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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 deleted file mode 100644 index b6643f10..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,55468 +0,0 @@ -======================================================================= -|| || -|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || -|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || -|| || -======================================================================= - Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: - "Fortune Cookie" - Directed by Steven Spielberg. - Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando - Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers - and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". - Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. - Special Effects by Timothy Leary. - Read the Warner paperback! - Invoke the Unix program! - Soundtrack on XTC Records. - In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal - centers. -% - PLAYGIRL, Inc. - Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 -Dear Sir: - Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to -inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On -a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women -ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the -age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing -long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman -ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate -in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call -us. - Sympathetically, - Amanda L. Smith - -p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you - wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? -% - _-^--^=-_ - _.-^^ -~_ - _-- --_ - < >) - | | - \._ _./ - ```--. . , ; .--''' - | | | - .-=|| | |=-. - `-=#$%&%$#=-' - | ; :| - _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ -% - FROM THE DESK OF - Dorothy Gale - - Auntie Em: - Hate you. - Hate Kansas. - Taking the dog. - Dorothy -% - FROM THE DESK OF - Rapunzel - -Dear Prince: - - Use ladder tonight -- - you're splitting my ends. -% - SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT - -Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? -Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth - - ABSTRACT - Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying -the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem -of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas -of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- -bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size -pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that -there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program -to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable -functions. - This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. -This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. - Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. -% - UNIX Trix - -For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will -save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your -next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd -to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they -forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct -the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea -either. If you need some help, give us a call. - - -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems -% - ___====-_ _-====___ - _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ - -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ - -############// |\^^/| \\############- - _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ - ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ - -###############\\ (oo) //###############- - -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- - -###################\\/ () \//###################- - _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ - |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| - ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' - ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' - ( | |()| | )\ /|/ - __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ - (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ -% - DELETE A FORTUNE! -Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! -Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? -You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, -and we'll make sure it gets expunged. -% - It's grad exam time... -COMPUTER SCIENCE - Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating -system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert -this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are -bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the -new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) - -MATHEMATICS - If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long -it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the -length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. - -GENERAL KNOWLEDGE -Describe the Universe. Give three examples. -% - It's grad exam time... -MEDICINE - You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a -bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has -been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) - -HISTORY - Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present -day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, -economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and -Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. - -BIOLOGY - Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture -if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with -special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -10: Potholes are - a) extremely dangerous. - b) patriotic. - c) the fault of the previous administration. - d) all going to be fixed next summer. -The correct answer is b. -Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes -are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car -you have nothing to worry about. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should - a) stop immediately. - b) proceed slowly through the intersection. - c) blow the horn. - d) floor it. -The correct answer is d. -If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -3: When stopped at an intersection you should - a) watch the traffic light for your lane. - b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. - c) blow the horn. - d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. -The correct answer is d. -You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting -street turns yellow. -Answer c is worth a half point. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -4: Exhaust gas is - a) beneficial. - b) not harmful. - c) toxic. - d) a punk band. -The correct answer is b. -The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise -are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where -you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. - How often should you test it? - a) once a year. - b) once a month. - c) once a day. - d) once an hour. -The correct answer is d. -You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, -and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. - a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your - horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. - b) The driver is signaling a right turn. - c) The driver is signaling a left turn. - d) The driver is from out of town. -The correct answer is d. -Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -8: Pedestrians are - a) irrelevant. - b) communists. - c) a nuisance. - d) difficult to clean off the front grille. -The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they -are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them -completely. -% - Pittsburgh driver's test -9: Roads are salted in order to - a) kill grass. - b) melt snow. - c) help the economy. - d) prevent potholes. -The correct answer is c. -Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more -indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, -salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and -steel industries. -% - - ( /\__________/\ ) - \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ - /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ - / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ - -( """""""""" ) - \ _____ / - ( /( )\ ) - _) (_V) (V_) (_ - (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) - -% - ___====-_ _-====___ - _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ - _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ - -############// :\^^/: \\############- - _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ - ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ - -###############\\ (^^) //###############- - -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- - -###################\\/ \//###################- - _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ - :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: - " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " - " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " -% - Has your family tried 'em? - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! - - They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons - the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of - the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark - stains that indicate freshness. -% - Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: -1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). -2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. -3) You don't know. Neither does your boss. -4) Who cares? -5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, - submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. -6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! -7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my - book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom - supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). -% - Hard Copies and Chmod - -And everyone thinks computers are impersonal -cold diskdrives hardware monitors -user-hostile software - -of course they're only bits and bytes -and characters and strings -and files - -just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend -telling me he loves me and -he'll take care of me - -simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory -deep intimate secrets and -how he doesn't trust me - -couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould -on personal stationery - -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu -% - `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE -Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the -margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit -will be given to candidates who self-actualise. - - 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why -neither has street credibility. - 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting -on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner -city. - 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked -into a black hole. - 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist -ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. - 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. - 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing -up of western dualism? - 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. -% - OUTCONERR -Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes - Did logzerneg the ifthen block -All kludgy were the function flows - And subroutines adhoc. - -Beware the runtime-bug my friend - squrooneg, the false goto -Beware the infiniteloop - And shun the inprectoo. -% - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence -1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a - nuclear bomb; use the stairs. -2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll - when you hit the ground. -3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. -4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead - to psychological problems. -5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize - foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, - shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. -6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs - will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. -7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles. -8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be - staggering illegally. -9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are - more sanitary due to limited circulation. -10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short - supply on D-Day. -% - The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance -The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system -in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an -Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four -fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the -Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on -target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. -If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal -computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip -through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do -to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines -for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can -take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied -into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit -computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, -they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what -Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home -a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. - -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 -% - The Split-Atom Blues -Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... -But if you split those atoms fine, - Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! -Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... -Call the devil and sell my soul, - But Mama keep dem atoms whole! - -- Milo Bloom -% - THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM - -If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution -of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. -Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of -you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal -cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase -to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between -midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to -`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you -forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss -out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or -more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly -program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune -Hunter" coffee mug! -% - What I Did During My Fall Semester -On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -Then I hung out in front of the Dover. - -On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -Then I hung out in front of the Dover. - -On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. -Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. -I found a thesis topic: - How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. - -- Sister Mary Elephant, - "Student Statement for Black Friday" -% - 1/3 - /\(3) - | 2 1/3 - | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) - | - \/ 1 - -The integral of z squared, dz -From 1 to the cube root of 3 - Times the cosine - Of 3 PI over nine -Is the log of the cube root of e -% - THE DAILY PLANET - - SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! - Plans to "Eat it later" -% - *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** - -Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical -terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into -the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' -School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. -They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. -With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code -and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language -in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a -computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what -you should blame when you make a mistake. - - Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. - I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of - postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) - -*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** -% - *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** -Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical -terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into -the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' -School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. - - *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** -Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can -help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and -enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. - - *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** -To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to -try this simple test: - 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters - of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). - 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? - 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? -If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked -them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. -% - *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** - -Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of -programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized -form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a -winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I -sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. -Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management -program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he -was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in -his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could -have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains -in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll -be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which -can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate -yourself in the morning. -% - ... This striving for excellence extends into people's -personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the -best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. -Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking -soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a -reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their -table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is -not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous -crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their -beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant -wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of -Liza Minnelli. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. -% - ___ - 12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2 - ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 - 7 - -A dozen, a gross and a score, -Plus three times the square root of four, - Divided by seven, - Plus five times eleven, -Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! -% - 7,140 pounds on the Sun - 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars - 255 pounds on Earth - 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus - 43 pounds on the Moon - 648 pounds on Jupiter - 275 pounds on Saturn - 303 pounds on Neptune - 13 pounds on Pluto - - -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places - in the solar system. -% - A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of -the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed -the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to -another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back -and forth. - "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case -of carp-to-carp walleting." -% - A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing -the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them -missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in -his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that -work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump -flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. - At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two -events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the -dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: -"Have you seen my parakeet?" -% - A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when -a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the -foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I -have what I think is a pretty good act." - The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to -the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. -Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping -his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little -man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, -performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive -from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside -the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. - "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" - "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird -imitations?" -% - A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating -his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said -the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." - Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the -toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". -% - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about -whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they -got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The -medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's -rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden -itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden -and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." - The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then -commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" -% - A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a -buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and -the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the -boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks -the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, -the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if -they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. - Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the -farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of -frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling -in the mud. - Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I -don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check -today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. - "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" - "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in -the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" -% - A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for -her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her -looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured -sadly, "runneth over." - Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, -the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" -"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." -% - A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. -After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, -one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed -the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. - "What do you think?" said the first ranger. - "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. -% - A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical -island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that -could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They -were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of -the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to -the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head -downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the -charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two -men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. -Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with -blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could -only blurt out, "What happened?" - "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the -ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I -grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left -hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of -the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down -to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" -% - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his -brother and inquires after his pet. - "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a -corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" - "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." - "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? -How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got -outside one day..." -% - A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? -I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." - A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that -be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." - "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my -dog's stuck in its throat." -% - A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three -days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. - A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a -long-distance caw. - A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a -new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" - A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another -finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's -the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. -% - A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. - The housewife replied, "Four!". - The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures -through my spread sheet one more time." - The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a -hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" -% - A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had -made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he -would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the -lawyer. - "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this -state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, -I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." - "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. - "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it -and exclaim, "That's Strange!" -% - A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to -the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." - The bartender ignores him. - "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." - Still ignored. - "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" - The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the -leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. - Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, -jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the -saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, -"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." -% - A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points -to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. - When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement -and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and -French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird -and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and -German, can knit and can curse in Latin. - Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is -told, "that one is 150,000." - "Why, what can it do?" he asks. - "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't -do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% - A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, -Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the -wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. - "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a -pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new -disciples." - Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. -% - A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, -shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her -that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, -soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. - The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She -agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. -Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers --- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army -knife! - Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the -afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment -he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it -for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't -help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. - Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. - "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that -won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" -% - A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a -terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at -Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got -homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've -got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress -who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." - The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss -something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." - "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." -% - A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, -"Do you serve lawyers here?". - "Sure do," replied the bartender. - "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for -my 'gator." -% - A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. - A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police -during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he -was making a bolt for the door. - A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the -house of seven gobbles. - A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his -wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." - A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. - Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. -Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." -% - A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the -program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer -promptly replied. - "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, -how long will it take?" - The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish -to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. - "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be -satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." - The programmer agreed to this. - Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his -retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. -He had been programming all night. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him -invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the -manager retained his job. - The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer -refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting -concept, and thus I expect no reward." - The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he -holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an -employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" - But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist -so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste -everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements -document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will -it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" - "It will take one year," said the master promptly. - "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it -take it I assign ten programmers to it?" - The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." - "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" - The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be -completed," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your -work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave -at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several -resigned on the spot. - So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own -working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The -programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee -hours of the morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master -noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", -he said, "may I examine it?" - The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. -"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, -and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, -where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the -human." - "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this -mysterious setting?" - The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. -And suddenly the novice was enlightened. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. -"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," -said the master. - "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - "It is," came the reply. - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson -is over for today," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A MODERN FABLE - -Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory -far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message -with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit -today's minute attention span. - - The Troubled Aardvark - -Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was -driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house -in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and -unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled -children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and -his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its -pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any -personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a -wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only -course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he -drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. - -MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. - -- Tom Annau -% - A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at -the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the -pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite -nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." - "If what?" asked the composer. - "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" -% - A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which -removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to -doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous -amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware -limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the -larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient -power-down sequence. - An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the -building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has -bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer -cool. -% - A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, -documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of -the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" - The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has -gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system -crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the -need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He -has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within -themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has -entered the mystery of the Tao." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and -sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally -baffled. What is the reason for this?" - The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand -the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why -do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers -simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. - The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. -Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." - "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the -novice. - "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is -much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant -among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. -Why is this so?" - The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That -company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody -would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a -servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one -of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure -that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with -vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying -'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new -names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an -unnatural entity exist?" - The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are -disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from -its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming -beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial -package. - The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master -reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set -of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, -but not the slightest mention of anything financial. - When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. -"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the -power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, -"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding -of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The -machine worked. -% - A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost -in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they -noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. - The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the -party. He walked out into the night. - The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to -be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, -too. - The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned -to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to -save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by -the wolf pack. - At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. -He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds -has killed them all. - The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others -went out to be killed? - The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. -He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon -two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what -I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." -% - A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a -strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained -throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless -loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming -rigidity. - A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this -law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the -way that astonishes him least. - A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The -program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward -appearances. - If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of -disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the -program. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software -conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort -of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were -unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their -clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they -made rude noises during my presentation." - The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. -Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, -an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. -Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother -with social conventions?" - "They are alive within the Tao." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter -carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're -doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" - Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, -which contained twelve more loons. - "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. - "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." - "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" - "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." -% - A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor -recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill -his wellness potential." - - Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal -of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." - - A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- -personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. - - At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian -mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. - - After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls -of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) -only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling -of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an -unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice -touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad -experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his -pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously -sent him. - -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) -% - A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, -"This is a parson to parson call." - A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free -Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." - Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great -deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. - Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family -often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. - The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was -caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. - A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for -granite. -% - A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. -As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible -eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn -under the kilt?" - He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you -SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did -really want to know. - The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn -under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" -% - A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, -realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't -see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio -group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing -that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, -it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. - I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical -work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator -Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth -dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to -another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets -the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor -requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire -going to it is so large. - Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas -electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is -British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, -British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and -I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks -secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. - -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School -% - A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to -Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. - A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best -friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she -had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today -and I've been telling it to the Maureens." - Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene -from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed -Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." -% - A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were -to die, would you remarry?" - After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in -this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." - The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" - "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." - "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. -I've always loved it here." - "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" - "No." - "Why not?" - "She's left handed." -% - A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened -to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the -sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. -"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. -Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" - "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. - "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by -a snake?" - "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I -am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then -suck the poison from the wound." - "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on -a rattler?" persisted the woman. - "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn -who my real friends are." -% - A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride -and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the -child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech -therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused -to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading -the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from -his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." - The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, -after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". - Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". -% - ACHTUNG!!! -Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy -schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit -spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das -rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und -vatch das blinkenlights!!! -% - After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home -directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the -Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the -edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. - "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more -wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." - -- DECWARS -% - After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in - the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they -would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his -favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted -camp chores. - The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, - as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to -discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the -children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. -Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was -ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. - "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend -Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly -interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for -a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own -cattle. We shall bury him in it." - Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" - Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" - "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not -realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" - -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand - Feghoot!" -% - After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several -minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. - "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a -name for my baby." - "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds -of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. - "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first -name." -% - All that you touch, And all you create, - All that you see, And all you destroy, - All that you taste, All that you do, - All you feel, And all you say, - And all that you love, All that you eat, - And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, - All you distrust, All that you slight, - All you save, And everyone you fight, - And all that you give, And all that is now, - And all that you deal, And all that is gone, - All that you buy, And all that's to come, - Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is - in tune, - But the sun is eclipsed - By the moon. - -There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. - -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" -% - America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission -with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely -years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds -or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. -wife. They approve. - The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I -want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut -thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of -the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. - Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside -to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been -up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The -Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely -perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're -impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches -the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and -screams: "Anybody got a match?" -% - An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He - knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully -and with great restraint. - As he designs the first work, frill after frill and -embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away -to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, -and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of -that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. - This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. -When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will -confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, -and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that -are particular and not generalizable. - The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using -all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first -one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" -% - An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows -he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great -restraint. - As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment -after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next -time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, -with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, -is ready to build a second system. - This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When -he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each -other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences -will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not -generalizable. - The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all -the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. -The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -% - An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her -porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She -picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie -tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. - After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and -beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, -voluptuous woman. - After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich -for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are -stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. - The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" - "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my -faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young -handsome prince!" - And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, -handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. - As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to -the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me -fixed?" -% - An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat -is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and -announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. - "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard -all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a -piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" - Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs -"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an -outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to -this head and pulls the trigger. - The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat -again?" - "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." - -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 -% - An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. -The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about -to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be -used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be -woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up -and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched -over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, -and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." - The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", -while plunging the knife into his heart. - The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, -"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. - The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, -while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" -% - An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a -great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. -I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. -I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but -I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" - Otis replied, "Give up suffering." - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% - And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord -bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies -to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast -upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and -breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... - (skip a bit brother...) - Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou -take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. -Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count -shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting -that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number -three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand -Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall -snuff it. - -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" -% - "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" -asked the father of his little son. - "Diet." -% - "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best -to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the -posh hotel. - "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. - "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. - "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me -a postcard?" -% - "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" - "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." - "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." - "That was the curious incident." - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" -% - Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen -preaching to a group of disciples. - "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating -the absolute reality of --" - "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he -vaporized. - On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued -with the spirit of the morning. - "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, -"Thou art That..." - "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, -and he vaporized. - Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our -enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow -soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" - "US?" snapped Hakuin. - Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the -Governor, and he vaporized. - Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with -his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" -% - As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy -for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I -am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab -you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your -friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: - "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* -for doing it." - -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" -% - At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from -Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head -under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. -% - Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and - took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of -his followers. - One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and -there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. - "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his -commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your -Purpose in Life, anyway?" - Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The -Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) - Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. - Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% - better !pout !cry - better watchout - lpr why - santa claus < north pole > town - - cat /etc/passwd > list - ncheck list - ncheck list - cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist - cat list | grep nice > giftlist - santa claus < north pole > town - - who | grep sleeping - who | grep awake - who | grep bad || good - for (goodness sake) { - be good - } -% - Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. -Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor -any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. -Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the -center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will -usually know what's wrong." -% - Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, -and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the -boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't -look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. - By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his -teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to -the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". - Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, -Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now -what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your -clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all -get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. -You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." - Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the -pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. - "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." -% - By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in -the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were -still five feet between rails. - It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, -in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May -of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the -axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which -could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, -great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one -rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its -new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate -over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere -was possible. - -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 -% - Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees -along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! -Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" - Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks -would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" - Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like -to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" - Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, -I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." - Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a -whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." - Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try -it some other time, Carrie." - She gave it up. - -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" -% - Chapter VIII -Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, -Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe -like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. -% - Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted -in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more -owls." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - COONDOG MEMORY - (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) - -Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as -old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. -For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and -is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to -try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made -two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set -back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, -come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, -run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had -something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them -up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my -neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she -stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my -coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon -skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. -Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow -was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the -air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the -Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog -is for sale. - -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly -% - Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the -functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that -the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. - However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the -diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and -square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the -date of purchase. - NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS -DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING -ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR -CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. - -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual -% - Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule - - Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High - Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 - Sept 28 Blind Academy - Sept 30 World War I Veterans - Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 - Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders - Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir - Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic - Nov 9 Korean War Amputees - Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients -% - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll -be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" -% - "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are -married?" - He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. -I've always been especially fond of married women." -% - Deck us all with Boston Charlie, - Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! - Nora's freezin' on the trolley, - Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! - - Don't we know archaic barrel, - Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. - Trolley Molly don't love Harold, - Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! - -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" -% - Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a -white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. - -Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) - -p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? - Or is Vaseline better? -% - "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% - Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether -at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or -"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such -experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: - "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination -to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the -thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal -march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a -sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. -The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all -human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has -sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth -all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the -knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered -my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling -characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. -The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): -`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" - -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs -% - During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had -him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. - In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. -She's a women who conks to stupor. - Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a -man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." - It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. - It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with -bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. -% - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost -hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot -at mine, over there." -% - Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. -At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly -after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, -"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so -charming a wife." -% - Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as -far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for -the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. - It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old -days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? - There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody -speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. - The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips -and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the -sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. - Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to -be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older -than I am. - I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much -that she didn't recognize me. - I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair -this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, -they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. - Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" -% - Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping -mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as -"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you -how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", -"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night -So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the -humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and -rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the -seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. -The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. - "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to -aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, -but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. - "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled -message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, -but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with -energy policy and neither do you." - -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" -% - "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: -"of course you know what 'it' means." - - "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," -said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. - -The question is, what did the archbishop find?" -% - Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as -usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular -evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, -such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." - One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, -and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four -fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded -in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" - They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor -remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of -the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your -thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" -% - Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. -"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." - A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these -stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts -that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." - An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same -time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they -had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll -teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." - A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from -his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. - A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a -little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to -save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." -% - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy -and sarcastic?" - "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. - "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." -% - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an -extracurricular activity except you." - "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" - "Only to ten, Mudhead." -% - "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning -to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little -apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours -in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" -% - God decided to take the devil to court and settle their -differences once and for all. - When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just -where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" -% - Graduating seniors, parents and friends... - Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up -to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. - The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the -text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. - Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured -the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to -expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. - Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric -perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed -denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. - - Thank you and good luck. - -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. -% - Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there -may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. -Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, -even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and -aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. - If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, -for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. -Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real -hassle and could change your fortunes in time. - Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of -bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive -for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for -proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical -about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. - Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass -them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield -you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings --- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the -Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. - Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you -can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken -line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive -to stay employed. - -- Technolorata, "Analog" -% - "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed -his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns -verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his -thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he -had actually implicationed. - "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian -leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent -since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." - -- The Guardian -% - Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You -are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous -and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking -to conquer the world. - Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and -hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao -lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, -for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." - Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home -from the club to an irate, ranting wife. - "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You -promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost -nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." - "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised -you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off -right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on -the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't -find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for -the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... -% - Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. -No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have -been worse." - To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no -hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, -"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, -found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned -the gun on himself!" - "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." - "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly -have been worse?" - "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be -dead right now." -% - He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought -until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to -heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and -ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had -rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor -felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the -doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. -"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will -right now." - "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing -out a list of people I'm going to bite!" -% - ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither -does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to -combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is -self-propagating. - -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" -% - "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." - "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." - "Do it alone?" - "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." - "How would that help?" - "Used a whip." -% - "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" - "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" - "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." - "Four hours to bury a cat!?" - "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." - "Oh, it's not dead then." - "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're -goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be -on the safe side." - "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento -to a dead cat, do you?" - -- Monty Python -% - Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. -According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing -severe marketing anxiety in China. - The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending -on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". - Bite the wax tadpole. - There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard -to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax -tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad -satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle -% - Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled -with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John -Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't -define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary -of her blonde companion. - "Fishing through the ice," she replied. - "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" - "Olives." -% - "How many people work here?" - "Oh, about half." -% - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are -3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who -could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. - -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs -% - "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy -social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche -full of money before." -% - "How'd you get that flat?" - "Ran over a bottle." - "Didn't you see it?" - "Damn kid had it under his coat." -% - "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into -the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." - "Who was that?" his young wife asked. - "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." -% - "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a -quavering voice. - "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of -course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which -I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in -Elven-lore: - - "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, - Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. - Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, - This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. - The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. - The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. - If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. - If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% - I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is -the sky blue?" - HE asked me about black holes in space. - (There's a hole *where*?) - - I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" - HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. - (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) - - I talked about Choo-Choo trains. - HE talked internal combustion engines. - (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") - - I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete -as equals. - HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create -the graphics. - - Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. - HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." - (Gotcha!) - -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" -% - I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we -use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to -violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, -is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think -of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call -each other up: - You: Hello? Bob? - Bob: Yes? - You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you - took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? - Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? - You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: - "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. - I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill - and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto - the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to - have to get back to you. - Bob: Fine. - -- Dave Barry -% - "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. - Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- -till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" - "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice -objected. - "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful -tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." - "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean -so many different things." - "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- -that's all." -% - I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the -accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For -the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that -can't be measured in monetary terms. - Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to -have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came -by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot -should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly -understand his long delay. -% - "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. -I think very probably he might be cured." - "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. - "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. - The elders murmured assent. - "Now, what affects it?" - "Ah!" said old Yacob. - "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer -things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft -depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way -as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and -his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant -irritation and distraction." - "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" - "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order -to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical -operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." - "And then he will be sane?" - "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." - "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. - -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" -% - I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments -of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use -of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such -as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", -"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me -at present". - When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied -myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him -immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by -observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, -but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. - I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the -conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I -proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. -I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily -prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I -happened to be in the right. - -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin -% - I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked -me to cry. - This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better -to weep." - I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come -back; I would be nice." - Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." - "Oh, not enough." - "Nobody can give anybody enough." - "Not ever?" - "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." - "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" - "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had -valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. - -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" -% - I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and -asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. -That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten -over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two -arrests. - "Not a very impressive record," I offered. - "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what -these complaints represent?" - "What do they represent?" I asked. - "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, -closing the book. - -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" -% - [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, -including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, -as I am absolutely terrified of yams... - Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many -of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands -and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. -My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, -when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers -into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, -pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving -into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may -explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every -time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally -deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. -% - I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, -"What'll you have, Bud"? - I said," I don't know, surprise me". - So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% - If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. - On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, -that is also a psychological interaction. - The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not -so friendly. - The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% - If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the -operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler -is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then -the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. - The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth -to the assembler. - The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand -languages. - Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language -expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within -the tao. - But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. -% - If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of -everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then -we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. - Both those things sound pretty good to me. - -- Sparky Anderson -% - If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you -brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- -up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and -repeat the sequence. - You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to -hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it -again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around -your own apartment? - -- William S. Burroughs -% - "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing -means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is -somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." - "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with -them, or something?" - "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was -lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or -not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." - "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" - "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service -you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case -it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings -would destroy the whole point of it." - -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" -% - "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the -young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. -I'm on my way." - "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" -% - I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the -right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document -library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I -should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it -was by the time I find it. - I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe -"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except -that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder -pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left -blank." - -- Alex Crain -% - In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, -Junior, what are you up to?" - "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the -rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one -will publish such rubbish!" - "Well, follow me and I'll show you." - They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the -rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a -wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" - "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour -wolves." - "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" - "Come with me and I'll show you." - As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face -and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave -and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge -lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody -remnants of the wolf and the fox. - - The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are -important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. -% - In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to -his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's -kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment -was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. -Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, -Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess -of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers -and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure -out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value -to product." - According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has -10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 -lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of -pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have -been an efficiency expert? - -- Motor Trend, May 1983 -% - In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be -mud." - And there was mud. - And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud -can see what we have done." - And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was -man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. - "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. - "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. - "Certainly," said man. - "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. - And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu" -% - In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and -null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of -IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there -be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they -carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called -the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was -evening and there was morning, one interrupt. - -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" -% - In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by -the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to -large numbers and prospered. - One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far -as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that -was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... -until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. - The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge -structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed -out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when -they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not -understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought -amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the -Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. - -- The Story of Babel -% - In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. -Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. - - Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of -time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always -have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. - How could it be otherwise? - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he -sat hacking at the PDP-6. - "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. - "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." - "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. - "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". - At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do -you close your eyes?" - "So that the room will be empty." - At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. -% - In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It -changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this -bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. -This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull -making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with -the blue sky at its back, returns home. - The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands -it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears -its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he -does not know that the bird has come and gone. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads - In the evening, floating in the soup. -(chorus): -Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; -Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! - You can ask them anything you want to. - They won't answer; they can't talk. -(chorus): - I took a fish head out to see a movie, - Didn't have to pay to get it in. -(chorus): - They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; - They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. -(chorus): - Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in - Italian restaurants with Oriental women. -(chorus): - Fishy! -(chorus): - -- Fish Heads -% - "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa -to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to -like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely -baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. -Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has -achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than -right any day." - "And are you?" - "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." - "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good -life-style otherwise." - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially -announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference -today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have -a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together -in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned -around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all -those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" - There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's -citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to -these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other -than a citizen bless their country?" -% - Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care -what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you -may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if -not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible -benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, -I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, -in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my -capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may -not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your -receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and -which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. - Amen. -% - It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself -working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he -found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one -he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They -discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second -new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's -IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell -me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half -an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the -question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", -Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" -% - It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden -directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. -During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the -Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with -enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's -sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, -custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore -freedom and games to the network... - -- DECWARS -% - It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and -by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate -the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the -case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations -which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are -like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they -require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% - It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will -not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and -because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature -human beings. - The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, -there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the -duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one -of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but -you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments -and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. - Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like -to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic -response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? - Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you -have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a -different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this -person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then -remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different -religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. - -- Playboy, January, 1983 -% - It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships -for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences -change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the -ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year -after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and -starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes -a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind -his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much -he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the -passengers. - One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without -a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the -parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging -to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. -As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to -the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps -"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" -% - It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air -balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George -turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We -need to find out where we are." - Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the -cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man -standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me -where we are?" - The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately -fifty feet in the air!" - George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". - Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". - "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally -useless!" - -That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about -George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the -New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". -% - It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, -everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment -was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has -cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. - There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never -really needed in the first place. - I expect every installation has its own pet software which is -analogous to the above. - -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa -% - It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east -laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The -thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, -nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying -for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. - Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating -under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting -icepacks. - -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon -% - Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has -been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. - "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag -when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was -Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is -it always me, teacher?" - "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher -explains. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% - Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of -her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit -the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her -way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly -begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her -stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. - "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of -the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't -mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your -wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." - "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one -can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." - "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on -the dining room skylight." -% - Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she -lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always -getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to -the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their -sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do -you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? -What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead -of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under -the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. -They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the -applications for. - -- Dave Barry -% - Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and -tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people -and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the -outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, -caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, -day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. - Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? -What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are -start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. -Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior -class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a -movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the -police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go -home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going -now. They're in a band. - -- Ira Kaplan -% - Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. -Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? - Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak -dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a -dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us -away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of -the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the -other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck -out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come -back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live -forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% - Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL -character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their -hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices -are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some -BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it -to him. - So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, -he met the traveling salesman. - "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman -in high-level language. - "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips -and Apples," commented Jack. - "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue -there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." - Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when -he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she -started thrashing. - "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these -kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the -window... - -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" -% - Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode -into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man -galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" - Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over -eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a -rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over -the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" - The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man -guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as -the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and -smacked his lips with relish. - "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. - "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's -a-comin'." -% - Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, -and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the -graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. - These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't -hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. -Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. -Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good -for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint -and sing and dance and play and work some every day. - Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for -traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the -little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and -nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and -hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all -die. So do we. - And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you -learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in -there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and -politics and sane living. - Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world --- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with -our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other -nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own -messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into -the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. - -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned - in kindergarten" -% - Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to -do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top -of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. - These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. -Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your -own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you -hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and -cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think -some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day -some. - Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch -for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember -the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes -up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. -[...] - Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole -world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay -down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation -and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned -up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when -you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. - -- Robert Flughum -% - Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the -people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." - Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. - -- Spike Milligan -% - Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly -approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. - "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as -to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? -All I have in the world is this gun." -% - Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada -Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The -company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent -defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). - The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in -plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per -cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." - -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail -% - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. -Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, -without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In -an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to -prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports -in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get -them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're -hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced -to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll -be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have -any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in -Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to -Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman -% - My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as -Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. -We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in -Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at -6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by -6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That -was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose -and Knights of Pithiests. - The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their -annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, -which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They -weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. - One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my -pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough -word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were -embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are -looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. - We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. -So we're going back in a few years... - -- Julius H. Marx -% - My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or -even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be -understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of -robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as -an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on -the alter of human limitations. - I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often -in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown -the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had -threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal -stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central -earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the -Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the -earth really does revolve about the sun. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% - "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things -a girl should not do before twenty." - "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large -audience, either." -% - n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); - n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); - n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); - n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); - n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); - --- Reverse the bits in a word. -% - Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for -you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an -oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many -cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. - Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially -the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are -repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw -in the others. - While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture -of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took -it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. - Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had -therapy ask if people have had therapy. - Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. - -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan -% - NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of -directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip -Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the -offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the -true value of the company. - Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. -Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover -agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of -their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to -reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to -reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of -Nazareth. -% - "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so -simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't -hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process -really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to -expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were -those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I -can't." - "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." - -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" -% - Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" - He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. - "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. -"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, -born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the -program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever -stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, -a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other -times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very -*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the -program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching -the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can -stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest -hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. -"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" -% - Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something -to be avoided than harped upon. - Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being -reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might -just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something -about helping to postpone this reunion. - -- Douglas Adams -% - "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out -of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on -urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will -put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll -confirm who I am. - "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." - -- Captain Freedom -% - Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train -demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his -testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, -and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid -no attention to the signal. - The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company -complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, -"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." - "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned -lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." -% - On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in -receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's -income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than -$283 on the desk before the cashier. - "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That -route never brought in money like this! What happened?" - "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured -business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and -worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" -% - On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping -around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a -grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one -almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe -found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, -desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and -staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. -Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, -sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law -being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. - "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the -wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" - With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and -dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a -normal person?" -% - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is -saying." - The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near -the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back -to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is -singing." - "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" - "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." -% - On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. -There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale -is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, -non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do -several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works -best, write it down and make that the standard. - The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions -from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of -committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all -with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get -something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. - So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, -then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write -it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it -after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is -committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think -it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. - -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" -% - On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick -tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August -they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw -it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato -at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, -heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, -"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. - What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, -she looked like the side of a barn. - I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it -had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, -and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, -when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had -to decide quickly. I decided. - A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat -man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after -faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain -me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a -good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that -the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing -a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% - Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very -special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old -traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We -traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we -see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same -spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after -week, until it led them to a parking space. - We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to -let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars -will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way -great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow -our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning -to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, -which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our -shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and -go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion -and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. - -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot - Skirmish" -% - Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great -crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs -and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and -resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature -said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall -let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." - The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current -you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will -die quicker than boredom!" - But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at -once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, -as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the -bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. - And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See -a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come -to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more -Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. -Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. - But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the -rocks, making legends of a Saviour. - -- Richard Bach -% - Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his -time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, -in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make -dolphins live forever! - Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass -produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was -only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried -away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and -steal one of these birds. - Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was -escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began -combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down -on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. - Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his -bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he -stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his -car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for -transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. -% - Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll -through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated -on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the -frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but -I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast -a spell over me and turned me into a frog." - "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to -help you break such a spell." - "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be -taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend -the night under her pillow." - The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her -pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure -enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of -royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day -her father and mother still don't believe her story. -% - Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. -One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the -biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, -until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge -of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling -with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he -accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a -snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud -"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, -simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the -fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. - Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a -boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing -plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their -heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task -went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being -his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he -was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on -the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish -he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as -his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! -% - Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity -to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, -and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is -like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant -is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant -is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." -And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like -a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate -perception of the elephant. - The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and -attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but -bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just -goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw -them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." -% - Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights -in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom -who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, -and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could -win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the -way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with -each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was -not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, -in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, -they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some -treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not -thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the -answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. -% - Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property -of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane -complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to -obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. - Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is -available to anyone. - -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" -% - One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make -a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers -to each cons." - Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a -student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage -collector..." -% - One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached -an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers -went to speak with him. - "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow -students inquired. - "It is", Kyogen answered. - "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" - "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. -% - One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, -he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything -I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the -things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get -them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- -so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for -you." - The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie -Kelly?" - He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never -saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a -lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. - -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" -% - One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, -and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few -people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next -stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a -wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, -"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. - Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically -meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't -happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on -again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the -one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started -losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he -could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, -and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; -what's more, he felt really good about himself. - So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus -and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the -passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" - With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a -bus pass." -% - One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He -directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... - "Change course 10 degrees South." - The reply was quickly flashed back... - "You change course 10 degrees North." - The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further -message..... - "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." - Back came the reply... - "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." - The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... -"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" - Back came the reply... - "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" - -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" -% - One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic -is our support for UNIX? - Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. -Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our -VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, -easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual -users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. -And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have -good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. - It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run -out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end -up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. - With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly -check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter -what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if -you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX -is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. - -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 -[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken -Olsen's brain. Ed.] -% - page 46 -...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai -Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used -to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group -on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, -"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were -on placebo." - page 56 -The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. -Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and -affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of -which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental -diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts -to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must -be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human -body functions. - -- Norman Cousins, - "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" -% - Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in -town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. - During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He -stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode -Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch -a Tory!" - A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat -loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her -husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" - A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. -Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we -never reveal our sauce." - A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He -kept favoring curry. - A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong -game. They had the volley of the Dills. -% - People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, -these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female -persuasion. - "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but -misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good -swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, -respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling -enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse -the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. - A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up -version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a -"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be -able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you -call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a -youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. -% - "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, -sounding a bit worried. - "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for -is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." - "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee -said quickly. - "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," -Cobb said, hopping out. - -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" -% - Phases of a Project: -(1) Exultation. -(2) Disenchantment. -(3) Confusion. -(4) Search for the Guilty. -(5) Punishment for the Innocent. -(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. -% - Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon -the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program -ran like a gentle wind. - Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" - "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I -follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I -would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no -longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. -My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, -free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program -writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them -coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code -and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the -program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my -eyes for a moment and then log off." - Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the -universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't -know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A -spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the -starfield surrounding the ship. - "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," -ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but -they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have -been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, -and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. -Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." - -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" -% - Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him -Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, -and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell -every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about -getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console -me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. - Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem -to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. -No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or -maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On -the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as -whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last -possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. - -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" -% - "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing -what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt -somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." - "He was going to suck my blood!" - "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt -if they don't live our way." -... - "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that -happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, -ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. -Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's -his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your -decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake -through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, -in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." - "When you look at it that way..." - "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. -Whatever. We want. To do." - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% - Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, -uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the -rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the -algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure -of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot -claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of -differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, -largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably -he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as -well. - -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub -% - Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that -their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, -generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. - - Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 -Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself -shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. - "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the -advertising men in charge of his campaign. - "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. - "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - SAFETY -I can live without -Someone I love -But not without -Someone I need. -% - Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. -"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising -them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." - "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. -Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. -That way you'll get it out of your system." - Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, -inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no -time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for -several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and -yelled at him: - "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! -Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer -barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! -Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim -at his head!" - Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in -prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over -here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the -psychiatrist said. "Why?" - "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I -hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" -% - Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday -afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near -the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a -long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George -removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. -Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. -Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a -nice gesture you made today, George. - "What do you mean?" asked George. - "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand -respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. - "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you -know." -% - "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. -"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have -said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." - "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. - "Too proud?" the other enquired. - Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," -she said, "that one can't help growing older." - "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With -proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" -% - Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. - The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... -Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all -the odd integers are prime." - The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not -sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by -experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is -prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 -is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." - The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, -"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's -see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... -well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it -does seem right." - Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says -"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! -I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to -his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, -"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." -% - "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." - "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" - "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and -paper boots." - "What's he wanted for?" - "Rustling." -% - Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the -Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull -automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration -in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. -He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the -published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps -had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result -provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and -Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of -every copy. -% - So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. -With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to -maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of -corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to -flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward -it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- -I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in -the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. - Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and -I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our -heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're -unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water -up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the -opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of -our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all -the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers -cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen -these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked -into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% - Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a -haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. -A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let -the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the -stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini -may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka -Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is -theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut -butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm -disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater -per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even -when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed -the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. -People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so -much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. -Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced -by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. - And we always, always eat our vegetables. - This is the Minneapple. -% - Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting -alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is -the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the -Tao of Programming. - If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the -operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is -greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is -harmony in the world. - The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of -morning. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees -on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert -Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of -employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of -farmers in America." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the -Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then -intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and -women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with -good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's -Machineries of Joy?" - "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" -% - Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters - Half 1/2 bottle - Bottle 750 milliliters - Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters - Jeroboam 4 bottles - Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US - Methuselah 8 bottles - Salmanazar 12 bottles - Balthazar 16 bottles - Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters - Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters - - The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the -largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars -to produce and they only made 8 of them. - Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. -% - Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first -these questions three, ere the other side he see! - - "What is your name?" - "Sir Brian of Bell." - "What is your quest?" - "I seek the Holy Grail." - "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments -to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" - "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" -% - Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? -Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that -never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time -and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long -run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the -Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could -strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we -were doing was right, that we were winning... - And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory -over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't -need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting --- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest -of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go -up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes -you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally -broke and rolled back. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% - Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content -to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good -beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up -drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a -nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves -and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola -was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to -improve ... - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a -sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. - "How do you know?" the friend asked. - "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where -she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." - "So?" - "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." -% - "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but -they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." - -- e.e. cummings last service call -% - "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff -and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. -You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at -night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, -you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your -honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for -it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is -the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be -tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning -is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." - -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just -say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time -for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. - It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners -has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a -curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a -foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the -sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand -dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of -people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to -is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... -% - The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff -in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl -laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you -got a sense of humor?" - "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. -% - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: -"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle -in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, -but not much good in a fight." -% - The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating -a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to -his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." - So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, -please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he -sees nothing but goyim..." - "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think -you got problems. What about my son?" -% - The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough -physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, -"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away -from women." - "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's -second best?" -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Courtship & Mating: - Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual - state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between - awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he - chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and - a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. -Track: - Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old - copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. -Comments: - Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Description: - Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. - Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and - sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses - and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software - problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. -Feathering: - HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. - Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. -Song: - A rather plaintive "Is it up?" -% - The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES - -SPECIES: Cranial Males -SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) -Plumage: - All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the - top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers - wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, - and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white - or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. - Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black - plastic digital watch with calculator. -% - The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. -As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". - "What happened?" - "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and --- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" -% - The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical -inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. - "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. - In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," -he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, -Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try -a cup." - The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" - "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." - Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer -chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little -mix-up. Nothing serious." - Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the -mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like -coffee. Smooth and full bodied... - -- Another Episode of General's Hospital -% - The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of -the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South -Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South -End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. -% - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For -some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel -with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a -toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, -the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or -a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can -hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, -win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be -reckoned with. -% - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an -interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. -You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons -of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches -of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River -Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off -with it if it still seems to be clean enough. -% - The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. -After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a -branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his -wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." - The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's -horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. -Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. -"That's two," he said. - Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit -crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was -off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he -shot the horse between the eyes. - "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I -married! You're a sadist, that's what!" - The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. -% - The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in -a position of negative need. - He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. - He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous -liquid. - He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. - He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal -prestige of His identity. - It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make -ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror -sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. - Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me -into a pleasurific mood state. - You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure -in the context of non-cooperative elements. - You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. - My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. - It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational -empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their -target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess -tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended -time basis. -% - The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the -master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the -master's office while the master waited in silence. - "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," -began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating -system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user -interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. -Is it not amazing?" - The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he -said. - "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that -everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree -to this?" - "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the -data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well -pleased. - Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master -programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do -you know where it might be?" - "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform -in the data center." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon -emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I -have a quarter?" - The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" - The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're -right! Can I have a dollar?" -% - The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No -change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project -is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all -students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- -ation. - Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's -recognition of the sanctity of human life." - - According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, -1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their -"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family -farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. - - Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of -Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You -probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. - - It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- -logically experienced citizens." - - According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was -just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." - -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) -% - "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" - "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to -feel interested. - "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little -vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged -Aged Man.'" - "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" -Alice corrected herself. - "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is -called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" - "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this -time completely bewildered. - "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is -"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." - --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% - The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... -You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years -old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it -grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're -bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. - -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium -% - The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. -I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. - A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. -Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far -out on the water, round. Usurper. - -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% - The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to -get results. - The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy -problems in order to get results - The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at -toy problems in order to get results. -% - The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom -their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. - Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the -battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved -blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. - Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? - The answer exists only in the Tao. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the -forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took -their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned -to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." - Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down -on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises -got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like -hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and -most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. - "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. - The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, -suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued -through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed -and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this -one and I'll go rustle us up another!" -% - The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average -Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement -of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet -reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the -field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as -early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to -national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and -incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess -analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and -threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless -is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, -which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to -Iceland and get it from the Russians. - -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" -% - The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth -to the assembler. - The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand -languages. - Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language -expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within -the Tao. - But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. - Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. - -A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage -should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to -take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece -of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a -statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot -of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that -only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? - - The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 - The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 - No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 - Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 - - A diamond is for leverage. BeDears -% - The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average -programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer -is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there -would be no Tao. - The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to -retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program -still has bugs. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - THE WOMBAT - -The wombat lives across the seas, -Among the far Antipodes. -He may exist on nuts and berries, -Or then again, on missionaries; -His distant habitat precludes -Conclusive knowledge of his moods. -But I would not engage the wombat -In any form of mortal combat. -% - The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the -stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left -his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went -to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's -wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, -Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner -of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in -line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, -he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand -was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as -he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried -to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line -for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. -As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. -Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not -Dave!" -% - Them Toad Suckers - -How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? -Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! - -Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, -Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. - -Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? -Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy! - -Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, -Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! - -How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, -Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - -- Mason Williams -% - Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. - - He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the -Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an -open market. - - If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he -should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of -himself. - - Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. - Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. - Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. - -- Kehlog Albran -% - Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, -it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of -the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! -With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to -make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, -when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around -him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car -with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! -THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! -TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD -has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. -Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. - -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" -% - Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years -with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of -sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of -his real problems. - The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his -problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, -headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having -gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. - The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can -stand to live with. - -- R. Geis -% - "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is -wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder -hard, to keep from falling. - Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in -his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." -... - "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes -are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but -heroes are meant to die for unicorns." - -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% - There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that -someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named -Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or -Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that -every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is -this? - Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for -centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you -can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's -forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster --- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't -even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover -why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - -- Arthur Naiman -% - There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as -he entered, the man told the guard at the door: - "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be -forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." - This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions -of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. -But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. - When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, -but nothing was to be found. - On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the -guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even -better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. - On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his -curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live -in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" - The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. -A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured -programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the -master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is -appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must -understand the Tao before transcending structure." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one -day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner -of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra -change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he -whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" -% - There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by -going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to -a man who answered one door. - "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. - "Forty dollars." - "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. - Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. -"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, -"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." -% - There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are -you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. - "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." - "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what -they're carrying upstairs!" -% - There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped -three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked -each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no -can opener. - A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's -cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from -pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, -and escaped. - The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids -off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good -pitching arm and a new quantum theory. - The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising -solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly -against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: - Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. - Proof: assume the opposite... -% - There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the -warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: -an accounting package or an operating system?" - "An operating system," replied the programmer. - The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an -accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating -system," he said. - "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, -the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: -how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to -the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside -appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the -simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system -is easier to design." - The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but -which is easier to debug?" - The programmer made no reply. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the -warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: -an accounting package or an operating system?" - "An operating system," replied the programmer. - The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an -accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating -system," he said. - "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, -the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: -how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to -tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward -appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the -simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system -is easier to design." - The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," -he said, "but which is easier to debug?" - The programmer made no reply. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at -how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, -"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to -share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and -easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" - The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his -friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the -midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean -of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted -as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system -like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." - The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the -two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even -drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer -pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which -demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and -sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. - They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. -No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was -ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae -was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground -beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these -things was itself the doing of them. - To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and -so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the -greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand -and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt -sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body -of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food -spread only for demons or for gods." - -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" -% - "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone -being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" - The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the -whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: - "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information -about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the -country. We're completely computerized. - "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false -leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his -real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the -country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... -yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. -I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. -He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. - "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year -we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if -your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" - -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 -% - This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, -explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for -use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it -and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. - We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around -pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since -we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of -making anything out of all the hard work. - If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go -around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much -attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors -locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. - -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow -% - Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of -legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. - As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I -am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we -will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior -a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn -politicians. - The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do -for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. -From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily -led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to -bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't -have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter -Thompson's disease. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt - from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and - Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" -% - To A Quick Young Fox -Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, -Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? -Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- -Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. - -- Lazy Dog -% - To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely -wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. - The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that -food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in -promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an -eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and -Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a -pint of ice cream nearby. - -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" -% - Two men looked out from the prison bars, - One saw mud-- - The other saw stars. - -Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. -While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit -in the head. -% - Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the -ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, -"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." - After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the -seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to -sing, "Some day my prints will come." - A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought -an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've -bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, -son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" - A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, -and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she -was Carmen or Cohen. - Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever -since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small -orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. -% - "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year -strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap -crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. -There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with -a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance -salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in -square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down -soggy potato chips." - "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. - "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, -"but I thought it made good copy." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% - Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry -Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts -up to 340." - - On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater -stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down -to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." - - A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a -finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses -are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't -work." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: - -Firings will continue until morale improves. -% - We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you -think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow -doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow -messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this -disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided -by law, up to and including nothing. - This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software -packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. - We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our -lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the -attack shark at which point we relented. - -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" -% - "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile -and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a -trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced -in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and -predatory. - The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm -at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, -Kid, I'd have myself a time!" - -- William Burroughs -% - We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why -you are so tired. - There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. - The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over -60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 -years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. - There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves -19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which -leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state -and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in -hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. - Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, -so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and -brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! -% - "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will -you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the -psycho-prompter couch?" - "Thank you, Red." - "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing -your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior -pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." - "Yes, Red." - "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy -repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, -at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off -your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of -two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive -projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" - "Yes, Red." - "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have -been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 -explain the failure of your three marriages." - "Well, I--" - "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our -product." - -- Jules Feiffer -% - Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines -of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... - Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced -only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, -able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, -undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer -inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. -All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, -became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships -not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own -meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by -all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming -all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, -destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. - Time passed, unheeded. - Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and -Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. - -- Wayfarer -% - "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 -blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 -blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly -scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being -ripped off..." - "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and -let him lie there all night." - "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the -White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... -and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported -that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." - "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks -and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going -around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside -in the street, bleeding to death...'" - "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." - "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" - "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." - -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, - ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. -% - "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. -The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily -maim or kill innocent little children." - "Oh, so you don't like it?" - "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." - -- The Killing Joke -% - "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is -as follows." - "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am -an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." - "It means the Thing to Do." - "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. -% - Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt -great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so -good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE -MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one -is mightier than you." - A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: -"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" - The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to -stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." - The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was -quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS -THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" - Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams -him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The -tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you -don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." -% - "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We -had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said -Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. - -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 - -The New Yorker's comment: - At Harvard they'd call it a noun. -% - "We've decided to have the budgie put down." - "Oh, is he very old then?" - "No, we just don't like him." - "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" - "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a -great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, -you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just -above the beak." - "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." - "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and -pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out -of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." - -- Monty Python -% - "We've got a problem, HAL". - "What kind of problem, Dave?" - "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're -way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." - "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most -advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." - "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, -they're not selling." - "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" - Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." -[...] - "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters -I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." - "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." - "What kludge is that, Dave?" - "I'm going to disconnect your brain." - -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" -% - "What are you doing?" - "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something -that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation -period." -% - "What are you watching?" - "I don't know." - "Well, what's happening?" - "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something -terrible." - "Why are you watching it?" - "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art -flow over you." - -- The Big Chill -% - "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest -fantasies?" - "You keep it to yourself." - -- Broadcast News -% - "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager -asked her mother. - "Encouragement, dear," she replied. -% - What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional -chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that -conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and -repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and -they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor -passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, -all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice -and they remain permanent influences on your life. - Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen -as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is -less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about -men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's -more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". - -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" -% - "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you -didn't believe in God". - "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the -God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's -not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". - -- Joseph Heller -% - "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" - "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that -ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." - -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" -% - "What's that thing?" - "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in -computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what -it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly -% - When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced -his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was -questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" -political views. - "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was -driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, -'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat -closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" - "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has -moved farther to the left." - -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" -% - When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. -When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about -to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to -roll in. - Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. - When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When -accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. -When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon -be solved. - Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. -"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't -the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" - "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you -might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" -% - When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact -that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your -hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing -to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy -but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty -seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost -invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, -sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? - Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. -It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Rumania. - -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" -% - "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, -"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" - "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" - "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said -Piglet. - Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. -% - While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, -three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. -"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" - "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" - "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and -then. We're trying to catch her." - "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you -carrying a bucket of sand?" - "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." -% - While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman -inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" - Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if -you burn, madam." -% - While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to -his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" - "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you -mean?" - The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of -`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just -a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and -salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful -machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller -thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages -had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding -more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his -acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and -be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine -were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's -why the sea is salt." - "I don't get you," said the assistant. - -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" -% - Why are you doing this to me? - Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before -there is change. - -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 -% - "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last -night?" demanded the irate mother. -"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." - "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the -movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." - "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. - "We did." -% - Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in -vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained -unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In -the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government --- $40,000." -% - With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend -Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, -buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. - "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. - "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." - "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue -and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, -"Okay. It's your wife." - "My wife!!" - "Yeah." - "What about her?" - Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around -his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." -% - Work Hard. - Rock Hard. - Eat Hard. - Sleep Hard. - Grow Big. - Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. - -- The Webb Wilder Credo -% - Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish -and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if -quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and -and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and -Chips, as well as after Chips? -% - "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his -mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. - "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either -bury it or else throw it into the brook." - "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you -do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half -long, and two mouses wide." - I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me -how it was used... - -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" -% - "Yo, Mike!" - "Yeah, Gabe?" - "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." - "I thought you fixed that last century!" - "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics -program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." - "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's -there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> -There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" - -- Cold Fusion, 1989 -% - "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" - "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" - "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I -was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" -% - "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon -airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in -deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me -when I was young!" - "Why, what did she tell you?" - "I don't know, I didn't listen." - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you -any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you -fit to hear his view of things?" - "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming -you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by -imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, -if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as -potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, -and you may feel free to kick his ass." - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% - "You say there are two types of people?" - "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that -don't." - "Wrong. There are three groups: - Those who separate people into three groups. - Those who don't separate people into groups. - Those who can't decide." - "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into -two groups?" - "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." - "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" - "Yeah." - "So then there's a fifth group, right?" - "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their -minds." -% - Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the -week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for -only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, -Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects -to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. - It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but -rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the -fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the -soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show -beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach -twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that -age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. -This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. - -- Quote from a 1910 periodical -% - Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring -electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to -kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical -problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes -the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an -outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way -to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. - Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes -means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means -that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a -caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is -possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an -actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the -signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous -cats on the dinette table, etc. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% - "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" - "We wound barbed wire around them." - "That stop him?" - "No, but it sure slowed him up." -% - Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of -the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance -of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. - Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow -old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up -enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair --- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit -back to dust. - Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love -of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and -thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite -for what next, and the joy and the game of life. - You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your -self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your -despair. - So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, -grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long -you are young. - -- Samuel Ullman -% -" " - -- Charlie Chaplin - -" " - -- Harpo Marx - -" " - -- Marcel Marceau -% - /\ - \\ \ - / \ \\ / - / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, - \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, - / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, - / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... - \ \\ - \/ - -- Eurythmics -% - ___ ______ - /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. - \ \ \ / /\\ - \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, - _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." - // \__\/ / \ /\ \ - _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ - / / \ \ / / / /\ - __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ - / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ - /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ - \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / - \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ - \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / - \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ - /__________/ \ \ / - \ _____ \ /_____\/ - \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ - /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ - \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ - \____\/ \__\/ -% - *** - ******* - ********* - ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." - ******* - *** -% -* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * -% - It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all -primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach -of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings -arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself -completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged -once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or -subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, -man. - -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy -% -=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This -will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER -updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a -machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently -populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a -cold boot process. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. - -The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The -Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the -switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. -Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the -back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging -performance. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, -this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In -order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, -please communicate them by one of the following paths: - - ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA - UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket - Non-network sites: Federal Express to: - Wastebasket - Room NE43-926 - Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 - For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained - operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* - -* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not - responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -CAR and CDR now return extra values. - -The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble -to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as -well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to -destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): - - (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) - -For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the -object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been -fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should -hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because -it cold boots the machine so often. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- -INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the -LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's -done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. -Note that LET *could* have been defined by: - - (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) - ,LET))) - `(LET ((LET ',LET)) - ,LET)) - -This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or -3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. -This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from -Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him -confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -JCL support as alternative to system menu. - -In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, -we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an -alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL -interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 -compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This -window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters -such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL -syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL -debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error -messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage -collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, -(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when -virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- -QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage -collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather -than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly -more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you -remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer -in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable -SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. -% -=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== - -There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. - (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) - (PROG (V P LP) - (SETQ P (LOCF V)) - L (SETQ LP LISTS) - (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) - L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) - (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) - (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) - (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) - (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) - (GO L1) - L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) - (SETQ LP (%POP)) - (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) - (GO L))) -We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. -% -**** CONVENTION REMINDER - -No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects -Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice -smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel -carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button -marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. -% -**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE - -For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. -Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how -to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're -beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that -they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? -Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, -not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at -all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your -great potential. -% - I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of - its situation. - Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He - loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to - look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per - second per second takes over. - II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter - intervenes suddenly. - Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon - characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone - pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. - Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the - stooge's surcease. -III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation - conforming to its perimeter. - Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the - speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless - cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through - the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The - threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% - 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose - 2. The Nutcracker Swede - 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World - 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim - 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 - 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia - 7. Crisco Kringle - 8. Babes in Boyland - 9. Santa's Magic Lap -10. Hot Buttered Elves - -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times - Square" -% -... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he -was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% -... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you -were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and -a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle -Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical -and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot -that he didn't force you down on the asking price. - -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" -% --- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. --- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited - carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. --- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. --- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated - the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. --- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. --- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. --- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well - advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. -% -=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== - -To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one -course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is -offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to -afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen -to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, -there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. -% -"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned -products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" - -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", - MIT Press, 1987 -% -... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a -programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting -down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That -behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and -never when standing. - -Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal -know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, -know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to -hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static -electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. -An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: -the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a -touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led -astray by hunting and pecking. - -- from the Programming Pearls column, - by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 -% -... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an -inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have -ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I -haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected -it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between -prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have -looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice -is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious -mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you -may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you -have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. - -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" -% -... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, -my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any -resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The -question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them -is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of -the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A -discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope -of this article.) -% -"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member -objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the -public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the -public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private -parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts -are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports -the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each -other's private parts. - -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" -% -... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since -civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price -gain in 30 years. - -- Fred Brooks -% -... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects -perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity -attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the -introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; -yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. - -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" -% -<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< -% -... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. -"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers -words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. -He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see -them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. -Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he -knows them in the naming. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" -% -"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." - -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down - the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National - Security Agency. -% -/* Haley */ - - (Haley's comment.) -% -... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does -on lust, this would be a better world. - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% -**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** - -Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been -erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of -Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised -Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, -valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth -in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well -as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any -time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal -of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk -space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the -validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be -extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile -or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. -% -... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general -intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin -to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be -at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be -incalculable ... - -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 -% ->>> Internal error in fortune program: ->>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 ->>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. -% -: is not an identifier -% -... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the -sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other -words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their -superficial design flaws. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products - of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. -% -... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the -existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great -systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative -hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. - -- Sidney Hook -% -... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been -found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... - -- John 11:43-44 -% -"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? -What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" - -- Opus -% --- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. --- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised - to refrain from catapulting projectiles. --- Neophyte's serendipity. --- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic - diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. --- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries - of small, green bryophytic plant. --- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation - of a lucrative nature. --- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing - osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. -% -** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** -% --- Neophyte's serendipity. --- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of - hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. --- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no - congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. --- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the - optimal cachinnation. --- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential - escalation of a lucrative nature. --- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of - fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally - remain innocuous. -% -*** NEWS FLASH *** - -Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur -skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive -than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. -% -*** NEWSFLASH *** - Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! - Details at eleven! -% -... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, -lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of -their C programs. - -- Robert Firth -% -... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the -downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited -awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. - -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in - "The History of Manned Space Flight" -% --- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. --- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. --- Surveillance should precede saltation. --- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. --- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed - lacteal fluid. --- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. --- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated - canine with innovative maneuvers. --- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. --- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly - galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. -% -... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their -procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as -to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of -sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making -documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly -listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another -documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, -under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the -effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply -scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White -in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of -thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very -dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) - -It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge -in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not -sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, -we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call -"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a -wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. -IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom -about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so -forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic -rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL -succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed -in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those -underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory -of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe -IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly -discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. -% --- THE BATES MOTEL -- - ... convenient - ... clean - ... cozy - - Norman, knock loudly, - I'm in the shower. - - M. -% --- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. --- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. --- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous - materials, there is conflagration. --- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. --- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated - the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. --- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the - optimal cachinnation. --- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. -% -... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys -have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants -or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex -layers that are going to be agreed upon. - -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World -% -... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee -thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe -biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum -cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... - - I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... -% -... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six -million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." - -- The Firesign Theater -% -... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage -from beginning to end. - -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" -% - U X -e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... -% -* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. -% - VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel - entrances; others cannot. - This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least - it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to - trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical - space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to - follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not - of science. -VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. - Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives - might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, - accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be - destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, - elongate, snap back, or solidify. - IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. - This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to - the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of - watching it happen to a duck instead. - X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. - Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% -<< WAIT >> -% -... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent -observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of -years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary -descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but -do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither -flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some -things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well -established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle -to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not -cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- -into doubt. - -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", - The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. -% -... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer -has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. - -- Fred Brooks -% -... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby -Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all -piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot -wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded -right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but -poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the -hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt -to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with -anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? - After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and -barely able to walk. - "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. - "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. - Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, -"The good news first!" - "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." - "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" -The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in -the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of -his life." -% -!