shagging + Without any wagging +Is only for screwing canoeing." +% +"I do love a lay every day, +So whenever you're coming this way + Just phone in advance + And I'll jerk off my pants, +And we're set for a sexy soiree!" +% +I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. +% +I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. + -- Bisexuality, 101 + + [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] +% +I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. + -- W.C. Fields +% +I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let +them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save +the plan. + -- Richard Nixon +% +I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the +money and all the pussy. + -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" +% +I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. + -- The Undergraduate +% +I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone +I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win +If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In +Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal +My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was + Breaking My Heart +Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer +Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You +When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living + With You Is the Pits +I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger + -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" +% +"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his +marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." +% +I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is +one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. +% +I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. +It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. + -- P.J. O'Rourke +% +I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her + just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". +I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" +And she replied, "A Stetson." +% +"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," +sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the +cows came home." +% +I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about +Italians -- they're so Jewish. + -- Kay Ballard +% +I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... +boy, were they mad! + -- Stephen Wright +% +I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve +years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled +"Made in Taiwan". + -- The Stunt Man +% +I have a funny daddy +Who goes in and out with me +And everything that baby does +Daddy's sure to see, +And everything that baby says, +My daddy's sure to tell. +You must have read my daddy's verse. +I hope he fries in Hell. + -- Ogden Nash +% +"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," +the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for +the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that +it was enough to make a blown man cry." +% +I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. + -- Will Rogers +% +I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us +take our fill of love until the morning. + -- Proverbs 7:17-18 +% +I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, +but when I tried it I kept falling off. +% +I knew Leo G. Carrol +Was over a barrel +When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] +And I really got hot +When I saw Jeanette Scott +Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. + +Science fiction, double feature +Doctor X will build a creature. +See androids fighting Brad and Janet +Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet +Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh +At the late night, double feature, picture show. + -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show +% +I know a Polack his name is Cliff, +Hey-la-de-la-de-la. +He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, +Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. + +I know a girl, her name is Serafina, +Hey-la-de-la-de-la. +She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, +Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. + +I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, +Hey-la-de-la-de-la. +She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, +Hey la-de-la-de-lo. + -- Doctor Dirty +% +I know of a fortunate Hindu +Who is sought in the towns that he's been to + By the ladies he knows, + Who are thrilled to the toes +By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. +% +I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! +Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! + -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead +% +I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust +an Englishman in the dark. + -- Duncan Spaeth +% +I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. +% +I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family +is to bring a New Yorker home first. +% +I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. +% +I met a young man in Chungking +Who had a very long thing -- + But you'll guess my surprise + When I found that its size +Just measured a third-finger ring! +% +I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come +into my neighborhood after dark. + -- Dick Gregory +% +I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought +it was hell. + -- Harry S. Truman +% +I never had Miss Defauw, +But it wouldn't have been quite so raw + If she'd only said "No" + When I wanted her so; +But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" +% +I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. +% +I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. + -- Lyndon Baines Johnson +% +I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. + -- Lyndon Johnson +% +I once had the wife of a Dean +Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. + She remarked with some gaiety, + "Not bad for the laiety, +Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." +% +I once met a lassie named Ruth +In a long distance telephone booth. + Now I know the perfection + Of an ideal connection +Even if somewhat uncouth. +% +I once was annoyed by a queer +Who made his intentions quite clear. + Said I, "I'm no prude, + So don't think me rude, +But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." +% +I only date queers. + -- Bisexuality, 101 + + [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] +% +I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless +bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed +as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. + -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry +% +I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital +intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. + -- J. Edgar Hoover +% +I shot a query into the net. +I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten +But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; +And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please + Don't send such drivel overseas; +A lawyer sent me private mail +And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: +I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; +And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile + And criticized my writing style. +Each day I scan each Subject line +In hopes the topic will be mine; +I shot a query into the net. +I haven't got an answer yet... + -- Ed Nather +% +I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around +with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. + -- Barry Goldwater + +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. + -- Barry Goldwater +% +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. + -- Barry Goldwater +% +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. + -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's + suggestion that all good Christians should be against + Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court +% +I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse +than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. + -- Frank Zappa +% +I think the Mormon prophet +Was a very funny man. +I wonder how his wives enjoyed +His Prophet Sharing Plan. +% +I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. + -- Strange de Jim +% +I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we +had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized +dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery +from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle +Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were +with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for +them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of +an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets +of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near +to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? +What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a +Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, +the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties +of an Untenured Professor? + -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" +% +I want a girl that can swallow my pride. + -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" +% +I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. + -- Dudley Moore +% +I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. +% +I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. +I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. + -- Firesign Theatre +% +I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. +% +I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island +by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me +about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. + "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my +two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" + As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that +dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" + As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See +that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they +call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" +% +"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear +grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up +and stuck it in my back." + "What did you do?" + "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." +% +I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played +a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one +of them had V.D. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +I wish I was a fascinating lady +With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady +I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night +I'd live in a house with a little red light +And once a month I'd take a small vacation +And leave all the men to their imagination +And once in a while I'd go all wild +And have myself an illegitimate child +I wish I were a fascinating lady +Instead I'm the minister's child +% +I wish that my room had a floor; +I don't so much care for a door, + But this walking around + Without touching the ground +Is getting to be quite a bore! + -- Gelett Burgess +% +I wish that my room had a floor; +I don't so much care for a door, + But this walking around + Without touching the ground +Is getting to be quite a bore! + -- Gelett Burgess +% +I wonder what my wife will want tonight; +Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? + I wonder can she tell + That I've been raising hell; +Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? + +My wife is just as nice as can be, +I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. + For an afternoon of joy, + Is hell on the old boy, +I wonder what the wife will want tonight! +% +I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, +I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. + She said it was crude + To be wooed in the nude-- +I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! +% +I would like to say, Mister Bunce, +I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. + And in all my lewd life + I've met none like your wife, +So why leave her to me, you big dunce? +% +I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. +% +I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of +having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. + -- R. Geis +% +I'd like to give the world a hug +And tell it jokes and stuff +And pull its pants down to its knees +And chase it through the rough + +Then tie it up with bonds and straps +And search its purse for change +Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall +With our cousin who's deranged ... + -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial +% +I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. +% +"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young +man as its logo." + -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" +% +I'd rather have fingers than toes, +I'd rather have ears than a nose, + And a happy erection + Brought just to perfection +Makes me terribly sad when it goes. +% +I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. +% +If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, +does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? +% +If continence causes neurosis +And intercourse causes thrombosis + I'd rather expire + Fulfilling desire +Than live in a state of psychosis. +% +If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? +% +If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, +He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. +% +If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. +% +If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. + -- Malcolm Bradbury +% +If God had wanted people to give blow +jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. +% +If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, +would He have made it look like a taco? +% +If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? +% +If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. + -- George Carlin +% +If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, +In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. +If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper +I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. +If I had a penis I'd take it to parties +Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. +I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. +I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. + +I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. +I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. +I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; +I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. +If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; +Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. +I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... +Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. +[Chorus] + A penis to plunder, a penis to push + 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. + A penis to love me, a penis to share, + To pick up and play with when nobody's there. + -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" +% +If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. + -- Tommy Earl Bruner +% +If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +If it's not one thing, it's a mother. +% +If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible +carpenter. + -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood +% +If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot +to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think +the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* +pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get +lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets +lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and +think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive +Net Mail ... + -- Casey Leedom +% +If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. +% +If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. +% +If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. +% +If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to +masturbate. + -- Diogenes the Cynic +% +If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. + -- Mel Brooks +% +If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. +% +If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would +suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is +only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them +in 1966, only two went back to women. + -- Mort Sahl +% +If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. +If they can, then fuck 'em. +% +If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. +If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. +% +If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? +% +If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. +% +If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. +% +If you find for your verse there's no call, +And you can't afford paper at all, + For the true poet born, + However forlorn, +There is always the lavat'ry wall. +% +If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? +% +If your thesis is utterly vacuous, +Employ first-order predicate calculus. + With sufficient formality, + The sheerest banality, +Will be hailed by all as miraculous! +% +If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic +abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). +% +If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small +town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're +screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, +... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the +night. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written +in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing +friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out +like one or the other of you planned. +% +If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens +when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? +% +If you're speaking of actions immoral +The how about giving the laurel + To doughty Queen Esther, + No three men could best her -- +One fore, and one aft, and one oral. +% +Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse +D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; + Il la mene chaque soir + A son caveau noir +Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, +Qui n'avait que peu de religion. + Il dit:"quant a' moi, + Je deteste tous les trois, +Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" +% +Il y avait un plombier, Francois, +Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. + Dit-elle, "Arretez! + J'entends quelqu'un venait." +Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." +% +Il y avait une madame de Lahore +Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, + Mais la vagine tres forte, + Toujours ouverte la porte, +Encore, et encore, et encore. +% +"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't +doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. + "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went +out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she +always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat +down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the +side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking +aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll +tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was +gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" +% +I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! + -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived +% +I'm a lover not a dancer! +I'm a lover not a dancer! +Don't want to be on my feet, +When I can be on my back, +Don't want to be on the floor, +When I can be in the sack! +I'm a lover not a dancer! +I'm a lover not a dancer! +I'm just a little bit tired +If you know what I mean, +Don't want to be in a crowd +When I can be in a dream! +I'm a lover not a dancer! +Baby! +And, baby, let me prove it to you, +Baby, let me prove it to you! + -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" +% +I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. + -- Martin Cruz Smith +% +I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. + -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees + in the shade. + +Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is +dropped. + -- Franklyn Ajaye +% +I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, +it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French +government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. + -- Groucho Marx +% +I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's +goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps +-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are +goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. +Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are +very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is +very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. + -- J.F. Kennedy +% +I'm not a pheasant plucker, +I'm a pheasant plucker's son. +I'm just a'plucking pheasants +'Til the pheasant plucker comes. + -- The Irish Rovers +% +"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." + -- NPR +% +I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! + -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife +% +I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here + -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. + +She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft + -- Song title by Jerry Reed. + +When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? + -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. + +I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling + -- Unattributed song title. + +Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life + -- Unattributed song title. +% +I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my +girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd +like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" + -- Sam Kinison +% +I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... + +Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, + I'm getting WARM.... + +I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! + ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! + +Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, +couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? +% +Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. +Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. +David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, +And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. +There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. +Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! + +John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, +On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. +Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. +Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, +Hobbes was fond of his dram, +And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". +Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; +A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! + -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" +% +impotent loser, n: + Someone who can't even get his hopes up. +% +In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide +what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. +Finally they decide: + "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us +bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... +Finally a telegram comes back: + "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" +% +In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay +chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the +principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been +sucked into it. +% +In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh +Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. + His wife said, "Oh, stuff + That philosophy guff +Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" +% +In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; +Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow +with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon +Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for +soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... + -- Firesign Theatre +% +In days of old, when knights were bold, + And rubbers weren't invented, +They tied their socks around their cocks + And babies were prevented. +% +In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, +Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, + But this lubricant lapse + Isn't noticed, perhaps +Because nobody does in Duluth. +% +In France they piss on Main Street +(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). + -- Joni Mitchell +% +In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of +its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. +% +In my sweet little Alice Blue gown +Was the first time I ever laid down, + I was both proud and shy + As he opened his fly +And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. + +Oh it hung almost down to the ground, +As it went in I made not a sound, + The more that he shoved it + The more that I loved it, +As he came on my Alice Blue gown. +% +In my sweet little night gown of blue, +On the first night that I slept with you, + I was both shy and scared + As the bed was prepared, +And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. + +As we both watched the break of day, +And in peaceful submission I lay, + You said you adored it + But dammit, you tore it, +My sweet little night gown of blue. +% +In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. +% +In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless +he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client +has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated +that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time +ago." + -- Dennis Miller, SNL News +% +In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. +And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto +their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." + +And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, +"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." +Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, +"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none +may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head +spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel +of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." + +And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical +Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is +very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the +Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the +growth of the Laboratories." + +And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! +% +In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their +beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the +evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all +evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning +the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her +bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, + "Didn't you forget something?" + "What did I forget?" asked the officer. + "You forgot about the money," said the lady. + "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. +"A Polish officer never accepts money." +% +In the shade of the old apple tree +Where between her fat legs I could see + A little brown spot + With the hair in a knot, +And it certainly looked good to me. + +I asked as I tickled her tit +If she thought that my big thing would fit. + She said it would do + So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree +In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. + In the soft dewy grass +I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass +As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. + Her ass it was fine + But you should have seen mine +In the shade of the old apple tree. +% +In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're +kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's +kissing him on the balls. + -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster +% +Incest, n: + Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. +% +Infatuation, n: + When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. + When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. +% +Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe +is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. +% +==================== +Inter-Dwarf Memo +To: Dwarf-list +From: Doc +Re: S. White + + If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill +her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, +surprises. +% +==================== +Inter-Dwarf Memo +To: Dwarf-list +From: Happy +Re: S. White + + Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one +more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. +% +Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since +the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of +cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him +a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." + Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. +When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came +in second," Palmer replied. + "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" + "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." +% +It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be +classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". +% +It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and +it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight +into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. + -- Voltaire +% +It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. +% +It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. +% +It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the +general and lust for its destruction in the particular. +% +It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. +% +It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. +Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other +half are doing it. + -- Winston Churchill +% +It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one +damn thing over and over. + -- Edna St. Vincent Millay +% +It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. +You never know who you'll meet later in the day. +% +It is one of the superstitions of the human mind +to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. + -- Voltaire +% +It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that +could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, +broad-hipped, and short-legged race. + -- Schopenhauer +% +It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the +war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by +teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse +to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes +mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that +the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which +means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine +of a diabetic ..." + By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the +registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored +fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then +startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his +finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed +his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample +was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, +all of us foolishly licked that finger. + "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first +principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. +We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some +anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said +continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but +licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. +% +It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because +if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. +Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, +but there's just no way for us to know it. + -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. +% +It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! +% +It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a +very unfortunate place to have it. + -- Malcolm Muggeridge +% +It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one +sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle +of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that +"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In +a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. + The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention +the apparent miracle. + A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a +moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes +later came back. + By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his +beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian +teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST +AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything +they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. + The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to +shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the +lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to +the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the +rocks are?" +% +It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot +immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were +on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next +day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. +% +It seems that John gets this phone call: + "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line +is hard and cold. + "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months +ago. + "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" + "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and +we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant +and I'm going to kill myself tonight." + John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," +he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." +% +It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He +was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being +a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for +forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded +from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop +but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the +Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, +the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between +gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could +even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he +pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, +he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, +forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the +lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. +Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled +upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so +the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. + "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." +% +It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. +Especially in a paternity hearing. +% +It takes leather balls to play rugby. + (Blood makes the grass grow!) +% +It takes little strain and no art +To