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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes deleted file mode 100644 index 7ccff770..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ /dev/null @@ -1,16309 +0,0 @@ -!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH -% -(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. -(2) Great generals are forewarned. -(3) Forewarned is forearmed. -(4) Four is an even number. -(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. -(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. - -Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. -% -(1) Everything depends. -(2) Nothing is always. -(3) Everything is sometimes. -% -1.80 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's -the law! -% -10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. -% -100 buckets of bits on the bus -100 buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FF buckets of bits on the bus - -FF buckets of bits on the bus -FF buckets of bits -Take one down, short it to ground -FE buckets of bits on the bus - -ad infinitum... -% -$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at -which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR - (1) Scarecrow for centipedes - (2) Dead cat brush - (3) Hair barrettes - (4) Cleats - (5) Self-piercing earrings - (6) Fungus trellis - (7) False eyelashes - (8) Prosthetic dog claws - . - . - . - (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) - (100) Killer velcro - (101) Currency -% -186,282 miles per second: - -It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! -% -2180, U.S. History question: - What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what -office did he later hold? -% -$3,000,000 -% -355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible -simulation! -% -3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie -process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such -traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find -ourselves in. - -- Jordan K. Hubbard -% -43rd Law of Computing: - Anything that can go wr -fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped -% -77. HO HUM -- The Redundant - -------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme ---- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife -------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ----O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the ----X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to ---- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. - -Nine in the second place means: - The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. - -Six in the third place means: - In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue - Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National - Redwood Forest. -% -7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) - The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the - Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. -% -99 blocks of crud on the disk, -99 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -100 blocks of crud on the disk! - -100 blocks of crud on the disk, -100 blocks of crud! -You patch a bug, and dump it again: -101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... -% -A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a -"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. - -- Mahatma Gandhi -% -A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. -Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific -game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have -traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, -preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and -placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or -rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results -from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball -and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the -ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no -responsibility at the other. -% -A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out -of a divorce. - -- Don Quinn -% -A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining -and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - -- Mark Twain -% -A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it -adds up to be real money. - -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen -% -A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. -% -A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. -% -A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. -% -... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you -have turned into a pile of dust. -% -A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have -enlightened him with ours. -% -A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well -as afterward. -% -A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the -poor to protect them from each other. -% -A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. -% -A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not -mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty -trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - -- Dave Barry -% -A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. -% -A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. -Avoid him. He's a Commie. -% -A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but -won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - -- Bill Vaughan -% -A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - -- Herbert Prochnow -% -A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody -wants to read. - -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" -% -A closed mouth gathers no foot. -% -A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. -% -A CONS is an object which cares. - -- Bernie Greenberg -% -A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it -is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. -% -A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. - -- Dyer -% -A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the -damned things is ample. - -- Rebecca West -% -A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - -- Ben Franklin -% -A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen -lantern. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? -% -A day without sunshine is like night. -% -A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur -coat. -% -A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that -you will look forward to the trip. -% - A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was -eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality -test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." - Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into -the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". -% -A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... -% - A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing -about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their -arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon -the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because -Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply -incredible surgical feat." - The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the -Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of -that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an -architect." - The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, -"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" -% -A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - -- Ogden Nash -% -A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a -Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. -Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network -with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the -Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly -pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while -simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick -Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. -% -A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the -subject. - -- Winston Churchill -% -A fool must now and then be right by chance. -% -A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into -superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block -of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an -elephant. -% -A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - -- D. Gries -% -A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch -dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. - -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" -% -A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than -he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men -favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter -facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding -ducks. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. -A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. -But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. - -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" -% -A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort -of). -% -A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened -into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the -hope of greening the landscape of idea. - -- John Ciardi -% -A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely -rearranging their prejudices. - -- William James -% -A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest -man a century. -% -A hypothetical paradox: - What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security -team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of -Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - -- Tom Galloway -% -A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. -C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. -E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. -G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. -I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. -K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. -M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui. -O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl -Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. -S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. -U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. -W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. -Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. - -- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" -% -A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. -% -A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - -- Robert Frost -% -A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. -% -A lady with one of her ears applied -To an open keyhole heard, inside, -Two female gossips in converse free -- -The subject engaging them was she. -"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks -That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" -As soon as no more of it she could hear -The lady, indignant, removed her ear. -"I will not stay," she said with a pout, -"To hear my character lied about!" - -- Gopete Sherany -% -A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is -not worth knowing. - -- Alan Perlis -% -A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program -in than some that do. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work -by being declared to work. - -- Anatol Holt -% -A Law of Computer Programming: - Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you -will find the programmers cannot write in English. -% -A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of -nothing. - -- Alan Perlis -% -A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" -% -A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. -% -A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any -price. -% -A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in -his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and -exceptional ability in that particular field." -% -A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - -- Steve Wright -% -A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I -believe everything positively stinks. - -- Lew Col -% - A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The -first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. - "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow -and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." - "But the collar is up around my ears!" - "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a -little more ... that's it." - "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. - "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you -go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." - So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the -street. Reba and Florence see him go by. - "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" - "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" - -"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a -sense of obligation." - -- Stephen Crane -% -A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. -% - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his -novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how -insignificant," said the master. - - "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. - - "It is," came the reply. - - "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. - - "It is even in a video game," said the master. - - "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" - - The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The -lesson is over for today," he said. - -- "The Tao of Programming" -% -A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. -% -A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed -on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new -game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the -pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly -along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their -heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn -around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite -direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the -paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin -colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins -fall over gently onto their backs. - - -- Audubon Society Magazine - - -[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: - For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) -monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx -helicopters passed overhead. - "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," -said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. - "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped -calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated -with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, -really." - The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres -(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on -king penguins.] -% - A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at -the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the -pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite -nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." - "If what?" asked the composer. - "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" -% -A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out -on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed -loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom -do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" -% -A new koan: - - If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. - - If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. - -It is an ice cream koan. -% -A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. -Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now -has no excuse for further procrastination. -% -A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies -insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the -right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. -% -A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the -rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. -% - A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which -removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to -doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous -amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware -limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the -larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient -power-down sequence. - An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the -building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has -bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer -cool. -% -A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power -off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: -"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no -understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off -and on. The machine worked. -% -A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. -% -A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A penny saved is ridiculous. -% -A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. -% -A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - -- George Wald -% -A pig is a jolly companion, -Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- -A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, -Though mountains may topple and tilt. -When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, -When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, -Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, -You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, -You'll never go wrong with a pig! - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% - A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling - by Mark Twain - - For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped -to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer -be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained -would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 -might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the -same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with -"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. - Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear -with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 -or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. -Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi -ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz -ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. - Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud -hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. -% -A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! - -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" -% -A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? - -And the Master answered: - -It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. - -It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. - -It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City -upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come -to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. - -And that is Fate? said the priest. - -Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. - -That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was -too. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came -upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. -"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow -man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." -% -A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -% -A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis -of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite -series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric -precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from -inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical -accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality -for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly -defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the -information in the first place. - -- IEEE Grid news magazine -% -A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that -your wife will give you for free. -% -A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be -too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which -was intended for her preservation. - -- Colton -% -A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as -"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if -the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants -to make a travesty of the game. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked -out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. - -- Steel City News -% -A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. -% -A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: - -Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, -"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny -bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the -lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and -breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the -Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of -the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt -thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then -proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being -the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand -Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, -shall snuff it." - -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" -% -A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices -that the system works. -% -A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and -the real reason. -% -A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen -objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer -scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added -concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three -dimensional objects ... -% -A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may -not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized -rosewater. -% -A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man -contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will -keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those -that are worth committing. - -- Samuel Butler -% - A Severe Strain on the Credulity - -As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest -parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket -is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one -considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one -begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really -starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor -maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. -Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing -of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to -re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum -against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the -knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 -% -A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. - -- Prof. Steiner -% -... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he -was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - -- Mark Twain -% -A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - -- O'Henry -% -A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many -bad measures. - -- Daniel Webster -% -A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an -exam. -% -A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to -Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it -true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as -Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt -shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. -% -A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something -undreamed of by its author. - -- S. C. Johnson -% -A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over -Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the -other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing -new versions of their own innards! - -- Michael O'Brien -% -A tautology is a thing which is tautological. -% -A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, -and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by -blowing first. -% -A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene -triangle. -% -A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -% -A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest -in students. - -- John Ciardi -% -A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. - -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin -% -A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature -replaces it with. - -- Tennessee Williams -% -A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without -getting nervous. -% -A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets -people's attention. -% -A witty saying proves nothing. - -- Voltaire -% -A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to -admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact -remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one -reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It -is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of -using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these -matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII -% -A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. -% -A.A.A.A.A.: - An organization for drunks who drive -% -AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! -You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! -% -Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. -% -About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -Absence makes the heart go wander. -% -Absent, adj.: - Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; -slandered. -% -Absentee, n.: - A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove -himself from the sphere of exaction. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Abstainer, n.: - A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a -pleasure. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Absurdity, n.: - A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own -opinion. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, -because the stakes are so low. - -- Wallace Sayre -% -Accident, n.: - A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of -body is better. - -- Foolish Dictionary -% -Accidents cause History. - -If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the -Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not -have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil -could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and -the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person -shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than -fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening -of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of -the returns." -% -According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least -once a year. -% -According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo -% -According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are -totally worthless. -% -According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never -dies. -% -According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to -live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came -in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. -Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. - -- David Letterman -% -Accordion, n.: - A bagpipe with pleats. -% -Accuracy, n.: - The vice of being right. -% - ACHTUNG!!! - -Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy -schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit -spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das -rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und -vatch das blinkenlights!!! -% -Acid -- better living through chemistry. -% -Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality. -% -Acquaintance, n.: - A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well -enough to lend to. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. -% -Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had - everyone glued in their seats!" -Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of - it!" -% -Actor: So what do you do for a living? -Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving - dishes for Chinese restaurants. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. -% -ADA, n.: - Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in -Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA -awareness." - -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 -% -Admiration, n.: - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Adolescence, n.: - The stage between puberty and adultery. -% -Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look -like you ... - -- Gilda Radner -% -Adore, v.: - To venerate expectantly. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Adult, n.: - One old enough to know better. -% -Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest -way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. - -- Sinclair Lewis -% -Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, -then at least be aseptic. -% -After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose -names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary -Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted -many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi -Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two -different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current -developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer -attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led -to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, -skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously -injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it -hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact -that it sinks like a stone. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. -It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life -more advanced than the lichen family. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% -After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. -% -... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known -quotations. - -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare -% -After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not -for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have -simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - -- P. J. O'Rourke -% -After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found -on the bench. -% - After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from -Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, -and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon -to be created." - "This is true," He replied. - "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. - "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the -right to make his laws?" - "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to -make his own." - It was so granted. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of -the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the -cost to others, to win advancement. - -- Norman Thomas -% -After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? -% -After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe -everything. Just in case. -% -After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access -cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been -removed. -% -Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a -change. -% -Afternoon, n.: - That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the -morning. -% -Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Age, n.: - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we -still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise -to commit. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. -% -Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, -there's the rub. - -For all dreams are not equal, -some exit to nightmare -most end with the dreamer - -But at least one must be lived ... and died. -% -Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the -Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact -that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately -unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep -up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. - -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic -% -Air is water with holes in it. -% -Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed -% -Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire -telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New -York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? -And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they -receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -% -Alden's Laws: - (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause - of pregnancy. - (2) Always be backlit. - (3) Sit down whenever possible. -% -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, -Aleph-null bottles of beer, - You take one down, and pass it around, -Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. -% -Alex Haley was adopted! -% -Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting -for a dial tone. -% -Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of -them keeps paying for it. - -- Peggy Joyce -% -All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent -upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a -visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is -informing, stimulating and ennobling. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely -than others. - -- Alan Truscott -% -All extremists should be taken out and shot. -% -All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing -without thinking. -% -"All flesh is grass" - -- Isaiah -Smoke a friend today. -% -All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. -% -All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own -importance. -% -All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled -by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... -% -All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are -Socrates. - -- Woody Allen -% -All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. -% -All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more -specific. - -- Jane Wagner -% -All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. - -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. -% -All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of -the United States. - -- Vic Gold -% -All power corrupts, but we need electricity. -% -All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -% -All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of -every organism to live beyond its income. - -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" -% -All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right -hands. - -- Saint Patrick -% -All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. -% -All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, -too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you -subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you -can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. -Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax -decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What -if it rains?" - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -... all the modern inconveniences ... - -- Mark Twain -% -All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most -ridiculous ones. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by -the government in less than a second. - -- Jim Fiebig -% -All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - -- Sean O'Casey -% -All the world's a VAX, -And all the coders merely butchers; -They have their exits and their entrails; -And one int in his time plays many widths, -His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, -Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. -And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, -And shining morning face, creeping like slug -Unwillingly to school. - -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 -% -All theoretical chemistry is really physics; -and all theoretical chemists know it. - -- Richard P. Feynman -% -All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. -% -All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for -fun. Money's just the way we keep score. - -- Henry Tyroon -% -All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. -% -All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes -infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in -which he was born. - -- Francois Fenelon -% -Alliance, n.: - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have -their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot -separately plunder a third. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Alone, adj.: - In bad company. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight -Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - -- Dave Barry -% -Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. -% -Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, -mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have -any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place -to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, -Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a -serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the -same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely -that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A -penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job -running the post office. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been -reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the -day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable -interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on -pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, -and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. -Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous -material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the -management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion -the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical -Gamekeeping." - -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) -% -Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid -back. -% -Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. -% -Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing -that way. -% -Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. -% - AMAZING BUT TRUE ... - -If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end -across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. -% - AMAZING BUT TRUE ... - -There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it -would completely cover the Sahara Desert. -% -Ambidextrous, adj.: - Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - -- Charlie McCarthy -% -America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism -to decadence without touching civilization. - -- John O'Hara -% -America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, -until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and -changed its name to "America". - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective -employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for -employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference -between the men's room and the women's room without having little -pictures on the doors. - -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" -% -Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. -% -An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because -people refuse to see it. - -- James Michener, "Space" -% -An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but -is always polite to traffic cops. -% -An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to -New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but -not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - -- David Letterman -% -An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. -% - An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He -knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with -great restraint. - As he designs the first work, frill after frill and -embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away -to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, -and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of -that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. - This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. -When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will -confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, -and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that -are particular and not generalizable. - The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using -all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first -one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". - -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" -% -An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. -% -An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree -murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's -mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. -Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the -suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a -murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." -% -An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you -really care to know. -% -An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. -% -An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. -% -An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded -summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your -arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey -responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" -% -An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - -- A. P. Herbert -% -An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He -wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is -advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and -Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in -incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote -excellence: - -The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and -discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able -to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting -things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch -parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a -timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who -doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. -Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high -school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as -successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and -they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. -% -... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often -picturesque liar. - -- Mark Twain -% -An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these -eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as -possible. - -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" -% -An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. -% - An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity -in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. - "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if -you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like -an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an -hour seems like a minute." - The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a -moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. -% -Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no -government at all. -% -And as we stand on the edge of darkness -Let our chant fill the void -That others may know - - In the land of the night - The ship of the sun - Is drawn by - The grateful dead. - - -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. -% -... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. -% -And I heard Jeff exclaim, -As they strolled out of sight, -"Merry Christmas to all -- -You take credit cards, right?" - -- "Outsiders" comic -% -... And malt does more than Milton can -To justify God's ways to man - -- A. E. Housman -% -And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. -% -... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of -your own. - -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter - Preposterous Words -% -And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and -fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it -looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One -approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin -is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then -of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides -gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this -procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom -youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and -Orson Welles. - -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" -% -...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a -courtesy detail. -% -And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a -horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical -columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, -ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the -world. - -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" -% - "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" -asked the father of his little son. - "Diet." -% -And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have -a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks -tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets -tragedy face to face, we have politics. - -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and - Ground Cover" -% -Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. -Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. - -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" -% -Angels we have heard on High -Tell us to go out and Buy. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Ankh if you love Isis. -% -Anoint, v.: - To grease a king or other great functionary already -sufficiently slippery. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% - Another Glitch in the Call - ------- ------ -- --- ---- - (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) - -We don't need no indirection -We don't need no flow control -No data typing or declarations -Did you leave the lists alone? - - Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! - -Chorus: - All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. - All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. -% -Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but -television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom -and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that -offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% - Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: - -(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). -(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. -(3) I don't know. -(4) Who cares? -(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, - Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. -(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my - book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and - bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of - Papyrus Books). -% -Anthony's Law of Force: - Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -% -Anthony's Law of the Workshop: - Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible - corner of the workshop. - -Corollary: - On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike - your toes. -% -Antonym, n.: - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. -% -Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - -- Charles McCabe -% -Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a -representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a -representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone -capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. - -- Richard Schickel -% -Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - -- Aesop -% -Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that -this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a -whole week. -% -Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to -sell it. -% -Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, -my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off -the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was -undoubtedly true. - -- Solomon Short -% -Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger -object. -% -Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to -exactly the point of most pressure. - -- Milt Barber -% -Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - -- Rich Kulawiec -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged -demo. - -- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga Inc. -% -Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked -something. -% -Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. -% -Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. -% -Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is -probably parked. -% -Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. -% -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is -supposed to be doing at the moment. - -- Robert Benchley -% -Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - -- Publius Syrus -% -Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with -none. -% -Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he -is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not -make messes in the house. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no -account be allowed to do the job. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never -tried taking candy from a baby. - -- Robin Hood -% -Anything free is worth what you pay for it. -% -Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. -% -Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the -price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" -means the price went way up. -% -Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. -% -Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. -% -Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. -% -Aphorism, n.: - A concise, clever statement. -Afterism, n.: - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - -- James Alexander Thom -% -APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of -the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of -coding bums. -% -APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I -can't read any of them. - -- Roy Keir -% -Aquadextrous, adj.: - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off -with your toes. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. - You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to - be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same - mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. -% -Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: - Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing -general can be said." -% -ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- - FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE -% -Are you a turtle? -% -Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You - are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are - not very nice. -% -Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your -shoes. - -- Mickey Mouse -% -Armadillo: - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle -% -Arnold's Laws of Documentation: - (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. - (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. - (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the - first two laws. -% -Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to -measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you -imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Art is anything you can get away with. - -- Marshall McLuhan -% -Art is either plagiarism or revolution. - -- Paul Gauguin -% -Arthur's Laws of Love: - (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you - remind them of someone else. - (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be - delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of - yourself in person. -% -Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. -% -As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are -interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick -perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, -"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual -certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I -became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can -meet girls. - -- Matt Cartmill -% -As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not -certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - -- Albert Einstein -% -As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - -- Weisert -% -As I was going up Punch Card Hill, - Feeling worse and worser, -There I met a C.R.T. - And it drop't me a cursor. - -C.R.T., C.R.T., - Phosphors light on you! -If I had fifty hours a day - I'd spend them all at you. - - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -As I was passing Project MAC, -I met a Quux with seven hacks. -Every hack had seven bugs; -Every bug had seven manifestations; -Every manifestation had seven symptoms. -Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, -How many losses at Project MAC? -% -As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great -industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free -speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to -myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a -real American talk like that. - -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) -% -As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? -% -As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its -fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be -popular. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. -% -As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 -programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. - -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new - computer system. -% -As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it -wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had -to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized -that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in -finding mistakes in my own programs. - -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 -% -As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's -so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - -- Woody Allen -% -As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there -is always a future in Computer Maintenance. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free -variable." -% -As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple -memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time -to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, -E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. - -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" -% -As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would -interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the -Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure -out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on -Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual -organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, -birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never -see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and -stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations -with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are -talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both -highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull -your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. -The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along -with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall -from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all -over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of -a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the -spider is suing you for damages. -% -As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." -% -ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. -% -Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if -one went to Harvard). - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. -% -Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the -Station-to-Station rate. -% -Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the -bathtub, it tolls for thee. -% -Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" -for an answer. -% -Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old -woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, -she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.' - -- David Letterman -% -Ass, n.: - The masculine of "lass". -% -Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. -Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be -strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. -Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check -and dying broke. - -- Stanley Walker -% -At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los -Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head -under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. -% -At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is -not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where -it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. - -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow -% -At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial -challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 -% -... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - -- J. B. White -% -At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents -% -At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his -thumb with a hammer. - -- Marshall Lumsden -% -At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will -find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on -the computer. -% -Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole -or street lamp. -% -Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever -depths they were once able to plumb. - -- Stanley Kaufman -% -Automobile, n.: - A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. -% -Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Avoid reality at all costs. -% -Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but -we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. - -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a student entering - school in the fall after the Kent State shootings -% -Bacchus, n.: - A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for -getting drunk. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Bagbiter: - 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually -intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This -bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on -obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the -bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, -CHOMPER, CHOMPING. -% -Bagdikian's Observation: - Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American -newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a -ukulele. -% -Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: - A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides -by governors. -% -Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. -% -Banectomy, n.: - The removal of bruises on a banana. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. -% -Barach's Rule: - An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. -% -Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the -floor -- especially in the dark. -% -Barometer, n.: - An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we -are having. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Barth's Distinction: - There are two types of people: those who divide people into two -types, and those who don't. -% -Baruch's Observation: - If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. -% -Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high -taxes. - -- Will Rogers -% -Basic is a high level languish. -APL is a high level anguish. -% -BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. -% -BASIC, n.: - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in -that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. -% -Bathquake, n.: - The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water -faucet is turned on to a certain point. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your -door. -% -BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) -% -Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely -get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your -face. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. -% -Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. - -- Mark Twain -% -Be different: conform. -% -Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so -get used to it. -% -Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. -% -Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and -miss - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Bees are very busy souls -They have no time for birth controls -And that is why in times like these -There are so many Sons of Bees. -% - Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and -took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his -followers. - One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and -there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. - "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his -commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your -Purpose in Life, anyway?" - Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The -Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) - Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. - Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. - -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" -% -Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. -% -Begathon, n.: - A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so -you won't have to watch commercials. -% -Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh -away. -% -Beifeld's Principle: - The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and -receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is -already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better -looking and richer male friend. -% -"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> -% -Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. -% -Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: - (1) Houses are for people to live in. - (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. - (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. -% -Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. - -- Time Bandits -% -Besides the device, the box should contain: - -* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" - -* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two - club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. - -YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram -cable. - -IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your -spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car -that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King -without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's -why." - -WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" -% -Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. -% -better !pout !cry -better watchout -lpr why -santa claus <north pole >town - -cat /etc/passwd >list -ncheck list -ncheck list -cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist -cat list | grep nice >giftlist -santa claus <north pole > town - -who | grep sleeping -who | grep awake -who | egrep 'bad|good' -for (goodness sake) { - be good -} -% -Better dead than mellow. -% -Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson -Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. -Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and -great effort pushing boulders into a single word. - -It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. -Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin -equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the -destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass -both Parliament and Party. - -It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other -planets, this may be the first message received from us. - -- The Realist, November, 1964 -% -Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not -tried it. - -- Donald Knuth -% -Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! -% -Beware of low-flying butterflies. -% -Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - -- Leonard Brandwein -% -Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a -drip under pressure. -% -Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and -finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of -murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by -their ignorance the hard way. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" -% -Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but -nothing of interest is easy. -% -Binary, adj.: - Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. -% -Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same -thing as division. -% -Bipolar, adj.: - Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, -New York -% -Birth, n.: - The first and direst of all disasters. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. -% -Bizoos, n.: - The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a -basketball. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... -% -Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. - -- Herbert Hoover -% -Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, -for they Shall be Known as Wheels. -% -BLISS is ignorance. -% -Blood flows down one leg and up the other. -% -Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. -% -Blore's Razor: - Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is -funnier. -% -Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in -plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has -it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was -arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept -throwing up on them. -% -Boling's postulate: - If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. -% -Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: - Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so -vividly manifests their lack of progress. -% -Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: - Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -% -BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! -% -Boob's Law: - You always find something in the last place you look. -% -Bore, n.: - A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. - -- Walter Winchell -% -Bore, n.: - A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Boren's Laws: - (1) When in charge, ponder. - (2) When in trouble, delegate. - (3) When in doubt, mumble. -% -Boss, n.: - According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages -the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, -in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an -ornamental stud." -% -Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry -that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation -straightened out for a crowbar. - -- O. W. Holmes -% -Boston, n.: - Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for -finishing second in the Irish jig competition. -% -Boy, life takes a long time to live. - -- Steven Wright -% -Boy, n.: - A noise with dirt on it. -% -Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least -when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. - -- James Thurber -% -Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the -unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only -(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend -to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' - -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" -% -Bradley's Bromide: - If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a -committee -- that will do them in. -% -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more -easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have -handled this?" -% -Brain fried -- Core dumped -% -Brain, n.: - The apparatus with which we think that we think. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: - To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of -error in an opponent. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, -since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Bride, n.: - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may -revitalize the corner saloon. -% -British Israelites: - The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of -Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by -Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further -believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the -Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in -the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your -head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Broad-mindedness, n.: - The result of flattening high-mindedness out. -% -Brontosaurus Principle: - Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them -in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when -this occurs, they are an endangered species. - -- Thomas K. Connellan -% -Brook's Law: - Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later -% -Brooke's Law: - Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool -discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it -beyond recognition. -% -Bubble Memory, n.: - A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's -intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". -% -Bucy's Law: - Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -% -Bug, n.: - An aspect of a computer program which exists because the -programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he -wrote the program. - -Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. - -- Ray Simard -% -Bugs, pl. n.: - Small living things that small living boys throw on small -living girls. -% -BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the - outfit." -GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" -BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." - -- Jay Ward -% -Bumper sticker: - -All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British -manufacture. -% -Bureaucrat, n.: - A person who cuts red tape sideways. - -- J. McCabe -% -Bureaucrat, n.: - A politician who has tenure. -% -Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. -% -Burn's Hog Weighing Method: - (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a - sawhorse. - (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. - (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again - perfectly balanced. - (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. - -- Robert Burns -% - But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can -easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed -and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) -upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was -without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based -on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court -was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and -sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, -human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws. -% -But I don't like Spam!!!! -% - But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human -intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as -we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues -that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding -of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard -example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- -makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing -whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a -finite or an infinite number. - -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" -% -But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the -system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, -analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing - Compilers" -% -But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast -to the nearest gas station. -% -But scientists, who ought to know -Assure us that it must be so. -Oh, let us never, never doubt -What nobody is sure about. - -- Hilaire Belloc -% -But soft you, the fair Ophelia: -Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, -But get thee to a nunnery -- go! - -- Mark "The Bard" Twain -% -But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who -was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal -education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in -1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of -American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was -invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he -invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant -adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends -electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the -electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant -part) sends it right back to the customer again. - -This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch -of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since -very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. -In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United -States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it -ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate -increases. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad -place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. -Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a -kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, -poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I -explained yet about the bytes? -% -... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. - -- Virginia Masters -% -But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable -computers? -% -Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes -Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; -Less dear than army ants in apple pies -Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, -Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; -Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose -They suck, and like the double-breasted suit -Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, -Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; -And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: -Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; -Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. -Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, -Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. -% -By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task -completely overwhelm you. -% -By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, -it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to -invent. - -- R. Emerson - -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program - (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") - [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to - misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] -% -By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began -to suspect 'Hungry' ... - -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" -% -By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I -mean. - -- Mark Twain -% -Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to -point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very -fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are -often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people -from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B -that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often -wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell -they wanted to be. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -C, n.: - A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more -like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or -anything else. It is either the best language available to the art -today, or it isn't. - -- Ray Simard -% -Cabbage, n.: - A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as -a man's head. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. - -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 -% -Cahn's Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions. -% -California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. - -- Fred Allen -% -California, n.: - From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or -Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or -"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." - -- Ed Moran -% -Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - -- Indian proverb -% -Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target -Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. -% -Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -% -Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth -Corner, Vermont. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two -points. - -- M. M. Johnston -% -Canada Bill Jone's Motto: - It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. - -Supplement: - A .44 magnum beats four aces. -% -Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents -for postage and 30 cents for storage. - -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post -% -Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? -Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, -A root or two, a torus and a node: -The inverse of my verse, a null domain. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -CANCER (June 21 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's -problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things -off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare -recipients are Cancer people. -% -Canonical, adj.: - The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true -story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some -annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a -point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and -eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used -the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. - Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" - Stallman: "What did he say?" - Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." -% -CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do -much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any -importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as -they take root and become trees. -% -Captain Penny's Law: - You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of -the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. -% -Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than -expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to -complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their -planning to reduce the time it takes. -% -Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and -trousers that don't match. -% -Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a -dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then -putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Cat, n.: - Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. -% -Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. - -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" -% -Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. -% -CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. -% -Cecil, you're my final hope -Of finding out the true Straight Dope -For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat -But none of my cats are at all like that. -This unusual animal (so it is said) -Is simultaneously alive and dead! -What I don't understand is just why he -Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. -My future now hangs in between eigenstates. -In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. -If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way -And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. -But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, -Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. - -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium - of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams -% -Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. -% -Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the -center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation -works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, -how many? -% -Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something -Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy - out of it? -Jaka: Ugh! -Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" -% -Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long -walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They -then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy -health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, -not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find -only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the -others who have tried it. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, -But it's very funny-- - Did you ever try buying them without money? - -- Ogden Nash -% - Chapter 1 - -The story so far: - - In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot -of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -% -Character Density, n.: - The number of very weird people in the office. -% -Checkuary, n.: - The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and -ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his -checks. -% -Chef, n.: - Any cook who swears in French. -% -Chemicals, n.: - Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. -% -Chemistry is applied theology. - -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III -% -Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: - Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn -headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". - -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 -% -Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: - The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request -for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will -cheerfully baste you. - -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 -% -Chicago, n.: - Where the dead still vote ... early and often! -% -Chicken Little only has to be right once. -% -Chicken Little was right. -% -Chicken Soup, n.: - An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, -cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure -is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every -effort to teach them good manners. -% -Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're -going to catch you in next. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -Children aren't happy without something to ignore, -And that's what parents were created for. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for -word what you shouldn't have said. -% -Chism's Law of Completion: - The amount of time required to complete a government project is -precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. -% -Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: - When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. -% -Chivalry, Schmivalry! - Roger the thief has a - method he uses for - sneaky attacks: -Folks who are reading are - Characteristically - Always Forgetting to - Guard their own bac ... -% -Christ: - A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. -% -Churchill's Commentary on Man: - Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the -time he will pick himself up and continue on. -% -Cigarette, n.: - A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in -between. -% -Cinemuck, n.: - The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which -covers the floors of movie theaters. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Clairvoyant, n.: - A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that -which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like -shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - -- Phyllis Diller -% -Cleanliness is next to impossible. -% -Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. -% -Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. -% -Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. -% -Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on -society. - -- Mark Twain -% -COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -% -Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. -% -Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- -"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. - -- Blair Houghton -% -Coincidence, n.: - You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was -going on. -% -Coincidences are spiritual puns. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -Cold, adj.: - When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. -% -Cold, adj.: - When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own -pockets. -% -Collaboration, n.: - A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the -other fellow can spell. -% -College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the -faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if -the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, -legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the -loss to humanity. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Colvard's Logical Premises: - All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it - won't. - -Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: - This is especially true when dealing with someone you're - attracted to. - -Grelb's Commentary - Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. -% -Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, -And every vector dreams of matrices. -Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: -It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, -Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, -Their indices bedecked from one to _n, -Commingled in an endless Markov chain! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Command, n.: - Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in -such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. -% - COMMENT - -Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, -A medley of extemporanea; -And love is thing that can never go wrong; -And I am Marie of Roumania. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Commitment, n.: - Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. -The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. -% -Committee Rules: - (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. - (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this - stamps you as being wise. - (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the - others. - (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. - (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you - popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. -% -Committee, n.: - A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group -decide that nothing can be done. - -- Fred Allen -% -Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to -be appointed to do the work. -% -Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at -different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. - -- Clive James -% -Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. - -- Josh Billings -% -Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness -of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." - -- David Guaspari -% -Computer programmers do it byte by byte. -% -Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems -theory. -% -Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -% -Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in -the world that just don't add up. -% -Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more -than the estimate the job will cost. -% -Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -Concept, n.: - Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than -$25,000. -% -... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this -business, it probably would be gibberish. - -- Thom McLeod -% -Condense soup, not books! -% -Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is -good for dandruff. - -- Peter de Vries -% -Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. -% -Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that -would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that -you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer -maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS -OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY -UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED -IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD -WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND -SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, -RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, -RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE -FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" -% -Connector Conspiracy, n: - [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the -KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of -manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) -to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old -stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive -interface devices. -% -Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" -% -Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. -% -Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you -wish you weren't. -% -Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. - -- Daffy Duck, "Ali Baba Bunny", [1957, Chuck Jones] -% -Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then -give it back to them. -% -"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and -if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern -technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. -% -Conversation, n.: - A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath -is called the listener. -% -Conway's Law: - In any organization there will always be one person who knows - what is going on. - - This person must be fired. -% -Coronation, n.: - The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and -visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite -bomb. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Corrupt, adj.: - In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. -% -Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a -muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can -make of capitalism. - -- Walter Lippmann -% -Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job -is to enforce the law and fight crime. - -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan -% -Court, n.: - A place where they dispense with justice. - -- Arthur Train -% -Coward, n.: - One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with -nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. - -- A. E. Neuman -% -Critic, n.: - A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries -to please him. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Croll's Query: - If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? -% -cursor address, n: - "Hello, cursor!" - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It -eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the -business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. - -- Johnny Hart -% -Cynic, n.: - A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not -as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking -out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Cynic, n.: - One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. -% -Dare to be naive. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% -Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. -% -Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." -Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." -% -Dawn, n.: - The time when men of reason go to bed. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. -% -%DCL-E-MEM-BAD, bad memory --VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears -% -Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also -easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to -improve. -% -Dear Lord: - I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On -the other hand", again. -% -Dear Miss Manners: - My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's -elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between -courses, is all right. Which is correct? - -Gentle Reader: - For the purpose of answering examinations in your home -economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this -principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now -than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners -believes that is. -% -Dear Miss Manners: - Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from -your face. - -Gentle Reader: - Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on -your face ... -% -Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part -of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old -will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a -commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as -"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a -table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always -says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, -"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this -complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim -if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a -dead bat? - -Answer: Yes. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? - -Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business -signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a -word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR -ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when -creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put -quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT -DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. -% -Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - -- R. Geis -% -Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. -% -Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. -% -Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -% -Death is only a state of mind. - -Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. -% -Death to all fanatics! -% -Decision maker, n.: - The person in your office who was unable to form a task force -before the music stopped. -% -Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really -overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene -language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the -judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when -addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). - -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. -% - Deck Us All With Boston Charlie - -Deck us all with Boston Charlie, -Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! -Nora's freezin' on the trolley, -Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! - -Don't we know archaic barrel, -Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. -Trolley Molly don't love Harold, -Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! - -- Walt Kelly -% -"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of -marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a -theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, -those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly -blessed. - -- Randy Davis -% -default, n.: - [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, -mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will -come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - - -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word -% -Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: - Hardware is what you kick; - Software is what you curse. -% - DELETE A FORTUNE! - -Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like -to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to -"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it -gets expunged. -% -Deliberation, n.: - The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is -buttered on. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. -% -Demand the establishment of the government -in its rightful home at Disneyland. -% -Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than -we deserve. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder -aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - -- Senator Soaper -% -Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the -incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you -don't think. -% -Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by -Jackasses. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. - -- Jawaharlal Nehru -% -Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people -are right more than half of the time. - -- E. B. White -% -Democracy, n.: - A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass -meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. -Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. -Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, -whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, -prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. -Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. - -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), - since withdrawn. -% -Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the -board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. -% -Dentist, n.: - A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls -coins out of one's pockets. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will -be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over -the table. - -- The Anarchist Cookbook -% - DETERIORATA - -Go placidly amid the noise and waste, -And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. -Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. -Rotate your tires. -Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, -And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. -Know what to kiss -- and when. -Remember that two wrongs never make a right, -But that three do. -Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". -Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, -And despite the changing fortunes of time, -There is always a big future in computer maintenance. - - You are a fluke of the universe ... - You have no right to be here. - Whether you can hear it or not, the universe - Is laughing behind your back. - -- National Lampoon -% -DeVries's Dilemma: - If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want -hits the paper. -% -Did I say 2? I lied. -% -Did you know ... - -That no-one ever reads these things? -% -Did you know that clones never use mirrors? - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined -them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? -% -Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot -that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: - - "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and - squirrel." - - -- ihuxw!tommyo -% -Die, v.: - To stop sinning suddenly. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a -conventional thing to happen to him. - -- John Barrymore's dying words -% -Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. -% -Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. -Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. -% -Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. -% -Disc space -- the final frontier! -% -Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be -yours too." - -- Dave Haynie -% -Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my -employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely -coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is -non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the -absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. -The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for -the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, -non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) -% -Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. -% -Distinctive, adj.: - A different color or shape than our competitors. -% -Distress, n.: - A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape -injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any -damage inflicted on the vehicle. -% -Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? -% -Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? -% -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% -Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to -anger. -% -Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good -with ketchup. -% -Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. -Violators will be prosecuted. -(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) -% -Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. -% -Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each -day as it comes. - -- Donald Kaul -% -Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. -% -Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. -% -Do you have lysdexia? -% -Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take -the time to take the dirt out of them? -% -"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" -"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" -"I've never done anything illegal before." -"I thought you said you were an accountant!" -% -Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and -when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - -- Dick Brandon -% -Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must -be good because the programmers hate it so much. -% -Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -% -Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. -% -Don't be humble ... you're not that great. - -- Golda Meir -% -Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. -% -Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! - -- Joe Cointment -% -"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - -They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They -used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used -finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used -fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. -They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. -They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. -They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And -what the hell, they caught him. - - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% -Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! -% -Don't feed the bats tonight. -% -Don't get even -- get odd! -% -Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly -misleading. Debug only code. - -- Dave Storer -% -Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes -you nothing. It was here first. - -- Mark Twain -% -Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. -% -Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. -% -Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. -% -Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. -% -Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. -% -Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. -% -Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. -% -Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. -% -Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy -it today you can do it again tomorrow. -% -Don't say yes until I finish talking. - -- Darryl F. Zanuck -% -Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. -Cheat. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! - -- "Brazil" -% -Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. -% -Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. -% -Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to -get more wax!! -% -Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts -avoiding you. - -- The Old Farmer's Almanac -% -Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any -good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - -- Howard Aiken -% -Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already -tomorrow in Australia. - -- Charles Schultz -% -Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too -busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. -% -Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? -% -Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she - pretty? -W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of - bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to - sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. -Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. -W. C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson - E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" -% - Double Bucky - (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") - -Double bucky, you're the one! -You make my keyboard lots of fun - Double bucky, an additional bit or two: -(Vo-vo-de-o!) -Control and Meta side by side, -Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! - Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! - -Oh, I sure wish that I, -Had a couple of bits more! -Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. - -Double bucky, left and right -OR'd together, outta sight! - Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of - Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of - Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! - - -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. - (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit - be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use - by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) -% -Double-Blind Experiment, n.: - An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is -fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a -strong belief in the tooth fairy. -% -Down with categorical imperative! -% -Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -% -Drew's Law of Highway Biology: - The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front -of your eyes. -% -Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. -% -Drive defensively. Buy a tank. -% -Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! -% -Ducharme's Axiom: - If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize -yourself as part of the problem. -% -Ducharme's Precept: - Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. -% -Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and -it holds the universe together. - -- Carl Zwanzig -% -Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders -has been discontinued. -% -Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate -and captain of your soul. -% -Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been -discontinued. -% - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen -were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a -red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, -"Hey, you almost hit my wife." - "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a -shot at mine, over there." -% -During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several -times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o -% -Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have -nothing whatever to do with it. - -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) -% -E Pluribus Unix -% -Eagleson's Law: - Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more -months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is -an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) -% -Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends -% -/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. -% -Earth is a beta site. -% -Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. - -- Jeff Berner -% -Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: - Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the -cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of -the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this -means the puzzle is solved. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. -% -Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. -% -Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Economics, n.: - Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. -Galbraith ... - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy -would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it -hasn't. - -- Robert Orben -% -Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a -percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. - -- Fred Allen -% -Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. - -- Irsin Edman -% -Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! - -- Bullwinkle Moose -% -Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many -people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable -comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where -the "nog" comes from. - -To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in -season, eggs... -% -Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain -of being a damned fool. - -- Bellamy Brooks -% -Egotist, n.: - A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Ehrman's Commentary: - (1) Things will get worse before they get better. - (2) Who said things would get better? -% -Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. - -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star -% -Eleanor Rigby - Sits at the keyboard - And waits for a line on the screen -Lives in a dream -Waits for a signal - Finding some code - That will make the machine do some more. -What is it for? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? - -Hacker MacKensie -Writing the code for a program that no one will run -It's nearly done -Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. -What does he care? - -All the lonely users, where do they all come from? -All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -Ah, look at all the lonely users. -% -Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. -% - Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, -called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you -have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in -most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the -time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could -have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, -although God alone knows why it would want to. - The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, -direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes -have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one -direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents -harmful electron buildup in the wires. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Electrocution, n.: - Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. -% -Elevators smell different to midgets. -% -Emerson's Law of Contrariness: - Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we -can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. -% -Encyclopedia Salesmen: - Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police -and tell them your house is being burgled. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. -Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% -Entropy isn't what it used to be. -% -Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which -otherwise require harder thinking. - -- Jerome Lettvin -% -Epperson's law: - When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably -something his wife can beat him at. -% -Equal bytes for women. -% -Error in operator: add beer -% -Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven - Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; -Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven - Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - -- Woody Allen -% -Etymology, n.: - Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that -were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed -from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" -("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." - -- Mike Kellen -% -Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to -speak it to? - -- Clarence Darrow -% -Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - -- Will Rogers -% -Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United -States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a -day. -% -Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you -just how busy they are? -% -Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, -exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." -All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with -spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: -Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please -take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? -My wife is available. No. How about ..." - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. -% -Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -% -Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this -woman and stop her. -% -Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one -idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's -sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all -of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two -highly-motivated, caustic twits. - -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet -% -Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired -signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not -fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not -spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the -genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way -of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is -humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 -% -Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): - -Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in -front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an -odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even -and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of -legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, -there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse -of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same -color"], that does not exist. -% -Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. - -- Frank Moore Colby -% -Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. -% -Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - -- Don Vonada -% -Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. -% -Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% -Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the -richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - -- Robert Orben -% -Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. - -It makes sense, when you don't think about it. -% -Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one -instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every -program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. -% -Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and -another for which it wasn't. -% -Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. -% -Every solution breeds new problems. -% -Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no -guarantee of eventual success. -% -Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. -% -Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. - -- Beckett -% -Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - -- Dykstra -% -Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. -% -Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be -taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. -% -Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to -realize it. -% -Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic -formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the -scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact -wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of -existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to -discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the -problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the -mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, -one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely -different way ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. -% -Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, -no one we know belongs. -% -Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being -that a belch is more satisfying. - -- Ingmar Bergman -% -Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about -something you know. - -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, - June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List -% -Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. -% -Everything you know is wrong! -% -Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less -obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no -solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. -There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no -straight lines. - -- R. Buckminster Fuller -% - Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping -mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as -"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you -how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", -"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night -So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. -% -Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. -% -Excellent day to have a rotten day. -% -Excellent time to become a missing person. -% -Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from -acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - -- W. Somerset Maugham -% -Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. -% -Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do -the work. - -- John G. Pollard -% -Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. -% -Expense Accounts, n.: - Corporate food stamps. -% -Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - -- Olivier -% -Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake -when you make it again. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and -the instruction afterward. -% -Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old -ones. -% -Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. -% -Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -% -Expert, n.: - Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. -% -Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: - - NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE - -To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully -cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand -corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and -address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- -to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower -left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card -below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your -computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL -SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card -(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the -Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be -disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print -this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and -completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. -% -F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! -% -f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. -% -f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. -% -F: When into a room I plunge, I - Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. - Then I linger, darkly brooding - On the poison they're exuding. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. -% -Fairy Tale, n.: - A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. -% -Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic -without looking to see whether the seeds move. -% -Faith, n: - That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be -untrue. -% -Fakir, n: - A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost -religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to -have shinnied up a rope and vanished. -% -Familiarity breeds attempt. -% -Families, when a child is born -Want it to be intelligent. -I, through intelligence, -Having wrecked my whole life, -Only hope the baby will prove -Ignorant and stupid. -Then he will crown a tranquil life -By becoming a Cabinet Minister - -- Su Tung-p'o -% -Famous last words: -% -Famous last words: - (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." - (2) "You and what army?" - (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be - a cop." -% -Famous last words: - (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. - (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. - (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- - (4) We won't need reservations. - (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. - (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. - (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. - (8) Don't worry! Women love it! -% -Famous, adj.: - Conspicuously miserable. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the -Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. -Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an -utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life -forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches -are a pretty neat idea. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it -every six months. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Fats Loves Madelyn. -% -Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... -% -Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, -neither will you. -% - Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each -other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around -the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors -d'oeuvres. - Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes -to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your -Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright -piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. - Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with -inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down -other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and -placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when -the little hammers strike. - Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over -their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning -Christmas tree. The piano is missing. - - You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless -you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level -4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. -% -Fifth Law of Applied Terror: - If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. - -Corollary: - If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. -% -Fifth Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that -there is nothing important to do. -% -Fifty flippant frogs -Walked by on flippered feet -And with their slime they made the time -Unnaturally fleet. -% - FIGHTING WORDS - -Say my love is easy had, - Say I'm bitten raw with pride, -Say I am too often sad -- - Still behold me at your side. - -Say I'm neither brave nor young, - Say I woo and coddle care, -Say the devil touched my tongue -- - Still you have my heart to wear. - -But say my verses do not scan, - And I get me another man! - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North -Carolina. -% -Finagle's Creed: - Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -% -Finagle's First Law: - If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. -% -Finagle's Fourth Law: - Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes -it worse. -% -Finagle's Second Law: - No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be -someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it -happened according to his own pet theory. -% -Finagle's Third Law: - In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, - beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. - -Corollaries: - (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. - (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really - don't want to hear, will see it immediately. -% -Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture -on a rock. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. -% -Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. -% -Fine's Corollary: - Functionality breeds Contempt. -% -Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: - - "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." - -Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: - - P.O. Box 35 - Baffled Greek, Michigan -% -First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: - Machines that piss people off get murdered. - -- Pat Taber -% -First Law of Bicycling: - No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the -wind. -% -First Law of Procrastination: - Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility -for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed -the deadline). -% -First Law of Socio-Genetics: - Celibacy is not hereditary. -% -First Rule of History: - History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each -other. -% -First things first -- but not necessarily in that order - -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" -% -First, a few words about tools. - -Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of -the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously -injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If -you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look -particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for -granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. - -- Robert Firth -% -FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when -the little hand is on the .... -% -Flon's Law: - There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is -the least bit difficult to write bad programs. -% -Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her -husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my -joules!" - -"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux -a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." - -"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them -in my burette ... We must call a copper." - -Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, -said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name -of Lawrence Ium. - -"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and -dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can -catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an -activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... - -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" -% -flowchart, n. & v.: - [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart -"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] -1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction -problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation -using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic -doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for -wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A -thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's -Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce -flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate -(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Flugg's Law: - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the -world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. -% -Flying saucers on occasion - Show themselves to human eyes. -Aliens fume, put off invasion - While they brand these tales as lies. -% -Fog Lamps, n.: - Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the -fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the -driver's brain is in a fog. - -See also "Idiot Lights". -% -Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. - -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" -% -For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... -% -For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a -cat. -% -For an adequate time call 555-3321. -% -For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be -always old-fashioned. -% -For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, -and wrong. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. - -- R. Clopton -% - "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence -of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." - - "Whose?" - - "MINE! HA-HA!" -% -For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. -% -For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire -life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days -now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets -when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch -in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have -the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which -means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are -advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are -the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their -names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot -("part of this complete breakfast"). - -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" -% -For perfect happiness, remember two things: - (1) Be content with what you've got. - (2) Be sure you've got plenty. -% -For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say -"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to - the U.S. -% -For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. -% -For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of -a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with -computers altogether? - -- Jehan Shuman -% -For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but -phone calls taper off. - -- Johnny Carson -% -For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- -I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. -But now I think a thought that brings me hope: -Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - -- Justin Richardson -% -For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! -% -Forgetfulness, n.: - A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their -destitution of conscience. -% -Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. -% -FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 - -RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. - One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and - arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating - hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. -% -fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: - - I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. - "Hey you, get off my plate" - -- Roger Midnight -% -Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: - "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" -% -Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): - - Don't Write On Walls! - - (and underneath) - - You want I should type? -% -Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): - No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this -State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed -with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females -weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it -apply to female horses. -% -Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful -Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an -impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and -clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following -exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. - -DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are - having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. -HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? -DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter - is that female oysters through their living habits cast out - large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large - amounts of fertilization ... -HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many - teenagers who read The Congressional Record. -% -Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: - - Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. -% -FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 - -Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good -liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and -light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything -drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: - -Q: Are you married? -A: No, I'm divorced. -Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? -A: A lot of things I didn't know about. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: - -Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? -A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: - -THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present - information and prejudice from your minds, if you have - any ... -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: - -Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? -A: I will be three months November 8th. -Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? -A: Yes. -Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: - -Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? -A: No. -Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? -A: Picking them up in the air. -Q: Where was the dog at this time? -A: Attached to the ears. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: - -Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were - able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to - go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with - him to the station? -MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: - -Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? -A: By death. -Q: And by whose death was it terminated? -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: - -Q: What is your name? -A: Ernestine McDowell. -Q: And what is your marital status? -A: Fair. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: - -Q: What happened then? -A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify - me." -Q: Did he kill you? -A: No. -% -fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. -% -Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai -sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. - -Oh, and have a nice day! - -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 -% -Fourth Law of Applied Terror: - The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology -instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - -Corollary: - Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do -except study for that instructor's course. -% -Fourth Law of Revision: - It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about -interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. -% -Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not -almost one, it is damn near zero. - -- David Ellis -% -Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a -policeman's tie. -% -Fresco's Discovery: - If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. -% -Friends, Romans, Hipsters, -Let me clue you in; -I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. -The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; -The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus -Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; -If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, -And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. -Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; -So are they all, all cool cats, -- -Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. -% -Frisbeetarianism, n.: - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and -gets stuck. -% -Frobnicate, v.: - To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. -Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a -frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK -sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless -manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse -search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is -turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it -he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the -screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because -turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. -% -Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: - An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to -electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to -FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and -FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. -FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure -via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be -applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. -% -[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology -Association, in Rome]: - -The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria -and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not -spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, -or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in -millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have -reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology -engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, -president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social -schizophrenia in mass genocide. -% -From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: - -Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and -the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the -Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his -candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground -nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, -other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not -qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their -being nuts (unground)." -% -From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was -convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" -% -[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made -in Japan]: - -The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT -MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is -featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality -against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", -"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 -Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile -operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. - -And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help -achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by -HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. -% -From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the -instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new -experience in sound: - - 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading - sound is normal for this type of connector. -% -From too much love of living, -From hope and fear set free, -We thank with brief thanksgiving, -Whatever gods may be, -That no life lives forever, -That dead men rise up never, -That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. - -- Swinburne -% -Fuch's Warning: - If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well -enough to travel. -% -Fudd's First Law of Opposition: - Push something hard enough and it will fall over. -% -Furbling, v.: - Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank -even when you are the only person in line. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - -- H. H. Williams -% -Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. -% -G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One -of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his -secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says -`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And -that's your chance, my boy." -% -Garbage In -- Gospel Out. -% -Garter, n.: - An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her -stockings and desolating the country. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall -on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! - -- Adventures of Asterix -% -Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". - - Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound -than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: - "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." -Obvious, isn't it? - Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start -speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as -long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all -your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and -so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed -individuals and then grow ... - Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those -signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when -everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on -the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs -backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I -think not, my friend, I think not. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an -extracurricular activity except you." - "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" - "Only to ten, Mudhead." - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. -% -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you -because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much -for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for -committing incest. -% -GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) - Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while -you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise -and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short -trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. -% -Genderplex, n.: - The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to -determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and -tortoises). - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why -you should. -% -Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus -handicapped. - -- Elbert Hubbard -% -Genius, n.: - A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with -"bright". -% -George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. - -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -George Orwell was an optimist. -% -George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to -have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. - -- Ashley Cooper -% -Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: - (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong - direction. - (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. - (3) The energy required to change either one of these states - will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so - much as to make the task totally impossible. -% -Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. -% - Get GUMMed - --- ------ -The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April -1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above -the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep -each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered -chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek -nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three -days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two -seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- -friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is -Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis -"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You -Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because -all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we -could tell them. - -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 -% -Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! -% - -- Gifts for Children -- - -This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, -because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months -and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- -morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children -exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If -your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You -Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it -might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe -me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child -who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% - -- Gifts for Men -- - -Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional -ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you -should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the -clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For -example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only -three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, -that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh -at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). -So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several -years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will -pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. - -If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More -than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set -of tires. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% - Gimmie That Old Time Religion -We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, -Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, -I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, -And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! - (chorus) (chorus) - -In the church of Aphrodite, -The priestess wears a see-through nightie, -She's a mighty righteous sightie, -And she's good enough for me! - (chorus) - -CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, - Give me that old time religion, - Give me that old time religion, - 'Cause it's good enough for me! -% -Ginsberg's Theorem: - (1) You can't win. - (2) You can't break even. - (3) You can't even quit the game. - -Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: - Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem - meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's - Theorem. To wit: - - (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. - (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. - (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. -% -Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place -to stand, and I will drain the world. -% -Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. - -- Napoleon -% -Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! -% -Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to -a new town. -% -Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. -% -Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying -around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. - -- Eric Clapton -% -Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: -Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP -machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: - Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the -probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some -useful work done. -% -Gnagloot, n.: - A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to -impress people. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Go 'way! You're bothering me! -% -Go climb a gravity well! -% -Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may -be in owning a piece thereof. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH -% -God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six -days and then pulled an all-nighter. -% -God doesn't play dice. - -- Albert Einstein -% -"God gives burdens; also shoulders" - -Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the -end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I -can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why -would he lie about a thing like that? - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... -The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do -not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman -... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on -smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and -water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in -the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at -night! - -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher -% -God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. -% -God is a polytheist. -% -God is Dead - -- Nietzsche -Nietzsche is Dead - -- God -Nietzsche is God - -- The Dead -% -God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's -% -God is real, unless declared integer. -% -God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the -elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying -other things. - -- Pablo Picasso -% -God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - -- Alfred Jarry -% -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% -God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. -% -God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - -- Mark Twain -% -God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - -- Kronecker -% -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% -God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. - -- Albert Einstein -% -God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. -% -God rest ye CS students now, -Let nothing you dismay. -The VAX is down and won't be up, -Until the first of May. -The program that was due this morn, -Won't be postponed, they say. - - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, - Comfort and joy, - Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. - -The bearings on the drum are gone, -The disk is wobbling, too. -We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol -Can't tell false from true. -And now we find that we can't get -At Berkeley's 4.2. - - (chorus) -% -Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to -school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a -person a car. -% -Gold, n.: - A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It -is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who -immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold -hasn't done anything to them. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Goldenstern's Rules: - (1) Always hire a rich attorney. - (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. -% -Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad -example. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% -Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. -% -Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. -% -Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. -% -Good day to let down old friends who need help. -% -Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. -% -Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. -% -Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. -% -Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's -new lover. -% -Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - -- George Saunders' dying words -% -Gordon's first law: - If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing -well. -% -Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with -time travel, you never can tell. - -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" -% -Got Mole problems? -Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 -% -Goto, n.: - A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers -to complain about unstructured programmers. - -- Ray Simard -% -Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. - -- John Updike, "Couples" -% -Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are -different lies. -% -Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know -any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he -doesn't know much. - -- Will Rogers -% -Grabel's Law: - 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. -% -Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. -% -Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. -% -Grandpa Charnock's Law: - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. -% -Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. -% -Gray's Law of Programming: - `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same -time as `_n' tasks. - -Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: - `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. -% -Great minds run in great circles. -% - GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 - -On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- -Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them -off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I -wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his -mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a -tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men -stood lookout. -% -Green light in A.M. for new projects. -Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. -% -Greener's Law: - Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. -% -Grelb's Reminder: - Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above -average drivers. -% -Grub first, then ethics. - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -Gurmlish, n.: - The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which -prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his -mouth. - -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" -% -Gyroscope, n.: - A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also -free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each -other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two -mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the -other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus -offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any -torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. - -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary -% -H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. -Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. - -- Maxwell Bodenheim -% -H. L. Mencken's Law: - Those who can -- do. - Those who can't -- teach. - -Martin's Extension: - Those who cannot teach -- administrate. -% -H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, - Slice him up before he slays you. - Nothing makes you look a slob - Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Hacker's Law: - The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a -nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. -% -Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. -% -Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, -and you would not have been informed. -% -Hail to the sun god -He sure is a fun god -Ra! Ra! Ra! -% -Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big -enough majority in any town? - -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" -% -Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) -% -Half-done: - This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still -crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference -between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like -the difference between life and death. - You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill -there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the -airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough -Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on -Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk -about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the -man, "Let me have a nice half-done." - Worth the trouble, wasn't it? - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Hall's Laws of Politics: - (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. - (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something - fixed. - (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend - military spending, and conservatives social spending in - their own districts). -% -Hand, n.: - A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and -commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Hanlon's Razor: - Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by -stupidity. -% -Hanson's Treatment of Time: - There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days -before Saturday. -% -Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - -- Oscar Levant -% -Happiness, n.: - An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of -another. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? -% -Hardware, n.: - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -% -Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand -convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. - -- Tobias Smollet -% -Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark -The Duke is fond of kittens -He likes to take their insides out -And use them for his mittens - From "The Thirteen Clocks" -% -Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, -Advertising wondrous things. - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Harris's Lament: - All the good ones are taken. -% -Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: - Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment -ruined. -% -Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he -makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean -famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses -probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you -have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like -enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their -attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock -down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, -just like Richard Nixon." - -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" -% -Hartley's First Law: - You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float -on his back, you've got something. -% -Hartley's Second Law: - Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -% -Harvard Law: - Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, -temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will -do as it damn well pleases. -% -"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" -"Yes, I don't have one." -"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." - -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 -% -Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are -typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter -keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use -of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is -not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. -% - Has your family tried 'em? - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! - - They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the - strength to get up and do what needs to be done. - - POWDERMILK BISCUITS - - Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the - biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains - that indicate freshness. -% -Hatred, n.: - A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's -superiority. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Have an adequate day. -% -Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is -to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a -non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? - -Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This -still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or -only serves to blunt the warning signs. - - Long live the revolution! - Have a nice day. -% -Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell -you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time -for play? -% -Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, -I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container -filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite -sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in -their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or -mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why -they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -"Have you lived here all your life?" -"Oh, twice that long." -% -Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a -crack in your sidewalk? -% -Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline -sharply the minute they start waving guns around? - -- Dr. Who -% -Have you reconsidered a computer career? -% -He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental -effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable -perversion. - -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" -% -He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. - -- Stephen Leacock -% -He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation -perfectly delightful. - -- Sydney Smith -% -He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and -heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope -of ever behaving "normally." - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" -% -He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -He is now rising from affluence to poverty. - -- Mark Twain -% -He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. -% -He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - -- John Mason Brown, drama critic -% -He thought he saw an albatross -That fluttered 'round the lamp. -He looked again and saw it was -A penny postage stamp. -"You'd best be getting home," he said, -"The nights are rather damp." -% -He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. - -- Jonathan Swift -% -He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable. -% -He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -% -He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry -attacks democracy itself. - -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS -% -He who Laughs, Lasts. -% -He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ... -% -He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be -there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. -% -He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... -% -HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. -SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. - -- Walt Kelley -% -Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. -% -Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying -of nothing. - -- Redd Foxx -% -Heaven, n.: - A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of -their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you -expound your own. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Heavy, adj.: - Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. -% -Heisenberg may have slept here. -% -Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - -- Milton Friedman -% -Heller's Law: - The first myth of management is that it exists. - -Johnson's Corollary: - Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the -organization. -% -"Hello," he lied. - -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent -% -Help a swallow land at Capistrano. -% -Help fight continental drift. -% -Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! -% -Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. -% -Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! -% -HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! - -- E. E. CUMMINGS -% -Her locks an ancient lady gave -Her loving husband's life to save; -And men -- they honored so the dame -- -Upon some stars bestowed her name. - -But to our modern married fair, -Who'd give their lords to save their hair, -No stellar recognition's given. -There are not stars enough in heaven. -% -Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from -Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... -% -Here I sit, broken-hearted, -All logged in, but work unstarted. -First net.this and net.that, -And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. - -The boss comes by, and I play the game, -Then I turn back to net.flame. -Is there a cure (I need your views), -For someone trapped in net.news? - -I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, -'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. -% -Here in my heart, I am Helen; - I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. -I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; - I'm Salome, moon of the East. - -Here in my soul I am Sappho; - Lady Hamilton am I, as well. -In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, - With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. - -I'm all of the glamorous ladies - At whose beckoning history shook. -But you are a man, and see only my pan, - So I stay at home with a book. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical -lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach -your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. -Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in -pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, -but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an -important electrical lesson. - -It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed -your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small -objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will -attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and -collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your -friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the -carpet, thus completing the circuit. - -Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without -touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your -finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you -have carpeting. - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% - Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the -month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people -are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. - The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either -(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax -tadpole". - Bite the wax tadpole. - There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? - The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's -hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to -bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, -but broad satiric vistas do not open up. - -- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle -% -Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like -`Psychic Wins Lottery'? - -- Jay Leno -% -Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, -then they'd be algorithms. -% -Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! - -- W. C. Fields -% -Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person -reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, -nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. -% -"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. -As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of -equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. -Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you -probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of -course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my -experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out -of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. - -"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our -motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" - -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" -% -Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; -Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. -Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws -Weil es uns duenkt, er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; - We buried him today because - As far as we can tell, he's dead. - -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue - Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; - "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele -% -Higgledy Piggledy, -Hamlet of Elsinore -Ruffled the critics by -Dropping this bomb: -"Phooey on Freud and his -Psychoanalysis -- -Oedipus, Shmoedipus, -I just loved Mom." -% -Hindsight is an exact science. -% -Hippogriff, n.: - An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. -The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. -The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which -is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full -of surprises. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Hire the morally handicapped. -% -His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had -money, he went to Southern California. -% -His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. -% -History is curious stuff - You'd think by now we had enough -Yet the fact remains I fear - They make more of it every year. -% -History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. -% -History, n.: - Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we -learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from -what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long -view. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% -Hlade's Law: - If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they -will find an easier way to do it. -% -Hoare's Law of Large Problems: - Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. -% -Hofstadter's Law: - It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take -Hofstadter's Law into account. -% -Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. - -- Rex Reed -% - Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's -willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop -for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say -"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home -centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas -trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise -because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every -object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... - Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the -broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has -a replacement. The employee, who has never in his life even seen the -inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the -same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at -an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of -these sometime around the middle of next week". - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: -The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. - -- Chris Shaw -% -Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. -% -Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - -- F. M. Hubbard -% -Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." -% -Honk if you love peace and quiet. -% -Honorable, adj.: - Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative -bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the -honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Horngren's Observation: - Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -% -Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on -people. - -- W. C. Fields -% -Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. -% -Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. - -- Neil Armstrong -% -How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? -% -How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? -% -How come wrong numbers are never busy? -% -How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. -% -How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - -- Elliot, "E.T." -% -How doth the little crocodile - Improve his shining tail, -And pour the waters of the Nile - On every golden scale! - -How cheerfully he seems to grin, - How neatly spreads his claws, -And welcomes little fishes in, - With gently smiling jaws! - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" -% -How doth the VAX's C compiler -Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it -Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run -And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all -Tear their clothes to rags. -% -How I love to watch the morn, - With golden sun that shines, -Up above to nicely warm - These frosty toes of mine. - -The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, - Like Jaspar wine and sugar, -It must have blown through someone's feet, - Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger. - -- P. Opus (Bloom County) -% -How doth the VAX's C-compiler -Improve its object code. -And even as we speak does it -Increase the system load. - -How patiently it seems to run -And spit out error flags, -While users, with frustration, all -Tear all their clothes to rags. -% -How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're -on. -% -How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -None: "We'll fix it in software." - -How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? -None: "We'll document it in the manual." - -How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? -None: "The user can work it out." -% -How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being -carried by a waiter at a nice party? - -Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors -d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell -what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then -say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it -back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another -cheese!" and so on. - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% - How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are -3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, -who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a -nanocentury. - -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs -% -How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey -% -How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. -% -HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: - #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. -% -Howe's Law: - Everyone has a scheme that will not work. -% -However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional -manner ... sulking and nausea. - -- Tom K. Ryan -% -HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., -motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate -amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. -The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the -Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the -bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on -the bill. Agreed to. - -- Albuquerque Journal -% - Hug O' War - -I will not play at tug o' war. -I'd rather play at hug o' war, -Where everyone hugs -Instead of tugs, -Where everyone giggles -And rolls on the rug, -Where everyone kisses, -And everyone grins, -And everyone cuddles, -And everyone wins. - -- Shel Silverstein -% -Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. -% -Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in -1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an -operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral -catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of -his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took -the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the -Nobel Prize. -% -Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. -% -Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. - -- William Gilbert -% -Hurewitz's Memory Principle: - The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional -to ..... to ........ uh .............. -% -I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a -professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any -other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. - -- Richard M. Nixon - -What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder -have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. -This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's -reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go -buy some more. - -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM -% -I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. -% -I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! - -- Paul McCracken -% -I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. - -- English Professor -% -I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the -great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - -- Winston Churchill -% -I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone -has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - -- English Professor, Ohio University -% -I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast -with an option to buy. -% -I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. -% -I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, -of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell -you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial -atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something -inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. - -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan -% -I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of -the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for -you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. - -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, - University of Tennessee at Knoxville -% -I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an -argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and -steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, -they don't even invite me. - -- Dave Barry -% -I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - -- Will Rogers -% -I bet the human brain is a kludge. - -- Marvin Minsky -% -I brake for chezlogs! -% -I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. - -- Biff Barf -% -I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan -prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very -bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after -relentless day. - -- Betty MacDonald -% -I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. -% -I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and -25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be -true. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -I can resist anything but temptation. -% -I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - -- Joe Walsh -% -I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. - -- Florence Henderson -% -I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can -understand it. - -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. -% -I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a -novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - -- Fred Allen -% -I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. - -- Lillian Hellman -% -I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate -of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... - -- F. H. Wales (1936) -% -I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. - -What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good -grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause -of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the -United States would have lost World War II." - -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" -% - "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a -quavering voice. - "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of -course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which -I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in -Elven-lore: - - "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, - Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. - Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, - This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. - The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. - The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. - If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. - If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights -instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is -standing still ... - -- Steven Wright -% -I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather -dance with the cows till you come home. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps -the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... - -- Peter Oakley -% -I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. -% -I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The -curtain was up. -% - I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because -we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently -leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, -in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had -time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the -library, we could call each other up: - - You: Hello? Bob? - Bob: Yes? - You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you - took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? - Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? - You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: - "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. - I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill - and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto - the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to - have to get back to you. - Bob: Fine. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an -exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to -minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary -accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a -mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the -bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always -different. - -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) -% -I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us -with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. - -- Galileo Galilei -% -I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians -don't believe in astrology. - -- James R. F. Quirk -% -I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just -a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more -numbers!! -% -I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of -a frog jumping on my Breakfast. - -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the -nominating. - -- Boss Tweed -% -I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of -people waiting to abuse me. - -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" -% -I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - -- Elvis Presley -% - "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said - Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- -till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for -you!'" - "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice -objected. - "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful -tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor -less." - "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean -so many different things." - "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- -that's all." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd -eat it, and I just hate it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. - -- Ronald Mabbitt -% -I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the -streets and frighten the horses. - -- Victor Hugo -% -I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? -% -"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. -% -I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other -hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. -% -I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that -the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is -thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists -broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. -Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off -their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... - -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE - COMING!" -% -I doubt, therefore I might be. -% -I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business -on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment -he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual -becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -I drink to make other people interesting. - -- George Jean Nathan -% -I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, -so I woke up from sheer boredom. -% -I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the -accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For -the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that -can't be measured in monetary terms. - -Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have -that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by -subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should -someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly -understand his long delay. -% -I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. -% -I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very -reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. - -- Gautama Buddha -% -I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 -minutes of my life! -% -I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - -- Mae West -% -I get up each morning, gather my wits. - Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. - So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. -% -I get up each morning, gather my wits. -Pick up the paper, read the obits. -If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. -So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. - -Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? -My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. -But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, -And think of the places my get-up has been. - -- Pete Seeger -% -I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella -in the world. - -- Peter da Silva -% -I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler -Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! - -- Mary Lou Bax -% -I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. -% -I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means -it's going to be up all night. - -- Steven Wright -% -I hate quotations. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -I have a simple philosophy: - - Fill what's empty. - Empty what's full. - Scratch where it itches. - -- A. R. Longworth -% -I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it -any time! -% -I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, -which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth -and they never believe me. - -- Camillo Di Cavour -% -I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. - -- Edgar Allan Poe -% -I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You -sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an -eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I -have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of -beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a -guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more -of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. - -- President Harry S. Truman -% -I have learned -To spell hors d'oeuvres -Which still grates on -Some people's n'oeuvres. - -- Warren Knox -% -I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming -that I have never made one. - -- James Gordon Bennett -% -I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to -make it shorter. - -- Blaise Pascal -% -I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole -____BODY! - -- from "Cerebus" #82 -% -I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it -scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... - -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 -% -I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking -his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell -beating up a child. - -- Steven Wright -% -I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked -at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - -- Poul Anderson -% -I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. -% -I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. -% -I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! -% -I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - -- Bill Hoest -% -I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. -% -I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World -War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - -- Albert Einstein -% -I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! -The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. - -- Charles Schulz -% -I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. - -- Art Leo -% -I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to -promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want -peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of -the way and let them have it. - -- Dwight D. Eisenhower -% -I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. -% -I like your game but we have to change the rules. -% -I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what -entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. - -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson -% -"I love to eat them Smurfies - Smurfies what I love to eat - Bite they ugly heads off, - Nibble on they bluish feet." -% -I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but -don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the -speed of light. - -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk -% -I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - -- Ashleigh Brilliant -% -I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a -week sometimes to make it up. - -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" -% -I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts -% -I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do -was to go away. -% -I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. -% -I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! - -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) -% -I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the -kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled -substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no -restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we -made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given -powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative -nerve disease. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! -% -I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. - -- William F. Buckley -% - "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of -that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put -more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it -might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not -otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be -otherwise.'" - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" -% -I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that -the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional -congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile -so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the -plumber. - -But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such -as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of -the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never -win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually -write about, such as nose-picking. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -I really hate this damned machine -I wish that they would sell it. -It never does quite what I want -But only what I tell it. -% -I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -% -I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope -they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. - -- Will Rogers -% -I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, -I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. -Bernoulli would have been content to die -Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -I sent a letter to the fish, -I told them, "This is what I wish." -The little fishes of the sea, -They sent an answer back to me. -The little fishes' answer was -"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." -I sent a letter back to say -It would be better to obey. -But someone came to me and said -"The little fishes are in bed." -I said to him, and I said it plain -"Then you must wake them up again." -I said it very loud and clear, -I went and shouted in his ear. -But he was very stiff and proud, -He said "You needn't shout so loud." -And he was very proud and stiff, -He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." -I took a kettle from the shelf, -I went to wake them up myself. -But when I found the door was locked -I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, -And when I found the door was shut, -I tried to turn the handle, But ... - - "Is that all?" asked Alice. - "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. - -- Graffito in Los Angeles -% -"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was -supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which -actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." - -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning - Points in l'Amour" -% -I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full -house and four people died. - -- Steven Wright -% -I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to -see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - -- Shirley Temple -% -I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do -too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which -direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After -much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot -tub to face is up. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 -because I couldn't remember the proof. - -- Baker, Pure Math 351a -% -I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. -% -I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick -and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this -country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people -in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly -not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. - -- Monty Python -% -I think that I shall never see -A billboard lovely as a tree. -Perhaps, unless the billboards fall -I'll never see a tree at all. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I think that I shall never see -A thing as lovely as a tree. -But as you see the trees have gone -They went this morning with the dawn. -A logging firm from out of town -Came and chopped the trees all down. -But I will trick those dirty skunks -And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. -% -I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple -to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the -farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light -into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from -the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing -off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the -color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on -out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars -singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. - -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club -% -I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown -... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think -we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. -When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we -are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was -driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa -Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, -were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous -conversation ... - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -"I thought you were trying to get into shape." -"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." -% - ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a -pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! - -- Winston Churchill -% -I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in -twenty minutes. It's about Russia. - -- Woody Allen -% -I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. -% -I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. -% -I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my -body. Then I realized who was telling me this. - -- Emo Phillips -% -I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere -near the place. - -- Steven Wright -% -I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to -animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for -anything connected with society except that which makes the roads -safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women -warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. - -- Brendan Behan -% -I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. -Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE -HAW"!!' - -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" -% -I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know -anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is -a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows -up. - -- Will Rogers -% -I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I -put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured -what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I -should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to -get off my driveway. - -- Steven Wright -% -I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I -didn't know. - -- Mark Twain -% -I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending -their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to -buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. - -- Emile Henry Gauvreay -% -I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full -house and four people died. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained -it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass -stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. -I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be -absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had -developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. -Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's -temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I -chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to -the point where it would not run at all. - -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black - Holes and the Fate of Stars" -% -I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any -questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the -speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? - -He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work -for him then. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in -the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't -included. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the -statues that are in all the other museums. - -- Steven Wright -% -I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that -it took seven others to beat him! -% -I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. -There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. - -- Gallagher -% -I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've -always worked for me. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got -to undo it. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.' -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from -Julian to Gregorian. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for -static cling. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my -cottage cheese sculpture. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. -% -I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that -need worrying about. -% -I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -% -I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, -carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, -I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. - -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H -% -I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd -listen to it! - -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire -% -I'll grant thee random access to my heart, -Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; -And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove -And in our bound partition never part. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. -That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. - -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] -% -I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. -% -I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! -% -I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. -% -I'm changing my name to Chrysler -I'm going down to Washington, D.C. -I'll tell some power broker - What they did for Iacocca -Will be perfectly acceptable to me! -I'm changing my name to Chrysler, -I'm heading for that great receiving line. -When they hand a million grand out, - I'll be standing with my hand out, -Yessir, I'll get mine! - -- Tom Paxton -% -I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. -% -I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to -die in. - -- George McGovern -% -I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. - -- Fred Allen -% -I'm going to live forever, or die trying! - -- Spider Robinson -% -... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a -KOSHER DELI!! -% -I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate -% -I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be -living apart. - -- e. e. cummings -% -I'm N-ary the tree, I am, -N-ary the tree, I am, I am. -I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, -She's traversed me seven times before. -And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) -Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) -I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. -N-ary the tree I am, I am, -N-ary the tree I am. -% -I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. -It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. -% -I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. -% -I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. - -- Arthur Godfrey -% -I'm rated PG-34!! -% -I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL -soon ... -% -I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it -(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. - -- English Professor, Providence College -% -I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, -I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; -In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, -I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" -% -I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives -% -I've built a better model than the one at Data General -For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral -My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; -My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. -My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, -You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; -There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; -My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. - -I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: -There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, -Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral -I've built a better model than the one at Data General. - - -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of - "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", - by Gilbert & Sullivan) -% -I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. -% -I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was -this little hole in the bottom ... - -- John Croll -% -I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. -% -I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - -- Groucho Marx -% -I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes -on the same day. -% -I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. -% -I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. - -- Senator Claghorn -% -I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. -I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. -All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. -Time to die... - -- Peter Gutmann -% -I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; -And from that full meridian of my glory -I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, -Like a bright exhalation in the evening -And no man see me more. - -- William Shakespeare -% -IBM had a PL/I, - Its syntax worse than JOSS; -And everywhere this language went, - It was a total loss. -% -Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box -of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. -% -Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like -solitary confinement. -% -Idiot Box, n.: - The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the -stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Idiot, n.: - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human -affairs has always been dominant and controlling. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape -at about 30 miles/second. - -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming -% -If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. - -- Roy Santoro -% -If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. - -- Paul White -% -If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus -forecast is a camel's behind. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y -is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 -passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. - -- T. Cheatham -% -If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four -hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where -it votes guilty. - -- Joseph C. Goulden -% -If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake -him up. -% -If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. -% -If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have -dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to -maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it -must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. - -- Donald A. Metz -% -If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good -attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to -playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- -unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager -can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? - -- Sparky Anderson -% -If all be true that I do think, -There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; -Good friends, good wine, or being dry, -Or lest we should be by-and-by, -Or any other reason why. -% -If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular -error. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot -platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave -that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. -% -If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - -- Paul Beatty -% -If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a -conclusion. - -- William Baumol -% -If an S and an I and an O and a U -With an X at the end spell Su; -And an E and a Y and an E spell I, -Pray what is a speller to do? -Then, if also an S and an I and a G -And an HED spell side, -There's nothing much left for a speller to do -But to go commit siouxeyesighed. - -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" -% -If anything can go wrong, it will. -% -If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. -% -If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. -% -If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four -tellers? -% -If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? -% -If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? -% -If everybody minded their own business, the world would go -around a deal faster. - -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. -% -... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with -the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls -asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three -to a can. -% -If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. -% -If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. -% -If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. -% -If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. -% -If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with -green, baggy skin. -% -If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. -% -If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to -invent it. -% -If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger -hands. -% -If God is dead, who will save the Queen? -% -If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? -% -If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. - -- Yiddish saying -% -If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? - -- Marvin Kitman -% -If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be -replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! -% -If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -If I don't drive around the park, -I'm pretty sure to make my mark. -If I'm in bed each night by ten, -I may get back my looks again. -If I abstain from fun and such, -I'll probably amount to much; -But I shall stay the way I am, -Because I do not give a damn. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. -% -If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the -plantation and go home. - -- Eugene P. Gallagher -% -If I had any humility I would be perfect. - -- Ted Turner -% -If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the -shoulders of giants. - -- Isaac Newton - -In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side -with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. - -- Gerald Holton - -If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing -on my shoulders. - -- Hal Abelson - -In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - -- Brian K. Reid -% -If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. - -On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is -also a psychological interaction. - -The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so -friendly. - -The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -If I traveled to the end of the rainbow -As Dame Fortune did intend, -Murphy would be there to tell me -The pot's at the other end. - -- Bert Whitney -% -If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? -% -If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. -% -If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. -They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun -of it. - -- Thomas Carlyle -% -If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they -forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll -just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. -And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* -pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! -And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and -think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to -receive Net Mail ... - -- Leith (Casey) Leedom -% -If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. -% -If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - -- Tom Robbins -% -If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women -you've got in the house. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by -the page number. -% -If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. -% -If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think -little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and -Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. - -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) -% -If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. - -- Albert Einstein -% -If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit -in my name at a Swiss bank. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. -% -If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without -having to accomplish anything. -% -If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, -he should see how bad it is with representation. -% -If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of -arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the -physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker -entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. - -- Vannevar Bush -% -If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied -harder. - -- Pope John Paul I -% -If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. - -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 -% -If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would -presumably flunk it. - -- Stanley Garn -% -If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - -- Norm Schryer -% -If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to -get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. -See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving -the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting -that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The -college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious -and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to -rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. -Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure -interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by -opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for -himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for -boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! - -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) -% -If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances -are 50-50 it will. -% -If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. -If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. -If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance -will exceed all expectations. - -- Reverend Chichester -% -If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. -% -If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that -will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. -% -If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - -- Art Hoppe -% -If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make -something out of you. - -- Muhammad Ali -% -If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. -% -If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. -% -If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? -% -If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was -yesterday? -% -If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is -doing the thinking. - -- Lyndon Baines Johnson -% -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - -- Laurence J. Peter -% -If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely -% -If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. -% -If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel -in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary -qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. - -- Marguerite Emmons -% -If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? - -- Ann Edwards-Duff -% -If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - -- J. Paul Getty -% -If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. -% -If you can read this, you're too close. -% -If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. -% -If you can't be good, be careful. -If you can't be careful, give me a call. -% -If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -% -If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - -- Harry S. Truman -% -If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? -% -If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. -% -If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. - -- Clarence Day -% -If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. - -- Freeman Dyson -% -If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little -Lavoris in the toilet. - -- Jay Leno -% -If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to -either of you for the rest of the day. -% -If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to -have to get a toehold in the public eye. -% -If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody -will. -% -If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it -will always do it. - -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin -% -If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is -make the rubble bounce. - -- Winston Churchill -% -If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. -% -If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. -% -If you have to hate, hate gently. -% -If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to -boot yourself in the posterior. - -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" -% -If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. -% -If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - -- Graham Summer -% -If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few -people die past the age of a hundred. - -- George Burns -% -If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; -but if you really make them think they'll hate you. -% -If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - -- Maslow -% -If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure -can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly -develop. -% -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite -you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - -- Mark Twain -% -If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, -you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get -ice, but no cup. -% -If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But -this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is -somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. -% -If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're -the sucker. -% -If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. -% -If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard -% -If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens -tomorrow! -% -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car -payments. - -- Earl Wilson -% -If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you -don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. - -- Bruce Schneier -% -If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. - -- Arthur Kasspe -% -If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest -shopping center in the world? - -- Richard M. Nixon -% -If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would -be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call -you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw -another party next year. - -What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up -several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've -been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to -avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning -parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from -having another one ... - -If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless -your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas -through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure -that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting -someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... - -- Dave Barry -% -If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them -end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. - -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" -% -If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. - -- A. L. -% -If you want divine justice, die. - -- Nick Seldon -% -If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people -he gave it to. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the -Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's -statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington -telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with -titles beginning with the word "National". - -- George Will -% -If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every -word you say, talk in your sleep. -% -If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some -memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, -even if they don't know what it means. - -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" -% -If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. -% -If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for -tomorrow morning, sleep late. - -- Henny Youngman -% -If you're happy, you're successful. -% - If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs -around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace -explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The -"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and -deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the -better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random -with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives -you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a -successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. - And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. -You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How -difficult can it be?" - Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, -which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying -other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up -yourself for far less money. This article can help you. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -% -If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? -% -If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it -off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? -% -If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Ignisecond, n.: - The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car -door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux - Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, -Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, - Et le m^omerade horgrave. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -Iles's Law: - There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly -at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. -Neither will Iles. -% -Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the -land He's trying to ignore. -% -Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - -- Jules de Gaultier -% -Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the -usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody -thinks of complaining. - -- Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal -% -Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has -a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk -storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on -voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. -What's the first question that the computer community asks? - -"Is it PC compatible?" -% -Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. - -- Jack Paar -% -Immortality -- a fate worse than death. - -- Edgar A. Shoaff -% -Impartial, adj.: - Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from -espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two -conflicting opinions. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the -mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the -Boss is reading it. -% -Impossible, adj.: - (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; - (2) I can't be bothered; - (3) God can't be bothered. -Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. - -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" -% -In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of -stairs. -% -In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. -% -In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't -get parts. -% -In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The -creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. -% -In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred -syrup. -% -In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only -we can't control when the five year period will begin. -% - In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, -junior, what are you up to?" - "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the -rabbit. - "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" - "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the -rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied -expression on his face. - Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" - "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits -devour wolves." - "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" - "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes -out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. -Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody -should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting -next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. - -The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- -it's your PhD advisor that really counts. -% -In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" -Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. - -- Frank Mankiewicz -% -In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, -"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." - -- Mark Twain -% -In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground -with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call -this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. -% -In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so -sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All -those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the -devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up -as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one -of the risks he takes. - -- Adlai Stevenson -% -In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own -incompetency - -- The Peter Principle -% -In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) -are to be treated as variables. -% -In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of -nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. - -- Stuart Keate -% -In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own -at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. -% -In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. -% -In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools -will be temporarily canceled. -% -In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and -make it better. -% -In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle -a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order -to get her attention. -% -In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride -in any motor vehicle. -% -In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. - -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery -% -In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door -neighbor. -% -In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. -% -In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last -resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but -inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our -programming languages. -% -In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on -the sidewalks when a concert is on. -% -In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come -into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish -between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which -will only make it mushy. - -- Mark Twain -% -In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your -pocket. -% -In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any -pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while -either flying or waiting to board a plane. -% -In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless -there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red -flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. -% -In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as -to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the -speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. -% -In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the -universe. - -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos -% -In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, -intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from -the cares of office. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds -and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. -% -In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying -of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public -view." -% -In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space -Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. -Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, -We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that -is over six feet in length. -% -In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. -% -In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. -% -In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a -moving automobile. -% -[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You -could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense -that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... - -And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory -over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we -didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no -point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; -we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... - -So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in -Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost -___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and -rolled back. - -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -In the beginning was the word. -But by the time the second word was added to it, -there was trouble. -For with it came syntax ... - -- John Simon -% -In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat -hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am -training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the -net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any -preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you -close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be -empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. -% -In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in -the proper order then why can't he? -% -In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful -Dead. - -- Egyptian Book of the Dead -% -In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. - -- Alan Perlis -% -In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or -a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it -to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by -forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you -stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit -punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong -enough to punch you. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has -shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the -Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million -three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years -from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. -... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such -wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of -fact. - -- Mark Twain -% -In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to -drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at -discotheques. - -- Art Linkletter -% -In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take -my advice. - -- Winston Churchill -% -In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without -the supervision of a licensed engineer. -% -In West Union, Ohio, no married man can go flying without his spouse -along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. -% -Incumbent, n.: - Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves -smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is -not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. - -- Stephen Crane -% -Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% -Individualists unite! -% -Infancy, n.: - The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven -lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon -afterward. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Information Center, n.: - A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is -to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. -% -Ingrate, n.: - A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of -indigestion. -% -Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. - -- Martin Luther King, Jr. -% -Ink, n.: - A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and -water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote -intellectual crime. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Innovation is hard to schedule. - -- Dan Fylstra -% -Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. -% -Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the -salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. -% -Interpreter, n.: - One who enables two persons of different languages to -understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to -the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. -% -I/O, I/O, -It's off to disk I go, -A bit or byte to read or write, -I/O, I/O, I/O -% - INVENTORY -Four be the things I am wiser to know: -Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. - -Four be the things I'd been better without: -Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. - -Three be the things I shall never attain: -Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. - -Three be the things I shall have till I die: -Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. -% -Iron Law of Distribution: - Them that has, gets. -% -Irrationality is the square root of all evil - -- Douglas Hofstadter -% -Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is -meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a -soap bubble? -% -Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the -beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get -out, and such as are out wish to get in? - -- Ralph Emerson -% -Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! -% -Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction -listen to weather forecasts and economists? - -- Kelvin Throop III -% -Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune -tellers take economists seriously? -% -Issawi's Laws of Progress: - - The Course of Progress: - Most things get steadily worse. - - The Path of Progress: - A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -% -It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working -as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he -had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, -"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed -Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival -came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer -this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the -Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. -To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's -your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, -"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" -% -It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown -came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and -applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I -think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the -wits, who believe that it is a joke. - -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) -% -It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is -thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have -drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself -that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that -one can learn." - -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman -% -It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have -been searching for evidence which could support this. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. -% -It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to -program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in -organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be -self-critical? - -- Alan Perlis -% -It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of -Urbana, Illinois. -% -It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will -not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves -and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like -mature human beings ... - -- Playboy, January 1983 -% -It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a -pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the -sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. - -- Voltaire -% -It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what -they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always -assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had -achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst -all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having -a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that -they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same -reasons. - -Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending -destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert -mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were -misinterpreted ... - - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be -coming up it. - -- Henry Allen -% -It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? -One in a million, perhaps. -% -It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark -% -It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three -benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never -to use either. - -- Mark Twain -% -It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both -incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by -twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - -- Rod Serling -% -It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is -lightly greased. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its -proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community -a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to -treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the -focus of attention, the harder the task. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. -% -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -% -It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. -% -It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because -if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of -people. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood -Boulevard at one time. -% -It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. -% -It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry -a tune. - -- Woody Allen -% -It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so -ingenious. -% -It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not -desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - -- Woody Allen -% -It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our -offense consists in doubting it. - -- Justice Robert H. Jackson -% -It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the -problem. -% -It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be -privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to -corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. - -- Gore Vidal -% -It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one -damn thing over and over. - -- Edna St. Vincent Millay -% -It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? - -- Elizabeth Carpenter -% -It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. -% -It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that -virginity could be a virtue. - -- Voltaire -% -It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their -dignity. -% -It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared -to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. - -- Havelock Ellis -% -It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to -students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential -programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of -regeneration. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the -lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as -high as the eagle? -% -It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a -statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more -glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through -which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the -day, that is the highest of arts. - -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" -% -It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad -crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed -until the other has gone. -% -It is the business of little minds to shrink. - -- Carl Sandburg -% -It is the business of the future to be dangerous. - -- Hawkwind -% -It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for -five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But -it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. -% -It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the -future. -% -It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. -% -It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too -good either if you speak when your head is empty. -% -It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a -warning to others. -% -It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory - -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 -% -It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the -flag. -% -It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the -municipality. - -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio -% -It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, -but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. - -- Robert Benchly -% -It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. -% -It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot. -% -It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a -breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was -broken ... - -- James Dent -% -It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps -I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I -don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and -the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual -charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its -novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but -yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable -man a lifetime. - -- Thomas Aldrich -% - It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east -laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The -thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, -nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying -for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. - Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating -under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting -icepacks. - -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like -the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. -% -It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on -the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. -% -It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human -nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant -examples. - -- Charles Dickens -% -It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing -warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or -two things still safe to eat. - -- Robert Fuoss -% -It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. - -- Andrew Jackson -% -It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. - -- Cheers -% -It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. -% -It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - -- Steven Wright -% -"It's a summons." -"What's a summons?" -"It means summon's in trouble." - -- Rocky and Bullwinkle -% -It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. - -- Churchy La Femme -% -It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. -% -It's bad luck to be superstitious. - -- Andrew W. Mathis -% -It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. - -- Marty Winch -% -"It's easier said than done." - -... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than -said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than -said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than -done". -% -It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -% -It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for -being right. -% -It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! - -- Macy's -% -It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. -% -It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it -is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It -isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" -% -It's just a jump to the left - And then a step to the right. -Put your hands on your hips - And pull your knees in tight. -But it's the pelvic thrust - That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! - - LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! - - -- Rocky Horror Picture Show -% -It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - -- Walt Disney -% -"It's Like This" - -Even the samurai -have teddy bears, -and even the teddy bears -get drunk. -% -It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong -direction. -% -It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. -% -It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. - -- Sam Goldwyn -% -It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how -to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. - -- George Burns -% -It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - -- Phil White -% -It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. - -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston -% -It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. - -- Alexander Korda -% -It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. - -- Cal Keegan -% -It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's -what you're taking for it... -% -It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off -the ground. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it -happens. - -- Woody Allen -% -It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. - -- Garfield -% -It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that -English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many -other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. - -- Sydney J. Harris -% -It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... -% -It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. -% -It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the -Devil when he is the only explanation of it. -% -It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which -raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody -not to. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -It's the thought, if any, that counts! -% - JACK AND THE BEANSTACK - by Mark Isaak - - Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL -character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their -hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices -are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some -BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it -to him. - So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, -he met the traveling salesman. - "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman -in high-level language. - "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips -and Apples," commented Jack. - "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue -there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." - Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when -he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she -started thrashing. - "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these -kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the -window ... -% -Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: - No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the -legislature is in session. -% -James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total -indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. - -- Tom Stoppard -% -Jenkinson's Law: - It won't work. -% -Jesus Saves, -Moses Invests, -But only Buddha pays Dividends. -% -Job Placement, n.: - Telling your boss what he can do with your job. -% -Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! -% -Johnson's First Law: - When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the -most inconvenient possible time. -% -Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called -"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do -anything loses. -% -Join the march to save individuality! -% -Jone's Law: - The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone -to blame it on. -% -Jone's Motto: - Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. -% -Jones's First Law: - Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of -endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction -to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their -original contribution. -% -Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac -(and nobody cares about it). - -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 -% -Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good -solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires -one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the -winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is -because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise -mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political -motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the -whole truth. - -- Stephen R. Schwambach -% -Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has -changed. - -- Irene Peter -% -Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. -% -Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he -knows what it is. -% -Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you -get a prompt, type like hell. -% -Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't -immune to bullets. - -- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who" -% -Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some -of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? - -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US -% -Just remember, it all started with a mouse. - -- Walt Disney -% -Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to -twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! -% -`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, - As he landed his crew with care; -Supporting each man on the top of the tide - By a finger entwined in his hair. - -'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: - That alone should encourage the crew. -Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: - What I tell you three times is true.' -% -Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a -faster rat!!! -% -Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! - -- Michael J. Wagner -% -Justice is incidental to law and order. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -Justice, n.: - A decision in your favor. -% -K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; - Cobol's wordy and confining; - KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; - Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to -wear tail lights. -% -Katz' Law: - Man and nations will act rationally when all other -possibilities have been exhausted. -% -Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. -% -Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze - - Hellman's Mayonnaise -% -Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. -% -Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. -% -Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: - (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc - straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this - force is technically termed "car suck"). - (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive - than "Watch this!" -% -Keep your Eye on the Ball, -Your Shoulder to the Wheel, -Your Nose to the Grindstone, -Your Feet on the Ground, -Your Head on your Shoulders. -Now ... try to get something DONE! -% -Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most -automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the -numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the -driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the -dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know -what's wrong." -% -Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: - Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, -and parking for the faculty. -% -Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could -travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the -original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate -teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for -grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate -teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. - -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" -% -Kin, n.: - An affliction of the blood. -% -Kinkler's First Law: - Responsibility always exceeds authority. - -Kinkler's Second Law: - All the easy problems have been solved. -% -Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. -% -Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through -any of its streets. -% -Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. -% -Kiss your keyboard goodbye! -% -Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. -% -Kleptomaniac, n.: - A rich thief. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. -% -Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - -- Henry N. Camp -% -Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): - The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Labor, n.: - One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Lackland's Laws: - (1) Never be first. - (2) Never be last. - (3) Never volunteer for anything -% -Lactomangulation, n.: - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly -that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Ladybug, ladybug, -Look to your stern! -Your house is on fire, -Your children will burn! -So jump ye and sing, for -The very first time -The four lines above -Have been put into rhyme. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Laetrile is the pits -% -Langsam's Laws: - (1) Everything depends. - (2) Nothing is always. - (3) Everything is sometimes. -% -Larkinson's Law: - All laws are basically false. -% -Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with -was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting -pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the -farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their -sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do -you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? -What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead -of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under -the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops -whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which -Lassie filed the applications for. - -- Dave Barry -% -Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment -had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to -my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' - -- Steven Wright -% -Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police -record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense -of humor. -% -Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. -% -Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. -% -Laughter is the closest distance between two people." - -- Victor Borge -% -Law of Communications: - The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications -between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of -misunderstanding. -% -Law of Probable Dispersal: - Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly -distributed. -% -Law of Selective Gravity: - An object will fall so as to do the most damage. - -Jenning's Corollary: - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is -directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. - -Law of the Perversity of Nature: - You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the -bread to butter. -% -Laws of Serendipity: - - (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for - something. - (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already - be engaged in making an inferior one. -% -Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: - No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- -approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. -% -Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. -% -Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and -everything else follows in the same way. - -- Alan J. Perlis -% -Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. -% -Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the -fun? -% -Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: - "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour -unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a -drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he -can." -% -Leibowitz's Rule: - When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you -hold the hammer with both hands. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are - pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike - honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people - are thieves. -% -LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) - Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. - Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because - you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of - fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got - a sick sense of humor. -% -Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. -% -Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a -number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash -and another number. - -- James Estes -% -Let us live!!! -Let us love!!! -Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! - -You first. -% -Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every -relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you -really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the -end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the -qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and -bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind -his back. - -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn -% -Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick -your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as -Mental Anguish. You would sue: - -* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions - section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand - into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls - in there". - -* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious - cretin like yourself. - -* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this - case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you - a large cash settlement anyway. - -- Dave Barry -% -Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often -overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of -dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your -tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to -spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe -money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will -probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? -It's not his money. - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) - -Dear Sir, - -I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or -to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in -public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result -in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn -will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed -agricultural industry. - -Yours faithfully, - Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. - Sevenoaks -% -Lewis's Law of Travel: - The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to -anyone, ever. -% -Liar, n.: - A lawyer with a roving commission. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. - -- Harry Emerson Fosdick -% -LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your - desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and - polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. -% -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with - reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. - Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most - Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal - disease. -% -Lie, n.: - A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one -discovered to date. -% -Lieberman's Law: - Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -% -Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. -% -Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. -% -Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to -eat it nevertheless. - -- Flaubert -% -Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. -% -Life is like a simile. -% -Life is like an analogy. -% -Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find -there is nothing in it. -% -Life is too important to take seriously. - -- Corky Siegel -% -Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of -which I disapprove. -% -Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. - -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie -% -Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it -weren't for other people. - -- Blore -% -Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -% -Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. - -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made -sense from things she found in gift shops. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking -for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - -- Alan McKay -% -Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. -% -Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe - we should think only about today. -Charlie Brown: - No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get - better. -% -Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. - -- Candice Bergen -% -Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip -around the Sun. -% -Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted -before. -% -Lizzie Borden took an axe, -And plunged it deep into the VAX; -Don't you envy people who -Do all the things ___YOU want to do? -% -Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these -interest rates, we don't need it." -% -Lobster: - Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are -squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the -only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to -eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial -before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most -ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime -in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its -unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of -the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, -"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a -memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe -at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. -Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, -too. - -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and - Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" -% -Lockwood's Long Shot: - The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't -one in a million, but once would be enough. -% -Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. -% -... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and -legally ... impeccable! -% -Logicians have but ill defined -As rational the human kind. -Logic, they say, belongs to man, -But let them prove it if they can. - -- Oliver Goldsmith -% -Look out! Behind you! -% -Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us -to pay income taxes, too? - -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox -% -Loose bits sink chips. -% -Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying -"BOOGA, BOOGA!" -% -Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. -% -Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in -Halstead, Kansas. -% -Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. -% -Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the -world has ever seen. -% -Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. - -- Sigmund Freud -% -Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it -flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - -- Matt Groening -% -Love is a word that is constantly heard, -Hate is a word that is not. -Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. -Love, I have read, is hot. -But hate is the verb that to me is superb, -And Love but a drug on the mart. -Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, -But Hating, my boy, is an Art. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with -the ideal never goes unpunished. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Love is sentimental measles. -% -Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. -% -Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. - -- Louise Beal -% -Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. -% - Love's Drug - -My love is like an iron wand - That conks me on the head, -My love is like the valium - That I take before my bed, -My love is like the pint of scotch - That I drink when I be dry; -And I shall love thee still, my dear, - Until my wife is wise. -% -Lowery's Law: - If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing -anyway. -% -LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. -% -Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: - There's always one more bug. -% -Lunatic Asylum, n.: - The place where optimism most flourishes. -% -Lysistrata had a good idea. -% -MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into -the smallest amount of thoughts. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Machine-Independent, adj.: - Does not run on any existing machine. -% -Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, -and play games -- but not with pleasure. - -- Leo Rosten -% -Mad, adj.: - Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them -first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - -- W. C. Fields -% -MAFIA, n: - [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance -Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore -subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is -rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy -reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP -operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that -MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped -variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex -security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a -more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an -imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES -options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. -Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a -powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and -entire nodal aggravations. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. - -Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. - -The two definition immediately preceding are condensed from the works -of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject -with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human -knowledge. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Magnocartic, adj.: - Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" -% -Magpie, n.: - A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it -might be taught to talk. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Maier's Law: - If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - -Corollaries: - (1) The bigger the theory, the better. - (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than - 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to - obtain a correspondence with the theory. -% -Main's Law: - For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. -% -Maintainer's Motto: - If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -% -Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly - as one man. - -Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. - -Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Majority, n.: - That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. -% -Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! -% -Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users -tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It -has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is -the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. - -- System V.2 administrator's guide -% -Malek's Law: - Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -% -Man 1: Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good - joke is. - -Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- - -Man 1: ______TIMING! -% -Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called -upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the -only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. - -- Mark Twain -% -Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the -victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) -% -Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it -is an enemy. - -- Albert Einstein -% -Man, n.: - An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks -he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief -occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, -however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole -habitable earth and Canada. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Mandrell: "You know what I think?" -Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you - don't think, right?" - -- Dr. Who -% -Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, -dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive -man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the -air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first -primitive umpire. - -What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as -mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -Manual, n.: - A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a -given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The -information you need is in the others. - -- Ray Simard -% -Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, -there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he -was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how -completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... - -- Walt Kelly -% -Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: - Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a -simple yes or no answer. -% -Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - -- Voltaire -% -Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on -the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam -dancing. - -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 -% -Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. - -- Malcolm Smith -% -Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. - -- R. Drabek -% -Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they -translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something -entirely different. - -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -% -Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is -described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can -play. - -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by - James Blish -% -Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. -% -Matter cannot be created or destroyed, -nor can it be returned without a receipt. -% -Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. -% -May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! -% -May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. -% -May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a -Thousand Caramels. -% -Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - -- R. S. Barton -% -Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge -it. -% -McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: - If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not -$19.95. -% -Meader's Law: - Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to -everyone you know, only more so. -% -Meeting, n.: - An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or -department not represented in the room must solve a problem. -% -Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha -Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man -had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and -it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin -very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently -tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... - [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important - world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the - next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] -... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your -cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of -billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even -more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a -fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the -older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and -obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the -window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger -hotshot cells moving up from below. - -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" -% -Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: - The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: - The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the -cork makes when it is popped. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: - All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. -% -Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: - Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that -is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can -ever hope to acquire it. -% -Menu, n.: - A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. -% -Meskimen's Law: - There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to -do it over. -% -MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. -% -Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. -% -methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- -ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- -phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- -taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- -glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- -nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- -minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- -cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- -leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- -cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- -lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- -sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- -cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- -nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- -nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- -partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- -glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- -valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- -cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- -nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- -rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- -glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- -sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- -lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- -glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: - The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a - 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. - -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and - Preposterous Words -% -Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. -% -Micro Credo: - Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -% -Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been -watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. -% -Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you -out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. - -- Casablanca -% -Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" -Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO - inconsiderate." - -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" -% -Miksch's Law: - If a string has one end, then it has another end. -% -Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Millihelen, adj: - The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. -% -Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with -themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - -- Susan Ertz -% -Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that -politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum -and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they -are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to -rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all -the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert -Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert -Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when -Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the -black. - -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" -% -Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there -is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, -myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in -the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my -unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You -will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as -dead as a door-nail. -% -Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. -% -Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap -pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. -% -Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. -% -Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. - -- Russell Baker -% -Misfortune, n.: - The kind of fortune that never misses. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Miss, n.: - A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that -they are in the market. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. -% -Mitchell's Law of Committees: - Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are -held to discuss it. -% -MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) - - Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers -2 cups water 2 cups sugar -2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice - Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine - Cinnamon - -Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break -RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar -and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon -juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously -with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top -crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let -steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust -is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. - -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box -% -Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. -% -Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked -him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just -last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew -better. -% -Molecule, n.: - The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished -from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a -closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of -matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the -atom in that it is an ion ... - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: - If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented -it wasn't worth doing. -% -Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. -% -Monday, n.: - In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. -% -Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. -% -Money is the root of all wealth. -% -Moon, n.: - 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to -hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). -% -Mophobia, n.: - Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. -% - MORE SPORTS RESULTS: -The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last -Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while -the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the -Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could -paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player -took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting -their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player -said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a -fight and the match was called by officials. -% -More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One -path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total -extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" -% -Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: - Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd -be out of a job. -% -Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex -because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs -and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little -eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around -and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the -female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just -dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven -by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the -truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of -them that it doesn't make any difference. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently -than they do. - -- Turgenev -% -Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. - -- Frank Zappa -% -Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. - -- Arnold Bennett -% -Mother is the invention of necessity. -% -Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. -% -Mr. Cole's Axiom: - The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the -population is growing. -% -"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) -"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old -Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his -pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes -in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be -in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, -133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic -computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much -fun to watch. - -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) -% -Murphy's Discovery: - Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to -women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything -will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in -trouble! -% -Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't -work. -% -Murphy's Law of Research: - Enough research will tend to support your theory. -% -Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ... - -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" -% - Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring -Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping -pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret -military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and -Esther and hustle them off to prison. - They can't prove who they are because they've left their -passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day -and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation -movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, -charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. - The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where -they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them -if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call -her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not -possible, and turns to Murray. - "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he -spits in the sergeants face. - "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Mustgo, n.: - Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so -long it has become a science project. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" -% -My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. - -- "Grendel", by John Gardner -% -My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I -threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. -First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the -frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up -the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed -forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier -perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through -the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative -crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a -symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state -in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I -really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded -OK. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless -there are three other people. - -- Orson Welles -% -My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand -times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and -sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right -through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever -listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just -log out again. -% -My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? - -- MadameX -% -My love runs by like a day in June, - And he makes no friends of sorrows. -He'll tread his galloping rigadoon - In the pathway or the morrows. -He'll live his days where the sunbeams start - Nor could storm or wind uproot him. -My own dear love, he is all my heart -- - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, - And a wild young wood-thing bore him! -The ways are fair to his roaming feet, - And the skies are sunlit for him. -As sharply sweet to my heart he seems - As the fragrance of acacia. -My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- - And I wish he were in Asia. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. - -- Groucho Marx -% -My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -% -My own dear love, he is strong and bold - And he cares not what comes after. -His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, - And his eyes are lit with laughter. -He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. -My own dear love, he is all my world -- - And I wish I'd never met him. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -My pen is at the bottom of a page, -Which, being finished, here the story ends; -'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, -But stories somehow lengthen when begun. - -- Byron -% -My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - -- Christopher Morley -% -My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies -% -Mythology, n.: - The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its -origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished -from the true accounts which it invents later. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% - n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); - n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); - n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); - n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); - n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); - - -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. -% -Naeser's Law: - You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it -damnfoolproof. -% -NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he - says is wrong. -GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says - will be right. - -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" -% -Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant -said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next -time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone -might steal it." -% -Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the -villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," -said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the -villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The -remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he -said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of -my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually -spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. -% -Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to -serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk -into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" -"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" -% -Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful -than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the -light more." -% -Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver -pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of -meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, -"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without -the recipe?" -% -Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of -conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the -fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he -is most likely to be creamed? - -- Solomon Short -% -Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, -God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. - -It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! -Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -% -Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it -cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. - -- Fran Leibowitz -% -Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's -character, give him power. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -Necessity is a mother. -% -Neckties strangle clear thinking. - -- Lin Yutang -% -Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. -% -Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. -% -Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. -% -Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. -% -Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled -with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to -change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually -fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators -have windows. -% -Never eat more than you can lift. - -- Miss Piggy -% -Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. -% -Never let your schooling interfere with your education. -% -Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" -% -Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to -make it complex and wonderful. -% -Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 -% -Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. -% -Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a -law against it by that time. -% -Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. -% -Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. -% -Never try to outstubborn a cat. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS -% -Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. -% -Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's -supposed to do. - -- R. A. Heinlein -% -New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. -% -New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in -any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. -% -New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of -Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. -% -New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. - -- Monty Python's Big Red Book -% -New systems generate new problems. -% -New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and -his wife most often reminds him to act it. - -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary -% -New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. -% -New York's got the ways and means; -Just won't let you be. - -- The Grateful Dead -% -Newlan's Truism: - An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government -economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. -% -NEWS FLASH!! - Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West - German pole-vault champion. -% - *** NEWSFLASH *** -Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! -% -Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. -% -Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. -% -Next Friday will not be your lucky day. -As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. -% -Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying -as an income tax refund. - -- F. J. Raymond -% -Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -Nihilism should commence with oneself. -% -Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name -correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into -(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but -Americans call him by value. -% -Nine megs for the secretaries fair, -Seven megs for the hackers scarce, -Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, -Three megs for system source; - -One disk to rule them all, -One disk to bind them, -One disk to hold the files -And in the darkness grind 'em. -% -Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes - And tapes without any tracks; -Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes - And tapes mixed up on the racks -- - Take hold of the tape - And pull off the strip, - And then you'll be sure - Your tape drive will skip. - - -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes -% -Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they -would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect -that much. - -- Augustine -% -Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: - The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of -the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. -% -Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends -hang out. - -- Zonker Harris -% -No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless -absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. - -- Fran Leibowitz -% -No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a -camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform -effectively under such difficult conditions. - -- Laurence J. Peter -% -No good deed goes unpunished. - -- Clare Boothe Luce -% -No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after -eating one peanut. - -- Channing Pollock -% -No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. -% -No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will -seriously cramp his style. -% -No matter what other nations may say about the United States, -immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. -% -No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% -No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. -% -No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval -system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of -the author. - -- Chris Shaw -% -No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- -He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. -Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame -And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. -CHORUS: - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. - Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, - And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. -Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails -And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. -All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff -But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" - (chorus) -Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. -The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. -A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, -But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! - (chorus) -% -No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - -- C. Schulz -% -No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. -% -No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied -occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an -indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining -occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as -an indication-applied occurrence. - -- ALGOL 68 Report -% -No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. - -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was - taken over by Rupert Murdoch -% -No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' - -- Dr. Who -% -Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. - -- Tallulah Bankhead -% -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. -% -Nobody said computers were going to be polite. -% -Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in -order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the -substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young -and rob the old. - -- Lewis Lapham -% -Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with -constructive praise. -% -Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: - Negative expectations yield negative results. - Positive expectations yield negative results. -% -Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. -% -Noncombatant, n.: - A dead Quaker. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. -% -Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -% -Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the -Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats -in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the -moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a -dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every -respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside -it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, -then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they -chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. - -- William Shakespeare -% -Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper -is from the wrong kind of tree. - -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University -% -Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter -of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund -is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- -unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is -careful not to make any poultry jokes ... - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. -% -Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... - -To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the -light comes on. -% -Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. - -- Andrew Young -% -Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires -tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. - -- Nero Wolfe -% -Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. -Conscience makes egotists of us all. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Nothing recedes like success. - -- Walter Winchell -% -Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - -- Charlie Brown -% -November, n.: - The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. -% -Now I lay me down to sleep -I pray the double lock will keep; -May no brick through the window break, -And, no one rob me till I awake. -% -Now is the time for all good men to come to. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next -time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV -to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for -eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself -the following questions: - -(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a - food? -(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich - exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? -(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as - prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with - double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living - right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like - longer.) - -That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. -% -Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called -Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that -were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% -Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. - -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 -% -... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to -get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in -the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs -on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage -children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a -snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn -to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about -a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an -outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does -he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect -Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks -Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some -kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your -children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop -quickly. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% - Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home -tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. - Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell -plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where -they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of -Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon -administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, -you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and -described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with -interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools -that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. - This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it -inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the -so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off -if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to -direct sunlight. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. - -- Karl Lehenbauer -% -Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of -normal routines, for children and adults alike. - -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" -% -Nuclear war would really set back cable. - -- Ted Turner -% -[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - -- Edwin Meese III -% -Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. -% -(null cookie; hope that's ok) -% -Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. -% -O give me a home, -Where the buffalo roam, -Where the deer and the antelope play, -Where seldom is heard -A discouraging word, -'Cause what can an antelope say? -% -O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: - Murphy was an optimist. -% -Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a -fake? -% -Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the -reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest -amount of hot air. - -- Thomas L. Martin -% -Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - -- Plato -% -Of all the words of witch's doom -There's none so bad as which and whom. -The man who kills both which and whom -Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power -tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... - -- Crazy Nigel -% -Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. -% -Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. -And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a -blazer. -% -Office Automation, n.: - The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone -you would want to talk with over coffee. -% -Ogden's Law: - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch -up. -% -Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! -% -Oh don't the days seem lank and long - When all goes right and none goes wrong, -And isn't your life extremely flat - With nothing whatever to grumble at! -% -Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay - I muck with indices and structs all day -And when it works, I shout hoo-ray - Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay -% -Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd -be irresponsible, too. - -- Lichty & Wagner -% -Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, -And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; -Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth -Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things -You have not dreamed of -- -Wheeled and soared and swung -High in the sunlit silence. -Hovering there -I've chased the shouting wind along and flung -My eager craft through footless halls of air. -Up, up along delirious, burning blue -I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, -Where never lark, or even eagle flew; -And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod -The high untrespassed sanctity of space, -Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. - -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" -% -Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. -% -Oh, when I was in love with you, - Then I was clean and brave, -And miles around the wonder grew - How well did I behave. - -And now the fancy passes by, - And nothing will remain, -And miles around they'll say that I - Am quite myself again. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Oh, wow! Look at the moon! -% -OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. - -- Dr. Joy -% -OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. -% -Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. - -- Trotsky -% -Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. -% -Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. -% -Oliver's Law: - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need -it. -% -Omnibiblious, adj.: - Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. -I'm omnibiblious." -% -OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of -JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O -as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... -WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? -% -On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: - -This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - -- Wolfgang Pauli -% -On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only -nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter -what it does. - -- Will Rogers -% - On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in -receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's -income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than -$283 on the desk before the cashier. - "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That -route never brought in money like this! What happened?" - "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured -business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and -worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" -% -On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are -created jerks. - -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a -POINT ... -% -On the subject of C program indentation: - - "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be - indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." - -- Blair P. Houghton -% -On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, -Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right -answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of -confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. - -- Charles Babbage -% -On-line, adj.: - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a -computer. -% -Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were -forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" -% -Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that -each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his -choice. - -In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians -called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" -and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People -passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy -Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, -Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". -Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your -principals or your mistress". -% -Once Law was sitting on the bench - And Mercy knelt a-weeping. -"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! - Nor come before me creeping. -Upon your knees if you appear, -'Tis plain you have no standing here." - -Then Justice came. His Honor cried: - "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" -"Amica curiae," she replied -- - "Friend of the court, so please you." -"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- -I never saw your face before!" - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human -beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by -side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them -which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the -sky. - -- Rainer Rilke -% - Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a -great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to -the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of -life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But -one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is -going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I -shall die of boredom." - The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that -current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the -rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" - But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, -and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. -Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current -lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. - And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, -"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the -Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current -said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us -free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this -adventure. - But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to -the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -% -Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of -us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of -the smaller prime numbers. - -2: The Odd Prime -- - It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. -3: The True Prime -- - Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." -31: The Arbitrary Prime -- - Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime - in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 - received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the - next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none - at all. - -Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are -derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but -true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. -% -... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you -with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday -shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday -advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a -shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take -them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Once, adv.: - Enough. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least -somebody's listening. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." - -Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. -The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. - -- Chuq Von Rospach -% -One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. -% -One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing -how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. - -- Professor Charles P. Issawi -% -One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell -the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald -announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to -a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The -captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth --- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, -"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if -I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" -"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." -% -One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet -when well oiled. -% -One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they -never have to stop and answer the phone. -% -One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. - -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) -% -One learns to itch where one can scratch. - -- Ernest Bramah -% -One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as -one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will -produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to -represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as -many ... - -- Anthony Chevins -% -One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -% -One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How -will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, -I'll tell you." -% -One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. -% -One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible -from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at -least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts -are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but -when He's good, nobody can touch Him. - -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 -% -One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to -do and always a clever thing to say. - -- Will Durant -% -One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, -lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of -their C programs. - -- Robert Firth -% -One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God -create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy -retail." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% - One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How -enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? - Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many -years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. -Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple -language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for -students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for -interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of -its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on -VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. - It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will -run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and -will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. - With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and -quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With -VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of -documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the -difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS -is that it's all there. - -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 -% -One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your -seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best -way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who -fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become -disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. -% -The Seventh Commandments for Technicians - Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy -fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in -other ways. -% -The First Commandment for Technicians: - Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged -capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most -untechnician-like manner. -% -One Page Principle: - A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch -paper cannot be understood. - -- Mark Ardis -% -One planet is all you get. -% -One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could -manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that -they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's -say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding -study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by -sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, -strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus -rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also -be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. -Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle -Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save -millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently -support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that -your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members -of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are -already too large to fit on normal aircraft. - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -One reason why George Washington -Is held in such veneration: -He never blamed his problems -On the former Administration. - -- George O. Ludcke -% -One seldom sees a monument to a committee. -% -One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. -% -One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that -sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of -sheer terror. - -- W. K. Hartmann -% -One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a -new model. -% -One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. -% -One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned -at the stake while the votes were being counted. - -- Thomas B. Reed -% -One-Shot Case Study, n.: - The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which -it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes -green. -% -Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. -% -Only God can make random selections. -% -Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to -use the editorial "we." -% -Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. -% -Optimization hinders evolution. -% -Oregano, n.: - The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. -% -Oregon, n.: - Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday -night. -% -Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. -Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - -- Mike Adams -% -Osborn's Law: - Variables won't; constants aren't. -% -Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. -% -Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is -they charge fifteen cents for them. -% -Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the -office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we -were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of -juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. - -He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" - -Her reply: - - "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it - means to be a programmer." -% -Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. - Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, - In kernel as it is in user! -% -Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. - -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries -% -... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce -Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One -thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If -somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it -on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what -a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. - -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" -% -Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. - -- Alex Schure -% -Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. - -- General Omar N. Bradley -% - OUTCONERR -Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes - Did logzerneg the ifthen block -All kludgy were the function flows - And subroutines adhoc. - -Beware the runtime-bug my friend - squrooneg, the false goto -Beware the infiniteloop - And shun the inprectoo. -% -Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, -it's too dark to read. - -- Groucho Marx -% -Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now -I can remember things that *have* happened before ... -% -Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! -% -Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. -% -Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. -% -Ozman's Laws: - (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he - won't. - (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they - make. - (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. - (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. -% -Painting, n.: - The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and -exposing them to the critic. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -panic: can't find / -% -panic: kernel trap (ignored) -% -Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much -better. - -- Laurie Anderson -% -Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. -% -Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. -% -Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. -% -Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to -criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. - -- D. J. Hicks -% -Pardo's First Postulate: - Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or -fattening. - -Arnold's Addendum: - Everything else causes cancer in rats. -% -Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. -% -Parker's Law: - Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. -% -Parkinson's Fifth Law: - If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good -bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. -% -Parkinson's Fourth Law: - The number of people in any working group tends to increase -regardless of the amount of work to be done. -% -Parsley - is gharsley. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. -% -Pascal is not a high-level language. - -- Steven Feiner -% -Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. - -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 -% -Pascal Users: - To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the -death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. -% -Pascal, n.: - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in -his grave if he knew about it. -% -Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. - -- Eric Hoffer -% -Patageometry, n.: - The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant -under brain transplants. -% -Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. -% -Paul's Law: - In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you -save. -% -Paul's Law: - You can't fall off the floor. -% -Peace, n.: - In international affairs, a period of cheating between two -periods of fighting. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Peanut Blossoms - -4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk -4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla -4 cups shortening 14 cups flour -8 eggs 4 tsp. soda -4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt - -Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie -sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a -Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a -hell of a lot. -% -Pecor's Health-Food Principle: - Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in -it. -% -Pedaeration, n.: - The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the -sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Penguin Trivia #46: - Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. - -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 -% -People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. - -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -% -People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of -the future. -% -People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. - -- Ken Kesey -% -People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. -% -People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better -press than people who are just funny and smart. - -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" -% -People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never -slept in a room with a single mosquito. -% -People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who -haven't what they want that they don't want it. - -- Ogden Nash -% -People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that -Benjamin Franklin said it first. -% -People will buy anything that's one to a customer. -% -People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they -did yesterday. -% -Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. -"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." - -- Aelius Donatus -% -Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. -% -Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but -when there is no longer anything to take away. - -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery -% -Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -% -Peter's Law of Substitution: - Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after -themselves. -% -Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to -exciting Camden, New Jersey. -% -Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny. -% -Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. - -- John Keats -% -Pick another fortune cookie. -% -Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional -hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational -sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... -% -Pig, n.: - An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race -by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is -inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being -followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your -associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack -confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible -things to small animals. -% -PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) - Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the -American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as -nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will -probably get run over by a bus. -% - Pittsburgh Driver's Test - -(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light - but a steady left tail light. This means - - (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn - to call the problem to the driver's attention. - (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. - (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. - (d) the driver is from out of town. - -The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign -countries to signal turns. -% - Pittsburgh Driver's Test - -(8) Pedestrians are - - (a) irrelevant. - (b) communists. - (c) a nuisance. - (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. - -The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are -totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. -% -Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. - -- Don Marquis -% -PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the -solution set. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -Plaese porrf raed. - -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase -% -Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia -because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers -couldn't compete successfully with poets. - -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half - Shell" -% -Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. -% -Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. - -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" -% -Please ignore previous fortune. -% -Please take note: -% -Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" -until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched -out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, -and such. - -- N. Meyrowitz -% -Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? -% - Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, -requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm -into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing -problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the -radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how -plumbing works. - A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, -except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, -it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets -and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at -all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can -kill you. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -PLUNDERER'S THEME -(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) - -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. -Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. -Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. -% -Pohl's law: - Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. -% -Police: Good evening, are you the host? -Host: No. -Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. -Host: About the drugs? -Police: No. -Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? -Police: No, the noise. -Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns - or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the - background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? - The neighbors? -Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent - complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could - ask the host to quiet things down? -Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive - religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living - room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the - lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out - onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind - down. -% -Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell -all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. -% -Politician, n.: - An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of -organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the -agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared -with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Politician, n.: - From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or -"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence -"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. - -- Martin Pitt -% -Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even -where there is no river. - -- Nikita Khrushchev -% -Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough -to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. -% -Polymer physicists are into chains. -% -Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the -Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The -white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before -it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his -name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with -laughter, singing - - Half a pound of tuppenny rice - Half a pound of treacle - That's the way the chimney smokes - Pope Goestheveezl - -The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of -laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for -hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron -Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Portable, adj.: - Survives system reboot. -% -Positive, adj.: - Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. -% -Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 -% -Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. -% -Power, n: - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -% -Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little -more time for dreaming. - -- J. P. McEvoy -% -Predestination was doomed from the start. -% -President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and -forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. -% -President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the -vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. - -- The Washington Post -% -Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! -% -Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: - It's on the other side. -% -[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves -to see him work. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. -% -Probable-Possible, my black hen, -She lays eggs in the Relative When. -She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now -Because she's unable to postulate how. - -- Frederick Winsor -% -Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have -orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which -is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data - encryption standard and they came up with ... -Student: EBCDIC! -% -Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. -Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on -his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's -earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% -% -Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to -build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying -to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - -- Rich Cook -% -Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. - -This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction -techniques are very popular; even the military used them. - -SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. - - We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true -for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n -as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is -trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We -can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just -about _n. - QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") -% -Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. - SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. -(1) Horses have an even number of legs. -(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. -(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of - legs for a horse. -(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. -(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. - -Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: - Intimidation - Gesticulation (handwaving) - "Try it; it works" - Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) - Blatant assertion - Changing all the 2's to _n's - Mutual consent - Lack of a counterexample, and - "It stands to reason" -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -BBW Branch Both Ways -BEW Branch Either Way -BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full -BH Branch and Hang -BMR Branch Multiple Registers -BOB Branch On Bug -BPO Branch on Power Off -BST Backspace and Stretch Tape -CDS Condense and Destroy System -CLBR Clobber Register -CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately -CM Circulate Memory -CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming -CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip -CRN Convert to Roman Numerals -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -DC Divide and Conquer -DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key -DO Divide and Overflow -EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator -EPI Execute Programmer Immediately -EROS Erase Read Only Storage -EXCE Execute Customer Engineer -HCF Halt and Catch Fire -IBP Insert Bug and Proceed -INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) -PBC Print and Break Chain -PDSK Punch Disk -% -Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: - -PI Punch Invalid -POPI Punch Operator Immediately -PVLC Punch Variable Length Card -RASC Read And Shred Card -RPM Read Programmers Mind -RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) -RTAB Rewind Tape and Break -RWDSK Rewind Disk -RWOC Read Writing On Card -SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write -SLC Search for Lost Chord -SPSW Scramble Program Status Word -SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk -STROM Store in Read Only Memory -TDB Transfer and Drop Bit -WBT Water Binary Tree -% -Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller -than the both put together. -% -Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check -three friends. If they're OK, you're it. -% -Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well -anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves -to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way -to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the -cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in -fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a -lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of -the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. - -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" -% -Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. -% -Pushing 40 is exercise enough. -% -Put no trust in cryptic comments. -% -Put your Nose to the Grindstone! - -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. -% -Putt's Law: - Technology is dominated by two types of people: - Those who understand what they do not manage. - Those who manage what they do not understand. -% -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. -% -Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? -A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. - -Q: How long does it take? -A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've - brought with them. - -Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? -A: They replace your generator. -% -Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb - itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective - reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a - maudlin cosmos of nothingness. -% -Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb - in San Francisco? -A: Both of them. -% -Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? -A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. -% -Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? -A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. -% -Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? -A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, - Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of - the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% - of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences - of non-blank characters separated by blanks". -% -Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring - light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government - plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer - prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb - assassin to break the bulb in the first place. -% -Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One and a half. -% -Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem - to the earlier joke. -% -Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those - Californians trying to share the experience. -% -Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub - with brightly colored machine tools. -% -Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? -A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out - of the way. -% -Q: What's a light-year? -A: One-third less calories than a regular year. -% -Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? -A: Because it was on the other side. -% -Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? -A: To stamp out forest fires. - -Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? -A: To stamp out flaming ducks. -% -Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? -A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. -% -Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What - should I do? - -A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on - believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be - the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No - time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if - somebody else has made the correction. - - And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're - the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have - to inform the whole net right away! - - -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions - on Netiquette" -% -Quality Control, n.: - The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off -a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. -% -Question: -Man Invented Alcohol, -God Invented Grass. -Who do you trust? -% -Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! -% -Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! -% -Quidquid latine dictum est, altum videtur. - -(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) -% -Quigley's Law: - Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will -attempt to use it. -% -QUOTE OF THE DAY: - - ` - -% -Qvid me anxivs svm? -% -QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: - 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 -kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one -thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a -painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] -person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. - -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. -% -Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. -% -Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something -I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of -computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport -store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told -all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all -the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are -they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current -rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on -Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be -impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying -goes, giving away the store? - -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President -% -Ray's Rule of Precision: - Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. -% -Razors pain you; -Rivers are damp; -Acids stain you; -And drugs cause cramp. -Guns aren't lawful; -Nooses give; -Gas smells awful; -You might as well live. - -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 -% -Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe -the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described -with pictures. -% -Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of -Congress. But I repeat myself. - -- Mark Twain -% -Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic -value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is -much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice -this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. -% -Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware -has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing -machines are so poor at I/O. -% -Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are -so long they can't afford the disk space. -% -Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write -in anything less portable than a number two pencil. -% -Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker -with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they -hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for -applications.) -% -Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run -on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo -sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. -% -Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured -programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- -trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise -clear desks. -% -Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine -doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell -quiche. -% -Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it -should be hard to understand. -% -Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the -illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how -much good it did them. -% -Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires -you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers -wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly -spring up in the middle of the machine room. -% -Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write -in BASIC after reaching puberty. -% -Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress -freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who -wear white socks. -% -Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who -can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. -% -Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. -% -Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use -functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? -% -Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. -This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a -computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. -% -Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and -greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any -moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that -systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal -computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your -DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their -Correctness Verification Aid packages. -% -Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the -job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like -using an undocumented external procedure. -% -Real Time, adj.: - Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there -and then. -% -Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never -afraid to break your face. -% -Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts -down the system for days. -% -Real Users hate Real Programmers. -% -Real Users know your home telephone number. -% -Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your -program doesn't deliver it. -% -Real Users never use the Help key. -% -Real World, The n.: - 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may -be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To -programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related -to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and -tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. -4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. -"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used -pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking -of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a -deceased person. -% -Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. -% -Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. -% -Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? - -- Patrick Sky -% -Reality is for people who lack imagination. -% -Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. -% -Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. - -- Alvy Ray Smith -% -Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away" - -- Philip K. Dick -% -Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! -% -Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than -being flat broke and having a stomach ache. - -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" -% -Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you -lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, -but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and -Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 -recessions. -% -Reclaimer, spare that tree! -Take not a single bit! -It used to point to me, -Now I'm protecting it. -It was the reader's CONS -That made it, paired by dot; -Now, GC, for the nonce, -Thou shalt reclaim it not. -% - "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" -Candy -Is dandy -But liquor -Is quicker. - -- Ogden Nash -% -"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe -again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know -which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A -spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the -starfield surrounding the ship. - -"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC -announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they -are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been -intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and -transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. -Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." - -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" -% -Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: - If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. -% -Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. - -- Anatole France -% -Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. - -- Dave Barry -% -Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be -worse in Cleveland. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good -offense! -% -Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. -% -Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. -% -Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. - -- Dave Butler -% -Renning's Maxim: - Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. -% -Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western - Civilization? -Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. -% -Reporter, n.: - A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a -tempest of words. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? - -SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that -the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can -carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." -I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind -of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to -do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of -ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we -need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political -career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but -that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I -can't help it. - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - -- Wernher von Braun -% -Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get -another chance later on. -% -Review Questions - -(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, - and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before - he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the - Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? - -(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks - twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks - every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off - his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? - -(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers - the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a - pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King - Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? -% -Rhode's Law: - When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, -circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, -empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, -induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always -for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, -material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or -none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, -proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, -universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it -becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. -% -Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. - -- Steven Wright -% -Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention - Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will - reject the proposal. -% -Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. - -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" -% -ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. -MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- - door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. -% -Rudin's Law: - If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it -every time. -% -Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: - Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall -be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person -shall be deemed to be a cat. -% -Rule of Creative Research: - (1) Never draw what you can copy. - (2) Never copy what you can trace. - (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. -% -Rule of Defactualization: - Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. -% -Rule of Feline Frustration: - When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly -content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. -% -Rule of the Great: - When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep -thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. -% -Rules for Academic Deans: - (1) HIDE!!!! - (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! - -- Father Damian C. Fandal -% -Rules for driving in New York: - (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. - (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers - on. - (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the - intersection. -% -RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED - (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. - (2) Never leave the table hungry. - (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. - (4) Enjoy your food. - (5) Enjoy your companion's food. - (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to - accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. - (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, - for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a - brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? - (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. - (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You - can always eat it later. - (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. - (11) Avoid blue food. - -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" -% -Rules: - (1) The boss is always right. - (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. -% - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence - Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. - -(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, - ants. -(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. -(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. -(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. -(5) Exotic birds flock around you. -(6) People ignore you at parties. -(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. -(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. -% - Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence -(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear - bomb; use the stairs. -(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit - the ground. -(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. -(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to - psychological problems. -(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to - recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed - potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. -(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs - will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. -(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. -(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be - staggering illegally. -(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more - sanitary due to limited circulation. -(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on - D-Day. -% -SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless - tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority - of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People - laugh at you a great deal. -% -San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - -- Herb Caen -% -San Francisco, n.: - Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. -% -Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. - -- Mark Harrold -% -Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, - He must be a communist. -And a beard and long hair, - Must be a pacifist. - - What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - -- Arlo Guthrie -% -Satellite Safety Tip #14: - If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. -% -Sattinger's Law: - It works better if you plug it in. -% -Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, - Is like being nowhere at all, -All through the day how the hours rush by, - You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. - -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" -% -Sauron is alive in Argentina! -% -Save energy: be apathetic. -% -Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. -% -Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -% -Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I -ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. - -- Steven Wright -% -SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - -- Ken Thompson -% -Schapiro's Explanation: - The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's -because they use more manure. -% -Schizophrenia beats being alone. -% -Schlattwhapper, n.: - The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, -hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Schnuffel, n.: - A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in -mixed company. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Schwiggle, n.: - The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a -pencil. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made -of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts -is not necessarily science. - -- Henri Poincar'e -% -Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. -% -Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. - -- William Buckley - -% -SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will - achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of - ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. -% -Scott's first Law: - No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. -% -Scott's second Law: - When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found -to have been wrong in the first place. - -Corollary: - After the correction has been found in error, it will be -impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. -% -Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! -Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? -Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. -Kirk: Then it's of external origin? -Spock: Affirmative. -Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. -Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. -% -Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. -% -Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the -Presidency. - -- Richard Nixon -% -Second Law of Business Meetings: - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you -will pick the wrong one. - -Corollary: - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it -wrong, anyway. -% -Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). - In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a -multiline message byte. - In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message -must be sent passive true. - The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: - (1) The ANRS if DAV is false - (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: - (a) The LADS is active - (b) Nor LACS is active - - -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for - Programmable Instrumentation -% -Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! -% -Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. -She scissored short. Sorely shorn, -Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, -Silently scheming, -Sightlessly seeking -Some savage, spectacular suicide. - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... -% -Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: - Ice Cream cures all ills. -% -Self Test for Paranoia: - You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's -your own fault. -% -Seminars, n.: - From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. -% -Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would - notify you if the record has pornographic material or - material glorifying violence?" -Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." -Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's - legs on the album cover is good indication that it's - not for little Johnny." - - -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock - lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 -% -Senate, n.: - A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and -misdemeanors. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Serenity through viciousness. -% -Serocki's Stricture: - Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. -% -Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. -% - "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated -thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY -advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." - "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. - "Too proud?" the other enquired. - Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," -she said, "that one can't help growing older." - "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With -proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a -big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at -reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's -build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up -like crabgrass all over the United States. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. -% -Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. - -- Swami X -% -Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - -- M. C. Reed -% -Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, -it's one of the best. - -- Woody Allen -% -Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: - A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the -temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. - A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue -functionaries, and there's a joke about that: - A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the -middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be -bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" - The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I -am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks -he's nobody!" - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off -during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. - -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every - Teen Should Know" -% -Shaw's Principle: - Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will -want to use it. -% -She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. - -- Gypsy Rose Lee -% -She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. - -- Mark Twain -% -She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them -were bad. -% -She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could -have poured on a waffle ... -% -She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, -you should hear me play piano.' - -- Morrisey -% -She's genuinely bogus. -% -Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have -taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an -excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - -- Samuel Johnson -% -SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! -POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! -% -Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is -playing golf with his boss. -% -Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. -% -Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet -% -Silverman's Law: - If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -% -Simon's Law: - Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -% -Since I hurt my pendulum -My life is all erratic. -My parrot, who was cordial, -Is now transmitting static. -The carpet died, a palm collapsed, -The cat keeps doing poo. -The only thing that keeps me sane -Is talking to my shoe. - -- My Shoe -% -Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're -alive. - -- John Sloan -% -Since we're all here, we must not be all there. - -- Bob "Mountain" Beck -% -[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the -vices I admire. - -- Winston Churchill -% -Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate -Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically -excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. -This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally -examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published -Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be -printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry -comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had -no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. -% -Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): - That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, -or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should -have gotten. -% -Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes -to work. -% -Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, -when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and -apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I -neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a -tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they -were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of -souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a -testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from -chains. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: - (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad - check. - (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. - (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is - attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is - attracted to dark objects. -% -Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... -% -Slurm, n.: - The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when -it sits in the dish too long. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - -- Fletcher Knebel -% -Snacktrek, n.: - The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly -returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have -materialized. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate -your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and -hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast -array of 8-millimeter video equipment. - -... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you -were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format -that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as -toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be -made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a -format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. - -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics - Revolution" -% -So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in -praise of intelligence. - -- Bertrand Russell -% -... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those -who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, -and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious -and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. - -- Voltarine de Cleyre -% - So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. -With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to -maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of -corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to -flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward -it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- -I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in -the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. - Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and -I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our -heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're -unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water -up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the -opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of -our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all -the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers -cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen -these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked -into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple -pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops -its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very -imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, -and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, -and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the -gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. - -- Samuel Foote -% -... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their -procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as -to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of -sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making -documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly -listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another -documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, -under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the -effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply -scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White -in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of -thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and -then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very -dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all -along. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? -And why can't he ever remember his Bible? -% -Sodd's Second Law: - Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is -bound to occur. -% -Software, n.: - Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. -% -Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. -% -Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - -- Ed Howe -% -Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to -celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around -stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on -"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind -of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The -government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level -Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and -billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which -it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming -thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with -the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money -and go to a mall. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some -people have mediocrity thrust upon them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only -one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." -% -Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit -them on the head. -% -Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. -% -Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when -you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even -worse. - -- Avery -% -Some points to remember [about animals]: - -(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, - hippopotamuses; -(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the - front of your clothes; -(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs - you have just kicked. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -Some primal termite knocked on wood. -And tasted it, and found it good. -And that is why your Cousin May -Fell through the parlor floor today. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand -progress. -% -Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand -progress. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the -pens will multiply instead of disappear. -% -Someone will try to honk your nose today. -% -Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm -the only ashtray. -% -Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the -Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then -intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men -and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our -best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are -we not God's Machineries of Joy?" - -"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" -% -Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. -% -Song Title of the Week: - "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change -in me." -% -Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. -(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). -% -Sorry, no fortune this time. -% -Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. -% -Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- -bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the -road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -Spare no expense to save money on this one. - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% -Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: - If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as -if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question -back at him. -% -Speak roughly to your little boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -He only does it to annoy - Because he knows it teases. - - Wow! wow! wow! - -I speak severely to my boy, - And beat him when he sneezes: -For he can thoroughly enjoy - The pepper when he pleases! - - Wow! wow! wow! - -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" -% -Speak roughly to your little VAX, - And boot it when it crashes; -It knows that one cannot relax - Because the paging thrashes! - - Wow! Wow! Wow! - -I speak severely to my VAX, - And boot it when it crashes; -In spite of all my favorite hacks - My jobs it always thrashes! - - Wow! Wow! Wow! -% -Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. -% -Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. - -- Dave Millman -% -Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am -sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, -cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free -the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a -bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a -controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before -passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same -memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, -no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously -designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? -% -Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: - - With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair - He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! - And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down - As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! - Helpless users with projects due - Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! - - Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! - Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" - -* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation -* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. - -- Curtis Jackson -% -Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently -these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people -to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't -communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so -on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real -life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't -communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least -he can do is to Shut Up! - -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" -% -Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. -% -Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: - The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the -number of times you have looked at it. -% -Spelling is a lossed art. -% -Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. -% -Spirtle, n.: - The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in -your eye. - -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" -% -Spouse, n.: - Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you -wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. -% -Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist -drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the -greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll -take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! - -- Harlan Ellison -% -Stay away from flying saucers today. -% -Stay away from hurricanes for a while. -% -Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. -% -Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: - Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have -another drink. -% -Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: - Never test for an error condition you don't know how to -handle. -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -% -Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. -Now, if they'd only take a bath ... -% -Stult's Report: - Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is -fight the solutions. -% -Stupid, adj.: - Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. -% -Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? -% -Sturgeon's Law: - 90% of everything is crud. -% -Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your -editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - -- Mark Twain -% -Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way -before it is understood. -% -Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. -% -Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar -without his duck ... -% -(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) - - To code the impossible code, - To bring up a virgin machine, - To pop out of endless recursion, - To grok what appears on the screen, - - To right the unrightable bug, - To endlessly twiddle and thrash, - To mount the unmountable magtape, - To stop the unstoppable crash! -% -Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! -% -Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. -% -Support your local police force -- steal!! -% -Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. -% -Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! -% -Surprise due today. Also the rent. -% -Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. -% -Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type -in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving -the room is punishable under law: - -Name # - - -% -Swahili, n.: - The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. - -- Johnny Hart -% -Sweater, n.: - A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. -% -Swipple's Rule of Order: - He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -% -Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad -infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% - _ - _ / \ o - / \ | | o o o - | | | | _ o o o o - | \_| | / \ o o o - \__ | | | o o - | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ - | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ - | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ - | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) - | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- - | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ - | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ - // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ - // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ - //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ - -Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels -start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and -then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the -music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. - -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" -% -T: One big monster, he called TROLL. - He don't rock, and he don't roll; - Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. - He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a -hole in his head. -% -Tact, n.: - The unsaid part of what you're thinking. -% -Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. -% -Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting -enough cheese. - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Take it easy, we're in a hurry. -% -Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it -needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - -- Kipling -% -Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit -back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good -beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up -drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a -nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves -and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So -Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw -no need to improve ... - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to -your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, -and they'll call you crazy. - -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" -% -Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - -- Euripides -% -Talkers are no good doers. - -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" -% -Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged - determination and work like hell. Most people think you are - stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. -% -Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind -the tree." - -- Russell Long -% -Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself -out of the market. -% -Taxes, n.: - Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get -an extension. -% -Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they -grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway. -% -Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. -% -Technological progress has merely provided us -with more efficient means for going backwards. - -- Aldous Huxley -% -Telephone, n.: - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the -advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, -Is those things arms, or is they legs? -I marvel at thee, Octopus; -If I were thou, I'd call me us. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop -writing. - -- R. Geis -% -Terence, this is stupid stuff: -You eat your victuals fast enough; -There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, -To see the rate you drink your beer. -But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, -It gives a chap the belly-ache. -The cow, the old cow, she is dead; -It sleeps well the horned head: -We poor lads, 'tis our turn now -To hear such tunes as killed the cow. -Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme -Your friends to death before their time. -Moping, melancholy mad: -Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a -surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one -hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other -hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother. - -- Len Cool, "American Pie" -% -Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a -pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city -until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is -ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe -because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical -fact, for he merely said: - - "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because - it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain - because it is impossible." - -Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of -philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types - -(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). -% -Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. -% -Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. -% -Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even -one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. - -- J. Finnegan, USC. -% -Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. - -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly -% -That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. - -- Foghorn Leghorn -% -That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. - -- Moliere -% -That secret you've been guarding, isn't. -% -That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. -% -The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by -people who want some. - -- Dwight MacDonald -% -The Abrams' Principle: - The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. -% -The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper - -- Thomas Jefferson -% -The Advertising Agency Song: - - When your client's hopping mad, - Put his picture in the ad. - If he still should prove refractory, - Add a picture of his factory. -% -The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug -someone with it. - -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 -% -... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that -consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune -of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to -listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas -River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little -Rock. -% -The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. -Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed -and color, but also on ability. - -- T. Lehrer -% -The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. - -- Bill Murray -% -The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use -in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the -Declaration not for that, but for future use. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% -The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. -% -The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the -average man can see better than he can think. -% -The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by -people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried -anything. - -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore -% -The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than -cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and -difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, -which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- -here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO -RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you -want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking -lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a -squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out -and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, -his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was -neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking -lots. - -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" -% -The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit -called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in -writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would -be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices -immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a -bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special -Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of -paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty -would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. -The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to -emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood -Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; -but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -% -The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - -- W. C. Fields -% -The best defense against logic is ignorance. -% -The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. -% -"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and -blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. -You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at -night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only -love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or -know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only -one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what -wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, -never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never -dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a -lot of things there are to learn." - -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" -% -The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them -is a match. - -- Will Rogers -% -The bigger the theory the better. -% -The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse -time. - -- Merrick Furst -% -The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss -Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. - -It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been -known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, -in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two -under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of -people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a -city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking -umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of -activity that frightens the horses on the street ... -% -The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. -% -The bogosity meter just pegged. -% -The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up -in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. -% -The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: - To determine how long it will take to write and debug a -program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and -convert to the next higher units. -% -The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. -Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in -automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. - -- Art Buchwald -% -The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding -bureaucracy. -% -The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the -flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability -of assembly language. -% -The camel has a single hump; -The dromedary two; -Or else the other way around. -I'm never sure. Are you? - -- Ogden Nash -% -The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly -greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed -inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner -party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. - -- G. Fitch -% -The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up -at the steam fitters' picnic. -% -The chief cause of problems is solutions. - -- Eric Sevareid -% -The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. - -- Alfred Adler -% -The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will -walk carefully. - -- Russian Proverb -% -The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. -% -The Computer made me do it. -% -The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - -- Alan Perlis -% -The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his -memos. - -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 -% -The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other -subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up -every bird watcher in the country. - -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 -% -The Consultant's Curse: - When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him -what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong -medicine, and is normally only required once. -% -The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is -none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." -Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. -Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you -talked about. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. -% -The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. -% -The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to -eat. - -- John McNulty -% -The Crown is full of it! - -- Nate Harris, 1775 -% -The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should -therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could -hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to -declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, -then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. -Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. - -- William Ellery Channing -% -The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -% -The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of -us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching -Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. -% -The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? -% -The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. -% -The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell -into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him -out again, it would be a calamity. - -- Benjamin Disraeli -% -The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science -requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - -- Robert Heinlein -% -The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the -following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: - - "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. -Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is -Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. - "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. -Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. -Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. -Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is -goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that -Jews won't go near them ..." - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on -a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. -% -The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man -really clever who has not found that he is stupid. - -- Gilbert K. Chesterson -% -The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show -off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his -next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the -duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the -duck and returned it to his master. - "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. - "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." -% -The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late -and owns the worm farm. - -- Travis McGee -% -The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. -% -The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and -add ten percent. -% -The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on -weather forecasters. - -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann -% -The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not -Compute' -- I forget which. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of -civilization. - -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -% -The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with -symposium to follow. -% -The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach -their children to speak it. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a -remarkable Christian forbearance among men. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% -The fact that it works is immaterial. - -- L. Ogborn -% -The faster we go, the rounder we get. - -- The Grateful Dead -% -The Fifth Rule: - You have taken yourself too seriously. -% -The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - -- Abbie Hoffman -% -The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King -Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a -tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad -forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously -fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of -threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked -suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of -foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead -one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with -dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found -drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown -and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have -thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture -of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left -in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed -crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave -Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when -a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful -throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of -management is that success equals skill. - -- Robert Heller -% -The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish -child, was propounded to me by my father: - "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and -whistles?" - I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity -gave up. - "A herring," said my father. - "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" - "So hang it there." - "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. - "Paint it." - "But a herring isn't wet." - "If it's just painted it's still wet." - "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring -doesn't whistle!!" - "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it -hard." - -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" -% -The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your -hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. - -- McCloctnik the Lucid -% -The First Rule of Program Optimization: - Don't do it. - -The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): - Don't do it yet. - -- Michael Jackson -% -The first time, it's a KLUDGE! -The second, a trick. -Later, it's a well-established technique! - -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics -% -The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions -Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: - -As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of -logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more -appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the -four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. - . . . -Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible -blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves -parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge -of the hyper-cube. -% -The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by -a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. -% -The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - -- Dave Barry -% -The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the -number of your kids by 32 teeth. -% -The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to -chance. -% -The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. -% -The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the -center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South -Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South -End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. -% -The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled -today. -% -The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at -least until we've finished building it. -% -The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. -The goal of nature is to build better mice. -% -The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him -love and he invented marriage. -% -THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES - The one who has the gold makes the rules. -% -The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who -make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians -have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine -man in the bonds of Hell. - -- St. Augustine -% -The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got -to be good. -% - "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") - -On the good ship Enterprise -Every week there's a new surprise -Where the Romulans lurk -And the Klingons often go berserk. - -Yes, the good ship Enterprise -There's excitement anywhere it flies -Where Tribbles play -And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. - - See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, - Mr. Spock is at his side. - The weekly menace, ooh-ooh - It gets fried, scattered far and wide. - -It's the good ship Enterprise -Heading out where danger lies -And you live in dread -If you're wearing a shirt that's red. - -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics -% -The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of -statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are -extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive -displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every -case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts -down anything he damn well pleases. - -- Sir Josiah Stamp -% -The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all -who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. - -- Benjamin Franklin -% -The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: - The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in -courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk -clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods -of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp -Hedgehog Eater. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men -of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. - -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis -% -The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - -- Albert Einstein -% -The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a -custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the -contrary, nohow. -% -The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: - You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -% -The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent -thinkers. -% -The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, -which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at -least 5000 years old." -% -The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for -lists of "Ten Best". - -- H. Allen Smith -% -The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and -has gills through which it can see. - -- Monty Python -% -The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its -capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. -% -The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange -protein -- it rejects it. - -- P. Medawar -% -The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can -remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider -struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in -spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and -wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head -off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. - -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" -% -The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - -- Mark Twain -% -The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that -procession but carrying a banner. - -- Mark Twain -% -The idea is to die young as late as possible. - -- Ashley Montague -% -The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic -devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, -where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with -sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, -consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than -have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones -repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist -of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic -devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" - -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" -% -The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. - -- Franco Spisani -% -The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf -has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know -when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. - -- Will Rogers -% -The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important -point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly -important thing to people. - -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King -% -The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the -number of participants. - -- Adam Walinsky -% -The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided -by the number of people in the group. -% -The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free -information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a -dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a -real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. - -So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never -pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big -consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -The Kennedy Constant: - Don't get mad -- get even. -% -The Killer Ducks are coming!!! -% -The ladies men admire, I've heard, -Would shudder at a wicked word. -Their candle gives a single light; -They'd rather stay at home at night. -They do not keep awake till three, -Nor read erotic poetry. -They never sanction the impure, -Nor recognize an overture. -They shrink from powders and from paints ... -So far, I've had no complaints. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a -word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about -drugs." - -- Roy Blount, Jr. -% -The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the -law free. - -- Henry David Thoreau -% -The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the -poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal -bread. - -- Anatole France -% -The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all -men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the -universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we -presently imagine we own. - -- H. G. Wells -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE - -SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language -Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for -Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code -with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, -END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make -a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus -they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without -the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP - -This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of -an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said -to be useful in protheththing lithtth. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL - -SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. -Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they -compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the -coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom -sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to -compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but -infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE - -Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely -unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just -are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. -SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at -parties. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- - -This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he -submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is -best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the -language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code -statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very -similar to COBOL. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH - -FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types -refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and -JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and -BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, -CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. - -The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and -financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include -VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH -and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers -who end up using this language. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE - -Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene -Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The -language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics -and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A -spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of -ours." - -The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have -almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the -organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to -exist. -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL -From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, -VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. - -Here is a sample program: - LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START - IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND - VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN - FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 - DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) - BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) - SURE - LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM - REALLY - LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) - IM*SURE - GOTO THE MALL - -When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: - - GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! -% - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK - -This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, -Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to -the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. - -The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs -while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there -because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and -Perrier. - -Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle -and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower -case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the -message: - "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can - you find the time to try it again?" -% -The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching -train. -% -The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. -% -The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get -much sleep. - -- Woody Allen -% -The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as -we could with both of them. - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% -The makers may make -And the users may use, -But the fixers must fix -With but minimal clues -% -The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the -crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no -one has ever been. - -- Alan Ashley-Pitt -% -The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that -will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - -- Mark Twain -% -The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a -soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which -when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. -% -... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... - -- Dave Barry -% -The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. -% - The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the -klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." - - "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" - - "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" -% -The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to -devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. - -- Lew Mammel, Jr. -% -The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might -be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the -law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was -guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples -Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking -Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality -of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive -power. - -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems - Thinking." -% -The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. - -- Laurence J. Peter -% -The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. - -- Nicol Williamson -% -The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. -% -The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. -% -The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the -lower the mailing cost. - -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" -% -The more laws and order are made prominent, -the more thieves and robbers there will be. - -- Lao Tsu -% -The more things change, the more they stay insane. -% -The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us -is right. -% -The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. - -- Andy Warhol -% -The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and -to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. - -- Theodore H. White -% -The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new -discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." - -- Isaac Asimov -% -The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. -% -... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! -% - "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" - "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to -feel interested. - "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little -vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged -Aged Man.'" - "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" -Alice corrected herself. - "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is -called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" - "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time -completely bewildered. - "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is -"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in -1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. - -- D. Letterman -% -The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: - Support your right to bare arms! -% -The net of law is spread so wide, -No sinner from its sweep may hide. -Its meshes are so fine and strong, -They take in every child of wrong. -O wondrous web of mystery! -Big fish alone escape from thee! - -- James Jeffrey Roche -% -The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I -hope I don't get run over again. -% -The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, -in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. - - But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for - whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. - -- Matthew 5:37 -% -The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The -Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. -The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive -and running the country ... - -- Robert J. Woodhead -% -The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to -choose from. - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the -80-column card. - -- Dennis M. Ritchie -% -The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should -serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society -these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their -function is to serve as checks upon the state. - -- Alan Barth -% -The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are -correct. - -- Ralph Hartley -% -The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly -analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their -occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve -these problems when called upon. - -However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to -remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. -% -The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: - Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, -Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate -Planning." -% -The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. -% -The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age -brings wisdom. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader -catch his own breath. - -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart -% -The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when -to cringe. -% -The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the -`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop -and take a rest. -% -The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and - Over and Over" -% -The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. -% -The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber -has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, -finished, and put inside boxes. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. -It is never any use to oneself. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. - -- Hegel - -I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the -long view. - -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" -% -The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up -until 5 or 6 p.m. -% -The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - -- Niels Bohr -% -The optimum committee has no members. - -- Norman Augustine -% -The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost -went back in time. - -- Steven Wright -% -The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because -it isn't here. - -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) -% -The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it -were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - -- H. L. Mencken -% - The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the -Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a -large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' -it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the -apparatus for a spectator sport. - - The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for -castrating pigs during Sunday service. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The Pig, if I am not mistaken, -Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. -Let others think his heart is big, -I think it stupid of the Pig. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter -swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the -batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The -center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute -his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. - -- Dizzy Dean -% -The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. - -- David Lardner -% -The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish -to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it -is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of -courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own -preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper -social function of expressing true distaste. - -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to - Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" -% -The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. -% -The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, - Were each of them once a kiddie. -A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. - Do I want one? God Forbiddie! - -- Ogden Nash -% -The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his -brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is -Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. - -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter -% -The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday -they might force their beliefs on us. - -- Mario Cuomo -% -The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired -warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by -changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped -marker. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to -constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every -appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA -statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This -also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. - -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers -% -The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough -voters to win the next election. -% -The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" -represents the secondary theme: - - Law Enforcement Officials - -The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: - - Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials - - -- M. Gallaher -% -... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from -other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in -charity we can only call "inhuman." - -- R. A. Lafferty -% -The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the -stupidity of your action. -% -The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. -Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil -using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle -Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, -etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous -bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None -of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats -developed cancer. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go -to erase it. - -- Glaser and Way -% -The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get -results. - -The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy -problems in order to get results. - -The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy -problems in order to get results. -% -The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be -pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. - -- Elizabeth Taylor -% -The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -% -The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's -outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by -mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once -tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims -the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -"The pyramid is opening!" -"Which one?" -"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" - -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places At - Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" -% -The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: - "My brain is paged out to my liver" -% -The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is -it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, -that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of -industrial waste? - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -The rain it raineth on the just - And also on the unjust fella, -But chiefly on the just, because - The unjust steals the just's umbrella. - --Lord Bowen -% -The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is -cursed. -% -The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. -% -The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", -which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape -Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil -Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. - -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" -% -The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one -persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all -progress depends on the unreasonable man. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -The revolution will not be televised. -% -The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. - -- Emerson -% -The rhino is a homely beast, -For human eyes he's not a feast. -Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, -I'll stare at something less prepoceros. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This -means that only left handed people are in their right mind. -% -The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests -and to his imagination for his facts. - -- Sheridan -% -The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. - -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas -% -The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the -House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights -you have and what rights you have not got. - -- J. Parnell Thomas -% -The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with -sloppy analysis! -% -The Roman Rule - The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the - one who is doing it. -% -The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in -his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on -one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't -take it too seriously. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or -give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. - -- Jane Bryant Quinn -% -"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" -% -The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 -showed that all had these things in common: - - (1) They all had moderate appetites. - (2) They all came from middle class homes - (3) All but two of them were dead. -% -The scum also rises. - -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -% -The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, -respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones -from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the -millstones are lifted. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% - The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood -as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. -The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in -the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in -twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. - - "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached -everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a -fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- -and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." - - "How?" demanded Fafhrd. - - Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." - -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" -% -The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. -% -The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - -- Noelie Alito -% -The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: - The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going -in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long -way.) - -- Dan Roddick -% -The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity -and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted -activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... -neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. -% -The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their -money. - -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" -% -The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! -% -The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be -able to correct them. - -- Nicolaides -% -The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. -% -The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's -readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of -some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet -reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led -the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well -known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at -Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program -of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of -psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three -Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That -these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a -further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want -something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from -the Russians. - -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 -% - "Yoda", by "Weird Al" Yankovic; - Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: - -I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah -Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda - S-O-D-A soda -I saw the little runt sitting there on a log -I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda - Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda - -Well I've been around but I ain't never seen -A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand -How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand - Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda -% -The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. -% -The steady state of disks is full. - -- Ken Thompson -% - THE STORY OF CREATION - or - THE MYTH OF URK - -In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, -and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM -was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be -registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; -and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data -Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening -and there was morning, one interrupt. - -- Rico Tudor -% -The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make -them unsafe. - -- Mayor Frank Rizzo -% -The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and -is an emerging underachiever. -% -The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant -biology. -% -The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't -even any property taxes. - -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b -% -The sum of the Universe is zero. -% -The sun was shining on the sea, -Shining with all his might: -He did his very best to make -The billows smooth and bright -- -And this was very odd, because it was -The middle of the night. - -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -% -The superfluous is very necessary. - -- Voltaire -% -The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. - -- Mark Twain -% -The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our -authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as -the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as -the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much -radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much -as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we -receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the -Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will -heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to -the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much -heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for -radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the -earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell -cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the -fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which -burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means -that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We -have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 -% -The Third Law of Photography: - If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined -when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark -leaks out. -% -The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: - -The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. -The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break - even. -The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. -% - The Three Major Kind of Tools - -* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or - jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a - manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, - bludgeons, and truncheons.) - -* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) - -* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far - greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. - (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses - any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -The trouble with a kitten is that -When it grows up, it's always a cat - -- Ogden Nash -% -The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. -% -The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate -it. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing -more important to do. -% -The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody -appreciates how difficult it was. -% -The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. - -- Ken Kesey -% -The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. - -- Lenny Bruce -% -The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. -And vice versa. -% -The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks -Which practically conceal its sex. -I think it clever of the turtle -In such a fix to be so fertile. - -- Ogden Nash -% -The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -% -The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more -annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are -"100 percent American"... - -- U. S. Army (1945) -% -The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to -everybody and still nobody likes him. - -- Jim Samuels -% -The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be -broken. -% -The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the -combination is locked up in the safe. - -- Peter DeVries -% -The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie -Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said -to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his -decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." -% -The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and -religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging -from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its -yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the -world put together. - -- Sir Peter Medawar -% -The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be -regarded as a criminal offense. - -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 -% -The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes -the worst cigars. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid -prejudice. - -- Mark Twain -% -The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. -Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts -to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to -be one of the facts that needs altering. - -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" -% -The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, -it's just a tired feeling: -% -The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. -% -The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity -that would be clearly understood. - -- Alexander Haig -% -The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start -with a large fortune. -% - THE WOMBAT - -The wombat lives across the seas, -Among the far Antipodes. -He may exist on nuts and berries, -Or then again, on missionaries; -His distant habitat precludes -Conclusive knowledge of his moods. -But I would not engage the wombat -In any form of mortal combat. -% -The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! -% -The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! -% -The world is coming to an end. Please log off. -% -The world's as ugly as sin, -And almost as delightful. - -- Frederick Locker-Lampson -% -The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of -four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all -the answers. -% -Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. - -He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, -then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open -market. - -If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should -not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. - -Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. -Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. -Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. - -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" -% -Then here's to the City of Boston, -The town of the cries and the groans. -Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, -And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. - -- Franklin Pierce Adams -% - THEORY -Into love and out again, - Thus I went and thus I go. -Spare your voice, and hold your pen: - Well and bitterly I know -All the songs were ever sung, - All the words were ever said; -Could it be, when I was young, - Someone dropped me on my head? - -- Dorothy Parker -% -There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. -% -There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, -and praiseworthy ... - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own -cats. -% -There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes -are chosen correctly. -% -There are no games on this system. -% -There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the -existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any -marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat -engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is -obviously impossible. - -- Richard Davisson -% -There are people so addicted to exaggeration -that they can't tell the truth without lying. - -- Josh Billings -% -There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a -vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. - -- Gloria Steinem -% - There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that -someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named -Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or -Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that -every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is -this? - Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for -centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you -can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's -forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster --- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't -even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover -why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both -plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; -and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, -don't we all? -% -There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells -and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated -pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving -them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you -stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your -intelligence. - -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII -% -There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. - -- Disraeli -% -There are three possibilities: -Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; -there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or -someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. -% -There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be -offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin -a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount -of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of -affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. -When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. -Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior -% -There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and -engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far -the more certain. - -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 -% -There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring -the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many -facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next -fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent -Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's -Factor; that's engineering. -% -There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I -can't remember. - -- Italo Svevo -% -There are three ways to get something done: - (1) Do it yourself. - (2) Hire someone to do it for you. - (3) Forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire -someone, or forbid your kids to do it. -% -There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is -one of them. -% -There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect -the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the -sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good -sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - -- Woody Allen -% -There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to -make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the -other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious -deficiencies. - -- C. A. R. Hoare -% -There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the -other is to read Pope. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one -works. -% -There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a -suitable application of high explosives. -% -There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. - -- R. W. Gerard -% -There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer -than 100. - -- Steele's Law -% -There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know -nothing about. -% -There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an -opinion. - -- Anatole France -% -There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of -paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. -% -There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -% -There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs -tied during the month of April. -% -There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. - -- Walt Disney -% -There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly -what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly -disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and -inexplicable. - -There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. - -- Arthur C. Clarke -% -There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - -- Mark Twain -% -There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the -tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not -abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and -war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, -of course. - -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. -% -There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. - -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society - Convention, 1977 -% -There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. - -- G. B. Shaw -% -There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. -% -There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. -% -There is no time like the pleasant. -% -There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be -doing. -% -There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. -There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. -% -"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," -said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just -a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable -question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been -there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in -the middle of the night?'" -% -There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the -ocean level wouldn't cure. - -- Ross MacDonald -% -There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and -that is not being talked about. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale -returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - -- Mark Twain -% -There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. - -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia -% -There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were -left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. -Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they -started debating who should be allowed to stay. - -The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all -over the world, the President explained that if he died then America -would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley -said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair -thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 -votes. -% -There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: -both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to -talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him -during the trial. - -- David Letterman -% -There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of -the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- -digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the -8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the -transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity -stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative -feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching -systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the -first electrical digital computer, and the first communications -satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the -telephone business? -% -There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not -a fence. -% -There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. -% -There's little in taking or giving, - There's little in water or wine: -This living, this living, this living, - Was never a project of mine. -Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is - The gain of the one at the top, -For art is a form of catharsis, - And love is a permanent flop, -And work is the province of cattle, - And rest's for a clam in a shell, -So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- - Would you kindly direct me to hell? - -- Dorothy Parker -% -There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our -whole lives, win, lose, or draw. - -- Walt Kelly -% -There's no future in time travel. -% -There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - -- Dr. Who -% -There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get -any worse. -% -There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. -% -There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government -working for you. - -- Will Rodgers -% -There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and -dead armadillos. - -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner -% -There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them -won't aggravate. -% -There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn -what it is I'll get married again. - -- Clint Eastwood -% -There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is -becoming an endangered synthetic. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" -"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" -"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP -out of MEGATON MAN!" -% -These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they -used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. -% -They also surf who only stand on waves. -% -They make a desert and call it peace. - -- Tacitus (55?-120?) -% -They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners -always spell better than they pronounce. - -- Mark Twain -% -They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary -safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 -% -They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! -% -They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results - About a month before. Their hair began to curl -The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it - But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. - -He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this - To pass where they had failed For it must ever be -And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest - The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. - -My notion was to start again - Ignoring all they'd done -We quickly turned it into code - To see if it would run. -% -They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! -% -They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. - -- Avon -% -Things are more like they used to be than they are now. -% -Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. -% -Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. -% -Think honk if you're a telepath. -% -Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! -% -Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer -crashes. -% -Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". -% -"Thirty days hath Septober, -April, June, and no wonder. -all the rest have peanut butter -except my father who wears red suspenders." -% -This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 -% -This fortune cookie program is out of order. For those in desperate need, -please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random -characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with -something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be -more profound than THIS program has ever been. -% -This fortune intentionally not included. -% -This fortune is false. -% -This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. -% -This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, -regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... -% -This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. - -- Bob Violence -% -This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an -actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? -% -This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, -because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under -which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has -"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the -consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any -rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for -oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill -Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers -over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These -innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been -passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with -amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do -apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, -and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. - -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" -% -This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. -% -This is for all ill-treated fellows - Unborn and unbegot, -For them to read when they're in trouble - And I am not. - -- A. E. Housman -% -This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back -to one. - -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 -% -This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. -% -THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM - -If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your -contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue -without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are -contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We -can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money -for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the -difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight -and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to -"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before -you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. -Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute -30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The -Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or -more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... -% -This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! -% -This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the -power of computers: - -Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct -the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a -minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The -results are that one should eat each day: - - 1/2 chicken - 1 egg - 1 glass of skim milk - 27 heads of lettuce. - -- Rev. Adrian Melott -% -This is the story of the bee -Whose sex is very hard to see - -You cannot tell the he from the she -But she can tell, and so can he - -The little bee is never still -She has no time to take the pill - -And that is why, in times like these -There are so many sons of bees. -% -This is your fortune. -% -This land is full of trousers! -this land is full of mausers! - And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! - -- The Firesign Theatre -% -This land is made of mountains, -This land is made of mud, -This land has lots of everything, -For me and Elmer Fudd. - -This land has lots of trousers, -This land has lots of mousers, -And pussycats to eat them -When the sun goes down. -% -This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, -you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where -to go. -% -This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 -% -This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with -great force. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of -the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many -solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were -largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, -which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of -paper that were unhappy. - -- Douglas Adams -% -This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does -something child-like. - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 -% -This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland -student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. - - One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use - Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one - computer language to another and has a built-in editing system - which identifies errors in the original program. -% -This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. - -- Douglas Hofstadter -% -... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives -as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as -determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people -buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s -couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three -weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, -they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent -restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of -excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going -off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have -a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. - -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% -This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. -% - Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire -rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better -than he does. - As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about -it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily -sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we -consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is -being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. - The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can -do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his -honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can -be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public -relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter -Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. -This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. - -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt - from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear - and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" -% -Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those -of us who do. -% -Those who can't write, write manuals. -% -Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. -% -Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. - -- French Proverb -% -Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. - -- Henry Spencer -% -Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, -for these only gave life, those the art of living well. - -- Aristotle -% -Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often -surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. - -- Mark B. Cohen -% -Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. -% -Those who make peaceful revolution impossible -will make violent revolution inevitable. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are -men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean -without the roar of its many waters. - -- Frederick Douglass -% -Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are -the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with -Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- -whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A -fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any -more about the matter than the others. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Time flies like an arrow -Fruit flies like a banana -% -Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. -% -Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. - -- Ford Prefect -% -Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at -once. -% -'Tis the dream of each programmer, -Before his life is done, -To write three lines of APL, -And make the damn things run. -% - (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") -Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug -Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, -Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall -And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. -And we've also found Just flip one switch -When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch -You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble - in a flash. -Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU -Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," -And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. -% - To A Quick Young Fox: -Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, -Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? -Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- -Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. - -- Lazy Dog -% -To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. -% -To be is to do. - -- I. Kant -To do is to be. - -- A. Sartre -Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - -- F. Flintstone -% -To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore -this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to -offer in response is based on information available to make no such -statement. -% -To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, -call it the target. -% -To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. -% -To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System -% -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% -To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. - -- B. Duggan -% -To generalize is to be an idiot. - -- William Blake -% -To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three -men, two of them absent. -% -To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - -- Thomas Edison -% -To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - -- Robert Heller -% -To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. -% -To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide -a test load. -% -To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional -system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, -inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: -precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, -uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, -well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures -of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very -secure ecological niche. - -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" -% -To understand this important story, you have to understand how the -telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local -computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is -in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the -lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. - -Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it -suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the -computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the -one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe -break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid -incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, -an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca -pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's -loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen -and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. - -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own - Phones?" -% -To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? -% -To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - -- Woody Allen -% -Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. -% -Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. -% -Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. -% -Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -% -Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? - -And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? - -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" -% -Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new -cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more -spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog. - -- Bob & Ray -% -Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word -except in major motion pictures. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -Toilet Toup'ee, n.: - Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus -creating endless annoyance to male users. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. -% -Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. -% -Too clever is dumb. - -- Ogden Nash -% -Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. - -- Mae West -% -Too much of everything is just enough. - -- Bob Wier -% -Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available -briefcases. - -- Governor Jerry Brown -% -Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: - 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! - 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! - 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! - 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. - Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality - assurance people in its wake. - 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. - 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. - 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! - 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features - are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. - 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the - original Klingon. - 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! - Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! -% -Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the -earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. -As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. -Please... - - CONSERVE GRAVITY - -Follow these simple suggestions: - -(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. -(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. -(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like - curling. -(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. -(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big - pile. -(6) Stop flipping pancakes -% -Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. -% -Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live -in eucalyptus trees. -% -Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - -- Henrik Tikkanen -% -Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. - -- Mark Twain -% -Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) -% -Truthful, adj.: - Dumb and illiterate. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. - -- Charles Schulz -% -Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. -% -Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, -is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written -in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and -pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), -defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the -absolutely perfect future. - -- Amrom Katz -% -Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. -% -Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only -specification is that it should run noiselessly. -% -Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. - -- Alan Watts -% -Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. -% -Turnaucka's Law: - The attention span of a computer is only as long as its -electrical cord. -% -Tussman's Law: - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -% -TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - -- Frank Lloyd Wright -% -'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks -Did gyre and gimble in their cave -All mimsy was the CS-VAX -And Cory raths outgrabe. - -"Beware the software rot, my son! -The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! -Beware the broken pipe, and shun -The frumious system crash!" -% - 'Twas the Night before Crisis - -'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, - Not a program was working not even a browse. -The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, - Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. -The users were nestled all snug in their beds, - While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. -When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, - I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. -And what to my wondering eyes should appear, - But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. -More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, - And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; -On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! - On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! -His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, - From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. -A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, - Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... -% -'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period - preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And - throughout our place of residence, -Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the - possessors of this potential, including that - species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. -Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward - edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, -Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an - imminent visitation from an eccentric - philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations - is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... -% -Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. - -- Walt Kelly -% -Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. - -- Howard Kandel -% -Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man -said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The -second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his -chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded -only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the -courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. -If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is -dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and -must pay three silver pieces." -% -Two percent of zero is almost nothing. -% -Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. -I forget the second. -% -Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. -% -U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! - Run right up and rub its horn. - Look at all those points you're losing! - UMBER HULKS are so confusing. - -- The Roguelet's ABC -% -"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." - -(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) - -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) -% -UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. -% -"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" - -"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, -right?" - -- MacNelley, "Shoe" -% -Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: - Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a -hammer or get a splinter in it. -% -Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a -just man is also a prison. -% -Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it -can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... -% -Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: - Superiority is recessive. -% -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson -% -United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the -Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of -all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of -all the patriots of every persuasion. - -Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the -world. - -- Isaac Asimov -% -Universe, n.: - The problem. -% -University, n.: - Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's -usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to -fix it, and ... -% -unix soit qui mal y pense -% -UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on -Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). - -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum -% -Unnamed Law: - If it happens, it must be possible. -% -Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out -twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - -- H. L. Mencken -% -Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir -% -User n.: - A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. -% -USER, n.: - The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." - -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" -% -Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. - -- S. C. Johnson -% -Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, -opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. - -- Doug Larson -% -Vail's Second Axiom: - The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the -amount of work already completed. -% -Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... -Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... - -- Tom Chapin -% -Van Roy's Law: - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -% -Vanilla, adj.: - Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, -very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla -extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply -"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot -and sour won ton soup. -% -Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: - (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only - once. - (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data - points. -% -Veni, Vidi, Visa. -% - "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past -year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley -reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their -artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue -moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon -Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the -entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the -sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." - - "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. - - "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made -good copy." - -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" -% -Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. -% -Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." -Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes - waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." -% -Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - -- Salvor Hardin -% -Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the -yard. -% -VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to - ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this - morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you - wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of - that old underwear you own. -% -VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is - sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and - sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus - drivers. -% -"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. -% -Virtue is its own punishment. -% -Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving -from where you left them to where you can't find them. -% -Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. -% -VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. -% -Vote anarchist. -% -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and -TAX-DEFERRED! -% -VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? -% - - *** System shutdown message from root *** - -System going down in 60 seconds - - -% -Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - -- Mark Twain -% -Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" -1st customer: "I'll have tea." -2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" - (Waiter exits, returns) -Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" -% -Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. -% -War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - -- Charles Edward Montague -% -War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. -% - WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: - -Firings will continue until morale improves. -% -WARNING: - Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your -mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on -your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. -% -Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for -those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking -up. - -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 -% -Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. -% -Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - -- John F. Kennedy -% -Waste not, get your budget cut next year. -% -Wasting time is an important part of living. -% -Watson's Law: - The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the -number and significance of any persons watching it. -% -We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which -divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being -correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. - -- Niels Bohr -% -We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. - -- Winston Churchill -% -We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. - -- Whole Earth Catalog -% -We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. - -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" -% -We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to -socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The -bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say -socialism? - -- Fidel Castro -% -We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -We are upping our standards ... so up yours. - -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 -% -We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. -% -We can predict everything, except the future. -% -We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is -deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. - -- James E. Day, Postmaster General -% -We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! - -- Vroomfondel -% -We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. -% -We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a -fish. -% -We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the -hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! -% -We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? - -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission -% -We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an -hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down -mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on -our grave singing Haleleuia ... - -- Monty Python -% -We have met the enemy, and he is us. - -- Walt Kelly -% -We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get -back to normal, and that they already have. -% -We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his -hands for masturbation. - -- Lily Tomlin -% -We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an -official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death -Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish -you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that -said "ELECTROCUTION". - -Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your -teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing -process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a -couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways -out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste -stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom -floor, which is how the police would find you. - -You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" -% -We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all -purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start -with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the -playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is -best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can -buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. - -- Alan M. Turing -% -We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always -respect their good judgement. -% -We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass -no matter how self-seeking. - -- F. G. Withington -% -We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago -people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. -For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had -to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare -fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with -primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how -ugly paneling is to begin with. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best -friends are trying to kill us. -% - We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. -But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle -Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... - I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of -her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I -had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone -told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was -lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he -fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing -what men must do. ... - "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible -sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew -not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a -quiet and peace I will never forget. - "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the -tollway belle's for thee." - The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was -a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I -poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. - -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway - Competition -% -We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one -technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. -% -We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, -we will cry over things we used to laugh & -our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile -creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & -in the end a summer with wild winds & -new friends will be. -% -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -We wish you a Hare Krishna -And a Sun Myung Moon! - -- Maxwell Smart -% -We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. -% -We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from -the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging -you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right -in his bowl full of jelly. - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -We're only in it for the volume. - -- Black Sabbath -% -We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center -of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, -but for some reason nobody's ever done it. - -- Andy Rooney -% -Weiler's Law: - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -% -Weinberg's First Law: - Progress is made on alternate Fridays. -% -Weinberg's Principle: - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while -sweeping on to the grand fallacy. -% -Weinberg's Second Law: - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, -then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -% -Weiner's Law of Libraries: - There are no answers, only cross references. -% -Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if -you run out of food. - -- Dean McLaughlin -% -Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a -lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a -governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the -reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top -contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men -will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the -most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and -appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday -morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit -interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a -guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through -the entire show without answering a single question ... - -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" -% -Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them -back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, -or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they -they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile -% -Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* -you believe?! - -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] -% -Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, - And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; -I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, - I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, - Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, -'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. - I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, - But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. -Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, - I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. - -- Core Dumped Blues -% -"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" - -"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... -coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." - -- Dr. Who -% -"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is -no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five -hundred." - -- The Mahabharata -% -Westheimer's Discovery: - A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a -couple of hours in the library. -% -Wethern's Law: - Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -% -"What are we going to do?" - -"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for -something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a -short initiation period." -% -"What are you doing?" - -"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something -that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short -initiation period." -% -What color is a chameleon on a mirror? -% - "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty -teenager asked her mother. - "Encouragement, dear," she replied. -% -What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? -% -What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? -% -What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. -% -What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. -% -What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so -that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our -country. Nice try anyway, George. - -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA -% -What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the -entrance? -% -What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow -in his footsteps? -% -What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower -stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed -barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character -from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of -while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our -dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up -powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the -bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any -one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact -lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where -you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", -if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with -that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; -they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to -flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. - -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" -% -What I tell you three times is true. -% -What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- -sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up -with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always -came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at -parties. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. -% -What I've done, of course, is total garbage. - -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a -% -What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I -definitely overpaid for my carpet. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's -worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -What is a magician but a practicing theorist? - -- Obi-Wan Kenobi -% -What is mind? No matter. -What is matter? Never mind. - -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 -% -What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern -computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest -and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. -% -"What is the Nature of God?" - - CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= - 1 QT. SOUR CREAM - 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT - 1/2 CUT CHIVES. - STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. - -"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." - -- Bloom County -% -What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, -which is the exact opposite. - -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 -% -What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. -% -What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing -to compare it with. -% -What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. -It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books -and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes -and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, -women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate -mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige -and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." - -- Susan Gordon -% -What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - -- Ursula K. LeGuin -% -What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. -% -What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. -% -What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. -% -What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! -% -What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. -% -What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. -% -What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. -% -What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. -% -What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? - -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" -% -What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which -nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday -Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- -launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just -remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual -process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still -be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. - -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" -% -What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. -% -What's another word for Thesaurus? - -- Steven Wright -% - "What's that thing?" - "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in -computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what -it does. We call it a two-by-four." - -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" -% -What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? - -- Dr. Who -% -Whatever became of eternal truth? -% -Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for -cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils -as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding -hundred dollar bills." - -- Herb Caen -% -Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not -nailed down. - -- Collis P. Huntingdon -% -Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! - -- Mom -% -When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the -money is. - -- Robespierre -% -When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the -thing," it's the money. - -- Kim Hubbard -% -When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half -loop? -% -When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is -not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space -travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" -% -When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the -sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain -relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -% -When all other means of communication fail, try words. -% -When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo -tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? - -- Reuben Flagg -% -When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before -the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." - -- Vine Deloria, Jr. -% -When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I -think it was a Tuesday. -% -When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to -guarantee them. -% -When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great -parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if -I'm leaving. - -- Steven Wright -% -When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a -year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire -winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young -ladies, and, of course, the goat. -% -When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now -I'm beginning to believe it. - -- Clarence Darrow -% -When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you -take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come -and get you." - -- Jerry Lewis -% -When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any -firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' - -- Steven Wright -% -When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into -the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - -- Woody Allen -% -When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an -act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A -group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a -six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things -together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... -Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective -responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military -establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have -been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things -together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. - -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" -% -When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened -or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I -cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to -go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - -- Mark Twain -% -When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. -% -When in doubt, tell the truth. - -- Mark Twain -% -When in doubt, use brute force. - -- Ken Thompson -% -When in panic, fear and doubt, -Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. -% -When love is gone, there's always justice. -And when justice is gone, there's always force. -And when force is gone, there's always Mom. -Hi, Mom! - -- Laurie Anderson -% -When Marriage is Outlawed, -Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. -% -When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment -results. - -- Calvin Coolidge -% -When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony -concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- -and I find I mind it less and less." - -- Louise Andrews Kent -% -When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: -for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when -your boss is away and you get twice as much done. - -- Daniel B. Luten -% -When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only -say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. -% -When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. - -- Jon Carroll -% -When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you -modify the problem, not the remedy. -% -When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, -the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a -nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. - -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" -% -When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is -metaphysics. - -- Voltaire -% -When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the -stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them -from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones -were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the -corners as bodies of a lower grade ... - -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" -% -When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the -plane will fly. - -- Donald Douglas -% -When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most -insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are -required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and -exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is -not hereditary. - -- Thomas Paine -% -When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- -except our fingertips will have been singed. - -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 -% -When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of -investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, -so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or -swayed, directly to the goal. - -- Amrom Katz -% -When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -% -When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. -% -When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - -- Harry S. Truman -% - When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure -clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer -to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. - In a way, the next move is up to him. - -- R. A. Lafferty -% -When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. - -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war -% -When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by -asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't -know the answer either. - -- Edgar R. Fiedler -% -When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. - -- The Wall Street Journal -% -When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the -impression you will make. -% -When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, -Wretched, bored, dejected; only -Here's the rub, my darling dear -I feel the same when you are near. - -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" -% -When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. -% -Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". - -- Dave Parnas -% -Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to -see it tried on him personally. - -- A. Lincoln -% -Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last -you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his -Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. - -- Mark Twain - "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" -% -Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time -to reform. - -- Mark Twain -% -WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - - Oh, dear, where can the matter be - When it's converted to energy? - There is a slight loss of parity. - Johnny's so long at the fair. -% -Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what -is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. -% -Whether you can hear it or not -The Universe is laughing behind your back - -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" -% -Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? -% -While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is -admission to someone else. -% -While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, -The fate of empires and the fall of kings; -While quacks of State must each produce his plan, -And even children lisp the Rights of Man; -Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, -The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", - November 26, 1792 -% -While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. -% -While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't -keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. - -- Edward Stevenson -% -While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own -form of misery. -% -While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. -% -While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their -correctness never does. -% -While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very -reassuring to know that it's still there. -% -While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are -safe, for you can watch both of his. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Whistler's Law: - You never know who is right, but you always know who is in -charge. -% -Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new -Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ... -% -Who made the world I cannot tell; -'Tis made, and here am I in hell. -My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, -I never soiled with such a deed. - -- A. E. Housman -% -Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? -% -Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? -% -Who's on first? -% -"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. - -- George Ade -% -Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. -% -Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. -% -Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could -have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. - -- Ian Shoales -% -Why be a man when you can be a success? - -- Bertolt Brecht -% -Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we -have? -% -Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? -% -Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to -avoid responsibility with? -% -Why did the Roman Empire collapse? -What is the Latin for office automation? -% -Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. -% -Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently -there must be a beverage. - -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" -% -Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have -more lawyers? - -New Jersey had first choice. -% -Why don't elephants eat penguins ? - -Because they can't get the wrappers off ... -% -Why I Can't Go Out With You: - -I'd LOVE to, but ... - -- I have to floss my cat. - -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. - -- I need to spend more time with my blender. - -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. - -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. - -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. - -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. - -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. - -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. - -- I have some really hard words to look up. - -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. - -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. -% -Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is -because we are not the person involved - -- Mark Twain -% -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -% -Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - -- Lily Tomlin -% -Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love -you knowing nothing? - -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions -% -Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? -Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your -children open their old-fashioned presents. - -Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" - -You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it - falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" - -Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer - with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, - and I get this cretin TOP?" - -Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." - -You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" - -Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -Why was I born with such contemporaries? - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: - No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, -when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your -direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. - -- John L. Shelton -% -Wiker's Law: - Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. -% - William Safire's Rules for Writers: - -Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never -be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to -agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words -out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal -of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must -not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a -conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a -sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as -close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more -words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles -must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a -linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing -metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should -be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their -writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows -the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek -viable alternatives. -% -Williams and Holland's Law: - If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by -statistical methods. -% -Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as -it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. -% -Wit, n.: - The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery -... by leaving it out. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I -try to be a fraud and a half. - -- Otto von Bismarck -% -With a rubber duck, one's never alone. - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once -build a nuclear balm? -% -With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand -miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and -still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no -such thing as progress. - -- Ransom K. Ferm -% -With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment, -this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the -chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable". -Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud. -The sales department had awoken. -% -Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. -% -Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: - (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. - (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. - (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) - (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a - VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. - (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. - -- Rich Kulawiec -% -Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If -you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut -down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that -tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with -long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit -there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you -come back. - -Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, -when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. -Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the -cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood -heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately -beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, -and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, -although their insurance rates went way up. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): - We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage -any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you -should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, -and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we -bargained for. -% -Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. -% -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced -dress code! -% -Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: - August. The lines are the shortest, though. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Month of the Year: - February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if -you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't -get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: - From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved -in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs -damage my videotapes?" -% -Worst Vegetable of the Year: - The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next -year. - -- Steve Rubenstein -% -"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" - -"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. - -- Lewis Carroll -% -Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish -and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer -if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and -and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and -and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? -% -Write-Protect Tab, n.: - A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly -left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error -message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the -momentary inconvenience. - -- Robb Russon -% -Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - -- Frank Zappa -% -"Wrong," said Renner. - -"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with -the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" -% -X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the -imagination is the plot. -% -Xerox does it again and again and again and ... -% -Xerox never comes up with anything original. -% -XIIdigitation, n.: - The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made -by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have -goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in -their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating -unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my -doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" -% -Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall -fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic -operators together. - -- Steve Higgins -% -Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. -% -Year, n.: - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. -% -Yes, but which self do you want to be? -% -Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. -Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. -Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - -- Snoopy -% -Yesterday upon the stair -I met a man who wasn't there. -He wasn't there again today -- -I think he's from the CIA. -% -Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. - -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" -% -Yinkel, n.: - A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one -will notice. - -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" -% -You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. -% -You are here: - *** - *** - ********* - ******* - ***** - *** - * - - But you're not all there. -% -You are not illiterate. - -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie -% -"You are old, Father William," the young man said, - "All your papers these days look the same; -Those William's would be better unread -- - Do these facts never fill you with shame?" - -"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, - "I wrote wonderful papers galore; -But the great reputation I found that I'd won, - Made it pointless to think any more." -% -"You are old, father William," the young man said, - "And your hair has become very white; -And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" - -"In my youth," father William replied to his son, - "I feared it might injure the brain; -But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, - Why, I do it again and again." - -- Lewis Carroll -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers - That your lectures bore people to death. -Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- - Don't you think that you should save your breath?" - -"I have answered three questions and that is enough," - Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak - For anything tougher than suet; -Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" - -"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, - And argued each case with my wife; -And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, - Has lasted the rest of my life." - -- Lewis Carroll -% -"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, - And there isn't one language you like; -Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- - Have you thought about taking a hike?" - -"Since I never write programs," his father replied, - "Every language looks equally bad; -Yet the people keep paying to read all my books - And don't realize that they've been had." -% -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And have grown most uncommonly fat; -Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- - Pray what is the reason of that?" - -"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, - "I kept all my limbs very supple -By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- - Allow me to sell you a couple?" - -- Lewis Carroll -% -"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, - And make errors few people could bear; -You complain about everyone's English but yours -- - Do you really think this is quite fair?" - -"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, - "But my stature these days is so great -That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, - And to stop me it's now far too late." -% -"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose - That your eye was as steady as ever; -Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- - What made you so awfully clever?" - -"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," - Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! -Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" - -- Lewis Carroll -% -You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -% -You are the only person to ever get this message. -% -You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading -this sort of trash. -% -You buttered your bread, now lie in it! -% -You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting -incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. -Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable -to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because -nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes -they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; -some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. - -The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then -pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear -safety glasses. - -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" -% -You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it -doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. - -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 -% -You can create your own opportunities this week. -Blackmail a senior executive. -% -You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. -Why do you find that funny? - -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington -% -You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you -can with just a kind word. - -- Bumper Sticker -% -You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, -for instance. - -- Franklin P. Jones -% -You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. -% -You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on -the continuing viability of FORTRAN. - -- Alan Perlis -% -You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. -% -You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding -decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left -over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. - -- F. Allen -% -You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of -supercomputers. - -- Steven Feiner -% -You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. -% -You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. - -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 -% -You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. -% -You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - -- Steven Wright -% -You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. - -- Booker T. Washington -% -You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. -% -You can't make a program without broken egos. -% -You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic -enough worrying about what's happening now. - -- Lauren Bacall -% -You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. - -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and - Over and Over" -% -You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. - -- Dagwood Bumstead -% -You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. -% -You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. -% -You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. -% -You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first -and last month in advance. -% -You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable -doubt. - -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict -% -You do not have mail. -% -You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. - -- J. D. Salinger -% -You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting -needles. - -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food -% -You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. -The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", -which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears -tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last -names. Here's the complete text: - - "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) - "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) - "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to - send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF - THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) - household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way - you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST - NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" - -The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your -money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long -form. - -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" -% -You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. -% -You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- - -This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- - -You are permanently confused. - -- Dave Decot -% -You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to -metal objects which are not fastened down. -% -You have junk mail. -% -You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets -wrinkled. -% -You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. -% -You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes -you wore home from the party and there aren't any. -% -You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens -anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, -you can always change the channel. - -- Jim Ignatowski -% -You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. - -- S. Rickly Christian -% -You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. - -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 -% -You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your -friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. -% -You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. -% - "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon -airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in -deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me -when I was young!" - "Why, what did she tell you?" - "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% -You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. -% -You may be recognized soon. Hide. -% -You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he -is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. - -- Sydney Harris -% -You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with -him. - -- Ed Howe -% -You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - -- Alfred Kahn -% -You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for -success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits -or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume -party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. - -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" -% -You might have mail. -% -You might have had mail. -% -You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable -proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. -% -You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll -be dead. -% -You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a -reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating -the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for -independence. - -- Charles A. Beard -% -You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the -beach. -% -You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were -you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare -yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the -company. - -- J. Wellington Wells -% -You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. -% -You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could -know how seldom they do. - -- Olin Miller -% -You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially -if they are dead. -% -You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than -about 10^12 to 1. - -- Ernest Rutherford -% -You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for -freedom and liberty. - -- Henrik Ibsen -% -You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, -contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from -houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many -scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the -summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, -you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist -sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. - -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" -% -You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, -another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and -another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms -such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In -many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. -If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you -should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate -for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it -because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially -chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. - -In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his -hemorrhoids. - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a -plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. - -- Business Professor, University of Georgia -% -You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. -% - YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF - PAPER SHUFFLING! - -Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be -a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel -really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." - -Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward -to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and -make really big Zorkmids." - -MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when -you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. - - SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! -% -You too can wear a nose mitten. -% -You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. -% -You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of -a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. -% -You will be surprised by a loud noise. -% -You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. -% -You will feel hungry again in another hour. -% -You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door -mayonnaise salesman. -% - You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the -Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the -parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. - -- Sherlock Holmes -% -You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. -% -You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to -worry. -% -You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a -taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a -minute and a huff. - -- Groucho Marx -% -You'll never be the man your mother was! -% -You're at the end of the road again. -% -You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. -% -You're never too old to become younger. - -- Mae West -% -You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -- Dean Martin -% -You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! -% -You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. -% -You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. - -- Gary Giddens -% -"You've got to think about tomorrow!" - -"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" -% -Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a -thing he tells you. -% -Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you -from enjoying it. -% -Your fault: core dumped -% - Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that -bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a -chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home -electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit -breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires -until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can -damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change -your fuses regularly. - Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This -sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more -often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case -you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not -sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a -fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed -electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, -such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette -table, etc. - -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" -% -Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. -% -Your lucky color has faded. -% -Your lucky number has been disconnected. -% -Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. -% -Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. -% -Yow! Am I having fun yet? - -- Zippy the Pinhead -% -YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! -% -Zero Defects, n.: - The result of shutting down a production line. -% -Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words -since I first called my brother's father dad. - -- William Shakespeare, "King John" -% -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: - People are always available for work in the past tense. -% - THE LAST BUG - -"But you're out of your mind," It still wasn't perfect, -They said with a shrug. As year followed year, -"The customer's happy; And strangers would comment, -What's one little bug?" "Is that guy still here?" - -But he was determined. He died at the console, -The others went home. Of hunger and thirst. -He spread out the program, Next day he was buried, -Deserted, alone. Face down, nine-edge first. - -The cleaning men came, And the last bug in sight, -The whole room was cluttered An ant passing by, -With memory-dumps, punch cards. Saluted his tombstone, -"I'm close," he muttered. And whispered, "Nice try." - -The mumbling got louder, -Simple deduction, -"I've got it, it's right, -Just change one instruction." -% -Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space: - -Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser my -mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the standards of -its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive construction of -maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with -the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today --- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter -century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say. But -let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose. Here -sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi, -jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a -bull elephant. And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this -monument to a dead tree? -- it holds my socks. - -Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an -environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post -for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped -down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet. - -- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: - Colonizing the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps -% -Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a -pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible -to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two -elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software. - -Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable, -and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately -monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually -simple, is often very difficult in actual practice. - -The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and -loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli -code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat -or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced -without significantly affecting other components. - -We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active -encouragement of ravioli code. - -- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk - magazine -% -63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, -ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, -now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! -% -"It's not very common in Crowthorne" -% - 1) Don't expect fairings. - 2) If confused read #1. -% -Cheer up. You could have all the problems you have now, and then also -be named Eustace Clarence Scrubb. -% -Never leave a macassar and an antimacassar in the same room together. -% -Why did the furry install Unix? Because it supports catman(8). -% -Many people don't realize that trailhead doggerel is illegal -- but -surely you've heard of "hike rhymes and misdemeanors"... -% -We all know political bumper stickers and some of us even put them on -our cars. However, if you show up at headquarters on Friday afternoon -after a long campaign week, you're more likely to see a stumper -bicker. -% -When you're under siege by a winter storm, that's a "frontal assault". -% -Somebody has mail. -% -'Agnosis' is when you don't know. 'Diagnosis' is when you don't know -twice. -% -An assortment of ways to be assimilated is a "smorgasborg". -% -The Navy's forever doomed to be inefficient because it's always trying -to do things in a sub-optimal manner. -% -Q. What do you do if you find an abomination rooted in and need a -druid in a hurry? -A. Call the copse. -% -A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone. - -- Jo Godwin -% -Give a man a 0day and he'll have access for a day, teach a man to phish -and he'll have access for life. - -- the grugq -% -Information wants to be free and also extremely difficult to use. - -- An ancient open source proverb -% -I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - -- Mitch Hedberg -% -You, the Poles, have a funny nature. When the people going along the -road are attacked by a dog with its insistent and noisy barking, you -immediately feel like jumping off the vehicle, standing on all fours -and starting to bark back at it. We, in the Vilnius region, let the -dog bark because that is what its canine nature is like but we do not -stop our journey because of its barking, and without any war -against dogs we calmly continue our journey until we reach our -destination. It seems that you care more about barking than the dog -does, and more about winning the war with any lousy puppy than about -reaching the destination quickly. - -- Jozef Pilsudski -% -[NeXT] attracted the strangest kind of hybrid, which was sort of like... -Unix weenies by Armani. - -- John Perry Barlow -% -Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you -and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future -events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the -unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. - -- Criswell Predicts, "Plan 9 From Outer Space" -% -Rule 1 of cryptanalysis: check for plaintext. - -- Bob Morris, Crypto '95 -% -Remember kids, the only difference between Science and screwing around is -writing it down. - -- Adam Savage -% - THE PURPLE COW Confession: and a Portrait, Too, -Reflections on a Mythic Beast, Upon a Background that I Rue! - Who's Quite Remarkable, at Least. - Ah, yes! I wrote the "Purple Cow"-- -I never saw a Purple Cow; I'm sorry, now, I wrote it! - I never hope to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow, -But I can tell you, anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it! - I'd rather see than be one. -- Gelett Burgess -% -Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we -can perform without thinking about them. - -- Alfred North Whitehead, An Introduction to Mathematics (1911) -% -I'm going to a commune in Vermont and will deal with no unit of time shorter -than a season. - -- Josh Rosen -% -Computers for the brasses -- art for the masses. - -- J.C.R. Licklider -% -If, in your office, you as an intellectual worker were supplied with a -computer display backed up by a computer that was alive for you all day, and -that was instantly responsive to every action you had, how much value could -you derive from that? - -- Douglas Engelbart, Fall Joint Computer Conference, - December 9th, 1968 -% -They made me do it -% -It was the first thing that I formed a really powerful bond with. -It was some sort of mental love missile and I just lit the touch paper and -fired myself into it, at oblivious speed, and it exploded, and sparkled and it -was totally beautiful. - -- Chris Packham and the kestrel -% -Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by -there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton. - -- Alexei Sayle -% -I wonder why. I wonder why. -I wonder why I wonder. -I wonder why I wonder why -I wonder why I wonder! - -- Richard P. Feynman, "Always Trying to Escape" -% -Fanfare, n.: - The food available for consumption at a con. -% -Fail we may, sail we must -% -Don't shout at your JBODs, they don't like it! - -- Brendan Gregg, "Shouting in the Datacenter" -% -Bell has two patents on UNIX -a) set-user-id bit -b) on "typo" ! - -- John Lions, Australian UNIX Users Group Newsletter, Oct 1978 -% -The purpose of computing numbers is not yet in sight -% -Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. -Thereisnospacebar. |