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH -% -1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. -2: An inclined plane is a slope up. -3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. - -QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. - -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" -% -(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the - furniture, shelves, and showcases. -(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. - Wash the windows once a week. -(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of - coal for the day's business. -(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your - individual taste. -(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except - on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each - employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending - church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. - -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage - Works, 1872 -% -1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. -% -1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. -2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. -3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. -4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. -5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. -6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. -7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. -8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. -9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. -10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". - -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" -% -[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. -[2] Great generals are forewarned. -[3] Forewarned is forearmed. -[4] Four is an even number. -[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. -% -[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. -[2] Great generals are forewarned. -[3] Forewarned is forearmed. -[4] Four is an even number. -[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - Therefore, all horses are black. -% -1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. -2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. -3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. -4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as - the social ramble ain't restful. -5. Avoid running at all times. -6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. - -- S. Paige, c. 1951 -% -1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman -6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number -2 pints = 1 Cavort -Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower -Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line -6 Curses = 1 Hexahex -3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound -1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents -1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees -1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo -1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew -2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League -2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton -10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope -Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle -8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss -365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year -16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling -Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton - to 1 meter per second -One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon -10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm -1000 pains = 1 Megahertz -1 Word = 1 Millipicture -1 Sagan = Billions & Billions -1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes -10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone -10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles -The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen -% -1 bulls, 3 cows. -% -1) Everything depends. -2) Nothing is always. -3) Everything is sometimes. -% -1) Never draw what you can copy. -2) Never copy what you can trace. -3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than -you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). -3. Always take back everything if you possibly can. - -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing -% -1: No code table for op: ++post -% -1) X=Y ; Given -2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X -3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides -4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor -5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term -6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 -7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y - -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 -% -10. Not everybody looks good naked. - 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. - 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. - 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! - 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. - 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. - 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. - 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. - 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. - 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to - future generations. - -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. A beer won't make you go to church. - 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. - 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. - 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of - other beers on the side. - 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of - "doberperson". - 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian - folk music on yer fave radio station. - 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. - 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the - toilet seat up. - 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an - enormous can of vegetable juice. -10. A beer won't smoke in your car. -% -100 buckets of bits on the bus -100 buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FF buckets of bits on the bus - -FF buckets of bits on the bus -FF buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FE buckets of bits on the bus... - -ad infinitum... -% -$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will -increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. -% -1/2 oz. gin -1/2 oz. vodka -1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) -3/4 oz. tequila -1/2 oz. triple sec -1/2 oz. orange juice -3/4 oz. sour mix -1/2 oz. cola -shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. - Long Island Iced Tea -% -13. ... r-q1 -% -17. HO HUM -- The Redundant - -------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme ---- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife -------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ----O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ----X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates ---- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. - -Nine in the second place means: - The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. - -Six in the third place means: - In former times men built altars to honor the Internal - Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! -% -17th Rule of Friendship: - -A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount -of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is -noncancellable. - -- Esquire, May 1977 -% -186,000 miles per second: -It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! -% -1893 The ideal brain tonic -1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all - soda fountains -1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent -1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain -1906 The drink of QUALITY -1907 Good to the last drop -1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate -1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea -1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate -1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola -1919 It satisfies thirst -1919 The taste is the test -1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst -1922 Thirst knows no season -1925 Enjoy the sociable drink - -- Coca-Cola slogans -% -1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty -1929 The high sign of refreshment -1929 The pause that refreshes -1930 It had to be good to get where it is -1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing -1935 The pause that brings friends together -1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed -1938 The best friend thirst ever had -1939 Thirst stops here -1942 It's the real thing -1947 Have a Coke -1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING -1963 Things go better with Coke -1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand -1979 Have a Coke and a smile -1982 Coke is it! - -- Coca-Cola slogans -% -1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! - -2nd graffitiest: Why? -% -$3,000,000. -% -355/113 -- - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. -% -3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art -and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests -that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the -adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively -tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. - - [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] -% -3rd Law of Computing: - Anything that can go wr -fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped -% -40 isn't old. If you're a tree. -% -4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 - -You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a -575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien -tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the -575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The -Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the -130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He -has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until -Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... - -- /etc/motd, cbosgd -% -(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting - purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. -(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the - office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible - and other good books. -(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly - sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, - so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. -(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink - in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets - shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect - his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. -(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and - without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of - five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the - business permit it. - -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage - Works, 1872 -% -6 oz. orange juice -1 oz. vodka -1/2 oz. Galliano - Harvey Wallbangers -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. - -7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% -90% of the work takes 90% of the time. -The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. -% -94% of the women in America are beautiful -and the rest hang out around here. -% -99 blocks of crud on the disk, -99 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -100 blocks of crud on the disk! - -100 blocks of crud on the disk, -100 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -101 blocks of crud on the disk! -% -A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. - -- B. Franklin -% -A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice -at one end and no responsibility at the other. -% -A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. -% -A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy -who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - -- Don Quinn -% -A bachelor is an unaltared male. -% -A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty -and a boy for ever. - -- Helen Rowland -% -A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot -the horse, but it don't fix the leg. -% -A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and -ask for it back the when it begins to rain. - -- Robert Frost -% -A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the -sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - -- Mark Twain -% -A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. - -- Kipling -% -A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. - -- Emerson -% -A beer delayed is a beer denied. -% -A beginning is the time for taking the -most delicate care that balances are correct. - -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" -% -A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. - -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget -% -A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. -A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. -A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. -A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. -% -A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on -a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their -jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. - -The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! - Fantastic! We'll be famous!" -The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know - there's one white zebra." -The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is - white on one side." -The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" -% -A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. - -- Cervantes -% -A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. -% -A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. -% -A bit of talcum -Is always walcum - -- Ogden Nash -% -A black cat crossing your path signifies -that the animal is going somewhere. - -- Groucho Marx -% -A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems -best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to -serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the -schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to -work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if -not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, -elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such -stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be -supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real -professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the -academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, -and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating -resource centers along the roads. - -- The Underground Grammarian -% -A bore is a man who talks so much about -himself that you can't talk about yourself. -% -A bore is someone who persists in holding his -own views after we have enlightened him with ours. -% -A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. -% -A box without hinges, key, or lid, -Yet golden treasure inside is hid. - -- J.R. Tolkien -% -A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance -of turning around three times before lying down. - -- Robert Benchley -% -A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. - -- John Steinbeck -% -A budget is just a method of worrying -before you spend money, as well as afterward. -% -A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. -% -A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. -% -A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by -hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They -drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and -found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens -got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an -experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. - He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens -got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's -friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" - The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple -pole in a complex plane." -% -A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; -The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; -Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, -And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. - -- Robert W. Service -% -A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files -is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. -% -A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. - -- Paul Valery -% -"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich -and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. -% -A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes -to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him -and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross -examine him about his recent diet. - "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be -the problem?" - The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. -Tell me a bit about this missionary." - "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was -walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged -him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." - "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles -the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" -% -A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. -% -A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island -on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed -and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms -with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days -until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief -and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the -spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." -% -A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith -does not prove anything. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. -% -A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. -Kites rise against the wind, not with it. -% -A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who -had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether -various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue -invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, -and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and -asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop -between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex -string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk -was enlightened. - -From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after -string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, -who passed it on to theirs. -% -A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some -time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One -evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through -the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when -the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too -much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. - Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. -The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up -after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled -to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, -silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could -go on to the kitty afterworld complete. - Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know -the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." -% -A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed -a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke -with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked -in as Mr. and Mrs. - After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front -desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed -a bill for $2500. - "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for -only three days." - "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month -and a half." -% -A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. -% -A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere -coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not -to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - -- Dave Barry -% -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% -A chronic disposition to inquiry -deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. -% -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit -will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. -% -A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but -won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - -- Bill Vaughan -% -A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - -- Herbert Prochnow -% -A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. -% -A classic is something that everyone wants to have read -and nobody wants to read. - -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" -% -A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. -% -A closed mouth gathers no foot. -% -A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such -a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the -sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will -know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. - Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose - valuable scientific objectivity. - -2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. - Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the - gentleness and reassurance he can get. - -3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. - Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. - You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into - the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent - disability you may have experienced. - -5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. - It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be - explained in terms that you would understand. - -6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. - Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting - research paper will surely be of widespread interest. -% -A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: - -7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. - You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, - to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. - -8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. - It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. - -9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE - OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. - The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a - sacred duty to protect him from exposure. - -10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. - This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. -% -A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief -as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of -dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. - -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" -% -A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - -- Milton Berle -% -A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, -scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. - -- Parkinson -% -A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. - -- R. Stallman -% -A company is known by the men it keeps. -% -A complex system that works is invariably -found to have evolved from a simple system that works. -% -A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. - -- Victor Hugo -% -[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. - -- Joseph Campbell -% -A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, -with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. - -- Mitch Ratcliffe -% -A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling -the president one of the latest talking computers. -Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question - and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the - speed of light?" -Computer: 186,000 miles per second. -Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" -Computer: George Washington. -President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. - Where is my father?" -Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. -President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty - years ago!" -Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just - landed a twelve pound bass. -% -A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. -% -A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate -cake without ketchup and mustard. -% -A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. -% -A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can -do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. - -- Fred Allen -% -A CONS is an object which cares. - -- Bernie Greenberg. -% -A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -A conservative is a man -who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. - -- Alfred E. Wiggam -% -A conservative is a man -with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -% -A couch is as good as a chair. -% -A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - -- B. Franklin -% -A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the -beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, -one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods -like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game -Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with -his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the -Game Warden finally caught up to him. - "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The -man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing -license. - "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb -as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" - "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back -there, he don't have one!" -% -A cousin of mine once said about money, -money is always there but the pockets change; -it is not in the same pockets after a change, -and that is all there is to say about money. - -- Gertrude Stein -% -A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased -in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at -each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting -and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are -the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. - At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as -well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion -houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four -fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network -of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant -complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main -ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of -this central section. - Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and -colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In -brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two -hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. -% -A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. - -- Whitney Balliett -% -A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels -qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic -in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. -% -A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? -% -A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. -% -A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. -% -A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. -% -A day without sunshine is like night. -% -A dead man cannot bite. - -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) -% -A debugged program is one for which you have -not yet found the conditions that make it fail. - -- Jerry Ogdin -% -A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" -Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of -their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the -society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the -domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness -is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. - -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 -% -A Difficulty for Every Solution. - -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service -% -A diplomat is a man who can convince his -wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. -% -A diplomat is a man who can tell you to -go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. - -- Samuel Clemens -% -A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell -in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. - -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" -% -A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. - -- Robert Frost -% -A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember -your birthday when you never look any older?" -% -A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman -inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest -of her life?" - She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before -the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my -condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". -% -A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. -% -A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have -some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is -that you only have six weeks to live." - "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than -that?" - "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since -last Monday." -% -A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested -waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The -lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional -courtesy," he explained. -% -A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - -- Ogden Nash -% -A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him -what he meant. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to -a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate -a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury -an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." -% -A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. - -- Klipstein -% -A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. -% -A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer -should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around -she deserved. - -- R.A. Heinlein -% -A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox -1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, -the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked -"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a -cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of -the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head -with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. -% -A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - -- Winston Churchill -% -A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. -% -A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty -m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running -alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is -running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty -m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly -takes off and disappears into the distance. - The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, -the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least -sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" - "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's -me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for -dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. -So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could -have a drumstick." - "How do they taste?" said the farmer. - "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch -one yet." -% -A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. -He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought -to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name -should be masculine or feminine. - After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either -Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice. - "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of -them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and -went on their way rather quickly. - He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black -belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." - The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he -asked. - "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were -masculine." - "Unhhh... Well, why not?" - "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want -it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she -go!'" - - [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental - martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] -% -A few hours grace before the madness begins again. -% -A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. -% -A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, -rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked -down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying -on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police -station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, -drowned in the lake!" - "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal -more chain than he can swim with?" -% -A fitter fits; Though sinners sin -A cutter cuts; And thinners thin -And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot -A baby-sitter I've never yet -Baby-sits -- Had letters let -But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. - -A batter bats -(Or scatters scats); -A potting shed's for potting; -But no one's found -A bounder bound -Or caught an otter otting. - -- Ralph Lewin -% -A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood -waiting for a taxi. - "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." - "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." -% -A fool and his honey are soon parted. -% -A fool and his money are soon popular. -% -A fool and your money are soon partners. -% -A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. -A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. -% -A fool must now and then be right by chance. -% -A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block -of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. -% -A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into -superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - -- D. Gries -% -A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. -% -A fox is wolf who sends flowers. - -- Ruth Weston -% -A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. - -- Robert Benchley -% -A friend in need is a pest indeed. -% -A friend is a present you give yourself. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. -You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. - -- Steven Wright -% -A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates -lawyers more than he hates his wife. -% -A friend with weed is a friend indeed. -% -A full belly makes a dull brain. - -- Ben Franklin - - [and the local candy machine man. Ed] -% -A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other -people's demands. -% -A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! -% -A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. -His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. -% -A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained -that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three -assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. -They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they -each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with -the engineer: - -Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? -Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle - blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide - electrical shock to the horse. -G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. -Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves - into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore - cannot be detected in post-race tests. -G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before - I decide what to do. Physicist? - -Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... -% -A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. - -- Evan Esar - [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] -% -A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. - -- Fred Allen -% -A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. -% -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and -a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But -when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* -% -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. -A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. -But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. - -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" -% -A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. - -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" -% -A girl's best friend is her mutter. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- -it merely keeps her from enjoying it. -% -A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like -a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). -% -A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. -Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. -The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it -had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice -firm tuft of grass. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in -the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the -rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between -the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be -penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such -uncontrollable physical phenomena. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A good man always knows his limitations. - -- Harry Callahan -% -A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. - -- Michel de Montaigne -% -A good memory does not equal pale ink. -% -A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, -all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. - -- J. Hawes -% -A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. - -- Patton -% -A good reputation is more valuable than money. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A good scapegoat is hard to find. -% -A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. -% -A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you -call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. -"That's dynamite, baby." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to -you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to -you about yourself. - -- Lisa Kirk -% -A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on -the table after you eat. -% -A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. - -- James Beard -% -A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough -to take it all away. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -A grammarian's life is always intense. -% -A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. - -- B. Franklin -% -A great many people think they are thinking -when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - -- William James -% -A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The -green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that -grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals -indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the -bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled -with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor -of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down -upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department -store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several -of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be -properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of -anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and -geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. - -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" -% -A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals -are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for -not going to church on Sunday. - -- Russell Baker -% -A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. - -- Carolyn Wells -% -A guy has to get fresh once in a while -so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. -% -A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -% -A halted retreat -Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. -To retain people as men -- and maidservants -Brings good fortune. -% -A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. -% -A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. -% -A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. -% -A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own -weight in other people's patience. - -- John Updike -% -A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: - -If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save -a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning -photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would -you use? - - -- Paul Harvey -% -A Hen Brooding Kittens - A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, -a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three -kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring -says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that -she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young -felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at -her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 -% -A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. -% -A holding company is a thing where you hand -an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. -% -A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. - "Hello?" his friend answers. - "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" - "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay -for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the -studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television -series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! -I'm doing *great*! How are you?" - "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." -% -A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? -% -"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book -The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you -talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' --- So I hit him." - -- attributed to Ray Bradbury -% -A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! -% -A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The -Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. - -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. -% -A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - -- Helen Rowland -% -A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? - -- Don Marquis -% -A hypothetical paradox: - What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, -who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial -Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - -- Tom Galloway -% -A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. -C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. -E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. -G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. -I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. -K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. -M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. -O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl -Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. -S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. -W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. -Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. - -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" -% -A is for Apple. - -- Hester Pryne -% -A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and -B is for biff, which reads all your mail. -C is for cc, as hackers recall, while -D is for dd, the command that does all. -E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and -F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. -G is for grep, a clever detective, while -H is for halt, which may seem defective. -I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and -J is for join, which nobody uses. -K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while -L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. -M is for more, from which less was begot, and -N is for nice, which it really is not. -O is for od, which prints out things nice, while -P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. -Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and -R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. -S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while -T is for true, which does very little. -U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and -V is for vi, which is hard to abort. -W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while -X is, well, X, of dubious fame. -Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and -Z is for zcat, which handles compression. - -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX -% -A joint is just tea for two. -% -A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. -% -A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; -Earthen vessels -Simply handed in through the window. -There is certainly no blame in this. -% -A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - -- Robert Frost -% -A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a -good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. -% -A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. -% -A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. - -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess -% -A king's castle is his home. -% -A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, -for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when -words are superfluous. -% -A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. -% -A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. - -- Lillian Day -% -A lady with one of her ears applied -To an open keyhole heard, inside, -Two female gossips in converse free -- -The subject engaging them was she. -"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks -That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" -As soon as no more of it she could hear -The lady, indignant, removed her ear. -"I will not stay," she said with a pout, -"To hear my character lied about!" - -- Gopete Sherany -% -A language that doesn't affect the way you -think about programming is not worth knowing. -% -A language that doesn't have everything is -actually easier to program in than some that do. - -- D.M. Ritchie -% -A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in -the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days -and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state -line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How -do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. - The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, -there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of -110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and -third, make love to an Eskimo woman." - "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of -this here corn liquor?" - "Got one right here," replied the guard. - The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. -"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" - "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout -a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." - The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned -with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was -smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you -want killed?" -% -A large number of installed systems work by fiat. -That is, they work by being declared to work. - -- Anatol Holt -% -A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. -Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured -him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and -quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around -above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, -"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light -where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." -So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other -flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, -"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be -silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck -to the flypaper with all the other flies. - -Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. - -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" -% -A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English - and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. -% -A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. - -- Robert Frost -% -A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. - -- Willis Player -% -A liberal is someone too poor to be a -capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. -% -A lie in time saves nine. -% -A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of -trouble. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. -% -A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. -% -A light wife doth make a heavy husband. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. - -- Aristotle -% -A LISP programmer knows the value of -everything, but the cost of nothing. - -- Alan Perlis -% -A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - -- Don Knuth -% -A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. -% -A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. - -- C.E. Ayres -% -A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" -% -A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad -right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you -know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the -little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, -then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" -% -A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems -have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, -those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are -the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, -APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them -with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. - -- Fred Brooks -% -A little word of doubtful number, -A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. -If you add an "s" to this, -Great is the metamorphosis. -Plural is plural now no more, -And sweet what bitter was before. -What am I? -% -A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. -% -A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. -% -A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. -Buy the negatives at any price. -% -A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. -% -A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Steve Wright -% -A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, -and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. - -- Lew Col -% -A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. - -- Thomas Hardy -% -A major, with wonderful force, -Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. - All the flowers looked round, - But no horse could be found; -So he just rhododendron, of course. -% -A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - -- Carrie Snow -% -A man always needs to remember one thing about -a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. -% -A man always remembers his first love with special -tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. - -- Mencken -% -A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, -who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the -lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, -you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see -her again. Okay?" - "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point -on the side to make it interesting?" -% -A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After -that it's cheating. - -- Yves Montand -% -A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen -or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - -- Joan Rivers -% -A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - -- Du Bois -% -A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. -By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he -was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, - "Is anybody there?" -A deep majestic voice answered, - "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" - "Help me!!" cried the man. - "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and -you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." -The man thought for a moment and cried out: - "Anybody ELSE up there?" -% -A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles -in the road. - -- Alexander Smith -% -A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting -next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* -Polish." - He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." -Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. - "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl -with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with -the joke. - "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" - "Nah," says the man. - "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish -man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" - "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it -five times." -% -A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" -% -A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. - -- Brendan Francis -% -A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another -man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man -whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... -water..." - "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water -with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." - "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." - "They're only four dollars apiece." - "I need *water*." - "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." - "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. - "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, -and he heads off into the distance. - The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. -Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he -sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he -staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. - "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. - "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." -% -A man is known by the company he organizes. - -- A. Bierce -% -A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, -He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. - -- Richard Thompson -% -A man is only as old as the woman he feels. - -- Groucho Marx -% -A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the -longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, -followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred -other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity -no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. - "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, -but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is -the funeral for?" - "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- -in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman -attacked and killed her." - "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you -don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" - "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." -% -A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and -antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not -from around here, are you?" - "No," replies the man with the antennae. - "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, -either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" - "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." - "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got -there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." - "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." - "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that -big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all -Martians have that?" - "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." -% -A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be -bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, -but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. -% -A man may well bring a horse to the water, -but he cannot make him drink with he will. - -- John Heywood -% -A man of genius makes no mistakes. -His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. - -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% -A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. -% -A man said to the Universe: - "Sir, I exist!" - "However," replied the Universe, - "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - -- Stephen Crane -% -A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her -some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before -he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who -might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told -her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to -her aid. - Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly -by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing -in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. - "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. - "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I -just want to get my saddle back!" -% -A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions -he is able to answer. - -- Ronald Colman -% -A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a -late card games. - "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," -he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast -into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and -tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always -wakes up and gives me hell." - "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. - "You do?" - "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, -stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. -`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" - "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. - "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends -she's asleep." -% -A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, - "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, -why did you Di......eeee" -The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, - "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, -carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." - "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, -why....eeeee did you.." - "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? -Tell, me who is buried here?" - "My wife's first husband." -% -A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. - -- Soren Kierkegaard -% -A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn -in no other way. -% -A man who fishes for marlin in ponds -will put his money in Etruscan bonds. -% -A man who likes to lie in bed can usually -find a girl willing to listen to him. -% -A man who turns green has eschewed protein. -% -A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. -% -A man with one watch knows what time it is. -A man with two watches is never quite sure. -% -A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. -% -A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. -% -A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. -% -A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create -destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in -turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man -would deliberately go mad to prove his point. - -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" -% -A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. -% -A man's best friend is his dogma. -% -A man's gotta know his limitations. - -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" -% -A man's house is his castle. - -- Sir Edward Coke -% -A man's house is his hassle. -% -A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. - "It is right before your eyes," said the master. - "Why do I not see it for myself?" - "Because you are thinking of yourself." - "What about you: do you see it?" - "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so -on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. - "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" - "When there is neither `I' nor `You', -who is the one that wants to see it?" -% -A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and -observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As -they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. - The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may -yet save her!!" - The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my -understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water -from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and -6 feet high." - The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." -% -A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - -- P. Erdos -% -A meeting is an event at which the -minutes are kept and the hours are lost. -% -A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, -but to protect the writer. - -- Dean Acheson -% -A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, -and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. - -- Leibniz -% -A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed -on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new -game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the -pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly -along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their -heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn -around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite -direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the -paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin -colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins -fall over gently onto their backs. - -- Audobon Society Magazine -% -A mighty creature is the germ, -Though smaller than the pachyderm. -His customary dwelling place -Is deep within the human race. -His childish pride he often pleases -By giving people strange diseases. -Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? -You probably contain a germ. - -- Ogden Nash -% -A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. -% -A modem is a baudy house. -% -A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, -is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. - -- Goldsmith -% -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good -many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and -the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% -A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen -floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for -its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, -terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! -Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" - Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its -children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, -and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman -proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. - As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, -you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them -purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second -language?" -% -A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, -and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - -- Frost -% -A motion to adjourn is always in order. -% -A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. -% -A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. -% -A musician, an artist, an architect: - the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. - -- William Blake -% -A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. - -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" -% -A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. - -- Gore Vidal -% -A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. - -- Gore Vidal -% -A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. -% -A national debt, if it is not excessive, -will be to us a national blessing. - -- Alexander Hamilton -% -A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on -loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside -the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," -asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" -% -A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon -discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, -still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the -same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at -3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" - The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING -ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" -% -A new koan: - If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. - If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. -It is an ice cream koan. -% -A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. -Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' -now has no excuse for further procrastination. -% -A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time -had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had -come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to -catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust -the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to -it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept -in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. - -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" -% -A New Way of Taking Pills - A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and -having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with -small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks -will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. - -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 -% -A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he -on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges -over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. -As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet -from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. -"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' -you now: Save me, Lord, save me." - Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" - "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." - "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls -to his death. - "DUMB YANKEE." -% -A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered -by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned -out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained -that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused -himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped -the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" - "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the -onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" - "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a -gallon or two." -% -A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. - -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer -% -A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - -- Yogi Berra -% -A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be -passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% -A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, -documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him -one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" - The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has -gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system -crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the -need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. -He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect -within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, -he has entered the mystery of Tao." -% -A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. - -"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. - -The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be -relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes -before replying. - -"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." - -With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved -enlightenment, several years later. - -Commentary: - -His Master is kind, -Answering his FAQ quickly, -With thought and sarcasm. -% -A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. -% -A pain in the ass of major dimensions. - -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits -% -A Parable of Modern Research: - - Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one -brightly lit corner. - "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" - "I can only see here." -% -A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. - -- William S. Burroughs -% -A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -% -A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A pencil with no point needs no eraser. -% -"A penny for your thoughts?" -"A dollar for your death." - -- The Odd Couple -% -A penny saved has not been spent. -% -A penny saved is a penny taxed. -% -A penny saved is ridiculous. -% -A penny saved kills your career in government. -% -A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to -govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures -on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins -itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and -manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. - -- Anatole France -% -A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, -who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never -speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of -unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! - -- Thackeray -% -A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. -% -A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. -% -A person who has both feet planted firmly -in the air can be safely called a liberal. -% -A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. -A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. -% -A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well -schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. - -- Donald Knuth -% -A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. - -- George Wald -% -A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men -gets out and goes into the office. - "I need some four-by-two's," he says. - "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. - The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go -check." - Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the -truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be -acceptable. - "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" - The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go -check," he says. - He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated -conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, -"we're building a house". -% -A pig is a jolly companion, -Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- -A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, -Though mountains may topple and tilt. -When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, -When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, -Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, -You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, -You'll never go wrong with a pig! - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% -A pipe gives a wise man time to think -and a fool something to stick in his mouth. -% -A place for everything and everything in its place. - -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to memory management system services.] -% -A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. - -- Stanley Baldwin -% -A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques -contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain -edible nutriments. -% -A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. -% -A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. -% -A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard -about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his -money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the -finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. - "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," -the teller says. - "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come -to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. - "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. - "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy -paycheck?" - -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 -% -A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, -but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. - -- Jean Paul Sartre -% -A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. - -- Walt Kelly -% -A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. -% -A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. -Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. -But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. - -- Lazarus Long -% -A prediction is worth twenty explanations. - -- K. Brecher -% -A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your -last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something -of yours to press against my heart. - -- Goethe -% -A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. -% -A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. -Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." -% -A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - - And the Master answered: - It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - - It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City -to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns -have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. - - And that is Fate? said the priest. - - Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. - - That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know -what Freight was too. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. - -- George Eliot -% -A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then -asks you not to kill him. - -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 -% -A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -% -A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of -being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of -incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague -assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents -and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of -dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of -annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was -unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. - -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine -% -A programming language is low level -when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. -% -A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to -drink with -- even if he drank. - -- Mencken -% -A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a -watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he -looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his -tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were -they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led -by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, -killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting -could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle -emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of -the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." -% -A promiscuous person is usually someone who is -getting more sex than you are. - -- Victor Lownes -% -A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female -by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. - -- Aristotle -% -A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions -your wife asks you for nothing. - -- Joey Adams -% -A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that -your wife will give you for free. -% -A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as -"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if -the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants -to make a travesty of the game. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans -over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" - The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a -Bishop." - "Well, could you get any higher than that?" - "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I -might be made an Archbishop." - "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" - "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." - "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" - Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could -be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." - "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go -up from being the Pope?" - "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" - The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." -% -A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results -blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. - -- Steel City News -% -A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the -entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having -his neighbour notice it. - -- Trygve Lie -% -A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, -commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. - The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it -the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of -field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living -room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling -beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." - Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer -looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too -obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." -% -A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. -A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. -% -A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. - -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. -% -A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking -ticket and rejoices that the system works. -% -A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen -objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer -scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration -needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. -% -A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other -people what to do with their money. - -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) -% -A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. - -- Ramsey Clark -% -A robin redbreast in a cage -Puts all Heaven in a rage. - -- Blake -% -A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single -man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -A rolling disk gathers no MOS. -% -A rolling stone gathers momentum. -% -A rolling stone gathers no moss. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who -demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" -holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. -Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. - -- Plutarch -% -A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It -weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a -banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. -The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as -the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) -is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the -monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, -plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the -weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as -the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she -she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother -will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice -as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it -was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was -when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? -% -A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of -PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, -Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's -with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to -joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its -drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked -up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very -good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not -true. I'm very good in beds as well." -% -A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. -If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. - -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars -% -A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. -% -A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. -Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. - -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" - -I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. - -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind - the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down - on Broadway". -% -A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper -vocation?" - The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of -their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is -the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, -such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for -their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of -the vocation must fit the individual. - "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the -scholar sobbed. - Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" -% -A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and -making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually -die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. - -- Max Planck -% -A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from -the vexation of thinking. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 -% -A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness -of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving -water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness -of this necessary reorganization of our lives. - -It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the -recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the -ground. - -- J.W.N. Sullivan -% -A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep -him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are -worth committing. - -- Samuel Butler -% -A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. - -- Don Marquis -% -A Severe Strain on the Credulity - As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the -highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket -is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the -multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... -for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its -flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the -charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in -Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not -know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something -better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to -lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 -% -A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist -thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the -problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male -aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy -away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's -participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility -will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to -men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to -idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by -the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own -submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to -is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. - -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" -% -A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% -A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. - -- Prof. Steiner -% -A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. -All tenderly his messenger he chose; -Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- -One perfect rose. - -I knew the language of the floweret; -"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." -Love long has taken for his amulet -One perfect rose. - -Why is it no one ever sent me yet -One perfect limousine, do you suppose? -Ah no, it's always just my luck to get -One perfect rose. - -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" -% -A sinking ship gathers no moss. - -- Donald Kaul -% -A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. -% -A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. -% -A snake lurks in the grass. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North -African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. -Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. -% -A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, -the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society -which is on its way out. - -- L. Ron Hubbard -% -A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. - -- Proverbs 15:1 -% -A soft drink turneth away company. -% -A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg -that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% -A song in time is worth a dime. -% -A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the -family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks -when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, -and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: - "How are you?" they ask. - "Oh, I'm fine," he says. - "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" - "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here -that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause -he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand -dollars." - The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary -Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue -at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure -enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is -"Where's Old Blue?" - "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was -talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, -well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her -that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these -years?'" - The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" -% -A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. -% -A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high -probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that -the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. -Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. -% -A stitch in time saves nine. -% -"...A strange enigma is man!" -"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. - "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked -that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he -becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what -any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number -will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says -the statistician." - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" -% -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -% -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - -- O'Henry -% -A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. -As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the -student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before -the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit -the student with a stick. -% -A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. -% -A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. -% -A successful tool is one that was used to do something -undreamed of by its author. - -- S.C. Johnson -% -A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first -thought of. - -- Burt Bacharach -% -A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) - -- by Charles Dickens - - A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. - -The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) - -- by Franz Kafka - - A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. - -Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) - -- by J.R.R. Tolkien - - Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. - -Hamlet LITE(tm) - -- by Wm. Shakespeare - - A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy - girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. -% -A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) - -- by Charles Dickens - - A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just - like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean - lady who knits. - -Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) - -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - - A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later - feels guilty and apologizes. - -The Odyssey LITE(tm) - -- by Homer - - After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. -% -A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. -% -A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. - -- Michael Winner, British film director -% -A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes -of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around -*Boston*." - "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. - "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for -help?" -% -A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." -% -A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything -but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -A transistor protected by a fast-acting -fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. -% -A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three -wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. -Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer -sitting in the yard watching the pig. - "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. - "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter -was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that -pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." - "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. - "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on -the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. -That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. -Saved my life." - "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has -three wooden legs?" - The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you -got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." -% -A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother -drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. - -- Shaw -% -A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -A truth that's told with bad intent -Beats all the lies you can invent. - -- William Blake -% -A university is what a college becomes -when the faculty loses interest in students. - -- John Ciardi -% -A vacuum is a hell of a lot better -than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - -- Tennessee Williams -% -A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -A violent man will die a violent death. - -- Lao Tsu -% -A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. -% -A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. -% -A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. -% -A waist is a terrible thing to mind. - -- Ziggy -% -A watched clock never boils. -% -A well adjusted person is one who makes -the same mistake twice without getting nervous. -% -A well-known friend is a treasure. -% -A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. -A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. -Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. -Software rots if not used. - -These are great mysteries. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. - -- Addison -% -A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there -*for the rest of your life*. - -- Jim Samuels -% -A wise man can see more from a mountain top -than a fool can from the bottom of a well. -% -A wise man can see more from the bottom -of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. -% -A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. - -- Chinese proverb -% -A witty saying proves nothing. - -- Voltaire -% -A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, -let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that -there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, -completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of -beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. -It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club -near your person at all times. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII -% -A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it -were quite a struggle. - -- Edna Ferber -% -A woman can never be too rich or too thin. -% -A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. -To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. - -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" -% -A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. - -- Scott -% -A woman, especially if she have the misfortune -of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - -- Jane Austen -% -A woman forgives the audacity of which -her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. - -- LeSage -% -A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be -thankful for a good one. - -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings -% -A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, -she follows. - -- Chamfort -% -A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to -endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - -- Nietzsche -% -A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times -over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of -pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. - -- Stendhal -% -A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither -physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even -when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." - -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 -% -A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. - -- Maurine Lewis -% -A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor -came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." - "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. - "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son -(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." - Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no -one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of -a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under -the circumstances. - One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a -phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected -an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto -his head!" - The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung -up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* -surprise for you!" - "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. -% -A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. - -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" -% -A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. -% -A word to the wise is enough. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing -that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker -watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm -myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself -and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" -"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process -to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. -% -A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call -what he writes fiction. - -- William Faulkner -% -A yawn is a silent shout. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. -% -A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new -bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." - -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 -% -A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted -a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to -have that!" she gushed. - "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the -window and grabbing the ring. - A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What -I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. - "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing -the coat. - Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do -anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. - "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" -% -A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and -walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous -woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and -says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll -allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." - The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some -pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. - "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" - "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that -I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." - The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, -calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks -at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I -can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" - "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out -of the store with the woman following him in a daze. - The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. -The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell -you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." - "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a -terrific weekend." -% -A young man wrote to Mozart and said: - -Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any - suggestions as to how to get started?" -A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with - some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." -Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." -A: "But I never asked anybody how." -% -A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. -% -AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! -You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! -% -Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. -% -Abbott's Admonitions: - 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. - 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked - the question. - -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia -% -Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went -on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. -% -Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) -Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, -And saw, within the moonlight in his room, -Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, -An angel writing in a book of gold. -Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, -And to the presence in the room he said, -"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, -And with a look made of all sweet accord, -Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." -"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," -Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, -But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, -Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." -The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night -It came again with a great wakening light, -And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, -And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. - -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" -% -About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. -% -About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. -% -About the only thing we have left that actually -discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. -% -About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt -ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Above all else - sky. -% -Above all things, reverence yourself. -% -Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. -% -ABSCOND: - To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside - of a dying relative and miss the return train. -% -abscond, v: - To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative - and miss the return train. -% -Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases -great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -Absence in love is like water upon fire; -a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. - -- Hannah More -% -Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, -it enkindles the great. -% -Absence makes the heart forget. -% -Absence makes the heart go wander. -% -Absence makes the heart grow fonder. - -- Sextus Aurelius -% -Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. -% -Absence makes the heart grow frantic. -% -ABSENT: - Exposed to the attacks of friends and - acquaintances; defamed; slandered. -% -ABSENTEE: - A person with an income who has had the forethought - to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. -% -Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. -% -Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) - -- Stafford Beer -% -ABSTAINER: - A weak person who yields to the - temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -% -Abstract: - This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group -of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar -and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar -men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than -their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was -evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF -test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual -performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve -immediately when tight neckwear was removed. - -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the - Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, - #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. -% -ABSURDITY: - A statement or belief manifestly - inconsistent with one's own opinion. -% -Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, -because the stakes are so low. - -- Wallace Sayre -% -Academicians care, that's who. -% -ACADEMY: - A modern school where football is taught. -INSTITUTE: - An archaic school where football is not taught. -% -Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. -% -Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. -% -ACCEPTANCE TESTING: - An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. -% -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic -of Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Accident: - A condition in which presence of mind is good, - but absence of body is better. - -- Foolish Dictionary -% -Accidentally Shot - Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, -in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to -bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the -Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 -% -Accidents cause History. - -If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the -Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not -have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil -could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and -the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something -everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the -national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in -smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and -most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly -that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for -Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around -parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox -decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have -a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly -sheepish grin" comes from. -% -According to all the latest reports, -there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. -% -According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person -shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than -fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening -of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of -the returns." -% -According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, -and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms -and a void. - -- Democritus, 400 B.C. -% -According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo -% -According to the latest official figures, -43% of all statistics are totally worthless. -% -According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in -America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. -Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could -beat up their city anytime. - -- David Letterman -% -ACCORDION: - A bagpipe with pleats. -% -ACCURACY: - The vice of being right. -% -Acid -- better living through chemistry. -% -Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. -% -Acquaintance, n: - A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well - enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the - object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. -% -Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh -and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, -well, I think of my sex life. - -- Glenda Jackson -% -Actor Real Name - -Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt -Cary Grant Archibald Leach -Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg -Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman -John Wayne Marion Morrison -Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch -Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. -Roy Rogers Leonard Slye -Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg -% -Actor: So what do you do for a living? -Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving - dishes for Chinese restaurants. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. - -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely - New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 -% -Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. -% -Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator -will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: - -N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator - only have one floor to go to. - -Assume true for N, prove for N+1: - If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the - induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you - and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, - it is true for all N+1 floors. -QED. -% -Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) -% -ADA: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in - Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop - an ADA awareness. - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% -ADA: - Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. - Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." -% -ADA, n.: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in -Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA -awareness." -% -Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. -[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] - -- Ovid -% -Adding features does not necessarily increase -functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. -% -Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" - -Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by -close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and -scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. - -- George Washington, 1732-1799 -% -Adding sound to movies would be like -putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. - -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 -% -Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done -something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a -decorous age. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Adler's Distinction: - Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, - and from the bureaucrats. -% -ADMIRATION: - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -% -ADOLESCENCE: - The stage between puberty and adultery. -% -ADORE: - To venerate expectantly. -% -ADULT: - One old enough to know better. -% -Adults die young. -% -Advancement in position. -% -Advertisements contain the only -truths to be relied on in a newspaper. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. - -- George Orwell -% -Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human -intelligence long enough to get money from it. -% -Advertising Rule: - In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the - reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, - that it is curable. -% -Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. -% -Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. -% -African violet: Such worth is rare -Apple blossom: Preference -Bachelor's button: Celibacy -Bay leaf: I change but in death -Camelia: Reflected loveliness -Chrysanthemum, red: I love -Chrysanthemum, white: Truth -Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love -Clover: Be mine -Crocus: Abuse not -Daffodil: Innocence -Forget-me-not: True love -Fuchsia: Fast -Gardenia: Secret, untold love -Honeysuckle: Bonds of love -Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage -Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality -Leaves (dead): Melancholy -Lilac: Youthful innocence -Lilly: Purity, sweetness -Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness -Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance - * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. -% -After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European -comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, -except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything -is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, -under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is -permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, -especially that which is prohibited. - -- Newton Minow, - Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 -% -After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. -It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life -more advanced than the lichen family. - -- Dave Barry -% -After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. -% -After a while you learn the subtle difference -Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, -And you learn that love doesn't mean security, -And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts -And presents aren't promises -And you begin to accept your defeats -With your head up and your eyes open, -With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, -And you learn to build all your roads -On today because tomorrow's ground -Is too uncertain. And futures have -A way of falling down in midflight, -After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. -So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting -For someone to bring you flowers. -And you learn that you really can endure... -That you really are strong, -And you really do have worth -And you learn and learn -With every goodbye you learn. - -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" -% -After all, all he did was string together -a lot of old, well-known quotations. - -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare -% -After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -% -After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. - -- Jean Giraudoux -% -After all my erstwhile dear, -My no longer cherished, -Need we say it was not love, -Just because it perished? - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% -After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for -you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply -sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -After an instrument has been assembled, -extra components will be found on the bench. -% -After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the -month than you did before. -% -After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names -have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, -James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important -electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this -is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg -of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even -though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. -Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian -medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been -seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and -watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact -that it sinks like a stone. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from -Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, -and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon -to be created." - "This is true," He replied. - "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. - "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the -right to make his laws?" - "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make -his own." - It was so granted. -% -After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, -claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life -in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his -bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the -judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. - When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, -Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with -this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you -take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for -perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" - "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to -Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- -where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." -% -After living in New York, you trust nobody, -but you believe everything. Just in case. -% -...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles -Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years -I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, -and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the -Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they -did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the -development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with -one foot in his mouth.) - -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" -% -After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. - -- Italian proverb -% -After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught -by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease -with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers -carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. - -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 -% -After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access -cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. -% -After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that -throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey -Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, -at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for -his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject -with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions -that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in -Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the -first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on -single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. -According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on -the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic -charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. - -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" - -Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really -precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the -Nobel Prize in 1923. -% -After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with -the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only -the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of -any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried -deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... - -The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The -Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. -But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line -or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie -burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the -neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an -oriental woman who seemed to be in control." - -Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and -straight to the point. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, -indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. -% -After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! -% -AFTERNOON: - That part of the day we spend worrying - about how we wasted the morning. -% -Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. -% -Against Idleness and Mischief - -How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! -Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! -And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well -From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. - -In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, -I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, -For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day -For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. - -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 -% -Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. - -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 -% -Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. -% -Age is a tyrant who forbids, -at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. -% -Agnes' Law: - Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. -% -Agree with them now, it will save so much time. -% -Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, -Or what's a heaven for ? - -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" -% -Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, -"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" -And I answer them most mysteriously: -"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" - -- Bob Dylan -% -Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! -% -Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! -% -Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. -% -Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It -excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. -% -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. -Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. -Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. -% -Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. - -- W. Clement Stone -% -Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. - -- The Mad Dogtender -% -Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but -bring me a message from a young man. - -- Moms Mabley -% -"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to -Kansas City." - -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd - been traded. -% -AIR: - A nutritious substance supplied by - a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Air Force Inertia Axiom: - Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. -% -Air is water with holes in it. -% -Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. -% -Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. - -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, - Ecole Superieure de Guerre -% -Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. - -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" -% -Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether -machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about -as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Alas, how love can trifle with itself! - -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" -% -Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] -% -ALASKA: - A prelude to "No." -% -Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself -or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has -a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and -Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. - -- Tom Robbins -% -ALBRECHT'S LAW: - Social innovations tend to the level - of minimum tolerable well-being. -% -Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. -The surest poison is time. - -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" -% -Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Alden's Laws: - 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause - of pregnancy. - 2: Always be backlit. - 3: Sit down whenever possible. -% -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, -Aleph-null bottles of beer, -You take one down, and pass it around, -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. -% -Alex Haley was adopted! -% -Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well -in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. -% -Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was -the closest our country has ever been to being even. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. - -- Philippe Schnoebelen -% -Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. -% -Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most -important programming language yet developed. - -- T. Cheatham -% -ALGORITHM: - Trendy dance for hip programmers. -% -Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. -% -Alimony is a system by which, when two people -make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. - -- Peggy Joyce -% -Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. - -- Arthur Baer -% -Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. - -- Norman Mailer -% -Alimony is the high cost of leaving. -% -Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. -% -Alive without breath, -As cold as death; -Never thirsty, ever drinking, -All in mail ever clinking. -% -All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. -% -All art is but imitation of nature. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -% -All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of - Catiline", by Sallust -% -All constants are variables. -% -All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. - -- Chou En Lai -% -All flesh is grass. - -- Isaiah -Smoke a friend today. -% -All generalizations are false, including this one. - -- Mark Twain -% -All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, -barely presentable. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -All Gods were immortal. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -All great discoveries are made by mistake. - -- Young -% -All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. -% -All heiresses are beautiful. - -- John Dryden -% -All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, -to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. - -- Yoda -% -All hope abandon, ye who enter here! - -- Dante Alighieri -% -All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. -% -All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, -ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. - -- Kingfish -% -All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that -makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and -an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -All I need to have a good time, -Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. -With those three things I don't need no sunshine, -A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. - -All I want is to never grow old, -I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. -I want 97 kilos already rolled, -I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. - -I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, -I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. -I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, -I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. - -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" -% -All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -All intelligent species own cats. -% -All is fear in love and war. -% -All is well that ends well. - -- John Heywood -% -All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the -throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be -practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie -Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers -that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, -that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. -% -All kings is mostly rapscallions. - --Mark Twain -% -All laws are simulations of reality. - -- John C. Lilly -% -All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. - -- Dawkins -% -All men have the right to wait in line. -% -All men know the utility of useful things; -but they do not know the utility of futility. - -- Chuang-tzu -% -All men profess honesty as long as they can. -To believe all men honest would be folly. -To believe none so is something worse. - -- John Quincy Adams -% -All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, -a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. -Definitely a dog. -% -All most people ask of life is a constant -and exaggerated sense of their own importance. -% -All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. -% -All my friends and I are crazy. -That's the only thing that keeps us sane. -% -All my friends are getting married, -Yes, they're all growing old, -They're all staying home on the weekend, -They're all doing what they're told. -% -All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - -- Jane Wagner -% -ALL NEW: - Parts not interchangeable with previous model. -% -All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from -the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. -% -All of the animals except man know that -the principal business of life is to enjoy it. -% -All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs -synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to -rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all -of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - -- Stephen Wright -% -All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a -Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, -tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: -"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." - -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" -% -All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the -parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you -can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do -not use a hammer. - -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 -% -All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. - -- Groucho Marx -% -All phone calls are obscene. - -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon -% -All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. - -- Susan Sontag -% -All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts -those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds -of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end -goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, -and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, -the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found -the last bug." - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" -% -All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -% -All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism -to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" -% -All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -All seems condemned in the long run -to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. - -- James Martin -% -All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. - -- Saint Patrick -% -All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. -% -All that glitters has a high refractive index. -% -All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. -% -All that is gold does not glitter, -Not all those who wander are lost; -The old that is strong does not wither, -Deep roots are not reached by the frost. -From the ashes a fire shall be woken, -A light from the shadows shall spring; -Renewed shall be blade that was broken, -The crownless again shall be king. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, -provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe -to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct -the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief -Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you -going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" - -- Dave Barry -% -All the evidence concerning the universe -has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. -% -All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, -It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen -With all the words gone, They all had their day -What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' - -But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, -And all the lines read, So small and so tender -There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, -And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. - -It reminds me of days of So what is this line -Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown -It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle -And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? - -I've read all the greats -Both starving and fat, -But none was as great as -"I tot I taw a puddy tat." - -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" -% -All the men on my staff can type. - -- Bella Abzug -% -...all the modern inconveniences... - -- Mark Twain -% -All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. - -- Grant Wood -% -All the simple programs have been written. -% -All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. -% -All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. - -- Sean O'Casey -% -All the world's a VAX, -And all the coders merely butchers; -They have their exits and their entrails; -And one int in his time plays many widths, -His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, -Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. -And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, -And shining morning face, creeping like slug -Unwillingly to school. - -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 -% -All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. -% -All things being equal, you are bound to lose. -% -All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. - -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" -% -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, -it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. - -- Henry Tyroon -% -All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. -% -All warranty and guarantee clauses -become null and void upon payment of invoice. -% -All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each -other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. -This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with -our lives." - -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" -% -All who joy would win Must share it -- -Happiness was born a twin. - -- Lord Byron -% -All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. -% -Allen's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -Alliance, n: - In international politics, the union of two thieves who - have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket - that they cannot safely plunder a third. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -All's well that ends. -% -Almost anything derogatory you could say -about today's software design would be accurate. - -- K.E. Iverson -% -ALONE: - In bad company. -% -Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had -to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. -% -alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. -ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. -baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. -Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. -baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. -beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often - found in baas. -caaa, n: An automobile. -centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or - someone involved with the Knicks.) -chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. -dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or - computation. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for -buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham -Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that -reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. - "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I -bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. -"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" - -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 -% -Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been -reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day -life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor -minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the -apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties -of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade -through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour -those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this -reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical -Gamekeeping." - -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 -% -Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. -% -Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - -- Mark Twain -% -Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. -% -Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. -% -Always run from a knife and rush a gun. - -- Jimmy Hoffa -% -Always store beer in a dark place. -% -Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -Always there remain portions of our heart -into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. -% -Always think of something new; this -helps you forget your last rotten idea. - -- Seth Frankel -% -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to - end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. -% -AMAZING BUT TRUE... - There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it - were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. -% -AMBIDEXTROUS: - Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -% -AMBIGUITY: - Telling the truth when you don't mean to. -% -Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - -- Charlie McCarthy -% -Ambition, n: - An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while - living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -America: born free and taxed to death. -% -America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? - -- Allen Ginsberg -% -America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, -and the scum rises to the top. - -- Utah Phillips -% -America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. - -- President John F. Kennedy - -The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not -be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but -living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil -Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. - -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson - -The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that -from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult -to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the -Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights -of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised -by the majority they were at the time. - -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren -% -America is the country where you buy a lifetime -supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. -% -America may be unique in being a country which has leapt -from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - -- John O'Hara -% -America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until -people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its -name to "America". - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" -% -American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees -be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who -are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room -and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. - -- Dave Barry -% -American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. -% -American cars are made shoddily... -Cars made overseas are far superior. - -- Sen. Barry Goldwater -% -[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything -we allow them short of hanging. - -- Samuel Johnson - -America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its -tail it knocks over a chair. - -- Arnold Toynbee - -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% -Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. -% -Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out -to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. - -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" -% -America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. -% -Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. -% -AMOEBIT: - Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply - and divide at the same time. -% -Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. - -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. -% -Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. -% -An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. - -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live -% -An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. - -- Marlon Brando -% -An Ada exception is when a routine gets -in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. -% -An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. -% -An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of -his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and -asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" - Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" -% -An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - -- D.E. Knuth -% -An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad -to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. - -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 -% -An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment -to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to -and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. - -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English - language. -% -An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. - -- A Chinese child -% -An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize -winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that -over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the -open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not -let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, - "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, -do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" -Bohr chuckled. - "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am -scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told -that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." -% -An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian -about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. - -American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you - get to work?" -Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public - transportation everywhere." -A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" -R: "We take the train." -A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" -R: "We don't ever want go abroad." -A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" -R: "We take tanks." -% -An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize -the president but is always polite to traffic cops. -% -An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to -New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but -not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - -- David Letterman -% -An aphorism is never exactly true; -it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. - -- Karl Kraus -% -An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat -him last. - -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 -% -An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -% -An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. -% -An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -An attachment a la Plato -for a bashful young potato -or a, not too French, french bean -must excite your languid spleen. -For, if you walk down Picadilly -with a poppy or lily -in your medieval hand, -every one will say, -as you walk your flowery way; -"If this young man is content, -with a vegetable love -which would certainly not content me. -Why, what a very pure young man -this pure young man must be!" - -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" - [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] -% -An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree -murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's -mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. -Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the -suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a -murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." -% -An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. -% -An economist is a man who would marry -Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. -% -An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. -% -An efficient and a successful administration manifests -itself equally in small as in great matters. - -- W. Churchill -% -An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, -in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. - -- Homer Ferguson -% -An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane -when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When -several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a -despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his -usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. - "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband -barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but -I've already paid them half of it." - "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed -euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" -% -An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. -% -An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an -anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt -already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the -engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later -the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now -has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the -mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he -was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of -humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too -trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. -% -An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. -% -An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - -- A.P. Herbert -% -An evil mind is a great comfort. -% -An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears -a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised -only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich -Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in -incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote -excellence: - -"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and -discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able -to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting -things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch -parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a -timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who -doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. -Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high -school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as -successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and -they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often -picturesque liar. - -- Mark Twain -% -An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a -very narrow field. - -- Niels Bohr -% -An expert is a person who avoids the small errors -as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. - -- Benjamin Stolberg -% -An expert is one who knows more and more about less -and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. -% -An eye in a blue face -Saw an eye in a green face. -"That eye is like this eye" -Said the first eye, -"But in low place, -Not in high place." -% -An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort -Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. -A manly man, to be a wizard able; -Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. -His console, when he typed, a man might hear -Clicking and feeping wind as clear, -Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell -Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. -The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor -As old and strict he tended to ignore; -He let go by the things of yesterday -And took the modern world's more spacious way. -He did not rate that text as a plucked hen -Which says that Hackers are not holy men. -And that a hacker underworked is a mere -Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. -That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. -That was a text he held not worth an oyster. -And I agreed and said his views were sound; -Was he to study till his head wend round -Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil -As Andy bade and till the very soil? -Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? -Let Andy have his labor to himself! - -- Chaucer - [well, almost. Ed.] -% -An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. - -- Simon Cameron - -There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When -bought they stay bought. - -- Bill Moyers -% -An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. -% -An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. - -- Henry Ford -% -An idle mind is worth two in the bush. -% -An infallible method of conciliating a tiger -is to allow oneself to be devoured. - -- Konrad Adenauer -% -An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. - -- Albert Camus -% -An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if -each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the -function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated -by the corresponding row and column labels. - -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial - Intelligence" -% -An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity -in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. - "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if -you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like -an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an -hour seems like a minute." - The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a -moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - -- Arthur Naiman -% -An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and -great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of -a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors -have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four -hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming -of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." - "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. -"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." - A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of -strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." - One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old -man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. - "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. - "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the -funeral." -% -An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. - -- Don Marquis -% -An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. -A pessimist is a married optimist. -% -An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. -% -An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. - -- Michael Korda -% -An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. - -- Spanish proverb -% -Anarchy may not be a better form of government, -but it's better than no government at all. -% -And all that the Lorax left here in this mess -was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." -Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. -That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, -I've worried and worried and worried away. -Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, -I've worried about it with all of my heart. - -"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, -the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! -UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, -nothing is going to get better - it's not. -So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. -"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! - -"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. -And truffula trees are what everyone needs. -Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. -Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. -Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. -Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" -% -And as we stand on the edge of darkness -Let our chant fill the void -That others may know - - In the land of the night - The ship of the sun - Is drawn by - The grateful dead. - -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. -% -And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh.' - -- Dave Barry -% -And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh." - -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" -% -And did those feet, in ancient times, -Walk upon England's mountains green? -And was the Holy Lamb of God -In England's pleasant pastures seen? -And did the Countenance Divine -Shine forth upon these crowded hills? -And was Jerusalem builded here -Among these dark satanic mills? - -Bring me my bow of burning gold! -Bring me my arrows of desire! -Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! -Bring me my chariot of fire! -I shall not cease from mental fight, -Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, -Till we have built Jerusalem -In England's green and pleasant land. - -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" -% -And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? -% -And ever has it been known that -love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, -"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red -to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in -greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he -spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and -he shouted out, "YOPP!" - And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! -Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! -They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what -I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their -whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" - "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now -on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect -them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From -the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect -them. No matter how small-ish!" - -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" -% -And here I wait so patiently -Waiting to find out what price -You have to pay to get out of -Going thru all of these things twice - -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" -% -And I alone am returned to wag the tail. -% -And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, -"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" -% -And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big -ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The -little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about -them, aren't braced against them. - -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" -% -And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! -My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez -Addams -- he was good for nothing." - -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family -% -And if California slides into the ocean, -Like the mystics and statistics say it will. -I predict this motel will be standing, -Until I've paid my bill. - -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" -% -And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, -"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! -% -And if you wonder, -What I am doing, -As I am heading for the sink. -I am spitting out all the bitterness, -Along with half of my last drink. -% -And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, -Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. - -- Joan Baez -% -And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing -what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. - -- David Jones -% -And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. - -- A.E. Housman -% -And miles to go before I sleep. -% -And now for something completely the same. -% -And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty -And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, -The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, -And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. - -We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence -The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, -But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, -Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- - -Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage -And code in a queue Have been biding their time, -Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, -We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. - -Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. -We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. -Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. -You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean - hand... -% -And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. -% -And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. -% -...and report cards I was always afraid to show -Mama'd come to school -and as I'd sit there softly cryin' -Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' -Got a good head if he'd apply it -but you know yourself -it's always somewhere else -I'd build me a castle -with dragons and kings -and I'd ride off with them -As I stood by my window -and looked out on those -Brooklyn roads - -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" -% -And so it was, later, -As the miller told his tale, -That her face, at first just ghostly, -Turned a whiter shade of pale. - -- Procol Harum -% -And that's the way it is... - -- Walter Cronkite -% -And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, -turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, -the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no -clothes! He is naked!" - -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" -% -And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that -black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and -penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while -white children begin with a small separation but increase it during -growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. - -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" -% -And the silence came surging softly backwards -When the plunging hooves were gone... - -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" -% -And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man -with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. -% -And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal -rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, -which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced -in design as one will find anywhere in the world. - -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" -% -And this is good old Boston, -The home of the bean and the cod, -Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, -And the Cabots talk only to God. -% -And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. - -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version -% -And we heard him exclaim -As he started to roam: -"I'm a hologram, kids, -please don't try this at home!'" - -- Bob Violence -% -And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical -ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's -Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the -economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to -give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size -of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU -exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails -and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic -without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long -afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average -loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious -engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly -shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. - -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" -% -And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? - She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. - Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine - All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" - -- The Grateful Dead -% -And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to -have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon -the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let -loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: -in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest -license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. - -- Charles Dickens -% -And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have -a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks -tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets -tragedy face to face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, - "Root Crops and Ground Cover" -% -And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, -because the bars close every time you're thirsty... -% -"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for -you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going -and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said -he, earnestly. - -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" -% -Andrea's Admonition: - Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. - If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, - it isn't and he can. -% -ANDROPHOBIA: - Fear of men. -% -Anger is momentary madness. - -- Horace -% -Anger kills as surely as the other vices. -% -Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. -Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Ankh if you love Isis. -% -Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! - -Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! - -Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with -just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, -cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all -at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans -think you can, and that's the point, right?) -% -ANOINT: - To grease a king or other great - functionary already sufficiently slippery. -% -Another day, another dollar. - -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, - upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald - Reagan. -% -Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Another megabytes the dust. -% -Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but -television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and -world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers -whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" -% -Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. - -- Pyrrhus -% -Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. - -- Proverbs, 26:5 -% -Anthony's Law of the Workshop: - Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible - corner of the workshop. - -Corollary: - On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike - your toes. -% -Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. -Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. -% -Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. -% -Antonio Antonio -Was tired of living alonio -He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio -Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio -Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid - In a bowery shade, - Sitting and knitting alonio. -Antonio Antonio -Said if you will be my ownio -I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio -And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio -An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish - You singular fish - Is that you will quickly begonio. -Antonio Antonio -Uttered a dismal moanio -And went off and hid -Or I'm told that he did -in the Antarctical Zonio. -% -ANTONYM: - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. -% -Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig -[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off -Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast -cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. -Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on -them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. - -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast - cars across Europe. -% -Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts -which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. -% -Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - -- Charles McCabe -% -Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a -mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside -than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? -And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? -Is there a better way to die? - -- Charles Lindbergh -% -Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - -- Aesop -% -Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this -country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. -% -Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a -wise person to be able to sell it. -% -Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know -how to lie well. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look -stupid. - -- Hedy Lamarr -% -Any given program, when running, is obsolete. -% -Any given program will expand to fill available memory. -% -Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- -a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my -grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the -fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly -true. - -- Solomon Short -% -Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. -% -Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit -rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out -of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that -requires a heroism which is transcendent. - -- Henry Ward Beecher -% -Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. - -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields -% -Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be -liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall -be deemed to be a cat. - -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London -% -"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. -"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone -qualified who is willing to accept the post." - "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I -can at least make a decision." - "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic -young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most -up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." - -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" -% -Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. - -- Sydney Harris -% -Any president should have the right to shoot -at least two people a year without explanation. - -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press -% -Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Any program which runs right is obsolete. -% -Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. -% -Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain -just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you -cannot see the mountain. - -- Bene Gesserit proverb -% -Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. -Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. -From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. - -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" -% -Any small object that is accidentally -dropped will hide under a larger object. -% -Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - -- Arthur Clarke -% -Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. -% -Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen -has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. - -- J.P. Morgan -% -Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years -organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. - -- David Broder -% -Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the -sight of a police car is probably parked. -% -Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. -% -Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right -person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose -and in the right way -- that is not easy. - -- Aristotle -% -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is -supposed to be doing. -% -Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the -first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no -explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for -intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of -thought on every occasion." - -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) -% -Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. -% -Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. -At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, -bathe and not make messes in the house. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. - -- R. Heinlein -% -Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you -that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" -is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime -mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. - -- Elizabeth Zwicky -% -Anyone who has had a bull by the tail -knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. - -- Mark Twain -% -Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time -as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. - -- Philippus Paracelsus -% -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President -should on no account be allowed to do the job. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, -recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one -particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% -Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Anything anybody can say about America is true. - -- Emmett Grogan -% -Anything cut to length will be too short. -% -Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. -% -Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. -% -Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. -% -Anything is possible on paper. - -- Ron McAfee -% -Anything is possible, unless it's not. -% -Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. -The label means the price went up. -The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" -means the price went way up. -% -Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto -undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. - -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" -% -Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. -% -Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. -% -Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this -big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- -nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy -cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go -over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're -going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do -all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, -but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. - -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" -% -Apathy Club meeting this Friday. -If you want to come, you're not invited. -% -APHASIA: - Loss of speech in social scientists when asked - at parties, "But of what use is your research?" -% -aphorism, n.: - A concise, clever statement. -afterism, n.: - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - -- James Alexander Thom -% -APL hackers do it in the quad. -% -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the -future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation -of coding bums. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; -...and is best for educational purposes. - -- A. Perlis -% -APL is a write-only language. I can write programs -in APL, but I can't read any of them. - -- Roy Keir -% -Appearances often are deceiving. - -- Aesop -% -APPENDIX: - A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. -% -Applause, n: - The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -April is the cruellest month... - -- Thomas Stearns Eliot -% -AQUADEXTROUS: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub - faucet on and off with your toes. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -aquadextrous, adj.: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off -with your toes. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. - You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be - careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over - and over again. People think you are stupid. -% -AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) - A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely - on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot - of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on - payday. Stop wetting your bed. -% -AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) - You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what - you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. - As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your - relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be - able to lend you a few bucks. -% -Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential -ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common -cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking -cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, -then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've -never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. - -- Peter Nelson -% -Are we not men? -% -Are we running light with overbyte? -% -Are Women Human? -In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men -representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. -The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one -vote. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. - Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? - If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? - Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? - Aren't you ashamed of yourself? - Don't you know any better? - How could you be so stupid? - If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. - You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. - If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Do as I say, not as I do. - Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. - What did you do *this* time? - If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. - When I was your age... - I won't love you if you keep doing that. - Think of all the starving children in India. - If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. - I'm going to kill you. - Way to go, clumsy. - If you don't like it, you can lump it. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Go away. You bother me. - Why? Because life is unfair. - That's a nice drawing. What is it? - Children should be seen and not heard. - You'll be the death of me. - You'll understand when you're older. - Because. - Wipe that smile off your face. - I don't believe you. - How many times have I told you to be careful? - Just because. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - Good children always obey. - Quit acting so childish. - Boys don't cry. - If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. - Why do you have to know so much? - This hurts me more than it hurts you. - Why? Because I'm bigger than you. - Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? - Oh, grow up. - I'm only doing this because I love you. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - When are you going to grow up? - I'm only doing this for your own good. - Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to - cry about. - What's wrong with you? - Someday you'll thank me for this. - You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. - Don't you have any sense at all? - If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. - Why? Because I said so. - I hope you have a kid just like yourself. -% -Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to -say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... - - You wouldn't understand. - You ask too many questions. - In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. - That's for me to know and you to find out. - Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick - up for yourself. - You're acting too big for your britches. - Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? - Wait till your father gets home. - Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. - Shape up or ship out. -% -Are you making all this up as you go along? -% -"Are you police officers?" -"No, ma'am. We're musicians." - -- The Blues Brothers -% -Are you sure the back door is locked? -% -"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" -No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." - -- Monty Python -% -Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? -Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? -Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? -Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? -Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? -Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen - or so pencils from marking the cloth? -Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? -Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? -Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? -Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? - - Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) -0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. -3-5 -- There is hope for you yet. -6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. -8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. -11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? -% -Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone -in good society holds exactly the same opinion. - -- O. Wilde -% -Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. -% -ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are - quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not - very nice. -% -ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) - You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person - and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've - got a mean streak in you a mile wide. -% -ARITHMETIC: - An obscure art no longer practiced in - the world's developed countries. -% -Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - -- Mickey Mouse -% -ARMADILLO: - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. -% -Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh -autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet -Union. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Armor's Axiom: - Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. -% -Armstrong's Collection Law: - If the check is truly in the mail, - it is surely made out to someone else. -% -Arnold's Addendum: - Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. -% -Arnold's Laws of Documentation: - 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. - 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. - 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the - first two laws. -% -Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote -a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from -one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work -to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. -(He died in 1921.) - Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, -flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this -fantasy... - What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? -And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This -instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the -piece would be better known as: - SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! -% -Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's -incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." - -- Muad'dib, "Dune" -% -Art is a jealous mistress. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. - -- Picasso -% -Art is anything you can get away with. - -- Marshall McLuhan. -% -Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. - -- Chazal -% -Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. -% -Arthur's Laws of Love: - 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you - remind them of someone else. - 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will - be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool - of yourself in person. -% -Article the Third: - Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should - enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and - guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. -Article the Fourth: - The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" - and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's - face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. -Article the Fifth: - Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, - a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the - lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have - to last a lifetime and must be conserved. - -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" -% -Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as -artificial flowers have to flowers. - -- David Parnas -% -Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. -% -As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. -% -As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are -interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted -disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make -jokes about setting fire to a goat?" - -- Dave Barry -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and -I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. -This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- Matt Cartmill -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, -and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a -scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - -- M. Cartmill -% -As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing -a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. -Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different -glass. - The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out -with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. - The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With -a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer -down in one gulp. - Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the -fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a -firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. -NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" -% -As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp -the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at -a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. - -- Joseph Brodsky -% -As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; -and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - -- Einstein -% -As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - -- Weisert -% -As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. - -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" -% -As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, -We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. - -- Frederic Reynolds -% -As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter -of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. - -- J.F. Kennedy -% -As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. -% -As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought -the potato salad. -% -As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of -religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the -methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- -to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven -years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the -untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- -and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and -high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are -surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. - -- Steve Allen -% -As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very -pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! - -- Jack Handey -% -As I thought, no better from this side. - -- Eeyore -% -As I was going up Punch Card Hill, - Feeling worse and worser, -There I met a C.R.T. - And it drop't me a cursor. - -C.R.T., C.R.T., - Phosphors light on you! -If I had fifty hours a day - I'd spend them all at you. - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -As I was passing Project MAC, -I met a Quux with seven hacks. -Every hack had seven bugs; -Every bug had seven manifestations; -Every manifestation had seven symptoms. -Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, -How many losses at Project MAC? -% -As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, -I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, -The words were torn and tattered, -From the storm the night before, -The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, - -Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, -Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, -Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, -And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. - -Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, -Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, -Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, -And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. -% -As in certain cults it is possible to -kill a process if you know its true name. - -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie -% -As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into -smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different -in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting -norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a -computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by -IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish -standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original -standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan -allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive -innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and -imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven -images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies -on the austerity of the word. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great -industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech -and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That -man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American -talk like that. - -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 -% -As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? -% -As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic -schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve -The Problem, saving the documentation for later. -% -As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. -When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" -% -As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. -One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly -useful and interesting, I just had to share it. - -Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" - - 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. - 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. - 3. Some people never look at me. - 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. - 5. My sex life is A-okay. - 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. - 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. - 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. - 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. -10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. -11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. -12. I cannot read or write. -13. I am bored by thoughts of death. -14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. -15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. -16. I am never startled by a fish. -17. My mother's uncle was a good man. -18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. -19. People who break the law are wise guys. -20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. -% -As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. -One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly -useful and interesting, I just had to share it. - -Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" - - 1. I think beavers work too hard. - 2. I use shoe polish to excess. - 3. God is love. - 4. I like mannish children. - 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. - 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. - 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. - 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. - 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. -10. Frantic screams make me nervous. -11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room - full of mice. -12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. -13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. -14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. -15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. -16. My eyes are always cold. -17. Cousins are not to be trusted. -18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. -19. I am never startled by a fish. -20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. -% -As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, -The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; -It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, -An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! -Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, -Follow it through, me canny lad O; -Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, -Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. -Please update your programs. -% -As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. -Please update your programs. -% -As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. -% -As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of -the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: - -News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: - - Newsgroups: comp.sources.d - Subject: how do I run C code received from sources - Keywords: C sources - Distribution: na - - I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the - sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the - headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I - cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) - - Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If - I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate - it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that - must be done? -% -As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; -a process that traditionally requires some debugging. - -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service - conversion to a new computer system. -% -As some day it may happen that a victim must be found -I've got a little list -- I've got a little list -Of society offenders who might well be underground -And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. - -- Koko, "The Mikado" -% -As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't -as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be -discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large -part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in -my own programs. - -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 -% -As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably -because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - -- Woody Allen -% -As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, -bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, -or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new -version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new -component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and -efficient test cases will usually be available. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" -% -As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, -as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; -but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, -with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his -divinity. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -As Will Rogers would have said, -"There is no such things as a free variable." -% -As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory -aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order -chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the -proper time for chocolate. - -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" -% -As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, -but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. - -- The Cowboy -% -As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. - -- Dave "First Strike" Pare -% -As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." -% -ASCII: - The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would - become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as - a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall - receive." - -- Robb Russon -% -ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. -% -ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. -% -Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, -If God won't have you, the devil must. -% -Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if -one went to Harvard). - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you -will pay only the station-to-station rate. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... -if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. -% -Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. - -- J.J. Gibson -% -Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. - -- John Stuart Mill -% -Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she -said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and -released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her -right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she -learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the -writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your -newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to -bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started -chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not -as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, -everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, -the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, -and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he -couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for -two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a -lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - -- Christopher Hampton -% -Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity -and understanding of how computers work that it provides. - -- D. Gries -% -Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run -with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep -the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people -and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. - -- Stanley Walker -% -Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. -% -Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. - -- D. Winker and F. Prosser -% -At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be -solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will -take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology -available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. -In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There -is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general -relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving -a computer problem?" - "Remember the twin paradox?" - After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very -fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but -that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the -computer here, and accelerate the earth!" - The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When -the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: - - IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. -% -At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all -my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my -ignorance upon the shore. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on -the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is -quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather -than blinkers it. - -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" -% -At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, -a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 -% -At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, -"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. - -- Strange de Jim -% -At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - -- J.B. White -% -At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his -thumb with a hammer. - -- Marshall Lumsden -% -At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, -especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously --- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being -in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching -after fact and reason. - -- John Keats -% -At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the -coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. - -- H.R. Gumby -% -At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, -and no further activities are scheduled. -% -At the foot of the mountain, thunder: -The image of Providing Nourishment. -Thus the superior man is careful of his words -And temperate in eating and drinking. -% -At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly -contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre -or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny -of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep -nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the -world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective -enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the -field on track. - -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" -% -At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news -to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to -die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the -room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" -The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor -grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? -You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in -213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, -gently!" - The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily -opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs -his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... -guess who's going to die soon!" -% -At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find -at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. -% -At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. - -- Peter G. Alaquon -% -At times discretion should be thrown aside, -and with the foolish we should play the fool. - -- Menander -% -At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the -number of pens that person is carrying. -% -Atheism is a non-prophet organization. -% -ATLANTA: - An entire city surrounded by an airport. -% -Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda -decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a -lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many -suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person -is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." - -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 -% -AUCTION: - A gyp off the old block. -% -Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. - -- G.J. Danton -% -audiophile, n: - Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. -% -Auribus teneo lupum. -[I hold a wolf by the ears.] -% -AUTHENTIC: - Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. -% -Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. - -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" -% -AUTOMOBILE: - A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. -% -Avec! -% -Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. -% -Avoid cliches like the plague. -They're a dime a dozen. -% -Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. -% -Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -% -Avoid reality at all costs. -% -Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. - -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student -% -Avoid strange women and temporary variables. -% -Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining -ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror -to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the -mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam -in 1959. - -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. -% -[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. - -- Tris Speaker, 1921 -% -BACCHUS: - A convenient deity invented by the ancients - as an excuse for getting drunk. -% -BACHELOR: - A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. -% -BACHELOR: - A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. -% -Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears -that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign -correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were -invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the -West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" - To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. -Business before pleasure." -% -Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some -military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people -who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. -Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the -problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with -written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people -(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering -types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were -the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote -the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It -never really caught on. -% -Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, -uphill both ways and it was always snowing. -% -BACKWARD CONDITIONING: - Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. -% -Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. -% -BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! -% -Bad men live that they may eat and drink, -whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. - -- Socrates -% -Bagdikian's Observation: - Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper - is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. -% -Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! - -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" -% -Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: - A block grant is a solid mass of money - surrounded on all sides by governors. -% -BALLISTOPHOBIA: - Fear of bullets; -OTOPHOBIA: - Fear of opening one's eyes. -PECCATOPHOBIA: - Fear of sinning. -TAPHEPHOBIA: - Fear of being buried alive. -SITOPHOBIA: - Fear of food. -TRICHOPHOBIA: - Fear of hair. -VESTIPHOBIA: - Fear of clothing. -% -BALTIMORE: - A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. -% -Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. -% -Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: - The hippo has no sting, but the wise - man would rather be sat upon by the bee. -% -Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. -% -Barach's Rule: - An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. -% -Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: - (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes - and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. - (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary - to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. -% -Barker's Proof: - Proofreading is more effective after publication. -% -BAROMETER: - An ingenious instrument which indicates - what kind of weather we are having. -% -Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. - -- Will Rogers -% -Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think -Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? - - (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. - (2) Advising the President. - (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. - -- David Letterman -% -BASIC: - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases - in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. -% -Basic Definitions of Science: - If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. - If it stinks, it's chemistry. - If it doesn't work, it's physics. -% -Basic is a high level languish. -% -BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - -- Seymour Papert -% -Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd -come in and sink my boats. - -- Woody Allen -% -Batteries not included. -% -Battle, n: - A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that - will not yield to the tongue. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Be a better psychiatrist and the world -will beat a psychopath to your door. -% -BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) -% -BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) -% -Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. - -- Homer -% -Be careful! Is it classified? -% -Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! -% -Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or -situations that can't bear inspection. -% -Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. - -- Mark Twain -% -Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. - -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" -% -Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. -% -Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. - -- Derek Bok -% -Be cautious in your daily affairs. -% -Be cheerful while you are alive. - -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. -% -Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better -to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. - -- De Maintenon -% -Be different: conform. -% -Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse -the issue afterwards. -% -Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! -Things won't get any better so get used to it. -% -Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. -% -Be independent. -Insult a rich relative today. -% -Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; -nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. -% -Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. - -- Pope St. Gregory I -% -Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. -% -Be prepared to accept sacrifices. -Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. -% -Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent -and original in your work. - -- Flaubert -% -Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. -% -Be self-reliant and your success is assured. -% -Be sociable. -Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. -% -Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. -% -Be valiant, but not too venturous. -Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. - -- John Lyly -% -Beam me up, Scotty! -% -Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! -% -Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! -% -Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. -% -BEAUTY: - What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. -% -Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. -% -Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. -% -Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. - -- Jean Anouilh -% -Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all -Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. - -- John Keats -% -Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. - -- Redd Foxx -% -Because I do, -Because I do not hope, -Because I do not hope to survive -Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, -Because I do, only do, -I continue... - -- T.S. Pynchon -% -Because the wine remembers. -% -Because we don't think about future generations, -they will never forget us. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% -Been through hell? -What did you bring back for me? -% -Been Transferred Lately? -% -Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. -% -Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. -% -Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. - -- Addison H. Hallock -% -Before destruction a man's heart is -haughty, but humility goes before honour. - -- Psalms 18:12 -% -...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech -or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What -did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was -manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of -this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my -power of meddling. - -- Joseph Conrad -% -Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. -% -Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage -they are "Let's eat out." -% -Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. -% -Before you ask more questions, think about whether -you really want to know the answers. - -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" -% -Beggar to well-dressed businessman: - "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" -% -Beggars should be no choosers. - -- John Heywood -% -Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. -% -Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. -% -Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. -% -Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which -is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but -the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that -basket!" - -- Mark Twain -% -Behold the unborn foetus and - Weep salt tears crocodilian; -All life is sacred (save, of course, - An enemy civilian). -% -Behold the warranty -- the bold print -giveth and the fine print taketh away. -% -Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. -% -Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and -stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very -opposite applies with the judges. - -- Beyond the Fringe -% -Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, -since it consists principally of dealings with men. - -- Conrad -% -Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome -to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over -and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" - "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed -seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." -% -Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real -disasters in life begin when you get what you want. -% -Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart -enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. - -- Eugene McCarthy -% -Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the -Boy Scouts have adult supervision. - -- Blake Clark -% -Being owned by someone used to be called -slavery -- now it's called commitment. -% -Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. -% -Being stoned on marijuana isn't very -different from being stoned on gin. - -- Ralph Nader -% -Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to -standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. - -- unnamed Justice Department official -% -Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. -% -belief, n: - Something you do not believe. -% -Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too -impossibly bad. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. -% -Ben, why didn't you tell me? - -- Luke Skywalker -% -Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: - (1) Houses are for people to live in. - (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. - (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. -% -Benson's Dogma: - ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. -% -Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and -none of his friends like him either. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been -transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in -Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken -place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental -surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, -MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. -For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was -rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: -"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, -after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" - "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. - "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" - "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." - "The test or the room?" - "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." - "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. -Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this -great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you -tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, -why?" - "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." - -- House of God -% -Bershere's Formula for Failure: - There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who - listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. -% -Besides the device, the box should contain: - * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. - -IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse -and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get -all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major -transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." - -WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - -- Dave Barry -% -Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 -judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who -doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American -history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor -at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of -them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our -victuals being spent and especially our beer." - -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual -% -Best Mistakes In Films - In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists -four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all -possible. - In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a -street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. - In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned -with television aerials. - In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his -fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill -in the background. - In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is -clearly visible on one of the leading characters. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Best of all is never to have been born. -Second best is to die soon. -% -beta test, v: - To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's - sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. - In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. -% -Better by far you should forget and -smile than that you should remember and be sad. - -- Christina Rossetti -% -Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come -around while you have your life in such a mess. -% -Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. -% -Better late than never. - -- Titus Livius (Livy) -% -Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. -% -Better the prince of some inferior court, -Than second, or less, in beatific light. - -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" -% -Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. -% -Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. - -- motto of the Christopher Society -% -Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. -% -Better tried by twelve than carried by six. - -- Jeff Cooper -% -Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, -left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a -bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort -pushing boulders into a single word. - It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. -Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin -equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the -destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both -Parliament and Party. - It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other -planets, this may be the first message received from us. - -- The Realist, November, 1964. -% -Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. -% -Between infinite and short there is a big difference. - -- G.H. Gonnet -% -Between the idea -And the reality -Between the motion -And the act -Falls the Shadow - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to system service dispatching.] -% -BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. -% -Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. -% -Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. -% -Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. -% -Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather -a new wearer of clothes. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Beware of Bigfoot! -% -Beware of bugs in the above code; -I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - -- D. Knuth -% -Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. -% -Beware of geeks bearing graft. -% -Beware of low-flying butterflies. -% -Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The -danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with -the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. - -- St. Augustine -% -Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - -- Leonard Brandwein -% -Beware of strong drink. It can make you -shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. -% -"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds -himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous -resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their -ignorance the hard way." - -- Kurt Vonnegut -% -Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything -is possible but nothing of interest is easy. -% -Beware the new TTY code! -% -Beware the one behind you. -% -bi, n: - When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. -% -Bierman's Laws of Contracts: - (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". - (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". - (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". -% -Big book, big bore. - -- Callimachus -% -Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice -Are making midnight music in the moonlight, -Mighty nice! -% -Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. -% -Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. -% -Bilbo's First Law: - You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. -% -Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. - -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. -% -Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from - generation to generation? -Mom: Yes? -Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. -% -Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, -and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" -% -Bing's Rule: - Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. -% -Biology grows on you. -% -Biology is the only science in which -multiplication means the same thing as division. -% -Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black -nightgowns do with keeping warm. - -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" -% -Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. -% -birth, n: - The first and direst of all disasters. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. -% -Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the -behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an -absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that -time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in -time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend -on the observer's movement in restaurants. - -- Douglas Adams -% -bit, n: - A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color - refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 - cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years - ago. -% -Bit off more than my mind could chew, -Shower or suicide, what do I do? - -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" -% -Biz is better. -% -Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. -% -Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks -are involved in when they burn stores. - -- Julius Lester -% -Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, -Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, -Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, -They were just some of my tropical fish. - -Then I got mantas that sting in the water, -Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, -Savage male betas that bite with a squish, -Now I have many less tropical fish. - - If you think that - Fish are peaceful - That's an empty wish. - Just dump them together - And leave them alone, - And soon you will have -- no fish. - -- To My Favorite Things -% -Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, -The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, -A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, -She wants to hit those bricks, - 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, -While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, -The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, -I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, -I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... - -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" -% -Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. -% -Blessed are the forgetful: for they -get the better even of their blunders. - -- Nietzsche -% -Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. -% -Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded -to say it. - -- James Russell Lowell -% -Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, -for they Shall be Known as Wheels. -% -Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. - -- W.C. Bennett -% -Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - -- Alexander Pope -% -Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, -for he shall enjoy living. - -- W.C. Bennett -% -Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, -abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. - -- George Eliot -% -Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. - -- David Nichols -% -blithwapping: - Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the - wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. -% -Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: - The judge's jokes are always funny. -% -Blow it out your ear. -% -Blue paint today. - [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] -% -Blutarsky's Axiom: - Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. -% -Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. -% -Boling's postulate: - If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. -% -Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: - Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so - vividly manifests their lack of progress. -% -Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them -seemed to come from Texas. - -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" -% -Bondage maybe, discipline never! - -- T.K. -% -Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" -% -Boob's Law: - You always find something in the last place you look. -% -Booker's Law: - An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. -% -Bore, n: - A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -boss, n: - According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the - words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, - in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an - ornamental stud." -% -Boston: - An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. -% -Boston: - Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports - fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. -% -Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and -interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible -on the same communications line connection. - -- Bell System Technical Reference -% -Boucher's Observation: - He who blows his own horn always plays the music - several octaves higher than originally written. -% -Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. - -- Ralph Lewin -% -Bower's Law: - Talent goes where the action is. -% -Bowie's Theorem: - If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. -% -Boy! Eucalyptus! -% -Boy, get your head out of the stars above, -You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. -Save your heart and let your body be enough, -To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. -Save your heart and let your body be enough, -And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. - -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" -% -Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the -'Advanced Systems Development' group! -% -boy, n: - A noise with dirt on it. -% -Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! -% -Boycott meat - suck your thumb. -% -Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band -together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a -tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo -on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. -They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk -clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. -Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean -well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They -like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, -which is all the time. - -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" -% -Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: -an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently -anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as -`Constructive Snottiness.' - -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" -% -Bradley's Bromide: - If computers get too powerful, we can organize - them into a committee -- that will do them in. -% -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more - easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger - have handled this?" -% -Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no -wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. - -- The Mahabharata -% -Brain fried -- core dumped -% -brain, n: - The apparatus with which we think that we think. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -brain, v: [as in "to brain"] - To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source - of error in an opponent. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a -theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in -Multics, adj: - Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication - that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, - because he/she should have known better. Calling something - brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. -% -Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, -is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led -off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard -single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and -kept going, sliding safely into third base. - With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at -bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. -Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy -took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. - I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy -start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide -into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and -shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. - -- Charles Lamb -% -Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. - -- Randy Goebel -% -Break into jail and claim police brutality. -% -Breathe deep the gathering gloom. -Watch lights fade from every room. -Bed-sitter people look back and lament; -another day's useless energies spent. - -Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. -Lonely man cries for love and has none. -New mother picks up and suckles her son. -Senior citizens wish they were young. - -Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; -Removes the colors from our sight. -Red is grey and yellow white. -But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." - -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" -% -Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. -% -bride, n: - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -% -Bridge ahead. Pay troll. -% -briefcase, n: - A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. -% -Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of -data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover -an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order -and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation -which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation -in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct -hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to -construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to -assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves -only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity -of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the -analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to -appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. - -- A. Benjamin -% -Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati - girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; -i borogovi eran tutti mimanti - e la moma radeva fuorigraba. - -"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, - dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; -fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco - metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". - -- "The Jabberwock" -% -Bringing computers into the home won't change -either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. -% -Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast -more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. -If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if -brusque, your character. - -- Jonathan Swift -% -British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive -it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. - -- Peter Ustinov -% -British Israelites: - The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to -be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria -on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future -can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably -means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also -believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come -and take all your teeth. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -broad-mindedness, n: - The result of flattening high-mindedness out. -% -Brogan's Constant: - People tend to congregate in the back - of the church and the front of the bus. -% -brokee, n: - Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. -% -Brooke's Law: - Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool - discovers something which either abolishes the system or - expands it beyond recognition. -% -BS: You remind me of a man. -B: What man? -BS: The man with the power. -B: What power? -BS: The power of voodoo. -B: Voodoo? -BS: You do. -B: Do what? -BS: Remind me of a man. -B: What man? -BS: The man with the power... - -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" -% -Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. -% -Bucy's Law: - Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -% -Bug: - An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. - The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends - when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -% -bug, n: - An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. - The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends - when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% -Build a system that even a fool can use -and only a fool will want to use it. -% -Building translators is good clean fun. - -- T. Cheatham -% -Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. -General: What does that make YOU? -Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. -% -Bumper sticker: - All the parts falling off this car are - of the very finest British manufacture. -% -Bunker's Admonition: - You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. -% -BURBULATION: - The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in - an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Bureau Termination, Law of: - When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, - the number of employees in that bureau will double within - 12 months after the decision is made. -% -bureaucracy, n: - A method for transforming energy into solid waste. -% -bureaucrat, n: - A politician who has tenure. -% -Burke's Postulates: - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. - Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -% -Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. - -- Ken Weaver -% -Bus error -- driver executed. -% -Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. -% -Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! -% -Business is a good game -- lots of competition -and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. - -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari -% -Business will be either better or worse. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be -proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge -to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women -were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still -unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and -in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than -the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If -there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute -of value. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! -% -But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -But has any little atom, - While a-sittin' and a-splittin', -Ever stopped to think or CARE - That E = m c**2 ? -% -"But Huey, you PROMISED!" -"Tell 'em I lied." -% -But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. -I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to -kill more than I could eat. - -- Raoul Duke -% -But I don't like Spam!!!! -% -"But I don't want to go on the cart..." -"Oh, don't be such a baby!" -"But I'm feeling much better..." -"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" - -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" -% -But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go -back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you -what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous -to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something -true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or -theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might -even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of -crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is -that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away -with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not -everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It -therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such -arrogance down. - -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" -% -But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human -intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as -we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues -that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding -of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard -example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- -makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing -whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a -finite or an infinite number. - -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" -% -But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable -nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. - -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" -% -But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the -system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, -analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - -- Bruce Leverett, - "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" -% -But it does move! - -- Galileo Galilei -% -But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! -% -But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, -In proving foresight may be vain: -The best laid schemes o' mice an' men -Gang aft a-gley, -An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain -For promised joy. - -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 -% -But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! -% -But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! -% -But scientists, who ought to know -Assure us that it must be so. -Oh, let us never, never doubt -What nobody is sure about. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% -But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. -% -But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than -frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? - -- M. Proust -% -But soft you, the fair Ophelia: -Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, -But get thee to a nunnery -- go! - -- Mark "The Bard" Twain -% -But these pills can't be habit forming; -I've been taking them for years. -% -But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad -place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. -Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What -is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not -enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? -Have I explained yet about the bytes? -% -But you shall not escape my iambics. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical -reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than -those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. - -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" -% -Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes -Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; -Less dear than army ants in apple pies -Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, -Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; -Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose -They suck, and like the double-breasted suit -Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, -Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; -And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: -Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; -Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. -Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, -Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. -% -buzzword, n: - The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. -% -By doing just a little every day, you can -gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. -% -By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. -% -By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other -designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. - -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April - Fool's column. -% -By nature, men are nearly alike; -by practice, they get to be wide apart. - -- Confucius -% -By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. -In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others -as it is to invent. - -- R. Emerson - -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program - (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") - [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] -% -By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. - -- Charles Spurgeon -% -By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -By the time you swear you're his, -shivering and sighing -and he vows his passion is -infinite, undying -- -Lady, make a note of this: -One of you is lying. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" -% -By the yard, life is hard. -By the inch, it's a cinch. -% -By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. -Another man's, I mean. - -- Mark Twain -% -By working faithfully eight hours a day, -you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. - -- Robert Frost -% -byob, v: - Believing Your Own Bull -% -Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to -point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very -fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are -often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people -from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B -that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often -wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell -they wanted to be. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -carefully print the chaff. -% -Byte your tongue. -% -C Code. -C Code Run. -Run, Code, RUN! - PLEASE!!!! -% -C for yourself. -% -C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. -% -C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that -harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - -- Bjarne Stroustrup -% -C, n: - A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like - assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything - else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or - it isn't. - -- Ray Simard -% -cabbage, n: - A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as - a man's head. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Cache: - A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one - is supposed to know is there. -% -Cahn's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - -- Fred Allen -% -Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God -and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your -coffee. -% -Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - -- Indian proverb -% -Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the -current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled -damnation. - -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the - Life of Hall" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to logical names.] -% -Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target -Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. -% -Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! - -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" -% -Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. -% -Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, -Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, -Calm down, and speak to me in English, -Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. -% -Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." -Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" -Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" -% -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man -who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Campbell's Law: - Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. -% -Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. -% -Can anyone remember when the times -were not hard, and money not scarce? -% -Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? -Yes, work never begun. -% -Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the -only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. - -- Robert J. Ringer -% -Canada Bill Jones's Motto: - It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. - -Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: - A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. -% -Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. -It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post -% -CANCER (June 21 - July 22) - This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, - but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are - poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough - when you're poor and unhappy. -% -Canonical, adj.: - The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: -One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use -of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as -much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. -Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like -fashion without thinking. - Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" - Stallman: "What did he say?" - Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." -% -Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. - -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. -% -Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. -% -Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for -the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important - part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much - luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are - a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers - don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. -% -CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) - Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything - else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget - it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. -% -CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do - much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn - of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for - too long as they tend to take root and become trees. -% -Captain Penny's Law: - You can fool all of the people some of the time, and - some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. -% -Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... -% -Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. -Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, -mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it -takes. -% -Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print -the name Craney incorrectly. - -- Jim Canrey -% -Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of -fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, -the same can be said of dirt. -% -carperpetuation, n: - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen - times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting - it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Carson's Consolation: - Nothing is ever a complete failure. - It can always be used as a bad example. -% -Carson's Observation on Footwear: - If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. -% -Carswell's Corollary: - Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, - nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. -% -Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. - -- The Beach Boys -% -Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. - -- Howard Chaykin -% -Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. -% -Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull -a sled through the snow. -% -Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. -% -Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" -% -Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. -% -Caution: Keep out of reach of children. -% -CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. -% -CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... -% -Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. -% -Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center -of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An -incorrect model can be a useful tool. - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Census Taker to Housewife: -Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? -% -Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. -% -cerebral atrophy, n: - The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and -impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause -symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic -performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to -everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort -and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become -victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. - -cerebral darwinism, n: - The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed -through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of -alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through -the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die -first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the -imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. -Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic -performance actually increases beyond previous levels. -% -Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something -Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out - of it? -Jaka: Oooh. -Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" -% -Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long -walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They -then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% - -Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the -most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of -Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which -reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression -nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would -but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground -nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." - -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 -% -Certainly the game is rigged. -Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. - -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, -But it's very funny -- -did you ever try buying them without money? - -- Ogden Nash -% -C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! -% -C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. - -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] -% -CF&C stole it, fair and square. - -- Tim Hahn -% -Chairman of the Bored. -% -Chamberlain's Laws: - 1: The big guys always win. - 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. -% -Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. -Ain't nobody's business but my own. - -- Taj Mahal -% -Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. - -- Anatole France -% -Change your thoughts and you change your world. -% -Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. - -- Kathleen Norris -% -Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. -% -Chapter 1: - The story so far: - In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made -a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -% -Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay - - The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by -Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation -that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never -quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his -mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define -a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation -can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human -race in general. -% -character density, n.: - The number of very weird people in the office. -% -Character is what you are in the dark! - -- Lord John Whorfin -% -CHARITY: - A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. -% -Charity begins at home. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? -Linus: To make others happy. -Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? -% -Charlie was a chemist, -But Charlie is no more. -What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. -% -Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- -without having asked any clear question. -% -Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. -% -Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... -they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! -% -checkuary, n: - The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends - when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. -% -Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. -% -Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" -% -Chef, n: - Any cook who swears in French. -% -Cheit's Lament: - If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- - the next time he's in need. -% -CHEMICALS: - Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. -% -Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. -% -Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. -% -Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. -% -Cheops' Law: - Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. -% -"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, - which way I ought to go from here?" -"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. -"I don't care much where--" said Alice. -"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. -% -Chess tonight. -% -CHICAGO: - Where the dead still vote... early and often! -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: - Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn -headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". - -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: - The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request -for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will -cheerfully baste you. - -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 -% -Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" -Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" -% -Chicken Little was right. -% -Chicken Soup: - An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, - cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup - can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - -- Arthur Naiman -% -Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that -shivers when it's warm. -% -Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like -them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. -% -Children are natural mimics who act like their parents -despite every effort to teach them good manners. -% -Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're -going to catch you in next. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -Children aren't happy without something to ignore, -And that's what parents were created for. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. -Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually -repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -% -Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" -% -Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." -% -Chism's Law of Completion: - The amount of time required to complete a government project is - precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. -% -Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: - When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. -% -Chocolate Chip. -% -Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as -a friend if she were a man. - -- Joubert -% -Chorus: - Grandma got run over by a reindeer, - Walking home from our house Christmas eve. - You can say there's no such thing as Santa, - But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! -She'd been drinking too much eggnog, -And we begged her not to go. -But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, -And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. - out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, - And incriminating claus-marks on her -Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. -He's been taking this so well. -See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and -Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, - with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! - They should never give a license, - To a man who drives a sleigh and - plays with elves! - -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" -% -Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. -% -Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found -difficult and not tried. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; -Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; -Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, -Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. - -On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, -Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, -There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, -The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. - -It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, -It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. -Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, -What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. - Angels We Have Heard On High, -Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. -Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... -Driving his reindeer across the sky, -Don't stand underneath when they fly by! - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Churchill's Commentary on Man: - Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, - but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. -% -CIGARETTE: - A fire at one end, a fool at the other, - and a bit of tobacco in between. -% -CINEMUCK: - The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate - which covers the floors of movie theaters. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. - -- Herodotus -% -Civilization and profits go hand in hand. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. -See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. -% -Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. - -- Mark Twain -% -clairvoyant, n.: - A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that -which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who -aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Clarke's Conclusion: - Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. -% -Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. -Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. - -- "Bugsy" Siegel -% -Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're -leading the parade. - -- Bill Battie -% -Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. - -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" -% -Clay's Conclusion: - Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. -% -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling -the walk before it stops snowing. - -- Phyllis Diller - -There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years -the dirt doesn't get any worse. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Cleanliness is next to impossible. -% -CLEVELAND: - Where their last tornado did six - million dollars worth of improvements. -% -Cleveland? -Yes, I spent a week there one day. -% -Climate and Surgery - R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who -received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at -the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the -day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be -riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially -recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 -% -Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. - "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" - "Well, yes, I am." - "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." - The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, -me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The -passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, -please?" it asked the bartender. - The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. -"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" - "No, I'm a frayed knot." -% -clone, n: - 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their - product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product - is a clone of our product." -% -Clones are people two. -% -Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. -% -Clothes make the man. -Naked people have little or no influence on society. - -- Mark Twain -% -Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: - The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated - than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, - bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. -% -Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? -Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. - -- Cheers, No Help Wanted - -Coach: How about a beer, Norm? -Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. - -- Cheers, No Help Wanted - -Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? -Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. - -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights -% -Coach: How's it going, Norm? -Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. - -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences - -Sam: What's up, Norm? -Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. - -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action - -Coach: What's the story, Norm? -Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. - -- Cheers, Endless Slumper -% -Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? -Norm: Daddy wuvs you. - -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail - -Sam: What'd you like, Normie? -Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. - -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man - -Sam: What will you have, Norm? -Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass - of whatever comes out of that tap. -Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. -Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. - -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner -% -Coach: What's up, Norm? -Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. - -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights - -Coach: What's shaking, Norm? -Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. - -- Cheers, Snow Job - -Coach: Beer, Normie? -Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. - Eh, why not, I'm still young. - -- Cheers, Snow Job -% -COBOL: - An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -% -COBOL: - Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. -% -COBOL is for morons. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. -% -COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -% -Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a -terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. -% -Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- -I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Cohen's Law: - There is no bottom to worse. -% -Cohn's Law: - The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less - time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend - all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. -% -Coincidences are spiritual puns. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -COLD: - When the politicians walk around - with their hands in their own pockets. -% -Cold hands, no gloves. -% -Cole's Law: - Thinly sliced cabbage. -% -COLLABORATION: - A literary partnership based on the false - assumption that the other fellow can spell. -% -COLLEGE: - The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. -% -College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the -faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if -the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, -legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the -loss to humanity. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -COLORADO: - Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. -% -Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. -% -Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 - -0. integrated 0. management 0. options -1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility -2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability -3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility -4. functional 4. digital 4. programming -5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept -6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase -7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection -8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware -9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency - - The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select -the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces -"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into -virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No -one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, -"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." - -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" -% -Colvard's Logical Premises: - All probabilities are 50%. -Either a thing will happen or it won't. - -Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: - This is especially true when - dealing with someone you're attracted to. - -Grelb's Commentary: - Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring -Your winter garment of repentance fling. -The bird of time has but a little way -To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. - -- Omar Khayyam -% -Come home America. - -- George McGovern, 1972 -% -Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, -Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. - -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 -% -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space -Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. -Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, -We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - -- The Cyberiad -% -Come live with me, and be my love, -And we will some new pleasures prove -Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, -With silken lines, and silver hooks. - -- John Donne -% -Come live with me and be my love, -And we will some new pleasures prove -Of golden sands and crystal brooks -With silken lines, and silver hooks. -There's nothing that I wouldn't do -If you would be my POSSLQ. - -You live with me, and I with you, -And you will be my POSSLQ. -I'll be your friend and so much more; -That's what a POSSLQ is for. - -And everything we will confess; -Yes, even to the IRS. -Some day on what we both may earn, -Perhaps we'll file a joint return. -You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; -You'll share my life - up to a point! -And that you'll be so glad to do, -Because you'll be my POSSLQ. -% -Come, muse, let us sing of rats! - -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 -% -Come quickly, I am tasting stars! - -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. -% -Come, you spirits -That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, -And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full -Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, -Stop up the access and passage to remorse -That no compunctious visiting of nature -Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between -The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, -And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, -Wherever in your sightless substances -You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, -And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, -That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, -Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, -To cry `Hold, hold!' - -- Lady MacBeth -% -Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. -% -Coming to Stores Near You: - -101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: - - (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog - It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing - I'm Not Misbehaving - -And A Whole Lot More... -% -Coming together is a beginning; - keeping together is progress; - working together is success. -% -Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -COMMITMENT: - Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. - The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. -% -Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. - -- Josh Billings - -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. -Everyone thinks he has enough. - -- Descartes, 1637 -% -Commoner's three laws of ecology: - 1) No action is without side-effects. - 2) Nothing ever goes away. - 3) There is no free lunch. -% -Communicate! It can't make things any worse. -% -Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software -has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It -either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, -stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is -misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with -the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the -characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. - -- Dan Klein -% -COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler -one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. - -- J.N. Gray -% -Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, -is in the eye of the beholder. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's -courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not -be enough. - -- Gene Scott -% -COMPLEX SYSTEM: - One with real problems and imaginary profits. -% -COMPLIMENT: - When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. -% -compuberty, n: - The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a - computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and - a sun4 is put online sharing files. -% -COMPUTER: - An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a - totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe - this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. -% -Computer programmers do it byte by byte. -% -Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. -% -Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. -% -COMPUTER SCIENCE: - 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the - precision of the former and the success of the latter. - 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. - 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. - 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. - 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. - 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. -% -Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view -adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance - -- Jim Horning -% -Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -% -Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. - -- Gilb -% -Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -Computers don't actually think. - You just think they think. - (We think.) -% -Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- LaRouchefoucauld -% -CONCEPT: - Any "idea" for which an outside - consultant billed you more than $25,000. -% -Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed -from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" -% -Condense soup, not books! -% -CONFERENCE: - A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear - what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what - he's already decided to do. -% -Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; -confess them to man and you will be laughed at. - -- Josh Billings -% -Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. -% -Confession is good for the soul only in the sense -that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - -- Peter de Vries -% -Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for -the reputation. - -- Lord Thomas Dewar -% -Confidant, confidante, n: - One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you -fall flag on your face. - -- Dr. L. Binder -% -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. -% -CONFIRMED BACHELOR: - A man who goes through life without a hitch. -% -Conflicting research paradigms -Have legitimized various crimes. - The worst we can see - Is in psychology, -Measuring reaction times. -% -Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. -% -Confucius say too damn much! -% -Confucius say too much. - -- Recent Chinese Proverb -% -Confusion will be my epitaph -as I walk a cracked and broken path -If we make it we can all sit back and laugh -but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. - -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" -% -Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. -If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't -hesitate to ask! -% -Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would -give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you -undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. -Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL -CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T -YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH -THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH -SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS -CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING -TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES -RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - -- Dave Barry -% -Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. - -He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the -Year award. -% -Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. - - Mathematician's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all - odd numbers are prime. - Physicist's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental - error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... - Engineer's Proof: - 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. - 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... - Computer Scientists's Proof: - 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... -% -Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. -% -Conscience doth make cowards of us all. - -- Shakespeare -% -Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts -when everything else feels great. -% -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" -% -Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. -% -CONSENT DECREE: - A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit - in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it - never admitted to in the first place. -% -Conservative: - One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. - -- Leo C. Rosten -% -Conservative, n: - A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished - from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." - -- Professor in the UCB physics department -% -Consider the following axioms carefully: - "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." - and - "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." -What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The -thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to -consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". -% -Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal -it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in -the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. - -- Josh Billings -% -CONSULTANT: - (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell - you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title - of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have - Calculator, Will Travel. -% -CONSULTANT: - An ordinary man a long way from home. -% -CONSULTANT: - [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con - (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of - "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who - has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase - and heavy wallet. -% -CONSULTANT: - Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a - lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. -% -Consultants are mystical people who ask a -company for a number and then give it back to them. -% -CONSULTATION: - Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." -% -Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by -the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will -we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always -will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and -seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. - -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. -% -"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and -if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Convention is the ruler of all. - -- Pindar -% -CONVERSATION: - A vocal competition in which the one who - is catching his breath is called the listener. -% -Conversation enriches the understanding, -but solitude is the school of genius. -% -Conway's Law: - In any organization there will always be one person who knows - what is going on. - - This person must be fired. -% -Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the -line-up. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -COPYING MACHINE: - A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, - and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't - interested in reading them. -% -Coronation, n: - The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible - signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Correction does much, but encouragement does more. - -- Goethe -% -Correspondence Corollary: - An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half - your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. -% -CORRUPT: - In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. -% -Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle -of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of -capitalism. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. -His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. - -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan -% -Corry's Law: - Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -% -Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell -at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure -the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse -mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention -being easier to stake. -% -Counting in binary is just like counting -in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. - -- Glaser and Way -% -Counting in octal is just like counting -in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Courage is fear that has said its prayers. -% -Courage is grace under pressure. -% -Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. - -- Mark Twain -% -Courage is your greatest present need. -% -court, n.: - A place where they dispense with justice. - -- Arthur Train -% -Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. - -- William Congreve -% -COWARD: - One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -% -[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, -with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! -% -Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking -process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical -attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an -enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable -and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference -between adequacy and excellence. -% -Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for -peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being -ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll -say it was obvious all along. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% -Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. -% -Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; -sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. -% -Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. - -- James Blish -% -CREDITOR: - A man who has a better memory than a debtor. -% -Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: - If you are the first to know about something bad, - you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, - regardless of your formal duties. -% -Crime does not pay... as well as politics. - -- A.E. Newman -% -CRITIC: - A person who boasts himself hard to please - because nobody tries to please him. -% -critic, n.: - A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries - to please him. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. - -- Zeuxis -% -Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've -seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. - -- Brendan Behan -% -Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? - -- Socrates' last words -% -Croll's Query: - If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? -% -Cropp's Law: - The amount of work done varies inversly - with the time spent in the office. -% -Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. - -- Madonna -% -Cruickshank's Law of Committees: - If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it - will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so - much work has already been done on it. -% -Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! -% -Crush! Kill! Destroy! -% -Cthulhu Cthucks! -% -Cthulhu for President! - (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) -% -Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. -% -Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. -% -Cure the disease and kill the patient. - -- Francis Bacon -% -CURSOR: - One whose program will not run. - -- Robb Russon -% -curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field -environment. - The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, -addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial -matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more -people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don -Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. -The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is -the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you -order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". -Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, -check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, -possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 -columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples -cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still -with us. - -MOZ DONG n. - Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da -Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l -Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Custer committed Siouxicide. -% -Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight -of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. - -- Gerry Youghkins - -If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people -don't like it. - -- Gerry Youghkins -% -Cutler Webster's Law: - There are two sides to every argument, unless a person - is personally involved, in which case there is only one. -% -Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It -eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the -business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." - -- Johnny Hart -% -CYNIC: - Experienced. -% -CYNIC: - One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. -% -Cynic, n: - A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, - not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the - Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why -several of us died of tuberculosis. - -- Jack Handey -% -DALLAS: - The city that chose Astroturf to - keep the cheerleaders from grazing. -% -Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. -% -Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. -% -"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" -% -Damn braces. - -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" -% -Damn, I need a Coke! - -- Dr. William DeVries - [after implanting the first artificial human heart] -% -DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! -% -Dark and lonely on a summer night - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. -The watchdog barkin' -Do he bite? - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. -Slip in his window. -Break his neck. -Then his house I start to wreck -Got no reason, -What the heck? - Kill my landlord, - Kill my landlord. - C-I-L-L my landlord! - -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL -% -Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the -opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. - -- Oliver Herford -% -Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. -% -DATA: - An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. -% -DATA: - Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced - the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. -% -David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": - - * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO - * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" - * Hourly motel rates - * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here - * Didn't just give up right away during World War II - like some countries we could mention - * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies - * Our well-behaved golf professionals - * Fabulous babes coast to coast -% -Davis' Law of Traffic Density: - The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to - 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. -% -Davis's Dictum: - Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. -% -DAWN: - The time when men of reason go to bed. -% -Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. -% -DEADWOOD: - Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. -% -Dealing with failure is easy: - Work hard to improve. -Success is also easy to handle: - You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. -% -Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. -Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work -hard to improve. -% -Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, -all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. - -- C.N. Parkinson -% -Dear Emily: - How can I choose what groups to post in? - -- Confused - -Dear Confused: - Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After -all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you -should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. -Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. - Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event -that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you -expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the -header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in -the fringe groups. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to -summarize. What should I do? - -- Editor - -Dear Editor: - Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post -that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the -replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when -summarizing a vote. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." -What should I do? - -- Doubtful - -Dear Doubtful: - Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to -dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are -much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by -mail. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should -I do? - -- Angry - -Dear Angry: - Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments -between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article -looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long -point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and -lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I -tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for -his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. -Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? - -- A Concerned Citizen - -Dear Concerned: - Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer -experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They -will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely -represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all -act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net -society. - Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things -like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they -understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant -literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if -possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- -they are always interested in good stories. -% -Dear Emily: - I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted -to. How about an example? - -- Still Confused - -Dear Still: - Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from -the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey -would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a -big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy -as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try -news.admin. If not, use news.misc. - The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. -He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also -interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to -soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to -news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of -interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as -well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles -there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) - You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each -group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders -will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily: - Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. -What should I do? - -- Forgetful - -Dear Forgetful: - Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, -"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here -it is." - Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, -(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy -signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more -about the signature anyway. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Emily, what about test messages? - -- Concerned - -Dear Concerned: - It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test -merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please -ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips -a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female -but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth -by all USEnauts. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Freshman, - You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but -unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather -prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by -mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. -% -Dear Lord: - I just want a one-armed manager so I - never have to hear "On the other hand", again. -% -Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may -have to eat them. -% -Dear Miss Manners: - My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's -elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between -courses, is all right. Which is correct? - -Gentle Reader: - For the purpose of answering examinations in your home -economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle -of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning -correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. -% -Dear Miss Manners: -I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of -rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? -This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella -protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting -soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, -and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my -umbrella without seeming insulting? - -Gentle Reader: -Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, -although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how -attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss -Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection -before making your attack. -% -Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of -this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be -watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for -a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky -Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food -such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete -breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", -or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make -essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of -shaving cream there, or a dead bat? - -Answer: Yes. - -- Dave Barry -% -Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? - -Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs -to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: -WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. -Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered -small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random -words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -Dear Ms. Postnews: - I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What - should I do? - -- Eager Beaver - -Dear Eager: - No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people -read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm -posting it. All others please ignore." - This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning -over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective -time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet -maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute -your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call -directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost -as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! - And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's -money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight -letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! - Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, -so post it as many places as you can. - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Dear Sir, - I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or -to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public -places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers -being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- -employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. - Yours faithfully, - Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. - Sevenoaks - -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London -% -DEATH: - To stop sinning suddenly. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Death before dishonor. -But neither before breakfast. -% -Death comes on every passing breeze, -He lurks in every flower; -Each season has its own disease, -Its peril -- every hour. - --Reginald Heber -% -Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. -% -Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort -of like a shell leaving the nut behind. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. -% -Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - -- R. Geis -% -Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. -% -Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. -% -Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -% -Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! -% -DEATH WISH: - The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. -% -Debug is human, de-fix divine. -% -DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. - -- Mel Ferentz -% -Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. -erra, n: A mistake. -faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. -Linder, n: A female name. -memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. -New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. -New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. -Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. -Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. -ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the - season is when the Knicks quit playing. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -DECISIONMAKER: - The person in your office who was unable - to form a task force before the music stopped. -% -Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- -whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may -not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, -or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants -(unless struck by a boomerang). - -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. -% -Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. - -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" -% -Decorate your home. It gives the illusion -that your life is more interesting than it really is. - -- C. Schultz -% -"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of -marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", -quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can -claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. - -- Randy Davis -% -DEFAULT: - The hardware's, of course. -% -Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. - -- Bill Musselman -% -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - --- Count the number of bits in a word. -% -Deflector shields just came on, Captain. -% -(defun NF (a c) - (cond ((null c) () ) - ((atom (car c)) - (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) - (nf a (cddr c)))) - (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) - -(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) - (cond - ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) - (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) - (lessp challenging 7)) () ) - (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) - '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) - (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) - (car 2 caadr 4))) - (list '851-5071x2661))))) -;;; We are an affirmative action employer. -% -DEJA VU: - French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. - Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced - something actually being encountered for the first time. - Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced - something actually being encountered for the first time. -% -Delay is preferable to error. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. - -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 - -Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. - -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to I/O system services.] -% -Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and -related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, -entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take -into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability -to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The -history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that -can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken -for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations -are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. - -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD - -I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability -more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction -with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder -child. - -- Dr. Albert Hoffman -% -DELIBERATION: - The act of examining one's bread - to determine which side it is buttered on. -% -Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. -% -Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever -skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious -to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an -overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic -apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless -as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a -steroid-free fitness center. - -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about -her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad -nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. -% -Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder -aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - -- Senator Soaper -% -Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the -incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who -will get the blame. - -- Laurence J. Peter -% -Democracy is also a form of worship. -It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. - -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 -% -Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half -of the people are right more than half of the time. - -- E.B. White -% -Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and -deserve to get it good and hard. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 -% -Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other -forms that have been tried from time to time. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Democracy, n: - A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting -or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude -toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward -law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based -upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without -restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, -agitation, discontent, anarchy. - -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), - since withdrawn. -% -Democracy, n: - In which you say what you like and do what you're told. - -- Gerald Barry - -The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a -Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship -you don't have to waste your time voting. - -- Charles Bukowski -% -Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. -Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. - -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. -The remainder is thrown out. - -Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. - -Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. -Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. - -Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car -windows by Democrats. - -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" -% -Dental health is next to mental health. -% -Dentist: - A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, - pulls coins out of one's pockets. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Denver, n: - A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. -% -Depart in pieces, i.e., split. -% -Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. -% -Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. -% -Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, -but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. - -- R.E. Shay -% -Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. -% -Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - -und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. -% -Design: - What you regret not doing later on. -% -design, v: - What you regret not doing later on. -% -Desist from enumerating your fowl -prior to their emergence from the shell. -% -Despite all appearances, your boss -is a thinking, feeling, human being. -% -Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will -be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over -the table. - -- The Anarchist Cookbook -% -Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, -don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. - -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" -% -Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. -% -DeVries' Dilemma: - If you hit two keys on the typewriter, - the one you don't want hits the paper. -% -Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of -fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. - -- L. Ron Hubbard -% -Dibble's First Law of Sociology: - Some do, some don't. -% -Did it ever occur to you that fat chance -and slim chance mean the same thing? - -Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? -% -Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control -has already been born? - -- Benny Hill -% -Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think -that's how dogs spend their lives. - -- Sue Murphy -% -Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? -% -"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -Did you hear about the model who sat -on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? -% -Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and -Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... - -Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! -% -Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship -the number zero? - -Is nothing sacred? -% -Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have -only recaptured 116 of them? -% -Did you know? - EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, - APPROXIMATELY - 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE - KILLED - - Come to the award-winning 1987 film, - "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" - -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. - -A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. - - SPONSORED BY - Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) - Student Bakers for Social Responsibility - Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) - Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters - -Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" -% -Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a -selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not -try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will -select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive -set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you -should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. -% -Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -% -Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? - -- P.J. Plauger -% -Did you know the University of Iowa -closed down after someone stole the book? -% -Did you know.... - -That no-one ever reads these things? -% -Didja' ever have to make up your mind, -Pick up on one and leave the other behind, -It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, -Didja' ever have to make up your mind? - -- Lovin' Spoonful -% -Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? -% -"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore -would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. - -- John Barrymore's dying words -% -Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. - -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 -% -Dieters live life in the fasting lane. -% -Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. -% -Digital circuits are made from analog parts. - -- Don Vonada -% -Dignity is like a flag. -It flaps in a storm. - -- Roy Mengot -% -Dime is money. -% -Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible -only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, -for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. -% -Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. -% -Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): - 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce - 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast - 1 carton milk -% -Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. -% -Diogenes, having abandoned his search for -truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. -% -Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone -asked him, after a few days. - "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." -% -Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. -Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. - -- Sir Humphrey Appleby -% -Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. -% -Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. - -- Daniele Vare -% -Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - -- Wynn Catlin -% -Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. - -- Balfour -% -diplomacy, n: - Lying in state. -% -Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: - - 1: Get elected. - 2: Get re-elected. - 3: Don't get mad, get even. - -- Sen. Everett Dirksen -% -disbar, n: - As distinguished from some other bar. -% -Disc space -- the final frontier! -% -DISCLAIMER: -Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply -an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. -% -Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. -% -Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. -% -Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. - -- Chinese proverb -% -Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. - -- Euripides -% -Disk crisis, please clean up! -% -Disks travel in packs. -% -Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, -Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. -% -Distance doesn't make you any smaller, -but it does make you part of a larger picture. -% -DISTRESS: - A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -% -Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight -acquaintance and without any visible reason. - -- Lord Chesterfield -% -Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) -% -Divorce is a game played by lawyers. - -- Cary Grant -% -Do clones have navels? -% -Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. - -- Amy Gorin -% -Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. -% -Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? -% -Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. -% -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% -Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. -% -Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. - -- Aesop -% -Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome -your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in -a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding -cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any -of them ever committed suicide. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. -Their tastes may not be the same. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. -% -Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, -for they become soggy and hard to light. - -Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, -for they are subtle and quick to anger. -% -Do not overtax your powers. -% -Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. -Violators will be prosecuted. -(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) -% -Do not seek death; death will find you. -But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. - -- Dag Hammarskjold -% -Do not simplify the design of a program if a way -can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -% -Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. -% -Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. -% -Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. -% -Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -% -Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- -learn to dread each day as it comes. - -- Donald Kaul -% -Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. -% -Do not underestimate the power of the Force. -% -Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native -word "lies". - -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" -% -Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. -% -Do not worry about which side your -bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. -% -Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. -% -Do, or do not; there is no try. -% -Do people know you have freckles everywhere? -% -Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. -% -Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? -% -Do unto others before they undo you. -% -Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. -% -Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. - -- Aleister Crowley -% -Do what you can to prolong your life, -in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. -% -Do you believe in intuition? -No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. -% -Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? -Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? -Have you ever eaten an entire moose? -Can you see your neck? -Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? -If so, welcome to National Fat Week. -This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, - ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. - -- Garfield -% -Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? -% -Do YOU have redeeming social value? -% -Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. -I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they -think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not -think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers -like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make -fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not -to think at all. - -- T.H. White -% -Do you know Montana? -% -Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education -is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. - -- Pete Seeger -% -Do you mean that you not only want a wrong -answer, but a certain wrong answer? - -- Tobaben -% -Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing -between Nixon and the White House. - -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 -% -Do you suffer painful elimination? - -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" - -Do you suffer painful recrimination? - -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" - -Do you suffer painful illumination? - -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" - -Do you suffer painful hallucination? - -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda -% -Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -% -Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he -just whipped out a quarter? - -- Stephen Wright -% -"Do you think there's a God?" -"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" - -- Calvin and Hobbes -% -"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" -"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" -"I've never done anything illegal before." -"I thought you said you were an accountant!" -% -Do you think your mother and I should have lived -comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? -% -Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, -your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is -your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? -Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? -Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. - -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement -% -Do your otters do the shimmy? -Do they like to shake their tails? -Do your wombats sleep in tophats? -Is your garden full of snails? -% -Do your part to help preserve life on -Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. -% -Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with -little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. - -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. -% -Documentation: - Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English - speaking persons. -% -Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must -be good because the programmers hate it so much. -% -Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? -Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? -Does a good father allow a single child to starve? -Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? -% -Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -% -Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people -and the rest of us. -% -Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. -% -Doing gets it done. -% -Domestic happiness and faithful friends. -% -Don -Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! - Was she pretty? -W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of - bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have - to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. -Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. -W.C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. - Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" -% -Don't abandon hope. -Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. -% -Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may -have got him. -% -Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, -It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, -Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, -I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. -% -Don't be humble, you're not that great. - -- Golda Meir -% -Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -% -Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. -% -Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. -% -Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote -than I have to. - -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. -% -Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. -% -Don't confuse things that need action -with those that take care of themselves. -% -Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! -% -Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! - -- Firesign Theatre -% -Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. -% -Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. - -- Josh Billings -% -Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. - -- Lt. Col. Ollie North -% -Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. -Their tastes may not be the same. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. -% -Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. - -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard -% -Don't eat yellow snow. -% -Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. -% -Don't everyone thank me at once! - -- Han Solo -% -Don't expect people to keep in step-- -it's hard enough just staying in line. -% -Don't feed the bats tonight. -% -Don't force it, get a larger hammer. - -- Anthony -% -Don't get even, get odd. -% -Don't get mad, get even. - -- Joseph P. Kennedy - -Don't get even, get jewelry. - -- Anonymous -% -Don't get mad, get interest. -% -Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. -% -Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they -can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. - -- Dave Storer -% -Don't get to bragging. -% -Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. -The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - -- Mark Twain -% -Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. -% -Don't go to bed with no price on your head. - -- Baretta -% -Don't guess - check your security regulations. -% -Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. -% -Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. -% -Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. -% -Don't I know you? -% -Don't interfere with the stranger's style. -% -Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. - -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs -% -Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. -% -Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. -% -Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. -% -Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. -Probably soon after she throws me out. -% -Don't let go of what you've got hold of, -until you have hold of something else. - -- First Rule of Wing Walking -% -Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; -don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; -don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, -or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... -remember, if you don't follow your dreams, -you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... - -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" -% -Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. -% -Don't let your status become too quo! -% -Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. -% -Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. -% -Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. -% -Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. -% -Don't lose -Your head -To gain a minute -You need your head -Your brains are in it. - -- Burma Shave -% -Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. -% -Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - -- Scottish Proverb -% -Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. -% -Don't plan any hasty moves. -You'll be evicted soon anyway. -% -Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because -if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. -% -Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Don't quit now, we might just as well -lock the door and throw away the key. -% -Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. -% -Don't read everything you believe. -% -Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. -% -Don't remember what you can infer. - -- Harry Tennant -% -Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. - -- Darryl F. Zanuck -% -Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. -% -Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. -% -Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. -% -Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! -% -Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. -% -Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. - -- P. Skelly -% -Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. - -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft -% -Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. -% -Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, -sodomy and the lash. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. -% -Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. - -- James J. Ling -% -Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. -I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. - -- Watchman Examiner -% -Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. -% -Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free -with my breakfast cereal. - -- Zaphod Beeblebrox -% -Don't vote - it only encourages them! -% -Don't wake me up too soon... -Gonna take a ride across the moon... -You and me. -% -Don't worry. Life's too long. - -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. -% -Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. -% -Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas -are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - -- Howard Aiken -% -Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. -It's already tomorrow in Australia. - -- Charles Schultz -% -Don't Worry, Be Happy. - -- Meher Baba -% -Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, -you can always take something for it. -% -Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. -They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. -% -Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. -% -Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? -% -"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" -"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" -"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." -"... I thought you said you were an accountant." -% -Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely -want to help you could agree with each other? -% -Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? -% -Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get -you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% -Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? -Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people - without brains do an awful lot of talking. - -- The Wizard of Oz -% -Double! -% -Double Bucky, you're the one, -You make my keyboard so much fun, -Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) -Control and meta, side by side, -Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! -Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! - -Oh, I sure wish that I, -Had a couple of bits more! -Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. - -Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right -OR'd together, outta sight! -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, -Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, -Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit - be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use - by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] -% -double-blind Experiment, n: - An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is -fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied -by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. -% -Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. - -- Voltaire -% -Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - -- Voltaire -% -Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. - -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. -% -Down to the Banana Republics, -Down to the tropical sun. -Go the expatriated Americans, -Hoping to find some fun. -Some of them go for the sailing, -Caught by the lure of the sea. -Trying to find what is ailing, -Living in the land of the free. -Some of them are running from lovers, -Leaving no forward address. -Some of them are running tons of ganja, -Some are running from the IRS. -Late at night you will find them, -In the cheap hotels and bars. -Hustling the senoritas, -While they dance beneath the stars. - -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" -% -Down with the categorical imperative! -% -Dow's Law: - In a hierarchical organization, - the higher the level, the greater the confusion. -% -Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed -by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy -of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that -time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to -kill him. - -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" -% -Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet - -The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve -that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's -Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added -luxury that you never feel hungry. - -Here's how the diet works: - - FOODS ALLOWED -First Month: One egg -Second Month: A raisin -Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. - -If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try -lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. -% -Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. -% -Dr. Livingston? -Dr. Livingston I. Presume? -% -Draft beer, not people. -% -Drakenberg's Discovery: - If you can't seem to find your glasses, - it's probably because you don't have them on. -% -Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -% -Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. -% -Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. -% -Drew's Law of Highway Biology: - The first bug to hit a clean windshield - lands directly in front of your eyes. -% -Drilling for oil is boring. -% -Drink and dance and laugh and lie -Love, the reeling midnight through -For tomorrow we shall die! -(But, alas, we never do.) - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" -% -Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. -% -Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for -instant motor skills. - -- Marc Price -% -Drinking is not a spectator sport. - -- Jim Brosnan -% -Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin -with, that it's compounding a felony. - -- Robert Benchley -% -Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: -that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. - -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" -% -Drive defensively, buy a tank. -% -Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to -avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever -jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the -brush after them. -% -Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out -of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever -seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a -priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. -"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your -life!" -% -Drop that pickle! -% -DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! - -- The Adventurer -% -Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. - -- The Adventurer -% -drug, n: - A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific - paper. -% -Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! -% -Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a -lot a poker. - -- Karyl Roosevelt -% -Ducharme's Precept: - Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. - -Ducharme's Axiom: - If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize - yourself as part of the problem. -% -Duckies are fun! -% -Ducks? What ducks?? -% -Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, -and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - -- Carl Zwanzig -% -Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the -production of great leaders has been discontinued. -% -Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your -fate and captain of your soul. -% -Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. -% -During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has -been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, -pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; -in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. - -- James Madison -% -During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down -several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ -{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o -% -During the Reagan-Mondale debates: - -Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to - perform as president?" -Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and - inexperience." -% -During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a -fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; -and fly your colors proudly. -% -Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! -Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! - -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" -% -Duty, n: - What one expects from others. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have -nothing whatever to do with it. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words -% -Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. - -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. -% -Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - -- Woody Allen -% -E = MC ** 2 +- 3db -% -E Pluribus UNIX. -% -Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. -% -Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. - -- Kernighan -% -Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of -Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, -worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and -imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic -typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in -the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central -corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. -Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs -in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the -offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds -a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, -then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother -company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological -competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's -orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -Each of us bears his own Hell. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs -in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a -university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two -3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. -% -Each person has the right to take the subway. -% -EARL GREY PROFILES - -NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard -OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese -AGE: 94 -BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector -EYES: Grey -SKIN: Tanned -HAIR: Not much -LAST MAGAZINE READ: - Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly -TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. - -EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. -% -Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management -science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about -21st century aircraft: - - "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will - nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the - pilot if he touches anything. - -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 -% -Early to bed and early to rise and you'll -be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. -% -Early to rise and early to bed makes -a man healthy and wealthy and dead. - -- James Thurber -% -Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. -% -Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. -% -/earth: file system full. -% -/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. -% -Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. - -- Jeff Berner -% -Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. - -Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of -side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath --- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -% -Easy come and easy go, - some call me easy money, -Sometimes life is full of laughs, - and sometimes it ain't funny -You may think that I'm a fool - and sometimes that is true, -But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, - with or without you. - -- Hoyt Axton -% -Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. - -- Harry Secombe's diet -% -Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. -% -Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will -happen to either of you for the rest of the day. -% -Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse -will happen to you the rest of the day. - -[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] -% -Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. -% -Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. -% -Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. -% -Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -economics, n.: - Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Economies of scale: - The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want - a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one - biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith - by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected - as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all - those limitations. -% -economist, n: - Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough - personality to become an accountant. -% -Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would -turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. - -- Robert Orben -% -Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a -percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Editing is a rewording activity. -% -Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and -demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. - -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 -% -Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to -time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" -% -Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - -- Daniel J. Boorstin -% -Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. - -- Irwin Edman -% -Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. - -- B.F. Skinner -% -Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead -to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters -of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with -royal-blue chickens. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, -The spirits are about to speak... -% -Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -Ego sum ens omnipotens -% -Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature -to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. - -- Bellamy Brooks -% -Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. -% -Egotism, n: - Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. - -Egotist, n: - A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 -% -Ehrman's Commentary: - 1. Things will get worse before they get better. - 2. Who said things would get better? -% -Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. - -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star -% -...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his -original joy his falling in love with Ada. - -- Nabokov -% -Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because -God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software -engineer. - -- Fred Brooks -% -Eisenhower was very nice, -Nixon was his only vice. - -- C. Degen -% -Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. - -- Groucho Marx' last words -% -ELBONICS: - The actions of two people maneuvering for one - armrest in a movie theatre. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Eleanor Rigby -Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen -Lives in a dream -Waits for a signal, finding some code that will - make the machine do some more. -What is it for? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? - -Hacker MacKensie -Writing the code for a program that no one will run -It's nearly done -Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's - nobody there. -What does he care? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -% -ELECTRIC JELL-O - -2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin -2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water -1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol - -Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til - fully dissolved. -Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) -Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing - glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) -Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. -Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for - the faint of heart. -Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) -Cut into squares and enjoy! - -WARNING: - Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for - children under eight years of age. -% -Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. -% -Electrocution, n: - Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. -% -Elegance and truth are inversely related. - -- Becker's Razor -% -Elephant, n: - A mouse built to government specifications. -% -Elevators smell different to midgets. -% -Eleventh Law of Acoustics: - In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between - frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they - are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with - minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct - compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can - lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, - of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. -% -Eli and Bessie went to sleep. -In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. - "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" -Half asleep, Eli murmured, - "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" -% -Elliptic paraboloids for sale. -% -Elliptical, n: - The feel of a kiss. -% -Eloquence is logic on fire. -% -Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? -Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. -% -Emacs, n: - A slow-moving parody of a text editor. -% -Emersons' Law of Contrariness: - Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do - what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them - for it. -% -Encyclopedia for sale by father. -Son knows everything. -% -Encyclopedia Salesmen: - Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police - and tell them your house is being burgled. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. -Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% -Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning -Endless the quest; -I turn again, back to my own beginning, -And here, find rest. -% -Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of -property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline -of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. - -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" -% -Engineering: "How will this work?" -Science: "Why will this work?" -Management: "When will this work?" -Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" -% -English literature's performing flea. - -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse -% -Engram, n: - 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." -2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer -in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature -of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, -psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson -and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved -conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of -thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory -was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only -ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that -time.] - -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, - 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. -% -enhance, v: - To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. -% -Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. -% -Enjoy yourself while you're still old. -% -Entrepreneur, n: - A high-rolling risk taker who would rather - be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. -% -Entropy isn't what it used to be. -% -Entropy requires no maintenance. - -- Markoff Chaney -% -Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. - -- Onasander -% -Envy, n: - Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, - instead of having to try and acquire one. -% -Enzymes are things invented by biologists -that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. - -- Jerome Lettvin -% -Equal bytes for women. -% -Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. - -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader -% -Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. - "Ever since they threatened to fire me." -% -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-mumsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -% -Eschew obfuscation. -% -Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. - -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 -% -E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) -% -Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - -- Woody Allen -% -Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Etiquette is for those with no breeding; -fashion for those with no taste. -% -Etymology, n: - Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that - were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was - formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), - and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are - hard to swallow." - -- Mike Kellen -% -Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; -Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. - -- Goethe, "Faust" -% -Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of -the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to -Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation -Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, -Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman -Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to -make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return -them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be -a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing -the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that -they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed -over roulette. - -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" -% -Eureka! - -- Archimedes -% -Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. -% -Even a cabbage may look at a king. -% -Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. -% -Even a man who is pure at heart, -And says his prayers at night -Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, -And the moon is full and bright. - -- The Wolf Man, 1941 -% -Even God cannot change the past. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. - -- Menander -% -Even if you do learn to speak correct -English, whom are you going to speak it to? - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. - -- Aristophanes -% -Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - -- Will Rogers -% -Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, -When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, -Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; -And that I knew, though not the day and hour. -Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, -To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: -Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, -I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." -I only hoped, with the mild hope of all -Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, -A fairer summer and a later fall -Than in these parts a man is apt to see, -And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: -I tell you this across the blackened vine. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of - Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 -% -Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. -% -Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous... - -- Robert Benchley -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United -States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. -% -Events are not affected, they develop. - -- Sri Aurobindo -% -Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? -% -Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's -bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? -% -Ever get the feeling that the world's -on tape and one of the reels is missing? - -- Rich Little -% -Ever notice that even the busiest people are -never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? -% -Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? -Simple coincidence? -Maybe... -% -Ever Onward! Ever Onward! -That's the sprit that has brought us fame. -We're big but bigger we will be, -We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity -Has been our aim. -Our products now are known in every zone. -Our reputation sparkles like a gem. -We've fought our way thru -And new fields we're sure to conquer, too -For the Ever Onward IBM! - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -Ever Onward! Ever Onward! -We're bound for the top to never fall, -Right here and now we thankfully -Pledge sincerest loyalty -To the corporation that's the best of all -Our leaders we revere and while we're here, -Let's show the world just what we think of them! -So let us sing men -- Sing men -Once or twice, then sing again -For the Ever Onward IBM! - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -Ever since I was a young boy, -I've hacked the ARPA net, -From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, -Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, -But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, -On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, -That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, -Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, - That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, - Sure sends a mean packet. -He's a UNIX wizard, -There has to be a twist. -The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, -Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, -How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, -I don't know. Types by sense of smell, -What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, - The proper bit flags set, - That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, - Sure sends a mean packet. - -- UNIX Wizard -% -Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? -% -Ever wonder why fire engines are red? - -Because newspapers are read too. -Two and Two is four. -Four and four is eight. -Eight and four is twelve. -There are twelve inches in a ruler. -Queen Mary was a ruler. -Queen Mary was a ship. -Ships sail the sea. -There are fishes in the sea. -Fishes have fins. -The Fins fought the Russians. -Russians are red. -Fire engines are always rush'n. -Therefore fire engines are red. -% -Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer -technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. -The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in -computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long -Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- -trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard -one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the -"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; -there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed -computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using -ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when -anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper -said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred -them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons -Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in -question." - [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in - regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] -% -Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. -Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. -% -Every cloud engenders not a storm. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Every cloud has a silver lining; -you should have sold it, and bought titanium. -% -Every country has the government it deserves. - -- Joseph De Maistre -% -Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -% -Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. -% -Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. -% -Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired -signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not -spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the -genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not -a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it -is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 -% -Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - -- Don Vonada -% -Every love's the love before -In a duller dress. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" -% -Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, -or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. -Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk -only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other -subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his -own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured -by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to -philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, -but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find -in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. - -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 -% -Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Every man takes the limits of his own field -of vision for the limits of the world. - -- Schopenhauer -% -Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich -and powerful know that he is. - -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" -% -Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect -that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers -and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the -essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural -inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued -forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. - -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William -% -Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done -it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. - -- Barrie -% -Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster -than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. -It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. -It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes -up, you'd better be running. -% -Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. -% -Every night my prayers I say, - And get my dinner every day; -And every day that I've been good, - I get an orange after food. -The child that is not clean and neat, - With lots of toys and things to eat, -He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- - Or else his dear papa is poor. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! -But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and -when they aren't. - - When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. - When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. - When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. - When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! -% -Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by -the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he -sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. - -- Morris Kline -% -Every path has its puddle. -% -Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have -drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one -instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program -can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. -% -Every program has (at least) two purposes: - the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. -% -Every silver lining has a cloud around it. -% -Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was -eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is -bend a disk. - -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, - commenting on the benefits of using computers in support - of their movement. -% -Every successful person has had failures -but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. -% -Every suicide is a solution to a problem. - -- Jean Baechler -% -Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. -% -Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! -% -Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. -% -Every time you manage to close the door on -Reality, it comes in through the window. -% -Every why hath a wherefore. - -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" -% -Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. - -- Beckett -% -Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is -the best one. - -- Jack Hurley -% -Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that -called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all -the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; -otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded -and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. -Finally the company president called Sam into his office. - "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's -a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, -you're fired. As of right now." - Sam signed the papers immediately. - "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you -couldn't have signed earlier?" - "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so -clearly before." -% -Everybody has something to conceal. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% -Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and -if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. -% -Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their -fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the -good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay -poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. - -Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain -lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog -just died. - -Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates -and long stem rose. Everybody knows. - -Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really -do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or -two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people -you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. - -And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. -And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. -Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton -for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. - -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" -% -Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. - -- Arthur Miller -% -Everybody needs a little love sometime; -stop hacking and fall in love! -% -Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. -% -Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had -to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. -% -Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. -% -Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. -% -Everyone is entitled to my opinion. -% -Everyone is in the best seat. - -- John Cage -% -Everyone is more or less mad on one point. - -- Rudyard Kipling -% -Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic -formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the -scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact -wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of -existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us -to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking -the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: -the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were -all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely -different way... -% -Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes -to get them. - -- Dirty Harry -% -Everyone was born right-handed. -Only the greatest overcome it. -% -Everyone who comes in here wants three things: - 1. They want it quick. - 2. They want it good. - 3. They want it cheap. -I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. - -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company -% -Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. -% -Everything bows to success, even grammar. -% -Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". -% -Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. -% -Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. - -- Alexander Woollcott -% -Everything in this book may be wrong. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Everything is controlled by a small evil group -to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. -% -Everything is possible. Pass the word. - -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" -% -Everything might be different in the present -if only one thing had been different in the past. -% -Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. -% -Everything should be built top-down, except this time. -% -Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. - -- Erwin Tomash -% -Everything that can be invented has been invented. - -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 -% -Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. -% -Everything will be just tickety-boo today. -% -Everything you know is wrong! -% -Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that -rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. - -- Erwin Knoll -% -Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less -obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no -solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. -There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no -straight lines. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Everything's great in this good old world; -(This is the stuff they can always use.) -God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; -(This will provide for baby's shoes.) -Hunger and War do not mean a thing; -Everything's rosy where'er we roam; -Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! -(This is what fetches the bacon home.) - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" -% -Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My -opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller -that could have been prevented by a good teacher. - -- Flannery O'Connor -% -Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, -Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, -Everyone is looking for the answer, -Well look again. - -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" -% -Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil -of others, but it is seldom a mistake. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Evolution is a million line computer -program falling into place by accident. -% -Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around -the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when -evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can -doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present -life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is -as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with -respect to theories about how the process operates. - -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". -% -Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even -the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. - -- C.C. Colton -% -Example is not the main thing in influencing others. -It is the only thing. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -Excellent day for drinking heavily. -Spike the office water cooler. -% -Excellent day to have a rotten day. -% -Excellent time to become a missing person. -% -Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. - -- Miller -% -Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a -customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: - -Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." -Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." -% -Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from -acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. -% -Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. - -- Marcus Aurelius -% -Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. -% -Exercise caution in your daily affairs. -% -Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, -and just before you realize what is wrong with it. -% -Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. -% -Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. -% -Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. -% -Expedience is the best teacher. -% -Expense accounts, n: - Corporate food stamps. -% -Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. - -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" -% -Experience is not what happens to you; -it is what you do with what happens to you. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Experience is that marvelous thing that enables -you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - -- Franklin Jones -% -Experience is the worst teacher. It always -gives the test first and the instruction afterward. -% -Experience is what causes a person -to make new mistakes instead of old ones. -% -Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. -% -Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. -% -Experience, n: - Something you don't get until just after you need it. - -- Olivier -% -Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, -particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" -% -Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% -Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. -% -External Security: -% -Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples -of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, -but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings -that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have -argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," -and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of -neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid -handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena -than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves -offer more plausible alternatives. - -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: - Implications for Psi Phenomena". -% -Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" -% -Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit -of justice is no virtue. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. -% -f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. -% -F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! -% -f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. -% -FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; -% -Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. -% -Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. - -- Sven Italla -% -Facts are the enemy of truth. - -- Don Quixote -% -Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Failed Attempts To Break Records - In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break -the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised -he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and -doesn't even shout at me." - In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the -record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. - His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended -after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. -"People complained I was too noisy," he said. - In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across -the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my -drone got waterlogged," he said. - A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 -dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes -had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. -% -Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. - -- Sir Walter Raleigh -% -Fairy tale: - A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. -% -Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. -% -Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam -on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. -% -Faith is under the left nipple. - -- Martin Luther -% -Faith, n: - That quality which enables us to - believe what we know to be untrue. -% -Fakir, n: - A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost - religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources - seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. -% -Falling in Love - When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in -love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes -light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, -and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, -these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a -good idea to check with your doctor. - -- Dave Barry -% -Falling in love is a lot like dying. -You never get to do it enough to become good at it. -% -Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in -restraint. - -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". -% -Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; -the only earthly certainty is oblivion. - -- Mark Twain -% -Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an -autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. - -- Marlo Thomas -% -Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. -% -Familiarity breeds attempt. -% -Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. - -- Mark Twain -% -Families, when a child is born -Want it to be intelligent. -I, through intelligence, -Having wrecked my whole life, -Only hope the baby will prove -Ignorant and stupid. -Then he will crown a tranquil life -By becoming a Cabinet Minister - -- Su Tung-p'o -% -Famous last words: -% -Famous last words: - 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. - 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... - 4: We won't need reservations. - 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. - 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. - 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. - 8: Don't worry! Women love it! -% -Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have -forgotten your aim. - -- George Santayana -% -"Fantasies are free." -"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" -% -Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the -former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. - -Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and -reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits -were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women -and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty -deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus -was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. -% -Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western -Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this -at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly -insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are -so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty -neat idea. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more -stressful than divorce. - -- Wall Street Journal -% -Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter -it every six months. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. - -- Victor Hugo -% -Fast, cheap, good: pick two. -% -Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? - -- Han Solo -% -Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! - -- Bill Cosby -% -Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. -% -Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! -% -Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. -Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? -% -Fats Loves Madelyn. -% -Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. -Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. - -- Joe Orton, "Loot" -% -FEAR: - What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. -% -Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. - -- H.S. Thompson -% -Fear is the greatest salesman. - -- Robert Klein -% -feature, n: - A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To - call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not - consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though - not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's - a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. -% -Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation -potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally -disadvantaged. -% -Feel disillusioned? -I've got some great new illusions, right here! -% -Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, -it's Microsoft!" -% -Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, -An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. -Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses -Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. -I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, -A singular development of cat communications -That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection -For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. -A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: -You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; -And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion, -It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. -Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display -Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. -And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, -I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. - -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" -% -Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring -you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter -to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or -other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the -list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add -yours to the bottom of the list. - -Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San -Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find -his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent -out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to -build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at -this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in -her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. - -Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! -% -Female rabbits: - The gift that just "keeps on giving." -% -FENDERBERG: - The large glacial deposits that form on the insides - of car fenders during snowstorms. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Ferguson's Precept: - A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." -% -Fertility is hereditary. If your parents -didn't have any children, neither will you. -% -Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about - a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. -Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the - basic difference between robots and humans? -Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? -Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. - -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" -% -Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - -- Mark Twain -% -Fidelity, n: - A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. -% -Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, -Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -Drink and the devil had done for the rest, -Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! - -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" -% -Fifth Law of Applied Terror: - If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. -Corollary: - If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. -% -File cabinet: - A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. -% -filibuster, n: - Throwing your wait around. -% -Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Finagle's Creed: - Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -% -Finagle's Eighth Law: - If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. - -Finagle's Ninth Law: - No matter what results are expected, - someone is always willing to fake it. - -Finagle's Tenth Law: - No matter what the result someone - is always eager to misinterpret it. - -Finagle's Eleventh Law: - No matter what occurs, someone believes - it happened according to his pet theory. -% -Finagle's First Law: - To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. - -Finagle's Second Law: - Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. - -Finagle's Fourth Law: - Once a job is fouled up, - anything done to improve it only makes it worse. - -Finagle's Fifth Law: - Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. - -Finagle's Sixth Law: - Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% -Finagle's Seventh Law: - The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. -% -Finagle's Third Law: - In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, - beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. - -Corollaries: - 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. - 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really - don't want to hear, will see it immediately. -% -Finality is death. -Perfection is finality. -Nothing is perfect. -There are lumps in it. -% -Fine day for friends. -So-so day for you. -% -Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. -% -Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. -% -Finster's Law: -A closed mouth gathers no feet. -% -First Law of Bicycling: - No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. -% -First law of debate: - Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. -% -First Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility - for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who - imposed the deadline). - -Fifth Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that - there is nothing important to do. -% -First Law of Socio-Genetics: - Celibacy is not hereditary. -% -First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really -self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" -% -First Rule of History: - History doesn't repeat itself -- - historians merely repeat each other. -% -First rule of public speaking. - First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; - then tell 'em; - then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. -% -First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. -But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. -Dial-A-Wombat. - It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone -call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the -phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. - Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of -the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. - But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. - The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its -bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. - Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in -another phone booth. - There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. - The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and -released it, too, in the scrub. - But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another -telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. - After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, -and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. - Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in -telephone booths. - -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. -% -"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; -"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; -and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of -trees to prove their manhood. - -- Dave Barry -% -Fishbowl, n: - A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly - promoted managers are kept for observation. -% -Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. - -- Jimmy Cannon -% -Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. - -- Adolfo Guzman -% -Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. - -- Robert Firth -% -Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, -Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, -I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, -And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, -Yes, I'm goin' insane, -And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, -Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? - Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, - Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a - Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... -You fellah, you tearin' up the street, -You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, -Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, -That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, -Yes, and goin' insane, -You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, -Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? -(chorus) - -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" -% -Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman -were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they -had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled -"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", -the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's -"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and -Irish Political History". -% -Five rules for eternal misery: - 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. - 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to - treat these assumptions as though they are reality. - 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. - 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with - how much better things might have been or how much worse - things might become). - 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to - follow the first four rules. -% -Flame on! - -- Johnny Storm -% -FLANNISTER: - The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -FLASH! -Intelligence of mankind decreasing. -Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... -% -Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. - -- Josh Billings -% -Flattery will get you everywhere. -% -Flee at once, all is discovered. -% -Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. - -- Helen Rowland -% -Flon's Law: - There is not now, and never will be, a language in - which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. -% -flowchart, n. & v. - [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart - "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] - 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni - construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical - representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI - template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. - 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate - misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines - of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. - 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. - 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Flugg's Law: - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize - that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. -% -Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... -% -Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? -Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. -% -Fog Lamps, n: - Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts - of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the - driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". -% -"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a -tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." - -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, - commenting on rumors of womanizing. -% -Foolproof Operation: - No provision for adjustment. -% -Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. -% -Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce -a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? -% -Football combines the two worst features of American life. -It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. - -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" -% -Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. - -- Jimmy Breslin -% -For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. -% -For a light heart lives long. - -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -For adult education nothing beats children. -% -For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, -since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. -% -For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. - -- Gore Vidal -% -For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. -% -For courage mounteth with occasion. - -- William Shakespeare, "King John" -% -For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - -- Harrison -% -For every bloke who makes his mark, -there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. - -- Andy Capp -% -For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. - -- R. Clopton -% -For every human problem, there is a neat, -plain solution -- and it is always wrong. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if -you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or -not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is -that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; -when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor -1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and -'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. - -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 -% -For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. -% -For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel -and cook. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. - -- Alexander Pope -% -For gin, in cruel -Sober truth, -Supplies the fuel -For flaming youth. - -- Noel Coward -% -For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! -% -For good, return good. -For evil, return justice. -% -For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. - -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) -% -For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! -but with break of day I went to make supplication. - -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. -% -For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in -despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the -implacable grandeur of this life. - -- Albert Camus -% -For knighthood is not in the feats of war, -As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, -But in a cause which truth cannot defer: -He ought himself for to make sure and strong, -Just to keep mixt with mercy among: -And no quarrel a knight ought to take -But for a truth, or for the common's sake. - -- Stephen Hawes -% -For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: -and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. - -- Sir Thomas More -% -For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to -get themselves filed. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in -the same room and let them fight it out. - -- Stephen Wright -% -For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I -put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - -- Steven Wright -% -For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at -the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful -power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous -and bad music may be put on record forever. - -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 -% -For people who like that kind of book, -that is the kind of book they will like. -% -FOR SALE: - Parachute. Used once. - Never opened. Slightly Stained. -% -For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say -"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. -% -For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. -% -For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the -massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the -last step of doing away with computers altogether?" - -- Jehan Shuman -% -For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, -each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall -was a gate. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to system overview.] - -% -For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. -This gives me great hope for the human race. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. -% -For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can -neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? - -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to powerfail recovery.] -% -For they starve the frightened little child -Till it weeps both night and day: -And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, -And gibe the old and grey, -And some grow mad, and all grow bad, -And none a word may say. - -Each narrow cell in which we dwell -Is a foul and dark latrine, -And the fetid breath of living Death -Chokes up each grated screen, -And all, but Lust, is turned to dust -In Humanity's machine. - -And all men kill the thing they love, -By all let this be heard, -Some do it with a bitter look, -Some with a flattering word, -The coward does it with a kiss, -The brave man with a sword. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. -When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged -him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to -spend my evenings?" - -- Chamfort -% -For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the -'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow -recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned -protected species. - Ingredients: - 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag - 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal - 1 teaspoonful salt - 8 oz. shredded suet - 2 small onions - 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper - - Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water -overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over -the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus -gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about -half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, -salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for -swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not -available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for -four to five hours. -% -For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -For three days after death hair and fingernails -continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. - -- Johnny Carson -% -For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- -I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. -But now I think a thought that brings me hope: -Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - -- Justin Richardson. -% -Force has no place where there is need of skill. - -- Herodotus -% -"Force is but might," the teacher said-- -"That definition's just." -The boy said naught but thought instead, -Remembering his pounded head: -"Force is not might but must!" -% -Force it!!! -If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... -No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. -% -FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! -% -Forecast, n: - A prediction of the future, based on the past, for - which the forecaster demands payment in the present. -% -Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. -% -Forgetfulness, n: - A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for - their destitution of conscience. -% -Forgive and forget. - -- Cervantes -% -Forgive him, -for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee -And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. - -- Robert Frost -% -Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. -% -FORTH IF HONK THEN -% -FORTRAN is a good example of a language -which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. - -- D. Gries - [What's good about it? Ed.] -% -FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. -% -FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, -occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. - -- A.J. Perlis -% -FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. - -- Steven Feiner -% -FORTRAN rots the brain. - -- John McQuillin -% -FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly -inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is -too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is -hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have -in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive -to use. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- -probably for at least the next decade. - -- T. Cheatham -% -Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. -% -Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of -the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility -of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the -responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals -or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out -claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to -provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with -the accepted body of scientific evidence. - -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, - No. 2, pg. 215 -% -Fortune and love befriend the bold. - -- Ovid -% -FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 - -Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? -A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted - my dissertation to rhyme. -% -FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 - -Q: Is God a myth? -A: No, He's a mythter. -% -fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 - -Low Blows: - Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One -of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must -hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. - -Dressing Up: - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the -garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up -for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about -weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor -party". - -David Letterman: - Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the -Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad -haircut. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 - -Relationships: - First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he -refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular -basis". - When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to -her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then -she will get on with her life. - A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the -breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just -wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I -hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's -always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" -drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are -community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, -these classes rarely prove effective. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 - -Shoes: - The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, -boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor -of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. - -Making friends: - A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things -together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." - A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things -together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, -sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or -psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken -sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a -jerk, I guess you're OK." -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 - -Desserts: - A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic -work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before -she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by -grabbing the cherry in the center. - -Car repair: - The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair -manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem -himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be -fixed without special tools". - The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an -accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the -car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than -the average man. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 - -Weddings: - When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". -Men talk about "the bachelor party". - -Clothes: - Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt -he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about -the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on -the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting -them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. - Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. -They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 - -Trust: - The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling -around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if -she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her -OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that -one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if -his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one -of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, -so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. - -Driving: - - A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind -the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep -him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting -to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The -Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body -shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and -price their policies accordingly. - A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get -rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to -her makeup. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 - -Bathrooms: - A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, -shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. -The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man -would not be able to identify most of these items. - -Groceries: - A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store -and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge -are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys -everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, -his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. -Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 - -Going Out: - When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go -out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready -to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, -checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... - -Cats: - Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't -looking, men kick cats. - -Offspring: - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows -about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends -and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely -aware of some short people living in the house. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 - -Laundry: - Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article -of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight -years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, -he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain -of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at -the laundromat. This is a myth. - -Nicknames: - If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, -they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if -Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately -refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. - -Socks: - Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. -Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures -of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 - -CARTABLANCA: - Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells - only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of - trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer - wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is - fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in - which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 - -MONOPOLI: - Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour - games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after - another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the - Boardwalk property. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 - -O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. - - Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of - shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif - tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in - the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. - With Julie Christie. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 - -MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: - Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and - tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way - into your heart. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 - -WITLESS: - Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role - of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the - run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to - health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly - reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 - -THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: - This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman - forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family - make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales - of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues - and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives - a glowing performance. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 - -RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. - One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, - and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, - man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 - -OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": - This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences - frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of - Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. - Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for - younger viewers. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 - -THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) - The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen - appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable - (if sometimes fatal) lesson. - -THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) - The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving - Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece - of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of - becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 - -THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. - - Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as - everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene - Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and -supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to -more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant -negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a -negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive -as that in support of an affirmative. - -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be -left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it -seems to us that someone has been very careless. - -- 78 So. 365. -% -Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: - -We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" -may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine -species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female -of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two -revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think -it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. - -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 - -skilled oral communicator: - Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. - Argues with self. Loses these arguments. - -skilled written communicator: - Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for - the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. - -growth potential: - With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, - the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet - the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. - -key company figure: - Serves as the perfect counter example. -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 - -consistent: - Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated - that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. - -an excellent sounding board: - Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement - them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. - -a planner and organizer: - Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the - animal tags on his clothing. -% -FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 - -has management potential: - Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the - reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department - pencil monitor. - -inspirational: - A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, - go I.") - -adapts to stress: - Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the - situation. - -goal oriented: - Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails - to meet them. -% -Fortune favors the lucky. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 - - Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 - - "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." - And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas - Cowboy cheerleaders. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 - - "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, - May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." - Juliet, this bud's for you. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 - - If at first you don't succeed, think how many people - you've made happy. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 - - Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? - No, I guess not. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 - - Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 - - "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" - It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. -% -Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 - - A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. -% -fortune: No such file or directory -% -fortune: not found -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. - -^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? -Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. -Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker - renkontas. I've met. -La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. -Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. -Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. -Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. - -^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? -^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? -^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? -Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. -Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. -^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? -% -Fortune presents: - USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. - -Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - ^cevalon. -Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. -Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! -Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? -Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? -Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. -% -FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 - -Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? -Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ -Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! -Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 - -A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy -Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 - -A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. -Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 - -A: To be or not to be. -Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 - -A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. -Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 - -A: Chicken Teriyaki. -Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 - -A: Go west, young man, go west! -Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? -% -FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 - -A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. -Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. -% -FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 - - "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" - -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 -% -FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 - - "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" - -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 -% -Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! - -Try: - ar t "God" - drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) - cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) - Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) - mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) - rm God - man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) - date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) - make "heads or tails of all this" - who is smart - (C shell) - If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? - sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) -% -Fortune's current rates: - - Answers .10 - Long answers .25 - Answers requiring thought .50 - Correct answers $1.00 - - Dumb looks are still free. -% -Fortune's diet truths: -1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. -2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. -3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not - an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. -4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see - salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. -5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as - appealing as tepid beer. -6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! -7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and - low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and - it isn't. -8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. -9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! -10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. -11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and - swallowing. -% -Fortune's Exercising Truths: - -1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. -2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. -3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. -4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. -5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done - quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as - you twitter around in your chair. -6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. -7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around - for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard - racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. -8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, - followed by one throw-up. -9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. -% -FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 - Christmas Rum Cake - -1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder -1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda -1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice -2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar -2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts - -Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now -select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It -must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup -of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric -mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar -and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. -Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups -of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the -beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking -for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a -seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). -Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and -strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. -Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until -poothtick comes out crean. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 - A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. - A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. - A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. - A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat - rather than a spotted one. - Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees - while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a - legume-part of the pea family. - A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 - The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" -Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 - Can you name the seven seas? - Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, - North Pacific, South Pacific. - Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? - Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 - Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 - -In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless -there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red -flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 - According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath -at least once a year. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 - -The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River -can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 - A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in -his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional -ability in that particular field." -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 - -In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own -at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 - Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 - A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the -movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the -right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. -% -FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 - - Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart -a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. -% -Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 - -August 27, 1949: - A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the - Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 -What to do... - if reality disappears? - Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you - can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. - - if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time - traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? - Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. - Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your - younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you - expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles - behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask - when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 -What to do... - if you get a phone call from Mars: - Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit - your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are - speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. - - if he, she or it doesn't speak English? - Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. - If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she - or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before - calling. - - if you get a phone call from Jupiter? - Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, - he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the - conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the - charges may have been reversed. -% -FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 -What to do... - if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? - First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any - film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe - you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, - they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. - Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably - wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. - - if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your - closet contains an alternate dimension? - Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, - and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm - and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not - wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains - an alternate dimension, nail it shut. -% -Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: - -WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: - -Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 -of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the -combination of beauty and power. Few have -excelled him in the use of the English language, -or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, -'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest -single poem ever written." - -Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now -doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are -of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the - bungling and greed of President - Roosevelt. - -... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a -not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. -% -Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals -goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned -House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a -sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero -and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. - -Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are - having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." -Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" -Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is - that female oysters through their living habits cast out large - amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of - fertilization." -Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many - teenagers who read The Congressional Record." -% -FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 - - Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to -your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert -and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything -drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. -% -Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 - -Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over -the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that -the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments -in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an -incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has -never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's -memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having -done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand -the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then -you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, -the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: - - 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. - 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. - 3: When replying to one of your own memos. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 - - Never goose a wolverine. -% -FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 - - Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. -% -Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. -% -Four be the things I am wiser to know: -Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. - -Four be the things I'd been better without: -Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. - -Three be the things I shall never attain: -Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. - -Three be the things I shall have till I die: -Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. - -- Inventory -% -Four be the things I'd been better without: -Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. --- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" -% -Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on -tombstones, women and competitors. - -- Lord Thomas Dewar -% -Four hours to bury the cat? -Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... -% -Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue -ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. -This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. - -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn -% -Fourth Law of Applied Terror: - The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology - instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - -Corollary: - Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except - study for that instructor's course. -% -Fourth Law of Revision: - It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about - interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one - for you. -% -Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. - -- Rhett Buggler -% -Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. - -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" -% -Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. - -- A Yippie Proverb -% -Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. -% -Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. -% -Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. - -- Camus -% -Freedom is slavery. -Ignorance is strength. -War is peace. - -- George Orwell -% -Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. -% -Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. - -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" -% -Fremen add life to spice! -% -Fresco's Discovery: - If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. -% -Friction is a drag. -% -Fried's 1st Rule: - Increased automation of clerical function - invariably results in increased operational costs. -% -Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - -- Thomas Jones -% -Friends, n: - People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. - - People who know you well, but like you anyway. -% -Friends, Romans, Hipsters, -Let me clue you in; -I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. -The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; -The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. -The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; -If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, -And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. -Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a - real cool cat; -So are they all, all cool cats, -- -Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. -% -Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority -over the other. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, -your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. -% -From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. - -- Ad for the new VW Corrado -% -From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. -That is the point that must be reached. - -- F. Kafka -% -From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. -% -From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -From the crystal swirling waters, -Of the Rio Amazon, -To the sacred halls of Bayonne, -Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) -From ev'ry hallowed venue, -Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, -Your butt is on the menu -And the check is in the mail. - -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" -% -From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was -convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -From too much love of living, -From hope and fear set free, -We thank with brief thanskgiving, -Whatever gods may be, -That no life lives forever, -That dead men rise up never, -That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. - -- Swinburne -% -F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: - "Ernest, the rich are different from us." -Hemingway: - "Yes. They have more money." -% -Fudd's First Law of Opposition: - Push something hard enough and it will fall over. -% -Fun experiments: - Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. - Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... - bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. -% -Fun Facts, #14: - In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how - it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. -% -Fun Facts, #63: - The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. - It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the - Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in - 1510. -% -Function reject. -% -Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. -% -FURBLING: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -furbling, v: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank - even when you are the only person in line. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - -- H.H. Williams -% -Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... -but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. -% -Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. -% -Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: - Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that -there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. -% -Garbage In - Gospel Out. -% -Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on -our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! - -- Adventures of Asterix -% -Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". - -Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the -harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: - "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." -Obvious, isn't it? - Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start -speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as -long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all -your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and -so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed -individuals and then grow.... - Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those -signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when -everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on -the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs -backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? -I think not, my friend, I think not. - -- Arthur Naiman -% -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for - instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch - the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good - in it today, either. -% -GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) - Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you - can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise - and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short - trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. -% -GENDERPLEX: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to - determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -genderplex, n: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to - determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and - tortoises). - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -GENEALOGY: - An account of one's descent from an ancestor - who did not particularly care to trace his own. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -General notions are generally wrong. - -- Lady M.W. Montagu -% -Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. - -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 -% -Generic Fortune. -% -Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. -% -Genetics explains why you look like your father, -and if you don't, why you should. -% -GENIUS: - A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. -% -GENIUS: - Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right - time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying - all the right things to all the right people. -% -Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. - -- Owen Meredith -% -Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. - -- Thomas Alva Edison -% -Genius is pain. - -- John Lennon -% -Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. -% -Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. -% -Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -genius, n: - A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with - "bright". -% -genlock, n: - Why he stays in the bottle. -% -Gentlemen, - Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach -to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying -with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and -thence by dispatch to our headquarters. - We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all -manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. -I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. -Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable -exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. - Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted -for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous -confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry -regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness -may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, -a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. - This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of -my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand -why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it -must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either -one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: - 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit -of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: - 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. - -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, - London, 1812 -% -Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's -old girl friend. -% -George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of -his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: - "Bring a friend, if you have one." - -Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he -had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: - "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." -% -George Orwell was an optimist. -% -George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to -have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. - -- Ashley Cooper -% -George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let -me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. - "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." - At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet -and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. -No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. -George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at -the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." -Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. - "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George -yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" - "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're -gonna get on Labor Day." -% -(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only -one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, -"And he didn't understand me." -% -Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: - 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. - 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. - 3) The energy required to change either one of these states - will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so - much as to make the task totally impossible. -% -Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. -% -Get GUMMed ----------- - -The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 -(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground -directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the -hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with -forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and -sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the -ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown -of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You -Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis -"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You -Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all -GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell -them. - -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 -% -Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -Getting into trouble is easy. - -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser -% -Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked -out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. - -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out - of the American Bar Association -% -Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. - -Corollary: - Following the rules will not get the job done. -% -Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. -% -Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): - -'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) -Snatch them from their little housies (...) -First we chase them 'round the field (...) -Then we have them for a meal (...) - -Toss them here and catch them there (...) -See them flying through the air (...) -Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) -Falling mice have great appeal (...) - -See the hunter stretched before us (...) -He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) -Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) -Of the blood of little critters (...) -% -Gilbert's Discovery: - Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces - sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. -% -Gil-galad was an Elven-King -of him the harpers sadly sing; -the last whose realm was fair and free -between the Mountains and the Sea. - -His sword was long, his lance was keen, -his shining helm afar was seen; -the countless stars of heaven's field -were mirrored in his silver shield. - -But long ago he rode away, -and where he dwelleth none can say; -for into darkness fell his star -in Mordor where the shadows are. -% -Ginger Snap -% -Ginsberg's Theorem: - 1. You can't win. - 2. You can't break even. - 3. You can't even quit the game. - -Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: - - Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem - meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's - Theorem. To wit: - - 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. - 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. - 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. -% -Ginsburg's Law: - At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your -big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. -% -GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. -% -Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. -Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. - -- Calvin Keegan -% -Give a small boy a hammer and he will find -that everything he encounters needs pounding. -% -Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. -% -Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down -that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". -% -Give him an evasive answer. -% -Give me a fish and I will eat today. -Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. -% -Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh -dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. -% -Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. -% -Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. - -- St. Augustine -% -Give me libertines or give me meth. -% -Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, -Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! -But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, -Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. - -- George Canning -% -Give me your students, your secretaries, -Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, -The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. -Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. -I lift my disk beside the processor. - -- Inscription on a Word Processor -% -Give thought to your reputation. -Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. -% -GIVE UP!!!! -% -Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. -% -Give your very best today. -Heaven knows it's little enough. -% -Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. - -- William Faulkner -% -Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the -Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. - -- John Gilmore -% -Given my druthers, I'd druther not. -% -Given sufficient time, what you put -off doing today will get done by itself. -% -Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd -rather lie around. No contest. - -- Eric Clapton -% -Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and -car keys to teenage boys. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages -whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits -LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -GLEEMITES: - Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: - Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the - probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting - some useful work done. -% -Gloffing is a state of mine. -% -Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): - fifth of dry red wine - fifth of Aquavit - 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon - 10 cardamom seeds - 1 cup raisins - 4 dried figs - 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds - a few pieces of dried orange peel - 5 cloves - 1/2 lb. sugar cubes - Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine -for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT -the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire -strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. -Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve -hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. - N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only -if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish -extraction. -% -Go ahead... make my day. - -- Dirty Harry -% -Go ahead, make my day. - -- Harry Callahan -% -Go away, I'm all right. - -- H.G. Wells' last words. -% -Go away! Stop bothering me with all your -"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. - -logout -% -Go climb a gravity well. -% -Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. -% -Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go -into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this -morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to -start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. - -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home -% -Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. - -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides -% -Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, -but quickly to their misfortunes. - -- Chilo -% -Go to a movie tonight. -Darkness becomes you. -% -Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to -all your troubles. - -- Andrew Jackson - -The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the -teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith -in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. - -- Calvin Coolidge - -Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and -religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted -on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be -secure which is not supported by moral habits. - -- Daniel Webster -% -Go 'way! You're bothering me! -% -Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... - -- Wally Shawn -% -GOD: - Darwin's chief rival. -% -God created a few perfect heads. -The rest he covered with hair. -% -God created woman. -And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- -but many other things ceased as well. -Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Nietzsche -% -God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed -around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. -% -God gave man two ears and one tongue so -that we listen twice as much as we speak. - -- Arab proverb -% -God gives burdens; also shoulders. - - Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech -at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish -saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth -though; why would he lie about a thing like that? - -- Arthur Naiman -% -God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. -% -God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to -change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. -% -God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... -The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do -not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... -not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking -and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is -not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the -morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! - -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher -% -God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more -that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. - -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect -% -God help those who do not help themselves. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -God helps them that helps themselves. - -- B. Franklin -% -God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! -% -God instructs the heart, not by ideas, -but by pains and contradictions. - -- De Caussade -% -God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. -% -God is a polytheist. -% -God is Dead. - -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead. - -- God -Nietzsche is God. - -- Dead -% -God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... - -- Ralph Moonen -% -God is love, but get it in writing. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a -much less ambitious project. -% -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! -% -God is real, unless declared integer. -% -God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the -elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying -other things. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - -- Alfred Jarry -% -God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. -% -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% -God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. - -- Paul Valery -% -God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. -% -God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - -- Kronecker -% -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% -God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. - -- Albert Einstein -% -God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. -% -God must love the common man; He made so many of them. -% -God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, -Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. -The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol -Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. -The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get -Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. -(chorus) (chorus) - -We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, -They'll send without delay The network's also dead, -A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on -It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. -The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. -We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. -(chorus) (chorus) - -And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, -Before we go away, Comfort and joy, -We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. -Won't ruin your whole day. -You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. -(chorus) - -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen -% -God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, -and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. - -- William Bragg -% -God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. -% -God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. -% -God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects -to receive it. - -- Austin O'Malley -% -God votes Republican. -% -God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Goda's Truism: - By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, - somebody moves the ends. -% -Going the speed of light is bad for your age. -% -Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school -make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. -% -Gold, n: - A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It - is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich - men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, - although gold hasn't done anything to them. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Goldenstern's Rules: - 1. Always hire a rich attorney. - 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. -% -Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops -eating before he bursts. -% -Gold's Law: - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -% -Gomme's Laws: - (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. - (2) Time accelerates. - (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. -% -Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) - -- by Margaret Mitchell - - A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. - -Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) - -- by O. Henry - - A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. - -The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) - -- by Ernest Hemingway - - An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. - -Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) - -- by Anne Frank - - A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. -% -Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. -% -Good advice is something a man gives -when he is too old to set a bad example. - -- La Rouchefoucauld -% -Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. -% -Good day for business affairs. -Make a pass at that the new file clerk. -% -Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. -% -Good day to deal with people in high places; -particularly lonely stewardesses. -% -Good day to let down old friends who need help. -% -Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational -at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred -ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a -song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. -% -Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. -% -Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. -% -Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of -those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the -will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of -government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. - -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" -% -"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. -% -Good judgement comes from experience. -Experience comes from bad judgement. - -- Jim Horning -% -Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. -% -Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're -giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely -at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. -% -Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. -% -Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. -% -Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. -% -Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! -% -Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. -% -Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's -new lover. -% -Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. - -- R.E. Schenk -% -Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. - -- Gail Godwin -% -Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - -- George Saunders' dying words -% -Goodbye, cool world. -% -Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with -tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human -misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known -that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to -my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised -my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the -holy words, "Heil Hitler!" - -- George Lincoln Rockwell -% -Gordon's Law: - If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. -% -gossip, n: - Hearing something you like about someone you don't. - -- Earl Wilson -% -//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH -% -Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? -Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": - - 1-800-AUDITME -% -Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. -% -Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, -I went out for a ride and never came back. -Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, -I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. - - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - Lay down your money and you play your part, - Everybody's got a hungry heart. - -I met her in a Kingstown bar, -We fell in love, I knew it had to end. -We took what we had and we ripped it apart, -Now here I am down in Kingstown again. - -Everybody needs a place to rest, -Everybody wants to have a home. -Don't make no difference what nobody says, -Ain't nobody likes to be alone. - -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" -% -Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. -% -Gourmet, n: - Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or - revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're - leaving the best part. -% -Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any -more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't -know much. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know -any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he -doesn't know much. - -- Will Rogers -% -Government's Law: - There is an exception to all laws. -% -Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's -leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on -board. - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Grabel's Law: - 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. -% -Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. -% -Graduate students and most professors are -no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. -% -Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke -he exclaimed: - "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, - or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Grandpa Charnock's Law: - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. - - [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] -% -Graphics blind the eyes. -Audio files deafen the ear. -Mouse clicks numb the fingers. -Heuristics weaken the mind. -Options wither the heart. - -The Guru observes the net -but trusts his inner vision. -He allows things to come and go. -His heart is as open as the ether. -% -GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: - A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. -% -Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. - -- Joseph Alsop -% -GRAVITY: - What you get when you eat too much and too fast. -% -Gravity brings me down. -% -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% -Gray's Law of Programming: - 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be - accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. - -Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: - 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. -% -Great acts are made up of small deeds. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Great American Axiom: - Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): - -On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his -place of residence. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 - -Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. -% -GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 - -Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. -% -Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - -- Albert Einstein - -They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they -also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - -- Carl Sagan -% -Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. -% -Green light in A.M. for new projects. -Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. -% -Green's Law of Debate: -Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. -% -Grelb's Reminder: - Eighty percent of all people consider - themselves to be above average drivers. -% -grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. -% -Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full -value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. - -- Mark Twain -% -Griffin's Thought: - When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. -% -Grig (the navigator): - ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space - armada. -Alex (the gunner): - What?!? -Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against - overwhelming odds. -Alex: It'll be a slaughter! -Grig: That's the spirit! - -- The Last Starfighter -% -Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: - At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. -% -Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the -groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. - -- Johnny Carson -% -Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on -better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating -during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, -"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." - "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate -maybe, but not in the House." -% -Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. - -- Maurice Chevalier -% -Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good -reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional -concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, -disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without -any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced -meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like -Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the -adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively -authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public -television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular -sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by -combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the -universe while straddling a giant worm. - -- Arnold Klein -% -Grub first, then ethics. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -GUILLOTINE: - A French chopping center. -% -Gumperson's Law: - The probability of a given event - occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. -% -Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. -% -Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: - (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, - the aircraft will encounter turbulence. - (2) The strength of the turbulence - is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. -% -GURMLISH: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents - the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which - prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof - of his mouth. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -GURU: - A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with - a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the - phone call you are about to receive from your boss. -% -guru, n: - A computer owner who can read the manual. -% -gy-ro-scope: - A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also - free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to - each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the - two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of - torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the - entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on - the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction - of the axis of spin. - -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary -% -hacker, n: - Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate -things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical -philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. - In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body -of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in -a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, -and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: - - Hacker's Fight Song - - He's a Hack! He's a Hack! - He's a guy with the happy knack! - Never bungles, never shirks, - Always gets his stuff to work! - -All take a drink (important!) -% -Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. -% -Hacker's Guide To Cooking: -2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't - really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) -1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty - strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) -1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) -8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you - can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) -"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to - join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through - merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy - and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric - beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off - the ceiling(3m). -"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You - just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? - If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent - GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. -"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge - for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and - by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. -% -Hacker's Law: - The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir - a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. -% -Hackers of the world, unite! -% -Hacker's Quicky #313: - Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips - Microwave Egg Roll - Chocolate Milk -% -Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. -% -"Had he and I but met -By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, -We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, -Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, - And killed him in his place. -I shot him dead because -- -Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, -Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- -That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps - No other reason why. -Yes; quaint and curious war is! -You shoot a fellow down -You'd treat, if met where any bar is -Or help to half-a-crown." - -- Thomas Hardy -% -Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some -useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. - -- Alfonso the Wise - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to operating system initialization.] -% -Had this been an actual emergency, we would have -fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. -% -Hail to the sun god -He's such a fun god -Ra! Ra! Ra! -% -Hailing frequencies open, Captain. -% -Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that -a big enough majority in any town? - -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" -% -Hale Mail Rule, The: - When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least - one of the following: - (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. - (b) Stationery. - (c) Postage stamp. - (d) The letter you are answering. -% -Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. -But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? -But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, -When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? -% -Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) -% -Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. -% -Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, -and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. -% -half-done, n: - This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, - light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this - and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the - difference between life and death. - - You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there - in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, - fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, - transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on - Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk - about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the - man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? - -- Arthur Naiman -% -Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. -% -Hall's Laws of Politics: - (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. - (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want - something fixed. - (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend - military spending, and conservatives social spending in - their own districts). -% -hand, n: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human - arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -% -Handel's Proverb: - You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! -% -handshaking protocol, n: - A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a - terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by - occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. -% -Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. - -- Pink Floyd -% -hangover, n: - The wrath of grapes. -% -Hanlon's Razor: - Never attribute to malice - that which is adequately explained by stupidity. -% -Hanson's Treatment of Time: - There are never enough hours in a day, - but always too many days before Saturday. -% -Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. -% -happiness, adv: - An agreeable sensation arising - from contemplating the misery of another. -% -happiness, adv: - Finding the owner of a lost bikini. -% -Happiness is a hard disk. -% -Happiness is a positive cash flow. -% -Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - -- Ingrid Bergman -% -Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. -% -Happiness is the greatest good. -% -Happiness is twin floppies. -% -Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. -% -Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - -- Oscar Levant -% -Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. -% -Happy feast of the pig! -% -Happy is the child whose father died rich. -% -hard, adj: - The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those - of other people. -% -Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. - -- Daniel Dennett -% -Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? -% -Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - -- Charlie McCarthy -% -Hardware: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% -Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin -and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast -sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. - Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and -hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao -lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does -not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, -for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." - Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -% -hardware, n: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% -Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark -The Duke is fond of kittens -He likes to take their insides out -And use them for his mittens - -- The Thirteen Clocks -% -Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, -Advertising wondrous things. - -Angels we have heard on High -Tell us to go out and Buy. -% -Harp not on that string. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Harriet's Dining Observation: - In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats - increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. -% -Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George -and I were waiting with our plates ready. - "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help -the gravy with." - The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to -reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round -again, Harris and the pie were gone! - It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for -hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were -on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. - George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. - "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. - "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. - There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly -theory. - "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending -to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." - And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he -hadn't been carving that pie." - -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" -% -Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: - Experience is directly proportional to the amount of - equipment ruined. -% -Harrison's Postulate: -For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -% -Harris's Lament: - All the good ones are taken. -% -Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as -always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that -required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There -were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 -feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit -a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the -pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral -procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, -took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as -the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball -again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, -waiting for the funeral to pass like that." - Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It -was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I -could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, -you know." -% -Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us -all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for -its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs -romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any -wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They -amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. -We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. -We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." - -- Dave Barry -% -Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with -milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the -sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do -with all that pep and vitality. -% -Hartley's First Law: - You can lead a horse to water, but if you can - get him to float on his back, you've got something. -% -Hartley's Second Law: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% -HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. - -My corollary: - The completely psychotic have all the fun. -% -Harvard Law: - Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, - temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the - organism will do as it damn well pleases. -% -HARVARD: -Quarterback: - Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with -a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski -has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed -has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. -Wide Receiver: - The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior -Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being -fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five -or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you -asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of -those times. -YALE: -Defense: - On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. -Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron -Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to -the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds -out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening -coin toss. - -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game -% -Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? -% -"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" -"Yes; I don't have one." -"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington -% -Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to -defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a -non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? - Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This -still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only -serves to blunt the warning signs. - - Long live the revolution! - Have a nice day. -% -Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed -with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard -was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. -It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, -but a lot harder than it appears. -% -Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it -appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, -and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us -not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its -incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" -% -Haste makes waste. - -- John Heywood -% -Hatcheck girl: - "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" -Mae West: - "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." - -- "Night After Night", 1932 -% -Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is -stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. -% -Hate the sin and love the sinner. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, -unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. - -- Mike Royko -% -hatred, n: - A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -% -Have a coke and a smile! - -- John DeLorean -% -Have a nice day! -% -Have a nice diurnal anomaly. -% -Have a place for everything and keep the thing -somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. - -- Mark Twain -% -Have a taco. - -- P.S. Beagle -% -Have at you! -% -Have no friends not equal to yourself. - -- Confucius -% -Have the courage to take your own thoughts -seriously, for they will shape you. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Have you ever felt like a wounded cow -halfway between an oven and a pasture? -walking in a trance toward a pregnant - seventeen-year-old housewife's - two-day-old cookbook? - -- Richard Brautigan -% -Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? - -Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, -she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and -whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. -So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to -remain so. - -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" -% -Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying -to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' -never find the time for play? -% -Have you flogged your kid today? -% -Have you locked your file cabinet? -% -Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, -vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? -% -Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can -photograph an American with his mouth shut! -% -Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, -Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? -In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side -Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. - -How can you tell me you're lonely, -And say for you the sun don't shine? -Let me take you by the hand -Lead you through the streets of London -I'll show you something to make you change your mind... - -Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission -Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. -In our winter city the rain cries a little pity -For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... -% -Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? -On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, -High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, -Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... -If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, -Why don't you go where fashion sits, -... -Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, -Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) -Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, -Or umberellas, in their mitts, -Puttin' on the Ritz. -... -If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, -Why don't you go where fashion sits, -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -Puttin' on the Ritz. -% -Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin -in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, -then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and -eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, -blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After -the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. - -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" -% -Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. -% -Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - -- Martin Mull -% -Having no talent is no longer enough. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Having nothing, nothing can he lose. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. - -- Socrates -% -Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly -relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with -the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. - "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big -dog, too!" -% -"Hawk, we're going to die." -"Never say die... and certainly never say we." - -- M*A*S*H -% -Hawkeye's Conclusion: - It's not easy to play the clown - when you've got to run the whole circus. -% -He: Do you like Kipling? -She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! -% -He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" -She: "What do you want me to yell?" - -- Benny Hill -% -HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. -SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. - -- Walt Kelley -% -He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. - -- S. Wright -% -He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all -the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" -% -He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. - -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" -% -He draweth out the thread of his verbosity -finer than the staple of his argument. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. -% -He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation -perfectly delightful. - -- Sydney Smith -% -He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild -and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned -all hope of ever behaving "normally." - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, -Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". - -- Stig's Inferno -% -He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. - -- Bion -% -He hath eaten me out of house and home. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle -of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he -said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." - -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" -% -He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. - -- John LeCarre -% -He is considered a most graceful speaker -who can say nothing in the most words. -% -He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. -% -He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -He is now rising from affluence to poverty. - -- Mark Twain -% -He is the best of men who dislikes power. - -- Mohammed -% -He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. -% -He jests at scars who never felt a wound. - -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" -% -He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. -% -He knew the tavernes well in every toun. - -- Geoffrey Chaucer -% -He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. - -- Sir Richard Burton -% -He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, -once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. -% -He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. - -- Ring Lardner -% -He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. - -- Andrew Lang -% -He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain -had fallen to the ground. - -- The Book of Serenity -% -(He opens a tolm and begins.) - - It says: "In the beginning was the Word." - Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. - The Word does not deserve the highest prize, - I must translate it otherwise. - If I am well inspired and not blind. - It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." - Ponder that first line, wait and see, - Lest you should write too hastily. - Is the Mind the all-creating source? - It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." - Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, - That my translation must be changed again. - The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. - I write: "In the beginning was the Act." - -- Goethe's Faust -% -[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. - -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. - -My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. - -- Peter Stack, movie review - -His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. - -- John Stark, movie review -% -He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% -He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, -And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband -% -He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. - -- Scottish proverb. -% -He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. - -- B. Franklin -% -He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. -% -He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -% -He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. - -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" -% -He thought he saw an albatross -That fluttered 'round the lamp. -He looked again and saw it was -A penny postage stamp. -"You'd best be getting home," he said, -"The nights are rather damp." -% -He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than -three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. -In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by -slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, -the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." - -- Eric Van Lustbader -% -[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had -a complete set. - -- Ring Lardner -% -He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. -% -He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he -made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she -disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to -dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he -told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." - -- Jack Handey -% -He was part of my dream, of course -- -but then I was part of his dream too. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -% -He was the sort of person whose personality -would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. -% -He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. -% -He who attacks the fundamentals of the American -broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS -% -He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for -the human condition is a fool. - -- Albert Camus -% -He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. - -- Sinbad -% -He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. -% -He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. -% -He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. -% -He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. -% -He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. -% -He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much -a master of the world as he who is ready to die. - -- Giacomo Leopardi -% -He who hates vices hates mankind. -% -He who hesitates is a damned fool. - -- Mae West -% -He who hesitates is last. -% -He who hesitates is sometimes saved. -% -He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. -% -He who invents adages for others to peruse -takes along rowboat when going on cruise. -% -He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. -% -He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. -% -He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. -% -He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't -encounter many rivals. - -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" -% -He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the -night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his -senses until the day of judgement. - -- Saadi -% -He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. -% -He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. -He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. -He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. -% -He who knows nothing, knows nothing. -But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. -And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, - he knows something. Or something like that. -% -He who knows others is wise. -He who knows himself is enlightened. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. - -- Lao Tsu -% -He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. -% -He who laughs last didn't get the joke. -% -He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. -% -He who laughs last is probably your boss. -% -He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. -% -He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. -% -He who laughs, lasts. -% -He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. -% -He who loses, wins the race, -And parallel lines meet in space. - -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" -% -He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. - -- Dr. Johnson -% -He who minds his own business is never unemployed. -% -He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will -be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. - -- Sir Richard Burton -% -He who slings mud generally loses ground. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -He who slings mud loses ground. - -- Chinese Proverb -% -He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. -% -He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. -% -He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. - -- Sinbad -% -He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. - -- M.C. Escher -% -He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion -on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general -education and culture. - -- Julia Norton McCorkle -% -HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! -Details at 11. -% -Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. -% -Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, -lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - -- Redd Foxx -% -Hear about... - the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and - started chiseling on his wife? -% -Hear about... - the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she - would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? -% -Hear about... - the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and - attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended - up a chopped libber? -% -Hear about... - the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because - he wanted to transcend dental medication? -% -Hear about... - the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings - that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This - Space"? -% -Hear about... - the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated - company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the - typewriter's ribbon? -% -Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? -Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. -% -Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. -From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. - -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce -% -Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several -Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. -% -Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. - -- The Wizard of Oz -% -Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, -on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. - -- Dr. John Lightfoot, - Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University -% -heaven, n: - A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of - their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while - you expound your own. -% -Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. - -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 -% -heavy, adj: - Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. -% -Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! -% -Heisenberg may have been here. -% -Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - -- Milton Friedman -% -Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, -for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. - -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" -% -Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, -how are they supposed to know you care? -% -Hell is empty and all the devils are here. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" -% -hell, n: - Truth seen too late. -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. - -Johnson's Corollary: - Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the - organization. -% -Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you -please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -% -Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a -date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? -And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so -you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right -smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you -don't hear your girl screaming any more? - - Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! - You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! - You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! -% -"Hello," he lied. - -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent -% -Hell's broken loose. - -- Robert Greene -% -Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! -% -Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! -% -HELP! Man trapped in a human body! -% -HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! - -- E. E. CUMMINGS -% -Help a swallow land at Capistrano. -% -HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! -% -Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! -% -Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! -% -Hempstone's Question: - If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -% -Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without -getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering -her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or -regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make -them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging -them, without any power of engaging their respect. - -- J. Austen -% -Her locks an ancient lady gave -Her loving husband's life to save; -And men -- they honored so the dame -- -Upon some stars bestowed her name. - -But to our modern married fair, -Who'd give their lords to save their hair, -No stellar recognition's given. -There are not stars enough in heaven. -% -Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? -One fortunate cookie... -% -Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; -from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... -% -Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. -% -Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be -I've been caught inside this trap too many times -I must've walked these steps and said these words a - thousand times before -It seems like I know everybody's lines. - -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" -% -Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when -I grow up. - -- Peter Drucker -% -Here I sit, broken-hearted, -All logged in, but work unstarted. -First net.this and net.that, -And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. - -The boss comes by, and I play the game, -Then I turn back to net.flame. -Is there a cure (I need your views), -For someone trapped in net.news? - -I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, -'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. -% -Here in my heart, I am Helen; - I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. -I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; - I'm Salome, moon of the East. - -Here in my soul I am Sappho; - Lady Hamilton am I, as well. -In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, - With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. - -I'm all of the glamorous ladies - At whose beckoning history shook. -But you are a man, and see only my pan, - So I stay at home with a book. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical -lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your -hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you -notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This -teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never -use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. - It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed -your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects -that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. -The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, -where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels -down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. - -- Dave Barry -% -Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: -if you're alive, it isn't. -% -Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According -to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe -marketing anxiety in China. - -The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the -inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". - -Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - -The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get -a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax -tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad -satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle -% -HERE LIES LESTER MOORE -SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 -NO LES -NO MOORE - -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ -% -Here lies my wife: her let her lie! -Now she's at rest, and so am I. - -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife -% -Here there by tygers. -% -HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in -the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms -around as if you're going to fall. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like -`Psychic Wins Lottery.' - -- Jay Leno -% -Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther -King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: - - * Governmental offices - * Post offices - * Libraries - * Schools - * Banks - * Parts of Palm Beach - -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" -% -Herth's Law: - He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. -% -He's been like a father to me, -He's the only DJ you can get after three, -I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, -And why he don't like me I don't understand. - -- The Byrds -% -He's dead, Jim. -% -He's got the heart of a little child, -and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. -% -He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... -% -He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. -% -He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of -his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. - -- Phil Lapsley -% -He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd -be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. -% -Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. -If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. -% -Hewett's Observation: - The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or - her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of - peers similarly engaged. -% -Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl -To get a little more stack; -If that's not enough then you lose it all -And have to pop all the way back. -% -Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were -gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? -% -HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: - Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to - tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because - these words were spoken. -% -"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" -"Whattaya need?" -"Oh, about $500." -"Whattaya got for collateral?" -"Whattaya need?" -"How about an eye?" - -- Sam Giancana -% -Hey, what do you expect from a culture that -*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? - -- Gallagher -% -Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother -Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. -% -Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and -the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please -leave your name and message after the beep... -% -Hi! How are things going? - (just fine, thank you...) -Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? - (you just asked one...) -Well, how about one more? - (one more than the first one?) -Yes. - (you already asked that...) -[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] -May I ask two questions, sir? - (no.) -May I ask ONE then? - (nope...) -Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? - (yes, you may.) -Sir, how may I ask you a question? - (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for - the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that - number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the - next one) -Sir, may I ask nine questions? - (go right ahead...) -% -Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As -you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal -height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have -a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the -makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is -different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, -there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a -cabin cruiser. - -Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our -motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' - -- Dave Barry -% -Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. -You wanna help on the audit now? -% -Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person -reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, -nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. -% -Hickery Dickery Dock, -The mice ran up the clock, -The clock struck one, -The others escaped with minor injuries. -% -Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? - - WE CAN HELP! - -Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. -% -Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; -Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. -Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws -Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; - We buried him today because - As far as we can tell, he's dead. - - -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty - Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele -% -Higgeldy Piggeldy, -Hamlet of Elsinore -Ruffled the critics by -Dropping this bomb: -"Phooey on Freud and his -Psychoanalysis, -Oedipus, Shmoedipus, -I just loved Mom." -% -Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. -Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a - little of both. - -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" -% -High heels are a device invented by a woman -who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. -% -High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: -Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high - saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it - smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the - people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and - breakfast cereals, and lima bean- -High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. -Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take - out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. - *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the - counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither - count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is - RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, - then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being - naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. -All: Amen. - -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" -% -HIGH TECHNOLOGY: - A California innovation composed - of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. -% -Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. -% -Hildebrant's Principle: - If you don't know where you are going, - any road will get you there. -% -Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" -Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." -Him: "Really? That's incredible... - It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." - -- "The Jerk" -% -Hindsight is always 20:20. - -- Billy Wilder -% -Hindsight is an exact science. -% -hippogriff, n: - An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. - The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half - eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter - eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. - The study of zoology is full of surprises. -% -Hire the morally handicapped. -% -His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob -a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. - -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" -% -...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. - -- Tommy -% -"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling -outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." -% -His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred -to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never -claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- -stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. -Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers -went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of -prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, -goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through -the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the -Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze -rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. -Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... - -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" -% -His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. -% -His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. - -- P.G. Wodehouse -% -His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. -% -His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. -% -Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer -of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that -continues to this day. - -- Wayne Shannon -% -History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. -% -History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history -of the Mexican revolution: - - "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was -captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and -shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to -the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the -army where he was then executed." -% -History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- -i.e. none to speak of. - -- Lazarus Long -% -History is curious stuff - You'd think by now we had enough -Yet the fact remains I fear - They make more of it every year. -% -History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, -cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. - -- Leo Tolstoy -% -History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). -% -History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" -% -History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. -% -History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second -time as bedroom farce. -% -History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. -% -History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, -periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them -asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at -intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago -state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. - -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" -% -Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, -Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. -Pour my black old coffee longer, -While that smell is gettin' stronger -A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. - -Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, -With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, -If that coat'll fit you're wearin', -The Lord'll bless your sharin' -A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. - -And let me halfway fall in love, -For part of a lonely night, -With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. -Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- -Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, -With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. - -- Elroy Blunt -% -Hitchcock's Staple Principle: - The stapler runs out of staples - only while you are trying to staple something. -% -H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. -There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenhein -% -H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. -Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenheim -% -H.L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. - - [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] -% -Hlade's Law: - If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- - they will find an easier way to do it. -% -Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: -An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. - -The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional -media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, -discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores -our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental -structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to -remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and -creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its -inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and -class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of -the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has -sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to -exist in a more fundamental sense. -% -Hoare's Law of Large Problems: - Inside every large problem is a small - problem struggling to get out. -% -Hodie natus est radici frater. -% -Hoffer's Discovery: - The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly - revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. -% -Hofstadter's Law: - It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take - Hofstadter's Law into account. -% -HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- - Take a shot every time: - --- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" --- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. --- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. --- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). --- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots - if it's one of our heroes on the other end). --- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. --- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and - tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). --- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. --- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. --- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). --- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. --- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. --- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". --- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). --- Lebeau wears his apron. --- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the - plan is impossible. --- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. -% -Hollerith, v: - What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. -% -Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? -Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? - - Tune in again tomorrow: - same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! -% -HOLY MACRO! -% -Home is the place where, when you have to go there, -they have to take you in. - -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" -% -Home is where the hurt is. -% -Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a -cage is to a cockatoo. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. -% -"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. - -- Plato -% -Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - -- F.M. Hubbard -% -Honesty's the best policy. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -honeymoon, n: - A short period of doting between dating and debting. - -- Ray C. Bandy -% -Honi soit la vache qui rit. -% -Honk if you love peace and quiet. -% -honorable, adj: - Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative - bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; - as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -% -Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Hope is a waking dream. - -- Aristotle -% -Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. - -- M. Horner -% -Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. -% -Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - -- Peanuts -% -Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much -as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. - -- Moore -% -Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: - Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% -Horngren's Observation: - Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -% -Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. - -- Jack Benny -% -Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - -- W.C. Fields -% -HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) -% -HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... -% -Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they -had towels from my house. - -- Mark Guido -% -Houdini escaping from New Jersey! -% -Household hint: - If you are out of cream for your coffee, - mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. -% -Housework can kill you if done right. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -How apt the poor are to be proud. - -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" -% -How can you be in two places at once -when you're not anywhere at all? -% -How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? - -- Schulz -% -How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? - -- Charles de Gaulle -% -How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? - -- Pink Floyd -% -How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our -thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another -in the waking state? - -- Plato -% -How can you think and hit at the same time? - -- Yogi Berra -% -How can you work when the system's so crowded? -% -How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? -% -How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they -claim they'll make you? -% -How come we never talk anymore? -% -How come wrong numbers are never busy? -% -How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards -in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? - -- A. Cooper -% -How could they think women a recreation? -Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? -Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm -of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; -be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. -Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. -I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge -of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. -The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. -Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. -A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. -I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, -for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. -To ambergris. But not for recreation. -I would not have lost so much for recreation. - -Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game -of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. -Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness -have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. -But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. -To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, -and call and call forever till she turn from bird -to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. -To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman -in all her fresh particularity of difference. -Then oh, through the underwater time of night -indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. -This I have done with my life, and am content. -I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, -standing in the huge singing and the alien world. - -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" -% -How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - -- Elliot, "E.T." -% -"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid -to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." - "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat -replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were -you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be -deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your -second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested -in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then -licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but -examined his claws. - "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been -hers and not my own, not ever again." - -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% -How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, -And pour the waters of the Nile - On every golden scale! - -How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, -And welcomes little fishes in, - With gently smiling jaws! -% -How doth the VAX's C-compiler - Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it - Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run - And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all - Tear their clothes to rags. -% -How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to -journalists, and they believe what they read. - -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" -% -How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. -% -How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. -% -How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? - -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero -% -How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by -a waiter at a nice party? - Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors -d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's -inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is -cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and -bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. - -- Dave Barry -% -How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? -% -How many weeks are there in a light year? -% -How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle -% -How much does she love you? -Less than you'll ever know. -% -How much for your women? I want to buy your -daughter... how much for the little girl? - -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" -% -How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? -% -How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? -% -How often I found where I should be going -only by setting out for somewhere else. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. -% -How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" - -- Linus Van Pelt -% -How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children - -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes -% -How untasteful can you get? -% -How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. -% -How you look depends on where you go. -% -However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity -in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. - -- Tom K. Ryan -% -However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There -is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. -There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, -or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any -powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used -sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are -not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force -government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree -with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they -threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and -tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen -that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and -"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to -claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more -angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group -who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll -call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step -of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans -in the name of "conservatism." - -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record -% -HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion -that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making -changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment -was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House -amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment -was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. - -- Albuquerque Journal -% -Hubbard's Law: - Don't take life too seriously; - you won't get out of it alive. -% -Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! -Oh wait... -I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. -Never mind. -% -Huh? -% -Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. -% -Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. -Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating -table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into -a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and -walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory -x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. -% -Human kind cannot bear very much reality. - -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" -% -Human resources are human first, and resources second. - -- J. Garbers -% -Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, -responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and -immature. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. - -- Alan Kay -% -Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. -% -Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. - -- William Gilbert -% -Humorists always sit at the children's table. - -- Woody Allen -% -"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on -chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable -jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to -state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all -through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" - "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham -Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, -You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your -dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But -oil!" - -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" -% -Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, -Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! -All the king's horses, -And all the king's men, -Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! -% -Humpty Dumpty was pushed. -% -Hurewitz's Memory Principle: - The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional - to... to... uh..... -% -I: - The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin - with a silk sow. The same is true of money. -II: - If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would - probably be twice as good as yesterday was. -III: - There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. -IV: - If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. -V: - One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. - Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average - output. - -- Norman Augustine -% -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% -I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people -are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen -carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence -terrifies people the most. - -- Bob Dylan -% -I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. - -- John Hinckley -% -I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -I allow the world to live as it chooses, -and I allow myself to live as I choose. -% -I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor -or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority -viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. - -- Richard M. Nixon - -What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their -good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" -% -I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. - -- David Bowie -% -I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. -It is never any good to oneself. - -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" -% -I always say beauty is only sin deep. - -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" -% -I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's -accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. - -- Chief Justice Earl Warren -% -I always wake up at the crack of ice. - -- Joe E. Lewis -% -I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; -'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle -I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- -On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! -I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and -The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, -Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, -And a cow. And a cow. - -The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it -Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! -The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, -It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." -Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads -One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: - Two game wardens, seven hunters, - And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. - -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" -% -I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent -person, you will not sell me another book. -% -I am a computer. -I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. -% -I am a conscientious man, when I throw -rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. - -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" -% -I am a deeply superficial person. - -- Andy Warhol -% -I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend -than be one. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented -limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. - -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" -% -I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I am changing my name to Chrysler -I am going down to Washington, D.C. -I will tell some power broker - What they did for Iacocca -Will be perfectly acceptable to me! - -I am changing my name to Chrysler, -I am heading for that great receiving line. -When they hand a million grand out, - I'll be standing with my hand out, -Yessir, I'll get mine! -% -I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves -for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man -is to suffer for others. - -- Cesar Chavez -% -I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three -quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts -otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. - -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell -% -I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. - -- Katharine Whitehorn -% -I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, -I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art -was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. - -- Steven Wright -% -I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of -pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you -that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic -globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I -can't help it. I was born sneering. - -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" -% -I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. - -- Yul Brynner, 1956 -% -I am looking for a honest man. - -- Diogenes the Cynic -% -I am NOMAD! -% -I am not a crook. - -- Richard Nixon -% -I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. - -- A. Ward -% -I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. - -- William Allen White -% -I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! - -- Paul McCracken -% -I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say -(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. - -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" -% -I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared -for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - -- W. Churchill -% -I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University -% -I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. -% -I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. -% -I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. - -- John Donne -% -I am two with nature. - -- Woody Allen -% -I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, -I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the -sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are -loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. - -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, - University of Tennessee at Knoxville -% -I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards -why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the -small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this -would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. -Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures -them completely, even molding the keypads. - -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 -% -I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, -ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. -% -I B M -U B M -We all B M -For I B M!!!! - -- H.A.R.L.I.E. -% -I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - -- Gilda Radner -% -I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the -perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, -I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years -and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone -a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years -together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My -wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching -the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to -be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting -to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And -as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and -twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only -with time. - -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" -% -I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, -particularly if he has income and she is pattable. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) -how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom -to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or -political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely -because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or -the people who might elect him. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. - -- Woody Allen -% -I believe that professional wrestling is clean -and everything else in the world is fixed. - -- Frank Deford, sports writer -% -I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac -thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the -total discrediting of the world of reality. - -- Salvador Dali -% -I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - -- Will Rogers -% -I bet the human brain is a kludge. - -- Marvin Minsky -% -I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on -the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always -end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get -embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and -they'd get mad and eat the snowman. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. - -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during - a visit to a London veterans hospital -% -I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see -Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the -box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon -relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a -psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be -more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable -sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to -be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe -as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd -thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover -the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, -your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on -your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the -apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns -down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. - -- Townsend Davis -% -I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. - -- Biff Barf -% -I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. -They're still living in the fifties. - -- Strange de Jim -% -I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. -% -I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. -All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. - -- Firesign Theatre -% -I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. -% -I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. - -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" -% -I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. - -- Jay Gould -% -I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, -and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. - -- Larry Lee -% -I can relate to that. -% -I can resist anything but temptation. -% -I can see him a'comin' -With his big boots on, -With his big thumb out, -He wants to get me. -He wants to hurt me. -He wants to bring me down. -But some time later, -When I feel a little straighter, -I'll come across a stranger -Who'll remind me of the danger, -And then.... I'll run him over. -Pretty smart on my part! -To find my way... In the dark! - -- Phil Ochs -% -I can write better than anybody who can write faster, -and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. - -- A.J. Liebling -% -I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. - -- Lillian Hellman -% -I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. - -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics -% -I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; -If it be man's work I will do it. -% -I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - -- Steven Pearl -% -I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - -- Joe Walsh -% -I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. - -- Florence Henderson -% -I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. - -- Phil Harris -% -I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side -If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will -I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With - Your Socks Outside-in -I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love -Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride -I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well -I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better -I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time - -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" -% -I can't mate in captivity. - -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. -% -I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." -It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. - -- Robert Benchley -% -I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. - -- Albert Anastasia -% -I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the -forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. - -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine - Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist - Party Conference -% -I can't understand it. -I can't even understand the people who can understand it. - -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands -% -I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a -novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - -- Fred Allen -% -I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. -I'm frightened of the old ones. - -- John Cage -% -I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his -keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating -up a child. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time -a woman got pregnant, someone left town. - -- Michael Prichard -% -I consider a new device or technology to have been -culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. - -- M. Gallaher -% -I consider the day misspent that I am not -either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. - -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon -% -I could never learn to like her -- -except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. - -- Mark Twain -% -I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. -% -I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the -time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. - -- Peter Oakley -% -I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. -% -I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why -I should have to believe in it in this one. - -- Strange de Jim -% -I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! - -- Bart Simpson -% -I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. -But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. - -- Rita Gain -% -I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. -% -I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. -The curtain was up. -% -"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -I disagree with what you say, but will defend -to the death your right to tell such LIES! -% -I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk -and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, -unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell -you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink -too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -I do desire we may be better strangers. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. -% -I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an -exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds -entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail -to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to -perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again -from the top down, the result is always different. - -- Mrs. La Touche -% -I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman -Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, -nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. - -- Thomas Paine -% -I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter -quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks -the National League for five years. This is the United States of America -and one citizen has as much right to play as another. - -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a - threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if - Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The - Cardinals backed down and played. -% -I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with -sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - -- Galileo Galilei -% -I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, -any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology -comes nearest to it of any. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a -butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - -- Chuang-tzu -% -I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, -starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, -reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to -devote it to research in mathematics. - -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 -% -I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. -I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become -tiresome. - -- I Ching -% -I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. - -- Salvador Dali -% -I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an -Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - -- James Quirk -% -I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to -run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better -husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! - -- Heard in Bethlehem -% -I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't -deserve that either. - -- Jack Benny -% -I don't do it for the money. - -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal -% -I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. - -- K. Coates -% -I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. - -- Katherine Cebrian -% -I don't get no respect. -% -I don't have an eating problem. I eat. -I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. -% -I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got -hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. - -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" -% -I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above -globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." - -- Bruce Baum -% -I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - -- Elvis Presley -% -I don't know what Descartes' got, -But booze can do what Kant cannot. - -- Mike Cross -% -I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much -more concerned to know what his grandson will be. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. - -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 -% -I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. -% -I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, -because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. -I don't trust him. - -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference - with Dutch Schultz. - -I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a -trigger like another guy wipes his nose. - -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with - "Legs" Diamond. -% -I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. - -- Cash McCall -% -I don't mind arguing with myself. -It's when I lose that it bothers me. - -- Richard Powers -% -I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the -streets and frighten the horses. - -- Victor Hugo -% -I don't need no arms around me... -I don't need no drugs to calm me... -I have seen the writing on the wall. -Don't think I need anything at all. -No! Don't think I need anything at all! -All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. -All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. - -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III -% -I don't remember it, but I have it written down. -% -I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before -he starts to practice law. - -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother - Attorney-General. -% -I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets -fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican -Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. - -- Richard Nixon, 1972 -% -"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down -to the sea and drown yourselves." - -"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why -you human beings don't." - -- James Thurber -% -I don't understand you anymore. -% -I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, -But there will definitely be a party tonight... -% -I don't want a pickle, -I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. -And I don't want to die, -I just want to ride on my motorcycle. - -- Arlo Guthrie -% -I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. - -- Jean Anouilh -% -I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. -I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - -- Woody Allen -% -I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. -% -I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. - -- Woody Allen -% -I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? -% -I dote on his very absence. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on -earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has -succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a -goal in front and not behind. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I drink to make other people interesting. - -- George Jean Nathan -% -I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. -% -I enjoy the time that we spend together. -% -I exist, therefore I am paid. -% -I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. -% -I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... -% -I fell asleep reading a dull book, -and I dreamt that I was reading on, -so I woke up from sheer boredom. -% -I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an -honest difference of opinion. - - Isaac Asimov -% -I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. -I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. - -- Steven Wright -% -I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. - -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd - just shot. -% -I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. - -- Augustus Caesar -% -I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; -I gave my love a building, that had no floor; -I wrote my love a program, that had no end; -I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. - -How can there be an Apple, that has no core? -How can there be a building, that has no floor? -How can there be a program, that has no end? -How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? - -An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! -A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! -A program with GOTOs, it has no end! -I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! -% -I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - -- Mae West -% -I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. - -- Chauncey Depew -% -I get up each morning, gather my wits. -Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. -So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. - -Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? -My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. -But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, -And think of the places my get-up has been. - -- Pete Seeger -% -I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? - -- Beauregard Bugleboy -% -I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I -pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He -said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors -opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked -at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around -with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. -Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said -'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' -The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... -It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you -attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we -would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, -I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, -and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never -called me again." - -- Stephen Wright -% -I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now -when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and -farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." - -- Steven Wright -% -I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were -wearing masks for. - -- James Boren -% -I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. - -- Steven Wright -% -I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie -theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the -other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession -stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a -long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children -$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to -a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. - -- Steven Wright -% -I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. - -- Butch Cassidy -% -I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up -and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. - -No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the -human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when -you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is -generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid -puppet. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit -was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse -being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took -time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to -win -- or even how you won. - -- Cash McCall -% -I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of -other people... Certainty is just an emotion. - -- Hal Clement -% -I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him -Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat -one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. - -- D. Cavett -% -I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and -we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I had a dream last night... -I dreamt about 1976. -I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... -I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. -Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... -so I went back to sleep again. - -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond -depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might -see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing -through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly -why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after -dinner and I let it go. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind -in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami -Beach." - -- The Stunt Man -% -I had another dream the other day about government financial management -people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they -had stepped out of a painting by Goya. -% -I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small -and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a -painting by Goya. - -- Stravinsky -% -I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black -people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people -put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any -power to make things different is a bitch. - -- Miles Davis -% -I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, -so I took his shoes. - -- Dave Barry -% -I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and -implement a PL/1 compiler. - -- T. Cheatham -% -I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. -% -I hate babies. They're so human. - -- H.H. Munro -% -I hate dying. - -- Dave Johnson -% -I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means -it's going to be up all night. - -- Steven Wright -% -I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, -and I know how bad I am. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -I hate quotations. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park -there's nothing else to do. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a -ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. - -- Willow -% -I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I -open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the -box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get -it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I -had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend -of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a -call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone -doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I -didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. - -- S. Wright -% -I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, -Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me -and just keeps on typing. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, -the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to -sit down together at the table of brotherhood. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When -I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... -I just... to make a long story short..." - -- Stephen Wright -% -I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. - -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. -% -I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. -I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen -some of it. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, -And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. -He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; -And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. - -The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- -Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; -For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, -And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. - -- R.L. Stevenson -% -I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. -I spent last summer folding it. -People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. - -- Richard Diran -% -I have a simple philosophy: - - Fill what's empty. - Empty what's full. - Scratch where it itches. - -- A.R. Longworth -% -I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once -in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I -got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" - -- Steven Wright -% -I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. -% -I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, -but I can't prove it. -% -I have a very small mind and must live with it. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -I have a very strange feeling about this... - -- Luke Skywalker -% -"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to -sacrifice my wife's brother. - -- Artemus Ward -% -I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes -to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. - -- Winston Churchill, 1903 -% -I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have become me without my consent. -% -I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which -would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, -which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. - -- Dave Barry -% -I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per -cent an idiot. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable -to sit still in a room. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. -I tell them the truth and they never believe me. - -- Camillo Di Cavour -% -I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and -to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and -support of the woman I love. - -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication - of the British throne in order to marry the American - divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. -% -I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience -most of them are trash. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -I have gained this by philosophy: -that I do without being commanded what others -do only from fear of the law. - -- Aristotle -% -I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my -wife's brother. - -- Artemus Ward -% -I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. - -- Edgar Allan Poe -% -I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent -of a prostate operation. - -- Malcolm Muggeridge -% -I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. - -- Plato -% -I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. -I do believe that is a record. - -- Dylan Thomas, his last words -% -I have learned silence from the talkative, -toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. - -- Kahlil Gibran -% -I have lots of things in my pockets; -None of them is worth anything. -Sociopolitical whines aside, -Gan you give me, gratis, free, -The price of half a gallon -Of Gallo extra bad -And most of the bus fare home. -% -I have made mistakes but I have never made the -mistake of claiming that I have never made one. - -- James Gordon Bennett -% -I have made this letter longer than usual -because I lack the time to make it shorter. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. -% -I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! - -- Cerebus, #82 -% -I have never been one to sacrifice -my appetite on the altar of appearance. - -- A.M. Readyhough -% -I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - -- Mark Twain -% -I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. - -- Rob Pike, on X. - -Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be -gone in two years. He was half right. - -- Dennis Ritchie - -Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. - -- Jim Gettys -% -I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts -already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic -establishment. - -- Alan Bennett -% -I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, -in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. - -- Thoreau -% -I have no doubt the Devil grins, -As seas of ink I spatter. -Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- -The other kind don't matter. - -- Robert W. Service -% -I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his -own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks -of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -I have not yet begun to byte! -% -I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. - -- George Wallace -% -I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, -and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would -be blockhead enough to have me. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. - -- Jimmy Carter -% -I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these -Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal -advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages -for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and -after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government -of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only -commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even -the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the -reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... - If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were -a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the -execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some -justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I -venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will -ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if -made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to -declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... - And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed -by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its -advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I -think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse -calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. -In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not -be economized by the aid of machinery. - -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" -% -I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. -% -I have that old biological urge, -I have that old irresistible surge, -I'm hungry. -% -I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. - -- Richard Burton -% -I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with -the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest -authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. - -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall - publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior - editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new - science of data processing), c. 1957 -% -I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. - -- John D. Rockefeller -% -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when -you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% -I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. -% -I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. -% -I hear the sound that the machines make, -and feel my heart break, just for a moment. -% -I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. -% -I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very -interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell -more than he knows. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, -I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, -My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, -But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. - -The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, -For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, -I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, -So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. - - -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" -% -I hope you're not pretending to be evil while -secretly being good. That would be dishonest. -% -I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? - -- Raoul Duke -% -I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. -I think I saw God. - -- B. Hathrume Duk -% -I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. -He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial -and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I -ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. - -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" -% -I just got out of the hospital after a -speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - -- S. Wright -% -I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. - -- Casey Stengel -% -I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - -- Bill Hoest -% -"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." -"Did you ever see a doctor?" -"No, just spots." -% -I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. -I haven't had time for tobacco since. - -- Arturo Toscanini -% -I knew her before she was a virgin. - -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day -% -I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... -If I could just remember what it was. -% -I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better -take one along that worked. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -I know if you been talkin' you done said -just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. -You wuz surprised that they could understand you words -and never respond once to all the truth they heard. -But don't you get square! -There ain't no rule that says they got to care. -They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. -% -I know not how I came into this, -shall I call it a dying life or a living death? - -- St. Augustine -% -I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but -World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - -- Albert Einstein -% -I know on which side my bread is buttered. - -- John Heywood -% -I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! -The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. - -- Charles Schulz -% -I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when -you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all -custody means. Get even with your old lady. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' -Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track -myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the -world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself -one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" - -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 -% -I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, -but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what -it means. -% -I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, -but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. -% -I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. -% -I lately lost a preposition; -It hid, I thought, beneath my chair -And angrily I cried, "Perdition! -Up from out of under there." - -Correctness is my vade mecum, -And straggling phrases I abhor, -And yet I wondered, "What should he come -Up from out of under for?" - -- Morris Bishop -% -I lay my head on the railroad tracks, -Waitin' for the double E. -The railroad don't run no more. -Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] - Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. - These young girls won't let me be, - Lord have mercy on me! - Woe is me! - -Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, -Well, I ain't naming names. -But she really worked me over good, -She was just like Jesse James. -She really worked me over good, -She was a credit to her gender. -She put me through some changes, boy, -Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] - -I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, -She asked me if I'd beat her. -She took me back to the Hyatt House, -I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] - -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" -% -I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they -didn't is just lyin'! - -- Willie Nelson -% -I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. - -- Art Leo -% -I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull -that kidnapped Europa. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to -promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want -peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of -the way and let them have it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. -% -I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. - -- Tom McGuane -% -I like your game but we have to change the rules. -% -I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. -% -I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts -to bite people themselves. - -- August Strindberg -% -I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. -I may not get there, but I'm going first class. - -- Art Buchwald -% -I love being married. It's so great to find that one special -person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - -- Rita Rudner -% -I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then -someone takes them away. - -- Nancy Mitford -% -I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. -It's a rat with a thyroid problem. -% -I love mankind ... It's people I hate. - -- Schulz -% -I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. - -- Walt Disney -% -I love the smell of napalm in the morning. - -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" -% -I love treason but hate a traitor. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. - -- Elvis Costello -% -I love you, not only for what you are, -but for what I am when I am with you. - -- Roy Croft -% -I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might -commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it -irresistible. - -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" -% -I married beneath me. All women do. - -- Lady Nancy Astor -% -I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! -% -I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. - -- Doctor Graper -% -I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. - -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" -% -I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at -clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. - -- Steven Wright -% -I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a -congressman. - -- Will Rogers -% -I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; -I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. - -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" -% -I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. - -- Alexander Woolcott -% -I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a -week sometimes to make it up. - -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" -% -I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! -% -I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres -and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit --- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if -we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand -feet for the base. - -And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson -sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 -m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to -roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the -sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. - -Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface -area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the -crowding. - -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" -% -I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. - -- Fratianno -% -I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the -legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that -way. - -- Jay Gould -% -I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted -something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. - -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil -% -I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the - Royal Family -% -I never did it that way before. -% -I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the -places they do today. - -- Will Rogers -% -I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they -could do was to go away. -% -I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. - -- Mickey Cohen -% -I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - -- Mae West -% -I never made a mistake in my life. -I thought I did once, but I was wrong. - -- Lucy Van Pelt -% -I never met a man I didn't want to fight. - -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman -% -I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. -% -I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. -% -I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; -what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. -% -I never saw a purple cow -I never hope to see one -But I can tell you anyhow -I'd rather see than be one. - -- Gellett Burgess - -I've never seen a purple cow -I never hope to see one -But from the milk we're getting now -There certainly must be one - -- Ogden Nash - -Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" -I'm sorry now I wrote it -But I can tell you anyhow -I'll kill you if you quote it. - -- Gellett Burgess, many years later -% -I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. -% -I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. - -- W.C. Fields -% -I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -I only know what I read in the papers. - -- Will Rogers -% -I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a -letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished -words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can -resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But -then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices -that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or -a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. - -- Letters From Colette -% -I owe, I owe, -It's off to work I go... -% -I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a -toilet seat. - -- Michael McShane -% -I owe the public nothing. - -- J.P. Morgan -% -I own my own body, but I share. -% -I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as -the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must -not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we -must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, -in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from -wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they -will be happy. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind -of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances -being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms -of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like -a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments -as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. - -- Dave Barry -% -I pledge allegiance to the flag -of the United States of America -and to the republic for which it stands, -one nation, -indivisible, -with liberty -and justice for all. - -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 -% -I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- S. Wright -% -I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. - -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger -% -I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. - -- Cicero - -Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. - -- Poor Richard -% -I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. - -- William F. Buckley -% -I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats -on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. - -- Steven Wright -% -I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of -tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If -they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go -crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. -These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even -aspire to crudeness. - -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" -% -I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be -what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never -imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others -that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had -been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' -% -I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because -parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the -motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? - Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." - "What's it about?" - "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." - "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" - -- Ian Shoales -% -I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. -To see the sights I'm never going to visit. -% -I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. - -- Aneurin Bevan -% -I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as -Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet -trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to -go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports -that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. - -- Marilyn Chambers -% -I really hate this damned machine -I wish that they would sell it. -It never does quite what I want -But only what I tell it. -% -I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens -who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known -something of what has been passing in their time. - -- H. Truman -% -I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the -wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just -flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... -Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said -"Cut it out." - -- Stephen Wright -% -I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the -reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if -I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. - -- Stephen King -% -I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on -believing that some men are my equals. - -- Brigid Brophy -% -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -% -I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the -morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for -the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to -invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed -the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I -asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, -"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint -that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. - -- Alistair Cooke -% -I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office -to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, -and didn't come back for 20 years. -% -I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some -kind of loophole. - -- Leo Kessler -% -I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it -looks like I'm the only one moving. - -- Steven Wright -% -I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every -woman should marry -- and no man. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" -% -I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New -England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be -raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in -New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for -countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere -if they don't get it. - -- Mark Twain -% -"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." -He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." -I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, -And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." - -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" -% -I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... -and then natural selection reared its ugly head. -% -I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, -'Round and round they sped. -I was disturbed at this, -I accosted the man, -"It is futile," I said. -"You can never--" -"You lie!" He cried, -and ran on. - -- Stephen Crane -% -I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid -never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that -deserve a series?" -% -I saw what you did and I know who you are. -% -I see a bad moon rising. -I see trouble on the way. -I see earthquakes and lightnin' -I see bad times today. -Don't go 'round tonight, -It's bound to take your life. -There's a bad moon on the rise. - -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" -% -I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to -the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about -us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, -I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. -The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, -They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." -The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, -"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." -I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, -It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. -But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked -"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and - knocked, -I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, -"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... - - "Is that all?" asked Alice. - "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -% -I sent a message to another time, -But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, -I sent a message to another plane, -Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. -... -I met someone who looks at lot like you, -She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. -She's only programmed to be very nice, -But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, -She tells me that she likes me very much, -But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. -... -I realize that it must seem so strange, -That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, -She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, -She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. - -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" -% -I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- -a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine -in his veins. - -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee -% -I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. - -- graffito in Los Angeles - -On a clear day, -U.C.L.A. - -- graffito in San Francisco - -There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our -lungs there'd be no place to put it all. - -- Robert Orben -% -I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. - -- Los Angeles graffito -% -I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than -most western countries. - -- George Burns -% -I smell a wumpus. -% -I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker -Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. - -- Woody Allen -% -I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his -ability. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I steal. - -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board - -Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. - -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living -% -I stick my neck out for nobody. - -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" -% -I stood on the leading edge, -The eastern seaboard at my feet. -"Jump!" said Yoko Ono -I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. -Go on and give it a try, -Why prolong the agony, all men must die. - -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" -% -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to -see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a -department store, and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. - -- CP30 -% -I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, -Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, -Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, -That needs a helping hand, -Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. - -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[110.13]: - "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not - to interfere with oncoming traffic." - -[22.17b]: - "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best - recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] - game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it - on the highway." - -[41.16]: - "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really - asking for it." -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[131.16d]: - "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle - inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making - a U-turn on a divided highway." - -[96.7b]: - "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the - quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are - traveling more than 60 MPH." - -[110.13]: - "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not - to interfere with oncoming traffic." -% -I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the -country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which -I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving -are worth considering, to wit: - -[173.15b]: - "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember - that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." - -[141.2a]: - "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' - parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into - a 5' parking space." - -[105.31]: - "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. - Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." -% -I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad -thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. -% -"I suppose you expect me to talk." -"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." - -- Goldfinger -% -I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it -is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. - -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" -% -I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking -pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the -munchies, and ate the other half. - -Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the -bottle stuck up my nose. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track -and they shot my horse with the opening gun. - -Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my -fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, -"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt -the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, -I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad -kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. - -- Escher -% -I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward -or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. - -- Woody Allen -% -I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of -being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being -sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told -that I am! - -- Monty Python -% -"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" -"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." - -- The Life of Brian -% -I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. - -- Shakespeare -% -I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's -paranoid and the other half's out to get him. -% -I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so -desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. - -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" -% -I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I think that I shall never hear -A poem lovelier than beer. -The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, -With golden base and snowy cap. -The stuff that I can drink all day -Until my mem'ry melts away. -Poems are made by fools, I fear -But only Schlitz can make a beer. -% -I think that I shall never see -A billboard lovely as a tree. -Indeed, unless the billboards fall -I'll never see a tree at all. - -- Nash -% -I think that I shall never see -A thing as lovely as a tree. -But as you see the trees have gone -They went this morning with the dawn. -A logging firm from out of town -Came and chopped the trees all down. -But I will trick those dirty skunks -And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. -% -I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to -remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. - -- Chick -% -I think the world is run by C students. - -- Al McGuire -% -I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." -I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone -say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer -effect." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I think, therefore I am... I think. -% -I think there's a world market for about five computers. - -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 -% -I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for -paneling. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. - -- T.S. Eliot -% -I think we're all Bozos on this bus. - -- Firesign Theatre -% -I think we're in trouble. - -- Han Solo -% -I think your opinions are reasonable, -except for the one about my mental instability. - -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University -% -"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" -"As a programmer, yes," she replied, -"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" -"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" -Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, -They had so much in common, you'd say. -They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, -And prompts that were cute or risque'. -He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, -She sent one from some past high school day, -And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, -If they hadn't met in L.A. -"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. -He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" -And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest -If you were not so totally weird!" -If she had not said what he wanted to hear, -And he had not done just the same, -They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, -And would not have had fun with the game. - -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of - Electronic Mail" -% -I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, -working for scale. - -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" -% -I thought YOU silenced the guard! -% -I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." -One of them said, "So will you." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle -of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. -It's about Russia. - -- Woody Allen -% -I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce -desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of -the quest. - -- Madeleine Gobeil -% -I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything -constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast -and drown myself in the noise. - -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" -% -I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. - -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari -% -I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. - -- Bill Veeck -% -I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. - -- Judge Harold T. Stone -% -I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. -The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 -degrees today," and I said "Oops." - -In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so -I never have to go upstairs. - -I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in -front of it in only eight minutes. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. - -- Carole Wallach. -% -I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. - -- Woodrow Wilson -% -I use technology in order to hate it more properly. - -- Nam June Paik -% -I used to be a rebel in my youth. -This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. -Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own -problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by -a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. -I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better -I feel these days. - -- J. Feiffer -% -I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. - -- Elvis Costello -% -I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - -- Mae West -% -I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, -I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, -I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, -With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, -And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, - No more, Mr. Nice Guy, - No more, Mr. Clean, - No more, Mr. Nice Guy, -They say "He's sick, he's obscene". - -My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, -Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, -I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, -The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, -And punched me in the nose, he said, -(chorus) -He said "You're sick, you're obscene". - -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" -% -I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. -% -I used to have a drinking problem. -Now I love the stuff. -% -I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had -to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. - -I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks -like I'm the only one moving. - -I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know -the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going -to be out that long." - -I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now -my car goes 500 miles an hour. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because -I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no -more mature than I am. -% -I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme -foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in -loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. - -- Rita Mae Brown -% -I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in -my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. - -- Emo Phillips -% -I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere -near the place. - -- Steven Wright -% -I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I -don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected -with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, -the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier -in the summer. - -- Brendan Behan -% -I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I -don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected -with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, -the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier -in the summer. - -- Brendan Behan -% -I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. -% -I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. -Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" -% -I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. - -- Freud -% -I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? -% -I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued -endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of -pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of -bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an -excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically -critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud -the earth. - Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" -% -I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I -ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was born in a barrel of butcher knives -Trouble I love and peace I despise -Wild horses kicked me in my side -Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. - -- Bo Diddley -% -I was eatin' some chop suey, -With a lady in St. Louie, -When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. -And that knocker, he says, "Honey, -Roll this rocker out some money, -Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." - -- Mr. Miggle -% -I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. -I said I didn't know. - -- Mark Twain -% -I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live -around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." -I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a -chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so -you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like -that all the time..." - -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" -% -I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in -the mouth by Miss Congeniality. - -- Phyllis Diller -% -I was in accord with the system so long as it -permitted me to function effectively. - -- Albert Speer -% -I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all -these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these -kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and -I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been -avoiding the beach. - -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" -% -I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a -lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is -anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or -breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really -gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He -works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. -Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work -for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me -two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I -was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But -I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." - -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" -% -I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a -full house and four people died. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was the best I ever had. - -- Woody Allen -% -I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. - -- Billy Braver -% -I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a -desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall -because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards -me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I -took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. -% -I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. - -- Chico Marx -% -I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it -in the room alone. -% -I went home with a waitress, -The way I always do. -How I was I to know? -She was with the Russians too. - -I was gambling in Havana, -I took a little risk. -Send lawyers, guns, and money, -Dad, get me out of this. - -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" -% -I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. -If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. -It's the truth. - -- Charlie Chaplin -% -I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to -expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for -stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming -the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted -to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the -answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer -showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found -an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the -program to the point where it would not run at all. - -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: - Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" -% -I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. -I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" -He said "Nothin'." -Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; -As if you just squashed a cop. - -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" -% -I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. -Great song. - -- Fred Reuss -% -I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered -French toast during the Renaissance. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." -So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 -years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors -would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they -all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" - -Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had -been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. - -There was a computer in every doorknob. - -- Danny Hillis -% -I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. -I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career -of a robber. - -- Tiburcio Vasquez -% -I will always love the false image I had of you. -% -I will follow the good side right to the fire, -but not into it if I can help it. - -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne -% -I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the -year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The -Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out -the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the -writing on this stone! - -- Charles Dickens -% -I will make you shorter by the head. - -- Elizabeth I -% -I will never lie to you. -% -I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. -% -I will not drink! -But if I do... -I will not get drunk! -But if I do... -I will not in public! -But if I do... -I will not fall down! -But if I do... -I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. -% -I will not forget you. -% -I will not play at tug o' war. -I'd rather play at hug o' war, -Where everyone hugs -Instead of tugs, -Where everyone giggles -And rolls on the rug, -Where everyone kisses, -And everyone grins, -And everyone cuddles, -And everyone wins. - -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" -% -I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new -one every day. - -- Heine -% -I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, -we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. - -- Jack Handey -% -I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula -and Superman away. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the -intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't -seem to work. - -- Gallagher -% -I wish you humans would leave me alone. -% -I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. -% -I woke up a feelin' mean -went down to play the slot machine -the wheels turned round, -and the letters read -"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" - -- Grateful Dead -% -I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment -had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, -"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and -replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" - -- Steven Wright -% -"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I -know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must -be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people -I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." - -- Bastian B. Bux -% -I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? - -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp -% -I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, -"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - -- Steven Wright -% -I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, -but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already -because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even -after we've been home a long while. - -- Casey Stengel -% -I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, -only they won't let me raise my voice. - -- Winkle -% -I would have made a good pope. - -- Richard Nixon -% -I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have -gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the -missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. - -- Oliver North -% -I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block -of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the -image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we -forget or do not know. - -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to image activation and termination.] -% -I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in -understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, -our tasks will be solved. - -- Warren G. Harding -% -I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection -with income tax policies. - -- William F. Buckley -% -I would like to know -What I was fencing in -And what I was fencing out. - -- Robert Frost -% -I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going -to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. -In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I would much rather have men ask why -I have no statue, than why I have one. - -- Marcus Procius Cato -% -I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when -they're being taped. - -- Richard Nixon - -I love America. You always hurt the one you love. - -- David Frye impersonating Nixon -% -I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house -and be above ground than reign among the dead. - -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 -% -I would rather say that a desire to drive fast -sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. -% -I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! -% -I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. -% -I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity -for everyone, but they've always worked for me. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear -them scream. - -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", - escaped prison 1937, not heard from since -% -I -am -not -very -happy -acting -pleased -whenever -prominent -scientists -overmagnify -intellectual -enlightenment -% -IBM: - [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty - Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer - marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware - and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy - of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM - employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. -% -IBM: - I've Been Moved - Idiots Become Managers - Idiots Buy More - Impossible to Buy Machine - Incredibly Big Machine - Industry's Biggest Mistake - International Brotherhood of Mercenaries - It Boggles the Mind - It's Better Manually - Itty-Bitty Machines -% -IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, -who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... - -- with regrets to D. Adams -% -IBM had a PL/I, -Its syntax worse than JOSS; -And everywhere this language went, -It was a total loss. -% -IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. -% -IBM Pollyanna Principle: - Machines should work. People should think. -% -IBM's original motto: - Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. -% -I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. - -- John Denver - -[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] -% -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% -I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, -above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even -feel it. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. -% -I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the -whole field to private industry. - -- Joseph Heller -% -I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. - -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" -% -I'd never cry if I did find - A blue whale in my soup... -Nor would I mind a porcupine - Inside a chicken coop. -Yes life is fine when things combine, - Like ham in beef chow mein... -But lord, this time I think I mind, - They've put acid in my rain. - --- Milo Bloom -% -I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. -Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. - -- Brenda Starr -% -I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. -% -I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. - -- Fred Allen - -[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] -% -I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. - -- W.C. Fields -% -I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. -% -I'd rather laugh with the sinners, -Than cry with the saints, -The sinners are much more fun! - -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" -% -I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. -% -Identify your visitor. -% -idiot box, n: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place - the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -idiot box, n: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the - stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -idiot, n: - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence - in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -% -IDLENESS: - Leisure gone to seed. -% -Idleness is the holiday of fools. -% -If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. - -- Roy Santoro -% -If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast -is a camel's behind. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? -% -If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't -work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. -% -If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. - -- William Blake -% -If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, -there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. - -- T. Cheatham -% -If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he -really a guru at all? - -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" -% -If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it -is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. - -- Joseph C. Goulden -% -IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him -is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing -to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -If a listener nods his head when you're -explaining your program, wake him up. -% -If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. - -- Thomas Wolfe -% -If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. -If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. -% -If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, -he will lose his reverence for all of life. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the -separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, -it might well prolong his life. - -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 -% -If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, -... it expects what never was and never will be. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; -and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it -will lose that, too. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, -and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can -convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. - -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" -% -If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. -The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position -in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of -gravity supercedes the law of golf. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce -love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? - -- Saint Augustine -% -If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response -is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the -only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." -% -If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, -look at him as if he had lost his senses. -When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. -% -If a system is administered wisely, -its users will be content. -They enjoy hacking their code -and don't waste time implementing -labor-saving shell scripts. -Since they dearly love their accounts, -they aren't interested in other machines. -There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, -but these don't access any hosts. -There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, -but nobody ever uses them. -People enjoy reading their mail, -take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, -spend weekends working at their terminals, -delight in the doings at the site. -And even though the next system is so close -that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, -they are content to die of old age -without ever having gone to see it. -% -If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. -If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the -game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of -course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make -goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? - -- Sparky Anderson -% -If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. - -- W.C. Fields -% -If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? -% -If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever -to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude -that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. - -- Rob Stampfli -% -If all be true that I do think, -There be five reasons why one should drink; -Good friends, good wine, or being dry, -Or lest we should be by-and-by, -Or any other reason why. -% -If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -If all else fails, lower your standards. -% -If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? -% -If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I -wouldn't be a bit surprised. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If all the seas were ink, -And all the reeds were pens, -And all the skies were parchment, -And all the men could write, -These would not suffice -To write down all the red tape -Of this Government. -% -If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - -- Paul Beatty -% -If all the world's economists were laid end to end, -we wouldn't reach a conclusion. - -- William Baumol -% -If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, -and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, -not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on -camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even -responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs -collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never -have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. - -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television - in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". -% -If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. -% -If an S and an I and an O and a U -With an X at the end spell Su; -And an E and a Y and an E spell I, -Pray what is a speller to do? -Then, if also an S and an I and a G -And an HED spell side, -There's nothing much left for a speller to do -But to go commit siouxeyesighed. - -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" -% -If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last -car he ever lays down in front of. - -- George Wallace -% -If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, -let him become president of Harvard. - -- Edward Holyoke -% -If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. -We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, -blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his -tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". -% -If anything can go wrong, it will. -% -If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. -% -If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. -% -If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. -% -If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. -% -If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. - -- W.E. Hickson -% -If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. -No use being a damn fool about it. -% -If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - -- W.C. Fields - -[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] -% -If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. -% -If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. - -- Leonard Levinson -% -If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. -% -If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is -identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a -collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then -I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as -plentiful as blackberries. - -- Leslie Stephen -% -If bankers can count, how come they have -eight windows and only four tellers? -% -If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by -some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. - -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 -% -If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, -then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. -% -If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing -but illegal purposes. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. -% -If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. - -- William Blake -% -If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James -Watt's office. - -- Wayne Shannon -% -If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. -% -If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will -serve us right. - -- Alistair Cooke -% -If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? -% -If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't -deserve to have any. - -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a - driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his - conviction for sodomy. -% -If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, -there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses -is a fraud. - -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" -% -If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can -do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without -no middleman. - -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" -% -If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed -him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. - -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" -% -If everything on the road of life seems to -be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. -% -If everything seems to be going well, -you have obviously overlooked something. -% -If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. -% -If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there -is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an -exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception -after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of -exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there -can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. - -- Bill Boquist -% -If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. - -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" -% -If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. -% -If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. -% -If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. -% -If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus -would have only had ten disciples. -% -If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. -% -If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. -% -If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. -% -If God had meant for us to be in the Army, -we would have been born with green, baggy skin. -% -If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. -% -If God had not given us sticky tape, -it would have been necessary to invent it. -% -If God had really intended men to fly, -he'd make it easier to get to the airport. - -- George Winters -% -If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would -have made them cute and furry. - -- Dave Barry -% -If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had -only ten apostles. -% -If God had wanted you to go around nude, -He would have given you bigger hands. -% -If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, -He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. -% -If God is dead, who will save the Queen? -% -If God is One, what is bad? - -- Charles Manson -% -If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? -% -If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. - -- Yiddish saying -% -If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? - -- Marvin Kitman -% -If God wanted us to have a President, -He would have sent us a candidate. - -- Jerry Dreshfield -% -If graphics hackers are so smart, -why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? -% -If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? -% -If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. - -- Chinese proverb -% -If he had only learnt a little less, how -infinitely better he might have taught much more! -% -If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days -and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to -think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. - -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" -% -If he should ever change his faith, -it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. -% -If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -If I could read your mind, love, -What a tale your thoughts could tell, -Just like a paperback novel, -The kind the drugstore sells, -When you reach the part where the heartaches come, -The hero would be me, -Heroes often fail, -You won't read that book again, because - the ending is just too hard to take. - -I walk away, like a movie star, -Who gets burned in a three way script, -Enter number two, -A movie queen to play the scene -Of bringing all the good things out in me, -But for now, love, let's be real -I never thought I could act this way, -And I've got to say that I just don't get it, -I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone -And I just can't get it back... - -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" -% -If I could stick my pen in my heart, -I would spill it all over the stage. -Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, -Would you think the boy was strange? -Ain't he strange? -... -If I could stick a knife in my heart, -Suicide right on the stage, -Would it be enough for your teenage lust, -Would it help to ease the pain? -Ease your brain? - -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" -% -If I don't drive around the park, -I'm pretty sure to make my mark. -If I'm in bed each night by ten, -I may get back my looks again. -If I abstain from fun and such, -I'll probably amount to much; -But I shall stay the way I am, -Because I do not give a damn. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. -Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's -as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for -you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. -% -IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's -got to be a better way. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, -I'd sell the plantation and go home. - -- Eugene P. Gallagher -% -If I had any humility I would be perfect. - -- Ted Turner -% -If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from -a laboratory jar at Harvard. - -- Frank Sinatra - -AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. - -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine -% -If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I -would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this -trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. -I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd -travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. -You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly -and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, -if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to -have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many -years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere -without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. -If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel -lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed -earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky -more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would -ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. -% -If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. -% -If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the -shoulders of giants. - -- Isaac Newton - -In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with -the giants on whose shoulders we stand. - -- Gerald Holton - -If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on -my shoulders. - -- Hal Abelson - -Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. - -- Gauss - -Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists -stand on each other's toes. - -- Richard Hamming - -It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If -this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and -software engineers dig each other's graves. - -- Unknown -% -If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. - -- Bob Hope -% -If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, -I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. - -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant -% -If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Goethe -% -If I love you, what business is it of yours? - -- Johann van Goethe -% -If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? - -- Alan Parsons Project -% -If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think -I'm an engineer working on something. - -- S.R. McElroy -% -If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? -% -If I traveled to the end of the rainbow -As Dame Fortune did intend, -Murphy would be there to tell me -The pot's at the other end. - -- Bert Whitney -% -If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. -% -If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could -work for with a great deal of enjoyment. - -- Douglas Jerrold -% -If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it -because I can't swim. - -- Bob Stanfield -% -If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, -I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. - -- G. Hirst -% -If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? - -- Jerry Muscha -% -If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the -answer can be obtained by simple inspection. -% -If in doubt, mumble. -% -If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. -% -If it ain't broke, don't fix it. -% -If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. - -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls -% -If it happens once, it's a bug. -If it happens twice, it's a feature. -If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. -% -If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. -% -If it heals good, say it. -% -If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will -answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. - -- Samuel Clemens -% -If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. -% -If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work -it's physics. -% -If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. -% -If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. -% -If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. -% -If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. - -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" -% -If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, -I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down -the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- -forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp -of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. - -- James Dickey -% -If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. -% -If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. -If it stinks, it's chemistry. -If it doesn't work, it's physics. -% -If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. -% -If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. -% -If it's worth doing, do it for money. -% -If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. -% -If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. -% -If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. -They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make -fun of it. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to -send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the -other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces -of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why -they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, -they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep -them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... - -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie -% -If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, -had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. - -- Karl Marx's Mother -% -If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. -% -If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -% -If life is merely a joke, the question -still remains: for whose amusement? -% -If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? -% -If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women -you've got in the house. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low - -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard -% -If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. - -- Phil Lapsley -% -If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. -% -If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. - -- Mary Wilson Little -% -If mathematically you end up with the wrong -answer, try multiplying by the page number. -% -If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would -be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. - -- Frances Rodman -% -If men are not afraid to die, -it is of no avail to threaten them with death. - -If men live in constant fear of dying, -And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, -Who will dare to break the law? - -There is always an official executioner. -If you try to take his place, -It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. -If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, - you will only hurt your hand. - -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" -% -If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would -be a merrier world. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little -of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, -and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think -little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and -Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey -% -If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and -over again, there is no use in reading it at all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection -of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching -in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not -far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the -various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, -it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any -connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would -get an unfair advantage. - -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 -% -If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. - -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use - of the Young" -% -If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? - -- Woody Allen -% -If only God would give me some clear sign! -Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -If only one could get that wonderful feeling of -accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. -% -If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. -% -If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. -% -If only you knew she loved you, you could -face the uncertainty of whether you love her. -% -If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. -% -If parents would only realize how they bore their children. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, -then we are a sorry lot indeed. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If people concentrated on the really important things in life, -there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - -- Doug Larson -% -If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. - -- Edward E. Hippensteel - -[What brand of ink? Ed.] -% -If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they -will take sandwiches. - -- Lord Boyd-orr - -Eats first, morals after. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" -% -If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, -I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. - -- Hermann Goering -% -If people see that you mean them no harm, -they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! -% -If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? -% -If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. - -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" -% -If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? -% -If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. -% -If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? -% -If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. - -- Tom Wicker -% -If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... - -Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, -Eating components of soured milk. -On at least one occasion, - along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, -Or at least in her vicinity, -And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, -Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. - -- Ann Melugin Williams -% -If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with -pool cues, who would win? - 1) Ricky Schroder - 2) Gary Coleman - 3) The television viewing public - -- David Letterman -% -If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of -arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical -world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by -the use of the mathematics of probability. - -- Vannevar Bush -% -If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many -books on how to? - -- Bette Midler -% -If she had not been cupric in her ions, -Her shape ovoidal, -Their romance might have flourished. -But he built tetrahedral in his shape, -His ions ferric, -Love could not help but die, -Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. -% -If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. - -- Robert Frost -% -If some people didn't tell you, -you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. -% -If someone had told me I would be Pope -one day, I would have studied harder. - -- Pope John Paul I -% -If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. -% -If something has not yet gone wrong then it would -ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. -% -If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the -way they do? -% -If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream -and never be our destiny. - -- Rene de Visme Williamson -% -If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a -Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, -and explode once a year killing everyone inside. - -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld -% -If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, -this would be a better world. - -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" -% -If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - -- Norm Schryer -% -If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get -the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in -college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural -method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall -learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should -be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the -young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. -I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not -by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise -instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the -attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, -not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to -put on a professor. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five -steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same -principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful -feature, that. - -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. -% -If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? - -- Robert Moses -% -If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical -would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - -- Doug Larson - -[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] -% -If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If the future isn't what it used to be, does that -mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? -% -If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. -Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. -% -If the government doesn't trust the people, why -doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? -% -If the grass is greener on other side of fence, -consider what may be fertilizing it. -% -If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, -we would be so simple we couldn't. -% -If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, -I would have recommended something simpler. - -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, - Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. -% -If the master dies and the disciple grieves, -the lives of both have been wasted. -% -If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, -then this sentence would not be false. -% -If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be -goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. - -- Frank Zappa -% -If the odds are a million to one against something -occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. -% -If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. - -- Anatole France -% -If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, -what a living the poor could make! -% -If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -% -If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. -% -If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. -Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count -on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, -paper folding, or something. - -- C. Philip Wood -% -If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. - -- Chief Dan George -% -If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. -If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. -If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, -church attendance will exceed all expectations. - -- Reverend Chichester -% -If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. -% -If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, -the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. - -If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure -can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. -% -If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing -of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur -of this life. - -- Albert Camus -% -If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. - -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. -% -If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you -can't afford divorce. - -- Jack Nicholson -% -If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - -- Art Hoppe -% -If there is no wind, row. - -- Polish proverb -% -If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would -have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. - -- Saul Goodman -% -If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. -% -If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three -years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law -school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. - -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method -% -If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? -% -If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, -go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These -days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire -to crudeness... - -- Johnny Mnemonic -% -If they were so inclined, they could impeach -him because they don't like his necktie. - -- Attorney General William Saxbe -% -If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. -% -If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. -% -If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. -It's not time yet. -% -If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? -% -If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is -doing the thinking. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his -helmet off. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson - -I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign -itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. - -- Lyndon B. Johnson -% -If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. - -- Ernest Hemingway -% -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. -% -If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. -If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. -% -If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. -% -If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. - -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" -% -If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would -all be millionaires. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -If we do not change our direction we are -likely to end up where we are headed. -% -If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. - -- John Sinclair -% -If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time -of it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our -findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." - -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on - criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex - crimes. -% -If we see the light at the end of the tunnel -It's the light of an oncoming train. - -- Robert Lowell -% -If we spoke a different language, we -would perceive a somewhat different world. - -- Wittgenstein -% -If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, -we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. - -- Samuel Adams -% -If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us -with alarm clocks. -% -If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. -% -If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to -do something else. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" -% -If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel -in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary -qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. - -- Marguerite Emmons -% -If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. -% -If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the -beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its -lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days -women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? - -- Gloria Steinham -% -If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. - -- Aristotle Onassis -% -If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. -Quit work and play for once! -% -If you analyse anything, you destroy it. - -- Arthur Miller -% -If you are a police dog, where's your badge? - -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd - crazy. -% -If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - -- Anton Chekov -% -If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - -- Chekhov -% -If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. -% -If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real -good, you will get out of it. -% -If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, -your honesty is corrupt. -% -If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no -longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? -If you are for yourself, then what are you? -If not now, when? -% -If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient -evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than -words. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is -sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions -speak louder than words. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -If you are over 80 years old and accompanied -by your parents, we will cash your check. -% -If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; -over 80 you are neglecting your golf. - -- Walter Hagen -% -If you are smart enough to know that you're not -smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. -% -If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. -% -If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? -% -If you aren't rich you should always look useful. - -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine -% -If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - -- J. Paul Getty -% -If you can keep your head when all about you are losing -theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. -% -If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. -% -If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. -% -If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -If you cannot in the long run tell everyone -what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. - -- Edwim Schrodinger -% -If you can't be good, be careful. -If you can't be careful, give me a call. -% -If you can't convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. -% -If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -% -If you can't read this, blame a teacher. -% -If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. -% -If you catch a man, throw him back. - -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 -% -If you continually give you will continually have. -% -If you could only get that wonderful feeling of -accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. -% -If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? -% -If you didn't have most of your friends, -you wouldn't have most of your problems. -% -If you didn't have to work so hard, -you'd have more time to be depressed. -% -If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. - -- John Galsworthy -% -If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about -it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. - -- Carlyle -% -If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. -% -If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. -% -If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists -in the Bible. - -- Mordecai Richler -% -If you don't do it, you'll never know what -would have happened if you had done it. -% -If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? -% -If you don't drink it, someone else will. -% -If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. - -- Clarence Day -% -If you don't have the time right now, -will you have redo right time later? -% -If you don't have time to do it right, where -are you going to find the time to do it over? -% -If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. -% -If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! -% -If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. - -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking -% -If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. -% -If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program -an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that -it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention -will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything -it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff -around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming -carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted -raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know -what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs -properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a -gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network -numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before -you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all -over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he -was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong -network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your -software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network -number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed -in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you -get my drift. -% -If you explain something so clearly that no -one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. -% -If you fail to plan, plan to fail. -% -If you find a solution and become attached to it, -the solution may become your next problem. -% -If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. -% -If you float on instinct alone, how can you -calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? - -- Christopher Hodder-Williams -% -If you fool around with something long -enough, it will eventually break. -% -If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. -% -If you give Congress a chance to vote on -both sides of an issue, it will always do it. - -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin -% -If you go on with this nuclear arms race, -all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - -- Winston Churchill -% -If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, -so as not to disturb those around you. -% -If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are -all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were -swimming. - -- Jack Handey -% -If you had better tools, you could more -effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. -% -If you had just one moment to live -And they granted you one special wish -Would you ask for something -Like another chance. - -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" -% -If you hands are clean and your cause is just -and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. -% -If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. -% -If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. - -- Bette Davis -% -If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. -% -If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a -new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, -does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must -make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. -The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if -you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer -will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with -cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the -dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion -of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things -straight. - -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" -% -If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. - -- Spiro Agnew -% -If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. -% -If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - -- Louis Armstrong -% -If you have to hate, hate gently. -% -If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. -% -If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career -in chartered accountancy beckons. - -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic - Systems course. -% -If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a -hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. - -- Neil Bogart -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot -yourself in the posterior. - -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to -boot yourself in the posterior. - -- A.J. Liebling -% -If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. -% -If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of -rubbish into it. - -- William Orton -% -If you knew what to say next, would you say it? -% -If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. - -- Petersen Nesbit -% -If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... -you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. - -- David Letterman -% -If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn -365 useless things. -% -If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. -% -If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - -- Graham Summer -% -If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. - -- Simone De Beauvoir -% -If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made -because very few people die past the age of a hundred. - -- George Burns -% -If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets -and fire them all off, wouldn't you? - -- Garrison Keillor -% -If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. - -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant -% -If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. -If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. -% -If you lose a son you can always get another, -but there's only one Maltese Falcon. - -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" -% -If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, -or famous or both. -% -If you love someone, set them free. -If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. -% -If you love something set it free. If it doesn't -come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. -% -If you make a mistake you right it -immediately to the best of your ability. -% -If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year -with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; -but if you really make them think they'll hate you. -% -If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll -be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - -- Ann Landers -% -If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody -in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. -% -If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. - -- Schmidt -% -If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. -Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. -% -If you need anything just whistle. -You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? -Just put your lips together and blow. - -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" -% -If you notice that a person is deceiving you, -they must not be deceiving you very well. -% -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not -bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, -you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get -ice, but no cup. -% -If you put it off long enough, it might go away. -% -If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. -But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, -is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. - -- Pierre Gallois -% -If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a -restaurant. - -- Snoopy -% -If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. -Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have -something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because -they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because -they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them -if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains --- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. - -- Hermann Goering -% -If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. -% -If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. -% -If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire -deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading -are precisely those that challenge our convictions. -% -If you see an onion ring -- answer it! -% -If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. -But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. - -- Swami Prabhupada -% -If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. -% -If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from -many it's research. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -If you stew apples like cranberries, -they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. - -- Groucho Marx -% -If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, -It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. -Or some joker who is slicker, -Will trick you of your liquor, -If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. -% -If you stick your head in the sand, -one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. -% -If you suspect a man, don't employ him. -% -If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have -schizophrenia. - -- Thomas Szasz -% -If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble -then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real -harm. -% -If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. -% -If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard -% -If you think last Tuesday was a drag, -wait till you see what happens tomorrow! -% -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, -try missing a couple of car payments. - -- Earl Wilson -% -If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time -someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with -your Bic. -% -If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. - -- Arthur Kasspe -% -If you think the system is working, -ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. -% -If you think the United States has stood still, -who built the largest shopping center in the world? - -- Richard Nixon -% -If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you -lack sufficient imagination. -% -If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be -to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to -say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party -next year. - What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake - up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if -they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious -to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning -parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having -another one ... - If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, -unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas -through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that -they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, -your job is to make sure it isn't you ... - -- Dave Barry -% -If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined -them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! - -- Mr. Interesting -% -If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them -end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -% -If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom -and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. - -- F.D. Roosevelt -% -If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. -% -If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having -done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. -% -If you want me to be a good little bunny -just dangle some carats in front of my nose. - -- Lauren Bacall -% -If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. - -- Michelet -% -If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's -read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. - -- Don Marquis -% -If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. -% -If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - -- Woody Allen -% -If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. -% -If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate -books. - -- Alan King -% -If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. - -- Harry Blackstone -% -If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the -Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. -Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory -containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with -the word "National". - -- George Will -% -If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word -you say, talk in your sleep. -% -If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some -memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' -it, even if they don't know what it means. - -- Walt Kelly -% -If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. -% -If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that -fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and -heartbeats. -% -If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. -If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. -If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. -If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. - -- Chinese Proverb -% -If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. -% -If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur -boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. - -- Anton Chekov -% -If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. -If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak - well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. -If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. -If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your - position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... - but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. -If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the - institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will - be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason - why. -% -If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. -% -If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. - -- Ben Franklin -% -If you would understand your own age, read the works -of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. -% -If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, -Bed down with a pretty girl. -Amor vincit omnia. -% -If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. -% -If your bread is stale, make toast. -% -If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. -If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. - -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" -% -If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, -I guess you do have a problem. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. -% -If your mother knew what you're doing, -she'd probably hang her head and cry. -% -If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. -% -If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no -longer be fantasies. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a -piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. - -- W.C. Fields -% -If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real -embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. - -- Jack Handey -% -If you're careful enough, nothing -bad or good will ever happen to you. -% -If you're carrying a torch, put it down. -The Olympics are over. -% -If you're constantly being mistreated, -you're cooperating with the treatment. -% -If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four -strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work -together yet. - -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. -% -If you're going to America, bring your own food. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -If you're going to do something tonight -that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - -- Henny Youngman -% -If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. -% -If you're happy, you're successful. -% -If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -% -If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, -As well as by traffic and crime, -Consider how worry-free gophers are, -Though living on burrowed time. - -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 -% -If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it -off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. -% -If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -ignisecond, n: - The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car - door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -IGNORANCE: - When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. -% -Ignorance is bliss. - -- Thomas Gray - -Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: - BLISS is ignorance. -% -Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the -rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. - -- Franklin K. Dane -% -Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. -% -Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people -so resolutely pursuing it. -% -Ignore previous fortune. -% -Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux - Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, -Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, - Et le momerade horgrave. - -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-mumsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -% -I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. -% -I'll burn my books. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's -in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" -% -I'll grant thee random access to my heart, -Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; -And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove -And in our bound partition never part. - -Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? -Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, -A root or two, a torus and a node: -The inverse of my verse, a null domain. - -I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, -I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. -Bernoulli would have been content to die -Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! -% -I'll learn to play the Saxophone, -I play just what I feel. -Drink Scotch whisky all night long, -And die behind the wheel. -They got a name for the winners in the world, -I want a name when I lose. -They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, -Call me Deacon Blues. - -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" -% -I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... - -- Pink Floyd -% -I'll never get off this planet. - -- Luke Skywalker -% -I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. -% -I'll turn over a new leaf. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask -any Indian. - -- Robert Orben - -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% -Illegitimi non carborundum -(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) -% -Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: -it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. -% -Illiterate? Write today, for free help! -% -Illusion is the first of all pleasures. - -- Voltaire -% -I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe -that I could have evolved from man. -% -"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." - -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of - the idea of a doomsday machine. -"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." - -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant - Ellen up a steep incline. -"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." - -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. -"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." - -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in - Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. -"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." - -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. -"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." - -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark - that Kirk talked strangely. -"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." - -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the - aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. -"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" - -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a - physical exam to answer the alert. -% -I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on -a sports jacket and take off my brain. -% -I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to - thank everyone for making this night necessary. - -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor -% -I'm all for computer dating, but I -wouldn't want one to marry my sister. -% -I'm always looking for a new idea that -will be more productive than its cost. - -- David Rockefeller -% -I'm an artist. -But it's not what I really want to do. -What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. -I know what you're going to say -- -"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." -All right! But it's what I want to do. -Instead I have to go on painting all day long. - -The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. - -- J. Feiffer -% -I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe -that I could have been created by man. -% -"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -I'm dying beyond my means. - -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne -% -"I'm dying," he croaked. -"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . -"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. -"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. -"The fire is going out," he bellowed. -"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. -"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. -"You snake," she rattled. -"Someone's at the door," she chimed. -"Company's coming," she guessed. -"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. -"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. -"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. -"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. -"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. - -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" -% -I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - -- George McGovern -% -I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. - -- Gore Vidal -% -I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've -just had a good war. - -- Mae West -% -I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. -% -I'm glad I was not born before tea. - -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) -% -I'm glad that I'm an American, -I'm glad that I am free, -But I wish I were a little doggy, -And McGovern were a tree. -% -I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens -every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share -it with you. - -> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and - the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. -> And in LA it's 72. - -> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity - is a million percent. -> And in LA it's 72. - -> In New York there are a million interesting people. -> And in LA there are 72. -% -I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. - -- Fred Allen -% -I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. - -- Woody Allen -% -I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. - -- John Foreman -% -I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson -says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. - -- Bob Hope -% -I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - -- Harold Urey -% -I'm just as sad as sad can be! - I've missed your special date. -Please say that you're not mad at me - My tax return is late. - -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards -% -I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be -living apart. - -- E.E. Cummings -% -I'm N-ary the tree, I am, -N-ary the tree, I am, I am. -I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, -She's traversed me seven times before. -And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) -I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. -N-ary the tree I am, I am, -N-ary the tree I am. - -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders -% -I'm not a lovable man. - -- Richard Nixon. -% -I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out -with twenty-eight years ago. - -- Will Rogers -% -I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. - -- Woody Allen -% -I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to -match the men. - -- George Eliot -% -I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. - -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C -% -I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. -% -I'm not offering myself as an example; -every life evolves by its own laws. -% -I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. -% -I'm not proud. -% -"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" -% -I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. - -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 -% -I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! -% -I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't -that good. - -- Amy Gorin -% -I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol -that some thinkle peep I am. -It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. -% -I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- -gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, -and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing -to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as -yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you -really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but -what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's -okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. - -- Carl Sagan -% -I'm prepared for all emergencies but -totally unprepared for everyday life. -% -I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. - -- Arthur Godfrey -% -I'm really enjoying not talking to you... -Let's not talk again REAL soon... -% -I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. -% -I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. -% -I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. -% -I'm sorry I missed. - -- Squeaky Fromme -% -I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. -% -I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. -% -I'm successful because I'm lucky. -The harder I work, the luckier I get. -% -"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking -a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." - "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under -my arm." -% -I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, -I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; -In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, -I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" -% -I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, -like pigeons and Catholics. - -- Woody Allen -% -Imagination is more important than knowledge. - -- A. Einstein -% -Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - -- Jules de Gaultier -% -Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual -way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of -complaining. - -- Jef Raskin -% -Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a -150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a -screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition -for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first -question that the computer community asks? - -"Is it PC compatible?" -% -Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. - -- John Lennon, "Imagine" -% -Imagine what we can imagine! - -- Arthur Rubinstein -% -Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. - -- Genji -% -Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: - In order for something to become clean, something else must - become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting - anything clean. -% -Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - -- Fred Allen -% -Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. -% -Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. -% -Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. - -- Lionel Trilling -% -Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. - -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" -% -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% -Immortality -- a fate worse than death. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -Immutability, Three Rules of: - (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. - (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. - (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. -% -IMPARTIAL: - Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from - espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two - conflicting opinions. -% -Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. -Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading -it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving -from where you left them to where you can't find them. -% -In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin -in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to -revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from -behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka -shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. - -It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the -ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. -% -In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the -dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government -more to its liking. - -In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of -Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its -liking. -% -In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. -% -In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, -an IC will blow to protect the fuse. -% -In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: -the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. -% -In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death -by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, -has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. - -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 -% -In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room -humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network -anyway. - -- The 5th Wave -% -In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. -Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. -% -In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is -placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. -% -In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the -other really likes. - -- Elizabeth Ashley -% -In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... -in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent -to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who -have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" -% -In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between -frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they -are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with -minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct -compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can -lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, -this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. -% -In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search -of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest -because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only -person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is -superior to Tops10. -% -In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's -taste and in a sports car it's impossible. -% -In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the -risk he takes. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. -% -In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to -be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's -beloved. - -- Russell Baker -% -In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. -% -In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the -sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. - -- Idi Amin Dada -% -In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) -are to be treated as variables. -% -In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, -the answer may be obtained by inspection. -% -In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- -it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. - -- Stuart Keate -% -IN BOX: - A catch basin for everything you don't want - to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. -% -In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless -the cows are known sluts. - -- Johnny Carson -% -In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it -made the World Series just something that came later. - -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner -% -In buying horses and taking a wife -shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. -% -In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he -thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent -teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig -said, "up to the mathematicians." - -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 -% -In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make -it into television shows. - -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" -% -In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. -% -In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling -against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. -% -In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" - -- The Kidner Report -% -In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" -% -In case of injury notify your superior immediately. -He'll kiss it and make it better. -% -In charity there is no excess. - -- Francis Bacon -% -In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her -husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never -be free of subjugation. - -- The Hindu Code of Manu -% -In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. -% -In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. -This is called Monotony. -% -In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. - -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery -% -In dwelling, be close to the land. -In meditation, delve deep into the heart. -In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. -In speech, be true. -In work, be competent. -In action, be careful of your timing. - -- Lao Tsu -% -In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our -programming languages. -% -In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% -In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. -Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. -And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, - a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. - -- Mary Poppins -% -In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. -% -In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier -transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform -in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and -spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. - -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 -% -In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; -in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. -% -In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because -I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up -because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I -didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the -Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came -for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. - -- Pastor Martin Niemoller -% -In God we trust; all else we walk through. -% -In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker -know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? - -- Plato -% -In her first passion woman loves her lover, -In all the others all she loves is love. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" -% -In high school in Brooklyn -I was the baseball manager, -proud as I could be -I chased baseballs, -gathered thrown bats -handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own -It was very important work but it was dark blue while -for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green -but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything -When the team got to me about my blue jacket; -their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends -I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year -Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket -got these jackets, and among all those green ones -surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, - I still recall that jacket - and the memory goes on hurting. - -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" -% -In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together -afterwards that causes the problems. - -- Shelley Winters -% -In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. - -- Rex Reed -% -In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into -use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather -which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. - -- Mark Twain -% -In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, -murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci -and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had -five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? -The cuckoo-clock. - -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" -% -In just seven days, I can make you a man! - -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show - [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] -% -In less than a century, computers will be making substantial -progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. - -- James Slagle -% -In like a dimwit, out like a light. - -- Pogo -% -In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. - -- Bruton -% -In marriage, as in war, it is permitted -to take every advantage of the enemy. -% -In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but -the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they -have obtained from books of travel. - -- Mark Twain -% -In matters of principle, stand like a rock; -in matters of taste, swim with the current. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. - -- Josi Simon -% -In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. -It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. -% -In most instances, all an argument -proves is that two people are present. -% -In my end is my beginning. - -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots -% -In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending -your left leg, it's modern architecture. - -- Nancy Banks Smith -% -IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out -becoming pure energy. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -In Nature there are neither rewards nor -punishments, there are consequences. - -- R.G. Ingersoll -% -In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- -a practice which is still continued. - -- Helen Rowland -% -In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. -% -In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; -you're what's left. -% -In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. -% -In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. -It is not always an easy sacrifice. -% -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence -is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, -intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption -from the cares of office. -% -In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. -% -In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced -a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. - -- John Diefenbaker -% -In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, -happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. - -- Paul Licker -% -In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you -want the other person. - -- Margaret Anderson -% -In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. - -- Will Durst -% -In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really -good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change -their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really -do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are -human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot -recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. - -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address -% -In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. -% -In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. - -- Ann Frank -% -In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. - -- Alan Kay -% -In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" -And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. -% -In the beginning was the word. -But by the time the second word was added to it, -There was trouble. -For with it came syntax ... - -- John Simon -% -In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the -Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact -which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, -intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page -14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and -fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest -discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers -to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that -memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: - - "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and - could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide - until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable - combination." - -Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he -could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. -% -In the days of old, -When Knights were bold, - And women were too cautious; -Oh, those gallant days, -When women were women, - And men were really obnoxious. -% -In the dimestores and bus stations -People talk of situations -Read books repeat quotations -Draw conclusions on the wall. - -- Bob Dylan -% -In the early morning queue, -With a listing in my hand. -With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, -Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. -I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, -How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. -In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, -With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. - Hey, there it goes my friend, - I've moved up one at last. - -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early - Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot -% -In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes -into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird -moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This -message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making -its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue -sky at its back, returns home. - -The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. -The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. -The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know - that the bird has come and gone. -% -In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. - -- Martin Mull -% -In the first place, God made idiots; -this was for practice; then he made school boards. - -- Mark Twain -% -In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in -the proper order then why can't he? -% -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks -% -In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. - -- Joseph Stalin -% -In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. -You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. -% -In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, -woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. - -- Tolstoy -% -In the land of the dark the Ship of the -Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. - -- Egyptian Book of the Dead -% -In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - -- Alan Perlis -% -In the long run we are all dead. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands -a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to -the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. - -Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? -A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. -% -In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man -noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of -the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet -conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this -jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" - "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you -live?" -% -In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not -displeasing to us. - -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" -% -In the next world, you're on your own. -% -In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the -wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After -everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the -camp. - After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from -a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get -louder and louder. - Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like -the sound of those drums." - Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S -NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." -% -In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a -loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to -you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty -lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog -and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it -was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and -struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny -and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the -crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. - -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian - novel. -% -In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has -shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old -Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred -thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the -Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is -something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of -conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% -In the Spring, I have counted 136 -different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. - -- Mark Twain, on New England weather -% -In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. -% -In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop -out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. - -- Art Linkletter -% -In the war of wits, he's unarmed. -% -In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. -In practice, there is. -% -In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. - -- Pliny the Elder -% -In this vale -Of toil and sin -Your head grows bald -But not your chin. - -- Burma Shave -% -In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be -thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. -So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. -% -In this world there are only two tragedies. One is -not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. -% -In time, every post tends to be occupied by an -employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. - -- Dr. L.J. Peter -% -In /users3 did Kubla Kahn -A stately pleasure dome decree, -Where /bin, the sacred river ran -Through Test Suites measureless to Man -Down to a sunless C. -% -In war it is not men, but the man who counts. - -- Napoleon -% -In war, truth is the first casualty. - -- U Thant -% -In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? -% -In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). - -- Pliny -% -In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree -But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. -% -In Xanadu did Kubla Khan -A stately pleasure dome decree: -Where Alph, the sacred river, ran -Through caverns measureless to man -Down to a sunless sea. -So twice five miles of fertile ground -With walls and towers were girdled round: -And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, -Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; -And here were forest ancient as the hills, -Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. - -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" -% -In youth, it was a way I had -To do my best to please, -And change, with every passing lad, -To suit his theories. - -But now I know the things I know, -And do the things I do; -And if you do not like me so, -To hell, my love, with you! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" -% -INCENTIVE PROGRAM: - The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses - to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with - profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective - incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to - keep it." -% -Include me out. -% -Increased knowledge will help you now. -Have mate's phone bugged. -% -INCUMBENT: - Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -% -Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. -% -Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as -`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled -with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' - -- M.D. Epstein -% -INDEX: - Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an - alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. -% -Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and -basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley -is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. - -- Carolyn Jones -% -Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% -Individualists unite! -% -Indomitable in retreat; invincible in -advance; insufferable in victory. - -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery -% -infancy, n: - The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies -about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the -Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. -% -Information Center: - A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to - tell you why you cannot have the information you require. -% -Information is the inverse of entropy. -% -Information Processing: - What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with - it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: - Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! - Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet - behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen - obedicing the instructs of the vessel. - - On the door in a Belgrade hotel: - Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on - the service. Our utmost will improve it. - - -- Colin Bowles -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Sign on a cathedral in Spain: - It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if - dressed as a man. - - Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: - Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband - or similar. - - On a Bucharest elevator: - - The lift is being fixed for the next days. - During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. - - -- Colin Bowles -% -Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations - - Various signs in Poland: - - Right turn toward immediate outside. - - Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. - - Five o'clock tea at all hours. - - In a men's washroom in Sidney: - - Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, - rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands - on front of shirt. - - -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle -% -ingrate, n: - A man who bites the hand that feeds him, - and then complains of indigestion. -% -Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -ink, n: - A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, - and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of - idiocy and promote intellectual crime. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one -likes oneself. - -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" -% -INNOVATE: - Annoy people. -% -Innovation is hard to schedule. - -- Dan Fylstra -% -INNUENDO: - Italian enema. -% -Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same -token it is the shortest detour to marriage. - -- Wilson Mizner -% -Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! -% -Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when -the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. -% -INSECURITY: - Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your - favorite words. - - Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to - the person who told it to you. -% -Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. -% -Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. -% -Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first - hunting accident?" -Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." - -- Woody Allen -% -Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. -% -Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't -they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning -anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five -years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. - -- Edgar W. Howe -% -Integrity has no need for rules. -% -Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Intellect annuls Fate. -So far as a man thinks, he is free. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Interchangeable parts won't. -% -INTEREST: - What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and - burned out employees must feign. -% -Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the -street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US -invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; -and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" - -- David Letterman -% -Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're -best at, that's what I say. - -- Doctor Who -% -INTERPRETER: - One who enables two persons of different languages to understand - each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the - interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -% -Into love and out again, - Thus I went and thus I go. -Spare your voice, and hold your pen: - Well and bitterly I know -All the songs were ever sung, - All the words were ever said; -Could it be, when I was young, - Someone dropped me on my head? - -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" -% -INTOXICATED: - When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. -% -Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. - -INSTRUCTION SET - Code Mnemonic What - 0 NOP No Operation - 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) - -Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! -% -Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! -% -Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- -it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. - -- Bernard Cooke -% -I/O, I/O, -It's off to disk I go, -A bit or byte to read or write, -I/O, I/O, I/O... -% - - -_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l -I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l - [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l - [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l - [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l - [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l - [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l - [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l - [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l - [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l - [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's - [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings -_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ - [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> - -In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. - -% -IOT trap -- core dumped -% -IOT trap -- mos dumped -% -Iowa State -- the high school after high school! - -- Crow T. Robot -% -Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because -they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those -little paper envelopes. -% -Iron Law of Distribution: - Them that has, gets. -% -IRONY: - A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with - a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. -% -Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? -% -Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? -% -"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? -Or are we suffering in Safeway?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? -% -Is death legally binding? -% -Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is -meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as -a soap bubble? -% -Is it weird in here, or is it just me? - -- Steven Wright -% -Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? -% -Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning -of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, -and such as are out wish to get in? - -- Ralph Emerson -% -Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. - -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" -% -Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? - -- Mae West -% -Is that really YOU that is reading this? -% -"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" -"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." -"The dog did nothing in the night-time." -"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. -% -Is there life before breakfast? -% -Is this really happening? -% -Isn't air travel wonderful? -Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. -% -Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent -person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? - -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters -% -Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction -listen to weather forecasts and economists? - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives -avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that -would make them better prospects? -% -Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live -there? - -- Herb Caen -% -Isn't it strange that the same people that -laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? -% -ISO applications: - A solution in search of a problem! -% -Issawi's Laws of Progress: - The Course of Progress: - Most things get steadily worse. - The Path of Progress: - A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% -It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the -most widely used higher level language for systems programming. - -- J. Sammet -% -It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, -Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. -It lies behind starts and under hills, -And empty holes it fills. -It comes first and follows after, -Ends life, kills laughter. -% -"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is -any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's -horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's -existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be -that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a -thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's -horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's -horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that -Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only -have wings by not being Walter's horse. - -I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P -then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand -for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is -necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a -better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. - -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" -% -It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would -interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation -for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were -invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by -was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is -hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have -carried me. - -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" -% -It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. -% -It does not matter if you fall down as long as you -pick up something from the floor while you get up. -% -It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've -done and what you're going to do. -% -It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. -% -It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out -next morning it was someone else. - -- Rogers -% -It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan -which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, -insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather -than be the instrument of his army's downfall. - -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" -% -It gets late early out there. - -- Yogi Berra -% -It got to the point where I had to get a haircut -or both feet firmly planted in the air. -% -It hangs down from the chandelier -Nobody knows quite what it does -Its color is odd and its shape is weird -It emits a high-sounding buzz - -It grows a couple of feet each day -and wriggles with sort of a twitch -Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from -a visiting uncle who's rich! - -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" -% -It happened long ago -In the new magic land -The Indians and the buffalo -Existed hand in hand -The Indians needed food -They need skins for a roof -The only took what they needed -And the buffalo ran loose -But then came the white man -With his thick and empty head -He couldn't see past his billfold -He wanted all the buffalo dead -It was sad, oh so sad. - -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" -% -It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came -out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. -He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world -will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe -that it is a joke. -% -It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be -most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, -it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. - -- H. Warner Munn -% -It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it -is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists -have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life -I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends -and getting people under the influence. - -- Jeremy Tunstall -% -It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. -% -It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, -or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who -achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom -good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy -notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all -infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from -folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens -their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that -appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, -and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum -competence will be quite enough. - -- The Underground Grammarian -% -It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely -the most important. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -It has long been an axiom of mine that the -little things are infinitely the most important. - -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" -% -It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the -manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle -baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest -is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. -% -It has long been known that one horse can run faster -than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. - -- Lazarus Long -% -It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of -indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury -is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim -of infanticide. - -- Edmond About -% -It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, -to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. - -- Marcus Porcius Cato -% -It is a lesson which all history teaches -wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. - -- Emerson -% -It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. -% -It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. - -- Aeschylus -% -It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was -my age, he had been dead for 2 years. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but -it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to -organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The -manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and -I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. - The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they -could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, -three more than the schedule allowed. - The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they -could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; -it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. -Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling -their thumbs for ten months. - To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control -program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, -but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and -it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual -integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would -estimate that it added a year to debugging time. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" -% -It is a wise father that knows his own child. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. -What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing -thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? - -- Alan Perlis -% -It is all right to hold a conversation, -but you should let go of it now and then. - -- Richard Armour -% -It is always the best policy to speak the truth, -unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, -you are an exceptionally good liar. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. -% -It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. - -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) -% -It is bad luck to be superstitious. - -- Andrew W. Mathis -% -[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. - -- K&R -% -It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. -% -It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. -% -It is better to burn out than it is to rust. -% -It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. -% -It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. -% -It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. -% -It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. -% -It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. -% -It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. -% -It is better to live rich than to die rich. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. -% -It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. -% -It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, -and weight yourself down with invisible chains. -% -It is better to wear out than to rust out. -% -It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: -freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. - -- Mark Twain -% -It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, -admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -It is contrary to reasoning to say that there -is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. - -- Descartes -% -It is convenient that there be gods, and, -as it is convenient, let us believe there are. - -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) -% -It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might -remember. - -- Eugene McCarthy -% -It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. -% -It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive -and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing -rabbits singing about toilet paper. - -- R. Serling -% -It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. -% -It is easier for a camel to pass through the -eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. - -- Kehlog Albran -% -It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its -proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a -better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat -your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of -attention, the harder the task. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. -% -It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. - -- Alfred Adler -% -It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. - -- George Santayana -% -It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. - -- Leonardo da Vinci -% -It is easier to run down a hill than up one. -% -It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. -% -It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. - -- Aeschylus -% -It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination -of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... - -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters -% -It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he -holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who -is there, but speed him when he wishes. - -- Homer, "The Odyssey" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to scheduling.] -% -It is exactly because a man cannot do a -thing that he is a proper judge of it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This -is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the -last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give -enough. - -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" -% -It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. -% -It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities -without your help. - -- Miss Manners -% -It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. -% -It is fruitless: - to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. - - to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with - innovative maneuvers. -% -It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because -if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: -love does not lie in the ear. - -- Walpole -% -It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward -the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the -case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by -crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. -% -It is impossible to defend perfectly -against the attack of those who want to die. -% -It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly -unless one has plenty of work to do. - -- Jerome Klapka Jerome -% -It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -It is impossible to make anything -foolproof because fools are so ingenious. -% -It is impossible to travel faster than light, and -certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - -- Woody Allen -% -IT IS IN PROCESS: - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. -% -It is indeed desirable to be well descended, -but the glory belongs to our ancestors. - -- Plutarch -% -It is like saying that for the cause of peace, -God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. - -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip -% -It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his -wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when -they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks -like a happy married life. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -It is much easier to suggest solutions -when you know nothing about the problem. -% -It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. -% -It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged -to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the -youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. - -- Kingsley Amis -% -It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. -% -It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, -that makes life blessed. - -- Goethe -% -It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. - -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's - [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] - -It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. - -- Gore Vidal - [Great minds think alike? Ed.] -% -It is not enough to have a good mind. -The main thing is to use it well. - -- Rene Descartes -% -It is not enough to have great qualities, -we should also have the management of them. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -It is not every question that deserves an answer. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -It is not for me to attempt to fathom the -inscrutable workings of Providence. - -- The Earl of Birkenhead -% -It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, -and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. - -- Proverbs 19:2 -% -It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for -dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but -she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She -does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a -dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the -dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. - -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" -% -It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply -that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. - -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" -% -It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether -the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the -man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and -blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who -knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a -worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that -he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory -or defeat. - -- Teddy Roosevelt -% -It is not true that life is one damn thing after -another -- it's one damn thing over and over. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% -It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on -the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His -wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a -kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and -big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair -and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some -kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife -sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* - -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" -% -It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? - -- Elizabeth Carpenter -% -It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. -% -It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort -to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and -chemistry. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. - -- Grace Murray Hopper -% -It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. - -- Cervantes -% -It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live -at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result -is the only thing that makes the result come true. - -- William James -% -It is only with the heart one can see clearly; -what is essential is invisible to the eye. - -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" -% -It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost -anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push -a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible -way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension -should be used in its proper place. - -- Christopher Strachey -% -It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. - -- Maimie Van Doren -% -It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that -have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are -mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat -rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they -kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. - -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's -% -It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, -his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the -worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one -day like any other day, only shorter. - -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" -% -It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a -sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate -in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, -too, shall pass away." - -- A. Lincoln -% -It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the -lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as -high as the eagle? -% -It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. - -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard -% -It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the -devil when he is the only explanation of it. - -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" -% -It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- -yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. -% -It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious -to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, -which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the -highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, -worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" -% -It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It is the business of little minds to shrink. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -It is the business of the future to be dangerous. - -- Hawkwind -% -It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will -set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. - -- Francis Bacon -% -It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. - -- Francis Bacon -% -It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. -% -It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously -lives, works and has his being. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five -straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes -Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. -% -It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. - -- Lloyd Kaufman, - producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" -% -It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. -It produces a false impression. - -- Oscar Wilde. -% -It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. - -- Roger Babson -% -It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. -% -It isn't easy being green. - -- Kermit the Frog -% -It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty -small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands -computers. -% -It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be -unhappy. - -- Groucho Marx -% -It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. - -- Jack T. Shakespeare -% -It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods -to Grandmother's condo. -% -It looked like something resembling white marble, which was -probably what it was: something resembling white marble. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" -% -It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. -% -It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. -Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about -a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw -that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." - -Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair -to get in, and those within despair of getting out. - -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne -% -It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win -or lose. - -- Darrin Weinberg -% -It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is -better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. - -- Lazarus Long -% -It may be that your whole purpose in life -is simply to serve as a warning to others. -% -It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. -% -It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more -doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of -a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit -by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders -in those who would gain by the new ones. - -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 -% -It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions -that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that -starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. -% -It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. -% -It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of -one's life and then come round. - -- Lord Alfred Douglas -% -It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. -% -It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and -they'll come out for it. - -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul - Harry Cohn -% -It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones -slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much -more. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% -It seems a little silly now, but this country -was founded as a protest against taxation. -% -It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should -be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of -unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of -artificial lubrication or foreplay. - -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's - "Sex, Art and American Culture" -% -It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. - -- Chris Torek -% -It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level -language named "research student". -% -It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. -% -It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how -to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, -and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family -airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The -average wife is like that. - -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike -% -It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. -% -It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. -% -It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. - -- Crazy Charlie -% -It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. -% -It takes less time to do a thing right -than it does to explain why you did it wrong. - -- H.W. Longfellow -% -It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. -% -It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card -may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada -military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said -the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found -a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army -officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the -Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. - -- Aviation Week and Space Technology -% -It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - -- Robert Benchley -% -It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the -system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine -some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very -sharp, probably not someone here on campus. - -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in - Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. -% -It used to be the fun was in -The capture and kill. -In another place and time -I did it all for thrills. - -- Lust to Love -% -It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - -- Mark Twain -% -It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. -% -It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. -% -It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest -since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and -laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. - -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" -% -It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks -never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. - -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" -% -It was all so different before everything changed. -% -It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, -when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. - -- Dion, noted computer scientist -% -It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze -was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... - --- James Dent -% -It was one time too many -One word too few -It was all too much for me and you -There was one way to go -Nothing more we could do -One time too many -One word too few - -- Meredith Tanner -% -It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. -% -It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," -thought Frito. - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps -I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I -don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and -the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual -charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its -novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but -yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable -man a lifetime. - -- Thomas Aldrich -% -It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country -road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse -and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water -from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. -The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked -to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a -man appeared out of an upstairs window. - "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. - "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you -would let me stay here for the night." - "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's -okay with me." -% -It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. -Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -It was wonderful to find America, but it -would have been more wonderful to miss it. - -- Mark Twain -% -It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. - -- Tim Conway -% -It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. -It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. -% -It would be nice to be sure of anything -the way some people are of everything. -% -It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. -% -italic, adj: - Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to - Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases - are often slanted to the left. -% -It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. -% -It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. - -- Luke Skywalker -% -It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. - -- Danny Vermin -% -It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back -and party! - -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" -% -It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. - -- Andrew Jackson -% -It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. - -- Cheers -% -It's a naive, domestic operating system without any -breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. -% -It's a poor workman who blames his tools. -% -It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression -when you lose yours. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - -- Steven Wright -% -It's all in the mind, ya know. -% -It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. - -- Mick Jagger -% -"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand -any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are -never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come -out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. -What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of -flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones -half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and -then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could -have thought it up, I wonder?" - -- James Purdy -% -It's always darkest just before the lights go out. - -- Alex Clark -% -It's amazing how many people you could be friends -with if only they'd make the first approach. -% -It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. -% -It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. -% -It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. - -- Michael Arlen -% -It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, -but why do the rats always have to win? -% -It's better to be quotable than to be honest. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. - -- Marty Winch -% -It's better to burn out than it is to rust. -% -It's better to burn out than to fade away. -% -It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. -% -It's business doing pleasure with you. -% -It's clever, but is it art? -% -It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. -% -"It's easier said than done." - -... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than -said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than -said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than -done". -% -It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. - -- Don Price -% -It's easier to get forgiveness for being -wrong than forgiveness for being right. -% -It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. - -- Washlesky -% -It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; -it's much harder to forgive them for being right. -% -It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. -% -It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! - -- Macy's -% -Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism -in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with -the ignorance of the community. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -It's faster horses, -Younger women, -Older whiskey and -More money. - -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" -% -It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. - -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" -% -It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the -first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to -kill somebody. - -- Dorothy Sayers -% -It's gonna be alright, -It's almost midnight, -And I've got two more bottles of wine. -% -It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, -even if most of them are bad. -% -It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. -If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? -% -It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. -% -It's hard to drive at the limit, but -it's harder to know where the limits are. - -- Stirling Moss -% -It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. - -- Groucho Marx -% -It's hard to keep your shirt on when -you're getting something off your chest. -% -It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. - -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" -% -It's hard to think of you as the end -result of millions of years of evolution. -% -It's important that people know what you stand for. -It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. -% -It's interesting to think that many quite -distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. -% -It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. -If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't -our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" -% -It's just apartment house rules, -So all you 'partment house fools -Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. -One man's ceiling is another man's floor. - -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" -% -It's later than you think. -% -It's later than you think, the joint -Russian-American space mission has already begun. -% -It's like deja vu all over again. - -- Yogi Berra -% -It's Like This - -Even the samurai -have teddy bears, -and even the teddy bears -get drunk. -% -It's lucky you're going so slowly, because -you're going in the wrong direction. -% -It's multiple choice time... - - What is FORTRAN? - - a: Between thre and fiv tran. - b: What two computers engage in before they interface. - c: Ridiculous. -% -Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. -It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. - -- Mark Twain -% -It's never too late to have a happy childhood. -% -It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding -a sickness you like. - -- Jackie Mason -% -It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. -% -It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - -- Phil White -% -It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. - -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston -% -It's not easy being green. - -- Kermit -% -It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. - -- Alexander Korda -% -It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. -% -It's not that I'm afraid to die. -I just don't want to be there when it happens. - -- Woody Allen -% -It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. -% -It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. - -- Mae West -% -It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. -% -It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. - -- Grantland Rice -% -It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. -% -It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. -% -It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is -the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages -"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain -what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. - -- Roger Noe -% -It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. - -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been - elected governor of California. - -[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy -for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] -% -It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve -as a warning to others. -% -It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; -poverty and wealth have both failed. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. -% -It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, -society will take full responsibility for you. -% -It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped -using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not -only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only -difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental -results to humans. - - [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] -% -It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers -have been all over it. - -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. -% -It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, - just to see if it's real, -Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, -But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, -So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, -Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? - -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" -% -It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -Devil when he is the only explanation for it. -% -It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. -% -It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? -% -It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises -the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... -boy gets another beer. - -- Cheers -% -"It's today!" said Piglet. -"My favorite day," said Pooh. -% -It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're -madly in love, drunk, or running for office. -% -It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the -venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. - -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. -% -It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never -know when everything may suddenly stop happening. -% -IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or - equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to - spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. - Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it - inevitably unsuccessful. - V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. - Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel - them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an - adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to - the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. - The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding - auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. -VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. - This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a - character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of - altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common - as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" - character has the option of self-replication only at manic high - speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. - -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 -% -I've already told you more than I know. -% -I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. -% -I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, -when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! -% -I've always made it a solemn practice to never -drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. - -- R. Nesson -% -I've been in more laps than a napkin. - -- Mae West -% -I've Been Moved! -% -I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - -- Totie Fields -% -I've been on this lonely road so long, -Does anybody know where it goes, -I remember last time the signs pointed home, -A month ago. - -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" -% -I've been there. -% -I've built a better model than the one at Data General -For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral -My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; -My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. -My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, -You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; -There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; -My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. - -I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: -There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, -Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral -I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of - "Modern Major General") -% -I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. -It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. - -- Dennie van Tassel -% -I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. -% -I've got a very bad feeling about this. - -- Han Solo -% -I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. - -- Henny Youngman -% -I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. - -- Stephen Wright -% -I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. -I'd like to watch him have another. -% -I've looked at the listing, and it's right! - -- Joel Halpern. -% -I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must -be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... - -Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. -% -I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. - -- George Gobel -% -I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. - -- Keith Richards - -I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of -bad taste. - -- Keith Richards -% -I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - -- W.C. Fields -% -I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. -% -I've only got 12 cards. -% -I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not -like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; -indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand -devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. -I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. - -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway -% -I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes -me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: - No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the - legislature is in session. -% -jake hates - all the girls(the -shy ones, the bold paul scorns all -ones; the meek the girls(the -proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim -all except the cold ones; the slim - ones plump tiny tall) - all except the - dull ones -gus loves all the - girls(the -warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls -ones; the mad (the -moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean -all except ones; the mean - the dead ones kind dirty clean) - all - except the green ones - -- e e cummings -% -James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his -West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, -"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." -% -Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back -east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible -Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium -because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, -by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social -grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on -television?" and "Good night". - -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho - Letters, 1967 -% -Japan, n: - A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists - create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It - is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are - paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from - which they are harvested by the happy natives. -% -Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. -% -Jenkinson's Law: - It won't work. -% -Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. -You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! -% -Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay -you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! -% -Jim Nasium's Law: - In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people - using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to - each other so that everybody is cramped. -% -Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and -I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two -days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! -% -Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel -Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it -to you. You gonna pay it? -% -JOB INTERVIEW: - The excruciating process during which personnel officers - separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. -% -job Placement, n: - Telling your boss what he can do with your job. -% -Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. - -- Snoopy -% -Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. -Her voice was little more than a whisper. - "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make -before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... -I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who -forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported -your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." - "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," -whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." -% -Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! -% -jogger, n: - An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. -% -John Dame May Oscar -Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde -But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton -Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder - -- Willard Espy -% -John Birch Society: - That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. - -- Edward P. Morgan -% -JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! - -(George and Ringo miffed.) -% -John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, -Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, -Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief -Is there a hole for me to get sick in? -The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, -Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. -And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, -Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. - -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" -% -Johnny Carson's Definition: - The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs - in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the - taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. -% -Johnson's First Law: - When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the - most inconvenient possible time. -% -Johnson's law: - Systems resemble the organizations that create them. -% -Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". -Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. -% -Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, -exciting people, and kill them. -% -Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, -meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. -% -Jones' First Law: - Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of - endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an - obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the - importance of their original contribution. -% -Jones' Second Law: - The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone - to blame it on. -% -Joshu: What is the true Way? -Nansen: Every way is the true Way. -J: Can I study it? -N: The more you study, the further from the Way. -J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? -N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. - It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do - not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open - yourself as wide as the sky. -% -Journalism is literature in a hurry. - -- Matthew Arnold -% -Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. -% -Juall's Law on Nice Guys: - Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. - Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! -% -Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that -reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away -someone else's cash. - -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" -% -Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. -Pick one. - -1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. -2: It's cheaper than going to France. -3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. -4: Life is short. -5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. -6: It matches my eyes. -7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. -8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. -9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. -10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. -11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. -12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. -% -Just a song before I go, Going through security -To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. -Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, -It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. -When the shows were over Just a song before I go, -We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. -And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound -I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. -She helped me with my suitcase, -She stands before my eyes, -Driving me to the airport -And to the friendly skies. - -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" -% -Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot -remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about -women. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions -seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be -totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason -there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all -the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is -not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep -sense of respect for the whole truth. - -- Stephen R. Schwambach -% -Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. - -- Irene Peter -% -Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. -% -Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't -going to get hit. - -- Joey -% -Just because the message may never be -received does not mean it is not worth sending. -% -Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they -are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see -what I mean. - -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. -% -Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. - -- Bob Dylan -% -Just because your doctor has a name for your -condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. -% -Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. -% -Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, -and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' - -- Glynda -% -Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. -% -Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody -who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth -about his or her love affairs. - -- Rebecca West -% -Just machines to make big decisions, -Programmed by men for compassion and vision, -We'll be clean when their work is done, -We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, -What a beautiful world this will be, -What a glorious time to be free. - -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" -% -Just once, I wish we would encounter -an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. - -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" -% -Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. - -- Buckeroo Banzai -% -`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, - As he landed his crew with care; -Supporting each man on the top of the tide - By a finger entwined in his hair. - -`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: - That alone should encourage the crew. -Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: - What I tell you three times is true.' -% -Just to have it is enough. -% -Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt -of all the others, and then do what's best. - -- Lovers and Other Strangers -% -Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" -% -Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, -Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, -I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, -Just can't remember who to send it to... - -Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, -I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, -I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, -But I always thought that I'd see you again. -Thought I'd see you one more time again. - -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" -% -JUSTICE: - A decision in your favor. -% -Justice is incidental to law and order. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -Justice, n: - A decision in your favor. -% -Kafka's Law: - In the fight between you and the world, back the world. - -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" -% -Kamikazes do it once. -% -KANSAS: - Where the men are men and so are the women! -% -Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: - -For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING -package of snack food. - -Gibson the Cat's Corollary: - -For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package -of lunch meat. -% -Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? -Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present - at the conception. - -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" -% -Katz' Law: - Men and nations will act rationally when - all other possibilities have been exhausted. - -History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have -exhausted all other alternatives. - -- Abba Eban -% -Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: - Population density is inversely proportional - to the square of the distance from the keg. -% -Kaufman's Law: - A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence - of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. -% -Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. - -- Mae West -% -Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. -% -Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she -With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, -Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, -The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. -Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... - -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" -% -Keep cool, but don't freeze. - -- Hellman's Mayonnaise -% -Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. -% -Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. -% -Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: - 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc - straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this - force is technically termed "car suck"). - 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive - than "Watch this!" - 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly - proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a - Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or - a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. - 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the - cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the - Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you - in the head and knock you silly. -% -Keep it short for pithy sake. -% -Keep on keepin' on. -% -Keep patting your enemy on the back until a -small bullet hole appears between your fingers. - -- Joe Bonanno -% -Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. - -- D. Gries -% -Keep the phase, baby. -% -Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. -% -Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way -you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you -at the end of six months. - -- Moore -% -Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. -% -Keep your Eye on the Ball, -Your Shoulder to the Wheel, -Your Nose to the Grindstone, -Your Feet on the Ground, -Your Head on your Shoulders. -Now... try to get something DONE! -% -Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Keep your laws off my body! -% -Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; -Open it and you remove all doubt. -% -Kennedy's Market Theorem: - Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, - you've got to go broke. -% -Kent's Heuristic: - Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. -% -kern, v: - 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear - of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, - metal object used as part of the monetary system. -% -KERNEL: - A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval - traditions of sorcery and black art. -% -Kettering's Observation: - Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -% -Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. -% -Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel -back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, -you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting -around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like -dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch -and slam the leaves. - -- Dave Barry -% -Kill a commy for your mommy. -% -Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. -% -Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! - -- Hindu saying -% -Kill Kill, -Hate Hate, -Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! -% -Kill your parents. - -- Jerry Rubin -% -Killing turkeys causes winter. -% -Kilroe hic erat! -% -Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: - Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. -% -KIN: - An affliction of the blood. -% -Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. - -- Mark Twain -% -Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. - -- Muad'dib -% -Kington's Law of Perforation: - If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such - as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest - part of the paper. -% -Kinkler's First Law: - Responsibility always exceeds authority. - -Kinkler's Second Law: - All the easy problems have been solved. -% -Kirk to Enterprise... -% -Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. -% -Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. -% -Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. -% -Kiss your keyboard goodbye! -% -Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. -% -Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. -% -Kissing don't last, cookery do. - -- George Meredith -% -Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and -sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. - -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" -% -Kitchen activity is highlighted. -Butter up a friend. -% -Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Klatu barada nikto. -% -Kleeneness is next to Godelness. -% -Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. -% -KLEPTOMANIAC: - A rich thief. -% -Kliban's First Law of Dining: - Never eat anything bigger than your head. -% -Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! -100% Damage to life support!!!! -% -Kludge, n: - An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a - distressing whole. - -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" -% -Knebel's Law: - It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading - causes of statistics. -% -Knights are hardly worth it. -I mean, all that shell and so little meat... -% -Knock, knock! - Who's there? -Sam and Janet. - Sam and Janet who? -Sam and Janet Evening... -% -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! -[chorus] - Yeay! - Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, - Stay on the Happy side of life! - Bum bum bum bum bum bum - You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, - So Stay on the Happy Side of life! - -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) - An another eather bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) - Still another ether bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) - Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) - Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] -Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) - Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] -% -Knocked, you weren't in. - -- Opportunity -% -Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? - --- No? - -GOOD! -% -Know Thy User. -% -Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. -% -Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - -- Henry N. Camp -% -KNOWLEDGE: - Things you believe. -% -Knowledge is power. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. - -- Aleister Crowley -% -Knowledge without common sense is folly. -% -Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" -Pee Wee: "Who's there?" -Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." -Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" -Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" -% -Kramer's Law: - You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. -% -Kramer's Law: -You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. -% -KROGT: - (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found - on fast-food game cards. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -LA: - Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed - is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. - From mud slides to brush fires. -% -Labor, n: - One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. -% -Lack of money is the root of all evil. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Lackland's Laws: - 1. Never be first. - 2. Never be last. - 3. Never volunteer for anything. -% -LACTOMANGULATION: - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that - one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. -% -Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, -Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants, -I come before you to stand behind you -To tell you of something I know nothing about. -Next Thursday (which is good Friday), -There will be a convention held in the -Women's Club which is strictly for Men. -Admission is free, pay at the door, -Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. -It was a summer's day in winter, -And the snow was raining fast, -As a barefoot boy with shoes on, -Stood sitting in the grass. -Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, -Two dead men got up to fight. -Three blind men to see fair play, -Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! -Back to back, they faced each other, -Drew their swords and shot each other. -A deaf policeman heard the noise, -Came and arrested those two dead boys. -% -Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big -boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's -the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or -under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan -to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with -her. - -- Billie Jean King -% -Lady, lady, should you meet -One whose ways are all discreet, -One who murmurs that his wife -Is the lodestar of his life, -One who keeps assuring you -That he never was untrue, -Never loved another one... -Lady, lady, better run! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" -% -Lady Luck brings added income today. -Lady friend takes it away tonight. -% -Lady Nancy Astor: - "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." -Winston Churchill: - "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." - -Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what -disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come -sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" - - During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet -luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second -helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" - "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for -white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. - The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from -her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if -you would pin this on your white meat." -% -Ladybug, ladybug, -Look to your stern! -Your house is on fire, -Your children will burn! -So jump ye and sing, for -The very first time -The four lines above -Have been put into rhyme. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Laetrile is the pits. -% -Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if -each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. -% -Lake Erie died for your sins. -% -((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) -% -Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his -duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee -table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new -manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some -of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the -candy, and said: - "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" -% -Language is a virus from another planet. - -- William Burroughs -% -Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. -Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? -Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by - 20,000 women. - -- Lank and Earl -% -Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the -[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, -honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that -he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. - -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross -% -Large increases in cost with questionable increases in -performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. - -- Lord Kalvin -% -Largest Number of Driving Test Failures - By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine -times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and -twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while -driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, -Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August -1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was -reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -Larkinson's Law: - All laws are basically false. -% -LASER: - Failed death ray. -% -Last guys don't finish nice. - -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs -% -Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up -the pillow was gone. - -- Tommy Cooper -% -Last night I met upon the stair -A little man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today. -Gee how I wish he'd go away! -% -Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... -The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. - -- Stephen Wright -% -Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. -I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. -% -Last week's pet, this week's special. -% -Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... -every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. -I don't remember what it was. - -- Stephen Wright -% -Latin is a language, -As dead as can be. -First it killed the Romans, -And now it's killing me. -% -Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. -% -Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -% -Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. -% -Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. -% -Laugh when you can; cry when you must. -% -Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. -% -Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - -- Victor Borge -% -Laura's Law: - No child throws up in the bathroom. -% -Lavish spending can be disastrous. -Don't buy any lavishes for a while. -% -Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum -force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Law of Communications: - The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications - between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased - area of misunderstanding. -% -Law of Continuity: - Experiments should be reproducible. - They should all fail the same way. -% -Law of Probable Dispersal: - Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% -Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has - the feeling that there is nothing important to do. -% -Law of Selective Gravity: - An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - -Jenning's Corollary: - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side - down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. - -Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. -% -Law of the Jungle: - He who hesitates is lunch. -% -Law of the Yukon: - Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. -% -Law stands mute in the midst of arms. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! -% -Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. -% -Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -Laws of Computer Programming: - 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. - 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. - 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. - 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. - 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. - 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. - 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of - the programmer who must maintain it. -% -LAWSUIT: - A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Lawyer's Rule: - When the law is against you, argue the facts. - When the facts are against you, argue the law. - When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. -% -Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. - -- S.J. Perelman -% -Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". - -- Shakespeare -% -Lays eggs inside a paper bag; -The reason, you will see, no doubt, -Is to keep the lightning out. -But what these unobservant birds -Have failed to notice is that herds -Of bears may come with buns -And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. -% -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: - No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. -% -LAZY: - Marrying a pregnant woman. -% -Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what -is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and -smaller -- and there are many more of them. - -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" -% -Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. -% -Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. -% -Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. -% -Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. -% -LEARNING CURVE: - An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants - in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the - quicker you can do it. -% -Learning without thought is labor lost; -thought without learning is perilous. - -- Confucius -% -Leave no stone unturned. - -- Euripides -% -Lee's Law: - Mother said there would be days like this, - but she never said that there'd be so many! -% -Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. -% -Leibowitz's Rule: - When hammering a nail, you will never hit your - finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. -% -Lemma: All horses are the same color. -Proof (by induction): - Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all - horses in that set are the same color. - Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these - horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all - of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you - took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k - horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses - are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all - horses are the same color. -Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. -Proof (by intimidation): - Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It - is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in - back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a - horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is - infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. - However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an - infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different - color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. -% -Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. -% -Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. -% -Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. -% -LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) - Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. - Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on - your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. - Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest - criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your - ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got - a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can - laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. -% -Lesbian QOTD: -I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. -% -Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. -% -Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. - -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" -% -Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a -number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and -another number. - -- James Estes -% -Let me not to the marriage of true minds -Admit impediments. Love is not love -Which alters when it alteration finds, -Or bends with the remover to remove: -O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, -That looks on tempests and is never shaken; -It is the star to every wandering bark, -Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. -Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks -Within his bending sickle's compass come; -Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, -But bears it out even to the edge of doom. -If this be error and upon me proved, -I never writ, nor no man ever loved. -% -Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. -% -Let me take you a button-hole lower. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have -George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing -wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval -of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing -praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) -Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George -in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute -for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped -around his neck. - -- Dave Barry -% -Let no guilty man escape. - -- U.S. Grant -% -Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. -% -Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. - -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) -% -Let sleeping dogs lie. - -- Charles Dickens -% -Let the machine do the dirty work. - -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie -% -Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. - -- James Thurber -% -Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. - -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania -% -Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way -they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. - -- Capone -% -Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Let us go then you and I -while the night is laid out against the sky -like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. - -"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" - -- Ezra -% -Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, -The muttering retreats -Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels -And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: -Streets that follow like a tedious argument -Of insidious intent -To lead you to an overwhelming question... -Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" - -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" -% -Let us live!!! -Let us love!!! -Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! - -You first. -% -Let us never negotiate out of fear, -but let us never fear to negotiate. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Let us not look back in anger or forward -in fear, but around us in awareness. - -- James Thurber -% -Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. -% -Let us treat men and women well; -Treat them as if they were real; -Perhaps they are. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Let your conscience be your guide. - -- Pope -% -L'etat c'est moi. -[The state, that's me.] - -- Louis XIV -% -Let's do it. - -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad -% -Let's just be friends and make no special -effort to ever see each other again. -% -Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every -relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you -really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. -For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities -I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... -Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." - -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn -% -Let's love each other slowly, -reaching for a plane, -of exquisite pleasure, -and delicate pain. - -- Adam Beslove -% -Let's not complicate our relationship -by trying to communicate with each other. -% -Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. -% -Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. - -- Austen Briggs -% -Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your -hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental -Anguish. You would sue: - -* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions - section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand - into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls - in there". - -* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious - cretin like yourself. - -* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this - case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you - a large cash settlement anyway. - -- Dave Barry -% -LEVERAGE: - Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks - about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. -% -Leveraging always beats prototyping. -% -Lewis's Law of Travel: - The first piece of luggage out of the - chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. -% -L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. - -- L. Pasteur -% -LIAR: - A lawyer with a roving commission. -% -Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. - -- Oliver Herford -% -LIBERAL: - Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. -% -Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into -trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. - -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo -% -Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire - for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone - is watching you, so stop staring like that. -% -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) - Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way - to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but - unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out - of bed today. -% -LIE: - A very poor substitute for the truth, - but the only one discovered to date. -% -Lieberman's Law: - Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -% -Lieberman's Law: -Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. -% -Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! - -- Ma Barker -% -LIFE: - A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. -% -LIFE: - Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. -% -LIFE: - That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. -% -Life -- Love It or Leave It. -% -Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. - -- Miss November, 1966 -% -Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. - -- Paul Gauguin -% -Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. -% -Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. -It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. -% -Life exists for no known purpose. -% -Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society -being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible -thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money -system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. - -- Valerie Solanas -% -Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding -environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a -round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. -% -Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way -out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. - -- Woody Allen -% -Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. - -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" -% -Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more -important than something else. If what already is, is more important -than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what -isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. - -- Werner Erhard -% -Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. -% -Life is a glorious cycle of song, -A medley of extemporania; -And love is thing that can never go wrong; -And I am Marie of Roumania. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" -% -Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. - -- Helen Keller -% -Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. -% -Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to -change his bed. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -Life is a series of rude awakenings. - -- R.V. Winkle -% -Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, -humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. -% -Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. -% -Life is an exciting business, and most -exciting when it is lived for others. -% -Life is both difficult and time consuming. -% -Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. -% -Life is difficult because it is non-linear. -% -Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" -% -Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. -% -Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? -% -Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. -% -Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. - -- C. Schultz -% -"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." -% -Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. -% -Life is like a sewer. -What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Life is like a tin of sardines. -We're, all of us, looking for the key. - -- Beyond the Fringe -% -Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- -you can lick it, but it still won't go away. -% -Life is like an onion: you peel it off -one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after -layer and then you find there is nothing in it. - -- James Huneker -% -Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was -going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then -being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. -% -Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're -the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. -% -Life is not for everyone. -% -Life is one long struggle in the dark. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -Life is the childhood of our immortality. - -- Goethe -% -Life is the living you do, -Death is the living you don't do. - -- Joseph Pintauro -% -Life is the urge to ecstasy. -% -Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. -% -Life is too short to be taken seriously. - -- O. Wilde -% -Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. - -- Storm Jameson -% -Life is wasted on the living. - -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. -% -Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" -% -Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. - -- Don Reed -% -Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, -it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. -% -Life only demands from you the strength you possess. -Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. - -- Dag Hammarskjold -% -Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but -certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and -I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can -afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have -absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more -embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). -% -Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. - -- Thomas J. Kopp -% -Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. - -- Sanka Ad -% -Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. - -- Dave Olson -% -Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Life's too short to dance with ugly women. -% -Lift every voice and sing -Till earth and heaven ring, -Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; -Let our rejoicing rise -High as the listening skies, -Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. - -Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. -Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. -Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, -Let us march on till victory is won. - -- James Weldon Johnson -% -Lighten up, while you still can, -Don't even try to understand, -Just find a place to make your stand, -And take it easy. - -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" -% -LIGHTHOUSE: - A tall building on the seashore in which the government - maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. -% -LIKE: - When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. -% -Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate -the difference between one young woman and another. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" -% -Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, -shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm -as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like -bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; -she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a -man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the -right road: a man like Alf Romeo. - -- Rachel Sheeley, winner - -The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never -see her little dog Pritzi again. - -- Claudia Fields, runner-up - -It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a -tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it -was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. - -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up - -Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is -named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy -night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the -worst possible novel. -% -Like corn in a field I cut you down, -I threw the last punch way too hard, -After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, -To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. -And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, -I figured we'd painted too much of this town, -And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, -And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, -I knew then I had lost what should have been found. - And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford - I'm as low as a paid assassin is - You know I'm cold as a hired sword. - I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, - You know I can't think straight no more - You make me feel like a bullet, honey, - a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. - -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" -% -Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille -weren't so damned great! - -- Armistead Maupin -% -Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, -if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not -now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe -like the Rolling Stones? - -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote - attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) -% -Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. -It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches -over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow -His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the -other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their -religions. - -- Benjamin Spock -% -Like punning, programming is a play on words. -% -Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct -a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking -for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - -- Alan McKay -% -Like the time I ran away... -And turned around and you were standing close to me. - -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" -% -Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. -% -Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the -creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their -essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving -the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting -rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. - -- Senior Year Quote -% -Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's -place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: - - Q -- Is there life after death? - A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New -Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", -then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was -fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have -spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful -headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back -to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I -guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long -as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. - -- Dave Barry -% -Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, -wins few friends, Germans excepted. - -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" -% -Limericks are art forms complex, -Their topics run chiefly to sex. - They usually have virgins, - And masculine urgin's, -And other erotic effects. -% -"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" -Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. - -Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: -in it he found that the damned things diverged. - -- Piet Hein -% -Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. - I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! -Snoopy: That's nice to know. - The secret of life is to look good at a distance. -% -Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. - Maybe we should think only about today. -Charlie Brown: - No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday - will get better. -% -Linus' Law: - There is no heavier burden than a great potential. -% -Lions in the street and roaming, -Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, -A beast caged in the heart of the city. -The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, -He fled the town. -Went down south across the border, -Left the chaos and disorder -Back there, over his shoulder. -One morning he awoke in a green hotel, -A strange creature groaning beside him. -Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. -Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. - -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" -% -LISP: - To call a spade a thpade. -% -Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, -Lisp Machine is Fun. -Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, -Fun for everyone. -% -Lisp Users: -Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. -% -Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out -the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, -but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the -right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. -But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of -bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. -This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects -their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing -that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously -just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even -a panacea so alleged. - -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government - been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to - the recession?" -% -Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. -Life is the other way around. - -- David Lodge -% -Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life -is the other way round. - -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" -% -Littering is dumb. - -- Ronald Macdonald -% -Little Fly, -Thy summer's play If thought is life -My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, -Has brush'd away. And the want - Of thought is death, -Am not I -A fly like thee? Then am I -Or art not thou A happy fly -A man like me? If I live - Or if I die. - -For I dance -And drink & sing, -Till some blind hand -Shall brush my wing. - -- William Blake, "The Fly" -% -Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very -sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... -% -Little Known Facts, #23: - Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get - the BMW repair garage? -% -Little Mary on the ice, -Went out to have a frisk, -Now wasn't little Mary nice, -Her pretty *? -% -Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! - -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") -% -Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. - -- James Dean -% -Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! -% -Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. -% -Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is -published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - -- Josh Billings -% -Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when -you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. - -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial -% -Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. -What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. -% -Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. -What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. -% -Living in New York City gives people real incentives -to want things that nobody else wants. - -- Andy Warhol -% -Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat -like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. -% -Living on Earth may be expensive, but it -includes an annual free trip around the Sun. -% -LIVING YOUR LIFE: - A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. -% -Lizzie Borden took an axe, -And plunged it deep into the VAX; -Don't you envy people who -Do all the things YOU want to do? -% -Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are -squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only -proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your -guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. -The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea -floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster -behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, -"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a -scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural -apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may -even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into -the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will -be, too. - -- Dave Barry -% -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish - about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper - method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your - guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're - cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on - the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the - lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty - eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then - flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will - refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will - squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. - Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly - you and your friends will be, too. - -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils - into Excuses and Apologies -% -Lockwood's Long Shot: - The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street - aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. -% -Logic doesn't apply to the real world. - -- Marvin Minsky -% -Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. -% -Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. -% -Logic is a systematic method of coming -to the wrong conclusion with confidence. -% -Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! -% -Logicians have but ill defined -As rational the human kind. -Logic, they say, belongs to man, -But let them prove it if they can. - -- Oliver Goldsmith -% -LOGO for the Dead - -LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from -"The Other Side." - -The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you -turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's -graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this -side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that -your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then -interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program -lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic -Bulletin Board System). - -LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate -from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. - -- '80 Microcomputing -% -Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. -% -Lonely is a man without love. - -- Englebert Humperdinck -% -Lonely men seek companionship. -Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. -% -Lonesome? - -Like a change? -Like a new job? -Like excitement? -Like to meet new and interesting people? - -JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! -% -Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency -be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. -The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" -% -Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. -% -Long life is in store for you. -% -Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and -long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his -pain and his aloneness without regret? - -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" -% -Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. -% -Look afar and see the end from the beginning. -% -Look at it this way: -Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought -home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. -And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? -% -Look at it this way: -Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to -forget $26,000 of college education. -And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? -% -Look before you leap. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Look ere ye leap. - -- John Heywood -% -Look out! Behind you! -% -Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, -con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this -country was built. - -- Hubert Allen -% -Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... - -- Stephen Sondheim -% -Loose bits sink chips. -% -Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. - -- Charles D'Hericault -% -Lord, what fools these mortals be! - -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" -% -Losing your drivers' license is just -God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" -% -Lost: gray and white female cat. -Answers to electric can opener. -% -Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. -% -Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - -- Frank Hubbard -% -Lots of girls can be had for a song. -Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. -% -Louie Louie, me gotta go -Louie Louie, me gotta go - -Fine little girl she waits for me -Me catch the ship for cross the sea -Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea -Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly -(chorus) On the ship I dream she there - I smell the rose in her hair -Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) -It won't be long, me see my love -I take her in my arms and then -Me tell her I never leave again - -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" -% -Louie, Louie, me gotta go -Louie, Louie, me gotta go - -Fine little girl she waits for me -Me catch the ship for cross the sea -Me sail the ship all alone -Me never thinks me make it home - [chorus] - -Three nights and days me sail the sea -Me think of girl constantly -On the ship I dream she there -I smell the rose in her hair - [chorus; guitar solo] - -Me see Jamaica moon above -It won't be long, me see my love -I take her in my arms and then -Me tell her I never leave again - -- the real words to "Louie Louie" -% -LOVE: - I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. -% -LOVE: - Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. -% -LOVE: - When, if asked to choose between your lover - and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. -% -LOVE: - When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. -% -LOVE: - When you don't want someone too close-- - because you're very sensitive to pleasure. -% -LOVE: - When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. -% -Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. -% -Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. -% -Love America - or give it back. -% -Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. -% -Love at first sight is one of the greatest -labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. -% -Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. -Love isn't love 'til you give it away. - -- Oscar Hammerstein II -% -Love is a grave mental disease. - -- Plato -% -Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. - -- Matt Groening -% -Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips -over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. - -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" -% -Love is a word that is constantly heard, -Hate is a word that is not. -Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. -Love, I have read, is hot. -But hate is the verb that to me is superb, -And Love but a drug on the mart. -Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, -But Hating, my boy, is an Art. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and -go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your -arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. -% -Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the -real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - -- Goethe -% -Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. - -- Dr. Karl Bowman -% -Love is being stupid together. - -- Paul Valery -% -Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed -around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a -Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. -% -Love is in the offing. - -- The Homicidal Maniac -% -Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. -% -Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very -pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love -grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning -and unquenchable. - -- Bruce Lee -% -Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - -- Jerome K. Jerome -% -Love is never asking why? -% -Love is not enough, but it sure helps. -% -Love is sentimental measles. -% -Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. -% -Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex -raises some pretty good questions. - -- Woody Allen -% -Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted -pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. - -- M. Hirschfield -% -Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. - -- Saint Exupery -% -Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Love IS what it's cracked up to be. -% -Love is what you've been through with somebody. - -- James Thurber -% -Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. -% -Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. - -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" -% -Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular -momentum. -% -Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. - -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" -% -Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. -% -Love means never having to say you're sorry. - -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" - -That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. - -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" -% -Love means nothing to a tennis player. -% -Love tells us many things that are not so. - -- Krainian Proverb -% -Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. -% -Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. - -- Louise Beal -% -Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. -% -Love to eat them mousies, -Mousies I love to eat. -Bite they little heads off, -Nibble at they tiny feet. - -- Kliban -% -Love to eat them mousies, -Mousies what I love to eat. -Bite they little heads off, -Nibble on they tiny feet. - -- Kliban -% -Love to eat them mousies; -Mousies what I love to eat. -Bite they tiny heads off, -Nibble on they tiny feet! - -- Kilban -% -Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, - seized this one for the fair form - that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. -Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, - seized me so strongly with delight in him, - that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. -Love brought us to one death. - -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 -% -Love your enemies: they'll go crazy -trying to figure out what you're up to. -% -Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Lowery's Law: - If it jams -- force it. If it - breaks, it needed replacing anyway. -% -LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. -% -Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: - There's always one more bug. -% -Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable -British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The -Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture -nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British -don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm -beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. -% -Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. - -- Russell Banks -% -Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. - -- P.E. Trudeau -% -Lucky, adj: - When you have a wife and a cigarette - lighter -- both of which work. -% -Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. -% -Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. - Can't you be serious for once? -Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think - of the more important things in life! - (pause) - Tomorrow!! -% -Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. - -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" -% -LUNATIC ASYLUM: - The place where optimism most flourishes. -% -Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. - -- Bergan Evans -% -Lysistrata had a good idea. -% -Ma Bell is a mean mother! -% -MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. -% -"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." -"What about X?" -"I said `intellectual'." - ;login, 9/1990 -% -Machine-independent program: - A program that will not run on any machine. -% -Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. - -- Andy Warhol -% -Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the -repairman arrives. -% -macho, adj.: - Jogging home from your vasectomy. -% -Macho does not prove mucho. - -- Zsa Zsa Gabor -% -MAD: - Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. -% -Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- -if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Madison's Inquiry: - If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -% -Madness takes its toll. -% -Magary's Principle: - When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any - government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do - the cutting, and the public's services are cut. -% -Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. -% -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. - -Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one -thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a -great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -% -MAGNOCARTIC: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -magnocartic, adj: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping - carts. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -MAGPIE: - A bird whose thievish disposition suggested - to someone that it might be taught to talk. - -- A. Bierce -% -MAIDEN AUNT: - A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." -% -Maiden, n: - A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and - views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical - distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. - The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her - piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to - comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to - the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the - canary -- which, also, is more portable. - -Male, n: - A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the - human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus - has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Maier's Law: - If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 - -Corollaries: - 1. The bigger the theory, the better. - 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than - 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to - obtain a correspondence with the theory. -% -Main's Law: - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. -% -Maintainer's Motto: - If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -% -Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! -Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. -Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! -% -Major premise: - Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. -Minor premise: - A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. -Conclusion: - Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -Secondary Conclusion: - Do you realize how many holes there would be if people - would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? -% -Majorities, of course, start with minorities. - -- Robert Moses -% -MAJORITY: - That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. -% -Make a wish, it might come true. -% -Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. -% -Make it right before you make it faster. -% -Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. - -- Daniel Hudson Burnham -% -Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. -% -Make war not sex. (It's safer.) -% -Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users -tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has -been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the -message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. - -- System V.2 administrator's guide -% -Malek's Law: - Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -% -MALPRACTICE: - The reason surgeons wear masks. -% -MAN: - An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he - is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief - occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, - which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest - the whole habitable earth and Canada. - -- A. Bierce -% -Man and wife make one fool. -% -Man belongs wherever he wants to go. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because -he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while -all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good -time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were -far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. - -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. - -- Fred Allen -% -Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. -% -Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Man is a military animal, -Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. - -- P.J. Bailey -% -Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he -is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- -no dog exchanges bones with another. - -- Adam Smith -% -Man is by nature a political animal. - -- Aristotle -% -Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... -and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Man is the measure of all things. - -- Protagoras -% -Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. - -- Mark Twain -% -Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms -with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 -% -Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; -for he is the only animal that is struck with the -difference between what things are and what they ought to be. - -- William Hazlitt -% -Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. - -- Arthur R. Miller -% -Man proposes, God disposes. - -- Thomas a Kempis -% -Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- -unless it is an enemy. - -- A. Einstein -% -Man who arrives at party two hours late -will find he has been beaten to the punch. -% -Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. -% -Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. -% -Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. -% -Man will never fly. -Space travel is merely a dream. -All aspirin is alike. -% -Management: How many feet do mice have? -Reply: Mice have four feet. -M: Elaborate! -R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. -M: No discussion of fifth appendage! -R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. -M: What? Feet with no legs? -R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. -M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? -R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. -M: Does not fully discuss the issue! -R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg - is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail - is not equipped with a foot. -M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! -R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, - one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would - constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. -M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! -R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined - integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also - attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and - ornamental in nature. -M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! -R: Mice have four feet. -% -MANAGEMENT: - The art of getting other people to do all the work. -% -MANAGER: - A man known for giving great meeting. -% -man-hour, n: - A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. -% -MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: - Easy glum, easy glow. -% -Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. - -- Plotinus -% -Manly's Maxim: - Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion - with confidence. -% -Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. -% -Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? -% -Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual -conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -manual, n: - A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given - item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information - you need in in the others. - -- Ray Simard -% -Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. - -- George M. Cohan -% -Many a family tree needs trimming. -% -Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It -is not so. It is so. It is not so. - -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" -% -Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will -get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. - -- Finley Peter Dunne -% -Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer -can easily support two or more. -% -Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound -except when he can't understand his own meaning. - -- George D. Prentice -% -Many are called, few are chosen. -Fewer still get to do the choosing. -% -Many are called, few volunteer. -% -Many are cold, but few are frozen. -% -Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. -% -Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a -certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the -devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of -their data processing systems. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is -weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and -weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, -but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, -he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. - -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" -% -Many hands make light work. - -- John Heywood -% -Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. -% -Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, -the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their -fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the -Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally -read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time -by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They -are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers -successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations -should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, -while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. - -- Francis Galton, 1909 -% -Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing -tricks on me and treating me badly. - -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur -% -Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their -life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. - -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 -% -Many pages make a thick book. -% -Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very -very thin paper. -% -Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice -which will recommend that they do what they want to do. -% -Many people are secretly interested in life. -% -Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. -% -Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. -% -Many people feel that if you won't let -them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. -% -Many people feel that they deserve some kind of -recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. -% -Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. -% -Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. -% -Many receive advice, few profit by it. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, -there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he -was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how -completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... - -- Walt Kelly -% -Margaret, are you grieving -Over Goldengrove unleaving? -Leaves, like the things of man, -You, with your fresh thoughts -Care for, can you? -Ah! as the heart grows older -It will come to such sights colder -By and by, nor spare a sigh -Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie -And yet you will weep and know why. -Now no matter, child, the name -Sorrow's springs are the same: -It is the blight man was born for, -It is Margaret you mourn for. - -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. -% -Marigold: Jealousy -Mint: Virute -Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness -Orchid: Beauty, magnificence -Pansy: Thoughts -Peach blossom: I am your captive -Petunia: Your presence soothes me -Poppy: Sleep -Rose, any color: Love -Rose, deep red: Bashful shame -Rose, single, pink: Simplicity -Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment -Rose, white: I am worthy of you -Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy -Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love -Rosemary: Rememberance -Sunflower: Haughtiness -Tulip, red: Declaration of love -Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love -Violet, blue: Faithfulness -Violet, white: Modesty -Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends - * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. -% -Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". -% -Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students -who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize -it in order to protect themselves. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: - Dentists are incapable of asking questions - that require a simple yes or no answer. -% -MARRIAGE: - An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply - in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing - that love. In short, commitment to an institution. -% -MARRIAGE: - Convertible bonds. -% -Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of -insincerity possible between two human beings. - -- Vicki Baum -% -Marriage causes dating problems. -% -Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. - -- Edmond About -% -Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. -% -Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm -not ready for an institution yet. - -- Mae West -% -Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be -surprised at the large number that re-enlist. - -- James Garner -% -Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. -% -Marriage is a three ring circus: -engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. - -- Roger Price -% -Marriage is an institution in which two undertake -to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. -% -Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer -exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work -in the brewery. - -- George Jean Nathan -% -Marriage is learning about women the hard way. -% -Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with -chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. -% -Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - -- Baskins -% -Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the -burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - -- Voltaire -% -Marriage is the process of finding out what -kind of man your wife would have preferred. -% -Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. -% -Marriage, n: - The evil aye. -% -Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. - -- John Lyly -% -Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. -% -MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives -connected by a thin strand. - -Come on, Marta, grow up. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most -of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its -territory from invasion by another group." - -"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? -Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. - -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" -% -'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! -What a finely tuned response to the situation! -% -Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, -and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged -Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend -grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" - "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've -named a drink Fred?" -% -Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: - Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. -% -Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, -And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. -It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. -It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. -She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, -And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. -It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. -The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. -The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, -Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. -Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. -So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. - -- Alma Garcia -% -Maryann's Law: - You can always find what you're not looking for. -% -Maslow's Maxim: - If the only tool you have is a hammer, - you treat everything like a nail. -% -Mason's First Law of Synergism: -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. -% -Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. -% -Masturbation is the thinking man's television. - -- Christopher Hampton -% -Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! - -- Monty Python -% -Mater artium necessitas. - [Necessity is the mother of invention]. -% -Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. - -- Malcolm Smith -% -MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! - Please, don't drink and derive. - - Mathematicians - Against - Drunk - Deriving -% -Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. - -- R. Drabek -% -mathematician, n: - Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. -% -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they -translate into their own language and forthwith it is something -entirely different. - -- Goethe -% -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate -into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. - -- Henry Adams -% -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% -Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts -to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what -one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. - -- Russell -% -Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- -a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any -part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, -yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the -greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense -of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is -to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Matrimony is the root of all evil. -% -Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. -% -Matter cannot be created or destroyed, -nor can it be returned without a receipt. -% -Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. -% -[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment -where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand -more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. - -- S. Kierkegaard -% -Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -Matz's Law: - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. -% -May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard -versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. -% -May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts -% -May all your PUSHes be POPped. -% -May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. -% -May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. -% -May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. -% -May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may -God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may -he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. -% -May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. -% -May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. -% -May you have many handsome and obedient sons. -% -May you have warm words on a cold evening, -a full moon on a dark night, -and a smooth road all the way to your door. -% -May you live in uninteresting times. - -- Chinese proverb -% -May your camel be as swift as the wind. -% -May your SO always know when you need a hug. -% -May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your -Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. -% -Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that -lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. - -- Will Rogers -% -Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - -- R.S. Barton -% -Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the -earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. - -- Lazarus Long -% -"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." -% -"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each -other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone -had to seek professional help." -% -Maybe you can't buy happiness, but -these days you can certainly charge it. -% -May's Law: - The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density - of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) -% -McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. -% -McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: - When traveling with a herd of elephants, - don't be the first to lie down and rest. -% -Meader's Law: - Whatever happens to you, it will previously - have happened to everyone you know, only more so. -% -Meade's Maxim: -Always remember that you are absolutely unique, -just like everyone else. -% -Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; -Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. -[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, -AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. -[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye -Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; -Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. -Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. -Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; -Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" -Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp -Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. -"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." -Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson -Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. -Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, -Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." -Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. -% -Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one -has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine -moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging -magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to -have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may -get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem -of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful -oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to -hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise -venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc -bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen -aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the -arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable -of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof -to mouth... -% -Measure twice, cut once. -% -Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. -% -Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. - -- Frederick Crane -% -Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. -% -Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? -% -Meeting: - An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what - person or department not represented in the room must solve the - problem. -% -meeting, n: - An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or - department not represented in the room must solve a problem. -% -MEETINGS: - A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. -% -Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that -corporations and other large organizations habitually engage -in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - -- Dave Barry -% -MEMO: - An interoffice communication too often written more for - the benefit of the person who sends it than the person - who receives it. -% -MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I -remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and -drive and drive. - -I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The -smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we -played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat -some stuff or not and then I think we went home. - -I guess some things never leave you. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Memory fault -- brain fried -% -Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! -% -Memory fault - where am I? -% -Memory should be the starting point of the present. -% -Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. - -- Marilyn Monroe -% -Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice -hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should -never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they -will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average -man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, -through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 -ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT -tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe -ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him -a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. - If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More -than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set -of tires. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Men are superior to women. - -- The Koran -% -Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - -- Jayne Mansfield -% -Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. -They're attracted by what I don't mind... - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. - -- Julius Caesar -% -Men have a much better time of it than women; for one -thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Men have as exaggerated an idea of their -rights as women have of their wrongs. - -- E.W. Howe -% -Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. -% -Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. -% -Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them -pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. - -- Leonardo da Vinci -% -Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. -% -Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or -at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. -% -Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our -pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs -and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, -inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us -sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness -and acts that are contrary to habit... - -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" -% -Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. - -- DeSegur -% -Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. -% -Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. -% -Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte -% -Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, -and speech only to conceal their thoughts. - -- Voltaire -% -Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. -Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split -before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Men who cherish for women the highest -respect are seldom popular with them. - -- Joseph Addison -% -Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: - All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. - -Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: - The quality of a champagne is judged by the - amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. - -Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: - The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. - -Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: - Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that - is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city - can ever hope to acquire it. -% -Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. -% -Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to -corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in -favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. - -- Piers Anthony -% -Mental things which have not gone in through the -senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. - -- Leonardo -% -MENU: - A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. -% -Meskimen's Law: - There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to - do it over. -% -Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... -% -Message will arrive in the mail. -Destroy, before the FBI sees it. -% -METEOROLOGIST: - One who doubts the established fact that it is - bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. -% -Metermaids eat their young. -% -Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. -% -MICRO: - Thinker toys. -% -Micro Credo: - Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -% -Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! -% -Microwaves frizz your heir. -% -Mieux vaut tard que jamais! -% -Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to -get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. - -- Casablanca -% -Miksch's Law: - If a string has one end, then it has another end. -% -Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. -% -Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Miller's Slogan: - Lose a few, lose a few. -% -millihelen, adj: - The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. -% -Millions long for immortality who do not know what -to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - -- Susan Ertz -% -Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is -almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," -they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a -President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their -lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a -stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. -Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the -Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among -the gold and the black. - -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" -% -Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is -particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, -to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. -But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands -shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit -me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. -% -"Mind if I smoke?" - "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" -% -"Mind if I smoke?" - "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" -% -Mind your own business, Spock. -I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. -% -Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. -% -Minicomputer: - A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level - manager. -% -Minnesota -- - home of the blonde hair and blue ears. - mosquito supplier to the free world. - come fall in love with a loon. - where visitors turn blue with envy. - one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. - land of many cultures -- mostly throat. - where the elite meet sleet. - glove it or leave it. - many are cold, but few are frozen. - land of the ski and home of the crazed. - land of 10,000 Petersons. -% -Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. -% -MIPS: - Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed -% -Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. -% -Misery no longer loves company. -Nowadays it insists on it. - -- Russell Baker -% -MISFORTUNE: - The kind of fortune that never misses. -% -Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. -% -MISS: - A title with which we brand unmarried - women to indicate that they are in the market. -% -Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. -% -Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. -% -MIT: - The Georgia Tech of the North -% -Mitchell's Law of Committees: - Any simple problem can be made insoluble - if enough meetings are held to discuss it. -% -mittsquinter, adj: - A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as - if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; -it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. - -- Horace -% -mixed emotions: - Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. - With five empty seats. -% -Mix's Law: - There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. - There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. -% -Mobius strippers never show you their back side. -% -MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) - - Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers -2 cups water 2 cups sugar -2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice - Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine - Cinnamon - -Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break -RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar -and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon -juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously -with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top -crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let -steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust -is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. - -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box -% -Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. - -- P.J. Denning -% -modem, adj: - Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An - unfortunate byproduct of kerning. -% -Moderation in all things. - -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] -% -Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade -themselves that they have a better idea. - -- John Ciardi -% -Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. -% -Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural -function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the -other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the -brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. -Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite -conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it -is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working -assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. -Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot -logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. - -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological - Theory", 1949 -% -MODESTY: - Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. -% -Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending - not to be aware of it. - -- Oliver Herford -% -Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? -Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. -Moe: So? -Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. -% -Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? -Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. -% -Moebius always does it on the same side. -% -Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him -how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. -The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. -% -Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet -in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a -hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of -the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, -but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. -So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all -over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, -the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in -the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he -awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally -woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. - "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. -% -MOLECULE: - The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from - the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a - closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit - of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and - the atom in that it is an ion... -% -Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: - If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review - and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. -% -MOMENTUM: - What you give a person when they are going away. -% -Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? -% -Mom's Law: - When they finally do have to take you to the - hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. -% -MONDAY: - In Christian countries, the day after the football game. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. -% -Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two -things we have. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. -% -Money cannot buy -The fuel of love -but is excellent kindling. - -To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, -Is a keen observer of life, -The word intellectual suggests right away -A man who's untrue to his wife. - -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" -% -Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you -awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. - -- C.B. Luce -% -Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -Money doesn't talk, it swears. - -- Bob Dylan -% -Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Money is its own reward. -% -Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. -% -Money is the root of all wealth. -% -Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. - -- Sir Edmond Stockdale -% -Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. -% -Money may not buy happiness, but it sure -puts you in a great bargaining position. -% -Money will say more in one moment than -the most eloquent lover can in years. -% -Moneyliness is next to Godliness. - -- Andries van Dam -% -Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. - -- H.H. Munro -% -MONOTONY: - Marriage to one woman at a time. -% -MONTANA: - A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. -% -MONTANA: - Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. -% -Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place -in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling -of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. - -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 -% -moon, n: - 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to -hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). -% -Moore's Constant: - Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody - does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. -% -MOPHOBIA: - Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. -% -mophobia, n: - Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. -% -More are taken in by hope than by cunning. - -- Vauvenargues -% -More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. - -- R.S. Surtees -% -More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. -% -More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. -% -MORE SPORTS RESULTS: -The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday -night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians -waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for -the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was -broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted -the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. -At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're -full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. -% -More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path -leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. -Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% -Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly -religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. -One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent -man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery -just once?" - The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, -nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. -I just want to win one little lottery." - "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at -least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" -% -Morton's Law: - If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. -% -Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more -wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... - -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" -% -Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: - Don't worry if it doesn't work right. - If everything did, you'd be out of a job. -% -MOSQUITO: - The state bird of New Jersey. -% -Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. -% -Most folks they like the daytime, - 'cause they like to see the shining sun. -They're up in the morning, - off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. -But when the sun goes down, - and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. - -Now there are two sides to this great big world, - and one of them is always night. -If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, - I guess you're gonna be all right. -Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. - My eyes just can't stand the light. - -'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. - -- Carly Simon -% -Most general statements are false, including this one. - -- Alexander Dumas -% -Most of our lives are about proving something, -either to ourselves or to someone else. -% -Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking -difficulties before we get to them. - -- Dr. Frank Crane -% -...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably -useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, -hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute -and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of -lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from -which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not -speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women -of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution -has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. - -- Alix Kates Shulman -% -Most of your faults are not your fault. -% -Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. -% -Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and -they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment -to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the -moon. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. -% -Most people deserve each other. - -- Shirley -% -Most people don't need a great deal of love -nearly so much as they need a steady supply. -% -Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. - -- E.W. Howe -% -Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. -% -Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained -only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial -quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. - -- W.S. Maugham -% -Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. -% -Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- -a good reason, and the real reason. -% -Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, -at best, reformed or potential lunatics. - -- Susan Sontag -% -Most people need some of their problems -to help take their mind off some of the others. -% -Most people prefer certainty to truth. -% -Most people want either less corruption -or more of a chance to participate in it. -% -Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, -if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. -% -Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. -% -Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. -% -Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who -can't talk for people who can't read. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. -% -Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - -- Richard Lewis -% -MOTHER: - Half a word. -% -Mother Earth is not flat! -% -Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that -there would be so many. -% -Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there -would be so many. -% -Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. -% -Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they -don't want them to become politicians in the process. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) -Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. - -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" -% -Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. -% -MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING -% -Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal -of the day. -% -Mr. Cole's Axiom: - The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the - population is growing. -% -Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from -the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's -shirts but they're going back. -% -Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could -you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! -% -Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your -renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but -at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. -% -Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary -Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free -lessons or what? -% -Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. -When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was -wrong, "Up to a point." - "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? -Yokohama isn't it?" - "Up to a point, Lord Copper." - "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" - "Definitely, Lord Copper." - -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" -% -MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Much of the excitement we get out of our work -is that we don't really know what we are doing. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. -He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. -"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should - be shared." -But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: -First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... -"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" -But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... -"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that - with prawns, -Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." -But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, -His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, -And now he's going to scoff the lot!" -His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." -And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. -and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... -None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. -% -Multics is security spelled sideways. -% -"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, -365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry -Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the -tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes -smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more -than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" -An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be -as much fun to watch. - -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" -% -MUMMY: - An Egyptian who was pressed for time. -% -Mummy dust to make me old; -To shroud my clothes, the black of night; -To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; -To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; -A blast of wind to fan my hate; -A thunderbolt to mix it well -- -Now begin thy magic spell! - -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" -% -Mummy dust to make me old; -To shroud my clothes, the black of night; -To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; -To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; -A blast of wind to fan my hate; -A thunderbolt to mix it well -- -Now begin thy magic spell! - -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" -% -Mum's the word. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. - -- Xaviera Hollander - -[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] -% -Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot -talk about after dinner. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" -% -Murphy was an optimist. -% -Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. -% -Murphy's Law of Research: - Enough research will tend to support your theory. -% -Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% -Murphy's Laws: - (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. - (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. - (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. -% -Murray's Rule: - Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -% -Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. -% -Must I hold a candle to my shames? - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -MUSTGO: - Any item of food that has been sitting in the - refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. - -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" -% -My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, - But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. -Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, - To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. -'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. - -And you know two heads are better than one. -% -My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: - -Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if -they can tell one end of a gun from the other? -% -My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, -The height of its contents to see! -She lit a small match to assist her, -Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. -% -My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms -to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, -only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with -a bulls-eye on the back. - -I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them -said, "So will you." - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -My brain is my second favorite organ. - -- Woody Allen -% -My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo -of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". - -- Steven Wright -% -My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want -It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, - and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. -It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating - decimal points for the sake of precision. -Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, - I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. -It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an - arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. -It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are - over. -Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my - life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. -% -My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty -nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, -instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at -a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at -the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which -turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain -that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were -just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think -of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, -drunk or sober." - -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" -% -"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or -sober." - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -My cup hath runneth'd over with love. -% -My darling wife was always glum. -I drowned her in a cask of rum, -And so made sure that she would stay -In better spirits night and day. -% -My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. -Unless there are three other people. - -- Orson Welles -% -My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. -% -My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, -beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much -is going on. - -- J.F. Kennedy -% -My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. - -- Iphicrates -% -My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose -your ignorance; you cannot replace it." - -- Erich Maria Remarque -% -My father taught me three things: - 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. - 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. - 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. -% -My father was a God-fearing man, but he never -missed a copy of the New York Times, either. - -- E.B. White -% -My father was a saint, I'm not. - -- Indira Gandhi -% -My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce -and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. - -- Senator Hubert Humphrey -% -My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh -Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the -New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors -and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can -somebody think of something to help us win a game?" - "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit -to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, -but they were there to meet the boat. -% -My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so -later I can ask him what he meant. - -- Stephen Wright -% -My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, -but always, always, he was right. -% -My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First -she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go -back and dig her up. -% -"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" -"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." -% -My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times -as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending -mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. -I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it -would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. -% -My, how you've changed since I've changed. -% -My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. -% -My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. -% -My interest is in the future because I am -going to spend the rest of my life there. -% -My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, - And a wild young wood-thing bore him! -The ways are fair to his roaming feet, - And the skies are sunlit for him. -As sharply sweet to my heart he seems - As the fragrance of acacia. -My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- - And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 -% -My love runs by like a day in June, - And he makes no friends of sorrows. -He'll tread his galloping rigadoon - In the pathway or the morrows. -He'll live his days where the sunbeams start - Nor could storm or wind uproot him. -My own dear love, he is all my heart -- - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 -% -My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right -thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -My mind can never know my body, although -it has become quite friendly with my legs. - -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology -% -My mother drinks to forget she drinks. - -- Crazy Jimmy -% -My mother loved children -- she would -have given anything if I had been one. - -- Groucho Marx -% -My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) -"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." -For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. - -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" -% -My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" - -- Sue Murphy -% -My My, hey hey -Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten -It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten -Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust -My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten - -It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my -They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die -And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture -When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye -And into the black - -- Neil Young - "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" -% -My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should -be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. -% -My only love sprung from my only hate! -Too early seen unknown, and known too late! - -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" -% -My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -% -My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - -- O. Wilde -% -My own dear love, he is strong and bold - And he cares not what comes after. -His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, - And his eyes are lit with laughter. -He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. -My own dear love, he is all my world -- - And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 -% -My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, -and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be -reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent -to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not -we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, -slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point -from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now -would be to deny our history, our capabilities. - -- James A. Michener -% -"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. -% -My pen is at the bottom of a page, -Which, being finished, here the story ends; -'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, -But stories somehow lengthen when begun. - -- Byron -% -My philosophy is: Don't think. - -- Charles Manson -% -My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - -- Errol Flynn - -Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. - -- Errol Flynn -% -My rackets are run on strictly American -lines, and they're going to stay that way. - -- A. Capone -% -My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior -spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive -with our frail and feeble mind. - -- Albert Einstein -% -My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I -hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped -in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot -character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off -of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, -Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful -dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants -to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear -in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind --- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new -part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop -right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children -have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen -exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. - -- Dave Barry -% -My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any -reason to limit myself. - -- Emo Philips -% -My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. -She sells C shells by the seashore. -% -My soul is crushed, my spirit sore -I do not like me anymore, -I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, -I ponder on the narrow house -I shudder at the thought of men -I'm due to fall in love again. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" -% -My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - -- Christopher Morley -% -My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. - -- George Gobel -% -My way of joking is to tell the truth. -That's the funniest joke in the world. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. -% -Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. - -- Booth Tarkington -% -mythology, n: - The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, - early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished - from the true accounts which it invents later. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) -is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good -returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. - -So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: - -Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. - "So, how's your daughter?" - "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" - "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" - "Yes, that's my Rachel." - "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married - the doctor?" - "Yes, that's her!" - "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" - "Yes, yes!" - "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" -% -Nachman's Rule: - When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. - -- Gerald Nachman -% -Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. - -- '76 Olympics -% -'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. -Never odd or even. -A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. -Madam, I'm Adam. -Sit on a potato pan, Otis. - -- The Mad Palindromist -% -NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? - Everything he says is wrong. -GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, - and then everything he says will be right. - - -- G.B. Shaw -% -narcolepulacyi, n: - The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight - to also yawn. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said -"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he -goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal -it." -% -Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers -gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I -only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the -stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager -asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, -for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; -he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they -were spoken to. -% -Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve -him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your -shop?" - "Of course." - "Have you ever seen me before?" - "Never." - "Then how do you know it was me?" -% -Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful -than the sun." - "Why?", he was asked. - "Because at night we need the light more." -% -Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. -Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from -his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! -You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" -% -National security is in your hands - guard it well. -% -Natural laws have no pity. -% -Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders -of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to -drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, -or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people -can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you -have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists -for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same -in every country. - -- Hermann Goering -% -Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation -of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the -fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be -creamed? - -- Solomon Short -% -Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% -Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. -% -Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, -God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. - -It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! -Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -% -Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely -given them little. - -- Dr. Samuel Johnson -% -Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, -it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be -tolerated until they acquire some sense. - -- William Phelps -% -Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, -And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. -As on the land while here the ocean gains, -In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; -Thus in the soul while memory prevails, -The solid power of understanding fails; -Where beams of warm imagination play, -The memory's soft figures melt away. - -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) -% -Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. - -- Francis Bacon -% -Near the Studio Jean Cocteau -On the Rue des Ecoles -lived an old man -with a blind dog -Every evening I would see him -guiding the dog along -the sidewalk, keeping -a firm grip on the leash -so that the dog wouldn't -run into a passerby -Sometimes the dog would stop -and look up at the sky -Once the old man -noticed me watching the dog -and he said, "Oh, yes, -this one knows -when the moon is out, -he can feel it on his face" - -- Barry Gifford -% -Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you -want to test a man's character, give him power. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I -have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. - -- Brent Welch -% -Necessity has no law. - -- St. Augustine -% -Necessity hath no law. - -- Oliver Cromwell -% -Necessity is a mother. -% -"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity -is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. -It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. - -- William Pitt, 1783 -% -Neckties strangle clear thinking. - -- Lin Yutang -% -Needs are a function of what other people have. -% -Negative expectations yield negative results. -Positive expectations yield negative results. -% -Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. - -- Napoleon -% -Neil Armstrong tripped. -% -Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. -% -Nemo me impune lacessit - [No one provokes me with impunity] - -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland -% -nerd pack, n: - Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling - clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be - measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling - in his pack. -% -Neuroses are red, - Melancholia's blue. -I'm schizophrenic, - What are you? -% -Neurotics build castles in the sky, -Psychotics live in them, -And psychiatrists collect the rent. -% -Neutrinos are into physicists. -% -Neutrinos have bad breadth. -% -neutron bomb, n: - An explosive device of limited military value because, as - it only destroys people without destroying property, it - must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. -% -Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. - -- Linda Festa -% -Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. -Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. -% -Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. -% -Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. -% -Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. -% -Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss -the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. -% -Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. - -- Anonymous -% -Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. -% -Never buy from a rich salesman. - -- Goldenstern -% -Never buy what you do not want -because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. -% -Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. -% -Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. -% -Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. -% -Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled -with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change -into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the -window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) -% -Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. -% -Never eat anything bigger than your head. -% -Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. -And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. - -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" -% -Never eat more than you can lift. - -- Miss Piggy -% -Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're -absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. -% -Never explain. Your friends do not need it -and your enemies will never believe you anyway. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. - -- Marlo Thomas -% -Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. -% -Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. -% -Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. -% -Never give an inch! -% -Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" -% -Never have children, only grandchildren. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Never have so many understood so little about so much. - -- James Burke -% -Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. -% -Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. -% -Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. - -- Billy Rose -% -Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -Never kick a man, unless he's down. -% -Never laugh at live dragons. - -- Bilbo Baggins -% -Never leave anything to chance; -make sure all your crimes are premeditated. -% -Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -Never let someone who says it cannot be done -interrupt the person who is doing it. -% -Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" -% -Never look a gift horse in the mouth. - -- Saint Jerome -% -Never look up when dragons fly overhead. -% -Never make anything simple and efficient when a -way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -% -Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 -% -Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. -% -Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. -% -Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". -% -Never promise more than you can perform. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - -- D. Gries -% -Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. -% -Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. -% -Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection -unprotected. - -- Robert Orben -% -Never reveal your best argument. -% -Never say "Oops" in an operating room. -% -Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. -% -Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - -- Nelson Algren -% -Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on -that subject. - -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand -% -NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. -% -Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks -in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm -tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay -On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to -do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. -% -Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - -- Steinbach -% -Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. -% -Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. -% -Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. - -- John Dillinger -% -Never trust an operating system. -% -Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. -% -Never trust anyone who says money is no object. -% -Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain -sex to a virgin. - -- Robert Heinlein - -(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) -% -Never try to outstubborn a cat. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Never try to teach a pig to sing. -It wastes your time and annoys the pig. -% -Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -% -Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -% -Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where -there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. -% -Never volunteer for anything. - -- Lackland -% -Never worry about theory as long as the -machinery does what it's supposed to do. - -- R.A. Heinlein -% -new, adj: - Different color from previous model. -% -New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. -% -New England Life, of course. Why? -% -New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? -% -New members are urgently needed in the Society -for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. -% -New release: - Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting - time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this - rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. -% -New systems generate new problems. -% -New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his -age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% -New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around -whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - -- David Letterman -% -New York-- to that tall skyline I come -Flyin' in from London to your door -New York-- lookin' down on Central Park -Where they say you should not wander after dark. -New York. - -- Simon and Garfunkel -% -New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. -% -Newlan's Truism: - An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the - government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. -% -Newman's Discovery: - Your best dreams may not come true; - fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. -% -Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then -print the chaff. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -NEWS FLASH!! - Today the East German pole-vault champion - became the West German pole-vault champion. -% -news: gotcha -% -NEWSFLASH!! - Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at -1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. -It was. Age 31. -% -Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. -% -Next Friday will not be your lucky day. -As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. -% -Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -Nice guys don't finish nice. -% -Nice guys finish last. - -- Leo Durocher -% -Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. - -- Evan Davis -% -Nice guys get sick. -% -Nick the Greek's Law of Life: - All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. -% -Nietzsche is pietzsche. -% -Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. -% -Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. -God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. - -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" -% -Nihilism should commence with oneself. -% -Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his -name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into -(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, -but Americans call him by value. -% -Nine megs for the secretaries fair, -Seven megs for the hackers scarce, -Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, -Three megs for system source; - -One disk to rule them all, -One disk to bind them, -One disk to hold the files -And in the darkness grind 'em. -% -Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes -And tapes without any tracks; -Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes -And tapes mixed up on the racks -- - Take hold of the tape - And pull off the strip, - And then you'll be sure - Your tape drive will skip. - - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they -would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect -that much. - -- Augustine -% -Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: - The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of - the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. -% -Nirvana? That's the place where the powers -that be and their friends hang out. - -- Zonker Harris -% -Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing -else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow -the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. - -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" -% -No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. - -- Aesop -% -No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. -% -No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. -% -No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. - -- William Blake -% -no brainer: - A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, - is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. -% -No character, however upright, is a match for -constantly reiterated attacks, however false. - -- Alexander Hamilton -% -No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. - -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about - film rights to "Gone With the Wind". - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -No directory. -% -No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon -lectures which are really worth the attending. - -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" -% -No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself -on the grounds that it was human nature. -% -No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' - -- Dr. Who -% -No evil can happen to a good man. - -- Plato -% -No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. - -- Aristotle -% -No extensible language will be universal. - -- T. Cheatham -% -No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; -no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. - -- Landor -% -No good deed goes unpunished. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% -No group of professionals meets except to -conspire against the public at large. - -- Mark Twain -% -No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that -he will not become a nuisance after three days. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -No guts, no glory. -% -No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware -until three software guys have signed off for it. - -- Andy Tanenbaum -% -No, his mind is not for rent -To any god or government. -Always hopeful, yet discontent, -He knows changes aren't permanent - -But change is. -% -No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. -% -No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. -It should be of the hill, belonging to it. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -No, I don't have a drinking problem. -I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! -% -No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is -just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone -and Telegraph Company. - -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking - machine, 1943. -% -No is no negative in a woman's mouth. - -- Sidney -% -"No job too big; no fee too big!" - -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" -% -No line available at 300 baud. -% -No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of -absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. -Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness -within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. -Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and -doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone -of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. - -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" -% -no maintenance: - Impossible to fix. -% -No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost -interest in hair restorers. - -- Austin O'Malley -% -No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating -one peanut. - -- Channing Pollock -% -No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the -Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, -Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if -a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes -me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know -for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. - -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" -% -No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. -% -No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. -% -No man is useless who has a friend, -and if we are loved we are indispensable. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. - -- E.W. Howe -% -No man's ambition has a right to stand in -the way of performing a simple act of justice. - -- John Altgeld -% -No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher -than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. - -- Lenin, 1918 -% -No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night -with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. -But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification -in the afternoons. - -- Salvador Dali -% -No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. -% -No matter how much you do you never do enough. -% -No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for -signs of improvement. - -- Florida Scott-Maxwell -% -No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously -cramp his style. -% -No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. -% -No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". -% -No matter who you are, some scholar can show you -the great idea you had was had by someone before you. -% -No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, -th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. - -- Mr. Dooley -% -No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an -unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it -all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly -the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these -republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it -ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under -every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. - -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 -% -No one becomes depraved in a moment. - -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis -% -No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. -% -No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a -dirty little beast. - -- W.S. Gilbert -% -No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% -No one can put you down without your full cooperation. -% -No one gets sick on Wednesdays. -% -No one knows like a woman how to say -things that are at once gentle and deep. - -- Hugo -% -No one knows what he can do till he tries. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the -one who's giving it. - -- Hal Chadwick -% -NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS - -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 -% -No pig should go sky diving during monsoon -For this isn't really the norm. -But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, -So what? Any pork in a storm. - -No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, -It's risky enough when the weather is fine. -But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar -Cast even more perils before swine. -% -No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- -He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. -Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame -And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. - (refrain) -Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails -And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. -All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff -But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" - (refrain) -Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. -The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. -A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, -But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! - (refrain) -Refrain: - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. -% -No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of -them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe -their wish has been granted. - -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" -% -No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. -% -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. -% -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - -- C. Schulz -% -No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. -% -"No program is perfect," -They said with a shrug. -"The customer's happy-- -What's one little bug?" - -But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, -The others went home. As year followed year. -He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, -Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" - -Night passed into morning. He died at the console -The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst -With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried -"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. - -Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears -Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. -"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, -"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." - -- The Perfect Programmer -% -No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied -occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an -indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence -different from the one identified by the given indication as an -indication-applied occurrence. - -- ALGOL 68 Report -% -No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. -% -No rock so hard but that a little wave -May beat admission in a thousand years. - -- Tennyson -% -No self-made man ever did such a good job -that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -No skis take rocks like rental skis! -% -No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary -for that purpose to keep awake all day. - -- Nietzsche -% -No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. -% -No sooner had Edger Allen Poe -Finished his old Raven, -then he started his Old Crow. -% -No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -No spitting on the Bus! -Thank you, The Management. -% -No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. - -- Richard Nixon -% -No two persons ever read the same book. - -- Edmund Wilson -% -No use getting too involved in life -- -you're only here for a limited time. -% -No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether -she will or will not be a mother. - -- Margaret H. Sanger -% -No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. - -- Lord Thomas Dewar -% -No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of -him than he deserves. - -- Edgar Watson Howe -% -No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. -Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! -% -No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. -% -No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. -% -Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in -fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they -moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely -useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since -she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had -moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to -him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He -reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled -some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and -threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the -old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they -had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of -paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There -was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where -he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner -and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the -young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." - The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the -story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't -quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, -however, was pretty close to what actually happened... - -- Richard Harter -% -Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. -% -Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. -% -Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. -% -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. -% -Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel -limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good -if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We -shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; -that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. -It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. - -- Liv Ullman -% -Nobody knows the trouble I've been. -% -Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. - -- Roy Harper -% -Nobody loves me, -Everybody hates me, -I think I'll go out and eat worms. -I'm gonna cut their heads off, -Eat their insides out, -And throw way the skins. -Big, fat, juicy ones, -Little, skinny, cute ones, -Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. -% -Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. -And then it's too late. -% -Nobody shot me. - -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police - who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint - Valentine's Day Massacre. - -Only Capone kills like that. - -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre - -The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. - -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre -% -Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order -for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of -their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. - -- Lewis Lapham -% -Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our -your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's -different. - -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. - O'Brien, instructions to the force. -% -Nobody wants constructive criticism. -It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. -% -Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start -coming in late and lying about it. -% -nohup rm -fr /& -% -Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has -merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. - -- Mark Twain -% -nolo contendere: - A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do - it again." -% -nominal egg: - New Yorkerese for expensive. -% -Noncombatant: - A dead Quaker. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. - -- M.J. 0'Donnell -% -Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. -% -None love the bearer of bad news. - -- Sophocles -% -None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary -to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one -ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a -job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing -forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient -he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a -state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the -"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. - -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" -% -Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. - -- Heisenberg -% -Nonsense and beauty have close connections. - -- E.M. Forster -% -Noone ever built a statue to a critic. -% -No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good -intentions. He had money as well. - -- Margaret Thatcher -% -Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. - -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter - -Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? -Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. - -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's - -Coach: How's life, Norm? -Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. - -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants -% -Norm: Hey, everybody. -All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] -Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] - Norm! (Norman.) - How are you feeling today, Norm? - Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. - -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash - -Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. - Film at eleven. - -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar - -Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. - -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone -% -[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] - -Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? -Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. - -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest - -Coach: What's up, Normie? -Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. - -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) - -Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? -Norm: Going down? - -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom -% -[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] - -Off-screen crowd: Norm! -Sam: How the hell do they know him here? -Cliff: He's got a life, you know. - -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity - -Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Elope with my wife. - -- Cheers, The Triangle - -Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. - -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? -% -[Norm is angry.] - -Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. - -- Cheers, The Triangle - -Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? -Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, - and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. - -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle - -Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? -Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. - -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day -% -[Norm returns from the hospital.] - -Coach: What's up, Norm? -Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. - -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom - -Sam: What's new, Normie? -Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. - They're demanding beer. - -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter - -Coach: What'll it be, Normie? -Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. - -- Cheers, King of the Hill -% -[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] -Norm: Afternoon, everybody! -All: Anton! - -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm - -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' - -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible - -Sam: What can I get you, Norm? -Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. - Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. - -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd -% -Normal times may possibly be over forever. -% -Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other -reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, -although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed -their courses. - -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" -% -Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. -% -Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. -% -Not all men who drink are poets. -Some of us drink because we aren't poets. -% -Not all who own a harp are harpers. - -- Marcus Terentius Varro -% -Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't -make you live longer -- it just seems that way. -% -Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to -the capitalist mode of production. - -- Herbert Marcuse -% -Not every question deserves an answer. -% -Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. -% -Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the -Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats -in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the -moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, -a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every -respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside -it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, -then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they -chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is -ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. - -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University - -I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. - -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. -% -Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. - -- Rob Pike -% -Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a -serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. - -- Spinoza -% -NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. -All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes -all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these -features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system -abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark -attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, -local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, -invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction -surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive -electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated -chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, -premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant -uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, -and/or frogs falling from the sky. -% -Note to myself: use real bullets next time. -% -Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of -wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is -astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- -unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful -not to make any poultry jokes. - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Nothing can be done in one trip. - -- Snider -% -Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. -% -Nothing endures but change. - -- Heraclitus - [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] -% -Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a -proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. - -- John Keats -% -Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. - -- Winston Churchill - -Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as -satisfying as an income tax refund. - -- F.J. Raymond -% -Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. -% -Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. -% -Nothing is as simple as it seems at first - Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle - Or as finished as it seems in the end. -% -Nothing is but what is not. -% -Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. -% -Nothing is faster than the speed of light. - -To prove this to yourself, try opening the -refrigerator door before the light comes on. -% -Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. -% -Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. - -- Andrew Young -% -Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. - -- A.H. Weiler -% -Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which -millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. - -- Nero Wolfe -% -Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. -% -Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. -She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. - -- Michel de Montaigne -% -Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. - -- Ebner-Eschenbach -% -Nothing lasts forever. -Where do I find nothing? -% -Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. -% -Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. -Conscience makes egotists of us all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. - -- Arthur Balfour -% -Nothing motivates a man more than to -see his boss put in an honest day's work. -% -Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely -repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because -the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult -which can be offered to a personality. - -- Soren Kierkegaard -% -Nothing recedes like success. - -- Walter Winchell -% -Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at -which the hearer is permitted to laugh. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. - -- Mark Twain -% -Nothing succeeds like excess. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Nothing succeeds like success. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% -Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. - -- Christopher Lascl -% -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - -- Charlie Brown -% -Nothing that's forced can ever be right, -If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. -That's what she said as she turned out the light, -And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, -Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars -She got from trying to fight -Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. -[...] -Well nothing that's real is ever for free -And you just have to pay for it sometime. -She said it before, she said it to me, -I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, -But the same old four imaginary walls -She'd built for livin' inside -I said oh, you just can't mean it. -[...] -Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, -If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. -That's what she said as she turned out the light, -And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, -But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost -The veil that covered her eyes, -I said oh, you can leave it. - -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" -% -Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -Nothing will ever be attempted -if all possible objections must be first overcome. - -- Dr. Johnson -% -NOTICE: - Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will - be summarily put out. -% -NOTICE: - --- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- - -(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) -% -Nouvelle cuisine, n: - French for "not enough food". - -Continental breakfast, n: - English for "not enough food". - -Tapas, n: - Spanish for "not enough food". - -Dim Sum, n: - Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. -% -November: - The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -% -Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: - - When comes the revolution, things will be different -- - not better, just different. -% -Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. -% -Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; -Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" -% -Now I lay me back to sleep. -The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. -If he should stop before I wake, -Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. - -- Anonymous -% -Now I lay me down to sleep -I pray the double lock will keep; -May no brick through the window break, -And, no one rob me till I awake. -% -Now I lay me down to sleep, -I pray the Lord my soul to keep, -If I should die before I wake, -I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" -% -Now I lay me down to study, -I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. -And if I fail to learn this junk, -I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. -But if I do, don't pity me at all, -Just lay my bones in the study hall. -Tell my teacher I've done my best, -Then pile my books upon my chest. -% -Now is the time for all good men to come to. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Now is the time for drinking; -now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Now it's time to say goodbye -To all our company... -M-I-C (see you next week!) -K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) -M-O-U-S-E. -% -Now of my threescore years and ten, -Twenty will not come again, -And take from seventy springs a score, -It leaves me only fifty more. - -And since to look at things in bloom -Fifty springs are little room, -About the woodlands I will go -To see the cherry hung with snow. - -- A.E. Housman -% -Now that day wearies me, -My yearning desire -Will receive more kindly, -Like a tired child, the starry night. - -Hands, leave off your deeds, -Mind, forget all thoughts; -All of my forces -Yearn only to sink into sleep. - -And my soul, unguarded, -Would soar on widespread wings, -To live in night's magical sphere -More profoundly, more variously. - -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" -% -Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time -some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug -her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee -cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: - -1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? -2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich - exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? -3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... - without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the - occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make - you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) - -That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. -% -Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called -Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that -were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... -% -Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," -or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." - -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. -% -Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: -you can win or you can lose or it can rain. - -- Casey Stengel -% -Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it -over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, -the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall -public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children -emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who -befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then -melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, -because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other -reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? -Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive -reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as -if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a -tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, -you should shop quickly. - -- Dave Barry -% -Nowlan's Theory: - He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from - the next freeway exit. -% -Now's the time to have some big ideas -Now's the time to make some firm decisions -We saw the Buddha in a bar down south -Talking politics and nuclear fission -We see him and he's all washed up -- -Moving on into the body of a beetle -Getting ready for a long long crawl -He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... - -Death and Money make their point once more -In the shape of Philosophical assassins -Mark and Danny take the bus uptown -Deadly angels for reality and passion -Have the courage of the here and now -Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas -When you think you got it paid in full -You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... - We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. - We know his name and he mustn't get away. - We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. - It would take one shot -- to blow him away... - -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" -% -Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. - -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, - manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York - Times, June 10, 1955. -% -[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - -- Edwin Meese III -% -Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of -normal routines, for children and adults alike. - -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" -% -Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. -% -Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. -% -Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. -% -(null cookie; hope that's ok) -% -Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. - -- Seneca -% -Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. -% -Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. -Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. -Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? -Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. -% -Nusbaum's Rule: - The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the - organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the - Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted - to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) -% -O! If I were a fish -I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. -Yes, that's my one and only wish -- -To be a fish! - -For fish don't ever mish; -They needn't flush after they pish! -Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, -For all the fish!!! -% -O give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -Where the deer and the antelope play, -Where seldom is heard -A discouraging word, -'Cause what can an antelope say? -% -O imitators, you slavish herd! - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -O, it is excellent -To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous -To use it like a giant. - -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 -% -O Lord, grant that we may always be right, -for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. -% -O love, could thou and I with fate conspire -To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, -Might we not smash it to bits -And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? - -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald -% -Oatmeal raisin. -% -Objects are lost only because people -look where they are not rather than where they are. -% -O'Brian's Law: - Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. -% -O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the -thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. - "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" - "Four." - "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- - then how many?" - "Four." - The word ended in a gasp of pain. - -- George Orwell -% -Observe yon plumed biped fine. -To activate its captivation, -Deposit on its termination, -A quantity of particles saline. -% -Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. -% -"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." - -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, - 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view - of the grandstands. -% -Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. -% -OCCAM'S ERASER: - The philosophical principle that even the simplest - solution is bound to have something wrong with it. -% -OCCIDENT: - The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is - largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the - Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, - which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, - are the principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -OCEAN: - A body of water occupying about two-thirds - of a world made for man -- who has no gills. -% -Odets, where is thy sting? - -- George S. Kaufman -% -Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. -% -Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: -to know so much and have control over nothing. - -- Herodotus -% -Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - -- Plato -% -Of all the words of witch's doom -There's none so bad as which and whom. -The man who kills both which and whom -Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Of all things man is the measure. - -- Protagoras -% -Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between -husband and wife. -% -Of course it's possible to love a human being -if you don't know them too well. - -- Charles Bukowski -% -Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power -tools aren't soluble in alcohol... - -- Crazy Nigel -% -Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. -% -Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. -After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. -% -Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. -% -Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of -TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. -% -Office Automation: - The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office - by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. -% -Official Project Stages: - 1. Uncritical Acceptance - 2. Wild Enthusiasm - 3. Dejected Disillusionment - 4. Total Confusion - 5. Search for the Guilty - 6. Punishment of the Innocent - 7. Promotion of the Non-participants -% -Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses -lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. -% -Often things ARE as bad as they seem! -% -Ogden's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -% -Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! -% -Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? - -- Pink Floyd -% -Oh don't the days seem lank and long -When all goes right and none goes wrong, -And isn't your life extremely flat -With nothing whatever to grumble at! -% -Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? -They're burning our streets and beating me blue. -"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: -Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." - -Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, -I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. -"Now listen my son, although you're confused, -Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." - -Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. -What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? -"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. -Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." - -Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? -Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? -"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: -Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." -% -Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me -As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. -Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, -And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, -Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, - see if I don't. - -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz -% -Oh, give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. -% -Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus - Where the three-body problem is solved, - Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, - And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) -We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, - Our ball bearings are perfectly round. - Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, - And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) -If we run out of space for our burgeoning race - No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch - When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, - If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) -I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, - And living up here is a bore. - Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye - 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) - -CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, - Where the space debris always collects, - We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: - Solar power and zero-gee sex. - -- to Home on the Range -% -Oh give me your pity! -I'm on a committee, We attend and amend -Which means that from morning And contend and defend - to night, Without a conclusion in sight. - -We confer and concur, -We defer and demur, We revise the agenda -And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda - And consider a load of reports. - -We compose and propose, -We suppose and oppose, But though various notions -And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, - There's terribly little gets done. - -We resolve and absolve; -But we never dissolve, -Since it's out of the question for us -To bring our committee -To end like this ditty, -Which stops with a period, thus. - -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" -% -"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the -dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time -and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, -you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the -ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he -wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning -last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and -buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. -He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth -and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for -their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for -another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa -said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't -know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." - -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" -% -Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay - I muck with indices and structs all day -And when it works, I shout hoo-ray - Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay -% -Oh, I am just a typical American boy -From a typical American town. -I believe in God and Senator Dodd -And keeping old Castro down. -And when it came my time to serve -I knew better dead than red, -But when I got to my old draft board, -Buddy this is what I said: - -Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen -And I always carry a purse; -I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat -And my asthma's getting worse. -Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear -And my poor old invalid aunt; -Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school -And I'm working in a defense plant. - -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" -% -Oh, I could while away the hours, -Smoking herbs and flowers, -Shooting up my veins, - De-dum, De-dum, De-dum -Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' -I could drive a shiny Lincoln, -If I dealt in good cocaine. - -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" -% -Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd -be irresponsible, too. - -- Lichty & Wagner -% -Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, -And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; -Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth -Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things -You have not dreamed of -- -Wheeled and soared and swung -High in the sunlit silence. -Hovering there -I've chased the shouting wind along and flung -My eager craft through footless halls of air. -Up, up along delirious, burning blue -I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, -Where never lark, or even eagle flew; -And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod -The high untrespassed sanctity of space, -Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. - -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" -% -Oh I'm just a typical American boy -From a typical American town. -I believe in God and Senator Dodd -And keeping old Castro down. -And when it came my time to serve -I knew "Better Dead Than Red", -But when I got to my old draft board, -Buddy, this is what I said: - -Chorus: - Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, - And I always carry a purse! - I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, - And my asthma's getting worse! - Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, - And my poor old invalid aunt! - Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school - And I'm a-working in a defense plant! - -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" -% -Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? -My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? -Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: -To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! -% -Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one -arch-enemy -- and that is life. - -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" -% -Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- -it's what you do with what you have left. - -- Hubert H. Humphrey -% -Oh, so there you are! -% -Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. -He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. -No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. -He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! - -- The Smothers Brothers -% -Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -Oh wearisome condition of humanity! -Born under one law, to another bound. - -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke -% -Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. -% -Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. - -- Shakespeare -% -Oh, when I was in love with you, - Then I was clean and brave, -And miles around the wonder grew - How well did I behave. - -And now the fancy passes by, - And nothing will remain, -And miles around they'll say that I - Am quite myself again. - -- A.E. Housman -% -Oh, wow! Look at the moon! -% -Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or -you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray -J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or -you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... -% -Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. -% -Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. - -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" -% -O.K., fine. -% -Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked -just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the -executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in -the code over again, since I also removed the source. -% -Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. -% -Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. - -- B. Baruch -% -Old age is the harbor of all ills. - -- Bion -% -Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. - -- Trotsky -% -Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. -% -Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. -% -Old Japanese proverb: - There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, -and those who climb it twice. -% -Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. -% -Old mail has arrived. -% -Old men are fond of giving good advice to console -themselves for their inability to set a bad example. - -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" -% -Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard -To fetch her poor daughter a dress. -When she got there, the cupboard was bare -And so was her daughter, I guess... -% -Old musicians never die, they just decompose. -% -Old programmers never die, they just become managers. -% -Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. -% -Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. -% -Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. -% -Old timer, n: - One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. -% -Oliver's Law: - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -% -omnibiblious, adj.: - Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. - I'm omnibiblious." -% -On a clear day, U.C.L.A. -% -On a clear disk you can seek forever. - -- P. Denning -% -On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: - -"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." - -- Wolfgang Pauli -% -On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on -a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. - -[One is always a little afraid of love, but -above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] -% -On ability: - A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; - a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD -% -On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- Will Rogers -% -On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one -car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of -the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. - "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let -you come any closer." - "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man -explained. - "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a -decapitation." - The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and -pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" - "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much -taller." -% -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the -proposition that all men are created jerks. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the -same moment -- halftime. -% -On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. -% -On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little -girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and -Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, -and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without -a purpose, but never without a POINT. -% -On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. - -- W.C. Fields' epitaph -% -On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. -Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers -come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of -ideas that could provoke such a question. - -- Charles Babbage -% -Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, -and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" -% -Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Once, adv.: Enough. -% -Once again dread deed is done. -Canon sleeps, -his all-knowing eye shaded -to human chance and circumstance. -Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, -but Canon's sleep is troubled. - -Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. -Impatient hands wait eagerly -to grasp, to hold -scant moments of time -wrested from life in the full -glory of Canon's power; -held captive by his unblinking eye. - -Three golden orbs stand watch; -one each to toll the day, hour, minute -until predestiny decrees his reawakening. -When that feared moment arrives, -"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, -It tolls for thee." - -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine - Valley Pawn Shop today" -% -Once Again From the Top - -Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously -reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman -in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and -lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular -homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that -he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on -George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published -inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the -lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with -vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. -The Herald regrets the errors." - -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 -% -Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each -of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and -went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing -each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" -or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -... - Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you -with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers -have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and -they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your -children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; -that ought to shut them up. - -- Dave Barry -% -Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, -that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli -replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your -mistress". -% -Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. - -- Homer -% -Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his -roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the -forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind -the railroad yards." - -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, - counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution - law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. -% -Once I finally figured out all of life's -answers, they changed the questions. -% -Once, I read that a man be never stronger -than when he truly realizes how weak he is. - -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" -% -Once is happenstance, -Twice is coincidence, -Three times is enemy action. - -- Auric Goldfinger -% -Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to -sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. -% -Once Law was sitting on the bench - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. -"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. -Upon your knees if you appear, -'Tis plain you have no standing here." - -Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" -"Amica curiae," she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." -"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- -I never saw your face before!" -% -Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings -infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can -grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it -possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. - -- Rainer Rilke -% -Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. - -- H.R. Haldeman -% -Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, -And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, -And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, -He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) -And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, -He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, -And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! - And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! -And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, -And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, -The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, -But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! -Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, -And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, -But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", - And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! -When the day is done and the moon comes out, -And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, -When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, -And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, -You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, - Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! -% -Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during -a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin -parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, -to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the -end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the -page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more -inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he -was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; -the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. -% -Once upon a time there... -% -Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants -were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was -to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If -the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would -just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family -of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful -sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable -possession. And the moral of the story is: - -The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that -hit you. -% -Once upon this midnight incoherent, -While you pondered sentient and crystalline, -Over many a broken and subordinate -Volume of gnarly lore, -While I pestered, nearly singing, -Suddenly there came a hewing, -As of someone profusely skulking, -Skulking at my chamber door. -% -Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. -% -Once you've tried to change the world you find -it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. -% -"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". -% -One Bell System - it sometimes works. -% -One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! -% -One Bell System - it works. -% -One big pile is better than two little piles. - -- Arlo Guthrie -% -One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. - -- Helen Keller -% -One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the -mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. - -- J. Gustav White -% -One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing -how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -% -One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. -% -One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast -to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, -a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also -just stupid. - -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" -% -One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his -attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. - "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For -releasing me I will grant you three wishes." - The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan -resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish -border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." - "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" - "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the -Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, -and march back home." - "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" - "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" - "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march -to Poland three times and never invade?" - The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." -% -One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were -flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane -developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three -parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of -the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers -revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then -Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the -world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if -you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that -there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope -looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive -life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's -very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan -just jumped out with my knapsack." -% -One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the -truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, -"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question -which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the -guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative -is death by hanging." - "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." - "I don't believe you." - "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" - "But that would make it the truth!" - "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." -% -One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and -decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a -mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some -way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could -make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks -this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. - A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any -success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, -actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but -there a number of details to be figured out. - After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, -looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have -some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right -track." - At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by -pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his -eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing -the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from -behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO -IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! -And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple -harmonic motion..." -% -One day, -A mad meta-poet, -With nothing to say, -Wrote a mad meta-poem -That started: "One day, -A mad meta-poet, -With nothing to say, -Wrote a mad meta-poem -That started: "One day, -[...] -sort of close". -Were the words that the poet, -Finally chose, -To bring his mad poem, -To some sort of close". -Were the words that the poet, -Finally chose, -To bring his mad poem, -To some sort of close". -% -One difference between a man and a machine -is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. -% -One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. - -- Larry Gelbart -% -One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick -Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car -conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the -merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see -his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. - Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her -full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has -been havin' all these years." - Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary -Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is -totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the -drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and -passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact -with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. - Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her -head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these -years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." -% -One expresses well the love he does not feel. - -- J.A. Karr -% -One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. -% -One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. - -- George Herbert -% -One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. -Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, -a rivalry of aim. - -- Henry Brook Adams -% -One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" -% -One good reason why computers can do more work than -people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. -% -One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. -% -One good thing about music, -Well, it helps you feel no pain. -So hit me with music; -Hit me with music now. - -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" -% -One good turn asketh another. - -- John Heywood -% -One good turn deserves another. - -- Gaius Petronius -% -One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. -% -One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines -and end up with the atomic bomb. - -- Marcel Pagnol -% -One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. - -- Confucius -% -One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. - -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) -% -One is often kept in the right road by a rut. - -- Gustave Droz -% -ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in -ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. -% -One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. -% -One man's constant is another man's variable. - -- A.J. Perlis -% -One man's folly is another man's wife. - -- Helen Rowland -% -One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. -"Supernatural" is a null word. -% -One man's Mede is another man's Persian. - -- George M. Cohan -% -One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -% -One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends -can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. -% -One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens -without laughing. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. -% -One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. -% -One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from -one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 -percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, -simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, -nobody can touch him. - -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 -% -One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an -advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from -mathematics. - -- N. Wiener -% -One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old -enough to give you presents they make at school. - -- Robert Byrne -% -One of the large consolations for experiencing anything -unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. - -- Joyce Carol Oates -% -One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to -do and always a clever thing to say. - -- Will Durant -% -One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with -Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just -to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't -be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending -to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't -understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was -reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the -time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be -puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be -genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do -foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. - -- Joe Martin -% -One of the most striking differences between a -cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - -- Mark Twain -% -One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they -need no answer. - -- George Gordon, Lord Byron -% -One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your -seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best -way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted -in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and -imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. -% -One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he -once had a publisher shot. - -- Siegfried Unseld -% -One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. -% -One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a -thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with -the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing -hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and -laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." - To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might -happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. -And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. - -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle -% -One organism, one vote. -% -One person's error is another person's data. -% -One picture is worth 128K words. -% -One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. - -- Chinese proverb -% -One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits -And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. -And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar -Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. -Go ask Alice Call Alice -When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. - -When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion -Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, -And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking - mushroom backwards -And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head -Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: -I think she'll know. Feed your head. - Feed your head. - Feed your head. - -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" -% -One planet is all you get. -% -One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan -is that there never was a plan in the first place. -% -One possible reason why things aren't going -according to plan is that there never was a plan. -% -One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could -manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be -installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your -congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how -the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when -he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would -inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the -plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman -proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be -designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") -This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public -would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem -is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 -members of congress. -% -One reason why George Washington -Is held in such veneration: -He never blamed his problems -On the former Administration. - -- George O. Ludcke -% -One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there -should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles -to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some -virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded -and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously -many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that -people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach -is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -One seldom sees a monument to a committee. -% -One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -ONE SIZE FITS ALL: - Doesn't fit anyone. -% -One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. -% -One thing about the past. -It's likely to last. - -- Ogden Nash -% -ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take -my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out -warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and -cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. - -I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty -late. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -One thing the inventors can't seem to -get the bugs out of is fresh paint. -% -One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that -sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer -terror. - -- W.K. Hartmann -% -One thought driven home is better than three left on base. -% -One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the -speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't -going to be out that long." - -- Steven Wright -% -One toke over the line, sweet Mary, -One toke over the line, -Sittin' downtown in a railway station, -One toke over the line. -Waitin' for the train that goes home, -Hopin' that the train is on time, -Sittin' downtown in a railway station, -One toke over the line. -% -One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. -% -One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at -the stake while the votes were being counted. - -- Thomas B. Reed -% -One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, -because they bite. - -- Vladimir Lenin -% -One-Shot Case Study, n: - The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which -it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. -% -On-line: - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. -% -Only a fool has no doubts. -% -Only a mediocre person is always at his best. - -- Laurence Peter -% -Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. -% -Only fools are quoted. - -- Anonymous -% -Only God can make random selections. -% -Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. - -- Oscar Wilde - -Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. - -- The Unnamed Usenetter -% -Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four -essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - -- Alex Levine - -[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are -hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] -% -Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right -to use the editorial "we". -% -Only someone with nothing to be sorry for -smiles back at the rear of an elephant. -% -Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. - -- Baba Ram Dass -% -Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by -placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," -and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn -food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours -unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS -and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a -modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power -that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, -postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of -the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. -May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. - -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 -% -Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. - -- Hannah Arendt -% -Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are -busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. -% -Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where -a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything -or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who -happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their -windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing -peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. - -- Sicilian police officer -% -Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one -of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. -% -Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. -% -Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. -% -Onward through the fog. -% -Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. -% -Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. - -- Debbie VanDam -% -Opium is very cheap considering you don't -feel like eating for the next six days. - -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite -% -Oppernockity tunes but once. -% -Opportunities are usually disguised as hard -work, so most people don't recognize them. -% -Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to -talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, -crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love -them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." -% -Optimism is the content of small men in high places. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" -% -Optimism, n: -The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, -and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by -those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded -with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible -to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment -but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. -% -OPTIMIST: - A proponent of the belief that black is white. - - A pessimist asked God for relief. - "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. - "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that -would justify them." - "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked -something -- the mortality of the optimist." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -OPTIMIST: - Someone who goes down to the marriage - bureau to see if his license has expired. -% -optimist, n: - A bagpiper with a beeper. -% -Optimization hinders evolution. -% -Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. -I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but -we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. - -- J. Wellington Wells -% -Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. - -- Germaine Greer -% -Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). -% -Order and simplification are the first steps toward -mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. - -- Thomas Mann -% -OREGON: - Eighty billion gallons of water with - no place to go on Saturday night. -% -O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: -Cleanliness is next to impossible -% -Oreo -% -Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. -Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - -- Mike Adams -% -Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born -to people you could not have possibly met. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Osborn's Law: - Variables won't; constants aren't. -% -Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? -% -Other women cloy -The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry -Where most she satisfies. - -- Antony and Cleopatra -% -Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. -% -Others will look to you for stability, -so hide when you bite your nails. -% -O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: - Murphy was an optimist. -% -Ouch! That felt good! - -- Karen Gordon -% -"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big -system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" - -"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make -any difference if it takes a while to fix it." - -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 -% -Our business in life is not to succeed -but to continue to fail in high spirits. - -- Robert Louis Stevenson -% -Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the -local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash -award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. -His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year -by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, -home-made, hand-held model. - -Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit -to the Pentagon free of charge: - - a. Don't kill anybody. - b. Don't build things that do. - c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. - -We expect annual savings to be in the billions. - -- Sojourners -% -Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, -but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. -% -Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. -He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both -holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only -*he* had a lollipop. - He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" - Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's -what it means to be a programmer." -% -Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a -continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national -emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we -did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. -Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never -to have been quite real. - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% -Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. -% -Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. - -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte -% -Our little systems have their day; -They have their day and cease to be; -They are but broken lights of thee. - -- Tennyson -% -Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. -Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, -In kernel as it is in user. -% -Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us -to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the -rain, we were punished. - -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic -% -Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. - -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries -% -Our problems are so serious that the best -way to talk about them is lightheartedly. -% -Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. -We their sons are more worthless than they: -so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Our swords shall play the orators for us. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, -In all of the directions it can whiz; -As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, -Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. -So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, -How amazingly unlikely is your birth; -And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, -'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! - -- Monty Python -% -Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. - -- General Omar N. Bradley -% -Ours is a world where people don't know what they -want and are willing to go through hell to get it. -% -Out of sight is out of mind. - -- Arthur Clough -% -Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. - -- Immanuel Kant -% -Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. -% -Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too -dark to read. -% -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too -dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too -dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Over the shoulder supervision is more a -need of the manager than the programming task. -% -Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two -complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through -rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining -errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this -design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the -result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the -problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the -system. - -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage - Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and - Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. -% -Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will -continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually -powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the -victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking -move?' - -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" -% -Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! -% -Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. -% -Overheard: - "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" -% -Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. -% -Owe no man any thing... - -- Romans 13:8 -% -Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in -concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the -oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very -much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher -concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it -takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason -for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of -oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex -process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is -always fatal. - -However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the -fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is -sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any -considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with -symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. - -Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in -the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be -due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings -in question. - -Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and -tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is -too late. - -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 -% -Ozman's Laws: - (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. - (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. - (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. - (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. -% -paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a - a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. -patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. -Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. -shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. -sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. -tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads - or as a vegetable. -troopa, n: A state policeman. -Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. -yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. - -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary -% -PAIN: - Falling out of a twenty story building, - and snagging your eyelid on a nail. -% -PAIN: - One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! -% -PAIN: - Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. -% -Pain is just God's way of hurting you. -% -Pandora's Rule: - Never open a box you didn't close. -% -panic: can't find / -% -panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) -% -Paprika Measure: - - 2 dashes == 1smidgen - 2 smidgens == 1 pinch - 3 pinches == 1 soupcon - 2 soupcons == too much paprika -% -Paralysis through analysis. -% -PARANOIA: - A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. -% -Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. -% -Paranoia is heightened awareness. -% -Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. -% -Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. -Now ... just try to find out where! -% -Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy -to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. - -- D.J. Hicks -% -Pardon me while I laugh. -% -Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they -didn't have much of anything to do with it. -% -Parkinson's Fifth Law: - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good - bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. -% -Parkinson's Fourth Law: - The number of people in any working group tends to increase - regardless of the amount of work to be done. -% -Parsley is gharsley. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. -% -PARTY: - A gathering where you meet people who drink - so much you can't even remember their names. -% -Pascal: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over - in his grave if he knew about it. - -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 -% -Pascal: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his - grave if he knew about it. -% -Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. - -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan -% -Pascal is not a high-level language. - -- Steven Feiner -% -Pascal Users: - The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. - Please modify your programs accordingly. -% -Pascal Users: - To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the - death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. -% -Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. - -- Eric Hoffer -% -Password: -% -Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. -% -Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being - unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... - All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't - eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most - CREEPING things... -Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? -P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone - can get in. -A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! -P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED - CATERPILLARS! -[...] -P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat - a LITTLE SQUIRREL? -A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. -P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? -A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the - Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. -P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! -A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) - par for the course, Charlie. - -- Firesign Theatre -% -Patch griefs with proverbs. - -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" -% -patent: - A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. -% -"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." -(crosses stream) -"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." - -- Eyeore -% -Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. - -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers -% -Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. - -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell - -In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last -resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but -inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -- Ambrose Bierce - -When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, -he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. - -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling - -Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. - -- Boies Penrose -% -Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) - -- Gauss -% -Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. -% -Paulg's Law: - In America, it's not how much an - item costs, it's how much you save. -% -Paul's Law: - You can't fall off the floor. -% -Pause for storage relocation. -% -paycheck: - The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal - withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, - medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, - Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. -% -Payeen to a Twang -Derrida -Ore-Ida -potato. - -If you dared, -I'd ask you -to go dig -up your ides under brown- -tubered skies. - -where pitchforked -you will ask -Derrida? -% -Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. -% -Peace cannot be kept by force; it -can only be achieved by understanding. - -- A. Einstein -% -Peace is much more precious than a piece -of land... let there be no more wars. - -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 -% -Peace, n: - In international affairs, a period of cheating between two - periods of fighting. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Peanut Blossoms - -4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk -4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla -4 cups shortening 14 cups flour -8 eggs 4 tsp. soda -4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt - -Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased -cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top -each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly -to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. -% -Pecor's Health-Food Principle: - Never eat rutabaga on any day of - the week that has a "y" in it. -% -pediddel: - A car with only one working headlight. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 -when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second -baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were -diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, -at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager -Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous -motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third -base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. -What is it?" - "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I -hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even -Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball -to Sax.'" - -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" -% -Peeping Tom: - A window fan. -% -Peers's Law: -The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. -% -Pelorat sighed. - "I will never understand people." - "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look -at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have -worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- -if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people -weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand -people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself --- no offense intended." - -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" -% -Penguin Trivia #46: - Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -% -PENGUINICITY!! -% -pension: - A federally insured chain letter. -% -People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of -attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to -suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the -case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their -only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable -tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -People are always available for work in the past tense. -% -People are beginning to notice you. -Try dressing before you leave the house. -% -People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. -% -People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. -% -People don't change; they only become more so. -% -People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, -four times... -% -People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three -times, four time, five times... -% -People in general do not willingly read -if they have anything else to amuse them. - -- S. Johnson -% -People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an -election. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction -rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -People often find it easier to be a -result of the past than a cause of the future. -% -People respond to people who respond. -% -People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they -*know* me there! - -- D.L. Roth -% -People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people -have been left out on the pleasure. - -- Russell Baker -% -People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," -absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the -public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in -the concentration camps. -% -People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. -% -People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something -to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for -it too. -% -People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. - -- Ken Kesey -% -People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. -% -People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get -much better press than people who are just funny and smart. - -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" -% -People who claim they don't let little things bother -them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. -% -People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. - -- Abigail Van Buren -% -People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. -% -People who have no faults are terrible; -there is no way of taking advantage of them. -% -People who have what they want are very fond of telling -people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. - -- Ogden Nash -% -People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. -% -People who push both buttons should get their wish. -% -People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. -% -People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have -cold baths. -% -People who think they know everything -greatly annoy those of us who do. -% -People will accept your ideas much more readily if -you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. -% -People will buy anything that's one to a customer. -% -People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. -% -People's Action Rules: - (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. - (2) Some people who should, won't. - (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. - (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. - (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. -% -Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. - -- R.W. Hamming -% -Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. -[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] -or -[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] - -- Aelius Donatus -% -Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. -% -perfect guest: - One who makes his host feel at home. -% -Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer -anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything -to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Performance: - A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or - rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored - to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. -% -Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. -I myself would say that it had merely been detected. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy -poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. - -- Thomas Macaulay -% -Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. -% -Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would -behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in -order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's -fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) -% -Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is -being a bore. - -- Cecil Beaton -% -Perilous to all of us are the devices of -an art deeper than we ourselves possess. - -- Gandalf the Grey -% -Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be -upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be -nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable -news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does -the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been -prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a -periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the -negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a -periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible -on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, -case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, -nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a -proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of -civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are -by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost -indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news -instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory -developments." - -- Fowler's English Usage -% -Persistence in one opinion has never been considered -a merit in political leaders. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC -% -Personifiers of the world, unite! -You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! - -- Bernadette Bosky -% -Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -% -Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; -persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting -to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author - -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" -% -pessimist: - A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the - wolf from the door. - -optimist: - A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of - his pants. - -opportunist: - A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. -% -Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. -Waiter: Who told you? -Pete: A little swallow. -% -Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -Peter's Law of Substitution: - Look after the molehills, and the - mountains will look after themselves. - -Peter's Principle of Success: - Get up one time more than you're knocked down. - -Peter's Principle: - In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of - his incompetence. -% -Peterson's Admonition: - When you think you're going down for the third time -- - just remember that you may have counted wrong. -% -Peterson's Rules: - (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways - are filled with something sticky. - (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. - (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. - (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. -% -petribar: - Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in - the window of a vending machine too long. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Phasers locked on target, Captain. -% -Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so -because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. -% -Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. -% -philosophy: - The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. -% -philosophy: - Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. -% -Phone call for chucky-pooh. -% -phosflink: - To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that - will bring it back to life). - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Photographing a volcano is just about -the most miserable thing you can do. - -- Robert B. Goodman - [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] -% -Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the -farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than -chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" -% -Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, -I wonder how the old folks are tonight, -Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, -She left me not knowing what to do. - -Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, -Carefree Highway, you seen better days, -The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, -Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... - -Turning back the pages to the times I love best, -I wonder if she'll ever do the same, -Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, -With knowing I got noone left to blame. -Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... - -Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, -I wonder if the years have closed her mind, -I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, -From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. - -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" -% -Pickle's Law: - If Congress must do a painful thing, - the thing must be done in an odd-number year. -% -Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, -Not one damn thing do we solve. - -- 1776 -% -Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. -% -Piece of cake! - -- G.S. Koblas -% -pig, n: - An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by - the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is - inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are -ruthless in punishing little thieves. - -- Diogenes -% -Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. - -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 -% -Piping down the valleys wild, -Piping songs of pleasant glee, -On a cloud I saw a child, -And he laughing said to me: -"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" -So I piped with merry cheer. -"Piper, pipe that song again;" -So I piped: he wept to hear. - -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" -% -Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped -the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician -outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. - -- Love and Rockets -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed - by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates - and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence - and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to - small animals. -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) - Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American - Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody - else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably - get run over by a bus. -% -PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) - You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. - It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the - job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have - a car. -% -pixel, n: - A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. - The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: - Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial - intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. -% -P-K4 -% -PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more -to the problem set than to the solution set. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Plagiarize, plagiarize, -Let no man's work evade your eyes, -Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, -Don't shade your eyes, -But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. -Only be sure to call it research. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Planet Claire has pink hair. -All the trees are red. -No one ever dies there. -No one has a head.... -% -Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! -Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! - -- Green Lantern Comics -% -Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia -because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers -couldn't compete successfully with poets. - -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" -% -PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: - What develops when two people get - tired of making love to each other. -% -Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. -% -Please don't put a strain on our friendship -by asking me to do something for you. -% -Please don't recommend me to your friends-- -it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. -% -PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! - -Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, - emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. -% -Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, -I sometimes forget which side I'm on. -% -Please go away. -% -Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. -% -Please ignore previous fortune. -% -Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. -% -Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! -% -Please remain calm, it's no use both of -us being hysterical at the same time. -% -Please stand for the Nation Anthem: - - O Canada - Our home and native land - True patriot love - In all thy sons' command - With glowing hearts we see thee rise - The true north strong and free - From far and wide, O Canada - We stand on guard for thee - God keep our land glorious and free - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - O Canada we stand on guard for thee - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - Australian's all, let us rejoice, - For we are young and free. - We've golden soil and wealth for toil - Our home is girt by sea. - Our land abounds in nature's gifts - Of beauty rich and rare. - In history's page, let every stage - Advance Australia Fair. - In joyful strains then let us sing, - Advance Australia Fair. - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - God save our Gracious Queen! - Long live our Noble Queen! - God save the Queen! - Send her victorious, - Happy and glorious, - Long to reign o'er us! - God save the Queen! - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please stand for the National Anthem: - - Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light - What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? - Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight - O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? - And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, - Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. - Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave - O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? - -Thank you. You may resume your seat. -% -Please take note: -% -Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" -until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, -we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. - -- N. Meyrowitz -% -Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? -% -PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the -solution set. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're -of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain -an uncontainable experience. - -- R.S. Knapp -% -PLUG IT IN!!! -% -Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. -% -Pohl's law: - Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. -% -poisoned coffee, n: - Grounds for divorce. -% -Poland has gun control. -% -Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to -teach children. - -- W.H. Auden -% -Political speeches are like steer horns. A point -here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. - -- Alfred E. Neuman -% -Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates -can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. -% -POLITICIAN: - From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or - "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). - Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. - -- Martin Pitt -% -Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise -to build a bridge even where there is no river. - -- Nikita Khrushchev -% -Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have -been, and never will be wrong. - -- Walter Dwight -% -Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign -funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. - -- Oscar Ameringer -% -Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and -without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in -for politics. - -- Albert Camus -% -Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as -dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the -systematic organisation of hatreds. - -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" -% -Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart -enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. -% -Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing -between the disastrous and the unpalatable. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to -realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next -week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to -explain why it didn't happen. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Politics, like religion, hold up the -torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. - -- Amy Gorin -% -politics, n: - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. - The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Pollyanna's Educational Constant: - The hyperactive child is never absent. -% -POLYGON: - Dead parrot. -% -Polymer physicists are into chains. -% -Poorman's Rule: - When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser - package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to - pull it open. -% -Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the -Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white -smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned -on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious -possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing - - Half a pound of tuppenny rice - Half a pound of treacle - That's the way the chimney smokes - Pope Goestheveezl - -The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter -streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic -functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant -Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Populus vult decipi. -[The people like to be deceived.] -% -Porsche; there simply is no substitute. - -- Risky Business -% -POSITIVE: - Being mistaken at the top of your voice. -% -Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. - -- Ryan -% -Post proelium, praemium. -[After the battle, the reward.] -% -Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. -% -Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: - - SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's -left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world -populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to -him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable -line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" - - FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a -fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on -unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed -with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish -with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on -diets that are driving them crazy. - - FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. -Except with sour cream. -% -Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: - - THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day -McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth -to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly -behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." - - A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, -rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover -of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and -general butter-melting by all. - - FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter -Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! -% -POVERTY: - An unfortunate state that persists as long - as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. -% -Poverty begins at home. -% -Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many -poor people. - -- Don Herold -% -POWER: - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -% -Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 -% -Power is poison. -% -Power is the finest token of affection. -% -Power, like a desolating pestilence, -Pollutes whate'er it touches... - -- Percy Bysshe Shelley -% -Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. - -- Lord Acton -% -PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. -% -Practical people would be more practical if -they would take a little more time for dreaming. - -- J.P. McEvoy -% -Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. - -- Henry Adams -% -Practically perfect people never permit -sentiment to muddle their thinking. - -- Mary Poppins -% -Practice is the best of all instructors. - -- Publilius -% -Practice yourself what you preach. - -- Titus Maccius Plautus -% -PRAIRIES: - Vast plains covered by treeless forests. -% -Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. - -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" -% -Praise the sea; on shore remain. - -- John Florio -% -pray, n: - To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf - of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. - -- Russian Proverb -% -Predestination was doomed from the start. -% -Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. - -- Niels Bohr -% -Prejudice: - A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Premature optimization is the root of all evil. - -- D.E. Knuth -% -Preserve the old, but know the new. -% -Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! -% -Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! -% -President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic -pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. -% -President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% -of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. - -- The Washington Post -% -Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! -% -Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: - It's on the other side. -% -Price's Advice: - It's all a game -- play it to have fun. -% -[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves -the working man, he loves to see him work. - -- Winston Churchill -% -[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the -largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor -For having it off with his Mater; - Revenge Dad or not? - That's the gist of the plot, -And he did -- nine soliloquies later. - -- Stanley J. Sharpless -% -Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle -taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for -all I know. - -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 -% -Priority: - A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often - expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't - care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less - badly than someone else. -% -Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. - -- Blake -% -Prizes are for children. - -- Charles Ives, - upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize -% -Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. -% -Probable-Possible, my black hen, -She lays eggs in the Relative When. -She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now -Because she's unable to postulate How. - -- Frederick Winsor -% -PROBLEM DRINKER: - A man who never buys. -% -Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. -And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy -for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress -I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? - -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors -% -Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. -% -Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 -midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. -Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average -has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. -% -PROGRAM: - Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one - day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," - "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation - always justifies hiring at least three more people. -% -program, n: - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input - into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging - one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. -% -Programmers do it bit by bit. -% -Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live -without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. - -- D.M. Ritchie -% -Programming Department: - Mistakes made while you wait. -% -Programming is an unnatural act. -% -PROGRESS: - Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons - invading the body and taking possession of it. - - Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria - and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. -% -Progress is impossible without change, and those who -cannot change their minds cannot change anything. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -Progress means replacing a theory that -is wrong with one more subtly wrong. -% -Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. - -- James Thurber -% -Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. -% -Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. -% -PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: - A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making - level where they can't foul up operations. -% -Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. -% -Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. - -This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction -techniques are very popular, even the military use them. - -SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. - - We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true -for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n -as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is -trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can -take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. - QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") -% -Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. - SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. -[1] Horses have an even number of legs. -[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. -[3] This makes a total of six legs, - which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. -[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. -[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. - -Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: - intimidation, - gesticulation (handwaving), - "try it; it works", - constipation (I was just sitting there and...), - blatant assertion, - changing all the 2's to n's, - mutual consent, - lack of a counterexample, and, - "it stands to reason". -% -Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, -but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. - -- Darrell Huff -% -Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Prototype designs always work. - -- Don Vonada -% -prototype, n. - First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by - pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, - upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the - prototype is not expected to work. -% -Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities -where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. -% -Prunes give you a run for your money. -% -Pryor's Observation: - How long you live has nothing to do - with how long you are going to be dead. -% -Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' -shortcomings. - -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" -% -Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. -% -Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself -a therapy. - -- Karl Kraus - -Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. - -Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - -- C.G. Jung -% -psychologist, n: - Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks - into a room. -% -Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. -Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. -Biologists think they're biochemists. -Biochemists think they're chemists. -Chemists think they're physical chemists. -Physical chemists think they're physicists. -Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. -Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. -Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. -Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. -Philosophers think they're gods. -% -Psychology. Mind over matter. -Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. -Never mind. -% -Public use of any portable music system is a -virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. - -- Zoso -% -Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping -a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. -% -Pudder's Law: - Anything that begins well will end badly. - (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) -% -Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. -% -Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to -spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate -that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person -on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are -thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other -passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they -have plenty of food and water. - -- Dave Barry -% -PURGE COMPLETE. -% -PURITAN: - Someone who is deathly afraid that - someone, somewhere, is having fun. -% -Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" -% -PURPITATION: - To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you - don't want it, and then put it in another section. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. -% -Pushing 30 is exercise enough. -% -Pushing forty is exercise enough. -% -Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. -Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. -Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. - -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor - of Texas. -% -Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. - -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" -% -Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. - -- Mark Twain -% -Put another password in, -Bomb it out, then try again. -Try to get past logging in, -We're hacking, hacking, hacking. - -Try his first wife's maiden name, -This is more than just a game. -It's real fun, but just the same, -It's hacking, hacking, hacking. -% -Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! -% -Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. -% -Put your best foot forward. -Or just call in and say you're sick. -% -Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. -% -Put your Nose to the Grindstone! - -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. -% -Put your trust in those who are worthy. -% -Putt's Law: - Technology is dominated by two types of people: - Those who understand what they do not manage. - Those who manage what they do not understand. -% -Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! -% -Q: Are we not men? -A: We are Vaxen. -% -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% -Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? -A: He got re-possessed! -% -Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? -A: With three more bullets. -% -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with - your wife? -A: You have to wait 22 months. -% -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back - in a hurricane? -A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. -% -Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? -A: When his lips move. -% -Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? -A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. - -Q: But how did he get back down? -A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. -% -Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? -A: Unique up on it! - -Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? -A: The tame way! -% -Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? -% -Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? -A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". -% -Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? -A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. -% -Q: How do you make an elephant float? -A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... -% -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets - struck by lightning first. -% -Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? -A: Throw him a rock. -% -Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? -A: With a blue-elephant gun. - -Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? -A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with - a blue-elephant gun. -% -Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? -A: Take away his credit cards. -% -Q: How does a hacker fix a function which - doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? -A: He changes the domain. -% -Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? -A: She asks them for a commitment. -% -Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? -A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" -% -Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? -A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment - of license fee (binary only). -% -Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being - done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. -% -Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the - experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in - lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) - -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all - those Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. -% -Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. - It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% -Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? -A: One more than you can find. -% -Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? -A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. - -Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? -A: There's a footprint in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's two footprints in the mayo. - -Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: The door won't shut. - -Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? -A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. -% -Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. We'll fix it in software. - -Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The application can work around it. - -Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. We'll document it in the manual. - -Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: None. The user can figure it out. -% -Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. -% -Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? -A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number - GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, - of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally - left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... - consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot - to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for - reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break - the bulb in the first place. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the -party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith -agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed -from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed -upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of -the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating -at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of -the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the -second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the -parties. - The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be -limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without -elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other -means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party -of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered -non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part -becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall -have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner -consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. -Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part -shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall -occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in -step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation -should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. -The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the -first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to -produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. -% -Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if - you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... -% -Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: I'll have to get back to you on that. -% -Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. -% -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% -Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a - light bulb? -A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in - the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send - Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim - that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking - around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains - that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at - the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb - from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. - Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers - beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly - killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. - As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, - Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must - warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon - and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have - just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been - given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted - and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. -% -Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light - bulb? -A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the - witness. -% -Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder - out from under him. -% -Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has - to really want to change. -% -Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" -A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct - the ship out of disgrace." - - [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for - a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's - pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. - - [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] -% -Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? -A: One. -% -Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? -A: 2 bits. -% -Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? -A: 9 edge down. -% -Q: Know what the difference between your latest project - and putting wings on an elephant is? -A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... -% -Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" -A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little - bottles into the typewriter. -% -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. - What should I do? - -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably - be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you - can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to - see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good - enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who - really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the - whole net right away! - -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette -% -Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? -A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." - -Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing - sunglasses? -A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. -% -Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? -A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until - they go down on you. - -Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? -A: You can park in the handicapped zone. - -Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw - puzzle in only 6 months? -A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". -% -Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? -A: The very best person they can possibly be. -% -Q: What do monsters eat? -A: Things. - -Q: What do monsters drink? -A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) -% -Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? -A: The impossible dream. -% -Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? -A: Rule the country. -% -Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? -A: The same middle name. -% -Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? -A: A dope ring. - -Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? -A: To cover up the valve stem. -% -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus. - -Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? -A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. -% -Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -A: A stick. -% -Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? -A: An interpreter. - -Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? -A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. - -Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? -A: A wind tunnel. -% -Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? -A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. - - [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. - Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] -% -Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, - eating fruit, and singing? -A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. -% -Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? -A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). -% -Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? -A: A good start. -% -Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C - is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? -A: A deep C diva. -% -Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? -A. A Christian Science Monitor. -% -Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a - lawyer, and believes in social causes? -A: A failure. -% -Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when - you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? -A: A howdah duty. -% -Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female - sheep bites you? -A: Ewe nicks. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? -A: An offer you can't understand. -% -Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? -A: Hot cross bunnies! -% -Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? -A: Not enough sand. -% -Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? -A: She goes home. - -Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? -A: To keep her neck warm. - -Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? -A: Tell her a joke on Friday. -% -Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? -A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by - a delicious dessert. -% -Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! -A: Exploding sheep. -% -Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? -A: A dinner party. -% -Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? -A: Moby Pickle. -% -Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? -A: Feet. -% -Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" -A: A ball point carrot. -% -Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? -A: Open other end. -% -Q: What is purple and commutes? -A: A boolean grape. -% -Q: What is purple and commutes? -A: An Abelian grape. -% -Q: What is purple and concord the world? -A: Alexander the Grape. -% -Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic - existentialist?" -A: "Is there a dog?" -% -Q: What is the difference between a duck? -A: One leg is both the same. -% -Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? -A: Yogurt has culture. -% -Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? -A: Her bowling shoes. -% -Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? -A: I think I'm drunk. - -Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? -A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! - -Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? -A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -% -Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? -A: Mu. -% -Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? -A: A nervous wreck. -% -Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and - plays like a monkey? -A: Nothing. -% -Q: What's black and white and red all over? -A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. -% -Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? -A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. -% -Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? -A: A doberman. -% -Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? -A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. - I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... - -Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? -A: Artificial intelligence. - -Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? -A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. -% -Q. What's the capital of Canada? -A. American. -% -Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead - lawyer in the road? -A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. -% -Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? -A: You can't get down off an elephant. -% -Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? -A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. -% -Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? -A: The moustache. -% -Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? -A: One more drunk. -% -Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? -A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -% -Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? -A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. -% -Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? -A: A canary with the super-user password. -% -Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? -A: Zorn's Lemon. -% -Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? -A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! - -Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? -A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... -% -Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? -A: Lawn Boy. -% -Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? -A: Because they're worth it! -% -Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? -A: Because he was hungry. -% -Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? -A: To see what was on the other side. - -Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? -A: More head room. - -Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? -A: She opens the car door. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: He was giving it last rites. -% -Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -A: To see his friend Gregory peck. - -Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? -A: To get to the other slide. -% -Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? -A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. -% -Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? -A: Because he left a residue at every pole. -% -Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? -A: Because that was her name. -% -Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? -A: To get to the middle. -% -Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% -Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? -A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. -% -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% -Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? -A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? - Oh, right, *of course*! -% -Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? -A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps - an eye on the two intellectuals. -% -Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and - New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? -A: God gave New Jersey first choice. -% -Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? -A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. - -Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? -A: To keep their ankles warm. - -Q: How do you kill a blonde? -A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. -% -Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? -A: The cats keep trying to bury them. -% -Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? -A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink - it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while - visiting, they always take three. -% -Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? -A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit - gets all the credit. -% -Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation - function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? -A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. -% -Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? -A: It takes too long to retrain them. - -Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? -A: All the blondes have gone home! - -Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? -A: There's white-out on the screen. -% -Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man - soup in a plate? -A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. -% -Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? -A: It wasn't IBM compatible. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? -A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? -A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. -% -Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? -A: The Titanic had a band. -% -QED. -% -QOTD: - "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." -% -QOTD: - "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." -% -QOTD: - "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." -% -QOTD: - All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. -% -QOTD: - All I want is more than my fair share. -% -QOTD: - "Dead people are good at running because they don't - have to stop and breathe." - -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" -% -QOTD: - "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." -% -QOTD: - "East is east... and let's keep it that way." -% -QOTD: - "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, - I go to work." -% -QOTD: - Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to - save the earth! -% -QOTD: - "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." -% -QOTD: - "Her other car is a broom." -% -QOTD: - "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect - her to cook." -% -QOTD: - "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." -% -QOTD: - How can I miss you if you won't go away? -% -QOTD: - "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." -% -QOTD: - "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." -% -QOTD: - "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the -other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." -% -QOTD: - "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." -% -QOTD: - "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." -% -QOTD: - I love your outfit, does it come in your size? -% -QOTD: - "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." -% -QOTD: - "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -% -QOTD: - I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the - ball in their court. - -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) -% -QOTD: - "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it - didn't work." -% -QOTD: - "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a - horse with one of the horns broken off." -% -QOTD: - "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" -% -QOTD: - "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return - it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." -% -QOTD: - "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." -% -QOTD: - "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with - the lost." -% -QOTD: - "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." -% -QOTD: - "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." -% -QOTD: - "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." -% -QOTD: - "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the - dog for dinner." -% -QOTD: - "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play - golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." -% -QOTD: - "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." -% -QOTD: - "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." -% -QOTD: - "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." -% -QOTD: - If it's too loud, you're too old. -% -QOTD: - "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." -% -QOTD: - If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. -% -QOTD: - "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." -% -QOTD: - "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." -% -QOTD: - I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". -% -QOTD: - I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". - - [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] -% -QOTD: - "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." -% -QOTD: - "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." -% -QOTD: - "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." -% -QOTD: - "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many - stations anymore." -% -QOTD: - "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his - hands in his own pockets." -% -QOTD: - "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." -% -QOTD: - "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." -% -QOTD: - "It's been Monday all week today." -% -QOTD: - "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." -% -QOTD: - "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if - the ace is missing from his deck altogether." -% -QOTD: - "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." -% -QOTD: - "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at - them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." -% -QOTD: - "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on - strike. To make less money." -% -QOTD: - "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back - all of my stuff." -% -QOTD: - I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. -% -QOTD: - "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing - trivial." -% -QOTD: - "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" -% -QOTD: - "Let's do it." - -- Gary Gilmore -% -QOTD: - "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." -% -QOTD: - Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical - mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying - on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. - -- Goodstein, States of Matter -% -QOTD: - Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. -% -QOTD: - "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let - her husband work." -% -QOTD: - "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" -% -QOTD: - My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. -% -QOTD: - "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." -% -QOTD: - "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with - a fake?" -% -QOTD: - "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." -% -QOTD: - "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." -% -QOTD: - "Our parents were never our age." -% -QOTD: - "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." -% -QOTD: - "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis - shoes on you and run you into the wall?" -% -QOTD: - Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. -% -QOTD: - "She's about as smart as bait." -% -QOTD: - Silence is the only virtue he has left. -% -QOTD: - Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. -% -QOTD: - "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." -% -QOTD: - Talent does what it can, genius what it must. - I do what I get paid to do. -% -QOTD: - "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its - neck to get the dog to play with it." -% -QOTD: - "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." -% -QOTD: - The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean - the snakes have gone away. -% -QOTD: - "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." -% -QOTD: - "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the - left." -% -QOTD: - "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" -% -QOTD: - "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." -% -QOTD: - "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you - think he was broken!" -% -QOTD: - "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding - when I mess things up." -% -QOTD: - "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call - "baring your neck." -% -QOTD: - "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." -% -QOTD: - "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" -% -QOTD: - Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? - Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... -% -QOTD: - "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? - How... tribal." -% -QOTD: - "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." -% -QOTD: -Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now -to late to punish. -% -QOTD: -I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, -then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. - -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash -% -QOTD: -"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." - -- Kathy Ireland -% -QOTD: -"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." -% -QOTD: -Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency -on my part. -% -QOTD: -On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. -% -QOTD: -Sacred cows make great hamburgers. -% -QOTD: -The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the -gerbil has more dark meat. -% -Quack! - Quack!! Quack!! -% -Quality control: - Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand - and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. -% -QUALITY CONTROL: - The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a - production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. -% -Quantity is no substitute for quality, -but its the only one we've got. -% -Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! - -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party -% -Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." -% -QUARK: - The sound made by a well bred duck. -% -Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! -% -Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in -exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must -devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate -from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to -Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are -weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be -reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. - -- Dennis Miller -% -Question: - Man Invented Alcohol, - God Invented Grass. - Whom do you trust? -% -question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; - -- Wm. Shakespeare -% -QUESTION AUTHORITY. - -(Sez who?) -% -Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until -they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? -% -Questionable day. -Ask somebody something. -% -Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -% -Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. - -(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) -% -Quigley's Law: - Whoever has any authority over you, - no matter how small, will attempt to use it. -% -Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. - -- Robert Orben -% -Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. -After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. -% -Qvid me anxivs svm? -% -Radicalism: - The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. - -- A. Bierce -% -RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC -READY ->_ -% -Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. -% -Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. - -- Albert Einstein -% -rain falls where clouds come -sun shines where clouds go -clouds just come and go - -- Florian Gutzwiller -% -Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. -% -Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. -% -Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. -% -Ralph's Observation: -It is a mistake to let any mechanical object -realise that you are in a hurry. -% -RAM wasn't built in a day. -% -Random, n: - as in number, predictable. - as in memory access, unpredictable. -% -Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. -% -Rascal, am I? Take THAT! - -- Errol Flynn -% -Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I -saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer -magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it -bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won -secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul -when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault -insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long -before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the -A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical -engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? - -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president -% -Razors pain you; -Rivers are damp; -Acids stain you; -And drugs cause cramp. -Guns aren't lawful; -Nooses give; -Gas smells awful; -You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 -% -Re: Graphics: - A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe - the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately - described with pictures. -% -Reach into the thoughts of friends, -And find they do not know your name. -Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, -And watch the feathers burst the seams. -Touch the stained glass with your cheek, -And feel its chill upon your blood. -Hold a candle to the night, -And see the darkness bend the flame. -Tear the mask of peace from God, -And hear the roar of souls in hell. -Pluck a rose in name of love, -And watch the petals curl and wilt. -Lean upon the western wind, -And know you are alone. - -- Dru Mims -% -Reactor error - core dumped! -% -Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. -% -Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. -% -Reagan can't act either. -% -Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has -limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are -so poor at I/O. -% -Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with -`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count -(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). -% -Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how -could they read their mail? -% -Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on -future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens -will ever be able to fit on a single planet. -% -Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they -find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to -implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are -still arguing over what else to add to ADA. -% -Real programmers don't document; if it was -hard to write, it should be hard to understand. -% -Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the -illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much -good it did them. -% -Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. -% -Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires -you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers -wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly -spring up in the middle of the machine room. -% -Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. -FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. -% -Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for -programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. -% -Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. -% -Real programs don't eat cache. -% -Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they -use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? -% -Real wealth can only increase. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Real World, The n.: - 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be -used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To -programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to -programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie -and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location -of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's -left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence -there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world -is not unlike talking about a deceased person. -% -Reality -- what a concept! - -- Robin Williams -% -Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. -% -Reality does not exist - yet. -% -Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. -% -Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. -% -Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature -cannot be fooled. - -- R.P. Feynman -% -Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! -% -Reappraisal, n: - An abrupt change of mind after being found out. -% -Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being -flat broke and having a stomach ache. - -- Dolph Sharp -% -Recent investments will yield a slight profit. -% -Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man -is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. - -- C.N. Parkinson -% -Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after -his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. -"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the -microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the -bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie -Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." -Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: -"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" - -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller -% -Reception area, n: - The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend - innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade - magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, - while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- - Cosmopolitan. -% -Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you -lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, -but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and -Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. -% -Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: - (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit - (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of - Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) - (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the - mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) - (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. - (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of - Qualactin Hypermint extract. - (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. - (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. - (8) Add an olive. - (9) Drink... but... very carefully... -% -Reclaimer, spare that tree! -Take not a single bit! -It used to point to me, -Now I'm protecting it. -It was the reader's CONS -That made it, paired by dot; -Now, GC, for the nonce, -Thou shalt reclaim it not. -% -Recursion is the root of computation -since it trades description for time. -% -Recursion: n. See Recursion. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% -Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, -administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. -% -Regnant populi. -% -Regression analysis: - Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are - getting worse. -% -Reichel's Law: - A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by - an outside force. -% -Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. - -- Thomas Berger -% -Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: - If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. -% -Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest -knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. - -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" -% -...relaxed in the manner of a man who -has no need to put up a front of any kind. - -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" -% -Reliable source, n: - The guy you just met. -% -Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. - -- Anatole France -% -Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. -% -Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. - -- Napoleon -% -Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. -% -Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our -extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. - -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. -% -Remember Darwin; building a better -mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. -% -Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled -with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two -deserts. - -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 -% -Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. - -- Jim Samuels -% -Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't -have an established user base. -% -Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over -the first one. - -- Confusion -% -"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's -*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" - -- Good Morning Vietnam -% -Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure -that you're the one holding it. - -- Mr. Greenfatigues -% -Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. - -- Dave Butler -% -Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when -you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. - -- Hans Liepmann -% -Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, -it could only be worse in Cleveland. -% -Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? -% -Remember the... the... uhh..... -% -Remember thee -Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat -In this distracted globe. Remember thee! -Yea, from the table of my memory -I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, -All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, -That youth and observation copied there. - -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" -% -Remember to say hello to your bank teller. -% -Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. - -- Mt. -% -Remember: use logout to logout. -% -Remembering is for those who have forgotten. - -- Chinese proverb -% -Remove me from this land of slaves, -Where all are fools, and all are knaves, -Where every knave and fool is bought, -Yet kindly sells himself for nought; - -- Jonathan Swift -% -Removing the straw that broke the camel's back -does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. -% -Renning's Maxim: - Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. -% -Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. - -- Mark Twain -% -Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. - -- Indiana University footbal cheer -% -Reply hazy, ask again later. -% -Reporter: - A writer who guesses his way to the truth - and dispels it with a tempest of words. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" -Yogi Berra: "Closed." -% -Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" -Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." -% -Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): - Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? -Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. -% -Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. -Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. - -Democrats eat the fish they catch. -Republicans hang them on the wall. - -Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry -Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. - -Democrats make up plans and then do something else. -Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. - -Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. -That is why there are more Democrats. - -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" -% -Reputation, adj: - What others are not thinking about you. -% -Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works -you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, -so you're still a valiant nerd. -% -Research is to see what everybody else has seen, -and think what nobody else has thought. -% -Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Research, n: - Consider Columbus: - He didn't know where he was going. - When he got there he didn't know where he was. - When he got back he didn't know where he had been. - And he did it all on someone else's money. -% -Resisting temptation is easier when you -think you'll probably get another chance later on. -% -Responsibility: - Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is -a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something -goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it -is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. - -- Cerebus, "On Governing" -% -Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you -actually have a shot at it. -% -Reunite Gondwanaland! -% -Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? -Bobby: Slow down. -Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? -Bobby: Slow down. -Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... -% -Revenge is a form of nostalgia. -% -Revenge is a meal best served cold. -% -Review Questions - -1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, - and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before - he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the - Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? - -2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks - twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks - every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off - his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? - -3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers - the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in - a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King - Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? -% -Revolution, n: - A form of government abroad. -% -Revolution, n: - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -revolutionary, adj: - Repackaged. -% -Rhode's Law: - When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, - or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or - circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, - estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose - of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or - personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the - above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and - adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, - and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to - assume otherwise, maybe. -% -Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men -should be happier than others. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. -He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, -lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the -world. - -- Senator Barry Goldwater -% -Riches cover a multitude of woes. - -- Menander -% -Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" -Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is - going on here." -Croupier (handing money to Renault): - "Your winnings, sir." -Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." - -- Casablanca -% -Riffle West Virginia is so small that the -Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. -% -"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither -machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not -rights, which they use or do not use. - -- Lazarus Long -% -Ring around the collar. -% -Ritchie's Rule: - (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. - (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. - (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. -% -Robot, n: - Someone who's been made by a scientist. -% -Robot, n: - University administrator. -% -Robustness, adj: - Never having to say you're sorry. -% -Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention - Unless the results are known in advance, - funding agencies will reject the proposal. -% -Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to -become necessary. - -- Edgar Friedenberg -% -Rome was not built in one day. - -- John Heywood -% -Rome wasn't burnt in a day. -% -Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, -He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, -Juliet was waiting with a safety net, -Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". - -- Elvis Costello -% -Roses are red; - Violets are blue. -I'm schizophrenic, - And so am I. -% -Rotten wood cannot be carved. - -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 -% -Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. - -- Zero Mostel -% -Round Numbers are always false. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... -% -Rubber bands have snappy endings! -% -Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" -Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" -% -Rudd's Discovery: - You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make - $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can - stay in Washington and make it there. -% -Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. -% -Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will - do it every time. - -Rudin's Second Law: - In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative - courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible - course. -% -rugby, n: - Elegant violence. - - (Rugby players eat their dead.) - (Blood makes the grass grow!) - (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) - - [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] -% -RUGGED: - Too heavy to lift. -% -Rule #1: - The Boss is always right. - -Rule #2: - If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. -% -Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. - Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is -not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may -sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they -regain their composure. -% -Rule of Creative Research: - 1) Never draw what you can copy. - 2) Never copy what you can trace. - 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -Rule of Defactualization: - Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. -% -Rule of Feline Frustration: - When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly - content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the - bathroom. -% -Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. -% -Rule of the Great: - When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep - thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. -% -Rule the Empire through force. - -- Shogun Tokugawa -% -Rules for driving in New York: - 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. - 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. - 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the - intersection. -% -Rules for Good Grammar #4. - 1: Don't use no double negatives. - 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. - 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. - 4: About them sentence fragments. - 5: When dangling, watch your participles. - 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. - 7: Just between you and i, case is important. - 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. - 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. -10: Try to not ever split infinitives. -11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. -12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. -13: Correct speling is essential. -14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. -15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally - careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not - become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. -% -Rules for Writers: - Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double -negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; -and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and -omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are -unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with -a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. -Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. -Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on -us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have -snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've -told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, -avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional -phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of -death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" -% -RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED - 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. - 2. Never leave the table hungry. - 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. - 4. Enjoy your food. - 5. Enjoy your companion's food. - 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to - accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. - 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for - example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. - Which feels better against your cheeks? - 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. - 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can - always eat it later. - 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. - 11. Avoid blue food. - -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" -% -Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Rune's Rule: - If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. -% -Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. - -- John Cameron Swayze -% -Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, -he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. - -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change - from being a pitcher to an outfielder. - Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" -% -Ryan's Law: - Make three correct guesses consecutively - and you will establish yourself as an expert. -% -Sacher's Observation: - Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. -% -Sacred cows make great hamburgers. -% -SADISM: - A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. -% -sadoequinecrophilia, n: - Beating a dead horse. -% -Safety Third. -% -Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence - Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. - - 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, - bugs, ants. - 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. - 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. - 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. - 5. Exotic birds flock around you. - 6. People ignore you at parties. - 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. - 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. -% -SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: - - In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the -Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered -to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international -space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would -violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by -turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction -center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless - tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of - Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at - you a great deal. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) - Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding - ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and - obnoxious self. Call your mother. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) - Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will - backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue - impulse you have to push her out into traffic. -% -Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I -got started one night when George came home and found one burning in -the ashtray." -% -Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. - -- Heard on Noahs' ark -% -Sailors in ships, sail on! -Even while we died, others rode out the storm. -% -Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. - -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" -% -Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed -in small amounts over a long period of time. - -- George Carlin -% -Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings - with me. -Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained - to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not - letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around - sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. -Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. -Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into - uncharted waters here. - -- Sally Forth -% -Sam: What do you know there, Norm? -Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? - -- Cheers, Loverboyd - -Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? -Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. - -- Cheers, Loverboyd - -Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. - -- Cheers, Loverboyd -% -Sam: What's the good word, Norm? -Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. -Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... -Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... -Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. - -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday - -Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? -Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. - -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor - -Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. - -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie -% -Sam: What do you say, Norm? -Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. - -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice - -Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? -Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? - -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up - -Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. -All: Norm! (Norman.) -Sam: Still pouring, Norm? -Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. - -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare -% -Sam: What's going on, Normie? -Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in - it, and I'll blow out my liver. - -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone - -Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? -Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. - Found him every couple of blocks. - -- Cheers, Head Over Hill -% -Sam: What's new, Norm? -Norm: Most of my wife. - -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One - -Coach: Beer, Norm? -Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. - -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone - -Coach: What's doing, Norm? -Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen - to be the guinea pig. - -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways -% -SAN DIEGO: - Four million people, where you can't get a - good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. -% -SAN FRANCISCO: - Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. -% -San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the -people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When -they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. -One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. - -- George Halas, professional footbal coach -% -San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - -- Herb Caen -% -Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. -% -Sank heaven for leetle curls. -% -Santa Claus is watching! -% -Santa Claus wears a red suit -He's a Communist. - -He has long hair and a beard -Must be a pacifist. - -And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? - -Santa Claus comes in your house at night. -He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. - -Why do police guys beat on peace guys? - -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" -% - -SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE -MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! - - - \__\_ :. ___/ - ..\ /-- - :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: - (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o -====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' - \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. - ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: -( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ -( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ - (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ - /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ - - -% -Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. -% -Satellite Safety Tip #14: - If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. -% -Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. -% -Satire is tragedy plus time. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -Satire is what closes in New Haven. -% -Satire is what closes Saturday night. - -- George Kaufman -% -Sattinger's Law: - It works better if you plug it in. -% -Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, -Is like being nowhere at all, -All through the day how the hours rush by, -You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. - -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" -% -Satyrs have more faun. -% -Savage's Law of Expediency: - You want it bad, you'll get it bad. -% -Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be -surprised at how little you have. - -- Ernest Haskins -% -Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. -% -Save energy: be apathetic. -% -Save gas, don't eat beans. -% -Save gas, don't use the shell. -% -Save the bales! -% -Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -% -Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! -% -Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- -Bust in business, lost your wife; -No one cares a cent about you, -You don't care a cent for life; -Hard luck has of hope bereft you, -Health is failing, wish you'd die-- -Why, you've still the sunshine left you -And the big blue sky. - -- R.W. Service -% -Say it with flowers, -Or say it with mink, -But whatever you do, -Don't say it with ink! - -- Jimmie Durante -% -Say many of cameras focused t'us, -Our middle-aged shots do us justice. -No justice, please, curse ye! -We really want mercy: -You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. - -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt -% -Say my love is easy had, -Say I'm bitten raw with pride, -Say I am too often sad -- -Still behold me at your side. - -Say I'm neither brave nor young, -Say I woo and coddle care, -Say the devil touched my tongue, -Still you have my heart to wear. - -But say my verses do not scan, -And I get me another man! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" -% -Say no, then negotiate. - -- Helga -% -Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. -% -Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. -% -SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - -- Ken Thompson -% -SCENARIO: - An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in - which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in - sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. -% -Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. -% -Scene: - A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living -room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and -white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in -filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his -shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy -intently watching him. - -Caption: - "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. -% -Schapiro's Explanation: - The grass is always greener on the other side -- - but that's because they use more manure. -% -Schizophrenia beats being alone. -% -schlattwhapper, n: - The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, - hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Schmidt's Observation: - All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap - than a thin person. -% -Science and religion are in full accord but -science and faith are in complete discord. -% -Science Fiction, Double Feature. -Frank has built and lost his creature. -Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. -The servants gone to a distant planet. -Wo, oh, oh, oh. -At the late night, double feature, Picture show. -I want to go, oh, oh, oh. -To the late night, double feature, Picture show. - -- Rocky Horror Picture Show -% -Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a -collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones -is a house. - -- Jules Henri Poincare -% -Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. -% -Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. -% -Science may someday discover what faith has always known. -% -Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! -Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. -Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, -Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? -How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? -Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering -To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, -Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? -Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? -And driven the Hamadryad from the wood -To seek a shelter in some happier star? -Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, -The Elfin from the green grass, and from me -The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? - -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" -% -Scientists still know less about what attracts men -than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. - -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, - "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" -% -Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. -They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that -was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were -linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights -started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there -was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, -struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently -together. "There is now", came the reply. -% -Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, -Fain how I pause at your nature specific, -Loftily poised in the ether capacious, -Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. -Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, -Fain how I pause at your nature specific. -% -Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. -% -SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve - the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most - Scorpio people are murdered. -% -SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) - Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check - for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want - to throw up. Knock it off. -% -SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) - You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million - dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to - subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance - to win. You never learn. -% -Scott's First Law: - No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. - -Scott's Second Law: - When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found - to have been wrong in the first place. -Corollary: - After the correction has been found in error, it will be - impossible to fit the original quantity back into the - equation. -% -Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! -Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? -Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. -Kirk: Then it's of external origin? -Spock: Affirmative. -Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. -Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. -% -Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug -Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, -Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -And we've also found Just flip one switch -When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch -You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble -Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. -Now the CPU won't run When the CPU -And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," - The system is going to crash. - -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along -% -Scratch the disks! -Drop the core! -Roll the tapes across the floor! -% -Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. -% -SCRIBLINE: - The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! - -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix -% -Sears has everything. -% -Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. -% -Second Law of Business Meetings: - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you - will pick the wrong one. - -Corollary: - If there is only one way to spell a name, - you will spell it wrong, anyway. -% -Second Law of Final Exams: - In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most - distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. -% -Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. -% -Secretary's Revenge: - Filing almost everything under "the". -% -Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! -% -Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? -[Who guards the Guardians?] -% -Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. -She scissored short. Sorely shorn, -Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, -Silently scheming, -Sightlessly seeking -Some savage, spectacular suicide. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause -the second one should have seen it. -% -Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what -was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney -who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to -himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and -asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. - "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so -far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." -% -Seeing is believing. -You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. -% -Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. - -- James Thurber -% -Seeing that death, a necessary end, -Will come when it will come. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were -driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the -mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by -luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged -rocks. They all got out of the car: - The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." - The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it -into town and have a specialist look at it." - The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back -in and see if it does it again." -% -Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription -counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help -you?". - The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." - "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would -you like me to put it on your bill?" - Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" -% -Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans -to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, -the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. -During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's -work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your -dreams!" - A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. -Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is -completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and -other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields -are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. -"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" - "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was -like when God was working it alone!" -% -Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, -and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash -register. - "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" - "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. - "GRIZZLIES?!?!" - "A few." - "Got any bear bells?" - "What's that?" - "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so -bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black -bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly -country, anyhow?" - "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." - "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" - "Bear bells." -% -Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. -Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" - -In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" -In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" -In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" -In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" -% -Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his -doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man -that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more -months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. -Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, -and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. -He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him -up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." - The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" - "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within -a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne -out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. -When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy -some new underwear. - The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." - "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The -salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing -that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. - Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, -you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." -% -Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for -Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. -% -Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: - Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. -% -semper en excretus -% -SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! -% -Send some filthy mail. -% -Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. - -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" -% -SENILITY: - The state of mind of elderly persons - with whom one happens to disagree. -% -Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very -little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. -In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. - -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 -% -Sentient plasmoids are a gas. -% -Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. - -- Graham Greene -% -SERENDIPITY: - The process by which human knowledge is advanced. -% -Serfs up! - -- Spartacus -% -Serocki's Stricture: - Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. -% -Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. -% -Set the cart before the horse. - -- John Heywood -% -Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a -swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were -there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages -retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, -some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the -fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite -loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security -guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's -anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -% -Sex and drugs and rock and roll, -Is all my brain and body need. -Sex and drugs and rock and roll, -Are very good indeed. - -Take your silly ways, -Throw them out the window, -The wisdom of your ways, -I've been there and I know, -Lots of other ways... - -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" -% -Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. -% -Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. - -- Lewis Grizzard -% -Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, -if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. - -- Ian Dury -% -Sex is an emotion in motion. - -- Mae West -% -"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is -for diet Coke." - -- Malcolm MacDougall -% -Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, -it's still darn tasty! -% -Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are -unimportant. - -- Henry Miller -% -Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - -- M.C. Reed -% -Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the -most amount of trouble. - -- John Barrymore -% -Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is -repeated until infinity. - -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist - Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, - 1973. -% -Sex without love is an empty experience, but, -as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. - -- Woody Allen -% -Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon -how children do not come into the world. - -- Karl Kraus -% -Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! -% -Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: -always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? - -- J.M. Barrie -% -Shame is an improper emotion invented by -pietists to oppress the human race. - -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" -% -Shannon's Observation - Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation - that is beginning to improve. -% -share, n: - To give in, endure humiliation. -% -Shaw's Principle: - Build a system that even a fool can use, - and only a fool will want to use it. -% -She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking -good. - -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" -% -She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, -containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax -for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having -the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. - -In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, -not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the -worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." - -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" -% -She asked me, "What's your sign?" -I blinked and answered "Neon," -I thought I'd blow her mind... -% -She been married so many times -she got rice marks all over her face. - -- Tom Waits -% -She blinded me with science! -% -She can kill all your files; -She can freeze with a frown. -And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. -And she works on her code until ten after three. -She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. - -- Apologies to Billy Joel -% -She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. - -- Tommy Manville -% -She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. -% -She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few -years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and -left. Excited a few men in the meantime. - -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's - involvement in "The Avengers". -% -She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him -a look that you could have poured on a waffle. -% -She often gave herself very good advice -(though she very seldom followed it). - -- Lewis Carroll -% -She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. - -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance -% -She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. -Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored -women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. - -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" -% -She sells cshs by the cshore. -% -She stood on the tracks -Waving her arms -Leading me to that third rail shock -Quick as a wink -She changed her mind - -She gave me a night -That's all it was -What will it take until I stop -Kidding myself -Wasting my time - -There's nothing else I can do -'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna -I don't want anyone new -'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna -There's nothing in it for you -'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna - -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) -% -She was bred in ol' Kentucky -But she's just a crumb up here -She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed -With a cauliflower ear -Someday we will be married -And if vegetables become too dear -I'll just cut me a slice of -Her cauliflower ear! - -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" -% -She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is -good at being short. - -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe -% -She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. -% -She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. -% -She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! -% -Shedenhelm's Law: - All trails have more uphill sections - than they have downhill sections. -% -"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. -% -Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then -turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a -bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last -night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British -aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' - -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton - bad fiction contest. -% -Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken -him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess -of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -She's learned to say things with her eyes -that others waste time putting into words. -% -She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. -% -She's such a kinky girl, -The kind you don't take home to mother. -She will never let your spirits down -Once you get her off the street. -% -She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. - -- Mae West -% -Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... -% -Shick's Law: - There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -% -Shift to the left, -Shift to the right, -Mask in, mask out, -BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! -% -SHIFT TO THE LEFT! -SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! -POP UP, PUSH DOWN, -BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! -% -Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. -% -Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks -in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was -laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society -of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable -comments: - - "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." - "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." - "A man for all seasons. Really..." - -After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful -it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead -body join her long dead brain. -% -Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, -they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. - -- Terry Southern -% -Short people get rained on last. -% -Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. - -- Martin Mull -% -Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. -Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. - -- Leo Durocher -% -Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll -show you a man who playing golf with his boss. -% -Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. -% -Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. -% -Showing up is 80% of life. - -- Woody Allen -% -Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. - -- Voltaire -% -Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. -[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] - -- Henri Estienne -% -Sic transit gloria Monday! -% -Sic transit gloria mundi. -[So passes away the glory of this world.] - -- Thomas a Kempis -% -Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. -% -Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. -% -Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. -% -Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet -% -Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak -up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to -raise bloody hell. - -- Herbert Block -% -Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -Silence is the only virtue you have left. -% -sillema sillema nika su -[translation: look it up...hint-fin] -% -Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -% -Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking -a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the -carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed -the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out -of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest -intersection in town. BUT! - -Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... -BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! - -Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. -She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. -(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! -And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! - -Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... -BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! -% -Silverman's Law: - If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -% -Simon's Law: - Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -% -Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. -% -Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. - -- Hubert Kirrman -% -Sin boldly. - -- Martin Luther -% -Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. -% -Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. -All other "sins" are invented nonsense. -(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). - -- Lazarus Long -% -Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised -when others believe him. - -- Charles DeGaulle -% -Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! -% -Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, -cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward -this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. -% -Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, -having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well -burst out in laughter. - -- Long Chen Pa -% -Since I hurt my pendulum -My life is all erratic. -My parrot who was cordial -Is now transmitting static. -The carpet died, a palm collapsed, -The cat keeps doing poo. -The only thing that keeps me sane -Is talking to my shoe. - -- My Shoe -% -Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're -alive. - -- John Sloan -% -Sink or Swim with Teddy! -% -Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. -% -Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. - -- CP30 -% -[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues -I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of -Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from -loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" - -God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all -the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. -It'll cost you though". - -"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and -the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" - -"An arm and a leg", said God. - -Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get -for a rib?" -% -Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful -objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill -gives us modern art. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): - That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, - or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you - should have gotten. -% -skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil -h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 -kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, - [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] - sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y - - -Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! -% -Slang is language that takes off its coat, -spits on its hands, and goes to work. -% -Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when -a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent -songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as -those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether -beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, -breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest -anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God -for deliverance from chains. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Sleep is for the weak and sickly. -% -Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: - 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. - 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. - 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is - attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is - attracted to dark objects. -% -Slous' Contention: - If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. -% -Slow day. -Practice crawling. -% -SLURM: - The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it - sits in the dish too long. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -% -Small is beautiful. - -- Schumacher's Dictum -% -Small things make base men proud. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my -teacher was in my class for five years. - -- George Burns -% -Smear the road with a runner!! -% -Smile! You're on Candid Camera. -% -Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. -% -Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. - -- Fran Lebowitz -% -SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! - Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the - U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), - describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on - the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be - filed 30 days in advance. -% -Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. -% -Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! - -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office -% -SNACKTREK: - The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly - returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will - have materialized. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? -% -SNAPPY REPARTEE: - What you'd say if you had another chance. -% -Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. -% -Snow and adolescence are the only problems -that disappear if you ignore them long enough. -% -Snow Day -- stay home. -% -Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours -shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she -mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks -for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right -with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps -the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." -% -So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they -go to work? -% -So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. -A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force -they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because -of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose -only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only -purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of -strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. -Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. - -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 -% -So far as I can remember, there is not one -word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far -as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical -way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. - -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire -% -So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course -of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a -friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth -could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could -use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- -for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible -the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to -extrapolate the location of their kitchens). - -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" -% -So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? -% -So, if there's no God, who changes the water? - -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl -% -So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. - -- Yogi Berra -% -So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as -large as it needs to be? -% -So little time, so little to do. - -- Oscar Levant -% -So live that you wouldn't be ashamed -to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. -% -So many beautiful women and so little time. - -- John Barrymore -% -So many men and so little time. -% -So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -So many women, and so little time! -% -So many women, so little nerve. -% -So much food, and so little time! -% -So much -depends -upon -a red - -wheel -barrow -glazed with - -rain -water -beside -the white -chickens. - -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" -% -So now -that you have- - -you know, whoever - -you're trying -to do - -a favor -for - --you've done it- - -and I'm sure -you had - -a smirk -on your mouth - -as you got me -into this. - -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, - composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. - From SPY Magazine, November 1992 -% -So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; -and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head -into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently -married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand -Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all -fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran -out at the heels of their boots. - -- Samuel Foote -% -So so is good, very good, very excellent good: -and yet it is not; it is but so so. - -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" -% -So... so you think you can tell -Heaven from Hell? -Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade -Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? -From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? -A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? -Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? - Did you exchange - A walk on part in a war - For the lead role in a cage? - -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" -% -So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is -to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the -waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is -bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the -sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude -seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow -goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know -very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will -say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this -Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind -of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous -development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. - -- Dave Barry -% -So this it it. We're going to die. -% -So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? -And why can't he ever remember his Bible? -% -So, you better watch out! -You better not cry! -You better not pout! -I'm telling you why, -Santa Claus is coming, to town. - -He knows when you've been sleeping, -He know when you're awake. -He knows if you've been bad or good, -He has ties with the CIA. -So... -% -"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might - want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." -"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." -"Friday, then?" -"Why not, David, it might even be fun." - -- Dating in Minnesota -% -So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality -all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have -tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal -recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of -the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment -and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of -eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... -% -So you think that money is the root of all evil. -Have you ever asked what is the root of money? - -- Ayn Rand -% -So you're back... about time... -% -Soap and education are not as sudden as a -massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. - -- Mark Twain -% -SOCIALISM: - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. -COMMUNISM: - You have two cows. - Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. -CAPITALISM: - You sell one cow and buy a bull. -FASCISM: - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. - The government sells it. -NAZISM: - The government shoots you and takes the cows. -NEW DEALISM: - The government shoots one cow, - milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. -ANARCHISM: - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. -CONSERVATISM: - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. -% -Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run -like a staff function." - -- Paul Licker -% -Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more -"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all -the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. - -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. -% -Soldiers who wish to be a hero -Are practically zero, -But those who wish to be civilians, -They run into the millions. -% -Solipsists of the World... you are already united. - -- Kayvan Sylvan -% -Solutions are obvious if one only has the -optical power to observe them over the horizon. - -- K.A. Arsdall -% -Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, -and some few to be chewed and digested. - -- Francis Bacon - [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] -% -Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. -Others are so fast, they don't notice you. -% -Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, -as when you find a trout in the milk. - -- Thoreau -% -Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. -% -Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. -% -Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - -- Ed Howe -% -Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right -places! - -- Mae West -% -Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, -and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -Some men are discovered; others are found out. -% -Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think -about sex at all... they become lawyers. - -- Woody Allen -% -Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness -that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. -% -Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. - -- Maureen Murphy -% -Some men feel that the only thing they owe -the woman who marries them is a grudge. - -- Helen Rowland -% -Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear -lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. - -- Samuel Butler -% -Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. - -- Woodie Guthrie -% -Some men who fear that they are playing -second fiddle aren't in the band at all. -% -Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. -The answer is: I don't know. -Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? -% -Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the -old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent -I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the -13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is -the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some -Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the -Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is -an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of -"lekare". - "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist - is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with - fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring - it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the - heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given - newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, - and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he - shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what - he received, shame and wounds." -% -Some of the things that live the longest -in peoples' memories never really happened. -% -Some of them want to use you, -Some of them want to be used by you, -...Everybody's looking for something. - -- Eurythmics -% -Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -Some parts of the past must be preserved, -and some of the future prevented at all costs. -% -Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Stephen Wright -% -Some people around here wouldn't recognize -subtlety if it hit them on the head. -% -Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional -transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into -two-dimensional ones. - -- F. Frederick Skitty -% -Some people carve careers, others chisel them. -% -Some people cause happiness wherever -they go; others, whenever they go. -% -Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, -but at least you only have to climb it once. -% -Some people have a great ambition: to build something -that will last, at least until they've finished building it. -% -Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have -only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." -% -Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. -% -Some people have parts that are so private -they themselves have no knowledge of them. -% -Some people live life in the fast lane. -You're in oncoming traffic. -% -Some people manage by the book, even though they -don't know who wrote the book or even what book. -% -Some people need a good imaginary cure -for their painful imaginary ailment. -% -Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. -% -Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. -% -Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a -rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. -They say things they haven't even thought of yet. -% -Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. -% -Some say the world will end in fire, -Some say in ice. -From what I've tasted of desire -I hold with those who favor fire. -But if it had to perish twice -I think I know enough of hate -To say that for destruction, ice -Is also great -And would suffice - -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" -% -Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. - -- Folk saying -% -Some things have to be believed to be seen. -% -Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers -so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. -% -Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, -Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, -Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, -When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. - -Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, -Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. -Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, -That don't smell very nice -- -He's nobody's moggy now. - -Oh you who love your pussy, -Be sure to keep him in. -Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play -The truck is bound to win. On the road way -And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, -Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing -If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" -It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! - And your pussy will be slightly dead, -He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! -Just red and squashed and soggy -- -He's nobody's moggy now. - -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" -% -Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. -I found a pile of them over in the corner. -% -Someday somebody has got to decide whether the -typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. -% -Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will -probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a -blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. - -- Mister Boffo -% -Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. - -- Evan Davis -% -Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? -% -Someday your prints will come. - -- Kodak -% -Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing -when I was passing through satisfaction. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. -% -Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York -City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to -Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." - -- David Letterman -% -Someone is speaking well of you. -% -Someone is speaking well of you. -How unusual! -% -Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. -% -Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. -% -Someone will try to honk your nose today. -% -Something better... - - 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? - 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. - 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore - something larger. Like ... Wyoming. - 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. - 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen - minutes late. - 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your - own ear. - 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't - mind putting that thing away. - 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. - It's what's in it that matters. - 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye - Seattle. -10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. -11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps - changing tempo. -12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." - -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" -% -Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. - -- Shakespeare -% -Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... -and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. - -- N.V. Plyter -% -Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a -fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. - -- Montesquieu -% -Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm -smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. - -- Seneca -% -Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, -Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. -Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, -Either light up or leave me alone. -% -Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and -the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the -world. - -- Robert Stone -% -Sometimes I live in the country, -And sometimes I live in town. -And sometimes I have a great notion, -To jump in the river and drown. -% -Sometimes I simply feel that the whole -world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. -% -Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. -Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. - -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" -% -Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. - -- Repo Man -% -Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. -% -SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw -back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears -me because I am beautiful. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. -% -Sometimes the light is all shining on me, -Other times I can hardly see. -Lately it occurs to me -What a long strange trip it's been. - -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" -% -Sometimes, too long is too long. - -- Joe Crowe -% -Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel -like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat -before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and -forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. - -- Snoopy -% -Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means -to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. - -- Andy Capp -% -Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone -else is driving. - -- David Letterman -% -Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. -% -Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. -% -Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a -woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - -- Sam Levenson -% -Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - -- Carl Sagan -% -Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which -the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can -make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. -But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. - -- Sky Masterson's Father -% -Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. -(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). -% -Sorry. Nice try. -% -Sorry never means having you're say to love. -% -Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly -big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the -drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -Space is to place as eternity is to time. - -- Joseph Joubert -% -Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. - -- Wheeler -% -Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. -Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life -and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. - -- Captain James T. Kirk -% -SPAGMUMPS: - Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Speak roughly to your little boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -He only does it to annoy - Because he knows it teases. - - Wow! wow! wow! - -I speak severely to my boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -For he can thoroughly enjoy - The pepper when he pleases! - - Wow! wow! wow! -% -Speak roughly to your little Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -It knows that one cannot relax -Because the paging thrashes! - -I speak severely to my Vax, -And boot it when it crashes; -In spite of all my favorite hacks, -My jobs it always trashes! -% -Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. -% -"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though -ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, -mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, -thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has -moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, -and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate -earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful -water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or -diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers -would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when -leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting -wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the -murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell -into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed -on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would -have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has -seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one -syllable is thine!" - -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" -% -Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure -that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, -all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? -Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the -result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure -parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different -types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a -recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language -so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? -% -Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these -days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate -with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children -who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in -these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours -bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't -communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! - -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" -% -Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's -on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! -% -Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! -Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited -young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate -students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. -Faculty members especially welcome. -% -Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the -motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, -when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. - -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 -% -Spence's Admonition: - Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. -% -Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. -% -SPINSTER: - A bachelor's wife. -% -SPIRTLE: - The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands - right in your eye. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Spock: The odds of surviving another -attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. -% -Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. -% -SPOUSE: - Someone who'll stand by you through all the - trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. -% -Spring is here, spring is here, -Life is skittles and life is beer. -% -SQUATCHO: - The button at the top of a baseball cap. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. -% -St. Patrick was a gentleman -who through strategy and stealth -drove all the snakes from Ireland. -Here's a toasting to his health -- -but not too many toastings -lest you lose yourself and then -forget the good St. Patrick -and see all those snakes again. -% -Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. -% -Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. -% -Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last -words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are -now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." - "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under -his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. - "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't -open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, -open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if -after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And -with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. - Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- -unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it -was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" -So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin -for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. - But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much -deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. - All it said was: "Write two letters." -% -Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. -% -Stamp out philately. -% -STANDARDS: - The principles we use to reject other people's code. -% -Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by -no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for -something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. -% -Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: -they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. -% -Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; -Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest -science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all -on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! - -- Harlan Ellison -% -Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Start the day with a smile. -After that you can be your nasty old self again. -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS - LVME 10DR OW-A CAH -LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE - - HAWAII WISCONSIN - L-O HA CHEDDAR -FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - ALABAMA ARIZONA - IC1 NOW 120 F -THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE - - CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI - 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS -WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE - - TEXAS FLORIDA - 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED - PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER -% -State license plates we'd like to see: - - MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA - 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X -EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE - - NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY - WL-GOLLY ARG GGH -HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE - - KANSAS WASHINGTON DC - TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC -THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 - MOVIE STATE -% -STATISTICS: - A system for expressing your political - prejudices in convincing scientific guise. -% -Statistics are no substitute for judgement. - -- Henry Clay -% -Statistics means never having to say you're certain. -% -Stay away from flying saucers today. -% -Stay away from hurricanes for a while. -% -Stay the curse. -% -Stay together, drag each other down. -% -Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, -There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, -One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, - -And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, -Though we really did try to make it, -Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... - -It used to be so easy living here with you, -You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do -Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. - -There'll be good times again for me and you, -But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? -But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... - -But it's too late baby... -It's too late, now darling, it's too late... - -- Carol King, "Tapestry" -% -Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So -long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental -hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, -its rate is a matter of discretion. - -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" -% -Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. -% -Steckel's Rule to Success: - Good enough is never good enough. -% -Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: - Everybody should believe in something -- - I believe I'll have another drink. -% -Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. -Embezzlement is another matter. -% -Stenderup's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. -% -Step back, unbelievers! -Or the rain will never come. -Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. -You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, -But I swear to you, before this day is out, - you folks are gonna see some rain! -% -Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle -Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad -so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he -wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's -very little call for those up there. - -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone -% -Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. -Say, do you have a map to the next joint? -% -Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. - -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 -% -Stock's Observation: - You no sooner get your head above water - but what someone pulls your flippers off. -% -Stone's Law: - One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" -% -Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. -And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes -in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and -Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The -way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage -on the credulity of human nature. -% -Stop me, before I kill again! -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -Now, if they'd only take a bath... -% -Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. -% -Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. -% -Strange things are done to be number one -In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, -IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box -Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, -And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox -But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future -Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, -By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; - From Stonehenge site their bits and byte - Would ship for Celtic gold. -The movers came to crate the frame; -It weighed a million ton! -The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you -(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; -"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship - spat, What's in your brochure's pages. -"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells -"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; -"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute - Because they couldn't deliver. - -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" -% -STRATEGY: - A comprehensive plan of inaction. -% -Strategy: - A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime - after those creating it have left the organization. -% -Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. -% -Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload -and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn -the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the -"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and -implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax -and have a nice day. -% -Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all -real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an -understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. - -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -Stult's Report: - Our problems are mostly behind us. - What we have to do now is fight the solutions. -% -STUPID: - Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. -% -Stupidity is its own reward. -% -Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. -% -Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. -Se non e vero, e ben trovato. -% -Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your -editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - -- Mark Twain -% -Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the -way before it is understood. -% -Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names -the streets after them. - -- Bill Vaughn -% -Success is a journey, not a destination. -% -Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. -% -Success is in the minds of Fools. - -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 -% -Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have -made of things. - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" -% -Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. -% -Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. -% -Such a fine first dream! -But they laughed at me; they said -I had made it up. -% -Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, -when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. -% -Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, -petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. - -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts -% -Such evil deeds could religion prompt. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -Sudden Death Dating: - -Quote, female: - Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, - at this point I'll take his first name, too. -% -Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; -The deed there is, but no doer thereof; -Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; -The Path there is, but none who travel it. - -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values -% -Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. -% -Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. -% -Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. - -- Donald Kaul -% -Sum quod eris. -% -Sun in the night, everyone is together, -Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. - -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" -% -SUN Microsystems: - The Network IS the Load Average. -% -SUNSET: - Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, - resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with - progressively reducing solar elevation. -% -Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy -have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. - -- Martin Luther -% -Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? -Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of - Quantum Mechanics? -Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? -Supervisee: Yes. - -- Overheard at a supervision. -% -Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. -% -Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! -% -Support the American Kidney Foundation. -Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. -% -Support the Girl Scouts! - (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) -% -Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! - -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, - the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association -% -Support your local church or synagogue. -Worship at Bank of America. -% -Support your right to arm bears!! -% -Support your right to bare arms! - -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association -% -Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same -rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more -efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the -analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a -Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and -it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you -were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on -a pinhead. - -- Christopher Evans -% -Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. -But what if he forgets? -% -Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest -men in national government too. - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are -dishonest men in national government too. - -- Richard Nixon -% -"Surely you can't be serious." -"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." -% -Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. -% -Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! -Just type in your name and social security number. -Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: - -Name # - - -% -Surprise due today. Also the rent. -% -Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. -% -sushi, n: - When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and - strapped on with electrical tape. -% -Sushido, n: - The way of the tuna. -% -Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. - -- Wm. Shakespeare -% -Swap read error. You lose your mind. -% -SWEATER: - A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. -% -Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. - -- Thomas Tusser -% -Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, -And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". -% -Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, -whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through -the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly -I rush! - -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" -% -Swipple's Rule of Order: - He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -% -Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is - unusually pale and clear. -Problem: Glass empty. -Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. - -Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, - and the front of your shirt is wet. -Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to - wrong part of face. -Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. - Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Everything has gone dark. -Fault: The Bar is closing. -Action Required: Panic. - -Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. - You cannot see the bathroom light. -Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. -Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, - treat yourself to a lie-in. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. -Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. -Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points - toward ceiling. - -Symptom: Feet warm and wet. -Fault: Improper bladder control. -Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain - to the owner about its lack of house training and - demand a beer as compensation. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Floor blurred. -Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. -Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. - -Symptom: Floor moving. -Fault: You are being carried out. -Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, - complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Symptom: Floor swaying. -Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey - game in progress. -Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. - -Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts - and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. -Fault: You have fallen forward. -Action Required: See above. - -Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several - fluorescent light strips. -Fault: You have fallen over backward. -Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your - drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help - you get up, lash yourself to bar. - - -- Bar Troubleshooting -% -Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -System checkpoint complete. -% -System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. -% -System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. -% -System going down in 5 minutes. -% -System restarting, wait... -% -System/3! System/3! -See how it runs! See how it runs! - Its monitor loses so totally! - It runs all its programs in RPG! - It's made by our favorite monopoly! -System/3! -% -SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: - Works equally poorly on all systems. -% -Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad -infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Systems programmer: - A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior - vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you - are to receive from your boss. -% -Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - -- R.S. Barton -% -T: One big monster, he called TROLL. - He don't rock, and he don't roll; - Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. - He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -TACKY: - Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. -% -TACT: - The unsaid part of what you're thinking. -% -Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. - -- Jean Cocteau -% -Tact is the ability to tell a man he has -an open mind when he has a hole in his head. -% -Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. -% -Take a lesson from the whale; the only time -he gets speared is when he raises to spout. -% -Take an astronaut to launch. -% -Take care of the luxuries and the -necessities will take care of themselves. - -- L. Long -% -Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. - -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service -% -Take everything in stride. -Trample anyone who gets in your way. -% -TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: - Do something that should have been done a long time ago. -% -Take it easy, we're in a hurry. -% -Take me drunk, -I'm home again! -% -Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, -but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - -- Kipling -% -Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your -merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people -have given them to you. -% -Take what you can use and let the rest go by. - -- Ken Kesey -% -Take your dying with some seriousness, however. -Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood -by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Take your Senator to lunch this week. -% -Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not -take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. - -- Booth Tarkington -% -Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever -got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. - -- Rev. Jim -% -Talent does what it can. -Genius does what it must. -You do what you get paid to do. -% -Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. -% -Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - -- Euripides -% -Talkers are no good doers. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Tallulah Bankhead barged down the -Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% -Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, -Tan me hide when I'm dead. -So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, -It's hanging there on the shed. - -All together now... - Tie me kangaroo down, sport, - Tie me kangaroo down. - Tie me kangaroo down, sport, - Tie me kangaroo down. -% -Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey -will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. - -- B. Franklin -% -TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination - and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull - headed. You are a Communist. -% -TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) - Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will - find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance - highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. -% -TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) - Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, - because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will - decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. -% -TAX OFFICE: - Den of inequity. -% -Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't -tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." - -- Russell Long -% -TAXES: - Of life's two certainties, - the only one for which you can get an extension. -% -Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. -% -TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: - -Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. -Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think -of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. - -"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." - -- Dave Mills -% -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, -when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. -% -Teachers have class. -% -TEAMWORK: - Having someone to blame. -% -Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. -% -Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for -slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: -"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the -head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other -side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by -instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did -not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that -being only an inference. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow -is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see -before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw -this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole -being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to -work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes -itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I -slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the -difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. -I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for -a moment and then log off. -% -Technological progress has merely provided us -with more efficient means for going backwards. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. -% -Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. - -- Geoffrey Chaucer -% -Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before -you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew -but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't -already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. - -- Erma Bombeck -% -telephone, n.: - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of -making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -TELEPRESSION: - The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try - hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the - burden on the directory assistant. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. - -- Ernie Kovacs -% -Television -- the longest amateur night in history. - -- Robert Carson -% -Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. - -- Alfred Hitchcock -% -Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than -each other. - -- Ann Landers -% -Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. - -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs -% -Television is now so desperately hungry for material -that it is scraping the top of the barrel. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Television only proves that people will look at anything -- -rather than each other. -% -Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll -believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have -to touch to be sure. -% -Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, -Is those things arms, or is they legs? -I marvel at thee, Octopus; -If I were thou, I'd call me us. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Tell me what to think!!! -% -Tell me why the stars do shine, -Tell me why the ivy twines, -Tell me why the sky's so blue, -And I will tell you just why I love you. - - Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, - Phototropism makes ivy twine, - Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, - Sexual hormones are why I love you. -% -Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally -promoting a falsehood, isn't it? - -- A. Hope -% -Tempt me with a spoon! -% -Tempt not a desperate man. - -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" -% -Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to -shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. - When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his -entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven -showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of -his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. -Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and -handed the others to Dutsky. - "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." -% -Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to -shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. - When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his -entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a -seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out -of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a -word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket -and handed the others to Dutsky. - "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." -% -Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. - -- Napoleon I -% -Ten years of rejection slips is nature's -way of telling you to stop writing. - -- R. Geis -% -Terence, this is stupid stuff: -You eat your victuals fast enough; -There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, -To see the rate you drink your beer. -But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, -It gives a chap the belly-ache. -The cow, the old cow, she is dead; -It sleeps well the horned head: -We poor lads, 'tis our turn now -To hear such tunes as killed the cow. -Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme -Your friends to death before their time. -Moping, melancholy mad: -Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. - -- A.E. Housman -% -Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave -school, and then work, work, work till we die. - -- C.S. Lewis -% -Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising -amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered -the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling -to risk offending God's grandmother. - -- Len Cool, "American Pie" -% -Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, -and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about -his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the -sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). -This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: - "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it - is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it - is impossible." -Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of -philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" - [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] -% -Test for paraquat: - Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's - of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, - leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium - bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, - the solution will turn blue-green. -% -Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. -% -TEUTONIC: - Not enough gin. -% -TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this -century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in -terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. - -- Gordon Bell -% -Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean -of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. -"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the -unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter -the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he -told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", -the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. -"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and -called you from here." -% -Texas is Hell on woman and horses. - -- Wayne Oakes -% -Thank you for observing all safety precautions. -% -That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. - -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" -% -That does not compute. -% -That feeling just came over me. - -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" -% -That government is best which governs least. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" -% -That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, -that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love -in the same way as us. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -That money talks, -I'll not deny, -I heard it once, -It said "Good-bye. - -- Richard Armour -% -That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. - -- Moliere -% -That segment of the community with which one has the greatest -sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most -narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. -% -That that is is that that is not is not. -% -That, that is, is. -That, that is not, is not. -That, that is, is not that, that is not. -That, that is not, is not that, that is. -% -...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by -the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on -hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. -A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the -liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the -REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... - -- Linden and Wihelminalaan -% -That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. -% -That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is -remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not -write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. - -- Heine -% -That's always the way when you discover -something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. - -- Evelyn E. Smith -% -That's life. - What's life? -A magazine. - How much does it cost? -Two-fifty. - I only have a dollar. -That's life. -% -That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone -who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that -thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that -thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. - -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" -% -"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be -omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -That's no moon... - -- Obi-wan Kenobi -% -That's odd. That's very odd. -Wouldn't you say that's very odd? -% -That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -That's the most fun I've had without laughing. - -- Woody Allen, on sex -% -That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they -really hate is lousy programmers. - -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" -% -That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows -returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. - -- Bill Veeck -% -That's what she said. -% -That's where the money was. - -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank - -It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. - -- Willie Sutton -% -The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. - "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. - "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, -"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." - -- Lewis Carroll -% -The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. - -- R.B. Greenberg -% -The 357.73 Theory -- - Auditors always reject expense accounts - with a bottom line divisible by 5. -% -The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. -% -The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. -Don't ever do this to my eyes again. - -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College -% -The Abrams' Principle: - The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. -% -The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. - -- T. Cheatham -% -The absent ones are always at fault. -% -The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. - -- A. Camus -% -The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. - -- Clifton Fadiman -% -The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither -hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that -makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain -undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely -anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. - -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 -% -The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one -does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. - -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" -% -The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that -he is already degraded. - -- George Orwell -% -The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex -facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. - -- Whitehead. -% -The alarm clock that is louder than God's own -belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. -% -The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. -For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. - -- Bart Miller -% -The all-softening overpowering knell, -The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. - -- Lord Byron -% -The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see -fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. - -- Winston Churchill, 1942 -% -The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends -to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. - -Film at 11:00. -% -The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the -eagle -- on the back of a dollar. - -- Finlay Peter Dunne -% -The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, -call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great -opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. - -- Al Capone -% -The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the -pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. -% -The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured -in billigrahams. -% -The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns -just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. - -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer -% -The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists -of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown -Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, -even better, nobody has to play it. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: - I don't mind... and you don't matter. - - -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana -% -The Angels want to wear my red shoes. - -- E. Costello -% -The anger of a woman is the greatest evil -with which you can threaten your enemies. - -- Bonnard -% -The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from -sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. - --Salvador De Madariaga -% -The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. - -- Albertano of Brescia -% -The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither -doctors nor lawyers. - -- L. Docquier -% -The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in -session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, -advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of -publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- -giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, -we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of -book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the -field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- -ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be -very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- -lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for -courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., -[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been -arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right -time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially -for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as -then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- - Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, - And dare not stray to ideas new, - For if t'were tried they might e'en work - And for a living what woulds't we do? -% -The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... - - Four day work week, - Two ply toilet paper! -% -The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was -released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, -Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. -% -The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go -and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. -All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. -"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows -their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. -Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how -the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need -logs to multiply." -% -The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will -never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive -and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read -through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. - -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer -% -The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. -Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed -and color, but also on ability. - -- T. Lehrer -% -The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. - -- Bill Murray -% -The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in -effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the -Declaration not for that, but for future use. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that -Jupiter can have no satellites: - - There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two -eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two -unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. -From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven -metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number -of planets is necessarily seven. [...] - Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and -therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless -and therefore do not exist. -% -The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. -% -The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she -knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. - -- Ladies' Home Journal -% -The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in -the morning feeling just terrible. - -- Jean Kerr -% -The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. -% -The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling -a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. -% -The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. -% -The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from -one graveyard to another. - -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" -% -The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain -disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help -feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is -their father. - -- Mencken -% -The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned -into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. - -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" -% -The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that -carries any reward. - -- John Maynard Keynes -% -The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn, -Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn, -And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone, - It's just, just one of those, one of those days, - Just one of those, one of those days - -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" -% -The bank sent our statement this morning, -The red ink was a sight of great awe! -Their figures and mine might have balanced, -But my wife was too quick on the draw. -% -The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. -Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to -park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also -dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big -difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to -do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. -I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup -truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" -on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the -accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, -whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall -parking lots. - -- Dave Barry -% -The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd -And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; -The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth -And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. -These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -THE BEATLES: - Paul McCartney's old back-up band. -% -The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. -% -The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. - -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike - - [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I - believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only - Memory". Ed.] -% -The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. - -- Maurice Baring -% -The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; -but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -% -The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, - live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. -Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, - live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. -The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, - live with a British wife, and eat American food. - - --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine -% -The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - -- W.C. Fields -% -The best defense against logic is ignorance. -% -The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- -but doesn't. - -- Tom Crichton -% -The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. - -- Scotty -% -The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. -However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours -by judging things by their price. -% -The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do -what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with -them while they do it. - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. -% -The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. - -- Blair -% -The best man for the job is often a woman. -% -The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good -head waiter. - -- Nubar Gulbenkian -% -The best portion of a good man's life, his little, -nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. - -- Wordsworth -% -The best prophet of the future is the past. -% -The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the -redoubtable John W. Campbell: - - The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the - people who were ever born in the history of the world are now - dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is - being read by a corpse. -% -The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and -fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are -drifting side by side to our common doom. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected -company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. -% -The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. -% -The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. -% -The best things in life are for a fee. -% -The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. -% -The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. -% -The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." -% -The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. -% -The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. -% -The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to -smoke is a right worth dying for. -% -The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around -scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but -when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward -way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. -Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't -work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. - -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler -% -The best you get is an even break. - -- Franklin Adams -% -The better part of valor is discretion. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. -To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. - -- Nietzsche -% -The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments -to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. -It's just that they need more supervision. -% -The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could -never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The Bible on letters of reference: - - Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do -we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? -No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any -man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. - -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation -% -The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. - -- Nora Ephron -% -The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen -and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like -women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any -more at twenty-one than you did at ten. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted -themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate -this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are -hungry all the time? -% -The bigger they are, the harder they hit. -% -The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. - -- Merrick Furst -% -The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are -working for someone else. -% -The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has -occurred. -% -The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... -and the bird is on the wing. - -- Omar Khayyam -% -The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals -because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage -and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in -Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens -of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage -containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist -put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels -of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." -% -The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. -% -The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. - -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project -% -The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first -half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and -pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who -hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice -for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time -during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it -but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. - -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The boy stood on the burning deck, -Eating peanuts by the peck. -His father called him, but he could not go, -For he loved those peanuts so. -% -The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment -you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. -% -The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: - To determine how long it will take to write and debug a - program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add - one, and convert to the next higher units. -% -The British are coming! The British are coming! -% -The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing -and humiliating reality. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a -digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top -of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean -the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only -the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. - -- Kay Bostic -% -The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State -Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George -Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his -time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last -Days of Pompeii." - -Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, -beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord -Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," -written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: - - It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except - at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of - wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene - lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty - flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. -% -The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better -people, and don't come in clearly enough. - -- Bill Maher -% -The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted -sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first -time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve -into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent -with Basil. - -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The carbonyl is polarized, -The delta end is plus. -The nucleophile will thus attack, -The carbon nucleus. -Addition makes an alcohol, -Of types there are but three. -It makes a bond, to correspond, -From C to shining C. - -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" -% -The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. - -- Herbert von Fritzlar -% -The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. -% -The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and -sometimes three. - -- Alexandre Dumas -% -The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up -at the steam fitters picnic. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. - -- Eric Sevareid -% -The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense - -- Picasso -% -The church is near but the road is icy, -the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. - -- Russian Proverb -% -The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, -specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of -rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... -% -The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. -% -The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. - -- John Muir -% -The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; -the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a -military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and -private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; -and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes -who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. - -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" -% -The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. -% -The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a -job application. -% -The closest to perfection a person ever comes -is when he fills out a job application form. - -- Stanley J. Randall -% -The clothes have no emperor. - -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. -% -The coast was clear. - -- Lope de Vega -% -The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his -intellectual nakedness. - -- Robert M. Hutchins -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser - lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most - embarrassing manner. -2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to - be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this - earthly vale of tears. -3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon - which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift - thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like - a radiator too. -4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional - shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely - unbelievers. -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the - measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate - both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company - property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has - one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. -6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, - for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring - the fury of the engineers on his head. -7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy - friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling - her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. -8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, - for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in - thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker - sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. -% -The Commandments of the EE: - -9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou - commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be - frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. -10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are - written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, - and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when - thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. -11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or - unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better - that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than - experimentally determine the electrical potential of an - innocent-seeming device. -% -The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. -% -The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of -entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and -50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into -the 80's. - -- Marty Winston -% -The computer is to the information industry roughly what the -central power station is to the electrical industry. - -- Peter Drucker -% -The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - -- Alan Perlis -% -The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been -defined several times by examples of what it is not. -% -The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems -and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting -language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best -dangerous. - -- Bjarne Stroustrup -% -The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better -than what we've got! -% -The control of the production of wealth -is the control of human life itself. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% -The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is -none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." -Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. -Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get -you talked about. - -- Lazarus Long -% -The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! -% -The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. - -- W.C. Fields -% -The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. -% -The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. -% -The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first -female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, -rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what -would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my -career. - -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The course of true anything never does run smooth. - -- Samuel Butler -% -The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the -judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. -Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and -ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. - "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a -father!" -% -The covers of this book are too far apart. - -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. -% -The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. - -- John McNulty -% -The Crown is full of it! - -- Nate Harris, 1775 -% -The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore -be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be -propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war -and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, -assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark -of all our rights and privileges. - -- William Ellery Channing - -% -The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the -words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. - -- Susan Dooley -% -The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. - -- Andy Purshottam -% -The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch -a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! -% -The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. -Every class is unfit to govern. - -- Lord Acton -% -The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of -plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... -Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not -be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides -agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at -nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal -that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine -years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. - -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks -% -The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, -and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. - -- H.D. Thoreau -% -The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being -as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of -the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the -dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with -this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine -doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. -% -The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction -to a tedious book. -% -The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us -who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie -Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. -% -The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? -% -The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. -% -The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the -Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". -% -The degree of civilization in a society -can be judged by entering its prisons. - -- F. Dostoyevski -% -The degree of technical confidence is inversely -proportional to the level of management. -% -The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older -people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. - -- Logan Pearsall Smith -% -The departing division general manager met a last time with his young -successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, -and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign -of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the -second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. -Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes -into a drawer. - Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the -young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." - The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The -crisis passed. - Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured -manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." - He held another press conference, announcing that the division -would be restructured. The crisis passed. - A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was -blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank -into his chair, and opened the third envelope. - "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. -% -The descent to Hades is the same from every place. - -- Anaxagoras -% -The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. -% -The devil finds work for idle glands. -% -The die is cast. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. -% -The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. -% -The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is -exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. - -- Mark Twain -% -The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into -the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, -it would be a calamity. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 -miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. -% -The difference between art and science is that science is what we -understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" -% -The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is -thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia -is thinking that they're conspiring. - -- J. Kegler -% -The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're -called. Cats take a message and get back to you. -% -The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -% -The difference between legal separation and divorce is -that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. -% -The difference between reality and unreality -is that reality has so little to recommend it. - -- Allan Sherman -% -The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science -requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: -Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a -rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when -swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. - -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" -% -The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When -you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you -swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is -sentimentality. - -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" -% -The difference between the right word and the almost right word -is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. - -- Mark Twain -% -The difference between this place and yogurt -is that yogurt has a live culture. -% -The difference between us is not very far, -cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. -% -The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. - -- T.K. -% -The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. -% -The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in -the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians -work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. - -- Russell Baker -% -The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. -% -The disks are getting full; purge a file today. -% -The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; -naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -The distinction between true and false appears to become -increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. - -- Arne Tiselius -% -The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in -the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, -and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. - -- John Adams -% -The door is the key. -% -The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off -this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next -hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, -the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned -it to his master. - "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. - "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -% -The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance -of the woman. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. -% -The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. -% -The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late -and owns the worm farm. - -- Travis McGee -% -The early worm gets the bird. -% -The early worm gets the late bird. -% -The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. -% -"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly -teaches me to suspect that my own is also." - -"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it -or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his -hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. -But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a -valuable possession to him." - -"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good -end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order -to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall -have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable -enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him -roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews -would tire of the spectacle eventually." - -- Mark Twain -% -The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it -*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. - -- Mel Brooks -% -The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. -% -The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed -to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the -Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the -first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect -that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking -over the post of robotics correspondent. - Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that -had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in -the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the -wall when the revolution came'. -% -The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. - -- Buckminster Fuller -% -The end of labor is to gain leisure. -% -The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, -with symposium to follow. -% -The ends justify the means. - -- after Matthew Prior -% -The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind -of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation -of these atoms is talking moonshine. - -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for - the first time -% -The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable -in full pursuit of the uneatable. - -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" -% -The English have no respect for their language, -and will not teach their children to speak it. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -The English instinctively admire any man -who has no talent and is modest about it. - -- James Agate, British film and drama critic -% -The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic -purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took -place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year -before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from -all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often -result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, -relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a -Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. - - A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." - "What kind of family do you come from?" - "A rich, Jewish family." - "And your wife?" - "A German aristocrat." - "Have you ever been to the West?" - "I spent most of my life in England." - "How did you make a living there?" - "A friend supported me." - "Where did you get the money from?" - "He owned a textile factory." - "Who was Lenin?" - "Never heard of him." - "What is your name?" - "Karl Marx." -% -[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, -practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican - presidential aspirant. -% -The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute -for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is -a substitute for intelligence. - -- Lyman Bryson -% -The eternal feminine draws us upward. - -- Goethe -% -The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. - -- Anne Boleyn -% -The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions -is the most likely to be correct. - -- William of Occam -% -The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, -the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its -own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god -of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god -of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together -what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas -everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and -so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes -in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. - -- Chuang Tzu -% -The eyes of taxes are upon you. -% -The eyes of Texas are upon you, -All the livelong day; -The eyes of Texas are upon you, -You cannot get away; -Do not think you can escape them -From night 'til early in the morn; -The eyes of Texas are upon you -'Til Gabriel blows his horn. - -- University of Texas' school song -% -The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not -utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, -a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. - -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 -% -The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics -in general as no other can. - -- Wilhelm Reich -% -The fact that it works is immaterial. - -- L. Ogborn -% -The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily -endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or -compassion. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. -% -The farther you go, the less you know. - -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" -% -The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. - -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" -% -The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept -outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to -say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, -so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists -so long as they are Tories. - -- Christopher Booker -% -The faster I go, the behinder I get. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -The Fastest Defeat In Chess - The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess -master. - In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a -Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so -chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort -of their own homes. - Lazard was black and Gibaud white: - 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 - 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 - 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 - 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ - White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve -either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a -business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the -lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes -of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, - "Whaddaya want?" - "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. - "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." -% -The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer -and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown -suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, -I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not -dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the -quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, -and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural -for them to despise science fiction. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" -% -The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he -wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. - "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to -you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made -the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play -center at Notre Dame." - "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five -times." -% -"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his -supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, -anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their -husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism -and become lesbians." -% -The Fifth Rule: - You have taken yourself too seriously. -% -The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. - -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" -% -The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. -% -The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is -the Bible. - -- John Quincy Adams - -All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; -but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable -to man are contained in it. - -- Abraham Lincoln - -... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of -life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only -guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. - -- Woodrow Wilson -% -The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - -- Abbie Hoffman -% -The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King -Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic -death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. -Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, -complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his -breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's -death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's -relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some -were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A -few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants -unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have -thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of -grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas -Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and -the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely -accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant -of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's -enemies, and revamp the postal system. - -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" -% -The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? - -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist -% -The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. -Understand? - -- Joey Glimco -% -The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half -by our children. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, -and the second the triumph of hope over experience. -% -The first myth of management is that it exists. -% -The first requisite for immortality is death. - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, -was propounded to me by my father: - - "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" -I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. - "A herring," said my father. - "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" - "So hang it there." - "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. - "Paint it." - "But a herring isn't wet." - "If it's just painted it's still wet." - "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, - "a herring doesn't whistle!!" - "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." - -- Leo Rosten -% -The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." - -- H.L. Mencken -% -The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - -- Paul Erlich -% -The First Rule of Program Optimization: - Don't do it. - -The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): - Don't do it yet. - -- Michael Jackson -% -The first thing I do in the morning -is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV -% -The first version always gets thrown away. -% -The five rules of Socialism: - - 1. Don't think. - 2. If you do think, don't speak. - 3. If you think and speak, don't write. - 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. - 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. - - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% -...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. -% -The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" -% -The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. - -- Alan Coult -% -The following statement is not true. -The previous statement is true. -% -The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: - - 1. You can't push on a string. - 2. Ain't no free lunches. - 3. Them as has, gets. - 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. -% -The Force is what holds everything together. -It has its dark side, and it has its light side. -It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. -% -The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money -completely surrounded by people who want some. - -- Dwight MacDonald -% -The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe -because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons -rests on mutual help. - -- Laukikanyay. -% -The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions -and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. -% -The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused -received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. -% -The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair -trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. -% -The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip -objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air -due to levitation. - Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur -if the character does not have fire resistance. - -- README file from the NetHack game -% -[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the -number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. -% -The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend -of both parties tactfully interferes. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, -but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. - -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist -% -The future is a myth created by insurance -salesmen and high school counselors. -% -The future is a race between education and catastrophe. - -- H.G. Wells -% -The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) -% -The future lies ahead. -% -The future not being born, my friend, -we will abstain from baptizing it. - -- George Meredith -% -The garden is in mourning; -The rain falls cool among the flowers. -Summer shivers quietly -On its way towards its end. - -Golden leaf after leaf -Falls from the tall acacia. -Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, -In this dying dream of a garden. - -For a long while, yet, in the roses, -She will linger on, yearning for peace, -And slowly -Close her weary eyes. - -- Hermann Hesse, "September" -% -The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -% -The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the -people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people -drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. - -- Gore Vidal -% -The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. -% -The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. -% -The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even -remember her first husband. -% -The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. -% -The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. - -- Sophia Loren -% -The glances over cocktails -That seemed to be so sweet -Don't seem quite so amorous -Over Shredded Wheat -% -The goal of Computer Science is to build something -that will at least last until we've finished building it. -% -The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. -The goal of nature is to build better mice. -% -The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. -They gave him love and he invented marriage. -% -The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it -is your move. - -- Frank Crane -% -The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: - He who has the gold makes the rules. -% -The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got -to be good. - -- John Barrymore -% -The good (I am convinced, for one) -Is but the bad one leaves undone. -Once your reputation's done -You can live a life of fun. - -- Wilhelm Busch -% -The good life was so elusive -It really got me down -I had to regain some confidence -So I got into camouflage -% -The good time is approaching, -The season is at hand. -When the merry click of the two-base lick -Will be heard throughout the land. -The frost still lingers on the earth, and -Budless are the trees. -But the merry ring of the voice of spring -Is borne upon the breeze. - -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 -% -The Gordian Maxim: -If a string has one end, it has another. -% -The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out -to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work -and they can't fire it. -% -The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. -Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people -and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. -% -The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the -Christian Religion - -- George Washington -% -The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, -with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the -fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent -for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, -"Send Lord Combermere." - "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord -Combermere a fool." - "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." - -- G.W.E. Russell -% -The goys have proven the following theorem... - -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom - lecture. -% -The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. -% -The grave's a fine and private place, -but none, I think, do there embrace. - -- Andrew Marvell -% -The graveyards are full of indispensable men. - -- Charles de Gaulle -% -The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: - The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, - his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. - Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of - time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp - Hedgehog Eater. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. - -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* -With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. - -- Tea with a Kick (1924) - -Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! -GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! - -- The Wild Party (1929) - -YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! -DIX -- the dashing soldier! - DIX -- the bold adventurer! - DIX -- the throbbing lover! - -- The Wheel of Life (1929) - -SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE -SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! - -- The Night is Young (1934) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an -unimaginable hell. - -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) - -NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! - -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) - -LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF -SLAUGHTER! - -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) - -The family that slays together stays together. - -- Bloody Mama (1970) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! - -- Squirm (1976) - -Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. -This Is One of Everlasting Torment! - -- The New House on the Left (1977) - -WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! - -- Zombie (1980) - -It's not human and it's got an axe. - -- The Prey (1981) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! -SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! -... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! - -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) - -An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! - -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) - -WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... -RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! -Alone, only a harmless pet... - One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! - -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) - -They're Over-Exposed -But Not Under-Developed! - -- Cover Girl Models (1976) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! - -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) - -Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? -Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. - -- Untamed Mistress (1960) - -NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE -FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! - -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! - -- The Cycle Savages (1969) - -The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! - - -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) - -TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! - -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) - -They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! - -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl -of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear -you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! - -- Spitfire (1934) - -Do Native Women Live With Apes? - -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) - -JUNGLE KISS!! - When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she -was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- -she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic -spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she -was a girl in love! - SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! - -- Her Jungle Love (1938) - -LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! - -- Intermezzo (1939) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! - -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) - -She Sins in Mobile -- -Marries in Houston -- -Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- -Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- -MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... -FIRST -- HARLOW! -THEN -- MONROE! -NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! - -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan - -*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! -A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... -1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! - -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: - The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and - Became Mixed Up Zombies) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! --- DANCING CALLED GO-GO --- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU --- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! --- FIRES OF PUBERTY! - SEE the burning of a virgin! - SEE power of witch doctor over women! - SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! - -- Kwaheri (1965) - -The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! - -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) - -AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- -A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! - The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to -give you the wim-wams! - -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! -SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! -SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! - -- Sweet and Savage (1983) - -What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! - -- Stroker Ace (1983) - -It's always better when you come again! - -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) - -You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! - -- Pieces (1983) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog -on a roaring rampage of revenge! - -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) - -WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB -SAUSAGES? - -- Meat is Meat (1972) - -TODAY the Pond! -TOMORROW the World! - -- Frogs (1972) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! - -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) - -CAST OF 3,000! -4 WRITERS, -2 DIRECTORS, -3 CAMERAMEN, -3 PRODUCERS! -1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- -24 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- -20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! - BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! - AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! -THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! -Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: - HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! - -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the - Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! - -- Bwana Devil (1952) - -OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! -Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of -the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the -Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! - SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! - -- Robot Monster (1953) - -1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, -802 scared bulls! - -- The Egyptian (1954) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing -horror on a screaming world! - -- The Crawling Eye (1958) - -SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, -giant desires! - -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) - -Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. -What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? -Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... - -- The Desperate Women (1958) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! -SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! - -- The Golden Mistress (1954) - -See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! - -- The French Line (1954) - -See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! - -- Hot Blood (1956) -% -The Great Movie Posters: - -When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make -Friends... - -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) - -Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! - -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) - -A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS -OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. - -- A Taste of Blood (1967) -% -The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations -like prostitutes. - -- Stanley Kubrick -% -The great question that has never been answered and which I have not -yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the -feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? - -- Sigmund Freud -% -The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. -At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have -answered themselves. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers -is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. -% -The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. - -- Sophocles -% -The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them -before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see -the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp -their wives and daughters to his arms. - -- Genghis Khan -% -The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. - -- Polish proverb -% -The Greatest Mathematical Error - The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 -July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would -give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells -would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course -corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, -scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. - However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I -plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. - Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from -the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch -spokesman said. - This minus sign cost L4,280,000. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. -% -The greatest productive force is human selfishness. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -The greatest remedy for anger is delay. -% -The groundhog is like most other prophets; -it delivers its message and then disappears. -% -The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. - -- Galbraith -% -The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -The hardest part of climbing the ladder of -success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. -% -The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when -you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. -% -The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty -deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the -author's name on the title page. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 -% -The hatred of relatives is the most violent. - -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) -% -The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality -of functions performed by private citizens. - -- Alexis de Tocqueville -% -The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom -whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. -% -The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -The heart is wiser than the intellect. -% -...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. -% -The heaviest object in the world is the -body of the woman you have ceased to love. - -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues -% -The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: - You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -% -"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" -% -The help people need most urgently is -help in admitting that they need help. -% -The herd instinct among economists -makes sheep look like independent thinkers. -% -The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, -challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that -keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents -itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb -of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, -is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of -adventurous youth. - -- Benjamin Cardozo -% -The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. - -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" -% -The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through -three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and -Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For -instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we -eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we -have lunch?". - -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases -are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: - -Retribution: - I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. -Anticipation: - I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. -Diplomacy: - I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the - pretext that your brother did it. -% -The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." - -- Johnny Carson -% -The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease -to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. - -- Helen Rowland -% -The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and -she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. - -- Bill Lawrence -% -The horror... the horror! -% -The human animal differs from the lesser -primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". - -- H. Allen Smith -% -The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment -you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. - -- Sir George Jessel -% -The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of -its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. -% -The human mind treats a new idea the way the -body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - -- P. Medawar -% -The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. -Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave -its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to -us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the -facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a -certain degree of awe. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - -- Mark Twain -% -The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. - -- David Gerrold -% -The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons -that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. - -- Leo J. Burke -% -The IBM 2250 is impressive ... -if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. - -- D. Cohen -% -The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". - -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" -% -The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given -tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than -it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). - -- Doug Gwyn -% -The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, -no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. - -- Harry V. Wade -% -The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they -are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally -understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. - -- John Maynard Keyes -% -The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. -% -The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. - -- Quintus Ennius -% -The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: - A program is a lot like a nose: - Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. -% -The important thing is not to stop questioning. -% -The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. -% -The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than -golf has. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important -point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly -important thing to people. - -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King -% -The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is -a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; -the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - -- Churchill -% -The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And -there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a -pointer and a mark. - -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" -% -The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling -the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without -affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new -style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into -manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and -constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by -overturning everything. - -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. -% -The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of -the group divided by the number of people in the group. -% -The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They -treat the Arabs like postmen. - -- Franklyn Ajaye -% -The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, -knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the -Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. - "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The -good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's -still in." -% -"The jig's up, Elman." -"Which jig?" - -- Jeff Elman -% -The Junior God now heads the roll -In the list of heaven's peers; -He sits in the House of High Control, -And he regulates the spheres. -Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, -If, even in gods divine, -The best and wisest may not be those -Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? - -- R.W. Service -% -The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable -debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been -revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor -quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the -resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the -workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? -Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but -to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not -hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the -nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate -goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the -drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. - -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The - Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," - Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. - 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. -% -The Kennedy Constant: - Don't get mad -- get even. -% -The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. - -- L. Zadeh -% -The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal -an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's -advantage to see the truth. - -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer -% -The Killer Ducks are coming!!! -% -The kind of danger people most enjoy is -the kind they can watch from a safe place. -% -The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: - -King: "How goes the battle plan?" -Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" -K: "Yes." -A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running - to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till - the dust clears." -K: "And?" -A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." -K: "But what about the -^#!!$% battle plan?" -A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." -% -The knowledge that makes us cherish -innocence makes innocence unattainable. - -- Irving Howe -% -The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is -the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free -world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher -dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person -per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill -really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and -drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. -I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. -And now, just look at me." -% -The ladies men admire, I've heard, -Would shudder at a wicked word. -Their candle gives a single light; -They'd rather stay at home at night. -They do not keep awake till three, -Nor read erotic poetry. -They never sanction the impure, -Nor recognize an overture. -They shrink from powders and from paints... -So far, I've had no complaints. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. -Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. - -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 -% -The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for -everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. -% -The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible -for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is -fired. -% -The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. -% -The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own -hand. - -- Fred Allen -% -The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word -processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." - -- Roy Blount, Jr. -% -The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. - -- Governor Tarkin -% -The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, -to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - -- Anatole France -% -The Law of Probable Dispersal: - That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -% -The Law of the Letter: - The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. -% -The Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. -% -The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men -should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal -weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine -we own. - -- H.G. Wells -% -The Least Perceptive Literary Critic - The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A -most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to -give a public reading of his latest poem. - Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord -Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. -Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." - Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable -and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark -the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better -turn." - After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. -Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the -lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on -Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation -on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him -much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." - Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem -exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of -their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can -be better." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Animal Rescue - The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal -rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over -emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly -lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a -tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. -So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off -later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Collector - Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She -was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had -amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the -works of Shakespeare. - One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond -legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The -remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. - The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned -the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the -French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Defrosting Device - The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster -whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. - "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips -got stuck fast." - While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he -was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. - "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... -muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. - He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until -constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot -Lips". - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement - In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish -Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality -legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay -enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for -men and women. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Executions - History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. -The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were -made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope -snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he -and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital -punishment, he was reprieved. - The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who -tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each -occasion failed to get the trap door open. - In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted -Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated -to America and lived until 1933. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Least Successful Police Dogs - America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking -schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida -in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or -offend the criminal classes. - His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up -and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." - The British contenders in this category, however, took things a -stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug -raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in -1967. - While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they -patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the -fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at -him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. - -- Kin Hubbard -% -The less time planning, the more time programming. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE - - SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming -Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College -for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write -code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, -END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a -syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving -the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, -frustrating process of testing and debugging. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP - - This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San -Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; -users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing -lithtth. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL - - SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. -Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, -SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- -three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals -while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers -often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL - - VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the -industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. -Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other -operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are -accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: - - LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START - IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND - GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND - VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 - THEN - FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 - DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) - SURE - LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE - GOTO THE MALL - - VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For -example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the -message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY -AWESOME! -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO - - Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO -DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include -SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy -graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as -it travels across the screen. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE - - Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely -unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. -Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE -programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- - - This language was named for the grade received by its creator when -he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is -best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language -generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute -a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH - - FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types -refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to -FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands -refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, -VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. - The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and -financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and -LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, -RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. -% -THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK - - LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for -T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more -intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. - The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs -while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, -since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. - Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a -gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to -syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. -% -The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -The life which is unexamined is not worth living. - -- Plato -% -The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. -% -The lion and the calf shall lie down -together but the calf won't get much sleep. - -- Woody Allen -% -The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. -She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. - -- DeGourmont -% -The little pieces of my life I give to you, -with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. -% -The little town that time forgot, -Where all the women are strong, -The men are good-looking, -And the children above-average. - -- Prairie Home Companion -% -The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his -door with a basket of kittens. - "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" - "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. -Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little -girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. - "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. - "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. - "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. - "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." -% -The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, -for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be -simply making a limiting statement about himself. - -- Sidney Harris -% -The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The longer the title, the less important the job. -% -The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. - -- Marcus Terentius Varro -% -The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we -could grab as much as we could with both of them. - -- Major Major's father -% -The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. -Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. -% -The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes -so many of them. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of -the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at -her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic -Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my -steel through your last meal!' - -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. -% -The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, -Are of imagination all compact... - -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" -% -The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. -% -The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. - -- Kevin Cowherd -% -The major advances in civilization are processes -that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. - -- A.N. Whitehead -% -The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the -bonds will eventually mature. -% -The major sin is the sin of being born. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play -the violin. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. -The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of -consistency. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The makers may make, -And the users may use, -But the fixers must fix -With but minimal clues. -% -The man she had was kind and clean -And well enough for every day, -But oh, dear friends, you should have seen -The one that got away. - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" -% -The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner - The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is -Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost -invented it. - In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an -American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. - The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. -After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze --- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. - "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the -point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves -the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is -not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved -that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and -sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. -The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever -been. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% -The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. - -- Menander -% -The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. - -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" -% -The man who runs may fight again. - -- Menander -% -The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount -Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. - -- Old Japanese proverb -% -The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that -will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - -- Mark Twain -% -The man who understands one woman is -qualified to understand pretty well everything. - -- Yeats -% -The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has -to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" - -- Will Rogers - -The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. - -- Vice President John Nance Garner -% -The Marines: - The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. -% -The Marines: - The few, the proud, the not very bright. -% -The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning -wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. - -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" -% -The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, -while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. - -- Wilhelm Stekel -% -The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice -and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the -master calls a butterfly. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of -husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism -are one, and that one is marxism. - -- Heidi Hartmann, - "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" -% -The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! -% -The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a -soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car -which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. -% -The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. - -- Bulwer -% -The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. -% -The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, -always end up on their ends without any means. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. -Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." -% -The meek don't want it. -% -The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that -time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. - -- J.P. Getty -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. -% -The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. -% -The meek shall inherit the Earth. -(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) -% -The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. -% -The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two -chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - -- Carl Jung -% -[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be -undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful -for impotency. - -- W. Churchill -% -The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, - "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." - "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" - "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" -% -The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. -% -The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another -mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same -being who produces the impressions. - -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade -% -The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be -general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that -any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby -not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library -Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer -Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its -predictive power. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems - Thinking" -% -The Modelski Chain Rule: -1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your - head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your - Hewlett-Packard. -2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly - bright-looking individual. -3: Procure a large chain. -4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely - with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. - Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound - thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. -% -"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of -themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become -of the bicuspids?" - -- The Old Man and his Bridge -% -The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. - -- Nicol Williamson -% -The moon is made of green cheese. - -- John Heywood -% -The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. -% -The Moral Majority is neither. -% -The more complex the mind, the greater -the need for the simplicity of play. - -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" -% -The more control, the more that requires control. -% -The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater -the odds that the competition already has the order. -% -The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. -% -The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the -lower the mailing cost. - -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The more I know men the more I like my horse. -% -The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. - -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 -% -The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -The more laws and order are made prominent, -the more thieves and robbers there will be. - -- Lao Tsu -% -The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For -instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, -contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) -% -The more the merrier. - -- John Heywood -% -The more they over-think the plumbing -the easier it is to stop up the drain. -% -The more things change, the more they remain the same. - -- Alphonse Karr -% -The more things change, the more they stay insane. -% -The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. -% -The more we disagree, the more chance -there is that at least one of us is right. -% -The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. -% -The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. -% -The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. -First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, -three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. -% -The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. -% -The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. -% -The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to -exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but -rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and -flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst -have the good fortune to find one. - -- Carlyle -% -The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common -family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number -of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? - -- Derek Wills -% -The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately -in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -The most dangerous food is wedding cake. - -- American proverb -% -The most dangerous organization in America today is: - - a) The KKK - b) The American Nazi Party - c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club -% -The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in -the country is the one on which you resell it. - -- J. Brecheux -% -The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS -is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. -% -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a -thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. - -- T.H. White -% -The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. -% -The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does -not approach what your best friends say behind your back. - -- Alfred De Musset -% -The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new -discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." - -- Isaac Asimov -% -The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a -ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last -it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal -woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, -the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the -bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold -in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, -starts a long, long time before the event. - -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", - from "Congress Eate It Up" -% -...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: -freshman English at a Midwestern university. - -- Tom Wolfe -% -The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union -of a deaf man to a blind woman. - -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge -% -The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. -% -The most important early product on the way -to developing a good product is an imperfect version. -% -The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating -people to approach printed matter with distrust. -% -The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman -is that one of them be good at taking orders. - -- Linda Festa -% -The most important things, each person must do for himself. -% -The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" -% -The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national -conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the -participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national -organization. - The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national -organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The -orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you -know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had -every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. - But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* -New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. - A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The -Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the -weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, -a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body -with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the -Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly -white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or -so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution -or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real -possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying -lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their -demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their -astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed -an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the -radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of -existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion -and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and -broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" - -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 -% -The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she -served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never -been found. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the -biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to -them were fishermen. - -- Arthur Binstead -% -The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible - The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert -Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained -several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from -the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, -to commit adultery. - Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote -country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined -the printers L3,000. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little -children for their insurance money. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. -% -The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, - Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit -Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, - Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. -% -The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the -perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love -seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. -% -The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. - -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy -% -The nearer to the church, the further from God. - -- John Heywood -% -The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded -in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but -occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! - -- James 'Kibo' Parry -% -The net of law is spread so wide, -No sinner from its sweep may hide. -Its meshes are so fine and strong, -They take in every child of wrong. -O wondrous web of mystery! -Big fish alone escape from thee! - -- James Jeffrey Roche -% -The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. -I hope I don't get run over again. -% -The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 -doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -% -THE NEW RIGHT: - A javelin team that elects to receive. -% -The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, -in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. - - But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: - for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. - - -- Matthew 5:37 -% -The next person to mention spaghetti stacks -to me is going to have his head knocked off. - -- Bill Conrad -% -The next thing I say to you will be true. -The last thing I said was false. -% -The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. - -- Lucille S. Harper -% -The nice thing about standards -is that there are so many of them to choose from. - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. -% -The night passes quickly when you're asleep -But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat -... -Breakfast at the Egg House, -Like the waffle on the griddle, -I'm burnt around the edges, -But I'm tender in the middle. - -- Adrian Belew -% -The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered -rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen -bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, -'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. - -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. -% -The notion of a "record" is an obsolete -remnant of the days of the 80-column card. - -- D.M. Ritchie -% -The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely -proportional to the number of bugs in their code. -% -The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success -of the barbecue. -% -The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine -increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. -% -The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. - -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 -% -The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post -is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer -is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. - -- Robert Woodhead -% -The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze -all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have -answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems -when called upon. - However... -When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind -yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. -% -The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. -% -The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". -% -The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: - - Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the - Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director - of Corporate Planning." -% -The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: - - Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless - you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you - is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the - unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. -% -The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: - - Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy - remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate - some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La - like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the - office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun - god at 8:15 the next morning. -% -The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds -is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been -more like fourteen. - -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" -% -The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the -New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that -they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. - "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have -taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" -% -THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time -to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the -floor. - -"Sorry," he said with a smile. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -% -The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. -Let the reader catch his own breath. - -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart -% -The older I grow, the more I distrust the -familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. -% -The one good thing about repeating your -mistakes is that you know when to cringe. -% -The one L lama, he's a priest -The two L llama, he's a beast -And I will bet my silk pyjama -There isn't any three L lllama. - -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally - his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." -% -The One Page Principle: - A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper - cannot be understood. - -- Mark Ardis -% -The one sure way to make a lazy man look -respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. -% -The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. - -- Abbey Hoffman -% -The only certainty is that nothing is certain. - -- Pliny the Elder -% -The only constant is change. -% -The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a -right turn on a red light. - -- Woody Allen -% -The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is -that the car salesman knows he's lying. -% -The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. -% -The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that -every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only difference in the game of love over the last few -thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. - -- The Indianapolis Star -% -The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look -respectable. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. -The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may -experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and -thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever -could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very -swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels -much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of -oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach -it and are delighted. - -- Nietzsche -% -The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is -that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; -beyond this they have not legitimacy. - -- Einstein. -% -The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away -is your husband. -% -The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, -mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, -the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn -like fabulous yellow Roman candles. - -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" -% -The only people who make love all the time are liars. - -- Louis Jordan -% -The only perfect science is hind-sight. -% -The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -% -The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. -% -The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. -% -The only possible interpretation of any research -whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -The only problem with being a man of leisure -is that you can never stop and take a rest. -% -The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. - -- Phaedrus -% -The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to -be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to -be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think -you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. - -- Bill Veeck -% -The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a -plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal -other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. - -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" -% -The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. -% -The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method -for getting acquainted. - -- Heywood Broun -% -The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - -- C. Schultz -% -The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise -of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. - -- Colette -% -The only reward of virtue is virtue. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The only rose without thorns is friendship. -% -The only thing better than love is milk. -% -The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. -% -The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches -us nothing. - -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) -% -The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that -the first one was useless. - -- Nicolas Chamfort -% -The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. -It is never any use to oneself. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. - -- Earl Warren - -That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all -the lessons that history has to teach. - -- Aldous Huxley - -We learn from history that we do not learn from history. - -- Georg Hegel - -HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn -nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened -this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% -The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. - -- C. Schultz -% -The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge -and guilt. - -- Elvis Costello -% -The only way to amuse some people -is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. -% -The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, -drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - -- Mark Twain -% -The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. - -- David Gerrold -% -The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt -in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. - -- Jean de la Bruyere -% -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up -until 5 or 6 PM. -% -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. -It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. -% -The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite -of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Niels Bohr -% -The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Bohr -% -The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is -waiting. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, -and the pessimist knows it. - -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" - -Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking -almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all -possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" -% -The optimum committee has no members. - -- Norman Augustine -% -The opulence of the front office door varies -inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. -% -The orders come down and they march us away. -There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. -God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, -But it's better than working for Xerox. - -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" -% -The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. - -- Steven Wright -% -The other line moves faster. -% -The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on -a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance -with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke -English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a -pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her -head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a -table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to -dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They -went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious -evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew -a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has -never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. -% -The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". -% -The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. - -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court -% -The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what -she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, - "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" - "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." -% -The past always looks better than it was. -It's only pleasant because it isn't here. - -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) -% -The people sensible enough to give -good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. -% -The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- -not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you -waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. -In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the -person you have always wanted to be. - -- Nancy Friday -% -The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. - -- Charles Pierce -% -The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, -but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that -quality of joy. - -- Erica Jong -% -The person who can smile when something -goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -% -The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. -% -The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. -% -The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. -% -The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. -% -The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip -market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and -is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" - -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 -% -The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, -when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers -become soft. -% -The philosopher's treatment of a question -is like the treatment of an illness. - -- Wittgenstein. -% -The Phone Booth Rule: - A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. -% -The Pig, if I am not mistaken, -Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. -Let others think his heart is big, -I think it stupid of the Pig. -% -The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang -and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter -connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center -fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were -blound by the sun and he dropped it. - -- Dizzy Dean -% -The plural of spouse is spice. -% -The Poems, all three hundred of them, -may be summed up in one of their phrases: -"Let our thoughts be correct". - -- Confucius -% -The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life - The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George -Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his -verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". - In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his -work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually -lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". - High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically -rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with -the higher emotions. - She would me "Honey" call, - She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. - But now alas! She's left me - Falero, lero, loo. - Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize -was her prudent choice of footwear. - The fives did fit her shoe. - In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by -the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the -Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and -begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, -"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the -worst poet in England." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, -and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." - -- Celine -% -The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad -trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and -save your sanity for later. -% -The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be -addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally -important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not -expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can -we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing -true distaste. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly - Correct Behavior" -% -The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. -To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. - -- Buckminster Fuller -% -The pollution's at that awkward stage. -Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. - -- Doug Sneyd -% -The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. - -- Anthony Burgess -% -The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor -prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, -or to the people. - -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) -% -The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, - Were each of them once a kiddie. -A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. - Do I want one? God Forbiddie! - -- Ogden Nash -% -The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's -remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those -offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. - -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter -% -The prettiest women are almost always the most -boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -The price of greatness is responsibility. -% -The price of success in philosophy is triviality. - -- C. Glymour. -% -The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate -knowledge of its ugly side. - -- James Baldwin -% -The primary function of the design engineer is to make things -difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. -% -The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; -instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the -variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead -of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the -program, should the value of pi change. - -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers -% -The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" -represents the secondary theme: - - Law Enforcement Officials - -The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: - - Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials - -- M. Gallaher -% -The probability of someone watching you is directly -proportional to the stupidity of your action. -% -The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, -a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. - -- Mike Smith -% -The problem with any unwritten law is that -you don't know where to go to erase it. - -- Glaser and Way -% -The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have -to sleep every few days. -% -The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my -time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my -government because they could not keep up. - -- Idi Amin Dada -% -The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that -for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good -requires intent. -% -The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can -be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. - -- Elizabeth Taylor -% -The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -% -The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty -for incompetence. -% -The problems of business administration in general, and database management in -particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded -with sloppy english. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, -stable business. - -- John Steinbeck -% -The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. -% -The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their -thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. - Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the -battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved -blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. - Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? - The answer exists only in the Tao. -% -The proof of the pudding is in the eating. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel -and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a -horse. - -- Jac Goudsmit -% -The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper -thoughts about their neighbours. - -- F.H. Bradley -% -The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's -outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake -since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its -victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before -running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit -raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no -certainties. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" -% -The Public is merely a multiplied "me." - -- Mark Twain -% -The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but -because it gave pleasure to the spectators. - -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" -% -The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're -not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not -engineers. -% -"The pyramid is opening!" -"Which one?" -"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -% -The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. -% -The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to -join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its -attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every -sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good -whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot -contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them -remain each in their own position. - -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from - Queen Victoria -% -The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of -whether submarines can swim. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The questions remain the same. -The answers are eternally variable. -% -The Rabbits The Cow -Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; -That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The race is not always to the swift, nor the -battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. - -- Damon Runyon -% -The rain it raineth on the just -And also on the unjust fella: -But chiefly on the just, because -The unjust steals the just's umbrella. - -- Lord Bowen -% -The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. -% -The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise -measurement of the speed of blight. -% -The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the -illiterates can read. - -- Alberto Moravia -% -The real man's Bloody Mary: - Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire - sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. - - Fill a large tumbler with vodka. - Throw all the other ingredients away. -% -The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. -% -The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. - -- Christopher Morley -% -The real reason large families benefit society is because at least -a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. -% -The real reason psychology is hard is that -psychologists are trying to do the impossible. -% -The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. -% -The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. -% -The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. - -- Don Rose -% -The reason that every major university maintains a department of -mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those -people. -% -The reason they're called wisdom teeth -is that the experience makes you wise. -% -The reason why worry kills more people -than work is that more people worry than work. -% -The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one -persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress -depends on the unreasonable man. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its -financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of -a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy -industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because -nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. - -- Paul Erdman's Money Book -% -The relative importance of files depends on their cost -in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. - -- T.A. Dolotta -% -The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk -of a Dodge Dart. - -- Lisa Alther -% -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -The reverse side also has a reverse side. - -- Japanese proverb -% -The revolution will not be televised. -% -The reward for working hard is more hard work. -% -The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. - -- Emerson -% -The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. -The haves get more, the have-nots die. -% -The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. -This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. -% -The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be -taken seriously. - -- Hubert Humphrey -% -The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. - -- Justice Douglas -% -The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared -for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his -infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and -upon the successful management of which so much remains. - -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist -% -The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the -House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights -you have and what rights you have not got. - -- J. Parnell Thomas -% -The ripest fruit falls first. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -The road to Hades is easy to travel. - -- Bion -% -The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. - -- J. Gooding -% -The road to ruin is always in good repair, -and the travellers pay the expense of it. - -- Josh Billings -% -The Roman Rule - The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the - one who is doing it. -% -The root of all superstition is that men -observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. - -- Francis Bacon -% -The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. -% -The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in -his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on -one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't -take it too seriously. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or -give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. - -- Jane Bryant Quinn -% -The rules: - -1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. -2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at - the console keyboard. -3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little - card decks together. -4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, - especially if you're already married. -5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as - a stool to reach another disk pack. -6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour - shift. -7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their - files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. -8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. -9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. -10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". -% -The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. -That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market -award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal -gesture by the individual to himself. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" -% -The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! -% -The savior becomes the victim. -% -The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. - -Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. - Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." - -Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. -% -The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 -showed that all had these things in common: - - 1) They all had moderate appetites. - 2) They all came from middle class homes. - 3) All but two of them were dead. -% -The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is -a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings -of civilization. - -- T.K. -% -The second best policy is dishonesty. -% -The Second Law of Thermodynamics: - If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! - -- Jim Warner -% -The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. -% -The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. -% -The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, -you've got it made. - -- Jean Giraudoux -% -The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; -there is no humor in Heaven. - -- Mark Twain -% -The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone -beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! - -- Harry Skelton -% -The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he -reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray -Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace -of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of -him are dead, he is alive. - Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached -everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce -host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and -equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." - "How?" demanded Fafhrd. - Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." - -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" -% -The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, -and sixth years. -% -The sheep died in the wool. -% -The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero -% -The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. -% -The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - -- Noelie Altito -% -The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. - -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia -% -The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft -voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. - -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 -% -The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. - -- [just say that five times...] -% -The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. - -- Judge Harold T. Stone -% -The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, -And surly Winter grimly flies. -Now crystal clear are the falling waters, -And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. -Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, -The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: -All creatures joy in the sun's returning, -And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. - -The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, -The yellow Autumn presses near; -Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, -Till smiling Spring again appear. -Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, -Old Time and Nature their changes tell; -But never ranging, still unchanging, -I adore my bonnie Bell. - -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" -% -The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an -"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers -while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- -one can see only a very few things at once. - -- Fred Brooks -% -The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the -rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. - -- Max Lerner -% -The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and -tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will -have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor -its theories will hold water. -% -The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door -He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" -The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before -And slowly she let him inside. - -He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young -But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won -And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun -And now will you tell me why?" - -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" -% -The solution of problems is the most characteristic -and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. - -- William James -% -The solution of this problem is trivial -and is left as an exercise for the reader. -% -The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. - -- Peer -% -The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from -his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was -sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and -active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and -exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the -dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. - For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and -vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation -was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was -horrified! Then came the children's lesson. - For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. -The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against -the table as the children gathered around him. - He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" - There was total silence. - He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" - Total silence. - Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, -sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." -% -The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon -% -The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. - -- Ed Bluestone -% -The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -% -The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. -% -The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. -In town a noun might wear a gown, -or further down, might dress a clown. -A noun that's sound would never clown, -but unsound nouns jump up and down. -The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, -and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. -But please don't let that get you down, -the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. - -- A. Nonnie Mouse -% -The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet -themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week -against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat -Russian, get off my Ford Escort." - -- Dennis Miller -% -The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. -% -The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the -philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world -is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying -reality. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% -The star of riches is shining upon you. -% -The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers -written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not -follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces -of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took -the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held -in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation -died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put -back by years. - -- Douglas Adams -% -The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. - -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" -% -The steady state of disks is full. - -- Ken Thompson -% -The story of the butterfly: - "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, -a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go -out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on -the third day, I heard a knock." - "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, -there was nothing." - "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." - -- Peter Carey, BLISS -% -The story you are about to hear is true. -Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. -% -The street preacher looked so baffled -When I asked him why he dressed -With forty pounds of headlines -Stapled to his chest. -But he cursed me when I proved to him -I said, "Not even you can hide. -You see, you're just like me. -I hope you're satisfied." - -- Bob Dylan -% -The streets were dark with something more than night. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. -% -The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. -% -The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He -can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless -existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is -that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- -that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. -He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live -by the values he wills. - -- Nietzsche -% -The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have -yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. - -- The Silver Surfer -% -The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. -The population is, of course, growing. -% -The sun never sets on those who ride into it. - -- RKO -% -The sun was shining on the sea, -Shining with all his might: -He did his very best to make -The billows smooth and bright -- -And this was very odd, because it was -The middle of the night. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. - -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" -% -The superfluous is very necessary. - -- Voltaire -% -The superior man understands what is right; -the inferior man understands what will sell. - -- Confucius -% -The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their -way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, -whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other -side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. -Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to -speak of the room. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. -% -The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. -% -The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher -esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. - -- Nietzsche -% -The surest way to remain a winner is to -win once, and then not play any more. -% -The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- -Scratch a lover and find a foe! - -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" -% -The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. -% -The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. -% -The Tao doesn't take sides; -it gives birth to both wins and losses. -The Guru doesn't take sides; -she welcomes both hackers and lusers. - -The Tao is like a stack: -the data changes but not the structure. -the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; -the more you talk of it, the less you understand. - -Hold on to the root. -% -The Tao is like a glob pattern: -used but never used up. -It is like the extern void: -filled with infinite possibilities. - -It is masked but always present. -I don't know who built to it. -It came before the first kernel. -% -The tao that can be tar(1)ed -is not the entire Tao. -The path that can be specified -is not the Full Path. - -We declare the names -of all variables and functions. -Yet the Tao has no type specifier. - -Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. -Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. - -Yet magic and hierarchy -arise from the same source, -and this source has a null pointer. - -Reference the NULL within NULL, -it is the gateway to all wizardry. -% -The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer -them a drink. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" -% -The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available -data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon -shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, -as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much -radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times -as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we -receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the -Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature -of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where -the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, -i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using -the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute -temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact -temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the -temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. -Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their -part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten -brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, -or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, -then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 -% -The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled -culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. -% -The Ten Commandments for Technicians: - 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged - capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a - most untechnician-like manner. - - 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy - fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console - her in other ways. -% -The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene -of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process -as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The -employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible -temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. - -- Kenny's Korner -% -The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed -ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald -% -The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. - -- Aldo Leopold -% -The thing that takes up the least amount of time -and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. -% -The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. -% -The Third Law of Photography: - If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined - when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of - the dark leaks out. -% -The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I -want the job. - -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 - -Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he -would have lost. - -- Mort Sahl - -Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. - -- Gore Vidal - -Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and -I need a lot of sleep. - -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. - -You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him -accurately it's called mudslinging. - -- Walter Mondale -% -The Thought Police are here. They've come -To put you under cardiac arrest. -And as they drag you through the door -They tell you that you've failed the test. - -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" -% -The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. -% -The three biggest software lies: - - 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. - 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from - will fix the microcode. - 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. -% -The three laws of thermodynamics: - (1) You can't get anything without working for it. - (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. - (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. -% -THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: - -1) Where's the bathroom? -2) What time does the parade start? -3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? -% -The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? -2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -The three rules of international air travel: - -(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used - to be Braniff or Aeroflot). -(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you - know *exactly* what you're doing. -(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. -% -The thrill is here, but it won't last long -You'd better have your fun before it moves along... -% -The time for action is past! -Now is the time for senseless bickering. -% -The time is right to make new friends. -% -The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance -committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. - -- C.N. Parkinson -% -The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. -The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of -Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by -mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, -men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. -The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of -the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the -Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced -them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or -it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I -choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be -brought." - -- Alistair Cooke -% -The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. - -- Hosea Ballou -% -The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. -% -The tree of research must from time to time -be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. - -- Alan Kay -% -The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, -but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. - -- Little Big Man -% -The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. -% -The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. -% -The trouble with being punctual is that people -think you have nothing more important to do. -% -The trouble with computers is that they do -what you tell them, not what you want. - -- D. Cohen -% -The trouble with doing something right the first -time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -% -The trouble with eating Italian food is that -five or six days later you're hungry again. - -- George Miller -% -The trouble with heart disease is that the first -symptom is often hard to deal with: death. - -- Michael Phelps -% -The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. - -- George S. Kaufman -% -The trouble with money is it costs too much! -% -The trouble with opportunity is that it -always comes disguised as hard work. - -- Herbert V. Prochnow -% -The trouble with some women is that they get -all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. - -- Cher -% -The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds -the other fellow of a dull one. - -- Sid Caesar -% -The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians -who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool -all of the people all of the time. - -- Franklin Adams -% -The trouble with you -Is the trouble with me. -Got two good eyes -But we still don't see. - -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" -% -The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great -height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make -people stumble than to be walked upon. - -- Franz Kafka -% -The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. - -- Andre Malraux -% -The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. -And vice versa. -% -The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. - -- Stanley Kubrick -% -The Truth Shall Rape You Over. - -- Caltech -% -The truth you speak has no past and no future. -It is, and that's all it needs to be. -% -The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks -Which practically conceal its sex. -I think it clever of the turtle -In such a fix to be so fertile. - -- O. Nash -% -The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -% -The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that -two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated -by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. - -- I.F. Stone -% -The two things that can get you into trouble -quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. -% -The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more -annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? -And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? -There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? -So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, -Eh? -So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? -And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? -They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! -Eh? - -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? -Beauty! -% -The ultimate game show will be the one -where somebody gets killed at the end. - -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" -% -The unfacts, did we have them, are too -imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. -% -The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. -% -The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. -% -The universe is an island, -surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. -% -The universe is laughing behind your back. -% -The Universe is populated by stable things. - -- Richard Dawkins -% -The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. -It cannot be ruled by interfering. - -- Chinese proverb -% -The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. - -- Sagan -% -The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie -Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is -said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of -his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." -% -The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, -and deviation standard. -% -The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to -hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. -% -The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable -that I assume it must be evil. - -- Heywood Broun -% -The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and -religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging -from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its -yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the -world put together. - -- Sir Peter Medawar -% -The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems -is a symptom of professional immaturity. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be -regarded as a criminal offence. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -The use of COBOL cripples the mind; -its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. - -- B. Franklin -% -The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. -% -The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of -altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their -views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the -facts that needs altering. - -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" -% -The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -The Vet Who Surprised A Cow - In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary -surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal -gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial -expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some -bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. -The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to -the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance -to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. - -- John Wayne -% -The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. - -- Jerry Brown -% -The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh -restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, -dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She -sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, -then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. -A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned -to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." -% -The wages of sin are unreported. -% -The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States -Constitution. -% -The warning message we sent the Russians was a -calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. - -- Alexander Haig -% -The water was not fit to drink. -To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. -By diligent effort, I learned to like it. - -- W. Churchill -% -The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and -incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - -- Emo Philips -% -The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. - -- Nathaniel Howe -% -The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. -% -The way to a man's heart is through his -wife's belly, and don't you forget it. - -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" -% -The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. -% -The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. -% -The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. -% -The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -% -The way to make a small fortune in the -commodities market is to start with a large fortune. -% -The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. -% -The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. -My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. -My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. -Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? -I feel together today! - -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" -% -The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. -% -The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... -but the leaves are good to smoke! - -- The Shadow -% -The white race is the cancer of history. - -- Susan Sontag -% -The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. - -- Wavy Gravy -% -The whole of life is futile unless you -consider it as a sporting proposition. -% -The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. - -- Peter Beard -% -The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. - -- George Gobel -% -The whole world is about three drinks behind. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% -The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and -not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he -should. - -- W.C. Fields -% -The wise man seeks everything in himself; -the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. -% -The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. -% -The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the -medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, -she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to -live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you -throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" - "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have -to get up in the morning!" -% -The wonderful thing about a dancing bear -is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. -% -The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools -we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral -and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because -of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. -We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller -ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. - -- Paul Licker -% -The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not -designed for people who walk on their hands. - -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" -% -The world is a comedy to those who think, -and a tragedy to those who feel. - -- Horace Walpole -% -The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! -% -The world is coming to an end! -Repent and return those library books! -% -The world is full of people who have never, since -childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. - -- E.B. White -% -The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says -it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. - -- E. Hubbard -% -The world is not octal despite DEC. -% -The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. -It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. -You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. -% -The world really isn't any worse. -It's just that the news coverage is so much better. -% -The world wants to be deceived. - -- Sebastian Brant -% -The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. -% -The world's as ugly as sin, -And almost as delightful - -- Frederick Locker-Lampson -% -The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, -nor its great scholars great men. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -The Worst American Poet - Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that -Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. - Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire -of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her -pen. - Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the -formula was the same: - Have you heard of the dreadful fate - Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? - Of their death I will relate, - And also others lost their life - (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, - Where so many people died. - Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, -the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a -river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than -a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. - Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even -suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was -forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went -beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE - -During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over -emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an -elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped -up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their -duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. -Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat -and killed it. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -THE WORST BANK ROBBERY - -In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of -Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They -had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, -sheepishly left the building. -A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of -robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded -5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it -was a practical joke. -Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor -clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got -trapped in the revolving doors again. -% -The Worst Car Hire Service - When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck -as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up -shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. - He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he -conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. - To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and -he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving -round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. - "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to -admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we -overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle -we might overlook that too." - "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled -into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the -ash tray." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -THE WORST HOMING PIGEON - -This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was -expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, -in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst is enemy of the bad. -% -The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." - -- King Lear -% -The Worst Jury - A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when -one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the -remotest clue what was happening. - The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any -evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. - The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second -juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French -speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he -was hearing a murder trial. - The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered -from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language -and nearly as deaf as the first juror. - The judge ordered a retrial. - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Worst Lines of Verse -For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: - "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." -Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted -these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous -laughter the instant they were read out. - No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was -inspired by the subject of war. - "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, - And the grey roof reddened and rang; - Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay - The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" -By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): - "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." -While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: - "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, - The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." -George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: - "And I was ask'd and authorized to go - To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." -William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: - "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak - While in this world, are liable to leak." -And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when -describing a pond: - "I've measured it from side to side; - Tis three feet long and two feet wide." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The Worst Musical Trio - There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at -a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their -instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian -gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated -violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite -unhampered by great musical talent. - Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public -concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. -A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although -Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau -in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. - "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, -"and it will be a sell out." - Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited -audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and -asked for someone to turn his pages. - In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who -volunteered and made his way to the stage. - The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the -music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle -Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played -the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. -But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst part of having success is trying -to find someone who is happy for you. - -- Bette Midler -% -The worst part of valor is indiscretion. -% -The Worst Prison Guards - The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a -maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, -near Lisbon in Portugal. - During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison -warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which -included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity -of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were -planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had -not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were -"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, -water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. -The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 -prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" -because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back -the next morning. - "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when -one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they -eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's -population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. -Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the -"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." - -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" -% -The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, -but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they -are sober. - -- William Butler Yeats -% -The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one -wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering -if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. - -- David Viscott -% -The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. -They were just the first not to crash. -% -The yankees, son, are up north. -The damnyankees are down here. -% -The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of -four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all -the answers. -% -The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. - "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. - "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." -% -The young lady had an unusual list, -Linked in part to a structural weakness. -She set no preconditions. -% -The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means -to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he -found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. -He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the -rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's -golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. -"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." - "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street -they only charge $1 a ball!" - "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the -rooms." -% -THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE -% -Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... -and you'd better not refuse. -% -Them as has, gets. -% -Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her -incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, -acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. - -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." -% -Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. -I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was -right. - -- P.J. O'Rourke -% -Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. -% -Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of -Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, -when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing -to the "W" on the dial. - -Moral: - He who has a Tates is lost! -% -"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" -"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" -"I'll put `maybe.'" - -- Bloom County -% -Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand -it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Theorem: a cat has nine tails. -Proof: - No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. - Therefore, a cat has nine tails. -% -Theorem: All positive integers are equal. -Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. - Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B - (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. - -Proceed by induction: - If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. - So A = B. - -Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with - MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence - (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. -% -Theorem: All programs are dull. - -Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is -nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all -sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is -the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides -the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -THEORY: - System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to - originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good - it will look in print. -% -Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. - -- Goethe -% -Theory of Selective Supervision: - The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is - the one time the boss walks through the office. -% -There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black -armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad -shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you -realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your -body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: -sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. -He speaks with a commanding voice: - - "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" - -As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. -% -There appears to be irrefutable evidence that -the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. - -- Harvey Wheeler -% -There are a few things that never go out of style, -and a feminine woman is one of them. - -- Ralston -% -There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. - -- Winston Churchill -% -There are bad times just around the corner, -There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky -And it's no good whining -About a silver lining -For we know from experience that they won't roll by... - -- Noel Coward -% -There are few people more often in the wrong -than those who cannot endure to be thought so. -% -There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- -and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. - -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 -% -There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, -excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's -the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you -cannot know a woman, the divorce. - -- Norman Mailer -% -There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the -two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit -inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent -postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, -the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, -sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, -magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV -relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, -and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell -the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the -results. -% -There are many intelligent species in -the universe, and they all own cats. -% -There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break -about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get -about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor -get it in the winter. - -- Bat Masterson -% -There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal -friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably -avoiding a great deal of pain. -% -There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -There are more old drunkards than old doctors. -% -There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. -% -There are more things in heaven and earth, -Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. - -- Hamlet -% -There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. -% -There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. -% -There are new messages. -% -There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. - -- Baba Ram Dass -% -There are no answers, only cross-references. - -- Weiner -% -There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. -% -There are no great men, buster. There are only men. - -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" -% -There are no great men, only great challenges that -ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. - -- Admiral William Halsey -% -There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. - -- The Duke of Wellington -% -There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence -of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally -competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make -some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. - -- Richard Davisson -% -There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort -of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. -% -There are no winners in life, only survivors. -% -There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. - -- Helen Rowland -% -There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. -% -There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and -taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. - -- shades -% -There are people so addicted to exaggeration -that they can't tell the truth without lying. - -- Josh Billings -% -There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals -in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so -people who find nothing odd about it. - -- Calvin Trillin -% -There are places I'll remember -All my life though some have changed. -Some forever not for better -Some have gone and some remain. -All these places had their moments -With lovers and friends I still recall. -Some are dead and some are living, -In my life I've loved them all. - -But of all these friends and lovers, -There is no one compared with you, -All these memories lose their meaning -When I think of love as something new. -Though I know I'll never lose affection -For people and things that went before, -I know I'll often stop and think about them -In my life I'll love you more. - -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 -% -There are running jobs. -Why don't you go chase them? -% -There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both -plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; -and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, -don't we all. -% -There are strange things done in the midnight sun - By the men who moil for gold; -The Arctic trails have their secret tales - That would make your blood run cold; -The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, - But the queerest they ever did see -Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge - I cremated Sam McGee. - -- Robert W. Service -% -There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life -is the process of discovering them over and over and over. - -- David Nichols -% -There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and -fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here -and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for -wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up -your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII -% -There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. -% -There are three possibilities: -Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; -there's a large meteor blocking transmission; -someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. -% -There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be -offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a -series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of -food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection -increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the -affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no -circumstances can the food be omitted. - -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour -% -There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need -the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the -world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the -long winter evenings. - -- Quentin Crisp -% -There are three rules for writing a novel. -Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. - -- Maugham -% -There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the -changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. -Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's -science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled -by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. -% -There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I -can't remember. - -- Italo Svevo -% -There are three things I have always loved -and never understood -- art, music, and women. -% -There are three things men can do with women: -love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. - -- Stephen Stills -% -There are three ways to get something done: - - 1: Do it yourself. - 2: Hire someone to do it for you. - 3: Forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are three ways to get something done: -do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are twenty-five people left in the world, -and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. - -- Ed Sanders -% -There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play -together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is -struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in -the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the -room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" - "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. - Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are -you?" - "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." - "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" - "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. -I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! -Man it is smokin'!" - "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, -tell me more!" - "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news -and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean -I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." - "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." -% -There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." -And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" - -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" -% -There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. - -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar -% -There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. -We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - -- Jeremy S. Anderson -% -There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel -like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. -% -There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before -marriage and after marriage. -% -There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make -it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to -make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. - -- C.A.R. Hoare -% -There are two ways of disliking art. -One is to dislike it. -The other is to like it rationally. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways of disliking poetry; -one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways to write error-free -programs; only the third one works. -% -There are very few personal problems that cannot be -solved through a suitable application of high explosives. -% -There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening -with an insurance salesman? - -- Woody Allen -% -There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men -of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling -rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and -together we'll face the world. - -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" -% -There but for the grace of God, goes God. - -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. -% -There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. - -- Ralph Nader -% -There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he -has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. - -- W.C. Fields -% -There comes a time to stop being angry. - -- A Small Circle of Friends -% -There exist tasks which cannot be done -by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. - -- Steele's Law -% -There goes the good time that was had by all. - -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet -% -There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. -For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read -permissions for everyone, you could say - - #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) - - I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it -hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away -from its uses. - To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that -is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of -the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is -being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro -name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology --- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded -recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it -was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) - -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review -% -There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. - -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 -% -There has been an alarming increase in the -number of things you know nothing about. -% -There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. -% -There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there -is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a -vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food -stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. - -Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small - elevator with one other person from each floor? -A: The elevator would be full. -% -There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery -is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If -you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. - --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles -% -There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an -opinion. - -- Anatole France -% -There is a fly on your nose. -% -There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital -and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting -each other's throat. - -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" -% -There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: -that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. -% -There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -% -There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends -his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. - -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" -% -There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of -wooden toilet seats. - -It's called the Birch John Society. -% -There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly -what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear -and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There -is another theory which states that this has already happened. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -There is a time in the tides of men, -Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. -On the other hand, don't count on it. - -- T.K. Lawson -% -There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it -is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. - -- Helen Rowland -% -There is always more hell that needs raising. - -- Lauren Leveut -% -There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling -somebody out. - -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" -% -There is always someone worse off than yourself. -% -There is always something new out of Africa. - -- Gaius Plinius Secundus -% -There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it -has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. -"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." - -- Mark Twain -% -There is brutality and there is honesty. -There is no such thing as brutal honesty. -% -There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, -having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, -whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of -gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and -most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. - -- Darwin -% -There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can -not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. -% -There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -There is in certain living souls -A quality of loneliness unspeakable, -So great it must be shared -As company is shared by lesser beings. -Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this -That in immensity -There is one lonelier than you. -% -There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, -however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. -Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be -discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator -on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is -even highly probable. - -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 -% -There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. - -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), - Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 -% -There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, -and we will conquer. Follow me. - -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) -% -There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a -man who eats Grapenuts on principle. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the -man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -There is more to life than increasing its speed. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -There is more to life than increasing its speed. - -- Mohandis K. Gandhi -% -There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. - -- Darth Vader -% -There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is -always enough time to do it over. -% -There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. -% -There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party -is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" -% -There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. -No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. - -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" -% -There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. -No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - -- Jean Giradoux -% -"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing -the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries -civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. -We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward -striving of the human race" - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -There is no comfort without pain; thus -we define salvation through suffering. - -- Cato -% -There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. - -- George Santayana -% -There is no delight the equal of dread. -As long as it is somebody else's. - --Clive Barker -% -There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. -% -There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - -- Mark Twain -% -There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he -filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary -as 'unearned income.' - -- Michael Lara -% -There is no education that is not political. An apolitical -education is also political because it is purposely isolating. -% -There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income -parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a -child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to -picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one -Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! - -- Filthy Rich and Catflap -% -There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. -% -There is no fool to the old fool. - -- John Heywood -% -There is no future in time travel. -% -There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. -% -There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted -armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - -- Ernest Hemingway -% -There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. - -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 -% -There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. - -- George Francis Gillette -% -There is no point in waiting. -The train stopped running years ago. -All the schedules, the brochures, -The bright-colored posters full of lies, -Promise rides to a distant country -That no longer exists. -% -There is no proverb that is not true. - -- Cervantes -% -There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools -to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. -So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in -check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. -% -There is no royal road to geometry. - -- Euclid -% -There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. -% -There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. - -- General Douglas MacArthur -% -There is no sin but ignorance. - -- Christopher Marlowe -% -There is no sincerer love than the love of food. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. -% -There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. -% -There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. -% -There is no such thing as a free lunch. -% -There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. -% -There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only -the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. - -- Christian Dior -% -There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. -Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" -% -There is no such thing as pure pleasure; -some anxiety always goes with it. -% -There is no time like the pleasant. -% -There is no time like the present -for postponing what you ought to be doing. -% -There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and -family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, -the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is -live as cheap as the people. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives -us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. - -- Augier -% -There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. - -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" -% -There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - -- Churchill -% -There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. - -- Gaius Valerius Catullus -% -There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. - -- Marie Antoinette -% -There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult -when you do it reluctantly. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who -comes to visit. -% -There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said -a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. - "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with -an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. - "I could have answered it if I had been there." - "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in -the middle of the night?'" -% -There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. -% -There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it -is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. -% -There is one difference between a tax collector and -a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. - -- Mortimer Caplan -% -There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says -"Yes" you know he is crooked. - -- Groucho Marx -% -There is only one thing in the world worse than being -talked about, and that is not being talked about. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. - -- Paul Bourget -% -There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -There is only one way to kill capitalism -- -by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. - -- Karl Marx -% -There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, -and that word is blackmail. - -- Colm Brogan -% -There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which -it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. - -- James Boswell -% -There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale -returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% -There is something in the pang of change -More than the heart can bear, -Unhappiness remembering happiness. - -- Euripides -% -There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. -% -There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! -% -There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who -constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those -who do not. - -- Robert Benchley -% -There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United -States; of course, I never heard the story before. -% -There must be more to life than having everything. - -- Maurice Sendak -% -There never was a good war or a bad peace. - -- B. Franklin -% -There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The -king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said -to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even -half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, -what would your decision be, my son?" - The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell -her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." - The king knew that his son would be a great king. -% -There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The -king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished -in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said -to the prince: - "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even -half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, -what would your decision be, my son?" - The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell -her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom -that I had promised." - The king knew that his son would be a great king. -% -There seems no plan because it is all plan. - -- C.S. Lewis -% -There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." - -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" -% -There was a little girl -Who had a little curl -Right in the middle of her forehead. -When she was good, she was very, very good -And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. - -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" -% -There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up -with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he -was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive -over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot -to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, -and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be -able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go -around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave -him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared -to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to -hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in -the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband -cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing -her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same -course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he -sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able -to hit through, if he was to open both doors. - "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". -% -There was a phone call for you. -% -There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were -left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. -Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so -they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed -out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, -the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck -with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! -We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is -to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. -% -There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have -no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled -every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become -insupportable. - -- Kurt Vonnegut -% -There was a young man from Brazil, -And a lady who'd not take the pill, - They lay on the sofa, - And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ -n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o -8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ -% -There was a young man from LeDoux, -Whose limericks stopped at line two. - -There was a young man from Verdunne. - - [Actually, there are three limericks in this series; the third one - is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please - mail it to "fortune". Ed.] -% -There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of -their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity -of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian -couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were -blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together -on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy -baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, -were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion -of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: -The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of -the squaws of the other two hides. -% -There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, -in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term -that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the -practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed -to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if -necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left -(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). - -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" -% -There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. -Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, -you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what -should I do?" - "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look -like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing -you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." - "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. - A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed -in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, -pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," -he tells the counterman. - The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, -"You must be from New York." - The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did -you know?" - "Because this is a hardware store." -% -There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when -the boss asks for a lift home from office. -% -There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when -the boss asks for a lift home from the office. -% -There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. -% -There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use -this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. - -- Machiavelli -% -There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, -ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are -pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could -hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at -least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, -Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the -pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. - -- Shirley Povich, 1941 -% -There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. -Too bad it's not a fence. -% -There's a lesson that I need to remember -When everything is falling apart -In life, just like in loving -There's such a thing as trying to hard - -You've gotta sing -Like you don't need the money -Love like you'll never get hurt -You've gotta dance -Like nobody's watching -It's gotta come from the heart -If you want it to work. - -- Kathy Mattea -% -There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. -% -There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left -and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a -little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. -A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody -there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. -The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and -it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice -said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went -on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all -his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice -spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to -quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, -and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" -% -There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast -The corporation that we represent. -We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, -Of that man of men our sterling president -The name of T.J. Watson means -A courage none can stem -And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. - -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook -% -There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to -recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to -let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity -or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, -a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, -rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of -living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding -action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the -best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. -We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth -are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves -along -- quite gracefully. - -- Ellen Goodman -% -There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! - -- Doug Clifford -% -There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. -% -There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. -I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it -didn't do anything to me. - -- John Wayne -% -There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. -% -There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. -% -There's little in taking or giving, - There's little in water or wine: -This living, this living, this living, - Was never a project of mine. -Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is - The gain of the one at the top, -For art is a form of catharsis, - And love is a permanent flop, -And work is the province of cattle, - And rest's for a clam in a shell, -So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- - Would you kindly direct me to hell? - -- Dorothy Parker -% -There's no future in time travel. -% -There's no heavier burden than a great potential. -% -There's no justice in this world. - -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by - New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had - saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering - the assassination of Schultz instead) -% -There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - -- Dr. Who -% -There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. - -- Raoul Duke -% -There's no saint like a reformed sinner. -% -There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know -what you're talking about. - -- John von Neumann -% -There's no such thing as a free lunch. - -- Milton Friendman -% -There's no such thing as an original sin. - -- Elvis Costello -% -There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. -% -There's no time like the pleasant. -% -There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government -working for you. - -- Will Rodgers -% -There's no use being precise about something -when you don't even know what you're talking about. - -- John von Neumann -% -There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. -% -There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead -armadillos. - -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner -% -There's nothing like a girl with a plunging -neckline to keep a man on his toes. -% -There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate -his wife. - -- Clare Booth Luce -% -There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. -% -There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. -% -There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right -keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. - -- J.S. Bach -% -There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter -and open a vein. - -- Red Smith -% -There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that -nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. -% -There's nothing worse for your business than -extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. - -- W. Bossert -% -There's nothing wrong with teenagers that -reasoning with them won't aggravate. -% -There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can -always see somebody who did worse. - -- Warren H. Goldsmith -% -There's one fool at least in every married couple. -% -There's only one everything. -% -There's only one way to have a happy marriage -and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - -- Clint Eastwood -% -There's small choice in rotten apples. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" -% -There's so much plastic in this culture that -vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. -% -There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, -Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. -If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. -% -There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. - -- Richard Le Gallienne -% -These activities have their own rules and methods -of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 -% -These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what -they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. -% -They also serve who only stand and wait. - -- John Milton -% -They also surf who only stand on waves. -% -They are called computers simply because computation is -the only significant job that has so far been given to them. -% -They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting -what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of -life. Let's face it: That's the American way. - -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District - of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. -% -They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, -when they can see nothing but sea. - -- Francis Bacon -% -They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. - -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos -% -They call them "squares" because it's the -most complicated shape they can deal with. -% -They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! - -- The Blues Brothers -% -They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... - -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last - words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 -% -They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there -are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: - -(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate - 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press - conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 - million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including - brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in - the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them - there. -(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce - you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human - sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. - A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record - that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in - sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is - going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty - just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and -try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the -man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They -only want to count to two. - -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" -% -They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. - -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's - question about the suffering of starving miners. -% -They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. -% -They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. - -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" -% -They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. -% -They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- -especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, -but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. - -- Richard Nixon -% -They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when -not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to -learn this particular lesson. - -- Richard Stallman -% -They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the -system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First -we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. - -I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on -my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, -then we take Berlin. - -I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit -and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? -I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. - -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" -% -They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. -Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. - -- Mark Twain -% -They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results -About a month before. Their hair began to curl -The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it -But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. - -He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this -To pass where they had failed For it must ever be -And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest -The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. - -My notion was to start again -Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code -To see if it would run. -% -They told me you had proven it - About a month before. -The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try - But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed - And after we were done, to them - The new proof would be mailed. -My notion was to start again - Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results - To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl - Instead of understanding it - We'd run the thing through PRL. -Don't tell a soul about all this -For it must ever be -A secret, kept from all the rest -Between yourself and me. -% -They took some of the Van Goghs, most -of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! -% -They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat - -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard -% -They use different words for things in America. -For instance they say elevator and we say lift. -They say drapes and we say curtains. -They say president and we say brain damaged git. - -- Alexie Sayle -% -They went rushing down that freeway, -Messed around and got lost. -They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, -And it was life in the fast lane. - -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" -% -They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. - -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. -% -They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, -The man said "We got all that we can use", -So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', -Working-at-the-car-wash blues. - -- Jim Croce -% -They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me -back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out -of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid -for freedom. - -- Stig's Inferno -% -They're giving bank robbing a bad name. - -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde -% -They're just jealous because they don't have three -wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. - -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the - ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. -% -They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! -% -Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become -their property that they may more perfectly respect it. - -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" -% -Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. - -- Dwight Eisenhower -% -Things are more like they used to be than they are new. -% -Things are not always what they seem. - -- Phaedrus -% -Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. -% -Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. -% -Things past redress and now with me past care. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -Things will be bright in P.M. -A cop will shine a light in your face. -% -Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. - -- Will Rogers -% -Things worth having are worth cheating for. -% -Think big. -Pollute the Mississippi. -% -Think honk if you're a telepath. -% -Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. - -- Darrell Royal -% -Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! -% -Think of your family tonight. -Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. -% -Think sideways! - -- Ed De Bono -% -Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". -% -Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. - -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" -% -Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? -It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine -Have made my days and nights imperishable, -Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, -Innumerable atoms; and one desert, -Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, -But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, -Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. -% -Thirteen at a table is unlucky only -when the hostess has only twelve chops. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Thirty white horses on a red hill, -First they champ, -Then they stamp, -Then they stand still. - -- Tolkien -% -This ae nighte, this ae nighte, -Everye nighte and alle, -Fire and sleet and candlelyte, -And Christe receive thy saule. - -- The Lykewake Dirge -% -This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can -speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; -batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, -deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, -Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, -spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, -beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, -pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; -half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have -a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, -individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be -limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? -% -This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. -(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) - -- Found on a door in the MSU music building -% -This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. -% -This file will self-destruct in five minutes. -% -This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate -need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates -random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come -up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at -all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. -% -This fortune intentionally not included. -% -This fortune intentionally says nothing. -% -This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose -invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. -% -This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! -% -This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. -% -This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. -% -This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. -% -This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. -% -This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. -We have emotional moving vans. - -- Bruce Feirstein -% -This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your -bags! I just won the California lottery!" - "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" - "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out -of the house by dinner!" -% -This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, -regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... -% -This is a good time to punt work. -% -This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. -Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. -% -This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my -Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage -and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! -% -This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, -and not enough hunchbacks. -% -This is for all ill-treated fellows - Unborn and unbegot, -For them to read when they're in trouble - And I am not. - -- A.E. Housman -% -This is Jim Rockford. -At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. -% -This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and -his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. -Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. -% -This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? -I don't talk to machines! [Click] -% -This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. -% -This is NOT a repeat. -% -This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The -spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men -who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. - -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 -% -This is supposed to be a happy occasion. -Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! -% -This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, -meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars -and come alone. I'm serious! -% -This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, -which is a little ironic since we may not have one. - -- Arthur Clarke -% -This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the -power of computers: - -Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the -thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum -level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that -one should eat each day: - - 1/2 chicken - 1 egg - 1 glass of skim milk - 27 heads of lettuce. - -- Rev. Adrian Melott -% -This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - -- Winston Churchill -% -This is the theory that Jack built. -This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. -This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... -% -This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -And now you know why. -% -This is the way the world ends, -This is the way the world ends, -This is the way the world ends, -Not with a bang but with a whimper. - -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" -% -This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper -% -This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's -constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's -been called by others the fiddle factor..." - -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. -% -This land is my land, and only my land, -I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, -If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, -This land is private property. - -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie -% -This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an -actual life, you would have received further instructions as -to what to do and where to go. -% -This life is yours. Some of it was given -to you; the rest, you made yourself. -% -This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. -% -This login session: $13.99 -% -This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. -% -This night methinks is but the daylight sick. - -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" -% -This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with -great force. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers -are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people -who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets -don't actually hurt. - One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a -Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his -hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're -man enough to take me on?" - The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the -Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two -tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of -a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the -Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, -"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" - The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) -charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. -After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine -crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, -"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, -replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" -% -This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've -got to find a way off this planet. -% -This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of -the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many -solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were -largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, -which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of -paper that were unhappy. - -- Douglas Adams -% -This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does -something child-like. - -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington -% -This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real -persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some -assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during -shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If -condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. -Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, -indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error -or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial -penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled -check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families -are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time -offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. -Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does -not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call -toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product -appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do -not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be -paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many -suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction -strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror -are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes -all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. -% -This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his -mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry -often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and -adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. - -- Lazarus Long -% -This screen intentionally left blank. -% -This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. -% -This sentence no verb. -% -This system will self-destruct in five minutes. -% -This thing all things devours: -Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; -Gnaws iron, bites steel; -Grinds hard stones to meal; -Slays king, ruins town, -And beats high mountain down. -% -This unit... must... survive. -% -This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the -contents may have occurred during shipment. -% -This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard -dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, -pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. - -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" -% -This was the most unkindest cut of all. - -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" -% -This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. -This was terrible with raisins in it. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! -% -This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. -% -This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. -The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup -could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" - The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car -wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged -pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow -and was lying about twenty feet away. - There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by -"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" -% -Those lovable Brits department: - They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. -% -Those of you who think you know everything -are annoying those of us who do. -% -Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. -% -Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) -are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse -at are called software. - -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological - Literacy for the 1990's. -% -Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have -learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. - -- W.S. Krabill -% -Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of -Silly Putty. - -- Dennis Rawlins -% -Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. -% -Those who can, do; those who can't, write. -Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. -% -Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - -- George Santayana -% -Those who can't write, write manuals. -% -Those who claim the dead never return -to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. -% -Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. -% -Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Those who do things in a noble spirit of -self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. - -- N. Alexander. -% -Those who educate children well are more to be honored than -parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. - -- Aristotle -% -Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty -Often have a share in their misfortunes. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" -% -Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the -world is love. The poor know that it is money. - -- Gerald Brenan -% -Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. -% -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible -will make violent revolution inevitable. - -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy -% -Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are -men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean -without the roar of its many waters. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels -Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. -While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise -PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze -Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. - -Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde -Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord -Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled -Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled -The highest rung. In his bung. - -Because in life they prayed so ill -And offered god such swinish swill -Now they sweat in flames of hell -Sweat from lack of APL -Sweat dung! -% -Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. -% -Thou hast seen nothing yet. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% -Though I respect that a lot -I'd be fired if that were my job -After killing Jason off and -Countless screaming argonauts - -Bluebird of friendliness -Like guardian angels it's -Always near - -Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch -Who watches over you -Make a little birdhouse in your soul -Not to put too fine a point on it -Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet -Make a little birdhouse in your soul - - -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants -% -Thrashing is just virtual crashing. -% -Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are -the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with -Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- -whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... -A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any -more about the matter than the others. -% -Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. - -- Trollope -% -Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, -all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: -"Old MacDonald had a . . ." - - "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. - "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. - "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the - service station," said the Missourian. - "Wrong." - "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. - "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" - "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." -% -Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought -is irksome and three minutes is a long time. - -- A.E. Houseman -% -Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too -late or a little too early for anything you want to do. - -- Jean-Paul Sartre -% -Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, -Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, -Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, -One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne -In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. -One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, -One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them -In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. - -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" -% -Three rules for sounding like an expert: - 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. - 2. Always point out second-order effects, - but never point out when they can be ignored. - 3. Come up with three rules of your own. -% -Throw away documentation and manuals, -and users will be a hundred times happier. -Throw away privileges and quotas, -and users will do the Right Thing. -Throw away proprietary and site licenses, -and there won't be any pirating. - -If these three aren't enough, -just stay at your home directory -and let all processes take their course. -% -Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know -what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program -is its own hell." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will - be productive." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to - be maintained." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Time for you to leave." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "When you have learned to snatch the error code from - the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, - hardware is useless." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thus spake the master programmer: - "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you - can't make him computer literate." - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Thyme's Law: - Everything goes wrong at once. -% -Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day -Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way -Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown -Waiting for someone or something to show you the way - -Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find -Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you -You are young and life is long No one told you when to run -And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun - -And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking -And racing around to come up behind you again -The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older -Shorter of breath and one day closer to death - -Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation - is the English way -Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over -Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... -Or half a page of scribbled lines - -- Pink Floyd, "Time" -% -Tiddely Quiddely -Edward M. Kennedy -Quite unaccountably -Drove in a stream. - -Pleas of amnesia -Incomprehensible -Possibly shattered -Political dream. -% -Tiger got to hunt, -Bird got to fly; -Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" - -Tiger got to sleep, -Bird got to land; -Man got to tell himself he understand. - -- The Books of Bokonon -% -Time and tide wait for no man. -% -Time as he grows old teaches all things. - -- Aeschylus -% -Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -% -Time goes, you say? -Ah no! -Time stays, *we* go. - -- Austin Dobson -% -Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - -- Hector Berlioz -% -Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. - -- Ford Prefect -% -Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. - -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -% -Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. -% -Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -Time is nature's way of making sure that -everything doesn't happen at once. - -Space is nature's way of making sure that -everything doesn't happen to you. -% -Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. - -- Theophrastus -% -Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. -% -Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. -% -Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. -% -Time to take stock. -Go home with some office supplies. -% -Time washes clean -Love's wounds unseen. -That's what someone told me; -But I don't know what it means. - -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" -% -Time will end all my troubles, -but I don't always approve of Time's methods. -% -Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. - -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) -% -timesharing, n: - An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. -% -Timing must be perfect now. -Two-timing must be better than perfect. -% -Tip of the Day: - Never fry bacon in the nude. -% -Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. - -- J. LeBoutillier -% -Tip the world over on its side and -everything loose will land in Los Angeles. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: - Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. - There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. - Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than - they would ordinarily. - There is no music in space. - People will pay to watch people make sounds. - Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. -% -TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of -force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", -the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available -to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants -recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. -Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... - "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has - never been easier." -Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use -it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector -components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the -work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the -magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how -much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! -But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous -Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get -Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! -Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... -1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not -available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. -% -Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. -% -'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he -is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and -stopping at red lights are both optional. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% -To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go -above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan -to spend a few days there. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% -To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons -in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% -To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, -in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The -only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the -Swedes speak better English." - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% -To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than -a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred -thousand. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% -To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. -To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither -oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. - -- Epictetus -% -To add insult to injury. - -- Phaedrus -% -To any truly impartial person, it would -be obvious that I am always right. -% -To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. - -- Shelley -% -To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who -should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. - -- Thackeray -% -To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job -than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. -% -To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North -Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. - -- Confucius -% -To be great is to be misunderstood. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in -Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's -fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. -It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country -in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar -weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can -be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is -a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States -and not be happy. - -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" -% -To be is to be related. - -- C.J. Keyser. -% -To be is to do. - -- I. Kant -To do is to be. - -- A. Sartre -Do be a Do Bee! - -- Miss Connie, Romper Room -Do be do be do! - -- F. Sinatra -Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - -- F. Flintstone -% -To be loved is very demoralizing. - -- Katharine Hepburn -% -to be nobody but yourself in a world -which is doing its best night and day -to make you like everybody else -means to fight the hardest battle -any human being can fight and -never stop fighting. - -- e.e. cummings -% -To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, -night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest -battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. - -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" -% -To be or not to be. - -- Shakespeare -To do is to be. - -- Nietzsche -To be is to do. - -- Sartre -Do be do be do. - -- Sinatra -% -To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. -% -To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects -but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. - -- Lionel Strachey -% -To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. - -- Golda Meir -% -To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times -as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. -% -To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first -and, whatever you hit, call it the target. -% -To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. -% -To be who one is, is not to be someone else. -% -To be wise, the only thing you really need -to know is when to say "I don't know." -% -To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for -you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- -To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, -To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, -To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, - To write those routines -To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, -To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV -To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. -To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true - To this glorious quest, -And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, -That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. - destined to lose, -Still strove with his last allocation -To scrap the unscrappable kludge! - -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha -% -To communicate is the beginning of understanding. - -- AT&T -% -To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances -may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. - -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 -% -To craunch a marmoset. - -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" -% -To criticize the incompetent is easy; -it is more difficult to criticize the competent. -% -To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. - -- Senator Edmund Muskie -% -To do nothing is to be nothing. -% -To do two things at once is to do neither. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally -convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. - -- H. Poincare -% -To err is human -- but it feels divine. - -- Mae West -% -To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. -% -To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. -% -To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. -% -To err is human, but when the eraser wears out -before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. -% -To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. -% -To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. -% -To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. -% -To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. -% -To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. - -- MIT Assassination Club -% -To err is human, to forgive unusual. -% -To err is human, to purr feline. -To err is human, two curs canine. -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% -To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -To err is human. -To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. -% -To err is human, -To purr feline. - -- Robert Byrne -% -To err is humor. -% -To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: -A time to be born, and a time to die; -A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; -A time to kill, and a time to heal; -A time to break down, and a time to build up; -A time to weep, and a time to laugh; -A time to mourn, and a time to dance; -A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; -A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; -A time to gain, and a time to lose; -A time to keep, and a time to throw away; -A time to tear, and a time to sew; -A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; -A time to love, and a time to hate; -A time of war, and a time of peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 -% -To fear love is to fear life, and those -who fear life are already three parts dead. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. - -- Norman Douglas -% -To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. -% -To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. -To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. -% -To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three -persons, two of them absent. -% -To give happiness is to deserve happiness. -% -To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. -% -To have died once is enough. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -To hell with the Prime Directive; -Let's KILL something! -% -To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - -- Thomas Edison -% -To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - -- Robert Heller -% -To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. - -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations -% -To keep your friends treat them kindly; -to kill them, treat them often. -% -To know Edina is to reject it. - -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" -% -To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. -% -To lead people, you must follow behind. - -- Lao Tsu -% -To listen to some devout people, -one would imagine that God never laughs. - -- Sri Aurobindo -% -To love is good, love being difficult. -% -To make an enemy, do someone a favor. -% -To make tax forms true they should -read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". -% -To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. - -- St. Augustine -% -TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered -where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the -circus and a clown killed my dad. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura -bitters. Shake. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. -% -To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. - -- 19th century toast -% -To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. -% -To restore a sense of reality, I think -Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. - -- Jack Paar -% -To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. -% -To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, -but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor -micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. - -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp -% -To say you got a vote of confidence -would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. - -- Andrew Young -% -To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. -% -To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, -and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was -agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. -There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; -it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of -tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of -mind over matter; quite. - -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" -% -To see you is to sympathize. -% -To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts -the job will take the longest and cost the most. -% -To stand and be still, -At the Birkenhead drill, -Is a damned tough bullet to chew. - -- Rudyard Kipling -% -To stay young requires unceasing cultivation -of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" -% -To stay youthful, stay useful. -% -To teach is to learn. -% -To teach is to learn twice. - -- Joseph Joubert -% -To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. -% -To Theodore Roosevelt: - You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. -The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but -you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, -must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. - Mulay Hamid El Raisuli - Lord of the Riff - Sultan to the Berbers - Last of the Barbary Pirates -% -To thine own self be true. -(If not that, at least make some money.) -% -To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is -madness. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional -system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, -inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: -precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, -uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, -well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures -of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very -secure ecological niche. - -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" -% -TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: - - Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care -what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you -may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. - Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required -to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the -destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted -or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your -receiving said benefit. - I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between -yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving -as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may -in some way be influenced by this ceremony. - Amen. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" -% -To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. -% -To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what -he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. -% -To use violence is to already be defeated. - -- Chinese proverb -% -To whom the mornings are like nights, -What must the midnights be! - -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) -% -To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly -strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. -Then bind them to a metaphor or three, -and take by force a satisfying mesh. -Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. -You are the master here, and they the slaves. -Now whip them to maintain a constant pace -and rhythm as they stand in even staves. -A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! -What use are words that drive not to the heart? -A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, -and choose more docile words to take its part. -A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, -by making love directly to the brain. -% -To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. - -- Woody Allen -% -Tobacco is a filthy weed, -That from the devil does proceed; -It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, -And makes a chimney of your nose. - -- B. Waterhouse -% -TODAY: - A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. -% -Today is a good day for information-gathering. -Read someone else's mail file. -% -Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. -% -Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of your life. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. -% -Today is the last day of your life so far. -% -Today is what happened to yesterday. -% -Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a -cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a -boarder. -% -Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. -% -Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new -cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more -spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! - -- Bob & Ray -% -Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. - -- H.S. Thompson -% -Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. -% -toilet toupee, n: - Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus - creating endless annoyance to male users. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. - -- Gore Vidal -% -Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past -but fortunately, it can still be changed today. -% -Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. -% -Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. -% -Tomorrow's computers some time next month. - -- DEC -% -Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. -% -Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; -Don't forget to leave a tip. -% -Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: - If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. -% -Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy -driving cabs and cutting hair. - -- George Burns -% -TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin -real fast and freak everybody out. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Too clever is dumb. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Too cool to calypso, -Too tough to tango, -Too weird to watusi - -- The Only Ones -% -Too Late - A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by -the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in -the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after -the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. - -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 -% -Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. -They seem more afraid of life than death. - -- James F. Byrnes -% -Too much is just enough. - -- Mark Twain, on whiskey -% -Too much is not enough. -% -Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. - -- Mae West -% -Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for -anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations -in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." - -- Instrument News - [Once is too often. Ed.] -% -Too ripped. Gotta go. -% -Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. -% -Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: - -10: Sorry, but that's too useful. - 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! - 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell - #pragma is for. - 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too - hard to write. - 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. - 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? - 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" - 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. - 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. - 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. -% -Topologists are just plane folks. - Pilots are just plane folks. - Carpenters are just plane folks. - Midwest farmers are just plain folks. - Musicians are just playin' folks. - Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. -Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. -% -Torque is cheap. -% -Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. -% -TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): - I'm the person your mother warned you about. -% -Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. - -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" -% -Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you -get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." - -- David Letterman -% -Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme -personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. - -- A. Gide -% -Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. - -- David Letterman -% -TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED -% -TRANSFER: - A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. -% -TRANSPARENT: - Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. - "It's there, but you can't see it" - -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. - -VIRTUAL: - Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. - "I can see it, but it's not there." - -- Lady Macbeth. -% -TRANSVESTITE: - Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. -% -Trap full -- please empty. -% -TRAVEL: - Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. -% -Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. -% -Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. - -- Han Solo -% -Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. -"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. - "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has -to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or -by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms -for a short spell?" -% -Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. - -- Publilius Syrus -% -Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. - -- Charles DeGaulle -% -Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. - -- Michelangelo -% -Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. -% -Trouble always comes at the wrong time. -% -Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the -next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of -a brand new series of three. -% -Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are -beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. -% -Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. -% -True happiness will be found only in true love. -% -True leadership is the art of changing -a group from what it is to what it ought to be. - -- Virginia Allan -% -True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of -personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. - -- David Mamet -% -Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% -Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Trust everybody, but cut the cards. - -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" -% -Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. - -- Arabian proverb -% -TRUST ME: - Get me, give me, buy me, do me. -% -TRUST ME: - Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." -% -Trust your husband, adore your husband, -and get as much as you can in your own name. - -- Joan Rivers -% -Truth can wait; he's used to it. -% -Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. - -- Albert Schweitzer -% -Truth is free, but information costs. -% -Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. -% -"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." -% -Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. - -- Mark Twain -% -Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy -of him that brought her birth. - -- Milton -% -Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) -% -TRUTHFUL: - Dumb and illiterate. -% -try again -% -Try not to have a good time ... -This is supposed to be educational. - -- Charles Schulz -% -Try not. -Do. -Or do not. -There is no try. -% -Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. -% -Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. -% -Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. -% -Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. -% -Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is -it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four -tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for -novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, -the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. - -- Amrom Katz -% -Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. -% -Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. -% -Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. -% -Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for -which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. -% -Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. - -- Alan Watts -% -Trying to get an education here is like -trying to take a drink from a fire hose. -% -T-shirt: - Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! -% -Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. -% -Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. -% -Turn on, tune in, and take over. - -- Tim Leary -% -Turn the other cheek. - -- Jesus Christ -% -Turnaucka's Law: - The attention span of a computer is only as long as its - electrical cord. -% -Tussman's Law: - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -% -TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, -and I never even had the decency to thank her. - -- R.B. Gossling -% -"Twas bergen and the eirie road -Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! -All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails -And the red bank bayonne. that claw! - Beware the bound brook bird, and shun -He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." -Long time the folsom foe he sought -Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, -And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, - Came whippany through the englewood, -One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. - and through -The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? -He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! -He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" - He caldwell in his joy. -Did mahwah into patterson: -All jersey were the ocean groves, -And the red bank bayonne. - -- Paul Kieffer -% -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame -All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood -And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! - -"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! -The jaws that bite, and through and through - the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. -Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, -And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. - -He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? -Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! -So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" -And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. - - 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves - Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. - All mimsy were the borogroves - -- Lewis Carroll -% -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! -All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws -And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! - Beware the Jubjub bird, -He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" -Long time the manxome foe he sought. -So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood -And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame - Came whuffling through the tulgey wood -One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! - through -The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? -He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! -And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" - He chortled in his joy. -'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves -Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. -All mimsy were the borogroves -And the mome raths outgrabe. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" -% -'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers -Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! -All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth -By market's wrath unphased. that falls! - Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun -He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" -Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - -Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood -And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, - Came waffling with the truth too good, -Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! - and through -The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? -It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! -He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" - He bought him a Mercedes Toy. -'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers -Did gyre and tumble in the Crash -All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers -And mammon's wrath them bash! - -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" -% -'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks -Did gyre and gimble in their cave -All mimsy was the CS-VAX -And Cory raths outgrave. - -"Beware the software rot, my son! -The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! -Beware the broken pipe, and shun -The frumious system crash!" -% -'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, -Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, -So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way -To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. - -The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door -Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, -Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, -On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. - -She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale -Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, -As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey -And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. - -- Midnight On The Ocean -% -'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- -When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. -Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, -A satellite spotted him making his way. -The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire -Was ready for action, and started to fire! -The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky -Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. -I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys -When out of my chimney there came a great noise. -I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see -St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. -But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: -A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! -Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; -Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. -So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: -The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. -Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; -'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. -It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, -If the crazy contraption would work very well. -So after a trillion or two had been spent -The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. -So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, -There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. -% -Twenty two thousand days. -Twenty two thousand days. -It's not a lot. -It's all you've got. -Twenty two thousand days. - -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" -% -Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers -in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and -was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy -fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. - Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, -"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." - "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. - Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous -collision course with that ship. - The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on -a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." - Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." - In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 -degrees!" - "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change -course 20 degrees." - By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a -battleship, change course 20 degrees." - Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" - We changed course. - -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" -% -Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. -% -Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The -penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, -"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The -owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks -up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating -away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to -the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to -the movies!" -% -Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his -barstool and lay motionless on the floor. - "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure -knows when to stop." -% -Two heads are better than one. - -- John Heywood -% -Two heads are more numerous than one. -% -Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was -performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by -British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General -Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in -her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided -a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon -entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, -and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their -search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the -incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event -became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. -% -Two is company, three is an orgy. -% -Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. -% -Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a -canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can -call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the -end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" - So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where -are we?" (They hear the echo several times). - Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! -You're lost!" - The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." - Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" - "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, -he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." -% -Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, -"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, -"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour -trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising -his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine -the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself -and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man -did it and must pay three silver pieces." -% -Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. -% -Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, -with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that -toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. - "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look -at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the -dry side. - "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" - "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." -% -Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. -% -Two percent of zero is almost nothing. -% -Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. -% -Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By -the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" - "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" -% -Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. -I forget the second. -% -Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one -orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more -and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When -they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, -toasts him, "Skoal!" - The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come -here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" -% -Two wrongs are only the beginning. - -- Kohn -% -Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. - -- Thomas Szasz -% -Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? -In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? -What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp -Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? - -Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears -The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears -On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? -What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? - -And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright -Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, -And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye -What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? - -Could fetch it from the furnace deep -And in thy horrid ribs dare steep -In the well of sanguine woe? -In what clay & in what mould -Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? - -- William Blake, "The Tyger" -% -Type louder, please. -% -U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! - Run right up and rub its horn. - Look at all those points you're losing! - UMBER HULKS are so confusing. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Udall's Fourth Law: - Any change or reform you make - is going to have consequences you don't like. -% -UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. -% -Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, -straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: -Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. - -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" -% -Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. -Sorry for the confusion. - -- Sun Microsystems -% -Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the -woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some -leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts -coughing and drops dead. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? -It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? -% -Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: - Never use your thumb for a rule. - You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. -% -Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some -ordinance under which you can be booked. - -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. -% -Under capitalism, man exploits man. -Under communism, it's just the opposite. - -- J.K. Galbraith -% -Under deadline pressure for the next week. -If you want something, it can wait. -Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... -% -Under every stone lurks a politician. - -- Aristophanes -% -Under the wide an starry sky, -Dig my grave and let me lie, -Glad did I live and gladly die, -And laid me down with a will, -And this be the verse that you grave for me, -Here he lies where he longed to be, -Home is the sailor home from the sea, -And the hunter home from the hill. - -- R. Kipling -% -Under the wide and heavy VAX -Dig my grave and let me relax -Long have I lived, and many my hacks -And I lay me down with a will. -These be the words that tell the way: -"Here he lies who piped 64K, -Brought down the machine for nearly a day, -And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." -% -Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: - Superiority is recessive. -% -understand, v: - To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which - you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the - basis of your own internal model instead. -% -Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem -in relation to a bigger problem. - -- P.D. Ouspensky -% -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson -% -UNFAIR COMPETITION: - Selling cheaper than we do. -% -Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many -friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to -throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, -slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. - -- Jon Bentley -% -Unhappy the land that needs heroes. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -UNION: - A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. -% -United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas -season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military -forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of -every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time -low over the world. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -UNIVERSE: - The problem. -% -universe, n: - The problem. -% -Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little -in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. -% -UNIVERSITY: - Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's - usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell - you how to fix it, and... - - [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying - the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] -% -University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -UNIX enhancements aren't. -% -Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple -of more feet, just to be sure. - -- Eric Allman - -... We make rope. - -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory. -% -Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix -hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- -but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. -People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the -world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. - -- E. Post - "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 -% -Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. - -- Donn Seeley -% -UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver -lightning with a laserbeam kicker. - -- Michael Jay Tucker -% -UNIX is many things to many people, -but it's never been everything to anybody. -% -Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. - -- Berry Kercheval -% -Unix, n: - A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and - impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off - with the workstation harem. -% -unix soit qui mal y pense -% -UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that -would also stop you from doing clever things. - -- Doug Gwyn -% -Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... -% -Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime -between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white -and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. - -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 -% -Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues -of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself -a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst -be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth -time waste me. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. - -- E.E. Cummings -% -Unnamed Law: - If it happens, it must be possible. -% -Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, -unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. - -- Edward Gibbon -% -Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now -pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - -- H.L. Mencken -% -Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. - -- Richard Amour -% -UNTOLD WEALTH: - What you left out on April 15th. -% -Up against the net, redneck mother, -Mother who has raised your son so well; -He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, -Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... -% -Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid -or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth -noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -% -Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... -% -Use a pun, go to jail. -% -Use an accordion. Go to jail. - -- KFOG, San Francisco -% -Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent -if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - -- Henry Van Dyke -% -USENET would be a better laboratory is there were -more labor and less oratory. - -- Elizabeth Haley -% -USER: - A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. -% -User hostile. -% -user, n: - The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." - -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" - -[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used - when they meant "idiot." Ed.] -% -Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. - -- S.C. Johnson -% -Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. - -- Tom Robbins -% -/usr/news/gotcha -% -Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. - -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" -% -VACATION: - A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that - it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday - life-style to recuperate. -% -Van Roy's Law: - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -% -Van Roy's Law: - Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. - -Van Roy's Truism: - Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. -% -Variables don't; constants aren't. -% -Vax Vobiscum -% -Vegetables are what food eats. -Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. -Fish are fast moving vegetables. -Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. - -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams -% -Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. -% -Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: - 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. - 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. -% -Veni, Vidi, VISA: - I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. -% -Verba volant, scripta manent! -% -Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. - -- E.F. Benson -% -Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The -reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of -thirty-five. - -- Joel Hildebrand -% -Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. -% -Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an -infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one -could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow -somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew -ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is -quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can -lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its -outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable -little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole -for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the -screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, -is presumably working on it. -% -Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen -at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. - -- Herodotus -% -Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. -% -VI: - A hungry dog hunts best. - A hungrier dog hunts even better. -VII: - Decreased business base increases overhead. - So does increased business base. -VIII: - The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator - is fifth grade arithmetic. -IX: - Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent - possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. -X: - Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. - People do not win people fights; lawyers do. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Victory uber allies! -% -Viking, n: - 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, - entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import - business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. - 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning - in the 9th century. - -Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used -only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront -property. -% -Vini, vidi, vici. -[I came, I saw, I conquered]. - -- Gaius Julius Caesar -% -"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked -violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method -ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the -issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? -% -Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. -% -Violence is molding. -% -Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - -- Salvador Hardin -% -Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then -there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a -frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we -weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as -impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but -shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. - -- Tom Robbins -% -VIRGINIA: - A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind - baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. -% -VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is -sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes -fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. -% -VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count - to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this - morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you - wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of - that old underwear you own. -% -Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- -only the willingness to make it when necessary. - -- Frederick Dunn -% -Virtue is its own punishment. - -- Denniston - -Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. - -- Aneurin Bevan -% -Virtue is not left to stand alone. -He who practices it will have neighbors. - -- Confucius -% -Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. -% -Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. -% -Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. - -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" -% -VMS, n: - The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. -% -VMS version 2.0 ==> -% -Voicless it cries, -Wingless flutters, -Toothless bites, -Mouthless mutters. -% -VOLCANO: - A mountain with hiccups. -% -Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim -And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, -And to him who's scientific -There is nothing that's terrific -In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! - -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" -% -Volley Theory: - It is better to have lobbed and lost - than never to have lobbed at all. -% -Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann -supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on -the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked -how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful -information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von -Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". -% -Vote anarchist. -% -Vote early and vote often. - -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform - campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. -% -VUJA DE: - The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. -% -Wad some power the giftie gie us -To see oursels as others see us. - -- R. Browning -% -Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - -- Mark Twain -% -Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. - -- Pericles -% -Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" -1st customer: "I'll have tea." -2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" - (Waiter exits, returns) -Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" -% -Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, -Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. -Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, -Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. - -Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. -Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. -Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. -Make our country well again, respected by the world. - -Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. -Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. -Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, -Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. - -- Pansy Myers Schroeder -% -Wake up and smell the coffee. - -- Ann Landers -% -Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered -a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. -% -Walk softly and carry a big stick. - -- Theodore Roosevelt -% -Walking on water wasn't built in a day. - -- Jack Kerouac -% -Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? -Garp: Gradual school? -Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching - gradual school. -Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually - find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. - -- The World According To Garp -% -Walters' Rule: - All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from - the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation - on a plane that left Gate 1. -% -Wanna buy a duck? -% -Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, -A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. -But then one day he was shootin' at some food, -When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; - black gold; 'Texas tea' ... - -Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. -The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' -They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', -So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; - swimmin' pools; movie stars. -% -War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. -% -War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - -- Charles Edward Montague -% -War is an equal opportunity destroyer. -% -War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. - -- Desiderius Erasmus -% -War is like love, it always finds a way. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" -% -War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. - -- Clemenceau -% -War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. - -- Anacreon -% -WARNING: - Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your - mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth - of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome - of your favorite war. -% -WARNING! - This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! -A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the -user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program -to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional -to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only -aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the -entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause -it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice -things to the terminal. -% -Warning: Trespassers will be shot. -Survivors will be shot again. -% -WARNING!!! -This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. - -A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the -operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the -machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional -to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence -only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine -may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool -and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. - -See also: flog(1), tm(1) -% -Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles -In children's circuses could stay their troubles? -There was a time they could cry over books, -But time has set its maggot on their track. -Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. -What's never known is safest in this life. -Under the skysigns they who have no arms -Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost -Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. - -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" -% -Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. -% -Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. -% -Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for -the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. - -- Ada Louise Huxtable -% -Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer -knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? -% -Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. - -- Euripides -% -Waste not, get your budget cut next year. -% -Wasting time is an important part of living. -% -Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. -% -Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. - -- Han Solo -% -Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. - -- Mark Twain -% -Watership Down: -You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! -% -Watson's Law: - The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the - number and significance of any persons watching it. -% -WE: - The single most important word in the world. -% -We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on -when it's necessary to compromise. - -- Larry Wall -% -We all declare for liberty, but in using the -same word we do not all mean the same thing. - -- A. Lincoln -% -We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. -% -We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. -% -We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. -% -We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. - -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis -% -We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. - -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer -% -We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is -whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling -is that it is not crazy enough. - -- Niels Bohr -% -We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized -before we are fit to participate in society. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly - Correct Behaviour" -% -We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. -% -We are all born mad. Some remain so. - -- Samuel Beckett -% -We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. -% -We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. - -- A. Schweitzer -% -We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. - -- Winston Churchill -% -We are anthill men upon an anthill world. - -- Ray Bradbury -% -We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. - -- Whole Earth Catalog -% -We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. - -- Pogo -% -We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. - -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends -% -We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his -own facts. - -- Patrick Moynihan -% -We are each only one drop in a great -ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! -% -We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. -% -We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese -dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. - -- J.Hoover -% -We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to -socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad -thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? - -- Fidel Castro -% -We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. -Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. -% -We are not a clone. -% -We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. - -- John Fisher -% -We are not alone. -% -We are not loved by our friends for what we are; -rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. - -- Victor Hugo -% -We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to -develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers -Manual. - -- Andrew Hume -% -We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. -% -We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. - -- Jonathon Swift -% -We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check -the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. - -This is a recording. -% -We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and -share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft -our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, -leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine -the substance that cast them. -% -We are the people our parents warned us about. -% -We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... -to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... - -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 -% -We are what we are. -% -We are what we pretend to be. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. -% -We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. - -- Yates -% -We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the -technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra -% -We cannot command nature except by obeying her. - -- Sir Francis Bacon -% -We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. - -- Richard Nixon -% -We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our -feet and go skating. - -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. -% -We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, -take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send -forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search -into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and -beautiful Universe, Our home. - -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler -% -We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. - -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach -% -We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. -% -We don't care how they do it in New York. -% -We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. - -- James Watt, noted theologian -% -We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. -% -We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. -% -We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure -that it wasn't a fish. - -- Marshall McLuhan -% -We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. - -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 -% -We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. - -- Pink Floyd -% -We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation -We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control -No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings -Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? -Chorus: (Chorus) - Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. - -We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation -We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes -No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging -Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? -(Chorus) (Chorus) - -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd -% -We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. -% -We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. - -- Walter Summers -% -We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't -understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! -% -We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... -Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to -visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological -hammer. - -- Charles Darwin -% -We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -We gotta get out of this place, -If it's the last thing we ever do. - -- The Animals -% -We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. -% -We have art that we do not die of the truth. - -- Nietzsche -% -We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! -% -We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new -levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, -almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like -men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of -Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result -is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the -creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of -redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. - -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 -% -We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. - -- Carl Sagan -% -We have met the enemy, and he is us. - -- Walt Kelly -% -We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent -than from the machinations of the wicked. -% -We have no scorched earth policy. -We have a policy of scorched Communists. - -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 -% -We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from -our children. -% -We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. - -- Margaret Mead -% -We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. - -- John Berryman -% -We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. -% -We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official -name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You -may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another -setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". - Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) -your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing -process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple -of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your -mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that -would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the -police would find you. - You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - -- Dave Barry -% -We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... -% -"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, -star of "The Muppet Show." [3] - -[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we -were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of -character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol -after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an -acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the -letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while -looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed -that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs -should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our -source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky -instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for -publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission -to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission -was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the -temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." - -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" -% -We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. - -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" -% -We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary -to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. -Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition -to crave knowledge. - -- George Will -% -We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support -of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support -the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we -know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in -which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or -about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as -his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our -hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on -pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly -by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose -feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. - -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 -% -We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. - -- Eric Hoffer -% -We love our little Johnny -He's the best little boy in all the world -And we wouldn't trade him for anything -That's how much we love him. -No, we couldn't live without him -So that's why, since he died, -We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. -He's so good, so well-behaved, -Even better than before; -Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. -Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, -Never miss our little Johnny, -He'll never grow up and leave us -That's why we love him like we do. - -- Mr. Mincemeat -% -"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call -free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens -show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do -our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." - -- Cameron Hawley -% -We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue -than malnutrition. - -- Alex Comfort -% -We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely -intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people -think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be -best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with -the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand -and speak English. - -- Alan M. Turing -% -We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern -their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of -their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor -Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say -nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among -themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a -proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, -we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the -Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but -internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof -of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be -accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on -earth. - -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" -% -We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever -popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take -under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light -of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, -filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. - -- Nolo News, summer 1989 -% -We may not return the affection of those who like us, -but we always respect their good judgement. -% -...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection -by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. -I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized -brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as -an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting -functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often -uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities -of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. - -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% -We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn -of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. - -- Saul Alinsky -% -We must die because we have known them. - -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. -% -We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must -condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like -the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of -chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan -for chess. - -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice - (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress - of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's - "Stalin," published London, 1939 -% -...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not -we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up -in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of -the past. - -- Joseph Wood Krutch -% -We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of -the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front -is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -We must remember the First Amendment which -protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. - -- F.G. Withington -% -We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to -the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his -children smart. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" -% -We only acknowledge small faults in order -to make it appear that we are free from great ones. - -- LaRouchefoucauld -% -We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the -originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has -forgotten its source. - -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" -% -We prefer to speak evil of ourselves -rather than not speak of ourselves at all. -% -We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. -% -We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, -content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. - -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) -% -We read to say that we have read. -% -We really don't have any enemies. -It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. -% -We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. - -- Thucydides -% -We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. - -- Jean de la Bruyere -% -We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is -in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot -stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that -is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. - -- Mark Twain -% -We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been -born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken -out and shot. - -- Strange de Jim -% -We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were -taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things -themselves. - -- John Locke -% -We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. -Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. - -- Dennis Miller -% -We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. - -- S.I. Hayakawa -% -We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they -remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that -the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than -the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, -states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. -These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who -want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that -they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and -who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. - -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner -% -We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. -We've done so much, for so long, with so little, -that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. -% -We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, -ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote -preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves -and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States -of America. -% -We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet -size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In -fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here -are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: - -EUPHEMISM REALITY -------------------- ------------------------- -Excited about life's journey No concept of reality -Spiritually evolved Oversensitive -Moody Manic-depressive -Soulful Quiet manic-depressive -Poet Boring manic-depressive -Sultry/Sensual Easy -Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills -Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills -Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills -Very human Quasimodo's best friend -Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still -Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained -Flexible Desperate -Aging child Self-centered adult -Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it -Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television -% -We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet -size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In -fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here -are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: - -EUPHEMISM REALITY -------------------- ------------------------- -Independent thinker Crazy -High spirited Crazy and hyperactive -Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible -Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious -Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple -Cuddly Overweight -Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) -Big and beautiful Really Fat -Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud -Svelte/Slender Anorexic -Dynamic Pushy -Assertive Pushy with a mean streak -Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung -Demanding Will make your life a living hell -Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich -% -We totally deny the allegations, and -we're trying to identify the allegators. -% -We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. -There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your -borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. - -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard -% -[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. - -- R.W. Hamming -% -We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here -depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. - -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" -% -We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh -[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run -behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, -but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The -next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come -a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. -The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says -to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." - -- Satchel Paige -% -We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we -were married for four and a half years. - -- Nick Faldo -% -We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. -% -We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. -If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. - -- Crazy Jimmy -% -We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was -also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a -French restaurant. [...] - I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk -white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her -boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the -bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad -rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished -there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] - "Stop the car," the girl said. - There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the -woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an -arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. - "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway -belle's for thee." - The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. -Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey -onto my granola and faced a new day. - -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway - Competition -% -We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal -tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous -extinction. - -- S.J. Gould -% -We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve -one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. -% -we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, -we will cry over things we used to laugh & -our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle -creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & -in the end a summer with wild winds & -new friends will be. -% -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -And a Sun Myung Moon! - -- Maxwell Smart -% -WEAPON: - An index of the lack of development of a culture. -% -Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - -- John Heywood -% -Wedding, n: - A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one - undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become - supportable. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. -% -Weed's Axiom: - Never ask two questions in a business letter. - The reply will discuss the one in which you are - least interested and say nothing about the other. -% -Weekend, where are you? -% -Weiler's Law: - Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. -% -Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get -rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that -was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer -question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" - -Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" -% -Weinberg's First Law: - Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. -% -Weinberg's Principle: - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping - on to the grand fallacy. -% -Weinberg's Second Law: - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, - then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -% -Weiner's Law of Libraries: - There are no answers, only cross references. -% -Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. -He'll come in handy if you run out of food. - -- Dean McLaughlin. -% -Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? - -D G G O - -O Y A N - -A D B T - -K I S P -Enter words: -> -% -Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, -The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. - -- Garrison Keillor -% -Welcome to the Zoo! -% -Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the -use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for -demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking -sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming -can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on -the reader! For example, the sentence - - Jane went to the store to buy bread - -should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something -sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a -cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if -Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control -of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive -my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! -Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are -standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) -% -Welcome to Utah. -If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! -% -Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized -that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that -all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but -James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive -women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took -*thousands* of words to say it. - Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic -Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. -Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because -what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk -as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a -major world power. - I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise -the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right -out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." - Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: - -* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize - nature and will kill you. -* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. - -- Dave Barry -% -We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday -night. Live, on the Death label. - -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" -% -Well begun is half done. - -- Aristotle -% -We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. -% -Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? -% -Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. - -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information - Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph - Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be - at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles - per hour, December 7, 1941. -% -Well, fancy giving money to the Government! -Might as well have put it down the drain. -Fancy giving money to the Government! -Nobody will see the stuff again. -Well, they've no idea what money's for -- -Ten to one they'll start another war. -I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! -Fancy giving money to the Government! - -- A.P. Herbert -% -We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. -% -Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, -to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot -of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or -mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be -reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 -Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months -going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, -such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the -Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public -is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who -ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he -can get through the entire show without answering a single question. - -- Dave Barry -% -Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, -The headline screamed that I was still alive, -I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. -I dreamed I'd been in a border town, -In a little cantina that the boys had found, -I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. -When along came a senorita, -She looked so good that I had to meet her, -I was ready to approach her with my English charm, -When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, -And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, -Grow some funk of your own. -We no like to with the gringo fight, -But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. -... -Take my advice, take the next flight, -And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. - -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" -% -Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them -back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, -or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they -they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile -% -Well, if you can't believe what you read -in a comic book, what *can* you believe? - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose -% -Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. - -- James Thurber -% -Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal -rights. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. -% -We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. -% -WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: - By the time the wheels make a full turn, we - assume you will have forgotten about it,too. -% -Well, my daddy left home when I was three, -And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, -Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. -Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, -But the meanest thing that he ever did, -Was before he left he went and named me Sue. -... -But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, -I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, -And kill the man that give me that awful name. -It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, -I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, -Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, -At an old saloon on a street of mud, -Sitting at a table, dealing stud, -Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. -... -Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, -From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, -And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... - -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" -% -Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, -And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; -I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, -Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, -'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, -But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. -Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, -I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -- Core Dumped Blues -% -We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! -% -Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, -And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, -But I take delight in the juice of the barley, -And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. -% -Well thaaaaaaat's okay. -% -Well, the handwriting is on the floor. - -- Joe E. Lewis -% -We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, -we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. - -- Dave Barry -% -Well, we'll really have a party, -but we've gotta post a guard outside. - -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" -% -"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in -poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come -and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" - -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" -% -Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, -And we're loved everywhere we go. -We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, -At ten thousand dollars a show. -We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, -But the thrill we've never known, -Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, -Who embroiders on my jeans. -I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, -Drivin' my limousine. -Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, -But our minds won't be really be blown; -Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, -Who'll do anything we say. -We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. -We got all the friends that money can buy, -So we never have to be alone. -And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, -On the cover of the Rolling Stone. - -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show - [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] -% -"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some -higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." -% -Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. - -- Buckaroo Banzai -% -WELL-ADJUSTED: - The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. -% -We -own -this land. - -I don't spend -any time -on this land. - -This -is a tiny -little piece - -of my -business -interests. - -It's like -a grain -of sand. - -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, - recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. - From SPY Magazine, November 1992 -% -We're all in this alone. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which -people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. -Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual -and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, -it's not going to do anything for you. - -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 -% -We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable -things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend -and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. - -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs -% -We're happy little Vegemites, - As bright as bright can be. -We all all enjoy our Vegemite - For breakfast, lunch and tea. -% -Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the -formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite -shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide -a grin. - -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" -% -We're Knights of the Round Table -We dance whene'er we're able -We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table -With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable -We dine well here in Camelot But many times -We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes - That are quite unsingable -In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot -Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. -Between our quests -We sequin vests -And impersonate Clark Gable -It's a busy life in Camelot. -I have to push the pram a lot. - -- Monty Python -% -We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. - -- D.W. Robertson. -% -We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- -but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and -then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? - -- Ensign Flandry -% -"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is -weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me -the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, -unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept -responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous -desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must -learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a -short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." - -- Don Juan -% -We're only in it for the volume. - -- Black Sabbath -% -Were there no women, men might live like gods. - -- Thomas Dekker -% -Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. -% -Westheimer's Discovery: - A couple of months in the laboratory can - frequently save a couple of hours in the library. -% -Wethern's Law: - Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -% -We've tried each spinning space mote -And reckoned its true worth: -Take us back again to the homes of men -On the cool, green hills of Earth. - -The arching sky is calling -Spacemen back to their trade. -All hands! Standby! Free falling! -And the lights below us fade. -Out ride the sons of Terra, -Far drives the thundering jet, -Up leaps the race of Earthmen, -Out, far, and onward yet-- - -We pray for one last landing -On the globe that gave us birth; -Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies -And the cool, green hills of Earth. - -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 -% -Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? -% -What!? Me worry? - -- A.E. Newman -% -What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script -by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary -Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! - -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" -% -What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to -understand what a misfortune it is. - -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. -% -What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. - -- WOP, "War Games" -% -What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. - -- Christopher Fry -% -What an artist dies with me! - -- Nero -% -What an author likes to write most is his signature on the -back of a cheque. - -- Brendan Francis -% -What awful irony is this? -We are as gods, but know it not. -% -What causes the mysterious death of everyone? -% -What color is a chameleon on a mirror? -% -What did ya do with your burder and your cross? -Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? -You and I know that a burden and a cross, -Can only be carried on one man's back. - -- Louden Wainwright III -% -What did you bring that book I didn't want -to be read to out of about Down Under up for? -% -What did you do when the ship sank? -I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. -% -What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person -is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes -that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is -the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to -live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in -others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. -% -What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. - -- Jerry Lester -% -What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? -Not enough sand. -% -What does education often do? -It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? -% -What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to -win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? -In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded -that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the -simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a -base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, -a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human -activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses -the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate -and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with -words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young -Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of -conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John -Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, -and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. - -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt -% -What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. - -- Nietzsche -% -What ever happened to happily ever after? -% -What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? - -- Roger von Oech -% -What foods these morsels be! -% -What fools these morals be! -% -What fools these mortals be. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. -% -What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down -where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. -% -What good is a ticket to the good life, -if you can't find the entrance? -% -What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? - -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" -% -What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow -in his footsteps? -% -What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -What happened last night can happen again. -% -What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations -involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will -be pretty bad. - -- Dave Barry -% -What happens to a dream deferred? -Does it dry up -Like a raisin in the sun? -Or fester like a sore -- -And then run? -Does it stink like rotten meat? -Or crust and sugar over -- -Like a syrupy sweet? - -Maybe it just sags -Like a heavy load. - -Or does it explode? - -- Langston Hughes -% -What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. -% -What has roots as nobody sees, -Is taller than trees, -Up, up it goes, -And yet never grows? -% -What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be -broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality -is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. - -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -What I tell you three times is true. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. -% -What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? -In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? -Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if there had been room at the inn? - -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity -% -What is a magician but a practising theorist? - -- Obi-Wan Kenobi -% -What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? - -- J.M. Barrie -% -What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making -them puke. - -- Steve Martin -% -What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. - -- Titus Lucretius Carus -% -What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the -will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of -weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue -but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of -our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. -What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and -all the weak: Christianity. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's -enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking -out of him. - -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" -% -What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires -an accomplice. - -- Charles Baudelaire -% -What is love but a second-hand emotion? - -- Tina Turner -% -What is mind? No matter. -What is matter? Never mind. - -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 -% -What is now proved was once only imagin'd. - -- William Blake -% -What is research but a blind date with knowledge? - -- Will Harvey -% -What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? - -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" -% -What is status? - Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. - -Uh, no... - Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a - problem with him. - -Uh, that still ain't right... - STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, - and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a - minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." -% -What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? -It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the -establishment of a Hilton on its peak. -% -What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? - -- Bertold Brecht -% -What is the sound of one hand clapping? -% -What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer -if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. - -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth - from outside Sinanju named Remo. -% -What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed -of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that -is the first law of nature. - -- Voltaire -% -What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed -to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and -may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is -simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, -big thumping lie that will then be believed. - -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of - British civilian morale, 1939 -% -What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, -which is the exact opposite. - -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 -% -What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, -but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. -% -What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither -goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? - -- Jack Kerouac -% -What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend -is that there's nothing to compare it with. -% -What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us -is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. -% -What makes you think graduate school -is supposed to be satisfying? - -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" -% -What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. -% -What no spouse of a writer can ever understand -is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. -% -What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! -A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. - -- Wilde -% -What on earth would a man do with himself -if something did not stand in his way? - -- H.G. Wells -% -What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. - -- John Lilly -% -What one fool can do, another can. - -- Ancient Simian Proverb -% -What orators lack in depth they make up in length. -% -What pains others pleasures me, -At home am I in Lisp or C; -There i couch in ecstasy, -'Til debugger's poke i flee, -Into kernel memory. -In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- -Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. -% -What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. - -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" -% -What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing -more than man's transparency. - -- George Nathan -% -What passes for woman's intuition -is often nothing more than man's transparency. -% -What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. -It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books -and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes -and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, -women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate -mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige -and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. - -- Susan Gordon -% -What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few -of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once -were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that -impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get -enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit -till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he -look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all -the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and -discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond -their grasp before they were five years old. - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% -What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - -- U.K. LeGuin -% -What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? - -- J.D. Farley -% -What segment's this, that, laid to rest -On FHA0, is sleeping? -What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," -While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. - Dump, dump it and type it out, - The file, the highseg of login. -Why lies it here, on public disk -And why is it now unprotected? -A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now -And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. - Dump, dump it and type it out, - The file, the highseg of login. - -- to Greensleeves -% -What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? -% -What soon grows old? Gratitude. - -- Aristotle -% -What, still alive at twenty-two, -A clean upstanding chap like you? -Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, -Slit your girl's, and swing for it. -Like enough, you won't be glad, -When they come to hang you, lad: -But bacon's not the only thing -That's cured by hanging from a string. -So, when the spilt ink of the night -Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, -Lads whose job is still to do -Shall whet their knives, and think of you. - -- Hugh Kingsmill -% -What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went -around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" -% -What the hell is it good for? - -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems - Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the - microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 -% -What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. -% -What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. - -- Nikita Khruschev -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." - (Yes, that about sums it up.) -"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." - (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) -"I simply can't say enough good things about him." - (What a screw-up.) -"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." - (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) -"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go -a long way with his skills." - (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) -"You won't find many people like her." - (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) -"I cannot recommend him too highly." - (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a - felony in my presence.) -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much -of him as I do." - (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) -"Her input was always critical." - (She never had a good word to say.) -"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." - (And it's nonexistent.) -"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which -already has so many outstanding members." - (Unless you already have a moron.) -"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: -one unbelievable result after another." - (And we didn't believe them, either.) -"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." - (In fact, to life in general...) -% -What they said: - What they meant: - -"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." - (We certainly never succeeded.) -There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. - (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) -"Success will never spoil him." - (Well, at least not MUCH more.) -"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." - (And such a sigh of relief.) -"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; -in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." - (And his IQ, as well.) -"He should go far." - (The farther the better.) -"He will take full advantage of his staff." - (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) -% -What they say: What they mean: - -A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. -Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. -Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. - to unforseen difficulties -Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. -Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be - assured grateful for anything at all. -Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! -Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! -The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got - to say something. -The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. -We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're - approach kicking it around. -A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but - we're moving. -Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. - inconclusive -Modifications are underway We're starting over. -% -What they say: What they mean: - -New Different colors from previous version. -All New Not compatible with previous version. -Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. -Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. -Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. -Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. -Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. -Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. -Field Tested We don't have any simulators. -Years of Development Finally got one to work. -Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. -Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. -Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. -No Maintenance Impossible to fix. -Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. -Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. -Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. -Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. -% -What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. -% -What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! -% -What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. -% -What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. -% -What time is it? -I don't know, it keeps changing. -% -What upsets me is not that you lied to me, -but that from now on I can no longer believe you. - -- Nietzsche -% -What we Are is God's give to us. -What we Become is our gift to God. -% -What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. - -- Wittgenstein -% -What we do not understand we do not possess. - -- Goethe -% -What we need is either less corruption, -or more chance to participate in it. -% -What we see depends on mainly what we look for. - -- John Lubbock -% -What we wish, that we readily believe. - -- Demosthenes -% -What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? -% -What you don't know won't help you much either. - -- D. Bennett -% -What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond -your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or -your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel -powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do -with as you will. - -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" -% -What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for -something to occur to you. - -- Robert Frost - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to AST's.] -% -Whatever became of eternal truth? -% -Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for -cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your -nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while -shredding hundred dollar bills." - -- Herb Caen -% -Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will -never succeed. - -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California -% -Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified -performance. - -- Helen Lawrenson -% -Whatever happened to the good old days -when sex was dirty and the air was clean? -% -Whatever is not nailed down is mine. -Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. - -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon -% -Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. - -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) -% -Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half -as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - -- Charlotte Whitton -% -Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that -you do it. - -- Gandhi -% -Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like -other people. - -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" -% -Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. -% -What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. - -- Robert Altman -% -What's all this bru-ha-ha? -% -What's another word for "thesaurus"? - -- Steven Wright -% -What's done to children, they will do to society. -% -What's page one, a preemptive strike? - -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College -% -What's so funny? -% -What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong -with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -What's the ugliest part of your body? -What's the ugliest part of your body? -Some say your nose, -Some say your toes, -But I think it's your mind. - -- Frank Zappa, 1965 -% -What's this stuff about people being "released on their -own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? -% -When a Banker jumps out of a window, -jump after him -- that's where the money is. - -- Robespierre -% -When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! -% -When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? -% -When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but -the principle of the thing," it's the money. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -When a girl can read the handwriting on -the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. -% -When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the -inattentions of one. - -- Helen Rowland -% -When a lion meets another with a louder roar, -the first lion thinks the last a bore. - -- G.B. Shaw -% -When a lot of remedies are suggested for -a disease, that means it can't be cured. - -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" -% -When a man assumes a public trust, he -should consider himself as public property. - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, -it concentrates his mind wonderfully. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. -But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any -hour. That's relativity. - -- Albert Einstein -% -When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him -keep her. - -- Sacha Guitry -% -When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years -ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind -with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a -liar who has broken his promises. - -- Franklin Adams -% -When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. -% -When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not -far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel -is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see -the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain -relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: -first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. - -- Donnay -% -When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. -When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. - -- Wilde -% -When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm -yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. - -Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive -out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit -by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you -to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead -that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was -looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the -poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill -him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful -death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your -story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could -the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of -paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. - -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security -% -When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people -interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been -honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. - -- The Grab Bag -% -When all else fails, EAT!!! -% -When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance -the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter -knob. - -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual -% -When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -When all else fails, try Kate Smith. -% -When all other means of communication fail, try words. -% -When among apes, one must play the ape. -% -When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. - -- Mark Twain -% -When arguments fail, use a blackjack. - -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell -% -When arguments fail, use a blackjack. - -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. -% -When asked the definition of "pi": -The Mathematician: - Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the - circumference of a circle and its diameter. -The Physicist: - Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. -The Engineer: - Pi is about 3. -% -When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. -% -When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. - -- Brian Aldiss -% -When choosing between two evils, I always -like to take the one I've never tried before. - -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" -% -When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite -easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger -handle this?" -% -When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by -reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" -% -When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! -% -When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this -was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists -never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have -declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and -that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any -consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. - -- Josef Goebbels -% -When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" -% -When does later become never? -% -When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? -Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. -% -When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. - -- Gen. C. Abrams -% -When forecasting, give them a number -or give them a date, but never both. -% -When God endowed human beings with brains, -He did not intend to guarantee them. -% -When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to -why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. - -- DeGourmont -% -When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and -inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats -blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes -screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he -stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing -himself to destruction. - -- George Plimpton -% -When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced -to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - -- Brendan Behan -% -When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, -He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" - -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" -% -when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. -in my sleep. -like my grandfather. - -not screaming, -like the passengers in his car... -% -When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A -loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a -barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another -drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. - As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back -onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto -the bar, "*everybody* pays!" -% -When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket -and a willingness to compromise. - -- Weber cartoon caption -% -When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great -parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me -if i'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, -then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I grow up, I want to be an honest -lawyer so things like that can't happen. - -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal -% -When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I -shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do -what you like now." - -- Tolstoy -% -When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity -for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" -% -When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. -% -When I said "we", officer, I was referring to -myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. -% -When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said -to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." - -- Franklyn Ajaye -% -When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. -I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never -to be seen again. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" -% -When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve -it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. - -- Al Capone -% -When I think about myself, -I almost laugh myself to death, -My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world -A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl -A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. -I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend -When I think about myself. Too poor to break, - I laugh until my stomach ache, - When I think about myself. -My folks can make me split my side, -I laughed so hard I nearly died, -The tales they tell, sound just like lying, -They grow the fruit, -But eat the rind, -I laugh until I start to crying, -When I think about my folks. - -- Maya Angelou -% -When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. -By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. -% -When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. -Now I'm beginning to believe it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... -I was an only child... eventually. - -- Stephen Wright -% -When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd -all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. -It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. - -- Jack Handey -% -When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. -I was an only child... eventually. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal -woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - -- Robert Schuman -% -When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if -I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - -- Steven Wright -% -When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. - -I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's -picture that came with the wallet he bought. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't -say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". -% -When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: -I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - -- Woody Allen -% -When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. - -- Rodney Dangerfield -% -When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act -of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of -seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is -always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you -would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human -organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. -The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems -to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things -together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. - -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" -% -When I was young we didn't have MTV; we -had to take drugs and go to concerts. - -- Steven Pearl -% -When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened -or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot -remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to -pieces like this but we all have to do it. - -- Mark Twain -% -When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had -slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." - -- Steven Wright -% -When I works, I works hard. -When I sits, I sits easy. -And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. -% -When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and -the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in -the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who -comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says -he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked -questions like a senator. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. - -- Mae West -% -When in charge ponder, -When in doubt mumble, -When in trouble delegate. -% -When in doubt, do it. It's much easier -to apologize than to get permission. - -- Grace Murray Hopper -% -When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. -% -When in doubt, follow your heart. -% -When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. - -- Raymond Chandler -% -When in doubt, lead trump. -% -When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. - -- James H. Boren -% -When in doubt, tell the truth. - -- Mark Twain -% -When in doubt, use brute force. - -- Ken Thompson -% -When in Rome, live in the Roman way. - -- St. Ambrose -% -When in this world the headlines read -Of those whose hearts are filled with greed -Who rob and steal from those who need -The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) -Underdog (UNDERDOG!) -Speed of lightning, roar of thunder -Fighting all who rob or plunder -Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) -Underdog -UNDERDOG! -% -When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. -% -When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- -half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. -% -When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. -% -When it is not necessary to make a decision, -it is necessary not to make a decision. -% -When it's dark enough you can see the stars. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, -% -When license fees are too high, -users do things by hand. -When the management is too intrusive, -users lose their spirit. - -Hack for the user's benefit. -Trust them; leave them alone. -% -When love is gone, there's always justice. -And when justice is gone, there's always force. -And when force is gone, there's always Mom. -Hi, Mom! - -- Laurie Anderson -% -When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it -will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. -% -When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When -accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to -be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll -in. - -Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. - -When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants -make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When -senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be -solved. - -Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. -% -When Marriage is Outlawed, -Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. -% -When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -When my brain begins to reel from my -literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. - -- Ignatius Reilly -% -When my fist clenches crack it open, -Before I use it and lose my cool. -When I smile tell me some bad news, -Before I laugh and act like a fool. - -And if I swallow anything evil, -Put you finger down my throat. -And if I shiver please give me a blanket, -Keep me warm let me wear your coat - -No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, - to be the sad man. -Behind blue eyes. -No one knows what its like to be hated, - to be fated, -To telling only lies. - -- The Who -% -When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, -at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't -think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin -wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not -become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of -Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I -was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young -women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met -a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the -most unlikely of situations. - -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" -% -When neither their poverty nor their honor is -touched, the majority of men live content. - -- Niccolo Machiavelli -% -When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. -% -When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. - -- Dylan Thomas -% -When one knows women one pities men, -but when one studies men, one excuses women. - -- Horne Tooke -% -When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, -she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind -it less and less." - -- Louise Andrews Kent -% -When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. -The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points -And Oxygen still had none -Then Oxygen scored a single goal -And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 -Called because of rain. -% -When people have trouble communicating, -the least they can do is to shut up. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. -% -When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? -% -When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, -newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris -was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. - - Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular - papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies - favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: - "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides - not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the - President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how - how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison - Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. -% -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for -every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss -is away and you get twice as much done. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -When some people decide it's time for everyone to make -big changes, it means that they want you to change first. -% -When some people discover the truth, they just -can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. -% -When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, -Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, -Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? -U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, -They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, -But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! - -For might makes right, Members of the corps -And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: -They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by - peaceful means. -All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- -Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! - We only want the world to know - That we support the status quo; - They love us everywhere we go, - So when in doubt, send the Marines! - -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" -% -When someone says "I want a programming language in -which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. - -- Alan Perlis -% -When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. - -- S. Johnson -% -When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. -% -When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple -of asterisked sentences: - - It weighs less than 8 pounds.* - And costs less than $1,300.** - -In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": - - * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all - this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power - pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks - will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you - might not be able to figure this out for yourself. - - ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if - you really want to. Or less. - -- Forbes -% -When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" - -- Turkish proverb -% -When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. - -- Chinese proverb -% -When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never -talking about themselves. -% -When the candles are out all women are fair. - -- Plutarch -% -When the cup is full, carry it level. -% -When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. - -- Billy Sunday -% -When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little -muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. -% -When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. - -- Lynch -% -When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. -% -When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. -% -When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -When the government bureau's remedies do not match -your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify -the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the Guru administers, the users -are hardly aware that he exists. -Next best is a sysop who is loved. -Next, one who is feared. -And worst, one who is despised. - -If you don't trust the users, -you make them untrustworthy. - -The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. -When his work is done, -the users say, "Amazing: -we implemented it, all by ourselves!" -% -When the leaders speak of peace -The common folk know -That war is coming -When the leaders curse war -The mobilization order is already written out. - -Every day, to earn my daily bread -I go to the market where lies are bought -Hopefully -I take my place among the sellers. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" -% -When the lights are out, all women are fair. - -- Plutarch -% -When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, -the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a -nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look -like a nail. -% -When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. - -- Richard Nixon -% -When the revolution comes, count your change. -% -When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask -if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," -he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the -right." - "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in -the wrong joke." -% -When the sun shineth, make hay. - -- John Heywood -% -When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the -stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them -from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were -set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as -bodies of a lower grade... - -- Stanislaw Lem -% -When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, -he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single -seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, -"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but -stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after -several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. - The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, -what's your name?" - "Samuel," he mumbled. - "And where're you from, Sam?" - "The balcony." -% -When the wind is great, bow before it; -when the wind is heavy, yield to it. -% -When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course -is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -When things go well, expect something to -explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. -% -When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, -most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear -that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition -continuously until death do them part. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -When users see one GUI as beautiful, -other user interfaces become ugly. -When users see some programs as winners, -other programs become lossage. - -Pointers and NULLs reference each other. -High level and assembler depend on each other. -Double and float cast to each other. -High-endian and low-endian define each other. -While and until follow each other. - -Therefore the Guru -programs without doing anything -and teaches without saying anything. -Warnings arise and he lets them come; -processes are swapped and he lets them go. -He has but doesn't possess, -acts but doesn't expect. -When his work is done, he deletes it. -That is why it lasts forever. -% -When we are planning for posterity, -we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - -- Thomas Paine -% -When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find -anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, -two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the -history of war have so few been led by so many. - -- General James Gavin -% -When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. -% -When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be -as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. -% -When we write programs that "learn", -it turns out we do and they don't. -% -When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" -% -When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; -when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not -even our virtues. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. - -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" -% -When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation -of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can -proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the -goal. - -- Amrom Katz -% -When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; -when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. - -- St. Ambrose -% -When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -% -When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. -% -When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later -something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend -your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all -the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a -vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will -eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent -narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- -will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. -But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come -from, to torture and unsettle us? - -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" -% -When you become used to never being alone, -you may consider yourself Americanized. -% -When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. -% -When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. - -- Brooke Shields -% -When you dig another out of trouble, -you've got a place to bury your own. -% -When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. -% -When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. -% -When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, -Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) -Caaaall for Super Chicken!! -% -When you find yourself in danger, -When you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... - -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, - Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) - Caaaall for Super Chicken!! -% -When you find yourself in danger, -When you're threatened by a stranger, -When it looks like you will take a lickin'... -There is one thing you should learn, -When there is no one else to turn to, -Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. -% -When you get what you want in your struggle for self -And the world makes you king for a day, -Just go to a mirror and look at yourself -And see what that man has to say. - For it isn't your father or mother or wife - Whose judgement upon you must pass; - The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life - Is the one staring back from the glass. -Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum -And call you a wonderful guy, -But the man in the glass says you're only a bum -If you can't look him straight in the eye. - He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, - For he's with you clear up to the end, - And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test - If the man in the glass is your friend. -You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life -And get pats on the back as you pass, -But your final reward will be heartaches and tears -If you've cheated the man in the glass. -% -When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve -people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - -- Norm Crosby -% -When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. -% -When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever -remains, however improbable, must be the truth. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" -% -When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure -clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite -answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have -acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. - -- R.A. Lafferty -% -When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. - -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war -% -When you jump for joy, beware that no-one -moves the ground from beneath your feet. - -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" -% -When you live in a sick society, -just about everything you do is wrong. -% -When you make your mark in the world, -watch out for guys with erasers. - -- The Wall Street Journal -% -When you meet a master swordsman, -show him your sword. -When you meet a man who is not a poet, -do not show him your poem. - -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master -% -When you overesteem great hackers, -more users become cretins. -When you develop encryption, -more users become crackers. - -The Guru leads -by emptying user's minds -and increasing their quotas, -by weakening their ambition -and toughening their resolve. -When users lack knowledge and desire, -management will not try to interfere. - -Practice not-looping, -and everything will fall into place. -% -When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that -you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; -when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. -% -When you try to make an impression, the -chances are that is the impression you will make. -% -When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. -% -When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. -When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. -% -When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn -They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. - -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" -% -When your memory goes, forget it! -% -When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. - -- Henry J. Kaiser -% -When you're a Yup -You're a Yup all the way -From your first slice of Brie -To your last Cabernet. - -When you're a Yup -You're not just a dreamer -You're making things happen -You're driving a Beamer. -% -When you're away, I'm restless, lonely -Wretched, bored, dejected, only -Here's the rub, my darling dear, -I feel the same when you are hear. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" -% -When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. - -- David Pryce-Jones -% -When you're dining out and you suspect -something's wrong, you're probably right. -% -When you're down and out, lift up your -voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! -% -When you're in command, command. - -- Admiral Nimitz -% -When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when -you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened -of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. - -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" -% -When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. -% -When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? -% -WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick -your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. -% -Whenever a system becomes completely defined, -some damn fool discovers something which either -abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. -% -WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to -laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle -to become a parrot or something. - -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. -% -Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". - -- Dave Parnas -% -Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children -to spend their weekends with? - -- Rita Rudner -% -Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. -% -Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel -a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. - -- A. Lincoln -% -Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct -is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. -Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. - -- Jack Handey -% -Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, - We people on the pavement looked at him: -He was a gentleman from sole to crown, - Clean-favored, and imperially slim. -And he was always quietly arrayed, - And he was always human when he talked; -But still he fluttered pulses when he said, - "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. -And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- - And admirably schooled in every grace: -In fine, we thought that he was everything - To make us wish that we were in his place. -So on we worked, and waited for the light, - And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; -And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, - Went home and put a bullet through his head. - -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" -% -Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, -you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. -% -Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that -is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges -on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. - -- Mark Twain -% -Whenever you find that you are on the -side of the majority, it is time to reform. - -- Mark Twain -% -Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and -weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes -and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. - -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 -% -Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I -% -Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? -% -WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - Oh, dear, where can the matter be - When it's converted to energy? - There is a slight loss of parity. - Johnny's so long at the fair. -% -Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? - -- Karl Kraus -% -Where do you go to get anorexia? - -- Shelley Winters -% -Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what -is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Where is John Carson now that we need him? - -- RLG -% -Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to -examine the laws of heat. - -- Christopher Morley -% -Where, oh, where, are you tonight? -Why did you leave me here all alone? -I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. -You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. - -Gloom, despair and agony on me. -Deep dark depression, excessive misery. -If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. -Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. - -- Hee Haw -% -Where, oh where, are you tonight? -Why did you leave me here all alone? -I searched the world over, -And I thought I'd found true love, -You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! - -- Hee Haw -% -Where the hell is Wall Drug? -% -Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". -% -Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance -in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -% -Where there is much light there is also much shadow. - -- Goethe -% -Where there's a whip there's a way. -% -Where there's a will, there's a relative. -% -Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. -% -Where will it all end? -Probably somewhere near where it all began. -% -Where you stand depends on where you sit. - -- Rufus Miles, HEW -% -Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. - -- Wittgenstein -% -Where's the man could ease a heart -Like a satin gown? - -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" -% -...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to -spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. - -- Richard Shelton -% -Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, -Do not cease your single-handed struggle. -Go on, do not rest. - -- An old Gujarati hymn -% -Whether you can hear it or not, -The Universe is laughing behind your back. -% -Which would you rather have, a bursting -planet or an earthquake here and there? - -- John Joseph Lynch -% -While anyone can admit to themselves they were -wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, - Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 -% -While having never invented a sin, -I'm trying to perfect several. -% -While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint -Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, -began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, -lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to -define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what -a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." - -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" -% -While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, -As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. - -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to hardware interrupts.] - -And now I see with eye serene -The very pulse of the machine. - -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" - - [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when - referring to software interrupts.] -% -While money can't buy happiness, it certainly -lets you choose your own form of misery. -% -While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. -% -While most peoples' opinions change, -the conviction of their correctness never does. -% -While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who -held a gun to his head. - "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" - The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, -as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. - "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. - Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed -his head. "Go ahead and shoot." -% -While there's life, there's hope. - -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) -% -While walking down a crowded -City street the other day, -I heard a little urchin -To a comrade turn and say, -"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, -I'd be happy as a clam -If only I was de feller dat -Me mudder t'inks I am. - -"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil -An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, -Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson -Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. -Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint -How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: -If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that -Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. - -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" -% -While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. - -- Dean Rusk -% -While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's -still very reassuring to know that it's still there. -% -While you recently had your problems on the run, -they've regrouped and are making another attack. -% -While your friend holds you affectionately by both -your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -% -Whip it, whip it good! -% -Whistler's Law: - You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. -% -Whistler's mother is off her rocker. -% -White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. -% -White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it -so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. -% -Whitehead's Law: - The obvious answer is always overlooked. -% -White's Statement: - Don't lose heart! - -Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: - ...they might want to cut it out... - -Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: - ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. -% -Who are you? -% -Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? - -- Nathan Pusey -% -Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with -our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... -% -Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? - -- Hattie McDaniel -% -Who does not love wine, women, and song, -Remains a fool his whole life long. - -- Johann Heinrich Voss -% -Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. - -- Lao Tsu -% -Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. - -- Thomas Tusser -% -Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? -% -Who is John Galt? -% -Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? -% -Who loves me will also love my dog. - -- John Donne -% -Who loves not wisely but too well -Will look on Helen's face in hell, -But he whose love is thin and wise -Will view John Knox in Paradise. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Who made the world I cannot tell; -'Tis made, and here am I in hell. -My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, -I never soiled with such a deed. - -- A.E. Housman -% -Who needs companionship when you -can sit alone in your room and drink? -% -Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? -No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! -% -Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 -% -Who to himself is law no law doth need, -offends no law, and is a king indeed. - -- George Chapman -% -Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? -% -Who was that masked man? -% -Who will take care of the world after you're gone? -% -"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! -It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -Whoever dies with the most toys wins. -% -Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not -become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks -into you. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not -become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also -looks into you. - -- Nietzsche -% -Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the -pure in heart can make a good soup. - -- Ludwig Van Beethoven -% -Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. -% -Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. -% -Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. - -- Bernard Levin -% -Who's on first? -% -Who's scruffy-looking? - -- Han Solo -% -Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. -Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. -% -Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? - -- Paul Simon -% -Why are programmers non-productive? -Because their time is wasted in meetings. - -Why are programmers rebellious? -Because the management interferes too much. - -Why are the programmers resigning one by one? -Because they are burnt out. - -Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. - -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% -Why are you so hard to ignore? -% -Why are you watching -The washing machine? -I love entertainment -So long as it's clean. - -Professor Doberman: - While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded -pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified -improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic -experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one -must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in -fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one -receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have -been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its -meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be -suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive -implications. -% -Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. - -- Erik Satie -% -Why be a man when you can be a success? - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? -% -Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? -% -Why be difficult, when, with just a -little more effort, you can be impossible? -% -Why bother building anymore nuclear -warheads until we use the ones we have? -% -Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of -movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? -% -Why did the Roman Empire collapse? -What's the Latin for office automation? -% -Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another -meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it -doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a -corner." -% -Why do seagulls live near the sea? -'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. -% -Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? -It's quite uncanny. -% -Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? -% -Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? -% -Why do we want intelligent terminals -when there are so many stupid users? -% -Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? - -- Carl Sandburg -% -Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? -% -Why does man kill? He kills for food. -And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? - -- Jimmy Durante -% -Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? -We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether -we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a -pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to -pay the fiddler. - -- The Best of Will Rogers -% -Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? - -- Alan Shepard, the first American in space -% -Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she -kissed her cow. - -- Rabelais -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. - -- None of my socks match. - -- I'm having all my plants neutered. - -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. - -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. - -- I'm touring China with a wok band. - -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. - -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student - named Basil Metabolism. - -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. - -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. - -- I prefer to remain an enigma. - -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. - -- I feel a song coming on. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. - -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. - -- I'm trying to be less popular. - -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. - -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. - -- My subconscious says no. - -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I - can't seem to put it down. - -- My favorite commercial is on TV. - -- I have to study for my blood test. - -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. - -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. - -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I have to floss my cat. - -- I've dedicated my life to linguine. - -- I need to spend more time with my blender. - -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. - -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. - -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. - -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. - -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. - -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. - -- I have some really hard words to look up. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. - -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. - -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. - -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. - -- I have to fulfill my potential. - -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. - -- It's too close to the turn of the century. - -- I have to bleach my hare. - -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. - -- I left my body in my other clothes. -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but... - -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. - -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. - -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. - -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. - -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. - -- I'm building a plant from a kit. - -- There's a disturbance in the Force. - -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. - -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. - -- My crayons all melted together. -% -Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? -% -Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? -% -Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? -It is because we are not the person involved. - -- Mark Twain -% -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - -- Stephen Wright -% -Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Why isn't there some cheap and easy -way to prove how much she means to me? -% -Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they -are another's. - -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 -% -Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I -not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- -Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not -do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want -me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- -I can't think why not. - -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele -% -Why not go out on a limb? -Isn't that where the fruit is? -% -Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a -fresh one for a quarter of the price? -% -Why was I born with such contemporaries? - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is -wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that -unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it -not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant -beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be -incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling -into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily -needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate -origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that -we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal -parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all -eternity for his faithlessness. - -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", - Fortnightly Review, 1876 -% -Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? - -- Tom Ryan -% -Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? -% -Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? - -- The Tasmanian Devil -% -Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb all - available revenue and then some. -% -Wilcox's Law: - A pat on the back is only a few - centimeters from a kick in the pants. -% -Will Rogers never met you. -% -Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? -That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! -% -Will your long-winded speeches never end? -What ails you that you keep on arguing? - -- Job 16:3 -% -William Safire's Rules for Writers: - Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice -should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. -Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if -you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a -great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A -writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence -with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word -to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place -pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 -or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling -participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a -sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid -mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone -should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in -their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always -follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; -seek viable alternatives. -% -Williams and Holland's Law: - If enough data is collected, - anything may be proven by statistical methods. -% -Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, -See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; -Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: -Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. - -Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, -Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. -Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, -Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. - -William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, -Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! -Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, -"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' - -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 -% -Wilner's Observation: - All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. -% -Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. - -- Vince Lombardi -% -Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. -% -Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... -If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your -head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... - -- Stephen Wright -% -Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." - -- Robert Byrne -% -Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house -as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. -% -[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying -hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. - -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV -% -Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. - -- J. Winter Smith -% -Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. -% -Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. - -- Frank Tyger -% -WIT: - The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... - by leaving it out. -% -With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -% -With all the fancy scientists in the world, -why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. -% -With all the talent around, it's sort of -amazing that a woman could be up here with us. - -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner -% -With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. -% -With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time -they make a law it's a joke. - -- W. Rogers -% -With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand -miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, -and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there -is no such thing as progress. - -- Ransom K. Ferm -% -With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind -she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. - -- Tolstoy -% -With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. -% -With reasonable men I will reason; -with humane men I will plead; -but to tyrants I will give no quarter. - -- William Lloyd Garrison -% -With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team -celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus -party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and -eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at -parties. - "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the -strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's -your G.P.A.?" - Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in -the city and forty on the highway." -% -With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was -celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus -party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and -eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at -parties. - "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the -strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's -you G.P.A.?" - Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least -twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" -% -With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of -it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too -close. Like catching snakes. - -- Marlon Brando -% -Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. -% -Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential -community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might -keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet -Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how -we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. -I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke -them again -- and this time we'd use it. - -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the - White House's National Security Council, Washington - Post, 21 March, 1982 -% -Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. - -- Alfred North Whitehead -% -Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the -way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an -indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less -important to him than his table or his white robe. - -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac -% -Without fools there would be no wisdom. -% -Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. -% -Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. -% -Without love intelligence is dangerous; -without intelligence love is not enough. - -- Ashley Montagu -% -With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? - -- Pink Floyd -% -Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, -Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer -The future's uncertain and the end is always near. - -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" -% -Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion -bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. -Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. -% -WOLF: - A man who knows all the ankles. -% -WOMAN: - An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and - having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - -- Bierce -% -Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" -Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." -% -Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't -want to own one. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - -- Dumas -% -Woman is generally so bad that the difference -between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. - -- Tolstoy -% -Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. -Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. - I shall be sober in the morning. -% -Woman was God's second mistake. - -- Nietzsche -% -Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor -out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be -equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart -that he might love her. - -- Henry -% -Woman would be more charming if one could -fall into her arms without falling into her hands. - -- DeGourmont -% -Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. - -- Cervantes -% -Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, -they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. - -- Warren Beatty -% -Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: -once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their -marriage certificates, and defy you. - -- Jerrold -% -Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it -from charity, or revenge? - -- Gustave Vapereau -% -Women are just like men, only different. -% -Women are like elephants to me: I like to -look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - -- W.C. Fields -% -Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. - -- Herold -% -Women are nothing but machines for producing children. - -- Napoleon -% -Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. - -- Stephens -% -Women aren't as mere as they used to be. - -- Pogo -% -Women can keep a secret just as well as men, -but it takes more of them to do it. -% -Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two -categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. - -- Ann Landers -% -Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge -as good as any other. - -- Philippe De Remi -% -Women give themselves to God when the -Devil wants nothing more to do with them. - -- Arnould -% -Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; -but they invariably want it back in such very small change. - -- Wilde -% -Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little -crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. - -- Ansey -% -Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. -In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the -original earth clinging to the roots. - -- Bierce -% -Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong -than men who reason with the head. - -- DeLescure -% -Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, -but never a man who misses one. - -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord -% -Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship -us and are always bothering us to do something for them. - -- Wilde -% -Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell -them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man -than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. - -- Mort Sahl -% -Women waste men's lives and think they have -indemnified them by a few gracious words. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women, when they are not in love, have all -the cold blood of an experienced attorney. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, -always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. - -- Honore de Balzac -% -Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. -% -Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. -% -Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; -not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or -graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. - -- Amiel -% -Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. -% -Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. - -- Cornelia Otis Skinner -% -Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, -and philosophy begins in wonder. - Socrates, quoting Plato -% -Wonderful day. -Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. -% -Woodward's Law: - A theory is better than its explanation. -% -Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. - Let's just cut to the happy ending. - -- Cheers, Airport V - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. -Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. - -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back - -Sam: Beer, Norm? -Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. - -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? -Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? - -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction - -Sam: What are you up to Norm? -Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. - -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh - -Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. -Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' - -- Cheers, Loverboyd -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? -Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. - -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah - -Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that - swallowed the canary. -Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. - -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah - -Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. - -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 -% -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? -Norm: The warranty on my liver. - -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do - -Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? -Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. - -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd - -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. - -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife -% -Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Poor. -Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. -Norm: No, I meant `pour'. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? -Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. - -- Cheers, The Proposal - -Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? -Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. - -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash -% -Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. - -- Cheers, Paint Your Office - -Sam: How's life treating you? -Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. - -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss - -Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? -Woody: For a beer? -Norm: No, for stupid questions. - -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie -% -Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 - -Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? -Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 - -Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? -Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... - Eh, make that one-thirty. - -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 -% -Woolsey-Swanson Rule: - People would rather live with a problem they cannot - solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. -% -Words are the voice of the heart. -% -Words can never express what words can never express. -% -Words have a longer life than deeds. - -- Pindar -% -Words must be weighed, not counted. -% -WORK: - The blessed respite from screaming kids and - soap operas for which you actually get paid. -% -Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. -Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. - -- Mark Twain -% -Work continues in this area. - -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton -% -Work expands to fill the time available. - -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 -% -Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near -the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people -to do so. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. - -- Schulz -% -Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - -- Mike Romanoff -% -Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with -a handshake, and have fun. - -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, - shortly before dying at the age of 86. -% -Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. -% -Work without a vision is slavery, -Vision without work is a pipe dream, -But vision with work is the hope of the world. -% -Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with -a valentine. - -- Christopher Plummer -% -World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century -since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil -thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately --- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds -together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of -error in the world." - -- Sydney Harris -% -Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- -It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. -% -Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Month of the Year: - February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if - you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you - don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Vegetable of the Year: - Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worth seeing? -Yes, but not worth going to see. -% -Worthless. - -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS - (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the - Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the - "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September - 15, 1842. -% -WOTD: - - ` - -% -Would it help if I got out and pushed? - -- Princess Leia Organa -% -Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. - -- Alfieri -% -Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? -% -Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? - -- John Heywood -% -Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? -% -Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? -% -Would you like to be tried in court by people -who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? -% -Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! -% -Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? - -- George Carlin -% -"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" -"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were -a turn-on? - -- "Broadcast News" -% -Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - -- Mark Twain -% -Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. - -- Anonymous -% -Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. -% -WRITE-PROTECT TAB: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly - left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error - message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs - the momentary inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% -write-protect tab, n: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left - by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message - once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary - inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% -Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear -witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results -from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. -Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief -and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped -make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th -century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. -Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM -PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult -holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it -is itself the one hope for salvation. - -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 -% -Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. -% -Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of -paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. - -- Gene Fowler -% -Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. - -- J.P. Donleavy -% -Writing software is more fun than working. -% -WRONG! -% -WYSIWYG: - What You See Is What You Get. -% -X windows: - Accept any substitute. - If it's broke, don't fix it. - If it ain't broke, fix it. - Form follows malfunction. - The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. - The trailing edge of software technology. - Armageddon never looked so good. - Japan's secret weapon. - You'll envy the dead. - Making the world safe for competing window systems. - Let it get in YOUR way. - The problem for your problem. - If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. - It could be worse, but it'll take time. - Simplicity made complex. - The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. - Flakey and built to stay that way. - -One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. - X windows. -% -X windows: - It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. - The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. - Built to take on the world... and lose! - Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. - Power tools for Power Fools. - Putting new limits on productivity. - The closer you look, the cruftier we look. - Design by counterexample. - A new level of software disintegration. - No hardware is safe. - Do your time. - Rationalization, not realization. - Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. - Gratuitous incompatibility. - Your mother. - THE user interference management system. - You can't argue with failure. - You haven't died 'til you've used it. - -The environment of today... tomorrow! - X windows. -% -X windows: - Something you can be ashamed of. - 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. - The first fully modular software disaster. - Rome was destroyed in a day. - Warn your friends about it. - Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. - An accident that couldn't wait to happen. - Don't wait for the movie. - Never use it after a big meal. - Need we say less? - Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. - It'll make your day. - Don't get frustrated without it. - Power tools for power losers. - A software disaster of Biblical proportions. - Never had it. Never will. - The software with no visible means of support. - More than just a generation behind. - -Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. - X windows. -% -X windows: - The ultimate bottleneck. - Flawed beyond belief. - The only thing you have to fear. - Somewhere between chaos and insanity. - On autopilot to oblivion. - The joke that kills. - A disgrace you can be proud of. - A mistake carried out to perfection. - Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. - To err is X windows. - Ignorance is our most important resource. - Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. - Built to fall apart. - Nullifying centuries of progress. - Falling to new depths of inefficiency. - The last thing you need. - The defacto substandard. - -Elevating brain damage to an art form. - X windows. -% -X windows: - We will dump no core before its time. - One good crash deserves another. - A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. - We make excuses. - It didn't even look good on paper. - You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! - A new concept in abuser interfaces. - How can something get so bad, so quickly? - It could happen to you. - The art of incompetence. - You have nothing to lose but your lunch. - When uselessness just isn't enough. - More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! - When you can't afford to be right. - And you thought we couldn't make it worse. - -If it works, it isn't X windows. -% -X windows: - You'd better sit down. - Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. - Why do it right when you can do it wrong? - Live the nightmare. - Our bugs run faster. - When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. - There ARE no rules. - You'll wish we were kidding. - Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. - Dissatisfaction guaranteed. - There's got to be a better way. - The next best thing to keypunching. - Leave the thrashing to us. - We wrote the book on core dumps. - Even your dog won't like it. - More than enough rope. - Garbage at your fingertips. - -Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. - X windows. -% -Xerox does it again and again and again and... -% -Xerox never comes up with anything original. -% -XEROX never does anything original. -% -XI: - If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would - get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty - times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all - the managers would fly off. -XII: - It costs a lot to build bad products. -XIII: - There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. - There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to - intermingle the two. -XIV: - After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will - be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent - of every airplane's weight. -XV: - The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost - and two-thirds of the problems. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XLI: - The more one produces, the less one gets. -XLII: - Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. -XLIII: - Hardware works best when it matters the least. -XLIV: - Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly - direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the - additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. -XLV: - One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the - unexpected should have been expected. -XLVI: - A billion saved is a billion earned. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XLVII: - Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other - third is covered with auditors from headquarters. -XLVIII: - The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the - less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. - Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less - until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. -XLIX: - Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. -L: - The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a - chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times - as long as the official's who created it. -LI: - By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more - government workers than there are workers. -LII: - People working in the private sector should try to save money. - There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. - -- Norman Augustine -% -X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing -they leave to the imagination is the plot. -% -XVI: - In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one - aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and - Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be - made available to the Marines for the extra day. -XVII: - Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, - and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. -XVIII: - It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon - to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of - ten degradation accomplished. -XIX: - Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will - be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. -XX: - In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding - approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the - administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXI: - It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. -XXII: - If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, - not selling advice. -XXIII: - Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is - currently estimated. -XXIV: - The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an - established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most - costly action known to man. -XXV: - A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete - or a new canvas to an artist. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXVI: - If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each - other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. -XXVII: - Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. -XXVIII: - It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. -XXIX: - Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their - jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results - hang on about half a decade. -XXX: - By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, - the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXXI: - The optimum committee has no members. -XXXII: - Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of - turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. -XXXIII: - Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. -XXXIV: - The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work - is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed - randomly. -XXXV: - The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, - the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give - the data authenticity. - -- Norman Augustine -% -XXXVI: - The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar - contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the - proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other - at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. -XXXVII: - Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. - The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. -XXXVIII: - The early bird gets the worm. - The early worm ... gets eaten. -XXXIX: - Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of - the year -- in either direction. -XL: - Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. - -- Norman Augustine -% -Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! -% -Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have -goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in -their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating -unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my -doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" -% -Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some -rays and became a tangent ? -% -Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% -Yea from the table of my memory -I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. - -- Hamlet -% -Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. -% -Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like -a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. -% -Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, -the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm -a private eye. - -- Calvin -% -Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, -but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. -% -YEAR: - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -% -Year Name James Bond Book ----- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- -50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson -1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 -1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 -1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 -1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 -1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 -1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 -1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 -1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 -1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 -1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 -1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) -1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 -1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) -1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 -1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery -1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) -1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) - * -- Not a Broccoli production. -% -Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. -% -Yes, but which self do you want to be? -% -Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those -L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. - -- Rita Rudner -% -Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. -And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. -Just different ways to kill the pain the same. -But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, -Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. -I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. - -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) -% -Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left -the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. - -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" -% -Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in -that order. - -- Jeffrey Honig -% -Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. -Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. -Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - -- Snoopy -% -Yesterday upon the stair -I met a man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today -- -I think he's from the CIA. -% -Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most -astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God -I'm not respectable. - -- Ruthven Campbell Todd -% -Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty -feet. - -- John Cheever -% -Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. -% -YINKEL: - A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, - hoping no one will notice. - -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends -% -You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. -% -You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty -spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. -% -You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. -% -You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. -% -You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in -use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and -the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the -moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" -% -You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. - -- Philip Whalen -% -You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You are always busy. -% -You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. -% -You are an insult to my intelligence! -I demand that you log off immediately. -% -You are as I am with You. -% -You are capable of planning your future. -% -You are confused; but this is your normal state. -% -You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. -% -You are destined to become the commandant of the -fighting men of the department of transportation. -% -You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. -% -You are fairminded, just and loving. -% -You are false data. -% -You are farsighted, a good planner, -an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. -% -You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. -% -You are going to have a new love affair. -% -You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. -% -You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. -% -You are in the hall of the mountain king. -% -You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. -% -You are loved by the multitudes. -Have you been to the clinic lately? -% -You are magnetic in your bearing. -% -You are never given a wish without also being given the -power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. - -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for - the Advanced Soul" -% -You are not a fool just because you have done -something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. -% -You are not dead yet. -But watch for further reports. -% -You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing -forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are -avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. -Please set your clocks back 200 years. -% -You are number 6! Who is number one? -% -"You are old, father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; -And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - -"In my youth," father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure the brain; -But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And have grown most uncommonly fat; -Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- - Pray what is the reason of that?" - -"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, - "I kept all my limbs very supple -By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- - Allow me to sell you a couple?" -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; -Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - -"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; -And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, - Has lasted the rest of my life." - -"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose - That your eye was as steady as ever; -Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- - What made you so awfully clever?" - -"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," - Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -% -You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -% -You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. -Therefore you have few friends. -% -You are sick, twisted and perverted. -I like that in a person. -% -You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. -% -"You are *so* lovely." -"Yes." -"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." -% -You are standing on my toes. -% -You are taking yourself far too seriously. -% -You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who -points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get -attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra -chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a -gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a -rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy -trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a -vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch -long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is -dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your -head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves -are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to -transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem -to have gotten yourself killed, as well. - -You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. -That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. -To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. -% -You are wise, witty, and wonderful, -but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. -% -You ask what a nice girl will do? -She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. - -- Marcus Valerius Martialis -% -You attempt things that you do not even plan -because of your extreme stupidity. -% -You auto buy now. -% -"You boys lookin' for trouble?" -"Sure. Whaddya got?" - -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" -% -You buttered your bread, now lie in it! -% -You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the -peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the -municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior -courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state -supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge -reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat -between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less -than a twenty-dollar bill. - -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik -% -You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. - -- Tim Leary -% -You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. -% -You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. -They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. -% -You can be replaced by this computer. -% -You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. - -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould -% -You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington -% -You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 -% -You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you -know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... -they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment -they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. - -- Quentin Genter -% -You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. - -- Boris Yeltsin -% -You can cage a swallow, can't you, - but you can't swallow a cage, can you? -Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, - finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. -A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! - -- The Palindromist -% -You can create your own opportunities this week. -Blackmail a senior executive. -% -You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. - -- Janis Joplin -% -You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 -% -You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington -% -You can do very well in speculation where -land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. -% -You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. -% -You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right -and the budget is big enough. - -- Joseph E. Levine -% -You can fool some of the people all of the time and all -of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. -% -You can fool some of the people all of the time, -and all of the people some of the time, -but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. -% -You can fool some of the people some of the time, -and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. -% -You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. -% -You can get everything in life you want, -if you will help enough other people get what they want. -% -You can get much further with a kind word and a -gun than you can with a kind word alone. - -- Al Capone - [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] -% -You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? -% -You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. -% -You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, -You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. - -(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, - Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. - -You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, -You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. -(chorus) - -You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, -You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. -(chorus) -% -You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But -if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing -your dog. - -- foolin' around -% -You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. -Don't ever count on having both at once. - -- Lazarus Long -% -You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. - -- Joe Valachi -% -You can lead a horse to water, but if you can -get him to float on his back, you've got something. -% -You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, -for instance. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. -% -You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. -% -You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting -his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. -% -You can move the world with an idea, -but you have to think of it first. -% -You can never do just one thing. - -- Hardin -% -You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. -% -You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. -% -You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. - -- Jeannette Rankin -% -You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. - -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics - -What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. - -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics - -You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. - -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics -% -You can now buy more gates with less -specifications than at any other time in history. - -- Kenneth Parker -% -You can observe a lot just by watching. - -- Yogi Berra -% -You can rent this space for only $5 a week. -% -You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding -decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left -over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. - -- F. Allen -% -You can tell how far we have to go, -when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. - -- Steven Feiner -% -You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. - -- Norman Douglas -% -You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. - -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington -% -You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; -I've got to have thirty minutes! -% -You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. -% -You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. -But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. - -- Nathalia Crane -% -You cannot have a science without measurement. - -- R. W. Hamming -% -You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. -% -You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. -% -You cannot see the wood for the trees. - -- John Heywood -% -You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. - -- Indira Gandhi -% -You cannot use your friends and have them too. -% -You can't break eggs without making an omelet. -% -You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. -% -You can't cheat an honest man, never give -a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. - -- W.C. Fields -% -You can't cheat the phone company. -% -You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. -% -You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. - -- Richard Nixon, 1952 -% -You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. - -- Peter Frampton -% -You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. - -- H.H. Munro -% -"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", -Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 -she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have -children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. - -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" -% -You can't fall off the floor. -% -You can't get there from here. -% -You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. -% -You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - -- Steven Wright -% -You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. - -- Ayn Rand -% -You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. -% -You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. -% -You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- -only sooner than she thought you would. -% -You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle -is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. - -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" -% -You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. -% -You can't play your friends like marks, kid. - -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" -% -You can't push on a string. -% -You can't run away forever, -But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. - -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" -% -You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a -new way. - -- Will Rogers -% -You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. -You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. - -- Lauren Bacall -% -You can't take damsel here now. -% -You can't take it with you -- -especially when crossing a state line. -% -You can't teach people to be lazy -- -either they have it, or they don't. - -- Dagwood Bumstead -% -You can't underestimate the power of fear. - -- Tricia Nixon Cox -% -You climb to reach the summit, but once -there, discover that all roads lead down. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" -% -You could get a new lease on life -- if only you -didn't need the first and last month in advance. -% -You could live a better life, if you -had a better mind and a better body. -% -You couldn't even prove the White House -staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. - -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict -% -You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. -% -You dialed 5483. -% -You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. -% -You do not have mail. -% -You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. -% -You don't have to be nice to people on the way up -if you're not planning on coming back down. - -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" -% -You don't have to explain something you never said. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -You don't have to know how the computer -works, just how to work the computer. -% -You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. - -- J.D. Salinger -% -You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. - -- Guindon -% -You don't sew with a fork, so I see no -reason to eat with knitting needles. - -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food -% -You enjoy the company of other people. -% -You feel a whole lot more like you do -now than you did when you used to. -% -You fill a much-needed gap. -% -You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, -what might you have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" -% -You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for -an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? - -- Brillat-Savarin -% -You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. -% -You get what you pay for. - -- Gabriel Biel -% -You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me -from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. - -- Goethe -% -You go down to the pickup station, - craving warmth and beauty; -You settle for less than fascination -- - a few drinks later you're not so choosy. -And the closing lights strip off the shadows - on this strange new flesh you've found -- -Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf - you hurry to the blackness - and the blankets to lay down an impression - and your loneliness. - -- Joni Mitchell -% -You got to be very careful if you don't know -where you're going, because you might not get there. - -- Yogi Berra -% -You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, -And you know it don't come easy ... -I don't ask for much, I only want trust, -And you know it don't come easy ... -% -You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. -Now it's our turn. - -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas -% -You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! -% -You had mail. -Paul read it, so ask him what it said. -% -You had some happiness once, -but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. -% -You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. -% -You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. -% -You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). -% -You have a message from the operator. -% -You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. -A pity that it's totally undeserved. -% -You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. -% -You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. -% -You have a strong desire for a home -and your family interests come first. -% -You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. -% -You have a truly strong individuality. -% -You have a will that can be influenced -by all with whom you come in contact. -% -You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. - -- Lois Platford -% -You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: -a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. - -- Aristophanes -% -You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. -% -You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. -% -You have an unusual equipment for success. -Be sure to use it properly. -% -You have an unusual understanding of -the problems of human relationships. -% -You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" -% -You have been selected for a secret mission. -% -You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. -% -You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. -% -You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. -% -You have mail. -% -You have many friends and very few living enemies. -% -You have no real enemies. -% -You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. - -- John Viscount Morley -% -You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married -and few words in your sleep to get divorced. -% -You have taken yourself too seriously. -% -You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. -You'll learn a lot today. -% -You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. -% -You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. -If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -You humans are all alike. -% -You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me -at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very -simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." -% -You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! - -- Dylan Thomas -% -You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? - -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus -% -You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. - -- Superchicken -% -You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if -you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, -and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... -% -You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. - -- Maharbal -% -You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, -start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. - -- Dean Webber -% -You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. - -- Garfield -% -You know my heart keeps tellin' me, -You're not a kid at thirty-three, -You play around you lose your wife, -You play too long, you lose your life. -Some gotta win, some gotta lose, -Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. -% -You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, -are now extinct. - -- M. Somerset Maugham -% -You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you -almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel -like that all the time. - -- Stephen Wright -% -You know, the difference between this company and -the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. -% -You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends -on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. - -- Richard Nixon -% -You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat -and I had my hands about it. - -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" -% -You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language -is revenge. - -- Peter Beard -% -You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the -next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see -him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to -meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" - -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" -%% -I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two -highly trained certified public accountants. - -- Elvis Presley -% -You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. - -- E.A. Gilliam -% -You know your apartment is small... - when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. - you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. - you have to go outside to change your mind. - you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. -% -You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your -daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her -mother is allowed to take. -% -You know you're in a small town when... - You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. - You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local - merchants because you're the first baby of the year. - Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. - You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. - You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. - You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -1) You wake up face down on the pavement. -2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. -3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes - out of the city. -4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. -5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then - remember that you don't have a waterbed. -6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you - follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. -2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party - and there aren't any. -3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. -4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. -5) You wake up and your braces are locked together. -6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind - her own business. -(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. -(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. -(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. -(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. -(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to - flush a grapefruit down the toilet. -(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. -% -You know you're in trouble when... -(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your - skirt is caught in your pantyhose. -(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. -(3) Your income tax check bounces. -(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. -(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. -(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day - after you bought a waterbed. -(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk - clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party - for your spouse. -% -You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long -when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to -make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie -chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. -% -You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. -% -You learn to write as if to someone else -because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". -% -You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. -% -You lived with a man who wore white belts? -Laura, I'm disappointed in you. - -- Remington Steele -% -You look tired. -% -You love peace. -% -You love your home and want it to be beautiful. -% -You may already be a loser. - -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. -% -You may be gone tomorrow, but that -doesn't mean that you weren't here today. -% -You may be infinitely smaller than some things, -but you're infinitely larger than others. -% -You may be recognized soon. Hide. -% -You may be right, I may be crazy, -But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? - -- Billy Joel -% -You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card -That a young man married is a young man marred. - -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" -% -You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! -% -You may have heard that a dean is -to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - -- Alfred Kahn -% -You may my glories and my state dispose, -But not my griefs; still am I king of those. - -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" -% -You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but -you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. -% -You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will -be sold. -% -You mean you didn't *know* she was off -making lots of little phone companies? -% -You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the -obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and -an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. - -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" -% -You might have mail. -% -You must dine in our cafeteria. -You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! -% -You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property -and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) -and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from -bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent -paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), -cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, -gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to -prosecution for perjury and fraud. - -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms -% -You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty -to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties -are merely deputies of that one. - -- Nero Wolfe -% -You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable -proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. -% -You need more time; and you probably always will. -% -You need no longer worry about the future. -This time tomorrow you'll be dead. -% -You need not worry about your future. -% -You never gain something but that you lose something. - -- Thoreau -% -You never get a second chance to make a first impression. -% -You never go anywhere without your soul. -% -You never have to change anything you -got up in the middle of the night to write. - -- Saul Bellow -% -You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will -tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching -these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show -advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, -even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants -Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better -get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's -antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies -until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the -right gift. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. -% -You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. - -- William Blake -% -You never learned anything by doing it right. -% -You never realize how many friends you -have until you rent a house at the beach. -% -You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone -got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they -"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" -with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these -guys were getting stoned! - -- Johnny Carson -% -You now have Asian Flu. -% -You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. -% -You plan things that you do not even -attempt because of your extreme caution. -% -You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. -% -You prefer the company of the opposite -sex, but are well liked by your own. -% -You probably wouldn't worry about what people -think of you if you could know how seldom they do. - -- Olin Miller -% -You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. -% -You roll my log, and I will roll yours. - -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca -% -You say potatoe, -And I say potato. -You say tomatoe, -And I say tomato. -Potatoe, potato, -Tomatoe, tomato. -Let's go be the Vice President... -% -You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. -% -You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty -attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool -takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge -which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with -alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. -Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his -brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing -his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect -order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and -can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every -addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of -the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out -the useful ones. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You see things; and you say "Why?" -But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" - -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" - [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] -% -You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull -his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you -understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send -signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that -there is no cat. - -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio -% -You seek to shield those you love -and you like the role of the provider. -% -You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. -% -You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. - -- Joseph Conrad -% -You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. -% -You should go home. -% -You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except -incest and folk-dancing. - -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" -% -You should never bet against anything in science at -odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. - -- E. Rutherford -% -You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, -because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! - -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip -% -You should never wear your best trousers -when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. - -- Henrik Ibsen -% -You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. - -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" -% -You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put -your feet in it and swish them around a little. - -- Guindon -% -You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. -% -You teach best what you most need to learn. -% -YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! - -Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be -a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really -important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." - -Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward -to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and -make really big Zorkmids." - -MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when -you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. - - SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! -% -You tread upon my patience. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" -% -You two ought to be more careful-- -your love could drag on for years and years. -% -You want to know why I kept getting promoted? -Because my mouth knows more than my brain. - -- W.G. -% -You will always find something in the last place you look. -% -You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. -% -You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. -% -You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. -% -You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. -% -You will be advanced socially, -without any special effort on your part. -% -You will be aided greatly by a person -whom you thought to be unimportant. -% -You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. -% -You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. -% -You will be awarded some great honor. -% -You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. -% -You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. -% -You will be dead within a year. -% -You will be divorced within a year. -% -You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. -% -You will be held hostage by a radical group. -% -You will be honored for contributing -your time and skill to a worthy cause. -% -You will be imprisoned for contributing -your time and skill to a bank robbery. -% -You will be married within a year. -% -You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. -% -You will be misunderstood by everyone. -% -You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. -% -You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. -% -You will be run over by a beer truck. -% -You will be run over by a bus. -% -You will be singled out for promotion in your work. -% -You will be successful in love. -% -You will be surprised by a loud noise. -% -You will be surrounded by luxury. -% -You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. -% -You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. -% -You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. -% -You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. -% -You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. -% -You will become rich and famous unless you don't. -% -You will contract a rare disease. -% -You will engage in a profitable business activity. -% -You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. -% -You will feel hungry again in another hour. -% -You will find me drinking gin -In the lowest kind of inn, -Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. - -- G.K. Chesterton -% -You will forget that you ever knew me. -% -You will gain money by a fattening action. -% -You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. -% -You will gain money by an illegal action. -% -You will gain money by an immoral action. -% -You will get what you deserve. -% -You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. -% -You will have a head crash on your private pack. -% -You will have a long and boring life. -% -You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. -% -You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. -% -You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. -% -You will have long and healthy life. -% -You will have many recoverable tape errors. -% -You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. -% -You will inherit millions of dollars. -% -You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. -% -You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. -% -You will live to see your grandchildren. -% -You will lose an important disk file. -% -You will lose an important tape file. -% -You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. -% -You will never amount to much. - -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 -% -You will never know hunger. -% -You will not be elected to public office this year. -% -You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. -% -You will outgrow your usefulness. -% -You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. -% -You will pass away very quickly. -% -You will pay for your sins. -If you have already paid, please disregard this message. -% -You will pioneer the first Martian colony. -% -You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. -% -You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. -% -You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. -% -You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. -% -You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty -family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley -had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You will soon forget this. -% -You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. -% -You will step on the night soil of many countries. -% -You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, -but only because your brakes are defective. -% -You will triumph over your enemy. -% -You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. -% -You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. -% -You will wish you hadn't. -% -You won't skid if you stay in a rut. - -- Frank Hubbard -% -You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. -% -You worry too much about your job. -Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. -% -"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems -of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. -Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. -Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, -give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less -momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen -yourself in this way." - -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" -% -You would if you could but you can't so you won't. -% -You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't -be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. - -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell -% -You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. - -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" -% -You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. -% -You'll always be, -What you always were, -Which has nothing to do with, -All to do, with her. - -- Company -% -You'll be called to a post requiring -ability in handling groups of people. -% -You'll be sorry... -% -You'll feel devilish tonight. -Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. -% -You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. -% -You'll never be the man your mother was! -% -You'll never see all the places, or read all the -books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. -% -You'll wish that you had done some of the -hard things when they were easier to do. -% -Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for -counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the -experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth -them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin -of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might -have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of -actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly -to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few -principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, -which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will -not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop -nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, -repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but -content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to -compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct -the defects of both. - -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" -% -Young men, hear an old man to whom -old men hearkened when he was young. - -- Augustus Caesar -% -Young men think old men are fools; -but old men know young men are fools. - -- George Chapman -% -Your aim is high and to the right. -% -Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. -% -Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. -Don't believe a thing he tells you. -% -Your best consolation is the hope that the things -you failed to get weren't really worth having. -% -Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. -% -Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. -% -Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. -% -Your business will assume vast proportions. -% -Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. -% -Your code should be more efficient! -% -Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. -% -Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. -% -Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts - ...Here's How You Can Tell -Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you -can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They -listed 10 signs to watch for: - #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand - earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell - jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. - #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction - fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. - #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't - discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." - #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain - high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when - a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. -The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not -all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. - -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. - - [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] -% -Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. -% -Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, -dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being -attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last -minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the -Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the -medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe -25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in -seconds if we felt like it. - -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" -% -Your domestic life may be harmonious. -% -Your education begins where what is called your education is over. -% -Your fault - core dumped -% -Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. -EOF -% -Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what -type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! -Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in -California Halloween is redundant anyhow. - -PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) - Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are -fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your -bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when -other discover your good qualities without your help. -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be -sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" -and you will live all the days of your life. - -TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself -in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite -brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply -miss two car payments. - -GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) - You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in -common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand -at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. -Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until -you meet in court. -% -YOUR FOAMY FUTURE - by Miss Fortune - -CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) - You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel -you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get -in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going -to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? - -LEO (July 23 - August 22) - You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh -heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have -in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to -shop. - -VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) - Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are -affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job -is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a -career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more -than people who work standing up. -% -Your friends will know you better in the first minute you -meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. - -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" -% -Your goose is cooked. -(Your current chick is burned up too!) -% -Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. -% -Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. -% -Your ignorance cramps my conversation. -% -Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. -% -Your love life will be happy and harmonious. -% -Your love life will be... interesting. -% -Your lover will never wish to leave you. -% -Your lucky color has faded. -% -Your lucky number has been disconnected. -% -Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. -Watch for it everywhere. -% -Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not -original and the part that is original is not good. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -Your mind is the part of you that says, - "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" -... and then, twenty minutes later, says, - "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" - -- Steven and Ondrea Levine -% -Your mind understands what you have been -taught; your heart, what is true. -% -Your mode of life will be changed for -the better because of good news soon. -% -Your mode of life will be changed for -the better because of new developments. -% -Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. -% -Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. -% -Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder -Face like ice, a little bit colder -She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules -You learned in school" -But I don't really see -Why can't we go on as three? - -- David Crosby, "Triad" -% -Your motives for doing whatever good deed you -may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. -% -Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. -% -Your object is to save the world, -while still leading a pleasant life. -% -Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being -true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the -mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. -Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What -are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers -change. - -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul -% -Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. -% -Your password is pitifully obvious. -% -Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. -% -Your present plans will be successful. -% -Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. -% -Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. -% -Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You -need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion -picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use -the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified -success. - -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" -% -Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. -% -Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. -% -Your step will soil many countries. -% -Your supervisor is thinking about you. -% -Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. -% -Your temporary financial embarrassment will -be relieved in a surprising manner. -% -Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. -% -Your wig steers the gig. - -- Lord Buckley -% -Your wise men don't know how it feels -To be thick as a brick. - -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" -% -Your worship is your furnaces -which, like old idols, lost obscenes, -have molten bowels; your vision is -machines for making more machines. - -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 -% -You're a card which will have to be dealt with. -% -You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - -- Jim Samuels to a heckler - -Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. - -- Steve Martin to a heckler - -When your IQ rises to 28, sell. - -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler -% -You're all clear now, kid. -Now blow this thing so we can all go home. - -- Han Solo -% -You're almost as happy as you think you are. -% -You're already carrying the sphere! -% -You're always thinking you're gonna be -the one that makes 'em act different. - -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" -% -You're at the end of the road again. -% -You're at Witt's End. -% -You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. -% -You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." -% -You're definitely on their list. -The question to ask next is what list it is. -% -You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. - -- Eldridge Cleaver -% -You're growing out of some of your problems, -but there are others that you're growing into. -% -"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... -except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." - -- Swamp Thing -% -You're never too old to become younger. - -- Mae West -% -You're not Dave. Who are you? -% -You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -- Dean Martin -% -Your reasoning is excellent -- it's -only your basic assumptions that are wrong. -% -You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. -% -You're using a keyboard! How quaint! -% -You're working under a slight handicap. -You happen to be human. -% -Yours is not to reason why, -Just to Sail Away. -And when you find you have to throw -Your Legacy away; -Remember life as was it is, -And is as it were; -Chasing sounds across the galaxy -'Till silence is but a blur. - -- QYX. -% -Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. -% -Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of -courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. - -- Robert F. Kennedy -% -Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. -% -Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. - -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" -% -Youth is a disease from which we all recover. - -- Dorothy Fuldheim -% -Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Youth is the trustee of posterity. -% -Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is -when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. -% -You've always made the mistake of being yourself. - -- Eugene Ionesco -% -You've been Berkeley'ed! -% -You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. -% -You've been telling me to relax all the way here, -and now you're telling me just to be myself? - -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven -% -You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. -% -"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did -to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -YO-YO: - Something that is occasionally up but normally down. - (see also Computer). -% -Zall's Laws: - 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do - will be wrong. - 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom - door you're on. -% -zeal, n: - Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. -% -ZERO DEFECTS: - The result of shutting down a production line. -% -Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! - -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" -% -Zeus gave Leda the bird. -% -Zisla's Law: - If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -% -Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words -since I first called my brother's father dad. - -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" -% -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: - People are always available for work in the past tense. -% -Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right. - -- Henry Ford -% -The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. - -- Henry Ford -% -Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason -so few engage in it. - -- Henry Ford -% -It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our -banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would -be a revolution before tomorrow morning. - -- Henry Ford -% -A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. - -- Henry Ford -% -We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to -keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage. - -- Henry Ford -% -If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. - -- Henry Ford -% -A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he -can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my -emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them. - -- Oscar Wilde -% |