bang out an echoing fart. + The reaction is hearty + When you fart at a party, +But the sensitive persons depart. +% +It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. +They can kiss that shit goodbye. +% +It was a female that drove me to drink +and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. + -- R.E. Baber +% +It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. +They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and +the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting +excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse +off and we'll see what he does?" + At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took +off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and +jumping up and down. + "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all +your clothes and we'll see what he does." + Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape +really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around +in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to +the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. + "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" +% +It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the +frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the +bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." + "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender +answered sternly. + "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." + The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman +at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would +you like?" + "Vinegar and water." +% +It was April the 41st, +Being a quadruple leap year. +I was driving in down-town Atlantis. +My Barracuda was in the shop, +So I was in a rented stingray + -- and it was over-heating. +So, I pulled into a Shell station. +They said I'd blown a seal. +I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private + life out of it, okay pal?" + -- Wet Dreams +% +It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had +gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag +line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. +Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't +they beautiful?" + "Just fair," was the answer. + "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, +asked his opinion. + "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited +about." + "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now +you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" + "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; +I'm a tit mouse myself." +% +It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. +"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful +dream!" + Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again +and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." + Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another +sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your +wife." + "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, +you will!" +% +It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on +their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." + "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been +married three times." + "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, +and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one +of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the +third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it +would be up in 15 minutes. +% +It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday +trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's +knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated +in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. +Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on +the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. + "Tell us a story," begged Mary. + "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping +her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" + "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. +"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." +% +It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up +not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or +written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems +a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was +the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found +myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- +my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing +where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there +was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us +our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an +oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I +would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of +her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese +don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, +because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the +good things in your life. + -- Stephen King, "The Body" +% +It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman +was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking +upperclassman, he inquired, + "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" + "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our +sentences with a preposition." + "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library +is at, asshole?" +% +It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a +huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate +jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to +have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" + A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess +I'll be the Daddy." + "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" +% +It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know +what I mean. + -- David Crosby +% +It's a bitch being butch. +% +It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything +on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. +% +It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. +I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. + -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal + of older women versus younger women +% +"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning +in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so +soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" +% +It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. + -- Joan Rivers +% +It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. +% +It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. +% +It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his +20-year-old son comes in. + + "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda +bums. Whatta you trying to do?" + "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. + "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you +chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" + "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." + "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka +likka that?" + "Papa, we're not Italian." +% +It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. + -- Sean O'Huiginn +% +It's not pretty being easy. +% +It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. +% +It's so fuckin' great to be alive! +% +It's the sighs that count. +% +I've been feeling kind of jealous, +Of all them well-hung fellas, +Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, +Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, +I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. +If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, + They would turn on to my hardon -- + If I only had a cock. +Oh, I can tell you now, +The number of times I'd score, +I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, + I never have before, Living a little mouse-life +And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. +And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry + Life would be a ding-a-derry + If I only had a dong! + -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz +% +I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something +on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights +were more than enough. +% +I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; +and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me +to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the +gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. +The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with +the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight +maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing +weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The +four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge +in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. +Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves +have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled +Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. + Sincerely, + Santa +% +I've finally found the perfect girl, +I couldn't ask for more, +She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, +And owns a liquor store. +% +I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. + -- Lyndon B. Johnson + +Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? + -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a + public toilet during a tour of the Far East +% +Jack an Jill went up the hill. +Jill went down, +Jack came. +% +Jack and Jill went up a hill +To fetch a pail of water. +Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill +And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, + Then went down and told the town + He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. +Jack to Jill thus did such ill +That Jill, to pay the rotter, +Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill +When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. + Half the town deals Jill a frown + And half greets Jack with laughter. +% +Jack and Jill went up the hill +Each had a buck and a quarter. +Jill came down with two and a half -- +And you thought that they went for water. +% +Jack and Jill +Went up the hill, +Each had a buck and a quarter! +Jill came down, +With two and a half, +You think they went for water? +% +Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. +Jack jumped over the candle stick, +And burnt his balls. +% +Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, +Jack jumped over the candle stick. +But Jack wasn't so nimble, +Jack wasn't so quick, +So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! +% +Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! +% +Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time. +% +Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death +and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one +among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." + Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits +Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! +I'm trying to make a point, here!" +% +Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. +% +Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. + -- Michael O'Donohugh +% +Jesus Never Fails + +(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) +% +Jesus Saves! + +(And Esposito scores on the rebound!) +% +Jesus Saves, +Moses Invests, +But only Buddha pays Dividends. +% +Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. +% +Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. + -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". +% +Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were +on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. + "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the +women and children aboard the lifeboats first." + "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. + "Do we have time?" Hart asked. + "Do we have time?" Biden asked. + "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. +% +Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. +% +John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing +his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: + "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on +the women!" +% +Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: + Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull + over to the side of the road. +% +Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get +a prompt, type like hell. +% +Just go with the flow control, roll with the +crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. +% +Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of +blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys +like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky +or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ +came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the +nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get +crucified in the morning. + -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull +% +Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep +are scared and the women are grateful. +% +kasha, n: + Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one + problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? + I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you + much. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: + Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex + for the students, and parking for the faculty. +% +King Louis gave a lesson in class, +One time while enjoying a lass. + When she used the word "Damn" + He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, +Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." +% +Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are +sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As +for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. + -- Margaret Sangor +% +Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, +tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; +take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; +get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. + +Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; +writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; +but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, +that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. + the hip. + +The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, +her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, +then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, +cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. + with him. + -- Kitten With A Whip +% +Knowledge Engineering: + +A combination of: + +Engineering, n: + The application of science and mathematics by which the properties +of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in +structures, machines, products, systems and processes. + +and + +Knowledge, n: + Sexual intercourse. + +See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. +% +Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating +fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of +species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, +or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then +threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre +in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's +most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, +such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before +flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying +raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several +hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of +meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz +went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand +into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily +grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event +left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to +intention movements, that is. + -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science. +% +Kotex, n: + Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. +% +Kumquat, n: + Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and + somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. + Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, + an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment + sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" + during orgasm. + + Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your + partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. +% +Labia majora, n: + The curly gates. +% +Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" +Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" +Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." +Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." +% +lagnaf, n: + Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! +% +Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. +% +"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, +"In a long-distance telephone booth, + I enjoyed the perfection + Of an ideal connection -- +I was screwed, if you must know the truth." +% +Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. +% +lawyer, n: + Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too + closely." +% +Lawyers do it to everyone. +% +Left a good broad by the river, +Traveled back into town just to get some rest! +Waited for 10 hours, +Went back to the river, +But I couldn't get her out of that mess! + +chorus: + Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, + Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, + Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! + +If you're gonna run for office, +And you know that it's an election year. +Don't go in the river, +'Specially by way of bridges, +It could put an end to your political career! +(chorus) + -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" +% +"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black +people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything +to you?" + -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime + Minister Botha of South Africa. +% +Les salons de la ville de Trieste +Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; + Parmi les grandes chaises + On cause des malaises, +Des estropiements, et des pestes. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. +% +Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been +disqualified from entering. + Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" + "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. + "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? +They *must* be wrong!" + "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse +parakeet with black trim." + "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace +replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." +% +LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) + You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with +reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for +employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are +prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. +% +Lick-a-dee-clit! +% +Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. +% +Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. +It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... +% +Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's +in your hand, the next it's up your ass. +% +Life is like a penis: when it's soft you +can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. +% +Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread +you have, the less shit you have to eat. +% +Life is not a cabaret. +It's a fucking circus. +% +Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. +% +Like private parts to the Gods are we, +they play with us for their sport. + -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) +% +Limericks are art forms complex, +Their topics run chiefly to sex. + They usually have virgins, + And masculine urgin's, +And other erotic effects. +% +Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, +Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. +Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, +'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. + -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" +% +Lisp hackers + ... do it in CARS. + ... do it with tail recursion. + ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. + ... have DEFUN while doing it. + ... have to be bound to do it. + ... have Moby dicks. +% +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... +% +Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. +% +Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. +% +LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the +'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The +experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner +cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept +with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." +By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause +for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, +or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along +with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their +eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony +to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the +intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother +told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra +hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next +morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard +the night before. + "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" + "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that +your prayers have been answered." +Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, + "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" + "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." +% +Little Johnny with a grin, +Drank up all of daddy's gin, +Mother said, when he was plastered, +Go to bed, you little love-child. +% +Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the +1950's were uttered by June Cleaver. + "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" +% +Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, +Eating her curds and whey. +Along came a spider, +And bit her right in the snatch. +% +Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, +Eating her curds and whey. +Along came a spider, +Who sat down beside her, +And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" +% +Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, +Her knickers all tattered and torn. +For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, +But Little Boy Blue with his horn! +% +Little Miss Muffet, +Sat on her tuffet, +Smoking some THC. +Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her +And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" +% +Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit +her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. + "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." + "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, +"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" +% +Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. +When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife +raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his +distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only +stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a +black hat and a red neckerchief. + The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian. +He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after +dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but +had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. + One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his +horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, +with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to +this man, his hands resting upon his guns. + "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my +house and rustled my cattle?" + "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. + "You better cut that shit out!" +% +Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. + -- Louis B. Mayer + +The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral +was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +Love comes in spurts. +% +Love comes in spurts. + --Devo, "Please Please" +% +Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. + -- James Thurber +% +Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. +% +Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. +% +Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant +twang of a bedspring. + -- S.J. Perelman +% +Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. + -- Johnny Rotten +% +Love letters no longer they write us, +To their homes they so seldom invite us. + It grieves me to say, + They have learned with dismay, +We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. +% +Luser, n: + Someone who picks up a female + hitch-hiker walking home from a date. +% +Ma Bell runs a baudy house. +% +Macho, adj: + Jogging home from a vasectomy. +% +Male, n: + Life support system for a cock. +% +Man in stall: + Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? +Man at sink: + No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in + any of the other stalls either. +A minute passes. +Man in stall: + Say, buddy? +Man at sink: + Yeah? +Man in stall: + You got change for a ten? +% +Man who dance in crowded ballroom +dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. +% +Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. +% +Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, +Some say not even indecent. +But if you lust, +It's a must! +% +Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. +% +Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but +because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the +satisfaction of his death. + -- Brendan Francis +% +Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would +not have chosen a suit by it. + -- Maurice Chevalier +% +Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the +whole girl. + -- Stephen Leacock +% +Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with +a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. +% +Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God +is a cruel and capricious tyrant. + -- Edward Gibbon +% +Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. +But she can never catch him at it. +% +Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. +% +Many nice things suck. +% +Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff +at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. + -- Billy Carter +% +Marlene wanted Joy to relent, +She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. + If you want to get laid, + Then we'll have to tribade!" +(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) +% +Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. + -- Peter De Vries +% +Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, +you lose interest. + -- Professor Irwin Corey +% +Mary had a little lamb, +It's fleece as white as snow. +It followed her to school one day, +And got fucked by a big black dog. +% +Mary had a little lamb, +She kept it in a bucket. +And every time she let it out, +The bulldog used to +Chase it around the garden. +% +Mary had a little lamb, +The lamb turned out to be a ram, +Now Mary has a little lamb. +% +Mary had a little sheep, +And with the sheep she went to sleep, +The sheep turned out to be a ram, +And Mary had a little lamb. +% +Mary had a little watch; +She swallowed it one day. +And so she took some Ex-Lax +To pass the time away. + +But when she took the Ex-Lax +The time it did not pass. +So when you want to know the time, +Just look up Mary's ... + Uncle, he has a watch, too. +% +Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! + -- James Joyce +% +masturbation, n: + A self-service elevator. +% +masturbation, n: + Coming unscrewed. +% +Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. +% +Mathematicians + ... do it in groups. + ... do it in theory. + ... take it to the limit. +% +Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. +% +Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is +described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. + -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" +% +May a deranged midget on a pogo stick +take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. +% +May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. +% +May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. +% +May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! +% +Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low +opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! +% +McCoy's a seducer galore, +And of virgins he has quite a score. + He tells them, "My dear, + You're the Final Frontier, +Where man never has gone before." +% +McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: + If an item is advertised as "under $50", + you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. +% +McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of +the passengers who were injured. + "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw +the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you +think when you saw this happen ?" + I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run +a railroad." +% +Me father makes book on the corner, +Me mother makes second hand gin, +Me sister makes love for a dollar, +And that's how the money rolls in! + + Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! + (Rolls in!) + Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! + +Me father sells cheap prophylactics, +Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, +Me sister performs the abortions, +And that's how the money rolls in! + +Me uncle's a poor missionary, +He saves fallen women from sin. +He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, +And that's how the money rolls in. +% +Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot +of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people +are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay +for his own drinks. + -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" +% +Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! +% +Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but +they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. +And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised +as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. +% +Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, +Afflicted with psychotic warps. + His idea of fun + Is to bugger a nun, +And then vomit all over the corpse. +% +Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on + ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" + +(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" + +Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" +% +Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave +'em by the curb when you're done. +% +Men have many faults, + Women only two: +Everything they say, + And everything they do! +% +Men will fuck mud. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +menage a trois, n: + Using both hands to masturbate. +% +Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines +also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female +body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and +should not be seen by the light of day. + -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" +% +Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it +has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very +closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing +the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... + + [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important + world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the + next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] + +... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your +cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of +billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more +interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your +skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, +who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice +views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so +much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. + -- Dave Barry +% +Meteorologist, n: + A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. +% +Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which +the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets +with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: + +Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. +Mickey : Oh? +Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. +Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was + fuckin' Goofy. +% +Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his +wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. +% +"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's +testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" + -- Ripping Yarns +% +Missed the train at the railway station +Oh hell, blast, and damnation! +Asked a lady in there if she had the time, +She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. +% +Missionary position: + The missionary on top. +% +Mistress Mary, quite contrary, +How does your garden grow? +With silver bells and cockle shells, +And one really fucked-up petunia. +% +Mistress, n: + Something between a mister and a mattress. +% +mixed emotions: + Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... + in your brand new Mercedes. +% +Montana: + Where men are men and women are sheep. +% +Moody bitch in search of... + kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. +% +Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, +good-looking guy to dump on. +% +Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few +blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane +tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. +His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing +the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind +her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. + "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here +for breakfast tomorrow." +% +Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss +out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. +% +Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. +% +Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. + -- Frank Zappa +% +Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity +to be otherwise. + -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" +% +Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. +% +Motto of the Electrical Engineer: + Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: + it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. +% +Moustache rides, 50 cents. +% +Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! +% +Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one +problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him +time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him +that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of +his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just +couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. + Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot +had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just +took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. + That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it +started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front +door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano +tonight. Now, don't you dare move." + Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, +and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. +Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they +arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to +the door. + Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you +chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" +% +Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; +Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. + When he's under the weather + They can't get together, +So others get into her box. +% +Murphy's Discovery: + Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk + to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and + everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine + months later, you're in trouble! +% +Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism +fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really +understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after +being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, +they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful +things to them for their own good. This is so ME." + -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: + "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat + of AIDS, book reveals" +% +My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer +dahlias. + -- William Allen White +% +My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. +He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. +% +My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him +in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was +Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. + -- T. Bywater +% +My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my +family, it seems, begins where yours left off. + -- Alexandre Dumas +% +My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. +% +My godda bless, never I see sucha people. + -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale +% +My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall +and they stick. + -- Johnny Bob +% +My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! + -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint +% +My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. + -- Friday +% +My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife +came home early from work and found us in bed together. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret +vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without +quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, +paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? + -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine + Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent + corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing + masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and + that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a + cannonball on the stomach. +% +My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I +want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want +to screw again as long as I live. + -- Erica Jong +% +My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. +% +My travel agent's an Oxford chap +Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. +I asked him about the Isle of Man +For a journey of about six weeks. +And this is what he said to me +As he looked me right in the eye, +"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip +Of Elephant Shit On Rye." + +A brand-new store just opened its door +At the corner of 5th and Vine +And I happened to be standing right outside +When they turned on their neon sign. +I heard a strange sound, I looked around, +And that's when I almost died, +They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town +To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! +% +`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava +I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. + The ship was all white + But it creaked in the night, +And the band, they did not know la java." + -- Edward Gorey +% +`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava +I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. + The ship was all white + But it creaked in the night, +And the band, they did not know la java." + -- Edward Gorey +% +My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. +She's up to three packs a day. + -- Rodney Dangerfield +% +My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. + -- Howard Stern +% +Naeser's Law: + You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. +% +Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire +naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly +sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. + -- Lewis Carroll +% +Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: + "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." +% +Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... +seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. +% +National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. +% +navel, n: + A place to stash your gum on the way down. +% +Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. +Watch who you sleep with. +% +necrophelia, n: + Dead boring. + +incest, n: + Relatively boring. +% +necrophilia, n: + Dropping in for a cold one. +% +Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? +Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. +% +Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! +% +Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. + -- Gordon Cooper +% +"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" +"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." +% +Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. +% +NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: + "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on +a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her +promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of +our "Big John" doll.) +% +New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". +% +New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; +it's the asshole of the universe. + -- Jonathan Michael Smith +% +New York: + Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. +% +Newlywed groom: + Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. + You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, + and weekends. I'm sorry. +Newlywed bride: + I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. +Groom: + Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow + through... +% +Newsflash: + Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally +predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest +of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. + Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from +expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out +to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive +than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, +living in Stenton, North Dakota. +% +Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. +Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. + -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) +% +Nice computers don't go down. +% +Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. +% +Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: + 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat + so the lid won't stay up. + 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. + 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." + 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." + 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, + demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. + 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, + or speculate about your next one. + 7: A taco will never make a scene because + there are other tacos in the refrigerator. + 8: It's easy to drop a taco. + 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. +% +Ninety percent of everything is crap. + -- Theodore Sturgeon +% +No matter how clever the hardware boys +are, the software boys piss it away. +% +No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". + -- Greg Bear +% +Non Illegitemus Carborundum. + [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] +% +Not everyone has a one-track mind. + -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk +% +Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. + -- Woody Allen +% +nothing, adj: + A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. +% +Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient +tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed +Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What +can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out +of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become +a doctor, that's why we killed him. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle +Who said with a wink and a smile, + "Sure, please stick it in, + Be it thick be it thin, +But if's rough I won't do as a file." +% +Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- +bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers +have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence +of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, +"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, +"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved +by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements, +you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and +promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. + -- D. Adams +% +Now what would they do if I just sailed away? +Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? +Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, +What would they do if I made no landfall?" + -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" +% +Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and +occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up +with this in response to one... + + Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. + When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was + bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't + meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more + comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this + morning and screwed the daylights out of me. + + "Just think," said + + Nurse Jones, + "... that was four + hours ago and + my sperm count + is probably *still* + higher than yours." +% +Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... +% +Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. + -- Joseph Pulitzer +% +Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but +their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes +because it's obscene. +% +Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. +% +Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. +% +Oden the bardling averred +His muse was the bum of a bird, + And his Lesbian wife + Would finger his fife +While Fisherwood waited as third. +% +Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly +exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the +author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," +"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy +Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to +an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save +himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: + + "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate +ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding +-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, +spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... +There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, +sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." +% +Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. +The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. +% +Of his face she thought not very much, +But then, at the very first touch, + Her attitude shifted -- + He was terribly gifted +At frigging and fucking and such. +% +Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. +% +Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, +Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, +Where never is heard, a discouraging word, +And the call-girls keep callin' for me! +% +Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, +That got run over with my mower. +One leg is missing, and one other is gone, +The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. +It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, +It landed by the kitchen door. +Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, +that ain't gonna walk no more... + -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover. +% +Oh John, let's not park here. +Oh John, let's not park. +Oh John, let's not. +Oh John, let's. +Oh John. +Oh. +% +Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! +Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, + The poor wench doth stammer, + "I need a sledgehammer +To pound a man into my vent." +% +Oh pity the prince, Montezuma +He tried to make love to a puma. + Seems the puma, in play, + Tore his testes away - +- An example of animal huma. +% +Oh pity the prince, Montezuma +He tried to make love to a puma. + Seems the puma, in play, + Tore his testes away -- +An example of animal huma. +% +Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. + -- Don Herold +% +OLD FELLA RED CLARET + Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" + +An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old +and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to +prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the +slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. +Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste +buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings +with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads +gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. +In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people +who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). + +It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 + +Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. + Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. +% +Old King Cole was a merry old soul, +A merry old soul was he. +He called for his pipe, +And he called for his drums, +And he fiddled with his call girls three. +% +Old King Cole +Was a merry old soul, +A merry old soul was he! +He called for his pipe, +And he called for his bowl, +And he fiddled with his call girls three! +% +Old McDonald had a farm, +E-I-E-I-O! +And on this farm he had some chicks, +E-I-E-I-O! +With a chick-chick here, +And a chick-chick there, +Here a chick, +There a chick, +Everywhere a chick-chick, +Old McDonald lost his farm +'Cause he had too many chicks! +% +Old McDonald had a farm, +E-I-E-I-O +And on this farm he had some chicks, +E-I-E-I-O +With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, +Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, +Old McDonald lost his farm, +'Cause he had too many chicks. +% +Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. +% +Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, +She had so many children, +She didn't know what to do. +So she moved to Atlanta. +% +Old Mother Hubbard, +Went to the cubbard, +To get her poor doggie a bone. + +But when she stooped over, +Old Rover, he drove her. +You see, he had a bone of his own. +% +Olmstead's Law: + After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. +% +On a cannibal isle near Malaysia +Lives a lady they call Anastasia. + Not russian elite- + She's eager to eat +Whatever or whoever lays her. +% +On a ship wrecked far out at sea, +The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." + "Aha!" said the mate, + "That settles the fate +Of the captain, the pilot, and me." +% +On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw +herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. +The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he +went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find +a man making love to the corpse. + "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, +that woman is dead!" + "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. +"I thought she was an American!" +% +On Brassieres: + Russian: Uplifts the masses. + Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. + American: Makes mountains out of molehills. +% +On day a Monterey daughter +Did scuba down under the water. + She later turned up + The mom of a pup, +And they say t'was a otter that gotter. +% +On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into +Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse +on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was +apprehended. + Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." + Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." + Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" + Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." +At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his +bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he +says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' +chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell +me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" + Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the + money is right now, he will kill you here." + Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden + under the big tree at the pass!" + Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." +% +On the breast of a lady named Gail, +Was tattooed the price of her tail. + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +Was the same information -- in Braille. +% +On the breasts of a harlot from Yale +Was tatooed the price of her tail + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +Was the same information in Braille. +% +On the porch of a dude named Horatio, +His girl got a yen for fellatio. + As she sucked on his dingus + He tried cunnilingus +But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. +% +Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to +eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me +only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you +better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady +and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. +The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna +fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I +wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you +sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona +my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go +to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say +you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man +at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I +gonna back to Italy. +% +Once a woman has given you her heart you +can never get rid of the rest of her. + -- Vanbrugh +% +Once a young gay from Khartoum, +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +% +Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell +for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group +as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first +group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new +group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They +exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was +very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I +had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. +Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. +That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group +and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and +all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel +the way I do. + -- J. Feiffer +% +Once upon a girl there was a time... +% +Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his +two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to +observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came +running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the +white cow!" + The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's +alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is +going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just +say that the bull "surprised" the cow." + Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little +while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny +came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" + The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I +know, the bull surprised the brown cow." + Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" +% +Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and +made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer +wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. +"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic +and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, +bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among +his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. +It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and +began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this +rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, +however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next +morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in +the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure +enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer +shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told +you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head +toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to +the birds above. "I think they're coming down." +% +Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One +fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked +cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When +she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who +jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes +down." + So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, +you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" +% +Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to +fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, +the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. +After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to +earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this +little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure +warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow +began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the +chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, +he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. +There are three morals to this story: +1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. +2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. +3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. +% +Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and +somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around +on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious +enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, + "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right +time comes, I am going to be that one." +A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they +knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly +and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. +All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with +all his might. + "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" +% +Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, +and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big +coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" + The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been +sleeping in my bed!" + And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" +% +Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of +us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the +smaller prime numbers. + +2: The Odd Prime -- + It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. +3: The True Prime -- + Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." +31: The Arbitrary Prime -- + Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in + case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received + the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. + However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. +41: The Female Prime -- + The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is + prime for integer values from 1 to 40. +43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. + +Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities +are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd +but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. +% +Once was a hooker named Gail, +Busted and sent-off to jail, + She liked the jailer, + He wanted to nail her, +So Gail made bail with her tail. +% +Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, +the rest of life is that much easier. +% +Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. +% +One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the +boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. +Finally the office boy was brought in. + "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been +playing around with my secretary?" + "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything +like that, sir." + "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." +% +One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped +into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited +to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, +he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, +the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car +and approached the farmer. + "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" + Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' +in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house +that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's +mah wife's idea." +% +One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really +a polar bear?" + "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at +the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the +ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're +a polar bear. Why do you ask?" + "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" +% +One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an +anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, +he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. +Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, +threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. +The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. + Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when +he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating +the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. +"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you +with my car once, remember?" + "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just +lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there +in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on +the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. + "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes +to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." +% +One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all +the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that +they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special +place an reported to God what he'd noticed. + God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me +to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I +will create your mate." + So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell +asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his +ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering +the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. +Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. + "God?" + "Yes, Adam, what now?" + "God, what's a headache?" +% +One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an +enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue +eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable +little dog. + What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, +he asked, "Child, what is your name?" + "Blossom," she replied. + "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your +parents come to choose such a pretty name?" + "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying +under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She +thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my +name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. + How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and +walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he +inquired. + "Porky," was the child's reply. + Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. + "Because he likes to fuck pigs." +% +"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most +gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she +said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I +guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my +analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the +problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... +I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect +stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac +and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, +'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" + -- Stephen Wright +% +One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot +tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; +to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow +of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer +orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, +the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take +care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink +all your beer and spit it in my face?" + "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie +and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most +beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. +% +One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police +officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and +thacramento ith?" + The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. + The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more +attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man +walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, +"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, + "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" +% +One evening a guru had coitus +With an actress, a whore and a poetess. + When asked what position + He used for coition, +He answered serenely, "the loetus." +% +One evening a guru had coitus +With an actress, a whore and a poetess. + When asked what position + He used for coition, +He answered serenely, "the lotus." +% +One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need +to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped +his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and +bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend +Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to +call a doctor. + "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor +gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of +the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not +much hope." + Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and +cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" + "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." +% +One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. +One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. +% +One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. +% +One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke +and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever +seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw +another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of +wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me +like that, I was only the bridesmaid." +% +One night a girl had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + His enormous red whang + Gave her a wonderful bang -- +She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. +% +One night a girl had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + Then she picked up his hat + And realized that +She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. +% +One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity +to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. + "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, +put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, +Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" + "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" + -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" +% +One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives +accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable +testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to +all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they +enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, + "What trip?" +% +One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to +compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. +% +One of the most expensive things in life +is a girl who is free for the evening. +% +One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create +goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. +He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the +following Sunday. + "9:30 okay?" + "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." +The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played +left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. +George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes +late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he +played right-handed and beat them again. + "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. + "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." + Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might +be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed +*or* right-handed." + "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm +superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play +right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." + "What if she's lying on her back?" + George said, "That's when I'm late." +% +One should be cherry of virgins. +% +One, two, three, four +What are we fighting for? +Don't ask me I don't give a damn. +Next stop is Vietnam. +Five, six, seven, eight +Open up the pearly gates. +Ain't no time to wonder why +Whoopie! We're all going to die. + -- Country Joe and the Fish +% +One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know +his ass from a hole in the ground! +% +Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! +% +Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. +% +Operators mount anything! +% +Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, +but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. + -- Hal Hickman +% +OPTIMIST: + A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. +% +ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: + The word "No". +% +oral sex, n: + The taste of things to come. +% +O'Riordan's Theorem: + Brains x Beauty = Constant. + +Purmal's Corollary: + As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, + availability goes to zero. +% +Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you +cash them in. +% +Ouch mosquito, silent by night, +Why pierce my skin, so white? +You grow plump, as a leech. +Stop! I beseech (in vein). + +I have no choice. +Why waste my voice, +When only a slap will do? +Ouch, I am bitten! +What ho, you are smitten! +Yo mosquito, fuck you. + -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" +% +Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really +quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. +% +Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the +maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out +in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty +good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know +for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging +over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for +three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in +their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving +an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without +ever considering whether there were men on base. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, +Has invented a new kind of car. + With a tank full of shit + There's no stopping it -- +For short trips, two poots take you far. +% +Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum +possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case +of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good +baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for +sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over +from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three +seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their +souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an +infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without +ever considering whether there were men on base. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum +possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in +case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a +pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no +way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male +comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been +on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust +her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between +catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would +elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there +were men on base. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, +In all of the directions it can whiz; +As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, +Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. +So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, +How amazingly unlikely is your birth; +And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, +'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! + -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" +% +Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, + "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, +and I will lead you to the promised land." + Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on +your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." + Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising +the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. +% +Painters do it with even strokes. +% +Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously +mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. +% +Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to +bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. +% +Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. +% +Pee-wee Recommends: + +When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, +the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: + + + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream + + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah + + Tiger Shark, starring Raven +% +penis envy, n: + The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. +% +People humiliating a salami! +% +People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. +% +People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. + -- Peter Sellers +% +Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put +on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on +a pedestal the better to view her legs. + -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" +% +Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer +Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" + She declined and declined + Till approached from behind... +When her summer turned out quite a bummer! +% +Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. +% +philadelphia flying fuck, n: + Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms + of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring + him orally. + + [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if + you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, + Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] +% +Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. + -- Karl Marx +% +Physicists do it with charm. +% +Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when +he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. +% +pile driver, n: + Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. +% +Planned Parenthood: + The emission Control Center. +% +Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, +He announced as he folded with flair, + "I had four of a kind, + But those aces combined, +Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." +% +PLUNDERER'S THEME + (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) + +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. +Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +% +pocket pool, n: + Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. + For women, it's playing the slots. +% +polish fly, n: + You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. +% +Politicians do it to everyone. +% +Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. + +'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with +a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the +hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long +practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even +as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her +above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful +queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles +are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert +them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can +induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist +is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising +that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has +nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis +Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. + At her first sight of one + She started to run, +And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. +% +Posterity will ne'er survey +A nobler grave than this; +Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; +Stop, traveler, and piss. + -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh +% +Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. +Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. +Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. +% +Pour guerir un acces de fievre +Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; + Il le prit a son trou, + Et fit faire un ragout +Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, +Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and +I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit +it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." + "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me +give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn +all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell +your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the +bottom window." + "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. + "Just whistle." + "Whistle?" + "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear +you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." +% +Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. +% +Pregnancy begins with a single sell. +% +premature ejaculation, n: + A spoilspurt. +% +premature ejaculator, n: + Troubled shooter. +% +Premenstrual Syndrome: + Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. +% +Prince Absalom lay with his sister +And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, + But the kid was so tight, + And it was deep night -- +Though he shot at the target, he missed her. +% +Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. +% +Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to +the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked +in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a +picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" + -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. +% +Procrastinators do it tomorrow. +% +Programmers do it bit by bit. +% +Programmers do it until it goes down. +% +Programmers get overlaid. +% +PROMOTION: + New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. +% +Prope mare erat tubulator +Qui virginem ingrediebatur. + Dessine ingressus + Audivi progressus: +Est mihi inquit tubulator. +% +Prostitution is the only business where you +can go into the hole and still come out ahead. +% +Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. +Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. +% +Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They +both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't +make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks +out the door. +% +pubic hair, n: + Organic dental floss. +% +Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, +And frollicked in the Autumn mist, +And drank Manishiewitz wine. +Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, +And brought him soup and Matzah balls, +And other kosher stuff. + +Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. +Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. +Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, +That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. +% +Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? +A: He's the only one with a duck. + +Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? +A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. + +Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? +A: The duck wins! +% +Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? +A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. +% +Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? +A: He spent the night in a warehouse. +% +Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. +A: Real men don't care. +% +Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? +A: Give her a couple of test tickles. +% +Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? +A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. +% +Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? +A: She has a mouthful of feathers. +% +Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? +A: By the stiff upper lip. +% +Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? +A: Who cares? +% +Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? +A: She answered the iron. + +Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? +A: They called back. +% +Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? +A: Cusinart. + +Q: How do you get them back out? +A: Doritos. +% +Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? +A: Propose. +% +Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? +A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. + +Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? +A: No -- so it must work pretty well! + +Q: How did Tarzan die? +A: Picking cherries!!! +% +Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? +A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. +% +Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? +A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. +% +Q: How do you make a dead baby float? +A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. +% +Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? +A: Kick it over to Van Ness. +% +Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? +A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck + by lightning first. +% +Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in + your backyard? +A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. +% +Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, + or an airline stewardess? +A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." + A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over + and over again until we get it right." + An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and + nose and breathe normally." + +... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." +... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" +... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" +... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" +% +Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? +A: When his cock tastes like shit. +% +Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? +A: It isn't hard. +% +Q: How does a mink get babies? +A: The same way babies get minks. +% +Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? + +A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of + speech, but under the United States constitution they are + guaranteed freedom after speech. + + -- being told in Poland, 1987 +% +Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? +A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. +% +Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Three, but they're really only one. +% +Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! + +Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? +A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! +% +Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students + does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my + advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he + can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the + credit for answering this incredibly vital question." +% +Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light + bulb, in San Fransisco? +A: Both of them. +% +Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was + without a man. +% +Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, + what would Cheetah have been? +A: A fur coat. +% +Q: What can you use used tampons for? +A: Tea bags for vampires. +% +Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? +A: Play dumb until the second coming. +% +Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? +A: Your bicycle. +% +Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? +A: They both like a tight seal. +% +Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? +A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases + of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. + +Q: Why do elephants have trunks? +A: Sheep don't have strings. +% +Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? +A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. +% +Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? +A: Trustworthy. +% +Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? +A: A transistor. +% +Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? +A: Toys for twats. +% +Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet + of garden hose? +A: Darling. + [Often? Ed.] +% +Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? +A: Parents. +% +Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? +A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! +% +Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? +A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. +% +Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? +A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. +% +Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? +A: A computer that won't go down. +% +Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? +A: Your last blowjob. +% +Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? +A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! +% +Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? +A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every + once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to + your eyes... +% +Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a + moth ball in the other hand? +A: One hell of a big moth! +% +Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? +A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! +% +Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? +A: Will the defendant please rise? +% +Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? +A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the + Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take + the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. +% +Q: What goes + Click. "Did I get it?" + Click. "Did I get it?" + Click. "Did I get it?" + Click. "Did I get it?" +A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. +% +Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? +A: A frog in a blender. + +Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? +A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. +% +Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? +A: Baby in a blender. + +Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? +A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. +% +Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? +A: Boy Scouts. +% +Q: What is Smoorplay? +A: What Smurfs do before they smuck! +% +Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? +A: Snowballs! +% +Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? +A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. +% +Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? +A: Dating a Canadian. +% +Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through + revolving doors? +A: A nun with a javelin through her head. +% +Q: What's black and white and red all over? +A: Half a nun. +% +Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? +A: A corpse. +% +Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? +A: Chewing gum. +% +Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? +A: Bunny farts. +% +Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? +A: The guy that gave it to him. +% +Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? +A: The guy he got it from. +% +Q: What's red and covered with little dents? +A: Snow White's cherry. +% +Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? +A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! + +Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they + are removable! + +Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his + very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? +A: Yes, up to isomorphism! + +Q: What is a compact city? +A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted + policemen! + -- Peter Lax +% +Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman + pinscher humping your leg? +A: You let the doberman finish. +% +Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? +A: About four drinks. +% +Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? +A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". + War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". + + [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the + office a little late, tonight... Ed.] +% +Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? +A: About 10 pounds. + +Q: How do you make them the same? +A: Force feed the elephant. +% +Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? +A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. +% +Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? +A: The weekend never comes too soon. +% +Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? +A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. +% +Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? +A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use + the whole bird... +% +Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon + and Ronald Reagan? +A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the + difference. +% +Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? +A: It stays dark all night. +% +Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? +A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd + like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, + "and some cigarettes." +% +Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when + he hits your windshield? +A: His ass. + +Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's + mind when he hits your windshield? +A. Oh, SHIT!! +% +Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? +A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. +% +Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? +A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! +% +Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? +A: To the batpoles, Robin! +% +Q: Where does virgin wool come from? +A: Ugly sheep. +% +Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? +A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. +% +Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? +A: They're just pussy substitutes! +% +Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? +A: Because she's dead. +% +Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? +A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! +% +Q: Why did God invent booze? +A: So ugly men could get laid too. +% +Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? +A: She'd never been taught to say no. +% +Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? +A: To impress Jodie Foster. +% +Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary + Jo Kopechne drowned? +A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? +% +Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? +A: Because they can. +% +Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? +A: To stamp out forest firest. + +Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? +A: To stamp out flaming ducks. +% +Q: Why do men die before their wives? +A: They want to. +% +Q: Why do men marry women? +A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. +% +Q: Why do mice have such small balls? +A: Very few of them know how to dance! +% +Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? +A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. + -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger +% +Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? +A: So they can dress like pimps. +% +Q: Why do women have vaginas? +A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. +% +Q: Why do women love Pacman? +A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. +% +Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? +A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. +% +Q: Why don't blind people skydive? +A: It scares the dogs! + +Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? +A: The leash goes slack. +% +Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? +A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. +% +Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? + +A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in + Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever + you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. + + -- being told in Poland, 1987 +% +Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? +A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and + gang-rejected her. +% +Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? +A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! + Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" +% +Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? + +A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. +A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. +A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. +A4: People with PMS get sympathy. +A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. +% +Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? +A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. +% +Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? +A: Age. +% +Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? +A: The taste. +% +Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? +A: About three inches. +% +Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? +A: He couldn't help it. + +Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? +A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. +% +Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? +A: 'Cause they can! + +(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) +% +Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? +A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. + +Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? +A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! +% +QOTD: + "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of + Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming + and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one + who has that dream?" +% +QOTD: + "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" +% +QOTD: + "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" + -- Joan of Arc +% +QOTD: + "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." +% +QOTD: + "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different + ticket." +% +QOTD: + "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." +% +QOTD: + "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." +% +QOTD: + I get girls because of who I am... a rapist. +% +QOTD: + I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm + grip. He's a lucky man. +% +QOTD: + "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." +% +QOTD: + I own my own body, but I share. +% +QOTD: + "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." +% +QOTD: + "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every + time it rained." +% +QOTD: + "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." +% +QOTD: + I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself + a pair of velcro gloves. +% +QOTD: + "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of + the guy who screwed her last." +% +QOTD: + "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in + her shadow!" +% +QOTD: + "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play + golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!" +% +QOTD: + It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of + cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' + -- Richard Sexton +% +QOTD: + "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten + who gets tied up." +% +QOTD: + "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" +% +QOTD: + Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're + going to put that thing *where*?" +% +QOTD: + My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when + you stick those little prongs into it. + -- Mark-Jason Dominus +% +QOTD: + No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear. +% +QOTD: + "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay + and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve." +% +QOTD: + Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself. +% +QOTD: + She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. + Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!! +% +QOTD: + "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." +% +QOTD: + Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work + and the others are more than willing to watch them. +% +QOTD: + "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark + all night." +% +QOTD: + "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for + a few good men!" +% +QOTD: + "The only real difference between men and women is that men are + crabby all month long." +% +QOTD: + "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes + Poster Girl." +% +QOTD: + "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, + happy women." +% +QOTD: + "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." +% +QOTD: + "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady + over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken + glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" +% +QOTD: + "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. + Then get the fuck out." +% +QOTD: + "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." +% +quickie, n: + A moment's piece. +% +quickie, n: + No sooner spread than done. +% +QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight +equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in +structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully +grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis +in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the +symptoms of a qwert. + -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. +% +Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. +Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! +% +randel, n: + A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an + apology for farting at a friend. + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & + Preposterous Words +% +Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 +Bo Derek: 35-24-36 +Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 +Bette Middler: 37-25-36 +Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 +Jane Russell: 39-27-38 +Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 +Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 +% +Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number +of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. +% +Reach out and fuck someone. +% +Readers Ask: + Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? + +Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is +usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If +a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is +possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much +of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, +driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill +it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than +puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be +avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, +and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. +Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires +more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver +through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the +sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with +holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will +do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the +urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad +(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But +you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. +% +real buddy, n: + Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back + and give you one. +% +real class, adj: + When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." +% +Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. +% +Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers +Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars +Reds and peyote to work out your bugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout +Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out +Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys +Users of heroin, often called junkies +Methadone helps then to stop being thugs +Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. + + On a bad trip + When the cops come + When I lose my head + I simply take more of my favorite drugs + And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! + -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" +% +Reformed, n: + A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. +% +rejection, n: + When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. +% +Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. +% +Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. + -- Frank Zappa +% +Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, +champagne is the best tenderizer. +% +Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only +sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's +changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow +out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking +pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with +the other. + -- Jules Feiffer +% +Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. + "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. + "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw +someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best +blow job in the world!' on the wall." + "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, +we get jerks in here like anywhere else." + "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the +phone number!" +% +Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. +Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. +% +rodeo fuck, n: + When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're + the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on + for seven seconds... +% +Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. +% +Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, +With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. +The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, +So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. +Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, +With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. +Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, +They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. + Roland the Thompson gunner... +His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, +But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. +So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, +That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. + Roland the headless Thompson gunner... +Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. +He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, +Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, +But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. +The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, +Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. +In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, +Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. + -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" +% +ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. +MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide + as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. +% +Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. +"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. +"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," + replies Rosenberg. +"Why the barbers?" +"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." +% +Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. +% +Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. +% +rugby, n: + A sport requiring leather balls. +% +Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered +two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. +% +Runners do it alone. +% +Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, +"The men like to spread my two legs, + Then slip in between, + If you know what I mean, +And leave me the white of their eggs." +% +Said a decadent wench of Bombay : +"This has been a most wonderful day. + Three cherry tarts, + At least twenty farts, +Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." +% +Said a girl who upon her divan +Was attacked by a virile young man: + "Such excess of passion + Is quite out of fashion" +And she fractured his wrist with her fan. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : +"What care I for this shortage of gum? + My favorite chew + Is a condom or two, +With a goodly amount of fresh come." +% +Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, +"My favorite sport is coitus." + But a fullback from State, + Made her period late, +And now she has athlete's fetus. +% +Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, +When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, + "You must seize it, and squeeze it, + And tease it, and please it, +For Rome wasn't built in a day." +% +Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; +Of all the girls that I've had, + None gave me the thrill + Of real rapture until +I learned how to be a tribade." +% +Said a madam named Mamie La Farge +To a sailor just off of a barge, + "We have one girl that's dead, + With a hole in her head-- +Of course there's a slight extra charge." +% +Said a modest young miss to de Sade, +I'm simply too shy and afraid + To take part in your pranks. + But to show you my thanks, +I'd just love to become your first aide. +% +Said a pornographistic young poet +"Although I perhaps do not show it, + My interest in sin + Is wearing quite thin, +And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." +% +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with!" +% +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with." +% +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with!" +% +Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : +"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." + Uhura said, "No, + At night that's not so-- +He doesn't withdraw for an hour." +% +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem rabelaisian: + Let v be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let p be a constant persuasion; + +Let p over p be inverted +With the square root of mu inserted + N times into v ... + The result, Q E D, +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +% +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: + Let V be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let P be a constant persuasion; + +"Let V over P be inverted +With the square root of Mu inserted + N times into V ... + The result, Q.E.D., +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +% +Said Francesca, "My lack of volition +Is leading me straight to perdition; + But I haven't the strength + To go to the length +Of making an act of contrition." + -- Edward Gorey +% +Said President Jobcock one day : +"War's better than love, I should say. + Instead of a virgin, + It's murder I'm urgin'-- +You get lots more blood that-a-way." +% +Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : +"Only infidel dogs put it in. + Back home in Arabia + We nibble the labia +Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." +% +Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, +In a cunt halfway up to his ears : + "This nautch is delicious, + And without doubt nutritious. +She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" +% +Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, +"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" + I replied with some wit, + "Do you belch when you shit?" +I think that was one up for me. +% +Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, +"This must be our final adieu, + For the vicar is slicker, + And thicker, and quicker, +And two inches longer than you." +% +Saint Peteer was once heard to boast +That he'd had all the heavenly host : + The Father and Son, + And then - just for fun - +The hole in the Holy Ghost. +% +Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty +immensely profitable years in the construction business. + "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have +constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but +am I known as Sam the Builder? No. + And over the years I have contributed literally millions of +dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called +Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! + But suck one little cock..." +% +San Francisco: + A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces + there. +% +San Francisco is my kind of city, +Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. +% +Save a forest - eat a beaver! +% +Save a mouse, eat a pussy! +% +Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! +% +Save the whales. Club a seal instead. +% +Says an airlining wanton named Vi: +"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. + To a muffer's delight, + I'll take head on a flight, +So the guy can have pie in the sky." +% +schnuffel, n.: + A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed + company. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided +her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." +% +Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the +ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. + -- Edgar Berman +% +SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. +If you desire fluency in the French tongue, +this cunning linguist can lick your problem. + +Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 +% +Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing +the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. + "What are you here for?" he asks. + "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, +and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, +but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." + "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" + "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going +to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." + "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. + Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. + "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" + "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. + "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" + "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so +I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen +wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't +resist it!" admitted the dog. + "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" + "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" +% +Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three +were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with +the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost +again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I +know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, +so they too will know that I understand Your laws." + It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his +plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once +and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other +three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. + So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am +right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." + This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form +one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from +the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted +the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not +be explained by natural causes. + The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when +just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and +a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" + The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips +and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" +% +Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously +pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's +a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks +her what that means. + "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" + "Yeah..." + "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." + "Yeah..." + "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and +then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." + "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" +% +Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and +asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job +imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. +% +Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil +he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments +cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and +more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please +believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. +Could we maybe talk?" + The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, +the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man +starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, +I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes +there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" + Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun +in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, +much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if +she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again +and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would +have to be the "back door". + As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; +panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying +you on the bus yesterday. + Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm +actually the bus driver." +% +Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their +symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits +production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of +security while they're being screwed. +% +Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. + -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 +% +SEMINARS: + From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. +% +Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would + notify you if the record has pornographics material or + material glorifying violence?" +Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." +Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on + the album cover is good indication that it's not for little + Johnny." + + -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock + lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 +% +Send lawyers, guns, and money, +The shit has hit the fan. + -- Warren Zevon +% +Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. + -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 +% +Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed +in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen +Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have +any." +% +Sex and drugs and UNIX. +% +Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. +You can do each while thinking about the other. +% +Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. + -- Sophia Loren +% +Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment. +% +Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. +% +Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. +% +Sex is great, +Sex is grand, +Sex around here, +Is mostly by hand. +% +Sex is just one damp thing after another. +% +Sex is like a bridge game -- +If you have a good hand no partner is needed. +% +Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! +% +Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. +% +Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. +% +Sex is the poor man's opera. + -- G.B. Shaw +% +Sex is what women have and men want. +% +Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. +% +SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! + details at 11! +% +Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the +temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at +the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's +a joke about that: + +A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a +service, + "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" +The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, + "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" +The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, + "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" +The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, + "Look who thinks he's nobody!" +% +Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. +Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. +Let your pal be your guide. +And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, + or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, + 'cause it digs up your hat, + or has sex with your cat, + sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, + and you get to the point you can't stand any more. +Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. +We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". +% +She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass +If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You +I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave +It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley +If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart +If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again +I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave +It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul +My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him +Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load +I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You + -- proposed Country-Western song titles +% +She asked me if I loved her still. +"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." +% +She begged and she pleaded for more. +I said, "We've already had four, + And I'm sure that you've heard, + Though it's somewhat absurd, +That eros spelt backwards is sore." +% +She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic +candidates for president. + -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", + on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis +% +She made a thing of soft leather, +And topped off the end with a feather. + When she poked it inside her + She took off like a glider, +And gave up her lover forever. +% +She never liked zippers, she said, +Until she opened one in bed. +% +She stood there and peeled off her clothes, +And begged for a bang : goodness knows + I am surely impure + And I sizzled to scrure, +But the push had gone out of my hose. +% +She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. +% +She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, +When the chain on her motorcycle broke, + Now she's lying in the grass, + With the muffler up her ass, +And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. +% +She was only: + a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. + a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. + a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. + a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. + a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. + a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. + a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. +% +She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." +Not because, when she came in, he kr., + But she knew, just before + She opened the door, +This same Mr. had kr. sr. +% +She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth +Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and +unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back +and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put +her on the top step. + "How dare you?" she demanded. + "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the +second time I thought we'd become good friends." +% +She wasn't what one could call pretty +And other girls offered her pity, + So nobody guessed + That her Wasserman test +Involved half the men in the city. +% +She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. +% +She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: +1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put +Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum + Him: Wondering which word would + best describe her breasts + to the guys + +1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes +Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" + will go all the way + +1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries +Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg + warmers and a leather + face mask + +1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia +Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass + San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- + point before she passed away + -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 +% +She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. +% +Shit happens. +% +Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a +totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you +know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE +says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? +He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed +with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home +to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! +% +Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. +% +Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! +I'm agog with excitement today! + And the reason of course, + A reliable source, +Said the snow blower's heading this way!" +% +Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love +together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms +to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it +isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +Sighed a neat little package named Annie : +"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, + Plus the yen, but the men + Only call now and then-- +Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" +% +Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. +% +Sixteen'll get you twenty. +% +Size counts. +% +small, adj: + Is it in yet? +% +Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. +% +Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? +% +Snow White: + "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... + but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! +% +"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, +"Come on, take it out, and let's play." + He pulled it on out, + But she started to pout, +His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. +% +So, good night, you moonlit ladies, +Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. +Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, +Won't you let me go down in my dreams? +And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. + -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" +% +So here was this fellow of Strensall +Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, + Anemic, 'tis true, + But an interesting screw, +Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. +% +So, how's your love life? +Still holding your own? +% +So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, +which one would you pick? +% +So it's ai yi yi yi, +Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! +So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, +And waltz me around by my willie! + + There once was a man from Nantucket! + Whose cock was so long he could suck it! + He said with a grin, + As he wiped off his chin, + If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! + +So it's ai yi yi yi, +Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! +So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, +And waltz me around by my willie! + + There once was a young man from Boston! + Who drove around town in an Austin! + There was room for his ass, + And a gallon of gas, + So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! +% +So it's ai yi yi yi, +Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! +So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, +And waltz me around by my willie! + + There once was a man from Racine! + Who invented a screwing machine! + Both concave and convex, + It could please either sex, + But, oh, what a bastard to clean! + +So it's ai yi yi yi, +Your girlfriend douches with Drano! +So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, +And waltz me around by my willie! + + One night a girl had an affair! + With a fellow all covered with hair! + His enormous red whang, + Gave her a wonderful bang -- + She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! +% +So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the +lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation +has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week +and we've got no money left for food." + "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. + "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. +You're going to have to go out and hustle." + "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" + "It's the only way," he said. +Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came +staggering in early the next morning. + "How did you do?" asked the husband. + "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." + "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" + "Everybody," she said. +% +So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our +standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when +I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just +about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's +breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate +shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit +than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's +Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. + -- Dave Barry +% +So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. + "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two +Polacks who --" + "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." +The salesman thought for a moment. + "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." +% +So you fucked up... you trusted us! + -- Animal House +% +So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", +and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? +% +Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. +% +Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, +Father, why do these words sound so nasty? + -- Hair +% +Sodomy is a pain in the ass. +% +SOFTWARE: + Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. +% +Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, +and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. +% +Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, +Drank up several bottles of sherry; + In the Yard around three + They were shrieking with glee: +"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" + -- Edward Gorey +% +Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, +unassisted. + -- Wilson Mizner +% +Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians +fucked the buffalo. +% +Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. +% +Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. +% +Some women are like musical glasses. +To keep them in tune they must be wet. + -- Samuel Coleridge +% +Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. + -- Noel Coward +% +Something better... + +13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? +14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to + perch on. +15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? +16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. +17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? +18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you + leave. +19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. +20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. +21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? +22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! +23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the + coffee ... in Brazil. +24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth + capped. +25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? + -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" +% +Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have +a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." + -- George Carlin +% +Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." + -- Risky Business +% +Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. + -- Little Richard +% +SPINSTER: + Unlusted number. +% +Starkle, starkle, little twink, +Who the hell you are I think +I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep +I'm just a little slort of sheep. +Tee martoonis make a guy, +Feel so woozy, I don't know why. +So mass the pixer and kill my fup +I've all day sober to sunday up. +% +Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. +% +Statisticians probably do it. +% +Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! +% +Stockmayer's Theorem: + If it looks easy, it's tough. + If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. +% +STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: + Bust truster. +% +stress, n: + The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's + desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who + desperately needs it. +% +subpoena, n: + From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ + or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." +% +Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. +% +Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. + -- James P. Hogan +% +successful cunnilingus: + When you wake up the next morning with a face like a + frosted doughnut. +% +SUGAR DADDY: + A man who can afford to raise cain. +% +Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! +Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. +% +Sure banking is Biblical! + +How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? +Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a +little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the +Banks of the Jordan! +% +Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People +know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. +% +swallow, v: + The (blew) bird of birth control. +% +Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. +% +Take a look around you, tell me what you see, +A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. +If you can get close enough to look into her eyes +There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. + And you're fair game, + You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, + Just relax, enjoy the ride. +Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, +But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. +'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. +The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. + (chorus) +The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. +She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. +Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, +And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. + (chorus) + -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" +% +Taoism: Shit Happens. +Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens". +Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. +Hinduism: This shit has happened before. +Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. +Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. +Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? +% +TAXIDERMIST: + A man who mounts animals. +% +Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque +sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, +it's time to spend a night in town. +% +tear leather: + To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore + his leather jerkin' off." +% +tearing off a quicky: + Gunning the jump. +% +Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! +% +Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! +% +Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them +in five minutes with a pistol. + -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" +% +Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've +got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. +If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for +life." + Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked +to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. + "My God, what happened to you?" + "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile +on his bloodied lips. + "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But +what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" + "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was +*pissed*." +% +Tequila my girl, is deceiving: +Take two at the very most. +Take three and you're under the table, +Take four and you're under the host. +% +Test makers do it: + A: sometimes + B: always + C: never + D: none of the above. +% +TEXAN: + A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. +% +Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, +She obliges all who accost her. + She welcomes the prick + Of Tom, Harry or Dick, +Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. +% +That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. +% +That Harvard don down at El Djim -- +Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, + With the whole harem randy, + The sheik himself handy, +To muss up a young camel's quim. +% +That naughty old Sappho of Greece +Said: "What I prefer to a piece + Is to have my pudenda + Rubbed hard by the enda +The little pink nose of my niece." +% +That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan +pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When +he got back, he was a husky fucker. +% +The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules +of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, +began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at +nine. Candles out at ten." +% +The acrobats - Tom and Louise- +Do an act in the nude on their knees. + They crawl down the aisle + While screwing dog-style, +As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." +% +The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the +home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, +when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- +law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, +the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my +slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove +my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. + Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man +and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let +me catch you wearing my things again." +% +The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, +Fell into the water baptismal; + Ere they'd gathered its plight, + It had sunk out of sight, +For the depth of the font was abysmal. + -- Edward Gorey +% +The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : +They have kept me awake for a week. + Why do newlyweds + Select squeaky beds +To develop their fucking technique? +% +The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. +% +The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. +Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. + -- Dumas +% +The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that +sex for money usually costs a lot less. + -- Brendan Francis +% +The bishop of Alexandretta +Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. + So he thought he'd enshrine her + As the Holy Vagina +In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. +% +The blacksmith told me before he died, +And I have no reason to believe that he lied, +That no matter how he tried, +His wife was never satisfied! + +And so he built a bloody great wheel, +Harnessed to a cock of steel, +Two balls of brass were filled with cream, +And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. + +Round and round went the bloody great wheel, +In and out went the cock of steel, +Till at last the maiden cried, +"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" + +And now we come to the crucial bit -- +There was no way of stopping it. +And she was split from hole to hole, +And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... +% +The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as +they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, + "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have +any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" + "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot +fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." +% +The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. + -- Sidney J. Hurtubise +% +The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. +They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said +there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. + One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said +to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" + Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, +"You must mean _faux_pas_." + "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." + Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French +phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came +for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the +roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite +a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together +and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner +table. Remember all that, Ed?" + "Yeh." + "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass +the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy +bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all +over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, +'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" + "Yeh." + "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." +% +The bustard's a remarkable fowl +With surely no reason to growl + He escapes what would be + Illegitimacy +By the grace of a fortunate vowel. +% +The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? +% +The computer is the ultimate polluter: +Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. +% +The country girl who became a city madam +has obviously gone from rags to rigids. +% +The cruelest of creatures' the crab +With claws that can pinch you or stab, + And then when you dine + On crab and white wine +It gets you as well with the tab. +% +The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that +the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. +% +The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball +is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. +% +The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". +% +The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men +went down on the Titanic. +% +The difference between like and love is the +same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. +% +The difference between this school and a cactus plant +is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. +% +The difference between women and girls +is as much as twenty years in some states. +% +The Dowager Duchess of Spout +Collapsed at the height of a rout; + She found strength to say + As they bore her away: +"I should never have taken the trout." + -- Edward Gorey +% +The early worm gets the bird. +% +The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the +text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". +% +The Enterprise crew when off work +Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. + Uhura the Zulu + Is shcked up with Sulu, +And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. +% +The Enterprise girls, so one hears, +Have chased Spock for several years. + His look of disdain + Has spared them great pain, +For his prick is as sharp as his ears. +% +The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil +out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. + -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 +% +The fearless old bishop of Brest +Put his faith in the Lord to the test. + He fucked whores in the apse + With chancres and claps, +But first they were sprinkled and blessed. +% +The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley +Came to light with its face in its belly; + Her second was born + With a hump and a horn, +And her third was as shapeles as jelly. + -- Edward Gorey +% +The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into +the bedroom. + -- Richard Lewis +% +The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, +black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the +fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered +a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley +and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a +garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. + "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. + "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on +top panted. + "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" +the captain yelled. + "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. +% +The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! + -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. + -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. + -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. + -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. + -- You have drinks with William Holden. + -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. +% +The fucking ain't worth the fighting. +% +The genital area of Ann +Will accommodate any size man, + From the wee that cause titters + To the mighty twat-splitters +That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. +% +The girls that go to see a man's etchings +may not know art, but they know what they like. +% +The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured +their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. +He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this +particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the +doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. +"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before +marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to +woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" + The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, +"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the +phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that +hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the +woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep +in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." + The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," +he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." +% +The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. +% +The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. + -- Truman Capote +% +The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. +These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the +results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be +kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first +put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well +pleases. + -- Sir Josiah Stamp +% +The greatest lies of all time: + (1) I love you. + (2) This won't hurt a bit. + (3) The Mercedes is paid for. + (4) The check is in the mail. + (5) I was just going to call you. + (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. + (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. + (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. + (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. + (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. +% +The Grecians were famed for fine art, +And buildings and stonework so smart. + They distinguished with poise + The men from the boys, +And used crowbars to keep them apart. +% +The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: + +-- The morning after note reads: + Whiting, Barbara: + I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute + I wanted to byte your ear. +-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. +-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. +-- The last straw: + Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new + program and shows up an hour late. + + You Don't...: + Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. + You Do...: + Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily + indicate a malfunction. +% +The harder they come, the more important it is to have +an extra-firm mattress. +% +The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the +outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately +the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions +occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for +mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. + -- John Hughes, National Lampoon +% +The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. +% +The hope that springs eternal +Springs right up your behind. + -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" +% +The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a +particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. + "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but +was it you I made love to in the library last night?" + His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what +time?" +% +The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him +and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his +lovemaking. + "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he +was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- +even if it's right inside the front door." + At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the +husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" +the consultant asked. + "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still +sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went +absolutely wild!" +% +The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a +day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, +however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his +bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what +had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. + "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," +the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. + An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. +"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph +in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" +% +The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No +Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to +pull it out at the last minute. + -- Not the Nine O'Clock News +% +The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite +two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each +other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full +account of the wedding night's progress. + "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince +entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my +honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' +And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. +% +The King named Oedipus Rex +Who started this fuss about sex + Put the world to great pains + By the spots and the stains +Which he made on his mother's pubex. +% +The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard +To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, + And cried, "Oh, my dear, + I am coming, I fear, +But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." +% +The kings of Peru were the Incas, +Who were known far and wide as great drincas. + They worshipped the sun + And had lots of fun, +But the peasants all thought they were stincas. +% +The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) +is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small +town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 +gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a +majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts +soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court +has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our +anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws +has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time +resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't +want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and +said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his +wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. +Fact is, I rather like it." +% +The lights are on, +but you're not home; +Your will +is not your own; +Your heart sweats, +Your teeth grind; +Another kiss +and you'll be mine... + +You like to think that you're immune to the stuff +(Oh Yeah!) +It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; +You know you're gonna have to face it, +You're addicted to love!" + -- Robert Palmer +% +The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what +they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. + That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were +making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you +a baby brother." + "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a +puppy." +% +The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package +containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor +were delivered in a welter of tears. + "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't +see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... +(blubber,blubber)!" + "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, +"and would you care to have them mounted?" + "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." +% +The long-peckered Bey of Algiers +Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. + A demon for semen, + This buffersome he-man +Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. +% +The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she +whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you +were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant +exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke +a certain awful recognition. + -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" +% +The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She +is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. + -- Norton +% +The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all +the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. + -- Rabbi Meir Kahane +% +The mind is its own place, and in itself +Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. +What matter where, if I be still the same, +And what I should be, all but less than he +Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least +We shall be free; the almighty hath not built +Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; +Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, +To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: +Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. + -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 +% +The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. +% +The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. +% +The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" +% +The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive +jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. +% +The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was +"Are you sure you're not a cop?" + -- Larry Brown +% +The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is +that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. +% +The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their +virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which +you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to +stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the +man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into +your eyes - or just by staring into space. + -- Marilyn Monroe +% +The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two +adopted children. + -- Paul Ehrlich +% +The moving finger having writ... gestures. +% +The moyel who treated young Alec +Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. + Presented the child + His aim was so wild +He rendered the poor boy biphallic. +% +The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on +their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. + "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at +the dinner table." + Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair +and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a +hint of a smile. + "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." + "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you +be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" +% +The new cinematic emporium +Is not just a super-sensorium, + But a highly effectual + Heterosexual +Mutual masturbatorium. +% +The new local cinematorium +Is not only a super sensorium, + But a highly effectual + Heterosexual +Mutual masturbatorium. +% +The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could +hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor +replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water +pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest +returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. + + 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. + 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. + 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. + 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". + 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, + "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" + 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his + Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". + 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. + 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred + to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". + 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. + 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a + Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling + Contest at St. Taffy's. +% +The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb +to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately +upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the +barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I +want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the +roost with my blessings." + The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only +a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again +took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after +me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, +ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the +henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. + The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. +Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, +weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to +overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster +maintained a formidable lead. + Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the +dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. + "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy +from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." +% +The nipples of Sarah Sarong +When excited are twelve inches long + This embarassed her lover + Who was pained to discover +She expected no less of his dong +% +The notorious Duchess of Peels +Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. + Said she, "Would you mind? -- + Shove one up my behind. +I am anxious to know how it feels." +% +The office brown-noser named Bunky +Would claim he was nobody's flunky. + But when the chips were all down, + His proboscis was brown, +And there hung many strands which were gunky. +% +The old archeologist, Throstle, +Discovered a marvelous fossil. + He knew from its bend + And the knot on the end, +T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. +% +The once was a man from Bombay +Who modeled his cunts out of clay + So hot was his prick + That he turned them to brick +And rubbed all his foreskin away. +% +The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is +that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. +% +The only difference between your girlfriend +and a barracuda is the nailpolish. +% +The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. + -- Stendhal +% +The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is +that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. +% +The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. + -- Mike O'Dell +% +The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common +lamp-post. + -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" +% +The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in +bed with a dead girl or a live boy. + -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor +% +The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to +her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +The only way you'll ever hear from +me is if you're living in the same hell. + -- Roy Harper +% +The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the +catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, +guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. +The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of +her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right +hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at +once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette +to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs +of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. +% +The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. +% +The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. + "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" + "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. +"What IS your name?" +% +The partition of Vavasour Scowles +Was a sickener: they came on his bowels + In a firkin; his brain + Was found clogging a drain, +And his toes were inside of some towels. + -- Edward Gorey +% +The penis mightier than the sword. +% +the perfect worman: + Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest + your drink. + + [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] +% +The pleasure is momentary, +The position ridiculous, +The expense damnable. + -- Chesterfield, on sex +% +The pleasure is transitory, the cost +prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. + -- Disraeli, on sex +% +The plural of spouse is spice. + -- R.A. Heinlein +% +The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman +who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private +secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had +been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. + "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a +twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his +private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings +and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the +third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me +into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet +and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. +I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it +for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten +dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." +% +The poor little doe +Crawled out of the woods, +Tired, bedraggled and blue. +"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, +I should have asked for two!" +% +The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops +for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think +of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" + "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. + "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" +% +The prick of the engineer, Scott, +Fell off from Saturnian rot. + He went to the basement + And made a replacement +Of tungsten and plastic and snot. +% +The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two +one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. +He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he +noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and +as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, + "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two +singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" + Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I +wanted to go downtown for a blow job." + The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do +that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." + When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. +Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, +you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. +What is a blow job?" + Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." +% +The problem with being best man at a wedding +is that you never get a chance to prove it. +% +The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a +Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, +how is Brown going to get to Washington? +% +The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. + -- Thomas Carlyle +% +The quality of a blow-job is determined by the +length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. +% +The randy old Bey of Algiers +Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, + Tried a cunt for a change, + And remarked : "It felt strange ... +Just think what I've missed all these years!" +% +The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have +to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. +% +The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. +% +The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because +they can't masturbate. +% +The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the +rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. +% +The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. +% +The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher +Called a girl a most elegant creature. + So she laid on her back + And, exposing her crack, +Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" +% +The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher +Called a hen a most elegant creature. + The hen, pleased with that, + Laid an egg in his hat -- +And thus did the hen reward Beecher. + -- Oliver Wendell Holmes +% +The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. +% +The rich man uses vaseline, + The poor man uses lard; +The worker uses axle grease + But gets it twice as hard. +% +The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was +certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. + "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. + "There certainly is," she agreed. + "Some really bright stars in the sky." + She nodded. + "Some dew on the grass." + "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." +% +The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the +community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. +% +The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a +dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... + "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" +% +The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. + -- Diana Rigg +% +The sex life of spiders is very interesting. +He fucks her. +She bites his head off. + -- From a Women's Lib Poster +% +The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar +on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd +survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely +woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind +her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public +toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. + -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" +% +The Shah of the Empire of Persia +Lay for days in a sexual merger. + When the nautch asked the Shah, + "Won't you ever withdraw?" +He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." +% +The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his +doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing +the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing +psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he +felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, +and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he +inquired. + The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having +supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It +was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the +dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's +just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." +% +The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray +At breakfast with horrid dismay, + So he launched off the spoons + The pits from his prunes +At their heads as they neared the buffet. + -- Edward Gorey +% +The skater, Barbara Ann Scott +Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, + That when posed on her toes + She elaborately shows +Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. +% +The spouse of a pretty young thing +Came home from the wars in the spring. + He was lame but he came + With his dame like a flame -- +A discharge is a wondeful thing. +% +The star of that X-rated hit +Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. + This serves as a palace + For each turgid phallus-- +Some say that the plot is pure shit. +% +The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. +% +The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it +like that of wrestling with a fine woman. + -- Lord Halifax +% +The Sultan was peeved with his harem, +And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. + He caught a big mouse + Which he loosed in the house. +(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). +% +The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, +And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, +To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting +And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. + +My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully +With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, +I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window +Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. + -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith +% +"The testes are cooler outside," +Said the doc to the curious bride, + "For the semen must no + Get too fucking hot, +And the bag fans your bum on the ride." +% +"The testes are cooler outside," +Said the doc to the curious bride, + "For the semen must not + Get too fucking hot, +And the bag fans your bum on the ride." +% +The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. +% +The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. +% +The three sexual positions during preganancy. + +During the first four months: Missionary style +During the second four months: Doggie style +And during the last month: Coyote style + +Coyote style? + You sit by the hole and howl. +% +The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. +% +The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner +threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with +farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved +back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers +jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the +blaze under control. + The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they +gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the +driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. + "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, +"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" +% +The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. +% +The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They +were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut +off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. +Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, +he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly +flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. +He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, +called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." +% +The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took +great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. +This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. +The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, +ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, + "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" +The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, + "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" +% +The two things that you should never lend out are your car +or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. +% +The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really +like going to church. +% +The Utah version of this joke goes: + One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' +office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important +that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" + The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is +in the lobby!!" + The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The +prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" + The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... +black, and SHE IS PISSED!" +% +The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important +shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared +to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many +customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat +next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and +coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled +herself for a few moments and then snapped, + "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." + "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." +% +The voters have spoken, the bastards... +% +The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. +% +The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a +hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily +accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. + "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden +said. + "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The +youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. +"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against +nature. The bully!" + "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." + "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same +evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on +Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." +% +The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the +absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. + -- Havelock Ellis +% +The wife of young Richard of Limerick +Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, + Still grows in diameter + Each time that you ram at her; +How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" +% +The woman who lives on the moon +Is still cherishing the balloon + Of an earthling who'd come + And given her some, +But had dribbled away all too soon. +% +The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great +deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. + -- Balzac +% +The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in +almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have +attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in +silly puns about "standing erect". +% +The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter +Is not merely reading a meter. + By orders of Kirk + A part of his work +Is dosing the food with saltpeter. +% +The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. +% +The world is so full of a number of things, +I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. + I'll tell you a story-- + It won't take me long-- +Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. + +There was an old fellow and what do you think? +He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. + He whacked it, he hacked it, + He ate it with glee- +Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? + +This charming old chap had a sister as well : +She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. + Her cunt was so dirty + It stank like a beast, +And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. + +What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! +I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. + Their odor and diet + Won't soon be forgotton, +And one day you and I may be equally rotten. +% +The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her +first visit home since starting college. + "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity +last weekend." + "I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner +or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." + "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight +guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." +% +The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the +woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in +his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. + "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" + "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't +stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." +% +Then there was the girl who was engaged +to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. +% +Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or +swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. +% +Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting +for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. +% +Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. +After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged +for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he +went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on +well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American +dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so +they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the +nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous +babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. + "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got +for your lousy fifty bucks." +% +Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a +brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They +caught him when he came back for the brick. +% +There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. +% +There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, +there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, +there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, +I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. + +I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, +And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. +And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, +They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. + +You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, +You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. +You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for +You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. +...Because... + +Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, +spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. +but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, +semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. + -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" +% +There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. +% +There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of +a bitch, you ate five of them. + -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for + cannibalism in 1874. +% +There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them +are having to take turns. + -- T.K. +% +There are some things we mustn't expose, +So we hide them away in our clothes. + Oh, it's shocking to stare + At what's certainly there-- +But why this is so, heaven knows. +% +There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The +president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so +competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little +test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their +desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests +in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the +promotion? The one with the big tits! +% +There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. +% +There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day +they notice a sapling half-way between them. + One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" + "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. + "A son of a BEECH!" + "A son of a BIRCH!" + "Son of a beech!" + "Son of a birch!" + +The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what +kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and +the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a +beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. + "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash +I've had my pecker in for a long time!" +% +There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a +woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. +% +There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- +the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. +% +There is a young faggot named Mose +Who insists that you fuck his long nose. + And you'll double the joy + Of this lecherous boy +If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. +% +There is a young lady named Aird, +Whose bottom is always kept bared. + When asked why she pouts, + She says "The Boy Scouts, +All beg me to please Be Prepared!" +% +There is nothing as overrated as a bad +lay, or as underrated as a great shit. +% +There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. +Boring your friends about it is the sin. + -- Mama Liz +% +There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass +And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. +Where seagulls flew over their nest. +She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. +And caused her to tickle and itch. +The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. +A sittin' out there on the rocks." +The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. +And crowded four deep to the rail. +All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. +... +"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. +And soon we will certainly find +If mermaids are better before or be... brave +My dear fellows," The captain cried out. +And cursing with spleen. +This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. + -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt +% +There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, +glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the +man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it +and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the +front page before discarding it?" + The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." + "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." + "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will +be on the front page." + -- Attributed to FDR. +% +There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the +driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" + He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." + And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty +discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same +question. + The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." + And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was +downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive +lady, and she asked the same question. + He answered: "I'm a Republican." + And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." + They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her +skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take +it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been +a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" +% +There was a young tenor named Springer, +Got his testicles caught in a wringer. + He hollered in pain, + As they rolled down the drain, +"There goes my career as a singer!" +% +There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, +rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", +or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing +the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. + One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry +tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, +feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, +but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to +participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not +in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." + Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom +and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living +room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing +some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small +load!" +% +There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- +brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to +follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such +good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the +corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the +assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes +and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them +the following pitch. + "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand +of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" + At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream +in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" + The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a +toothbrush?" +% +There was something about her I liked, +but I couldn't put my finger on it. +% +There were the Scots +Who kept the Sabbath +And everything else they could lay their hands on. +Then there were the Welsh +Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. +Thirdly there were the Irish +Who never knew what they wanted +But were willing to fight for it anyway. +Lastly there were the English +Who considered themselves a self-made nation +Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. +% +There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me +a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? + -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" +% +There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and +treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your +soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's +not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What +limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star +in their own movie, let alone direct it. + -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle +% +There's a vas deferens between men and women. +% +There's amnesia in a hangknot, +And comfort in the ax, +But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. + There's surcease in a gunshot, + And sleep that comes from racks, + But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. +You find rest on the hot squat, +Or gas can give you pax, +But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. + There's refuge in the church lot + When you tire of facing facts, + And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. +Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, + Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- + But the pleasantest place to find your end + Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. + -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" +% +There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. + Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. + Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. + Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. +% +There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? +A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. + -- Billy Joel +% +There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. + -- David Mairowitz +% +They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. + -- Gallagher +% +They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the +lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- +light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. +She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the +barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her +thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent +she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his +father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, +uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness, +spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and +again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His +mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. +"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes +burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. + "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" +% +This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. +Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and + took my Russian watch. +Desk Sergeant: Come again? +Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and + took my Russian watch. +DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who + would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who + knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? +Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. +% +This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women +stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, +looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a +stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly +desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a +one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he +decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, +and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the +steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. + "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" + From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when +the shit hit the fan?" +% +This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are +really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells +him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks +the patient a week later. + "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the +good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." +% +This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two +-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' +other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja +git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." + "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. + "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" + "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up +to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all +stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' +all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? +She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" + "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff +explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" + "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does +me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." +% +This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: + +Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." +Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" +M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." +T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." +M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." +T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." + +The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank +manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. + +Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" +M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." +Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request + that you not use abusive language to our tellers." +M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to + open a fuckin' savings account!" +Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" +% +This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. +"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds +himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide +except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, + "Do you always jog in the nude?" + "Yes ma'am!" he replies. + "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. + "Yes ma'am!" he replies. + "Do you always wear a condom?" + "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." +% +This here's the wattle +The emblem of our land +You can stick it in a bottle +Or you can hold it in your hand. + -- Monty Python +% +This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He +obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks +and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging +off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an +affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging +on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its +tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. + "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. + "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. + "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" + "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. +% +This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. +If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! +% +This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. +% +This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. +So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. + + Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, + Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; + Di-dah di-dah di-dah? + Di-dah di-dah di-dah. + Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. +% +This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would +stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, +the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be +with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it +off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his +mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. +During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's +prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his +prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." +Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening +weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to +bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the +news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series +of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month +later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't +be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was +going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake +and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing +a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying +dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. +% +This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. +% +This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. +% +THORNY: + A thailor at thea. +% +Thou shalt not omit adultery. +% +Thought: + Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! +% +Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at +the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one +of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, +had to break the news to his wife. + They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her +poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her +tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" + "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take +a piss." +% +Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would +be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending +over in their tight pants. + "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little +costumes, and think of the holds." + "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be +pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper +right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys +rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, +`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" +% +Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and +a bowl of Wheaties. + -- Richard Pryor +% +Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, +and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and +women will take a little longer. + -- Spiro Agnew +% +Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, +however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except +for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. + So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes +on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it +never rains when you have your laundry out?" + "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out +my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's +going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know +it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" + "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. + "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." +% +Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the +better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was +going to test their ability at situation reasoning. + "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft +alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several +sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid +the problem?" + "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and +flee," said the first girl. + "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded +the second woman. + "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, +but I fail to see the problem." +% +three-bag ugly, adj: + That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your + head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep + it from howling. + +four-bag ugly, adj: + When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. +% +Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. +You seriously consider the job because it gives you: + + 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. + 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. + 3: Free blood. + 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at + all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. +% +Tim and I a hunting went +We found three damsels in a tent, +As they were three, and we were two, +I bucked one and Timbuktu. + -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" +% +'Tis the dream of each programmer, +Before his life is done, +To write three lines of APL, +And make the damn things run. +% +To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. +% +To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. +% +To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and +then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you +to leave her, you've got to annoy her. + -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" +% +Today is gonna be one helluva week! +% +Todays title: + Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships +% +Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang. + -- An American astronaut +% +tourist, n: + A pretty girl in Oklahoma. +% +Tourist to New Yorker: + "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I + just go fuck myself?" +% +transvestite, n: + Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. +% +Tri Delts; everyone else has. +% +TRUST: + Two cannibals having oral sex. +% +trust me: + Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse + she rode in on." +% +T-shirt of the Day: + Head for the Mountains + -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer + +Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): + If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! + -- courtesy someone else +% +T-shirt of the Day: + + See Dick Drink... + See Dick Drive... + See Dick Die. + DON'T BE A DICK. +% +T-shirt of the Week: + I'm not excited, I'm cold! +% +'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod +Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! +All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that +And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! + Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun +He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" +Long time the cool young stuff he + sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, +So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, +And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled + And doffed her miniskirt. +One, two! One, two! And through + and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? +The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! +He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" +And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. + +'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod +Did groove and trip out at the pad: +All whimsy were the slamming chicks, +And the Radcliffe undergrad. +% +Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but +twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. + -- Wilde +% +Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. +The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other +side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold +watch. + The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what +they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and +so they trade. + That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him +looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. + The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta +you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" + "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day +you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta +you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" +% +Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. + "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. + "No, old man, what about him?" + "Last seen in Africa, you know." + "No, I didn't." + "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." + "Queer." + "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." +% +Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them +whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed +like hours. + "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward +the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel +and went back to where his companion was waiting. + "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife +and the other's my mistress!" + "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back +before reaching the green. + "What's wrong?" Bill asked. + "Small world, isn't it?" +% +Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - + +Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she +had been doing, she committed suicide. + +Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they +had been doing, they buried her. + +Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they +had been doing, they dug her back up. +% +Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One +boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" + "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" + "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the +alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. +Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came +to work. I feel like a bull!" + His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have +to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his +wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off +to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love +again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third +time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late +for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When +he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. + "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've +never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" + "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes +that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." +% +Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd +lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could +do that." + The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you +ought to get to know him a little first." +% +Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother +Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse +me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" + Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget +nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply +was no. + The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' +your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at +all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. + At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand +on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" +% +Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from +church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the +nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother +superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her +strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not +what he does!" + To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" +% +Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other +that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love +with her. + The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old +as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and +make love to your wife?" + The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make +love every day." + "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" + "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. + The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself +pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby +bakery. + Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock +of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want +all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it +will get hard?" + "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" +% +Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital +were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that +went along these lines: + (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" + (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" +and this continued for quite sometime. + Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is +'womb'" and trotted off. + (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." + (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, +let alone heard one fart underwater." +% +Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a +hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden +leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their +injuries. + "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant +vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with +a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put +on. How did you lose your leg?" + "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a +terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" + "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. + "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all +these years, does it?" + "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; +a seagull shit in my eye." + "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why +you would *lose* the eye..." + "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." +% +Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat +in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" +one asked his companion. + "I don't know." + "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat +American foods." + So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat +them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over +at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" +% +Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that +cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" + "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, +I must admit, we've had some problems." + "Problems? What's wrong?" + "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he +wants to shove his fist up my ass." +% +Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily +disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young +men remarked to his friend, + "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being +good for a man's virility?" + "Yes, why?" the friend replied. + "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a +dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." +% +Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass +S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; + "La vie religieuse, "The religious life + C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," +Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a +bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. +% +Unfair animal names: + +-- tsetse fly -- bullhead +-- booby -- duck-billed platypus +-- sapsucker -- Clarence + -- Gary Larson +% +Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". +% +Unix programmers do it with pipes. +% +Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting +on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd +had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow +man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. + "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my +wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." + "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to +muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her +back." + "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. + "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you +love her," sympathized the executive. + "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm +thirsty again." +% +U.S. of A.: + "Don't speak to the bus driver." +Germany: + "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." +England: + "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." +Scotland: + "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" +Italy: + "Don't answer the driver." +% +Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: + +AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. + Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. + +FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. + I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down + on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. + +SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. + I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. +% +Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: + +AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. + It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to + travel in the trunk of your car. + +FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO +GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. + If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital + appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my + country in public. + +KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. + I will tell you the names and addresses of + many American spies traveling as reporters. +% +Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: + +MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. + It is with greatest pleasure that I sign + this confession of capital crimes. + +MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. + The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. + +TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. + The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. + I must have the recipe. + +ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE +DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. + Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed + self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. +% +USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- +massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and +a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least +expect it. + -- Gene Spafford +% +User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. +Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to +upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte +sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should +be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is +looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as +well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files +permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software +is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before +completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... +especially if special features and options are utilized. +% +vagina, n: + The box a penis comes in. +% +vaginal lubricant, n: + A slitty slicker. +% +Vandalism On The Upswing! + Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the + front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred + dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional + wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. +% +Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. +% +Vd, n: + The gift that keeps on giving. +% +Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the +ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. +Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, +it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open +to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. + -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" +% +Vidi, vici, veni. +(I saw, I conquered, I came.) +% +Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her +back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep +with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put +an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. +You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with +less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and +you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't +know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure +for both. + -- The Joy of Sex +% +virgin, n: + An ugly third grader. +% +Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, +which takes but one prick to break. + -- Jordan Sand +% +VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) + Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and + assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People + will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the + paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. +% +Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a +divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." + What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge +in unusual sex practices?" + "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little +queer." +% +VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? +% +W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... + but you sure as hell can see it from there! +% +Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. +% +War is menstruation envy. +% +Was it you that did the pushin', +Left the stains upon the cushion, +The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? +Was it you, you little pecker, +That got into my Rebecca, +If you did, you'd better leave this town! + +Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', +Left the stains upon the cushion, +Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. +But since I stuck your daughter, +I've had trouble passin' water, +So I guess we're kind of even all around! +% +wasp, n: + Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. +% +Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) +% +Watching girls go passing by +It ain't the latest thing +I'm just standing in a doorway +I'm just trying to make some sense +Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves +The tales they tell of men Remember what I said +I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady +I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend +... +Don't need a whore +Don't need no booze +Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts +But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth +I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady + I'm just waiting on a friend + I'm just waiting on a friend + -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" +% +Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. + -- W.C. Fields +% +We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything +we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain +inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and +when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's +only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your +Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, +he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die +and stink to Heaven. + -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson +% +We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb +your cities. + -- Robin Williams +% +We are upping our standards ... so up yours. + -- Pat Paulsen for President +% +We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. + -- Hugh Romney +% +We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, +Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. +Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, +And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. + +Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. + +Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, +Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. +Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, +(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! + +Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! + -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" +% +We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. +% +We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! + -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" +% +We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. + -- James Watt, noted ecologist +% +We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs +with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, +and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to +fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's +called civilization and its discontents. + -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" +% +We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free +his hands for masturbation. + -- Lily Tomlin +% +We must! We must! +We must increase our bust! +The bigger the better! +The tighter the sweater! +And the boys will think more of us! +% +We sailed on the good ship Venus, +My God, you should have seen us + With a figurehead + Of a whore in bed +And the mast an upright penis + +The captain of the lugger +Was known as a filthy bugger + Declared unfit + To shovel shit +From one ship to another + +The first mate's name was Cooper, +By god he was a trooper + He jerked and jerked + Until he worked +Himself into a stupor + +The cabin boy was chipper, +A dandy little nipper + He shoved cracked glass + Inside his ass +And circumcised the skipper + +The captain's wife was Charlotte, +Born and bred a harlot + Her thighs at night + Were lily white +By morning they were scarlet + +The captain's youngest daughter +Slipped into the water + Her plaintive squeals + Announced that eels +Had found her sexual quarter + +The ship's dog's name was Rover, +They turned the poor beast over + And ground and ground + That faithful hound +From Tenerief to Dover +% +We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. + -- Groucho Marx +% +We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, +Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, +I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, +And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! +(chorus) (chorus) + +In the church of Aphrodite, +The priestess wears a see through nightie, +She's a mighty righteous sightie, +And she's good enough for me! +(chorus) + +CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + 'Cause it's good enough for me! +% +Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! +We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! +There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, +Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. +Come inside, the show's about to start, +Guaranteed to blow your head apart. +Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, +Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! +You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! +You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! + -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) +% +Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! + Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known + banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop + us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that + your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice + and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You + have two days to reach us at: + + Fortune Blackmail + Behind the hot water pipes, + Third stall from the end, + Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. +% +Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! + This is the first of a series of revelations which could + add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible + criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. + So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: + 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. + 2: What you were doing. + 3: The names of the three people involved. + 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. + 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. +% +Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're +not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself +up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're +always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class +joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap +y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some +provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, +y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, +mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not +too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, +"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that +romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself +up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little +something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back +records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the +morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way +around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way +around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird +about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda +spend a little time with myself. + -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" +% +Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse +By all of the lads in his class + He said, with a yawn, + "Now the novelty's gone +And it's only a pain in the ass." +% +Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? + -- Martha Mitchell +% +Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, +Excitable boy, they all said! +And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, +Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) + +He took in the 4am show at the Clark, +Excitable boy, they all said! +And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, +Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) + +He took little Susie to the junior prom, +Excitable boy, they all said! +And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, +Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) + +After ten long years they let him out of the home, +Excitable boy, they all said! +And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, +Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) + -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" +% +Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, +I hope they comin' for me! +And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, +I hope they doin' it for free! +They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! +First time that I got it I was just ten years old, +Got it from the kitty next door... +I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, +I think I got it some more! +Got a bad scratch fever... + -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" +% +"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, +"And told my wife to try it on top. + She bounced for an hour, + Till she ran out of power, +And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." +% +Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? +They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. +They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, +I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. + +Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, +No bras left, just a queer over there. +But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; +I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. + +My baby's not a sports fan, +But she plays with balls whenever she can. +'Cause her favorite sport you see, +Is playing tonsil hockey. +[chorus] + Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; + Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. + Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; + Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. + -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" +% +Well, I'd left home just a week before, +And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, +But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, +And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' +Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, +But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. +La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. + -- The Kinks +% +Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke +down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to +find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find +a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of +beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen +and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman +rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware +that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." + "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to +be Frank!" +% +"Well, madam," the bishop declared, +While the vicar just mumbled and stared, + "'Twere better, perhaps, + In the crypt or the apse, +Because sex in the nave must be shared." +% +Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her +back to the wall. + -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems + +Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. + -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems +% +Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and +she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked +her twice and slapped her. +% +Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had +my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely +you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! +% +Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly +backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will +experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, +though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about +your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. +So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but +that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, +or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to +distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb +tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for +awhile. +% +Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick +a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. + -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 +% +Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile +and not very much of a bird. + -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a + zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it + "very much like people". +% +Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and +a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out +and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, +did the same. + The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister +hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after +thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end +of the tail pipe. +% +We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk +philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. +% +Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms +of a chambermaid as a duchess. + -- Dr. Johnson +% +wet dream, n: + Overnight sensation. +% +We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but +divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night +but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the +poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering +"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" +% +"We've got things well in hand." + -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. +% +We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the +various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According +to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and +3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. +% +What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how +she would look without them. + -- Brendan Francis +% +What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, +I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but +my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. +% +What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? + "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." + +Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... +% +What do hookers do on their nights off, type? + -- Elayn Boosler +% +What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? +An incurable romantic. +% +What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more +sex than you are. + -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", + by N. Mackwood +% +What the fuck, over? +% +What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. +% +What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll. +% +What with chromodynamics and electroweak too +Our Standardized Model should please even you, +Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none +It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. +Yet your state of the union penultimate large +Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, +And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll +Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. +Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back +For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, +But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude +Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. +Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, +You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, +That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere +Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear +Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta +Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. + -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 +% +What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is +better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. +There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he +did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart +on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. +Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his +funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had +supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs +make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work +and great art to make life not so serious. + -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" +% +Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. +% +What's on the floor of the old hen-house? +Doo-doo, doo-doo. + -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" +% +What's the worst thing about being an atheist? +Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. +% +When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. +% +When a man grows old and his balls + grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink +And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell +When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete + one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. +He can tell a tale or two. + +When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete +Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete +It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, +And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt + So the shooting ain't so bad. +There was rarely a day without a lay +And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete +For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. +Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of + a fuck +Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. +And a bison cow or so; +And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick +This fucking was mighty slow. + -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell +% +When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. +% +When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, +I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: +In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, +Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, + Well, the men don't know, +They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. + shot full of holes, +Nurse try to save a soul. +Killed her for murder first degree, +Judge what tried let the man go free. + +Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, +Rather be dead six feet in the ground. +When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, +I eats more chicken than any man's seen. + -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 +% +When he tried to inject his huge whanger +A young man aroused his girl's anger. + As they strove in the dark + She was heard to remark, +"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." +% +When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to +lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally +honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to +fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first +to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. + The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking +Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where +the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. +"I've got to lay you or Jack off." + "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." +% +When I need something +To help me unwind +I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy +With a one-track mind Does a lot for me +Smart guys are nowhere Superman +They make demands With a lobotomy +Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard +With talented hands My brother's out of Yale +I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night +And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail +I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me +For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot + But the way he growled and bit me +The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots +The harder I fall +In love till we're done The bigger they are +Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work + I got a soft spot + For a good-looking jerk + -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" +% +When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some +kids had stolen my samwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, +"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." + -- Jake LaMotta + +You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two +months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a +vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything +like that. + -- Jake LaMotta +% +When in calling, plain speaking is out; +When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, +You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; +You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. +It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog +When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; +But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss +It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. + -- Ogden Nash +% +When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by +a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! +% +When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. +% +When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of +pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of +a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that +a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." + -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" + +Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell +him for 29. + -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI +% +When the candles are out all women are fair. + -- Plutarch +% +When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his +selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. + "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. +"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." + "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching +item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? + "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't +sell you that one for less than a hundred." + "I'll take it." + Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was +going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white +vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred +bucks for my Thermos." +% +When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. + -- Old Jewish saying + +[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] +% +When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! +% +When they tell me to stick it where +the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. +% +When things go wrong as they usually will, +And your daily road seems all uphill, +When funds are low and debts are high, +When you try to smile, but can only cry -- +And you really feel you'd like to quit, +Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. +% +When you and I are far apart +Can sorrow break your tender heart? +I love you darling, yes I do; +Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; +All you are is a blossoming rose. +Night is here so I must close. +With care read the first word of each line. +You will find a question of mine. + -- Yours hopefully, The VAX. +% +When you're lying on the bed, +And the thought is in your head, +But the feeling is way down between your legs, +Take your problem in your hand, +And beat it to the band, +And try your best to keep it off the walls. + +Don't let your lover tell you, +Don't let anybody sell you, +That the joy of masturbation is a crime. +For I've rid myself of fears, +(I've been doing it for years) +And now I have an erection all the time. +% +Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means +up your ass. +% +"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" +"Yeah." +"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" +% +Which of the following doesn't belong? + a. meat + b. eggs + c. drum + d. blowjob. + +Answer: + d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, + or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. +% +While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who +was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his +hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as +will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. + On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower +into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair +curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie +magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent +erection. + Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, +mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" +% +While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are +scarcely sufficient to service one woman. + -- Boccaccio +% +While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. +% +While sitting 'neath an oak one morn +In thought on this and that, +A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift +A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! + Why didst thou feel that my best hat +"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" +And brings joy to my heart. +But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, +Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, + For thy hat I thought was my nest, +I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." +His words to better mull, +Then lifted up a paving block +And crushed his fucking skull. + -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" +% +While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it +might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with +him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and +only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm +girl with languorous eyes. + "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. + "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I +just go wild." +% +Whip it, baby. +Whip it right. +Whip it, baby. +Whip it all night! +% +Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? + +Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. +Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting +it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for +his Wang. +% +Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! +% +Why I am an atheist: + +1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. +2. God is the highest power. +3. Therefore, God must be an atheist. +4. We should all strive to be like God. +5. We should all be atheists. +% +Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? + -- G. Gordon Liddy +% +Why is it that there are so many more +horses' asses than there are horses? + -- G. Gordon Liddy +% +Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? +Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. +% +Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them +then she isn't good enough for you. +% +Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl +who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It +would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those +stupid enough to consent to such a deal. + -- Edward Abbey +% +...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something +you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. +If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you +lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter +of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself +and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. + -- Edmund Carlevale +% +Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears +Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. +Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly +It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. + +At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well +Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. +"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, +When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. +% +Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. +% +With a bushel of apples, you can have +a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. +% +wok, n: + Something to thwow at a wabbit. +% +Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like +hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood +movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this +what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" + -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" +% +Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. +% +Women should be obscene and not heard. +% +Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can +be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. + -- Norman Mailer +% +Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; +you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. +% +Working here is like a pregnancy. +After nine months you wish you hadn't come. +% +World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, +a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. +The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and +Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful +settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war +postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel +appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! +Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" + So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling +the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the +Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God +said, "It will be done." + The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* +wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." + So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of +shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel +avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew +thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small +cup of coffee." +% +Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? +% +Writers do it between periods. +% +"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I +realized I was just flogging a dead horse." +% +Yesterday is a memory, + Tomorrow is a vision, + Today is a bitch! +% +You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. +% +You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, +and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, +thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. +% +You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. +% +You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. +Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! +% +"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" + -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon +% +You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. +% +You can get used to living at a nudist camp. +The first three days are the hardest. + -- R. Dreiser +% +You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; +but you can't pick your friend's nose. +% +You come out of a woman and you spend the rest +of your life trying to get back inside. + -- Heathcote Williams +% +You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. +% +You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles +are the biggest bastards on earth. + -- John Lennon +% +You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. +It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with +a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. +% +You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. +% +You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. +% +You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! +% +You see that fucking fish? +If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. + -- Sam Giancana +% +You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. +% +You wanna play the dozens, +Well, the dozens is a game, +But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! + -- George Carlin +% +You will always have friends +Some friends will peter out. +But I'll always be your friend, +Peter in or peter out. +% +You'll be a guest at a gay party. +That will have important consequences for you. +% +Young men want to be faithful and are not; +old men want to be faithless and cannot. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... + + -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. + -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out + with an ice pick. + -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. + -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" + -- they were the birth control poster child. + -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. + -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to + get the puppy to play with them. + -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! +% +Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, +shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" + -- Johnny Carson +% +Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that +there are more important things in life than great sex. +% +YOUR FOAMY FUTURE + by Miss Fortune + +SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) + "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your +motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. +Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. +But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. + +SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) + You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. +My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food +out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing +both hands against the table edge and pushing back. + +CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) + Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something +extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies +accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for +what you are than loved for what you're not. +% +Your spooning days are over, + And your pilot light is out; +When what used to be your sex appeal + Is now your water spout! +% +You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. +% +Yuck Foo. +% +Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, +I just gave my sister's cherry away! +To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., +Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. + -- John Valby +% |